For some reason I have been really annoyed at the ‘just below the surface’ conversations that I have noticed as of late, conversations in many different settings that go something like this:

Person 1 – “We just got back from Niagara Falls”

Person 2 – “I went there a couple of years ago, It was beautiful.”

A case of connection extermination.

Ok, perhaps that’s over kill, but truthfully it seems to me we are losing the essence of real connection. A connection that seeks first to really know the other person’s experience, before inserting ours.

Here’s what I mean, in this over simplified example Niagara Falls, as obviously awesome as it is, will NEVER be the same experience person to person. Yet ‘Person 2′ is quick to simply qualify that they too had had the same experience of going to Niagara Falls.

There is nothing wrong with that, BUT certainly there is more to that than a comparison of having had a common geographical destination. SO much more to have learned, seen, felt… experienced from the other persons encounter, but so often we neglect to ask. We are so quick to jump in with “oh, I did that too” or “someone at work just did that too” rather than asking about the person’s experience we are talking to. Obviously, they wouldn’t have brought it up if they didn’t have a very specific story they wanted to share, yet so often we extinguish the passion by being quick to compare our example of their ‘tip of the ice burg’ .

I see myself do this all the time with friends and certainly my kids, and I am getting sick of it. I want to be the kind of person that forgets my own experience for a moment, dismisses my tendency to be quick to tell of my experience and instead listens. Asks more. Listens more.

First, because I care about the perspectives others have, and if I don’t inquire and listen I might really miss the way they see the world,  and in doing so, limit the level of true connection with them.

Secondly as Larry King says, “I remind myself every morning:  nothing I say this day will teach me anything.  So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.”.

We cannot be a good friend, leader or parent without slowing down long enough to effectively listen to what is being said either in word or action BEFORE we speak, lead or act … anything else is a vain assumption.

Bottom line, if you want to lead (or even really connect), you must listen. If you want to listen, you must ask.

Does that make sense?

dis – denotes separation, a parting from,

traction – grip,

in other words losing grip.

We give away too much of one of our most valuable commodities, time… Time better spent pursuing things that will last, that will mean something, that will ‘bear fruit’. I am really growing tired of how much time I waste. Often it’s the old comfortable habits or the small things that start to consume my prime time… I really want to be better and more intentional about the moments I give away.

But, I am not talking about getting busy.

I am talking about really focusing on people, relationships, opportunities and challenges that have the most potential benefit and are not just a drain on time. Benefit not just to ‘me’, but to others.

We must start thinking about our time as currency and invest in things that build… not just satisfy the immediate.

The things we give ourselves to should provide an outcome that is positive… It could be stability, intimacy,  healing, harmony, progress, rest… we should always have something to show for the time we put in… it won’t always be as we want it to be, but it should always be meaningful and enriching.

Moments and how we use them…we don’t get back.

To me, media is one of the biggest struggles. What about you… What is stealing your good time?

Once in a while, actually more often than not, scriptures that I have read many times take on a whole new perspective… This is one of those times. Here’s the scripture:

Romans 5

3-5 Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

I find it interesting in this passage that hope is the result, not the beginning of enduring hardship.

So often we think that hope must come before hardships, but what I take away from this reading is that hope, in fact, is a derivative of character, which is a derivative of perseverance, and perseverance from suffering…

Hope really is witness of God’s presence in times of struggle. Hope is a ‘knowing’.

I have been through some hard times, as we all have . Things often seem overwhelming, unsettling… insurmountable.

I’ve heard it said ‘hope’ in Scripture means “a strong and confident expectation.” In that sense, Hope is akin to trust.

Romans 8:24-25

For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.

Hope that comes as a result of tiresome challenges, hope that goes beyond our character.. hope that is only found in one place… because people fail us, truth is, everything will fail us except for our Father.

I will attempt today to live beyond my feelings, I will do my best to embrace the hope we have - the knowing we have,

and Start with Trust

that beyond what we see or feel there is power that is for us not against us.

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But it only seems that way…

For the last 5 years I have been stewing, storing and shaping the stories of being a single parent. I have been talking, AT LENGTH, about the book I am working on -

Solo

 Fear, fatigue and the restoration of the single parent.

Well, the time is here for me to ‘get cracking’ on getting it in some from that looks different than my scattered notes and musings.

So, here I go diving into the deep end.

I may be blogging a bit here and there, but for the most part my focus (outside of iShine) will be putting some wheels on the journal of my Solo parenting experience, in the hope that it will, God willing, ‘lighten  the load’ of others that find themselves on the same path.

If you think of it. Pray for me.

So much shame is put on the mistakes we make instead of the opportunities we miss to love others.

In other words… so much time is spent on us… not others.

I don’t know the origin of why we focus on the past rather than ‘right now’, but in my not so humble opinion Christians could be so much more effective in this world if we would look for things we should do instead of what we shouldn’t do… seems simple enough.

Besides the obvious of reaching out to the world we need to start right here. Right now

We should take more time with our families… really engaging, not just ‘doing time’.

We should find those hurting and in need and help lighten the burden.

We should listen when others talk, show respect and restraint. Stop listening to the words – seek  intent.

We should reach out to those in our vicinity… work, school, neighborhoods with a simple word of encouragement.

We should forgive those who have wronged us.

We should tell those we care for that we love them and how valuable they are to us.

We should show compassion on those that are struggling, not judge.

We should treat everyone better than we would treat ourselves.

We should find ways to help those around us… not wait for obvious need. Help in the small things.

We should find ways to unite, bring people together,  rather than divide.

We should give… not just money… but, as important, our time.

We should be patient.

Above all, remember Jesus’ commandment that summarizes all others: “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” John 15:12

Note: “Love one another” means “love all people,” not just “love other Christians.”

Until we get a good handle on that commandment I say we lighten up on being so critical of those around us and ourselves.

So today, if you are carrying a burden… beating yourself up over a mistake… or living in fear of making the wrong move, stop for a second and spend at least equal time finding ways to be proactive with the Love we have, not just defensive or defeated.

I truly believe that as a result, amazing fruit from life giving seeds will grow .

It occurred to me that what might be happening here was something that I have made the mistake of doing in the past. Fixing past shortcomings with current situations…

Kinda paying penance or trying to prove to myself that I am NOT what I was accused of…

the problem with this is that it isn’t genuine… it’s a game…  it’s denial… a lie.

As a divorced man, and although I am resolved to the fact that my ex’s poor life choices led to the ultimate demise of our marriage… I certainly contributed to it… So areas like ‘being controlling’, that I was accused of, I have now found myself over compensating to prove the invalidity of the accusation.

Problem is… I was controlling… but now has little to do with yesterday. I cant fix or ‘re-do’ my past… I can only build the new.

I am thankful for God’s grace that covers our failures. It’s just that accepting grace means letting go of the infraction. We have to stop trying to prove to ourselves that we don’t have shortcomings…

We have to accept shortcomings as a pathway to redemption and from that position re-establish a true foundation. One founded on grace, mercy and second / multiple chances..

We can’t use the current relationships to process through old stuff… It’s not fair to others, it squelches the joy out of what we have and it puts the relationship needlessly at risk…

What we CAN do is remember on our shortcomings and pray God’s strength to straighten our ways and live gratefully, fully embracing the gift the present.

Anyone else try to fix the past with the present? How do you YOU not relive the past and at the same time grow…

If you found this helpful – check out these What to do with second chances – a confession and The most important step

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I know you can relate…

I think the key is focusing on a few things at a time, and being deliberate about those things first.

I explain in this short video - Life as a supermodel

If you found this helpful – check out these What to do with disrespect and Being selfish as a way of serving.

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I did. (I’ve got some work to do…)

Patience. Patience. Patience.

Here’s what my daughter said in this 30 sec video - I wish single parents wouldn’t…. 

What do you think, HONESTLY, your kid’s would say if asked the same question – What could I as a parent do better?

If you found this helpful – check out these 

Patience

Single Parent OVERWHELMED

I Blew it!

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As our kids get older, especially as teen agers, it seems sometimes all we are doing is correcting – at least thats the way it feels for me.

Well, you have heard of the “Love dare” from the movie Fireproof right – (one kind act a day day for 40 days) well, I have a similar ’dare’ for us parents

Look, find and express AT LEAST one word/thought a day of encouragement. 

Sounds easy enough… well, the challenge is how you approach it – I explain in this video - Just one word a day to mould a young life

If you found this helpful – check out these What to do with disrespect and Being selfish as a way of serving.

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]]> http://soloparent.tv/2012/02/29/just-one-word-a-day-to-mold-a-young-life/feed/ 2 http://soloparent.tv/2012/02/21/singleparent-how-to-get-out-of-doing-your-least-favorite-things-with-a-side-of-teaching/ http://soloparent.tv/2012/02/21/singleparent-how-to-get-out-of-doing-your-least-favorite-things-with-a-side-of-teaching/#comments Tue, 21 Feb 2012 16:22:05 +0000 http://soloparent.tv/?p=675 I don’t remember who told me about this, BUT one of the most useful bits of advice I got upon becoming a single parent was this.

 Find things that you don’t enjoy doing, hate doing, or are just a nuisance, and make them the consequences for our kids disobedience.

 What do I mean by this?… It means that if there are certain chores around the house that you don’t enjoy doing,  (for me it’s folding the laundry and putting the laundry away), make and keep a list of those things and delegate those as consequences to give out to our kids.

Often I find myself trying to think of consequences to give my kids when they disobey: some choose spanking, some give timeout … but for me, I figure why not turn it into a useful, constructive part of everyday life that contributes to ease my workload.

So instead of spanking, or timeout– I assign my least favorite  chores whenever, and to whoever, deserves a consequence. For me it’s folding and putting away the laundry. For you maybe it’s cleaning the baseboards around the house or toilets…. Whatever it might be…  If you are a single parent like me, or for that matter any parent… I know there are things around your house the you hate to have to do.

So, my suggestion for today, is find those things that are your least favorite chores around the house, make a list of them, and refer back to them when it’s time to dole out consequences. It  serves 2 purposes

1. It gets your least favorite things done around the house

2. It provides a consequence for  disobedience

What are some things that would be on your list of least favorite chores?

If you found this helpful – check out these You as the center of the universe and How to manage your weekends.

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