Some broken heart

I cant acceot it, not yet

2009-09-18T05:20:00.000-07:00

Half a decade is time enough, that is what they have been saying. I just turned 29 and my sweet sister called and said hey happy birthday you are getting old, is old the memories we have had, or is old the small time we have ahead, or is old how long have missed you,
Its fresh, deep and I still hold my breath, when I have sweet memories of you, just enough to give me time to breath again well

Always

Me

Make the most of today

2009-04-22T00:45:00.000-07:00

Am leaving for upcountry over the weekend, always make me feel in touch with the world, that there must be a God out there looking over me, and making sure that i tread on to my destiny if i accept my purpose in this world.

Make the most of it, they only white greyed haired people go, but no one knoweth the hour, you could loose that loved one anytime anywhere, its a blessings to get to old age, lets celebrate the grandparents in our lives, a visit this weekend cant be that bad......

And for those that we count as our loved ones, the crusade has to go on, lets love like we dont have tomorrow, like all we have is now...love is a beautiful thing, cant be borrowed, it just grows within you, fills you up with joy and grace, makes the sun shine brighter than it did yesterday, makes the sunset walk worth every step, love when you can, love like the last thing will do on this eart is just to love....coz when its gone one day you dont want to look back and say, you would have wanted in any other way

Missing you, I am

2009-02-16T21:55:00.000-08:00

In my heart is where I have kept you, missing you is an understatement, I thank God that He gave me the gift of knowing you the way I did, loved you the way I did, laughed with you the way I did, and now am getting over you the only way I know how.............

Happy 2009!

2009-01-08T22:41:00.000-08:00

I pray it stays that way.................... I spent Christmas in the Forest, I needed time out, so I told my family that I have an invite for Christmas and for the first time in years only made it home for new year. It was a great time, New year, Dad, Mum and the rest of the whole Aunts, Uncles, siblings, cousins, nieces, nephews, name it.......

The trip to the forest made me appreciate home, love, care,............and a renewed strength to go out there and do it all over again. The pains and lost loved ones left behind only in the physique in the past year, did not stop the sweet memories of times spent, laughter shared and moments cherished.
I know someone who lost a mother, a brother, a dad, a sister, an aunt, an uncle, a niece, nephews....and a little love sent in the package of a card, a phone call, an email, to strengthen them in the new year, to let them know that it will be alright, is most welcome from you and me.

Wedding bells! Not ringing yet, Love.! I am keeping my options open, you just never know.........Love is a wonderful thing. cherish it, care for it, hold it, protect it...............and all the other things that you yearn for will fall into place.
I thank God, its not by my Might, but By his Grace, you and I are still here, given another chance to have a go for it, Happy 2009!

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," says the LORD. "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

I am

2008-08-19T11:44:00.000-07:00

Because God loves me so much,
I feel good today, because I read somebody's story, and they were not whining as I do, they are in pain and not dying by it, and still thanking Jesus for one more blessings. But what makes me feel so good is the story of the widow, the widow who got love, and lived the love for 30more years. Am smiling about that, because there is hope, and hope is a good thing to have, I feel my heart rising like the morning sun, and glowing, and my eyes feels like they have some shine on them, and my blood believes that story. But whats more is the wanting to wake up tomorrow, the want to see the next hour without feeling sad and guilty, and denying people the chance to know me, by building people-proof walls around me!
I was born to be strong, a first born to lead, to be looked up to, and I dont know how else to do it, but be strong even when am in need. I want to let my hair down for a day, cry because I should, but every time i let my guard down am scared, scared that if they know they wont want me, and the only person who knew is gone,.................second chances are hard to come by............am looking forward to tomorrow, praying that this feeling hangs in here....

Happy birthdays!

2008-08-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

Am not good at remembering birthdays, but I know tomorrow is my sisters' birthday, that is 19th August, but I also know on 22nd August was also his birthday. Am supposed to focus on the good that is what they tell me, get out of this depression, like now I should be focusing on my sisters' birthday, but tonight am so sad, when does it reach a point when family takes the back seat, and the ones we have met,and loved take over?
I don't know when it happens, but I know tonight my heart is achy and breaky, instead of reaching out to the phone and calling her am scared am going to break down and cry, and I don't want them to think, am breaking apart again, that am loosing it again, I want them to know am fine.
Its honest, sometimes I am, but other times am not, other times am lost and needy, falling apart, but other times, the promise I made on the graveside, gives me the strength, and I feel rejuvenated, and the promise of a new tomorrow lights me up. Its hard, really hard, and my greatest fear, is what if this pain becomes the hand that will stop me from entering heaven? Its heavy and hard to carry, and its the burden I want to give to Jesus, its the one thing that is preventing me from seeing what a beautiful world God created, His wonders, His strength, the feeling that makes you go on your knees and just worship........ this pain am afraid could be my downfall, I need to be lifted, high into the mountain, I need to see Jesus, I need to catch the helm of his cloth, and be healed, I need to cry at His feet, because I need to...

Happy Birthday Julyne.

Old flames

2008-08-15T03:18:00.000-07:00

It keeps coming back

2008-08-15T03:03:00.000-07:00

When I have some victories, I wish there was someone here I could say cheers too. True friends are so hard to come by, some are passers by, some are just hanging around till something else comes along, and i still cant believe that the probability of finding, one true friend gets tougher with time, and am aging, and missing out, and my heart is still broken into pieces, yesterday while sleeping I remembered this one night, when he picked me up from the seat, held me in his arms and started slow dancing, my head on his shoulders my hand in his, and the other arm around his neck just dancing, with no music except the heartbeating, I refuse to accept that you are gone, and I refuse to accept that there can be another you
Do we get second chances at love? At friendship? At family? Do we, coz have been waiting a long time now............. There was only one Thomas, and there was only one Maxy, and there could be only one Tomax.

I will still be here loving my family

2008-06-19T10:37:00.001-07:00

If all you have was tonight, if the sleep you will get tonight will be your last breath, if tomorrow you woke up at the banks of River Jordan, would you be fine, with how you lived today?
Will you have loved like you wont get hurt.....................................

One moment in time

2008-06-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

Each day I live............

2008-06-17T07:21:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it get so quite I hear the sounds of the leaves talking, very late at night when i walk down the road to the house. I can see every house in the court yard dark everyone asleep. Am never too sure if I really want to warm some food or just rush into the fridge and wash down the sandwich with cold juice.
Yesterday was too hard, life was not supposed to turn out this way. The devil is waging a war on me, and all I have is a job that has kept me away from church for the last four months, and a breaking heart that is keeping me away from friends. I was down and out, lonely and scared, jobless and penniless. Then Jesus decided to give me a gift of a job this year,, now am busy with no time, still lonely and living in a bigger house, and with every excuse for not joining my brethen in fellowship. And everyday, as my bible gathers dust, I remain lonelier and lonelier, and now my greatest fear is the big rift between the one and only friend who has stood by me on the toughtest and most defeated times of my life.
Jesus, I have no excuse for turning my eyes from the mountain of love you have given me, but I want to thank you for not turning your love away from me, when like human mind I have forgotten, like human heart I have become of faint faith, like of human heart I have trusted in my strengths and my weakness, mould me a new vessel, and put a new wine in me, that I might drink of your cup
Because even as my human heart pains, fails, my strength cometh not from me, but from whence I look unto the hills I still see you Jesus.

Have been loved by the best

2008-06-11T12:50:00.000-07:00

Diaries of my life

2008-06-11T12:38:00.000-07:00

Maybe I should have said Days of my life, they are moving too fast too soon. And with every step I progress with, sometimes my heart pumps harder than it should with thoughts of, am doomed to be alone. Loneliness is not my idea of spending the rest of my life, but as days go by I keep meeting old school girlfriends who are married, college friends, and lately it was my childhood neighbour Judy, bumped into her in the bowling hall, I happen to have moved jobs out of town but she is here with her hubby, she got married and they moved into this town.
I had to hold my smile and say" that is so nice, " Am talking about jobs while everyone else seems to be talking about family. I must be in the wrong direction, but I cant help it, spending a life time with anyone is a commitment that I would want to come from my heart. That is the way TM would have loved it, and I promised him on that graveside, that I will do it right just for loves sake, that if somebody else gets to loving me, I got to be loving them back too.
I ask, do I beleive in fairy tales too much! Am gone turn 40 someday and everyone will be asking, how can beautiful people like her turn out like that! This is a secret between God, myself and TM, that even if it lasts me a life time, that I had been loved by the best.
All the best,and nice time

You touched my heart

2008-05-31T22:39:00.001-07:00

Got lost with time

2008-05-31T22:26:00.000-07:00

I know the last you heard from me was in February, which is a tough time as I have come to know, tough time because love is always in the air, and the final scent of the one we love remains lingering even when they leave for work in the morning,
I always think, how strong does it have to be; love, that when someone leaves, not to come back no more, the scent is still here, lingering on. I finally put down the picture frame from the dressing table, I thought all those family members coming in, and having a good look at it, that is why i moved it from the living room to the bedroom, but you cant stop your girlfriends from checking you out, so now its not on the dressing table, but my heart failed me so i took it and behind my picture on the frame I stuck it there. What someone cant see cant possible hurt them, can it?
I guess every new man I have met, gets put off either by the tear at the corner of my eyes when they would ask about, that picture, or by the loving way I used to look at it........
I pray you are all doing well, going strong in love, going strong in family, going strong in faith. Pray for those who don't know love today, pray for those who have lost it only but for a short time, and pray for those who have it to treasure it, hold it, protect it and fight for it, money may make the world go round, but loves keeps it on track.....

Back Home

2008-02-11T11:56:00.000-08:00

Am back where it all started, this feels like home. My biggest plans this year is to face his family. My loss , brought bitterness into my heart, anger, unforgiveness, hardenning, feelings of i dont need anyone, feeling of i can make it on my own....... a mixture of a lot of things.

Now I just want to go back there, one more time, its the least I can do after have been away for so long. Only my heart and my head can ever know what goes through me, I want to face my demons, face the fact that he aint here, live my life like i should, and give love a second chance. It has taken me almost 3 years to gather the strength I need to accept his death, I should let him rest, and leave everything else, to chance and fate, trusting myself that I can make it, not on my own, but in Him who strengthens me. What a friend we have in Jesus. Thus fr we have come, even with my love gone, Jesus has stood by me, for better or worse, when I didnt look up at Him and when I cried at His feet, when I stopped to beleive, He still couldnt let go of my hand, what kind of friends stick around you like that?

For all those people who knew me and my love, some i havent seen for ages, I know they will all ask, if I had moved on, am not sure about the answers, am not sure about alot of things either. Except for the fact, that seeing that grave one more time, will final give me the closure I need.

Still going strong...

2008-01-28T01:26:00.000-08:00

Mine wasn’t a very pleasant seniour High, there I was staying with my Aunt whose hubby had died , left with a young son. Aunt was a tailor , and you know what they say with tailors, they just never make that dress on time, I limit this comment to regions. Another cousin of mine Cynthia, lived here too. It wasn’t such an ideal environment, because for one my ma and pa and the rest of the family lived in the city. Living with my aunt, those were really tough times. Aunt Becky, was somehow lazy , but such a sweet talker. In some ways this worked for me or against me. Cousin Cynthia and I would always sleep late in the night boiling the drinking water, wake up early to open the tailor shop, and when I say early, thats’ before the birds start singing. When you are not from Africa its hard to comprehend, what am talking about, but also it would be hard to appreciate significantly the poverty side of this continent. I was a child raised up in the city, and living with my aunt in the countryside, though in an urban centre, and been entirely in her hand. There were no mobile phones then, and I would always get my spending allowance through Aunty Becky who somehow never released the funds to me and I was forced to go to school with little to do money. Sometimes she would leave us for a month with less than a dollar with promises of coming over the next day, and they would disappear for a whole month with my other cousin Boyd. Those days , which was during holidays, it was so heard to get by, as we would be forced to borrow from persons who in one way or another were related to our families, between me and Cynthia. Cynthia, Boyd , and I shared mothers who were sisters to each other. When Thomas walked into my life, things were really frustrating. I was in my two last years of Senoir High, and having it so rough. Am not sure when he came around if it a relief or true feelings of love. What I remember the most, is something grew out of whatever relationship we had, friendship.

We need each other just as much as we Need God

2008-01-27T02:55:00.000-08:00

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? 8:32 He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him up for us all, how shall he not with him also freely give us all things? 8:33 Who shall lay any thing to the charge of God's elect? It is God that justifieth

Roman 8:31-33 http://www.surfinthespirit.com/bible/Romans.html

Raw Love!

2008-01-26T02:27:00.000-08:00

It wasn’t easy, I could say because I was seeing this other boy from the neighborhood. We had just met, and dated for two weeks, so the next day while Thomas kept hovering around my Aunt’s house , the other boy was dying with jealousy outside the perimeter of the house. Thomas had access to the house because Aunt knew him. I couldn’t help it, he was the perfect guy. He knew all the right things to say, how to say them, and when to say them. I just drifted when I was with him. He was so grown up, not like me at all, or the other boy. But the other boy did not want to give me up, he would question me if Thomas had come around, yet I had told him off…that I couldn’t be his girlfriend. He went beserk and wanted to beat me up, on a certain Friday, Thomas heard of that, and told him to keep off. I don’t remember if that is how the boy, got out of my life but when I went back to boarding school, officially Thomas was my boyfie. Every girl in school would talk about him. He was extremely handsome as far as my eyes could see, and the whole town, knew that he was mine. The name Maxy, that was my nickname in school, and all the time I knew him, he only called me by that name Maxy. He called that name so much that it just stuck somehow. He would say Maxy this, Maxy that, Maxy …Maxy …Maxy….. I miss that so much. When someone loves you , you just know it. It withstands the test of anything. Then I had never even looked up the meaning of infatuation, didn’t know what love is…it was just…the feelings. Raw and clear.

Let it......

2008-01-24T23:11:00.000-08:00

My phones welcome note, for the whole of last year was Jesus loves me so much! I just changed it into In Loving Memory of Thomas. I think am still going to put it back, to Jesus loves me so much, when am done crying. Don’t ask me why, it has nothing to do with me been down low, you probably think that there is no time that I ever laugh, I do. However, in private moments, its him I think about. Am so disturbed.
When Thomas died I was not in town. I had left some weeks before for a job assignment that took me to a remote village on a lake view stand. He proposed to me over the phone just before I left the office headquaters, for the village for a baseline survey we were doing. He said, when I get back, we should do it this time. Thomas and I started dating ages ago when I was still in Senior High. He wasn’t my first boyfriend, but he was the first man I ever fell in love with. The first time I met him, I was sitting on my aunt doorstep, listening to a song by Judy Boucher, you caught my eyes, singing to the tunes. He sang that song…along with me, when I looked up, he was right there standing behind me, with a big smile on his face. I could say it was love at first sight. It’s that magic moment that changed my whole life, the start of a ages to come, good ages.

All cant be Unwell

2008-01-23T23:02:00.000-08:00

For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning

Psalms 30:5 http://www.surfinthespirit.com/

as I fall, I hope to rise again,

Holding on...

2008-01-23T06:42:00.000-08:00

Sometimes when I get a little bit unwell like now, I long for your presence here. Is it the idea that someone you love has the money to help you access the best medical attention or is it the moral and undying support and the helping hand that someone who loves you gives. I never realized just how those little moments meant until now, sometime when I go to see the doctor I can still see you, occasional on the pharmacy qeue, waiting to pick up my medicine, or the moments when you would just sit on the couch, saying I would be fine. I have been asking myself one question. Where are those kind of men now? Everybody seems to be absorbed with their own lives, economic issues have taken the precedence, didn’t we have those worries then, or have I changed the class of people am around. Having a good time seems like something you have to plan for in advance, create time for, even a good laugh. On Sunday I did something that reminded me of us, I paid a visit to some friends of mine, and we played a game of cards for the better part of the afternoon. I believe we would all agree when the weekend comes again, that we had some good laugh, and a memorable moment. To be honest I was so glad I didn’t make it to the office after the Church service. Loneliness can get to anyone, it gets to me occasionally, and I am like I need to move on, but as I have found out, its better said than done. I don’t fight too hard even when I know there is a good heaven chance to get what I want. I don’t try too hard either. I am just in a shell, sometimes empty, sometimes full.
I believe I can find love again, am young, am not some old woman who has been married for 40 something years, who just cant bear to move on, but resolves to age lonesome in honour of her late husband.
I am a young, beautiful woman who fell in love with you, had the best years of my late teens with you, and lost you when we were almost there, and now am having problem trying to get over you, death has no mercy. What is it that is so wrong since then , that I cant seem to be dealing with the fact that you are not here anymore, they buried you before I came home…could that be the reason, that even from your grave, I cant move on. Were you mad at me, when the accident happened, that you can’t let me let you go?
Somebody has to help me out of this…….because, am not fine. I can handle the bodily illness, what I cant handle is my sick heart, because it not getting well…..even when my mind has told it over and over, that you ain’t coming home, no more

Gone case, ....

2008-01-22T04:57:00.000-08:00

Am not sure what is going through my head right now, but I can feel thorn piercing my heart, and the loss of you is so raw.

Am scared no one will be able to hold me again. Am afraid because because I put on this face, and let life pass me by, the loss of you is eating away on me, am wondering how can the world go by, yet you are not here, cant they see you are not here? Days are turning into years, I still cant , and dont seem to be capable of controlling the fact that I still miss you so.

My worst nightmare, is that am living it right here, is the Good Lord certain that he only created a rib for a rib....because i think mine is gone, and second chances are what man created to console himself with, am so lost without you

Are you sure that I can get over his death?

2008-01-21T08:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I ask myself that, there are other times that am so sure that am over you, in times like those my faith is strong and I holdfast to it, but other times my heart fails me, and thoughts of you cross my mind, I hold the tears back.......then I leave this blog for a while, just for a while, because I think am strong to let it go, like a sign that i should let you go...but when am down like now...... I got to come back at this altar and admit all over again that I miss you so much, here come another year.......what am i really looking forward to?

Kenya sleeps...I sleep

2008-01-09T02:15:00.000-08:00

my heart thumps...thumps...but only weakly
Shouls i be afraid of me, or of them?
Am I my greatest enemy or are they my greatest enemy. 2008, and am scared that life is passing me, afraid that i myt loose, all I have maybe to insanity, i dont seem to have feeling no more, am going numbe inside.......am almost loosing faith in love
Its the greatest commandment of all love your neighbour as you love thee.............a greater calling, greater task, but a test of my faith, brethen...a test of our faith
Fight we may, but love we should.......because its the greatest!!!