Some Bunny Luv's You

Do you ever get tired of life?

2021-09-04T11:55:00.003-07:00

I am tired of life right now, oh don't get me wrong I'm not tired of living just tired of life. Two days ago well lets start before that, seven days ago I woke up with a headache so bad I spent the day in bed slept most of the day and night and the next day was the same till about 4pm then I felt a bit better and got up, the following day my ears started to hurt mostly my left ear so I got drops and started to treat them, then the headache came full force, it's not a full time headache, what I mean is depending on how I held my head that would either be fine or a sharp pain on the top of my head on the left side would feel like someone hammered a nail in my head so then I would have to grab my head and move it putting pressure with my hand on the spot seemed to help. Very soon after that happened I started to have pain in my armpits and it started to move towards my chest so my husband called an ambulance. Went to hospital they checked my vitals and decided I wasn't having a heart attack or stroke so put me in a chair in emerge and there I sat for two hours in pain moaning and groaning wishing I had just stayed home getting madder and madder by the minute, finally someone came and talked to me and asked for my name and I hear the lady say I found her, guess they forgot about me as usual. the nurse was so nice she was exhausted of course because Covid has taken over our hospital every floor, and as I was sitting in emergency more people were coming in and all of them had not been vaccinated and they were all sick, both my hubby and I have had our shots our choice but as I am sitting there in so much pain I start to get scared because more and more came in, I wore a mask and stayed away from people but still so scary. I also started to feel stupid coming in with what I had going on when all these other people had to be on oxygen, after what seemed like hours they took some blood gave me demoral and fluids and I sat and sat wishing I could just leave, I told them about my armpits and how much pain I was in and the top of my head but no one even looked at my head or armpits,, they decided it was a migraine and after the fluids were done they sent me home. It is now two days later and I still have a sore left ear, still sleeping with a heating pad on my head and my armpits and along the underside of my arms down to my elbows are still hurting not as bad mind you but still enough that I can't put deodorant on or wear a bra, I have started to put coconut oil in my pits and actually that seems to help a bit so I will keep doing that, ice on and off for headache and pits and heat for ear. This is the first day I have gotten out of bed besides to have a shower and change my sheets, drinking a shit load of water along with my armpits starting I ended up with the craps for two days that has stopped thank god and I managed to eat yesterday, so I have no idea what the hell is happening but a couple people are saying it's a reaction to the shot but can you have a reaction almost 3 weeks after? I don't know all I know is this last year I haven't slept through the night with all my anxiety and being scared of this world and my hubby's health just messed me up, well I have now made up for most of the time of sleep deprivation lol, I will try and stay up for a bit but it won't last want to have a shower, just doing that exhausts me back into bed but it's a start, it's not getting worse at least I have that and I am not as swollen, had to take all my rings off glad I did or they would have had to be cut off, pretty sure it's not a migraine but who knows at this point as long as it is starting to feel better each day I am fine, sure as heck am not going back to the hospital, I feel so bad for all the workers they are doing all they can on little to no sleep, so very sad world for so many and they say this will keep going for 3-5 years. One day at a time pray we all get through this but I already know some have not, everyone keeps saying we will have such a party when it is over, not me it will be a long time till I am going to feel like celebrating with all this loss around us.

Let's try this again

2021-03-11T17:23:00.002-08:00

I have thought about trying to write again for awhile but I just haven't been in the right mind set to give it a go, it's been so long since I have been here seems like years. I am struggling right now with depression and I am so exhausted all the time, but everyone now a days is struggling with something, especially with covid, I am terrified all the time, I go to get grocery's and when I get home I want to pour bleach all over me lol but I don't of course but don't think that I haven't thought about it. I try to keep my mind off of things but it's hard when all you hear or read is about the virus, everyone has an opinion but no one seems to know what the hell they are talking about, so I stay away from just about everyone. My husband just got out of the hospital because of pneumonia and a fungal infection in his lungs, was in there for a week, seemed like a lot longer but that's cause I was so full of anxiety having him gone, then he comes home and two days later we are pissing each other off hahahahahaha back to normal around here. So much has happened since I last wrote, maybe I will try and write it all down but for today I think this is a good start, sure hope everyone is doing well and staying safe, will try and come back tomorrow and write more and who knows maybe I will get back in the swing of things again till then take care....

Some Bunny Luv's You: No Excuses

2019-09-08T22:21:00.001-07:00

Some Bunny Luv's You: No Excuses: It's been so long since I wrote, I wish I could say it's because I was having an exciting adventure but alas nope just regular life ...

No Excuses

2019-09-08T22:20:00.001-07:00

It's been so long since I wrote, I wish I could say it's because I was having an exciting adventure but alas nope just regular life with regular problems. I guess I have been hiding again it's not that I am depressed or angry I think I have been numb, after all that happened with my hubby, I just kind of went into a funk. I just didn't feel well anything oh sure I laughed and I cried but mostly I sat and got lost inside myself, I think I just needed to protect myself maybe my body knew I was sinking and just hung on to the edge for awhile and you know what I'm good with that. Today as of two min before coming here I guess I decided it is time to wake up again, oh I didn't just sit around I worked in my garden, built a cat run, built a new dove cage, extended the rabbit pen and purged about ten boxes of stuff, so I have been busy not sure why I feel like I was in a funk but I just do lol, a very productive funk. One thing that has been fantastic is I have had many visits with family well my nephew and niece but that's family is it not lol, it's been amazing to talk and visit what a blessing, I noticed that when they come to visit I can't stop talking hahahahaha I think I have craved family more than I even knew, it's hard when you can't travel and depend on people coming to see you, i don't complain about it cause I know everyone has things going on in there life but I sure do miss everyone. There is a family reunion next year and I am trying to figure out how I can get to it we will have to save up and either rent or borrow a camper van, something that has a bathroom in it to keep my anxiety away cause if I have a toilet along with me I won't panic about what if I need a bathroom cause just that will keep me from going, isn't that sad, but that is me and I either deal with it or go crazy trying to accept who I am. Well I am tired and Dean just woke up to get ready for work, he is working graveyard again, hate it but it is an easier shift for him so I keep my mouth shut and just make the cat sleep with me hahahahaha, who am I fooling she sleeps with whoever she damn well pleases hahahahha.

Need some therapy :-(

2019-03-13T19:59:00.000-07:00

Hi, I know it has been a long time since I have been here, things have been pretty ruff for me in the last few months, with all of my hubby's medical stuff and my health I just haven't felt like writing anything, right now I just need to vent and I don't want to call anyone so here I am lol. So hubby recovered from the blood disorder thank goodness, I can't tell you how scared we were when that happened, it sure opened my eyes up to some things we need to think about like a will and directions as to who gets what if something happens to one of us, we still need to get some things done it's just been to hard to think about anything in the last 6 months. He was so excited to finally have the go ahead from the doctor to go back to work, I was nervous about him going back but he did fine, he worked all of four or five days and then the Thursday came and he left to walk to work because our car was not working got a block away from home and got hit by a car, thank goodness nothing was broken just tissue and muscle damage, well that is bad enough but it could have been so much worse. He had two weeks more off of work and then the doctor said he could go back to light duties at work, thank goodness we got the car fixed because if we didn't he wouldn't have been able to walk to work. So you can imagine how much stress we both have had to work through and I am still having a very hard time of it, doesn't help that it is the end of winter and I so need to be outside again but everyone told us that ICBC would be horrible and I thought I was prepared but I sure wasn't prepared for the phone call we had a couple days ago, you see our ass of an adjuster said that because the driver did not get a ticket form the police Dean is not going to get any money for lost wages or pain, basically he is saying it was Dean's fault? What the hell is up with that, Dean was in a crosswalk on a green light the driver did not have the turning blinking light and she turned and hit him, how the hell is that his fault? and to top it all off we didn't hear from ICBC for weeks and I called at the beginning of Jan and asked if we could get help with paying rent and the guy says you won't get any money till you close the claim, so basically my hubby gets hit by a car and we almost were going to have to live in our car because of it!!!!!!! if it wasn't for family and the fantastic place that we live I don't know what we would have done, we didn't think EI was going to help us because Dean had only worked a few days, thankfully family helped us pay Jan rent and the wonderful place we live let us do payments for Feb rent and in the end we will pay Feb rent in a day because our income tax came in early, a bright light that we needed for sure. EI called and spoke to Dean and asked what happened and the guy was amazing he granted Dean a weeks pay so that got us some food he said to Dean that we had been through enough and he was soooooo right at that. I have been holding it together for the last 5 months well almost 6 months but unfortunately things have gotten a bit to much for me to deal with, it doesn't help that I have a meeting tomorrow evening at my house that is going to be very difficult to handle because of the subject the co-op has to discuss and I am so stressed out about it that I am having tremors and afraid to eat anything, I have been having food anxiety for the past 8 months from everything going on so this is no surprise but to keep my strength up for this very nerve racking meeting I will need to eat something, the only thing I have been able to eat is an apple with some cheese and a bit of peanut butter not great but at least something. Dean is so worried for me cause he has been seeing me downslide I have been trying to hide it from him but he sees it, I just keep telling myself that after this cut it with a knife stressful meeting is done I can try and eat again, well I had some pop today and a little bit of peanuts that was good and so far it has stayed down. I so want to cancel this meeting but I can't it's to important but sure wish it was at someone elses home but also if that happened I wouldn't be attending so I guess in some way this is good cause I have no choice but be there. I wish I could skip ahead 24 hours thank goodness I have some very understanding neigbours, they get that I am having a hard time and if it gets to much I can walk out of the room if I need to, what is so sad about this all is all of this stress and anxiety is because of one person who couldn't care less that she is making all of us feel this way, I just hope that I will have the strength and power to get through all this, I mean I will get through this I know I will I just don't want to show weakness to this person one little bit because she will take it as power and that I will not stand for in my home......

2019 began with a bang

2019-01-19T11:42:00.002-08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2019

So apparently the last 6 months are all about hubby lol, he recovered from the blood disorder thank goodness that is good news for sure, he can have a flair up at anytime so we just have to watch for signs. Then he got back to work for 4 days had two off and on the first day he was off our car died, I had no idea what was wrong all the lights and radio worked but when you tried to start the car nothing happened. It turns out our car alarm was on and draining the battery, see the fuse for the light pod that shows the alarm is on was blown so once we replaced the fuse we could see the lights going so got a new battery and then had to figure out how to turn the alarm off took a couple days to figure it out but got it done, in the meantime hubby had to walk to work because the car wasn't fixed yet so off he goes Thursday he gets home from work and says well I am tired but the walk wasn't that bad. Friday comes and he gets ready for work Set's off walking at 3:00 pm and phone rings at 3:15 pm it's my hubby and he tells me he just got hit by a car, well I freaked out of course was about to hang up and run to the end of the block but he tells me not to bother the ambulance is almost there and he will be gone by the time I got there, so off to the hospital he goes. That was the longest day ever because I got no news of what was going on and by 7pm I was ready to walk to the hospital so I called and turns out he was in a cab and on his way home. He has no broken bones just a lot of muscle and tissue damage thank god he didn't hit his head cause he rolled himself but still he was in and still is pain. It's been a week now and he is walking with a cane feeling a bit stronger everyday and the swelling of his chest, arms and leg has gone down. We are very glad that this is all that happened it could have been so much worse cause she threw him about 10 feet, but he is recovering very frustrated as heck because he just wants to get back to work but he is alive and that I am so grateful for even though he is driving me crazy being home basically for the last 6 months lol. I am doing okay mostly, being winter time my anxiety and depression is always high but I have had to much to do for him that I haven't had time to think, the last 3 days have been a bit harder because I have been able to sit and relax and think about stuff like how are we going to pay the bills? rent? food? and all the medical things he will need. We have talked to a lawyer to get an idea of what to do next but we haven't signed anything it's so damn hard to know what to do, I have some tell me talk to ICBC and then others saying don't talk to them get a lawyer, at this point as soon as I start talking about what to do my anxiety kicks in and I get nauseous and can't deal, so I have taken a break for the weekend and will start again on Monday trying to figure things out but if I could have one wish I sure would love it if someone would take this part on for me I just want to make sure my hubby is covered for whatever he needs and be fare also. So hopefully things will go better next week and this is also the last thing all year for hubby lol......

Great News

2018-12-01T13:53:00.002-08:00

I am so happy and excited to say that my hubby's platelets are back up above 150, the best Xmas gift I could ask for, the next step is to go ask his doctor when he can go back to work and then off he goes. The hematologist said he will have this disorder for the rest of his life but that other people have had it and it has never shown up again, so we are hoping that is how it goes with Dean. He will have to be careful of lifting heavy things and if he has a bleeding nose that does not stop he will have to go to the hospital but we are trying not to think about that and just hope for the best, if it does come back then he will be on disability for the rest of his life, it will be hard but we will adjust. I am trying to get things set up for winter around here, today I am going to take a picture of our new siding and send an email to all my family cause they all want to see the new stuff lol, we as a co-op are very happy with the color and product. My doves are driving me crazy today I think it is a close the door and let them out for a bit day, they have wings clipped so they cant fly to much but they usually go and visit with the rabbit's for awhile, eat some of there food and drink there water hahahaha the rabbit's actually like them so that is a bonus, I can't let my lovebird out with them I am afraid he will bite them if he gets the chance so he comes out on his own, he also goes to see the rabbits and wants to be friends but his high pitch chirp doesn't make the rabbit's happy so they usually chase him out of there pen. Well I better get my butt in order I have to go to town today for a couple things, hope everyone is well chat soon.....

Just random stuff

2018-11-16T09:45:00.002-08:00

Morning, woke up to banging on the walls again, the guy's are here putting on our new siding so all I have heard for the past week is tap tap bang of putting nails in, I will be so happy when they are done. I love the new color will brighten up this place a lot and next spring they will be painting the stucco, this place will sure look good outside, now I just have to fix inside lol. I am supposed to get a fake wall for the one wall in my living room because the firewall has cracks but I have been waiting for over two years now so not counting on it. The unit that burned last summer is almost ready for new people and I am going to go have a look later today as much as I don't want to because it is all new in there and I am stuck with 17 year old crappy paint, they will pay for paint and rollers but I have to do all the work and I am just not able to do it alone, so I am stuck but I am starting to wash the walls tomorrow and I might even take the doors off the cupboards and sand them down, I want to take all winter and prep everything so I can start to paint little by little next spring. Well I have animals calling me to clean there cages so I better run, hope everyone is having a good day..

Update

2018-11-13T10:11:00.002-08:00

Hello, just a short update on things, Dean is doing well he is starting to get bored a lot thinks he will go back to work soon as the doc says he is good to go, that will be good for both of us lol. I have been baking a lot in the last couple weeks and I am going to make some more cookies or I might just make the batter and freeze it so when I feel like rolling them out I will that way we don't have a bunch in the house to eat right away, if there is one thing I can do very good is baking, well thats what hubby says. Yesterday I figured out that we have been together for 30 years, 30 years that is amazing to me, I am thinking it is time to make it official lol, who knows maybe next summer we will hit the court house, I would like to just have a small gathering at our house, maybe some day. The guy is here putting the siding on the walls, it looks so nice can't wait for the hammering to end, that has been the worst part being woken up to knocking that I know is him but I always have to get up and look to make sure lol. I have come up with a good idea about the old siding, I am going to take a few good pieces and make a sign for Pauline, I think it will be perfect for her sign to be part of the original siding, going to ask my neighbor if he can burn her name and a saying on it then I will stake it out by her tree that was planted, I might even make one for the office wall. Well I better get my butt in gear I have cages and the rabbit pen to clean today and recycling to take out to the bin. Have a great day all......

Some Bunny Luv's You: Expecting a cold and wham there it is right on tim...

2018-10-29T22:12:00.001-07:00

Some Bunny Luv's You: Expecting a cold and wham there it is right on tim...: My day goes like this snorting awake from snoring cough cough cough roll over pretend to fall asleep I say pretend because I know I will not...

Expecting a cold and wham there it is right on time lol

2018-10-29T22:11:00.003-07:00

My day goes like this snorting awake from snoring cough cough cough roll over pretend to fall asleep I say pretend because I know I will not sleep more but the bed is so damn warm I just lay there till hubby says, well you getting up today? throw pillow at him laugh cough cough cough, get up and test myself on just how long I can stay out of bed without a fever, ohhh about three hours. I usually hate having a cold but to be honest I am enjoying this one a little because I am catching up on all the lack of sleep I have had for months, just wish I didn't feel so weak and why is it that when I am sick all I want is chocolate pudding and a big mac hahahahahaha, tomorrow I am making a zucchini chocolate loaf and I can't wait, well that is the plan just hope I have enough energy to make the damn thing. Hubby is feeling good, so far he hasn't caught this cold sure hope he doesn't. He wants to go back to work and I am all up for that cause he is driving me crazy lol well actually it has been nice to have him around but to much more and I will have to put him to work around here. We had our fall clean up at the co-op, sent out a notice to everyone and told them I won't be able to come out cause I am to sick, but I ended up going out for about an hour and a half then I had to come in and warm up and sleep, I was cold the rest of the day but the fresh air did feel good. Not a very good turn out again for clean up, there was only four of us out of thirteen units, some people will do there part on there own time but some as always will do nothing and then complain about how the grounds look as I want to kick them in the ass for doing so. The new siding will be put on starting this Wed I can't wait, will take some pictures to show the new look. well I am nodding my head so time for me to get in bed and sleep hopefully through the night but probably for three hours, that's okay I will take what I can get right now.....

Some Bunny Luv's You: Up Date on Life

2018-10-16T11:26:00.001-07:00

Some Bunny Luv's You: Up Date on Life: Hello, hubby is doing well his platelets are rising and he feels much better, more energy some mood swings but we expected that all in all h...

Up Date on Life

2018-10-16T10:59:00.001-07:00

Hello, hubby is doing well his platelets are rising and he feels much better, more energy some mood swings but we expected that all in all he is progressing well. We don't know how much they have raised in the last couple weeks but he will see the doctor soon and find out, I think they will be at least in the 80's now. He has gone and visited with his mom a couple times now, he struggles to go cause he doesn't want to leave the house but he comes home feeling good that he went. There are a few things sturring up with his family I won't write them here but I sure wish they all understood that we can't call them because we don't have long distance on our phone and we just can't afford it, it's funny they can't seem to call us, it goes both ways for sure but it's hard for me because my family chat a lot, I speak to all my siblings at least once a month if not more. Dean's ei has finally started to come in thank goodness because he was getting madder and madder driving me crazy lol. As for me I am doing a bit better the tremors have almost gone again and I have been able to keep myself on track with my meds so feeling much better. I am trying to be outside as much as I can before it snows, take Cali our cat out almost every day, she would spend all day outside if she could but I still bring her in with me cause I don't want her fighting, not that I would worry about her winning she has an attitude as big as an elephant when other cats come in her yard lol. Well I best get the day started I have house inspection next month so trying to clean and organize for that, not a big deal because it is just me and a neighbor that do our place and hers and another neighbors so no judgement from her, not that my place is a mess but I always feel yucky being inspected as I am sure all the others do. Hope everyone is well if anyone reads this, I kind of assume it's just me reading my blog, will be nice to go back and read about how things have changed or stayed the same.....

hubby not well :-(

2018-09-11T16:27:00.001-07:00

So much has happened since I last wrote, so much that I am not sure I have the strength to write it all. Dean came home from work at about 9:30pm as soon as I heard the door I knew something was wrong because he works till midnight, I guess a lady got mad when she was pumping her gas and didn't like how he explained something and when he was walking back towards the shop she clipped him with the front end of her car and knocked him down. There were a couple people that saw what happened and one got her plate number because she drove off hit and run. Anyways he thought he was fine just his knee's hurt a bit and his hip but he continued to work. Then his days off came and I was taking him to the doctor and he got called in to work because the girl didn't show up for her shift and then quit, so he worked Tues and Wed which were going to be the first two days off in a row for a few weeks,Wed he told his boss that he doesn't have much more to give cause he is exhausted. Thursday I noticed some red dots all over his body and I thought they were heat rashes so I said you need to go to the doctor but there is only three people left to work shifts so he said he can't, he worked Thursday evening came home and tried to sleep, at 6:00am he woke me and told me he was going to emerge because the spots had moved to his mouth, said not to worry just sleep cause I didn't get to bed till 2am Thursday night. 8:00 am and 8:30 am he phoned and told me to come to the hospital and get his wallet and the car because he was going to be there for 2-3 days, as you can imagine I was in a panic crying and didn't know what to do, thankfully a neighbor took me to the hospital. I walked into the room and there is my hubby all connected to these monitors but awake and sounding weak. A normal person has 150 platelets in there blood and he had 2, so they gave him a couple treatments one by intravenous started at about 10:30am and was done around 2 am, then he also had to take ten pills two times a day. On Friday morning he was at a level of 12 so they let him come home but had to be very carefull, if he got hurt or was bleeding from anywhere he had to rush back to the hospital, so he was and is being very carefull of anything he does. The doctor at emerge told us that he has thrombocytopenia they said if he didn't go to the hospital when he did he could have bled out and died, the dotor that came on Sat morning told us that Dean will have to retire from this point on he no longer can work because he has to be careful from now on for the rest of his life. We are both scared and worried we don't know what is going to happen, he goes for an ultrasound tomorrow to make sure he isn't bleeding from the inside and then we go to his doctors to find out what is next to do, we can tell that the treatment is working because the spots are gone from his mouth and the ones on his body are slowly going away. So for now we are trying to keep good thoughts and not get to worked up but it is hard I am so worried for him and us but I am trying to stay strong for Dean and keep it together at least till we have more info on what to expect next.

Getting Better I Hope

2018-08-29T13:58:00.001-07:00

Helloooooo, I have been away far to long it's just been taking all my energy to keep my moods up but today I am feeling a bit better. All around us has been filled with smoke from fires, it has been so bad that I have had to stay inside and I have been so depressed because of it but yesterday and today we have been able to open our windows for a bit and the house smells better. My eyes are still weeping but at least they are not burning so happy for that. I have been ever so grateful that the rabbit's and doves are in the house with us cause the smoke would have made it horrible for them and me so that is a good thing. My very good friend Maurie is here in town for a couple months, she lives part time here and part time in Mexico, just having her here has raised my moods so much that I have made it to the dollar store this week lol. I am helping her go through her things to be packed away or taken to her kids place so keeping me busy, I had today off to rest. My hubby is doing well he has gained back a bit of weight but staying pretty stable now and so far he is just on the diabetic pills no insilin so far. I need to get laundry done so just a short note today maybe write more tonight, hope everyone is well and safe.....

For Today I Am Strong

2018-07-06T17:49:00.005-07:00

I managed to go to the store today and spend some of my birthday money at the dollar store, I had a blast, well after I sat in the car for five minutes deciding if I was going to be able to even go in the store, my anxiety is very high right now so just leaving the house is a challenge but I did it, like some other people who live with anxiety I have some ritual words I say to get me passed the anxiety sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't, my biggest thought that I keep right out front is for today all I want to do is enter the door that's it just enter the store and if I need to leave I leave not a big deal, I look at it in this way it got me out of the house for a short period of time yay me. Most of the stores I go to know I struggle it's good and bad that they do cause sometimes you just want to be invincible, but today I entered the store and the girl at the till says to me, hey you look great feel free to stay and shop or leave no pressure hahahahahaha I laughed with her and I managed to stay for almost 20 min and I was having a good time no hurry to leave then a screaming kid came in and I said to myself time to go, paid and left, as I got back into my car I had to sit for a few min to settle not because I was anxious just to relax my arms and body from the tension of anxiety of the unknown, then I drove home parked the car and said congrats girl today was victory celebrate. It's the little wins that make a day just a bit better than the last. For the rest of today I plan on cleaning the house looking after the animals and tonight I as funny as this sounds will be looking forward to climbing into bed with nice clean sheets, not counting on sleep cause that is wishful thinking for me right now, just will bask in the fresh smell and soft comfy bed aaahhhhh, it's the little things hahahahaha.

It's like being on the edge of a cliff

2018-07-03T16:05:00.002-07:00

Today I told my husband that I am not doing well, there have been to many dissapointments in the last while that it has broken me down, as per usual my hubby said yes I know I saw it coming. I hate this part of my life I feel so weak as a person even though I know I am not most of the time. I am just so tired even my head is heavy on my shoulders today, I am not sure where I will get the strength to carry on, everything is greay right now my head is so full my thoughts are swirling around faster and faster, all I want to do is go to bed and sleep. I wish I could sleep I can't shut my head off . I need so bad to find something in the next few days that will make me feel better about myself so I can get passed this grey spot. I have been fighting this damn depression on and off for 45 years and I am tired. Tomorrow is my birthday I will be 53 and all I can think about is how useless I feel I am cause i haven't been able to work for years now and now that I won't get paid for mowing I have no income coming in, I didn't make a lot just $300.00 a summer but it was good to be able to help get a few grocery's and have a bit of spending money but that is gone now and if I wasn't so angry about it I would just sit here and cry. I think I am going to have to go back to therapy for a bit, I have to go to my doc tomorrow maybe they can set something up cause I am very scared that I am not going to be able to pull myself up. I am a good person I rspect others and care to the point of exhaustion so why do I have to suffer through this when I am just so damn tired.

I have been disrespected

2018-06-21T18:40:00.001-07:00

I'm am not sure I can write this and make any sense because I am so hurt and upset and it is just been a very hard day. I have been the head of grounds in the co-op that we live at for about eleven or more years, and for the past four years I have been the person who mows all the common area with the ride on mower, now I have to back step a bit, before I started to do the job of mowing the co-op paid another guy who lived here for doing the job of mowing and he also weeded all the common area and the co-op paid him $65.00 each time. Now back to me because my arms are not strong enough I did not do the weeding with the gas weed eater but I did mow all of the common area and I charged $40.00 a complete mow, I have done this for the last three years and now the co-op has decided not to pay me after this years contract is up, they want me to train three people to help do the mowing so they don't have to pay me. I feel like I have been slapped in the face and basically told I am unworthy of a lousy $40.00 dollars a mow, that all the hard work I have put into it for all these years making sure to have the grounds looking the best, going out to mow with heatstroke late in the day just to not get behind in the work means shit. They say that no one will get paid anymore for the work around the co-op that it all has to be volunteered because that is part of living in a co-op and I am not saying I don't agree with that but mowing is not the only job that I do extra for the co-op, every spring I prune 5 plumb tree's all my own, I also every spring take all the garden equipement out of the shed and prepare everything for the members to use and make sure everything is neat and tidy. We have some cherry tree's that always have a bunch of suckers that spring up every year and I alone go and cut all these down and clean it all up, this year I have been having some health issues so I asked for help to clear out the suckers, I waited two and half weeks for someone to go and do some of the work and no one did shit, so I had to go and cut it all down myself so the neighbors on the other side of the fence would stop complaining to me, I also clean up the berm area along our main road every year mostly to make it easier for me to get around the tree's and don't have to duck under branches when I mow and all this I do by myself every year and it means shit. So I have retired from it all I will no longer be clearing up anything and after I show the other three people how to drive the mower I will be quiting that also, I am done with not being valued as a person. The money I made from mowing the season which adds up to $300.00 a season I have never charged more than that, I used to help with extra grocery's, pet food and gives me a little money to spend at the dollar store, now that won't be happening and I am so damn hurt about it I haven't been able to stop crying all day. I will get passed this I know I will it will just take some time but next spring when all this extra work is not getting done by me I can't wait to see and hear them all complain and I am going to shove it right back into there faces. My home was always a place I felt proud to live at and now it's just a place I have to live at cause we can't afford to move

Back to Day One

2018-05-29T00:06:00.001-07:00

It has been awhile I know I just haven't felt like writing been in a funk for a bit but hoping I am coming out of it. The summer is here and I have been sick with heatstroke 3 times already, makes me so frustrated because I feel so good out in the sun but every year I get sick because I stay out to long and then I have to pay for it for a week, but let's hope I have learned my lesson for the rest of summer hahahahaha probably not. It's been a mix of emotions this spring for me, there is a very bad rabbit virus going around so I have had to keep my two boys in the house, I hate that they are inside but I am also to scared to take a chance with them going out. I phoned my vet to see if they will bring in the vaccine for them and they won't, so if I want them to have the shot I have to take them to the other vet and they will charge me about $250.00 because they both have to have a health check first, well I can't afford to pay that so for the time being they will stay in the house, I did make them a big playpen that they like and I am in the process of putting another floor. We had a couple losses my female dove passed away and the next day my last finch also passed, I had moved the doves outside for the summer and after she passed my two boy doves stopped cooing, after 3 days of not hearing them I took them back into the house to be with the rabbit's and my lovebird and by the next afternoon they started to sing again so I guess they didn't want to be out there alone, usually the rabbit's are with them, so everyone is in the house and so far it's fine I let them all out almost every day as long as the cat is not in the room. I have started to take apart the outside barn I have decided to make it smaller and move it to the back of the yard so I can put in a garden were the barn is right now, they don't need such a huge cage anymore with just the two of them plus they have the run of the yard all day, that is if they get to even go out at all this year. tomorrow I will take some pictures of the process, I have already took all the toy's and bowls and bins out and removed the tarp from the roof so tomorrow I will be removing the floor and the roof, then I have to cut the boards and move the front back about half the size and then move the cage and put the roof and floor back in, that is going to be a big job for sure. Well it is midnight and I need to get some sleep so I can get to work early in the morning, I will try and post the pictures tomorrow....

Such is life

2018-04-30T10:23:00.004-07:00

Hello long time no see, I have been so busy lol okay I have been not so busy just been hard to think let alone write but the sun is out and I am starting to feel better, mood is getting lighter and I can't be happier. This weekend was our Co-op's spring cleanup, I am so sore it's not even funny, spent 6 1/2 hours doing yard work on sat and will take me 3-4 days to get over it, my poor hands are so swollen I can hardly use them, good thing I only use three fingers to type hahahahaha. I worked on my garden for three days the week before it is looking great but man did I over do it, I still have more to do but thank goodness it is raining for the next few days so I can take a break. We had a wonderful visit with my brother and sister inlaw the other day, they came with a van full of stuff for me to have so much clothes again I am still going through it all, they spoil me so much I am so grateful for everything they do for us, hubby even got some shirts and shorts and a couple really nice jackets. Most of the rest is stuff to pass on to others and a lot I will use for sure, some very beautiful garden angels that hubby won't let me put out he want's them to get cleaned and put on our shelf in the house so they don't get wrecked. Every day I go through a pile and sort and put where it belongs it's like Christmas in April lol. Well this is about all I can type today hands are getting sore but think I will be back writing more again I have missed it and now that I am having more good days then bad I will have something to write, hope all is well with you......✋✋✋

Damn Snow

2018-02-23T18:18:00.000-08:00

I am so fricken mad, it's still snowing, to be honest I know there is so much more to come before the end of this season but as hard as I try everytime it stars up again all I can do is cry. This winter has been not bad really my moods have stayed fairly good oh sure had some nad days but managed to pick myself up again but I am at my wits end I think, I am trying really I am, pushing and pushing through till spring but today I had enough and my temper got the best of me. The stupid thing is I can look out my back door and it looks so pretty and wonderful and then if I look out my front door I hate it cause that is were our car is, the driveway and the main road and it just makes me feel so angry because it means I am stuck at home in the house again till it clears up and I am so sick of not being able to drive even to the dollar store lol. Tonight I am sitting here watching a show and had to turn it all off cause I don't feel like enjoying myself when all I want to do is get out in my yard, clean it up, get ready for the spring but then it goes and snows more. Tomorrow I am going to see if I can start to declutter my office and get rid of some stuff, maybe if I pretend that spring is coming I will keep my moods going but it's going to take a lot to fool myself cause I can feel myself already seeping down into a bad mood but tomorrow is another day as they say, I just keep saying to myself, just one more month just hang on for another month, I know I will get through it, I have no choice, but sure would be nice if winter said goodbye till next winter. I think what is making it hard now is all the animals want out, they are sick of being in the house also, so I feel bad for them, so darn it bring on the spring it couldn't come fast enough for all of us.....

It's Friday lol

2018-02-02T14:25:00.002-08:00

Hello worldit is Friday which means nothing to me hahahahahaha, I am feeling better today had a very bad time of it the last 3 days because my body seems to think that I don't need blood and iron lol I tell ya I can not wait till I am over this period shit, every 3 months is a bad one that kicks me on my ass and takes me 3 days to get over, in a way it's okay cause I get to kick back and just sleep and relax but would be much better if it wasn't with horrible cramps and so much blood damn it lol, oh well what can you do but keep trucking on. So our new cat has taken over the house completely she is crazy at least 3 times a day she goes batty and chases every shadow she can find, it's funny as heck till about 3am when she decides that it is play time and I want to sleep. Today I was going to go to the dollar store but I think I will wait another day to recover plus I don't have much money right now, so that sucks, can't wait to do income tax again, sure hope the stupid disability tax is fixed for this year, I swear it has taken them about 7 months to give me an answer, first they want more info and now it is being processed again, at least if it goes through I can back track for the last year and add to this one. I have some idea's for today I want to get everyone ready to move back outside soon, so getting there extra food and stuff moved back down stairs to move outside, this winter worked out so much better for me because I put shavings on the bottom then a deep layer of paper and more shavings on top and had no smell at all, I need to look and see if I can find some straw for the spring and some hay, not going to get the same hay again they don't like it because it is to ridged and thick, so still have a bit of hay left but think I will just use it as bedding or give to the deer. I am starting to want to spring clean again last year I got rid of loads of stuff and this year I am going to do the same cause I just don't need all this stuff laying around, I have a table and a couple chairs I am going to put in the carport again this year, makes it so nice to be able to sit out there in the evening, I have a bench also now but might move that to my back yard, will see. I have a huge amount of stuff to move off the porch to take to the dump, not sure yet how I am going to do that might have to pay my neighbor to help me with his truck, still waiting for the rabbit hutch to show up, hope she hasn't changed her mind cause I think it will be a great play area for Cali to go in so she can be outside and also be safe, I have to get some more wood to add to the run and more wire so think I will get that with income tax good thing we can do ours early this year cause I can't wait to get started on it. I have a few plans in mind for a herb garden, I got these folding doors given to me and I want to make them into a room divider and then attach baskets to them and put herbs just not sure if it will work or if I should just get rid of them all, I did get a few new doors for our place also that I need to hang and replace the ones that are broken and have holes, so that is my first project for spring as soon as I get the other crap out of the way in the porch so I can bring them out. I am thinking of making a special door for the animal room also so that it will keep the cat out of the room but still give them more air movement, I figure I will cut a hole in one door and put wire across and put the part I cut out on hinges so if they get to noisy I can still close the door off part of the day, well that is the plan will see how it actually goes, I am going to build something or use my big shelves to move my love bird and finch up high in the room for the summer so it won't matter if she goes in there she won't be able to get to them, I may even just put some shelves on the wall and put them up that way, I have the wood and actually that sounds like a good idea I could also hang them from the ceiling, I'm not sure as of yet what will work the best, as soon as the rabbit's and doves are back outside I can figure it out. This time of the year I get so excited but I am not moving them out till I am sure the weather is going to be good cause I don't want to put plastic around the barn again such a pain in the butt. I am really thinking about taking down the big barn and making it smaller or giving it away to the sanctuary to use if she want's it, with just having the 2 rabbit's now I don't need such a big space for them plus they run the yard most of the time, would be nice to have a bit more of my yard again we will see just how much energy and what I can afford to do, if I can find a free shed again that would be perfect, I can move it to the back of my yard again and then have the big area to put my veg garden in. So big plans to think about might have to sit down and make a plan up so I don't over do it cause I am not as young anymore and not as easy to build all this stuff anymore lol, bring on the spring cause I can't wait.....

I think I am okay

2018-01-26T21:32:00.000-08:00

Hey all sorry I have been away for so long, I wish it was because of some exciting news but no, I am doing everything I can to get through this winter but today I had a bit of a break down that I have been expecting for a week now. I am not sleeping at night but I can sleep all day no problem,So I know a lot of my problem is lack of sleep, but a few things have piled on just to add to the list, we had a fire where I live and because of that the insurance is putting a new roof on our building, in the middle of winter they are putting a roof on so I have nowhere I can go to get away from the noise because I am unable to leave the house right now,wasn't so bad last week because they wern't working above me but the next few days will be replacing our side, so I have been stressed out about that plus today the electioneer came through to inspect our breaker and power lines, very nice guy's but because I am having a hard time right now it really pushed me over the edge. Hubby is having a hard time at work right now also so that is added stress, it's just been a hard day and I am so glad it is over I just hope I can get to sleep. Cali our new cat is doing very well, she is attached to my hubby's hip it's so cute she just adores him and has got him wrapped already. Every critter is ready to go back outside they have had enough of being in and I can't blame them but will be a while yet before they will go out to the barn. Well I am going to stop there because I am actually very tired after all the panic attacks and tremors it's been a long day, let's hope tomorrow I can get back on track cause I miss writing....

Happy New year

2018-01-01T13:45:00.001-08:00

🎇 Happy New Year Everyone

Well I didn't manage to stay awake of course but I woke back up at 12:30 so I kind of made it lol. Not a big deal to me hubby had to work all this holiday we didn't have Xmas again I didn't even decorate I just wasn't in the mood for anything, oh well maybe next year but I doubt it haven't had Xmas for about 6 years now well we do get some gifts given to us but we haven't spent money on each other for years, we wait till the income tax comes and then we get to buy our gifts, and this year will be the year I finally get a new computer and I can't wait, that is the first thing on the list for us and I am not passing it up another year that is for sure. Our cat had more fun lat night then anyone she was playing hard till about 1 am then she finally laid down and slept for a bit till round two started. Everyone else the rabbit's and birds slept through it the party poopers hahahahaha. I had a long chat with my brother on the phone that was great he was in a good mood and we chatted a long time, nice to catch up with everything. Today is cleaning day I am getting a late start of it my plan is to fix the animals door so it can be open to get air through but so the cat can't get into the room, not sure how I am going to do that as of yet, I have an older door I might just cut the top off of it will see when I get outside if I can figure it out, I will have to cut it by hand cause my table saw is all packed away for the winter. I really need to cut my hair also but not sure I feel up to doing that today, I had my hubby cut about three inches off a couple months ago and it is right back to were it was again and I hate catching it on everything but I am planing on getting a perm and streaks done soon this will probably be the last perm I will ever have because I will be cutting it short again, will see I may just get it cut and streaked if I can have a good cut my waves will kick in, pretty sure I will have to cut the length off cause I am getting to old for long hair lol. Well I better start my day going, I want to go to the dollar store but I am sure it will be closed today so maybe tomorrow, GST comes soon so I can get caught up on all the animal feed for the next three months that always makes me feel good, well I don't need bird feed I have enough of that for probably another six to eight months so I can take there money and hit the dollar store lol, that's my excitement for the year lol.

Early Christmas Present

2017-12-18T17:04:00.001-08:00

Okay I have a retraction to write, after our last cat T.T. passed away from cancer I said that we would never have a cat again, for more then one reason, expense, vet bills, and litter box. Well guess what we got for Xmas

Her name is Cali, she is a Mexican cat lol well to say she came from Mexico, you see a friend of mine who comes home for summer and spends her winters at Mexico came home with her on her last trip and she asked if we would like to keep her because she didn't want to make her travel back if she didn't have to and of course after meeting her and having her come for a day visit to see how she does here we decided to add her to our family. M was a bit worried about her bonding with my hubby, I think it went well considering she slept with him on the floor for a nap the next day, she follows him around as well as me and talks and talks and talks lol. I have to say I am very happy to have her with us, I forgot what it is like to have a cat around, I have to learn all this stuff again like how to walk so I don't step on her, hid my treats so she can't chew on the bags, find a place for the litter so it is not in the hallway, there is nothing worse then getting out of a shower and walking across a littered floor, yuck, but most of all I forgot what it is like to have a kitten, she is only a year and her play time is at 3am, hubby sleeps through her stomping around and chasing her toys I have no idea how. Oh and of course there is the fact that she can get to places that I didn't think she would, like the top of my office wall, there is about a two feet gap from wall to ceiling and she managed to jump up there, her favorite spot is above the closet lol I don't mind keeps her busy and off my key board. I haven't let her meet the birds or the rabbit's as of yet, think we will put that off for as long as I can, so far she sits outside the door and just listens but I think she will be very excited to see the birds. She is an indoor cat but next summer I think I will let her in the back yard if I am there to watch. As for the rest of what is going on here, I am struggling with my anxiety but seem to have more good days then bad so very happy about that. We still don't have any snow it tried but didn't last, was hoping to have a white Xmas, sure hope it snows soon or we will not have any water for our gardens next summer plus we need it to get cold to kill off the bugs, I have put it out to the universe and mother nature to get off there butt's so we will see, even if it just stays for a couple weeks that would be great, will keep my fingers crossed.....