Some Sort Of A Chaotic Clarity

The Season's Change Was A Conduit

2011-08-07T17:37:00.001-04:00

I feel like every summer I tend to look back and say that it was the best of my life, and I guess this is no different. There are a lot of reasons for why I can say this, and because I have seen few people this summer, I decided to expound upon them on the internet graveyard that once was my blog. I suppose it still is my blog, but moving on from Some Sort of a Chaotic Clarity has been one of the best decisions I have made this year. "Why come back," you ask? Because some things are too good to not share.

I was laying on the heavenly blue pool raft this afternoon, floating from one side of the pool to another. My neighborhood doesn't offer much by means of a beautiful view- some rusty fences, some above ground pools, a foreseeable amount of hillbillies' mud-covered trucks and recently raced stock cars. All of these components usually lead me to close my eyes on my blue raft and listen to the radio. Not surprisingly, I've spent a lot of afternoons in this spot. Equally as unsurprising is the fact that these afternoons on my raft are where I have done some of my best thinking. The summer is almost over, and when I think back to how this season began, I can't believe how happy I am to have changed so much. Here's what I realized today:

My summer has been dedicated to furious workouts and an outrageous amount of time by the pool. I did P90x Cardio X in my living room and always managed to get dog hair on me when I did those damn dreya rolls. I started eating better and made a recipe of cashew cheese that, surprisingly, was not disgusting. I've learned how to drive my new, beautiful 5-speed car- I only stall out once or twice every time I take the thing out, now- that's right, I'm getting there! I worked the best job I have ever had, 18 hours a day for six weeks. I've met new people, kissed boys, and got cigarette smoke blown into my face at the Richmond International Airport. I've gotten tan and guiltlessly eaten a lot of ice cream. I drank green tea every day and took my vitamins, and almost never forgot to wear my glasses when I drove. I started teaching myself how to play guitar, I stopped picking my nails (kind of), went to sunsets at the lighthouse with friends, and definitively realized that the only way to be radiant is to do things that make me happy.

When this summer started, I was coming off of a breakup that affected me more than it should have. I spent the first half outrageously busy and the second half outrageously bored. I ended it with a visit to Virginia and topped it off with my beautiful cousin's wedding; the day after that, I said goodbye to my teens forever. I am happy, and I can say that with confidence. I feel excited to leave this summer behind me, to head back to school, and to start everything over. I'm done with a breakup that hurt me for too long, with the scars of a night last summer that went wrong fast, and with the haunting emails of a father who told me I was not worth the effort. I'm moving on from everything, and starting my 20's the way I should: happy, content, on my own, realizing my dreams, and surrounded by countless incredible people.

I'm not sure if I'm putting this website to rest for good quite yet, but if I do after this, It feels great ending it on such a high note.

My Summer Playlist:
Take Me Home, Country Roads - John Denver
Good Life - OneRepublic
Colder Weather - Zac Brown Band
Battery Kinzie - Fleet Foxes
Cinema (Skillrex Remix) - Benny Benassi & Gary Go
Skip the Charades - Cold War Kids
Faster - Matt Nathanson
Misery (Acoustic) - Maroon 5
In Your Atmosphere - John Mayer
Every Teardrop is a Waterfall - Coldplay
Fearless - T. Swizzzzzle
Give a Little - Hanson
Will Work For Love - Usher

Those people have long since gone; my Father never failed

2011-06-19T15:28:00.002-04:00

I'm back. I hope it's because I have to say something that is important.

Father's day is hard for me. It's hard for a lot of people I know, so if you are anticipating something original, look elsewhere. If you are searching for something honest, please continue to read.

When I was thirteen years old, my father moved far away.
He visited me when it was convenient.
He told me I was the most important thing in the world to him,
and I still like to believe that I am.
I believe my father still loves me.
When he told me I didn't deserve a place in his life anymore,
I was crushed.
When he said it was because I hurt him, because I made the mistakes, because I was being selfish,
I was devastated.

That happened when I was fifteen. This summer I will turn twenty years old.

No matter how often I hear that the reasons my father left me are his own, that I did nothing wrong, that I deserve better than the way he treated me, there are always a few ounces at the pit of my stomach insisting that a little bit of it really is my fault. I could have called him back. I did not have to be so unkind in that last e-mail I sent him. I know my father is not the same man he was when I was a child, but there really is not any way to really articulate how painful it is to think about what happened between him and I. I don't think about it very often, but I do on Father's Day.

I am a follower of Christ. My father was one of the people who led me to a personal relationship with our Savior. He was an elder at our church, he used to pray with me before bed, he would tell me about cool magazines like Relevant and would talk about Blue Like Jazz with me. When my father told me I had no place in his life anymore, it was easy for me to turn to Christ and know that I do have a place in my Heavenly Father's arms.
For all of eternity.
I found refuge there.
To think about my path to Christ is a little overwhelming; my dad really does play a huge role in the development of my character, my spirit, my beliefs.

What I am beginning to realize is that I am in repair. I have been desperate for someone to come along and fix me, but that is just not how it works.

I keep post-it notes scattered about my life, all of them read: Philippians 4:13- I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

Today has been a tremendous opportunity for me to realize how relevant that verse is to my every thought and movement. In my life is a brother who would die for me without a second thought, a stepfather who cares for me more than I ever thought I deserved, countless uncles and other father figures who love me, and a Heavenly Father who died for me, who taught me how to love, who has never left my side.

So yes, Father's Day is rough. Overwhelming. Difficult.
But I am going to be just fine.

Adieu, adieu, to you and you and you.

2011-05-10T23:04:00.000-04:00

So, I think I need to stop this for a while.

I begun this blog with the hope that it would be a means of connecting with people. Writing has always been a vessel with which I can convey who I am and how I feel in hopes that perhaps my struggles and triumphs could help someone through their own.

I have lost sight of that. I feel like this website is becoming something it shouldn't. It should not be a place for me to vent about my breakups or my daddy issues, and that is what it has turned in to. And that is going to stop.

Letting this blog become an extension of who I am was a mistake. It's turning into a shortcut for people to get to know me without actually knowing or even meeting me. It's a shortcut for people who do know me to know how I am doing without making the effort to talk to me. No one has ever had to wonder what I've been up to, because their answer is simply a click away. I've always wanted for some validation that my father reads this and is proud of me, but the truth is that he probably doesn't, because he doesn't care.

I've grown to despise any form of social networking. My summer job requires me to have a facebook, but once that is over, I will most likely be getting rid of that as well.

From now on, if you are wondering how I am doing, please ask me yourself, because I'm starting a keep-to-myself policy that is holding true until I can figure things out.

Thanks to Some Sort of a Chaotic Clarity for helping me figure things out up until now, but after nearly five years, I'm taking a break from this blog for a while.

See you when I see you.

A deep sea diver swimming with a raincoat

2011-05-10T01:09:00.001-04:00

"I am who I am, and I'm pretty unapologetic about that" is something I've said.

Here's the thing:

This is what I look like right now.
Sometimes I wear makeup, usually I don't.
My hair can be curly, straight, frizzy, or wavy.
I have a widow's peak
and a boxy, short torso.
I care endlessly for the people I love,
and would do absolutely anything for them.
I'm self conscious,
but I know that most of it is inside my head,
so I keep quiet about it.
I pick my toenails and fingernails when I'm
stressed,
anxious,
or excited.
I am a perfectionist
and a neat-freak,
but I'm also lazy
and should try harder with school.
My complexion is far from perfect.
I wish I were thinner.
I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I absolutely, unabashedly love to read and do my nails.
I desperately crave affection,
but I've been without it for long enough
that I can do just fine without it.
I've been hurt in the past,
and it's screwed me up a lot.
I have bags under my eyes
no matter how much sleep I get.
If timed perfectly,
I can cry over just about anything.

I am far, far, far from perfect,
but I am learning to embrace my flaws.

This is who I am, and I am okay with it.

Just to watch me break

2011-05-09T00:03:00.000-04:00

I really want for things to be okay,

and it feels
like they
never
will
be.

You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say

2011-05-07T21:20:00.002-04:00

If one song could perfectly describe my life right now.

I can't help it baby, this is who I am

Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel

You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break

I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away.

In fact, I'll feel a whole lot better

2011-05-06T23:01:00.000-04:00

Well, I'm home.

I just looked through one of my journals I've kept here all year, and I found this. I think it shows a lot about who I am today but also proves how much I've grown as a writer. I use words to grow and learn, and looking back, I'm so happy that I do. I probably wrote this sometime around freshman or sophomore year, and I know for a fact that it is not written to or about anybody I knew at the time. I went through a phase where I would write letters to people I hoped I would one day meet. To the love of my life, who is somewhere out there (I hope...), this is what the fifteen-year-old me had to say to you.

"Hi, I'm Taylor. Tell me your stories. I want to hear them all. I want to see you cry and laugh and smile and scream. I want to see you pissed off, and then instead of throwing a plate at a wall, I want for you to step back and laugh at yourself. I want you to make me happier than I thought I was capable of being, happier than I deserve, just so I know what it's like. I want my definition of "home" to be where you are. I want you to want me more than anything. I want you to be vulnerable, so I know I'm not the only one. I want you to walk me to a remote beach and when the moonshine ignites the cattails and the water stays calm, I want you to whisper something beautiful and clever to me.

I want for you to kiss me.

Not lame though, and not like in a made-for-tv movie. And I want it to be when I don't have metal cemented to my teeth.

You're under my skin; are you happy?
Kick and scream all you want, it's the truth."

In the wake of a recent break up and some other rough things that have happened in the past year, this was the best reminder that my life is not meant to be one lived in fear or desperation or anticipation. The fact of the matter is, I'm a hopeless romantic, but I'm far too independent to wait around or be depressed over things I have no control over.
I should be happy, and I am.
I should be with someone who wants to make me happier, and I will be.
Eventually.

This will be a good summer.

It's not too late to feel a little more alive.

2011-05-03T00:26:00.002-04:00

The mere thought that I am currently studying for the final exams that will complete my first year of college is difficult to grasp; to even begin considering the changes that have happened in the last year is, for lack of a better word, simply overwhelming. Sure, high school graduation and the start of college are significant changes. But the lessons and memories that all of these changes brought to me are the ones that matter, the ones that made me the girl who is sitting in 306 Havighurst Hall right now.

I've learned how important my family is to me. In their absence, the realization has come to me that there is absolutely no replacement for the wonderful people I'm so blessed to call family. To say that I've desperately missed my parents, brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, and cousins is a hideous understatement. I go no more than 12 hours without speaking with my mother, and I talk to my big brother at least two or three times a week. Being so far from everyone has made me appreciate the time I have with them even more. To the wonderful family that has opened their home up to me all year for any weekend when I need a glass of wine and a home-cooked meal, I can not even begin to express my gratitude for how you have made me a part of your family. Without any reservation, I consider you part of my family as well and am so glad that I will have you guys throughout my college experience and the rest of my life. I think the benefits of going away to school far outweigh the disadvantages; I am hundreds of times more thankful for the love and support of every single one of my family members.

I've learned that the friends that college has brought me are absolutely indispensable, and that the friends from my childhood will never leave me. I know that some of my girlfriends here at Miami will be my bridesmaids. From every single person with whom I have crossed paths I have learned something new. Some have taught me about compassion, about selflessness, about love. Never in a million years did I ever consider that I hit the friend lottery like this, but I really have. I do not thank any of my friends nearly enough for all they do for me. To my friends from home: thank you for making me the person I am. I've grown up with you all, and all of you will always be a part of who I am. To my friends from school: you have become my family here. I cry to you, laugh with you, and have created some of the best memories of my life thus far with you. I love all of you so terribly much.

I’ve learned how difficult it is to understand that someone I’m desperately crazy for no longer reciprocates the affection. And after the initial hurt, followed by anger, I just realized that things happen for a reason and I’ve something to learn from all of this. Perhaps I could have handled things differently, and if I could take back some things that I said on this website, I probably would. But my ultimate goal for this website is honesty, and it would be a lie for me to remove something that was, at the time, exactly how I felt. From this experience, I have grown so much, and I've allowed myself to realize that I am worth far more than a half-hearted attempt at a relationship. Without a doubt, this could have been one of the most valuable lessons I have from this year: never ignore an opportunity to learn about yourself.

I've learned that I was created to love and be compassionate. Perhaps it's just me, but I feel like my love for my friends and family is always bursting at the seams. I'm so overwhelmingly thankful for those in my life who have made an impact. To all of the friends and family to whom I referred above, thank you. I love you all. Words come up short when I try to explain how grateful I am for those whom I love, but the honest truth is that you all are amazing.

When I think about freshman year of college, I will think about the brita pitcher night, strobes and probes, and the highliter party. The Rubber Duck Regatta, the Chewy bars sent from Jesus, accidentally going to kickboxing class in my saggy boob sports bra, and saying words like "numb" and "puke" with Katherine until they no longer sound like words anymore. I will think about writing my name on the greenhouse with Ryan at 2:30 in the morning and going to the random Phi Delt party with Gracie. I will remember the time Steph sat on a push pin and I'll remember listening to classical piano music and playing tetris with Katherine until 5 in the morning the night before I had a paper due. I'll also never forget our creepy hand and back massages, because, let's be honest, how could I? In twenty years when I look back to this year, I'll think about coming in 4th place at the Southern Intercollegiate Rowing Association Championships, which led my boat to be ranked 8th nationally at the end of the Spring 2011 season. However fortunate or unfortunate, I will not soon forget the time I fell asleep next to Willy and could not bring myself to think of anything but the fact that I was, for the first time in years, simply happy; I felt safe. I'll remember taking a Christmas picture in front of central quad, the conversations I've had with Ashley and Steph and Kath on every walk and jog we've ever taken, and the wonderful dinners Brian would cook for me just when I needed them. Every little memory has woven itself into the beautiful tapestry that has become one-quarter of my college career, and I will never let myself forget any of it.

So here I sit, three exams, one paper, and four days away from officially saying goodbye to the best year of my life. I earnestly look forward to what this summer and next year have to offer for me, but bidding adieu to this year will not be an easy task. To those who have been a part of my life this year, I owe you all more than anyone will ever realize. Thank you for the lessons you all have taught and will continue to teach me. Next year when I look back upon this summer and my sophomore year, I am excited to find out who I'll be and what you all will have taught me. Until then, please never forget how valuable all of you are; I'm thrilled to see what the future has in store for all of us.

Tómame como soy

2011-05-01T01:55:00.002-04:00

I may not be too terribly fond of pop music, or Shakira, for that matter, but this song is one of my favorites. I may have watched the video for the first time (and second, and seventeenth...) to see Rafael Nadal's hot body, but amid my obsession for all things Rafa, I realized how beautiful this song really is.
The end of this verse (I'll make it easy for all ya'll and bold it!) is one of my favorite sayings, EVER.

Mi destino es andar-
Mis recuerdos
Son una estela en el mar.
Lo que tengo, lo doy.
Digo lo que pienso,
Tómame como soy.
-------------------------------
My destiny is to wander-
My memories
are a trail in the sea.
What I have, I give.
I say what I think,
Take me as I am.

Sing me sweet, say you'll never let me go.

2011-04-29T03:19:00.000-04:00

I hate thinking about the end of the world.

I hate it

I hate it

I hate it.

Sing the streets a serenade

2011-04-28T02:20:00.000-04:00

The beginning of a list of things I often forget to consider when counting my blessings.

1. My big brother's night shift.
Walking home from the library at 4 in the morning, crying at 2 in the morning, bored at midnight- all of these scenarios have brought about a phone call to my brother. I know that, especially because of the current outage and heightened security at the nuclear power plant for which he is a security guard, between the hours of 5 pm and 6 am, my big brother is always awake. While I desperately want another job to come his way so that he can be happier with his employment, I, selfishly and admittedly, love the dependability that comes with his current job. Right now I know that he's probably sitting in a guard tower, and I have no doubt that if I picked up the phone, he'd be willing to talk for hours.

2. Thunderstorms.
I've seen more thunderstorms this month than I have in any other month of my life. In fact, it's storming right now. I woke up this morning to a university text message alert about funnel clouds being spotted in the county my school is in. Presently, the window is open and the wind is blowing everything in my room around in a sufficiently vicious manner. To be honest, I don't think I'll ever see a thunderstorm again without thinking of this spring. So many things in my life have changed, and so much of it has been marked by intense thunder, lightning, wind, and rain. I think the beautiful thing about extreme weather is that, whether or not we are conscious of it, it reminds us that life is unpredictable and oftentimes the decisions we are forced to make are ones outside of our control. I've learned a lot about myself lately, and the thunderstorms I have to thank for that.

Chase off that clumsy artifice

2011-04-27T01:35:00.001-04:00

Duende (Spanish) -
The mysterious power that a work of art has to deeply move a person. Transitioned from its initial purpose of describing a mythical, spritelike entity that possesses humans and creates the feeling of awe of one's surroundings in nature. The phrase "Tener duende" can be loosely translated as "to have soul."
Federico García Lorca, who also wrote "La casa de berndarda alba," the first Spanish play I ever read, once said "The great artists of Southern Spain, Gypsy or flamenco, singers dancers, musicians, know that emotion is impossible without the arrival of the duende. They might deceive people into thinking they can communicate the sense of duende without possessing it, as authors, painters, and literary fashion-makers deceive us every day, without possessing duende: but we only have to attend a little, and not be full of indifference, to discover the fraud, and chase off that clumsy artifice."

You learn something new every day.

Liberated!

2011-04-26T12:32:00.001-04:00

Call me cliché, but I feel liberated. My aunt and uncle (also my godparents) sent me the best care package I've ever received. Ever. It's contents? A card, some cash, some easter socks, some candy, and a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You." I finally confronted everything I've been feeling, and I've finally realized how much better I deserve than the way my ex boyfriend treated me. Had I read this book before we started dating, I probably would have ended things over a month ago. Without reservation, I believe every single woman should read this book. Honestly? Reading it sooner would have saved me a lot of heartache and depressing writing. To say the past few months have been a learning experience is such a hideous understatement. I realized how horrible my relationship was, how much better I deserve, and how glad I am that I didn't continue on with such an unhealthy relationship, especially since I have no clue how unhealthy it really was. Here are some of the quotes that have, to be honest, hit me upside the head with their brutal honesty:

"No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing."

"The word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes"

"He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great."

"He will always be able to play the "friend" card on you. He only has to be responsible for the expectations of a friend, rather than the the far greater expectations of a boyfriend. He's got the ultimate situation: a great friend with all the benefits of a girlfriend, whom he can see or not see whenever he wants to. He may be one of your closest friends, but I'm sorry to say ... as a boyfriend, he's just not that into you."

"It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to."

"He is a man made up entirely of your excuses. And the minute you stop making excuses for him, he will completely disappear from your life."

To be honest, I guess I did make some mistakes. I only let myself listen to the voice in my head telling me that he cared about me, he was just busy. He had a lot on his plate. As much as I thought I didn't make excuses for him, clearly, CLEARLY I did. Live and learn, my friends. Live and learn.
At least I only wasted five days being miserable over him. Good thing I'm done with that... Now I can enjoy the last week and a half of my freshman year of college.

So there you have it. The saga of breakup blogs is over. I've come to my senses. Finally, I really, actually realized that I really was foolish for falling for you. You really were never that into me. Yeah, it sucks. But at least I didn't waste any more of my time with you.

Don't waste the pretty

2011-04-26T00:07:00.000-04:00

“Move on, sister! Cut your losses and don’t waste your time. Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don’t want to hear it? Fine. Here’s the answer you’re looking for: ‘Hang in there, baby. He’s not the loser everybody’s telling you he is. If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!’ But please don’t be surprised when he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship…Don’t waste the pretty!”

I just died laughing.
Everything and nothing I wanted to hear, but already knew.

And you don't have to live this way anymore

2011-04-25T14:26:00.000-04:00

Nikon L120... You will be mine. May 30.
I can not wait.

No hope, no love, no glory.

2011-04-25T00:54:00.001-04:00

Do you all want to know the truth?
I feel no better than I did on Tuesday night when I realized that a relationship that meant so much to me meant nothing to the one who chose to end it. I feel just as worthless, disposable, and inconsolable now as I did then.
The difference? I've learned how to deal with it.
But there's only so many pedicures and self-improvement projects and phone conversations I can have. At least I'm eating again, and at least I haven't cried for a few days.

I'm confused, and I want answers.
But I'm learning to live without you,
even though I don't wish to,
because it's clearly what you wanted.

It was always about what you wanted, though,
so I guess it makes sense that this is how it ends.

I do hope you are happy.
I also kind of sometimes hope a grand piano would fall from the sky and directly onto you.
You do kind of deserve it.

I'll call you Ohio, from a song I once heard sung

2011-04-24T19:48:00.000-04:00

Plans for Summer 2011:
(decided at 3 in the morning last night during a torturous bout of insomnia)
Be happy
Control your attitude
Learn to play guitar on Kyle's Martin
Learn to drive your new stankin' car
Stop picking your nails
Erg, even if it sucks
Take care of your hair
Moisturize daily
Sleep
Study
Use fiscal planning binder
Look fabulous for Marlo's wedding
Drink water
Never dismiss an opportunity to learn about yourself
Eat well
Wear your retainers
Keep face clear
Dress fabulously
Clean
Listen to and find new music
Strengthen friendships
Smile
Start thinking about internships for summer 2012
Grow your hair out as long as can be
Be yourself
Read
Stop caring about other's perceptions of you
Be radiant
Get better every day
Be tan
Jog
Try new things
Find beauty in everything
Drink iced lattes
Never neglect the beauty of nature
Don't be afraid to fall in love, ever
Don't be quick to trust, either
Love every moment of every day
Dance
Walk on the beach
Enjoy being single
Take everything one day at a time
Soak up every moment of your youth
Shop at thrift stores
Wear new things
Keep nails painted and pretty
Write everything
Get prescription polarized sunglasses
Find happiness in every area of your life
Get a new journal
Start spoiling your nephew
Spend every waking second you can with your family
Live freely
Giver everyone and everything a chance
Wear sunscreen
Find something new that makes you happy
Never waste a sunny day
Savor rainy days
Buy a new purse
Keep calm; carry on
Do pilates
Shop
Spend money wisely

Musica del momento:
1. Cosmic Love- Florence and the Machine
2. Happy Ending- Mika
3. Ohio- Peter Bradley Adams
4. Dreams- Fleetwood Mac
5. Till the World Ends- Britney Spears

I just painted my toenails pink and my fingernails red. I spent a lot of this Easter alone in my dorm room, but I needed it. I'm starting to figure things out. I cleaned my room and packed up things not deemed necessities. I am ready for the summer.
Thank you, freshman year, for all of the memories.
I learned so much more about myself from you.
But I'm ready to let you go.

Two weeks from now and I will be home.

Then live the rest of our lives, but not together.

2011-04-22T23:36:00.001-04:00

Walking home in the rain tonight,
I gripped my umbrella
as if I were a young girl
with ribboned pigtails
and a cherry popsicle
grasping
the feeble string attached to her helium-filled balloon.

and when a gust of wind swept underneath my shelter
I thought
I wouldn't quite mind
if it picked me up
and blew me
away
for just awhile.

May the weight of world resign.

2011-04-22T01:00:00.001-04:00

I should be writing a speech right now, but instead, I'm pleasantly sitting in my filthy room listening to lovely music and thinking about contentment.

I couldn't avoid my first heartbreak forever, and regardless of whether or not it's over for good, it happened for a reason. I have plenty to learn about myself from these past few days, and while I refuse to dwell on the hurt, I will be honest when I am asked, "are you okay?"

No, no I am not.

However, I know that I will be just fine.
Time heals all wounds and
life does not stop for anyone.
While one person may have taken so much from me, all I must do to find affirmation is turn my attention towards the countless others who have reminded me that their love is also prevalent in my life. Mother, brother and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins, friends. The nephew we are blessed to welcome to the world in just a few months.

It feels, right now, like nothing can fill this inconsolable void.
But that doesn't mean I won't try.
I am

far
too
loved

to ever justify the despondency
I've felt these past few weeks.

I am allowed to be sad, and I will let myself.
It's not supposed to be easy.
I am allowed to cry, and I will let myself.
It's supposed to hurt.
And
it
does.

Often over these past few days I've wondered if the things that remind me of you remind you of me.
I have thoughtlessly been reminded by friends with good intentions that no one had ever seen me so euphoric as I was when you were with me.

It surely makes sense that if you were so capable of making me happy,

of course you could also make me so terribly woebegone.

So here, I am silently inquiring.
If you miss me
or think about me.

I've grown to hate red hats and spearmint gum and checking the weather.
But I hope you know,
as angry as I am,
that I am glad you ended us.
I will be better because of this.

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes.

2011-04-20T03:22:00.001-04:00

I will probably regret posting this.
This stupid website has always been where I write so that I can grow as a person. Tonight was too beautiful and miserable to not write and share.
I don't have much to lose at this point, anyways.

The lightning outside of my window is more consistent than the darkness. It’s a story, and it’s narrated by tornado sirens and thunder and unconcealed sobs. My eyes are red and bloodshot and puffy. Ostentatiously the blank white flash of fear and terror sparks, screaming at me that it’s not that bad, that it could be worse, that

I am stupid for

falling

for

you.

I am miserable and, even if I so desired, there is no possible way I can hide it. I cannot ignore it. I hate how happy I let myself feel when we were with one another. It was so easy with you. Losing every worry and fear I ever had was an effortless task when your embrace encapsulated me and all of my insecurities. I have never felt safer. I could have never imagined that I could ever feel as if I belonged more in someone’s arms than I do in yours. The mere thought that I will never feel that again makes me sick to my stomach. It makes my mascara run more quickly down my face. It makes the thunder outside my window boom louder and it makes the lightning, blindingly, gleam brighter.

This is the kind of storm I would have loved to fall asleep with you to. I am reminded that we both love to fall asleep to the sound of rain and I cannot help but wonder if you are laying in your bed hearing the same rain I am. Can you sleep? Are you happy? Relieved? Because I am not. I am angry. You were never fully honest with me. You have changed and the individual that used to care about me is now only after his own interests.

And you didn’t even have the integrity or sagacity to tell me that it was over. Even when I asked, you could not offer a definite “yes.” You asked one of my friends to hint to me that you just wanted to be friends. What a stupendous demonstration of character! Get your life figured out. I don’t want to see your sorry excuse of a face until you can man up and realize that your laziness, selfishness, and lack of willingness to do anything that made me happy are the reasons this relationship is over. I am not a chore, and if you didn’t want to work for us, then you did not deserve any of the last six weeks. I deserve to be treated like gold, and never placed on the backburner. You will never find a relationship that does not require work. Please understand that.

And after all of this, I still desperately want you to be who you used to be; this, however, is too much to ask. It hurts me to know that the man you were a month ago would have done anything to make sure I never felt this way (funny that you’re now the one who caused it). It’s just not like that, though. If it were, I would not be lying alone at three in the morning watching lightning turn my room into daylight, and then night again. In this thunderstorm with such determined lightning and tenacious rainfall, all I want is to feel your lips kiss my forehead and hear you tell me that everything will be alright. I want to curl up next to you, our legs entangled, feeling your hand run from the top of my shoulder to the tips of my fingers, and feel marvelous and content and safe. I hope your bed begins to feel lonely without me in it.

Are you listening to the rain? Because I will fall asleep being lulled by this tornado warning, and I will be okay without you.

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out.

2011-04-15T01:09:00.001-04:00

I would apologize for the consistent posting of YouTube videos with each new blog, but I'm just not sorry at all, especially when this is my new favorite song.

I've been listening to it on repeat while packing for SIRA (that's right, my first regatta EVER is this weekend, and I'm so scared I could pee my pants... but that's another story) and something about it kind of struck me the fifth or sixth time I heard it. It sounds simple, but in my head, it feels so terribly profound.

We are all at different places in our lives right now.

At this very moment, someone is heartbroken.
Someone is falling in love.
Someone is lonely.
Someone is hurt.
Someone is angry.
Someone is hopeful.

Sometimes I get wrapped up in my own emotions that I forget the beauty of the fact that we are all feeling different things at the same time and we are all hurting and helping and hoping. I feel like that is a big part of the human condition: Our striking differences, similarities, unity.

All I want is to find an easier way.

2011-04-12T00:53:00.001-04:00

I don't know what my obsession with running away is all about,
but I would really enjoy hopping in a car and going home right now.
I'd get to my house by 6 am.
Perfect.
I miss my mom, and I miss my brother.
Honestly, I don't think I will get through this semester without at least one more mental breakdown. I'm stressed and I feel like no one gets it, or cares.

I keep telling myself that I've been awake since 5:30 this morning, that I've had two rowing practices, three classes, a shift of work, training for my summer job, and figuring out scheduling for next semester today. That I'm just exhausted and stressed and I just need sleep.

But that doesn't change that fact that I just want everything to all go away.
Or the fact that I have to wake up at 7:15 to schedule classes.
Or that my life is completely being overtaken by rowing until next week.

I just want to lay in bed all day, and hide.

We watch and wait, and do nothing but sigh.

2011-04-10T00:40:00.002-04:00

In doing some research for a paper I am writing about Plato's allegory of the cave, I came across this:

"Socrates left no writings of his own; to him, living was more important than recording for posterity. But Plato and others have written enough about him that we can reconstruct most of his life.
Socrates did not give speeches or write books. Instead, he asked people questions, their answers leading him to a new query. This allowed him to reveal holes in people's beliefs, which made him unpopular. His questioning in pursuit of knowledge became known as the Socratic Method.
Because of his questioning, Socrates was ultimately indicted for "corrupting the youth of Athens" and for impiety, and sentenced to death. He calmly accepted his fate; life was not as important to him as living truthfully, which, he argued, included abiding by the law of the city he lived in. So he drank hemlock (a poison) and continued discussing with his students even as he was dying."
-ALLEGORY OF THE CAVE. Literary Cavalcade, Oct2001, Vol. 54, Issue 2

I think there is a lot I can learn from the way Socrates chose to live. We place a lot of value upon our lives, and I think we have the tendency to forget to value actually living, which, consequently, is far more important.

Living truthfully is important to me. I expect it of myself,
and I expect it of the people with whom I am close.

Tonight has been one of those kind of miserable nights where I just desperately want to run away from my life. And I tried. I ran for an hour, and while therapeutic, the only thing I could understand for sure was that I can not run away. I'm beginning to feel suffocated by my decisions, but I can not lie; I love where I am in my life right now. I realize more and more every day how imperfect my life is, and how many mistakes I make, and despite all of that, the thing I notice most every day is how blessed I am. I have a best friend who came to my rescue, I have legs to run, I have a heart to love, and I know everything is going to be alright.

This has been one of my favorite songs by Joshua Radin for a while.
I listened to it on repeat when I was running, and
I'd be lying if I said it didn't make things better.

This has got to be the good life.

2011-03-31T01:17:00.000-04:00

Some days, not once do I think about you.
Others, I think about you a lot.
I know in that last email you told me you were not making any more efforts to be part of my life,
so, I may be naive, but I feel like this is the only way I could ever maybe have you hear me.
What would you say to me if you knew more about the woman I am becoming?
Would you be proud of me?
Do you care?
What are you doing right now?

Today, I thought a lot about these questions.

Even though it snowed today in Oxford, there are subtle promises of Springtime all around me, and everything about this makes me even happier than I already am. Yesterday we did eyes-closed rowing and I do not think I have ever been so relaxed, which is ironic, because I was pushing my body harder than I have in a very long time. While I was using every muscle in my legs to skyrocket my legs off the foot stretchers, all I could concentrate on were the click-click, click-click of the oars finding their places in the oar locks, and all I could feel was the boat gliding under me, pushing my seat forward as I pushed the oar into the pin. I thought about nothing, I had no cares, and I felt great. When our coxswain gave my boat the command to open our eyes, I was floored by the sunset that had painted itself across the sky while my eyes had been closed.
Suddenly, the sky was yellow and orange and red.
Suddenly, the clouds had scattered into thin wisps across the horizon.

Suddenly, everything was beautiful and okay.

To say that my life has changed in the past month is an immense understatement. This does a disservice to the wonderful changes that have happened. The child in me still wishes you were here to be happy for me. Here's the news. I met someone who has begun to prove to me that, even though I have been hurt, it doesn't always have to be that way. Love is not a secret I will always be kept from. I am saying this here because I have told him myself and because it's not at all a secret, but I'm really falling for him, Dad. I'm really happy, and I'm terrified, and I'm loving every single second of it. I wish things were different. I wish you were different. I wish I could tell you all about everything.

One of the last things that you told me was this:
"Life rarely turns out how we want, and the lessons learned are hard.
You feel that you can’t trust a man, and I hope you realize that there
are those in your life now that have not been worthy of your trust."

I know you never will
but I still hope you someday know
that is a blatant lie.

When You're Happy Like A Fool, Let it Take You Over

2011-03-20T18:28:00.000-04:00

It's impossible to be sad when you're listening to this song.

In other news, I feel like everything going on in my life is just too good to be true.