somecrazystory.

1.3

2011-06-18T08:04:00.000-07:00

With a strength of ten thousand Exploding Broccoli, the reindeer pack shot into the sky!

Plastic Rubber Ducky was left in tears, envying the ten reindeers' ability to fly.

Two reindeers lashed out their hind legs and coiled their tails to Rudolphus' front legs -- acting as the left and right arms. The skin of the two arm-deers flashed red very briefly, signalling that the Robotic Connection to the arm was complete.

The Two Arm-Deers

Two more lunged to each of Rudolphus' arms and used their front legs to cross-lock with the arm-deers' front legs. The lowerarm-deers were Connected successfully. Sparks came out of the cross-lock, alarming Rudolphus that the joints were working.

Rudolphus lashed out its new deer-arms and jabbed the air for flashy effect, like in those Robot Cartoons I used to watch as a kid. Not only that this exaggerates the strength of the Robot, it also encourages fitness and aesthetic, which is important to fight obesity in this day and age.

Two reindeers then lept into each other, and connected their two front hooves together, bottom-to-bottom. The reindeers' leg fur withdrew from their legs and binded the connected hooves, spiraling and covering the their legs from sight. They tumbled towards the left foot of Rudolphus, with the top reindeer coiling his tail into the feet of their leader. Two other reindeers did exactly the same thing, but on Rudolphus' right leg instead, preserving the symmetric properties of the Robotic Warrior.

Finally, the tenth reindeer stretched her legs as hard as she could. Her face revealed agony and pain, changing her facial color into bright green. She held her breath while doing so for maximum effectiveness, which increased her total body length twice as it was originally. However, she extensively held her breath to the point of death, and fainted.

Rudolphus manoeuvred his deer-legs to catch the dead reindeer. The thigh-deer's mouth breathe fire, propelling Rudolphus into the female reindeer's vicinity. He caught the body with the lower arm-deer's legs, where it magnetically Connected with the lower arm-deer's body.

The Hooves of the Connected Reindeers, once combined with Rudolphus, were electrically charged, creating a magnetic field which pulls forth other reindeer bodies. The less alive the reindeer, the more effective the magnetic pull of the arm- or leg-deers. In conjunction with the ability to attract, on fur or hoof contact, the deer is resurrected as a part of the Robotic Warrior, as a weapon. The tenth female reindeer was not actually dead -- it became a Cyborg-Spear-Deer, the main arsenal of the superior SUPER ULTRA MASSIVE ULTIMATE ROBOT Z.

With a brandishing of the dark brown fur, wafting it's small hairs in the wind, the Robotic Warrior is ready for battle!

Rudolphus' eyes transformed, shaping themselves like rigid trapezoids, half-metal but with remnants of pale organic skin. His eyes were covered in white flame, giving Pirate Horowitz the notion that he is ready to give his backside a kicking, or twenty. Santa screamed the Robot Warrior's extensively long name in pride. He'd hope that his ugly Frankenstein of a robot could actually defeat Plastic Rubber Ducky.

However at this point, the Loading Screen of Doom was somehow at 72!

I am most certain that the Long Hat will come to fruition very very soon! I know this because one hundred minus seventy two is twenty two, which less than half the time we had to wait for this Loading Screen to fill up!

Santa needs to hurry and force the fainted-then-resurrected Robot Warrior topple the Plastic Rubber Ducky and stop the progression of the chant of Hats. If SUPER ULTRA MASSIVE ULTIMATE ROBOT Z fails to do so before the tick of the fifteenth comes, then we are all finished!

The name can use a refurbishing, but Santa refused to rename his creation. This was due to the symbolic understanding that more capital letters increases a being's power and strength. Given by the equation two to the power of n times one thousand, where n is the number of capital letters, the multitude of capital letters in the Robotic Warrior's name gives it overwhelming raw strength. However, this does not apply only to one creature.

"Hahahaha, you think you're the only one with a trick of your own?" Pirate Horowitz chuckled. Clearly he had another pesky trap!

Pirate Horowitz summoned a giant Times New Roman, a 90 meter letter Z, and placed it squarely on Ducky's back. The letter Z is on the higher scale of the Alphabet, giving Ducky maximal power, adding to the strength boost that the capital letter had.

"Go, Plastic Rubber Ducky! Go forth with the power of the Alphabet!" Pirate Horowitz threateningly pointed to the Robotic Warrior. Once again, the tide of battle has turned!

A Giant Capital Z appeared!

The Robotic Warrior didn't falter, since it was confident that it had more power due to the amount of capitals its name had! Although Z is indeed the last letter of the Alphabet, and Plastic Rubber Ducky had it in its back, the Robotic Warrior's name has a Z at the very end too!

When the red sphere affixed on Rudolphus stopped flashing, simply illuminating the area crimson, he lunged forward with the reindeer robot and attacked!

While still on air, it proceeded with a high kick, linking with a low punch, low punch and cancelling with a Dragon Uppercut. However, the Letter Powered Ducky blocked the attack using its beak, and swung it from left to right, and attempted to swipe the Robotic Warrior down as a counter attack! The Robotic Warrior used it's spear to stop it's beak, pushing it squarely back to it's head. Swiftly, the beak opened itself, and Plastic Rubber Ducky attempted to swallow the Robotic Warrior.

The metal reindeer combination pack anticipated this attack! It pulled back its Cyborg-Spear-Deer and stabbed Ducky's beak-mouth, and then rotated the spear 360 degrees lengthwise, hitting it's top-beak and bottom-beak! It jumped with it's fire-breathing leg-deers away from the beak, and lunged forward to smash Plastic Rubber Ducky's head with its Spear!

Unfortunately, Ducky's Plastic armor bounced the Spear backwards! It's common sense that the elastic feature of Rubber Ducks protects it from heavy attacks! The trade-off is the cute squeal it makes after it gets compressed when hit! Once elastically pushed back by the robotic combination of deers, Plastic Rubber Ducky followed with a recoil high frequency squeal, deafening Rudolphus and the other reindeers. The entirety of the Robotic Warrior was thrown away by Ducky's crucial scream.

"Darn it!" Santa said in disbelief. "If 'dem reindeers 'ere a bit fat, their fats would'a taken in the squeal like a man!" Santa actually explains a bit of sound resistance mechanism -- using one's body fat as a suppressor for sound. The larger the surface area of the fat barrier, the more effective the anti-sound properties of your bodies work.

However, it was pointless. Sadly, no one wants to be as fat as you, Santa.

1.2

2011-06-10T05:06:00.000-07:00

Silence.

We made sure that Pirate Horowitz did not get any recognition, not even a single chuckle, from his flawless execution of a pun.

Alas, the ugly squid pirate managed to break free from the furious attack of the reindeers. He was now ready to unleash the fury of the Long Hat. Rudolphus and the other reindeers tried to attack him once again, but it was impossible to do so, because Pirate Horowitz surrounded himself with his slimy, fat tentacles. But that was the least of their problems!

The fat tentacles were coated with cyborg-like pistons, producing massive amounts of Slimy Liquid, which looked like radioactive waste. The reindeers stopped on their tracks, and they showed faces of disgust and horror. It turned out that the reindeers had a bubble bath before, and they were afraid that their freshly washed Christmas Hooves would get sullied by the slime.

They were traumatized by the disgusting lime-green hue of the bubbling Slimy Liquid, and were terrified as they smelt the mixed stench of body odor and vinegar. Unfortunately, their delicate eyes and cute, round noses could not fathom such abomination! They fainted, one-by-one! As they dropped one after another, I trembled in terror. The killer strength of the Pirate was unmatched! He defeated the ten reindeers in one fell swoop!

With the reindeer pack gone, Pirate Horowitz knew that nothing could interrupt the chant of Hats. The Ten Evil Hats flew away from Pirate Horowitz’ hooked hatrack foot.. One by one, they started to glow, radiating the entire area with rainbow light. The Ten Hats floated high above the robotic pirate, and spun around in a circular path. Each one of the Hats slowly moved towards the center of this path, as slow as a leg-less turtle.

A mysterious red rectangular box suddenly appeared out of nowhere, floating in the center of the circling Ten Evil Hats. It also had a strange numeral written inside it.

"0"

I was baffled as why Pirate had summoned a useless box out of nowhere. It didn't seem that it was hostile -- it didn't do any special attacks or had any magical ability. It was also non-mobile, what a boring summon!

However, when the numeral changed, I retracted my opinion -- I realized that it was the Loading Screen of Doom!

The numeral magically changed from zero to one! Slowly but surely it will reach one-hundred, it's maximum value, and when that happens, Ten Hats will combine into a Long Hat! Anyone who sees such a wicked Hat would never move an inch, for the rest of their lives!

"2"

A Giant Bat-Fish, munching on the Loading Screen of Doom.

“Holy Flying Laser Cats! It increases with a steady rate of change!” I screamed in shock. Santa looked at me with anxiousness in his face. He was afraid. The three parallel folds on his forehead were blatantly larger, and his oval mouth was wide open in disbelief. His eyebrow moved closely together. His eyes were teary, and his white beard swung from left to right, and wanted to detach itself from his chin to run away in cowering fear.

And that it did. Santa’s beard swung forth so hard that it broke free from his chin. The beard rolled off to the distant sunset, determined to build a hairy home away from this chaos, and bring birth to little white moustaches.

"Taste the Power of Water!" Pirate Horowitz said, laughing in triumph at his well played rhyme. He wasn't finished!

He started waving his eleven robotic tentacles and flashes of light came out of thin air. He had made another summon! Smoke whizzed behind him and grey clouds of nimbus followed. It covered a height of twenty times his size, towering over the Ten Evil Hats. After a while, the smoke cleared and the clouds were gone as well.

I looked up and saw a beaked creature, armed with a pair of wing-like arms and two massive plate-like eyes, staring into the distance. It was a bird of a size taller than any creature I've ever seen in my entire life, standing with its pair of 30-metre amber-coloured legs. Its skin was shining bright, as bright as the sun, but without the eye-burning tenacity which would remove one's eyesight in a split-second.

The creature's epidermis was coated in glossy yellow, reminiscent of the wet stain on my trousers two seconds ago.

Pirate Horowitz has unleashed the terror of the massive Plastic Rubber Ducky!

The Plastic Rubber Ducky is the Pirate's trump summon. It was said that it had survived torrential ventures in the sea of BathTub, where it had survived several encounters with the mighty Brown Giants. Legend has it that it had downed a Giant by contracting itself fully, and then squealing, producing the highest pitched sound in the universe -- deafening the Giant. The Giant cried for days, until it reached Puberty.

The Plastic Rubber Ducky proceeded to lift its Duck Foot, covering us with a massive Duck Foot shadow, three times the size of a Humpback Whale.

I was having a terrible day. Not only that Pirate Horowitz is about to obtain the greatest weapon ever created, but I am also on the verge of death. Santa was powerless, motionless to do anything, even though the Hat was not yet brought to this world. The powerful reindeer pack fainted in Blennophobia. The Duck Foot came ever closer, ready to smash us all to pieces.

However, I could not simply just give up.

I quickly swiped my hand into my pocket, and held out, a crimson red sphere. Santa turned the frown in his face into amusement. The amusement in his mind formed into confidence. He knew exactly what was happening. The Duck Foot stopped from advancing towards us.

There was a force so powerful that it counteracted Plastic Ducky's huge foot. The strength of three hundred reindeers was inside the body of one. Pirate Horowitz smirked. He knew that such a cheap move would not finish us. Rudolphus' front legs were preventing the Duck Foot from moving. His hind legs slipped for a while, and then burrowed itself to force himself up. I let go of the glowing red sphere out of my pocket, and it moved lightning-fast towards Rudolphus' nose.

"GAAAAAAAAAAA!" Rudolphus screamed as he overpowered the Duck Foot. Plastic Rubber Ducky was thrown off balance, and he moved three steps away, almost tipping over. Meanwhile, Rudolphus' eyes became white, radiating in power and strength. He started hovering above ground. His red nose was flashing rapidly.

"His red nose was flashing rapidly."

"REINDEERS, COMBINE!" Santa screamed in excitement. The other nine fainted reindeers stood up in robotic symphony. They hovered above ground. Rudolphus, leader of the pack flew high above, and his legs were spread across in four directions.

"PREPARE FOR BATTLE, SUPER ULTRA MASSIVE ULTIMATE REINDEER ROBOT Z!" Santa's grin extended over his beardless face.

"52," the Loading Screen of Doom clocked.

1.1

2011-06-08T06:38:00.000-07:00

"OH MY GOD, REINDEERS!"

Pirate Horowitz, the robotic squid pirate, is being brutally hurt by ten reindeers.

Twenty minutes ago, I tried to stop him in his conquest to end the world itself, but I managed to trip on a small stone and fell to the ground. His robotic arm stretched and lifted me in the air then rapidly threw me back down. I was hurt, and I was trying to stand up, but his tentacles swiped me back down. Then, I glimpsed above and my Credit Card -- the source of my materialization power was stolen by his squid tentatcles. He was kicking the crap out of me, hitting me with his pirate hat, until a man came to my rescue.

It was jolly good Santa Claus!

I had my body face down, and I tried to roll back up. I slid across and turned my body around, even though pain was all over, just to see what was happening.

Santa skilfully summoned the ten devilish reindeer pack. Santa's army of four legged creatures came out of thin air, lunged in harmony and trampled the Pirate. Luckily, Pirate Horowitz could not stand up because he only had one foot. His left missing foot was replaced with a wooden hook, that extends into a hat rack.

Rudolphus, the leader of the reindeers aimed at the left wooden hook, careful that it would not extend, so as to not reveal the Ten Evil Hats. If Pirate manages to reveal those Hats, the End of the World will come to fruition. Pirate Horowitz screamed in pain and agony as the ten reindeers kept on stampeding on his tentacles and his wooden rack. "Get off my tentacles, or I will tickle you!" he said, but those words were muffled with the multitude of stampede squishes on his ugly squid face.

I was face-up on the floor, with hat dust on my face when Santa laughed, and helped me up.

"Ya' okay?" He asked, treating me with various healing milk chocolate cookies, selected from the finest homes he had gone into during Christmastime. "Yes, Santa... but don't worry about me! He was about to cast the chant of Hats, which would finish us all! Thank you for the assistance!" I said, while crackling my hanging jaw back to its original position.

"I could've handled it myself, totally, but thanks for the help anyway." I quickly whispered, in order to reiterate that I was not, in any way, overpowered by Pirate Horowitz. Santa just ignored me, as if he didn't believe me. That's when I came to the conclusion that he was deaf.

Pirate Horowitz was about to cast the chant of Hats, before Santa arrived. It was the greatest devilish spell, in which the Ten Evil Hats would combine into a Long Hat, rendering any human or humanoid into an admiration state, permanently paralyzing him or her for eternity. The Long Hat is the best hat that a person could acquire, plated in gold, water, fire and bacon, allowing its bearer to survive with food, heat and liquids, while being decoratively appealing.

A representation of the Long Hat.

Such a hat amuses even my hat-less self, and one look would make me admire the wearer -- his hat, his entirety, and I would stop functioning completely due its stunning appeal. It was said in the past that the Long Hat has caused massive time rifts as it produced a 'pseudo-timestop' effect, stunning anyone in the vicinity of the Hat. Anyone would be motionless in awe due to the attractiveness and beauty of the Long Hat!

However, its power affects only those who may see it. Hence, the Three Blind Mice pushed forward to eliminate this Hat. They were unaffected of its power as they did not have the sense of sight. The Three Blind Mice managed to divide the Hat into Ten more hats, weakening its power. They proceeded to hide the Ten in a Longcase Clock. The Longcase Clock was a fitting throne of the Ten Hats, as it gave the Three Blind Mice enough space to store them all inside, vertically.

The Clock was guarded by the Three, day and night, rain or sun. They were also skillful knights, who were undefeated magically, in physical strength and dexerity. However, Horowitz had a cunning plan! He lured the Three with cheese and the Three Blind Mice left the Clock to eat! And so, Pirate Horowitz stole the Ten Hats while the Clock was unguarded and they were ready to be fused together once again.

As Santa finished eating the leftover cookies which I didn't eat, he snapped into complete seriousness, and muttered, "But my reindeer pack will not keep him at bay for long.... You should run whi-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Rudolphus' scream cut Santa's words. I noticed that the entire reindeer pack has stopped. The tentacles of Pirate Horowitz were expanding!

Pirate Horowitz used my Credit Card to summon Weight Gain Pills, and ate them!

"Haha! One percent per annum interest does not apply to me, because THIS is not mine!" Pirate Horowitz chuckled, flinging my Credit Card with one of his tentacles! Blast! I have to pay for that!

The tentacles increased in size tenfold and furiously swiped ten out of ten reindeers to the ground. The reindeers swiftly stood back up. They used their Christmas Hooves to propel them into surrounding Pirate Horowitz in a split second, even though he was occupying a 10 metre radius with his fat tentacles.

However, it was too late. The ten-hat hatrack was fully extended.

"Hatsta La Vista, Baby." Said Pirate Horowitz.