Someone in a Tree

Where The Hell Have I Been?

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 23:24:00 +0000

Well hello! How long have you been hanging around here? I hope you haven't been waiting long. Sorry I haven't been around much but this has been a rather hectic week.

As of 6PM tomorrow I will officially be unemployed, although today was technically my last day in the office. I had vacation time that needed to be used up before I left, so I decided I'd take my last day of employment as a vacation day.

Why not, right?

The week has been a mad sprint to get all outstanding projects for the month out the door. Several reports and proposals aren't due until the end of the month, but I figured I might as well leave a nice taste in everyone's mouth and clear out the calendar through the end of March. Remarkably, it all got done. But it was a slog and with the evenings full up with activities, blogging kind of fell by the wayside.

But I now have a moment to breath so I thought I'd fill you in on the goings-on since last Friday.

Friday night I met up with some community theater pals and saw another friend perform in an evening of one-acts. They were pretty good, so the evening ended up enjoyable instead of a chore. Then we hit this local bar/pub place and I had some dinner and a drink, then headed home.

Saturday morning I taught a yoga class, then met up with another friend from a different community theater group and we rehearsed a number that we will be performing this Saturday at a cabaret-fundraising event. Then I attended a performance of Another Dude's Slingbacks, now playing at 13th Street Rep, the review of which you can read here.

Sunday I taught another yoga class, went to the gym, went to the office and cleared out most of my personal effects (there is nothing more depressing then doing that on your last day, so I took care of it ahead of time) and then had a rehearsal for The Gondoliers, which I will be performing in from April 16 - 24 (get your tickets here).

Monday after work I met up with Josh and we saw Alice in Wonderland, which we both enjoyed but weren't blown away by. This was followed by dinner at a Thai restaurant.

Tuesday after work was another Gondoliers rehearsal, followed by damage control when Josh and the cats had a major run-in at the apartment. Oh, for those who don't know, Josh got hired by the place he was interning (w00t!) and, to avoid a hellish NJ-Brooklyn commute five days-a-week, now stays over at my place Mon-Thurs. It's a sacrifice, what can I say?

Wednesday I met up with some friends for dinner at a Mediterranean restaurant, then another rehearsal for the cabaret.

Which takes us to today. Well, you are all caught up! And for those of you all bent out of shape because we had no tent pitch this week, here is a lovely desperate fellow for you. See you tomorrow for 12 of 12!

Broadway Purim Spiel

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 17:51:00 +0000

On Monday I attended the 6th Annual Broadway Purim Spiel.

The what?

OK, quick remedial moment for those who need it. A Purim spiel is a traditional parody performed in celebration of the holiday of Purim, typically turning the biblical story on its head, much like a traditional English Christmas pantomime. My friend Joe got me in on a pair of press tickets and we met at the glamorous Hudson Theater, housed inside the Millenium Broadway Hotel on 44th Street.

The Broadway Spiel features - surprise! - Broadway performers entertaining audiences with songs and skits. The event benefits the Birthright Israel Foundation, which provides free, first-time trips to Israel for Jewish young adults ages 18 to 26. A very worthy cause in my book. Several of my younger cousins have gone and had terrific experiences.

This year the event was hosted by Richard Kind (Curb Your Enthusiasm, Spin City, and many others). Featured performers included Clarke Thorell, Chad Kimball, Adam Kantor, Alysha Umphress, Alex Brightman, Gaelen Gilliand, and comedian MODI, among others.

Exactly. Who??!!?

I'm a big theatre fan but even I was hard-pressed in placing who these people were. I mean I eventually connected that Clarke Thorell had been in the original cast of Hairspray, and Chad Kimball is currently starring in Memphis on Broadway (yeah, THAT blockbuster). And, OK, the evening also featured Christian Hoff, who won the Tony a few years ago for Jersey Boys.

Wait, what? CHRISTIAN Hoff?

Yeah, a good 30% of the performers weren't even Jewish. I mean, it's not like they had to be, but come ON! Are there so few Jews in the theater that they had to ask nice gentiles to help out? I mean, WTF?

I did a little research and discovered that last year the show featured Jackie Hoffman and Marc Kudisch, so maybe this was just an off year or something. But seriously. Where was Seth Rudetsky? Where was Harvey Fierstein? Where was Joel Grey, Bebe Neuwirth, or Danny Burstein? I mean, hell, Abigail Breslin is currently on Broadway and in a few years she's eligible for a trip!!

But this was not my only beef with the show.

The 'amusing' premise for the evening was that joke-biographies of the main characters in the bible story were read by guest performers. I have to say that overall I was underwhelmed by the cleverness. But then again, since when are Jews known for their sense of humor, right?

Seriously, it was embarrassing.

Even worse, one biography featured a few digs at the Reform Jewish movement (talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face!) and another, of Haman who is the villain of the piece, not-so-subtly hinted that he was a fag. Nice. Real nice.

In between the biography readings there were musical numbers and these ranged from great to cringe-inducing. I will be nice and just talk about the good ones. Alex Brightman, currently in Wicked, kicked butt with the song "Chiksa Goddess" from The Last Five Years, Christian Hoff and Clarke Thorell did a lovely acoustic version (accompanying themselves on guitars) of "Dont' Leave Me High" by Radiohead, and the comedian MODI's brief set was one of the high points of the night.

I did get a free drink out of the deal, didn't pay a cent, and was headed home by 9:30PM, so I don't have any real call to bitch, but as much of a booster for the Jews as I am, my people will need to do a hell of a lot better for next year's show.

Wednesday Tent Pitch

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Wed, 03 Mar 2010 23:59:00 +0000

Well the Olympics are over, so we know return you to the regular bill of fare here at the Wednesday Tent Pitch.

These fellows may not be athletes, but I imagine they certainly know how to elevate heart rates just as effectively. Hah!

Or, or, or, they may not play sports but they can sure work up a sweat! Right? Am I right?

Wait, wait, how about...um...they certainly are encouraging me to be an athletic supporter!

OK, sorry about that last one. But, really, do any of you read what I say on these posts anyway? And if you do, WHY?

Let's get to it.

Problem Children

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 23:38:00 +0000

I have owned many cats in my life. OK, I should be more accurate. I have been accepted as caretaker for many cats in my life.

Most of them have been sweet-natured and affectionate to varying degrees. Some were outdoor cats, some indoor. Some sought out my lap, others were content to curl up next to me. Some were independent, gone half the day in the woods. Others followed me from room to room like clingy children. But all were fully socialized cats who had no issues with friends or even strangers.

Bart and Lisa are different.

Bart and Lisa are a little damaged.

They spent the first months of their lives on the street, having other cats that viewed humans as things to be feared as their earliest role models. When they were rescued, they still had not been socialized. So it took me many months of careful ministrations to earn their trust.

Initially I found this irritating, and to some extent I feel sad that I missed out on the opportunity to play with them when they were cute little kittens. I have few pictures of them from those days, as they would hide from me or flee if I focused my attention on them for too long.

But now they have made significant improvements. Bart will curl up in my lap and Lisa, while still too terrified to allow me to hold her with both hands, will come after me relentlessly to have her chin and head scratched.

Yes it can be frustrating at times, but think about it: Do you want a partner who is very affectionate with you, but also with everyone else they meet? Or do you want your loved one to have eyes only for you?

Why is that somehow wrong for pets?

My cats know me. They know my voice, my scent, and the sounds I make when I approach the apartment. They recognize me. While I wish they were more sociable to others (aka Josh) I can't help but be flattered when they emerge from hiding when it is just me; how they seek me out.

And certain people should be encouraged by the fact that Bart will sometimes come out of hiding when they are around, even if he isn't always the friendliest (i.e. occasionally hisses and spits). Progress comes incrementally. Faint heart never won fair lady. It's only a matter of time.

Josh IS Trashy

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 05:21:00 +0000

This past weekend was Josh's birthday extravaganza. It was preceded by Josh's staying-over-at-my-place extravaganza. You see, he stayed over Tuesday night because he had an appointment after work, then stayed over as usual on Wednesday night, then stayed over Thursday night because of the snowstorm, then stayed over Friday night because of the aftermath of the snowstorm.

I certainly wasn't complaining, although the cats were a bit traumatized by the end of the week.

However, as I had been planning a surprise for Josh for the past month, pulling the last pieces together without him knowing AND underfoot took a bit legerdemain that I hadn't planned on. It also forced my hand a day early.

You see, Josh had been making his weekly visits to chez moi using two entirely inefficient shoulder bags to tote all his stuff. So I told him I would get him a proper backpack to use as an overnight bag. But then I had the idea to enlist our mutual circle of internet friends to fill his backpack with little gifts to make it all that more special. Lots of awesomecopterz friends volunteered to participate and over the past month packages had been arriving from near and far bearing Josherific gifts.

I had been stowing these gifts out of site, along with the backpack, in my front closet. This had also increasingly become the cats' place of refuge during Josh's visits so things were getting tricky. Plus, when Josh stayed over, he and I would often arrive together at my place with the mail (usually including a package intended for him) sitting on the hall table at the entrance to my apartment. It took some careful distracting techniques to get the packages out of site before he could ask about them.

Friday night arrived with him still here, and even though I had planned on giving him his present Saturday night, his birthday officially started after midnight on Friday, so I felt I really had to do it then.

Fortunately, all went well and Josh was appropriately delighted by his birthday bounty, which included books, candy, t-shirts, CDs, toys, knick knacks, homemade knitted goods and gift cards.

I don't have pictures of all the bounty, but here is a picture of the aftermath.

Thanks go to Craig, V.U.B.O.Q., Mel, GoblinBox, Michelle, Chris D, Tam, Dave2, Adam, Jere, Polt, M. Nico, Bossy, Justerz & John. You guys rock.

Wednesday Tent Pitch - Olympic Edition

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 23:03:00 +0000

While, for me, the Winter Olympics are not as compelling and exciting as the Summer Olympics, I have been following events to an extent and have enjoyed (obviously) the ice skating competitions. I've also caught some speed skating, curling, cross country, snowboarding and bob-sledding. I can't say I get all the nuances of many of these events, but there is something engaging about competition and athletes putting themselves out there. All that sacrifice, determination and, well let's be honest, low body fat can't help but be compelling.

Luckily for all of you, I stumbled across a post on Socialite Elf featuring Olympic athletes from Vancouver 2010 who will be featured in an OK Magazine photo spread.

Since I'm limited to what they provided, this week's selection is a little "white bread" heavy, but I hope you'll make allowances.

So with "glowing hearts" and other parts, here is this week's installment. The athletes are, in order of appearance: Andy Newell (cross country skiing), Benjamin Agosto (ice dancing), Charlie White (ice dancing), Evan Lysacek (figure skating), Jeret Peterson (freestyle skiing), JR Celski (speed skating), Louie Vito (snow board), Seth Wescott (snowboard), Steven Nyman (alpine skiing), and Todd Lodwick (nordic combined).

McSweeney's

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 20:32:00 +0000

I haven't stolen one of these in a long time, but this one was just too good:

Obstacles That Keep My Career as a French Professor from Being More Like Tim Gunn's on Project Runway:

BY HERVÉ PICHERIT

Colleagues unwilling to form "guest judge" panels to correct my mid-term exams.

Student anger at surprise, last-minute addition of a thirteenth page to their twelve-page final essays.

The catchphrase "Faites-le marcher" doesn't appear to motivate the class.

Difficulty color-coordinating lavender ties with puce coffee stains.

Strenuous selection period of a German graduate student capable of "aufing" with proper combination of disdain and distance.

Awkwardness visiting the students at their homes during the last week of classes to get a glimpse of their final projects; few of their families served me dinner.

Inefficiency of weekly field-trips to the department Xerox machine giving students half an hour to gather the materials they will need for class.

Week four's challenge of using a jar of jam and confetti to illustrate visually the difference between voluntary and involuntary memory in Marcel Proust's À la Recherche du Temps Perdu produced no clear winner.

Unable to maintain lady-like demeanor during office hours.

Grand prize of $3.00, an all-expense-paid trip for two to the student union and a five-page spread in The American Association of French Teacher's French Review unable to overcome the resentment caused by asking the student with each week's lowest grade to gather-up his or her things and go home.

A Door Closes And A Window Opens

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Fri, 19 Feb 2010 16:50:00 +0000

I have been prepping myself to post about this for a while now. I always get nervous posting things that are truly personal and that aren't necessarily good news as I feel uncomfortable sometimes with the avalanche of support that often - but not always - follows, as sometimes it feels knee-jerk rather than sincere. Or folks feel the need to pad their response with false assurances.

Having stated that qualification, I am writing to tell you that my last day of employment will be March 12. I was notified by my employer (the day after our Holiday party, btw, which I thought was kind of in poor taste) that for strategic business reasons, my tenure at the company would be terminated in 12 weeks. I won't go into the details, but they aren't eliminating my position. They are looking for someone with different qualification than they feel I currently have in order for the company to move forward. I'm not being fired, per se, but I am being let go.

My thoughts and feelings initially were a mixed bag. It was nice that they were giving me nearly three months to find a new position, but I also felt a bit foolish (and a bit pissed off), having hung on at this job for over six years. I had pursued and interviewed for other jobs during that time but nothing came through. I would have preferred to leave on my own terms, but I guess this is not to be the case. Still, in some ways I feel this was inevitable and perhaps the universe is giving me the kick in the pants I needed but couldn't accomplish on my own.

As of this writing I have not identified a new position. That is mainly my fault. After I got the news my knee-jerk response was to find another similar position, but I thought I would wait until after the New Year before looking, as I doubted anyone was actively filling positions over the holidays. But upon reflection I realized that I was feeling a bit burnt out. Working in fundraising can be exhausting and the constant race against deadlines in grant writing, in particular, has worn me out. I feel like I want to take this situation and make it an opportunity to move in a different direction.

What that direction is, however, I have no freaking idea. I still have my side work as a yoga instructor and there may be opportunities to expand there, but not enough to fill the financial gap that a full-time job will provide. And certainly none of the standard benefits.

Fortunately I do have a few resources. A friend has a father who is a career counselor and he has graciously agreed to provide his services pro bono. I have a wide network of friends and acquaintances in the arts world as well as in other business, so I will be interacting with them to see what is out there as well.

While the prospect of stepping into the void of the employment world is a bit terrifying, I also feel I need a little time off to process what I really want to do next. Work is still keeping me very busy, so I haven't had much time to research and figure things out. A co-worker has suggested reading "What Color is Your Parachute?" so I will be getting a copy of that shortly. I've never been on unemployment before, ever. It feels rather intimidating and while I have some savings to help supplement things, it still scares me to wonder how I will meet expenses until the next job shows up.

The upside is that I will certainly be posting more, getting outside more (hopefully in time for things to warm up) and I am totally gonna hit the gym hard, now that I will have time to do ridiculous 2-hour workouts and such. Lots more yoga, too. Just in time for spring and the sooner-than-you-think beach season!

So that's it. That's the story. Only time will tell if this journey to the next shore will be a long or short one. We shall see.

The Pride

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 20:46:00 +0000

Go here to read my review of the new play The Pride.

Wednesday Tent Pitch

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Wed, 17 Feb 2010 19:38:00 +0000

Josh and I (and please tell me if you are sick of hearing this, because I know I used to feel that way about other folks when I was terminally single, so really, if it's annoying I can rein it in) were watching (read: I was watching and Josh was humoring me) TV and flipping back and forth between the Olympics and the Westminster Kennel Show (and are you sick of these parenthetical comments, yet?) and talking about what breeds of dogs we liked. Josh is enamored of dachshunds. I had an uncle who had one named Snoopy many years ago, and the dog was cute but a little mean-spirited. So we looked up dachshunds on Google images and came across a hybrid called a doxle, which is a dachshund-beagle mix.

Well, we both fell in love.

In tribute to this, and in my ongoing efforts to mollify the man whenever I post these weekly tent pitches, I will be pairing up a hot guy with an adorable doxle photo. You can decide which is truly man's best friend.

Weekend Recap - Holiday Edition

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 19:02:00 +0000

This weekend was the trifecta of holiday weekends, with That Day We Don't Usually Talk About, Chinese New Year and Presidents Day all converging for a perfect storm of celebration, commerce and annoying tourist and shopper sidewalk traffic.

I've already recounted my brush with death on Saturday, so I will pick up the travelogue on Sunday.

I had not seen my sister and my nephews in several months (a visit by them to NYC for Hanukah was scuttled at the last minute), so when my folks told me they were meeting up with them for lunch in Philly on Sunday, along with two of my cousins (one of whom you've read about as a member of the SoCal VoCals) I agonized about whether I could join them. I was teaching a yoga class that evening, so needed to be back in the City no later than 5:45PM.

After reviewing a variety of travel options ($170 for a round trip ticket on Amtrak? Are you fucking kidding me?) I was able to score a $26 round trip on Bolt Bus, of which I'd heard the praises sung by numerous other people. I will definitely say Bolt got me down and back in an extremely timely manner - we arrived early on both trips - but since I don't have a laptop and couldn't take advantage of any WiFi service, I have to say "meh" as to its awesomeness. I've used Greyhound and a variety of Chinatown bus services and they all seem interchangeable to me.

Upon arrival in Philly, I grabbed a cab over to Cuba Libre where the rest of the family has just been seated, so the timing was nigh-perfect. While the offerings were rather dismal for someone of my dietary predilections, the rest of my family was ecstatic over their selections, so I can still give the restaurant a two thumbs-up review. I will say that they have a fantastic bread basket.

After lunch we bid adieu to my cousins and the rest of us strolled over to the Liberty Museum, an odd little place that focuses on American and international figures who have worked for peace and freedom around the world. My sister chose it because she knew my mom would like it and true to form, my mom ate it up like a chocolate cake slathered in Hallmark Hall of Fame made-for-TV frosting. I, on the other hand, was a bit underwhelmed. (Why do you hate America, David?) When an exhibit features Henry Kissinger alongside Jimmy Carter as examples of individuals who have contributed to peace in the world, your eyebrows have to raise just a little bit, unless of course your DVR is set for the Glenn Beck show.

But it was still some good quality family time and wonderful to see my sister and my nephews. Matt is a Junior and starting to look at colleges (stop getting older!!) and Josh (not the Trashy One) will start high school next year. Eeesh

All too soon it was time for me to head back, and after a bit of traffic drama on Walnut Street (or Walnut parking lot, as it seemed on Sunday) my folks got me to the pick-up spot for the Bolt bus and I was whisked back to the Big Apple in plenty of time. The yoga class went well, and there were 16 happy yogis by the time I was through with them. Get your minds out of the gutter, you sick fucks.

I headed home and checked in with the Trashy One, who had finished a marathon two-shift day at the restaurant and was near collapse after all the V-Day dinners were complete. We finalized plans for him to come in to NYC on Monday and then we both passed out in our respective beds.

Monday I race into Port Authority (read: was a half hour late, trying to neaten up the apartment in preparation) to retrieve my Josherz and then we sped down to Chinatown to celebrate the Year of the Tiger with a feast of vegetarian Dim Sum at a restaurant named - wait for it - Vegetarian Dim Sum! Lots of food for cheap, our favorite combo

Next we waddled off to try and continue the cheap trend with some shopping at low-end stores. We hit Top Man, Uniqlo, H&M, Daffy's, and some generic shoe stores. We were successful at most of these although H&M gets a big thumbs down because we thought we had scored an armful of bargains on a $10 rack, only to find that everything except for one pair of pants was "mistakenly" placed there. Bullshit. Nice "bait and switch" try there, H&M. Still, aside from the sidewalk clogging traffic that nearly forced us to commit numerous homicides, we had a great time and scored some cool duds.

Then we headed back to mi casa, dropped off the bags, collapsed and recuperated for a bit, then headed over to the Pathmark to get food for dinner. We ended up making a Tilapia parmigiana (really good!) plus a side of penne with broccoli and onions, and a salad. Then we had some chocolate fudge cake leftover from Josh's last visit, and watched a few episodes of ATHF. There may have been an exchange of mementos of a romantic nature, but that will have to be the subject of speculation on the reader's part.

Eventually it was time for lights-out, and we cuddled up (cowering cats notwithstanding) and drifted off to sleepytimeland. I hope everyone had pleasant holiday weekends, or if you didn't have the day off on Monday, hopefully at least a quiet day of goofing off at the office.

Getting the Cold Shoulder

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Sun, 14 Feb 2010 00:19:00 +0000

I was out in the West Village this afternoon taking care of some errands.

I was walking north on Hudson Street, just around West 10th.

I was about to pass a Starbucks, housed inside a four-story apartment building.

As I walked past, I heard a loud crack and a rumble. I looked up and basically saw a huge sheet of white hurtling down towards me from the roof of the building. Purely from instinct I took off like a sprinter hearing the starter's gun. Not two seconds later a huge pile of frozen snow crashed into the sidewalk behind me. I got thumped a bit on my right shoulder and back but basically avoided the brunt of it. A man several paces behind me had also stopped in time but his head and shoulders were dusted with the cloud of snow that billowed out after the pile hit pavement. I swear, a good eight-to-ten foot swath of sidewalk was covered in shattered ice and snow.

Not a little terrifying.

I looked back at the mess, kind of stunned for a few moments, laughing and cursing at the same time. The other fellow and I exchanged a few "wow"'s and "what the hell"'s. Another nice man asked if I was OK and all I could do was just laugh and say "yes." No one was seriously injured and the other fellow remarked that this little event could have been so much worse. Can you imagine if it had been an elderly person or a child walking beneath when this happened? Or if I'd had my iPod on and hadn't heard the first rumble and crack?

I shook my head a few more times and then continued on my way.

Only later did I realize I'd missed a golden opportunity for lucrative law suit. Oh well. At least I got an interesting blog post out of it.

Then I stopped for a late lunch at a sandwich shop that seemed to be almost entirely patronized by French people. Weird.

But to all my peeps in snowy urban areas: keep your eyes and ears peeled.

12 of 12: Not So Much

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 05:25:00 +0000

Well, another 12 of 12 has come and gone. I really had every intention of participating this month. In fact I had even had the day off from work, so what could have been easier than document a relaxing day with some photos?

Oh, did I say relaxing? In truth today did start out that way. Josh had stayed over last night and we slept in a bit, until a debauched 10AM, in fact. Then we got up and lazed a bit, but not too much because we had to head out the door no later than noon in order to get him to Port Authority and on the 1:30PM bus back to NJ.

This was accomplished with a minimum of rushing and we had time for a late breakfast, a shower and a quick check of the email. While I did forget my camera for this trip, I figured I still had the rest of the day to take some photos.

I headed back to Brooklyn, getting home around 2:30PM, picked up my laundry, went over to Walgreen's to use a coupon I had, made lunch, went online and had to deal with about 31 emails, most of them connected to this evening's dinner at my synagogue. Tonight was the monthly dinner for young adults that I co-chair and we had decided to turn it into a fundraiser for Haiti. We had been working hard the last two weeks to get food and beverage donations to lower our costs so the bulk of people's contributions did not have to cover any overhead.

We were very fortunate to get donations of food from Trader Joe's, Village Crown, and Chantilly, as well as deeply discounted food from Supersol and donated wine from Windsor Wines. However, coordinating getting all of this over to the synagogue before Shabbat started at 5:10PM was a bit crazy. Plus the food from Trader Joe's (soup and pineapples) needed to be prep-ed and that also had to be done before sundown.

So after putting out a few fires and coordinating with our team of volunteers, it was 3:30PM and time for me to get dressed and head back in to Manhattan to meet up with the first team of volunteers at 4:30PM. We got all the food started, set the tables, uncorked the wine, throw together some pitchers of rum punch cocktails (the whole dinner was Caribbean themed) and then it was 6PM and time for services.

Services finished at 7:30PM and we put out the cocktail pitchers along with some chips and pretzels, along with some He'Brew beer we had left over from a previous dinner, and the evening rolled forward. We had a speaker from the American Jewish World Service (the charity beneficiary) talk about what they were doing to help the situation in Haiti, and the picture she described was very informative and not a little heartbreaking. The whole shebang finished up around 10:45PM and I dragged my exhausted ass home.

So, as it turns out, no time for photos. Regardless, I'm pleased with how the day unfolded.

Oh, and please wish Josh and me a happy anniversary, as it is officially six months as of today.

And that's the only picture I really need.

Wednesday Tent Pitch - Blizzard Edition

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 20:52:00 +0000

Well, the intention for last night was to once again play around with this post concept with Josh. However, I had difficulty getting back to my apartment due to the weather, and then once there, had to address some cats vs boyfriend-related drama and coax a rather morose and dejected someone out from under the covers. Then there was the ordering of the Chinese food, the watching of American Idol, followed by some Aqua Teen Hunger Force dvds, The Daily Show, Colbert Report and - what the hell? - suddenly it was bed time.

Oops.

Therefore I have to go it alone this week and trot out a standard-issue helping of the WTP. I hope you'll be able to make do.

Enjoy.

24 Hour Party People

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 19:55:00 +0000

I haven't made much of a "to do" about this, but a few months back I was invited to be a contributing blogger at an up-and-coming group site called Queer New York, initiated by Father Tony.

If you click here, you can read about my recent adventures this past Monday at the annual 24 Hour Musical event.

And while you're at it, check out some of the other articles posted there as well.

Tent Pitch is coming. Stay Tuned.

Live-Blogging the Super Bowl

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 00:24:00 +0000

7:22PM: Just got home from rehearsal. Whoo, "Dance a Cachucha" is gonna be one hell of a number. My legs are kinda sore. Fed the cats and need to duck out to the corner bodega for groceries and drop off laundry.

7:39PM: Back from the errands. $11.40 for 19lbs of laundry. I love this laundramat. Picked up tuna fish for lunches this week plus a few other sundries. Dammit, still forgot to get paper towels.

7:55PM: It is freaking cold in the apartment again. I may have to call the landlady to complain again. I've been home an hour and the radiators remain stone cold. Oh, and I finally tuned into the game. I'm rooting for the pug. Ooh time for the kitten half-time show!

8:14PM: I'm loving the water bowl cam.

8:21PM: IM-ing with Josh.

8:47PM: Checking airfares for a pending trip to Greece in July. EasyJet has some low fares, but it's all a bit confusing with the different currencies.

9:01PM: Ohmigod, they have a blimp "manned" by hamsters.

9:31PM: Finished with dinner. Need to do some housecleaning.

10:01PM: Looks like the Saints won. I was kind of symbolically rooting for them anyway, since that gay-friendly Scott Fujita plays for the Saints and I wanted the haters to be pissed about that. Yay!

Hope you enjoyed the live-blogging. Quite the thrilling night, eh?

Makin' Whoopie

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 06:27:00 +0000

After the success of the brownie adventure last week, I decided it might be fun to take things up a notch this when Josh came over for his visit. So while picking up some groceries for our dinner, I picked up a box of this:

I met up with Josh and we headed back to my apartment. We'd both had long days at our respective offices so dinner was very simple. I threw together some mac 'n cheese with tuna and Josh made a salad and we plopped down on the couch and watched a series of attention whores shamelessly subject themselves to public humiliation for the remote chance to publicly prostitute their skills in exchange for vapid affirmation from a soulless general populace.

Just kidding, we watched the American Idol auditions.

Later, feeling rested and restored, and better about ourselves after a healthy dose of schadenfreude, it was time to make dessert.

Even though this was a step of from Betty Cockhead (as Josh so elegantly calls her) the whoopie pie instructions were fairly simple. The cookie batter went in one bowl with an egg, butter and some water, and the filling - essentially confectioners sugar - went into another bowl with more butter and some milk. We decided to divide and conquer, with me preparing the batter and Josh handling the frosting.

Unfortunately, the apartment heat had been under-performing that evening and the butter had not softened properly and...well...let's just say that Josh had some difficulty with the confectioners sugar blending with the still-rather-hard butter. As I had a lot more experience with recalcitrant dairy products, I took over to finish the frosting. Eventually we had the finished product.

OK, they didn't look as nice as the photo on the package but they still tasted good.

And Josh was a super-boyfriend and cleaned all the dirty dishes!

Having been exhausted by our culinary efforts and the resulting sugar crash, we headed for a bed and a well earned rest.

And that's what you get for makin' whoopie.

Wednesday Tent Pitch

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 22:05:00 +0000

Welcome back to another edition of the Wednesday Tent Pitch, here at Someone in a Tree. After the smash success of last week's Josh-infused version, I imagine that this week will be a major let-down. I'm not going to force Josh to help out on this one and I couldn't possibly match his inspired captioning prowess, so this will just be another run0-of-the-mill collection.

Not that there is anything wrong with that, it's just that Mr. Trashy raised the bar quite high.

Still, when it comes down to brass tacks, its the pictures that are the heart and soul, or perhaps more accurately, the mind and crotch of these posts.

Bearing that in mind, here is this week's collection of man-flesh. As always, feel free to express your admiration or disdain.

Predictions

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 22:52:00 +0000

Here are my predictions for this year's Academy Awards:

Best Picture

“Avatar” James Cameron and Jon Landau, Producers
“The Blind Side” Nominees to be determined
“District 9” Peter Jackson and Carolynne Cunningham, Producers
“An Education” Finola Dwyer and Amanda Posey, Producers
“The Hurt Locker” Nominees to be determined
“Inglourious Basterds” Lawrence Bender, Producer
“Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels, Sarah Siegel-Magness and Gary Magness, Producers
“A Serious Man” Joel Coen and Ethan Coen, Producers
“Up” Jonas Rivera, Producer
“Up in the Air” Daniel Dubiecki, Ivan Reitman and Jason Reitman, Producers

PREDICTION: "Precious: Based on the Novel 'Push' by Sapphire" will win for Longest Title, "Avatar" will win for Best Use of Blue Cat-Like Things" and "Inglourious Basterds" will win for Best Speling.

Actor in a Leading Role

Jeff Bridges in “Crazy Heart”
George Clooney in “Up in the Air”
Colin Firth in “A Single Man”
Morgan Freeman in “Invictus”
Jeremy Renner in “The Hurt Locker”

PREDICTION:Considering I haven't seen a single one of these, I must admit that I don't give a flying f@#k.

Actress in a Leading Role

Sandra Bullock in “The Blind Side”
Helen Mirren in “The Last Station”
Carey Mulligan in “An Education”
Gabourey Sidibe in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”
Meryl Streep in “Julie & Julia”

PREDICTION: Doesn't matter who will actually win, as Meryl Streep will accept the award and so fully impersonate whoever actually wins that we won't even realize it.

Actor in a Supporting Role

Matt Damon in “Invictus”
Woody Harrelson in “The Messenger”
Christopher Plummer in “The Last Station”
Stanley Tucci in “The Lovely Bones”
Christoph Waltz in “Inglourious Basterds”

PREDICTION: I really hope Woody Harrelson wins because while a movie ticket may cost as much as $12, his brand of crazy is priceless.

Actress in a Supporting Role

Penélope Cruz in “Nine”
Vera Farmiga in “Up in the Air”
Maggie Gyllenhaal in “Crazy Heart”
Anna Kendrick in “Up in the Air”
Mo’Nique in “Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire”

PREDICTION: Mo'Nique will win and throw a frying pan at the skinny bitch who presents her with the award.

Animated Feature Film

“Coraline” Henry Selick
“Fantastic Mr. Fox” Wes Anderson
“The Princess and the Frog” John Musker and Ron Clements
“The Secret of Kells” Tomm Moore
“Up” Pete Docter

PREDICTION: Balloon Boy will take this one unless Mr. Fox coughs up a hairball.

Directing

“Avatar” James Cameron
“The Hurt Locker” Kathryn Bigelow
“Inglourious Basterds” Quentin Tarantino
“Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Lee Daniels
“Up in the Air” Jason Reitman

PREDICTION: James Cameron will win and once again provide an annoying and self-aggrandizing sound bite that will linger in the collective unconscious for another decade.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

“District 9” Written by Neill Blomkamp and Terri Tatchell
“An Education” Screenplay by Nick Hornby
“In the Loop” Screenplay by Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, Tony Roche
“Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Screenplay by Geoffrey Fletcher
“Up in the Air” Screenplay by Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner

PREDICTION: A bucket of stolen fried chicken says Fletcher will take this.

Writing (Original Screenplay)

“The Hurt Locker” Written by Mark Boal
“Inglourious Basterds” Written by Quentin Tarantino
“The Messenger” Written by Alessandro Camon & Oren Moverman
“A Serious Man” Written by Joel Coen & Ethan Coen
“Up” Screenplay by Bob Peterson, Pete Docter, Story by Pete Docter, Bob Peterson, Tom McCarthy

PREDICTION: Hopefully Tarentino scores this, otherwise the winner might have his head knocked off with a baseball bat.

Art Direction

“Avatar” Art Direction: Rick Carter and Robert Stromberg; Set Decoration: Kim Sinclair
“The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” Art Direction: Dave Warren and Anastasia Masaro; Set Decoration: Caroline Smith
“Nine” Art Direction: John Myhre; Set Decoration: Gordon Sim
“Sherlock Holmes” Art Direction: Sarah Greenwood; Set Decoration: Katie Spencer
“The Young Victoria” Art Direction: Patrice Vermette; Set Decoration: Maggie Gray

PREDICTION: Is there anyone stupid enough to think "Avatar" won't win this? Anyone? Anyone?

Cinematography

“Avatar” Mauro Fiore
“Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” Bruno Delbonnel
“The Hurt Locker” Barry Ackroyd
“Inglourious Basterds” Robert Richardson
“The White Ribbon” Christian Berger

PREDICTION: Anyone? Anyone?

Film Editing

“Avatar” Stephen Rivkin, John Refoua and James Cameron
“District 9” Julian Clarke
“The Hurt Locker” Bob Murawski and Chris Innis
“Inglourious Basterds” Sally Menke
“Precious: Based on the Novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire” Joe Klotz

PREDICTION: Seriously. Anyone?

Sound Editing

“Avatar” Christopher Boyes and Gwendolyn Yates Whittle
“The Hurt Locker” Paul N.J. Ottosson
“Inglourious Basterds” Wylie Stateman
“Star Trek” Mark Stoeckinger and Alan Rankin
“Up” Michael Silvers and Tom Myers

PREDICTION: Fine. "Star Trek" can have this one.

Sound Mixing

“Avatar” Christopher Boyes, Gary Summers, Andy Nelson and Tony Johnson
“The Hurt Locker” Paul N.J. Ottosson and Ray Beckett
“Inglourious Basterds” Michael Minkler, Tony Lamberti and Mark Ulano
“Star Trek” Anna Behlmer, Andy Nelson and Peter J. Devlin
“Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” Greg P. Russell, Gary Summers and Geoffrey Patterson

PREDICTION: Um.

Visual Effects

“Avatar” Joe Letteri, Stephen Rosenbaum, Richard Baneham and Andrew R. Jones
“District 9” Dan Kaufman, Peter Muyzers, Robert Habros and Matt Aitken
“Star Trek” Roger Guyett, Russell Earl, Paul Kavanagh and Burt Dalton

PREDICTION: Oh come on, who are we kidding? I hope the the teams from "District 9" and "Star Trek" are good and wasted when this one is awarded so their feelings of pain and loss will be somewhat muted.

Costume Design

“Bright Star” Janet Patterson
“Coco before Chanel” Catherine Leterrier
“The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus” Monique Prudhomme
“Nine” Colleen Atwood
“The Young Victoria” Sandy Powell

PREDICTION: Please. The only costume design anyone really cares about is on the red carpet.

Makeup

“Il Divo” Aldo Signoretti and Vittorio Sodano
“Star Trek” Barney Burman, Mindy Hall and Joel Harlow
“The Young Victoria” Jon Henry Gordon and Jenny Shircore

PREDICTION: Hurray, "Star Trek" gets to win something else!

Foreign Language Film

“Ajami” Israel
“El Secreto de Sus Ojos” Argentina
“The Milk of Sorrow” Peru
“Un Prophète” France
“The White Ribbon” Germany

PREDICTION: Ukoliko može čitanje ovaj, te misliti odveć.

Documentary (Feature)

“Burma VJ” Anders Østergaard and Lise Lense-Møller
“The Cove” Nominees to be determined
“Food, Inc.” Robert Kenner and Elise Pearlstein
“The Most Dangerous Man in America: Daniel Ellsberg and the Pentagon Papers” Judith Ehrlich and Rick Goldsmith
“Which Way Home” Rebecca Cammisa

PREDICTION: What? I can't believe the ground-breaking "Desperate and Badly Photo Shop-ed Half-Naked Men" was snubbed!

Documentary (Short Subject)

“China’s Unnatural Disaster: The Tears of Sichuan Province” Jon Alpert and Matthew O’Neill
“The Last Campaign of Governor Booth Gardner” Daniel Junge and Henry Ansbacher
“The Last Truck: Closing of a GM Plant” Steven Bognar and Julia Reichert
“Music by Prudence” Roger Ross Williams and Elinor Burkett
“Rabbit à la Berlin” Bartek Konopka and Anna Wydra

PREDICTION: Oops, time to get a refill on those nachos.

Short Film (Animated)

“French Roast” Fabrice O. Joubert
“Granny O’Grimm’s Sleeping Beauty” Nicky Phelan and Darragh O’Connell
“The Lady and the Reaper (La Dama y la Muerte)” Javier Recio Gracia
“Logorama” Nicolas Schmerkin
“A Matter of Loaf and Death” Nick Park

PREDICTION: God, I love Nick Park.

Short Film (Live Action)

“The Door” Juanita Wilson and James Flynn
“Instead of Abracadabra” Patrik Eklund and Mathias Fjellström
“Kavi” Gregg Helvey
“Miracle Fish” Luke Doolan and Drew Bailey
“The New Tenants” Joachim Back and Tivi Magnusson

PREDICTION: Nothing can ever approach the majesty and simple raw beauty of "Pickle Surprise."

Music (Original Score)

“Avatar” James Horner
“Fantastic Mr. Fox” Alexandre Desplat
“The Hurt Locker” Marco Beltrami and Buck Sanders
“Sherlock Holmes” Hans Zimmer
“Up” Michael Giacchino

PREDICTION: Hey, when's the last time John Williams scored a movie? Freakin' slacker.

Music (Original Song)

“Almost There” from “The Princess and the Frog” Music and Lyric by Randy Newman
“Down in New Orleans” from “The Princess and the Frog” Music and Lyric by Randy Newman
“Loin de Paname” from “Paris 36” Music by Reinhardt Wagner Lyric by Frank Thomas
“Take It All” from “Nine” Music and Lyric by Maury Yeston
“The Weary Kind (Theme from Crazy Heart)” from “Crazy Heart” Music and Lyric by Ryan Bingham and T Bone Burnett

PREDICTION: Hmmmm, Maury Yeston vs. T Bone Burnett. If only this were held in NYC and not LA...

Well, there you have it folks. I hope this helpful guide will assist all of you in cleaning up big in your office and house party Oscar pools. No need to thank me.

Over Time

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 22:24:00 +0000

I don't know why this popped into my head, but maybe since the big 4-5 is looming in the distance (only 243 shopping days left!) I started thinking about cumulative numbers in my life.

For example, I have been wearing contact lenses for 30 years, and eyeglasses for seven years prior to that, and have gone through an estimated 80 pairs of contact lenses (at least) in that time.

I have maintained a fitness regimen of one kind or another for 26 years and have made an estimated 5,000 trips to the gym.

I have been practicing yoga for 13 years (Hey, it's my yoga bar mitzvah!) and have taken approximately 625 classes and attended 12 yoga retreats.

As a theater aficionado, I've attended an estimated 650 Broadway and Off-Broadway shows and seen an additional 100 non-professional productions. I've appeared in over 100 community theater productions as well, equaling about 800 individual performances.

I have been a licensed automobile driver for 27 years, meaning 61%, or nearly two thirds, of my life has been spent as a licensed driver. I've owned only two cars in that time, one for eight years and one for five years.

I have cared for over a dozen pets to date: nine cats, a dog, a hamster, a gerbil and a guinea pig. Some more successfully than others.

A few other factoids:

I have eaten over 48,000 meals

I have weighed the same (give or take five pounds) for the last 20 years

I have resided at 14 different addresses (not counting college)

I have held 13 different jobs, post-college, not counting inter-company promotions

I have ridden all but one of New York City's 24 different subway lines

And with this, I've written 1,520 blog posts.

Philly Get-together

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 04:41:00 +0000

So what was I doing in NJ on Sunday? Why, preparing to head down to Philadelphia on Monday, of course!

Josh and I had hatched plans with Bossy and VUBOQ to meet up in the city of brotherly love. Josh has Mondays off, VUBOQ gets alternate Mondays off, I had some vacation time to use up and Bossy....um....well, she kind of does whatever the fork she wants I guess.

So Monday morning, after I ~~pleaded~~, ~~begged~~, ~~threatened~~ gently shook him, Josh got up and we got ready to head down to Philly. After we swam out to the car (Oh, did I mention that there was a torrential downpour going on when we left?), we drove into town to get some breakfast and then we headed south. I can officially say that the drive was uneventful, as we did not get lost, have an accident or slip through an inter-dimensional portal into another universe. However driving in monsoon-like conditions with a not-very-effective windshield defroster isn't the most relaxing way to get from point A to point B.

None-the-less, with a minimum of swearing (regardless of what Josh may claim) we made it to Philly by noon, only about an hour behind schedule. But since that merely meant that VUBOQ and Bossy had to kill time by hanging in a bar, there were no complaints from them, or crisp consonants for that matter.

After a brief walk in the rapidly diminishing deluge, Josh and I met up with the others at this kinda fancy restaurant called Rouge where we also met Bossy's super-cool friends Lora and Allwyn! After a kinda expensive, and pseudo-boozy (for those of us who made it through more than one adult beverage) lunch, we did a little not-shopping at some absurdly priced stores, then we went looking for another bar, because some of us had some catching up to do. After a few false starts, we ended up at this place called Parc, which was like a French bistro.

Yeah, we are THAT sexy.

More cocktails were consumed and then more food was consumed, and then maybe some more cocktails and then suddenly it was 6PM and time to head back home. Good-byes were made and directions were given:

Oh sorry, let's try that again:

Ah. Much better.

With the weather no longer pissing down, it was much less stressful to drive back. That is if you weren't in the passenger seat of my car. Oh wait, did I say MY car? I meant, the car I borrowed from my parents. Which we had to return before my dad drove us to the train station to return to NYC.

Yeah, you read that right. Josh met the parents.

Thankfully only for ten minutes, though, since I got a little lost coming back and we only had a few minutes to chill before dashing over to the station in time to catch the train. Which was good because certain family relatives didn't have time to ask any embarrassing questions and all contact was vague but positive enough to create good first impressions on both sides.

Eventually we got home just before midnight, snuggled up, and drifted off to a well earned night's sleep.

Can't wait for the next time!

Wednesday Tent Pitch - Trashy Edition

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 04:00:00 +0000

Well guess who is over for a visit? It's Josh! And for this week's edition, I ~~forced~~ asked him to pick out the pictures for this week's selection. And here to tell you about them is Josh himself.

Okay...before I begin, lemme just say that deez ten fellowz below are not necessarily the studs that I find to be the most visually delicioso...they're simply the crew that I believed to be the least desperate outta the lot that Mr. David boxed me into a corner wiff. So...here goes nuffin'...

Jedidiah Witherspoon here is admiring the fantastico werk of his doctor after coming home from his circumcision @ the tender age of 25.

Famous boxer, Michael Batzamatza knocked the stars outta the airbrusher when the ho started to make him loooook a little too phony baloney.

Rising actor Lucas Fuzzington is seen here preparing for his soon-to-be-famous Stegosaurus love scene in the upcoming Jurassic Park 4.

Randy Lemonfresh and Leonard Buttongate first met back in 7th grade. Here they are at their 5th high school reunion where the dress code was apparently "Shirtless."

Randy Jackson after one more bout of heavy plastic surgery.

Paul Saltshaker was never a fan of horses. They keep him up @ night.

Diego Mumbletoes is seen here practicing his black belt karate moves. The power of his quads were strong enough to instantly melt his underooz the moment he began practicing.

Chad Clog is waiting 15 minutes after lunch before diving in for a rousing game of Marco Polo.

Jonathon Crandall Walnutcake refuses to release his bladder while swimming. He respects the hygiene of otherz, tank you berry much.

This is Dominic Hootenanie. He can be seen here modeling stainglass lamps during sexxx week on The Antiques Roadshow.

Well, there you have it folks. Hopefully now you have a clearer picture of Josh's relationship to the Tent Pitch. Thanks for stopping by!

Cats are Trashy

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 16:44:00 +0000

WTF, David? Is this turning into some kind of freakin' cat blog or something?

Chut uh! I had a rather busy weekend (what else is new) but it culminated with my heading down to Trashyland on Sunday evening to stay over with Josh at his casa grande in the hinterlands of south-central New Jersey. During my stay I had the opportunity to interact with the three lovable furballs that run the house.

If you read Josh's blog (and if not, whut iz wrong wiff u?) you are familiar with the wee felines that have a velociraptor's jaw-hold on his corazon.

First, there is the adorable Baberz (aka Boobaloon aka little Lune). You can't really appreciate from this photo how teeny this little man is. He is like a beanie baby - light as a feather and just a bundle of fuzzy love. He plopped right down in my lap upon my arrival Sunday evening. Soooo cute.

Next we have Mowgli (aka Moglarone). He is the king of the household and the pater familias of Baberz, although that apparently didn't stop him from trying to kill the little guy off when he was a kitten. Oh Dad, you're embarrassing me! He is also super-friendly but more of a loner.

Then we have Hermanita (aka I don't remember any of her nicknames). She is the queen of the household, and we all know that the queen is the more powerful of the chess pieces. While demure, she has no problem putting King Mowgli in his place. She is also the goddess of love and would surrender her kitty tummy to me at every available moment for a rub.

Here is the happy family sharing a lazy morning in the living room.

"Mom, stop fixing my hair! Why are you ruining my liiiiiiiiiife?!?!?!!"

And we know present the portrait "Madonna (aka P!nk, who is not funky and played out) and child"

Now, you may ask (really, you may, I'm totally cool with it) "David, why were you down in NJ on a Sunday night?" To which I would reply: "wait until the next post to find out!"

Wednesday Tent Pitch - Bedside Edition

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 16:40:00 +0000

Whew, I'm glad I got THAT out of my system for the time being. (Although I think Mike is right, and I will try and post more political and social observations going forward.)

Welcome to another delayed tent pitch post. I didn't get around to this yesterday (beyond my political ranting) for a variety of reasons. I had a major deadline at the office, after work I had a board meeting for one of the community theaters I volunteer with, and then I met up with Josh who was feeling rather under the weather by the end of the day. So instead of going to a restaurant, we headed directly home and I put him to bed with some tea and some mac-n-cheese. My poor baby slept almost the whole evening into this morning. He is a-bed even as we speak but thankfully on the mend.

As a tribute, this week's selections feature guys snuggled up in bed.

Fed Up

david@someoneinatree.com (David) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 17:03:00 +0000

I usually steer clear of politics on this blog because other people do it better and more consistently. But after the humiliating defeat in Massachusetts last night I have to say something or else my insides will explode.

I am sick to death that the Republican right wing continues to write the script of the American story. You would think that after eight torturous years of Republican domination and bullying, the Democratic leadership would have learned a lesson or two about controlling the message. But aside from a brief blip in 2008, our leadership continues to allow the Republicans to run roughshod over public opinion with their scare tactics:

- The healthcare reform is about "death panels" and "pulling the plug on grandma"

- Equal marriage rights for gays and lesbians is an "attack on the American family"

- Keeping government and our schools secular is a part of the "war on Christianity"

And they are winning with this.

I think too many of us got way too complacent when the country elected Barack Obama. Somehow this one victory meant that all the evil people would go away and Gandolf the White or somebody would wave his staff and in a whoosh of CGI all the attacks on equal rights and freedom of choice and free speech and an equal playing field would vanish.

I used to be squeamish about folks that used a broad paintbrush to draw a picture of those opposed to us. I didn't like it when people who didn't support marriage equality were called "haters." No more.

I don't care that you have a family member who is gay, that you have gay friends, that you support civil unions but you just feel that "marriage is between a man and a woman." Sorry, you are now officially a hater.

I don't care if you sympathize with people who are uninsured, but still believe that health insurance is a privilege and not a right. I don't care if you are just trying to be "fiscally conservative." You want poor people to die. That is who you are.

And that is how all of us, IMHO, need to proceed from now on if we are to get anything politically done. No more of this trying to consider the feelings and underlying motivations of our opponents. No, tar and feather them.

We need robocalls and we need signs with scary pronouncements about Christofascists. We need our representatives to make gross overstatements and repeat them over and over again, drowning out any and all arguments by our opponents. We need Barney Frank and Chuck Schumer and Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi to take vulnerable and wavering fellow politicians aside and threaten to derail any legislative projects they put forward if they don't follow the party line. You want money for public works? Then walk the walk or have a fucking bake sale.

We need to show up at the meetings of our local elected officials with signs and a bucket full of carefully crafted crazy. Is the meeting about zoning? Too bad, it just became about marriage equality and we are going to shout you down and shut down the meeting and get on CNN like those motherfucking teabaggers.

And I am talking to all of you. Put down the goddamn wii remote and read the papers and CARE about what is happening to this country. Because if you don't, you WILL be pledging allegiance to Jesus in a matter of years. You WILL be having back-alley abortions again. You WILL be fired because you are gay. Don't think for a second that it can't happen here. It already is.