On The Banking

Living in the past.

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Sat, 02 Jan 2010 07:07:00 +0000

The stake in your shorts is medium-rare !

This months Cycle Sport Mag highlights what the Italians have in their musettes.
Of course as part of the Cycling Weekly stable articles on food are no surprise, I firmly believe that the nations favourite weekly cycling magazine is positioning itself for a tilt at the slimming market, but I digress.
It seems that the Italians are pretty much old school, ride for an Italian team and you mid race feed will consist of a couple of cream cakes, a Mars bar and a bottle of water, occasionally there is a gel thrown in, but I suspect only if the swannies have found a few laying on the floor after the first feed.
The big question is why, I mean the benefits of Gels / Card/Protein mix drinks, energy bars etc etc are all out there for everyone to read, so why do supposidly 'professional' teams remain routed in the dark ages?
Well OK, maybe things aren't as bad as they used to be, I used to ride with a guy who grew up in Italy, his father told me that it was 'correct' for riders to have a little bottle of brandy in their back pockets and at the end of the race, knock it back to get a little extra gas for the sprint and you think modern sprints are crazy? Just imagine being in the middle of 50 pissed Italians all going full gas for the line. Apparently this was quite common across mainland Europe where each weekend thousands of bottles of cheap locally distilled fire water would be necked in an effort to emulate Darrigade and his chums.

As a coach poor mid race nutrition annoys me, but as a track coach poor race prep makes me apoplectic.
Turn up at any round of the world cup and indeed the world champs and you will see riders making their 200m efforts with a bog standard road helmet on their heads, WHY?
Which is more aero dynamic, a solid helmet, say a Casco Wrap, of a nice road helmet with plenty of nice head cooling slots that can trap the air and slow you down? The average road helmet can lose you 30 - 50 watts in your effort, so why not just start making your effort at 210 meters instead of 200, the effect will be the same, i.e. a complete waste of time.
All you need to do is look at who's currently using Casco Wraps on the track - GB, Aus, French & German sprinters. Now need I say any more, surely if you looked at that lot you might get the general idea that sticking a Wrap on your head could be worth while.

It seems that some teams are just being wilfully stupid here, why, when the research is out there, when the best in the world are doing it, would you continue to do what you've been doing for the last 120 years?

Time to stick a steak down your shorts for the race and have it medium rare at the dinner table that night.

.

At last - a way to stop dopers.

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 17:12:00 +0000

Pump up the juice.

You may or may not have caught up with the John Harty interview over on the mighty Bike Pure (and if you haven't - http://www.bikepure.org/dr_john_harty.html ).
But well worth a read, it really is.

In it Harty says
'The two main side effects of EPO are clotting (thrombosis) and high blood pressure. Of these the one we worry about daily is thrombosis. This happens as you administer EPO to the system, the number of red blood cells rise in the blood, and your blood effectively becomes thicker and more viscous, thus creating the conditions where the blood is likely to form clots.'

In other words take EPO and your blood turns to gloop. So surely that's the way to combat doping? Ditch all this 2 years bollox and make sure that caught dopes have a few months of extra EPO pumped into their systems - problem solved and what's more in these times of high unemployment it'll mean extra work for undertakers and grave diggers.

I will not use 'The Sky's the limit' as a headline, I will......

Oh dear, that young Wiggo Wiggins has left Garmin and moved over to the all new singin' n' dancin' team Sky.
Apparently there are bods out there who are outraged! Apparently the fact that Sky had money to burn and used it to buy one of the counties best bike races has been seen in some quarters a a terrible thing.
For God sakes, this cycling, since when has money not hold sway? Professional cycling was one of the first, if not the first, sports to sell it arse to the highest bidder?
As a sport we have NEVER had any qualms about buying and selling races for money. How many times has a potential traded a certain victory to a lesser rider on the promise of cold hard cash? Hundreds and bloody hundreds I can tell you.
How many times has one team bought the services of another in order to win a major stage race - plenty, or not, if you happen to be Peugeot and had Robert Millar in the lead of the Vuelta.

Suddenly there's supposed to be a shiny idealised past where races were won on pure athletic ability and nothing else - dream on.

A waste of newsprint.

This week I caught up with a couple of weeks of top quality cycling mags, well I caught up with Procycling, & Cycle sport, plent of time then over the holidasy to catch up with the doings of dopers.
Of course I read the interviews, I mean I enjoy getting myself worked up into a right old state when I could be doing something useful, like hitting myself over the head with a brick.
It was as I anticipated a total waste of time, it just confirmed the following:
Bernhard Kohl is a git
Basso is a twat
And Ricco just needs the living shite kicked out of him, on a regular basis, by a big crowd, all wearing steel caped boots.

Although out of all of this the mighty Cav became even more Mighty - Cav confessed that he want's to hit Ricco and who are we to disagree with the great Cavster? More power to his right hook I say.

.

I don't care who's it is, it's floating.

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Fri, 27 Nov 2009 14:05:00 +0000

Who's got clean balls?

Glad to see CONI (Italian Olympic doh dah peeps) have decided to sue Rebellin for being a cheating git, Good. Lets hope that they're successful. In addition they want the 75,000 Euros he got for winning a silver back. It's about time scum cheats get hit in the pocket, I was going to say 'get hit where it hurts' but lets face it, if they haven't got the balls to race clean, they haven't got balls for you to kick.

And in Spain another doping ring has been uncovered, this one's called Operation Grial. What the fuck do they want a new anti doping operation for? They haven't finished the first one yet, greedy bastards.
Why don't they combine the two, Operation Puerto-Grail could then vanish up it's own arse, which would no doubt make a lot of people happy. Currently 12 people are being questioned and if we look at the form of the Spanish law we can expect exactly 0 people to be locked up.

And if there was any doubt about who kicks doper arse you only have to go back to Italy to see Gianna da Ros sobbing in the corner after being handed a 20 year ban. Wow, how great is that? Just think how much better the world would be if all the fuckers that doped over the last decade were banned to 20 years.

Once a floater, always a floater.

Jesus Christ, does a bloody week ever go by without Schumacher and his lawyer shooting their mouths off in public? This week Schumachers lawyer claimed that CAS decision to ban Claudia Pechsteinfor having irregular blood values, not I should add for actually failing a test, was “a witch hunt” and would inevitably mean that his lovely client would now almost certainly be banned.
Now you could argue the Pechsteinfor case long into the night, but IMHO guilty or not she has obviously been banned just to piss off Schumacher and his poxey lawyer chum. Which kind of makes it more than acceptable if you ask me.

And so David Kopp has almost served his 12 months ban (administered only this week) and will beck riding at the end of the year. And what was Kopps heinous crime? Shoving the Columbian nose powder up hi hooter like there's no tomorrow apparently. So, er, here's the bit I don't get, Boonen ! Both have powdered their nose and both have done it in Belgium, so er.... right, me neither.

Oh you little ray of sunshine

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:02:00 +0000

Back on that track, right?

Amongst the many and obvious highlights of this last weekends World Cup at Manchester were the return to the boards of a couple of 'old faces'.
Andy Tennant in the team pursuit and Matt Brammeier in the points and scratch, both have spent a couple of years in the proverbial cycling wilderness. Now I don't know where this wilderness is, but it must be bloody crowded, there seems to be a continual stream of cyclists in and out of it, but Andy and Matt have escaped and it was great to see them back in action.

Both are ex members of the BC academy, Andy had been a junior world champion, whilst Matt was in the first group of riders to join Rod Ellingworths 'boot camp', that first flowering at the academy included both Ed Clancy and Mark Cavendish, so just think yourself lucky that you were too old and too crap to ride with that lot.

Both had suffered illness & injury and whilst lesser riders would have thrown in the towel they continued riding and hopefully both have come through their dark night. And man did they come back in style? Andy rode to the 2nd fastest TP time ever and Matt whilst looking totally knackered showed that all those months riding the boards at Manchester were not wasted as he showed great positional sense and timing of a natural racer to make the winning break and come in 4th, a great result for him and a great result for the Irish team.

Oh and whilst I'm on the subject it was great to see a decent size Irish squad, riders in the womens points and scratch, riders in the mens points and scratch, riders in the IP and a TP squad. Come on, built a track in Dublin guys.

Didn't see that one coming did you!

Cadel Evans wins the worlds, how unexpected was that? Well, maybe not as unexpected as you would think, Cadel was clearly in stonking form after Spain and if the Gods of cycling were awake then he would have won his first GT. Sadly the curse of the English speaker befell him, but he was clearly on great form. So a top 10 place would have been a decent bet, but it's Cadel, come on Cadel would have to attack to win the worlds and well, you know, it's Cadel, right?
Well wrong, I for one was cheering and shouting at the screen when he went and IMHO it was a totally brilliant win, Cadel backed himself and proved that he is a winner, it was a great result and one I thoroughly enjoyed - Thank you Cadel, it brought a big smile to my day.

So, how many of you were surprised when he pitched up at BMC? Almost as many I'd guess, we all knew that Lotto wasn't the best team for Cadel so a move was always on the cards. The problem with Lotto was that they had a potential GT winner on their books but with a couple of exceptions the team was built for Spring Rain and not Summer Sun.
Signing Cadel was an odd move, I mean how can you sign a GT podium rider and not pack the team with climbers and TTT fast boys? No I don't know either, and it appears neither did Cadel or the Lotto management and as a result Cadel spent too many years lacking the support that he needed. So good luck at BMC Cadel, lets hope they get a few skinny blokes on their books to keep you company when the road goes up.

.

A plastic bottle cider and a packet of nuts.

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 21:32:00 +0000

Sod me, the bloody UCI are at it again, non?

So the UCI and AFLD are at each others throats again, each claiming that the other is shit and couldn't run a doping control if their life depended on it.
According to the AFLD the UCI testers were far from discrete at this years Le Tour. apparently their secret arrival at team hotels were heralded with the sound of klaxon and the man from the UCI shouting down a megaphone 'We're here for your blood, we're here for your blood', of course the UCI have responded with the claim that AFLD only took blood from hotel waiters and chambermaids.
Now I think the AFLD must be confusing the UCI with some other dope testing organisation, perhaps some other organisation who at a recent world masters in OZ selected a medal winning rider for testing, only to change their mind and go and find someone else when said rider couldn't find their racing license or any proof or identity.

Bend over and feel the force!

Still Uncle Pat is all for equality with in the sport, so it's inevitable that riders and fans should all get shafted in a fair and equal manner.

The UCI have excelled themselves this year, their recommendation to make changes to the Olympic track programme is sanctimoniously brilliant and a load of bollocks.
Obviously women and men should have exactly the same events, so why has it taken the IOC and the UCI this bloody long to realise this and do something about it?
But instead of expanding the programme we lose as many events as we gain and this a is apparently good for our sport.

But never mind, Uncle Pat has announced this is because 'people want to see exciting racing' so out goes the individual pursuit and in comes the Omnium. The IP was pretty straight forward wasn't it? I mean I don't have a PHd, but I could grasp it, everyone rides and the fastest 4 go into the medal ride offs, rider against rider, fastest wins, er pretty simple that. So that's out and the Omnium is in, even I dont' know what events will make up the fecking Omnium and I spend most of my waking hours at the bloody track, how the hell is Joe and Josephine public going to get excited by that?

Never mind though, because even though the brave new world now contains the Omnium the UCI have failed to include it in this years world cup. Christ you can tell Uncle Pat is not a trackhead, you really can, he obviously thinks that by somehow having a single event made up of a points race, a scratch, an IP, a Kilo and a 200, he is somehow sneaking a whole load of extra events into the Olympics without the IOC realising what's going on

Having the Omnium in and the IP out is a bit like the Athletics losing the 400m because there's a 400m in the decathlon. Brilliant.

I'm so excited, I'm so excited.

No really I am, riders leaving teams and going to other teams, sponsors leaving the sport and sponsors coming into the sport, riders getting banned for doping and riders getting unbanned for doping. It's really been a poor year fro those of us with a psychotic hatred of dopers. Now I don't mean that the 52 or so that have been caught with their pants down and the proverbial up their jacksey, oh no any doper getting caught is IMHO a bloody good thing. No, what's pissed me off is the feckers keep coming back, yes, yes I know they have served their time, I know they are all innocent and I know that it was all a mistake. But it really is taking the fecking piss when vinokourov, chicken boy and that twat Ricco are all either back with us or on their way. For some reason this unholy trio repulse me even more than Schumacher and Kohl. Still 52 this year, that's a bus full.

A bus full, what's he on about? Well, I used to work with a guy who when someone pissed him off would return to the office and say 'they're on the bus'. One day I asked him what this meant and I received the following explanation, a bus / coach has 52 seats on average, when someone pissed him off he would imagine them sitting comfortably on the bus and when he had a bus full he would imagine it plunging over a 200 metre drop and crashing onto the rocks below killing all inside.
Now whenever I read of another dopeer twat being caught I reserve them a place on the bus.

.

Cadel Evans - My part in his glory

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 06:28:00 +0000

I like Cadel Evans, there I've said it.

It's 1988, I'm in Katherine, a small town in Australia's Northern Territory, I'd gone there to paddle a boat down the Katherine gorge. I spent a few days there and I'd spend each night in a (the only?) local pizza place, eating pizza and getting wasted on the local brews. Now this happen to coincide with the Tour stage win by a certain Sean Yates and each night would see me holding forth with a great passion about the wonders of cycling and how the locals should embrace their true sporting heroes. Forget Alan Border and Wally Lewis, no Phil Anderson, Alan Piper, Hubert Opperman, Danny Clark and Dunc Gray where the men their kids should look up to. I like to think that my polemic encouraged a certain Cadel Evans to take up the sport seriously and whilst I have no proof of this I think it's far too much of a coincidence to ignore.

What a difference a day makes.

What a day for a day dreaming boy...... Cadel Evans, love him or hate him, you certainly can't ignore him - cos if you do he'll slap your legs. Cadel has got where he is today through the brilliantly pushing to his limit and perfect timing or following wheels and not attacking, take your pick. Me I'm a fan, I'll always give Cadel a shout, sorry, that should read I'll always give Cadel a shout of encouragement, I reserve shouts of abuse for other riders.
I love it when Cadel gets called for being crap, now a Tour podium is not a sign of being crap is it? In my book it's either a sign of class and dedicated training or a sign of too many visits to the doctors, In Cadels case it's class and dedication if you ask me.
And anyway, putting his riding style aside, how can you not love a man who threatens to chop of a jurno head for stepping on his dog? How can you not warm to someone who walks into a press conference, throws his smashed helmet on the table and says 'there's your interview'.

Poor Ned...

My favourite Cadelism was an interview with Ned Boulting. After a good stage ride poor Ned interviewed Cadel and said 'People are now talking of you as a favourite' to which Cadel replied 'Only now eh...' with a look which said 'have you written a will?' . Class, just class.
Poor Ned, I think they must sit around in the ITV4 trailer picking which rider is most pissed off by the stage and then send Ned out to interview them, no wonder he looks happier at the Tour de Britain, the locals are so much more friendly.

.

Mistakes? I've made a few.

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 07:13:00 +0000

21 Months, why it seem like only yesterday.

We all make mistakes, we are after all human.
Amongst the mistakes I've made over the last couple of years have been, not tightening the stem on my training bike and going arse over head on the first hill I climbed, entering a bike race, entering a bike race that had a hill in it, etc etc. It's a reasonably long list, But to be honest I don't feel the need to apologise for any of them.

So imagine my surprise when Thomas 'Double' Dekker Admits after his B sample is positive that he ' regrets his mistake' and 'will apologise and be held accountable, where possible.'
How, just how is sticking a needle up your arse a mistake? What were you trying to hit that your aim was so poor you bent over, dropped you pants and as a result needle met crack? Thank God Thomas wasn't a javelin thrower or there would have been a few deaths by now.

Oh and this 'where possible' what the fuck does that mean? More crap doper double speak designed to wimp-out of naming names and helping to bring suppliers to the courts.
21 months, 21 months is the time from the sample being taken to the result of the B test being made public. Still not to worry, the UCI have it all under control and the dopers are on the run.

Two up, Two down.

Now far be it from me to sound of against the UCI or criticise the 'war on doping' or in anyway rant on in a negative, sarcastic and cynical way BUT. BBox & Cofidis get relegated from the Pro-Tour. So relegation to the lower division of cycling? What does this mean? Loss of a TdF place? Nope? Loss of a place at any other event run by ASO? Probably not, they are after all French. But lets for a moment suppose that the teams relegated weren't French what then? Pressure form a sponsor, pressure from the management? pressure from their home nations press? pressure on riders? pressure on coaches? pressure on doctors? Pressure to dope in order to get the wins that guarantee the points that guarantee a place at the top table?

.

4 more years, 4 more years, 4 more years

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:04:00 +0000

Cycling - really popular now - apparently.

Back in the arse end of the 80's football became popular. Well I say popular but let me quantify that. The arrival of the fanzine culture, the utterances of various footy loving 'beat combos' and the acceptance of football by certain 'media' types saw celebrity after celebrity jumping on the round ball bandwagon.
'Thank God that'll never happen to the worlds greatest sport' I stupidly thought. But suddenly the world of celebrity is queueing up to be seen on a bike and to admit a fondness for drilling out the chainring on their early 80's TT bike. First there was that bloke out of Spandu Ballet and then there was someone else I can't be arsed to remember, not to mention sever people I've never heard of. (I should point out that the only people I've heard of are cyclists).

I don't know much about cycling, but I know what I like!

Of course alongside this the filthy stain ridden scum that is your daily press has started pronouncing on all matter bike related. Sir Chris wins a bit of bling and suddenly every two bob hack in grub street is an expert on race tactics and power outputs.
This year has seen a level bollocks talked by the national press in relation to cycling reach an all time high. OK there have been many good and insightful articles, but there has been just as much codswallop.

The performances of various GB teams at worlds this year has for me highlighted who should be kept on the payroll and who should be offered retraining. First up the track worlds, GB finished 3rd in the medal table, with ten gongs, a couple of rainbows and a team consisting of young riders, riders in different events and a few old stagers (is it legal to call Queen Victoria an old stager? I doubt it - sorry) Any way the press almost to a slavering dog labelled the whole thing a failure. And so to the road worlds, again labelled a failure. But why? 4th in the U23, Emma sprinting for 5th (and I know Emma's no sprinter), Wiggos flato when chasing bronzeo and a lot learned in terms of operating a full squad.
So failure then? Not from my patch on the road side, but even if it was a failure there is still an issue here, and for me that is the lack of understanding about our sport and the tactics involved. I wouldn't be so bold as to pass comment on the tactics employed at a football match and yet it would seem that suddenly the world is awash with armchair DS's, what are they called? Monday morning coaches?

And talking of tossers.....

Have I ever told you about the UCI? . It seems that the land that sanity forgot - Ch. de la Mêlée 12, is again awash with brilliant ideas for revitalising our great sport. The IOC (more of them later) have said that cycling can keep it's 10 track events, but must introduce parity between the mens and womens events. The parity bit is brilliant new, it's about time women had the same opportunities as men, but hang on just a tyre pumping minute. The loss of track endurance? How does that work then? Well the UCI's argument is that the endurance riders have 'The Road' and they can bugger off and play there. I will now talk v e r y s l o w l y just incase anyone from the UCI is listening. Different ok, preparation for a road event is different from preparation from a track endurance event. Cancellara? TT yes, road race yes, Individual pursuit no, AC? (that Alberto Contador, not AC fromoperation Puerto) Road race, maybe, TT maybe, track endurance - no, Wiggo Wiggins? yes to all of em, just not at the same time. The point is similar base yes, road endurance, aerobic endurance supporting track endurance yes, but specifically in he same event cycle, at the same Olympics no.

Parity my arse.

Oh and this parity you speak of, it only works if the women's road scene is comparable to the men's road scene. It is clearly not. So Lizzy Armitstead no points and scratch race to fulfil your Olympic dreams, never mind you can go and ride the amazing range of road events that are open to women.
Oh, range of events not so amazing? Never mind I'm sure Uncle Pat has a plan to vitalise womens road racing.

The IOC - that body that insists all sports sign up to athlete whereabouts programmes and stringent anti-doping activities and yet does screw all when they don't, that's screw all except pretend that the rules and requirements never existed. The IOC Claim that staging the Olympics is expensive and numbers of athletes muct be kept to a minimum, totally valid point. But hang on, won't the riders that ride the Team Pursuit also contest the Individual as well? Won't the riders that make up the TP squad also be up for a little light points racing? Just as the argument for cutting the Kilo and 500 showed the IOC's complete lack of understanding of which athletes ride which events (as well as the UCI's lack of moral fibre - wasn't LMF a reason to go in front of a fireing squad during WW1?) the cutting of track endurance shows a similar level of blind ignorance & cowardice.

And another thing whilst I'm in full rant mode, changing the requirements for Olympic events 13 months into a cycle is not the brightest of things is it? Training and long term planning - Rewrite it! Sponsorship deals and Government finance - Redistribute it! Athlete hopes and dreams - screw it!

.

Wiggo to ride a bike next year - official

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 11:28:00 +0000

After much twittering and frowning I can exclusivity reveal that Brad 'Wiggo' Wiggins will spend next year riding a bike. Er, that's about it I'm afraid, sorry.
But lets be honest I'm not losing sleep over it, I only tell you this because it seems that some people are, and if your one of them, never mind, I'm off to the life shop soon, I'll make sure I pick one up for you.

Are you ready for the Shack?

Personally I couldn't give a toss one way or the other. Teams come and go and the only thing I ever remember is what the jersey looked like and how many dope tests they failed. But I have to admit I have been following the Sky signings saga with a little more than a passing interest. Now I don't know if this is due to it being touted as a British team, or because of my wearyness that soon all bike races will disappear up the dish or indeed because I'm excited by their anti doping policy, but what ever the reason I've been trawling the web for news on regularly sad and obsessive basis. Of course my excitement could well fade as we find out what make of bike they will ride and what the jersey will look like, but so far so good.

I have mused about riders being linked to Sky and then turning up in other squads. Why could this possibly be, could rumours on the web all be bollocks? Could journalists guesses be wrong? Is the money on offer just too much? Did Sky's request to see all blood passport data, other tests results etc. put some riders off?

And talking of being put off....

Vuelta, Vuelta, Vuelta, Fridge, Fridge, Fridge

Over in Spain fridge manufacturers report a surge in demand as the public, inspired by the fine Work of Alejandro Valverde, rush out to buy the product he has so famously endorsed.

Sadly poor Alexandre Vinokourov drops out sighting fatigue as the cause. How sad, if only there was a product available that would help combat fatigue, maybe something he could keep in a fridge to stop it going off.
And so to Basso, who has stopped thinking about doping..............

.

When I asked for a blood sample.......

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Tue, 18 Aug 2009 08:51:00 +0000

Cycling it would seem is not the only sport where madness is high on the agenda, Rugby Union also seems to clock up it's fair share of strange events. Dean Richards of Harlequins has been banned from coaching for 3 years for his part in a 'fake blood scandal'. Of course Rugby Union is nowhere as good a sport as cycling and this 'scandal' is proof positive.
Fake blood? Fake bloody blood? Bloody fake fakey bloody blood? Call that a scandal, in cycling we don't mess about with fake blood we use the real thing, gallons of it, your own blood, someone else's blood, blood from a fridge, blood from a clinic, blood from a Spanish doctor. And we don't just splash a few drops on or lower lips on no, we mix it with anything we can get our hands on, EPO, CERA, Testosterone, speed, recovery drink, coffee, lard, sometimes we mix the whole lot together and down a few pints before the morning training run. Fake blood my arse, call that a scandal?

Latest transfer news.

It's been confirmed that AC (That's Alberto Contador not AC from operation Puerto) is not moving teams, that is unless he moves teams. He will apparently stay at Astana and ride as personal assistant to the proudest son of Kazakhstan Alexander 'Me? I've just been on holiday for 2 years' Vinokourov.
Brilliant, if ever there's a contract that someone wishes he hadn't signed it must be Contadors, it was all going swimmingly, there he was main man in a team funded out of a county that had been put on the map by having the piss taken out of it. Still, he was number one and then? And then it all went wrong, up comes Lancey Boy and suddenly AC (That's Alberto Contador not AC from operation Puerto) is a number 2 and then just as he was thinking about leaving for pastures new some damn cycling official waves a contract under his nose and mutters something about carring water for Vinokourov (who as we all know only wins on water).
His only hope now is that Vlad the impaler gets a global ban, and gets sacked and thus allows C d'E to free up enough cash to buy him out of his contract.

.

What if Sky don't sign you ?

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 07:34:00 +0000

Time to raise the anti-doping bar.

Team Sky are rightly proud of the research they are doing into riders backgrounds and their test results / blood passport numbers before signing them. So if a rider signs for them we can make an assumption that they are pretty damn clean.
But what of the riders they don't sign? Is it a sign that the rider in question has something to hide? Is it a sign that their passport is ever so slightly stained? Is it a sign that they owned up to something under Big Daves thorough cross examination?
Have Sky raised the bar in the anti-doping fight? In the future will suspicion now fall not on riders that produce unexpected performances but on riders that reach the end of a contract and don't sign for Sky? Will it be a question of They didn't sign for Sky, therefore they must have 'issues'!

What is more interesting is will other teams follow suit, indeed will Garmins actions in posting the power and blood values of their riders especially VDV and Wiggo set another new trend? Teams may talk about transparency, which is of course just talk, and do sod all about that transparency. So it's gratifying to see that Sky and Garmin are both putting their money where their mouths are, it's about time other teams followed suit, indeed it's about time that the UCI requested open publication of riders power and blood results as a pre-requisite for all future team licenses. I fully accept that this would require the UCI excreting some kind of authority over and above their usual level of rhetoric, but maybe they could be forced to play catch up here? Or maybe they could just go on holiday as per......

More Kohl cobblers.

It's been a good few weeks since twatty face Kohl as been in the news. But he's back now with more dope fuelled revelations. As with all his utterances there is a sad air of inevitability about them. I'm not in the least bit surprised at the latest one's, that is, that his manager Stefan Matschiner bribed anti doping labs to find out the exact level at which doping products could be detected, thus allowing the needle to go into the arse at just under the point where it would show as positive. What I'm interested to know is what the UCI are doing with all this information, Are they formulating new policy based on it? Looking at the work done in the labs called into question? Looking at the scientists involved and not just the labs? Attempting to findout if any other teams are up to the same tricks? Cos if one's doing it you can bet your bttom btacket that they're not alone. Ary they sharing any information wiht national anti doping bodies, the IOC, the police? I would be more than a little surprised if the answer to any of these question was yes.

Other sports - more shocking revelations.

Having recently wondered out loud about the point of other sports and making the case for turning their venues over to cycling events I was more than a little alarmed to find out that some sports are still living in the dark ages, er, not.

It would appear that the England cricket team have had players injured playing football! Note the word player, for me that implys certain things, it implys an armature approach and a certain lack of commitment. Anyway, someone or the other has got injured playing football as part of their warm up routine for cricket. Er, different sports, different biomechanical actions, different, though admittedly similar physoligical requirements, different kit and therefore technique, etc etc. As a cycling coach if one of my riders wanted to warm up for a road race by, say, going for a run, playing football or riding a BMX I'd say a big no. So what gives with cricket? Ah yes, players not competitors.
Is it perhaps a coincidence that the sports where GB excels / does well in, cycling, rowing, possibly swimming are the sports that have a scientific apprach to preparation, warm up and competition. In other words sports that are professional in attitude and approach not just in name.

.

An inglorious return

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 16:57:00 +0000

Well after a whole month of excessive coaching stuff, riders at champs, courses and even a little 'real world' work I'm back at the coal face of ill judged ranting and semi libelous cynicism.

Mind you my return is in no way as inglorious as Vinokourovs, back and back to his winning ways. I've no idea if his winning is in any way connected to his old ways or to new ways, but there you go, he's back.
He's talking joining Astana and Caisse d'Eparhne are talking 2nd sponsor to get Contador into the black. I mean why not, they've been riding for him all year and AC (That's Alberto Contador, not AC from Operation Puerto) has probable had enough of being tossed around at Astana, one day he was a number one and the next Lancey boy turned up, turned in a more than decent ride and then rode off with most of the team, and oh, he didn't get paid for a few months. Me thinks that if someone was to offer C d'E a tenner he'd be off.

BTW Vinokourov said "I wanted to go to all out. My goal was to test myself" - well I guess he knows all about testing.

And you thought the UCI were stupid!

Now I know I have, on occasion, let rip in the direction of the UCI, however, I should like to point out that the UCI are in no way better or worse than any other international governing body. A few weeks ago we had the world swimming champs and with it a slew of world records that is second only to the records set on the day 'Records began' (as in today was the wettest day since records begain). And was it all down to extra super training? nope, was it all down to new super 'juice'? - oh no, it was down to super fast costumes, made of I don't know what (and can't be arsed to find out) they allowed hundredths, tenths, seconds and in some cases days to be slashed of previous records. This of course caused much uproar, were they fair? Was technology taking over from good old fashioned hard work? Who was to blame? Needless to say FINA acted with UCI like efficiency and banned the suits, from next year, but hey they did something.
Not only did they ban them, but they issued an instruction that all future suits should be made from and get this, made from 'material' ! Genius, pure UCI genius. What the bloody hell are they made from now? Cabbages?

Le Tour de 2010, 78 teams apparently.

So, Le Tour is over and like all good soaps next years has started in earnest. Speculation about who will and who won't be there is building to such a crescendo that I can hardly stay awake. Apparently there will be a restriction on the number of teams with 20 being ASO preferred guess. Meanwhile there will be 3 new Radio Shack, Team Sky and team 'Is Sean Kelly still riding for them' along with the current 18 lucky recipients of the UCI's largess that, if my maths is correct is 21 and as we all know from school 21 will not fit into 20.
But you know what, this is cycling and we love nothing better than cold hard cash and cold hard publicity, Shack have Lancey boy and Sky has, well Sky has the worlds biggest media machine, Big Dave Brailsford and his meticulous planning and a super strong anti-doping policy, so they're riding then. Skill then? Well they had a decent Tour this year, not coming away with much, but aggressive and on the TV in a lot of breaks. And when compared to the pathetic showing from Lampre they look to be a shoe in.

But race day is still many months away, time for riders to change teams, time for twats to get busted and time for someone to win the odd race (The tour of Poland,that's an odd race). I suspect we will have a classic compromise and see all 21 on the start line. Still there's still time for a name or 2 to fall foul of the testers and spare eveyones blushes.

.

French do well at Tour de France shock!

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 14:05:00 +0000

Amazing isn't it.

A week and a bit in, a French team in yellow and three stage wins by Frenchmen, that's riders born in France, who hold real French passports and everything.
Just imagine the odds you'd have got on that 10 days ago?

4 more years, 4 more years, 4 more years.

Is the chant as Uncle Pat is re-elected to the post of 'Man behind the desk' at the UCI.
“I think it’s healthy that there’s only one candidate as it shows that the other continents outside of Europe are satisfied with how the UCI is working, and that the most important continent, Europe, is also satisfied and doesn’t want division,” Says Uncle Pat.
Well that's one way of looking at it, there is, as always an alternative view. Lets say you're walking along the street and you see a man with a dog, the dog stops, squats down and deposits a giant steaming turn on the pavement. Do you rush up to the owner saying 'Here, mate, let me pick up that giant steaming turd .' or do you walk past shaking your head and thinking 'rather you than me'. IMHO that's pretty much the situation with world cycling, it's steaming a bit and no one will go near it except for the dog owner.

Oh and since when has having only one candidate been healthy?

Radio is cleaning up the nation. They say you'd better listen to the voice of reason, but they don't give you any choice cos they think that's it is treason.

Or so sang Mr Elvis Costello. And so said Mr Johan Bruyneel. Didn't the teams agree to the two no radio days a month or so back? So why wait until the Tour has actually started to get teams to sign a petition? Would it not have been possible to start a discussion back in June when the radioless days were initially announced and then by all means if there was a stalemate and teams / riders were still unhappy, then stage a protest?
That would have seen the sensible option, but this is cycling and the sensible option is often a foreign country. So Bruyneel runs around the night before the stage with a sheet of A4 getting team managers to sign on the dotted line, well that's good use of the time of one of the worlds most powerful managers.

But of course the event wasn't handled well by anybody, as usual cycling officialdom seems unable to start a coherent dialogue with anyone and planning and communication don't seem to enter their minds. Meanwhile there are knee jerk reactions and protests in response. This whole affair should have been in discussion from the start of the season, or last season or whenever, there should have been meetings and the case for and against radios should have been made and being cycling a compromise would have been reached. Instead though we have the riders getting an extra days recovery (I doubt they mind) and the sport looks like a fool in the eye's of the worlds press.

This is exactly the reason why having only one candidate for Uncle Pats job is a bad idea.

.

Rest Day is the best day to talk bollocks

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 06:13:00 +0000

Monday - a day to put your feet up, a day to spin out those legs with a few easy miles, a day to talk to the press and tell them how great you are, how much your team loves you, a day to tell the world how great you are, a day to smile at the press and a day to tell the universe how great you are.

Do it yourself Tour de France Press conference.
Can't make it to a Tour press conference? Here's my own 'cut out and keep' DIY make your own press conference kit. Just sit down opposite you favourite invisible friend and utter some of the following phrases for that full Tour press fest effect.

There is no disharmony in the team
We are riding for each other
The best rider will be team leader
I'm feeling strong
I'm coming back next year
I may not win but I'm coming back next year
I will overcome any disharmony to finish strongly and come back next year
With my own team
That will do exactly as the management, sorry, as I say
And they won't ask any questions
And now if you could please form a queue
It's kissy kissy time

Next year you'll want one of these, no seriously you will.

This is a bicycle, a bicycle made by Giant, a bicycle approved by the UCI.

Well the first 2 statements are true. The third is open to question, Giant have said it's approved by the UCI, but the question is who did they ask? Cos you can bet you bottom Euro that if they'd have asked two members of the UCI technical committee they would have got 2 different answers. Still, it's a beauty eh?
Oh you think not?
Pierre-Henri Medas, Giant’s Global Road Category Manager says: “..the bike would be built solely for function, without concern about design aesthetics." So let's get one thing straight here, Giant have a job title that is Global Road Category Manager? Is that one of those management jobs where they stuck a load of words in a hat, pulled a few out at random and bingo, that's your job title?

Now it's all well and good making a bike that is built for function, but come on, for the average punter, the average weekend warrior function doesn't really come into it.
As long as it's basically bike shape we're happy. Function and UCI approval fall a long way behind aesthetics. What's the point of having a bike that is so functional that other cyclists piss them selves laughing when you ride by? What's the point of having a bike so functional that you develop the nickname 'twatty' as a result of riding it? What's the point of having a bike that's so ugly that you're embarrassed to be seen riding it? What's the point of having a bike that you don't want to shag?

Surely the only consideration when buying a bike is what does it look like? Colour, aesthetic lines, angles and finish are the only things that matter.
Oh and there are a few other points as well here.
One: if you're crap at TTing, you will still be crap, perhaps a couple of seconds faster, but still crap.
Two: If you don't train properly ie. specifically for your TT event then it ain't gonna make a dead fish of a difference what you ride.
Three: Giant say: it 'puts the rider in the most aerodynamic position of any bike currenly on the market'. Er no, sorry, but no! A bike will not put a rider in the most aerodynamic position it may well allow a rider to attain the best aero position for them, but that's it. If you want a great aero position get into a wind tunnel, or employ a good coach. The assumption from Giant is that low is best, low = faster. Well not always. You can get low, but if you have a curved back and you get too low you will disrupt the air flow and actually get more drag (ie. go slower) that if you had a more upright position.

Any news on the Sky team?

Er not yet

.

Whatever happened to Cycling dot TV?

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Sun, 12 Jul 2009 09:40:00 +0000

Now it's not beta it's turned to shit!

Are you feeling old? Do you sit around with you're mates and talk about the good old days? Do you reminisce about the bikes you rode and the races you watched? Do you hark back to a time when Cycling dot TV actually showed bike races and didn't seem to exist solely to take the piss?

I've always had a love hate relationship with CTV, I've loved the fact that I could watch bike races that I might not otherwise get to see (not having a satellite dish) and I've loved the cometary team (when Duffield wasn't included).
I've hated the way way it was difficult to find races on the back catalogue, hated the way the search function simply didn't work and hated the way Ivan Basso was continually trying to sell me a sodding Canondale.

But now all the love has gone, flushed away like EPO down the toilet when the testers come a'calling. So what's gone wrong? Well it seemed to start this year, suddenly races that used to be available were 'not available in your country'.
Each week I'd get an email telling me that exciting Pro Tour races were available and all I had to do was click on the link and log on. Except when I did click on the link and log on I got the 'not available in your country' tag. Now they know which country I live in, they have my membership details but they still send me emails telling me that the world of Pro cycling was just a click away, providing I change country that is.

Of course it is worth pointing out that the 'not available in your country' tag doesn't appear until you've wasted 20 seconds of your life watching one of their adverts :)

So what races are available? Well you have to go back to April to find anything that is available in my country. May? Nope, June? Don't think so, July? It's an empty cupboard. And don't bother looking ahead either, the upcoming events tab on the site is as empty as a Spanish fridge after the dope testers have visited.

Still, more fool me, pay out for 12 months of bike racing and get 7. Still more fool CTV - subscription cancelled and blog posts advising everyone else to do the same.

.

YES it's an irregular course, its a bike RACE

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Wed, 08 Jul 2009 06:16:00 +0000

Looks like the toys have been thrown out of the pram again.

One of the records broken this year has been the record for riders complaining about race routes. As with so much in pro cycling Lancey boy kicked of the latest trend by complaining that various elements of the Giro course were too steep too ride down, too twisty and turney and littered with burnt out cars. And yesterday at El Tour de la France there was complaints about the TTT course that to be honest amounted to the biggest level of toys out of the pram bollocks I've ever come across.
We have bikes worth 10,000 Euro, and in the end we can't use them properly because we're just busy trying to hold balance instead of putting our power on the pedals, Said Jens V, now I'm a huge fan of the Jenster, he's an outstanding rider, but come on Jens lighten up.
A TTT course should be about racing as a team, about cohesion, tactics and IMHO about bike handling skills as that team in a variety of conditions. I'm from the UK and I am not a tester and every time I see a long straight dead flat TT course my blood runs cold, so maybe I'm biased, ah well....
Oh, 10,000 bikes, maybe they were too expensive? Maybe not the right bit of kit? I dunno, next time try a 7005 / 105 combo :)

Indeed Lancey boys point about dangerous corners at the Giro may have been valid, sharp corners on a downhill are a risk, but the question is, are they an acceptable risk? I have no idea to be honest, but any turn in the road that's not up hill can be a risk if you're racing on the edge, if you're pushing it to make or take time. So lets get the men in their fluro tabards with tape measures and speed guns stopping the peloton every Kilo to make sure there there's no danger.

.

Boy Racer and other tales.

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 09:05:00 +0000

Boy racer by name, boy racer by nature.

The mighty Cav's first foray into the land of Shakespeare and Chekhov is 'Boy Racer' now whilst no one turns into a donkey (though I suspect that there are some Cav would wish that on) and whilst it will never be claimed a literary classic it is a bloody good read (as they say).
I had a concern that it may well have been edited or ghosted to a point where what you got was far removed from what you wanted, ie full on Cavness. But no worries on that score, like it's author it delivers and what it delivers is highly entertaining.
It's genuine Cav, straight talking, open honest, heart on the sleeve stuff. You won't learn anything new, well you might learn a bit about some inter BC relationships, which may or may not count, but what you will get is highly entertaining. Cav is what the popular press call 'a character' and this book is full of that character. He tells it as he sees it and that for me is more than enough.

Star rating: 5 out of 5. (and the books bloody good as well)

The Full Cycle - Vin Denson

Before Cav, before Yates and Jones there was Vin Denson.
Vin was a pro back in the 60's, a highly respected domestique and right hand man for Jacques Anquetil, Vin, unlike Cav, was never a true star, but he is still a hero.
The full cycle - the story of Vins life as a bike rider, charts his move from success on the British scene to respect and glory as a continental pro.
Sit down with someone, anyone really and ask them to tell you the story of their life. With luck they will be a natural story teller and you will be captivated by the twists and turns they take to get to the point where they sit before you, Vin is a natural story teller and if he sat with you over a pint or two and recounted his adventures you would hear this book line for line, word for word.

Vin has a great life and a great life is a great tale and a great tale is a great book, easy as that.

Star rating: 5 out of 5.

.

It's called a bloody bicycle race, the key word here is race.

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 06:49:00 +0000

So conspiracy or cock up? Evil master plan or happy coincidence? Great tactics or rank stupidity? Half a team riding for you and half against you? Half a team riding for you and all the Spaniards against you?
Still, that Cav eh?
Lets go and ride a bike race, lets go and ride a bike race in high cross winds and oh, look, the peloton splits and every body forms echelons, well that is unless you ride in the UK and no one can form an echelon and the roads are tight so basically each echelon is three riders wide, sorry about that. So then, you expect splits in a bike race, you expect well organised teams to take the chance that's plated up for them, wouldn't you? Columbia were at the front getting in position to launch the guided missile to it's chosen target, so when it gets a bit tasty, well, when it gets tasty it's party time.

What's more entertaining is the conspiracy that is Astana, Lancey boy and a couple of his chums were close up to the edge of the action and after sitting in decided to do a little graft. Meanwhile AC (that's Alberto Contador not AC from operation puerto) sat on his arse and did nothing and just to show willing so did the rest of the peloton.
And the gap opens and there you go. From a team perspective Astana come out of it well the rider they had in 10th moves up and from any normal team that would be enough. But of course Astana and normal do not sit well in a sentence, unless the sentence is 'That Astana, not really a normal team is it.'
This is of course why the tours from the last couple of years have been 'boring'. Nothing to do with the racing, that's been exciting enough, riveting even. No, what's been boring is the lack of conspiracy theories, the lack of teams turning in on them selves and ripping each other to shreds, the lack of TV speculation over secret peloton gangs taking each other on in the mountains, the lack of national allegiances taking precedence over team allegiances. In short what's been 'boring' is the lack of infighting, team v team is getting a bit dull, what we need is a real blood bath and this year it looks like it could be on the cards.

.

It's Cav, in Lime Green !

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Mon, 06 Jul 2009 06:19:00 +0000

The Fruity joys of the Tour de France.

So how was it for you? Was it the best you've ever had?
Hats off to large Fabian, who bucked a decade of fashion failure to keep his black shorts on whist wearing yellow, who says the Swiss have no style?

But whilst we sat in amazement, agog and aghast at Swiss style someone was touching CAV, I'm sorry I'll read that again, according to the Guardian 'Piet Rooijakkers' 'could not help touching Cavendish' Oh errr missus.

Is it just me, perhaps it is, perhaps I need new Specs, but does this years green jersey look a bit more, well, a bit more line green than ever before? Is this some sort of subtle rebranding on the part of ASO? Are they slowly changing the colours of all the jerseys? In 10 years time will we be faced with the Magnolia jersey for young riders? The Pink Poker dot jersey for best climber? The lime green jersey for points winner and the pale Canary jersey for overall winner? That would puncture a few egos.

Remember kids: If you see a floater flush it away.

Now it transpires that through my letter box drops Pro Cycling mag (or Winning for the 21st century as I like to call it) and I have to report that it has gone pretty sharpish into the bin. Not that there's anything wrong with the fine publication, the problem is it contains references to Hein Verbruggen. In fact PC has Verbruggen as the third most powerful man in cycling!

Now let me just run though who Verbruggen is more powerful than:
He's more powerful than 'Big' Dave Brailsford
He's more powerful than Anne Gripper (and just as elusive if you ask me)
He's more powerful than Bob Stapleton
He's more powerful than Mr Shimano
He's more powerful than Vaughters or IOC boss Rogge
He's more powerful than the Poundster or John Fahey
and he's more powerful than Doctor Death.
He's even, and get this, more powerful than Cav, how is this one possible?

And whilst we digest the above (and reach for the ingestion tablets) we should ask exactly what this power is built on.
Is it built on going on holiday whilst the biggest drugs story ever to bugger up out sport hit the front page? (The story was Festina and the holiday destination was India)
Is it built on saying that riders who spoke out against drugs were weak and lazy?
Is it built on denying that there was a doping problem in cycling?
Is it built on taking exactly sod all action to fight doping in the peloton?

Now PC offer 'Unsubstantiated rumours' that he has 'plans to take over the tour or even the whole of professional cycling'.
Now before you start screaming and run out into the garden to bury your bikes, burn your Lycra and take up golf I will point out that these are 'rumours' and that there are 'rumours' that Hitler is still alive and living in South America, so we should take these with a pinch of salt. Although having said that I have put my ear to the ground and off in the distance I too have heard it suggested that Verbruggen is planning a come back.

The thought that Verbruggen could have anything to do with cycling, other than using his bike to ride to the local shops fill me with a horror that could only be matched if I found out I was related to Stefan Schumacher. I firmly believe that one of the reasons why we as a sport are right up the creek of shit, is down to Verbruggen's tenure as head clown at the UCI.

.

A snowball in hell.

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 19:30:00 +0000

Ohhh, ohhh they've got a test for a drug we didn't now existed. Apparently the UCI, AFLD et all can now test a cyclist for being a wanker.

The first rider to fall foul of the new test turns out to be Thomas Dekker. As the results of his positive test for being a wanker were made public, Dekker spoke out to confirm the findings, saying:
"How can a sample be negative in 2007 and now suddenly gets tested again? That is wrong."
Er well done Thomas, in one sentence you have confirmed the UCI's findings and confirmed that you are indeed a wanker.

Meanwhile....... Over the border, he boys in light blue and yellow, are rebelling, despite the fact that paying the riders seemed to be an optional extra Astana now seem set to be signing the man who put the word toss in tosspot. Yes Vinokourov is back and it looks like he'll be riding for Astana, or so he thinks. There are rumours, rumours and more rumours that Lancy boy and his bestest chum JB will be out on their ear by August and that they'll be making their own team.
Still I don't doubt that they'll find a sponsor, but riders? August is a wee bit late to be signing riders, that is signing anyone who is any good, unsigned and not tainted by the needle and the blood bank. Still signing riders tainted by the needle doesn't seem to bother most teams. Once upon a time the Pro Tour teams signed a gentleman's agreement saying they wouldn't sign a banned rider for two years after that riders ban ended, of course this lasted about as long as a snow ball in hell and even before the ink was dry Lickey Gas (pronunciation cutesy of Mr David Duffield) had signed up Basso.

Still should Astana sign Vankerourov it will mean an extra place at the Tour for a wild card, so every cloud eh?

.

Time for the teams to come clean. (Yeah, as if...)

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 06:58:00 +0000

Why do teams employ failed dopers?

It seems that Ricco, or 'the little winker' as I like to call him, is coming back. His ban is up next year and he'll be riding for Ceramica Flaminia. Well that at least is his plan and maybe it's Flaminia's plan. Maybe they are after some cheap publicity and to honest there's no publicity cheaper than claiming you're going to sign some toxic waste for the coming season.

But who's the fall guy here? Well it's cycling of course, the sport I love with a passion that has long passed the insane. The sport to which I devote hundreds, maybe thousands of hours a year, coaching, riding, watching, reading about, end even blogging about. So as you can imagine, there is a slight lack of amusement in Onthebanking towers.

Why do teams keep employing failed dope cheats? That's the one question I'd like to know the answer to. Seriously what do they gain from increasing their toxicity rating? Publicity maybe? or maybe it's just a chance to take the piss out of the ordinary fan at the road side? 'Yeah, we know he's a cheat and a doper, but hey, it's our team and there ain't a thing you can do about it'. That sort of attitude really, really pisses me off.

So what's the answer, fan power maybe? Maybe it's time to start using the web to slag off teams that re-employ failed dopers? Maybe boycott their products? Maybe write to the press? Contact race organisers and politely request that teams with toxic riders be kept off the start line, Maybe write to the UCI.... whoops, sorry about that last one, I meant to list things that could be useful.

Of course teams have a right to employ who they like and equally I have a right to slag them off for doing so, it's a free world. But if one of the drivers for continued doping is having a nice 2 year holiday then getting your old job back. That is no deterrent, never has been and never will be, if the UCI or anyone thinks differently they are just, well, they are just jolly silly if you ask me.

So, as there is no likelihood of life time bans and the powers that run our sport seem incapable of organising a piss-up in a brewery, let alone taking any coherent action against dopers maybe the next step is for pissed off fans to do something?

And it's (oval) balls to the UCI.

Now I'm well partial to a little Rugby League, or Footy, as Mr McEwan would call it. Any way, like cycling the 'Footy' has had it's drug run ins and busts, although nothing like as spectacular as ours, but it has given it a good go. Recently Gareth Hock failed a routine test, his drug of choice happened to be Boonens drug of choice. But that's where the similarities end, the footy authorities have said there will be a 2 year ban if the B sample comes back positive.
Now a casual observer could well ask a question here, so now dear casual observer, please feel free to ask the obvious question. Thank you.

Tom is of course allowed to race, well I say allowed to race, only in certain races that is, only it would seem in races that don't have a super high media profile where marketing opportunities could be damaged by having a coked up party boy on the start line.
This of course means work, and well paid work at that, for the army of lawyers that follow cycling's drug stories with a magnifying glass in the hope of drumming up some business, we've yet to let them down and from the looks of things I suggest you steer your kids into the law rather than the bike racing game when future careers are on the table.

.

Are you Mr Big?

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 14:17:00 +0000

And if you're not do you know where I could find him??

Now I fully accept that the blood passports are going to catch riders who like 'a bit of needle up the arse' so to speak.
But the fact that the first batch of God knows how many hundreds of thousands of tests should only turn up 4 blokes you've never heard of plus one who's only major win was so unexpected a one eyed half dead stick insect could have picked him out of a line up, is a bit, well a bit hard to believe, that's all.

Was I expecting 'Big' names? Well the absence of certain riders does surprise me, it may well surprise you. But then again who's taking the samples and pointing the finger? Yep the UCI, so maybe I shouldn't expect any walking on water, just a little dampening of the collective foot, a little toe in the water of litigation.

Anyway, to be honest I don't give a monkeys who is caught in the future, well OK I do, I mean there are certain names I'd like to see in the frame, but as long as some names are getting crossed of the scum list I'll be averagely happy. Big names, small names, don't care, the fewer tossers in the peloton the better for us all. The more pressure that is excreted on dope cheat scum the better, and be that UCI passports, CONI bans, blue or clear wrist bands, ASO bans, or the IOC doing something (ever the optimist eh?) the better for all of us.

King of the dopes...

Oh,,,,,, and apparently an ex Tour de France KoM has been on the juice, er...... Wasn't Rooks in PDM when they all went home from Le Tour with a nasty 'virus' which was later changed to a 'recovery product, past it's sell by date', which is a far more believable explanation isn't it.....

.

Doping is finally beaten, hurrah.

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 05:15:00 +0000

The war on doping is finally won, hurray for the brave lads at the UCI.

After years of tough hand to hand combat the war on doping has finally been won! In a shock announcement yesterday (shock in that it was actually made) the UCI have announced that that the evil of doping has finally been defeated and we can all sleep soundly in our beds tonight.

The forces of evil have been finally booted out of cycling land and we can once again ride our bicycles freely, safe in the knowledge that the rider who has just beaten us in the race has done so because he has UCI approved water in his bottle and nothing else.

Who are you? Who are you?

Now I thought I was a bit of a cycling anorak, I thought I knew just about every pro rider there was. But the UCI have finally beaten me by pulling out of their hat's not just one rider you've never heard of, but a whole bloody peloton full of 'em.

Igor Astarloa - Won the world championships, apparently. His victory was accompanied with much shoulder shrugging and shouts of 'Who?' and 'Yeah, right...'

Pietro Caucchioli - Best result? Er...... 75th in some race or another.

Riccardo Serrano - Rides for Fuji-Servetto! That'll be the same Fuji-Servetto who are talking CAS for not being allowed to ride the Tour this year then. Their arguement is that they are all clean and so should be allowed to ride, next please.

Francesco De Bonis - A member of the Gerolsteiner team that was attempting to beat Festina for having the most doped up riders on their books, sadly the sponsor jumped ship before the final count.

Ruben Lobato Elvira - Once rode with Saunier Duva, Oy, Fuji - that's why you're not riding the bloody Tour! Do you get it now?

So what of all the other riders that like a little hot medicene cabinet action then? Does the UCI honestly expect that anyone in their right mind will actually believe that rounding up a bunch or riders that aren't even good enough to be classed as has beens, will convince us that the War on doping is won?

Still one thing that has happened is the Anne Gripper has come out of the wood work. Anne has been interviewed by CN and tells all about life in the trenches.
Apparently the UCI have been working hard on the passports issue, yep sounds about right to me. Hard to find riders that don't have expensive lawyers of big PR machines in tow. Hard to find riders that no longer ride.

Are you dead?

Who's next? The Pélissier brothers? They sound like likely candidates don't they? They have admitted to doping and they are dead and so can no longer sue the UCI, so ticks in boxes there then!

Still, lets not scoff at the UCI they have done a fine job in ridding our sport of the evil of doping, hopefully world peace and an end to hunger are next on the list, I'll get my gun ready then.

.

The 2009 Tour de France, just like old times (part 2)

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 16:38:00 +0000

Forward into the 1920's with the UCI.

Do you know Graeme Obree ? He was world pursuit champion, held the hour record a couple of times and wrote one of the best books about cycling ever.

Graeme was, indeed still is, famous for 'pushing the envelope' of bike design. He constructed bikes that set world records, on his own, in his garage.
Now back 'in the day' the UCI didn't like this, oh no, building bike frames like Graeme's was somehow against the 'spirit of cycling'. 'The spirit of cycling' was the phrase that the tossers in Switzerland used to defend their banning of Graeme's bikes. The only drawback here is that at no point did they actually specify what this spirit was. No actual definition of this spirit was ever offered and although it was trotted out it seemed to vary from jobsworth to jobsworth.

I can only assume that the spirit they used to hamper and frustrate Graeme at every turn was also the same spirit that allowed the UCI's Hein Verbruggen to go on holiday (to India I recall) as soon as the Festina affair broke. Making your own bike is somehow against the spirit of cycling, whilst systematic doping isn't, or so it would seem.

The irony is that whilst Graeme was and remains a clean rider he was countered at every turn whilst the opening of the Vaseline and the bending over backwards for doping scum was a regular event at UCI HQ.

So what's new I hear you ask, well come on at the back! WHAT'S NEW I HEAR YOU ASK?

Well yesterday whilst we were all waiting for the UCI to produce doped up rabbits from their magic hat they slipped a change to the tech regulations in under the radar.

Basically and to spare you the life sapping task of reading them (good luck if you find them on the UCI's web site - they are well hidden) the upshot is that all bikes used in UCI sanctioned competition, that's everything from World Champs to the Journalists Rainbow Jersey stakes, must be available to the average punter over the counter and that no prototyes can be used in competition.

So that pretty much takes out a fair chunk of what's ridden in the pro peloton, as these often include bikes and components in development for next year or the year after.

Now it has been suggested that this is the UCI's attempt to bugger up the GB track squad and their McLaren F1 designed UKIS bikes, (But more if this later), first...

Well first, how do you test a bike then? Lets say you are Cervelo (you wish right?) and you want to test a new frame or component or a new whatever, you have a team of riders that will put that frame through the toughest test imaginable ie. a professional bike race. Except that now they can't, so why bother designing new bikes? Where do you do you testing? Does the R & D process take four times as long as it will take you longer to collate the test data?

Where does that leave commercial bike development? When Reynolds 753 tubing came out (Whoooo, showing my age there, or not as the case may be.....) were the first bike to have it used in the Pro Peloton or available at Bobs bikes? I dunno for sure, but I suspect the former.

How do companies that have invested millions in R & D progress now? Make a new frame, look at it, stick some wheels on it, ride it to the shops and then go into production on the basis that they carried back a pint of mile and a carrot with no obvious difficulties?

On Track?

So then, this track bike thing? There was, apparently, whinging from National Federations who complained that GB got too much money and put too much into developing fast bikes and the like. A bit like someone saying to Columbia 'No you can't pay the wages of both Cavendish and Bosen-Hagen' or telling Astana that they have to off load a Grande Tour contender as they have too many (although I think that someone may have already had a word with their sponsor....). Sponsors, Governments put money into sport, what are you going to do? Hand some back saying, 'Thanks, but it's a bit too much, if I spend all this it won't be fair'

Lets say, lets just say, the French suddenly got a case full of Euros and starting making invisible bikes that went very fast I don't think that British Cycling would go running to Uncle Pat wringing their hands and crying foul, I really don't.

And if the complaint is that BC are chucking cash at bike frames what next? Seriously, what next? Not just for BC but for any team or nation? BC have the money to employ a full time mind mechanic in the shape of Steve Peters and some other nations don't, so maybe Steve should be restricted to shouting 'jolly good show old chap' from the stands at future international events then?
Are we to see an F1style farce where teams are only allowed to spend a certain amount of money each year? Because lets face it, if's it's a farce you want then cycling is the right place to find one.

Now whilst I'm a little hot under the old collar here (sorry, no seriously I am, you probable have better things to do....), lets just assume for one minute that you stuck Chris Hoy on a bog standard track bike.... what do you think is gonna happen, is he suddenly going to start coming across the line 50 meters behind some bloke no one's ever heard of? I seriously doubt it, I really do.

Actually I've got nothing against a level playing field for bike racing. What I do have something against is the traditional UCI cock-up that unfolds before me here. Sure stick all the GB track team on a steel tube clunker made in Taiwan, stick all the track teams on steel clunkers, I honestly have no problem with that at all, it is after all 'not about the bike' it is and should remain about the athlete and their individual or team effort, about their training, their endeavor, their guts and determination.

Surely the response to one team going well is re-evaluate your preparation and planning, find out where you can improve and then work hard at making that improvement.

So then this UCI that you speak of?

And their new regulations then, well vague and confusing is one way of describing them, still never mind, why bother chasing dopers and trying to rid the sport of drug cheating cheats when you can waste time and resources telling Cervelo & GB that Big Thor and Sir Chris can't have new bikes next year...

'Spirit of cycling' My arse......

The 2009 Tour de France, are you going to be there?

So how many riders will be banned from starting the 2009 Tour de France?
Boonan, Valverde? I expect so, any more? God alone knows. Although it's a pretty sure thing that should anyone be caught with their hand in the medicine cabinet the UCI will piss about and scratch their heads and go off and talk to the lawyers and then sit in a darkened room and hope it goes away. Meanwhile the worlds media will 'lick their lips' (copyright Hugh Porter) and be reporting what the world already knows that as a sport we have the needle well and truly up our collective arses.

As the UCI's lack of any action continues the TdF draws closer and judging on past form we can expect an announcement days before the Tour starts ensuring that there is maximum exposure for doping scum and maximum embarrassment for the sport as a whole and for those sponsors that God bless em, are still riding with us.

Please don't re-read the above and think that I am advocating some kind to code of silence bollocks, I'm not. What amazes me is that the UCI seem to have an uncanny knack of sitting on their hands until the week before the Tour before taking any action. How is it that 51 weeks of inaction seem to be followed by one week of crazy activity at the end of June?

I'm all for naming and shaming, in fact I'm all for naming and dragging through the streets behind a chariot pulled by two horses with diarrhea. But this sort of high quality spectator activity should be available to us all 52 weeks a year not just the week before the tour starts.

.

Your are the UCI - A popular game for all the family.

noreply@blogger.com (I am Onthebanking) — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 09:11:00 +0000

There's a series of book in the UK called 'Your are the ref,... you are the umpire...' etc. In which a sporting incident is played out and you have to make the correct call according to the rules of the game.
As yet only Football and Cricket are covered, but with an eye on the expanding cycling market I'm about to launch a cycling based addition to the cannon, It's called 'Your are the UCI', here are a few snippets.

A riders' blood sample has been linked via DNA to blood stored in the fridge at the heart of a well known doping controversy. The rider has been banned from racing on one of cycling's heartlands. In your roll as the sports governing body what do you do?

A) Ban the rider from all cycling for the maximum period allowed.
B) Allow him to continue racing, but ask for all proof with a view to banning him as soon as you can run the results past an approved lab.
C) Allow him to continue racing and winning major events, whilst doing bugger all.

A new method of detecting doping has been introduced, this involves taking blood samples at regular intervals, monitoring a pattern and then targeting suspicious results and banning riders. Do you?

A) Act as soon as you get the results banning riders that have doped
B) Say that action will start next week, sorry, next week, sorry next week, sorry next, sorry next week.......
C) Go on holiday
D) Ban riders that have already been banned or left the sport.
E) B, C and D all at the same time

Fans, race organisers and the media are in uproar about continuing doping in the sport of cycling. Do you?

A) Take a strong lead in the anti doping fight
B) Phone out for a pizza
C) Invite Bernhard Kohl to take over from Anne Gripper on the UCI anti doping committee

The fight against doping is expensive, do you?

A) Enter into agreements with organisations to help fund the anti-doping effort
B) Spend all your money on a nice buffet
C) Call a press conference saying that you are going to spend all you money on a nice buffet
D) Put all your money on a horse in the 3:30 at Kempton and hope it wins

One of the key areas in fighting doping is the education of young cyclists. Do you?

A) Start a global campaign requiring national federations to implement anti-doping education for young riders
B) Appear on CBeebies dressed as a Muppet to promote the campaign
C) Declare the war on doping won and go for an early lunch

.