Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe

The Pointless Hypotheticals Divison Presents: A Far Superior Alternative to the BCMess (again!)

2011-12-06T14:59:00.000-06:00

Two years ago, I designed a detailed, exquisite, totally workable 32-team playoff system to replace the current abortion of a system employed by the NCAA. Back then, it seemed like a legitimate proposition. Today, with the muddled mess of the BCS standings, it seems like an even more legitimate proposition. For those who are a bit rusty, here are the parameters:

-It's a five-round, 32-team tournament. Teams are put in one of four regionals, and seeded 1 through 8. If this sounds eerily similar to the NCAA basketball tournament's format, it's pretty much based off of that. The formula works--why fuck with it? Also borrowed from the hoops world will be the selection/seeding process--only with BCS replacing RPI, and the 33-35th teams bitching instead of the 66-68th. Like March Madness, every conference champion is given an automatic bid--meaning that Northern Illinois and Arkansas State get theirs. Granted, they are not seeded highly, but they've got theirs.
-It's designed to easily replace the bowl system in schedule, and still be a manageable season. The NFL plays 16 games. The most games a team could play in this system is 18. The scheduling might need some tweaking to compensate for the conferences with a championship game. But that's a whole other discussion for another day.
-The opening round would be played during the second weekend of December, when bowl season usually kicks off. The high seed would host the opening-round game. The second round would be played the following weekend, at a neutral site for the region. The third round would be at the same regional site, a week laster. The national semifinals would be played on New Year's Day, and the National Championship would be a week later. As with March Madness, the Final Four will be held at a rotating location--though I'd like to see the Rose, Fiesta, Sugar, and Orange Bowls survive as the permanent regional hosts. In fact, let's change that for this year's version: instead of the Midwest, West, South, and East regions; we will have the Rose, Fiesta, Sugar, and Orange regions respectively. Done. Love it.

Before we start, a few quick notes on the matchups: like the NCAA Tournament selection committee, I tried my damn hardest to avoid inter-conference matchups, which led to wacky things like Georgia in the Rose/Midwest and Cincinatti in the Fiesta/West. I'm sure there are still a few potential ones. So be it. The number one seeds, in order of their seeding: LSU, Alabama/Oklahoma State, Oregon. The beauty of this system this year is that LSU gets the easiest path to the national title game, while Bama and OK State get to settle it on New Years for the right to play them--if neither gets tripped up along the way.

Sugar Region
1 LSU
2 Kansas State
3 South Carolina
4 Oklahoma
5 Houston
6 Southern Mississippi
7 Auburn
8 Arkansas State
Analysis: Poor Arkansas State. Or are they the big winners in this system? The small school who gets to tell their respective grandkids about the time they played postseason football against the Honey Badger. Other than that, this region mostly exists as a rubber stamp for the Bayou Bengals. K-State-Auburn could be a huge point of contention in the SEC/Big 12 rivalry. Oklahoma/Houston is a great "little conference gets a shot at the big dog" matchup, before the winner is unceremoniously shredded by LSU. And the Tigers may get a Regional Final shot at the best SEC team they never got to play.
Projections: LSU, K-State, SoCar, and Houston advance. LSU over South Carolina in the final.

Fiesta Region
1 Oregon
2 Stanford
3 Baylor
4 Michigan
5 TCU
6 West Virginia
7 Cincinatti
8 Missouri
Analysis: This region looks to have the most even middle of the field. 3-6 and 4-5 both look like great matchups, and you know Stanford is itching for a revenge shot at Oregon. We've got a potential second-round showdown between Andrew Luck and Robert Griffin. I see Griffin leading Baylor over Stanford in that matchup, then stunning Oregon to head to the Final Four.
Projections: Oregon, Stanford, Baylor, TCU advance. Baylor over Oregon in the final.

Orange Region
1 Alabama
2 Arkansas
3 Virginia Tech
4 Clemson
5 Nebraska
6 Penn State
7 Florida State
8 Georgia Tech
Analysis: We come to the first upset trap region! Nebraska has shown flashes of brilliance in their first Big Ten season, Penn State was favored to win the division until the Sandusky scandal and Paterno firing submarined their season, Arkansas hasn't beaten anyone this year, and Georgia Tech's quirky, anachronistic triple option attack has been known to work miracles against world-beater defense (like Bama's). I think Alabama is the only home team to survive the opening weekend, and they roll through the region.
Projections: Alabama, Florida State, Penn State, Nebraska advance. Alabama over Penn State in the final.

Rose Region
1 Oklahoma State
2 Boise State
3 Wisconsin
4 Georgia
5 Michigan State
6 Texas
7 Northern Illinois
8 Notre Dame
Analysis: Oklahoma State will be favored by at least ten points too few thanks to Notre Dame's name recognition, then proceed to run roughshod as Touchdown Jesus is unable to cover Justin Blackmon. Wisconsin came two Hail Marys away from an unbeaten season, and I really don't see how they wouldn't be favored over Boise--luckily, Texas is not their normal self this season. Every other region seemed cut and dry--this one could have any of five teams go all the way, and would undoubtedly see the most ESPN Classic matchups, with Oklahoma State-Wisconsin probably the best of all. Bet the over and enjoy the show.
Projections: OK State, Boise, Wisconsin, Michigan State advance. Oklahoma State over Wisconsin in the final.

Final Four Analysis: So by my count, we've got LSU vs. Baylor and Alabama vs. Oklahoma State on New Years, with the winners meeting a week later. For the record, I wanted to pick Wisconsin over Oklahoma State so bad, but figured that the team's M.O. was to lose in heartbreaking fashion with less than a minute left. It's still likely that we're crowning LSU the national champion--but now, either Bama or Oklahoma State can say that they earned the right to lose to them. Or maybe, like happens every year in college basketball, we will find out that we have absolutely no idea once we step outside the world of hypotheticals and on the field.

I'll take that over a national championship rematch any day.

Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Power Poll: Week 12 Edition

2011-11-23T14:44:00.000-06:00

Four weeks later, and the Power Poll is back!

Some thoughts before we begin...

-The bottom half of the league is in bad shape. Injuries have not helped this. But the gap between the haves and the have-nots in the NFL is bigger than I can ever remember.
-I've advocated trading Matt Flynn in the past. At this point, if he wants to stay I'd say keep him. There are a number of teams who are ranked 5-6 spots lower than they otherwise would, because their backup quarterback is trash. I like Flynn. I think he rates in at "competent NFL starter," which would make a dozen teams salivate at this point. But I also see Houston fans talking themselves into Matt Cassel, and a Caleb Hanie/Nathan Enderle controversy on the horizon in Chicago, and Kansas City in a division that's ripe for the picking but stuck with Tyler Fucking Palko calling the shots... it's terrifying.

(By the way, that Chicago thing? It's coming. Mike Martz HATES Hanie. Hates him with a passion. Remember the NFC Championship? I know I do. But do you remember Todd Collins? How completely fucking incompetent he looked when he was put into the game? He was AHEAD of Hanie on the depth chart--that's how much faith Martz has in him. Enderle is Martz's handpicked draft pick. Enderle split snaps with Hanie running the No. 2 offense for the Bears in training camp. If Hanie struggles, he could be on a short leash.)

The "Cleveland Without LeBron" Division
32. Indianapolis
It's eerie how Peyton Manning is turning into Brett Favre #2... the durability, the perplexingly lonely ring after extended dominance, the place in the Greatest of All Time debate... now the fan base subtly turning on them in favor of the younger quarterback, the hints at coming back... are we two years away from Andrew Luck getting fried by Manning's Tennessee Titans, then coming back and curbstomping them the next year as Manning falls apart and retires in shame, revealing he "accidentally" texted pictures of his cock to Kenny Chesney?

The Turd Sandwich (aka NFC West) Division
31. Arizona
Well, it turned out that San Fran was the lone competent one in this division. Meanwhile, the Cards paid roughly $6.50 on the dollar for a quarterback who can't even show that he's convincingly better than John ~~Navarre~~ Skelton. Fuck it, at this point they're best off with Kurt Warner coming out of retirement.

30. St. Louis
A game worse than 'Zona, but I think they're a better play the rest of the way. So there. I'm still humiliated by my "StL to win NFC West" preseason bet. I'd have been better off lighting that money on fire. If gambling were legal, of course.

29. Seattle
In the translated words of the groundskeepers from Major League? They're still shitty. Not much more needs to be said. Seems Pete Carroll isn't that great of a coach when everyone else gets to pay the players too.

The Gallons of Suck Division
28. Kansas City
Every time Tyler Palko underthrows his target right into the waiting arms of a defender, an angel gets his wings. The Chiefs might be a team to watch next year--Cassel and Charles injuries derailed this season, and they'll get a Top 5 pick. Keep an eye on them--you know, if you live somewhere that gambling is legal.

27. Carolina
Cam Newton looks like either the Evolutionary Michael Vick or the Evolutionary Akili Smith. There's no in between. But Carolina fans just urped in their mouth a little bit.

26. Minnesota
These guys are 2-8. Doesn't feel like it, does it? I mean they're bad, but you have to feel like they should have a win or two more. Anyway, I'm ranking them high because I feel like they can compete with most teams, even if they can't win.

25. Miami
They're showing signs of life. On the downside, they don't get Andrew Luck anymore. On the bright side, they might finish ahead of Buffalo at this rate.

24. Washington
Had them ranked three spots lower, then remembered that Rex Grossman is back. By the way, whenever Rex Grossman is enough to vault your team three spots up, um, that's a really bad thing. Enjoy the Arena League, John Beck.

The Large 32oz Combo Meal of Suck Division
23. Cleveland
These guys don't suck by the gallon, but they're still a great collection of suckitude. If the Packers are unable to convince Matt Flynn to stay, Cleveland makes a hell of a lot of sense as a destination for him. On the other hand, they're from Cleveland--by signing there, he's pretty much saying "fuck you" to his ACL or something.

22. Jacksonville
Taking the approach of "We're going to keep the offense in second gear so Gabbert doesn't freak out, let him be confident, and accept that this is going to be a 4-5 win season. Meanwhile, start up talks with LA about a stadium deal." Okay, I'm assuming the last part. But still.

21. San Diego
Phillip Rivers seems hell-bent on breaking the one Brett Favre record that Aaron Rodgers isn't aiming for--the interception one. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. And is there a more toothless backfield pairing than Ryan Mathews and Mike Tolbert? They don't even get "poor man's" status--they're the homeless man's Willie Parker and Jerome Bettis. I regard coming back for seconds with Mathews this season in fantasy football to be a mistake on par with going back for seconds with any piece of questionable pussy I've had. Once can be a fluke, but once you've blown that second chance you're done. Never again.

The Mediocrity Division
20. Tampa
Just a season ago, they were a 10-win team. Today, they need to win out to match that. They've got the fourth worst point differential in the league. And, uh, I don't think Albert Haynesworth is going to be much help. After four losses in a row, it's gut check time in Tampa.

19. Tennessee
The Tennessee Titans of the National Football League would like to take this opportunity to ask for your help. It appears that our running back has gone missing. He answers to the name Chris Johnson and he is usually very hard to tackle, though recently folks haven't been having much trouble. $50 reward.

18. Buffalo
It's lucky that the Bills and Buccaneers avoid each other--the way they've both played this past month, I don't think you can pick a winner out of that matchup. Remember our last Power Poll, when this team's number was a third of what it is now? Ryan Fitzpatrick looks like such a spectacular waste of $50 million that the United States federal government is toying with the idea of purchasing his contract.

The Dead Hype Division
17. Philadelphia
Worth noting: after this weekend, Philly closes their schedule with SEA-MIA-NYJ-DAL-WAS. That looks like a possible 5-0 run, even with Vince Young. Meanwhile, they're chasing Tom Coughlin and Tony Romo, two of the most notable choke artists of our time. We're about three weeks away from the torch being passed to the Eagles as the potential snuck-in-the-playoffs team that nobody wants to play. "Eagles to win NFC East" is actually a pretty good value bet--don't count on it as a sure thing, but it could pay off huge.

The Single Worst Scandal In Sports History

2011-11-06T11:47:00.001-06:00

Before we get started, I'm going to let your mind wander and think of the worst sports scandal you've ever heard of. The White Sox throwing the '19 World Series? Pete Rose betting on baseball? Boosters buying a house and a Hummer for Reggie Bush's mom? All bad, and all basically irrelevant as of today.

This morning, a report broke that former Penn State defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky raped eight boys over his 15 years at PSU on school facilities. Boys that he met through The Second Mile, his not-for-profit dedicated to helping at-risk kids.

And this isn't just shit being made up. Victims are coming forward; eight of them so far. One claimed that Sandusky initiated advances with a "soap fight" in the shower. The boy in question once appeared in a Sports Illustrated photo with Sandusky. In the fall of 2000, a PSU janitor witnessed a young boy, aged 11 to 13, pinned up against a wall while Sandusky blew him. Two years later, a graduate assistant witnessed Sandusky rape a 10 year old boy in the shower. The graduate assistant reported it to AD Tim Curley, who promptly covered it up. Sandusky, once considered Joe Paterno's heir apparent, resigned in 1999,* but allowed to continue to use PSU facilities for his work with The Second Mile.

Suddenly, gambling and false amateurism seem like small potatoes.

The unfortunate thing is this will almost certainly fail to get the attention it deserves. It will be a story for a few weeks, then disappear. And that should not happen.

Paterno, Curley, and vice president Gary Schultz (who is being charged along with Curley) are all unforgivable in this. Paterno, rather than alerting the authorities, simply reported the incident to Curley. I know eyewitness accounts are hardly airtight, especially when the 10 year old boy being sodomized against his will is black, but at the same time Sandusky was banned from again bringing children onto PSU's campus.** And Curley enabled the living fuck out of Sandusky. Letting him continue to use the facilities? Not telling the police? Worse yet, attempting to justify the grad assistant's report by claiming that a 55 year old man and a 10 year old boy in the shower was "little more than horseplay?"

Something smells like shit, and it's not Jerry Sandusky's dick for once. Curley literally did everything he could to help Sandusky short of buying him orphans or making him the new host of "Are You Harder Than A Fifth Grader?" Little more than horseplay? I'll believe the ER patient who "doesn't know" how the remote control got stuck up his ass before I buy that.

Look, I'm not a big time moral crusader--in fact, I'm quite fond of the "live and let live" approach to forcing your beliefs down others' throats. But when the "other" in question is forcing his cock down the throat of a child, well that's wrong no matter how you spin it. This is, as the title indicates, The Single Worst Scandal in Sports History. Miami may have provided their players with hookers and blow, but you can defend hookers (the players were 18) and blow (it was the '80s). USC and Ohio State may have paid their players, but you could argue that they ought to have been paid in the first place. Pete Rose may have bet on baseball, but he didn't bet on his team. Mark Sanchez may have fucked a 17-year-old, but it was consensual. The Roethlisberger accusations are flimsy hearsay, at best.

There is no spin to this. Rarely in life are things so black and white; so cut and dry. Jerry Sandusky used his position of power in Happy Valley to sodomize children. Joe Paterno knew about this sodomy, and did nothing. Actually, I take that back--he didn't do nothing. He informed his higher ups, covering his own ass. Paterno KNEW this was going on in his facilities in 2002; when Curley chose to cover it up Paterno was complicit. At no point in the past 9 years did Paterno go to the police, even as this was still happening. It took a high school, investigating a 2009 abuse of one of their students by Sandusky, to bring this to the authorities. In a legal sense, Paterno is clean--by telling Curley, he effectively passes the buck on liability. In a moral sense, Paterno could not possibly be more wrong--he knew of abuse, was easily in a position to stop it, yet he did not. What, exactly, was his logic here? "I told my boss, it's in his hands now." HOW IS THAT DEFENSIBLE?! The cocksucker was more concerned with safeguarding his legacy than protecting future victims. If there were such a thing as justice, every last person involved in the coverup would be fired, put in stocks, and marched off the PSU campus to a public stoning.

By the way, this gives the 1988 Orange Bowl a whole new spin, doesn't it? At the time, it was the wholesome squeaky-clean Penn State team against Miami's band of criminals. Now? Miami's party boys against PSU's child-rape-enablers. Congratulations, Miami--for once, you're the good guys. Don't get used to the feeling.

Another quick aside, as well--Penn State Creamery has a sundae named the "Sandusky Blitz." The ingredients? Banana, chocolate-covered peanuts, and gooey ropes of caramel. I'm trying really, really hard to avoid joking about child rape, but the only way that could be any funnier is if they added marshmallows made of jizz.

I know the sports media is generally useless, but it's up to our reporters to keep this from going away. Paterno press conferences should be full of questions like "Coach, when scheming to stop Russell Wilson, did you ever consider alerting the authorities to the child rapist on your staff?" "Historically, Penn State's defense has been good at backside pursuit and pressure--did Coach Sandusky teach that in the shower?" "Coach Paterno, whats more rewarding to you: Being the winninest coach in history, or helping Coach Sandusky rape children?" "Coach, if you were going for a rape theme, why did you not offer a scholarship to Ben Roethlisberger back in the day?" You get the point.

And it's on the rest of the NCAA coaches, too. I know your lot. When it comes to recruiting, you will use every advantage you have--and if you don't have any, you'll make one up and lie about it. Well you don't have to lie here. Thanks to NCAA's recruiting rules and regulations, plus the power of technology, we now know who, specifically, every coach/school is targeting. If you're competing for a recruit with PSU, beat the kiddy-rape angle into the ground. "You're a good looking guy, I'm guessing you'd like to have a family some day? Bring the kids back for Homecoming, show them where Daddy used to play? Well, would you like them to also get raped? Didn't think so. I'd shy away from PSU if it were me, then. Just sayin'." Make it so these scumbags are picking from the dregs of the borderline talent that nobody else is willing to deal with.

On the bright side, if you're a fan of Miami, Notre Dame, USC, Ohio State, Florida State, or someone along those lines, today is the greatest day in the history of fandom. Now, whenever your rivals skewer you for violations, all you have to say is "Hey, at least no children are being raped on our campus!" And if you're a Florida State fan, you now have in your history the winningest head coach who never helped cover up child rape among his staff.

Penn State is one of only four BCS schools who do not have a major NCAA violation in their history. Since there are technically no NCAA rules against this kind of thing, that will still stand. But at least they are now the only school with a child-rape violation in their history--and personally, I think that's just a little bit worse than boosters paying off players.

*By the way, Sandusky's resignation smells fishier than Paris Hilton's underwear drawer. He was first investigated for child rape in 1998, and the investigation ultimately did not lead to charges. A year later, Sandusky resigns but is allowed to continue using PSU facilities. If you believe that the two events are unrelated, I have a bridge to sell you.
**Because that's a solution--don't stop him from doing it, just make sure it doesn't happen on our watch!

Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Presents: The Return of the Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Your Name Here Power Poll! (Part II)

2011-10-27T15:39:00.000-05:00

If you weren't paying attention, yesterday's Part I can be found here. If you were, you know we've got 15 teams to go. And since we left off with the "Good Bad Team" that is better than all the bad teams but worse than all the good teams, well, today will revolve less around mocking the NFL's failures than it is figuring out who is going to take it all. More fun? Less fun? You decide.

Anywhoodlidoodle, here we go...

The Shitty Division Leaders Division
15. San Diego
Blatantly stolen from one of my Tweeps (and a hugely inspirational fellow young-curmudgeon-cum-blogger), Justin Rebello: "Whoever it was in the NY Times who called [the] Jets-Chargers game the 'No-Ring Circus" deserves a raise." The Chargers are the NFL's version of the old women's axiom: always a bridesmaid, never a bride. They're in the playoffs every year it seems, but always fall apart. Time was, this was because of Marty Schottenheimer. This year, it'll be because they're just not that great of a team, but they're stuck in a division with the Jamaal Charles-less Chiefs, the Jason Campbell-less Raiders, and the Mile High Train Wreck. I'd feel bad for Phil Rivers at this point if everything I've read about him didn't have me convinced that he was a colossal spoiled douche.

14. Houston
"An all-Texas Super Bowl... sweet Jethro Pugh"--Hank Hill

Yeah, that's not happening this year. The Texans are 2-3 against teams not trying to Suck for Luck. But they do have impressive wins over Pittsburgh and a shellacking of Tennessee. Translation? Like every year, the Texans are a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a mystery--not to mention a gambler's nightmare. Inconsistency is not a great quality come playoff time, though. They'll get in on account of their division sucks--what happens beyond that is anyone's guess.

(And yes, I'm aware that I just reverse-jinxed us up a guarantee of an all-Texas Super Bowl. The Cowboys are in a division without a clear favorite, and the Texans would really need to try hard to piss away their division. Then again... Romo in New Orleans or Green Bay. It's not happening. Houston, I could see getting hot come January and making a run. But Romo on the road against one of those teams--I couldn't bet enough against him.)

The Gary Johnson Memorial "Fringe Candidate" Division
13. NY Jets
Since Ron Paul is now polling in the double digits, Gary Johnson takes over as the 2012 version of "Presidential candidate who I like, but has a less than zero chance of winning." Similarly, I like the Jets. I like Rex Ryan, creepy foot fetish and all. I like Bart Scott, who I think is the next-gen version of Ray Lewis. I have had an affinity for LDT ever since he carried me to two straight Fantasy championship games, and I love how he's reinvented himself as a top-of-the-line scat back. But, I'm sorry--Mark Sanchez and Shonn Greene are not winning a title anytime soon. Just sayin'.

12. Tampa Bay
Sorry, Saints fans--but the coming decade of Josh Freeman-Matty Ice-Cam Newton divisional rivalry has me excited. Josh might be fighting through the sophomore jinx right now, but he'll bounce back. This year, the Bucs fall into the same category as the Texans--unpredictable enough that they might beat the Saints, or lay an egg against the Bears. The only problem? The Texans are in a shitty division, in which "inconsistently great" is far and away the favorite. The 'Bucs are in a division with the Falcons and Saints. "Inconsistent" just doesn't cut it.

11. Atlanta
They get the nod over Tampa for this spot largely thanks to strength of schedule--already 4-3, the Falcons are looking at 5 near-guaranteed wins (Indy, Tenn, Minn, Car, Jax) the rest of the way. And the Texans and Bucs are both winnable games. Ten wins is hardly a stretch for them. Tampa, on the other hand? They get Tennessee, Carolina twice, and Jacksonville--then toss-ups against the Falcons, Texans, and Cowboys. You're telling me the Dirty Birds aren't a game better?

10. NY Giants
Say what you will about Eli Manning (and, dear Lord, I have done just that in this space previously)--I'd much rather have the title of "Worst QB to ever win a Super Bowl" than "Best QB to never win a Super Bowl." Warrants mentioning.

The win over Buffalo was huge. But losing to Seattle?! And, let's be real--this coming showdown against Miami is the only guaranteed win on this team's plate the rest of the way. The NFC East is wide-open at this point. Just because the Blue Men are in the driver's seat now doesn't really mean anything.

The Entertaining As Hell Division
9. Baltimore
Put it this way: these guys were ranked at #4 until Monday night's debacle. Baltimore fans are praying that was merely an anomaly, and that this team is finally living up to the potential-dynasty hype I bestowed upon them two seasons ago. And not a sign of an impending collapse. Time will tell. In the meantime, they just lost to the Jaguars, so they'll take a free-fall in the polls.

8. Chicago
All of these teams fall under the following category: extremely fun to watch, more competent than average, probably playoff teams, but just missing the total package. Give me Matt Forte, and I'll put together a championship team. Give me Jay Cutler, and that championship team will putter out in the divisional/conference round. For years now, I've been making the Jay Cutler-Jeff George comparison--just now, I realized that Marshall Faulk-Matt Forte is just as valid. Creepy. Let's hope that the Bears aren't within a decade of drafting their own Peyton Manning, much like the George-Faulk Colts in the early '90s.

7. Detroit
Jesus, what the hell happened? Two weeks ago, Green Bay-Detroit for Thanksgiving looked like the game of the decade. Now, the Lions have lost two straight, Matty Stafford's ankle is giving him trouble, Jahvid Best appears to be out for the year, and Jerome Harrison has a brain tumor. Just a brutal turn of events. On the bright side--Calvin Johnson is still unstoppable, and the Lions are still five wins better than they were a few years ago.

6. Buffalo
I'm still trying to figure out how these guys beat New England. Don't get me wrong--Stevie Johnson has emerged as a top-10 wideout, the entire league is kicking themselves for not picking up on Fred Jackson first, and Ryan Fitzpatrick is the next generation of "game manager" quarterback who makes good decisions, uses the talent around him, and doesn't fuck things up. Perfect fit for this team. The Buffalo fans deserve a playoff team, and I really hope they can hold on and get it this year. Miami twice, Washington, Tennessee, and Denver might be enough to get them there--but they might need to knock a few other ones out, too.

The Dark Horse Division
5. San Francisco
Eerily reminiscent of the '06 Bears. A prototypical "everything but the dining room" team. As Bill Simmons explained it:

"OK, let's say you just bought a new house, only you got soaked on your mortgage and had to go with a 75-25 instead of an 80-20. You're short on funds, so you decide, 'We're going to spend most of our time in the kitchen, TV room and bedroom' and spend all your remaining funds to make those rooms nice: Maybe a 52-inch plasma, comfy sofa, kitchen table, king-sized bed, a few framed pictures, some homey knick-knacks and so on. By the time you're done, every room in the house looks great except for the dining room. Instead of half-assing it and putting a cheap-looking table and chairs in there, or even worse, splurging on a nice table and crappy chairs, you decided to sacrifice that room for 12 months, leave it empty and use that extra money on the rest of the house. It's the right move. And when friends visit and see an empty dining room, you just explain, 'Yeah, we haven't gotten around to that room yet.' They will understand, especially when they see the rest of your kick-ass house."

Aside from the fact that the hypothetical person who got soaked on their mortgage and couldn't afford to furnish their whole house is probably foreclosed and living in Mommy's basement by now, this is the Niners to a T. They've got a big-game runner in Frank Gore. They've got a suffocating D. They've got a rookie coach who ran shit at the college level, and appears to be one of the "runs shit at every level" coaches as opposed to the Pete Carroll variety of "runs shit as long as I can pay my players and nobody else can" type. In a down year, they'd be a favorite. In this NFL? Sorry, but the Empty Dining Room (Alex Smith's new nickname) is enough to drag them down to the 5th spot in the Parade of Homes.

(Like how I carried the dining room analogy at least three jokes longer than I should have? That's what happens when I write these things drunk. Just bear with me here, we're almost done and I'm still somewhat cohesive. Or coherent. Whatever.)

4. Pittsburgh
With a team like this, you have to ignore the Week 1 shellacking at the hands of Baltimore. Maybe it was the lockout, maybe it was the Week One jitters--the point is, we've seen six other examples, and that was not this team. This weekend's matchup with New England will tell us a lot about this team.

(And let's be real--this right here is probably the biggest gap in the poll. From 3-4 is a massive chasm. Maybe that's because Baltimore was supposed to go here until they shat the bed on Monday. But when your 4th best team in the NFL is coming into a "time to prove ourselves" game, well, that's not an encouraging sign for the rest of the league.

3. New Orleans
Does anyone actually remember that these guys blew a winnable game against Tampa just a little over a week ago? No, all I can think of is the revolving door endzone defense the Colts tried to employ Sunday night. Setting an NFL regular-season record for points tends to shorten the memory when it comes to things like that.

The Number One Contender
2. New England
We've been waiting for a New England-Green Bay Super Bowl ever since 2008. Which, of course, means that something will inevitably screw it up. I'm sorry to say, Bill Belichek isn't the same coach he once was. Is he going senile? Maybe just a little bit.

That being said, this team is stacked. I'm not betting against them, that's for sure.

The Potential Dynasty
1. Green Bay
Look, I'm well aware that there may very well come a day where I look at this ranking, and that title, and cry myself to sleep. It can happen. But at this point? Last unbeaten team in the league? With arguably the best big-game quarterback since Montana in his prime? With four--count 'em four--guys who could be a #1 receiver on another team? With a winning streak stretching back to last December? With Charles Woodson preying on young quarterbacks much like Roman Polanski once preyed on young girls? With the Kuhn And Friends backfield providing the perfect supplement to Rodgers' passing attack? I refuse to apologize for this pick, and I refuse to acknowledge anyone who claims that this makes me a homer. Best team in the league right now? You know it.

Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Presents: The Return of the Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe Your Name Here Power Poll! (Part I)

2011-10-26T15:16:00.000-05:00

Yes, after a year's hiatus, it's back. One man. Thirty-two teams. And a dream, to figure out who is better than who, who is overrated, and who sucks so hard they could pull a golf ball through a garden hose.

As always, these rankings are completely arbitrary. And as always, if you would like to sponsor the Power Poll, please inquire within. I don't even charge for it--though if you bought me a beer, that'd be sweet shit.

The Andrew Luck Division
32. Indianapolis
Yeesh, I can smell this team all the way up in Oshkosh. Just last night, they lost 62-7. Sixty two to seven!!! That's not an NFL score, that's a "D-I powerhouse playing Cupcake State in non-conference play" score.

Look, I know the popular joke to make is "Peyton Manning should get a decade of post-dated MVP awards the way they're playing without him!" But let's be real: Peyton Manning would have done absolutely nothing to stop the Saints from carving up the defense for 62 points. I'd argue that Manning's shoulder falling off was the best thing that could've happened for his legacy. He avoids this season's train wreck, goes out as an elite quarterback, avoids the brutal late-career slowdown that tainted so many careers (for recent examples see McNabb, Donovan and Favre, Brett--every Vikings fan reading this just tried to flush their own head down the toilet), and on top of which he now gets an unduly large portion of the credit for the past decade-plus of success. Sure, Manning was great, and the major reason those teams were so good. But it will now be remembered that he was the only reason they were that good--which is unfair to the likes of Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, Marvin Harrison, Marcus Pollard, Bob Sanders, and every other talented piece of those teams.

31. Miami
Look, I would not argue if you placed these guys at 32. Blowing a 15-point lead in three minutes against a gimmicky quarterback making his first pro start? Reggie Bush showing that he really did suck all this time? A season of Brandon Marshall running forty-yard sprints as the likes of Matt Moore underthrows him time and again? A season of Marshall returning to the huddle after, staring down Moore and melting whatever confidence he had left? Ladies and gentlemen, your 2011 Miami Dolphins! Good thing their fan base has looming Medicare insolvency to keep their minds off the season.

(One last note on the 'Fins: if signing JP Losman is ever the answer, the question shouldn't even be asked.)

Quite Possibly the Shittiest Division in Football History
30. St. Louis
Technically, St. Louis is kind of a crossover between these two divisions. The most disappointing team in football thus far. Remember when "hey, maybe St. Louis will go 8-8 and win the NFC West" was a smart pick? Injuries to Sam Bradford and Steven Jackson are largely responsible for St. Louis failing to post a multiple-touchdown game this season. If they stay healthy (iffy), Brandon Lloyd represents an upgrade over the Brandon Gibson-Darnario Alexander-Greg Salas pu-pu platter (a certainty), and San Francisco falls apart (don't count it out), they're not out of it yet. Making them the first 0-6 team ever to be "not out of it yet."

29. Arizona
Kevin Kolb is on pace to set NFL records for intentional grounding and passes thrown off his back foot. So, to recap, the Cards traded an All-Pro cornerback and a second-round pick for a quarterback who is afraid of contact. Something they probably would have liked to know before making him the center of the offense. In their only win this season, they gave up 422 passing yards to a rookie quarterback in his first NFL game. Not exactly a ringing endorsement.

28. Seattle
Your current second place holders in the NFC West... led by the immortal Marshawn Lynch (who is a year removed from being the fourth-string back on a losing team) and Tarvaris Jackson (who is Tarvaris Jackson). And are coached by Pete Carroll, who is a fantastic coach as long as he can pay his players and his opponents can't. Which pretty much rules them out, unless the NFL can somehow sub the Los Angeles Dodgers onto their schedule.

(Yes, these three teams will all each play each other twice. Which means two Jackson-Kolb matchups that have Vegas already trembling with fear. Who will prevail, the resistable force or the movable object? Jackson's erratic passing, or Kolb's erratic pocket behavior? All I know is I'm not touching either of those matchups.)

The "Our Rookie Quarterback Gives Us Hope For The Future" Division
27. Jacksonville
They've reached 20 points only once this season. Their allegedly elite running back has reached 100 yards only twice this season, despite being the ~~focal point~~ only toothful part of their offense. Their only wide receivers with more than 10 catches are two guys named Mike Thomas and Jason Hill. All signs point to a team that can't score points. And you usually can't win games without scoring points, unless Joe Flacco decides to give them to you.

Poor Blaine Gabbert. By any measure, he's performed as well as can be expected for a rookie quarterback with no talent around him--he's avoided self-destruction, and posted numbers far superior to Generic McCown Brother when pressed into duty. Give it a few years, and he'll be Los Angeles's most popular quarterback since Matt Leinart was shredding coed vagina at USC.

26. Minnesota
The Bernard Berrian era is over. Luckily, the Vikings are off this coming week--the extra week should be just what Les Frazier needs to pull out the giant fork sticking out of Donovan McNabb. Time to hang 'em up.

Thing is, this is a .500 team with Christian Ponder at the helm. They played the Packers well. Ponder looked generally passable against everybody but Charles Woodson, who coincidentally has made a hobby out of feasting on rookie quarterbacks. A week of Tebowmania overshadowing his first start, along with a bye week to quell whatever hype remains, and he's going to be a gambler's best friend until everyone realizes how good he is.

25. Carolina
Here's the difference: Ponder and Gabbert both have futures as NFL starters. With Cam Newton, the sky is the limit. Not since Michael Vick has a quarterback made this big of an impact on his offense; and Newton didn't back up for a year first. Steve Smith looks like a hostage victim reunited with his family--just ecstatic to put the whole ordeal behind him, and happy to have a decent support system around him again. If DeAngelo Williams ever figures out how to be explosive again, this team has some bite.

Quite Possibly the Second Shittiest Division in the History of Football
24. Oakland
How bad was the Carson Palmer trade? The Raiders gave up a first and second-round pick for a 31-year-old quarterback who made the Pro Bowl five years ago, and has since battled through two major injuries (Von Oelhoffen snapping his leg in the '06 playoffs, and the nagging shoulder injury which has plagued him and rendered him largely ineffective since '08). The Redskins traded a second and fourth round pick for a quarterback who was two years older than Palmer at the time of the trade, and six times more Pro Bowled over his career. A year later, the Vikings got him for a sixth round pick. The Texans got Matt Schaub for two second-rounders and a swap of first-round picks. The only team to pay for their starter, and pay a comparable price, was the Bears, who sent Kyle Orton, two first-rounders and a third rounder to the Broncos for Jay Cutler and a fifth-round pick. Cutler was 26 at the time, and coming off of a Pro Bowl season. In short: Al Davis may be dead, but his tendency to overpay for crappy quarterbacks must have rubbed off on the rest of the organization.

(Yes, Oakland is 4-3. Three of those wins came with the surprisingly competent Jason Campbell at the helm for the whole game, and the fourth came in the game that saw Campbell knocked out and the Raiders pull it out on a fake punt--against the Browns. After this past weekend, it's hard to believe that they'll win another 4 the rest of the way.)

23. Denver
Dear Lord Baby Jesus, please save us from the Tebowmania that is sure to come.

Look, as someone who plug-and-played Godboy during Tom Brady's bye week, I couldn't be happier with his late-game resurgence. But let's be objective here. He led a frantic late-game comeback in his backyard against one of the worst teams in recent memory. Just a week ago, Mark Sanchez handled Miami with no late-game heroics necessary, and the media folks love to talk about how bad Sanchez sucks. In the immortal words of Winston Wolf, let's not start sucking each other's dicks yet.

22. Kansas City
Sigh. The AFC West wasn't all that terrible when Jason Campbell was in the picture. But now? Denver sucks, Oakland sucks harder, and the Chiefs somehow find themselves in striking distance, despite no running game to speak of and Matt Cassel trying to do it all singlehandedly. That will happen when half of your games have been against the likes of Donovan McNabb, Curtis Painter, and the Kyle Boller/Carson Palmer combination (or, as they are collectively known, The Shit Sandwich). Miami and Denver (twice) are the only remaining games along those same cupcake lines. If you picked up a "KC to win the West from 0-3" ticket, now would be the time to get max value for that thing.

The Star-Studded Trainwreck Division
21. Philadelphia
Not only are their big-name acquisitions failing to produce, they couldn't even give away Ronnie Brown successfully. While stockpiling hype-happy assets this off-season, the Iggles appparently forgot that LeSean McCoy and Ronnie Brown are both best suited to being the second guy on the depth chart. Meanwhile, Michael Vick has un-learned how to hold on to the football. Not a happy combination. The good news? Other than New England in Week 12, their schedule looks pretty manageable the rest of the way. If they can put the hype behind them, gel as a team, and make the playoffs, I would not want to match up against them at any point.

The Shakier than the San Andreas Fault Division
20. Tennessee
The Good: Chris Johnson; always a force that must be accounted for. A huge win over Baltimore.
The Bad: Matt Hasselbeck; never much of a "force" and now well past his prime. A defense that has given up 38 and 41 points in its last two contests. A loss to Jacksonville, who also beat Baltimore.
The Ugly: All of the "Bad" things listed directly hamper the "Good"s. A mediocre QB and a porous defense are not a running game's best friends.

19. Cleveland
The Good: Peyton Hillis. Can we please just start calling him "White Christian Okoye?" He's the most dominant bruiser back since the Nigerian Nightmare himself. They both were irrationally popular. And they both plied their trades mostly on crappy teams. Also, the rest of the way they get St. Louis, Jacksonviille, and Arizona.
The Bad: Colt McCoy--he came into this season straddling the line between "game manager" and "sucks." Now we know which side he falls on. The defense--notwithstanding this past weekend's 6-3 snoozefest, they've gotten torched by some less-than-powerhouse teams.
The Ugly: Those three wins came against Miami, Indianapolis, and Seattle. Yikes.

18. Washington
The Good: Fred Davis and Jabar Gaffney have emerged as capable threats next to Santana Moss. The defense is a lot better than you think. And is anyone in the NFC East really all that much more dominant?
The Bad: Rex Grossman/John Beck (another Shit Sandwich). You can get by with them and the aforementioned wideouts as long as you've got a threatening running game. Tim Hightower is not a threatening running game.
The Ugly: Buffalo, San Fran, NY Jets, New England, and a possibly-rejuvenated-by-Week-17 Philly team all remain on the schedule. It's not getting any easier.

17. Dallas
The Good: They've got the best point differential in the East, not a bad loss to their name (NY Jets, New England, Detroit pre-collapse), and a pretty smooth remainder of the schedule. DeMarco Murray might be this year's Arion Foster.
The Bad: Their defense is DeMarcus Ware, Sean Lee, and a collection of has-beens and never-weres. Should this team reach the playoffs, are they really holding their own against Green Bay or New Orleans?
The Ugly: We knew Tony Romo had to go here. As usual, his numbers are good--but they don't tell the whole soul-crushing late-game-choking story.

The Good Bad Team
16. Cincinatti
Every year there's one of these. They beat the teams they are supposed to beat, and lose the games they should lose. Meaning they should get to 6-2 before Pittsburgh and Baltimore bring them back down to earth. But look at it this way, Cincy fans: you're ranked a full nine spots higher than the next best team starting a rookie quarterback!

Tomorrow: The Top 15

The Ten Best Sex Scandals in Sports History

2011-09-23T10:44:00.000-05:00

Oft-quoted statistics tell us that men think about sex every 7 seconds on average. Now, taking that same line of thinking ("men are constantly horny" for the psych majors struggling to keep up), consider that the "average" man gets sex thrown unabashedly in his face every 2.7 years or so; while the average professional athlete gets sex thrown unabashedly into his face whenever he wants it, and often when he doesn't want it, too. Because of this great disparity, athletes tend to find themselves in sex scandals quite often--and fans like you and I tend to find these increasingly hilarious.

And yes, this topic was picked deliberately as an excuse to include Glen Rice and Sarah Palin.

Honorable Mention: Max Mosley's Nazi Orgies

No, I'm not making that up. Nazi. Orgies. Max Mosley was the head of FIA, the governing body for Formula One. In March of 2008, a British tabloid leaked video of Mosley participating in a Nazi-themed sadomasochistic orgy with five prostitutes. At one point in the video, the dominatrixes have to stop to bandage Mosleys ass after spanking him too hard. This scandal would rank in the top three for sure--but unfortunately, auto racing doesn't count as a real sport.

10. Yankees Swap Wives

The only time in history two teammates have been traded for one another. In 1973, the big off-season trade everyone was talking about in spring training involved two Yankees--Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich--swapping wives and families. The two had been best friends since both coming up with the Yankees in 1969, and as was the tradition in the 1970s, they became involved in swinging (allegedly for the first time at a party at sportscaster Mel Allen's house, which would be if two Yankees decided to plow each other's wives while partying at Stu Scott's crib today. The lesson, as always? The '70s were awesome). At some point in 1972, the two decided to trade permanently, and all the people who had been complaining about the hippies through the '60s had something new to bitch about.

So, who got the better end of the bargain? Peterson and the former Suzanne Kekich are still married, with four additional children (both players/families had two coming into the swap), while Marilyn Peterson got cold feet at the last second, and bailed on Kekich. The two were never close again.

9. The Sanchize Bangs a High Schooler

This past New Years, Mark Sanchez appeared at a Manhattan club called Lavo. While ringing in the new year, Sanchez chatted up a young girl named Eliza Kruger. Kruger was not 21 years old as her ID stated, rather, she was 17. She flirted with Sanchez, and upon exchanging numbers with the quarterback remarked "You know I'm 17, right?" Sanchez still wanted to continue talking to her, but stated that he "can't see [her] 'til [she's] 18." Showing far better presence under pressure than Sanchez has ever shown playing quarterback, Kruger then reminded the Sanchize that the age of consent in both New York and New Jersey is 17. Smooth.

Sanchez proceeded to court the young schoolgirl, inviting her to the season finale against the Bills, then taking her to dinner a week later. After dinner, Sanchez brought Kruger back to his place to fuck. No laws were broken, but the awkwardness Sanchez shows in big games makes a hell of a lot more sense in light of his continued pursuit of high school girls well into his 20s, which is a lot like leaving the difficulty on Madden set to "Easy" when you're repeatedly winning 70-0.

8. Pokey Pokes Her Players

Pokey Chatman, in addition to having an awesome name, was a wildly successful women's basketball coach at LSU. After taking the program over from a dying Sue Gunter, Chatman went 90-14, including Final Four berths her first two seasons. But before the 2007 NCAA Tournament, Chatman resigned amidst allegations that she had carried out affairs with multiple players during her coaching career. Despite her career winning percentage, Chatman was unable to find a coaching job in America for another three years. This entry gets major penalty points for being about women's basketball, but manages to make up almost all of them by involving lesbians. Everything is better with lesbians.

7. The Legend of Ron Mexico

Even before the dogfighting thing, Mike Vick was no stranger to scandal. In April of 2005, the then-Falcons quarterback was sued by an ex-hookup who alleged that Vick gave her herpes. The ensuing investigation revealed that Vick--or "Ron Mexico," the alias he used to get tested--did knowingly transmit herpes to the girl. Vick settled out of court for an undisclosed sum.

The real story comes after the story leaked, however: as, in a matter of hours, thousands of smart-ass fans across the nation ordered customized Falcons jerseys with the number 7 and the custom name "MEXICO" from the NFL Shop page. The league cancelled all the orders and banned the sale of any Ron Mexico jerseys, making any that happened to get made the greatest collectible of all time.

6. Eugene's Super Slip-Up

Let's say you have a buddy. Earlier tonight, that buddy was recognized for his "outstanding moral character" with an award. Let's say this buddy approaches you about celebrating his award with a couple of hooker blowjobs. Would you...

A. Remind your friend that the Irony Gods love situations exactly like this one?
B. Remind your friend that he is both married and a professional athlete, two statuses which come with a lifetime supply of blowjobs?
C. Remind your friend that he is supposed to play in the Super Bowl tomorrow, and that being arrested is literally the worst possible thing that can happen with the night?
D. All of the above?

5. The Lake Minnetonka Love Boat

So it's a few weeks into the season, and things haven't gone according to plan for the team. Time to get away for a vacation, reset everyone to "neutral," and attack the rest of the season. Sounds like a great idea, right? Minnesota Vikings fans back in 2005 must have thought so. That is, until details surfaced about what went down aboard the team cruise. Details, such as...

-Bryant McKinnie picking up a woman walking past him, setting her down on the bar, and beginning cunnilingus on her. All in one motion. As staff watched. A little-known fact is that McKinnie's 7-year, $48-million extension signed the following September was forced by a competing offer from Brazzers.
-Fred Smoot "was seen holding a double-headed dildo and moving the dildo while each end was inserted into the vagina of two women who were lying on the floor near the lounge area of the charter boat. After a period of time, one of the women got up and Mr. Smoot continued to manipulate the dildo inside the other woman." The preceding quote was taken verbatim from court documents related to the case. Just how the judge kept a straight face while reading that is beyond me.
-Daunte Culpepper and Moe Williams both got lap dances, and both were allegedly very handsy with the strippers in question.
-Mewelde Moore, Darren Sharper, Koren Robinson, and Jermaine Wiggins were also involved.
-Joe Johnstone and Smoot were the ringleaders, allegedly touring the boats in the days before. Johnstone's credit card was used to pay for the excursion.
-17 total players were involved, and the two-boat orgy allegedly had 90 people involved total, including girls and boat staff.

Smoot, McKinnie, and Williams ended up with convictions as a result of the nautical sex party, Culpepper was charged but the charges were later dropped. At the time of the party, the team was 1-4. After binging on strippers, the team went on a 7-1 run. The lesson here, as always? Nothing brings a team together like strippers.

4. Hail to the Victors? You Betcha!

Sarah Palin wasn't always a reality TV star and cable news pundit. Before that, she was a Republican nominee for Vice-President. And before that, she was the governor of Alaska. But even before all that, way back in 1987, Sarah's folksy demeanor and aw-shucks version of English were put to use as a sports reporter with an Anchorage news station. In this context, she covered a Division I tournament, in which the Michigan Wolverines were a participant. And, as a result, she had a one-night stand with then-Michigan guard Glen Rice, less than one year before eloping with husband Todd and turning into the hockey mom we all adore today. It might shock squeamish socially-conservative Palin fans in the nigra-hating Bible Belt to learn that Sarah once "had a fetish for black men," and "hauled Rose's ass down." All of this is being revealed in a new tell-all Palin biography, out Monday.

What's the best part here? You mean, other than Sarah Palin's black-dude fetish, or Sarah Palin transitioning from "NCAA groupie" to "all-American housewife" in a year? Imagining how awesome it must have been for Glen Rice to get a phone call from the book's author to validate the story, then learning that the random reporter skank you plowed up in Bumfuck, AK twenty-three years ago and quickly forgot about turned out to be a future Vice-Presidential nominee. On the sliding scale of ex-hookup results, Glen Rice is the end-point for "good." Early Vegas odds have Shawn Kemp as the favorite to be named for "bad." Stay tuned.

3. The Gold Club

The textbook "everything but the kitchen sink" scandal. This one had it all. A strip club with Mob ties, a historically packed cast list of celebrities, athletes, mafioso, strippers, and all-around scumbags. Sexual favors, shady doings, and even a guy named "Ziggy." In November 1999, Steve Kaplan was indicted on federal racketeering charges. Kaplan was the owner of the club, and the trial essentially accused him of taking over the Gold Club and turning it into a real-life version of the Bada Bing from The Sopranos--rampant drug use, lavish perks for high-profile clients, involvement from the Gambino crime family, and layers upon layers of fraud. Notable details include:

-Knicks guard Larry Johnson was Kaplan's first athlete-client. In 1994, Johnson fucked a Gold Club stripper under Kaplan's direction. No word on whether or not Larry made the stripper dress up like Grandmama.
-Later in '94, John Starks visited the club and took in a lesbian sex scene and fucked one of the strippers involved. Kaplan testified that he was surprised that a devout Christian and family man like Starks would do this.
-In 1997, Kaplan arranged a comfort mission to South Carolina, where the Knicks were playing an exhibition game. He paid six strippers $1,000 apiece to have sex with players. Later that year, former Gold Card exec Ziggy Sicignano testified about a night later that season, in which Patrick Ewing led some of his Knicks teammates to a private party in a back room at the Gold Club with six to ten strippers. An ex-gold club manager also testified that she walked in on Ewing getting a blowjob from a club employee. According to Ewing's testimony on the night, "the girls danced, started fondling me, I got aroused, they performed oral sex. I hung around a little bit and talked to them, then I left." If that's not a priceless senior quote, I don't know what is.
-In 1996, Andruw Jones took in a lesbian show of his own, then fucked one or both of the girls. Ziggy testified that Jones had sex with at least one of the girls. Jones testified that he had sex with both, following that up with "to tell you the truth, I wouldn't remember one of their faces right now." If that's not two priceless senior quotes in two paragraphs, I don't know what is.
-Dennis Rodman frequented the club quite often, engaging in at least one threesome with club employees. He was also good friends with Kaplan, and the two were often seen in public together. The lesson here, as always--when Dennis Rodman is making you a major part of his life, you are probably making a terrible decision unless Michael Jordan is also involved.
-Ziggy (by the way, this one gets major bonus points for prominently featuring a guy named "Ziggy") named Raptor Antonio Davis, who was married, as a client who had received sex at the club. When Davis denied the allegations and sued for defamation, Ziggy realized that he really meant teammate Dale Davis. Whoops.

None of the above are terribly illegal--I mean, Jones was 19 years old when he was most assuredly getting comped drinks during his live-lesbian-porn sesh, but that's hardly "drag in the federal prosecutors and keep a cell ready in lockup" territoroy. The problem was that Kaplan's business model involved raising the club's profile by providing favors to the famous, so they show up, then defrauding the shit out of the regular rich folk who come in. Eighteen claimants accused Kaplan of credit card fraud--and that's not even touching on how many victims just shut the hell up, rather than having their names dragged through a strip club indictment.

Kaplan relinquished ownership of the club, paid millions in fines, and served three years in jail. And Antonio Davis would get into trouble a few years later in which he stormed into the stands to break up a fight between a fan and his wife--and it was later revealed that it was his wife who was threatening to beat the living hell out of the man. So I'm sure that whole "I'm getting implicated in this strip club trial, but I'm totally innocent" thing went over real well for him at the time. Crazy women are well known for taking a "make 100% sure before you snap on him" approach when it comes to infidelity.

2. Kobe!

During the summer of 2003, Kobe Bryant was arrested after a 19-year-old hotel employee accused him of raping her. Bryant admitted to consensual sex with the woman, but denied raping her. Kobe would buy his wife the shiniest, most expensive apology in history just days later. The story permeated an entire NBA offseason, before the charges were eventually dropped, as the accuser showed up to a rape test with multiple samples of semen in her underwear (kind of a damning blow when your entire case is structured around "I didn't want it). Later stories suggest that the incident began consensually, but the girl was not an NBA groupie and objected to Kobe going for what is known in NBA circles as "The Trinity"--oral, then vaginal, then anal to finish. Just the thought of the look on David Stern's face as a slightly-terrified intern tries to explain The Trinity to him makes me smile.

1. Tiger on the Prowl

Shit, did this happen almost two years ago already? Last Thanksgiving, we found out that Tiger Woods had been involved in a car accident. Then "car accident" turned into "domestic dispute" and we were instantly captivated. Then it came to someone's attention that the National Enquirer had, less than a week earlier, outed Woods for an extramarital affair. The allegations were published without incident because, come on, it's the goddamn National Enquirer. Now we were hooked. Once a San Diego cocktail waitress came forward with a claim of a two-and-a-half year affair and a voice mail in which Tiger warns her that his wife is going through his phone. Within two weeks of the accident that started it all, more than two dozen women came forward admitting to affairs with Woods. Tiger was forced into a hiatus from golf, lost millions in sponsorship money, admitted to nailing over 120 women just over the course of his marriage, and his injury-plagued golf game has not recovered. Yet, at the same time, he was married to a Swedish nanny/supermodel, and averaging over twenty extracurricular vaginas a year during that marriage. Most men would gladly give up everything they own for that kind of life.

The Ten Most Lopsided Mid-Season Trades in Baseball History

2011-07-14T14:55:00.000-05:00

If you're a Brewers fan, you were probably paying attention this week, as Prince Fielder carried the National League to victory in the pretty much meaningless All-Star Game. It's probably a little bit less likely you were paying attention as, just minutes after the game, the Brewers essentially stole Francisco Rodriguez from the Mets for two players to be named later--likely to be two long-shot prospects. It instantly legitmizes a bullpen that, other than John Axford, has been quite shaky. It also brings in a player with big-time postseason experience. All the Brewers have to do is keep him in a set-up role--a clause in his contract stipulates that he will be owed an additional $17 million if he finishes 21 more games.

While it's clear that this trade is quite one-sided--the Mets main victory in the trade is avoiding the $17 million paycheck at any cost--it will likely not even crack the Top 10 list of lopsided mid-season trades. Every year around this time, teams take inventory of who needs to add a player or two to make the push to the postseason, and who needs to get something, anything in return for a superstar who is going to depart anyway.

Sometimes the trade works out great for both sides. Two examples of this are often cited as bad trades, but they miss out Top 10 list.

1990: Red Sox send Jeff Bagwell to Astros for Larry Andersen
1987: Tigers send John Smoltz to Braves for Doyle Alexander

Bagwell and Smoltz both went on to Hall of Fame careers for their new teams. What's often forgotten is that Anderson and Alexander both did EXACTLY what their new teams wanted them to do. Andersen complied a 1.23 ERA for his partial season in Boston, shoring up their bullpen. Alexander was even more spectacular--posting a Sabathiaesque 9-0 record and 1.53 ERA down the stretch as the Tigers won their division. Because of this, I just can't include either trade on the list.

Sometimes a team has their back up against the wall. Their star player is eligible for free agency in the winter, and he has made no secret about his desire to leave whatever hellhole he's stuck in. Alternately, he might not be headed for free agency, but he's being paid a hell of a lot more than a losing team can afford to spend on any individual player, and by the time a contender could be built around him he'll either be too old or gone anyway. Might as well get something back in return, am I right? Oftentimes these trades are ripped after the fact, but the context is lost to history--hey, can't let a little thing like "reality" get in the way of ripping on the GM.

1993: Padres send Fred McGriff to the Braves for Vince Moore, Donnie Elliott, and Melvin Nieves
1995: Blue Jays send David Cone to the Yankees for Marty Janzen, Jason Jarvis, and Mike Gordon
1996: Brewers send Greg Vaughn to the Padres for Bryce Florie, Ron Villone, and Marc Newfield

In each case, the team in question had to move the guy, which put them at a great disadvantage. When everybody else knows you have to make a sale, they will lowball you to death. However, as we will see, plenty of teams have still engineered gamebreaker trades out of this situation--and the Padres, Jays, and Brewers got next to nothing in return for their stars.

1997: A's send Mark McGwire to the Cardinals for TJ Matthews, Eric Ludwick, and Blake Stein
1989: Rangers send Sammy Sosa, Wilson Alvarez and Darrin Fletcher to the White Sox for Harold Baines and Fred Manrique

These two trades are being kept off the list. Had McGwire and Sosa not pumped themselves full of ungodly amounts of artificial muscle, they would both look a hell of a lot better.

So now that we've taken care of the Honorable Mentions, let's get on to the main event.

10.
1996: Indians send Jeromy Burnitz to the Brewers for Kevin Seitzer

A month after whiffing on the Vaughn trade (still haunts me to this day--Marc Newfield?! Marc Newfield?!) the broken clock that was Sal Bando got the time correct for once. By '96, Seitzer was nothing more than a DH--and not even a particularly good one at that. He could still touch .300 with his batting average, but had never provided any kind of home run threat, and his speed had long since left him. In return, the Brewers got Burnitz--left as the odd man out in Cleveland's star-studded outfield, he turned into a legitimate star with the Brewers, though nobody outside of Milwaukee remembers it today.

9.
2000: Indians send David Justice to the Yankees for Jake Westbrook, Ricky Ledee, and Zach Day

Yikes. Justice turned into a monster for the Yankees down the stretch, and would end up being named the ALCS MVP that season. Westbrook developed into an injury-prone back-end starter, Day never pitched for the Indians and didn't pitch in the majors a whole ton for anybody else either, and Ledee would turn into a journeyman backup outfielder for over half a dozen teams, hitting a robust .243 for his career.

8.
2001: Pirates send Jason Schmidt and John Vander Wal to the Giants for Armando Rios and Ryan Vogelsong

Fact: We could easily make it to a respectable Top 10 list using only examples from the Pittsburgh Pirates. The Schmidt deal stands out as particularly putrid, however. He had reached double digit wins in 1997-99 with Gawd-awful Pirates teams, and was regarded as an elite pitcher stuck behind a team that would not help him win games. In return, the Pirates got Rios and Vogelsong--two notoriously injury-prone prospects who turned into notoriously injury-prone and ineffective major leaguers. It makes you wonder if Dave Littlefield bothered reading the scouting report on them, or just decided "Screw it--we'll roll the dice and see if these two guys work out!"

How did Schmidt do after leaving the baseball purgatory of Pittsburgh? He went 7-1 down the stretch in 2001, then ran off with the 2003 Cy Young award, compiling a 17-5 record with a league-best 2.34 ERA for the Giants. San Fran got 78 wins out of Schmidt. Pittsburgh got a Mitchell Report mention out of Rios.

7.
2007: Braves send Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Elvis Andrus, Neftali Feliz, and Matt Harrison to the Rangers for Mark Teixeira

Teixeira is a great player, don't get me wrong. Why do the Braves make the list for this then? Well, they paid a very princely sum for Tex--Feliz is an All-Star closer, Andrus is an All-Star shortstop at the tender age of 22, and Harrison is a steady back-end starter. Only Salty Balls didn't work out. And after that, the Braves kept Tex for only a year, trading him to the Angels next July for the craptastic Casey Kotchman and minor league pitcher Stephen Marek. I decided to include this trade on the list instead simply because the Braves gave up so fucking much for a player they weren't 100% sure they were going to be able to re-sign a year and a half later.

6.
1988: Yankees send Jay Buhner to the Mariners for Ken Phelps

This one gets bonus points for being immortalized by Seinfeld. Sorry I couldn't embed the video. But Frank speaks for pretty much every baseball fan--particularly Yankees fans--in regards to this trade. Phelps was 34 years old at the time and, as is often the case with players of his age, he hit the fan quickly--batting .240 with 17 home runs for the Yankees, who quietly dumped him off on Oakland a year later. Meanwhile, Buhner would go on to become best known as the bald-headed power threat who protected Ken Griffey Jr throughout most of his Seattle years. He would total 310 home runs in a Mariner uniform.

5.
1996: Mariners send Jason Varitek and Derek Lowe to the Red Sox for Heathcliff Slocumb

Like the Buhner trade for Seattle, only the exact opposite. I don't know what's the worst part about this deal. Is it the fact that Varitek and Lowe both played key parts in ending the Red Sox title drought? Is it the fact that Slocumb sucked something awful? Personally, I think it's the fact that the 2001 Mariners were arguably the greatest team assembled in recent memory--and instead of a young Varitek behind the plate, they were stuck with a rapidly-aging Dan Wilson.

Regardless, this one screwed the Mariners in every way imaginable. Slocumb spent a season and a half as the M's "closer," losing 9 games while converting only 13 save opportunities. Unsurprisingly, the Mariners had zero interest in re-signing him at this point. Meanwhile, Lowe had his ups and downs but his performance in the 2004 postseason helped carry Boston to the title. And while Varitek is most likely not a Hall of Famer, his name will never be forgotten by Sox fans.

4.
1964: Cubs send Lou Brock to the Cardinals for Ernie Broglio and Bobby Shantz

Yeah, we're going old school for this one. Brock turned into a Hall of Famer, one of the most threatening baserunners of his day, a man who once stole 118 bases in a season. But at the time, the Cubs were fighting for the playoffs, and--not a lot of people remember this--the deal was considered a steal for them. Broglio was a 21-game winning in 1960, and in '63 had won 18 and put up an ERA just below 3. He instantly collapsed into mediocrity upon joining Chicago, posting a mediocre 7-19 record and 5.29 ERA over his two-plus years with the team. This one is oftentimes cited as the worst trade of all-time. I give it a pass for just bad luck. Broglio was only 28 at the time--and the Cardinals got the break of all-time by dealing him just before his career nosedived.

3.
1977: The New York Mets "Midnight Massacre"
New York Mets send Tom Seaver to the Reds for Pat Zachry, Steve Henderson, Doug Flynn, and Dan Norman
New York Mets send Dave Kingman to the Padres for Paul Siebert and Bobby Valentine

Has any team ever seen such a dramatic, negative roster turnover in 24 hours? Seaver was a Hall of Famer, and Kingman was a talented, productive power hitter who history seems to forget--but who had put up 73 home runs in the past two seasons, and was the only offensive threat on an otherwise pedestrian Mets club. In return, the Mets got--nothing. Henderson would be swapped to return Kingman a few years later, Flynn was a standard good-field-no-hit middle infielder, Zachry provided one All-Star season before collapsing, and Norman struggled to maintain a major league job. Siebert and Valentine would both be out of baseball by the end of the decade.

Ownership had been locked in a dispute with Seaver over his contract all season, and New York Daily News columnist Dick Young ripped into Seaver all season. When Young eventually wrote that Seaver was being forced into asking for a raise because his wife was jealous of how much money Nolan Ryan was making in California, Seaver demanded to be traded. So you can't exactly give the Mets a break for being forced to trade Seaver--they brought it on themselves. And in renting out Kingman for three years, the Mets missed two of his most productive ones. Just a traumatic day all around.

2.
2002: The Montreal Expos send Lee Stevens, Brandon Phillips, Grady Sizemore, and Cliff Lee to the Cleveland Indians for Bartolo Colon and Tim Drew

I can actually smell this turd of a trade through my laptop screen. In 2002, the Expos were on life support--owned and operated by Major League Baseball until a suitable owner could be found. General manager Omar Minaya, then, was given extremely limited financial resources to work with. Colon would be re-traded for the much less attractive package of Rocky Biddle, Orlando Hernandez, and Jeff Liefer the next offseason.

Stevens was a replacement-level player much of his career, and he faded away shortly after the trade. But the other trio of players would combine for multiple All-Star appearances and Gold Glove awards, and (Cliff) Lee would end up adding a Cy Young Award to that resume. Meanwhile as Philips, Sizemore, and Lee enjoyed their respective primes in Somewhere That's Not Montreal Or Washington, the now-Nationals bottomed out and landed Stephen Strasburg. However, by that time, Minaya was long gone--and rightly so.

1.
2003: Pittsburgh Pirates send Aramis Ramirez and Kenny Lofton to the Chicago Cubs for Matt Bruback, Jose Hernandez, and Bobby Hill

Protip: Any time you give up the best short-term rental (Lofton) and the best long-term prospect (Ramirez) involved in a deal, it's gonna end brutally. Ye gods, did this one end brutally.

Ramirez was only 25 years old at the time, and had blossomed into a streaky, but talented third baseman. Lofton was a few years from retirement, but still fleet-footed for his age and a good veteran lead-off hitter. Lofton led off for the Cubs as they came a Steve Bartman away from the World Series, and Ramirez is still their starting third baseman today--and one of the best veteran bats in the league. Bruback never made the major leagues, Hernandez's 2002 All-Star season in Milwaukee turned out to be a contract-year fluke, but his record-setting strikeout rate didn't. And Hill had been a prime second base prospect once upon a time, but he never reached his potential and by that point in his career he was not even performing at replacement level.

I'd like to imagine the deal also involved Cubs GM Jim Hendry and Littlefield also involved the hushing up of some lifeless hooker bodies that Hendry saw Littlefield moving. Otherwise, I see absolutely no other justification for it.

Ten Sports Conspiracies That'll Make Ya Think

2011-07-07T18:46:00.000-05:00

Secrets are fun, unless you're the one the secret is being kept from. People have a natural desire to uncover secrets--just ask Elin Nordegren and Tiger Woods' wireless provider. The world around us is rife with conspiracy theories--some outlandish (Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets!), some thought-provoking (Hunter S. Thompson's "suicide" happened because he was about to out a major pedophilia ring in Washington DC), some proven fact (here's seven of them). And the world of sports is no different.

With that being said, I present for your consideration the following.

Honorable Mention
Dale Does Daytona

Background: During the 85th lap of the 2001 Daytona 500, racing legend Dale Earnhardt Sr. was killed in a crash on the final lap. All across the South, people took their dick out of their sister long enough to mourn like they had never mourned before. Five months later, the Pepsi 400 was the first race held at Daytona Motor Speedway since the fatal crash. The stage was set for a heartstring-tugging of epic proportions--a prime-time race, Dale Jr. trying to avenge his dad's death, Dale Jr. trying to win at Daytona for the first time, the first NASCAR race televised on NBC after the network just inked a lucrative deal. It seemed curious to observers that Dale Jr.'s car looked just a little more powerful out there on the track that day--which should've been impossible in a restrictor-plate race. In seventh place with six laps to go, Little E came out blazing, and finished the storybook script with a win. Everyone celebrated.

Where's The Evidence?: The financial motivation was there, as NBC had just signed NASCAR to it's most lucrative TV contract ever. The fan-base motivation was there as well--racing fans pretty much universally approved of the result. There's no reason to doubt it.

So, How Likely Was It?: Very. NASCAR is pretty much constantly under accusation of fixing races, and Tony Stewart even caused a controversy a few years ago by comparing the sport to professional wrestling. And why not? The two entities have pretty much got a duopoly on the trailer-park demographic.

Final Rating: 0/5 tinfoil football helmets. Disqualified on the basis that NASCAR isn't really a sport.

10.
Sha-Miracle on Ice

Background: Come on, do I really need to explain the Miracle on Ice to you? You know the story of the game. Let's just watch the final minute together.

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Okay, now that we've all got goosebumps--what if the Soviets threw the game?

Yeah.

Tensions between the nations were at a peak in 1980, even by Cold War standards. Rumor had it that Jimmy Carter was planning a boycott of the Summer Games in Moscow in response to the Soviet Union's invasion of Afghanistan. So, the theory goes, the Soviets decided to throw the medal-round game, hoping to goad the Americans into attending their Games.

Where's The Evidence?: The Soviet hockey team was a fucking juggernaut. Less than a year ago they had won the Challenge Cup against a Canadian all-star team convincingly. Just two weeks earlier, the Americans had been pasted 10-3 in an exhibition matchup. In the round-robin, things went no differently--the Red Machine rolled over Japan, the Netherlands, Poland, Finland, and Canada by a combined score of 51-11. This was the Dream Team on steroids--which, knowing the Soviet athletic program at the time, is probably truer than you could imagine. Furthermore, after the 2-2 first period, Soviet coach Viktor Tikhonov inexplicably pulled Vladislav Tretiak--considered by many to be the best goalie in the world. His backup, Vladimir Myshkin, conceded two goals in the third period that probably could've been saved. And, with the game still hanging in the balance in the last few minutes, Tikhonov never once even attempted to pull his goalie.

So, How Likely Is It?: I wouldn't get my hopes up. The goalie switch has been criticized to all hell in the past thirty-plus years, but in Tikhonov's defense, Tretiak let in an easy goal just before the first break, and had not looked sharp in the first. It was a dumb decision, but he would hardly be the first coach to sabotage his team by overreacting to something. His failure to pull the goalie was a lot more damning, but still hardly conclusive. In 1980, the Olympic hockey competition did not have a tournament-style medal round. Rather, the two top teams from each round-robin group advanced to a "super group." The round-robin game against your group's co-qualifier counted again, and you played the other group's two qualifiers. The Americans came in having tied Sweden in their group, and the Soviets had beaten Finland by two goals. Had the Americans tied or lost to Finland, the Soviets still had a shot at the gold--and point differential was used as the tiebreaker.

That, and it was 1980, and we're talking about the Cold War. The Russkies wanted us at their Olympics, but they also prided themselves on hockey--losing to the Americans was just not acceptable.

Final Rating: 1/5 tinfoil football helmets. I just can't bring myself to believe that the Soviets would have staged a humiliating defeat, handing the driver's seat for the gold medal to the filthy capitalist pigs they hated so much.

9.
Lock Out Below!

Background: If you're a sports fan, you know all about the current NBA and NFL lockouts. The threat to our winter is very, very real. College basketball is great, but there's a massive sports hole that still looks as if it will need to be plugged in a few months. And where, we ask, is that plug coming from?

You answered hockey, didn't you? Clearly, you've paid no attention to how fervently ESPN works to ignore hockey. We're talking about financial matters here--the big players at play are ESPN and Nike. You know that soccer boom that's been predicted for decades in America? Well, if it's not going to happen organically we'll just force it.

Where's The Evidence? ESPN has become a big player in soccer in recent years. They broadcast international competitions, major European Champions League matches, and have even started carrying Premier League matches on Saturday mornings. Contrast this to their post-lockout hockey coverage, which pretty much consists of "Hey, there's this game thingy that some people play on ice! Now stay tuned for more discussion on LeBron James!"

But ESPN isn't the biggest benefactor to a soccer boom in America. Soccer is the number one sport in America. Played by children. This ceases to be once these children become teenagers. And since soccer is probably the most co-ed sport, Nike has twice the market to sell to.

So How Likely Is It? Far more likely in the case of the NFL than the NBA. The NBA lockout was clearly organic, and clearly necessary. The league is in financial disarray. Just ask the Maloofs. But the NFL lockout? This is the situation where the owners actually still have money, the players demands aren't outrageous, and the owners are still crying poverty. Could ESPN and Nike be pulling the strings?

I still don't think so.

Final Rating: 1.5/5 tinfoil football helmets. Gets a bonus half for precedent: Nike essentially paid Inter Milan's transfer fee for Cristiano Ronaldo to keep him from going to Real Madrid (and wearing Adidas gear).

8.
The Greatest Wager Ever Placed

Background: It's 1958. Football is still mired as baseball's little sister pastime, and the college game still eclipses the NFL in importance by quite a bit. But the NFL is about to break into the big time--television. For the first time, their championship game is going to be broadcast across the nation. The Baltimore Colts and New York Giants will play live across the country for the league's title.

Unlike many future championship games, this one lives up to the hype. A slow first quarter was marked by turnovers, and the benching of Giants' quarterback Don Heinrich. In the second, two Baltimore scores gave them a 14-3 halftime lead. Early in the third quarter, Baltimore threatened to break the game open. But New York stopped the Colts twice from their own one yard line, forcing a turnover on downs. The Giants took the ball down the field for a touchdown to cut the deficit to 4, then took the lead early in the 4th quarter. The game became the first overtime game in professional football history when the legendary Johnny Unitas engineered what some consider the greatest drive in football history--taking his Colts 73 yards into field goal range against one of the toughest defenses in NFL history for Steve Myhra to boot the game-tier as time expired. The Giants won the toss, and almost blew the game on the kickoff when Don Maynard fumbled it, but recovered. After a three-and-out, the Giants punted--and Unitas against led his team down the field into field goal range. However, rather than trying the kick, the offense stayed on the field--culminating in Alan Ameche's famous one-yard plunge for the game-winning score.

The game was watched by an estimated 45 million Americans, and signified the arrival of football on the major sports scene. Twelve Hall of Famers played in the game, and five others were involved as coaches or owners (the Giants staff included Vince Lombardi as offensive coordinator and Tom Landry as defensive coordinator).

Where's The Evidence? The question that has held for ages--why in the hell did the Colts not try for a field goal in overtime? They had possession at the 20. Unitas passed to the 8. Ameche ran for a yard, then Unitas again threw, getting them to the 1, where Ameche plugged it in. Curiously enough, the game had a four-point spread. As the theory goes, Baltimore owner Carrol Rosenbloom had placed a $1 million bet on his team. A field goal wins them the championship, but loses him some serious money.

So, How Likely Is It? Really, it's not all that unlikely. Despite what you might think from his game-tier with time running out, Myhra was not a good kicker. In fact, "not good" might be the understatement of the century. He was a putrid 4 for 10 on the season for field goals. His first attempt of the game, in the first quarter, came out low and was blocked. Early in the fourth, Baltimore actually used defensive back Bert Reichicar for a longer attempt (something they did fairly often--Reichicar specialized in long field goals for much of his career, and Myhra had a weak leg). Even Myhra's conversion had been a mishit kick that barely wobbled through the uprights. Coach Weeb Ewbank had no confidence in his kicker, and rightly so. Since it was 1958 and the 24-hour second-guessing machine that is today's sports media didn't exist yet, it was easy for Ewbank to trust his Hall of Fame quarterback and offense that had just sliced through the New York defense--twice--as opposed to his kicker who was presumably standing at the end of the bench, knees knocking together.

Final Rating: 1.5/5 tinfoil football helmets. Though I loove the idea of an owner placing a million-dollar bet on his own team, the fact remains that Steve Myhra would hold the title of "Kicker You Absolutely Don't Want Taking a Pressure Kick Under Any Circumstances" until Kyle Brotzman would yank it away 50 years later.

7.
Rigged Battle of the Sexes

Background: Women's tennis was rapidly growing in the 1970s. Bobby Riggs was a former #1-ranked player, now 55 years old and desperately hanging on. Riggs derided the women's game, claiming that even at 55 he could beat any of the best women's players. Billie Jean King initially declined the challenge, and Riggs played a three-set match against the world's #1 women's player, Margaret Court. Riggs smoked Court in straight sets, vaulting him back to fame. He issued another challenge to King, who this time accepted.

The match was nothing like the first. King played the aging Riggs to perfection, spreading her shots and eschewing her usual aggressive style, content to wear her opponent out. Riggs switched to a more aggressive style, but was still trounced in straight sets.

Where's The Evidence? How else could Riggs have been so successful against the top-ranked women's player of the time, then so futile against King? Almost instantly, it was theorized that Riggs had lost on purpose--it was clear to many onlookers that he had not played anywhere near his best game.

So, How Likely Is It? More likely than not. Riggs was notable as a shameless gambler. In 1939, Riggs made history by winning the Wimbledon triple (singles, doubles, mixed doubles). It was revealed in his autobiography that he had placed bets on himself to win all three titles, and got very rich off of the result. After retiring from the professional game in 1949, he was well known as a tennis and golf hustler--often handicapping himself to entice opponents into betting.

Riggs was a heavy underdog coming into the Battle, and the hype had ensured that a big payoff could be had. It would absolutely be in his character to take a dive--after all, the match was no more than an exhibition in the grand scheme of things.

Final Rating: 2/5 tinfoil football helmets. Yeah, there's probably a lot of truth to it. But it was an exhibition match, so who really cares?

6.
Sonny's Money

Background: Ali-Liston I (known at the time as Liston-Clay) was one of the most hyped title bouts in boxing history. Liston came in as a hated champion, known as a thug with not-so-hidden connections to organized crime. Clay was a brash 22-year-old who refused to shut up. Clay entered the match as a 7-to-1 betting underdog, but it was clear from the first round that this was a mistake. Clay's legendary combination of speed and strength blew Liston away and the champion refused to answer the seventh-round bell with a separated shoulder. Because of the unexpected end, the WBC ordered a rematch.

By this time, Clay had changed his name and converted to Islam. For licensing reasons, the fight had to be moved to Lewiston, Maine (rather than Boston, where it was supposed to be held). Early in the first round, Liston went to the canvas. Confusion reigned, as referee Jersey Joe Walcott attempted to send Ali to a neutral corner, but Ali refused, famously standing over Liston and yelling at him to "Get up and fight, sucker!" A ten-count was issued, and Ali was declared the winner.

Where's the Evidence? Liston was a feared fighter, and several challengers prefaced Ali-Liston I by stating that they would fight Ali if he won, but not Liston. Liston came from an abusive father, and was caught for robbery as a teenager. He spent 8 years in prison, where he learned to box. Though it hasn't been proven, it has been alleged that he also made Mafia connections while in prison. These connections are often cited as the main reason for Liston taking a dive--he owed money, and he bet against himself to cover this.

Another theory is that the Nation of Islam threatened to kill Liston if he won. Liston even supported this theory in a later interview with author Mark Kram--though it's impossible to tell if he was telling the truth or just covering for the fact that he got dropped on his ass within 30 seconds of the start of the match.

And if you're claiming that Liston wouldn't have dived that obviously, well, we're talking about a career boxer who also spent almost a decade in prison, after living in an abusive home. That's pretty much a three-act play of brain damage right there.

So, How Likely Is It? Liston's career record against fighters not named "Muhammad Ali" or "Cassius Clay" was 50-2. Ali was the greatest fighter of all time, but he was known as a great all-around fighter, not a brawler. The witnesses who didn't see the knockout punch don't help matters. Neither did Ali, who himself couldn't remember if he had hit Liston, a stiff breeze had knocked him over, or if he had just randomly dropped for 20 seconds of his own accord.

Final Rating: 2/5 tinfoil helmets. Conspiracies that are true, obviously, get some bonus. Conspiracies that are true in this transparent of a fashion, however, don't.

5.
I Swear I'm Clean, Babe!

Background: If you don't know who Babe Ruth is, please feel free to explain how in the hell natural selection hasn't taken you down yet. Even if you're not a baseball fan, you know the man who made the game a national obsession. His home run binges would foreshadow the great Mark McGwire/Sammy Sosa chase only, well, Babe was jucied up on good ol' American hot dogs and mugs of beer, rather than creepy syringes of Androstenedione and female fertility drugs.

What isn't mentioned in a lot of the historical glurge about Ruth is his love of the nightlife. Well, it's mentioned, but largely glossed over. The Babe loved to get drunk, and he loved to stick his dick in any vagina that would offer itself up. Despite being constantly drunk or hung over, Babe still dominated every offensive category year after year.

However, the Yankees broke from spring training in 1925 with their star player conspicuously absent. Ruth did not join the team until mid-May and, even when he was in the lineup, he was not the same player. He failed to hit .300 for the first time as a position player, failed to lead the league in home runs for the first time in his career, and drove in only 66 runs. The Yankees were secretive about what was keeping their star out of the lineup, continuously attributing it to a "stomachache." The team finished with a losing record for the only time in Ruth's career.

Where's The Evidence? It's located right here, homeboy. They may not have had advanced metrics in 1925, but that only allows us to measure what everybody knew at the time--the Babe wasn't the Babe that year. Take a look at the "Player value--Batting" chart on that page. For those unfamiliar, Wins Above Replacement refers to how many wins a team could expect that player to contribute above what a perfectly average player would at that position. Anything above 8 is considered really, really fucking good. Well, in the two years on either side of 1925 Ruth posted the following numbers: 12.8, 11.1, 11.5, 11.6. In 1925? A mere 2.2, barely rendering him "capable starter" status.

So what happened? The two most likely theories are alcohol poisoning and syphillis. Both theories fit.

So, How Likely Is It? Extremely. Ruth was a well-known philanderer (comparisons to Tiger Woods would actually be far more spot-on than you'd think), and he and his first wife separated, allegedly around 1926. And the Roaring Twenties were known for prohibition, but Ruth was known for his love of the drink. Poisoning from tainted liquor was common in Prohibition-times--kinda like how today you have really no concrete idea what's in those ecstasy pills. You might have been downing pure, Kentucky bourbon. Or, it might have been 10% bourbon, 5% gasoline, 85% water.

(The lesson here, as always? Fuck the temperance movement.)

Final Rating: 3/5 tinfoil football helmets. Though if this had happened in a different time period, we're looking at 10/5. Warrants mentioning.

4.
The NBWWF

Background: Curiously, all of our Top Four come out of the NBA. More specifically, the modern NBA. The Tim Donaghy scandal shook casual fans to their core, and caused those who had been paying attention to remark "wait, they only caught one ref for cheating?!" Only professional wrestling has a more visibly incompetent stable of officials. Dick Bavetta will never be able to live down his performance in Game Six of the 2002 Western Conference finals (in which Bavetta and Bob Delaney, outed by Donaghy as "company refs" who "acted in the best interest of the League" gave the Lakers 40 free throw attempts, including 27 in the fourth quarter. Joey Crawford has consistently antagonized Tim Duncan and the Spurs throughout his career--and whenever the league stands to benefit from the Spurs losing on the road in the playoffs, Crawford just happens to be slated to their game.

Where's The Evidence? The above-stated Kings-Lakers game deserves mention, as does the putrid 2006 Finals, in which Dwyane Wade's free-throw shooting essentially carried Miami to the title. Donaghy essentially confirmed every fan's suspicion in his testimony--singling out the Kings-Lakers game, but claiming that it was commonplace for "top executives of the NBA to manipulate games using referees."

How Likely Is It? Well, we know it WAS happening. Is it still happening? Considering the institutionalized nature of corruption according to Donaghy, and considering the fact that the NBA has not overhauled it's officiating crew, I'd say so.

Final Rating: 4/5 tinfoil football helmets. Donaghy is basically basketball's Jose Canseco at this point--he's entertaining, and I really think he's giving us a good inside look, but I just can't trust someone that shady.

3.
Jordan's Cross To Bear

Background: We've got the best baseball player of all time on the list (Ruth). We've got Unitas, Landry, and Lombardi. The Soviet Hockey Team. Greatness attracts controversy. And Michael Jordan was no different. In 1993, on the heels of his third consecutive championship season with the Bulls, controversy surfaced regarding Jordan's compulsive gambling. An investigation was launched. With the '94 season approaching, Jordan unexpectedly retired from the game.

Where's The Evidence? Jordan was still at the top of his game, having won three consecutive NBA titles, and anchored the Dream Team in the middle of it all. The "investigation" was dropped quietly and never really referenced again. Conspiracy #2 is also evidence here, though I don't want to get into that now. Some people claimed that they had won millions off of Jordan in bets. All of a sudden, an investigation is called, then ended months later inconclusively? With the best player in the world walking away from the game? More likely, David Stern wanted Jordan suspended, but neither Jordan nor Stern wanted to deal with the backlash that would come from this. So Jordan "retired" for a year and a half, then decided he wanted to play again.

So, How Likely Is It? Let me get it straight: the world's greatest basketball player, a man we know to be pathologically competitive almost to a fault, decides to walk away from the game at the pinnacle? Okay, I guess I could buy that. But he waited until the beginning of the next season to announce his retirement? Well, Brett Favre sure did stranger things than that. So he announces his retirement, to "spend more time with his family?" Followed by him spending seven months playing minor league baseball? And, in an interview, when asked if he would ever come back, slipping "If Stern will let me?"

Final Rating: 4.5/5 tinfoil football helmets. I sincerely hope that Jordan comes out with the truth on his deathbed someday.

2.
Jordan's Other Cross To Bear

Background: And you thought that losing a season and a half was the only Jordan gambling casualty...

On July 23, 1993, James Jordan, Michael's father, slept in his car at a rest stop on I95 while returning home from a funeral. While there, he was shot and killed in his sleep. Two teenagers, Daniel Green and Larry Demery, were convicted of the killing. Green denies it to this day, and believes he will walk free. At the time, the case was marred with conflicting accounts--as of last year, it has been reopened for investigation after a new report stated that mistakes may have been made.

Where's The Evidence? It's spotty at best here. The broken nature of the investigation is sketchy, as is the timing of the murder in relation to Jordan's first retirement. But that's the tricky part about this one--you can't prove it, but you really can't disprove it either. Jordan was known to be extremely close to his father, and was also known to be an extremely competitive, petty person. Even with his money, it's not out of the question that he bailed on a debt he felt was won unfairly--and bailed on the wrong person.

So, How Likely Is It? I honestly can't decide on this one. There seems to be no motive for James' killers. We know that Michael gambles compulsively, and it's definitely in the realm of possibilities. But at the same time, the theory came out right after the death, and was eventually largely forgotten. You make the call.

Final Rating: 4.5/5 tinfoil football helmets. Half a point knocked off for the utter lack of concrete evidence in any direction. No matter what you believe, you're basing it off your gut instinct.

1.
The Ewing Lottery

Background: 1985 was the first year that the NBA used the lottery system to determine draft order. All non-playoff teams had an equal shot at every pick under the first lottery. Your winners... the New York Knicks, ensuring that much-hyped center Patrick Ewing would spend his career in New York. Under the old coin flip system, he would've gone to either Indiana or Golden State.

Look at the lottery picks that year: Ewing, Wayman Tisdale, Benoit Benjamin, Xavier McDaniel, Jon Konchak, Joe Kleine, Chris Mullin. With the exception of Mullin, that is UGLY. The lottery was basically all-or-nothing, and it was not a well-kept secret that the league wanted Ewing in New York.

Where's The Evidence? My God, we even have video evidence on this one.

Watch as he throws the envelopes into the tumbler. Specifically, watch the fourth one--up until that point, he just drops them at the bottom. The fourth envelope is kinda mashed up against the side of the wall, creating a barely-visible crease. (Just enough of a crease to be easily grabbable out of the group--it has also been theorized that this envelope was frozen prior to the drawing, too, which would've also aided in the ease of its selection). Stern pretends not to look as he reaches in, grabs a stack of envelopes, turns them over, and picks the one now at the top. The frozen, creased envelope! And the first pick goes to... The New York Knicks!

So, How Likely Is It? Again, you tell me. The video evidence is there. Unfortunately for the Knicks, karma kicked them in the ass--while Ewing was one of the great players of his generation, he never developed into the champion that he was supposed to.

Final Rating: 5/5 tinfoil football helmets. Fixed outcomes, an all-or-nothing result, video evidence, David Stern--now THAT'S a sports conspiracy! It was even pulled off sneakily enough to inspire just a little bit of doubt.

Missed Opportunities: The LeBron James Story (Part II)

2011-06-17T11:28:00.000-05:00

(If you missed Part I of today's piece, it can be found here.)

Oy. Not even Muammar Gaddafhi has taken this much damage in the past 12 months.

LeBron James, at this time last year, was the enigma of the nation. Everyone wondered just where he would be headed as a free agent. He was the consensus choice as the top player in the world.

Frustrated by years of a good-but-not-great supporting cast around him in Cleveland, Bron-Bron famously decided to take his talents to South Beach, in the process dethroning "taking the Cleveland Browns to the Super Bowl" as the greatest euphemism for taking a dump in existence. Sorry, Cleveland. It was a hell of a run. Heh... run.

Two days later, Miami's Big Three threw a welcome party that stands, in hindsight as the single greatest moment in comedy history. In doing so, they managed to piss off the rest of the league--and their fans--to no extent. As they say, pride comes before the fall.

And fall he did. We've learned some things this past year.

You can't win a championship with your entire cap space tied up into three players. Your 4-8 or 4-9 guys in your rotation matter just as much as the first three. And when your fourth best option is Udonis Haslem or Mike Bibby, well, that's generally cause for concern.
I really hope that Chris Bosh rented his place in Miami. There will be a scapegoat for this collapse, and it sure as fuck won't be LeBron or Wade. It wouldn't shock me in the least to see him moved this summer.
That being said, forget about the Greatest of All Time discussion for now, LeBron. Not only has your status as the best player in the league been wrecked, you're clearly not even the Alpha Dog on your own team.
Furthermore, playing with Wade has shined a microscope on all of LeBron's biggest flaws. He's mentally weak, and tends to shy from big moments (we knew this, but didn't see it because he was so far and away the best player in Cleveland--even if he was a blubbering pussy, they had nobody else come crunch time). He has no low-post game (if he fixed this, there's no doubt that Miami wins a title with him at some point). He has no "finishing move" a la Jordan's drive-stop-fade (later stolen by Kobe Bryant--and if you're keeping score at home, if he fixed both this AND his low-post softness, the Heat would be a lock for multiple titles). To the observer (hiya, folks!), he appears far more concerned with being a brand than a basketball player.
You can't win a title with your cap space tied up in your top 3 guys. Role players matter. Oh, did we cover this already? Well, it's important enough to warrant two mentions.
LeBron James is as mentally weak as any athlete we've ever seen with these physical gifts.

Look at how he played after he got punked out by Wade in Game 3. Is it just me, or did it look like he'd never had anyone do that to him before? Not a teammate, not a parent, not a teacher--the man has literally spent his entire life being told "yes." You can't shy away from the limelight, then freak out when someone pulls rank on you. That comes with the territory. You were the one who didn't want the pressure--with that responsibility gone goes the freedom to run your own show.

And please don't throw the triple-double in my face. I watched that game. I've been watching basketball since I was 5 years old and my dad took me to see a big rookie named Shaquille O'Neal. In those 17 years, I've never once seen a less impressive triple-double. It almost seemed like he was aiming for 10 rebounds and assists just to shut up the critics. "See, I'm contributing!"

When LeBron got crushed by the Lakers in the Finals, it was because they were a great team and he was only a great player on a good team. When he got beat by the Celtics in the twilight of his Cleveland career, it was because they were a great team and he was only a great player on a good team. Last summer, he attempted to rectify this. But he went about it all wrong--instead of going to a situation that complemented his unique and dynamic skill set, he chose Miami--which already had Wade, a similar player in style who actually believes in himself and can inspire his teammates to step their games up. A year later, and he's still an enigma--but he's not the same enigma, and certainly from his standpoint it's a change for the worse.

So what happens next? I honestly don't know. Maybe LeBron takes the slights to heart. Maybe he hits the gym this off-season with a passion we've never seen before. Maybe he develops and tunes his low-post game. Maybe he figures out how to close out a game. Maybe he turns the negativity into one of the best posty-hype runs in history. Maybe his confidence is shaken for good. Maybe he grows to resent Wade for bitching him out in front of America.

No matter what happens, we are all witnesses.

Missed Opportunities: The Stanley Cup Story (Part I)

2011-06-17T10:39:00.001-05:00

"What a horrible day for Canada and, therefore, the rest of the world."--South Park, Royal Pudding

Wednesday night's Game 7 Stanley Cup blowout might go down in history as the most disappointing Game 7 in recent memory.

It wasn't a terrible game, really. Boston played magnificently, and they thorougly deserved the Cup, and the glory that came with their come-from-behind Series win. Roberto Luongo's heroic effort to keep his team from getting completely wiped off the table was memorable. It was a good game. But hockey needed it to be great, and it just wasn't.

Have there been worse Game 7s? Absolutely. I can't remember any specifically--but that's kind of the point. Five years from now, will anyone outside of Boston or Vancouver remember this game? I doubt it, I really do. Which is a shame, because this was hockey's chance to make a comeback in the public eye.

We now know that the late '90s was more of an error than an era for the NHL. We now know that the league probably shouldn't have followed the tech company model of the era and overexpanded to the brink of collapse. We now know that New Jersey's awful neutral-zone trap, while successful at the time, made one of the most compelling, beautiful games we have into an unwatchable pile of slop. We now know that, given two players who are identical, American and Canadian fans would rather root for the guy named Steve or Paul than the one named Nikolai or Sergei.

The league bottomed out with the lockout and the cancelled season. Since then, it has done a fantastic job of staging a comeback. In fact, one of my all-time favorite sports memories came in the spring of 2008--as a giddy 19-year-old, I was already giddy enough at the thought of my first chance since my dad was in my life to watch a game in a bar (I happened to know one of the bartenders at a place in the area that night). The game that night was Game 5 of the '08 Stanley Cup Final--and the Pittsburgh Penguins (my favorite team as a child) pulled out a three-overtime epic over the Detroit Red Wings, thanks in large part to a spectacular 50-save performance by Marc-Andre Fleury. I was back at that point. But the rest of the country has not followed.

(Side note: you're probably wondering to yourself right now "self, why the hell did he become a Penguins fan living in Wisconsin? Well, as a child I played a lot of NHL '94 on the Sega Genesis. In that game, Mario Lemieux and Jaromir Jagr were a tour de force. But the real secret to my love for the Pens was a goonish defenseman named Ulf Samuelsson, best known for crippling Cam Neely. In that game, Ulf was a wrecking ball. Me and him as a team were good for at least one injured opponent a game. I fell for the Penguins and never looked back. My preference for European soccer was decided similarly--Didier Drogba was a goal-scoring machine for me in Winning Eleven 9, so my first foray into the sport was as a Chelsea fan. In a related story, my girlfriend is convinced I'm a nerd. I'm not entirely sure she's that far off. But at any rate, the captain has turned on the "No Babbling" sign, so back to the topic at hand.)

Much of the blame for the lethargic pace of the comeback can be placed squarely with ESPN and, more specifically, SportsCenter. You see, ESPN does not have a TV contract with the NHL. Therefore, SportsCenter spent countless hours this week dissecting LeBron James after the fact, and dedicated maybe five minutes a night to Stanly Cup coverage. Not that SportsCenter has had any integrity to speak of for years, but it's still a shameful freeze-out.

The game of hockey still has potential for a comeback. A new generation of stars has the league deeper in talent than it has been since the heyday of the Gretzky-Lemieux-Messier era. The dawn of HDTV benefits hockey to a greater extent than any other sport--now, you can watch games on TV and be aware of what's going on at all times, as opposed to squinting at the fuzzy black puck that will occasionally disappear from view completely. The neutral zone trap has been neutered, the comically oversized goalie pads have been ix-nayed, and ties have been taken out of the equation. All of these changes point to a far more entertaining product. And the game still has its ace up the sleeve--namely, that there is no event in all of sports more exciting than playoff overtime hockey.

An exciting Game 7, with the nation's eyes focused in, would have been a crucial win for the game. Hell, we didn't even need overtime--though it would've been fantastic. A finish like the clinching Game 6 of the 2008 Cup final would've been more than sufficient to win the hearts and minds of America.

(Three years later, and this clip STILL kills me. If Marian Hossa manages to knock in the tying rebound with .01 seconds left, I will bet my life that Pittsburgh comes back to win that series. Game 5 went to overtime with Max Talbot scoring the GTG with 35 seconds left in regulation as his teams net sat empty at the other end of the ice. Three overtimes and a Fleury of saves later , Petr Sykora banged home the walk-off goal--that he had called in an in-game interview, no less. After that, to piss away a 2-goal lead in 1:30, then blow the game in OT again? There's no way Detroit bounces back for Game 7. NO WAY. That would've gone down as a textbook Dead Man Walking game. That it didn't remains one of my greatest regrets as a sports fan. I'm getting queasy. Let's move on.)

But we didn't get that. Instead, we got a fired-up Bruins team laying the smackdown on a set of overmatched Canadians. We got a game that was over by the second intermission. And we got the most memorable part of the series, which I wish could be the most forgettable. The scenes of Vancouver fans rioting in the streets, as the rest of hockey fandom collectively facepalmed. Thanks, assholes. You just set the game back at least 5 years. The rest of us deal with losing like adults--we go home and get even drunker. We don't go out and burn the city. That shit went out of style decades ago.

Will hockey bounce back to it's pre-expansion levels of popularity? Time will tell. I'd like to think it will. But the one thing we do know is that it had a golden opportunity Wednesday night, and just couldn't solve the goalie.

Part II coming later today.

We Are Tiger Woods

2011-04-12T16:27:00.000-05:00

The great ones always have a habit of sucking you back in. Michael Jordan's final run of titles. Brett Favre's magical 2007 and 2009 seasons, which defied time, the odds, and everything we knew about Brett Favre. Tiger Woods on Sunday at the 2011 Masters.

Yes, the man America said would never bounce back has bounced back. And I love it.

I'm not the biggest golf fan in the world, but I do somewhat follow the sport. Like tennis, I like to tune in for the major events but I couldn't tell you much detail about the non-household-names competing in them. (Though I can tell you that Adam Scott's putter should not be legal, much like someone who showed up to Wimbledon with a racket the size of a surfboard would likely be sent home hanging their head.) But four or five times a year the stakes are high enough to always provide entertainment.

The Masters might be the best example of this. The tradition, the prestige, the intensity of the competitors is all ramped up. And Augusta National adds its own stamp to the proceedings--at times, it feels like the course is almost in the competition itself. Like Sunday afternoon, where at several points it seemed feasible that a 7-9 man playoff was going to happen. Like Sunday afternoon, when Rory McIlroy cemented his name next to Jose Mesa, Greg Norman, and the 1993 Houston Oilers. Like Sunday afternoon, when Tiger Woods seemingly smelled blood and absolutely shredded the front nine.

Count me among those who wish he had pulled it out. Watching his back nine effort, you just kept waiting for something to happen. "Okay, if he pulls out a few birdies here, he'll be in great shape." "If he can finish strong he's in contention." Never happened. He was destined to come back, but not come all the way back. Not yet.

The sad truth is that Tiger's best days as a golfer are probably behind him. He's well into his thirties at this point. Years of hitting punishing drive after punishing drive have taken a toll on his knees and shoulders. But he showed on Sunday that maybe he's still got a little left in the tank. Maybe he won't be the golfer he once was, but that doesn't mean he can't be a great golfer. Jordan and Kobe both aged like fine wines, compensating for their declining athleticism by adding new elements to their games, changing their styles to reflect this, and using their wealth of experience to guide them. And I'd love to see this from Tiger. Haters be damned, I love a good comeback story.

We loved Tiger In His Prime. He was the greatest athlete of our generation. Hell, he was the greatest athlete of all time. Name any one person who dominated a sports landscape with the longevity and magnitude that Tiger did. The great ones have a sixth (or even seventh) gear in reserve, another level to step up to when it's necessary. Tiger is the only athlete I could ever remember who operated in sixth gear all the time. If Reggie Miller was the quintessential "steps his game up in the big moments" athlete, tiger was the quintessential "steps his game up right away, buries your ass, and coasts to victory" athlete. You didn't just expect him to do the extraordinary, you were a little disappointed when he didn't.

And off the course, he was everything you were supposed to be. Successful. Rich beyond your wildest dreams. Utterly perfect, to the point it was boring. Name one celebrity (prior to the fire hydrant incident) who was less exciting to talk about. What did we know about Tiger Woods? He took a game that was centuries old and brought it to its apex. He was married to a Swedish supermodel/nanny that most of us would give our right pinky to wake up to every morning. He never said or did anything controversial. If an errant Sergio Garcia tee shot had one day hit him in the head, cracking open his exoskeleton and revealing the true nature of the TigerBot 3000 android, I probably wouldn't have even blinked.

So when it all came unraveled, we overreacted. We attacked him with a little more venom than we would save for a lesser mortal. The jokes were far more over the line, and far more frequent. It didn't help that professionally, he was fading too. Recent years saw Tiger suffer through injury problems, struggle with adjustments to his swing, and even lose the #1 in the world ranking. The facade was gone. Time to move on.

But there's one thing we forgot in this whole thing. Tiger Woods is a man. Nothing more, nothing less. He is not perfect, and neither are we. He did something that thousands of men do every day, and that an even larger number would have done in a second if they were in his shoes. And he was crucified for it.

If that was the end of the story, it would be a sad one indeed. But it is not. Sunday afternoon Tiger taught us all a valuable lesson, if we were able to stop moralizing for a second and recognize it. No matter how down you are, you can always bounce back. We are all human, and we are all going to make mistakes. Tiger took himself out of the public eye, dusted himself off, put his personal life back together behind the scenes, and returned to doing what he does best--making golf shots that we will remember for the rest of our lives.

If my children pick up on that lesson, I'll consider Tiger to be an exemplary role model.

Preparing for Super Bowl Week

2011-01-26T14:41:00.002-06:00

Howdy, friends.

You're probably wondering what happened between June 18 (the World Cup live-blog of USA-Slovenia) and this past Sunday (the NFC Championship). Since nothing visible happened in the world of Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe, you're curious as to why I stopped writing for 7 months.

Truth is, there's no exciting explanation like you'd think. For a few months I made attempts at a few pieces (most notably several attempts at ripping apart The Decision, as well as an aborted end-of-summer blockbuster titled "2010: The Summer of the Douchebag Athlete"). These all ended one of two ways--I either got a decent start, couldn't figure out where to go, and the piece was left unfinished; or I finished it, re-read it, hated it, and decided not to publish.

If anyone who works in social media is reading this (actually reading it, not clicking it to spam my comments promising a smaller stomach, a bigger dick, or both), you just lost any respect for me. Didn't ya? Because the first rule of online media is to stay constant. Stay relevant. To write a "successful" website, you need to provide a steady stream of new content.

I could blast this theory out of the water easily, but it's already been done, and far better than I ever could.* Suffice to say that this site is nothing like a Gawker, or a Perez Hilton--so I have no intention of following that model. If I'm proud of something I've written enough to share it, I will do so--I'm at least competent enough to do that once in a while, we've seen. If I write something that just isn't up to snuff, or just won't come together, I'm not going to force it on you--it'd be an insult to you, an insult to me, and an insult to the topic being covered. You've already got an entire generation of online narcissists trumpeting in your ear for the sole purpose of hearing their own trumpeting--why should I burden you with another one?

So that's the past. A bad case of writers block, and something had to happen to shake me out of it. Something like a Green Bay Super Bowl. Can you feel it, bitches?

A year ago, I did a Tribute Week for March Madness, cramming an obscene amount of content into one week of posting. I almost feel obligated to do it again. That, and I have some good ideas for Super Bowl Week content that I'd like to get reader feedback on.

(Yep, you're damn right. I just spent 400 words on an enigmatic non-apology for being unable to come up with content, and now I'm going to use a glorified brainstorming session as finished product--AND solicit content ideas from readers. In my defense--I may be lazy, but I just might be so good at it as to turn it into an art form.)

-Super Bowl Preview
Simple. This one has to be done. Odds are, I'll come up with some quirky gimmick to carry me through what is sure to be a larger, and not too positive, piece. I've done the movie quotes before, might do something similar?

-Should the Bears Be Looking to Replace Cutler?
Yeah, I know--not technically Super Bowl-related. But I'm putting this one on here as a buffer choice--if enough non-Packer fans are depressed enough at the thought of an all-Packer week, I'll slip it up to next week. Otherwise, I'll probably run it shortly after. Either way, I'm in need of Bears fans for feedback--objectively, I think the fake trade that the Pointless Hypotheticals Division cooked up is a no-brainer for both sides. But I'm not a Bears fan, and I don't know how they feel about Jay. And without that angle, this piece is at least 50% worse. So I need a few readers to step up. Since you're doing me a favor, I promise to keep the wisecracks to a minimum.

-The Top 10 Super Bowls of my Lifetime
Ehh, I know. Lists. Ugh. But realistically--how else can you do a "best-of" piece? This one might turn out to be "Top 5 that I've actually watched" in final format (since I have no first-hand memory of the Dallas Dynasty save for the heartbreak that happened the last time Green Bay played a playoff game in Dallas). Either way, I feel almost obligated to do some sort of historical countdown.

-Retro Diary: Super Bowl XXXI
I can almost guarantee that this one will come to pass. I've got a copy, it's already been re-watched twice this week, and I can guarantee at least another twice before next Sunday. Would I love to go back and re-live two of the greatest hours of my life with my awesome readers? You bet your ass I would!

-Tale of the Tape: '96 Brett Favre vs. '10 Aaron Rodgers
I'd include '66 Bart Starr, but I never saw him play. Wouldn't be fair. I'll simply placate the old-timers with the following qualifier: Starr is the one who won multiple titles.

(Also worth mentioning while we're on the subject of '96 Favre: watching him in that Super Bowl is an experience. I won't say good or bad, because it's a very mixed bag. On the one hand, I forgot how good he was. On the other hand, how good he was is tainted by how bad he got, and what a prick he turned into. It's like finding a picture of you and your estranged best friend from high school--it brings back a flood of happy memories, followed by the twinge of those memories being tainted as you remember walking in on him balls deep in your girlfriend two years later. Bittersweet like nothing else on this planet.)

-Would Aaron Rodgers still be this good if he didn't free-fall in the draft?
Simple question, and I'd love love love to delve into the psyche of Aaron Rodgers. Not only is he my team's quarterback, he's an objectively fascinating athlete. *Spoiler Alert* I can't remember seeing anyone who wants to win so badly since Michael Jordan.

Also, my brain is not just going to turn off until I start writing again. So this list is hardly final--just a little sneak preview, if you will. If you've got any ideas you'd like to see me tackle, feel free to share. I welcome all reader feedback.

*Seriously, take the ten minutes to read this. PhilaLawyer is one of my major inspirations as a writer, and one of my major hobbies as a reader. He's a prime example of what I'm talking about regarding quality vs. quantity. On average, he posts maybe twice or three times a month. Maybe. But he's got a five-year back catalogue of work, a best-selling book, and all of it is quality. Hopefully that will be me in 2015.

Back With a Vengeance: NFC Championship Live Blog

2011-01-23T14:42:00.003-06:00

Here's the thing I've noticed over the past week: a lot of people outside of Wisconsin and Illinois don't get Packers-Bears as a legitimate "great" rivalry--largely due to the fact that they haven't met outside of the regular season since 1941.

Which is what makes today such a huge, huge game. To those outside of the Midwest--these two fan bases loathe each other. Like, loathe. On the level of Red Sox-Yankees only worse because of the little-brother complex most of us up in Wisconsin have towards the city of Chicago. Fuck 'em, it feels good to beat the FIBs.

So this game? Yeah, it's a big deal. It's the biggest game we've played in 15 years, bar none.

A few pregame thoughts...

The over/under of 42 is a laugh. A Packer/Bear game hasn't gotten to 42 since 2007, and hasn't gotten over it since 2005. Expect defense, expect ugly, expect cold, and take the under.
The Packers will go as James Starks goes. They've proven that without him, they're almost on equal footing with the Bears--two field-goal games that could've gone either way, split 1-1. Add that dimension, and it could be a different story. If not? Well, the Bears have had two cracks at the one-dimensional Packer attack already, and Lovie Smith is not stupid...
The Bears have been on one of the luckiest runs of recent memory this season--the Lions no-touchdown Week 1, a win over a gutted Packer team Week 3, 7 of their 11 wins were within one score... This is not a powerhouse 2-seed. Meanwhile, the Packers hobbled through the season, limped into the playoffs, and are playing at full strength for the first time. Then again, do you really want to go against the guy at the table who's on a hot streak?

First Quarter

15:00 Holy shit... Jim Cornelison can sing. Is there any better way to start a Packers-Bears NFC Championship than a heavyset mustachioed man belting out one of the strongest Anthems in TV history? I can't remember the last time I got goosebumps like that. And the crowd sounds ready to go--everyone's drinking away the cold, and things are gonna get loud.

Normally, this would be a bad thing for the visiting team. I love it. Aaron Rodgers is a competitor--he feeds on the adversity of the crowd. They're just gonna inspire him to shut them up. Say what you will about the game--this is a Super Bowl-like atmosphere. Whoever survives will have a leg up next week.

14:56 The field is going to be a problem. Slippery, and lots of shadows. Could be a few drops.

13:53 Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings are coming out hard. Two first downs on two plays.

12:38 Aikman: "I think the Bears are gonna need to do something to show Aaron Rodgers that it's not as easy as he made it look the past two weeks." Uh, yeah. Rodgers is carving up Bear steaks on this drive.

11:00 Touchdown, Aaron Rodgers! Shades of Brett Favre's scramble in Super Bowl XXXI. Pretty goal-line roll out off of the play fake. The Bear defense looked helpless on the first drive. Rodgers looks frighteningly good--four for four, averaging 19 yards per attempt. Three 20 yard completions. He's entered the Barry Sanders "Don't Bet Against Me, Ever, For Any Reason" Zone. Like Favre in his prime, except without the forced throws.

10:45 Chad Clifton is hurt, they are calling it a stinger. All of Wisconsin is parying that it's not worse.

8:40 Um, has Dom Capers noticed that the Bears are going to Matt Forte on every play? Just sayin'.

8:00 Third down, Cutler pressured, and he overthrows Devin Hester. Wide open. Charlie Peprah didn't have a prayer at it. I'm grateful for Jay Cutler. Punt out of bounds at the ten--Packers with a chance to start an avalanche.

5:55 TJ Lang is in at left tackle for Clifton, as Brandon Jackson rips a run. I love and hate that about him--he either goes for 10, or hits the line and drops. No in-between.

5:04 Dear Joe Buck: Please do not casually toss out phrases like "Aaron Rodgers looks hurt." It's not funny. Seriously, fuck you.

5:00 Third down, Rodgers dumps it off, and Kuhn drops it. Rodgers is facing increasing pressure from Julius Peppers, who is rocking the shit out of the overmatched Lang. He's not Allen Barbre, but he's only marginally better. We need Clifton in there before the gimp shows up.

4:00 Plays the bears have run in which Forte didn't touch the ball: 1. Warrants mentioning.

3:23 Cullen Jenkins gets to Cutler on third down! Shame he didn't try to force a bad throw there, though. Cutler is what happens when you combine Brett Favre's decision-making skills with Jeff George's attitude. Granted, he blows Kyle Orton out of the water, but still. Just a few years later, I absolutely cannot imagine him coexisting with Brandon Marshall. How the hell did those two not cripple each other?

2:40 Another 20+ yard completion to Greg Jennings. He's a hot knife, and the Bear defense is butter.

:52 Rodgers flushed and sacked on third down. Saw that coming a mile away. No way the Bears let the Packers get too far out front. Another awesome pooch punt by Masthay, downed inside the 5. He's the master of those. I've really come to love his work as of late. At any rate, the Bears are inside the two yard line.

17: Forte barely gets out of the endzone, bringing us to the end of the quarter

Some thoughts:

Aaron Rodgers is operating on another plane of reality as of late. Something about the playoffs triggers Beast Mode in him.
The Bears are not actually playing badly on defense--they've kept Starks to an effective minimum, and came up with a big sack at the end. But they're just helpless against Rodgers--he's that good.
Matt Forte's legs might fall off with twelve minutes to play at this pace.

Second Quarter

13:21 Packers driving again. Brandon Jackson just juked Urlacher out of his jockstrap. Heh.

12:17 The Packers are averaging 7.8 yards per offensive play. And that was before Jordy Nelson took it inside the 5.

11:13 How'd you like to get your first NFL touchdown in the NFC Championship?! James Starks, baby!

Hell of an effort on his part. He saw a seam in the defense, bowled into the linebackers, and forced his way to the goal line. 14-0, and the Bears really need some kind of points out of this drive. I'm quite pleased with this start.

10:50 I love Johnny Knox, simply because of his name. So fun to say. Just sounds like he should be a made man. It's like the Reverse JP Losman Effect--the fact that "Johnny Knocks" would make a su-poib mobster nickname actually makes him better. I'm convinced of it.

8:58 Is it just me, or is there something satisfying about watching Jay Cutler get laid out? Every time he slides, I get sad inside. Will never forgive him for the way he handled the Denver situation (like a spoiled trust-fund baby at best). Cutler is a tool. And it's fun to root against guys who qualify as tools.

Packers defense has been very uncharacteristic today. Bend, but don't break. The Bears are averaging 4.6 yards per play, not bad, but the Packer defense is tightening in their own territory.

7:26 Speaking of awesome names... Starks starts off the drive with a 10 yard run, and is brought down by Major Wright. I can't make this stuff up.

6:50 25-yard run by Rodgers. And he could've pushed for more, but he stepped out of bounds a little early. Still, one of my favorite Rodgers wrinkles--he's secretly a superbly effective scrambler. He doesn't break off the 60-yard highlight reel runs that a Mike Vick or Seneca Wallace will, but his footwork in the pocket is on a Breesian level, plus he has good instincts when it comes to taking off and gaining large quantities of turf.

5:20 The crowd noise just forced Rodgers to use a timeout. Can't say the atmosphere rates ANYWHERE below "electric."

4:55 Third and one, Starks stopped short. Is John Kuhn in the crapper or something? Why would you run Starks up the middle there?

4:11 Again, the Bears trying to target Forte. They've lost the element of surprise at this point.

3:53 Cutler gets jacked as he throws, puts it up for grabs, and it's almost picked off by Clay Matthews. Good job by Greg Olson to swat it away, and save the drive. There was a Cutler mistake. Right enough, Forte takes it to the 30 for the first down on a draw.

1:52 Another semi-prolonged Chicago drive, another punt. Comically, the PA system chooses Usher and Lil' Jon's "Yeah!..." as their defense comes onto a fairly short field, trailing by two scores. Hope springs eternal, I guess.

1:38 Another nice Rodgers scramble. He dusted Urlacher to the sideline.

:43 Driver drops a low throw, and Lance Briggs with the interception off the tip. Actually, on the replay, Driver kicked it. Cheap pick. Forte into Packer territory on the first play of the drive. Just like that, the crowd is starting to perk up again. Awesome.

:32 And Sam Shields gets it back! Cutler goes deep, Shields matches Knox stride for stride, and makes a play on it. Great pick by Shields--maybe the best undrafted free agent rookie I can ever remember. That is a monster--we needed to squash them before they could turn momentum into points. We've dominated across the board--but with only two scores to show for it.

As ex-head official Mike Herrera pontificates why he thinks the call will be overturned, it is held up. Rodgers kneels, and it's halftime. Two scores does not do this half justice. Gonna take a shower, and return for the second half.

Third Quarter

12:28 Third down, another 20+ completion from Rodgers. This time to Jordy Nelson. We've even got the same "four-man WR corps, with the Token White Guy" concept that worked back in 1996. Jordy or Don Beebe?

10:06 James Starks reminds me an awful lot of Emmitt Smith. Small back who saw his blockers well, knew how to follow them, and compensated for a lack of flashy jukes, stutter-steps and the like with a low center of gravity that made him almost impossible to bring down. Same mold.

9:40 So for those keeping score at home, our quarterback looks like John Elway or a righty Steve Young, crossed with Brett Favre's swagger and Michael Jordan's mean-streak competitiveness and our running back is cut out of the Emmitt Smith mold. Very good time to be a Packer fan.

8:50 Rodgers with nowhere to go with it, intercepted by Urlacher. Todd Collins is in for Cutler, reportedly it's a knee injury. A Google search for Cutler reveals the following Twitter post: "Jay Cutler is as tough as a feather pillow."

8:44 Cutler looks to show no signs of wanting to return to this game. Todd Collins looks horribly overmatched. And right on cue, Nick Collins (no relation) with a diving interception. On replay, the ball bounced. Hoping Lovie won't challenge this one.

8:20 If my posting slows down, it's technical difficulties. I have an old laptop, and it keeps freezing up. Sorry.

5:53 Rodgers ducks down and gets the legs of a flying defender. I couldn't breathe until he stood up. That would've been brutal.

4:29 Devin Hester slips on the turf, no return on the punt. Another break. It's still a two score game, and I do not trust Hester in the slightest. Todd Collins can't fuck him up.

3:10 Tramon Williams almost walks away with another interception. So many near-picks from Collins. Believe it or not, I actually feel legitimately bad for Bears fans at this point. It's one thing to lose. It's another thing to lose a conference championship game to a hated rival, and have your quarterback completely exposed in the process.

Jay Cutler is a loser. Plain and simple. His solution to a perceived problem in Denver was to whine and bitch, and force his way out. His body language clearly states "I want nothing to do with this game." He's a pussy, who gets frustrated easily and gives up too quickly. It's a cancer to have in a quarterback--and it's also the reason for the Jeff George comparison earlier. Not even George was this bad though.

1:29 Another three and out. I'd feel so much more confident about this game if we had scored more than twice. Fourteen points can be made up in freakish ways.

:57 Just when I can't think of any ways that we can be more stacked, Tim Masthay launches a 61-yard punt over Earl Bennett's head. I didn't know watching a punter could be this fun.

:20 Someone named Caleb Hanie is in for Collins. Lovie Smith is visibly sweaty trying to wrench the fork out of Collins' back on the sideline. He's that done.

Fourth Quarter

14:18 Just as soon as the booth finishes explaining the rules that state that Cutler and Collins are both ineligible to return to the game, Hanie is rocked by AJ Hawk. Don't tempt me, fate.

13:05 Clay Matthews rocks Forte in the backfield. I hope Matthews is aware of the bounty on Hanie's head.

12:27 Hanie to Johnny Knox, down to the one and out of bounds. Fuck.

12:02 Touchdown, Chester Taylor. Soldier Field sounds like it just got electroshocked. Forty-seven minutes of domination, and suddenly Chicago has all the momentum. Hanie even wears Tom Brady's number. This can't happen. Can't.

11:51 Starks stopped at the line, and the crowd actually reacted. Come on, Rodgers. This is where you shine.

11:08 Rodgers is absolutely wrecked by Peppers as he overshoots Jennings. Can't say I'm surprised to see that--just surprised it took this long. Know Peppers has to be headhunting.

11:03 Another flag, this one pass interference downfield on first down. I can't remember the last time I heard this much booing.

10:30 Can someone make me the following image: Cutler moping on the sideline with little bits of blood on his sleeve, and Rodgers spitting blood onto the field after Peppers rung his bell? I feel like this contrast says it all about those two.

9:32 Incomplete, punt team on. Hanie has the crowd behind him. I'm absolutely terrified.

8:29 Three and out, with Sam Shields getting a good shot on Hanie on third down. Glad to see our defense get their swagger back. Hoping that score might have been a fluke.

7:31 Incomplete, Rodgers throws low off the play-action. Hey, the first two games were ugly affairs that came down to the end--why should this one be any different?

6:15 Another third-down situation. INTERCEPTED BY BJ RAJI FOR THE TOUCHDOWN!

BJ Raji is the truck driving us to Dallas. Love the zone blitz. My Facebook toolbar is exploding with Raji-related status updates. Happy fucking day. Happy, happy fucking day. That was getting entirely too tense.

5:27 Charlie Peprah just lit up Earl Bennett. A couple first downs, all of a sudden the Bears are into our territory.

4:43 Bennett with a juke move, and he takes it in for the touchdown. How the fuck did that happen so fast? We went from "Joe Buck joking about Raji's Truffle Shuffle" to "7-point game" in what felt like nothing. I'm hoping that our offense can keep the momentum going from the pick-six.

3:50 Starks stopped cold at the line twice. Big third down coming up.

3:40 Nowhere to go, Rodgers goes down, three and out. Our defense came up big all game until that last drive. One more time, guys.

2:53 Masthay with another huge punt--56 yards--and Hanie on to run the two-minute drill. I have to pee. It'll have to wait.

2:44 High snap, Hanie barely brought it in. Chicago's collective hearts just jumped into their throats there.

2:38 How the fuck did Hanie get away from that rush? Seems like he was surrouned by green jerseys there.

2:33 Flag. Intentional grounding. Huge break. Bears fans are going to be pissed off at the refs for this one, mark my words.

1:54 Forte stopped short of the first down. Interesting trend--Hanie's gone to his checkdown routes almost exclusively this drive. I think he's feeling the pressure, and is a little hesitant to press his luck downfield. Good news for us, since they need a quick score and he's continually going short and over the middle. Shades of Matt Flynn? Great coming-out performance by a plucky backup QB, capped off by crapping the bed in a beat-the-clock situation?

Fourth and one. Here's the season.

1:48 And Chester Taylor gets it. Crap.

1:27 Hanie, screen pass to Forte. Clay Matthews is limping. I feel sick. Ball on the 34.

1:15 Can someone please tell me why we're only rushing three in this sitaution?! Didn't we learn this from last year's debacle in Pittsburgh? Ugh. Second timeout for the Bears.

1:11 Third and short, reverse to Earl Bennett. He's swallowed up in the backfield. Awful play-calling. Fourth and four...

HANIE INTERCEPTED BY SHIELDS! SUPER BOWL!

:37 Hell yes. Tonight will be a celebration in Wisconsin.

So, what do we take from this game?

This better taint Jay Cutler's career forever. If he even has one after this. It's one thing to go down gallantly. It's another to quit at the first sign of trouble. I hate Jay Cutler's attitude. I just don't understand how you can root for such a bitch.
Aaron Rodgers' numbers look unfairly bad because of the two picks. One was off of a deflection--other than the dumb throw to Urlacher, he was effective if not his usual dominant self. Most importantly, he came through when the offense needed him early and let us establish a rhythm.
James Starks was largely unimpressive, but we still won. Maybe it's just a side-effect of the ugly nature of Packers-Bears, but he never really got it going. Don't expect him to fare much better than this against Pittsburgh OR New York.
Todd Collins is no longer capable of carrying an NFL clipboard.
The John Kuhn bandwagon has officially turned into the garage. One carry for two yards.
Greg Jennings (with 8) was one of two Packers with multiple catches. The other? Jordy Nelson.
Touches by Matt Forte: 27. Touches by remaining Bears: 16.

Another ugly game, another close one. Packers-Bears. What do you expect?

Until next time, folks. Go party like it's 1996.

Fit to be Tied: The USA-Slovenia Live Blog

2010-06-18T11:38:00.000-05:00

For those of you who missed Team USA's crazy/awesome/lucky draw with England during their first match (like myself, stuck working during the second half), it might interest you to know that the team is sitting in the driver's seat for a trip through the group stage. USA! USA! USA!

(Side note: approximately one paragraph, and the game hasn't even started yet. "USA!" chant No. 1 on the day. Hope you had the "under" on that one.)

So why is this interesting? Well, the way things were supposed to pan out, the USA was supposed to get through after falling to England, then meet Germany in the first knockout round and get crushed. However, in waking up early for this live blog, I caught the end of Germany 0-1 Serbia. Not only do the Germans look vulnerable for the first time in decades, but it looks like the Americans might get Serbia, Ghana, or possibly even Australia. What does that mean? Well, we might be sticking around a lot longer than originally planned!

The ESPN commentator just said it perfectly: this isn't a "must-win" game for the Americans, but it's a "better-not-lose" game. If US Soccer is ready to make The Leap, it all comes down to finishing things against the teams you're supposed to beat. Like, for instance, Slovenia and Algeria.

So why the hell would I ever wake myself up this early for a match against an inferior team? Well, I missed our only guaranteed match against an elite team. And Eastern Europe looks hot today, so you never know.

Let's roll.

-5:00 The Slovenian National Anthem. I was expecting something that sounded more Boratesque.

-3:30 Oh say can you see...

(It just got cold in here.)

-1:50 And the music isn't done for the day! Cue up the vuvuzeelas!

(Note: I did not understand the irrational hatred for these things until now. When you're up this early, the buzzing just grinds into your nerves.)

-:30 Altidore and Findley up front, Torres getting the start in midfield to give the Americans more speed.

:00 And we're off!

:20 Injury to a Slovenian player already after a sketchy challenge by Clint Dempsey. Glad to know he's focused today.

1:30 For the record, I'm not even going to try to identify the Slovenian players. I'd spend half the game trying to figure out the spellings. Seriously.

2:00 Another ugly foul. This one is getting dirty fast.

4:50 Great counterattack, Findley almost broke free. First corner of the game to the Americans.

5:20 Bradley fails to handle the corner, and it's a goal kick. So much for that. Good to see the counterattack this early though--Findley and Altidore are good for at least one that way this morning.

6:40 Free kick into the box for Slovenia, no real challenge to Timmy Howard. Things developing slowly.

9:00 Ladies and gentlemen; the Slovenian coach, Niko Bellic!

9:32 Seriously. Spitting image, right down to the scowl and the jacket. I could see the Slovenian coach smoking a cigarette on the sideline and glaring death at everyone who dares comment on it. Instantly like him.

12:00 I feel cheated. I made the effort to wake up for this game. Early on, it looks like Jozy Altidore didn't.

12:50 Slovenian goal. Shot from just outside the box into the corner. Tim Howard gets caught out of position, he didn't even try to stop it.

14:50 Free kick into the box, the Slovenian keeper punches it away. Ian Darke isn't even making an effort on this guy--he's simply calling him "the Slovenian keeper." High comedy.

16:20 Findley and Altidore get a break, Jozy can't bring in the final pass and The Slovenian Keeper clears it. That's his new official name, so I'm capitalizing it the rest of the way.

17:10 Michael Bradley sails a shot from about 50 yards out. Second time he's missed the net already--it's worth mentioning that he's the coach's son. You normally never see that once you hit high school.

20:00 "Twinkle-toed run from Donovan." Thanks, Ian. That was just etched in stone as Reason #213249 Why Americans Will Never Pick Up Soccer En Masse. Seriously, ESPN, why not spend a little more to get Clive Tyldsley again? Darke is like a homeless man's Tyldsley. I'll never understand this.

21:43 Novakovic breaks free on a free kick, and almost gets to it to poke it past Howard, followed by the Americans getting a few guys into the box and threatening. Very fast-paced game at this point. Americans are setting the tempo, hopefully that'll help with the whole comeback thing.

25:00 Corner to Slovenia. Tim Howard complaining that it stayed in. Luckily, nothing happens off the corner.

26:40 Novakovic is offsides. Not promising, the number of chances the Slovenians are getting. They're playing the Americans' game, and they're playing it better.

27:30 Bradley thinks twice about missing again, passes off to Donovan, who delivers it in to Dempsey who just can't finish. Good development though.

28:50 Howard chases down a set kick to knock it out, saving the corner. Would've loved to see that kind of effort on the goal.

30:40 Half hour in, we have yet to hear any announcer raise their voice. Never good for a soccer match. Even the goal just sort of happened.

32:00 Shot of several American fans. They look pissed to be there. One guy is texting. Passionate people, these are.

34:00 I apologize for the sparseness of the postings, but there is nothing going on. Two teams that play a very patient (read: boring) style. Lots of defenders passing within one another, lots of holding.

35:00 Bostjan Cesar (Slovenian defender) knocks down Jozy Altidore on a run, getting the first booking of the day. Free kick on the right edge for the Americans. Trying to rile myself awake.

35:40 Seven Americans in the box.

36:00 Torres takes a crack at the goal, and The Slovenian Keeper just parries it. Huge save, and a corner.

36:28 Demerit takes a long header, and he just misses by a few feet. No goal, but important signs of life for America. Slovenian player is injured, and being attended to.

38:30 Good break for America again. Donovan steals a pass in the offensive end, finds Findley, and he botches the pass, but it's out for the corner.

39:00 Everyone is confused. Findley getting a yellow card for an aleeged handball, replay shows that it got him in the face. He has to miss the Algeria match. "An absolutely ridiculous decision, one of the stupidest decisions I have ever seen." Maybe Ian Darke isn't all that bad.

(Note from my postgame edit: file that thought under "Obvious Foreshadowing." It will become relevant later.)

40:00 VERY near miss for the American attack. Corner coming. Something's gonna happen here, the announcers are buzzing. As are the vuvuzeelas. D'oh.

40:50 Cherundolo launches a shot from midfield. Replay of the near goal--the Slovenian defender beat Donovan to the ball by maybe a tenth of a second. THAT close to a goal.

41:25 2-0 Slovenia. No offsides. No defense from America, now that you mention it. Ljubijanic beat his marker with little effort, and Howard couldn't sprawl out and interfere. Bob Bradley looks like he owes money that he doesn't have. I should've just fucking slept in.

42:20 The collective American defense today has to equal at least three fourths of a John Shuster. And it might get worse.

43:00 That's devastating. USA was firmly in control of the flow, looked like it was only a matter of time until they equalized. Now, they look like they just got surprise sexed. Does anyone know how to play taps on a vuvuzeela?

44:30 Michael Bradley arguing a free kick, saying he won the ball clean. The replay proves otherwise. Not a great start for him.

45:00 Two minutes of added time.

46:50 The Americans play for the last attack, and fail to do anything off of the long ball. Halftime. Americans down 2-0. What a depressing way to start my day. Hey, at least if we beat Algeria we'll be bowl eligible.

Halftime thoughts: The Americans pooped in the refrigerator that half. An all-around brutal performance. The defense was gawd-awful, Bradley and Dempsey are sloppy, and Altidore, Findley, and Donovan aren't doing enough to make up for it. We've gone from talking about the Americans going deep into the tournament to almost certainly not even advancing out of group play. Halftime grades: Slovenia, B+; USA F; Vuvuzeela Orchestra D-.

45:00 Sure enough, two substitutions for the Americans. Torres and Findley coming out, Dempsey moving to forward, Maurice Edu and Benny Feilhaber coming on. It's worth noting that the only person who ever went by "Benny" to matter is Benny Hill. I don't trust this guy. He's a blue-chipper for the JP Losman All Stars--guys who still go by nicknames that you should stop using when your balls drop. For some reason, these guys are ALWAYS unreliable. You're really gonna trust a guy who still goes by Benny?

46:30 Americans building up an early attack. Slovenian defense is bending but not breaking. The Slovenian Keeper is on his game.

47:00 Ian Darke is desperate. "If they can just get one goal, they can get back in it!"

47:20 And Landon Donovan gets that goal! Great break down the side, great controlled approach, great shot from the side of the goal to put it in. He took it with confidence, and that made all the difference. And before it all, a great long ball. The Slovenian Keeper looked like he'd rather not try and stop that one.

48:30 The only time the Americans have ever come back from a 2-0 halftime defecit to win? 1995, in a friendly with Saudi Arabia. It's been mentioned about a half dozen times now, so I thought you'd need to know.

49:40 Slovenia down to ten men temporarily due to injury, Americans with a free kick in the offensive end.

50:00 Very nearly equalized! Donovan almost put it in off of the free kick, and Onyewu almost tipped it in, too.

50:50 Irony ftw: in this exact stadium, USA blew the final against Brazil last year after leading 2-0 at the half. Could they do the reverse today?

51:40 The defense has to stiffen up here. We've got the momentum, can't afford to let it slip away again.

53:00 Slovenia on the break... now on the attack... nothing of it.

53:40 Another replay of the Donovan goal. That thing was not gonna be stopped. A tracer bullet from point-blank range.

55:50 Counterattack from Slovenia off of an American offensive setup, but Howard collects it at the other end.

57:40 Altidore breaks past his man and is taken down outside the box. No call. Personally, we got hosed on that one.

(Again, postgame edit: obvious foreshadowing)

58:05 Donovan fouled. American free kick, maybe 35 yards out.

58:40 Slovenian defender Kirm hurt. Replay shows Dempsey damn near Suplexing him. To be fair, Kirm took a few shots at him first. Should've been a penalty before anything else.

60:40 Hand ball called on Edu. Free kick from the right side to cross for Slovenia. Punched away by Howard.

62:30 Altidore and Suler tangled up on a long ball, Slovenia free kick. John Harkes is openly questioning the impartiality of the referees.

64:20 Great work by the Americans working the ball down the field to get a chance. Good passing, good use of aerial balls. This is promising--though if they are going to win, they will need to score soon to draw level.

68:10 Altidore taken down on the edge of the box. Yellow card to Marko Suler. Harkes thinks it should be a red. He's not even bothering to fake impartiality. Love it.

(To be fair? It should've been a red. Jozy had gotten around him, and would've had a one on one with the keeper. That's an automatic red card.)

69:25 Donovan to take the kick...

69:40 Altidore ended up with it at the penalty spot falling away: The Slovenian Keeper holds it. Right place at the right time. Dempsey thought he might have got a penalty, too. So close...

71:10 Bizarre sight: Howard with possession bringing the ball out, and no other players on his side of the field.

71:40 Krim goes into the book. Free kick USA, again.

72:00 Felharber with a feeble effort, held. USA has one sub left.

72:30 Jozy wins a throw deep.

73:00 Slovenia going to bring on Pecnik, taking of Ljubiankic. He was the second one to score.

74:00 Dempsey almost scores off of a long throw, and a foul called on USA.

74:30 Another Slovenian booking. Jokic this time. Quite a hard challenge to Donovan. The Slovenians are playing nasty defending their lead.

76:20 Looked like the Americans were about to develop something... unfortunately, Donovan ran out of space.

76:50 Altidore with a long strike, sails it way wide. "13 minutes until I never care about soccer again"--every American.

77:58 Fehlharber with a nice run, lost it outside the box though. We need better.

78:20 Nasty tie up on the sideline for the ball. It's getting physical.

79:00 Herculez Gomez is checking in. Onyewu coming off. An attacker for a defender. Might as well at this point.

80:18 America will finish out in the 3-4-3.

80:32 Good shot by Bradley, saved by Keeper. I like the idea.

81:16 BRADLEY DOES IT! USA DRAWS EVEN! Great play! Altidore took the pass, laid it up for bradley, and he put it in. One of those goals that you knew was going to be scored before it happened. He's turned his game up when it counted after a rocky start--shades of Kobe last night. Score one for nepotism!

82:30 Still almost 10 minutes to play. Anything can happen here. The Americans look to be going for the win, staying with the 3-4-3. Edu is dropping back into a DMF position, not quite as aggressive anymore.

83:50 The clothing won by the American fans is beyond absurd. It's like the 4th of July on acid.

84:18 Altidore taken down outside the box. Free kick. What a finish.

85:00 GOAL! No! Edu called offsides. The replay shows no offsides. The Americans just got royally screwed out of a fantastic win. Bookings have been fouls, sending-offs have been bookings, and now the capstone goal is a shady offsides. The referee today is Koman Coulibaly. He's from Mali. Someone get his home address on the Internet.

85:40 Gomez taken down outside the box.

85:55 The replay shows that Michael Bradley was fouled on the play. So it should have been a penalty. But not, because the goal should have counted! Unbelievable.

86:25 "I can speak as a neutral Englishman, the referee has been a nightmare."--Ian Darke

86:50 Slovenia on the attack. How much you want to bet that they get a shady penalty here?

87:30 Howard holds the header from the Slovenian striker. Quick response from the Americans, they are attacking again.

88:30 Weak play by Number 6 America. Turnover.

88:40 Long shot punched away by Howard. Here's his trademark "ranting at the defense." He's Dr. Perry Cox with athletic ability.

89:50 American defense holds, play pulled back.

90:11 Again, the replay. Where is the foul?

90:25 Gomez gets a chance, but sails it high.

91:52 3 minutes of added time, by the way. Looks like it's gonna be 2-2. Come on guys, let's pull it together! We've got another minute to get another goal chopped off!

92:30 Dempsey going down after stepping on the ball. Replay looks painful.

93:24 Slovenia going to substitute with a player injured.

94:00 Final whistle blows. Outrage. To cap it off, the injury time in extra time wasn't even added on--seems like the refs were trying to get Slovenia out of there with the point. From Bill Simmons, via Twitter: "'The goal has been disallowed!' Who else had 'Victory' flashbacks? When NBA refs screw up at least they make makeup calls. Not in soccer."

Final thoughts: There is nothing worse than being robbed by the referees. Especially after a great comeback like that. The draw keeps the USA alive, but it doesn't look good. Alexei Lalas just put it pretty well: it's a disgrace. On the bright side, as I stated in the introduction, this wasn't a must-win game: it was a must-not-lose game. And with their dominant second half, the Americans managed that. Still, you'd rather see them controlling their own destiny--even if it looks good, you're still relying quite a bit on other results.

Farewell, Liver, We Hardly Knew Ye: The Definitive 2010 World Cup Drinking Game

2010-06-09T22:38:00.000-05:00

In case you were unaware, the 2010 World Cup begins Friday morning. For soccer fans, the next several weeks will be like the Olympics on crack. Like the NCAA Tournament on steroids. Like the Super Bowl methed out of it's mind. Okay, maybe I need to stop making these sport-drug comparisons.

But at any rate, even if you're a non-soccer fan, the next several weeks will consist of pretending to know what "offsides" means and caring about whether Team USA can realize their destiny of taking soccer in America to new heights (spoiler alert: it's not gonna happen). It's like a one-sport Olympics. And if we can get behind curling and short-track speed skating in the name of nationalism, why the fuck not soccer?

I'd like to see every American give the World Cup a shot. And I'm doing my part by making it easier for my target demographic to enjoy soccer--by pre-mixing it with a metric fuckton of alcohol. We love sports, we love drinking, and we love kicking the living shit out of other countries. So it is my pleasure to present to you The Definitive 2010 World Cup Drinking Game.

Before we start, a couple ground rules.

Know your limits. I assume NO responsibility for anything that happens to you if you follow these rules to a T, and don't have the tolerance to handle yourself. Again, know your limits. If you have to alter the rules to better reflect your drinking ability--do it. KNOW YOUR LIMITS. I love my readers, and it would kill me to know that I was responsible for one of their deaths. FOR THE LAST FUCKING TIME, KNOW YOUR LIMITS.
Remember the point of this exercise: to watch world-class athletic competition and to get hammered. Arguing about the rules, or he said/she said issues gets in the way of both of these. Over the literally thousands of hours of soccer played, there are going to be some missed drinks. Accept this.
This is one man's list, with heavy influence from a number of other lists. Too many to list here. Know that I wanted to make this thing as glorious as possible--which means it samples heavily from what is already out there. Some of the rules are original, some have already been used in other drinking games. It's not an original concept. That's gonna happen sometimes.
This list is not finished. Reader input is welcomed. I'm gonna miss stuff, and if it's good, I'd like to include it after the fact. The World Cup happens every 4 years, and I'd like to make this one a recurring theme.

With that said, let's get this shitshow on the road.

Standard Rules:

Drink every time the referee blows his whistle.
Drink once for every goal scored by a striker.
Drink twice for every goal scored by a midfielder.
Drink three times for every goal scored by a defender.
Finish your drink, and shotgun a beer, for every goal scored by a goalie.
If the goal scored had an assist, drink double.
Finish your drink for every yellow card, shotgun for every red card.
Before kickoff, select a side and chug throughout their national anthem.
Using the same side from kickoff, take a drink for every player over the age of 33 in your starting lineup.
Using the same side from kickoff, chug every time their captain (the guy with the armband) is in possession of the ball.
Using the same side, any time that side tries to argue a call with a referee, drink once for every player surrounding the referee.
If a goal is scored off of a free kick, finish your drink.
If any games go to a penalty shootout, drink once for every goal conceded by your side from above. Chug until the next kick if your team fails to convert by missing or being stopped.
Whenever an announcer refers to the World Cup as “the first ever World Cup in Africa” or “A big step for African sports,” finish your drink.
Drink for any shots of celebrities in the stands. One drink per celeb pointed out.
A round of shots must be taken after every goal scored by Honduras or New Zealand.
If you make someone laugh and spill on themselves while drinking, they have to take a shame-shot.
Whenever the camera shows a shot of a “foreign hottie” in the crowd, the last person to yell “I’d tap that” drinks.
Drink anytime any goalkeeper is referred to as a “penalty-saving specialist.” Finish your beer if he lets a penalty in within 5 minutes of this.
Drink twice every time the announcers compare a current player to a former player.
Finish your drink every time David Beckham’s name is mentioned during setup for a free kick.
Chug every time an announcer says that this “might be the year for an African team.”
Drink every time an announcer accuses a player of diving.
Cliché watch: drink every time Brazil are referred to as “skillful,” Germany “efficient,” England “gutsy,” and Korea “busy.”
Take a shot every time Cristiano Ronaldo is shown fixing his hair during a stoppage in play.
Drink every time Ronaldinho makes a completely unnecessary pass.
Drink every time offsides is called.
Drink every time political discussion about North Korea comes up during a match. Drink twice if North Korea isn’t even playing.
Take a shot for every puff piece about corruption or poverty in Africa.
Drink every time a sub is shown on a warm-up bike.
Finish your drink if punches are thrown.
Chug until the streaker is apprehended.
Drink for any World Cup records broken.
Drink for any attempts that measure out to 45m or longer.

Team USA Rules:

Any time Landon Donovan has the ball and the American announcer screams out his name like he is about to do something amazing, the last person to fake an orgasm has to drink.
Drink every time the American announcer completely ignores a replay of an American player flopping. Drink every time the American announcer goes absolutely ballistic over an opposing player's flop. If the two happen within 5 minutes of each other on the game clock, finish your drink.
If one US defender passes to another US defender, then the second defender passes back to the first one, take a drink. If the first one then passes to the second one again, take another. Keep going until a third player touches the ball.
Chug every time a US defender passes back to Tim Howard.
Any time Landon Donovan’s stint at Everton is mentioned, drink.
Any time Clint Dempsey’s goal against Juventus is mentioned, drink.
Every time Tim Howard snaps after a missed shot, take a drink for every defender he goes off on.
Drink for every shot or mention of Barack Obama.
Drink until blacked out if USA beats England.
Any time Jozy Altidore is referred to as “the future of Team USA,” finish your drink.
Chug if Tim Howard saves a penalty.

Team Australia Rules:

Every time “Kewel” and “Injury” are mentioned in the same sentence, drink.
Take a shot any time anyone mentions Josh Kennedy looking like Jesus.
Every time Tommy Oar is called “the next Harry Kewell,” finish your drink.
If someone refers to the Australian League as a “respectable league,” finish your drink.
Drink every time Scott McDonald misses a shot. Finish if the announcers defend him as “proficient at club level.”
Every time Craig Moore touches the ball, the last person to check that they still have both testicles drinks.
If an opposing player receives three yellow cards before being sent off (again), all alcohol in the building must be consumed within the hour.
Any time a highlight of Australia vs. Japan in 2006 is shown, drink. If Tim Cahill’s goal is shown, chug until live action resumes.

Team Mexico Rules:

Every time someone is described as “The best striker out of Mexico since Hugo Sanchez,” finish your drink.
Drink whenever Cuahutemoc Blanco tries to bunny hop over someone.
If watching on the Spanish language channel (which is HIGHLY recommended): drink for as long as the announcer shouts “GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLL!”
Drink whenever you can see a forward swear in Spanish after he misses. Finish if they actually show the replay and you can hear it.
Drink every time a Mexican player crosses himself.

Team New Zealand Rules:

Drink every time the All Blacks are mentioned.
Drink every time it is brought up that NZ’s last World Cup appearance was in 1982.
Drink every time New Zealand’s friendly victory over Serbia is mentioned.
Drink every time Rory Fallon appears on screen, finish your drink if his father is mentioned.
Drink every time Ryan Nelsen wins an aerial challenge, chug if the announcers then mention him playing for Blackburn.
Chug everytime a snide remark is made about New Zealand’s chances of competing in the World Cup.
Drink every time New Zealand and Australia are mentioned within the same sentence.

Team England Rules:

Any time an announcer mentions Ryan Giggs choosing to play for Wales over England, finish your drink.
Every time a commentator mentions David Beckham during an England game, the last player to touch their Achilles’ tendon drinks.
Drink every time the announcers discuss John Terry and the captaincy.
Every time England’s poor penalty record is noted, drink.
Drink continuously while Fabio Capello is on screen.

6/7/2010: The End of an Error

2010-06-08T13:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, the Milwaukee Brewers finally realized that pencils have erasers. After three-plus years of varying levels of failure, they finally cut ties with the sad-sack Jeff Suppan, costing the team over $10 million for the rest of the season.

To summarize: the team is paying $10 million dollars to Suppan in order for him to do absolutely nothing. And the fans are thrilled about it. So, yes, Soup: you have gotten that bad that paying you $10 million to do nothing is preferable to paying you $12 million to pitch. Not a good sign. It's mildly ironic that such an abortion of a contract would be terminated with 4 months still left on it.

The thing is, Suppan was never that good. When we signed him, the general consensus from Brewer Nation was "This is our big-name savior?" At the time, he was 32 years old and coming off of a successful, but not dominating, stint in St. Louis. It was Suppan's masterful performance in the 2006 NLCS, winning both of his starts, that catapulted him to the forefront of a pretty weak free agent class. Under the new ownership of Mark Attanasio, the team looked both to beef up payroll and show that they were serious about winning. So, inexplicably, they signed Suppan--a journeyman back-end starter who had just so happened to crank it up for two weeks. I instantly granted him provisional access to the Michael Redd All-Stars, for franchise-crushingly bad contracts, pending his suckitude. Now that all is said and done, nobody would argue against his inclusion.

Let's analyze Suppan using a little tool I like to call the Bad Free Agent Signing Checklist. If your favorite team signs a player, just hold him up against the list to see if you should be smiling or queasy.

-The player played out of his shoes on a high-pressure level, which has artificially inflated his value. Check. The difference between $5.5 million a year and $12 million a year for Suppan was his 2006 NLCS MVP award. This is seen far more often in the NBA (Hedo Turkoglu being the best recent example), but the rest of the major sports aren't immune to it.
-The player is just short of his prime and looks ready to make The Leap, but he demands to be paid like he has already made it OR The player is at the tail end of his prime, will most certainly be a shell of his former self by the end of the contract, yet demands to be paid like he will maintain his current level of production forever. Check. Suppan clearly fits the second criteria. How anyone could've thought that he would still be worth eight figures a year at age 35 when the track record of mid-30s pitchers argues against it is beyond me.
-Somehow, the player is in a favorable market that allows him to maximize the cash he can squeeze out of potential suitors. Check. Clearly, the Brewers weren't going to get Dice-K that off-season. So the best remaining options included Suppan, Ted Lilly, Jason Marquis, Gil Meche, Randy Wolf, or Barry Zito. After Zito (who you have to remember was coming off of a MONSTER run with the A's before spontaneously combusting in San Fran), we're talking about a massive drop-off. So the likes of Suppan, Lilly, and Meche were able to turn a weak market into overlarge contracts.
(Note: This phenomenon usually occurs in one of three ways. Either an above average player capitalizes a shallow FA pool like noted above, an above average player capitalizes on a successful run with a successful team to squeeze franchise status and money out of an also-ran (also applicable in the Suppan example), or the converse of the second option: a player establishes himself as the only legitimate player on a shitty team, and leverages that into superstar money (Michael Redd is a painful local example though, on a national scale, Andre Iguodala might be objectively a little bit worse.)
-The team is desperate to be seen doing anything to build a contender. Check. When the past two criteria combine, you KNOW you are in trouble. And in this case, the new owner wanted to distance himself from the old owner, who had spent the better part of 15 years refusing to spend money on ballplayers. The result? The team took one look at the above list of pitchers, said "We don't really like any of them too much but we need to do something, and settled on Suppan. "We know it's a bad decision long-term, but we need something to look good short-term," has never been the justification of a successful investment.
-The player is injury-prone enough to scare the shit out of your team committing so much cash to him--and, in the event that he blows his knee out in 82 places, you would not be shocked. Doesn't apply here--the one positive thing that can still be said about Suppan is that he's durable.

But hey--we signed him for the playoffs! He's an October hero! When this team gets over the top, you all are gonna be damn glad we overpaid for him!

Wait, here's Suppan's line from his start against the Phillies:
3 IP 6H 5R 5ER 2BB 3K 1WP and a series-clinching L

Thanks for the memories, Jeff. Now please give us some of our money back.

(Side note: feel free to measure up players of your choice against the Bad Free Agent Signing Checklist in the Comments section. I'm interested to see how well this thing holds up.)

Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe presents The Your Name Here MLB Power Rankings: May Edition (Part I)

2010-05-10T19:19:00.000-05:00

Hey, you didn't think I'd let another major sports season slip by without taking the opportunity to arbitrarily rank teams in a slightly different way than everyone else? Of course not! A month into the season, we can look back at some surprises and some not-so-surprises, and pretend that some predictions never happened. You hear me? At no point did I say that I liked the Doug Davis signing!

Anyways,

The Alan Trammell Division
30. Houston
Yipes. I knew that the 2003 National League All-Stars would be bad. Never would have pegged them as this bad. Offensively, they rank dead last in almost every major offensive category. Geoff Blum, Michael Bourn, and Jeff Keppinger are the only Astros with at least 50 at-bats and a .250 batting average. Kaz Matsui, JR Towles, and Lance Berkman both lag behind the Mendoza line. At this point, neither Berkman nor Matsui will even be able to be traded for prospects.

29. Baltimore
I think we can call the Jim Johnson Era a resounding failure. Kinda like Jim Johnson's ERA. Which currently sits at 6.52.

28. Pittsburgh
10-2 in games decided by two runs or less. What does that mean? That they've been getting incredibly lucky. With that incredible luck, they are still three games below .500. Things can only get worse from here.

27. Cleveland

AAAA
26. Arizona
At his current pace, Kelly Johnson will finish the season with 53 home runs. There are only three problems with this projection:
1. It is not 1996.
2. Kelly Johnson's name is not Brady Anderson
3. Kelly Johnson is (presumably) not taking gratuitous amounts of HGH.

25. Kansas City
Dear Zach Greinke: We are truly, truly sorry that a player of your caliber is wasting his time losing 2-1 games for this shitshow of a franchise. Your potential for a contender is simply astounding--instead, you'll be forced to spend the next half decade or so churning out Cy Young-level performances for a team that will not top fourth place in the division. Please don't overcompensate by signing with the Yankees at that point. Love, Baseball fans across the nation.

24. Chicago White Sox
Cut from the same Hitless Wonders cloth as the previously-discussed Astros. Two thirds of their everyday lineup is hitting below .250. The only things keeping them this far up the rankings are Jake Peavy's dominance and Paul Konerko's power.

23. Atlanta
Like some of the other teams listed to this point, the Braves are getting zero production from a large chunk of their lineup. Like some of the other teams listed to this point, the Braves have three starters with an ERA higher than 5.50. But they do have Martin Prado, Jason Heyward, and Tommy Hanson. So at least the people of Hotlanta have hope that they'll be back on top of the division in a few years.

22. Washington
Yes, here I am ranking a team with a winning record 22nd. When it's the team picked 30th overall in the pre-season, and their winning record is largely thanks to a league-leading seven one-run wins, excuse me for not being optimistic. As long as Jason Marquis is their number two starter, they aren't sniffing .500 at the end of the year.

Fatally Flawed

21. Seattle
Probably my second-worst preseason prediction: thinking that the M's would be a team to reckon with. Problem? Franklin Gutierrez and Casey Kotchman are tied for the team lead in home runs... with 3 apiece. The team's combined OPS is .638, which is quite craptastic. The silver lining? Doug Fister and Jason Vargas each have 5 quality starts out of 6, and King Felix has 5 of 7. Meanwhile, Brandon League has emerged as one of the best set-up men in the game. If only they could get a lead for him to set up.

20. Chicago Cubs
You'll notice that I've ranked the teams into categories. The "Fatally Flawed" is composed of generally good teams with one glaring, defining weakness. The Mariners couldn't hit. The Cubs can't keep people from hitting. Particularly if Tom Gorzelanny and Carlos Silva can't keep up their uncharacteristically hot starts--and I wouldn't bet on it--they could be in real trouble. And we haven't even touched on the Zambrano debacle.

19. Milwaukee Brewers
A far more extreme version of the Cubs. Ryan Braun is making a legitimate MVP candidacy, Casey McGehee is putting up solid numbers, and of the regulars only Alciedes Escobar's average is below .250. Meanwhile, the pitching staff beyond Yovanni Gallardo and the surprisingly lights-out Carlos Villanueva is otherworldly bad. Trevor Hoffman has 5 saves, 4 blown saves, and an ERA in the double digits. Time to gently take the car keys away.

18. Angels
Scott Kazmir and Joe Saunders are straight-up killing this team. A playoff contender for pretty much the past decade, the Angels sit five games below .500, largely because those two starters are a combined 2 for 12 in getting quality starts. The offense, besides Kendry Morales, has been passable, but not good enough. These guys are underachieving, and I'm not entirely sure that they've got the team to turn it around this year. Vladdy Guerrero is long gone, folks.

17. Los Angeles Dodgers
Like their crosstown neighbors, these guys have underwhelmed in April. 14-17, and injured Manny Ramirez and Rafael Furcals haven't really helped. Nor has Matt Kemp's regression back to "above average" after a breakout year. Andre Ethier deserves a mention for having an absolutely torrid April, though.

Reports Of Their Demise Are Greatly Exaggerated
16. Colorado
Hanging around in a division that seems to have largely inverted preseason expectations. Meaning that there's a good chance that three or four teams might be going down to the wire. Ian Stewart has emerged as a legitimate fantasy threat, much to my dynasty team's delight. Ubaldo Jimenez has emerged as a legitimate All-Star. Jhoulys Chacin looked unhittable in his first two starts. If they can convince Todd Helton that it's 2002 again, a Rocktober revival might be possible. Though that's a pretty big "if." They're a team to watch in the next few years though.

15. Cincinatti
Speaking of my dynasty league, I managed to pick up Mike Leake in the 12th round of our inaugural prospect draft. And so far, he's looking like the best player to skip the minor leagues since John Olerud and Jim Abbott both did it in 1989. The other players since then to attempt the feat? Darren Dreifort and Chan Ho Park both with the '94 Dodgers (both started off good, got overpaid, and stopped caring/being healthy), Ariel Prieto with the '95 A's (also see: Train Wreck), and Xavier Nady in 2000 with the Padres. Improbably, Leake has the Reds in second place in the NL Central.

Now, for the top half of the rankings, you are going to have to wait until tomorrow night. Why, you ask? Because I'm going to need something to plug tomorrow on the radio!

Yes, that's right. My good friend Mike Winski hosts an MLB-themed radio show every Tuesday and Thursday at noon, central time for the UW-Oshkosh radio station, WRST. Tomorrow, I will be on as his guest. If you happen to live in Oshkosh, tune in to 90.3 at noon to listen. If you don't live in Oshkosh, don't worry about being left out--you can still hear by going to the WRST website and clicking the "Listen Now" link in the top right corner. I think they allow call-ins, so feel free to do that.

Until then: enjoy yourself, bitches.

In Defense of Ben

2010-04-22T14:33:00.001-05:00

In case you didn't hear, Ben Roethlisberger will be unavailable to Pittsburgh for a minimum of 4 games for being falsely accused of a crime. A few of the first thoughts to pop into my head as a result of this:

-If you can still get decent odds on Baltimore to win the division, jump on it. You know, if gambling is legal where you live.
-There is no right answer when your quarterback choices for at least 25% of the season are Byron Leftwich, Dennis Dixon, or Charlie Batch. Only varying degrees of wrong.
-Ben is suspended, Santonio Holmes is a Jet, and Willie Parker is a Redskin. At the time of Super Bowl XLIII, those three were the core of Pittsburgh's offense--and 26, 24, and 28 respectively. And while Parker was a little past being "young," he had very little mileage on the odometer. That's the lookings of a five-year dynasty right there, at least. Two years later? Ruined.

And most importantly?

-This suspension is complete and utter bullshit.

And here lies the heart of the issue. If you are male, and the word "rape" is even mentioned in the same breath as your name, you are utterly fucked. Even if you win, you lose. In Ben's case, it has happened twice. Two different women have come forward and accused him of raping them. Neither time led to a charge.

As a 21-year-old who has been in college for three years and can best be described as a "seasoned veteran of the party scene," I consider myself somewhat of an authority on this kind of situation--because it is hardly uncommon. From the police report, it seems that Roethlisberger and the girl in question were both drunk as hell, and decided to bang in the bathroom of the club. Ben's bodyguards stood guard outside--according to the accuser, they were there to make sure the rape went uninterrupted. But let's be real here--a bathroom is a very public place, and the last thing that you want when you're mid-coitus is a door to fly open and a horrified bystander to come in. So if you've got the resources to make sure that doesn't happen--like, say, a couple large guys whose job it is to do just that--you're gonna exploit that. And he did. Nothing wrong with that.

But here's the thing about 20-year-old girls--while there are certainly more than a few who are intelligent, emotionally stable, high-quality women already, the majority (at least that I've had dealings with) are fucked up in some way or another. And it's far more common than you'd think for them to be total attention whores--especially the ones in the "party girl" crowd. As a wise man once said to me, "Girls don't go out looking to have a few drinks, then go home alone." Reports indicated that Ben's accuser was wearing a nametag that said "DTF." (For those of you scratching your head right now, that is a common abbreviation for "down to fuck.") Is this a woman who could potentially be raped? Yes. Is this a woman who could potentially drink herself to the point of having consensual sex that she would later regret, or at least pretend to regret in order to keep up appearances? Yes. Statistically speaking, which one is more likely to happen? From experience, I can safely say that it's the latter.

The problem is, the line between the two is often blurred, especially for women. Men are simply a different species. We are far more blunt and brutally honest with our friends than women are. If a man gets drunk and hooks up with someone he knows he shouldn't have, his friends laugh at him. And rightfully so--he fucked up, did something stupid, and the laughter allows him to realize this and not fuck up next time, or so you'd hope. But it sure as hell works a lot better than the way that women handle these things. Publicly, they sympathize--behind closed doors, they judge. It's happened with friends of mine a couple different times. Girl gets blackout drunk, girl hooks up with a sketchy guy that her alcohol-addled brain fell in love with, girl wakes up sober and realizes she fucked up, girl claims rape to keep herself from looking like a dumb, drunk panty-dropper.

And why not? The way our society and legal system are set up, it's to her advantage to play this way. As soon as the word "rape" is thrown out there, she is instantly shielded from judgment by the protective cloth of "victim." She's not a drunken slut--she is an innocent girl who just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. And it doesn't even matter if the rape claim holds up or not--by the time that happens, it's yesterday's news and she can escape the judgment of her peers.

Furthermore, crying rape can make legal sense. On most college campuses, a woman who comes forward claiming to be raped is immune to being charged with underage drinking. In theory, this allows more victims to come forward, since they won't get in trouble. In practice, this leads to more false claims, since it makes a rape accusation a veritable get-out-of-jail-free card. Roethlisberger's one-night stand (I refuse to call her a "victim") was 20 years old. I do not support the current drinking age in any way, shape, or form--but if you're going to have it, and you're going to have a rape accusation loophole, you BETTER FUCKING MAKE SURE YOU CLOSE THAT LOOPHOLE AS SOON AS "RAPE" IS THROWN OUT OF THE EQUATION. In every case I've seen personally, the girl claiming rape was underage. In every case, the girl in question was drunk as shit. In every case, the girl in question was not ticketed for underage drinking. In the case of Roethlisberger's one-night stand, this also held steady. Diversion successful.

Look, don't get me wrong. I'm not defending rape. Rape is awful--right up there with torture, war, and Michael Bay movies in the category of "Really shitty things in life that everyone would be a hell of a lot happier if we just did away with." True rapists are sick fucks, and deserve to have their cocks burned off with the most painful acid available. But that's the other awful part of the casual false accusations--by falsely crying rape to save your own hide, you are crying wolf for your entire gender. If someone is really raped, now not only do they have to deal with the hell that their life has become as a result, but they have to deal with their peers second-guessing them behind their backs, questioning whether it really happened. And in no way is that alright.

And here's the problem--you don't even need to be convicted of rape in order for it to fuck up your life. Even in being accused of it, you are stigmatized for life. Look at Roethlisberger. He does not have a criminal record. He is not married, and has no family. He had every right to do what he did. If the Steelers want to renegotiate a contract with a "no partying" clause, that's up to them--but as it stands, he didn't do a fucking thing wrong. What he did is what every other male ages 18-30 has done, and what most of them do on a regular basis--capitalize on a generation of women who are historically DTF. In his case, she was even wearing a fucking nametag advertising it. Yet the NFL is suspending him (a suspension which will cost him $3 million, by the way), the media is vilifying him, and pretty much everyone is backlashing out at him with a furor.

Here's the thing. It's clear that something's gotta give for Ben. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Clearly he didn't learn his lesson earlier--that dumb, drunk panty-droppers will do anything, including ruining you personally and professionally, to avoid be branded as such; and that when the man in the case is an NFL superduperstar, you also get famous on top of that! If he isn't a total retard, he'll stop putting himself in those situations. Or at least take a page out of Dave Chappelle's book and make one of his bodyguards carry around a folder of Love Contracts.

Chappelle's Show

Love Contract

www.comedycentral.com

Buy Chappelle's Show DVDs

Black Comedy

True Hollywood Story

But he doesn't deserve to be suspended, or turned into the White Michael Vick. It's not an issue of race. Vick savagely tortured and murdered living beings; Donte Stallworth killed another human while driving drunk; Rae Carruth killed the mother of his unborn child; Pacman Jones... well, the less said about him the better. The fact that these men all happened to be black is a moot point--they all did heinous things that were deserving of punishment. Roethlisberger is a different beast. In fact, the closest comparison to this case does not come from the NFL. Pretty much the same thing happened to Kobe Bryant in 2003. And Kobe had a wife and a baby daughter at the time. And Kobe's case came far closer to actually going to trial. Yet he wasn't suspended, or punshed in any way by the league.

And that's the way this should have gone. Indeed, Ben has some lessons to learn. But suspending him not only does nothing to help those lessons be learned, it validates the acceptance of false rape accusations in our culture. The NFL had a chance to stand up and score a symbolic victory for falsely-accused men everywhere. Instead, they chose to punt on fourth and short.

Random Thoughts: 4/20/10

2010-04-20T14:16:00.000-05:00

So I just realized... since the foundation of Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe, this is ~~probably~~ the longest I have gone without an update of some kind, thanks to a perfect storm of school business, other business, attempting to find a real job for this summer (NOTE: If you love this blog enough that you want daily updates, and are willing to sign a contract to pay me several hundred dollars a week to do it, my inbox is awaiting your inquiry), and doing it all while fighting off both a sinus infection and mono. No, I did not up and ragequit after my bracket beatdown, though I'm sure nobody would've blamed me.

So there's a lot going on in this crazy little world. Here's my take.

Baseball, or "Jesus Fuck, the Brewers' bullpen is a pile of shit"

What needs to be said that hasn't already been said in the headline? Trevor Hoffman is surviving on craftiness and luck at this point, his stuff wouldn't land him a job on most AA teams if he auditioned anonymously. LaTroy Hawkins is one step closer to being an overpaid game-choker for every team in the Midwest. The team ERA is 6.06. I know it's not even a month into the season, but again: 6.06! Yes, it's that bad. There is absoultely zero chance that this team is still alive come September unless something changes drastically. Either the guys we have need to stop fucking up, or we need to replace them with guys who will.

That being said, I have been thoroughly enjoying the Casey McGehee era. His .378 BABIP implies that his numbers will soon return somewhat to scale, but he looks like a legit .300-25-75 guy at this point. Thanks, Cubbies!

On the fantasy front: my one-year team, Phillips her Pujols, is sitting in second place despite a jaw-dropping rash of injuries. Casualties to this point include: Brandon Webb, JP Howell, Huston Street, Lance Berkman, Aaron Hill, and Jimmy Rollins. Again, it is April 20th. Thankfully, waiver-wire stopgap Vernon Wells has put together another monster April for one of my teams. It seems to be an April tradition in the Greendale Alumni League--like the July tradition of me acquiring Mark Teixera for 70 cents on the dollar. My first-year dynasty team, Byrnes When I Peavy, is two games over .500 and looking like a trip to the playoffs might be possible once Berkman and Conor Jackson return, and I am no longer forced to play Ty Wigginton at first base. And the less said about my second-year dynasty team, Snakes on John Maine, the better. After collapsing in the last two weeks of the season to choke away a playoff start, the Snakes sit in 14th out of 18 teams. Derek Jeter's continued dominance, Delmon Young's early breakout, and injury returns from Rickie Weeks, Shaun Marcum, and Ben Sheets have done little to douse the putridity that Prince Fielder, Jason Bay, Ichiro, and pretty much my entire pitching staff have been emitting.

Basketball, or "LeBron and Kobe warm up for their inevitable showdown"
Back in March, when I was home for break, I caught a Bucks game, and got the chance to have a few beers afterwards with Dan Hoelzl, one of the head guys of Squad 6. He's an awesome guy, knows the game EXTREMELY well, and is a passionate-as-all-hell fan. I traded e-mails with him, and planned to do an interview for the playoffs. Then Andrew Bogut's arm snapped, everyone settled into "We'll make the playoffs but do jack shit once we're there" mode, and the state's attention moved on to the Brewers. I can still hit him up for a postseason interview if you guys would like--let me know through the comments. Also, potential questions that you'd like to see one of the organizers of Squad 6 answer.

Who do I like in the playoffs? Let's break it down.
West
1. Lakers over 8. Hijackers in 6
I don't see Durant taking the car keys to the West from Kobe quite yet. But I do see the Hijackers stealing a couple games, getting some legit attention, and getting necessary playoff mileage from this.

2. Dallas over 7. San Antonio in 6
The more talented team will win, but the Spurs will find a way to make them work for it. Don't be surprised to see a pooped-out Dallas get shellacked in the second round by...

3. Phoenix over 6. Portland in 5
Steve Nash in possibly his best season, the re-animated corpse of Amare Stoudemire... if anyone is gonna knock off the Lakers, this is it.

5. Utah over 4. Denver in 5
The fact that Chauncey Billups seems hell-bent on taking the big shots instead of Carmelo absolutely kills this team. In a "Mike Brown coaching the Cavs into the ground the past two years" way. If Billups can realize that, this one might go deeper, and Denver might be able to save it.

East
1. Cleveland over 8. Chicago in 4
Headline on the Bulls' team website: "Chicago goes down 2-0 to Cavs, but might have a plan." Might? That's the best you got?

2. Orlando over 7. Charlotte in 4
"Dwight Howard over Emeka Okafor" now looks REALLY smart in hindsight.

3. Atlanta over 6. Milwaukee in 5
Game 1: the Bucks got 34 points from Brandon Jennings, and still lost by 10. I can see Jennings and Salmons both getting hot to carry one win, or an abnormally bad night from Joe Johnson and Josh Smith, but that's about it. No way this one goes more than 6 deep.

5. Miami over 4. Boston in 7
The Celts are a beaten team. Just watch them--they want the season to be over now. And I'll let you fill in your own punchline about Rasheed Wallace scoring on his own basket here. Better yet, here's the video:

And on that mention of 'Sheed, I hope you all have a happy 4/20.

Four Regions: A Look Back (or; "A Retarded Monkey and a Dart Board Could've Picked This Sumbitch Better)

2010-03-30T20:57:00.002-05:00

So it's been two weeks since I last posted here. In those two weeks, lots of shit has gone down.

-The first four rounds of the NCAA Tournament which, if you've been paying attention, are kind of a big deal to me. If you haven't been paying attention, feel free to look back at the last five or six posts on here to gain some understanding of the context. It's not like I'm going anywhere.

-My spring break. In an ideal world, this would've included me going to , drinking more than any reasonable human being should, admiring the stuffed bikinis on the beach as my girlfriend either looked at me disapprovingly or outright punched me in the balls (depending on where I was on the "Still Able to Check Girls Out Subtly----------Completely Fucking Hammered And 'Subtle' Might As Well Be A Chinese Word" spectrum), yelling at random objects, dancing with random objects, and probably leaving the week with a warrant out for my arrest and at least three types of VD. Since the end of my tenure at my last regular job predates Alciedes Escobar's major-league debut, however, this was not the case. A more realistic summary includes masturbation, watching DVDs of "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" in my underwear, sneaking from my parents' liquor cabinet like it's junior year again, masturbation, furious attempts to find weed in a town that I have zero connections in, masturbation, watching the second weekend of the tournament, going to the Bucks game Wednesday night (since my buddy Pat had an extra ticket), masturbation, sleeping past noon, being reminded by my mom how bad she wants me to move back home after I graduate, and masturbation.

I wish I had a better story for my readers about why I've been neglecting them, but I don't. If it makes you feel any better, tell yourself that I was mauled by a bear and had to go to the emergency room. In fact, I'm going to keep telling myself this, as it is much less depressing than my actual break.

-Yes, the Milwaukee Bucks are still players in the postseason hunt. Yes, the Milwaukee Brewers start their season in less than a week. Yes, these are my two main reasons for living at this point in time. And yes, I should be ashamed of that.

-The second weekend of break, I did manage to make some money doing an actual job, albeit a temporary one. By contrast, I've been writing content for this blog since August--counting research, deleted posts that didn't make the cut of publication, and social marketing, we're talking at least 75 hours of work. And in this one weekend, I made 30 times as much as I have writing. I'm not saying that you HAVE to click on the ads in the right column of this page, but anything that keeps me from having to give blowjobs for beer money is a plus at this point in my life.

(There's a lesson to be made here: if you want to start up a blog, do it--but do it for the right reasons. If you do it because you enjoy writing, because it makes you happy, and because you feel like you can make people laugh/think/pay attention, you are good. If you want to do it to make money, prepare to be disappointed. Realistically, I would probably be financially better off working in a sweatshop in the armpit of the world than doing this for a living. And I am not kidding about that at all.)

If you are hoping for things to get less depressing now that I'm done updating you and moving on to the meat of this post, you might want to click away. There are lots of blogs about unicorns, kittens, and Nazis that will be far more pleasant. Okay, maybe the last one won't. But there has been nothing pleasant about trying to forecast this year's tournament. Since bullet points seem to be in style today,

-I lost three of my Final Four teams in the second fucking round, yet my bracket is still better than 29% of Yahoo entries and 19% of ESPN entries. It goes without saying that I hardly turned in a championship showing this year--but averaging those two out, one-fourth of people did fucking worse!
-My girlfriend had Gonzaga and Marquette--yes, you read that right, Gonzaga and Marquette--in the Final Four, and is still in 5th place in her entire dorm's Bracket Challenge (for context: we're talking about a 10-story dorm, free entry, and cheesy prizes for the winners).
-In short, as the alternate title of this thing says: a retarded monkey and a dart board could've done a better than average job of picking this year's bracket. Several billion dollars of wasted productivity, and lots of failure to show for it. Bravo, America.

That being said, I'm not doing separate posts for each region this time around. Everything is in one place. But we're going to look back at what went right (not a lot), what went wrong (a metric fuckton of stuff), and what we can learn from it (if my bookie comes up to you and asks if you've seen me, the correct answer is "I think he moved to Brazil, dude").

Midwest Region

I overrated: The easy answer here is obviously Kansas. Has a majority-vote champion ever fallen so flat? We all thought that their depth would be their strength--instead, the converse turned out to be true. Their lack of an Alpha Dog, someone who could step up and say "Okay, there is no fucking way we are losing this game," was what killed them. Ali Farokhmanesh had that mentality for Northern Iowa: "Okay, this is my senior year and if we lose, my career is over. We're not going to lose. Period. If it kills me, we will win this game." Again, this is why I love senior-heavy mid-majors to overachieve in the tournament--the experience is nice, but a majority of these guys have no future playing the game or, if they have a future, it's in a place like Turkmenistan. Desperation brings out the best in the human spirit. With one title under their belts already and a fat NBA paycheck in each of their futures, do you think Sherron Collins or Cole Aldrich really cared about that game to the point that Farokhmanesh or Jordan Eglseder did? For the first two, in the grand scheme of things, it's a blip in the radar. For the last two, that game was literally the defining 40 minutes of their lives, win or lose.

I underrated: Michigan State. From a gambling perspective, I am terrified of the Michigan State-Butler game. It's like a collision course of "Nobody believed in us!" Everyone wrote MSU off after the Kalin Lucas injury--yet they overcame Northern Iowa's Cinderella power and survived a brawl with Tennessee. These guys are gelling at exactly the right time.

I properly rated: San Diego State. What does that say about this year's tournament that one of my four regional "most properly rated" titles goes to a team that I correctly said was a stupid upset pick even as they were being heralded as a sexy upset pick? I quit.

Interesting Fact: Ohio State was the only team to make it to the second weekend who was supposed to.

Another Interesting Fact: Georgetown sucks. They really, really, suck. Hard. If I was Austin Freeman, I would think long and hard before declaring for the NBA Draft. And if I was a sports agent Freeman wanted to hire in the event that he does declare, I would think long and hard about whether I wanted to spend this summer negotiating with Turkish League or Italian League teams.

Now Class, What Did We Learn? We learned that talented seniors with nothing to lose are to be feared, heavily. We learned that Bruce Pearl and Tom Izzo know how to get the most from their teams in March. We learned that teams without a clearly defined go-to guy crumble in close games. In other words, we learned absolutely no new information. I will no proceed to bang my head on the wall repeatedly. To the girls in the apartment next door, I'm sorry for the noise.

West Region

I overrated: BYU. I thought their three-point shooting would be enough to carry them to an upset over K-State. However, when you only attempt 16 threes over the course of the game, that's just not gonna happen. How do you not come out gunning from long range when you're the top three-point percentage team in the nation, and a hot hand from three blew away Florida in the second overtime of Round One?

I underrated: Xavier. Jordan Crawford is the real deal. Like "if I was an NBA scout for a lottery team, I would be watching every existing piece of footage on this kid" real. His and Jacob Pullen's double-overtime duel Thursday night is an early contender for Sports Moment of 2010.

I properly rated: Murray State. Very few opportunities for bragging rights with my bracket this year, but here's one of them: I nailed this one, bitches! Suck it, world!

Okay, now that we're done with that, enjoy this clip of the first (and most awesome) buzzer-beater of the tournament. The best part comes at the 23 second mark: three benchwarming ginger kids who all look like they just watched their parents get murdered.

That was fun.

Theory of the Day, Supported By Incontrovertible Evidence: The fact that Jacob Pullen's first name isn't "Richard" is proof that his parents have no sense of humor. I'm sorry, the "Pullen It Off" puns just don't cut it for me.

Most Gawd-Awful Coach of the Touranment: Dave Rose, BYU. How the FUCK do you only shoot 16 threes against a 2-seed when that's your team's strength? Doesn't airing it out give you the best chance to win? Didn't Jimmer Fredette have actual NBA Jam-style flames shooting out of his head during the second overtime of the Florida game? Rose seemed more concerned with holding down the margin of defeat than making any kind of effort to pursue victory. You owe your team better, Dave.

Now Class, What Did We Learn? Alpha Dog vs. Alpha Dog battles during prime-time television make for March memories. If you were in a pool with a Butler alum, you probably lost. Vermont would've been at least 10 points closer if TJ Sorrentine was sitting courtside for the game. Never, ever, back a 'fraidy-cat coach in an upset bid. The Big East sucked a fat one this year.

East Region

I overrated: Wisconsin. In order for them to exploit a perfect matchup against Kentucky, they would've actually had to... get to Kentucky. Instead? Wofford almost pulled the upset, before handing away the game in the final minutes. Then Cornell blew them off the court. I didn't know it was possible to have a "trap game" when you're not even playing--but Cornell-Wisconsin definitely qualified as a trap game in my bracket.

I underrated: Washington. The best-kept secret of the tournament is that the most superbly-played game so far happened in the first round: Marquette-Washington. Both teams shot over 50%, both teams shot over 60% from three, both teams had four players in double digits, came down to a buzzer-beater from Calvin Pondexter... if you love watching basketball, you loved that game. Both of those teams deserved to be in the Sweet Sixteen.

I properly rated: Kentucky. Sure, they are four talented freshmen. But at the end of the day, four freshmen playing for their draft prospects is not a good game plan to get to the Final Four. I told you all that their inexperience in close games would haunt them. I knew that they would run away to a few huge wins early (29 points over ETSU, 30 points over Wake Forest, 15 points over Cornell), but that when they faced a team that could stay in the game, they would melt down. I just missed the boat on which team would force said meltdown.

Most Gawd-Awful Coach of the Tournament Award, Honorable Mention: A well-trained monkey could've taken Rick Barnes' collection of All-Americans to the Sweet Sixteen. He's either the college version of Chris Wallace (taking all the best high school players who will never be good college players) or Mike Dunleavy (taking gifted teams and careening them into a lightpole). The fact that all three of the above are still employed is a crying shame.

Reason (Rick Barnes Won't Give The Media) For Texas' Epic Late-Season Collapse: It's a recession, guys. We had to cut payroll this year.

Best Example of Life Imitating Art in Sports History: Kentucky Basketball vs. Ricky Bobby. Either they win, or they crash the car. If they're not first, they're last. Also, most of them will not obtain a college degree, like Ricky.

Now Class, What Did We Learn? Don't overlook a bad second-round matchup because you love a team's thrid-round matchup. A great team will always outperform a collection of great players. Darington Hobson should start looking for affordable apartments in the Czech Republic. Just because a team steamrolled their last opponent doesn't make them a guarantee to beat the next one. Just because it didn't count on the scoreboard doesn't make it awesome:

South Region

I overrated: The Big East. At this point, I wouldn't pick Villanova to make the final of the NIT, much less the real tournament. And I'm seriously considering deleting the entire Luke Harangody section out of the Tournament Manifesto 2.0. It never happened, okay? What's amazing is that Notre Dame still almost held off Old Dominion, despite four points from their best player.

I underrated: St. Mary's. I wish I had seen them before the tournament--I've never seen a team that makes the extra pass so well. My favorite team to watch all month.

I properly rated: Nobody. I missed five of the eight second-round teams, three of four Sweet Sixteen teams, half of the regional final, and the Final Four rep. The worst region of my bracket-picking life, by a wide margin.

Mind-Blowing Stat of the Touranment: Not only did Notre Dame only get four points from Harangody, but they attempted three free throws as a team all game. That's got to be a record for basketball games not refereed by Dick Bavetta.

Mind-Blowing Transaction of the Tournament: Siena flopped as the most-picked upset of the tournament (34.7% of Yahoo users took them as a 13-over-4), yet Fran McCaffery turned that turd into a power-conference deal at Iowa. Not saying that McCaffery doesn't deserve to coach at that level, just that the timing of it--especially after he won in the first round the previous two years, and got no big-time offers--is uncanny, to say the least.

Now Class, What Did We Learn? Coach K can indeed coach a team of All-Americans on a roped-off red carpet path to the Final Four. When you load a bracket with the worst possible 2, 3, 4, and 5-seeds of the tournament, picking the winners is about as reliable as picking the weather. Between Duke's Final Four trip and the Yankees' World Series win, God truly hates sports fans.

March Madness 2010: South Region/Final Four Quickie

2010-03-18T01:16:00.000-05:00

I planned on being able to have a write-up ready for the last region and Final Four... only I didn't plan on 12 hours of drunkenness for St. Patrick's Day. Needless to say, there was no time to be found for blogging. Since the tournament starts in less than 12 hours, I want my picks on record. So here we go. With this, you can put it together, and I will go into more detail tomorrow.

South Region

Sweet 16: Duke over Louisville, Siena over Utah State, Notre Dame over Baylor, Villanova over Richmond
Final Four: Villanova over Duke

Final Four

Kansas over Pitt
Villanova over West Virginia

Kansas over Villanova

March Madness 2010: East Region Preview

2010-03-17T02:40:00.000-05:00

Time for Good Region Number Two! We've got John Wall, the Big East champions, the Pac-10 champions (though as an 11-seed), a Wisconsin team that knocked off Purdue and came ohsoclose to upsetting Ohio State, two of the best three-point shooting teams in the nation (Marquette and Cornell), a Missouri team that knocked off Kansas State, and the ex-number-one-ranked-team-in-the-nation, Texas, as an 8-seed. I mean, holy shit--read that back again. That's just a brutal region. And if Kentucky can pull off a Final Four run, it could possibly stand as the most brutal ever faced by a 1-seed. Formerly top-ranked Texas in the second round, a giant-hunting Wisconsin team that matches up disturbingly well with the 'Cats in the Sweet Sixteen, then the champions of the best conference in the entire NCAA in the Elite Eight. Think of it like a car trying to jump over a gap in a bridge. If you make it, it's awesome and nobody who witnessed it ever forgets. But that's a pretty big if.

Anyways, enough foreplay. On to the picks.

First Round
-1. Kentucky over 16. East Tennessee State
The Selection Committee's statement regarding the controversy over their historically tough road to the Final Four? "Hey, at least we didn't give them Georgetown as a 16-seed in the first round!"
-8. Texas over 9. Wake Forest
Always beware the mega-talented, underperforming teams come March. You never know what might spark them to be who people thought they were.
-12. Cornell over 5. Temple
Okay, you want a 12-5 upset, buddy? Try a 40% three-point shooting team with tournament experience (two straight years, at that) going against a shaky mid-major at-large bid with losses to St. Johns and Charlotte. This is the one to watch. Teams like Temple with a "12" in front of their name always seem to get just enough lucky bounces.
-4. Wisconsin over 13. Wofford
Wofford has already lost to two Big Ten teams seeded lower than the Badgers.
-6. Marquette over 11. Washington
The Pac-10 champion is only an 11-seed. And they only have two teams in the tournament! The Atlantic 10 and WAC have both surpassed the Pac-10 in both categories. I hate the East Coast bias as much as anyone, but you've gotta put a competitive product out, guys.
-3. New Mexico over 14. Montana
Meh. Doubt too many people will be flipped to this game.
-10. Missouri over 7. Clemson
Clemson doesn't impress me. Missouri beating Kansas State does. And the Big 12's depth this year is impressive.
-2. West Virginia over 15. Morgan State
Another textbook Happy To Be Here team. Enjoy the experience.

Second Round
-1. Kentucky over 8. Texas
If there was ever an 8-over-1 upset to pick, this is the one. Unproven Kentucky team still in their first tournament weekend (first one ever for 4 of their starting 5), Texas team that was ranked #1 and started off 17-0. Problem is, Texas is 7-9 since then. Here lies the greatest long-term collapse not to involve the New York Mets or Bucky Dent in sports history.
-4. Wisconsin over 12. Cornell
Wisconsin suffocates Cornell's shooters on the defensive end, cleans up the boards, gets to the line and manages to score while putting Cornell in foul trouble... (nodding). Sounds incredibly possible.
-6. Marquette over 3. New Mexico
Best wins for New Mexico: Cal (8 seed) and BYU (7) twice. Making Marquette arguably the toughest team they have faced all year. New Mexico is the poster child for the "top seeds have never been weaker" argument that's being made this year. Never has a 3-seed played so many creampuffs.
-2. West Virginia over 10. Missouri
You're not going to see two 2-seeds go down on opening weekend.

Sweet Sixteen
-4. Wisconsin over 1. Kentucky
Oh, yes. You better believe I went there. Now, before you call the paramedics to take me off to the loony bin (two Facebook friends have already declared that I must be drunk to make this pick), hear me out. Believe me, after a middle-school mistake in which I took 5-seeded Wisconsin as a Final Four team and watched them drop in the first round, I've taken the noble cause of fighting homerism seriously. I wouldn't make this pick if I wasn't extremely confident in it, and I am. Here's why:
1. Kentucky is starting four freshmen and, of their close games this year, only Vanderbilt could be considered a good team. Other than that, their wins by 5 or less include Miami of Ohio, North Carolina, UConn, Auburn, and Miss St. Put them in a close game against a semi-decent team (as in "nobody in the above list") and suddenly rookie mistakes--like John Wall short-arming a potential game-winner from the corner--will be huge, and maybe Cousins isn't able to outmuscle the entire defense for the put-back...
2. Wisconsin takes care of the basketball (only 8.9 turnovers per game... best in the NCAA), makes their free-throws (73.5%... top 20 in the NCAA) and grinds the tempo of the game down to a crawl. It's an ugly game to watch, but they aren't going to get blown out of the arena by anybody. Hell, they shot under 20% in the first half against Illinois and still had it at 10 points--you don't pull that off unless you really milk your possessions.
3. Kentucky wins by blowing teams out, and Wisconsin isn't a team that can be blown out. Meaning that the Badgers might not jump out to a lead, but they won't go away. They'll come roaring back, and keep it close, and keep the seeds of doubt in the Wildcat players' minds. Why won't these guys go away?! Then, the doubt turns to rattled-freshman panic. And mistakes. And Wisconsin capitalizes on mistakes.
I do think the bracket this year is laughably unfair. Kentucky has to run the table against Texas (pre-season top 3 team), Wisconsin (top-15 team that is a match-up nightmare for UK's style of play) and West Virginia (tournament winners in the nation's toughest conference). Kansas (the best 1 seed) and Ohio State (the best 2 seed) are in the same bracket. Meanwhile, Duke gets their region as gift-wrapped as possible without drawing St. Mary's School For The Blind in the sweet 16. It fucking sucks. But that's reality. And the reality is spelled out plain as day above. If it makes you feel better, Kentucky fans, this might cause one or two of your freshman phenoms to stick around in school another year.
2. West Virginia over 6. Marquette
The state of Wisconsin already used up all of it's goodwill with the March Madness Gods in the above matchup. No chance in hell the March Madness Gods will ever allow a Marquette-Wisconsin matchup with that much on the line.

Elite Eight
2. West Virginia over 4. Wisconsin
Do I love Wisconsin as the "perfect storm" matchup to topple Kentucky? You bet your ass I do. Do I love them so much against the Big East champions, a team who has won in every way imaginable in the NCAA tournament and won't give the Badgers error-prone invitaitons to take the game late? Not really. And especially not in such a potential Letdown Game.

March Madness 2010: West Region Preview

2010-03-17T01:53:00.000-05:00

So, the Midwest is down. For the first part of today, we move to one of the bottom regions--for the sake of this tournament, I'm considering the Midwest and East the "top" regions, and the West and South the "bottom" regions. Why? Because the MW and E are stacked, and the W and S are both fairly sketchy. As we will soon see.

Okay, enough with the rambling. On to the picks.

First Round
-1. Syracuse over 16. Vermont
Though I would loooove to see Vermont win this one, if only for the decades of shit-talking to 'Cuse fans that it would win them. 12-over-5 upset in 2005? Awesome. 16-over-1 upset in 2010? Compoundedly super-awesome. Honestly, who outside the state of New York wouldn't love to see that?
(Regardless of how it ends, I'm excited to see how this game works out between the fans. Has a 16-seed ever had ammo to talk shit to a 1-seed before this? These are the kinds of questions PTI and the like should be asking.)
-9. Florida State over 8. Gonzaga
67% of Yahoo users are taking Gonzaga. That kind of disparity in an 8-9 matchup? The Gambling Gods cannot be happy. Remember, there is a reason that bookies are filthy stinking rich.
(Also, my girlfriend is taking Gonzaga--or, as she calls them, "Godzilla"--to the Final Four. Odds of this backfiring, them going out in the first round, and me giving her shit for this until next March? Looking like a good bet.)
-5. Butler over 12. UTEP
Remember back in 2007, when a glut of people picked Long Beach State over Tennessee because LBSU was a 12-seed and had Snoop Dogg connections? And how LBSU lost by 40 points? Also, remember in that same year how Butler was another trendy pick to get upset in a 12-5 matchup, then made it to the second weekend? The lesson here? Choose your upsets wisely. And this is not a wise choice.
-13. Murray State over 4. Vanderbilt
Billy Kennedy is an experienced tournament coach, and the Racers' top 6 scorers are separated by only 1.1 points per game. On top of that, Vanderbilt lost a 4-13 matchup to Siena in 2008. Most of the Commodore players were on that team, and you know it will be in the back of their heads if they can't put it away early. And while Murray State may not be capable of blowing people out of the building they are a balanced, steady team that can keep it close and capitalize on a few mental errors by rattled players down the stretch.
(By the way, every Vanderbilt upperclassman who was there for the '08 game against Siena will spend the rest of the time until the game is over PRAYING that this doesn't happen. And if it does? Well, there's no rioting like drunken, angry college sports nut rioting!)
-11. Minnesota over 6. Xavier
While you have to watch out for the "mid-level team that played into a big-time seed" conference tournament success, riding the "we've already pulled off a Cinderella story in our conference tourney to get here" team is encouraged. As they always say, the most dangerous man in a fight is the man with nothing to lose. Minnesota's season should be over--at this point, everything is gravy. So we've got a 40% three-point shooting crew playing with nothing to lose and a spring in their step from knocking off Michigan State and Purdue. Xavier, after that? Should be cake.
-3. Pittsburgh over 14. Oakland
You know how every year, there's a 3-14 game that ends up being ridiculously entertaining and, if you're lucky, ends with Northwestern State pulling the upset? This is not going to be that game. Textbook "We're Just Happy To Be Here" team.
-7. BYU over 10. Florida
You might remember BYU as a textbook example of a Three-Point Bomber candidate. You also might remember Florida as a team that was supposedly on the bubble, and is incredibly lucky to have scored as high as a 10-seed? Bring bodybags for this one.
-2. Kansas State over 15. North Texas
Just imagine where this team would be if they still had Michael Beasley.

Second Round
-1. Syracuse over 9. Florida State
Yeah... this isn't exactly Georgetown trying to pull the huge-underdog upset of a 1-seeded Syracuse. Haul over the bodybags from the Florida game.
-5. Butler over 13. Murray State
You've gotta respect Butler--they've always at least held up their seed in the tournament, if not exceeded it. They're not the type of team to let Murray State beat them.
3. Pittsburgh over 11. Minnesota
Tubby Smith's reclamation project isn't quite that far along yet. They'll be in the Sweet 16 sooner, rather than later. This is not the year, though.
7. BYU over 2. Kansas State
When the Stormin' Mormons are on, they can shoot the lights out. And coming off the blowout win I'm calling over Florida, they're gonna have a little bit of swagger. I can easily see them catching fire. Kansas State's perimeter defense was exposed by Kansas three times this season. BYU isn't Kansas-good, but this is a terrible matchup for K-State.

Sweet Sixteen
1. Syracuse over 5. Butler
One thing that was noted repeatedly after the third round of the Big East tournament was that, with the teams and coaches as familiar with each other as they are, most underdogs always have a shot. Outside of that kind of environment? There are teams that might be able to beat Syracuse--just that Butler is not one of them.
3. Pitt over 7. BYU
Pitt was able to handily beat Marquette, a similar-style team to BYU who is seeded higher. Pitt's D will hassle the BYU shooters, Ashton Gibbs will take over, and we'll be looking at an end to the Cinderella dreams of BYU.

Elite Eight
3. Pitt over 1. Syracuse
Again, I love 'Cuse against non-Big East coaches who aren't familiar with them. But against Pitt, who already beat them once this year, it's a lot tougher to call. I'm gonna say Jamie Dixon goes from Sweet Sixteen to Elite Eight to Final Four in consecutive years.

March Madness 2010: Midwest Regional Preview

2010-03-15T17:21:00.000-05:00

So here's Part 2 of our six-part NCAA Tournament preview. If you missed the March Manifesto 2.0, feel free to go check that out at some point. But whereas that dealt with a skeleton strategy that is refined and applied every year, now we're delving into what you really want: the cheat sheets for This Year Right Now.

Disclaimer Number One: Neither Somewhere Over Dwayne Bowe or it's author are responsible for any money you lose as a result of following the advice here. It's your responsibility. Then again, if you follow my advice and win big, I'll gladly let you share your winnings with me. I'm an accomidating guy like that.
Disclaimer Number Two: Over 90% of my readership comes from the United States, and I need to emphasize that gambling is illegal in most of that particular country. You see that, Government Agent Who Is "Randomly" Monitoring My Computer Thanks To The Patriot Act? I'm being good. Now please let my family go?

First Round
-1. Kansas over 16. Lehigh
This one doesn't even deserve a write-up.
-9. Northern Iowa over 8. UNLV
I like UNI. They went 18-3 in a tough mid-major conference, outscore their opponents by 9 points per game, and top 75% from the line as a team. They don't have the star power to beat any big-time teams, but I like them over UNLV for sure.
-5. Michigan State over 12. New Mexico State
Look elsewhere for your 5-12 upset than a mid-major with 11 losses going against a Tom Izzo squad. Say what you will about his inability to beat Wisconsin, Izzo always has his team prepared for March.
-4. Maryland over 13. Houston
March basketball can easily turn into a one-man show. And in this case, Grievous Vasquez is far and away the best player on the court, bar none. Expect him to take over.
-6. Tennessee over 11. San Diego State
The Aztecs came close to stunning Indiana during the 2006 tournament. It's not gonna happen this time around.
-3. Georgetown over 14. Ohio
Don't be a hero, Billy. This one's not gonna happen.
-10. Georgia Tech over 7. Oklahoma State
Don't be fooled by Tech's record--playing in the same conference with Duke, Maryland, and Clemson hurt them. The Okies won't be able to handle Gani Lawal and Derrick Shumpert down low, both of them average at least 12.5 points and 8 rebounds per game.
-2. Ohio State over 15. Cal-Santa Barbara
I'll say it once: forcing Kansas and Ohio State to go through each other on the road to the Final Four while Duke gets it's path plowed clean is a fucking travesty. This was my championship pick, until the committee went and screwed the pooch.

Second Round
-1. Kansas over 9. Northern Iowa
UNI has a great little team, and against a lesser upset candidate I'd go for it. But not here.
-4. Maryland over 5. Michigan State
A fantastic matchup, this one should be happening a round later. I think this one goes down to the wire, which is where the Alpha Dog Corollary comes into play. With Maryland, you know that Vasquez is the guy to take the big shot. With Michigan State, well, that's the thing: it might be Kalin Lucas, it might be Raymar Morgan, or Draymond Green or Durrell Summers. When the game is on the line with seconds to go, there should be no doubt who the play is being designed for, and he should have no doubt that he is getting the ball in the hoop somehow.
-6. Tennessee over 3. Georgetown
I'm not impressed enough with Georgetown's body of work to see them as worthy of a 3-seed. Making it to the Big East final was good, but is it worth enough to offset their 10-8 conference record prior to that? I say no, and I say they are Overseeded Team #1 who isn't making it out of the first weekend.
-2. Ohio State over 10. Georgia Tech
Not a chance in hell Evan Turner lets Ohio State go home on the first weekend.

Sweet Sixteen
-1. Kansas over 4. Maryland
I feel so boring not picking any upsets in this round. But let's be realistic--if your life is on the line, and you have to pick these games, is there any chance you're going against Kansas or Ohio State? I say no.
-2. Ohio State over 6. Tennessee
Again, don't get cute. You're going to pick against the best player in the nation, someone who can take over a game at any point and carry his team, you better have a damn good reason to do so.

Elite Eight
-1. Kansas over 2. Ohio State
And in terms of "damn good reasons," you've gotta put "I'm picking the better team over the better player" as one of the best. Turner is a monster, but Kansas' entire team is great. Whoever wins this one will take the title, and I just don't see Kansas being beatable this year.

March Manifesto 2.0

2010-03-15T15:54:00.000-05:00

Three years ago, when I was a senior in high school, I wrote a monthly column for my school newspaper. If you're a die-hard reader, this isn't news to you--I critiqued one of my old columns a few months back. If you are a new reader, it might surprise you to learn that I actually have experience with this whole "writing" thing. I assure you I do, way more than you know.

March Madness has always been a passion of mine. Again, this shouldn't need explaining. I've scheduled out six posts in three days because of it, if you look above. Normal weeks consist of one posting, maybe. Am I throwing down the gauntlet this week? You betcha.

Back to me, three years ago. For my March column, I chose to act as the Dr. Phil of Bracketology, dispensing life advice on how to fill in yours, year after year. Three years later, some things hold up and some need tweaking. So we'll roll out Version 2.0.

Ladies and gentlemen, the wait is over. March Madness is upon us. In all honesty, the NCAA Basketball Tournament is the single most exciting sporting event one can see. The Super Bowl? Please—it’s usually all hype and a disappointing game. World Cup? They only play one game at a time—and on top of that, it’s only every four years! There is one thing that brings sadness to most people in the month of March, though. No, I’m not talking about the inevitable Alfonso Soriano ACL tear—that only brings sadness to Cubs fans. I’m talking about the annual NCAA Tournament pool. Every year, 90 percent of Americans get their brackets absolutely shredded. If you are reading this, you are probably one of them. And so I would like to offer you, the reader, this handy guide to filling out your brackets. (As always, this guide is for entertainment purposes only. If you follow these tips and lose money, it’s your fault—not mine. Way to screw it up, buddy.)

1. In it to win it
Pools are usually designed with the winner getting a staggering majority of the prize money. Or, you know, they would be if gambling were legal. The difference between first and second place in a NCAA pool is usually very disproportionate. And yet every year, I see dozens of people picking all favorites (these people also tend to drive five below the speed limit, will never enter the crosswalk if there is a chance they will have to run to beat the car, and always stand on 16 when playing blackjack). Don’t be afraid to take a chance. Just remember Ricky Bobby’s mantra: If you’re not first, you’re last. Follow this rule to a point but, as always, don’t be stupid. A #1 seed has never lost to a #16 seed. Don’t pencil the 16 into the Elite Eight just because you like their mascot. You’re smarter than that--at least, you should be.

2. Look for a team that does one thing, and does it well
These are the guys that go further than expected, because it’s hard to beat someone when they make you play their game. Whether it is shooting the three-ball (Kansas, 2008), dominating inside (Ohio State, 2007), outlasting the rest of the mediocre field (Florida, 2006), or a team that is head and shoulders above the rest of the field (North Carolina, 2005 or Florida, 2007—the former sent six players to the next year’s draft lottery; the latter returned 5 starters from a national champion), the team that wins it is the team that has its signature, and can play their game better than anyone else out there. So when you see that Kansas is in the top 5 in the nation for three-point shooting percentage, or that Wisconsin combines the best turnover rate in the nation with a top-15 free-throw percentage, you should sit up and take note.

3. Pick your upsets wisely
You need to look deeper than the seeds for this one. Three years ago, I stressed the importance of defense and three-point shooting. Momentum is key in the tournament, and the teams who can catch fire from downtown and force turnovers can steal momentum and, ultimately, the game. Clearly, these are still very important, but there are a few other things to look for that didn’t make it into Version 1.0.

-A definitive Alpha Dog. If the game comes down to one shot, it has to be crystal clear whose job it is to carry the team. Think TJ Sorrentine for Vermont five years ago burying a Fuck-You-Three from the parking lot.
-Age and experience. Teams with a glut of seniors are a plus, as are teams with players who have tournament experience. By the way, Siena has won a tournament game two years in a row now, and they are lurking as a 13-seed in the weak South region. Just sayin’.

Picking every 12-seed just on the basis of being a 12-seed isn’t a smart strategy. Conversely, picking every favorite to win is no fun, and not going to win you anything. Find the matchups you can exploit, and for chrissakes exploit them!

4. Ignore the majority
My secret solution for picking the games that I have no idea how to pick. All you do is look at who the majority likes better, and go the other way. There is a reason that sports bookies drive brand-new Maseratis with platinum rims, and it is not because the general public knows anything about picking sporting events. As George Carlin once said, “Think about how stupid the Average American is. Well, HALF of ‘em are stupider than THAT!” So when you see that over 50% of Yahoo users have a Kansas-Kentucky championship game… well, you get the picture. And, as a last resort, if the general public seems too split for you to be confident, simply ask the worst gambler you know who they are taking, and go the other way. Works every time.

5. Help for Homers (and I don’t mean Simpson)
Realize this: a school from your state will largely be picked to go a hell of a lot further than they will elsewhere around the country. Regardless of what you think of any of them as a team, see Rule #1—if everyone else picks the same champion as you, fifth place and “Thanks for trying, but no money for you” is your destiny. Fight the temptation to ride the home team further than you should—I always ask myself when picking games involving Wisconsin, Marquette, or UWM: if my life depended on this pick, would I still make it this way? If I hesitate, that means it’s time to side with the bad guys.

Conversely, you need to do the same thing when you get an urge to pick against a team you absolutely hate. Remember: the goal is to win, not to be as self-righteous as possible. But, by all means, feel free to throw a party when Duke eventually loses. Isn’t that the best part of March?

And remember, above all: Gambling is a serious problem. Many people have lost it all, even on a so-called “sure thing.” Be responsible this March, and don’t do anything Jesus wouldn’t do. There, I said it. Now put the gun away and step away from my girlfriend, officer.