SON OF SAM (BOWIE)

NIKOLA PEKOVIC IS NON FROM SUPERMAN 2

2012-02-09T19:40:00.001-08:00

THIS PAGE HAS MOVED! CLICK HERE TO FIND IT IN IT'S NEW HOME.

PLAYING FAVORITES, FOUR WEEKS INTO THE NBA SEASON

2012-01-19T14:35:00.000-08:00

Look, it's too early in the year to make any grand proclamations or whatever, but it's certainly not too soon to point out what has caught our attention. There's never a shortage of things to talk about when it comes to basketball, even if some of them are rather peculiar.

On that note, let's play a little "favorites"...

FAVORITE PLAYER NAME: CARLDELL "SQUEAKY" JOHNSON

True story: I was prepared to hand this award to Johnson even when I had mis-read his name as "Caldwell" Johnson, just because it brought back found memories of Caldwell Jones, that rebounding machine from way back. That's what the NBA is missing these days, guys named Caldwell and Otis and Haywoode and stuff.

Then I took a second look and realized it was my main man Carldell Johnson, one of the heroes of UAB's 2004 sweet 16 NCAA run, and I got all happy and shit. Seriously, what's not to love about a 5'9 point guard who goes by the name Squeaky, finally made the NBA as a 28 year old rookie and is an absolute dead ringer for Lil' Wayne?

FAVORITE GHASTLY EARLY SEASON SHOOTING PERCENTAGE: COREY MAGGETTE

Hey, it's common knowledge in NBA circles that when players whose dominant skill is their athleticism lose it, they lose it in a hurry. Well Maggette is a 46% career shooter, but he's also 32 years old now, which is right around the time most wing players are shot.

That would go a long way toward explaining why a career 16 point scorer is down to 12 a game this year. Trying to find a reasonable explanation for his thirty percent accuracy, well, that's a different story.

I'll tell you one thing for sure: Don't think for a second that he'll stop shooting anytime soon.

FAVORITE INFLATED EARLY SEASON RECORD THAT WILL COME CRASHING BACK TO EARTH ANYTIME NOW: UTAH

I mean it has to, right? Certainly, we know all about Utah's inherent home court advantage (off to a 7-1 start), and we're pretty certain the bulk of these wins have come against teams that failed to take them seriously. Also, I believe the list of teams that Al Jefferson has led to winning records in his seven year career currently stands at, um, zero. Nice little start and all, but I'd still be shocked to see this team win more games than it loses when all is said and done.

Runner up goes to Philadelphia and their 10-4 start that includes 9 wins against teams with a combined record of 41-99 (that's 29%, folks) and a #1 ranking in John Hollinger's goofy computer. Once the Sixers start playing good basketball teams, I'd expect them to level off just a bit.

Hey, the Sixers a good little team, but they shouldn't be ranked #1 in anything. Not just yet, anyway.

FAVORITE OVERWEIGHT POINT GUARD WHO IS SOMEHOW SUCCEEDING AT RUNNING AN UP-TEMPO TEAM: RAYMOND FELTON

Great picture. I found it by googling "Raymond Felton" is fat. Also found a website called raymondfeltonisafatbastard.com. In a season where a surprising amount of heavy dudes dropped a ton of weight during the lockout, from Kendrick Perkins to Kevin Love to Eddy Curry and beyond, brother Ray decided to go the other way and finish what he appeared to start last year in New York. I don't know where ESPN got 6'1, 198 LBS from, but I'm guessing it dates back to his days at North Carolina.

Thing is, Portland was thriving at the start of the season with this roly-poly directing their breakneck offense. Of course they've trailed off a bit in the last week, thanks is part to Felton's 34% shooting, but something tells me he's gotta drop the wait sooner or later if they keep playing at such a sped-up tempo.

I mean he just has to, right?

FAVORITE THING TO GET IRRATIONALLY MAD ABOUT: KEVIN LOVE

Sometimes these things just have a way of coming full circle. Four years ago I remember telling everyone that Love would be a great pro. Fat as he was, unathletic though he might be, he was a ballplayer, period. Great shooter, great rebounder, phenomenal outlet passer. And not that it is a practical skill or anything, but how many guys do you know that can fire a chest pass into the basket from 94 feet?

Sure, he struggled a bit in the first year or two, but it was mostly weight-related. Statistically though, his per-minute numbers were off the charts.

Now in his 4th season, Love appears to have gotten serious, or at least serious enough to drop a ton of weight and you know, actually get in great shape. Of course, he'll be a Free-Agent in a year and half, so if ever there was a time to take this Basketball thing seriously, now is it.

You know that phenomenon by which a perennially underrated guy suddenly becomes overrated? Well, that's what we've got with Love, a decent little player putting up gaudy numbers for a team going nowhere yet somehow getting a mountain of love from everyone.

Hell, Charles Barkley had the nerve to call him the best Power Forward in the game. I mean, that's crazy talk.

What it Love, really? Well, he's a solid NBA starting Power Forward, the kind of guy who would make the ideal third banana on a championship contender. Listen, 25 points and 15 rebounds a game is a nice trick, but a power forward shooting 43% and turning the ball over is not a good thing any way you slice it. and definitely not "best player on a good team"

material.

Still, someone is gonna overpay this guy and torpedo their future as a result. Hell, teams are already lining up for the honor.

Don't say you weren't warned, people.

Back with more in a bit...

-John Hathwell

THE LAKERS' POINT GUARD SITUATION HAS OFFICIALLY REACHED DEFCON 5

2012-01-17T17:19:00.000-08:00

Trust me, I did some thorough research here. What, you think I'd make some kind of crazy statement without doing my homework? Went through the teams one by one and tried like hell to make a case for anyone else. Not only did I fail, it wasn't even close.

Look, the numbers tell the story in black and white, but that's only half of the equation. 15 games in, Steve Blake and Derek Fisher have combined to shoot about 38% and are averaging barely 12 points and 7 assists between them, which is rock-bottom for NBA point guard tandems. Hell, the elite PG's get that in a half.

Defensively, it's more dire than you can fathom. To put it kindly, both of these guys would have a hard time staying in front of a fire hydrant, which compromises the defensive against even the worst teams. As impressive as Mike Brown's defense has looked thus far, trust me, it's in spite of this fact.

Oh, almost forgot about Steve Blake's rib injury. You know, the one that's supposed to sideline him for a month.

Needless to say, we've reached the "so sad it's funny" stage for a team that is supposed to be contending for championships. Hey, the owners' son (you know, the guy who is running this team) still thinks so, or at least that's what he's telling the writers.

I mean, I watched the Derek Fisher hit one more heroic shot last night and I thought to myself, "wow, what a fitting way to ride off into the sunset. Tomorrow he should announce his retirement and give his job to someone who can still play at this level".

Sadly, this isn't even close to reality. Reality is, Fisher will be here all year, and the Lakers won't be making a move to improve this situation, at least not this year.

Surely, we can all find the bright side of this picture, right? For example, if you are into absurdist humor you'd probably enjoy watching rookie Darius Morris (and his 1990 Special Ed haircut) get thrown into the deep waters against guys like Chris Paul and try not to have a nervous breakdown. Watching him take a beating, then hit a 60 foot heave at the halftime buzzer and walk away like "yeah, that's right, I'm bad" was easily the best thing I've seen from this Laker team that didn't involve Kobe Bryant.

Any way you cut it, it's a bad scene. With nothing to trade except a 9 million dollar exception that they are saving for a hypothetical Dwight deal, they are likely stuck with this sad bunch, and if you think it's bad now, you just wait and see what it looks like come playoff time.

Until then, I'll try and find the perverse comedy in watching a 90 million dollar team being run by a 37 year old and two in-over-their-head rookies.

Good times, indeed.

-John Hathwell

Like the Sons on Facebook here.

IF YOU'RE GONNA DIE, DIE WITH YOUR BOOTS ON IF YOU'RE GONNA DIE (THE LAKERS LACK OF A PLAN HAS THEM GRASPING AT STRAWS)

2011-12-11T12:36:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, when you're stuck for answers, you have to look to 1980's Heavy metal for the wisdom you seek. Iron Maiden said it way back then, and it's as true now as it ever was.

You gotta die with your boots on.

I mean, even if we all knew the Lakers were gonna be in the market for dramatic changes and had enough weapons to make it happen, certainly nobody was prepared for what has happened so far. You'd have to be part fortune teller, part CSI whiz to have seen any of this coming.

Plan A was Chris Paul, and that plan is officially dead now. As brave and dramatic a move as it was, it wasn't exactly the most practical. As tempting as a Kobe-Paul backcourt was (possibly the greatest ever?), the Lakers would have gone from the deepest frontcourt in the league to having to really on Andrew Bynum being healthy all season.

Yikes.

Left with little in the way of money or assets to improve the depth up front, the Lakers would have had to resort to pulling a power forward off the scrap heap and crossing their fingers. To me, that plan was simply lacking in realism. Why break up a nucleus that has won two championships without any kind of real plan in place? I mean, if you thought Andrew Bynum was enough to fetch Dwight Howard, you're either crazy, stupid or both.

(Yeah, I just called Jimmy Buss crazy. Remind me to gloat later when we find out for sure.)

Sure, nobody could have planned for the omnipotent David Stern and his hammer of fairplay justice, but that's certainly no reason to panic. Trading Lamar Odom to Dallas for nothing but a trade exception sure feels like panic to me, but we won't know for sure until we find out what the next move is.

Now, I would attempt to venture a guess, but since I can't even pretend to understand the Lakers' thought process here, I'm gonna settle for what makes sense to me.

I'm thinking the only way out of this mess is to make the strongest play possible for Dwight Howard, and luckily for the Lakers, they have the most to offer. Only a few teams are in position to offer enough talent and take back Hedo Turkoglu's anchor of a contract, and they happen to be one of them. Throwing Pau Gasol AND Andrew Bynum (it hurts, I know) at Orlando is the only way to go at this point. It's an offer they simply cannot refuse. Nobody but nobody can match this offer. Oh, and a quick check of the math tells me that Bynum and Gasol for Howard, Turkoglu and point guard Jameer Nelson would work under the salary cap. Yeah, it's a huge, messy, risky deal. It also makes perfect sense when you think about it.

Well then, what are we waiting for?

Do it now and don't look back. This move not only brings the young superstar the Lakers covet for their eventual rebuilding project, but solves the short-term problem of being totally inept at the point guard spot. Nelson has been known to get hurt now and again, but he's still 29, still a gamer, and still a good friend of Howard's. All that would be left to do is go out and seek a reliable big man with the 9 million dollar trade exception acquired in the Lamar trade and you're ready to roll, for both now and the foreseeable future. If Orlando won't part with Nelson for some reason, switch it around to include a couple of big bodies (Big Baby and Ryan Anderson works for me) or JJ Redick and you can still pick up what you need with the trade exception. Problem solved.

Maybe this is their plan, maybe it isn't. One can only hope. Whatever they do, they have to be swift and decisive, lest they start the season with this fractured, beleaguered roster. The Lakers are in a real jam here, having gone halfway out on the ledge only to have to window slam shut and lock behind them.

As the old saying goes, If you're gonna pull it out, you've gotta use it. Well, the Lakers have already drawn their guns. Time to go all the way with it and hope for the best.

Either way, it's too late to turn back now.

-John Hathwell

-------------------------------------

Iron Maiden has all the answers you seek. Well, today at least...

PANDERING SHAQ RELEASES GREATEST HITS ALBUM (OR JUST A BOOK FULL O' NONSENSE)

2011-10-31T13:47:00.000-07:00

As if this guy hasn't done enough damage to his credibility this summer...

Suffice to say I haven't read the book yet, but I think I'm qualified to take an educated guess at what happens within it's pages. Something tells me Shaq will place the majority of blame for everything that ever went wrong during his time with all 6 NBA teams he played for on everyone else's shoulders, from Kobe to Steve Nash to Maurice Williams to the Miami Heat medical staff to the goddamned Phoenix Gorilla.

Yeah, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out, especially since he's already said all this stuff before, (as detailed here). Thing is, you can always count on this guy to do two things: A) Whatever it takes to keep himself in the public consciousness B) Badmouth people after the fact.

All we've seen so far is an excerpt or two floating around and boy, I hope they are taken out of context. I mean, the one published by Deadspin today presents the Kobe/Shaq saga as having started over Kobe's assault case and the drama surrounding it, with Shaq specifically citing Kobe's interview with Jim Gray as the thing that set him off. While he's at it, the Big stinkin' revisionist phony is basically blaming Kobe for the dissolution of the Lakers' should-have-been dynasty. Not demands for a new contract (and publicly showing up Jerry Buss in the process), or the team's lack of chemistry, or Buss' reluctance to continue paying Phil Jackson's salary or any of the dozen other contributing factors. Certainly, it couldn't have possibly had anything to do with the simple notion that Shaq's years and years of publicly and privately burying Kobe to anyone would listen forced management to chose between a 31 year old center with a history of nagging injuries and a tendency to let his weight get away from him, and a marketable 25 year old superstar with an unparalleled work ethic and an unquenchable thirst to be the best player on the planet. Nope, in the end it all has to be that dirty, wart-infested, ball-hoggin' Kobe's fault.

C'mon now.

Look, Laker fans already lived through this nonsense 8 years ago when Shaq lost the power play and whined and cried his way out of town. All these years of Shaq's petty comments and negative sentiment toward Kobe was annoying to be sure, but most of us who lived through it knew better. Watching the dude burn bridge after bridge and be exposed as a liar and possibly worse is only further proof about the essential nature of the man. Watching him do an about-face in recent years and go so far to suggest Kobe was the greatest and that a reunion between the two could work was downright embarrassing and tough to stomach, but still somewhat predictable considering the source. Yes, he's probably the funniest, most entertaining player of his generation, and yes, his need to be loved, adored and constantly in the spotlight is likely born of some deep-seated insecurity. Whatever the cause, it's transparent, tiresome and severely annoying, and by god I had hoped it would stop when he finally got around to retiring.

Hey, it's all pretty simple to me, and I can honestly take the good Shaq with the bad. Good for him if he wants to remain popular and well thought of. There's plenty of worse ways to be in this world. Just don't be a bullshitter and expect the smarter among us to swallow it.

John Hathwell

-----------------------------------------

Hey, it's not all bad. There really have been few players who were as utterly silly and fun as O'Neal was. He liked to perform, and he was damn good at it. This is one of my favorites, taken from the 2002 Laker Championship DVD. Shaq and the rest of the guys were offended at Vlade Divac's assertion that the Lakers couldn't beat the Sacramento Kings without homecourt advantage. He wrote a song about it and everything.

MONTA ELLIS IS THE PROVERBIAL TALL TREE

2011-05-24T14:03:00.000-07:00

Worth noting that Monta Ellis is my favorite player in the NBA right now. No, I'm not kidding. The guy happens to be the most dynamic offensive player in the game today, a veritable whirling dervish of offensive majesty and whatnot. Watching him teeter on the thin line between offensive genius and out of control, ball chucking maniac is a thrill I recommend to anyone, friend or foe. I mean, My knees buckle at the thought of him being traded to the Knicks, if only so I could be treated to the sound of Clyde Frazier yell "spinning and winning!" on a nightly basis.

So yeah, I know what the statties say about Ellis, and they aren't wrong, even though he did make an improvement last year. I'm just saying I love watching him play, similar to the way I loved listening to Mike Tyson post-fight interviews back in the day. You were almost always certain to be entertained, terrified or both. When the guy goes off, he goes off.

And now, in the final act needed to confirm his greatness, Ellis has joined the elite ranks of the bizarre tattooed NBA players alongside such luminaries as The Birdman, Mike Miller and Gilbert Arenas and his pretty Tiger.

It's a tree.

I love it without even needing to know what it represents, because I love Monta, and love means never having to explain your wacky tattoos to anybody.

Pretty sure that's what they say, anyhow.

CHOCOLATE THUNDER IN HIS BIG ASS KEY LIME PIE OF A SUIT (AND HE'S STANDING NEXT TO A KOOPA TROOPA!)

2011-02-22T15:59:00.000-08:00

Oh my bad, that's Robert Horry having a severe "little head on big body" moment. He must have tried to cut to the front of the line or something.

Thankfully Darryl Dawkins was there to deflect the attention, wearing a suit that looks like it must have been made for Gheorge Muresan's pimpin' ass twin brother.

And you thought it was impossible to make a suit too big for a 7 foot man.

WACKY WES AND HIS MENGKE BATEER MEMORIAL TRAVELING BIZARRO ALL-STAR TEAM

2011-02-09T17:42:00.000-08:00

(Editor's note: Title is my doing. God bless the guy, but Mengke Bateer was probably the worst NBA player I can ever remember seeing with my own two eyes. And his nickname was "The Dinosaur". I shit you not)

Sick of hearing people arguing about the All-star selections, with all the "he got robbed" yapping and whatnot?

Well here's the antidote: We've put together a list of the people who did the most to not deserve the honor. Sort of an Un-All-Star team, if you will.

have a peep...

1) SEAN MARKS, Portland (1.5 PPG, 1.4 RPG, .2 BPG)

Pictured above in a Hornets uniform, the journeyman power forward joined the Blazers this year and has proved to be a valued addition. The stats are consistent across the board, and Marks has made his presence felt in all 28 games that he has been allowed to play in this year. He's had some big ones, including a breakout, 24-minute, 6-point showing against Milwaukee in December. Surprisingly, he was overlooked not only as a reserve, but by the fans. You'd figure that the only New Zealander in the league would get every one of his fellow countryman's votes (ala Yao Ming), but apparently, they had other ideas. A shame.

2) OMER ASIK, Chicago (2.7 PPG, 3.2 RPG, .4 APG)

Carlos Boozer? Hurt. Joakim Noah? Hurt. Omer Asik? Rock solid. "O-Yeah" has been the guy to really open things up so Derrick Rose can shine. And, even with Rose off the court, Asik has proved that he can carry the load. The Bulls relied on him for extended periods of time in a battle with Dallas on January 20th, and Asik responded accordingly. A lot of comments I saw regarding that performance were along the lines of "... might be the worst player I've ever seen," but I thought he showed heart and an "unconventional" approach to the game of basketball... seemingly flailing about as if he'd never played the game before (lulling the Mavericks to sleep, in the process). Provided below is a short but appropriate example of his grace and tenacity, against the NBA's reigning champions:

3) POPS MENSAH-BONSU, n/a (.3 PPG, 1.6 RPG, 0 BPG)

Pops has only played in 7 games this year, but he's already on the cusp of establishing himself as a household name throughout the world. Highlighted by an almost-unheard-of 1 minute, 3-foul performance against the Clippers in November, PMB is showing why England is notorious for its seemingly-endless supply of skilled ballers. He also has earned various nicknames, such as:

- "King Whale Killer"
- "Big Daddy"
- "The King of Garbage Time"

I didn't make any of those up.

Pops was the MVP of the D-League All-Star game in 2007, so he's no stranger to the scene. The Hornets released him in January.

4) MAREESE SPEIGHTS, Philadelphia (5.6 PPG, 3.7 RPG, .2 BPG)

Speights fucking dropped 23 on the Raptors this year and should get in for this god damned shot attempt alone:

5) ANTAWN JAMISON, Hell (17.2 PPG, 6.6 RPG, hasn't killed himself yet)

This is an example of why you should never utter the phrase "it probably can't get much worse." It can always get worse. Jamison was on the Wizards last year and got traded to a Cavs team that had Lebron. Instead of a ring, he now stands as the top gun on what is one of the worst team in NBA history. He needs some credit for his ability to remain somewhat positive in situations like these. Also, as previously referenced on this blog, he was dunked on by Vlad Radmanovic:

I want to give him a hug (Jamison, not Vlad-Rad, for Christ's sake).

6) FLIP SAUNDERS, Washington (coach of the brainless)

I like a guy who gets it. Flip got it. Flip got it about a week into the season, when he stopped a Wizards practice and walked the hell out. He knew that this season was going to be a difficult one and, indeed, it has been. A 13-37 record and a group of complete idiots (for the most part) should cause him to stop the season and walk out on that, too, but he's hung in there. The form you take in the storm is what you makes you strong and, in DC, you're in the middle of a hurricane. Way to go, Flip. In my opinion, they have about 13 wins more than anybody should expect.

-Wes Lilliman is the chairman of the Hedo Turkoglu fanclub and

collects technical fouls in his spare time

PARTY...NOTHING BUT A WACKY RANDOM PHOTO PARTY (STARRING KG, THE MORRIS TWINS AND WHAT'S LEFT OF MATT HOWARD'S FACE)

2011-02-08T12:52:00.000-08:00

Needless to say it's been a pretty good year for pictures. I figured it was a good idea to post some of my favorite from time to time.

KG'S ASCENSION TO LEAGUE'S MOST HATED PLAYER IS COMPLETE

Not that it was ever in doubt, since Ron Artest is everyone's favorite wacko these days and Delonte West appears to have upped his meds or whatever.

Initially I was hesitant to view this picture as vaguely homo-erotic, if only because Kevin Garnett looks way too angry to kiss anyone.

Then I remembered what happened right before this picture was taken:

So to recap, the 2010-2011 season has featured KG taunting the madison Square garden crowd, refusing an autograph to a ballboy in the most ridiculous manner imaginable, telling a guy with alopecia that he looks like a cancer patient, and now, socking a dude in the nuts and then getting all tough when the guy takes umbrage.

Hey, I respect the hell out of the guy as a player, but really, is there anyone outside of Boston who doesn't think this guy is starting to venture past the pint of "intense competitor" and more into the realm "of danger to himself and others"?

MATT HOWARD IS BLEEDING LIKE THE (PROVERBIALLY) STUCK PIG

Matt Howard is a tough mother. This is something we've thought since the day he stepped on the court for Butler as a under-sized freshman Center three years ago, and can now confirm after watching him get busted open like Dusty Rhodes when the Road Warriors stabbed him in the eye with a metal spike.

The look on Howard's face says "fuck, I've gotta come out of the game now" as opposed to ouch, or something similar, and really, you gotta love that.

MORRIS BROS LOOKING AT THE MAN IN THE MIRROR

Maybe it's because I'm a twin myself, or maybe it's all the Bizarro world scenarios I have flashing through my head right now, but I just love this picture of Marcus and Markieff Morris doin' the old "are you thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?" bit.

I mean, even their shitty tattoos are practically identical.

CLYDE FRAZIER HAS MOTHERFUCKING SNAKE HEADS ON HIS MOTHERFUCKING FEET

I mean, really, what the hell can I say that the picture doesn't say for itself?

You can reach John hathwell @ sonsofsambowie@yahoo.com

CHRIS QUINN IS RIDICULOUS

2011-01-24T12:23:00.000-08:00

Somebody made the effort to compose a CHRIS QUINN MIX:

Don't watch the video. Just know that somebody took the time to put it together. I'd guess it was done by a relative or somebody who lost a bet, but there are enough maniacs out there for me to actually believe that there are MULTIPLE Quinn fans that walk amongst us.

I only bring this up because Quinn is now with the San Antonio Spurs. It's the perfect fit, really. I hate the Spurs, and I hate people who make it a point to look ridiculous:

I'm not here to talk about people's looks or deformities. I don't care. What I care about are people who are involved in things like this:

OR THIS:

I'm done.

CARMELO ANTHONY HAS REQUESTED THAT YOU LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE

2011-01-18T10:48:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I'm doing it for him.

Seriously though, can we stop talking about this story until, you know, something actually happens?

I'm begging you fuckers. For the love of Jeebus, cut this shit out already.

How great is that picture, by the way? I had to stare at it for a minute. Had all my DJ Quik jokes ready to go and everything.

(JH)

UPDATE! THE MYSTERY OF MIKE MILLER'S TATTOO HATH BEEN UNLOCKED!

2011-01-17T15:39:00.000-08:00

This page has moved. You can find it in it's new home, here.

RAFAEL ARRAUJO ACHIEVES DUBIOUS CAREER HIGHLIGHT

2011-01-14T11:40:00.000-08:00

THIS PAGE HAS MOVED, BUT YOU CAN FIND IT HERE.

BENCHWARMERS ARE PEOPLE, TOO

2010-11-05T11:39:00.001-07:00

The NBA, like any other entertainment entity, is a star driven business. Stars put butts in seats, make the big money, and (hopefully) win games.

But the thing is, every team has to carry 12 players, and not every guy, no matter how good he was in High school or College, is gonna be that guy.

But on every team somebody has to be that other guy.

The 12th man.

Resigned to a life of obscurity, this dude draws an NBA paycheck to wave a towel, collect splinters and look intimidating in Airports. Think of them as the best of the worst. Sure, they were NBA players, but just barely.

Today is the day we page homage to those guys.

Here our some of our favorites...

PETE CHILCUTT

I mean, how much can be said about a dude who's Basketball card features him get his shit swatted?

Plenty, actually.

Chilcutt, (or simply "the cut", as my brother and I nicknamed him in our NBA LIVE battles of yesteryear)was the quintessential one-skill player (no, not riding the pine) that you loved to grab in the 13th round when you were drafting teams in Live, and he was my honky-3-point-shooter of choice for many years.

The Cut managed to last 9 seasons and play for 7 different teams in his NBA tenure, and even averaged SIX POINTS PER GAME in his second season, but the undisputed highlight of his career came in his last season, playing for the Clips, for that was the night when Chilcutt managed to get hot in garbage time of a blow-out. So hot in fact that Clips announcer Bill Walton informed the tens of people who were still watching that he had received a fax from the league office saying that Chilcutt would officially be replacing Jerry West as the NBA logo.

I swear this really happened.

Sadly, I'll never find video of this (I found ZERO video's related to the Cut's NBA career), but I'm sure there are AT LEAST 8 people in the world beside me who remember it.

MATEEN CLEAVES

Aw man, what happened to you, dude?

I mean, you were a McDonald's all-american in high school,

the unquestioned leader (and accomplished crybaby) of the 2000 NCAA Champions, and a Lottery pick of your hometown Detroit Pistons. You had everything.

Well, except a jumpshot.

Next thing you know, you're sitting on the very end of the bench for the Sacramneto Kings, playing head cheerleader during the Queens' epic 7 game battle with L.A. in the 2002 Western Conference Finals.

To be fair, this was the shining moment of Mateen's NBA career, as he waved his towel with great fervor, and even had the gall to give inspirational "we've come too far!" speeches to the rest of his clearly tuned-out teammates.

Alas, one of my favorite Basketball memories ever is a long camera shot in the waning moments of game 7: Cleaves, face in hands and headband askew, sitting on the bench wondering where it all went wrong.

And now, thru the miracle of Youtube, I present Mateen Cleaves and his FACE OF UTTER DESPAIR (at the 5:04 mark):

MARK MADSEN

Mark Madsen. Laying on a bench.

Beautiful.

SeriousIy though, I love the Mad Dog. Pretty sure everyone does, although that wasn't the case in his college years when people hated him much the same way they hated Tyler Hansborough. Madsen was the same type of hyper-bordering-on-crazy always active Power Forward at Stanford.

Of course, scoring on 6'7 art history majors is a whole different deal than doing so against the pro's, and as a result the Mad Dog has spent the majority of his career wearing warm-ups.

No worries though, beacuse (channeling Hubie Brown) when you talk about Mark madsen, you're talking about a fist pumping, towel-waving, practice player supreme who knows his role and plays it to perfection.

Still not convinced this guy is everything you could ever want in a Benchawarmer? Stand-by...

Trust me, not too many guys with career averages of two points and 3 rebounds last in the NBA unless they are the fun-loving, goofy dancing, give a speech in spanish at your Championsip parade types.

That's a fact.

STEVE SCHEFFLER

Ask anybody who was a Seattle Supersonics fan in the 1990s. You had Kemp, Payton… and THE CHEF (not to be confused with the Chief). This man had his name chanted on an almost nightly basis at the Key Arena. Why? Because the Sonics were winning a ton of games in a big way, and when it really got out of reach, that meant one thing and one thing only: SCHEFFLER was coming in to TEAR IT UP.

And tear it up he did. With a career average of 1.9 points per game and a touch over a 1 rebound on a typical basis, Scheffler exploded into games with a Sasquatch-esque grace. A former Purdue Boilermaker, he might have been better suited in a Seahawks uniform, as he still holds several of the weightlifting records amongst the university’s basketball players. Just 6’10”, 250 lbs. of a low-post, car crash waiting to happen… and everybody loved it.

Wanna get crazy? Consider that Scheffler is the ALL-TIME NCAA BASKETBALL FIELD GOAL PERCENTAGE LEADER (68.5% over four years)!! Let’s just say that he wasn’t quite as effective at the next level.

DWAYNE SCHINTZIUS

I won’t lie: this one is all about the hair for me.

No, seriously… I loved watching Schintzius do his thing. I’d never seen anything like it. Every time I had the pleasure of seeing him, he’d do something to make me laugh. Apparently, I wasn’t alone, because some stellar individual put together this PHENOMENAL video package:

His NBA career was nothing of note, but he did achieve WORLDWIDE ACCLAIM, starring as Ivan Radovadovitch in the 1996 film, “Eddie” (Ivan take charge!). He also testified in Jayson Williams’ trial, relaying the fact that he saw Williams blow away his dog with a shotgun. Hell, the guy NEARLY DIED during a bout with leukemia, but he is now cancer-free.

Clearly, Schintzius has had quite the life, but I’ll always remember him best for his innate inability on the court. And his hair.

GANGSTER ASS NICK VAN EXEL IS A COACH NOW

2010-10-04T18:25:00.000-07:00

It looks as if Nick The Quick has been hired by the Atlanta Hawks to "bring out the dog" (his own words) in some of the Hawks more timid players, notably recent 1st round draft pick Jeff Teague. If you're familiar with his playing career, there aren't too many people who would have seemed more unlikely to end up a coach than Nick. Just ask Del Harris, who did not have the smoothest experience coaching Nick in LA.

Of course, the fact that Van Exel was taken with the 37th pick in the 1993 draft was attributed to the fact that he was considered a risk on the behavioral side, as his on-court talents were never in dispute. By the time he retired some 13 years and 12,000+ points later, it could be said that both points had been proven true.

So, for the benefit of those not familiar with the cold-blooded lefty and his numerous deeds of yesteryear, I present a brief (but colorful) history lesson:

LESSON 1: NICK VAN EXEL WAS NOT ABOVE SHOVING A REFEREE TO GET HIS POINT ACROSS

Short version is, Referee Ron Garretson made a call on Nick. Nick didn't like said call, so he got up and hit dude with a forearm shiver, knocking him onto the scorers table. End result: 7 game suspension, $25,000 fine, and a seed planted in the mind of Magic Johnson, who himself would be busted for physical contact with a ref just a short time later.

Best part was, Van Exel issued and apology to EVERYONE BUT Garretson, and also opined that "this stuff wouldn't be happening if I was white".

LESSON 2: NICK VAN EXEL WILL KICK YOUR ASS

According to this 1996 Sports Illustrated piece, written in the aftermath of the Garretson incident, Van Exel was in a group of people that beat down a fellow Junior College teammate. Seems Nick kicked the guy in the face while he was already unconscious, and later explained his actions thusly, "When you're fighting, it's not like I'm going to feel sorry for you," says Van Exel. "When you're fighting, you're fighting."

Words to live by, indeed.

LESSON 3: NICK VAN EXEL KNOWS THE IMPORTANCE OF A GOOD VACATION

So, the Lakers were one game from being swept out of the 1998 Western Conference Finals by those dastardly Utah Jazz. At the end of practice on the eve of the final game, the team was wrapping up pactice with the old "1-2-3...Lakers!" routine. Except Nick said something else. Something like, "1-2-3...Cancun!". OK, he said exactly that. Well, Shaquille O'neal didn't find the humor in it, and months later, Van Exel was shipped to Denver for spare parts.

I'm sure he enjoyed Mexico, though.

LESSON 4: NICK VAN EXEL HAD ICE WATER IN HIS VEINS

Laker broadcaster Stu Lantz used to have specfic term for the nights when Nick was feeling it: "he's got that little hop in his step tonight"

Well, when he had that hop, you best look out. Dude was capable of putting 40 on you or just making you look foolish, and had a rep as one of the greatest clutch performers of his time. Here's a link to a nice tribute done by the folks at NBA fanhouse.

http://nba.fanhouse.com/2009/09/20/tip-off-timer-few-could-handle-pressure-like-nick-van-exel/

LESSON #5: NICK VAN EXEL STILL HAS FANS. CREEPY ONES

So, I stumbled on to this Van Exel fan site, the highlight of which was the
petition to get the 39 year old guard to the Miami Heat. This page has creepy airbrushed photos of Nick in a Heat jersey, along with a link to the "get Van Exel to Miami" Facebook group.

They even posted this cute lil' cartoon:

I love the internet.

And there you have it.

Oh, and for what it's worth, I'd be willing to bet a large some of money on the fact that Jeff Teague will be a better player for the experience, or at the very least he'll start making headlines one way or another.

Back shortly with more previews

TYRONE HILL WORE A SUIT FOR NBA MEDIA DAY

2010-10-01T10:09:00.000-07:00

And put a big ol' smile on his face.

Oh, and if that's not enough, look who else got his picture taken!

Pretty sure this is what fridays were made for...