I lost the thread or the idea. Lack of confidence closed my ears and stifled my voice. The moment of inspiration flitted away like a butterfly and there I sat glued to the ground with my empty net (or, in this case, my open mouth). It was a frustrating experience.

...

As we sang at Songtaneous this past Saturday, I realized that this fighting to find my melodies happens less and less. More and more often, I can sing what I hear. I don't think too hard about it. I have learned to open my mouth and trust my voice.

Perhaps because I am approaching a new decade, I have noticed that, more and more often, I can SAY what I mean, too.

No, not every time. *smile* But more and more often. I get clearer faster.

Through trusting my voice, I am learning to trust myself. By singing spontaneously, I am learning how to be more authentic, more courageous and to say, as well as sing, what I mean. ...

It seems like finding the skills and commitment to sing what I find in the music (and sometimes what I find is sad or mad or just plain weird *smile*) has strengthened some "authenticity muscle."

This is the "muscle" that helps me traverse the terrain of changing careers and find collaborators and projects that fit me. It also helps be more direct and more honest with myself and with others.

Most important, my music muscles are teaching me how to transition. Repeatedly, consistently, awkwardly or seamlessly, melodically or with disconnected dissonance, over and over again, the music shows me how to move from point A to B. And, I see again and again that even the imperfect transitions can be beautiful.

And, well ... perhaps I shouldn’t admit this, but ...

Grant-writing is kind of hard.

...

The first challenge, of course, is making the time to write a proposal. Even with all the writing I do (including right here *smile*), it always seems to take longer than I plan to draft and finish a proposal.

But, really the challenge of grantwriting for me is not in the writing; it’s in the thinking.

...

Thinking about what I want.

And what I don’t know yet and how to best manifest what I imagine. (Moving things out of my head and into the world.)

Making real phone calls to real people to discuss my project.

Saying things out loud and inviting feedback (and maybe even critics and critiques *wince*)

Not to mention, the reality (and responsibility!) of 24 hours in a day, 7 days in a week and 365 (or 366! *smile*) days in a year to use, or fritter away, however I choose.

As Marianne Williamson famously put it:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

...

Sitting down to plan your dreams (aka grant-writing) forces you to look that fear right in the eye.

And it’s ... hard. (Did I already say that? *smile*)

But, it’s also good for us.

It’s certainly good for our projects.

...

I’ve talked before about the power of writing things down. (That is one of the many gifts I have received from writing this blog. *smile*)

Outlining the steps of a project makes them real and lets you know where the sticky or tricky spots are. How it can work and the things that won’t.

Documenting a dream helps you see when you might be overreaching (possible) and where you are playing too small (more likely).

By writing it out, you figure out what you need to prioritize (or de-prioritize!) in order to make space for your project.

You get clearer.

(And, when I’m clearer, I’m more committed.)

...

More important, you get going.

By the time I finish a grant proposal, part of me feels like someone has created a highly customized instruction manual just for me.

All I have to do is follow it.

For me, scheduling during the first few months of a new year is like that children’s game with the tile pieces that slide in the plastic tray and only one square is open. (Slide this day of teaching here, to add this rehearsal in there. Shift this event here, to take that gig there ...)

Currently, I am working on scheduling a vocal improv workshop in Duluth. (It will be in March. *smile*) And while there’s been nothing all that difficult about it, something about moving an idea out of my head and into the world always takes more energy than I expect.

...

Scheduling always brings out our personalities.

Do you say “yes” to everything and then slash and burn later. (Making you feel flaky and overwhelmed.)

Do you ignore most requests so you don’t have to decide? (Making you feel wishy-washy or rude.)

Do you decide things about your schedule but fail to tell anyone? (Keeping you in control, but others in the dark)

How do you react when things “come up?” Are you flexible or rigid? Excited or irritated? Do you leave room in your schedule for things to change?

(How about just making sure there’s time in your schedule to rest and recharge?)

...

I have discovered that scheduling needs to be equal parts planning and improvisation. Yes, you have to pick a date, but you have to be willing to change it.

Allowing for two things to work in opposite directions (or toward opposite end results) simultaneously is what we call an antagonistic relationship. And while on the surface, this may seem crazy making, it is actually a way to find balance and control.

...

Take singing for example.

We use the antagonism of certain muscle groups to our benefit all the time when we sing. The muscles of the rib cage and the muscles of the abdomen work in opposition to better control and coordinate the release of the diaphragm, an ongoing tug of war takes place between the muscles that make the vocal folds longer and thinner and the muscles that make them shorter and thicker.

This opposition is natural and necessary.

When we train our voices, we work to build coordination between muscles that are designed to work in opposition. When we improvise, we balance our skills and knowledge against the unknown and our willingness to be surprised.

When we schedule, we need to fix dates in order for things to become real and then be willing to adjust those dates when real life enters the picture and necessitates changes.

When we let these opposite ideas act simultaneously, we can find our balance.

In the meantime, I figured a great place to start posting again would be to pick my keyword for the year. For those keeping score at home, this is keyword #4.

Why Keywords?

I call them keywords because a keyword is connected to other words and other ideas. When you search using a keyword, you get a range of results that are all connected to the keyword. When I pick my word for the year, I begin to notice occurrences and outcomes connected to my word.

I don’t think the keyword creates these outcomes; for me, keywords work kind of like my vision board. I work to be thoughtful and conscientious when I am picking my word, but after that ... I don’t really do anything with it. It is just there, running in the background, helping draw my attention and point me in the right directions.

Picking a Keyword

I usually “try on” a number of words before I find the right one for the year. It is like finding something on the rack in the store and then going to the dressing room to see if it fits.

Oh. That word’s too much. That one’s too small. That word would look better on someone else.

And, of course, sometimes I have to separate the word I want from the word I need.

The year after I graduated from music school, I really (REALLY) wanted to pick WEALTH as my word. But the more I thought about it, the more I could sense that the WEALTH was too much. (Not always -- to be clear, I am not asking wealth to stay way.)

But, picking wealth that year would have been a set up. I was in too much transition to create wealth. Plus, focusing on wealth would have caused me to forgo some of the exploring I needed to do in order to find my voice as an artist. I chose the DISCIPLINE as my keyword that year to help me build the routines and systems I would need to develop my music career.

My keyword for 2011 was EMBODY. I started the year on the other side of the world at a loss as to how to integrate what I was learning about vocal improvisation (and myself! *smile*) with “the rest” of my music career. I knew I needed to figure out how to bring improv into my performances (and my teaching!) in order to take my next steps.

I also had to get comfortable with the whole idea of being an artist. Believe you me, imagining and then bringing into being things no one else sees as your vocation takes some getting used to. (I also suspect it is a step on the path to wealth. *grin*)

...

My keyword for 2012 is CREATE.

A tiny part of me was a little disappointed that it wasn’t a flashier or more unique word, but (as my friend M says) when I know, I know. This coming year is a time to create things. I am not sure exactly what I will end up inventing -- performances, CDs, singing groups, teaching aids, etc. -- but it feels like the year for figuring it out.

Finding Your Own Keyword

Maybe you knew as soon as you started reading this post, what your keyword for 2012 would be. Maybe you still have no idea. (Maybe you think keywords, 2012 and me are all big dumby-heads. *smile*)

I tend to choose verbs for my keywords. (That’s just my personality: If I’m going to spend a year with a word, I guess I think it should do something. *grin*)

You can pick a noun, adjective, adverb, gerund ... whatever. YOU are the person who knows where you next need to walk and what word should keep you company.

If you are struggling to pick just one word, try thinking about which word you want to try next. Picking a single word lets you experience the focus a single concept can bring. If it ends up being wrong, (wrong, wrong!), I promise you can change it. (And, hey, if you need two words -- the keyword police aren’t going to show up at your door.)

One last idea.

If you just can’t find the right word, create one. (Hey, I invent words -- songtaneous, singingly -- all the time! *grin*)

My sister invented the word “attackle” last year. As in: “When I get home, I will attackle that.”

Maybe you want ATTACKLE 2012. Or IMPROVERATE it. Or GLIM-SHIMMER-SHINE in it.

It’s not the word really. It is the time spent cogitating on your word that creates traction for the new year.

...

To help get your wheels turning, I have included some ideas below.

clarity, unpack, glean, do, share, give, healing, explore, vibrant, nurture, flow, decide, commit, simplify, shine, balance, embody, expand, change, generosity, prosperity, abundance, make, mastery, release, flourish, choose, allow, savor, enjoy, enliven, seeds, grow ...

In order to finish up the newsletter, I had to finish the promo page for the workshop I’ll be teaching next month (Dec 4 from 1:00 to 5:00pm) and then between creating the graphics and the different versions of the email and testing them ... it’s 2:45 am.

And I have a blog post to write. *tired smile*

...

And I leave on Tuesday for another trip north to Duluth. I am really excited to work again with Sara Thomsen and her choir, not to mention the students at Univ of MN Duluth. (And, I just found out Regina Laroche who I performed with in last weekend’s concert will be joining us!)

I feel honored and excited (and, yes, a teeny bit exhausted) to have so many interesting and soul-feeding projects happening and in the works, but also a little distressed because all these cool projects mean I have had to go looking for more time.

More time to rehearse, more time to teach, more time to plan ...

Okay, I’ll just come out and say it.

I have to take a blog sabbatical. Til the end of the year.

...

I have been conflicted because I take my commitment to you and the honor of your readership VERY seriously, but this latest little admin marathon has tipped the scales. (Hey, it’s not you, it’s me. *grin*)

I am consoling myself with the thought that the holiday season is nearly upon us (my guitarist and I started rehearsing our holiday music last week) and you will hardly notice that I’m not emailing you on Mondays and Fridays. (*nervous giggle*)

I mean, we are all going to be quite busy for the rest of November and through December. (Right?) I have concerts, workshops and Songtaneous sessions to do and big singing/teaching/performing stuff to work out for next year. (And you will have concerts, workshops and Songtaneous sessions to attend. *snicker*)

Don’t worry, the blog isn’t going anywhere. You can come peruse the archives any time you need a Songtaneous fix. And if you are really missing me, you can come to show, look for me on facebook or shoot me an email. (Besides, you’ll hear from me in December when I send out the Dec issue of singingly. Go here to sign up if you aren’t already on the list. *smile*)

Take care, sing and I will see you here in the new year.