Sonya's Losing It

Healthy Boundaries?

2018-09-18T15:42:00.003-04:00

Growing up I always felt like I had to 'do what I was told' or else. A lot of what I learned as a child in terms of relationship bonds and my place in the world is mirrored in my adult relationships. It's taken me many years to figure what my mirror is showing me both good and bad.

I'm guessing many woman (not all) have felt the pressure to conform to others expectations and at the same time not wanting to hurt anyone's feelings or risk being seen as uncooperative. The price woman have paid over the decades has been insurmountable. I think of the mom on Leave It To Beaver, and how woman either bought into or felt that's what they should aspire to. Later on in television was the Mary Tyler Moore Show. The show was about a single woman in her thirties working at a TV station. In the show she was portrayed as a strong independent woman who knew more than those she worked with. Many decades since then more women are in the workplace than ever and more are showing up in high level positions (still low in comparison to men in high level positions). With the 'me too' movement and the passing of time things are changing for the better and yet there seems to still be this undertow of keeping things the way they were. Let's 'make America Great Again'?

After decades of many woman sacrificing their own needs to please others, we need to teach people how to set healthy boundaries for themselves in addition to teaching what healthy boundaries are. Healthy boundaries can be difficult to create and maintain if we are stuck in an old thought pattern. Being a mother, wife and community volunteer can both be fulfilling and sometimes equally as challenging. In the end I am the only one who truly knows how to take care of myself and it's ultimately up to me to grant myself the permission and say yes to myself.

Will you grant yourself the permission?

Trying the 'New' Weight Watchers Program

2018-03-21T18:55:00.002-04:00

A pic taken on my way to a basketball game. Pigs randomly walking in the road. Sums up how I feel right about now. Sick of winter and searching for a way to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I've been on the new WW program starting January 11th, 2018 (to date 3/21/2018 I've lost 7 lbs). Why? Because what do I have to lose besides pounds of course!? My sanity perhaps on what seems like a life long journey. Woops! Too late!

My ultimate goal in life when it comes to health and weight loss is to be able to eat without counting calories or points. That can be very difficult for me. Since starting this blog I have earned a degree in Exercise Science and I now have certifications: ACSM CPT, ACE GFI and I've completed coursework to be a licensed coach in my state. With all my education and personal experience (80 lb weight loss) I would have thought things would be easier by now but they're not. Science has proven that when it comes to weight loss it's calories in vs. calories out. Unfortunately calorie counting doesn't account for all the psychological, sociological and biological reasons why we eat what we eat. I need to try a new approach so I'm going to continue with the ww program for now. Ultimately I would love it if WW would incorporate calories as a form of measure along with the points system.

The new WW points system bases most veggies (including corn and peas) and all fruits as being zero points (of course everything does have calories). No fat/low fat protein foods are also zero points (chicken breast, turkey, eggs, fat free greek yogurt). Lets face it if I never ate cake and only ate fruits, veggies and lean protein I wouldn't have a weight problem. I would have never been fat. Growing up my snacks were boxed macaroni and cheese, PBJ, popcorn w butter and apples w pb (apples and pb is not a bad snack) and trips to the convenience store for junk food in the summer. When I got my first car that was my ticket to fast food drive through windows. I think it's been about 8 years since I had any fast food (now my fast food is typically nuts, fruit, cheese and sometimes a granola bar that I bring with me).

When I say calorie counting doesn't work for me it doesn't mean that the science behind calories and weight loss isn't true because it is. What I mean is I don't envision myself spending the rest of my life writing down every morsel of food I put into my mouth. My goal is to have 3 healthy meals and 1 - 3 snacks a day and not having to count calories while maintaining a healthy weight. Currently I'm not at a healthy weight however I have lost 7 lbs since January. I play pickleball 2x a week, weight train, endurance train and just recently started run walking again for the first time in years. Since losing 80 lbs several years ago I gained 50 of those lbs back. I've had two back surgeries along with many pints of Ben and Jerry's as part of my recovery in addition to being diagnosed with major depression. I've had many weeks of physical therapy with various injuries including a badly sprained ankle, shoulder, knee etc... Now I'm in a grove with my exercise routine and I'm working on my diet. However for the first time since my 80 lb weight loss I have noticed a difference in my blood pressure. The other day I had a head ache and my blood pressure was up to 140/76! My blood pressure is normally 117/76. That is my wake up call to work hard on getting healthier. In my family there is high blood pressure and high cholesterol, diabetes and strokes. Yikes!

My diet isn't bad perse just every so often there's a birthday party or special occasion (or stress) and I go overboard on sugar. Sugar is my weakness. Sugar has a way of causing havoc with hunger. Simple carbs or table sugar creates the temporary satisfaction of something sweet and comforting however that is soon replaced by a crash and the feeling of needing/wanting to eat more of that sweet treat. It's hard trying to find the balance of eating well and still allowing myself that occasional cookie without completely falling off the wagon. Finding balance is very difficult. I often use liquid stevia in things like coffee to add some sweetness without chemicals and that helps but sometimes when it comes to items like a cookie I just need real sugar and cookies sweetened with stevia wont do.

So in my quest to yet again lose fat what method do I use? What I do like about the latest version of WW (2018) is that it does focus on whole foods, lean protein and portions. I'm going to really focus on getting more vegetables in my diet and spend more time to plan ahead for snacks. As a last resort I'll go back to calorie counting but it's not something I really want to do (I have a really difficult time staying in my calorie deficit range). I hope to find a method that works somewhere in the middle. I'm working on my resolve and will continue to push forward. Writing and sharing my personal experience helps me a lot!

Never give up.

Elders, Education and #MeToo

2017-12-27T19:54:00.000-05:00

Sitting in the waiting room while my car is being serviced. I'm having a tow hitch installed so in the spring we can transport the family bikes to a local bike trail. Since I'm waiting for it to be installed I figured now is a great time to do some writing while I wait.

Most recently I read in the New York Times the interviews of the women who worked in the Ford Motor plant in Detroit, Michigan. The article was about sexual harassment in the Ford Motor Plant. As I was reading the article I felt sick to my stomach and angry. Angry that this was a part of the culture in the Ford Motor Company Plant. The women involved in the settlement received approx. $200k in exchange for no longer being able to keep their job? How is that even possible? According to the New York Times article titled How Tough Is It to Change a Culture of Harassment? Ask Women at Ford "Many of the women back then felt betrayed by both Ford and their lawyers, and said they were pressured into giving up their jobs. Their lawyers told them Ford insisted they resign as a condition of the E.E.O.C. settlement, for an additional payment. Ford lawyers later told a judge that was optional. Ms. Gray resisted but many of the others gave up the largest paychecks they would ever earn."

Since the New York Times article published there has now been a public apology by Ford Motor company. There are thousands of other working women in society who are subjected to mistreatment but say nothing. Why? much like the women who worked for Ford, they need the paycheck.

I recently had a conversation with an older gentleman about all the reports in the media of men who have been fired or resigned from their places of employment. In conversation, I kept a thought in the back of my mind that this person was much older than me. I imagined our culture and how women in it have changed a lot over the decades in comparison to how women were treated when he was growing up. During the conversation, I sensed a defensiveness coming from him as to what is really considered sexual harassment? It seemed as if his perception of sexual harassment was a very gray area and anything can be considered sexual harassment. There was even mention that women could lie about sexual harassment to manipulate the system in order to gain financially. I was stunned by that statement. In theory, anything is possible HOWEVER I've yet to hear a documented case of a woman saying she lied about being sexually harassed or raped. It has been published that a woman was coerced into saying she lied only to later have evidence showing proof she wasn't lying.
Puting myself in this mans shoes, how do you go from what is accepted amongst men (harassment or disrespecting a woman) to then respecting a woman? I believe we are all products of our environment and the power lies within us to change our thoughts and behaviors regardless of our upbringing. Since my conversation with this gentleman, I shared with him an article from a law firm describing what constitutes sexual harassment. He is now clear in his understanding and thankful for the well written definition :-)

In the end, it's about common sense, education and as the motto in my son's elementary school says to follow the golden rule. "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Another good rule of thumb is this: would you say 'this' or treat your boss at work that 'way'? If the answer is no then don't do it :-)

If we all open our eyes, ears, and speak out change will continue to happen. I'm hoping for future generations and perhaps by the time my niece reaches adulthood that this will be a 'remember when?'. In the meantime, I educate my sons on what it means to be equal for women and to break the cycle of the mistreatment and injustices woman have faced over the centuries and decades.

The #MeToo Campaign

2017-11-24T16:45:00.001-05:00

Fingers crossed that this trend continues. For the past 10 days, I've been feeling energetic for the first time since? It's been so long I can't remember. I'm feeling cautiously optimistic. It feels like I don't have depression anymore. What an amazing feeling that I hope never ends. Its kind of ironic as this time of year gets difficult with the shorter days. I've been using my Verilux lamp in the morning as I have for the last few years so I'm not sure if that has anything to do with why I'm feeling good? I'm feeling better now than I did a year ago.

I was fortunate enough to attend a Hillary Clinton
book signing. It was an amazing experience
to get to meet her. She has actively worked
on improving the lives of women and children
and continues to do so.

Depression doesn't affect me in ways someone might think when it comes to energy. I'm high functioning in that I'm not catatonic. It's just that my energy is limited (occasionally it feels like gravity is turned up or I'm trying to walk through waist-deep snow thankfully not often). A friend once explained to me what it's like to have Lyme disease (unfortunately she has chronic Lyme) and used a spoon example. Let's say you have 15 spoons and each spoon is worth energy. If you want to complete a task such as doing your laundry that may cost you say 3 spoons. Because you have a limited number of spoons you have to choose very carefully what you spend your spoons on. I have to spend my spoons wisely because while I may have 15 spoons everyone else has 25. Today I'm lucky as I feel like I have 23 spoons instead of 15. Over the past 10 days, it has felt like I had 25 spoons every day. I have the energy to do the things I originally had to put off for not having enough spoons. I feel like I have the energy for some 'extras'.

It's been a busy summer and fall for me (when is life not busy?). I studied and passed the ACSM CPT exam and the ACE GFI exam. I'm especially relieved and happy that I passed the ACSM CPT exam. It's an exam that isn't always passed necessarily on the first try. I attempted the exam two years ago and waited a while to make sure I had the information down solid before I took the exam again. Now I'm focusing on my personal training business, my health, and my family.

When I think back to when I was first diagnosed with depression it felt like my life was over. I was putting so much pressure on myself to be the perfect student, mom, and spouse. Perfection is a dangerous trap because there is never an end to it and it has taken me a while to come to that realization. It's impossible to be a mom who is in college to get straight A's, train for a marathon, manage a house, the kids' schedules and make time for your partner. That's the trap I fell into and it nearly ended my life because I felt like I was a failure for not keeping up. Are there moms who can do all the above and be happy? I haven't met one yet. I think about my boys and the example I'm setting for them. It's important to have goals and aspirations but not to the point where you drive yourself mad. There is a meme that I saw that has a triangle of three options and you can only pick two. The options are: clean house, happy family, happy mom.

Lately, there has been much talk in the media about the #MeToo campaign along with all the allegations that are coming out against actors, politicians and anyone basically in a position of power. Tarana Burke is the originator of #MeToo that started 10 years ago. She has an organization Just Be Inc. that helps young women of color in Philadelphia. Alyssa Milano used the hashtag #MeToo on twitter in reference to Tarana Burke. Since then many people have posted #MeToo on social media in response to sexual assault or harassment in the workplace or everyday life.

When I first saw the tweet I wasn't sure it was appropriate for me in turn to use the hashtag #MeToo. There's this feeling that it's something so personal and I feel like it comes across as jumping on the bandwagon. In addition, the phrase originated to bring awareness to young women of color who have been victimized and I'm white. Then the thought of how so many people are #MeToo struck me. Everyone who tweets it isn't a young woman of color as the original intent of the 'Me too' phrase began. I also read an unusual and angry post on social media from a woman that was seemingly offended at all the women who were posting their experiences and that an individual doesn't have to post #MeToo to validate the fact that they have had an experience. After thinking about it I decided for myself that it was OK to declare #MeToo. Am I a woman of color? No. But I did experience sexual harassment in my early 20's (not to minimize the sexual abuse I experienced as a child).

One of my #MeToo experiences: My boss was being a little bit short with me and would come up behind me at times while I was sitting at my desk and put his hands on my shoulders and massaged them. As time went on he would become more forceful to the point where it was painful. In addition to this, there were other abuses or nuances such as treating me like a pariah, playing mental games and stealing my work. Over time I felt more and more isolated. My breaking point is when my boss stole my work for a presentation I was supposed to be doing and presented it as his own. I contacted my boss's boss and told her I needed to meet with her. I sobbed in her office and was so afraid that no one would believe me. After telling her all of my experiences she said: "He did this to the last person that worked for him". Thankfully I was heard and he lost his position working for the nonprofit. He was immediately let go and I never saw him again. Unfortunately that same day at work my tire was knifed. Coincidence perhaps? I think not but I had no proof.

The reason I say #MeToo is women have been marginalized for so long. So many untold stories. So much shame victims hold onto for fear of retribution or not being believed. Some people will say: "Why is she coming out now to accuse him? Why did she wait so long to say something?" "I think she wants to make a name for herself or she wants his money." Are there a few woman who may have done this? Nothing in life is 100% outside of death and taxes. What I do know is that history has shown the lack of equality woman have had for decades. What does a woman have to gain in speaking out? Historically speaking it was a woman's fault for how she dressed. The burden of proof was always placed on the victim. Speaking out would lead to a revictimization process. People questioning what your motives are for speaking up. It feels like society was saying men are not to be questioned because they have value in our society in comparison to women. We live in a country of innocent until proven guilty however it gets difficult when the person who has been victimized is forced to show a burden of proof. Unfortunately, it can be difficult to show a burden of proof when the perpetrator is in control of the environment and able to isolate their victim. That, however, is changing. Men who have accusers are now losing their job and do so publicly.

In some conversations, Feminism is equivalent to the F-word. There can be negative connotations attached to the word Feminism. According to Mirriam Webster, the definition of feminism:

"1.: the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes

2.: organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests"

Some view feminism in a negative light because they are uneducated on the issues women face. For example in 1974 the Equal Credit Opportunity Act was passed to prevent creditors from discriminating against women. Before this women couldn't get a credit card of their own.

"ECOA was passed at a time when discrimination against women applying for credit was common. For example, mortgage lenders often discounted a married woman’s income, especially if she was of childbearing age. Things weren’t much better for single women, either. Organizations that lobbied for the passage of ECOA also claimed that mortgage lenders were more likely to deny credit to single women relative to other applicants.

Congress originally passed ECOA in October of 1974. When it was enacted, ECOA prohibited lending discrimination based on sex or marital status.

Not long after the original law was passed, in March of 1976 Congress amended the law to further prohibit lending discrimination based on race, color, religion, national origin, age, the receipt of public assistance income, or exercising one’s rights under certain consumer protection laws." - Consumer Finance .gov

Another example of justice is it became illegal to rape your spouse (in all 50 states) starting in 1993. - Some states still vary on what is considered marital rape. - https://www.ncjrs.gov/App/Publications/abstract.aspx?ID=201457

Women have come a long way but there are more battles to fight. There are anti-discrimination laws for protection in the workplace however that doesn't mean discrimination no longer exists. As a woman, I have experienced this over the years. My experience included finding out an equally qualified male was doing the same job and getting paid more per hour than myself. One time I was being asked questions during an interview in a very roundabout way to see if I had kids or planned on having kids. How was having or not having kids relevant to my job?

What can I do to help change things today? I have two boys that I'm teaching the importance of equality through action and behavior modeling. I am helping to break the cycle. Breaking the cycle starts with each one of us. Change is happening, change is coming, change is for the better. Our nieces, granddaughters, daughters are counting on us. The responsibility of #MeToo weighs on all of us.

45 years old?

2017-06-07T16:33:00.003-04:00

I haven't been posting on this blog consistently for quite a while. Why? I write about things that inspire me (I'm never short on inspiration but I am short on time). For several months my brain has been focused on getting healthier physically, mentally, working on my business (yes business :-) for personal training) and doing all the parenting things parents do with and for their children.

Writing about depression gets old and I didn't want to bore myself or anyone more than I already have. My recent weight loss has been small (10 lbs) and I'm working on a way to lose more weight without having to log my food every day. I generally feel my best when I'm exercising and lately, that's been playing pickleball.

Pickleball, in my opinion, is the latest up and coming sport. If you never heard of pickleball before it's not hitting a ball that's shaped like a pickle. It's a sport that's a combination of tennis, bad mitten, and table tennis. I play two days a week for a little over two hours at a time and I LOVE IT! I recommend you check it out if you've never played and are looking for something different to do. Where I play it's drop in so there's always people to play doubles with. I typically burn approximately 860 calories in a two-hour period (I use a polar heart rate monitor to accurately track my calorie burn). For me, those two hours go by in the blink of an eye!

Today as I write I'm feeling nauseous as my son gave me the gift of a virus for my 45th birthday. He stayed home from school today and this morning I woke up feeling tired and nauseous.

I'm having a hard time believing I'm 45!? In some ways, I feel like I'm a 20 - 30 something year old young at heart. I have this conception of living without limits. Unfortunately, my body seems to be telling me different. I may have arthritis in my hands??? What??? My knuckles sporadically feel tight and sore. My mom didn't start having arthritis until 68 and it's mild. My dad seems to be fine and has no complaints. I'm too young to feel this way physically! In addition, I started PT for my shoulder (rotator cuff) and knee. Once I start moving around for a while my knee feels fine - It seems to be sporadic. If someone told me this is what 45 feels like I may have started earlier with taking better care of my body and mind. For now, I will continue to accept all the birthday love my boys have given me, now time for a tums.

PS - My original blog address: www.SonyasLosingIt.com has been purchased without my knowledge. Long story short the domain name should have been transferred to my google account and it wasn't as I requested. My Google account is set up to take care of things like paying for domain name registration. As a result, the registration didn't actually transfer and it then expired. Needless to say, I'm not happy. Since then I've purchased www.SonyasLosingItBlog.com. I now have to change all of the links on my pages. No time!

UPDATE: My blog url sonyaslosingit.com is now fixed.

Depression - Round Two

2016-12-06T14:19:00.004-05:00

What I'm about to share with you I find to be very personal but I want to share this with you to give you a peak of what it can be like for someone with depression and suicidal thoughts. Keep in mind that every individual with depression has a different story so what I experienced doesn't mean everyone with depression has the same experience or symptoms. There can be people who have milder forms of depression and potentially have no anxiety symptoms at all. Writing about my experience helps me in getting better and hopefully fights the stigma of not talking about it.

Please note when I started writing this post I wasn't feeling well. I stopped writing and came back to this post about 3 weeks later. I'm feeling much better now and I'm getting stronger. Depression is biological, psychological and sociological. The best course for treatment is medication and therapy.

I've been wanting to write for a while now and as I write this I am not feeling well. I haven't been feeling well for a while (since late August, early September). When I say not feeling well I mean sliding down the depression slope. This time, it feels different than my first bout with depression that started in November 2012. This time it's less surprising because I have a better idea of how I may feel when I have a suicidal thought. This time around it has been different in that I have more anxiety that comes along with it. One time in the car and another time at home when I was by myself. In both instances, I reached out to my support people (husband, psychiatrist, psychologist, friend). My suicidal thoughts would overtake me while at the same time having a huge wave of anxiety. It was like two things were competing in my brain. My brain could only think about ending the inner pain (depression) with killing myself. Ironically depression for many is the thought of death being the only answer. While this is happening anxiety can also be happening simultaneously. The anxiety would come in the form of two things. One being that I need to quickly find a way to kill myself and or find a way to get help from someone (not being alone because I don't trust myself to not end my life). It's this internal struggle between living and dying happening at the same time for me. The way to safety is to get out of my head and contact someone.

In late August I was doing a lot of biking and was feeling good after a patch of the 'blues' (mild depression). I rely on the exercise endorphins as part of my treatment for depression. I was spending more time outside with our dog, James. On one of these occasions, we were playing fetch. I went to pick up the tennis ball and as I was standing up, 85 lbs of frolic came running towards me. Jame's head met with the side of mine. My ears were ringing and my stomach was ready to evict the food I ate earlier. I tried to get in the house as quickly as possible in case I passed out. My head hurt for a few weeks after that incident due to having a concussion (now I'm a little more careful when I play fetch with the dog - perhaps I should start wearing a helmet?). The doctor told me no vigorous exercise for 3 weeks and if my head hurt when I did something (reading for example) then don't do it and rest before trying again. This was the worst news for me because I always feel great when I work out and I felt like I was finally coming back from a mild depression at that point. Exercise is a key component to my treatment for depression. This was difficult for me to accept being inactive and still. First, it was one step forward, two steps back and then falling backward down the depression slope with no chance of stopping the fall.

James Bone - this picture was taken when he was 8 months old.

When I think back and compare this depression episode with the one in 2012, they are one in the same and yet also different. I think about how my short term memory has been flushed down the toilette (common with depression). Many times I completely forget what I am talking about mid sentence in a conversation. Having no short term memory can be very embarrassing! It's very difficult to multitask and concentrate. I can't cook in the kitchen and keep track of the simplest of conversations. If my husband asks me a question forget about it. My brain is on overload and I get flustered very easily. Sometimes in social situations, it takes a lot of work to look or appear normal and follow a conversation. I've been in situations where I want to converse but can't think of anything to say or I feel so tired or low that it's physically hard to smile or keep my eyes open (gravity has been turned up and it feels like there are weights on my eyelids and my face).
Names of people I've known for a while slip from my memory. About two months ago I asked a friend to go to see a matinee with me. There was a movie I wanted to see that had just come out. We got to the theater and waited in line to buy our tickets. There was one person in front of me. I started to go into a panic as I couldn't remember what the name of the movie was we were seeing. I was frantically trying to find a movie poster or the name of the movie on the digital board to jog my memory. No such luck so I rather embarrassingly asked my friend what movie we were seeing. In my head, I was freaking out but to look at me I'm just another person standing in line. All I could think of at the time was my friend must think I'm a total flake and a nut (I think she knew I had depression but at the time I don't think she new about having little if any short term memory at that point). I then had to explain to her that my short term memory isn't working. She was very kind and I was so embarrassed. It's difficult because if someone doesn't know that you even have depression (in addition to not knowing about the symptoms) you appear to be 'flaky' at times. Thankfully, a crisis was averted at the counter. I mentioned this incident to my psychiatrist and he asked: "what movie did you see ?" My response: "I don't remember the name of it". :-)

I never fully understood what it meant for someone to have depression until 2012. To some degree, I've had mild - moderate depression since my teens. I never realized that I had experienced depression until many years later into my adulthood. I always thought the way I felt was how everyone else felt. I remember never understanding how my fellow classmates could go to school, do homework and afterschool activities. For example, I joined the swim team in middle school or high school? and as soon as practice was over I went straight to bed (without doing my homework). That venture lasted for two weeks and then I quit. I remember just wanting to do nothing and anything above that required so much effort. I would look at other students and ask myself what was it that they had to be able to go to school and do after school activities? I can't remember how many clubs I would try to join and then I would just drop out. Everything felt energy draining. I was in survival mode.

Depression affects people differently and there are different levels of depression (mild, moderate, major) with the worst leading to thoughts of suicide. Some people may have depression where they can't get out of bed most of the time in addition to other possible ailments such as no short term memory, excessive sleep or not enough sleep, no eating or eating too much, loss of interest in things they once enjoyed. Depression varies by the individual and symptoms last longer than two weeks in order to be diagnosed with depression. Some people with depression will have thoughts of suicide and believe the only way to stop the internal pain is to die. For me during this current depression episode, my symptoms have been all over the map. For example, I will sometimes force myself to go out even though I really would rather stay in bed. What happens next is a gamble. I will either feel surprisingly energized when interacting socially or I will feel 100% drained and can't even fake a smile. Good days feel 'normal' in that I can do what I need to during the day and I feel fine and not exhausted. When I have a day where I do more than I should I am beyond mentally exhausted and have no patience for anyone. My kids and husband might say I'm 'grouchy' sometimes. As of right now I've had many normal days in a row and I'm continuing to do everything I can to help myself heal and maintain a balanced life as much as possible (enough rest, exercise, proper nutrition, self-care, setting small goals).

Anxiety is also a factor in my depression. I would say I'm 85% depression 15% anxiety (this varies by individual). My anxiety kicks into high gear when my lack of short term memory is ever present of if I'm in major depression and I have suicidal thoughts (thankfully no serious thoughts in the past several weeks). I'm climbing my way out of the depression hole and I can feel the results of all my efforts. One step at a time!

I hope my writing has helped you either in understanding more about depression or if you suffer from depression you feel a little less alone.

Some great resources about Depression!

Stanford Professor Robert Sapolsky about the biology and psychology of depression.

"Stanford Professor Robert Sapolsky, posits that depression is the most damaging disease that you can experience. Right now it is the number four cause of disability in the US and it is becoming more common. Sapolsky states that depression is as real of a biological disease as is diabetes."

TEDEd

National Alliance on Mental Illness
http://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Depression

Suicide Prevention Lifeline
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk-to-someone-now/

(A Non Traditional) Graduate!

2016-05-30T15:06:00.004-04:00

I'm sitting in my living room as I write this on Memorial Day (it's raining outside), while my husband puts away the last of our folding chairs. We celebrated my graduation yesterday with my siblings, niece, nephew and parents. The last time I sat and wrote something (outside of a college paper) was May of 2015. Since then I've had little snippets of time to share tweets or post recipes on Pinterest.

A lot has happened since May of 2015. We just about gave up hope of finding a puppy and after our first rescue experience swore off of getting another rescue. Since then we went to looking for a purebred puppy (insert a couple thousand dollars here!) and then discovered we could actually rescue a puppy! We found a dog named James Bone who was being fostered in Road Island and originally came from South Carolina. The second we met him we knew he was a match! He is an amazing dog and I wouldn't trade him for the world! He's so loving and loves people and other dogs. The only negative is he doesn't understand how big he is sometimes and can knock little ones over. His DNA: labrador retriever, red bone coon hound, welsh corgi and ? Horse perhaps? We are happy we took a risk and found him through Save A Lab Rescue! If you have an inkling to rescue a dog or purchase one from a breeder don't underestimate the amount of time and money they require. Just as with children and illness, anything can happen and the cost of medical care isn't inexpensive. The process for rescuing a dog takes longer than purchasing from a breeder or a dreaded pet store. References are required and even a home visit may be required. The application that needs to be filled out can be tedious as well. However some of these dogs have been traumatized and it's the mission of the rescue organization to do their best to find the best match or home for the dog/puppy. When we rescued James he was 6 months old and was found in S. Carolina at 5 months old covered in ticks. He is an amazing dog and we are beyond fortunate to have him as part of our family.

James Bone

In May of last year at the end of the spring semester, I was accepted to an undergraduate research program and the topic was healthy communities. The program was for approximately 6 weeks and was 5 days a week and 8 hours a day. I spent time listening to lectures and sitting a lot! Unfortunately, this lead to my back hurting again and I had to stop running once again. I then started physical therapy and since then I've been working with a personal trainer to keep myself on track. Unfortunately, when I'm feeling well I will push myself a little too hard at the gym. My trainer helps keep me in check and safe. Unfortunately since my back surgeries I've battled with my weight loss. Some of the extra weight was due to not being able to work out like I used to and a million other reasons including the demands of being a mom, student, and coach. Weight loss is very difficult. Once something happens in my life and a new stressor pops up it can through me off balance. I then will stop tracking my food intake and the pounds come back on. Even though this happens I have not and will not give up on being healthy and active.

My journey of weight loss has lead me to many opportunities and to my academics in Health and Exercise Science. I've been going to community college part-time for the last four years to learn the science behind how the human body fuels itself during exercise through fats, carbohydrates, proteins, and micronutrients. My course work has also included risk factors for diseases such as heart disease and cancer. Exercise prescription and risk factors were the foundation in my course work along with coaching, working with special populations and sports nutrition. What I've learned is anything and everything can be adapted to a person's situation. This spring semester I had an internship at an elementary school for PE. I loved my experience and especially helping the kids who had learning disabilities, emotional issues or autism. I loved seeing the spark in their eye and the smile on their face when they accomplished a task that they originally thought impossible. In some ways, it felt like I was coaching or helping a younger version of myself. When I was in elementary school I wasn't very confident so I could relate to the kids that felt out of place. Now I am a graduate with an Associates in Health and Exercise Science with a Fitness Specialist Certificate and I'm working on starting my own business. I want to help people reach their optimal health, lifestyle, and fitness goals through exercise and a healthy diet. When people feel better about themselves it impacts their life in many ways for the better. Exercise = power for positive change.

Note: If you want to change your life you can. It may not happen in a matter of months but years. Just keeping moving forward one small step at a time. Make a plan and NEVER give up! No matter what!

Sugar!

2015-05-13T19:10:00.001-04:00

The house is quiet as the boys are at baseball and I'm taking a study break right now. I've been missing writing so I'm indulging. Life has been interesting lately. Some things have been good, some things have been bad, and some things just plain ugly.

First The Ugly.......
Sadly we had to surrender our newest family member Bo (the dog we adopted from Arkansas). He bit the back of a little girl in our home (unprovoked). Thankfully the girl is OK and things didn't turn out more serious. There were marks on her back from Bo's canine teeth and thankfully no blood. We were heart broken as we love Bo but we couldn't have a dog in our home that bites children. While dogs and children together should always be supervised I can't live with a constant fear that my dog may bite a child. I want a home for my children to be able to have friends over and not worry about weather or not our dog is going to bite. I'm confident the rescue agency will have Bo placed in a home that's most appropriate (one without children).

So that brings us to our search for a puppy and fingers crossed we may have found a good fit for our family. Stay tuned...

Note: Surprisingly I got lots of interesting comments on my FB page about our decision to give up Bo. Some people only are looking at the situation from the side of Bo (that I shouldn't be giving him up) and thought by me sharing my experience I was giving rescue dogs a bad name and hurting the chances of other dogs being rescued. My opinion is people should know the facts about something before making any decisions. My experiences are my experiences and no one elses. I have many friends who have successfully rescued and I know of other people who have had bad experiences. In addition to that I know of many friends who have successfully raised a puppy and others who had bad experiences (FYI stay away from puppy mills).

Next the bad.....
Nothing is really bad just that I'm exhausted between assistant coaching the boys baseball teams, school and training for a marathon relay - and it will be my slowest 6 miles ever! -
I'm trying not to beat myself up about that. It's really hard when in my mind I know what it feels like to run fast (fast for me) and I'm running really slow. The extra weight I have isn't helping and losing weight is taking forever. But I have to remind myself this is for a lifetime. Slow and steady wins the race!

Finally the good.....
I watched a movie with my sons and my husband last night. It's called Fed Up and we watched it on Netflix. My almost 10 yr old and 6 yr old sat through the entire movie and it really struck a cord with my 10 yr old.

The movie focuses on sugar and how our brain reacts to it, insulin increase and how sugar is in everything. One of the key points of the movie is how children are marketed to via advertising or product placement in the grocery store. Sugary food advertising is compared to smoking advertising in the 50's/60's. Regulations on advertising cigarettes eventually phased advertising cigarettes on TV. The argument is being made that if we know cigarettes are bad and therefor aren't allowed to be advertised why are we allowing companies to advertise sugary products to our children? Children are facing diabetes more than ever (it used to be unheard of for a child to get diabetes) which then leads to heart disease and a myriad of complications.

After watching the film we decided to try a challenge and cut out the products with added sugar. I then went into the kitchen and read all the labels. WOW!! There are 4 grams of sugar in a serving of the Kashi crackers I bought. That equals almost 1 tsp of sugar. What I've found is that if we stick to whole foods we don't have to worry about sugar (nothing processed). I'm not sure we will be able to completely cut things out but for dinner tonight I made a black bean and rice casserole with onion, spices, topped with broccoli and cheddar cheese. Served with avocado and salsa (had sugar), and a side of edamame. For dessert I made a giant fruit salad. For the first time in a long while I saw my 10 year old dive into dinner and loved every bite. I think something clicked for him. I hope :-) I highly recommend watching Fed Up!

https://youtu.be/aCUbvOwwfWM

Vacation Weight Gain and Strategy

2015-04-19T12:27:00.002-04:00

A little update since my last post.........

Currently taking a few courses: Sports Nutrition, Principle of Coaching, ACSM exam prep course, Adventure Based Dynamics.

Now I'm Red Cross certified for CPR AED.

This past winter I purchased a Verilux "Happy Light". It made such a huge difference! This winter in New England was very long. I hadn't seen this much snow in a long time and the grey days don't exactly lift a persons mood. 20 minutes every morning and it lifted my spirits!

Ran my first 5k in ?1?1? Two years??
My slowest one yet but I'm able to run!

I have a new running partner named Bo :-) He's a rescue from Arkansas.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now back to the topic of 'vacation weight gain'. It happens to just about everyone who goes on vacation. My vacation was a cruise with my family. As many know there is an overabundance of food on a ship. You can get food anywhere, anytime!

It took me about mid cruise to figure out a strategy that helped me. For lunch I ordered room service so I couldn't be tempted by the never ending dessert station in the buffet.

I also ordered room service for breakfast or went to the dinning room to avoid the buffet.

If my options are limited and I give myself distance from temptation then it it's not so difficult to avoid. Did I eat anything sweet or fattening? Of course! I also had some frozen drinks. :-)

Now it's back to reality and back to eating 'normal' to feel and look lighter. No regrets. One step at a time!

Exercise vs. Depression

2014-12-05T21:40:00.004-05:00

Exercise vs. depression is like a tug of war.

When a person is depressed (speaking from experience) it can be hard getting out of bed never mind getting dressed for a workout. It's hard for most people to get the motivation to workout even when they aren't depressed. Self care can be difficult. The desire to 'look nice' isn't there and my outfit of choice is yoga pants/sweat pants and a T-shirt. As for my mood my husband would say I'm 'irritable'. My brain/thought capacity and short term memory is somewhat lacking at times. It becomes mentally harder to process things. My appetite is non existent due to the anxiety that also accompanies the depression. Not having an appetite for me means not having the fuel I need for my workouts. That however doesn't stop me as I force myself to eat. I remind myself how good I will feel during my workouts/exercise and then I try to find the healthiest most palatable food that will help me in my next workout. I don't want anything to get in the way of my natural medicine or self care - exercise! If exercise wasn't already incorporated into my life I can't imagine I could be efficient at following a workout routine. Walking perhaps but nothing beyond that.

The irony with lack of motivation with depression is the most effective treatment for depression is exercise. When I was first diagnosed with depression a few years ago the only time I felt 100% normal/mentally healthy was when I was running with my friends. Ever since then I've read many articles on the topic and my psychiatrist at the time also recommended cardio exercise as an effective tool for combating depression.

I'm not sure why but for some reason my depression and anxiety are coming back even while on medication. My life seemed to be going great and I was thinking to myself how well I was doing. After Halloween I then started to not feel well to my dismay. Sleep has been difficult so I've been taking prescribed medication so I can sleep through the night. I live in New England, and it's that time of year where the days are cold, gray and short with not a lot of sunlight compared to spring and summer. I'm thinking a light box may be on the horizon for me to try.

As I write this I'm still feeling nauseous. It's a feeling I've had for several days. I have my professionals at hand to help me and a great support system. Something so key in combating this illness.

Early this morning (5:30 am) I dragged myself out of bed and to the gym. I did weight training for about 45 minutes. It was hard getting going at first in the beginning of my routine and then I got into a grove and was feeling powerful, strong and just plain great!

One of the exercises in my workout this morning.

After getting home I got my 9 year old up for school and we went for a run outside. Again I felt great during and after my workout for some time. For breakfast I could stomach a yogurt, banana, vitamins and my medication. As the endorphins started to ware off I started to feel nauseous again. If I could exercise 24 hours a day I would! I then spent the rest of the day running errands with a friend (the sun was shinning). By the middle of the day I actually felt really hungry for the first time in days. We went to Chipotle for lunch and I had an awesome burrito bowl (brown rice, peppers, onions, chicken, mild salsa and guacamole) I ate the entire bowl!! It felt good to want to eat in that moment. It's kind of ironic that I'm trying to get in shape and lose weight (post back surgery) and my depression/anxiety is doing a great job of helping me not eat! A dieters dream perhaps? As a test I even baked a pan of brownies for my boys this evening. I ate one brownie and I didn't get any pleasure out of it (normally I would probably lose all self control and probably eat about half the pan). All I can do is take it one day at a time right now. I will get better. It's just a matter of time and treatment.

Thank you for reading my post - it helps me mentally to write and hopefully give those a window into my world. Depression/anxiety unfortunately isn't something a person can just snap out of. It's a biological condition in the brain that can be improved with medication, therapy, sleep and exercise of course! Mental illness is 'taboo' or the big white elephant in society. I hope this post helps someone out there to not feel so alone.

As for exercise I am thankful I have the physical ability to do so. Right now that's my 'happy and relaxed pill'.

Note: If any of this post doesn't make sense please understand :-) I've proof read my writing however my brain feels like it did when I was pregnant many years ago. Somewhat disorganized at times and 'slow'. To those who are afflicted with this illness I wish you much healing and lots of support.

For more information on Depression: http://psychcentral.com/disorders/depression/

The Rhythm Of Weight Loss

2014-11-09T17:35:00.001-05:00

I have a million topics and ideas to write about along with the pulls of school, being a mom, a wife and taking care of my body (my #1 priority). Right now my boys are out of the house with my husband and I'm taking a study break. I'm working on a research paper about Juicing. I haven't decided what direction I'm going to go with on the topic but the subject is very interesting!

As of today I weigh 188.2 lbs and I'm 5' 2" :-( On the upside I'm doing something about it and I've lost 5 lbs this past month. :-)

A pedicure instead of a food reward for losing 5 lbs

Statistics show that the majority of people who lose weight gain it back. I feel like the poster child for that statement and I want to beat the statistics. I'm learning a lot of strategies in my course work when it comes to weight loss maintenance success. One thing I've realized is that weight loss doesn't ever have a finish line. It takes a lot of hard work to lose the pounds and just as much work keeping the pounds off.

Lately my biggest struggle has been balancing my calorie intake with my calorie burn. No matter what my body needs a calorie deficit in order to lose weight. To lose 1 lb in a week I have to have a deficit of 3,500 calories in a week. My current calorie target level for eating to lose 2 lbs per

Love my Polar HR Watch! A must have to keep
track of how many calories I burn in my workouts!

week is set to 1,231 calories per day. When I exercise I can eat more than 1,231 calories but I don't consume all of the extra calories I burn. To eat every calorie burned during my workout doesn't speed up my weight loss efforts. For example if I eat 1,200 calories in a day and burn 350 calories that same day I may eat an extra 150 - 200 calories to compensate for the calories I burned during exercise (1,350 - 1,400). If I'm really hungry or don't feel satiated I'll consume all of the extra calories burned.

A Great New Dressing I love!
Braggberry Dressing!

The tricky part about counting calories is making sure I get the right amount of carbohydrates, fats, proteins. I've found for example if I don't eat enough fat I don't feel satiated and I feel hungry. The same goes for protein. Protein takes a long time for the stomach to break down hence feeling fuller longer however if I don't have a little bit of fat I don't feel satiated even though I'm full. On the subject of bulk it's all about veggies and fruit (Fiber)! Balancing out food groups and discovering what works for my body can be difficult. I've found as a rule that if I stick to whole foods and avoid processed foods I feel full and satisfied.

For tracking my calories I've been using the Lose It AP. I've also been participating in DeitBet.com to help keep me focused in the right direction. I survived Halloween and allowed myself some of my sons candy on Halloween. After Halloween I made sure the candy was put away and out of sight. Out of sight = out of mind!

Thanksgiving is coming up and we are going out to dinner so no left overs :-) I may purchase some rotisserie turkey breast at the grocery store if I feel the need for left over turkey.

My current workout routine has been ramping up slowly over the many weeks/months. On the weeks I don't increase my workout time I increase my workout intensity.

My current workout routine looks like this:

Sunday = Day Off

Monday = Zumba

Tuesday = Weights and 30 min Slow Run/Walk

Wednesday = Zumba

Thursday = Weights and 30 min Slow Run/Walk

Friday = Spin, Strength/conditioning class

Saturday = Circuit Training

My goal is to get another day of run/walking to make it 3x a week. My goal is to run a 5k in the Spring with one of my sons.

Think about what works for you. For me it seems to be an ever changing process as life happens and things get thrown into the mix!

PS Since my back surgery in June I haven't had any back issues or problems! I'm continuing to do lots of core strengthening exercises and strengthening my back muscles :-)

Change your mind about carbohydrates!

2014-09-29T13:00:00.000-04:00

I hear in different conversations that carbs/carbohydrates are bad for us and and pack on the pounds.

Guess what..... Not true!

While I don't know absolutely everything (no one does) what I do know is carbohydrates aren't bad for us. There are diets out there that seem to have some variation on eating fewer carbs or low/no carbs.

First I would like to say that not all carbohydrates are the same. Our body reacts differently to simple carbs vs. complex carbs.

For example if I were to eat a cookie that was 120 calories vs. 120 calories worth of brown rice or 120 calories of apple slices my body would react differently to the cookie vs. the brown rice or apple.

Complex Carbohydrates:

Apple = Aprox 4.5 grams fiber, natural sugars (fructose), Potassium, Iron, Magnesium, Manganese, Phosphorus, Sodium, Zinc, B1, B6, B1, E, C, A

Brown Rice = 1.8 grams fiber, 2.32 grams protein, Calcium, iron, Magnesium, Phosphorus, Potassium, Sodium, Zinc, Vitamin C, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Niacin, Folate, B6,

Simple Carbohydrates:

Cookies typically contain = very little if any fiber, white flour, sugar and butter or hydrogenated oils/fats

If I were to eat brown rice or an apple I would be satiated as these foods have fiber in them and or protein. Fiber and protein helps me feel full and slows down the emptying of my stomach. This leads to me feeling fuller longer and helps with stabilizing blood sugar vs. giving my body a sugar high and then a crash. If I were to eat a cookie that was 120 calories I would still be hungry which would lead to a few more cookies and a lot more fat, sugar and calories to only be hungry again a short time later after the sugar crash.

An excess amount of calories = weight gain.

I've found through my many years of experience with weight loss and weight gain that whole foods work! Whole foods keep me satiated and fuller longer than simple carbs like: white bread, muffins, white rice, cookies.... (all the things I love!)

What are carbohydrates good for?

1. Carbohydrates are an energy source for our body. Carbohydrates are stored in our muscles as glycogen and in our cells as glucose. Any excess glucose in our body is stored as fat (importance of watching our calorie intake). Glycogen/glucose is what powers our muscles during activity both anaerobically (jumping) and aerobically (long slow distance).

2. Protein sparer. Carbohydrates preserve our muscle tissue protiens. The job of protein is to help maintain muscle tissue, repair and grow. If there aren't enough carbohydrates muscle tissue and fat is used for fuel through glyconeogenesis (the breakdown of protein and fat to be converted to glucose).

Glyconeogenesis occurs under these conditions:
a. Dietary Restriction - consuming little or no carbohydrates - not enough calories.
b. Prolonged Exercise - glycogen/glucose stores are depleted during the activity without any additional fuel.
c. Intense training - repeatedly.

3. Metablolic Primer. Carbohydrates serve as a primer for fat to be used as energy. The byproducts of carbohydrate breaking down is what serves as a primer to burn fat for energy. The body can not have a sustained high level of activity (aerobic) from fat only (less intense of a workout = fewer calories burned). The body needs carbohydrates.

4. Central Nervous System (brain and spinal cord). Our brain relies on carbohydrates exclusively to function. The brain gets the carbohydrates in the form of blood glucose. The brain doesn't have the capability of creating a storage of glucose to be used later (like our muscles do). During intense exercise our muscles use what glycogen and blood glucose is available. Blood glucose eventually decreases below normal and the body can have mild symptoms of hypoglycemia (weakness, hunger, dizziness). Exercise performance decreases and fatigue sets in.

Summary
Are carbohydrates bad? No!

There are valuable micro and macro nutrients that we could be missing if we avoid foods that contain carbohydrates.

Eat whole foods and you will be eating complex carbohydrates = fiber, protein, vitamins, minerals, glycogen and glucose for your brain and muscles. Stay away from as much processed food as you can.

Weight Loss = our bodies using up more calories than we consume.

Cheers!

Sources:

Essentials of Exercise Physiology - fourth edition - Victor Katch, William McArdle, Frank Katch
Pg 36 -38

USDA

Time To Take A Breath

2014-08-27T15:50:00.001-04:00

Time To Take A Breath.
I tell myself after my children get on the school bus.
Another summer vacation has passed and the school year is starting for my boys and I.

The healthy bagged lunches are packed and I'm interested to find out how much of it my boys ate. It was standard fare: pbj, apple, carrots, multigrain quinoa chips and bottled water.

I feel a little bit of sadness that my youngest is now in kindergarten and my oldest is experiencing his last year in elementary school. I go inside and look around my house. It looks like a tornado went through it. Towards the end of summer I started to lose my steam. I couldn't do it all and the last few weeks I sort of gave up on the house. Before my surgery and post recovery I tried to pack in as many trips to the beach as I could and activities for my boys. I felt like I was a whirling dervish during the day and went to bed each day exhausted. I figured if my house looked like a bomb went off it was OK as long as my boys where fed, clean, loved, and happy. On any given day there are about 3 loads of laundry yet to be folded and that's ok. I tell myself as I take a breath.

Thankfully I'm sending my children to some amazing yet underpaid teachers. And my husband said this morning: "It's like an early Christmas! Santa is sending us a bus to take our children!". He says this with a smile (my husband has a home office so a quiet house makes for a quiet office).

Santa's Sl.... I mean the freedom bu. I mean The School Bus

After getting the kids on the bus I went to not one, not two, not three but four different places in silence! One of those stops was the grocery store. It was a very happy moment for me. As I walked up to the grocery store I took a deep breath. Ahhh I can read labels and think without any distractions. I never thought I could be that happy in a grocery store! I wanted to skip down the isles and I didn't even look at a list. I made it a challenge to see if I could leave the store without forgetting anything. I felt somewhat giddy. I would have actually skipped down the isle but I thought I might get a few stares. The store mainly had the demographics: elders, and moms with young children. As I saw a few children in the store it brought me back to the days of when my guys where little (under the age of 3). There's a small part of me that misses when my boys where that young and then there's a part of me that wanted to jump up an down in the store and yell I'm free! I'm free! Look I have two hands and no one nagging me to buy this or that! I can even stop and read the ingredients on a label! Wait this can't be for real?! Wait a minute am I on vacation? Time to take a breath.

It's 3:29 and my boys will be home soon. Time to take a breath and brace myself for the tornados. But first to attack the pile of laundry, then dinner and baseball. And tomorrow morning? An early morning workout! No matter what! School for me starts tomorrow!! Time to take a deep breath!

Back On The Wagon With Lose It!

2014-08-22T21:15:00.000-04:00

As I write this I'm extremely tired and my husband is yacking my ear off about watching a movie so I'm going to make this short. This week was my first week back to the gym! I'm starting out very slow and gradual so I don't injure myself. This week I went to the gym 3x with the following routine: 10 mins total of cardio on the bike and or elliptical; one arm planks, bosu planks, Lunges with and without weights, squats with weights, skaters, and wood choppers with weight. Even though I ran at my last physical therapy appointment without any pain I want to lose some weight and get my back and core stronger before I start my running routine.

Me Doing the Wood Chop - note the bags under my eyes.
This was taken late in the day today.

My workout today went well even though I'm really tired. Last night I wasn't able to get to sleep until I took a sleeping pill at 3am. I slept 3:30 am to 9:30 am (thankfully my boys don't start school till next week!). Not ideal for me as I need 8 hours of sleep to function normally. Today I went through the day thinking it was Thursday and wondering where the week went. During my workout I asked another person to take my picture. It was my way of proving myself that I am doing the work, it will just take a while to see the results (oh and I'm trying to add more photos to my blog posts :-).

In addition to my workouts this week I had a Drs. appointment for a physical on Wednesday. That was my wake up call. The kind that's a big kick in the ass! Part of my physical of course involves stepping on that beloved scale (insert sarcastic tone). I had a picture in my mind of what I thought I weighed. I of course was wrong. 193lbs!!!!!! I haven't seen that number in a really long time (my plan was to never see that number again!). I obviously know I'm overweight/technically obese but didn't realize my number was that big! During the physical
my blood pressure was also checked. My numbers have gone up to 128/82. The last time I got my blood pressure checked it was 110 over 70.

As a result of all this wonderful news I decided I needed to act right away so I started counting calories. I'm using the ap Lose It! I like the recommendation for calorie intake based on current weight and it's adjusted according to how much you want to lose a week. It's fast easy and I love it! I'll keep you posted on my progress!

http://www.sonyaslosingit.com/p/weight-chart-stats.html

7 1/2 Weeks Post Op - 185lbs

2014-08-12T16:37:00.004-04:00

It's been almost 8 weeks since my surgery.

I never thought I would see this day! The aqua therapy and physical therapy has paid off (as well as the surgery). My leg and back are pain free. Yesterday at my last physical therapy appointment I hopped, skipped, jumped and ran on the treadmill for 2 minutes! Pain Free!!! I never thought I would hear myself say the words: "I ran". My recovery time for this surgery was a lot tougher than the surgery I had last year. It feels like I can start to move forward.

Unfortunately during my recovery time for comfort I've done a lot of eating. When I was actively exercising/running I would get a runners high. I think that was a big help to keeping me on track with my eating. The endorphins gave me a comfort high. However when I feel stress and lack of control and running isn't an option I tend to gravitate to food. Food and the pleasure of eating it is something I can control. Unfortunately there is a down side and that is weight gain.

Right now I feel like I'm in my old body. I haven't gained all the weight I lost but I'm now a size 16 and I weigh 185. That makes for me needing to lose 45 - 50lbs. Now that I have the go ahead to start running (very slowly and gradually) I'm going to follow my running plan that I designed for a class presentation last semester. The presentation was on a training program for a first time runner participating in a 5k. The prerequisite? To be able to walk 30 minutes easily.

Here is the program I am going to follow in addition to other strengthening exercises and stretches:

My immediate and main focus is getting my exercise routine in order and slowly get back to being disciplined with my diet. As the endorphins start to kick in things will only get easier. I hope. No matter what! One day, one minute, and one pushup/situp at a time.

What helps you stay on track? I would love to hear your success or what you're doing to make a positive change in your life!

10 Days Post Surgery

2014-07-01T12:37:00.001-04:00

I'm trying to type while laying down. If my writing seems short/to the point it's because I'm somewhat irritable. Unfortunately my leg is hurting and the only way I get relief from the pain at this time is when I lay on my side. I'm able to walk around and do light house work and sit for short periods of time.

Ten days ago I had surgery. I had a discectomy as mentioned in my previous post. I had this same surgery in October of last year on a different disc. The recovery was easy compared to after this surgery. I felt no pain post op in my leg last year.

It's difficult being a parent when you're trying to recover from surgery. I see things that need to get done around the house and I want to do them (grocery shop, prepare dinner, weed the garden or clean the windows). Thankfully I have a great support system of friends and family. A friend of mine put together a meal train for me. Friends took turns dropping off meals so that I didn't have to worry about preparing meals for my family. I am so grateful to receive help from some amazing people. My husband has also been a huge help and support for me. He is doing a lot around the house and for our boys. He fortunately has a home office so if I need him in a pinch he can help. He's been driving the kids to playdates and camp as I can't drive while being on the pain med/muscle relaxer. He's also taking them out on the weekend to keep them active. Plus he's been taking over on my usual responsibilities such as cooking.

Yesterday I felt the need to get out of the house so I went to my nephews birthday party. The car ride there was fine (45 mins - More than I should have been sitting in a car). I walked around a little bit then I laid down in my brother and sister in laws bedroom. Thankfully I brought my pills to be sure I kept up with pain management. The ride home was not pleasant. My hip and calf were tight and in pain. As soon as I got home I went strait to bed. Total relief to stretch out! Needless to say I'm going to be very careful about how much time I spend in a car from this point forward.

My post op appointment is this Tuesday and I'm looking forward to hearing what the Dr. has to say about when I can start physical therapy. I would like to start doing exercises or stretches to help speed or aid in my recovery but I want to do it safely. Fortunately with the first surgery I didn't need any PT.

When it comes to my diet I've been eating really well. Lots of veggies and fruit with lean protein and some grains. I wouldn't be surprised if I lost some weight as my portions are much smaller and healthier. I did a lot of binging before my surgery. I thought of every food I haven't eaten in at least a year and I went out and ate it. Needless to say I needed to buy some clothes in the process :-/ Stupid.

Overall I'm trying to be patient with my recovery. I have a limited amount of energy in which I can do things so I have to choose wisely. If I choose to help my 5 year old make cookies or if I choose to do some light housework I'm done for the day. I push myself to move around just before or at the threshold of leg pain then I lay or sit down. I'm working on recovering while keeping my eye on where I want to be in the future. One small step at a time.

Note: My brain is a little foggy with the drugs so if you read something that doesn't make sense or my writing seems 'choppy' it's the drugs.

Life

2014-06-05T15:55:00.002-04:00

It's been forever since my last post. I've often thought about things I would like to write about but somehow life gets in the way. It feels like I have a million things I want to accomplish but there are only so many hours in a day. Today I had a Drs. appointment and he asked me what my plans were after the surgery (something that has developed since my last post). I told him my plan is to get back to where I want to be physically.

Rewind.....
Over a month ago I had a nasty sinus infection and chest cold. During that time I didn't do any cardio due to a my lung capacity. I was coughing for about a month (which only made my leg hurt more as it push pressure on the nerve). I vowed to go back to taking spin on Friday mornings once I felt ok but my leg pain has been acting up more (especially during the coughing episode - thankfully I'm not coughing but it doesn't take much to aggravate the nerve.).

I finished physical therapy about a month + ago and it was recommended I get an x ray and an MRI. The x ray of course didn't show anything but the MRI did. I have a ruptured disc L4-5. Surgery is in a couple weeks and I can't wait to get this done. As I told the doctor today I want to get back to my fit self. I've been doing lots of comfort eating knowing I shouldn't but frankly I don't really care at this point. I know what it takes to lose the weight and I will get there. I will do it again. I know I can.

On my way home from the Drs. today I heard about a car accident where a husband and wife died. They had just dropped off their child at daycare when the accident happened. It saddens me to think about what their child must be going through today knowing that his/her parents are dead. I can't imagine how horrible it will be for the person who has to tell the child what has happened. Gone forever. It's moments like this that make me want to hug my boys that much more. It also puts in perspective how lucky I am. I may see myself as fat but I have so much to be thankful for. I have hope. I may never run again but fingers crossed I will. If I can't run then I will count my blessings. It just means my course has changed and I need to figure out a new plan. I need to put down the spoon and pint of self pity and start again.

This Feels Like Forever

2014-03-28T17:41:00.002-04:00

This feels like forever as I sit here typing. Forever since I've run. Forever since I've felt strong and confident. Forever since I've fit into my clothes that I purchased after working so hard to lose 80 lbs.

I feel like a hamster running on a wheel and I'm going nowhere.

As the days and weeks go by I am going to PT for my most recent back injury. I have pain down my right leg that's being caused by my sciatic nerve being pinched. I'm in a really negative mood. I miss my 'old life' of running with friends and feeling strong and powerful. Now I feel like the old fat me who is trying to crawl out of this hole in the ground. I want to be who I've worked hard to be. The fit and trim not the overweight Sonya.

Some may say this is sort of a mid life change up. I'll be 42 this year and my goal is to be a personal trainer and group fitness instructor. I want to help people who want to change their life for the better. While I want to do this I feel like I can barely help myself right now. On the upside I'm doing well in my Exercise Physiology class and I find it fascinating and interesting how the body works to create energy for exercise/motion. Understanding the science helps me understand the why. The "why it's so important to eat carbs"; "why it's so important to stay hydrated" and the how. How our body's systems work together for energy output and how foods are processed and stored as fat or used for energy. Another plus is one of my medications has been dropped. This one medication in particular is known for people to gain weight on. I'm hoping my metabolism bounces back.

I'm trying to look forward and tell myself this isn't forever. This is just one day. All I can control is what I do today. I have choices. I just need to make the right ones. I think I'll be passing on the pizza my family is eating tonight and have a salad instead.

Waiting for the day that doesn't feel like forever.

172 lbs

2014-03-26T14:16:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I weighed myself after skipping a weigh in the week before. I was pleased to see the number on the scale but I wasn't surprised. I had the privilege of going away for 5 days during my spring break. Thankfully my husband was able to take care of the kids while I spent time on the West Coast visiting my close friend (the one I ran the Bay to Breakers Race with a few years ago).

Not unlike what many people do on vacation I posted some pictures during my trip on my Facebook page. It's funny how there are so many perceptions based on our Facebook photos. I know I've said to myself: "they seem to have it all together!" "They look like they have the perfect life!" "look at all the activities they are doing with their friends, family and children!" "I hope I'm doing enough for my boys. Maybe what I'm doing isn't enough?" And the insecurities can come flooding in.

One of two meals I had during my trip.
This was at Suppenkuche.

A beautiful beach on Route 1. Missing my boys and husband
when I took this picture. Wished they were with me.

Finally getting out for a nice walk in the Sunshine while
feeling quite nauseous.

In thinking about what to write about for this blog post I thought why not right a little something about Facebook and our perceptions. I decided to use my trip as a perfect example of that.

Based on the pictures you would think I was having the time of my life! Well sorta.

Was I enjoying some time away from my responsibilities of being a mom and partaking in the day to day at home? OF COURSE! However there's always another side to every picture.

The day before I was scheduled to leave I started to feel anxious and nauseous. I was traveling alone and even when I'm traveling with someone I get a little nauseous until I'm actually on the plane and I reach my destination.

As part of my travel bag I packed oyster crackers. I know I was going to be hungry at some point so I decided to play it safe and pack something that wouldn't upset my stomach.

I anxiously made it to the airport with plenty of time to spare. The flight went well and I had a 3 1/2 hour layover in LAX. Unfortunately there were no charging stations to be found anywhere but fortunately I had plenty of battery juice left for my cell phone.

As the day went on I wasn't feeling any better so I stuck to ginger ale and oyster crackers. By the time I made it to my destination (San Francisco) I was hungry and felt like I needed to eat something substantial. My friend and I made it out to a great German restaurant named Suppenkuche. I had eaten there before during my last trip to San Francisco and the food and beer are always great! During dinner I had no problems drinking a beer and having a stuffed portobello mushroom (German style). It was really tasty! Shortly after finishing my meal my tummy started not feeling so well again. Lets just say I made it to my friends apartment just in time. I spent many hours in that bathroom including most of the following day.

My friend had to work the following day so I drove her to work for the use of her car. Upon returning to her apartment I parked the car and spent the day not too far from the bathroom and watching movies. After several hours I left the apartment to go pick her up. I was about to get into the car and I noticed a bright orange sticker on her drivers side window. It said that her plate was written down and the car would be towed if not removed. Thankfully I was able to peel half the sticker off. As I was peeling off the sticker I noticed a guy peaking in on me behind a gate. He then came up to me and said "Thanks a lot!! for taking my space!". I then realized I had parked in space 129 instead of space 126. I said: "I'm sorry, I'm from out of town and I just arrived yesterday. This is my friends car and I accidentally parked in the wrong space." He then walked off in a huff and waited for me to move the car so he could have his space back.

As I got close to my friends work I rolled down the window so no one could see the sticker. I then told her what happened and had her roll up the window. I felt really bad but she took it in stride and we were able to get the rest of the sticker off - thankfully!

Eventually after a couple days with some Immodium AD I was able to live outside the bathroom and spend some time outside of the apartment. We spent time along route 1 going to Santa Cruz and Half Moon Bay. The whole time I was surrounded by amazing wonderful fresh food. None of which I could eat. - my definition of hell! I was nauseous the entire time and was able to finally have a meal out on my last day (a bowl of really good Ramen). My nausea is finally gone as of today.

Was my trip great! - Yes because I got to see my good friend but no because I was sick the whole time!

Nothing is always as it seems and there's always more to a picture than we think.

Thankful to have enjoyed the California sunshine and thankful to be home with my boys.

173 lbs

2014-03-10T16:02:00.002-04:00

I weighed myself this morning and I've lost 1.6 lbs.

However I don't feel like celebrating.

I'm having a down day. I tend to be really hard on myself and today I'm not feeling great. I'm feeling hopeless as I go through the motions of keeping my food journal and making appointments to get my back injury figured out.

I went to my primary care doc today and got a prescription for physical therapy. I'm fearing that I'm going to go through the motions of PT and in the end need surgery again.

It feels daunting at best to try to stay in shape and do what I love doing. Running with my friends. For now running isn't in the picture and I have to accept that. Hopefully someday I will be able to participate in a 5 k. Until then I need to find my 'new way' of doing things no matter how difficult. One of the things I've learned in school is the best form of exercise is one that you love. Unfortunately that's not in the cards (running) so the best form of exercise is the one I like the least and that's swimming. There's a lot for me to get through when it comes to swimming. A fear of drowning. It makes no sense as I do know how to swim but it's a fear that I have. After I start PT I'm going to get in touch with a swim instructor to help me overcome that fear by working with me on improving my swim strokes.

Since my post yesterday I have a couple of friends in the same boat so I'm hoping to connect with them once I get through my fear.

No matter how daunting. No matter what.

174.6 lbs

2014-03-09T20:14:00.000-04:00

Last Monday I gained. .6 lbs .

Time to move on.

I've been dreading posting on my blog. I've been keeping track of my calories and I was starting to get back on track with my exercise. I was taking a spin class 3 x a week and one of those classes was a 90 minute class. In addition I was doing cardio on my own via a spin bike 2 other days for a total of 5 x a week. For weights I was starting to do more upper body work in addition to sit ups and pushups etc...and then I pushed myself too hard. I was doing a combination of two exercises. I was laying on a bench with my butt at the edge. I was doing leg lifts in combo with a reverse hip lift. I did 25 of these combinations and then when I went to stand up I felt a twinge in my back. :-/ Since then it's been ice, heat, advil, stretching, PT, muscle relaxers and oxycodone sp? (the prescriptions I had from back surgery in Oct). There is nothing more frustrating than wanting to be able to lose weight, have a great workout and feel strong. I miss my old me (my fit and 4 sizes smaller me). This back injurry happened a week ago and I've been doing my best to make progress and it has been working but I'm worried.

What am I scared of/worried about? That I have a ruptured disc again. I have pain from my sciatic nerve that is running down my hip all the way down my leg. Very similar to how it felt when I ruptured my disc last year leading to surgery in October. I have an appointment tomorrow with my Dr. so we'll see where I go from there. In the mean time I'm going to try and do things differently. I'm going to try swimming (yay! I get to shop for a swim suit! :-/ ). Something I've been holding off for a long time. In my mind (I'm studing Health and Exercise Science) I know what is best for me but I'm my own worst enemy. Panic and anxiety sets in once I get past the line in the pool that goes from shallow to deep. I feel like I can't swim fast enough to get to the edge of the pool. Something I'm going to work on as my body is craving the endorphins from cardio and a full body workout. Swimming seems to be the best bet for a no impact full body workout however I have some work to do. More mental work than anything. I'm not sure if I'm going to get some swim instructions or a personal trainer. I need to keep moving forward even thought I feel like it's one step forward two steps back. I can't give up.

173.6lbs :-/

2014-02-24T08:21:00.001-05:00

My weight has gone up! I've been hiding from the scale or should I say my blog (I didn't post last week as I gained). It's painful to write down publicly that I've gained weight.

This past week I've been eating too many calories. On the upside I have been working out more!

Why do I keep doing this to myself?????!!!! UGH!!! It's so stupid!!!!

171.8 :-)

2014-02-10T22:07:00.001-05:00

I lost 1.2 lbs!

This past week I focused on sticking to my calorie allotment of 1,500 calories a day. I allowed myself one 'cheat meal' and I went over my calories at a party. Oops!!!

With exercise I stepped it up a notch. I spent a lot of time on the spin bike. When it comes to running unfortunately I can't for now. I pulled a lower back muscle when I was bending over to look in the kitchen cupboard. :-/ Always something mundane seems to cause injuries.

My goal is to eventually exercise 5-6 days a week for an hour.

Going to make this an even better week than the last. One pound at a time!

173 :-/ = +1.8lb

2014-02-03T09:32:00.001-05:00

This morning the scale read 173.

I'm not feeling happy about it.

While I did exercise during the week I also indulged during the supper bowl with junk in the house: Cheetos, brownie, ice cream, marshmallows, pigs in a blanket etc... My stomach revolted on the marshmallows. The marshmallows were chocolate flavored and one of the ingredients gave me abdominal pains. They didn't even taste good but I ate some because I was wanting to enjoy them.

The few days before I also indulged in some extra calories in the form of beer and a good size serving of frozen yogurt. I also had dinner out and the bread and butter at the table didn't help my date with the scale this morning.

Feeling depressed about my number this morning but I can't let it derail me. I need to keep moving forward.

Today's Weigh In

2014-01-27T17:18:00.002-05:00

Today I weighed in after a week of counting calories.

The scale read 171.2

Last Monday the scale read 170.8 so this week was a gain of .25lbs (one stick of butter). Nothing terrible but also not going in the right direction.

Louie one of my walk/run partners :-)

No excuses. I indulged this weekend by consuming a few mixed drinks, chips, stuffed dates with bacon and some garlic bread. On the occasions I indulged I didn't count/keep track of those calories. I guess in a way it was me putting my head in the sand as to how much I was really eating. The scale however never tells a lie.

On the positive side of things I did exercise during the week. My activity included running and taking some fitness classes like spin and TRX.

Starting tomorrow I'll be dog sitting for a friend for ten days. The dogs name is Louie and he will be my 'boot camp' dog.
I'll be walking/running him two times a day. Once in the early morning and another time in the late afternoon/early evening. He's a puppy (aprox 8 mnths old) so he will need his exercise.

I'll write more on next Monday. One calorie at a time!