Sonya's Losing It

My Progress on Jillian Michael's Program

2013-05-21T11:56:00.001-04:00

Today was a good day. It didn't start out so great as we found this morning some teenagers thought it would be fun to play baseball with our mail box. My day however did get better. I've been on Jillian's program now for two weeks. The workouts are intense but worth it. I love the challenge of a good workout but most importantly I LOVE TO SEE THE GREAT RESULTS of my hard work! I weighed in this morning and lost just under 2lbs for a total of 4lbs in two weeks and in one week I lost 1" from my waist and 1.5 " from my hips. I'm well on my way to losing the 25 lbs!

This is my 'new' before picture.
I'm 148 lbs down from 152 and have
lost 1.5" from hips and 1" from my waist.
My goal is to reach 125 - 130 lbs.

I have been doing my Jillian Workouts at the gym so there are no distractions (like cleaning the house or doing laundry). A young guy (20's is young for me considering I'll be 41 next month) was working out near me and mentioned he noticed how hard I was working. He said my workout looked intense. My response to him: "If I'm going to workout I'm going to make it count". At the end of my workout I wished him a good day and he said: "Your workout looked really intense. I'm really impressed!" That made my day coming from someone who looks to be about half my age :) Pay it forward! If you see someone working hard mention it to them and say good work! It may just make their day. It sure made mine.

Weight Watchers vs. Jillian Michael's

2013-05-17T20:23:00.001-04:00

It's been a little over 3 years (January 2010) since I started my weight loss journey. I reached my goal weight in May of 2011 (135 lbs). Since then it's been a yoyo and my trend had been going up over the last several months. My current weight is 150 lbs (I was 155 but lost 5lbs over the last few weeks). My goal is to lose the weight I put back on (20 lbs) plus an additional 5 lbs for a weight loss of 25 lbs in total. It's so hard keeping the weight off!!

The strategy I'm now doing this time is different. I've decided to follow Jillian Michael's weight loss program instead of continuing on with Weight Watchers. I lost the 80lbs on Weight Watchers and the program served me well. It forced me to look at portion size, calories (with old points system), fiber, carbs, fat and protein (with the new points plus system). It changed the way I looked at food. Instead of processed foods I focused on eating a variety of whole fruits, vegetables, legumes, grains and low fat/no fat dairy like greek yogurt. The one fault or problem I had with Weight Watchers is not knowing the amount of calories I was taking in. On the Weight Watchers plan fruits are 'free' meaning they don't count against the daily point allowance. For me that is bad news. I love food and if someone says I can eat as much of something as I want I will :-) - especially fruit. I cut back on my fruit intake to no more than 3 pieces of fresh fruit a day. I noticed a difference in not gaining weight and even losing weight but I was still in the dark with my total calorie intake (I'll be explaining the importance of calories in a moment). I tried maintaining two food journals. One for Weight Watchers and one with just basic calorie counting and it was too much for me to handle with being a busy mom, student etc...

While being on Weight Watchers I've trained for various events including a couple half marathons and a marathon along with just wanting to be physically fit. There were times when I felt almost week or tired and it was hard to tell if I was taking in enough or the right ratio of carbs, fat, protein and calories. Of course I also was eating too many calories (fruit) at times and that slowly only adds more weight. Everything I've studied up to this point in my Health and Exercise Science program (something I'm working on slowly as I'm a busy mom!) all points to calories in vs. calories out. There are no short cuts, or fad diets when it comes to weight loss: Weight Watchers, South Beach, Paleo, Grapefruit diet etc... It all comes down to calories plain and simple. If you can live on a diet that's strict vegan or Paleo and it agrees with your body (you feel great) and lifestyle I say go for it! In the end it's all about the calories when it comes to weight loss (as science has proven).

Who is Weight Watchers good for?

Everyone! I think Weight Watchers is good for anyone who's diet primarily consists of mostly highly processed foods (chips, candy, frozen pizza) and restaurant/fast food fair or someone who doesn't understand portions and has no interest in counting calories. Weight Watchers is simple and easy. I learned how to look at food in a new way (carbs, calories, fat, protein). Weight Watchers changed the way I look at food based on the points system. Food for me was looked at more from a fruit and vegetable stand point, lean meats and low fat dairy than ever before. Can you eat a cheeseburger for lunch? Yes as long as it fits in with your points. I guess being on Weight Watchers, losing 80lbs and starting this blog has led me down the path of studying Health and Exercise Science. Something I am very thankful for!

Some website features: Build your own recipe and much of the tools (points calculator, food database) on the website are also available through the phone application.

Some website cons: Navigation can be a bit confusing sometimes and there seems to be an overload of information everywhere on the website.

Who is Weight Watchers not good for?

I don't think Weight Watchers is good for someone who is a food addict that could go into a fruit binge (fruit is zero points on WW but not zero calories). In my opinion I think Weight Watchers can also be difficult for someone like me who was close to goal weight and exercising a lot. I found it really difficult to figure out just how much I should eat without gaining and still having enough food for my long runs or workouts (even with the activity points). I found this especially difficult when I was training for a marathon (anyone in training for an endurance event should not be trying to lose weight). I felt weak from not eating enough or I would eat too much and gain weight.

Who is Jillian Michael's plan good for?
Everyone! I think Jillian Michael's plan is good for anyone who wants to know the hard numbers of calories in vs. calories out. There is also a tally for how many carbs, protiens, fats, cholesterol, sodium, and sugar displayed next to your calorie total for the day. It's a great tool to see how much I'm eating within each category and if I need to eat more carbs or less protein (based on a persons setting of balanced, slow or fast oxidizer). Another thing I like about her program is my daily calorie allowance is based on my BMR and is factored into the daily calorie allowance. In addition to calorie counting via an online journal and food database I have a daily workout designed for me. Jillian's workouts have three levels and each one is guaranteed to kick ones butt! What I like about the workouts is that there's both a written explanation and a video clip for how to do each exercise. If there is an exercise that's too difficult you can always do a modification or another exercise that targets that area (abs for example - these modifications are only an option from the website not the phone app as of 5/17/2013). For Jillian's workouts it's based on your own body weight with the use of a step, chair, hand weights, exercise ball, medicine ball and a mat (depending on the exercise or workout - no gym equipment required). I love having a workout schedule figured out for me and it includes a couple days off and a day to do what ever I want for cardio. For Jillian Michael's plan I think it's wonderful. It's a great place for me to start from where I left off on Weight Watchers.

Who is Jillian Michael's plan not good for?
That's a tough one. If you are interested in a weekly support group meeting, Jillian's plan may not be for you. She does offer support online via forums and additional coaching but for some people being in person with others is what they need (face to face contact). I also envision someone who has never done a push up may need to hire a trainer for a while to be shown form on certain exercises to avoid injury. Jillian does a great job showing what not to do in her video clips however there is no replacement for having a person physically there observing you and helping you. I also think for a first time exerciser her workouts may feel a bit intimidating. However if you've seen the show The Biggest Loser and are ready to get really serious this is for you. Her program is no joke but you get results!

Some website features: Super easy and fast to navigate. Great display of calories consumed, calories left and calories burned during her workouts. Excellent modifications or recommendations for exercises (I've had to modify as I can't do some of the advanced exercises but I'm working on it ). Phone app has an excellent workout program including a video of Jillian demonstrating each exercise. If you can't find a food in the database you can create your own food. If you don't have the time to find an item in the food database you can always quick add the calories you consumed.

Some website cons: The modifications for each exercise can't be seen on the phone app like on the website. Haven't been able to yet figure out how to build my own recipes like on WW website. The food database isn't as big as WW but you will find all your whole foods on the list.

In conclusion......

Having said my opinions would I tell someone not to do one vs. the other?
Absolutely not! Everyone is an individual and needs to do what's right for them. What's a good fit for them may not be a good fit for someone else. Weight Watchers was a great fit for me and I lost 80lbs. Now what works the best for me now is Jillian's program. Something I can see myself sustaining for years to come. I've been on Jillian's plan for a little over a week and I've lost 2 lbs to date. I'm on my way to losing the weight I regained.

No matter what plan you choose the fact that you are making an effort and dedicating real time and effort to better health and fitness is a step in the right direction. Calories in vs. Calories out.

Exercise and Stress

2013-05-11T18:08:00.001-04:00

In my previous post I mentioned how I'm no longer signing up for events as it was becoming a stressor for me to train for these events. I'm writing this post in the hopes of helping people figure out what is a good stress vs. a bad stress when it comes to exercise.

A picture taken at a FitAthalon
I participated in. And LOVED!

Lets face it everyone (or most everyone by human nature) likes to take the easy way. Case in point if you could be healthy by either sitting on the couch eating a bowl of ice cream or sweating during a run outside most people would probably pick the bowl of ice cream vs the run as it's more pleasurable. Unfortunately that's not a reality. If being healthy meant eating a bowl of ice cream we all would be fit and trim in this country. That is something the diet/food industry knows or prays upon so we have the latest fad diets along with weight loss pills and fat free, low fat, processed foods in the grocery store. These are illusions that are the answers to our weight loss prayers.

Unfortunately there is no easy way out when it comes to losing weight and being fit. But fortunately we can control what we eat and how much we move. That is something we can't buy on a shelf or in a weight loss plan.

When it comes to moving our bodies there are many benefits to exercise.

Here are just a few:
Lowers blood pressure.
Releases endorphins that help lift your mood.
Conditions your cardiovascular system.
Builds muscle and burns fat.
Helps prevent bone loss.
Stress reliever.
Sleep better.
Decreases appetite.
Helps maintain a healthy weight.
Helps in weight loss and therefore lowering risk for certain diseases like diabetes.

Before every workout there's a part of me that's not looking forward to it but I do it anyways because I know how I will feel during and after my workout. Once I start running for example the endorphins start flowing and I feel 'normal' when it comes to my depression symptoms and even great in most cases. After my run I feel a sense of accomplishment that lasts me for a good part of the day if not all day.

When a particular routine or workout isn't working for me I hate it from the moment I start to the moment I finish. I have no joyful sense of accomplishment afterwords and some anxiety is in the midst of the experience. That's what happened to me a week ago when training for an event (the event is a duathlon that takes place in one week) and I of course decided to drop out of the event. It's something I initially signed up for enthusiastically but since then things have changed. I'll be collecting my T-shirt and rooting my friend on from the sidelines.

Typically a bad workout doesn't happen. Most of my workouts (the Jillian workouts are fantastic by the way!) I enjoy and find challenging in a good stressor kind of way. While I initally may not feel particularly excited to sweat or exert myself I feel great during and after my workouts (there's no bad stress).

If you find yourself being stressed in a bad way about a particular type of exercise change it up. There are so many activities and workout routines to chose from. Keep working at it until you find one that works for you. Life is too short to be doing something you hate!

Working It Out

2013-05-08T21:34:00.002-04:00

A beautiful view on a spring run!

As I write this I'm sitting on the couch with the TV on for some background noise. It's been a month since my last post and life has been very busy. My 7 year old has something to go to 4 out of 5 days/nights of the week so our dinner time is very rushed along with bed time and helping my son with his homework.

My spirits in general are ok. I'm missing my dogs Mocha and Java. I can't count how many times I when I get home and I feel a rushed feeling of needing to let them out and then I remember they aren't here. When it comes to progress in my life I feel like things are moving at a painfully slow pace since November. My short term memory is spotty at times and it's hard to really know why or what's causing it. I guess the big lesson in all this is patience.

For exercise I'm backing off of signing up for any more races. I'm feeling that I've burned myself out and I don't need to be signed up for a half marathon to be in shape or to exercise. Training for an event takes time and it's something I don't have much of these days with family commitments. A training schedule for me was starting to become a chore and a stressor instead of an outlet or level of achievement When exercise becomes a stressor it's time to change things up and do something different.

I've decided as of yesterday to try a new focus and new approach to weight loss. Everything I've learned in my program at school to date (Health and Exercise Science) has been of great use. The most valuable piece of information I have learned when it comes to weight loss is that no matter what type of foods or diet you are on (Vegan, Paleo, Weight Watchers, South Beach) it all comes down to calories. We lose weight when we have a calorie deficit (3,500 calorie deficit per week = 1lb weight loss per week). Weight Watchers is what I used to lose 80lbs on and I'm happy about that but since then I've gained 20lbs of it back due to my own eating and not being diligent about balancing my intake with my calorie burn. I'm a person that needs to know the hard facts so I've decided to count my calories and get a personal trainer (Jillian Michael) to take out the guess work of weight loss. There are many apps out there and I've decided to use Jillian Michael's app. Why? because I love her video examples and the workout plans that are set up for me (there are always modifications for each exercise). [I've also tried free apps and while this one is a paid subscription it seems to be the most complete and easiest to use]There is also a food diary to keep track of my calories based on my BMR and it factors in my calories burned doing Jillian's workouts (there's also varying levels to choose from in the workouts and I'm trying level 2 based on my current level of fitness). I find the app very user friendly and very easy to customize. I'll keep you all updated on my progress here at Sonya's Losing It.

Current weight 152lbs
Target weight 130lbs

Miss Mocha

2013-04-03T12:11:00.001-04:00

I was planning on this post being about how I gained 6lbs over the loss of our dog Java and how I'm now working on losing that weight. However I just got back from the vets and I find it helps to write so here I am. I am writing this blog post as I sit on my couch with a cup of coffee, my laptop and my 7 yr. old who's sitting next to me sucking on a lollipop and watching a program on Netflix.

Today isn't a teacher work day or a holiday but a day I am giving my son to help him grieve. We had to euthanize our dog Mocha this morning (the second of two dogs in three weeks - Java was euthanized three weeks ago).

When Java passed it felt a little less painful as we had Mocha to come home to. Now there are no dogs in our home and it feels a little less lively and a little more quiet. It was hard walking into our home and not having either Mocha or Java there to great us. It's going to be difficult over the next few days as I find dog toys or as I walk past the dog bed that sits in our living room. Dinner time is going to feel a little more empty. Mocha used to lay down underneath the dinner table waiting for food to fall and hit the floor (dogs are great at picking up spills and food from kids).

I think back to the days when my husband and I first got Mocha. My husband and I had been dating for a year and lived together. We got Mocha (and Java) from a breeder in Pennsylvania. At the time a lot of breeders didn't have websites but we went to one of the few that did and the closest breeder I liked was in Pennsylvania so we went on a road trip. We checked out the breeder's set up and where the dogs were housed (the last thing I wanted to do was purchase a dog from a puppy mill). Some weeks later when she was ready to go we picked her up and drove her home. On the way home she refused to sit in the cardboard box lined with a comforter. Mocha wanted to be with us in the front seat. She spent the entire ride home on the arm rest between us or on the floor of the car behind my seat. She always loved being with us where ever we were. When ever we came home she was always there to greet us and made for a good watch dog.

Mocha's personality was very different than Java's. Mocha was calmer than Java and beyond focused when it came to retrieving anything. My father in law would try to kick a tennis ball past her and she was on it before you could blink. She would have made a good goalie in hockey or soccer LOL!! She also loved playing catch with a Frisbee, swimming, car rides, and snagging any food she could reach on the counter or table. When it came to retrieving she would search for items in the woods via hand signal, voice command or by whistle. We would throw a couple tennis balls out in the woods and send them out to retrieve them. Mocha was very quick to find a tennis ball. She would circle around and then look at us and wait for a signal as to what direction she should go to next. After finding it we would then direct her to help Java find the other one and she always did. She was always really good at retrieving things like shoes and making lovies out of worn socks (we had to make sure everything was picked up).

Mocha was a very intelligent, funny, loving, food driven dog :-) When she was less than a year old and I was in college she would help me study. She would get up on the couch, lay down and put her paws on the notebook or book I was reading. She was trying to tell me: 'I'm here!' in the most subtle of ways. In her older years when I had my children she was the most gentle loving dog (Java too) and was so patient with them. My boys were sometimes rough with her when they were toddlers and she never minded.

I remember when I was pregnant with my first born. Mocha would come up to me and sniff my belly (something she never did before). She new something was going on. After I had my baby shower I spent time taking the tags off of baby clothes and blankets. Upon my return of putting the tags in the trash she laid on top of the pile of towels, blankets, clothes and fell asleep. Something she had never done before and had never done since then in all my years of folding laundry.

There are so many great memories of her and I plan to carry them with me. We will be honoring her death and Java's with a ceremony at home as a family. We will miss her always.

Contemplating

2013-03-29T15:50:00.001-04:00

Thought For Today:
My choices will change my world
and it's up to me to make
the right choices.

This morning I awoke to my alarm at 6 am. I got up used the bathroom and then stood in my bedroom contemplating if I was going back to bed. I decided to lay back down and then my mind started cycling ahead about the consequences of going back to bed. My plans were to attend the 7 am spin class at the local gym. I then started thinking about how bad I would feel if I didn't go to the class. Not going would lead to not feeling great about missing the class which would then lead to falling into food temptations. I'm an all or nothing type person (something I'm working on changing) and not going to spin would turn into a tailspin of eating - "why not eat everything?" - I said to myself. I would either go all the way with exercising and eating well or I wasn't going to do any of it. The last time I didn't eat well I gained 6 lbs over the loss of my dog Java. With weight gain I really feel the consequences in my running and exercise. I run really s l o w and my stamina isn't where it used to be. My body has to work that much harder to move when carrying that extra weight.

I then got out of bed and stood in my room saying in my mind: "should I or shouldn't I?".

I finally made the decision that I was going to go to spin.
And I did.
And it was worth it.

And as always I never regret doing a workout. EVER.

Today was a small victory or a step in the right direction and I'm just going to keep going .....

No matter what!

Lovely, Lively Java

2013-03-12T22:03:00.002-04:00

Today (Monday March 11th) I made the hardest phone call ever. I had to schedule an appointment to have our beloved Java euthanized today.

All of this started late Thursday afternoon. She was limping and lifting her right rear leg. We initially thought it might be a sprain so we gave her an aspirin and decided to call the vet early the next morning. At 2 am we awoke to her whimpering as she was trying to stand so my husband picked her up and brought her outside to do her 'business'. There were 6 inches of snow on the ground at that time and the snow was still falling. I watched from the window as she hopped around on three legs to find her 'spot'. She eventually 'hopped' out of sight so I waited by the door for her. I waited 10 minutes and didn't see her return so I started to worry. Our property is thickly wooded with forest behind our home and it was anyone's guess as to where she was. I put on my boots and coat and headed outside to find her. Thankfully with the snow I was able to follow her tracks and see my way with the contrast of white from the snow. She ended up hopping her way into the woods and I found her laying down. My husband picked her up and brought her inside. Later that morning we called the vet and got an appointment for later that afternoon as we figured the roads would be relatively safe to travel (we got a total of 15 inches of snow so there was a lot of clean up work).

A very old picture of my 'old body'
with Java as a puppy.

The vet was great at explaining to us and our boys what was going on with Java in kid friendly terms. We looked at Java's x-ray and learned that she had arthritis in her spine and a pinched nerve as a result of the arthritis in her spine. Because of her age and condition an operation was out of the question. The only option was steroids to help her pinched nerve and we would see how she was on Monday. Of course Monday arrived and there's no improvement. Something I'm saddened by but understand as she is 14 yrs old.

I've been eating a lot during the last several days for comfort due to stress and sadness. As I sit here typing our beloved family dog Java lived her last day and will be forever missed. She is a 14 year old chocolate lab and is one of two family pets (our other dog is Mocha). Her last days were spent being lavished with attention and food. My husband went out and bought a steak and grilled it for her. I gave her lots of dog cookies smothered in peanut butter. We wanted to keep her as comfortable as possible and gave her lots of loving attention.

The phone call was the hardest thing to do this morning. Making an appointment to have a friend and family member euthanized is by far the hardest emotional experience I've ever had in my 40 1/2 years of life. We are all sad and the last few days have been difficult. My 7 yr old was crying on and off this weekend and he made the decision to go with us to see Java euthanized. The vet that we brought her to was very kind. She gave Java one shot to sedate her. While she was sedated we had our time and privacy to say goodbye. The second injection was what stopped her heart. It was a peaceful passing. She is no longer in pain.

I have so many memories of her over the past 14 years. My husband and I got both our dogs when we were living together before marriage and kids. I tell my boys that our girls Mocha and Java were mommies first babies with four legs :-).

Java's character was very unique. Besides her 'stuffed animal like' soft silky coat she was a dog that was the eternal puppy that often had a 'dear in the headlights' kind of look in her eyes. She also had 'a tail that wagged the dog'. Her body wiggled seemingly uncontrollably when we would come home. She also loved to play fetch and swim. She was a dog that loved to dive to the bottom of streams, lakes, and ponds looking for rocks. She was a 'scuba dog'. It was a behavior she learned on her own. She would surface dive and come out of the water with a rock the size of her head. Many times the rock was so heavy her rear legs would lift off the ground as she pranced her way out of the water with her new found treasure. She was also known as the escape artist in the family. The funny part about being an escape artist is she had a very unassuming expression. She had an 'empty headed look' in her eyes but she was our little Houdini. She escaped from every pen we ever put her in (The Invisible Fence we finally ended up getting is 100% dog proof ). Besides digging under a fence she could also scale a chain link fence and jump over the top as she got close to the top rail. She also had the talent of being able to climb a latter and would retrieve anything via hand command, verbal command or by whistle in any terrain or environment. One of the funniest memories I have of her is she shredded one of our coffee table books: 101 Uses For A Lab. She was a 'one of a kind dog'. Other mischief she used to get into was digging holes in my garden and eating flower bulbs that I planted. Nothing seemed to be off limits when it came to her appetite. Probably the most odd thing she ever ate was gypsum board. She dug and clawed at the walls in the finished basement of the duplex we lived in years ago. She almost made it to the neighbors on the other side. I can only imagine what our neighbor was thinking when he heard grinding and scratching on the other side of the wall. I had visions of her one day making it through and popping her head out the other side. Kind of like Jack Nicholson in the movie The Shinning. Needless to say my husband and I became experts at patching gyp board. One other odd thing she ate (along with her accomplice Mocha) was a cantaloupe. I purchased a cantaloupe and placed it on the counter for safe keeping (so I thought). When I went to go slice it up I couldn't find it anywhere in the kitchen. I did however find the evidence in the living room. No rind and no stains or juice on the carpet just three little seeds. Last but not least she had an odd but funny behavior of licking feet. Every night she would go into my sons room and lick his feet - something my 7 yr old enjoyed and now misses at bedtime.

Our first born enjoying Mocha and Java.

The house is more quiet and a little less lively now. I have memories of her mixed in with a boat load of sadness. I never realized how sad it could be to lose a family member and a friend of the K9 variety. When we first had our dogs I had in the back of my mind what it would be like when they were gone and I would get choked up. It's something that I'm sure every dog owner thinks about and is the one downside of dog ownership. Knowing that someday you are going to have to say goodbye. Goodbye to a friend that has been there for you unconditionally for many years and was always there to greet you when you come home with their tail wagging uncontrollably while they sing to you in a dog like whimper because they are so excited to see you. Anything can happen in a moment of time and I feel like I'm in a state of disbelief that everything seemed to happen so quickly from the time she fell ill to the time she passed away. In about a week we will be able to pick up her ashes that will be in a pottery urn with an impression of her paw on it. I'm looking forward to getting it to bring home.

A few positive things things I can gather from this experience is the strength and love of my 7 yr old and of my husband. My 7 yr old opted to be with Java in her last moments and of course cried and was sad but in a very mature way (our 3 yr old wasn't emotionally mature to handle witnessing it in my opinion). We were there together crying and holding one another. Getting through that painful moment as we will continue to do so as time passes on. My 7 yr old has Java's funeral planned and wants to have a family party in her honor and wants to decorate a stone to put in our garden because he said it would be beautiful. In addition he wants to put together a memory board with pictures of her for display at the party. It's only been a short time since Java's passing and my 7 yr old is very upset at times and finds moments of difficulty in school as he feels overwhelmed with sadness (much the way I've been feeling along with my husband). I'm so lucky to have amazing sensitive children that are ok with expressing their emotions and sadness. We will always love her and miss her. Our friend, our family member, our lovely, lively Java. Our memories of her will be with us always.

A New Look

2013-03-05T17:44:00.002-05:00

It's a new look for my blog today. Time for a change I say. Hope you like the new look and thank you for taking the time to read. I have received many nice complements in the form of people sharing their struggles with me. So many people are struggling with weight/health and or depression.

People have read this blog from all over the world: USA, China, Ukraine, Canada, Sweden, UK, Germany, Israel, Russia, Australia, Lithuania, France.... and the list goes on.

I originally started this blog as a weight loss blog and as my life has changed so has some of my focus. I'm still focused on weight loss, health and wellness but now I also have depression and it's aftermath to deal with. I'm looking forward to this being a distant memory while learning a few things along the way.

Thank you for reading, sharing and being a part of my journey.

Thank you.

The Bad News and The Good News

2013-03-04T07:54:00.000-05:00

The bad news: I gained .6 lbs last week.

The good news: I only gained .6 lbs last week after all the temptations I indulged in last week.

In my recovery process with depression it's slow going it seems. The feeling of "will I ever feel back to normal?". Unfortunately my old 'normal' is part of what got me in this mess to begin with. The all or nothing approach. When things feel difficult it's because I am not working hard enough. I need to be methodical and perfectionistic about my goals in order to succeed. If however I do fail I can say I did everything I could have and I am not to blame for lack of success (but of course I always find some way to blame myself for not succeeding rather than accepting my failure). The good side of having this type of behaviour/way of thinking is most people are successful in achievements (an 'internal locus of control'). Something I learned in my outpatient program. The bad side of this for me however is the self judgement I have if I'm not successful.

So how does this tie into weight loss?

It's that method of thinking that got me to lose 80lbs. I was very, very, very focused. Nothing and no one was going to stop me. Since my weight loss I've gained 14lbs and now I need to lose that weight again. My clothes are tight and my thighs are bigger (that's where my weight goes to first). My jeans are turning into muffin top pants when they were somewhat baggy at my old weight. I refuse to buy clothes in the next size up so I'm starting to try and focus my attention on weight loss again. This past week with the .6lb weight gain it's a small victory with all the liquid calories I drank one night and the cookies, brownies and cheese I ate at a family get together earlier last week. All of my workouts paid off and balanced out the scale so my weight gain was small.

A reminder to myself :-)

When it comes to depression I have less 'get up and go' and the intensity I used to have in my workouts is sub pare to say the least. I don't feel like I have the same intense focus like I did when I lost the 80lbs initially. But I need to get it back. That's what worked for me the first time so I'm hoping to be a success yet again. Weight loss is a never ending battle.

One pound at a time. No matter what.

Finish Every Day

2013-02-26T07:42:00.000-05:00

Finish Every Day

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Finish every day and be done with it.

You have done what you could.

Some blunders and absurdities

no doubt have crept in;

forget them as soon as you can.

Tomorrow is a new day;

begin it well and serenely

and with too high a spirit

to be cumbered with

your old nonsense.

This day is all that is

good and fair.

It is too dear,

with its hopes and invitations,

to waste a moment on yesterdays.

Today

2013-02-25T17:31:00.002-05:00

Depression is kicking my ass today.

I forced myself to go to the gym this morning when I would rather stay in bed.

I carried on a smile when I saw a familiar face this morning. While I enjoy seeing people I know and like I had moments of relief when I didn't bump into someone I new. Saying hi to someone would mean I would have to put on a mask with a smile. My legs felt like I had bricks attached to them as I ran 3 miles. I didn't want to run but I knew I would feel worse if I went home without that accomplishment. During my run after the first mile the endorphins kicked in and I felt 'ok' from that time until a little while after I finished my exercise.

So the big question is why am I getting my ass kicked today after doing so well for many weeks after the outpatient program? Not sure. There has been a change in my meds as of three weeks ago and I'm sure my hormones are affecting things on some level. One of the frustrations I have with meds is it can take several weeks (sometimes a couple months) for meds to take a full effect. So basically it's a waiting game. It's not uncommon for meds to be changed several times before finding the right combination.

We'll after having a 'nap' today I guess it's a good thing that I'm reaching out and writing. I thought about writing and how it could be my own personal therapy (that I just happen to share with the universe :) ). I had a social engagement tonight but I'm canceling on going (sorry friends I know you'll understand). I just want to be glued to the couch and in the comfort of my husbands arms and maybe a movie tonight after the kids are in bed.

Right now depression is kicking my ass. Tomorrow is a new day.

PS - On weight loss - I've gained a few lbs over the last few months and was close to bursting out of my clothes. I started getting serious with my diet and exercise and lost 1.8lbs this past week.

Bread and Milk with Ice Cream

2013-02-11T15:32:00.001-05:00

At home taking a few minutes to write this blog post and checking in. My boys are keeping busy running around the house driving me crazy! Today school was canceled in light of the freezing rain after all the snow that fell over the weekend (27" in my town). Our pantry is stocked because I did some shopping before the big snowstorm on Thursday. Yesterday I stopped at the store to get some more fruit along with bread and milk. The bread was Challah bread one of my favorites and requires no butter or jam. Yummy and addictive indeed!

I found this video and I laughed out loud! So true to New England! Whenever there is a pending storm everyone rushes to the grocery store for bread and milk as if it were armageddon and they would have no food to eat for days if it snowed for one day. When I went to the grocery store I circled the parking lot three times to get a parking space and then I waited outside in the front of the store for someone to be done with using their grocery cart.

Enjoy this clip:

When it comes to my mental health in general I've been feeling better. I feel more alive than I've felt in a long, long, long time. I'm smiling more. I feel like I'm starting to really enjoy life again. The bad moments are feeling less so in frequency and intensity. Emotions however are creeping up on me from my past. Just when I'm in the 'all clear' an emotion or a memory pops into my head that's not so pleasant. The emotion or memory is from a long time ago but I can't attach anything specific to it. The best example I can come up to explain my experience: a person is about to taste mint chocolate chip ice cream. Upon tasting they recall that flavor sensation of cold creamy mint/chocolate ice cream but can't remember the original experience of it. It feels like a part of a distant past and there are no other memories attached to it other than the flavor sensation. That is something I've experienced recently only it wasn't a pleasant sensation or feeling and I'm not sure how to make sense of it all. I think it's my brain starting to 'let in' some of the things that were perhaps pushed into my subconscious. I'm guessing as I feel better I may have more of these 'memories/sensations' come up for me. While I was in the outpatient program a little over a month ago one of the therapists talked about abuse and how long it takes to process. He said on average it can take someone 10 years before they can even speak of a child abuse experience. It can be a long process and I'm getting the impression it comes in spits and spurts. Kind of like a car that drives fine for about 80% of the time and 20% of the time stalls, bucks and sputters every now and again. It kind of reminds me of a rider on a horse only the horse isn't always calm. One minute the horse is running fine with the rider on its back and the next minute the horse is trying to throw the rider off like in a rodeo. Seemingly without any warning.

One of the things I've found in the outpatient program is I'm not the only one who has experienced childhood sex abuse. While not everyone has the same identical experience there are many people who have gone through something similar in their childhood. I am not alone. Does my experience with abuse define me? In many way no but in some ways it's all too present. Like that feeling of having had mint chocolate chip ice cream but I can't remember where, when, or how. In this case however the ice cream wasn't really mint chocolate chip it was something rather bitter. I guess you can't have the sweet without the bitter. That's what makes the mint chocolate chip ice cream all that more sweeter and enjoyable.

A Chocolate Kind of Day

2013-01-28T20:32:00.001-05:00

Today was a bad day.

I slept for 6 hours strait last night and during those 6 or so hours I had one long never ending night mare. It was one of those dreams that I very rarely if ever have. In my dream I was running from someone who was trying to physically harm me only this time I'm also trying to protect my children from being hurt. In my dream I was always running from harm or running to my children to save them. I didn't feel rested only exhausted when I awoke this morning at 5am but I managed to toss and turn and fall in and out of sleep for a few hours. In general last night was a bit of a surprise for me sleep wise but I guess I was already heading in that direction. The last five evenings I've been able to sleep for 7 hours (my body requires 8). As a result I've been in a sleep deficit.

After getting my boys off to school I set a timer to get a short nap in before my therapy appointment. It was not the best appointment. I wanted to desperately lay down on the couch in the office but I knew once my head hit the pillow I would probably fall asleep so I propped myself up with some pillows and closed my eyes for a few seconds here and there to take some strain off of keeping my eyes open. It was really hard to focus and think clearly. I wasn't prepared for my appointment as I had the date/time mixed up in my mind and as a result I almost missed my appointment. In my appointment I had expressed the feelings of being a failure as a mom, wife, individual. I feel consumed with the sense of being lost. Like being in a dessert with nothing around me as far as I can see. Standing there wondering if I will ever find my way out of the dessert and back to civilization fully functioning as a fulfilled happy self. I can't go back to where I was a few months ago: over-scheduled, obsessive, perfectionistic. That will only lead me back to square one when I was at my lowest. What makes it so daunting to find my way out of the dessert is my lack of short term memory and my ability to mentally process things at a normal speed. For me things are slowed way down and my anxiety is up! The smallest of things feel like the biggest of mountains. As I'm trying to find my way out of the dessert of major depression I have a couple of bags on my back that are labeled: being a good mom, being a good wife. Today I feel like carrying those bags with me is impossible. Some of that is because mixed in those bags is self criticism and feeling guilty for being less than 100%. In every marriage people 'take their turn' in the 'in sickness and in health' but for someone like me who has always been strong/independent it's really hard to not only ask for but accept help without guilt. I feel like my husband and children deserve better than what I have to offer them right now but those are the cards I have to work with.

I made it through my appointment and headed home to catch another nap before my boys got home from school.

My appetite today wasn't the greatest. I just wanted to sleep so I just ate what I felt like I could stomach.

For breakfast: 1 piece of Cinnamon Raisin Eziekel Food For Life Bread toasted

For Lunch (I was craving veggies): spinach w clementine, goat cheese and balsamic vinegar

And then chocolate came into the picture :-)

Snack:
Chocolate Oatmeal
Chocolate Almonds
Chocolate Chips (Ghiradelli Bittersweet Chocolate Chips)

For dinner: 3 Chocolate Chip Cookie Pancakes (loaded with: pb chips, bittersweet, semisweet, milk, white chocolate chips) - I guess I would call these my PMS pancakes :-)

After dinner snack:
Chocolate Oatmeal

Chocolate is where I'm at today and I'm ok with that. :-)

It's a chocolate kind of day.

The Will To Exercise

2013-01-19T12:41:00.003-05:00

As I write this post my glutes (aka butt muscles) are feeling a little sore and I know it's going to be somewhat difficult going down stairs later today into tomorrow. As I was leaving the gym and walking down the stairs my quads (the frontal portion of my legs) were tightening up even after spending lots of time stretching.

Today was my first workout in 13 days. At the beginning of last week I came down with the flu and then it turned into a sinus infection. In addition I some residual 'stuff' in my lunges so I'm not 100% when it comes to running. Our muscles require oxygen from the lungs. If a person has a chest cold there can be a compromise to the amount of oxygen that is getting to the muscles. That is why it's important to rest so the body can focus on healing itself (use all it's resources to fight off the virus).

I managed to get a light workout in. OK maybe a little more than a 'light workout'. I pushed myself a little but not for a long period of time. I was mindful of how my body was feeling during my workout.

My workout today consisted of:

30 per leg of pendulum lunges:

Reverse superman (15 second holdings, 6x):

Squats x30:

Rock Star Jump x30
I couldn't find a good video for this online so I'll write the description.
1. Have feet shoulder width apart.
2. Jump in place and try to kick your own butt with your heels :-)

Leg Lifts x100 per leg:

Inner Thigh Leg Lift x100 per leg:

Push ups with exercise ball x20:

Push-Ups With Feet On An Exercise Ball Bodybuilding.com

Before I did my workout getting to the gym was not easy. I was certainly lacking in motivation. I find one of the things about depression that's most disheartening is my lack of interest in things. I kind of feel 'flat' and somewhat withdrawn. I find however once I get out and start moving I feel better. One of the benefits of exercise is the endorphins and I try to keep that in mind when I'm not motivated. I 'went through the motions' of going to the gym this morning even though I didn't feel interested in going (something that can be hard to do even if a person is not depressed). It's kind of sad in a way as I used to look forward to going to the gym all the time and now I could care less. I'm hoping what I used to enjoy comes back to me sometime soon. On the upside of things I do have glimmers of hope where I get the urge to go clothes shopping or out for a hike. That's when I feel like my old self. I grab hold of those moments and run with it while enjoying that moment. Eventually I think the good moments will only multiply over time. I think eventually as I 'go through the motions' things will come back. Even if I'm only faking it for now.

A Beautiful Day!

2013-01-17T12:44:00.000-05:00

Went on a hike this morning with a few friends and enjoyed some sunshine and beautiful scenery.... What living is all about.

Today Is A Good Day

2013-01-16T14:21:00.000-05:00

I slept a lot yesterday (had three naps for a total of 3 1/2 hours of sleep during the day) and last night I fell asleep on the couch at 9:30pm and slept till 8am.

I awoke this morning to 4 inches of snow outside and there was a message on the answering machine that school was canceled for my boys. As I went for a cup of coffee (decaf) I noticed my oldest was wearing his pajamas inside out because he heard from his teacher that it could bring good luck for not having school today. Oh how I wish life were that simple.

After breakfast my boys and I got geared up to go outside and clear some snow off the driveway. Thankfully we have a snowblower so it made for light work. However scraping the driveway clean was laborious as the snow was wet and heavy. I guess you could say that was my workout for today.

After an hour or two outside I came in and decided it was time to clean the house (ok the main living area). I was going crazy at the clutter, toys and dust bunnies that were everywhere. I felt like our home was under attack by all this 'stuff'. When clutter and 'stuff' gets under my skin I will stop at nothing until it's all in order. I tend to be an all or nothing person. I had both boys help by picking up there toys and drawings off the floor and table.

It's now 2:14 and I haven't had a nap. I have energy and it feels great!

Tomorrow I hope to enjoy some of the winter wonderland by going on a hike.

Today is a good day.

Living in Limbo

2013-01-15T18:42:00.002-05:00

A friendly reminder to myself :-)

I'm living in limbo so it seems these days. I ended my outpatient program a week and a half ago and today I'm finally starting to feel like I'm starting to live again. A couple days after my discharge I came down with the flu: fever, chills, aches, cough, congestion etc... so I had to cancel my therapy appointments and was house bound for days. Now I am nursing a sinus infection and I'm on antibiotics. I have not exercised in 9 days and I'm missing the endorphins!

Thankfully this week I've been getting out a bit and meeting up with people for coffee or lunch. I've also had people offer to help out with the kids or a meal and it's nice to have a network of people there for me. I truly am blessed and fortunate.

On the subject of sleep the last three days I have slept through the night (hooray!) however I still feel tired. This week is probably the first week that I really miss the program since I left 11 days ago. I'm now able to get out of the house this week and I wish my energy was being spent participating in the program (even though I was ready to leave). It was such a safe environment. Everyone in the program from the therapists to the psychiatrist and those in treatment were so supportive, kind and yet challenging at the same time. I learned some things about myself that no one else has pointed out to me before. I will never forget what I learned there (ok with my short term memory it's possible to forget what I learned/experienced but thankfully I wrote everything down).

My mood today is melancholy. I had lunch with an old friend and it was nice but in general I'm not feeling energetic. Overall I'm feeling a sense of loss. A sense of loss for what I could/would be doing if I wasn't sick. I'm stuck in this time warp of wanting to be 'back to normal' but I won't be for a while. My goal is to be back in school this fall and until then I feel like my life is on hold. I try to remind myself that how I feel in this moment (tired, lost, hopeless) won't last forever. It's really hard to go from training for a marathon and pushing myself to do really well in school to just mentally gearing myself up to go to the store. Today the smallest of things feel like mountains and while I force myself to do the smallest of things I feel exhausted. It feels like no amount of sleep will ever be enough. I'm feeling disappointed in myself. In my earlier post I wrote out a wish to take ice skating lessons. Unfortunately I got sick with the flu so I missed the sign up period and even if I hadn't I feel like I would be pushing myself too hard too soon. I have a fear of falling and hurting myself on the ice and that makes me anxious and stressed so I'm going to table ice skating for now.

My goal for this week is to hopefully be back in the gym by Friday. But if I don't I don't. I need to keep reminding myself every day is different and I need to remember that if I'm having a bad day it's only in the hear and now and it won't last forever. Looking forward to a brighter day and I'll keep working on mastering the limbo.

The Biology and Psychology of Depression and an Analogy

2013-01-06T10:59:00.001-05:00

In the outpatient program I attended there were some presentations on anxiety and depression by the psychiatrist and I found them most helpful. Unfortunately I don't have those presentations committed to memory but thankfully I took notes. Thankfully online I found an excellent lecture about depression. With my memory not serving me so well these days I have found this lecture to be most helpful as I can replay it again and it's like watching something new! LOL!!!

Stanford Professor Robert Sapolsky about the biology and psychology of depression.

"Stanford Professor Robert Sapolsky, posits that depression is the most damaging disease that you can experience. Right now it is the number four cause of disability in the US and it is becoming more common. Sapolsky states that depression is as real of a biological disease as is diabetes."

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A great analogy about what it's like to have an 'invisible illness'. Spoons!

But You Don't Look Sick? The Spoon Theory.

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/wpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/02/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf

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An image I saw online today and so true!

My Short Term Memory (or lack there of)

2013-01-05T15:29:00.000-05:00

It can be frustrating to say the least while having this 'invisible illness'. I call it invisible because it's different than someone who broke an arm or a leg or had an operation. I'm not walking around in a cast, on crutches, my arm isn't in a sling and I'm not recovering from surgery. Many people who are going through depression and or anxiety look like anyone and can be anyone. [Note: If anyone from the program is reading this no worries as I won't be sharing names or personal details of your situation in my blog posts. I will be talking in generalities.] Before I became ill I thought I had an idea of what it meant or what it would feel like to be 'depressed' - boy was I wrong!

The people in the program I attended were from all ages and walks of life. Ages ranged anywhere from early 20's on up to the 70's. Occupations of the people in the program: therapists/social workers, teachers, business owners, executives, college students, stay at home moms. On my first day of the program I was scarred, anxious and depressed. I didn't know how I would be received by others in the program or if I would be welcomed. I quickly found out that everyone feels that way on their first day and that was one of the first things I talked about during group. I felt accepted and welcomed by the group right away. Thank you! <3

One of the things I quickly found out that I had in common with others in the program was lack of memory. Lack of short term memory. I found myself asking people the same questions about themselves and not realizing it. Fortunately the people I was talking to had memory issues to, so they didn't seem to mind much as they probably forgot I asked the question before :-) In some ways it's kind of comical. In my day to day life at home with a lack of short term memory..........

We were putting Christmas decorations away and I noticed a box of teddy bear ornaments in a box. I told my husband 'we forgot to put these on the tree'. My husbands reply: 'they were on the tree'.

Another embarrassing moment happened only this time in a social situation: I bumped into the same person twice within a span of two days and completely forgot I saw them once already. I then started asking them how their holidays were and as they started talking I kind of started to remember seeing that person the day before. I then asked them 'did we have this conversation a day ago?'. The reply: 'yes' :-)

On the subject of memory and where do I put things? I lose things all the time or forget where I put something within the span of two minutes. I used to sometimes forget where I put something down (before the illness) now I forget most of the time where I put things, who I've talked to, what I've said. I had dinner with a friend last night and within the span of 10 minutes I told her two times about some good news about a mutual friend. My friend jokingly said: 'you most certainly do have a short term memory problem!'

This morning I lost my phone/forgot where I put it at the gym. Thankfully someone turned it in and they found me in the gym to give it to me. Check plus for getting a workout in today and thank you to my friends for meeting me there!

If any of my friends or family are reading this right now please be patient and be sure to send me a signal that I've already talked about something. Perhaps a: 'I remember you saying that to me before' and try not to look at me like I'm crazy as I already feel crazy enough :-)

It's going to take some time to heal from all this but I will continue to get better with time. I'm also working on a strategy for when I leave the house to have a post it or a dry erase board with the following questions: Going to the gym? do you have your: cell phone, keys, water bottle, mp4 player, sneakers. Sounds silly but anything to help me get back into a 'normal mindset' is good for me. My family may just have to deal with a few post it notes around the house :-)

PS - Thank you to everyone for supportive comments and emails. It means so much to me and it is truly amazing how many people are going through this and yet no one talks about it! Time to stop the stigma! I've found many of us are 'invisibly ill'. There should be no shame in that. There should only be support.

Sonya 'Lost It'

2012-12-31T23:48:00.001-05:00

Well it's now after Christmas and before New Years as I write this post. I have been on hiatus for a long time on my blog. I've been spending some of my time thinking about what I was going to write. I have been through some difficult times starting back in late October. What I am about to write is very personal. I feel a little bit foolish for sharing this with everyone as most people don't share their 'business' never mind posting it in a blog. My hope in this post is to not have people feel sorry for me but that readers get an understanding for my situation and also an understanding of others who are going through something similar.

Taking a deep breath.

I am currently being treated for depression and anxiety and I'm almost finished with an intensive outpatient program at a local hospital (thankfully it's an amazing psychiatric hospital about 40 minutes from my home).

For those who are reading this and have either gone through a depressive episode or are being treated for depression I'm sure you 'get it'. When I say 'get it' I mean what it's like to not want to get out of bed in the morning because you don't have the will to get up (I have young children so not getting out of bed isn't an option); not sleeping well at night (being up for a couple hours in the middle of the night or having broken sleep); having what seems like no short term memory (asking your spouse the same question four times in a row for example) or no ability to mentally focus on anything beyond the basics (reading a book can be extremely mentally challenging or doing basic math and I can't tell you how many recipes I've screwed up that I normally could do blindfolded before I became ill). My spirits in general are up in that I smile but my 'zest for life' isn't there. I used to be super vigilant about working out 5 - 6x a week and now I'm lucky if I get two workouts in and they are less than 100% in the effort scale (on the upside the endorphin's during cardio is when I feel the most normal); eating is all over the map for me - I'm either chowing down on high carbs, eating really well or I don't eat because I feel nauseous. Unfortunately because I haven't been exercising like I normally do I'm gaining some weight : ( . Fortunately depression isn't 100% all bad all the time. I have moments where I feel really good aka normal and I start making plans for things I want to do or I go out and do something and I enjoy every minute of it... and then I crash ( feeling tired and hopeless) and then I'm reminded that depression has its ups and downs and to make long term plans to be set in stone right now isn't in my best interest. I'm hoping with the help of some medication tweaking, more talk therapy and time I will be 100% back to normal in 9 - 12 months.

How did I get 'here'?
I pushed myself too hard for too long to my breaking point. Things really started to snowball in October. I was training for the Philadelphia marathon and taking 6 credits (one of those was Exercise Physiology - and putting the pressure on myself to get all A's) in addition to being a stay at home mom to two young boys.
Mixed in with that are other stressors such as the death of a babysitter, losing power for 5 days (while trying to study for an exam and having my kids out of school for a few days), having a parent recovering from a stroke and finding out my childhood home was condemned.

In addition to the above mentioned earlier this year I sought out to find the person who abused me when I was 5. It was a neighbor who abused me for 1.5 years. I found him through the internet in August-Sept. but it ended up that he died last year as I found his death certificate. I was hoping to find him to confront him in some way and get closure. That's a subject for another post.

In September when school started I slowly started shutting out friends and social engagements to study harder and longer outside of my running/exercise. I stopped going to the grocery store for it would take too much time away from studying. I tend to be very methodical and focused (perfectionist and somewhat obsessive) when I set a goal which is good and bad. There has to be a balance. I was slowly falling into a depression. One of the symptoms of depression is inability to focus. I was spending more time on my school work and yet not getting as much work done. When it came to my studies my comprehension seemed to be suffering so to compensate I just pushed myself even harder. All of this was the 'perfect storm' which lead to feelings of not caring about anything anymore and not wanting to be here anymore. When I first started having thoughts of self harm I pushed them aside and ignored them. After about a week of having them I broke down and told someone because I didn't know if I had it in me to fight off the feelings and wanting to give into them. I'm thankful to have had that person I could confide in. Initially I didn't even share this with my husband as I was afraid of scaring him but have since realized he is there for me to lean on and is a huge support for me. One of the things I was asked at the hospital was what would keep me from harming myself? My answer: "My children. I could never leave them." I look at them smile and say to myself "How could I leave them? I could never give up those hugs." I love my children and would do anything for them. The thing I most feared was losing control of myself and not being around for my children. I know that when people do harmful things to themselves that the average person wouldn't do it is because they are ill and there mind 'takes over' and there is a loss of control. Loss of control is what I was afraid of.

What is it like for me living with depression and anxiety?
My symptoms vary from day to day with depression and anxiety (also vary by individual). In general I feel fatigued and disinterested in life in general (symptoms of depression). I have spurts of energy and that's when I feel the urge to get out of the house and meet up with a friend. If I go out in the evening I have to take a nap during the afternoon or there is no way I'll have the energy to go out. If I go out in the morning or afternoon it feels like I need a nap afterwords. It sounds kind of pathetic but my life has been reduced to doing the bare basics such as helping/spending time with my kids (doing the best I can), cooking a meal, and possibly getting a workout in or doing a household chore like grocery shopping. Anything beyond that for me right now feels exhausting and overwhelming.

On the subject of sleeping at night I take something right before bed that has a side effect of knocking one out and staying asleep for hours (If I didn't take that I wouldn't be getting any sleep) so I am getting plenty of rest. When it comes to anxiety it comes and goes. Sometimes I feel anxious about my future and how soon can I 'get back to normal' or I feel anxious around certain objects like wearing a certain necklace for example. Other times I have anxiety that seemingly comes from out of nowhere and I have a tightness in my chest or what feels like a shortness of breath that lasts for a few seconds to a few minutes.

So what are my plans now?
I will be done with my outpatient program at the end of this week and my plans are to take the spring semester off from school and try and set the bar of achievement really low. I plan on getting back to a more normal workout routine and getting back to 5 workouts a week instead of just doing my now 2 workouts per week. For treatment I'll be seeing a therapist in addition to a psychiatrist (talk therapy/CBT and medication is the best form of treatment for depression and anxiety vs. just one or the other).

My will list.
I will work on continuing to be a good mom to my boys.
I will accept what I can and can't do on any given day (that is going to be a difficult pill to swallow).
I will get some meditation in every day.

Short term wish list.
I wish to learn how to ice skate this winter by taking lessons with my boys.
I wish to be regular with my exercise: running, weights, spin and yoga.
I wish to maintain some level of being social.
I wish to accomplish at least one thing a day around the house.

Long term wish list for 2013.
Run a few more 5k's and maybe a half marathon.
Participate in a duathlon.
Take a few vacations - one with friends and one with family.

Support?
I'm thankful and very lucky to have such an amazingly supportive husband. He is my rock and continues to be so "in sickness and in health". I am also thankful to have supportive friends in my community. I've received offers to go out with people for a cup of coffee or a hike during the day. I also have my Saturday morning running group which is the cheapest therapy/group therapy around :-)

How can you support a friend or family member who has this illness?
Just be there for them and ask them if they would like to go out for a cup of coffee or have a visit with you. Another idea is to ask them what you can do for them: take them to a movie, drop off a meal, make a trip to the store for them, watch there little ones for a few hours etc...

Unfortunately depression isn't something a person can just 'snap out of'. If you are dealing with depression I hope you heal quickly. In closing I wanted to share with you something my husband did for me the other day. He made me a cup of tea and on the mug it read: "Courage does not roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

I will try again tomorrow no matter what.

PS - pardon any misspellings etc.... I'm sure I will find a few corrections as I'm writing with half a brain :-)

Comfort Food!

2012-10-10T15:13:00.000-04:00

Life has been crazy busy! For those who have noticed I haven't had a blog post since August.

So what am I up to?

Ran the Surftown Half Marathon in September and I'm training for my first marathon in Philadelphia PA to take place November 18th. I'm a part time student studying Health and Exercise Science - taking 6 credits and being a mommy to a 3yr old and a 7yr old.

So what does my typical day look like?

5:30 am breakfast and coffee with half and half. Breakfast now a days is a piece of Ezekiel 4:9 Raisin Bread toasted w PB2 and 1/4 of a banana sliced on top. 4 WW Points Plus

6:30 am workout (5-6x a week mostly running, sometimes biking and 2x a week I weight train in combo with calisthenics and core work.)

8 am second breakfast or sooner depending when I get done with my workout. Second breakfast is chocolate oatmeal :-) - Mix/mash together 1/2 banana, 1/3c rolled oats, 1c 40 calorie almond milk, 2TB cocoa powder (dutch processed and regular), 1/2tsp vanilla, 12 drops Stevia extract. Microwave for 4 minutes. 3 WW Points Plus

10:30 am snack. Apple slices with sprinkled cinnamon and 1 TB of walnuts. 1 WW Points Plus

Insert here: class time and study time while kids are in school.

Lunch at 12 pm. Wrap with a mixture of: 4 TB of hummus with 2 TB of buffalo wing sauce and 1 large carrot shredded. Add some greens and English cucumber. 6 WW Points Plus.

More homework/studying/reading.

Snack at 3pm. Chocolate Oatmeal :-) w some PB2 mixed in or 1 TB of walnuts. 4 WW Points Plus

Kids come home and I help with homework etc...

Cook dinner, eat, clean up then get in jammys and get kids ready for bed.

Evening Snack around 8:00pm. Apple with cinnamon and 1 TB walnuts 1 WW Points Plus

Study or do homework and if I'm lucky some one on one time with my husband.

Lights out by 9:30pm......

Next day do the same.

I feel like I'm constantly running figuratively and literally. Not to say that I'm complaining as everyone has a busy life but I notice a stark contrast in being a college student now as compared to 20 years ago. Now I'm very serious about my studies and yet I have less time than ever! It's funny when I was younger I thought I had no time then. Boy was I wrong!

Now onto the subject of comfort food :-)

Lots of apple chunks and chocolate chips.
Sounds like a weird combo but tastes delish!
Especially right out of the oven :-)

This time of year brings back memories of my grandmother and her famous Apple Cake (and her apple pies of course). My grandmother had an amazing garden and in it a few Cortland apple trees. Cortland apples are my absolute favorite and make the best apple pies in addition to my grandmother's apple cake! Today I was thinking of my grandmother with the fall weather and how much I miss her. She passed away when I was a young teen and I hold some very fond memories of her. I thought it would be fun to share some of my grandmother experience with my 3 year old today (I don't have a pressing test or exam and feel like I'm caught up with my reading) and decided to whip up my grandma's apple cake with his help :-) I looked at the recipe and noticed that there is a good amount of oil in it and not to forget a lot of sugar (the last time I made this was about 2 years ago?). I decided I was going to modify it to have less sugar and very little fat if any. The fat would come from the eggs and I decided to not use any vegetable oil.

Here is my grandmother's original recipe:

Apple Cake (The flavor of this cake reminds me of a chocolate chip cookie :-)

2 c flour
1 c sugar
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp vanilla
2 eggs
1 c vegetable oil
2 large apples cut in chunks (cortland)
1/2 c raisins
1 c chocolate chips

1. Mix dry ingredients and wet ingredients in separate bowls then mix together.
2. Bake in a greased tube pan at 350 degrees for 1 hour.

Here is my skinny version of grandmas recipe:

Apple Cake (skinny version)

2 c white whole wheat flour
1/2 c sugar
1/2 c stevia
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp cinnamon
2 tsp vanilla
2 eggs

1 c unsweetened apple sauce
1/3 c of unsweetened almond milk
2 large apples cut in chunks (cortland)
1/2 c raisins
1 c chocolate chips

1. Mix dry ingredients and wet ingredients in separate bowls then mix together.
2. Bake in a greased tube pan at 350 degrees for 1 hour.

My family loved this!!! I sliced it into 8 generous servings, 9 WW points plus per serving. Yummy with a glass of almond milk!

I hope you love this cake as much as my family does! Happy Fall!

Cotton Candy!

2012-08-30T16:23:00.001-04:00

Just purchased these as a treat for my sons (these are expensive but healthy and yummy). Grapes that taste like cotton candy. Genius!

The Weight Loss High

2012-07-31T14:58:00.000-04:00

'Weight loss high' is a term I use when I describe what it's like to lose weight. It's a high I had experienced while in the midst losing all that weight. It was a feeling of nothing getting in my way and almost being invincible. When I lost the weight for the first year I didn't go to any groups or meetings. I logged my food in a journal, counted my WW points and exercised. Every Monday morning was like Christmas morning for me. I couldn't wait to see what the number was on the scale. I averaged 2lbs a week weight loss for many weeks.

Fast forward to today: I've 'lost the weight' and I'm in maintenance mode or I should be. I gained 10lbs and now I'm trying to lose them again! Maintenance is hard because the weight loss 'high' is gone. The 'high' during weight loss is a nice distraction and it feels great. I kept thinking I wonder when I'll fit into the next size down in jeans?

Without the distraction of the weight loss high is when the really hard work begins. The initial shock people have when you lose 80lbs goes away and it's no longer 'new'. It's difficult finding something new to replace the high and committing myself on a whole different level. Food has always been my crutch but it can't be my crutch anymore. It's about working through my emotions instead of stuffing them down - the high I used to have was enough of a distraction that the emotions didn't seem to matter at the time. However the emotions/stress seem even more of a distraction than ever with the absence of that 'weight loss high'. Unfortunately food has always been my 'drug of choice' and old habits die hard when your in the thick of things.

I'm still here and I'm still fighting. I've received a message or two from people asking if I'm still blogging and I am. I'm here working harder than ever - no matter what!

Rescue Food from your Local Dumpster!

2012-07-13T13:47:00.004-04:00

A lot of people feel that there's not enough food to go around in this country but I've watched, witnessed and participated in something that says otherwise. It's more about distribution of food than food produced.

Several months ago I watched the movie DIVE on Netflix. The video clip below is a preview of the movie:

A friend of mine sent an email asking for help. She volunteers in the community by bringing food from a few of the local grocery stores or warehouse club to the local soup kitchen. She was going to be out of the country for a few months and needed people to cover the days she would have normally been doing all the shuttling of the food from the store to the soup kitchen. I volunteered along with several other people to pick up food a couple days a week as it worked out with the schedules of driving kids to camp, vacations etc....

It was one thing to see a movie about the food waste in this country but to see it in person blew me away! Monday of this week I had to bring my son to camp so I wasn't able to do the food drop so my husband volunteered to do it for me. Today (Friday) my husband wanted to help me out so we made it a family activity. We went to the local warehouse club and two words: Oh MY! There were 4 large carts worth of breads, croissants, muffins, fresh veggies (many organic), fruit and lots of meats/poultry (a lot of it was organic).

We made two trips to the food shelter/soup kitchen because it was impossible to fit all of it in our Jeep in one trip (and we stacked it to the ceiling).

Here are a few pictures of all the food that was picked up and delivered today:

First pickup was for breads and a few cakes.

Produce topped off the bread for the first load.

For the second load lots of meats and produce.

Note the dumpster to the left. If there were no volunteers
to transport the food then that's where the food would end up.

The question is how come so much food gets thrown out and why is there so much available to throw out?

We had a conversation with the employee at the club warehouse and they need to have 90% capacity on their shelves. Why? because if it's not on the shelf then that's a missed sale. We live in a society where we are used to getting what we want anytime we want it. This of course leaves a lot of excess waste and the day before or the date of a food expiration it's pulled off the shelf to be thrown out (if it's not already arranged to be brought to a soup kitchen/shelter/food bank).

So what happens at the local soup kitchen? When they have excess they then call other local food banks or soup kitchens to distribute the food via volunteers.

So what can you do? Check out your local grocery stores and food banks/soup kitchens and find out where all the food is going and what help they need. Then volunteer even if it's just for a couple days a year. It's for a good cause and it's a great learning experience for children as to how valuable food really is and where it should be going. In people's hungry bellies not the landfill!

A few facts:

Food waste beats every category!

From the US EPA ( http://www.epa.gov/osw/conserve/materials/organics/food/fd-basic.htm)

A few facts borrowed from the DIVE Website (http://www.divethefilm.com/facts-about-food-waste.aspx) :

Every year in America we throw away 96 billion pounds of food.

One half of all food prepared in the US and Europe never gets eaten.

The Department of Agriculture estimated in 1996 that recovering just 5 percent of the food that is wasted could feed four million people a day; recovering 25 percent would feed 20 million people. Today we recover less than 2.5 percent.

Dr. Oz Transformation Nation

2012-05-18T20:05:00.000-04:00

I went to the taping of the Dr. Oz's Transformation Nation today (show airs Wednesday May 23rd 4pm). It was a fun time.

So how did I get a ticket? I participated in the contest at the very end of my weight loss journey so my total weight loss for the contest was 5lbs however I lost 75lbs previous so my total weight loss has been 80lbs.

I received an email from the Dr. Oz show asking me if I would like to attend the taping. They were inviting those who participated in Transformation Nation to attend. I originally didn't have plans on attending as what fun would it be to go by myself with one ticket? Fortunately and luckily a friend of mine received the same email as she signed up for Transformation Nation so we went together.

The show is taped in NY, NY a short distance away from where the Today Show has their concert series in Rockefeller Plaza. On our way we saw Al Roker, and Usher who was performing on stage. I wanted to stay and watch but we need to be on time for the taping of Dr. Oz.

We had a great time laughing in the studio and the person in charge of keeping the audience entertained was hilarious (I'll edit this post when I can remember his name :-). I was crying I was laughing so hard. No accident that he's a comedian :-) He spent some of his time razzing Dr. Oz in between takes and it was nice to see that Dr. Oz didn't take himself too seriously.

It was pretty exciting to see the contestants/finalists in person and to be among other audience members who have made a change and commitment for a healthier lifestyle through diet and exercise.

There was something one of the contestants/finalists said that stuck in my mind and found to be so true but never quite could find the words to express it:

"Everyone has a switch" It's just a matter of finding that switch inside us and turning it on. Do whatever it takes to find that switch. That's what makes the possibility for change.

Finding that switch is something I've always searched for but had a hard time finding until two years ago. This is for keeps. This is for forever. No matter what this was my transformation.