Sophie Eggleton

FILMING WITH BBC3

2017-12-02T12:52:00.001+00:00

A few months ago now I got an email out of the blue from BBC3 saying they'd read an article I'd written about my battles with Acne and that they were planning a Acne episode for their 'Things Not To Say To Someone' series.

My initial response upon receiving the email was mixed. It's always a relief to find that people are still finding and reading your blogs, particularly old ones, and even more so in this very saturated blogging industry. I was chuffed that mine had obviously popped up in a search when they were researching for the video, I must be doing something right SEO wise then! Who knew!?

I was also pleased that they obviously thought that my blog was articulate enough that I might be able to word my story well enough to even be considered for the video.

Then the panic set in a little. Would I have to appear on the video without my usual level of make up masking. Would I be putting myself in the position of more scrutiny and trolling because of the water audience the BBC3 channel can reach? Would some people think my skin is gross, would others think my skin isn't quite bad enough to be worthy of speaking on the subject?

Would the stress of worrying about these things bring on a breakout?

The next step of the process was to have a phone convo with a lovely lady called Lynsey who wanted to ask some more questions, include some of the ones we might get on the day should we be chosen to take part in the video. We ended up nattering and giggling for over 40 minutes and I knew then if they decided to choose me I'd be in good hands and they'd treat us sensitively on the shoot day.

A few days later I found out it was going ahead and I started to mentally gear up for it. I knew I'd have to relive some memories of when people's thoughtless words about the state of my skin had really hurt me. I'd have to recall the name calling and the flippant comments said without malice that still sting and continue to do this well into my adulthood. In front of a crew of strangers too.

So the day arrived and I was feeling a bit fluttery in the belly in the same way you do whenever you out to embark on something slightly unknown. The talented artist and blogger Ella Master's was outside when I arrived and we went in together, I immediately felt calmer because although we weren't yet friends there was a familiarity there as I'd been seeing her face via social media for months. I was further relaxed when I found we would be paired together for the filming, and after a few minutes chatting I knew we were in the same place in terms of nerves and anxiety about the filming.

It was also a comfort that the filming crew were a team of lovely warm ladies that put us at ease and didn't push us to do anything we weren't happy with.

It took me a few minutes to feel completely relaxed, but in a short space of time I felt surprisingly happy talking about it all, I guess from the videos I make on my channel I'm fairly used to sharing if not oversharing, it was just weird to hear/see responses from real humans standing behind the camera this time. I also found it cathartic to talk about it with Ella, someone else who completely understand the devastating effect acne can have on your self esteem, ability to perform to your best in work or social situations, and have confidence in forming new relationships.

We filmed for an hour and it was a mixture of heart wrenching stories reliving times that we were hurt by thoughtless words of others, or recalling how it's effected our ability to make the most of situations due to crippling anxiety about it. Then some hilarity too when we shared to idiotic stuff we've done to try and hide or remedy it. Anyways I won't go into any more and just let you watch the video. Although I don't want to watch it or read the comments, I'm told I haven't completely humiliated myself, so that's good!

Tell me about how acne has affected you personally in the comments.

On Hiatus

2017-11-20T18:29:00.002+00:00

Hi guys, just a little message from me to say it's going to be a tad quiet on here for a couple weeks as I migrate from Blogger to Wordpress. I've been on the humble Blogger platform since the birth of blogging, back when I used it as a personal diary, one that I kept secret from everyone so I could vent about problematic housemates and boyfriends. Now that I'm starting to try and see my blog as a business venture as well I thought it was about time to step it up and get a bit more professional. Plus people have been telling me for yonks that it's time for me to make the big move, but I've just been a scaredy cat if I'm honest.

It will likely take this stuck in her ways old bird a bit of time to get used to Wordpress, so expect a fair few blogs with pictures in the wrong place and looking generally a bit wonky donkey. Be patient, I will persevere till I get the hang of it.

In the meantime there's regular vlogs going up on my YouTube channel, as well as the usual slew of Autumnal hues on my Instagram, so avert your eyes there for the meantime.

Thank you for everything you lovely lot, brb.

Polished London : Vegan Teeth Whitening Reviewed.

2017-11-14T13:19:00.001+00:00

When I was younger people always used to ask me if I’d whitened my teeth because they were always fairly bright. These occurrences would always make feel really nice (and a relieved if i’m honest), as an awkward teen who found it hard to find anything I liked about myself. The truth was I didn’t do anything particularly special, in fact I was relaxed (to put it lightly) when it came to maintaining my smile and being dentally conscious. I wouldn’t floss daily as recommended, and I still only floss the morning of my appointment with my dentist, who then congratulates me saying. ‘I can tell you’ve been flossing’. Sorry for the deception if you’re reading this!

I also didn't follow the rule that you should spend a minute and a half brushing your top and then the same for the bottoms. That always seems way to long a time to be spending in front of the bathroom mirror staring at your reflection complete with frothing mouth and melted make up. I was always a secret sweet eater too, grabbing Iron Brew chewy sweets from the shop outside school whenever I could sneak in a visit without my mum knowing. However I remember a lot of people wouldn’t let me languish and luxuriate in these compliments though, telling me that the whiter the teeth, the weaker the teeth. I still don’t know if that’s fact or myth but it certainly killed my temporarily massaged ego .

See how to use the kit from 16.50 onwards

My white teeth remained gleaming till my mid to late twenties no thanks to me, but in the last few years they’ve definitely noticeably dulled . I remember a thick sticky brown medicine I took, which also tasted revolting, seemed to have an unfortunate staining after-effect. I have also developed a bit of an addition to coke (the drink variety of course) which has added a but more yellow to my former bright whites. I don’t drink coffee, I don’t smoke, and I don’t really drink (aside from the odd Shandy, a holiday Mojito or Christmas Sherry) so I guess I turn to Coke for a bit of a boost when needed, which as someone with M.E is a few times a day.

Their yellow tinge has definitely made me feel a bit more self conscious about having my picture taken, which is fairly inconvenient as a blogger. It’s an added hurdle for someone who already struggles to put her image out there on a regular basis due to adult acne, and the unfortunate realisation that she doesn’t actually have a good side.

I used to be quite okay with how crowded and wonky they are too. I didn’t have braces, so didn’t think I had earned those perfectly even, regimented teeth soldiers. And when I look at other people with their more quirky teeth, I always think they’re cute or add character, so always hoped that mine could maybe fall into that category too. But since they’ve turned from an ivory to one closer to amber, I’ve found I’m less fond of their randomness. It’s like the different angles and directions of the teeth draw more attention to the discolouring, and make the overall look of the teeth reminiscent of a Halloween denture.

I’ve tried a few things in recent years including whitening toothpastes and those Crest strips that I’ve got my American friends to bring over for me when they visit. The strips work well, but because they’re not sold over here I feel a bit worried that I’m doing some permanent damage whenever I’ve used them. There is also a bit of sensitivity after which isn’t great for someone who loves a glass of coke on ice.

So when I got an email through about Polished Teeth Whitening, I emailed the lovely PR back fairly swiftly to find out whether it was cruelty free because I was at the point of being desperate to get my former smile back but also trying to be a more ethical human. Hooray it was/is, and Vegan too. According to the promo material provided, Polished Sonic Teeth Whitening Kit is 100% safe and contains no harmful ingredients or abrasives. Unlike other at-home teeth whitening kits, this innovative device has 7 LED PULSING LIGHTS to work their magic and is considered the most advanced on the market, providing super intensity UV light to activate the signature whitening formula.

They recommend you have a rest period of at least a week between your 6 consecutive sessions. I personally would always choose to follow these instructions, because doing damage to your teeth for the sake of vanity is silly, we only get one adult set after-all. Plus with my finances how they are I certainly can’t afford multiple Dentist bills right now should something go wrong!

They also very kindly sent me the Polished Charcoal Teeth Whitening powder, which is made with premium activated charcoal. Containing a refreshing peppermint flavor and extracts of coconut; this product neutralizes mouth acids, lowers abrasivity whilst freshening breath without fluoride.

I’ve been in contact with charcoal a lot over my life, at brownies and Guides when on fire duty, at life drawing classes at Art School, and as an adult with crippling IBS related issues. When doctors were throwing all manner of random treatments at me, many which seemed to have no positive effect, charcoal would often be recommended, and it’s actually one of a few ‘treatment’s’ I was always okay with. It didn’t have a strong or unpleasant taste, or have any nasty side effects and even seemed to soothe my sore tummy. Similarly, despite the off-putting colour of black (black isn’t a colour but you know what I mean) it is actually completely inoffensive. If anything it’s got a subtle minty freshness about it and you quickly get out the counter intuitive nature of applying something dirt coloured in an attempt to lighten. You apply the charcoal by dipping in a dampened toothbrush. You then brush your teeth for 2-3 minutes. If you look in the mirror during the process you do have one of those ‘what the hell am I doing’ moments, then you begin to enjoy it and start pretending your some sort of horror movie character (maybe that’s just me). Before you know it it’s time to spit it out and see the staining removing effects of the Charcoal. Now I have to heed a warning at this part of the process. Be very measured with your spitting out, don’t propell the solution out of your mouth with any sort of velocity or you’ll end up what could be described as a unintentional but powerful piece of abstract art all over your bathroom sink. While I was admiring my pearly white my clean freak boyfriend was pulling his hair out at the monochrome carnage I’d left in our shared bathroom.

Back to the main kit now. When you open up the box it may look a bit intimidating with all those syringes, you think that it could maybe be a bit of a faff. It really isn’t, because they actually have everything ready to go for you. There’s very little you have to do before you can start your journey to brighter whiter teeth. It comes with a little instruction manual inside, although at first glance it wasn’t sure when I should be using the pen, so ignored that till I’d finished the 6 day course of syringed whitening.

The first time I used the syringed part of the kit, I did it all from my bed and chose to remove it from my mouth after the ten minutes was up, while still under the covers. I had no idea THAT much saliva would have been produced over the duration of time, my duvet was completely drenched with with the spit/whitening combination liquid. Lessoned learned. From that point onwards I headed to the sink whenever the time was up and it was the point at which you should remove from your mouth. After each usage its very easy to pull of the gum shield part of it to rinse off to clean so it’s good to go the next day. Another bonus of this treatment is that it forces you to have ten minutes to yourself to do something for you, and with our lives being so busy and with so many obligations to complete in our days it sometimes feels hard to justify this. Even with the mouth guard in you can still fire off those emails and reply to whatsapp messages even if you find it impossible to stop for a mere ten minutes though.

I didn’t feel any sort of sensitivity after my treatment, nor did it seem to have an adverse effect on the appearance or feel of my gums. I was very pleased with the results after the one week routine, and if the touch up pen doesn’t have a drastic enough effect moving forward, I wouldn’t hesitate to order another kit to carry out another 6 day process. You can buy refills for a very reasonable £14.99.

Talking of the pen, this is a very handy and compact piece of kit to maintain the level of white you've managed to achieve, and gives you the ability focus on certain teeth that may have more staining for whatever reason - I have a tooth that’s a bit set back from the rest and is slightly more yellow because it missed out of some brushing being so tucked away. It's small enough to easily pop in your travel bag too which is a bonus.

I of course can only speak about my own experience with my teeth, I can’t predict how yours would react, so If you have any worries or questions you should of course email the customer help team or ask your dentist if you need further reassurance.

But as you can see from one of this week’s instagram posts I’m now feeling confident enough about my teeth to post a selfie in full on cheese mode, exposing all of my wonky, but now very white, gnashers.

P.S Have this one on me. Us bloggers tend to try and show the glam side of this career, but this is the reality. But it worked, so who cares what I looked like to get there in the privacy of my home!

Polished Sonic LED & Powder Bundle £75.99

Polished Charcoal Teeth Whitening Powder £20.99

https://polishedwhitening.com

Things I've Learned This Year...

2017-11-08T17:40:00.001+00:00

Come late December, early January, the blogosphere is going to be awash with ‘What I learned this year’ type posts, goals for the year ahead, and of course resolutions. I thought I’d get in a bit early with this theme, having just celebrated a birthday. On the 28th October I always find myself pondering the year I have had since my last celebration of birth, and consider how I plan to move forward with what I’ve learned or experienced during this time. So here’s just a few….

Sometimes you just gotta let go: It’s good to be ambitious, to have goals, even ones that feel unrealistic. These dreams drive us forward, give us a zest for life and something to wake up for in the morning. But it’s also important to be able to recognise where time is being wasted an where efforts are futile. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve failed, it may be that your goal isn’t a good fit with who you are or what your unique situation is. It might be that the particular goal is particularly difficult due to the financial or political times we find ourselves in. It may be because you’ve realised that that goal actually shouldn’t be the priority and other things are far more important right now, or even forever. I’ve definitely let go of some dreams I had previously because I realised the pursuit was actually draining me of confidence and stressing me out to an unhealthy level. I also realised that even of I had achieved the dream, I may have not reaped the rewards I had always thought reaching that goal would deliver. Not all dreams and aspirations are how you imagine them to be, and sometimes they’re better left as, well….dreams.

It’s good to take a step back: A lot of YouTubers will probably nod along to this one. I think many of us have gotten very frustrated with the platform. It’s apparent inability to send videos to subscription boxes, it’s decision to de-monatize videos about mental health and other subjects we should be encouraged to talk about, and a number of other changes and glitches which have made us lose faith in the company. I also feel there’s been a change in the general vibe of the space, with commenters beings increasingly nit picky, negative and darn right rude at times. Yes that’s always happened but it definitely feels more prevalent at the moment, I guess we’re all finding modern times stressful, with some people choosing to vent frustrations in unhelpful ways. I guess if you’re still making sizeable money from uploading you’d probably be able to rationalise it a bit better and decide it’s still worth uploading, but smaller creaters spending hours to upload regular content who may be earning very little or nothing from doing so, may well think it’s not worth the hassle to continue. A lot of very good and innovative YouTubers, who put a lot of effort into their videos aren’t growing too, so they’ve also been forced to consider how they spend their precious time. Quite rightly many have decided to channel their focus on platforms where the work/results ratio is a bit less frustrating. So we’ve seen more people return to old school blogging, or even focusing on their Instagram feeds a bit more. Some, who have been notably negatively effected (mentally) by working online have taken drastic measures to take a significant break from all type uploading. I did it for a week, as that’s all I could afford to do at my level and position in the industry, in an ideal world I’d take an indefinite break if I’m honest. Lily Pebbles is in a fortunate position where she could take a month off and I think anyone who can follow suit, definitely should if they feel it’s getting them down or stressed to an unhealthy level. It’s so positive to see someone acknowledge how they’re feeling and how their lifestyle/career is effecting their mental health and then being proactive about it. If you’ve watched her 31 days offline video you will see how positive and restorative it was for her, and will likely be for most people.

It’s the little things: I’ve been off antidepressants this year, and I’m not going to lie, it’s been incredibly hard and I’m not sure it’s actually been a sensible decision on my part. What I’ve realised this year in particular, is that can be the smallest of things to trigger and severe downturn in my mental health, and similarly it can be a very small thing to make a positive difference to my days too.

It was actually a YouTube comment that challenged my integrity that caused one of my biggest slumps this year. I was sobbing uncontrollably, almost wailing, and more than a few times uttered that I didn’t want to be here anymore. It’s never just this one event which causes the big shift but more what it represents. In this case this comment signified, in that moment at least - that I can’t do anything right. I’m a rubbish human. I’m weak for getting upset and being effected by it. I’ve wasted so many years in an industry that’s clearly not suited to my personality. That I focus too much on the negative. That my painful honesty has been worthless and needlessly shared. That people clearly don’t know who I am if they could think that of me. That I’m being punished for being open.You get the idea. I felt to totality of who I am had been judged as well, crap. And because it was done publicly I had humiliation dolloped on top. Not a great recipe for someone lacking self esteem to start with.

On a more positive note though this year I realised how much little gestures and moments can lift you up and restore some hope. When I subscriber sent a care package all the way from Florida, or when another sent me some money for my Birthday - of course not necessary or even something I’d advise, but it meant the world that they wanted to make those kind gestures to little old grumpy me. Then there’s the random texts from friends checking in on your for no other reason than just to let you know they care. When a brand chooses to work with you again despite your videos getting the least views out of all the influencers on the campaign because they liked your content. When I said I was stepping back from interviews, a PR saying that it was a shame because all her bands love doing interviews with me. When you think you’re rubbish at everything and that everyone probably hates talking to you, little comments like that warm the cockles, even if they don’t change your decision.

So moving forward what will I do with this information? I will text people to check in on them. I’ll send random messages to tell them they’re doing a great job. I might send random letters or token pressies, everyone loves getting surprise post. I might offer an extra back scratch, or ask someone a question about something I know they love to talk about, even if it bores me senseless. Knowing how much little things made a difference to myself I have to make sure I do the same for others otherwise I’m not living and learning. But in terms of my own personal growth I really need to try and find a way that won’t allow those negatives to impact me in such a heavy and potentially life threatening way. Any help on this one would be much appreciated!!

Time goes crazy fast. I’ve become one of those annoying old people that is constantly say ‘How time flies’, and, ‘Where has this year gone’. I’ve also started saying cripes and blimey more, but that’s probably just because Ive always been horrendously uncool. But with how fast the months disappear it’s clear that if you want to get shit done you have to maintain a very high level of motivation or your to-do list simply won’t get done. If I’m honest I’ve not even made a dent on the list of goals, actions, activities I wanted to get through in 2017. So I urge you youngans to listen to your parents when they say how quick the years go by, they’re annoyingly right again. So the realisation that 2017 blasted by faster than 2016, I’m going to make more realistic goals for 2018, but also remind myself that plans can only be a guide, you never know what’s going to happen to add unexpected obstacles or distractions.

It’s the things that you don't worry about. Unfortunately this year’s most notable punctuations came in the form of untimely and tragic deaths, or news of sad diagnosis. It really has been a relentless stream of devastating news for my friends and family this year, so much so that we’ve been consumed with sadness, but also constant worry for those left behind struggling to come to terms with what’s happened. Of course losing people is always sad, but when it comes as a complete shock or out of natures typical order it stings in a different way. You can’t help but feel unsettled, because you can’t help but wonder what’s going to happen next considering you weren’t able to predict what’s already happened. It definitely brings a new angle of anxiety to every phone call or Whatsapp message you get, thats for sure. So like I said before, there’s some things you can’t plan for, so you have to be prepared to adapt. I had to turn down some huge TV work opportunities because they clashed with these sad life events, but maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. You just gotta keep doing your thing best you can, and deal with things as when they happen. Try not to worry about the what ifs and the could be’s, because life will throw you enough to actually worry about, it’s just silly to be feel restricted by things that probably won’t happen, or things that wouldn’t even be that bad if they did.

My Hair doesn’t need to define me. Cutting my hair was sooooo liberating and probably the best decision I’ve made all year. For years I’ve dealt with friends and boyfriends saying what they think I should or shouldn't do with my hair. I’ve listened and allowed their words to dictate what length or colour I’ve had for the last decade at least because I’m a people pleaser or lack confidence in my own decisions. When I said I was thinking about cutting my hair before this chop I was flooded with DM’s, messages and comments saying phrases basically saying ‘DONT TO IT’ proving that even strangers had an opinion on it. Don’t get me wrong I love long hair too, and I love that you can do so much with it, that it covers your nipples when you’re in the nuddy, and that it keeps you warm on summer evenings when you realise you should have brought a jacket. But my hair isn’t the type that dries perfectly straight, nor perfectly beachy wavey. It requires lengthy blow drying, then taming with GHD’s. With hair as thick as mine, this is no small feat. I had gotten tired of having to factor in time to care for my hair, time that I’d much rather spend on trying to earn some money or focusing on much needed rest and recuperation. I hated that I’d have to use energy that could have been applied to draw or write a blog post. What I’m saying is this was an action of Self Care, and one with longevity. But a family member currently losing their hair through chemo will also serve as a reminder that hair shouldn't be taken for granted, nor relied upon.

This also leads on to my next point….

The less emphasis I put on looks the happier I am. This year I spent the least amount on clothes than I have for many years. Of course I had a few whims and splurges but then’s been far less occasions when I’ve sought out that temporary high of shopping by popping into Primark or wafting my curser over ASOS or Missguided. I have also spent a lot of my time in largely comfortable clothing too, opting for baggy trousers instead of chafing skinny jeans, while choosing DM’s and trainers over any shoes that deliver blisters or burning balls. I somehow feel less insecure about how I look, despite the fact my body is in the worst shape it’s ever been and that I’m acquiring a new wrinkle everyday. .I don’t like what I see any more than I did before, but I simply care less about the fact that I don’t think much of what I see….if you get what I mean. It just doesn’t feel that important, maybe that’s due to the levelling and priority shifting that death causes you to have, or maybe that’s a welcome part of ageing and feeling comfortable. Of course it’s normal to feel good in an outfit you feel suits you or makes your body look its best, and having a good hair or skin day makes you feel lovely, but I guess my pursuit of beauty is just a bit more relaxed these days. A lot of my younger, absolutely stunning friends, some of who are even models, are desperately unhappy so it’s about time we stopped associating stereotypical beauty with confidence and happiness. Quite often there is no correlation. We need to go a bit deeper.

I rely on Travel to keep going. I’ve been truly spoiled in my life, being the the position to go on a proper summer holiday most years. This luxurious position has meant that I’ve become accustomed to it though, meaning my body and mental clock almost expects it as part of my yearly schedule alongside birthdays, Christmas, etc. This year my finances made it very irresponsible if not impossible to go on a proper holiday, and as Si had taken time off from work for a surprise trip to LA to see Ben, it was also difficult to justify taking more time away from our jobs. I felt completely bereft having not had my usual dose of escapism and Vitamin D. It made me realise how much I reply on holidays as an event to keep me going throughout the year. Something to look forward to, a change of scene and a departure from stress - something to live for. Sounds dramatic, but that’s how it felt this year, on my darkest hours I really struggled to find something to keep going for in absence of a sun drenched holiday. I’ve always been like a different species in sunny weather, I feel more energised and optimistic, and even though it’s a small window of positivity, knowing I can get to that place is important and something it’s useful to remind myself of. I plan to ensure I put away some money so that I can get away next year, but I actually think what I should take away from this is that I need to find other ways to achieve that level of happiness and serenity - I shouldn’t have to rely on fleeing the country to achieve it. After-all not all of us are blessed in having situations that allow us to go on holidays regularly, but that shouldn’t make us resigned to being miserable.

I don’t need Drama.I found myself distancing myself from a lot of needless things things year for the sake of my sanity and happiness, one of them being drama, or more importantly the people that seem to attract and revel in it. I know people who are very nice and who have a good heart, but seem to constantly make decisions, despite a lot of advice pointing them in a different direction, that have a certain inevitability about them. Then there’s the type of people that seem to be constantly falling out with people, causing ructions in other peoples relationships or friendship groups or intentionally doing or saying things they know will create a buzz of the negative or disruptive kind. I find this more prevalent amongst certain groups of friends in London, which is why I’m also spending more time in the relative quiet and peace of Surrey.

I’m not saying I want all my friends to have lives that have no bumps, difficulties or tension, not at all, as mates we will help each other muddle through those. But I don’t want to be around people who seem to get enjoyment from upsetting others, or look for this kind of excitement in their lives.

To truly exit myself from the drama, I have chosen to keep a distance from certain social groups and have even left a lot of WhatsApp groups that seem to like to talk about other people’s lives a bit too much. Yeah it can be fun to gossip from time to time, we are all guilty of that but I’m not sure it’s healthy to have an continuous stream of it coming directly to our palms.

I’m more Country than I thought. I always thought the end goal was to live in house or apartment in London, somewhere picturesque like Notting Hill or artistic like Shoreditch. I now know that I don’t need to be in the thick of it to be content. Sure, I miss out on a lot of socialising because it’s just a bit too far to nip into town for a quick drink or a meal, but I know I definitely don’t want to give up that feeling I get when I’m able to leave London for home at the end of a day of meetings. Th excitement and relief I feel when I head back out to Surrey, knowing I’m leaving the chaos and noise of the city behind tells me all I need to know in terms of where I’ll find contentment in terms of my eventual home. If I was to think primarily about my career I would undoubtedly be in a more convenient position if I lived in London, far more able to go to events/meetings that could propel my career. But this year’s made me realise that other things are more important. It’s those beautiful walks with loved ones in my nearby parks, the giggles at the local pub over a chocolate brownie, and evenings with my parents showing them the latest must see TV shows, that I’ll look back on warmly. I don’t need start studded events with current celebrities to be happy, as fun and glam as they can be. I figure I’ll treasure and appreciate those events even more too, because they’ll be so different from my cosy life outside of London, and increasing that feeling of gratitude is always a good thing.

I need to move out .This is no new epiphany. This is something Si and I have felt for a number of years now. It’s definitely not a choice to be living with my parents at our age, trust me. But this year in particular it’s put a huge strain on our relationship, the frustrations of a lack of privacy and independence causing us to be more grumpy and short tempered than normal, and with only each other for company, both of us taking the brunt of our mutual exasperation. I think it’s because what we thought was a temporary arrangement has started to feel increasingly permanent. The hopelessness of the situation has really gotten to us, as has a shared feeling of failure. Why are we in this position, when some of our friends are able to buy houses? We work hard, what are we doing wrong?? In an effort try instill some faith that things will work out I started looking into places to rent near us. It felt slightly torturous to be basically look at what we can’t have right now, but I enjoyed the pretending for a bit. I also did some sums and worked out what needs to change to get to the point of perhaps being able to consider renting a place, and I realised I’d only need 1 or 2 more sponsored videos a month to be able to make enough to finally do it. When you say it like that it doesn’t seem too crazy a thing to achieve….does it?? Anyway for the sake of our relationship and so we don’t lose out on our adult years completely we really need to find a way to make it happen, that much is clear.

I’m going to conclude this blog post with one of my fave quotes from my OG Ally McBeal….

‘The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content. Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it.’

FLAT HAIR PROBLEMS: got2b Dry Shampoo Reviewed

2017-11-05T17:09:00.000+00:00

I'm generally and genuinely thrilled with my recent hair transformation, and honestly believe cutting off half of my hair is the most freeing move I've made in a long time. It's cleared up minutes if not hours of my time each week, saved by weak arms from needless strenuous activity and resulting aches, and nudged me into changing my style, choosing outfits that showcase this shorter length.

I feel fresher and more youthful, and most importantly less weighed down. I don't know if my old long hair served as a metaphor for other negative stuff, but I feel that perhaps it made my morose face appear even more long and drawn out, and that I used it to hide behind it, even rely upon it.

With this shorter length, I can't as easily use it as a veil to hide my face and boobs, nor use the sheer mass of it to distract from other parts of my vessel. I'll be forced to stand more confident and proud in my blog pictures, as I won't be using my hair as an something to give my hands something to do, pulling the long mermaid tendrils out so they flow in the wind, or to do those back shots where you showcase the length resting on your back. Instead my body and my full face will be exposed and the focus will no longer be on my hair, which I've away used as a trademark and as an distraction, now they'll be seeing me....or more of me at least.

While I'm pleased as punch with this new low maintenance style for it's ease and time saving credentials, I'm not happy to allow my hair to lack impact and I still want my hair to be a feature that adds to my overall appearance. While I can't look to the length of it to deliver drama or wow factor, I can still consider colour, texture, volume etc.

That's the only slight downside to this sassy new mid length style. I've lost a lot of bulk so even though I have a lot of hair still it can get to look slightly flat if I haven't made efforts during the drying process to ensure it has volume - tipping my head upside down or adding a thickening product to the root for instance.

Today was one of those particularly flat days, in more ways that one, but lets keep it focused on my hair for once shall we. I'd just dried my hair very quickly as I was in a rush to get going with my day and make the most of the Autumn sunshine we were having this Sunday morning. Later in the day after the lift the wind delivered had subsided, I was looking very drab and my hair almost looked stuck down to my cheeks, with absolutely zero height at the root. Because I have relied on my hair to give me a confidence boost for all these decades it's foolish to expect to be able to let go of that completely, so I still need to be able to feel good amped up with this look.

I've tried many hairsprays, mouses and volumisers in the past to deliver the enlarging effect I'm after and while all have some positive and extremely effective qualities I haven't found one without having to make a sacrifice when it comes to the appearance or feel of my hair. We've all tried the products that make the hair feel so crispy it's as if its frozen and could snap in to if bent. Then there's the type that makes it feel like you have treacle drizzled on the scalp, which you hope the lad won't discover when he tried to recreate an extremely passionate movie kiss which involves putting his fingers through your hair and grabbing at your skull. If they don't create a horrifically dead or overly shiny finish to the hair's texture, you'll left choking on the toxic fumes.

The closest I have gotten to perfection before was a volumising dry Shampoo so when I was given this got2b Fresh it Up Dry Shampoo I felt like I was on the cusp of realising I'd finally discovered the holy grail product. As instructed I shook the can, held 20cm away, and sprayed in short bursts. I tipped my head upside down to get the roots underneath and also lifted up layers to ensure I have sprayed throughout. No cough inducing toxicity, just a transporting subtle tropical scent this time.

Unlike many dry shampoos there is hardly any residue with this one, perhaps just a tad mattifying which goes instantly with a quick rub with your palm or a brush through. In fact this had the least whitening effect of any non colour specific dry shampoos I've used before, which is a major plus point. As you can see from the images my hair instantly had more zest for life, no more slick rick for me.

The biggest plus point of this product was the fact that it didn't have any noticeable effect on the feel of the hair to the touch. No extreme stiffness or stickiness, if any whatsoever. I find that I often feel compelled to wash my hair after one use of some of these sorts of products becasuse the hair feels so clogged up or changed by the product. In the past it has felt so dense and rigid at the root that I've hated running my fingers through it as it's stopped even feeling like hair, and I've felt gross and unclean a bit like Worzel Gummidge, Stig of the Dump.....or Frankie Cocozza.

Okay, if left to it's own devises by the end of the day your hair won't have maintained the level of oomph it gets when you first spray and massage, but all it takes is more massages periodically

to wake the product up and allow it to wave its magic wand again. There's really no need to spray more throughout the day to get the initial wowing effect, you just need to stimulate it with your fingers.

So for those that don't like to or choose not to wash their hair often, those who feel their hair needs to be uplifted, or who, like me are adapting to a new style I thoroughly recommend this Schwarzkopf got2b Fresh it Up Dry Shampoo. I guarantee as I continue to enjoy the lack of hair washing this new do requires this will become a staple, constant travel companion, and last minute plan saviour.

Available at Primark

I Think I'm Paranoid

2017-10-30T17:59:00.000+00:00

Paranoia is an instinct or thought process believed to be heavily influenced by anxiety or fear, often to the point of delusion and irrationality.[1] Paranoid thinking typically includes persecutory, or beliefs of conspiracy concerning a perceived threat towards oneself (e.g. "Everyone is out to get me”)

This weekend I had my birthday. I’ve not looked forward to this yearly event in a long time, but this time round I wanted to approach it with a more positive mindset. Sadly in the last couple of years a lot of people I know have died very prematurely, one girlfriend younger than myself, and rather than once again bemoan my advancing years I wanted to acknowledge how lucky I am to have the luxury of getting older.

This felt like a healthy approach to what is essentially just another day despite the fact us humans decide to mark it in some way, usually with cake, each 365 days. But while my intentions were good and positive, I unfortunately don’t have control over what might occur on the run up to the day, nor what effect those events will have on my mood and anxiety levels.

During the week I had a meeting in London, and although fairly successful I of course when through my usual ritual of going over the conversation from start to finish in my head during the commute home. Inevitably if you access any interaction as thorough as this you’ll find moments where your response could have been timed better, said with more measure, or alternatively with more enthusiasm.

It’s also been rammed into me so often to stop putting myself down, particularly in business meetings, that in my attempts to sound confident I now worry I may come across as too forthright and lacking in humility. Or worse I wonder if my confident facade is unsuccessful at masking a girl crippled with insecurities. After my dissection of this hour meeting I decided it wasn’t a disaster but that there were a couple of sentences I would take back or rephrase if I was to leave the experienced unscathed in terms of my habitual paranoia.

I tried to distract myself from this overthinking by creating a Halloween video. I haven’t found the motivation or energy to make many videos other than simple blogs or sit down chatty ones for a long while, so felt excited to make something a bit more artistic again. I created a backdrop using a black furry blanket which I covered in fake cobwebs and spiders I got from Tiger, and set up my lights and tripod. I wanted to create a really quick and simple look for those, like me, who have very little money to spend on personal Halloween decoration, nor the time or energy to spend . In the end I opted for a Day of The Dead look, not only was it doable with my fairly underwhelming make up skills, I have grown up surrounded by Mexican culture as my parents lived there before I was born, so it was a look I wanted to emulate.

So I managed to film and edit the video in the day, and although the make up itself was a bit messy and basic, I felt a huge sense of achievement that I’d manage to upload that type of content again. For the first time in a while I felt kinda excited to hit publish. I’ve taken a bit of a battering lately on YouTube lately, I recently took down a couple of videos as I couldn’t deal with the negativity I was getting, and I didn’t have the mentel energy/strength to respond to the comments even though they would have proven them unfair or incorrect. I thought I might get my mojo back with this video, and perhaps even start to enjoy uploading again. Then a few minutes after posting, with a feeling of excitement in my belly I headed to the comments to find just one, one telling me that I was being insensitive to another culture, although said in quite a ferocious way. I felt the wind instantly taken out of me and I sobbed on my bed till Si came in and said, ‘What happened?’. My reaction seemed over the top and irrational, but I’d put a lot of hopes on that upload - a hope I’d enjoy being a YouTuber again, a hope I’d please my viewers and provide something entertaining to watch, a hope it would be a day where my energy was well spent, a hope I’d get a zest for creating again because of the positive reaction I hoped would happen as a result of the upload. In a second all that was dashed, and I felt like everyone seeing the comment would agree with them and think of me as some insensitive and thoughtless cretin who doesn’t have respect for other cultures. That’s what stung the most, feeling that others would be thinking how foolishly unaware I was, or that I was someone who didn’t care about offending others. I felt utter shame. Si and others told me to not let it get to me, but I felt truly awful about it. Even when a number of Mexican people contacted me to tell me that actually encourage videos and were the opposite of offended, I still felt gutted that I’d upset someone in that way. They’re not wrong for feeling that way, no one else can tell them they’re wrong - a feelings a feeling even if it’s not one that matches ours.

To make myself feel better for my unwise tutorial I embarked on making another Halloween video -an acknowledgment of my mistake, and a way of showing people I was trying to make amends. By this point there was no pleasure in making the video, I was exhausted from making the other one, this was self inflicted punishment in a way.

By the time came for me to press public on this video I had those horrible sickening nerves and heart palpitations you get when the phone rings in the middle of the night. I guess it’s a feeling of inevitable doom. I felt like I was awaiting the next phase of torture. I say torture as for me, everything negatives comes with being a YouTuber serves as fuel for my anxiety and depression, and unfortunately that fuel seem to be particularly potent and flowing at the moment. Being someone who works on the internet has become a living hell for me. At this point I had convinced myself I wasn’t going to get any positive response and that everyone was still thinking bad of me.

Then comes my actual birthday. I’m used to waking up to a lot of well wishes on my Facebook and on my phone, and although there were plenty, it was notably less than last year. Many people I think of as good mates, or who I expected to message in some form or another didn’t, and once again I started to be overwhelmed by paranoia. Are they fed up of my miserable and self pitying tweets and blog posts? Do they think I’m a nasty person? Am I completely forgettable? Or is this sort of reaction why they didn’t send their wishes, because I manage to make every small thing about my personal failings?

My rational side, which by this point was like a puny stick insect fighting against a Silverback gorilla ,was reminding myself that I often forget to wish people happy birthday, particularly since largely abandoning Facebook this year. I know from my perspective it doesn’t come from a place or hate or not caring, it comes from being oblivious to what day it is and whose birthday has fallen on it. I also tried to listen to Si’s assurances that it was only because my birthday had fallen on a Saturday and people were busing getting ready for Halloween or enjoying weekend activities away from their computers etc. There were glimmers of time where I’d think ‘Yea, you’re right? That must be what it is’, but it wasn’t long before I was back, thinking the worst, and thinking the world would be better off without me in it. Sounds extreme I know, but that’s the fragility of my mind right now after what has been a brutal year, without medication, and without any standout highs to carry me to the next one.

I should have taken a break from my phone, realising that I had people in my company who loved me and who were wanting to make me feel treasured on my birthday, but alas I had a sponsored Instagram deadline that required me to still beaver away on it for a bit throughout the day. It wasn’t long before I noticed more things that triggered the paranoia further. People I thought hadn’t messaged because they were busy, or away, were tweeting and posting, even watching my Insta stories. I saw a few vague passive aggressive Instagrams posts and tweets which I convinced myself were about me, because you know, I’m such an evil and rubbish person. Even as I write this I’m occupied with the worry that I've upset those people, or done something to make them think bad of me.

Si had organised that we have my fave doggy Rosie for the day as a birthday surprise, knowing her unconditional loves and endless nestles into my chest always make me feel better. It worked well for a bit, but even when I was squeezing her Si saw my eyes glaze and knew that I’d gone back to the realms of overthinking and paranoia again.

I’ve always had this tendency, but it’s definitely gone up a few notches this year, I guess because once again I’ve not managed to achieve all I hoped, and I feel like a failure. I figure lot of people who suffer with bad self esteem and low confidence find it all too easy to believe that others will have similar low impressions. Why would I think anyone likes me, if I can’t find anything to like about myself? One of my worst habits is beating myself up for something I did ages ago, something that wasn’t even that bad. For instance I said something at Reading Festival that I felt someone listening interpreted as bitchy, when I was actually making comment on an industry rather than a specific person. I still play the moment over, and wonder if I let myself down, and whether that person looks at me in a different way now. Realistically that person probably wouldn’t have a clue what I was talking about if I brought it up, they probably weren’t even listening, but in my brain that is another moment that’s tainted my year and my feeling towards the person I am.

I now feel stuck in this inconvenient and utterly draining limbo with everything and its completely overwhelming. I know that if I socialised there’s a chance I’d realise that I do have lots of friends that care about me and don’t think I’m 100% awful, but I’m paranoid I’m going to do or say something that might make them think I’m at least 50% rubbish, or worse that I’ll find out those vague passive aggressive tweets/Instagrams were about me and I was right to feel crap about myself. I’m scared to schedule anymore work type situations like interviews/meetings because I’m worried that instead of furthering my career, or creating great new relationships, I will say something to put them off me for life, or set my back further than I am already. Or that if I upload the work I got due to the connection I will inevitably get some unpleasant feedback via the comments that will encourage that grey mist again. I’m scared that people will get fed up of me reacting so powerfully to things that seem like very small and insignificant events in their eyes.

This leads to my final point about all this. We are encouraged to talk about our feelings in regards to our mental health now. My mental un-health is such a prominent and controlling part of my day at the moment, that if I am to speak honestly on my various platforms there’s going to be A LOT of fairly dark outpourings. I’m starting to feel paranoid that the regularity of the sharing of these thoughts is becoming tiresome, and even annoying. I’m worrying that it’s making me seem like a nightmare, someone that no one should or would want to work with? I’m worried that people feel like they can’t relax around me in case they say something that’s going to upset me. I’m concerned that people think I’m a self obsessed self pitying maniac that needs to get over themselves.

As Shirley said ‘ I think I’m paranoid….and complicated.’ That’s all well and not good, but what do I do about it?

MY WEEK WITH ALEXA....ECHO DOT REVIEWED

2017-10-22T14:53:00.001+01:00

Recently I was spending the afternoon at my friend’s house. She was busy in the kitchen meaning I was left in the lounge with her son. Every non-broody adults nightmare. Inevitably my mothering instinct didn’t kick in and I could feel panic set in.I could tell he was already getting bored at my attempts of child friendly entertainment, and I knew that I’d soon run out of silly faces to pull, and basic games to play, that would prevent him from switching from angel child mode to creasy-faced Waaaaaaa mode. Then he pointed at a contraption on a cabinet to the right of the TV and started talking at it. Even with a 3 and a half year olds limited vocabulary he got this machine to play him his favourite song. Never have I felt more passed-it, and less down with the kids. Not only did I not know what thing technological item was, I didn’t know how to use it, nor what the hell the annoying song playing out of it was.

Once the initial depression of realising that I’m embarrassingly behind on what ‘modern life’ is had subsided, I realised I’d been delivered a gift. This little circular glowing object would not only share the responsibility of taking care of this little boys entertainment, it would actually completely relinquish any pressure to be fun ‘aunty’ Soph. After watching a human one tenth my age take control of this technology for a few minutes, I felt comfortable to utilise it’s power too. I could sit back on the sofa and instruct the machine to play a song, tell a joke, or give a fact. Look at me! I was suddenly a DJ, a child party entertainer, even and an educator. Even better I could do so sitting down. How smug I felt. Even better I felt in control.

While his mum finished up in the kitchen I now didn’t have to worry about him putting his hand too close to the plug, picking up rogue items on the carpet and putting them near his nostrils, ears or mouth, or him staring at me with urgent anticipating as he waited for me deliver the next fun activity, he was completely occupied by Alexa. Not only occupied by her, but using her as a tool to teach me things. He kept asking for more historical facts, and would be full of glee whenever it delivered, looking to me to see if I was similarly impressed. I wasn’t necessarily interested in learning more about Percy Pigs or Trains but I was impressed with the interaction taking place.

That was my first meeting with Alexa and I never forgot about her.

So this week we welcomed Alexa in to our home. Dad was very disappointed to find out that his favourite feline eyed, ankle boot wearing presenter/fashionista wasn’t moving in, but was intrigued by this alternative Alexa which would be keeping him company in the lounge each day.

Unfortunately we don’t live in a particularly high-tech house. We do have speedy wi-fi, and I have numerous tech gadget that I use for my art and during my YouTube creative process, but the house exists pretty much in it’s factory settings. Lights are turned on by a switch that is located by the door of the room. There’s not even the luxury of a dimmer switch. The stereo is not hooked up to anything, and requires you to turn it on with your fingers….yes you heard it right, your finger on the button, on the stereo. I know, who are we??? So this means we are currently unable to make the most of all the wonderful capabilities of the Echo Dot, which as a hands-free voice controlled device can work with smart home devices so you can turn your lamps or crank up the heating without having to get up from your sofa.

If your house it up to date in this way though, you can connect Echo Dot to your speakers and turn your home entertainment system into a voice-controlled personal assistant which can play music from Amazon Music, Prime Music, Spotify and more. Imagine how good this would be for house parties??!! Sadly a house party while I’m living here with my parents is still something only found in my imagination…..but one day!!

I can however move my Echo Dot to my bedroom and use it as a clock to make sure I get up and work, which is very important as a Spoonie and a freelancer who needs all the reminders possible to get out of bed on these dark inclement mornings.

As you guys know Si is the chef in this household, cooking for me most mealtimes and on occasions for the whole household. He often has lots of things on the go at once bubbling away and spilling over on the hobs, roasting in the oven, marinating on a cutting board. During this whirlwind process I tend to stay away, as he definitely gets a bit of the Ramsey about him, and my presence only seems to aggravate further. Despite the gruffness by being there cultivates, he usually complains that he feels a bit lonely when he’s shut away in the kitchen, but since Alexa’s been joining him he’s been less insistent on me popping by sporadically to check on his progress. When I have popped in, merely to avoid the accusations that he’s more like my live in chef than a boyfriend, I have found his dancing in his apron to the music he’s requested of DJ Alexa. The novelty factor of the Echo Dot is still at a high, meaning he also gets a right kick out of using it to set timers and ask for measurement conversions.

Although I’m not necessarily pro every tech item that encourages a significant level of laziness, these tools are lovely ways of ensuring your chill nights are as relaxed and motion free as you’d like. For someone like me (a spoonie) who is always looking for ways to conserve energy I’m looking forward to find as many ways as possible toe reduce the amount of times I have to get up, connect my eyes to a screen to use my phone/laptop to seek out information or to make orders etc. Over the last couple of years Amazon Prime has saved my butt on many occasions, whether that be getting in some last minute props for a shoot, or getting a present for another birthday I’ve managed to forget about, so the fact that us members can also use the Echo Dot to order is reason enough to get it – you simply say “order INSERT PRODUCT” or “buy INSERT PRODUCT” and Alexa will find it and add it to your basket. You then confirm the order by saying “yes” and you can even check the status by asking “Alexa, where’s my stuff?” It’s like having a personal assistant, but one that you don’t have to feel guilty about being blunt with.

What if you have a busy household, a barking hangry dog, a teenager who blares music all the live long day, or a Dad who loves the sound of their own voice particularly when they’re ranting about Brexit or a mum who seems to have a worrying obsession with hoovering? Don’t worry Alexa will still be able to seek out your command or question. Tucked under the light ring is an array of seven microphones that use beam-forming technology and enhanced noise cancellation. With far-field voice recognition, Amazon Echo Dot can hear you ask a question from any direction. When you want to use Echo Dot, you simply say the wake word, "Alexa", and Echo Dot lights up and streams audio to the cloud, where the Alexa Voice Service is leveraged to recognise and respond to your request.

What else can she do? Those in the right areas can order a car with Uber too, by the way what’s the latest on Uber after all of that recent hoohaa, I’ve lost track? My most utilised functions will probably be the ability to get a takeaway with Just Eat, as aNetflix and food delivered to my door is my current idea of a social life, and I give myself that feel good feeling by giving the guys a nice tip when they turn up at the house. A less exciting but very necessary and regular type of usage will be checking the train times with National Rail Enquiries. Anything that means I can avoid having to call an actual human is always preferable.

I have to be honest that at first my mum wasn’t pleased about Alexa’s arrival, maybe she was worried about the female hierarchy of our household. I jest of course, that wasn’t it, we all know she’s the boss, my mums actually just a bit phobic of technology. Although she’s just about managing on her very basic (non internet) phone, she still gets Dad to send all of her emails and does all of her online banking, and she still gets me to record her TV shows. Don’t even mention Drones to her. She’s also on a mission regarding clutter, she hates me bringing anything new in to the house that she doesn’t deem necessary, particularly something that could effect the attractiveness of the lounge.

But the great thing about the ECHO DOT is that it’s as prominent and useful as you choose it to be. It’s compact and tasteful design means that it’s not an pointless eyesore even if it’s only used on the odd occasion, and at £49.99 is a very affordable guilt free tech purchase. I’ve actually noticed my Mum start to enjoy asking it for a daily joke, I think there’s comfort in the familiarity of it’s cheesy humour, it’s clearly what she’s in to if my Dad’s anything to go by. She’s gaining confidence with it too, relying on it for regular weather updates, necessary during these weird times of Ophelia and Bryan. Of course the machine doesn't always get it right, and can't answer everything you ask it, Si was a bit miffed they it knew who his band were, but not him, but we actually enjoy trying to catch it out the giggles that come when it's a bit off in it's response.

Alexa only moved in a week ago but she’s already become a valued member of the family, in fact I think some members of the household may prefer her over me. Fair enough really, she’s definitely more organised and put together, plus she only talks when she’s spoken to.

I’m intrigued to see how our relationship will grow and evolve when I finally move into my own place though, a home which will hopefully have all the tech mod-cons and a banging stereo system. With third party developers constantly creating new skills for Alexa, who knows what I’ll be using it for then, but also even next week, and the week after. It’s not often a relationship gets more exciting is it??

Echo Dot, £49.99

STOCKIST: www.amazon.co.uk

WHY BEING 'BUSY' IS A LEGITIMATE EXCUSE IN 2017

2017-10-17T19:07:00.001+01:00

When I was younger I saw everything a bit more black and white. Wrong or right, good or bad, desirable, undesirable etc. As you get older you realise how intricate, convoluted, multi-layered every situation or thing can be, thus making every reaction and response to everything so much more complicated.

When I was a teen, if I had a friend who kept cancelling plans I’d think they were a flake, a bad friend, or someone who simply didn’t care enough (about me). If I didn’t feel that I saw a friend regularly enough, with a frequency I align with someone who comes under the ‘good friend’ category, I may have started to think they weren’t worthy of my friendship anymore and stopped inviting them out. At that time I was the type of friend who’d make homemade birthday cards, I ensured I joined my friends on regular trips to McDonalds, the local park (to perv on skate boys) and drink cheap Cider. or to do some clothes shopping in Woking while scoffing on donuts, and be at a friends beck and call - and I expected the same back. I wasn’t a flake because at that age I was aware how we all felt about people were given this label, and what would happen to them as a result. They’d be coldly replaced and you’d hear cut-throat statements like, ‘ Naa, she’s not my best friends anymore.’ They’d stop being invited to coolest house parties, and wouldn’t be saved a seat at the lunch bench. There were more petty reasons why you’d become a best friend, or part of the cool gang back then of course, but it was definitely a lot easier to be considered a good friends in terms of sticking to a schedule or maintaining a consistent level of communication.

Okay, so we were dealing with the difficulties of being a young person transitioning from childhood to adulthood. Some of us were struggling with taut relationships with parents which would lead to bedroom door slams and shrieks of ‘it’s not fairrrrrr’ . We’d be trying to work out how we felt about our bodies which were getting more fragrant and swollen by the day. We were figuring out who made us feel a bit funny in new places we didn’t know could tingle. We were starting to worry about the fact we didn’t know what we wanted to do when we left school (or knowing what we wanted to do but panicking that we didn't have the goods to get there). We were also in the house party phase of our lives during this time, featuring projectile vomit and unfortunate spin the bottle hook ups. Our first weekend jobs. Homework. First boyfriends/girlfriends (although for me this was only occasional holding hands or avoiding them in the school corridor). But we weren’t busy, not in the way many of us are busy today. That young social butterfly had no idea what busy was.

You know the trend for all these quotes that us bloggers like to churn out on the reg - usually about self love, supporting other women, etc. I see numerous ones referring to friendship and what form a friend should take. e.g ’if you friend doesn’t have time for you, they’re not worthy of you’ - although usually said in a more articulate retweet-worthy way. While on the surface this feels like a fair and correct analysis, and a decent method of eradicating crap mates, as I’ve become this genuinely busy or time-poor person I’m more sensitive to the unfairness of these blanket statements.’

I’m not in the luxurious position of being able to work one job, one that allows me to pay rent, afford food for the week, pay for the meals out’s and commutes that are required to remain part of my social/work circle. I’m jiggling about five jobs, not able to have my own place independent from my parents, and need to ensure I use any time possible to rest to avoid relapse in bad health. Some days due to the scheduling of meetings, events, interviews I miss both lunch and dinner. I then have to factor in a partner who quite often feels neglected, or at least way down the priority list, who often has to put up with the worst version of me (the visual representation of run down), who also works hours which conflict badly with my off time. I have family commitments, friends who are at the time in their life where they’re having christenings, kids birthday parties, going through divorces, or losing parents. I’m not extraordinary or an anomaly, this is actually fairly normal, most people my age have a hell of a lot of people requiring their attention.

What I’m trying to say is. Don’t assume someone doesn’t value you as a friend or want to be there for you more than they currently are, just because they’ve been more absent on Whatsapp or in real life of late. I guarantee a large chunk of them are riddled with guilt for not catching up with you as frequently as they once did, or for not following through on the, ‘We must get dinner soon.’ Some may be feeling so wracked with guilt they feel scared to reach out to you for fear that you will have already washed your hands of them and their under par palling, knowing they couldn’t handle the unforgiving words that may greet them.

Yes, it can be annoying when someone cancels on you, particularly when it’s last minute or if you’ve turned something else down in order to be present for this arrangement, but sometimes this genuinely can’t be helped. They may be opting about because they know that unless they take this time to get some much needed rest they could be forced out of action for even longer due to burn out. That they could lose their job or miss out on a huge career opportunity. That they could risk losing their partner - who’s finally given up on spending any quality time with them. I had a text this last weekend from a friend who said she was free to see me, but that she felt she really should spend an evening with her fella as they’d been going through a rough patch, and a cosy night in together felt like it could remedy some of the issues. No part of me felt cross about this, nor did I feel like she was being a bad friend for opting out. I feel a friend should feel able to be honest with you about these sorts of situations, and feel confident that their friend would want them to do what’s needed to elevate some stress in their lives.

With people having to work more hours than ever before, just to survive in some cases, and other’s doing unhealthy amounts of overtime just to get up the ladder to a place which is still grossly underpaid, we have to be a bit kinder to each other and reduce our expectations somewhat. For me if someone has good intentions and wants to see me (even if they can’t) that’s enough.

I’m torn about whether it’s easier if you have just a few close mates, or if you have a huge number of friends. If you have a fairly wide and far reaching friendship group it’s good because if your go-to friend is busy there’s still going to be numerous other people you can reach out to to and fill that role, be that a shoulder to cry on, a fountain of knowledge, a person to bounce things off of or rant with etc. But in having a lot of friends it also means there’s a lot of people who want and expect your time, and the pressure of that can be extremely overwhelming, and the reality is that you will have to live with that ghastly feeling of letting people down, the whole bloody time. If you have just a very small amount of friend’s the likelihood of being able to maintain and nurture those relationships is higher, but should you/they be very busy they don’t have other people to turn to and the resentment will be greater because the reliance on you/them is more. It’s a tricky one.

Another factor which makes all these even more complicated is that with the increase in conversation and awareness around mental health there is even more emphasis on talking. Reach out to people we’ll say. Don’t suffer in silence. Talk to someone your trust. Share what’s going on with your friends. This is all very clearly good advice, and we really mustn’t bottle stuff up, but it’s also so difficult when we are all busier than we’ve ever been before and struggling even to have enough quiet time to maintain our own mental health. So what’s the solution if we are ALL needing to talk more, but have LESS time to listen than ever before? This last week I tried Better Help’s online therapy because I needed to talk some things out, but I was mindful how busy I have and continue to be, and know that other people in my life I may have turned to previously for an ear, may well be in exactly the same position. I actually found it a very good and convenient service and one that I’d recommend to others that needs to vent or work through stuff. It’s been great for me as I was able to seek advice and help without feeling the guilt of relying on friends, and I found it empowering because it made me feel somewhat self sufficient in that I was able to acknowledge I needed to vent, and was able to seek this non judgemental help out myself, access it WHENEVER I needed, from wherever I happened to be.

Then there’s the self care thing I wafted over earlier. We are told to give ourself breaks from social media and our phones. We are encouraged to look after ourselves with long hot baths and Lush products, and a night in with all our favourite comforts - an escape from work or anything giving us stress. From a personal point of view, as a blogger and someone who spends most of her day on the laptop or phone, I’ve come to a point where I’ve realised it’s essential for me to hide from phone for an hour or two each day, merely in an attempt to stay sane. During this time it means I’m not reachable for my friends, even when they’re in need. This means I might then forget to reply to the backlog of messages that have filled my phone during the separation. This might mean I forget to wish people well on their birthday because I’ve missed the alerts on Facebook. You get the picture. But is this action of abandoning technology for a bit me saying that I don’t care about you, or that I don’t want to be a good mate to you. No, it’s me doing what I need to cope with another day. So what I’m saying is that you can’t be a vocal advocate for self care if you’re then going to immediately hate on people and called them terrible friends just because they need to take care of themselves for whatever reason….that mixed messages people.

Lastly, everyone’s ‘busy’ is different. Someone’s busy will be that they’ve been looking after kids all day and then need to get the dinner ready, and all that’s been keeping them going is the prospect of sitting down on the sofa with a cuppa tea for an hour in peace, meaning and they don’t want to spend that time on their phone engaging. Another person’s may be that they’re in a less financially stable situation than you, so don’t have the time to take breather’s in their day for the time being at least, to meet you for dinner, or to fulfil many of the friends duties they really want to.Then an alternative ‘busy’ might be sleeping for a large chunk of the day because that’s what their health condition forces on them. Who’s to stay which busy is more valid?

So guys, before you blast your friends publicly or mentally for cancelling on you AGAIN, not getting back to you straight away, or missing your birthday party, don’t immediately assume it’s because they’re a sucky friend. Please imagine there’s a very good reason, or that maybe they’re looking after themselves so they can in turn look after you a bit better moving forward. I know that my friends are good people who are simply trying their best to juggle everything, and I hope you feel the same about yours too. If not, that’s what really needs looking at.

Life’s hard enough let’s give each other a break eh?

WHAT IM WEARING

Nothing new this time round, so no affiliate links popping up in this post!

Primark Dungarees (with 2 missing buttons)

Rat and Boa Jumper (which is falling apart)

Dr Martens (Vegan)

Boohoo Pink cord shirt

ILLNESS ISN'T A COMPETITION

2017-10-01T20:38:00.001+01:00

Since I started blogging about health, all those many moons ago, I’ve observed and responded to a lot of emotional reactions to the topics I’ve discussed. Many times the blogs/videos have led to hundreds of others sharing personal stories because they relate and sympathise, or because they want to be a vocal part of a supportive community, and sometimes it has led to people offering up different opinion and intelligent debate. However, one of the most prevalent and unhelpful reaction is the one that focuses on ‘who has it worse’, almost as if it’s a competition about who is the ill-est, and not in that cool hip-hop way.

While I can completely understand why it occurs, and why it does so with such regularity, it doesn’t make it any less unhelpful to the hope most of us have in terms of making life easier for those with health issues, both temporary and chronic.

Surely we must try to focus our energy, which in a lot of cases is very limited, on the things that will make a difference to how society/government/people of power acknowledge, understand, deal and help people who suffer with illness, whatever severity level and health category it falls into.

And severity of illness, or the conditions people have, is something we should consider too. With some illnesses it may be slightly easier to quantify because you can see test results which may reveal how progressed it is, or how big the tumour is for example, but even then it doesn’t mean everyone’s body is going to react the same way to it, or in turn how it/they’ll respond to the treatment.

If you’ve been asked to fill out one of the forms at the doctor regarding your mental health, you’ll know how vague the forms feel, and how much room for for personal intricacies there are with illnesses such as Depression, which are completely omitted from the glaringly insufficient multiple choice options.

If we go really simplistic with this… Everyone has different pain thresholds, so someone might be categorised as less severe, or as having a more mild case, but there’s a chance the pain or discomfort they feel could be similar or worse than those considered to have a ‘worse’ case of the given illness according to the scale the doctor may use. Someone might have one symptom that’s extremely severe, with the rest that are there but fairly manageable. Someone else might have a number of symptoms that would be considered fairly bad, but none considered as severe as the aforementioned person. Who has it worse in this case, the person that has one symptom of the illness that is at the most problematic and painful end of the spectrum, or the person who has lots of symptoms that fit into the middle section of the scale? What about someone that constantly symptomatic on a moderate level, compared to someone that has it severely, but intermittently? Also is it mentally more difficult to have consistent illness, or constant back and forth from wellness to illness?

How do we decide which symptom is worse to have? For instance with illnesses like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome where there is a huge list of symptoms that you may or may not have, some people ticking all the boxes, others experiencing just a few, other experience some only some of the time. Would you say someone who suffers with very bad brain fog and light sensitivity has it better or worse than someone that deals with constant pain in their joints and muscles? What if you compare someone who has violent IBS symptoms and an inability to enjoy meals freely due to allergies, to another sufferer who doesn’t have any of those issues but suffers with frequent dizziness and fainting ? It’s impossible to say, and more importantly pointless unless you are a medical practitioner trying to decipher the most appropriate treatment and cause of action. Should how the particular list of symptoms that patient has effects their daily life be considered? For instance, if the main symptom is muscle fatigue should it be considered a worse illness for a sportsman or someone who stands up all day in a retail job, than for someone that sits at their desk in an office? Tricky isn’t it?

If we delve deeper into this on a more psychological level, does the type of person they are and the dreams and hopes they had effect how much sympathy they should get or effect how bad we think things are for them? For instance is it worse for someone who was extremely ambitious, with lots of grand dreams and goals to succumb to a illness like this, than someone who was fairly inactive who didn’t have any big career, life or travels goals? Is it worse if a mum with three kids to look after falls ill with M.E, or for a formerly energetic teenager who is set to miss out on the fun of her twenties? I’m playing devil advocate here of course, but I think it’s interesting to consider these things when highlighting the competitive reactions I’ve witnessed in response to people talking of their health.

I saw many people writing less than supportive comments in response to Lady Gaga’s tour cancellations. Instead of warmth and encouragement, some fellow sufferers felt that her fame and fortune somehow omitted her from any sympathies. Some showing bitterness towards the fact that her money would allow her the best treatment, that most normal folk wouldn’t have access to. Of course she will seek the best help she can, fame doesn’t diminish any of the pain or effects that someone with Fibromyalgia has, and who wouldn’t want to elevate that if at all possible? I have no doubts that due to the pressures she has, as someone with a profile, with commitments effecting millions of fans and countless employees, that she has pushed herself too far on countless occasions. It’s hard enough knowing the impact your illness has on partners, kids, friends and loved ones, imagine the burden of knowing that prioritising your health could upset millions of people that have contributed to your success. On top of that, as a celebrity she will also have the pressure of being spokesperson for chronic illness, someone relied upon to force change. I actually feel very stressed and sad for her!

While I don’t want to do anything to bolster the notion that illnesses like this are psychological or ‘in our heads’, there’s no doubting that mental health can effect our ability to cope with them. Depression and anxiety often comes hand in hand with these illnesses (whether it was present before, or worsened due to the impact of the illness on the person’s life) and that can have a knock-on effect on our abilities to sleep, and our strength and ability to attempt to push through and try and live out some aspect of normality.

There may be two people with the exact same physical symptoms, same amount of pain, same level of fatigue, but one might have decide to push through and work through the pain (rightly to wrongly) and another who may decide to rest maybe because they don’t have the mental strength to attempt to push through the pain, or who has an emotional barrier that has built up because of the illness, or because they’ve done research or received medical advice that tells them it’s not sensible to do so. Of course there are many people who don’t have a choice, who are bed-bound, who however stubborn or mentally strong they are, could no way do the things that those with more moderate or mild symptoms could/can. But there’s definitely going to be cases where people with the same level of bad health will react very differently to it, due to the way they are or how they think, or how they are choosing to deal with the illness in terms of treatment.

I guess one reason to quantify severity of illness is for things like PIP benefits. It’s fairly obvious that those that can’t get our of bed most days or for long periods of time should get financial help as they are simply and categorically unable to work to earn money. But should where they live effect how much they get? if they live in an expensive area, where rent and cost of living is higher should they get more than someone who lives in a more affordable area? What if they had a very high paid job before they fell ill so their bills are higher because they used to bring enough money in to afford their home and accompanying costs? There’s a whole host of ‘what if’s’ that makes the amount someone should get a far more complex issue. What about those people that invested thousands of pounds studying or gaining qualifications in an industry they are not well enough to work in anymore, and now unable to make the living they envisioned would end up paying back the debt for investment? What if they’re well enough to do some work when they’re feeling well enough, but can’t find a job that allows the flexibility needed to work round their unpredictable illness? (this is my issue).

Unfortunately because the current system is extremely flawed, if not completely useless when used in conjunction with chronic or changeable illnesses, this has lead to frustration, contempt and resentment among the ill - which ends up not just being directed to the government and the healthcare system, but to others seeking help (particularly if they’re viewed as less ill and therefore less worthy of help). It’s created this competitive and resentful feeling because we know how limited the help is, and the people that feel their conditions are worse or more in need of help, want and need to ensure they’re the ones that get that limited help. Anyone that seems to have it better than them who is seeking out this limited help is therefore being unfair (and a threat to their personal cause). But the truth it, on the most part at least, it isn’t them being unfair, it’s the system being unfit and unfair . Just because they don’t have it as bad as you doesn’t mean the life they have is what it should be, or that they don’t need help too. You/We all deserve help, and you/we all deserve better.

Papers like the Daily Mail love to post stories about benefit cheats, so we’ve become a very cynical nation regarding the genuine nature of peoples claims, but we just have assume that most people are hard working people wanting to provide a decent life for themselves and their families, and that for many this has been a final route they hoped they’d never have to go down. We need to have different protocol, systems and payouts in place to ensure people of all different situations, severity’s, and with unique life intricacies, are able to live the life they deserve.

I’ve seen people make those who accept Disability payment feel bad for going on a holiday. I personally want to see as many people as possible with disabilities find themselves in a position where it’s financially viable as well as doable on a health level to enjoy a break. This is considered a normal right for the ‘well’ or ‘able’ so it doesn’t seem fair that they shouldn’t be allowed these moment of joy too, particularly as in a lot of cases they could reap benefits (physical and mental) from doing so. If I see someone who is on Disability payment at a festival I try not to assume that they’re taking advantage of the system or doing anything naughty, instead I think that perhaps events are making more of an effort to make these things possible, and comfortable, for those that have special health needs. Perhaps the person has been putting money aside for a while to make it financially possible, perhaps because of the thrill they will get out of it they are doing it despite the possible impact on health. What I’m saying is that cynicism shouldn’t be the reflex response.

I remember when I was at school I felt a bit annoyed that my friends, the ones who were on benefits, were the ones with the latest expensive trainers, the most up to date computer console, Sky TV, and were having regular trips to McDonalds or Pizza Hut, while I had fake versions, hand me downs, and Mcdonald's was something I did once a year on my birthday. But now I’m a bit older I see that it’s not a black and white thing. You never know how that particular family has budgeted. Maybe they haven’t splashed their benefits on so called luxury items, but put some money aside for the last few months to be able to give the child that treat (the Playstation). Perhaps they’ve sacrificed some of their own food budget so their kids can get the trainers that will make them feel cool and like the other kids at school. Perhaps there’s some really awful stuff going on at home, and having SKY TV makes it more manageable for the overstretched mum who is struggling with ill health for example. My point is that unless we are in their shoes we never know the full story, and it’s very sad if our default reaction is one of assuming the worst of fellow humans.

Rather than arguing about who is more worthy or help when it comes to seeking out financial supplements due to to ill health, we need to fuel a change in the system so that everyone who needs help can get it. We need to force a change so that those people get the correct level and amount of help, and more importantly the right type of help.

If they’re worried about how those with mild/moderate people are spending the benefits, worrying that the funds might simply be supplementing a particular lifestyle, why not find out what that say they need help with and offer specific help in those areas. If they could find me a job that was completely flexible in my local area that would allow for the days/week where I’m not doing so well then I’d be open to that kind of help for instance. For people that struggle to cook for themselves or stand for long periods of time, healthy microwaveable meals could be paid for or delivered. I’m just pulling these ideas out of the sky without proper thought or dissection, but you know what I mean - there are ways to ensure the benefits are specific, applicable, fair, appropriate, and with limited room for abuse of the system. I’d like to be able to give my ageing parents a few days off from driving for instance, so some sort of vouchers that can only be used in taxis for instance. Money towards the Magnesium supplements or Osteopath appointments perhaps.

So should I, at a mild/moderate level of ill health, but who suffers with fainting and unpredictable toilet issues, attempt a part or full time job again, knowing I will likely feel very ill, potentially make my condition worse or have to quit in a few weeks or months time? Should I drive even though fatigue and brain fog makes me feel scared to do so, and potentially risk mine and others lives because I don’t want to rely on my pensioner parents as my personal taxi drivers because I can’t afford to get actual taxis? Should I have to push myself to the point of crying when I’m commuting or carrying out work because I need/want to bring in enough money to allow me to pay to do normal things with my more well friends? Or should I be able to rest up when needed and not feel, due to lack of an alternative, to push myself to a level that could potentially make me more ill, and rely more on NHS funding?

No, I’m not bed bound all the time, but do I need more help than my friends in full time work, absolutely yes.

As Ive said before I’m a hugely ambitious person who worked her butt off to get First Class Degree and work unpaid doing internships, and always had huge career goals. I know there’s many other people who suffer with mild -severe illness who are/were the same, and too couldn’t be further from the lazy scrounger stereotype. Applying for financial help for me (and for many others) was a last resort, having attempted different careers that I hoped would deliver enough money while being flexible to my health needs. I didn’t and never wanted to receive money if to meant/means someone in a ‘worse’ situation would lose out as a result, I was just looking for the help someone of my situation should be entitled to have.

So guys. Let’s put our poorly heads together and try and formulate some REAL things we can put to people in power. Ways to make benefits assessments applicable to each very individual illness and situation. Solutions which are feasible that could genuinely make the lives of those with illnesses feel more normal and far less stressful. Ways the assessment could be less daunting and demoralising, but most importantly way we could at last make them at the very least, fair.

While we do the job the health secretary and his team should be doing, and try to formulate some helpful protocol and systems, lets not assume the worst of people. Let’s not be suspicious or skeptical basing our reaction on a glimmer into people’s lives from what you see at the school gate, what you see on the internet, or even what you see in person (that same person may be very different at home). Lets not make people feel bad or ungrateful for being sad or stressed even if their situation seems infinitely better than yours in comparison. Let’s not allow these horrible conditions to turn us in to bitter and resentful humans. Let’s try to channel the empathic element of our personality that an illness can enhance, to make everyone who is struggling feel both supported and worthy of that support. Remember if someone appears to be coping better it doesn’t mean they are. Remember if someone is doing lots of things, it doesn’t necessarily mean they should be.

Together, we are more powerful. So if you are more ill than me (in your eyes or the eyes of the system), please don’t see me as pest, or someone who isn’t grateful for all that their body allows them to do. Please see me as an ally, one that wants exactly what you want. I will use use the extra energy I may have to make the changes we ALL want and need. We're not in competition, we’re a team….and soon, hopefully one that will reap the help of a winning system.

Taking Control Back

2017-09-25T12:53:00.000+01:00

Before I get into my rambles, let’s talk about this epic coat. I’ve wanted a patent trench since I lost out on getting one of Alexa Chung’s from her Marks and Spencer Collection, which inevitably sold out pretty fast.

Just before fashion week the lovely ASOS invited me and a few pals down to Nobu Shoreditch check out clothes from their new season while enjoying some canapés and cocktails. While we were there we able to pick out two items to take home with us. With so many awesome pieces hanging on the rail, this was no easy task. Then I saw a rail hanging in the balcony with a glossy fabric shining in the wind, and I knew instantly 50% of my decision making had been made.

I’ve only worn the coat a couple of times because of this late surge of Summer we’ve been having, but when I do I feel strong and confident, not two descriptions I would usually align with myself. To be exact, I feel in control when I wear it, and I didn’t realise just how absent that feeling has been and how very important that is to my level of contentment.

I started to ponder the concept of control and why, even when it was just an item of clothing giving me the illusion of confidence that being control can give, it would be a feeling I like as much as I do.

I decided to look at all the different parts of my life and work out which ones felt out of my control and think about how that made me feel, and more importantly whether I was doing anything to regain it.

In the last few months in particular I’ve realised how sudden a bad phase of depression can hit. A couple of weeks ago I went from being optimistic, hopeful, even laughing so much my face was full of creases in the morning, to being slumped in my bed not just crying but sobbing uncontrollably, with Si not knowing what to say to help a couple hours later. That switch didn’t take two hours either, it was an instant reaction to something that happened that day, I guess that’s why they call things triggers, it really was as instant and painful as a bullet. The problem here is that I can avoid certain things I know to have that effects, but more often than not these arrive without invitation, intruders to your day/life that are so stubborn or lacking in self awareness they don’t realise how unwelcome they are. Then I realised without acknowledging it, that by taking this course in Mindfulness I am trying to gain control back by training myself to deal with thoughts in a new, more helpful way. While I can’t control certain things that will happen in my life, and it’s not all going to be glitter and unicorns whatever I do, I can learn to respond to these moments differently.

This led me on to thinking about how illness can take away so much control from our lives and how that aspect of being unwell has probably been one of the most powerful happiness stealers. I wouldn’t say I’m a control freak, but after much trial and error I’m definitely of the school of thought of If you want something done right do it yourself, so when I can’t I find that incredibly difficult to deal with.

I can take all the supplements, eat a bit better, take in advice from others with CFS, try and get to bed at a decent hour, but I still can’t dictate when I’m going to hit with a bad day or phase with my health. This in turn effects your schedule and ability to plan for anything. For instance the only getaway I managed this year (2 days in Torquay) I came down with a Kidney infection again and ended up having to seek help from a Devon Doctor. This inability to plan can also effects your ability to earn the money you need to stay afloat (having to drop out of opportunities or opt out for fear that you’re going to have to), and therefore whether you have funds to stay in the loop in your social circles too.

The constant nagging that I’ve not been offered help by the NHS in terms of my fatigue must be draining further energy too, so rather than feel like I’m banging my head against a brick wall, I’m being a proactive. I spend the money I’ve earned through sponsored Instagram on appointments with a local Osteopath who not only helps with my aches and pains, she offers an hour dedicated to myself to focus on my wellbeing (which I think is very important), and has actually offered up more medical insight that I’ve received in the last decade through visiting GP’s which gives me that uplifting feeling that progress gives you. She’s text me some specialist Doctors she thinks may be able to help and suggested other reasons for my ailments that have never been mentioned before which I intent to investigate.

Rather than regularly bore my friends, relatives or subscribers about all the ways society/events/travel systems makes things difficult for people with disabilities, mental health issues, and invisible illness, I am writing letters and emails to people that might (or should) be able to make changes. Rather than just settling and thinking ‘that’s just the way it is’ or ‘ we just gotta deal with it’ I want to do what I can to force change. It may not work, but the feeling of purpose the action of voicing these issues gives make it worthwhile.

Saying NO is a great way of giving you that sense of control, and all to often we are scared to do so for fear of what people will think of us. It’s our right as human beings to say no to anything that doesn’t sit right with us, or not sensible for us to do for whatever reason, so don’t allow your people pleasing nature to push you into situations you aren’t happy with - something I’ve done all too many times. I’ve said no to working with a brand that isn’t cruelty free recently, because I had just enough money coming in this month to pay my bills, even though that fee would have been very helpful and allowed for a treat. I said no to attending Beauty Con and Comic Con because standing for long periods of time isn’t something I’m able to do right now for instance. I say no to a whole lot of social things now too, because I know at this time in my life that I can’t afford to go to them all, in terms of both money and energy.

Control is a funny thing to ponder when applying it to your romantic partner. I’ve been on a controlling relationship and it was awful, but I think what a good relationship can give you is a level of stability which ties in to that feeling of being in control of your life. The simple thing of knowing where you’re at as a unit and what your expectations are for your relationship is really important. Because Si is either working nights or on tour we lack a certain amount of control in terms of our schedule individually and as a pair, and that delivers a regular dose of stress. Trying to make sure we are free for each other when we need it most, or even allocating enough time to quality time together is hard right now and sometimes we feel like we can’t nurture what we have how we’d like to. We try do what we can to ensure the special thing we have isn’t running away from us. It’s important to talk honestly and openly as much as you can, and make some sacrifices elsewhere to ensure you both keep a hold of what you had and what to continue to have. Having honest communication and therefore information from each side can help you feel in control of whatever situation you find yourself in.

I worked out that YouTube was making me worryingly sad after an influx of negative comments in response to a recent video, so I decided to take that video down, turn comments off and take a break from posting. Some people may view this as cowardly but for me it was essential in my efforts to keep going and to gain control over the negativity that was coming my way at that time. Turning off the comments notifications has definitely reduced by feelings of anxiety too, and I think I will ever turn them back on. When I’m feeling stronger I can choose to go into my YouTube manager and have a look through them, but it’s far too dangerous to have them coming into my inbox and potentially viewing them in a low or vulnerable moment. I can’t control what every person thinks of me, but I can control whether I see their opinions.

I have a manager to help with my YouTube journey. As I can’t find a part time job flexible enough to work with my health situation I need to ensure I can make some money through my blog/channel and I need someone to help with admin stuff that my brain fog makes difficult to do. This isn’t always easy for someone who has always done EVERYTHING themselves, because sometimes you career feels out of your hands which is terrifying, but as long as you make it clear what you’re happy to do and whats important to you, you can make it work. In my case I found it necessary to have an arrangement where I am able to seek out a lot of work myself too and deal with certain aspects independently.

I hope soon I will gain further control. If I get to the point where I’m making enough money to live on, and hopefully independently from my parents, I won’t have to push myself so hard work-wise to the point of making myself (more) ill. I’ll be in that luxurious position of being able to be selective and choose the jobs I really want to do and rest up for when I’m not working, meaning I have more control over my health management, my finances and my confidence associated with being independant and successful.

I spoke earlier about the illusion of control this coat gave me. I felt like some exotic spy in it, so I was feeling control through the character my fashion choices created. But taking ownership of your appearance can give you that feeling of control, it doesn’t just have to be a temporary illusion. Whether that be embracing your size or shape, whether it be changing something about your looks that has always effected your esteem, or finding a style that makes you feel like you at your strongest. It could even be taking control of your spending habits and creating a wardrobe that makes you feel great without a strain on your budget. Cutting my hair shorter this year was one of my attempts at gaining control. It was tiring and difficult to look after and added stress and achey arms to my life, and I’m now far happier with my bouncier and less high maintenance look. I also stopped doing hauls and spending money just so I could deliver notoriously popular YouTube Content, meaning the money I earned was being spent more responsibly and making me feel like I had more control over my future.

So if you look at your life are there any areas that you feel you lack control in and is that making you feel unhappy, unsettled or frustrated? Is there anything you can do that could change these?

To anyone with an ongoing health issue, I particularly urge you to consider this. I think we underestimate how much having an illness we can’t manage or control effectively can effect your happiness, or sense of self. Sometimes I let it define me, rather than allow all the other aspects that make up my unique totality, and I refuse to do that anymore. We can’t control everything in life but we can control how we deal with it, while getting a firmer hold on a lot of the stuff we thought was untameable or out of our hands.

SHOP THE OUTFIT

ASOS Trench Coat in Vinyl (similar)- http://rstyle.me/n/csncsgccv6p

https://www.bershka.com/gb/woman/clothing/trousers/wide-leg-pants

Topshop Tassel Drop Earrings - http://rstyle.me/~a5V18

Similar Silver Boots from ASOS - http://rstyle.me/n/csncubccv6p

Should we blog for us or for you?

2017-09-16T15:30:00.001+01:00

This question is something that often pops in to my head when I think of my own YouTube journey, but also when I dissect the paths of others. I find my mind often goes to this query whenever an opportunity comes my way and I’m going through the internal though process of whether it would be right to accept it. I wanted to put it out to you guys today, just to see if you share my confusion.

It’s a well known peeve of YouTubers and Bloggers. You’ll create or write something you really love, even feel proud of. You may have slaved hours or days over it, sacrificed a night out with your pals, put in even more effort than the average upload. Then you upload it and it just does okay, far less than you imagined, or even ranks amongst your least viewed in recent months.

So when this happens what should a Creater do? Should they continue to make that kind of content, blame the blasted algorithm or YouTube glitches again, or take the relatively low views as feedback from their audience?

I think confusion arises at this moment based largely on not knowing what we are here for and what we are viewed as by those that visit our platforms. Are these our personal diaries, areas for the documentation of our lives and loves, or a place to turn our creative ideas in to a reality? Or are we here to serve others, to offer a service whether it be information or entertainment?

Let’s look at our channels/blogs and entertainment and approach this conundrum from the stand point of a TV channel or newpaper. If a show wasn’t getting good viewing ratings, or if a column wasn’t getting good clicks, they would get scrapped, and pretty sharpish too. So if we view our channels as our own online TV channels, then should we simply take heed of the view numbers and scrap the concept/theme of the less successful videos too?

Like I said before, a problem lies in the fact that for many of us these platforms have and do serve as a creative outlet, one that allows us to put the wacky ideas in our head into video form, and share to people in the hope they will get pleasure from them too. We feel a real sense of satisfaction when we see our ideas and visions realised, but I have a feeling that there’s something else which fuels a lot of people, and I think the sharing aspect of it is an interesting thing to ponder.

Why do we feel the need to share these creations? Is it because we require some sort of recognition for the things we create? Do we rely on the boost that positive feedback gives us to keep going and to encourage us to make more videos/blogs? Is the positive reaction that someone hopes they will receive the main push to create, or at least a large part of making the whole process feel worthwhile and rewarding?

Should your enjoyment of making the video be enough to get that feeling of enrichment and achievement? Has the social media world we live in today made us needy, and all too reliant on gushing comments and ever increasing numericals? Have we also lost sight of the fact a lot of those positive comments aren't necessarily true or factual and that they may come from a place of bias, agenda or idolisation (they’d say the video or blog was great even if it wasn’t because they adore the YouTuber). Are we posting videos for us because we need that ego massaged on the regular? Do some of us shape the videos we make to ensure there’s more chance of the ego getting a more thorough spa treatment? Things to consider…..

I’ve noticed that when a YouTuber starts doing well, which is signified by an increase in glamorous opportunities like press trips, celebrity interviews, premiere invites, etc there often seems to a bit of a lull on the persons channel or blog. They’re too busy going to the events and capturing the footage that there is very little time to spend on the accompanying content, or to keep up with the much loved content they used to make regularly. They’ll start missing upload days, putting videos up late, or having to drop out of things like Vlogtober. There are of course many exceptions to this rule, the people that still manage to maintain their schedule and post flawlessly to their blog and socials just as regularly as ever….but they are often the people that end up reaching burn-out, putting their health (mental and physical) at risk for the sake of their careers. This leads me on to my next point regarding the content we make and whether it’s for us or for you…..

We often reach out to our audience via Twitter polls or via our videos to ask you what you enjoy watching the most. I’ve noticed that most people answer saying that they favour tutorials and hauls with a chatty elements rather than super glossy aesthetically emphasised fashion and beauty videos. They’ll also say they love Vlogs too, but most notably the ones where we are doing very ‘normal’ things. Brogan Tate’s huge and fast growth is a great example of how everyday content is so warming and enjoyable to watch for many. My views and comments mirror this feedback too. Without a doubt the videos where I’m at home doing very mundane things with Si or my family, or chatting about everyday life moments and issues, are the ones that seem to connect the most. The ones that features celebrity parties and events…not so much. Yes it may give a window into a different world and offers glamorous escapism, but I think people seek comfort from watching moments that feel familiar. It’s why reality TV is such a loved format - you can almost pretend your watching a mate do things that you too have experience or go through on a daily basis.

So with all that considered and if we decide we should be making content for our audience, should we be turning down some of these opportunities and spending more time doing the normal and relatable things they enjoy watching? Should we put focus on nurturing the relationships we have and continuing on making the content that got us that wonderful community in the first place?

It’s certainly a complicated and multi-layered question, particularly when you consider that our audience aren’t paying us anything to view the videos and blogs we spend hours a week creating. Does this lack of financial commitment or support mean that they waver their rights to have an opinion or preferences that we HAVE or SHOULD to listen to? Maybe only the YouTubers with Patreons need to focus more on the desires of the audience? What do you think?

I think it’s largely about how you view being a YouTuber/Blogger and what you want to get out of it. If you’re in it to make money you will be more focused on whats trending on YouTube, what videos tend to do best on your channel, maybe what will lead to more paid brand work. You’ll be glued into your analytics and be very aware of what’s growing in the industry. I have a friend who only does Click Bait for instance, and while that’s not my chosen path that’s the route which will deliver what she’s looking to get out of it.

YouTube was never my dream career, and being famous looks like a ruddy nightmare to me, so I’ve never been focused on becoming ‘big’ by YouTube standards, I just always wanted to make enough to get by, and to do videos I feel are true to me where possible. I’m often doing videos or making decisions which are bad in terms of business and the growth of my channel but they’re things I want to say and get off my chest, messages or topics I want to put out there to a few people I know it will connect with from my subscribers, or because I need closure on an idea that’s been consuming my head for an annoying length of time. There’s some videos I don’t even share on my socials because they weren’t made to aid the growth of my channel or to be a big hitter, much to my network's dispair.

So while I’ve said yes to a few glam opportunities this week, I’ve also turned down a few big and financially rewarding ones too - some for moral reasons, some because I’m too tired and can’t face more trips to London, and other’s because I know that my Subscribers just won’t like it. With my financial situation this is not easy to do, in fact it’s darn right devastating at times. However knowing what I do about me and how much I beat myself up if I feel I’ve let myself down in terms of maintaining integrity, I know it’s not worth it, and I’ll find being a YouTuber even harder than I do at the best of times.

I pass this discussion over to you guys now.

Is your blog/channel your passion project, somewhere you use to create what you love or enjoy? Do you see it a business first and foremost? Do you think more about pleasing your existing audience or about how you can find new viewers as fast as possible? Should you say yes to everything you want to do (opportunity wise), even if you know your audience would prefer the everyday content and regularity?

I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments.

What I'm wearing

Another lovely dress kindly sent from the guys in Light In The Box. I love cold-shoulder dresses because you can feel feminine and sexy without baring too much flesh. I love these sleeve details too, it gives the dress a real bohemian feel. I know some people worry about these sorts of dresses in case they slip down, but this one stays nicely in place and is lovely to wear on a humid day. I'll definitely be taking it on holiday next year.

You can buy it here -

http://www.lightinthebox.com/women-s-casual-daily-swing-dress-floral-off-shoulder-maxi-short-sleeves-polyester-summer-mid-rise-micro-elastic-medium_p6220021.html?prm=1.5.1.2

Fashion: WHERE DID YOU GET THAT FROM?

2017-09-11T20:44:00.002+01:00

I haven't been doing a huge amount of fashion content over the last year or so because if I'm honest I haven't had the money to be going shopping willy-nilly, plus filming lookbooks is pretty tricky/impossible for me as a tired lone-wolf without an available and willing blog/YouTube husband. Instead I've been spending money on art equipment, Osteopath appointments, train tickets and study fees. The only times I have shopped this year has been for an occasion that calls for a new outfit, like a wedding or premiere, or if I've had a really poop day and I've allowed myself to treat myself to something affordable in the sales.

Anyway, that doesn't mean I can't share the few bits I've gotten over the last 9 months or so, just in case any of you like the look of them and would like to style them up yourselves.

For the first time ever I've used these special links that you see a lot of bloggers use. This is brand new to me so I don't know whether I've done it right, so please tell me if they don't work. Also I'd love to hear your feedback about how you feel about affiliate links on blogs, Instagram or/and YouTube.

Is there a platform you prefer them on to others? Does it put you off my content?

Let me know!

Mazza Menswear

We were shopping in the mens department of H & M to try and find Si a preppy summer blazer to wear on a stag-do he was due to attend in Jersey, one which would involve trips to the races and days on swanky boats. I of course got distracted by a selection of music tee's a few metres away from the suiting and ended up treating myself to this Marilyn Manson tee, figuring it would be a great garb for Bloodstock which I was due to go to courtesy of Kraken Rum.

http://www2.hm.com/en_gb/productpage.0455803023.html (not an affiliate link)

Living Trellis

I got this floral body because I wanted some coverage on my arms but still wanted to be cool (in both ways). I wore a sports bra underneath, but you could team with a pretty bralet or a strappy top....or nothing if you're on a mission to free the nipple.

I wore it on a night out in London when attending the screening on Annabelle Creation. At Premiere's you can go all out fancy, but at screenings you want to look like you've made a bit more effort than normal, without being too dressy.

I also wore when I was in Germany for Haldern Festival and teamed with my favourite grungy mustard cardie.

This is sold out but a similar style by same brand can be found here - http://rstyle.me/n/cr82gcccv6p

The Perfect Denim Jacket

One of those wardrobe pieces that is hard to perfect, and becomes on of your long lasting shopping missions. This summer I finally found my ideal denim in the form of this black (although it's more charcoal grey) denim jacket from New Look and it was only £24. I love how it is slightly boyfriend/retro in fit, and gives any outfit an instant effortless feel.

I wore it at Bloodstock, V Fest and Reading, as well as the Heavy Awards (pictured below). I also wore it when sitting down to be interviewed on a live Facebook stream by Style Counsel.

New Look Black Denim Jacket.

http://rstyle.me/ad/r3j4ccv6p

Silver Boots (similar from Pull and Bear at ASOS)

http://rstyle.me/n/cr8yx6ccv6p

V Fest Fashion

I'm not too concerned with looking current or on-trend, and in most of my at home vlogs you'll see me veer more towards comfort than style, but when I'm working with a brand to make a video I want my look to have a bit more impact (so they think I've made an effort and in case they share it). I got a bee in my bonnet about wearing orange, so when I found this orange Metallica tee I was particularly chuffed with myself, although it's probably a bit ironice to wear it to V Fest. These snazzy trousers proved to be very popular when I posted a picture of my outfit on Instagram, and fortunately they're still available to buy for those that messaged me querying where I got them from. A bargain at £15 too!

Pretty Little Things Brown Leopard Print Paperbag Waist Skinny Trousers.

http://rstyle.me/n/cr8ws5ccv6p

Boohoo Metallica Lily License Metallica Slogan Bright Tee

http://rstyle.me/n/cr8wzcccv6p

Your Wild Side Suits You

Being able to grab everyone you want to talk to on the red carpet is notoriously difficult. Usually I'm doing red carpet interviews for my channel, so aside from being disappointed if I don't get someone I wanted to get, it's never been a problem. However when you've been hired by someone (yes! I got paid), and given a list of people you HAVE to get some soundbites off, the pressure is on. So even though I wouldn't be visible in the final edit of the highlights reel I thought that my chances of getting people's attention may be increased by some sort of loud or out-there outfit. After trawling ASOS for a while I came across this suit. I ummed and ahhh'ed wondering whether it was too Bette Lynch to get away with, but in the end thought sod it, its only fashion! Although it was way out of my comfort zone I definitely enjoyed a night of being a bit more outlandish with my style - I'm sure for many this is tame.

Missguided Leopard Print Blazer (from ASOS)

http://rstyle.me/n/cr8w37ccv6p

Missguided Leopard Print Cigarette Trouser

http://rstyle.me/n/cr8w58ccv6p

Pastel Romance

If always had a bit of an obsession with pastels, so when I saw this ruffled beauty for sale on the website I knew I had to get it for my friend Mark's wedding. I only got to wear it once this summer, but I can't wait to wear it again next summer hopefully somewhere like Italy where I can wear it to a dinner situated with a view of a majestic lake. One can dream... It's a tad shorter than I tend to wear but because it's not too booby I was willing to put up with that, and teaming it with flats made it feel more within my comfort zone which tends to be in the unsexy area of dressing.

Grey Dylan Vintahe Floral Ruffle Wrap Dress. Now only £9!!

http://rstyle.me/n/cr8w9nccv6p

The Perfect Slip

This slip dress has got so much wear over the last few months. It's pretty and girly in that 90's way on sunny days, but can be given more wearability when layered over a tee or long sleeve. In the winter I may even try polo necks underneath and wear it with thick tights and boots. I love the patchwork element of it too, it makes it a tad more interesting than the average floral slip.

An added bonus for those that suffer from bloating, the trapeze fit makes it an ideal option to cover, the print making it impossible to detect the lumps and bumps you'd rather not show.

With Amber and Jade Pinkett Smith at the screening of Girls Trip

Nobody's Child Eleanor Black Mix Print Swing Slip Dress

http://rstyle.me/n/cr8xbaccv6p

Maxium Impact

Another item I have only worn once due to lack of reason/weather to wear it a second time. This is the maxi I wore to my brothers wedding. It was supercomfortable and great value for money. I have seen a few celebs in it too, I think it's popular because of it's lovely but unusual colour-way and nature inspired print, but also because of its lovely feminine drop shoulder details.

ASOS Cold Shoulder floral Maxi Dress

http://rstyle.me/n/cr8z42ccv6p

Happy Shopping everyone!!

Is switching off possible?

2017-09-11T12:43:00.003+01:00

I won’t go in to the why’s and what’s in this post as I’m going to tackle that in a future post, but last week it was completely necessary for me to step back from my phone and social media. It was wasn’t a case of just wanting to elevate some stress, or done in an effort to implement effective time management, this was a act of saving a life, my life.

I decided I’d have a few day (or whatever was required) where I wouldn’t post on Twitter, YouTube, Instagram, and I’d abandon WhatsApp, Text and Facebook messaging too. I pinned a message on Twitter saying I was peacing-out for a while, I changed my WhatsApp status to ‘Taking a break’ and informed one of my friends in my busiest WhatsApp group that I was taking a break so she could let others know if they were wondering why I was absent from the conversation.

Soon I found out that these steps weren’t enough.

While I’ve managed not to post on any social media for five days I’ve not managed to remove the the whole routine of checking that has become a staple of my and most of our days. So I realised part of the switching off process if about breaking the habit. Even though this was something I wanted to do, and fully my choice, my hand kept going to grab the phone - to check for messages or to start a scroll action of some type. I managed to stop myself, but as we know all to well it only takes a couple of seconds to see a message, comment, image or tweet that can make your mood take a download spiral. It also only take a second to see DMs, texts and email numbers increase to a stress inducing amount. It’s in those moments you start focusing on the fact that taking time out will mean that the moment you switch back on again will inevitably be even more stressful due to the backlog.

The most disappointing realisation from allowing myself just 5 days away is that some people wouldn’t allow it, or didn’t seem to think it was acceptable that I have it. From looking over messages, there was some from strangers who watch my videos who were making me feel bad for not replying to their messages straight away suggesting I was ‘too busy for them now”. There were the work clients who felt the need to email me on the weekend instructing me to send over invoices or reply to their emails asap. Then there were friends who sent message after message badgering me for a reply for something they needed help with, despite my status of being away. And it wasn’t a case of them checking to see if I was okay, it was them merely concerned with not getting the reply they needed.

Why don’t you turn your phone off I hear you say? Well yes, I’ve let my battery drain down to nothing numerous times over the last few days, and left it in my room in times where I’d usually have it in my pocket, or lit up in my hand. This is something I find hard, but not just because of an addiction to social media or because of my workaholic tendencies. This goes a bit deeper. When I was at uni, putting my phone on silent overnight on my then boyfriends advice, I missed a call from a friend in need who had gotten herself in trouble, a call that could that could have been our final conversation. So what if you’ve put yourself in the position of expected accessibility - someone that is relied on to be there for others. Does that mean that you give away the luxury of being able to switch off when you need it?

I’ve started to think the only way I can get close to the concept of switching off is when I’m on holiday, but most importantly in a destination with no 3/4G or wifi. When it’s something taken out of my hands, I at least won’t feel the pressures/guilt of not being there for people, or not being ‘on-it’ professionally, as much I would if I had a choice in the matter. Even then I know the thoughts will go to what I might be missing out on because I haven’t checked my emails, which friend or stranger I might be letting down because I’ve missed their call or message, or what fun adventure I will inadvertently opt out of because I’ve missed the WhatsApp group hype.

So what have I learned from the last 5 days. Well, I think it’s clear that I have a lot of work to do on myself in terms of managing my thoughts which hopefully my ongoing studies in Mindfulness will help - I clearly need to stop the pattern of guilt and worry that occurs whenever I take the foot off the tech/work accelerator. Knowing how I felt about the messages I read when I finally decided to check my phone properly, I will really think about how I message, or don’t message, others when they don’t reply in their normal speedy fashion, or if it feels they’ve been a bit absent from their normal methods of communication and content.

I also need to make changes moving forward to stop these things repeating when I need to step back again. I think they key is not ever fully stepping back in, to the extent I was ‘in’ before at least. The big problem is I’m now aware what happens when I do attempt to take a break, and that will undoubtedly inform my feelings of apprehension next time I try to do it.

Anyway, I think I’m going to exit some WhatsApp groups that although might be fun at times are probably adding stress, even if I don’t realise it. I’m unfortunately going to have to have less personal connections with subscribers and readers too, because while some add some fabulous interactions to my life, others add unwarranted and needless stress and pressure. In fact I think my whole work life will have to change considerably.

This last week I felt like something inside me has been extinguished and I don’t know if I want to continue any of this anymore. The more I spend with people who aren’t on social media, or in industries related to media, the more I recognise how detrimental to your mental health they are. I know I’ve had these wobbles before but this one put me and my life at real risk, and is any kind of success or job satisfaction worth that? I don’t the answer to that yet….

So I don’t know how present I’ll be anywhere online, I have a few things unpublished, already contracted or edited that will go up, but over the next few weeks I have some important thinking to do.

I just want to reiterate…

If someone hasn’t replied straight away, give them reasonable time to reply, and if they don’t, try not to bombard them, I can’t tell you how much stress that can create.

If their online behaviour seems out of the ordinary, maybe check what their statuses are or their most recent updates have been. If something feels off, check in with them just so they know you care.

If you are an avid watcher/reader of a Blogger/YouTuber please don’t rely on them to maintain your own mental health or happiness, or put them on such a pedestal that you make them you only go-to for advice. Please be realistic and fair in terms of your expectations of that person.They have a life away from work (or at least would like one) and they don’t know everything - they’re human, flaws, life stress and all.

The internet isn’t real life. It’s a snapshot, it’s a highlights, or now with relatable content, even a low light reel. There are secret agendas and motives. Don’t seek all your value or strength from it. Spend more time nurturing yourself and your in real life relationships that you know to be true.

Ask yourself honestly whether you truly need to be ‘online’ as much as you and whether certain platform are particularly responsible for effecting your mood. Ask yourself if there is a way to make things easier - turn off notifications, only check it a certain amount of times a day, turning off your phone in the evenings etc.

If all this tech stuff that is deemed expected and normal as part of your day in 2017 just didn’t sit well, ask yourself if there is another job role that you could still enjoy that doesn’t require you to do it. I’m definitely looking into more things I can do quietly behind the scenes.

I’m going to continue to peace-out from social media, and my phone, as much as I can for the meantime. You’ll see the odd thing I have or want to post, but my focus needs to be on the not so simple task of keeping going right now. I’ve not switched off but my finger is definitely pressed agains the button.

A great Vegan Mask??

2017-09-06T18:27:00.004+01:00

Time to introduce you to, or at the least sing the praises of another great Vegan product, this time courtesy of dr.organic. A quick visit to their website will tell you how dedicated they are to creating products that are environmentally friendly, and that as a brand they’re clearly always striving to use organically grown products (and even when its not possible, they source sustainable natural alternatives). Here’s a few other areas where they make an effort to be an ethical and all round fantastically conscious brand.

Bioactive ingredients

We use certified bioactive extracts to ensure each product is truly functional by nature.

Natural ingredients

Natural ingredients are used in all formulations.

No harsh chemicals

We do not use ingredients often criticised for their side effects.We never use parabens, sodium lauryl sulphate (SLS), perfumes or artificial fragrances.

No animal ingredients

All our products are suitable for vegetarians. In some products we used by-products from animals, most of which revolve around honey, these include; honey, royal jelly, propolis and bees wax.

No animal testing

Our products are always tested on human volunteers to ensure they are completely safe and effective.No animal tests are ever performed on finished products or raw materials.

No mineral oils

Petro-chemicals such as paraffin and petrolium are avoided, plant based oils and extracts are used.

No GM ingredients

Genetically modified or genetically engineered organisms are avoided to ensure all formulations are as natural as possible.

Preservatives

Where necessary preservatives are used to guarantee product safety and shelf life. Only the highest grade broad spectrum naturally derived preservatives are used.

So today’s review focuses on dr.organic’s Organic Tea Tree Deep Pore Charcoal Mask (jeez, that’s a mouthful), from their Skin Clear range of products. It’s not a product I picked up in store with intention or whim, but one that was contained in a goody bag from a recent beauty/health press day. This is why it’s so great for PR’s to give samples where possible, because it gives us the opportunity to test out products we may have never stumbled upon ourselves, and then discover ones we genuinely love and can’t wait to share our experience of.

I have always enjoyed the process of wearing face masks, and my favourites ones have always been the thick muddy types. I don’t get the same out of translucent ones that allow you to see the blemishes through, I relish that my imperfections are hidden and ‘masked’ while the deep pore action is taking place. I also don’t like the ones that stay wet and gloopy even after the recommended time. You may say that I need to get out more, but I think there’s something fun about feeling the products dry and harden on your face.

I know I shouldn’t, but I often leave masks on my face much longer than the advised amount of time (this one states to wash up once it has dried) but this is one of the only ones that hasn’t lead to a breakout because of it, which I think says a lot about the ingredients. Why do I do that? It’s not some weird rebellion in regards to instructions, no it’s to do with out a feel about my reflection. I like that I can pass mirrors and glass and not feel disappointed about what stares back at me. Yes I know it looks like i have something rather unpleasant drying on my face, but that’s preferred to being reminded of the areas of discolouration, active spots, or blemishes of ones recently passed. I can almost kid myself that I have clear skin while I wear them, which is an illusion I enjoy.

This deep cleansing treatment mask is infused with Willow Bark Extract and Charcoal. This mask is ideal for areas of problem skin such as spots, blemishes and breakouts, which pretty much sums up my whole visage since festival season came to a close. It boasts a proprietary blend of bioactive, natural and organic ingredients including Tea Tree Oil, Grapefruit and Chamomile Extract, this uniquely beneficial mask boasts natural AHAs (Fruit Acids) and Salicylic Acid which can help promote the rate of skin cell renewal. You will have seen Salicylic Acid mentioned in most beauty reviews, because it is this magical ingredient capable of fixing/helping all sorts of skin issues including acne, dandruff, or psoriasis, and is even sued to remove corns, calluses, and warts.

Tea Tree has always been one of my key spot fighting tonics. I have a bottle from Holland and Barrett that I put on those really face consuming spots, the ones that bring a pulse to wherever it’s located, the ones that are so swollen you develop and extra chin or feature to the face. Charcoal is another renowned ingredient, once activated it has the power to draw out bacteria, poisons, chemicals, dirt and other micro-particles to the surface of skin, helping you to achieve a flawless complexion and fight acne. Charcoal is not metabolised, adsorbed or absorbed by the body, but it can be used to treat some poisonous bites and disinfect some wounds. Chamomile is known for its calming abilities, it’s an extremely effective remedy for dry and flaky skin and any sort of irritation. What does Willow Bark extract do I hear you cry? Apart from being a non irritant, even at a level of 100%, equivalent to 10% synthetic salicylic acid, it has been found to increase stratum corneum turnover more so than salicylic acid - 24% as opposed to 22%.

Finally the wondrous Grapefruit. Like other citrus fruits, grapefruit is rich in vitamin C (great for collagen production) but it’s different from other citrus fruits in that it also has lycopene, a known cancer-fighting chemical. Grapefruit also has unique phytochemicals (a.k.a. bioflavanoids) that help promote skin health and general health. The skin consists of collagen which creates keratin, a protein building block found in skin cells. Grapefruit also has a phytochemical known as naringin which reduces toxins in the liver, which results in healthier skin.

Grapefruit extracts in creams can help remedy these pskin conditions such as impetigo, rashes, acne and dandruff.. Dandruff and psoriasis come from inflammation in the skin and this multi talented fruit can alleviate this effectively. Grapefruit extracts alsoincrease the pH of the skin, which may reduce acne.

So if you consider all these ingredients are within this mask in some form, it’s no wonder its great at helping towards clearer skin and visibly reduced pores. Every time I use it my skin feel noticeably smoother, so much so that I ended up stroking it all evening, probably encouraging more acne to show up and defeating the goal entirely. The obvious tightening of the pores also help me look a tad fresher. The most obvious benefit is that it appears to make my skin more matte in finish I guess because it’s removed some of the oil. All in all a big thumbs up for me, and a product I enjoy using a couple times a week on slouchy work from home days.

While I’m talking about how fabulous this brand is let me tell you about something else they have to offer us. They believe what you put into your body should be as good as what you put into your body, which is why they have created a simple sin diagnostic tool online to help you find your optimum skincare regime.

The tool asks a few simple multiple choice questions to gather an understanding of your skin type, level of skin ageing, any eye concerns and overall skincare goals. The diagnostic also takes into account the impact of the lifestyle and environment factors on the skin such as stress and pollution. By the end of the process you will go away with the perfect cleanser, eye product, day cream and night cream best suited to your skin and it’s needs.

So although this is the only product I’ve used from the Skin Clear range I imagine when used in conjunction with the others it would be even more effective. But if like me you tend to dart between different brands and products rather than opt for one brand systems, I can very much recommend this mask to fill that spot in your regime.

Have you tried this Mask too? What do you think?

Please recommend any other vegan masks in the comments.

Photo Gallery: Marika Hackman at Reading Festival

2017-09-06T15:06:00.000+01:00

I'm recovering from a very hectic night at the AIM Awards where I was responsible for interviewing presenters and nominees, and grabbing some tasty soundbites for their official highlights video. Such an honour to be part of an event celebrating our wonderful independent music scene. Sorry to anyone that had to talk to me I felt like I was melting like some fairytale witch under all the photography lamps, and pretty sure I was starting to smell like Greggs. These factors combined with my animal print suit, a risky ensemble which teetered a bit too close to tacky, meant that I was probably an unappealing prospect to the stars wanted to avoid promo duties.

For someone who loves the conversational aspect of interviewing, there's always an element of frustration doing interviews for a client because you have to stick to a string of questions in-keeping with their personal aims and goals for the video, rather than the questions your desperate to ask the artists or having the freedom to go off in wacky tangents. I have always admired Marika Hackman so I was very pleased to have a few moments chatting with her before she entered the main room full of it's decorated dining tables and flashy lights. If only we had more time to talk about her and her music though, hopefully another time!

Anyway this has given me a good excuse to post a few pictures I snapped very hastily at Reading. I had just arrived on site and was getting my bearings and doing my usual site recce to work out where all the different tents are located. It meant I got to grab snippets of all of the earlier acts on the Friday which are often the ones that became future favourites.

None of these shots are great, I hadn't had a chance to put the right lens out or sort any settings out at this point, but you guys know I'm not all about showing you just the best, the flawless, the highlights. Whatever the results of my shots, I just wanted an excuse to alert you to another musical artist you may or may not be familiar with.

P.S How much do you want her t-shirt??

S.A.D AND FEARING AUTUMN

2017-09-04T13:30:00.002+01:00

The recent bank holiday Monday, the day I came back from Reading Festival, we were all greeted with a glorious last surge of summer sun. So despite feeling like a dried up raison who wanted to hibernate to recover under the cover for the next week to return to metaphorical grape form, I said to Si that we must get out and bask in it. So we put on summery outfits, in my case an off shoulder print dress from Light In The Box that I hadn’t managed to wear yet due to a lack of holiday, and not being free to enjoy the few sunny days we’ve had in the UK. I’m never too comfortable wearing dresses that show off my décolletage, so I find cold-shoulder pieces the perfect solution - I think bare shoulders are just as sexy as displayed chest with less risk of a nipple reveal. This dress was only £10.55, and the site is full of similar bargains, but just please be mindful of custom charges that will come with an order from the UK. I love the bell sleeves and the print, it’s got real hippy bohemian vibes which is a vibe I’ve always been drawn to.

You can find it here -

http://www.lightinthebox.com/women-s-casual-daily-work-simple-sheath-lace-dress-solid-print-off-shoulder-mini-long-sleeve-polyester-all-seasons-low-rise-micro-elastic_p5747334.html?prm=1.5.1.1

For many of us Reading festival signal the end of summer. So with Reading 2017 being a week long memory now, I have had a few days to ponder how I feel about Autumns imminent arrival.

It’s fair to say my feelings are mixed at best.

I’ve seen a lot of people saying they can’t wait for Summer to be over, the majority of those being people who don’t cope well in the hotter months (fair skinned or profuse sweaters), people who have jobs that aren’t made easy by increased temperature - whether it be the work being more taxing because of it, or the tube commute delivering B.O and body crushing misery. Then there are the bloggers who much prefer their social feed aesthetic when filled with copper and rust hues, with outfit posts incorporating stylish coats and knitwear wishing the final few days of summer away.

For me it always brings a significant element of doom. Not only does it mean another birthday is looming (which at my age is nothing to be excited about,) but that the darker evenings and mornings are on their way too. Whilst I can’t say this particular summer has been at all successful at elevating my mood as much as I relied on it to do, I know all too well that Autumn/Winter will bring many more obstacles to my ability to stay positive and happy.

I’ve not managed to be well enough or in a position to neglect work to enjoy many of the beautiful summer weather we’ve had, so I don’t feel like I’ve been able to soak up my year’s quota of Vitamin D, and in turn the benefits it delivers to my body and mindset. I feel a bit cheated to be honest, and would love a second go at this summer. If I’d known how it was going to pan out I would have got myself in the garden during the first heatwave to ensure the glow soaked into my skin and gave me some nourishment that I could try and ration out over the summer months.

The reality is I don’t have the power to pause or stop seasons (Imagine if I did?!) so rather than dwell on the passing of my favourite season, or fear the one about to arrive, I should instead focus on emotional management, maintaining my mind and body health, and trying to seek out some positives.

When I first started to do my Mind Matters interviews I wanted them to be a useful reference for others to seek comfort or information, I now realise I too can gain a lot from my interviewee’s personal coping mechanisms and remedy’s. My recent one with Sean from While She Sleeps delivered a brand new perspective, with aids coming in the form of teas, Daoism, and changing how one perceives the entire concept of Depression and Anxiety (watch the interview to hear more on that). So while I will continue to do my meditation and be open about my battles with depression, I will also try to look into these Eastern religious practices. After half and hour with Sean, it was impossible not to feel convinced that they have some power to transform people’s lives for the better, and that western medicine and traditional routes aren’t always the right fit in combating these issues.

Knowing that I will likely spend even more time inside over the next few months I need to work on making my home and in particular, my bedroom, a sanctuary and somewhere that doesn’t add to the muddle in my head. I need to crack back on with my decluttering and create some space on my floor which is currently littered with crusty clothes, even crustier plates and cutlery, and contents of goodie bags which don’t seem to have a rightful place.

I also need to have some things/moments in my calendar to look forward to. For many Halloween or Christmas are something to work towards, or to count down to in excitable fashion, but as a fan of neither I don’t have anything to split up the months. A/W mentally feels like a big stretch of time to get through without being broken up by some joyous occasion or landmark event. This morning in bed I actually said to Si that we need to have a night in a hotel booked or a meal out at a restaurant we’ve always wanted to go to - just so there’s some light in what I predict to be a period of predominant darkness.

But perhaps that last sentence is part of the problem - the fact that I just assume A/W will bring a bad phase in my depression. The lack of sunlight and the shorter days has definitely had that effect in the past, but I have to recognise that my ability to combat it may be stronger now, and I may have coping mechanisms in place that could potentially make it more manageable. Maybe I need to try and not write off this seasons every year before I’ve given them a proper chance to prove that perhaps history doesn’t need to repeat itself.

But if things do take an emotional downturn then there is still stuff I can do to attempt to ease it, so I’ll continue with those….

I will finally buy one of those light boxes, and make soaking up the light rays part of my daily routine, just as important as brushing my teeth and the morning trip to the loo. I will also be more vigilant about taking my vitamins and supplements, and perhaps making sure my meals are a bit more nutritious. I’m sure I’m not alone in the fact that I gorge on snacks/unhealthy food when I’m feeling blue or bored, and while those snack attacks deliver a very satisfactory temporary high that I enjoy (A LOT) I know that it’s not nourishing my inside. By now, from personal experience and from the intel from Sean Long in my recent interview, I know that diet can have a notable impact on our emotional health, or our ability to improve it - so I definitely need to be more mindful of that. This is something I know I will find incredibly tricky, working from home makes it all too easy to regularly root through the food cupboards for Digestive biscuits, Monster Munch and Malteser’s, and these frequent visits to the kitchen have almost become routine and habit, and not just something I do when a craving hits. I imagine it’s going to be hard to break that cycle, so I’ll just aim to reduce it to begin with. Me minus Maltesers entirely isn’t a Soph worth knowing.

I need to also find a method of assessing myself in such a way that will let me know for sure when it’s right for me to say no to social invites/work events and focus on self-care at home, and when it’s helpful for me to me to push myself a bit, go out, and potentially snap out of the funk. I’ve always generally been the one to put on a brave face and keep working and socialising even when my mental or physical health is screaming at me to do neither. But in the recent year as I’ve delved into my mind further via blogs/videos/self assessment I’ve been more inclined to say no, without punishing myself with the sting of guilt or FOMO. As an natural workaholic and people pleaser this will never be easy for me, but it’s a step in the right direction for me to at least be attempting to strike a better balance with it.

This A/W I will also make an effort to try and reduce or eradicate the things I know bring needless extra stress. That may mean distancing myself from certain friendship groups where drama always seems a predominant theme. It will mean doing less of the work that brings pressure that isn’t somehow counteracted by equal reward. It may mean having some awkward conversations with people to enable you to do this, but in the long run it will make this period of time less IBS inducing.

This leads on to time management too. I need to make sure I spend more time on the things that lead to me feeling happier, fulfilled, appreciated, or that deliver growth of some sort. I know a lot of my darker days are fuelled by a feeling of resentment that’s birthed from putting effort in and it not being recognised or compensated in some form.

That leads me to financial woes. This has been one of the hardest years for me on that front, so much so I’ve often had to borrow from friends and loved ones to simply get by, which feels pretty horrendous and not great for one’s feeling of self worth. It’s been harder due to my field of work because I’m expected to be at festivals, and events, and they all require train tickets, taxi’s, petrol, and sometimes hotels. During the chillier seasons, I’m going to put my foot down and not feel pressured to be at events unless I believe they will be truly valuable to me in some way, whether it help my progress career wise, or nurture my soul in some way. I will be mindful of how I spend the money I earn. For instance I’d rather have an hours appointment with my osteopath which will leave me feeling better and less creaky for the week ahead, than spend it on going to London and schmoozing with people I’d never choose to spend time with in an ideal world, or on a dress that I’ll love for a few months, but will end up neglected in my wardrobe all of 2018 when that trend has passed.

One of the things that brings the most happiness to humans is helping others. This can come in many forms. Whether you volunteer for local charities or initiatives, visit a relative that you know lacks regular social interaction due to their situation, or whether you are simply that good pal being there for a friend who is going through something particularly draining, you’ll find great emotional reward in this. Don’t feel guilty about that fact that this is a mutually beneficially action either - obviously do it for the right reason, but embrace the high it delivers too. I think I’m going to focus on helping to make my partners career goals come true. We can get some bogged down with our own aspirations sometimes, we forget the joy that can come from helping someone else chase their dreams too. While I think it’s important to follow your own, it’s never good to be completely self obsessed and I think this is an easy trap for us bloggers to be a bit ‘me me me’.

This part of the year should also be about recognising that we have less hours of light, but giving that seemingly depressing reality a new slant. Do we dwell on the fact that’s less daylight, or do use it as fuel to motivate us to make the most of those hours? Rather than wake up and focus on the fact there is no longer sunlight streaming through the curtain and reflecting off my mirrored wardrobes and blinding me, I’m going to think about what activities I can do first thing in the morning that don’t require light. I will get up and do my meditations, perhaps do that much needed tidying I’ve been putting off, perhaps a bath (you could incorporate candles), writing emails, preparing food for the day ahead. Then whet the light finally arrives you will have had a productive morning that will make you feel great, and you can get cracking on those light necessary tasks - in my case taking blog pictures, or filming videos or going on a walk and kicking up those fallen leaves.

Finally, I know even after my attempts to install some rational thought in this blog, the end of summer will still make you/us feel a little bit sombre -we will always associate fun and freedom with summer due to its link to holidays, and the best day ever when we were young - the summer break from school. We can all make an effort to be aware of this and look out for each-other, and be understanding when things feel a bit heavy or misted by doubt or hopelessness. We can be that one to coax someone out of their hermit-ing, or be that friend who will join them for cosy/safe nights in when preferred or needed.

Think how we approach different seasons when it comes to aesthetics and beauty - in summer many apply fake tans, get waxed, get highlights refreshed and so on. Then in winter we apply extra lip balm to stave off chapped lips, change our moisturiser, buy tights in bulk…I say ‘we’ I do none of these things as I’m rubbish at grooming, but you know what I mean. If we do all this seasonal preparation to look out for our outer shell, why the hell wouldn’t we do it for our inside too. So let’s not let fear of what we deem to be inevitable to stop us trying to prevent the effects of S.A.D. Make this the year you try and work out what helps you, and elevate some of the negative effects of your individual reactions to the transition. There’s always something we can improve on in terms of tailoring our lives to suit our individual issues, tendencies, volume of emotional strain, and we owe it to this beautiful season to try and get to a place where we can enjoy it in all it’s beautiful coppered beauty.

PHOTO GALLERY: ARCHITECTS AT READING FESTIVAL

2017-09-03T16:58:00.002+01:00

Here's a bunch of photos I took from the crowd of Architects during their set on Sunday at Reading Festival. All taken with my little Lumix GM1. Sorry there's such a huge amount, my hard drive is being a bit sketchy at the moment, so I just wanted to have the insurance that the bulk are safely living on my blog, should it choose to pack up again!

So who's bought tickets to their huge show at Ally Pally?

PHOTOGRAPHY: DEAP VALLEY AT READING FESTIVAL

2017-08-30T16:39:00.001+01:00

All pictures taken from the crowd on my LUMIX GM1 - please ask permission to use images

Reading Festival 2017 - My Weekend

2017-08-30T15:09:00.000+01:00

I’m writing this at 6am in my too-low-a-tog sleeping bag, in a prison cell like university hall room, on the final day of Reading Festival. There’s a niggling and relentless buzzing in my legs, I’ve got a hormonal break-out, and I’m feeling anxious about heading back to site (and all those people,) but even with all that considered, this will go down as one of the best weekends of the summer. It always does.

As I said in my Reading look-back piece, it has become a staple fixture for almost half of my life on earth, so it’s no wonder it holds such a pivotal position in the calendar. Weirdly it’s become a bit of a landmark weekend for me too, one which makes me look back on what I’ve achieved in the last 12 months, even more so than new years eve. Mentally I always say to myself ‘by the next Reading I want to have done ‘insert some sort of achievement’ and I want ****** to have changed. Sadly another Reading has come (and nearly gone) and prior to it’s arrival I realised that I’ve not managed to tick off anything from the list of mental goals I had, and pretty much nothing has improved (in terms of career, financial position, the industry as a whole). In light of this I decided to do Reading very differently this year, realising that working your ass off isn’t actually recognised by the industry and doesn’t lead to any tangible reward, and that it actually just means you miss out on so many of the aspects that make a festival weekend freakin’ awesome.

So instead of being held hostage in the sweaty press tent doing interviews, I decided I’d do what the majority of my friends do, who jam-ily still guest privileges through their industry mates without having to do any work over the weekend, and just have a ruddy nice time watching bands and catching up with mates. There were 2 bands I wanted to interviews though (one of them being Korn) as they’re one of the only bands left from that I loved from that nu-metal musical era, that I am yet to chat to, so I fired their PR an email. When I discovered they weren’t do any press, I just thought ‘heck I just won’t do any interviews’ and just do an easy breezy blog this weekend, as I didn’t just want to interview the same people that have featured lots on my channel already. Of course a few days before the festival kicks off your inundated with emails from PR’s asking you to interview their bands. As an innate people pleaser I inevitably gave in on a couple of them, but only because I genuinely think the acts they were proposing are rad and I’d feel very happy spreading the word about them. The majority of those emails I had to ignore though as I know how I tend to fold, and how my planned chilled work weekend turns into the same old hectic story.

On the whole I’m so pleased I’ve kept the work volume down, but my workaholic tendencies to tend to deliver pangs of guilt, and that feeling of a missed opportunity. There were some big acts I could have got time with this weekend and I know some people will think I made a bad call in terms of my channel ‘looking cool’ content wise, but it was a move taken with self care firmly in mind. I think it’s so important to remind yourself and others what’s important and necessary. I don’t NEED to do interviews or to push my limits work wise at every festival, but I do need to ensure my mental/physical health is looked after particularly on a weekend that is fairly taxing on those things to begin with. I also realised that when I stop going to festivals entirely, I don’t want to look back on my times at these musical meccas and think about all the ‘friend time’ I missed out on because I was so obsessed with getting content. Just writing that sentence makes me feel sad, and I don’t want to do it anymore. Or at least I want to get the balance A LOT better. My friends that seem to have the best festival experiences don’t even have an unblurry picture to prove their presence, I think that say’s a lot. Live in the now people.

That said, this year I have had a lot of fun just walking around to the tents and stages with my little LUMIX GM1 round my neck, ready and waiting to capture some atmospheric moments. In another method of making festivals more pleasurable, and less draining on my personal battery levels, I’ve been making a point of putting my head down and attempting to leave the guest area unnoticed so I can just go and enjoy some music on my own. Watching a live performance with my friends is a blast - getting silly, dancing badly and screaming the lyrics in each other’s ears - but sometimes I want to stand in silence and just connect to the songs, and also not feel like a party pooper if I want to sit down while absorbing the music, or the lyrical mood. I also like that I can change my position in the crowd whenever I fancy, to try and get all the different shots without worrying about ditching or losing my mates.

So before I got myself trapped in the guest area and unable to leave I darted out on my own to explore the site -I wanted to familiarise myself with each of the tents (Main, Comedy, NME/RADIO 1, The Pit, Alternative Stage, BBC Introducing, Jack Daniels, Radio 1 Extra, Dance etc) and catch at snippet of an act on each. I managed to catch Iain Stirling of Love Island commentary fame, Haus, and Marika Hackman.

Opening the MainStage was Judas, who had an army of devoted followers singing along during their introduction to the weekend. I would meet the guys later on in the press tent and what a happy and buzzing group of lads they were too - they seemed genuinely thrilled and grateful to be there which was lovely to see.

I was so pleased to finally catch the badass ladies of Deap Valley, proving that a duo can provide enough impact and rock ’n' roll to tantalise a MainStage crowd.

I’m actually glad to not be Twilight fan, in fact I’ve never completed a movie, so the fact that Jamie CB is the frontman of the band Counterfeit is pretty irrelevant info to me (and I really don’t want to mention it), but I’m so pleased when a band that features a well known face can stand strong on their own merit, which I found to be the case here. I just wanted to know if they were a good band and if their live performance made me feel anything, and I definitely felt riled up. I even found myself on the edge of a circle pit.… not intentionally of course, but I was there all the same. All I can say is that it’s such a pleasure watching bands that invest everything into a live show, they well and truly leave their musicals guts on stage at the end of the battle and this lover of gore applauds them for that.I had only previously caught a song or two during their performance at Slam Dunk, but I hear what I experienced is definitive for the band. They’re a band that deliver intensity and vitriol, but also enough melody and hook to grab the sonic attention of new listeners.

A moment of comparative serenity now and some time languishing in the delightful harmonies of Jimmy Eat World. I chose this relative peace to have some food, and got some Halummi and Sweet potato fries from the veggie stalk to munch on/spit out while singing along to the likes of Sweetness, The Middle and Pain. I’ve never met someone that dislikes Jimmy Eat World, and I’m not sure I’d like to.

While on route to QOTSA/You Me At Six we caught a bit of Kasabian ‘You’re in love with a Pyscho’. Although they’re undoubtedly a good example of their genre, with lots of massive tunes, and I actually really like them as people, they’re not quite headliners in my head at this current time. But I think that more about me being immersed in a slightly different scene within the industry. I’m sure their ticket sales/record numbers would suggest otherwise.

QOTSA was another of those not so secret sets over the weekend, alongside The Pretty Boys (Don Broco), Drake and Stormzy. The tent was as brimming as you'd imagine and the ginger haired Elvis made a lot of people very happy.

I knew the crowd would be impressive for my pals in You Me At Six and the turnout for their headline set on the NME/Radio 1 didn’t disappoint. Despite their relative young age, they are veterans of the scene and five albums deep, it’s impossible for them not to curate a crowd pleasing set list full of songs perfect for those memorable festival sing-alongs, shirt wafting and pogo bouncing. A couple of tech issues didn’t faze the crowd in the slightest, with a nice mix of new and classic songs, fantastic light production and a feel good vibe, everyone left Friday in great spirits.

Saturday I was feeling fairly ropey when I woke up. When you’ve overdone it with CFS, you tend to get an onset of flu like symptoms and I arose to a sore throat, sniffy nose and all sorts of aches and pains, and I think that late night and lengthy (1 hour plus) taxi queue post YMA6 had delivered just that. Rather than force myself on site for when he bands kicked off I decided to just chill for a few more hours in my cell, hoping that it would increase the probability of lasting till Eminem.

I was sad to miss Casey and Mooseblood but also knew there would be plenty of future chances. When I went on site I was greeted by of my favourite faces and heard all the drunken antics of the night before which is always entertaining. Matty from the 1975 was on a nearby table, here to enjoy a day of watching bands with his friends like all of us music fans, I hope he wasn’t bothered too much by people for selfies and such while in his non work mode. Must be a bloody nightmare.

First act we watched was PVRIS, who have literally just released much anticipated new material, so must be really in the thick of things right now. You could tell Lynn was struggling with her throat a wee bit, but it didn’t matter at all because they’re a class act, so endearing, and have tune after tune. Everyone just wants them to smash it, there’s so much love for them here in the UK. The guest area was rammed today, I’m presuming the Real Slim Shady drew in the extras, so there was a conveyer belt of people to catch up with before heading back to the main stage again. I was persuaded by my friend’s fella that Migos was something we should experience, but it fell a bit flat for me to be honest. A few of us felt the hype man/DJ part was a bit to lengthy and it started to be a bit comedic with the explosion sound effects - a bit Ross Geller in friends with that keyboard. There were definitely people buzzing off it though, so I’ll just put it down to ‘not my cuppa tea’ - although next year I’ll probably be obsessed knowing me. I then referred to my Reading Festival app and realised I’d missed Marmozets watching it, and then felt the feeling of ‘meh’ turn to ‘grrr’.

The next band I went to see was At The Drive In. This was due to be my first time watching the band and I was hoping to see all the acrobatics and afro wobbling I’d fallen in love with when I first saw the One Armed Scissor video on MTV2. Cedric didn’t disappoint on that front, almost risking ripping his beautiful double denim combo with every leap and bound. Annoyingly I got a text to say my interview had been brought forward so had to tear myself away from the mintage and sprint back to the press tent to set up in a sweaty panic.

My interview was another for my Mind Matters series, this time with Sean of While She Sleeps. It proved to be a bit of a game changer. He offered a real insight into an alternative way of dealing with anxiety, a method which has worked complete wonders for him. It’s made me rethink a lot about the information I share regarding tools to cope with anxiety and depression.

Next up was one of the acts I have been most looking forward to, as a former noughts ‘metaller’ , the mighty Korn. I haven’t seen them live for a number of years. I was not only impressed by the dedication to complicated and impactful hairdo’s but also Jonathan’s voice. I thought they sounded great and when you hear that intro sequence of Blind, you are reminded of their very particular genius. I loved every minute of it, and even the guy next to me who didn’t know any of their stuff and who ‘wasn’t into this type of music’ said he was loving it. Someone needs to restrain me during Got The Lift though, my attempt at ‘that’ bit is probably the most embarrassing things to be seen as Reading, even worse than the people being sick in bins or with dicks drawn on their backs.

The man we’ve been waiting for was here. A little bit older, and with a brown stubble we’re not at all used to, still lithe darting round the stage grabbing his man bits and doing that thing with his fingers he does in time with the lyrics he’s spitting. He played a lot of the hits, the collabs with Dido and Rihanna, and a bulk from Marshall Mathers. A hella amount of nostalgic fun, but sadly lacked a bit of impact due to some volume issues. I actually wish I had gone to see While She Sleeps for a bit, as they’re one of THE BEST live acts going, but my body was struggling and the walk to the tent was enough to tip me over the edge sadly.

Sunday came and inevitably some of my friends were starting to flail…I’m being kind, if I’m honest they looked like extras from 28 Days later after two days of ferocious drinking. I was planning to come and cheer up the last minute editions to the line up, The Xcerts, who would be opening the MainStage on this final day, but sadly taxi issues and hungover mates meant I just missed them.

Their pals in Architects would be the next band I managed to catch, having spent the majority of the day catching up with everyone who had come for the final day of festivities. It was an inevitably emotional performance, but one full of guts and glory. As well as chants for Corbyn, the crowd made of a point of sending support to boys thrusting arms towards the stage and shouting, as they did for Tom too, whose presence was felt throughout this show (and every single performance). I defy anyone to have walked away from that maintstage performance unmoved, it had vitriol, hurt, passion and motive and you could help but get caught up in it. This was the first time I’ve witnessed an Architects set in full, and I did so from the mosh pit to experience it at maximum intensity…it definitely won’t be my last.

One of the best parts about having a press pass, is that you’re more inclined to hear rumours of surprise sets and guest appearances. One of my journo pals received a text from an industry pal saying we should expect to see Drake appear with Giggs, so we knew to be at ready to dash out of the tent and sprint towards main-stage. I only managed to get one image to prove I was there, but it'll do.

There was no doubt that I was going to spend some time watching Liam Gallagher this weekend, he is an icon for my generation after-all, and also has some of the most amusing merch going right now. During the Brit-pop era I was a rare breed that loved both Blur and Oasis, but I think I always leaned a tad more to the Gallaghers, so I was stupidly excited to get to see him this weekend him as adult. His stance and vocal was classic Liam, and I was pleased that he was happy to perform some of the classics for us.

One of the biggest crowds of the weekend goes to Charlie XCX in the Dance Tent. I couldn’t help but notice it was a predominantly young crowd, of both girls and boys, who were lapping up her unique edgy-pop formula. Of course ‘Boom Clap’, ‘I Love it’, and her latest song ‘Boys’ garnered huge cheers and enthusiastic sing a longs, but I was surprised to hear that pretty much every track received the same level of cheer. She's a star, and has the perfect balance of relatable and 'cool' factor,

I was surprised that the tent wasn’t fuller for Halsey, but I think scheduling meant that many were torn between her and our brit sass-pot Charlie. I loved her set, both the cool pop melodies and the floral stage which was bombarded intermittently by huge black inflatable balls.

I’ve never really understood why Muse are so polarising, I can’t imagine watching them live and being able to come away with anything but adoration and , but each to their own. I could have confidently written this review last week, as they predictably blew my socks off (and the rest of my sweatied clothes). With so many huge songs in their armoury it’s impossible to have a lacklustre show, and even though they missed out a load of my favourites I didn’t feel bereft in the slightest. In fact promenades of their quality always remind me why I wanted to be part of the industry in the first place. Just the songs, their production, and masterful musicianship would have been enough, but they had to cement their Reading legacy further more with a guest from Brian Johnson of AC DC, who performed Back in Black, accompanied by a clearly ecstatic Matt, whose face said ‘is this really happening?’ throughout.

What a weekend! Once again this iconic festival reminded me why I come every year. Yes it’s changed a lot since my first time 15 years ago, and it does appear to be evolving into an event that’s very different to the rock festival I first fell in love with but that just means there’s new things to discover and fall for. Massive crowds for the likes of Major Lazer, Migos, Charlie XCX are testament to the audiences the festival is now drawing in, but perhaps also prove how we are more open to having varied music tastes these days. You’ll be hard pushed to find a festival which caters to so many moods, genres, and tastes, so if you’re looking for weekend to deliver a heady amalgamation of metal breakdowns and mosh pits, grooves and indie spangly guitars, grimey beats and rhymes, and infectious pop and euphoric choruses Reading and Leeds 2018 tickets are on sale now.

All pictures taken by me on my LUMIX GM1 - Reading gallery coming soon...

MY ODE TO READING FESTIVAL: OUR RELATIONSHIP

2017-08-22T15:47:00.002+01:00

I have made a point of not working out exactly how many Reading Festivals I have been a part of because I’m sure the exact number will only serve to make me feel even more ancient than I already do. Let’s just say it’s around the 15 mark. On the whole these sorts of realisations fill me with a horrible sense of doom and despair. However in this case I can positively say that my rather depressing number of years on this planet has meant I’ve been able to be present at Reading during some unimaginably awesome line ups, some life-changing live performances, as well as life altering personal epiphanies and hilarious calamities.

Many of my early Reading Festivals weren’t documented in visual form via photos or video, because in those days the extent of our media kit were temperamental disposable cameras, and a few panicked texts on our Nokia’s saying ‘Where are you?”. The results of said disposable cameras were always disappointing.…and worthy of disposing of quite frankly. When we picked up the yellow kodak packet from the developers many would be charcoal grey sheets of rectangle shiny photo paper, if the entire film hadn’t been completely ruined by water/urine damage or something.

Anyway, in this post, despite what will be an array of AWFUL photography I aim to look back at my personal Reading history, picking out some memories I hold fondly…and not so fondly. On my channel I’ve done all the packing videos, I’ve done the Q and A’s, talked about festival hygiene and wellness, and they all still get viewed every year ahead of the August bank holiday, so I thought I'd so something different this time. Instead I’m bringing you this personal flashback of my most visited festival and hopefully induce some cringe and excitement for the impending weekend.

In 2002 I made the decision to go to Reading with a group of boys, the majority of whom I didn’t know very well. It may seem an odd decision to camp with strangers of the opposite sex for one of your first full on festival experiences, so I’ll explain. At that time of my life I was a tom boy, and had always had a lot of male friends (I was the sole girl invited to boys night’s out), but I was venturing into a new phase of my life where not all boys saw me merely as ‘one of the lads’ and there was one boy out of this group that had made it known. Although nothing had been cemented romantically, the late night texting and regular msn conversations prior to this weekend had made it clear we were fond of each other, in a more than friends type of way. I was a very late bloomer in the romantic arena, one of the last of my group to have my first kiss (I actually feared it would never happen), so I was a bit worried about what sharing a tent would lead to. However I thought the fact that there would be other people in the tent would bring a bit of a sealing point in terms of how far things would go, which stopped my inexperienced self from panicking too much.

Why is everyone 50% more twatty at festivals? Important question

Look at everyone sitting so politely like it's school assembley watching Weezer. Loving River's long sleeve under tee combo. So of the time.

In those days I suffered from bad acne, and pretty soon into the festival I could see my skin sprouting new things I didn’t want my face to be a garden for. I remembering feeling increasingly self conscious because I didn’t want the boys seeing my stroke on my Rimmell concealer like war paint to try and hide it, as I felt like it was admitting to them that I wasn’t naturally attractive, and that I was weak and (girly) and cared too much about my appearance. I didn’t realise till this festival how quickly my hair would become diabolical if unwashed and unbrushed, and how overly fragrant my young body would become- it was a big reality check that this would not the ideal place to ignite a romantic fire. Despite my accidental dreads, my skin which was a weird raspberry ripple colour because my pale concealer no longer matched my slightly sunburnt skin, and my body which was less than it’s freshest self, some sexy activities did occur in that claustrophobic and damp tent. After that I have to say I soon realised things weren’t going to progress with us long-term, and intentionally separated myself from the boy for a large remainder of the weekend - choosing to hang out with his mates or even make friends with strangers in the crowd. I was in that post sexual encounter awkwardness phase that many of us went through in our teens - wondering what they thought of us, our body, our smells, our technique etc. During this time of separation from the group I decided to check out some of my current favourites like Weezer who were playing the main-stage. Some other bands from that years stellar line-up included Incubus, Slipknot and mammoth headliners in the form of Prodigy (who blew my tiny little mind), The Strokes and Foo Fighters.

As predicted our brief romantic tryst lead to a complete fizzling out of whatever had been forming, but we became good friends, and I can safely say this festival was the catalyst behind a different lust - a passion of alt/rock/metal music. Aside from stand alone concerts which I was attending regularly, the bulk of my ‘festival’ experiences had been the very PG Party in The Park (a yearly event from Capital FM featuring charts acts/legend/musical performances). Despite feeling. and looking rank, I loved the freeing feeling of getting a bit grimy in the fields, being forced to bump and grind against a sweaty/hairy back in the mosh pit, eating noodles riddlds with MSG, being the Soph that my parents didn’t know, and most importantly….discovering bands to obsess over.

2004 was one of those year’s that has gone down in Reading history, alongside the year 2000 when cartoon humans Daphne and Celeste dared to grace the main stage, much to rock fans dismay - I remember recording The Big Breakfast so I could show my parents what had happened at the festival. This year it would be 50 Cent who would feel a wrath for bringing mainstream/ chart hip hop to the MainStage. It wasn’t long after he came on the stage, full of bravado, that he started performing a little further back, trying to avoid the bottles (and far worse) being pelted from the crowd in the direction of his being. But did he just take it? Course not. It wasn’t long before some of his entourage came out with a crate of water bottles to start a counter attack. If I can remember correctly the show came to a premature end. It was also this year that Rasmus suffered a similar fate, I remember seeing one missile catch the singer rather painfully directly in the face. I actually felt really bad for them, as I don’t think they had any idea of their polarising quality here in the UK, and the fact their single ‘In The Shadows’ had been so overplayed. They looked genuinely hurt.

I didn't queue but took a shot of them at the signing

The next year I want to talk about is 2005, because the line up was unbelievable and one that people today would still pay a lot of money to experience. The Pixies,The Killers, Queens of the Stone Age Foo Fighters Kings of Leon, Biffy Clyro,The All-American Rejects, Iron Maiden Marilyn Manson, Incubus, Iggy and The Stooges, NOFX, Funeral for a Friend, Alkaline Trio, My Chemical Romance, Bullet for My Valentine, and thats just to name a few. At that stage of my life I was also into bands that came under the indie bracket, the sort of acts that were being featured in magazines like Select and Melody Maker. On the NME stage we had The Cribs, Hot Hot Heat (how good was their song Bandages) The Subways, Babyshambles, Arcade Fire, Bloc Party, just to name a very few. On the Carling stage there The National, early stage Arctic Monkeys and the short lived but awesome Test Icicles. In short, 2005 was unreal, and perhaps my favourite line up to date. This was a year I was full of nativity and the zest of youth, and was completely committed to getting in the thick of things. As you can see from these horrendously bad photos I was deep in the mosh pit for Marilyn Manson, Foo Fighters and Incubus, and didn’t care that it would mean smelling like a bin for the rest of the weekend.

The Killers at their signing....look at those early noughties skate belts.

Examples of abysmal disposable imagery - Marilyn Manson -

Kings of Leon - before the sexy plaid makeover when they were elf princes

Queens of The Stoneage with no clear facial features.

This is Bloc Party, honestly

In 2012 I was well into a new phase of my festival-ing. I was no longer going as a regular punter and instead working at the festival in the guise of a journalist. This year I was at the Leeds site as I was working with Relentless at one of their official bloggers, interviewing artists performing on their late night dance stage. I was also working as an official on camera interviewer for the festival too - delivering all the interviews on the run up, and on the weekend of the festival for their YouTube channel. It was such a huge honour to get that job, but extremely daunting too. I knew I’d had to prepare myself not only for a huge workload, but also for the trolling that comes hand in hand with doing the main interviews for a festival. I don’t think people realise how much having ten interviews in a row can challenge you mentally, that’s a lot of names, dates, album names etc to remember. It was a steep learning curve for me having always written my own questions and edited all my interviews myself, to give control to someone else, and conduct interviews how they wanted so it was suitable for their audience. It would prepare me really well for future presenting work for other clients though, and an experience I would very much do again.

It was really hard having wrapped up my day of interview after interview, and running from backstage to a different stage's backstage to meet the bands and film, to then head to the late night tent to do my interviews for Relentless. I remember one of the headlining DJ’s deciding he wanted to do his interview after his set instead of before, meaning I had to wait around to 3am to do it. I remember being so tired I felt teary.

I also remember hoping this work would be the turning point for me, but also feeling frustrated that it had come at a time when I was at my lowest ebb. As you can see from the pictures/videos my hair is shorter than I usually had it, and that is because I was suffering from extreme hair loss due to stress and had cut it short in an attempt to make it look its usual thick self. I had suffered a huge trauma which I hadn’t started to deal with it, so was dealing with depression and decline of my health in general. I tried to keep a brave face on it as I giggled with The Blackout, shared party tricks with Bastille, took in second hand smoke with Justice, and danced badly with Don Broco, but it really was struggle. I still feel sad that this opportunity didn’t come when I was a bit older and in a better place, I’m sure I could have smashed it at another time. Anyway lots of great memories and footage to look back on nonetheless.

Dancing with Matt and Simon of Don Broco

Interviewing The Blackout in 2012 - miss those faces

It might just be me but he looks a bit like that guy from 5SOS no?

There were a few years that I attended Reading my one of my oldest friends Laura (we’ve known each other since we were four). One year she joined me with my friends from art school (why is it always scary to mix different groups of friends) and another year she brought her housemate Liz. Every time we had an awesome weekend because we are huge people-watching fans, and Reading delivers an abundance of amusing and ridiculous sights courtesy of the mixture of fun loving people attending. There was the year we made friends with Mikey from Big Brother (of Grace and Mikey fame), the year we decided to take everyone up on those free hugs, and then year we decided that we’d never do it again. Laura has since worked as a high flyer at L’Oreal and Nails Inc, and now works as Personal Trainer, but when we were young she pursued a career in music via internships. Some of the acts she was working on were Natasha Bedingfield, as well as Mudrugada and a new band called Kasabian she wanted to show me at the festival. Who knew years later that I’d interview them and then a few years further they’d be headlining this legendary festival.

Laura was also present one of the early years. We used to camp near the stream so we could pee there in the night (where all the blokes did with their much handier urine transporters) rather than trek to the stinky toilets with our torches. This lead to numerous icky but ‘funny in hindsight’ moments. There was the time we trod in human poo, and found the owner of aforementioned excrement. The time I slipped when squatting for a pee and ended up essentially bathing in the pee stream. My leg had been freshly shaven, so I inevitably had to brave an angry looking infected leg for the rest of the weekend…lovely.

Reading 2010 was another year I went with a group of boys. I had a guest pass but was choosing to spend my time with my pal Grant and his mates on site instead. At this point I had started to get to know the Young Guns guys, but it was early days and way before Si and I got lusty. They were opening the mainstage and I remember telling my friends we had to catch them, even though they were hungover and wanting to fester in the tent for a bit longer. I know it's a bit cringe to admit, but I was genuinely a fan of their music. Thank goodness though, otherwise the last 5 years would have been pretty grim.

I can’t remember which year this next memory was created, probably because my brain has tried to blank it out like it tends to do with some of the less favourable moments. I was with my friend Claire who was part of my festival team for many years (she sadly got stolen by an aussie bloke and lives on the other side of the world now). One year at the festival with her I discovered my then boyfriend had another girlfriend. He had invited her to the festival as his plus 1, not realising I would be there. Idiot. Did I go home? No. Did I drown my sorrows and do a simultaneous cry/vomit in a portaloo. Nope. After all what’s going to pick you up/allow you to wallow, better than singing your lungs out to a heartfelt song with thousands of people.

This was also the year I discovered Silent Disco’s and the fact they are the best thing to be invented…ever. Claire was also my 'Deftones' pal. I remember one year we travelled back to London from Reading (I think it was The Forum) to watch Deftones play, even though we would be seeing them play the festival the next day. Die hards for Deftones.

I've done a number of interviews with high profile acts over my years at Reading - , Twenty One Pilots, Fall out Boy, Imagine Dragons, All Time Low, Maccabees to name a few, but none made me more nervous than BabyMetal. I don't use notes for interviews, preferring to chat and see what flows, but for this I had to send over questions over that I wanted to ask (within a range of acceptable themes) which would then get the go ahead and be sent over to prepare the band and their translator. I didn't realise on top of that, that a huge crowd of people would gather round to watch as I carried out this 'out of the oridinary' chat. They were delightful, polite and extremely sweet, but I couldn't hear a word because of the buzz and hubub their presence had caused. Definitely one of my more stressful memories.

Also the year my friends and I competed to wear the worst t-shirt they could find

If anyone’ still reading this after my poo stream admission, lets fast forward to this year. Having spent the last few years chatting away in the press tent for the majority of the weekend I am making changes this year. I want to enjoy the atmosphere that non guest/press enjoy, out in front of the stages, and outside of the confides of the ‘work’ arena. I will of course be utilising the luxury of the guest loo’s (regularly) and making using of the guest benches which are so vital to me these days when festivals are becoming increasingly difficult to get through, but I want to experience this incredible festival a bit more like I used to….minus the mosh pit activity of course (way too old for that). I know it makes you feel super cool to be side of stage (our inner ego loves it too) but the sound and the view is genuinely the best in the field, so do enjoy being part of that community. Singing along with your friends, those you’ve gone with and those you’ve made over the weekend, delivers an unbeatable high and it’s one that shouldn’t be taken for granted. How lucky we are to experience bands that infiltrate our day to day life, in person, with all the beautiful imperfections that ring out during a live performance.

I know this piece has been littered with memories that some may view as negative, less than ideal….even gross, but I want to inform you that to me, this is a love letter of sorts to my beloved Reading Festival. Who said love was ever simple, seamless and unblemished.

Making memories with The Superket Noel last year

My relationship with Reading has been longer than many marriages, about ten times as long as most celeb ones. We’ve been through some shit, literally, but we stick together through it all. We’ll have good years (line ups), we’ll have less good years . For better, for worse, in sickness and in health I’ll still be there. Till death us do part. You get the gist. I’m completely devoted to you, dearest Reading festival, because you’ve taught me so much…. about me, love, friendship and the unifying and healing power of music. Every year you bring colour and energy to my summer and manage to reignite love for bands I’ve been neglecting, and introduce me to new ones that will decorate my Autumn, and lift me during post festival-season blues. Reading, you’ve come a long way baby. You’re willing to try anything, you’re daring and happy to mix with those different to you, you're contemporary, you embrace the old and the new…and you make a lot better food these days. Here’s to many more happy years together.

Let me know in the comments if you're going to be there...

BLOODSTOCK FESTIVAL WITH KRAKEN RUM

2017-08-15T18:16:00.002+01:00

What a whirlwind of weekend I’ve had. I’m pretty sure I’m just a husk right now. I flew from a festival in Germany, with just enough time to wash and pack (although not very well, it would turn out) and then hop in the car and head to my very first Bloodstock festival.

The very generous guys at Kraken Rum invited me to enjoy their Freaky Tiki bar over the weekend, and with that, introduced me to my new favourite festival. I was also able to bring Si with me too, which was such a lovely bonus. We’ve been unable to do a holiday this year due conflicting schedules and a conveyer belt of bad luck, so we decided we’d treat this like a summer getaway of sorts. But obviously due to Si being in Young Guns, he sometimes finds it hard to consider a festival as a break, or even something to do simply for fun. For him, they fall into the‘work’ bracket due having spent the last ten years playing them around the world. However, we knew this was a festival minus our usual crowd, so we would be able to spend some quality time together, and avoid being caught up with work chit-chat every five minutes.

I’m a creature of habit, so for the last decade (or more) I have pretty much stuck to the same schedule festival-wise. It’s only in the last couple of years as opportunities have arisen, and impressive line ups have come under my radar, that I’ve branched out and tried different ones, with mixed results to be honest. I was extremely hopeful about Bloodstock though....

I’d heard a lot of great things about the festival, but with my unique health needs/issues I was interested to see how I’d get on at UK’s largest independent Metal festival.

When I looked at the line-up there wasn’t a vast amount of acts I was desperate to see, nor that I was familiar with, but I didn’t see this as a negative, if fact it was a massive plus point. As a music nut there is nothing I like better than stumbling upon a new act to fall in love with, and with so many names completely alien to me on the line-up there was huge potential for this. I was looking forward to leaving the festival with a whole new playlist of bands to obsess over and reignite my love of metal that was first fired back at school.

I have also been working as an interviewer at festivals for the last 7ish years, so it would be an absolute joy not to have a strict schedule to have to run by, and to be able to just switch off and enjoy the live music on offer throughout the weekend.

Ghost was the band I HAD to see this weekend. I interviewed Nameless Ghoul a couple years ago, and although I struggled to comprehend everything he was saying due to the tricky combo of mask induced muffled, press tent chatter, and foreign accent, I found him an incredibly interesting gentlemen. Our chat only served to increase my annoyance that I hadn’t been able to ever catch their live show due to being detained doing interviews whenever they've been playing. This time I would finally be able to experience Ghost in all their glory, and what a masterful and theatrical display it was. Si has been in his alt/rock bubble for the last few years, so isn’t hugely au fait with current ‘metal’ either, so he was completely in the dark about their unique offerings. When I looked over at Si a couple of songs into the setlist he was wide eyes and open mouthed, staring at the stage in complete wonder. I’m not even exaggerating either, I actually had to tell him to close his mouth. But this embarrassing truth from our time watching Ghost captures how incredible they are to watch. They’re definitely one of those bands you have to see to understand, and to get the most out of what they do. The combination of the lighting design, religious backdrop, the costumes, the masks, and commitment to their roles have catapulted them to the top of my fave festival moments of all time.

Si was a huge Hatebreed fan in his youth, so that was another main stage act we wanted to make sure we got involved with. We stood a few metres in front of the sound desk so that we had a nice central view of the stage, close enough to feed off the energy of the mosh pit, but not close enough to be in severe danger. After a few songs of singing along, Si handed me his cup of Kraken with a determined expression on his face and said….I’m going in. I think it’s safe to say he was already enjoying Bloodstock and it’s heavy ways.

One of my revelations from the weekend was Arch Enemy. It was my first time seeing the swedish Death Metal Band and I was completely transfixed by Alissa White Gluz, with her superhero outfit, blue hair and absolutely unbelievable metal vocals. I can’t sing along in the car without losing my voice the next day, how her vocal chords survive her performances I will never know!

Puppy have been one of the bands I've been listening to when working home from this year, but this weekend was the first time I’ve managed to see them live (performing on the Sophie Lancaster stage). They are an extremely tight live band, and I can't wait to watch them progress as it's still relatively early days for them. There's some early Deftones sounds ringing out from some of their riffs, which I LOVE!!

One of the greatest things about the festival is that nothing about the days there felt like a hassle. It was so well organised and facilitated that you never had to queue for more than about a minute for anything, whether it be a food stall, bar or portaloo. The Kraken Tiki Bar was no exception, with the bar staff extremely fluent in serving up their delicious array of Summer Eclipse rum cocktails throughout the day.

It proved to be a very popular haunt for festival guests, because even though the themed area was sectioned off to create a sanctuary of sorts, it still had an incredible view of the Main Stage. It meant that even if you had to stand at the bar to get a drink, or were a sitting down within the palmed space, you wouldn’t have to miss out on any of the action.

There were Kraken Huntstresses in badass black boiler suits hosting the area and making sure everyone visiting the bar had the experience they wanted, whether that be a party or a much needed chill. They were encouraging impromptu air guitar and head banging contests, whilst giving away branded goodies to deserving punters.

One of the major perks of the weekend was that we had some vouchers to spend in the bar, which meant we would be able to sample the different concoctions without feeling too guilty about our expenditure, and in turn giving us the info needed to give you a trusted overview of the selection.

My personal favourite of the Summer Eclipse cocktails was the INK SPRITZ - crushed ice, rhubarb soda, lillet, Kraken, orange slice and rhubarb stem. I love how it made the back of my throat flinch in that way that tart stuff does.
Si’s favourite was the POISON APPLE - cracked ice, lemon juice ginger syrup, Kraken, cider and a wedge of lime. He reckoned that the ginger would be soothing for his festival belly, so it was medicinal as well as delicious.

As you guys know by now, I’m not a big drinker, and only treat myself now and again. I genuinely believe because it’s a a rare thing (compared to my uni days at least) that I can taste the flavours more intensely and really savour each sip. I think these Kraken Rum cocktails have stolen my heart from my beloved Mojito, and that's saying a lot!

Although this is a post focused on yummy rum cocktails, I have to touch one the food offerings too, after-all we all know how drinking usually leads to wanting to devour a copious, and frankly gross, amounts of food.

On our first day I enjoy a spinach and potato curry from the Indian Street Food stall. I was feeling a bit smug about my choice, because not only did it feature my one true love (the potato), it felt like a fairly healthy option in terms of festival dining. Of course I pretty swiftly counteracted that good behaviour with a Crunchie/Dime milkshake hybrid from the adjacent stall. Oh well….
Si is a big foodie, so when he’s greeted with a huge amount of choice he actually finds it incredibly stressful. We had seen loads of people walking round with bowls of bright yellow rice so we knew the Paella store would be the sensible option, and thankfully he wasn’t disappointed. On day two we went to the Vegetarian stall to share one of the amazing Nacho bowls, which is spilling over with all the usual goodies, albeit in more ethical form.

I'll be filling this blog with more photos from this wonderful festival over the next few weeks, but for those considering purchasing a ticket for next year, who may need that final nudge, let me be that for you.

This is the happiest and most chilled I've been at a festival in
years, which may sound odd considering it is a metal festival. By chilled I don't mean it doesn't have energy and aggro you'd want/expect from a metal festival, what I mean is that it lacks any unwanted stress.

Shuttles take you to and from the taxi drop off throughout the day. Once you pick up your passes its a very short walk to get to site, and compared to many of the festivals the overall site is very compact too. I wanted to make a point of mentioning this for my fellow spoonies, as this made a HUGE different to my comfort over the weekend. I didn't exhaust myself darting between the four stages, and at no point had to drain my energy from standing unwillingly. It was brilliant!

As I hinted too earlier to food options are fantastic too, there really is something for everyone, with many stalls offering vegan and gluten free options too. So whether you go to festivals to indulge or whether you want to continue your healthy regimine when away from home, Bloodstock's got you covered.

The overiding positive of the weekend was the general vibe of the festival. Everyone we met was so friendly and it genuinely just felt like a lovely community of music fans getting together unified with one goal to have a good time and immerse themselves in the Bloodstock experience. I've never seen so many people get involved in terms of their outfits too, it is unrivalled for smile inducing people watching - there were squids, lifeguards, dragons, Jesus (who was giving out a lot of hugs), a cardinal and a pope.

When you have guest passes it can sometimes be all to easy to settle in the comfort of the area and in turn miss out on the true essence of the festival, you know the random and heady stuff happening out there in the field. In the past I've often missed half the bands I'd planned to see because I've been caught up in the socialising in these areas. At Bloodstock I loved being out there embracing everything the main site had to offer.

FYI Bloodtsock does offer an extra special VIP experience in the Serpents Lair camping and hospitality backstage bar, which offers 100+ different real ales. It was great in there, but with the festival being so awesome and with the Kraken Bar Tiki bar keeping us quenched we really didn't feel the need to hide in there.

So thanks to Kraken Rum I finally have a festival Si is willing to come to, with me, for pleasure. He's already talking about our plans for next year, and his hope to being reunited with the blissful Premier Inn bed again.

See you then Bloodstock, you're rad.

So who will I see next year as part of the 15,000 metal heads descending on Walton on Trent?

The Tiki Totem

A huge thank you to Kraken Rum and the Freaky Tiki Bar for a fantastic weekend.

This is NOT a sponsored Post

http://www.krakenrum.com/age-gate/

Holidaying at Home

2017-08-04T15:44:00.000+01:00

I know with the abundance of picture-perfect holiday posts on Instagram it feels likeh EVERYONE is able, or in the financial position to go on holiday (and regularly). But I promise you it’s not the case. I’m not sure me saying you’re not the only one at home is helping you that much, the extreme feeling of wanderlust or the mere yearning to escape your life for a bit probably overwhelms rational of the nature, but I just wanted to remind you that what you’re seeing online isn’t REAL LIFE. We don’t know what sacrifice or efforts they had to put in to be able to go on the holiday, we have no ideal if the trip was as idyllic as the images portray, we don’t know what aspects of life they neglect in order to be able to travel. Of course there are some simply jammy people or those that come from money, but please don't feel less-than if you aren’t currently in a position/situation that allows you to take time out or afford trips away.

Apart from my love of seeing the world and basking in the soothing rays of the sun, I’m desperate to get away with Si because of our living situation. Living with my parents and only really having my bedroom to live out of is difficult to say the least. It’s undeniably unhealthy for a couple to have to exists together in a space that is where they both have to eat, sleep AND work, but at the same time have no privacy or independence because interested ears are always a few metres or less away. Si gets to feel like a proper adult at times and escape through his work travels, but I haven’t had any time away from my parents since August. I'm desperate for some time to myself, or with my boyfriend and be able to enjoy each other in the way normal couples of our age can .

Before I activate woe-is-me mode I wanted to get myself back to the point of this post, that being that is a holiday really isn’t on the cards for you this year, there are some small ways to give bursts of that holiday feeling. I’m not talking about UK breaks or cheap holidays, because I’m sure there’s many people like me who can’t even consider those options either, this is more about pockets of joy.

If the suns out in the garden and I’m at home, I’ll spray on the suntan lotion I love the smell of, you know that ones that instantly takes you back to chilling on that Kefalonia beach with a can of peach juice. Talking of peach juice, I’ll make sure I get those drinks I associate with holiday in - Lemon Fanta, Sam Pellegrino, Orangina…you know, the usual suspects.

This is another way to create a holiday vibe. If you’ve finished work and the evening is warm head to a pub with outside seating, I try to find one near water for added holiday points. Buy a bevvy that reminds you of holiday unwinding and people-watching, which would be shandy, mojito or Pimms in my case.

People-watching is one of my all time favourite aspects of holidays. I love seeing how other couples interact and getting the ick when they’re way over-zealous with the PDA’s. I love to observe family dynamics and will admit to getting a bit judgemental when witnessing bad parenting. The whole ‘aww isn’t he funny’ when in fact he’s an absolute brat, particularly gets my goat. Of course, as long as I’ve got my shades on I’m a bit partial to checking out the dad bods too. Yes this activity seems more fun when horizontal and sipping on a delicious drink, but who says that needs to be a holiday-only activity.

It doesn’t take much to get brits scantily clad and horizontal when the sun comes out. Going to one of our many great parks and open spaces will deliver, with locations like Alexandra Palace being a hive of summer fun, with the added bonus of incredible views and access to drinks and food, you can get that holiday vibe in an instance. The bonus of a park is also the addition of dogs, which improves any scenario a million fold in my eyes.

Is the hotel pool or the ocean one of the main things you look forward to and enjoy about a holiday? If the answer is yes, I understand that the leisure full of kids centre doesn’t quite fill that void. Speak to your friends and see if any of them are members of clubs, like Shoreditch House for example. I of course can’t afford membership to places like this, but I know many lucky people who get them through their work. Many have options to invite guests for the day, so it’s worth seeing whether this could allow for a few day’s of sunbathing by the pool in the city sun this summer. Failing that of course there are Lido’s. Some of them getting frighteningly rowdy and busy on the really hot days which can be off-putting but maybe try a few and see if you can find one that will deliver a nice place to cool down without the overcrowding completely killing that holiday vibe.
Of course if you have a few pounds to spare you could order a paddling pool to the garden. It’s nice to keep those ankles cool when things get really muggy - muggy in weather terms not the Love Island way.

Another thing I love about a holiday is getting ready for a night out after a day of lying in the sun feeling a little bit rank. Putting on your make-up having been sweaty and bare faced all day, and attempting to sort out that barnet, which has either turned into wire wool due to the humidity, or a greasy oil slick due to the lotion/sweat combo, is a satisfying process . It also serves to separates the day into two parts part which makes it feel a lot longer, which is what you want on a holiday.
Si and I rarely get dressed up these days, we are well and truly into the routine of getting in our sloggy clothes as quickly and as often as possible. We are definitely at that age where comfort rules over all. However I think ensuring you have a few nights over the summer where you put on an ‘holiday outfit’ and preen in the way you would when you’re away, rather than pull up your joggers and the t-shirt you sleep in, will give you those holiday feels and potentially reignite a spark with your beau.

I’m not suggesting you should spend money and go out for a meal with your glad rags on, that’s just not possible for everyone’s budget, nor do you need to get any fancy ingredients in. Merely changing your normal routine a bit could make the evening feel different, and therefore more special and akin to how mushy you feel on holiday. Perhaps you could eat in a more civilised manner, lay the table rather than eat off your laps. Perhaps you could light a candle or too, and add some smooth tunes in the background, or a Spanish guitar track if you want to be mentally transported away. Maybe you/he could work the gentlemanly moves as if you were out in a restaurant and on a date - pull out the chair, pour her wine, stand up if she goes to the loo.

The other week, even though we were both exhausted, we decided to make the most of the heatwave knowing it was likely to go away very soon (dammit, were we right) and decided to have a bbq. Our first one as a couple of five years no less! We got in the car and drove to our local Argos, managed to find one on deal, grabbed some coal that was on offer at Tesco’s, and checked the reduced aisle for some bargains to cook on the griddle. We already had some veggie burgers and corn on the cobs in our fridge, so it proved to be relatively inexpensive whilst being extremely effective in giving us those summer feels. Nothing like a burnt sausage to make you feel like summer is truly here.

Unfortunately the last couple of weeks the weather has been very inconsistent. It’s hard to allocate a day to summer activities when it glimmers for half hour intervals at a time.

Gandy’s very kindly sent me some goodies this week in the form of a circular towel and some flip flops. I permanently have the Aztec towel draped over one of the kitchen chairs now, so that when I see the sun re-emerge from behind the clouds I can pop on my flip flops, grab the towel and set myself up a little holiday spot in the garden. It’s quite easy to pretend I’m in an exotic location if I squint enough to blind myself to the view of my house, as I have a large palm tree and bamboo in the garden. It’s only when the neighbours kids decide to bounce on their trampoline and peer over that I feel a bit less relaxed. Once again I spray that yummy smelling lotion, spread my bare legs out on the towel and absorb myself in a book for a few minutes, before heading in and getting back to work. If you don’t know about Gandy’s please take time to familiarise either via a previous blog (http://sophieeggleton.blogspot.co.uk/2016/05/global-galivanting-with-gandys.html) or by reading their story on their website. By making a purchase you are making a difference.

Now finally for my fellow spoonies that find themselves be- bound and not able to even venture to the dining table or garden, it will be admittedly harder to recreate holiday vibes in your bedroom, but there are a few little things that will at the very least feel pleasant. It’s amazing how scent can effect your mood, relax or invite your imagination to run wild. If there’s a particular location you want to close your eyes and picture, think of a scent that will make that mental journey easier. Whether it’s Moroccan spices of the bustling souks, or the smell of a grapes from your tine at a vine yard in Bordeaux. So whether you fill your room with incense, scented candles, or food this can help to relax or uplift. If there’s someone else there maybe the aroma can arrive via a massage oil. Like I said before play some music befitting of the location your want to put yourself in whether that be laid back Baleiric, indian folk music or Nashville classic country. Perhaps you’d prefer the sounds of the sea, if so there’s plenty of playlists of natural sounds that can be streamed or downloaded. When Si and I want to be cosy and imagine we are in a cosy log cabin snuggling up we find one of those 10hr fireplace video on YouTube that we stream through the TV. We always end up falling asleep to the crackle of the fake embers.

I was a bit worried this post would feel a bit patronising due to the simplistic advice it offers, I know I’m not suggesting anything you’ve probably not thought of or tried before. I guess I just wanted an excuse to reach out to others who haven’t been able (due to time constraints, ill health, or lack of funds to go on holiday this year, or even on a mini break in their own country.

Let’s not let this summer conclude without ensuring we’ve created some snapshots of a new kinda holidays at home.

Aztec Sand Round Towel £75.00
Aztec Sand Flip Flops £24.00

both from @GandysLondon

Having it All and Feeling Guilty

2017-08-01T22:29:00.003+01:00

As I start this journey of study to learn mindfullness techniques, and then on to acquiring teaching skills to pass on what I have learned, I am undoubtedly going to experience plenty of those eureka moments. These courses will force me to look hard at myself and access my own behaviours and habits, and in turn question the the way I spend the minutes of my days.

One chapter in to one of my main reference books, and it’s already been made extremely clear how important it is to schedule the mediations in to your life as regularly as possible, ideally daily, and that they should be considered as routine and integral as brushing your teeth. As someone who already feels like they need to turn to cloning or look into medical advances in terms of obtaining extra limbs, I’ve wondered how on earth I am going to manage this.

The reality is we can all find 10-40 minutes a day to ensure to focus on the present in a quiet spot allocated for this purpose. This is something I will no doubt comment on further as I progress through the studies, but initially it has got me thinking about time, and about how so many of us feel there just aren’t enough minutes in the day anymore - to fulfil and tick off all the things we are expected to do for others, or the things we wish to do for ourselves. This lead me thinking about the emotions that resonate because of this, and I think the most prevalent, and most draining, is that of guilt.

From a young age I remember seeing articles aimed to be triumphant and positive in feminism strength, telling us that we (women) really can ‘have it all’. I know the intentions of such messages were to empower and equalize, and that the authors wanted us to believe that there are no boundaries due to our gender, but I think the repetition of the statement has turned it into a pressure, one that’s really not needed on top of all the other things weighing us down in 2017.

If they’re saying we can ‘have it all’ but we fail to do so, are we failures? Have we let our gender down? Even worse, have we let ourselves down?

I’ve learned in the last few years, it’s definitely not possible to have it all, in the way you want to have it all, at least. What I mean is perfecting each and every area of your life is very unlikely and probably unachievable. I’m not saying we can’t have a good relationship, a good career, a good social life etc. However, I do think it’s impossible to nourish, nurture or propel one area as much as you would, if you didn’t have to look after the other areas too.

For example in the last year I’ve turned down a potentially career-changing TV appearance to be there for a friend in need. I knew that if I didn’t I would never forgive myself and the guilt would eat me up, so it was a fairly quick decision, albeit not one those I confided in agreed with. So if we were to summarise this instance, I’ve sacrificed progress in my career to ensure that my social circle was looked after. So, if I didn’t care about maintaining friendships or being there for loved ones my career could be benefitting or flourishing. But would I be happy? Probably not. Definitely not.

Recently I’ve been on the constant edge of burnout, in fact I’ve probably been in a consistent state of burn-out, in an attempt to keep everyone happy and maintain all the areas of my life. I have to admit to myself that’s it’s just not possible to work as hard as I innately like to work...and be a good friend, girlfriend, family member and human. No doubt this burnout has been accelerated because of the strain feeling permanently guilty puts on your body and mind.

Every week I’m having to let friends down by cancelling dinners, being too tired to head into London on the weekend for BBQ’s and gatherings (having commuted all week), being too ill (due to pushing myself too hard) or too busy to go birthdays, reunions, baby showers etc. It’s truly horrible to feel like a rubbish friend, but if I don’t say yes to all the work opportunities I can, I will be letting work people down, and the concept that ‘I only have myself to blame’ enforced. Afterall I am constantly being told I’ll only start earning more money if I go to these events, meet these people etc. It’s a no win situation. Whatever decision I make I will let someone down, so whether I choose work or a social life, the result is that my stomach will be knotted, I will have to go through an awkward interaction with whoever I’ve decided to let down on this particular occasion, and I’ll have to try and make the most of the choice I’ve made in spite of feeling greyed by guilt.

You’re then having to fit in spending quality time with your partner, who also has a busy schedule which doesn’t necessarily working seamlessly with yours, and try and not be a stressed/tired wreck during those windows. I’ve done the long distance thing for a while, and yes the ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ thing does work for a time, but for us at least, we’ve reached an age where we don’t want that to be the norm anymore. To make it work for us now, we need to try and allocate some time to one another each week, which I’ve found would be impossible if I were to say yes to all work opportunities that come my way. So I’ll turn down some premieres or a party with friends, and try not to make Si feel guilty for that or like an inconvenient part of the difficult level puzzle that is my weekly schedule.

So once again that involves some sacrifice, which reaffirms my previous statement that you can’t entirely ‘have it all’ in the form you may dreamt it.

Blogging/YouTube is a very hard industry to incorporate ‘No's’ into. When glamorous, fun or exciting events or trips come your way you want to say yes to them all because you are all to aware of how important illusion of being busy/successful is to getting future work with other brands, how good it is for your profile, how fickle and saturated the industry is, and simply because they look awesome…but also because you know that you’ll have to see pictures on your feeds and timelines posted by the people who have said yes to the invitation and opportunities. It’s very easy to become dogged to a unhealthy extent. At times I’ve been a workaholic to almost a selfish level where forgotten how it impacts those people around me. It’s not fair to never be around for Si, and miss out on the moments he wants to share, or always be distracted or work focused when we are finally together. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always gonna work hard and be ambitious, that’s innate, but I can be more selective and reasonable when it comes to what I say yes to. And I do need to remember that relationships are what enrich my life, and I should ensure my determination to succeed doesn’t harm them to a level I’ll regret.

While we’re talking work, something needs to be done about the 24/7 expectation of people within a lot of prominant industries these days. I saw something on Twitter a few weeks ago that really captured how out-of-hand things have got, and went a long way to explain why so many people are struggling with stress or burn-out. A company going through the interview process to hire new employees decided to test them without warning by sending an email out on a Sunday, if they replied within an hour they’d still be in the running for the job (something like that anyway). Tweeters were quick to point out how unfair that was and reasoned that the opposite would actually be better for business - it would mean the employee would likely be more fulfilled and happy from their weekend and refreshed on Monday ahead of their working week if they’d taken time away from work (and their inbox). But this businesses attitude to a preferable work ethic is not unusual and actually pretty consistent in many industries, like music, media and blogging. Unless we all take a stand against this though it’s not going to change. As long as some people are willing to give up their evenings and weekends, others will be expected or pressured to do so too, so will risk losing their much sought after position if they fail to do so.

Say you’ve decided to let your foot slightly off the accelerator career wise, for the sake of your friends/partner/family. Your financial position is therefore stagnant or deteriorating. You then realise you can’t afford to do all the things your partner/friends want you to do or take part in . Oh hello guilt, there you are again you rotten bastard.

Most of my close friends are also far more financially stable than me, with homes, cars, regular salaries and such. So every time there’s a birthday gathering or celebration they’ll come with cards and presents, I’ll come empty handed because I can barely afford to pay for the meal we’re having. I can’t even bring a handmade card anymore, as I haven’t got the time to do thoughtful things like that anymore. Sometimes I even opt out of things just to avoid feeling like a crappy guest or friend, and so to avoid that particular reminder that I’m not where I want to be career wise.

Then there’s the guilt of being absent from social media or other tech methods of communication. There’s a couple of WhatsApp groups I barely contribute to anymore, and I feel awful, as they’ve now become the main forum for my closest friends to share the trials, sadnesses and triumphs of their days, where they seek advice and share their funny or embarrassing stories, and I just don’t have enough/any time to keep on top of them. I can’t read them, let alone respond thoughtfully. After attending an event I’ll see three different groups with 100 plus messages I need to catch up on and it’s so daunting it almost makes me feel sick with stress. There’s only so many times I can say sorry I’ve been M.I.A works been hectic, particularly when I’m talking to working mums who are dealing with stresses of their own. I just wish I could give them that beauty and the beast mirror so they could see how stretched I am, so they could see it wasn’t me not making enough effort or not caring enough. There’s also the fact that social media is a large chunk of my work, (unlike my mates who work in very different industries) so to fill my non-work time doing the same sort of action/process is clearly unhealthy and something I should try and avoid for my mental health... and poor overworked fingers.

I’ve had to make the decision to stop using Facebook too, just so I have enough to time to do the social media that is more integral to my work, but that now means I’m constantly missing event invites, and no longer wishing friends happy birthday on their timelines - something which I used to be regimented about. Even though I’m making time to post on Instagram I’m not responding to the comments, which makes me feel terribly guilty when someones taken the time to offer kindness or help. Then there’s the messages from strangers I get due to the nature of my YouTube content. I get so many a week now it’s a significant job to reply to them in the nature I would want to. I doesn’t feel right replying to a page and half of heartfelt text with a few paltry or generic lines of thanks or well wishes. So then I don’t reply, and feel wracked with guilt that I’ve not sent anything back. What will they think of me? What if the fact I don’t reply hurts them and makes them feel worse?

These are just a few things I feel guilty about, and I’m sure a few of you have nodded along as you’ve read. While it might be a comfort to know someone else is feeling this perennial and unpleasant feeling in the gut, without at least pondering solutions this article is somewhat pointless.
So what can we do?

In my view it’s something that needs to be changed on a grand scale. Our society and working culture needs to be transformed in a way that is kinder to our mental health and more conducive to maintaining a balance in all areas of our lives. Should there be stricter things enforced in terms of how many hours a week we work? Should there be times of social media blackout so we are forced to have breaks from it? Should everyone have rights to a 2 or even 3 day weekend? Unfortunately, I fear a quick fix isn’t possible, and any cultural changes will take a significant amount of time, with lots of ingrained habits or expectations needing to be befazed out, which will be hard when you consider the trends and pressures of modern society.

I do believe we hold a lot of power to make the changes necessary to mean we will be less hard on ourselves though.

Rather than worry what people are thinking of me (or saying about me) when I don’t turn up to social events, I’m going to explain my position so they can understand why I’m unable to be as present as I’d like right now. I’m going to attempt to use my time more efficiently, being more selective about what I say yes to, weighing the negatives and benefits, and trying to gauge how positive it will be to do it. I will really need to constantly remind myself what’s important to me, and not push myself to do excess amounts of the stuff that isn’t enriching me on a deep or helpful level. Knowing that although being financially stable would make me happy, but being rich isn’t important to me, I’m going to try and make sure my the scales tip a bit more favourably to the social side of my life. My friends are everything to me, and it’s about time my actions mirrored that truth. I also know that I need to try and give myself a break, and acknowledge that I am in a very tricky position and that my lack of energy makes everything harder to deal with.
Lastly I refer back to an earlier point. I think we have to acknowledge that we have to realistic in our quest for ‘having it all’. We have to accept that if we are going to try, there will be times we will get the balance very wrong, and end up feeling bad because of how that makes us, or others feel.

I’m not saying we can’t have a great career, awesome relationships and a buzzing social life whilst having time look after our wellbeing, but we HAVE to accept that some areas, or even all areas, will involve sacrifice. It’s not easy despite how some people make it appear online or in the papers/magazines, and at some point you may decide it’s sensible/necessary to change your own expectations for your life - don't see this as giving up or failing. This really doesn’t have to mean you’re not striving for your best life, being a boss-woman or championing girl power…I promise you. Knowing yourself, and managing your life in a way that makes you happier is what I call bossin’ it.

Are you living with guilt? What makes you feel guilty? What are you going to do to combat it?

Outfit Details

Milk. It Reckless Long Sleeve Tee (available on Ragged Priest)

New Look Bag

Dr.Martens Vegan Boots

Boohoo skirt

Ebay Sunglasses.

47 METRES DOWN REVIEW AND EVENT

2017-07-26T23:12:00.001+01:00

Not much scares me in terms of activities the many would deem extreme or scary. I’ve jumped out of a plane a couple of times and prepared myself for my first time doing so with a couple of bungee jumps, one in an urban location, another over water. I’ve tried wind-sailing, skiing, snowboarding and water rafting….but that’s where my fearless self came unstuck. Unfortunately on the rapids my kayak capsized and I found myself under the boat and trapped somehow under the water for what seemed like a dangerous amount of time. It was unfortunate, as I was just at that point of allowing myself to enjoy water, finding serenity in rowing down the Ardeche in my bright orange canoe and basking in the 40 degree heat of the valley. It had taken a while to get to that position too as an incident on the water slides at Centre Parks as a youngster, when a hefty bloke decided not to wait for the green blight before coming down, landed on top of me and pushed me deep into the water had haunted me for years. The reason I’m sharing my personal water based traumas with you is to help you understand why a film of this nature makes me react in a way many other films wouldn’t.

I don’t scare easy when it comes to horror movies, and it’s annoying because I want that thrill, increase of heart rate, and the goosebumps that many of my friends get. Unfortunately I seem weirdly resistant to it…we joke that I’ve got Unagi (Friends fans will understand). However, scenes or movies that focus on water based terror make me feel incredibly tense and anxious. So even before I read the synopsis of this movie, the visuals of water featured in promo pictures told me enough to know I’d find this movie a tough watch at times.

First up, I was chuffed to see that Mandy Moore was starring, I’ve loved her since the tearjerking A Walk to Remember, but have had a recent boost of affection due to her role in the amazing This Is Us. She stars alongside the beautiful Clare Holt (Pretty Little Liars, The Vampire Diaries), but it was also a welcome surprise to see Matthew Modines legendary face again.

I’m not going to drown you with spoilers, but I’ll give you the general splash. The two sisters are on holiday in Mexico together after Mandy’s husband was unable to join her as originally planned. The younger more adventurous sister, Kate (Holt) wants to up the excitement level of their holiday in more ways than one. After an evening of cocktails and dancing with some rather fetching locals, they’re convinced to join them on their boat the next day where they do cage dives to view the sharks. Lisa (Moore) is extremely hesitant being the more reserved of the two, but in an effort to please her sister and prove another point (you’ll know what I mean when you see the movie) she agrees, despite her obvious fears. She lies to the instructor that she has had Scuba diving training like her worldly sister, which is an early warning sign to anyone that knows how these films tend to go, that all is not going to go to plan.

There are a lot of B movie elements to this movie, particularly the script. Yes, some of it’s cheesy, but I actually wouldn’t have it any other way, as it helps to give it that old school horror/suspense charm. You’ll hear numerous lines that to the trained horror-ear can only signal some sort of trauma or doom for the main characters, and I love that feeling of ‘oh god, what’s coming next.’ Mandy Moore is great at being that slightly annoying person in a situation of stress, who states the obvious but also feels the need say unhelpful truths that really don’t need to be vocalised. I genuinely liked this about her performance as it gave these tense scenes a bit of lightness.

I’m not going to say much more now, for fear of ruining it for people willing to go deep into the ocean at the cinema this weekend. But just know, that if you’re like me you have a fear of drowning or water in general, this will be your worst nightmare depicted on screen. You palms will sweat, you’ll want to cancel that beach holiday immediately, and all those memories of watching Jaws for the first time, open mouthed and petrified, will come flooding back. Did it deliver what it promises, from a water phobic, yes it did, but be prepared for a nice bit of cheese with that salty water too.

So feeling drained from anxiety, or as if I might have been effected by the bends via some sort of cinematic osmosis, I headed to the Southbank to try out the Virtual Reality experience they had on offer for one day only.

The Shark Dive experience would see willing participants enter a rusty cage very similar to the one we've only just witness ruin lives. They/we would then be suspended a few metres up in the London air above a shark. Okay, it wasn't a real shark, but it was still a very brave thing to do okay??

I was teamed up with Comedy facebooker and good pal Joe Tasker. Now, if you know Joe you will be aware of his boundless energy, an excess level of zest which will allow him to intensify anything we are feeling through his actions. In this case he was happy to add to the already multi-sensory experience by throwing in some kicks of the leg and some very shrill shrieks, just to get me really riled up and anxious while my vision was completely obscured by virtual reality.

Alongside Joe's DIY added extras, we had a guy squirting us with a water pistol and the unsettling jolts of the cage which were in time with the drops of the cage in the scenes we were watching in our headsets.

The copious and rather unpleasant amount of sweat created during the screening had only just dried, when my body decided to create a whole new batch during this experience. Isn't funny how you can't control your bodily functions in these instances, even though you know that shark below is only made of paper mache or something and everything you're seeing ISN'T REAL?! What's even weirder is that we enjoy it, in fact we revel in it.

I have always loved simulaters. When I went to Universal Studios as a youngster, the Back To The Future ride blew my mind and I ended up coming out of the ride and straight back into the queue, so I've always been partial to entertainment of this nature. Having said that, the watery location of this one definitely tapped into my aforemtioned deepest darkest fears.

So, who's going to check out this movie? Who else has a fear or water or sharks? Let me know in the comments.

Thanks so much to team #47metresdown for having us at the screening us and making this wet wednesday one to remember...

FRANK CARTER AND THE RATTLESNAKES: GALLERY: 2000 TREES

2017-07-23T16:16:00.000+01:00

This was the first time I've ever been able to enjoy a full Frank Carter and The Rattlesnakes show and boy have I been missing out on a unique live music experience. It's the only show I've seen where a singer has reunited a members of the crowd with a phone and a bumbag, that's for sure. I am so warmed to see someone of influence put their voice to such an important issues as Frank has for Safe Gigs for Women. Seeing him encourage females to crowd surf during his set, and seeing so many feeling comfortable (and deliriously happy) doing so, was an undoubtable highlight of my entire weekend. We still have a long way to go, not just in the concerts crowds but the industry as a whole, but we must take time to acknowledge these noteable steps too.

As with all of the shots from 2000 Trees Festival, they were taken from within the crowd so the angles or distances away from the stage aren't always ideal or condusive to getting great shots, but I still wanted to give it a go without a photo pass.