Sorry Bro: Sports Through Houser

Jeff Kent Four Finger Handshake will be a Thing Now

2012-10-03T20:37:00.000-05:00

According to Jeff Kent: If you are a man, you get a five finger firm palm. If you aren't a man, you get a four finger pistol. Barry Bonds always wondered where Jeff's index finger was hiding in all the Giants' post-game victory line. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

John Clayton Protests the NFL by wearing Reebok post-Debacle

2012-09-24T23:59:00.000-05:00

Just got done with my 8 reps, 2.5 sets of benching 80 pounds and now I have ESPN execs asking for my insight into the play that finally got Roger Goodell fucked. They asked if I wanted to change, but you know me, ROCK N ROLL. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

Roger Goodell saved $50 Million for an Extra Week to witness the worst play call in NFL History

2012-09-24T23:01:00.002-05:00

Just like those George W. billboards, I expect every NFL town to have a Paul Tagliabue "Miss Me Yet" poster next to the stadium. I take to my patented fake RT of a sports person to get a description of what happened: RT @NFLCommish :( [Follow me @TravisHouser]

Greatest 8th Grade Football Photo of All-Time

2012-09-23T00:17:00.000-05:00

6'7, 225 pound Isaiah Stokes is now a legend. Look at the difference in legs/arms/helmet size. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

PS - Lil squirt (only by age) looks uncoachable. WHY YOU TRYING TO TACKLE THE KID WITHOUT THE BALL?

Top College Gameday Signs of 2012: Week 4

2012-09-22T10:34:00.000-05:00

Flordia State is back. This must mean Jenn Sterger is present (Brett Favre call ESPN to be the guest picker?) in a cowgirl hat, coaches are screaming dadgum 10x a week and star talent is getting away with petty crimes, right? I was raised to not make fun of the mentally challenged fans who favorite movie must be "The Waterboy" or just any Happy Madison Production.

On a tragic note: The streak of Corso twiddling with a dog is no mas. But there is a chance that Herbie fondles an Indian. [Follow me @TravisHouser]
Carry On

MTV Challenges: Battle of the Seasons Premier was Rigged but oh so GLORIOUS

2012-09-20T00:53:00.000-05:00

Bunim/Murray Production always wins. With the 6th sport, Big Brother, coming to an end, time to move on from my mental strength to my actual physical/testosterone strength and jock-ular nature as a athletic, chauvinistic, lonely drunk asshole with The Challenge.
Carry On

Big Brother 14 has Most Tragic Ending to any Six Sports Season

2012-09-19T22:05:00.000-05:00

Loser.

Winner. How?

The Six Sports: Goodell and NCAA's Money First Leagues, Dana White's world, Overseas Futbol, The Challenge, Stern's Slave League and Big Brother.

Don't call it an upset, call it a tragedy. Butthurt reality show juries think irrationally. A game about strategy and they chose the puppet to win over the puppetmaster. 6-1 vote? For the unaware sports fan: Think if they gave 2004 Tiger Woods' $2 million winning tournament check to just Stevie Williams just because they didn't like how Tiger Woods dominated their fairway and greens.Carry On

Top College Gameday Signs of 2012: Week 3

2012-09-15T23:55:00.003-05:00

Breaking News: College Gameday loves themselves some Southern Hospitality (throw dem bones). 3 weeks into the season, 3 Saturday mornings in the South (Texas/Texas/Tennessee). If Rocky Top cares for satire like they do a rock. Also, do Rocky Top kids go shirtless still or they put an end to that because of Bruce Pearl's firing?

PS - Keep an eye out for wandering Pat Sumlin. Go Home Pat, Go Home. [Follow me @TravisHouser]
Carry On

Bill Simmons runs ESPN or ESPN is Sexist

2012-09-14T17:20:00.000-05:00

Tony Kornheiser can't call a broad a 1970s whore but Bill Simmons can talk about how much he gets a big boner (most likely, 4.5 inches) watching Tony Romo botch snaps. I'm calling for Grantland to be shut down for 1-2 weekdays or a 30 for 30 on how Bill Simmons doesn't check grammar/spelling in his (I presume self-proclaimed quote) "neato Basketball book.". Take a stand now, Disney/WorldWideLeader. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

Derrick Rose cries over Adidas

2012-09-14T01:15:00.000-05:00

Had Nike thought he was a soon-to-be legendary PG, the delicate little Rose would have committed suicide right on stage. Shit bro, it's Adidas. The only thing people like about Adidas is that it's an acronym for "All Day I Dream About Sex." And you're crying about being blessed to have your own shoe.

Heres the Quotes he was thinking but didn't say for why he was crying:

"I'm scamming you kiddies broke ass parents out of $80 to get your ankle broken. Kobe got me. :(
"If you can get someone to falsify your way through HS and College, you can make something of yourself too." [Follow me @TravisHouser]

Aaron Rodgers is All Swedish, No Finish to Gentlemen Agreements

2012-09-11T00:46:00.000-05:00

TMZ - Rodgers enticed Boyz II Men to sing the pregame national anthem. "But before the guys would agree to sing," TMZ reported, "Nathan Morris (the guy with the deep voice) had one MAJOR demand. Turns out, Morris is a bigtime 49ers fan ... and proposed a friendly bet to the QB -- if SF wins, Rodgers MUST WEAR an Alex Smith 49ers jersey for the remainder of the week. If GB wins, Morris has agreed to wear a Rodgers jersey. A rep for the band confirms."

Boyz II Men, no longer men anymore. Pure Gentlemen now. Boyz II Gentlemen. Nobody will ever "Hazzah!" with Rawwwgers again. Rawwwgers may have a Super Bowl, but Alex Smith, my pick for NFL MVP, is QBing a dynasty at this moment. Championship belt guy is just jealous cause he knows putting on a 49ers jersey would be seen as him hopping on the bandwagon. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

PS - Completely explains why he dropped +20 picks in the draft.

Paralympic Guide Runner perfecting the Job of Guiding

2012-09-10T00:01:00.000-05:00

Other than the runners, who didn't see this coming? [Follow me @TravisHouser]

NFL Replacement Ref Lies Straight to your Face about Timeout Mishap

2012-09-09T19:04:00.003-05:00

Pete Carroll is up to his old "a-little-extra" tricks. Less than a minute remaining and 0 timeouts his Seahawks run an awful Marshawn Lynch run on 1st and goal and he decides to trick the refs into giving his shitty offense a mulligan. Trojan Style.

On a 2nd and 10 from the Cardinals 13, Doug Baldwin dove for a pass in the end zone and landed on the ball after nearly making a touchdown catch. He appeared to have the wind knocked out of him and he laid on the ground for a minute. The Seahawks had one timeout left at that point, and it was used as an injury timeout since the game was inside the two-minute warning. Referee Bruce Hermansen—attempted to cover up for allowing the extra stoppage by claiming an injury in the last two minutes that is accompanied by a stopped clock doesn't lead to a charged time out for the injured player's team. And... That's a LIE. (As you read in the NFL Rule Book above.)

Hey Scabs: Quit your day job. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

Is Skip Bayless Bragging to a Webcam Home Alone the Most Dismal Thing?

2012-09-09T18:47:00.001-05:00

~~The face of a closeted gay man.~~ The voice of a "nobody loves me and it does matter" mentality man. The audacious man pleads for your respect through his vaunt about a NFL pick'em game against a NBA reporter. Does he do it all for the money? No. Does he do it all for fun? No. He does it just ~~to hide his homosexuality~~ because he thinks he is awesome. Thus he hits the gym and watches what he eats, all for what? You can read between the lines. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

The 49ers will be a Dynasty as long as Jim Harbaugh does not Die of Rage

2012-09-09T16:00:00.004-05:00

I'm already calling it/marking it down/locking my reality show winner key in, that Jim Harbaugh will go down as the greatest football coach ever. Even before the 49ers win 1 of their, soon-to-happen, 5 straight Superbowls. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

PS - I have, Mr. Small Hands, Alex Smith as MVP this year. Calling it/marking it down/locking my reality show winner key in.

Worst Moment of Gronk's Frat Style Life

2012-09-09T13:13:00.005-05:00

Gotta think the Patriots put Rob Gronkowski in a 24-hour inpatient care if he doesn't get a second TD to seek his vengeance on the next football. I've never seen a more disappointed guy looking at his own hands since the speedy black WR kid in Little Giants. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

Meanwhile, Vernon Davis will stick to lay ups.

Top College Gameday Signs of 2012: Week 2

2012-09-08T09:10:00.006-05:00

Reminder: Whiteboard Signs > Poster Sign

Brought to you by... The Longhorn Network. The College Panel is going to Big 12, err, SEC country to get a piece of that Texas A&M synchronized yelling of "whoop" and "hissss" before they play the Flordia Gators.

ESPN has yet to realize Timmy Tebow and Urban Meyer aren't putting on the Gatorade sponsored pads. Plus, the Aggies don't have a senior QB this year. No more worst halftime speech head coach Sherman or look left, throw right, Tannehill. The Aggies actually have a chance! This means rowdy hopeful fans. This means ~~checks will be filled out~~ trashtalk will be on signs. [Follow me @TravisHouser]
Carry On

Jeff Van Gundy's Sexy Legs just came to say Good Morning

2012-09-08T09:05:00.000-05:00

What happens more after such a glorious sight: Men fap, fap, fapping or women poke, poke, poking? [Follow me @TravisHouser]

16 Year Old Broad Too Fat for Major Tennis

2012-09-07T13:20:00.000-05:00

Oh, Hell Yeah that's a huge bitch. Hey Taylor Townsend, stop your wah-wah about the US Open decision. They're just protecting the integrity of the boring game. Can't have a 100th seed huffing and puffing carbon dioxide all up in their stadium and on ESPN against a top 20 seed. No one wants to hear you grunt until you finish a 3 month strength and conditioning camp. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

PS - Serena Williams is laughing at your body.

Did Al Pacino accept this Joe Paterno Movie Part just for the Sunglasses?

2012-09-07T13:12:00.001-05:00

This Movie fact should not surprise you. Al Pacino rocks sunglasses all the fucking time in his movies. Joe Paterno brought sunglasses to college coaching just like his assistant coaches brought child molesting. Trend setting. Joe Paterno doesn't deserve to be played by Mr. Hooah. Get Beau Bridges. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

PS - I've got Costner player Sandusky. Bull Durham meets Any Given Sunday = Amazing mediocre sports movie.

Jerry Jones: Clean my Glasses since Tony Romo ain't around

2012-09-05T20:20:00.000-05:00

Former Oil Tycoon Jerry Jones drinks your milkshake as well. Also just like his business partner Daniel Plainview, no money left for you either. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

Daily Schedule Change Alert: Shakira Sex Tape Coming (Yummmmm)

2012-09-05T17:11:00.000-05:00

Inquisitir - “The video lasts about 15 minutes. I guess it’s recorded with a mobile phone by an employee who was in the cockpit of the boat,” said a Barcelona agent to whom the video holders showed the clip.

~~God~~ Tebow is real? Earth might as well just add 15 minutes to everyday's 24 hours until 2019. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

No Leg Olympics Runner Complaining about No Legs ParaOlympics Runner

2012-09-03T11:15:00.000-05:00

ESPN - You've got no legs, but the world wishes you had no tongue as well. The world owes you no sympathy. You drop down to #2 Blade Runner in the world and first thing you do is cry "HIS LEGS ARE LONGER." No fucking shit. You don't want real legs racing? Usain Bolt's legs are 8 inches longer than anyone else on that track. Guess what functional racers say after the race? "He's unbeatable, but I'm going to keep trying because 2nd and 3rd place money is still pretty fucking good. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

PS - Where's the wheelchair 100m race video?

Top College Gameday Signs of 2012: Week 1 (Pics)

2012-09-01T06:20:00.000-05:00

Best Gameday Signs of 2011

Lee Corso and the boys are strolling on over to Jerry World to give it the good ol' college try. All three on the Gameday set are still alive, so this season is starting off hotter than the Fire Craig James campaign (Johnny Drama, VICTORY!).

Other than the sure bet that Corso is going to say something inappropriate (did we ever find that State Penn little boy?) on a hot mic while Herbstreit just grins and rubs his thighs under the table while thinking of himself talking NCAA pigskin, the best prop bet each Saturday rise n' shine is whether 8 am tailgaters came prepared before they lost all their wit during the ESPN live telecast. When the setting is in the South for a Roll Fucking Tide(!) and an overrated B1G team with an arm-punt QB game, humor is the hope. College football satire shall always be signed. [Follow me @TravisHouser]

Carry On

Houston Texans Fan Dies by Falling off an Escalator after Preseason Game

2012-08-30T22:59:00.000-05:00

CBS Houston - A 45-year old man attending the Texans preseason finale against the Minnesota Vikings fell to his death while horse-playing on an escalator at the Coca-Cola Gate near the northeast side of Reliant Stadium. He was trying to slide down the outside of the handrail on the escalator when he fell three stories, landing on the pavement, police said....first saw a hat and cup fall, and the man came next.

Mad ~~Men~~ Fan. [Follow me @TravisHouser]