Sorry I Missed Your Party

In Communist Russia, Engery Drinks YOU!

2010-07-29T14:46:00.001-04:00

Have you seen Hot Tub Time Machine? The time machine is triggered by the effects of a black market Russian energy drink. Who'd guess that this drink really exists and is promoted by babes at a Russian beach wielding motorcross DVDs.

Great Idea!

2010-07-28T16:25:00.000-04:00

Quick, someone get me the ad exec in charge of Andy Capp's Hot Fries on the phone. I came up with a brilliant tagline for a new commercial:

So good, you'll roofie the shit out of your girlfriend so you can have them all to yourself!

Half-Year Resolution

2010-07-27T16:53:00.001-04:00

I gotta take up smoking. Look how cool it looks!

Teenage Caveman

2010-07-27T00:09:00.000-04:00

My DEEP THOUGHTS are kind of on the same brainwavelength as an irritating 2nd grader, so a game I like to play a lot is called "who thought of that first?" Usually this goes back far enough to caveman times; things that are deeply ingrained in human culture, but are clearly culture, not nature. Like cooking an egg or eating the heart of an artichoke. Why would anyone look at an artichoke and think "maybe even though the leaves taste like poison and have sharp thorns, there might be something deep down there that's delicious if boiled and dipped in butter!"

I understand the biological impetus for genital copulation, but who was that first caveman who french kissed? Who looked over at Oog and thought, "golly, her gaping maw looks inviting - I'd like to put my mouth right on top of it and mush it around!" Or maybe there IS an biological imperative for mouth kissing - like the way birds instinctively know mating calls, maybe humans have a evolutionary instinct that says "I want to suck on the hole in your face where you stick your food in." I understand evolutionary biological reasons for why men are into big boobs and women are into guys that treat them like shit, but the kissing thing is still a mystery.

I mean.... would you want to stick your mouth on this?

Enough Already

2010-07-26T00:20:00.002-04:00

Ok ok ok ok ok! Jeez! We get it, mom - you're getting laid tonight. You and Aunt Tina don't have to hire a fucking skywriter, ok? We all get it.

Your Date Has Arrived

2010-07-22T14:39:00.001-04:00

Beam Me Up

2010-07-22T14:35:00.001-04:00

Bad Girls

2010-07-21T14:24:00.001-04:00

Location, Location, Location.

2010-07-20T13:54:00.003-04:00

Look, pal, there's a time and a place for a sax solo. That time is during "Maneater", and the place is "never underneath your trucker hat on the shores of the Gitchee Gumee".

Or else like this:

Cat Party

2010-07-19T08:40:00.000-04:00

Dear Boutiful Allah,

2010-07-15T17:49:00.001-04:00

I have but one request:

More of this. Less of everything else in the world. Just this, over and over and over.

God Is a DJ

2010-07-14T16:13:00.001-04:00

Cars, Cakes, Unicorns, Babes

2010-07-13T13:37:00.001-04:00

My New Get Rich Quick Scheme

2010-07-12T10:26:00.001-04:00

I've finally figured out how to turn this blog into a money-making machine. I'm charging $10 a pop for the chance to punch these handsome fuckers in the face. Who's first???

Apathy

2010-07-10T15:35:00.001-04:00

Grumpy Old Man Does Not Care For Your Underwear Gyrating

2010-07-09T11:29:00.001-04:00

Lost and Found

2010-07-08T15:38:00.001-04:00

Faking Gay at a Straight Wedding

2010-07-07T11:23:00.004-04:00

Heteros need to get over the thing where they think lesbianism is super sexy, and just leave it to real lesbians to be the only ones to get off on it. Because straights fuck everything up, just like Blink-182 sucking the life out of punk rock, and it's only leading to shit like this:

Do you understand? You are making gay people cringe with embarrassment. Knock it off!

Uncle Sam Wants You.. to Party (part 2)

2010-07-04T18:07:00.000-04:00

As I wrote the title of that previous post, I had a weird feeling I had used that same phrase once before. Turns out, I did, for this post from July, 2008. Seemed appropriate to bring this cool dude out again for America's birthday:

"His favorite beer is Milkwaukee's Best. Check out his 12 pack stashed in the stairwell... I guess we all have a lot more in common with him than you thought, eh?"

Uncle Sam Wants YOU!

2010-07-04T13:03:00.001-04:00

Nice Work, Bro.

2010-06-30T17:59:00.001-04:00

Nothing but a penis on the side of the face. Simple, classic, elegant. I like your style.

More Songs about Barfings and Dreads

2010-06-29T11:14:00.000-04:00

You may have noticed, there's two things I love: pictures of people barfing and pictures of white teenagers with dreadlocks. When the two get together, it's as if the world comes into clear focus. It's because that's what I want to do when I see white teenagers with dreadlocks: barf.

The Future of SIMYP

2010-06-28T10:44:00.000-04:00

Flickr has done some minor tweaking to their page design, mainly making the photos larger. But a nasty side effect is that most photos can't be right-clicked to save, which basically puts me out of business (yes, I know I could screenshot, but it adds about 2 extra clicks, which is about enough extra work for me to determine it's too much and just go get a snack instead).

I tweeted my displeasure at this new development and how it means the best option for Sorry I Missed Your Party to continue is for me to simply draw stick figures based on the photos. My whines were rewarded in the form of a MS Paint drawing, provided by my best fake internet friend Doug. Thanks, Doug!

Behold, the future of Sorry I Missed Your Party:

(guy puking while white guy with dreadlocks looks on).

Ride It

2010-06-25T15:57:00.001-04:00

Attention, This Is Your Captain Speaking

2010-06-24T09:07:00.000-04:00

Ok listen up, people. This plane is not taking off until a girl whips her T's out. I'm serious here.