Simon

I don’t love, I swear

Sat, 08 Apr 2023 22:06:28 -0400

I don’t love, I swear

I swear on God that I don’t love

That I don’t think about anyone at night, or in the morning, or in the afternoon, or all day

I swear I don’t write about you

That you’ve never consumed all my waking thoughts till the only way I could stop was by writing your name next to mine

I swear on my mother that I don’t love

That I’ve never seen a couple and thought of you and me

That when I go to the store I don’t wonder if you would love those flowers

That I don’t look when you walk by

I swear on my heart, that I don’t love

That I don’t dream about our happily ever after

That I don’t smile like an idiot when you talk to me, or look at me, or stare into my eyes, even when you say you think you love me

I swear, I don’t love you

I sit here and wonder if you have ever seen me

Sat, 08 Apr 2023 21:56:00 -0400

I sit here and wonder if you have ever seen me

If in a group of girls you have ever picked me out and smiled

If the single thought of me has ever cured your anxiety

If you hold your breath when I walk by

If before you sleep you imagine me

If your best dreams are about me, and your nightmares are when I’m not there

I sit here and know that you have never seen me

That I am not in your dreams, not in your mind, not in your life, and you are ok with that

If you asked I would say I never had an eating disorder

Sun, 02 Apr 2023 22:58:50 -0400

If you asked I would say I never had an eating disorder

If you asked I would say I ate today

If you asked I would say I just feel a little sick

And if I asked you would say, you never had a big appetite, that you already ate before you came, that you just feel a little sick.

When you told me you’re worried about me, all I could focus on was how small you looked, and when you said I should get help I thought about how funny it was that you could see a corpse in me but not you.

When I knew you, you told me you would never stop loving me

Sat, 18 Feb 2023 22:15:46 -0500

When I knew you, you told me you would never stop loving me

That even in 20 years when you have a wife and kids

you would dream dreams of me

That all roads in your future would lead to me

When I knew you, I said I would never love you

And now that you’ve forgotten me, I’ve realized you never loved me

You loved the girl I was when you met me

You loved my lipstick on your cigarettes

Last night’s makeup on my face

The way I never got mad when you forgot my name

You loved the mania in my eyes,

The burns of my tears

And the cuts of my wrist

You loved me to death, you loved my death

You did this to me

Sat, 18 Feb 2023 21:54:09 -0500

You did this to me

Every ode I write is riddled with your scent

Every tear I have shed is forced by your hand

Every breath I take is shadowed by yours

Every step I take is with your command

Every one I love first learned your name

Everyone I love must learn to love you

Because you have infected me so much even now I still see you in me

In my smile

In my eyes

In my words

You have ruined me

You are me

Nothingness

Tue, 03 Jan 2023 02:19:13 -0500

Nothingness

Is it the emptiness of space between you and I

Or is it the way I feel when we part

The word itself is far too long and full to describe the loneliness it holds

Nothingness

The possession of nothing

Which begs the question can you grieve something you never lost

Can you feel nothing if you have never felt anything

Nothingness

The more I say it the more it doesn’t feel like a word

Like the second it leaves my tongue it evaporates and its meaning is only a distant memory

Maybe that in itself is what nothingness truly is

Don’t look at me, but applause when I walk by

Tue, 03 Jan 2023 02:18:50 -0500

Don’t look at me, but applause when I walk by

I say you don’t matter but I ask your opinions on the daily

I pose and post to feel like you love me

Because at times my words are not enough

And when they aren’t I look at you hoping you won’t make me beg

So i give subtle hints and prop myself just right for you to call me beautiful

I am angry at myself for feeling like I need validation

Because for reasons I don’t want to face your opinion matters to much to me

On the days that I am my weakest I can’t seem to remind myself of the days I am my strongest

On the days I am my weakest I look to you to remind me of when I am my strongest

I know I am beautiful but sometimes even I am blind

And I need to see me through your eyes

So please love me

Structure is something you say you need

Tue, 03 Jan 2023 02:17:57 -0500

Structure is something you say you need

Yet you find time to breath

Individuality is something you crave

Yet you all look the same

Mistakes that you have made

Yet you grow anyway

Dear, Imagination

Tue, 03 Jan 2023 02:17:02 -0500

Dear, Imagination

Why did you leave? I know for many years we didn’t talk, and when you suddenly showed up on my front door, I missed you so much I didn’t question where you went. But now we’ve been roommates for two years and I can’t help but stare at the gap in our relationship. I can’t help but think of what you did in those three years we were apart. Were you someone else’s muse, desires, inspiration? Or were you alone, in the cold, cursing my name for abandoning you? You know, I don’t even know why we fell apart, and I’m afraid to ask why. I’m afraid to question you, to ask you to be a little quieter, to tell you I just need some space, in fear that I’ll wake up the next day without you beside me.

You are my captor and I’m your prisoner, you are royalty and I’m your servant, you are my god and I’m your faithful follower. And who is a follower who questions their god?

I am sorry for a million things, but I will never be sorry for loving you

Tue, 03 Jan 2023 02:15:09 -0500

I am sorry for a million things, but I will never be sorry for loving you

Some drafts

Tue, 03 Jan 2023 02:12:33 -0500

Some drafts

And to the pretty girl across the room who I will never talk to because I am too busy trying to decipher whether I want to be you or be in love with you

I am sorry for staring

And It broke my heart when she called me pretty and skinny in the same breath

Like they were born from the same cloth, fed from the same breasts, twins insepret from the other, meaningless without another

Like she simply could not fathom beauty without starvation

Haikus

Tue, 03 Jan 2023 02:09:01 -0500

Haikus

Worship the me who’s

Full of queer feminity

And smile, you’ve seen god

Darling reach for stars

Land on the moon, jump then fall

Right back to my arms

Sink little ship sink

Swim little boy safely swim

Drown little boy drown

Breathe your air for me

Walk this long earth to please me

Live life free of me

August is like spring

Full of first times and last times

Full of life and death

My Body Is A Weapon

Tue, 03 Jan 2023 02:06:46 -0500

My Body Is A Weapon

I’ve been told that my body is a weapon

That my curves are deadly and my stomach is to die for

I’ve been told that my body is a weapon

That my shoulders are distracting and my ankles tantalizing

I’ve been told that my body is a weapon

That my eyes shoot daggers and my smile can make anyone fall

I’ve been told that my body is a weapon

And I am it’s protector

I choose who sees my body, who uses my body

But what can I do when my body is a weapon, so powerful it can bring nations down

When my body is a weapon so powerful old men in high places have decided to lock it down

When my body is a weapon so alluring that people will lie cheat and steal just to get a taste of it

My body is a weapon but not for I to use for him to abuse

My body is a weapon but not in the way you have made it, in the ways I have trained it

My body is a weapon because my voice is power, because my hands play god, because my mind races against itself

My body is a weapon

So beware for I am dangerous

My body is a weapon and I will use it

Obsessed with the idea of sacrifice in a book being a selfish act rather than a selfless one. Their…

Mon, 07 Nov 2022 23:02:11 -0500

booksandothersecrets:

Obsessed with the idea of sacrifice in a book being a selfish act rather than a selfless one. Their lover screaming at them: “How dare you leave me in this barren world? How dare you take away my choice to die for you and leave me with this grief?”. They are dead, and their lover is left - a gaping wound - bleeding into the ground. Do they love them so much that they would die for them, or do they love them so much that they forced the other to live without them? Sacrifice as a bitter act. Sacrifice as something wildly violent; something tormentingly cruel — but always, always built on love. Perhaps, they are both martyrs in the end.

He asked me when I fell in love with him and I knew it sounded dramatic to say the moment I saw him,…

Mon, 07 Nov 2022 23:01:28 -0500

ritikajyala:

He asked me when I fell in love with him and I knew it sounded dramatic to say the moment I saw him, so I told him this story of my grandma who had Alzheimer’s- she forgot her name and the words for fruit and food, she forgot her address and how to use the washroom, all her life lost to the disease. The only thing she remembered was her son’s name and when that began to fade, the one thing she always remembered was that she loved him, even in illness, even in insanity. She saw this 6 foot 2 man with a scrubby beard and she didn’t know him but she said she trusted him, she asked him to hold her hand when she died. When does memory end and love begin? All I know is- she loved him before she remembered him.
-Ritika Jyala, excerpt from The world is a sphere of ice and our hands are made of fire

I’m just a little guy

Mon, 07 Nov 2022 22:29:19 -0500

I’m just a little guy