My mood is under control, haven’t been so relaxed in months, perhaps years. I see the world in a different light, in a different state of mind.

I don’t know myself like that. I know it may be temporary, it may pass when I hit new life worries. But now it feels kinda different. I do the same things I have before, but the interpretation is slightly different.

I will soon feel it in a more figurative way. For example, when I meet friends… I can talk to someone, without having this rock in my heart. Do I share my pain or keep it to myself? Both are equally hard. Now I can just be, not hiding/containing a big secret, a black hole of pain.

It is already changing. Without that volcano that threatens to explode, I don’t feel the compulsive need to get it out. My Facebook profile is unusually quiet. Lots of people don’t even know I’m coming home. I am both content with simply being with myself as well as wanting to avoid the flood of questions. People who were not in the know are taking this really hard… For some reason many people saw us as a perfect couple. We also believed in it for the longest time. It’s really hard to explain without trashing him. But soon it will pass and I will not hide this huge secret which I hated to keep.

I may (or may not) be a different person than I thought I was. Maybe I will not be prone to depression any more. Perhaps my five-year-old writing block will end, and I will go back to grad school. I hope to have new energies to advance my career. I simply don’t know if what stopped me all this time was an internal lack of ability to accomplish these things, or that I simply spent too many energies on maintaining the relationship.

The thought of maybe being able to do all kind of things that I want is so exciting. I don’t know if this feeling will last or not, but for now it seems like the sky is the limit.

I went home for ZeUberBitch’s wedding by myself in March. In a sense, it was a declaration of independence. We never traveled apart in the past, he didn’t approve of me going, yet I did. When he gave me a ride to the airport, before I went through the security check, we sat on a bench at the airport to say goodbye. I was so excited about the wedding and about seeing my friends, and happy to go by myself and have a break from him. Didn’t think I was going to miss him. But when we sat there, and I stopped to breath for a minute, I suddenly had a feeling that this was goodbye for good. It made no sense; I was only going for 12 days. I remember crying, saying that I don’t want to be apart; looking at him as I went up the escalator, not sure what I was thinking… but it felt like it was the last time I was going to see him.

I did see him again, but not in the same way. When I came back, I was different, saw him and our relationship in a different light. It was never going to be the same. On my flight back I was so angry at him. He said something just before I had to turn off my cell phone, and I felt he crossed the line. I had just said goodbye to Bsc after an amazing night, I missed him and loved him so intensely. The discrepancy between the ways the two of them treated me helped me realize how wrong my life with my husband are.

It has been 8 months since that formative event. I am different. I am free. During this time, I have learned a lot about myself, but I also know that my journey is just beginning. I still have these two men on my mind more than anything else, and that needs to change. I would like to enjoy romance, but not have it consume my being. I want to clear room in my mind to grow in different areas. But for now, it is what it is; it takes time to change lifelong habits.

“He” is now my ex, and there is still a lot to deal with on that front. The road to recovery would be long. I still feel just as strongly about Bsc, but trying to be more cautious. I am very nervous about meeting him again. Seeing how I feel; how he feels; if he makes room for me in his life. Is my fantasy about us real? What if I got it all wrong? What if that spark would be gone? Is his lack of availability truly just him being busy, or did he lose interest?

My life is in a point of transition. No relationship to invest all my energies in, no job, not even sure what country in the world I would like to live in. Everything is open, everything is possible. For the next few weeks I am declaring myself in vacation from life. In this liminal state, I can simply have fun without too much to worry about, if only I let myself. The following weeks and months will hopefully be time of experimenting, learning and growing. I hope to have more variety in my mind, and not be stuck in one place. I am excited to see what life will bring me next, and where my journey would lead. My body is now in transition, on an airplane across the Atlantic Ocean. My mind is in transition, but the destination is unknown. It is a strange and uncomfortable, but I also like it. I would like to fly for a while.

He brought me a red rose with a beautiful card. We hugged. We talked. His behavior confirmed my understanding of his response. He got hit really bad and now he feels defeated and want to change. He does not want to externalize but to internalize; look inside and correct his ways. He is going to therapy and seems to be serious about it. And he wants me to consider exploring the option of getting back together after we both go through what we need to go through.

It all sounds great, it looks like he is willing to change for real this time. For a second I thought that perhaps it is worth re-considering at a later time. But I have seen this before. After a peak in our struggle he always gets like that. It usually holds for less than a week. And then he is unable to contain himself and the struggle begins all over again.

I am happy that the peak this time around was me leaving rather than him retaliating. But I know it is not done yet. I saw his body language. I saw his pain and also the anger at times, hiding between the lines. I know exactly where this is leading, although it might take longer because the blow is deeper and harder. But it will come, hopefully not as severely as I feared. He will get upset at something and try to drag me to this circle of pain again. But he will not be able to reach me. I will not fall into that trap again.

I told him that I am through; that as far as I am concerned this is over. I did not use the word “final” because I knew from previous communications that it is his greatest fear at the moment. He wanted to keep a window of opportunity open; I said that I can’t see us getting back together in the foreseeable future, but I am in a state of flux and have no clue what tomorrow brings. Might change my mind, see things differently, but I made it very clear that I strongly believe that it is not going to happen. As expected, he chose to cling to that faint hope. Well, that’s his choice.

It was very apparent that hearing this was very hard on him, but the meeting was surprisingly easy for me. A bit like a technical thing you just have to get through. At times, I felt like I was gonna be sick of all his fake softness and sweetness. If there was any doubt in my heart about leaving him, it is gone now.

The conversation was intense, but gave me the closure I needed. We both deserve ending ten years of relationship with a face to face conversation. We ended with a hug and a kiss, probably for the last time. We said goodbye and parted ways. It is now really, really over.

It started with saying good bye to our apartment. When all of the boxes were in the car, and I sat for a second to breath, I think it finally sank in. I was not going to be in this apartment that I really loved anymore. I started crying and crying… It was strange to grieve a place this way, I usually don’t get attached this way. The next day, I said a semi-goodbye to my therapist. I was very emotional and just wanted to get on the first airplane to Israel so I wasn’t sure at the time if it was the last session or not. It was very hard & emotional. Now that I got my tickets for Thursday, I know I am going to be here for another session if I wish to, but I am simply not sure if I can go through this again. She has been my rock throughout all this, and I will miss her input very very much. I also said goodbyes to people at work, both congregants (I work in a Jewish temple) and colleagues. I said goodbye to the staff at my favorite vegan restaurant, where I get my lunch once every week for three years now. am also saying good by to the city: the beach, the heavenly weather, the local cuizine, and the little perks of living in America that I can probably never afford back home. I also shop a lot; all kinds of little things that I’ve been postponing for too long and I know if I postpone it any longer I’m just not gonna have it because it’s either hard to find or too expansive in Israel. I am considering if I should talk to people in the shul we used to go to, and to friends that I see less frequently, or just let it be. I am also considering what to say on my Facebook page; I am not one to hold things inside, but I am really not in the mood to handle everyone’s questions.

Yesterday I actually bought the airplane ticket, and it suddenly hit me, that I will really not see him for a while. And I really want to say goodbye to him, I really want to close it in a mature way. I wish we could just sit for coffee, talk about just stuff, hug and say goodbye. But I know that the more likely outcome would be wither that he will try to convince me to get back together, or he’ll be mean to me. Not being able to say a proper goodbye hurts so much. Disconnecting everything so suddenly and sharply must be hurting him even more then it hurts me, because he didn’t have time to prepare. It was done a bit like a sudden death. And although I did have time to prepare myself, I still hate this, and I want some closure so badly. Thinking about it brings up so much pain, I literally sob every time I am thinking of the very likely option of not seeing him before I go. I hope we can, perhaps, do this at a later time. Perhaps in a few months, after the dust settles. Somehow, it doesn’t really console me.

After I took all of my stuff,took some time to cry a little, and was safe in a friend’s home, I called him to tell him I’m gone. His initial reaction was what I anticipated. He was in complete shock. He tried to negotiate, to convince me that I can’t do this, get into my heart and make me change my mind. His tricks included saying that we promised each other that neither will ever break up unilaterally, and we would talk about things. That was, indeed, the agreement. But he made it impossible to execute, because in the many times I tried to do a breakup conversation he just wouldn’t listen. In his desperation, he also suggested that he will kill himself, proving me that I was right to do this the way I did. I stood firm, told him that I am sorry it had to happen this way, but it’s a done deal. I requested he does not attempt to contact me. Then, I called his mother, told her that I left our apartment and our relationship, briefly explained to her the situation, and asked her to take care of him.

The first couple of days were really hard. He did not call me, and that was great. But at first he did communicate through my day and his mom. Yes, it was “authorized” communications, mostly about dealing with technical stuff of separating our lives. But it was what’s around it that made it so difficult.

It started about an hour after I finished talking to his mother. She called again, to tell me that he promises not to attempt communication and not to bother me. It sounded like she is influencing him to do the right thing, and that was a relief. From what I have learned in the following days, it seems like that severe blow took him past the initial anger stage, that I was so afraid of. Instead, he was in defeat mode. He has two modes – winning or losing. He felt he lost, so he needs to surrender. My terms were for him to stay away from me. For the time being, he is cooperating, but I know it is temporary. He will probably get angry and be mean to me later on. I hope that is all that he will do when he hits the anger stage again.

Since he is in “defeat mode”, it seems that he is also following him mother’s term. She instructed him to work on himself, change his ways, go to therapy, give me my freedom for a while, and then maybe we would get back together. Her agenda is to leave the window of opportunity open. She understood I have made up my mind for now, but hopes it can be fixed later on. His brother & sister sang the same song, hoping we’ll get back together. I understand it was a big shock for them all, and they are very dear to me and never hurt me, so I listened and talked. But it felt like although he is not pushing me any more, his family does. And that was very hard to deal with.

When I explained to his mother that it is not going to happen, she gave me a lecture about marriage. She talked about how she comes from a culture where you absorb and never leave the marriage, while I come from a home of divorces. I know she knows only the tip of the iceberg about my life with her son, but… that was so low. And it even put doubts in my mind for a minute or two. I did not like that. Leaving my marriage is one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever made on the emotional level, but one of the easiest on the practical one. It is crystal clear that this had to be done, and that it couldn’t have been done in any other way.

I haven’t heard from anyone in his family in 2-3 days. At this point they overcame the shock and they are not negotiating with me any more, which is good. I am still very very stressed, not sleeping and eating enough. But for change, this is not stress about coming home to that little hell that was my life in recent months, but positive sort of stress. I simply have a lot to do before I leave the country this coming Thursday. Packing stuff, and closing my affairs… I may or may not come back and my to do list seems endless. I am in “action mode.” It kinda helps distracting me from everything, lets me just be and do while the wound begins to heal.

I am in a crossroad in my life. Everything will reboot now. It is very exciting, and somewhat intoxicating. I know it is temporary, and the hardships of life will continue to come, even though I don’t know what’s waiting for me. But for now I am just going to enjoy my freedom.

This weekend I was his perfect wife. I was with him as much as he wanted. So close, spent so much time together. No fighting, because I tend to agree with whatever he wants (well, I’m not gonna be around here anyway to suffer the consequences, so what do I care?). But I would slightly disagree with him on stuff, so he wouldn’t suspect of anything. I didn’t know I could be so cunning.

We went for a walk on the beach, holding hands the entire time. We ordered pizza and watched a Buffy marathon last night. When together, I believe completely that I intend to stay, so I can lie convincingly. He talks about plans for the future, and I respond as if it was all going to happen. I disagree on some, and agree on others, just like I would if it was real, if I planned to be there for these things. But I modify it slightly, I agree a bit more than usual, so he will feel assured about “us”, and not get into a fight. I hate doing this, but this is the only way he will not suspect, and the only way not to have a crazy fight. Had I given the slightest hint of not planning to be part of these things, part of his life, we would have spent this last weekend together fighting and yelling. It hurts me so much to do this, but I prefer this deceit over the drama. Besides, if confronted directly, I wouldn’t have been able to lie and he would have found out about my intentions, and that would simply be dangerous.

Being with him is harder than ever. Although suffocating, I do enjoy most of our time together. However, the faking is intolerable. Being so dishonest is so painful. When we are not together I am plotting my way out: how to separate our savings and assets in a smooth and clean way; how to protect myself from his retaliation; how to pack my stuff as quickly as possible; where to stay and how to make sure he can’t find me… and the list goes on and on… This discrepancy between my true intentions and the way I act is killing me. I would never had chosen this, but I know that it is the only safe way out.

Tomorrow morning my friends are coming to help me pack. I have a place to stay for the next week or two until I decide what’s next. I have a place to store my possessions and enough money set aside for me to get by for a bit. When everything is in order, I will call him and tell him I’m gone. Then I will send him the information of how I divided our assets (I hate having to do this by myself, without a dialog!) and how I expect him to handle the technical aspects of separating our life, I’ve got it all ready to go.  I really wish I could have done this in a different way, to discuss things like two adults. But he won’t let it happen. I feel guilty for leaving this way, doing things behind his back, I never wanted to do things this way.

The worse thing is the fear of his reaction. I hope he can accept it peacefully, but that is not likely to happen. I don’t know what he is going to do, and it drives me crazy. The fear can be paralyzing, I know I can’t expect his reaction. But it will most likely be mean. I really hope I am wrong about him. In the past, when he was hurt or angry at someone, I was there to calm him down. I heard him planning how to hurt the other person, sometimes it was horrible things, but I would remind him that it’s not a way to act, I helped him control his anger. What will happen when I am not around, and he is more hurt then he has ever been? I am truly afraid, and I am not even sure what it is that I fear.

The last week was so hard. So much to do in such a short period of time. Need to put all the pieces in place, without him finding out.  So afraid, and so lonely. I simply had so little time to talk to my friends and family, and get that much-needed emotional support. But there will be time for this later, when I have to deal with the aftermath of this. I managed to overcome the fear, and plan what I needed to do, and I am confident that I am as ready as can be.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I go to a new life. Tomorrow I may be hurt, but I will be free.

I knew that there is something really wrong there, I knew it very early on. But I was in love. I really liked what we had together – shared interests, dreams, and a lot of fun. He made me laugh and always challenged me intellectually. And he hurt me, and that is probably part of what I liked about this relationship. I know now that I wanted this, it served my emotional needs in some crooked way. And that kinda confirms my stupidity hypothesis.

I should have known better. I shouldn’t have fallen to this trap, over and over again. This is so obviously an abusive situation. I remember the fear, the shame, being pushed to do things I don’t want to do, my friends and family worry about me. I read in the newspapers about abuse, I studied about it in college. I knew what it looks like, and i knew it looked like my relationship. Yet, I stayed and didn’t doubt it for one minute. He is very sophisticated, and he never crossed the one line that would have removed all doubts from my mind, he never touched me in a harmful way. But everything else is just so obvious… textbook abuse.

I have never seen myself as a victim. I know myself, I know I don’t let things happen to me, I make them happen. And I will fix this, real soon. But for ten long years… I chose this pain, and I just can’t justify it to myself. I trapped myself in this, I am responsible for this just as much as he is. I am angry and ashamed. At myself.

After last night’s drama we talked a little bit. My mistake – I said I am thinking we’re done. So he panicked. I wanted to catch some sleep, so I said I’m not sure… There was a lot of crying (for change, not my own)… at some point there was sleep.

We started again this morning. I started with trying to calm him down and telling him everything will be okay, ’cause I knew he can’t accept a breakup. But I’m a bad liar, it didn’t work. So I told him I actually want to break up, and was afraid to tell him. Which is pretty much the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

And then the dance begun. He ended up convincing me that I didn’t want to break up, and I think I was convinced… Or was I? I am sooo confused. The reason I wanted to stop things and really break up now was because I thought we are at a dead end. But apparently, we’re not. Things still suck, but he gave me hope. Yes, again.

Not sure what just happened… Did he really convince me or did I just want to get back to normal?

I have a lot to think about.

We had this fight, and I ended up calling the police. I still can’t believe it got to that point. There was that moment, that he wouldn’t let me get into the house, and wouldn’t let me take the car and drive away. It was so scary, that I can’t do anything… I was not scared for my physical well-being, I don’t think he would ever lay a hand on me. But it was almost as bad. I felt trapped, cornered, and scared… not sure what I was scared of, but it was scary. So I called the cops. And of course then he became all nice and great, and begged me to stop, and he would do anything for me, bla bla bla…

I don’t know what to do next. The pain is intolerable. I know I need to get away. But all I want is to go back to my routine. I just wanna go back to the plans for the evening… sit together and watch TV… Take care of laundry… stuff like that. I can’t deal with anything right now. I know I should leave. Or maybe plan to leave tomorrow. But I just can’t deal with this emotionally right now, I just want to forget about the pain.

That is exactly what happens every time. We hit rock bottom, and it hurts so much that I can’t deal with the pain, so I want to forget about it. And by the next morning, I really do forget, the pain seems dull, not so bad… so I let it be for a while longer. Convincing myself that I can deal.

I know it’s not going to happen this time. I know I will be leaving in the next few days. And that helps. Not sure how the rest of this evening is going to unfold. I know it will be mellow, and he’ll do whatever I tell him to do, and that’s good. Tomorrow will be another day in the emotional battlefield. I hope I will be strong enough to deal.

For a while it seemed like therapy was helping. Things were moving forward, and for a second I was able to see something good in the horizon. It scared me that it was going to be so far away, and I wasn’t sure if it would be enough. But I wanted to see some improvement, hoping I will want to be with him again.

But in the last couple of weeks things have shifted again. He is terrified about the possibility of losing me and it drives him back to his old habits. Nothing is happening in therapy any more. Instead of trying to find solutions, he finds ways to further complicate things. How did the therapist call it? “Flooding” with problems. We try to isolate the different issues so we can, maybe, resolve them. But he entangles them back together, so they can’t be resolved.

The way I see it, he can’t handle all this ambiguity about our future. I can’t promise him I will want to be with him when this is all over, if such thing is even possible. I can’t promise him I will want to have children (with him or at all). I can’t promise him that I will come back from my visit back home. I can’t promise him that I will not leave. I will not do such things, these would be lies. It all may turn out just okay for him, if he releases his grip on me. But it might not. And it scares him to his bones. So our lives are a living hell, again. He tightens the pressure, hoping I will not escape.

I can not be in this situation. I can not bear being controlled, not again. I am unable to take care of his fears. I can not live in fear of his next outburst. I was willing to take it to some extent, when I thought we may have a chance for improvement. But I don’t see us moving forward from the place we are in, it can only go down hill from now. And it’s pretty down as it is. I do not know what it means about the future, it will probably be the end of out marriage, and that hurts me so much. But I know it is necessary right now.

So I think I will leave our apartment really soon. I need to think how to do it, when… But I have pretty much made up my mind. The thought about it both excites me and terrifies me.

Nothing special prompted today’s pain. Probably couple’s therapy, I am usually like that after these sessions. They shake me real well. They remind me of how hard things are, and push both of us to make decisions, and fast. But it means it’s probably helping us move towards a resolution, one way or the other. So it’s probably good. We are now negotiating all kinds of details in our lives, and most importantly, me taking some time off and going home to Israel for a few weeks, by myself. I thought real hard in the past few weeks, and realized that this is what I really want right now. Don’t want to break up until I know what I want of my life a bit better, and I want to see if the relationship poison can be removed with therapy. I know that if I get some distance I will have a better perspective on both.

I think the reason everything hurts so much is that sense of loss. There is nothing new in this situation but it’s severity. My life has been stuck in this “bad relationship/no career/lonely away from home/bored with my life/no hope” situation for a long time. I only realized recently how bad it is, but it shouldn’t have been so unbearable. I got so used to compromise and just being “okay”, my emotions ranging from misery to okay, with short peaks of nice or happy. But for a few moments I was truly alive, and now I grew an appetite for it. I remember now how it is to feel alive; to truly feel, and it can be pain or joy, but it’s life. I know this memory is fading away, and soon I will forget it and might succumb to my old life again, and I fear it so.

In days like this, my instinct is to start calling my friends, but then I realize I have nothing to tell them and it’s not going to help. I often confuse pain with loneliness, it’s almost the same for me. So talking usually seems to help. But actually it’s just a distraction. And if I talk to someone who actually knows what’s going on with me… well, it’s almost worse. For some reason most of my friends are trying to help me untangle this, but the truth is that there is no easy way out of this mess, only ways to cope. I am doing what I think needs to be done but it’s very slow, baby steps, really. I chose a hard and slow path. And it’s hard for my friends to hear me hurt, but that’s the biggest help they could really offer me, most of the time. Yet, I need to deal with things on my own, and writing is the only thing I can think of that is truly dealing and not a mere distraction.

So I write.

The story in short – he plans on going, assuming I want it too. I may have indicated an interest, because I felt I have no right to not be interested. I “must” want to spend a vacation with him, and I “must” use my vacation from work for our quality time. Or so I thought when he just started talking about it. But I don’t have to do anything. I have a right not to want to be with him. And I have a right not to want to spend my vacation this way, since I do not find it so interesting. I mean, it could be okay, and I do love his family, but it’s not high on my priority list, and I can’t afford it.

I plan to quit my job soon, since I am bored there and feel it’s holding me back. And then I’m gonna go back to Israel for a while, to see friends and family & Bsc… figure out things, maybe stay there. Not sure how long I’m gonna stay there. Could be just a few weeks. But I also could not come back here. I know I need to do this by myself, I need to find my own path, away from his influence, and where I have a better support system.

It is related to his east coast trip because it means I need all the money I can save for that, can’t afford any waste. It is going to be an expensive adventure. And I’m soon to be unemployed, which is also not going to be easy. I have no intentions of going to the east coast with him, unless I don’t come back here, continue to the other side of the Atlantic ocean. He can influence the timing of my move. But it’s happening. I need it so badly.

I am going to be asked to explain this in tomorrow’s session. And I can explain it to myself, but it’s going to be hard to explain to her. And it is going to hurt him, because I have made a huge life decision without him. And… because I’m leaving.

So it’s going to be really flammable, and scary.

I am determined, and I will do it. I hope this session is not going to confuse me about it, because knowing I am leaving is the only thing that keeps me going right now.

I think that is part of the reason I am giving up and losing interest.
I realized that I don’t have that emotional support anyway. Almost all that I accomplished in my life, I feel that I have done despite his presence in my life, instead of thanks to it.

And I realized that since I don’t have this support now, it’s not likely that I will ever have it.
I can’t imagine him being there for me if something really bad happens to me. Or if things get really rough.
And that makes all these sacrifices not worth while anymore.

And nothing happened, I just started thinking  about things after I talked to a friend last night about stuff and following stuff that came up in this morning’s therapy session… And I am so upset.

I told my friend about our new financial arrangement, and he was so mad. And now I am. The idea is that we take what’s left from our incomes after bills and stuff, and what’s left we divide by half. And I hate it, it’s soooo wrong, but it’s better then the alternative, which is to hear him accusing me of using him financially and controlling me through not approving spending or making me feel really bad about it.

I hate this so much. How did we get there?

The only time he ever gave me something without making me feel bad about it, was in 2000, when we went to Italy. If I recall correctly, I told him I have money for airfare and about a week of stay. He wanted two weeks and… well, so did I, but I couldn’t afford it. So he paid for the difference. And it was fine. Actually, these two weeks were the best we ever had. We didn’t fight , we worked as a team… We were together. And I distinctively remember it because it was very very unusual.

When he wanted to move in together, I knew I can not afford it. I was in college & living with my parents and they had no money and I was making very little, and he was helping me here and there as it is. But he really wanted to leave his parents’ home, and I was happy to get out of the insanity that my parents’ home was, and he was about to graduate from college, just started working and wanted it so bad. We weren’t married, but I saw us as sort-of-married, in the sense that we are and should function as a commune, a kibbutz or something – emotionally & financially. I believe that a family is like that – everyone puts in their resources, and then it is distributed according to the individual’s needs. Even though it was not this way on paper (yet), I felt we are family. So when he wanted to live together, I was okay with him paying for most of our expenses, because we were a family. But I never asked for this. I was kinda insecure about it, because he always made all kinds of comments about my so-called over-spending, but I trusted him. Even though I was very uneasy about it.

And these first few years were so hard, he made me feel like I’m supposed to give something back. e talked about this, about our expectations from this relationship financially. It seemed like we were on the same page – we agreed on the Kibbutz analogy. But then in practice… it was something different. I think he wanted me to keep the house cleaner, because I was more around the house, but I was supposed to study. And he said I was not studying enough, and it was true, I had a lot of wasted days, I’m such a procrastinator. But instead of respecting my process, he made demands. He rarely said it was about the money, but I felt it was that. And he did use it as a reason to push me not to spend so much. I am not a big spender, not at all. But he made me feel this way.

I wonder if I thought that getting married would solve some of it. If he would feel more equal or less used or something of that sort. I don’t remember, quite frankly. But it didn’t. After the wedding we both went through a horrible year. He had his reasons, and I was trying to be supportive, but it was never enough. And I was in my senior year of college, and I didn’t know it then, but I was developing a serious depression. And it had to wait until he copes with his emotional stuff because he was suffering so much more. And I also thought that my issue was about me suddenly hating college (I didn’t realize it’s a symptom and not  cause at the time), and it would go away when that year ends. So we got through that year, same financial tension. But it was sort of reasonable, I guess.

And then I graduated, barely, but things didn’t get better for me. I found myself in a very bad emotional place, and it took me a long time to get a grip on myself and even start searching for a job. And he made me feel so bad about this, and couldn’t see that I was in distress, and when I started to call it depression he de-legitimized it and called it laziness. Which made it even harder to cope with. Because him not acknowledging it made me not understand what it is and delay treatment. I had to overcome his lack of support and find strength to seek treatment on my own. And it was so painful, because when he was going through something, just a few months earlier, I was there for him. And now he wasn’t supporting me in my time of need.

And the money thing made it so much worse. He made me feel like such a leech at that time. And I was stupid enough to take his side, thinking that I really am not helping our financial situation, and this is not okay, and feeling bad every time I needed to buy something for myself. Eventually I managed to pull myself together, and found a job I loved, and for about 6 months I actually made a bit more then he was making, and for the first time in years, there was no tension between us over money.

And then we moved to the United States, he found a great job right away. I had barely any professional experience, and it was really hard for me as an immigrant. But I found a job, I kinda like it even though it’s not so great. Anyway, the end result is, that for the past three years he is making about 2/3 of our income. And I have more expenses, both shopping and medical needs. And he doesn’t have the need to buy stuff for himself, which is fine. But it makes it look in his eyes like I am spending his money. Yes, that’s right. I am spending his money.

The reason I am mixing the money stuff with other life stuff is because it is very clearly not only about the money. It’s about acknowledging me for who I am. About support. Yes, we have different spending priorities. He wants more savings, I want to enjoy our life now (and still have savings, but less of it). But he can’t acknowledge my needs – neither emotional nor financial.

Our budget meetings became hell-like. We wanted to save more, and I would ask him what he wants me to give up? The very few cloth I buy? My therapy session? Health insurance? And it’s ridiculous, because we really don’t have an outrageous lifestyle. We don’t buy expensive stuff, we save when we can. And we do have fun and and eat out or go to places, but not too much and we’re really pretty frugal. But I kept feeling like I can’t get things that I need, even though we have the money in the bank.

He got more and more impatient with cases of “paying for my mistakes” or my spending on medical stuff. It got worse and worse as time passed. I think what broke me was the way he reacted to my trip home in March. There were a lot of emotional sensitivities around it, the decision making process, whether or not he agreed to it, and what happened when I was there. The entire thing was about $1300, most of it airfare (Israel is really far), and two weeks away. And when I came back and things started getting worse and worse between us, he blamed me for using him and his money on myself and stuff of that sort.

So a few months ago, when I couldn’t bear it anymore, we divided up our discretionary spending. And on most things it works much better. For example, when I lost my cell phone a couple of years ago, he made me feel really bad about needing to buy another one. Now, I know I lose things or they fall and break, so I always buy a cheap cell phone that I wouldn’t feel bad if something happens to it. And I only spent about $50 on that new phone, which is really good. But he made me feel like a big spender because this wouldn’t have happened to him, he keeps his stuff better. And make me feel bad because I am not good enough, in addition to spend too much. That phone from survived me for about 18 months, but it’s starting to break. Now that we have separate shopping budgets, I could just go and buy a new phone for about the same price without asking him. Without his control, without him using this to hurt me, without feeling like I am wrong to spend something on myself.

So it makes the everyday life more tolerable, but the self pity and uncontrollable crying session of this morning was triggered by the thought of how he still doesn’t really care and see me. I mean, I know it is gonna be a long process until he can truly acknowledge my needs, if at all. I don’t expect an overnight change . I know that he can’t see why I need the stuff I need. And maybe he’ll get there, and maybe not.

But some things are just too crazy, the way he can’t see me at all. He knows I’m postponing a very necessary dental treatment because I can’t afford it right now, that every day that goes by could make things worse and more painful/expensive to treat. But he is not suggesting that I just use our savings (without needing to pay it back from my llowence.) Yes, it’s gonna be very expensive, but we can handle it. And then he assumes I will pay for that east coast trip when his sister gives birth to visit her and attend the Brit. He knows very well that I can barely get through the month as it is, but he wants to take a 10-day vacation. It’s not that appealing to me anyway, I’d rather spend my money on visiting my family, if I can. But even if I wanted to go – under the circumstances, I can’t afford it.

I am not sure what hurts me more – that we are at that point that he doesn’t care about my well being enough and don’t see my needs in such a deep level that he would share my medical bills, or realizing that it had actually been like that for a long, long time?

My meditation is dancing. And today I danced. When I dance, as I move my body to the music, and everything else goes away. I feel the music through my bones, I express it in any way my limited body will allow me. And for those few moments, there are no boundaries, I am free.

Today I won the daily battle to control my mood. Just a small victory in the war that almost consumes my life. I hope I’ll win it tomorrow as well.

Is it too much time in his company?
Is it being choked by his love? His need?
Perhaps.

But I think something else triggered it this time. I may be  ignoring something else that bothers me. It is so easy to blame everything that goes wrong in my life on my collapsing marriage, but there is so much else going on, all the time. I think it may be some sort of social anxiety, fear of going back home by myself and needing to deal with all the people that I got used to have only virtual relationships with. And about not being worthy. But it could be something else.

This feeling is becoming way too familiar. It’s hard to breathe, it’s real and physical pain. I want it to go away.

I need to find my calm. Need to find my peace. Need to find my center. Breathe.

It was only when I was actually there, sitting in the synagogue, reading the prayers, that I understood it. So much of it is about the greatness of God. So much of it is about how small we are and unworthy. And I have felt that for too long in my life, in my relationship. I have been belittled and marginalized for too long. I allowed myself to believe I am small and not important enough. And I am done with that. And I can’t take anything of that sort right now. Now is the time for me to love me. Later I can get proportions.

And I knew that if I sit through services, participate in it, I can not avoid it all together. Saying those prayers, even if I don’t mean it, but just pronouncing the words… something would sink in. And I didn’t want to. Not this year.

It’s like a veil has been lifted from my soul and now I can think clearly again. When the dark thoughts & feelings crawl back, I can control them, and decide if I want to keep them or not. And right now I really don’t want them, this is not the right time. For the last few days these feelings almost controlled me, but I can finally tell them to go away, because they immobilize me.

It absolutely amazes me the way I am impacted by each and every conversation with Bsc. The way his words resonate in me for days, sometimes weeks. But when we don’t talk for too long, missing him becomes an unbearable burden. Of course, part of this is caused by my insecurity and fear that he might stop caring at some point. But it’s also a desperate need.

It’s great to be happy after talking to someone who is important to me, the way he is. It’s the need I have a problem with. In a sense, I give him control over my happiness. Would I have snapped out of that darkness if he hadn’t called? Would I be able to regain my control?

I know I tend to give men I love power & control over me, done that many times, in many different ways. Some wanted it, some refused it. I know I love being vulnerable, overpowered. But I also hate and fear it, cherish my freedom. What I feel to him is deep and true, but the way I choose to experience it is supporting my pathologies. I know he is quite unavailable to me, yet I allow myself to need him so much. I know I can never truly have him, yet I keep on yearning for him. I know I am taking a huge emotional risk, but I take it happily, perhaps too happily. His absence from my everyday life feeds my emotional masochism, I am addicted to this pain. Soft pain, it’s there all the time, crawling in my heart, and then I feel more alive, special.

And when there is no reason to feel the pain, I create one. I complicate things, I find trouble when they do not necessarily exist. Actually, I wonder if this is part of what I am doing now, knowing that he might read this; how intense is my need for him. Perhaps I am trying to scare him off. I hope I won’t push him away. But there is no deeper pain than the sorrow of losing someone you love, and I wonder if I can resist it.

Now it’s suddenly connecting in my mind to that very close friend from high school who failed me,  and we are just now reconnecting (maybe). I have been betrayed too many times. This uneasy feeling is crawling into my mind because I know I should be more careful about who I trust. I also know that I am addicted to this sense of vulnerability I get when giving this sort of power in someone’s hands.

This is another step in exposing myself completely to him, and as much as I love it, I am also terrified. I am putting my trust  in the hands of a person I know so well, but also not at all. I’ve known him forever and yet for such a short time. I have his word that he cares for me, but I am used to seeing it expressed in a very different way than that. It’s hard to understand it from the far, and I have my  doubts that are most likely just paranoia. Yet – am I too quick to trust him? Am I hoping in some perverted way that he’ll hurt me somehow?

There. I wrote it, it’s out. Writing is good for perspective, now it seems so silly. But just a few moments ago this fear paralyzed me. Now I can concentrate again and do my work.

I believe that certain connections are beyond time and space. They are eternal. And this was one of them. When it ended I knew that he is still in my heart forever, and will always be my friend even if we never speak again. But as the years passed, I started to doubt it. I thought that he had forgotten all about me, and that I was completely wrong.

I know very well that a single catching-up conversation doesn’t mean much, and it might end there. Actually, it happened before, that we weren’t in touch for a long time and we caught up and loved each other and time was not important. And then… he disappeared. For what seemed like forever. So I am somewhat suspicious. But I hope this time it’s for real, and maybe he grew up a bit. And it might not be, but that would also be okay. I still hope he is not going to disappoint me.

Right now, it really gives me hope in the world, in people. Hope that I was not delusional about what we had, about that connection that was so special to me. ZeUberBitch said about this: “The world never stops surprising us.” And I love these little surprises.