sound living

Building Awareness, One Lunch at a Time

Ari Moisiades — Tue, 01 May 2012 10:00:20 +0000

At first glance, he seems bright and engaging. As you talk, however, it becomes clear he represents values counter to what you stand for. You know him to be charming and intelligent – the kind of person who carefully considers his viewpoints, but what you’re hearing simply makes no sense. How do you react?

It’s all too easy to slip into an “other-izing” mindset, to begin down the path of “us-vs-them” thinking. But aren’t the vast majority of people “doing the best they can with what they know?” If so, it stands to reason that this person, must have valid reasons for his position. And if that’s true, doesn’t it mean that we, even as we’re gearing up to judge what we’re seeing, must not know the whole story?

In this talk from TEDWomen 2010, Elizabeth Lesser takes on the pervasive “Us vs. Them” mindset, outlining its grave and global consequences, when left unchallenged. As a potential solution, she introduces a grassroots initiative, “Take the Other to Lunch.”

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become character.
Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.

~Frank Outlaw

So, who are you inviting to lunch?

“I Promise”

Ari Moisiades — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 10:00:43 +0000

In contrast to last month’s discussion of boundaries, we devote this issue to “saying yes.”

People say “a man’s best wealth is his health.” And while I won’t disagree, I’d also offer that our most powerful “currency” lies in our word. In other words, when we say we’ll do something, we’ve given our word – and to break that promise is to compromise our integrity. And without our integrity, not only do we teach others we can’t be trusted, we’re simultaneously teaching ourselves the very same lesson. Once we turn that corner, it’s a short leap into disillusionment about what’s possible for us and what’s not.

In the piece below, which I’ve printed in its entirety, fellow coach and current Chicago Coach Federation president Kam Gupta makes a persuasive case that the simple phrase “I promise” represents one of our most precious possessions: our word.

What Matters Most

Promises are easily made. Keeping promises often proves to be much more difficult than making them. There are many reasons people cite when they do not keep a promise. When confronted, you might hear “I forgot,” “I did not have enough time,” “I had an emergency,” “I was planning to do it,” “I am sorry, I didn’t mean to…” and many more.

Many times we make promises out of respect, sheer pressure, desire to please everyone, or to win recognition/praise. We find it easier to agree to undertake many tasks than to say “no.” Similarly, there are many other circumstances that compel us to justify things that might not be true, regardless of what we believe our values are. Such circumstances and situations affect our trustworthiness and affect our reputation and credibility.

When we consistently keep our promises, whether to ourselves or to others, we promote our self as someone who can be trusted to be truthful. Openness and sincerity are pre-requisite for all trusting and loving relationships. Our word is one of our most precious and powerful possessions.

When we promise more than what we can deliver, hide from the consequences of our actions under false pretenses, or deny our true selves to others, we hurt those who count on us by proving that their faith was wrongly placed. We also hurt ourselves in the process, when we break our promises. Being honest to our self leads us to maintain our honor and reliability and puts people at ease. Others feel comfortable in seeking out our friendship and collaborating with us on projects of greater importance, certain that their positive expectations will be met. If we do catch our self in a falsehood, we could ask what we wanted to hide and why we felt we couldn’t be truthful. And if life’s surprises prevent us from keeping our word; admitting “oops” humbly and making amends quickly helps.

Since the path of truth frequently represents the perception of a more difficult journey, embarking upon it builds character. We can harness the power of our word when we do our best to live a life of truthfulness. That’s when we are able to understand what motivates dishonesty. In keeping our agreements and sincerity, we prove that we are worthy of trust and perceive values as something to be incorporated into our daily existence.

Most of us genuinely want to be trusted. We can only be trusted if we are trustworthy. Keeping promises made to others and to ourselves is one way to restore our trust in us and in others. Promises test our ability to be honest and sincere. So the questions for each of us become, “How do I feel about being honest? How do I define honesty? How do I justify dishonesty or falsehood?” “How do I feel when I break a promise?” and “What is my true intention when I make a promise?” Answering these questions will expose our values to us. We can then decide if our values are those of convenience or conviction, alignment or alienation, comfort or camouflage – possibly leading to some very revealing insights that can become the best motivation to move forward.

“Getting to No”

Ari Moisiades — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 10:00:04 +0000

I cannot give you a formula for success. But I can give you
the formula for failure. Try to please everybody.

~ Herbert Swope

Since trying to please everyone is a sure-fire recipe for disaster, what’s the secret to managing all those demands on your time?

One word: “No.”

Blogger, Leo Babauta, offers 10 quick tips for mastering the word “No” in this LifeHack post.

Avoiding Regret

Ari Moisiades — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 10:00:18 +0000

Kindness in words creates confidence.
Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.
Kindness in giving creates love.

~Lao Tzu

February: the month of love. But how often do you take Cupid’s “Love Thyself” arrow to heart?

There’s certainly nothing wrong with demonstrating your love for others on Valentine’s Day. But if we don’t focus on giving love to ourselves as well, we may find it more difficult to love others. Worse, this neglect of self can lead to regrets.

Love yourself enough to envision what you might regret not having said or done, if you were at the end of your life. Start from the end, and work backward. From this perspective, what would you change now?

For more on this topic, check out Bronnie Ware’s thought provoking article, Regrets of the Dying, which discusses the top five regrets she heard from her patients while working in palliative care.

Reduced Stress Through… Planning?

Ari Moisiades — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 10:00:31 +0000

A New Format for a New Year

As we create each issue of Sound Living, we always strive to meet and respond to our readers’ needs, even as they change over time. Though we continue to receive positive feedback from this newsletter, we want you to know we hear your desire for content to be delivered in “smaller installments.”

So, beginning this month, you’ll see a change in how we cover issues, concepts, skills and debates in leadership and relationships. Each issue will focus on a single actionable idea, concept, initiative or tip designed to help you move your personal and professional life forward.

Of course, we want to continue to produce the content you find most helpful, and also to present it in the ways you find most useful and convenient. Please feel free to chime in with your feedback, either by leaving a comment below or through our contact form. We always love to hear from you, whether it’s constructive criticism or enthusiastic support!

Reduced Stress Through … Planning?

Either you run the day or the day runs you.

~Jim Rohn

Happy New Year! Is this the year you finally make your resolutions a reality?

Many of us have good intentions when the calendar rolls over. And just as often, many of us are clear on what changes we want to make. But if we’re overwhelmed or just plain over-stressed from the get-go, we don’t have a shot at realizing those goals, no matter how much clarity we have.

Marina Watson Pelaez offers some great suggestions to help prevent the derailing of our “best laid plans” in this article on Time.com.

When “No” isn’t the Right Answer

Ari Moisiades — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 10:00:17 +0000

The holidays are quickly approaching! For some, this month gives cause to celebrate; for others, December feels like a time to hide. It’s easy to see why: expectations ride high and deadlines are tight. If you’re not careful, it’s a recipe for overwhelm.

How can we sidestep the urge to hibernate for the month of December? Often, it boils down to one’s ability to say “no.” Most women, for example, have been trained to be “people pleasers.” Although there are wonderful intentions behind this, it often comes down to feeling uncomfortable with the possibility of upsetting someone. And I think we can all agree that operating from this kind of fear isn’t an ideal way to make a decision.

Turning Things Around

Before we can turn the behavior around, we need to turn the belief around. For example, let’s say you’ve received an invitation you’d prefer to decline. It’s tempting to think the host will feel rejected when you turn down his invitation. But what if you chose the perspective that you’re just passing on this particular opportunity? Not forever – just this time. Would this change how you feel about “taking a pass?” You might find it leaves you able to say “no” when it makes sense, minus the dread. If you manage your emotions effectively and decline respectfully, the host is likely to receive it the way you intended and assume you’re passing on the function – not them personally.

But what if the host won’t let it go? What if they insist you change your mind or ask what you’re doing that makes you unavailable? Well, then it’s time for “Assertiveness 101.” Here are three fundamental techniques that allow you to graciously hold your ground:

Broken Record – repeat your position as many times as necessary, simply and respectfully. You can paraphrase, change the emphasis or vary the tone, but essentially, keep sending the same message over and over, no matter the response. Also, avoid engaging “why” questions.
Toddler Talk – remember when you were little and you’d say “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom,” over and over until you got her attention? Then she’d say something like, “Honey, Mommy’s busy right now; so either go get Daddy to help you or wait until I’m off the phone.” Believe it or not, this kind of response works equally well with adults (as long as it’s delivered respectfully): offer a couple alternatives you can get behind. If the other party persists, be a Broken Record.
“I Feel/I Want” Statements – name what’s happening in a healthy way by conveying what you feel and want, rather than pointing a finger. So, instead of “You’re a louse for forcing me to go to your work party,” try “I feel pressed when you tell me I need to go to your work party, and I want a little more time to think about whether I can swing it.” Notice the first version is accusatory and puts the other person on the defensive, while the second simply names how the other person’s choices impact you, in a constructive and courteous way.

As they say, “There’s no time like the present” to hone your assertiveness skills. So, the next time you’re tempted to pull the covers over your head rather than leap into December’s festivities, take one of these techniques for a spin. Before you know it, you’ll have successfully navigated another holiday season and be ready to launch into January with your newfound assertiveness!

Expect the Unexpected

Ari Moisiades — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 10:00:55 +0000

November: a time of fallen leaves and sometimes, equally fallen pumpkin soufflé. Whether it’s a ruined turkey, unexpected guests or recurring family issues, we can all admit Thanksgiving provides numerous opportunities for tension and upset. While there isn’t much we can do to prevent these little “surprises,” there’s a whole lot we can do to make sure they don’t emotionally hijack us or our holiday.

No matter how much you plan and prepare, there will be moments when the unexpected comes to pass. But it’s not what happens that determines whether a holiday event succeeds or sours. It’s not even how you react that’s crucial; rather, it’s how you respond that determines whether the day is salvaged.

So, if you discover after 4 hours of “cooking” the turkey, that you forgot to turn on the oven, do you wail or work on “Plan B?” Or when Aunt Mildred unexpectedly shows up to dinner with her entire bridge group in tow, do you work it out or work her over? In every scenario, you have options. And depending on your ability to see beyond the “black or white” of a situation, you’ll either scare up your natural resourcefulness or you’ll just plain scare your guests!

“Tears are the best indication of where our work is.”
~ Carl Jung

Whether you get angry, upset or frustrated, what surfaces under duress is there to help you understand what parts of your life need attention. At times like this, it’s crucial to remember that we always have choices and that all isn’t lost, unless we give up.

So, when the unexpected lands at your family gathering, remember that you’re naturally creative, resourceful and whole. Let this confidence give you a nudge to select a more empowering perspective. Brainstorm some options. Choose one that suits you and your situation.

Getting eleven dishes, simultaneously hot, onto the holiday table can be enough to inspire tears and consternation – there’s no need to submit to defensiveness, denial or destructiveness all the while. Remember that we’ve already got what it takes to come up with a productive solution that preserves harmony and sanity alike. And that’s something for which I give great thanks.

The Zombie Groove

Ari Moisiades — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 10:00:11 +0000

“The unexamined life is not worth living.”
~Socrates

Got your attention, didn’t I? Rest assured, I won’t stoop to further cheap Halloween references for the remainder of this issue. Much. But behind the spellbinding title lies an honest-to-goodness debate: “Habit vs. Choice” (which, I’ll admit, doesn’t sound nearly as spellbinding).

As a rule, human beings love habit and loathe change. And habits aren’t necessarily a bad thing – they’re one of the ways we make sense of the world. However, we stumble into trouble if we don’t regularly examine whether we’re still benefiting from them. When that kind of trouble materializes, we’re likely to fall prey to what I’ll call The Zombie Groove.

What’s that, you say?

In short, it’s about unconscious living. It happens when we walk through life on autopilot, blindly going about our daily grind. In this state, we’re unaware that we’re making choices, even when our choice is NOT to choose. And while we’ve all “phoned it in” at one time or another, some of us allow The Zombie Groove to work its black magic, unimpeded, to the point where it permeates our lives. All too often, this comes at a ghastly cost: deadening of the spirit and loss of life potential.

How to escape “Zombification?” By cutting your own groove! In other words, you can successfully avoid the “land of the walking dead,” in three easy steps:

Examine the habits that occupy your life
Determine which you’ll keep and which you’ll leave behind
Substitute a new and more empowering choice, or decide, consciously, to stick with the habits you’ve chosen

For Example…

Let’s say you have the following two goals for next year:

lose 10 pounds
“make bank” to replace your car

Unless you stop to examine whether your day-to-day choices are supporting or sabotaging these goals, a seemingly innocent (but very definitely unconscious) habit – your daily latte – will add to your waistline and chip away at your ability to pay into the car fund.

Before you know it, this tiny ritual could cost you your battle with the bulge. And by the end of the year, you’ll have unconsciously spent about $1,000 that could have gone toward the “car fund.” By examining just one habit, you could potentially meet your weight loss goal and be $1,000 closer to a new car in your garage – the choice is yours!

Bottom line: a life spent sleep-walking is, essentially, a life lost. But if we hold our habits up to the light of day, we have the ability to see how they might be impacting our greater goals (or should I say, ghouls!).

By choosing whether to keep or release an old habit, we become sharper at spotting opportunity. So, get conscious about your habits – you might even get a shot at starring in your own life Thriller!

Honoring Your Values “With Gusto”

Ari Moisiades — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 10:00:25 +0000

“Life doesn’t require that we be the best, only that we try our best.
~H. Jackson Brown

Back to school! Whether you’re a student enrolled in school or a perpetual “student of life,” this time of year brings anticipation, excitement and the thrill of new adventure.

There’s something about September that makes us feel like cracking open a clean notebook and getting to write on the pages of life with renewed vigor. I’ve noticed that, no matter their age, most people arrive at the beginning of Fall revived, rejuvenated and raring to go.

But, raring to go where? Anywhere. Or, more precisely: anywhere they feel called to invest their “life currency” (where time + energy = life currency). We typically only get one “Back-to-School” opportunity each year – a rare chance to forward our life’s mission. So, it makes sense that we should devote these precious resources to activities that align with our values.

An Experiment

What would happen if you really put one of your core values “front and center?”

Go ahead and choose one of your top values (be it excellence, connection, integrity, etc.) and imagine what would happen if you made it top priority in your life. Then, ask yourself:

How would this choice change the ways you spend your time (both at home and at work)?
What impact do you imagine these changes would have on your life?
How would those changes make you feel about your job, your family?

For example, let’s say one of your top values is learning. What if you made “learning” a front-burner value this month? What changes would that involve? How different would your life look compared to now? What short- and long-term changes might you see? Looking back years from now, how would you feel about those results?

Clearly, this exercise can be customized to suit any of a number of purposes. But why invest the time? It’s well-known that a life lived consciously, aligned with our core values and mission, is a life abundantly filled with meaning, fulfillment and joy.

A Challenge

This month, I invite you to pick a value you’d like to emphasize in your life and get going with gusto!

What does September invite in you?
What are you going to claim as this month’s “Gusto Project?”
What top value is not being fully honored in your life? [Ideally, choose one that would positively shift the quality of your life, if you made it a priority.]
What small step can you take today to forward this project with drive and enthusiasm?

New adventure beckons – give it your all and encourage others to do so, too. Before you know it, you’ll watch the satisfaction and quality of your life improve exponentially!

Unleash Yourself!

Ari Moisiades — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 07:00:04 +0000

It’s not hard work that wears you out, but the repression of your true personality.

~Frances Hesselbein

There’s nothing like the ol’ “odometer click” to get you thinking about how you’ve spent one of the 100 or so trips around the sun we each take (if we’re lucky!). For me, this happens every August. I invite you to try on the following three questions I always ask myself on this day:

How’d last year size up?
Were you fulfilled in your work?
Were your days filled with meaningful activity and significant interaction with loved ones?

If you answered the last two questions with anything less than “plenty,” consider this a friendly tap on the shoulder to remind you that “the days are long, but the years are short.*” And if, like most people, you aspire to “a life well-lived,” I ask you: if not now, when?

Getting Your Dreams Out in the Open

Sure, there’s plenty of unhappiness in the world. Hopefully, not so much in yours. Even so, there’s always room for improvement. To get you started:

If the voices in your head are shouting, “Too many obstacles; too little time; too unrealistic,” you might want to revisit last month’s issue.Now that you’ve quieted the critical voices, what’s next?
You get to DREAM. Unleash yourself! Punch up the dreams you once held for yourself and your family. What parts of this ideal life are “present and accounted for?” What’s still missing? Are you working a soul-crushing job? Are you still in a relationship that’s smothering your spirit?

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life
that count. It’s the life in your years.”

~ Abraham Lincoln

Time to seize the day and snatch your life back!

Turning Dreams Into Goals… and Goals Into Action

How? First, by dissecting your dreams. In other words, sit down and get specific about what’s present and what’s missing in your life. Ask yourself, “What, in my life, is a true reflection of me?”

What doesn’t align with your truest expression of yourself is ripe for change. Whether it’s something to do with your health, a relationship, your job, or aspects of all three, these “missing pieces” are guideposts that will help you set concrete goals for change.

Once you’ve established your fundamental goals, break them down into simple, manageable action steps. If these steps don’t seem to leap out at you, start by imagining one tiny step you could take today to jumpstart the process. Pick something small you can finish the same day, so you can feel the blush of accomplishment and establish momentum.

Once your plan is in motion, it’s time to chart out a few more baby steps. Grab an accountability buddy (or a coach!) to help keep you inspired, energized and on track. As you pick up speed, each small step will inform the next, and before long, you’ll have sent that “doubter’s voice” off the proverbial cliff!

Starting Now

As you might have guessed, there’s no need to wait for your birthday to take stock of your life and start putting things right. There really is no time like the present to reinvent yourself. After all, making a big change is much easier one step at a time. In keeping with the “quote-hound” that I am, I leave you with one more:

“Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving
safely in a pretty and well-preserved body, but rather
to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally
worn out, and loudly proclaiming… WOW, what a ride!”

~ Author Unknown

*Thanks go to Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project