Sourabh Chronicles

The River Rapids

2009-07-16T16:44:00.016-04:00

Long before I begun my battle with the snow clad mountains, I had gone on a white-water rafting ride with a bunch of adventure seekers from my University. The destination was the ravaging Indian River located in the midst of the Adirondacks, a pristine isolated mountainous region in the far north of upstate New York. The plan was simple, camp out the night at the top of the mountain and once refreshed, take on the might of the Indian River. At that point of time I was still a student in Binghamton and had absolutely no prior experience of either camping nor white water rafting. As I found out much later, neither did anyone else.

Now, our trip was planned for the Memorial Day weekend, which occurs at the end of May, not yet the start of summer and hence not completely warm. Binghamton itself had warmed up the the extent that I didn't need a jacket to go outdoors. But while packing for the overnight camping trip, I didn't realize that 1. Adirondacks is way North, higher up and way way more colder & 2. staying out all night in a tent exposed to the elements is a completely different experience weather wise as compared to staying indoors in an apartment. So armed with just a flimsy thin fleece jacket, I set out with the others on this journey.

As soon as we entered the Adirondacks after sunset, it felt as if we were entering a world yet undiscovered by civilization. Cell phone coverage was non existent and it remained so for the rest of our stay. It soon seemed like we were the only one traversing the secluded pitch black road, my friends in the other cars had passed us long back and were unreachable by phone. Not aware that the rest of the journey would be through a region completely isolated, we hadn't stopped for dinner earlier. As the road rumbled on through the dense jungle, our stomachs started to make noises that would have scared away wilder beasts. Just as we had given up hope, we passed a bar with a bright red neon sign that said "open". Salvation in the form of a watering hole, in the middle of the jungle. The only eatable item on the menu was "buffalo wings"; they were unbelievably delicious and absolutely out of this world; the best I have ever had.

Moving on, we finally encountered the rest of our gang waiting for us near a field where we planned to camp out the night. Setting up the tent in the dark turned out to be easier than I thought. Lack of camping experience and preparedness meant, there were 4 humans for every blanket. As the night wore on, the cold started to set in and I soon found myself shivering. The only solution that I could think of was to sleep in the car. Thank god for car heating. We would crank up the heater, wait for the car to warm up, turn it off and go sleep till the car got cold again; at which time we would repeat the entire process. Somehow I made it through to the morning without transforming into an ice sculpture. A large steaming cup of hot chocolate and a delicious garden omelette at a nearby Diner helped me thaw myself back to normal.

Soon it was time for the adventure. The Indian River possesses among the best natural rapids in these parts, and spring is the best time to battle these rapids because the snow melts in the mountains and adds to the ferocity of the river taking it to a gut wrenching Level 4; which works great for a bunch of people rafting for the first time in their lives. Unlike the mountains of doom in my ski-trip, the rapids were fun, more fun than any roller coaster ride I have ever been on. At some point during the ride, when we hit a rock in a treacherous part of the river; and I was thrown off into the gushing cold rapids, the entire experience was that of sheer exhilaration. That was my high point of the entire journey. I fell right beside the raft and was picked up in less than a minute. One of the other memorable experiences was climbing atop a rock in the middle of a calm stretch of the river and plunging Tarzan style into the pristine water below. However the experience wasn't so pleasant for a friend of mine, a dude called "He-man" who apparently forgot to mention that he couldn't swim before he jumped. We pulled him back into the boat when he started flapping around his hands in desperation. After tirelessly rafting for almost 6 hours, the journey finally came to the end at the bottom of the Indian River.

As we took the bus back to our camp at the top of the river, I felt tired and cold but sad that the adventure was over. It was such a wonderful experience that I hope to take on the might of the Indian River again someday.

IPL 2 - Rise of the Sponsors

2009-04-30T16:15:00.041-04:00

Recently the second edition of IPL took off in South Africa and I have been religiously following the travails of the Mumbai Indians who have moved on from being the early title favorites to being second to the worst. Although I have followed most of their matches on cricinfo, I did get to watch a few matches live. The fierce on-field battles were accompanied by a bunch of mediocre ex-cricketer now turned commentators going way way over the top to praise their IPL bosses and to find more and more imaginative ways to mention the tournament sponsors.

The genius who thought that a Six should be called a "DLF Maximum" should be forced to face a ferocious Lasith Malinga without a bat, helmet, shoes or other kind of protection. This along with the ironically named "Citi - Moment of Success" (coming from a Bank that is desperately surviving on Government Bail-out money) and the strategic Time-out (strategic only for the sponsors) got me thinking about how things could get worse from next year onwards.

Imagine a cricket tournament with a sponsored name for every conceivable delivery, shot or run scored. Sample this commentary. Shane Warne takes a couple of steps and bowls a mesmerizing "Google googly". Sachin counters this by fetching the delivery from outside off, "Flickr flicks" down to "Hanes LongLeg" fielder and scampers thru for a "Shaadi.Com Single".

The Umpire who's dressed up in a dazzling white coat sponsored by "Surf Excel" signals the end of a "Kingfisher 6 Pack Over" by breaking into a Calypso dance with the West Indian players. Adam Gilchrist gets on strike and is clean bowled first ball. As he walks back in gloom, a Mirinda commerical starts playing, "Mirinda Bowled - Jor Ka Jhatka Dheere se Lage". Dravid who walks in next, is unfortunate to get out LBW to the next ball and is promptly followed by a commercial of "Lux - Fair n Lovely Legs" featuring the King Khan himself. Not to be outdone the next batsman plays a couple of defensive strokes before hitting straight into the hands of the bowler. This time the commercial that plays features a man and his unshakeable shadow with the tagline, "Caught - Yeh Fevicol Ka Majbut Jod Hai".

The match itself goes down to the wire and Sachin wins it for Mumbai. Sachin is unanimously declared the "Complan Boy" and is presented with a mug full of refreshing chocolate milk by Kapil Dev himself. Just before the camera zooms out, Kapil and Sachin smile into the camera and say "I am a Complan Boy".

With all these "sponsored" changes, the cash registers will tingle all the way for Mr. Modi and co. And soon they will be swimming in a pool of money like Uncle Scrooge. :)

Man versus Mountain

2009-01-12T15:49:00.017-05:00

This winter has been one of the harshest winters in the last 3-4 years and this weekend I will undertake a journey to the cold mountains of the North to renew my old battle with the elements of a frigid winter. The last time I was there 3 winters ago, was the first time I had faced these white slopes of terror armed with nothing but a pair of skis. I was accompanied on that mission by Dee, a hardened veteran of these slopes; Miss LJ, a terrified neophyte; Mister AK, an overconfident garrulous not-so-experienced dude & the invincible AJo, a fellow novice willing to take on the toughest of challenges.

I could feel a chill up my spine as we approached the mountain of doom and my knees started knocking against each other. I realized later that the shivering was caused by Mister AK turning off the heater by mistake. Dee led us to a sled where we were given the equipment we would need to take on this enormous challenge. As we dragged ourselves out to the slopes wearing unwalkable boots and carrying heavy skis, I realized that the slopes were filled with people of all ages, even waist high kids who zoomed by me as if they were born with skis on their feet.

Humbled, I put on my skis and pushed myself across the snow hoping that people would not notice that I was a beginner. Maybe I could be one of those wonder stories, of people who were natural at skiing the first time they tried. So far so good. Horizontal skiing seemed easy enough to learn. Dee kind of assumed that I had done this before and beckoned me to follow him up the slope. All you had to do was to hold on to your rope and get dragged up the slope. Seemed easy enough. As I held the rope, my skis somehow managed to get entangled in each other and before I knew it, I was flat on my back with my feet pointing up to the sky. I fell right beside the rope, so there was a huge line of people waiting for me to get out of the way. It was then that I realized its not so easy getting back on your feet when you have skis on. I felt like an over-turned turtle trying to turn over on a slippery block of melting ice. I also realized that on a relatively warm day, the snow is not really as soft as you think it is and hence the landing not so much fun.

It was finally when I got up and moved elsewhere that I noticed what my friends were up to. AJo the invincible was sitting alone at the extreme right of the slope beside a line of trees and a ditch trying to drag himself inch by inch to the bottom, took him close to an hour. It is a mystery to me how he got there in the first place. Miss LJ kept falling down in spite of not even trying to move. She must have fallen down at least 15 times while covering a total distance of 10 feet the entire duration that we were at the resort. Half the fun was watching her predict that she would fall and then topple over with progressively increasing levels of hilarity. Although I don't believe she found it as funny as we did. Mister AK in turn had the unique ability to fall down at the exact same spot at the top of the slope every time that he went up there. It seemed to us like he had met his Snowloo(read Waterloo).

Dee finally managed to teach me how to ski and took me to the top of the slope. The moment I pushed off from the top, I remembered that he had not taught me how to brake at the end of the slope. Ahh. If I had more friends like him, I wouldn't need any enemies. I went crashing into the net below, designed solely for crazy untrained beginners like me who did not know how to stop. Took me a couple of increasingly decelerated crashes into the net before I finally managed to brake to a halt successfully.

I should have known not to take training from a dude like Dee who had decided to tackle a Diamond slope the first day that he learned skiing. All he managed to do on that slope was to crash into a snow bump and get tonked on his head with his own ski. I wish someone had captured this you-tube moment.

That brought to an end my first skiing experience on the slopes of New England. The mountains had bellowed and shook but although bruised and rattled, we had survived the test. This time around 3 out of 5 will not be around, but the great AK is still there and I hope he entertains us with his unique falling skills yet again. Dee is far away in a land more famous for its shape shifting sand than snow. However his sister might be around and I will make sure that I don't ask her for any skiing tips whatsoever. Miss LJ suffered such terrible emotional trauma from her last skiing experience that there is nothing in this world that could get her near a snow mountain, not even the threat of Dee singing "Kuch toh Log Kahenge" non stop for 3 days into her ears. This time around the mountains shall tremble with the sheer speed and force of our ski blades.

Jai Ho.

Yeh Hai Mumbai Meri Jaan !!!!

2008-11-05T12:59:00.024-05:00

Recently T-Raj, decided to tackle his pet issue of Mumbai being off-limits for non-Maharashtrians by chairing a secret high powered committee to lay down the rules for a new and more Marathi Mumbai.

Fortunately for us, yours truly managed to sneak into the meeting and prepare an exclusive and explosive report on what was actually said. Here is the list of rules that the committee decided to lay down for us Mumbaikars.

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1. Mumbai IPL/ICL & Ranji teams shall only feature Marathi players. It's time we bid adieu to Jayasurya, Pollock and the talented Rohit Sharma. The committee was of the opinion that with Sachin still around, Mumbai does not need anyone else. The Mumbai Indians team will now be re-named the Mumbai Marathas.

2. Bollywood movies shall feature only Marathi actors. This means that, all movies henceforth will star either Ritiesh Deshmukh or Shreyas Talpade and will be directed by Amol Palekar. Pros: There is no shortage of gorgeous Marathi actresses (Madhuri, Sonali & Namrata). Cons: The item girls (Rakhi & Mamta) were banned by the other Sena for vulgarity.

3. Dalal Street will be renamed as Pandurang Marg and will rid itself of all Gujjus & Marwadis. The Stock Market itself will be closed for a couple of hours in the afternoon so that the brokers can get a poli-bhaaji lunch and catch a well deserved afternoon nap. Needless to say, the market will be closed for 10 days during the Ganesh festival and on both days that Shivaji Maharaj was supposed to have been born.

4. The Tatas, Birlas and Ambanis will have to change their surnames if they want to continue doing business in Mumbai. The Ambanis will now be the Ambekars, the Tatas will be the Thattes and the Birlas will be Birladhyakshas.

5. Udipi restaurants shall serve only Thalipeeths, Sabudana Wadas and other delectable Marathi delicacies. Dosas and idlis are henceforth banned in Mumbai. So are dhoklas and Undyu. Punjabi and Chinese restaurants will be given special permission to stay because the party bosses are fond of Mutton Biryani & Chicken Lollypops.

6. Outsiders will be allowed to reside in Mumbai only if they successfully clear a TOMFL (Test of Marathi as an Foreign Language) and TSM (Test of Spoken Marathi). These tests will be offered at centres all over India, except in UP and Bihar. Permanent non-marathi residents will be required to memorize and recite the complete works of Pu La. People who do not know who he is, will have their faces blackened and will be forced to leave the state on a donkey.

7. The dress code for men in Mumbai will be an ironed Dhoti and an immaculate white long-shirt. This can be topped off with a colorful pagadi. Women should wear the traditional navvari saree. "Ram Ram" is now the official greeting of the state and people are requested to use the same to greet each other.

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People who do NOT follow these rules will be forced to watch 5 back to back Dada Kondke movies with English subtitles AND/OR be forced to get down at Andheri station from a Virar fast at peak time. Repeat offenders will be forced to travel in the maal-dabba of the local train with the macchi-waalis every day for the rest of their stay in Mumbai.

Any satire detected in this article is completely un-intentional and is but a figment of the reader's imagination.

Jai Mumbai !!!! Jai Maharashtra !!!!

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God - Tussi Great Ho

2008-10-02T14:45:00.020-04:00

Of all the people that I met at Binghy, the omniscient Dr Saheb was one of a kind. He was the star research student of the University and the scope of his research transcended the boundaries of every department. Professors never seemed to get enough of him while his peers simply referred to him as GOD.

His popularity was such that there would always be a line of eager students standing outside Dr Saheb's research lab awaiting his darshan. The lines were longer than the peak hour line at Dickinson Dining Hall and half as large as the hysterical line of girls standing outside Baldwin, the then residence of Mr. Jogi Kat.

Dr. Saheb is a one man Printing Press and has printed out more pages(for his research papers) than major publishing houses. At one point, his demand for ink was so high that HP opened up a factory in Binghamton pandering exclusively to his demands. NYPL in turn built an extra floor underneath so as to accommodate his research papers. They are planning ways to expand further in 2009.

This high usage of paper has left vast acres of forest land all across the North East completely devastated. The West Coast faced similar problems, when he moved there. The trees there have a saying that goes: "If the Forest Fires don't get you, Dr Saheb will". Appalled by the thought that his research would soon run out of paper, Dr Saheb immediately presented a paper on writing more papers to resolve the issue.

Dr Saheb was once so inspired by Anil Kapoor's look in Musafir (or maybe because it was rakh-lee's fav movie) that he refused to shave for a month and sported a messy hairstyle. In the end he had to relent when his concerned research adviser threatened to cut off the power supply to his printer.

Dr Saheb was also quite charitable towards his friends and would gladly lend his car to his good friend Jogi who used it to impress the PYTs and drove them around town.

Once when I was with Jogi in Dr Saheb's lab, our eyes fell across the output of a program that he was running. The first line read, "Thus, Man has been Created". There it was, the program to create mankind. This would have been perfect proof that Intelligent Design was the key and not Evolution. No wonder he was called God. Unfortunately before we could read further, Dr Saheb turned around and with a magical wave of his mouse stopped us mortals from reading the rest.

Dr Saheb is now a world traveler, attending conferences all over, from Scandinavia to the remote islands of French Polynesia and working on projects that would benefit mankind. He also has known associations with some of the most eminent noble prize winners and scholars of our generation.

In spite of his brilliance, he is a completely down to earth individual, a nice guy and a really good friend. However his KoBra roots often lead to him viciously dasaofying innocent victims such as yours truly and another simple friend of ours, called Vishari.

I guess thats all for now. After reading this, I hope he doesn't write a Research Paper on 1000 different ways to bash me up. I wish him all the best for his Marriage and fervently hope that fewer trees are cut down after he gets married. Adios.

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Wall Street 08 - The Jogi Story

2008-09-26T16:08:00.017-04:00

A lot has been said about the recent collapse of Wall Street. Sub-prime mortgages, high risk mortgage securities, 700 billion dollar bail-outs, record bankruptcies; been there seen that. The market has never had it this bad since the "Great Depression". It is in such time that one of our top reporters(yours truly) went underground, lived dangerously and uncovered one of the biggest shouldered cover-ups of all time, the real reason behind the Wall Street crash of 08.

For the uninitiated, before I delve further into the report, let us talk a bit about a really good friend of mine, Mr. Jogi Kat. Jogi is a legendary Casanova with boldness, charisma & oodles of charm that would make even James Bond dark green with envy. His dancing in the now notorious Rathskeller (alias "the Rat") has left thousands of wannabe Kats dancing in his shadow trying with great fervor to match even the most fundamental of his many steps. Girls flock there in the fervent hope that they would find some souvenirs of the man once known as Vin Travolta. His female fan following has been and will always be unprecedented in the history as well as the future of mankind (his closest rival George Clooney has long since given up).

And if the killer steps and dazzling bold personality were not enough, Jogi also has one of the most envied physiques ever known to mankind. Mr. Mor once described Jogi's massive shoulders to be a colossal mass of pure solid muscle. The closest thing to Jogi that special effects could conjure up in a motion picture was the Incredible Hulk, but even the Hulk at his angriest just seems like a toned down version of Jogi. Jogi, once had to return a new jacket from JC Penney just because it just couldn't fit his massive shoulders. Since then, his jackets are specially ordered from a factory in some remote part of China. Mr. Mor in another of his colorful quotes said, "those aren't just shoulders, they are humongous boulders".

To give you a better idea of the charm that he possesses, here is a poster that one of the premier clubs in Manhattan posted all over the city, when Jogi announced his intention to move to the city from Binghy. (This poster is by courtesy of Mr. Mor)

Jogi already has 2 famous landmarks in Manhattan dedicated to him, the famous bull on Wall street is abstractly modelled after him while the statue of Hercules on Fifth Avenue, shown to be holding up the world is symbolic of the impact that Jogi's shoulders have had on the rest of the world.

Anyways before we digress further away from the topic at hand, let us get back to the breaking news regarding the real sequence of events that brought Wall Street crashing down to its knees.

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1. Jogi gets married in March 2007.

2. Girls all over the world get despondent.

3. They stop shopping in depression.

4. Shops and markets are affected.

5. Girls' dads stop building big houses with wide passages & doors.

6. Housing markets also take a hit.

7. In 2008, there is news that Jogi is applying for MBA in NYU.

8. Girls in financial firms, quit jobs en mass to apply to NYU.

9. Guys in financial firms lose motivation after girls quit.

10. Financial markets suffer complete breakdown.

11. Hence economy down.

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I hope that Jogi is busy enough with his courses at NYU that he does not end up reading my post. I pray to god to keep me safe from those immensely massive boulders. A mere twitch could send me into an infinite orbit around the earth.

In spite of all his qualities, Jogi remains a completely down to earth and a great guy to have around. He has always been quite sporting about the tons of fun that we keep having at his expense. I wish him all the very best with his MBA.

That's it for this post. Peace out.

Desi Pink Panther

2008-05-27T15:49:00.018-04:00

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1. Pink Panther

Recently I watched Peter Sellers play the bumbling French detective Inspector Clouseau in the classic "Pink Panther" series. He is undoubtedly one of the most comically gifted actors that I have ever seen. Steve Martin has done a tremendous job too in the recent remake of Pink Panther. While watching Awara Pagal Deewana yesterday and seeing Paresh Rawal drive everyone crazy by messing up their names, a thought crept up in my mind, "What if they remade Pink Panther in Bollywood". Most of the so called current "comedy" directors Priyadarshan, Bazmee and David Dhawan would massacre/defile the revered classic, but let us assume for a minute that we have a good director for this script.

Paresh Rawal would play an absent minded bumbling Gujrathi Policeman who considers himself to be a brilliant detective. He drives criminals as well as his superiors crazy by the sheer buffoonery that he is capable of and also by his innate ability to forget names. Johnny lever would be perfect as his assistant Kato who has been told to attack him at all times so as to keep the detective more vigilant. Chief Inspector Dreyfus could be played by Boman Irani who is eventually driven by Clouseau to such complete insanity that he ends up being admitted to an asylum after he tries to assassinate Clouseau himself. This could be a laugh riot if handled properly.

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2. Indy is Back

Also watched the latest version of Indiana Jones in the theatre, first day first show. It was an "out-worldly" entertainer though not as good as "Raiders" or "Last Crusade". I was all of 10 when I last saw Indy (Last Crusade) in a movie theatre in Singapore. It took me almost 19 years to see the famous Fedora and Whip back in action. I ended up humming the familiar movie tune all the way home. Welcome back Mr. Jones.

The last couple of years, the movies coming out of Hollywood have re-kindled some old memories. First they made "Transformers" (one of my all time favorite cartoons when I was a kid) into a movie. Then there were the sequels to "Die Hard" and "Indiana Jones", some of the most memorable films of the 80s. Now they have just released a movie version of "Get Smart" a hilarious old TV sitcom that had a bumbling "Agent 86" called Maxwell Smart" trying to outsmart a criminal organisation. In addition to all this, an aged Rambo and a retired Rocky were back for more action, the Joker will be playing mayhem in Gotham city and Superman has a new younger avatar.

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3. Central Park

After living in the NY city vicinity for more than 3 years, I finally managed to explore beyond the 5th avenue corner of Central Park. I had no idea that there was so much to do in Central Park. They have beautiful lawns, lakes and large green meadows filled with throngs of people in the summer playing ball, flying kites, throwing Frisbees or just plain lying on the grass tanning in the sun. And all this activity is right in the middle of the city. Sigh, when will the honorable city planners of India ever learn the importance of green space.

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Trash-an - The Terrible !!!!!

2008-04-28T01:29:00.010-04:00

Its been a while since I saw a completely trashy movie. 2008 has been good so far and the horrors of 2007 including RGV ki Aag, Saawariya and JBJ seemed to be a thing of the past. But this changed on Sunday when I sat down to watch a cam print version of Tashan, the latest from the once reputable stables of Yash Raj Films. To say Tashan is a bad film would be the understatement of the year. The movie is so horribly torturous that I would rather watch a 3 hour "Bold and Beautiful" marathon special on SOAP network or for that matter watch a documentary about mating goldfish on Discovery.

Here is what you realize after watching Tashan:

1. Bachchan Pandey (aka Akshay Kumar) is Spider-man, Jackie Chan, Rajni-kanth and John Rambo, all rolled into one. He can single-handedly defeat a whole flock of Shaolin monks (who appear out of nowhere) while precariously balancing himself on a TV antenna tower. Sending a hundred commandos after him isn't the solution either. Bachchan Pandey can jump over buildings with finesse, climb walls with his hands, dodge bullets with ease and take down all 100 of them with a single dagger. Hail the new Kanpuri super hero.

2. Bebo looks like a starving refugee from Somalia. Someone better give her some food to eat otherwise I fear that one day she will lose so much weight that she would simply disappear (not that I mind that happening). In this movie, she is at her skimpiest best, from prancing around in a bikini on a yacht to an item song in the middle of Ladakh wearing a blonde wig (duh) and a tiny red dress that was sewn from the producer's hankie. Only a punch drunk Saif and an old bull in the Ladakh Zoo were mesmerised by her gyrations. In spite of all this, Bebo has the stand out moment of the movie at the climax in which her expressions (of satisfied prolonged sheer ecstasy) at having killed Bhaiyyaji are priceless.

3. The makers of Tashan have invented a new language that is an amalgamation of Bhojpuri, Hindi and English; for example the lyrics of a song go something like this "White white face dekhe, dilva beating fast, sasura chance maare re". The makers have named it as the Tashani and the latest plans include adding Punjabi, Urdu and Gujrathi to the mixture. They assure us that this will be the national language of India within the next 5 years.

4. It is possible to find a "Jet Ski" in the villain's adda located in the middle of the desert and then ride the jet ski thru a naala (gutter) and jump over a bridge while performing a sumersault and forcing the bridge to collapse. All this from a guy who works at a call center. Spectacular.

5. The best way to hide from people searching for you is to hide in the trunk of their car. Brilliant plan. The only problem is when the guys looking for you get into an argument about the music playing on the radio and plunge the car over a cliff into a lake.

6. When you are trying to get away from 3 people who have just destroyed your adda and killed 1000 of your goons, ride a cycle rikshaw yourself and try to run over them.

7. Akki Narula is a fashion designer, extra-ordinaire. If you want your heros / heroine to look like they are a cross between a garish African tribes-man and Snoop Doggy Dog, he's the man for you. From JBJ to Tashan, he's the Manish Malhotra of trashy wear.

There are a lot of other things completely illogical and crazy about this movie. But the worst is the absense of a script. The story just goes from one place to another without making any sense at all. These days I believe that RGV and Yash Uncle are in a rat race to make the worst movie of all times. Either that or as Rajeev Masand says, they are arrogantly taking their audience for granted. Sign up 2-3 super-stars, shoot at some exotic locations, get the actress to expose, throw in some "Matrix" style action sequences and hope that the "dumb" audience laps it all up, script be damned.

Arjun "Quota" Singh

2008-04-17T10:20:00.010-04:00

After writing blogs on Comrade Pakya and Yeda Gowda, it is about time I wrote about the baap of all power hungry politicians, the much hated completely irrelevant Arjun Singh. He's an out-dated politician who has worked over-time to take India back into the stone age.

1. Origins

Arjun Singh was born into this world as a Neanderthal long before Adam took a bite of that fateful apple and way before the first stone was ever laid in the ancient cities of Harappa & Mohenjo-daro. The Akbar-nama documents the story of a senile court jester Arjun Singh, who asked the Great King Akbar to reserve seats for the backward classes in his Army. An amused Akbar chuckled and presented Arjun Singh with a bag of stones and a donkey & sent him on his way to a remote outpost in Burma.

2. Reservations

The British left us 60 years ago but their Divide and Rule policy lives on through people like Arjun Singh. When Babasaheb Ambedkar penned the constitution years ago, he decreed that reservations be abolished after 10 years. However our great politicians have refused to do so, especially Arjun Singh. He continues to be the epitome of stupidity and his asinine behavior has managed to defy all norms of conventional wisdom in his sick attempt to win power.

Welcome to the new India, where ability and merit no longer matters, the only thing that matters is your caste and if Arjun has his way, your religion too. They just don't get it that reservations on the bases of caste do not solve problems, instead the government should focus on improving the standard of basic education and to provide scholarships and special tuition to the poor & needy. (to be decided on the basis of their economic condition and not just their caste)

3. Sycophancy

Arjun Singh is notorious for his ability to lie prostrate at the feet of people from the Gandhi Family. He has been known as a Gandhi loyalist ever since he became acquainted with (read; chamcha of) Rajiv Gandhi in the 80s and has been prostrating in front of the Gandhis ever since. In fact he has perfected the art so much that the mere mention of a Gandhi, has him lying flat on the ground before you can bat your eyelid. He was recently in the news for his over-whelming sycophancy when he proclaimed Rahul Gandhi as the next PM.

4. Golum

To me, he bears an uncanny resemblance to the creature Golum, from the Lord of the Rings. Arjun Singh has always been there, eyes red with his desperation for power, always conniving, always plotting ways to topple the incumbent, unwavering in his desire and lust for the ultimate prize of uncontrollable power, the post of the Prime Minister of India. Leaders will come and go but he will always be there, the "loyal" HR Minister, biding his time, waiting for the eventual fall. His frustrations at being overlooked for the post of PM over the years have only added to his senility and dementia.

That brings to an end, my tirade against Arjun Singh, the root of much evil in our country. The best I can hope for, is that this man is completely retired from public life and is banished in exile to a hot volcanic island specially 'reserved' for him in the middle of nowhere.

Bon Voyage Arjun!!! You will not be missed.

Holi Hai !!!!

2008-04-08T11:40:00.006-04:00

My holi weekend was one the most fun weekends ever. My friend Kuku AK and his wife BK had driven down to Mineola for the weekend. It all started off with a fright night on Friday as we sat down to watch the horror flick "The Ring". It wasn't as scary as I expected it to be, but that was probably because, 1) I had watched Scary Movie-3 earlier and 2) Kuku AK kept cracking silly comments during the course of the movie.

Saturday evening was holi-time, and we had a ball (read loaded balloons) behind our apartment; at the end of which, we were cold, wet and covered in various shades of red and pink (we looked liked we had come out of a shivering Halloween Zombie parade). I am sure our neighbours must have been tempted to call the emergency Psychiatric ward at the nearby Winthrop Hospital.

Little did I know the funnest part of the day was yet to begin. We went off to watch the late night screening of "Race" which is a paisa vasool movie as long as you keep your brains aside and worth the price in black if you are a fan of Katrina. Later that night, after the movie, what started off as Peacock kumar's short funny immitation of Salman Khan jiving to "Dil Deewana Bin Sajani Ke" in MPK turned into a full fledged crazy funny dance night.

Here are some of the lessons of the night. Most of them have been compiled by Peacock Kumar as well as my wife MSH.

1. Kuku AK was the only guy who danced his heart out, and is without a shred of doubt the best dancer among us all. (Of course, he cannot be compared to Mr. Shoulders who is in a league of his own)

2. It is possible to dance wearing a dhoti, PINK dhoti to be precise. (Ask the kid in the group. Again .... Mr. Shoulders can dance in any outfit)

3. In the song "Rangeela Re", "KU KU" is a part of lyrics, as in "Jeene mai, fir to kyaa baat hai KU-KU".

4. It is important to SING (read scream, shout) while dancing and more important that you make up your own lyrics as you sing. The whackier the lyrics, the more the fun. Also there is a Marathi song of a chicken running away on one leg (what will they come up with next ?)

5. It is possible to swing your arms wildly and turn your waist 180 degrees ... all this while sitting cross legged on an infinitely small and completely unstable stool. (and we are NOT talking about Jason Bourne)

6. Peacock kumar is undoubtedly the Salman Khan and/or Jackie Shroff of Long Island. His valiant attempts at being Fardeen Khan will always be remembered and is the only dance routine of the night, not captured on video.

7. Jason Bourne jinxed the camera so that he couldn't be captured dancing to bollywood tunes.

8. Mr. Kuku AK danced practically with everyone and every prop that he could lay his eyes on including Peacock Kumar's stuffed Cat as well as a football. (This is an open challenge for Mr. Shoulders)

9. Teen deviyaan .. the dancing kittens is the name of a new movie releasing this summer. Mr. Chow has already bagged the downloading and screening rights.

10. Teddy Bear Catching (to be played with a stuffed Cat) is a new dance form that can we done while dancing around in circles. This will soon be introduced as a new dance form on "Boogie Woogie" and "Dancing with the Stars".

11. The best dancer of the night judged exclusively by the Kuku-AK will get hit by a football for no apparent rhyme or reason.

12. 6 people dancing at the same time is enough to cause a minor earthquake. (To be precise 6 on the Richter scale)

Thankfully for me, this was successfully recorded on the video cam and everytime I watch it, I burst out laughing. This blog is especially dedicated to Kuku AK, the guy who can make even footballs and stuffed cats seem hilarious and to Peacock Kumar's neighbours for tolerating us.

Of Cricket Capitulation !!!

2008-04-08T11:32:00.006-04:00

Team India bamboozled by SA.

After their adrenalin high trip to Oz Land, the Indian team was brought down crashing to earth by the South Africans. Fear stricken at facing the 4 pronged South African pace attack, the Indian team capitulated in utter humiliation. Run for your lives !!! What was more shocking was that the match wasn't being played on a vicious bouncy fast pitch in SA but on a typical sub-continental batting strip in local Ahmedabad. It was hardly a month ago that the Indian team was thumping its chest and proudly proclaiming that it was the 2nd best team in the world.

Just as Australia bring out the best out of the Indian team, the rest of the world brings out its sheer mediocrity!! Even on the batting paradise in Chennai, if we take away the ferocious super innings from Sehwag and the gritty one from Dravid, the rest of the middle order collapsed like a pack of cards. However some of this blame should also go to the BCCI. Their packed money minded schedule has ensured that India has been playing non-stop since the mid of last year. No wonder half our bowling along with the maestro is injured while the motivation seems missing from the rest.

However after this shocking performance, the news is that BCCI have come up with a new list of demands for the ICC to follow.

1. BCCI has announced that it will ban any pitch that offers even the slightest of movement or bounce. All pitches henceforth will be flat belters like the one at Chennai.

2. All the innings in a test match will be restricted to 20 overs each. That way teams will have an level field to compete and teams with better bowling attacks do not get advantage over others.

3. Bowlers will not be allowed to bowl faster than 120 kmph (Pathan's speed). That way the batsman will get enough time to make up their mind and slog. Dale Steyn, Brett Lee, Shoaib and the likes will have to compulsorily slow down or face a life-ban. Venkatesh Prasad will offer coaching classes on how to bowl really really slow and get the batsmen out from sheer boredom.

4. Bouncers are a strict no-no but if the bowler does wish to bowl one, it should be at a speed of less than 80 kmph (Bhajji's pace), so that the batsman get the time to duck and react.

5. The rules are slightly relaxed for the Indian bowlers except for Ishant Sharma. They will be allowed to use their bag of tricks on the opposition. Whatever lateral movement, bounce, speed, swing that they are able to generate will be allowed so that the opposition batsman do not find it too easy to score.

Hopefully we at least last till the 4th innings in the 3 rd Test Match. Over and Out.

Victory Down Under - The Aftermath

2008-01-16T11:12:00.012-05:00

Its been a while since I wrote a blog.

Pakya bhai has continued being relentless in his stubborn opposition to sanity and dear Gowda has gone into a shell contemplating new ways to make a fool out of himself while the rest of humanity get on with their lives.

The last couple of months have been good for Indian cricket, we beat the Aussies at their stronghold in Perth and blew them away in the CB series finals.

India - Wizards of Oz

1. The Maestro is back. Exactly 10 years ago, he single handedly derailed the Aussies at Sharjah with spectacular 100s; this time around he did enough to take the cup away from them.

2. After the loss in the finals of the CB series, some of the Aussies have started looking at alternative professions. Symmo has signed up with the Brisbane Bongos as a professional rugby player. He did well as a player but got into a bit of trouble when he tackled the opposition mascot who he thought was making monkey gestures at him.

3. Symmo's bum chum Matt Hayden has moved on to boxing and regularly schedules fights with high school kids. Last we heard, he met his match when he was felled down by a wiry 19 year old.

4. Ponting claims to have nightmares of the Indian bowlers and has started taking stress related medication and sleeping pills. The news is that even his 2 year old son got him out within 3 balls.

5. As for the rest, Shaun Tait has suddenly developed a pace phobia and is taking up under arm spin bowling while Mitchel Johnson does not want to see Tendulkar's bat ever again. Brad Hogg is happily retired from the game (this defi should make Ganguly happy).

6. Brett Lee (who's one of the really few Aussies everyone actually respects as a person) has moved onto Bollywood and will feature in a romantic movie with a yet unnamed pretty young Bollywood actress.

7. Australia has announced new rules for public behaviour. Any reference or behaviour that remotely resembles anything simian will not be tolerated. Providing proof of such actions is not necessary and the victim's statement will be the final word on that matter. Scratching one's underarm or for that matter any part of one's body is outlawed and any person found doing so will be shoulder barged naked by Symmo or be forced to face a rampaging Haydos in the boxing ring.

8. "Obnoxious weed" will from now on be a term of endearment and affection.

9. Bhajji has started a crash course on how to get under the skin of your opponent and yet emerge victorious. Guest lectures will be taken by a visiting Orangutan from the Singapore Zoo.

10. The Indian team will soon flood your airwaves and market everything that can possibly be marketed from Washing Powder Nirma to Cadbury Eclairs to Vicco Vajradanti Ayurvedic cream.

11. As far as the IPL is concerned, it has set a new precedent and inspired people all around the world. Real people being sold at an auction was something that hadn't been seen in more than a century. The latest news is that Hasbro brothers are coming out with a new special IPL collector's edition of Monopoly. The trading will be done with real people and real money. Ex; In the new edition, the equivalent to Park Avenue will be Mahendra Singh Dhoni.

Anyways, that's it for now. I hope to be a little more regular with my blogging from now on.

We were Robbed @ Sydney !!!!

2008-01-07T15:03:00.001-05:00

The clowns "Benson and Buck-more" with the help of unsporting Captain "Integrity" and his henchmen robbed India of a surefire victory yesterday.

There was a time with Mark Taylor/Steve Waugh at the helm that I actually respected and enjoyed watching the Aussies play. But after the Sydney Test, I realized that all the Aussies care about, is winning, sportsmanship and fair-play be damned. Ponting is the leader of this pack and sets a very bad example to the rest of the team. Clarke is heir to the Captaincy and from his behavior in this particular match, things can only get worse; passing the baton from a schoolboy bully to a spoilt kindergarten brat.

Here's a rundown on some of the latest news updates on the aftermath of this test-match.

1. ICC announces a new set of rules.

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a.) Captain Ponting being a man of absolute integrity, he would be appointed as the 4th Umpire henceforth, for all matches featuring Australia. Any decision regarding any controversial catches or run-outs will now be referred to him and he will be the final word on the issue. Any tantrums on or off the field by him or sledging or shoving the BCCI chief off the stage is permissible. No action will be taken against a character of such unquestionable moral integrity.

b.) Each Aussie player will be allowed an average of 3 lives for each match.

c.) Opponents are out if the ball touches their pad or elbow or shoulder or thin air on its way to the fielder. (One टप is out. If it bounces twice in front of the fielder, the honorable 4th Umpire will make the final call, which in all probability will be Out)

d.) This is regards to an old decision against Sachin, shoulder before wicket during the 99 tour. If the ball were to hit the opponent anywhere on his body irrespective of the line of the ball or its height, and if this "edge" does not carry to any fielder (*** if it carries, the batsman is out by rule (c) ***), the umpire will declare the batsman out, BBW (Body Before Wicket).

e.) Beating Australia in Australia or anywhere else is outlawed and against the spirit of the game.

f.) Aussie players will stay at the crease even if bowled unless the Umpire declares them out. In such a case the decision of the 2 umpires after a lengthy discourse in the middle will suffice.

g.) Any opponent that repeatedly gets the Aussie Captain out will be declared racist and will be kicked out of the game for a duration decided by the honorable 4th Umpire, a man of irrefutable integrity.

h.) Donkey, monkey, koala, porcupine, hippo, pig and all other such demeaning and deeply offending terms are from now on, banned on the cricket field. Aussies are permitted to use their abusive gutter language (insulting mothers, sisters and wives) on the field since that's the only way they know how to play cricket. Retaliation to their use of gutter language is not permissible and will be a punishable offense. The punishment will be as decided by the honorable 4th umpire.

i.) Questioning the integrity of the 4th Umpire or any of his henchmen is completely out of the question and will not be tolerated. They have the right to take the moral high ground and act saintly after the match is over.

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The latest news is that primates all over the world joined forces and filed a lawsuit for an undisclosed amount against Harbhajan Singh citing irreparable harm to their carefully cultivated public image and suffering mental trauma for having equated them to a rowdy Aussie cricketer. They claim that they never resort to such foul language, they always walk when they nick it and they absolutely do not have such dreadful hair locks.

There is also news that Hanuman himself is deeply offended with the fact that Bhajji should compare any of his ilk to the sledging Aussie.

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3.

Sanjay Leela Bhansali is coming out with a sequel to his 2005 hit movie, "Black". It portrays the fascinating and eventful journey of a partially deaf and blind West Indian named Buck-more, highlighting his inspiring rise from an unemployed youth to a lucrative career as a senior ICC Umpire. In this movie Buck-more also plays the dual role of AB, a senile once respected village teacher who has now lost complete control over his mental abilities.

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4. There is a new show coming out on television in Australia, on channel 9. It will be called the Benson and Edges show. It is based on "the Simple Life" and follows the travails of ICC umpires Benson and Buckmore as they stand in matches all over the world and make a mockery of cricket by giving outrageous decisions. This show is sure to bring out guffaws among its viewers.

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In all seriousness, the fact remains that this match has brought disrepute to the beautiful game. There is no shame in losing a well fought match to a deserving opponent if played fair and square but not when the other team starts claiming bounced catches and receiving the help of some very biased umpiring decisions. If the Aussies wanted victory at all costs, they have achieved it, but it will always remain a victory blemished by their unsporting behavior. As Kumble said, only one team played in the spirit of the game. Let's hope the matters at hand get sorted out and the last 2 tests are played fairly and sportingly.

2007 Special - An Year to Remember

2007-12-30T15:22:00.002-05:00

2007 is almost over and we'll be celebrating the start of a new year tonight. 07 has been a very eventful year. Politicians all over did what politicians always do, Benazir Bhutto was assassinated, India won a World Cup, runaway bride Ash finally settled on Abhi for marriage, India got itself its first woman President, Modi won yet another election, Britney and Lindsay lost it completely and then lost it again, Gore won an Oscar as well as a Nobel and a crazy gunman shot up VTech on a murderous spree. On a personal front, 2007 is an year that I'll never forget; I got hitched, moved to a different apartment and bought my first car.

Here is a rundown on the best of the best for this year and some special awards for the people / events that have made a difference to this year and to this blog. ;)

1. Celebrity Marriage Event of the Year -

Talking of marriages, this was an year of marriages. A few of my really good friends and a bunch of my close cousins got married this year. Here's a toast to a successful married life for them.

Going back to our special award, the celebrity marriage event of the year award boils down to 2 marriages quite similar to each other. On one hand we had a celebrity marriage that united the "so-called" most beautiful woman in the world ("I strongly beg to differ") with the scion of a megastar Bollywood icon, and on the other hand we had a my friend AK's marriage that had it all, filmy music, Yash-raj style Punjabi dancing and Manish Malhotra designer wear. The winner was an easy pick, AK, take a bow. Aish and Abhi are no match for your enthusiasm fuelled, full on Josh choreographed dance routines nor your stylish films inspired designer wear.

2. Rail Gaadi of the Year

No, we are not talking about the LIRR or the NY subway or the Mumbai local trains. We are referring here to the politically driven ego self centered trains that ran around the country all year round making noise and blowing a lot of unwanted empty steam. I am sure you all remember the quote on empty vessels.

The winner of this special and unique award is the Karat Kolkatta Chug Chug Express. This train came with a special "Made in China" tag and ran all over Bengal and Delhi making an immense racket on US imperialism, Hindu Communal-ism and Chinese supremacy, never once threatening to run out of empty steam. Close runners up featured 1. the antique "Coal" powered Karunanidhi Chennai Slow Mail that barely walked in TN while blowing its immensely loud horn once in a while; and 2. the humble Yeda Ghoda Benguluuroo Maal Gaadi that ran only in Bangalore and changed tracks so often that it derailed itself and took along the entire state with it.

3. Made for Each Other Award

This was a tough one to choose. Madam Gandhi/Moneymohan Singh and Hillary/Obama ran them close but the winners by a small margin were Bhutto and Mushy. This story had everything, covert "get to know each other" meetings with Bush uncle playing cupid, a secret pact to share power, a well publicized return to her country from exile and a betrayal when Mushy declared emergency. Unfortunately this alliance ended in tragedy when Bhutto was brutally shot (or was it shrapnel from the bomb or did she hit her head on the sunroof while trying to duck ... it will always remain a mystery as is everything else in Pakistani politics).

4. Reality Show of the Year

There were only 2 nominees for this particular award. The show organized by the UPA government to select the President for India and the one held by the BCCI to find a coach for the Indian team. The award will be shared between the 2 and the money will be divided equally between the already rich respective sponsors, UPA and BCCI.

a) Coach Kaun Banega

In this show, based on the American Idol; contestants had to undergo rigorous qualifying rounds in front of a panel of judges that included Lalit Modi, Gavaskar & Sharad Pawar. The 3 stooges, oops judges, were the sole arbitrators of the contest. The winner bagged the job of Indian coach. Perks included being ridiculed, humiliated and blamed for all of BCCI follies. Ultimately, an ex SA player with absolutely no prior coaching experience, was declared the winner.

Jo Jeeta Wohi Bandar baaki sab Sikandar.

b) President Kaun Banega

This was a reality show to choose the next President of India, roughly based on the Apprentice. There was but a single judge, Sonia Gandhi. Whoever managed to impress her the most got the job. Some of the tasks included washing Madam's feet, learning Italian and agreeing with every sentence that Madam spoke.

The winner of this contest was a previously unknown politician who claimed to have conversed with spirits. Such a huge departure from a scientist ex-President.

5. Movie Event of the Year Award

This year a number of classics came out. I ended up watching quite a few of them, a couple of those starred the Khan of Ham and Cheese (surprisingly they were both quite entertaining). I am hoping I don't end up doing that ever again.

The nominees for the Movie Event of the Year award are the blue-tinted, completely pointless "Saawariya" (a very very close runner up to the eventual winner), the cheap and hilariously unfunny "Heyy Baby", the singing bearded-topi starrer "Aap Ka Saroor" and the over the top "Jhoom Barabar Jhoom".

But the winner in the category by far is the most fascinating movie ever made, the totally unnecessary, narcissistically titled, Sholay remake, "RGV ki Aag". Innovative camera angles that hovered from nowhere, Bachchan in an avatar never seen before and hopefully never again, a heroine who believes acting is exposing and shooting locales that couldn't brighten up your day even if you were all alone in Siberia in the midst of winter. This movie is a must see just so that it can be treated as a perfect example of "how not to make a movie".

Thats my recap of a crazy yet fun filled 2007. Hopefully 2008 will have a lot of good things to write about. Wishing you all, a very Happy and Joyous 2008 !!!!!

Yeda Ghoda - Bumbling Son of a Farmer !!!!!

2007-11-20T02:07:00.000-05:00

Well politicians just don't improve do they.

Talking of politicians, just a week after my post, Pakya bhai made an emotional outburst against American imperialism and Chinese idealism. On the brighter side, the news is that there's been some progress on the nuclear deal. The communists have given a green flicker to the deal, perhaps to let the Congress take the heat off their atrocities at Nandigram.

Another politician who has taken over the role of staying in the news for the wrong reasons in the past few months is the power hungry, Kursi obsessed, greedy to the hilt, nepotism personified, back stabbing, ex-Indian PM Mr. Yeda Gowda.

His chief claim to fame has been his brief stint as the compromise candidate for the post of Prime Minister, a period in history that would always remain a major embarrassment to the rest of his countrymen. He was often found napping at important Parliamentary sessions or meetings and had a farmer's foot-in-mouth disease a lot worse than the one troubling Prez Bush.

Since his fall from grace, Yeda Gowda has been busy dabbling in state politics and has managed to mismanage the state of Karnataka with the help of his family. Relegating him to his regional fiefdom has been India's gain, Karnataka's loss. Yeda claims to be the humble son of a farmer but there has been nothing humble about his life as a politician. "Kursi grabbing" and "Backstabbing" are an art form that comes naturally to the jobless ex-PM. I guess politicians just cannot retire. As an ex-PM, he has already achieved the pinnacle of his profession, what more does he want? He should retire peacefully to a farmhouse in his village in Karnataka.

Anyways to the uninitiated, here's a recap of the events, Yeda Gowda got the least amount of votes in the last state election, & decided to align with Congress to form the government. 2 years later he pulled the rug from under their feet and made a devil's pact with the BJP. The understanding was that his son (Kum Kum Swamy - nepotism and family reign supreme) would be the CM for a 1.5 yrs followed by BJP rule for the rest of the term. But when the time came to transfer power to the BJP, Yeda changed his mind, glued his son to the CM's Kursi and imposed a million pre-conditions. Later, when BJP came to power, in a bizarre flip flop, within 7 days he audaciously withdrew his support. Now that elections are inevitable, this greedy bumbling wily son of a farmer is in Delhi begging the Congress to help him form a government.

I am sure he believes in the adage, if there is a back to be stabbed; stab it, twist the knife, sit back and enjoy the show. He reminds me of one of those scheming villains from a bygone era in Bollywood, somewhat like the characters played by Jeevan or Prem Chopra.

I suggest we all contribute a paisa each and send the greedy PM and his power crazy sons to an ice berg in frigid Antartica. They can rule the land for as long as it exists. Of course with the level of global warming currently, hopefully that wont be too long. :p

Yenna Rascalas , Mind It !!!!

Of Ghosts, Ghouls and Shantipriya

2007-11-14T16:41:00.002-05:00

1. Halloween Day Parade

We had been to the Halloween Day Parade in East Village, Manhattan a fortnight ago. East village had a carnival atmosphere, vibrant and colorful and filled with people wearing the most atrocious of costumes. This is one of the biggest parades of its kind in the world. The spooky procession had it all from ghouls, ghosts, zombies and other grotesque characters of the underworld to the who's who of crazy movie characters from Hollywood and other pop cultures. However the funniest costume in the parade was the one dressed up as Prez Bush playing with a giant globe, 'accidentally' dropping it once in a while. Unfortunately my camera battery was running low and so couldn't take any snaps but will definitely click some next year.

Talking of ghosts, we ended up watching Bhool Bhulaiyya at home couple of weekends ago. It's definitely a one time watch as a supernatural thriller with a sprinkling of silly comedy.

2. Om Shanti Om

Its rare that I end up watching 2 SRK movies in a theatre within an year (Actually its rare that I watch any SRK movie, period) and the most shocking part is that I actually ended up liking both. It was with great reluctance that I even agreed to go for the movie. There was nothing new with the story as such since it was a typical re-birth saga like Karz, only the setting was different and while SRK has hammed away to glory, the hamming bonanza is actually in character, both as an 'over the top' filmy junior artist in the 70s as well the spoilt rich superstar in the present. In spite of all this I still ended up walking out of the theatre with a big smile on my face. The 5 reasons I would recommend this movie.

1. The Filmfare awards are a laugh riot esp for Akshay and Abhishek.
2. The premier of "Dreamy Girls" and the fun poked at Manoj Kumar and Sooraj Barjatya is absolutely hilarious.
3. The South India movie shooting. Yenda Rascal, Mind It !!!!!
4. Deepika is simply stunning.
5. Deepika is simply stunning.

What is wrong with me? I have been recommending Hindi movies in my last couple of posts, from Johnny Gaddar to SRK's OSO. Sheeesh, have I lowered my standards so much that I have actually started liking new Hindi movies these days or was I just fortunate enough to see 2-3 good movies in a row. Anyways if you see my praising one more Hindi movie on my blogs in the next one month, I will force myself to watch RGV ki Aag and Jhoom Barabar back to back all alone. Sigh.

Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost.

Pakya Bhai

2007-11-01T16:45:00.001-04:00

After talking about the octogenarian southern satrap, Karunanidhi, the politician in the news these days is Comrade Prakash "Made In China" Karat. Lets just call him Pakya for simplicity. For the uninitiated, he's the G.S. or the supremo of the CPI (M) the most influential position in their Politburo, and at 57 (:p) supposedly represents the gen next in the party.

Now why are we discussing this noble politician. Well Pakya has recently been in the news for his stringent and vehement opposition to the nuclear deal between India and US. A deal that would provide India with nuclear fuel and technology that it requires for its growing energy needs without having to sign the Non-profileration treaty. This is something that US has offered exclusively to India and would have been a landmark deal to bring the 2 powerful countries together.

Now Pakya is completely opposed to this deal. Unlike most politicians, he has never managed to win an election in India, neither for Parliament nor for the State Assembly. He hasn't even been nominated to the Rajya Sabha. So our Pakya basically represents 0% of the population in parliament / state assembly. Truly, a Man of the people. It is but natural that he take decisions that decide the fate of the nation.

Pakya's speeches have always been peppered with phrases such as "communalism", "colonialism" and "imperialism". In fact he has a god given ability to use the above terms in any given sentence or situation. He's also an expert proponent of the China-man in cricket. One of the few who has actually learned it from the Chinese themselves.

So the question arises as to why such a distinguished worldly wise gentleman along with his esteemed colleagues like Bardhan (the name reminds me of the villain in Amitabh's Don) and Sitaram Yechury, are opposed to something that is so useful to India.

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This is what Pakya said yesterday at a CPI-M program according to CNN-IBN

1. ''India is a prize for the US and not Pakistan because of its market. Developed India can be useful for counterbalancing China. This is a game the US is trying to play which has to be foiled'', Karat said at a CPI-M programme in Kolkata."

2. “We shall not rest in our fight till the strategic ties with the US is snapped out,” PTI quoted Karat as saying. “USA has also changed its tactics of making Pakistan its strategic ally as it has now realised that if it can get India as a strategic ally, the balance will be tilted in favour of imperialism and neo-colonialism.”

which basically means, Pakya-bhai prefers the hot and spicy Szhewuan Hakka Noodles to the staid American Burger.

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I suggest all of us Indians help this poor soul fulfill his craving for Hakka Noodles and provide him and his colleagues with enough money so that they can each buy a one way, no return ticket to the remotest corner of China.

Shop till he Drops

2007-10-29T16:00:00.002-04:00

I was chatting with my bud from college today and we got talking about how his life has changed since he got engaged some time back. I am desisting from mentioning his name in this public forum for if his "fiance" comes across this blog, there would arise the need to say a silent prayer for both him and me. Evenings and weekends had drastically changed for him ever since his engagement. Earlier he would be watching cricket on his LCD TV or having "Life ka baat" sessions out with his friends at Bandstand, now he invariably ends up going out on shopping trips to the mall with his fiance. Life has taken an about turn for him.

Luckily for me, though M is an avid window shopper, shes actually quite restrained when the time comes to actually swipe my card for the stuff that she likes. So the blog is for all the girls out there in the world that absolutely love to stop and shop till their hubbies drop.

For most guys shopping is a chore that they try to avoid as far as they can. They only grudgingly venture out into the mall if a friend tells them about a cool deal on an Express sports jacket, or when Apple comes out with a new IPhone that washes, irons and folds your laundry for you or if they need to replace their old shoes that have completely disintegrated with time. It is the complete opposite for girls. Shopping for them is a hobby, an obsession, an art form that was ingrained into their DNA during conception. If only a baby girl could communicate, she would probably tell her mom to take her to a Baby's fashion store so that she could check out the new diaper summer collection.

For most guys trips to the mall would get over in around 15 minutes; 5 minutes to find something he likes, 5 minutes to actually try it on and 5 more guilt ridden minutes to get in line and pay for it. But shopping with a girl is more like a day long outting, guys go there in the morning fresh and eager, hoping that it ends before lunch but by the time they are done they are completely exhausted, their legs hurt, their wallet is completely empty, they are struggling with heavy loaded bags that have been completely packed to the brim and when they walk out of the mall they realise that the sun has long since disappeared. The girl on the other hand still looks completely fresh and has an expression of absolute content on her face. For her its like they have just come out of a one day trip to Disney Land. The only thing going on in her mind, "Darn, I still haven't found that red party dress that the girl on the train was wearing last week, the main reason that we came shopping for. We'll go to a different mall tomorrow."

Yet another day shopping day has ended.

PS. I just realised this is my first blog ever not related to either cricket or politics or movies.

Jungle Mein Mor Naache .... k.k.k.k.k.k.kisne Dekha

2007-10-23T17:17:00.001-04:00

1. Jungle Mein Mor Naacha - Kisne Dekha

Kisine dekha hai kya, Jungle Mein Mor Naacha. Agar nahi dekha toh jarooor dekhna. This is choreography and Bollywood at its hilarious best. An Absolute classic. Whoever thought of this video and the entire concept deserves a special award for promoting the national bird. This is Bollywood's F-worded (feathered) answer to Cats the Musical, Mor the Musical.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bwaHNC15u8M

Its kind of surprising to see Waheeda Rehman prouncing about making wierd faces, with a silver Mor as her headgear with a super long feathered tail and getting kind of cuddly with the other mor. Probably a video she wouldnt want to show her kids and grand kids. Later I found out its from a movie called Shatranj with Rajendra 'Jubilee' Kumar, the epitome of non acting. The only words that come to mind after watching the video is,

"Yeh Dil Maange No Mor".

2. Main Big B banana chahta hoon

Well I havent taken up SRK's case in a while. But if some reports are to be believed, the Bad-Shah of Ham and Cheese has just crossed the limit of his obsession with trying out Big B's humongous shoes. After bumbling with AB's Don, SRK intends to remake the cult classic 'Deewar', which I think is AB's best acted out role till date.

Now its time to call him Shah "Ab Ruk Jaa" Khan. I have no problems with him trying out films with original storylines, but remaking all of a living legend's films just to prove to the world that you are better than him is toooo much. Stick to being chocolate boy Rahul or a Kabir Khan but thy can never be an angry young Vijay.

Talking of remakes, news is that Bollywood is remaking (read massacring) 'Karz' with Himesh Reshamiya as Rishi, 'Padosan' with Govinda as Mehmood and Sanjay Dutt as Kishore and 'Amar Akbar Anthony' by David Dhawan with Sallu and his 2 brothers.

AB: Tumhare Paas Kya Hai?????
SRK: Mere pppppaaas (huge pause) Rrrrremake Hai !!!!

Well you know what could possibly be worse than the 2 points above? If some enterprising director tried to cross points 1 and 2 and remake Shatranj with SRK.

Jungle Mein Naache Mor ... k.k.k.k.k.kisne Dekha.

God save us!!!!!

Johnny Gaddar !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-10-16T15:52:00.001-04:00

1. Johnny Mera Naam

Its been a while since I saw an original Hindi movie which was neither a uninspiring copy of an old Hindi/English/Tamil/Korean movie nor a butchered remake of a classic. It was just a very smartly made movie which didn't shy from revealing all the inspirations behind it. Johnny Gaddar is a must see.

Don't get me wrong, the script is not perfect, it does have its flaws, bullets fired in a crowded Mumbai society are not heard by neighbours nor does the fight sequence in the train wake up the other travellers.

But then the rest of the script is completely unpredictable and totally captivating. I wasn't able to guess any of the sudden 'kahani mein twists' in the movie ... not a single one and there are many of those ... this is such a rarity in Hindi cinema. The best part is that the director/writer cleverly shows us all of his creative influences interspersed thru the movie, Johnny hatching his plot while watching Amitabh's 'Parwana', the hotel receptionist watching Dev Anand in 'Johnny Mera Naam' and the James Hadley Chase novel that Johnny is reading on the train. Very smart. (Ajit style)

Let me end it here before I get carried away with my praise for the movie. Its just that its been a while since I saw a completely original and intelligent movie, the first since 'Lage Raho Munnabhai' that came out last year.

2. Themes in Movies

Each decade usually has a recurring theme in the movies. The 50's and 60's usually dealt with the evils of society, the 70s were the decade of a particular angry young man and stories about long lost brothers, the 80s continued the revenge trend while the 90s were the decade of the candyfloss SRK romance. Here are 2 of the most concurrent themes of the current decade:

1. The Adultery: SRK justified it in 'KANK', Neil was fired by it in 'Johnny Gaddar', Tushar Kapoor and Shreyas were each at it in 'Aggar', Emraan Hashmi has mastered it as an art form in all his movies, Amitabh was seduced enough in 'Nishabd', Salman was the guru in 'No Entry' and 'Biwi No.1', Anil Kapoor got rocking in 'Musafir' & 'Salaam-E-Ishq' and was drawn to it in 'No Entry', the entire male cast of 'Masti' wanted to but couldn't, Zahid Khan in 'Shabd', Vivek was suspected of it in 'Omkara' so was Salman in 'Hum Tumhare Hai Sanam'. The entire Kay Kay-Kangana-Sharman Joshi sequence was all about it in 'Life in a Metro'.

In fact I have seen so many movies with this theme that this decade seems to be the decade of the extra marital affair. But then producers only have to look within Bollywood for loads of inspiration on the subject. From Saif to Aamir to Boney to Dharampapa to (reportedly) Aditya Chopra.

2. The Super Casanova: This is the kind that sleep around so much so that even James Bond would need to take sanyaas in the Himalayas. From Akki versus Jon in 'Garam Masala', Sallu in 'No Entry', Akki, Ritesh and the other guy in 'Heyy Baby', Amitabh "puff diddy" Bachchan in 'KANK'; they are the kind that make women of all nationalities go weak in their knees. These 'super cool dude' are like an unstoppable force, and only a baby or a sati savitri heroine can act as their kryptonite.

Anyways thats it for this post. I have nothing else to say this week. Phew. In short, go watch Johnny Gaddar while its still in the theatres. And lets hope Bollywood producers get a load of reality soon and come up with some different themes. :)

Apan ka World This Week

2007-10-09T14:46:00.001-04:00

Much has been going on in the news these days. So I thought I would be back with my usual post on the crazy things going on in my / our world.

1. The honorable ex PM, H D Deve Gowda, the humble son of a Karnataka farmer has by sheer greed for power incredibly orchestrated the fall of his own state government headed his own son. Thats what happens when you have a sleepy old ex PM with time on his hands and nothing constructive to do. Maybe we should just sentence him to community service for the rest of his life.

2. What ails the CPI(M). Their staunch opposition to the nuclear deal with the US is in all probability taking us into yet another national election. A bunch of intellectually confused Bengalis, Keralites and a single nonagenarian Sardar decide the fate of a nation of 28 states and 7 Union territories. But then this really does not bother people like Prakash Karat and Sitaram Yechury much, they know which country their funding comes from.

I am sure the CPI(M) firmly believes in this particular saying ever since their inception, "If it is there to be opposed, Oppose it."

3. Had been to my Karma-bhoomi in the US, Binghamton, over the weekend; my first long drive in our new car. I had a great time, the climate was great, the University has changed a bit for the better, Late Nite is as good, Newing still rocks, Ithaca was wonderful, Cayuga Lake was as serene, Downtown Binghy was completely happening and the best part was the company that I had was awesome. Hopefully we get to do something like this again next fall.

4. Saw "Dhol" a couple of weekends ago. It turned out to be a pretty decent movie. Typical Priyadarshan but was way way less over the top as compared to Heyy Baby and Dhamaal. More sedate if you please. Not that it was a classic or anything, it was just a little less painful as compared to some of the other movies we have watched in the past few months. I have heard some great reviews about Manorama and Johnny Gaddar and plan to watch them over the coming weeks.

5. India got a bruising welcome to the real cricket world after their success at the Twenty20 WC. Aussies, with their egos hurt, took their time inflicting destruction on India in the first 3 One dayers. But an awesome performance at Chandigarh has seen us bounce back into reckoning in the seven match series. Lets hope the team carries on all the good work in the remaining matches. Hail team India.

Thats it for now. I'll be back soon. Adios Muchacho.

JAANE BHI DO YAARO - Mahabharat

2007-10-04T17:02:00.001-04:00

Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron

2007-10-04T16:13:00.001-04:00

If only the directors today could make comedies even 10% as good as Jaane Bhi Do Yaaron, we would be laughing our guts out. Priyadarshan, David Dhawan and Inder Kumar, are you listening?

This is a cult classic and I must have seen this like a million times. I even know most of the dialogues by heart. Here is the poster of arguably the funniest Hindi film ever.

Tale of A Southern Satrap

2007-10-03T11:53:00.001-04:00

News for the past week has revolved around 2 southern state regional satraps, the octogenarian M K Karunanidhi and Deve Gowda, the humble son of a farmer. Lets focus on MK in this post.

1. What is wrong with the people of Tamil Nadu. They seem to be going around in periodic cycles. 5 years of MK are invariably followed by 5 years of Amma and then we are back with MK. This has been going on for ages, at least for the past 25 years. I don't remember the last time the state had a different chief minister. And this is definitely not because the duo are excellent administrators, in fact the opposite holds true, their governments have invariably been associated with corruption, nepotism and inefficiency. One is a sun glass wearing rabble rousing octogenarian while the other is a bullet proof wearing amma whose house raid once revealed assets that would make Tina Ambani envious.

2. This has been going on so long that the election committee can save us a lot of tax payers money and not hold any future elections in TN. One of the 2 (decided by a televised toss presided over by Rajnikant) gets a shot at running (read destroying) the state for 5 years and then has to sit in the opposition while the other gets his turn. The number of seats that the governing party gets can be decided by the decibel power of its legislators. Lets have a shouting match.

3. Anyways getting back to the topic at hand, good old MK is currently embroiled with the Ram Setu project. This project calls for the land bridge (Adam's bridge or Ram Setu) between India and Lanka to be broken in order for ships to pass thru. The reason for undertaking such an expensive project being to get a shorter route for ships to go from Bengal to the Western coast of India. Dear old MK is so involved with this project that he questioned the existence of Ram (wonder if this famed "athiest" would have dared question the existence of Mohammad or Christ) and undertook a state wide bandh and a hunger strike for its cause. Such passion. If he had even 1% the passion to serve the people of TN, it would have worked wonders for the state.

Heres a nuetral mariners non religious view of the project.

Anyways the drama keeps on unfolding and thats that for this blog.

After all Politicians will always be politicians. :)

My World This Month

2007-09-28T14:30:00.003-04:00

Its been a while since I have written about things going on in my world. I have been distracted for a while with the crazy downloaded Hindi movies and the awesome twenty20 cricket played in the World Cup. Still cannot believe we are the world champions. The last time this happened was when i was 4 years old and too young to understand the euphoria. Hopefully soon we shall win the real thing, the ODI World Cup as well as the Test Series against the Aussies in Oz.

Here is my world this month.

1. Congress jump onto the Dhoni mania by referring to Rahul Gandhi as the Dhoni of Indian politics. I am not sure if Dhoni would actually be thrilled by this comparison.

Now that the Italian Madam has a puppet President and a Prime minister, and a party filled with people willing to lie prostate at her feet and obey her every command, she has now chosen her son as the successor of a party. Her mother in law has taught her well. Nepotism does reign supreme. :p

2. The communists are opposing the Nuclear Deal. Nothing new with that. All they know is how to oppose anything and everything. I wasn't too sure initially about the Nuclear deal either but once I heard the communists were opposing it, I knew it definitely had to be good for the country.

3. Mayawati's ambition is to be the Prime minister of the country some day. Kanshi Ram jee what have thy unleashed. I would rather have a slightly corrupt yet suave educated PM than someone like her. Imagine Mayawati having to address a G8 summit in Geneva, it would be somewhat similar to how Aamir Khan acted at a 5 star restaurant in Rangeela. "Idhar misal paav nahi milta ???? :o , kya ghatiya jagah hai yeh".

4. Congress Goverment claim they are firm on the reservation issue. The latest news is that they also declared that from now onwards reservations would be extended to sports as well as entertainment. As per the new notification, cricket team will have 50% quota for the lower castes. One opener, 2 middle order batsman, 1 fast bowler and 1 spinner would hence be reserved for the under privileged castes. This affirmative action shall help in elevating the status of the reserved castes. Movies and television shows will from now on have quotas for the scheduled castes and OBCs.

5. Just watched a Hrishikesh Mukherjee movie, "Kisise Na Kehna" starring Farooq Sheikh, Utpal Dutt, Deven Varma and Deepti Naval. A typical Hrishida movie, the characters are real, genuinely heart warming and funny. There is no over the top humor nor any contrived situations, no one falls over a banana skin nor does anyone scream thru out the movie at the top of their voice. I wonder if either Priyadarshan or David Dhawan decide to remake (read massacre) this movie. Imagine Salman doing a Farooq Sheikh and Katrina Kaif trying to play the gaon ki ladki Deepti Naval. Sigh.

6. Saw Close Up Antakshari on Star One today. Must have seen this after almost 7-8 years. This was a special on school children from different zones. Not a single song sung in the entire show was from before the year 2000. I guess nowadays on TV the old classics comprise the songs from 95-2000. Gosh I feel old. Is it just me or are all TV shows a lot more flashier, increasingly superficial, way way more melodramatic, way way more over the top and completely crazier than before.

7. These days weekday evenings are spent driving around parts of Long Islands and trips to different malls. I have realized the side effects of getting a car. More time on hand, so more trips to malls, so means spending more on stuff that otherwise you wouldn't have spent on. Miscellaneous Expenditure multiplication.

That is all for now.