Southeastern Michigan Sports

The "official" SEMS Hate Week Drinking Game

2012-10-20T12:32:00.000-04:00

LEGAL DISCLAIMER

THE AUTHOR IS NOT LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE TO COVER THE MEDICAL COSTS ASSOCIATED WITH IRREVOCABLE DAMAGE TO YOUR KIDNEYS, LIVER, OR REPUTATION SHOULD YOU CHOOSE TO PARTICIPATE.

So, it’s Michigan-Michigan State day. Michigan has lost 4 in a row. Michigan State has a new QB and receivers that can’t catch. You know this. You can read that anywhere. I’m here to make your game day experience more enjoyable. Or, depending on the outcome, make it so you don’t remember what happened. You’re welcome.

So I decided to create my own little drinking game to follow along with while you watch. The rules are simple. If you quit, you’re smarter than the people that don’t. If you make it through to the end and are still able to stand, I wish to erect a monument in your honor, and worship at it twice a year. I just said erect, which happens more times than you would imagine. Ok, so legalities out of the way, we’re off.

1. 1 drink every time the term “Little Brother” is used. It was stupid when Mike Hart said it, and Michigan hasn’t won since.

2. 1 drink every time said 4-year winning streak is mentioned. My liver already hurts.

3. 1 drink every time Denard Robinson’s penchant for not tying his shoes is mentioned. We get it. He’s a senior now. Everyone knows this.

4. 2 drinks every time a player is called by the wrong name. There is no Virgil Smith on Michigan’s roster

5. 2 drinks every time an MSU receiver drops a catchable pass. I’m looking at you, Bennie Fowler.

6. 2 drinks every time Denard Robinson turns the ball over. Self explanatory.

7. 3 drinks every time one of those turnovers is an interception without a Michigan WR within 8 yards.

8. 3 drinks every time an MSU defender does something that would be considered assault if it occurred outside the confines of the game.

9. 5 drinks if it is by a player other than William Gholston.

10. 5 drinks every time Fitzgerald Toussaint is tackled for a loss/no gain.

11. 5 drinks every time Mark Dantonio tries to outwit himself. This includes fake punts/fake kicks/quadruple option reverses/and goping for it on 4^th and 12 at his own 17 yard line.

12. 6 drinks when Michigan uses its second timeout with 8 minutes left in the first or third quarters.

13. 7 drinks if the camera catches Brady Hoke running more than ten yards to get the referee’s attention to do so.

14. 7 drinks if Andrew Maxwell or Denard Robinson complete 70% of their passes.

15. 10 drinks if Andrew Maxwell AND Denard Robinson complete 70% of their passes.

16. Finish your drink if we see Jack Kennedy throw a pass. It’s either celebration time or incoherence time.

So there you have it. Have fun. Don’t drink and drive. Go Blue. Beat State.

It seems like a good time to dust this thing off

2012-10-16T16:29:00.001-04:00

It's been a while, huh pals? Life got in the way of typing dick jokes, which is how communism started by the way, and I haven't had much time to update. But unfortunately for you all, I have decided to share my thoughts on all things sports, and probably other areas. Feel free to continue ignoring me. I'm married. I'm used to it.

A quick recap of the current events. Go Blue, Beat State. Go Tigers, beat Valverde. With baseball bats. Seriously, there are tons of them in the dugout. Lions seem destined to draft in the 14-18 range again. Hockey is in the middle of the Stanley Cup Finals between the Brataslava Cosmos and some Canadians. The Pistons deserve their own post in the way that Miley Cyrus deserves Vancomycin-resistant herpes. You know they're gonna get it, it's just a matter of when.

So click my ads, like me on the Facebook, and {insert dick joke here.} Also, comparing Brittney Griner to the crackhead from Friday was the number one driver of traffic to the site while I was gone. So take that 8th grade English teacher. Reading Shakespeare WAS useless.

Mitch McGary Commits to Michigan

2011-11-03T17:03:00.000-04:00

He's the one on the left.

The Wolverines received a commitment from Brewster Academy's Mitch McGary. McGary is a 6'10'', 250 pound power forward originally from Chesterton, IN (the hometown of Zack Novak) who transferred to famed Wolfboro, NH to play at Brewster.

McGary is rated as the #2 player in the country to Rivals.com, the number 2 player to Scout.com, and the #2 player to ESPN. Yeah, he's pretty good. He chose the Wolverines over Duke, North Carolina, Kentucky, Maryland, and Florida.

As for his game, he does this...

And this...

It's hard to find flaws in any highlight video, but damn.

McGary is the program changing player that Beilein needs. He has done "more with less" since his WVU days, and can now show what he can do with elite talent. He is widely considered a one and done, and top-5 NBA draft pick in 2013. UMHoops goes in depth.

He joins Glenn "Lil Dog" Robinson III, the number 34 player in the country, and Nick Stauskas who is rated as the number 79 player in the nation to give Michigan an elite 2012 class.

East Lansing would need reform school to reattain Whore status

2011-10-15T23:11:00.000-04:00

DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT SAYING MICHIGAN WOULD HAVE WON IF THE FOLLOWING PLAYS HADN'T HAPPENED. THE OFFENSE SHIT THE BED, AND THE WIND, AND BLAH BLAH BLAH. THIS IS ALSO ONLY INTENDED FOR THE PEOPLE THAT DEFEND WHAT HAPPENED

Ahem....Mark Dantonio is a monster. Not in a Kanye West "Monster" sort of way. In a "I can't believe parents send their children to be under his supervision for 3-5 years" kind of way. Hyperbole? Not anymore. He has attained a status in my mind that few have even approached.

This has nothing to do with his getting into a war of words with a college athlete. As soon as Mike Hart uttered the "Little Brother" thing, I could only shake my head. But for a coach of another school to respond, well, yeah. This also has nothing to do with him winning 4 straight against Michigan. I still respected and admired Tressel until he got caught cheating. I can respect losing games. Hell,if it gets a little chippy, that's cool too. But chippy would have to dial long distance to even speak to what happened this afternoon.

I say this with the assumption that Will Gholston will face no discipline from the coaching staff. I have to hope Jim Delaney and the Big Ten, or the NCAA step in. I mean, the dude starts guys that ate their breakfast that morning in a county jail mess hall. But for Gholston to not be benched for the remainder of that game is a whole 'notha level. May I present to you...

Meh. Things get heated, and Taylor Lewan is a known shit talker. And I find it hilarious when football players punch a guy in the helmet. But it should have been an ejection. Chris Spielman even said he would have tossed him. I think Gholston wanted to make sure his steroid enhanced turned NFL bust cousin Vernon would be proud, so he took it up a notch.

You can't tell me that he wasn't trying to injure him. He leaps on the pile, pauses, grabs his facemask, then yanks it upward. There is clear intent. How anyone can argue otherwise is fucking mind-boggling. If you think this is sportsman like, a part of the game, or otherwise excusable, then you are a moron. It makes me wonder how you function in day to day life. Can you operate simple household appliances without supervision, or does your mom have to lock up the hand mixer so you don't tangle up your ballsack in the beaters again?

I have many friends and family members who are MSU alum or fans. I respect/like/love each and every one of them. We trash talk all week leading up to the game, and even during. I have gracefully absorbed the gloating that has been thrown my way the last few years. I would expect nothing less from them. But to blindly support this guys actions is wrong. Just plain wrong.

So congratulations, Mr. Gholston. You did things that would get you fined in the NFL, but will get you your own statue in EL. 3:2 odds that Dantonio names him a captain at some point in his career.

I will no longer consider this a friendly rivalry. I will no longer root for MSU in bowl games or against Notre Dame and OSU like I used to. Nope, I want you to lose. Every week. In either an embarrassing blow-out, or gut wrenching fashion. I will never-ever wish physical harm to any one, but I won't feel sorry for you if it happens. Play time is over. You want Michigan fans to consider you as a rival? Nah. I consider you lower than Ohio State. Both on the rivalry tree and as a fanbase/program in general. And OSU fans literally shit in their coolers.

Tigers-Yankees Preview

2011-09-30T12:17:00.000-04:00

I hate….oh, covered that. This will count as my “legit” series preview. In typical SEMS style, I will do a positional breakdown. This will be easier since it’s only a 5 game series.

CATCHER

Who would have thought at the beginning of the year that the Tigers would hold such an advantage behind the plate? The Yankees have Russell Martin who had a good start, but wound up hitting .239, Hip, Hip, Jorge Posada who played in the first World Series, and Jesus Montero who is a young phenom. The Tigers have the All-Star starting, Silver Slugger winning (most likely), alliterative Alex Avila. He came into the season a question mark, and finished it as an exclamation point. If Avila needs a rest, the Tigers will turn to Victor Martinez. Yikes.

ADVANTAGE-DETROIT

FIRST BASE

Mark Teixeira joins Carl Crawford as most disappointing player in the AL East for 2010. He hit his typical 39 homers with 111 RBI, but his average was .248. His career average is .281. He can get hot and turn a series on its head, so don’t dismiss him yet.

Miguel Cabrera led the majors in average and OBP. He also threw in 30 homers and 105 RBI. He will get MVP consideration, but will probably finish second….on his own team. Still only 28, he is just now entering his prime.

ADVANTAGE-DETROIT

SECOND BASE

Here’s New York’s biggest advantage. Robinson Cano is a great, great player. He won the HR derby, hit .302, added 28 homers during the regular season, and plays aboverage defense. He is very good, obviously.

Detroit will counter with Raburn and Santiago. That is what Webster’s calls a drop off. You know the story. Raburn has pop, and is a streaky hitter. Razor Ramon plays solid defense, and has a little speed.

ADVANTAGE-NEW YORK

THIRD BASE

With mandatory steroid testing, Detroit wins in a landslide. Unfortunately Bud Selig cares more about money than silly things like integrity, historical context, and the health of his players.

Even with AROID, Betemit keeps this position close. He hit a 423 foot homer when Leyland was concerned about his knee. He has been a huge upgrade since he came from the Royals, and is on fire.

AROD has been injured most of the year, and hit .276 with 16 homers in 99 games. He is reportedly healthy, so who knows. He also is a known playoff-choker, so there’s that.

ADVANTAGE-NEW YORK (SLIGHTLY)

SHORTSTOP

Derek Jeter is a first ballot hall of famer. He is “The Captain” and has more World Series rings than Magic Johnson has white blood cells. I get it. I don’t get why he’s hitting second on a playoff team. Reputations can be a dangerous thing in sports. He hit ok this year, but has been declining since the Clinton administration.

Jhonny Peralta has been the opposite. He has gotten better the last year and a half since arriving in Detroit. He beats Jetah in every important hitting statistic, and his range is twice as large as Jeter’s at this point. It isn’t even close at this point.

ADVANTAGE-DETROIT

OUTFIELD

The Yankees have Gardner, Granderson, and Swisher. The Tigers have Young, AJAX, and Magglio. Uh oh…

Gardner is the leadoff hitter, who led the AL in steals and plays an incredible left field. He can change the complexion of a game with his speed in many ways.

Curtis Granderson is yet another MVP candidate playing in this series. I have been told, but cannot confirm, that he used to be a Tiger as well. 2011 was Grandy’s best season hitting .262 with 41 homers and 25 steals.

Swisher is an obnoxious Ohio State alum that once appeared on How I Met Your Mother. Strike Three! He is who he always has been. Middling average, good pop, horrendous defense. His teammates love his clubhouse demeanor which makes everyone else hate him. It’s the AJ Pierzinski syndrome.

The Tigers have another AL Central reclamation project in left. Delmon Young was once the top prospect in baseball. He was traded to Minnesota for Matt Garza, and never clicked up there. He has been a monster in Detroit however. He gives you Swisher production, except in left. He will smack a homer and allow a

groundball triple.

Austin Jackson is enigmatic like a virgin cheerleader. He hit waaaaaay above his head last year, started slow this year, and picked it up in the second half. Who knows how he’ll hit in the playoffs. He plays the best defensive CF that I have seen this year, which is important at home.

Magglio, well he has come on lately. He too can carry a team when he’s on, but can also tweak a hammy putting his chapstick back in his pocket. Let’s hope for 2 more months of healthy-o.

ADVANTAGE-NEW YORK

STARTING PITCHERS

NY will go with a 3 man rotation against Detroit. CC, Nova, and Freddy Garcia.

Detroit will counter that with Verlander, Fister, Scherzer, and Porcello.

Nuff Said. Verlander>Sabathia. Fister>Nova. Scherzer=Garcia (worst case due to his inconsistency.) Porcello=?. Verlander>anyone else.

Verlander twice and Fister once can get the 3 wins you need to advance. It really is that simple. Will the Yankees win a game or two. Yes. Will they beat Verlander twice? No. Will Nova outduel Fister? Doubtful.

ADVANTAGE-DETROIT

BULLPEN

The bullpens match up fairly evenly. Valverde and Benoit are equivalent to Rivera and Robertson. They both have decent mop up guys, and both can get left handers out. I am leaning towards giving NY the edge due to their playoff experience, but Valverde has been lights out this year. Hey, I haven’t copped out yet…

ADVANTAGE-EVEN

MANAGER

Joe Girardi is a player’s manager. He is one of the best managers in baseball. He uses his bullpen well, and lets his players play.

Jim Leyland finally found a lineup that works, so hopefully he doesn’t try to get too creative. He leaves his starters in too long on occasion, but with JV and Fister it may be a good strategy. He has shown a knack for making good decisions on pinch hitters late in the season, so hopefully that continues. He also has a ton of playoff experience with Pittsburgh, Florida, and Detroit.

Sorry, it’s a wash. I can’t find any discernible reason to favor one over the other.

ADVANTAGE-EVEN

INTANGIBLES

New York is the team everyone thinks has a shot to win it all every year. Detroit had question marks up until August. New York has the biggest payroll in baseball. Detroit is 10^th. The Yanks seem to choke at inopportune times. Detroit does also. Sigh…

I have to like Detroit’s chances. There is something to be said about having the best pitcher in baseball in a 5 game series. I like the Tigers. Wait…

ADVANTAGE-DETROIT

PREDICTION

I will take the Tigers in 5 games. JV wins twice, and Fister once. The Tigers will take on Texas in the ALCS.

The Tigers will play the Yankees

2011-09-29T11:49:00.001-04:00

I'm sorry. What I meant to say is FUCK NEW YORK.

While it isn't exactly an earth shattering stance to take, I hate the Yankees. I hate AROID. I hate CC Sabathia. CC? More like PeePee, amirite? I hate Nick Swisher. I hate Cano, who won the HR Derby by having his dad pitch to him. He'd still be hitting homers if he had his teammate AJ Burnett pitch to him instead. Yes, I hate Burnett too.

I hate Rivera for still wearing Jackie Robinson's number. I hate Jesus Montero for having the same name as many people's lord and savior. I hate Bartolo Colon because:

He's old and fat
His name is colon, which is where poop is stored, and we all know Bartolo is full of shit
Dr. Bartolo is a character in The Barber of Seville, and I hate that fucking FIGARO, FIGARO, FIGARRROOO SONG
He's still old and fat

I hate setup man David Robertson for having a name that sounds like Nate Robertson. I hate Freddy Garcia because he's almost as old and fat as Bartolo Large Intestine. I hope Freddy gets fingered.

I hate Ivan Nova because my mom used to drive a lemon yellow Chevy Nova, and it always smelled like exhaust. I hate Brett Gardner for having so many stolen bases. At he reinforces the stereotype that everyone in New York steals. I hate Brandon Laird because his brother, Gerald, hit like Brandon Inge in his tenure in Detroit.

I hate Rafael Soriano because Michaelangelo was the better Ninja Turtle. I hate Dellin Betances because both of his names have red squigglies under them when I typed it. I hate Phil Hughes because he just sounds like he'd be a total cock-master, personality wise.

I hate Jeter. Yep, I said it. Fuck you, he got to bang Minka Kelly. (Who pales in comparison to my wife, if she's reading this. Hiya Sweetie) He also left Michigan to sign with the Yankees. I also hate George Steinbrenner(RIP, though) for signing Drew Henson away from the Wolverines. Jeter has been an over rated player for 5 years, and held his team hostage last winter. WAHH...I want to make eleventy-billion dollars for hitting .288 hit diminished speed/power/range. WAHHH...I wanna hit leadoff with my .710 OPS. Eat a shit sandwich on herpes bread.

Sigh.......Here's where it gets bad. I don't wanna do it.

I hate Curtis Granderson. I really don't, but I do. I hate that he hit leadoff when it was apparent that he was a 3-hitter. I hate that my wife (hi again, pumpkin) would leave me for him faster than Snooki's morals leave her on Thirsty Thursday. I hate that he became half the player when he went to NY. He wore 28 here, 14 there. (See what I did there?) I hate that he was everything the city of Detroit needed, but got traded away.

I hate him for reasons beyond his control, but hate him all the same. I don't hate him. I hate him. I don't..

I'd hate Luis Ayala, Boone Logan, Eric Chavez, and the rest but outside of their families, no one knows they play for the Yankees.

Oh yeah....Tigers in 4. More informative preview to come, unless guys named Vinny, Saul, and The other Vinny make me sleep with the fishes.

EDIT-I hate that I just now thought of Fister-Colon...

On 3-0, 4-0, and 92-67

2011-09-26T12:20:00.000-04:00

On this date, September 26, 2011, the Detroit Lions are 3-0. This isn’t some weird situation where the preseason started late, so the games don’t count. They are 3-0 in the regular season. Of the NFL.

…

By now I’m sure you’ve seen all the stats about the last time they were 3-0. How Jimmy Carter was president, and gas cost $1.22 /gallon, and the number one song in America was Diana Ross’ “Upside Down”. Shit, I wasn’t even born yet. But there are other fun facts. For instance, only 8 players from the 53 man roster were actually alive the last time they were 3-0. In 1980, the Kansas City Royals played in the World Series. I will stop there.

But is all the celebration a case of a starved fan base grasping onto the first glimmer of positivity they have seen in what seems like forever? Maybe. Is this a mirage; a team playing way above their head that will struggle to win another game this season? I say no. This is a team that blew out Tampa Bay (10-6 last year, and 2-1 so far this year), Kansas City (which isn’t that impressive given their struggles this year, but they were 10-6 last season), and then rallied from a 20-0 halftime deficit to beat the Vikings in Minnesota for the first time since 1997.

I am trying so hard not to overreact. I truly am, but I’m not sure I have the self-control. This is obviously one of the 5 best teams in the NFL right now. Key word being now. Will they keep this up? Hopefully.

Up next is Dallas. Dallas is one of the more wounded teams going right now. Tony Romo is playing tonight with a broken rib, and is one hit away from starting Jon Kitna again. Miles “gums” Austin is out, Felix Jones and Dez Bryant are hobbled, and they have 2 injured kickers. Ouch….literally. This could be a completely different looking team on Sunday. They will also have a short week after playing on MNF.

Also, check out my predictions so far….Not too shabby.

As for the Wolverines, it is a similar story. They are 4-0, when I expected 3-1. It took the comeback of all comebacks in the greatest football game I have ever witnessed to beat Notre Dame to get there, but there they are.

Many thought that with “Gorgeous” AL Borges coming on as the offensive coordinator, that Denard Robinson’s rushing production would be limited. Wrong-o. Wrong,wrong,wrong. Denard is currently leading the NCAA in rushing yards per game since they didn’t count the Western Game. His passing game has regressed (save for the heaves in the 4^th quarter of the Irish game) but his legs still need to be game planned against.

The defense is a toss-up from week to week. They gave up 207 yards on the ground to Eastern, but held Ronnie Hillman to his worst game so far. No one knows which defense will show up. They have only given up 12.8 ppg, good for 11^th in the country, a far cry from last year when they gave up 7349 points a game.

There is more good news. They play Minnesota next. Yay! Minnesota is 1-3, and just lost to Div I-AA North Dakota State by 13. I would talk more shit about them, but their coach has medical concerns, and I’m better than that. Shut up cocksucker, I am.

So, it’s a pretty good time to be a Lions/Wolverines fan right about now. 7-0, with postseason aspirations, and Denard Robinson and Calvin Johnson are two of the most impressive athletes in their respective sports. Of course, it could all come tumbling down like it usually does. I don’t care, I’m getting naked and dancing in the streets. Wanna stop me? Donate money to a charity. BOOM.

Also, as I am preparing to go to the monsoon turned game tonight, the Tigers are heading to the postseason. I have a future post planned, but I wanted to give you a heads up that I will be in the front row above the bullpen for tonight’s game at Comerica. If the Tigers start losing, I will be the guy drunkingly stumbling around in left-center before getting tased by a 73 year old lady security guard.

2011 Lions Preview

2011-09-09T12:33:00.000-04:00

To say expectations about the Detroit Lions haven’t been this high since Barry was still playing is like saying that Brian Kelly has anger management issues. It would be akin to suggesting to Sammi and Ron-Ron that maybe they would be better off seeing other people. Hell, Peter King of SI/NBC called them a Super Bowl contender. I know, right? While he has since back tracked faster than Nnamdi Asomogha, he still has them making the playoffs. That is still optimistic, but realistic at least. I think that his 10-6 prediction is “best case scenario”, and would be happy with 8-8. This optimism is all based upon Matthew Stafford playing all 16 regular season games, and therein lies the rub. You guarantee a health Stafford, and I am on board with 10 or 11 wins. I just have yet to see anything that makes me believe he can stay healthy. His injuries have been of the freak variety, but they cost him games nonetheless.

For this preview, I will group all the position groups together, before taking a broader view.

QUARTERBACK

This, as I alluded to earlier, should be the difference between playoffs, and draft lottery. Matthew Stafford has killed it this preseason, putting up a 25/33 for 395 yards with 5TD and 0 picks. I know, I know, preseason. But dude showed what he can do. He did that against mostly first team defenses, and with the shortened training camp, they had their foot on the pedal. The biggest stat to look at is that he was only sacked once. Backus and crew have to make this their priority, and it looks like they finally “get it” for once.

So what does that mean for the regular season? Beats me. And anyone who tells you they know what will happen is a flat out, poopy-faced liar. Yeah I said it. I hate to be Debbie Downer, but I doubt he starts all 16 games this year. He has yet to do it, and until I’m proven wrong, I will be cautious.

So I guess it’s all gloom and doom again, right? Not so fast my friend. There is actually a capable backup. His name is Shaun Hill, and he performed well last year in relief. 2686 yards with a 16/13 ratio isn’t too bad considering the run game was essentially nonexistent by the time he took over. Jahvid Best was playing on 8 toes, and he was the highlight. He isn’t Peyton Manning by any means, but he also isn’t Peyton Manning’s neck. He’s a guy that will win you a game or two that you shouldn’t have won. He can also cost you a few in the same vein. He should fill-in admirably should Stafford need a few weeks off.

Drew Stanton is still on the roster. He played well enough for me to not hate his guts (as much) at the end of the year. And I know I keep harping on this, but the Lions benched him in favor of Hill last year, despite the miniscule fact that SHAUN HILL HAD A BROKEN ARM. I thought Zac Robinson should have won the job, but I digress. If it comes down to Stanton, chances are Mayhew is looking for a QB early in the 2012 draft.

This position will be the only copout.

HEALTHY STAFFORD GRADE-B

HURTY STAFFORD GRADE- C

RUNNING BACK

Jahvid Best started out like gangbusters last year. He ended up like Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters 3. He suffered from the dreaded turf toe for about the last 2/3 of the season, and lost his explosiveness. Unfortunately, Maurice Morris, Kevin Smith, Aaron Berry, and company couldn’t pick up the slack. The team addressed the depth issue by drafting Mikel Leshoure in the 2^nd round. Leshoure promptly tore his Achilles, and put the team back to square one.

Best and Morris are back, and that’s about it. A healthy Best is an offensive weapon both running the ball, and catching it out of the backfield. But he is not a 25 carry a game guy, and neither is Morris. The team brought in 2 new players to help out in Jerome Harrison from Cleveland, and Keiland Williams from Washington.

They are good depth players, but not the type of guy that will lead you deep into the playoffs. Although, I think Williams is a sleeper.

Had Leshoure been here, I would be happy but not ecstatic about the position. As it stands?

RUNNING BACK GRADE- B-

WIDE RECEIVER

Calvin Johnson is Calvin Johnson.

Nate Burleson had what could be a breakout preseason both production wise and, more importantly, chemistry wise. He and Stafford looked to be N’Sync, and said “Bye, Bye, Bye” to the questions about his inability to keep teams from double covering CJ. He had 55 catches and 6 scores last year, but I could do that opposite Calvin Johnson, and I’m out of shape and a smoker. It’s a good bet that the team will get better production out of the position this year.

And just to be sure, the Lions hedged their bets by drafting Titus Young in the second round of the draft. Young is a prototypical slot WR who should be most effective on short to intermediate crossing routes where he can use his speed to separate from linebackers.

Other players at the position are Rashied Davis, a special teamer from Chicago. Maurice Stovall, a 6’5’’ 220 pounder they picked up off the scrap heap, and looked impressive. Stefan Logan is the main return guy, who I will cover in the Special Teams section.

Anytime you have CJ, a player like Burleson in his second year with the team, and a speedy second round rookie, you are incapable of anything less than a B+ in my book

WIDE RECIEVER GRADE- A-

TIGHT END

Brandon Pettigrew is emerging as one of the best young tight ends in the game. He had 71 catches and 4 TD last year while recovering from a torn ACL. He should be a great ¾ option in the passing game.

Tony Scheffler is the backup, and had 45 catches last year. That is impressive. He could start on a large number of teams, but will still get plenty of time in 2 TE sets when the team tries to establish the run.

Will Heller is an H-back who will play FB when the situation arises. Meh.

TIGHT END GRADE- B

OFFENSIVE LINE

Lest I be considered an imbiber of the Kool-Aid, it gets worse. The skill positions are legit. If this was NFL Blitz, I would pick them over almost everyone. But, in the real world, blocking is important. And blocking is far from this team’s strength.

Contrary to popular opinion, Jeff Backus did not create cancer. He did not fund any terrorist attacks. He did not have sex with your sister. (Ok, I’m 99.9% sure on the first two, and about 50-50 on the third. Dude’s a millionaire.) He is not Jake Long or Joe Thomas, but he isn’t (insert a Raiders or Bills OT here). He’s a serviceable piece that will need replacing soon.

Rob Sims is aboverage (above average) at LG, and is the strongest piece they have. He can be a Pro Bowler if the team succeeds.

Dominic Raiola talks too much, but is still a starter-level player.

Stephen Peterman/Jacques McClendon/Dylan Gandy is the weakest link on the line. The upside is McClendon, but hopes aren’t high.

Gosder Cherilius just got called for a penalty, and he isn’t playing. He is a first rounder that hasn’t developed. He still has time, but not much.

What else can I say? They are the weakest position group on the defense by a large margin. Whether it’s a reflection on the patchwork offense of last year is yet to be seen. The line gets a horrible rep, but actually isn’t as bad as most think. It gets dinged for not keeping Stafford healthy, however.

OFFENSIVE LINE GRADE- D

OFFENSE

Like I said, this can vary depending on Stafford’s shoulder. If the deep threats at WR and TE can keep teams from loading the box, Best can have a big year. It would also keep blitzers from having free shots, since they will be in coverage. It will also allow someone other than CJ to have the honor of being double teamed on a play-by-play basis.

I will again hedge my bets, and say Stafford misses 3-4 games in the middle of the year, and Hill fills in adequately.

OVERALL OFFENSIVE GRADE- B-

In years past, coming to the defensive side of the ball is when I would start taking shots of paint thinner until I could convince myself that Jordon Dizon and Paris Lenon were legit NFL linebackers. This year I am just going to refresh my cocktail and try to stay realistic. OK, maybe 1 or 2 shots for having remembered Dizon was once a starter.

DEFENSIVE LINE

The obvious strength of the defense, this D-line is one of, if not THE, best in the NFL. The Suh-Nami was defensive rookie of the year, and could be better this year with a healthy KVB. He gets labeled dirty, but I say he just plays hard. Yes, I named numerous fantasy teams the “Suh-Namis” this year, wanna fight about it?

The other DTs are pretty badass as well. Corey Williams more than held his own, and Sammie Lee Hill and Andre Fluellen are quality rotation guys. And they drafted the most dominating collegiate defensive player since, uh, Suh, in Nick Fairley. He has been injured, but when healthy he should clean up next to the House of Spears.

The Des should also reap the benefits of Suh, but it is dependent on Kyle Vanden Bosch’s health. He can be a playmaker when he isn’t double teamed, and the tackles should ensure that he isn’t. He’s getting older, but is far from done. (Fingers crossed)

Cliff Avril had 8.5 sacks last year, and should be able to improve on that with better linebacker and DB play. He has really emerged as a pass rusher, and should hit double-digit sacks this year.

Lawrence Jackson was a steal after he was waived by Seattle, and Willie Young adds depth.

DEFENSIVE LINE GRADE- A

LINEBACKER

This is the most revamped unit on the team, and with that comes a Hallelujah. Julian Peterson was a bust in his time here. He put up good stats, but was constantly out of position, and had some bad penalties. He is no longer here.

The holdovers from last year are DeAndre Levy, who looked like the player he was drafted to be. He was out of position playing MLB last year, and luckily will no longer be there. He will move to the weak side, and can hopefully put some pressure on the QB.

Bobby Carpenter, Ashlee Palmer, and Isaiah Ekejiuba (yes, I had to look it up….thrice), are also back, and should be special teamers/depth guys who won’t kill you. I like Bobby Carpenter, and seeing as he’s a former Buckeye, that is high praise.

Now here’s where most of my personal optimism comes. The Lions signed two starting linebackers. One is Justin Durant, formerly of the Jaguars. He will start on the strong-side, and will be solid. That is nice to say.

But Mr. Stephen Tulluch could be special. He, well, just read what I said when they signed him. I won’t throw out the S word, but Spielman is the potential.

This is the most improved unit on the field and, assuming the gel sometime before November, could be a real strength when the weather gets cold, and teams want to run the ball. Homer grade coming in 3….2….

LINEBACKER GRADE- B

DEFENSIVE BACKS

It starts with Louis Delmas, not only because he led the team in tackles, but he rocks gold teeth, and mostly because he has a pet alligator. He can be a ballhawk when not chasing down receivers that are roaming free 30 yards downfield.

Amari Spievey is a converted corner who will start at strong safety. He should again fit the solid criteria.

The backups at safety are Erik Coleman, Randy Phillips, and special teamer extraordinaire John Wendling. Coleman is pretty good, Phillips is young, and Wendling is a special teamer extraordinaire.

The much-maligned cornerbacks got upgraded as well. Chris Houston probably isn’t a true #1 corner, but he is here. He had one pick, and spent too much time tackling guys after 12 yard gains.

The new starter is Eric Wright, a FA signed from Cleveland. He was a beast two years ago, struggled last year, and is a high-upside question mark this year. He should be somewhere in between, shading towards good. He should be better in this defensive scheme.

Alphonso “Do the Carlton” Smith led last year with 5 picks, but got burned so bad in the New England game, he needed skin grafts. He was pressed into starting last year, and should man the nickel spot this year.

The rest….uh oh. Aaron Berry should be OK. The rest are guys I doubt you have seen play. Let’s hope it stays that way, if you catch my drift.

This is a below average unit that will be helped by a great D-Line, improved linebackers, and an Offense that may make teams press. If I’m wrong about any of the aforementioned units, expect what you’ve seen the last few years.

DEFENSIVE BACKS GRADE- C-

SPECIAL TEAMS

Jason Hanson is back for the umpteenth time, and will be accurate. He’s Jason Hanson.

Longtime punter Nick Harris lost the job to undrafted rookie Ryan Donahue from Iowa. Harris was decent, so I expect the same or slightly better from Donahue.

The new kickoff rules hurt Detroit more than 75% of the teams, since Stefan Logan is one of the best in the league at returning kicks. Expect to see him taking a knee in the end zone more times than not. However, he also returns punts. He averaged 12.1 yards a return last year.

Let’s just hope this unit never becomes front page news. They should be around middle of the pack, which is fine. Or whatever, it’s special teams.

SPECIAL TEAMS GRADE- C

DEFENSE/SPECAL TEAMS

This is where it gets tough. It comes down to “Do you buy the hype” or “I have seen Lucy pull the ball away right before I kick it, so I am tempering my expectations. Yes, in fact I am Charlie Brown. No, I never understood what my teacher was saying.” The age old question of head –vs- heart. Or in this case, head –vs- liver. I am begrudgingly going with my heart. I always hear about the NFL’s parity, and how it’s cyclical in nature, and herpity derpity derp.

The truth is, this is the most talent assembled on this side of the ball in ages. And, I can’t bring myself to go in halfway. I have to trust in The Schwartz, and hope Suh isn’t negated by suspensions or chop blocks from butthurt offensive linemen.

OVERALL DEFENSIVE/SPECIAL TEAMS GRADE- B

INTANGIBLES

These Lions have a chip on their shoulder. At least they better. They have been the butt of jokes on The Simpsons, The Tonight Show, and countless ESPN studio shows for years now. They will continue to be a laughing-stock until they prove themselves otherwise. The roster only has 10 players that was here when they went 0-16, so let’s hope the new guys can get some redemption for Hanson and the others.

CRAZY PREDICTIONS

Here’s where the fun starts. Here’s where I throw shit at the wall and sees what sticks.

· The Lions have 4 Pro Bowl starters. Calvin, Sims, Suh, and Tulluch. Avril makes it as an alternate, despite deserving to start.
· CJ has a career year, and passes Andre Johnson as the undisputed best WR in the NFL.
· Tulluch leads the NFC in tackles.
· Avril has 12+ sacks.
· Stafford misses 3-4 games, but plays as a top 10 QB when healthy.
· Hanson is unable to finish the season, and kicking becomes a huge weakness.

RECORD

The tough part about predicting the record is the uncertainty surrounding so many teams on the schedule. What do you do with Kansas City, who made the playoffs last year, but waaay overachieved? What about Chicago, who made the playoffs with Jay Cutler at QB?

I will go with 10-6. The wins?

· At Tampa Bay

· Kansas City

· At Minnesota

· Chicago

· San Francisco

· At Denver

· Carolina

· Minnesota

· At Oakland

· At Green Bay

I just peed a little. I am picking them for the playoffs, but losing in the first round unless the pull the winner of the NFC West, in which case they go 1-1 in the playoffs, and statues of Schwartz are erected outside Ford Field. Also, I just said erected.

Here goes nothin….

Quickie Previews for the 2011 season

2011-09-02T15:15:00.000-04:00

So, this year, I have decided to do all my previews for Michigan's opponents before the season. I figure that not much changes during the season, and I am too stubborn to change my opinion anyway. And since any Tourette's afflicted chimpanzee can write in-depth scouting reports about college football (seriously, Google that ish) I will put my typical SEMS spin on it. For my 6 loyal readers, you know what that means. For the people that stumble upon this looking for some weird fetish porn; I'm sorry, but good luck in your search.

LEGAL DISCLAIMER

The facts listed below are not based on actual, you know, facts. This is to be taken as humor, so don't bet your house (ok, let's be honest, anyone who would take this as gospel, and bet their residence is probably living in a trailer park) or kid's college fund on it. Except the Michigan State portion, I'm pretty sure it will be 100% factual.

Ok, with the lawya stuff out of the way (actually, I don't have a lawyer on staff, but I was watching Judge Mathis) let's get down to the nitty gritty. Nitty Gritty? When did I turn 60? The previews are meant to be read in less than 2 minutes each. Any more than 2 minutes, and it gets boring, just ask my wife. Right honey? Honey? Hun? Who's that Italian gentleman talking to my wife? Where's she going in his Fiat? Hon, where you going? Hon?

Ok, so maybe 2 minutes and 15 seconds will be better. Unless you can't read, in which case s.kfgduihgduslfgfghliufgihdsbo;.

WESTERN MICHIGAN

Anytime you have a direction in your school's name, you don't count. And before you say West Virginia, that's the name of the state, and they still don't count. If you have a direction in your name, or it's only a fineable offense to fellate your cousin, you don't count. But I digress; WMU will be ok this year. They have Alex Carder who plays quarterback. And Jordan White had 10 td catches last year. I'm also willing to bet they have other players that wear uniforms. The bottom line is that Hoke will be looking to make a statement in his first game, and that statement will be accompanied by pointing, because that's what Hoke does. Easy Michigan win.

NOTRE DAME

ND will be good this year. They have returning depth at QB, a Samoan MLB, the top incoming DL class in the nation, and a drunk driving WR. In essence, they are the Bengals circa every year I've been alive. They will be the typical ND team. They will win one to two games against real opponents, and beat the cupcakes to reach a New Year's Day bowl game. I just hope that Jimmy Clausen breaks his leg. Yes, I realize Jimmah is in the NFL for the second year, but I really can’t stand the emu. Close game.

EASTERN MICHIGAN

I just can’t bring myself to say mean things about the Hurons. I also can’t bring myself to call them the Eagles. The Eagles have won two games in 2 years. They haven’t had a winning record since 1995. They haven’t been to a bowl game since 1987. But they return QB Alex Gillett and 7 starters on the defense. They should be better than they were last year, but that isn’t saying much. I’m guessing Hoke lets off the gas pedal earlier than normal since Ron English is a Michigan Man. Easy Michigan win.

SAN DIEGO STATE

The grudge match. The scorned team seeks revenge on the coach that left them for greener (bluer?) pastures. The surfer dudes versus the Northern hippies. The Hatfields versus the McCoys. Snooki versus dignity. This is a game I am looking forward to. SDSU knows what Hoke and Borges will do. They also have the best QB-RB duo Michigan will face all season. Sorry, Spartan fans, but it’s true. I think this game will be very close, but the Aztecs lost their 3 leading receivers from last year. Then they lost the 2 receivers who were expected to replace them in the starting lineup. Their WR 2-deep will remind you of last year’s Michigan secondary. Sorry for that visual. Hey coach Hoke, which way to the beach?

Thanks, yo!

At this point, I would be stoked for a 3-1 record, with a loss to either Notre Dame or SDSU. 4-0 would make me ecstatic until I remembered that they started 4-0 and 5-0 the last two years.

MINNESOTA

The Geauxfers lose their all-time leading passer, but replace him with MarQueis Gray, who is a tremendous athlete. They return 8 starters from a defense that gave up 33 ppg last season, so I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or not. I mean, YAY experience, but it’s experience that is not very good at playing football. The have a new coach in Jerry Kill who was 23-16 at Northern Illinois in 3 seasons. But his name is Kill, so they have improved in the “coach’s name is intimidating” area over Tim Brewster. I will go out on a limb, and pencil Michigan in for a W here.

NORTHWESTERN

Nerds –v- Nerds. Only, this time, the Nerds can fight back. NW has Dan Persa back from tearing his Achilles whilst throwing a game-winning TD against Iowa. They have 9 total starters back on offense. This will be a good game. Based on pure talent, Michigan wins in a massacre. But Michigan is transitioning, and NW is a very well coached team under Pat Fitzgerald. I think Michigan wins, but I’m not putting any money on it.

MICHIGAN STATE

I will be nice. I will be nice. I will be nice. The Spartans have the second-best QB-RB duo Michigan will face this year, Kirk Cousins had 2825 yards and a 20-10 ratio last year. He is being touted as a 2-3 round NFL draft pick, which LOL, so he has some talent. Edwin Baker is an All Big Ten pick. They have good depth at RB with Caper and Bell, and decent talent at WR with Cunningham and Nichol. They also have Jerel Worthy who some call a top-10 draft pick, despite his 4 sacks and 4 tfl last year. Another close game that could go either way, but MSU has all the momentum in the series.

BYE

I haven’t heard of this school, but they play every school in the country, so they must be tired at the end of the year.

PURDUE

Danny Hope is a cock-faced shit raper. I really can’t stand him, and his stupid pedo-stache. Ever since he flipped out and threw his gum, I hope he stubs his toe every time he wakes up to piss. When he coined the “Snake Oil” meme, I wanted to hit him in the face with a sock full of rusty nails. Also, their starting QB tore his ACL, and will have to play former Miami Hurricane Robert Marve. They also lost Ryan Kerrigan who was a first round draft pick. HAHA Hope. Karma’s a bitch. Michigan wins 134-0.

IOWA

I thought bringing excitement to the Purdue game was tough… Iowa loses Ricky Stanzi, and a bunch of their BAMFs on defense. The return 9 starters total, and their “star” RB Marcus Coker will tear an ACL or contract Ricketts, because that’s what Iowa running backs do. Their QB is Dawson’s Creek sound alike, James Vandenberg, and he will throw it to Marvin McNutt. I just wanted to work McNutt’s name in there somehow. I hope I didn’t force it too bad. Despite the evidence to the contrary, Iowa will be good again, and will likely be favored in this game.

ILLINOIS

I want to thank the Illini game from last year for bringing Greg Mattison to Ann Arbor. The 67-65 3OT game sealed Gerg’s fate, and that is a reason to be thankful. I feel like I should send a fruit basket to show my gratitude. They are a trendy sleeper pick, which is a complete oxy-moron, but it’s true. Nathan Scheelhaase looked good as a redshirt freshman last season, and well, that’s about it. They lose Mikel Leshoure. They lose perpetual under-achiever Jarred Fayson. They lose Martez Wilson, Travon Bellomy, and Corey Liuget on D. And they have Ron Zook as their head coach. That sounds like it equals out to negative 3 wins. Michigan SHOULD win this easily.

At this point, I will say 6-4. 7-3 or better, and I will do unspeakable things to pictures of Hoke. Which picture?

Now comes the grinder. Nebraska and Ohio. Bring that shit, son.

NEBRASKA

I like Nebraska in the Big 10. I welcome their style of football, and their history. I just think that they will have success this year that will cause their fans to become insufferable. They are in a down Big Ten, and probably don’t see it. The only competition in the Legends Division is MSU, and they are coached by a moron. So, I will say this to them….”SHHH. That sound you hear is nobody being scared of you, no matter what happens in 2011. Have your fun. Enjoy the trip to the inaugural Big Ten Championship, because it gets harder. Not to say you can’t compete for it every year, but it won’t be this easy. This is like the introductory rate from Comcast. We suck you in, treat you well until it’s too late to back out, then BOOM, abuse you like Britney Spears’ children. We hope you enjoy your stay.”

Ahem… They return Taylor Martinez and 4 other starters on offense. They return tackling machine Lavonte David and Baker Stenikuhler on D. Kickers….coaching…blah blah. Probable Michigan loss until further notice.

What time is it? GAME TIME!!!

OHIO

I was going to start off with a joke. Maybe a tattoo joke. Possibly a car dealership joke. Maybe something along the lines of a “people from Ohio are so stupid……” joke. Then I remembered that I’m better than that. Then I was reminded that I’m not. How many Ohioans does it take to get free tattoos? 2. One to get the tattoo, and one to lie to the NCAA about it. Right to their faces. Even when they ask you directly about the incident in question. And then you suspend yourself for less games than the kids who messed up. Then you just say fuck it, and resign.

HAHAHA. I love jokes.

Ohio is still a talented team. They will start 26 year old Joe Bauserman at QB and sprinkle in highly touted freshman Braxton Miller. As much as Pryor underachieved, he will be missed in Columbus. They will lose top RB Dan “Boom” Herron for the first five games, and another RB was just suspended. Their top OT is suspended for 5 games. You get the picture.

Their defense returns 4 starters, 2 of which Phil Steele named first team Big Ten this year. Nathan Williams, who had 46 tackles, 4.5 sacks, and 5 tfl, and LB Andrew Sweat who was their #9 tackler last year, and had 1 tfl. His magazine is based in Columbus, OH, so it makes more sense now. Fat Detroit native, Johnathan Hankins also returns. He is still fat.

Coaching wise, who the fuck knows? If Tressel returns, they win this game going away. With Fickell, I haven’t a clue. I am not impressed with their defense, and their offense “depends” on a 26-year old QB. Depends, get it? Unless Miller is some sort of superstar right away, I think Michigan wins this one.

So, there you have it. I am calling for 7-8 wins, and an early December bowl game. I can live with that in year one for coach Hoke. Hey coach, if we lose the toss, which side of the field do we defend?

Fister-Furbush is done

2011-07-31T12:09:00.000-04:00

And now I need a cigarette. The Tigers acquired pitchers Doug Fister and David Pauley for Casper Wells, Charlie Furbush, minor leage 3B Francisco Martinez, and a PTBNL. On the surface it looks like a wash, but I'm actually getting excited about it. Fister's stats are misleading, especially his 3-12 record. His era, whip, and BB/9 are outstanding. He was the victim of Seattles horrendous offense.

Fister figures to be a 4/5 starter for the foreseeable future. He is under team control until 2015. He isn't the flashy pick like Ubaldo or James Shields, but he didn't cost us Jacob Turner (who looked great yesterday, btw), Nick Castellanos, or a MLB starter like Scherzer or Boesch.

David Pauley is a reliever with starting experience. He is having a great year with a .99 WHIP and 2.15 era. He can hopefully do what David Purcey has been unable to do, which is not suck. He should slot in before Benoit and Valverde, which is a nice back end of the bullpen.

As for who Detroit gave up, the only pieces of note are Martinez and the PTBNL. Casper and Furbush are nice pieces, but figured to top out as AAAA players. Wells provides good defense and a little pop, but didn't get on base enough. Furbush is a swingman, which is easily replaceable right now with guys like Below and Pauley.

Martinez has a chance to be very good. He was 20 years old, and holding his own in AA. But he was blocked in the organization by Castellanos. He is a toolsy boom/bust player, that can blow up in our faces in 7 years. The PTBNL is rumored to be a top 3 pick from 2010. Those players are Castellanos (not happening), Chance Ruffin ( hopefully), or Drew Smyly (most likely). I like Smyly more than Ruffin, which means Seattle probably does too.

All in all, it was a solid move. I don't trust Penny to stay healthy, so depth was needed after Verlander, Scherzer, and Porcello. Below, Fister, and Penny should be able to handle the last two spots. The rotation goes down to 4 in the playoffs, so the odd men out can move to the 'pen.

Also, Fister.....heh heh.

Lions sign Stephen Tulluch

2011-07-31T11:49:00.000-04:00

The Detroit Lions signed ILB Stephen Tulluch to a one year deal worth 3.35 Million. Yes,please. Tulluch is arguably the best young ILB in the NFL. He's only 26, and had 160 takles last year. He has a prior relationship with the Schwartz from their days in Tennessee, much like KVB.

To put his performance in perspective, Louis Delmas led the Lions last year with 84 tackles. For you non math majors, that is roughly half. My only beef with this deal is the length. I would like to lock him up ~~in my basement~~ to a long term deal.

This Lions D could be scary good. CB is the last "need", so expect to see Chris Houston back in Detroit.

Lions sign DT Quinn Pitcock

2011-07-29T19:45:00.000-04:00

Fuck me.

The Lions have just signed DT Quinn Pitcock. Wait, it gets better. The Quinn Pitcock from Ohio State. Strike One. The Quinn Pitcock who plays the same position as Ndamukong Suh, Nick Fairley, Corey Williams, Sammie Lee Hill, Andre Fluellen, et al. Fouled it off, strike two.

The same fucking Quinn Pitcock who was drafted in the 3rd round of the 2007 NFL Draft by the Colts and retired after one year due to addiction problems. What was this cat addicted to, you ask? Meth? Nah. Coke? Nope. Booze? Weed? Sex? Not so much. Video games. The guy quit football so he could sit around and play Super Mario Brothers.

Seriously, why can't I be like 6'4'' 280 lbs? Is that all it takes to make big money? I mean, I love Grand Theft Auto as much as the next guy, but are there NFL teams hitting me up? The rhetorical answer to that rhetorical question is no, in case I wasn't clear. Never say I left you hanging.

That's it. I'm quitting this blog so I can focus on beating Sonic the Hedgehog. Maybe ESPN will hire me if I do.

Humbled

2011-07-29T17:31:00.000-04:00

Sometime this week, I reached 20,000 views. Not bad for a bunch of wrong predictions, infrequent posting,and dick jokes that stopped being funny in 1998.

Seriously, I appreciate it. Naked pictures of the author when we reach 200,000*

*Subject to change

Lions offseason review 7-29-2011

2011-07-29T17:17:00.000-04:00

With the lockout finally over and the teams signing free agents, or at least agreeing to terms with them, I figured it was time to look at how the Lions are looking up to this point.

Rookies

All the drafted rookies have signed their deals and will not miss any practice time. Nick Fairley, the Lions first rounder signed a 4-year, ten million dollar deal. Wow, the rookies really got jail sexed in the new CBA. Last year’s #13 pick got 5 years and 22 Million. Of course, that player is Brandon “motherfucking” Graham, so he is criminally underpaid. In case you have forgotten, the other draft picks are Mikel Leshoure, Titus Young, Doug Hogue, and Johnny Culbreath.

They have also signed a bunch of undrafted free agents. These guys are basically camp dummies, and will rarely make the team. I know, I know, Kurt Warner and Priest Holmes. I said rarely. Some notable names on this list (i.e. players you may have heard of) are…

· TE Preston Dial-Alabama

· LB Quentin Davie-Northwestern

· LB Cobrani Mixon-Kent State (formerly Michigan)

· P Ryan Donahue-Iowa

The rest of the names can be found here.

Roster Cuts

Jordan Dizon and Bryant Johnson have been cut to clear salary and remove two sub-par players. Dizon was a horrendous “Millen Overdraft” in the 2008 draft, going 45^th overall(!!!) Some notable players the Lions passed on in favor of Dizon?

· Running backs like Ray Rice, Jamaal Charles, and Steve Slaton

· Tight Ends like Jermichael Finley and Martellus Bennet

· WRs like Mario Manningham and DeSean Jackson

· I am just depressing myself at this point

· Fuck do I hate Matt Millen

· Why am I still typing in this bulleted list?

· Because you are a lazy asshole.

· Thanks for checking in, self-esteem.

· Anytime, shitbeard!

Dizon wasn’t a horrible player, he was just a 4^th round prospect. And Bryant Johnson was a gamble that didn’t work out. I hope these cats catch on somewhere.

Trades

None that I know of, so I’m not sure why I even made this section.

Resignings

Drew Stanton (I still don’t get it), John Wendling, Dave Rayner, Dylan Gandy, and Brandon McDonald have all agreed to terms with the Lions. I understand ¾ of them. Can they cut Stanton and give him a chance elsewhere? In case you have forgotten, they started a broken-armed Shaun Hill over him last season. I personally can’t stand the guy, but sheesh. He’s getting strung along like a retarded Yorkie at a pet store. You keep playing with it, but there’s no way you are taking it home.

Free Agent Signings

To date, there are 5 new members of the Lions since Tuesday.

1. WR Rashied Davis from Chicago. Huh? Dude has 14 catches in his last two years. Maybe a special teamer.

2. CB Maurice Leggett from Kansas City. Who? He worked with Gunther in KC, so maybe he can work some magic.

3. TE LaDarius Johnston from Seattle. Seriously? I thought we were set at TE with Grew and Scheffler.

4. LB Justin Durant from Jacksonville. All right, now we’re talking. He should compete for a starting spot immediately.

5. CB Eric Wright from Cleveland. This is the move (so far) that excites me the most. He’s a young CB that didn’t fit in Cleveland’s new defensive scheme, so he came cheap after a disappointing 2010. He also has the same name as Eazy-E. Fuck yeah!

Wright can be a number 1 CB if needed, and can slide to number 2 if Asomugha somehow signs here(doubtful), they re-sign Houston (possible), or they sign a Cris Carr or Antonio Cromartie (who knows?).

What’s Left?

There are still some big needs to fill. Like I just said above, CB needs to be addressed since they ignored it in the draft. They still need at least 1 more linebacker. And OL depth is always an issue. At CB, the names Asomugha and Cromartie would be nice, but expensive. Hell, Cro has 14 kids to feed. Correction, it’s only nine kids……with 8 different women.BAAAAAAALIN. His dick has to be as tired as an anemic marathon runner. Shit. I couldn’t find 8 women that could even stand the THOUGHT of having sex with me right now without throwing up in their mouth.

So be prepared to see a corner like Carr, Houston, or Carlos Rogers receive some press. Any less than that, and we’re in trouble.

At linebacker, it isn’t as big of a need. The have Levy who can play anywhere, and they signed Durant. Doug Hogue was drafted in the 5^th round, so he’s a crap shoot. There are some big names being linked to Detroit like Steven Tulluch and Nick Barnett at ILB. Yes please. This defense has the potential to be sick with a few solid moves. Tulluch is that move, and he played for Jim Schwartz in Tennessee. Let’s hope he follows KVB and heads to Allen Park.

Thoughts

So far, so meh. They haven’t made any OMG SUPER BOWL moves so far. I like Wright and Durant, but the rest are just so-so at best. I listed 5 signings above, and completely made one up, and I doubt anyone noticed since the first 3 are players most people have never heard of. The made up guy was the TE, btw.

I have to hope/assume there is big news on the way. I won’t be bummed if it isn’t Asomugha, since I never thought we had a chance. I am really hoping for Tulluch or Barnett at ILB. I really really want Tulluch. Seriously, I would do un-natural things if he came to Detroit. Ahem… Other than that, it’s all conjecture. There are new reports every 17 minutes that list new Lions’ targets. I would list them all, but as was previously reported, I am a lazy asshole. More to come as it all unfolds. So long.

Tigers acquire Wilson Betemit

2011-07-20T18:35:00.000-04:00

A look at the Tigers-Offensive Edition

2011-07-10T14:08:00.002-04:00

So we’re 91 games into the season. If in April, someone had told me that Detroit would be .5 games behind Cleveland, I would have been fucking pissed. If they would have told me that we were behind Cleveland by .5 games, and were in second place? I would have offered to chip in on whatever it was you were on. Seriously, I got five on it. Add to that the fact that we are 4.5 up on the White Sox and 7 up on Minnesota, and….well, I dunno. I don’t think anyone knows what to think of the AL Central right now.

So how did we get 5 games over .500, and still have so much uncertainty? Let’s start with the offense. Seeing Miguel Cabrera and Verlander in the All Star game is pretty unspectacular. They are perennial All Stars, so it’s not that big a deal. I mean, congrats for sure, but hardly earth shattering news.

Well, the Tigers have 2 other All Stars on offense. Whoever had Jhohhnyh Peralta and Alex Avila playing or starting in the All Star game back in March, please raise your hands. Put your fucking hands down, liars. Granted it took a Twitter campaign from Verlander and an injury to Jeter, but here we are. Martin and Jeter did not deserve to be there, much less starting. Avila, Matt Weiters, AJ Pierzinski, Mike Napoli, and Carlos Santana are more deserving than Martin. And I won’t get into how over rater Jeter is now-a-days. But as long as MLB lets fans decide the home field advantage in the WORLD SERIES!!!!! and lets fans vote in guys like this, then I can’t take MLB serious. But anyway… Let’s take a look at the Tigers position by position.

CATCHER

Detroit easily has the best catching combination in baseball. How easily? Avila is headed to Arizona for the All Star game. Martinez is hitting .316. Granted, Martinez is mostly a DH, but still. Avila has shut me up. I didn’t think he was an everyday catcher. Mea Culpa.

FIRST BASE

Another position of strength, as Cabrera joins Adrian Gonzalez and Mark Teixeira as the big three. This year, Teixeira drew the short straw. This also brings up another stupid fucking rule I hate about the All Star Game. The “Hippy, everyone gets a representative, as long as we all tried hard nobody loses “rule. Also known as the HEGARALAWATHNL. Teixeira is easily more deserving than….I just can’t do it anymore.

SECOND BASE

The positivity train has derailed. The Detroit second basemen are awful. How awful? I miss Scott Sizemore horrible. Raburn, Santiago, Rhymes, and Worth just aren’t viable major leaguers at this point. Whether it’s due to a down year (Raburn), youth/talent (Rhymes and Worth) or talent (Santiago) they have to have more production out of this position. This statement will become a disturbing trend in the coming positions. A trade has to be made. Soon.

THIRD BASE

Inge and Kelly have played like Inge and Kelly. Great defense and putrid offense. Binge is hitting .186, which is less than such stalwarts as Omir Santos, and well everyone really. No, I really mean really. He is last on the team among non-pitchers in batting average. He has hit one home run. Kelly is Ruthian by comparison. He is batting .247 with 3 bombs. But they at least provide plus defense. The offensive output can only go up, so the defense saves them. For now….

LEFT FIELD

I will list Boesch here, since he has the second most starts in LF behind Raburn. Boesch is having another impressive 1^st half offensively. He killed it in the first half last year before going all Inge on us. (Too soon?) .306 average with 12 jacks and 43 RsBI. (I hate when people say RBIs. Runs batted ins? Run batted ins? No. It’s Runs batted in. /Rant over) Let’s just hope he keeps it moderately up after the All Star break. Fingers crossed. Breath not held.

CENTER FIELD

Austin Jackson is playing like Willy “Mays” Hayes. Unfortunately it’s the Omar Epps/Major League 2 version, and not the Wesley Snipes. If there was a WMH in Major League 3, I have no idea. I went through years of therapy to suppress any memories of that movie. He just isn’t hitting. At least not like a leadoff hitter. He has 15 steals which ranks 13^th is the AL, and is ironically tied with Granderson. Not bad. His OBP ranks 9^th. Not in the AL, but on the Tigers. Not good enough for a leadoff hitter at any level. Add in his 100 strikeouts (2^nd in the AL) and you are taking RsBI opportunities away from Cabrera, Boesch, and Martinez.

RIGHT FIELD

Boesch was covered earlier. Obviously his bat plays well in RF as well. I’m guessing, if Leyland had his druthers, Magglio would be the everyday right fielder, so I will focus on him. Fuck. He deserved the one year, $10,000,000 contract they gave him. He has done a ton for the Tigers. But he is no better than a pinch hitter right now. Why not let him rest until the playoff push? Casper Wells can handle it defensively, and Andy Dirks deserves a shot. I would start Dirks 5 times a week until Maggs is ready or he proves he can’t handle the job full time. I am a big fan of Dirks if I wasn’t being clear.

BENCH

I covered almost everyone. Dirks, Kelly, Raburn, Wells…yep. They have a typical bench. Good defensive replacements, few good pinch hitters.

MINORS

Will Rhymes must have killed Dombrowski’s dog or something. He is hitting .321 with a .381 OBP in Toledo. He isn’t worth a shot at 2^nd? That’s about it. There are a few 1B/DH candidates, but those positions are manned and manned well. At AA, Francisco Martinez is raking. Well, close. He is batting .286 with 7 HR, and plays third. That sounds so-so until you realize he is only 20 years old. It’s too soon to call him up, but he’s one to watch.

MANAGEMENT

Here’s where it gets fishy. I love Leyland. I love his arguments. I love his smoking habit. I hate his batting orders. He continues to bat AJAX leadoff for some reason. I never got the fastest guy has to leadoff. I am a big “put a guy with a propensity to get on base in front of the sluggers” guy. So who would I bat leadoff? I figured you would ask. I would bat Boesch at leadoff. He has a .362 OBP and can run a little bit. He could set the table for the Big Guns. In fact, my everyday lineup would be…

1. Boesch-7

2. Avila-2

3. Peralta-6

4. Cabrera-3

5. Martinez-DH

6. Ordonez-9

7. Raburn-4

8. Inge-5

9. Jackson-8

It puts the best hitters in a position to get the most at bats. And it puts Jackson 9^th, so his speed will be on the base paths in front of the sluggers.

OVERVIEW

There is a lot to like about this lineup. Cabrera is a Top-5 hitter in baseball. Martinez is a great hitter. Peralta and Avila are the best hitters at their position in the AL right now. Boesch is off to a great start again. Raburn and Inge have to hit better, right? Right? Please tell me I’m right. Ordonez, when healthy, is at the very least average. I’m Mr. Brightside.

But there is also a lot to not like. Jackson couldn’t hit a bad driver with a fire hose on an Ohio freeway. He strikes out too much to use his speed. Inge and Raburn have done nothing to show signs of turning it around. Avila and Peralta are playing out of their minds. Can they keep it up? I am Jack’s pessimistic gall bladder.

I think come September, this team will fall short as it stands. Chicago and Minnesota had horrible starts, and they didn’t take advantage. And they also have those pesky Injuns to contend with. They should be leading the Central by 8 games right now.

SOLUTION

Well, trades have to be made. 2^nd, 3^rd, and CF are gaping holes. (Don’t Google image search that at work. Trust.) The defense at 3^rd and in Center is enough to deal with the production. Second base is my bugaboo. If they don’t think Rhymes can do it, make a trade. Some candidates that may be available are…

(Note- I am listing good players on bad teams. I would love Rickie Weeks or Robinson Cano, but it ain’t happening.)

Ben Zobrist-Tampa Bay-Tampa is still in contention, but they are broke, and should lose ground on the Yankees and Red Sox fairly soon. He’s hitting .271 with 10 steals and 10 HR.

Neil Walker-Pittsburgh-The Pirates are surprisingly in the hunt, but it can’t last. Walker is young (25) and hitting .258 with 8 HR. Not great, but an upgrade.

Danny Espinosa-Washington-A leading ROY candidate in the NL, he probably isn’t available. But he has 14 HR. It would take a ransom, but I would consider it.

Ugh…That’s about it. But it proves my point. The good teams get good production at second base. So should we.

I will look at the pitchers soon, along with a look at the most valuable trade chips in the organization. So long.

EDIT-I for some reason had Martinez as an All Star. My bad. Fixed.

Pistons draft Brandon Knight

2011-06-23T21:39:00.000-04:00

Well, A+ Joe D. It took some luck and predictably unpredictable drafting, but you got Brandon Knight. He was one of the 4 players I didn't we had a chance of getting. Granted, it's another guard, but you gotta take the BPA. This grade goes higher if you can get rid of Rip, Gordon, or Stuckey. Higher than an A+ you ask? We will have to invent one. Z? Do you think it just rolls around to Z?

COLLEGE CAREER

As for the type of player Knight is, he averaged 17.3 points and 4.2 assists per game as a freshman at Kentucky. He will not be a classic pass-first PG, but more of a scorer like Derrick Rose or even Chauncey B-B-B-B-BILLUPS!!! He also improved dramatically as the year went on. He was named Most Outstanding player of his region in the NCAA Tournament. All SEC, All SEC Freshman team, and actually broke last year's Kentucky Freshman scoring record. Dude is legit. Oh, and he eliminated Ohio State.

HIGH SCHOOL

I am a big recruiting fan, so I have known about Brandon Knight for a long time. And Knight was the number one player in the country for a majority of his senior season. He was also only the third junior to be named Gatorade Player of the year, joining Greg Oden and Lebron James. He won the award again as a senior. When the final recruiting rankings were released, he was the #6 player over all to both Scout and Rivals.

NEXT SEASON

Who knows? Tracy McGrady averaged 23 minutes per game. Will Bynum? 18.4. Then add in starters Rip and Stuckey. Something's gotta give. I have to hope Knight gets major minutes, if not starts from day one. You now have 2 legit building blocks in Knight and Monroe. Austin Daye and Jerebko are nice pieces. That's it. I would keep Stuckey if I could get rid of Hamilton and Gordon. Imagine a starting 5 of Knight, Stuckey, Daye, Monroe and Big Ben. Good and young with Ben's defense. Is it a playoff team? Probably not, but it's a start. Plus they have two more picks. The third pick of the second round (#33 overall) and the 22nd of round 2 (#52 overall).

Overall, I give it an A+. He wasn't supposed to be there at #8. Hell, he didn't even work out for Detroit. But it was like Nick Fairley. I didn't even consider him when Detroit was on the clock, because I never thought he would be available. Until I say Jay Bilas' "Best Available" ticker, I figured we would draft a Morris brother, or Kemba Walker. I am stoked. I also wouldn't be surprised if he's traded soon. He doesn't fit the biggest need right now.

2011 NBA Draft Primer

2011-06-23T13:12:00.000-04:00

It’s that time again, Pistons fans. Time for Joe Dumars to throw a dart and select the newest members of our team. For every triple-20 (Monroe, Jerebko) he throws, he also hits the wall (Darko, Daye, the narcoleptic Walter Sharpe). Rarely does he hit a solid 15 to close it out (Stuckey). So it is more exciting than the NFL draft in that you never know what’s gonna happen.

My love of the NBA draft started in 1991 when Larry “Grandmama” Johnson was drafted by Charlotte first overall. I watched him beat Duke in the NCAA Final, and was a huge fan. Plus I had a teal starter Hornets jacket. This one in fact...

I thought I was the SHIT in that jacket. And as it turned out, I was. I got pooped on by a seagull on the left shoulder while feeding the fish outside Reflection's restaurant in Belleville. Ironic, huh Alanis?

Anywho.... My love continued when Chris Webber went number one overall in 1993. Timeout aside, I loved Webber. I saw him play in Ypsi when he was a senior at Country Day when my sister sang the National Anthem. Then he got traded right away for Penny Hardaway. My first introduction to the business side of sports.

Up next was 1995. I was at my dad's softball game when I heard the Pistons got Grant Hill. As much as I hated Duke (and still do for that matter) I liked Grant Hill. Of course had I known the teal era was forthcoming, my excitement would have been tempered.

The next big one for me was 2003. Darko. Fuck.

So now I will provide my guide to tonight's festivities.

The Pistons draft 8th (barring a trade, more on that in a bit) in one of the weakest drafts in recent memory. How weak? A mormon that will shoot anytime after he reaches mid-court is a lottery-lock.

There are 4 players that have a less than 1% chance of lasting until 8th.

Kyrie Irving-PG Duke. Almost a lock to go #1 to Cleveland.

Derrick Williams-F Arizona. High floor/ low ceiling.

Enes Kanter-C Kentucky/Turkey. Looks like a randomized create a prospect from NBA Live.

Brandon Knight-PG Kentucky. Joins Derrick Rose, Tyreke Evans, and John Wall as Calipari PGs.

Any of those guys in Detroit would get an A+ in my book. Another way to get an A+ is for Joe D to get rid of any of the following: Rip, Ben Gordon, Villanueva. They are expensive and shitty. Give up what you have to. Take on bad contracts. Just ship them out.

Assuming Detroit still picks 8th, there are some talented players available. I will break them down into grade-levels.

Jonas Valanciunas- Lithuanian (hello bias) C with huge upside. He has buyout concerns, so he may slip. Otherwise he's a top-5 talent.

Bismack Biyombo-Conganese. Congolian? Congan? He's from Congo. He brings blocks and dunks. A local favorite.

Jan Vesely-Huge Czech SF that projects to Andrei Kirilenko when he was still good.

These guys have A upside and huge bust potential. This team needs to swing for the fences.

Kemba Walker-UCONN PG. Undersized, but can definitely score. Led UCONN to the Title.

Chris Singleton-Florida State SF. A personal favorite, but may be a reach at #8.

Tristan Thompson-Texas PF. Meh. Should be good, not great.

Kawhi Leonard-SDSU SF. Like Thompson with slightly more boom/bust potential.

Marcus Morris or Markieff Morris Kansas PFs. Twinsies that will be seperated. How will they react. Marcus is the better player, fwiw.

Klay Thompson-Wash. St SG. Son of NBA player. Drug charges. Skinny. Good shooter.

Jimmer Fredette-BYU SG. National sensation. Adam Morrison but short. DO. NOT.WANT.

Anyone else gets an F as well. I can't see it being anyone else which means it will be some 5'6'' Eskimo with great intangibles.

Why Justin Verlander will win the AL Cy Young

2011-06-20T11:06:00.000-04:00

With Adrian Gonzalez killing it in Boston (told you so), Miguel Cabrera will probably be on the outside looking in when the MVP is announced. Granted, it's only June but these things can be predicted this early. But Verlander is absolutely killing it in 2011. Here is a chart of the important pitching categories:

Category	Value	AL Rank	ML Rank

Wins	9	T1	T1
ERA	2.54	4	7
WHIP	0.85	1	1
K	110	1	3
CG	4	T1	T1
QS	14	1	1
QS%	0.88%	2*	T2*
K/9	8.93	7	22
K/BB	4.23	4	7
BAA	1.81	2	2

Yeah.

The asterisked values for Quality Start Percentage are because the leader has only 1 start on the year. You will also notice the severe drop-off in K/9. Welcome to the advantages of pitching in the National League. His number 7 ranking isn’t great, but he’s top-5 everywhere else.

But as we all know, it isn’t all about the stats. Also in JV’s favor are:

His No-Hitter

His recent track record of success, dating back to 2006

Being the “Ace” on a team in playoff contention

His closest competitors are CC Sabathia and Jon Lester

CC isn’t a real name

Jon Lester rhymes with molester

Shit. The stats above were from last night.

So, as you can see, I have made a Perry Mason-esque argument for JV to win. This means he will need Tommy John surgery in August.

TresseLOL is no more

2011-05-31T13:24:00.000-04:00

FIRST REACTION-

SECONDARY REACTION-

Fuck. Wait, what?

The head coach of your biggest rival resigns amidst major accusations of player misconduct, and you are upset? The same coach that is was 9-1 against Michigan? The same coach that consistently lands top ranked recruiting classes months after playing in BCS Bowl Games? The guy that did for sweater vests what The Fonz did for leather jackets?

The exact same one. James Patrick Tressel. Coverer of facts. Look-a-liker of Owls. Molder of young men.

Yep. It saddens me a little. I foolishly thought he was clean. I knew Pryor was a "well compensated student athlete." Everyone did. Everyone whose school he was considering knew there was a fairly decent chance he would end up driving nicer cars than the coaching staff. Hell, I was happy with my 2008 Impala until he was seen driving around in this....

This picture is titled "pryor-fucktard.jpg" which is nice

But I thought Tressel would suspend him(or anyone else doing what Pryor does/did) for a season and regain his institutional control. I figured he would reach the Sugar/Rose Bowl with Braxton Miller and all would be forgiven. He could send a message to everyone that his big fish weren't above the law. I thought he was truly just looking out for his players. I thought UM-OSU was finally on the right track.

I thought wrong. It happens. Often.

Instead, it seems that he resigned before the real hammer comes down. Pete Carrol must have better timing than Tressel, since he landed in the NFL. Tressel will likely land in either airport hotel lobbies, or ESPN. I am already signed up for a "Prospering in college sports when dealing with inner city athletes" seminar with a yet-to-be-announced speaker.

I signed up early, so I got two free drink coupons. I can't see him ever coaching again. At least not in college, and let's be honest, he wouldn't make it in the NFL.

So why, after all that, am I upset he's gone? Because he left on top. At least over Michigan. Sure, the eligibility of his players is in question, but on the field? He kicked our asses 9 out of 10 times. Ok, maybe 8/10 (thanks Shawn Crable "late hit" call in '06). And we will never be able to get revenge. Ever.

Whoever they bring in next will be given the requisite 2-3 years, so even a win won't smell as sweet. And if it's Urban Meyer, Bob Stoops, Jon Gruden, or some other top tier guy, they won't need much more than a year. And, yes, we may steal a few recruits this year. Tressel did such a good job that they can absorb a bad recruiting season. National Signing Day is months and months away.

I am a big fan of analogies, so imagine this. You have been getting bullied for years. The last few years, you had a broken arm which inhibits your ability to fight back (RR era). Now you got your cast off, and have been working out non-stop to regain your strength (Hoke-A-Mania). So you march over to the bully's house, and he has moved out. Joined some religious cult, and travels from airport to airport handing out literature. He has changed his name to escape the demons of his past. He's essentially disappeared.

Is his current situation revenge enough for you? Wouldn't you feel more fulfilled if you had been able to unleash a good 'ole fashioned ass-whooping? I know I would.

My 7 apologies

2011-05-31T09:39:00.000-04:00

For the 7 people who read this site with any regularity, I want to apologize for the absence. I should be back to posting regularly within a few days. I traded the admin duties for a handle of cheap vodka and a carton of unfiltered Pall Malls thinking the rapture was coming. I still think I got the better end of the deal.

But seriously, I was car searching and starting a spring semester. I am taking Spanish, and was incorrect when I thought I could get a B just by knowing how to ask for beer and directions to the bathroom.

The car search was tougher than dollar store toilet paper, but we bought a brand new(ish) 2008 Impala. Thoughts on the OSU situation, Tigers, WNBA Draft, and more to come.

Good Night Sweet Prince

2011-05-30T09:28:00.003-04:00

JV throws a no-no

2011-05-07T19:20:00.000-04:00

As I was dicking around the internet waiting to hear some Michigan recruiting news, I had the Tigers' game on in the background. I was barely paying attention until I heard Rod Allen mention the unmentionable. So I turn the volume up, and check the ESPN gamecast. Perfect through 4. Alright, sweet.

A few innings go be with only a minor scare (The Edwin Encarnacion comebacker) and I am on the edge of my seat. Then the Michigan stuff starts happening. One commitment, then another. Cool, what a day. Then J.P. Arencibia works a 12 pitch walk. Motherfucker. Then Encarnacion grounds into the DP. Boom.

I get the feeling its gonna happen, and I remember that the Kentucky Derby is about to start. Meh. I'm not a Kentucky Derby guy. I just don't get it, maybe. A bunch of midets beating the shit out of horses just doesn't do it for me. I could see the same scenario in Tijuana for less money....And a happier outcome for everyone.

So the 9th starts, and Cooper swings first pitch, and "Uh-oh Rexy. I don't think this one's got the distance." 1 out.

John McDonald puts a minor scare into me as he grounds past a diving Verlander to Sizemore who throws to Miggy to beat him by 4 steps. 2 outs.

Up steps Rajai Davis. Normally this wouldn't scare me, but he played for Oakland. And Oakland has pissed me off all season. He works a 2-2 count before flailing at a pitch a foot outside. 3 outs. Holy Shi....sh-kabob. He did it. He pitched his 2nd no-hitter. He was one walk away from a perfect game. Wow.

Way to show Francisco Liriano how to do it...

America Bitches....

2011-05-02T09:04:00.000-04:00

Well Played, Lions. Well Played Indeed.

2011-04-30T11:18:00.000-04:00

I will give martin Mayhew and company this: They know how to keep me on my toes. They have made 3 picks, and all 3 picks have left me stumped. I already gave my thoughts on the Nick Fairley selection. I talked myself into liking it, assuming there was LB and CB help on the way. Instead, the Lions drafted a slot WR and gave up their 3rd and 4th rounders, and moved down in the 5th and 7th to draft a complimentary RB.

I didn't get it at first. I was bummed. If I haven't mentioned this before, I am a huge draft fan. I would rather watch the draft than the Super Bowl, World Series, Kentucky Derby, Royal Wedding combined. It is literally my favorite sporting event in the world. I read sites like Walter Football and Mocking the Draft year round. I can't wait 'til the 2012 mock drafts start rolling in. If I was a Mormon, I would make the NFL draft my second wife. So when I say I was bummed, I truly mean bummed. It's like studying for a test for one whole year, and getting an F.

I waited patiently as players like Akeem Ayers, Bruce Carter, Ras-I Dowling, and Aaron Williams came off the board. Then, like the first round, Minnesota drafts an unlikely player (this time ND TE Kyle Rudolph, a player I can't stand. Why, you ask? Cam Gordon's backpedal, that's why.) setting Detroit up with a top-notch CB. This time it's Brandon Harris. Harris would fill two needs:

He plays a position of need.
He would allow me to say "Tha U" without the slightest bit of irony.

Then the hammer drops......again. Titus Young. WR. Boise State.

A third WR? What's wrong with Bryant Johnson? Or getting Stef Logan more involved? And why in the mother-scrumpling fuck is Derrick Williams higher on the depth chart than Tim Toone? And besides, a player from Boise State in the second round? Yeah, since that worked out so well last time. I know, I know. I can't hold Gerald Alexander against Titus Young. Says who? What are you, the grudge police? I don't trust players from Boise State. I want one thing from Idaho. Potatoes.

But just as I start rationalizing it to myself. I figure with Megatron, Burleson, and Young, that will spread the defense to create holes for Jahvid Best. And besides, there will be plenty of defensive help in the 3rd and 4th. You know, the normal steps to dealing with grief. A few more picks go by, and I'm cool. I'm ok.

"There has been a trade. The Lions are on the clock." Eeeeeeeeee!!! Brandon Harris! Finally! DA U!!!!!

"The Lions select Mikel Leshoure. Running Back. Illinois."

I get the need for a RB to help Jahvid Best. I already covered it, in fact. I just assumed it would come after other needs were met. I am not one of the bloggers who pretends to know more than Martin Mayhew. I was excited when they drafted Ernie Sims, for crying out loud. But I have to question the lack of back seven help thus far. I know free agency was all funky this year, but man. Can Fairley play WLB?

But once again, I have talked myself into being kinda excited about it. Mikel Leshoure was rated as a top 3 RB almost unanimously. He weighs 230 lbs, and can be the "Thunder" to Best's "Lightning". Or whatever tired meme people come up with to call them. As long as Stafford can keep his ceramic shoulders intact, the Lions will have a pretty sick offense, right? Right? Sigh, I sure hope so...