Southern Step/Mom

When it's not the enemy doing the PASing

2015-01-18T20:27:00.000-08:00

I've talked before about how PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome) has done its number on our family in the form of Becca's mother, with Becca being the collateral damage. But the longer I've been a Step/Mom, the more I've realized that my experience with and knowledge of PAS makes me particularly aware of when I see it happening in other families. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on which way you look at it), God didn't grant me the grace to overlook PAS when it seeps into my own circle of friends and family. Having a friend or family member who actively PAS'es their child or children isn't like having different religious or political views from someone. I can overlook those differences, but actively and eagerly destroying your child's relationship with their other parent is not something I can overlook or forgive.

In my almost eight years of being a Step/Mom, I've come to surround myself with other women who are also stepmoms. All of my friends and I have started out as stepmoms without biological children of our own (childless stepmoms), but over the years, many women have come to have bio-children. Unfortunately through the years, some of these moms have also separated or divorced their partners. It's always sad to see a marriage fall apart, but one would think the experience of being a stepmom would make one more sympathetic and eager to encourage a relationship between their ex-partner and their child. Not so in some cases, unfortunately.

Many of us who have been fighting the Step/Mom fight have seen these types of mothers before. They're often our stepkids' mothers. These mothers are relentless in their battle to persecute and punish their ex-partner. They will stop at nothing to ensure everyone they come into contact with thinks their ex is a bad, bad man. Abuse claims are often made. Their weapon of choice is endless petitions to the family court overseeing their case. They also often claim their family court judge is biased against them, that they favor the father. Any reasonable person who has spent even a brief moment in family court knows this is a laughable notion at best. I've never heard of one custodial father who didn't face significant hurdles inside the courtroom in order to gain custody of his child/ren, even in cases where the mother was certifiable. But this type of mother, the one who seeks full custody of her child at all costs, will scream at the top of her lungs that her judge is unreasonable, biased, sexist, or all of the above.

Early on in my journey as a Step/Mom, I became friends with one such mother. We became friends long before her child was born; in fact, it was even before she married her now ex-husband. She was passionate about changing society's views on stepmotherhood and we also shared similar interests and political views. But, as these things sometimes go, she separated from her husband not long after her child was born. And suddenly, this man who had been proclaimed as an Amazing Father by her during their courtship and marriage was now Public Enemy #1.

I won't go into the details, mainly because I've tried to block most of them out. I don't doubt that her now ex is not the greatest guy on Earth, and he doesn't even sound like a particularly spectacular father. But, no one put a gun to her head and forced her to have a baby with him. Before a child is born, the woman has - for better or worse - all of the control. She willingly and eagerly chose to have a baby with him, yet now, because she was ready to move on and wanted her latest partner to be The Only Dad in Existence, she ramped up the PAS to ensure she would destroy any ounce of a chance her now ex had to exercise his right to be a father to their child.

She told me sob story after sob story as to why her ex was evil, why he was a terrible father who was causing permanent psychological harm to their child, why he was a horrible person, why she was most definitely not PAS'ing their child, and why she wished he would just take a dirt nap already and get out of their lives. She dragged him back to court endlessly, never satisfied with each court order that granted even less visitation and even more child support. She couldn't - or wouldn't - understand her role in all of this. That her dramatic sobbing at each exchange only made it even more traumatic for their child, that encouraging their child to call her latest partner Dad-like names was not appropriate, that her permissive parenting had a lot more to do with her child's acting out than anything that was happening at her ex's house. No, because that did not fit her narrative.

I finally had to sever my friendship with her because I could no longer support her. As much as I tried to separate my feelings about her PAS from my feelings about her as a friend, the fact remained that I simply could not overlook the extreme injustice she was doling out to her child. It would have been akin to me being friends with Becca's mom, despite all the hell she's put Becca and Ashley through, and that I would never be able to do. So, our friendship ended, but unfortunately from what I understand, her PAS'ing has not. And so another victim of PAS for the books.

Dear readers, if you truly love your child, that love will always outweigh your hate for your ex. If only some mothers would realize that and act accordingly.

The problem with being the present parent

2015-01-02T18:04:00.000-08:00

So sorry for my extended absence, dear readers. I promise it wasn't intentional - it's just that 2014 was quite the busy year at Tara. But have no fear, as one of my New Year's resolutions is to blog more, especially after the encouragement I received from one of the editors I work with through my actual job to write more. So, here it is!

So...the problem with being the present parent, you ask? What's that supposed to mean? Well, it occurred to me as I yet again, for the umpteenth time earlier this week as I had to set boundaries on the electronics Jade and Gabby received for Christmas, that there are some perks to being the absent parent. Ashley and I have had a rather interesting few months as the girls thought they were being sneaky online, only to realize that Mom and Dad know a lot more about the Internet than they do. As a result, there have been groundings, extra chores and a lot of time spent being the rule enforcer.

Here's a dirty secret of parenting no one bothers to tell you before you get into it - no one actually likes being the rule enforcer. Well, maybe some authoritarian parents do, but not most of us. It's hard work to put your foot down, say no, and stick to it. It's even harder when you work all day, come home to cook dinner, do dishes, do the laundry, AND be the rule enforcer. It would be a lot easier for all of us if Jade and Gabby just followed the rules all the time. But of course, preteens - especially preteens who love to be oppositional - are practically required to break rules. Which is all the more reason why it's so important to enforce rules and boundaries.

But, I'm not a perfect parent. Especially after a busy few months at work, combined with some health issues I continue to face, it's quite exasperating to be the present parent most days. So, do I lose my patience at times? Yes. Are there moments that I look back and go, "Alright, Southern Step/Mom, you could have totally handled that better." Of course there are. All this means there are times where the kids don't see me at my best. Just as with spouses, when you live day in and day out with someone, you see all sides of them - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

But when you're the absent parent, like Jade and Gabby's bio-mom Maggie, you get to be whatever your bio-kids choose to see you as. Some kids see their absent parent for who they are, but as I saw plenty of times when I worked in child welfare, it's easy for many kids to sanctify their absent parent. The kid comes up with any and every excuse in the book as to why the absent parent is really the "good" parent, because it's easy to ignore the parent's faults when they aren't in your face every day. It's easy to think that life would be so much better with the absent parent because the absent parent never has to enforce rules, set boundaries, or....well, be a parent.

This is why I firmly believe it's so much easier to give birth to a child than it is to be a mother. Any woman, theoretically barring any physical issues, can give birth, but to actually stick it out through the next 18 years and raise that child? Well, childbirth sounds a lot easier than people would have you think compared to 18 years of active child-rearing. Maybe it's not as physically painful, but it surely can't be any more emotionally trying.

So do I expect the girls to appreciate all Ashley and I do for them and sacrifice for them now? No, but I do hope that when they are adults, they realize that despite our faults, being the present parents takes guts, determination and an inner strength that no one really explains before you become a parent, and that they cut us a little slack for being imperfect.

When you can't let it go......

2013-12-02T23:35:00.000-08:00

As I've shared before, Becca's mom broke off her relationship with Ashley many years before I came along. She took Becca with her when she left. I won't get into the details of why she left as it's not my story to tell, but let's just say this was not a case of Ashley being a big jerk and she couldn't stand living with him anymore. Of course, she never explained to Becca why she left, and Ashley did not feel it was his place to tell Becca. I vividly remember one time when Becca and I were going to the store, Becca asked me why her parents broke up. I actually remember the exact intersection I stopped at when she dropped this bombshell. I told her it wasn't my place to tell her, and she should have that discussion with her parents. She became very upset, asking why it was fair for me to know and for her not to, even asking me if the scenario that actually happened is the story. I just kept repeating it was a discussion for her to have with her mom and dad, that I knew because it was a discussion between adults in a relationship to have, but that if she wanted to know, I would not be the one to tell her.

The sad thing is, Becca carried the burden of their breakup and the responsibility for her custody situation more than any child should have, because her mother put her in the role of friend and confidant rather than parent-child. Her mother openly bashed Ashley to her, allowed others to do the same, and actively cultivated relationships with members of Ashley's family that he made abundantly clear to her he did not want Becca interacting with them. Some of my in-laws are....well, difficult. That's the understatement of the century actually, but not the point of this post. Let's just say that as every family has their toxic members, Ashley has a bit more than most and we mutually agreed that these toxic members were dysfunctional and emotionally harmful enough to the girls that no contact was eventually the only option. We did not come to this decision lightly, mind you. Rather than respect Ashley's decision with his family members as he has with Becca's mom's family (we'll call her Laney from now on), Laney made it a point and has continued to do so to ensure Becca is surrounded by people who want nothing more than for Becca and Ashley's estrangement to continue because they know it is the easiest and most effective way to hurt Ashley.

I remember once Becca and I stayed up very late in deep conversation when she was at our house for one of our weekends, and she became very emotional. She confessed she blamed herself for not living with us full-time. She thought that because Laney asked her, a child too young to even be in preschool mind you, if she wanted to come with her when Laney walked out, that she chose her mom over her dad. Blinking back tears, I explained to her that she was a young child and it was no fault of her own, that Ashley did not blame her, and that we both loved her very much.

It broke my heart that Becca thought that any of it was her fault, and it also broke my heart that Laney's hatred of Ashley was and still is so deep that it actually overrides her love for their child. Of course, I have no doubt that Laney loves Becca very much, just as Ashley does. I'm sure in many ways, she is a good mother, and she certainly isn't the train wreck that Maggie is. But truth be told, I think that in many ways, Laney has done more damage to Becca than Maggie ever has to Gabby and Jade. While raising Gabby and Jade has been no walk in the park, they at least have had the benefit of being reared in a home with two parents who provide them with an example of a loving relationship. We don't badmouth Maggie to them or make them feel they should be ashamed of half of their genes or put them in a position where they feel they have to defend their other parent. They don't have to stay quiet about their positive feelings or feel that it's not OK to love their stepparent because Mom will be angry.

No, I don't care for Laney. She and I are so incredibly different from each other, we would never be friends in another life. We disagree on too many things to mention. But the difference is I never uttered an ugly word about her to her daughter. I encouraged Becca to have a good relationship with both of her parents and with her stepfather. I kept my personal opinions about Laney, her parenting style and her lifestyle choices to myself, even when Becca would occasionally bait me, because I love Becca more than I dislike Laney.

That's the message that gets lost when you can't let it go, when you continue to drag everyone in and out of family court for years, when you make snide comments about your ex in front of your child, when you scream at your ex in front of your child, all of which Laney was - and I have no doubt still is - a pro at doing. You don't have to be the Brady Bunch. No one has to be best friends or even like each other. You just have to keep that civil, business like tone. Put your child's best interests in front of your own.

That's what parenting is all about, right?

Holiday Time!

2013-11-27T21:14:00.000-08:00

Sorry for being MIA lately. It's been a few months of highs and lows at Tara. We moved into a new house (yay!), Jade and Gabby are doing well even though Jade is in her last year of elementary school (YIKES!), I finally finished graduate school (YAY YAY YAY!), and all in all, it's been happy chaos. We did however lose a family member over the summer, and of course even though Becca is now 18, she is still in the throes of PAS. Every year, all I can do is continue to pray and hope she will eventually come around.

Thankfully, this holiday season doesn't bring forth any blended family drama. My biggest upset is that we will not be going home to our Southern roots for Christmas due to me and Ashley's work schedules. But I well remember the holiday uproar, the even-wackier-than-usual visitation schedules, the fact that holidays do not always bring out the best in people.

I know it's hard, and I don't mean to sound trite. Sometimes the best you can do is disengage during the holiday season, and be thankful for what is and try to ignore what is not even though it should be. I found the less I involved myself with Ashley and Becca's mom's disagreements at this time of year, the less worked up I got and the happier I was. Happy wife, happy life, right? If you refuse to engage, she can't win. Don't get involved in a text argument. If the visitation plan falls through because your husband waited until the last minute to make arrangements, let it be. If the kids won't shut up about "Mom this" and "Mom that," I found a nonchalant, "Oh mmhmm? That's nice. Did you know cats are night vision?" always worked wonders. It sounds overly simple, doesn't it? But if you don't rent out space in your head, it's a lot easier to get through this emotionally charged season.

Oh, and whenever possible, try to work with your husband to create your own family traditions. If he doesn't see the need for this, continue poking and prodding until he gets it. It's OK for you to do things differently at your house than what the kids do at Mom's - in fact, it's healthy and normal. I think it's great for kids to be exposed to different traditions and ideas. If your husband doesn't encourage your role as Lady of the House.....well, that might need to be a topic for another post.

Wishing you and yours a most wonderful Thanksgiving, and to my Jewish friends, a joyous Hanukkah!

Can it really be over?

2013-05-15T21:08:00.001-07:00

Becca is 18 now.

Hold on, I'll let that really sink in for you.

Becca is an adult now. 18 years old. Legally the age of majority.

It is a surreal feeling. There is no active court order anymore. Ashley's days of paying child support are done. That (literally) Bible-sized file sitting in that horrid Family Courthouse is nothing more than documentation of 15 years of hell now. Becca's mom will actually have to terrorize her husband now instead of mine.

Heck, Becca's mom may actually have to get a job now since she can't live off my husband anymore. Imagine that!

Some old-timer Step/Moms will tell you it's never really over, that it never really ends. There are weddings, grandchildren, etc. that mean the bio-mom will always be there, lurking, trying to cause trouble.

I don't really believe that. I mean, I see the point. Evil never stops just being evil. But to not have to live through constant court sessions, threats of (more) false accusations, just hearing the shrill shrieking on the other end of the line anymore?

Hey, I'll take what I can get. Because if you take away court, you take away most of the power.

What's saddest to me is that 18 was no magic salve (at least yet), no truth serum for Becca to realize Dad and I are not evil people, that we're good people in fact who have continued to love her despite her mom's repeated and relentless attacks on what should be and once was a very good father-daughter relationship and stepparent-stepchild relationship.

This, simply put, is not how I envisioned we would spend her high school years. I still think of her as the young teenager she was when I last saw her. It does hurt when I realize just how much we've missed - Ashley, me, and her sisters.

If I could say anything to Becca now, it would be that I hope and pray she takes advantage of every opportunity that comes her way. To follow her dreams and not get sidetracked by boys, friends, and most importantly, what other people think. I would tell her that the sky really is the limit, and there's a whole big world outside her small town just dying to meet her, so she should take some time to travel and get to know herself.

And, I would tell her that there are two sides to every story, and it's time to hear ours.

The Hot Mess Express

2013-03-21T22:52:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that it's difficult, to say the least, for me to cut Jade and Gabby's bio-mom any slack. I'm a Christian woman, and my own mother often tells me I should love her for the sake of the girls, or that I should feel sorry for her because addiction is a terrible thing.

Addiction is a terrible thing. I'm certainly not trying to minimize the mental illness that it is. But Maggie, their bio-mom, goes so far beyond simple addiction. A pathological liar, a narcissist, a complete and total Hot Mess as I like to call it.

Her latest cry for attention is her incessant posting on Facebook, and she loves to act like Mother of the Year, in between her posts filled with profanity where she likes to go on about very motherly, mature things like sleeping around and dirty lingerie. Not to be outdone, she sprinkles those posts with how much she loves Jesus and how He has saved her life.

Basically, I would say she's an overgrown teenager, but I know teenagers that are better behaved than her.

I think my favorite recently was her post about how she's not just a mother, but a chauffeur, an alarm clock, a waitress, a referee, etc. She hasn't seen her children in almost nine years now, but yet she reposts a picture saying "Like if you will ALWAYS be there for your kids!" I often wonder just how far detached from reality she really is.

Don't worry, Maggie - you enjoy your Facebook time while I do the actual parenting. I've got it all taken care of.

President Obama, what are you REALLY going to do to encourage fatherhood?

2013-02-23T22:12:00.000-08:00

I've already outed myself as a Democrat, so you probably think I am a huge supporter of our President. While I like him and agree in general with many of his policies, there's one topic where he always seems to get it wrong - fatherhood. It feels like a Dan Quayle moment, where you just want to stop him from repeatedly putting his foot in his mouth, but it seems he really does believe what he preaches. Now, I do admire him as a father and husband; he and Michelle make a great parenting team. But the reality is I think he's very biased toward fathers and the "deadbeat dad" myth that it interferes with logic. Take for example his State of the Union address this year:

"...Because what makes you a man isn’t the ability to conceive a child; it’s having the courage to raise one.”

I agree with the concept, but why not just say parent? Why the focus on dads? I could say the exact same thing about Jade and Gabby's bio-mom. Unfortunately, their bio-mom is not the only noncustodial mother who fits the "deadbeat" stereotype. I couldn't say it any better than the Fathers & Families organization, a nonprofit that promotes shared parenting, whose Facebook page asked, "How exactly are we supposed to do this with 4 days a month VISITATION?"

It's a valid question. 50/50 parenting doesn't work in every scenario obviously. But when neither parent is abusive or dangerous, and they live relatively close to each other, there's no reason why Dad should only get every other weekend. However, in most family court systems around the country where according to the U.S. Census Bureau only 1 in 6 custodial parents is the father, Mom almost always winds up with more time. This is, of course, assuming Mom even informs Dad that he is a parent at all.

If President Obama really wants to enact change in the United States that will encourage fatherhood, he will encourage Congress to pass federal laws that set standards for family courts across the country. Parenting doesn't differ from state to state; the laws governing families shouldn't either. Mothers should be forced to disclose paternity except for in extreme circumstances (e.g. documented domestic violence, rape victims) so that children are not illegally placed for adoption (more on that in an upcoming post). While all parents have the responsibility to support their children, custody and visitation orders should be as vigorously enforced as child support orders are in most courts. A situation like ours with Becca should never happen, where Ashley's feet are held to the fire on his child support payments but yet Becca's mother has been repeatedly charged with contempt of court for violating the custody order and she has never received more than a slap on the wrist. When you reduce a father's role to be nothing more than a paycheck, you are discouraging fatherhood rather than encouraging it.

"I wish I had had a father who was around and involved." - President Obama, February 22, 2013

So do thousands of children across America, Mr. President. Stop the rampant abuse and bias in the Family Court system so fathers and their children can be reunited.

To have kids or not? The childless step/mom's dilemma

2013-02-03T23:43:00.001-08:00

As time goes on, I find more and more moms and dads popping up around me. The friends that I spent many a fun-filled night with, family members I grew up with, and even childhood friends - all of them seem to be joining the parent ranks. All of them, however, are joining the parent ranks the traditional way. I feel like I've been on the island alone for a few years, and now everyone's boats are invading. After all, because I became a Step/Mom in my last few years of college, I was the only one with kidlets to worry about - the token mom friend. Now, it seems every time I log into Facebook, someone else is announcing a pregnancy or showing off pictures of their little ones.

Don't get me wrong. I am over the moon excited for my friends and family. I love seeing baby pictures and buying baby clothes and accessories. I love playing Auntie Southern Step/Mom because I don't have any nieces or nephews to dote on. But, as my friends and family go through Babygate 2012-2013, it has led me to reflect on my own reproductive choices and has stirred up some memories and feelings that I haven't visited in a long time.

When people find out that I am the Younger Belles' (we'll start to call them Jade - Middle Belle - and Gabby - Youngest Belle - for clarity's sake) Step/Mom and that I don't have any children of my own, it's almost inevitable that the next question comes:

"I don't mean to be too personal, but are you and Ashley planning on having kids of your own?"

I never know how to answer this question. It's not because I don't know the answer; yes, Ashley and I would like to have a child of our own. It's because I never know how the other person will take it. Will they think I'm selfish for wanting a child that shares my DNA, that I can look into his or her eyes and see my own, that I can raise from birth without interference? Will they think I'm wanting a child of my own to put the other belles on the back burner, or will they think I'm being selfish because Ashley already has enough children to raise?

People often think they are being kind or giving gentle advice, but the truth is, it can cut me to the core. It seems that everyone has an opinion on my barren uterus and everyone feels entitled to voice it. I've had both family members and friends say to just enjoy being "like a mom" to Jade and Gabby, that we don't really need another child in our house, that we can't really afford it, that we already have enough to deal with especially with Jade and Gabby's issues, and why would we want to start over when they are already halfway out the house? I have sat while Ashley's friends have joked about "Not another kid!" to him while I bared and grinned it. I have listened to others joke about how we already have our hands full and don't need another one and pretended that it's hilarious to think that we would want to have a child of our own. I have even resorted to joking when people ask me if we want to have a child by saying that I'll just have a child and put him or her up for adoption at age 2 so that I can say I've been full circle since I've already done age 2 and up.

The truth is, it's not funny at all. The truth is, if I'm laughing about it, it's only because it is easier to laugh and pretend like I don't care than to actually show how deep it hurts. I'm selfless for raising these girls, but I'm selfish for wanting to have one of my own is the constant message so many people - friends, family, strangers, society - give me.

Jade and Gabby have always been enthusiastic about us having a baby. It was always Becca - Oldest Belle - that had an issue with it. She loved me, but she couldn't stand the thought of Ashley and I having a baby, even though her mom and stepdad also have a child of their own. There were times that her words literally drove me to tears because she was so hurtful in that thoughtless teenage way. But the most hurtful experience came from someone on my sidelines, a friend of mine.

One April Fools' Day years ago, Ashley thought it would be hysterical to post a sonogram picture on Facebook and to tell people that we were expecting. I'm good-natured and like a funny joke, so I played along. I didn't express to him, however, that I was a little reluctant because I was wary of one of the responses I gave above from one of his friends. A good friend of mine for many years was very excited about the possibility of us having a baby, and so she was very disappointed when we revealed it was a joke. She posted about her genuine disappointment on a mutual friend's wall. Our friend responded to the post by saying, "I told you not to get excited because it had to have been a joke! They have too many freaking kids already!"

I cried over that post for almost half an hour. It wasn't something I hadn't heard before, but it was the first time I had heard it from one of my friends. I expected that kind of thought process from my family, from Becca, from Ashley's friends and family. But to hear one of my own friends say it - it cut deep.

I never have confronted my friend about what she said. I doubt she realized that I saw it, and I didn't want to bring it up and make it even more awkward than I already felt. But if I'm being completely honest, I didn't want to find out if she knew that I would see it because that would hurt even more if she did it hoping I would see it.

As it stands, I do want a baby. I don't want a baby now, however, and if I am being completely honest, it is almost entirely because of how dependent Jade and Gabby are still on us and the magnitude of the issues they have because of their bio-mom's prenatal drug use and neglect. I can't help but acknowledge that if things were different, it's very likely if not certain that Ashley and I would already be expecting or have a little one of our own. This doesn't mean that I resent the belles - I would never place that burden on a child. It also doesn't mean that I resent Ashley and his past choices. I love my husband and recognize that his past - both the good and the bad - have made him the husband that I adore, and for that, I appreciate how it has made him into the man that I admire. I also acknowledge that I made this choice willingly - no one forced me to marry Ashley and become a Step/Mom. I did so of my own volition and happily so. It doesn't mean, however, that I haven't made choices that I probably wouldn't have otherwise, as in I probably would already be a bio-mom if it weren't for the realities of 100% custodial stepparenting. It doesn't mean that I want pity. I just want to be understood. I just want to not be judged for wanting to experience pregnancy, childbirth and traditional motherhood - some things that millions of women experience every day and are never judged for it. Why should I be any different?

When Ashley and I went to court to terminate Jade and Gabby's bio-mom's parental rights, I received a phone call that every woman dreads from her OBGYN's office. I was literally standing outside the courthouse the day of the final hearing, waiting for our turn, when my cell phone rang. My test results had come back abnormal and they wanted me to come in as soon as possible for additional testing to determine the cause. I sobbed as the worst case scenarios ran through my mind. Was it cancer? Would I need to have major surgery? Would I be able to have children? Then, I got angry. Here I am, terrified that I may never be able to experience the joy of having a child of my own as we waited to terminate the parental rights to a woman who gets pregnant and gives birth repeatedly with no caution, planning or concern, and then abandons her children over and over again. What kind of cosmic irony would that be for me to be destined to raise the children of a woman who gives birth so carelessly and takes advantage of the gift that would not bless me?

Luckily, it was just a scare and my doctor determined after additional testing that I was fine. But that fear, that pain, has seared my conscience. I know of women who have been dealt that card. I also know of women whose husbands said they wanted to have children with them, but years later changed their minds and decided that they were done with having children even though their wives had never been afforded that opportunity. How do you continue to put your trust in someone when the rules of the game have been changed? Is it OK to deem your wife "good enough" to raise your children, but to also tell her to stop being selfish for wanting a child of her own?

Why is it selfless to raise another's child, but selfish to want to bring another child into the picture? Why does everyone think it's OK to give their opinion, but for no one to consider that maybe their "cold, hard truth" is a little too cold and too hard for something as personal, intimate and life-changing as a couple's decision to have a child?

Just think - if everyone cared as much about their own reproductive choices as know-it-alls seem to care about mine, there would be a lot less abused, abandoned and neglected children in the world!

Long Distance Stepparenting

2013-01-11T17:06:00.001-08:00

I am very pleased to announce my first post from a guest writer! My amazing friend Sarah offered to share her experience as a stepmother whose stepdaughter lives far away from her and her husband, Charlie. I share Sarah's story in hopes of reminding my fair readers that it takes all kinds of stepparenting to make the world go round (that's how the saying goes, right?! I kid, I kid.) and that each type of stepparenting has its own challenges and blessings. I also empathize with Sarah as a fellow long-distance stepmother in my situation with Oldest Belle, and I hope Sarah's story provides all of you with great insight and understanding. Thank you, dear Sarah, for sharing your story!

Cheers, Southern Step/Mom

We weren’t always a long distance family. When I met my husband Charlie 5 years ago, he was fully custodial to a bubbly 4 year old girl. I fell in love with both of them almost immediately. I delighted in his use of Frizz-Ease in her unruly curls and the way he could get her to dissolve into giggles even when she was in the midst of a tantrum. I thought he was a fantastic partner and father. We had sporadic Date Nights, but for the most part we just all hung out together. Being part of a “family” felt natural and we settled into an easy household routine. One thing I especially loved about my stepdaughter Bridget was that she would eat anything I cooked; I considered myself unbelievably lucky to have this great kid in my life who wasn’t a picky eater.

Then Charlie, who is in the military, was temporarily moved from our city to the other side of the country for half a year. I was blessed at the time to be working from home, so I was able to accompany him. Bridget went to live 300 miles away with her mom. My relationship with Charlie deepened during that time, but my relationship with Bridget was nonexistent. I tried sending Christmas and birthday gifts to her. They were returned, unopened, with a comment passed through Charlie that Bridget’s mom was uncomfortable with it. She was also uncomfortable with me talking to Bridget on the phone.

When Charlie’s assignment ended and we returned to our city I was eager to resume a normal life with him and, of course, Bridget. But Bridget was...different. Sullen. ANGRY. She was also confused. She didn’t understand that she didn’t live with us anymore, that living with her mom was permanent and she was only visiting. She acted out and Charlie allowed it. Things she NEVER would have gotten away with before were now perfectly fine. She picked at her dinners and hated anything placed in front of her, even foods she had gobbled up less than a year prior. Charlie accused me of deliberately making unusual dishes and acted as if spaghetti was haute cuisine. Any attempt I made to discipline her was undermined, often in front of her.

What had happened to our easy household routine, to our family? Every night I looked forward to her bedtime so that I could sneak some quality time in with Charlie, but bedtime never came. He hadn’t seen Bridget in so long that he couldn’t bear to put her to bed at night and refused say no to any request from her, but it was coming at the cost our relationship. Charlie and I started arguing about petty household issues, about discipline, about EVERYTHING. My life was being run by a 5-year-old who demanded ice cream cones and fast food twice a day and stayed up until 1 a.m. My husband indulged every whim and shouted at me if I tried to rein them in. When Bridget returned to her mom, my husband retreated to his workshop and sulked for days, refusing to talk to me, only staring blankly at the wall and saying how awful his life was without Bridget. I felt rejected as a stepparent and dismissed as a wife.

I told myself that we all just needed time to adjust to this new arrangement and that things would improve. I prayed to have my loving partner back. I prayed to have the little girl I loved so much back. I prayed to have my family back.

Every other weekend, we spent 6 hours in the car on Saturday morning and another 6 hours in the car on Sunday afternoon to have her for one night. Charlie would keep her up all night trying to squeeze in every possible moment of fun time and then she’d pass out in the car on the way home. Attending a birthday party or school play required taking vacation days and a hotel stay in Bridget’s city – assuming, of course, that we were invited to attend those things at all. Sometimes we simply could not afford it and we missed important events.

It started wearing all of us down so Charlie and his ex-wife agreed to decrease visitation to one weekend a month instead, usually whatever school holiday Bridget had so that we could have more time with her. I stopped going on the drive so that Charlie and Bridget could have alone time in the car and, quite honestly, I needed the time to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the hurricane of commotion in our home that comes with having a child you can't parent in a "traditional" way in your care. By that, I mean the custodial agreement didn't truly allow for us to enjoy both the normal fun and the gentle discipling that comes with traditional parenting when you have a child with you for more than an extended weekend here and there.

Bridget’s mom remarried last summer. Her new husband, who is also in the military, is stationed over 1000 miles away. Our long distance family suddenly got a LOT more distant. Visits now require a plane ride, a lot of planning and a fairly substantial amount of money. One weekend a month has turned into one weekend every three to six months. Bridget has her own life in her new city and I feel like I barely know her anymore. She seemed to go from preschooler to tween in the blink of an eye and I’ve missed out on most of it. She tells me she can’t recall a time when I wasn’t a part her life, but I don’t FEEL like part of her life. I don’t feel like a family anymore.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t know if we’ll ever be close to each other again, physically or emotionally. I don’t know that I’ll ever feel like part of a family again, but I’m still praying for it.

Uh oh! It's "big girl" time!

2013-01-04T16:22:00.000-08:00

Don't tell Ashley, but it seems we're about to start this rocky roller coaster called puberty at Tara. Last month, we escaped town for the weekend and while we were waltzing around a theme park, I noticed Youngest Belle looked like she might be getting ready for training bras soon. Then the other night, Middle Belle approached me with "Mom, I need to talk to you about something in private." It seems Youngest Belle may not be alone in her new wardrobe addition.

It's a really weird experience to be a Step/Mom in a situation like this. I absolutely DREAD going to new doctors for this exact reason. I know way more about my husband's ex-wife's pregnancies and birthing experiences than I ever needed to know, for the record. Then the doctors ask awesome questions about bio-mom's puberty experience. Really??? Do I LOOK like I would know the answers to these questions? Hold on, lemme dial her up real quick and see what happened, even though I've only spoken to her once in the past six years. Wait, now that you mention it, she DID leave a detailed medical history before checking out. Seriously?!

So, your guess is as good as mine as to what we can expect as the girls become young women and when we can expect it. It's a good thing I paid attention in my biology classes is all I have to say.

It's also an entirely different experience going through this as a custodial Step/Mom than when I went through this with Oldest Belle as a noncustodial Step/Mom. Part of me is grateful that Oldest Belle trusted me enough to ask all sorts of questions, things that she blatantly admitted she did not feel comfortable asking her mom about (and of course Dad was totally off-limits), even if it was sometimes uncomfortable/awkward for both of us. But it's nice to know that I can guide the girls through this rocky road without the interference of a bio-mom, my sister-in-law, and my mother-in-law, all of whom thought I was totally incompetent in handling such issues and liked to question my competency in front of Oldest Belle. Of course since I was just Dad's fiancee and never gave birth to any children, I clearly don't understand basic biology, let alone be trusted to explain such issues to a preteen.

Of course, with the younger belles' developmental delays (thanks, bio-mom!) and Middle Belle's...sensitive emotional psyche, shall we say, I ~~think~~ know we are in for a rough ride as puberty approaches. Therefore, Southern Step/Mom is gleefully accepting any and all gifts of alcoholic refreshments that may make this road a little easier. These girls are going to give me hell, bless their hearts.

Why mental health care and child welfare reform matter in a post-Newtown world

2012-12-17T01:13:00.000-08:00

My heart could not have been heavier when I heard about the Newtown shootings from a coworker on Friday. As I read the stories, I cried at my desk and had the undeniable urge to go pick up the Younger Belles from school, even though I logically knew they were fine. My thoughts and prayers are with the children's families and friends, along with the family and friends of the brave women in the school who also perished. I cannot imagine that community's grief.

But I'm also a problem solver by nature. So I had to ask, where do we go from here? How can I feel comfortable letting the belles go back to school? How can I avoid another scenario where I have to look my 9 year old belle in the eye and tell her I can't say for certain that it could never happen in her school?

The gun debate is already going in full force, so I won't address that here. Besides, I think the larger problem is what have we done to our children?

"...we come to realize that we bear responsibility for every child, because we’re counting on everybody else to help look after ours, that we’re all parents, that they are all our children." - President Barack Obama

Yes, we are all parents. If this tragedy has taught us anything, it is that we are all parents - stewards of children - in some way. I have seen on social media my childless friends grieve, my childfree friends grieve, everyone from my friends who are elementary school teachers to my friends who are single with no children.

It's because this tragedy goes beyond biology. I didn't have to give birth to feel the undeniable pain and anger at the thought of, "What if it were me? What if I were one of those poor parents?" The brave women who literally laid down their lives for these children did not have to birth these children to give their lives for them. At least one was a stepmother like me, and a few did not have children of their own.

As the custodial stepmother to two children who have mental health concerns, and as someone who works with children in the child welfare system, I have been screaming for years for serious child welfare reform. The harsh reality is that even if you're middle class, employed, considerably educated and more or less financially stable with health insurance, if you have a child who has any type of developmental, neurological or behavioral issue, you may think your health insurance will be enough. It won't be. You will face an uphill battle on finding professionals who will work with you and are qualified and willing to listen to your concerns and take them seriously. Then, if you're fortunate to even get that far, you will have to convince your insurance company that if you don't deal with this now, they are sentencing you to life with a ticking time bomb also known as puberty and its onset of hormones. If you can even get that far, you will continue to struggle and pay dearly for quality care. Then, it's a guessing game as to whether or not any of it will even work.

This is all of course assuming that you don't suffer from any mental health issues of your own and that you have enough education and background to know how to navigate any of this properly. What happens to those who don't?

I can tell you exactly what happens. They wind up in my office. They are the children who don't have mental health issues but who are in the foster care system because their parents are drug addicts. He is the teenager who haunts my memory all the time because he came and told me goodbye less than a week before he put a bullet through his head as a final message to the caseworker, judge and parents who failed him. They are the countless children I have encountered whose parents chose abusive partners and drugs and/or alcohol over being a parent.

Do you know what happens to these children? With any luck, they get adopted by people who love them and have been waiting for them. Many transition into independent living and become successful adults. Some go home eventually to a rehabilitated parent. But many, many others wind up on the streets. Homeless, desperate, with little resources. They turn to drugs and violence. They get pregnant or get their equally unstable partners pregnant. And the cycle starts again.

I have for the most part gotten over my initial anger at the younger belles' bio-mom. I'm not a perfect human being, and I'm protective of my girls, so some anger is still there. But after working in child welfare, I have a different perspective on her than I once did. Coming from a family wrought with addiction and mental illness with no good examples of responsible parenting, how could I have expected her to be a responsible mother? How could I honestly think she could step up and be a mother when she had no example to follow?

It starts with adequate funding. Paying social workers their true worth, ensuring the system and its partner agencies have enough funding to where decisions are made based on what's in the child's best interest rather than what will cost the state the least amount of dollars. It starts with proactivity rather than reactivity. Understanding that poverty does not equal bad parenting, but that poverty can lead to bad decisions which can lead to bad parenting. It starts with making funding for children with mental health issues across socioeconomic boundaries a priority, and with making children who are in the state's care a priority. It starts with understanding that in times of economic crisis when funding is slashed for mental health care and child welfare is when we need that funding the most.

It starts with you. That old cliche saying has some truth right now, because if it doesn't start with you, then where does it? We must stop passing the responsibility onto the next person's shoulders and realize that if we don't fix this now with our children, it will only get worse.

Don't let these babies in Newtown's deaths be in vain, nor the deaths of the children I have met who have passed on whether by their own hand or someone else's, nor the deaths of the hundreds of youth we lose each year to gang violence. The cycle stops now. Because they are all our children.

Ann Romney: Does addressing mothers count as addressing stepmothers too?

2012-09-04T17:09:00.002-07:00

I try to leave politics off my blog because I realize that it’s a polarizing topic and I strive to not alienate my readers. However, the Republican National Convention last week in Tampa unknowingly gave an interesting view into how many people in this country view alternative forms of parenting, and it deserves to be addressed.

I shouldn’t go any further without being honest – much to Ashley’s dismay, I am a registered Democrat. I don’t always vote within party lines or agree with every portion of the party platform. However, I am a liberal, especially on social issues, so my view of the current GOP and their policies toward women is not very positive to begin with.

With that being said, Ann Romney’s speech piqued my interest. I have nothing against the woman personally, other than I think she is a bit naïve and out of touch regarding how most women in this country live. I think she’s very admirable, especially with all of her medical battles, and I don’t begrudge her for being a stay-at-home parent. Because she comes across as genuine to me, I wanted to hear her speech in the hopes of seeing a different side of Mitt Romney.

But what I got out of it was what I like to call “Mommy Superiority Syndrome.” Some of the gems of her speech:

“I want to talk to you about that love so deep, only a mother can fathom it. The love that we have for our children and our children's children.”

“And if you listen carefully, you'll hear the women sighing a little bit more than the men. It's how it is, isn't it? It's the moms who have always had to work a little harder to make everything right. It's the moms of this nation, single, married, widowed, who really hold the country together. We're the mothers. We're the wives. We're the grandmothers. We're the big sisters. We're the little sisters and we are the daughters.”

“You are the best of America. You are the hope of America. There would not be an America without you. Tonight, we salute you and sing your praises!”

Hmmm….so according to Ann – and this is a statement I have heard from many people, not just her – only a mother can fathom the deepest love there is. It’s similar to the statement, “You don’t know true love until you have a child.” According to Ann, it’s the moms of the United States who keep America together. The single mothers, the married mothers, the widowed mothers. The grandmothers. The wives. The sisters.

Does any of this sound familiar to you? You might recall my Mother’s Day reflections that in an aisle full of cards acknowledging Mother’s Day for mothers, for grandmothers, for mothers-in-law, for wives, for sisters, for aunts….. there was not one card for a stepmother.

You might say – as some have on Facebook on mutual friends’ postings, “Oh Southern Stepmom, why are you getting so upset about this? She was trying to be positive! She probably meant stepmothers too – stepmothers are like mothers, and you can’t break down every type of mother there possibly is so as not to offend anyone! Here she is – trying to make positive statements about women, and you’re just tearing her down, you big mean liberal!”

If Ann had meant to include stepmothers or to infer that mother applies to all women who take care of children, she could have easily said stepmothers when she referred to many types of mothers in the second quote. She could have not broken down the types of mothers at all. Or she could have not blatantly said – only a mother understands; because of mothers, there is an America.

Do I think Ann Romney hates stepmothers? No. Do I think she, like most people in America, thinks that in order to be a mother, you have to physically bring a child into this world? Yes, I do.

You may say I’m thin skinned. You may say I’m a liberal who hates Mitt Romney and wouldn’t have voted for him anyway no matter what his wife said. You may say everyone’s too concerned about being PC these days and I need to stop being such an angry woman.

If I were thin skinned, I would not have survived almost six years of being a stepmother. There is little that would have convinced me to vote for Mitt Romney, but if his wife had acknowledged me and the other 14 million stepmothers to minor children in this country, I would have definitely gained a lot of respect for him. I probably am an angry woman, but I’m an angry woman for a reason.

I have had many people praise me for my sacrifices and how I have reared my two younger belles. I don’t do it for the praise. I do it because those two kids need me. They needed a mother in their lives because their bio-mother couldn’t do it/chose not to do it herself. Yes, there are days when I want to tear my hair out. There are days when I wish the burden was a little easier, or that my husband and I could enjoy more than 3 overnight trips away by ourselves in six years. There are days when I wonder if they will ever appreciate anything that I have done for them.

But, I don’t expect you to feel sorry for me, as one person suggested. I don’t want a glowing review of my parenting. A simple thanks from my girls, or even perhaps their bio-mother one day, would be nice. But I don’t expect people to bow down at me for what I have done. It was my choice, not my obligation.

But what I would really like is for my relationship with the two girls I have raised to mean something to a school or to a doctor’s office without requiring a legal paper trail or a lengthy and expensive adoption process. I would like for my role as a de facto parent to be acknowledged in the eyes of the law, not to be considered the legal stranger to them that I am considered to be now.

That’s right, folks. My only connection to those girls that I have loved as my own and have been expected to love as my own is through my husband. I am Dad’s wife. If something were to – heaven forbid – happen to my husband tomorrow, the only connection I have to them would be severed. The state could take them from me. I would have to file for guardianship, which could be contested by the state or by any relative. If we were to – heaven forbid – divorce, I would be facing an uphill legal battle for visitation, and most states don’t even allow stepparents to petition for visitation, much less grant it.

The ugly assumptions people make about stepmothers, the ridiculous assertions people make about us – that’s all relative, but not really even the point. The point is that if Ann Romney didn’t have to specify stepmothers because stepmothers are considered valuable women in America, if motherhood wasn’t defined by biology, then there would be cards for stepmothers on Mother’s Day. There would be features on national news outlets about inspiring stepmothers on Mother’s Day, just as there are about stepfathers on Father’s Day. And most importantly – I would have legal protection for the role I play every day. I wouldn’t be “just the stepmother.” It would be me that was holding the country together too.

Happy Stepmother's Day!

2012-05-20T13:39:00.003-07:00

Today is Stepmother's Day, a legally recognized holiday established in 2000 when a young girl requested for a special day for stepmothers around the United States. This holiday is always celebrated the Sunday after Mother's Day.

While I think it is extremely important for stepmothers to be recognized for the tremendous sacrifices they make and the love they bestow upon children they didn't give birth to, I always have mixed feelings about Stepmother's Day. To me, if stepmothers were truly honored and revered in society, there would be no need for a separate day - stepmothers could be honored alongside mothers on Mother's Day. But, I know every family and their preferences are different. I wouldn't want dear Ashley to honor me on Stepmother's Day with the younger belles because I'm not really their stepmother anymore. I mean, technically I am, but I have been raising them for so long, it seems silly to still refer to myself as their stepmother unless it's important for legal purposes. Most people in our daily lives now aren't even aware that I'm their stepmother.

However, I am still a stepmother to Oldest Belle. And in that spirit, I think it's important to address today why I'm not an active stepparent anymore to her.

Once upon a time, Oldest Belle's mother followed the visitation plan pretty well. We had Oldest Belle in our home every other weekend, some holidays and for the summer. Things were never perfect between her mother and Ashley, but it seemed that the tense years after their split had finally died down. Oldest Belle's mom was never too happy with my role in her life. Actually, if you had asked her, she would say I never had a role at all. She preferred to think of me and Ashley as glorified babysitters rather than active parents. The problem was the closer that Oldest Belle and I got, the harder her mom would make our relationship. Never mind that I had zero interest in replacing her, but I was a Capital T Threat.

The change was noticeable. Oldest Belle started backtalking me more. She began being outright rude to my family at various family functions, people who had loved her and embraced her as another family member without question. When Ashley sat Oldest Belle down to talk to her about her unacceptable behavior and told her she was not going to disrespect me - her stepmother who loved her dearly - she replied that "Southern Step/Mom isn't my stepmother!" as we weren't married at that time. This coming from a child who had been calling me her stepmother for years at this point. It was then that I realized that there was a lot of bashing of me and Ashley going on at her mother's house, more than we had previously realized.

Shortly after this, we found out that Oldest Belle's mother had been plotting to bring Ashley back to court again, for the umpteenth time over 11 years by then. She also had convinced Oldest Belle that she should testify against Ashley in court, fabricating whatever necessary in order to prove her loyalty to her mother. Ashley and her mother did go back to court over Oldest Belle one last time, and the judge refused to change anything in regards to custody. Oldest Belle's mother made it clear to Ashley then that she would not cooperate with visitation any longer, and Ashley had already brought her back to court several times by then to charge her with contempt for violating the parenting plan, only for the judges to do nothing. Her punishments were nothing more than a "slap on the wrist," a "Don't do it again" warning.

So at that point, what do you do? Most people say to continue fighting, to not give up. But what damage does that continue to do to the child when there's a parent who is unrelenting in her quest to destroy the relationship between the other parent and the child? Do you continue bringing the other parent to court, giving her more ammunition against you? Or do you back off and hope that when the child gets older, they'll understand that you backed off in hopes that the other parent would stop psychologically abusing them for simply loving you?

For more information about Parental Alienation Sydrome, here is a great introductory article. (http://fact.on.ca/Info/pas/walsh99.htm)
"Any attempt at alienating the children from the other parent should be seen as a direct and willful violation of one of the prime duties of parenthood...It is our feeling that when attempted PAS has been identified, successful or not, it must be dealt with swiftly by the court. If it is not, it will contaminate and quietly control all other parenting issues and then lead only to unhappiness, frustration, and, lastly, parental estrangement."

A letter to my girls on Mother's Day

2012-05-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

"Once there were two women who never knew each other. One you do not remember, the other you call Mother...The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it. The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it." - Unknown

This is the sixth Mother's Day we've now shared together, and I hope you know how each year, you make it more special for me. I know as you get older, you'll probably have some more questions about our family and about you and me. I feel like today is a good day for me to explain why the special things you and Daddy do for me on Mother's Day mean so much, so that maybe when you are older, you'll understand better.

See, I don't know what you looked like when you were born. I mean, I DO, but not from memory, just from pictures I've seen. I don't remember the feeling of you kicking inside me that everyone says is pretty cool, but I have no first hand knowledge of. I can't tell you what your first word was, or when you took your first step. I don't know when you got your first tooth, and I don't remember your first cry. I don't know any of these things because when I met you, you were two towheaded toddlers.

And I didn't have a clue about parenting. I was terrified, actually. I didn't do much babysitting growing up, and I didn't have any siblings, so I didn't know what I was doing. I'm pretty sure I had only changed a diaper twice in my life before I met you. I'd never really been responsible for anyone other than myself before, so I didn't really know what to do, and I made a lot of mistakes. See, when people have babies the "traditional" way, they at least get nine months to prepare. There's also lots of books on how to be a good parent that you usually get time to read before you become a parent. But with you two, I didn't get any prep time. So as Daddy and I were trying to work our way into our relationship, you girls needed a mom pronto, so I had to learn along the way. Actually, I'm still learning!

But yes, I can't tell you any of those things you did before I met you. I haven't a clue what you were like as babies. But I do remember the look of pride on your face as you graduated from Pre-K. I remember the first time you called me Mom. I remember how much I cried after I put you on the bus to Kindergarten. I remember when you lost your first tooth and how terrified I was that you'd see me sneaking into your room to play Tooth Fairy. I remember you telling me "I'm OK, Mom! Bye!" when I dropped you off at your new class. I can sing every Disney Channel theme song from the past five years. I took you on your first plane ride and remember how you beamed with excitement when you got your pilot wings. I remember holding you as you cried the first time a friend broke your heart and trying to keep my own tears at bay. All of these things I remember, and I carry with me in my heart, because you are important to me. I didn't have to give birth to you to care about you and to remember all of the little milestones of your life.

I hope when you are older, you will know how much I cried from joy and relief the day the judge said I could adopt you. It was one of the best days of my life. See, I think there is something special about being chosen. I may not have given birth to you, but I have chosen to be your mom. Because I want to, because I love you. You are so special that God led me right to you. That is something to truly cherish, especially when you have doubts about me or us or our family.

I know you will have questions about your biological mom one day. I don't know why things happened the way they did, and I can't answer that because I wasn't there and I don't know her. But I will say this - sometimes, some people know the best thing they can do for their children is to have someone else be their parent. It doesn't mean you are not a good kid or that you are not loved - it means that you are so special that you deserve parents who can take care of you. I can only guess that she must have known that Daddy and I were the best parents to do that.

Our family will probably change as the two of you get older. Daddy and I would like to have a baby in a few years, but I hope you understand that it doesn't mean I will love you any less. If anything, I will love you more because you've taught me how to be a mom. I have the two of you to thank for that. And I wouldn't change any of it for the world.

I love you both,
Mom

"Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own. Never forget for a single minute, you didn't grow under my heart - but in it." - Fleur Conkling Heylinger

Who am I? Making sure step/life doesn't consume you.

2012-01-15T00:02:00.000-08:00

It's getting close to the five-year mark over here at Tara. Yes, that's right - I've been a Step/Mom for almost five years now. However, I'm thoroughly convinced that Step/Mom Years are like dog years, so that means I've been a Step/Mom for 35 years, right?

Being a stepmother is definitely not for the faint of heart, but I can say with absolute certainty that it's been an overall rewarding experience so far. A question I get often is, "How do you do it? How do you have such PEACE about it? How do you not let it overwhelm you?"

Well, there were definitely times where it DID overwhelm me. There were times when I did not fully understand the magnitude of the responsibility I hold. There were times when I wanted to lock myself in my room with a bottle of wine, a fluffy blanket and Alanis Morrissette on repeat. There were times when Ashley and I both had questions as to whether our relationship could survive every awful test that was thrown at us. There were times - and STILL ARE - that I question if I'm a good parent. But, there are some keys to not only surviving, but thriving through these times. I'm very thankful to be blessed with a wonderful husband and a great life, and I'm excited to see what the many years ahead bring us. I joke sometimes about how I should be a saint for surviving step/life, but the truth is I really love my life and wouldn't change it. Here's what has worked for me in thriving through step/life.

1) A solid relationship with my husband. Let's face it. You're going to have enough issues with a step-situation; the key is to minimize drama with your partner as much as possible. As a Southern belle, I am prone to dramatics, so sometimes I have to remind myself that picking a fight with my husband because I'm aggravated with the kids, with work, with school, whatever is not going to solve anything. I also have to remind myself that sometimes even when I know best (which is most of the time), I have to keep my mouth shut and let him figure it out on his own (he usually does).

There are two main components to our marriage working, and I personally feel that a lot of the responsibility in a relationship or marriage where there's a step-situation relies with the bio-parent - We put our marriage first. The belles know that they are important to us obviously, but the best way we can show the girls the importance of a healthy relationship is to demonstrate one. If we are not meeting our duties as a spouse, it can cause a lot of resentment and tension that affects the entire family. He has always respected and demanded respect of my role. Whether it's been with the belles, the bio-moms, or the in-laws, Ashley has never wavered in making sure everyone involved understood that I have a valid, important role in the girls' lives and that I was not to be treated otherwise. Now, whether or not I have always been treated that way by the others in the step-situation....I'm sure you can guess as to how that turned out. But, his disapproval of any disrespect toward me was duly noted!

Mostly, however, we make sure that our life doesn't revolve around the step-situation. This is of course much easier now that we are (hopefully! *knocks on the closest piece of wood*) done with the trials and tribulations of Family Court. But our life revolves around doing activities and outings with the kids, taking vacations and spending time with each other, discussing sports, politics and religion (all of which we argue about), and enjoying each other's company. We don't discuss the step-situation that often anymore, usually only when necessary, and that allows our relationship to be about us and not being comrades in battle. There's a definite peace and sense of normalcy that comes with that, and it's very freeing.

2) I genuinely like the belles and enjoy my role in their lives. I know this one isn't always easy, and I don't think it's a requirement, but it definitely makes step/life easier if you can achieve it. Even with Oldest Belle, with whom my relationship with has changed dramatically in the past 2.5 years, I try to remind myself of the good times and her positive attributes (of which she has many). As for the younger belles, well now that I'm Mom for all intents and purposes, it's made it a lot easier for me to be a Step/Mom. In fact, I often forget I am "just" Step/Mom, seeing as I've been raising them for so long. This doesn't mean that we're always happy with each other or that I always get along with them. It does mean there's an overall solidity to our relationship, and that's important.

I more than anyone know that sometimes it can be difficult to enjoy your role in your stepkids' lives. I wish I had the opportunity to still be the involved Step/Mom I once was to Oldest Belle before PAS took over (PAS is a deeply involved topic that will be discussed in a separate post). Sometimes, no matter how hard you try however, it simply isn't that way. Which leads me to my next topic.....

3) Accepting it for what it is. This is something that has taken me a L-O-N-G time to get to. I still have my struggles with acceptance every once in a while. But it is so important and a key to your sanity. I have come to realize that acceptance is not allowing yourself to be a doormat and letting everyone else have a say in your life. It is having conviction that you are doing the best you can in the situation you've been given, and the understanding that the only person you have the power to change is yourself.

I cannot change the negative feelings others have about me and my role as a Step/Mom when they do not understand the full situation. I cannot go back in time and make the younger belles' bio-mom care enough about her unborn children to not abuse drugs during her pregnancy. I cannot force Oldest Belle's bio-mom to recognize the important and crucial role my husband holds as their daughter's father, especially during these teenage years. I cannot make my Oldest Belle appreciate her father's contributions to her life. I cannot force other people to understand the importance of fathers and equal parenting. I cannot change the broken and corrupt family court system in this country. I cannot make my in-laws sane. AMEN!

BUT, I can change myself. I can accept those things that I cannot change, and I can try my hardest to enact good out of the bad. I can educate others about step-situations, I can offer support and guidance to others in similar situations, I can donate to causes I believe in that may change these situations for families like ours in the future. I can't change everything, but I can appreciate the lessons the challenges have taught me and I can use these lessons to make myself a better wife and parent.

4) Having a solid support system. I have been immensely blessed with a strong support system of other women who are also Step/Moms. These women have offered prayers, hugs, guidance and a cheering section when I needed one the most. There have been times when no one else could understand how I felt, but they did because they had been through it themselves. Knowing others who "get it" is something that cannot be understated. It's sustained me when I didn't think things could get any worse. It's rewarded me when I had people to share the wonderful positives with. Their friendship and love has been so crucial to me that I can't begin to fathom how other women go through step-life without such a support system.

5) Not defining myself as only a Step/Mom. Being a Step/Mom takes up a LOT of my time, but I've always tried to ensure it doesn't take up ALL of my time. I'll be honest - I'm not a huge fan of women who only define themselves as "Mommy." Being a Mom is definitely one of the most important roles I'll ever have, but I didn't stop being Southern Step/Mom just because I became a parent. I'm a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a cousin, a friend. I'm a sorority sister, a coworker, a graduate student. I'm a dancer, a writer, a reader, a singer. You get the idea. I've continually pursued other interests throughout my step/life that have nothing to do with being a Step/Mom because it's important. I want my girls to know that there is so much more to being a woman than being a parent.

6) My faith. I'll admit. I'm not the type of person you'll find screaming praises everywhere. I'm the first to say I'm not anywhere close to being the perfect Christian. There have definitely been times where I've lapsed, where I've shaken my fist in anger at God for the situations we've been thrown in. However, I can't discount the significant peace I've gotten from quiet reflection, prayer and mediation. Sometimes when I can't get a handle on the acceptance I preached about earlier, I turn it over to a higher power because I can't handle it by myself. I don't think a particular faith is a prerequisite for surviving and thriving in step/life, but I do think that having some type of faith or moral code to turn to is important.

Are there some tips from the pros you'd like to share? Things you agree or disagree with? Feel free to let me know!

Didn't survive the holidays? Tips for next year!

2012-01-12T20:02:00.000-08:00

I think it goes without saying that getting through the holidays as a Step/Mom can be one of the most draining, dramatic facts of steplife you'll ever encounter. Most of the time, getting through the holidays (and endless custody exchanges) is enough to send any sensible woman running and screaming....at least to the nearest bottle of wine. How do you fit in time with the kids and your families while also making sure everyone is supposed to be when they're supposed to be there? Will the bio-mom follow the custody order, or will she make a last-minute attempt to change the game plan? Can you and your husband or significant other make it through the holidays without killing each other? These are all important, valid questions in steplife.

The first step - as with almost any step-situation - is to ensure you have a workable custody order that is painfully specific. So many times, attorneys and/or judges will throw in vague language such as "The father is entitled to reasonable holiday visitation." What is reasonable? Who defines it? I can almost guarantee that most people get divorced or break up because neither one can agree on what is reasonable in any situation. Why then would you assume that you can both agree on reasonable after a divorce?

I'll give Ashley and Oldest Belle's bio-mom credit where credit is due. They have a pretty solidly defined and reasonable custody order when it come to holiday visitation. The issue has always been getting Oldest Belle's bio-mom to actually follow the custody order, but bless her heart, she tries. That's what I tell myself in my finer Christian woman moments at least. But, the idea for the parents to "swap" holidays every year is a pretty good one in my opinion. Basically one parent gets Christmas, for example, with the child every even year, and the other parent gets the child on the odd years. This plan ensures no day of the holiday custody exchanges. This is good for two reasons - everyone gets to enjoy the full holiday without being in a car all day, and you don't have to see your ex (or your husband's ex) on a holiday. You have to see the goodness in the little things, right?

The second step is to stick to the plan. I will admit that in some step-situations, both sets of parents (the bio-parents and their spouses or partners) get along wonderfully and can easily deviate from the custody plan without too much commotion. However, if you are in a step-situation where one party does not want to work with the other or takes advantage of the situation (e.g. always asking to change the schedule but never agreeing to changes the other party proposes), it is simply best to stick to the plan. You may think you're being reasonable and you're showing the child or children involved that Mom and Dad can work together. Well, that's good in theory. But, in practice, it's not always the best approach. I am a huge believer in boundaries. Boundaries are so critical in any step-situation (I promise this is a topic you will get sick of me discussing, but it's because it is so very important). The court order is there for a reason - follow it! It serves everyone's best interests because it ensures the child or children involved are getting the time they deserve with both of their parents. When you deviate from the plan, it opens the door for more deviation in the future, usually on an increasingly larger scale. At what point do you say no? Don't let yourself get into that situation - say no from the beginning, and you'll never have to worry about your good nature being taken advantage of.

It really can be a peaceful and happy holiday season. You just have to plan in advance. And if plans still fall apart......well, in my opinion, there's nothing a nice bottle of Moscato can't fix.

Gabrielle Giffords and an inspiring, positive Step/Mom story

2011-11-15T00:44:00.000-08:00

It's not often that I stumble across stepmother stories that are not only realistic but actually celebrate a step/mother's contribution to her family, so you can imagine my delight when I read this story about U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords and her own Southern Belles-in-Training.

You're likely familiar with Rep. Giffords from the horrific shooting she survived in January, but you maybe were not aware that she is also a childless stepmom. Becoming a step/mom to two teenage girls is not for the faint of heart, so this factoid about Giffords only made me like her more. Colleen Curry of ABC News explored this stepmother/stepdaughter relationship in her recent story about Giffords and her stepdaughters.

The story is heartwarming and deserves a thorough reading, but my favorite part is this mature insight from Giffords' older stepdaughter, Claudia:

"'I took Gabby for granted for so long, and I'm lucky I got a second chance to build a relationship with her,' Claudia said. She encouraged her friends to repair relationships with their own parents and stepparents."
-Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords' Shooting Closed Gulf Between Her and Stepdaughters

Most step/mothers, like Giffords, just wanted to be an accepted and cherished member of their family. I think especially for childless step/mothers there is a strong desire to be an important female role model for our stepchildren. Again, this does not mean we want to replace the bio-mom or overstep our boundaries, but we do love our husbands or partners and therefore we willingly invest a lot of time and love in our relationship in his children.

No one wants to feel insignificant or unwelcome, particularly in their own home. Why, then, is it OK for step/mothers to be the marginalized member of the family, and oftentimes despite their reduced status in their home they are still expected to give 110% of themselves to the family? The fact is - it's not OK. Step/mothers deserve much more respect in their families and in society than they are often given. Unfortunately, it took Giffords' stepdaughters almost losing her to understand her value to their lives and their family.

Fortunately, as Claudia said, they have a second chance. I hope stories like Giffords' help put a more empathetic and human face on stepmothering than the Disney tales we have grown accustomed to.

Friends? Frienemies? The never-ending "How do I deal with that woman?" saga.

2011-11-12T16:38:00.000-08:00

So, just so we're clear here, I've never had to do this dance with the younger belles' bio-mom as she was MIA way before I came along. You know...the dance where you're not quite sure what your status is with the bio-mom of your stepkidlets. This gets even more complicated when you're still dating and not "officially" a step/mother yet.

When I began dating my dear Ashley over 4 and a half years ago (yes, it really has been that long!), I was bright-eyed and bushy-tailed about the whole "other mother" scenario. I was a stepdaughter briefly during my childhood, but this was my first time on the other side of the fence, so to speak. I hadn't read any books yet, hadn't found any support groups, didn't have any friends who were step/mothers - I was just head over heels for this guy who happened to have 3 kids already. Oldest belle's bio-mom and my Ashley had broken up over 10 years before I came along, so I assumed the whole custody arrangement was a well-oiled machine by the time he and I started dating.

Well, you know what they say about assuming.......

The first time I met her bio-mom (we'll call her BM for short), I don't remember there being any grand introduction or her saying...well, anything to me really. Which would turn out to be par for the course for the years to come. But even after that first meeting, I didn't give too much thought to her until our relationship grew serious.

I have the benefit of years of removal from the situation, general wisdom I've gathered along the way and enough moral backbone to be able to laugh now about "the BM years" as I've dubbed them. But there were plenty of times during those years when I was assuredly not laughing about any of it. Now? I pretty much just roll my eyes and giggle. But it took a lot to get to that point of peace in my life.

Throughout the years, I've seen step/mom after step/mom pull her hair out and fret over what to do about the bio-mom (or bio-moms in some of our cases). I find this is a monumental difference between stepmothers and stepfathers. Men simply don't let stuff like this get to them. And when they do, they normally just beat each other up and then get over it. Women sit there and worry about, "Should I reach out to her?" "Do you think I should try to be friends with her?" and so on.

First of all, let me just say I hate the terms "co-wives" and "co-mamas." First of all, the only "co-wives" I know of are the Sister Wives. Great show, but not a realistic approach to getting along with the bio-mom. I'm not sharing my husband with you; this marriage has plenty enough people in it with the two of us. No need for you to get involved, dear bio-mom. While I think the "co-mama" approach is a noble one, let's face it - how many bio-moms wholeheartedly embrace the "co-mama" approach? Yeah, that's what I thought. It's a good theory, but in practice? Unless the stepmom is OK with being a doormat, it usually doesn't work very well.

So, back to Year 1. I didn't want to be friends with the woman, but considering I was planning on marrying her daughter's father and I was caring for her child every other weekend, every summer and every other holiday, I felt it was a pretty reasonable expectation that we could at least be friendly and civil with each other. I really cared for Oldest Belle and willingly spent time and money on her. I didn't want to be her mom, but I did want to be a good, nurturing role model that she could feel comfortable around. Oldest Belle and I also got along pretty well, so I thought it wasn't too much to hope that BM and I could get along for her sake. Right?

Well, let's just say BM did not take too kindly toward another woman being in the picture. She was thoroughly enjoying being Main Mama in the parenting triangle she had set up between herself, her husband and Ashley, and there was no room for one more. There weren't many times that she was outright rude toward me (although the times she was were quite memorable); her MO was to just outright ignore me. The attempts I did make toward being friendly were completely ignored, so finally I just shrugged my shoulders and blew it off.

I know many women think it's best for the kids to be friends with the bio-mom. I think if you can genuinely achieve that, then that's wonderful. Unfortunately, that tends to almost never be the case. Many times women think if they follow along with what the bio-mom wants, such as shared family dinners (sometimes without the stepmom!) and other attempts at creating a "one big happy family," then the bio-mom will eventually accept her. Again, this normally causes more problems than solutions.

There's nothing wrong with being civil. By all means do I not condone snarky comments in front of the stepkids or acting like a crazy banshee toward the bio-mom. The cold hard truth is you will have to deal with her until your stepkids are 18. But - do not be surprised if she views you as Public Enemy #1. This does not mean you are not a good person or a good stepparent. I had given BM no reason to dislike me. I perhaps didn't care for her personally, nor would she have been a person I would have chosen to associate with, but I tried to see the good in her and I always gave her the respect I felt she was due because she was Oldest Belle's mother. I also made sure to never speak ill of her in front of Oldest Belle, and I even would correct Oldest Belle when she would begin to badmouth BM in front of me. No disrespecting mamas in my house!

Essentially, I refused to bring myself to her level. If she wanted to ignore me, fine - I wasn't going to force her to acknowledge me. But, I also demanded respect for myself. I didn't tolerate her bashing me or Ashley in my presence. I didn't stay away from exchanges or from Oldest Belle's events because I thought it might make BM uncomfortable. I was always very pleasant with her husband, because he was always very pleasant with me.

As stepkids grow older, they often see everyone's true colors (that's my hope at least!). Oftentimes if the bio-mom starts out not accepting you and your very valid role in her child's life, she likely never will. That doesn't mean you have to treat yourself like a second-class citizen. Being the bigger person can be difficult - trust me, I would know! - but often with a bio-mom like that, she wants to see that she's getting to you. Just don't let her. Once I stopped caring about what BM thought of me, it transformed my view of myself as a stepparent and my relationship with Ashley for the better.

Sometimes, you can't rely on finding peace in other people - you have to create it for yourself.

New school year = New teachers to confuse

2011-08-30T22:26:00.000-07:00

Ahh, a new school year. It's one of the most joyous times of the year, right? New books to read from, new subjects to explore, new friends to make.......

And new teachers to terrorize.

See, when you're a Step/Mom, it's a bit more complicated than just signing the kids up for school. Even if you don't tell the teacher on Day 1, eventually, you have to explain. Or look like a Teen Mom extra. Explaining is preferable.

If it's a new school, they have to be provided with the All Important Court Order. When you're custodial like us, this brings in a whole new level of confusion, because the school will often scratch its collective head when they see the rarity - "A Dad with custody?" they ask. It's not that dads are incapable of being custodial parents, of course, but it's the simple fact that most courts still make Mom the Custodial/Domiciliary Parent.

So first you have to explain that yes, Dad really does have custody, and no, Mom does not have the right to call the school or come by the school. Yes, it's in the court order. No, it doesn't matter that she's still on the birth certificate.

Then, it needs to be clarified for the school and the teachers that while I am not technically Mom, I am called Mom, I look like a Mom, I act like a Mom, so therefore, it's just easiest to call me Mom. After all, a rose by any other name would still smell as sweet, right? In fact, oh School and Teachers, I know way more about these little belles than bio-Mom ever could possibly comprehend. In fact, I am probably the person you want to become friends with since I have a knack for detail and documentation when it comes to these kiddos, so really, I am the person you want to get to know.

And yes, School, you do have to honor the Power of Attorney my husband has signed on my behalf, just like the doctors' offices and religious education offices have to.

In fact, did you know that custodial stepparents even have rights under FERPA?

"Accordingly, a stepparent has rights under FERPA where the stepparent is present on a day-to-day basis with the natural parent and child and the other parent is absent from that home. In such cases, stepparents have the same rights under FERPA as do natural parents."
- Letter to Parent re: Disclosure of Education Records to Stepparents

So I truly do apologize for the confusion, Mr. Principal and Mr. Teacher. I'm also very sorry if I tend to spout out case law and Department of Education policies in order to assure you of me and my husband's rights. I'm just a wee bit annoying like that.

But, look at it this way - you may have to deal with me, but I have to live it! So take heart: you could be a Step/Mom and be in a constant state of explanation. :)

Save ThePsychoExWife.com

2011-06-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

Many of you may be familiar with ThePsychoExWife.com. The blog has been a resource to many finding themselves in a custody battle with a combative and likely mentally ill ex-spouse or significant other. While some of you, like me, may have qualms about the term used to describe PEW in public (even if it's befitting after reading their story), the judge in their custody case has dictated that not only does the website need to be taken down, but the father can no longer talk about his children at all in any "public media" unless it's "to wish them happy birthday or about a significant school event." The entire ruling can be read here.

This judge's decision is a violation of the father's First Amendment rights, and it could have a chilling effect on blogs such as mine, online support groups for divorcing dads and stepmoms, and other key resources for the equal parenting movement. Please take some time today to visit Save ThePsychoExWife.com to find out more and learn what you can do to help.

Father's Day and the Ode to Stepfathers

2011-06-27T18:01:00.000-07:00

Hello faithful Belles! I apologize that I've been MIA for a while; it has been a busy few weeks at Tara. But not to worry, I have plenty to report from the Step/Mom Twilight Zone.

You may recall in my last post how I lamented my experience of walking through the store aisles to find nary a stepmother card for Mother's Day. So you might imagine my surprise to find myself in the card aisles a few weeks before Father's Day to find not one Father's Day card for stepfathers, but an assortment of cards. And not just an assortment of cards but an entire popped-out subsection for stepfathers.

I almost had a fainting spell right there on aisle 16 of Wal-Mart.

Let me again reemphasize that I have no issue with people praising the virtues and hard work of stepfathers. My own Ashley was once a stepfather, and I know he did a phenomenal job as one. Yes, stepparents should be honored for their contributions to children's lives.

So WHY can't the same be done for stepmothers?

To make matters worse, my Facebook newsfeed read like a feminist, anti-dad rant on Father's Day. Deadbeat dads blah blah blah, happy father's day to all the REAL daddies, blah blah blah........do you ever see any of this on Mother's Day? I'll answer that for you....no. On Mother's Day, it is a love fest over the beauties of motherhood, the sacred womb that bore you into this world and the never ending sacrifices these tireless women make.

Of course I'm not anti-mom. There are many wonderful, amazing mothers who do an outstanding job as a parent. I agree that motherhood is an extremely challenging undertaking for any woman.

But, there are many not-so-great mothers out there. There are women who abuse drugs, who abuse their children, who walk out one day and never come back. There are women who are so filled with hate toward their children's fathers that they do everything in their power to destroy that sacred bond between the children and their father, a scary phenomenon called parental alienation that I will go into further detail about in another post.

But you rarely, if ever, hear about these mothers on Mother's Day. All you hear is the good. So why do we not do the same on Father's Day? And more importantly, is the whole praise and worship of stepfathers on Father's Day because we are truly honoring these men who sacrifice all for children who are not their own, or are we praising these stepfathers because it is a sneaky way to lift up these mother's current partners while spewing hate at these children's fathers?

It's that time of year again.....Mother's Day!

2011-05-08T17:44:00.000-07:00

What's a Step/Mom to do on a day like today? The two simple words "Mother's Day" strikes fear in the hearts of women around the world as they anxiously wonder, "Do I count? Will my husband/significant other honor my sacrifices to his kids today? Will my stepkids acknowledge my existence? Will I be reduced to a puddle of tears?"

Let me first say most stepmoms don't want to rain on the Mommy Parade on Mother's Day. They're OK with their stepkids acknowledging their birth moms today (unless the birth mom is completely AWOL like my younger belles'). It's just in a world where you're hardly acknowledged to begin with, SOMETHING, even just a card, is nice.

My Ashley has always been good about Mother's Day. I am thankful for that. I can honestly say that since I became a Step/Mom, I've never gone without acknowledgement from him or the younger belles. I would be immensely hurt if I ever did go without acknowledgement, and this is why:

Being a Step/Mom is literally one of the hardest, most thankless jobs a woman could ever encounter. I have no biological experience to compare it to yet, but I'd wager to say it's even harder than being a birth mom. Why? When you give birth to a child, you have roughly 9 months to prepare. You have the biological connection between you and that child that sustains you and keeps you from eating them alive when they tell you they hate you or they write in permanent marker all over their door. You have the benefit of remembering when they were a cuddly baby and when they spoke their first words.

When you're a Step/Mom, it's a choice - on both sides - not a biological connection to love. It means choosing to love a child even when they are acting every inch like their birth mom despite everything you've taught them to the contrary. It means holding onto your tears until you're in your bubble bath when a child says "Thank you, Daddy!" ten times for presents you helped to pick out and pay for and doesn't acknowledge you until prompted. It means biting your tongue and choosing to love a child when they look at you with spite and say, "I don't respect you!" or "You're not my stepmom!" or "You're mean! I hate you!" - all of which I've heard before.

It's easy to feel like an Impostor Mom when you hear people say things about "real moms" or you go to Walgreen's and there's Mother's Day cards for moms, wives, aunts, grandmothers, godmothers, sisters, mothers-in-law, daughters-in-law.....but not one for a stepmom. I've been on homework duty, I've cradled a sick child, I've cooked and cleaned and wiped away tears...I deserve some kind of recognition, right?

I know so many women who sacrifice blood, sweat and tears for another woman's child or children. They do all of this for little to no recognition. So to you ladies, I say, Happy Mother's Day. You deserve to hear it, even if you hear it from no one else but me today.

Can parents and stepparents be friends to their kids?

2011-04-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

I read a really insightful opinion piece on CNN.com today that made me want to stand up and cheer. Columnist LZ Granderson talks about the....interesting way most kids dress nowadays and why parents need to be parents.

Parents, don't dress your girls like tramps

The column is blunt to be sure, but raised some very good points. Yes, retailers are making clothes dressed more and more trashy for kids to wear, but these clothes wouldn't be selling if parents weren't buying them for their kids. My middle belle-in-training sometimes gets mad at me because she doesn't think her clothes are "trendy" enough, but darn it, she's a kid and I refuse to dress her like anything other than a kid!

Incidentally enough, I was listening to Steve Harvey's morning show as I was driving to work today when Steve and Shirley were reading a listener's letter asking for advice about her daughter. Steve said, and I'm paraphrasing here, "Parents need to be parents. I tell my kids, 'I am not your friend. We can do friendly things, we can have fun together, but I am your parent, not your friend.'"

Now, you may be asking me, "Southern Step/Mom, why are you bringing this up on your stepparenting blog?" Well, that's an excellent question! Just from my observations, I've noticed divorced parents do this often with their kids because they are so afraid their child is so emotionally damaged from the divorce or breakup, or because they want to be the "cool parent" that their child chooses as the winner in this war that they neglect to actually parent the kid.

Of course, intact nuclear families do this too, and there are many single parents who don't - my mom included who was very strict with me (thanks, Mom!). But, it seems that you notice the worst in parenting skills when you're in a step situation.

This always has and always will be one of my biggest pet peeves with my oldest belle-in-training's mother. From age 12, OB (oldest belle-in-training) would show up to exchanges in short shorts and makeup. The hemlines grew shorter and the makeup caked on further through the years. It got to the point where I would cringe as soon as she'd get out the car, waiting to see how much older she would look this time. My Ashley and I were united on this front, and we would make her change and wash her face when she got to our house, but when you're noncustodial, your influence can only go so far. You have to pray that what you are doing and showing them those 4 days out of the month might make at least a small impact on this impressionable child you are in charge of.

This is why I don't advocate stepparents being "like a friend rather than a parent" to their stepchildren. No one should cross discipline boundaries of course, but you are still an adult. When you live together or are married to the child's parent, you are still an adult in charge in that household. How are you going to earn that child's respect if you treat them as you would a friend? What kind of example are you setting?

Maybe refusing to let my 8 year old middle belle (MB) wear skin-tight jeggings like her friends wear makes me an uncool Step/Mom. Oh well. I'd rather be an uncool Step/Mom than a Step/Grandmom before I leave my thirties.

Gift Suggestion: Did you know Stepmothers' Day is the Sunday after Mothers' Day every year? Don't forget to celebrate that special woman in your life - she deserves it! Check out this cute t-shirt to wear to honor her, or maybe get her a bottle of wine if that's more her style. :)

Stepmoms vs. Stepdads - is it really equal?

2011-04-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine whose husband is a stepfather to her daughter brought up a good point to me recently. Some of my prior posts can be applied to stepdads, but in my mind, there is a vast difference between being a stepmother and being a stepfather. Women who have no biological children of their own ("childless stepmoms") almost always have an even tougher mountain to climb in step-life. Early on in my own stepparent journey, I struggled greatly with this. I think most childless stepmoms have a harder path because "You're NOT a mother" is something society constantly reminds us of.....and sometimes it is said right to our face - by in-laws, the biological mother, and sometimes complete strangers.

My own dear Ashley, in his genuine attempt to be compassionate, once told me he could sympathize with my step-plight because he had been a stepfather twice before. I told him it was vastly different from being a stepmother, especially a childless one. There are different expectations, and different emotions. Here are a few:
1. The "Maternal Assumption" - Many people, our own significant others often included, assume that since we are women, we automatically have that "maternal instinct." This expectation to automatically bond with our stepchildren, and to take over the "womanly" duties of the house, is just that - an expectation. We didn't have 9 months to prepare for this baby; we didn't have the joys of bonding with our stepkids as infants. Does this mean that we won't love our stepkids, even love them as we would our own? No, not by a long shot. But it takes time and a tremendous amount of energy. I went from living alone and only worrying about myself and what I wanted to do to being responsible for little people and listening to Disney Channel nonstop. It was a transition, to say the least. Stepdads rarely have this immediate expectation for instant bonding because they're men. Sexist? Of course it is. It's unfair to stepmoms too.

2. The custodial factor - Since the family court circus is what it is in the United States, most moms have custody of their children. Therefore, most stepfathers spend more time with their stepchildren than the fathers of those children do. It's not because the fathers don't WANT to spend time with their kids in most cases - "That's just the way the cookie crumbles," the judges say as they shrug their shoulders. It's a lot more praise-worthy in our society to be a custodial stepparent than it is a noncustodial stepparent. I've even noticed this disparity just in my own situation. People generally speak positively of my role as a custodial step/Mom to the younger belles-in-training, but I can probably count on one hand the amount of times people praised my role as a noncustodial stepmom to my oldest belle-in-training, even though I invested a lot of time and energy into being a good stepmom to her as well. I planned fun outings, I encouraged her interests, I helped her with her homework - why were not as valuable of a contribution to her wellbeing?

3. The Mother - Let's face it; mothers are territorial. This is not a bad thing, per se - look at Mama Bears, right? But, it has been shown statistically that mothers are less likely to encourage their children to embrace - or at least respect - their stepmother than fathers are with stepfathers. Even if they don't actively badmouth the stepmother, mothers will often not make it clear to their children that they don't have to choose between Mom and Stepmom - that loving one doesn't mean not loving the other. This was - and still is - the major problem I encountered with my oldest belle-in-training's mother. By outright pretending that I didn't exist, she sent the clear message to my oldest belle that I didn't matter, I wasn't on an equal level as her stepfather. Furthermore, it made my oldest belle feel guilty and conflicted when she realized - surprise! - I wasn't so terrible and she liked me.

I am a firm believer that if the mom and stepmom can put aside their differences for the kids, everyone will benefit. I always encouraged my oldest belle to respect her mom and never talked negatively about her anywhere close to earshot in front of her. I may not have always agreed with her parenting decisions - or agreed with her on really anything - but I acknowledged that she was her mom and we both had a mutual interest at heart. How the story could be different for all these kids if moms and stepmoms alike could learn, appreciate and practice that lesson.

Movie Suggestion - "The Blind Side"
This blockbuster hit isn't about stepmoms of course, but about children of the heart. I was so moved by this movie, and so excited to see a woman who steps up to the plate to parent a child who isn't hers biologically celebrated and revered in this movie. Of course, the added bonus was Sandra Bullock, who was at the time a childless stepmom to her now ex-husband's kids. She is one of my childless stepmom heroines!

Life Post-Apocalypse

2011-03-29T18:53:00.000-07:00

After my experiences as a sideline participant in family court, I'm thoroughly convinced nothing can more quickly make a sane person go insane like a divorce or breakup. Think about it - most of the time, you liked this person once upon a time. Maybe you even (gasp!) loved this person at one point? And now, standing in a courtroom, you're like two dogs in a ring right before a fight, desperately trying not to rip each other's throats out as you thirst for victory.

The sad thing about all of it is, there is a child or children caught squarely in between the two of you in this ring of fire. And now, instead of admitting that maybe the guy you chose to have a child with is a decent father even if you can't stand him as a partner, your one goal is to exact revenge upon him in the one place where you know it's going to really hurt - his relationship with his child.

One piece of advice I give to every friend who begins to share their story of woe with me after the breakup or divorce when there's a child involved is - think of it as a business relationship. You both have a mutual interest at heart - your child. You're both invested in his or her wellbeing and development. Therefore, keep it civil. Don't argue in front of the kid, don't use the kid as a go-between or messenger, document all communication between the two of you just as you would a business relationship. And most importantly, get a court order. Or even better, come to a mutual agreement, type up paperwork stating said agreement, sign it, notarize it, file it. The end.

Some people balk when I say get a court order right away. But too often, I've seen good intentions go south quickly when emotions get flared and Dad has no rights to speak of. Why not make it easy on everyone and have it spelled out? You wouldn't go into a business deal without a contract, would you? So why would you not have a custody agreement?

I know what you're thinking. I'm a female. I was raised by a single mom. Shouldn't I support single moms? Shouldn't I, as a feminist, say it's OK if Mom's the one calling the shots?

Well, the answer is....NO.

I'll let you in on a little secret. I'm as Southern of a belle as the day is long, but I'm also a feminist. Women's rights rally? Sign me up! But I've found within the past few years, I haven't been able to support my NOW sisters like I would like to. Why? Because they are so critical toward fathers' rights groups and have hindered equal parenting in courtrooms across the country through their aggressive lobbying techniques.

I have a serious problem with this, because to me, it's not very feminist sounding at all. Why do we have to tear down a father's contributions to his child's life (and I don't mean just financial contributions) just to feel our roles as mothers and women are validated? Wasn't the whole point of the feminist movement to gain equal rights? So why are we not proponents of equal parenting rights??

Furthermore, why do mothers have to discount their children's stepmothers' roles in order to feel good about themselves? Should we WANT children to have many positive female role models in their lives? Isn't it a GOOD thing for a child to have many people who care about and love them?

I've heard some horrible vitriol directed toward stepmothers by biological mothers, myself included in that number of stepmothers. Was it warranted, truthful, or justified? No. Was it productive for the child? Not at all. If you have a problem with your child's stepmother, wouldn't the mature and responsible way to voice your displeasure be to talk directly with the stepmother, or at least your child's father? Yes.

So why is it all logic and reason goes out the window when a child's emotional wellbeing is at stake? One thing is for certain - it's doing no one any good.

Book Suggestion:
A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom by Jacqueline Fletcher
One of the better stepmom books I've encountered. Some of the advice is a little misguided, and no, having your own baby is not the cure-all, but overall, a good book to start with.