Space and stars and singer

Feeling it makes you...

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 08:48:00 +0000

I feel it with my body, with my blood.

Feeling all those trees, all this country . . . 

When this wind blow, you can feel it.

Same for country, you can feel it.

You can look, but feeling . . .

That make you.

Big Bill Neidjie

from here

via Body Sense blog on Psych Today

And feeling a bit blessed now, to learn about this man and what he did. Visiting Kakadu is one of my big goals so pretty awesome to find out without this man Kakadu might not be what it is today. 

A letter to my sister or a time to be brave...

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 23:20:00 +0000

orchard, originally uploaded by lightpainter.

I just sent this to my sister but thought, perhaps, I should post it here. It kind of feels like it belongs...

Dear Liv

Oh Liv please don't despair!...and...can I tell you what I figured out? I've learnt that all along what I thought was despair was not despair at all. It was feelings arising from FEAR. Fear of change, uncertainty and the complexity of life. So my wonderful, amazing brain figured out that to keep me safe the fear would be best dealt with as despair to stop me from doing things that might make me more fearful! I really have a lot of respect for my brain. It does and did these things to LOOK AFTER ME (!) I know also feel despair because of the feelings of frustration and anger that comes from the struggle. Grrrr! Oh the complexity!

So now, instead of working with despair, I work with fear. It's genetic, it's personality but mostly it's my experiences as a child. I learnt this while meditating at the beginning of the year. One of the most freeing moments in my entire life.

I know the feelings of despair for what they are and I know the fear for what it is and I can thank my brain and choose to live how I want to anyway.

Also, I just read this article about letting go which talks about where some of the fear comes from.

I think maybe, maybe, that despair is not what you think it is. Remember how you like to control and keep things perfect and just the way you want them? And how you've dealt with anxiety and feelings of panic in the past?

Let me know what you think and know that you are loved!

Sus

P.S. Your holiday's coming up! Woo woo!!!

P.P.S. Can you please put on your list to drink REAL fresh cider while you are there for V? Turns out he LOVES cider!!!

Getting back

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 08:51:00 +0000

The Peace of Wild Things

When despair for the world grows in me
and I wake in the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting with their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Wendell Berry

Listen

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 06:46:00 +0000

I overheard an interesting conversation between two 5 year old children the other day. They were outside there class chillaxing before school as I walked passed to go to my classroom.

Child one says: What? You don't like cheese? I love cheese! You know if you don't like cheese that means you must hate cows.

Child Two: I don't hate cows!

Child One: Yes you do. If you don't like cheese, then you must hate cows.

Child Two: Well, I love cows.

So funny and it's nice to be so much more relaxed now to catch these moments in life.

You are a bundle of possibilities

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Mon, 23 Aug 2010 00:38:00 +0000

Rebellion against your handicaps gets                     you nowhere.   

Self-pity gets you nowhere. 

 One                     must have the adventurous daring to

accept oneself as a                     bundle of possibilities and undertake the

most interesting                     game in the world — making the most of one’s best.

                     Harry Emerson Fosdick

Why thank you Mr. Fosdick. I do believe you are right. As a bundle of possibilities I say hear, hear!

I prefer spiritual enlightenment actually

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 23:26:00 +0000

Marmalade made with
seville oranges.

Memories of a dear friend

who would touch my nose to say hello,

hello! you're her! 

and pad silently away.

Short hair in my dreams, shorn off, and lost,

feeling fear of fear,

just trying to find my way home

through a jar of marmalade.

I've just read yet another lifestyle article from the "lifestyle" section of the newspaper. This time about simple living and fugality, based on very successful Aussie blog about frugality (133000 subscribers, not bad...). Inspired? Depressed? Shamed? Not really. Acutally in my head I could hear "my life is not a discourse, my life is not a discourse". Thanks media, but no thanks. In one of those lovely moments of letting go I didn't get sucked in. The media says to us "this is the way life is, this is what you must take part in". I have learnt how to value my own daily exhalations as the discourse of my life. As in, breathing in I know I am breathing in. Breathing out, I know I am breathing out...

Good morning beautiful Saturday. Hello spring buds and sunshine! Hello daily bread! Hello husband and cool breeze and family of magpies and sound of the washing machine! Hello, good morning I can think for myself.

Time to soften into my resistance and come back

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 11:56:00 +0000

This helped...helps...from Olga Rasmussen. I open to the flow of Grace...

Stop struggling, Start living

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 04:10:00 +0000

So here I am after the passing of some time, in a different state of mind. How quickly the mind changes and one's attitude to life (the universe...and everything).

I had an insight today, which is always good...I have some photos of myself before we came to Melbourne. I look younger, more relaxed and kind of carefree. I was a bit thinner then too (it's not something I fixate on, I'll explain why soon) and just looked like everything was good.

Then I can compare that to my first teacher's photo, not so much of a change. When I got to the photo from last year I could really see the difference. If you line them up you can SEE the changes, how I've aged and how tired I look. I look kind of beaten down (I was) and the stress is evident in my face and body.

Here's what I realised: all my struggle is evident in that photo and I must admit pain too. The difference in the photos is really huge and that's scary! Rather than feel crap about it though, I've been thinking, what was it about that year before we came here that was so good? It was a stressful and challenging year. When is teaching not? So I had that. What was the difference?

I go back to my values. That year I was fully challenged in a job I love. But I had support from a great mentor and great team. I was focused and felt like I was making a difference and was part of something bigger. I haven't had that here.

I had a wonderful productive garden that I worked on all the time! I loved that garden. It was a place of peace and freedom and life and I loved it. I've missed that part of my creative self. I've realised that it's absolutely essential to my well-being. It seems, I can't live without it.

My partner and I were both focused on creating something together. We became more committed to each and planned a trip together. Now it sometimes feels like we're not really sure what we're doing. (Although I feel like we have more love and have become closer). What do we really want?

And I wasn't in pain. I knew something was up but it wasn't until a few months into living in Melbourne that my jaw started to persistently cause me pain. Now it's something I'm used to but now I know how much it's affected my well-being and health.

Which leads me to stress! I can see it in my face! All the negative thinking and stories that pull me down. How is that I make myself feel so small and worthless? I made a big decision last year that I was worth doing what I always wanted to do for my health and have had to take on the financial responsibility (but so has my partner). I feel empowered but constantly worried about money. Now I can say, I'm worth, I'm doing it, end of story. I've also become more sedentary. I think a big part of that is I used to spend a LOT of my free time in the garden or going for walks or bike rides. My not good enough story stops me from being active. Not good!

I'm thinking I need to recreate the vision I had back then and live it again. To believe in myself, my capabilities and what's important to me. And then do one little thing at a time to make it happen.

-Weekly yoga with a teacher that I have a connection with (I'm giving another studio a go soon).
-Create a garden, spend more time outside and grow things!
-Enjoy my profession and do what I believe in, no more struggling (hah! stop struggling, start living!)
-Save money and plan to travel, anywhere (watch out Tasmania, here we come!). We both really want to do this one.
-Make connections with people from the heart and take risks. Being lonely sucks! I've learned that I always feel better when I'm more involved.

It's funny because it reminds of my team leader from that year who used to say to his kids, "What worked for you when you had positive behaviour? Alright, now we know, now copy that!!!".

P.S. Something I can't really change at the moment but would if I could...have a house with lots of sunshine!!!

Grace in Small Things 3

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Tue, 29 Jun 2010 02:54:00 +0000

The way Sparx, the Spoodle we're currently minding chased the welcome swallows as they swooped around us. that dog was leaping and flying off the lead. I was very impressed. He also chased unnamed insects, twigs, branches and leaves.
How my partner seems to take over the roast chicken responsibilities. I get to organise it, prepare and clean up after it. He gets to make sure it's 'perfect' and then leave little piles of bones everywhere. He doesn't waste a thing.
I love it when it rains. I love the feelings of safety and renewal. I had good experiences of being warm and cosy as a child. And I remember them more that the freezing cold times (Christchurch, I still love you).
Feeling motivated and getting stuff done even if it's tiny, at least I'm getting it done.
Letting go by imagining a deep connection to the earth and letting that feeling and awareness rise up to connect, even if just for a moment.
Being more ok in my own skin. Feels good.

Grace in Small Things 2

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Sun, 20 Jun 2010 22:59:00 +0000

Image via Wikipedia

Grating pear, gasp! on to my porridge instead of apple. Smells divine.
The sweet feeling of ease using my 7 iron yesterday. It's taken a LOT of practice and I still sometimes feel like giving up.
Getting to our fave restaurant on a Sunday night and finding it's family time, packed out and super busy.
The way the waitresses cooed and aahed over their friend's baby every chance they got even though it was super busy!
And because it was super busy we left as soon as were done so another family could sit down and we missed out on our end of meal orange. I was so upset!
My wheat bag. It deserves a medal for awesomeness. It's been burnt, sewn up and battered but still does the job. I don't know what I'd do without it.
Listening to one of my stories that asks "Who are you? Do you really think you're worth something?" and hearing an answer, "Yes."

P.S. Getting back into writing through Grace in Small Things. We'll see what happens from here. I've been enjoying reading some new blogs (here, here and here). The courage and insightfulness of so many people out there in the world is uplifting. Every time I read their posts I wish them well. There's grace in that too.

Grace in Small Things 1

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Thu, 17 Jun 2010 02:44:00 +0000

The way the Tawny Frogmouth poo makes interesting art on our driveway and alas, it doesn't last, the rain washes it away.
When my husband calls during the day just to say hello.
Stockholm Blend tea. I think I've discovered the meaning of life in this tea.
Getting excited about going to my favourite opshop.
Our resident frogs that live in our garden. Their singing lulls me to sleep.

Yay for Christchurch!

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Mon, 17 May 2010 01:09:00 +0000

Christchurch guide on Design Sponge

I thought this was quite cool...Some days we are enormous

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Wed, 12 May 2010 02:01:00 +0000

Some days we are enormous.

Haven't felt like that in a while now. Notice the lack of posts? Thinking of changing my blog, changing platforms and going for a different kind of process. Intention rather than reaction. Whatever happens I'll let you know.

Thought for the Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Sat, 08 May 2010 09:55:00 +0000

Enjoy

Thought for the Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Sat, 01 May 2010 08:25:00 +0000

Go here

and

dropped
and falling
from such
heights
for so
long
that
maybe
I will have
enough time
to learn
flying

Vera Pavlova

A poem

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Wed, 28 Apr 2010 07:36:00 +0000

This poem came through from Patti Digh's blog 37Days. Reading it, I had the immediate feeling that I knew exactly what the poet was talking about. Exactly. And for a moment I knew that I wasn't lost in the world. It faded away but the memory remains of the feeling which means I can build upon it, like building a muscle. I know that words do that to me, help me feel a little less lost and I could just trust that every once in a while, couldn't I? Geez, like if its that strong a feeling and I've been ignoring it for this long...no wonder I get so cranky. I've been ignoring my basic experience AS MY LIFE and have continued to expect something else different, better, greater and have berated myself for it not happening. Well, never mind. I shall thank my brain and keep reading and feeling.

Singapore

In Singapore in the airport,
A darkness was ripped from my eyes.
In the women’s restroom, one compartment stood open.
A woman knelt there, washing something
in the white bowl.

Disgust argued in my stomach
and I felt, in my pocket, for my ticket.

A poem should always have birds in it.
Kingfishers, say, with their bold eyes and gaudy wings.
Rivers are pleasant, and of course trees.
A waterfall, or if that’s not possible, a fountain
rising and falling.
A person wants to stand in a happy place, in a poem.

When the woman turned I could not answer her face.
Her beauty and her embarrassment struggled together, and
neither could win.
She smiled and I smiled. What kind of nonsense is this?
Everybody needs a job.

Yes, a person wants to stand in a happy place, in a poem.
But first we must watch her as she stares down at her labor,
which is dull enough.
She is washing the tops of the airport ashtrays, as big as
hubcaps, with a blue rag.
Her small hands turn the metal, scrubbing and rinsing.
She does not work slowly, nor quickly, like a river.
Her dark hair is like the wing of a bird.

I don’t doubt for a moment that she loves her life.
And I want to rise up from the crust and the slop
and fly down to the river.
This probably won’t happen.
But maybe it will.
If the world were only pain and logic, who would want it?

Of course, it isn’t.
Neither do I mean anything miraculous, but only
the light that can shine out of a life. I mean
the way she unfolded and refolded the blue cloth,
The way her smile was only for my sake; I mean
the way this poem is filled with trees, and birds.

Mary Oliver

So many links, so little time!

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 01:14:00 +0000

Image by Hljod.Huskona via Flickr

This post from Tammy at Rowdy Kittens is O for Awesome (little Kiwi joke...). She just has a knack for finding inspiration to live a rich and meaningful life. I promise you will find something interesting! I just had to post this link for you! I've got five tabs open already with juiciness to read this beautiful Saturday morning before I practice yoga and oh yeah, do the dishes. Have a wonderful weekend and keep listening and being curious.

P.S. She doesn't have a car. She's written an e-book about it. Much impressed am I.

Thought for the Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 00:39:00 +0000

original, go wild-NZ, Flickr

We do not succeed in changing things according to our desire,
but gradually our desire changes. The situation that we hoped
to change because it was intolerable becomes unimportant.
We have not managed to surmount the obstacle, as we were
absolutely determined to do, but life has taken us around it, led
us past it, and then if we turn around to gaze at the remote past,
we can barely catch sight of it, so imperceptible has it become.

Marcel Proust

A birthday of sorts

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 06:56:00 +0000

Well, the birthday of this space in the world that is my blog has flown by without me even realising. But, I feel that this blog was born anew at the start of this year so I feel like the real birthday will be some time down the track. However, I made a pledge that I would finally share the origins of my blog's title.

I finally tracked down the right translation. It's a poem that for some reason fills me with deep joy for life and my experience in the world. I found it originally while not studying for whatever it was I should have been studying at University and only now feel like that voice that tried talking to me them is finally being listened to. (I started out doing law and also tried my hand at an honours year of postmodernism and other kooky stuff. What was I thinking?).

So this post may go out to you to read or may get lost among the millions of humanities' thoughts that are added to the great cloud that is the internet and no-one will ever know except me. I feel like this is some incredible moment. And it is, of course; every moment is.

From Stone by Osip Mandelshtam

(Number 54) 1913

Translation by James Greene

Poisoned bread, satiated air,

Wounds impossible to bind.

Joseph, sold into Egypt, couldn't have pined

With a deeper despair!

Bedouin, under the starry sky,

Each on a horse,

Shut their eyes and improvise

Out of the troubles of the day gone by.

Images lie close at hand:

Someone traded a horse,

Somebody else lost his quiver in the sand.

The hazy happenings disperse.

And if truly sung,

Wholeheartedly, at last

Everything vanishes, nothing is left

But space, and stars, and singer.

From Osip Mandelshtam: Selected Poems, Penguin, 1991

I'm up and down and all over the place. But hey, that's normal!

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 23:22:00 +0000

Turquoise Door, Mad_Mags, Flickr

Isn't is so interesting how quickly we move from hope and excitement to a place of bleakness and melancholy? I'd kind of rather hoped that I'd built up my resilience to the point where I could have longer patches of hopeful feelings and finding joy in between the stink parts where I'm back living inside the internal critic. That's what happened yesterday a bit and I find myself reading though teaching jobs again and all the same old feelings come back. It's a vicious cycle my friends and don't we all know it.

I must, must, must believe. It's like having the deepest faith and practicing it every day. Every moment is a moment of opportunity to practice having faith in your self and to act on it in whatever small way. I guess when there is even the slightest little bit of fusing with those well-known friends of judgement, fear and criticism, the internal critic cries "Yes! I'm back in! Yippee!".

Sometimes I get flashes of excitement about what my life might be like if I truly, madly, deeply persevere with my true intentions. I get more and more certain as the days go by but its so hard to keep my eyes turned in that direction and after a long lifetime of "You can't, you can't!" Finally hearing the words "You can" can sometimes feel really alien. So ok, you know you can but erm, how do you actually live that?

I'm learning. I'm persevering. I'm not going to give up.

I picked up a brand new baby bath from Freecycle for a friend yesterday and took it round. That was one of my triumphs yesterday along with starting my a blog to publish my poems (yes, I've actually written some but I'm not sharing yet!) and unsubscribing from nearly all my email newsletters! (Do it! You won't regret it!). I baked bread, I decluttered and got a space ready for my new, new, old desk (made out of repurposed window frames, woop!) and then at the end of the day the agency called and said "You're ready to rock and roll!". I kid you not, that's a quote. I think it's an omen...

So I guess I'm ready to rock and roll and always have been. Have a lovely day or night where ever you are!

P.S. I'm a little obsessed with turquoise especially a turquoise door. I'm close to painting our front door turquoise and distressing it to make it look old and magical. I'm pretty sure the rental agency won't notice. They think our dishwasher is a fridge. Ellen Meloy's house has a turquoise door. When I think of her and her writing I remember the joy to be had in my experience with the world. Go here and here. If you're in Melbourne I'd be happy to lend you my copy as long as it is treated with love and care and comes back to me when you're finished. X

There is no s**t in me!

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 23:32:00 +0000

\, 67Bosely, Flickr

I feel an organic compulsion to write in the morning so while I can I will! I'll still stick to my intention to cultivate evening writing habits. I pledge to keep cutting back on the great life sucker that is the television...That's one of my pledges. I have many and they're all connected. In fact, why don't I get them out where they can frolic and play? I haven't actually written them down yet. They've been forming and coalescing into a greater intention to live a more rich and meaningful life. So...

Daily yoga-even if it is just one sun salutation. I respect myself deeply with daily yoga practice and when I don't practice I know I'm not fully connecting with myself.
Daily meditation practice-like I said "Yoga started it. Meditation deepens it. Writing lets it go".
If I have an idea, no matter how small, I write it down or take some kind of action towards making it happen. From an idea for a book to grabbing armfuls of grass from the park opposite us to chuck on our garden (I know not the best, but its all we've got). This pledge is about my values. So many ideas arise from deeply held beliefs, passions and connections like baking bread, creating, reading, learning and living a simple, frugal, minimalist life where I feel grounded and connected.
Daily mindfulness-I continue to practice connecting to my body in the present moment and really seeing my experience in "real-time".

See they're all connected! And the little pledges stem from the big pledges like not watching television, going for a walk around the wetland before I get in my car (every time), writing every day because its important to me, writing down ideas that come up instead of squeezing them between my fingers to torture them out of existence just in case when I do make them happen they actually make me happy! God forbid!

I call them pledges and not goals because its more like the constant practice of living your intentions becomes a layering of experience and each time you commit to living your best life, even in the tiniest way you build your capacity and resilience for this process. Because it never ends. I know that. This is the practice I'm creating for the rest of my life. Gee, I think it even starts to get a little bit exciting. And coming from years of depression, it's a whole different way of living.

I pledge to take all possible actions to live a more rich and meaningful life where I feel grounded and connected to my experience. I pledge to do as little as possible to make things happen and even the tiniest action will be appreciated and cherished as emerging from my true self. I pledge to value desires and ideas that come from my deeply held beliefs and values. I pledge to cultivate daily mindfulness and to embody my intentions through meditation, yoga and loving-kindness. I pledge to be a little less serious about life every day, to lighten up and have fun and at every moment to come alive and wake up to my experience just a little bit more.

What do you pledge to yourself every day?

P.S. The title comes from an argument I had with my husband (before he was my husband) when I was being particularly close-minded and miserable and he said "Just sort your s**t out!" and I yelled back "There is no s**t in me!". It was definitely a moment of waking up that I'll never forget.

My little blog is from the heart

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Mon, 19 Apr 2010 01:31:00 +0000

lotus, charles_chan*, Flickr

Hello all! It's been so lovely to have a few days of sunshine here after a couple of weeks of constant cloud. not that I really mind clouds. I love clouds! But after a few days of grey overcastness you get to feeling the need for sunshine.

I have some plans for my little corner of the blogosphere. i'm going to change the time of day I post. I think this passionate little blog will be better seviced with end of day musings and general ruminations and contemplations on life the universe and everything so I'm making a big change from morning posts to evening posts.

I'm going to focus on my heartfelt and authentic journey here and not anything else. I'm going to focus on sharing my genuine voice and connect with intention and an open heart. No stats, just writing and connecting.

I have some juicy ideas for another blog that I will take in a different direction so that I can leave Space and Stars and Singer a truly sacred space to share my thoughts, my meditation and yoga practice and my ideas about the world. I hope that when people visit they can feel that; that this is a sacred space, my sacred space. A place to contemplate, to reconnect and be still for a moment. I've so enjoyed meeting so many people through my blog and joining them on their own journeys.

XXX

Thought for the Weekend

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Sat, 17 Apr 2010 04:50:00 +0000

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

Dr. Howard Thurman

How can I do this everyday? Come alive just a little bit more?

Many blessings for the weekend.

Listening and being open can lead to the authetic self

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 01:15:00 +0000

Run run, originally uploaded by Merit Attention.

You cannot fail at being yourself. A cat doesn't
try to be a tiger, and you shouldn't try to be
something you aren't. You are a process, not a
product. Your job is to discover what you are
and to create that creature. You still won't
be perfect, but success isn't about perfection--it
is about authenticity. You are a success if you
are being your real, authentic self.

Bernie Siegel

I finally understood what he meant when he said what he said. And he said it with such passion and precision but if one wasn't listening the message would be lost. I finally got it yesterday when I was putting together my relieving teacher's kit and feeling good about it. Considering my past experiences and decisions that have recently been made I was thinking it might have been the opposite feeling.

My mind's eye put together the pieces of his message while I went through my resources and I began to really appreciate everything I had done. I have a big backpack full of cool and interesting stuff that I may or may not use. It was fun, nay even exciting putting it together not only because I have made this next step my choice but because the message finally got through.

He said: "We don't want you to go out there as teachers on our books and relieve. We want you to be teachers. We want you to appreciate yourselves and what you can bring to each classroom. You have personal strengths and passions that will make each day a great day for the children in your care. We believe you can be that kind of teacher."

But he didn't actually say it like that. It was hidden and offered in pieces to be put together. It was being offered as a path to be taken with intention, an open-heart and interest in all possible experiences.

And I thought, cool. I can do this and it set me free.

"Bring Yourself" Learn Something Project

noreply@blogger.com (Susanna) — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 10:00:00 +0000

Writing is a wonder, Shaheer Shahid, Flickr

I don't remember how I got here but I know I'm going to stay. The words resonate, yes, like a bell and the lines of vibration point to something I know. Here's looking at you kid.

Learn Something Project

I want to learn different things. Instead of big, earth shattering things, I want to learn things that are important to me. I want to find things out about myself and the places I go. I want to explore and investigate the world. Even if that is just by taking my dogs for a walk in the woods or having a conversation with someone I don't know.

As soon as I learn something, I am going to write it down on the nearest scrap of paper. I will photograph it there and then and share it with you. The sharing will be a part of the learning.

My learning is about understanding the thoughts that speak of the riddles etched into my bones. I'm sure it will change, life always does.

Follow the Bring Yourself blog here

If you look closely, can you see the tiny snail inside the dandelion head? I couldn't see it when I picked it up, only when I blew the seeds away.