Sparkle Big!

Facing your Inner Hecklers

2012-02-21T08:36:00.000-06:00

Waldorf & Statler- The Muppet Show Hecklers

Waldorf: These seats are awful.

Statler: Why? Can't you see anything?
Waldorf: That's the problem. I can see everything.

One of the great lessons, I believe, that Jim Henson taught me as a child is to face the hecklers in my life and to recognize they are a natural part of our every day audience.

Never are we faced with 100% support by everyone we meet.

There are always going to be those who don't appreciate the performance you are giving the world. And most likely, they'll let you know about it.

And hardly ever do we meet change in our life without some part of us resisting it with nasty or fearful comments- trying to get us to stay right where we are, or to plain ol' just give up and get off the stage.

Kermit the Frog, one of my gurus in life, never gave up. The show must go on!

He did however constantly deal with interruptions, complaints and the insecurities and big egos of his cast members. But the show kept going......

Opportunities will come and you will be asked to take the stage in your own life. And you'll know your on stage because that's the moment when everyone starts giving you their opinion and advice or you inner voices start heckling you with all the "what ifs" and "you're not good enoughs" to make you want to go backstage and hide.

DON'T do it! Absolutely keep on performing- because quietly in that audience there are other parts of you watching. Watching and waiting for you to be BRAVE and to SPARKLE they way they knew you could someday- Parts of you that love you and need you to sing for them, and dance for them because they don't feel big enough to do it themselves. So, you my dear, are the Star Act of your own Show and if you don't perform, or you let the hecklers and fear mongers scare you off the stage- the world will never hear your music.

And that is too sad for me to even think about.

I've been on stage too many times to count now (sometimes literally) and I have to say, I've grown fond of my hecklers inside. They make me laugh and they give my middle finger excellent exercise. And each time a new part of me is asked to be strong and take the stage, I find myself, just like Kermit encouraging and pushing myself to say "YES" to whatever song I'm asked to sing next. I"ll give it my "all" for the parts of me who were told "you can't" or "you shouldn't".

In fact, it's the very act of showing those hecklers who owns the stage that makes it so exhilarating in the first place!

It's what gives my life aliveness, meaning and fulfillment- showing others how to Sparkle.

And isn't that the whole reason we are on this stage of life anyways?

So ask yourself today- what's calling me onto the stage of my life?

What am I yearning to give to the world?

And when those inner hecklers start throwing out all the reasons you suck- show em your middle finger and sing louder.

Is that a Light at the end of the tunnel?

2012-02-16T08:12:00.001-06:00

I love my job. What's not to love about encouraging others to love themselves, reminding them that God is within them and challenging them to give into their heart's desire?

The truth is, in order to get someone to that understanding you have to walk with them through what's holding them back or hurting their heart so deeply they feel they cannot possibly heal. And this, my friends, is challenging.

It's challenging to hear about the loss of a sweet baby, to hear about someone going through a divorce, or someone who just lost their job and their husband in the same week- really challenging.

But, I do it anyway. Why? Because I know without a doubt, things always get better and our deepest losses can guide us to our greatest joys. I know because I've walked through my own losses and found God and myself in that pain- sometimes after digging through some knee deep sh*t for so long I was ready to quit. But that light at the end of the tunnel always, always, always showed up and guided me home to happiness.

It's unrealistic to expect happiness 100% of the time. But it isn't unrealistic to have PEACE. Peace, I have found, comes with the acceptance we offer ourselves and our life through each moment. An acceptance and a knowing that, "this too shall pass" and all is flowing as it is meant to flow and I CAN TRUST THIS- even though I don't like it. With Peace, you can look deeper at what you are experiencing instead of trying to run and hide from it. It is in staying with your pain and looking for the understanding that you will see that light. It'll come. It always does. When you calm down, stay present and love yourself it breaks through.

So, if your up to your knees today in life's muck and pain. Stop, breathe and let the understanding come.

And, ask yourself this question. Who am I becoming from all this challenge- that only this challenge could bring out in me? And give yourself some Peace in knowing the answer is there in your heart.

Valentine's Day Giveaway Winners!!

2012-02-14T06:42:00.002-06:00

Happy "I am LOVE" Day!

The 3 Random winners of the Nurture 8x10 print are:

1. Gail@...........
2. amyryan@............
3. jmack@............

I will contact you for your mailing address. Only partial emails were given to product identity.

Please enjoy the print or pass it on to someone who will.

XOXO

A Gift of LOVE for you...

2012-02-08T09:00:00.000-06:00

In honor of the Month of LOVE, please receive this art collage I titled "Love's Gift".
Just right click and save, then print and Enjoy!!

May you remember that those we love need space to grow and expand their wings.

May you celebrate their willingness to try new things and encourage their dreams.

And may you remember that God in YOU is the greatest love of all.

Clarification

2012-02-03T10:27:00.002-06:00

Seems yesterday's blog brought up some interesting feelings for some of you.... and for those of you who shared I thank you :) Some LOVED it and some were triggered by it. So thank you for the emails/comments as It helps me to communicate more clearly and also to recognize the impact I can offer.

So, I wanted to clarify (and I did add an addendum to yesterday's blog):

I'm not saying it's "bad" to do the reading of books, attend groups, etc.- those things can and do offer us great joy. What I'm saying is that to release the NEED for those things is so empowering and Peace bringing- To have the PEACE within because you know what is best for you- and always will and you need no one else to make it true for you.

Hope this clarifies for those of you who felt slightly wounded by the idea of being judged or imagined that I was judging those of you who do. While I have had my share of judgmental moments in my life- this is not one of them. How can I judge what helped me find the greatest gift of myself? I cannot and do not.

I appreciate my journey, every book I read and every group I attended as they helped show me myself. But in some ways I recognize it was like an addiction- it was a need that robbed me of peace. It is an addiction I see many clients struggling with- even coming to me for their truth instead of within themselves. And of course, my role is to point you back to yourself ;)

So my blog yesterday was to celebrate that now, I am so happy to say, I just no longer need those books or groups to feel Peace. And I wish for you that same peace- I truly do.

And, as I love to challenge you (and those of you who have sat in my counseling room will attest to this), if you felt judged or offended by my blog- I just gave you a gift. Open it.

Look inside and ask what truth might be asking for your attention. And without shame, be with it and love it. Are you in any way addicted to external truth? Do you feel deep trust in your self and knowing what is best for you or do you feel like someone outside of you knows it better?

In Peace.

I am Home

2012-02-02T11:59:00.004-06:00

January was a beautiful month for me. I had decided to take a "social hiatus" from outside activities and social events for the whole month. This meant no outings with friends, attending of classes, or hosting of events on my part- simply just doing my work and being with myself and my family in my down time. What can I say? It was absolutely wonderful..... and I want more of it, more of me.

Because it was Feb. 2, and my month break was over, I invited a soul sister over to do collaging. We sat together cutting and pasting our soul collage cards, enjoying the connection and powerful images we were both drawn to. It was so satisfying for me and....... peaceful.

We talked, as women do, of all those we knew of and the classes and courses out there in the world of spirituality. We talked about new books and new travels she was venturing into. All of it perfect for her and fun to listen to for me. But inside a feeling, a knowing was brewing....... I choose to sit still.

I realized in listening to her talk about her next adventures, I'm am done going to self help groups, being a part of the "new age" community in my area, reading the latest book on spirituality, self-help, life, God, etc........ I've reached a point where I have found peace in just coming to my own inner world for ALL of my answers- I've come home to me and it's a really great place.

Don't misunderstand me, this is a place I've visited frequently (my inner world of me), I just chose not to stay there. I'd get distracted by someone else I may have felt knew something more, that I absolutely couldn't live without knowing, or I'd keep buying and believing this next new book had magical answers to learn, or amazing viewpoints that would wake me up and transform my consciousness even more.

As I sit here typing this blog, my shelves (3 full bookcases to be exact) are filled with self-help & healing books galore, all of which I believed held the magic formula for awakening. I'm grateful to the "aha" moments each gave, but it's really been the act of loving myself and speaking and living in truth that has given me my greatest awakenings. My journey of self love has been my red sparkly shoes - like Dorothy. To quote the Glenda the Good Witch in Wizard of Oz, "You've always had the power".

Funny as it may seem, my husband has always been in this place. As we sat and had our morning coffee together, I mentioned it to him. I explained how so much of our marriage I've been chasing after knowledge & wisdom about life and running back home to share it with him. He'd always seem interested but NEVER got caught up in the shiny "sparkleyness" of whatever it was I was selling to him. He wasn't skeptical, in fact he would agree with almost all of it. The difference was he didn't NEED it. He was quite content to just live his daily life, moving through each moment with peace and contentment- and he is the happiest person I know. Imagine that- the teacher was beside me all along.

It actually used to piss me off, that peace and contentment he exuded. He did nothing to "earn it" in my mind. Just loving me, the kids, his music, his daily grind and rarely complaining (seriously). He was no Pollyanna either- just content. I now know it bothered me sometimes because I was jealous of it and I had felt like I was working harder for it than he was. I can reflect now about how funny all of that chasing peace was and I can laugh at myself with compassion.

And now, I can feel the grounded-ness of my own being- where my husband Todd's been hanging out all these years. I have arrived, I am home and I found it's right where I've always been- ME. Home is Me, I am the Peace I seek, the answers I seek, the love I seek. I am all of it and I don't have to go anywhere to get it.

It makes me giggle, and yet I understand the gift as well, all that running around chasing after God. I realize, that for me, it took all that external seeking to find ME. It's like "I'm what I'm looking for" was taped on my back and no matter where I went I couldn't see it. (I can feel my Soul smiling as I write this).

So, I'm not saying it's "bad" to do the readings, groups, etc.- those things can and do offer us great joy. What I'm saying is to release the NEED for those things is so empowering- To have the PEACE within because you know what is best for you- and always will and you need no one else to make it true for you.

So choose to seek in another or in yourself- they all lead back to you eventually. And, (Finally) I'll be here in the center of my being, excited to hear all about it and encouraging you in any way I can- just as Todd's always done for me. And when you come "home" to yourself- I'll be your witness with a smile of knowing in my eyes and a welcome sign on my heart.

Addendum: Please note I have gently changed some wording from my original post to communicate my feelings more clearly. I do not feel that seeking external experiences from books, groups etc. is a negative or disempowering thing. I believe the NEED for them is. And I have finally found a very peaceful place within myself of no longer needing them. There is no attempt to shame anyone- or to create an either/or idea- that is NOT who I am.

Giveaway! Nurture Collage Print

2012-01-27T10:16:00.002-06:00

In honor of LOVE day (aka Valentine's Day)- 3 Lucky, Random Winners will be chosen on Valentines day- 2012 to receive a Free 8x10 print of my New "Nurture" Art Collage!

All you have to do to enter the contest is FOLLOW MY BLOG by Email! Enter your address at the left.

I will post the winners here on this blog on 2/14/12 and will contact the winners for shipping information.

Good Luck!

Watch where you're going!

2012-01-22T21:05:00.001-06:00

“If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace else.”
- Lawrence J. Peter

I cannot tell you how many times my clients say "I don't know", when I ask the question, "what would give you joy in your life?"

It is so important before you head in any direction in your life to know where you are headed- but most importantly why you want to go there. We do so many things because we are "supposed to" do them and many times we don't stop and ask ourselves if what we are doing is really helping us accomplish what we want to accomplish- or even if it's necessary for our true happiness.

Such as:
What do I want my marriage to feel like?
What do I want my job to give to me?
What really makes me want to get up everyday?

Just asking these questions and (most importantly) taking the time to answer them, can give you a direction, a focus for your energies.

Take the time, every single morning, to ask yourself- what do I want from this day?

The day is your gift- it is given to you, for your own enjoyment- so dive into it and expect it to give you moments of joy :) Do not waste a minute on not knowing who you choose to be or what you want out of your precious time! Every moment holds the potential for joy- if you remember you are looking for it..... and you take yourself off autopilot and be fully present in the moment you are in.

Sometimes I think God loves to play hide and seek with me. He hides the beauty and I love finding it. Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it's tucked deep beneath a mask- but it's always, always there.

If you find yourself caught up in busyness or the illusion of mundane- change it by simply focusing on what could give you pleasure in the moment you find yourself in. If you are caught in traffic, look around you, find the beauty, the humor, the tenderness, look at the nature around you- I promise you it's somewhere waiting for you to find it- Offering you a smile, a sweet moment, a deep breath, peace and a "I'm glad I'm alive" moment.

If you are doing the laundry, take a moment and smell the sweet scent of your loved one on the clothes you are about to wash, or feel the softness and notice the colors- the beauty is always there- always.

When you are cooking a meal and you just don't feel in the mood to cook another dinner- notice the colors, the smells of the food and the variety of textures. Don't let the idea of "have to" rob you of what is there, offering you the gift of appreciation.

There is just so much joy offering life around you, and the truth is, you need do nothing to see it and know it but be present to it.

So, know where you are headed and as you go there- ENJOY the journey.

LOVE THIS!

2012-01-20T10:15:00.001-06:00

I came across this incredibly artistic & creative planner for 2012!! I had to share it with you cause it's so beautiful and truly a gift for yourself. When I came across it I thought cool idea and ten bucks- it's worth a shot..... Little did I realize, the creator filled every page with color and watercolor art, along with thoughtful meditations, intention setting for 2012, and a monthly planner. It ROCKS!

This morning I made myself a nice cup of warm coffee and started working through it. I loved it so much I have decided to make it a weekly ritual to help get clear on my intentions and to live a year of NO REGRETS (my theme for 2012).

Hope you check it out and if you buy it for yourself- let me know how you like it :)

Goddess Guidebook for 2012

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

2012-01-17T16:40:00.001-06:00

My Poem:

As I looked into the mirror,
I was gently surprised by the kindness looking back.
"How lovely you look today", said the eyes smiling at me.
As I peered deeper,
the kindness drew me into deep caressing waves,
comfortable and understanding-
a lifetime of pushing self away and pulling self back.
The cruel game is over,
this much is clear.
The eyes say it all.
I am loved.

I am only 41 years old and I really really like myself. I do believe this is like finishing the race early.
I meet so many faces each day and I see the doubt, and self hatred splintered inside calling out to be loved. "I've been there", I am reminded. And I say a silent prayer.

I am blessed by own courageousness- I never gave up on loving me, no matter how scared I became at the pits of loneliness I found in my own heart and the mountains of neediness I discovered deep in my belly. I never gave up on me.

There were times I wanted to run- as I came face to face with my own anger and I knew she was going to kick my ass. But, I didn't. I stayed put, planted my feet, opened my arms and said, "I'm not leaving".

Over time, I began to believe myself. I let the love creep in, and clean out and heal.

I was worth it and so are you.

Don't Settle for Small Fish

2012-01-10T09:15:00.000-06:00

One of my hobbies is to study scripture and find the deeper meaning of it- the hidden teaching that only my own soul can point out to me. Lately I've been exploring the Gospel of Thomas (which is a Gnostic Scripture- my favorites!)
This morning I woke and read this awesome but simple and profound truth:

And Jesus said: Man is like a wise fisherman, who cast his net in the sea and drew it out of the sea when it was full of little fishes. Among them the wise fisherman found a large good fish. He cast all the little fishes down into the sea. He selected the large fish without difficulty. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.

Well, Soul of Mine, mine ears are ringing with understanding.
Toss back the small fishes- aka let go of the small ideas that only slightly nourish your spirit and go for the "large good fish" that you know will fill and satisfy you.
I love that it also says, " He selected the large fish without difficulty"- which for me means- It was right there in front of his face- easy to spot if he was willing to see it.

I've been slightly struggling with letting go of offering crossing over readings for a month now- it feels like small fish to me. It no longer offers me the fulfillment and satisfaction- in fact in never really did. I would have to honestly admit I offered the service all these years because I felt like I SHOULD (cringing). I always got second hand joy from it- receiving satisfaction only from the joy it gave others. Some may see it as selfish to want first hand joy- but I know better. I deserve it and so does everyone else. To me, JOY is the big fish :)

I am a big advocate of doing what brings you joy- not what brings you guilt if you don't do it.

So, today, in prayer and humility I asked my Soul to remind me of my strength to let go. To let go of all the small fishes in my life that drain my energies and rob me of the time I want for other things- like art and teaching and loving and encouraging others to Sparkle.

I can taste that fish already.....

A New Year's Thought on 2012

2012-01-02T20:06:00.000-06:00

I have been waiting for the year 2012 for more years than I can remember. This long awaited time of prophecy and world changes has been a motivator for me in many ways.

I cannot profess to know (and I think no one truly knows) what this time will bring for our planet and our spiritual consciousness. But I do know what I long for and what my prayers are filled with- PEACE and the REMEMBERING OF OUR DIVINE NATURE.

The fact is, even with all the mayan prophecy hype, the end times stories that fill the internet and many churches across our nation- we cannot know what is to come. But, we can take advantage of the momentum of change that permeates the consciousness of so many, and use it to our advantage. We can live BIG and live HAPPY. We can Give our Full SELF to the world.

I have decided to live with the greatest integrity I can this year- to live like I was dying- as the famous country song proclaims. I will make each day matter. I will love as deeply as I can. I will Share my light and wisdom in every opportunity that presents itself. I will smile at myself in the mirror each day and remember to say "I Love YOU" to the face looking back. I will take the time to play, to drink margaritas with my husband and play my mandolin while belting out my favorite songs, and to laugh at my humanness more than not.

I will be kind to my children and touch them with gentleness at least once a day.
I will break rules that need breaking and challenge shame in every moment.
I will not hide myself from anyone- I will let my light be seen by anyone who is willing to witness it.
I will fall more deeply in love with my Creator and I will show this love in my actions towards others.

I hope in my heart that I am sitting as I sit now, in Jan. of 2013, with a smile on my face and a warmth in my heart for the whole last year of my life- whatever the cycles of life bring my way.

2012 Bring it on...

May you Know.....

2011-12-15T07:34:00.000-06:00

This Holiday Season may you remember.........

May the Grace of God be with you always, in your heart
May you know the truth inside you from the start
May you find the strength to know that you are a
part of something beautiful...

Forgiveness and Humility

2011-10-19T20:16:00.001-05:00

Tonight I was touched by Love.
I realized I have been angry about a lot of things I haven't allowed myself to even deal with and this has led to some harsh behaviors on my part. Yuck, yuck, and ouch.
While I do not feel shame, because I truly love myself and know I'm doing the best I can, I do feel remorse- Remorse for not having allowed myself to be more patient and let my steam cool down before I responded.
Because I didn't wait, I burned two people who didn't really deserve my fire-y words.

As I sat down tonight, became still and relaxed a familiar voice came forward. It melted my ice and opened my heart and healed my thoughts. I let go of my anger which served as a wall guarding my heart. I opened my eyes and saw the innocence of the two women I mistreated. I cried and I woke up- to myself, to love.

I am human. My life constantly reminds me. I am love. My life constantly reminds me.
I asked for forgiveness and in the asking alone I am already whole.

Thank you God for loving me. Thank you for your gentleness and for not pushing me to move forward before I was ready. My heart is full with gratefulness.

Winners of Free Art Giveaway!!!

2011-07-01T10:45:00.000-05:00

I drew the 3 winners this morning for the Free 8x10 print of my painting "Grateful Heart"
Congratulations to: email address is omitted for privacy of subscriber
1-mmealey
2-msjewels99
3-susan klopfer

I will be contacting you via email to get your mailing address :)
Your free prints will be mailed out July 5.

Thank you to all of you who signed up!

Shake it Baby!

2011-06-24T12:39:00.000-05:00

I recently purchased a new exercise video series due to so many recommendations by some ~~skinny bitches~~ friends of mine. It's called Zumba, and yeah I know, it's been out in the world market a long time now. My body, however, was just recently ~~shaken silly~~ introduced to it.

Holy smokes and hell fire- it's hard! "It's so fun! You'll love it!" they all said. Define fun please.
I should have asked.
If watching yourself and your sagging breasts bounce around like your ass has been disjointed and you're trying to seduce the tv- then yes, it's fun.
My arrogance, oh my old smart ass self, said no problemo when I bought it. I used to be a dancer, this is gonna be easy peasy.
Popped it in and find myself heaving and panting with sweat stinging my eyes and that was only after watching the "how to" beginners tape. Shit.
After flushing my stuck up self down the toilet, I looked in the mirror and said, "Girl where did your youth go?" at which point my stuck up self's head popped up out of the toilet and said, "down here with me".
Bitch.

Personal Manifesto

2011-06-11T09:00:00.000-05:00

Thank you Queen Dani, my bff, for the awesome workshop on becoming a sovereign woman.

My favorite part, which honestly required the work of all the weeks before it, was writing the personal manifesto to and for myself.

To read it daily has been an attunement, an alignment with my true self. To know the words are my own and come directly from my own heart and my own life experiences have made it incredibly effective in comforting and encouraging me to keep embracing my life.

Respect yourself. Only say YES when you really mean it. Remember who you really are and what you are worth. Be authentic. Apologize when you make a mistake. Honor your agreements as long as they honor you. Remind yourself everyday of what matters to you. Never give up on your dreams. Allow change. Give freely of yourself. Don’t hold back, SPARKLE BIG.
Receive. Give.
Be patient with yourself.
See Beauty in yourself and all others, even if you have to look deeply to see it.
Be Willing to Forgive.
Be Kind to all of life. Honor the Earth.
Explore.
Be open minded.
Keep Learning. Keep Teaching.
Taste everything.
Desire.
Make Love often. Open up to being seen & loved.
Cry openly and often.
Rejoice in goodness. Stand up for Fairness.
Keep Grounded in Truth. Speak what you know to be true. Listen and make room for the truth of others. Be open to changing your truth.
Challenge Repression.
Rest often. Play everyday. Create Freely.
Radiate Joy with wild abandon.
Embrace your humanity.
Love the way you want to be loved.
Never forget life is temporary.

Free Art Giveaway

2011-06-09T10:30:00.002-05:00

I'm giving away 3 free 8x10 prints of "Grateful Heart" my newest painting.
All you have to do is FOLLOW MY BLOG, and you are entered to win!
3 random winners will be selected and announced on July 1, 2011.
Here is a picture of the painting.

Wear your Cape & Crown

2011-06-09T09:31:00.001-05:00

I have a card that sits in my art room, that I purchased at Three Sister's Spirit which reads:

I'm fairly certain that given a Cape and a nice tiara, I could save the world

Now, aside from the literal translation- I love this card and it's truth because of what it reminds me about myself and my life.

My "Cape" is my faith of a divine plan for my life. I carry it on my shoulders as a sense of responsibility to myself and to my fellow souls on this Earth. I know in my heart I am here with a very clear purpose and that my life will flow and carry me in each moment towards expressing that purpose. If I enjoy it or not, it's my choice.

I discovered my purpose in 2001 at my ministerial training retreat. Our teacher had suggested that we go sit with God, alone, and listen to why we had been called to the ministry. I admit I was afraid, not of hearing nothing, but of actually hearing something that felt too big, or heavy to take on.

It wasn't long before I heard that internal sweetness inside my soul, whispering to me of things I had forgotten. "You are here to remind them they are LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY" A simple simple statement- with a deep deep understanding attached to it. Tears came easily as I felt that Grace touch my heart. I knew, I remembered my purpose.

"How simple", I thought. Geeze, that's it? No going out and saving the world? Feeding the hungry in 3rd world countries? Nope, just remind them they are loved- completely and totally loved.

I cannot explain the excitement and peace I felt in this moment. I knew not only that I could do this, but how I was to do it. I knew that as a healer and counselor I was to show those who crossed my path how to release shame. I was to wear a Crown, a knowing-ness of my own worth, my own perfection, in the eyes of God. And wear it proudly so that others could feel safe in wearing their crowns around me and eventually feel safe in wearing their crowns into the world.

As Marianne Williamson says,

“Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.”

So, today, I invite you to wear your crown and put on your cape. Stand in the truth that there is a plan for your life and that you are loved completely. And as you suit up to face your day, be ready because you will, undoubtedly affect the life of another and help to make this world a better place.

Being Queen: giveaway

2011-06-09T08:56:00.001-05:00

Being Queen: giveaway

I just finished this online art/healing course and wanted to share it with you all!
Queen Dani is even giving away two spots to the next class FREE.

It's really quite fun, but most of all it helps you define who you really are. Dani is such a wise and fun teacher who walks the talk.

Ferris Wheel of Life

2011-06-03T10:35:00.001-05:00

Life is a ferris wheel.

It goes around and around, up to the top, down to the bottom- where one day we choose to get the hell off. Sometimes the circle flows slowly and lingers at the top, feeling spectacular and fulfilling. And other times, it's f***ing nauseating and feels like the guy running the machine has lost his marbles.

Some days I sit back and wonder- is my life just stuck in high gear?

I am a perfectly sane, deeply aware and grounded individual, but the chaos around me is almost too much to bear at times. Yet, I'm sticking it out, cause I like that view from the top. Might even admit I'm addicted to it.

I love the moments after hell has broken loose, faith was held, truth was spoken and feet were planted firmly in who I am, that I find peace and a deep quiet sense of "see everything does work out for the better". AKA- the View is Great from UP HERE. Today I'm in that place.

The wheel's been spinning fast these last few months. I've definitely had to use my "barf bag" option. With white knuckles gripping the handrail and screaming at the Universe "ENOUGH!" on the down swings- I've made it through a sickening ride.

So maybe my hair looks like I was attacked by horny crows and I almost shit myself once or twice- but I made it through, I f***ing made it through.

Now, just say a prayer the guy running the show will go eat lunch and I can get a break.....

Melting is good for you...

2011-05-09T14:52:00.000-05:00

I'm melting today. You know the feeling, when your body goes all soft and tired and you feel like a wet noodle just pulled out of hot water. Yep, that's how I feel.
My essence is leaking out all over the house and it's looking like someone else will have to do the clean up- LOL, cause there's not much of me left but ooze and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT.

Do you ever get to the point where your body takes over and says, "that's it, lights off- you're done my dear."? It seems I think my tank can run on empty and even when the vapors are evaporating I try for just a wee bit more- then..... I melt.

I know some of you are gasping, "my how unhealthy" and "you should stop sooner", but my lovelies, I've learned it's how I work. And, it works really really good for me. In fact, when I try to do it the other way, taking frequent breaks, etc. I just don't thrive. I LOVE GOING FULL ON and FULL OFF. And, I'm not gonna fight it anymore. You just can't get to that place of total let go if you don't give life your everything, everyday.

So, knowing myself as well as I do, I'll not fight it anymore, I'll just melt. Ahhhhh.... oozing out onto the couch, nothing to be, nowhere I have to go. Yum, it tastes good this lazy daisy-ness. No guilt, just letting go.

I love that my body is healthy and can go, go, go and then melt into stillness. Not sleeping, mind you, RESTING, MELTING INTO Blissful no-doingness.

I've even caught up on my favorite soap opera today, and can see after 6 months, I haven't missed a thing. Sammy still doesn't know her husband is a fake and Chloe's still crazy.... I guess some other things thrive on stillness too.

If you are a man who loves a woman- it's time to be conscious

2011-04-19T08:50:00.000-05:00

This video was sent to me by a friend. As I watched it I felt deep sorrow rise up for release, healing.
I cried for myself, for my daughter and for all women, tears of gratitude.
I did not even know the depth of wound that was within my own soul for the injustices of the divine feminine.
I felt the sincerity of these men and my heart wept, my soul celebrated at their bravery and humility.
I feel hope for what could be- do you?

For All Mothers of Daughters

2011-04-18T12:33:00.002-05:00

Tay's Birthday wish with her Grandma watching

This is from Tina Fey- one of my favorite comedians. It is a Prayer for her daughter, and being the mother of a 16 yr. old, I can so relate.
Enjoy!

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

May she be Beautiful but not Damaged, for it’s the Damage that draws the creepy soccer coach’s eye, not the Beauty.

When the Crystal Meth is offered, May she remember the parents who cut her grapes in half And stick with Beer.

Guide her, protect her
When crossing the street, stepping onto boats, swimming in the ocean, swimming in pools, walking near pools, standing on the subway platform, crossing 86th Street, stepping off of boats, using mall restrooms, getting on and off escalators, driving on country roads while arguing, leaning on large windows, walking in parking lots, riding Ferris wheels, roller-coasters, log flumes, or anything called “Hell Drop,” “Tower of Torture,” or “The Death Spiral Rock ‘N Zero G Roll featuring Aerosmith,” and standing on any kind of balcony ever, anywhere, at any age.

Lead her away from Acting but not all the way to Finance. Something where she can make her own hours but still feel intellectually fulfilled and get outside sometimes And not have to wear high heels.

What would that be, Lord? Architecture? Midwifery? Golf course design? I’m asking You, because if I knew, I’d be doing it, Youdammit.

May she play the Drums to the fiery rhythm of her Own Heart with the sinewy strength of her Own Arms, so she need Not Lie With Drummers.

Grant her a Rough Patch from twelve to seventeen. Let her draw horses and be interested in Barbies for much too long, For childhood is short - a Tiger Flower blooming Magenta for one day - And adulthood is long and dry-humping in cars will wait.

O Lord, break the Internet forever, That she may be spared the misspelled invective of her peers And the online marketing campaign for Rape Hostel V: Girls Just Wanna Get Stabbed.

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

And should she choose to be a Mother one day, be my eyes, Lord, that I may see her, lying on a blanket on the floor at 4:50 A.M., all-at-once exhausted, bored, and in love with the little creature whose poop is leaking up its back.

“My mother did this for me once,” she will realize as she cleans feces off her baby’s neck. “My mother did this for me.” And the delayed gratitude will wash over her as it does each generation and she will make a Mental Note to call me. And she will forget. But I’ll know, because I peeped it with Your God eyes.

Amen.

-An excerpt from Tina Fey's new book -Bossypants, 2011

Life can be messy but Courage cleans it up

2011-04-11T15:01:00.001-05:00

I took this self portrait a few days ago. The necklace, which reads "Courage to be ME" was something I made for myself years ago. On the other side of it is a picture of Calamity Jane, cowgirl boots and her gun included.

Some days, I just need to wear it. Life has been messy and challenging lately, things are changing all around me and inside of me. Don't get me wrong my love, I'm up for the challenge, as long as I've got my cowgirl boots and gun at my side (grinning).

Really though, joking aside, it's my courage that I find to be my greatest asset in life. The courage to keep getting up, keep telling the truth, and even when I'm tired to keep asking for more. It's how I'm made and I trust the one who put it inside of me to teach me how to use it in the best way possible. So, courage has to be challenged to grow and fear has to be stared down in the face with a bring it on attitude in my world.

So let the changes come- let the world I had thought I'd created crumble down to make something new. I've got my heart of gold and the courage to ride it out. But most of all I have my faith that there is goodness in all things and things fall apart so they can fall together.

So me and my cowgirl boots are ready for life's next adventure with courage in heart. Yee haw!