Work Related

• The ins and outs of my business. Losing and gaining clients. All the frustrations therein.
• I fired a toxic client.
• I let my longest client (of a decade) go so I can concentrate on the the things coming in the next couple of years. My work with him was a significant mental drain.
• I’m slowly closing that business to open a different one in a different field.
• Way too many, “What the hell do I do with the kids?” days where they had no school and I didn’t have work off.
• Jay started the decade with a career change into security after two years of unemployment. He’s still with the same company, holding 7 different posts, and is now the Watch Commander of his shift. A decade of the graveyard shift, and still going.
• He’s dealt with more than his fair share of burglaries, assaults, drunks, thefts, and trespassers in his work.
• He had to testify in court about a particular experience in which a high trespassing woman attacked him with a fire extinguisher.
• He fended off a knife attack with a mentally ill drunk who thought he lived at Jay’s work, and that Jay was stopping him from getting into his home. He came home and the first words out of his mouth were, “It’s not my blood.”

Travels, Friends, Entertainment

• Have watched two friends’ marriage crumble, and all I can do is be a sounding board.
• Friend traveled to visit me twice – once when mom died, once when dad died.
• Jay went to San Jose to see his brother graduate from rehab.
• Logan went to Ireland.
• Logan went to Pennsylvania.
• Logan went to Bellis Music Camp – 2 times as a camper, 1 time as a junior counselor.
• 4 camping trips
• 1 girls weekend in Palm Springs
• 3 DCI shows
• Big Bear for Christmas when I didn’t think I could handle the grief of it at home
• San Jose for Christmas
• Logan went to Palm Springs with Amy
• Pahrump
• Jamaica (first real family vacation ever)
• Las Vegas
• 3 Renaissance Fairs
• 5 time the kids went to San Jose to visit grandparents
• 2 Idaho trips to look at property
• Dallas to watch the Cowboys in a home game
• Transiberian Orchestra Concert
• 4 tattoos (of 10)
• Made friends. Lost friends.
• Said goodbye to some toxic people – mostly family
• Jay got to drive fast cars on a racetrack
• 40 birthdays among my little family.
• 10 (out of 21 so far) anniversaries with Jay.

School & Kids

• Got two kids through elementary school and middle school – and all the volunteering, notes, field trips, lunches, homework, and recitals that entails. Oh.My.God. the volunteering (which continues).
• Got one kid through high school, and the other is almost done.
• Joseph being tested for a clinical trial for children with bipolar. He didn’t qualify for the trial. He’s left-handed. Turns out, left-handed folks’ brains are physically wired differently and the study needed to be an apples-to-apples study. He’s not bipolar anyway. He has early onset schizophrenia.
• Transition to and graduation from a special needs elementary, middle, and high school for Joseph.
• Transitions from elementary, to middle, to high school for Logan. He’ll be a senior next year.
• Logan gained a girlfriend (and it’s almost their year anniversary).
• 2 Elementary graduations.
• 2 Jr. High graduations.
• 1 High School Graduation.
• 42 IEP meeting for the kids.
• Logan started playing music with the ALF. Weekly lessons at 6am. Oof.
• Logan started in the Jr. High orchestra, then moved to Jr. High band.
• Logan moved into High School Marching band, Concert band, and Winter percussion.
• Countless rehearsals Logan is driven to and from.
• Countless parades, concerts, fundraisers, camps, field shows, and competitions to be loaded in, loaded out, transported to, and volunteered at.
• Junior High dances were attended.
• Homecoming was attended
• Logan was Student of the Quarter for Science
• Logan got his driving permit
• Joseph began and ended football.
• Joseph began and ended karate
• Groundings and fights and arguments and punishments and consequences.
• Sex talks
• Learned how to do life – like laundry and cooking
• Received a PTA Founder’s Day Award for my work with the elementary school (over a decade of being the Communications Chair)
• Became VP of Communications for the MPA – in my 5th year

Pets

• Many, many vet visits that didn’t make it into the calendar
• Gained a dog named Lucy.
• Cared for a cat through intestinal cancer.
• 2 cats lost, Sassy & Pebbles
• 2 cats gained, Ginger & Mozzie

Medical

• 5 different psychiatrists gone through for Joseph (7 total)
• 3 endocrinologists gone through for Joseph
• 5 therapists gone through for Joseph
• We took the step of medication for Joseph.
• Threw out my back/hips – turned out I have an issue with my pelvic bones and vertebrae courtesy of pregnancy. Months of chiropractors and months of physical therapy. Still not totally there – but I’m not bent over in back pain either.
• 26 therapy visits for myself.
• More than 355 dentist/doctor visit among our family almost always needing labwork ahead. This includes regular doctors, eye doctors, pediatricians, gynecologists, surgeons, endocrinologists, cardiologists, therapists, psychiatrists, radiology, and oncology
• Diagnosed with adenomyosis – hysterectomy incoming this year – bleeding more than I’m not
• Attempted uterine biopsies – not possible in office. Turned into biopsies in the hospital under general anesthesia
• Major dental work including bone grafts, caps, bridges, and dentures
• 5 mental hospital stays – with the ER, police activity, red tape, and followups entailed
• 1 broken nose
• 1 broken thumb
• 1 mammogram
• 3 ultrasounds
• 1 open abdominal surgery with two teratomas and several fibroids removed from ovaries and uterus (and the accompanying recovery time)
• Severe ingrown toe requiring ongoing care and infection management
• 2 chest xrays
• Severe burn
• 2 eyeglass prescription changes – including moving to progressives.

Housing/Transportation

• 2 car accidents
• 3 septic visits for emptying and repairs
• 3 times switched phone/internet/cable companies
• 2 homes gained through inheritance
• 2 homes sold
• 2 homes rented
• 2 cars purchased
• 4 vehicles obtained
• 3 vehicles given away
• 1 ticket
• Landscape redone
• Outside of houses painted

Drama, Crap, and Grief

• Helped my dad care for my mom through illness and Alzheimer’s.
• I watched my mom die on Father’s Day, 2013.
• I helped dad, Jay, and my kids deal with her death. Not to mention my own grief and issues.
• Helped dad through life without mom – Paying bills, and getting affairs in order, etc.
• Visited with a lawyer 10 times in helping my dad, dealing dad’s estate, and then family drama resulting from estate.
• Walked dad through diagnosis of Stage IV Prostate Cancer – including oral chemo, pain meds, hospital stays, biopsies, pet scans, oncology visits, and so very much blood. Learned how to administer fentanyl.
• Took over dad’s financials when he was on too many pain meds.
• Moved in with dad to care for him.
• Started in-home hospice to care for him.
• Dad died on my birthday in 2018.
• So. Much. Family. Drama. The black sheep. The one who’s not “really” their kid. Hatred that I’m the one in charge. Being blamed for actions taken by others decades before. Death – or really… estates – really bring out the worst in people. I’m still working it all out here on the blog. Jay eventually had to take over familial interactions.
• Worked with bankers on estates (a new one for me)
• Learned way too much about Family Trusts
• Fought with a neighbor over and over again over septic smells… Coming from her house… that she blamed me for.
• Installed security due to family drama. And got law enforcement involved on several occasions.
• 12 court/legal/medical legal/government proceedings for Joseph

Who knows what the next decade holds? In the next couple of years, we’ll see a major operation for me, someone getting their driver’s license, another high school graduation, cleaning out of probably 100 years worth of cumulative stuff of my parents’ and their families, purchase of land and a house or building a house in another state, and moving to another state. Not to mention the gains, losses, happiness, grief, sadness, and milestones.

This next year… This next decade… I will bloom.

In July of 1998, a few months after my wedding (perspective: I’ve been married over 21 years now), mom and dad created their trust. I have no idea what arrangements they had, if any, prior to that date, as I’ve not come across anything.

In that original trust, first, of course, everything from personal goods to money, to medical decisions was left to each other. One exception, dad left some specific items to folks, and mom left money and her vehicle (whatever was “her” vehicle at the time) to her son from a previous marriage, Robert. Then, should both pass, two friends were left as co-trustees until I came of age, and then I was to co-trustee with one of those friends. Once they were both gone, certain dollar amounts went to various family members, friends, and organizations, after which, the rest of their estate and personal goods came to me. Should I be gone at that time, that would go to my children, should I have any (at the time we didn’t). I didn’t know about this trust.

Over time, like, a decade, my mom had gotten sick a few times seriously, so I asked what they wanted, and what their arrangements were. My mom didn’t want to discuss it, but gave me the trust to read and let me know the location. And there things stood.

A couple years after mom died, I did pressure dad into reading it. Having read it myself, I had a suspicion he didn’t actually know what was in it. Mom had a tendency to do whatever the hell she wanted and then shove papers under dad’s nose to sign. So, I confronted him with that fact, which he agreed was the case, and told him he needed to read it. He refused. He asked me, instead, to write up a cliff’s notes version – a cheat sheet – that just told him the facts without the legal jargon.

Side note: I strongly suspect that dad had an undiagnosed learning disability of some sort.

And so, I did. I just took a piece of paper and wrote down who got what, and who was in charge, and what would happen if medically incapacitated, etc. I told him, if he didn’t want changes, cool, all this would stay as it stood. So think – when you pass, is this what you want? There were two changes I knew for sure *should* happen, but if it didn’t, that was fine. One of the co-trustees was no longer doing estate work (however, the date had already passed for me to take her place), and Robert had passed away before mom. And there was one item that HAD to be updated. They hadn’t mentioned who should make medical decisions once one of the spouses had passed. The language made it seem like the trustee/s would, but I wasn’t clear on that one, as the medical power-of-attorney seemed to be a different bit in the document.

But, as I suspected, he definitely wanted to make some changes. He didn’t want the charity mentioned to receive the funds prior. He’d had a bad run-in with them after mom died. He had changed his mind on who he wanted to have the specific items in his will portion. He didn’t want the friends mentioned to receive the money mentioned as he’d not spoken to them in a decade. And he didn’t want the co-trustee to touch anything, as this person had begun their descent into dementia. The changes he wished to make made sense, and more importantly, the changes were what he wanted.

I strongly believe that the person who earned the stuff gets to determine where it goes. If they don’t make arrangements, fine, to court we go to make decisions, but that’s just irresponsible in my opinion. But if you DO make arrangements, then you get to determine your estate.

There was one point that I absolutely pressured him on, and have no regrets doing so. His medical power-of-attorney – in other words – the person making medical decisions on his behalf should he be incapacitated. He wanted to list a friend, who was just as old as him (early 80’s) and lived 3,000 miles away. That seemed stupidly impractical to me. When I confronted him on it, I realized his understanding was skewed. He thought he needed to list a medical person, and he didn’t know any doctors, and this person had a Doctorate in Nursing so he felt she was the most qualified. I explained that this wasn’t about medical knowledge. He would have his own doctors and medical team exactly like he does now… This was for someone to make decisions that he would want because he couldn’t. Someone who knew his wishes, etc. It was about making happen what he wanted when he couldn’t tell them himself. I very strongly wanted to be that person. I felt I was best qualified (I was the only who made him have the “hard” conversations), and knew from a practical perspective I’d be helping him health-wise anyway. Once he understood the purpose, he agreed with me.

I can honestly say that was the only point I had undue influence on. He did bounce ideas off me, and I helped him form the pros/cons of various things, but the truth is, my dad is pretty wishy washy. And I purposefully didn’t help all that much so that the ultimate choices he made were his.

It took over a year for him to make his decisions. He asked me to write up those changes, so he could find a lawyer and make it happen, but not think about it on the spot. He found his own lawyer (I believe it was a friend’s of his, so he got a referral), and went off to make whatever changes he wanted. I was not present for that. I did take him to his finalization meeting, where he was going to sign everything, but I wasn’t in the room. And the only interaction I had with the attorney was to ask how I accomplish my duties as trustee after death? And he told me to just get in touch with him and he’d walk me through it when the time came.

This was all a couple years before his diagnosis – and the changes were minor from their 1998 version – and if anything – was more generous to family members than the previous version.

There was one change he made after his diagnosis. He wanted to help LA, his homeless son I mentioned in a previous post. He was leaving a specific dollar amount to him in his trust – however – he thought he could use the help in present rather than future. But at the same time he didn’t want to give him a hand out. So – he went to his attorney and fashioned an addendum in which LA would be receiving his inheritance early, in a monthly dispersal under certain conditions, and that amount was deducted from what he was to receive after dad’s death. LA signed, agreeing to the changes. I was in that meeting as dad asked me to. Dad wasn’t a really great communicator, and wanted to make sure that the terms were completely communicated to LA. He also made me do the dispersals and the paperwork that LA signed, because I’m good at those kind of details. And so we did all that. Dad died 5 months later.

After dad’s death, I did every.single.thing. mentioned in the trust. And in fact, under my authority as trustee, I gave more than required – such as vehicles given – because I had many, many conversations with dad about what he wanted after death.

I was still lambasted.

But I know, with absolute certainty, I did what was legally required of me. I know, with absolute certainty, I did what dad wanted. Period.

I’ll get more into the specifics I ran into later. But I know I did the right thing by my dad, and it was my dad’s stuff. It’s terribly sad that it caused me to be shunned from the family (more to come on that) but is more a reflection on who these people are than myself.

Here is the convoluted story of how this teeny tiny lioness made her way into our life. It also serves as a good example of how fucked up my family is.

I’ve mentioned before, my parents were in legality/blood my great aunt and great uncle. They raised me when my biological mother Jeannette left me at 3 1/2. But, they’d had a hand in raising me until then anyway, because she tended to disappear.

They also had their own children. Dad had LA and GA from a previous marriage, and mom had RP from a previous marriage. RP has been gone a long time. He committed suicide in his fifties, the result of what we believe was an incorrect depression prescription when he was, in fact, bipolar. At the time of this story, GA was not in the picture due to a falling out that I was not privy to. LA is homeless, and is on the streets with his wife, CA.

LA and/or CA kept asking my dad for money. They had a habit of getting storage units – even using the information of my niece once, so now she can’t get storage units – using them, even sleeping in them, until kicked out or not paying and the units being locked up for nonpayment. They’d ask my dad for gas money. Or to pay off this unit or that unit. Or go to the auction so they could get their stuff back. Dad had a hard time saying no, because of the situation that they were in. But, the situation they were in was their own damn fault. They both have always been “poor mes.” Anything in their path is someone else’s fault. As an example, LA lost his last job because… CA smacked his boss across the face when he said no to some time off. Huh. Turns out battery by someone’s spouse will get you fired – and no unemployment.

They also had pets… Two very old dogs, and a cat. The cat was old too, but they never had her fixed, and let her wander out of wherever they were staying and she ended up pregnant and having a litter. The litter died, with the exception of one kitten.

They came up with a scheme with friends of theirs to steal copper piping. They got got. When they were arrested, the police contacted my dad to see if he would take the animals so that they didn’t go to an animal shelter. My dad agreed. And I wake up one day to my dad being slightly panicked, and unsure what to do with three geriatric animals and a baby kitten. I got him the requisite supplies, and helped him get them set up in the “love nest” (the little apartment behind his house). They had fleas, and dad didn’t want them getting lost in the house (remember the hoarding situation?)

After several days, they kept LA for his charges, but released CA. Dad gave her back the animals. Except… for the kitten. CA gave him the kitten, because he thought it was so cute. Dad accepted it for two reasons. 1) He thought he’d be helping them out by having one less mouth to feed. 2) He thought it had a better chance of living. LA ended up being prosecuted and spent nearly a year in prison. So CA was out on her own and any interactions with dad was strictly with CA.

Now… Dad had a long, long history with CA. I was in their wedding when I was 4 or 5 years old. So this is a long time marriage. Dad could never stand her. He thought she was terrible for LA. LA had his own issues, but Dad thought they were very, very exacerbated by CA, and he’s right. They bring out the worst in each other. So Dad really had no interest in helping her out while LA was in jail.

So… Now dad has this kitten. And he panics. He realizes that he – over 80 and getting shaky on his feet – had no business having a kitten under his feet. That this kitten was going to get lost in his house of hoarding. So – he asked if I would take the kitten. Of course I said yes.

We renamed her Ginger (previously Charlie, and they thought she was a boy). We took her to the vet because I was pretty sure she’d never seen one before. I was right. She was days from death. The fleas were eating her alive, and the parasites were taking over her insides. We got her healthy. Turns out that orange tabbies are very very rare as females, but that’s what she is. We incorporated her into our lives. The two older cats (Sassy and Pebbles, gone now) were wholly uninterested, but the younger cat, Mozzie, and her became fast friends. Which was awesome, because Mozzie really wanted to be friends with the older cats, and they were having none of it. Now… we had four cats… Way too many… But such is life.

Fast forward a few months. CA decides she should move into the Love Nest and “help dad out.” Dad was like… Hell no. Several reasons.

• He can’t stand her.
• He doesn’t trust her in any capacity.
• He doesn’t want her around his grandsons (we live next door to each other).
• He doesn’t want to give her the ammunition to establish residency.
• She’s very litigious, has sued numerous people etc. She’s never won (just because you think you’re right – remember, everything happens TO them and is not their fault? – Doesn’t mean you are), but that doesn’t mean you don’t have to follow through with the process, aggravation, and costs.

When CA realizes that this is not going to happen… She says she wants her cat back. She basically wants “takes backsies” because she didn’t get her way. Dad says he doesn’t have the cat, he gave it to me.

She says, “You will go and get my cat, and you will give it back to me.” This is during the day. I have no idea why he hasn’t blocked her on his phone, but I think he’s afraid to lose the link to his son, somehow. Dad informs me of this, and what’s being said back and forth. I go to the sheriffs in person. My question basically being… Does she get to do this, and if she shows up, what are we allowed within our rights? I was told that she could sue in civil court, as a property dispute. We’d probably win, but that’s what she’d have to do. She cannot just come into our property to take the animal back. And she cannot just come into our property without our permission. If she shows up, just give them a call.

What does dad do? He literally runs away to mom’s best friend’s house and leaves me to deal with my psycho sister-in-law.

She texts dad that she’s on the way, and dad lets me know. This prompts my second contact with the sheriff’s office. They send out a deputy. When he comes in, we explain the situation. I ask again what our rights are and he reiterates what I’ve already been told. He also tells us a few things on our house. Things like, because we have glass in our front door, when we lock the deadbolt, remove the key, or else someone can just break the glass and unlock it, that sort of thing. We warned him that she might show up – she said she would – but that she was also on drugs and we didn’t know if she’d get distracted and not come. He said just to give them a call. Unbeknownst to us, when he left, he simply went around the corner and waited.

Sure enough, a couple of hours before Jay is to go into work, she shows up at Dad’s house. He’s not there, so she texts him to get over there and bring her her cat. Dad lets her know that I have the cat, I’m not giving it back, he’s not home, she’s not welcome on the property. He then texts me. So… Jay goes next door to handle the situation. I have no idea how she got there, but she’s got her geriatric animals in a baby stroller. Jay lets her know who he is, and that she’s got to leave. She starts screaming at him (literal screaming) that I stole her cat (dad gave it to us), she’s calling the cops (please do!), he has no right to tell her to get off the property (I live here, and owner told me to) etc. That my insane son (wtf has dad been telling them about my kids??) is going to kill the cat. Jay has experience of A) having an “insane son” – we later find out he has early onset schizophrenia, and B) being a night watch commander and being involved with all manner of mentally ill folks, high folks, criminal folks, and drunk folks when on shift. So, he’s completely calm when his only response is to lean in, rub his nose, and say, “You missed some,” and walked away. She screamed at his back the whole way into the house. And this prompts the third contact with the sheriff’s office. They show up super fast (because they were around the corner), and they searched our property and dad’s, but she had left.

She’s texting nasty things to dad this whole time.

It comes time for Jay to go to work. He gets ready, as he normally does, and when he starts loading his car and stuff, he realizes that she’s across the street in the hospital parking lot, screaming at the top of her lungs at him. He decides that he is not going to be able to go to work and feel as if we’re safe. So he comes in, calls off work, and we call the sheriffs for a 4th time. They go and talk to her. It takes forever, but they convince her to leave. She says that she doesn’t need to, that she’s on public property – and they correct her… The hospital is actually private property and she’s not welcome. Regarding the cat, she can file in civil court, but she has to leave. If she does not, they’ll arrest her for trespassing. She finally leaves. But she’s texting dad all kinds of vitriol, including bringing up past issues (abuse I have not discussed here), and that she’ll go to the cops about it, etc. That he’s a horrid man, he’s evil, he’s going to jail, etc. The deputies talk to us and suggest that A) dad blocks her on his phone, and B) we get a restraining order.

Dad eventually gets a different phone number. We don’t do the restraining order, because he’s too wishy washy to actually break contact. And we still have the cat… Ginger.

After the initial things you must do after death, and the initial grief, and the world begins to turn again, you figure out your new normal.

Dad had already begun relying on me more when mom was alive. She had always handled the bills, accounts, and financials. But she had Alzheimer’s and couldn’t anymore. So – for the first time in 40 years, dad was paying the water bill. His union dues. The electricity. Balancing his checkbook. I was helping with things like that. They had made a promise to each other not to put the other in a nursing home – so he was her primary caregiver. But… You still need to go to the grocery store, the bank, etc. So I would work from his house to essentially babysit so he could handle that stuff. Towards the end, he began second guessing himself on her medical care, so I would help with those things as well.

After she passed, he slowed down. There was no one to care for any longer. With only himself to worry about, and no one to nag him about the cleaning or the house… He just stopped. He wouldn’t clean. He’s a natural hoarder, and house just piled up with stuff. The outside stuff, yard work, and home repairs began to fall on us. Only that created conflict because dad thought he should be able to to, couldn’t, but thought it was his choice not to. And everything we did – because we didn’t do it his way – was wrong. And he never ever paid for anything he could do himself. But if he couldn’t it just didn’t get done, because he should. It was a constant struggle.

He began seeing someone, Mary Lou, and old high school friend. You want creepy? Have your 80-something father talk to you about dating after your entire life of over four decades, he was with your mom. Ew.

But she wasn’t interested in a relationship, and was only interested in casual dating. Dad’s not built that way. I don’t think he has ever – ever – ever been alone. Mom was his 4th wife. The longest for sure, but he’s meant for a relationship, not casual dating. In addition, Mary Lou had family drama. She was still very involved in property and things with her ex-husband, and there was some kind of drama with that. Eventually, they stopped seeing each other.

Then… Dad got close again to his ex-wife. Very close. Like – seeing each other through handwritten letters. Except… She’s married. It was inappropriate. He was having me send her flowers and shit, because he couldn’t figure out how. They both could say, “nothing happened,” but that’s not honest. Also… creepy.

It was all just weird.

And a little eeewww.

And then he got diagnosed.

I was looking at my blog and realized that I haven’t written consistently since 2016. Wow. And then life went crazy.

Here’s a very short synopsis, and I hope to come back write more specifically.

• Mom died.
• The after mom stuff – like what happened to her body and teaching dad how to function.
• Getting used to dad’s new normal – which includes hording.
• Getting used to our new normal.
• Sassy dying.
• Pebbles dying.
• Dad becoming more dependent on us.
• Dad getting sick.
• Dad dying.
• The after dad stuff. Like my family being fucking crazy, and death bringing out the very worst in people, and realizing I really don’t have anyone but Jay. Finding out what people really think of you? I don’t know.
• Joseph graduating – and going from a minor to adult in all services.
• Jamaica.
• Lucy
• The houses – pre-selling. Selling.
• Moving, renting, the guest house, and more family what-the-ever-loving-fuck.
• Hysterectomy?
• Where we are now.
• What the plans for the future are.
• Jim. And Jeannette, my dad, and the whole tale.
• Updates on Jay, Joseph, Logan, the pets, and me, now.

I had to run to Logan’s pediatrician’s office to pick up some forms. Jay came with me as part of a larger errand run. After picking up said forms, we had to take the elevator down – which led to one of the more embarrassing moments I’ve had in a long, long time.

Jay loves me. He’s attracted to me. In general, he’s a charismatic, flirty person. And since I’m more reserved, and in general don’t know – and never have known – how to flirt, he loves to focus all that on me. And this is a good thing, after more than 21 years of marriage.

We get in the elevator, and he, a security watch commander, knows all about the cameras, and decides to put on a show. He got that look in his eye and moved in on me. He’s moving in on my neck, has a hand on my boob… and someone lunges for the elevator door at the last second and gets on – and receives a full show. Good Lord. We then spend the entire elevator ride with this gentleman and Jay discussing elevators and fun. I spent the whole elevator ride bright red, and covering my face.

And this is why I can’t take Jay anywhere.

My 20^th and 21^st years on this planet were very difficult. I knew that I had a particularly difficult life prior to that in certain aspects. That led me to believe that if negative feelings so very strong, whether it be anger, sadness, or guilt, then there had to be something else out there that might make life more bearable and worthwhile to offset these negative feelings. If not, then what was the point of even living? I wasn’t suicidal, I just thought it was pointless to live in this world this way. I was basically asking the question, “Why are we here?” So, I began my research.

I am the type of person who researches everything. I want to know all about it, the pros and cons, experiences of others… Everything. Sometimes to my detriment in decision making. I want to understand why something might exist or not, what’s good, bad, and indifferent. In my quest to figure out what the point of life was, I started researching religions. I didn’t know what I was looking for, but I knew I was looking for something. Maybe I was looking for some kind of path. I looked at Taoism, Buddhism, Wicca, witchcraft, Christianity in all its forms, Lutheran, Baptists, Protestants, Methodists, Latter Day Saints, Catholicism. Everything I could think of and more – all faith type structures I could find. Some were more mindsets, and some were formal religions.

Where I ended on my quest doesn’t matter in this story.

One the things I researched was scientology. My research into scientology was just like the other searches. I had the internet. The internet was kind of in its more infantile stages. We’re talking about 1995-1997 – not sure which year, but in there. I was experimenting with new browsers and such at a tech job, and so I was a part of that early wave of general public users. I also read books etc. I just followed the rabbit hole.

I understand how I ended up not joining Scientology versus why someone else might. My research. Others wouldn’t necessarily have done that, it’s just the way I’m built. I didn’t take a personality test, or read Dianetics, or walk into an org. I never got that far because of what I learned. But most people didn’t go that route. And why would they. It’s a “church.” They shelter you from outside news about Scientology such as in the newspaper or on the internet. It protects their image.

They do not talk about the negatives with their parishioners. They are not allowed to research, because they might stumble across negative information about scientology. They teach that’s not within their guidelines. It’s “entheta.” A good scientologist wouldn’t want to do that.

I stumbled across xenu.net/Operation Clambake which furthered the rabbit hole. I learned about what their higher teachings are on earth origins, what spiritually is effecting the earth. I learned about Disconnection, Paulette Cooper, and Lisa McPherson. I viewed her autopsy photos. Those photos might have been the kicker for me, because even with my untrained medical eye, I could see she had longer term damage. Their higher spiritual stories didn’t resonate with me I probably wouldn’t have joined anyway – but those things really turned me away.

I do not believe that they are a church. I don’t believe any spiritual path should hold the ideas of the path or your ascension on that path hostage to money. While most churches take donations and tithes, they do not withhold your path from you because you haven’t paid money. I can walk into any library and check out the Bible, Torah, Koran, or books on Paganism, Wicca, Buddhism, Taoism, etc., and get real, in-depth learning, and not spend a dime. But not in the “church” of Scientology. Walk into a church and ask for a Bible – they’ll hand it over in joy.

Their stance on psychiatry and psychology is crazy to me – pun intended. At the time I was researching, I didn’t have children. But now, I have a kid who needs medication for his mental health issues. It was a long thought out process regarding the risk/benefits of such an action. Our conclusion, he needed it. I firmly believe that without the mental health help we got and continue to get for him, he’d be dead. Scientologists are out there who don’t get the mental help they need because that would make them bad scientologists. Or have committed suicide because they didn’t/couldn’t get the help they needed. That’s a terrible, tragic reality.

I ticked it off my list of potential spiritual avenues, moved onto other things, other paths. Ever since that research, I’ve been so leery when I’ve seen commercials on TV, or celebrities espousing their strong belief. Nothing I could do about it. I’m just a chick living her life. It wasn’t like I had any direct experience where I could go to someone and say this is wrong. It was all an outsider’s opinion and an outsider’s perspective based upon my research. I’m not an investigative journalist, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t concerned about their existence.

And so I want to publicly commend Leah Remini, Mike Rinder, and A&E for their series, “Leah Remini: Scientology and the Aftermath.” To you, I say Thank You. Thank you for having the courage, balls, and guts to give voice to the issues. They know the effects this action would have on their personal life and their public life. Scientology is about destruction of their naysayers. Others have certainly buckled under the pressure. Can you imagine A&E’s lawyer bills right about now?

So, I commend them. These people’s stories matter. They deserve to be heard, helped, and validated.

I’ve never mentioned what company my husband works for. And I won’t now. But I’m heated at them, and so I’m-a-gonna-vent.

We get our health coverage via covered California. Why? Because to put our family on his work’s offering would cost 40% of his take-home pay. Which leaves 60% for things like EVERYTHING ELSE INCLUDING RENT. For example, if I paid you $100, first, you’d have to pay $40 for your medical insurance, and then have $60 for your rent or mortgage, car insurance, gas, utilities, groceries, phone or tv or internet… You get the picture. We’re on a shoestring as it is, so that’s not happening. Our rent is 20% of our pay. In other words, their offering is twice our rent. There’s something wrong there. And this isn’t actually my vent.

ANYWAY. While the medical offering is way out of our league financially, we do get their health insurance, as otherwise we wouldn’t have any, and this year, we signed up for vision. I need to take care of some things eye-related. Those premiums aren’t crazy, but this is the first year I’ve signed up for it. (My husband’s work, but he brings me all the paperwork.)

First of the year comes and goes, and I verify that yes, his payroll has been deducted, but we’ve received nothing on the vision plan. I ask Jay to find out who he has to talk to, because I don’t have a card, or a list of doctor’s or anything to prove we’re signed up. He finds the person and asks me to draft an email for him to send. (He works nights – email is his best bet.)

Email he sent:

“G’morning,

During open enrollment, I signed up my wife and I for Vision coverage. I confirmed that the coverage premium was taken from my paycheck. Will we receive any information on providers, or receive cards, or some such? There’s a need to visit an ophthalmologist, but we don’t know where to go.

Thanks in advance,”

Let me preface this by saying I have worked in HR. I’ve been the person that handles benefits, and signs employees up with the various companies. I’ve been that person you go to when you have a benefits question. So, when I tell you the response is inappropriate – I know what I’m talking about.

HR Division Manager’s Response, in its entirety, minus the signature:

“Did you read through your benefits package?  You have to ask your doctor if they accept our vision plan and they will tell you what’s covered.”

So, Dear HR Manager, actually yes, I did read through the benefits package. Vision got one half of one page, shared with dental, on which it was explained that it’s a ppo with in-network and out-of-network stuff. AND THAT’S IT. I actually know what’s covered and the copays, I just don’t know how to find an in-network doctor, or PROVE I’M COVERED TO THEM. “You have to ask your doctor if they accept our vision plan and they will tell you what’s covered” Is NOT in the package. Did YOU read YOUR benefits package? Doctors are NOT supposed to give me a primer on my coverage, should I need it, YOU ARE. They’re paid to tell me that I’m blind. So – no worries… I’ll fucking find the vision plan’s number myself, go through the run-around of getting them to figure out that why yes, this random Michele Wilcox is a covered member, and ask them to give me a list of available doctors. At the very least, you could have said this as an HR MANAGER (Remember, I’ve done your job): “I’m sorry, but the vision plan works a little differently than other coverage. If you call this number, xxx-xxx-xxxx, or visit this website xxxxxxxx.com, and tell them you’re with ABC Company under Vender Number sl;dkfjsdlfl, they’ll be able to help you find the information you need. Please don’t hesitate to call with any other questions, I’ll be happy to help.”

</vent>

All I’ll say is, in the new year, I’m going to attempt to write more, and more often. I need to journal to get some crap out of my head, and I need to take the time to do it. I do have some things waiting in draft form.

For now, I won’t make excuses. I’ll just say that 2016 has been a difficult year.

Insurance has approved the surgery. I’ll be having a  laparotomy as opposed to a laparoscopy. Meaning, instead of small incisions, using a camera and then removing the critter through a small incision, I’ll be having a fully open abdominal surgery. In my case, it’s warranted, and is the safer option.

I have a pre-op appointment tomorrow, and then my surgery is a week from Friday on May 20th. I’ll be in the hospital 2-4- days. Then full recovery will be 6 weeks. The first 2 weeks at least will be no driving. And a full week off of work. On top of it, it’s the beginning of summer, will be the last week of school, and we’ll have to cancel our first of two trips we planned for the summer.

In other words, the household will be in chaos. I’m upset by this. And I’m nervous. And I’m overwhelmed. But Ned has got to be evicted.