Away We Go

+

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 05:44:00 +0000

Let's take it back for a moment, shall we -

For months and months I delved into all things baby. How did our bodies change when we grew little humans inside? How would mine change? But first thing's first - when would I know? I'm pretty sure every month I "thought" I was pregnant. I was cramping less. Or maybe more. I was late? I was light? I tried to find a way with my fingers crossed to make it true. But it just wasn't.

It was freaky. We wondered what we were doing wrong. Was there something wrong with us? With our health? would we ever....

But then - Christmas happened.

my twitter avatar

A three week vacation - every day spent out of Vancouver - out of the entire province of BC all the way to Ontario!

There was a couch. It had an arm you pulled that let you put your feet up. There was a fridge full of food (vegetarian friendly), a stock pile of pop and the occasional wine and champagne. There was TV! Lots of TV. Especially HGTV which was oh so relaxing and fascinating. Can never get too many remodel and house hunter shows. There was family and twinkly lights and chocolatey goodness. I got along with my brother and even, get this - my mother until the last day. I saw my Grandma. Aww..

It was stress-free!

I knew I was stressed. But hell, I didn't realize how stressed I was livingworking in Vancouver until we were back from Ontario in January. My boobs were sore. More sore than I've ever felt before. They don't usually get sore. It was.... intriguing.

So, I peed in a cup and we were pregnant!

It worked! A holiday baby. A stress-free, holiday baby.

That stick lit up faster than a Christmas tree and I couldn't even believe it. I had done a few of these tests before and was waiting for the slow crawl of blue dots to speckle their way into the not-so-distinct and possibly questionable shape of a plus sign. But BAM! There it was.

A happy little +

And here we are. Today 2.5 months preggers.

It's still pretty ridiculous that there's a tiny human growing inside of my body. This is totally Xfiles worthy. But it's happening. Sometimes I think the little guy waits for the right time of day to grow. It avoids the stressful atmosphere of work and waits until I'm happy at home, on the couch or in bed. Then I remember I'm pregnant. Yes - I actually forget!

But I think that's stress too. I'm so consumed with what's going on in my stressful working life situation that I haven't even had time to really come to terms with the fact that we're having a baby. It's sad - I know. And now you know why I hate this place and can't wait to move. Vancouver fucked with my family and that's where I draw the line.

1.5 months until freedom people!

What the?

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Wed, 22 Feb 2012 02:29:00 +0000

I'm pregnant - what the?

It so ..... strange.

There's a fuck-tun (tonne?) of stuff going on here. Hence the blog silence. You would think I would be all over this shit but I've had some incredibly stressful drama going on.

WORK!
bane of my existence. I'm quitting. Before end of April. Source of drama. Source of abuse. Source of torture. Once I quit, I'll spill the details. I'll have lots of time on my hands. Speaking of hands - they're still messed up. Nerve damage and clumsy hands. No good.

Pregnancy (I promise to blog more about each of these things)

1. The first month was so effing slow
2. I've refreshed the web-o-baby so many times so I can marvel out just how ~~big~~small this thing is inside me
3. We've already been to the midwife
4. I was sick for three weeks. Nausea, cold, cough. No throwing up though. Yay!
5. I'm almost rid of my cold and feeling much-o better-o
6. We have had our ultrasound and our next midwife appointment is next week!
7. Work still doesn't know. Except my co-worker.
8. My coworker is awesome and is like my mom out here. She's already made me three or four hats and little booties.

Jealousy

Little known fact - we'd been trying for several months. Each month it felt more and more hopeless. I was so jealous when others announced their pregnancy - even friends. It's very difficult and I can totally understand if you hate me right now.

So that's my update.

We still have to plan our route and book our hotels but I should be back in Ontario before May and headed to Halifax shortly there after.

How did my life get so crazy so fast?

the best valentines come in small packages

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Fri, 17 Feb 2012 02:40:00 +0000

2 cm. 8 weeks 5 days

I'm so happy to share this news with you.

sick day

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 21:37:00 +0000

Chillin on my couch trying to get in as many liquids as possible. Even my puppy is not feeing well. I think he has major skin allergies. Poor guy. But we're keeping each other company. Catching up on Greys, Battle of the Exes and Up All Night.

Hello?

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 00:16:00 +0000

Are you there?

There are so many things happening around here.

We picked a date to move in April.
We were planning on taking a holiday in Europe, but that has since changed.
The past two weeks at work have been stressful and long. 4 months of work is came to a head on Thursday and on Monday (or maybe Tuesday) we go live. I still can't believe how much work I've put into developing our applications essentially from scratch and using entirely free tools along the way. It's been a journey.
Our roommate finally came by and officially moved out. That was a relief
Matt conducted the interview with his subject for his thesis. We were able to use a studio at SFU and it turned out really well! It was very professional. You can see his previous work here
I'm working up the courage and the timeline of giving my notice at work....

It's a lot! There's just a lot going on in my head. Work is frustrating. It often feels like staff come last, which is no surprise in a non-profit. I was so pissed on Friday. I arrived at the office to find our trolley with two coffee urns sitting on top. I had just come back from a workshop and needed a few minutes to get settled. I was lightheaded and planned on taking my lunch but I was bombarded by a colleague. I was probably too rude to her but I let her know I needed a few minutes. Mostly I was fucking pissed about the coffee. It was brought it for a casual meeting that was being held with some of our Partners. I've heard this in the office more than once - because they deserve it. Are you fucking kidding me? I have to fight to get funding for staff professional development, to be included at the table when it comes to issues that affect my workload, to get meals covered on event days that I/we work 19+ hours(2hrs sleep and back at it again) and I've been waiting for 6 months for a contract and 6 months for an ergonomic desk tray so that I don't have to be in pain for the rest of my life because of the work I do for you but you don't want to pay for it because it costs too much. And the sponsors get coffee which cost you at least $50!???????? That's 5 meals for staff, that's a good chunk of my desk tray, that's an excel course at a local college.

GRRR!

Can you tell I'm pissed?

I've been hesitant to go off about work on this blog. It'd get boring after a while anyway. I come home every day with something new and unbelievable and Matt has had enough. But it keeps happening. And I can't take it much longer. The boss is on holidays for two weeks. That should help. But this is why I haven't been blogging. I don't have the energy mentally and my arms are so sore by the time I get home.

This is one of the main reasons I'm leaving BC for a life in Halifax. I can't live and work like this. It's too stressful. It's also made it really hard to try and have a baby. They say stress plays a huge part in conception.

So that's what's up with me.

More updates on the move in due time.

Mundane

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 14:30:00 +0000

Work is starting to feel mundane. I let myself get in this pattern. I push away things that will create that ebb and flow for the comfortable everyday. It's only sometimes. And because I'm so dedicated. It pains me when I wake up and think about my day ahead, think about how I know exactly how the day will go. But that gives me control. And as an Event Coordinator I need control. It feeds my addiction.

It's nearly 6:30 a.m for me.

I'm not overly interested in testing out the applications process I've been working on for the past 3 months now. I do want to see it through. I think it's more that it's under appreciated at the moment, and I keep waiting and getting interrupted. I have to remind myself of my Friday deadline. If I let it slip by I'll lose my motivation, I won't be able to move on so easily and others will have won that head game.

That's actually quite motivating. I can't let them win! Damn it.

Now I want to do this. But it's so cozy under this blanket and in this warm apartment.

Well, it won't be long now. Before it's all over and I start my new adventure, jobless in Halifax.

Get off that couch. Feel the cold. Get to work.

meals for a year favourite - so far

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 23:09:00 +0000

So I've been using Meals For a Year to plan my weekly meals. I peruse through the winter months and try different recipes depending on my mood and what our schedule is that week. Last week we had Zucchini Cakes and they were freaking amazing! They have the consistency of crab cakes so they are crunchy but moist and oh so good! I recommend them fo sho! They went a long ways too. We had two servings they were too tasty not too, and then Matt had them for lunch throughout the week. We just refrigerated the mix.

I think the Meals for a Year project is going to get better with every year. I've already thought of a few ways to pull it together and make it more interesting next time around. Actually, I have no idea if there's even meant to be a next year, but I really enjoyed working on it and I think the other ladies are passionate enough to keep it going.

Off to write out my next grocery list!

Real Men wear Babies

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 14:21:00 +0000

Fotoshop

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 18:53:00 +0000

This video is so clever.

Looking in Halifax

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 17:19:00 +0000

TOP TEN THINGS I'M LOOKING FOR IN HALIFAX

Culture - drinking culture, arts, music, historical, coast, small-town feel
Vegetarian/Vegetarian friendly restaurants
Markets! Fresh food from local farmers and other handmade goods
Whales and other wildlife
Job Experience - something I enjoy, can make a difference with and is stress free. I also hope Matt finds a permanent position (meeting his ethical requirements of course!) where his expertise are needed and paid for ;)
A physical home (apartment first and then our first home!)
Walking distance to everything
Puppydog (dogs are always puppies to me) to rescue
Proximity to other coastal adventures - trips to Newfoundland
New friends and family (baby time)!

HOPING THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN

Conservative attitudes and politics
Expensive health care
Hard time finding friends and genuine people
Stress and financial hardship due to a poor job market
Lack of Sun - Moving to the other side of the country doesn't guarantee me sunshine, especially living on a coast.
No baby
Having to move and start all over.....

So What's Next?

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:46:00 +0000

Should I leave Facebook?

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 02:57:00 +0000

How often do you really use Facebook and like it? Matt just got rid of facebook again and for good, he tells me. It made me think, why do I keep it? I don't even like it. There has to be less intrusive ways of keeping up with my friends and family, right? Ways that don't sell my information, private thoughts and messages to third parties for a profit I'll never see.

I've been unfriending people lately. It's not personal.. all the time. I never "talk" to them, care about their posts or read their updates. It just doesn't make sense to continue to share my life with them. If I saw them in real life, I wouldn't say hi. So why do I let them see my everyday? So I went through my list and looked for any friend I would avoid walking down the street or have absolutely nothing to say to if I was forced into a social interaction.

It was hard. I liked knowing what people were up to and how they had changed (or not) since high school or university. I was so used to creeping from afar but it was just a time waster.

I find I only use the book as a sick ritual. I check it every time I open my laptop for communication from friends or family and I use it as a way to take a break from whatever I'm working on during the job thing. Sometimes there are articles and cool videos that I take interest in and share with others. But it's rare. Mostly it's all meaningless.

Am I the only one not really getting anything out of it anymore? I wonder what the point is.

I have this blog. I can share with this. There's also email and skype and the old fashion letter writing.

I guess I'm afraid that I'll lose some of those friends. They won't follow me to a form of communication that takes more time and maybe a bit more effort. Would you follow me? Would I miss out? Would you not send me pictures of your daughter as she grows? Or tell me how you're doing and where your next adventure will take you?

How do we move on from facebook? I think I'm ready. But I'm also lonely. None of my friends are not here in Vancouver. They are all over the world or the country, each in their own corner. I really don't want to lose those friendships I do have because I leave facebook.

Do you still use facebook? Really use it and meaningfully? Would you ever leave? What would it take?

smiling

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 17:24:00 +0000

change is slow

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 17:22:00 +0000

Meals for a Year

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 17:00:00 +0000

There's nothing worse than trying to go grocery shopping when you have absolutely no energy or motivation to plan what you're going to be eating for an entire week (!) let alone that day. Matt and I have broken up with many a grocery store after trying on a relationship with practically all of our options which are soooooo very different from Ontario, I might add. I will always remember the first time we went to do a grocery shop somewhere in Vancouver circling the store, looking for something we could afford. Apparently, you needed elite store cards (they're free, but I didn't know this at the time) to shop there and without them you paid twice the price. Everything was at least $1.00 more (with card) than what I was used to, and, with no source of income, that was and still is a very scary and depressing thing. So we circled and I panicked and probably cried.

We found the cheapest grocery store a town away and commuted every week when work didn't get in the way. Hauling all of the groceries by ones self and relying on public transit - not a good combination. We live in the suburbs and don't have car insurance nor can we afford absurd gas prices out here ( min $1.34/L these days) so we are using public transit. It's quite the miserable experience. Eventually we moved to Commercial Drive which is in East Vancouver. When the weather was nice, it was actually really lovely if the two of us were strolling down at our own pace and we'd often stop for a cheap pizza lunch on the way - it was pretty much a very practical and utilitarian date.Although the commute was more efficient, it took an entire Sunday's afternoon going from little grocer to little grocer to find everything we needed which, when you couldn't afford the time to stroll, didn't work.

So you'll remember by glee a month or so ago when a grocery store opened up by our apartment. It has practically everything we need and want within a decent price range for the area. I can be in and out of there in 40 minutes which is a freaking miracle. But - the problem still remains - what to eat! In the end, no matter what mode of transportation or which direction we choose, we always seem to run out of options mid way through the week.

So - after staring in an empty fridge, opting to eat out far too often, and especially after stepping on the scale this holiday season. It's time for a change.

A few months ago I signed up to contribute to a special project created by Sarah from Feeding the Soil and $2000 Wedding. A collaboration from kindred spirits, meals for a year is 12 months worth of meals which are:

vegetarian
healthy
quick and simple
limited to a reasonable number of ingredients
seasonally appropriate, when possible

Each month, check out the recipes, week by week, with the corresponding shopping list. I'm going to start this weekend with a selection from January.

why 2011 sucked and why 2012 will be better

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 03:00:00 +0000

LIST

I like lists.

house hippo

Vancouver/Friend Deception/Fairly Uneventful

You know what, it wasn't terrible. We actually had a fairly banner year where it counts. Matt did very well in the world of academia publishing articles in various journals and presenting at conferences. We both have jobs that we enjoy and perform well in. We have each other. We have Basil. We have our family. But a few things didn't come together the way I expected them to. Work turned a bit sour after the summer with some interoffice issues. But I think that's normal in most workplaces. Especially non-profits. Burn-out rates are huge in this industry and we were going through a major transition. Working so hard made sure I didn't have much room for friendships so life in Van(couver) became very lonely. The only friend I did have turned out much differently than I expected and is no longer our roommate to say the least. Through all the on-goings we started trying to have a baby. There I said it. It's public. We've been trying seriously for a few months now with no success. I've talked to a few different couples and family members and I think, with less stress, this dream of ours will become a reality. Other than the usual life planning and scheming, not too much happened. So 2011 sucked because it's really not where we wanted to be and I held myself back.

2012

move to the east coast

baby

major international travel

blogging less cryptically

new jobs

house

pay down my student loan significantly

??

I don't know how many of these things will become a reality but those are my resolutions. More on those to come in this blog in the new year.

One thing that I know for sure is I have to work to make these things happen. No one is going to do that for me. The way I understand things and how I live them out every day is up to me. Sometimes I get bogged down in the fear of it all. I'm either to scared to speak my mind, to make a move, to decide. To really try. I think 2012 is about no excuses. Life is fucking short. I'll be 30 soon. WHAT? how did that happen. I'm only 26 but years seem to go by faster and faster with each passing birthday. So 30 years old is around the bend. What do I want to accomplish before then? How do I want to live each day? I'm starting to seriously ask myself these questions and actively work towards living my life out exactly as I see it. I've done a lot to get there so far. I moved to England for a year, I did my post-grad in Event Management, I married the love of my life, I moved across the country to live in Vancouver, and now I will move to the opposite side of the country to live in the East Coast of Canada to start my family.

It's all very exciting! It might be hard. But I'll make it work.

i love you

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 01:36:00 +0000

it's my favourite to come home to you

Why I hate Vancouver

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 17:10:00 +0000

TOP TEN

LIKES

Sky Train - easy, clean, accessible
Vegetarian/Vegetarian friendly restaurants and stores
Mountains
$1.00 Fresh Slice pizza on Tuesdays & proximity to and the cost of Sushi
Job Experience - Pride Vancouver
Miso Gravy Poutine and Veggie Burgers
Walks with my love
Matt's accomplishments academically, professionally and personally
Victoria and Vancouver Island
Knowing that what I do NOT like gets me that much closer to home

DO NOT LIKES

Conservative attitudes and politics
Lack of FREE health care
Cost of Living
Pretentious people - shallow business drones and I paid $300 for these vintage clothes so I look poor Hipstirs
0 culture. There's very little authentic culture left in the lower mainland
Lack of friends - see #4,#5 & #3
Lack of Pubs (the real ones, not the chains)
STRESS!!!!
Lack of Sun - I need sunshine. Coming home to Ontario made me realize how sunny it used to be in my life. It makes an enormous difference in my every day attitude and my overall well-being - SAD is a real thing people!
Connection = 0

I was challenged many moons ago (or so it feels now) to come up with things I like about Vancouver. There had to be something, right? As you can see, it's mostly about food. For us, there's no spark, no connection. It's just not right for us. I feel no connection to this place. I feel lost and sad. I feel like I'm not myself. I tried and now I'm ready to move on. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Holidays

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 20:07:00 +0000

Happy Winter

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 16:00:00 +0000

friday

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 20:30:00 +0000

can't wait

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 17:00:00 +0000

Today we are reunited!

a walk in a dreamlike state

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 05:42:00 +0000

Yesterday marked day 7 of my holidays, and the day I ventured out of the house on my own. I took a walk. I didn't really know where I wanted to go, I just knew it would be important to revisit the familiar. I felt the pull towards the physical spaces of my life as it was when this town was my everyday. So I walked in that direction. As I walked I felt like there were eyes on me. My boots were too clunky, my hair too curly, my scarf too wild. Could they see me? Did they know me? Were they watching me negotiate this old and very new space? Passerbys and passengers seemed to leer out, almost comically into my face in this diluted state. Why was I here? Who did I think I was now?

It's very intimidating to face your past.

My feet moved, one in front of the other towards my high school.

They may have seen me walking along and probably did wonder who I was, but I didn't care too much. At least I pretended not to. I stopped just short of my high school. I felt like a creeper {thank god school was out for the day} A brand new sign and a path. There was a new trail carved into the woods we used to explore on occasion as teens. The little marshy plot which breaks up the suburbia was now negotiable via gravel and paved pathways. It was nothing like the urban trails I had discovered back in British Columbia, but it was quite the accomplishment here and offered protection for what remained of the original land. I followed the map with my eyes at first and chose to come back to it later at another junction. I walked on past my high school.

I didn't feel as connected as I thought I would to this space. I tried to connect. I looked at the entrance and scoured my brain for how I would've entered it from the bus - did I take the bus? no, I walked. Did I ever use this entrance? I remember looking at the ground. Spit, cigarettes, litter. Same. It wasn't until I passed a city bus stop and then the spot where my outdoor education portable used to sit that I felt a twinge of nostalgia. But the tennis courts weren't enclosed then.

I remembered a girl I befriended for awhile after I passed by the back of the school {above}, community centre to the left and her townhouse complex at the end of the street. I don't know, I guess I felt bad and guilty. I know we stopped being friends because we had different interests. But something tells me it wasn't just that. Her name was Miranda. I can't remember what went wrong probably because it wasn't nice for her and I have a habit of repressing memories. I don't think I was a bully in school but I remember other friends being nasty to her and not sticking up for her at the time. Thinking she was weird. I wonder if she still lives in that complex. Maybe her mom does? Does she still listen to country music?

Nestled in the suburbs beyond these spaces are two homes we used to live in. I made my way there too. I've actually dreamt of these places and in my dreams couldn't remember how to get from the first house we lived in with just my mom after my parents separation, to my babysitters down the street and around the corner. It felt like a dream now. I was floating along, not walking, and yet somehow I managed to clunk along in my new winter boots, tripping over the sidewalk. Finding the path again and the terrain changed.

Once you were on the path and inside the trail, the noisy highway disappeared and it was quite nice, actually. Signs were posted throughout which explained the area's rural history and how it was settled. This town is fairly new as town's go and is an example of the huge urban/suburban boom in the Greater Toronto Area. Eventually and quickly the trail veered off and I took an old route home from school. I veered off down a few different streets trying to remember by my physical memory how I used to travel along them. It was very bizarre, not to know where you were going but know it so well all at the same time. I walked past an old friends house, and then found my elementary school. Just beyond it was that first home I mentioned. So many memories. I wondered about the boy across the street. Was he gay? Did he marry? Do his parents still live there? There were new little children in our place. Girls vs. boys arguing and taunting one another. I wondered how they would remember this same space when they were about 20 years older, revisiting.

After 2 hours I was back home to an empty house. My walk in a dreamlike state made me very conscious of several things. Mostly, and in summary, that I know what I want. I realized that I am forever shaped by my past and the more I revisit, and visit honestly, the more I discover about myself. I think, so far, this vacation is what I needed. It's an affirmation of the things I've been seeking.

Now I know.

ah, laptop + couch

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 18:12:00 +0000

I am home!

I made it safely.

I may or may not redesign my blog again. I can't help myself.

one more sleep

noreply@blogger.com (Stephanie) — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 14:30:00 +0000

One more sleep until I am on my way back to Ontario. I haven't been this excited in ages. I think about it before I go to bed and get the butterflies in my tummy. They make me feel like it's Christmas Eve and I am conjuring up sounds of Santa and his reindeer, eyes closed tight, wide awake in my bed.

I thought what was most exciting was to be at home. Be in the familiar. Be in the comforting. But, I am not sure if it is my current displeasure at that place I go to every day in the dowtown core or the fact that I am longing to understand what it truly is that I want from a home. Is it my family? And what makes up my family? How are we going to interact this Christmas? Are we going to revert back to our old ways or for once will we create a new life, an adult relationship where conversations can be had about real life issues without screaming and shouting at the end? I have to recognize my part. I have to recognize my age and my role. I think it will help that I am not going back to my home.

The summer before Matt and I drove across the country to live here in Vancouver, BC we lived with my mom and my brother in her house in South Western Ontario. Since, she has moved in with her fiance Jim, and sold the house. Now, and I think I've mentioned this before, I don't have a room in anyones home but my own. This is so foreign to me. But I think it's great. I think it's a good start to a change in our old patterns. It immediately establishes boundaries and sets a tone and I think I need that this time around. I have to say I'm really looking forward to chatting with them. My mom is particularly good at figuring out what I could do with this drama at work. I made sure to pack some documents for her to look at. Jim always has good advice for most things because he's able to step away from worrying about me and what those decisions might entail, unlike my mom, and just talk about the situation. Or at least this is what I think. Matt and I are also thinking about buying a house in Halifax, NS. Our next journey. So it would be nice to learn about buying homes and everything involved. Adults know that kinda stuff.

Right now, all I want is to be away. We'll see what comes next. I'll be conscious, overly so, of all of this on the plane. I've never flown domestically. I don't really like flying, but I love being in an airport. The anticipation and beginning of an adventure. My friend Kevin works for an airport. He is going on an adventure soon.

Today I must endure one more full-day at work. I hope Sharon is there. She is my rock. Oh the days are so long without her. I have to tell her this. I will. In her Christmas card. She is so kind and has so little. Life has been hard for her I think. But she is still kind. I'll miss her. But I won't miss work.

One more sleep.