If you’ve been keeping up with my reviews you know that I am no fan of Daenerys Targaryen. I find her to be a loud bag of air with no power, no real reason to want the iron throne, and a gift for attracting the dumbest men who all want to protect her. I do not like the fact that this chick shows absolutely no gratitude for the things people do for her, NONE, yet they all fall for her and her ridiculous silver hair and bushy eyebrows.

“Dany” pouts, she acts as if she’s a goddess of some sort and when she doesn’t get her way she makes empty threats. This is the same act she tries on the council of 13 in order to find her stolen dragons… but the same smuggler who laughed at her before, calls her a charlatan and dismisses her desire to find her “children”. Then out of nowhere it gets confusing… somehow the freaky necromancer looking member has his creepy followers slip from out of the shadows to cut 11 of the men’s throats, then he and Xaro are standing there smiling as Dany the bag of air runs away to cry. Of course her cock blocking fiend of a stalker Jorah decides to go look for her dragons for her. Ugh I am so done with this chick.

Interesting thing this episode… both Jaime and Cersei Lanniser freely speak about their forbidden love. I’m not one to sweat an evil queen but damn does Lena Headey not have some lovely lips… (okay whew, enough of that). Cersei confessed it to Tyrion as she laments on how Joffrey is her curse for birthing children to her own brother, and Jaime confessed it after a failed attempt at escaping and standing at the tip of a sword brandished by Brienne. The Hound has his own interesting exchange with Sansa (who had her period and is afraid that mad king Joffrey will want to impregnate her) and he explained to her how much he loved killing and that her father Ned probably did too.

In the north, the green, virgin Jon Snow gets his first whiff of ripe ginger sexy and he loses his mind to the point where he allows the Wildling hottie to lure him into a trap. SIGH! A bit south the jackass Theon goes on a mounted hunt for Bran and company to capture them but loses the trail in a small town. After searching around and finding some discarded walnuts that the company of fugitives were snacking on, Theon produces 2 burnt up child’s corpses to show to his men – claiming them to be Bran and his younger brother, but one seemed to be missing an arm and it is apparent that Theon is full of it.

Tywin has a nice conversation with Arya Stark whose polished way of speaking reveals her to be a faker in her attempt of playing the commoner with the king. I have a feeling that the old Lannister knows exactly who his cup-bearer is and is enjoying the little game he plays with her but who knows what he has scheming in that balding head of his for the fierce little warrior Arya.

Of all the scenes in this episode my favorite involves the king slayer at a war of words with Lady Catelyn Stark…  Jaime goes in on her and cuts her so deep that she asks Brienne for her sword… who knows for what. He mentions how Cat was a super bitch x 1000 for the way that she treated her father’s illegitimate child Jon Snow; how Jaime has more honor than her late husband because unlike Ned he has only been with one woman… his sister… I must admit he had a point there.

To say Cat was at a loss for words is an understatement, his words found their mark and now we have to wait till next week to see what she does with Brienne’s blade.

Originally posted at: Spicy Movie Dogs

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Now isn’t this a movie filled with surprises. Who would’ve thought that of all the Avengers, The Incredible Hulk would be the one stealing the show? The beast had all but 2 lines in the movie, I think they were “grunt” and “roar” yet it was enough to make women want to have his green babies… okay maybe that’s going too far. I am going to chalk it all up to the charismatic Mark Ruffalo who takes over the role that  Edward Norton left behind in that of a very likable Dr. Bruce Banner. See in the comics and animated movies that depict the wormy doctor, Banner is tolerated by the audience, not liked. He is scared, somewhat worthless and often chained up in fear of the beast getting loose; but this movie adaptation gives us a likable, witty and quick Banner who can even volley barbs back at the egotistical Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.).

Speaking of the creature, those special effects and CGI on The Hulk were top notch. Though smaller than he should be, Hulk was quick, strong and damn scary. Ripping holes in buildings, vehicles, roads, hell anything within his path. It makes me excited for a sequel to his movie and I am sure that most fans will agree.

Any worry that a star spangled superhero would not work on a worldwide audience seemed unfounded as Chris Evans went beast mode in the role of Captain America. From the first hilarious scene where the Captain appeared till the very end when his exhausted body stood front and center as leader of the Avengers, he had our hearts. This was the Captain America I grew up with. All balls, chest out, taking charge and throwing that shield like a wraith. It was such a different Captain America than the origin movie that I was very happy with Evans.

Seriously, the portrayal of Steve Rogers (Captain America) was extremely well written. The sadness of a man being forced to live in a future which yields him no familiar things, family or friends is real. This point is driven home by one exchange with his fellow Avengers when a joke about flying monkeys is made and he excitedly exclaims “I understood that reference!” Another time they mention gods and he corrects them with the very American gusto of “there is only one God!” But you accept him either way because you, the audience, understand.

While it’s been established that Robert Downey Jr. IS Tony Stark, the best scenes for the Iron Man were those coupled with The Captain. From the 2 men arguing, to teaming up to destroy bad guys, Stark and Rogers were a match made in heaven. Sure the new Mach 7 suit was amazing to behold but even Tony Stark couldn’t go it alone in this movie and the humbling of the Invincible Iron Man was very real.

Thor is toned down a tad to allow the mortals to shine but Chris Hemsworth reprises the role wonderfully, making for the ladies in the audience to feel his thunder. Scarlett Johansson does the damn thing as super spy, femme fatale Black Widow but something seemed missing with the character. I think this may be me nitpicking or Scarlett just couldn’t keep up with her powerful co-stars but I wasn’t feeling her as much as the rest – not to say she didn’t do well however. The action scenes with Black Widow were great, and most of all the chemistry between she and Jeremy Renner was something powerful and creepily real. Can I have a Hawkeye/Black Widow movie please?

Speaking of Renner as Hawkeye, what were they thinking letting a powerhouse like him play that small a role? Were it not for Hulk and Captain America people would be talking about the amazing Hawkeye. Not to sound like a fanboi but every scene the man was in commanded your attention; from the cocky way he would brandish his wicked bow to the confidence he exuded even in the most dire situations. Seeing Hawkeye and Black Widow team up in action was a treat and while they lacked any “super powers” they held their own wonderfully.

As you can tell The Avengers was firing on all cylinders. From beginning to end you are locked in to the struggle of earth to fight a supernatural power and how it takes a few “super humans” and one demi-god to defend humanity against it. For those of us who remember how terrible a job the 3rd X-men did of this, some huge appreciation was felt for this movie. As far as bad guys go you can do a lot worse than the charming Loki played by Tom Hiddleston… dare I say I was almost rooting for the horned god?

To think that keeping The Avengers as weird and nerdy as it was in the comics (with the exception of Ant-man and Wasp being in the team) would actually work as one of the highest grossing movies in American history. I hope this serves as a lesson to FOX and creators of past abortions like The Fantastic Four that audiences don’t need their comic stories pacified or watered down. The Avengers is making money beyond the wildest beliefs and it is due to the brilliant writing, the wonderful lead-up movies and the excellent direction of Joss Whedon.

Pro-tip: Stay after the credits for one scene, and stay till the credits finish for another. You will thank me later. What a wonderful day to be a comic book nerd eh?

Originally posted at: Spicy Movie Dogs

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After this episode Theon Greyjoy will go from being Robb Stark’s bumbling idiot of a cooch-hound friend to being one of the most hated characters in Game of Thrones. The flawed prince of Pyke is so intent on winning his father’s favor that he turns his ships unto the very land where he grew up (Winterfell) and wrestles it from the hands of a tiny lord in Bran Stark. At first Bran is willing to fight for his father’s land but Theon reminds him that a good Lord sees to his people’s safety first and the young boy obeys and hands the keep over to him. I won’t get into it but not everyone agrees and before long Theon, with nasty spit dripping from his face from swordsmaster Rodrik Cassel (the man who taught all the Starks how to blade), decides to chop off the head of this old mentor rather than face the humiliation of his soldiers. It was sad and after crying in helpless regret, Bran escapes in the night with the help of Wildling Osha who offers Theon the one thing he cannot resist in order to distract him… a piece of ass.

In the North, Bran’s older brother Jon Snow is playing the part of ranger… poorly. The men of the brotherhood are hardened warriors that give the Wildlings no quarter, but the young and naive Jon is not one of them yet. After they ambush a camp of Wildlings, Jon hesitates to kill a woman and the rangers leave him to “finish the job”, which of course he doesn’t. The woman (who is a hot red-head) continuously tries to convince him to make a fire and uses her wits and charm to tease him despite her being bound and Jon is ill-equipped to handle her. One scene which stuck out the most between the 2 had the Wildling girl laying next to Jon for warmth but kept on rubbing her butt against his groin in order to arouse him.

Editor’s Note: Jon you are a fool… something tells me he should have taken the girls head. wildlign sex is probably mind-blowing and a boy as green as Jon will no doubt be inside her eventually.

FINALLY Joffrey gets some shit thrown in his face by an angry mob after seeing his sister off by the hands of Tyrion (his uncle). Not only is cow dung thrown in his face but the mob moved to get at their terrible king despite the guards and The Hound swinging deadly sword arcs their way. A few of them snatch up nobles and tear them apart… literally… I think to eat them! O.O – Worst of all  some men in the mob get a hold of Sansa Stark and push her into an abandoned area where they make to rape and defile her young, virgin body. Joffrey does not send help even when told to by his uncle, who in turn bitch slaps him several more times to drive the point home. Still Joffrey is too pissed at the crowd’s audacity to make the right call in saving his queen-to-be and Sansa was an inch away from being penetrated and ruined for life by the predators. 

Well if you’ve been paying attention you know that The Hound has a soft spot for Sansa and without command finds her with one of the men atop her, getting ready for the rape.  Do I need to say that the warrior unleashes righteous hell upon them? Snatching up the girl in one arm, putting her over his shoulder while affectionately calling her a “little bird”, the hound saves Sansa and gives her over to her handmaidens. Too bad Joffrey didn’t have the ability to read on Queen Marie Antoinette and what angry mobs do to royalty that starves them. Maybe now he will realize that his little ass isn’t invincible and that there are consequences to being an awful king.

At the castle of Harrenhal where little Arya Stark plays cup-bearer to the patriarch of her family’s mortal enemy Tywin Lannister, the Lord Baelish appears and she tries to hide her face from him. When she accidentally spills wine on the table, Baelish recognizes her but says nothing as he tells Tywin of Robb Stark’s movement south into their territory. Arya, being the little badass that she is, steals a note away to give it to the blacksmith but is caught up by one of Tywin’s guards who takes the note and made to give it back to Tywin and blow her cover. In desperation she finds her personal assassin Jaqen H’ghar and asks him to fill the 2nd contract of the 3 for her immediately! He fusses at her about the contract being so short but despite the timing, this master assassin manages to put the guard down before he could make it inside Tywin’s room to snitch. I have a strong feeling that little Arya will become a ninja under this man’s tutelage (he seems to really like her spunk) in order to exact her revenge… and oh boy I cannot wait!

Finally, little Daenerys ”care bear” Targaryen tries her “Mother of Dragons” speech on the 2nd richest man in Qarth (a spice smuggler) in order to gain his ships and he offers her a greasy slice of humble pie in order to shut her up. The smuggler explained trade to Dany and the fact that her having nothing except a woman’s virtues gave him absolutely no reason to hand her ships despite her promise of glorious conquest and riches. Pissed and offended at the aristocrats (one offered her a ship for one night of sex) Daenerys runs back to the home of Xaro Xhoan Daxos to find her people slaughtered and her dragons stolen. It’s about time is what I told myself as I could not understand how a pathetic girl like Daenerys could waltz around unchecked within a city as sinful as Qarth seemed to be.

Sorry Dany, your tough dragon talk had better bear teeth or nobody will be as dumb as Xaro as to let you play Queen when you have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! Dumb little dragon girl, I can’t wait until next week to see how she manages to get them back. My Dany impression goes something like this… “they stole my dragons! Noooooo! SNARF!”

Editor’s Note: Do you like the women of Game of Thrones? Check out the first gallery of the strong women in the show over at The Hall of The Black Dragon.

Originally posted at: Spicy Movie Dogs

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I can’t say that I am not a bit disappointed in Xaro Xhoan Daxos when he reveals that his motivations for saving dragon girl Daenerys Targaryen is to marry her and breed with her in order to maximize his ambitions. Why am I disappointed? Well there’s just something that doesn’t sit right when you have this light skinned, blonde/blue princess amongst a country of dusky people and she is prized so highly that even the richest guy in the city (who we are reminded comes from a poor island and made his fortune through his own devices) automatically wants to wife her. I understand that she has been treated like dirt leading up to this but when she took to the city it was very evident that she was the exotic catch of the day.

So the big man makes his move with Dany, promising her half of his massive vault of riches if she just parted her pretty pale thighs and let his Summer Island manhood roam free and bear him heirs that have the blood of her Dragonkin… what woman could refuse? But of course Sir Jorah Mormont steps in (full cock blocker status) and talks her out of it, promising instead to find her a ship and a reliable captain.

Remember that dark smoky thing that escaped from Melisandre’s crotch to enter Renly Baratheon’s camp? Well right after agreeing with Catelyn Stark to ally his army with Robb Stark to remove the Lannisters, Renly is run through and killed by the ghostly figure. Brienne, who was helping Renly disrobe at the time, is mortified and cries over his body as the guards rush in – automatically blaming her for slaying the king. Say what you want about Brienne of Tarth, but the one thing that we learned in this episode is that the girl can get down with a sword. The warrior dispatches the guards easily and preps to face her fate when Cat convinces her to escape with her and save the vengeance for later.

After his brother’s death, Stannis Baratheon moves in and commandeers Renly’s massive army which gives him the over in the numbers game for men who are vying for the throne.

Back at King’s Landing Tyrion Lannister finds out that his sister intends on using sorcery (fore bombs) to destroy the ships and army of Stannis and he talks the alchemist into turning them over to him instead. Arya Stark finally sees some good luck when one of the prisoners that she had released showed up as one of the Lannister’s newest soldiers. The man tells Arya that he and his 2 friends will repay a life for a death, so all she has to do is but name who will get the axe and they would do it. To test his word Arya puts a hit on the man who tortured the prisoners a few days before and true to their word the man ends up dead. This put a sinister smile on the little Stark’s lips.

Finally Theon Greyjoy sets out to try his hand at captaining a ship but is met with a very motley crew of men that don’t respect him. Jon Snow volunteers to join a scouting crew of Rangers in the north above the wall and Brienne swears herself to Catelyn Stark as her personal knight and protector. A decent episode whose highlight was the short 20 second fight between Brienne and Renly’s guards… that girl is a beast! I hope we get to see much more of that in the episodes to come as Cat travels home to see her Bran who (I must say) is doing a stellar job as Lord in his family’s absence.

Originally posted at: Spicy Movie Dogs

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Nothing makes a man more angry than having to miss epic television like Game of Thrones, but as the great Freddie Mercury once said “the show must go on!” So here we are and we are ready to talk some Thrones! Fans of the care bear Daenerys Targaryen can rejoice, the little trash-talking Dragon Mother managed to “nut up” some people into letting her rag tag group enter what looked to be paradise. Book readers bear with me here but why wouldn’t these hardened desert men not smack Dany down and snatch her dragons from her? It’s not like she can even fight… it really annoys me. She’s all: “My dragons will grow up and burn your city first! SNARF!” and a real desert killer would have been like “Shut that shit up gurl! Gimme dem dragons!” (WHAP!)

Incoming rant on body-types…

The other thing that bothers me about Emilia Clarke as Daenerys is the lack of sinewy, starved, muscle hardened rawness that would come from a Khaleesi who rode the great horse Drogo, drank blood and bathed in fire (see I pay attention). The girl looks like she lives in a castle, tended to by fat slaves and servants. Lena Headey’s body-type seems more like someone who could get down with the get down, I mean hell she still looks like a damn Spartan Queen so for her to play Cersei, the privileged lay-about… I think the two would have been better off swapping roles. I’m just saying… GET IN THE DAMN GYM EMILIA! You look too girly!

I am in love with Melisandre…

First off let me say that whoever chose to cast Natalie Dormer to play Margaery Tyrell is a cruel, cruel person. How is someone so… I don’t know… blazingly hot going to be begging her husband to put his baby in her? I know, I know, it probably happens all the time, but good lord that’s a queen that most men would happily kneel in front of… or behind… WOOF! (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)! Her hubby of course is the younger brother of Stannis and Robert Baratheon – the mouthy Renly Baratheon… a man who has a massive army, a colorful military (no seriously, they are called the Rainbow Guard) and a passionate love for his best male knight. Yup, Renly loves the booty. And to name his knights The Rainbow Guard… well, hell laugh if you want, but with warriors like the Knight of Flowers and the newly recruited amazon named Brienne, you may just get your ass kicked by a bunch of colorful sword saints.

I’m just saying… Don’t sleep on Renly. Stannis Baratheon of course being his polar opposite (a redhead loving, unwavering, boorish, homophobic, sword-wielding, witch sexing, puppet) decides to run up on him and demand that he cease his ride for the throne or their brotherly blood will not mean spit when he decides to move forward. Renly, convinced that numbers equates to auto-win for him, tells Stannis to go stick his stiff head where the sun doesn’t shine. Sigh… this won’t end well now will it?

So after the brothers parted with much prejudice, Stannis’ main lady – Melisandre, has his aide take her to the foot of the cliffs that Renly is camped out at (he locked em out) and does some actual “disturbing” witchcraft. Let me pause here and remark on how much I really, really, like this woman. Sure, she’s foul and she now has a puppet usurper drunk off of the power of her p-word, but she throws that sexiness around so easily, it is almost funny how men cant resist her. She’s all “ya, you boys want a piece of this… and yes, you can get it… but you have to part with your soul for it” – all in one glance. Actress Carice van Houten plays THE HELL out of that character and it is always a pleasure to see her do that wonderful thing she does. Even if it means spreading her pregnant legs open at Renly’s gate to birth some sort of shadowy, demon-mist. What the hell was that!?

Is Tyrion the only person actually TRYING to win Jaime back?

I have to give it to this show, if you really, really pay attention, you can see behind Tyrion’s brilliant, chess-champ caliber scheming to realize it’s intent and that is to get his beloved brother home. I mean, the little man is bringing the hammer like I never could imagine he could; he doesn’t give a crap about sadist boy Joffrey, he doesn’t let the castle schemers play him, and most importantly he has managed to systematically mute Cersei Lannister to the point where she is absolutely done. Well played sir, well played indeed.

I thought back on season 1 and I remembered The Imp when people felt sorry for him (now he’s the people’s champ). Cersei was being a bitch (I know, water is wet and the sky is blue), people acted as if he was in the way, and his own father wanted nothing to do with him. But I also recalled Jaime Lannister, joking with him constantly, understanding him, loving him, and buying him whores. It makes me really, really, respect the King Slayer even though he pokes his sister. If any of us had a big brother who had our back like Jaime and Robb Stark (to Jon and Arya), we would face hell to bail them out too!

So props to Tyrion for fencing with his brain like a master, but he is doing exactly what any loving brother would do. He’s fighting for his only friend’s life!

In other news, dangerous little Arya Stark is still a cutie-pie

During the trip north Arya Stark has a one on one with a warrior who told her that he found an easy way to fall asleep during hell by chanting the names of the enemies he wanted to kill. A few scenes later after that warrior got cut down (after going out like a straight up war wraith), we see little Arya falling asleep while chanting the names of Joffrey, Cersei, The Hound and The Mountain. She really makes me want to read the books because like Jon Snow and Daenerys, this series is slow rolling us into some sort of epic reckoning by the hands of those who are routinely treated like crap.

There’s just too much to recap after two episodes, but really these things are what stuck out to me the most and warrant discussion. Theon Greyjoy has decided to kiss his family’s ass and play Raider instead of staying loyal to his best friend Robb Stark, but I can imagine it’s a front for him to help out despite his father’s reluctance. Seriously, is there one negative thing to say about Robb? Hell, I can’t find one. Then what about them hinting that Brahn can assume control of his wolf when he sleeps?

It just keeps on getting better doesn’t it? Game of Thrones is about to get some action now with Stannis assaulting Renly, Arya being by Tywin’s side (yup that happened) and Robb routing a host of Lannister banner men. It’s getting real!

Originally posted at: Spicy Movie Dogs

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Superb martial arts action, kickass music, and the right blend of violence and gore to solidify itself as a classic, The Raid: Redemption is one of the best action movies I have ever seen. While the movie is subtitled (stay with me here) and the film grade is a gritty patchwork of nostalgic, grindhouse flair, it is very artistic in the way that the choreography, pacing, and direction flows together harmoniously.

The Raid: Redemption is a small film with a ton of muscle… within the 101 minutes of film we get non-stop action, elbow strikes, knee strikes, punches, kicks, blocks, counters, point-blank shots, knife cuts and takedowns. I think if anything The Raid had more face to wall smashes per minute than any other movie in the history of film. It was exciting, awe-inspiring and dare I say brave due to the fact that the actual story is only told through a few exchanges (when there was a break in between the fights) and the relationships that get revealed throughout the play.

One of The Best Action Movies Period!

The story starts with a team of SWAT police officers raiding a 15 floor apartment complex in order to assassinate a notorious drug lord. The 18 men each have their own stories but the focus for this movie was on one in particular – Rama (Iko Uwais), a father, husband, and gifted fighter. The film is shot in Indonesia and the language is Malay, but the Director is a Welsh Otaku by the name of Gareth Evans, he also wrote and edited the movie, which makes sense as it seemed to have real heart behind it.

The Raid: Redemption’s music was composed by Aria Prayogi and Fajar Yuskemal. Let me tell you , there was never a time where you didn’t feel the music, it would start, end abruptly and leave you hanging as a machete comes swinging or someone gets sniped in the eye through a window. The music was top-notch and appropriate for many of the scenes and it was a perfect score for the entire movie.

Above all else choreography is what makes The Raid what it is for fans like me. In my theater, the audience was literally cheering every second of the film due to the fights being like a well-orchestrated dance that had been rehearsed for years by its performers. One bad guy who goes simply by the name “Mad Dog” (Yayan Ruhian) is guaranteed to be remembered by anyone who sees the movie. His skill was on par with the Silver Fox of classic martial arts cinema, and his respect of the code was even more impressive.

You won’t see choreography like The Raid: Redemption very much… it was like Ong Bak with 20 Tony Jaa’s fighting one another – just think about that. The camera-work was crazy but did so much for the action scenes, and the stunt men and martial artists were at the top of their game. Look, if you are lucky enough to have The Raid Redemption playing in a theater near you, I would encourage you to get out and see it. This is a classic folks and you will not be disappointed, on the contrary you will probably want to see it multiple times like I do.

From now on Gareth Evans is a name I will respect if it’s attached to an action movie, and The Raid: Redemption is why. What a fabulously Spicy experience!

Originally posted at: Spicy Movie Dogs

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Oh Stannis, you poor robot of a warrior you… who would have thought that even the firm Stannis Baratheon would be weak when it comes to the prospect of magical, ginger coochie? Not just any magical coochie by the way, but some Melisandre the witch magical coochie. She wants to bear him a son and those words was what broke down his defenses as he threw the sorceress down on his battle map and thrust into her like his sword probably has many a foe. I won’t lie folks it was a hot scene… with the exception of my man Stannis’s groaning like a man who hasn’t had any in a millenia… wait he hasn’t had any.

But groaning? Damn fire king, was it THAT good? I don’t know though guys, a dangerous woman in all red, HOT AS HELL (no pun intended) comes into your war room sans underthings and walks up to you opening it to reveal all her goodies along with demands for sex. Who is going to say no? Hell, I give Stannis props for even attempting to turn it down.

Theon Greyjoy The Joke of Winterfell

This was the episode of men being conquered by women sexually it seems as Robb Stark’s best friend Theon Greyjoy sails to Winterfell to see if he can enlist his father’s naval army to assist in the war against Joffrey, the “cough” king. As he lands on shore, dressed in what he thinks is his rightful princely garb he is met with cold shoulders and aloof feedback on his lineage. The one woman who shows him kindness and a free ride to the castle is a tall blonde, slightly rough but much better looking than the rat—girl that he was sexing all the way through his trip (Theon you are a nasty whore of a man).

On the ride up, Theon starts speaking brazenly on how lucky the blonde will be for him giving her his princely penis and proceeds to feel her up liberally. Well, after meeting his father – who he hadn’t seen for 9 years, getting a cold response of questioning his manhood and loyalty, he then finds out the blonde is his battle-hardened sister. DERP! Yup Theon Greyjoy almost pulled a Jaime Lannister on his sister… a bastard son’s worst nightmare.

The headless horsemen of Daenerys…

In the deep south Daenerys Targaryen keeps on failing as a queen… just being honest.  She not only has her people starving and dying of thirst, but then she sends out her champions to go find help only to have one return minus his body. Apparently a woman leading a Khalasar is not considered cool in those parts, so the rival Khals send little Dany a message that she needs to sit her thirsty ass down and die. Seems that in the Dothraki tradition this disgraceful death is about the worst way to go that there is – his wife cried that “they killed his soul”. Whew, brutal! Of course this blonde haired blowhard of a woman (Daenerys) spouts off some nonsense promise that she probably only halfway believes and cries for the loss of one of her main men. I am really going to need her to step the hell up being that it was she who caused the death of the mighty Khal Drogo in season one.

Seriously Dany cheerleading only goes so far, step the hell up already, I’m running out of patience here!

Of course this wouldn’t be Game of Thrones without some harsh, snarky, verbal jousting by the Lannisters and their bedmates eh? First we have “Lord Baelish” the coldest pimp in any fantasy setting ever… he is made to show his true heart to us fans when a customer complains that a prostitute started crying during sex. When Baelish talks to the girl, she tells him how her friend just had her baby murdered (by Joffrey’s boys) not too long ago. Understandable right? Well Baelish aka Littlefinger goes on to tell the girl about a former ‘tute who was unhappy with customers which in turn hurt his pockets – like she was doing. He basically threatens her with this story on how he sold that girl to a man doing experiments due to the fact that she was a “bad investment”. To show that his pimping was not all ice he then gave her a day off to mourn her friend’s loss.

Is that nut on your chin or are you just happy to see me?

Well the story and Baelish’s calloused ways  was not what made me cringe the most in this scene… a girl rounds the corner with some man-juice on her mouth and Baelish seeing it, wipes it off with his handkerchief and then passes her to the complaining customer, who without thinking starts to kiss her. Ya go ahead and process that.

Finally everybody’s favorite Imp Tyrion Lannister decides to get extremely gangster this episode. Finding the eunuch Varys in his quarters speaking with his ex-prostitute girlfriend was enough to anger the little man. He and the eunuch exchange threats but it was in a way that we have rarely seen Tyrion talk before… he was coldly serious about it and it was obvious that the eunuch had crossed the line. He then dismisses the current baby-killing head of the City-Watch Janos Slynt and put his man in charge… the mighty sell-sword Bronn. He did it in such a gangster way that I can’t even explain it folks… another reason why you should be watching this show.

After that we get another Tyrion versus Cersei word war and let me tell you, the queen does spit fire folks… poor Tyrion is reminded that it was he whose birth killed their mother and Cersei is again hit with the old “you have sex with your brother, you nasty girl” attack. It’s a wonder they didn’t start fighting right then and there. I kinda felt sorry for Cersei… I mean, you had a nice secret affair going with your brother which is now known by everybody in the land (thanks to Stannis), your imp brother hates you and calls you on your crap daily… and you can’t control your bitch son who you raised and bred for you to puppet on the throne.

A Black Pirate appears!

You know one of the funnier parts of the episode was when one of Stannis’s men Davos enlists the aid of a pirate by the name of Salladhor Saan – a black pirate whose sole reasoning for helping Stannis is to have a chance at – to quote him “fucking Cersei Lannister”. WOW! Cersei my dear you actually have a fan! I bet she would relish the chance to turn him down eh… unless his charm is as great as he makes it out to be.

Things I forgot: Little Arya (dresses as a boy en route to the Nights Watch) meets the Baratheon bastard who Joffrey is looking to kill and the 2 become friends. She’s such a snippy little cutey I swear. Oh and Jon Snow’s fat friend is still an idiot.

Great episode, lots of tension and things are really heating up already.

Originally posted at: Spicy Movie Dogs

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1. Game of Thrones Recap 1.5 – The Wolf and the Lion
2. Game of Thrones Recap 1.8 – The Pointy End
3. Game of Thrones Recap 1.10 – Fire and Blood
4. Game of Thrones Recap 1.7 – You Win or You Die

Welcome to the 2nd season recap of HBO’s Game of Thrones. As with the original season write-ups, I must warn you that my critique and summary will be a tad unconventional and less formatted than the other shows that I write about. Having not read this book series, I offer the opinions of a person who is ignorant to the story but able to appreciate the production, acting and cinematography without the distraction of being annoyed at what is left out from the book. So please read and enjoy my ramblings and feel free to add commentary as you like.

The North remembers that Tyrion Lannister is the greatest character ever

So we start the season off with our good friend Joffrey (incest boy) Baratheon (Jack Gleeson) being the foul little tyrant that he is. He has The Hound cut a man down in mortal combat and even that isn’t enough to sate his blood-lust as he tries to have another drown to death via a horn and a keg of wine. Folks, if you have a young Joffrey in your home – be prepared for some serial killing family dishonor when he gets older. I am telling you, this “king” is off the hook, the boy punks Sansa Stark (Sophie Turner) – I know big surprise there, he threatens his mother with death after she bitch slaps him and gets a righteous trolling from his uncle Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) – who seems to be the only person willing to stand up to him. 

Speaking of standing up, Petyr Baelish (Aidan Gillen) aka Littlefinger the pimp, or as he would have his prostitutes call him… “Lord Baelish” decides to play coy with Queen Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey) and hint at knowledge of her ongoing sex-life with her brother Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau). Lets just say he was snapped back into reality rather fast when Cersei gave him a little demonstration of who the Boss Bitch was in the castle. I am not sure what goes through your head for you to try a snake as nasty as Cersei… and being that the only men that she finds worthy of giving her pleasure must 100% have the Lannister name, well its not like the honey smooth words of Pimpin Baelish was going to stay her hand. Word to the wise, don’t fuck with Cersei Lannister… that is unless your name is Tywin, Tyrion, Joffrey or Jaime.

By the way… why is the Lannister patriarch Tywin so badass when his entire bloodline seems to be unworthy of his piss? Tyrion gets a pass… so I digress.

While the Lannisters are playing petty politics in the castle, up north Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) and company land on a village owned by a man who has a ton of wives. Sounds sweet right? Well these wives are his daughters and granddaughters…. NASTY BASTARD! Yes! And he was oh so cocky with it, going on about how cool he was for having all the ass he could handle, while the men of the North were forced into monk-like lives, living amongst men. The kicker was that he felt threatened by Jon Snow’s good looks and warned the entire company that they aren’t even to give his girls looks. Were it up to me, I would have tied that fool up and used his home how I see fit, but of course they respected his rules and spent the night in peace.

A little south of the incest, pedo-bear father situation, the mighty Robb (I stepped up and did the damn thing) Stark (Richard Madden) was giving Jaime hell as he made moves to grow his ranks. The cool thing about this was that we got a glimpse of Robb’s dire-wolf in it’s current form and man, let me tell you, that wolf was HUGE. The thought of a battle -borne king like Robb riding into a frey, banner-men and nagging mom on his side, and a wolf that is as tall as a man… is scary as hell when you think about it. Sure Tywin Lannister is no punk, but even he has to respect young Robb to know that its going to be on when they clash.

The point of this episode seems to be to remind us that there are several groups with aim at the iron throne and the bitch that sits upon it (Joffrey if you haven’t been keeping up). The most impressive of these usurpers seem to be Robert Baratheon’s own legendary brother, the hardcore Stannis Baratheon (Stephen Dillane). To say that Stannis seems all business is an understatement as the man is all balls and refuses to hear any other side outside of what he deems as concrete rule. His brother died as king, the boy they placed on the throne is a Lannister incest baby who wrongly carries the Baratheon name, and it is only right that he claim his throne as the rightful heir and leave a trail of blood all the way to it. For his rightful crowning to occur, the warrior has in his company this creepy (but strangely hot) fire witch (you see my pun there?) who gives him a blade call The Lightbringer which I am more than sure will see much blood in the episodes to come.

The final scenes of this ep was extremely disturbing as Joffrey, who has heard the new open rumor (thanks to a letter sent to everyone by Stannis) that he is the offspring of Jaime and Cersei, decides to wipe out every bastard fathered by Robert Baratheon. This may sound like its 2-3 kids, but the soldiers were killing children and babies in droves and I was happy the direction spared us any graphic images of babies being cut up – very disturbing stuff folks. Oh and the white haired Targaryen chick with the baby dragons was looking mad thirsty with chapped lips… yawn – I will give her some love next recap.

In any event it was a great season opener and picked up right where we left off, so Game of Thrones fever is back in full effect! What did you think of it?

Originally posted at: Spicy Movie Dogs

Related News & Reviews:

1. Game of Thrones Recap 1.10 – Fire and Blood
2. Game of Thrones Recap 1.7 – You Win or You Die
3. Game of Thrones Recap 1.3 – Lord of Snow
4. Game of Thrones Recap 1.5 – The Wolf and the Lion

Nothing like seeing a little baby girl wrapped in gauze from head to toe from being burnt… the scene absolutely chilled me to the bone. This was what Detective Lydia Adams (Regina King) sees to finally break her out of super-cop mode and finally into mommy mode like she should have been a long time ago. The episode starts with her revealing as much to her superior after her physician offers her 3 choices of letters – surrendering to the fact that Lydia would end up doing whatever she wants to do no matter what she wrote as a recommendation.

Ruben is absent and Lydia convinces her boss to let her work the street regardless of the legal issues that would come of it and her case turns out to be that of a man who set an entire family’s home on fire… including two tiny children. Lydia does her job but it is hard to watch when she goes to interview the one child who woke up. After talking to the burn victim Lydia decides to take leave and slow down in order to properly take care of her unborn baby, she was visibly shaken and being that the scene bothered me as an audience member… I can only imagine.

In the end we finally get to see her baby’s father – who is old and married (I will never understand women’s taste in men), but she tells him that he has nothing to worry about and maybe later on he can finally meet his son.

Tang Gone Wild?

John Cooper (Michael Cudlitz) and Jessica Tang (Lucy Liu) take their final beat together and while Jessica is annoying in her excitement of becoming sergeant, Cooper still regards her in disappointment as their forced conversation carries through the day. Jessica has Cooper take pictures of her as it would be her last day on the street and she blows the day off merrily, even having a spoiled rich kid sing and dance to Nicki Minaj’s Super Bass in order to get out of a speeding ticket (yes they actually went there).

Everything is going smoothly and quickly until the pair answer a call about a shooting at a car wash where 2 men open fire on them as soon as they show up. Cooper and Tang found themselves within the car wash with Cooper facing off against a large gunman (the other ran away) while Jessica carelessly moved towards the noisy rollers and out of Cooper’s voice range. Shouting at Jessica to no avail, Cooper is forced to make a quick decision as she enters the aim of the gunman and is about to be shot down dead. The veteran cop runs at the gunman squeezing off several rounds and filling him with holes before he can get the free chance at shooting Jessica or Cooper on his approach. Needless to say John Cooper saved the day, but was livid.

At the end of their shift the cops have a celebration for Jessica at their normal dive bar and she notices that John leaves quietly without sending her off the way a partner should. She chases after him and the two finally have It out as he calls her out on her shooting the kid and she counters with his drug addiction. It all seemed so silly in that moment and if I had written it I would have had them make love right then and there and wipe out the negative air with a good ‘ol carnal tryst. But of course John likes boys and Jessica is full of herself so my naughty fantasy was not realized and the partners parted ways to carry on with their separate jobs.

Ben Sherman and The Way of The Samurai

Remember that pimp who Ben (Ben Mckenzie) beat up? Well Sammy Bryant (Shawn Hatosy) who had gotten hurt badly in a car crash (after the pimp tried to shoot both he and Ben in a deadly car assault) turns out to be okay. Lying in a hospital bed with a broken arm the guys have a fun conversation at first but Sammy reveals to the rookie that he went back to the streets from detective work in order to help guys like Ben. It was a pretty emotional scene as he basically asks Ben to do the right thing – knowing that he was about to go find the pimp to finish him off. Ben blows it off however and his silent focus showed that he had 100% committed himself to the act…

Editor’s Note: I have to give it to the writers as Ben’s revenge was very samurai-like in it’s plan and execution. The man cleaned his gun immaculately, taking it apart and reassembling it several times and then blew off all opposers silently before finding his mark and striking. Here’s a quote for reference on what I speak of:

“A certain person was brought to shame because he did not take revenge. The way of revenge lies in simply forcing one’s way into a place and being cut down. There is no shame in this.” – Tsunetomo

So Ben with his substitute partner finds the daughter of the pimp at first and forces her into Corpus Christi to get help and flee the city, then finds her mom to force out the location of her pimp – who was now in hiding after a murder attempt on the 2 police officers. After getting the address and finding the house where he was holed up in, Ben kicks in the door and chases the man through several neighborhoods before putting a bullet into his chest and exacting revenge.

Yes Ben fans your boy has gone over to the dark side… a place of no return. This point is driven home in the final scene of the episode which shows the injured Sammy having his cast signed by random girls as he looks across the pool at his broken partner who looks back with a face that simply read that he was at peace with what he had done. It was poetic in the way it mirrored the first pool party to start this season, but I am with Ben and the revenge did a lot more good than bad for 4 lives… but it also means that we will have to wait before our SouthLAnd returns with a 5^th season.

Originally posted at: Spicy Movie Dogs

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