Spillin' the beans

Just Yay

2012-09-30T01:17:00.000-04:00

Many moons ago I wanted to be a mom of more kids than I had. Then I had the chance to be a 'mom' (quotes intended) to another. That didn't go well for us and I have felt badly about that for ages.

So ...

This go again that I'm giving Thing 2? Well it's a go again for me too.

I have another 'son'.. 3 days older than Colin... which is hilarious really. The 'last time i saw' Darryl many moons ago was in prenatal classes. Kim was pregnant with Josh and I was pregnant with Colin.

So...now we all hang out again. And I understand my role a little more. I'm more into making things work maybe? I dont' know. I just know that I saw this guy and Good lord, I missed him. We are not touchy feely folk but I just wanted to hug him. I was so happy to see him again. He's bigger and handsome and oh my.. just so much more guy!

I am the first to say I had a hard time with him when he was smaller. He wasn't like my boy, I couldn't relate. Thank goodness he was so cute, I may have murdered him!

Anyway... I am happy to say everyone seems to have moved on... I don't think he views me as the evil step mother.... maybe??

I have to say that I'm happy to have this smaller person back in my life. He's a funny guy. I didn't realize how much I missed this knuckle head.

Finally exhaling...

2012-09-26T21:29:00.001-04:00

Holy crap.. well that was fun.

I knew there would be drama once the world (ha! fb) found out just how things were going with Thing 2. I knew it would be ugly from some corners. I was a bit surprised at some.. maybe? Ok maybe not.

Truth be told I have been a bit afraid to let it be common knowledge. We did sort of sneak around for a bit... well choosing wisely where to hang out anyway. There were 101 reasons for that. Mainly because I was not ready to deal with the fall out. His friends.. well, they are happy. Why would they not be? I didn't screw him over. Mine? ugh... let's examine the camps:

1) the ones that have been there all along: To be fair, these are also the people that really knew how things were with the keeper so were not shocked or unhappy it ended. Most of the planet does not fit in that category. (no bashing, just the truth) sooo.. when 'happiness' presented itself as a possibility, or as something I wanted to pursue... They said go for it. Some said 'hey are you sure?', some said 'hey be careful' but all said they'd cheer me on for now and wipe my tears if need be.

2) the ones that are silent: this includes my mother. She stopped saying 'yuck' about 2 weeks ago. I know she isn't happy about this development. She worried about me when we were together. We just don't talk about it. There are some other fb friends that have said zilch. I'm assuming because their mothers taught them if they couldn't say anything nice to say nothing at all. That's ok. I'm good with that.

3) the ones that just want to make me cry themselves: or at least that's how I was feeling the other day. Now I should probably split this group into a few subgroups.

The ones that hate thing 2 so would never consider the possibility he could change or want to work on things. They don't think it will work because they have decided he's the devil. They are not interested in debating it, just want to tell me he's an asshole
The ones that listened to me whine so much they are sick of hearing it and now think they will have to again. Ok I get that. New motto here: no more venting. There you go gals, I won't burden you with my issues any more.
The ones that I actually did ask for opinions and then got defensive when I didn't like what they said. Ok, these ones have a point. If I didn't want opinions I should not have asked. Fb was NOT where I asked.

4) the ones in his camp: I appreciate the support and some have some valid points. Others are just delusional either because they were some of the people telling me how lucky I was to get away from him 2 years ago or they are just sweeping everything under the rug like it didn't happen.

The good news in all this is that it seems like the dust has settled in a very short time. Yesterday I was not feeling like that would happen. Why everyone feels so compelled to rant and rave and vent on fb about it?.. not sure. But that's life I suppose and onward I go.

So now I'm going to gush for a bit because this feels good and right but scary and uncertain. Someone pointed out to me today though that there are no guarantees anywhere anyway. She has an awesome hubby but he could decide next year he's bored, there's no way to know that. Random flirtations turn into scary things sometimes... stupid technology and online crap or whatever. So.. thing 2 could decide to turn over a new leaf.. it's just as possible. I think he can and that's really all that matters.

The answer to why I'm giving someone the time of day that treated me worse than something you wipe off the bottom of your shoe? Because if we can work on what was broken, the rest is awesome. When it was good, it was really good. Because I can be me with him and I don't have that anywhere else. Because for whatever stupid reason I am a big fan of that guy.

So this is what I'm going to do.

And away we go.....

2012-09-20T23:06:00.000-04:00

The cat is (very slowly) being let out of the bag. This whole 'I'm dating my ex husband' thing is becoming less of a secret these days. Why?

Well.. I find I am less defensive of it. Which is funny. Me.. the chick that does not care what others think. Maybe really I do. I don't want to have people think I'm an idiot... maybe more so when I am afraid I am being one I guess.

I have realized that the only way we can really try to do this is to really try to do this.

I admit I did do some sneaking around in the early days, thinking I could just take from this relationship what I thought I needed and then move on, no one the wiser. (hi mom)

Well, that's not the case. It's like I was pretending I guess. All I know is that a week after walking away from sneaking around, I had to go back. I am just not done with that boy and I don't really understand why. Well that is dramatic. I know why. He appeals to many different parts of me. The parts that others just didn't. The place where I can always just be me, good, bad, ugly, whatever. I gave him my worst and he smiled. That is how it always was.

And I KNOW that's how it was until he found her to distract him. I KNOW that. I was there. I watched him distance himself. I felt him slide further away across the bed each night. What will not happen this time is just rolling over, hoping for the worst to pass and soon we'll be back to normal. We have had this conversation. What I hope is that it will stick. What I hope is that I will speak up and not let it ride until it's too late. This can be our second chance.

I'm trying to be realistic. I know he and I don't want the same things right now. Can we figure out a way to both be happy? Time will tell. I don't have just me to think about, neither does he. So I waver back and forth. Some days are awesome, even with our very limited time together. Who would have thought I could be satisfied with what.. 2 or 3 visits a week? A few hours each? holy crap. It's unheard of! lol

But it's life. His new career path, mixed in with his old, take up a lot of his time. That's ok. It gives me the space I didn't have before. It gives me the time I didn't have before to have my own life. I read something in Cosmo about break ups teaching you things. One thing they teach you is how to be your own person. It's true... Once you aren't a couple anymore you have to fill time yourself. There are benefits to still having a good portion of that time for you once you are a couple again.

So that's where I sit right now. Content actually. I crave certainty and for some reason he does that for me (LOL.. so many would roll their eyes at that) so yes, i'm an idiot maybe. But it is one hell of a love story at this point. He was mixed up. I get that. I don't think it's ok and I do give him grief about it still. I also understand though I have to stop that. If we are going to go forward, I have to stop that. We need to draw the line in the sand and move on.

ya.. so this will be interesting.

...and i'm hooked. Again...

2012-09-16T00:51:00.000-04:00

and i'm not exactly shouting it from the roof tops. And you know what? That sort of sucks.

But I can honestly say that this 'idea' to investigate the possibility of he and I again?.. well it makes me happy. Happier now than it did say 2 weeks ago. I was avoiding it for dumb reasons then (and really.. I just need to get them alll out.. neither 'thing' nor 'the keeper' can read here now.. my thoughts are my own)

so ya..

thing 2 was on the radar so to speak when the keeper and I split up. But, things in keeperville had been dicey at best since... oh hey... March? January? .. maybe when i got nothing for my birthday? Which sounds terrible on my part but really? NOTHING? Tickets to a concert You want to see? Really? Where is the attention to me in that? Just a small part of a bigger issue. Honest.

so ya... um

Thing 2.

We have had a few dates. He knows me.. to his credit he played on that knowledge. lol.

So the idea is there. The kids are thrilled to see him each time he comes over. I have talked to each of them (at different levels) It says a lot though. I don't 'get' him until a good half hour has passed after he arrives. He catches up with them first.

ugh...

So it could go terribly. Or...

I don't know. It didn't end last time because I wanted it to. I didn't ever deal with that before (which became VERY apparent once he showed up again in earnest) I don't know how it will go. The put the family back together thing.. yes, very tempting. He and I? Well we never lacked for anything until the point he felt trapped. We need to figure out (HE needs to figure out) how to do that part differently. He says he will come to me this time. Is that true? I don't know. I know it could take 3 years to figure that out. THAT sucks. But I'm calm again. And I'm sleeping at night. And a lot of things feel right again with the world. It isn't that any of that could never happen again for me but why would I look somewhere else when I know he can do that for me?

ughh... and again ugh.

But deep down, I am still very much in love with that guy.

Sometimes you follow your heart...

2012-09-12T21:50:00.000-04:00

.. and it's hard.

Really, my head has been telling me to go.. RUN, for oh gee... 5 months?

And I did. Again and again and again. And then I read books about forgiveness and infidelity and narcissism. And I left again.

And every once in a while we all hang out and it's so good. It's 'right'.

And wow, I am again torn and skeptical.

But you know what?

I am calm. I am happy even with what I get. Which.. interestingly, is enough to tide me over. What does that mean? Why is that ok now?

What the heck is it about this guy that keeps me going back? I would love to figure that out.

I have a few souls in my camp, I don't totally feel alone but it is going to be an uphill climb. Most in my 'inner circle' have NO room for compromise. He did wrong and should never darken my door again. How the fuck do I deal with that?

I know what I tell friends in the same boat... 'hey... I am happy for you. If he puts a smile on your face, and the 2 of you are genuinely working on this... well hey, I am in your corner.'

I don't have that luxury. Very few will be in my corner and that sucks.

The story behind it

2012-09-10T22:54:00.000-04:00

So instead of spelling out the issues all over fb here's the deal.

Over the past 6 months or so every time I would write a blog post that didn't go to someone's satisfaction (and it wasn't just one person) I would face a deluge of angry texts. I just don't want to face that anymore and those people really need to butt out.

The blog started in the first place as somewhere I could vent and bitch about whomever I chose to. At it's conception, the blog's rage was aimed at someone that didn't read here. HA! funny story... I told him tonight it's invite only. He didn't ask for one. That is probably good. He may once again take center stage. LOL The last time around there were serious breaches of personal space. Nothing I had was 'mine' but he kept everything his. Cryptic isn't it!

So, there it is.

I am going to make this my blog again. The place I get to vent because lord knows I'm about to embark on something that is NOT going to be favourable to many people. (case in point, my sister and mother do NOT have access here). It won't be a place where I candy-coat life to make sure everyone thinks we're perfect. God.. I know I'm not. Life is ugly.

But they are going to be MY words again.

Just testing

2012-09-10T16:08:00.002-04:00

So I've gone private for now as you already know.

Hey.. if you are here without an invite, do me a solid and tell me? Odds are I will send you one, it's a pretty small list of folks I wouldn't invite. I just want to know it's working. I think it's working.

Anyway.. that is that.

Onward and upward.

when you are broken

2012-09-09T00:17:00.000-04:00

ugh
You know what would be awesome?

To NOT be affected by texts that say things like 'i can accept your decision and want you to be happy'.. When... the whole point of turning down that Happy.. was him being a cheating douche!

ARg!

So yay.. He can say he's not mad.

I can't

Moving to Alaska looks pretty awesome right now

Settling

2012-09-08T23:24:00.000-04:00

Oh my dear bloggy world folk..

Good lord, it has been an interesting week.

I have had so much input lately as to how I'm leading my life and the choices I'm making. HOly cats.. how have I managed to LIVE before this?

So let me get this straight:

On the one hand.. I have the ever so lovely (I'm assuming) Girls that comment basically.. "hey girlfriend.. don't you forget you are AWESOME.. if he can't make you feel that he SUCKS'.. blah blah blah.. You are worth it chickie!"

On the other hand.. I have others saying "omg dude! wtf? There is nothing else better out there. Wtf are you thinking? Be happy with what you get!!"

I'd say I'm torn but I'd be lying.

Good gravy but it's feeling very dramatic lately.

The evil truth is that there is someone out there for everyone. I wasn't feeling like I was in that position.

So now what?

NOTHING. Really. Nothing.

Can I just want nothing?

Just numb.. That would be heavenly

Why I picked alone

2012-09-06T21:15:00.000-04:00

I have had quite few people ask me lately why I made the choices I have over the past month or so.

For all the oohing and ahhing, life didn't stay as rosey as this rambly thought here. Sometimes it just doesn't. It is a drag but you move on. Or try to if people will let you.

Then there were other opportunities similar to the random thinking here... much to my mother's dismay. Again.. here's me. Single baby.

Why?

For the angsty girl that just cannot be without someone or else feels so sad. (ya haters, whatever fuck.. some people like to have someone to cuddle from time to time)... I'm on some sort of trail blazing breaking up thing. Yikes!

Maybe it's a midlife crisis? Maybe I am so tired of the male drama I should bat for the other team for a bit? (ahahahaaaa... maybe not) I don't know. I'm just feeling sort of fed up I guess.

I just want what most do I think. Someone to grow old with... laugh at dumb jokes... people watch

I'm just tired of the interview process as lovely as recent applicants have been ;-) If it works, awesome. If not, well I'm no worse off than right now. But even now isn't bad, I picked it. I'm doing exactly what I want to do. The fallout of those decisions really sucked and trust me.. I have had my moments over them. But for the first time.. ever?... I just said no... I don't like this. I'm not satisfied so I'm out. I know it has people baffled. That is totally NOT my thing. god... look how long I stayed with Thing 1.

So I feel a bit like a trail blazer. lol... This is certainly somewhere I've never been before. It's interesting anyway.

That's not to say if (hmmm.. .wonder if he warrants a nickname yet... ).. turns into something that I would not consider it. Who knows... I don't have a crystal ball, nor do I know what either one of us wants from this. That's ok.. we're grown ups (ha!) We can just hang. It's all good ;-)

I can't believe I forgot the fireman!

2012-09-06T00:41:00.000-04:00

omg... I can't believe I forgot the fireman. The cute fireman according to him. lol

So like 2 years ago I got a message from a guy claiming to be a fireman and cute. The message he sent me was word for word identical to the one he sent a girl I know AND her friend. Needless to say I did not 'meet him for a kiss' as suggested.

Fast forward to today: well.. like 2 weeks ago.
Same guy, same message but now he signs his name Mike.
I say 'hey.. i do believe you've asked me for a kiss before' and he does not reply.

Last week?
Same guy, same message but now his name is Mark!

LMAO.. i sent him a message "third time's a charm" and then "Mike? Mark? bueller.???"....

hahahahahaaaa

I wonder if he really is that cute. I'm guessing not.

In other news:
um, yes. I'd like more please. That all grown up guy? *sigh* ya. That is Alllll good ;-)

My observations in online dating

2012-09-03T19:17:00.000-04:00

** Please note: The opinions you are about to read do not necessarily reflect every moment of my life.. just the fun parts...**

Really I think I may be addicted to online dating. Someone call the people, it is all kinds of fun to me.

No.. WAIT!

I never meet the people. I am what's called a serial chatter. I will text your thumbs off for days on end but meet in person? No freakin' way! I'm not dumb. You could be a serial killer. They make tv movies of the week about that stuff. Seriously.

Alright, that's a bit much. Sometimes I do meet folks. Or sometimes someone sees me on there (*cough*keeper*cough) and then that just opens the door....Sometimes I try to have a date/meet up and get stood up. A girl can only take so much rejection :-(

But really.. where was I?

oh yes, the chatting or the creeping or the stalking. Funny story that is true:

IF you should decide you want to 'check out the competition' and you are using a handy Ap on your clever-mo-phone.... well it may not go the way you intended. For example:
My ap knows I'm a girl SO when I decided to search the girl's profiles it turned me into a 'woman seeking woman' person. WHOA! I got a LOT of messages this afternoon. Flattering really but I just don't play for that team. Not ruling it out, just not my thing as of today.

The other thing I decided today was that the 'body type' categories are not very informative. I think I will create a new one called 'looks much better IN clothes than OUT of them'.

Don't get me wrong! I would totally put myself in that category as well.

So there it is. My observations solely based on the little corner of the interwebs that I have inhabited lately. Some of it very tongue in cheek but the rejection part. yuck! that totally sucks. Yikes!

I forgot what it felt like ;-)

2012-09-02T02:48:00.000-04:00

So many thoughts running through my head right now.. where to begin?

I had the drinkie date with the inappropriate crush from many moons ago. Wow. It's kinda creepy to say but holy crap he grew into an amazing man. And so seriously not hard on the eyes either! We had a great time. He's quick and a bit silly, right up my alley really. 2 gorgeous little boys he's devoted to. We traded quite a few funny parenting moment stories. Lots of laughing for sure.

I think you should be able to freeze that first moment in time with someone. Wouldn't that be awesome?? It is a pretty good adrenaline rush. hmmm... so not sure where this is headed. We know I have no concept of a good thing vs a bad thing, right? Maybe I won't say anymore for now....

As for the other stuff? Well.. I have decided what path to take there too. Next week will be hard but necessary. ugh. I tried, I really did. Sometimes it's just too late I guess.

Deep breath..

2012-08-28T22:46:00.000-04:00

Sooo I think I may try this boy thing again. Maybe.

I have a few days. I can still chicken out. Really it's just casual. 2 old friends catching up. (omg am I having deja vu????) I may not spill the beans on the totally inappropriate crush like um... crap, 15 years ago??? Man now I feel old.

So how did this come to be? Well the wild world of online dating of course! I will admit to being curious again. Wanna know a secret? I didn't change a single thing from last time I was there. Not one word. Not one picture. I'm still me, right?

Soo.. let's see...

So far to date: 3 wanna be porn writers. 1 guy with a mommy issue and a handful of dirty old men.

SERIOUSLY...

results: 1 drinkie date so far. OMG.. had to get out of there PRONTO. You know the mindset that the world is against you? Everyone and their brother are out to get you? Doom and gloom everywhere? ya... well so do I and let me tell you. I am NOT a fan. I really dislike it. Very, very much so. Had to hightail it out of there. Have not heard a word since. Darn.<not>

Next? See the first paragraph.

Why not? At the very least he's friendly, I'm friendly. He's not a serial killer (that I know of). We had some good laughs way back when and didn't seem to have a problem picking that back up. He's younger but not enough to call me a cougar. LOL
At the very best? Well.. who knows.

In light of recent events I have compiled a list of do's and don'ts. My guide to successful dating if you will. One of these times I'm gonna get it right ;-)

the part that sucks

2012-08-21T00:06:00.001-04:00

is when you read your blog and you still cry... I mean don't we do this blog thing so we get past that part?? Keep repeating the past hurtful stuff and eventually you are less affected by it?

somewhere in all the gunk you figure it out and emerge a happy bubby?

no?

well that's just great.

My Dear Letters...

2012-08-20T22:12:00.001-04:00

.. you know those letters you want to write but will never send?

My Dear first born child:
I love you more than everyone and everything else on the planet (except your sister.. you 2 are tied!) but come on man... you are killing me with this minecraft obsession. Does it have to rule your very existence 24/7? In my day kids hung out face to face. According to the other hockey parents, this is normal now but it's KILLING me.. Step away from the computer man...

My Dear darling daughter:
I love that you now have an appreciation for 'cute' outfits. Must you try them ALL on each day? If you really must do so in order to take just one more pic to get your BFF's opinion before the first day of school.. can you PLEASE just put the clothes away? They are NOT dirty. They do NOT belong in the laundry basket!!!

My Dear self:
Stop beating yourself up over things you cannot control. Yes, things seem a little glum at the moment but all is not lost, don't be such a drama queen. Enjoy the kids. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy not answering to anyone or tip toeing or feeling crappy and left out and just not happy. Remember that part? Stop romanticizing. You are entitled to be a priority, that doesn't make you selfish or unrealistic. Settling for anything less is just settling.

That awkward moment..

2012-08-17T13:04:00.000-04:00

when you're chatting someone up and then realize you know them.

*facepalm*

so ya. I will be over here. Hiding in the corner waving a white flag. LOL

ps.. I'm now up to 5.7km

never mind 5k in the fall. I'm going for 10!!

So I'm reading and it's interesting...

2012-08-09T20:23:00.001-04:00

I am on a bit of a kick as of late to figure out what makes this girl tick. A friend lent me some books and I find I'm really getting into the first one. It's called 'How Can I forgive you: the courage to forgive, the freedom not to'

I have had many, many, many a conversation about my screwed-up-ness over the past 6 months or so and my failure to deal with disappointment and setbacks and how I don't fix problems, I gloss over them and hope they fade into the background. (eek.. that sounds very therpy-ish) I know this about myself and pretty much just expect those close to me to know the same. Sometimes they don't. The problem arises I guess when you just can't keep chugging along. Eventually you have to deal with the yuck to get back to good stuff.

So, I started reading this book. Both books are written by the same therapist (Janis Abrahms Spring) and I decided to start with her second book. Her first deals strictly with dealing with the aftermath of an affair, this one is more general.. just dealing with forgiveness after any type of event in any type of relationship.

It's good. Well, good in that it makes sense to me. I can see so many things I am guilty of in it. I joked yesterday that I'm a narcissistic, passisive-aggressive, type A personality. Yep, that's me to a T. I guess along the way I just always found people that made that work for us. (or I guess did until they didn't want to deal with it anymore??? who knows)

Now I'm just rambling to hear myself talk I guess. But it is a very good read. I am very glad I took the offer to borrow it. I may actually learn something here.

And the running continues

2012-08-06T21:14:00.001-04:00

I started running a few years ago mainly as a way to remove myself from the world for small bits of time and just think. I had no real goals as far as distance or speed or even regularity. I just figured I would go as often as I could, as far as I could and just be glad to be moving. It was also the same period of time that I'd lost about 30 pounds so moving was easier to do in general and I was seeing changes in the size of my butt that put a smile on my face :-)

It has now turned into what I do when I need to think. Those little escapes are coming in handy once again. I guess I'm just trying to sort out what I want. What is going to get me to my happy place once again? I know the path I've taken in the past and decisions I have made recently have made some people shake their heads. So be it. At the end of the day I am the one that has to be accountable for my own happiness and that of my kids. Just the 3 of us count here.

So a handy side effect of all this thinking? The scale moves in a good direction :-)

I am very happy to report that I am once again down, down, down! Down about 15 pounds since my tubal at the end of April. Down 20 since my pre-op in February (the point that really made me go wtf? why oh why put it all back on again??!!)

Fingers crossed for no injuries this year so I can keep on track. I still do the 30 day shred every once in a while too. It's a nice mix and I find it does good things to my arms. Need to track down some bigger weights soon though. Perhaps between the running and Jillian I may revisit the whole pierce my bellybutton idea??? hmmmmm

Ok so I lost track of the days

2012-08-05T02:45:00.001-04:00

The days have all started to blur together lately. Do you find they tend to do that once you put your mind to staying busy?

I am reconnecting with some old friends and finding new things to do in order to keep the glums away. Of course like everything else these are just more examples of how much less I was committed to 'forever'. Maybe I was? It didn't feel like that at the time. There were a lot of really good reasons that forever was a good idea.

It's funny how some people can just hit the nail on the head sometimes though. In short, the question was how can you spend forever with someone that had no idea how obviously (her word) unhappy you were. Or, if they did know, your happiness didn't mean enough to do something about? Yikes, but yes I see her point. I didn't feel like it was that harsh at the time but an outsider's point of view, after the fact.. someone very much on my side of the equation? Yes, I see where she came to that conclusion.

So I'm making lists these days.

1) the kid rules list. The do's and don'ts of meeting the kids, doing stuff with the kids. etc.. A very smart person suggested this to me. I think she's on to something.

2) the me list. The 'start out the way you intend to carry on' list. There just won't be any misunderstandings with regards to expectations.

Day 3

2012-08-01T11:31:00.000-04:00

yes I know I skipped day 2. Sue me!

But I had a very good reason for skipping day 2. Catching up with an old friend that never, ever ceases to put a smile on my face. Man I missed that guy. It got awkward, chumming around on fb. Someone always had an issue with it (my side or his).. it just wasn't worth the real life grief. But it wasn't a big scene or anything, more like something that just faded into the background I guess.

I have come to the conclusion that I need to keep running in order to maintain my sanity. (ha! perhaps I should have put a disclaimer there... WARNING: Abrupt topic change ahead!)
It was a very cranky afternoon yesterday. So much so that by the time run time came I was More than ready to go. 2 running partners this time which is good. The more the merrier and the more likely you are to keep going! I do find that exercise is a mood lifter. I just feel better afterwards. That will probably come in handy ;-)

The root of the crankiness? ugh... ending a relationship. It's hard and awkward and feelings are hurt and it just plain sucks. And I'm trying hard to not just dissolve into rude name calling out of sheer frustration. He deserves more than that. There is no bad guy here, just 2 people trying to sort out what went wrong I guess. 2 sets of lives that just didn't mesh well enough to make it work.

Day 1

2012-07-30T01:35:00.001-04:00

At the risk of repeating myself I'm just going to put this out there:

Here I go again.

I feel kind of at odds with the world these days. If mail actually came in letter form anymore I'd have a pile a mile high from people wondering what the heck I'm doing. Maybe that's an exaggeration but I have had my share of 'ummmm lady? hello?' questions lately.

So what am I doing?

Drowning? Treading water? .. Just keep swimming!!

Ack.. it's hard to put it into words really.

I don't want to make it all sound awful either. It wasn't. Honestly it wasn't. I wish him the very best, wherever he ends up. It just won't be with me. There won't be any keeper-bashing here. One day things will sort themselves out and we will both be very happy where we end up. Just don't put any money on that being the same place. You will not win that bet.

So now what?

Good question. I think a vacation would be a great idea except that I just finished my vacation. It was less than relaxing. A beach? Wide open spaces? Green grass, blue sky?? Picnic on a hill somewhere?

I dunno. I need to think on that a bit. I will get back to you.

Hard, hard, hard decisions

2012-07-27T09:16:00.000-04:00

Ugh.

I wish the voices in my head would come to some sort of consensus on which direction my life should be heading. Things have been rocky in the relationship department for months so I decided to do something about it. Except after I did it I regretted it. So I undid it and I was right back to where I started again. So I decided again.

And here I sit.

Not quite convinced that I won't spend the rest of eternity pitifully alone. That sentence speaks volumes right there I think. I'm back to the whole 'I need to learn to stand on my own two feet' place I was in 2 years ago. The 'you'll never find happiness if you aren't happy with yourself' mantra people keep shouting at me. Am I generally unhappy?

Maybe?

I like things to go my way but who doesn't? I don't think I'm unreasonable about it but I'm sure there's at least one person that would disagree with that.

My over-sharing nature is just dying to spill all the beans on the latest break up. To vent and moan and question each hurtful comment thrown back and forth during the last conversation. I actually may not do that right now. It's too new. I'm still not totally convinced it was the absolute right thing to do. It sucks to break your own heart but one giant hurt for now is better than the constant pains that have become the norm. I need to be a priority, not just an option. That request was never at anyone's expense. The rest of the planet finds a way to do it.

It's monumentous!

2012-06-28T00:19:00.000-04:00

cue the fancy music! 200 posts!!!

How can this be?

How did I not hit this mark like last year? OH ya.. stopped blogging. Right.

So.. to catch you all up, um, here I am.

Coasting.

Loving the shred but it has worn out the old sports bra. TMI perhaps but it is what it is. shopping here I come. LOL

so i could get bitchy and venty and share all the reasons why I don't blog but I won't.

What I will share is summer is here! Yay!!!

Kidlets and I have many, many plans for the summer. They are spending their first summer 'alone' so I am filling up weekends trying to make up for the lack of structure during the week. LOL

soo.. we did 50 Point. We will do it again I'm sure. The fishing is so much fun for them. The dumb little fish are SO easy to catch. Who wouldn't love it??

We have wild water works planned with the fam in July. Well.. the 'cousins'.. and us and Grandma. Should be fun.

We have some camping planned too. hmm... just them and me... Wonder who will win? LOL. We were talking about it tonight though and they are pumped even if their first reaction was "isn't Grandma coming?" I assured them I am totally capable of managing our food and stuff for a few days!

Let's see.. what else..

I might actually take a real Grown up vacation in early August. That could be very cool. Not a done deal by any stretch but at this rate if the little's plans work out, no reason not to just stay at the motel 6 up the street. Or maybe something nicer... with massages.. and stuff.

so, if you have no August long weekend plans, let me know. We can do fun stuff perhaps. Grown up fun stuff? That still exists, right?

Colin's adventures in ball hockey

2012-06-10T01:50:00.001-04:00

Greetings greetings!

Yes I know I have been absent from the bloggy-sphere. Nothing to report home about, just not inspired.

Anyway.. the boy-type child of the household has begun his foray into the hockey world at long last. His very first ever practice/game was today. There was equipment and a jersey (ok, a t-shirt, lol) and lines and positions and a coach and EVERYTHING!

When Colin was say... 4ish, we had a neighbour whose teenage son lived and breathed hockey. This kid went on to play for the Jr Bulldogs at some sort of 'I have to wear a tie to my game' level. No matter what, he always had time to run around with Colin, the 2 of them with sticks in hand, and he'd show Colin the ropes. He was a great kid! Wonder what happened to him??

So Colin has decided he wants to play ball hockey and wow, we know a coach in the league so I signed him up.

I was so proud!! He was so good! Now I will admit, he did a much better job of sticking to his relative territory when playing defense. At left wing he was ALL over the place but he can run twice as fast as half the kids there.. the more the coach yelled 'get in there Colin!', the more he'd run all over. LOL

But at left wing he SCORED! And he is hooked.

As I sat there watching I couldn't help but notice it was me and a big group of dads. Typical for a hockey practice/meet the coach sort of day I would think. I know he told his dad about it, I overheard the conversation. Why I thought that would change current events is beyond me.. apparently I am a hopeless optimist?

Every time he did something well in the game he'd look over to make sure I saw. I kept my reactions subtle.. we'd already had the 'Mom, please do NOT get all crazy yelling during my game' discussion on the way there today. I told him I probably could not promise anything... I get into it!

Soooo good-bye Saturday sleep-ins. There is hockey to be played!