Receiving More Life Force

After all the work I’ve done to develop energy awareness, I know how important it is to breathe deeply for my health and well being. Yet for most of my life, my chest has felt tight and closed down. As a result, I sometimes have to consciously force myself to take in gulps of air.

Knowing that I should breathe differently hasn’t made it any easier to do so.

Years ago I experienced a couple of Rebirthing sessions. They were interesting, but the method entailed a lot of forced huffing and puffing that was uncomfortable to me. At other times, I’ve tried various kinds of pranayama exercises using one nostril or the other to breathe with. I’ve also tried inhaling and exhaling according to certain patterns. All of these practices entailed effort dictated by my mind, not my body.

Last November, I read an article by Erin Donley in an email newsletter from New Renaissance Bookstore. In the article, Erin talked about a woman named Margaret Townsend, a breathing facilitator in Portland, Oregon, who has developed a unique way of working with the breath called The Living Breath. The article explained that she combines something called Full Wave Breathing with Hakomi body work.

I thought the article was interesting, but I didn’t think much more about it. Then—in December—I was at my gym when I suddenly started talking to a woman I had never seen before and haven’t seen since. She began to tell me about a woman named Margaret Townsend that she had had several breathing sessions with and said that it had made huge changes in her life.

This February, I was becoming more and more conscious of how shallowly I was breathing. At the same time, I was struggling to write a blog called Catching the Wave, but it just didn’t want to flow. One day I finally listened to a quiet voice within me, and I picked up the phone and called Margaret.

When I arrived at her home and knocked on the door, I was greeted by a 50-something woman with a dancer’s body and a warm, welcoming smile. Her whole manner was gentle, gracious and open.

From the beginning, Margaret’s approach to breathing was different. First she invited me to lie on my stomach on a massage table. Then she turned on some soothing music and began to work on my body, sometimes using a gentle massage stroke and sometimes touching various acupressure points.

After about half an hour, she asked me to turn over onto my back. While continuing to gently work on my body, she asked me to breathe in and out through my mouth. By this time the tightness in my ribs had melted, and my breath easily reached deeply into my abdomen. It did so naturally, without struggle or conscious effort.

The process gently moved me from my mind into my body. Concentrating on my breath created a deeply peaceful state of focused awareness. I felt spacious and open while calmly observing emotions and sensations as they arose within me. As I sank deeper into the spaciousness, I entered a state of being a “watcher” who observed, almost with amusement, the vibrations, tinglings, tweaks and twinges that danced through my body.

Simply following my breath put me into the present moment, where everything was perfect just as it was.

Effortless Breathing

I found the experience with Margaret on that day in February to be so remarkable that I have returned for several more sessions since then. As a result, I am beginning to notice that my breathing patterns are changing.

There are times in the sessions when it feels as if I am being breathed. Effortlessly. Harmoniously. And oh so lovingly.

As the tightness in my rib cage begins to thaw, I no longer have to consciously force my chest to expand in order to take in more air. For the first time in my life, I am gently and easily breathing into my lower abdomen.

Working with Margaret has been a wonderful dance of letting go, opening and softening. It has been a way of connecting with my body on a deep level and beginning to feel more in resonance with myself.

I have discovered that listening to my body’s gentle guidance allows my breath to flow through me. Such effortless breathing connects me to the life force within me, filling me with feelings of love and support.

Synchronicity

The synchronicity of meeting Margaret was perfect. I was trying to write a blog about Catching the Wave, and I found someone trained in Full Wave Breathing. An added bonus of that first session was that my Catching the Wave blog finally “caught the wave” and flowed into completion!

 

The Swing of the Pendulum

But bam! In the next instant my mind is spinning off into chaos. An intense fear of not being good enough suddenly washes over me, and I am plunged once more into a state of uncertainty.

So often I have felt like a pendulum that swings from one polarity to another: pushed forward, pulled back, yanked up, tossed down. In the midst of such turmoil—when I long to find peace and balance—my mind repeats again and again, “How do I get there from here?”

Being Here Now

But what if I am asking the wrong question in the first place? What if there is no there, there? If there is only here, now?

The underlying message I am giving myself is that some imaginary, ideal state of being exists in which I will never again have to deal with difficult, painful challenges. But what if this message is false? Is it really possible, even desirable, to always remain in a state of joy, enlightenment and bliss?

Although this issue is always with me, a book I read recently by Alan Seale brought it into my consciousness again. In The Manifestation Wheel, he writes:

Challenges and conflicts are part of life. Without them there would be no growth. There would be nothing to “stir the pot” and bring you face to face with those parts of yourself that are ready for transformation.

If I look at my major challenges from this perspective, I can see that they’ve actually initiated the greatest changes in my life and led to the most growth. Such a realization makes it easier for me to accept them (most of the time!). I am beginning to welcome challenges now because I know they hold incredible opportunities for self-growth and greater awareness.

I am also beginning to realize that I can’t avoid challenges in my life, but I CAN choose how I react to them: either by resisting them or by flowing with them.

Resisting What Is

When I am in resistance, I stay stuck in the past, endlessly repeating the same old stories over and over. Or I am focused on the future, forever discontent with how things are now, in the present moment.

When I am in resistance, my mind can waste huge amounts of time and energy complaining that “this shouldn’t be happening” or “XXX should be happening instead, so why isn’t it?” I repeat an endless litany of if onlys: if only I were different…if only he would listen…if only they weren’t wrong…if only the world were more peaceful.

Going with the Flow

I am beginning to realize, however, that any challenge can be transformed when I am willing to become like water: soft, open, receptive and flowing.

When I am flowing, I accept whatever is occurring in my life from one moment to the next without trying to achieve some ideal state of perfection. It is as though I am a boat that moves gently upon the waves. Sometimes they are slow and gentle, sometimes powerful and overwhelming. But I never lose my balance or capsize; I simply stay centered in my heart.

From deep within, I heard the Spirit of Resistance say:

You see, it is at the center of your heart chakra that your true Essence resides. When you are in your center you feel deep peace, oneness and profound love for yourself and the world. Life flows harmoniously.

But the farther you spiral away from your Essence Self, the more friction gets created. The more friction there is, the more resistance; therefore, the more pain you feel either in your emotions or in your physical body.

It is this sense of suffering that serves as your wake-up call. The pain is a sign that you are on the wrong road, going in the wrong direction, moving away from your soul instead of towards it.

Befogged by Old Voices

So what is it that takes us away from our hearts? Why is it so difficult to remain in this place of beauty and possibility? The answer is that old, familiar voices are screaming in our heads, telling us what we can’t do. “It’s impossible. You’re not good enough. Who do you think you are?”

These loud, critical voices are the result of the foreign energies we have been accumulating most of our lives. Such energies come from our childhood, culture, family. They weigh us down and discourage us from pursuing our dreams. They limit our potential and mire us in the same dysfunctional patterns over and over.

On the other hand, our souls are calling to us to follow our dreams, be creative and express ourselves. Voices from our hearts speak words of love, compassion and encouragement. They raise our energies and open possibilities of creativity and wonder within us.

If we listen to the negative voices, they grow louder and louder and we spin farther away from our hearts. We can no longer hear our soul’s voice because it is overwhelmed by constant criticism and complaints.

It is this conflict between our limiting beliefs and our spirit that causes resistance in our lives.

Being in a State of NO!

I began to see how these negative voices had been fighting for attention in my mind. I finally understood why a long period of my life had been spent in a state of NO! I became conscious that the word often erupted out of my mouth as the first reaction to a comment from those closest to me. This automatic response mystified me. In general I’m a positive person, so where was this No! coming from?

The more I listened to the wisdom emanating from the Spirit of Resistance, the more I realized that my response was a way to protect myself from critical voices—whether they came from within me or from other people.

I began to see how I had been resisting my feelings. In an attempt to escape the fear of expressing them, I had gradually shut down emotionally and become an expert at making excuses. I constantly told myself: “Things aren’t really all that bad…They could be a lot worse…It’s too hard…I’m too old…It’s too late.”

Flowing Your Emotions

But somewhere within me a quiet voice cried out: “NO! Something isn’t right here. It doesn’t have to be this way.”

Finally my spirit’s voice captured my attention, and I began to hear its message.

Feel your emotions! Acknowledge them, experience them, let them flow through you. Just let them go.

Emotions reflect your life force. When you hold on to them, deny them or shut them down, you are doing the same thing to your body and your life. This creates resistance, pain and struggle. Your body will eventually mirror this struggle by becoming ill.

Your emotions aren’t the problem, your resistance to feeling them is.

 

But today I suddenly hit a boulder and came crashing down. 

I slammed on the brakes, but I still ended up crashing into the damn boulder. Again. My buttons got pushed and sent me into a state of deep resistance, fear and shut-down. Tightly grasping at straws, I protested: “No way, I can’t do that!”

The issue? My ability to support myself through my creativity. I’ve heard that following a spiritual path is like gradually peeling an onion. So what’s this boulder doing in front of me? It’s not acting like an onion peel at all. It looks pretty darn solid. In fact, it feels like a huge, rocky, barren, ominous, scary, immovable mountain.

Having to break through life-long barriers of fear and insecurity is never easy, no matter how many times I’ve been through it and no matter how much progress I’ve made. After I’ve dealt with one issue, another one just seems to pop up.

Although the process is never easy, it gives me an invaluable opportunity to learn the lessons that each boulder holds for me—that is once I’ve dealt with the fear, panic and resistance to it!

We Are Not Who We Think We Are

So it seems that I am being led to take a deeper look into what these boulders are. I have gradually begun to realize that, in reality, none of us are who we think we are.

From the time we are born, we absorb the emotions, beliefs and traditions of the families, cultures and countries in which we grow up. Layer after layer of these constructions build up in our energy fields, molding our beliefs about what is possible for us to have, do and become.

By the time we are adults, we have acquired energy blocks that range from pebbles and stones to boulders and mountains. Because we filter everything that happens to us through these limited veils of illusion, we tend to build our lives upon the same patterns as our parents. We even tend to choose partners who are energetically similar to them and create many of the same difficulties with money, relationships, health and career that they experienced.

Who we think we are is, in reality, this life-long accumulation of boulders. Because we can’t see beyond them, we are blinded to what lies on the other side. We mistakenly think that this small, constricted space is our only option and that nothing else is possible for us.

Masters of Illusion

One of the things that I’m beginning to realize is that the boulders in our path are masters of illusion. They seem ominous and terrifying but when we take steps to deal with them, they suddenly collapse. We look back on old issues that once seemed to be so overwhelming to us and ask “What was that all about? Why did I think that was so impossible?”

Just as Dorothy discovered when she took the first steps down the yellow brick road on her journey to meet the Wizard of Oz, our lives are transformed in the process of overcoming our fears. As she gradually dealt with all of the difficulties that arose on her path, Dorothy grew immeasurably in power, strength and self-confidence. So when she finally met the Wizard, she was able to draw back the curtains and discover the Master of Illusion that he was.

But without him, she would never have set out on the journey.

I was lying on a massage table during a Rubenfeld session when I began to see an image of golden light spiraling down my legs. All at once, I began to hear it talking to me.

“Return to your center,” the Spiral of Light whispered.

“What?” I stammered.

“Return to your center.”

“How do I do that?” I asked.

“By simplifying your life,” the Light replied. “As you do, you will begin to discover the exquisite elegance of simplicity.”

That’s a beautiful phrase, I thought. Very poetic.

“Please tell me more,” I mentally replied.

“In the center of the spiral is calmness and peace,” the Light said. “To find this peace, you must go within, to the place deep inside of you where the Divine lives.”

“How do I do that?” I asked.

“By developing SIMPLICITY,” the Light said.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked.

Eliminate the Unnecessary and Non-essential

“Life is a constant process of refining who you are by learning what is essential and letting go of the rest,” the Light replied. “This is the essence of simplicity.

Clutter—such as endless thoughts and negative emotions, the need for more information, more stuff with which to fill up the sense of emptiness in your life—places a heavy weight on your energy. How can you be free to soar if you can’t even get off the ground?

This is why you need to decide what is most important to you. Is it truly taking more workshops? Reading more books? Accumulating more information? Filling your life and environment with more belongings? Or is it opening space within your heart, loving yourself and others more, expressing your creativity, and strengthening your connection with Spirit?

When you eliminate what is unnecessary and non-essential, it creates a space in which you can discover what is truly necessary.”

“That makes sense,” I thought, only too conscious of how my feelings of imperfection, of not being good enough, were weighing me down.

Have Compassion for Yourself

Stop criticizing yourself for not being good enough or valuable enough,” the Light urged. “Self-criticism separates you from your center, closes you down, and creates resistance. Instead, replace such thoughts with feelings of gratitude for yourself and your life. This will open your heart wide and enable more light to enter—the light of who you really are

The more you eliminate clutter, the more lucid you become. The more lucid you are, the softer and more fluid your energies. The more fluid your energies, the lighter your essence.

Ridding your inner and outer life of clutter enables you to discover the exquisiteness of your true essence and begin to unfold your own magnificence. It enables you to soar into new horizons of creativity and self-expression, into a true Lightness of Being.

Don’t beat yourself up if this doesn’t happen overnight, though. The art of simplicity is a gradual process of refinement, of finding the elegance that is present in each moment of your life. If you’re not ready to let go of old thoughts, people, places and stuff yet, have compassion for yourself.

Simply do whatever you can in each moment while continually returning to your center, to the peace and stillness deep within you where your divine Self resides. When you are ready, you will be able to let go and move on.

After this visualization/conversation, I returned home and immediately began to draw a picture that would express this experience. The result was card number 39: The Lightness of Being.

I was getting irritated. I had been lying on a table during a Rubenfeld Synergy session supposedly listening to my body. But it was my mind that was in control of the situation—and it just wouldn’t shut up.

At the beginning of the session my practioner placed one hand under my left thigh and the other in the air above it and kept her hands in the same position. Without moving. For a long time.

“That’s enough,” a voice in my mind whined. “When is she going to move on to a more important place, like my head or heart? Why is she spending half the session in such a useless spot? The thigh isn’t good enough for that! It doesn’t even contain any major chakras. It’s just there to carry me from one place to another.”

The Wisdom of Happiness

Then—suddenly—I heard my left thigh shout: “I can teach you about HAPPINESS!

The message surprised me so much that the whiny voice finally shut up. “I have been working hard to support you,” my thigh said. “In fact, I hold an important message for your life.”

“What is it?” I asked.

“Lighten up!” it replied. “Be happy!”

“How do I become happy?” I asked. With all of the problems, challenges and difficulties I’m experiencing, is it even possible to be happy for more than a few brief moments at a time?

“Yes!” shouted my thigh. “You have the power of choice! You can focus on happiness or you can focus on negativity. It all depends on where you place your attention. Joy and happiness are all around you. They are part of life itself. It you want to attract more of this energy into your experience, simply notice it.”

My thigh continued: Don’t take life so seriously. Be grateful for the air you breathe, for the way your body supports you, for the beauty in all living things. When your mind is cluttered with negative thoughts and you constantly criticize yourself, it is impossible to become aware of lighter, more joyful thoughts. New solutions can only arise when you are calm and centered, when there is open space within you.”

The Necessity of Play and Laughter

As I listened to my thigh’s gentle voice, I began to see an image of sunny yellow light spiraling down both legs to my feet and then deep into the earth. The light was tingling, sparkling and alive. I became aware that a profound lightness of being was flowing like a golden fountain of wisdom down my legs. The light had a message for me as well.

“You need to PLAY more,” it said, “to laugh, have fun and be happy in the present moment. Laughter will heal you because it raises your energies, opens your heart, and quickens your soul.”

Spirit Doorways number 39 Lightness of Being arose from this experience and contains the energy of happiness. Placing the card where you will see it, such as on a mirror, will remind you to lighten up. Do something that makes you laugh every day. Go to the park and play on a swing. Watch a funny movie. Be silly just for the joy of it. Even during hard, stressful times, it is still possible—in fact absolutely necessary—to do something that makes you smile.

My joyful thigh gave me several other suggestions for how to increase lightness of being. I will share these in my next blog, so stay tuned!

Hiding and Possibility. Wow. These were the first two Spirit Doorways images to arise during the Rubenfeld Synergy sessions and they are two of the basic themes that have set the stage for all of the images that have come after them.

Hiding and Possibility also happen to be two of the major themes I’ve been exploring since childhood. There are many ways you can hide from yourself. I personally know this well because it is a habit I’ve cultivated for most of my life. I’ve spent a lot of years not trusting in myself and hiding from expressing who I really am, afraid to explore my passions, interests and abilities.

Until now. With the creation of the Spirit Doorways drawings, hiding has become more difficult for me to do. But strangely enough, I don’t want to hide anymore! It is as if these images have been leading me into—finally—opening to greater possibilities in my life.

Believe me, it is far more exciting and inspiring to contemplate entering new doorways and exploring new pathways than hiding away in fear. Fear of being criticized and rejected, of being wrong or making mistakes. And in the process trying to make myself small so nobody will notice me.

Hiding in Plain Sight

Think about it. If we are hiding from life and fearful of expressing who we really are, we are denying our inspired self, which revels in the joy of creating. When we hide from ourselves, we give up our own power and authority over our life. We constantly look towards others for recognition and approval in order to feel good about ourselves. It is as if we were sleep-walking through life, simply existing without really living.

One great way to hide is to “hide in plain sight.” We dutifully fulfill the role of wife/husband, mother/father, partner/professional, carrying out our prescribed duties and responsibilities. As we do so, we tell ourselves that we can’t possibly take time to explore who we really are.

We continuously deny that quiet, small voice within us that is longing to be heard and expressed. The voice that asks: What about me? When will I finally get a chance to shine and be heard? When will it be okay to explore my creativity, to write a book, paint a painting, compose a song, or build a piece of furniture?

When will I be able to live in my integrity and express who I really am and what I truly think and feel? When will I finally be able to live my dreams? When will I begin to listen to my soul’s longing to be heard? When asking ourselves these questions, however, it is important to understand that:

Life is a Mirror

When we continually tell ourselves “I can’t, it’s not possible, I’m incapable of doing…” that is exactly what life will mirror back to us.

What a tragedy that is. There are incredible gifts only we as unique human beings can give to the world. But this cannot happen if our fears keep us curled into a shapeless, faceless, undefined ball that is afraid of finding out what those gifts are.

Discovering Possibility

What is the first step that we can take to change the pattern of hiding and transform it into a new pattern of possibility?

I Can! I Can! All things are possible for me because I am unlimited, infinite and divine.

You can use the Spirit Doorways Image 2 Possibility to enhance the energy of possibility within you. The image symbolically depicts new energies that are spiraling into your life and dissolving the fear, stuckness and stagnation that have confined your spirit for so long.

Put the card where you can see and mediate on it in order to remind yourself to stay focused on possibility—especially when you catch yourself repeating old, self-critical patterns of I can’t. These energies will help you bring hope, love, and healing to your heart. They will continue to strengthen and grow in clarity the more you pursue your dreams, visions and inspirations.

What an amazing journey this has been!

Because of the sudden development of MS symptoms, I was forced to begin searching for some way to understand what had happened to me and why. I needed to know what the spiritual lesson was behind this disease. Why did it begin at this moment in my life? What did it have to teach me? And what major changes did I need to make in order to be healed?

This search led me to the teachings of Stephen and Lynda Kane and their School of Energy Awareness. I began working with them in the Entry Path program. Each month they began sending me new techniques and meditations that I have practiced daily ever since. The path Stephen and Lynda have been guiding me on is one of gradually learning how to live with intent—with Spirit in my life.

Moving from Hiding to Self-Expression

I began to realize that my whole life had been reflecting the themes of hiding, lack of trust in myself and fear of expressing who I really was. I could no longer deny my soul’s longing to shine its light within me.

Very gradually my energies began to change and I became more and more aware of the guidance my heart was giving me. The result was that I developed the courage to overcome my fears and start my life all over again in the United States after having lived in Italy for 26 years.

Over the past three years, my inner light has awakened my creativity. The result is the Spirit Doorways images. It has been a slow, step-by-step process. I had no idea where the images were leading me or how they wanted to be used. But I knew that it was important for me to focus on each one individually for as long as the process continued.

Today I am amazed at how these symbolic images have combined so many of the interests I have long pursued and studied, but in a completely new and unique form. It is as if my wildest, most cherished, most impossible dreams have become reality.

Becoming a Visionary Artist

The potential for this gift was always there but I didn’t know it: the gift of being able to receive visionary images while in an altered state of consciousness and then draw them. This ability was lying dormant, waiting in the shadows for me to reach the state of spiritual awareness where I could finally begin to access it.

Now it is as if creativity has become a powerful spiritual force in my life, a living essence and a trusted guide that has gradually led me into ever deeper levels of awareness and understanding. I have begun to realize that the images serve as containers for spiritual energies and that they hold many levels of meaning and potential.

These living symbols are reflections of many of the emotions, feelings, challenges, joys and awakenings I have been experiencing on the path to healing my body. But because the images arose directly from archetypal and spiritual realms, they also reflect universal emotions, feelings and states of consciousness.

For instance, some of the Spirit Doorways images reflect stuck emotions that need to be consciously resolved. Many of the symbols will help to clear these blocked flows of energy. Some reflect pathways of awakening and transformation and some reflect profoundly spiritual states of higher awareness.

I am still working on healing from the MS symptoms. There have been many improvements in my physical body, even though I still struggle with a foot drop and a weak leg. But the biggest changes have been emotional and spiritual. This whole process has completely transformed how I feel about myself. It has also opened up wondrous possibilities that weren’t there before. There are many ways to heal and sometimes healing the heart and spirit within us is the most important issue to deal with first.

Finding the Gifts within the Challenges

The MS has been a huge gift that forced me to make needed changes in my life. My desire to heal led me to the teachers I needed to develop energy awareness. As I did so, my essential creativity awakened, and I began to experience much deeper levels of spiritual awareness and joy. All of these incredible changes would not have happened if it hadn’t been for the health challenges.

I sincerely hope that the Spirit Doorways images will help you to become more aware of the blocks in your own body’s subtle energies. I know they will help you, as they have helped me, see the incredible gifts your challenges hold for you. I hope they inspire you to open to the infinite pathways within you that lead to new possibilities for transformation. I hope they help you become aware of the love, light and beauty in your own heart and lead you to Spirit.

My life has been so defined by these symbols for so long. Now the mystery is beginning to emerge as they take on form as a set of cards and fine art prints. The first stage in their completion process has reached its conclusion. The images are ready to be given to the world and want to begin to fulfill their own purpose and travel on their own journey of growth, exploration and magic.

One doorway is closing for me as others are beginning to open; one pathway is ending as another is beginning. As with anything that is created in the physical world, in new beginnings there are always endings. Fortunately contained within the endings, there are always new beginnings as well.

With the birth of the Spirit Doorways images and website, it is now time to celebrate this major milestone in my life! I want to offer my deepest gratitude to Stephen and Lynda Kane for giving me the techniques and empowerments I needed to awaken my abilities. Above all, I want to offer my heart-felt gratitude to the spirits who have guided me on this magnificent, creative journey of beauty.