Spirit Speaks in Whispers BLOG

White Knuckle Thoughts: Do You Allow Them to Control You?

2014-10-26T16:55:00.003-04:00

Last week, I became aware that I was white-knuckling my way through my workdays to reach my days off.

It didn't inspire much joy in me that I was trying to rush through my days, which is really just another way of saying I was trying to rush through my life. I became aware that there are only so many days I will be able to go through before they are all gone. Why rush?

It was eye-opening. My first thought was that I needed to find different work that I loved enough that I would do it even if I were not being paid. Maybe that's extreme and maybe it isn't. Maybe I will find something I love more and maybe I won't, but it doesn't matter, not really. I was just under the mistaken illusion that it did.

The fact is that while I may not be in love with it, I also don't dislike the work I do now. I hated the idea that I was trying to rush through my life for any reason. As long as I was doing that, feeling discontentment with such a big part of my life, how could I find any appreciation within it?

These were negative thoughts, and I was making them into my reality. They were permeating such a large space in my consciousness, but I didn't have to let that continue. This week I didn't allow myself to trot those habitual thoughts out.

I refused to allow myself to rush through any time I happened to be experiencing. Instead, I changed the subject in my head whenever they began to knock on the door to my consciousness. This week, I tried to stay in the moment and appreciate what was - the here and now. It was amazing how that changed my entire outlook!

We are in control of the thoughts we allow into existence. When they are not working for us, it is up to us to make them into thoughts that help us instead of hindering us. We have choices, but we must be open to what they are. We can either behave as if we are our best friends or our worst enemies.

Choose wisely.

A Flash of Insight

2014-10-12T17:59:00.000-04:00

It's interesting how you can hear the same thing a myriad of times and think nothing of it, but then one day you catch a quick glimpse of it out of nowhere, and it bursts into color and you finally understand exactly what it means. That's where I am today.

I am the tree. You can see how the flash fully enveloped me.

I've always heard that magic happens when we actually make up our minds, and claim what it is we want or who it is we wish to be in life, which in itself is clear enough, but it's just the tip of the iceberg. You can tell yourself all day long that you claim this or that, but it's deeper than mere words. It's owning, getting clear and committing ourselves fully, with no hesitation or doubt in our minds. It's an actual knowing that resides deep within ourselves, but make no mistake, it is a conscious choice that we are to make.

As for myself, I am one who has always foregone the full commitment. I may be committed for a day or a month, or even longer, but then decide differently or allow the maybe's to creep in, depending upon which way the wind happens to be blowing during that particular period in my life.

What caused this flash of insight for me? Watching a tv news show, there was a gorgeous prosecutor talking about a case. I was stunned by how pretty she was, and how much she looked like Britney Spears, so naturally, since my mind works this way, I took it and ran with it. I actually had to pause the program so I could really digest all that came with this delicious flight of fancy. Since I make sense of my world through my writing, I had to write all that it was bringing forth into my life - so I could really take a good, close look at it.

I thought of all that she could have chosen for herself, and found myself marveling at the fact that she hadn't become an actress or something more glamorous, but instead, was fully owning the fact that she was up to her eyeballs in a murder case. That was her reality, and it was a reality she had chosen for herself. It didn't just happen, all willy-nilly. It was the path she was forging with the time she had in this world. She could have chosen anything, clearly, but this was what she had fully committed to doing. This was the role she had chosen to play in her life. My ah-hah moment!

There appeared to be no doubts, no maybe's, no 'just for today'. This was what she had chosen to claim for her life. It was mind-blowing, but I loved the understanding it gave me. I loved that I finally got it!

For so long, I've 'known' this, but now I really know it in my heart and soul. You've got to love when these little flashes occur and all that you learn from just about anywhere. I always say my spiritual lessons can be gleaned from anywhere. It's not a religious experience for me, but I am taught from everything that touches my life in any way whatsoever. It's just a matter of being open to the lesson.

Which Wolf?

2014-08-10T15:08:00.000-04:00

As the fable goes, and I'm paraphrasing, there are two wolves living inside of each of us. One is evil and filled with all that is negative within us, (selfishness, greed, self-pity, etc), while the other is good and filled with all of our best characteristics, (love, kindness, peace, etc). According to the fable, the one who becomes strongest is the one we feed most often.

I had my spiritual awakening 25 years ago, thinking it was a permanent wake-up, but what do you know? I found myself napping for the past year! Fortunately, I've woken up once again, but part of what I have awoken to is the fact that it has to be a commitment, something that is worked on consistently. It is as easy as making your mind up to do just that.

Like a garden, our spiritual health can be overrun with weeds if we don't take the necessary actions. For me, I need to keep the health of my spiritual nature in the forefront of my mind. Living mindlessly is not an option.

You know, it's not so bad to have had that nap. Like any sort of relapse, it's what you learn from it. For myself, I've learned that I prefer a spiritual lifestyle and all that goes with it.

Removing Darkness One Day at a Time

2014-08-08T16:07:00.000-04:00

When I walked away from facebook, I temporarily gave up my spirituality and writing as well. I began to doubt I had anything to offer to the world. I doubted my voice. I just needed to stop where I was, until I was able to re-evaluate more accurately who I was, what had happened and why I felt the way I did.

I settled myself in front of my television and began to sullenly wean myself from most forms of Facebook, and from all forms of online approval seeking. I wanted a life that wasn't so closely linked to parking my ass in a chair in front of a computer screen, so instead I parked it in front of a TV screen.

I needed a break. I needed to get my bearings. For the time being, I absolutely just needed to stop trying to figure things out. I knew I was too close to the situation.

I still don't have all the answers, still don't know where I'm going from here, but I am working on driving the darkness away, and making choices that will help to refill my soul with light.

I have found one answer though. Writing and spirituality quicken my heart and soul, and if I do it for myself, it keeps me honest. It fills my soul with light. When I do it for others, when I basically lay myself naked in front of the world, I begin to feel insecure, and begin to yearn for signs of approval and acceptance.

Think of yourself, naked before anyone. It is difficult because we are so used to being clothed in front of others at all times. If it isn't acknowledged in some way, it leaves your imagination open to how you are being perceived. It's difficult!

Anyway, that's where I am today. I feel better writing, and I'm going to continue doing so, but this time I'm not going to concern myself with who may or may not be looking over my shoulder. If you are, I'm hoping you have a blessed day.

My State of Mind

2014-08-06T16:10:00.000-04:00

My heart wasn't right. I knew it even though I may not have voiced it aloud. My intentions had started from an honorable place, but somewhere along the way, my good intentions were derailed, and rather than to operate from a place of light and love, a darkness began to seep inside of me. My heart just wasn't right.

I stepped away from Facebook. It isn't good for me, and brings out a side I don't want to nourish. Maybe once my heart is healed, I'll be able to come back. I just don't know. I felt like I had tried and tried, and I was getting nowhere, and that's where my intentions came into the equation. I lost track of what they were. The numbers became too important, the comments, the likes. I began to compare my page to the pages of others, and I came up lacking. Even the really silly, superficial pages were lapping me.

I became resentful. It became about me and my ego. I began my fb page with the intention of helping people who yearned for spiritual growth, people who may have felt alone in their quest. I felt that I had something a little different to bring to the table.

I didn't want to be a preacher, and definitely not a guru. I wanted to be a sister who shared her experiences in a down-to-earth, deeply honest way. I didn't want to be all sunshine and light, because I know we often have stormy times in our lives and I wanted you to know that we don't have to weather them all on our own. I wanted you to know there was shelter to be found in those storms, if you will only seek it.

Since then, I have chosen to do nothing. I gave up writing. I gave up trying. Hell, I practically gave up my spiritual life altogether. I didn't know what the next step should be. I still don't really, but I knew since the end of this past year that I simply needed to step back and wait for the fog to clear. Doing these things when I was so damaged would only lead to further damage. I would be helping no one, not even myself.

I'm now ready to get back to my writing, so I imagine I will keep up this blog more regularly. I think it's therapeutic for me. I don't think I will announce each new blog post on fb in the future, (although I may on occasion). so it will be up to you if you wish to come along with me, or check by every now and then. Either way, it will be my personal diary, even as it is open to the world. If it serves any of you, that would please me, but I just can't go back to that numbers thing again.

I haven't entirely given up on fb. I check by and notice when someone leaves a message for me, and will even continue to post every now and then, but I don't see it going back to the way it was. This will be my main forum for now.

When Life is Over

2013-12-05T05:56:00.000-05:00

Do you realize just how much time we waste on the most useless of things? Do you realize how much of it

would cease to hold your attention if you found that your time on Earth was drawing to a close? One day it will, and your death may come tomorrow or next week, or before the New Year. Who knows?

I feel pretty sure Paul Walker wasn't planning for his time to end that afternoon a few days ago, and yet it did. He probably thought he had all the time in the world to do the sorts of things that would hold importance for him. He didn't.

The person going to his minimum wage job at Walmart on Black Friday ... It probably never occurred to him that he was rushing headlong into death. Who goes to work with the idea that they may be trampled to death before their shift ends? We never know what the day will bring.

It oughta' make us think about what is important in our lives. We ought to consider just how deeply or shallow we want our thoughts to go. About what it is we want to leave behind ...

Our deaths will arrive. Will we have lived our lives to the best of our ability, or will we be putting it off until a better time? Many of us will have no warnings whatsoever.

And then it will be over. It will be too late.

Growth That Only I Can See

2013-11-22T16:50:00.000-05:00

There are times when I feel that I need to make fantastic leaps forward in my life, and then others where I

believe I need to stand almost completely still, moving forward only incrementally, almost imperceptibly. I'm at one of those imaginary stand-still moments now.

I find it easy to psyche myself out and become overwhelmed by all the thinking I do, (too much, I believe), and all the expectations I have for myself. There is an ebb and flow to life and so much of the time I want to force the flow, but what peace there is to just accept the ebb for what it is. How comforting it is to accept that I just don't have the answers to propel me forward in any sort of quick way. It doesn't mean we aren't growing when we go through these spells. It just isn't in leaps and bounds at the moment.

I believe it's in moments such as this that I can gain so much. Moments that cause me to slow down and take stock and just be okay with where I am. It's a quiet kind of growth, nothing magnificent or awe-inspiring to anyone other than myself.

But for me, it's good. No pressure to be better or move farther, or make any giant statements with my life. As long as I know I am growing slowly and steadily, I'm good with this. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

Why Am I Seeing This All Around Me?

2013-11-14T05:50:00.000-05:00

Life is difficult. So many ups and downs that I find myself frustrated and hurt and disappointed at times, and just want to hibernate in a cave, somewhere on a desert island, away from the rest of the world. Turn it off

and stop participating. I don't want to be associated with it sometimes.

There are many things that I learn about the people of the world that I just don't want to know. It hurts my soul to see the harm that people inflict on each other, whether present-day or yesteryear. I don't understand how easy it is for people to justify cruelly abusing others.

I feel so sensitive to what I learn that I fear for my sanity. Sometimes I am so hurt by it all that I think I must be going mad.

Believe it or not, some of this comes from watching PBS programs, then following them up with my own research. I watch programs about kings of the past, and how beheading wives was a common occurrence, for instance. Why would anyone ever think a beheading was acceptable, anyway??? Or a hanging???

And then there are the series on Latin Americans, Native Americans, and African Americans; I am disgusted by how they have been treated by us as a country, and try as I might, I can't get back my ignorance.

I've learned new things about how we mistreat animals. Things I never knew, have never heard of or considered, things I will never be able to forget. I look at the cruelty of factory farming and can't understand how a thinking, caring world can ever find it to be okay how we are taking care of God's creatures.

There is so much about animals and how we are letting them down in this world we live in. I see people go onto sites that advocate the ethical treatment of animals, and post nasty hurtful content just to get a rise out of people who care too deeply.

I read threads on my Facebook, and see blatant disregard and disrespect between people when they don't know each other. I believe it is like road-rage on Facebook. It bothers me to think that that sort of attitude lurks beneath the smiles of people we interact with daily. It's like this is a safe outlet to let the monstrosity out of the closet for a soul-kill.

It all bothers me, even as I know that sometimes I think that way too; I just don't voice it. I keep the ugly side of myself hidden and show up with the smile. Just like everyone else.

It's hard for me to accept that we are all like this, that we all have the really nasty side to us as well as the loving side we more readily show the world.

Is it me, and the way that I am thinking that makes this so much bigger than life for me? Am I finding what I am expecting to see? Am I so busy trying to hold down these aspects of myself that they are coming out all around me?

Whatever it is, I want it to stop. I'm feeling haunted and Halloween's over.

I

Thoughts REALLY DO Create Our Reality!!

2013-09-26T17:45:00.000-04:00

For the majority of 2013, I have not been in a good place, but I couldn't put my finger on why it was like that for me. In the past month, I have taken a good look at the way my mind has been working and the thoughts I was putting forth. They were self-defeating, to say the least.

I've always known our thoughts were important, but I've never really known how important they are. I've looked at positive affirmations as useful little tools, but now I really understand that we need so much more than simple affirmations. Something deeper. Affirmations are only the tip of the iceberg. They're not all that helpful if the rest of the iceberg is filled with negativity. We need to really allow positive thoughts to envelope us fully and completely.

Something clicked. I began to notice all the information about our thoughts and the fact that they are actual things. Looking at my own, I was struck with how negative and angry I have been. It's no wonder that I had all that negative energy in my life with the way I was allowing myself to think about everything. I attracted it to myself.

I've begun to really examine all the talk on our thoughts and how they affect us. According to scientists, our brains receive 400 billion bits of information per second, but we only choose to pay attention to 2000 bits. Per second. We ignore the rest.

We repeat the same patterns over and over, choosing what we see and accept. Most of it is stuff we already know and have known most of our lives. Even with all the possibilities which exist, we narrow our field of vision to only a few and we live our life ignoring the rest as if they aren't even there.

I made the decision to change what I allowed my mind to think about, immediately focusing on what is good and positive. I began to see the abundance in my life rather than the lack I had focused on previously and had seen everywhere I looked. I began to imagine that my hands were giant magnets pulling all that is good towards me. I began to believe all that I wish for is already mine. I need only choose to accept it.

It's magical. I know I am not explaining it well yet, but I will delve into it more deeply and share as I go. Right now this is too new and the grasp I have is tenuous at best. I have so much more to learn.

I have always thought of this sort of talk as just that. Talk. But it's more than that. I know it. It's exciting, a new way of life, a breakthrough for me that changes everything about the way I experience life, but it's going to take a lot of practice.

I can't tell you how grateful I am to have received this gift at this time. I had begun to wonder if I would ever be happy again, or ever see things from a positive viewpoint again. Please check this out for yourself, and use the magnet hands like me. Everything you want is already yours and will come to you as you call it forth. All it takes is belief and expectations.

Make a Good Impression on YOURSELF!

2013-09-18T14:57:00.000-04:00

Often we don't take care of ourselves properly. We don't value ourselves as we should. In fact we take ourselves for granted rather than to act as if we are important, and that we matter. Often we look outside of ourselves to get those needs met, when we should really be looking into our own hearts.

During one of my more negative moments of despair and hopelessness, it occurred to me that I was the problem. The way I treat myself is the problem, the thoughts I allow to run rampant.

Having those thoughts inside of myself begins to show everywhere I look. The world corroborates and mirrors back as my reality whatever I am believing in my life, and it isn't comfortable, and it isn't the way I want to live, not with the sort of thoughts I've been entertaining.

We must come to see ourselves as valuable and irreplaceable. We need to be our own best friends, to mother ourselves as we wish to have been mothered. We aren't too old for a little tender loving care. That little child we once were is still alive and kicking. And still hurting when we turn our backs on her. She believes what our actions tell her of her importance, and of whether she is lovable.

There are many things we value in this world, but we should be at the top of the list. Otherwise, life can lose it's luster. We need to champion ourselves, treat ourselves like someone we wish to impress, and pamper ourselves readily. I don't mean that we should become all egotistical, but rather to offer ourselves a deep, intrinsic love and appreciation for the child we were and still are.

If necessary, pretend at first. Act as if. As if someone you love is coming for dinner even though it is only you. Make a good impression. Eat off the good China, light candles. Do it up for yourself. You deserve it. The little girl you were deserves it. Sooner or later, your actions always reflect that which you value. Please learn to value yourself.

And this goes double for me.

Self-Acceptance

2013-09-05T03:42:00.000-04:00

Learn to appreciate and accept who you are, both your good qualities and your bad, and realize they are simply two sides to the coin which is you.

You aren't meant to live a life that others expect of you. You aren't meant to live a life free from all error. You aren't meant to live a life full of either darkness or light, but rather, both. I think we have been so inundated with showing only certain sides of ourselves that we have lost sight of who we actually are.

To live as a full person, we must try to accept all parts of ourselves: the good and bad, happy and sad, positive and negative, cool and uncool, confident and fearful. And yes, I know how difficult this is. I know how it is to be hungry for love and approval, and to believe that I will receive it only if I show a certain side of myself to the world. I've spent my life struggling to learn how to love all the parts of myself, even the not-so-pretty aspects that are a part of my make-up. I tend to forget that I am enough as I am.

I'm not alone in that struggle, but I have learned to be vocal about it. I will either be accepted or rejected, but so what? I am not living my life for anyone other than me. My opinion is the only one that matters when it comes to my self-worth. God is within my heart and soul and that is where my self-worth originates.

My desire is to be real and authentic regardless of how that may be received by the world. I have problems sometimes because of my own desire to twist myself into an image that is attractive to people who neither know me nor care about me. I often look outside of myself when I should search within.

I recognize this same search in others because it is so prevalent in me. We all want to be recognized and celebrated. We all yearn for approval, but it's never going to be enough if we don't find it within ourselves.

But it isn't all about me in this world. There are so many people who forget, as I do, that we are perfect in our imperfection, that we are made exactly as we need to be and that we need to listen to ourselves and not to others when it comes to who we are. Our character and our reputation are two different things. We are responsible for our character while our reputation comes from whatever someone else thinks of us.

Be who you are and try not to worry about how you are received by the world-at-large. As long as you are good with yourself, and good with God, the rest will fall into place. Don't sell yourself out for the approval of anyone, whether a stranger or a friend. Be true to yourself.

A Question of Beauty

2013-09-02T03:55:00.001-04:00

Beauty is so much more than a pretty face; it's more than skin-deep, and so much more than how we look. We may be pretty on the outside but that doesn't make us beautiful in my opinion. Some of our mothers used to say "Beauty is as beauty does" and I think that is closer to the truth.

For many of us, and I am very definitely speaking about myself, a pretty face is an illusion built in our youth. We use the illusion of power that it gives us to convince ourselves that we matter to the world at large, that we are valued and admired, but that sort of self-worth is fleeting at best. It comes from the outside, and we are unable to have any sort of control over it. What happens when we are no longer young and pretty, when we are no longer attractive to the opposite sex? What happens when our face stops getting us everything we want through no effort on our part?

Physical attractiveness dwindles as we age, thank goodness, but what happens when we have banked exclusively on our looks, when we have put all our eggs only in that one particular basket? What happens when we fall down and every egg in the basket cracks?

Many times it leaves us empty, especially if we never took the time to develop other aspects of ourselves. When our looks have dissipated, we also lose the illusion of self-worth that we fooled ourselves into believing we had, the idea that we matter. It's important that we find out for ourselves that we do matter in this world.

Throughout this past week, I have found myself thinking about the repercussions of aging, of beauty and what it is to me, and I came to the realization that it makes no difference at all what any of us look like from the outside. It is what is in our hearts that makes us beautiful. That's all. At least, that's all to me.

Rather than to concentrate all my efforts on the right make-up and clothing that flatters my body shape, my hair being just so, if I will just put all the wasted effort of retaining a youth that cannot stay, into being a woman of real substance, I'll actually earn a deeper level of respect from myself. That is an example of true self-worth. It comes from within.

I believe if I can matter in the lives of others for their highest well-being, and for their sakes rather than my own, I will have achieved what I consider beauty to be. If I can make even the smallest dent in making this world a better place for some small part of humanity, I will be a success in my own eyes. That's true self-worth. It is within my control.

Life is different for me now, and even though there are times I may lament these changes and may even miss some parts of my youth, I know that what I may have lost in physical attractiveness is nothing compared with what I stand to gain in true beauty. And even more in peace of mind. Life is good.

Growing up isn't the end of the line. As a grown up, we have the ability to make a difference in the world that we never had the chance to do by our looks alone. It's never too late. Sometimes it may take some time to get through this lesson, but we can definitely do it if we choose to.

A Follow-up to Monday's Rant

2013-08-28T14:04:00.000-04:00

There are times when I just get fed up. I mean no harm, but I am very observant to how everything hits me. It shows me when I'm 'off', or when something needs to be looked at and perhaps changed or adjusted. It's how I am guided through life. I very thoroughly examine when things are not working for me. I feel like it is God's way of setting my sail, of prompting me to take action. Hence, my blog post from Monday.

I don't tend to write about happy, carefree times. I simply enjoy them. I am essentially an upbeat, happy and positive person most of the time, so when I am challenged, feeling angry, or focusing on something being wrong, it makes me sit up and take notice. I know it is something that needs special attention, and that's when I settle down and dissect whatever it is that is in my face. It may be that I just need to acknowledge what's going on inside me so that I can move through it, but then again it may be that I need to make some major overhaul.

I am especially sensitive to what feels painful to me in any way, and by pain I mean anything that is affecting me negatively. It sticks in my craw and I can't overlook it for long, so this is what I do no matter how it may come across to anyone else; I write about it. It's only when I have tried stuffing my feelings about something, (which I shouldn't do), that it comes out as a rant.

It may be that I am searching for solutions, or it may be that I am recognizing that something I'm doing just isn't working for me. Maybe it is something trying to come to surface which I've been hiding from myself. Sometimes it will be a full-fledged rant, and then other times it may simply be a tiny whisper. But let me assure you that most times it will be highly embarrassing to me. It isn't natural to let others see us with all our warts and blemishes showing, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

And that is why I do it. I thrive on what I am experiencing, on what teaches me who I am, and what makes me unique, both the bad and the good. I love learning about myself. Maybe I had my glasses on backwards Monday, or maybe I didn't, but you can bet something needs examination when it comes out with as much force and venom as it did then.

I had to relate everything I was seeing back to me. It is not others who have pissed me off. It is myself. I was looking into a mirror for all intents and purposes. It would never bother me to the extent it did if it hadn't hit home with me, but I needed to see firsthand how it related to me. It is through writing and self-reflection that I am able to see this and move through it.

As I write I reveal who I am, plain and simple, good or bad. Mostly to myself. It is how I maneuver in this world, how I make sense of whatever may be happening in my life. It doesn't have to be politically correct or cushioned in positive affirmations. It only needs to be my Truth. It is who I am in all my splendor.

And I'm okay with that.

Griping About Facebooking & Blogging

2013-08-26T05:09:00.000-04:00

Although it may pain me to admit this into the stratosphere, I am often filled with doubt and insecurity, and as a matter of fact, sometimes I am downright pissed off at the feelings I am left with by dealing with Facebook and writing a blog. Maybe I'm doing something wrong, or expecting too much, or maybe I just have a really crappy attitude.

Laying myself bare before the world is one thing. It can be difficult, but I can live with that easily enough most of the time. I enjoy writing about the world and how I experience it. However it often feels as if Facebook feeds my worst fears. I see the all-important tell-all numbers as soon as I go to my page. They may as well be flashing in neon; the slightest change can be so obvious to me.

I am not bothered by the numbers on all pages, only Spirit Speaks in Whispers, (the Facebook page closest to me), and the blog. I wish they were not created to be such a main focal point.

These numbers have the ability to play me like a cheap guitar. Either I have done well and the numbers reflect that, or they show me otherwise. They are either reflecting your approval of me, or whispering I am not good enough, that my words have fallen on deaf ears, and that I have wasted my time and energy. It's either all or nothing to me, black or white, with no room for gray. And yes, I am exaggerating ... a little.

Sometimes it can be difficult to write when I see the flashing neon and it is not flashing approval, and other times it may not even faze me; it's the furthest thing from my mind. I guess it all depends on where I am in my spiritual journey, but the truth is that sometimes I just don't like where I am. Maybe this is necessary for me to go through, so that I might find my way, the path I am meant to take.

You'll notice how I back away from Facebook and blogging periodically, and now you know why. I don't think I'm the only one who is disturbed by the effect of the numbers. It's the way Facebook tries to shame us into putting money towards advertising.

And to be even more honest, it isn't only about the numbers sometimes. I go through periods of time when social media just gets on every nerve I have. Is it possible it just isn't right for me?

Sometimes I see snake-oil salesmen everywhere I look; sometimes social media seems filled with people trying to get rich at the expense of their followers, or I see how they are trying to manipulate their followers into believing they must have something they are selling. I see them giving away one thing in an attempt to sell their product later when they have convinced their followers they are trustworthy. I obviously follow too many of these people on my page.

Another time, I may notice people pretending their lives are something more than they actually are, or maybe there are too many Pollyannas on my personal page at different times. It just seems so contrived at times. Not so much on these two right now, thank goodness, probably because I am inundated with the snake-oil salesmen, and stopped allowing these people to come onto my page from the last time I felt this way.

And now my question is, why the hell am I on Facebook so much of the time anyway????

Arghhhhh, this really needs to move along. Anyway, I expect nothing more and nothing less from writing this blog post. It is simply where I am today, the feelings I am experiencing today and need to move through. They will pass.

What a grumpy woman I am!! I am really not very sure I even like Facebook and the effect it has over me. In my opinion there is something missing from all social media other than the quick blurbs that make us sound so wise, or humorous, or so with-it, or whatever it is we are so busy fashioning ourselves into at any given moment. Where is our spontaneity? Where are the people who simply are who they are, with no agenda of any kind? So many of us are concerned with presenting a just-right image of ourselves to the world. Ughhhh.

Do any of you ever feel the down-side of Facebooking or is it just me?

Please excuse and forgive my rant. I know many of you who aren't what I am describing. I also know it is somewhat of a rambling rant, but just wanted to get it off my chest. I would really like to hear your opinion of this blog, whether negative or positive. Just make it real and heartfelt. That I can deal with!

My Foundation Is Cracked

2013-08-12T05:35:00.002-04:00

Beyond the shadow of a doubt, I am a spiritual seeker and always have been. I spend a large portion of my time in deep thought, often unable to sleep because I am ruminating on this thought or that, nearly always as it relates to me. I find myself listening for any hint of an answer whether I am driving in my car or sleeping in my bed.

Too often I live in my head instead of my heart, and in my head, I am number one. I find that I often go through life with a hardened heart towards others, especially if I can't see their pain clearly.

It hasn't always been like this though. In my early days, I was on what I have heard described as a pink cloud. I describe it as being plugged into God. I learned to love myself by loving others but somewhere along the way, once that lesson was learned, I took it to another level where I made sure to insulate and protect myself.

Maybe I cared so much I felt I needed to harden myself a bit, and now like a pendulum that has come to rest in the middle, so do I. I'm not as soft as I once was, and I don't like that, but I don't have to be hard either. I don't have to take it to either extreme. I miss seeing all the beauty that surrounds me. I will try to remember to be on the lookout for all the beauty in this world and it's inhabitants. We see what we are looking for.

I don't mean that I never think of others, because that isn't true . When the pain of another is obvious to me I am right there with them, but I have lost sight of the cracks in the armor when they hide it too well, and I find it easy to forget the fact that we are all suffering, no matter how big and strong and self-confident we may pretend to be.

I know that love isn't necessarily a feeling, and I know I treat people with love, but I don't always feel it in my heart, and I am determined that I want to feel it in my heart, and to get out of my head. I want to experience the softness, the vulnerability ... everything that comes from having an open heart.

There are times when we must go back and fix what is broken within ourselves and that's where I am right now. I don't want to be a selfish hardhearted woman; I want to live my life with an open heart, a softened heart, and I want to experience myself showing love to those who need it, and that includes everyone in this world.

And this is the foundation I need to repair before I can advance any further. It always comes back to fixing the deepest innermost issues. The foundation is the most important part of the house. If it is faulty, the entire building may crumble at any moment.

What about you? Do you find your heart open and soft, or closed and somewhat hardened? No matter how I got here or why, it isn't where I intend to stay. I'll take vulnerability any day of the week. How do you keep yourself in balance?

Unselfish Love

2013-08-07T04:12:00.002-04:00

I've received numerous comments on my facebook page in the past whenever I have posted any sort of message about getting back for yourself that which you give out to the Universe. I often get the response that it isn't true.

It happened again the other day. I posted the photo to the left, and again it was met with sadness because one of my readers felt that she wasn't thriving because she isn't shown love in her life. I tried to assure her that we can all thrive when we show love to others who are less fortunate, but she responded that even though she does it daily, she isn't appreciated for it.

That struck me and I felt it required a more in-depth answer than I could offer on facebook, so here goes my two-cents on the subject. Of course we thrive when we are shown love, just like the cow in the picture, but what about when we feel alone and alienated, or unloved?

What's the Solution?

When we are not given love in our lives for whatever reason, it is imperative that we try to give away what we are missing to someone who is down on their luck and needs a helping hand or a big dose of love. That doesn't mean we let others take advantage of us though. It means we actually care about how others are feeling. We aren't doing it out of guilt or because we think we should.

It means we actually know how it feels to be without love and we want to give it to someone who needs it because we wish them to feel loved. My main question here is this though, what is your motivation? Are you martyring yourself, being all self-sacrificing? Trying to prove to others what a good person you are? Are you giving to another because you wish them love, or to get something back for yourself? It matters.

The motivation is key, I believe. If you are giving only to get love, appreciation and approval, you are giving selfishly. If you are giving because you truly want to improve the life of another, then it shouldn't matter if you get anything back for it. That is giving unselfishly, with no thought for yourself. There is a reward for that as a natural by-product.

I'm Not Talking About Family

If it goes unappreciated and you feel used, you are helping the wrong person, and need to find someone who actually values your time and your love, someone who is not just taking selfishly. For me, most of the time that is someone who is not an immediate family member.

That doesn't mean I don't give to my family, but just that there are many people who have no-one and need it more. We are too easily manipulated by guilt and taken for granted by our family members. Much of the time they may be just wanting something, and not needing it. Giving to family is different than what I am referring to when I tell you to give of yourself. We're too close and irrational when it comes to dealing with our loved ones.

What it comes down to here, and my two-cents is almost spent, is that we give away what we don't feel we have, but we do it because we know how it is to go without and we want to spare others that pain. We do it because we care and it matters that we can make a difference in someone's life. It is also our way of giving it to ourselves, because what we do for others, we also do for ourselves, but that is a side-effect of our actions.

We are not doing it in a manipulative and selfish way, but with a pure and loving attitude. What we do with family has nothing to do with this. That's another matter entirely.

Look for where you can help. Allow others to see that they matter. Give of yourself and it will come back to you when you least expect it. This kind of giving costs nothing, but is priceless to those who receive it.

And to you.

Please feel free to comment or debate my opinion below if you wish to add to this. Your input is always appreciated.

Our Energy Tells It All

2013-08-05T03:39:00.000-04:00

Was just thinking about how others react to us when our fear and insecurity is showing vs when it is not. I was thinking about something happening to me on two different days, on one day met by me with the fear of how others would view it, and insecurity of how I would be accepted because of it.

I can remember how the same thing happened on another day, and how unimportant it was what anyone else thought about it. In my own head, it was a non-issue.

It was practically the same thing, yet the reaction was entirely different. On the first day I felt judged, and I can only surmise that I brought the judgement from others onto myself, probably because I had also judged myself.

On the day that it was a non-issue for me, it was also a non-issue for everyone else. It kind of makes you think about how much power you wield over your life.

Anyway, not much of a blog post today, but just wanted to share these random thoughts with you. We make our world what it is. When we are in a crappy mood, we spread it to those we meet throughout the day. We give them our crap and they give us theirs'. When we are happy and filled with joy, that is what is spread and returned to us.

And when we are filled with fear and insecurity and self-judgement, guess what we are sharing? And guess what we are getting back into our lives? Our energy tells on us. Be careful of your thoughts and beliefs. They have far more power than it would seem.

Have you seen this happen in your own life? It's fascinating, don't you think?

But It Isn't Fair

2013-08-02T03:32:00.000-04:00

We all have crappy days when everything seems to be going wrong. I don't have them often, but when I do, they have a way of leaving me filled with despair unless or until I do something to change my day up.

I'll admit that I often choose to stay in those crappy feelings for awhile, especially if I feel as if I have been treated unfairly in any way. I may know I can do something about it, but I'll often choose to pout for just a little while. I want to feel wronged for just a short while rather than to adjust my own attitude.

Maybe I'm not ready to quit pointing my finger at what the other person did, or maybe I feel like it isn't fair, that it compounds the fact that I've been wronged, and yet it still falls to me to fix it. It's like a double whammy.

But, fall to me it must, because it is my day that is being ruined, and I can't count on anyone else to fix it for me. I do ruminate on the unfairness of it all. I may even bitch and moan to someone over the phone about it, but even while I am doing that, I know it is within my power to fix, and I also know how much I hate being around others who stay stuck in the mindset I am exhibiting.

I know this, so I do something about it as soon as I possibly can. I deliberately begin to think in terms of gratitude, which is somewhat hard to do when you're stuck in the midst of hurt feelings, but even when I'm still there, I will try to come up with at least one thing that is right about my life.

I can assure you that I start small, the gratitude seeping in slowly. Just a trickle to begin with. Sometimes just coming up with one thing is difficult to do at that particular time, but I don't stop there. It may take a little while, but I usually end up on a roll.

It's impossible to think about what is right and what is wrong at the same time, so I concentrate on what is right. I allow thoughts of gratitude to flood my mind, washing out the resentment I was feeling up until that point.

It really is such a simple thing, but to make the shift takes commitment to yourself and your spiritual health. Don't mistake simple with easy though. It's much easier to focus on what's wrong and the resentment it has ushered in, but I can assure you that it will not help you to do that.

Be fair to yourself, even when others may not be. Put your mental health above petty resentments that will hurt no one but you. Make the commitment to yourself to live a happier life, no matter what others may bring to you. You deserve it.

Give Yourself a Break

2013-07-31T15:33:00.001-04:00

None of us start out where we want to end up in our lives.

Well, let me take that back. Maybe we do start out where we want to end up, but it isn't long before we unlearn it and place ourselves back at zero. That's how we learn to grow. It's as it should be.

There's no shame in being where we are if we are trying to better ourselves spiritually. If we are growing, we are improving and becoming a better version of ourselves than we were yesterday. This is cause for respect from others, as well as self-respect .

We don't always get the respect from others, however, and in that case, I recommend a double dose of self-respect and appreciation. Only you know where you've been, and how far the journey has been to get here.

I don't think we give ourselves as much credit as we deserve. Perhaps we look at ourselves as we imagine others do, and in our minds, we fall short. Perhaps we actually do fall short. Everyone does at different times in their lives. So what?

We aren't supposed to be perfect and have all the answers. We are supposed to be seeking. We have to give ourselves a break when our flaws cry out, give ourselves compassion, understanding and forgiveness, and try to learn from our mistakes and do better next time..

Being imperfect and embracing that imperfection shows others that if we're okay, then they must be too. Our rough edges give us character and show us as being real, approachable, and vulnerable.

No matter how we are seen by others, which, by the way, is none of our business, we have to learn to accept ourselves and our limitations as they are today. That doesn't mean we don't better ourselves, but only that we don't beat ourselves up for where we are right now.

Spiritual growth is a process, not an event. It isn't all that noticeable on a daily basis, but when you turn around and look back from where you've come, you will notice the change. And sometimes, others will see it even before you do.

If you are growing at all, you are getting better everyday. Learning takes time, and spiritual growth takes practice as with any art. Please make an effort to give yourselves a break and see when you have grown at all, no matter how negligible it may seem to you. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be a small toddler you love who is in your care.

What about you? Do you get discouraged where you are, or do you take note of small accomplishments? Can you turn around and look back, and see the distance you have come, or do you look at yourself with disdain because you haven't done better? Please be proud of who you are and how far you have come.

Enough As We Are

2013-07-29T14:23:00.001-04:00

I often go through periods of time when I try to decipher what kind of Facebook posts, pictures or blogs will attract the most readers or the most comments. I was thinking about that again yesterday, when I had the epiphany that it isn't really my place to do that.

What is my place to do, is to write about what attracts me. I am not here to contort myself into whatever I think the reader may want me to be, no more than I am here to try to contort myself into whatever I believe my friends may be looking for.

My only requirements are to be who I am, have respect for who I am, and to be the best version of who I am rather than to try to be the best version of who anyone else thinks I should be. It isn't possible to be anyone other than me, and I can only offer that which I have.

It just doesn't make any difference what the world may be looking for if I am not that person. There will be someone who will come along to fulfill that role and it will fit him naturally. What I offer, and what you offer, is unique to us, and that's how it should be.

There is no magic formula here. Our only hope is to find the way to open ourselves to our hearts and souls. We can't be all things to all people, but we can discover who we are and what we have to offer the world. It's there, but we must discover how to be true to ourselves so we can give to the world around us. It can be done.

I remember hearing Oprah talk about trying to be Barbara Walters when she was a young newscaster, until the day she realized that that role was already filled and how if she persisted, the best she could expect to be would be a good second-rate version of a first-rate Barbara. And that was when Oprah made the decision to be the Oprah we all know today.

Do you ever find yourself trying to twist into someone you think would be more acceptable in the eyes of another, or have you discovered how to be totally true to yourself? It's a process, but it's one that will occur more frequently as we grow spiritually, and as we come to realize that we are enough as we are.

Those Dreaded Words

2013-07-26T03:46:00.000-04:00

"Vic's put on some weight over the years!" The dreaded words that have kept me in hiding from my old friends of a lifetime ago, the words I imagined and feared would be uttered when I turned my back, or when we parted company for the evening and they were left to talk amongst themselves.

I know how different I look from the petite young thing I once was when I had such a tiny slender physique. It's most of the reason I didn't want to go, and also most of the reason I knew I had to.

What I feared has come upon me.

My heart skipped a beat as Rick, my old friend, related to me what had been said after we parted. As my first reaction, in self-defense and with the spirit of a little meanness, I imagined the one who had said it holding a mirror underneath his belly in search of his penis. He too had gained weight, but that wasn't my main focus when I saw him, not even close. I had been genuinely happy to see him. The physical changes didn't sway me in any way. I guess I had expected them.

But after all these years, seeing each other after 35 years, the thought echoed in my mind that his main comment referred to a number on a scale when it came to me. That's all he saw? I was a little sad, but it was also liberating for me in a way. Body image has been such a huge obstacle for me.

Screw the fact that I've aged. I've gained weight!! I have gone from a sex goddess to a normal woman in her mid-fifties. I don't look the same. Sound the alarm!!!

I've gained weight. And what else? Look deeper. Yes, I guess it would be the most obvious change, but is that the only thing you observed about me? I'm actually an entirely different person these days from the poor insecure young woman I once was. The weight is a small thing, but it is true. It is a fact that I weigh more now than I did in my early twenties. Most of us do.

I thought the words I had dreaded over the years would hurt me so much more than they did, but in all honesty, they were true. As my sister said when I discussed it with her, he had just made an observation about the elephant in the room, (which made me laugh. Did she know she just called me an elephant?).

Bottom line is, though, I made it through the words I've feared for so long, and they didn't kill me. They may have hurt but really, it was just a little bit. I made it through. I don't think I will fear them anymore.

Could it be that I will be able to accept myself as I actually am now, or will I have to go through this a couple more times? My old friends will either accept this version of me or they won't, and either way, it's okay.

Can any of you relate to this? How would it make you feel to hear words like these? Do you fear them as much as I did? And ... what in the hell was my friend Rick thinking by relating that comment back to me, anyway? It may be time to shoot the messenger.

What is My Purpose With This?

2013-07-24T03:52:00.000-04:00

Expanding on my discouragement from this past weekend, it's become clear to me why I .had to go through it all. My plans for the future include writing about my life and what I learn from it, and while that's all well and good, it looks like it will also be necessary to include things that don't come quite as naturally to me, although I am willing to learn the ropes.

I am beginning to see all the nuts and bolts that come with making a career from writing, and let me tell you, there are a lot of nuts and bolts that go with it. If you've ever put together any project for your kids or maybe furniture that comes with so many small pieces that they overwhelm you, you'll understand where I am coming from.

It makes me feel as if I have gotten in over my head, and that maybe I will never get it together just right, and even though I'm already feeling that way, on top of that, I found myself getting insecure about how it will be accepted and received. Or even whether it will be accepted by the people for whom I write.

I mean, what if no one wants to hear what I have to say? Maybe I have given myself more credit than I deserve. It's hard to be the wind beneath your own wings. It's hard to give yourself the encouragement you need or wish to have, when the rest of the world wants to prepare you for when and if whatever you're doing doesn't work.

As for the cherry on top, I also found I had lost sight of why I was writing. I began to look for what I could get out of it, the money or the approval, rather than what I could be giving, and that is truly the biggest mistake I could make, because it doesn't really matter what I get; if even one other person gets something from my words, that should be enough.

That is why I write. I hope you can relate to it, and I often can't tell if you do or not, but I do it with the hope that maybe you will. That being said, my writing can't hinge on whether you appreciate it or not. It will drive me crazy if I have to have large numbers of people showing their approval.

And that's what I need to keep in mind. I need to back off of all the nuts and bolts and let it happen more organically, more from the heart. I need to remember that I'm doing it for you, first and foremost, and not for anything else that may come as a result of it.

Have you ever gotten ahead of yourself with what you desire from life? Do you ever lose sight of where it is you wish to go? Or why you wish to go there?

Ummm ... I Don't Think So

2013-07-22T03:40:00.001-04:00

It's Saturday afternoon where I now am, and I don't intend to publish this until Monday morning. I woke this morning to a sense of intense, crushing discouragement.

I woke before my usual time and was unable to go back to sleep. I've had this physical sensation twice now this week, once caused by fear when I was torn about seeing my old friends, and then this morning when I felt discouraged about the way my present and future plans for my life were unfolding.

It's interesting to me that the physical sensations are exactly the same. As long as I lay in bed, on the fence about my intentions with either situation, the feelings are crushing and depressing, causing great discomfort to me. I find myself not wanting to move, but instead to curl up in a ball and just marinate.

There's a heaviness in my heart. My thoughts have been less than uplifting. Way less. And yet, I have allowed them to run rampant, causing greater and greater distress. Like I said, I was marinating.

But I think that's okay and is even useful to me. I have always found that I need to sit in the things that cause me the greatest distress before I can move through them to the other side. I have to allow these difficult feelings and emotions to express themselves to me whether I want to hear them or not. Only then will I be able to make an informed decision concerning what I want to do about them.

I'm up now, and have decided to go forth as planned with my life, even if I may be scared and disappointed in the way my life may be looking at the moment. I have decided not to let these stumbling blocks trip me up, and even though I may not be seeing the results I'd like to see, I will assume they are on their way to me.

I will proceed in spite of all the noisy little voices telling me to step down. I stopped what I was doing, listened to what they had to say, gave them the respect due, and now I will expect the same in return. These are decisions that only I can make.

Does fear ever yammer in your ear, trying to create self-doubt, trying to convince you to abandon your dreams? If so, how do you handle it? Is your process different than mine?

Who's the Bitch now, Fear???

2013-07-19T14:56:00.001-04:00

Such anxiety yesterday. I asked you about taking a step that may not be important to you, but what if you felt that the only thing really holding you back from it was fear? You said do it, and in my heart I thought that was the only real answer for me too, but let me back up a minute and get more specific.

Many of you who have read my blog for awhile have probably seen where I have allowed fear to make me avoid people who knew me in my youth, even when they were people I felt I could have been friends with today. I was so dependent on my looks back then. I identified to my body and my looks to the exclusion of every other part of me.

I wrote a blog awhile back about my friend, Alan, who I avoided because I was afraid I would be such a huge disappointment when comparing the way I look today to the way I looked 35 years ago. Alan was someone I would have liked to know in this day and age, but he died before I was done hiding out, so that brings me to yesterday.

In my young adulthood, we were a group of people who always hung out together. It's the same group from which I knew Alan, but the one who contacted me yesterday was someone I had been speaking to on the phone sporadically for the past six months or so, and I wasn't very attracted to the conversations.

I knew that he was not someone I saw eye to eye with on some important issues in life, and I doubted that the friendship from our youth would transfer to the present moment, since I know myself so much better now. However, he was proposing a get together with the remaining members of the group.

I was paralyzed by that same fear of being a let-down to them, and I wanted to do anything else but let them see me as I am today, but I also knew that if I didn't, I would always be fear's bitch, which is the only reason I said yes. I felt I had no choice if I wanted to move past my fears.

I did it only to beat my fear. I didn't necessarily want to see my old friends, or rekindle the embers of friendships from so long ago. I could have kept them as a part of my cherished past from another day and age, and would have had no regrets about doing it that way, but the deciding factor was the fear. I have allowed fear to rule my life for far longer than I should have.

I couldn't stand by and let it beat me again. Once I saw it up close in my face trying to rule me again. I knew I had to take it down. I'm very proud of myself that I didn't let it rule me this time. I have taken a step forward to reclaim my life. Yay, me!!!

What about you? How do you handle fear when it creeps in and tries to have it's way with you? Have you looked fear in the eye at any time in your life, and made a decision to move forward in spite of it?

Are You Holier Than Thou?

2013-07-17T05:15:00.000-04:00

It's far too easy to look at people in our lives with a judgmental attitude. We often feel we have taken the moral highground in comparison, but in truth, we are not in any position to judge anyone else's life. We have never walked in the shoes of anyone other than ourselves.

How do we judge someone else and then have the gall to become self-righteous when it is done to us? What makes us so special that we can pretend to be morally superior to another? Why do we deserve better treatment than that which we give to others?

It comes naturally and easily for us all to look down our noses at those who are different than we are, and it needs to be monitored. It slips out when we aren't paying attention to what we are offering of ourselves.

The truth is that we don't know the path that anyone else has traveled, and are in no position to believe we are morally more right than anyone else. Who can say that, given the same set of circumstances, we would have done anything any differently?

This is done so regularly that we no longer even notice it. We are equal - no better and no worse. We all make mistakes, and do things we should think twice about. All of us.

Treat your brothers and sisters with the same grace you'd like to receive in your own life. We are all only human. When we know better, we do better. Remember that.

Do you ever catch yourself judging others for their actions? Do you ever feel judged for your own actions? What's the difference?