* Convincing someone to seek help for addiction

* Intervention and short term help

* Long term sobriety and overcoming addiction for the long haul

* Getting the results you want.

This website has two different groups of readers: addicts who are struggling to stay clean and sober, and also the friends and family of the struggling addict who are looking for ways that they might help them to recover. These are 2 completely different kinds of addiction help that might be studied and applied in your life, depending on which situation you are dealing with. Actually there are some similarities regardless of whether you are the addict or the loved one. Some of the same principles apply to both situations, such as the idea of surrender.

For example, the addict needs to surrender to their disease and stop struggling against it and trying to control it if they are to get started on a new life in recovery, while the friend or family member of the addict must surrender to the idea that they cannot control another person, no matter how badly they want to. Both groups of people can benefit from the concept of surrender.

I am a recovering addict myself who has been on both sides of the coin. I struggled for years to get clean myself and eventually succeeded. Now I spend a lot of time and energy trying to help others to recover. So I get to see a lot of what works and what doesn’t, and I can also compare this to my own experiences and what ultimately worked for me.

Convincing someone to seek help for addiction

A reader recently wrote in and asked me: “What was it that finally convinced you to seek help for your addiction? What was your mental state when you finally decided to get help? How did you arrive at this point?”

My personal moment of surrender occurred for reasons which might have been beyond anyone’s control. Some circumstances led me to a point of desperation.  For one thing, my girlfriend at the time was out of town with her family, and I was alone for the first time in a long time. I think this might have been a big part of it: that I realized what the future held for me if I continued to drink. I was alone and trying my hardest to have a great time and be happy while getting loaded, and the booze was just not doing the job that it used to do. I was drinking 151 proof liquor and could not get to that “happy place.” It had stopped working. I am sure I could have blacked out eventually, but where was the fun? These were the exact realizations that I had on the day that I surrendered.

Now at the time, my family wanted for me to get sober and that was an influencing factor as well, though I can not say to what extent. Their support and their caring about me certainly nudged me toward sobriety. But by itself, that would never be enough to sway an alcoholic. I had to be desperate for change myself.

People use the wrong terms frequently when describing this state of surrender. They say things like “You have to want it badly enough for it to work.” It is not so much a want. It is more of a desperation that is needed. You have to be desperate for change in your life.

If you are trying to convince someone to seek help, ask yourself: “Are they desperate for change in their life?” If they are, then now might be the time to offer encouragement or direction (such as pointing out where 12 step meetings are or calling to get them into rehab).

If an addict is not desperate for change, then ask yourself: “Am I preventing this person from finding a point of desperation? Am I enabling them to avoid despair and misery and desperation?”

Sometimes we have to get out of the way and let the addict dig themselves into a hole. If we are constantly rescuing them then they will not likely get to a point of desperation. I became desperate when my support system was gone. My emotional support system. That was when I became desperate to change my life because I no longer had a distraction from myself. I had to face my life squarely and I got a powerful look at my potential future.

What if, on the days leading up to my surrender, my family or friends had decided to try to “help me out” by keeping me company and drinking with me? Would that have helped? Of course not. I probably would have kept on drinking. People had to withdraw their support for me to get to the point of desperation. Obviously, you cannot condone the behavior if you want to see it change. If you want someone to stop drinking, then do not support their drinking in any way. Don’t drink with them. Don’t be around them at all if they are drinking. Withdraw your support for the behavior.

This also brings up the idea of consequences. I had to see the future a bit to get desperate. I had to experience some consequences (isolation) before I could make a decision.

It is not realistic to sit down and convince an alcoholic to stop drinking directly. But you can still make a difference. Don’t do things that prevent the person from getting desperate. This is known as enabling behavior. In most cases, all you can really do is simply withdraw your support.

Intervention and short term help

To be fair, I am a bit biased because I work in a treatment center, and also because that is ultimately how I got clean and sober. I went to rehab. This failed for me the first 2 times I went, but the third time I attended treatment I stayed clean and sober.

Obviously, the number of times a person goes to rehab has little to do with success. I know people who have gone to rehab once and they “got it” right away. Others have been to treatment over 20 times and they still cannot string together 30 days clean. There is no magic formula here.

What really matters when it comes to short term interventions (such as a trip to a residential rehab) is whether or not the person is ready to quit. The level of willingness is critical. Of course, it is not so much a positive enthusiasm that will keep them sober, but rather a negative thing: it is the desperation that is required. Without being desperate for help, short term rehab is not likely to produce good results.

Formal interventions are a mixed bag, but they are mostly unhelpful, from what I have seen (and experienced). They are a long shot. If you are desperate, it might be worth the effort to gather up all the friends and family and try to confront the addict in a loving way, but probably not. At best, it will communicate to the person how much everyone cares. But they are generally not effective. Even if the person agrees to get help, or agrees to take action, the outcome of that will be negative unless they are truly desperate for change. My opinion is that it is just as effective in most cases to let natural interventions occur, rather than to stage a formal one. In other words, let them end up in jail a few times. If you get into a fight with them, then perhaps this was meant to be. It is part of the chaos that might get them to a point of surrender. Let interventions occur naturally. There is no need to force them, in my opinion.

It is a rough road to get to the point of desperation. Of course it is not going to be all paved with sunshine and smiles. If it was, then the person would never stop drinking/using. The idea of an intervention is that we can somehow take a shortcut and convince the person to get off this road to desperation. If they are already extremely miserable then it might work. But the majority of the time it is not worth the energy. Just my 2 cents of course, but this is based on a bit of experience.

In my experience, the best form of short term addiction help is rehab. That means getting the addict to go check into a place that has detox and a residential unit. In my opinion, it does not matter much how long they stay or where they go. Those variables do not seem to affect the outcome much. Staying in rehab for 10 days seems to do about the same as staying for 30 days. Again, just my opinion based on my observations. I am sure there is data out there to back this, but I have already seen studies that show long term treatment being only slightly more successful than short term stays. My point here though is that the details are not so important. Just getting to rehab and drying out is a necessary baseline for success. After that, it is all up to the individual anyway and their level of conviction and action.

I am always talking about taking massive action. This is the key to short term help. This is the key to any form of intervention when it comes to addiction. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. If things change a little, then nothing changes. And even if the addict makes modest changes, then really…..nothing changes. The only way to success in overcoming addiction is in making massive changes. Going to rehab is an excellent way to get started on these massive changes. New environment, new people, drying out from the chemicals, etc. It is the ultimate shortcut to recovery. It is the quickest way to take massive action.

But of course, this is only half the battle. Thousands of addicts go to rehab, only to relapse shortly after leaving treatment. I personally went to rehab twice and relapsed right after leaving both of them, so I know how this goes. But I also went to rehab once and managed to stay clean and sober for the last 8 years now. So I know how that goes too.

Long term sobriety and overcoming addiction for the long haul

I mentioned that it is all about massive action in early recovery. This is the foundation for a life in recovery. For some people, this will mean going to lots and lots of 12 step meetings, probably every single day, for a long time. For other people, this might mean using group therapy or counseling on a regular basis, and maybe even living in a long term treatment center. The exact strategy is not nearly as important as we think it is….what really matters is the action itself, and the consistency in taking positive action every day. Recovery is about living.

Why do so many addicts and alcoholics relapse shortly after leaving treatment? What is the secret to long term sobriety? What is the best path in which to achieve this goal?

For me, I can look back at my failed attempts at sobriety and realize that I was not, at the time, willing to change everything. Seriously, even though it is a tired cliche, you really do have to change everything. Massive change. If you go into recovery with the attitude that you might try and change most things, you are doomed to fail. That is why they call it surrender. You have to completely abandon everything that you think you know about living in order to learn a new way of life that will sustain sobriety.

Things finally clicked for me when I surrendered completely and totally. I was willing to do anything to stay sober and I knew that this meant living in treatment for a long time. For other people, this solution might be very different. I just knew that I needed that level of support and structure to have any chance at staying sober.

While I was living in long term treatment, I noticed a peculiar thing: most of my peers living with me there did not stay sober. In fact, I would say that nearly all of them relapsed, certainly over 75 percent of them (I lived with about 30 different guys over a 20 month period). Was long term treatment not the ultimate solution?

It turns out that it is most definitely not a magic bullet for recovery. It certainly worked for me, and I have seen it work for others, but it still fails for the majority of people who try it.

Getting the results you want

What, then, is the secret to long term recovery?

The best answer I have developed for this question is that the secret to long term recovery is holistic growth. “Holistic” just means that we are treating the addict as a “whole person,” and so we would encourage them to grow in different areas of their life. For example, my recovery has benefited greatly from:

1) Spiritual growth – in exploring a deeper connection with a higher power in many different ways over the past 8 years.

2) Physical health – in learning to exercise on a regular basis, eating healthier foods, quitting smoking, etc.

3) Emotional balance – in eliminating chaos from my life, and learning the value of a steady emotional level, and learning to appreciate it.

4) Mental growth – in both formal education, as well as exploring new ideas for recovery.

5) Relationships – eliminating and limiting toxic relationships, focusing energy on more meaningful relationships.

And so on. Long term recovery is the push for personal growth. Seek out holistic growth by exploring new avenues of your life in which you can improve yourself. Doing this consistently leads to a positive feedback cycle and greater and greater experiences.  This is a long term strategy, however.  If you try to incorporate all of this holistic growth stuff at 2 weeks sober, you are moving too fast (in my opinion).  In early recovery, you need focus and massive action.  In long term recovery, you need balance and personal growth.

You might also think about the dynamic between self acceptance versus this push for personal growth. When do we stop being lazy and start challenging ourselves to make more changes? And when do we accept ourselves fully and give ourselves a pat on the back? Perhaps there is no perfect answer for this, but in the interest of defending against relapse, we do well to error on the side of pushing for more growth as we continue to reap new benefits in recovery.

Can this hope of a new life inspire a struggling addict to change? Not in my experience. It did not inspire me and I have never seen it truly motivate others. The secret to surrender is desperation, not inspiration.

* Decision and initial action

* Transition and allowing time to find purpose

* Achieving balance in the real world

* Reducing dependency on external support

* Continuous growth and learning

Decision and initial action

I have already written before about living sober but I wanted to revisit the idea and add any new insights that I have come across. Of course I am constantly watching the process of sobriety unfold all around me, both in myself and in others, and I am always looking to learn from these observations.

The newcomer in recovery who just got sober yesterday is overwhelmed with the prospect of living a sober life and being happy without drugs and alcohol. This is a monumental task for the newly recovering alcoholic and so it is traditionally proposed as a “day at a time” process for them. I have no problem with this idea and I think that simplicity is needed at this stage. Trying to incorporate holistic growth at this point is a distraction. What is needed instead that I continuously harp on is massive action.

The newcomer in recovery must make a decision and follow it up with massive action. This is the start of any successful recovery, and anyone who does not incorporate both of these elements is destined to relapse quickly.

If you want to enjoy a full life in sobriety then you have to pay your dues just like any other alcoholic. This means putting in the necessary action early on it in order to build a foundation in early recovery. If you relapse at 30 days sober, or 2 weeks sober, or at 9 months sober, then you did not take enough action. You have to put in enough effort in order to maintain sobriety. It is hard work, and most will underestimate the task at first. That is why most addicts have to try multiple times before they “get” recovery. Go overboard with initial action in early recovery and you will get good results.

Photo by fast eddie 42

Transition and allowing time to find purpose

It would be nice if we could just stop drinking on Tuesday and then have a rich, full, and meaningful life before the weekend. It does not work that way. It did not happen that fast for me, and I seriously doubt that it can happen that fast for others.

What becomes necessary in early recovery is the idea of transition. We hear the promises of sobriety and we know that if we keep pushing ourselves to grow then we can achieve these things in our lives. This will be true whether we work a 12 step program, or whether we follow a more holistic approach to recovery. Either way we have to go through a transitional period where we have to learn how to live in recovery.

This is a learning period and so it will naturally involve some struggle for people. I can remember being particularly frustrated after being a few months sober, and wondering if things would get better, or if I might return to drinking eventually. I stuck it out, though, and eventually found my path to long term sobriety.

The key is that I stuck it out. Anyone can reach this crossroads in their recovery and feel despair….the key is that we need to stick it out. We can do that in a number of different ways, using a variety of different coping mechanisms and support systems. I have friends in recovery, supportive family, and a holistic approach to recovery (for example, exercise is a huge outlet for me). Other people might have different strategies for recovery. Whatever works for you is great. But I think we all go through some struggle in early recovery, and we simply have to stick it out through this tough time.  It is difficult.  Deal with it as best you can.

I would urge people to seek support during the tough times but your individual support mechanisms might vary. Do what works for you. If you don’t know what that is, then it is your responsibility to find that out. There is no excuse for relapse. Don’t allow yourself the luxury of an easy excuse. Force yourself to find solutions that can keep you sober through the tough times.

“Early recovery” can drag on for years. It does not necessarily have to though. For me, I was pretty slow to adopt a mindset of personal, holistic growth, simply because traditional recovery seemed to discourage this. The emphasis was always on spiritual growth and staying somewhat fixed in our usual social roles. We were supposed to have resentments, etc. These would be a huge stumbling block for us, etc. So I sort of got stuck in the mindset that I needed to fit into this traditional recovery role for the first few years.

But I also had to allow myself time to transition, and time to find my real purpose in life. And I think this might be true for everyone.

It is fine to take direction in early recovery. Your life probably depends on it, in fact. But eventually, you have to find your own path. You discover your own path to recovery and you make it your own. If you have not yet done this, then my thought is that you are probably still “in transition.” Transition to what? To living your best life in recovery.

Achieving balance in the real world

Early recovery demands focus and massive action. I personally lived in long term rehab for the first 20 months of my recovery. This led to genuine focus on both recovery related strategies, as well as on personal growth and holistic strategies (such as education and exercise).

I immersed myself in recovery during the first few months. This is fine for a while, and even encouraged. But eventually you need to seek balance. Recovery is about living life. If all you did was attend nonstop 12 step meetings, then this would not be much of a life. And that is where balance comes in.

Photo by James Jordan

If you seek personal and holistic growth, balance becomes sort of a non issue, and takes care of itself. For example, if you genuinely care about yourself and raise your self esteem in recovery, then this will help to dictate many of your actions throughout the day. You will eat healthy meals, naturally be drawn to exercise frequently, and get good rest. Balance is achieved not through careful planning, but simply through caring for your self as best you can. This will naturally extend beyond the physical as well to include your emotional balance, your spiritual life, and your relationships with others too.

Over time, the massive action and the extreme focus you had in early recovery will be replaced by a more balanced, holistic approach. This is not to be seen as a bad thing (as it sometimes is in traditional recovery circles) but instead as a testament to your personal growth.

Reducing dependency on external support

In early recovery, external support is clearly an asset. It helps the newcomer to stay sober during a rough period.

In long term sobriety, dependency on external support becomes a liability. If you have to get to a meeting every single day in order to stay sober, then what kind of recovery is that? If you study the structure and habits of old time AA, you will see that they did not over-do their meeting attendance like it is so frequently pushed these days. They advocated for a real internal change through doing the footwork, then working with other alcoholics. Compared to the over-emphasis on constant meeting attendance and parroted AA-speak that passes for AA today, this is pretty darn good advice. In other words, get into action, fast. Help others and start actually living this way of life, instead of just yammering on about it all day at countless meetings. Recovery is not about recovery….it’s about living life.

Anyone who is experiencing holistic growth in recovery will naturally reduce their dependence on external support. This will happen automatically as they achieve more balance in their life, and start to do more actual living and experiencing of things. Early recovery is laser focused, while long term recovery is about living life. If you have a few years sober, and are still dependent on daily meetings in order to maintain good peace of mind, then what is the problem? Find what works for you outside of meetings and make this into reality. Maybe this is meditation, or maybe it is helping other alcoholics, or maybe it is exercise, and so on. But if you can’t make it through a couple days without going to an AA meeting and dumping all your problems, then you are doing something wrong.

This is not to say that you should not go to meetings in long term recovery….only that you should not depend on meetings in long term recovery. If you are dependent then you have more footwork to do. Start working the program, or start pursuing holistic growth in your life. Find a path and grow along it.

Photo by Christopher_S_Harrison

Continuous growth and learning

One of the greatest hurdles in long term sobriety is complacency. This can even be a problem for those who have just a year or two of sobriety. If you get comfortable, the risk of relapse runs a bit higher. If you are not pushing yourself to learn and to grow in recovery, then you are treading on thin ice.

This is why I constantly push for holistic growth. That way you have several options to keep yourself engaged with. You can grow socially, emotionally, spiritually. You can work on your fitness. Exercise more. Improve your diet and nutrition. All in the name of personal growth and increasing your self esteem.

If you build up genuine self esteem, it becomes very difficult to relapse. Success breeds success in recovery. Push yourself to grow in many different areas of your life. Challenge yourself to do more. Challenge yourself to help more people. The rewards from this cycle of growth and of reaching out to others are tremendous. It is what living sober is all about.

It turned out that I did start using caffeine again for a couple of weeks, and was quickly racing back up to my previous level of consumption.  I could get by with 2 caffeinated beverages in a day but I really preferred more (to be honest about it).  If I had “just enough” then I was not really satisfied with my energy level, and had a yearning for more caffeine.  Thus I was telling myself that 2 to 3 beverages each day was reasonable, but I only felt like I was properly zipping along when I had more like 4 to 5 beverages.

This went on for less than a month and then suddenly, I stopped using caffeine again altogether.  The reason I did this was because I did some more research about my high blood pressure and decided that I needed to make more dietary changes.  One of those changes was to eliminate caffeine.

So I quit using caffeine again and I went to see my doctor the other day regarding my high blood pressure.  She advised me to stay away from the caffeine for a while until we figure out what is going on with my high blood pressure.  She is trying to decide if I need medication to help control the blood pressure, so she advised me to stay off the caffeine for now, just to eliminate variables.

So for the moment I am back off the caffeine again.  It really is not a huge deal though.  Here are some things that I have learned and noticed from all this:

1) I feel my absolute best when I am revved up on a ton of caffeine, and can be the most productive at that time.  But doing this results in a bit of a crash later in the day, which really cannot be mitigated indefinitely with more caffeine.  At some point you have to stop.

2) Without caffeine, I have really good energy levels in the morning by eating raw fruit.  Not canned or dried, but just raw fruit.  This is the ultimate breakfast for me.  I usually eat two pieces, one for breakfast and another for a mid morning snack.  I am hungry for lunch and I have decent energy through the afternoon too.  My only regret is I never get to experience that “hyper productivity” that I can achieve after a strong dose of caffeine in the morning.

3) Caffeine is fairly easy to pick up and put back down. Even with a physical withdrawal and some annoying headaches, it is remarkably easy to quit.  Even if you think  you are hopelessly addicted to it, you can easily get off of it very quickly.

Anyone who is dependent on caffeine should consider quitting for a trial run and see how it affects their energy.  If you do this, pay special attention to nutrition, exercise, and sleep.  In particular, I would suggest:

1) Allowing your body the sleep that it needs.

3) Exercising on a regular basis (as part of maintaining good energy levels throughout your day).

For now, I am staying off the caffeine, and I’m pretty darn happy with how I feel being caffeine free.  I hope to improve my diet even more and see if I can get even better energy levels throughout the day.