Sporadic Humour

"Miffed" to "Peeved"

2010-03-11T18:18:03+02:00

Love the one about the Scots!

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,

though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A

Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940

when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from

"Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a

"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish

Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the

Bastards" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have

been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror

alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are

"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire

that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the

country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a

heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to

"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat

Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to

"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher

levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only

threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy

can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on

all of their allies 'just in case'. Aka “Orange” – Same alert level since 2001.

Only difference now is you can’t pack underwear in your carry on.

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA".

Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty

teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime

Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which

is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to

"She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I

think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is

cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final

escalation level.

______________________________________________________________________________

One sheet of paper

2010-03-11T14:36:27+02:00

A rare post is followed by a total departure from what htw was supposed to be about, but I loved this and hope it comes out properly when you get it - you're supposed to be seeing a series of pictures of art made from paper.

Dave

Entries for an art contest at the Hirshorn Modern Art Gallery in DC

The rule was that the artist could use only one sheet of paper.

British Humour

2010-03-04T06:38:47+02:00

The the Queen and the British press do have a sense of humour after all...

The Queen decided to honour JZ and decided to give him "The Order of the Bath" - apparently she would have given him the "Order of the Shower" but that doesn't exist yet...

Then the headlines in one British paper reads "Pomp continues for Zuma" (as in Pomp and Ceremony) - I am sure the significance of the word "Pomp" in a South African context did not escape them

Are You Sure You Haven't Had A Drink Or Two?

2010-02-22T14:34:02+02:00

When you see your car looking like this, call a taxi .

Budget Speech Terminology...

2010-02-19T20:24:13+02:00

Sad day when one's president becomes an object of ridicule to this degree.

kids

2010-02-18T15:55:42+02:00

You spend the first two years of their life

teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend

the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

Grandchildren are God's reward

for not killing your own children.

Mothers of teens now know why

some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you.

In fact, they usually repeat word for word

what you shouldn't have said

The main purpose of holding children's parties

is to remind yourself that there are children

more awful than your own

We childproofed our homes,

but they are still getting in.

Be nice to your kids.

They will choose your

nursing home one day

Really, really... really bad jokes.

2010-02-17T14:19:55+02:00

Brent,

I'll forward these, but only because I owe you! ;)

Begin forwarded message:

Retaliation Headbangers

  The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits.

  The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame".

*********************************************

Pat: Hey, Chris! How's your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.

Chris: To tell you the truth, I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird.

Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I can't believe it!

Chris: Well, yeah. After all, he's a parrot fish.

Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, you're never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.

Chris: That's what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. It's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

*******************************************

  A noted biologist, who had been studying little green frogs in a swamp, was stumped. The frog population, despite efforts at predator control, was declining at an alarming rate. A chemist at a nearby college came up with a solution: The frogs, due to a chemical change in the swamp water, simply couldn’t stay coupled long enough to reproduce successfully. The chemist then brewed up a new adhesive to assist the frogs’ togetherness, which included one part sodium.

  It seems the little green frogs needed some monosodium glue to mate.

******************************************

  The maharajah of an Indian Province issued a royal decree. He ordered that no one was to kill any wild animals while he was the country’s leader. The decree was honored until there were so many Bengal Tigers running loose that the people revolted and threw the maharajah from power.

  This is the first known instance of the reign being called on account of the game.

******************************************

  There was one a dromedary whose fur was an amazingly close match in colour to the desert sand, and he was almost impossible to see. Some called him 'the invisible dromedary', but in reality he wasn't invisible.

  He was just really well camel-flaged.

*********************************************

My Father was a brick layer before he was sent to prison; to this day he still isn’t a free mason.

********************************************

My friend Max hates going up steep hills. He's always been a bit of an anti-climb Max.

*********************************************

Ever since my friend had all the digits amputated from his feet, he can't drink milk.

He's lack-toes intolerant.

*********************************

Politically correct Eskom

2010-02-17T14:16:49+02:00

Eskom would like to remind its customers that it is no longer

politically correct to refer to power failures as "black outs".

Reference must now be made to "previously lit" areas.

To pun or not to pun...

2010-02-03T09:04:37+02:00

Some of these may rate as head-bangers, but thanks to Brent for the grin.

1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a bottle of mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement= 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram

6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year

8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon

10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower

12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line

13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone

15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycles

16. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle

17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds

18. 10 cards = 1 decacard

19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard

20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 fig Newton

21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen

22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

24. 10 rations = 1 decaration

25. 100 rations = 1 C-ration

26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram

27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms

28. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League

Intellectual street sign?

2010-01-31T20:34:26+02:00

slow day on the humour front...?