Sport Fiction

Taking

Aaron Pease — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 15:51:17 +0000

INT. A LIVING ROOM – DAY

The room is prepped for football. GARY, the host of the party, wears a Colts jersey. JOHN wears a Pats jersey. The doorbell rings. Gary runs to the door and opens it. BILL jumps in, also wearing a Colts jersey. He is also sporting a huge boner.

BILL
Yo, ready for the big game! Bring it in for a hug man, bring it in hard.

He goes to give Gary a hug and Gary ducks away.

BILL
What, no love? Oh, right. My boner. Man it is huge, isn’t it?

JOHN
Why’d you bring it here?

Bill plops down on the couch, leaning back, totally comfortable.

BILL
Man, I popped a Viagra at 10 AM! I already screwed my wife frickin’ twice! She kicked me out, she was so satisfied. So I decided to come over here and hang with the fellas. Well, except this guy.

(laughs at his own joke while Gary and John wince)

Whew! I love this boner!!!

Gary and John can’t hide their looks of terror. FREEZE

PEYTON MANNING and TOM BRADY, wearing their respective jersies, enter the frame, only seen from the waist up.

PEYTON MANNING
If it seems like everyone else in the world but you has erectile dysfunction…

TOM BRADY
You are not alone.

PEYTON MANNING
During this game alone, you will watch 400 commercials for Viagrra, Cialis, Levitan, Dr. Porkenheimer’s Franken Juice, whatever.

TOM BRADY
Because of this media saturation, some people will think it’s okay to show up to watch a game with a boner.

PEYTON MANNING
And that’s unacceptable. So we’ve drawn up a few plays to help you deal with the situation.

TOM BRADY
The first play, I like to call the Counter Slap. If there’s a good play in football, sometimes you slap your bud on the ass.

PEYTON MANNING
I know I do! But on this play…

TOM BRADY
Slap him in the boner.

CUT TO: The same living room comes to life. Gary and Bill jump up to celebrate a play. They slap hands and then Gary swats Bill in the boner. Bill bends over in pain. FREEZE

PEYTON MANNING
A good Counter Slap will cause social discomfort.

TOM BRADY
And hopefully intense physical pain.

PEYTON MANNING
The next play is one of my favorites. I call it the Coverage Sack. But it takes guts.

TOM BRADY
And supreme confidence in your sexuality.

The living room. The doorbell rings and Gary answers it. Bill jumps in with a huge boner. Gary jumps into Bill’s arms.

GARY
Hey sailor, wanna get a room?

Bill pulls away and practically runs out the door. FREEZE

TOM BRADY
It helps if you bang a supermodel right afterwards, just to be safe. I know I do!

PEYTON MANNING
Our last play was some good offense, while the next one is some good D.

TOM BRADY
I’ts called Pin Him In His Own Territory.

PEYTON MANNING
All you need is an extensive collection of both paper-based and Internet porn.

TOM BRADY
And a room with broadband connection!

CUT TO: Gary and John and Bill watch the game, Bill with a huge boner still. Gary and Bill exchange looks. They spring into action, grabbing Bill by each arm and dragging him into a room. They slam it, lock the door, and high five.

GARY
Bill, you okay?

JOHN
Yeah, sorry we had to do that.

BILL
(muffled)
It’s…It’s porn heaven! FREEZE

TOM BRADY
That’ll keep him occupied.

PEYTON MANNING
(Whispering)
So Tom, you ever done Viagra before?

TOM BRADY
And that’s not all. There’s literally thousands of plays, the End Around, Harassing the Pocket, Behind the…

PEYTON MANNING
(hissing and nudging)
Hey, Tom, you ever do it? Ever do Viagra?

TOM BRADY
Line of Scrimmage…

PEYTON MANNING
Vi-ag-ra.

TOM BRADY
No, no I never did Viagra.

Tom looks down. The Camera Cuts Away. Peyton has a huge Boner.

TOM BRADY
But I guess you did.

PEYTON MANNING
It’s so awesome.

Tom Brady rolls his eyes.

PEYTON MANNING
Come on, you know you want it.

TOM BRADY
I’m done here.

He walks off. Peyton Manning follows after.

PEYTON MANNING
Tom, Tom, wait up!

Williams

Chris Manley — Wed, 30 May 2007 19:52:50 +0000

Tuesday, November 8, 2033

Williams Beta to argue records case

by Reade Seligmann
Associated Press Writer

NEW YORK (AP) – Commissioner of Baseball George W. Bush will today hear arguments on both sides of the continuing battle over the achievements of Yankee’s infielder Ted Williams Beta. Bush is not expected to make a decision until late next week.

Lawyers for Williams Beta are expected to argue that the slugger’s accomplishments – in particular this season’s on-base-percentage of .612 – should be added to the official MLB records for the original Ted Williams, now known as Ted Williams Alpha. Williams Alpha once held the major league record for career OBP at .481, but was surpassed by Barry Bonds during the 2008 season. The addition of Williams Beta’s percentages from this and last season would regain the record for the collective Ted Williams.

Clone rights advocates fear that the Williams case will re-open a wound well on its way to closing: whether clones are themselves unique individuals or extensions of their former selves.

“We’ve come too far,” said Darrin Miles Beta, reproduced from late Scottish meat magnate Darrin Miles Alpha. “We felt we were only a few years away from finally beating this silly Beta label, and now this. If Williams wins, he’ll set back clone rights five, maybe ten years.”

Miles and others worry that while they have gained a superficial level of acceptance in the US, most Americans are waiting for a reason to reject them. The oldest clones are only 25, and have not yet had a chance to establish themselves in communities. Williams Beta, at 24, is in one of the few professions in which someone so young can gain such national recognition. Many fear that a ruling in his favor all but damns the case of clone rights, especially considering the US Supreme Court’s increasing reliance on the precendents of professional sports decisions.

“It’s like the Brett Favre thing back in, what was that, 2010?,” Miles Beta points out. “Once the NFL said you had to count five Mississippi before rushing him, suddenly the Court agrees that, yeah, some people are important enough to require special treatment. Sports dictate the direction of this country. I just don’t want to see everything we believe in change because of some silly records.”

But not everyone takes Miles’ devil-may-care attitude towards the stat books. Reached for comment in his suburban Los Angeles home, former San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds – who currently holds the single season On-base-percentage record of .609 in 2004 – said he didn’t believe Williams Beta’s case had any merit at all. “What the [expletive] is everybody so puzzled about?” Bonds asked. “This guy, he’s not even a real person. He was made in a little bitty tube. That’s not sports, science people. That’s [expletive] is what that is.” Bonds has held this position since the announcement of Henry Aaron Beta in 2017. It is widely rumored, though never substantiated, that Bonds tried to clone himself, but that the boy produced was the scrawny, wiry teenager Bonds now calls his youngest son.

This is not the first time the name Ted Williams has been associated with controversy. Williams Alpha, a Boston Red Sox great in the 1940s and 50s, died of heart failure in 2005. His head, body, and some DNA samples were suspended in liquid nitrogen with the hope that medical advances would one day allow him to be thawed and re-animated. The procedure was at the time considered ghastly and absurd, and Williams Alpha’s children fought bitterly – and publicly – over the fate of the body. But while it and its brainy counterpart still sit frozen, some DNA samples were used in 2009 as the first high-profile use of the then emergent technology of human cloning. In fact, it was the cloning of the Williams DNA that spurred US lawmakers to finally deal with what was on the brink of becoming a shadowy black market industry.

It seems the only person not speaking publicly about the case is Williams Beta himself. Despite the debate between the conservative right – claiming that clones are nothing more than soulless copies of real people – and the progressive left – who believe that clones are unique and fully human – Williams Beta has refused all requests for interviews. Perhaps he desires only to rise above the squabbles of a nation divided and to stick to the real business of America, which is sports.
–>

Coach

Aaron Pease — Wed, 21 Mar 2007 19:28:57 +0000

From ProFootballTalk.com/rumormill.htm: KRUMRIE BEATS UP BRANCH

Word trickling out of the Michigan Pro Day is that Chiefs defensive line coach Tim Krumrie roughed up defensive tackle Alan Branch in one of Krumrie’s one-on-one slap fights.
Per a league source, Branch looked winded before he even got to the patented Krumrie spanking machine. At one point during his session with Krumrie, Branch appeared to be ready to quit.

Gil Brandt of NFL.com corroborates this in his Pro Day updates: “Tim Krumrie worked Branch hard during the position drills, and the scouts there said Branch did not look like he was in very good shape.”

Krumrie, better known to most fans as the guy who got Theismanned during Super Bowl XXIII, is a legend in league circles for the no-pads hand-fighting test, to which he subjects many of the linemen he is scouting.

“It’s Gladiator stuff,” said one league source.

For Branch, who is projected by many as a top-ten pick, the end result apparently was thumbs down.

Rumors may be trickling at the Rumor Mill, but here at Sportfiction there’s a virtual torrent of speculation at what actually happened. One extremely well placed source described the incident for us in intricate, immediate detail. His account follows.

Coach Tim Krumrie and top defensive tackle prospect Alan Branch stand alone in a gymnasium.

Coach Tim Krumrie: Slap me, big fella!
Alan Branch: Huh?
Coach Tim Krumrie: I said slap me!
Alan Branch: Why?
Coach Tim Krumrie: You want to get drafted, slap me!!
Alan Branch: Okay.
(more…)

A

Aaron Pease — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 17:15:16 +0000

(Begin transcript. For a proper understanding of the goings-on, imagine David Beckham talking like an “English” person.)

David Beckham: You there, the George Wendt-looking fellow.

Peter King: David, David, Peter King of SI here. As you know, I’ve covered the NFL beat for Sports Illustrated for quite some time, and am featured on HBO’s Inside the NFL. I have a regular column on SI.com called Mundane Morning Quarterback in which I assiduously detail my airport and coffee experiences and my daughters’ softball games. From what I am given to understand, it looks like I’m in denial that my daughter Mary Beth is a lesbian, a fate she in fact could never avoid because of a distressingly close resemblance to me.

David Beckham: And what’s your question?

Peter King: Oh. Right. Well, do you think you will be playing kicker, and for what team?
(more…)

Results

Mike Ingram — Fri, 16 Mar 2007 04:51:35 +0000

Dear Coach Tyrone,

Usually I don’t go in for letters. The whole idea of writing down my thoughts and feelings and then licking a stamp and waiting by the mailbox for a reply? I’ll be honest, it feels a tad womanish. But when I tried to get your attention at last week’s Mid-Season Awards Banquet and Fish Fry you pretty much had your hands full with that suck-ass Bud Gindry, who I can’t even be in the vicinity of without wanting to sock him right in the eye.

Unlike Bud Gindry, I’m not a man in favor of useless yammering. What I am in favor of, Coach T, is Results. Results like winning ballgames by double-digit margins and going deep into the playoffs and causing opposing ballcoaches to think about whether they should just fire up the team bus at halftime instead of sticking around for two more quarters of painful helmet-to-helmet tackles and pancake blocks and post-touchdown celebratory taunting.
(more…)

DRAFT

Mike Ingram — Sat, 10 Mar 2007 02:38:09 +0000

Name: Barry M. Hanson
Age: 21
Education: Eastern Middle Appalachian State Technical College
Height: 5’7”
Weight: 164 lbs.
Hands: 8 1/2”
IQ: 118
Words Per Minute: 80
Filing Challenge (100 documents): 20 min.
40-yard Sack Race: 8.26 sec.
Bend n’ Sniff (per minute): 28

Analysis: Scouts have questioned Hanson’s natural abilities and instincts for the game, as evidenced by a barely above-average I.Q. and a mediocre showing in the Filing Challenge (a scout for Citigroup noted Hanson’s problematic need to repeat, under his breath, the “alphabet song,” particularly for files in the R to W range). But a good showing in the typing test really increased his stock, and that impressive Bend n’ Sniff marks him as an employee sure to be a boss’s favorite.

Draft Projection: Early 2nd round — “Yes man” to corporate C.E.O.; personal assistant to Nicole Ritchie.
(more…)

What

TMC — Fri, 09 Mar 2007 14:48:35 +0000

I saw my Dad for the first time in four years today. I stood in the supermarket in front of the frozen meats and he was at the end of the snack aisle, penned in behind a fleshy, red-faced woman and her cart full of sugar water and canned death. I waved to him, but he looked straight through me, as if he were trying to read the expiration date on the pork chops behind me. I rushed toward him to give him a hug and tell him I’m sorry I never hugged him enough before, and he’d better come back right away and see my new house with the dogs, and the little cave where I do my work, and the quarter-sized hole in the middle of the living room floor, and the big TV in the big living room where we can watch football together.

And if he didn’t come I would be so mad; last time he disappeared on us I wasn’t ready for it and I’m still not ready for it, no matter how many times I act like it doesn’t bother me. You promised us you were done scaring us, I said, and still he stared past me. You promised you would come home.
(more…)

Sports

Lee Klein — Tue, 06 Feb 2007 01:06:03 +0000

ALIEN ASCHBERGER: WELCOME TO “SPORTS ARE VERY IMPORTANT!” A SPORTS COMMENTARY SHOW ABOUT THE CONTINUING IMPORTANCE OF HOW IMPORTANT SPORTS ARE!

CORNELL CORNLICKER: THAT’S RIGHT! SPORTS ARE VERY IMPORTANT. NOW MORE THAN EVER THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT.

AA: SO, CORNELL, I ASK YOU . . . NOW THAT THE SUPER BOWL IS OVER, ARE SPORTS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THEY WERE WHEN THEY WERE ONLY VERY IMPORTANT A FEW DAYS AGO?

CC: ONE WORD, BABY: PITCHERS AND CATCHERS. PITCHERS AND CATCHERS, BABY!

AA: THAT’S TWO WORDS, YOU DUMB IDIOT!!!

CC: SUCK YOURSELF, ALIEN!

AA: KNOW WHO CAN SUCK HIMSELF NOW? PEYTON MANNING!

CC: AND THAT COACH, TOO, HE CAN SUCK HIMSELF, AS WELL. AN ALL-NIGHT-LONG SUCK HE CAN DO IT NOW HE IS SO IMPORTANT.

AA: THE IMPORTANCE OF SPORTS MAKES SUCH SUCKING POSSIBLE NOW MORE THAN IT EVER HAD BEEN POSSIBLE BEFORE WHEN SPORTS WERE ONLY RATHER IMPORTANT!

CC: SPORTS ARE VERY MUCH MORE IMPORTANT NOW!

AA: THE SUPER BOWL THIS YEAR WAS MORE IMPORTANT THAN VETERAN’S DAY, IN FACT.

CC: BUT WITHOUT VETERAN’S DAY WE WOULD HAVE NO SPORTS TO TALK ABOUT BECAUSE SPORTSMEN WOULD BE KILLED DEFENDING OUR RIGHTS TO PLAY SPORTS WITHOUT BEING KILLED.

AA: A VERY IMPORTANT POINT!

CC: WHEN I WAS YOUNG, I LEARNED IMPORTANT LESSONS PLAYING SPORTS. VERY IMPORTANT LESSIONS WITHOUT WHICH I WOULDN’T HAVE LEARNED THESE LESSONS PLAYING SPORTS BUT DOING SOMETHING ELSE THAT WAS NOT AS IMPORTANT.

AA: WHEN MY SON WATCHES US YELL HE LEARNS IMPORTANT LESSONS NOW MORE THAN WE EVER DID LEARN PLAYING SPORTS. ALL WE HAD WAS “THIS WEEK IN BASEBALL”.

CC: BUT IF WE DIDN’T YELL HOW WOULD PEOPLE KNOW THAT SPORTS ARE NOW VERY IMPORTANT?

AA: THEY WOULD THINK SPORTS WERE A SECRET!

CC: BUT SPORTS ARE THE OPPOSITE OF A SECRET!

AA: THEY ARE SUPPORTED BY ADVERTISERS WHO FEED OUR OBSESSION WITH ANIMALS AND HUMOR AND CELEBRITIES!

AA: A CAVEMAN ACCIDENTALLY ELECTROCUTED BY A CELEBRITY TO HELP SELL CAR INSURANCE TO SPORTS FANS SHOULD NOT BE A SECRET BECAUSE IT IS A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON, BUT NOT AS IMPORTANT AS SPORTS ARE. AT LEAST NOT NOW THAT SPORTS ARE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN SPORTS EVER WERE IMPORTANT.

CC: WITHOUT SPORTS, YOU WOULD NOT BE SITTING THERE DRESSED AS A SPANISH INQUISTOR BUT WOULD BE DRESSED AS A MAN OF IMPORTANCE STOPPING KIDS FROM KILLING EACH OTHER OVER IVERSON JERSEYS AND THE JERSEYS OF OTHER BASKETBALL PLAYERS AS IMPORTANT AS IVERSON AND ATHLETES WHO DON’T EVEN PLAY BASKETBALL!

AA: HA HA HA. BUT BECAUSE OF SPORTS I SIT HERE WEARING THIS WOLFMAN MASK YELLING AT YOU ABOUT HOW SPORTS ARE IMPORTANT UNLESS WE ARE ATTACKED OR BOMBED OR A BIG STORM COMES WHEREUPON WE SAY THAT SPORTS ARE MOMENTARILY UNIMPORTANT.

CC: BUT OTHERWISE SPORTS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN CITIES ENJOYING THE SLOW PROCESS OF BEING DESTROYED BY OUR IMPORTANT FASCINATION WITH SPORTS. FOR EXAMPLE OUR GOVERNOR ON TELEVISION TALKING ABOUT SPORTS WHEN HALF OUR CITY IS DESTROYED!!!

AA: IF IT WEREN’T FOR URBAN DECAY, WE WOULDN’T EVEN HAVE SPORTS BECAUSE THERE WOULD BE NOTHING TO DISTRACT OUR GOVERNOR FROM!

CC: HA HA HA! THAT IS VERY FUNNY! I KNOW WE KEEP SAYING IT OVER AND OVER BUT IF WE STOPPED SAYING IT IN A VERY LOUD VOICE FOR A MOMENT MAYBE WE WOULD FORGET HOW IMPORTANT SPORTS WERE AND MAYBE WE MIGHT START YELLING ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE.

AA: HA HA HA! TOO FUNNY!

CC: HA HA! FUNNY, YES!

AA: HA! HA!

CC: THAT IS VERY FUNNY!

AA: BUT NOW WE MOVE ON TO IMPORTANT SPECULATION ABOUT NEXT YEAR’S SUPER BOWL WINNER! –>

The

TMC — Sat, 03 Feb 2007 06:45:20 +0000

On the soccer field, he was alone, but he was never lonely. Like a monk deep in meditation, a Buddhist perched beneath the Bodhi tree, he crouched between goalposts, an 8 foot by 8 yard sanctuary that no one could violate. Every step an opponent took inside the box, even a toe across the 18, was a threat that had to be warded off by any means necessary.

He’d been described, by various terrible writers, as a whirling dervish, an unstoppable force, a madman in a technicolor dreamcoat. He’d been an inspirational story, a cautionary tale, and a flash-in-the-pan, sometimes all at once. The pain of loss, one writer said, was etched on his face, carved into the premature wrinkles around his grey eyes and evident in the military set of his jaw as he assaulted a sailing corner kick.

Eventually, the terrible writers from the local papers were overtaken by mediocre writers from the national papers. They flocked to Northeast Philly to pimp his pain and fill the void of human interest stories, left by a lull between runaway brides and dead American girls in Aruba. For a week, he was the human interest story, the kid whose father had stabbed himself in the thigh during a meth binge and bled to death on the couch, and whose mother was dying of AIDS in a prison cell. A great story, a real American tragedy—the confluence of drugs, violence, and sex in a crumbling city. If only he were black; then they could really push it to the next level.
(more…)

The

TMC — Sat, 03 Feb 2007 04:32:39 +0000

July 4th, 2003
Subject: International Governmental Football League
From: Donald Rumsfeld [mightybombjack@whitehouse.gov]
To: George W. Bush [JesusSon@whitehouse.gov]

Mr. President,

The UN has approved our proposal of establishing the International Governmental Football League (IGFL) as an alternate means of settling diplomatic disputes. The rules are as follows:

1. Kofi Annan will act as Commissioner, unless we can persuade David Stern to leave the NBA.
2. All nations must field a team comprised of, and coached by, government employees. Even some rogue factions—Iraq and Al Qaeda, for example—have agreed to join the league.
3. We will play a 10 game season, followed by a 10-team playoff. Teams will not enter the playoffs based on won-loss records, but rather playoff seeding will be determined by a complex computer ranking system that takes into account fifty-eight carefully chosen factors, including: quality of victory, team colors, attractiveness of cheerleaders, strength of schedule, average yards per punt, number of Hail Mary passes completed, number of flea-flickers run, and an international text message poll.
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