REAL SPORTS

Baseball Teams Limit Playoff Tickets to “Real” Fans

2006-09-28T18:29:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Following an article yesterday in the Wall Street Journal commenting on the increasing difficulty of “rank-and-file” baseball fans to secure playoff tickets, teams have responded by defending their policies to protect the “real fans” of baseball.

“We vigorously defend this policy”, says Dave Howard, executive vice president of business operations for the New York Yankees. “By limiting playoff tickets to season-ticket holders, we ensure that our real fans have access to the most important games.” When asked what fans who couldn’t afford season tickets should do, Howard did not offer much sympathy. “Listen”, says Howard, “if you’re not willing to shell out thousands of dollars for season tickets, then you’re clearly not a real fan. In fact, if you’re only paying a couple thousand for tickets, you’re one pretty cheap bastard, and you only deserve to get playoff tickets to one game, in the bleeding-nose section. Come to mention it, that’s our new policy, and I say those cheap-ass fans are pretty lucky for even that. The real, true, diehard fans are the ones who are paying at least $10,000 for tickets.”

James Dawson, a New York-based investment banker who is paying $75,000 for a pair of season tickets behind home plate, agrees with the Yankees’ policy of limiting playoff tickets. Says Dawson, “The true Yankees fans are those investment bankers and corporate lawyers sitting in the skyboxes and down near the field. I mean, why else would we be paying so much for tickets unless we were true fans?”

Despite Dawson’s “true” love of the Yankees, he admits to not knowing much about the team, or of baseball itself. “I don’t even go to most games,” he says, “I give away the tickets to clients to keep them happy. When I do go, I’m usually on my phone making business deals. Baseball’s such a boring sport anyway. That’s why I was in science club instead of Little League when I was growing up.”

Thanks, George

Champaign, IL Hoops Legend Jeremy Curtiss Skips out on Honeymoon to Get Married

2006-09-22T04:36:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Last weekend was one of the greatest weekends in Jeremy Curtiss’ life. Curtiss, a Champaign, IL hoops legend who was once voted the “best white basketball player” in middle school (article here), got married last weekend to his girlfriend of six years. More importantly, however, Curtiss watched his beloved Chicago Bears maul the hapless Detroit Lions 34-7 last Sunday at a local Buffalo Wild Wings the day after his wedding. Said Curtiss, “Yeah getting married was cool and all, but the Bears game, now THAT was awesome.”

Immediately following the wedding, Curtiss left with his new bride to Mexico for a Honeymoon. Before leaving, Curtiss was found to be in especially high spirits. “This Honeymoon is going to be awesome”, said Curtiss. “Not only do I get to consummate my marriage, but they got an all-you-can-eat buffet there! How awesome is that!” He continued, “Between that sweet buffet and the warm feelings that come over me thinking about how awesome the Bears are, this Honeymoon is going to be perfect.”

The Honeymoon reached a bit of a snag, however, when Curtiss realized that his flight from Mexico would not return in time to catch the next Bears game on Sunday against the Vikings. Distraught, Curtiss tried to end the honeymoon early, but to no avail. “Jeremy Michael Curtiss!” exclaimed his irate wife, “You’re not ruining our honeymoon because of some stupid football game!” Curtiss, not knowing how to respond, simply muttered, “They’re not stupid…”

Torn between having to choose between the love of his life and his new wife, Curtiss found himself in a tough situation. After much thought over the midnight buffet, Curtiss found he had no choice. “Funk this”, said Curtiss. “I’m skipping out early on my Honeymoon so I can watch the Bears.” When pressed about this curious and potentially marriage-threatening decision, Curtiss explained, “Yeah, it’s true that if I leave early my wife might never forgive me. But if I miss the Bears game I’ll never forgive myself. It’s just all a matter of setting priorities, and I think I’ve got my priorities set right.”

Jeremy's Dream

LeBron: Greece doesn’t play “Real Basketball”

2006-09-08T02:50:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

The United States basketball team fell short again in international play, losing last Friday to Greece in the FIBA World Baketball Championship semifinals.

Following the loss, the United States team seemed stunned in disbelief, having just been systematically dismantled (primarily by the simple pick and roll) by a Greek team that was as obscure as it was unpronounceable .

LeBron James, team USA co-captain, refused to believe that his team had just gotten beaten at "real basketball”. "Man, this is a bunch of bullshit”, said an infuriated James. “They don’t play REAL basketball. They actually used all five of their players on offense, instead of just having one player drive into the lane while everyone else stands around. Now THAT’S real basketball."

Panagiotis Yiannakis, coach for the Greek team, admitted to being a little stunned at the victory. "We shot, like what, 66% from the floor? That's what happens when no one plays defense on you.” When asked how his Greek team was able to find so many open shots against the more athletic US side, Yiannakis seemed befuddled at his team'’s success. "I told my guys to keep moving the ball around until someone had an open shot. After about two or three passes, the US defenders seemed confused and frozen at our ball movement. I think they'’re more used to one guy hogging the ball in the NBA.”

Yiannakis also credited a simple gameplan for his team’s effective defense against the NBA superstars. “We knew that they like to drive into the lane 1 on 5, so we just packed the paint with defenders. It didn’t matter that we left players open on the perimeter, they just didn't know how to pass the ball. Even my 5 year old grandson's youth team plays smarter basketball than those ballhogging idiots."

James, meanwhile, didn’t seem too bothered at the US loss. "We were beat by a team with superior shooting, passing, defense, and team play. I don’t know what game they were playing, but it sure as hell wasn't NBA basketball."

Proud to be an American

SportParody Exclusive: Interview With Keith Hernandez

2006-04-24T02:53:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

On Sunday, Mets broadcaster and former first baseman Keith Hernandez drew fire for his comments suggesting women don’t belong in a baseball dugout. Facing mounting criticism, Hernandez sat down with SportParody to set the record straight.

SP: Keith, can you clarify your comments on why women don’t belong in the dugout?

KH: You have to understand I’m looking at this purely from a baseball point of view. One time, Mookie (Wilson) brought a couple strippers into the dugout that he had been partying with the night before. They were a lot of fun, but very distracting. I had a hard time focusing at the plate, with my mind on those hot-ass strippers. Needless to say, we lost the game.

SP: Interesting... I’m sure no one thought about that...

KH: Yeah, that’s what ticks me off so much. People assume I’m some kind of male chauvinist, when really I’m just thinking in terms of baseball. Let’s see how well the Padres do this year with all that Estrogen walking around in their dugout.

SP: Do you regret any other comments you made?

KH: Yeah, I regret when I said “I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout”. That was a mistake... my bad. What I meant to say is that women DO belong in the kitchen, at least when they’re not doing laundry or popping out babies.

SP: I see... what lesson has this whole experience taught you?

KH: I have learned to be a lot more careful about what I do or say around women. Call me old-fashioned, but I still don’t understand why you can’t just slap a woman in the ass and tell her to make some food. Or do the laundry. Or pop out babies. Maybe it’s just me, but this feminazi movement has really gone too far.

SP: Thank you Keith, for clarifying your comments. I’m sure it is now crystal clear what you meant to say.

Keith Hernandez won’t be on the cover of NOW Monthly anytime soon

98% of NFL Players Confused by the XL in Super Bowl XL

2006-01-31T04:18:00.000-06:00

A recent survey conducted by the NFL players union has confirmed what most football fans have known for decades: NFL players just aren’t very smart.

The recent survey asked players to name what the “XL” in “Super Bowl XL” stood for. The results are as follows:
45% “Extra Large”
35% Could not read the survey
10% “Excellent”
8% “XL”
2% “Forty”

While a breakdown of these results was not made public, NFL spokesman Damian Delporte admitted that most of the 2% who responded correctly were special teams players such as kickers and punters. Or, in other words, according to Delporte, “the pansy-ass guys on every team who don’t really play football.”

At least Mike Vanderjagt answered this survey right

Seattle Yawns at Upcoming Super Bowl; Frasier Reruns expected to draw higher ratings

2006-01-30T01:53:00.000-06:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

In the days leading up to Super Bowl XL, it truly has been a tale of two cities. While Pittsburgh has been wrapped up in Steelers hysteria, Seattle “fans” have barely acknowledged that their team is about to play for the championship. While a sendoff pep rally in Pittsburgh drew 30,000, for example, a similar rally in Seattle drew less than 1,000. Reportedly, this crowd would’ve been even smaller if organizers hadn’t enticed people to come with offers of free Starbucks coffee.

The general manager for Seattle ABC affiliate KING admitted to being concerned about ratings next Sunday. “We are going against Frasier reruns on other stations. Let’s just say it’s going to be a tough night for us.”

In football mad Pittsburgh, meanwhile, local newscasts were currently reporting stories on rabid fans offering up vital organs in exchange for Super Bowl tickets. Said one such fan, Matthew Robbins, “I’m going to die if I can’t go to the Super Bowl anyway, so giving up my kidney or lung for these tickets is no big deal.”

These two things will be more important than the Super Bowl in Seattle this week

Tigers Purchase Ancient Artifacts From Museum

2005-12-16T00:32:00.000-06:00

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

In a stunning effort to turn around two decades of misfortune on the ball field, the Detroit Tigers have looked to the past to help their future. "We have tried to bring young guys up from our farm system and develop them into major league talent, but it hasn't worked," said Tigers G.M. Dave Dombrowski. "We also tried bringing in veteran free agents like Pudge Rodriguez and Rondell White, but again, that didn't work either," added Dombrowski.

With prior efforts having failed, Dombrowski and the rest of the Tigers' front office have approached this offseason with a radical new approach. Dombrowki explains, "They had a traveling exhibit at the Detroit Museum of Natural History of baseball players from the past." Dombrowski explained further, "Two of the ancient exhibits we decided to purchase were pitchers Kenny Rogers and Todd Jones. We would have liked to purchase Babe Ruth, but his family seemed a little pissed when we asked about digging him up, so we didnt."

With their offseason transactions complete, the Tigers are optimistic at what the future may bring. Said Dombrowski cheerfully, "Yeah, we feel like we have everything we need to win for years to come! Or as long as we can keep our new players out of the nursing home."

Kenny Rogers has not aged well

Epstein to Come out of Retirement, Return to Red Sox

2005-12-12T17:02:00.000-06:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

In a surprising development today, the New York Times reported that “Boy Wonder” Theo Epstein was close to returning to his beloved hometown team. Following a three-month retirement from baseball, the move surprised many observers who predicted that Epstein had walked away from the Red Sox for good.

Epstein, however, admitted to making a huge mistake in opting for early retirement at the age of 32. “With all my friends working, I would just sit at home and watch shitty daytime TV,” recalled Epstein. “There’s only so much ‘General Hospital’ that one guy can take.”

Epstein also admitted to not realizing how much he’d miss the perks of being the Red Sox GM. “Every guy in New England wanted to be me, and every woman wanted to be with me. Giving all that up was a pretty dumbass thing to do.”

Fans all over Red Sox nation were thrilled at the news that their “Boy Wonder” GM would be back in charge. Carl Dohrman, one such fan, expressed high hopes for the upcoming season. “Theo is truly the right man for the job. I can’t wait to pay $100 for a ticket next year to support another underachieving team that will collapse spectacularly down the stretch.”

Even Kelly Monaco couldn't keep Theo from watching any more General Hospital

A-Rod Loses MVP Trophy in Underground Poker Game

2005-11-14T22:07:00.000-06:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

NEW YORK – Hours after winning the American League Most Valuable Player award, New York Yankees’ third baseman Alex Rodriguez reportedly lost the award at a high-stakes game in one of New York’s underground poker clubs.

Rodriguez, who won his second MVP award in three seasons, got in trouble earlier this month when the New York Daily News reported that the Yankees' third baseman had been visiting underground poker clubs with professional card player Phil Hellmuth.

While warned to stop visiting these clubs, Rodriguez could not help but go one last time to celebrate his MVP victory. The visit turned out very badly, however, with Rodriguez losing the Trophy going “all-in” on a 2-7 off-suit, considered the worst hand possible in poker. When questioned about his play, Rodriguez maintained that he was trying to “bluff” the other players. “I just wanted to be like those guys on ESPN”, said Rodriguez. “The only problem is, they keep winning while I keep losing.”

Poker regulars hoped that Rodriguez would continue to visit the clubs. “A-Rod is always welcome here”, said a grizzled regular while chomping on his cigar. “The other guys love to play with him, since he keeps throwin’ money away. A-Rod may be the AL MVP, but he’s our most valuable player also. I’m putting my kids through college thanks to him.”

Rodriguez, meanwhile, was not overly concerned about losing the MVP trophy. Said Rodriguez, “I plan on getting three or four more MVP trophies anyway. I’d like to thank the writers who keep voting for my overrated, non-clutch play on the field. This just shows you that baseball is more about hitting home runs in meaningless situations than it is about making clutch plays that actually help your team win.”

Even these monkeys could beat A-Rod in poker

NFL Fans Outraged at Hot Lesbian Cheerleaders’ Sexual Escapades

2005-11-08T02:16:00.000-06:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

NFL fans responded with shock and outrage after it was reported yesterday that two hot Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, Renee Thomas and Kristen Owen, were arrested for having sex with each other at a Tampa-area nightclub (article here).

The Panthers have moved quickly to kick the cheerleaders off the team, a move which was approved by rabid NFL fan Damian Delporte. Said Delporte, “It is a disgrace that those hot, blonde, big-breasted cheerleaders were having lesbian sex with each other. I mean, who could be interested in that???”

NFL fan and right-wing commentator Sean Hannity was quick to denounce the lesbian sex. “This just shows you the decline in moral values we’re having in our country”, said an upset Hannity. “When I watch football with my son, I want it to be a good, clean game for the family where we can watch 250-pound guys beat each other to a bloody pulp. There’s no place for hot lesbian cheerleaders in football.” Hannity, however, admitted that he would approve of the cheerleaders under special circumstances. “If I found out my son was turning gay”, said Hannity, “I would have him watch hot lesbian cheerleader sex ‘till it turned him straight.”

Hannity also said that he would obtain a copy of the surveillance video of the incident, so that he could “better understand the situation and protect (his) children”.

We will be seeing these cheerleaders next time in Playboy

Cubs to Host First Ever Simulated World Series

2005-10-19T11:59:00.000-05:00

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

After the 2005 White Sox monumental achievement of becoming the first Chicago team to reach a World Series since the 1959 season, the Tribune Company is striking back with its local competition. In fear of losing bandwagon fans that no nothing about baseball to the White Sox, the corporation that owns the Cubs has devised a plan to keep Chicago’s beer garden (otherwise known as Wrigley Field) flowing for years to come. Beginning Saturday night, the Cubs plan to host game 1 of the first ever pretend Word Series.

The main participants in the series will be Kerry Wood and Mark Prior. They will reportedly be competing against the speed gun, trying to top 90 mph for 100 consecutive pitches. If both pitchers do so, baseball commissioner Bud Selig has agreed to deliver cubic zirconium rings, which will be handed out to each Cub player during the 2006 home opener.

Cubs manager Dusty Baker thinks his team has a great chance to win. “I think my team has all the talent, heart, and experience to win it all. Both pitchers have gimpy arms, are pussy enough to take themselves out of games in which others would have played through the pain, and have pitched in more simulated games than any pitcher in baseball.”

Cubs GM Jim Hendry thinks that the move by the Tribune Company is a brilliant idea. “The White Sox are getting way too much attention right now. Since there is no way we will ever make the World Series, we might as well pretend we are in one. Besides, our fans generally don’t pay much attention to the game on the field, so to them it will be like we are really participating in the Fall Classic.”

While it may seem strange that fans would actually attend such an odd event, SportParody staff writer Eric T, who has a ticket to game 1 of the simulated World Series, explains that this is actually better than going to a real baseball game. “The thing about going to a real game, is that the game on the field can be a distraction to what we are really there to do: look at the ivy, drink, look at hot chicks, drink, look at hot chicks, drink... Did I mention that there are a ton of hot chicks that go to Wrigley Field?"

When asked to be more specific, Eric T gave a personal example. "One time when I was sitting in the bleachers, I was busy hitting on this one girl. All of a sudden I heard a loud noise, which sounded like a crack of the bat. Just as I turned to look at the field, I felt a sharp pain... of the baseball nailing me on top of my head. There were a couple of fans telling me to throw the baseball back on to the field. But I was in no mood. After the ball bounced off my head, which was bad enough, it knocked over my beer. I had never been so pissed off in my life. Since there will be no hitters at this upcoming game, I won’t have to worry about that ever happening again.”

After the announcement was made, Cub fans around Wrigleyville were partying harder than their South Side counterparts had after game 5 of the ALCS. While he admits that it was just another excuse to get wasted, SportParody editor and Cub fan, REALSPORTS, said that he had the best night of his life. “Any true Cub fan doesn’t give a shit whether we win or lose. That is why it doesn’t matter that this World Series is going to be fake. If it were real, it would just be an excuse to party. How is that different from what we are doing now? That is what is great about being a fan of the loveable losers. When you lose, you really win.”

Wrigley Field: Home to hot women and a bad baseball team

White Sox Fan Loses $1 Billion Dollars in Parlor Bet Gone Wrong

2005-10-14T14:31:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

CHICAGO, IL-– Ron Toam and Andrew Miller are two high-powered Corporate attorneys working in the Chicago loop. As White Sox season-ticket holders, they have enjoyed an amazing run this year, watching the Southsiders surprise all of baseball with their playoff run.

Throughout the season, Toam and Miller frequently made side bets on the games, on everything from the final score to the results of each pitch. As chronic gamblers, Toam and Miller would often exchange hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars through the course of a game.

During Wednesday’s ALCS game 2 Sox victory, Toam was having an awful night as a bettor, losing thousands of dollars on wrong calls on balls and strikes, hits and outs. During the 5th inning, Toam lost $2000 alone by giving Miller 100-1 odds on a $20 bet on Robb Quinlan hitting a homerun in his at bat. Explains Toam, “Quinlan was a light-hitting bench player who only had 5 home runs all year. The way Buerhle was pitching, I said no way in hell is that busher hitting a homerun.” Much to Toam’s chagrin, Quinlan turned on a Buerhle fastball for his first career postseason home run. Said Toam, “I wanted to cry.”

With two outs in the bottom of the ninth, as Miller was counting the winnings he planned to blow later that night at the strip club, Toam half-jokingly offered a last-ditch long shot bet. “What kind of odds will you give me on A.J. Pierzynski striking out and running to first after the game is over and still being called safe after a lengthy conference by the umpires??” Miller was laughing as he said, “OK, a billion to one.” Unbelievably, Pierzynski proceeded to strike out, have the umpire call him out, yet still end up safe at first. As Miller watched incredulously, Toam saw his 1 dollar bet turn into $1 billion dollars. Said Toam, “Yes!! I knew my chronic gambling problems would pay off one day. This is a good lesson for all the chronic gamblers out there who keep losing and losing. Just keep at it, and you’re bound to hit it big one day.”

Miller, meanwhile, remained in a state of shock well after the game had ended. “I don’t know how I’m going to explain this to my wife, assuming I still have a wife when I get home,” explained Miller. “I just put my kids, my kids’ kids, and their kids all into bankruptcy. It will be a few millennia before my descendants finally pay off this debt.”

Toam, meanwhile, promised to not be heartless toward his old lawyer buddy. “I told him he didn’t have to pay the $1 billion up front…he just has to pay me $1 million dollars over the next 1000 years.”

White Sox Win Opener of ALDS; Sell Out Stadium

2005-10-05T00:11:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Tuesday was a great day for the White Sox. Not only did they pound the defending champion Red Sox 14 to 2, they actually sold out their stadium (article here).

With a good number of White Sox nation behind bars, reaching sellout capacity this year has been tough for the White Sox, despite the team’s amazing run. During the playoff series, White Sox officials had their fingers crossed for a sell-out, and were glad that the handful of White Sox fans that actually exist really came through.

One such fan, Jamie Barber, who watched the game from the Cell’s famed upper deck, was glad she came. “I couldn’t really see the game from up here”, said Barber, while being interviewed 2000 feet above the field. “But that’s ok. I come to games more to see White Sox fans brawl and beat each other to a bloody pulp.”

The players, meanwhile, appreciated the extra support from their fans. Said White Sox speedster Scott Podsednik, “When I looked up and saw all those fans, I couldn’t believe it. You can usually count the number of fans at our games on one hand.” Podsednik made it clear that he truly appreciated all of the support. “When I saw all those wife-beaters and mullets in the stands, it really brought a tear to my eye. That’s special, man.”

Following the White Sox victory, the raucous crowd continued to celebrate by heading to the only bar within five miles of the stadium, Joe’s Mullet Shack. Reports said a good number were mugged on the way out, including diehard White Sox fan Brian Johnson. Johnson was simply too happy to care, however. “Yeah, I got mugged, but you sorta expect that when you visit the Cell. It’s cool, though… I don’t have a job so the robber couldn’t take any money from me anyway.”

This Tire Fire is burning bright tonight after the White Sox victory

The Hawk has Heart Attack Due to Recent Sox Slide

2005-09-17T15:10:00.000-05:00

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

KANSAS CITY — Chicago White Sox Broadcaster, Ken “The Hawk” Harrelson, gave White Sox fans a scare on Thursday almost as fearful as the team's recent chances of making the playoffs. With the lead dwindling down to 4.5 games and after having dropped 5 of their last 6 overall and 2 out of 3 to the Royals (arguably the worst team in baseball), the Hawk’s heart could not take it anymore, according to doctors at a local Kansas City Hospital.

After being rushed to the hospital, doctors had a hard time operating on Harrelson, according to Chief Surgeon Richard Harrington. “Before we started operating on his heart, we were spending hours looking for the damn thing. We stumbled upon something that looked like another intestine, and we figured that this is normally where someone’s heart would be.”

The doctors spent another hour debating what this was until they came to the conclusion that it was The Hawk’s heart, which had a sock-like shape. “In extremely rare cases", said Harrington, "when somebody becomes overly obsessive over something their heart tends to turn into whatever they are emotionally over-attached to. In this case, it happened to be the White Sox.”

Harrington noted that while Hawk’s strangely shaped heart was abnormal, it was not the reason for his heart attack. In fact, it had more to do with the fact that his heart was falling apart in similar fashion to the team he has grown to fall in love with. Said Harrington, “His heart is in terrible shape. We really hope his team can put it together, so his heart will turn from what resembles a decaying, moldy sock, into one that has not even been worn yet.”

The only witness to the heart attack was the Hawk’s broadcast partner, Darrin “DJ” Jackson, who claims that he sadly saw it coming. “It all started with the 7 game losing streak in August. He kept saying on the air that every team is entitled to a slump and that there was no need to go out and get a guy like Ken Griffey Jr. and all that bull shit. But you could see right through it. He was just trying to hang in there and buy himself some time. After that, it was all downhill from there. The ‘He Gones’ and ‘You can Put in on the Boards’ were becoming less and less. Eventually, there were no more excuses he could come up with to cover the White Sox shitty play. Once you start losing to the Royals, there is nothing you can say.”

When asked how he felt about the Hawk’s condition, DJ didn’t show much hope. “After the doctors told me that the Hawk’s heart depends on how well the White Sox play over the last few weeks of the regular season, all I can say is, ‘He Gone!’”

Doctors agree, which is why they are trying to revert to other means of curing the Hawk’s heart. “Since there is little hope for the White Sox to turn it around, we are trying to get the Hawk to become less and less obsessed with this pathetic team. We are going to use techniques similar to those used to treat drug addicts. For next week's games, we will show him the first 8 innings, which will be enough to satisfy his cravings but not destroy his heart. We just have to make sure to turn off the game before they lose. Then, we will gradually reduce the amount of innings until he realizes there are more important things in life than White Sox baseball. We hope this will transform his heart from a sock to a normal heart shape.”

While Hawk has grudgingly allowed doctors to proceed, he realizes that this could be the end of his 16 year broadcasting career. Said Hawk, “This is terrible. No more ‘Can of Corn’, ‘Streeeeetch!’, ‘He Gone’, or ‘I love email.’ I can’t even go on and on about how bats break easily nowadays and were so much better back in the day. Worst of all, the only time I can say ‘You can put it on the Board’ is after I’m done banging my wife. You can Put it in the Boaaaaaaaard, Noooooo!”

DJ doesn't have much hope for his partner's future - “After the doctors told me that the Hawk’s heart depends on how well the White Sox play over the last few weeks of the regular season, all I can say is, ‘He Gone!’”

Limbaugh Revisited

2005-09-16T00:41:00.000-05:00

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

Think last Monday's MNF football opener between two of the NFC’s elite teams was exciting? That was like watching paint dry compared to the visit I had with Rush Limbaugh. Two years after Rush Limbaugh’s controversial comments about Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb, in which he insinuated that McNabb was overrated due to the media wanting a black quarterback to succeed, I sat down with Rush at his home in Palm Beach, Florida. Limbaugh provided me with comments so outrageous and psychotic they made Michael Jackon seem normal. He also introduced me to enough drugs to have a crack house seem like a children’s learning center compared to his powdery mansion.

Southside: What was your initial reaction when Donovan Mcnabb made the Superbowl last year?

Rush: Go Patriots!!!!!

Southside: Are you a Patriots fan?

Rush: I am a fan of any team that faces off against black quarterbacks.

Southside: What would you have done if the Eagles had won the Super Bowl?

Rush: I have a big mound of coke I attend to before watching a game. The more black people on the screen, the more coke I snort. Let’s just say that the mound would have disappeared had a black man led his team to a Super Bowl title.

Southside: I understand you are a big fan of Monday Night Football. Since both quarterbacks last game were black, who were you rooting for?

Rush: Well ideally I wanted both quarterback to get injured so they could bring in the intelligent, underrated white quarterbacks. But, since that was too good to be true, I just got as fucked up as possible.

Southside: What do you mean by that?

Rush: I have a pre-game ritual. I start it off with a box of pain killers, followed by a pound of cocaine. For dessert, I prefer some speedball soup, which is a tasty blend of speedballs and “Tuff Actin” Tinactin that I would like to thank John Madden for providing me with.

After talking with Rush, he was kind enough to show me around his house as well as his radio studio. Here is what he had to show me.

These are a few of the ingredients used for Rush’s pregame meal.

This is the amount of coke that Rush will snort once a black quarterback wins the superbowl.

Orton, Ramsey Battle for Last NFL Groupie

2005-09-10T16:24:00.000-05:00

By: SouthsideBrawlers
SportParody Staff Writer

Among the slate of NFL games tomorrow, the Bears/Redskins game features a personal duel between the starting QBs that will make or break their seasons.

With similar college football and professional numbers, Bears QB Kyle Orton and Redskins QB Patrick Ramsey are both out to prove they deserve the last NFL groupie. To gain a perspective on what tomorrow's game means to Orton and Ramsey, one must understand the “shagability” factor that both players are lacking.

The top quarterbacks in the league - Tom Brady, Donovan McNabb, and Peyton Manning - deservedly date the likes of Jessica Alba, Anna Kournikova, and Beyonce while other top position players such as Ray Lewis, Randy Moss, and Terrell Owens celebrate victories by drenching their Gatorade on hotties of similar caliber.

Unfortunately, Orton and Ramsey rank behind most offensive linemen in terms of desirability (determined 99% by athletic ability, .99% by looks, and .01% by personality), and as such, they are fighting over the last NFL groupies for a victory dance in bed. First in line is the always available Paris Hilton look-alike, who also happens to be a crack whore. After Hilton, there’s a large drop off in quality, with fellow crack whore Courtney Love, then Rosie O’Donnell, and finally Roseanne.

Even with most groupies off the table, Ramsey and Orton both admit there is still a lot at stake. Said Orton: “Even though I might break Paris in half on game night, it is better than getting broke in half by Roseanne. I take a big enough beating during the games.” Added Orton, “Hilton is no Lombardi trophy, but rumor has it that Courtney Love is more black and blue than the NFC north. If I lose this game, I may opt for early retirement and look to the bars in West Lafayette for my groupie love.”

Ramsey and Orton are battling for one night in Paris.

Buehrle Accuses Rangers of Using Psychic Powers

2005-08-31T17:57:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Chicago White Sox left-hander Mark Buehrle is convinced that the Texas Rangers are cheating.

One day after claiming that the Rangers signaled pitches to batters through a high-tech light system in center field (article here), Buehrle today suggested that the Rangers were using psychic powers to predict future pitches.

“The Rangers are hitting .256 on the road, but an unbelievable .285 at home,” said Buehrle. “It is pretty obvious to me that the Rangers are either using supernatural psychic powers, a sophisticated light system, or some combination of the two. In fact, I think it’s obvious to everyone.”

White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen, for one, was not convinced. “Everyone knows that I’m a big fan of saying the craziest shit,” said the outspoken Sox manager. “But even I think what Mark is saying here is crazy. He should focus more on pitching, and less on trying to explain the world of the paranormal.”

Texas DH Phil Nevin, meanwhile, was confused by Buehrle’s accusations. “I’m hitting .205. If we’re cheating, I missed the memo.”

USC to Show Complete College Football Dominance

2005-08-22T03:34:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Watch out, college football, there’s a new USC in town.

Following a near-unanimous sweep of the preseason AP Poll released Saturday (article here), USC head coach Pete Carroll made a startling announcement: “We’re going to send two USC teams to the Rose Bowl this year”.

With USC returning Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinert, do-it-all running back Reggie Bush, and most everyone of significance from last year’s dominating team, every major sports publication has already penciled in USC as virtually assured of an unprecedented third straight national championship.

Seeking a greater challenge, Carroll has announced that USC’s backups will form their own team, to showcase USC’s complete dominance. “I kept reading how our backups would be good enough to start on other teams”, said Carroll. “So a lightbulb went off in my head - Why not just form another team with our backups? We’re so good that our backup squad can go undefeated also... especially in the Pac-10.”

Rival Pac-10 coaches were dismayed at Carroll’s announcement. “It already is tough on our kids to have to lose once to USC every year,” said Karl Dorrell, Head Coach of cross-town rival UCLA. “But now twice?? Looks like another year of playing in the Las Vegas bowl.”

The only good news for USC's opponents is they get to see more of the USC Cheerleaders

Reality Show to Show Knight's Calmer Side

2005-08-15T09:04:00.000-05:00

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

Legendary and often controversial NCAA basketball head coach Bobby Knight feels that the press give him a bad rap and just flat out misunderstand him. In order to show America his softer, calmer, more collective side, Bobby Knight has agreed to do a reality show in which twenty Texas Tech students will go through a series of “soft and calm” basketball practices, with one lucky student getting an opportunity as a walk-on to the Texas Tech basketball team the following year.

Sportspardy was fortunate enough to land an exclusive interview with Bobby Knight. The following is a transcript:

SportParody: So Mr. Knight, what kind of drills do you plan to use?

Knight: Well, a technique I like to use when one of my players misses a lay-up is a therapeutic neck exercise where I massage their throat with my whole hand.

SP: Umm, I think the technical term for that is choking, isn't it?

Knight: You disrespectful piece of ****, that is not what I’m talking about at all! It’s a neck exercise is all, don’t be like the rest of the media you big dope!

SP: Okay....moving on. What other motivational techniques will you apply to these students?

Knight: Let’s say one of my players has a bad game and played like garbage. Well, what I like to do is use interactive learning is all I will say.

SP: You mean you make them stand in a trash can if they play like garbage?

Knight: God you media are the devil! I use a can, yes, but you perceive it as a garbage can when in fact it’s just a can they stand in, you again couldn't be farther from the facts dumb-ass.

SP: All-righty then.... what comments would you like to make about your chair throwing incident in 1985?

Knight: I’m getting tired of this; I didn’t throw the damn chair! I softly glided it on the floor over to my good buddy who was sitting on the other side. For crying out loud, it was a packed house and he didn’t have a seat. I’m tired of these outrageous accusations by you God-**** people! I’m getting the **** out of here!

SP: There you have it folks... The new softer side of Bobby Knight which is sure to be shown on his new reality show.

Knight calmly explains his point of view to a referee

White Sox Fever Spreads to Yankee Stadium

2005-08-11T18:54:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Fans are jumping onto the White Sox bandwagon…even in New York.

During Tuesday’s White Sox-Yankees game, 18-Year-Old Scott Harper, of Armonk, NY, decided to dramatically show support for the Sox by jumping from the Upper Deck to the Home Plate netting below. Remarkably, Harper survived the fall with only minor injuries.

Although a self-professed Yankee fan, Harper’s actions are proof positive to Sox manager Ozzie Guillen that White Sox fever is spreading. “That idiot was clearly a closet White Sox fan”, says Guillen. “Only a Sox fan would do something so stupid and life-threatening.”

SportParody Staff Writer SouthsideBrawlers is proud to welcome Harper into the Sox fan fraternity. “Scott continues the proud tradition of Sox fans acting retarded”, says Southside, sporting a new mullet in preparation for “Mullet night” at US Cellular September 3rd. “Whether running onto the field to beat up first base coaches, or jumping from the Upper Deck at a game, you can count on Sox fans to do the most stupid, retarded things imaginable.”

uh... maybe this wasn't such a good idea

Tropicana Near Bankruptcy Thanks to Devil Rays

2005-08-09T08:08:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Tropicana Products, Inc., the maker of Tropicana orange juice, held a news conference yesterday to announce they were on the edge of bankruptcy. The culprit?? Continual crappy play by the Devil Rays, who play in company-sponsored Tropicana field.

Baseball fans all over the country have abandoned Tropicana orange juice en masse, fed up at the continual mediocre play of baseball’s worst franchise. Explains market analyst Charles Vitu, “No one is going to buy anything connected to the Devil Rays.”

A recent taste test held by Tropicana confirmed the company’s worst fears. When drinking Minute Maid (sponsor of the suddenly hot Houston Astros), taste-testers described the OJ as “great”, “satisfying”, and “a winner”. When drinking Tropicana, however, taste-testers used words such as “disappointing”, “pathetic”, and just outright “terrible”. Scientist Matthew Robbins explains, “Baseball fans have internalized the play of the Astros and the Devil Rays with their respective orange juice sponsors. They can’t help but taste sweet sweet success when drinking Minute Maid, and bitter disappointment when drinking Tropicana.”

Tropicana Products President Anthony Rossi is hoping for a miracle. “Is baseball still considering contraction?? Please get rid of the Devil Rays before they drive us into the ground!”

A "busy" night at Tropicana Field

Wisconsin Coach to Step Down, Selects New Coach

2005-08-04T08:22:00.000-05:00

By: Beaties
SportParody Staff Writer

Barry Alvarez, head football coach of the Wisconsin Badgers, announced last Thursday that this year will be his last, opting to take full responsibility as the school’s athletic director. When asked who would replace him, Alvarez replied, “This is a question I had to think long and hard about. It kept me up into the wee hours of the morning since I wanted to make the best choice possible. After much thought, the most logical conclusion I could come to is Mr. School Pride himself: Bucky Badger."

Alvarez continued: “I chose him out of the 35 people I interviewed because he was very quiet and let me do all the talking, and I like that. All these other people I interviewed constantly talked about how they would recruit, how they would run practice, what style of offense they would use - they just bored the hell out of me. But Bucky didn't say a word, which means he isn’t a talker. He’s a real go-getter, and that’s what this program needs.” When asked what good Bucky could possibly do for the school, Alvarez said, “I was able to get him for cheaper than other coaches, and I think that means something. He’s willing to work for only a few walnuts a week, so I’m saving my school money already.”

Bucky and his new coaching staff with exactly zero hours of football coaching experience.

Shaq Gives Criminals a Break

2005-08-03T10:02:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Criminals across the nation breathed a sigh of relief as Shaquille O’Neal’s agent Perry Rogers announced a new 5 year, $100 million contract yesterday with the Miami Heat (article here).

O’Neal, who was recently sworn in as a US Deputy Marshal, has professed repeatedly his desire to become involved in law enforcement after retiring from basketball (article here). Thanks to his new contract, however, O’Neal’s second career will have to wait a few more years.

Criminals all over the country were overjoyed at the news. A drug dealer on Chicago’s south side who only gave his nickname, “Ice”, was relieved that undercover Shaq would not bust up his operation any time soon. “Shaq has true street smarts and is a master of disguise”, explained Ice. “If Shaq came up to me undercover I’d just assume he was another, random 7 foot 1, 325 pound guy.”

O’Neal issued a warning to all criminals out there not to celebrate too soon. “With my recent history of injuries”, said O’Neal, “I will be back on the streets catching criminals in no time.”

Officer Shaq lays down the law

Red-Hot Diamondbacks Surge into First Place

2005-08-01T09:35:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

The Arizona Diamondbacks have been hotter than the Arizona summer heat.

Following a victory yesterday against the Chicago Cubs, the Red-Hot Diamondbacks have gone a scorching 13-14 in the month of July to pull ahead of the San Diego Padres in the National League West.

Skeptics may question the use of words like “red-hot” and “scorching” to describe a month of sub-.500 baseball, but ESPN baseball guru Peter Gammons argues otherwise. “For a NL West team to play near .500 baseball”, says Gammons, “is pretty damn good”.

Indeed, compared to the former high-flying Padres, the Diamondbacks have been on a tear. Their relentless slightly-below-average play has chipped away at what was a 5 ½ game lead at the start of July. Says veteran Diamondbacks outfielder Luis Gonzalez, “We are simply unstoppable.”

Diamondbacks manager Bob Melvin is simply amazed by the near-average play of his ball club. “Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine we would ever come close to .500”, says Melvin. “If we keep playing like this we will clinch a playoff spot by the end of August.”

Even this Little League team could win in the NL West

J-Rod Mania Sweeps St. Louis

2005-07-29T08:12:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Watch out A-Rod. There’s another Rodriguez in the big leagues now.

Well, technically, there are eight Rodriguez’s in the major’s, but none have created quite the buzz recently John Rodriguez, the new 27-year old outfielder for the Cardinals, has (article here).

The Cardinal Rodriguez, now popularly known as J-Rod, had toiled for years in minor-league obscurity before a recent run placed him squarely in the spotlight. Following an unreal stretch of 17 homers and 47 RBIs in only 34 games at Triple-A Memphis, J-Rod has continued his torrent hitting in his brief time at the majors, hitting .344 with 3 homers in only 32 at bats. Says J-Rod, “This is Friggin' Sweet!”

Rabid Cardinal fan and SportParody staff writer Beasties has become fully swept up in J-Rod mania. Says Beasties, “I would give my kidney to J-Rod if he asked for it. He is truly the second coming to Albert Pujols.” Other Cardinal fans have commented on how nice it is to have an outfielder who is not old and falling apart (i.e. Jim Edmonds, Larry Walker, Reggie Sanders) for a change.

Other Rodriguez’s in the big leagues have not jumped aboard the J-Rod bandwagon. Wandy Rodriguez, who sports a 6.18 ERA for the Astros, admits to feeling a twinge of jealousy. “Maybe if fans started cheering for me as W-Rod,” he says, “I would stop giving up so many homers.”