REAL SPORTS

College Bball has Thugs, Too

2007-02-28T22:34:00.000-06:00

One more article from SouthSide:

Read these articles and tell me do you still think there are more thugs in the NBA than in college? How can you leave someone for dead? Apparently there were other players on the team who did not call for help either. Just because you are worse at basketball does not mean you are a better person. Also, there is no way that highly recruited players like Greg Oden and Kevin Durant are worse kids than Jamar Smith, Chester Frazier, and others who cared only about themselves and not at all about their near fatal teammate. And if Bruce lets these kids stay on the team, he is not as good of a guy as we thought. I would rather have him pay Oden, who has almost a 4.0 GPA and would not almost kill a teammate and spit on his corpse. This is a big story which could possibly be an end to our program. How the mighty have fallen just like that.

Also, I think if something similar happened involving NBA players, this would definitely be more of a national story. I think this story is mostly being publicized locally. Even locally, the chief's last game is a bigger story, which is ludicrous. College basketball players are not student athletes, they are minor league NBA players. The great ones get called up to the big leagues.

Article here
Article here

NBA All-Star Mayhem

2007-02-28T22:31:00.000-06:00

Another article from SouthSide:

REALSPORTS, here is another interesting article you can put up on the site. There is a nice little slam against the fox news of sports.

Article here

The Black KKK?

2007-02-28T22:25:00.000-06:00

SouthSide submits the following:

Wow, some really strong comments in this article. At least someone is willing to talk about the issue. If a white guy wrote this, there would definitely be people playing the race card. That's probably why Americans are too scared to talk about it. Then when there really is racism, it gets ignored. That's too bad.

Btw, I was thinking about the other article. Vegas was dangerous during the All Star game, but the biggest story was about a football player, not a bball player getting in trouble. And look at teams like the Bengals. Why is the NFL not thought of as the league of thugs?

Article here

Clean Up Football Recruiting?? That's a "Gonzaga Mushroom Dream"

2007-02-14T01:20:00.000-06:00

Gene Wojciechowski has a great article on Ron Zook's recent recruiting coup at Illinois. While he doesn't pass judgment on Zook, he does call into question the entire recruiting process. He recounts a coversation recently between two coaches:

"How's it going?" said the coach.

"Great," said the other coach. "I love being lied to by 17-year olds."

Article here

And you thought used car salesmen were shady

Kevin Durant's the Man

2007-02-13T19:15:00.000-06:00

From SOUTHSIDE BRAWLERS:

This is why the 19 year old age limit in the NBA is a good thing. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to watch some of today's great NBA players, who came straight out of high school, play in college?

Thanks to the age limit the NBA instituted last year, we can start to get a feel of what could have been. Kevin Durant is the best player that college basketball has seen in quite some time. Dan Wetzel of Yahoo Sports tells us the impact that he already is having on the college hoops scene.

Article here.

The Secret to Good Pitching... Yoga???

2007-02-11T23:56:00.000-06:00

Great article in the NY Times here.

Ommmmmm Ommmmmm

Cubs, White Sox, Cardinals Ticket Info

2007-02-11T22:42:00.000-06:00

REALSPORTS is a HUGE Cubs fan, and I am ready to pounce on these upcoming Cubs ticket sales:

White Sox tickets (Friday, February 16 at 10 AM)

Cubs tickets (Friday, February 23 at 10 AM)

Cardinals tickets (Saturday, March 3 at 9 AM)

Some of the hottest games will sell out literally seconds after they go on sale. Make sure you act fast to get the game you want!

If you want up-to-date ticket info, including hard-to-find presale passwords, click here. I've tried other sites, but this site is the most reliable and the most comprehensive.

You would never see girls like this at a White Sox game

Baseball Teams Limit Playoff Tickets to “Real” Fans

2006-09-28T18:29:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Following an article yesterday in the Wall Street Journal commenting on the increasing difficulty of “rank-and-file” baseball fans to secure playoff tickets, teams have responded by defending their policies to protect the “real fans” of baseball.

“We vigorously defend this policy”, says Dave Howard, executive vice president of business operations for the New York Yankees. “By limiting playoff tickets to season-ticket holders, we ensure that our real fans have access to the most important games.” When asked what fans who couldn’t afford season tickets should do, Howard did not offer much sympathy. “Listen”, says Howard, “if you’re not willing to shell out thousands of dollars for season tickets, then you’re clearly not a real fan. In fact, if you’re only paying a couple thousand for tickets, you’re one pretty cheap bastard, and you only deserve to get playoff tickets to one game, in the bleeding-nose section. Come to mention it, that’s our new policy, and I say those cheap-ass fans are pretty lucky for even that. The real, true, diehard fans are the ones who are paying at least $10,000 for tickets.”

James Dawson, a New York-based investment banker who is paying $75,000 for a pair of season tickets behind home plate, agrees with the Yankees’ policy of limiting playoff tickets. Says Dawson, “The true Yankees fans are those investment bankers and corporate lawyers sitting in the skyboxes and down near the field. I mean, why else would we be paying so much for tickets unless we were true fans?”

Despite Dawson’s “true” love of the Yankees, he admits to not knowing much about the team, or of baseball itself. “I don’t even go to most games,” he says, “I give away the tickets to clients to keep them happy. When I do go, I’m usually on my phone making business deals. Baseball’s such a boring sport anyway. That’s why I was in science club instead of Little League when I was growing up.”

Thanks, George

Champaign, IL Hoops Legend Jeremy Curtiss Skips out on Honeymoon to Get Married

2006-09-22T04:36:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Last weekend was one of the greatest weekends in Jeremy Curtiss’ life. Curtiss, a Champaign, IL hoops legend who was once voted the “best white basketball player” in middle school (article here), got married last weekend to his girlfriend of six years. More importantly, however, Curtiss watched his beloved Chicago Bears maul the hapless Detroit Lions 34-7 last Sunday at a local Buffalo Wild Wings the day after his wedding. Said Curtiss, “Yeah getting married was cool and all, but the Bears game, now THAT was awesome.”

Immediately following the wedding, Curtiss left with his new bride to Mexico for a Honeymoon. Before leaving, Curtiss was found to be in especially high spirits. “This Honeymoon is going to be awesome”, said Curtiss. “Not only do I get to consummate my marriage, but they got an all-you-can-eat buffet there! How awesome is that!” He continued, “Between that sweet buffet and the warm feelings that come over me thinking about how awesome the Bears are, this Honeymoon is going to be perfect.”

The Honeymoon reached a bit of a snag, however, when Curtiss realized that his flight from Mexico would not return in time to catch the next Bears game on Sunday against the Vikings. Distraught, Curtiss tried to end the honeymoon early, but to no avail. “Jeremy Michael Curtiss!” exclaimed his irate wife, “You’re not ruining our honeymoon because of some stupid football game!” Curtiss, not knowing how to respond, simply muttered, “They’re not stupid…”

Torn between having to choose between the love of his life and his new wife, Curtiss found himself in a tough situation. After much thought over the midnight buffet, Curtiss found he had no choice. “Funk this”, said Curtiss. “I’m skipping out early on my Honeymoon so I can watch the Bears.” When pressed about this curious and potentially marriage-threatening decision, Curtiss explained, “Yeah, it’s true that if I leave early my wife might never forgive me. But if I miss the Bears game I’ll never forgive myself. It’s just all a matter of setting priorities, and I think I’ve got my priorities set right.”

Jeremy's Dream

Are You Ready For Some Football???

2006-09-09T06:36:00.000-05:00

To prepare you for the upcoming season, here’s a collection of our best football articles in the archives:

An interview with Rush Limbaugh

Lesbian cheerleaders and their sexual escapades

Fight for the last NFL groupie

NCAA eliminating cheerleaders?

USC utterly dominant

Barry Alvarez’s successor

Virus outbreak forces Arizona Cardinals away from training camp

I'm ready for some football

LeBron: Greece doesn’t play “Real Basketball”

2006-09-08T02:50:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

The United States basketball team fell short again in international play, losing last Friday to Greece in the FIBA World Baketball Championship semifinals.

Following the loss, the United States team seemed stunned in disbelief, having just been systematically dismantled (primarily by the simple pick and roll) by a Greek team that was as obscure as it was unpronounceable .

LeBron James, team USA co-captain, refused to believe that his team had just gotten beaten at "real basketball”. "Man, this is a bunch of bullshit”, said an infuriated James. “They don’t play REAL basketball. They actually used all five of their players on offense, instead of just having one player drive into the lane while everyone else stands around. Now THAT’S real basketball."

Panagiotis Yiannakis, coach for the Greek team, admitted to being a little stunned at the victory. "We shot, like what, 66% from the floor? That's what happens when no one plays defense on you.” When asked how his Greek team was able to find so many open shots against the more athletic US side, Yiannakis seemed befuddled at his team'’s success. "I told my guys to keep moving the ball around until someone had an open shot. After about two or three passes, the US defenders seemed confused and frozen at our ball movement. I think they'’re more used to one guy hogging the ball in the NBA.”

Yiannakis also credited a simple gameplan for his team’s effective defense against the NBA superstars. “We knew that they like to drive into the lane 1 on 5, so we just packed the paint with defenders. It didn’t matter that we left players open on the perimeter, they just didn't know how to pass the ball. Even my 5 year old grandson's youth team plays smarter basketball than those ballhogging idiots."

James, meanwhile, didn’t seem too bothered at the US loss. "We were beat by a team with superior shooting, passing, defense, and team play. I don’t know what game they were playing, but it sure as hell wasn't NBA basketball."

Proud to be an American

Will the US win the World Basketball Championship?

2006-08-21T02:31:00.000-05:00

US will NOT win

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

The US is a heavy favorite in the ongoing World Basketball Championship (WBC). Talent-wise, no one comes close. Still, trouble lies ahead. Why? Three main reasons:

1. Lack of quality, dependable outside shooting
With the three point line a couple feet closer in the international game, dependable outside scoring is essential for tournament success. Given this, where is the outside specialist on this team? The US has too many streaky shooters from the outside... you're rolling the dice with these guys.

2. Past history
With third and sixth place finishes in the last two international tournaments, the US has been less than impressive in international play. Will this time be different? Maybe, but I need to see proof on the court again before I jump back on the US bandwagon.

3. Team Chemistry
This is an area where the US is at a hopeless disadvantage. The other teams feature players who have grown up playing together, from their youth days on up. There is no way that a couple weeks of training camp in the summer can recreate the same kind of team chemistry the other teams feature.

Will the US team's overwhelming talent make up for these shortcomings? Perhaps, but I'm inclined to believe no for now. I have the US losing... either to Spain or Argentina in the finals.

What do you think?? Feel free to post below!

Coach K? Just calling to let you know that the US won't win this time around. And, oh yeah. DUKE SUCKS

Do you believe Floyd Landis?

2006-08-14T01:25:00.000-05:00

Editor's note: SportParody will post a "question of the week" every Sunday night along with a position (and perhaps a counter-argument) from a staff writer. Feel free to respond in the comments section below.

Floyd Landis is Full of Shit

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

From Landis' website:

"I was the strongest man in the Tour de France, and that is why I am the champion."

Who is this guy kidding?? To recap, Landis was found to have a testosterone-epitestosterone ratio of 4:1 (four times the normal ratio) following his miracle ride in Stage 17 of this year's Tour. At the time, Landis was being called a hero. Now, he's being called a sham.

I will admit I feel somewhat bad for the guy. Landis was certainly not the only cheater in this year's tour, and I have a sneaking suspicion that Lance Armstrong cheated as well during his years of dominance. You see, the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) has placed such high levels of "permitted" doping that cyclists are almost compelled to cheat... up to a point. Any cyclist who can dope yet keep their T-E ratios under the 4:1 marker will have a decisive advantage in competition. Given the stakes involved, one can see the irresistible temptation.

Landis during the tour was humble, genial, and easy to root for. But the this built-up goodwill built up has eroded steadily as he continues to steadfastly deny cheating in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. His excuses - ranging from drinking the night before to a French conspiracy against him - smack of desperation. Floyd, the game is over. Salvage your remaining pride, and admit the truth.

What do you think?? Feel free to post below.

Landis in happier days

Mamma Mia! Italy wins the World Cup!!

2006-07-09T23:57:00.000-05:00

The soccer was boring as expected, but there were still some highlights from this year's World Cup. Enjoy!

SportParody Exclusive: Interview With Keith Hernandez

2006-04-24T02:53:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

On Sunday, Mets broadcaster and former first baseman Keith Hernandez drew fire for his comments suggesting women don’t belong in a baseball dugout. Facing mounting criticism, Hernandez sat down with SportParody to set the record straight.

SP: Keith, can you clarify your comments on why women don’t belong in the dugout?

KH: You have to understand I’m looking at this purely from a baseball point of view. One time, Mookie (Wilson) brought a couple strippers into the dugout that he had been partying with the night before. They were a lot of fun, but very distracting. I had a hard time focusing at the plate, with my mind on those hot-ass strippers. Needless to say, we lost the game.

SP: Interesting... I’m sure no one thought about that...

KH: Yeah, that’s what ticks me off so much. People assume I’m some kind of male chauvinist, when really I’m just thinking in terms of baseball. Let’s see how well the Padres do this year with all that Estrogen walking around in their dugout.

SP: Do you regret any other comments you made?

KH: Yeah, I regret when I said “I won't say that women belong in the kitchen, but they don't belong in the dugout”. That was a mistake... my bad. What I meant to say is that women DO belong in the kitchen, at least when they’re not doing laundry or popping out babies.

SP: I see... what lesson has this whole experience taught you?

KH: I have learned to be a lot more careful about what I do or say around women. Call me old-fashioned, but I still don’t understand why you can’t just slap a woman in the ass and tell her to make some food. Or do the laundry. Or pop out babies. Maybe it’s just me, but this feminazi movement has really gone too far.

SP: Thank you Keith, for clarifying your comments. I’m sure it is now crystal clear what you meant to say.

Keith Hernandez won’t be on the cover of NOW Monthly anytime soon

SportParody Analysis: Why Adam Morrison will be the first overall pick in the NBA draft

2006-04-20T01:51:00.000-05:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

Yesterday, Gonzaga All-American Adam Morrison declared for the NBA draft, foregoing his final year of college eligibility. The leading scorer in the nation this past season, the 6-foot-8 forward has drawn comparisons to Larry Bird for his high-release, high-accuracy jump shot. Although virtually all draft pundits agree that Morrison will be a lottery pick, SportParody will go out on the limb and say Morrison will be THE top pick in the draft this year. Here’s why:

1) He can flat-out shoot. Morrison, who averaged 28.1 points per game last season, was virtually unguardable at times, making shots with defenders draped all over him. A scorer will always find a home in the NBA.

2) He doesn’t really play defense. Morrison’s defense is kinda like his moustache- weak, flimsy and ugly. But can you blame him? He does have diabetes after all, and were he to play hard and both ends of the court he could very well just collapse from exhaustion. Besides, as a scorer, he doesn’t have to worry about playing defense.

3) He doesn’t really pass the ball. This is again not really that much a problem. Why should he pass the ball? He’s the best shooter out there! His shoot-first, pass-second mentality will fit in well with many NBA teams.

4) He’s white. Let’s be honest, Adam Morrison is the Great White Hope. Yeah, yeah, Steve Nash won the MVP last year, but he doesn’t count because he’s Canadian and has a haircut that is just a bit too feminine. Adam Morrison is a blue-blooded American who is being groomed as the next big superstar. Whatever team drafts him will see ticket sales soar.

For all the reasons listed above, this is a no-brainer: Adam Morrison will be the number one pick in this year’s draft.

Stop crying... you're about to become filthy rich.

Autistic Player Sets Gym on Fire

2006-02-23T23:36:00.000-06:00

SportParody usually doesn't report on serious matters, but this real-life story was too good to pass up:

Jason McElwain, a senior at Greece Athena High School in Greece, NY, had the game of a lifetime last week.

Jason, or "J-Mac", as he is called, is the varsity basketball student assistant, and is beloved by his teammates and peers for his easy-going attitude. And, oh yeah, he's autistic.

As a senior present in his last home game, coach Jim Johnson allowed McElwain to play the last few minutes. Check out what happened next here:

Updated Link: Special Coverage on ESPN!!

You will NOT believe this!!

"Knight School" to Premier This Sunday

2006-02-15T20:38:00.000-06:00

Coach Bobby Knight's long-awaited reality show premiers this Sunday on ESPN at 10:00/9:00 central. SportParody was lucky enough to nab an exclusive interview with the legendary coach last year as filming began. Check it out here.

Bobby Knight is pumped about his new show

98% of NFL Players Confused by the XL in Super Bowl XL

2006-01-31T04:18:00.000-06:00

A recent survey conducted by the NFL players union has confirmed what most football fans have known for decades: NFL players just aren’t very smart.

The recent survey asked players to name what the “XL” in “Super Bowl XL” stood for. The results are as follows:
45% “Extra Large”
35% Could not read the survey
10% “Excellent”
8% “XL”
2% “Forty”

While a breakdown of these results was not made public, NFL spokesman Damian Delporte admitted that most of the 2% who responded correctly were special teams players such as kickers and punters. Or, in other words, according to Delporte, “the pansy-ass guys on every team who don’t really play football.”

At least Mike Vanderjagt answered this survey right

Seattle Yawns at Upcoming Super Bowl; Frasier Reruns expected to draw higher ratings

2006-01-30T01:53:00.000-06:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

In the days leading up to Super Bowl XL, it truly has been a tale of two cities. While Pittsburgh has been wrapped up in Steelers hysteria, Seattle “fans” have barely acknowledged that their team is about to play for the championship. While a sendoff pep rally in Pittsburgh drew 30,000, for example, a similar rally in Seattle drew less than 1,000. Reportedly, this crowd would’ve been even smaller if organizers hadn’t enticed people to come with offers of free Starbucks coffee.

The general manager for Seattle ABC affiliate KING admitted to being concerned about ratings next Sunday. “We are going against Frasier reruns on other stations. Let’s just say it’s going to be a tough night for us.”

In football mad Pittsburgh, meanwhile, local newscasts were currently reporting stories on rabid fans offering up vital organs in exchange for Super Bowl tickets. Said one such fan, Matthew Robbins, “I’m going to die if I can’t go to the Super Bowl anyway, so giving up my kidney or lung for these tickets is no big deal.”

These two things will be more important than the Super Bowl in Seattle this week

Tigers Purchase Ancient Artifacts From Museum

2005-12-16T00:32:00.000-06:00

By: Beasties
SportParody Staff Writer

In a stunning effort to turn around two decades of misfortune on the ball field, the Detroit Tigers have looked to the past to help their future. "We have tried to bring young guys up from our farm system and develop them into major league talent, but it hasn't worked," said Tigers G.M. Dave Dombrowski. "We also tried bringing in veteran free agents like Pudge Rodriguez and Rondell White, but again, that didn't work either," added Dombrowski.

With prior efforts having failed, Dombrowski and the rest of the Tigers' front office have approached this offseason with a radical new approach. Dombrowki explains, "They had a traveling exhibit at the Detroit Museum of Natural History of baseball players from the past." Dombrowski explained further, "Two of the ancient exhibits we decided to purchase were pitchers Kenny Rogers and Todd Jones. We would have liked to purchase Babe Ruth, but his family seemed a little pissed when we asked about digging him up, so we didnt."

With their offseason transactions complete, the Tigers are optimistic at what the future may bring. Said Dombrowski cheerfully, "Yeah, we feel like we have everything we need to win for years to come! Or as long as we can keep our new players out of the nursing home."

Kenny Rogers has not aged well

Epstein to Come out of Retirement, Return to Red Sox

2005-12-12T17:02:00.000-06:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

In a surprising development today, the New York Times reported that “Boy Wonder” Theo Epstein was close to returning to his beloved hometown team. Following a three-month retirement from baseball, the move surprised many observers who predicted that Epstein had walked away from the Red Sox for good.

Epstein, however, admitted to making a huge mistake in opting for early retirement at the age of 32. “With all my friends working, I would just sit at home and watch shitty daytime TV,” recalled Epstein. “There’s only so much ‘General Hospital’ that one guy can take.”

Epstein also admitted to not realizing how much he’d miss the perks of being the Red Sox GM. “Every guy in New England wanted to be me, and every woman wanted to be with me. Giving all that up was a pretty dumbass thing to do.”

Fans all over Red Sox nation were thrilled at the news that their “Boy Wonder” GM would be back in charge. Carl Dohrman, one such fan, expressed high hopes for the upcoming season. “Theo is truly the right man for the job. I can’t wait to pay $100 for a ticket next year to support another underachieving team that will collapse spectacularly down the stretch.”

Even Kelly Monaco couldn't keep Theo from watching any more General Hospital

Citing Dress Code, Iverson Joins Globetrotters

2005-11-30T19:21:00.000-06:00

By: Mo Spankles
SportParody Contributing Writer

NBA superstar Allen Iverson stunned the basketball world today by quitting the Philadelphia 76’ers and joining the legendary Harlem Globetrotters. In a statement issued by Iverson’s agent, the former Georgetown star, known to fans and teammates as “The Answer”, voiced his displeasure with the new dress code, citing it as “wack, racist and basically a pain in the ass.”

“My client, citing the tyrannical and arcane policies of Mr. Stern and his band of corporate cronies, has decided to change directions and join the world’s most famous basketball team,” his agent said via conference call. “Allen says he can’t wait to throw confetti on the crowd and shoot the ball from half court.”

The news came as a shock to NBA commissioner David Stern and league officials who implemented at the start of the season a controversial league-wide dress code, mandating NBA players and coaches wear “business casual” attire when conducting team business. The move is the league’s latest measure in an effort to clean up the controversial hip-hop image NBA players have embraced in recent years.

“Yes, I’m very surprised by the news, certainly,” said Stern from NBA headquarters in New York City. “But as long as I’m wearing the ten gallon hat, I’m going to manage the cattle the way I see best. And for now, the bling ain’t the thing.”

An elated Iverson, leaving the parking lot at Sixers’ headquarters earlier today for perhaps the last time, effused relief and joy at his latest career decision. “I’m fulfilling a dream right here, man,” Iverson proclaimed emphatically from the driver’s seat of his Cadillac Escalade. “It’s the ‘trotters, man! I don’t have to dress like some front office cat, I don’t have to practice. I’m talkin’ no practice, man. This may be the best day in the history of myself.”

Iverson, long known for his flamboyant persona and dynamic play on the court, will join the Globetrotters in Grand Rapids this weekend for two games at the Kragen Auto Parts War Memorial Coliseum against longtime whipping boys, the Washington Generals.

“We’re very excited to have A.I. here,” said legendary Globetrotter and team spokesman Meadowlark Lemon via telephone from the Days Inn downtown. “First off, I’ve got to teach this brother my patented hook. If he can get that down, the bucket of confetti isn’t far behind.”

AI will have to step up his game against the intimidating Washington Generals

A-Rod Loses MVP Trophy in Underground Poker Game

2005-11-14T22:07:00.000-06:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

NEW YORK – Hours after winning the American League Most Valuable Player award, New York Yankees’ third baseman Alex Rodriguez reportedly lost the award at a high-stakes game in one of New York’s underground poker clubs.

Rodriguez, who won his second MVP award in three seasons, got in trouble earlier this month when the New York Daily News reported that the Yankees' third baseman had been visiting underground poker clubs with professional card player Phil Hellmuth.

While warned to stop visiting these clubs, Rodriguez could not help but go one last time to celebrate his MVP victory. The visit turned out very badly, however, with Rodriguez losing the Trophy going “all-in” on a 2-7 off-suit, considered the worst hand possible in poker. When questioned about his play, Rodriguez maintained that he was trying to “bluff” the other players. “I just wanted to be like those guys on ESPN”, said Rodriguez. “The only problem is, they keep winning while I keep losing.”

Poker regulars hoped that Rodriguez would continue to visit the clubs. “A-Rod is always welcome here”, said a grizzled regular while chomping on his cigar. “The other guys love to play with him, since he keeps throwin’ money away. A-Rod may be the AL MVP, but he’s our most valuable player also. I’m putting my kids through college thanks to him.”

Rodriguez, meanwhile, was not overly concerned about losing the MVP trophy. Said Rodriguez, “I plan on getting three or four more MVP trophies anyway. I’d like to thank the writers who keep voting for my overrated, non-clutch play on the field. This just shows you that baseball is more about hitting home runs in meaningless situations than it is about making clutch plays that actually help your team win.”

Even these monkeys could beat A-Rod in poker

NFL Fans Outraged at Hot Lesbian Cheerleaders’ Sexual Escapades

2005-11-08T02:16:00.000-06:00

By: REALSPORTS
SportParody Staff Writer

NFL fans responded with shock and outrage after it was reported yesterday that two hot Carolina Panthers cheerleaders, Renee Thomas and Kristen Owen, were arrested for having sex with each other at a Tampa-area nightclub (article here).

The Panthers have moved quickly to kick the cheerleaders off the team, a move which was approved by rabid NFL fan Damian Delporte. Said Delporte, “It is a disgrace that those hot, blonde, big-breasted cheerleaders were having lesbian sex with each other. I mean, who could be interested in that???”

NFL fan and right-wing commentator Sean Hannity was quick to denounce the lesbian sex. “This just shows you the decline in moral values we’re having in our country”, said an upset Hannity. “When I watch football with my son, I want it to be a good, clean game for the family where we can watch 250-pound guys beat each other to a bloody pulp. There’s no place for hot lesbian cheerleaders in football.” Hannity, however, admitted that he would approve of the cheerleaders under special circumstances. “If I found out my son was turning gay”, said Hannity, “I would have him watch hot lesbian cheerleader sex ‘till it turned him straight.”

Hannity also said that he would obtain a copy of the surveillance video of the incident, so that he could “better understand the situation and protect (his) children”.

We will be seeing these cheerleaders next time in Playboy