Sports Hate Me

Three Things #3

2011-12-16T13:39:00.000-05:00

1. This is Ridiculous
If you missed Patrick Kane's shootout goal, which won the game for the Blackhawks on Wednesday night in Minnesota, here it is:

Watch as he nearly stops, then with a combination of body fakes, head fakes, and some of the best hands in the NHL, just toys with Niklas Backstrom. This move was really mean. Doc Emrick is speechless, Eddie Olczyk is trying not to gush over it too much, and Backstrom looks embarassed.

I don't know why goaltenders don't start employing the sweeping poke-check more often.

2. My favorite web-series

Web-series, eww. I know. But seriously, check these out. It's Cracked.com's "After Hours". They're funny, and well written, and they make you examine pop-culture a little closer.

The premise is that it's just 4 geeky friends dissecting nerd-culture at a diner after going out.

After Hours: Why Back to the Future is Secretly Terrifying

Also, if you don't already, check out Cracked.com. There's some real entertaining and funny stuff there.

3. Things aren't as bad as they seem in CBJ-land

Much has been made of the Blue Jackets' financial troubles and this season has seen a lousy 9-18-4 record that is good enough for last place, but there is still a sturdy group of people supporting this team.

Look at the attendance for the last seven home games: 16,090 against LA, 15,808 against Vancouver, 18,175 sellout with Boston, 13,852 with Nashville, 14,151 against St. Louis, 16,705 against Buffalo, and 11,629 against Calgary

So you've got low marks in the Calgary and Nashville games, and who knows how they've reached these numbers or how much they're inflated, but for a last place team that's made the playoffs once in ten years, I'd say those attendance figures are commendable. I think people are demonstrating that they do care about their hockey team in this city. I can only imagine how strong the building would be if the Blue Jackets actually put together a consistent winner.

Fact is, this isn't Phoenix where they're lucky if they reach 5 figures. There is interest in this sport after all.

Three Things #2

2011-12-14T14:17:00.000-05:00

1. LOLuongo

The Canucks well-paid goalie has had a hard go of it since about Game 3 of last year's finals. He's basically been relegated to backup (though the Canucks haven't said as much, Corey Schneider has started more games) this season, and while he hasn't been bad, he hasn't lived up to his contract or his own reputation.

Last night Luongo and the red-hot Canucks met the Blue Jackets in Columbus before a respectable 15,800 hockey fans. The Blue Jackets started Steve Mason for the first time in 12 games. (And if Mason's name began with an L, you can bet he'd get the LOL treatment himself).

It was a spirited affair, with stellar goaltending from both sides. Jeff Carter registered his 3rd goal in as many games to give the Blue Jackets a 1-0 lead. Vancouver would have to wait until 11:57 of the third period for the tying goal. The game came down to a shootout where the Blue Jackets have struggled mightily, and Steve Mason has at times looked like a peewee in pads for the first time.

Surprisingly, the Blue Jackets converted on all 3 shootout attempts. Letestu, Nash, and Wisniewski all buried their move. Each one prettier than the last. Mason only had to make one save and the two points were theirs to keep.

Some unfortunate microphone placement said more than I ever could

0 for 3 in the shootout? LOLuongo indeed.

2. Save 'Community'

It was recently announced that while the quirky NBC show hasn't been officially cancelled, it won't be back for the January season and will be replaced by 30 Rock (a fantastic show in its own right) on Thursday nights. It's going on hiatus, as they say in showbiz.

It is a little weird that a show about community college has lasted for more than 2 years. Shouldn't they have earned their AA and be transferring to a bigger, 4 year channel by now? Lame joke aside, NBC needs to know the fans, though small in number, are very loyal to the most clever show on television.

Community shucks traditional sitcom tropes and casts a large body of strange, but likable characters. They've parodied everything from westerns to Glee, and employ hilarious running gags that get funnier the more times you watch the show. What other show would air a clip show episode of clips that don't actually appear in any other episodes?

Also, Gillian Jacobs and Alison Brie bring the smokeshow.

This 30 second clip does a good job of encapsulating the show's sensibility.

Do the right thing, sign the petition. Let NBC know they've "Britta'd" this situation and help save one of the best, most refreshing TV shows in years. http://www.save-community.com/

3. Oh good, the NBA's back

That title was sarcastic. I have nothing against people who enjoy the NBA (except the snobs who look down on the NHL from their "basketball is more popular" high horse) and I'm happy for them, and I'm happy for the arena employees who will be able to earn a living this year, but I hate NBA coverage. I specifically hate ESPN's NBA coverage. They're financially interested in pushing the NBA on the general public so they're also interested in making people believe the NBA is something that everyone cares about. It isn't. The other day Sportscenter led off their show with 20 minutes of discussion about a Chris Paul trade to the Lakers that never happened. The nonstop tweeting about it wasn't fun either.

I was enjoying Sportscenter this fall when the Top 10 wasn't inundated with lame dunk highlights, and when the news staff and anchors actually had to go back to covering hockey. As soon as the NBA season starts I'm done with ESPN for good.

For others like me tired by the "Worldwide Leader", Versus, soon to be NBC Sports Network, has a daily show on at 6 called NBC Sports Talk that is FANTASTIC. I can't stress enough how good it is. It feels the way Sportscenter used to in the 90's before they became Disney-owned and self-interested. Watch it, it's great.

That's Three Things.

Three Things #1

2011-12-12T16:12:00.001-05:00

1 Where the Bengals lost to Houston.
The Bengals lost to the Houston Texans 20-19 despite facing Houston's third string quarterback, leading at halftime 16-3, and leading 19-10 at the beginning of the fourth quarter.

Most people would point to the TJ Yates to Kevin Walter touchdown pass with 2 seconds left that lost the game, but there was a moment in the third quarter where the Bengals could've easily put away the game and literally botched it.

Arian Foster fumbled on Houston's own 20. Geno Atkins recovered and returned it the 10, but then fumbled it himself. With two Bengals converging on the now loose ball, one of which has been identified as Reggie Nelson, both tried to pick up and run with the ball rather than falling on it like they teach you in Pop Warner. The two Bengals knocked the ball away from one another and into the arms of a Houston Texan.

So deep in Houston territory, at worst it would've given the Bengals a field goal and a 12 point lead. At best, a touchdown and a 16 point lead.

2 The Bengals playoff Chances May be Sunk.
That measily one point may end up keeping the Bengals from playing in the postseason. A win would've given them an 8-5 record instead of the 7-6 mark they now sport.

The loss dropped them 1 game back of a playoff spot with three to play. It'll likely require victories in the last 3 games to get to 10-6 if they want to make the playoffs. Even then they'll probably need some help with losses by the Jets, Titans, and Raiders.

The last three games consist of a road battle against the hapless Rams and then two home dates with the Cardinals and Ravens. 3-0 in those three games is entirely possible, but you never know in the NFL. The Rams beat New Orleans earlier this season, the Cardinals are 6-1 in their last 7, and the Ravens are the Ravens (though by week 17 they could be resting starters).

The Bengals have never finished strong in the Marvin Lewis era, and they're 1-4 in their last 5. At this point I'm not even confident they'll finish above 8-8.

3. Standard Weekend for the Blue Jackets
The Blue Jackets went 0-1-1 on Thursday and Saturday nights. On Thursday it looked like they were gonna cruise to a 3-1 victory over rival Nashville. That is, until they went into Scott Arniel's awesome prevent defense. The Predators cut the deficit to 1 with a goal with 1:25 left in the game. Sammy Pahlsson took a penalty that can only be described as stupid, and Nashville tied the game with 12 seconds left. Before the Blue Jackets could settle themselves into overtime, the Preds ended it with a Colin Wilson goal. A two point W turned into 1 point L in the span of about 5 minutes.

On Saturday, before a packed Nationwide Arena the Blue Jackets jumped out to a 2-0 lead on the defending Stanley Cup champions. Boston scored twice within a minute just before the first period ended. Zdeno Chara then gave the Bruins a 3-2 lead with one of his hyperspeed slapshots. Then this happened:

Not only was Derek Dorsett injured, which is a shame because he's been on fire lately, playing the best hockey of his career, but they also called him for goaltender interference. Let me point out that he was the puck carrier, Tim Thomas iniated contact, AND Thomas was out of the crease. It's the worst call I've ever seen in 24 years of watching hockey. In that clip you can hear Boston's Jack Edwards. Edwards is notorious for his homerrific play-by-play tendencies so if Jack Edwards thought it was a bad call, it's a horrible call.

RJ Umberger evened the game at 3 late in the 2nd, but Boston would net 2 goals in the third for a 5-3 win. It was a wild raucous energy in the building which made for a fun night, but it was not a fun outcome.

The Blue Jackets can play with the NHL's best, but it's hard when they hurt themselves by not controlling better in-game momentum swings, and when the officials so consistently favor the other side.

That's three things.

Three Things

2011-12-12T15:25:00.000-05:00

Despite becoming less active with my blogging in recent months, traffic has increased. I think this means people are clamoring for me and that I'm going to have to start writing more often.

So new segment: every few days I'm going to write about three things that I think are funny, bother me, or needs to be discussed, but don't feel are worth my usual term-paper like scope.

The three things will most likely fall within the realm of sports, but don't be surprised to see some movies, TV shows, food, or anything else come up in the discussion.

Why Realignment is Great News for the Columbus Blue Jackets

2011-12-06T16:29:00.001-05:00

A year ago (Happy 1 year Birthday Sports Hate Me!) I wrote a piece about how the NHL should realign their current conference structure (found here: Realigning Hockey). Putting it briefly, it outlined that the NHL doesn't really need divisions when the NHL postseason is determined by conference standings. Last night, the National Hockey League's BOG of governors proposed, and member teams voted 26 in favor, and four in disapproval, a realignment plan that is absolutely nothing like the one I drew up 13 months ago.

This isn't to say that I'm not pleased with the new alignment. Staying in the old system could've proven a death penalty for a struggling franchise in Columbus whose position in the strong Western Conference has been a huge obstacle.

2/15's of the obstacle

When realignment discussions began last year, we were all concerned the league would do the impractical thing and appease Detroit at the expense of the Blue Jackets by sending them to the Eastern Conference to take Atlanta's place. Thankfully this didn't happen and a more fair compromise appears to have been struck.

The new system will level the playing field in terms of travel, will bring every NHL team to Columbus at least once a year, will spice up the already fantastic playoffs by guaranteeing playoff rivalry matchups, and will greatly reduce the number of games played in the western time zone.

Here's how the new setup will work:

- Instead of two conferences with three divisions of five teams, we now have four conferences, two with 8 teams and two of seven teams.

- The top 4 in each conference will make the postseason. The first two rounds will be played within each team's conference. The #1 seed plays the #4 seed, the #2 seed will play the #3 seed, and the winners will meet in the second round for the conference championship. After the second round the final four teams will be reseeded based on regular season records.

- In addition to shuffling the divisional lineups, the schedule also underwent a complete overhaul. This alignment plan allows for a balanced slate. The new schedule has every team playing every other team at least twice every year, once at home and once on the road. This means that every NHL team will play in every NHL city every year. This isn't the case right now - Pittsburgh, for example, won't visit Columbus this year.

- In the seven-team Conferences, teams would play six times -- three home, three away -- for a total of 36 inter-division games. In the eight-team Conferences, teams would play either five or six times in a season on a rotating basis -- for a total of 38 inter-division games.

- The teams in the seven-team Conferences will have 46 out-of-conference games, including 23 at home and 23 on the road. The teams in the eight-team Conferences will have 44 out-of-conference games evenly split between home and away.

In the end, this will make things more fair than it is now. In past years worse teams have beaten out stronger teams for the playoffs by virtue of playing in a weak division. That can't happen in the new system.

- The new conferences will shake down like this:

CONFERENCE A: Anaheim, Calgary, Colorado, Edmonton, Los Angeles, Phoenix, San Jose, Vancouver

CONFERENCE B: Chicago, COLUMBUS, Dallas, Detroit, Minnesota, Nashville, St. Louis, Winnipeg

CONFERENCE C: Boston, Buffalo, Florida, Montreal, Ottawa, Tampa Bay, Toronto

CONFERENCE D: Carolina, New Jersey, New York Islanders, New York Rangers, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, Washington

- other than the curious pairing of Tampa/Florida with their five Northeastern conference mates, that's a solid compromise for everyone. Rivalries were maintained and geography was a top priority in forming the new conferences. The Central division remained completely intact and added 2 great hockey cities in Winnipeg and St. Paul/Minneapolis. They also added Dallas, which has proven themselves as a hockey supportive city in times of success.

3 Reasons this is Great for the Blue Jackets

- Less travel.

The current schedule means the Blue Jackets have two swings to Western Canada to play in Calgary, Edmonton, and Vancouver. And two swings to California to play in Anaheim, Los Angeles, and San Jose. The new schedule cuts the number of trips in half, which also cuts travel expenses to Western Canada and California in half.

Less travel is also easier on a hockey team and the Blue Jackets, currently the Eastern-most team in the Western Conference, were traveling more than any other NHL club, a tremendous competitive disadvantage.

Speaking of competitive disadvantages, the home-and-home series mean the teams in the Eastern Conference will actually have to travel more than they currently do, which evens things up with their brothers in the midwest.

- Making the playoffs will be easier.

The Blue Jackets have had to deal with a strong Western Conference ever since joining the NHL in 2000, only cracking the top 8 once. In the new system their chances of reaching the playoffs actually dropped to a nice, round 50%. That said, beating out Minnesota, St. Louis, Winnipeg, Dallas, and Nashville for one of the two last spots (We're gonna go ahead and pencil in Chicago and Detroit for the #1 and #2 seeds for the rest of forever) seems far less daunting than beating out 11 other teams for the final 4 spots in the West. It won't be "easy", but it won't be nearly as hard as it currently is.

Bonus: Now I finally have a reason to hate Winnipeg, Manitoba. Did I say Winnipeg? I meant Loserpeg! FOLKS!

Winnipeg, Manitoba. Look at em, they're just sitting there.

- Every team will play in Columbus every year.

One, this means that the superstars in the NHL will be at Nationwide Arena at least once every year. That means Ovechkin, Stamkos, Crosby, Seguin, Kessell, the Stalls, Tim Thomas, Ryan Miller, etc will get to be seen by central Ohio hockey fans.

Two, and I hate to say it, but being invaded by Penguins fans once a year is good for the Blue Jackets' wallets. The game last year when we were outnumbered by Pittsburghers was the most embarrassed I've been as a Blue Jackets fan (and that's saying something! huyuck), but it was a sell-out. It's good for the city if fans from other cities come to the games, spend money on tickets, spend money on hotels, in restaurants, bars, and stores.

With Columbus being the centrally located city it is, and with its population boom, it is easy to get to and is home to many displaced and relocated hockey fans who can now be guaranteed that they'll get to see their team live once a year. It can only be good for Columbus and the Blue Jackets if more teams come through Nationwide Arena every year.

There's no perfect solution, but this is a solid compromise that appeases the teams who suffered under the current alignment and doesn't do much to alienate the beneficiaries of the old model. It's no Sean McCarthy plan (*winking emoticon*), but it looks like it will be the system the league operates under for years to come, and I'm more than okay with that.

Stacked To The MAC

2011-12-04T09:22:00.001-05:00

At halftime of last night's MAC Championship game I scrolled through the boisterous (and wildly premature) victory tweets and facebook status updates of my large and incredibly attractive network of Ohio University friends and colleagues. Reading these, a thought ever so briefly rolled through my OU-educated head, "We haven't won yet, guys.", but then I shooed that notion away and instead thought about how I would've partied this moment if I was still in college in Athens, Ohio.

Then I did this.

It's customary to leave at halftime of OU games after the Marching 110's performed. Not everybody exits Peden Stadium, but a large majority of the students who started the game, will not be in their seats for the second half. Nobody's quite sure when this started, but it's a real phenomenon. Maybe it began with all the years of god-awful Ohio U football teams when the only reason to go to the games was to see the fantastic marching band (link to party rock anthem). Maybe it's because MAC games are often broadcast during the middle of the week and students are trying to get a jump on the nightlight in Athens where every night is a party. Whatever it is, this is noted and accepted behavior.

It's possible that the Bobcats football team followed Blotto's lead and the lead of the student body because the team didn't show up in the second half either. The first half Bobcats played with an angry edge. They were underdogs to Northern Illinois and played with confidence and poise. Quarterback Tyler Tettleton and wideout Levon Brazill couldn't go wrong and by the end of the first two quarters OU held a 20-0 lead. Northern Illinois couldn't stop turning the ball over and it looked like the Bobcats were going to stroll to their first conference championship since 1968.

The second half Bobcats did not resemble the one who decidedly claimed the MAC East title weeks earlier, or the first half team that, out of the blocks, dumptrucked the MAC West champion.

They gave up a touchdown on Northern Illinois' first possession of the second half. Levon Brazill dropped a touchdown ball that would've extended the lead to 27-7 at the time. Matt Weller, so many times the hero on the season, pushed the ball wide right on that possession's field goal attempt. OU failed to score in the second half and watched as mistakes, turnovers, defensive lapses, and to their credit, Northern Illinois' adjustments wittled away their precious lead. With 8 minutes left and a 20-13 lead, Tyler Tettleton was picked off at the 50 on a spectacular catch by a Husky defensive back. With 4 minutes left NIU tied the game, then the OU players and fans (of which my younger sister was apart of) were forced to watch the Huskies celebrate as the game winning field goal cleared the uprights as time expired.

It was one of the most spectacular choke-jobs I've ever seen. It's the kind of choke-job that you can see happening. Everyone in the stadium knows it's happening, including the team it's happening to, which makes it even worse. There's good momentum, but there's also bad momentum, and in the second half OU couldn't stop the snowball of bad momentum.

When you're a fan of a MAC school the best you can hope for is a conference championship and a bowl victory. Last night I watched helplessly as a slow motion car accident unfolded in front of me and ripped the former from my and my OU network's grasp.

It's been a year since The Sports Weekend From Hell. Maybe there's something about this particular date on the calendar.

Sports Hate Me, but at least us Bobcats can still be proud of one thing: The 2010-2011 National Partying Championship. I'll drink to that.

Jeff Carter's Worth: More Than Goals

2011-09-24T14:44:00.002-04:00

Columbus Blue Jackets General Manager, Scott Howson, aka "Roster Ninja", made the biggest acquisition in franchise history in late June when he traded the team's first round pick from 2007 (promising youngster Jake Voracek) and the team's 2011 first round pick (which eventually became Sean Couturier out of the QMJHL) to Philadelphia for the Flyers' all-star center, Jeff Carter.

He previously understudied for N*sync

The Carter trade signaled a shift in attitude for a franchise desperate to win now and that's what Jeff Carter brings, the ability to win now. Carter's averaged goals in the mid 30's over the last 4 seasons, including 46 in 2008-2009 (Read: good). There's no question that he'll score goals for the Blue Jackets, but his ability brings so much more than just basic point production. Here's several reasons why Carter's presence makes the Blue Jackets an instantly better team.

Rick Nash

The words, "Imagine how great he could be if they could just get him some help" have followed Rick Nash for his entire career. Nash is one of the league's premier talents, but one player can not carry a team in the National Hockey League. With constant double teams, and game-plans centered around him, Nash has been left on an island for all 8 years he's been in the league.

Playing Carter at center with Nash on the wing essentially forces teams to pick their poison when game-planning for the Blue Jackets. Do you focus on the massive power forward in Nash or do you focus on the smooth skating centerman with one of the game's nastiest wrist shots in Carter? Neither is desirable for any opposing defense and both players will benefit from the others presence.

Worst case scenario, Carter and Nash fail to develop any chemistry and the Blue Jackets roll with a 30 goal-scorer on each of their top two lines.

Rick Nash: Mr. Blue Jacket

If Rick Nash is anything like me, then he jumped on his bed and threw out a few hearty fist pumps upon hearing the news of Jeff Carter's acquisition. Carter will allow Nash to finally realize his true potential.

Ryan Johansen

Ryan Johansen of the Portland Winterhawks was taken 4th overall by the Blue Jackets in the 2010 draft. He's a big kid with the ability to take over games by himself and a knack for putting the puck in the net. He potted 40 goals in 63 games with Portland in the WHL a year ago, was one of the best players at the World Juniors, and has a high ceiling. (Read: good) He is the future of the franchise.

Johansen is too young by rule to play for the Blue Jackets' minor league affiliate in Springfield, but he may be too advanced to go back to dominating juniors, and there's always concern about pushing a guy into the NHL before he's ready. It's a tricky situation, or at least, it would've been in the past.

By scouts' accounts, the Blue Jackets have another Nash/Carter waiting in the wings

Blue Jackets fans are weary of rushing prospects to the big team. We've seen that movie before. The tale of Gilbert Brule still resonates worry amongst the Union Blue faithful, but Brule's sad-sack story of NHL potential soured by playing in the league long before he was ready will be different from the scenario that Johansen faces.

Brule was hurried to the NHL by former General Manager Doug Maclean (one day I'll write a piece about the damage Maclean did to the franchise, and my so-called "Florida Panthers Theory"). He was forced to play second line minutes and against second line talent. It swallowed him up and killed his confidence. He never reached his advertised potential or returned to the player he was in juniors. The teams Brule played with didn't have the depth that the current group has and Brule was made to play above his head.

Jeff Carter allows centerman Derrick Brassard (who's been playing over his own head the last few years) to move to the second line. Brassard on the second line allows the team to play Johansen in a minor role as a third or fourth line center meaning the Blue Jackets can ease him into the NHL. If he proves he's capable they can move Johansen up and give him more ice time. It's really the ideal situation for a young player of Johansen's caliber and similar to the model Boston used last year when breaking in Tyler Seguin.

The Power Play

Scott Howson also went out and signed free agent defenseman James Wisniewski who showed last season his prowess as a power play quarterback. This will benefit the club as Carter is adept at burying chances set up by others.

The power play was a serious problem last year for the Jackets as they finished 29th in power play percentage converting on just 14% of their man-up opportunities (Read: bad). Sidenote: As point of reference, Vancouver with the #1 PP unit scored on 24.4% of their powerplays.

Jeff Carter and Wisniewski will make the power play more dangerous. This means more goals, but it also brings up positive side-effects that come with having a deadly powerplay unit. If teams are fearful of going a man-down they'll be more careful about committing penalties. Expect cheap shots and violent hits against the Blue Jackets to decrease in 2011-2012 and expect the offense to be given slightly more space to operate. Even when playing 5-on-5 the threat of a dangerous power play keeps teams from bearing down defensively and opens everything up.

The Defense/Steve Mason

This one is pretty simple, Jeff Carter is a decent two-way player and he back-checks and plays defense. Even more though, Carter means the Blue Jackets will possess the puck more, which means they won't have to play defense as often. This means Steve Mason will see fewer shots and give up fewer goals. It's a team sport, everybody wins.

Conclusion

Jeff Carter brings point production and offensive credibility to a team that has lacked it for going on 11 years now, but he also elevates the entire team by simply being who he is and wearing a Blue Jackets sweater. Combine "Tha Carter 7" (I'm hoping this Lil Wayne inspired nickname catches on) with the rest of the NHL pickups by Howson this offseason and this is on paper the best team the Columbus Blue Jackets have ever iced. 2011-2012 will be a good year for playoff starved hockey fans in Columbus.

I don't know about you, but I can't wait.

Revisiting "The Sandlot"

2011-08-19T16:02:00.005-04:00

The Sandlot is a movie made in the early 90's about kids in the early 60's trying to retrieve a Babe Ruth baseball from the early 30's.

It is, by all accounts, a modern classic that managed to capture the spirit of summer, youth, baseball's golden age, and the imagination possessed by all 12 year old boys. This movie delivered us some of the best character names of all time - "Benny the Jet", "Smalls", "Squints", "Ham", "Timmy and Tommy Timmons", and "Yeah Yeah". Without exaggeration, I've easily seen it 100 times.

They made a straight-to-video sequel years later, but we all agreed as a country not to talk about it.

The Sandlot represented a time when giant vacant lots could be used as makeshift ball fields for adolescent kids. If it weren't for all the racial tension, intolerance, social inequality, and still largely primitive healthcare, I 'd say the early 60's would be a good time to go back to.

That said, here's 5 things that have always bugged me about this movie:

5. Benny blows up a baseball/hits the ball directly into Smalls' glove

In the first scene when Smalls is accepted onto the team Benny seemingly teaches him all the rules of baseball by telling him to hold his glove in the air and then hitting a perfect ball from home plate to left field that lands in Smalls' outstretched glove. After that Smalls fits in and is just as good at baseball as the other guys who have played together for years. That could happen in theory, but it's highly improbable.

What's impossible is what Benny does later. Facing pitches at the plate, he connects with one, completely blowing the cover off and turning the ball into a bundle of yarn. That has literally never happened, ever, and this 7th grader just did it.

I get that Benny is good at baseball, but there's no need to make him magically good at baseball.

He was still the coolest kid ever, though.

4. Benny the Jet Steals Home
- Spoiler: Benny the Jet Rodriquez makes it to the big leagues and plays for the hometown Dodgers. That's a no brainer. I mean, he can destroy baseballs with a single swing and accurately hit a stationary target with a ball and bat from 200 feet away.

Additional Spoiler: Smalls grows up to be the Dodgers' play-by-play man, which is almost sacrilegious, considering the role Vin Scully has played as the Dodgers' real life play-by-play man for over a half century. It'd be similar to the Smalls character growing up to be the pope.

In the last scene Benny steals home to win a major league game. I'm not denying the plausibility of this. Benny was pretty fast when he was running from 'The Beast' and exposition throughout the movie has clearly painted him as an excellent baseball player. I'm denying the amount of time it takes him to do it. A major league baseball player can run from one base to the next in 3 seconds or less. By my count, it takes Smalls 8 seconds to call the action from the time Benny leaves 3rd and before he's safe at home.

Benny would've been out by 5 steps. Further aggravating is after he's won the game, Benny turns and gives his buddy in the announcers' booth a cloyingly cheesy thumbs up. Does this mean that every time Benny does anything good on the baseball field he turns around and points his thumb at the grandstand? That's something crazy people would do. Before he stole home Smalls insinuated that Benny's had a long career in the majors. If he's a major league veteran shouldn't he be over giving his boyhood friend a thumbs up anytime something good happens?

"Smalls, I've grown a moustache since we were kids"

3. Smalls' fishing hat at the end of the movie
- Also in the last scene, Smalls is shown in the Dodgers broadcasters booth. We know we're looking at grown up Smalls because he's wearing the goofy fishing hat that he was wearing at the beginning of the movie. You know, the hat he wore as a 12 year old for all of one scene?

This hat

A. Who keeps any article of clothing they had when they were 12? Who would even want to keep anything they wore when they were 12? Do you remember what you wore when you were 12? Are you still wearing it? Of course you're not.

B. The hat doesn't even fit and does he wear it every game? If so, he's probably the topic of conversation amongst his coworkers when he's not around and the conversation is, "what the f*ck is with that stupid fish hat he's always wearing? Have you seen it? It's 30 years old, at least, and it doesn't even fit his head!"

C. I realize this is the director's way of explaining who we're looking at, but a name-plate on a desk, one line of introductory dialogue ("I'm Scott Smalls and you're listening to the home of the Dodgers"), and the problem is solved without making Smalls look like a 40 year old werido.

2. The Night Game
- On the 4th of July all the kids get together because the fireworks provide enough light for them to play a night game so they can "feel like big leaguers". There's a few flaws with this. One, have you ever seen a fireworks show longer than 20 minutes? Red, White and Boom in Columbus is massive and I can't remember that lasting longer than a half hour. 20 minutes isn't long enough to play 2 innings, but apparently this small town neighborhood fireworks show has the pyrotechnic budget of U2.

Second, fireworks, even during big finales do not provide enough light to play baseball. Go outside tonight, turn on your backyard spotlight, throw a baseball in the air and try not to run away screaming once you lose it in the sky. That's what playing baseball by fireworks light would be like. Fireworks shows have breaks in the action where nothing is happening. Trying to play baseball during a fireworks show would be like trying to play baseball with a strobe light.

1. The Puke Scene
- To celebrate their trip to the neighborhood carnival all the boys take a hunk of Big Chief chewing tobacco and then proceed to hop on the Tilt-a-Whirl. This results in every single one of them puking not only on themselves, but all over innoncent victims below the ride.

My issue with this? It's not that 12 year olds were dipping, it's that the ride continues to operate even after they've all ralphed. Have you ever seen someone puke on a ride at an amusement park? They shut the ride down. People run for the hills screaming. 3 guys in hazmat suits come in and hose it off. If one kid pukes, the ride is immediately stopped. It doesn't continue so 8 more kids can puke.

"Bertram got really into the 60's. Nobody really knows what happened to him."

----------------------------

All that not-withstanding, it's just a movie, a Disney movie at that, a really good Disney movie at that, and it more than makes up for its flaws, but having caught it on TV last night for the first time in awhile, I thought it up to me to document my frustrations. Thanks for listening.

Follow me on twitter @TheUnionBlue for sports coverage or @McSean3 for poop jokes.

The Coolest Coffee Table in the World

2011-08-18T15:40:00.005-04:00

The hockey season doesn't start for another 50 days and I'm bored out of my mind. The Reds are tanking, and the Bengals aren't showing any signs of promise. The Blue Jackets on the other hand are about to ice the best team they've ever had (on paper) and I've never been more excited for NHL hockey in Columbus. So with this extended break in the news cycle, I thought I'd share the story of something I hold near and dear - my coffee table.

One day, like any other day, I was sitting in my 8th grade study hall doing whatever it is 8th grade boys do (I know it wasn't studying) when I was introduced to something that would go on to have a deep and profound impact on my life - Ms. Ringo's penny hockey board.

Some rules for the uniniated: penny hockey is a children's game in which two players sit at opposite ends of a wooden box made with retaining edges, pegs, and then a penny sized hole at each end. The main objective is to slide a penny into the hole at the opposite end. First to 5 goals, 10 goals, whatever, wins.

As soon as this thing was brought out of the closet every dude in the study hall took to it. We abandoned "Oregon Trail" and penny hockey became our new obsession. We formed the National Penny Hockey Association or NPHA. We had player standings, power rankings, regular seasons, and weekly tournaments. We even had a league commissioner. It was the most fun you could have at school outside field day. (sidenote: remember field day?)

Fast forward 8 years to an older, wiser, fatter, hairier, junior-in-college version of me. I can remember exactly when and where the idea came to me. I was sitting in my History of Oil class (a fascinating class taught by one of Ohio University's best professors. Take it. I promise, you'll thank me) thinking about the Columbus Blue Jackets game from the night before. They had lost at Detroit. It was a particularly aggravating loss because Michael Peca had a chance to score the tying goal late for the Jackets, but missed a wide open net trying to switch from his backhand to his forehand.

It was at that moment that I thought back to my 8th grade study hall and penny hockey. Then it came. My idea hit me like a tidal wave of epiphany. **** - Penny hockey coffee table Blue Jackets! - ****

It was such a perfect idea that it came together almost instantly. I found the board in my parents' crawlspace, old wooden hockey sticks collected over 15 years of youth hockey participation made up the dashers, and my friends at Visionary Signs were kind enough to print my artwork for free.

The finished product looked as good as it did in my head.

It wasn't until I was finished that I even realized this thing had a more practical use - as the basis for a drinking game. I took it back to my house in Athens and it was there that my roommates and I, through much trial and error, developed the rules to "Beer Hockey".

Beer hockey is simple. It's like penny hockey, but everytime you finish a beer you get to place the empty can in front of your goal to use as a defender.

So thanks, Ms. Ringo, for your penny hockey table, for letting us play with it instead of studying in study hall, for giving me the idea for the coolest coffee table ever built, and for giving me something to write about in the middle of the slowest month on the sports calendar.

The Cincinnati (F)Reds

2011-07-27T16:00:00.007-04:00

The "Freds" is a nickname my father has long used to refer to our household's favorite Major League Baseball team, the Cincinnati Reds. "Freds" simply means, "Fu*king Reds" and it's usually accompanied by at least four exclamation points sometimes while smashing a wooden hockey stick on a basketball pole in the backyard after Roy Halladay no-hits them in their first playoff game since 1995. That may or may not have happened.

Or it could stand as an expression on the name Fred and that people and characters named Fred tend to be bumbling dufuses. See: Fred Flintstone. I prefer "Fu*king Reds", but that's the beauty in the nickname. It can exist as clean or dirty at the same time.

Just like Fred Flintstone. Wilma!!

It's applicable for any situation in which the Reds manage to botch a game or it can be used to generalize a long grueling season, which up until last year was most of them. It works in any instance. "What time do the Freds lose today?", or "Who are the Freds losing to today?" or in twitter-speak, "I hate Francisco Cordero so much!!!!! #FReds".

2010 was a mostly Fred-free season. The team won games in every fashion and a magical presence seemed to permeate the locker-room. See: Jay Bruce's walkoff home run to clinch the division in October. That doesn't happen without some Harry Potter voodoo. This year that magic has inexplicably fallen on teams like the Pirates and the Indians. The Reds are dried out.

Maybe we spent it all?

The 2011 Reds, despite a nearly identical roster to 2010, lack that little extra indescribable quality that makes winning baseball teams winning baseball teams. So here we are, Freds again. 50-53 on the season and with the expectations placed on this team in spring training and with the cooky ways they've found to lose games, this may the Freddiest Reds team I've ever seen.

The good news is that there's ten weeks left in the season and the Redlegs are only 5 games out of first place. The National League Central is easily the worst division in baseball and we Reds fans should feel fortunate we're not in the East or West where we'd be a combined 93 games out to the Phillies and Giants (math may be inaccurate). Look at the NFL team Cincinnati has to look forward to and you'll see why we need the Reds to carry us to October.

5 games? Larger deficits have been overcome in shorter amounts of time by dozens of teams. We keep telling ourselves that they haven't played to their potential, that the 2010 Reds are going to show up any week now, that the starters are going to start going later, that the relievers are going to stop blowing leads, that the lineup is going to start delivering with runners in scoring position. The Brewers aren't that good, that the Cardinals lack bullpen, that Larussa is a maniac who does more harm than good, that the Pirates are gonna come back down to earth. That the Reds should waltz to the division title by default.

We keep telling ourselves those things, but it's late July and they're not here yet. Maybe this is our team. Maybe it's not going to get better. Maybe this year we're just back to being the "Freds".

Tell me I'm wrong.

"Will he touch it?"

2011-05-24T12:15:00.001-04:00

With Vancouver up 3 games to 1 on San Jose and Boston leading Tampa Bay 3-2 the yearly question arises, will the captain of either team pick up the conference championship trophy? This year that decision will likely fall on Henrik Sedin of the Canucks and Zdeno Chara of the Bruins, but does evidence show that maybe they should embrace the moment and dance with the Clarence Campbell Bowl or Prince of Wales Trophy?

Here's a chart

Teams that refuse to touch the conference championship trophy are 5-6 in the finals. In years when one team picks up the trophy and the other doesn't, the team that celebrated with the trophy is 4-3. I'd embrace the moment and party with the trophy while I had the chance. Carpe diem. Seize the trophy.

Updated: Neither Henrik Sedin or Zdeno Chara picked up their respective conference trophy. Taking a page from the 2006 Hurricanes, the Bruins took a team picture surrounding the Prince of Wales Trophy, but not a single player touched it. Incidentally, both captains are European. Meaning, for just the second time ever a European captain will lift the Stanley Cup. Nik Lidstrom of the Detroit Red Wings was the first.

Columbus Blue Jackets Alternate Uniform Project

2011-05-10T14:38:00.012-04:00

About a year ago when I heard the Blue Jackets were going to add an alternate jersey I became obsessed with the idea that the team would finally implement a primary logo using civil war soldier imagery in reference to their namesake. Instead of studying or reading or doing anything vaguely related to college schoolwork I spent an inordinate amount of time drawing an alternate logo for my favorite hockey team. Somehow I still ended up graduating. On time too. Go Bobcats!

This is that logo

The 'C' stands for "Columbus"

For the record, his name is "Sgt. Atticus McArthur". If I were a Civil War buff, he'd be named after someone real, probably someone who actually had some historical influence and relevance to Columbus or Ohio, at the very least. Instead, he's named after a guy I made up.

Now that I look at it, I'm not going to pretend that I think this could've adorned the Blue Jackets' sweaters. I couldn't even figure out a good way to illustrate his eyes so I just let the cap cover them. One thing I am proud of though is that the left side of his face, minus the nose, is intentionally supposed to vaguely resemble the state of Ohio. It's one of those little subtle nuances that artists put into their work. This one is so subtle that it has to be pointed out to everyone.

I'm realistic about this now, but at the time, however, I had a horrible case of delusion. Delusions of grandeur, as they say. I imagined sharing the design with the internet, someone with the team catching wind of it and then showing it to CBJ brass. They'd say, "We love your design, and we'd like the team to wear it. Here's a 100 grand and the rights to all merchandise royalties. Also, we need a 5'10 left winger, how'd you like to suit up? We're playing Detroit tonight and we'd like you to whack Todd Bertuzzi in the face with your stick."

Incredibly, the scenario didn't play out that way and like geocities or myspace, my designs were lost to the internet. Instead this is what the team went with:

They hired a pro who ripped a soccer crest and stripped the uniform of red. But I spent a lot of time on my work and I'd like to share them. So here they are. (click to expand)

This was inspired by the Team USA jerseys and large block letters on the front of jerseys have been in vogue in the NHL recently.

Which would you prefer? What they actually went with, or mine? I guess I'd choose what they actually went with, but I'm self-disparaging that way.

And because I recently met someone who didn't believe that I used to play hockey, here's a picture of me playing hockey.

Whenever I tell people from small backwoods/hilljack towns that I played hockey they act like I told them that I walked on the moon or that I used to live in the white house. They're even more surprised to learn that my high school had an actual varsity ice hockey team. One day, this time of year will be filled with Blue Jackets playoff articles, but for right now, this will have to do. Thanks for reading.

Promising Start Turns Sour: The Story of the 2010-2011 Columbus Blue Jackets

2011-05-10T10:56:00.002-04:00

I got a text at 3:30 from some college buddies saying they wanted to go to the game that night. I told them I’d meet them downtown so we could get in together. It wasn’t until 6:45 when I was told they hadn’t left Athens until 5:45. Athens is an hour and a half from Columbus. The puck drop was scheduled for 7:06 pm. They didn’t make it.

I found myself alone, downtown, wearing the new Columbus Blue Jackets third jersey. I must’ve looked lonely because a scalper zoned in on me like I was a prize buck.

“Single?!?!”

“Yeah, where’s the seat?”

“Four rows behind Steve Mason”

“how much?”

“uhh, $40?”

(inner monologue: Sean, you’re not in college anymore. You have a job. YES! Say yes) “uhhhh, yeeeee...sold”

Not bad for $40 scalp, eh?

By the time I walked into Nationwide Arena the game was already five minutes old and the Blue Jackets trailed the Phoenix Coyotes 2-0. I took my lonely ticket and sat with families and friends that I didn’t know. “Great, I’m the biggest loser in the arena and the Jackets are going to get blown out.” Fast forward to the third period and the Blue Jackets hold five unanswered goals, rookie Matt Calvert beams with only the second rookie hat trick in CBJ history, I charmed the guys around me, and the crowd is raucous. Raucous like the crowds of seasons 1, 2, and 3 before Columbus became jaded and tired of watching a lousy team.

The crowd was thirsty. Thirsty for more games like this one, thirsty for action in the Stanley Cup playoffs that seemingly every other fanbase gets to experience. It was a playoff atmosphere and the ‘W’ moved the Blue Jackets to within two points of only their second playoff berth. It was the best game I’d been to all season, and I went alone on a day when I had no intentions of watching NHL hockey. The best experiences are always the ones you don’t plan.

After the game the Jackets embarked on a road trip that we all knew would go a long way to determine their playoff fortunes. They went 0-3-2, and the negative momentum dropped them out of the hunt. They missed the playoffs for the ninth time in ten years.

The team jumped out to their best start ever. A 14-6 mark that sportscubstats.com gave a 96% chance of making the playoffs. Through all past NHL situations, and 1000 simulations, 96% of the teams who started 14-6 made the playoffs. We were the 4%. On the last day of November the Jackets played a home game against the Detroit Red Wings for first place in the Western Conference. We lost. A promising start turns sour can basically sum up the story of the 10 year history of the Columbus Blue Jackets.

Highs

- November 17-20, 2010 California Sweep. Early in the season the Blue Jackets went out west and swept California for the first time. They took 3 games from the Kings, Ducks, and Sharks in a 4 day span. Rick Nash potted a hat-trick in the final game in San Jose. All three California teams qualified for the post-season, which incidentally is more playoffs teams than

Canada

had.

- November 10, 2010 “Soccer-gate”. A lot of NHL teams warm up before the games by kicking a soccer ball in the tunnel under the stands. Blue Jackets alternate captain, RJ Umberger, started an altercation with the St. Louis Blues who he felt were too close to the Jackets’ locker-room. It almost came to blows before security broke it up. Umberger showed pride for the franchise that so many fans yearn for and the team backed him up by thumping the Blues 8-1.

- February 25, 2011 Aforementioned game against Phoenix. Matt Calvert scored a natural hat trick and the Blue Jackets came up big against a playoff team in a game they needed to win. It marked the 8^th win in the last ten games and those two points put the CBJ back into the playoff mix.

- February 8, 2011 4-1 win in Pittsburgh. Small revenge for the December game in Columbus.

Lows

- December 4, 2010. "The Penguins Game". An estimated 10,000 Penguins showed up to watch their team play at Nationwide Arena. Unfortunately for Blue Jackets fans, Nationwide Arena is in Columbus. It was bad enough that the Penguins fans took over the arena, but the Blue Jackets didn't show up either, losing 7-2. It was made even worse by the Penguins fans behavior who were the most obnoxious, boorish, drunk idiot visiting fans I've ever had to deal with. It's easily the worst game I can remember in ten years of going to Blue Jackets games.

- February 27 - March 7, 2011 "The Road Trip". The Jackets left for the last big road trip of the season with an 8-1-1 record in their last ten and two points out of a playoff spot. They returned with an 0-3-2 record on the trip recording two out of a possible ten points. It started with a third period collapse against Nashville (where they've lost 17 straight games), a shootout loss in Vancouver, a 4-2 loss in Edmonton (the worst team in the NHL), a 4-3 loss in Calgary, and a shootout loss in St. Louis. The 5 game roadie killed any momentum they had and delivered the blow that pretty much ended any chance of a playoff visit.

MVP

Rick Nash

This basically by default, but Nash is one of the best players in the world. He scored 32 goals, 34 assists for 66 points on the season and was a +2, a rarity in Columbus. All of that done with little to no help. This sounds like a broken record, but if the organization can find Nash a number one center, he'll reach his potential. Let's hope that happens before Nash runs out of prime years. He's 26 right now, but if he hangs on a little while longer, first round pick Ryan Johannsen should be in the NHL next few seasons and he has the skill to deliver the puck to Rick.

Honorable Mention

RJ Umberger

Bright Spots

Matt Calvert

Calvert showed signs of promise in his half season with the big club. He scored 11 goals with 9 assists. Calvert has the potential to develop into a top 6 forward. At the very least, he'll be a capable third liner in the NHL.

Grant Clitsome

That's his real name. Clitsome came up mid season from Springfield of the AHL and instantly provided help on the blue line and showed signs of being that puck moving defenseman that every team is looking for. Clitsome had 19 points in 31 games, and was +2. All solid numbers for a defenseman, plus his name is Clitsome. His work on the power play is encouraging for a power play unit that ranked 29th in the league. Try to guess his nickname in the locker-room.

Scott Arniel

Arniel inherited a team with a lot of problems in his first season as a head coach in the NHL. The players seem to like him enough and his system is the kind that wins games in today's NHL. The problem is the Blue Jackets don't yet have the personnel to play the system, but Arniel has shown that he's willing to play to the style of what he has rather than trying to cram players into a system they aren't built for, which was the problem with old coach, Ken Hitchcock.

Problems

Steve Mason

Nikita Filatov

Jake Voracek

The Blue Jackets aren't as far away from being a contender as some are choosing to believe, but it won't be easy. Conventional hockey wisdom says that you build from the net out. I disagree. I say you build from the blue line back and then work on your forwards. If you have a solid defensive corps then you can win a lot of games with an average goaltender. It's how the Red Wings were able to win all those years with Chris Osgood as their goalie.

Steve Mason hasn't played well since winning rookie of the year, but part of the problem is a weak Blue Jackets defense in front of him. Shoring up the D might take awhile because big time free agents seem allergic to Columbus, but there's pieces in the system that aren't too far from being competent NHL players, and Marc Methot and Grant Clitsome made big strides last year.

Stanley Cup Playoffs Primer: Eastern Conference

2011-04-12T14:24:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, we looked at the Western Conference's slate of playoff matchups. (Western Conference) Today, we're going to break down the inferior...I mean Eastern Conference playoffs.

Washington vs. New York

It’s incredible that the Capitals are in the number one position. For much of the season they struggled to find their identity and the HBO documentary, “24-7 with the Penguins and Capitals” happened to catch the Caps at their darkest hour. The cameras showed up just in time to document the 9 game losing streak that was tormenting the Washington hockey team. Since beating Pittsburgh at the Winter Classic the season has looked up. The Capitals come in trying to shed the playoff chokers label. They’ve lost home game 7’s in each of the last 3 seasons. In the case of 2010 they were the President’s Trophy winners and held a 3 games to 1 lead on Montreal before blowing three straight.

The only team Washington’s beaten in the playoffs since Ovechkin’s arrival was the New York Rangers, and even that was a brutal 7 game series. New York snuck in on the last day of the season thanks to a loss by the Carolina Hurricanes, but the blue-shirts did go 3-1 against the Caps in the regular season.

Guys to Watch:

Washington

Alex Ovechkin – Ovechkin had a down year in production, but his mere presence on the ice changes the way other teams operate. The scurvy Russian will be an impact player with or without a boatload of points.

Jason Chimera – the former Blue Jackets’ great is the kind of role player who can make or break a playoff run. He’s huge, and one of the fastest skaters in the league. If he can help provide secondary scoring and shut down the energy line of the other team then the Capitals will have an improved chance of going deep.

Bruce Boudreau – The Capitals head coach gained fame during “24-7” for creative use of the ‘F’ word and indulging in a Miller Lite tallboy after the Winter Classic. Boudreau is one of the more entertaining coaches in the league, but if Washington fails to advance deep in the playoffs he could be sweating his job.

New York

Henrik Lundqvist – The Rangers goaltender is one of the best in the game. If he gets hot, the Capitals could be in trouble.

Sean Avery – the pest of all pests. There’s a rule about blocking a goaltender’s vision named in his honor. Avery can get under this skin of the Washington players and take them off of their game or at least try very hard, either way, it’ll be entertaining.

Philadelphia vs. Buffalo

A year ago the Flyers made the playoffs on the last day of the season thanks to a shootout victory over the Rangers. The Eastern Conference’s 7 seed then won three series before dropping the finals to the Blackhawks. Carrying that momentum the Flyers played most of the season in first place before going into coast-mode and falling behind Washington. Philadelphia has 3 solid defensive pairings that could all be the top pair on any team. They also have depth at forward, and a relatively unknown, but capable goalie in Sergei Bobrovsky.

The Sabres on the other side are on fire. 9-1-2 in their last 12 games took them from bubble playoff team to a team that may do some damage in the playoffs.

Guys to Watch:

Philadelphia

Chris Pronger – Pronger is no stranger to deep playoff runs. He helped Edmonton reach the finals in 06, won a cup with Anaheim in 07, and was a big part of the Flyers’ run last year. Pronger turns it on during the postseason and is not only a shut down D-man, but also a threat to score from the point on the power play.

Philadelphia forwards – the Flyers had 6 guys score more than 20 goals in the regular season. Shutting down the top two lines will be key to upsetting Philadelphia.

Buffalo

Ryan Miller – the team USA goalie, Miller will determine how far the Sabres go in the playoffs.

Boston vs. Montreal

This is an interesting matchup because Boston-Montreal is one of the game’s most historic rivalries and this will be the third time in 4 years that the two teams have met in the playoffs. Expect a very intense matchup.

The Bruins were a game away from the Eastern Conference finals last season…for four games. They led Philadelphia 3 games to none, blew games 4, 5, and 6. In game 7 they jumped out to a 3-0 lead in front of their home crowd, and in one of the all-time greatest choke jobs, gave up 4 goals in the second half of the game and lost the series. The sting of that series should be at the forefront of Bruins fans minds coming into this postseason and against last year’s Cinderella darlings, it’s important they don’t fall into the same trap again.

The Canadiens won two series last year as the 8 seed, both coming back from 3-1 deficits to take out Washington and Pittsburgh. They placed all of their chips on goaltender Carey Price and let playoff hero Jaroslav Halak walk to St. Louis. Can Montreal complete another surprising run or can perennial playoff contender Boston finally advance past the second round?

Guys to Watch:

Boston

Zdeno Chara – He’s a 6’10 Slovak, but his skills seem to have faded. Montreal’s quick forwards could take advantage of his slow skates.

Tim Thomas – the favorite to win the Vezina (best goalie), Thomas has played less than stellar in the playoffs in recent years. So Thomas goes, so go the Boston Bruins.

Montreal

Mike Camalleri – the University of Michigan product was a key player in the Canadiens ride to the conference finals last year. One of those players that seems to step up their game in the playoffs, Montreal will need him to come up big again.

PK Subban – Last year’s playoffs were his coming out party, and his first regular season this year showed he has the skills to be a superstar. The defenseman can snipe from the point on the power play or join the rush.

Carey Price – There may be no job in sports more demanding than Montreal Canadiens goaltender and early in his career it looked like Carey Price couldn’t deal with the pressure. This season he’s been the reason for the Canadiens’ success, but he still needs to prove that he can perform in the playoffs.

Pittsburgh vs. Tampa Bay

I’m not even going to try to be unbiased here. I’m rooting for Tampa Bay, which is hard because of the way their first year head coach, Guy Boucher, spurned the Blue Jackets offer to be the bench boss in Columbus. But Pittsburgh, and their fans, are responsible for the worst game I’ve ever been to in ten years of going to Blue Jackets games. (read about that here Sports Weekend From Hell). I can’t even try to be impartial towards that city or one of their teams.

The Penguins will probably have Sidney Crosby back, who hasn’t played since January 5 after sustaining a concussion. Crosby has been practicing in full contact drills without any ill side effects. It’s probably safe to say that he’ll be on the ice for the playoffs. The Penguins are also without Evgeni Malkin and have played just two games all season with their “big three” intact (Crosby, Malkin, Stall).

Tampa is making their first playoff appearance since 2007. They have a high powered power play and potent offense, but are weak on the back end and the question remains, will 41 year old goaltender Dwayne Roloson have enough in the tank for another playoff run?

Guys to Watch:

Pittsburgh

Sidney Crosby – Crosby is the best player in the world, but will he show any rust after not playing for 3 months?

Tampa Bay

Steve Stamkos – the number one overall pick from a few years ago has blossomed into a deadly sniper, especially on the power play.

Martin St. Louis – St. Louis is like 4’8, but incredibly skilled and in the latter part of his career is trying to win Tampa their second cup in franchise history.

Dwayne Roloson - If he doesn’t get hurt in game 1 of the 06 Finals, the 8 seed Oilers probably win the Stanley Cup with him. He’s a very capable goalie, but the Tampa defense will need him to make a lot of big saves on his own. He could be hung out to dry often and he’ll need to come up big if the Lightning have any hope of knocking off the Penguins.

Stay tuned for more playoff coverage as they unfold.

There you have it. If you agree, disagree, or have thoughts of your own. Share them with us at sportshatemeSHM@gmail.com OR follow us on twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/SeanofUnionBlue

Stanley Cup Playoffs Primer

2011-04-11T16:32:00.008-04:00

Those of you who follow me on Twitter (http://twitter.com/#!/SeanofUnionBlue) know that hockey is kinda my thing. I’d tweet all day-errday about hockey if I could (and some days I have), but I know most people only follow for the poop and fart jokes. Well it’s about to get even worse, the Stanley Cup Playoffs are upon us. The only way the playoffs could be any more awesome is if my Blue Jackets could figure out a way to qualify for them again; sports hate me.

I'm asking, how can you not love this?

Judging by the numbers, and people literally telling me, I know that most of Sports Hate Me’s readers skip through the hockey stories I write. Well this article is designed to describe and educate so you know what the hell I’m talking about when I make a Twitter joke about Joe Thornton’s propensity to disappear in the playoffs or how the Coyotes are playing out their last days in Arizona.

I won’t be making picks. That never works out well and in a league where the 8 seed has beaten a 1 seed in three of the past five seasons, it’d almost be irresponsible to attempt to predict this beast.

So here it is, your Sports Hate Me Stanley Cup Playoffs primer starting with the Western Conference.

Vancouver vs. Chicago

Despite winning their first President’s trophy (the trophy given to the team with the best regular season record in the NHL) in franchise history, Canucks fans have to be feeling some nervousness over facing a Blackhawks squad that has eliminated them in each of the past two seasons. The Blackhawks, the defending Stanley Cup Champions, squeaked into the playoffs on the last day of the season. Their championship roster was downsized with guys like Dustin Byfuglien, Kris Versteeg, Andrew Ladd, and Ben Eager getting shipped out of town. Still, the core of Patrick Kane, Patrick Sharp, Jonathon Toews, and Marian Hossa remains intact and this team could be a dangerous 8 seed.

Vancouver has lost a ton of man-games this season to its defensive corps making their finish in the standings even more impressive. Most of their defense is coming back healthy for the run, but perhaps the biggest blow was losing former Blue Jackets’ great and faceoff wizard, Manny Malhotra to an eye injury. Also, the playoffs can be an unpredictable time when Roberto Luongo is your goaltender. Which Roberto will show up is always in question. Here's something to keep in mind though, the Canucks led the league in goals scored, goals against, and power play percentage. They're dangerous.

Guys to Watch:

Vancouver Canucks

The Sedin Twins - Henrik won the Hart Trophy for league MVP last season and his brother Daniel could do the same this year. Their olsen-like telekinesis has to be seen to be believed.

Ryan Kesler - The former Ohio State Buckeye was 4^th in goals and a +24 all while playing under the skin of opponents. He’s an agitator with top level talent. Kesler will be an impact player in every series the Canucks play.

Roberto Luongo - Will we see the Luongo who won a gold medal with team Canada or will we see the Luongo of playoffs gone by? An improved Canucks D should help alleviate some of the pressure on Roberto.

Chicago Blackhawks

Jonathon Toews – He was the Conn Smythe winner (playoff MVP, all the NHL trophies have cool old-timey names) a year ago, and makes an impact whether he’s scoring or not.

Patrick Kane – He scored the cup clinching goal last season and is always dangerous.

Blackhawk goaltenders – Marty Turco is over the hill and hasn’t played all that much this season. Corey Crawford is untested in the playoffs.

San Jose vs. Los Angeles

This is the playoff series these two franchises have been waiting for since San Jose came into the league 20 years ago. Norcal v. Socal. The Sharks are the team with endless potential that always seems to come up short in the playoffs. They shrugged a reputation for choking in the playoffs by reaching the conference finals last season, but were promptly swept by Chicago. Neither the boys in teal nor their fans will be pleased with anything but a cup championship.

The two basically split their season series and the Kings had only two fewer wins than San Jose, but 10 of their wins came via the shootout. Playoff games don’t end in shootouts so LA will need to figure out how to win games by putting the puck in the net in normal game situations.

Guys to Watch

San Jose Sharks

Joe Thornton – a reputation for fading in the playoffs that he earned while playing for Boston and then followed him to California will loom over every game he fails to score in. Can Thornton rise above it like he did last year or regress to previous seasons’ performances?

Logan Couture – the Sharks rookie is a strong candidate for rookie of the year and scored 32 goals on the season.

Antti Niemi – Niemi won a cup with Chicago last year, but a lot of critics credited the Blackhawks victory as being despite Niemi rather than because of him. This season however, he had a fairly strong goals against average of 2.38. Plus, Niemi will look to end the Sharks tradition of poor goaltender play in the playoffs started by Evgeni Nabakov who is no longer with the team.

Los Angeles Kings

Anze Kopitar – what’s that? He’s not playing, oh…

Drew Doughty - The 21 year old defenseman played for team Canada in the Olympics and will log big minutes for the Kings.

Ryan Smyth – I don’t think there’s a more Canadian guy in the NHL today. His nose is crooked, he’s 35 years old, he was a big part of the Oilers surprise run in 06, and he’s got some of the best flow-bucket in the game today. (Flow bucket: when long hair flows out of your helmet aka "bucket")

Detroit vs. Phoenix

Is it possible to have nobody win this one? The Red Wings are in the playoffs for the 20th straight season. It’s almost gotten to the point where Red Wings fans don’t even watch the regular season. In Detroit the regular season is referred to as, “6 month preseason”. What is there to know about the Red Wings? Well they have solid forwards, solid defense, solid goaltending and they somehow did this all without experiencing any down years, ever. They don’t rebuild, they reload. They are extremely annoying.

The Phoenix Coyotes are in embarrassing financial straits, have been league owned for two years now, and it’s likely as soon as the season’s over they’ll be moving back from whence they came, Winnipeg, Manitoba. That’s Canada. The Coyotes built an arena in Glendale, Arizona where no Phoenixites dare venture. Their attendance is second to last in the league despite being a playoff team these last two years. If Columbus had their success, Nationwide Arena would be sold out every night. The Coyotes are extremely annoying.

Guys to Watch:

Detroit Red Wings

Nik Lidstrom – the Defenseman for the Red Wings is like 50 years old, and still a solid contributor. I wouldn’t be surprised if he played another 5 years.

Johan Franzen/Tomas Holmstrom – these guys might as well be the same player. Both Swedish, both huge, both score a ton of goals seemingly by being huge and standing in front of the net. They’re the NHL equivalent of Shaq.

Pavel Datsyuk – one of the most stunningly talented players in the game. When he’s on the ice watch him with or without the puck. He has one of the best pairs of hands the game has ever seen.

Phoenix Coyotes

Shane Doan – the Coyotes captain has played his entire career with the Coyotes/Winnipeg Jets organization. No player in the league gets more excited or is more animated with facial expressions than Doan.

Paul Bissonnette – it may be hard to watch him play as it’s likely that he’ll be a healthy scratch in most of, if not all the Coyotes playoff games, but he's worth a follow on Twitter though, http://twitter.com/#!/BizNasty2point0. Easily one of the more entertaining athlete tweeters around.

Anaheim vs. Nashville

The Ducks have the Rocket Richard trophy winner (most goals) in Corey Perry, and an impossible to hate Finn named Teemu Selanne. Selanne is 40 years old and was supposed to retire when the Ducks won the cup in 2007, but he decided there was still enough left in the tank to keep playing for another 4 years and possibly more. The endearing thing about Selanne is how much fun he has playing the game and at freaking 40 had a 30 goal season with a lot of those goals coming as the game winner or in the last two minutes of a contest. The Ducks could be the team that makes a surprise run.

The Nashville Predators are making their 6^th playoff appearance in 12 years of existence though they’re still looking for their first series win. The Predators have gotten back to the postseason despite not having anything that resembles a number one line. The Predators beat you with depth, defense, and goaltending. Don’t be surprised if the Predators make a deep playoff run.

Guys to Watch:

Anaheim Ducks

Teemu Selanne – the guy has a knack for coming up big in clutch situations. If the game is tied late or the Ducks trail by 1, then Selanne will be on the ice.

Ryan Getzlaf – the Ducks’ captain is the definition of power forward and was the spur that kicked the Ducks to the title in 07.

Bobby Ryan – Ryan was the guy taken right after Sidney Crosby. He was 8^th in goals and had a +15 on the season.

Corey Perry – He led the league in goals, but he’s also considered one of the games biggest irritants. The league should keep a running tally to see what happens more, goals scored or times a Predators punches him in the face.

Nashville Predators

Shea Weber – The Predators captain is the defenseman every team is looking for. He’s got size, skill, and a shot that could kill a guy.

Mike Fisher – Nashville picked up Fisher at the deadline and he’s provided some scoring and is fitting in nicely with the Predators system. More importantly, he’s married to Carrie Underwood so there’s probably going to be at least one crowd shot of Underwood at one of the games in Nashville.

That’s it for the Western Conference. Expect the Eastern Conference set to be out sometime on Tuesday.

There you have it. If you agree, disagree, or have thoughts of your own. Share them with us at sportshatemeSHM@gmail.com OR follow us on twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/SeanofUnionBlue

Lessons Football Could Learn From the NCAA Tournament

2011-04-08T12:51:00.012-04:00

This year’s NCAA Tournament is EXACTLY why football needs a playoff.

Last week Connecticut beat Super-Cinderella Butler in what has been described as one of the worst basketball games ever. I wouldn’t know, I enjoyed it about as much as I enjoy any other basketball game. Uconn’s national title, as a 3 seed spawned the internet to ask this question, “Is Uconn really the best basketball team in the nation?” which last week existed as, “Are Butler, VCU, Uconn, and Kentucky the four best teams in the nation?” These questions were asked almost exclusively by fans of traditionally good teams that had been eliminated earlier in the tournament.

Reason for poor shooting performance against Uconn? Boogers.

To answer the questions, no, they aren’t the best basketball team in the nation, and no, those weren’t the four best teams in the final four, but that’s what makes the tournament great. Its excitement is built on the upsets and surprises. The massive single elimination tournament isn’t designed to find the best basketball team, it’s designed to find the National Champion. The national champion and the best team don’t need to be the same thing. Otherwise, what’s the point of a tournament at all? If we were looking for the best team then we should’ve just ended the season and given Ohio State a trophy, but it doesn’t work that way.

Furthermore, this argument only seems to surface when a 1 seed doesn’t win the NCAA Tournament. The Green Bay Packers were the wildcard and the San Francisco Giants weren't the number 1 seed in the National League. The Chicago Blackhawks weren’t the NHL’s best team a year ago, but they and the other teams mentioned were their league champions, and yet nobody seems to have a problem with that.

"But were they really the best team?" *nerd voice, sniffles, glasses push*

So what’s this got to do with college football? Well for one, it’s well documented that college football uses a two team playoff whose participants are decided by computers, schedule strength, and conference politics. It’s not the worst way to determine a national champion (that was the old pre-BCS system), but it’s far from the best. Think of all the excitement we’re missing out on by only having one true playoff game. Consider that an 8 team tournament would deliver 8 teams, all capable of winning a playoff game, battling it out in true and meaningful postseason play through seven intense games (I think my math is correct there). I don’t understand how any fan of college football wouldn’t love to have that.

Once a playoff is adopted these years we currently live in will be looked back on not in a fond-nostalgic sense, but as the dark ages of college football, the “why did it take so long to go to a playoff” days of college football, the “what were we thinking” days of college football.

Proponents of the BCS generally spout the same arguments and each one has a very easy solution. I will try not to bore you with my own ideal playoff alignment, but for the sake of consistency, assume we’re operating under an 8 team playoff, and I’ll address each of these as they come.

This is what a BCS fan looks like

Silly Arguments Against a Playoff:
“The regular season will be ruined. Look at college basketball, nobody cares about the regular season.”
An unintended consequence of the 64 team tournament in basketball is that people generally don’t pay attention to the regular season because the games are less important. For a lot of top tier programs the regular season is a 4 month waiting period until the tournament. I won’t argue that fact at all. That’s very true. I also won't argue that the college football regular season is unbelievable and that every week is important. What I will argue is that basketball and football are two very different sports, and that a playoff wouldn't do any damage to the regular season.

I don’t see football’s regular season being affected in any way by the addition of a playoff. One, all of the anit-climacticy of basketball’s regular season is due to the large number of teams that get into the tourny and the high number of regular season games they play. Football will never play a 30+ game schedule or hold a 64 team tournament. The football tournament will be far more selective and as a result, regular season games will still matter. Two, if you limit playoff selection to only conference champions, then the regular season will be just as important. I like the idea that you shouldn't be able to win a national championship without winning your conference championship.

“The schedule would be too long”
Right now they play 12 games, and then a conference championship game, and then a bowl game, so 14 games in all. With an 8 team playoff replacing the bowls, the schedule would grow to 16 games…for two teams. Two out of the 100 something division 1 teams will play 2 additional games. That’s not bad at all.

“They’re college athletes, what about their studies? A playoff is one more step towards professionalism.”
Thanks Gordon Gee. Let’s not pretend that high level college football cares about the scholarship of its players. This point is often trumpeted by college presidents because they can hide their desire to earn money through the current bowl system under the guise of fear that the student athletes’ academics may be compromised.

Further, if we can send our basketball players around the country for four consecutive weekends (during finals, might I add), then why can’t we do the same with our football players?

“We’d still argue about the last team picked, just like we argue about who is number 2 now.”
Yeah, but the number 3 team in the country often has a very legitimate gripe on not getting a shot at the national championship. Does the number 9 team? I’d feel a lot better about denying a shot to the 9th best team than I do the third best team, who is often excused only because of strength of schedule (which scheduled years in advance is out of their control), and conference politics (also out of their control). The 2004 undefeated Auburn team that got snubbed from the National Championship game comes to mind.

“We’d lose the tradition of the bowls”
Newsflash, the tradition of the bowls is gone. That died with the addition of the BCS, and it was given a final blow when the National Championship became a separate game unto itself. Not a single bowl game means anything anymore. We like to think they do, but really they’re all meaningless exhibition games. Each and every one, from the Rose Bowl to the Kraft Bullshit Bowl, is all for naught.

If you really want to keep bowls around then you can still play them, but with teams outside the tournament, a veritable football NIT, if you will. Or, you use the major bowls as preliminary rounds of the playoff, with an alternating schedule for the national championship game.

All I know is, I watched the basketball tournament, and excluding a disappointing title game, saw the parity and excitement that comes with deciding the champion on the field of play. How any fan of college football wouldn't love to have that is beyond me.

There you have it. If you agree, disagree, or have thoughts of your own. Share them with us at sportshatemeSHM@gmail.com OR follow us on twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/SeanofUnionBlue

5 Reasons I'll be okay with an NFL lock out

2011-03-24T21:51:00.010-04:00

Read as we examine elementary school, pooping contests, and oh yeah, there's some sports chatter in there as well

The NFL owners and the NFL Players’ Association have been butting heads over a myriad of issues in recent labor agreements in their turn of "Millionaires vs. Billionaires: NFL Edition". We've been through it with baseball, and hockey, who both ultimately cancelled a season's championship. The NBA also briefly flirted with the cancellation of a season, but ended up playing a shortened schedule in 1999. I don’t know enough about the whole thing to comment on the state of the negotiations or the bargaining discussions, but I do know that some of the items on the agenda are the prospect of playing 2 additional regular season games (which the players oppose for various health reasons), a rookie pay scale, and adjustment of the players’ retirement pension and healthcare. Those things, however, are not what I’m talking about.

I couldn’t care less about the respective gripes of each party (except for the 18 game schedule, I don’t need to watch two more Bengals losses per season). What I do care about is how this story has been covered like it’s an asteroid about to hit the earth. Not even a cool asteroid either; it's more like a Deep Impact asteroid and less like an Armageddon asteroid. The gloom and doom coverage, the “what will I do without football?” crowd, and the “what am I going to talk about now” attitude of ESPN, are all groups of people who need to take a step back. I went through it in 2004-2005 when the NHL cancelled their season. Life goes on.

As for me, I won’t care either way, but if D-day does come and the season is cancelled, here are five reasons why I'll be just fine.

5. The Cincinnati Bengals

The Cincinnati Bengals suck and they’ve sucked for as long as I can remember. Even when they were good, they sucked. Even when they've accidentally made the playoffs, they got to the wild-card round and sucked. By now, I should know to not get emotionally involved, but they always bait me. Being a Bengals fan is the opposite of fun. I can’t remember it ever being fun and there’s no reason to believe it’ll be fun this season. Sports are supposed to be fun, but being a Bengals fan is miserable, hopeless torture. I’d change allegiances, but I’d feel a tremendous amount of guilt. Plus, I have thousands of dollars sunk into worthless Bengals merchandise and apparel not easily replaced by worthless merchandise and apparel of some other team.

Right now, the Bengals’ future is bleak. The not-even-that-good franchise quarterback has declared that he’d rather forgo millions of dollars than ever set foot in Paul Brown Stadium again. The team is coming off a 4-12 season that included a 10 game losing streak, and head coach Marvin Lewis was rewarded with a new contract. Lastly, Mike Brown, the Owner/President/General Manager/Paul Brown’s son/world's largest infant, is staunchly opposed to making any sort of move that would positively benefit the franchise and is still the man in charge. The future is non-existent and it doesn’t look like it’s going to get better anytime soon.

Sincerely, he looks like a giant infant.

What does this all this mean? It means that a cancelled season would spell relief from having to suffer through 16 (or worse, 18) Cincinnati Bengals games in 2011. Also, it would guarantee that the Pittsburgh Steelers wouldn’t win the Super Bowl for at least another year. Though, I wouldn’t put it past the NFL to award them the Lombardi trophy by virtue of simply being the Pittsburgh Steelers. It's been done before (Super Bowl XL).

4. College Football

Football is one of the few sports where the feeder system is as good, and many would argue better, than the professional level. I've always straddled the line between the two and always kept them separated. Saturdays have alway been for Ohio State, Sundays for the Bengals. Unlike so many, I never felt the need to pick one over the other.

That said, I've always found the NFL to be cold, sterile, and corporate. Collegiate football is (perceptively) innocent, more traditional, and evocative of things like green hedge bushes, brick stadiums on picturesque campuses, and autumn leaves. The romance of college football that exists because of things like Knute Rockne, Michigan's winged helmets, and the Heisman Trophy can't be found anywhere in the NFL. College football is less calculated, and feels more like an athletic competition than the neatly scripted three hour television show that is an NFL broadcast.

See? Hedges.

For the hardened NFL fan, it'll sort of be like when a hot celebrity actress marries one of the Lakers, and he's then immediately traded to Milwaukee or Oklahoma City (I resisted the urge to put Cleveland there). You're still married to an athlete, but it's just not the same. College football won't replace the NFL for the diehards, but it will make it easier than say, when hockey cancelled their season and I had to watch the AHL instead. Even with OSU about to face the wrath of the NCAA in response to "tattoo-gate", college ball will deliver more than enough thrilling football action to get me by for the season, and who knows, maybe my alma-mater (OU Bobcats) will get to play on a couple of Sunday nights.

3. Other Sports

Here's something weird, I'm not that big a fan of football. I should be, right? I'm from America, and more specifically, central Ohio. I'm supposed to worship the game and the gods who play it. I like football, I like Ohio State football, and for some reason, I love the Cincinnati Bengals, but I love baseball and I really love ice hockey. I just don't find myself as enamored with football as everyone else seems to be. It's treated as if it's the "ultimate" sport, but to me that's ice hockey. If I could pick one team to win one trophy, it'd be the Blue Jackets and it'd be the Stanley Cup. I love that something so cool even exists. I like hockey so much, I don't understand how people don't like it.

The goal that clinched the 7th seed in the playoffs that they were ultimately swept from. Sadly, my favorite Blue Jackets memory.

When compared to football as a sport, I prefer the idiosyncratic and "human board game" nature of baseball, and the physicality combined with the incredible athleticism and creativity involved with hockey. Football has too many rules and too many players, too many injuries, and too many games end in outcomes outside of the control of the best players.

Here's the other thing, baseball starts in early April and my guys are actually poised to make another playoff run. The Reds will likely be involved in a pennant race in August and September. That takes me to October when the Columbus Blue Jackets season starts and by the time their season is over, baseball's back. I could get by if the NFL never came back.

I need more of this, however.

2. The NFL could stand to come down a few pegs

When I was in the fourth grade there was this girl, who shall remain nameless, who thought very highly of herself. She was like a lot of fourth grade girls. She was snotty, judgmental, and needlessly mean. She was as close to being a bitch as a ten year old girl can be, and as we grew up she became the real deal. For this story, we'll refer to her as "future bitch" or "FB" for short. One day at recess my friend, Chris, kicked a soccer ball that accidentally drilled Future Bitch right between the eyes. The force of the ball hitting FB in the face caused her to fly backwards where she landed in mud that ruined whatever outfit she had spent that morning obsessing over. It was embarrassing for her, funny for the rest of us. The thing was, it was a big bowl of well-deserved karma. Had it been anyone else, the rest of the class would've felt sympathetic. Instead, everyone just thought it was hilarious and for about a week, we didn't have to deal with her crap.

She grew up to be this girl. She did always love the mud.

The NFL is Future Bitch. They're the big dog and the bully. No league treats their season ticket holders as poorly or is as demanding. Ticket prices are exorbitant and many season ticket holders are expected to shell out thousands just for the license to their seat before they ever purchase the tickets. If a season is cancelled the NFL will feel what baseball felt in 1995 and what the NHL has felt since 2005. Fans don't like when you jerk them around, and the idea that billionaires want more money will keep many members of the NFL's hardworking fanbase from ever coming back. It would be a sizable enough group that the league would notice the pinch. If their hubris is large enough to think that they won't be affected, then the league office is more arrogant than previously believed. The NFL could stand to come back down from its perch to relearn what it's like to treat your customers properly, and when that happens, we all win.

1. ESPN could stand to come down a few pegs

Here's another anecdote to round-a-boutly set up a point: my senior year of high school our baseball team traveled to Orlando for a week of spring training. We got off the plane, got to our hotel, and then I left a massive steamer in my room's toilet. It was, for sure, a lifetime top fiver. It wasn't at a Bono level of Courics, but it was at least on "The Edge" level. I had to show my roommate, I had no choice. He then subsequently showed everyone else on the baseball team. One guy, one of the most competitive people I've ever met, said, "I can poop bigger than that". Without warning, I found myself entered into a pooping contest. We then got on a bus and went to freaking Disneyworld of all places. He didn't use the bathroom all day, ate three chili-cheese dogs and one of those giant turkey legs. Mind you, this is all while strolling around MGM Studios and riding the Tower of Terror and Rockin' Rollercoaster. I'll be honest, his dump was pretty big, bigger than the average everyday poop, but it wasn't even close to mine, and it split in half. I think he went wrong by not choosing more fiber loaded options.

It wasn't as big as this, but...

So how could that possibly have anything to do with ESPN? Are you ready? Their entire NFL coverage is one big pooping contest. Watching their lead-up show on Sunday mornings is a game of watching which one of the "experts" can take the biggest dump, metaphorically speaking of course.

I know very little about the X's and O's of football, but I turn on their show and I hear Mike Ditka say things like, "the Texans are 2-2, they don't want to lose this game to go to 2-3". Really, Mike? Dynamite drop-in.

Chris Berman's shtick has been tired since at least 1985 and as far as I'm concerned, Cris Carter and Keyshawn Johnson are the exact same person. They're both possession receivers from the same era who played at major college programs. How different could their perspective possibly be? I really don't need to hear what a wide receiver thinks, and I definitely don't need it twice on a five person panel.

The only tolerable analyst in the group is Tom Jackson, but in recent years he's fallen into the habit of inserting passionate opinions that should have no place in what is supposed to be an unbiased center of journalism.

Without the NFL to cover, ESPN will have to relearn how to cover other sports. Perhaps that means that Sportscenter goes back to showing every highlight from every game from every sport from the night before?

Above all that though, the most comforting thing about not having the NFL next year is the idea that we'll see less of John Clayton

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But don't worry, diehards, the season is still months away, and they still have plenty of time to agree on something. I have very little worry that the season will be cancelled, but if it is, you'll survive.

My 20 Most Hated Sports Uniforms Ever

2011-03-22T21:04:00.006-04:00

It's been awhile folks. I was so overjoyed at the prospect of the Steelers losing the Super Bowl and so depressed about the Blue Jackets urinating their season away that it created this vortex tornado of sadness and glee that threw me out of the writing-my-sports-feelings-zone. But here I am, back to discuss an issue very near and dear to my heart, sports uniforms.

You see boys and girls, I am a sports uniform aesthete. When others were watching the game, I was watching the game and obsessing over number fonts, color differences, stripe widths, whether the names were vertically or radially arched. I worry about things like which baseball teams use the standard gray road uniforms and which teams use the slightly more greenish gray uniforms, tiny microscopic differences in block fonts, and which NFL teams use a metallic flake for their helmets. It literally extends to anything and being this observant is a curse more than a gift. I go to games and the multitude of ebay fouls, counterfeit jerseys, and blatantly incorrect personalization jobs are enough to make me scream. Ask my loved ones, especially the GF, and they'll tell you about the burden I've placed on them.

I have a list of my personal favorite sports uniforms. It's very exclusive and very difficult to crack (the Hartford Whalers 1992-1997 are #1). That would however, make for a boring discussion. This is a list of my 20 least favorite sports uniforms that have ever been worn, starting with number 20 through 11.

First, some parameters need to be set:
1. I'm only doing the 4 major sports of North America (NHL, NFL, MLB, NBA). It seems that it's a prerequisite for Soccer, minor leagues (google Tucson Toros), or the WNBA teams to have purposely ugly uniforms. No college, no foreign leagues, and certainly no high schools. We're talking about the professional ranks here.

2. I'm not going back farther than 1970. That's when the age of uniform design became really important in terms of branding and presenting a franchise to the masses. With the widespread use of color television and shortly after, the sale of replica jerseys, outfitting a team in an ugly uniform in this era is far more dangerous than it would have been in say, the 40's.

3. No alternate uniforms. Alternate uniforms are occasionally worn to give the fans a new look, but the real motive is to give the team a third jersey to sell to said fans. Teams often take risks with their third jersey that they wouldn't normally take and this can sometimes spell disaster (Check back in later, for more on alternate uniform disasters). For a uniform to make this list, it had to have been worn for at least one year as the team's primary uniform option.

4. Don't mistake what I'm saying for ugly. Often times the uniform wasn't ugly, but a harbinger of bad design that encouraged future generations of uniform design to make unattractive or misguided design choices, or it jumped on bad design trends far after said trends had passed. These are my 20 least favorite uniforms in sports. These aren't what everyone else should agree is the 20 ugliest uniforms in sports. Totally different things.

Let's get started

20. Denver Broncos “Swooshed out”

There’s nothing inherently wrong with the Broncos’ uniforms from 1997 and by today’s design standards they appear somewhat tame, but back then the bold orange side panel, custom number font, and tapered stripe were considered wild and cutting edge. These uniforms are still around and though I think there are uniforms out there that are far uglier and more egregious violators of my person uniform policies, this one makes the list for its far-reaching effect on the game of football. This particular template ushered in a new era in uniform design in a previously fashion conservative NFL that paved the way for modern-design atrocities such as the Arizona Cardinals, Minnesota Vikings, the soon to be extinct uniforms (and making an appearance later) of the Buffalo Bills, and even my own Cincinnati Bengals. Even worse, this template launched a million terrible high school football uniforms that still exist today.

19. St. Louis Blues 1995-1998

In uniforms more befitting of a fast food employee, the garish colors didn’t help the St. Louis Blues in their mid 1990’s atrocities. This uniform is the poster-child for 1990’s “over-design”. In the 90’s you had to have more than two colors (white not included) and if you didn’t have more than two you had to add one (which was usually black). The Blues adopted red as part of their color schema in the mid-80’s, but it was used minimally until moving to these uni’s in 1995. Another major trend of the 90’s evident here is the team took their theme and crammed it onto every part of the uniform. This uniform then took it a step further by over-striping the jersey and socks with lines meant to resemble what I can only assume is a musical staff. This would all be bad enough without mentioning that the numbers are slanted to accommodate the insane number of stripes so legibility was also an issue. I can’t look at them without thinking of a warm, moist kid’s meal burger with too much ketchup.

oh yeah, they made THE GREAT ONE wear these for 18 games.

18. Utah Jazz "So Blue"

There’s nothing horrible about these either, but they’re just so unoriginal and bland and arrived at a time when it seemed that every team in the NBA was using some variation of dark blue and light blue. The wordmark is nothing to write home about and it’s in such a blah typeface it might as well say “Generic Basketball team”. Nothing about these was unique or appropriate for Utah and for the first time in team history the Jazz weren’t wearing purple. They look like a standard uniform you’d order for your Tuesday night league out of Eastbay. This season they were replaced with a navy blue, green, and gold number that is more evocative of Utah Jazz history and is at least unique to the NBA. Still, the perfect Jazz uniform to me is anything John Stockton wore, shorts included.

17. New Jersey Nets

The home version of this uniform wasn’t particularly terrible, but call it the era of acid-washed jeans or the after-math of day-glo, but the road uniforms were, for whatever reason, tie-dye.

16. Anaheim Angels Disney Uniforms

In 1997, Disney Corporation, already owners of the NHL’s Mighty Ducks of Anaheim, purchased the California Angels and what ensued was only the worst baseball uniform of the 90’s. Disney renamed the team the “Anaheim Angels” and took to the sharp and elegant navy and red kit with a pair of scissors and the classic Disney charm. The cutesy logo, cutesy number font, pinstripes at home and road (a baseball no-no), unnecessary addition of freaking “periwinkle”, and vested uniforms that weren’t actual vests (the blue sleeves were sewn on) all created a baseball uniform more suited for an independent league than the Major Leagues.

Chan Ho Park really hated them

15. Detroit Pistons Teal? Teal!?

The Detroit Pistons won back to back titles in 1989 and 1990 playing in basic non-descript uniforms. They were emblematic of the team and the city they played in. They weren’t flashy, but they were solid and they let you know who you were going up against. In 1995 they abandoned their red and blue history for the trendy color at the time, teal. Detroit has about as much to do with teal, a color normally associated with tropical water, as Alaska does with orange. The uniform featured 5 different colors, a large intricately logoed wordmark, and a chintzy hot-rod inspired number font. The team would return to their normal look in 2001 and almost immediately reemerged as an NBA power with a championship in 2004 and 7 straight appearances in the Eastern Conference finals. Coincidence? Probably, though the team did hold a bonfire where they destroyed any teal Detroit Pistons gear. If that doesn’t speak to the feelings towards this uniform, I don’t know what does.

14. Tennessee Titans

This is a case of a team taking something that was good, making a slight alteration, and falling into the pit of terrible. When the Oilers moved to the Titans moniker in 1999 they rebranded with unique and modern uniforms that weren’t over the top. They stuck within the basic NFL aesthetic while also delivering a new color scheme that had not been seen anywhere in pro sports in decades (and then the NBA and later the NHL jumped all over it). So what’s wrong here? Well the switch to the Columbia blue jersey for some reason means that the team must wear the navy blue pants rather than the white pants. This results in a look that features navy blue pants with navy blue socks creating a blue leotard effect. A bright Columbia blue jersey on top of the navy blue pants with a white helmet plopped on top of that and you're left with a bottom heavy look that makes the players appear slow. It’s completely unbalanced and it could all be saved by wearing the white pants with the Columbia blue jersey or by just going back to the Eddie George era duds.

13. Toronto Black Jays

When you put a color in your nickname (or colour, in Canadian) then you pretty much resign yourself to using that as your primary color forever. That is, unless you want to be like the Toronto Blue Jays who in 2004 began using “graphite” and black (with small hints of blue). At the time adding black to your uniform was already a trend that had become tired. The Reds, Mets, and Royals had all tried it and the results were shaky at best. Jumping on that bad idea bandwagon would’ve been misguided enough to put the Blue Jays on my list, but the uniforms get worse. They chose to use a beveled curly script that simply reads “Jays”. I guess if you’re not using the color blue anymore then there’s no reason to spell it out on your jerseys. Team nickname abbreviations on official team jerseys get my irk, but it’s nothing compared to the hats. They inexplicably used graphite hats for the first two seasons, which made the players look like they were once wearing black hats, but then stood in the sun for too long. In year 3 they made a lateral move to black hats, but the only thing that’ll make these even remotely palatable, is if they go back to wearing blue.

12. Houston Rockets PJ party

In 1996 the Houston Rockets celebrated back-to-back World Championships by signing Charles Barkley and outfitting their players in slumber party costumes. The pinstripes were so fat, how fat were they? They were so fat, if they were any fatter, they legally would not be allowed to be called pinstripes. The logo was a crazy over-drawn mess topped off by a toothed rocket. Yes, teeth. And the beveled number font and monogram alternate logo (found on the shorts) were in queue with the rest of the over-designed uniform. The area, however, that thrusts this uniform onto my 20 most hated list, is the use of gradients. The “pinstripes” are gradiented to make room for the logo and numbers. Even the stripe on the shorts uses a gradient.

11. 1980-1984 San Diego Padres

Their colors were brown, orange, and mustard yellow!

stay tuned for numbers 10 through 1 and make sure to keep an eye out for future SHM articles. We'll put our own spin on the upcoming Baseball season and take a look back at the long strange trip that's been the Columbus Blue Jackets' 2010-2011 campaign.

There you have it. If you agree, disagree, or have thoughts of your own. Share them with me at sportshatemeSHM@gmail.com OR follow us on twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/SeanofUnionBlue

Dear, Packers

2011-02-07T00:05:00.003-05:00

If you're an avid reader of Sports Hate Me then you know there is no single thing more despised by SHM on the entire planet than the Pittsburgh Steelers. Tonight they actually failed to win a big game. They tasted defeat in a bitter way for the first time in a loooooong time. The only way it could've been better is if it were the Bengals themselves on the championship podium. Thanks to the Green Bay Packers for saving the rest of us from yet another unbearable Steelers Super Bowl victory and rescuing us from experiencing that nightmare for the third time since 2005. A loss by the Steelers is a win for America.

We'd like to thank Aaron Rodgers, Jordy Nelson, Greg Jennings, Charles Woodson, Clay Matthews, AJ Hawk, BJ Raji, Nick Collins, my "uncle" Mike McCarthy, and any other Packer who contributed to slaying the evil dragon.

I'd also like to thank Packer fans for so graciously allowing us to jump aboard the bandwagon. The enemy of my enemy is my friend and now you are a very very good friend. You'll always hold a special place in my heart, but now it's time to step down, take off the brand-new Packers shirt, and return to the sad reality that is Bengals fandom.

Thanks again.

signed, Happiness.

The NHL Guardian Project

2011-02-05T15:50:00.014-05:00

In case you haven't been paying attention to the NHL, and the NHL's numbers show that most of you haven't, they've been working on a pretty cool project as of late. Last month the National Hockey League teamed up with Stan Lee and Marvel comics to create a superhero for each of the NHL's 30 teams. Throughout January the NHL released a superhero every day and referred to it as "The NHL Guardian Project". Each guardian is specific to the team's nickname and most hold powers unique to the city they play in.

I think it's a great idea and sometimes it's a good thing to branch away from your normal gimmicks in an attempt to try something different that may bring in new fans. I'm surprised this hasn't been done before. Something about it just seems so "Mid-1980's NFL". You know, where "The Patriot" has soviet seeking missiles and "The Redskin", and "The Chief" are actually portrayed as native americans with some offensively racist super power like being able to command "spirits" or getting herds of animals to do whatever they want through mind speak.

It started out as a fun idea, but with each guardian introduced it became more and more apparent that the production value and the time put into each one's character and slate of abilities was not up to Marvel's usual standards. It seems like Stan Lee (or more likely Stan Lee's "D" crew) pooped the brainstorming out in a single afternoon, and then neglected to correct the spelling errors.

So maybe it is true that the artists and writers staffed on this project weren't Marvel's best and brightest, but so what? It's all in fun and I'm probably not even in the target demo. I can tell you that an 8 year old me would've loved this thing.

Disclaimer: I am admittedly not a comic book guy. I've never bought a comic book in my life. I've never even been to a comic books store (Do those still exist?). I'm a sports nerd, not a comics nerd. I'm not saying one is better than the other (it's sports), but I may be out of my element in my analysis of these guys. I am, however, a HUGE hockey fan so I'm at least half credible.

Let's take a look.

Guys that would actually be pretty cool superheroes on their own.

- Columbus Blue Jackets

With a name in the tradition of "The Green Hornet" or "The Green Lantern", this guy gets top-billing because he just does. He's a little transformer-esque, and he doesn't really have a super power, he just has an array of weapons and a serious mind. He's a civil war robot with cannons strapped all over his body which fits in with the team's overall theme and he's made of steel which represents CBJ ownership's main corporation, Worthington Industries. My hometown guy definitely could've been worse and I can't tell you why, but I'm happy that he has actual arms instead of cannons in lieu of arms. I just wish they gave him another power besides owning a bunch of guns. It's like how Batman really isn't a superhero, he's just a rich guy. We learn later in the comic strips released after the all-star game that he can also throw a giant Ohio flag like it's a big net. Some net, the state flag of Ohio is a pennant, you're gonna lose some evil-doers with a pennant.

It's probably his lack of a solid super power that is routinely keeping him out of the 8 best superheroes from the Western Conference. (That's a Blue Jackets never making the playoffs joke). Though, maybe RJ Umberger should be the Blue Jacket's superhero.

- Carolina Hurricanes

He's got a little bit of scorpion from Mortal Kombat in him plus, he's a hurricane. Being able to control weather patterns is always one of the best superhero abilities because you can do so much damage. This is one of my favorites, and I've always liked long-haired super heroes. I can't tell you why. Remember that period in the 90's when Superman had long hair?

- Boston Bruins

Other than his one-piece bathing suit, which is one of many odd fashion choices amongst the guardians, he's pretty badass. He's not a Bear-man, he's not some anthropomorphic animal creature like you'll see later. He's just a giant bear. Though I'm not sure about this ability, "Intelligence borders on precognition". Are bears known to be one of the more intelligent animals in the kingdom? And Intelligence does not equal precognition. Note the "6" on his chest. Every one of the original 6 teams have this badge on their guardian's person.

- New Jersey Devils

The obvious choice would be to illustrate him like your classic red and black cartoon devil. The winged donkey character they have here shows they did take the time to do some research. The New Jersey Devils are actually named after a mythical creature known as the "Jersey Devil" that roams the woods of southern New Jersey...or whatever.

- Washington Capitals

Of all the animal-man creatures, this guy is the best. He's got all the strength and body mass of a buff dude, but the wings, talons, and head of an eagle. Gotta love his supersonic scream and telescopic sight as those are well known eagle characteristics. I don't really understand the need to be a "shape-shifter" though.

- Calgary Flames

He has flaming wings, and can shoot "lava balls". In college my roommate, Jason, had lava balls, but it wasn't a super ability, it was more like a curse from sleeping around. I'm going to repress the urge to make the obvious diarrhea joke out of "creates a flaming stampede".

- Los Angeles Kings

Dead on.

- The Lightning, Tampa Bay Lightning

I just really like his electricity surfboard and electricity mohawk.

- Philadelphia Flyers

Broadstreet Bully with the requisite flyer wings. If I had to pick a favorite team from the Eastern Conference it would be the Flyers. That's why he made the good-guys list, but I also like the out of nowhere random powers of "telekenesis" (remember when I said they neglected to correct their spelling mistakes? It should be "telekinesis") and "mind control". The "granite chin" is a nod to the Flyer teams of the 70's who brawled with everybody, hence the name, "Broadstreet Bullies".

- Ottawa Senators

He's dressed like a Roman senator per the Ottawa team's logo, but I would buy a comic called "The Senator". By day he's a mild mannered member of the Canadian parliament, by night he fights crime on the "mean" streets of the Canadian capital. That'd be fun stuff.

Missed the Mark

These dudes were almost there, but could've been better if they'd chosen a different direction or made a few tweaks.

- Colorado Avalanche

Captain Planet and Mr. Freeze had a kid and raised him in Colorado. I'm surprised they didn't go with a Yeti/abominable snowman monster. It'd be a natural fit. The Avs even wear a big-foot patch on the shoulder of their jerseys.

- Buffalo Sabres

I'm happy they resisted the urge to make him a buffalo, but they pretty much ignored the team's nickname. He controls ice? Why not make him a master swordsman like Deadpool. Yes it snows a lot in Buffalo, New York, but the team is named the "Sabres". Don't you pretty much have to give him a sword-weilding power?

- Minnesota Wild

The Wild is a really abstract idea to name your hockey team after. Their logo is a bear or a wolf or something drawn through the negative space of a river and trees scene. It's cool. This guy isn't. I have no idea what "celestial incinerators" are and why does a bear have these things strapped to his hands anways? Give him the power to control the northern lights or spontaneously make lakes in places. He's from Minnesota, after all.

Guys that would never be Super hero names otherwise

When you're naming a hockey team you don't think about how decades down the road your team name may be turned into a super hero. Some hockey nicknames just don't lend themselves to cool superheroes or super abilities. These are those guys.

- St. Louis Blues

If you read the Blue's comic he comes equipped with a saxophone. As predicted he uses it to control minds to make people do his bidding. He's essentially a snake charmer without a face.

- Montreal Canadiens

What's the Canadien's super power? Apologizing people to death? He's got a real cobra-commander/iron man look to him and I have no idea what "power absorption" means.

- Anaheim Ducks

Some of you may remember that the Ducks already had a cartoon series in the mid 90's. Mighty Ducks, the Animated Series intro, but I don't recall them being rebels with trustfunds.

- New York Islanders

The islanders are named for people who live on Long Island. I think with this one they really did the best they could with what they were given.

- Pittsburgh Penguins

The Penguin may be the lamest of them all. Marvel was unable to pattern him after the more famous Penguin of comic book lore because he is owned by DC, and actually making him a physical penguin wouldn't work because real penguins can barely walk on their own. Make him a beefed up Penguin-Man and he's a worse bird-man than the Capital. So he's just a guy in a penguin costume that can do stuff with ice. Half of these guys do stuff with ice, hockey is played on ice.

This is off-script, but if they patterned The Penguin after Penguins fans then he is undoubtedly the biggest douche amongst all of the guardians.

- Dallas Stars

There's nothing really wrong with the Star, it's just the boring generic quality that takes over. Also, with those boots he must be apart of the barefoot running movement.

Guys that make you LOLZ

- Nashville Predators

There's a Chris Hansen To Catch a Predator joke in here somewhere, but being that it's Nashville, I'm going go with the country music joke. He "spits radioactive plasma"? Is "The Predator" Alan Jackson?

- Chicago Blackhawks

You can see Marvel trying their hardest not to go with the native american route. Instead they just made him a guy with a flying suit. This isn't as out of left-feild as it seems. The team was originally named after an air unit in World War I and there's also those helicopters that are always being downed and then written about in screenplays and then made into movies starring Josh Hartnett. That explains the rotor blades on his back, but he better not kick his feet back or he'll lose a foot. My favorite part? His olympic luge helmet.

- Toronto Maple Leafs

He's a tree. I realize that "Maple Leafs" is tough to make sound intimidating. It's not even in the correct plural/singular form of the word, "leaf", but the only way he could've been worse is if he were an actual maple leaf, with a big smiley grin for a face, and the ability to make syrup as its power. They should've gone with a Captain America-like dude in blue and white spandex with a Maple Leaf on his shield. There's nothing cool about maple trees.

- New York Rangers

He's riding some kind of subway/motorcycle contraption. The LOZ come in when it was pointed out to me that it can be misconstrued as a certain female pleasure device, known as the "Sybian". Look up that one on your own and don't do it while you're at work.

- Detroit Red Wings

He has red wings, get it? He's a cessna with training wheels. If you're wondering where his original 6 badge is, they put it on his left shoulder so it's not visible in this picture.

- San Jose Sharks

He's a "technological genious and software empath". This makes sense seeing how San Jose is apart of Sillicon Valley where computer engineers and software developers are mainly headquartered, but they managed to misspell "genius". This whole thing is jeenyus, Marvel.

In his half-man, half-shark body he's reminiscent of a show I watched as a kid called, Street Sharks. If you don't remember Street Sharks, it was about four brothers who were chemically altered by a mad scientist to look like sharks, but they retained their arms and legs. It was easily the biggest rip-off spawned in the wake of the success of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Children of the 90's may also remember other Ninja Turtles rip-offs like, Biker Mice From Mars, Swat Kats, Bucky O'hare, Samurai Pizza Cats, the aforementioned Mighty Ducks, the Animated Series, and my favorite of all, Wild West C.O.W. Boys of Moo-Mesa. Scientifically altered anthropomorphic animals that fought crime were all the rage in the early to mid 90's.

By the way, youtube is a fantastic resource for remembering your childhood. I just watched an episode of Cowboys of Moo Mesa and it occurred to me that a lot of children's programming pretty much exists with the notion in my mind that kids are dumb. I understand why I liked it as a 6 year old, but I wouldn't watch this show as an adult. Cows that ride horses, that's not even...come on. That'd be like a gorilla riding a human as a means of transportation.

Check out the Moo Mesa intro here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G_zbeX6yoRI

The Unoriginals

This rag tag group is made up of superheroes who've clearly ripped their looks from superheroes of the past. At this point it appears that Marvel got lazy and just started repurposing existing heroes. It's almost like they said, "jesus, how many of these stupid things do we have to come up with. 30. 30?! Let's just rip off other guys that already exist. It's Friday and I want to get out of here."

- Vancouver Canucks

The Canuck is Batman, whale style. Whale Man. Though you'd expect somebody named "Whale Man" to be the fat champion of obese people in trouble. I'd read that.

- Phoenix Coyotes

The Coyote is Wolverine. I guess they figured nobody would notice as the Coyotes are averaging less than 10,000 fans a game. He can control sand, but what's with the T-Rex back there?

- Edmonton Oilers

The Oiler is just Juggernaut from the X-Men. Also, Edmonton is one of the coldest habitable places on the planet. A sleeveless shirt just wouldn't be practical.

- Florida Panthers

The Panther is simply The Black Panther. They didn't even try to change him. They took their own Marvel guy and put him in a different costume.

- Atlanta Thrashers

Is the Guardian Project's very own, "The Blackhawk"! They're like...exactly the same guy.

For a more in-depth look at each guardian, check out the main webpage. http://www.guardianproject30.com/bios.php

Each guardian has their own back-story and their own personal villain. They all team up to fight some guy named "Deven Dark".

We laugh at stuff like this, but recently the NHL has finally gotten their head on straight. They crushed it with "24/7 with the Penguins and Capitals" on HBO, the Winter Classic on new year's day was killer (best of all, Pittsburgh lost), and they got positive press for the all-star game fantasy draft. Of all the 4 major leagues, the National Hockey League is the worst at making inroads to find new fans and promoting their game, but it seems they're finally showing some IQ in the marketing department.

There you have it. If you agree, disagree, or have thoughts of your own. Share them with me at sportshatemeSHM@gmail.com OR follow us on twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/SeanofUnionBlue

Bengals Mini-helmet version 2.0

2011-01-21T15:50:00.002-05:00

A couple weeks back I posted my step-by-step rundown of my custom Cincinnati Bengals helmet in which I attempted to make the Bengals helmet closer to nature.

That post can be found here: http://sportshateme.blogspot.com/2011/01/arts-and-crafts-time-my-cincinnati.html

Like anything done for the first time, I made some mistakes. Chief among them not waiting long enough for the black base layer to completely cure. When I removed the masked off stripes it removed much of the black paint with it. Looking back, it was an ambitious undertaking for my first try.

For my second try I skipped the black bottom layer and instead applied the decals over the top of the white and orange. I figured this would look cleaner and would be easier to execute.

Other than that each step was done in exactly the same way.

The finished product (note the awesome NFL helmet bedsheets):

oh and by request, the white facemask compared to the black facemask

I still like the white better.

Thanks guys for your input and help. I really love the way it turned out and I'm thankful so many people were interested in this little project of mine.

There you have it. If you agree, disagree, or have thoughts of your own. Share them with me at sportshatemeSHM@gmail.com OR follow us on twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/SeanMcCarthySHM

Why Everyone Hates You For Being a Steelers Fan.

2011-01-20T19:16:00.013-05:00

The Pittsburgh Steelers are in the AFC Championship game again and this Sunday they host the New York Jets in what they hope will be their 8th trip to the Super Bowl. I can't say I feel good about this. This has been on the top of my mind for a long time and I'd like to collect my thoughts in this forum because in regular conversation or facebook comments the discussion almost always devolves into name-calling and dick-measuring. I firmly believe that the fans of the Pittsburgh Steelers, for reasons both in and out of their control, are among the worst fans in professional sports.

So what do I know about Steeler fans? Well prior to this season I've spent each of the last 4 football seasons in Athens, Ohio. With Athens being the home of Ohio University and of relatively the same distance from Cincinnati, Cleveland, and Pittsburgh, it's a melting pot of NFL football fandom. I'm convinced there's no better place to be on NFL Sunday than Athens. There's a sizable group of fans from the Bengals, Browns, and Steelers fanbases, and each has their own designated watering hole. There's also a small group of people who cheer for teams outside of the AFC North. They meet at BW3's on Sunday. I've even seen a guy in a Maurice Jones-Drew Jaguars jersey. We don't need to talk about them.

Funny story, I once saw 4 friends walking down Court Street sidewalk with each one wearing a different jersey of a team from the AFC North. Even Baltimore (the hard one to find) was represented. It was inspiring and beautiful in its diplomacy.

So I know a lot of Steelers fans. I'm actually friends with a few of them, believe it or not, but that doesn't sway me from believing that they are the worst fans in the NFL.

Am I objective enough to talk about the Steelers? Probably not. I hate the Steelers more than any team in pro sports. I hate Hines Ward and his fat smiling face. I hate Ben Roethlisberger and his ability to lumber out of any backfield sack, though I do find it hilarious that college aged girls are still wearing his jersey. We're not going to let you sweep that under the rug, Steeler fans. I hate their competently run organization. I hate the terrible towel (Is it really that terrible or are you just fans of alliteration?). My OCD hates that the logo is only on one freaking side of the helmet and overall I hate that they win year in and year out. I hate the Steelers so much I don't understand how anyone could like them. I'm not objective at all, but I'm still going to try to politely compose my thoughts.

*hurl*

Before we get to my reasoning allow me to explain some things before you misconstrue what I'm trying to say. First, this isn't an argument about on-field success. A Bengals fan will lose that battle every single time against a Steelers fan. I'm not denying the Steelers 6 Super Bowl titles, nor am I denying their sustained success since their first Super Bowl championship in 1974. Actually, it'll help prove my point later. The Steelers are a well-run, intelligently operated organization that does a lot of things right, and I'll give my respect to the team in that regard. However, that's not what we're talking about here.

I'm also not talking about a specific subsection of Steelers fans or the fact that they have thousands of bandwagon fans with no connection to the city of Pittsburgh. I don't care how you became a fan of the Steelers. I don't care if you're from Pittsburgh. I don't care if you live in Pittsburgh. I don't care if you're one of the many bandwagon fans that lives outside of Pittsburgh. I don't care if your parents are Steelers fans. I don't care if you're a 4th generation Steelers fan. I don't care if your dad played for the Steelers. I don't care if your dad is Terry Bradshaw. I don't care how you became a fan or how long you've been a fan. All that matters to me is that you are a fan of the Steelers.

Thirdly, am I jealous of the Steelers success? Yes. Am I bitter? Yes. I'm not denying that either. I'll own that all day long. I wish the Brown family operated the Bengals like the Rooneys operate the Steelers. I wish the Steelers had allowed Carson Palmer to play more than one snap in 2005's wildcard round. I wish the Bengals had 1/6th of the Steelers' super bowl success. I'm incredibly envious of what Steeler fans get every single season, and the fact that cheering against the Steelers has worked about as well as cheering for the Bengals, but that's not what I'm talking about.

I'm not talking about how the Steelers seemingly get every bounce (ie. This season when the Bills' Stevie Johnson dropped the game winning TD pass with no coverage in OT) or that they seemingly get every favorable call (ie the phantom holding call on Baltimore's Defense last week, or the entirety of Super Bowl XL), and I'm not talking about how injuring Carson Palmer made it unquestionably easier for the Steelers to beat the Bengals in 05. Like I said, I'm bitter, you would be too.

So what am I talking about? I'm talking about why being a Steelers fan automatically makes you the worst fan in sports.

When you become a fan of a professional sports franchise you make a deal that in exchange for paying for tickets and merchandise, and devoting your time and energy while watching crappy teams perform poorly, they'll give you one or two (if you're lucky) really good teams that go onto win championships.

Pittsburgh fans have weaseled out of the first condition of being a fan. Being a Steelers fan is incredibly easy. There's no struggle, there's no sacrifice. There's never a point where they look at another losing season and question why they're still a fan. They never have to watch a season fall apart in September. The only thing easier than being a Steelers fan is being a Yankees fan.

But Sean, what about the Patriots or the Colts, haven't their fans had it pretty easy? True, but both franchises have also had downright horrible seasons, recently too. Prior to this decade both franchises have a history of long stretches of futility. The Steelers do not, not since 1972 at least. In the last 25 years the Steelers worst record is a 5-11 in 1988. No Steelers fan my age remembers that season. They never have the absolutely hopeless, miserable, depressing seasons that every other NFL franchise has gone through. I'm talking 0-16 (Lions), 1-15, 2-14, 3-13. At this point I'd be happy if the Steelers just once went a Bengalian 4-12.

In 2003 they went 6-10. How cute, they think that's bad. That must've been awful for you guys. That 6-10 finish led to drafting Ben Roethlisberger. In 2004 they went 15-1. In 2005, they won the Super Bowl.

But Sean, the Steelers didn't win the Super Bowl from 1979 through 2004. Also true, but losing becomes easier when you have 4 titles to fall back on. You think Bills fans would be so strung out about their 4 Super Bowl losses if they won the first one or if they'd won one since? No way. When your team is good in the NFL you get to watch meaningful football all season long. When they're in the playoffs you get to go to playoff parties, gather with friends, and you get to do that every time they advance. Even if the end result isn't a Super Bowl championship, at least you didn't have to endure a long tedious season of bad football. If the Steelers are eliminated by the Jets on Sunday their fans won't bat an eye because they already have 6 in the bank. On the other side, a loss by the Jets, a team that hasn't won the Super Bowl since 1969, will be felt a lot harder.

But Sean, the Steelers were pathetically terrible before the 70's. Again, true, but how many Steeler fans were even alive for that period? Even if they were and are old enough to remember it, the last 40 seasons of league dominance has done more than enough to heal any old wounds.

I guess I should point out that selecting an NFL team is generally an arbitrary process. Few people choose their favorite team. Most people grow up from a young age liking one team for one reason or another and stick with it, but rarely is it a conscious decision.

Also, being a fan of a team means what they do in the front office and on the playing surface is completely out of your control. Fans can make noise and make it more difficult for the visiting team, but as an individual there's really nothing you can do to help your team win and you certainly aren't a better person for liking a winning team. We're all just along for the ride.

Because it's so arbitrary and out of your control, being a fan of a consistently good team is essentially like being born to rich parents. Basically, you're fortunate to be given a team that wins more often than not because you have no role in their victories. Constantly boasting about on-field performance is like bragging about how much money your dad has. You had no say in it so why are you shouting? And it is true, Steeler fans love to boast.

Steeler fans are the NFL's rich kids. There's no struggle, you don't have to work for anything, but you're given everything you could ever want. It's why the Saints winning the Super Bowl in 2009 was a far better story than the Steelers winning it in 2008. They were a historically terrible franchise and their fans deserved it with all their years of supporting a horrible team. The Steelers fans didn't deserve anything in 2008.

For that struggle, I respect Saints fans. I respect the fans of the Lions, the Chiefs, the Chargers, the Bills, the Falcons, the Vikings, and I even respect Browns fans. I respect any fan who has stuck around through the entirety of a down period and remained through thick and thin. I have no respect for fans of the Steelers because there is no thin. None.

As if it couldn't get any worse, the NHL's Pittsburgh Penguins have 3 championships of their own in the last 20 years. What the hell?

So call the whambulance, but I hope the Jets win. I hope they win by 50. I hope the Steelers are demoralized and it sets them back for a decade. If they do beat New York I hope they're defeated by either the Bears or Packers in the Super Bowl. Those are the things I hope for, but a lifetime of watching Steeler teams troll their way through the NFL has left me with that same sinking feeling as always. I'm not optimistic. Come on Jets, Packers, Bears! Do it for the rest of us and rescue us from another Pittsburgh championship. Save us from the NFL's version of the trust fund babies.

At least the Pirates suck. Thank god for baseball's pay structure.

There you have it. If you agree, disagree, or have thoughts of your own. Share them with me at sportshatemeSHM@gmail.com OR follow us on twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/SeanMcCarthySHM

Arts and Crafts Time! My Cincinnati Bengals Helmet Project

2011-01-08T16:05:00.004-05:00

I've been a Cincinnati Bengals fans for as long as I can remember. Part of what attracted me as a little kid was their awesome tiger striped helmet.

It satisfies every aspect of a good football helmet. It's 1.) unique in football, 2.) instantly recognizable, 3.) looks sharp from any angle, and 4.) descriptive.

That said, if we're going for accuracy, real Bengal tigers aren't exclusively orange and black. No, real tigers have white underbellies that fade into the orange of their back while the black stripes remain constant.

SHM's favorite picture

So I set out to make a zoologically (is that a word?) accurate Cincinnati Bengals helmet. To save cash and resources I decided to use mini helmets because they're smaller, cheaper, and easier to work with.

here's a quick mockup:

I started with a blank shell that I bought online. I used black because I needed black as the base color.

next, I removed the pads, chinstrap, and front and rear bumpers. and taped off the pad in the middle of the shell.

I then masked off the stripes using the tiger stripes ripped from this Bengals mini helmet I bought online. Ebay is a beautiful thing.

With the black stripes masked off the next step was adding the orange top-coat. Sprayed the whole helmet several times with a plastic-special orange gloss spray paint.

Now, I don't pretend to be a graffiti artist, but I'm kinda proud of this next step. To get the white to orange fade I was looking for I sprayed the bottom half of the helmet with white gloss using cardboard to keep from spraying too much of the helmet.

Once it dried I cut the stripes out using an exacto knife and peeled them off revealing the black layer underneath.

The adhesive from the stripes left some residue on the base layer and some rogue orange paint snuck in, but it's nothing that can't be cleaned up later. Also, that is my real arm hair. My great grandfather may have been a gorilla.

reattached the front and rear bumpers, glued the ear pads back in, snapped on the chinstrap, and fit the new white facemask (also purchased online) to make the helmet complete.

All that's left is to clean up the stripes, and add the NFL sticker, bumper stickers, green dot, and warning stickers that are in the mail. Other than that, I think the zoologically (did I make that word up?) accurate Bengals helmet turned out pretty cool, but I am in no way endorsing a change from their current and classic 6-striped helmet. WHO-DEY

Bengals mini version 2.0 can be found here: http://sportshateme.blogspot.com/2011/01/bengals-mini-helmet-version-20.html

There you have it. If you agree, disagree, or have thoughts of your own. Share them with me at sportshatemeSHM@gmail.com OR follow us on twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/SeanMcCarthySHM

NFL Playoff Predictions

2011-01-06T17:03:00.000-05:00

At this time last year I was nervously anticipating the Bengals appearance in the postseason against the New York Jets. I expected to be in the same situation again this year. The Bengals only improved personnel wise and they were coming back with the confidence they had from winning the AFC North the year before. They finished 4 and 12 and lost ten games in a row in that stretch. Needless to say, they're not in the playoffs this year. This leaves me without a real rooting interest in the NFL's postseason. Last year I was leaning heavy on the Saints because I loved their story, but other than the hope that Pittsburgh doesn't get to the Super Bowl again and If I can help it, neither do the Patriots, I'm struggling to find a team to get behind.

Last year I picked the Bengals to win the Super Bowl because I'm an undeniable homer and my bias knows no bound. With only rooting interest against some teams my judgment is less clouded for the 2011 playoffs. So here they are, my picks for the 2010 NFL Playoffs that are sure to be wrong.

Each pick is only for the winner of the game. No line will be provided, no score will be provided.

AFC WIldcard

The "Peyton Manning is better than Mark Sanchez" Pick.

This is the Colts 9th consecutive playoff appearance, which ties an NFL record. To put that in perspective, the Bengals have 9 playoff appearances in their 40+ year history. The Jets have just 13 in their 50 year history. Most of the credit for this streak goes to Peyton Manning, the Colts reliable quarterback. It just goes to show what kind of standards the Colts are operating under. Their "bad" season is a 10-6 campaign and the AFC's 3 seed hosting a home wildcard game against the Jets. Wasn't that exact set of circumstances considered one of the Bengals' all-time great years one year ago?

I'm taking the Colts to beat the Jets. Despite playing in two of the last four Super Bowls the Colts have a reputation as playoff choke artists. I don't think it happens here. The Colts will outscore a Jets offense that has gotten back on track as of late, but I won't bet against Manning in a battle of Manning and Sanchez.

The "not-yet-ready-for-the-big-show" Pick

The Chiefs remind me of the Bengals from a year ago. They run the ball well, they don't score a ton of points, and they play solid defense. They also came out of nowhere and won a weak division. The Raiders went 6-0 in the west, but 2-8 outside of it just to show what we're dealing with.

This is the first home playoff game for the notoriously loud Arrowhead Stadium since 2003, but I think the Ravens who are making their third consecutive playoff appearance will take this one. They've won 3 road playoff games in the last two years and I don't think the Chiefs are ready to deal with the Ravens' experience...or their offense or their defense.

NFC WIldcard

The "Saints are a walking MASH unit, but you're still 7-9" Pick

The Seahawks won the NFC West with a record of 7-9, which is the first time in league history that a division has been captured with a sub .500 record. Watching the game between the Seahawks and Rams that decided the winner of the NFC West was the funniest/saddest football game I've seen in a while. It was like watching an episode of 16 & Pregnant. It was two morons arguing over something and you know nothing good is going to come out of one of them.

The only thing better than a 7-9 team winning their division would be said 7-9 team winning a playoff game. I don't think it's going to happen, even with the Saints battered offense with Reggie Bush as the lead back. Remember when it used to be a good thing to have Reggie Bush as your featured back? Saints over Seahawks, but the Hawks will make it closer than everyone thinks.

The "Aaron Rodgers seems like a really good dude" Pick

The Packers quarterback seems like a really good dude. Just does. I like the Packers over the Eagles. Just because. Rhyming pick.

I don't trust Vick and I think the Packers have the defense to contain him while the Eagles won't be able to stop Aaron Rodgers on the other side. I'm going with Green Bay.

AFC Divisional Playoffs

The "Tom Brady looks like adult Simba" Pick

With his long hair, every time Tom Brady gets on his teammates I think of that scene at the end of Lion King where Simba fights Scar. The Ravens are scar. They won last year in Foxboro in the playoffs, but like Simba the Patriots will come back older, wiser, and with cool dude surfer hair. I'm picking the Patriots in this one because they're 14-2, they play solid football all around, they don't make mistakes, and they've learned the lesson the Ravens taught them a year ago and that's be ready for Ray Rice. The Ravens defense is old, and not great against the pass. Expect Brady to exploit that.

The "Anybody but the Steelers" Pick

At a bar on New Year's Eve a Steelers fan asked me, "how does it feeeeeel to be out of the plaaaaayofffss, Suckaaaaa?". That's actually what he said with the same tone and inflection, not making that up. I replied, "normal". Because it is normal for me. Steeler fans feel like they're entitled to the playoffs every year and it's why everyone around the league hates you, Pittsburgh. Your team wins all the time, but you aren't cool about it. Colts fans are. I'm picking the Colts and I'm not even going to explain why. This is my bias-clouded-homerific pick.

NFC Divisional Playoffs

The "Falcons are this year's Saints" Pick

Prior to last season the Atlanta Falcons had never had back-to-back winning seasons and now they're 13-3 and the NFC's number 1 seed. Matt Ryan is becoming one of the NFL's top quarterbacks and Micheal Turner will be good to go. In a rowdy Georgia Dome, I'm taking the Falcons over the Packers.

The "I don't trust Jay Cutler" Pick

In the playoffs a lot of a team's success hinges on the play of their quarterback. Jay Cutler of the Bears has been solid this season, but he's still a mini Brett Favre. He has a tendency to throw interceptions at the wrong time and I don't like putting him into a position of pressure. Also, I like the Saints and their experience. Going with the Saints in this rematch of the 2006 NFC championship game.

Conference Championships

AFC

The "Haven't we done this before?" Pick

The Patriots and Colts has been the rivalry of the last decade. They met for the AFC Championship in 2003 and 2006. They've combined for 6 of the last ten AFC Championships and they have two of the best quarterbacks in the league. I think the Patriots win though.

NFC

The "NFC South battle" Pick

The Saints and Falcons have developed a pretty nasty rivalry. The Falcons seem to have taken the luck of the Saints and will ride it to a victory to go their second super bowl in franchise history. I'm basing this pick off of the game the two teams played two weeks ago where the Falcons barely lost a game they didn't really need. I think they play with more fire in the NFC championship and avoid "Brett Favreing" themselves into losing to the Saints.

Super Bowl 45

The "Holy-hell that's a terrible logo" Pick

That is just an absolutely terrible Super Bowl logo. It's all I can think about. If you haven't heard, and it's likely that most of you haven't, the NFL has moved away from unique and different logos for each Super Bowl and instead has instituted a "logo system". Apparently from now on, every Super Bowl logo will be a gray scale lombardi trophy atop the roman numerals with a defining feature of the host city behind it. As a logo dork, this is upsetting.

According to the Patriots players this team is better than the one that went undefeated in 2007. They lost early to the Jets, but avenged it with a 45-3 Monday night beatdown. They had one lapse where they seemed disinterested in Cleveland, but they'll be mentally prepared without the distraction of going undefeated in the Super Bowl. Atlanta is 13-3, but the NFC was down this year without a truly great team.

I think the Patriots win their fourth Super Bowl.

Don't hold me to this.

There you have it. If you agree, disagree, or have thoughts of your own. Share them with me at sportshatemeSHM@gmail.com OR follow us on twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/SportsHateMe

Remember when OU beat Georgetown...Favorite Memories of 2010

2010-12-30T13:28:00.000-05:00

I'm going to miss 2010. Mostly because I liked saying "twenty-ten". Twenty-eleven" is too clunky. There's one too many syllables and your mouth has to drawl through it. "Two thousand eleven" isn't much better. It's the alliteration that made it work and it was just one of the many good things about the year itself. Those of you reading may think that 2010 was not kind to me, but personally, I loved it. I graduated from school, I made some cash, I paid some bills. Sports-wise, it was actually relatively successful (by my standards). Nobody advanced in the playoffs or even won a playoff game, but two of my teams actually participated in the postseason within the same calendar year. I can't remember the last time that happened.

This is a blog about how sports hate me and 2010 provided plenty of evidence to support that claim. However, I try to keep things positive so here's what I remember most fondly about the year "Twenty-Ten". My two favorite personal sports moments of the last year.

March - 14 seeded Ohio University upsets 3 seed Georgetown

Ohio University students rarely have much to get excited about when it comes to sporting achievements from their own school. Go to Court Street on Autumn Saturdays and you'll find more scarlet than green. Accomplishments by the Bobcats on the field of play are few and far between, but in early 2010 the student body, blessed alumni, and anyone who'd ever been fortunate enough to call Athens, Ohio home were given reason to put on their green and stand up and cheer.

Simply making the big dance was an accomplishment in itself. They were long shots just to come out of the MAC as they were a modest 17-14 going into the conference Tournament. The Bobcats were 9 seeds and earned a berth in the NCAA tournament by way of victories over Ball State (in OT), 1 seeded Kent State, 4 seeded Miami (FACE), and then took out Akron in the title game with an 81-75 overtime victory.

Winning the MAC meant an invitation to the NCAA Tournament. OU was given a 14 seed and paired against 3 seeded Georgetown. 14 seed? Who cares? National powerhouse Georgetown? Who cares? The Bobcats knocked down shot after shot. It felt like they couldn't miss anything from three point range and Georgetown didn't have an answer. OU looked like the confident higher seed and by halftime had built a 48-37 lead. In the second half Georgetown pulled within five, but a barrage of threes by Armon Bassett, Tommy Freeman, and DJ Cooper (who moonlights as Steve Urkel's stunt double in his spare time) pushed the lead back to a comfortable margin. Cooper's alley-hoop pass finished off by Devaughn Washington became the signature image of the upset victory. Bassett finished with 32 points, Cooper with 23 and the Bobcats not only pulled off the upset, but smoked Georgetown, 97-83.

Boom goes the dynamite.

The number 2 party school in the nation doesn't need an excuse to celebrate, but we'll take one anyways. I was watching the game from an apartment above Court Street (Athens' main drag) with a balcony that extends over the sidewalk. It was the absolute best place to witness the chaos and excitement that ensued immediately after the game ended. For those that don't know, Athens has somewhere between between 15 and 25 bars. From where I was standing I could see a mass of people empty out of Broney's, Courtside, The Junction, Pawpurr's, The Pub, Pigskin, The Crystal, The CI, Redbrick Tavern, Cat's Eye, and Lucky's. They all met in the middle of the street for a spontaneous celebration that lasted for what felt like over an hour.

Within minutes a mob of thousands flooded the street. The Cops, to their credit allowed it to continue, and closed the street to traffic. A camera crew came up and joined us on our balcony, which brought the crowd right in front of us. I stood next to the camera with its giant light and felt like the coolest kid in Athens. OU football players, safety Patrick Tafua and QB Boo Jackson led the crowd in chants and cheers. My personal favorite being "What's a Hoya? clap clap clapclapclap Bobcat's bitch!".

Pictured: Joy

Most importantly, there was pride for being an Ohio University student. The best part was the sense of community we all felt. This small town in the foothills of Appalachia had just taken down a national power, a member of the mighty Big East conference, a school from freaking Washington D.C.. Our small little college town was on the national news and it wasn't because of a riot. Nobody wanted to leave, nobody wanted the party to end. It was, perfect.

Two days later the Bobcats looked jittery and nervous against Tennessee in the second round eventually losing by 15 points. Such is the life of a MAC sports fan. Still, I'll always remember the night we beat Georgetown. Out of all of the people who have gone to OU, I honestly feel privileged to have been one of the Ohio University students fortunate enough to have been in Athens and on Court Street that night, one of the happiest nights Athens has ever seen.

September - Jay Bruce Clinches N.L. Central

The 2010 Cincinnati Reds were the definition of "pleasant surprise". They had a pitching staff, something I never thought I'd see. I remember the days when Eric Milton was our opening day starter. They were defensively the best team in the National League. Also something I never thought I'd see. I remember the days when Felipe Lopez was making untimely error after untimely error at shortstop. They had opportune hitting. They had cagey veterans in Scott Rolen, Orlando Cabrera, and later Jim Edmonds. They had overachieving sparkplugs in Jonny Gomes, Drew Stubbs, and Paul Janish. Bullpen stability with Arthur Rhodes and controlled instability with Francisco Cordero. They had a phenom, Aroldis Chapman, and the National League MVP with Mr. Joseph Votto. There were a lot of really great moments in the 2010 season in which the Reds went 91-71 (their first winning season since 2000), but my favorite of them all is without question Jay Bruce's walk-off home run to clinch the NL Central.

Inarguably, the lowest moment of the Reds 2010 campaign was getting swept at home in early August by St. Louis after a nasty brawl in the first game of the series. My friend Josh and I were in attendance for the brawl and after losing the game I don't think I've ever felt more dejected leaving a stadium/arena. It was a sinking feeling because the Cardinals were the more experienced team with the better pitching staff. Every baseball instinct in my body was telling me that the Reds season was over.

"Your mother's tostadas were only the third best I've ever eaten"

The Cardinals left town with a one game lead and the division title was seemingly theirs to lose. They did. They suffered baffling series losses down the stretch to the likes of Pittsburgh, Milwaukee, and Chicago. Meanwhile, the Reds showed their resiliency with a 7 game winning streak after the "devastating" sweep by the Cardinals. The series against St. Louis was supposed to give the momentum to the Cards and demoralize the Reds. It did the opposite. The sweep galvanized the Reds and brought them together as a team. They never looked back.

The best moment of the season was set up by a combination of wins and losses by the Reds and Cardinals. I watched as the magic number dwindled to under ten, which was a first for me. The last time the Reds won the division was 1995 and I was 8. Previously the only magical summer I'd had was 1999. That Reds team won 96 games and lost a heartbreaking one game playoff to the Mets for the wildcard. Still the most wins by a team that didn't make the playoffs in the wild card era.

With the Magic number at two and the Reds on the road in San Diego a terrible thought popped into my head. "We're going to win the next game, the Cards will lose, and then we'll clinch on the road watching the Cardinals on TV." It would've been in the words of Reds-LIve host Jim Day, "lame". The Cardinals didn't lose and the Reds did win. It dropped the magic number to one and the Reds came back to Cincinnati hoping to clinch in front of the home crowd. The problem was they had an off day on September 27 while the Cardinals didn't. To get my climactic moment I needed the Cardinals to beat the Pirates. I felt sick cheering for St. Louis, but they did beat Pittsburgh, 6-4. I needed to see that moment where the team piles on the field and pops champagne in the clubhouse.

It set up my moment of the year. The Astros were in town and Wandy Rodriguez, a serviceable starter for Houston, was on the hill. The Reds jumped out to a 1-0 lead in the first, but gave up two in the second. The Reds trailed until the 6th when Brandon Phillips singled in Orlando Cabrera. The game remained tied, that is until the bottom of the 9th. I turned to my mom and said, "Jay Bruce hasn't gone yard for awhile." First pitch, gone, over the center field wall.

click to hear hall-of-famer Marty Brennaman's fantastic call

It was as climactic as it could've possibly been. For the first time in 15 years my favorite baseball team was going to the playoffs. I spent the next two hours texting every Reds fan in my phone. I couldn't go to sleep. I had to watch the post-game celebration. Aforementioned Jim Day proclaimed that he would shave his head if the Reds won the World Series. Rookie Pitcher Mike Leake called him a "pussy" on live air. Also on live air Dusty Baker said "god damn, I'm happy" and Arthur Rhodes showered Day with champagne and said "take that sh*t, bitch". It was everything I'd always hoped it would be. I could really get used to making the baseball postseason.

You all know the end to the story. The Reds dropped to the three seed which forced them to play Philadelphia instead of Atlanta. The Phillies were a far more experienced postseason team and totally outclassed the Reds. The most memorable and personal lamp smashing moment was Roy Halladay's game 1 no-hitter. We don't talk about that game. In game 2 the Reds had a 4-0 lead and then errors by Brandon Phillips, Scott Rolen, and then a huge error by Jay Bruce in rightfield allowed the Phillies to come back. The best defensive team in the NL erred their way out of a victory. The Reds lost game 3 in a blur. Chase Utley hit a home run and Cole Hamels shut out the Reds offense. My personal playoff losing streak extended to 14 (4 in 95 NLCS, 1 in 99 one game playoffs, Bengals 2005, 4 by the Blue Jackets in 09, Bengals 2009, and 3 by the Reds in 2010 NLDS) Sports Hate Me.

It was an unceremonious end to a great season, but I hope there's many more seasons like this to come in the future and with the young pitching staff and solid lineup, I think the Reds have a window that should stay open for the next few years.

Odds and Ends

Great Moments

Chicago Blackhawks, San Francisco Giants end long championship droughts. The Blackhawks are one of hockey's original 6 franchise and hadn't won the Stanley Cup since 1961. Young talent in Patrick Kane, Jonathon Toews, and Dustin Byfuglien scored timely goals, and solid defense held up average goal-tending. They beat Philadelphia in overtime of game 6 to capture their first cup in nearly 50 years. The Giants hadn't won a world series since moving west and were haunted by Game 6 of the 2002 world series. The band of misfits surprised everyone with their series win over the Philadelphia Phillies and they took American League Champions, Texas Rangers, down in five games. If you have some spare time search Giants closer, Brian Wilson on Youtube. It's worth it.

The Philadelphia Flyers only made the playoffs because of a shootout victory over the New York Rangers. A month and a half later the Eastern Conference's 7th seed found themselves in the Stanley Cup Finals. On their way there they encountered a speed bump few teams have ever come back from. They were down 3 games to none to the Boston Bruins. The Flyers managed to come all the way back to force game 7, but quickly found themselves down to the Bruins in Boston 3 goals to none. The Flyers scored 4 goals in the last period and a half and won the game 4-3. Unbelievable.

Saints winning the Super Bowl. There's a certain kinship between the fans of long suffering NFL franchise. I feel a connection to Detroit Lions fans and to a certain extent even Cleveland Browns fans. The same could be said for true fans of the New Orleans Saints. They were downtrodden for so long and then when Hurrican Katrina hit it made it even more incredible what they were able to accomplish. It gives all the fans of bad teams hope that one day they will also stand on the Super Bowl podium.

US soccer advanced to the elimination round of the world cup. It wasn't pretty at all. They needed a lucky misplay by the English goal-keeper to tie England, a two goal comeback to tie Slovenia, and a miraculous last second goal by Landon Donavon to beat Algeria. They lost to Ghana in the next round, but team USA still managed to win their group and that is a big accomplishment in itself.

Joey Votto getting MVP. The first baseman for the Cincinnati Reds is one of sports' truly good guys. In 2010 he hit .324 with a .424 on base percentage. He also drove in 113 RBI and 37 home runs. After taking a month off in 2009 because of stress and depression related to his father's death Joey Votto was able to beat out the likes of Albert Pujols, Adrian Gonzalez, and Carlos Gonzalez for the 2010 award. This is a great story.

Bad Memories

Sidney Crosby beating team USA in overtime in the Olympic Gold Medal Game. I'm one of about 15 people who follows USA hockey outside of the Olympics. I even have a team USA jersey from the 88 Calgary Olympics with my name on the back. To see team USA go into the gold medal game in Vancouver and lose in overtime was heart breaking. It was especially heart breaking because the Americans had come back from a 2 goal deficit. Zach Parise of the New Jersey Devils tied the game with 28 seconds left. In overtime I got three texts asking me if it was the "golden goal" format. I replied "yes, and don't ever call it that again." For the Americans, it was more like silver goal. Sidney Crosby, usually of the Pittsburgh Penguins, lifted the puck past Ryan Miller's right shoulder with a low percentage, bad angle shot. It's the kind of goal that only Crosby can score and it ended a great game with the bad guys winning.

In any consolation, it was a great game that had the nation talking about hockey and at least it's good to know that I could beat Crosby in a beard growing contest.

Duke beating Butler in the National Championship Game. All I'm going to say is I hate Duke now more than ever. Before they were this cute story about a small academic school that wins the national title a couple times a decade. Now, they're evil. They robbed us all of a moment. Butler, a school from nowhere, in a conference from nowhere came within inches of being the National Champions. It would've been the story of the decade and Duke smashed it with a big blue devil's pitchfork. Thanks for nothing, Dookies.

Bengals losing back-to-back to the Jets and getting eliminated in the wild card round of the playoffs. In the early part of 2010 I did something that I had never done before. I watched the Cincinnati Bengals play in a playoff game. "But Sean, they were in the playoffs in 2005, remember?" Yes, I do remember. I never saw it. I had a high school hockey game that started at the exact same time. I was crushed when I learned what time the game would start. In the locker-room during the first intermission one of the parents stormed in and told everyone about Carson Palmer's knee injury. It was miserable and I didn't need to see the rest. I played like a zombie and the worst part was that the team we were playing, Thomas Worthington, was awful that year. I didn't need to be there. We beat them something like 8-2 and I think I even had an assist, but I couldn't take my mind off of Carson Palmer and the Steelers injuring his knee.

As for the 2010 playoff game. Also miserable. The same team that had played so well all season and swept the AFC North made silly mistakes, missed field goals, missed tackles, missed execution and it all led to missing a trip to the next round. Perhaps it was foreshadowing for the 2010 season when they lost ten straight. Another bad memory.

Already mentioned, Reds get no-hit, lose game 2 in meltdown, lose game 3 at home. Hopefully we won't have to wait another 15 years to get back to the post season.

Thanks for reading my blog. I really appreciate you taking the time to listen to complaints about teams you probably don't care about. I look forward to writing in the future and I hope you continue to follow me and my sports hate.

see you all in 2011

If you agree, disagree, or have thoughts of your own. Share them with me at sportshatemeSHM@gmail.com OR follow us on twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/SportsHateMe