In 2009, his stats are laughably bad.  The guy is doing worse then previous years despite being pegged 3rd in the batting order for most of the year.  How bad?  Well, here’s a quick snapshot of OF player rankings according to one of my Yahoo pools.  Typical stats all baseball pools track with Base on Balls being an irregular addition by our commissioner.

How well is he doing?  Last year, Yahoo ranked him 50th, this year 160th.  Put it this way…. does anyone know who the fuck Ben Francisco is?  I sure don’t.  Light hitting Fukudome is ranked ahead of Rios, while Alex is lumped in with trouble making, contract hold-out and underachieving Rowand and JD Drew.  Looks like Rios is right where he belongs.

Why did I miss the Detroit series?  Well, I went to to game 1 in Detroit!  Corner seats from near the top.  Wings killed the Hawks 5-2.  Never been to JLA.  I thought the rink would be glitzier despite being old, but it was great.  Not too many corporate ads plastered everywhere like Air Canada Centre.  Had a minor league arena feel to it.  Only one snack food place took credit cards and there seemed to be no cash registers!  The servers did their math on calculators and money was stored in a drawer!  What the fucks with that?

Took the Ambassador bridge from Windsor and drove east towards downtown.  What a scary Hell Hole of 9-10 blocks that was, but when you get to the GM buildings (JLA is beside it), it’s an awesome downtown.  Clean, grassy, trees and a stark contrast to the slums 2 minutes away.

We stayed at the Hilton Hotel in Windsor.  We’ve stayed there before as our Windsor buddy got married years ago.  Back then the hotel was dumpy and had broken elevators and escalators nearby.  What did we encounter?  The same damn E&E broken.  Coincidence or cheap ass management?  I go with cheap asses.

Fun trip though.  Bonus….. on our way back, our buddy’s parents invited us for dinner.  Good food, nice place and best of all…. FREE!  Now to the finals….

Detroit (2nd in West) vs. Pittsburgh (4th in East) - Wings got some banged up players, but Lidstrom is suppose to be back for game 1.  Pitt has been a 2-man team of Crosby/Malkin. Wings have more scoring and defensive depth (assuming Lidstrom plays well).  Ozzie is playing a bit better than I thought he would, as he’s not milking strong Red Wings player in front of him for easy wins.  He’s doing his part.  Fleury isn’t actually playing that great.  Pens are winning close games and getting timely scoring from butt-buddies C&M.  If Osgood plays well, I don’t see the Pens zooming around and getting such good scoring chances in-close.  Crosby and Malkin have been getting all their goals on rebounds and shots from 6 ft out.  No way Lid, Kronwall and so forth let them do that.  Pens are a better team this year.  Though Pitt took Detroit to 6 games last year, Detroit manhandled them.  This year I see a tighter series, but the Wings should win again in 6.

Well, to match my 11/15 series picks last year…. I’d have to…. oh wait, I can’t.  Even if I pick all remaining 7 series right, I’d max out at 10/15.   Garbage.  Here’s my picks anyway:

Detroit (2) vs. Anaheim (8) - There is absolutely nothing special about Anaheim’s forwards or defensive play.  Actually, the Sharks dominated them for the most part.  It was Lucky Ass of the Year Hiller who stood on his head almost all games.  Will he repeat in round 2?  No way.  He isn’t no Patrick Roy of the mid-80s.  The Red Wings also have better finishers than SJ.  Hossa, Datsyuk and Zetty are more adept at goal scoring than Thornton, Marleau and whomever is considered their third scoring threat.  If SJ dominated play, the Wings should also.  Detroit has better d-men, but the sticking point is their goaltending.  I think Osgood should be enough to hold Anaheim.  As long as he plays a decent game, Detroit’s puck handling and possession should be enough to outplay the Ducks and wear down Hiller.  Detroit dismantled Mason last series no problem.  Detroit in 5

Vancouver (3) vs. Chicago (4) - The toughest series to pick.  Vancouver swept St. Louis, but barely did so.  The Blues outplayed Vancouver much of the time, but Luongo was godly.  For the Hawks, their forwards had much better jump against a hard hitting Flames team, combined with timely goaltending.  I still don’t trust Khabibulin.  Classic matchup.  Vets vs. youngsters.  I watched both series off and on in round 1 and thought the Hawks looked much better vs. what the Canucks looked like.  If guys like Perron, Berglund and Andy MacDonald can skate circles and forecheck Nucks d-men in, the Chicago crew of Kane, Toews, Sharp etc…. should have an easier time.  I don’t think Luongo will be so good two rounds in a row, but they do have home ice advantage.  Chicago in 6

Boston (1) vs. Carolina (6) - I knew that NJ/Caro series was a toss up.  This one shouldn’t be so much.  Unlike NJ, the Bruins have much better depth at scoring - both forwards and d-men.  Carolina had to contend with Elias, Parise and Langy.  That’s it.  The rest was on Brodeur. Bruins have Ryder, the two K guys, Savard, Chara and Wideman.  Thomas is as good as Brodeur (if not better at this stage of their careers).  Canes played great though.  They got timely scoring and as I mentioned, Ward is a really good goalie, stuck on a not-so good defensive team.  He’ll have a hard time fending off two solid lines of forwards and point blasts from C&W.  An easy series.   Boston in 5

Washington (2) vs. Pittsburgh (4) - Fuck off.  I hate to say this, but Pitt will win.  Stupid overrated Crosby.  Hope he chokes on a dry crusty Timbit.  For all the hype, he’s been riding Malkin’s coattails for ages, but it’s still English-speaking Crosby who gets recognition.  Washington has better depth at scoring, but Fleury is luckily playing awesome.  Pens would be toast if it wasn’t for him.  I don’t see that Capitals rookie goalie Varl… whatever having an easy time.  Pens are a deadlier team than the Rangers. I don’t like how the Caps had so much trouble with New York, which is supposed to a goalie-riding team. Pitt has more weapons that NYR. Pittsburgh in 6

San Jose (1) vs. Anaheim (8) - Quick exit for the Ducks.  A team with aging vets like Nied, Giggy, Pronger and Selanne.  Yeah, I know.  Getzlaf, Perry and Ryan.  Big deal.  Sharks have Pavelski, Setoguchi and Clowe.  Now compare vets against vets.  SJ wins.  Ducks have a dreadful PK, which SJ will pick apart and Anaheim was an average team for 3/4 of the season.  Their main man Giggy had another inconsistent year and was among the worst starting goalies out of all teams.  If they go with Hiller, he’ll get shell-shocked and will beg to remain a backup. SJ has no weaknesses.  They might lose to the Wings further in the playoffs, but not now. San Jose in 5

Detroit (2) vs. Columbus (7) - Like Anaheim, the BJs had a hot 2nd half, while riding the backs of a no-name goalie and Nash.  Who else is on Columbus?  Who knows.  One forward and one goalie will not get you far in the playoffs.  The Jackets have the worst PP in the league at around 12%.  That’s a hit rate of 1 goal per 8 chances.  The Wings’ PK isn’t great either, but all you have to do is stop Nash.  Have fun trying to beat Detroit even strength.  The Wings forwards and d-men are awesome as usual, but their goalies?  Osgood and Conklin.  Meh.  Pretty shabby, but should be enough to get by Columbus.  I’ll give the BJs one game at home, since they have awesomely loud fans.  Detroit in 5

Vancouver (3) vs. St. Louis (6) - Another easy series.  The Blues are hot…. red hot.  I’m too lazy to check schedules, but the Blues must be one of the best (if not best) teams in the past few months.  The have a solid duo of youngsters Boyes and Backes…. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU PRONOUNCE HIS NAME ANYWAY?…. with some vets like grisly Tkachuk and Andy McDick still plugging away points when they’re healthy  Surprisingly, St. Louis’ goals, goals against and special teams hold up well to the Nucks.  Quite close.  So what’s the hold up?  Two things.  The Blues have been playing over their head squeaking out wins and they’re goalie is not proven.  He bombed out big time last time he made it.  Luongo is Godly.  No doubt, he looks like a greaseball asshole and has a humongous nose, but when you combine him with two solid scoring lines with twin dicks the Sedins, Sundin and Demitra making two duos, lots of fire power.  Vancouver in 5

Calgary (4) vs. Chicago (5) - Finally, a tough series to call.  The Flamers fucked me up last year.  I went against the grain and chose them to beat the Sharks in 7, but SJ won it in 7. Like the Canucks, I choose Calgary mainly to goaltending.  Despite Kipper playing a little worse the last few years, he’s still a more consistent and better goalie than Habby and Huet.  Habby is among the most inconsistent goalies in the past 10-15 years and Huet has been average at best this year.  Chicago is too young and like the Senators every year, they seem like a team that will do well in the reg season, but will be dick-shit when it really counts.  I doubt Toews and Kane make it far.  I might be wrong and they’ll get by Calgary, but doubt it.  I have a feeling Calgary will play a tough game and plaster any young speedster on Chicago.  Look out!  Stretchers might be coming! Calgary in 6

Boston (1) vs. Montreal (8) - On paper, I don’t think the Habs are better at anything.  In fact, they probably get destroyed by the Bruins.  Boston even ended the season on a hot streak.  Montreal doomed to the golf course and back allies of Chez Paree?  No.  There is something about every Bruins playoffs for the past 30 years that is destined for failure…. especially against Montreal.  There’s something about Montreal’s wormy, wimpy and wirey players which Boston can never defeat.  Who knows.  Maybe it’s all that Atlantic fish crap Boston people eat or steroid injected chicken Montrealers plow through at St. Huberts. Maybe it’s the annoying French commentators screaming “Et…. Le But!  Oooh-la-la!”  Statistically and analytically, I have zero on this series.  This is all based on gut feeling and history.  Montreal in 7

Washington (2) vs. New York Rangers (7) - Apply for instant credit ASAP and max it out with your bookie.  If desperate, put the money down on a god-awful Pro-Line ticket.  Washington in a sweep.  Next!  The Rangers have Lundqvist.  That is all.  As usual, their roster is full of underachieving, overpaid and aging players.  Laughably bad.  Scott Gomez, his agent…. Markus Naslund and his agent must be frolicky in fancy foursomes as they suckered management into paying high salaries for 2nd line players (at most).  Hey, how’s Wade Redden doing?  Make that a fivesome…. a bed-riding sixer if you add his agent.  Washington has a weakness.  Mediocre goaltending.  Theodore is a joke, but like the Wings have such strong forwards and d-men, it overpowers almost everyone.  Ovechy, Semin, Backstrom, Laich, Green vs. Gomez, Drury, Naslund, Zherdev, Roszival.  Uhhhh…. yeah, that’s a hard pick.  Washington in 4

New Jersey (3) vs. Carolina (6) - A fucking hard series to pick.  They match up very well.  Brodeur is always solid.  Should be a no-brainer against Cam Ward right?  Wrong. Ward has been awesome.  He’s also an underrated goalie.  Like Tim Thomas, gets little respect.  Ward is burned because he plays for the Canes.  A team with zero coverage and historically bad defence.  I consider them a wash at this point.  Ward reminds me of Vokoun.  Solid goalie burned with mediocre d-men every year.  I go with the Devils due to their better depth.  Yeah, Carolina has Staal, Brindy and Whitney, Corvo.  But their supporting cast of Samsonov, Ruutu and Cullen I don’t trust.  I’d give the nod to 2nd and 3rd liners on New Jersey like Rolston, Madden and Zajac.  And these guys come after their guns: Parise, Elias and Langyboy.  New Jersey in 7

Pittsburgh (4) vs. Philadelphia (5) - Another mind-fucking series to pick.  At least before I pick, I know that dive-happy Crosby has finally realized he’s been humbled.  He’s a good player, but overhyped and overpromoted.  Malkin is better.  Ovechkin is better.  Zetterberg is better.  Kovalchuk is better.  Crosby has realized he’s not in the highlight reels so much anymore, so he’s been throwing some hits and getting in some fistacuffs… too bad it’s against weaklings as bad as him.  To be honest, those Sedin twins seem just as good when I watch them on NHL Centre Ice. Another statistically close series with the exception of Philly’s much superior PP. That gives them a small edge, but Pitt has two things going for them - Malkin and Crosby.  That’s it.  Their supporting cast is awful.  Their d-men are bad.  Gonchar doesn’t seem the same.  Fleury as always is overrated.  Biron and Nitty are no worse.  Philly has two solid forward lines. Carter, Richards, Briere and Gagne with good support in Hartnell, Knuble and Lupul.  Pitt’s second tier cast of Sykora and Staal are both inconsistent and often invisible.  Take it from me.  I had Sykora in a pool and he did zero in the last 2 months.  But you say Kunitz and Guerin!  Two more flame-outs who had a few lucky games. Philadelphia in 6

Network Solutions is by far, the biggest, smelliest and hairiest asses in the cyber universe.  These douches are not only a ripoff, but can’t even transfer my site properly.  All those “thank you for choosing Network Solutions” emails are total trash and if it wasn’t for my buddy doing the tech shit for me, all this Buffalo and Ottawa hate would be non-existent.  And now we can’t have that can we?  LOLOL

Enough techno crap, let’s move on to sports crap.  Two cities.  One dark cloud.  Infinite funnies.

First Ottawa.  Can we all say…. FORE!  For all the overpaid chokers, it’s time to test their skills on the greens.  Alfredsson, Spezza, Heatley, Philips, Fisher, a few coaches all for nothing.  They might even end up below .500.  Even the Columbus Blue Jackets with a payroll half the size is going to make the playoffs.  There is only 1 Stanley Cup winner, but with a huge payroll and All-Star players, at least make the playoffs.  Quite easy to see why they sucked:

1.  Overpaid babies

2.  Unproven coaches

3.  No nothing GM

4.  Historic playoff chokers

To top it off.  The fans are morons.  I went to the Sens game against the Isles a few weeks ago.  Two lousy teams.  After the game, we went to a pub for late night food.  The “establishment” had the gall to hire a security guard out front.  Sounds good, except there were about 8 people inside from 10 pm to midnight.  As dumb as this sounds, that’s only part one.  What’s part two?  The idiotic guard snickers that the Isles won’t make the playoffs as we’re walking in… “have fun golfing” he chuckles.  Uhhhh…. and guess which team also isn’t making the playoffs?  What a dummy.

Next… Buffalo.  No wait, there’s more Ottawa funnies.  Guess which defunct team is making a comeback for the 17th time?  But of course the Rough Riders.  Or is that Roughriders?  Or is it Renegades?  Or maybe double-capitalized RoughRiders?  There’s a defunct team ready to happen in 2012.

On March 25, 2008, the league ended the team’s indefinite limbo by awarding the franchise to Jeff Hunt, owner of the Ottawa 67’s. Pending the reconstruction of Frank Clair Stadium, the team will begin play in 2010.

Now to Buffalo.  Like Ottawa, playoff missers, but to be fair, their roster isn’t as stacked as Ottawa.  Although I love Rick Jeanneret and their fans are friendly, there’s something always off about that city and their sports history.  Maybe its the dark crusty city, the HSBC crap plastered everywhere you go, or just annoying memories of Ed Kilgore who was the biggest news homer ever.

Also, what’s with their big interest in the Bills coming to Toronto for years?  Talk about ditching your own fans for some cross border money, but then again, the Bills and Sabres should be grateful theyve survived so long with Canadians from the GTA, Hamiltion or St. Catharines areas all hopping the border to spend money.  But I have to admit, $5 parking near the hockey arena is great.  Better than Ottawa’s $10 parking deathtrap which takes about 40 minutes or so to get out of.   Just a matter of time before the NFL comes to T.O.  Then it’s bye-bye Buffalo and buh-bye Argos.

How can I forget?  Add a fourth over-the-hill player…. Shawn Marion.  A $17 million dollar waste of space.  At least he’s not $21 million like O’Neal.  But the Raps lose the money back taking on a 10th man PG in Marcus Banks.  Jamario Moon was actually half decent.  He can be unorthodox.  He looks a odd sometimes making weird plays and flailing his arms, but the put up fine numbers for a guy making $700,000 playing 25 minutes a game.  The Raps give up a conditional first round draft, but get $3 million in return.

So what’s the final deal?  What’s really at stake here?  Himmmmm…. let’s see:

1.  Marion and O’Neal are a wash.  Both are 30.  Both are on the downhill of their careers.  Both are injury prone lately

2.  Banks and  Moon are a wash.  Both are about the same age (27-28).  Moon puts up better numbers, but Raps need a PG more than a forward

3.  Salaries changing hands are a wash.  Raps save money on Marion, but lose it back on Banks

4.  Even if you ignore expiring contracts; you, I and the players don’t know what they will sign for in coming year

At the end of the day, what exchanged hands?  The Raps give up a conditional first round draft for $3 million.  Good?  Bad?  Well, the typical avg player salary in the NBA is about $5.2 million.  Therefore, the Raps are getting enough money in return to pay for about half a player for a season.  Toronto gives up a first rounder (playoff conditional).  Considering a playoff team will get a draft pick middle of the pack or worse, it really depends whether you think $3 million is worth losing a mid/late first round pick.  But considering the Raps are not a top tier team, the draft pick would likely be closer to the middle.

What’s my take?  Considering the Raps are lousy lately at drafting anyway, good enough trade for me.

Take the fucking money.

Gary Coleman and Vince Coleman:   Black, 80s stars, constant run-ins with the law, crimes committed are laughably minor, ignorant towards their culture….. Gary married a red headed white girl and Vince was quoted saying about baseball great Jackie Robinson, “I don’t know nothing about no Jackie Robinson”

Larry Bird and Dirk Nowitzki:  White, excellent basketball players, the teams they played for wear green jerseys, both have similarly solid stats, tall forwards, good at scoring and playing defence, both players successful portray the white guy stereotype in basketball…… lanky, can’t jump, not too athletic, pathetic dunks, superb outside shooting and free thrower

Muhammad Ali and Michael J. Fox: Both changed their names.  Ali is Cassius Clay and Fox’s middle name is actually Andrew.  The J is made up.  Other common stuff include:  they are annoying, unfunny, way past their prime, Parkinson’s, and don’t have to think about shaking their own hand when shaking your hand

The Valentine’s Day Gangbang Award goes to this threesome:  Mario Lemieux, Michael Jordan and Brett Favre.  These guys are hall of famers, championship winners, but most importantly couldn’t stay fucking retired like they announced.  Three assholes, who made press conferences, made their teams go through dramatic roster changes, but kept coming back like that thick turd that won’t flush down the toilet.  And what happened to each of them?  Their final games were laughably bad and every smart sports fan and media guy was right….. you shoulda stayed retired, you greedy selfish prick!

More retiring, unretiring, retiring, unretiring dicks at CNN/SI

Damn.  Too bad I forgot about cock cancer Armstrong!  On a side note, cycling…. what a boring fucking sport!

His job is safe as long as the owner is happy with him.  Considering how poorly the Sens do every year, Murray must be giving such juicy BJs, that even a straight guy would concede satisfaction… and job security

And talk about lousy Senators.  I rarely take them in hockey pools, but what did I do this year?  Wasted my top draft pick on Heatley in one pool.  Drafted Spezza high in another….. and in a third pool, took Heatley again.  Morons.

On the plus side, new Sens jerseys!

TOO MANY FUCKING WHITE GUYS…..

….. or at least white-ish enough.  Some reason the Raps have gone on a binge signing every second rate European asshole over the past bunch of years.  Calderon, Bargnani, Kapono, Parker, Ukic, Voskuhl, Humphries.  That’s seven guys on their roster from ESPN’s listing of thirteen guys.  And don’t forget Garbajosa from a year or two ago.  Another shit player.

One thing about all these non-black players is that they are all similar….. similarly crap.  Soft players, who can all some reason shoot a decent long ball or free throw, but don’t play aggressive, rarely dunk, don’t want to grab rebounds and just don’t have that athletic ability - something that is needed to be successful in basketball in this day and age.  This isn’t the 1960s Celtics where fancy prancy white guys reigned supreme….. too bad that’s because they were practically the only players at the time hired by teams. The stereotype is so true.

Even the team is ashamed.  I tried looking for a 2008-2009 team photo, but you what?  Nada.  I could only find a 2007-2008 photo.   Good enough to get my point across.