Sports Rubbish

Fox Soccer welcomes you to Swansea… England? (Photo)

Jonathan Sacks — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 19:01:00 +0000

Manchester United are visiting Swansea City today, with the match being shown live on Fox Soccer.

Much of the pre-match talk was relating to Swansea being in Wales, but nobody mentioned this little geographical fact to whoever was in charge of the graphics. Or that person just refuses to recognize any level of Welsh sovereignty. ENNNGALAAND!

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Xfinity, NHL Network team up to bring back the Hartford Whalers (photo)

Jonathan Sacks — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 17:51:40 +0000

I was flipping through my Comcast Xfinity Guide Brought To You By TV Guide this morning when I noticed that the NHL Network was showing a game.

After highlighting the listing, this is what was showing:

Hartford vs. St. Louis?

Someone in the world of cable television decided to bring back the Hartford Whalers, if only for one day. With all of the NHL relocations and rumors of relocations, why the hell not?

The St. Louis Blues did win the game last night, probably because they were facing a team full of players from 1997.

Somewhere in Connecticut, a guy in a Whalers jersey shed a single tear. Nobody in Carolina noticed, since they’re all watching college football.

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Golfer hits hole-in-one, wins weight in the best ham on Earth (photo)

Jonathan Sacks — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 23:05:22 +0000

You should have assumed the photo was going to be of the ham, who wants to look at a golfer?

Scotland’s Elliot Saltman may have missed the cut at this weekend’s Madrid Masters, but his parting gift is so much more magnificent.

On Friday, Saltman hit a hole-in-one on the 204-yard third hole, earning himself his weight in ham. But not just any ham. Cured Spanish ham. Elliot Saltman is going home with 240 pounds of jamón ibérico, which is one of the most heavenly pork products on Earth.

“This is going to last me until next Christmas, never mind this one,” Saltman told Reuters. “I’ve been trying to lose some weight but I’m glad now I’ve not lost that much.”

I went to Spain in February, and I’ll tell you that jamón ibérico is truly one of the finest foods on the planet. Prosciutto is great, and bacon is bacon, but I would not only pick jamón ibérico first, I would pick it second and third as well.

And yes, I just wrote a long essay about various, glorious pig parts on Yom Kippur. You can guess how observant of a Jew I am.

Saltman brings home the bacon in Madrid [Reuters]

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Alleged new Miami Marlins logo looks rather suggestive (photo)

Jonathan Sacks — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 22:56:00 +0000

Does anyone else see a woman, spread-eagled, giving the finger?

That’s certainly one way to sell baseball in Miami.

Via The Score & The Big Lead

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Olympic gymnast Paul Hamm charged with drunkenly assaulting cab driver (video)

Jonathan Sacks — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 05:26:55 +0000

Remember Paul Hamm? That gymnast you were subjected to watching while you hoped NBC would show some other sport during the 2004 Olympics? Hamm is currently serving as a gymnastics coach at Ohio State, and he’s been charged with trying to start a new sport: Assaulting a taxi driver and refusing to pay for his ride.

According to Columbus police:

After an argument, Hamm damaged a window of the cab, punched and kicked [the driver].

The driver called police and when they arrived, police said they struggled to get Hamm under control.

In video released by police, Hamm is heard talking with a police officer.

“All the sudden looking at my wallet and I’m looking at a situation, I don’t have my ID,” Hamm said.

The officer then replied, “That’s cause I have it man. You gave it to me less than 5 minutes ago.”

When the officer asked Hamm how many drinks he had consumed, Hamm said he had “probably 8 drinks.”

During the arrest, an officer on the scene used his police radio to call for assistance. The officers tried to gain control of Hamm. Hamm is heard on the video saying, “You guys are so funny. You guys have no idea. I’m going to kill you guys.”

In a world where at least a couple of pro athletes are nabbed for drunk driving every week, it’s great that Hamm knew enough to call a cab. But if drunk celebrities are going to keep attacking Ohio’s transportation operators, eventually we’ll hear about a sloshed Betty White stabbing a blimp pilot.

Former Olympian, Current Ohio State Asst. Gymnastics Coach Arrested After Assault [10TV]

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Tennis player Bojana Jovanovski goes to wrong Carlsbad for tennis tournament

Jonathan Sacks — Thu, 04 Aug 2011 04:58:19 +0000

Quick quiz: What state is Carlsbad in?

Some of you who are familiar with Carlsbad Caverns might say “New Mexico”, while Lego aficionados might say “California”. The correct answer, of course is “all of the above”, which is a fact Serbian tennis player Bojana Jovanovski and her travel agent are now aware of.

Following a tennis tournament in Washington, DC, Jovanovski flew to Dallas, then to Albuquerque, then to Carlsbad. Carlsbad, New Mexico, which was a problem, since her next tournament was in Carlsbad, California.

It took a while for Jovanovski to realize her mistake upon arriving in New Mexico.

From the LA Times:

“One man asked me at the airport …’What are you doing here? Are you playing tennis?’ ” Jovanovski said. “I said, “Yeah, it’s a tennis tournament.’ And he said, ‘Here?’ ”

When Jovanovski had trouble locating her cab, she finally got confirmation that she was in the wrong state.

“I was waiting for 15 minutes and nobody comes,” she said. “And I call again, and they say they are at the airport and they are looking for you. I said I am the only person here, how can you not see me?

“At that moment, the girl asked me on the telephone, are you in Carlsbad in California or in New Mexico?”

Jovanovski eventually made it to the correct state, arriving just 30 minutes before her match. She somehow managed to take the first set against Roberta Vinci despite having slept in an airport the night before, with the match finishing 3-6, 6-4, 6-1.

She will have plenty of extra frequent flyer miles, which she can use to get to next year’s French Open in Paris, Texas.

Bojana Jovanovski has a bad travel day and opening match [LA Times]

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Samaki Walker gets pulled over, tries to eat weed

Jonathan Sacks — Sun, 31 Jul 2011 18:45:17 +0000

In case you were wondering what happened to Samaki Walker (you weren’t), the Arizona Department of Public Safety found him in Kingman, AZ.

The police pulled Walker over for a routine traffic stop on Thursday. Officials allege that as they approached the 2002 Mercedes-Benz, Walker tried to eat the stash of marijuana that he had with him. Or he could have just refused to allow the police to search his car. That would have also worked, provided he didn’t have an Easy Bake oven and brownie mix sitting on the passenger seat.

Walker was also charged with possession of steroids, which he claimed he uses because they are legal in Syria, where he plays professionally. Also apparently legal in Syria: the violent oppression of protesters, so Samaki might not want to use their laws as his legal defense.

Ex-NBA player arrested on drug charges in Arizona [Las Vegas Review-Journal]

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Canadian skier suffers road rash to his buttocks after getting dragged by party bus

Jonathan Sacks — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 04:44:37 +0000

Canadian Olympic skier and World Cup champion Manuel Osborne-Paradis is set to star in the sequel to Terrance and Phillip’s “Asses of Fire”, “Asses of Fire 2: Party Bus Boogaloo”, following a successful audition during the recent Calgary Stampede.

From the Vancouver Sun:

Osborne-Paradis, 27, is recovering in hospital from “severe road rash to his buttocks” after he climbed onboard a moving party bus along a major thoroughfare in Calgary, lost his balance and fell on the trailer hitch.

He was dragged about 80 metres before the bus stopped.

No part of that sounds pleasant. But hey, if you’re going to get dragged across the pavement for 80 yards on your ass, you might as well do it in a country that has universal health care.

To add insult to ass injury, Osborne-Paradis’ sponsors, including Harbour Air Seaplanes, are now reviewing their deals with the skier.

Rather than making a rash decision and dropping him, I would instead suggest that they make Manuel the centerpiece of a new campaign. “Bus travel has you worn down? Go by seaplane instead!”

B.C. airline to review sponsorship of local skier following Stampede antics [The Vancouver Sun]

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Bench-clearing brawl between the Spokane Indians and Vancouver Canadians (video)

Jonathan Sacks — Tue, 12 Jul 2011 03:57:19 +0000

There aren’t many details regarding today’s bench-clearing brawl between the Spokane Indians and Vancouver Canadians, but it looks like it was all kicked off by a scrappy young fellow with a Napoleon complex named Rougned Odor. Procter and Gamble, get on that.

There’s also a lot of yelling in the video, since this was clearly the most exciting to ever happen in Spokane on a Monday afternoon. Four players were ejected, including Odor.

Fun fact: While the Vancouver Canadians are logically a minor league affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays, the Spokane Indians are affiliated with the Texas Rangers and not the Cleveland Indians, like one might guess. Spokane’s racism is therefore completely independent.

Video: Spokane Indians vs Vancouver Canadians Brawl [Sox and Dawgs]
Raw video: Brawl at Spokane Indians’ game [KREM]

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Bull takes down streaker at Running of the Bulls (video)

Jonathan Sacks — Sun, 10 Jul 2011 23:59:33 +0000

There are plenty of normal activities that suddenly become a lot more dangerous when you do them naked, such as cooking, ironing, and carpentry.

But what happens when you combine an already-dangerous activity like running around with bulls with nudity? Well, just watch the genius above.

The best thing about streaking and getting taken down by a bull is that your ability to reproduce is lost so much more efficiently with no pesky clothing to get in the way.

WIN: Bull Crushes Streaker [The Score]

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