You know the time:  probably at least a few months in, more likely somewhere past the half-way point, where your previously optimistic attitude deserts you and you are just mad.  Mad that military, mad at your spouse, mad at the whole situation.  I think it is normal to have this as a stage.  I don't personally think it is normal to feel this way the whole time, and I'd be seriously looking for some counseling if I felt that way all the time.  (That just can't be healthy.)  Heck, I have been going to counseling since before mt husband left, as preventative medicine, and it seems to be working so far.

I'm not saying that you have to have an angry stage, and I've been curiously considering the other possible stages.  I bet between the SB readers we could teach a whole class on the stages of deployment.

So, what do you think?

Stella writes:

(Thanks to Post Tenebras Lux for the link.)

The National Guard Bureau has put the finishing touches on a new Joint Services Support (JSS) portal developed to help Guardsmen and their family members get information on an abundance of support programs.

The new portal, online now at JointServicesSupport.org , provides easy access to programs offered at the state and unit level, including the Yellow Ribbon Reintegration Program, Employer Support of the Guard and Reserve (ESGR), National Guard Family Program, Psychological Health Program, Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Program and Warrior Support Program.

The design and layout of the Web sites for these programs are now consistent in their look, navigation and link placements. The information on these Web sites is also specific to the 54 states and territories, and the state and program links are placed at the top of the main JSS portal page.

In cooperation with the states’ program managers, the one-stop Web site will be a gateway to continuously updated and relevant information, which Guardmembers and their families use in their daily lives, said officials.

“We have developed this portal to assist you, the service and family member, in getting information on a variety of programs that have been created especially for you,” said Army Maj. Gen. Lawrence Ross, director of Manpower and Personnel at the National Guard Bureau in a video posted on the Portal’s main Web page.

The following programs are located on the portal:

• Yellow Ribbon Program: Prepares National Guard and Reserve members and their families for deployments, sustains their families during deployments and reintegrates servicemembers with their families, communities and employers upon re-deployment or release from active duty

• Employer Support of the Guard and Reserve: Gains and maintains employer support for Guard and Reserve service by recognizing outstanding support, increasing awareness of the law and resolving conflicts through mediation

• Family Program: Establishes and facilitates ongoing communications, involvement, support and recognition between National Guard families and the National Guard

• Psychological Health Program: Advocates, promotes, and guides National Guard members and their families by supporting psychological fitness for operational readiness

• Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Program: Serves as the National Guard Bureau single point of responsibility for sexual assault prevention and response policy and oversight

• Warrior Support Program: Provides a transition assistance advisor in each state and territory to help Guardmembers and their families with accessing Veterans Affairs benefits and filing claims, TRICARE, state benefits, and access to community resources

Ross said they are “committed to giving full support to the National Guard’s servicemembers and families,” and he encouraged them to visit the portal on a regular basis.

“I believe this portal is a positive step in that direction,” he said.

Anyone clicking on the portal’s predecessor, “Guardfamily.org,” will be rerouted to the new site.

In addition to their online capabilities, Ross said they have also developed mobile and phone-based system technologies that will allow Guardsmen or family members to receive important information wherever they might be.

The state’s program managers have recommended the portal and filled it with information as well as managing and sharing resources through it.

“You can send somebody there, let’s say a wife facing a deployment. T, they go there and get a lot more information than they used to get,” said Stephanie Duell, a Family Programs assistant for the New York Division of Military and Naval Affairs outside Albany.

She said she uses the portal to support the state’s Army Guard families. “I think it’s a good tool,” Duell said, but added that users will “get out of the new portal what they put into it.”

“If you go to the portal and login for New York, you will be able to find your unit in the menus,” she said. “You can go in, and you can register as the spouse, brother, member of [a specific company].

“That allows us to go up and see who has joined, it allows the Guard Bureau to go up and see who is most active,” she said. “It’s really is a good thing … there’s message boards up there … I’m a fan.”

For the Yellow Ribbon Reintegration Program, the portal allows states to share their information on Yellow Ribbon events, so Guardmembers, spouses and other family members can view events at many locations.

“If you click up there, you can see all we have going on,” said Andrew Depalo, deputy director for Family Programs in New York. “This is bringing everybody together.”

I heard the breaking news yesterday while in my car running errands. We have a SpouseBUZZ author whose family is attached to Ft. Hood. I pulled over and texted airforcewife to please try to make contact with her. She texted back that the SpouseBUZZ gals (and Toad) were already on it. All within ten minutes of the initial report. Meanwhile, I was preparing a list in my head of who we knew at Ft. Hood and how to get in touch with them. 

I cut my errands short and returned home to a flurry of emails, phone calls and text messages. People were passing news along and checking in to let everyone know their status. My last phone call of the evening came at 10:00. From a civilian who just wanted to be sure we were okay, the people we knew were okay and to extend her condolences to the entire Army family. 

What was happening at my home was being repeated at countless military homes worldwide. We needed to know that the people we personally know were safe, all the while worrying about the families we've never met who were less fortunate because, like my friend said, they're our family, too. 

My heart breaks for all of the victims of the Ft. Hood shootings, but I know that our Army family has its strong arms wrapped tightly around them. I love having a huge family. Sometimes we squabble. Sometimes we have spats. We may not want to be BFF, but when we need each other. Really, really need each other, we have a massive Army to lean on. As bad as things may get, I'll always find a measure of comfort in that knowledge. 

We held our first SpouseBUZZ LIVE at Ft. Hood, and we have lots of friends stationed there. Way too early to know for sure what has happened and what is going on right now, but one thing we do know -  this is a tragic day for all military families.

Our thoughts and prayers are with our brothers and sisters at Ft. Hood. 

Update: The Killeen Daily Herald's Twitter feed is here. They have reporters on post.

Last week I started something new:  boxing. 

It seems to make sense - with Air Force Guy gone I've got a lot of rage I need to let out.  Frustrations, both daily, and... well, you know.  Married People six thousand miles apart for a long time frustrations.  Hitting things sounded like a perfect outlet.  I could hit things AND I could get a workout?  Yay me! 

Almost as soon as I signed up and handed over the check for the gym I started getting scared.

It's one thing to be the toughest thing in a class of women doing aerobics with a few "kickboxing" moves thrown in for good measure.  It's quite another to start an actual boxing class routine!  I was certainly not going to head into one of those classes with no preparation.

Luckily the first person I talked to at the gym - LA Boxing in the DC Metro area - told me that there would be a coupon for vastly discounted personal training included with a new membership.  And luckily for me the person I talked to was also female and understood why I was nervous.

This is the person I talked to, Jennifer:

I don't look like Jennifer.  I would like to look like Jennifer.  Jennifer is a boxer as well as a personal trainer.  She has a website, and this is what Jennifer looks like when she is fighting:

If you are not scared by Jennifer, you have something missing in your head.  She's tiny, and I think she might be made entirely of tightly coiled determination.  She's also very no-nonsense.  This was very helpful to me, since after signing up for class my first inclination was to flake out.  That looks HARD!  And an hour?  I don't want to work out for an hour!  I hate working out!  I'm short on time! 

I personally think that it is a great cosmic injustice that just signing up for or reading about fitness doesn't help us get fit. 

I also don't think that Jennifer was up for any of my excuses.  I said I'd be there for a personal training session, and I was there.  Even though when I made the appointment she told me, "Don't worry.  I'll work you hard."

That sounded like a threat.  At that point I was seriously wondering what I had gotten myself into.  Why on earth did this ever sound like a good idea to me?  I spent the entire walk to LA Boxing arguing in my head.

I don't need to stick around, I could run away.  Run away to Mexico - no one would ever find me!  I wouldn't have to go to boxing!  No one would know who I was!  Forget this fitness thing!  Being fit is highly overrated!  They have clothes to cover that! 

This was the my first experience with personal training, and right off the bat I have to say that I'm in love.  I'm not looking forward to the end of my coupon!  Personal training is like combining the spa and working out.  Jennifer wrapped my hands for me (I have pink wraps - they didn't have purple) and even opened the water bottles for me!  I was completely spoiled. 

We started out learning the basic boxing punches.  This was done facing a mirror, which meant I had to get over yet another phobia of mine.  I'm working out because I don't like looking at myself in the mirror.  I certainly don't like looking at myself doing something completely new and looking as graceful as a bear on a bicycle.  I think I've already established, though, that you don't tell Jennifer no.  When she told me to face the mirror, I faced the mirror. 

I'm going to state right off the bat that boxing is not as easy as it looks.  You need to deliver punches correctly, with the right form (or, theoretically, someone would knock your block off), you need to keep your feet where they're supposed to be, you need to remember where your non-punching hand is, and you have to aim at what you want to hit.  You're also moving around constantly.  It's a lot to think about at once, and it's frustrating when you start off and have a hard time getting the rhythm.  And forget how cool Rocky looked dancing around - I looked more like an rhinoceros trying to dance the cha cha than the effortless dance of Apollo Creed.

We soon moved from shadow boxing to working with target mitts.  Target mitts are these padded gloves (they look like flat catcher's mitts) that the trainer wears and the person being trained hits. 

That felt good.  They make a very satisfying SMACK sound when you hit them.  And I hit them a lot.  Well, I hit them a lot for me.  I'm pretty sure that I came off as completely wimpy and weak compared to the workouts Jennifer herself usually does.  Jennifer called out punch combinations for me to to do and I attempted to carry them out.  It was not always successful, but I found out that I like to use uppercuts! 

By this time I was exhausted and our hour wasn't even half over.  I was ready to drop when Jennifer called out "Left/Right for 50!" (my terminology may be completely wrong - I have very hazy memories of the second half).  When Jennifer started counting each set of punches rather than each punch, I wanted to run out the door and be done with it.  That's not fifty!  That's 100!  Bait and switch!  BAIT AND SWITCH!!! 

But I finished.  In fact, I finished TWO sets of fifty!  Separated by a break, but still. 

I'll be seeing Jennifer again next week.  I'm actually looking forward to it.

Something else I noticed while Jennifer was working with me - the actual make up of the class going on at the same time.  I had been worried that I was coming into a place where everyone was hard core, everyone knew what they were doing, and everyone would be irritated at being held up by the chubby new girl who has to pretend to jump rope because her hands are too busy holding her chest in place while jumping up and down to manage the jump rope as well (I'm still waiting on the invention of a sports bra that actually keeps things where they're supposed to be).  Nothing could have been further from the truth.

There were several guys there who obviously knew what they were doing.  There was also a guy there who was in great physical shape, but was having a hard time getting the rhythm of the punches.  There was also a woman larger than I am, women older than I, skinny women who were still trying to figure out how to punch the bag, and even an older tween.  Everyone was still learning, people were working at their best pace rather than a pro-pace, and the person teaching the class was giving personal attention to everyone at various times.

What a relief! 

And did I mention that we get to hit things?  

We'll see if boxing is really a good match for my personality, or how much I learn.  But at this beginning honeymoon phase I think it's going pretty well.  I have my first group class today, in fact.  I'll let you know how it goes.

And for those of you in the DC Metro area - several of the LA Boxing locations offer military discounts - and spouses are welcome to use that discount as well.  They even offer classes for children (my son is taking a class three times a week and he thinks it is the best thing ever.  He's also exhausted at the end of it, which I think is the best thing ever)!   You can even take a free introductory class to see if boxing might be something that would work for you. 

Sound off - SpouseBUZZ!  Have any of you tried boxing?  Do you want to?  How did it go for you?

I think the last you heard from me, I was living in a state of perpetually broken down appliances.  That pressure has seemed to let up a little for now. (knocking on wood)

I also am working again, which was HUGE.  Finding an employer, that will work with a military family schedule is HUGE.  It seems to help that the gentleman I am working for was former military. 

Both of my children are also attending school now. 

It is a complete new life for our entire family.  This year felt like a huge jump for us. 
There are extra activities like Boy scouts, swimming classes, gymnastics, church CREW for the children.  I mentioned earlier that I would need a system to organize myself, a HUGE magnetic calendar is on my refrigerator, along with a pocketed file for everything.  It has helped immensely.  I can be scattered. 

With all of these additional activities there seems to be an influx of emails and notes, in which the school, church, or any number of people need assistance in some way.  For the first time,  I find myself capable of helping.  When I had smaller children, it was almost impossible.  In fact many of you with small children are nodding your heads.  You want to help, but with small children and the childcare situation can be a puzzling one. 

Instead of feeling guilt about not helping, I think it is imperative to note, that if you are caring for yourself, and children and doing the best you can in those arenas you are doing your JOB, ESPECIALLY if your spouse is deployed.   Most Mothers have been there and done that, even without deployments, and understand.  I will say I understand your feelings, and the guilt associated with not being in a position to help. 

This year, since my DH is not deployed, my children are older, and I am not dead tired at the end of the day, I decided to become more involved.  My Husband has been helping  too.  I seem to be able to gage my abilities and energies much better now with 5-7 hours sleep in my belt.  I promise, it will happen.  

I also think it is important to remember to enjoy what you are contributing, so it does not feel like a chore or obligation.  Take your talents and take them into consideration.  I for one, do not do well around LARGE groups of Kindergarten children for too long.  Something about the noise, and motions, and the buzz they carry with them.  It does me in, makes me edgy and a little overwhelmed.  So instead of long days of volunteering, I tried my hand at hosting the fall party.  (45 minutes felt like 10)  I have also become the "treat bringer".  The church needs snacks, easy enough.  The classroom needs books.  I can bake, and purchase a couple of books.  

The purpose of helping others, is to do what you can when you can.  You would be surprised at all of the things people can use help with.  Many of those things may seem small, but they are not. 

And with this, I am off to slumber.  Something I recall not getting much of when I had children under 3.  So to the Moms that feel bad for not being able to help because they are stretched thin...it is ok.   We know you will when you can.  We understand.  It is OK to say no.  You have one of the most important jobs on Earth. 

It is even more exciting to me when I get to be a part of it, and Air Force Family (mine, that is, not the generic.  Although I'm sure we're not the only ones.) is happy to get involved.

One thing I can tell you right off the bat is that when Air Force Guy left the Army to join the Air Force long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, I thought I was headed for an era of peaches and cream and mint juleps on a sun shaded porch.  No more long duties!  No more field exercises that seem to get extended every single time! 

In our case, that's not exactly what happened.

Even prior to 9/11 AFG's chosen career field had him gone for at least 6 months out of most years.  Not everyone is familiar with those parts of the Air Force that don't fly planes, but there are quite a few out there!  Between TDY's, deployments, and the sudden appearance of duties that were somehow never mentioned in time for me to actually plan my way around them - life in the Air Force ended up being a lot more hectic than I ever thought it would be.

On the other hand, even though it was certainly not my first experience with the military - life in the Air Force introduced me to some of the best people I have ever met.  People, both active duty and civilian, who have gone above and beyond to welcome our family, support our family, and be a family to us.  It's allowed us the chance to serve with members of all the services and have the most fun playing duty station trivia.  We've learned an entirely new language, and now even my six year old speaks it fluently.  We have horrible lows, things that you can't even describe to someone without the experience.  But since we have our Air Force and military family, we don't have to describe it.  They just know. 

And we've had the best of times as well - if you don't mind my stealing from Charles Dickens.  Spur of the moment barbecues and parties to help bring down the adrenaline after something critical, sessions where everyone gets together and nitpicks all the things wrong in a military themed movie (one of my favorite group activities, especially if there are chips and salsa involved), and potluck parties where all the families bring their specialty foods. 

Those pot-lucks usually run the gamut from bruschetta and brownies to fresh tortillas, mouth-watering pico de gallo, and at one duty station the best chicken tikka masala you could dream of.  That spouse was one of my favorites.  Chicken Tikka Masala has become a life-long obsession with me, now.

I'm not going to lie and say that everything about being an Air Force Family has been peachy-keen and apple pie wonderful.  I miss my husband when he's gone, and sometimes it seems like he's ALWAYS gone.  Many holidays have gone by with a sense of sadness underneath the celebration because he's not here.  I've learned things I never wanted to learn, like how to replace a toilet, what a  dying transmission feels like,  and how to lay laminate flooring, because AFG wasn't home to do them for me and there was no choice but to get them done.  Sometimes it feels like I'm raising my children by myself.  And can I just add here that I'm really tired of being the only one that picks up the dog poop in the yard?

I've also gained some things that are not generally available to people who don't live this life.  I've gained amazing friends that know what I'm going through without me having to say and who have the background to know when they can ask certain questions and when things are going to have to stay in the "hint" category. I've learned how to find the ridiculous and laugh in life, even when everything seems to be conspiring against me, because by choosing to laugh I win.  I've seen things I never imagined existed when I was growing up, and things I never thought would be a part of my life.  I've lived places, both great and - well, not so great, that other people only read about in books or see on TV.   I have a greater appreciation for what it is to be married - because I spend an awful lot of my time without my husband.  Entire TV series are based on aspects of marriage that confuse the heck out of me - because they really don't seem that important in the grand scheme of things.

I have a totally different perspective than I did when I first started this journey.  And it's a journey I'm glad we made the choice to take.  When I look back on my life, I know I will be able to do so with pride.  I have been a part of something bigger than me, something important. 

And it is very special.

More links on The Year of the Air Force Family can be found here:

Air Force Live Kick-off Blog

Air Force Live

Air Force Family of the Year

The First Lady Speaks About Military Families

US Air Force Website

More Updates 

Suzie, we'll call her, recalled how nervous and uptight she was in 2003. Communication was extremely limited and, if you'll recall, we were all holding our breaths wondering if chemical or biological weapons would be unleashed on our troops. We talked about living in a perpetual state of anxiety. Suzie said that was an apt description of the first two deployments. Life went on, but the tightening in her gut never relaxed until her husband was home. 

I pointed out that she mentioned the first two deployments. "What about this one?" I asked.

This time around, "I'm in a manageable state of anxiety." 

Yes, there's always a fear of the worst happening, no matter where our loved ones are, Suzie noted. But, at least for Suzie, there is a sense that the worst is behind them and that a deployment to Iraq is fairly predictable. I think she meant predictable in military terms, which is indeed a strange animal....  

Interesting conversation. I'm curious, for those of you who have experienced multiple deployments to the same location, has the way you approached and dealt with these deployments changed with each one? I realize that deployments are like snowflakes, no two are alike, but I do find from regularly talking with milspouses that there are a variety of factors we weigh when deciding how to "deal." For Suzie, it seemed to be mostly about measuring how dangerous and unpredictable things on the ground are. For some of us, we weigh the actual separation, and all that goes with it, more heavily. Each of us are unique and evaluate different criteria, or rank criteria differently, so there's no universal or right answer. What do you weigh, and in what order?

I don't mail my husband care packages while he's deployed.  I don't think postage is a good use of our family's money.

My husband has never complained and always says that he can get anything he needs downrange, and if he can't get it there, he doesn't need it.  But still, when I hear other military spouses talking about sending care packages, I do sometimes feel guilty.

Still, not guilty enough to spend money to mail him snacks and movies.  He gets plenty of both.

I send letters.  Postage for one package is the cost of sending him at least 20 letters.  I'd rather invest in loving words...

Am I the only one who doesn't send care packages?  (Probably.)

I think the biggest thing that military spouses need is support.  True support, not just something said in passing.  Let's face it, it is nearly impossible to do this alone, and yet that is what so many of us find ourselves trying to do. 

Get the kids to school (or teach them yourself at home), find time to work out, get various children to various activities which are often scheduled at the same time and across town from each other, keep your spouse's morale up, send CARE packages, don't fall apart in front of your children, and make sure that there are clean clothes available to wear, even if they don't match.

Also, it's usually a pretty good idea to get your kids fed, too.  Just in case someone asks.  And what usually happens is that nowhere in the equation is there time to take care of yourself.  We'll do that when our spouse gets home, right?  No time at the moment.

When you factor in being thousands of miles away from family, your options on help truly narrow.  And when you don't live in a military community, you might find things get very surreal.  To say the least.

At this point we are not living in a military community.  Air Force Guy is deployed (again) and my kids are just far enough apart in age to all be doing activities on different levels and at different times.  Even with each kid cut down to one sport, Scouting, and CCD that means that we're running every night Monday through Friday with multiple appointments each day and with swim meets on weekends.  Plus the home-schooling in the morning.  Schedules must be kept with machine precision for all this to work, and I'm sure every military spouse can relate.

Last week, the religious education director at our (civilian) church called me and let me know that the teacher for my son's class (First Communion preparation) had given notice and they needed someone to take over.  This was all phrased in such a way that I truly felt unable to say no, even though I really couldn't figure out how this was going to set into my schedule.  That's the problem when you ask someone who is used to volunteering to volunteer for something - there's that sense of duty and the knowledge that someone has to do it, and "someone" generally means "you."

It was during the training meeting that I was most profoundly shocked when I was told that my son would not be able to make First Communion this year because our schedule does not allow me to make the mandatory evening meetings for parents - which are held with a no children allowed rule. 

"People need to sacrifice for their children's religious education," I was told.

I have to admit that I was speechless.  I realize that a person can always do more,  but I do volunteer a lot in quite a few different organizations - and I'm going to go ahead and say that I probably understand the concept of sacrifice.  At least a little bit. 

And then there was the fact that this speech was given to me on Monday.  Monday - when death led the news cycle for just a bit in the very place my husband is taking a year long vacation.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I know I don't feel good.

I think what bothers me most is that I feel for military families collectively that in primarily civilian communities we're rather forgotten in the day to day scheme of things.  The deaths on Monday weren't exactly a secret - and it was probably not the best backdrop to lecture someone with a deployed husband about the necessity of making a bigger sacrifice and the implication of not knowing what sacrifice is.  I certainly don't think that statement was made with any malice - just for some reason the person didn't think.  It isn't a part of their everyday world like it is for me and for other military spouses - we see the faces of those we know, others just hear numbers.  Most people don't spend every day half planning and expecting to get a knock at the door from Uniforms.  It just doesn't hit their radar screen.

So there are civilians.  And then there are civilians...

Were it not for the two leaders of my evil blond daughter's Girl Scout troop (and two other extremely active Mom volunteers), there would be no Girl Scouts in my family.  These two women work their hearts out with a gaggle of giggling fourth and fifth graders - and the times they've picked my daughter up, dropped her off, or asked if I needed help getting her to an event are countless.  They've never ever held the fact that I'm unable to physically help out at meetings (because I'm usually driving another kid to swim team practice and picking a kid up from CCD) against me, never held it against my daughter, and how they keep from getting burned out when they give so much is utterly beyond my comprehension.

At the end of last year, when AFG was home from a 6 month TDY and two months before he left for deployment one of the leaders noticed he was with me as I picked up my daughter.

"Your husband's home!" she said to me.

"Yeah, but not for long.  He's leaving again in a couple of months," I said.

"Yes," she said, and then emphasized the next phrase very clearly.  "But he's home now."

And she was right - he was home right then, and thinking about the fact he was getting ready to ride off into the sunset again in a few short months was only shadowing the time we had left to spend together.

Such a little thing, and yet it meant so much.  It was true I needed to think about the situation differently, but the pointer wasn't issued rudely, snidely, nor from a lofty position of superiority.  It was not delivered by someone who had never done anything to help my family when we were floundering.   It was delivered by someone who had made it a rule to help in the way she could most, from the position she was most able to make a difference.   "You just don't understand!" would have been an inappropriate response from me.  That statement was something she did understand, even if she wasn't another military spouse.  She had been supportive enough during our time here that she had earned the right to be frank with me.

It was 180 degrees from the experience I had at church.

Neither of these leaders, nor the active moms who sacrifice so much of their time to the Girl Scout Troop, have ever treated me any differently from the other civilian parents in the group.  There is none of the kid glove treatment that I sometimes get from people who don't know how to react when I explain why I can't do something or be somewhere.  No one ever tells me, "I'm so sorry," when I explain that my husband is deployed and so I might not be as available as I should be to hold up my end of the Girl Scout volunteer hours because I'm stretched too thin.  I'm always greeted with a smile, and when things that I *can* do come up, I'm never made to feel that my help is mandatory, just that it would be great if I could spare the time. 

I'm just a normal Mom, with a bit of a different situation that requires some creative thinking.  And I'm eternally blessed they are willing to put out that extra effort to think creatively.

Being military in a civilian world has never been easy - there is such a gulf there, and too many people see it as too wide to bother to cross.  And let's face it - as military family members we often vacillate between reaching out and pulling back abruptly when no one grabs the hand we've extended.  This is our normal, so verbal recognition feels contrived.  We all know someone struggling through more than we do on a daily basis.  I truly feel sympathy for those civilians who want to help, but don't know how and feel like everything they try is wrong somehow.  

It's not an easy road to navigate - for anyone.  Like many other military spouses, I have tried to turn some of those hurtful civilian situations into a joke, something funny out of something that can be truly painful or leave you feeling isolated and cast aside after the ceremonies of Veteran's Day.  My jokes, in turn, have at times legitimately hurt the feelings of those civilians who truly try to help.  It's a vicious circle.  

How do we change this?  This is a long war, and it's not close to over.  We'll be doing this for a long time, and as self sufficient as military families are, we can't do it alone.  We need real support - help at home, and the understanding that emotionally we are in a very different place than many Americans.  We don't want kid gloves, we want to be as normal as we can be - with the understanding that our normal is not normal.

But it's how to get to that point where I get lost.

One thing lacking at The Paycheck Chronicles:  smart and useful comments like we have here at SpouseBUZZ.  The conversations that occur in the comments here are the best part about SpouseBUZZ (in my humble opinion.)  I've been hoping to build that sort of community at The Paycheck Chronicles but it hasn't happened yet.

Anyway, if you are interested in stretching your paycheck a little further, or learning more about financial issues, or just hearing other thoughts, check it out.  And if you would like to contribute to the learning, that would be great!  I will look forward to seeing my SpouseBUZZ friends at my other home.

With everything that's been going on lately, I had not even uttered Murphy's name lately.  When I do, it is in the vein of Seinfeld's uttering Newman's name.

Yeah, like that.

On Friday night, I decided that because M2 has a soccer game at 9 a.m. Saturday and a possible game at 2 should they win at 9, I would drive the truck to the field so she could rest in the long bench seat.  That meant I'd need to gas up the truck.  We wanted to go to dinner so I thought we'd just take the truck and go.

We went to Sam's Club to fill the truck.  I put over $50 worth of gas in the darn thing.  I climbed back in the cab to leave and nothing.

No starting.

Clickity, clickity.  Buzz.

Perhaps I should not have allowed Miley Cyrus' Party in The USA to continue playing while I filled the tank?  At any rate, it was DEAD.

I called AAA.  They called a wrecker so I could get a jump.  Flat bed truck showed up, but the jump thing was drained by my truck each time he tried to use it.  He towed the truck to our mechanic's.  Our mechanic is close to the house of our only local relatives.  I called to see if they were home and could possibly give us a ride to our house to save the poor driver such a long trip.  The cousins were meeting to eat at a restaurant near my mechanic's so the driver dumped us out front of the restaurant.  He was a very nice guy, as tow drivers usually are it seems.

We ate dinner, chatted it up and then came home.  I thought for a split second that the garage door opener that I'd had the smarts to grab was not going to work.  It did.  Thank God because the neighbor with the key to our house is on vacation and my husband's keys are in the mechanic's drop box. 

Gotta love Old Murph.  He sure did know how to liven up a Friday night.

Better remember to clean up the dog doo-doo in the backyard this weekend.  Shhh!  It's a surprise--don't want Murphy to know what he's getting for Christmas.

Luckily, the mechanic found only a dead cell in the battery to have caused the issue and the truck has been repaired with an oil change to boot.  Yea for the Home Team!

I'm interested in knowing where Murphy has been hiding out lately.  Post your Murphy sightings in comments!

More Updates

I'm finding this very discouraging.  I'm not really accustomed to a lot of challenges that I can't overcome pretty easily.  An from a purely time-management standpoint, I've got it easy...all the kids are in school for a full day and I work from home.  So what's the problem?  It seems to be my body.  It just doesn't want to run for more than about a minute and a half.

I'm going to stick with it, for I'm sure that I can do this eventually.  I'd love to hear how y'all are doing, if you  are making any progress, and how you deal with frustration.

On the other side, my dear husband was recently home on R&R.  I only gained a few pounds despite a steady diet of hearty home-cooked meals and even heartier restaurant fare.  Now that he's gone again, it is time to straighten that diet out and resume making sensible choices.  While I'm excited about the progress that I've made so far, I'm a little worried that I won't be able to sustain it when he comes home for good.  So, please, share your stories!

We love Nikki - anyone who can be so nice and upbeat and even help me with the search for the perfect SportsBra is truly special!  And it doesn't hurt that Nikki's Military Wife Workout really works and doesn't take all day. 

Well Nikki has a new article out on military.com and it's just for expectant moms!  Seeing as we have a few of those around, I thought I'd link to it for anyone interested.  The best thing about Nikki's workouts are that they work! 

And doesn't she look adorable? 

Mrs. C is a petite elegant woman with a wicked twinkle in her eye.  Mrs. C's husband was a career soldier who served in both Korea and Vietnam.  And yet, when she saw Stretch and I come into the church that Sunday morning, she came up to us and thanked us for our service.  Then she looked at me and told me how proud and in awe she was of us, today's military wives. 

I was staggered.  She went on to say that today's young women displayed such strength, enduring multiple deployments.  I tried to point out that her generation were our role models, that they'd had to face many more hardships than we do.  I said that at least we usually had good communication available to us.  Her response seemed to indicate that maybe that was a double-edged sword for us.  She pointed out that in her day, the war might be on the 6 o'clock news and that would be it.  They didn't have to make a conscious effort to avoid reminders. 

Recently, Sarah posted this and this about their current deployment.  It made me realize that Mrs. C had another point about communication.  It's great that we have so much available to us to stay in touch with our loved ones.  But it's not so great if we become chained to our computers or phones, afraid we might miss a communication, and not going on living our lives.  

Our first deployment was very old-school.  We had snail mail that took a month or more to arrive.  Stretch managed to phone home once before the invasion began.  Our last deployment couldn't have been more different.  He had access to email, was able to phone home once a week or so, and we were even able to schedule video teleconferences through Freedom Calls.  

Was that last deployment better or easier than the first?  No, not really.  I wasn't as scared I might lose my husband but I also never left the house without forwarding our land line to my cell phone.  And I never left the house without my cell phone, even if it was just to walk out into my front yard to watch the kids playing.  I'm pretty sure the phones even went into the bathroom with me.  They might as well have been surgically attached to me.  Looking back, I'm not so sure that was particularly healthy.  Perhaps I would have done better to just continue living my life.

My husband's first deployment, quite a few years ago, we didn't have any children and so I worked.  A lot.  I had a full time job in the evenings and then I substituted nearly every single day.  And it was successful - there were some long days in there, but the 6 months went by FAST.  (Yeah, we're Navy, we consider 6 months a deployment.)

Last time he deployed, a few years ago, we had four little kids.  Enough said.

This time, everyone is in school, so I've really had to get creative to fill the time.  I'm trying to run, and generally exercise more, I'm taking a couple of classes at the community college.  I'm volunteering with the PTO, and (not) writing here, and writing The Paycheck Chronicles.  I'm pretty effectively filling every spare minute of my day.  And if I weren't, there's always Facebook.

I explain my life as one of these Fifteen Puzzles that you may have played when you were a kid - I'm forever trying to move all the little blocks around to get everything in order.  I was explaining that to my favorite mental health professional recently, and she said something that has really stuck with me.  She suggested that I needed to make sure that I kept a block open for my husband.  And that it probably wasn't going to be very helpful if he came home and all the blocks were taken.

Hmmmm.  That's an interesting concept.  But how will I get through it with empty blocks?  This is a dilemma for me.  So I'm curious - how do you keep yourself busy while your spouse is gone, without filling your schedule so much that there isn't room for your spouse when they return?

As the First Lady of California, I have had remarkable opportunities to meet with military families across the state.  From Travis Air Force Base to Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar, I have been amazed by the strength and spirit of military families.  I believe that military families serve, too, and your sacrifice and service is truly deserving of our respect and admiration. 

Through my experience speaking with military families and learning about their inspirational stories I realized that they had more to teach me than I could share with them.  So I invite you to join me in a special project, 10 Tips for Military Families by Military Families, and share your advice as a military spouse, parent and family member.  What is one piece of advice you would like to share with other military families?  Your thoughts will go a long way to help military families who can benefit from your experiences.  My goal is to share these tips with military families through my website and other opportunities that may arise.

Please, email and share your advice by October 30th.  You are welcome to leave your comments and remain anonymous.  

Thank you, Maria Shriver, California’s First Lady

Maria will be posting these tips on her website soon. Email your advice to Maria by clicking here, but also feel free to leave your tips here in the comment section. 

If you were asked to offer one piece of advice to a new military spouse (or family), what would it be? Mine is: Keep a healthy sense of humor, even when things look bleak. Laughter will take you a long way, especially when it comes to military life.... Right, airforcewife?

And I'm filing this post under "Day in the Life of a Milspouse" because, sadly, thinking they might be dead is just a normal part of our day sometimes...

But I digress.

Anyway, who knew that merely going through the grocery check out line could cause an existential crisis?

I like to use those re-usable shopping bag.  Yes, the environmental aspect is nice and all, but really they're much stronger than plastic bags, more comfortable to carry, and they have lots of uses.  If I'm just traveling overnight, I often use them to pack my toiletries.  When I empty the bags, I stuff them all in one bag and hang them on my front door so that I can take them out and they're always waiting for me in the car if I need them. 

I can guarantee you that I will NEVER for the rest of my life EVER use another re-usable bag without checking and rechecking it with the thoroughness that only someone with a tendency towards obsessive-compulsive disorder can muster.

Because we have so many activities and only one driver (The wheels on my minivan go round and round...) I try to cram as many errands into our trips to and from sports/CCD/Scouting as possible.  Today it was grocery shopping during Daughter #2's CCD.  I grabbed my bags, the two youngest kids, and headed into the store. 

There were deals EVERYWHERE!  It was wonderful!  Hot chocolate was half off, they had just gotten in fresh spinach, and they had non-bruised apples that were just lovely.  My cart was entirely full when I got in the checkout line.  I handed the elderly checker (who was named Rajit, if I remember correctly) my bags from home and waited. 

Rajit was the single slowest checker I've ever experienced.  Three bags and several minutes into my check out he had finally finished the frozen food and opened bag number four to start scanning my produce.  To my horror, the bag was not empty. 

The bag was REALLY  not empty, because Rajit pulled out a pair of lacy blue underwear I had evidently put in the bag at some overnight point or another in the recent past (and I had been wondering where those underwear had gone to.  Now I knew.  I rather wish I had kept wondering).

Rajit, who must have been in at least his seventies, held up the underwear and said, "What is dis?" with a very thick accent.  He then tried to scan them.  Obviously they didn't scan, and as soon as my horrified paralysis wore off I reached over and tried to grab them.  Horrified comprehension dawned on Rajit's face and he placed the offending article delicately on the check writing shelf, where I snatched them immediately and hid them in my purse.

I tried to play the moment off by yelling at my Daughter #3.  "DAUGHTER!" I yell-whispered for the benefit of the people looking at me with all the fascination of a train wreck.  "You better not EVER use my shopping bags for your slumber parties ever again!"

Daughter #3 was not going to have it.  "Mom," she answered back in a normal tone of voice.  "Those are yours."

For the record - Daughter #3 is getting coal in her stocking this year. 

Did I mention that I still had half my groceries left on the checkout belt?  And that Rajit was the slowest checker on Earth? 

Right. 

I resisted every urge to bolt out the door (leaving all groceries, checked and unchecked, and the child who had dimed me out) and waited until everything was scanned, then paid and walked calmly out the door.  Thank Goodness nothing else happened in the interim, or I might have started bleeding from the eyes and ears as all the blood in my body congregated in my embarrassed tomato-red face. 

And for the record - I really do try to be a grown up.  But somehow I can't see Audrey Hepburn ever having a pair of panties magically appear in her shopping bag.

It's funny how grating it can be when people tell you how quickly they think your deployment has gone.  I always feel like saying, "Gee, I sure am glad it's flown by so fast for you!"

And I try very hard never to tell other military spouses that they're "almost there!" or how quickly time will fly.  I know how much it stinks to say that out loud, even though, truthfully, everyone else's deployment goes so much faster than my own.

Maybe Darla and I could trade deployments?  Hers seems to have gone fast for me, and I'm sure mine is going fast by her standards too.  If we could only figure out how to trade...

Disney World has been a really big deal on the airforcewife list of things to do. 

After waiting and planning and saving, we decided this year was the year to go.  Everything just fell into place, which is particularly helpful.  We expected a big expense, and as we started pricing things out on the Disney website, our expectations proved to be right on target. 

But then I had a chance encounter with another military spouse, and everything changed.

First off, I should emphasize that in many things I'm quite Type A.  With the exception of the time I traveled to SpouseBUZZ Live in Utah with Sarah and Sarah took care of all the travel arrangements and timing (she was the perfect cruise director for my son and myself) I check every option and plan everything down to maps.  I even make travel folders for each person on the trip.

But Disney World was proving to be my undoing.  The options, the excitement, the hotels... Trying to figure out where to eat, whether I needed reservations, which characters would be where - it all had me nearly in tears, even after I read The Unofficial Guide to Disney World twice.

So, on the advice of a website I found through the guidebook, I contacted Small World Travel.  In the contact form I stated that we were a military family and we would be attending Disney while on an R & R. 

I'm sure you can imagine the hyperventilating that went on when Caylie from Small World returned my email with a quote - the hotel we wanted, the days we wanted, AND A SAVINGS  THAT HAD THREE ZEROES AT THE END. 

Incredible.  Not only do I get my dream vacation, but I got it at half the price I was expecting. 

It turns out that Caylie, our assigned travel agent, is also a military spouse!  So when I mentioned the R & R she got right on it and booked us under a special promotion that Disney is offering for military families.  She answered all my questions, spoke my language and understood why I was asking things that might sound weird to people in different situations (like:  if my husband has some weird thing come up and doesn't get home when he's supposed to, can someone else use his ticket or can we reschedule?). 

Military spouses - we're everywhere, aren't we? 

In case anyone is interested - Caylie works for Small World Vacations, and the Disney special for the military can be found here.  

No matter your service affiliation or duty status, the below will hit home (and hopefully be of help) for many.

Video targets Marine reservists who often feel out of place back home

In an unusually direct way, the Marine Corps is warning reservists and their families about the alienation and psychological pain that Marines can feel when returning to civilian life after duty in a war zone.

A video titled "Worlds Apart" made by a San Diego production company warns that even well-meaning civilians cannot be expected to understand what it is like to serve in Iraq or Afghanistan.

The story has actors portraying a returning enlisted Marine named Jeff; his wife, Eileen; and their friends and family members. At first, Jeff's return is joyous, but he soon becomes sullen and angry and begins drinking heavily and withdrawing emotionally from Eileen and their young son. Their marriage deteriorates.

Something else to listen to/view is below.  

Learn more about Derek Sholl here and link to his MySpace page here.  

While I was in the depressingly long line at the post office, I noticed something that began to irk me to the core. 

Scores of people walk into a post office totally and utterly unprepared. That, I came to understand, is why the line was so long. There were people who were actually boxing items up at the counter, people who were sending certified mail yet didn't have their forms completed, people who didn't know what they should have done and needed to do in order to get mail from point A to point B and people standing in line for stamps when the stamp machine (which takes cash, debit and credit cards) was featured prominently inside the post office. One man, no joke, began to assemble a priority mail box in line, realized his stuff wouldn't fit and left the partially assembled box on the counter instead of returning it to its proper place. Now that's just laziness.

As I stood and watched what was nothing less than a circus, I realized that I had rarely seen these types of things occur at post offices on or near post. Yeah, I realize that there's a first for everything. First time you send certified mail. First time you send insured mail. There are times when you do need assistance. But there's no way that all those patrons were first-timers and even if they were, there's really no good excuse for bringing stuff in a target bag into a post office, popping in and out of line in search of an appropriate box and upon reaching the counter not having your item sealed and addressed. Here's a novel idea - step into the post office and off to the side, get your stuff packaged and addressed, then get in line. When my husband is deployed, I enter the post office with the box stuffed, sealed, addressed and proper customs paperwork filled out and ready to go, as do most military families I've seen. Click N' Ship is your best friend, folks....

Twenty of the twenty-five minutes I spent in line could have disappeared if people had walked in prepared to do business. Perhaps milspouses need to offer a course on post office etiquette. It would be an excellent public service. 

And to top off my little experience, my total when I finally reached the counter and checked out? 

$6.66. 

Yep, it was that kind of day.....

Ahhhhh -  felt good to get that little rant off my chest. 

Don't worry. I'll try to refrain from cranky postings for a while. 

Strapping the big girl panties back on right now. Oh my, they seem a little tighter than usual.....

Have you ever seen the Marine Corps Evening Dress uniforms? 

They look like this:

 
Field Grade Officers and Senior Non-Commissioned Officers wear these.  So who is wearing these again?  That's right.  Service-members who are getting older, whose metabolism may be slowing down a bit.  But these uniforms are designed so that any extra weight in the torso will make the uniform extremely unflattering.  I know because I've seen it.  Not often, it's true.  But believe me, a spare tire is only accentuated by the cut of these jackets.  So once a Marine has spent the large amount of money to buy these uniforms, he or she obviously will want to look good in it and will want to ensure that they don't ever need a different size.

Then for the spouses, there is the issue of the annual Marine Corps Birthday Ball.  We know it's coming every year.  And we want to look good for it.  Heck, it may be the only date night we get all year!  Certainly, it's a rare opportunity to get dressed up for some of us who spend our days in mommy gear.  Let me tell you, I never met so many women that were into fitness until I married into the Marine Corps.  I'm pretty sure the Birthday Ball has at least a little something to do with it.  I know that I feel a renewed sense of urgency to lose some weight, firm up those jiggly areas, and generally get into better shape every Fall -- usually when I find out when the Birthday Ball will be held.  So even though spouses aren't required to be fit, we're certainly encouraged to be. 

Even better, we're often given the tools to achieve these goals if we're on or near a base.  Gym facilities, often including various classes are available to us.  Free nutrition counseling is usually available at Military Treatment Facilities (aka the military hospitals).  And those are just some of the official programs.  Often, sports leagues and informal clubs (such as biking or running clubs) can be found for any fitness interest you might have.  In fact, one of the many things I miss about being near a base is the access to free fitness classes.  I tried Pilates for the first time at our last duty station and loved it (despite complaining my way through each class). 

I had a lot less guilt about being a couch potato before I married into the Corps.  Now, I've succumbed to the conspiracy and am actually trying to run for the first time in my life.  Why is this such a big deal?  Because my attitude used to be "why run unless someone is chasing you?" 

So, the conspiracy seems to have caught up with me.  And that's a good thing.   

So, and folks I'm telling you, this is as easy as it gets, we need to relish the calm before the storm. Between now and October 31, you are ordered to do something for yourself. Something that relaxes you, makes you feel pampered or something that's just plain fun. Go get a manicure, a pedicure, a massage. Take a heavenly bubble bath in the middle of the day. Splurge on a haircut and color if the budget allows. Whatever floats your boat, as long as it's a treat for you. Easy-Peasy.

Rules are here, but they don't necessarily apply to this challenge because we won't demand photos of you on the massage table or in the bathtub. You can send photos, but simply reporting what you did in the comment section will suffice. Like we said from the outset, we reserve the right to bend the rules....

The prize package will be a gift basket from Bath & Body works. While only a few candidates are in the running to win the total prize package, you should still participate. Who knows, we may have a few surprises in store at the end of the Challenge for runners-up or other participants. 

This year was a learning process, we'll do the 2010 challenge a bit differently, but thanks to all who have played along so far. November and December will feature mini-challenges.