My husband left for a nine month deployment right after we found out I was pregnant with our first child.  He will miss the entire pregnancy.  I can think of a million ways that it stinks that he's gone: no one to go with me to ultrasounds, no one to feel my belly when she kicks, no one to rub my feet or go downstairs to get me a glass of water.  No pampering at all.  That is lame.

But I have been trying to keep track of the good things about doing this alone.  I have come up with a couple.

1)  I don't have to cook for anyone else.
My husband left four days after morning sickness set in.  During those four days, I felt guilty that I wasn't making him his favorite foods or taking care of him before he left.  But as soon as he was gone, it was such a blessing.  If I only felt like eating grapes for dinner, there was no one else to worry about.  When the smell of food made me sick, I just didn't cook anything.  It was much easier than feeling bad that I wasn't making him dinner or having to sit by and gag while he made something for himself.

2)  This also applies to all other chores.
If I didn't feel like doing laundry, I let it sit.  If I didn't feel like vacuuming or dusting or making the bed, no one else was gonna see it anyway.

3)  I get the whole bed to myself.
I am not that comfortable in bed these days, and at least I have a queen-sized to myself.  I sleep plumb in the middle surrounded by pillows.  I get up five times a night to use the bathroom.  I don't bother anyone but myself.  And if my husband were here, he'd probably think it was weird if I made a huge pillow barricade in between us to prop up my back.

4)  I get gas.
I don't even think I need to explain that one.  There is no one to laugh at me if I just have to let it rip.

I am sure many of you have done all or part of the nine months pregnant without your husbands.  Any silver linings you came up with?

Reader M emails:

I was wondering if other wives have the same trouble - well meaning family members who find it necessary to send forwarding chain emails showing soldiers and their families - usually they are "prayer" type emails but always soldiers in various stages of war and/or leaving families with kids/wives crying, and/or families/soldiers grieving for each other etc.  I'm sure you've seen these.  My inbox has been filling up lately and I"m pretty sure that soon the Christmas soldier emails will start arriving. 

I'm wondering if anyone but me HATES these things??  For one, I hardly need to be reminded of the sacrifices our soldiers make - I live it every day with a husband going over seas soon for deployment #2 and with young children at home.  I don't need to see pictures of children holding a flag that presumably just came from their father's coffin.  I don't need to see soldiers kneeling next to the helmet of a dead comrade.   Plus - I can't help but think..these pictures are of someone's child/father/brother/son/husband.  They're not just any old photo. 

Does anyone have suggestions on how to tell your families how insensitive this practice really is????

I'm pretty sure M is not the only one who feels this way..... My advice would be to tell the family politely that you appreciate the sentiment, but you'd rather not see these types of images. We often run into situations where friends and family mean well but really have no idea what we may be experiencing and how words, photos, etc may affect us. 

What's your advice? 

Today, we can announce that we'll be in Las Vegas on May 1, 2010 for SpouseBUZZ LIVE Nellis Air Force Base. All military spouses are invited. We'll announce more events when dates and locations are locked in, so stay tuned. 

We'd like to thank the companies who make it possible for us to bring these events to military communities across the country. The companies below were Gold or Platinum sponsors for our 2009 tour, and we thank them for their unwavering support of military spouses. Without them, there would be no SpouseBUZZ LIVE.

Military.com

USAA

TRS Institute

Sears

Geico

Wells Fargo

Military Matters

Thanks for a great year!

Sending holiday gifts

Care packages are a welcome treat for deployed servicemembers, especially when they are away from home during the holidays.

Here are a few tips from the Department of Defense:

Citizens desiring to send care packages, cards and letters to deployed servicemembers are encouraged to identify troops through family and friends. Individuals may also partner with some of the America Supports You homefront groups listed at Our Military. They have direct contact with many of the servicemembers and units and can tell you about desired items and shipping frequency.

Safety and security reasons no longer allow packages to be addressed to “Any Soldier” or to an entire base in general.

The American Red Cross is sponsoring a national “Holiday Mail for Heroes” campaign to receive and distribute holiday cards to servicemembers, veterans and their families in the United States and abroad. The card campaign includes those working and receiving care at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. A special P.O. box address may be found at Red Cross Holiday Mail. Cards must be postmarked no later than Dec. 7.

When thinking of support for our servicemembers, do not forget their families or local veterans. You can show support by helping military families in your community and by remembering the hospitalized veterans in local Veterans Affairs medical centers.  Find a center near you.  

Notes of thanks may also be shared with the troops and posted here.

U.S. Postal Service holiday mailing guidelines.

Additional U.S. Postal Service guidelines.

Hooah! Postal service to speed up for Soldiers

Snail mail going to people deployed to Afghanistan could flow a little quicker starting next month.

The U.S. Army is spending $500,000 to launch HooahMail, a service starting Dec. 1 in which family and friends can send letters electronically to anyone serving in Afghanistan, Bill Hilsher, the Army’s postal program manager, said.

Participants can register immediately online to have some personal letters delivered in as little as 24 hours — a far cry from the roughly 14 days it now can take, Hilsher said. And it’s free.

Here’s how it works: Family and friends set up an account via HOOAH MAIL and enter the recipient’s information and downrange mailing address. With the push of the “send” button, encrypted letters are sent to the servers of designated machines in one of 10 locations in Afghanistan. At least once a day, Army postal clerks switch on the machines, which print, fold and seal the letters in addressed envelopes for delivery through the in-country military postal system.

“At no time while the postal soldier is downloading the message can the message be read,” ensuring privacy, Hilsher said. Writers can also send one photograph, which will be printed in black and white.

The machines, at 220-pounds, can be airdropped to any site. They will be placed at Bagram and Kandahar air fields, and the remote outposts of Forward Operating Bases Najil, Mace, Zio Haq, Carwile, Sweeney and Bushmaster. Two more will be placed at bases yet to be determined.

Apart from the main hubs of Bagram and Kandahar, Army officials selected the bases where troops were “having the most difficulty getting traditional mail, or FOBS that don’t have Internet cafes or only one or two Internet connections … used for missions only,” Hilsher said.

The system could reduce delivery time in some cases from two weeks to same- or next-day service, with an average of four days to all other locations in Afghanistan, said Lt. Col. Charles Moose, spokesman for U.S. Army Human Resources Command.

The Army’s HooahMail follows a similar program, called Moto Mail (short for Motivational Mail), which the U.S. Marine Corps started in 2004 for its servicemembers deployed to Iraq.

Hilsher couldn’t say why it’s taken the Army so long to follow suit, other than to say that the Army’s program has been in the planning stages for two years.

“The Army is much larger with a lot more troops,” Hilsher said. “We’re coming onboard with it now.”

There are no plans to introduce the service for Army troops in Iraq.

HooahMail is a one-way service from family and friends to soldiers, Moose said. Troops in Afghanistan won’t be able to use the system to send letters home.

Two of the other recipients of this note from my friend did a "reply all" and I was surprised at their reaction to my friend mentioning her sons ever possibly joining the military.

The first response I read is from another friend of mine who has served close to 20 years.  He said, "...I implore you, regardless of the state of the world in the future, encourage (your sons) to find another way to contribute.  Though honorable, a soldier's life is far too hard for me to wish for anyone."

The other response is from someone who recently retired.  I don't know her personally, but she mentioned in her e-mail that she is retired and her husband retired in 2005.  This was her response, "...the military is a hard life and has many sacrifices.  It changes you in some great ways and in some unfortunate bad ways.  Your sons really, really need to be committed to a life of service and accept the fact that what they want might not ever happen because of Uncle Sam.  Your civil liberties are out the door when you sign the dotted line..."

I'm curious to see what you all think of the above statements.  I am not trying to make this a controversial issue and I truly believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions.  I guess I was bothered by this, but I can't really put into words "why" these responses bother me so much.

For me, I would be very proud if either of my children decide to serve in the military.  I don't expect them to, nor will I "make" then join.  My kids are young (9 and 6) and are developing into wonderful little people.  I can only hope that whatever they choose to do in adulthood is because they chose to do it.  And that they are proud of their choices.

What do you think?

Unfortunately, that isn't always true.  Yes, he's here, but he's working.  And he's jet-lagged.  And he may or may not have a decent internet connection.  And he can't call our home phone from his cell phone because the kids would see it on the caller ID and know that he's here.

I'm having a hard time not getting irritated by this.  For goodness sake, you're only four hours away.  I should be able to pick up the phone and talk to you.  Or hop on the computer and find you online.

It is amazing how ones perception gets warped.  I think a lot of it is due to the great communications that we have available to us, both during deployment and in general.  The expectation of communication is so high now.  Remember what life was like before cell phones?  And the internet?  I might not have even known that he was here in the States. 

But I do know.  And I'm cranky.

More Updates 

As I was waiting for my plane, I held my phone in my hand.  I just wanted it to ring so badly.  I boarded the 9:30 flight and finally shut off the phone.

When I landed, there was a voicemail from my husband.  Left at 9:28.

And the stupid thing was that I got mad at him over it.

I walked through the airport fuming.  How could this have happened?  How did I wait two weeks for a call that came the ONE time I couldn't have the phone on?  Didn't he know I was heading home that day?  Why couldn't he have called ten minutes earlier?  Why couldn't he call back two hours later?  What was wrong with him?

I know it's not his fault.  I know he had no way of knowing what time my flight was.  I know he often loses track of what day it is, since he works so hard with no days off.  I know he also constantly gets confused about the time zone difference, since he apparently works on zulu time.  I know he didn't call while I was on a plane on purpose.  I know this.  I know it's not his fault.

But for some reason, I wanted it to be his fault.

I get like this at times during deployment, where I'm just tired of being on the homefront.  I'm tired of keeping track of how many days it's been since we last talked and then hearing him say, "Really?  Has it been that long?"  I'm tired of one-sided conversations and emails that go unanswered and stories that go untold.  I'm tired of feeling like if I miss a call, it's my fault for not being available.

And for some reason, I wanted to take that all out on him when he called at the wrong time.

Luckily I couldn't, because I don't have the opportunity to pick up the phone and gripe at him!

Instead, I called AWTM and told her I was grouchy for such a dumb reason.  She seemed to get it, and I asked her to talk about her life and take my mind off my irritation for a while.  And the feeling passed, and when my husband finally called back this afternoon, I was over it and was just happy to hear his voice.  And rolled my eyes when he said, "Really?  Has it been two weeks?"

But I truly hate that feeling, when I miss a call and I somehow want him to magically know that he's screwed up and ruined my day.

It's not his fault.  It's nobody's fault.  And that's why I have such a hard time with it.

What it boils down to is this, "To Tell or Not to Tell?" 

When it comes to my children's activities, I'm very forthcoming to those in charge.  I tell them right off the bat that Dad is deployed and that I'm playing school bus driver in the minivan on my own. 

I hate doing this.  It makes me horrifically uncomfortable, because I get the feeling that when I inform those in charge of the situation, they feel like they're supposed to say or do something to show they understand.  I feel like the "aura" of the situation is that I'm asking for some kind of special treatment or sympathy.

Ugh.  Sympathy.  Blech.  I don't feel sorry for myself, and the thought that someone might feel sorry for me makes me want to barf.  On the other hand, when someone does try to commiserate, they are doing so because they feel like they should do something, and I don't want to seem ungrateful or inconsiderate of that, either.  I'm always afraid it seems that I'm using my husband's deployment as a hammer, when I'm actually trying to use it as a shim.

It's such a tangled web. 

My real choice would be to not say a word.  I mean, is it really anyone's business?  If I get my kids where they're supposed to be when they're supposed to be there, do the details matter?  I'd much rather avoid the whole issue of people feeling like they are being thrust into the sympathy role through the social contract.  I don't want to be the person who seems like Eeyore,  "Thanks for noticing me..." 

On the other hand, in the general scheme of things my kids don't always get where they need to be when they need to be.  For example, we missed an entire week of lessons/sports/scout meetings when I was too sick to drive anyone anywhere.  There was simply no one else to take them.

Not to mention the extra activities that come up that I just can't make because of conflicting schedules. 

I don't want these people who work so hard at volunteering their time and effort to think I don't value what they do and what they contribute.  There's a reason I miss meetings, am late, leave early, or seem generally frazzled.  That reason is fairly straightforward, and I think understandable.  And my choice is to either seem like an ungrateful flake or explain the situation before the inevitable disaster of some sort strikes.

So even though I don't want to be that person - the one who is constantly telling people, "My husband is deployed right now!" I end up being that person.  And I cringe every time I do it. 

Bet you move a lot?

How many times have you moved?

Do you like moving all the time?

Those questions, or some variation of them, are almost always asked. When I get the question, I usually count with my fingers while saying aloud:

From Ft. Sill to Ft. Benning (one), From Ft. Benning to Ft. Hood (two), From Ft. Hood to Ft. Benning (three) and on and on. When I arrive at the current duty station, I look to see how many fingers (and toes) I have counted and that's the answer I give.

But today I realized that my math skills need some work. Actually, I realized that in second grade, but I digress.....

I don't think I've been counting the times we've been at duty stations and moved WHILE stationed there. There are various reasons this could occur; a landlord decides to sell the house or move back in, we find something we liked better and the price was right, new housing opened up, a promotion means you can afford something bigger, an expanding family, etc.

Today, I got my abacus out and worked on my fuzzy math. Okay, not really, I don't own an abacus, but it sounded good. Anyway, I found that I have overlooked three moves. They were not PCS moves, but they were moves nonetheless. Are moves like childbirth - You forget the pain as the years pass? I think they are. I don't recall any horror stories from these self-induced moves, but I'm pretty darn sure they were painful at the time.

Don't say, "I wasn't as sore as I thought I'd be!"

You will regret it. 

Learn from my mistakes, people.

Defense Department Aims to Improve Families' Lives

Military families make tremendous sacrifices in support of the nation and deserve recognition as well as the best programs and policies the Defense Department can deliver, a defense official said yesterday.

Tommy T. Thomas, deputy undersecretary of defense for military community and family policy, underscored the importance of Military Family Month, gave a broad overview of family programs and offered a glimpse at future initiatives in a wide-ranging interview here with the Pentagon Channel.

“We take the time to do this to recognize the sacrifices that our military families have made in defense of this nation,” said Thomas, referring to Military Family Month, celebrated every November. “We have many deployed family members -- whether it be mother, son, spouse or daughter. [The] bottom line is we look at that entire entity as a family. And we look at and honor those successes that those families are making for this nation.”

Military families face many unique stressors, including maintaining stability at home in the face of deployments and frequent moves, he said. An average civilian may stay in a hometown for 15 to 20 years, he noted, while a military member may move 12 to 14 times in a 27-year period.

“One of the biggest challenges I see is trying to maintain that way of life, just as our civilian counterparts do, and keeping some stability in the family structure,” Thomas said. “We have a number of programs that we offer to make that happen.”

Thomas pointed out the department’s child care and education programs and various programs to offset family child care costs. He added that the military family life consultant program has been a “tremendous benefit to our military families.” The consultants provide anonymous, nonmedical counseling support to troops and their family members. “We sit down and listen to the needs and wants of military families,” he said.

Additionally, the department’s Military OneSource site offers military families 24/7 access on the Internet to counseling services, he said, and commissaries and military exchange stores around the world give servicemembers and their families a “taste of life back home,” as well as economic savings.

Thomas also highlighted a pilot program, the Restoration and Resilience Center at Fort Bliss, Texas, aimed at helping servicemembers and their families deal with post-traumatic stress. The program is “serving as a tremendous tool,” he said.

Thomas said he received firsthand proof of the program’s effectiveness during a visit to Fort Bliss about two weeks ago. He was conducting a focus group when a soldier walked up to him unexpectedly.

“What he said to me is, ‘I want you to know, sir, that the resilience and restoration program saved my life,’” Thomas recalled. “It’s a true testament to some of the programs we have out there and the effectiveness of those programs.”

Defense Department officials always look for ways to tweak programs as they aims to improve them, Thomas said. “You should never rest on your laurels,” he said, noting that it’s vital to hear from the people who are executing the programs as well as from the end users, the military families.

“I’ve logged about 32,000 miles going out talking to focus groups on about 16 installations,” Thomas said. He takes time to speak with military families around the world and uses that information to assess and improve the department’s programs, he added.

It’s not always about program quantity, he noted, but effectiveness, which is why tracking usage and soliciting feedback is so important. He said feedback led to a recent addition of family support services. During visits to Fort Campbell, Ky., and Fort Drum, N.Y. -- both “very high-ops tempo Army installations,” he said -- he received requests for more military family life consultants, a sentiment that was echoed in Europe.

As a result, the department added 118 military family life consultants, all due to feedback at the program-execution level.

Thomas said his No. 1 goal is to make a long-term difference for military families. He pledged to work toward getting “the proper funding and resources we need in our baseline” to create adequate and lasting family programs that also can evolve to meet growing needs.

Above all, military families deserve the best possible programs the department can provide, Thomas said.

“We owe that to our military families -- to make sure we’re doing whatever we can for them, to make sure they’re part of the Defense Department team, that we’re working together collectively,” he said.

In honor of Military Family Month, the department’s Military Community and Family Policy office has several events aimed at improving quality of life for military families, Thomas said, including a Leadership Summit on Military Families on Nov. 9 and 10, a Defense Department/joint services conference called “Improving the Quality of Life for Military Families” from Nov. 16 to 18, and a child development conference, also from Nov. 16 to 18.

You can view Month of the Military Family video here.

President Proclaims Military Family Month

President Barack Obama pledged his support of military members and their families and said Americans have a “solemn obligation” to preserve their well-being in his proclamation declaring November as Military Family Month.

The proclamation reads:

“No one pays a higher price for our freedom than members of our Nation's military and their families. As sons and daughters, husbands and wives, and mothers and fathers are deployed, military families endure with exceptional resilience and courage. They provide our troops with invaluable encouragement and love, and serve our Nation in their own right. During Military Family Month, we honor the families of our Armed Forces and thank them for their dedication to our country.

“Though only a small percentage of our Nation's population, our troops bear the great responsibility of protecting our people. They, along with their families, serve us every day with courage and dignity. Ensuring that military families receive the respect they deserve and the support they have earned is a top priority for my Administration.

“The strength of our Nation is measured not just by our success on the battlefield, but also by our ability to support those families who have made so many sacrifices for us. Time and again, military families have shown their heart in the face of adversity. We have a solemn obligation to ensure that while our men and women in uniform discharge their duties, we do all we can to promote and preserve the well-being of their families. We must also support the families of our wounded warriors and our fallen heroes who have paid the ultimate price for the freedoms we enjoy.

“This month, we celebrate the tremendous contributions of military families, convey to them our deepest respect and appreciation, and recommit ourselves to their support.

“NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim November 2009 as Military Family Month. I call on all Americans to honor military families through private actions and public service for the tremendous contributions they make in the support of our service members and our Nation.”

Each November the ASYMCA celebrates Military Family Month.  You can find the 2009 poster (done by military children) here.  

I'm so proud of my Marine and all our Marines.  It truly is a privilege to be associated with them.  Happy Birthday, Marines!

You know the time:  probably at least a few months in, more likely somewhere past the half-way point, where your previously optimistic attitude deserts you and you are just mad.  Mad that military, mad at your spouse, mad at the whole situation.  I think it is normal to have this as a stage.  I don't personally think it is normal to feel this way the whole time, and I'd be seriously looking for some counseling if I felt that way all the time.  (That just can't be healthy.)  Heck, I have been going to counseling since before mt husband left, as preventative medicine, and it seems to be working so far.

I'm not saying that you have to have an angry stage, and I've been curiously considering the other possible stages.  I bet between the SB readers we could teach a whole class on the stages of deployment.

So, what do you think?

Stella writes:

(Thanks to Post Tenebras Lux for the link.)

The National Guard Bureau has put the finishing touches on a new Joint Services Support (JSS) portal developed to help Guardsmen and their family members get information on an abundance of support programs.

The new portal, online now at JointServicesSupport.org , provides easy access to programs offered at the state and unit level, including the Yellow Ribbon Reintegration Program, Employer Support of the Guard and Reserve (ESGR), National Guard Family Program, Psychological Health Program, Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Program and Warrior Support Program.

The design and layout of the Web sites for these programs are now consistent in their look, navigation and link placements. The information on these Web sites is also specific to the 54 states and territories, and the state and program links are placed at the top of the main JSS portal page.

In cooperation with the states’ program managers, the one-stop Web site will be a gateway to continuously updated and relevant information, which Guardmembers and their families use in their daily lives, said officials.

“We have developed this portal to assist you, the service and family member, in getting information on a variety of programs that have been created especially for you,” said Army Maj. Gen. Lawrence Ross, director of Manpower and Personnel at the National Guard Bureau in a video posted on the Portal’s main Web page.

The following programs are located on the portal:

• Yellow Ribbon Program: Prepares National Guard and Reserve members and their families for deployments, sustains their families during deployments and reintegrates servicemembers with their families, communities and employers upon re-deployment or release from active duty

• Employer Support of the Guard and Reserve: Gains and maintains employer support for Guard and Reserve service by recognizing outstanding support, increasing awareness of the law and resolving conflicts through mediation

• Family Program: Establishes and facilitates ongoing communications, involvement, support and recognition between National Guard families and the National Guard

• Psychological Health Program: Advocates, promotes, and guides National Guard members and their families by supporting psychological fitness for operational readiness

• Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Program: Serves as the National Guard Bureau single point of responsibility for sexual assault prevention and response policy and oversight

• Warrior Support Program: Provides a transition assistance advisor in each state and territory to help Guardmembers and their families with accessing Veterans Affairs benefits and filing claims, TRICARE, state benefits, and access to community resources

Ross said they are “committed to giving full support to the National Guard’s servicemembers and families,” and he encouraged them to visit the portal on a regular basis.

“I believe this portal is a positive step in that direction,” he said.

Anyone clicking on the portal’s predecessor, “Guardfamily.org,” will be rerouted to the new site.

In addition to their online capabilities, Ross said they have also developed mobile and phone-based system technologies that will allow Guardsmen or family members to receive important information wherever they might be.

The state’s program managers have recommended the portal and filled it with information as well as managing and sharing resources through it.

“You can send somebody there, let’s say a wife facing a deployment. T, they go there and get a lot more information than they used to get,” said Stephanie Duell, a Family Programs assistant for the New York Division of Military and Naval Affairs outside Albany.

She said she uses the portal to support the state’s Army Guard families. “I think it’s a good tool,” Duell said, but added that users will “get out of the new portal what they put into it.”

“If you go to the portal and login for New York, you will be able to find your unit in the menus,” she said. “You can go in, and you can register as the spouse, brother, member of [a specific company].

“That allows us to go up and see who has joined, it allows the Guard Bureau to go up and see who is most active,” she said. “It’s really is a good thing … there’s message boards up there … I’m a fan.”

For the Yellow Ribbon Reintegration Program, the portal allows states to share their information on Yellow Ribbon events, so Guardmembers, spouses and other family members can view events at many locations.

“If you click up there, you can see all we have going on,” said Andrew Depalo, deputy director for Family Programs in New York. “This is bringing everybody together.”

I heard the breaking news yesterday while in my car running errands. We have a SpouseBUZZ author whose family is attached to Ft. Hood. I pulled over and texted airforcewife to please try to make contact with her. She texted back that the SpouseBUZZ gals (and Toad) were already on it. All within ten minutes of the initial report. Meanwhile, I was preparing a list in my head of who we knew at Ft. Hood and how to get in touch with them. 

I cut my errands short and returned home to a flurry of emails, phone calls and text messages. People were passing news along and checking in to let everyone know their status. My last phone call of the evening came at 10:00. From a civilian who just wanted to be sure we were okay, the people we knew were okay and to extend her condolences to the entire Army family. 

What was happening at my home was being repeated at countless military homes worldwide. We needed to know that the people we personally know were safe, all the while worrying about the families we've never met who were less fortunate because, like my friend said, they're our family, too. 

My heart breaks for all of the victims of the Ft. Hood shootings, but I know that our Army family has its strong arms wrapped tightly around them. I love having a huge family. Sometimes we squabble. Sometimes we have spats. We may not want to be BFF, but when we need each other. Really, really need each other, we have a massive Army to lean on. As bad as things may get, I'll always find a measure of comfort in that knowledge. 

We held our first SpouseBUZZ LIVE at Ft. Hood, and we have lots of friends stationed there. Way too early to know for sure what has happened and what is going on right now, but one thing we do know -  this is a tragic day for all military families.

Our thoughts and prayers are with our brothers and sisters at Ft. Hood. 

Update: The Killeen Daily Herald's Twitter feed is here. They have reporters on post.

Last week I started something new:  boxing. 

It seems to make sense - with Air Force Guy gone I've got a lot of rage I need to let out.  Frustrations, both daily, and... well, you know.  Married People six thousand miles apart for a long time frustrations.  Hitting things sounded like a perfect outlet.  I could hit things AND I could get a workout?  Yay me! 

Almost as soon as I signed up and handed over the check for the gym I started getting scared.

It's one thing to be the toughest thing in a class of women doing aerobics with a few "kickboxing" moves thrown in for good measure.  It's quite another to start an actual boxing class routine!  I was certainly not going to head into one of those classes with no preparation.

Luckily the first person I talked to at the gym - LA Boxing in the DC Metro area - told me that there would be a coupon for vastly discounted personal training included with a new membership.  And luckily for me the person I talked to was also female and understood why I was nervous.

This is the person I talked to, Jennifer:

I don't look like Jennifer.  I would like to look like Jennifer.  Jennifer is a boxer as well as a personal trainer.  She has a website, and this is what Jennifer looks like when she is fighting:

If you are not scared by Jennifer, you have something missing in your head.  She's tiny, and I think she might be made entirely of tightly coiled determination.  She's also very no-nonsense.  This was very helpful to me, since after signing up for class my first inclination was to flake out.  That looks HARD!  And an hour?  I don't want to work out for an hour!  I hate working out!  I'm short on time! 

I personally think that it is a great cosmic injustice that just signing up for or reading about fitness doesn't help us get fit. 

I also don't think that Jennifer was up for any of my excuses.  I said I'd be there for a personal training session, and I was there.  Even though when I made the appointment she told me, "Don't worry.  I'll work you hard."

That sounded like a threat.  At that point I was seriously wondering what I had gotten myself into.  Why on earth did this ever sound like a good idea to me?  I spent the entire walk to LA Boxing arguing in my head.

I don't need to stick around, I could run away.  Run away to Mexico - no one would ever find me!  I wouldn't have to go to boxing!  No one would know who I was!  Forget this fitness thing!  Being fit is highly overrated!  They have clothes to cover that! 

This was the my first experience with personal training, and right off the bat I have to say that I'm in love.  I'm not looking forward to the end of my coupon!  Personal training is like combining the spa and working out.  Jennifer wrapped my hands for me (I have pink wraps - they didn't have purple) and even opened the water bottles for me!  I was completely spoiled. 

We started out learning the basic boxing punches.  This was done facing a mirror, which meant I had to get over yet another phobia of mine.  I'm working out because I don't like looking at myself in the mirror.  I certainly don't like looking at myself doing something completely new and looking as graceful as a bear on a bicycle.  I think I've already established, though, that you don't tell Jennifer no.  When she told me to face the mirror, I faced the mirror. 

I'm going to state right off the bat that boxing is not as easy as it looks.  You need to deliver punches correctly, with the right form (or, theoretically, someone would knock your block off), you need to keep your feet where they're supposed to be, you need to remember where your non-punching hand is, and you have to aim at what you want to hit.  You're also moving around constantly.  It's a lot to think about at once, and it's frustrating when you start off and have a hard time getting the rhythm.  And forget how cool Rocky looked dancing around - I looked more like an rhinoceros trying to dance the cha cha than the effortless dance of Apollo Creed.

We soon moved from shadow boxing to working with target mitts.  Target mitts are these padded gloves (they look like flat catcher's mitts) that the trainer wears and the person being trained hits. 

That felt good.  They make a very satisfying SMACK sound when you hit them.  And I hit them a lot.  Well, I hit them a lot for me.  I'm pretty sure that I came off as completely wimpy and weak compared to the workouts Jennifer herself usually does.  Jennifer called out punch combinations for me to to do and I attempted to carry them out.  It was not always successful, but I found out that I like to use uppercuts! 

By this time I was exhausted and our hour wasn't even half over.  I was ready to drop when Jennifer called out "Left/Right for 50!" (my terminology may be completely wrong - I have very hazy memories of the second half).  When Jennifer started counting each set of punches rather than each punch, I wanted to run out the door and be done with it.  That's not fifty!  That's 100!  Bait and switch!  BAIT AND SWITCH!!! 

But I finished.  In fact, I finished TWO sets of fifty!  Separated by a break, but still. 

I'll be seeing Jennifer again next week.  I'm actually looking forward to it.

Something else I noticed while Jennifer was working with me - the actual make up of the class going on at the same time.  I had been worried that I was coming into a place where everyone was hard core, everyone knew what they were doing, and everyone would be irritated at being held up by the chubby new girl who has to pretend to jump rope because her hands are too busy holding her chest in place while jumping up and down to manage the jump rope as well (I'm still waiting on the invention of a sports bra that actually keeps things where they're supposed to be).  Nothing could have been further from the truth.

There were several guys there who obviously knew what they were doing.  There was also a guy there who was in great physical shape, but was having a hard time getting the rhythm of the punches.  There was also a woman larger than I am, women older than I, skinny women who were still trying to figure out how to punch the bag, and even an older tween.  Everyone was still learning, people were working at their best pace rather than a pro-pace, and the person teaching the class was giving personal attention to everyone at various times.

What a relief! 

And did I mention that we get to hit things?  

We'll see if boxing is really a good match for my personality, or how much I learn.  But at this beginning honeymoon phase I think it's going pretty well.  I have my first group class today, in fact.  I'll let you know how it goes.

And for those of you in the DC Metro area - several of the LA Boxing locations offer military discounts - and spouses are welcome to use that discount as well.  They even offer classes for children (my son is taking a class three times a week and he thinks it is the best thing ever.  He's also exhausted at the end of it, which I think is the best thing ever)!   You can even take a free introductory class to see if boxing might be something that would work for you. 

Sound off - SpouseBUZZ!  Have any of you tried boxing?  Do you want to?  How did it go for you?

I think the last you heard from me, I was living in a state of perpetually broken down appliances.  That pressure has seemed to let up a little for now. (knocking on wood)

I also am working again, which was HUGE.  Finding an employer, that will work with a military family schedule is HUGE.  It seems to help that the gentleman I am working for was former military. 

Both of my children are also attending school now. 

It is a complete new life for our entire family.  This year felt like a huge jump for us. 
There are extra activities like Boy scouts, swimming classes, gymnastics, church CREW for the children.  I mentioned earlier that I would need a system to organize myself, a HUGE magnetic calendar is on my refrigerator, along with a pocketed file for everything.  It has helped immensely.  I can be scattered. 

With all of these additional activities there seems to be an influx of emails and notes, in which the school, church, or any number of people need assistance in some way.  For the first time,  I find myself capable of helping.  When I had smaller children, it was almost impossible.  In fact many of you with small children are nodding your heads.  You want to help, but with small children and the childcare situation can be a puzzling one. 

Instead of feeling guilt about not helping, I think it is imperative to note, that if you are caring for yourself, and children and doing the best you can in those arenas you are doing your JOB, ESPECIALLY if your spouse is deployed.   Most Mothers have been there and done that, even without deployments, and understand.  I will say I understand your feelings, and the guilt associated with not being in a position to help. 

This year, since my DH is not deployed, my children are older, and I am not dead tired at the end of the day, I decided to become more involved.  My Husband has been helping  too.  I seem to be able to gage my abilities and energies much better now with 5-7 hours sleep in my belt.  I promise, it will happen.  

I also think it is important to remember to enjoy what you are contributing, so it does not feel like a chore or obligation.  Take your talents and take them into consideration.  I for one, do not do well around LARGE groups of Kindergarten children for too long.  Something about the noise, and motions, and the buzz they carry with them.  It does me in, makes me edgy and a little overwhelmed.  So instead of long days of volunteering, I tried my hand at hosting the fall party.  (45 minutes felt like 10)  I have also become the "treat bringer".  The church needs snacks, easy enough.  The classroom needs books.  I can bake, and purchase a couple of books.  

The purpose of helping others, is to do what you can when you can.  You would be surprised at all of the things people can use help with.  Many of those things may seem small, but they are not. 

And with this, I am off to slumber.  Something I recall not getting much of when I had children under 3.  So to the Moms that feel bad for not being able to help because they are stretched thin...it is ok.   We know you will when you can.  We understand.  It is OK to say no.  You have one of the most important jobs on Earth. 

It is even more exciting to me when I get to be a part of it, and Air Force Family (mine, that is, not the generic.  Although I'm sure we're not the only ones.) is happy to get involved.

One thing I can tell you right off the bat is that when Air Force Guy left the Army to join the Air Force long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away, I thought I was headed for an era of peaches and cream and mint juleps on a sun shaded porch.  No more long duties!  No more field exercises that seem to get extended every single time! 

In our case, that's not exactly what happened.

Even prior to 9/11 AFG's chosen career field had him gone for at least 6 months out of most years.  Not everyone is familiar with those parts of the Air Force that don't fly planes, but there are quite a few out there!  Between TDY's, deployments, and the sudden appearance of duties that were somehow never mentioned in time for me to actually plan my way around them - life in the Air Force ended up being a lot more hectic than I ever thought it would be.

On the other hand, even though it was certainly not my first experience with the military - life in the Air Force introduced me to some of the best people I have ever met.  People, both active duty and civilian, who have gone above and beyond to welcome our family, support our family, and be a family to us.  It's allowed us the chance to serve with members of all the services and have the most fun playing duty station trivia.  We've learned an entirely new language, and now even my six year old speaks it fluently.  We have horrible lows, things that you can't even describe to someone without the experience.  But since we have our Air Force and military family, we don't have to describe it.  They just know. 

And we've had the best of times as well - if you don't mind my stealing from Charles Dickens.  Spur of the moment barbecues and parties to help bring down the adrenaline after something critical, sessions where everyone gets together and nitpicks all the things wrong in a military themed movie (one of my favorite group activities, especially if there are chips and salsa involved), and potluck parties where all the families bring their specialty foods. 

Those pot-lucks usually run the gamut from bruschetta and brownies to fresh tortillas, mouth-watering pico de gallo, and at one duty station the best chicken tikka masala you could dream of.  That spouse was one of my favorites.  Chicken Tikka Masala has become a life-long obsession with me, now.

I'm not going to lie and say that everything about being an Air Force Family has been peachy-keen and apple pie wonderful.  I miss my husband when he's gone, and sometimes it seems like he's ALWAYS gone.  Many holidays have gone by with a sense of sadness underneath the celebration because he's not here.  I've learned things I never wanted to learn, like how to replace a toilet, what a  dying transmission feels like,  and how to lay laminate flooring, because AFG wasn't home to do them for me and there was no choice but to get them done.  Sometimes it feels like I'm raising my children by myself.  And can I just add here that I'm really tired of being the only one that picks up the dog poop in the yard?

I've also gained some things that are not generally available to people who don't live this life.  I've gained amazing friends that know what I'm going through without me having to say and who have the background to know when they can ask certain questions and when things are going to have to stay in the "hint" category. I've learned how to find the ridiculous and laugh in life, even when everything seems to be conspiring against me, because by choosing to laugh I win.  I've seen things I never imagined existed when I was growing up, and things I never thought would be a part of my life.  I've lived places, both great and - well, not so great, that other people only read about in books or see on TV.   I have a greater appreciation for what it is to be married - because I spend an awful lot of my time without my husband.  Entire TV series are based on aspects of marriage that confuse the heck out of me - because they really don't seem that important in the grand scheme of things.

I have a totally different perspective than I did when I first started this journey.  And it's a journey I'm glad we made the choice to take.  When I look back on my life, I know I will be able to do so with pride.  I have been a part of something bigger than me, something important. 

And it is very special.

More links on The Year of the Air Force Family can be found here:

Air Force Live Kick-off Blog

Air Force Live

Air Force Family of the Year

The First Lady Speaks About Military Families

US Air Force Website

More Updates 

Suzie, we'll call her, recalled how nervous and uptight she was in 2003. Communication was extremely limited and, if you'll recall, we were all holding our breaths wondering if chemical or biological weapons would be unleashed on our troops. We talked about living in a perpetual state of anxiety. Suzie said that was an apt description of the first two deployments. Life went on, but the tightening in her gut never relaxed until her husband was home. 

I pointed out that she mentioned the first two deployments. "What about this one?" I asked.

This time around, "I'm in a manageable state of anxiety." 

Yes, there's always a fear of the worst happening, no matter where our loved ones are, Suzie noted. But, at least for Suzie, there is a sense that the worst is behind them and that a deployment to Iraq is fairly predictable. I think she meant predictable in military terms, which is indeed a strange animal....  

Interesting conversation. I'm curious, for those of you who have experienced multiple deployments to the same location, has the way you approached and dealt with these deployments changed with each one? I realize that deployments are like snowflakes, no two are alike, but I do find from regularly talking with milspouses that there are a variety of factors we weigh when deciding how to "deal." For Suzie, it seemed to be mostly about measuring how dangerous and unpredictable things on the ground are. For some of us, we weigh the actual separation, and all that goes with it, more heavily. Each of us are unique and evaluate different criteria, or rank criteria differently, so there's no universal or right answer. What do you weigh, and in what order?

I don't mail my husband care packages while he's deployed.  I don't think postage is a good use of our family's money.

My husband has never complained and always says that he can get anything he needs downrange, and if he can't get it there, he doesn't need it.  But still, when I hear other military spouses talking about sending care packages, I do sometimes feel guilty.

Still, not guilty enough to spend money to mail him snacks and movies.  He gets plenty of both.

I send letters.  Postage for one package is the cost of sending him at least 20 letters.  I'd rather invest in loving words...

Am I the only one who doesn't send care packages?  (Probably.)

I think the biggest thing that military spouses need is support.  True support, not just something said in passing.  Let's face it, it is nearly impossible to do this alone, and yet that is what so many of us find ourselves trying to do. 

Get the kids to school (or teach them yourself at home), find time to work out, get various children to various activities which are often scheduled at the same time and across town from each other, keep your spouse's morale up, send CARE packages, don't fall apart in front of your children, and make sure that there are clean clothes available to wear, even if they don't match.

Also, it's usually a pretty good idea to get your kids fed, too.  Just in case someone asks.  And what usually happens is that nowhere in the equation is there time to take care of yourself.  We'll do that when our spouse gets home, right?  No time at the moment.

When you factor in being thousands of miles away from family, your options on help truly narrow.  And when you don't live in a military community, you might find things get very surreal.  To say the least.

At this point we are not living in a military community.  Air Force Guy is deployed (again) and my kids are just far enough apart in age to all be doing activities on different levels and at different times.  Even with each kid cut down to one sport, Scouting, and CCD that means that we're running every night Monday through Friday with multiple appointments each day and with swim meets on weekends.  Plus the home-schooling in the morning.  Schedules must be kept with machine precision for all this to work, and I'm sure every military spouse can relate.

Last week, the religious education director at our (civilian) church called me and let me know that the teacher for my son's class (First Communion preparation) had given notice and they needed someone to take over.  This was all phrased in such a way that I truly felt unable to say no, even though I really couldn't figure out how this was going to set into my schedule.  That's the problem when you ask someone who is used to volunteering to volunteer for something - there's that sense of duty and the knowledge that someone has to do it, and "someone" generally means "you."

It was during the training meeting that I was most profoundly shocked when I was told that my son would not be able to make First Communion this year because our schedule does not allow me to make the mandatory evening meetings for parents - which are held with a no children allowed rule. 

"People need to sacrifice for their children's religious education," I was told.

I have to admit that I was speechless.  I realize that a person can always do more,  but I do volunteer a lot in quite a few different organizations - and I'm going to go ahead and say that I probably understand the concept of sacrifice.  At least a little bit. 

And then there was the fact that this speech was given to me on Monday.  Monday - when death led the news cycle for just a bit in the very place my husband is taking a year long vacation.

I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I know I don't feel good.

I think what bothers me most is that I feel for military families collectively that in primarily civilian communities we're rather forgotten in the day to day scheme of things.  The deaths on Monday weren't exactly a secret - and it was probably not the best backdrop to lecture someone with a deployed husband about the necessity of making a bigger sacrifice and the implication of not knowing what sacrifice is.  I certainly don't think that statement was made with any malice - just for some reason the person didn't think.  It isn't a part of their everyday world like it is for me and for other military spouses - we see the faces of those we know, others just hear numbers.  Most people don't spend every day half planning and expecting to get a knock at the door from Uniforms.  It just doesn't hit their radar screen.

So there are civilians.  And then there are civilians...

Were it not for the two leaders of my evil blond daughter's Girl Scout troop (and two other extremely active Mom volunteers), there would be no Girl Scouts in my family.  These two women work their hearts out with a gaggle of giggling fourth and fifth graders - and the times they've picked my daughter up, dropped her off, or asked if I needed help getting her to an event are countless.  They've never ever held the fact that I'm unable to physically help out at meetings (because I'm usually driving another kid to swim team practice and picking a kid up from CCD) against me, never held it against my daughter, and how they keep from getting burned out when they give so much is utterly beyond my comprehension.

At the end of last year, when AFG was home from a 6 month TDY and two months before he left for deployment one of the leaders noticed he was with me as I picked up my daughter.

"Your husband's home!" she said to me.

"Yeah, but not for long.  He's leaving again in a couple of months," I said.

"Yes," she said, and then emphasized the next phrase very clearly.  "But he's home now."

And she was right - he was home right then, and thinking about the fact he was getting ready to ride off into the sunset again in a few short months was only shadowing the time we had left to spend together.

Such a little thing, and yet it meant so much.  It was true I needed to think about the situation differently, but the pointer wasn't issued rudely, snidely, nor from a lofty position of superiority.  It was not delivered by someone who had never done anything to help my family when we were floundering.   It was delivered by someone who had made it a rule to help in the way she could most, from the position she was most able to make a difference.   "You just don't understand!" would have been an inappropriate response from me.  That statement was something she did understand, even if she wasn't another military spouse.  She had been supportive enough during our time here that she had earned the right to be frank with me.

It was 180 degrees from the experience I had at church.

Neither of these leaders, nor the active moms who sacrifice so much of their time to the Girl Scout Troop, have ever treated me any differently from the other civilian parents in the group.  There is none of the kid glove treatment that I sometimes get from people who don't know how to react when I explain why I can't do something or be somewhere.  No one ever tells me, "I'm so sorry," when I explain that my husband is deployed and so I might not be as available as I should be to hold up my end of the Girl Scout volunteer hours because I'm stretched too thin.  I'm always greeted with a smile, and when things that I *can* do come up, I'm never made to feel that my help is mandatory, just that it would be great if I could spare the time. 

I'm just a normal Mom, with a bit of a different situation that requires some creative thinking.  And I'm eternally blessed they are willing to put out that extra effort to think creatively.

Being military in a civilian world has never been easy - there is such a gulf there, and too many people see it as too wide to bother to cross.  And let's face it - as military family members we often vacillate between reaching out and pulling back abruptly when no one grabs the hand we've extended.  This is our normal, so verbal recognition feels contrived.  We all know someone struggling through more than we do on a daily basis.  I truly feel sympathy for those civilians who want to help, but don't know how and feel like everything they try is wrong somehow.  

It's not an easy road to navigate - for anyone.  Like many other military spouses, I have tried to turn some of those hurtful civilian situations into a joke, something funny out of something that can be truly painful or leave you feeling isolated and cast aside after the ceremonies of Veteran's Day.  My jokes, in turn, have at times legitimately hurt the feelings of those civilians who truly try to help.  It's a vicious circle.  

How do we change this?  This is a long war, and it's not close to over.  We'll be doing this for a long time, and as self sufficient as military families are, we can't do it alone.  We need real support - help at home, and the understanding that emotionally we are in a very different place than many Americans.  We don't want kid gloves, we want to be as normal as we can be - with the understanding that our normal is not normal.

But it's how to get to that point where I get lost.