In My Shoes

Fla. Republican: We wanted to suppress black votes

2012-07-29T14:40:00.001-04:00

Fla. Republican: We wanted to suppress black votes

2012-07-09T22:11:00.000-04:00

Well it's been an interesting couple of weeks ...Work has been uneventful and home has been serene, for the most part. My romantic life on the other hand has been a roller coaster. Clay has expressed that he loves me and wants to marry me.. and for a while I have been hesitant. He drinks a lot and when he does he becomes another person.... This scares me for a lot of reasons... I have children and well.. that is not the environment I want them to grow up in; I don't have the patience to deal with someone constantly being intoxicated. But I do love him.. and when we are together things are wonderful.. he is caring ... attentive and generous. Lately ... this has diminished .. he doesn't answer my texts .. or call me like he used to. When we actually get time together he still treats me like I am the only woman in the world.. but only when we are together... sooo my female intuition and the years of people watching made me want to dig a little and of course.. I was right... there was another woman. I confronted him and he admitted that there was someone .. but tat she is his mothers nurse... He can't afford a home health aid at 18.00 an hour and this girl likes him.. so she is either cheap or free. He says he is leading her on but that nothing physical has happened. As much as I want to believe this.. I know it isn't true...female intuition again... So I am left trying to balance my love for him with a dose of reality... I know better.. really I do!! I just really want to give him the benefit of the doubt... I guess I am just trying to hang on to something that may not be mine to have.. in hopes that someone in my life could possibly be honest and loyal... Yes.. I am a fool.

2012-06-29T20:12:00.001-04:00

Well wouldn't you know it.. I checked the CSE website today and they actually sent Jack a letter. It was a reminder that he hadn't paid his child support in 45 days and that he had 14 days to pay it .. it's been much longer.. and this was only the first of three reminders .. but hey, it;s more than what's been done so far. I could really use the money right now.. I doubt he will pay any of it.. but we will see.

2012-06-28T21:36:00.001-04:00

It's been 4 days of extra B12 a multivitamin and my regular dose of CLA ..which is typically for weight loss but helps my joint pain immensely. Not quite sure if it is pure will power or if the supplements are actually helping but I do feel a bit better than I have the past two weeks.

On another note.. it's been 4 months since Jack has paid child support. The Florida Child Support Enforcement Agency (CSE) is living up to it's horrible reputation. A judge denied Jacks petition for a paternity test back in December; in March I received an appointment notice for genetic testing. Confused, I called child support and they told me to call the Clerk of Court, which I did, only to be told to go to my local CSE office with the letter to work it out. I did.. and no one could tell me why I received this letter because they had no record of it. Must have been a mistake...They made a note in my file and told me not to worry about the appointment.. In May I received yet another appointment letter saying that they had rescheduled my appointment. Again I called CSE and the Clerk of Court.. both saying it was the other agencies responsibility to fix it... but that this time, even though te Clerk of Court had no record of a judges order for testing, there was indeed an appointment in the CSE database and I had neglected to make the first one... Also letting me know that they would not begin enforcement actions until the results came back. Needless to say, I was more than a little frustrated. But a prepared myself to miss yet another day of work just to get it over with. Two days before the appointment I faxed the local CSE office administrator and explained both the situation and my frustration (there is no local phone number available).. She called me the next morning apologizing and assuring me that I did not have to go to the appointment.. also assuring me that she had made 2 notes and called the testing facility to cancel, and that she had no idea why someone told me they would not pursue the child support until the testing was completed because it simply wasn't true .. Well I wish I could say that they at least sent im a letter that day.. but they haven't.. I called yesterday and the worker seemed baffled at the fact that there had been no action taken since April .. but assured me .. YET AGAIN.. that she would put a note in my file for the local office to pursue... Something tells me that before my munchkin is 10 they will run out of room to post notes... Maybe then they will actually look at my file.. if for nothing else but to purge it and begin again.....We shall see..

2012-06-24T10:51:00.000-04:00

So.. it's Sunday morning and the house is quiet (for now).. The kids are still asleep and I am enjoying a cup of coffee and a few minutes of solitude... I keep thinking back to yesterdays post.. then further back to the past couple of weeks. I have been feeling especially moody for at least that long. I find myself wanting to be alone most of the time. The thought of being around anyone but my children makes me anxious.
I have a good life... beautiful children who love me.. a decent job..good friends; so I can't quite understand why I am feeling this way. Whatever it is.. I hate it and I am determined to shake it! But how do you fight something you can't see... something you don't know the origin of? Vitamins.. herbs.. determination.. or do I give in and opt for technology and man made drugs? I do not like prescription drugs.. never have. They tend to mask real issues and more often than not, the side effects are worse than the condition they are prescribed for.... so I will try determination and some supplements for now. I should be happily enjoying all of the amazing things that life has provided me... not wanting to hide away from them. Let's see where this takes me..

Moody today

2012-06-23T12:03:00.000-04:00

Enjoying a quiet Saturday after a stressful week.. I have been a bit moody lately; hopefully some quiet time will help.. Clay may stop by for a bit, and Alli's little sister and her friend will be visiting as well.. I am really not in te mood to socialize but I suppose I can manage for a few hours.

ZeekRewards - The Rewards Program of a Lifetime!

2012-06-19T20:53:00.001-04:00

ZeekRewards - The Rewards Program of a Lifetime!

2012-06-15T17:46:00.000-04:00

Interesting new prospect that quite a few people are excited about... Figured I would give it a try...
If you happen by.. please do let me know what you think.

2012-06-10T17:30:00.002-04:00

Long overdue

2012-06-10T16:57:00.002-04:00

So, I have moved to the next phase of my life.. both figuratively and physically! It feels good.. I moved to a small town just one county away from where I was, and couldn't be happier. The schools are great... neighbors are friendly.. and I am 5 minutes from work. I am slowly and cautiously meeting new people.. Marissa is flourishing.. she met a new friend and they get along wonderfully.
I have also filed for child support for my littlest angel, Joaquin. It isn't being paid.. but I knew that it wouldn't be. Within hours of the judges decision, Jack called me to ask about relinquishing his parental rights. It was the very thing that kept me from asking for support for so many years... now.. well it is what is.. at least until Joaquin is older and begins to ask questions. Sigh.. I am not looking forward to that.. but I will handle it as gently as possible... For now.. he is a happy, loved, and well adjusted 4 year old. He asks for his daddy but is content with knowing that daddy is very busy but loves him with all his heart.

2011-08-14T10:03:00.000-04:00

It's Sunday morning and my little ones are running around with the dog ... I am enjoying my coffee and contemplating a few things. Clay for one.. We have been dating over a year and he still hasn't met the kids. I suppose thats ok ..but I wonder where we will be in another year. Will we ever progress past seeing each other once a week...and if so.. is that enough? Right now I suppose it is..I miss him terribly when I am not with him but it is manageable. I did mention to him again that we should get together just to introduce him... but he got quiet. He is going through a lot right now so I really don't want to push the issue too much. We have sort of become comfortable with how things are right now...but I think I may want more, someone to come home to at night, to share my life with. I want him to be that person.. but I don't know if that will ever happen. It makes me a little sad to think he will never be ready for that but I am not ready to give up on it just yet. He makes me happy. He has all the qualities I need in a man... He is strong, thoughtful, caring and we share some of the same values. Could this be love? Could I be lucky enough to find this twice in one life?
A girl can hope:)

Beautiful...

2011-07-29T02:20:00.001-04:00

"There's a story behind every person. There's a reason why they're the way they are. They aren't like that because they want to be. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it's impossible to fix them."

2011-06-05T10:06:00.000-04:00

Be careful whose gaze you meet.. eyes speak more truth than the lips ever could....

So far...

2011-05-31T22:42:00.000-04:00

Sitting outside with two of my four beautiful children... There is a slight breeze and I can smell the Gardenias in bloom. It is a perfect day to reflect on everything that has happened since my last post.

Work has been great... I have moved into the engineering department, which really is where QA belongs anyway. I really like my job... I have a few personal issues with people, but they small and don't affect my work or love of what I do.
My personal life has calmed a bit, mostly out of necessity. Jack is still trying to get me back and as resorted to not seeing his son... He says that he wants a family and that it is my fault he doesn't see him because I don't want the same thing. I am happy and ,looking back, not quite sure what I saw in him.. other than the fact that he was the complete opposite of my late husband... I felt like finding the same qualities would do his memory and the new relatiopurr5nship a disservice. ... that I was replacing him... Anyway.. I do not regret the relationship.. I have my beautiful boy .. and that is worth any amount of aggravation that I might be going through. My only source of sadness and anger at this point is that my son.. our son is paying for the fact that we aren't together.
I was at the point of tears last night... It wasn't the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last... As we sat trying to find the last three pieces to Joaquins favorite dinosaur puzzle he says out of nowhere .. "Mommy where's my daddy? I love my daddy... Mommy, my daddy is working.... " I say "yes baby, daddy is working and he loves you too" ... The whole focus became building his puzzle for his daddy.. and how much his daddy was going to love it.... My sweet little boy just want's what all children want... for his daddy to be proud..
So I tell him that I know his daddy will love it... how much he loves and misses him..all while holding back tears and wishing it were all true
Fact is.. I keep asking his father to see him and he keeps making excuses at the same time he is professing to miss him...
His newest tactic is to ask for a paternity test ..He bought one at the local pharmacy and sent it to me.. well half of it, told me I should send back the sample and that he would send it into the lab... When I asked that he either send the complete test to me to send in or have one done at a reputable lab where we all go in, he protested. I am not a complete idiot .. I mean really.. how hard would it be for him to swab the inside of someone else's mouth and have "proof" that our son was not biologically his? Well long story short.. it pushed me to file for child support, which I should have done a long time ago... again my hope that somehow we could have a civil relationship for our son won over common sense and the advice of friends.... He will get his "peace of mind" from a court ordered DNA test and, I will receive at least financial support for our child.

On a brighter note.. I have met someone.. I mentioned him in my last post... We have been seeing each other for a while now and he is pretty wonderful. We have a lot in common.. and for the most part he is bot attentive and caring... Ana has been great and watches the little ones once a week so that we can see each other.
I am a bit "gun shy" so I haven't introduced him to the kids yet... Though he has met Eddie and Ana briefly at work... Ahh I neglected to mention that we work together... which has been a little odd but easier than I thought since we both value our privacy and are professional to the point that until we mentioned it to a couple of close people, no one even knew we were dating...
We are getting close and I suppose we will have to decide if we are on the same page as far as our relationship goes.. I think we are.. but we both seem afraid too take that next step... He doesn't have kids.. and he is a bit younger than I am... that coupled with my failed relationship with Jack makes me a bit afraid that I might be wrong about him or that my little ones will get attached to another man only for it to end and they would be hurt again... I would feel horrible ...
I suppose I just have to decide if he is worth the risk... That is difficult when the cost of being wrong is my childrens happiness........

2010-09-20T00:17:00.000-04:00

... I have not quite been able to get Jack to understand that I cannot be with him.. He keeps telling me hes trying.. and that I just need to give him another chance... I have given him chances... over and over again. I don't have anything left to give him.. I had begun to hate him.. and that is no good for Joaquin. I want him to be in his sons life.. He loves his daddy.. but even that seems impossible. His exact words to me were "I'll miss you and Joaquin" .. It seems my fears were correct.. He does not know how(or refuses) to separate our relationship from his relationship with our son.
It has been months since we officially broke up and even longer since I have made it clear that I was not happy and asked that he focus on Joaquin and not us.
I have lost any interest in working things out... I have moved on.... I even began seeing someone.. mostly in hopes that this would make him see that there is no chance. He continues to ask .. continues to try and hold my hand during visits with Joaquin. ..he continues to refer to us as a couple... He has been driving by my house...scaring my children... I am seriously considering a restraining order... The only thing stopping me is that hope I spoke of a couple of years ago... Sadly.. that too is deteriorating.

2010-09-06T18:30:00.000-04:00

Well another day has passed.. I took Joaquin to see his father yesterday.. It has been well over a month since he has seen him. We went to the park... I figured it would be best not to go to his house... I was right.
I went to see my sister last week.. I wish under better circumstances :o( She lost her husband .. I was never close to him but she loved him.... I feel badly for my niece .. She isn't close to my sister... so her dad was who she turned to.. now she feels all alone.
He was a pleasant enough man.. but a severe alcoholic and my sister always felt the need to protect him from himself... She wouldn't let him work... drive.. she barely left him alone for fear he would drink... which he always did.
I can't imagine a life like that.. for either of them. So I am torn between feeling sad that she lost someone she loved.. and comforted by the fact that he is no longer struggling and she no longer has to play warden to a grown man.
Anyway .. I was happy to be able to be there for her.

2010-09-04T21:57:00.000-04:00

It's been a few months .. again...:o) I always mean to post at least weekly.. but life gets in the way sometimes.
So much is happening. I am still enjoying my job, quite a bit. I enjoy the people there. Some purely for entertainment value.. but a select few .. I truly like on a personal level.

Speaking of personal.. *sigh* .. my personal life has changed.. I hope for the better.
I finally left Jack.. I just couldn't do it any more. He has become so unstable .. to the point that I fear for my safety .. as well as my children's. He has hurt himself and threatened to hurt me and my children if I didn't stay with him.
As much as I wanted to try to make it work for Joaquin.. I just can't do it anymore. So.. it's been a couple of months.. and other than his constant calls I feel good.. Free..
I have begun to go out once a week with friends .. It has been great.. and it has helped me to look at my relationship with Jack more clearly.

I hope that he get the help he needs and will move on. Want to be happy.. I want him to be happy.. but most of all I want my children to be happy

Moving on

2010-06-13T08:11:00.000-04:00

So.. another couple of months have passed...Things are still changing.. I am growing ... Learning ...
I didn't realize how stuck I was... I forgot what it felt like to be alive .. to just breath ...
My new job has opened me up to so much. New friends...OK well not exactly friends ...but decent people... who aren't focused on just themselves. I am finding that I have something to offer new relationships ..qualities that make me good at what I was hired for... It's odd because I told myself I had these things.. But I am finding that seeing it happening.. Other people reinforcing it... I never truly believed it... I believed that what I already had was all I could hope for ...

2010-04-25T10:27:00.000-04:00

Well.. It's been a few months.. I have made some changes. I started a new job last month.. I love it!! It feels wonderful to actually enjoy going to work again. The pay is better.. The hours are good.. Overtime is needed.

They seem impressed with my work, which is great... I applied a couple of times.. but for a different position. They called me back because of my experience in another area .. I am pleasantly surprised that I am enjoying the position.... It is a lot of work.. and I am on my feet, running around most of the day... but it feels GREAT .. and the fact that I am finally getting back into pre-Joaquin shape is an added bonus. He is 2 now and well .. it has taken longer than I anticipated to lose those last few baby pounds.
Now that my professional life is in order.. I really need to focus on my personal life.
I don't really know what I want at this point. I love Jack.. well at least I think I do.. But I don't know if that is enough anymore. I hold on.. I guess for Joaquin... He loves his daddy... and Jack has proven that if we aren't together...he will pretty much throw his son away.. It breaks my heart. so I endure the emotional abuse.
I don't get angry with anything he does anymore... I am apathetic to the whole thing ... which makes me sad ... It is a very lonely ,empty feeling.
Every once in a while he does something to make me remember why I fell in love with him.. but those times are becoming less and less ... I am tired of being unhappy .. but again .. my baby boy deserves his father in his life ... and I will not be the cause of that ending. ..
I know better... I know he deserves more than a father that would throw him away so carelessly. He deserves the kind of father that would fight for him until his last breath. But this is what he has .. and I seem hell bent on holding it together... until I cannot hold on anymore.. ever hopeful that something will change .. something will click and make everything right.
Logically .. I know it wont .. but my heart .. well it doesn't know logic...

Cautious ...

2010-01-31T16:44:00.000-05:00

Well... I made it through another week. Same job .. same man .. But my outlook is slowly changing. . I have begun to actively look for a new place to work.. I figure something has to give.. for my sanity and my children's well being . I really don't have an attachment to the job anymore. I used to. There was a time that I couldn't wait to get to work. Now I can't wait to leave and I dread waking up in the morning.
So.. it seems the most obvious choice to relieve some of the unproductive stress.
Now Jack.. well he suggested couples counseling (his mothers suggestion) .. I agreed. Now I will wait and see if it ever happens. He tends to put things off until he is forced to do them. He has issues making decisions and bigger issues with getting anything at all done.. unless someone tells him to. He just sort of exists .. which is a huge part of our problem. I have also made a decision regarding that. I have decided to just let it be... I can't keep fighting no matter how much I really want this to work. This will take some getting used to as I am used to fighting and have major issues with letting go. .. But I will give it a try and hope for the best... We have both done are part to get to this point .. I just hope we can go on from here and begin to grow again.
I love him.. well at least I think I do. I never really understood the word love ... except for the love of my children it has never been an earth shattering emotion for me .. Jack is different in that it runs either hot or cold. There is no middle comfortable range.
.. Anyway.. back to the changes.. I am looking forward to a new job .. Income taxes are due any day and I am going to treat myself to a few new additions to my wardrobe... and possibly some new shoes... I probably don't need the shoes but...I love them... call it an addiction.. vice.. whatever.. I don't indulge in it often .. but I may .. just this once!
Now the kids ... Well Ana and Alli have been spending time together again .. I don't really know what to make of it yet.. It's becoming an annual thing... they break up .. then get back together a month or two later. We will see.
Eddie and Marissa are getting ready for FCAT .. Marissa has started going to a tutor for help in math.. and Eddie is HOPEFULLY studying for his testing.
Joaquin is learning more every minute.. He is amazing! I am considering taking him out of his current day care and placing him in a more structured environment. I don't think they can teach him at the rate I know he is capable of.
.. Well the dog is chasing the children around the house and it is getting quite loud .. so off to make sure everyone is in one piece .. after that ..make a cup of coffee and check on the sauce. Smells delicious BTW!!
I am hoping to write again later ... we will see ..

How did I get here?

2010-01-24T16:44:00.000-05:00

So.. I as I sat reading my posts.. I start to wonder why? Why am I really in a relationship that makes me so unhappy? Why do I still work at a job that I dread going to every day? Why do I sound so negative about almost everything? This is not who I am..This is not the person I want my children to emulate .. I want them to be strong .. confident, self sufficient and happy!
Am I just in a rut? Could this be what depression feels like? I have never been one to make excuses.. Thoughts of a stint on anti depressants and everyone around me walking on eggshells .. wondering if the next thing they say will send me into the local mental health facility.. What a horrible thought! Me? Depressed? In need of an outside influence to make me happy again? I will not allow that .. I can't!
So what to do? Sit back and hope it goes away?
Well that just isn't acceptable.. I have children who need me to be on top of everything all the time. I am their stability ... so.. what to do.. what to do .. Seems like it's time to make some changes ... Start small ... learn to be happy again.. Remember how much I have .....No.. not remember .. focus ... Remember implies I forgot .. and I haven't ... I have 4 of the most incredible children ... I have a roof over my head.. a pretty nice one at that.. I have a job.. wait I hate my job.. but so many people don't even have that.. but it is one of the main sources of my ... hmmm... lets call it a rut! ... It is something that may have to change in the very near future.. if at all possible.
Now the other source of my "rut"will not be so easy .. We are tied together by our little Joaquin ... and as much as logic tells me that Joaquin will probably be better off in the long run ... I still cannot bring myself to do that to either of them ... I will leave that for later .. and hope that somehow we can make it work.. or gather the strength to let go.
So.. back to starting small ... I am going to end everyday noting one thing I am thankful for .. one thing that made the day good ... positive thinking seems to be the remedy prescribed by talk show hosts ..personalities and the like... And I have always prided myself on how I woke up every morning thankful for what I have.. maybe it's time to end the day that way as well ... we will see how it goes .. and if willing ones self to be happy is possible ... then I am up for the challenge.
Bigger changes need to happen.. I know.. and they will.. So I will take a few minutes each day to reflect .. notice every thing I have.. light a few candles ... warm bath.. glass of wine.. something .. anything .. just for me ... no matter how frightening it might be to be alone with my thoughts :P

2010-01-23T14:25:00.002-05:00

Wow! I haven't posted since April... I guess I have just been in a rut... Things between me and Jack have been pretty stagnate... He managed to buy a house ...A pretty nice one actually.. He left one job for another which he already quit. .. He is now living on the $8,000.00 first home buyer credit the Government gave him. .. He still continues to play games.. won't call.. won't come to visit but expects me to visit and call him every day.. I am currently dividing my time between work.. the kids and Jack... difficult but I have adjusted. .. I am however growing tired of the games and wondering if it is worth it... I am at a loss as to which way to turn.. I want him in Joaquin's life .. I want him in my life .. but though his words say he wants the same.. his actions are proving otherwise. I also seem to have issues with letting go .. I was raised to believe that you stay with one person your whole life "till death do us part" .. I did that once.. I lost my older children's father after 18 years together .. Jack was the first and only relationship I have had since his death. .. I am afraid that I am staying in the relationship for idealistic reasons .. not for the reasons one usually stays. He has proven that he has no interest in working on the relationship or in the work and patience it takes to be a father and role model to our son ... I just can't seem to let go ...

Work has been exhausting.. I received the promotion .. without a raise .. and as the workload increases the rewards of working hard have diminished... I dread Mondays now.. I have always loved doing what I do .. I am good at it.. and I enjoy the people I work with ... but it is difficult working for a company who does not care for it's employees .. even more so when you are forced to be a part of it .. being in upper management is not all it's cracked up to be ... I am currently searching for a new job.. one more rewarding and challenging at the same time ...

Now.. for the best part of my life! My children .. They are all wonderful ... Ana is in college and doing great! She is also working and helping out as she always has ... Eddie is being home schooled at this time.. I have given him an ultimatum ,, either bring up his grades or get prepared for his GED so that he can go on to college. He must do something with his life .. Marissa is still the princess of the house ... still throwing tantrums that are ear shattering .. but also very sweet when she chooses to be ... I adore her .. just waiting for the "phase" to be over... Joaquin is my littlest angel .. so smart that his physical abilities haven't caught up to how quickly his brain is progressing... you can almost see him thinking .. We are working on weening him from nursing .. and considering potty training ... that should be TONS of fun as he shows no interest at this point .. I have stated it before ... they are my life .. they keep me happy .. they are the best reason to wake up each morning!

2009-04-21T14:15:00.002-04:00

Well.. It's Tuesday and I am exhausted already! I had a long weekend and I didn't sleep well last night. Jack has been visiting since Thursday and he says he is on vacation for a week. He's "looking for a house to buy" .. How the hell is that going to happen.. the market the way it is.. his credit is worse than mine.. and well he just isn't very motivated. He's staying with his parents now, and they have made it exceptionally comfortable for him. Way too comfortable if you ask me.. but no one asked.. so I will keep my mouth shut.
We have been getting along ok.. I mean.. we arent fighting.. He's still playing his poor me games... tells me that whatever I want he will do.. Problem is.. he does things on his time.. and by then, I have already done them myself. I asked him to get insurance for Joaquin.. he did.. when he 15 months old and I had already gotten insurance.. asked him to get a job.. that took a year.. asked him to get an apartment and stop living in his shop so that the baby would be safe when we came to visit.. he got an apartment.. a year later.. over 100 miles away.. and he kept it for a whole year!. He never invited us to visit... oh wait.. and the best... he bought a ring.. with what I will assume are intentions on asking me to marry him... while he is still in a "domestic partnership" with his ex. If you live in certain counties in Florida.. that is tantamount to a marriage license. .. I asked that he get it dissolved.. he hasn't.. says he promised by the beginning of the year... well .. it's April!
Anyway.. we have been going through the motions of being in a relationship. He comes up.. plays with the baby.. we talk a little.. watch tv together.. and well.. yes are intimate. I do have to say.. if there was something holding us together.. besides our sweet Joaquin.. it would have to be that we are so compatible sexually. That is the one area in our relationship that I have not and cannot imagine complaining about.
So I start wondering if that is all we have?.. Is that all we will ever have? Can we build something from the love of our son and a physical relationship? I mean.. I do love him.. or at least the memory of the man I met 4 years ago. He can be sweet.. funny... loving.. strong... but he can also be the biggest jerk...
Maybe I expect too much..

Poem for my angel.

2009-03-21T19:35:00.003-04:00

I look into his eyes and see everything he needs

I hold him in my arms and know just how things should be

I watch him play and fight back tears

Knowing that he needs you near

To teach him things I do not know

To hold his hand and help him grow

It pains me all the things you've missed

First smile .. first laugh.. first morning kiss

What hurts the most is that you can't see

Exactly what your place could be

2009-01-19T21:17:00.002-05:00

So lets update.
I found a home daycare that I am fairly comfortable with for Joaquin... I was and still am not to comfortable with home daycare.. mainly because there is one person caring for so many children... It has to be quite stressful..That coupled with the fact that Joaquin is just 15 months and cannot tell me if something bad happens just makes me uneasy.. I cannot swing what it will cost to put him in a larger facility and put Marissa in aftercare so she doesn't become a "latchkey" kid.
Anyway I am a bit more at ease knowing that there are two caregivers at any given time at this facility.
I went for a visit last week and Joaquin absolutely loved it... he spent the whole hour there trying to hug the other babies.. he never even noticed when I left the room..

Now the work situation...
I am still employed and still feeling horrible about the whole letter thing.. Ruth is still here too.. thank goodness.. I am not sure how long Mr. Redmond will wait before he speaks with her.. or me for that matter.. I am 98% sure he has already made his choice.. but there still is that 2% chance he could change his mind..
A bright spot in this whole thing... well possible bright spot.. is that I did get a call about another job. I had put in my resume to a local company about a month ago.. had a wonderful 2 hour interview and never got a call back . .. So when this whole thing at work came up I called and left a message... The owner called back yesterday and asked me back in for a second interview... Downside is that it is not for the purchasing position I applied for.. it's for sales... complete opposite end of the spectrum .. I am pretty sure I could handle the job but I love purchasing.. and I love management even more... another downside is that the reason I didn't get the purchasing position is that they decided not to hire for that position until possibly first quarter because things are slow.. that is a little scary.

The positives are that taking it will mean Ruth can keep her job.. I will be five minutes from home... It will be a much needed change of pace.. more money and the workload will be much less... ok so I don't know if the whole less work thing is a positive or not.. I like things fast paced... I like getting things done and I work extremely well under pressure... so I could easily get bored... but who knows .. I could absolutely love it.. I am pretty adaptable.
Well before I get ahead of myself I will have to go for this second interview and see if they actually want to hire me.

Ahh and now the personal stuff..
Jack... why are men so difficult.. I hate games.. and we are still playing this.."you tell me what to do and I'll do it" game... I haven't called him in a week( I have text him to let him know I was thinking of him) .. I told him I was tired of feeling like I was forcing myself and Joaquin on him.. and that if I had to order him to come visit .. or call... well that it just seemed like we are a burden in his life... and I refuse to be that... so anyway.. we are at a standstill.. he hasn't called either.. and he didn't visit this week because I didn't tell him to.. sounds like an excuse if you ask me..
I guess the problem with the whole game thing is that he is better at it than I am... much better at it.. I try to be as open as I can.. tell him what I want.. He just doesn't get it..
Do men and women speak different languages? What is it that I am saying or doing wrong.. why am I not getting through to this man?
I mean.. I don't doubt he loves me .. He has shown that he does.. it's just this odd, frustrating.. manipulative .. irritating .. gods I want to scream.. type of love..
I don't have much relationship experience.. I was with one man since I was 16.. until he passed away almost 5 years ago he was all I knew.. so I don't know if it is just that I don't know how to do this... or if Jack is just an idiot!
He has everything he says he ever wanted sitting in front of him.. and he is just letting it slip through his fingers.. I don't get it.. or maybe it is not him .. maybe it's me.. either way... I really wish we could put the game away and be happy