Sprinkles on the Frosting

2011-08-14T10:03:00.000-04:00

It's Sunday morning and my little ones are running around with the dog ... I am enjoying my coffee and contemplating a few things. Clay for one.. We have been dating over a year and he still hasn't met the kids. I suppose thats ok ..but I wonder where we will be in another year. Will we ever progress past seeing each other once a week...and if so.. is that enough? Right now I suppose it is..I miss him terribly when I am not with him but it is manageable. I did mention to him again that we should get together just to introduce him... but he got quiet. He is going through a lot right now so I really don't want to push the issue too much. We have sort of become comfortable with how things are right now...but I think I may want more, someone to come home to at night, to share my life with. I want him to be that person.. but I don't know if that will ever happen. It makes me a little sad to think he will never be ready for that but I am not ready to give up on it just yet. He makes me happy. He has all the qualities I need in a man... He is strong, thoughtful, caring and we share some of the same values. Could this be love? Could I be lucky enough to find this twice in one life?
A girl can hope:)

Beautiful...

2011-07-29T02:20:00.001-04:00

"There's a story behind every person. There's a reason why they're the way they are. They aren't like that because they want to be. Something in the past created them, and sometimes it's impossible to fix them."

2011-06-05T10:06:00.000-04:00

Be careful whose gaze you meet.. eyes speak more truth than the lips ever could....

So far...

2011-05-31T22:42:00.000-04:00

Sitting outside with two of my four beautiful children... There is a slight breeze and I can smell the Gardenias in bloom. It is a perfect day to reflect on everything that has happened since my last post.

Work has been great... I have moved into the engineering department, which really is where QA belongs anyway. I really like my job... I have a few personal issues with people, but they small and don't affect my work or love of what I do.
My personal life has calmed a bit, mostly out of necessity. Jack is still trying to get me back and as resorted to not seeing his son... He says that he wants a family and that it is my fault he doesn't see him because I don't want the same thing. I am happy and ,looking back, not quite sure what I saw in him.. other than the fact that he was the complete opposite of my late husband... I felt like finding the same qualities would do his memory and the new relatiopurr5nship a disservice. ... that I was replacing him... Anyway.. I do not regret the relationship.. I have my beautiful boy .. and that is worth any amount of aggravation that I might be going through. My only source of sadness and anger at this point is that my son.. our son is paying for the fact that we aren't together.
I was at the point of tears last night... It wasn't the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last... As we sat trying to find the last three pieces to Joaquins favorite dinosaur puzzle he says out of nowhere .. "Mommy where's my daddy? I love my daddy... Mommy, my daddy is working.... " I say "yes baby, daddy is working and he loves you too" ... The whole focus became building his puzzle for his daddy.. and how much his daddy was going to love it.... My sweet little boy just want's what all children want... for his daddy to be proud..
So I tell him that I know his daddy will love it... how much he loves and misses him..all while holding back tears and wishing it were all true
Fact is.. I keep asking his father to see him and he keeps making excuses at the same time he is professing to miss him...
His newest tactic is to ask for a paternity test ..He bought one at the local pharmacy and sent it to me.. well half of it, told me I should send back the sample and that he would send it into the lab... When I asked that he either send the complete test to me to send in or have one done at a reputable lab where we all go in, he protested. I am not a complete idiot .. I mean really.. how hard would it be for him to swab the inside of someone else's mouth and have "proof" that our son was not biologically his? Well long story short.. it pushed me to file for child support, which I should have done a long time ago... again my hope that somehow we could have a civil relationship for our son won over common sense and the advice of friends.... He will get his "peace of mind" from a court ordered DNA test and, I will receive at least financial support for our child.

On a brighter note.. I have met someone.. I mentioned him in my last post... We have been seeing each other for a while now and he is pretty wonderful. We have a lot in common.. and for the most part he is bot attentive and caring... Ana has been great and watches the little ones once a week so that we can see each other.
I am a bit "gun shy" so I haven't introduced him to the kids yet... Though he has met Eddie and Ana briefly at work... Ahh I neglected to mention that we work together... which has been a little odd but easier than I thought since we both value our privacy and are professional to the point that until we mentioned it to a couple of close people, no one even knew we were dating...
We are getting close and I suppose we will have to decide if we are on the same page as far as our relationship goes.. I think we are.. but we both seem afraid too take that next step... He doesn't have kids.. and he is a bit younger than I am... that coupled with my failed relationship with Jack makes me a bit afraid that I might be wrong about him or that my little ones will get attached to another man only for it to end and they would be hurt again... I would feel horrible ...
I suppose I just have to decide if he is worth the risk... That is difficult when the cost of being wrong is my childrens happiness........

2010-09-20T00:17:00.000-04:00

... I have not quite been able to get Jack to understand that I cannot be with him.. He keeps telling me hes trying.. and that I just need to give him another chance... I have given him chances... over and over again. I don't have anything left to give him.. I had begun to hate him.. and that is no good for Joaquin. I want him to be in his sons life.. He loves his daddy.. but even that seems impossible. His exact words to me were "I'll miss you and Joaquin" .. It seems my fears were correct.. He does not know how(or refuses) to separate our relationship from his relationship with our son.
It has been months since we officially broke up and even longer since I have made it clear that I was not happy and asked that he focus on Joaquin and not us.
I have lost any interest in working things out... I have moved on.... I even began seeing someone.. mostly in hopes that this would make him see that there is no chance. He continues to ask .. continues to try and hold my hand during visits with Joaquin. ..he continues to refer to us as a couple... He has been driving by my house...scaring my children... I am seriously considering a restraining order... The only thing stopping me is that hope I spoke of a couple of years ago... Sadly.. that too is deteriorating.

2010-09-06T18:30:00.000-04:00

Well another day has passed.. I took Joaquin to see his father yesterday.. It has been well over a month since he has seen him. We went to the park... I figured it would be best not to go to his house... I was right.
I went to see my sister last week.. I wish under better circumstances :o( She lost her husband .. I was never close to him but she loved him.... I feel badly for my niece .. She isn't close to my sister... so her dad was who she turned to.. now she feels all alone.
He was a pleasant enough man.. but a severe alcoholic and my sister always felt the need to protect him from himself... She wouldn't let him work... drive.. she barely left him alone for fear he would drink... which he always did.
I can't imagine a life like that.. for either of them. So I am torn between feeling sad that she lost someone she loved.. and comforted by the fact that he is no longer struggling and she no longer has to play warden to a grown man.
Anyway .. I was happy to be able to be there for her.

2010-09-04T21:57:00.000-04:00

It's been a few months .. again...:o) I always mean to post at least weekly.. but life gets in the way sometimes.
So much is happening. I am still enjoying my job, quite a bit. I enjoy the people there. Some purely for entertainment value.. but a select few .. I truly like on a personal level.

Speaking of personal.. *sigh* .. my personal life has changed.. I hope for the better.
I finally left Jack.. I just couldn't do it any more. He has become so unstable .. to the point that I fear for my safety .. as well as my children's. He has hurt himself and threatened to hurt me and my children if I didn't stay with him.
As much as I wanted to try to make it work for Joaquin.. I just can't do it anymore. So.. it's been a couple of months.. and other than his constant calls I feel good.. Free..
I have begun to go out once a week with friends .. It has been great.. and it has helped me to look at my relationship with Jack more clearly.

I hope that he get the help he needs and will move on. Want to be happy.. I want him to be happy.. but most of all I want my children to be happy

Moving on

2010-06-13T08:11:00.000-04:00

So.. another couple of months have passed...Things are still changing.. I am growing ... Learning ...
I didn't realize how stuck I was... I forgot what it felt like to be alive .. to just breath ...
My new job has opened me up to so much. New friends...OK well not exactly friends ...but decent people... who aren't focused on just themselves. I am finding that I have something to offer new relationships ..qualities that make me good at what I was hired for... It's odd because I told myself I had these things.. But I am finding that seeing it happening.. Other people reinforcing it... I never truly believed it... I believed that what I already had was all I could hope for ...

2010-04-25T10:27:00.000-04:00

Well.. It's been a few months.. I have made some changes. I started a new job last month.. I love it!! It feels wonderful to actually enjoy going to work again. The pay is better.. The hours are good.. Overtime is needed.

They seem impressed with my work, which is great... I applied a couple of times.. but for a different position. They called me back because of my experience in another area .. I am pleasantly surprised that I am enjoying the position.... It is a lot of work.. and I am on my feet, running around most of the day... but it feels GREAT .. and the fact that I am finally getting back into pre-Joaquin shape is an added bonus. He is 2 now and well .. it has taken longer than I anticipated to lose those last few baby pounds.
Now that my professional life is in order.. I really need to focus on my personal life.
I don't really know what I want at this point. I love Jack.. well at least I think I do.. But I don't know if that is enough anymore. I hold on.. I guess for Joaquin... He loves his daddy... and Jack has proven that if we aren't together...he will pretty much throw his son away.. It breaks my heart. so I endure the emotional abuse.
I don't get angry with anything he does anymore... I am apathetic to the whole thing ... which makes me sad ... It is a very lonely ,empty feeling.
Every once in a while he does something to make me remember why I fell in love with him.. but those times are becoming less and less ... I am tired of being unhappy .. but again .. my baby boy deserves his father in his life ... and I will not be the cause of that ending. ..
I know better... I know he deserves more than a father that would throw him away so carelessly. He deserves the kind of father that would fight for him until his last breath. But this is what he has .. and I seem hell bent on holding it together... until I cannot hold on anymore.. ever hopeful that something will change .. something will click and make everything right.
Logically .. I know it wont .. but my heart .. well it doesn't know logic...

Cautious ...

2010-01-31T16:44:00.000-05:00

Well... I made it through another week. Same job .. same man .. But my outlook is slowly changing. . I have begun to actively look for a new place to work.. I figure something has to give.. for my sanity and my children's well being . I really don't have an attachment to the job anymore. I used to. There was a time that I couldn't wait to get to work. Now I can't wait to leave and I dread waking up in the morning.
So.. it seems the most obvious choice to relieve some of the unproductive stress.
Now Jack.. well he suggested couples counseling (his mothers suggestion) .. I agreed. Now I will wait and see if it ever happens. He tends to put things off until he is forced to do them. He has issues making decisions and bigger issues with getting anything at all done.. unless someone tells him to. He just sort of exists .. which is a huge part of our problem. I have also made a decision regarding that. I have decided to just let it be... I can't keep fighting no matter how much I really want this to work. This will take some getting used to as I am used to fighting and have major issues with letting go. .. But I will give it a try and hope for the best... We have both done are part to get to this point .. I just hope we can go on from here and begin to grow again.
I love him.. well at least I think I do. I never really understood the word love ... except for the love of my children it has never been an earth shattering emotion for me .. Jack is different in that it runs either hot or cold. There is no middle comfortable range.
.. Anyway.. back to the changes.. I am looking forward to a new job .. Income taxes are due any day and I am going to treat myself to a few new additions to my wardrobe... and possibly some new shoes... I probably don't need the shoes but...I love them... call it an addiction.. vice.. whatever.. I don't indulge in it often .. but I may .. just this once!
Now the kids ... Well Ana and Alli have been spending time together again .. I don't really know what to make of it yet.. It's becoming an annual thing... they break up .. then get back together a month or two later. We will see.
Eddie and Marissa are getting ready for FCAT .. Marissa has started going to a tutor for help in math.. and Eddie is HOPEFULLY studying for his testing.
Joaquin is learning more every minute.. He is amazing! I am considering taking him out of his current day care and placing him in a more structured environment. I don't think they can teach him at the rate I know he is capable of.
.. Well the dog is chasing the children around the house and it is getting quite loud .. so off to make sure everyone is in one piece .. after that ..make a cup of coffee and check on the sauce. Smells delicious BTW!!
I am hoping to write again later ... we will see ..

How did I get here?

2010-01-24T16:44:00.000-05:00

So.. I as I sat reading my posts.. I start to wonder why? Why am I really in a relationship that makes me so unhappy? Why do I still work at a job that I dread going to every day? Why do I sound so negative about almost everything? This is not who I am..This is not the person I want my children to emulate .. I want them to be strong .. confident, self sufficient and happy!
Am I just in a rut? Could this be what depression feels like? I have never been one to make excuses.. Thoughts of a stint on anti depressants and everyone around me walking on eggshells .. wondering if the next thing they say will send me into the local mental health facility.. What a horrible thought! Me? Depressed? In need of an outside influence to make me happy again? I will not allow that .. I can't!
So what to do? Sit back and hope it goes away?
Well that just isn't acceptable.. I have children who need me to be on top of everything all the time. I am their stability ... so.. what to do.. what to do .. Seems like it's time to make some changes ... Start small ... learn to be happy again.. Remember how much I have .....No.. not remember .. focus ... Remember implies I forgot .. and I haven't ... I have 4 of the most incredible children ... I have a roof over my head.. a pretty nice one at that.. I have a job.. wait I hate my job.. but so many people don't even have that.. but it is one of the main sources of my ... hmmm... lets call it a rut! ... It is something that may have to change in the very near future.. if at all possible.
Now the other source of my "rut"will not be so easy .. We are tied together by our little Joaquin ... and as much as logic tells me that Joaquin will probably be better off in the long run ... I still cannot bring myself to do that to either of them ... I will leave that for later .. and hope that somehow we can make it work.. or gather the strength to let go.
So.. back to starting small ... I am going to end everyday noting one thing I am thankful for .. one thing that made the day good ... positive thinking seems to be the remedy prescribed by talk show hosts ..personalities and the like... And I have always prided myself on how I woke up every morning thankful for what I have.. maybe it's time to end the day that way as well ... we will see how it goes .. and if willing ones self to be happy is possible ... then I am up for the challenge.
Bigger changes need to happen.. I know.. and they will.. So I will take a few minutes each day to reflect .. notice every thing I have.. light a few candles ... warm bath.. glass of wine.. something .. anything .. just for me ... no matter how frightening it might be to be alone with my thoughts :P

2010-01-23T14:25:00.002-05:00

Wow! I haven't posted since April... I guess I have just been in a rut... Things between me and Jack have been pretty stagnate... He managed to buy a house ...A pretty nice one actually.. He left one job for another which he already quit. .. He is now living on the $8,000.00 first home buyer credit the Government gave him. .. He still continues to play games.. won't call.. won't come to visit but expects me to visit and call him every day.. I am currently dividing my time between work.. the kids and Jack... difficult but I have adjusted. .. I am however growing tired of the games and wondering if it is worth it... I am at a loss as to which way to turn.. I want him in Joaquin's life .. I want him in my life .. but though his words say he wants the same.. his actions are proving otherwise. I also seem to have issues with letting go .. I was raised to believe that you stay with one person your whole life "till death do us part" .. I did that once.. I lost my older children's father after 18 years together .. Jack was the first and only relationship I have had since his death. .. I am afraid that I am staying in the relationship for idealistic reasons .. not for the reasons one usually stays. He has proven that he has no interest in working on the relationship or in the work and patience it takes to be a father and role model to our son ... I just can't seem to let go ...

Work has been exhausting.. I received the promotion .. without a raise .. and as the workload increases the rewards of working hard have diminished... I dread Mondays now.. I have always loved doing what I do .. I am good at it.. and I enjoy the people I work with ... but it is difficult working for a company who does not care for it's employees .. even more so when you are forced to be a part of it .. being in upper management is not all it's cracked up to be ... I am currently searching for a new job.. one more rewarding and challenging at the same time ...

Now.. for the best part of my life! My children .. They are all wonderful ... Ana is in college and doing great! She is also working and helping out as she always has ... Eddie is being home schooled at this time.. I have given him an ultimatum ,, either bring up his grades or get prepared for his GED so that he can go on to college. He must do something with his life .. Marissa is still the princess of the house ... still throwing tantrums that are ear shattering .. but also very sweet when she chooses to be ... I adore her .. just waiting for the "phase" to be over... Joaquin is my littlest angel .. so smart that his physical abilities haven't caught up to how quickly his brain is progressing... you can almost see him thinking .. We are working on weening him from nursing .. and considering potty training ... that should be TONS of fun as he shows no interest at this point .. I have stated it before ... they are my life .. they keep me happy .. they are the best reason to wake up each morning!

2009-04-21T14:15:00.002-04:00

Well.. It's Tuesday and I am exhausted already! I had a long weekend and I didn't sleep well last night. Jack has been visiting since Thursday and he says he is on vacation for a week. He's "looking for a house to buy" .. How the hell is that going to happen.. the market the way it is.. his credit is worse than mine.. and well he just isn't very motivated. He's staying with his parents now, and they have made it exceptionally comfortable for him. Way too comfortable if you ask me.. but no one asked.. so I will keep my mouth shut.
We have been getting along ok.. I mean.. we arent fighting.. He's still playing his poor me games... tells me that whatever I want he will do.. Problem is.. he does things on his time.. and by then, I have already done them myself. I asked him to get insurance for Joaquin.. he did.. when he 15 months old and I had already gotten insurance.. asked him to get a job.. that took a year.. asked him to get an apartment and stop living in his shop so that the baby would be safe when we came to visit.. he got an apartment.. a year later.. over 100 miles away.. and he kept it for a whole year!. He never invited us to visit... oh wait.. and the best... he bought a ring.. with what I will assume are intentions on asking me to marry him... while he is still in a "domestic partnership" with his ex. If you live in certain counties in Florida.. that is tantamount to a marriage license. .. I asked that he get it dissolved.. he hasn't.. says he promised by the beginning of the year... well .. it's April!
Anyway.. we have been going through the motions of being in a relationship. He comes up.. plays with the baby.. we talk a little.. watch tv together.. and well.. yes are intimate. I do have to say.. if there was something holding us together.. besides our sweet Joaquin.. it would have to be that we are so compatible sexually. That is the one area in our relationship that I have not and cannot imagine complaining about.
So I start wondering if that is all we have?.. Is that all we will ever have? Can we build something from the love of our son and a physical relationship? I mean.. I do love him.. or at least the memory of the man I met 4 years ago. He can be sweet.. funny... loving.. strong... but he can also be the biggest jerk...
Maybe I expect too much..

Poem for my angel.

2009-03-21T19:35:00.003-04:00

I look into his eyes and see everything he needs

I hold him in my arms and know just how things should be

I watch him play and fight back tears

Knowing that he needs you near

To teach him things I do not know

To hold his hand and help him grow

It pains me all the things you've missed

First smile .. first laugh.. first morning kiss

What hurts the most is that you can't see

Exactly what your place could be

2009-01-19T21:17:00.002-05:00

So lets update.
I found a home daycare that I am fairly comfortable with for Joaquin... I was and still am not to comfortable with home daycare.. mainly because there is one person caring for so many children... It has to be quite stressful..That coupled with the fact that Joaquin is just 15 months and cannot tell me if something bad happens just makes me uneasy.. I cannot swing what it will cost to put him in a larger facility and put Marissa in aftercare so she doesn't become a "latchkey" kid.
Anyway I am a bit more at ease knowing that there are two caregivers at any given time at this facility.
I went for a visit last week and Joaquin absolutely loved it... he spent the whole hour there trying to hug the other babies.. he never even noticed when I left the room..

Now the work situation...
I am still employed and still feeling horrible about the whole letter thing.. Ruth is still here too.. thank goodness.. I am not sure how long Mr. Redmond will wait before he speaks with her.. or me for that matter.. I am 98% sure he has already made his choice.. but there still is that 2% chance he could change his mind..
A bright spot in this whole thing... well possible bright spot.. is that I did get a call about another job. I had put in my resume to a local company about a month ago.. had a wonderful 2 hour interview and never got a call back . .. So when this whole thing at work came up I called and left a message... The owner called back yesterday and asked me back in for a second interview... Downside is that it is not for the purchasing position I applied for.. it's for sales... complete opposite end of the spectrum .. I am pretty sure I could handle the job but I love purchasing.. and I love management even more... another downside is that the reason I didn't get the purchasing position is that they decided not to hire for that position until possibly first quarter because things are slow.. that is a little scary.

The positives are that taking it will mean Ruth can keep her job.. I will be five minutes from home... It will be a much needed change of pace.. more money and the workload will be much less... ok so I don't know if the whole less work thing is a positive or not.. I like things fast paced... I like getting things done and I work extremely well under pressure... so I could easily get bored... but who knows .. I could absolutely love it.. I am pretty adaptable.
Well before I get ahead of myself I will have to go for this second interview and see if they actually want to hire me.

Ahh and now the personal stuff..
Jack... why are men so difficult.. I hate games.. and we are still playing this.."you tell me what to do and I'll do it" game... I haven't called him in a week( I have text him to let him know I was thinking of him) .. I told him I was tired of feeling like I was forcing myself and Joaquin on him.. and that if I had to order him to come visit .. or call... well that it just seemed like we are a burden in his life... and I refuse to be that... so anyway.. we are at a standstill.. he hasn't called either.. and he didn't visit this week because I didn't tell him to.. sounds like an excuse if you ask me..
I guess the problem with the whole game thing is that he is better at it than I am... much better at it.. I try to be as open as I can.. tell him what I want.. He just doesn't get it..
Do men and women speak different languages? What is it that I am saying or doing wrong.. why am I not getting through to this man?
I mean.. I don't doubt he loves me .. He has shown that he does.. it's just this odd, frustrating.. manipulative .. irritating .. gods I want to scream.. type of love..
I don't have much relationship experience.. I was with one man since I was 16.. until he passed away almost 5 years ago he was all I knew.. so I don't know if it is just that I don't know how to do this... or if Jack is just an idiot!
He has everything he says he ever wanted sitting in front of him.. and he is just letting it slip through his fingers.. I don't get it.. or maybe it is not him .. maybe it's me.. either way... I really wish we could put the game away and be happy

Self Preservation vs. Conscience

2009-01-19T16:46:00.004-05:00

So.. I gave the letter to the President of the company.. I wanted to take the cowards way out and give it to Tina(She is HR in our company) but she, of course, had already told him that I was writing one up and when I brought it to her she just about pushed me into his office to speak with him.
Tina is like that... I love that woman.. she is rough on the exterior but she genuinely tries her best to help everyone all the time.

Anyway.. it's done and I feel horribly guilty. As I said.. I did not badmouth anyone.. just stated my qualifications for the job.
I mean logically.. I am already doing most of the job ... and I'm good at it... she is paid more than I am.. We really only need one manager. She is planning on leaving before the end of the year..and well with 3 kids to support pretty much by myself.. I really need my job..

My struggle isn't with the logical side.. my struggle is with the ethical.. moral side.. She is my friend.. she doesn't have children to support but she does have a mortgage and bills to pay. She is a bit older than me and she really isn't qualified for the job she has so making the salary she does will not come easy.. and well it just seems like I am stepping on toes to get ahead..

Maybe I am.. But I really do not know what else to do.. I have my resume out there so who knows.. maybe someone will bite and I can avoid the whole situation..

Another thing that I now have to consider is daycare for my Munchkin. My daughter and I alternate work hours so that one of us is home with him.. Mr Redmond made it pretty clear that he was going to choose me but that I will have to work regular 9 to 5 hours.
There was no bending there.

I really hate putting Joaquin in daycare.. I love that he always has someone home with him that loves him.. but I am left with no options.. if I lose this job I will have to put him in daycare anyway once I find a new one.

I made a tough decision that I hated .. I did talk to Tina about my feelings.. and in her firm but reassuring way said..
"Remember when you got the management position I told you not to be afraid to step on some toes and that the time would come when you had to? Well, that time has come."
I guess she's right.. still doesn't feel good.

I'm not sure if I did the right thing.. and well Karma might just bite me in the ass a few years down the road .. but for now.. desperation and self preservation have won over conscience.

Horrible week

2009-01-14T19:44:00.004-05:00

So things are horrible at work.. The president(KR) of the company wants to lay off at least 7 people and I am pretty sure I will have to lay Carol off.
I love my job.. but I really dislike having to be the bearer of bad news. I like Carol.. she's funny, sweet.. a bit of a busy body.. and well, to be honest not the most productive employee here... but she makes the workday interesting.

I also heard through the grapevine that they are thinking of laying off someone in management.. That would be me or Ruth... Knowing this I have decided to write up a letter to KR pointing out all of my strong points... and why I would be the better choice to keep on should it come to that. A resume of sorts.
It bothers me more than a bit to do it because I really like Ruth a lot. She is a great person.. always trying to feed me.. and she adores my little angel.
I feel like I'm "throwing her under the bus" .. you know what I mean? I haven't put her down at all in the letter.. but pointing out why I would be the better choice is well .. not exactly the nicest way to keep a job... or a friend.
I don't fault the company at all for deciding to cut management.. hell I would have done it a year ago... It just makes sense.
Anyway I hope I am doing the right thing..

My personal life is not going much better. I swear I have no idea how to do this whole relationship thing.. I have no clue what Jack wants! Every time I think we are making progress he says something stupid.. or wont talk to me.

This week he is doing this " I'll do whatever you want" thing. It's driving me insane... Now I know in theory it sounds great! Every woman wants a man to cater to her every whim .. right?

Not this way.. He takes it to the most extreme level you can imagine.. I ask if he is busy or can talk on the phone "whatever you wish".. I ask if he would like me to call him back because he is obviously busy or distracted "whatever you want" .. He comes to visit me and Joaquin (his son) but only after I say these exact words "Jack come up and visit".. If I ask him if he would like to visit I get no response..

Today was the worst.. He actually asked me what he was saying wrong and what I wanted him to say..

I know he is trying to manipulate me.. I know better than to play these games.. I can't win them.. he's been doing it for so long he is a pro at it... I even know why he's doing it.. You see he cannot compromise .. it's either his way or my way.. there is no middle ground.. He said to me once.. "you want to make me happy? Shut up and do what I say".. I think there might have been an expletive in there somewhere.. but you get the point.. I was speechless.. but found just enough voice to let out a laugh before hanging up the phone.. Only problem is I picked up the phone when he called back later that night.. and I keep picking up the phone.

So again... why do I stay.. Still trying to figure that one out... if anyone has an idea.. I'm all ears.. or.. umm.. eyes ;)
Stressful week.. and it's only Wednesday!

The eyes of a child

2009-01-12T09:15:00.001-05:00

Looking into the bottom of the second bag of popcorn I have burned today.. feeling a little sick and remembering my mothers words... "there are people in third world countries starving and you are not going to waste that" The first bag was just too far gone to eat..Ohh the guilt (sorry mom)!
It amazes me that those words stuck so deeply that it would affect my day to day life, even nearing 40.
It got me thinking... I wonder if we as parents take into consideration the impact our words and actions have on our children.
Most parents are appauled when we see the news and hear of a parent abusing their child. We cringe when we here them call them names.. or tell them to shut up. But do we really take into consideration that everything they see impacts them later in life?
Mom gets slapped by dad.. she makes an excuse.. "he didn't mean it".
Dad comes home late from work smelling like perfume and alcohol. Mom is crying .. nothing is said but they know.

They always know.. maybe not the details, but they know something is not right, and we are supposed to be able to fix it.

I still remember getting ready to tell my then 10 year old son that his dad wasn't coming home from the hospital... but before I ever uttered a word I looked down at his usually smiling, big brown eyes and knew that he already knew.. they were pleading with me.. no.. screaming at me to fix it .. but I couldn't.. I sat there helpless... speechless..

I guess my point is ... in our childrens eyes we are everything.. their world starts and ends with us.. It is our obligation to teach them through who we are. Because eventually and inevitably it will either be who they are or who they hate.. but it will stay with them for a lifetime.

Misfits

2008-12-04T09:52:00.001-05:00

It's been a few days since I've been able to actually sit down and think.. let alone write anything. I'm sitting at work again .. Things are so slow right now that I thought I might take a few minutes to write.. or.. err type. But what to type? The economy? Politics? Health care? Bah! all so depressing. So instead, I will try to explain the incredibly odd, hmm... no, quirky place where I work..

First some background... My husband of 18 years passed away May 2nd 2004. Before that time I had been a stay at home mom. We had decided early in our relationship that children needed stability and as long as we could afford it one of us would stay home. It worked beautifully. Then.. the unthinkable happened. It was sudden and so unexpected that it all still seems like a dream.. or like looking through the window of someone else s life. Soon after the initial shock, with no time to grieve I thought "what now"? How was I to support 3 kids on my own with almost no work experience? My oldest was 15 and I hadn't worked in as many years. I panicked! I placed as many applications as I could, and contemplated a possible bar tending or waitress job to help make ends meet.

Then my sister in law called and said they might be hiring in their shipping department and she would try to get me an appointment to apply and interview. I was relieved, thankful and scared out of my mind. I began in shipping and worked my way up to Purchasing Manager at an unusual place place that I have often compared to "the land of misfit toys" .

The first two people that made an impression on me were Carol and Julie.
Carol came down to introduce herself. A pleasant woman with a thick New York accent. She gave me a heads up on the people I would be working with, taking extra care to tell me about 2 people in particular; George and RD.
George, she said, looked scary but was a really nice guy, and RD was a strange man with a fetish for teddy bears (I will explain shortly).
I didn't really get introduced to Julie... but she did make an impression on me, and it wasn't a good one. She came downstairs after being asked to help with that weeks shipments. She was an extremely large woman who was noticeably unhappy with being asked to do this task. Interestingly enough(or not) she also had a New york accent. I must admit I was a bit intimidated by her. I am quite happy that I didn't let first impressions deter me from getting to know her. She turned out to be an incredible person and a good friend. She passed away earlier this year, leaving two young boys behind. She will be missed.

OK Now on to RD and his bears.. RD is in his early 60s and well lets just say he is an interesting Character. When I allow my mind to wonder what his home life is like, all I can seem to picture is Buffalo Bill from "Silence of the Lambs". I am not quite sure why as he really isn't a scary man. Creepy yes but not scary. Well as I said earlier, he has a bear fetish. Yes I said Bear!
He owns over 200 of them all male and all naked. He doesn't just collect bears, which might seem a little quirky, he talks to them. He has been seen on more than one occasion kissing fondling and having discussions with whichever bear he chooses to have accompany him to work on a given day. .. I remember Carol telling me that he liked me and then warning me "Don't let him take your picture!". Well apparently RD has developed an infatuation with a few women who have worked here... and apparently he has taken their picture and they sit on his nightstand (I wonder if he talks to them). I don't really know what to make of him. He is attracted to women but, at the same time, has a unnatural infatuation with stuffed bears. I am sure I will write more about him in the future.. but for now.. lets move on to George.

As I said earlier I was warned not to be frightened by his appearance.. which again had the opposite effect.. anyway...
I met him and really could not understand all the warnings. He wasn't disfigured in any way ...
Ok so he was a bit different. .. He is covered in tattoos from the top of his head to his feet.. and he had at that time I believe acquired 69 piercings .. quite a few of which were in his face. But he was an extremely friendly man, very polite and generous to a fault ... I say was.. because well.. we will delve into that a bit later.. for now lets just say I am not his favorite person.
He lives in what he calls a tool shed.. which is actually a remodeled barn. He is a severe alcoholic who is oddly one of the most health concience people I know... Jogs every day.. watches what he eats.. but carries a bag with at least 5 beers when visiting anyone. ..

So That was Julie, Carol, RD and George... there are more interesting people that work here... I am sure I will mention them on more than one occasion...... but this post could go on for days.. and well I really do need to get back to the real world.

Have and have not

2008-11-26T10:10:00.005-05:00

I woke up about 1 AM. No idea why ... just couldn't sleep. I contemplated going into work but thought the baby might wake up before his usual 7 AM alone and scared. That and I am sure Ana would not appreciate the rude awakening of a screaming baby at 3 AM without prior notice.
So I sat in bed trying to will myself to sleep, which of course has just the opposite effect, and I started thinking.
So many people are unhappy with the life they are living. We are always complaining about bills ... spouses .. how our kids won't listen, how we hate our jobs. I sat there staring at the ceiling, thinking how lucky I really am. I have overcome so much in the past few years .. I lost my husband ... my house.. my car .. But I have so much now.. I cannot replace my husband.. and well jack can't seem to live up to his memory.. but I do have him and he loves me. I have a new car with cheaper payments .. and although I am renting now, I have a new, bigger house. I have 4 kids that love me, and that I love with every fiber of my being. I know every parent loves their children but I think sometimes we forget to enjoy them. They bring me so much joy. They are funny, sweet, silly, and thoughtful. I like my life ... I have bad days .. we all do. But if I could do it all over again I wouldn't change it...
So many people have less than I do. Less than you do. I mean think about it ... here we sit in front of a computer reading about someone elses day to day life. There are so many people out there who don't have that luxury.
I just think so many of us forget to appreciate what we have. We get caught up in wanting more when so many have less ...
I started thinking of little ways to help, and this is what I came up with:
I normally don't use cash to buy anything .. I bring my ATM card .. so I never really get the chance to donate change to the charities that stand outside the stores during the holidays. So I vowed to always have at least 1 dollar with me.
My power company has an option to donate to help people less fortunate with their utility bills... so I donated a dollar.
So many stores and banks are collecting food and toys for families during the holidays.. so I think this year I will stop at an off price store and pick up a toy.. and maybe a box or can of something at the grocery store. ..
I also started a change jar that the kids can donate to and next year we will go shopping for Toys for Tots.. and a couple of food drives.
Now, I have 4 children and I don't make a great deal of money... The holidays will be really tight for me.. but think about it .. every thing I just listed will come to at most $10.00 .. even if each of us more fortunate gave half that.. someone would be better off...
I know some of you are thinking... "most of what is given doesn't even get to those who need it". Well you are probably right. But.. what about the portion that does??? It could mean a Christmas dinner for someone hungry ... or save a mom from having to explain why Santa didn't come this year..

Anyway.. I'm going to climb off of my soapbox and go snuggle up with my little munchkin .. But I would love to hear some comments and or ideas of how you have helped.. or how we can :o)

Probably...

2008-11-24T16:46:00.005-05:00

Ever really love someone but know deep in your heart that no matter how much you love each other it will probably never work? Even typing that question I could not stop myself from leaving just a little room for hope.. "probably?" Hell I know it can't work.. He is everything I have taught my daughters to stay away from...and am trying to raise my sons not to be. Egotistical, stubborn, chauvinistic, immature, emotionally abusive.. ahh I could go on but it's too depressing. So why? Why am I so afraid to lose him? Why does it bother me so much when I don't hear from him? I try hard to convince myself and everyone around me that it is for Joaquin. He deserves a father.. he deserves a family. His sisters and brother had a father that loved them beyond words. ..

(.. hmm lets pause to explain.... My husband of 18 years passed away a few years ago.... I met Jack... and unexpectedly .. my little Joaquin was conceived.)

As much as I try to convince myself that is the reason.. it really is only part of it.. Joaquin does deserve to have those things.. but even that has been a struggle.. and my fear is that he will eventually be the one hurt...
I know better.. intellectually I know I can raise him myself .. I know that he is probably better off without the constant battles between us.. and that the occasional visit would be, though not ideal, acceptable. .. So why? I like to believe I am an intelligent woman. I have a job, and except for the occasional child support check I support my children by myself.. . The only thing I can think of is that "probably".. What if he can change? ... What if he one day wakes up and realizes what he has all laid out in front of him? It will probably never happen.. but what if?

In his defense, I am not the easiest person to get along with.. and I have very high standards when it comes to raising my children. Even there we differ... he sees children as less than human .. workers... beings to be seen and not heard... I raised them to be confidant,outspoken and opinionated .. to let it be known if they felt wronged in any way.
I believe he sees them almost as rivals.. they are extremely protective of me .. and although they try to be civil(Save for my Anastasia who makes no secret that she dislikes him) I can't help but feel they are just waiting for him to do that one thing that pushes me over the edge and him out of our lives.
I guess that I am waiting for the same thing to some extent.. that one thing that I just cannot tolerate .. or get past no matter how badly I want it to work .. that one thing that erases the "what if" and leaves no room for "probably"

God and Guns

2008-11-16T08:35:00.005-05:00

It's Sunday morning and the weather went from 85 degrees yesterday down to about 70 today! Marissa is in the living room playing Guitar Hero while Munchkin is dancing and eating a banana, which he will only eat with the peel on.. Anyway I am taking the few minutes of quiet I will get today to read e-mail pay some bills and check my much neglected Myspace. So I come across these "Bumper stickers" ; small graphics with unusual, cute, funny , and sometimes depressing sayings....I browsed a few pages of them stopped dead when I saw one in particular... It scared the crap out of me..
I am not sure why it scared me.. Maybe imagining what type of person would have this mindset. Then I thought Lora! My older sister is a staunch republican and could not stand the thought of Obama getting into office. She was happy with Bush so why make waves. Now I must say I do not know her stand on guns but somehow I could just see her smiling while reading this. And then I came across THIS....
Now that is scary .. Obama the Antichrist???? Now I like to think I am pretty open to other peoples views but the thought of gun toting fanatics thinking Obama is the Antichrist wow.. this is just too much! And just what makes people believe he's the Antichrist? Is the fact that America voted in a black man that hard to digest? Is it the fact that he wants to change the mess that the republicans created?
From the looks of things he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. If things get better.. well the bible said it would ( at least for 7 years)...and if they don't then he is just another power hungry politician who duped us into thinking he wanted change. I suppose if there were to be a bright spot in all of this.. it will be that we will have 7 years of economic growth and world peace! Which is more than what we had with Bush...
Hmm well this just makes me more curious about the whole mindset of these people .. I think I will call Lora ..

2008-11-14T09:25:00.002-05:00

Sitting here pretending to work... today was stressful...well all week has been stressful! Hours cut..no jobs ...trying to figure out a way to afford day care for munchkin so that Ana can stop working nights to watch him. Still waiting for Jack to pay child support for him on a regular basis as he promised. Still hoping he will do what is right and prove everyone wrong. Well.. either that or I am just a glutton for punishment. More than a few would think the latter.
I will delve more into my relationship with Jack a little later. Time to get out of here in time for Marissa to get off the bus!

Intro

2008-11-13T09:30:00.000-05:00

So now begins my journey into blogging. Sharing my life, including the thoughts I would normally keep locked in my head.
Lets get started, shall we?
I am a single/widowed (sort of) mother of 4 children ranging in age from 1 to 20. Long span I know! I sometimes feel like I will never NOT have a little one clinging to my hip! But as I said, I wouldn't change it for the world. They are not the most well behaved polite thoughtful kids in the world but they do keep me entertained and I love them with every fiber of my being.
It is an extremely rare day where I actually utter the words "I'm Bored" and on that rare occasion it was probably someones thoughtful idea to give me a break from them.
They are the center of my world.. so it's only fitting that I introduce them.. First there is my Ana (Anastasia) She is 20 years old, slightly introverted, extremely anti-social and has been in a relationship with a wonderful young woman named Allison for a bit over three years. She is my rock, my angel in more ways than I think she even knows.
Next there is Eddie. He is my little man, though he is not so little anymore( He's 14). A sometimes difficult child. Strong willed, funny, sweet and I suppose as all 14 year old boys are, somewhat lazy. He dislikes school and although he is very bright has been doing so poorly I have been contemplating homeschooling him. He makes a point to make certain I smile every day.
Now on to my little Princess Marissa. She is 8 years old and very much a princess. She is a tiny little thing that everyone tries to feed because they swear she can't possibly be eating enough. She loves animals, writing, and of course being the center of attention. Sweet as can be.. still wants to be my baby girl though she sometimes acts like she is 30. If things don't go her way.. watch out! All that said.. I cannot neglect to mention that she is very much like me.. so much so that people have been known to call her my "Mini Me".
Last but most definitely not least is my munchkin.. Joaquin (J.J.)is 13 months..loves to make you laugh... sweet as sugar .. and learning that kisses make people smile.. and they sometimes get you cookies. He was a surprise to all of us. I really didn't think I would have any more children since my husband passed away. But here he is making my life and just about everyone else he meets lives just a little bit brighter.

Now that you have been properly introduced to the center of my world.. lets explore the rest...
Follow me. ...