St. Facetious Is My Co-Pilot

I wrote a thing! Go read a thing!

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Mon, 02 Jan 2017 01:49:00 +0000

The Comeback: A Novella of the Strange is now available for Kindle and Kindle apps. Download it now!

Shakey Silvers came back from the dead. He brought his bucket list.

Doug Kennedy is a stand-up comic struggling with his career, with his girlfriend, with the bottle. Desperate for money, he takes a gig at a remote casino located in “the exact-middle-of-nowhere,” Nevada. Doug thought that his act dying on stage was the worst he’d have to fear in the desert. He was dead wrong.

Doug was in for a hell of a ride.

Filled with eccentric characters, twists, turns, and horrific situations, The Comeback is a fast-paced descent into nightmare that won’t let you sleep.

Please Stand By

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Sun, 01 Jun 2014 19:16:00 +0000

Hey-o!

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 22:14:00 +0000

I want to party with this guy!

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 20:42:00 +0000

Who Likes Heroin?

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Mon, 15 Oct 2012 15:36:00 +0000

"Book 'im, Danno. T.M.I."

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Mon, 08 Oct 2012 14:36:00 +0000

Great Moments in Facebook Timing: Unipuncture

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Sun, 07 Oct 2012 13:44:00 +0000

Classic Gold Into Cash: The Assange Gambit

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Thu, 16 Aug 2012 05:36:00 +0000

SURREPTITIOUSLY DECLASSIFIED THEATRE PRESENTS:

FELIX LEITER OF THE CIA IN: THE ASSANGE GAMBIT

Felix Leiter: Well, let’s see what the boys in the lab have cooked up for this Assange fellow. He's been quite an annoyance with his leaking and all.

Undisclosed CIA Operative: Felix, how DO you stay so young... and sometimes black?

Leiter: I’m afraid that’s classified. HAHAHAHA!

UCIAOP: HAHAHA! Oh, you.

Leiter: Here come the boys from the lab.

Boy from the lab, (who is actually around 53): Leiter I have to say that this is our best exploding cigar yet.

Leiter: Exploding cigar? Didn’t that fail horribly? Something about Cuban bacon?

Everyone stares at the small box in the hand of the lab "boy".

Leiter: And why doesn’t that thing look like a cigar? Looks like a pack of damned rubbers.

Other boy from the lab, (who turned 50 the previous Thursday): This particular exploding cigar is in Mr. Assange’s pants, *snicker*. Let me introduce the self-breaking condom. The tip will be destroyed instantly upon contact with semen.

Leiter: I get it ... wait ... I don’t get it.

UCIAOP: We have two women who are willing to have sex with Assange.

Leiter: Seriously?

Crickets Chirp.

UCIAOP: They’re Swedish.

Leiter: AH. Gotcha. So the condom leaks and he’s forced to marry one of them and get out of this whole leaking business? Seems a bit complicated. I mean, which one does he marry? Both of them?

UCIAOP: It's genius, really. Wish I'd had one of these during my old Skull and Bones days to put one over on the boys. You see, we replace his regular condom with our little friend here, the Swedes move in, his penis leaks inside of them and he’s so revved up from the orgasm that he doesn’t realize it’s broken. The girls scream ‘Sex by Surprise’...

Leiter: They scream what now?

UCIAOP: It’s a Swedish thing. I’m not really sure myself. Apparently you can’t pass a woman a fish on Thursday in Sweden without being accused of rape.

Leiter: Ah. Gotcha.

UCIAOP: It’s in the World Fact Book. Look it up.

Leiter: Yeah. Sweden. Go on.

UCIAOP: So everyone thinks he’s a douche, the Swedes get him and give him to us. We throw him in a deep, dark justice hole and scare the boogers out of his cohorts. What do you think?

Crickets Chirp.

Leiter: Are we out of poison or something?

UCIAOP: You don’t like it?

Leiter: We can't just kill him?

Crickets chirp.

Leiter: Oh, whatever. I’m just longing for the old days. It’s a go. Just make sure it’s classified. HAHAHAHA!

UCIAOP: HAHAHA! Oh, you.

Luncheon at Tiffany's

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Mon, 13 Aug 2012 19:24:00 +0000

For that "small-town Southern girl turned Manhattan trickster" in every child! It's the Breakfast at Tiffany's Lunch Box! Matching cigarette holder not included.

More than a just a lunch box, it's a way of life and a great way for your kids to carry a backup "little black number" Givenchy dress! And why not fill it with a tasty pet rat or some of those "Big Fat Hissey Fit" candies (pictured)? They're urban vermin and female hysteria in a yummy gummy form that will go down smoothly with with a shot of I.Y. Yunioshi's Sake for Kids! Matching extra-thick sake glasses not included.

The essential vitamins and hormones in milk are maturing your children faster by the minute! Shouldn't you be preparing them for a fanciful adolescence as a big city mob mule?

Available at Powell's Sweet Shoppe locations throughout California!

Ripped From Today's Headlines!!!

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Sat, 11 Aug 2012 15:58:00 +0000

O Brave New World

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Sat, 11 Aug 2012 01:27:00 +0000

Today my wife's phone rang my phone from my own pocket: a pocket-to-pocket butt call.

Putting My Seat Back Forward

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Thu, 09 Aug 2012 06:19:00 +0000

The in-flight magazine. It is located in the seat-back-pocket-in-front-of-you. It's the magazine that isn't Sky Mall. No, not the folded card with cartoons of people on fire. The magazine. It's where the list of approved electronic devices and the beverage list live. Got it now? Great. Let's move on.

For those of you afraid to fly, the in-flight magazine is made up of general interest puff pieces, beautifully photographed Everytown U.S.A. Chamber of Commerce pitches, and celebrity ego maintenance fare sandwiched between ads for hotels, casinos, hotels and casinos, casinos inside of hotels, steakhouses, lobster houses, Don Shula's surf and turf franchises, orthopedic surgeons, all-weather floor mats, reverse aging miracles, and gold into cash. It's crosswords and sudoku and the Mensa quiz. While it's true that you can't please everyone, the in-flight magazine gives pleasing everyone a rousing go each month by combining a wide range of wholesome content with an editorial flair that makes Reader's Digest read like Mother Jones.

I make it a point to at least flip through each new issue I encounter because even puff can teach us something about ourselves. For example, that the U.S. has more Churrascarias than Brazil speaks to our enduring national love affair with gout.

Loud Talker Theater Presents: The Screenplay

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 17:09:00 +0000

Two AARP members meet at a coffee shop in San Francisco:

"So Johnny's got the goddamned screenplay. He's gonna get it to fuckin' Willie Brown."

"What's Willie Brown gonna do with it?"

"He's a goddamned major character in the screenplay. He's gonna be an agent for it. I hope so anyway."

"You think?"

"Look, in his autobiography he talked for pages about his little part in Godfather III. Coppola made him a corrupt politician. He's a major character in the screenplay. He's a fucking egomaniac, Willie Brown. His goddamned ego is gonna make him want to be the fucking agent for it."

"That Godfather III...that was a shoot-'em-up. Everybody died."

Your Kidding

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Tue, 07 Aug 2012 06:50:00 +0000

At LAST! MY INVITED! Is there a AAA discount on proofreaders?

Aieee!

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 20:10:00 +0000

You Have My Attention, Envelope

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 17:33:00 +0000

The Low, Low Price of Fame

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Sun, 05 Aug 2012 17:25:00 +0000

If You Have To Ask, You CAN Afford It.

You know, I always wondered where old Hollywood Squares guests went when they retired.

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 07:39:00 +0000

As Santorum slinks back to his Sanctum Sanctorum search engines seethe with slippery spew. Also, Ron Paul's an ass.

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 05:52:00 +0000

Happy New Year Over Der!

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 07:19:00 +0000

Share this 100 times and I'll give an angel his wings and a free heart transplant. No, seriously.

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 04:44:00 +0000

I get my socks from the future. [Edit] My socks are ready!

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 20:17:00 +0000

999 isn't a tax plan it's a pizza deal. [edit] I wasn't the first guy to state the obvious. I wasn't the last. That joke comes with breadsticks if you have the coupon.

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 06:48:00 +0000

I predict that the "Nooooooooooooooooo" Vader figure will be the sweetest figure ever. Nooooooooooooooooo I don't.

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 06:46:00 +0000

Do I need a shotgun or a chainsaw to end the zombie meme?

noreply@blogger.com (Larry McCarley) — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 05:37:00 +0000

Why wasn't it George Lucas? Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!