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“Redundancy could not have worked out better for me, my new job means I get to drive away every day. Now I spend less than 8 hours in the crummy shithole once my travelling is taken into account.”

Mr. Hatttttttt had been commenting on the decision by council officials to repair his whole road and not just the bits without cars on. “If I still had to get the train my car would have been tarmacked over and I wouldn’t have got me benefits.”

We asked Mr. Hatttttttttttttttt why he still lived in the town if he felt so good when he left it. “Fucked if I know, it just seemed easier to have a fucking good moan than admit the council were doing a reasonable job for once.”

We asked others for their feelings on staying in the town. “High street? What High street?” said Tilly Brook from Cromwell Road. “I only know how to get to station. I just sleep here.” she added.

Love’s Farm resident Gordon Manchester was equally confused “I honestly hadn’t a clue that this was anything other than a great big dormitory” he said.

Sir John Betjaman was unavailable for comment.

“I’ve finally got my arse into gear and eight quid out of my bank account,” he explained, “and registered stneotscitizen.com.

“This may lead to some temporary downtime as I migrate everything to the new address.”

The Citizen has experienced a leap in popularity recently, with up to 500 visits a week, which is probably due to the fact that the editorial team have been “bang on it” with their reporting.

“There hasn’t exactly been more news,” said the editor, “it’s just that we’ve been better at reporting the small amount that does occur.”

The Citizen’s head of IT suggested that readers update their bookmarks once the transition is complete, so they don’t have to skulk around on a redirection page.

St Neots’ residential roads are well known to have the highest concentration of pot-holes per square metre anywhere in western Europe, and are often patched up with a weak papier mache mixture which disintegrates as soon as it rains.

However, this month Cambridgeshire County Council and the Highways Agency began applying a more permanent fix to roads such as East Street, Cambridge Gardens and King’s Lane. “We thought people would probably appreciate it,” said Highways Agency spokesman Dajve Bedejas, “but all they’ve done is piss and moan about how they couldn’t park outside their front door for a couple of days.”

“It’s disgraceful,” said Cambridge Gardens resident Mimi Mona, 42. “I had to park behind Lidls for the last two days. It was free and there’s CCTV, but it was a good ninety-second walk home and that just ain’t good enough.”

Mona went on to complain that drivers had not been given enough warning about the resurfacing work. “They put a notice in the local paper,” she whinged, “but no fucker reads that do they? And they painted notices on the road itself saying it would be closed – you can’t see that if you’re walking around with your heads in the clouds as I often do, can you?”

Eastside greebos were also annoyed. “If there ain’t potholes and bumps,” said emo-looking teen Ralph Laurel, 15, “there’s nothing for me to hit side-on on my deck [skateboard] and impress the ladies. Or fall off and cry about whilst listening to My Chemical Romance. Either way, I’m shocked.”

Bedejas, who has worked for the Highways Agency for twenty years, said “Honestly, the residents of Eynesbury didn’t complain. People in Luke Street were happy they didn’t have to circumnavigate a six-foot pit every time they wanted to leave the house, and to be honest if the St Neots lot keep banging on at me I’ll put double yellow lines all the way around and THEN they’ll be fucked.”

We gained access to a secret testing facility near Abbotsley, thought to be in Cllr Bob Farms’ mythical Eynesbury Hardwick parish, and managed to take a photo or two.

It is thought that the contraption, which is essentially an enormous household dustbin, will be used by the Council to process unrecyclable waste – including that which they cannot be bothered to recycle – to avoid sending it to a traditional landfill and thereby receive increased Government and EU subsidies.

“Brilliant ruse,” mused former town council leader Derek Miles of Eaton Ford. “Instead of sending everything to a big pile of garbage it’ll be stored in these three-storey bins, in a warehouse, and it’ll just look like it is ‘awaiting processing’. Genius!”

The height of the bin seems to be roughly that of the upper level of the new Cromwell Road tip, currently under construction. This would allow residents to empty all manner of crap from the back of their car directly into the receptacle, where it is thought that the rufuse will be compacted by “some geezer jumping on it”.

It is understood that when each bin is filled, it will be sealed and left out the back of Tesco, where local chavs will hopefully set fire to it, allowing for incinceration without all the associated paperwork. “I think it’s a bit daft to be honest,” said Weston Court resident Nora Thampton, 32. “If the council want to burn rubbish without a license why don’t they just say that someone dropped a fag-end in the new tip or something?”

Rumours also surfaced that HDC plans to construct a wheeled version of the monstrous trash can, and provide one to every household – making fortnightly bin collections a thing of the past. An unnamed contact at Pathfinder House said “usually when people talk about abolishing bi-weekly collections, they think we’ll go back to picking up their unwanted waste every seven days. With these new bins, every seven months is a more realistic timescale.”

The council had no official comment.

The traditional carnival, which in 2008 was replaced by the rather shit money-losing August Festival, is making a comeback this year with all the floats and amusements associated with the alledgedly unpopular event in previous years.

Local PR agency Beers And Spirits PR, who are behind the organisation of the carnival, said “It really has been very well publicised, and everyone should be aware that the carnival is probably on this weekend. We think.”

Local residents, however, were not sure. “Last year we didn’t know about that Riverside Festival malarkey,” said Honeydon Avenue resident Iannis Russian, 22, “until the fireworks at the end. Seems this year the carnival is in a similar predicament. Everyone reckons it’s been well promoted but I didn’t know about this until you asked me.”

Even when such occurrences are well publicised, St Neotites have a habit of forgetting about it and letting it sneak up on them. “Ooh, is it the end of August already?” whinged Orchard Close man Noel Barclay, 47. “Every year goes quicker and quicker doesn’t it, blimey, whatever next? It’ll be 2009 and I won’t even twig.”

St Neots’ usual apathy dictates that no-one will turn up even if the carnival is indeed going ahead, but when it is axed citing lack of support everyone will be up in arms. “It’s disgusting that they got rid of the carnival,” said lifelong Manor Gardens resident Jane Hammerstein, 62. “The whole town used to turn out, there was a real carnival atmosphere and far fewer stabbings than at Notting Hill.” Asked if she would be attending the event this weekend (if indeed it is this weekend), Hammerstein said “ooh I shouldn’t think so dear, it probably won’t be very good will it. Never was before.”

The Citizen is expanding to bring your more local news, more often, and now there’s pictures and stuff too. In order to keep our promise to deliver all the gossip on local events we need you, dear reader, to join our growing army of loyal unpaid reporters.

Whatever your subject, whatever your style, the Citizen wants submissions from you! Breaking news, in-depth investigations, and even “lifestyle” features are all welcome – as long as it’s true (ahem ahem) and vaguely amusing.

If you want to try your hand and maybe even get famous, register now by clicking here, and get writing! You’ll be emailed a temporary password that lets you log in directly to our back-end (ooer missus, etc.) and we’ll send you all the information you need to get started.

Questions? Feel free to email the editor who will endeavour to answer your queries as quickly as he can be bothered.

© st-neots.co.uk

Not wishing to be associated with the notorious North Cambridge estate, a resident’s group on the new site, sandwiched between Kings Hedges and the A14, managed to lobby the City Council to officially name the new area “Orchard Park”.

Eynesbury Manor is not quite the same, lacking as it does Orchard Park’s planned wealth of facilities, such as shops, schools, bus stops and even a post box or two; and being essentially a glorified housing estate.

Eynesbury Manor is not even the official name for the area, it is in fact just a district of St Neots – and then not until 2011 when the parish boundaries are redrawn. But the developers’ names for areas have a habit of sticking in St Neots, the Parklands area being the most notable example, and Love’s Farm being the most obvious – being built, as it is, on Love’s Farm. “It makes me chuckle a little bit,” said local property company Twiglet Homes marketing manager Ronald Lawrence. “Whenever someone builds a new estate – sorry, development – I come up with a pretty name to help flog it to people who have never visited the town. Some, such as Kingsmead (the Priory Park estate) do not stick, but most such as the Island and Eynesbury Manor do.

“Love’s Farm even looks set to become the official name for St Neots first new proper subdivision, which would be a bigger stroke of genius if I had actually made it up myself.”

But what monikor to slap on the much-maligned municipality, which in the past has been referred to variously as Eynesbury Floodplains and “What, they’re building underwater?” Eynesbury Riviera was mooted months ago by our own reporters, but new arrivals from out of town are adamant that the E-word is not acceptable – despite Eynesbury having been the original town upon which St Neots was founded.

“Well, I thought Eynesbury was a nice word when I bought my house off-plan,” said former Abingdon, Oxon resident Jean Batchworth, 53. “There was the added fun of guessing how to pronounce it – like Eye-ns-bury, Eensrough etc. Then I moved here and realised Eynesbury was looked upon as the ’slightly dirty’ East side of town, and this is sure to drop the value of my townhouse which isn’t in town. Most upsetting.”

Most people questioned thought that a historical link would be appropriate, despite Eynesbury being a corruption of Ernulf’s Burgh, after the 12th century Bishop of Rochester. As we know, locals are wont to ignore this fact, rubbing the Bishop’s name into obscurity earlier this decade by changing the name of the local secondary school to something instantly forgettable.

“How about New Barford?” suggested June Harpendale, 39, formerly of Bolton, Lancs. “Sounds quite nice, and there’s that village nearby eh, Great Barford or Little Barford or summat.”

Town councillors immediately rubbished the idea. Steven van der Whitevandriverman, himself a long-serving Eastside resident, said “this is all bollocks. These people need to accept they have been sold a lie, and Eynesbury is not posh. Un fucking lucky mate, now, re-election yes? Good.”

The Citizen expects that in twenty years’ time, only people under the age of 30 now will remember the estate ever having had a name, especially since by this time it will mostly be sub-aqua anyway.

Local resident pulls a scary "I'm Angry" face

Number one on your hitlist is still the debacle over the St Neots cinema. Despite the fact that cinemas are run by private businesses, not local councils, the general population is still insisting that our represntatives “give us something for a change instead of Huntingdon”.

“Piss take innit,” rambled Eynesbury man Darren Durban, 19, of the Broadwalk. “I can’t drive to Huntingdon to go to see the new Disney, erm, I mean, Tarantino film because I haven’t passed my test, so that to me says a cinema in St Neots would make loads of cash.

“I appreciate councils don’t normally run these sorts of enterprises but maybe they could use profits to offset the frankly ridiculous amounts of council tax my benefits pay each month.”

Also on the Eastside is the hotly-contested issue of what to do with the £70,000 up for grabs in association with slum landlords Luminus.

The Voice Your Choice event, in association with Eynesbury Neighbourhood Management Committee (ENMAC) is asking for suggestions from Eastside residents, so our intrepid reporter A.J. Oke ventured into the badlands to find out, as they say, “wha gwan”.

Taylor Woodrow, 13, from Duck Lane, said that her and her friends “would love mobile charging points at bus stops, so we can play tinny R&B sounds through our rubbish speakers while our boyfriends smash the fuck out of the shelters.” Dave Darko of Andrew Road, meanwhile, thought the £70k would be better spent on “somewhere we can buy cheap WKD an’ that yeah innit bruv.”

Continuing the theme of council cash being used for things it shouldn’t, Jerry and Pauline Meghane, of Sandfields Road, suggested “somewhere we can palm the kids off to would be nice, so we can watch Jeremy Kyle in peace,” while neighbour Kev Stevenson, 19, suggested “more bike racks, as the last one I ‘found’ had a buckled wheel innit.”

Hattie Jackson, 50, of Ream Close said that she couldn’t possibly get involved as she is “from Eynesbury Manor, darling, certainly not Eynesbury,” while finally Emily Banks-Banks, 20, of Eaton Ford chipped in “£70 grand? Is Eynesbury being rebuilt then?”

Finally, the town’s planned super-surgery came under the spotlight again as Malling Health was granted planning permission to use the long-empty Rosebys store, on Moores Walk, as a late-night doctors emporium.

“It’s shite is what it is,” said Toseland resident James Newlyn, 59. “I’ll have to drive into St Neots to see a doctor, I mean really it is too much.”

Also conveniently forgetting that most villages have no doctors anyway, Duloe woman Patricia Benetar, 48, said “if my fucking leg drops off I’m not waiting for an ambulance, my doctor must be local so I can call on him – or her, I suppose there are female doctors nowadays – any time.”

“We feel everyone has missed the point,” said NHS spokesman Phillip Morris Marlboro. “The super surgery is an EXTRA surgery, we aren’t amalgamating all the existing doctors into it. Although if everyone keeps pissing and moaning about it, frankly that might be a good idea.”

Interviews by AJ Oke and Citizen Editor

St Neots residents have a long-standing history of demanding the Council provide them, in favour of our neighbour to the North, with facilities over which they have no control – cinemas and big-name shops for example. “We thought we’d placate the whinging population of St Neots by providing them with this big new tip,” said district Councillor Elaine Lancashire (Lib Dem). “Let’s face it, Huntingdon is a fucking tip anyway and you don’t build a canal on a river do you.”

“This isn’t fair innit,” squawked Oxmoor chav mum Leanne-Lorena Law, 15. “My Kev is gonna have to drive down to Filthy Neots to chuck out all our assorted rubbish now, it just ain’t on, I mean we’ve got six kids to think abaht.”

More professional regular users of the ring-road were cautious about the plans. “I do a lot of gardening,” said Hartford Road resident Gillian Baker, 51, “and the waste doesn’t fit in my green bin, so I take it to the tip. If it’s in St Neots, I think I might just have to bung it in a lay-by or something in the dark. Balls to driving down the A1 I say!”

St Neots residents were indifferent. “I really couldn’t give much less of a shit,” said Eynesbury Manor resident Darren Honsley, 41. “It’s not like either the new or old dumps are walking distance, so if they put the new one in that skaggy hole up the road then it wouldn’t make a great deal of difference.”

“Well this is a typical reaction isn’t it,” interjected Cllr Lancashire. “You all piss and moan about how Huntingdon gets all the good stuff, we give you a warehouse full of rotting trash and you still aren’t happy.”

Lancashire’s St Neots Lib Dem colleague and former town Council leader Derek Miles added, “Bollocks”, while self-thinking Eynesbury councillor Terrence Dougall was said to be excited at the prospect of Huntingdon residents visiting the town. “Once we have a regular influx from Huntingdon, we’ll build a ring-road and pedestrianise the High Street.

“All the shops will shut down, and with any luck people from Huntingdon will feel so at home they’ll stay and spend all their money in the three remaining local businesses. All of which will be pubs.”

Cllr Julia Wayward, notoriously the only councillor who ever speaks anything resembling sense, was unavailable for comment.