St. Palter Catholic Community

Meet Ms. Tara Diddle, Pastoral "Associate"|

2011-05-15T01:00:00.000-07:00

(I, your webmaster, have returned in humble Obedience and have interviewed another member of our staff.

As you know, with the Priest shortage these days (with many overseas and not returning or those who are ministering in the jails and legal system) we sometimes must settle on dedicated women who serve "in locus lacrimabilis" while we try to get more priests to provide real pastoral counsel. I know you will enjoy my interview with Tara as much as I did.)

An interview with Mrs. Tara Diddle

I, your intrepid webmaster, sought out yet again another of our devoted staff members here at St. Palter Catholic Church.

My interview with Tara was scheduled for 12 noon. But she asked me to be there at 11:30 a.m. so that she could spend some time looking over my questions before she actually had to answer them. Unlike many staff members, Tara seems to be very concerned with who says what and when they say it.

At precisely noon, Tara called me into her office saying, "I hope this doesn't take too long as you know that I have important things to do since I am the Pastoral Associate."

I inquired of her what exactly was a Pastoral Associate? Tara's eyes narrowed as she replied, "My job is just as important as any priest, any man, that might sit in this office. Why would you even question me?"

I asked Tara how she got the job as pastoral associate. She leaned back in her chair, nearly bumping the incense and the thirty candles off of her desk. "Well, I was previously at another parish and found that there I was oppressed by the other men on the staff and most of the nuns. When I saw that the position was open here, that is, the other nun was finally let go, err, I mean that she moved out of town for "health reasons," I thought to myself that this would be a great opportunity to expand my influence in the Catholic Church well at least in this diocese anyway. You know how difficult it is for a woman to be a Pastoral Associate with the way that the church views women. Well, actually the way men view women overall."

As she seemed to be on a roll, I thought it was best not to interrupt her as she pontificated on the role of women and men in the church.

"I was just finishing my masters degree, and by the way do you notice the sexism and the word' Masters?' Why couldn't it be ‘Mistress’ degree or perhaps “second-level higher education degree? I mean, really, it's just one more example of why men are the problem."

While she continued talking, she leaned closer to me, leaning over the gap in the floor, which she apparently uses to keep people from actually getting close to her. As she bent over, her eyes narrowed. I could tell I was about to get an education in some important part of the Roman Catholic Church.

"And, Mr. webmaster, I need to know: how come it's always a man as the webmaster? Could we have hired a woman to do your job just as well?"

She leaned back in her chair, crossed her arms and then looked at me with one eyebrow raised.

As she is the Pastoral Associate, I had to assume that this was some type of important Roman Catholic training that would soon teach me more of the dogma of the church.

"And," she continued in an authoritarian voice, "be sure not to mention my divorce in this interview. Sometimes people get the wrong idea. My husband, like most men, just was not worthy of my time anymore. As a matter of fact I find it to be true of most men. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate men. I just find that generally men have only one agenda, and that agenda is to subjugate women to their whims."

I asked her how she found it to be working with Father Ty Rolean, our wonderful Pastor. Shifting back and forth in her chair, which I'm sure was an opportunity for her to pray about her answer, she responded, "Oh yes. Father Ty. Well I'm sure he's a good man and it's encouraging for me to know that his golf scores have improved since I've been here. He gives me a lot of leeway to do whatever I need to do in the church, that is, to get things under control, as long as I don't do anything that's too religious."

I then asked her what her day consisted of. What types of activities did Tara spend her day doing?

"Well my day is filled with maintaining order on the staff. I find myself having to issue edicts oftentimes to some of the younger members of the staff. Thank God we only have a few men on the staff. It makes my job so much easier. As you know, the church has discovered that men are dangerous. And so it's my job to keep track of them. Sometimes I walk into their office and to simply tell them to 'be careful, you never know, just be careful.' I find it important to have people guessing about what their future is in the church it seems to make them more responsive to future orders, commands and instructions."

I told how inspired I was by her service to the staff and especially how well she served the men on the staff. I further explained it was just like having a Florence Nightingale on the staff.

"Well, I can't expect much more than that from you, can I?" she slowly replied.

I continued my interview. My next question was asked her about her home life and her children.

"Yes, I do have a son at home. He's kind of a rocker, if you know what I mean. I'm not able to bring him into the office as others don't understand his lifestyle. It does seem that Father Ty has taken an interest in him. All the more reason for me to leave him at home. But, my son is all boy at 16 years old, and I'm working on fixing that. I've tried to raise him in a gender free home, now that his dad moved out."

At that the interview was over. I thanked Tara for all her service to our Sacred Parish.

As I left the office, Tara ushered me out the door saying, "Be careful, webmaster. Be careful."

Annual Cultural Diversity Mass

2011-05-08T01:00:00.000-07:00

7th Annual Cultural Diversity Mass

The Diocese is sponsoring our annual cultural diversity Mass next month. Mass will be at "Our Lady of the Bemired" Parish in central Phoenix. This is a wonderful opportunity for all northeast Scottsdale residents and their children to experience some cultural diversity. Perhaps if you attend you might even see your gardener at the Mass!

Please advise the office if you are going to attend so that we can help to arrange car pools. If you do drive, be sure to lock your car, take your purse with you into the church and do not leave valuables in view. What a fine chance for the Diocese of Phoenix to gather together to celebrate our diversity. Mass is followed by a fine Mexican dinner made by the abuelas (grandmothers) of OLB parish. Ole!

My Dear Little Sheeps: Sign Code

2011-05-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

(This week, Fr. Ty allows Mr. Wangle to discuss the new parish signage code. Please READ MORE below.)

My Dear Little Sheeps,

This week, I am allowing our facilities manager, Charles Wangle, to discuss our new sign policy at St. Palter Roman Catholic Church. I am also taking this opportunity to advise you of Mr. Wangle’s new title of “facilities manager” instead of “janitor.” I understand from a class I took last week on human resources (my first one!) that titles are even important to lay people.

****
Mr. Wangle advises:

*Please note the use of the word “shall” in many parts of these rules. That way you can know it’s more official.

*You shall use the marquee we have paid for as this is where all parishioners go for information about your events. Most parish leaders end up asking me what the marquees are and where they are located. They are the flat, glass enclosed bulletin boards at the back entrance of the church. Usually the parish Secretary, Ms. Rotic, has the key if she has time to look for it.

*All signs must be approved by the pastor. The exception to this is the boy scout signage. Their signs may be placed anywhere at any time. Fr. Rolean advises that the scouts (boy scouts only) may use the windows of his office if they so desire.

*All signs must actually say something about a parish event or diocesan event or have a picture of the pope, the bishop, the pastor or if none of those pictures are available, a picture of Jesus Christ.

*Signs shall be neat and should use very little color. As you know, signs showing too much creativity or actually being of interest take away from the Holy Mass.

*When you put up a sign, you have to take it down, too. The staff of St. Palter will not be like the maid at your home.

*When you take down your sign, you shall take down the tape that held it there. You shall take the gooey tape leftover off the walls, too.

*Only use masking tape. If you can’t get masking tape, then I shall supply it for you, Although I can’t figure out why you can’t buy your own.

*The words or photos in your signs must be in line with Rome and the teachings of our One True Catholic Faith. For example, signs promoting any type of ecumenical events would not be allowed.

*The pastor can remove any sign he does not like at any time.

****

I’m Father Ty Rolean and I approved this message.

Leading you Onward,

Fr. Ty Rolean, OMFG
Pastor, St. Palter Parish
Phoenix Catholic Church in Scottsdale

My Dear Little Sheeps: We've Got Email

2011-04-24T01:00:00.000-07:00

My dear little sheeps,

Father’s Emailbag can be very full. What a gift it is to be able to communicate with you at the speed of grace! You’ll not that I have used “grace” instead of “light” as a protestant “pastor” might have done.

As I search through the Email, I have to delete the pornographic communications, which takes several minutes per item as I pray for the poor souls shown in these Emails.. I have a hard time even mentioning the porn mail and write this only so that you know how much time I have to spend answering the precious communique’s from parishioners. However, I must remain firm in my commitment to my parishioners, to you my sacred sheeps!

Recently in one such Email, Mrs. Ezerka wrote us and asked:

“Subject: Future Parishioner Moving to Anthem!
Dear Father,
We have bought at house at Anthem and will probably move there around the end of July or early August from Las Vegas. Some of the churches I see listed in the telephone book or newspaper don't sound as though they are authentic Roman Catholic Churches. Can one of your volunteers let me know which Catholic Church in Phoenix is closest to Anthem? I would sincerely appreciate your help.
Thank you.
Pauline Ezerka”

Dear Mrs. Ezkerka,

Father appreciates the time you have taken to search out an AUTHENTIC Catholic church, one like St. Palter. What a kind and thoughtful note you have sent, one that I am sure makes the Lord Jesus Christ proud of you. It’s so easy in this day and age of choice and so-called “independent” thought to not go to a Genuine Catholic Church and thereby endanger your very soul.

I assure you, Mrs. Ezkerka, that the only teachings you will find here at St. Palter Catholic Church are authentic teachings of the Church, teachings which have been passed down, unchanging, from the very lips of Jesus to the Apostles to the Popes to the Bishops to the Priests. We, the Priests, then give it to you, as much as we can. Oh, were it that you could spend all your days taking it from us! Such a delight of truth you would have. But, we know you must tend to your children and raise them to be strong Catholics, preparing them for the life of the Priesthood or to a lesser degree the life of the Sisterhood. Hardly anyone would want their children to be the lesser religious life of the “brother.”

Bless you, Mrs. Ezkerka, for your attempt to find authentic Catholic teaching in the Valley of the Sun. I welcome you with open arms to our Sacred Parish! Please introduce yourself to me at the Holy Mass this weekend.

Leading you Onward,

Fr. Ty Rolean, OMFG
Pastor

New LiveTeens! Program Directives

2011-04-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

(We publish a Press Release that speaks of the new opportunities for our teens to obey the church during our LiveTeens Mass.)

Press Release. For Immediate Release.

Arizona- In “joyful obedience” to the Church, the “LiveTeens” officials say they now must cease the gathering of teenagers around the altar during Mass. Teens, normally pressed up against one another and the presider, must now remain in the pews. After nearly twenty years of teens around the Priests, the practice must cease in order to be in compliance with liturgical and civil law.

The LiveTeens program will also refrain from using the catchy phrase, “The Mass never ends, and you gotta come back!” at the conclusion of the liturgy.
In a recent letter to U.S. bishops, priests and diocesan youth offices, LiveTeens! office staff have asked member parishes to joyfully comply with the directives in an “obeying spirit.”

“We now know that the sanctuary space around the altar is to remain separated from the parishioners or at least now we are supposed to enforce that. We’ve come to understand that the sanctuary space should not be tainted by lay people.” said Kippy Bannister president of LiveTeens International.

“It’s all about the obeying. Mother Church in her Wisdom wants order and uniformity for all her little children. This is part of the new written directives from Rome, ‘On Precluding Maculate Supplication,’ or shortened, the ‘PMS document,’ he said.

A video was sent to all Roman Catholic parishes by the U.S. Committee on Liturgy, “We have just learned that LiveTeens is like a precious gem in the Church’s familial crown. But the family jewels sometimes need to be sacked and sucked up while their owners are told, ‘Don’t touch your jewels until we look more closely at them,’” one priest said on the video.

In the video, the Committee members stated that although LiveTeens jewels are precious, especially those of the young participants, it was more important that the parishes have the PMS in place at all liturgies. The bigger jewels of conformity have now been restored.

Charles Biddable, 19, a seasoned, veteran core member for the last six months at the LiveTeens master church of St. Thames Parish in Mesa, said not gathering the kids around the altar was at first confusing. “Monsignor DC always insisted we make the teens, oops, invite the teens to come around the altar. I mean, he’d just go off the hizzy if there were any of the kids still out in the pews. I am sure he wanted them close to the Sacred Presence out of his love for teenagers.”

Prior to the implementation of the changes at St. Thames, he said core members were “always having to be sure the teens behaved and didn’t talk” during the Eucharistic Prayer. “But it wasn’t all of them, maybe only like 200 or so that had a problem. But up to this time we weren’t allowed to say we ever had a problem ‘cuz then other parishes might not purchase the LT programs.”

“But change is always good,” he added. “So we are just welcoming it.”

Cria Soat, a LiveTeens core member at St. Palter Parish in Arizona, said she heard no complaints from teens when the Scottsdale parish implemented the changes.

“Whatever. The teens have responded for the whole obeying thing,” Soat said. “The change doesn’t affect them really. Some kids liked it because they could text message more freely in the pews during Mass. But for those type of kids we aren’t letting them get Confirmed anyway so it doesn’t matter.”

The LiveTeens board of directors looks forward to more opportunities to obey the Mother Church’s commands.

FAQ: Should I question my Faith in any manner?|

2011-04-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

(Webmaster note: Fr. Rolean answers the question regarding dissent in the Church.)

Recently, our Holy Bishop Thomas, spoke to those lay people who would make up the school boards that direct our Parish Schools. Attempting to teach and direct these lay people, he spoke about the dangers of thinking for oneself, which as you know, my little sheeps, is not something you are qualified to do in matters of faith, religion and family reproduction.

From His lips came these words, “(Textbooks that are Catholic only) matters because we live in an era in the Church, and also in our American culture, where dissent to Church teaching receives lots of publicity and might even be considered ‘keen’ as the teens say today. Books are even written that hail dissent as a great service to the Church. But dissent runs directly contrary to the inner dynamic nature of faith. “

So, as you can tell from the Bishop, asking questions of your faith is a grave error and in Holy obedience, I insist that you never question your Holy Faith. Everything that you would need to know of course comes from your humble Pastor, who gets it directly from Bishop Foisted, who has been getting his from Rome and that, as you know, come directly from the lips of the Apostles, who heard their commands from Our Precious Lord himself.

My Dear Little Sheeps: Abuse and Confession

2011-04-03T02:09:00.000-07:00

(Webmaster note: Fr. Rolean addresses the issue of abuse in the church where no volunteer, who by their nature are suspect, should be alone with a child. He also addresses the much more important subject of Lenten Confession, where our youngest sinners are being introduced to the Confessional and telling their intimate sorrows to a celibate priest. You are to read this update today.)

My dear little sheeps,

Two subjects for you this Lenten week:

As you know the Diocese has released their new and improved update for the Policy on Sexual Abuse. As you know, we are now against sexual abuse. I am now ordering you, as your Pastor, and as someone under the influence of the attorney general to immediately attend a training session within the parish. You will learn there, for example, that sex with children is bad. You will also learn that we have determined there is something called “grooming” and we will no longer let you do that. Other insights that our program will share with you is that as parents, it is bad for you to gossip about other children who are not as good as your children.

Please speak to Gerino to arrange your training session, which will be conducted at convenient times for our staff to lead these. Rest assured, your Holy Priests will be getting their’s at separate time. We of course have different requirements than the laity for how we treat the young innocent ones in our care.

Some highlights of the program:

1. Under no circumstances should a minor be alone with an adult.

2. There should be no extreme self disclosure by any leaders or volunteers. We don’t want the children to know any of you or to be attracted to your personality. We want them to be attracted and part of the group only.

3. There should not be any contact with young people outside of the classes in our parish.

4. An adult should not touch a young person, especially if they are alone with them.

On a different note and subject, many of our children have been prepared for their First Confession and will be celebrating this week. Just to remind our children how the Sacrament works.

Some highlights of Confession:

1. You will enter the confessional, a small room, and you will close the door for privacy so that you can be alone with one of God’s Holy Priests, who has been given the gift of celibacy.

2. You will then fully disclose your personal fears, faults, and sins. Don’t be embarrassed to tell the Priest anything, especially you teens. Rest assured , Father has heard it all before and is happy to hear it all from you again as many times as needed. Don’t hide any sins as God knows if you are not making a “complete confession.”

3. Of course, if you can not make it to one of our regular Confession schedules, I would be happy to have a special one on one session for you, personally scheduled as needed. I am required to do this by Church Law. You are also encouraged to choose one priest as your regular Confessor so that he may develop a personal relationship with you.

4. When you are done telling the Priest all your personal sins, He will put his hands on your head or shoulders for a while as He prays that God will forgive you.

At any rate, my dear sheeps, I hope this week you will heed my words about Abuse and Confession.

Leading you onward,

Fr. Ty Rolean, OMFG
Pastor
...For The Love of Being a Phoenix Catholic in Scottsdale.

Monday Morning "Rapping With The Big RC"

2011-03-28T11:17:00.000-07:00

It's Monday Morning "Rapping with the Big RC" Time!

This Lent! Our Monday morning “coffee and rapping” just might be the “awakening” you've been looking for!!

Join us for an casual and complete approach to enriching your faith. Come watch these thought-provoking filmstrips (10-25 minutes) about every day ideas and problems such as:

*Prayer: Why Fr. Ty Rolean should be at the Top of YOUR prayer list.

*Forgiveness: Why not forgiving The Church is harmful to your Eternal Life. (Hint: it's about infallibility!)

*Love- Why procreation and love are one in the same.

*Self-Image: How The Church tells you what to think of yourself.

*Confession: Why you can't love yourself until Father says so.

*Wealth: How to share it with your parish.

*Loss: How to write your will to benefit back to your favorite Catholic School

*Church: Why we're number one and your "protestant" "friends" need your guidance.

*Etc: Yep, we cover it all.

The Christian messages conveyed in these creative, short films are refreshingly clear, direct and Biblical.

Monday mornings in the school gym following morning assembly.

Come and be inspired by these powerful words in your Scottsdale Catholic Community.

Note: Babysitting provided. We will entertain your children with the entire "Kree Finds the Way" filmstrip series and amusing puppet shows where kids learn about the power of Latin! Register today!

It's First Friday Time!!

2011-03-27T01:03:00.000-07:00

On the first Friday of every month, we ask that parishioners fill our chapel to adore the Sacred Presence.

We, your faithful staff, under the guidance of Fr. Rolean, have arranged this Traditional devotion at a time that is convenient for everyone, 9:00AM on a weekday. So that your staff can vouch for their jobs, please sign in on the bulletin board at the back of the Church then we can prove how many people attend this Holy moment. Our Savior needs you to attend to Him in Holy Prayer! Over the last few months we have seen only the elderly and infirm attending these Precious Times- where are our adults and teens at 900AM on a Friday? Show your Scottsdale Catholic love for the LORD!

Usher(s) ARE NEEDED for all MASSES

2011-03-20T01:56:00.000-07:00

USHERS ARE NEEDED FOR ALL MASSES!

Men! This is an opportunity to serve the Parish on your own time schedule and let your wife know you are going to Mass so she won’t bother you about it any more. Training is provided in important issues such as:

how to join the Knights of Columbus and be in charge of the beer keg key;

Watching Out for the Riff Raff;

learning to be “hospitable” in your “ministry”;

watching the basket to be sure no one takes any money;

how to talk quietly in the back of the church so as to disturb only a few people and the best times during the Holy Mass to step outside and smoke.

If you are interested in helping Father out, please contact our Liturgy “coordinator,” Mrs. Caitiff Flinty, at the parish office.

FAQ: Why are volunteers so important?|

2011-03-13T13:44:00.000-07:00

Father himself answers this burning issue. Immediately read His words below!

FAQ: Why are volunteers so important?

Father responds: “As you know, my little sheeps, a parish our size can not simply expect a staff to do all the work for you. Even with the fact that some staff members may be earning up to $21, 000 per year, (a generous salary reserved for only the most experienced by the way!) it is still up to you to help us keep up the good work that the Pope, Bishop and I need done. Without your constant labor we would of course have to close our doors, and I would hate to not be 'serving' as your Pastor and also have to move away from the fine golf courses in Scottsdale. So, please respond generously to the calls for your 'stewardship' of your time. Oh, and Gerino has advised me that no one has volunteered for our annual fund raising dinner this year. This important ministry needs your help. Please volunteer. Mr. Mo says it only takes about fifteen hours per week."

Meet the Staff: Mrs. Naif Allium, Parish Accountant.

2010-10-27T01:01:00.000-07:00

Mrs. Allium, our parish accountant, can be found at lunch in the parish office knitting away furiously, creating a blanket or coat or mittens for one of her many grandchildren who live throughout the Southwest. We took a moment of her day to interview her for this website.

Naif brings to the accounting department a long history of bill paying in her own home. In a recent interview for the website, Mrs. Allium said, “It’s really been a challenge to learn to handle such big checks here at St. Palter. Why, our youth ministry department can spend over a thousand dollars at a time for a bus or some such nonsense. Those kids should learn to be more frugal. I love counting the beans. Here, have a cookie.”

Sitting with this reporter for the website while she counted pennies into those little cardboard tubes, Naif was asked about the skills it takes to manage a nearly million dollar budget. Naif reflectively responded, “Well, you know, whatever Fr. Rolean wants, I give him. I mean, we have to provide for Father’s recreation. He works so hard, being at the parish almost six hours a day. And, you know, my family had to make do on $18,000 dollars per year, so this budget really isn’t that much different. Would you like a scone? I made them myself.”

Wiping scone crumbs neatly from the table and moving on to the counting of nickels, Naif continued, “It’s such an honor to work so closely with the staff of the Holy St. Palter, especially Father. What kind of experience do I really need anyway? Do you know that I save 7.9 cents per dollar when I do this coin wrapping myself? Those rice bowl collections in Lent can bring in maybe $300 in pennies. It takes a whole day of my time, but we save maybe $20 when I spend my time to do it by hand. Now that’s a lot of counting!”

Naif can be found working away at the checks and balances nearly everyday of the week. In her spare time and sometimes during working hours, she enjoys knitting, baking and keeping track of the lives of the other staff members.

How fortunate we are in our Holy Parish that Father Rolean found this dedicated and well trained servant to handle our accounting,. Be sure to thank him the next time you see him. You're “worth it” Mrs. Allium!

My Dearl Little Sheeps #3: School Children

2010-10-20T01:00:00.000-07:00

My dear little sheeps,

I was reflecting the other day about my role as your Spiritual Father. One of my joys as your Sacred Pastor is to visit our parish school. I can hardly wait for the new school year to begin.

I encourage all the children to ask me questions. They neatly write their questions with a #2 pencil on a 3x5 card which allows me to choose the questions that are the most relevant and of course avoiding any kind of scandal. So, in a classroom of 34 children and 45 minute periods, I of course can answer in depth three of their questions with the remaining 40 minutes of class time devoted to encouraging vocations among the young men.

Oftentimes, as the little 3rd graders sit in my lap during one of my school visits the children will want to know if I was born a priest and could say the Sacred Mass when I was their age. No, I assure them, I was just a normal little boy like them who went to Holy Mass every day of my life, sometimes twice on Sundays, just as they do.

As an aside, our school's third grade teacher, Miss DeSilva, still teaches the children to stand when I enter the room- such a show of spontaneous respect from these little ones-don't we all wish for those days long gone when all children practiced this kind of respect for priests? And Miss DeSilva, I must congratulate you in public for how well you are getting along in learning English. Take some of the $18,000 year salary you are paid and celebrate your mastery of a new language. How proud your parents in Mexico must be that you get to work so closely with the Holy Priests in educating the young in the United States. Muy buena! (Very good girl!)

I get questions from all ages, even those curious eighth graders, just at the bloom of manhood and womanhood, will ask me if I even had a mother, "with the way you act and all" as these young ones say in their vernacular way. No, children, I indeed did have a mother who from the day I was born predicted that I would be a Holy Priest. I tell them that I even enjoyed video games as a teenager, playing exciting games like "Pong" and so forth, spending many a quarter on fast paced pinball machines at the mall arcade. We would take these semi-monthly "free day" breaks from our studies as teenage seminarians. I assure them, that even if they play video games all day long, that God is still calling them to a joy filled life as a celibate priest.

Several of the kids like to say that I am "whacked" as a loving homage, I believe, to my just-like-them upbringing and faithfulness to my vows. Such a loss for the church it is that we no longer have high-school seminaries where these young men can be disciplined, molded and shaped while they are still young into fine priests. I mean I lived in the barracks-like seminaries since I was their age and look how good I turned out. Of course, I share all of this out of Divine Humility to encourage these youthful boys.

Of course, we encourage all of you who are parents to place your children into Catholic Education at our parish school. Of course, if you cannot make that sacrifice (and I am sure that God will understand your explanation when you meet HIM in heaven) then our CCD or “Formation” department will also do some good for your children.

Leading you onward,

Father Ty Rolean, OMFG
Pastor, St. Palter Catholic Church

My Dear Little Sheeps #2: Pastors Must Discipline Other Adults

2010-10-07T01:03:00.000-07:00

My dear little sheeps....

I wanted to comment on a recent event in our parish where I, as your spiritual Father, was required to discipline some of my spiritual children.

It seems a small group was trying to meet together, outside of our small group system, for prayer and reflection in their homes. Of course, I required of them, out of the obedience they owe to me as their Pastor, to cease their meetings. My staff was afraid this group might create their own independent thinking on matters of faith. As you know, my dear little sheeps, the only thinking allowed in this parish is that of Holy Mother Church herself, which I alone pass on to you as it has been passed on to me by the bishop as was passed on to him by the pope, which of course came unerringly and without change directly from the apostles and you know of where they received their instructions: the Sacred Lips themselves!!

Of course, it is always a hard decision to discipline one's children. Oftentimes, just because someone is an adult in the corporate world they believe that they can make independent decisions regarding their faith life. This is of course is not true, as the church teaches. You need my guidance as spiritual children and must follow it without question, just as I do to the words of my superiors. You cannot disobey your pastor.

I present this to you in love. Just like you expect your children to never question you, (and I know they never do as you are all good Catholic parents with fine children so well kept in line!) I do require that my children be unswerving in their obedience to me. And I know, just as your children have no right to question your decisions, that you will not ask me to explain myself when these kind of decisions are made. Accept my decisions in holy submission and humility. After all, I have never questioned a decision of my superiors! And, you would not want to create any stress for me, your humble Shepherd, would you?

I pray that these people can see the Truth and cease meeting independently without my approval via the staff. Otherwise, additional discipline may be required. Peace to you all.

Leading you onward,

Fr. Ty Rolean, OMFG
Pastor

New Mass Times

2010-09-30T01:00:00.000-07:00

Our parish council recently received a letter from one member of our community who said the Mass times were inconvenient for them. Of course, the council leapt into action after Fr. Ty Rolean mentioned that the Mass times did indeed also interfere with his tee times and resulted in severe mortification for him, more than anyone really should expect a man of his stature to experience. He also mentioned how the early Saturday Mass times interferes with his ability to meet privately with the boy scouts who need his guidance for the religious awards. Father commented, ”I mean, after all, I can’t expect these boys to meet me in my office after school, now could I? Often times, these meetings lead into hearing the boys’ confessions, and I can’t keep getting cut off, can I?”

Fr. Rolean has now instructed the liturgy “office” to conduct a survey which Father will “take into consideration” as he determines our new Mass times. We’d like to thank the one parishioner for bringing this burning issue to the light of day. What would we do without those who would care enough to anonymously challenge all of us? How blessed we are in this parish. Watch this space for more news about the Mass times.

Meet the Staff: Mrs. Gammy Perjure, Youth Assistant

2010-09-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

We're pleased to introduce to you Mrs. Gammy Perjure. As your servant webmaster, I once again sought out one of our broody, organized, orderly, brilliant staff members to share with you, our obedient parishioners, a little piece of themselves. And who wouldn't want to know more about these b.o.o.b's who serve you so well?

After I signed a release form and provided a complete set of fingerprints to Gammy, "just in case you, you know" Gammy agreed to sit with me and chat. What a wonderful gift we have in Gammy, who keeps detailed notes about meetings and conversations. When I asked Gammy about her proclivity for note taking, she said, "Well, you never know when someone is going to do something bad, I mean, it's okay to protect yourself, right? You never know when someone evil might be following you around all the time or be out to hurt you or to put you in harm's way or be trying to secretly get you in trouble or I might see someone somewhere and then have to go report them because I am afraid of them and if I am afraid, then of course, there must be something wrong. I am not paranoid or anything, I just want to be prepared because there are a lot of men out there who could harm me, or at least it feels like that, so I keep my notes really carefully so that I can protect the young people or me or whoever I think needs protecting. I mean, look at my first husband. Should I be mad that he is doing well without me? Anyway, I have to keep notes about him in case I see him at a Circle K or wherever and maybe he might be doing something wrong. Why are you looking at me like that?"

Asked about her hobbies outside of her service to Holy Mother Church, Gammy says, "Well, of course, my sons are the most important thing in my life, right after the leadership of Tara, our pastoral associate. My sons have been a great blessing-even if they will grow up acting like men, but I try my best to help them see the dangers in that. I try to pass on to them my healthy awareness of how evil some men can be so that they won't make the mistakes my first husband made with me. Of course, Father Ty has been a 'great' example of manhood for my boys to learn from, too. And I have been taking them to the doctor lately and one of them had a cold. I felt so guilty about that. Maybe I am a bad mother. Do you think I am a bad mother? I worry that someone might think I am a bad mother."

Asked about her relationship with her current husband, Gammy replies, "Yeah, I'm married."

I asked Gammy what it was like to work as a youth ministry assistant. Leaning forward, in a almost confessional manner, she replied, "I was really surprised how much work there is in youth ministry. I have this job description, and Fret actually expects me to do what I was hired to do! I mean, I have been doing everything on my job description for the last year. I really think Fret needs to look at that. He expects me actually work independently, too. I keep running out of note paper trying to keep up with my reports about him. It's very difficult sometimes to do the work of the Church, especially when I am held accountable to do my job by a man. But, I keep good notes and I am sure that I can find a chance in the future to put them to good use- I mean, don't you think I should make more money if I have to do everything I agreed to?"

We in our Sacred Parish of St. Palter are blessed by Mrs. Perjure’s ministry. Please stop by and thank her for her dedicated service. Although if you do speak to her, Gammy requests that it be at least a 30 minute notice so that she can get witnesses to your conversation.

Gammy also advises that only “side hugs” are appropriate with her. “I’ve taught pre-school. I know danger lurks in every contact with people.” she adds.

Press Release: New "LiveTeens!" Program Directives

2010-09-17T01:02:00.000-07:00

Press Release. For Immediate Release.

Arizona- In “joyful obedience” to the Church, the “LiveTeens” officials say they now must cease the gathering of teenagers around the altar during Mass. Teens, normally pressed up against one another and the presider, must now remain in the pews. After nearly twenty years of teens around the Priests, the practice must cease in order to be in compliance with liturgical and civil law.

The LiveTeens program will also refrain from using the catchy phrase, “The Mass never ends, and you gotta come back!” at the conclusion of the liturgy.
In a recent letter to U.S. bishops, priests and diocesan youth offices, LiveTeens! founder Monsignor Duey Crohsczek asked member parishes to joyfully comply with the directives in an “obeying spirit.”

“We now know that the sanctuary space around the altar is to remain separated from the parishioners or at least now we are supposed to enforce that. We’ve come to understand that the sanctuary space should not be tainted by lay people.” said Kippy Bannister president of LiveTeens International.

“It’s all about the obeying. Mother Church in her Wisdom wants order and uniformity for all her little children. This is part of the new written directives from Rome, ‘On Precluding Maculate Supplication,’ or shortened, the ‘PMS document,’ he said.

A video was sent to all Roman Catholic parishes by the U.S. Committee on Liturgy, “We have just learned that LiveTeens is like a precious gem in the Church’s familial crown. But the family jewels sometimes need to be sacked and sucked up while their owners are told, ‘Don’t touch your jewels until we look more closely at them,’” one priest said on the video.

In the video, the Committee members stated that although LiveTeens jewels are precious, especially those of the young participants, it was more important that the parishes have the PMS in place at all liturgies. The bigger jewels of conformity have now been restored.

Charles Biddable, 19, a seasoned, veteran core member for the last six months at the LiveTeens master church of St. Thames Parish in Mesa, said not gathering the kids around the altar was at first confusing. “Monsignor DC always insisted we make the teens, oops, invite the teens to come around the altar. I mean, he’d just go off the hizzy if there were any of the kids still out in the pews. I am sure he wanted them close to the Sacred Presence out of his love for teenagers.”

Prior to the implementation of the changes at St. Thames, he said core members were “always having to be sure the teens behaved and didn’t talk” during the Eucharistic Prayer. “But it wasn’t all of them, maybe only like 200 or so that had a problem. But up to this time we weren’t allowed to say we ever had a problem ‘cuz then other parishes might not purchase the LT programs.”

“But change is always good,” he added. “So we are just welcoming it.”

Cria Soat, a LiveTeens core member at St. Palter Parish in Arizona, said she heard no complaints from teens when the Scottsdale parish implemented the changes.

“Whatever. The teens have responded for the whole obeying thing,” Soat said. “The change doesn’t affect them really. Some kids liked it because they could text message more freely in the pews during Mass. But for those type of kids we aren’t letting them get Confirmed anyway so it doesn’t matter.”

The LiveTeens board of directors looks forward to more opportunities to obey the Mother Church’s commands.

Late Night Catechism III in Scottsdale.

2010-09-16T22:41:00.001-07:00

Late Nite Catechism III
comes to Seton Catholic Preparatory Gymnasium

Saturday, October 2, 2010
7:30 pm performance time

Don’t be tardy!

If you enjoyed the first Late Night Catechism you will laugh again as “Sister” lectures on “’Til Death Do Us Part”.

Bring your friends and family.
Complimentary wine, cheese, and desserts served at 6:30pm
Show begins at 7:30pm in the Seton Catholic gymnasium

This will be a sellout performance, so purchase your tickets today in
The Seton Spirit Store on campus or
online at www.SetonCatholic.org on the homepage!

Father Rolean FAQ: Pastor Appreciation Week!

2010-09-16T22:23:00.000-07:00

FAQ: I hear many names for Fr. Rolean. What should I call him?

First off, thank you for your show of respect for Father by using his last name instead of using his first name, as if you were actually a peer of some sort or perhaps one of his golfing friends. We are sure that Fr. Rolean appreciates the show of respect, as we know he is a good and holy man. We of course on the staff always refer to him with his last name, showing our respect for his higher stature.

He is however aware that many of our younger parishioners are better able to “relate” by using “Fr. Ty” and he therefore, out of holy humility, allows it. Occasionally, the teens refer to him as "FT" in a "hip" sort of manner. We have heard the "teens" explain this as saying it not only stands for his name, but sometimes also means "Fr. Touchy"- their homage to his vigorous "hands on" style with them, especially during their most challenging moments during Confession.

Aren't we blessed to have such a fine man as our pastor, who gives so much of himself to young and old alike?

FAQ: What does OMFG mean after Fr.'s Name?

What does the term OMFG mean after Fr. Rolean’s name mean?
The letters stand for “Order of Mary Forever Grateful.” His order is better know as the “Gratuitists.” and is dedicated to a mission of submission and obedience wherever the Holy Fathers of the order may be stationed

Eucharistic "Minister" Training

2010-09-16T01:06:00.000-07:00

As you know, Liturgy is the "source and summit" of the Holy Catholic Faith, and of course, is a priority for our Pastor as well. Nothing is more critical than having someone who can spend many hours in prayer and planning. In keeping with this, our Pastor has hired a part-time "liturgist' to guide us.

Over the next few weeks, our Liturgy Director, Mrs. Caitiff Flinty, will be conducting classes for anyone interested in being a "Eucharistic Minister." Caitff says, "In order for anyone to handle the Sacred Presence, they must first be trained in their ministry. Of course, Father has approved every jot and tittle of the curriculum."

Caitiff will be conducting the training sessions every Tuesday night for 20 weeks, from 7-10PM in the parish hall. Please let her know if you would like to attend and feel "called" to give out communion.

Here's what will be discussed in the course, one subject each week. You must attend every session to be worthy of this important ministry.

1. Importance of the priest at Mass.

2. The role of the assembly during Mass (special 1/2 hour mini course)

3. What kind of bread do we use?

4. What kind of wine do we use?

5. How to obediently approach the altar.

6. What side of the altar can you walk on?

7. How to appear full of humility, just as the Pastor is full of it.

8. Keeping eye contact with the Pastor to be able to leap into Eucharistic action.

9. What to do when someone who you think is sinful is in your line!

10. Non Catholics in your line? Don't panic!

11. 37 rules to remember every time you serve as Eucharistic minister.

12. How to pray about your ministry.

13. Why you need to go to confession regularly to be an "EM."

14. How to read the schedule for EM's.

15. How to get ahead and become a Sacristan!

16. What to do when the "teens" want to become "EM's."

17. The history of the initiation sacraments, part one.

18. The history of the initiation sacraments, part two.

19. "Oh, no! Someone's dipping the host!!!"

20. Fr. Ty Rolean speaks to us about this Sacred Task.

Please speak to Mrs. Flinty if you have questions regarding your preparedness for this Sacred Task

Giving the Baby Back

2010-07-19T21:53:00.000-07:00

Over at the hedonistic and love-your-neighbor "newspaper" of the East Valley, an article was published about the God Show with man who used to play Captain Super on KPHO. Your faithful Pastor has posted his response. It is important that you read His words. So, we have included them here for you.

Here below find Fr. Rolean's wisdom:

Oh, Lawn, you forgot to mention that MJW had to give the baby back when she moved to Fr. Duey's Praise and Worship center. You can bet that was one angry 20-something who had to go to back Guatemala. "But, Mom, Fr. Duey isn't THAT cool anymore."

As well, there are extra Indulgences to WilliamB for his use of word "apostate" in main-stream media. So many people are afraid to offer Ejaculations like these anymore. Praise God! Jesus surely looks down in love as you roast media heathens. Remember Lawn, that like Bermuda grass, the church is ever green.

New Parishioners

2010-07-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

St. Palter actively reaches out to our new members in order to reach out to out and welcome them. Since we are such a new parish, we remember that everyone was once new and did not yet know how we operate, which ministries are available to their children or what the "Pay to" line on their checks should contain.

And in the same vein, we have cordially invited some of our old members to leave, especially those who would question our Pastor or not provide him with holy obedience.

News flash- the renamed Piestawa Peak makes a fine conduit for those leaving the parish. See all you new members after the noon Mass this Sunday! If you have any questions, please visit with our parish accountant, Gerin F. Mo

Congrats to Tara Diddle

2010-07-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

Fr. Ty and several members of the staff would like to congratulate our "pastoral associate" Tara Diddle on several exciting new recognitions in her life. First and of course foremost is that Tara was recently recognized by Bishop Foisted for her work in "social justice." Tara and the Bishop spoke to each other for four complete minutes during a recent "meet and greet" at the downtown Diocesan center.

Said Bishop Foisted in a recent letter to Fr. Rolean, your Holy Pastor, "PPS. I was surprised to learn that the woman you have in charge there also counts other projects besides anti-abortion protesting as part of her idea of social justice. Who knew? Well, at least she understands that these social justice projects need to be with people who aren't or haven't been with the Parish in any way. Keep an on eye that one." (And I, your humble webmaster, remain in awe that Bishop Foisted took such time to lovingly acknowledge Tara's work in such a personal manner! How blessed are we?)

One other Diocesan employee described Tara's work for you in our Sacred Parish as "a real project, turning St. Palter into a real Siren's nest of justice good doing." Congratulations to you, Tara, on getting to shake hands with the Bishop!

Also, Tara has been recognized outside of the parish for 'hanging her shingles" with the Real Estate firm of Roger Burningman associates. Says Mr Burningman on his website of Tara: "She has a Masters Degree and teaches people. To meet Tara is to have a friend in Tara. Then when you start talking to her, you can make an informed decision. " Many divorced women need to keep a second job and we are so proud of you, Tara. "You the man!" as the kids say.

A Tour of the Diocesan Pastoral Matrix

2010-07-13T21:09:00.000-07:00

My friends,

I, your unworthy webmaster, have been allowed and even privileged to enter into the Holy of Holies on Monroe and interview many members of the Diocesan staff. Usually only priests, nuns who would complain and lay people who have been trained for three years are allowed to go anywhere near the sanctuary that is the Diocesan Pastoral Matrix (DPM).

My first interview was with Shill Fingercot, the director of the youth ministry office for the Diocese. As Fr. Ty likes to remind me, no lay person can really direct anything but in some cases, certain obedient lay persons are allowed to have an office downtown and get to have an important title as Bishop Foisted grants. Shill fits this description to a “t,” always ready to obey regardless of what needs to be done.

“Praise Jesus!” Shill called out as he met me in the decontamination room that serves as the foyer for the DPM. “I hope you don’t mind the detailed questionnaire you filled out, we have to be sure that you haven’t brought in any Protestants with you. It’s all security, as you know.”

I asked Shill if I had to do this each time I visited the DPM. “Yes,” Shill replied, “at least until you are ordained or you choose to donate a kidney or a jet to the Bishop.”

As we walked to his office, pausing to let the guard dogs sniff our pants, I noticed what appeared to be a small shrine oddly placed in the middle of the hallway. It had two indentations in the concrete and the small banner above the shrine read, “Our Mother Gives Us A Child.”

“Oh, what a wonderful devotion to Mary.” I said to Shill.

“Praise Jesus! No, it’s not for that. Those are the actual knee prints where, 18 years ago, Michelle-Joan Oeste dropped really hard to her knees and begged Mother Theresa to ‘give her a child.’ It was such a spontaneous ejaculation of faith that Bishop Chacha O’Bile immediately proclaimed those caved in-knee prints to be a sacred relic of a woman knowing her place- on her knees begging to be filled with fresh new Catholics. So, here the shrine sits, in the hall. And every time Michelle-Joan is here, she has her children kneel in the prints praying to MT (that’s what FD (Father Duey) used to call Mother Theresa) for even more brothers and sisters. When that doesn’t work, she just feeds the kids Christo Crackers from Duey’s new Praise and Worship Center. Apparently she can’t take them down there any more to see FD. I don’t understand it all. Praise Jesus! And since MJ started working for the grocery store and gave up her Diocesan Media Speaker job, she can’t come down here like she used to. I guess we’re only allowed to quit if Sr. Joan Staphs can send out letters about us first. I get confused.”

As Shill took a breath, I noticed that one of the doors in the hallway was made of gold. I inquired if that was Bishop Foisted’s office. Shill advised me that it was the Bishops bathroom. “Sr. Staphs is the only other person allowed to use it. besides the Bishop, that is. Praise Jesus!”

As we settled into Shill’s office, we began to talk. I learned that Shill considers himself a “charismatic” Catholic and that he has 10 children “...all of whom are going to go to a Franciscan College, I hope. They don’t allow hugging there. Praise Jesus!”

I asked Shill about what a director of youth ministry does for a living. “Well, Praise Jesus, I think you mean to say ‘does for a ministry’ since that is what I do. Ministry, that is. Well, Praise Jesus, it’s harder to do youth ministry in this Diocese since Bishop Foisted eliminated Confirmation for teenagers. Before, youth ministers only needed to open the doors and the teens’ parents would shuffle them in."

He continued, "Now, Praise Jesus, I spend most of my time training adults in youth ministry so that when the day comes back that we can have a new sacrament for teens, then we’ll be ready for more exciting mandatory programs where kids will learn to love the Mother Church. When I am not training, I help a lot of youth ministers find new games or car wash locations for the five or six kids in each parish that come to youth ministry events. I also work very closely with the Catholic high schools to be sure the kids there are mandated to come to Diocesan events. Sure builds up the attendance. And when I am not doing those things, I pretty much just do what the “Live Teens!’ main office in Mesa wants me to do. Praise Jesus!”

I mentioned to Mr. Fingercot that many times young people will use their Myspace accounts to write loving reflections of Diocesan youth events that they have had to attend. They often use the apparent acronym of S.U.C.K.S to indicate their joy at attending Diocesan events. I figured out that it meant, “Surely Underage Catholics Kare (and) Share.” I asked him if he had ever read any of these youthful “reviews”

“What’s Myspace?” he asked.

Moving on, I asked Shill to tell me his greatest joy in serving Bishop Foisted in his role as “director” of youth ministry.

“Obeying. Yes, Praise Jesus, obeying the rules of the Diocese, err, Bishop Foisted. What a great man, He has been so directive, so hands on that all I have to do is look the other way and watch what he does to people. Such wisdom. Since many youth ministry coordinators are lay people, I’ve learned how easy it is to let them go and watch them move on. What Foisted wants, Foisted gets, Praise Jesus. It really makes my life easy to just do what they ask of me. Who can not enjoy obeying? I am getting shivers right now.”

I said to Shill just how much I envy him, having the chance to live the value of Justice every single day like that. “No, Praise Jesus, you are getting confused, Webmaster. Justice is serving food at the homeless shelter. Here, I just do what I am told. I am not concerned about justice or any of that. If Bishop Foisted, or Sr. Staphs (and before Marienne Vineyrs or Sr. Dolor de Cabesa de Jesus) tells me to go, I go. If they tell me to look, I look. If they tell me to ignore, I ignore. Really, we as lay people don’t have the training and Grace of Ordination to make any decisions. Obedience is so much more important than...than...umm...what was your word?”

“Justice,” I answered.

“Oh, yeah. Justice. I don’t need that. Youth ministry coordinators, past and present, need to know how much joy I have obeying. Praise Jesus! I hope I am helping pass that on when I interact with others.”

Shill told me that his greatest challenge in working for the Diocese was parents. He said it seems that parents just don’t make kids go to church as they used to. “Clearly, the threat of a Mortal Sin has no bearing on these new-age parents.” (So, dear parishioners, I hope you are paying attention and get your kids to our ‘Live Teens!” Mass every Sunday at St. Palter!)

I thanked Shill for his time and conversation. Since it is a little confusing in the maze of the DPM, I asked him if he could escort me out to the parking lot. “Sure,” Shill said, “I will take you out the back door entrance, but you will have to wear this blindfold so you don’t see the secret entrance.”

What a joy to start meeting the Diocesan staff! Next time, I will be reviewing the “Office of the Inquisition” which, a little bird told me, will be staffed by long-gone and now returning Diocesan Nun. How exciting!

My Dear Little Sheeps: Square Catholics in Public

2008-10-11T22:44:00.000-07:00

My Dear Little Sheeps,

As you are aware, Bishop Foisted has released His latest pastoral letter in book form. In the book, He is not telling you not how to vote this election day. In His book, “Square Catholics in The Public,” He outlines how you should vote as a Catholic if He could make you vote a specific way, which of course He cannot do and still keep away millions of dollars in tax payments. So, as I know you want to know how to be guided when we are not telling you how to be guided by the Bishop you must obey, I have included a listing of the table of contents of the new book:

1. “Why We Can’t Tell You What We’re Not Telling You.”

2. “Since You’re Not Ordained, You Can’t Interpret”

3. “Holy Smokes: Screens”

4. “WWJD: What Would Jesus Do (in the voting booth) and Since the Bishop is the Representative of Jesus Here in our Diocese, Then, You’ll Need to Do the Same Since Jesus Does Not Have a 501(c)3 To Worry About.”

5. Which Of Our Videos You Should Obey If the IRS Would Let Us Tell You.

6. Factsheet 2006-17: A Matter of Conscience (No, Really This One Is)

7. “Love the Sinner, Hate The Sin” Or At Least, You Know, *That* Sin.

8. Posting to YouTube

9. Since Only Kids Go to YouTube, No One Will See What We’re Not Doing When We Do It There.

10. Tithe 10%. Now.

11. "Separation of Church and State" Is Only for Subpoenas of Employee Documents (Even if the Employee is Asking.)

You will find copies of the book “Square Catholics in The Public” being sold by Fret and the youth group after all the Masses. They have set up a booth on the public sidewalk outside the parking lot. We ask that you not have more than five parishioners around the table at any one time.

I am looking forward to hearing how you have not read the things we cannot tell you to do. Please let me know if you do not have any questions I cannot answer for you when I do not see you next.

Leading You Onward,

Fr. Ty Rolean
Pastor