Stable Today

What Children Want to Know About A Parent With Bipolar Disorder

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 13:03:00 +0000

The questions children may have, when they have a parent with Bipolar Disorder can vary with circumstances. There is nothing wrong with educating children about what is wrong with their mom or dad, when it comes to Bipolar Disorder or other mental illnesses.

I came across this site that has valuable information, in particular for talking with children about their parent with Bipolar Disorder. A little education can go a long way for children, who just don't know what to think of the parent's odd behaviors.

When a parent has bipolar disorder... What kids want to know

It was a profound revelation for me to read this article, noting that only 1 in 10 children with a parent that has Bipolar Disorder will also have it. 9 out of 10 children will not develop it. This is a relief for me as a parent with Bipolar Disorder, because the fear I have of my children developing this horrible nightmarish disorder, overwhelms me. Although I feel far from secure about these findings, it does help to subside the intensity of my fear for my children.

Jack in the box photo via http://dc.about.com/od/christmasphotos/ss/ColumbiaLights_8.htm

Depression Hurts

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Mon, 04 Aug 2008 23:48:00 +0000

Depression sure does hurt, every part of your body and mind. I've been spiraling down hill for a couple of weeks. Of course, I am attributing the depression to family issues, and having been sick and nauseous for a few weeks. Last week they did an ultrasound of my abdomen. I was told by the technician, that the doctor would be sent a full review in about a week. He was kind enough to at least say, that there was nothing of an emergency found. Phhhh...but I still have to hear from my doctor to see if anything was found. If he says that it is nothing, then why the hell am I having all of these symptoms? And why has it continued for three weeks?

If this is all psychological, than I am weak. The depression is subtle, but right there. I want to sleep more often, all day I'm fatigued, the thought of food makes me sick, and I've become disinterested in socialization. It really sucks feeling this way. I know boo..hooo.... me. I am still functioning, and I try to stay positive. This is the reason I can come here and unload. I am sure that others will agree if you've ever been really south of the bipolar scale, that it is the worst feeling ever!

Bipolar Parent

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Tue, 29 Jul 2008 16:07:00 +0000

It is tough being a parent period. When you are a parent with Bipolar Disorder things can become tougher. There are days when I can do it all and then there are days when I can do nothing at all. Having mild mania is really nice because you can accomplish so many things you can not accomplish while you are depressed. However, the higher level's of mania can result in damage to self, family, and friends.

Before my diagnosis, I thought that everyone else was the root cause of all my emotional turmoil and madness. I would call the overwhelming stress a mental brake down. Which is something that also requires medical attention, which I did not do. Usually after an episode I would feel better the next day or couple of days. Then it seemed to spiral into a hopeless depression. Now that I am aware of my illness and how to maintain it I am better able to recognize the difference between stable and unstable. I take my medications everyday, knowing that what I have can be manage through them. I didn't deserve the disorder, it wasn't my fault, and there is no cure. I must see my psychiatrist regularly, my therapist, exercise, eat right, stay away from caffeine and sugar (very hard to do), and monitor my moods.

My children come first, which means that if I am sick I must rely on the help of others for their sake. It is not always easy to let others come into your world. Often times they are ignorant of the disorder, blame you for making their life harder, and tell others about your personal medical condition...among other things. I used to let pride get in the way of what was best for my kids. If you are uncomfortable with family help, seek a day care where you can leave your personal reasons private. If I could afford it I would have a nanny, but I have to settle for my family and trust they are understanding. My family tries to understanding and helpful, but unless you walk in the shoes of the sufferer you don't really know the depth of turmoil. If you are a supporter you want to help them, but feel inadequate. This is a normal response supporters have when they love the person, and hate to see them in such a state.

Every little step forward is progress, but no matter how hard you try there can be backsliding. Medications have to be tweeked from time to time when backsliding occurs. Education is essential! Understand the sensitivity of emotions and do what you can to overcome, sometimes it takes awhile. Patience, perseverance, and hope!

Estelle Getty and My Gram

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 22:20:00 +0000

Estelle Getty, best known for her role as Sophia on "The Golden Girls," has died at the age of 84.

I loved to watch the woes of "The Golden Girls", along side my Grandmother, when I was a young teenager. When there are re-runs on, and I have the time, I sit and watch them. I do it just to feel the small reconnection I once shared with my Gram. She died in December 2000. She is missed deeply each day. Sophie was my Grandmother's favorite character.

Thanks Estelle, for the hours of entertainment and the laughs you provided us with, priceless!!

Too Much On Your Plate? Take a Break!

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 22:20:00 +0000

I am trying to do it all even though I am so far behind. I have to stay very organized in order to keep on top of things. The kids are time consuming but I'm glad I get to be with them more. Summer always loads us up with parties and events, which can leave little time for simply doing nothing at all. I did have time to see the movie "Hancock". It was a very good movie, some funny, and some surprises along the way. This one I can hardly wait to get on DVD and watch again. Well after a long weekend of strenuous, back braking work... I deserved a break to do nothing and watch a movie, catch up on emails, and get some extra writing accomplished, oh and I can't forget I read my second Steven King Novel.

It sounds funny, but I've always considered him kooky, still do. I couldn't imagine having such twisted thoughts, but I had only watched the movie "Kujo" and was scared out of my mind through too much of it. I was turned off, but after reading "The Dark Half", and "The Langoliers", I am convinced he is a very good writer. I had some trouble getting through the first few pages, I was too distracted by a coincidence. The main character's last name is the exact name of a couple of my main characters in my second book. I chose it because it is a surname that is in the family. "Beaumont" At least the first names weren't the same. Right now I am still debating on whether or not to change it or leave it. I've become attached to it after writing seven chapters. Grrrrr...lol. His was written in 1989, so I should be fine with whatever I choose!!

Bipolar Can Get the Better of Anyone

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 02:34:00 +0000

It is inevitable that something will trigger an episode for people with Bipolar Disorder. Many times through out my life I've had things trigger the episodes, which are generally triggered with a combination of manic induced medications and environmental stressors. If given a choice to let the world roll off my shoulders instead of letting it get the better of me, would be wonderful to say the least. For whatever reason, the mind gets weak when some medications or the lack of proper medications are absent or present in the brain's chemistry.

I've had conversations with people who are not Bipolar, also have similar issues and they seem emotionally distressed, but better able to cope with it. I on the other hand let it eat at me with a vengeance. Perhaps if I could see the answer to all the physiological problems of the brain I could find a balance. For a long while I had the balance and then other medical problems interfered with my medications and so it goes with people in the same shoes I also wear. The comfort in knowing that I am not the only one who battles this disorder, and that I have people in my life who love me regardless of my condition, is immense.

I am falling behind on so many of my projects that the tasks again seem daunting to complete. When I catch up I will feel a great sense of accomplishment at least until the next thing grabs me by the neck. Recently I've talked about my pathetic life and the triggers of old and coming alive in the present, and I am feeling a deeper need to move forward instead of continuing to punish myself for my response to stressful situations. I just need the extra positive messages to invoke my greater sense of worth and purpose. The first being that I am a positive role model to my children. That even if we struggle with problems we can have normalcy when we stop belly aching and kick the crap to the curb. I've sulked long enough about having a less than perfect childhood, and struggling to survive in spite of this disorder; of which, there is no cure or relief without medications. Even if it comes down to self medicating to survive, so to speak.

Nicotine is a drug that seems to calm the nerves, and pacify the contentions. Yes, it is a bad habit one which brings other health complications. In an episode those things don't matter it becomes survival instinct at that point. Smoke or lose all control over your emotional state of mind. I need all the emotional help I can get while in an episode. It is no wonder that people turn to self medicating under duress. In this last bit of madness I should have been taken to the hospital, but my husband is of the mind that a supporter should do everything to keep that from happening. The only problem is that he doesn't have the drugs it would take to get me to come out of the nightmare. Which really never goes away, it is only buried beneath the surface waiting till the next thing sets it off again.

In all reality, or at least my reality, I would be better off dead. There would be no more stress, no more mistakes, no more living nightmares, or insane pain. The only problem is that my kids may carry this disorder if it is genetic, as they claim, the chance is probable. God forbid!! It would be a bad example to show them that the answer is only in death, instead of in a struggle to get back on your feet and continue to fight. The dusting off of problems, mistakes, shame, and depression. The idea doesn't make me happy, and at times the thoughts of how much better off they would be nags at the wrong times. When the clouds of doubt have lifted, the sunshine clears, the mind and the determination to overcome kicks in. Producing a time of harvest where all the hell turns into a replica of heaven. Those moments of wanting for death turn to empty old mindless idiotic fantasy. If I had died when I last wanted, I wouldn't be here today to enjoy the sunshine and clear skies. To experience moments of paradise and peacefulness, I long for, it can seem surreal when it does. The success of overcoming the tribulations of Bipolar, bring elation. Those moment seem rare and an appreciation for feeling well, help me to focus during those other times of doomed disasters.

I am a survivor, and strive to continue surviving the journey with my burden in life, to the best of my ability.

Author Note: I have been diagnosed with Bipolar since 2004, but was in the closet since 1987 about my fits. I just want others to understand the disorder, or if afflicted to find comfort in the same situation. May your crossroads be paved only with all that represents serenity. If you suffer may the paths lead to victory in the long run, and the sacrifice to continue worthwhile.

Feeling Like A Heel Whose Been Through Hell

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 17:38:00 +0000

With all of the manic stress I've recently endured my body has taken a beating. I have been highly physically active to keep myself from going over the edge, my body has been using muscles it hasn't used in quite a long while, even though I am active to begin with. I am not usually into digging up new flower beds. I HATE GARDENING!! I walk, but not up and down my road vigorously for hours on end- pacing off the pent up energy. There is no release from mental anguish when it has it's claws buried into your mind and flesh. You just simmer and stew! The struggle to continue or give in wage a war that has no end in sight. NO RESOLUTION!!

I have been cleaning my house like I have OCD, and play loud music to forget the pain or to relate with an artist in the same situation. Taking care of my children, helping at the school, attending several family functions, never ending family medical appointments, and entertaining house guests take enough energy for the normal person and I should be exhausted. The only trouble, I'm not tired at all! So here I am alert and able bodied. But not completely well.

I've had allergy problems, major stress, and now my body aches from head to toe. My allergies are year round but more severe in the spring and fall. During those times, it is take the allergy medication or end up with sinus infections. I chose the Allegra over the antibiotics. For whatever reason the Allegra seems to assist in upsetting my emotional balance. It would be easy for me to argue and blame the environmental stress because it sure does seem that way. I am way too sensitive, and the backward thinking in negativity creep in to stir up the already boiling pot of old maddening memories. I don't understand why my brain reacts to stress in such a miserable manner. The torment is subsiding some now, but it has left scars.

The other day the boys and I sorted through our summer school materials. They each helped to sort out piles of worksheets, booklets, and books into piles for each subject. We are now organized and ready for summer home school. They were good about helping and they each spent some time on the first of their studies. Russ did so well that I rewarded him with a sleep over. This is where I slap myself for spending all those nights praying to, pardon the pun, wake up dead! I love my children so much and never want to scar them emotionally with the taking of my own life.

The young boy who came over for the night knows all to well what it is like to lose a parent. His father did not commit suicide but rather died from a blood clot to the heart. The psychological damage that I see or know of, is the obsessive worrying that he goes through when his mother gets sick, because of the symptoms they witnessed their father go through before he died. It took 1.5 hours from beginning symptoms to his final breath. The family has made it through the first year. Less than a month ago they had a memorial golf tournament in his honor and they will probably continue to do this annually for as long as they are able.

The boy continually relates to past memories of his dad. You can feel his loss! I understand great loss and it is comforting to hear him relate things we do with him to the things he has done with his father. Keeping his father's memory alive is very therapeutic for him from what I have witnessed. Which is why I feel like such a twit for all of my negative thoughts and for being so vulnerable to whatever direction the wind is blowing.

Brain chemistry plays a vital role in my sensitivity and poor choices made under pressure. The worst of my poor choices from the recent episode took place the day of the wedding. I was very overwhelmed with stress, but when it came down to almost losing my six year old son it was more than I could bare. It was like a ton a bricks had come down on my shoulders and the only thing I could think about was how I could find some relief. I was so shaken from that experience that I stopped at the closest gas station and bought a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

Now that the dust is beginning to settle I want to kick myself for being desperate enough to take up that habit again, for making mountains out of mole hills, and digging up the past I had buried. I sit here thinking about all the would've, could've, should've dones and all I can do is feel stupid!!

I've known all along who I can and can't depend on when I need help but still I make the err to put my hope and trust in others I should not. I want to be brave and suck it up, but I'm too vulnerable and broken for that kind of rationale when confronted with the demons of the past, present, and future.

The issues I have with my step father scarred me and we have yet to sit down together and hash it out, to a resolve the past. He has claimed to be a changed man and has remorse for the past, but it comes from the lips of my mother not his own. Now, I am faced with the challenge of confronting those demons head on so that maybe I can close that chapter of my harsh childhood. Am I strong enough to get through it without feeling like the same old victim I was as a child?

I DID IT BUT AT WHAT COST?

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 23:57:00 +0000

Let me first say that the wedding was absolutely beautiful and the weather was lovely. My sister was stunning! It was so comforting to talk with a few people that I had not seen for years. I miss people but life gets hectic and we lose touch and there are conflicts that seem to get in the way of getting together.

I arrived with the kids just as the wedding party began to descend down to the pond where the groom was already waiting. It was so nice to see my sisters all dolled up and my nieces. Their periwinkle blue and white dresses were exquisite. The groomsman were all from Canada so they were a hoot. It was great because what my step father dictates to us is a whole other story about how others will obey...lol. There were some priceless moments with the Canadians.

My brother and brother in law photographed me sitting in front of ten empty beer cans. HA! HA! They like to make me look bad...gotta love their humor. As a person with Bipolar drinking is one of he things that you have to limit or be absolved of if you take medications. It is also easier to trigger mania if you are drinking alcohol. I didn't need anything triggering my nerves or dulling my senses. I took some Klonopine though for the anti anxiety. It really does seem to help calm my nerves a little bit, but I wonder if it is psychological.

Anyway, it was such a lovely day and the children were playing down near the pond and had permission to get their feet wet but they weren't to get in unless they had my say so. My 18 year old son was down at the pond with them and I guess he didn't know that they were told not to get all the way in the water, but he was watching them. Another guy was down there with his young son letting him go in and get wet too. I started to see people racing toward the pond and instantly I knew one of my children was involved, and they weren't the only children there were about 20 children there in all. I raced down to the pond which was about 100 feet away from where I sat, and after much fuss I found out that this child had freaked out thinking he was drowning and grabbed a hold of the back of my six year old's shirt and pulled him backward into the water and was holding him under. The child's father grabbed them both out of the water very rapidly. No harm except that everyone was traumatized.

I wasn't down by the pond and didn't see what took place so as soon as I knew that Ari was stable I concentrated on getting some answers as to why he was pulled out of the water. I always talk to my own children not other people for answers. First I asked Zach what had happened and scolded them both for being in the water without my permission. My sister gets in my face and says, "Comfort HIM! Comfort HIM!". There were three people coddling him at that moment and I needed to know how long he had been under the water....damn it I wanted an explanation! Ari appeared shaken and I couldn't make any sense of what he was trying to say so I always look for the other two boys to help me understand what he can't tell me.

I tried to keep him calm and get him dried off, then others were trying to get him distracted with cake. He took one bite and said he had a stomach ache. I needed to get him home and get him away from all the people giving us unwanted attention. I was getting sick of telling people what happened and hearing them say, "AT LEAST They are alright." I gathered all the boys up and we left for home and I was in no mood to say good bye to people when my son needs to get changed into dry clothes and comforted out of shell shock! I could have lost my son and it just tore my whole world apart! I was a basket case the whole way home. I told each of my sons that I didn't give a hoot about one single person at that wedding, because they are the only ones that matter to me. I would rather die than live without my sons. But secretly in my mind I said, "But I am dying to live without a few of the people at the wedding".

What didn't shock me, but did all the same was that my step father was comforting the boy who almost drown his step grandson, instead of checking on him. One more screw to hold the tension. I am thankful we are all alive and together. Before we arrived at the wedding it was as if something was trying to divert us from going but it wasn't going to get the better of me. Zach was calling it Friday the 13th and boy he wasn't kidding when he called it before the wedding. Now I have to work through the issues with my life but not until I am ready.

We came home from the wedding to company. My husband's brother came for a visit and my husband's father like friend was also there to eat supper with us. It was a good thing they were there because they were a great distraction from the drama of the day. Ari got showered and into dry clothes and went downstairs to watch television for a little while before we had supper to relax. I spent sometime with him on the couch holding him and telling him how glad I was that he was safe. We had all talked the whole way home about it and got our family therapy so to speak with one another. It was no one's fault, it was a freak thing, and we are all alright. I can't help but want to be hard on myself and think that if I had been more diligent and focused on them instead of talking with my step siblings that I only see every few years it wouldn't have happened. I feel bad that Zach was the one in charge at the time because he feels responsible for not being the one to pull Ari out. It all happened so fast that the father of the boy was closer to both of them so he was the logical person to rescue them both.

Today we went over to our lake property and Ari was the first one in the water. No fear at all! It was really comforting to watch him swim around today without fears. I am probably more traumatised about the whole thing, but I am a mother and it hurts me more than him sometimes!

A Rough Patch

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 13:45:00 +0000

I am hoping to release some of my pent up emotional stress, that I am facing at this time with my mother and step father. It largely involves my niece. I do not want to go into details on this public blog about my childhood and other psychological damage I have endured. I've been told that I suffer from PTSD from my childhood. But I am Bipolar so I handle stress very inappropriately. OUT OF CONTROL! Yes, I am coherent but when an emotional cord is triggered there is only BLEEKNESS and DISPARITY. My niece is in a situation like I was growing up. A worthless drunk father who didn't care about anything but the next drink. There was no child support coming into our household to support us. My mother told me that she was lucky to have ended a paycheck with a nickel to her name raising three children on her own. She met my stepfather in a bar and voila the bastard moved in!!!!! Of course we were told how wonderful the stepfather is because he feeds us, puts a roof over our head, and clothes on our backs. What is wrong with adults who rationalize that it is ok to mistreat children if you are taking care of them. I swear a great deal when I am angry and I want so much to say so many things to get it off my chest but it is internal and it works the same as verbally spewing out of my mouth. FFFFFFIIIIIIINNNNN A HOLE! LOL...

My mother left my biological father because he was a drunk and would physically and sexually abuse her. But the F'N BITCH turned around and allowed it to happen to her three children by her new husband. As long as he wasn't beating or raping her it was alright. He paid the bills and provided her with what she wanted so it was alright! I have let those things go and tried to move forward not looking back again because I am too old now to keep feeling like a vicitim. Well for some reason my mother wants to move my niece from one lion's den into her's. It is rehashing all of my childhood all over again. So far as I am aware my step father has had no counseling for his misdeeds but it is my mother's word that they are different people now. I AM SO SICK I WANT TO PUCK MY GUTS OUT!!!

Today I have to be very, very, very brave and face them when I want nothing more than to spit in their faces. It is my half sister's wedding day today and I am a basket case trying desperately to hold on and just get through this day for my sister. How do I let things go when they have denied most of what happened to me in childhood just in the past couple of days to my husband. My husband was around to witness some of the abuse so he is not ignorant. It just really hurts! I've been hosting the suicidal ideations again, but as usual it is only entertaining not reality, because I am not able to let my children be victims of my cowardess act to end my personal suffering. These are the only times I regret having people to love so much in my life.

One good thing has come out of all of this and that is one of my sister's helped me get through the madness of pain when I really needed it most. I thanked her as I had calmed down for her help and understanding. All she said was, "I just did exactly what you told me to do a long while ago if you were ever in this situation again. I am following your instructions." She also continued to say that she heard me tell her some time ago how I was taking some allergy medication and how it trigger's the mania. I told her I felt more sensitive lately about everything, but it was better to be touchy than to live with sinus pain and pressure that always leads to an infection and I would rather die than take antibiotics. They make me physically sick and miserable for more than a month some times.

I am going to post a hynosis video to help me relax now while I get myself and the kids ready to go to the wedding, and again before I leave the house to attend the wedding to help me focus on that instead of the other. I love my little sister and don't want to disappoint her. One of my brother in-laws has promised to take me home if I start to have any trouble dealing with everything. He said he will be looking forward to an excuse to blow the wedding off. He doesn't care much for them either because he deals with my sister's psychological damage as well. My husband refuses to attend because he can't stand my mother and step father. My half sister is nothing special to him so he has no guilt. MUST BE NICE!!!

Kindergarten Graduation

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 15:18:00 +0000

Ari's graduation was so much fun. The children were so adorable. They sang and wiggled their hearts out. I didn't taste the cake but Ari had two pieces so it must have been delicious.

Bipolar Ruins Families If Untreated

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Fri, 30 May 2008 11:42:00 +0000

I am going to be very brief I have a busy day still to go. Usually I do not like to expose my dirty secrets but how would I educate others if I didn't speak the truth about this disorder. Several years ago when my Bipolar was in the process of diagnosis I was only being treated for depression so I was taking at the time only Effexor. Well anyone who has been following my posts about Bipolar know that antidepressants are the DEVIL'S candy to Bipolar when taken without a mood stabilizer. It triggers mania in the worst way then a severe depression as a result! I almost left my husband because some dirt bag who had been hounding me for years to meet with him finally got his wish while I was deluded enough to think that it was a good idea.

I had my sordid affair with him and really felt like he was someone I wanted to spend my life with and leave my husband for. Luckily for me my husband didn't take that as a slap in his face but rather tied it into my mental illness. If it hadn't been for my oldest son at the time telling me that I was acting like a retard and that I was leaving his father for a dirt bag, I might not have stepped back and really looked at my choice. I know that it was probably psychologically damaging to my oldest son at the time but we have always been really close and I only want to make him happy. It has always been my children above my own personal wishes. Which is why I stayed married even though I felt miserable for so many years. When your brain chemicals are not working right what you would normally do goes by the way side and you act very impulsive and take risks you never would have thought of doing.

Well I have meet a very special mother who is currently going through a divorce and her husband is Bipolar. She has exposed her journey on her blog called Our Island Family Life
and she tells the hard cold facts about what happens when you have children involved in a divorce and one where a mental illness is involved. She is very brave and an inspiration to anyone who is a single parent. If you have some money to donate to help her with buying diapers, food, and paying her fuel bills please stop in and click on her donate icon. And if you don't have money please stop in and offer encouragement or your own personal experiences with a similar situation. THANKS!!

Bipolar disorder has destroyed many families because the person is not on the proper medications or receiving the proper medical care. In my case I had not seen a psychiatrist only my regular MD. It wasn't until I was over the edge with rapid cycling that I was finally advised to see one. If you want more information about Bipolar Disorder please visit the NIMH site.

Mood Clock and The Bipolar Link

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Thu, 29 May 2008 22:29:00 +0000

I just read a very interesting article and I could hardly wait to post the link to it here.

I found it at Sciencentralnews.com and it is the best article I have read so far to explain why it may be happening (Clock Gene) and now they can focus on better ways to treat Bipolar.

"Genetics researchers have striking new evidence that our biological clocks play an important role in mood disorders like manic depression."

http://www.sciencentral.com/articles/view.php3?language=english&type=&article_id=218392920

Memorial Weekend and Some Tidbits About Me

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Wed, 28 May 2008 16:03:00 +0000

The weekend really flew by and I had a great deal of time to spend with the family and our friend. We had a blast riding four wheelers, go carts, and so much more. Since I am the only woman around, I generally do not spend all of my time playing with the boy toys. I like to go four wheeling but the go carts are too brutal on my old body. Especially since we ride around the very bumpy fields with them, instead of on a paved track. The older teens were pretty sore the next day from riding for hours. I have so many nice pictures, but since I rarely show off my oldest I thought his pic would be good for a change.

While the children and men played I had some extra time to do my writing and believe me I am way behind in my writing. I am currently trying to edit my own first novel because I am too picky about having someone rewrite what I wrote. And rewriting what I wrote is slow going. Also I am working on my second novel and it has also been slow moving. With everything I have on my plate I have a hard time finding the time to write. But this past weekend I did get some writing done. Plus I decided that with the sketch book R got for his birthday, I would see if I could actually draw anything. I have never drawn anything because I just never thought I had that kind of talent. I drew a few challenging pages of sketches and I am so impressed with myself. It actually caused my husband to say....see now you can write children's books and illustrate them too because you are a natural artist. I already had an idea from last September for a children's book, actually a series of children's books. I have the first one all written now. It took me about an hour to write it on Monday. Then, I also drew up a couple of sketches for the illustrations. It should be about 15-20 pages when I am all done with it. Perfect for Kindergarten- 1st Grade. Which means that I added a new project to my list of things to accomplish over the break.

On top of that before starting to sketch I had a great third book idea. I am so excited about it I just wish I could turn out pages instantly to keep up with my thoughts. Which brings me to my beef.... I just got the operating system VISTA and it sucks for people who type fast. I will be typing steadily along and then all of a sudden the damn cursor freezes up on me and I have to wait for it to stop freezing and continue back at the last sentence I thought I had typed. Very frustrating to say the least!!!! My hubby got a laptop with Vista and I have the same problem on it. I type faster than it can keep up. I never had that problem ever with XP. I've found Vista to be very temperamental since I've started using it. I spent so much time trying to get this computer set up and to transfer my files and programs to it and it just keeps giving me new headaches. It was so bad that I didn't touch the computer for a few days because it was only making me irritable and everything I tried to get accomplished only turned into hours of non productive turmoil because I would have to fiddle with this and that to get what I wanted to work right. Hopefully it is done being temperamental. Yesterday and today it has been working great. (knocking on wood)

I try to keep up with this blog as well and find that I fall behind on it. But more so recently with all of the things going on around me. I had a couple of things that I really wanted to post today to the blog and so I have now accomplished those and can focus on my other projects. Then I have to get ready for the kids to come home and deal with school work, and house work. Some days I clean house when they aren't around and others I do it like a real working mother and clean when they are around. I do work just not at a 9-5 job. I volunteer at the school a couple of days a week as a teacher's assistant. My oldest son told me that I should sign up to be a paid teacher's assistant since many teachers tell him how wonderful I am with the kids and my techniques. (I wonder why they tell him that, instead of me?) I just don't want to corner myself and get sick again and then disappoint anyone.

Writing is what I am passionate about and can do no matter how lousy I feel. As of now, I love to do the two days a week as a volunteer, because I am not involved in the political aspect of being an employee at the school. I get to work one on one with 17 2nd grade children each day I'm there. Mostly I spend that time teaching new vocabulary and improving their reading skills, but I have also worked with them on other subjects. Reading and writing seem to be my forte with teaching young children.

I actually assisted a substitute teacher one day and I had to correct her a couple of times because she was misleading the children. I think the funniest thing I corrected her on was that she was telling the students that a penny was in the shape of a sphere. I about choked when she started explaining it to them. Trying my best not to make her look bad, I just said Mrs. L do you mean a ball instead of a penny? She quickly realized the mistake and explained that she wasn't thinking clearly that morning. I suppose she wasn't because it wasn't just the penny and sphere thing she messed up.

I wouldn't say I am the best speller in the world but I do pretty well compared to so many people I have been around. I have a couple of words that I consistently screw up. And I find that I fail miserably to do a spell check when I post to this blog or email others. When I do I am shocked to see how I only massacred a couple of words and it is usually because of the speed I am typing I don't always type things in the right way. So proofreading and editing aren't my favorite things, but when it is really important I will make the extra effort to recheck my work. I guess that is called laziness or carelessness. The other thing I struggle with is being repetitive. When you write a book you realize how easy it is to be repetitive. Even typing short pieces on this blog can seem very repetitive to me. My voice is distinct and so in casual writing I repeat somethings like the words (so, or but). It even bugs me that I have to use the word "I" over and over again.

I am going to be home schooling the two young ones over the summer because their school is under construction and they won't be having the summer academy programs they normally do. In its place I committed myself to working with the boys to replace that extra boost before going into the next grade. I have both of their teachers giving me packets to assist me over the summer break. It will not take anymore than a couple of hours a day to tutor them, but it is two hours I lose in writing a day, plus all the time I lose planning their studies.

I used to homeschool my oldest son from 2nd grade to the 7th grade because he had Tourette Syndrome, ADHD, and OCD. They were the worst during his elementary years as far as being bothersome to others and creating major social issues. Once he hit puberty the symptoms seemed to lessen significantly. I never was able to medicate because the ADHD medication actually triggered the Tourette Syndrome. The medication for the Tourette's made him look like he was on deaths door and he complained about his heart and headaches frequently. They use blood pressure medications to curb tics (Tanex and Clonodine) and there was no way on God's green earth that I was going to go the antipsychotic route with a 7 year old. Their little brains are still developing until the age of 21. I made it clear to the docs that he would not be medicated because he wasn't a violent threat to anyone just had some bothersome behaviors. All of which as his supporter, I handled very well without medications. Yes, to an extent Z suffered with the symptoms, but it could have been just as many symptoms along with the side effects of the medications. Which we had already experienced with Ritalin giving him tics and then the heart pains and death look with the Clonodine.

I may be busy most of the time, but once in a while I get time to do things I never thought I could do before. And staying busy is what keeps me sane...OK, mostly sane.

Psychic Vampires?

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Wed, 28 May 2008 13:59:00 +0000

Being a big fan of the paranormal field I recently got into iTunes just to listen to weekly podcasts of various paranormal groups out there. Of course, my favorite is "Beyond Reality Radio" with Jason and Grant from TAPS. Last night before going to bed I listened to the first hour and 20 mins of the 2 hour program and although I have heard of this phenomenon I just had a hard time understanding it fully.

I don't know about this one hundred percent but I have experienced this in stores and felt it more profoundly in public places with a great number of people. And at home with my spouse I get this. A psychic vampire is not as horrific as it sounds, and it is even seems very similar to the phenomenon known as being empathic, and on the same lines as what a reiki healer has to deal with when taking on other's energy (negative, pain, ect...).

Perhaps a great deal of what we manage in our daily life can be sucking the life right out of us...making us sicker and sicker because we are not grounding the negative energies and instead keeping them bottled up inside! People in this world may be psychic vampires and not even know it. They are the people that you are around and feel incredibly uneasy around, or you will feel drained, and even end up ill (physically and/or mentally).

Whenever, I go to a store I have to be sure to eat afterwards because it just tends to zap me of so much energy that I have to refuel with food or I am like a cranky, over tired, hungry child. I've always felt like something was preying on me in the stores..not all the time but a great number of times. After listening to Michelle Belanger speak about psychic vampires it just helped me to understand some of the energies that suck the life out of me.

I now believe that my husband is a psychic vampire and I am almost 100% positive about it after listening to the show. I can be feeling fine all day but when he comes home I start to feel tension and sickness as if he brought a demon home with him. He doesn't do this to me every single day, but it is 4 out of 5 work days that he comes home and I feel like total crap when he gets through the door. Also he is a sexual vacuum cleaner. He craves it more than the average male, and gets highly irritable when he doesn't get that kind of energy and closeness from me. After sex I am fully drained and fall right to sleep (even if I play opossum). Not him, he is wired and has a hard time sleeping. So the program kind of steers me to this ideal.

What can I do about the way he sucks the life out of me? I have to ground my energy and as soon as he gets home I need to be blocking his talons. I am not sure how to do this without making my husband's attitude worse when he gets home. He never comes home in a good mood he comes home irritable and just overwhelmed. If he calls home I feel as though he has taken some of me down a notch. When I have to call him for something it seems that he also takes me down. It almost feels like codependency in nature. When he has other projects to take care of he obsesses over them and it pulls more of my energy out to compensate for his lack of sleep. It is really annoying. The ways that I have dealt with it has been through the use of meditation and self hypnosis to reground my attitude and energy. It is like I get it back. However, I have also had the experience where I give out my energy to the universe and am so relaxed and drained that sleep is what helps to reground that life loss. When I am in deep prayer it is as if I am willing my health or complete sympathy/empathy to another person and taking theirs on. I need to learn how to ground their illness and problem I take on so that it doesn't make me sick too.

The other side to the coin is that with my illness I can affect other people around me as well. So I am also a psychic vampire when I am in depression or in severe mania. I am sure I rob the energy out of everyone around me when I get into those severe highs and lows.

If you want to hear a good program about psychic vampires go to the MySpace site for "Beyond Reality Radio" Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson just interviewed a woman Michelle Belanger. It is in the archive but it is the last radio broadcast from 5-24-08 labeled Robb Demerest and Michelle Belanger.

It is about 40 minutes into the radio show when Michelle speaks.

http://www.myspace.com/beyondrealityradio

If you have iTunes account you can get a free subscription to Beyond Reality Radio and it is a weekly podcast. Then you can go to the 40 minute mark to start listening to her segment instead of listening to the first 40 minutes with Robb Demerest who heads up the Ghost Hunters International program. On iTtunes it is dated 5-25 program. It should download as soon as you subscribe.

Also Michelle has a website and has written many books on vampires. I assume they are all on psychic vampires, but not sure if she has some other vampire stories since she mentioned blood drinkers (Ewwww...):

http://www.michellebelanger.com/

Better UP Than DOWN?

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Thu, 22 May 2008 19:34:00 +0000

Although the kids had a blast I was disheartened and sorry that I had the party at all. First of all in my house my husband makes all of the financial decisions and he is also in charge of my finances. It is frustrating only on occasion, and this is one of those occasions. P bought all of the birthday party supplies and forgot a few important items. No candles and no balloons. Call me old fashioned but candles are a common occurrence with birthday cake. Ok, I was good I didn't say anything about it nor did I say anything about the missing balloons cause I was more worried about the house. Secretly I was a little upset about not having any party favors for the kids, and I just let it all fester. It seemed like I was expressing it in a non verbal way. Most men are just not as concerned about parties, even if he is better than most it doesn't help to ease my stress. I am spoiled as most would call it, he cooks and he shops. He cooks because I hate it and he likes to eat more than I do. He shops because I spend three times what he does. With all the money he spent on vehicle down payments we are a little tight so I didn't want to nit pick the finances when he chewed my butt up and down for buying my sister lunch a week prior. Yeah, I bought her a $10.00 lunch....shoot me! I got the third degree about how I spent money that would have fed my kids and how he was going to hide all the cash from me so that I couldn't spend any of it without his prior approval. P is really no fun sometimes....he takes all the joy out of life.

It is natural to want to say that I am better up than down, however in the middle is where I should be. I'd like to say that I am back in the middle today! Thanks Perphila for your comment about the insanity of cleaning for guests. I know I shouldn't complain, but really I just get frustrated some days when I realize that I have crossed over the line of normalcy and into Lune Town! The last thing I want is to be acting like a monger before a party. Perhaps I should be focusing on how well I am to have the energy to have a party in the first place. At one time in my illness there would have been no party at all and no family stress would have been an option. I just don't need something like that pushing me over the edge, and I get so angry that I get in my car and leave everyone to deal with the party and preparations on their own. Oh...Don't think that didn't cross my mind at one point. After all the party wasn't for me, but for the 8 year old that really didn't seem to care enough to clean up the toys I told him to clean up, ect... The last thing I spewed was that he would never have another party and that included a graduation party. The funny part about it was that I didn't even get a retort for saying that. Kids seem to know when you say things under duress you don't really mean it. Little wise apples!

Class Party, BP Catatonia

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Tue, 20 May 2008 14:58:00 +0000

The Cool Birthday BOY! Having his cupcake, chocolate cake with butter creme frosting. Yummy! They had cool "Pirates Of The Caribbean" rings on top of them. Some kids had just a logo on them and others had a big skull it was a real fierce battle for the kids to accept that they all couldn't have a skull. What a way to get kids riled up.

As I have spoke in other posts we had party fever. The next post I will talk about Russ's birthday party and all the Bipolar trauma that goes along with preparing for guests.

Before I could hit publish my mother calls and I end up spending a great amount of time trying to help her figure out over the phone how to save her Grandmother's handwritten diary into a pdf file instead of jpeg. After figuring it out she decides that it takes too long to copy that way so she is going to stay with the picture format. Essentially she got her answer and it ended up wasting my writing time.

She also told me that I over think my Bipolar. So now I am spewing my frustration out on this blog. As if all mother's act as crazy as I do before getting ready for parties. I told her that it was not what Pete thinks is normal behavior getting ready for a party. She just pushed it away and I just shut down because I already know that a great deal of my psychological trauma has to do with how that woman raised me. However, in shutting down I will not continue to describe the seriousness of the behaviors because she just passes them off as nothing.

Is it really normal to take everything out of your cupboards and scrub them and reorganize on top of regular cleaning? Is it normal to obsess with a toothbrush and fester about the fact that your spouse will not let you get some new paint up on the walls, or do anything to make the house look better. Is it normal to hate everything about your house and storm around like a deranged lunatic because no one is lifting a finger to help you clean? Damn it! I said I would wait to post the party details in the next post. I do not have those pictures downloaded yet, so was going to wait.

Maybe it is normal to act crazy under stress, but to what extent it is the Bipolar? I guess people only thing it is a problem when I am in the hospital. Only my husband thinks it is a problem almost everyday. In and out of trances, snapping everyone's head off if they don't do as I command. I don't know? It definately doesn't feel normal to me to behave so irrationally and walk around or sit like a zombie showing signs of catonia. I don't know somedays I feel like I have all the answers and other days I feel like I don't have any. Having someone who doesn't support you and it seems you are always supporting them really is hard on the self esteem. It feels like they really don't care about me only what they can get from me.

I have to learn to deal with my disorder but it seems everyone around me wants to be ignorant and make up excuses. Pete is the only one who sees it for what it really is and knows exactly where the source is coming from. The problem is that I have to live a life even if it is not normal to the most normal as possible and unfortunately he is there when I am in the Catatonia, and when he is that makes him angry with whatever the stressor is that triggered it. He makes it worse because he will yell at me for allowing myself to get bogged down with other peoples problems. That I am infecting everyone in our household with it.

Great now I feel like crap about myself! Not what I wanted to accomplish here today.

Birthday Fever

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Wed, 14 May 2008 23:24:00 +0000

In the picture the Jeep Liberty is Zach's 18th birthday gift and the kid who was jipped out of his WII and ended up with a lame RC airplane, is today's birthday boy Russell. My how the time flies. I can not believe he is already 8 years old.

Times goes by so quickly.

The birthday boy had his favorite pizza supper and his new toy. Tomorrow we are doing cupcakes at school since I will be there to volunteer (it saves me some gas money), and on Saturday is the official party. He has a few friends coming from school, cousins, and the old folks (those over 18) attending. Zach will be 18 in three weeks. I am toooooooo old! OMG I feel my knees aching and my bones creeking... ahhhhhhhhhh.............lol.

Love my kids lots! This morning I greeted My Birthday Boy with 8 spankings for good luck and two pinches to grow two inches. I made him a special card and I told him if I had a million dollars I would put it in there for him. Then he could have the WII. He is so smart.... Mom it doesn't cost a million dollars to buy a WII.

Life Ends For Us All But Then What?

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Wed, 14 May 2008 16:20:00 +0000

When my grandmother died in 2000 I was devastated she had been the closest thing to a real mother I had ever had. Every night when I left her side toward the end of her life, I wondered if I would see her one more day. I was fortunate to keep her going for almost a year. I was never the same person after losing her.

When Nickelback came out with the song "Far Away" I connected it to her. If you've ever lost someone in your life that meant the whole world to you then you will understand what I mean. I lived a good part of my life with my grandmother and she was and I mean this whole heartedly, "THE GREATEST". God truly blessed me with someone wonderful when the rest of the world was ugly!!

I love you so much Grandma!

I have three boys, one is going to be an adult in a few weeks. My second son has turned 8 years old today and he is my reminder of how long it has been since I lost my grandmother. Shortly after he was born she died. So, as he gets older I recall how many years I have had to live without her in my life. I am spiritual as some of you who read my blog might have picked up subtly.

I believe in the afterlife and am fascinated with learning all I can about the paranormal. I am sensitive but not as highly attuned as my soon to be 18 year old. For all the years my grandmother has been dead I have subconsciously not vocally heard her say things that would associate her with me. I don't know for certain if it is a defense mechanism for my survival but it is the greatest source of comfort never the less. I have seen two ghosts in my life time both of which I believe now to have been residual spirits. They did not interact with me they did their own thing like a tape recording just walking at the place they always have. One was a hospital I was working in, I saw the ghost walk from one room into the shower room in a hospital gown. I knew it looked like a ghost but I couldn't believe it till I went to inspect the rooms myself. On the unit I was working we had only one ambulatory resident and she was sound asleep at the other end of the hall.

The second happened in my own home. I was coming down stairs and I saw what I thought was my oldest son walking into the hallway downstairs toward his bedroom, he made no sound just a normal walk past the base of the stairs into the hallway. It was a real shocker because Z was outside working with his father. I called his name for a response and I didn't get one. In a very scared to death way I wondered if someone was in the house, but I was brave enough to call out again and just listen. I figured the guy would have come out by now so I braved it and went down the hall to inspect the rooms and there wasn't a sole around. There was no way for them to escape because the windows are too small down stairs for anyone larger than a 5 year old to fit through and I would have heard the window opening.

My husband has a difficult time believing me about the guy in our house because it was built in the 1970's. At that point in my life I knew very little about ghosts just that they were around. After watching Ghost Hunters and researching other paranormal information I realized that it didn't matter what age the house is, it only mattered if something took place before on the property or close to it. We have a newer home but the old homes are long torn down and gone. Most of our road is shared with state land. If you walk through the state lands you will see all of the old house foundations and a barn or two, still half intact. They are less than a quarter mile from my house. I've seriously thought about doing some research but I am kind of worried that I won't be able to find what I am looking because I do live in nowhere's ville with a bunch of redneck woodchucks that I am not so sure will help me get the information I need. But, if I have time when the kids are older then I will waste some of it hunting for past clues.

Anyway, through the ghostly encounters I am hopeful that what my grandma says in my mind is not only a comforting mechanism but also the real deal. The fragmented thoughts may actually be real communication. I have asked for physical signs and she has pulled through for me, but she hasn't appeared to me. So until I have definite proof the subconscious communication is only a source of comfort and the signs coincidental.

Staying Mostly Stable

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Fri, 09 May 2008 14:27:00 +0000

I decided to write this article to explain some of the stressors that have been taking place in my life. It has been sometime since I posted a real article to the blog, and today is the day that I have forced myself to get back on the computer, so that I can relax rather than trying to help family, the direct community, or deal with the never ending house work; and for now it can all wait. Unfortunately, I am still here to do it so I’m not going anywhere to escape the daily pressures. If I have given you the impression that I am going to whine about my life, I apologize because that is not really where I am taking you on in this post.

To begin with I have felt very mixed lately either up or down never really in between. For the better part I have been so restless that I was looking for anything to keep myself busy outside of the house. All winter long I have been cooped up inside and really just sick so often that I was miserable to fair for the better part of the season. Spring has really brought me into life again. I don’t want to be in front of the computer in my little room with no windows typing away senselessly to keep from going insane. Really I am an outdoors person or at least I should be more often. Spring is my favorite time of year and I think it is because I appreciate seeing the trees come to life again, the grass gets green, and all the beautiful flowers start blooming again. I am just in heaven with the outdoor activity. Of course, the bugs can find some place else to live instead of harassing me every time I step out the door for a walk.

What I started to notice recently, is that when I am out of the house doing something I feel so much healthier and emotionally balanced. As soon as I walk in the door I start to feel low again. Although I have a great deal of family tensions it is not just tension that stems from my own household. It is other family members outside of my home that have me worried about my own health. There has been a great number of doctor appointments for my children, changing doctors, and referrals to specialists, and setting my oldest son up for SAT’s and ACT exams, the prom, tons of field trips for all the kids, my sister’s wedding, keeping the kids organized, the house clean and organized, helping another sister with her family problems, my brother with his family problems, and my vounteer work has increased. I realize that I am truly healthy right now. If I weren’t I would have been a basket case and crawling into bed to avoid the emotional stressors that always overwhelmed me in the past.

But, I just don’t understand the way I feel so different when I am away from home versus when I am out of the house doing something, lately anything to get out of the house because I feel better that way. I realize that I could be hypo and to some extent, I think I am but at the same time I feel healthy because I am more active than normal. I don’t feel so lethargic and sick like normal. Today, I am not going to fall into the trap of labeling myself with this or that end of the Bipolar Spectrum because I don’t want to psych my brain into worrying about myself for nothing. I have family tell me all the time now how healthy I am and how well I am doing. Well Yeah! Compared to most of my life I am better. I wish I could be 1000% percent better, yeah I said 1000 it is not a typo. But women by nature are moody so what I have now seems more normal.

I am sensitive and that is something I am afraid will never change, but I think that is what makes me feel alive instead of numb. If you have never been severely depressed or taken antidepressants without a mood stabilizer as a Bipolar you may not understand what I mean by feeling numb (emotion less). You don’t care about life, you are only existing, really you are just a shell without a soul. After deciding on my own to quit taking antidepressants because they only made me feel worse, I stayed on only the mood stabilizer and it made a huge difference in my life. I started to feel again and it felt good even if it was overwhelming at first since I had gone a couple of years without feeling the normal emotional responses to watching a sad movie or hearing bad news. Tears actually felt good.

Lamictal was my answer to stabilization. It helped me with the severe depression and with the rapid cycling I was constantly battling. I have more low mania than I used to but I feel that the Klonopin is helping that problem. It just relaxes my mind enough so that the things that torment me while I am trying to sleep don’t do it so much. It wears off in the middle of the night, but at least I am getting solid sleep up to that point where before I wasn’t getting any solid sleep at all. If I start to feel like the anxiety is getting the better of me I take it. The new medication couldn’t have happened at a better time in my life. What a difference new medication makes. But I still have to work very hard at keeping it all together when I am not feeling at ease.

For anyone out there reading this post if you aren’t feeling right talk with your psychiatrist and see if one of your medications is causing you trouble, or you need to try something different, make sure you get out of the house more often now that the weather is better, try not to take on too many projects at once, reduce life changing events as much as possible, exercise daily (it releases tension), eat right (make sure what you drink and eat won’t flush out the medications from your system too soon, such as antioxidants) minimize the caffeine and sugars (they compound the feelings of anxiety), do some daily relaxation technique to keep your mind balanced and release tension. HOT TIP: If you have a great deal of tension in your body before going to bed, to relax you can do meditation or a form of self hypnosis will help you wind down to sleep. The key is to have a program that helps you with deep breathing and one that focuses on relaxing your body from head to toe, it is essential to releasing the tension. If you are achy or sore from the tension take a pain medication approved by your physician. I take over the counter ibuprofen if the tension has made me so sore I can not relax to sleep.

Till the next time, I hope you are all getting the help you need to feel as close to normal as you can be. May you find relaxation from the tension and pressures of life.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION ABOUT BIPOLAR DISORDER

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Wed, 30 Apr 2008 22:57:00 +0000

If you are interested in learning about pharmacology 101 for Bipolar disorder then you need to listen to Dr. Preston and Julie Fast. It is very, very informative and it reaffirms my message about antidepressants triggering rapid cycling when taken without a mood stabilzer and the rats in a lab taking medication after medication that cause such horrible side effects no one wants to take them.

http://www.juliefast.com/radio.php

If you have BP you have to educate yourself and your family and friends it is a matter of life and death!!!!

-BPSerenity

A Letter to Friends & Family
About Bipolar Disorder

by Julie A. Fast

April 29, 2008 BipolarHappens.com Newsletter

In This Issue

A Letter to Friends & Family
About Bipolar Disorder
News Release

I receive so many letters asking how a person with bipolar disorder can get a loved one to accept the diagnosis- I see comments such as, "I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder but my dad says I just need to get a job. Or, "My mother gets on my case for needing my meds and says that I should take care of things on my own."

So I had an idea. If people who doubt the diagnosis won't listen to the person they care about, maybe they will listen to me. I wrote the following letter so that you can send it to anyone you like - copy it to family, friends, health care professionals, etc. Use it wisely- you don't want to be seen as making excuses. If they are receptive, you can then send them my books. I suggest Loving for partners and Take Charge for family members. If they are really receptive (miracles happen!), you can all use the Health Cards together. As with all of my work, please use it exactly as written with my contact information intact. Good luck and definitely let me know how it works out.

Hello,

My name is Julie Fast and I have bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed with the illness in 1995 at age 31. I created a treatment plan in 1999 that is now used by people all over the world to manage the illness. I have been close to suicide too many times to count and have had destructive manic episodes since the age of 17. I'm the author of Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder, Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder and Get it Done When You're Depressed. I wrote all of these books when I was depressed and often psychotic.

Bipolar disorder is a rotten illness.

I'm writing you on behalf of a person who cares about you very much. This person has been diagnosed with the illness bipolar disorder and is concerned you may not understand the reality and seriousness of the diagnosis. I hope that reading this letter can open a window of understanding to help you see that although bipolar disorder can look like someone is faking, whining, lying, making excuses, causing you trouble, making waves, being weak or just making it all up, it's not. It's a illness that originates in the brain. It's a physical illness that comes out in emotional ways, which is why it's so hard for people to understand.

Here are some interesting details about bipolar disorder:

- As with any major illness, people with bipolar disorder share the same symptoms- the symptoms are so similar for people around the world that I can list what a person says, thinks and does during certain mood swings without knowing them. This is quite a party trick! Thus, it's not random emotional behavior that causes problems, but a very structured set of symptoms that lead to a bipolar disorder diagnosis.

- Bipolar disorder is under diagnosed because of the reasons you may feel it isn't real- it looks like those of us with the illness just need to get a handle on our emotions! The problem is that we can't without the proper treatment. If we could handle our emotions, then the overwhelming symptoms of bipolar disorder would be easy to manage.

- Bipolar disorder affects an estimated 17,000,000 million people in the US alone. I think this is a ridiculously low number as I meet people with a bipolar diagnosis almost everywhere I go. It's important to get this into perspective- it's estimated that around one million people in the US have HIV/Aids - one million. Compare that to the 17 million who have bipolar disorder. You probably know a lot more about AIDS than bipolar, but the chance of your knowing someone with AIDS is very slim. You already know someone with bipolar disorder and they need your help.

Bipolar disorder has killed far, far more people in the US than AIDS.

- Bipolar disorder as an illness has not increased in the past 50 years, but there is a lot more awareness these days which makes it seem like doctors are going crazy with the diagnosis! Awareness is a good thing- the diagnoses are real.

- I write treatment plans and can't survive without one, but there is a fact that no one with the illness can deny:
Without medications, the life quality for a person with bipolar disorder is very, very low.
This means that most people with bipolar disorder need medication treatment. Just as people with cancer need chemotherapy.

- All people with bipolar disorder will struggle with relationship issues, work problems, physical health, parenting, cooking, going to school, thinking, traveling, etc, etc at some point in their lives. We all get overwhelmed very easily. Our struggles, as you may have noticed are far more emotional and often out of control than what is considered the norm.

- Anything that causes an emotional response can lead to a bipolar disorder mood swing. Think of it this way- if our lives are a teeter totter- with our stable selves in the middle, we all have to struggle to keep our lives in balance. Get a picture of that teeter totter in your mind and then put a 10 ton weight on one side and see how hard it will be to find the middle stability. That is what it's like to have bipolar disorder- it's a ten ton weight that we didn't ask for. If it were golf, our handicap would be off the charts!

When the weight is too heavy and the balance is too hard, people kill themselves to get out of the pain.

- Up to 20% of people with bipolar disorder kill themselves. I get letters from family members quite often thanking me for my work - and then giving me the news that their son, daughter, father, mother, lover, grandmother, etc has died. They thank me because they know that we all tried to help the person who had the illness called bipolar disorder- but the illness won. Just as cancer wins sometimes. Suicide is NOT a weakness. It's an outcome of an illness that was just too strong. The 10 ton weight on their shoulders was just too much.

As you can imagine, I could go on forever here, but I do have a final question:
If someone who loves you has said they have bipolar disorder and you have your doubts of the diagnosis- or even feel that the whole thing is a sham, why do you feel they have told you the news?

They have told you because they are scared and need your love and support. Bipolar disorder is an illness that has been documented for over 2000 years. It's a killer- just as cancer is a killer. The medications can be harsh and without support, the person with bipolar disorder can lead a life of constant hell. It needs treatment and the best way for treatment to work is through education especially for the people who love us.

I recently asked my mailing list to send in questions for my radio show- my mother was the guest and I wanted to get an idea of what information they needed. Hundreds of people replied and many people asked how they could get someone they cared about to believe the diagnosis and give them help, especially around medications. This is why I wrote this

I encourage you to let go of your anger, frustration, sadness and disbelief - these feelings are all normal by the way- and see bipolar disorder for what it is- a very serious illness. Someone you love has bipolar disorder and they need your help. The rest is up to you.

My new radio program- the Julie Fast Show is on every Sunday at 3PM Pacific here in the States. More information on the Julie Fast Radio Show Here or copy and paste this URL into your web browser:

www.juliefast.com/radio.php

Useful Links

Visit Julie's Blog
subscribe to the blog by RSS feed

The Bipolarhappens Website

Develop your plan and create peace of mind.

The Health Cards Treatment System gives everyone involved the tools needed to educate and create an action plan for you and your loved ones.

You can learn to manage your life with bipolar disorder.

Medications alone are not enough.

More about the Health Cards
System Here

===========================

You now have permission to reprint "Bipolar Happens" Newsletter articles and blogs on your web site, in your e-zine or share them with your support groups, forward to friends, or print copies for your health care providers.

Publishing Requirements: Each article must be reprinted in its full form, with no changes. Please include the following byline at the end of each article.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Julie A. Fast
best selling author of Take Charge of Bipolar Disorder and Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder and Get It Done When You're Depressed is a critically acclaimed six-time author, award winning bipolar disorder advice columnist, national speaker, and sought after expert in the fields of bipolar disorder and depression. Julie's work specializes in helping people manage all aspects of their daily lives -despite the complications that bipolar disorder creates. To learn how to personalize a plan to help yourself or a loved one find and create stability that ensures the quality of life that we all deserve, visit: BipolarHappens.com

================================

Knowledge about bipolar disorder

Did you know this information? It's essential that we educate ourselves on every part of bipolar disorder. This is how we can make sure we, or someone we care about gets the best treatment. Knowledge about bipolar disorder is power over the illness!

Contact Us

To ensure delivery of our newsletters please be sure comments@bipolarhappens.com is in your address book , buddy lists and is added to your email white list.

Newsletter Archive

All of my newsletters are accessible on the blog. When you get this newsletter, you can follow the blog link... to look at the new blog entries and find any newsletters you may have missed. www.bipolarhappens.com/bhblog/

Julie A. Fast www.bipolarhappens.com

Julie Fast - www.BipolarHappens.com
P.O. Box 86728
Portland, OR
97286
US

4 Rules For Life

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Mon, 28 Apr 2008 23:51:00 +0000

DRINK, STEAL, SWEAR & LIE

I met this guy while I was in Seattle and he has
a motto he lives by everyday. He said listen carefully and
live by these 4 rules : Drink, Steal, Swear, & Lie.
I was shaking my head 'no', but he then told me to listen
while he explained his four rules. So here they are :

1.. "Drink" from the "everlasting cup" every day.

2.. "Steal" a moment to help someone that is in worse shape
than you are.

3.. "Swear" that you will be a better person today than
yesterday.

4.. And last, but not least, when you "lie" down at night
thank God you live in the U.S. and have freedom.

I am not as good as I should be, I am not as good
as I could be. but THANK GOD
I am better than I used to be !

This came in an email and I couldn't resist posting the wisdom!

Children Are Precious, I Love Spring, and Bipolar Medication Idea

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Sat, 26 Apr 2008 21:01:00 +0000

A few days ago my younger sons came indoors with some daffodils for me. It is so nice to see beautiful flowers especially in the hands of two young men. This is my favorite time of year. I love SPRING. It is the renewal of all things outdoors from months of seeing all brown no leaves or green for 7 months that just sparks a flame in your soul. I love to see the color green and yellow. My two favorite colors. Getting outdoors to do things that you haven't been able to do all winter long is just so liberating. I don't realize how many things there are to do when the weather is nice enough to get out more often.

Every night this past week the weather was so nice that as soon as the kids came home we ate supper and then the boys played outdoors till 7p, then came in for showers, homework, snack, and bedtime. So we are not getting as much sleep as we normally get but that is alright we want to enjoy other things in life besides sleeping it all away. That is what winter is for.

I just wish my mood was better without medications. I feel sad even though I have so much to be happy for. I have been taking the new medication and it seems to work but it is only as good as when I am taking it. I do not get drowsy instead I feel more energetic but no irritability. It is easy to see why something that makes you feel alive and well would be so addictive. Now what I want to know is why is it so bad to feel like a human being if a medication works? The only beef I have with it is that because it is an only as needed drug it is not constant in my blood stream so then when I am in an episode where I need it right away it takes way too long for it to hit my blood stream to calm me down.

Which is why I was thinking the other day as I spoke to a friend who's husband is Bipolar that so many people who have our problem find marijuana a great source of self medication, because it calms you down immediately so that you are not still explosive. I do not smoke it but I did at one time and I do know that in past times that is why I did self medicate because it was instant come down off the out of control ready to lash out at anything that set me the wrong way. This was long before anyone was telling me I had Bipolar Disorder and that is why I was so emotionally unbalanced.

As a mom though you don't want that stuff around your children and by law it is still illegal. So I think it would be great if pharmaseuticals thought about making medications for BP's in an inhalation form, why not have an antipsychotic inhaler? It is the quickest route to the blood stream and brain. Because in a moment you need something to instantly calm you down and lower the levels of irritation, rage, and suicidal??? Good Idea????? I hate needles so I won't suggest self injections.

Hope you are all enjoying the weather!

Amber Alert

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 00:12:00 +0000

Amber Alert Issued for 3 Illinois Children
Posted: Monday April 21 7:16 PM CT

The Illinois State Police issued the Amber Alert on Monday afternoon after the children's mother was found murdered in their Chicago home. The children have not been seen since Friday afternoon, April 18th.

Oscar Casanova is a Hispanic male, approximately 6 years old 4 foot and weighs 60 pounds,with dark brown hair and brown eyes.

Karla Casanova a white hispanic 7 year old female, who is 4foot 1 inches,and weighs 75 pounds, with brown hair and brown eyes.

Fernando Casanova is a white hispanic 11 year old boy, who is 5foot and weighs 130 pounds, with brown hair and brown eyes.

The suspect is Benito O Casanova, white hispanic 32 year old male, 6 foot 1 inches, 230 pounds, with brown hair and brown eye.

The suspect vehicle is a 2002 silver/gray Dodge Dakota with Illinois license 86196HB.

Anyone with any information on this abduction is asked to call 911.

Managing Bipolar Disorder

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 15:27:00 +0000

The above link is a decent article on managing BP on the Revolution Health Website.

Reasons Why I Hate Social Security

noreply@blogger.com (BPSerenity) — Tue, 22 Apr 2008 13:29:00 +0000

THE #1 Reason I hate Social Security, is the PAPERWORK BULLSHIT!

The #2 Reason, they send you notices without sending you the forms to fill out so you have to go online and print them out yourself (My Printer is OUT OF INK so I am extra touchy) or you wait on eternal hold on the telephone only to be told that it will take them blankety, blank days (7 days) for a form to be mailed because they are in some GOD FORSAKEN state in the US but they think and act like they are in Timbuktu!

The #3 Reason, the person on the phone will tell you one thing and when you call the third party as they recommended you get a whole other story of how SS won't let them do exactly what SS said they could do...I should get a job there because any retard can get a job answering questions in the GOVERNMENT about the GOVERNMENT! I'll just make shit up as I go along. The old fake it till you make it.

Sorry but damn them for making me MANIC as hell right now. I don't know whether to scream or cry!

I guess I'll just drive 16 miles to the store to get a new ink cartridge for my printer and stop whining! I think I will do some meditation first before I get in the car and drive with rage...lol. (I am a safe and conscientious driver, and I am feeling relaxed, and in control, and everything is going to be just fine....deep breath in and out!) My mantra for the moment.

Really, I am grateful for the social security benefits but seriously this day has spawned my hate for the way they operate.

Hope you all are doing well and better than me emotionally today!