Stale Chips Warm Beer

Thinking about the future is hard

2020-08-23T20:47:00.005-05:00

Clearly I am just the best at remembering things.

And that's kinda the theme for today. I am very much an in-the-moment kind of person. I had to be reminded every day to do chores when I was a kid, and my mom always said "How can you forget, you need to do it every day!" But I never thought of it that way. The only time I've done maintenance cleaning is in restaurants, but that's because restaurants are filthy and they absolutely need to be cleaned daily. I've always had trouble building habits because I legitimately do not remember that I am trying to build a habit. I've only ever been able to build habits due to outside reinforcements. Then again, pretty much as soon as those reinforcements are gone, so is the habit.

I'm also one of those people who's nearly always been slightly above average at most things I've tried, combined with having a good idea of where my skills lie and using that to pick my battles carefully. Therefore, I have no idea how to practice. Like, at all. Or, more correctly, I don't really feel the need to perfect anything. Baking, for example. I don't do recipes, and that works for me. But, if I find something that works, I'll wait til the next time I feel like making it to improve. And by then, I might have a similar-but-different idea that doesn't necessarily use the same things I wanted to fix. The only thing I've "perfected" is an eggnog recipe, and the reason it's been perfected is because my dad and I made it a project for like 5 Christmases. Again, outside reinforcements. That's part of why I did so badly in college. I never do homework. I go to class and do great, I go to labs and do great, I test very well...and just can't remember to do homework. Even though it's an every day thing.

So that bit of background brings us to the point of this post: now I'm having to plan for the future and I don't know what I'm doing. I'm having to get information and apply it long term. I'm having to remind myself daily to do things that have very little effect in the short term but will set me up later. It's really really hard. I might need to write myself a daily to-do list. Actually, I might do that. I remember things I've written down pretty well, so maybe that would actually help. I'm flying blind and flapping my arms furiously hoping to at least slow the descent. The people in my life are either the same way but more settled in their lives or they don't really understand what my problem is and can't really give me any advice that's helpful. Behavioral therapy is probably the solution but I'm poor and also I don't want to waste time having the shrink tell me what I already know haha. I don't know. Probably just need to suck it up and do it.

To sum up: It's always better to right yourself before you're drowning, but if you're already drowning for god's sake do something. There's several ways to try and orient yourself; pick one, then all you gotta do is paddle.

Gotta look out for #1

2020-08-16T00:27:00.005-05:00

...I really should've put an alarm on my calendar. Whoops. Ah well, live and learn.

I have been dealing with...things, lately. Mainly, the idea that no one will look out for you if you don't.

And I don't mean that in a bad way. I'm not saying that everyone is out to get you, or that you have to constantly be on guard, just...you know yourself best. The people around you aren't psychic, they're just making their best guess. And unless you're telling them what you need, they're gonna get something wrong.

So, couple of different conclusions I've come to. 1) You can be too understanding, and 2) Communication is key.

1) I've been working somewhere, in what was supposed to be a new career for me. A small business, moving to a new location and needing new people. Then, there were some problems and I was asked to come down early. It would be a bit of an intermediary situation, as the business was still in the process of moving, so it wouldn't be as much pay and benefits wouldn't be set up yet. Now we're 9 months in and it's the same pay and the benefits are either not coming or not ready yet. And, yes, some of that is due to corona, but it's not the main reason. And I've been quiet about it because of this other reason. I've been understanding. And now I've been down here 9 months and I'm running out of savings and I'm not making enough to get my own place so I'm still in my "temporary" housing and I'm not sure if they really think this is ok or if it should have been fixed ages ago but because I didn't say anything no one realized? And now I'm stuck trying to figure out how to say hey this is not what I was told it would be wtf without casting blame. And these are people I'm close to, so I know they aren't meaning to screw me over...but I'm still getting screwed. Because I put a higher emphasis on being understanding than on taking care of myself.

2) My housing situation is likewise...strained. The plan was to be here for like 2 months to get settled, but then I came down about 4 months early. I figured they realized that giving up on 4 months of higher pay with benefits (and, since I was staying at my dad's house, no rent) also meant giving up on 4 months of savings for this move and new life setting-up. And, since I hadn't had time to search for housing, I was really counting on their word that there would be things in my price range for me. And then I get down here, and...there isn't. I'm not making a lot of money, so sticking to the 1/3 or less of your monthly pay in rent is even more critical. I have a large, unpersonable, fluffy dog. I don't want a roommate, and I don't know anyone down here to live with. The cheapest apartment I've found is a studio for half my monthly pay, and I'd have to lie about/hide my dog. I'm not in a position to buy a house, and even if I was about the only things that would be in my price range are either in retirement communities or in mobile home parks where the lot rent puts it out of my reach. So, again, not a deliberate screwing over, but here I am stuck nonetheless.

There's more thought behind this, but those are kind of the main points. Now I have to like, man up and have some hard conversations and, annoyingly, I'm gonna have to be the one to make it non-confrontational. But, I'm the one who has to make sure I'm taken care of so I need as much information on my situation as I can get, and you don't get good information when emotions are high. The realization that the people involved are not looking after me as much as I've been trying to look after them came...suddenly, and under extreme circumstances and things have been tense. I've been very much out of my element with all this, as I am not terribly emotional on the whole, and I'm trying to get back to my inner Spock to deal with everything.

To sum up: be sure enough in yourself to know what you need, be confident enough to say whether you're getting what you need, and be secure enough in your circumstance to feel comfortable speaking frankly. If you aren't sure, confident, or comfortable, change things until you are. And that goes for any situation, not just work. If you find yourself being accommodating to your detriment, that's not compromise. It's not unfixable, but it's not ok to leave it that way. If you want to have control of your life, you have to take the responsibility that comes with it.

And now I'm going to quit because I'm just rambling. I'm still solidifying my own thoughts so that makes sense at least.

Stale Chips, Warm Beer

2020-07-25T20:08:00.000-05:00

Stale Chips, Warm Beer started as a way to get out all those little ideas that come to you when you can't sleep, when you've nothing in your pantry but a half-empty bag of old chips, when you have one can of beer left that's been left out all day. Unfortunately, it was also started at a time in my life where that really was all I had going for me, so it didn't really go anywhere. Older and if not wiser, at least calmer, I want to give this another go.

The idea is to put little snippets of stories, rants, shower thoughts, whatever I'm thinking about on here to work on my writing skills. I'm terrible at self-motivation, so if I pretend to have an audience expecting something on a time schedule, I'm more likely to stick to that schedule. I have several post topics lined up, but they're mostly rant-based so I'll try to space those out so they aren't so bad. Any story-type things will not be in any kind of order anytime soon, but I would like to eventually serialize a story.

Anyway, since I'm posting this on a Saturday I suppose that'll be my post day.

-Figment