Stand Against The Waves

So what do we do now....

2024-11-06T17:29:00.000-08:00

Now that the dust has settled upon this election and the celebrations are going on, I am reflecting on several things. I was looking at the exit polls and well, honestly seeing that Blacks pretty much were in lockstep in trying to save this nation from what's coming. Granted there were a few stragglers and honestly, it does not shock me. They just need to be identified and banned from every family function, cookout, spades tournament and domino game. It's clearly like Kendrick Lamar said, they Not Like Us and totally suffer from Uncle Russ Syndrome. And for those others who contributed to voting blue. It is appreciated. So please understand what I'm about to say does not apply to you.

But what we gonna do right now is just let those who wanted this country have it. We are done trying. I know I am. If you want this Christian Nationalism Project 2025 Nonsense. Just wait to until you see your healthcare gone, wait to see all your reproductive rights gone, let's see all your preventive medicine evaporate. Those taxes breaks you think you are getting will not happen. He said the same things before and it will not happen. When the Executive Branch is dissolved to only the President and the Department of Justice and he becomes a dictator on day 1 (Which he totally will do make no fucking mistake) You can kiss the Department of Education goodbye. Commerce will go away. Because I'm sure that we will not be doing any types of business with anyone overseas. Those tariffs about to screw you royally. Didn't learn how those work did you. You gonna let a person with a brainworm in his head run HHS and get kickbacks from big Pharma? But hey we getting cheap groceries right?

NOPE!!!

You honestly think that the manufacturers are just going to drop prices because the President said so. Good luck. Get ready for the screw job you deserve. Just remember, you brought it on yourself.

But you know what instead of saying all this...I'm just going to leave this right here.

Well if you wanted to have a Gilead Dystopic America...well guess what you go it.

so what are we gonna do...well...nothing. Because there isn't anything that can be done and if you think that he will leave office in 2028...nope I can pretty much assure you he won't. And hell it won't be a shock if JD Vance invokes the 25th Amendment and take over himself and we really get that Handmaid's Tale MAGA seems to want. But hey...you want gas cheaper right?

SAW

I'm sorry we failed you...

2024-11-06T03:24:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

I know you are looking at the results of this mess called the election, and you feel the exact same way that I do. There are way too many raw emotions that are going inside your head; trust me I have those feelings too. You are scared which you have every reason to be. But, I want to say to you all.

I'M SORRY THAT WE FAILED YOU...

To the women who wanted to have their own body autonomy and rights as a human.

I'm sorry that we failed you.

I'm sorry that our nation will not become a real Handmaid's tale. And that you will lose any sense of rights.

To those in the LGBTQ+ community who just wanted to live in a country and simply exist.

I'm sorry that we failed you.

Seeing so many people who decide that you don't matter and are prepared to commit socio-genocide upon you just because you wish to live your life as best as you can without being judged, persecuted and what not.

I'm sorry that we failed you.

To my people of color who did not want to have to worry about being subjected to the police state tactics that we are gonna have now.

I'm sorry that we failed you.

I understand your concerns, I know it puts a weight on your soul. And so much doubt in your hearts of what to do now.

I'm so sorry that we failed you.

To the world who wished that this nation would wake up and try to be something better for the global community.

I'm sorry that we failed you.

We did our best to prevent what you feared most from happening. Sadly, it does not seem to be enough.

I know the apologies are not enough for what you all are feeling. And trust me, I get it as well. It seems empty, hollow and meaningless. But, I want you to know, it's from the bottom of my heart.

Those who lost friends and split away from families for your own beliefs.

I'm sorry that we failed you.

I heard it all. I know that some say that you should never let politics break up those in your life. But, sadly I have seen it more times than I can count. It's not about the person you vote for, but the morals of the agenda they stand for. I heard so much of this being good vs evil. Democracy vs Socialism/Fascism It's about decency vs indecency. Plain and simple.

To those whose lives will be lost in the coming years.

I'm sorry that we failed you.

No words can give comfort, and I know where your heart is. I'm truly sorry friends.

As you wake up and see a house, a community, a nation truly divided. It makes me think of a quote "You get what you deserve." And now we shall see the fruits of this tree of woe.

But hey groceries will be cheap right?

But to those who are reading this and feel lost and distraught.

I'm sorry we failed you.

SAW

Sci-Fi Story Time

2024-08-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

For some reason, I been reading lots of the reddit sci-fi about first contact and high alien civilizations and the interactions between humans and the galactic community. Well...I decided to make up something small and short. Nothing that's gonna be stellar or win a Bradbury award. Nevertheless, have a good read.

We saw the true face of humanity...and it horrified us.

When the humans of Earth arrived on the galactic scene, it was totally by happenstance. The Benldi were the first race to encounter the humans. The humans barely colonized any worlds outside their own home world when the Benldi met them. It was the first extraterrestrial race that the humans met. While there was apprehension from both sides, there became a bit of understanding and eventually a bond of friendship formed. The humans received technology from the Benldi in exchange of granting one of the worlds in their solar system to call their home after the race called the Trulax nearly destroyed their world and wiped out their entire civilization. Humanity gladly accepted and offered the planet they called Saturn to call their own. Being that the gas giant was almost identical to their planet, the Benldi settled quickly.

Over the decades, each race learned much from the other. Humanity did learn how to achieve faster-then-light technology; as well as learn about the Intergalactic Federation. Eventually, the Benldi took several of the human representatives to the Intergalactic Federation Central Planet of Gordaus IV to formally introduce them to the galactic stage. Many of the other races were suspicious of the humans. Mostly because Earth was on furthest part of the Milky Way and there was very few worlds in that part of the galaxy, more that were even populated. But eventually, the humans were accepted into their community. The Federation were quickly impressed in how humans were so versatile in skills and politics. The humans rose in respect within the Federation, especially in commerce and humanitarian aid. To see human medical vessels during conflicts or the massive commercial trade ships were welcomed in almost every system.

While the humans were welcomed and considered one of the more even-tempered races, many of the member worlds were concerned with the race as a whole. Looking at their history, they saw that the humans were war-like and capable of savage acts. When the Troduk Ambassador asked the Human Representative about their history of wars and bloodshed, the Human Representative smiled and said, while humanity almost fell into extinction in the sixth world war, they were able to set aside such violence and turn towards peace. We don’t like how we are when we are at war.

Many of the member worlds scoffed at her answer. The Gundgee, one of the most savage members of the Federation insulted the humans time again saying their youngest pouchling can defeat any human. The Human Representative always smiled and laughed saying pray for the day you ever truly fight one of the humans.

The Federation would quickly learn the prophetic words of the Representative. The Trulax made a return to attack several of the Federation worlds. They targeted many of the human colonies. The Trulax enslaved many humans in their conquests. Any types of peaceful resolutions were ignored. Only war was the language the Trulax would speak. After one of the medical ship was destroyed during a peaceful mission to render aid to the Zeulua, Humanity knew they was only one response.

When the Human Representative called for a special session of the council, she informed them that they tried to be peaceful and find a way to resolve this without bloodshed. Now there was only one response for such useless slaughter. War was the be declared. Many of the other races laughed and stated human never liked to fight. You were peacemakers and traders. What do you know of the arts of warfare. She said just because we don’t like to fight does not mean we not capable.

When the Trulax sent their First Pride Fleets to the Sol system, they destroyed several colonies and stations. When they reached the outer orbit of Uranus, the Trulax were met with the Human response fleet. Hundreds of battleships of different classes opened fire on the Trulax vessels. In a matter of minutes the Trulax ships fled the system. But the humans, set a final message to the Trulax Empire to cease their attacks or they will face something called The Totality of War. The Federation while impressed with the defense of the human’s territory, it was only one battle. The Trulax would quickly respond with virus-bombing a colony world at the edge of human space.

The revenge fleets of Earth would travel to the Trulax system in a campaign of revenge. Several observation ships were dispatched to observe the humans in war. What they saw sent chills to their core. The first world of the Trulax Empire was destroyed by planetary bombardment. Mass driver bombs rained down onto the planet that caused tectonic collapse to the world. Void cannons tore the atmosphere of the planet caused the skies to turn into nuclear fire, wiping out the whole population in a matter of minutes. The Trulax defense ships were all but annihilated in one massive battle above the Trulax throne world. It was said that the destruction of the ships were so horrid, that bodies of the Trulax were in orbit around the planet that would remain for decades. The Trulax, never known to surrender attempted to communicate with the human for terms. The pleas were ignored. The commander of the revenge fleet sent a response, “You wanted to see the true face of war, you not have it. You will now see the war in totality.” Words that were broadcasted to the whole Federation to hear.

Thousands of human solders landed onto the surface of Trulax Prime to lay waste to the population. And that was when the true meaning of horror was displayed and the face of humanity was revealed: Tanks that fired thermonuclear energy that vaporized bunkers, atomizing the defenders inside. Guns that fired beams that caused alterations of gravity around their targets, making them nothing more than mounds of condensed materials. Grenades that possessed the powers of a mini black hole that caused such devastation that to even describe it would be unbelievable.

The destruction of Trulax lasted for only three standard days and the number of causalities on both sides were enormous. The final bastion of Trulax fell after three hours of fighting when an orbital strike of rail cannons destroyed the place, wiping out the Trulax Royal family. It was then the attacks ceased and the humans pulled back their attacks. Federation observers witnessed the aftermath of the attack with sickening horror. Reports came in stating that nearly ninety-seven percent of the Trulax race was simply eradicated which was over eleven billion inhabitants. The planet itself suffered so much damage and destruction, that it would take generations for any restoration efforts show any significant progress.

And of course, the humans, who caused all this genocidal destruction were the first with relief ships to help restore some sense of stability to Trulax Prime. The human representative was called before the Federation council to give account on the ruthlessness of Humanity. Many of the member races would research the complete history of Earth and the armed conflicts of this race endured. The Gundgee, who loved war as much as any other race were appalled by how the Humans waged the attack on the Trulax.

When asked how could a race that was so diplomatic and willing to aid others without any hesitation can be so ruthless and so blood-thirsty. The Human representative simply answered. “We abhor war because we are very good at it. We don’t want to fight but when we are pushed to it, we shall fight and make sure those we fight never wish to strike up arms against us. When total war is called, we do not hold back and as you can see from the results. The price is a steep one.”

“There is an old Human proverb. War is the last defense of peace. Fight to restore that peace.”

It was then we saw that humans are capable of doing whatever it takes, even genocide to preserve the peace in the galaxy. Behind the face of charity and goodwill lies a heart and mind that could very destroy us all. If anything, the Trulax Genocide has taught us. Never push the humans to war.

The Pride of Mental Health

2024-05-31T13:41:00.000-07:00

As we have come up to the month of June. First thing I want to say is goodness, we have really flown by this year. It doesn't really seem like it has been 6 months. Yet here we are. First thing that comes to my mind is that Summer is almost among us. Which is going to be the god-awful heatwaves in Texas. Which I will not be around outside much for it supposed to be one of the hottest on record.

Also, what occurs in June is Pride Month. Now, I have been an ally of the LGBTQ community for a long time and shall always stand in the front for them. And I wish each and every one of those people have a wonderful and awesome time and celebration of their unique awesomeness.

But June is also a month of something that really gets lost in the shuffle of the rainbows and handholding and good cheers. June is also Men's Mental Health Awareness Month. Something for years has been so ignored by the masses. You hardly heard a wink of it on the news, or social media. If you do, it's usually by men who talk about it being not even mentioned or ridiculed. However, in March which is Women's Mental Health Awareness Month, it gets center billing. Now I am all for the mental health and well-being for one and all. But why is one given such recognition while the other isn't even mentioned or worse off not even spoken.

Let's be honest the state of mental health for men in this country is on the wrong side of hilarious. Especially when so many of the stats that gets ignored:

Over four times as many men as women die by suicide in the U.S.
Suicide rates increased by 36% between 2000 to 2021
Suicide accounted for 48,183 deaths in 2021, which is approximately one death every 11 minutes
An estimated 12.3 million adults in the U.S. seriously considered suicide in 2021, with 3.5 million planning a suicide attempt and 1.7 million attempting suicide
Provisional data suggests that nearly 50,000 people in the U.S. died by suicide in 2022, which is a 3% increase from 2021
Suicide rates declined for men ages 34 and younger in 2022 and increased in males ages 35 and older[
For women, suicide rates declined for those aged 24 and younger in 2022 and increased for those 25 and older

the CDC reports that LGBTQ+ men are more likely to have mental health conditionsTrusted Source than their straight and cis counterparts, while adults with disabilities are almost five times as likelyTrusted Source to report frequent mental health distress than adults without disabilities.

Black, Indigenous, and People of Color, or BIPOC, men are just as likely to have mental health conditions as white men but have less access to mental health care. They’re more likely to need to rely on community support in place of (rather than in addition to) mental health professionals.

Sadly, things like this shall be always ignored. I'm a person who has big issues with mental health and many times people will say ooh whatever and I guess it just something men will endure.

So in essence

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH Everyone...

SAW

I'm sorry that I'm weird...

2024-04-17T18:03:00.000-07:00

I don't think that being weird was such a bad thing. What is worse that having a sense of humor was such a red flag. Seems that some people have a weird sense of hypocrisy; then again seeing how people are now of days, I am not surprised in the slightest. I guess when you are always the one on the outside looking in, it's going to be the status quo. It's something that I really been used to my whole life. I look back at much of my existence and I come up with a theory: that no matter how I try to ingratiate myself in social groups, I don't feel so welcome. No matter what circle I move through. I was always asked to be myself. Biggest mistake ever. Whoever recommended that should never give advice again. Every time I attempt do just that, I either: get shunned, get laughed at, get kicked out or get ignored. I just feel that I need to keep the mask on. I don't want to scare anyone off anymore. Just stupid that some people shun or get cringy when others do or act the same way. Nice bit of BS. So what is to be expected right?

SAW

So nerdy guys are in now...

2023-09-13T09:54:00.001-07:00

I am seeing all these videos of women out here saying that nerdy guys are underrated and slept on, and you need to be dating them. And I been looking at so many responses stating that most of these women are straight capping or lying for clout. While I know many would say yes, it is cap. I know a few of them sincerely are loving us nerdy guys. And to them, I say thank you and bless you for giving those dudes a genuine shot. However, the others, I know that it's just a bunch of bullshittery.

I know that those so called "Nerd" types they are wanting are those tall, attractive, tattooed guys that maybe wear glasses and watch maybe one anime and build Legos and whatnot. To be honest, I think they think that nerd prototype of nerdy men they want are the Henry Cavil (who plays Warhammer) Vin Diesel and Joe Manganiello who play D&D or Ryan Reynolds for the most obvious of reasons. They want those attractive guys that have some sex appeal but have a bit of embrace of being a nerd. But those who been knee-deep into it, being ridiculed in school for liking comics, anime, etc. were laughed at and still laughed at to this day because we don't have a six-pack, or tatted up and all that jazz is a bit tiring, and I know many of guys like-minded are seeing the bullshit for what it is.

I am not one to try to gatekeep about who dates who in the nerd lifestyle; I am only asking that you be honest about it. Because I know that maybe 85% that say they do are lying out their heads for some type of clout or give some poor sap a very false hope. Many of us guys are over-cautious by nature because we know the traps are out there that we try to get some feelings only to get burned and played. It's why we don't date in the first place. It's hard to trust, hard to believe because many of us have our war stories of how we try to find some woman who has the slightest interest in us, see our existence and run away back to the gym rat or something. I know many of those so-called nerd lovers are psy-ops who probably have an Onlyfans or something. I know not ever woman has that ulterior motive or some sex-worker website and is genuinely interested in us. Then there is the classical defense saying, "Oh there are those who are into nerdy guys who are not usually on the cover of those dime store romance novels, they just not into you because of your personality." I agree, unattractive is unattractive regardless of your situation, but sometimes the circumstances at the time does bring out some things or say things that are normally not what we say or believe. It's just that for some long, we been slept on, ignored, laughed at and ridiculed that now suddenly a spotlight is shone on us, and we have to ask ourselves is this legit, or cap. Most of us are overthinkers by nature and we have to ask ourselves billions of times is this true or not.

Is it the cynic in me that is just seeing the pessimistic part of everything? Yes, but there is too much evidence to back up the claim too. So, when I see these individuals say they wanna date a nerdy guy, I know it's the ones that you don't expect. Hell, most think they are tall, skinny guys who probably watch Star Wars and plays Magic the Gathering and have a predisposition of being secretly hung like an anaconda or something. Or that gym guy with tatts and a beard that maybe has an insane number of Legos. To each their own, I guess. But some of us don't fit that mold and would like some sense of acknowledgement too. Hell, most would think I don't even fit the nerd culture. But let's see.

Love Anime (Can name shows that isn't Naruto, Bleach (top 5 favorite btw), Dragonball or One Piece)

Plays Warhammer (even before Henry Cavil told the world he did)

Plays Magic the Gathering

Collects Gundam Models

Reads Sci-Fi

Loves Star Wars

Loves Science/Astrophysics Shows

Hardcore Gamer

Love Conspiracy Theories

I Play Massive Amounts of Trivia Games

Read Loads of Comics

yeah, those things I am into but not 6 foot, not skinny cause I like to eat, and you know the rest.

I guess I shouldn't care about all this, but I guess it just rubs me the wrong way to see people giving out false hopes to people like us for the simple fact that we have a different lifestyle that all of a sudden is supposed to be cool when less than 10 years ago it was frowned upon. I rather stay alone with my nerdiness than fall into a trap. Just safer that way.

SAW

Some people are social butterflies...

2023-09-10T08:47:00.006-07:00

And then there are people like me who are pretty much the equivalent of a social cockroach. I think throughout my years of engaging in the Social Experiment, I have really attempted to engage in much of social situations only to really fade into the background and just observe. Mostly because I am not one of those people who can just walk into a room and float around and speak with everyone in such a friendly manner. That has been something that I never could master, or even try to attempt. Mostly because it feels so damn awkward for me.

The parties and engagements that I used go to, while were not as many as some would assume, I mostly kept to a very select group of people and even then, for very few moments because I just honestly felt like I was really there as a forced conversation or convenience at the best of times. So, I usually just stay there briefly and make my ceremonial exit. Not really being missed or thought of for many.

I do think that at times I have an ability to make people forget that I was there after a few moments. You kind of question yourself and think was I even there or was it just a fleeting thought that I was there at all. It does work to my advantage sometimes; however, there are times when I do think does my existence, play any impactful role in other's lives. It used to be a question that I would ask myself hundreds of times over the years. Now as I have gotten older, I honestly think I already know the answer however I don't think like I like that solution.

Many years ago, during the Yahoo Chat Era, I have come across so many people of so many different backgrounds, nationalities. Some I keep in touch with loosely, some I avoided or been avoided for some reason or another. Good or ill. But it all goes to question; did I ever, even briefly, make any type of effect on their lives by me being there. I don't think I have if I was to be honest with myself. I don't think if anyone was to mention my name it would be any fondness if there is any memory at all. It is sometimes something I wish I could just do, wipe out the memories of me from many people. Or wipe it from myself as well. I think that much of the traumas that I had endured would have been lessened greatly if I could just pluck those memories out like an eyebrow. I know some would say that you shouldn't do that because those experiences are what makes humans grow and become who they are. But I question them with this counter-question. Do you think those individuals would probably find a greater sense of happiness and fulfillment of the Self, if they did not encounter those things that have messed them up to a point where they struggle with their lives?

I think I have become so socially withdrawn that I have de-evolved into a recluse, and I think that is a good thing for me. I think growing up pretty much a loner, gave me a deeper understanding of being able to be independent and self-reliant. It was for the lack of effort or even planting myself in those socio-groups, I just think deep down I was just a person who had much of the social acceptance of the aforementioned cockroach. I know that you should be oneself, but the question to ask is what happens if being yourself makes one an outcast?

I guess that is a question to ask. I just hope that I don't lose my sanity once I find the answer.

SAW

When your real-life charisma is your dump stat...

2023-08-12T17:51:00.001-07:00

I always been a big fan of TTRPG's and Dungeons and Dragons has always been my favorite out of all of them. And being in that you always have to put stats into your character's abilities. Many times, I usually put my lowest abilities or the "dump" stat into Charisma. Mostly because many of my characters that I play are sometimes projections of myself, or the creations of myself into how I could portray myself to be as.

When I put into myself as a person, what my real-life dump stat would be, I can easily say it would be Charisma. Mostly because, when it comes to human interactions, or being able to talk to people of the opposite gender, the so-called "Rizz" is nonexistent. I always believed that many a small part of me would have some sense of charm factor, a bit of style that can be used to win any woman over. However, upon deep amounts of reflection within myself and a huge amount of honesty, I know that it would be a huge lie to myself to say I am charismatic. Being witty or being able to captivate a room with just my image, my confidence or a good word of humor, is about as possible as the sun rising in the south and setting in the north. I know deep down I have a weird or even a very off-beat personality. Which I think at times is something that I have really denied into myself over the years, especially growing up. I always been the loner, even amongst my peer; mostly because I never was one to feel accepted within my group for me. I always wore a mask to hide my real identity. My real self, because the few times I have let myself be me, I never really was able to find any sense of sincere acceptance. More or less, I was kind of ignored on the best of times and ridiculed on the worst of days. So, in a sense, I felt it was best to wear a mask and infiltrate myself into any group that I would feel that would be accepting of the actor that I was to be for the moment that was needed.

While for a while that would work, it got very old very quickly. I didn't feel any sense of happiness, then again, I don't think I ever had a moment of pure happiness. Or those I can really think made me happy. But I digress. When I think about leaving the madness of high school and Morton and left for college in Houston, I figured that it was the time to really become myself and find my true identity as Marco. But the thing was, I don't know or didn't know how to be me. That damned Rizz was never there, and I don't think I ever had a chance to honestly being myself. Even the few months I was there, and few people that I met and connected with, it was always that small part of me that I couldn't really be myself or even felt accepted. Even know upon reflection, I kind of ask myself was I really a part of the social grouping that I found myself in or was it just a moment of forced convenience. Leaving in the middle of the night as I did and not even saying goodbye was just easy to do and not looking back made things easy. I know I could have returned there but I felt it was best to not. Let me be a fleeting memory. Only one person still remains in contact with me even now and I do think that it's best.

Going to USM was just more of a continuation of the same thing but I think that really having friends was a bit harder, granted I did find some people online that help take away the sense of loneliness and give a sense of belonging; it was a different thing. Finding real friends was a challenge. Even those who I went to school with I kept at a distance. Not because they knew me, but because I wanted to not be a bother to them. Or worse let them call me out of any potential facade that I had made for myself. True to be deceitful is a skill of charisma, probably the only one I had in abundance because I learned how to hide behind my mask well.

I think the one saving grace was the ability to hide behind a computer online. Just being able to pretend to be someone else made things so much easier. I can just create any persona I wished to make. But the best part of it all is I didn't have to be charismatic either. Mostly because they didn't really know who I really was so I can hide behind anything and pretend to be someone else instead of my true self. However, over time, that started to fade, mostly because of the pseudo gatherings that I went to, and people got to see me for the first time. Which in a big way was very scary for me. I always tried to keep a distance from many people. And being the person I was, I had one thing that I think was my power of observation and perception. I watched many people in many of the groups and social dynamics that I was involved in show powers of high confidence and charisma to the point that it was almost an aura of power that gravitated many people toward them. If I had any potential to show of any charisma it would been extinguished by those who ooze it.

Getting onto the realm of social media, that is where the charisma deficiency was extremely apparent. I don't know if it just the expansion of how things I have dealt with in terms of the human interaction was increase to a global scale or not, but it just seems that being myself here is about as welcoming as a rabid wolf in a chicken coop. I think being on certain apps just gave me a harsh lesson in reality that being myself is never going to lead into any popularity and sure as hell will not lead to any sense of monetary opportunities. I think that is the biggest reason, I'll never do any streaming on Kick or Twitch because I know that it would doom to fail. Seeing people who just can blow up with very little effort kind of makes me jealous in a way. I don't think it's not the lack of effort but just being able to use their natural powers of charisma to be able to give some sense of connection and rapport that I don't think I ever had.

Maybe in conclusion, I just look at my dump stat of having no Charisma as just the price for having some decent amount of intelligence and wisdom - even if you want to call it that in retrospect. Who knows, maybe a late and I do mean VERY late spurt of natural machismo will rain upon me and I will be able to have the charms to beguile women and intimidate the men. I highly doubt it. If I didn't get it in the 47 years of life on this mudball of a planet, I don't think I will ever receive such a blessing now.

😟

SAW

I am feeling so confused...

2023-08-09T15:50:00.002-07:00

But then again, I don't think that there is much of a difference between confusion and clarity. But to put into context, I was in a tiktok live with a mutual and they were discussing that they are getting some much-needed sex to get rid of some pent-up energy. Which I know is a good thing now days, unfortunately that is something that I will experience again. But that is a different entry for another time. However, I digress. The thing that was shocking to me was that she stated that 10 minutes is the acceptable time for sexual penetration. And two minutes is even a good time for penetration. I commented that you can't be serious about that, and I get a reply that if you can start her engines up early that morning and through the day, you send messages to her explain the things that you will do to her, send pictures and the like, and when she gets home, you tease and do the aforementioned things to her with the amount of foreplay. She will be satisfied that if you put it in and last 40 seconds, she will be so happy and orgasmed out beforehand, that it will honestly be irrelevant. The problem with this logic is that I don't believe it. I have seen way too many and I do mean WAY!!!!!! too many women that will debate, rebuke that and call her out on that bullshit. I almost wanted to do it as well, but I kept my words to myself because I wanted to be respectful to her and everyone else and not cause some large debate or issue. I did reply that I did that, tried that and it was a disaster that got me called out and dumped. Which is honestly true. I can't actually believe that no matter how much of teasing, enticement, and sexual tensions you give a woman during a day away from each other that at the end of the day, when it is time to put up, most will want to be able to make that experience last as long as possible.

To have someone say to actually fuck between 2 and 10 minutes is acceptable to me is kind of hard to even fathom. Ok 10 should be in many cases the barest minimum. 15 to 20 should be the logical "fun zone" time. 2 minutes is impossible to even consider. I mean yes if you go down on your partner, use her toys on her get her to a state of orgasmic euphoria, there will be a time she will demand you stop with the teasing and unleash the full show. And 2 minutes will not be enough. I have heard many stories of the opposite that they did all that shit and 2- or 3-minutes pass, and they are looking at them like Christmas had been cancelled. The euphoria died away. She is looking at you like; honey is that IT!!!??? I mean goodness me. You sent her soul over the edge but when it's time to deliver the final play you fall short. This is where you get the look of death. Get called out in the groups with your significant other's friend group. And believe me you know that most of the women have a group that talks.

The craziest part is there a few agreed with her being nonchalantly stating yes, I got things to do and don't need to be there all day. If you going to be a marathon man, then take breaks and all. But I have to think that if your mind is in that state of bliss and sex-space, the last thing you are thinking about is when will it end and more in the lines of, I hope to GOD and Sweet Baby Jesus this don't end. I know that each person is different, and each individual have a preference of duration. 2 minutes being any amount of acceptable time is impossible to even think of and I don't want to say it's some sort of gaslighting, and just one's personal preference. But you also can put into a bit of testing of that theory and state what would happen if you received the previous amounts of preludes to sex, do you honestly think that you would be satisfied with a short ending? I honestly think not.

This all is very confusing and a bit of a challenge to conceive. Has the rising of the 2-minute man become to be a reality? I honestly doubt it. I think that what she discussed is the most extreme of exceptions and not anywhere close to the norm. I know way too many women who would scoff at a fast man and be ready to send him to the gallows in public execution for even not making the 10-minute threshold. Especially when some women, in a polyamorous relationship circle. I know that, as well as the swinger lifestyle, there are three things that is the death-nail of a man:

no stamina
no skill
no size.

Each one of those is already a terrible ordeal within itself, throw them all together and you may as well commit sexual seppuku. Sadly, I just think that there will be a great awakening of women who will appreciate the non-staminaed man. Then again, I seriously doubt it. Doubt it indeed.

SAW

I'm sorry

2023-02-24T12:22:00.003-08:00

I'm sorry that I am such a burden and that my existence is something of such inconvenience. I didn't know that just talking or just be present in your life was such a hassle. Just wanted to express my feelings and talk to you was such a horrible thing.

I'm sorry for trying to maintain some sort of connection of a bridge to you and want to be in your life. I never expected that you would not wish for me to be some person that just nothing less than a long-term acquittance that is less than a stranger in your eyes. Maybe I was wrong that I didn't matter to you as I thought I did.

I'm sorry that I have weird passions, or awkward interests that you don't understand and not some type of person who is so full of interesting experiences that can make your life so fulfilling and full of purpose. I'm a boring person by nature and I never been anything but that.

I'm sorry that my mental health is such a big issue to you. Look, my life isn't filled with sunshine and lollipops like yours. Some of us just like to try to be so bubbly and happy however it's not the case. And I'm sorry for that.

I'm sorry I'm just a bad person.

I'm sorry

Welcome to America...A Religious State

2022-06-24T10:23:00.001-07:00

When I read that the United States Supreme Court overturned the Roe vs Wade decision, I honestly was not surprised by this. Since the leak a few month back pretty much gave that indication and the smoke and mirrors was nothing more than a pre-cursor of what was to come. I knew that deep down the Religious Majority wanted to pretty much destroy any type of progression for their own biblecentric views. Now I am not against religion in any shape or form. I respect religions for what they originally intended to be. But when the religion starts to take part into the socio-political systems, that is where it becomes dangerous and very bad. There is a separation of church and state for a reason. Yet, today and in the last few months, that separation has become closer and closer together. ALL because they believe in the "Sanctity of Life" The Extreme Right loooooooove to use that phrase, Sanctity of Life, yet they not care about anything close to it. They care more about their AR-15 than any children. It has been proven over so much over the last few months, they worship the 2nd Amendment than anything else. They call themselves PRO-LIFE, yet they don't want to protect life that's already here. I always say they are not pro-life, they are pro-fetus. Once that fetus is born, they are like FUCK YOU, you on your own. Yes, I said it and I'm not taking it back!

I always tried to say out of the Pro-Life/Pro-Choice debate because I do have any right to tell a woman what to do with her body. That is between herself and her own moral compass. However it seems that now the Moral Police decides to intervene with the private decisions of citizens and demand that abortions are just wrong. And they always throw the Bible saying it's a commandment. Yet they are so quick to forget there are scripture where he commands death to children. But of course, they don't want to read that part.

It's worse because now all this will do is cause back-alley abortions to skyrocket which is going to be even more dangerous. Yet, honestly most don't care about that. If the fetus is stillborn can't be removed, the women will have to carry it to term knowing that there is no life there. Yeah...nice trauma you going to give women buddy.

And for those who think I'm some bleeding liberal, let me assure you right now, I'm not. I'm independent, centrist; almost to the point of being apolitical. I don't trust either side. But have a greater distrust of the extreme Right. Worshipping their guns before anything else and call it "divine right"

And of course the Courts have pretty much decided that they will protect nothing except their own religious agenda. Giving public money to religious schools. I say TAX THE CHURCH then. And now this.

Some say life begins at conception...ok then let's just go ahead and have ever man pay child support at the time they have sex. Oh yeah that would be a nice thing to do. I bet the politicians will love to have to pay their mistresses and escorts child support.

But, I always hear this defense of what would happen if those individuals were able to be born. What contributions could be given to the world. We could have a child who creates beautiful music for the world, a person who can cure cancer, a child who could be President. What you think we could miss out on. Ok, we can have the next Charles Manson, the next Hitler, the next terrorist who does other things. Yes we can have those too.

Now, there people calling for the expansion of the Court. Sadly, this will not happen anytime soon. It has only been done 7 times in the nation's history and the last time was during Reconstruction. And I don't think Congress will approve the expansion. I doubt Congress will never allow that to happen. They already have the insanity to destroy this country, why give them more ammo to make this country become worse.

I feel for so many right now, this is a huge set back for personal rights in lieu of socio-religious agendas. And this will only make the midterms all the more important. I hope everyone votes, now more than ever. Good or Ill. I know I will.

I know this will cause me to lose friends and honestly, I lost friends for less. And honestly that's ok. If there a sex strike and no one puts out this summer or for the foreseeable future, it would serve us men right.

Dark times ahead.

Welcome to America....

SAW

A letter

2022-02-06T19:59:00.007-08:00

Dear Heart,

How you doing my friend? Excuse me, how were you doing? I know it has been a lifetime since we last spoken. I had every intention in reaching out to you just to speak to you, just to give you an update with things in our lives. So many years have passed and I know I neglected you. I have no excuse in why I did that. I look at your grave now and see the stones, crumbling. Weeds filling your spot. I should have been more considerate and taken care of things here. Given you the final peace you deserved. It seems like I have abandoned you twice. But, I wanted to give you honestly an explanation:

You know that things with us have not exactly been the best in our life. We used to be so optimistic, full of hope and if I was to be honest with you, (totally honest) very naïve. Because I always been someone who saw the positive in things. Especially in terms of love and relationships. I have put you into so many dangerous positions, entrusted you to so many to protect you. To nourish you, let you grow into something so beautiful. So perfect. To become a gift to the world.

Yet, I put you through so much abuse, left you in hands of women who did nothing but break you, shatter you into pieces so small that I knew well I could never find some of you again. It wasn't I did it out of spite or anger. I wanted to give you to someone who I could entrust with you. But it seems like I gave you to women who just never could care of something so delicate. Yet, it's my fault too, I wanted to place you into the hands of people who promised me never to hurt you, only to crush you with lies, manipulation, bullshit, and the toxicity that you never deserved.

Every time I healed you, I know that much of you diminished. But don't think that I didn't care about you. I tried again to be that person I once was. Yet, things never seemed to change. I know you felt unwanted, unappreciated, unloved. Trust me, Heart, I know the feelings. You felt eroded. Becoming smaller and smaller, hanging on a lifeline. My soul and my hopes were in the same place. I left you to save myself. You were breaking, so was I. I was just seeing how cold the world was. When you was dying, I was broken in the worst way. I should have guarded you to the last, yet I was scared to hold you. You were so fragile; seeing you made me guilty because of so much abuse you endured. Yet, I suffered so much. I wanted to avoid any intimacy, any contact from women because of the physical, mental and emotional pains that I just lived through. You know their names, their faces. The pains turned me cold, turned to hate. In the hate I saw the true clarity in so many things.

I WAS BROKEN BEYOND REDEMTION.

It was no excuse, only telling the truth. I wanted to hide from everyone and everything. I think what's worse then hiding my feelings, my pains and the anguish. Just being able to talk about all of it to people was the worse thing you can do. The "Man Up" Movement was the worse thing you can do to a guy. But, I think we are guilty of it. We are never able to express our pains, tell our feelings, let out cries out for we are judged, condemned, ridiculed. Can't tell your boys, and tell your girlfriend or any female significant other, you can cancel that plan. So many times, they don't want to hear it, other times they don't care, and worse, use it against you. Those few that truly care are one in a million.

I don't say all this to burden you with my struggles, I only want to tell you why I kept away. I was so low, so lost, so alone. I only can turn to the very demons that I been fighting my whole life. Embraced them as the true friends that was ever there for me. They heard my cries and never judged me. Loved me when few or others never could. The demons became my family, and within that the Darkness that was always there held me. I knew that I was safe but in being safe, I let you suffer.

I had honestly no choice. If I was to survive with my own life and I mean really survive, I had to let you go. For me to live, you had to die. I didn't make this decision easily. Please understand. I never wanted this for you. I never wanted to leave you to your fate. I wanted more of you. I wanted more for us. I wanted the happy ever after everyone wanted. But, I was not meant to have that gift.

I buried you with the whole notion that I would never hold you again, never give you to anyone else again. To become the heartless soul that I was born to be. But in that, I have seen more of the truth in others that seem to be in may ways the kindred spirits. Seeing men that have been on the same path of the broken soul just in ways not feel so alone. Yet, I know that each walk is the one that is made for our own.

I wish things could have been different between you and me my Heart. I wish that you and I could have made things better, to give light and love to that person suitable. But you know the truth better than I do. That lot was not meant for me. Karma, the Cosmic Balance, Bad Luck, or whatever it is, I the train has long sense departed from that station. Yet, I want you to know that, things that happened was not any of your fault. It was mine.

I don't ask for your forgiveness. I don't deserve it, nor want you to. I betrayed you in a need to keep myself safe. But, I never wanted things to be as it is. I wish you are at peace. Know that I am. I have no tears left to shed for you. No more glue to put you back together. Know that I am ok right now. I have become the devoid human that I was meant to be. I am sorry you become the last causality of my personal war. I have always loved you. Even when I was able to protect you, to trust you with others.

I wanted to come to you, feeling empty, yet full. Maybe in the next life, if there is one, we will reunite and feel better. I love you.

Marco

Why staying silent has always been best...

2022-02-01T14:17:00.000-08:00

There was a topic that was asked that I just had to speak about. I didn't want to do it in the group, but I needed to say it here. The question was, why do men not always speak their feelings, why can't they open up? You can ask a million men, and you may get a million different answers, but I will totally bet my retirement that there will be about the same reasons. Most men would say lots of things:

We can't talk about ourselves because in a society that rewards the strong-minded man and condemns the weak-men. Survival of the fittest, we can't have no signs of weakness in any aspect. We can't talk about our feelings because it's something that at the very core is a weakness in ourselves. And if we do talk about it, we usually get told to and guys, how many of these have you heard.

"Get over it!"

"Just man up!"

"Stop being a pussy!"

"Walk it off!"

"You not a woman, stop acting like one!"

"Men can't have feelings!"

"Men don't cry!"

There are an endless plethora of other things that I can add, but you get the jest of it. Sadly, our feelings in many aspects are invalid, ignored or just down right stomped on. And if you are in a relationship, I'm about 95% certain if you try to put your feelings out there, many times they will listen but RARELY hear. Yes, there is a big difference between both. Our feelings in many regards will be used against us. Yes our emotional vulnerability can be weaponized against us. And believe me, if you want to totally destroy a man to their very core, just destroy their emotions

It's why many times we keep it bottled up inside and let it destroy us. It's better we let the pain kill us then let society do it for men. So many ask who can you call when you at your lowest. Honestly, 99% of the men wills say no one. We may have one lifeline but we are so scared to throw our burdens on them that we just want to spare them the need to listen to us. So we leave it for ourselves. We rather be alone than burden others with our issues. Besides, we have to "MAN UP!" and just keep going.

SO what do we do, we just put on a smile, buckle up our boots and keep walking with the pains, the demons, the aches. Because it's what we are expected to do. It's what society demands of us. I mean men are not human, we are to be emotionless automatons that must confirm to the expectations. As one wise man said. "Men smile in public, suffer in private. Laugh loudly, suffer in silence."

Such a stigma to men's mental health is to the point that men just gave up on everything, myself included. We can't express ourselves without feeling embarrassed, get ridiculed, laughed at, ignored, have it used against us, called out, etc.

The pain of it all can lead men down the darkest roads, and few come back from it. Many times, they don't want to come back. They don't wish to see, or exist anymore in the state they are in. So they either turn to drugs, alcohol, social isolation and a multitude of other avenues. Few of them are positive, many more are negative and sadly, some to the absolute extreme.

While it's a touchy subject to even discuss, it has to be said. Many men in this state, would rather just end it all then keep going. Men's suicide has been at an all time high and statically, men commit suicide 4 times as much as females. And when such a sad, occurrence happens, the billions of the same "Questions" are asked, let's see if you heard this before.

"Why didn't he reach out to someone?"

"What was wrong with him that was so bad that he just ended his life?"

"How come he, didn't reach out to me, I would had listened?"

And with that, the great blame game is always thrown out.

"Suicide is a coward's way out"

"Suicide is a permeant fix to a temporary problem"

"You only pass the pain to others now because you are so selfish."

"Life is hard, he just was not strong enough to live it."

"He just wanted to seek attention."

And on and on...

Society has always been easy to throw the blame cards like $100 bills but do not even think of the roots of the problems. Men do suffer harsh conditions by just being men. We have to shoulder the burdens of being the provider, the builder, the bread winner, the foundation of everything. Many times with very little validations, little complements (genuine ones at that..we can tell the difference between sincerity and bullshit).

Why is this, you ask. Why do men have such suffering? Well it's impossible to answer. But, for me, it's the lack of trust. The lack of empathy. The lack of just sincere understanding. And mostly the social labeling that we get thrown at. Let's throw a few examples out there shall we:

If you are a "Nice Guy" or suffer from what women call "Nice Guy Syndrome" meaning that you always kind, willing to help others do for others, many times not asking for nothing in return. They get thrown ooh he is a nice guy and wants something and just trying to do this for getting a relationship or sex or whatnot.

NO STUPID! Have you ever think for a second that he could be suffering in silence and just being a decent human being is a coping mechanism. Nope, because society has put chains of decency to be a tale-tale sign of ulterior motives and not genuine altruism.

If you are the "Emotionally Unavailable Man" the guy who is do devoid of any type of emotional connection that he just simply exits to just do whatever it takes to survive. He is distant, he really just talks to you with a few amount of content. Pushing people away just to protect themselves. He will help you in every way possible but just not give you the content of emotion he need.

The so-called "ALPHA MAN". The one who has the built Abrams Tank or Dad Bod (if you believe the TikTok propaganda) 6ft+, bearded and tattooed men that just suppose to be the classic definition of what a real man is. They suppose to have machismo oozing out their veins and their hairy face is a magnet to attack the mental barriers of women's desires. Of course, we can't ignore that this can be the "preference" that many want in partners and we have to respect it. But, how often does one lose out on their Mr. Right, chasing Mr. Stereotype? Not that anyone will care about that right. Open-mindedness is a thing of the past. Just breathes toxic-masculinity. But society calls it sexy.

The "True Silent" Man. He is probably the most dangerous. For he is always the one who laughs and never stops talking. Always willing to bring comfort to others, yet in his mind he is always overthinking. His feelings are at the surface, ready to blow up. When he is truly quiet, he never says a word. They are a silent hurricane of rage that will explode when they can't take no more.

I can go on and on...I can talk about the death of chivalry, I can talk about what the definition of a "man" is suppose to be. I can talk about the social ridicules that we throw on ourselves. The racial and ethnical toxicity of male emotions. But that would take forever to write.

Male mental health is just a thing that most will never talk about. It's the silent "elephant' in the room that we all know exist but will never speak about it. We can talk about our feelings but it will go ignored, unacknowledged, uncared. We just told to walk it off, and just keep living our lives at a knife's edge. We don't open up because it's dangerous for our own being, our own sake. We keep our minds, our feelings, our hearts closed. I don't matter, it never mattered. The stigma has become too ingrained into society and I honestly don't think it will ever change. We carry our burdens to the grave. And when asked; how we are doing?

How are we doing?

With a broken mind, a broken heart, a broken life, a fake smile, a insincere laugh, with a silent suffering of our souls, with the stigma of being "human", with the need to "Man Up" so we man up. We suck it up with empty words that will ignored. Being tired, exhausted, drained, hopeless and empty...

We simply answer.

"I'm doing fine."

Wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

2022-02-01T06:00:00.001-08:00

I totally hate feeling this. I never want to ask for help; mostly because many times I have been so burned by it that it makes me not want to do it anymore. I reached out my hand only for it to grasp nothing but air. So I learned early, that there few you can trust, fewer who will ask for help. I always been a self-sufficient person. Even as a kid, I never really been on who really asked for help from anyone. I succeeded of failed on my own. I hated to ask for help because it made me feel like I just was so weak or getting judged for failing to achieve anything on my own. If I did it on my own, the accomplishment just feels more authentic, more personal. Doing it with some help just seems to cheapen it. As if, you just couldn't handle whatever you had to do and seek assistance. Now I know there are numerous exceptions to this. Logically, you can't carry a couch by yourself, unless you got superhuman strength or assisting someone who could be disabled, yes those are important and they need the help if asked. So I just keep striving to do it on myself.

Silence sometimes make the loudest noise...

2021-12-13T05:10:00.000-08:00

Questions I asked myself....

2021-05-05T21:34:00.001-07:00

During those nights, I sit in the dark and I ponder some of the deepest questions that I know have no real answers. But, it does bare deep discussion.

1. Can one not find the capacity to love?

I always think that deep down there are some people who can not find their so-called ability to love. It can be a bit of a forced or faked for the sake of the significant other's own personal feelings. However, I honestly think that is the worst thing one can do to an individual. And in the end, it does hurt you as well.

2. Can one not have a soulmate if one don't have a soul?

This has been a question that I have asked myself since high school. Mostly, during that time, many people have moments of self-discovery. Me, I have many evaluations of knowing that one such as me don't have much of a soul that would match anyone. Mostly because, I learned very early I felt very soulless. And over the years, I shielded myself from trying to put myself out there to find some type of romantic connection. Not out of thinking that someone would be able to conquer the darkness in my heart, but to break them to a point they become one of the choir of the empty. It's something I would not wish on anyone.

If I was to be honest with you, the concept of "soulmates" is a big illusion of dreamers and poets. The hopeless romantics who think there is a missing part of someone that would complete them. Maybe there was a time long ago, I could have been one of those dreamers, so full of optimism and wonder of that one person who will sweep in and share her soul with an empty shell, or even grow one for me. If such a silly notion is possible. Thing is I never believed that there is always an equal number of so called souls on earth at every given time. And what about those who live their lives without even encountering their opposite? Alas, those are the worst who suffer. I feel for them.

3. Is it wrong to not anyone fall in love with you?

No matter how much those people may have genuine feelings for an individual person. Mostly because that person they are in love with is so broken, so devoid of feelings, so completely nullified of any emotional attachment that it becomes impossible to have any type of romantic interactions with people? I have asked myself that question for the longest time. Is it because of the rejections or the let downs that some people have endured that it makes them feel incapable of having those types of desires. I know that many women have probably pondered this, but rest assured that men have done the same. It's just considered taboo for a man to express such things. It shows a bit of weakness for men to have these types of feelings. Got to love the social stigmas. There are more that I could go into but honestly, it would become an essay.

I know these questions don't have any answer and it's rhetorical at best, mind-numbing at worst. But, I don't wish this type of dilemmas on anyone. Anyone who is out there with these situations, know that I feel your thoughts and pains my friend. I hope you can find the answers; and probably share in your discoveries.

SAW

Time has passed...

2019-12-03T20:56:00.002-08:00

I'm so sorry about the long hiatus. Trust me, it's not by choice - it was mostly because I have really just not able to speak what it on my mind or in my heart. But, that is no excuse and deep down I'm so sorry.

A good bit of things have went on since I last spoke to you. I lost my job at the old place a few months back. I never told anyone outside my circle this. Mostly, because for the biggest reason, I just didn't want folks to ask questions, feel sorry for me, or just don't need the rumors going on. However, I will say their reason was the biggest bunch of bullshit ever. In the beginning, it was kind of a blessing in disguise to be away from there. I don't miss anything about it except the paycheck. Yet, being in a place as long as one can be, it just does give a sense of accomplishment.

Fast forward to now, I have landed a job at a place that in all purposes is a total change around. Going into a small, relaxed office to a complete, full-blown call center; it's a complete culture shock. And somehow, that isn't the biggest thing; to have a place that is so big-brother it can make George Orwell proud is a huge understatement. I understand having a place where they have a sense of accountability and the likes, but they take it to the biggest extreme. It's a line before being accountable and being micromanaged to death. When you have a system that times everything from going to breaks, being on the phone with calls, to everything else, it just a big on the extreme.

I know deep down, after 2 weeks, I can say this is not a good fit for me. Just seeing how the company operates, and the massive amount of system tools they use on a daily basis, plus the amount of regs and "zero tolerance errors" they have, it's just a big daunting to wanna work. Hell even workmens comp has a bit of leeway and even with HIPPY HIPPA stuff, it was not as stringent.

I do feel that if I leave this place, it would be a huge let down on myself. As much as I like a challenge and everything, there is just a bit of comfort that is needed to do my best. Yet, there is just a huge, nagging part of me - a small voice is saying loudly not to go on for your own mental health. I have not talked to many about this, mostly because I have been unable to trust many things. And those, I have confided in are pretty much worried about me. Which is the biggest reason why I hate to tell my thoughts to anyone. I don't like to have people worry about me. I feel guilty as hell. I'm sorry to everyone I have been making worry about me. :(

Now, you see what's been up - well, most of what I feel I can share. I think at the end of the day, I will do what I need to keep going on.

I hope to not be so away from you for so long. I am sorry.

Forgive me...

SAW

Another day...another amount of bullshit...

2018-08-08T19:47:00.000-07:00

So it seems that I would never think that things would be so bad. But, alas, NOOOO!!! Today has been a day from hell. It seem that I am working with hypocrites and in a place of pure hypocrisy.
Today we had one of those weekly "trust huddles"- something that I think it's more of a weekly meetings that seem to be everyone plays a game of "let's all jump on me day!" I along with the rest of the folks in my group (I do have a few choice words I can use, except for one who is new) decided discuss the works and the intents of the group. And as my supervisor said, have a come to Jesus meeting. Which I am pretty much saying it's all about me but want to keep it informal of everyone in the group. But, I do know that it's about me. Getting told off in some blah blah tirade about not being able to follow up with things, bitches complain about not doing something that I was going to do, now want to just drop everything to have their work done. Some asshole want to just trip about have pride in the work that we do. If you want to work and have a job to have a bit more pride in what we do. I'm like oooh who made you head of the propaganda department and cheernazi. And then had the audacity to say folks being on their phones doing posts on facebook and whatnot and I'm like you the fucking poster child of doing that shit, talking about your fucking dogs or looking at youtube talking about ooh how cute the animals are. I'm like pot meet kettle. I wanted to speak out soooo much but I didn't. I had to laugh when the supervisor was saying one person did 40 cases and if that is what going to happen why do we need to have what we have. I'm like well if one person wanna do 40 cases and burn out let her. I don't know the rest of what was said, I withdrawn myself into my mind to find some peace and quiet. I just could not pay attention of the shit. And for the rest of the day, I didn't speak to anyone unless needed to.

I do know that this is going to be ending soon, I don't know if they want me to quit or get fired. I have no idea. But, I just know they going to be have my wrath come out and I will quit and will have my say in the meantime. I been trying to keep my composure. I talk to my parents about all this and they saying to pray and just do what you can and if I need to quit, just quit. But, I don't want to do that unless it's necessary. I don't need to have the financial burdens being set as I look for a new job. Heaven help me that I can try to keep my sanity for real.

Blog Therapy..

2018-08-04T06:25:00.001-07:00

I am doing this blog therapy because for some damned reason, society shuns you to take spiked baseball bats to work and bash people over the head like undead zombies or something like that. So now, I just have to let myself vent onto the world wide web in my own corner of the cyber realm.

I do apologize to those who been waiting for me to update my blogs. I just have been in such a bad place over the last few months, I just could not force myself to write down what's on my mind. For the reason, it was just too dark, painful, and honestly a bit too dangerous for anyone really to understand what's up.

But to give you a recap of things, here is the Cliff Notes version of events.

Well the Skank of my Job has finally left the place to find new plague infested lands up north to spawn her annoying life and make others miserable. I for one do not miss her. If it did I would miss her with a semi and try to reverse it to hit her. There always been so much tension between us over the last few years working together, I don't know why. I never had much of a bad opinion about her, except she was a very self-absorbed, self-centered, self-righteous twatcicle who always had to be right and heaven help you if you tried to countermand the notion that the universe revolved around this fool. What was even funnier is that she wanted to take over the supervisory position and be in charge of everyone. Well, I would tell you now, boys and girls is that if that would had happened, there would been a mass exodus of folks leaving and I would been first out the door. I never knew how much she was disliked until after she left. The tension and the aura of blah seemed to have been evaporated. But then again, I think it's still there.

I am really starting to hate my job more and more by the day. It was a point that I was starting to find a bit of happiness - OK, maybe not happiness; but a sense of contentment. But, now of days, it just takes almost an epic effort just to get out of bed and find the motivation to go travel to the bus stop, head down to Richardson, and work 8 hours a day.

Problem is that mostly everyone is just so damned triffling and when I say triffling, it's like everyone is out for themselves. Ever since the company got sold "yeah, we are now part of a massive conglomerate, that's been after us for years so it would seem" the whole dynamic has changed to something so different.

I had very little interactions with the new people that is running to show, and to be 100% honest, I don't really want to. But management is still management and management is still all about the bottom line. Which wouldn't be so bad - if the damn people I work with wouldn't be such damn snippy bitches who just feel like they have to tattle on every thing. I mean things that don't need to escalated to management could just easily be told to people but nope...gotta copy every manager on this like telling you mom on your siblings' every damn movement, mistake and whatnot. I'm like damn bitch...STOP SNITCHING!!!!!

But you know that it's almost impossible for something like that to happen. And now you have people who try to pretend to be like the 2nd in command and act like they semi-bosses themselves. I just try to be a bit accommodating for the sake of keeping some type of peace. But, there times when I just have had enough of the bullshit.

Perfect example is a few weeks ago, it just been a total bad day; when I say bad day, I mean let's take a trip to Clusterfuck City - where everything that can go wrong, just went wrong and it's Dogpile on me day. Well, people say oooh it's just constructive criticism but you can only take so much of it until it just becomes a bit more of personal attacks. When, I got to a point where I had enough and lashed out for the briefest of moments. And when I said lashed out, I mean I almost let out my darkside come out and I would probably be out of a job because I would just spoke my mind on a few folks who would not like what I would have to say. But, I counted to 10 in my mind, breathed deeply and chained my emotions back down. I don't like to lose my self-control as I have. Because, that would be something that noone would want me to see, it's a dangerous thing. Trust me on that one.

I think to be honest, I did put a bit of a scare in some people because I never let my emotions get the best of me - yet, there comes a time that even the strongest of wills slip and you going to see the true self come out. I have fought a long time to keep that part of me away. The masks I wear really is for the protection of others. Yet, there is going to be a time that I will say to hell with it all and let the demons out to play and I will not be held responsible for the outcome of all this.

I know the question begs to be asked, why don't I just look for another job. Well, I am already in the process of doing that. But, I don't want to leave until I know for certain I can find something, or already have something put into place before I go. There is no sense in leaving a sure thing for nothing. Yet, there have been many times and I do mean many times, I have been so tempted to pack up my bag and chuck a deuce to everyone there and say fuck you all in this estrogen ocean.

more to come later.

It's Story Time Boys and Girls...

2017-11-04T20:31:00.002-07:00

Well, it's been a long time since I have actually sat down and written anything of some significance. But, this was something that just came out and I just had to write it. SO I just put on some dark ambient music..*(yes I'm such a nerd)*, fired up Microsofty Wordy and started writing.

If anyone knows me knows that I am a HUGE Lovecraft fan. Well, this is something that kind of out of the Lovecraft universe. But, it not so blatant. Well I edited it and had one of my best friends do some editing and proofreading. Thanks Ms. T for your help. I will be writing more soon, been having a few more ideas to throw out. Maybe have something out of the Cthulhu Mythos to get your minds wandering and sleep with your eyes open. Watch out for the Monster Under Your Bed....

And without further adieu and poo-poo, turn off your lights and read some good stuff.

The Universal Goddess

I have traveled this desert for days, leaving my past behind. My present and my future is this endless sea of sand with death stalking me in all its myriad forms. Traveling eastward, I have no definite destination; yet I know I must go east. My clothes are in tatters, the merciless sun punishing me for my ill-preparedness on this journey. The pack I carry has very little in terms of provisions: a canteen with enough water for one swallow, at best two if I am very careful; a flashlight, that has seen better days; and a rolled up scroll made of ancient looking dark paper.

The scroll was given to me by a man wearing a brown robe and white turban. This, what I could only assume was a holy man, thrusts this scroll into my chest as I stepped out onto the street from the local tavern. Without saying a word, he continued to run as if the devil himself was giving chase. I wanted to run after him, but something made me stand in place. I looked down at the eerie scroll. It seems to call to me, beckoning me to open it. I try to throw it away into a nearby fire pit where some people are cooking. I want to be done with it. Yet, I cannot do it. Curiosity or something else more primal urges or yet, commands me to open it. Compelled, I open it, slowly. I look at the contents of the scroll. The words are in a language that I cannot begin to understand. As my eyes loom over the writing, I can almost “hear” the words being burned into my head. The pain is intense, making me close my eyes. But, as quickly as the pain came, it subsides. As I opened my eyes, I saw what was written on the scroll...

To the east, travel to the black pyramids before the first night of the full moon. Witness the great birth. Witness her coming and become one with her.

I steal a horse from a man too drunk to remember what happened and head out, towards the impending sunrise. The first few days, I see nothing but endless sands and the occasional birds flying overhead. My horse died after the third day so I settled on foot, leaving it for the vultures to feast on. But I keep going; tearing strips of my clothes to cover my face and skin that was not burned raw from the sun’s abuse yet. At night, I sleep when I can, but only for a few hours then I can no longer resist, I have to continue on.

I cannot stop, for the full moon is a few more days. The words still filling my head over and over to the point of losing my sanity, and yet it feels comforting.

The day before the full moon, I reach a large sand dune. Exhaustion was claiming me. I push on; forcing me to traverses the sand that could easily swallow me to my death any moment. Every step is a step closer to my goal. As I reached the top of the dune, I feel a sharp pain threw in my head. I almost stumble back down to one knee, yet I manage to maintain my balance. As fast as the pain came, it then left me. I looked at the sky. The sun is starting its slow descent into the western horizon, bringing an end to the day. As I watch the sun disappear, I see the shadows of a building.

The pyramid, my goal; it is in sight.

With a sudden burst of energy, I move quickly down the dune. It does not take long for me to make it past the dunes and see a long road. It looks as if it leads to the pyramid. Needing no further encouragement, I run towards the pyramid. As the sun sets behind the pyramid it casts a long shadow as I get closer to the base. When I reach the pyramid, I am taken aback in the size of the structure. It is the largest building I have ever seen. How could something this massive be hidden from the eyes of the world? It would take hours to walk around its perimeter. I walk around, looking for some way to enter the pyramid. But, there does not seem to be a way in. Just then, another pain hits my head. The pain is too much, like sharp needles piercing my brain. I feel something running down my nose. I place my left hand on it and wipe it off. It’s…blood. I tear off a swatch of fabric from what is left of my shirt to staunch the blood.

I place my hand on the smooth black stones of the pyramid to maintain my balance. Just as my bloody hand touches the stone, a massive crack begins to form. The crack widens enough to allow me to passage into the dark abyss of the pyramid. As soon as I pass the threshold, the crack closes as quickly as it had formed.

I find myself in a lit chamber. The chamber is circular with only one exit. The room itself is empty except for a few overturned shelves and several skeletons. It stank of age and neglect. I reach for my service revolver and grab a torch from the fall wall and make my way to the exit. Outside the chamber, is a long corridor; with a rope bridge midway. I walk towards it and I can hear the echoes of my footsteps. Each step I take, sounding like a thunderous herald of my arrival, with a few rats taking cover from the potential danger. I look down at my watch, the sun has already gone down and the moon will be rising soon. I hurry my pace towards the bridge. As I reach the bridge, I see that it is worn with age. Most of the boards have rotted away and the ropes look like they could break at any moment. I doubt that it could hold my weight. And, if it did, it would not hold it for very long. I look down at the other side and it is nothing but pure blackness. A chasm that looks never ending. If I were to fall, I do not think I would ever reach the bottom in my lifetime. I then look up and what I see is astounding. A clear darken sky with stars and celestial bodies that look like nothing that would be seen from Earth. Orbs of light forming into a spiral then explode into shards that rain towards me, yet disintegrate shortly after.

With careful steps, I place my left foot on the bridge. The wood begins to creak, but it holds some of my weight. I put my gun back into its holster and hold on to the rope of the bridge for support. I place one foot in front of the other, ignoring those pieces of wood that look like they would disintegrate if a feather should fall on it. Moving forward, and then from nowhere, a gust wind sweeps across the bridge, causing it to sway to and fro. I try not to panic, yet it is taking all my reserve of courage to do so. I hear a crack as I take another step and see that one of the boards is about to give way. I ease my foot off it and attempt to step to the next board. However, there is no next board. Empty blackness is all I see before me. I begin to think if I try to use the ropes and shimmy across would it hold my weight long enough or would it break and I would fall to my doom.

I put my hand on the rope that looks the sturdiest, holding my torch in the other. I start to move across. It seems to hold and I make good progress. Whether it was good fortune or Providence, I make it to the other side of the bridge and reach solid ground. Sweat pouring from my face and my breathing is becoming more labored. I take a look at my new surroundings. There is a raised dais that looks like it was made of solid marble. Symbols and words that I cannot begin to comprehend were etched into the dais itself. Statues of humans and others otherworldly dominated everywhere. Some of the statues sent a sense of fear and terror through my psyche. I cast my eyes away towards the top of the dais and see a soft, blue glow. I feel so compelled to walk towards it. My body moves of its own accord toward the glow. Step by step I move up the dais to the light. As I approach closer, the intensity of the light becomes apparent.

I reach the top of the dais and I see statues of robed figures kneeling in a semi-circle. Above the statues is the glowing blue orb. It is no larger than a human head and floating above the statues. I walk slowly towards it but an invisible force stops me from taking another step.

“No!” A voice from nowhere says to me. And suddenly the statues that were surrounding the orb moved to face me and they all say no in unison. But, I want to continue to the light. Something inside my mind is urging me to do so. Yet, I hear the words: no…no…no…. being said from the statues. I reach for my gun and point it at the nearest statue. It stood unmoving, yet kept speaking the same word to me over and over. Instantly, I fired. The bullet bounced off the marble, causing no damage. I fired again to the same result. Seeing that it was futile, I lowered my weapon and made no resistance to move onward.

Moments passed, I looked at my watch and saw that evening has come in full. I look up to see the celestial bodies moving toward some prearranged destination; along with the moon, bright and full, moving towards the center. I reach into my pack and pull out the scroll that started all of this. When I open the scroll, the statues move back to their original positions and allow me to pass. I walk, tentatively to the center of the circle, just above the glowing orb. The scroll begins to feel warm in my hands, as if it was becoming incarnated by some unknown fire. I do not open the scroll for I am afraid of what may happen. My hands begin to tremble and I am thinking about turning around and leaving. But, I have come too far now that I cannot go back. I turn around and see that the dais is now… rising.

I am now in total panic. What is going on here? How is this thing floating and where is it going? This and millions of other questions form in my head. I hold onto the scroll like it is my life preserver. And, maybe in some way it is. I still do not open it, and the scroll itself is getting warmer by the second. I dare not drop it even when my hands are starting to blister from the heat of the scroll. I cannot take the pain anymore and I drop the scroll. Or I assumed that I did. As I let it fall, the scroll unrolls itself and floats in midair. I stare at it in shock, the scroll was blank. Nothing was there except empty space. Suddenly, words start to form on the scroll, written in red ink. Looking closer at it I realize that it is not ink, but blood. It is my blood being used to write on the scroll. The words are in a language that I could not read, yet my lips begin to speak whatever was on the scroll. Then suddenly, the statues were repeating what I was saying, softly then louder.

The scroll moves towards the center of the dais and I slowly follow behind it. This time, there is no resistance. I walk to the center of the room and the statues seem to close around me, still chanting the same words that were written on the scroll. Every syllable I utter, I feel as if a part of me is slipping away. Yet, every time I speak those words, the orb before me grows brighter and brighter.

I look up at the night sky; the moon has reached apex and the chanting from the statues ceased at once. I also stopped chanting. The scroll burns to ashes in front of me and I fall to one knee. I look at the orb and it rises into the sky and I see it growing in size. Soon it is almost the size of me.

The orb begins to crack along the middle and as it does, I can hear the sounds of screams from uncounted voices come from within it. The noise is almost unbearable. I cover my ears to try to muffle the screams but it is no use. It is now in my mind, screams upon screams. I feel like I will go deaf from the onslaught of sounds. But mercifully, when I feel like I cannot withstand the pain anymore the screams end.

I look up to where the orb is, but there is no orb. In its place there was a…person; a woman. But I cannot say it’s a woman. Something beyond even such mundane description, her eyes were like suns, bright and radiant. Her hair was the spirals of galaxies. She looked as if she was made from the universe, for the universe. I instantly became enraptured with this creature. I was in love. Total unashamed love.

A voice spoke into my mind and I knew it had to be this being before me.

I have been here before your planet was even formed amongst the dust and gas of this universe. I was ancient before the spark that made reality was even conceived. I stood waiting before even The Word was uttered. Even as I come into being, I only stay for the briefest of moments. But, when I am here, the universe shakes with my presence. My birth screams have decimated galaxies. My last one was the reasons your dinosaurs were wiped out. My cries destroyed civilizations that your world has never heard of. My name has been spoken throughout the eons, loudly and quietly. I am the destruction to some, salvation to others.

But for you, I am something else. Something more. As you will be to me. Throughout time, I always need someone to share my experiences. For the few moments of my existence, a whole span of ages to your understanding, I need one to be witness. You can be the latest of my companions. As these statues have been. You will be one of them but as a price of that, you will see the universe in all of its glory. For the briefest moments, you will see the secrets of time and reality. You are given a great honor and a great gift. Join me…

Before I can even respond, she is standing before me. She embraces me. I try to move, but her strength was astounding.

Be with me. She speaks in my mind.

I cannot resist anymore. I accept my fate and accede.

I feel a strange force entering my body. I see and feel the goddess within me, showing me her life, her existence, her destiny. It is too much. I know the human mind cannot contain all of this knowledge without losing one’s sanity. I see those who came before me trying to learn just a fraction of what she knows and then die from the attempt. I see the beings that existed before time. Their names, unspeakable to the human tongue. I see a sleeping god, under the oceans waiting for the one to awaken him. I see a being whose very name can destroy the universe encased in crystal that is slowly cracking and ready to shatter. In the center of the universe, the eldest of the gods awaits oblivion. More I see, the more I lose my sense of self. I see a book, being carried by a man dressed in…

It is too much for me. I scream but no sound comes out. I see my life flash before me. My life, one of a soldier; killing those that I did not know for a man who did not care. I see my days in primary school. I see my days smoking my first cigarette. I see myself being born. I see every moment of my life as it is being siphoned away. I see the truth of what I was to be, of what I am to become. I see that the man who gave me the scroll, a man who keeps the great book, the dreaded Necronomicon. I know what is contained in those pages, for she has shared it with me. But, I will not remember it all. I see the past, present and future.

The last image I see is of her, of the goddess, my love. She reaches out, arms extended ready to receive my embrace. I am not afraid, for I know now that this was meant for me. I feel my body becoming formless. I cannot say her name but I will say she is mine. But, I cannot claim her as my own. For none can do such a thing. She will only remain for a few million years and return to where she came, only to be reborn and the cycle starts anew. But, for what moments I have of my life as this mortal shell, it will be worth it. I don’t know what will become of me. I don’t know where the next journey will take, yet I honestly do not care. I have been given a gift that few have ever known, and even fewer can imagine. But, I do have enough of myself left to say these last few words before I am encased in this stone tomb that will serve as my home for eternity.

R’ahet azuhet smate tu. Caze tomapte sueaja. R’ahet shiua coopeq.

She came into being from nothing. But knowing she is destined to become everything. For she is the child of the universe.

She is not a child but a goddess. A universal goddess. And I love her.

SAW

I am the Hate that Hate Made

2017-06-20T04:19:00.001-07:00

I am the Hate that Hate Made,
I am the Rage that Rage Gave.
I am the Love that Love Forbade,
I am the Hope that Hope Slayed.
None do not care to know,
where the joys of ourselves go.
Love has died. Buried and gone,
we all are to blame for what went wrong.
We birthed the hate, loved by fear,
slayed our hope, our choice was clear.
The illusion of truth is all we see,
blind by our own hate - our reality.
We are all guilty of the sin,
the circle, the cycle starts, ends and starts again.
We all gave into this fate,
killed the hope and love with hate.
For I am the Hate that Hate Made.
We are the Hate that Hate Made.

This was something that I wrong a long time ago that I never let anyone read until now. Only because was something too dark and negative. Yet, from what I have seen the last few months, it stands of appropriate that it something that must, need to be shared.

I have stayed out of much of the political firestorms this nation has put itself in. Only for the reason that I learned that there are three topics that destroy friendship - families - our society.

1. Religion
2. Politics
3. Relationships

I have seen all this rip out our society and mostly because we have our differences, disagreements and core ideals. Yet, we cannot express them or even have any intelligent discussion on it without emotions being thrown in. Insults thrown, personal attacks hurled because we don't conform to one idea over another. We have devolved to a concept of Absolutes. "My way is the only way. Accept that, we can be friends. Refuse and we become enemies." And nothing is worse of these than Politics.

Politics is I believe the true reason why there is so much hate in the world. And in this country, we have volume of history of hate, written in blood, bound in book of pain, hurt, fear and ignorance.

Yet, the last decade, I don't think I ever seen such venom bleed out in our hearts. We are all guilty of this venomous hate. Even me! But, I have tried to avoid it because I know that no matter what can be said, people will never accept any opposite view. We believe the words of the 4th Estate as truth. Yet, we cannot do our own thinking, our own research and let others do it for us.

But in politics, we find the truest expressions of hate...and hypocrisy.

I know this will rub many people the wrong way, but if you can't look into the mirror and see the simple truth, then I can't help you.

When President Obama was in office, I have seen many people, many of my friends included throw so much hate and so much vileness about him that I have lost respect for many people, some I known for years. I usually just ignored it but there been a few times, that I could not hold my tongue and had to speak a few things. Some caused much more mess than solved but I was more disappointed than anything. Mostly because I have seen the true colors and their truest selves. You would think it was the end of the world for so many. Some say you must respect the office and the man in it. Yet many didn't, wouldn't couldn't and dared anyone to say anything. What's worse, is some of the pictures I have seen some of these people post. Yet, they claim it as freedom of speech and defend it as their 1st amendment right. Yes, you have that right, yet, you are not free from the consequence, Sadly I had one person post something like this:

Now I know that there been effigies done for Presidents for years, but not with this much fervor. And when confronted, they get defensive claiming it's their right to say this..don't like it...tough...unfriend me if you don't like it.

Not let us fast forward to now...We leave Mr. Obama who had been so polarizing and replace it with Mr. Trump. Who is just as polarizing. Now you have many people who one end of the spectrum revisit the same hated, the same vile, and the same effigies. And now, what do you see...the ones who only years ago do the same thing. claim that you need to and MUST respect the office and the man in it. Yet, where were those same people who did the same thing? Oh yeah...being blind in their own hypocrisy

Hello Pot...meet my friend Kettle...

What's worse is that you have so many who saw what Kathy Griffin do and ready to storm the gates and have her tarred and feathered., Now I don't condone what she did. It was huge lapse in judgement and a blatant display of utter stupidity. Yet. it's interesting that this...

so different from this...

If you can accept one and condemn the other. Regardless of where you stand...you are a hypocrite. I don't like that it has become so insane. I just feel it's pretty bad. But, what is worse...you hate to see people at such ends because of philosophies. And what's worse is some people say oooh what Kathy did was soooooo traumatic to the Don's Children..did she ever think of that...and yet, when some say what you think of what Obama's children would feel to see some image of their father being lynched. What makes one so different without the other? I challenge anyone to reply and tell me where one is better/worse than the other....

I'll wait.....

I see that we as a society have become the hate that hate has been spawned. Sadly, I feel that it's only going to get worse. I just wish that we could just sit down and have one come to Jesus meeting, iron out every difference and attempt to become a better place for all. Yet that is a dream if impossibility. But we are the hate that hate made...

We are all guilty of its conception...it is the mirror image of our own deep emotions and the image of our secret hearts. Help us all...

SAW

Finding Illumination in a Mind of Dark Ignorance.

2017-02-12T17:08:00.000-08:00

"To wear a cloak of ignorance to protect themselves from the truth is like a seed planted in barren soil. Neither will grow in inhospitable places." - ME

"Doubt is the open gate through which slips the most fatal of enemies."

I would like to change the word doubt to Ignorance. The that one line would be very appropriate to what this entry is about. The last few days, I just been in a deep quagmire of thoughts about how some people
can think so small and try to condemn an opinion with ignorance and call the speaker ignorant.

Let me bring a bit of light to the situation and see if I was wrong for stating one simple opinion which can be easily verified.

I was reading a thread about a hot bed topic of racism and one individual stated as a white woman of color she can't see how know what racism is or what can be classified as racist. I have replied that of course you can because I have seen that whites can be targeted for racism just as easily as any other group. Some call it reverse-racism. Which is a stupid label. Racism is racism bottom line. I get straight blasted with a response saying that Whites have never been a subject of systematic oppression. I actually agreed and say no they have not offhand. Look for the word of today, kids....AGREED! I stated that one particular group of whites been oppressed, targeted of racism and just said with all respect just look it up. I never attacked anyone just responded in a respectful manner. I get straight attacked saying that one period does not compare to the centuries of oppression and that my ignorance is showing. Now, this is the funny part. I do agree it don't but I never said it was a comparison only an inclusion of whites to the whole mess. And some had to chime in saying that oh everyone always will throw in 1 example of a discrimination and say that is the whole accumulation. Got one there, that's it, thanks for playing. You can't mix apples with oranges. But, yet, that's exactly what it is. How can you justify that one was bad no matter how long the period of time that it occurred to the other. Both were bad; both were dark times in history and sadly it just want to be ignored like it didn't happen. (White Guilt maybe??)

The whole problem is that everyone in one way or another have been a victim of some racism. If you have not, then you are truly a blessed person. Or incredibly naive. Many have been through it more so than others. Yet, we strive to get past such idiocies. But, to sit there and say that one race can't clearly speak of racism because they never been through is the epitome of ignorance.

To sum up the whole situation, I just left the whole conversation alone and I have thought to myself, was I wrong for stating that I, a person of color had to try to help bring to some simple illumination to one who isn't their own history; just to get attacked because they wish to ignore their own history. Oh wait we don't want to acknowledge their points of racism because blacks had hundreds of years to drawn upon instead of a few decades. See the foolishness here? Both are bad. This isn't a pissing contest of who had it bad worse? That was never my intent, or my purpose. Only to attempt to bring into context every race is targeted. Now am I going to say that whites never had a whole system of laws to keep themselves with progressing forward to be better citizens and a better society? Absolutely not. And what's worse of this compared affirmative action to Jim Crow.

I'm going to let that one sink in for a moment....just take a few seconds

Are you freaking kidding me?? How in the hell are those even remotely similar? That are as different as night and day. Now the only fair argument is that it does posses the similar quality of discrimination. That's it. But to even say they are in a in the complete realm is crazy.Jim Crow just gave an excuse for one society to alienate another society. Separate yet equal...(which is wasn't) Trust me, I have family that experienced it. Hell, I grew up in Mississippi and I can attest to this first hand, there places that STILL do this even today. Affirmative action only gives most people job opportunities that at many times, not based on their qualifications, but by gender, race etc. And mostly a employment quota system. Yes, it can be discriminatory no doubt, even systematic but not anywhere are oppressive. Whoever said that, please read a book on business ethics and get some remedial history classes.

In closing, I just have to sit down and really think to myself, have we progressed anywhere with trying to become an enlightened society? With the tensions that have been brewing the last few months, I am sad to think that we will never be able to rise up from such base concepts. If people can just overlook such trivialities and think of the most positive attitudes, there will be no limit where our society will go or what achievements can be obtained. Call it wishful thinking from my part. I honestly don't know.

"An ignorant mind is an imprisoned mind. Blessed are they whose mind is open and free. For the world of wisdom shall be there to have."

Merry Christmas...ehhhh not feeling festive.

2015-12-22T05:14:00.000-08:00

Just for some reason, I wish I can say why, I just have not been in any type of holiday spirit. I just have been here thinking, I wish this time of year can be over and get back to normal. Then again, just as Christmas ends, it switches towards the evilest of holidays - Valentine's Day. UUUUUGH!

But, I don't know why I just been caught in the holiday blues. I figured helping others, or just forcing myself to be a bit cheerful would get me out of this rut. However, it just made it a bit worse. I mostly keep allot of this to myself and wear a fake smile for others. It's a good thing I do hiding my true feelings. I don't need to ruin others happy times because of my crappy one. But I will just keep up with the happy face. Seeing so many others having such happy joy in their hearts. Doing whatever they do to celebrate good mirth, love, family, food, whatever makes one tick and been jolly. Me on the other hand, I just to a point, I honestly do not care.

Call it the holiday blues, season depression. I don't know. It can be anything thing. But, truth is that my heart is just not in it. To be honest, it hasn't been this way for a long time. Yet, we do what we must endure for the sake of others. Why let your pain affect others right?

And on the magical soapbox I stand...

2015-06-25T20:12:00.003-07:00

and this will probably cause me to lose a few of my minions and followers. Yet, I just have to say this, if you don't know that I am a person who just speaks my mind and reaction be damned, then, I must really say you must be new here.

Well I will preface my rant by saying that I am no in way, shape or form going to be politically correct. Yet, those who know me would be saying....is this something new. You never been correct about much. And well, maybe there some truth in it. SO! If you are looking for something socially sensitive and that noise, you may as well just click that box X on the right side and move along. You will not like it and it will make you madder than sin.

Now that I got the disclaimer out of the way. Here we go...

I for one, the Villain of the Webway, am about fed up with all this talk and nonsense about the damned Confederate flag and I really wish that people would just shut the hell up about it. I will say it for the following reasons.

1. The flag has no bearing of how I am living right now, nor does it affect me in any way. Because, unlike so many emotionally charged people let their feelings speak before their brains can even catch up, like to just spew out the true bovine fecal matter of what it inclines and blah blah blah....

Let me bring a little sunshine to this stormy place. There many African Americans who can agree that really you going to bring this up when there plenty of other things that is a bit more important than a piece of cloth with a tattered history to it? Sorry, let's get some priorities here. What happened in Charleston was a pure tragedy and an act of domestic TERRORISOM in every sense of the word. This guy wanted to trigger a race war and guess what....he is already winning by so many of the political warhounds, ignorant racebaiters, and social crusaders who now feel it's all due cause to remove the flag from the state buildings in South Carolina, and then some in my own home state of Mississippi. Reason being it is because it's a symbol of slavery and hate.

Here is a bit of irony here....I have seen many images of the KKK and their ilk waving the American flag just as much as they wave the Confederate flag. So are we going to say that Old Glory is a symbol of slavery and hatred too? I know many say it's just a part of Southern pride and heritage and not hate. That twisted individuals took something and created something diabolical and a horrid. The some who just feel that since South lost the American Civil War that the flag should been a symbol of treason and discarded outright. If that was the case, then why wasn't it done during the Reconstruction years? Wait, maybe because no one cared.

Some just look at the flag as a symbol of slavery. Well I hate to break it to many people but can you show me any ship that had the rebel flag on the mast as it brought slavers from Africa here? Go here I'll wait......didn't think so.

And speaking of slavery, people let's just make one thing absolutely clear and I will say this is simple as possible. Not all slave owners were white. Some of the first slave owners were black so let's not just put everyone white into one basket. And let's be even more clear about it. There were many white slaves are well as blacks. But do you hear any of them yelling through the rafters about it?

And those who think that the war between the states was purely about slavery...please go read. I have debated this with my teachers in high school and did my own research....before Wikipedia mind you. The war was NOT about slavery. It was about state rights. Slavery was only one of the most miniscule by-products of that. However, the North won, their recollection of events was the official record. Just goes to show the adage:

History is written by the victors, the truth is told by the survivors.

I have stooped down and debated this with many people of social media and yeah of course, I get called everything under the sun: to a sell-out to a Uncle Tom and one of those House Negros. Well hell as hot as it been around here, I don't mind being in an air conditioned house now. I usually laugh at them. Because their ignorance is their shield, their stupidity their salvation. And one had the pure gal to say I was probably one of those who never dealt with harsh realities of racism and have the Carlton Banks Syndrome. First off all...I grew up in Mississippi where many believe the Civil War has not ended. I have seen firsthand the reality of racism. I have seen Klansmen marching and spewing their rhetoric. I been called more derogatory names here and there. But you know what, I brush it off because I don't let what others say define who I am. The biggest weapon against folks like that is self-worth. I know who I am, what I am, where I came from and where I'm going. I brush it off because if that is the best you can say, then I already won the battle.

Shake them haters off....

I am thinking seriously that everything is going to be offensive to someone. Someone said we are becoming a sissified society and in a way....I am starting to agree with them. I mean if we are being offended by this and that; where will we draw the line? What is the limit? I mean we going to end up being just a social void where you can't say, act, or feel without pissing someone off.

I can care less bout a rebel flag, I think there more pressing issues our society need to be contending with. Yet, we are worried about this nonsense. We are already sitting on a powder keg and there a fuse that is lit and ready to explode and that one guys vision of social anarchy will come to pass. I just feel that one person's symbol is another's simple object. It's your own personal interruption that matters. I for one just see it's some cloth that has no meaning for me. I already just ignored many people who have nothing better to do than become social crusaders who I really wish would just shut the hell up. But the block button is such a godsend.

I could continue this rant, but I will stop because it's becoming more annoying the more I type. But, I will just say this...people wake up. Let's worry about more serious matters than a piece of fabric flying above buildings or on clothing.

And the rest who just keep asking my thoughts on it...here is my answer...let it sink in...

Now...where is my tea?

SAW

Happy Saturday...

2015-02-14T18:12:00.002-08:00

I for one cannot wish or even any gumption to say Happy Valentine's Day for two simple reasons. One is that I have a deep, resounding, and complete hatred of this day. For me, it's a personal hatred for some many experiences in my life have occurred on this day; that it gives one a very bad taste in your mouth. It also gives you a since of wisdom and need to avoid it at all cost. I won't really go into much of the things that went down. However, I will summarize that many of the aches, disappointments, and bullshit that went down in another lifetime ago, is the building blocks that have formed the cynical villain the world has come to know and loathe ever since.I have written Congress asking if there could be a bill go before the floor to have this holiday removed from all Calendars. Yet, I think the bastards on Capitol Hill been getting kickbacks from candy companies and maybe a few jewelers to boot. It's okay I guess. I will just boycott it in my own way. I been seeing all kinds of announcements, pictures and whatnot of folks who feel they need to go all out in outdoing their peers or on-up others to express their professed love to them. And pray they meet the standards that one has set or end up being replaced. Trust me, I know it from experience and just today, someone arguing with their significant other because it wasn't as expensive or as wonderful as it was last year. The whole thing ended with her saying keep your cheap gift, cheap thoughts and go away. The pure ungratefulness of this is mind-numbing. Then again, I been there done that and got the t-shirt.

Which brings me to the second reason why I despise this day...the whole commercialism of it all.I mean between every candy company, florist, and jeweler, billions of dollars are being made off these saps to ensure they don't get dump, replaced or divorced by the 15th. I keep saying that this is the one day out of the year where love DOES have a price tag. Don't believe me, look at the reactions of your partner with something cheap over something that you took a 2nd mortgage on your home for. You can believe that phrase, "It's the thought that counts." And I will bet you a response will be,"well you should have thought of getting something better or classy."

And don't think for one single, second that there is a contest being held with friends and peers into who gets the better gift - or the most original i.e. Most Expensive. If you don't believe me, then I got some beach front property in Denver dirt cheap for you and I'll throw in a swamp for free. There is a Keep up with the Valentine Jones for bragging rights. Of course many will not admit it, however it's ok.

I did step away from most social media today just won't have a whole slew of Valentine Crap being posted.

Killing nature and making folks fat...tisk tisk tisk....

And if I ever see that fat little bastard with wings and bow...well let's just say...

Well I will make it look like self defense.

And here is a history lesson for you all....

Damn Bastard.....

And the only good thing about this day is....

So in closing I can't wait for normality to resume tomorrow and this day of demonic torture comes to an end. And I wonder how many break-ups will happen? One has already went down. I will place good odds there be maybe five or six. And those saps who have to go with their dates to see that Celluloid Abortion called 50 Shades of Grey, I do hope you get some afterwards. But I do have an idea there going to be many babies being spawned out around Thanksgiving. And you can be part of the 50 Shades of Diapers, followed with 50 Shades of Buttwipes...so.....