By Liz Brody
Graphic by Shepard Fairey’s
Studio Number One

Read the whole article here: Tell Somebody!

Allegations of child sex abuse at Penn State provide a teachable moment for male sports culture–and the rest of us: Being silent can now get you in trouble. Rob Okun says the NCAA should start running teach-ins about the new game rules straight away.

View the full article here.

Breaking the Silence

By­ Co-founders -­ A CALL TO MEN

“There’s a code of silence that we don’t dare speak; There’s a wall between and the river’s

deep…” -­- Bruce Springsteen “Code of Silence” 

In the recent tragedy atPennStateit is reported that trusted Coach Jerry Sandusky was arrested on 40 counts related to allegations of sexual abuse of eight young boys over a 15-­year period. This allegedly occurred while other coaches looked on and kept silent about what they saw, what they knew and perhaps even tried to cover up for their colleague and “the program.”

As men we have a long history invested in collusion with other men and codes of silence. Also known as codes of honor, vows of silence, the blue curtain of silence with names like “the family” or “the brotherhood.” Many of us, in our youth and adulthood, have participated in defining violators of the code of silence as haters, suckers, punks, rats, snitches, weasels, a snake and much worse.

This pervasive silence among men in our culture to protect the status quo, to win at any cost, and never tell on your brother is a glaring example of how destructive the current model and definition of manhood operates to demean, diminish and oppress anyone who is not considered a “real man” in our society. Our fear of being perceived as less than a man or weak, keeps us in line with these codes, regardless of right and wrong. This fear is running rampant and dominating our sense of righteousness. Dare we be a “whistleblower” when most of us as boys have been told “don’t be a tattle tale.”

This code protects men from confronting or challenging other men about their behavior, no matter how violent or inappropriate. This agreement has at its foundation the belief that men have more value and should receive entitlements and benefits, even if it compromises the rights and humanity of anyone else and therefore should be given priority, protection

and the benefit of the doubt in cases of any wrong doing. These social and cultural norms, that have been established by men for the benefit of men, are steeped in our history, laws and tradition and we continue to pass this belief system down to our sons and boys.

While all of the perpetrators of thePennStateincident need to be held accountable and dealt with swiftly by the law, it does not let the rest of us off the hook. What happened atPennStateis “a cough in the cold,” a symptom of the illness. While clearly, there are specific individuals involved and responsible, we believe that this is not just an individual ill but a social ill requiring a social response.

As men, we must join the growing movement of men and women, willing to challenge these age old notions and norms defining manhood. We must be willing to escape the fear of being viewed as less than a man and branded an outcast or “traitor” of the unit, the organization , the team. We must be willing to step outside of what we at A CALL TO MEN call “The Man Box”. We must be willing to break the code of silence which continues to restrict us and compromise our humanity… 

“We keep pretending that there’s nothing wrong; But there’s a code of silence and it can’t go on” — Bruce Springsteen “Code of Silence”

A CALL TO MEN

As adolescents, boys and girls are forming their first conclusions about what to expect in intimate relationships. Teenagers may be predisposed to accept physical violence because of their exposure to it in their homes, communities and in the media. Given this early learning, it is critical to recognize and respond to early warning signs. The following are common clues that a young person may be experiencing dating violence or date rape.

Physical bruises or other signs of injury
Bear in mind that victims will often attempt to hide their injuries due to embarrassment. Be alert to sudden changes in dress or make-up, as well as explanations of injuries which seem out of character.

Truancy, failing, withdrawn from activities, dropping out of school
An abusive relationship drains the victim of energy. The energy the victim has is spent trying to make this right for the perpetrator.

Sudden or increased social isolation
Due to shame or sudden jealous accusations on the part of the victim’s violent partner, the victim will withdraw from friends and become increasingly isolated. This can be particularly hideous for the gay or lesbian youth who may already be experiencing isolation.

Difficulty making decisions
Victims may appear anxious about make independent decisions because they must continuously “get permission” from their partners. Another sign is the victim’s sudden avoidance of eye contact.

Sudden changes in mood or personality
These changes may include depression, withdrawal, acting out, secretiveness, increased insecurity or feelings of inadequacy, anxiousness, and preoccupations with the victim’s partner.

Use of alcohol or drugs
This may be in response to direct pressure from the abusive partner or an attempt to numb the victim’s pain or emotional ambivalence about the relationship.

Pregnancy
Many young victims feel pregnancy will get them out of a bad situation. Over 70% of pregnant or parenting teens are beaten by their partner. Pregnancy significantly increases the risk of violence in teenage relationships.

Crying easily; getting “hysterical” or overeating to minor incidents
Victims live in fear and under extreme tension. They are constantly trying to second guess their partners moods in an attempt to avoid violence. Reacting to this stress the victim may explode or become hysterical in response to something minor. They may also become or use violence themselves.

Recognizing the Early Warning Signs for Perpetrators

Young people who physically or sexually assault their partner don’t often fit out common stereotype of the “bully.” There are all types of perpetrators. Some are loudly aggressive, while other may be passive in public. Some are gregarious, while others are “loners.” Many are popular model students. Ofteh the victim is not believed when reporting abuse since the perpetrator does not fit the picture that others have of them. It is important to look beyond students’ academic and social reputations when investigating reports of physical or sexual abuse.

The victim reports abuse or threats
Remember there are all types of victims too. Some lack credibility because they have a worse reputation than the perpetrator. Don’t be swayed by public image.

Alcohol of drug use
Some perpetrators rely on alcohol or drugs to release them from their normal inhibitions or to give them the courage to become more aggressive toward their partners.

Possessive or jealous behavior
Whether in public or private, possessiveness and jealous accusation often precede and follow violence. The abusive person will often attempt to socially isolate their partner by forbidding them to see or talk to others or by making frequent accusations of infidelity which forces the victim to limit their social life. Gay and lesbian abusers will use possessiveness to keep young victims from connecting with the gay community. They want to keep information about possible support hidden from the victim.

Involvement with younger partners
Perpetrators will date younger partners so that they can be more in control. Often the older perpetrator will be the first real relationships the victim has had. The victim is dependent on their older partner for information about what relationships should be, which the partner exploits.

Harassment or threats toward current or former partner
Failure to accept the end of a relationship is a common indicator of physical abuse. Often victims are abused or threatened when they try to end an abusive relationship.

Pressuring dates or sex
People who use coercive tactics to win dates are likely to be abusive in order to maintain a relationship. Intense preoccupations with going out with one person or with having sex are potential indicators of abuse.

Public displays of anger or ridicule toward women
For the heterosexual male perpetrator these may include frequent or loud pronouncements of scorn toward a particular woman or toward women in general. They may also include sexual harassment of women ranging from making suggestive sexual comments or gestures to unwanted touching or grabbing. ]]> http://www.standupguys.org/recognizing-the-early-warning-signs/feed/ 0 http://www.standupguys.org/recognizing-the-early-warning-signs/ http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/Standupguysorg/~3/M6Rh1O_xuCw/ http://www.standupguys.org/men-behaving-badly/#comments Mon, 24 Oct 2011 19:51:20 +0000 admin http://www.standupguys.org/?p=1473 It’s a consistent storyline in the media, involving powerful men in politics, sports, businesses and religion: Men behave with utter disregard for the dignity and humanity of women – using and abusing them at will, and acting as if they believe they are entitled to do so. These men seem to think that the ordinary rules of decent behavior do not apply to them. We have a never-ending cavalcade of disgusting stories about men cheating on their wives and abandoning old wives for new ones; engaging in serial philandering as a way of life; sexually harassing and assaulting women; and even committing rape. But when all is said and done, the perpetrators are still playing basketball, football, and golf; they are still holding or running for political office; and they are still at the helm of the institutions of the economy and even the church.

Arnold Schwarzenegger, Donald Trump, Dominique Strass-Kahn, the (now former) chief of the International Monetary Fund, John Edwards, and Anthony Weiner have all been in the media lately for sins and crimes past, present and accused. The stories have recently come out about a longtime affair Schwarzenegger had with a member of his house staff, Trump’s long ad blatant history of sexism, John Edward’s indictment for campaign finance law violations covering up an affair, Anthony Weiner’s tweeting lewd photos of himself, and, most gravely and serious of all, Strauss-Kahn’s alleged sexual assault against a hotel maid.

As the secret stories are revealed, the media exhibits great interest and perverse excitement. The pain and suffering of the women involved, and the invisible hurt of the children, are brushed aside. Instead the women are often subtly, and sometimes directly, blamed. And sometimes, in all-male circles, there is a wink and a nod, and, most disgustingly, even a little envy of the powerful men who get to break all the rules when it comes to women. The primary outcry is from other women who, in the name of equality and dignity, lament this continual pattern of abuse.

What often has been missing from this too-often repeated narrative is the condemnation of these behaviors and attitudes by other men – especially men who are in positions of power, authority, and influence. While the primary blame lies with the perpetrators, we should look next at the good men who say nothing. It’s time for good men to hold accountable those who abuse women. Those who abuse, assault, and rape are not real men. They distort and destroy and sense of healthy manhood. It’s time to tell our sons that they must never act like these abusers and perpetrators, and to make sure to raise our own sons to love, respect, and be faithful to women.

While many have provided ugly self-caricatures of the moral corruption of men in power, Donald Trump sums it up well. For example, the “Trump Rule,” according to a book by Miss USA pageant contestant, required that all contestants parade in front of Trump, the co-owner of the pageant, so that he could separate out those he found attractive. Trump once said this about his own daughter,  Ivanka; “Shes does have a very nice figure… if [she] weren’t my daughter, perhaps I’d be dating her.”  And as if to demonstrate how oblivious to criticism (and good taste) he really is, Trump once told Esquire magazine, “You know, it doesn’t really matter what [the media] write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of [expletive].”

For me, men who treat women this way serve only one useful function: They serve as anti-role models for my two sons. They exemplify what I hope my boys will never become. So here is my little contribution to condemning men who need to be condemned for behaving badly: When TV shows with these unrepentant men come on, we will change the channel. When movies come out with them on the big screen, we will stay home. When sports games are played with them as stars, we won’t be buying tickets. When another media story erupts because of more bad behavior, my boys will be told that men who abuse women are not real men. They might still have money and power, but their abuse of women diminishes their humanity.

Women are already speaking out, and now it’s time for more men to also say that this bad behavior is not acceptable. More men must condemn men who treat women badly, not only as immoral and sometimes criminal, but also as the worst examples of what and who we are supposed to be. These men have given their humanity over to their animal impulses. I hope all of these recent revelations are lessons to politicians: Your sin will find you out.

We should publicly point out their bad and unacceptable behavior and punish their acts as an example to others. We need to establish as a firm principle: The abuse of women by men will not be tolerated. And the voices of more men need to join the chorus to make that perfectly clear.

-John Wallis is editor-in-chief of Sojourners

Pete Navratil – 585-355-7418
Karen Messina – 585-752-5095

Stand Up Guys.org
Email: karen@standupguys.org

Stand Up Guys Co-Founder, Annie Lane, receives Verizon Wireless 11th Annual HopeLine Award 
Recognizing outstanding achievements in service to domestic violence victims and domestic violence prevention

Rochester, NY., October 3, 2011 – On Sunday, September 25, 2011, Verizon Wireless presented Annie Lane, co-founder of Stand Up Guys, with the 11th Annual HopeLine Award. This award recognizes Lane’s tireless efforts – as a volunteer – to prevent domestic and sexual violence against women and her commitment to domestic violence victims and survivors. The award, which included an engraved plaque and a $2,500 Verizon Wireless HopeLine grant issued to Stand Up Guys, was presented at Ralph Wilson Stadium prior to the Buffalo Bills vs. New England Patriots game.

“Annie’s energy and passion for preventing violence against women is contagious,” said Peter Navratil, co-founder of Stand Up Guys. “Her commitment to this work is truly unending and is evidenced in her efforts which have made Stand Up Guys a leading contributor to the domestic, dating, and sexual violence prevention landscape in our area; and in the support and assistance she so willingly gives to victims of domestic violence, like Sue Resch (mother of Hunter Resch who was killed by his father in February 2010).”

The Verizon Wireless HopeLine Award recognizes individuals who help work to end domestic violence or assist victims of this tragedy within his or her community. Lane, a domestic violence survivor herself, has dedicated her life to Stand Up Guys. The award nomination, submitted by Janice T. Farone, Lane’s sister, highlighted Lane’s extraordinary ability to collaborate in the community and with other domestic and sexual violence related organizations to help victims, engage men in the effort to prevent violence against women, and raise awareness of the issue. In Farone’s words, “Annie has touched thousands of people in the Rochester community with her message to end domestic violence.”

Highlights of Lane’s achievements included in the nominating essay, included:

• Building a board of directors for Stand Up Guys and garnering thousands of pledges from men who are committed to being a stand up guy – most recently Marv Levy, Raising over $25,000 in donations and grants to support Stand Up Guys mission.
• Reaching out to Sue Resch, mother of Hunter Resch, who was murdered by his father, and arranging to have Hunter honored by Stand Up Guys at the 2010 Annual Crime Victims Walk. Her efforts have resulted in donations in excess of $500 to the Hunter Resch Foundation. Similarly, Annie co-created an honorarium for Randy Norman, a man murdered while trying to help a woman under attack. By collaborating with SUNY Brockport Women’s Center, Stand Up Guys presented Randy’s parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, and children with an award celebrating Randy’s life.

For more information on Stand Up Guys, go to www.standupguys.org or call 585.546.STAND(7826).

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About Stand Up Guys

Stand Up Guys is a 501(c)3 nonprofit organization of well-intentioned and well-meaning men and boys working in partnership with women and girls to raise awareness of violence against women and children. The mission of Stand Up Guys is to end violence against women and children and to promote gender equality, safety and justice in our community. We accomplish this mission through prevention education, community projects and by holding events and activities that raise awareness.

Thanks so much!

Contacts:
Allison (Alli) O’Malley Annie Lane
Executive Director Co-Founder
Safe Journey Stand Up Guys
Cell: 585.727.7598 Cell: 585.329.9199
Email: safejourney@frontiernet.net Email: annie@standupguys.org

Safe Journey, Love Ministries Fellowship Church and Stand Up Guys announce the
Faith & Family Workshop, Saturday, September 17, 2011
A free community event to explore the role of faith in overcoming and preventing domestic violence

Fairport, NY, August 18, 2011 — Safe Journey, a nonprofit domestic violence resource and support center, Love Ministries Fellowship Church, and Stand Up Guys, a nonprofit organization promoting men’s engagement in prevention of violence against women are collaborating to present the Faith & Family Workshop on Saturday, September 17, 2011, from 2:00 PM to 9:00 PM, at the Roberts Wesleyan College Cultural Life Center, 2301 Buffalo Road, Rochester, 14624. The event will explore the role of faith and the Church in overcoming and preventing domestic violence. The keynote address, at 6:30 PM, will feature Lauretta Pierce, chief executive officer of Covenant Cookies and a domestic violence survivor, who credits her remarkable climb from violence and poverty to safety and prosperity to her faith in God and His profound grace. Ms. Pierce, is a nationally-recognized advocate for domestic violence and has been featured on ABC News and TBN.

Families in every segment of society experience domestic violence. The issue of faith as it relates to domestic violence can be particularly difficult. Victims struggle with how to live up to expectations of their faith in the context of abuse. Clergy struggle with how to respond to families or couples when abuse is disclosed. And congregations struggle with how to support families – and individuals within those families – who are embroiled in the conflict. “For too long, many victims have misunderstood what is asked of them as Christians who are hurting at the hands of a loved one,” said Alli O’Malley, Safe Journey’s executive director. “As victims struggle to make necessary and difficult choices needed to escape violence and live safely, they often feel ostracized from the Church or overwhelmed by the sin of breaking their marriage vow.” The Faith and Family Workshop will explore these issues in depth.

The Church, serving as the moral center in society, also has a role to play in holding perpetrators of family violence accountable and in encouraging men – who statistically represent the majority of perpetrators – to live Christ-centered lives founded on love. “Society and the Church offer different and conflicting perspectives on what it means to be a man,” said Jack Brennick, co-founder of Stand Up Guys. “Where scripture and the Church call upon husbands to ‘…honor your wives and do not be harsh to them’, society purports that ‘real men are strong and in control’ and that ‘men don’t get in other men’s business’. Together with the help of the Church, we can interrupt the behaviors, beliefs and attitudes that trespass on the sanctity of intimate relationships.”

The one-day Faith & Family Workshop is divided into two segments and is open to anyone wishing to better understand what Christian theology, ritual and practice dictate in violent or abusive relationships. Participants can choose to attend all or part of the day. From 2:30pm to 5:45pm, a 90-minute pastoral panel with Protestant, Catholic and non-denominational Christian clergy will hear domestic violence survivor stories and respond to the survivor’s questions, dispel myths regarding sin and expectations of the Church, and then discuss ways the Church can support prevention initiatives. Three (3) concurrent 60-minute breakout sessions will follow the panel and discuss topics ranging from ministering to those hurt by or engaged in family violence; fostering radiant relationships and engaging men in the prevention of violence against women; and conducting safety planning, generating community referrals and identifying when laws are being broken. A hors d’oeuvres reception will follow the breakout sessions and feature exhibits from local domestic violence service providers.

Engaging the Church and faith leaders in the effort to help victims break the cycle of violence in their lives and to reduce the prevalence of domestic violence is critically important. “Domestic violence creates deep spiritual wounds for victims, their children and the abuser,” said Pastor James Cooper, Love Ministries Fellowship Church. “The Church has an important role to play as a place of hope and healing, and it must also strive to support healthy marriages and build strong families.”

The second half of the workshop is open to everyone and runs from 6:30 PM to 9:00 PM. It will include worship and an inspiring, motivating conversation with keynote speaker, Lauretta Pierce, a domestic violence survivor turned advocate and millionaire entrepreneur. Ms. Pierce will share her extraordinary story of survival following years of abuse that culminated in a near fatal attack from her ex-husband; and how her faith in a loving God gave her the strength to overcome great adversity and create the abundant life she now enjoys. Following the keynote, Ms. Pierce will greet participants at a dessert reception, featuring Covenant Cookies and coffee.

Event sponsors include Roberts Wesleyan College Divisions of Social Work and Social Sciences, Northeastern Seminary and University of Rochester Laboratory of Interpersonal Violence and Victimization. Exhibitors include Rochester/Monroe County Domestic Violence Consortium, Agape Counseling Associates, Millstone Justice and others.

The event is free and open to the community. Advance online registration is required and can be found at www.safejourney.org or www.loveministriesonline.com. To make a donation to the event, become an exhibitor, or register by phone, call 585.425.1580.

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About Safe Journey

Safe Journey is a non-residential resource and support center, located in Fairport, NY, that serves suburban, rural and urban survivors of domestic violence as they strive to rebuild their lives. From a secure, handicapped accessible location, Safe Journey provides individual counseling, support groups, lifeskills training, legal and financial coaching, and resettlement services at no cost to clients. Community and teen education programs are also available. For more information, go to www.safejourney.org.

About Love Ministries Fellowship Church

Love Ministries Fellowship Church, located on Scottsville Road, held its inaugural service in June 2011 and is welcoming new members. Our ultimate goal is to bring every person into a relationship with Jesus Christ and our mission is to restore the family back to God’s original plan as stated in Genesis before the fall. We encourage strong family values based on solid biblical principles and stand against anything that negatively impact families. For more information, go to www.loveministriesonline.com.

About Stand Up Guys

Stand Up Guys is 501(c)3 nonprofit organization of well-intentioned and well-meaning men working in partnership with women to raise awareness of violence against women and girls. The mission of Stand Up Guys is to end violence against women and children and to promote gender equality, safety and justice in our community. We accomplish this mission through prevention education, community projects and by holding events and activities that raise awareness. For more information, go to www.standupguys.org.

About Lauretta Pierce

Lauretta Pierce, chief executive officer of Covenant Cookies, is a domestic violence advocate, motivational speaker, entrepreneur, author, philanthropist, and mother. Behind her gentle smile and caring spirit is a story of tragedy, abuse, poverty and great pain. She has overcome some of life’s most difficult circumstances. Lauretta’s inspiring story has been shared with thousands of people from all walks of life. After spending a few minutes with her you can’t help but believe – regardless of your situation – that with God at the center of your life you can overcome. As she has said many times,
“there is truly a God that will turn your mess into a miracle.”