Starbucks Drama

Would you take an iMac to Starbucks?

2012-05-31T00:21:00.000-04:00

Walk into any Starbucks anywhere on the planet and you will see a veritable forest of laptops, smartphones and assorted iDevices. Hipsters, students and soccer moms alike crowd the comfy chairs, tables and every available surface and fight over power outlets like ravenous monarchs carving up Europe.

What you SELDOM see is a a full-fledged desktop unit.

UNTIL LAST NIGHT.

I walked into one of my regular Starbucks ... yes, I have multiple "regular" Starbucks. I can grade them, if I must...

There's a middle-aged man sitting at the big six-seater work table with a 27-inch iMac, wireless keyboard and mouse (Apple 27 " 2.7GHz Intel Quad-Core i5 iMac Desktop Computer - MC813LL/A). He had it facing the door, so anyone who walked in could see what he was working on.

THANK THE STARS HE WASN'T WATCHING PORN.

My friend and I grabbed coffee, sat down and frankly, gaped. Because it IS NOT everyday that you see this. Dude just proceeded to work away. He had either Photoshop or Illustrator open, doing some graphic design work on a picture of a flower and a bee. He was removing some dust and specks, fixing the blue and bringing out the yellows and greens. He zoomed in and out and in and out on the bee. I got bored and we went back to gossip.

The carrying case was just as interesting. It was one of those hard plastic equipment cases, like what high-end photographers or other professionals might transport their gear in on planes.

At 9:50 p.m., when folks started packing up, this dude got up, unplugged the mouse, wrapped it up, then unplugged the computer. He opened up the case and it was all foam inside. ALL FOAM.

He laid the computer inside. Then the wireless keyboard went into a special slot. The mouse went into a little bubble. I WAS AMAZED.

OK. Now. My real job is at a newspaper, where I do a lot of everything, from reporting to multimedia. I've been kind of annoyed when I have to edit photos or do some graphic design on my laptop, which has a 15-inch screen, but I'm extremely portable. In extreme cases, I've even pulled over on the side of the road, plugged in and connected to the Internet via my iPhone's personal hotspot and filed a story. At least twice, I've filed four paragraphs by typing a story in the "Notes" app on my phone and emailing that back to my editors.

No matter what, even if I was doing heavy-duty design work, I simply cannot conceive of lugging around a 27-inch iMac just for the luxury of a huge screen. MUCH LESS SETTING UP SHOP IN A STARBUCKS.

For starters, even though my MacBook Pro is more expensive, it is dramatically less likely to be knocked off a table. Also - PRIVACY. Everyone saw what he was working on.

Not to mention the weight. My MacBook Pro is 5.6 pounds. Apple pegs the 27-inch iMac at a whopping 30 POUNDS!!!!! Can you imagine lugging that around?

I just don't get it. Then again, I guess if you can buy a $2,000 computer and tote it to Starbucks, you probably don't care.

What is the strangest thing you've ever seen at a Starbucks? Computer or otherwise?

Sugar-free, with chocolate whipped cream

2012-05-28T21:34:00.002-04:00

Oh, Starbucks customers. Please never change. Your silliness never ceases to amaze me.

Tonight, I was gifted with the most amazing of conversations at the register.

But first, let me dispense with the idiocy of the old white dude who came in and made disparaging comments to the baristas "WHY ARE YOU WORKING ON MEMORIAL DAY?" - as he was ordering a coffee. Dude - they're waiting on you. You're being serviced. Go away if you don't want to patronize a business that opens on Memorial Day.

Back to the stupidity.

Some guy was quizzing the barista on low-sugar, low-calorie drinks. Which, truth be told, you should just order black coffee. But he decided to get an iced mocha with vanilla syrup. I forget exactly what he called it.

O-KAY.

But the barista said she could do sugar-free mocha and sugar-free vanilla syrup and non-fat milk.

He watches like a hawk and confirms every step of this process.

Then she asks if there's anything else he wants - maybe just a few sprinkles of coconut or something.

And he asks for ....

I kid you not ...

CHOCOLATE WHIPPED CREAM.

I wanted to scream! I wanted to scream! YOU ARE AN IDIOT.

But that's the Starbucks customer. I hope whatever he had tasted good.

The Mystery of the Missing Mocha Salt

2012-04-25T21:18:00.000-04:00

I've started every Starbucks order for the past month, at least the ones where I'm physically in the store, with "Do you have mocha salt?"

Why?

BECAUSE I FINALLY CRACKED "The Mystery of the Missing Mocha Salt!"

Girls. Boys. Bobbsey Twins. Hardy Boys. Nancy Drew. Kay Tracy.

Put on your deerstalkers and get out the mag-ni-fy-ING GLASS.

I. Figured. It. Out.

OK.

So, the fact that Starbucks took the "Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate" off the "official" menu is not news. But some stores have always managed to make me a SCHC (that's the marking).

After months of detective work, I think I cracked the code.

Stores that were *really* selling the salted caramel hot chocolate (or the salted caramel mocha) and had on-the-ball managers ordered like metric tons of the stuff in advance.

A barista at a faraway store, where I was at for like a one-night-only event, told me the story. I went in and asked "Do you have mocha salt?" and she was like "Oh, yes, we do!"

She asked why I asked and I told her that most of my home stores were out - and she goes "Oh. Our store manager loves the stuff. She ordered like five crates of it. We're good till like next December."

Then, we talked about our mutual love for salted caramel hot chocolate. I described the lengths that I go to, especially when stores are out of mocha salt.

I tend to get annoyed when they yell through the drive-through speaker "WE'RE OUT OF SALT." I'm like "OK. I just want a sugar high. Make a regular hot chocolate and put some extra whip cream and chocolate drizzle. Which is what I request."

DO NOT get me started on how baristas have been ringing up a salted caramel hot chocolate since it went off the menu. Sometimes, I pay for a hot chocolate, sometimes it gets rung up as a venti hot chocolate, sometimes it gets rung up as a venti hot chocolate, add a shot of toffee. I've paid everything from $3.28 to $4.19.

And when they're really being cranky, I've been charged for a Salted Caramel Mocha - and I refuse to pay $5 something. It all evens out, but I'm not paying $5.51 because you rang up a shot when I didn't get one.

Anyway. I'm telling my story to this barista - and how much I REALLY REALLY love mocha salt. She's telling me about her "special drink." She makes it when she's in a bad mood, because she and her manager really really love mocha salt too.

They call it a "sad latte."

LISTEN TO THIS.

They take a venti cold cup and start layering whip cream, caramel drizzle and mocha salt. That's all. A whole venti cup filled with layers of whip cream with tons of caramel drizzle and about a half a can of mocha salt sprinkled into there.

They call it a "sad latte" because it is IMPOSSIBlE to be sad after you eat all that with a spoon. Hell, it might be impossible to be alive. Like, that sugar high would bounce you the moon.

But the barista made me a salted caramel hot chocolate, with extra whip cream, caramel drizzle and mocha drizzle and shook out all kinds of mocha salt. It was a super-duper hot chocolate. It was so good.

I kind of want a sad latte.

Have your Starbucks cake and eat it too!

2011-11-30T23:48:00.000-05:00

Every now and again, I'm a little bit amazed at just how far Starbucks allows that whole "Just Say Yes" philosophy to permeate the culture. Hipsters with laptops are one thing - they usually buy something. These people tonight - they were a totally different story.

First, a pack of six comes in. Old ladies with old men in tow, gabbling like hens pecking for a loose piece of corn scattered about the coop.

The racket is deafening. It gets louder.

They need chairs. And tables. There's a discussion. A long, loud, lengthy discussion that would put the United Nations to shame. I wanted to take off my shoe and pound the pastry case.

Finally, they wedged the two four tops together - but not side-by-side. They stuck them together at an angle, so one table jutted out into the empty lane that people usually use as, you know, empty space. They didn't care.

They still needed chairs. They grabbed the eight chairs that went with the four-tops, then three more that went with all the little two-tops along the wall.

Eleven chairs. Eleven old people. Eleven tall Christmas Blends.

They asked for more milk, and more half-and half twice. The shift supervisor on duty finally just brought out a jug of everything and sat it on the counter.

THIS WAS CLEARLY GONNA BE A THROW-DOWN!

You know why? Because somebody rolled up in there with a cake. A big, three-layer, round number with fondant icing and a gorgeous box. None of this cheap grocery story bakery stuff - a proper CAKE.

So, what do they do next?

They asked for a stack of plates! And forks. AND A KNIFE. Because apparently the thing you do is just throw a birthday party up in the Starbucks.

Baristas just kept handing stuff over. Because it all just goes into the dishwasher - and why make an issue.

I don't know where the knife came from though.

Also, them old ladies were loud. Like - SUPER LOUD. And they didn't offer me any cake. Even though there was cake left over - and they asked if there was any Saran Wrap to wrap it up with.

*sigh* At least they didn't ask if there were any presents they could have.

Hey Baby! Overheard at Starbucks

2011-11-16T22:25:00.000-05:00

Tonight, it is all about what you overhear while waiting for a venti salted caramel hot chocolate, add chocolate sprinkles. (Thanks to the folks on the Sbuxdrama Facebook page for the tip - try it - CRAY-MAY-ZHING!)

So. I'm sitting there, minding my own business, when I hear "I have a strong throat." Followed by a herd of giggles.

I'm determined not to literally turn around and look, because staring is rude and - as I'm frequently reminded - "Sooner or later, you're going to stare at the wrong person."

I hear it again. "I have a really strong throat. My mother says I got it from her."

Now, at this, I turn and stare.

Four girls, wearing those handkerchief blouses - you know, those things that look like two ugly bandanas stitched together with holes for the head and arms - are shucked up together at a table with cookies.

She-Bear Strong Throat is ... ummm ... "eating" cookies like how people eat raw oysters. Down the hatch! Or at least, that's what it looks like. She's got her chin up, throat almost vertical, pulsing - she looks like a bullfrog puffing her glands out.

I hope she doesn't choke.

And for the record boys, the throat does look remarkably ... strong.

The conversation ebbs and flows, then one of the four blondes at the table drops this bomb: "Is it true that you're not supposed to give babies a bath until they're baptized?"

Which, considering that babies are (usually) not sprinkled for at least a few weeks ... might be messy.

This leads to a 15-minute debate over what constitutes a "bath" - and whether it would be OK to just take a shower with a baby in order to get around this "rule." There's also a lively side discussion about what happens when the expectant mother is pregnant with the child and takes a bath - does this count as a violation.

I weep - WEEP - for the future of humanity.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas at Starbucks

2011-11-14T22:43:00.001-05:00

Starbucks Christmas decorations.

So, I made a pilgrimage to my local Starbucks tonight. After sitting for two hours reading the Christos Tsiolkas book "The Slap," things finally got interesting.

About 9 p.m., a big crew of baristas pour in. They're setting the store for Christmas tonight.

Let it be know that tomorrow is Nov. 15. A full 42 days before Christmas and not incidentally ten days before Thanksgiving. At least they waited until after Halloween....

The main Christmas decorations this year are ... in a word ... ugly.

Each store gets three of the ugliest Christmas trees known to man. Two feet tall, covered in green plastic that is supposed to resemble holly (but really looks like tiny weeds) and with a garish decoration of paper mistletoe and three red balls stuck on front.

These come in three sizes. One is in three parts that attach to each other and winds up about five feet tall. It goes BESIDE one of the display cases. Another is in two pieces and goes ON one of the tables. The third probably goes on either a counter or beside the register.

These are truly ugly. See the photo. If this is supposed to be someone's idea of what "holiday greenery" looks like, they need their head examined.

Worse, they're made in China. This, after Howard made a huge deal and launched that whole campaign to get folks to buy a $5 bracelet and rebuild the American economy. This, if you're not familiar, is called the "Create Jobs for USA" campaign. Starbucks Melody has a pretty good roundup at her eponymous blog.

However, I think it is highly hypocritical of Starbucks to beg customers to give $5 of their money to "create jobs in America" when they can't be bothered to buy merchandise from America. While coffee beans won't grow here, coffee cups, teddy bears and everything else can sure be manufactured here. Yet, box after box came out labeled "Made in China." Check the label on that $14.95 Bearista Bear - cute as a button - "Manufactured in China." Just so you know.

Rant over. The rest of the Christmas merchandise is actually kind of cute. The 2011 Bearista Bear is adorable. Green puffy jacket, cute furry hat, and a $14.95 price tag. There's also a white stuffed puppy dog with a green Starbucks scarf.

Lots of new mugs and gift packages, mostly in red, although there's a stylized snowman mug in the style of Mondrian that is kind of modern and interesting. The angular theme of the merchandise and the packaging is exactly what's on the holiday cups, just shifted to "stuff." On the whole, I like it - although the Christmas trees don't fit this at all. They look like traffic cones covered in plastic moss.

Perhaps my favorite is the 2011 Christmas ornament. This year, it is a full size espresso cup with the logo. At first, I thought they were actual espresso cups, but no, they're ornaments. There's also a four-pack of the takeaway cups as ornaments, two in white and two in red.

By ten until ten, the store is absolutely jammed with merchandise covering every table, chair and flat surface except the one I'm sitting at. More comes out from the back. There are also boxes and boxes and boxes of coffee - and the baristas tell me that they will sell through the Christmas blend as fast (or faster) than they can get it in stock.

Also, I hear that no one wants the Thanksgiving blend right now, but that the week of Thanksgiving, everyone wants it. So, if you're a fan, stock up now.

Squalling babies in diapers

2011-10-23T03:44:00.003-04:00

There were squalling babies in diapers tonight.

Squalling babies in diapers that were crawling around on the floor.

Who are these people? Don't they care about their children? Don't they know that people - hundreds of people - walk on that floor?

I'm so glad I walked through the park (where you KNOW people let their dogs go ALL THE TIME) earlier today - and then stood around talking to my barista right where those babies were crawling.

You know why?

I will tell you why.

I was enjoying a really, really rare Saturday night off work. I was in Starbucks reading when this family came in. Two women (both with babies) and three men.

I was in a comfy chair - and they all decided to join me on the couch and the other three comfy chairs. Which is fine. The chairs are there to be used.

Although I did not appreciate the dirty looks as if I was taking up THEIR space. I was here first. This is MY Starbucks. Deal.

Also, you people let your babies scream for 45 minutes without ever offering them a cookie, water, juice, a bottle, a toy or something.

You just let them crawl around on the floor.

I was so tempted to drop a piece of my donut and see if they would pick it up .....

Old Olivia wants a pen. And a shrink

2011-09-21T21:23:00.000-04:00

So much crazy I can't even stand it. I CANNOT STAND IT.

There's a ... woman? Well, yes, biologically a woman. She climbs out of red Jaguar with Michigan plates that is parked across three spots, leans over into her purse and starts digging furiously.

Picture a honey badger going after grubs. Now, picture a honey badger in Olivia Newton-John at the end of "Grease" drag. That's what this looked like.

I dunno what's she's looking for, but girlfriend is NOT finding it. She slams the car door with a thunkkk loud enough that I can hear it through the plate glass.

Old Olivia heads inside. Comically, she is actually wearing a sad, bad version of Olivia Newton-John from the end of "Grease" drag. That's why I'm calling her "Old Olivia."

High water pants - these have a little more give in them to accommodate a copious bottom, plus little ties about mid-calf. Kind of like a hippo wearing lace? There's a seafoam green off-the shoulders blouse too. Top that off with cork wedges on three-inch soles. Plus a curly bouffant. You think I'm joking. I thought I was looking at a 60-year-old version of Sandra Dee as interpreted by Fernando Botero. Fix that image in your mind......

Old Olivia thunks in. She gets to mid-way through the first row of merchandise and squeaks out "EXCUSE ME!" in a omnidirectional pout. No one looks up.

Old Olivia goes over to the corner of the pastry case, where one barista is bent down cleaning and squeaks "EXCUSE ME" again. No one hears here. She really doesn't have much volume over the stereo. And people are cleaning.

Old Olivia decides to walk behind the counter and tap the barista on the back.

This gets a response.

Dear customers. In fact, DEAR ANYONE. If you are EVER in a retail situation and need help, please just keep raising your voice or wave your hands or move to where we can see you. Even if we are involved in a task, we will eventually notice. PLEASE DO NOT TOUCH. EVER. WOULD YOU LIKE FOR ME TO COME INTO YOUR PLACE OF WORK AND TOUCH YOU? NO? OK THEN.

After all that, Old Olivia doesn't even want a coffee.

Old Olivia wants a pen.

Old Olivia babbles for a while: "Do you have a pen? I don't have a pen. I need a pen. I looked all through the car and I don't have a pen. I need a pen. I need to write a number down and I don't have a pen. I need to take a pen. Please tell me you have a pen. Please. I need to take your pen. I can't bring it back. But I need a pen. Do you have a pen?"

The barista takes a step back, finds a pen and gives it to her.

Old Olivia squeaks "Thank You" and leaves.

Wait, wait. Do tell me.

Old Olivia gets in her car. But she doesn't go anywhere. She starts scratching around for something. I see her fling a huge purse up on top of the steering wheel and start digging through it. I mean, she's DIGGING. Like, throwing extra crap onto the dashboard in a hunt for something.

She doesn't find it. She grabs all the crap that was formerly IN the purse and then was ON the dashboard and starts stuffing it back IN the purse. Old Olivia throws the purse into the passenger seat and stomps back to the trunk. I can't HEAR anything through the plate glass, but I can only imagine what's going on.

She finally emerges clutching a notebook. OMG. All this was over a piece of paper?

Back to the front seat - where she has to hunt for the pen again. I can't imagine that in all that mountain of stuff that was in the purse, she did not have one writing instrument. I mean, a lipstick pencil will do in a pinch even.

OK. But then we find out what THE CAUSE of all THE EXCITEMENT was ALL ABOUT.

Old Olivia wants to write down the number of the FOR LEASE sign on the closed restaurant next to the Starbucks.

Then, she gets into her car, looks at the number she just wrote down, picks up her phone and calls the number.

HOLD UP. WAIT A MINUTE. LET'S PUT SOME COMMON SENSE IN IT.

Let's back up here. Old Olivia has a phone. A Smartphone by the look of it.

She could either have saved the info in the Notes app on the phone (even my old T-Mobile Sidekick had one back in 2007) or JUST SAVED THE NUMBER.

WE COULD HAVE AVOIDED ALL THIS DRAMA.

But no. Then I would not have had anything to write about.

Thank you, Old Olivia. And your inability to use a technologically advanced cell phone.

If you made it this far - please tell your friends about Starbucks Drama - and be our friend on the Facebook. There's extra content and my day-to-day adventures at facebook.com/sbuxdrama!

Starbucks Bad Dates: Part Two

2011-09-13T13:00:00.000-04:00

I love listening to bad dates at the Starbuck. Check out the bad date that was happening concurrently to this post here.

Two middle-aged types tried to rekindle the sparks over pound cake and frappuccinos.

That one ended in a not-so-good fashion too.

In hindsight, it was doomed to failure from the start. The couch, three of the small tables and all three comfy chairs were taken when they came in, so they wound up at one of the four-person tables.

Now, when you're on a date, you don't sit side-by-side. You sit facing each other so as not to give off mixed signals. You don't want legs to touch or anything - at least not on a first date.

So, they sit and stare. Awkwardly. Very awkwardly.

She's the matronly type in kind of loose slacks and a blouse with ruffly neckline. It is a purple flower print that is - in fact - ugly. It does nothing for her - and she shouldn't be wearing it. Her hair has been permed and bleached far too many times and is in a confused dirty blonde state right now. It might be natural. It might not. It just sort of hangs there. I feel bad for her. She's fifty-something, on the chunky side and doesn't know how to dress.

And this man is no catch. Balding, wearing the ugliest blue plaid shorts (WHO DECIDED PLAID WAS BACK?) and a black T-shirt. I mean, really? That's what you wear to a date?

So, they pick at the pastry and try to make conversation. They talk about their kids. Their job. Sort of half-heartedly.

There is no connection. None.

Unread missed connections have more of a connection than these two.

Sad really. They both look like they need love. We all do.

But I keep getting distracted by his bald head, since it is exactly in my line of sight. I look up - and BLAM. Bald, with four black hairs in the comb-over.

She's folding and twisting the pastry bag now. Not a good sign. For the record, when your date starts fidgeting, cash in the chips and get on with your night.

Comb-over tries to rally. He leans forward, trying to interest her in some tale about his work and some silly office antics. It sounds reasonably amusing - like, general office pranks that aren't actually harmful and involve people with a sense of humor.

Sad Sally Pound Cake gives a half-hearted laugh and starts making a knot out of the pastry bag before staring out the window.

There's a long silence.

They drink their coffee.

They stare at the table.

Sad Sally Pound Cake flicks a crumb off the table. She spins the pastry bag art around in her hand.

Silence. Sip.

Comb-over pulls his chair back, looks at her and asks "Should we just leave?"

They leave.

We all need love. We all need love.

If you made it this far - please tell your friends about Starbucks Drama - and be our friend on the Facebook. There's extra content and my day-to-day adventures at facebook.com/sbuxdrama!

Starbucks Bad Dates: Part One

2011-09-10T18:22:00.002-04:00

Strictly speaking, Starbucks is probably one of the better places to have a a first date (or a blind date). There's probably going to be plenty to look at, plenty to do and there will always be people around.

This lessens quite a few of the tensions inherent in a first/blind date. For starters, having a dozen or so people around in a well-lit public place means you probably won't be serially killed/maimed/disappeared. Also, there's coffee and pastry and it is cheap. You can buy the date a latte and a slice of coffee cake and not commit to a $120 meal at a restaurant with food s/he might hate. (Thanks @MadisonMM!)

Besides? Who hates coffee? If they do, buy them a juice box. Or hot chocolate. There are options. You avoid all those vegan/vegetarian/soup-on-the-chin things. Remember that episode of "Ally McBeal" where the guy got salad dressing on his face? She was horrified. It happens. It can happen to you.

Anyway.

I love to eavesdrop on first dates. I did it once before. That was not a good date. Conrad and Margery ate four cupcakes and yelled a lot.

Tonight, it seems to be a bonanza. The fall flowers of love are blossoming or some stuff.

First, there's the young lovers, who have the audacity to steal MY table and gaze intently into each other's eyes for all of thirty seconds before the date goes farther south than Barack Obama's poll ratings.

This is a very casual coffee date. She's wearing blue jeans and a simple black sleeveless top. It is only when she turns around to leave that I see she's got sequins over her boobs. Subtle. Real subtle. He's wearing khaki shorts and a blue polo. Sandals for both of them.

Princess had a little bit of a muffin top. She wasn't fat by any means - she just had curves - but she really should have gone up one size and not worn a crop top.

Anyway.

He pays for two drip coffees and a coffee cake. They sit. AT MY TABLE. I think I mentioned that.

They talk - well, she talks for a while. He listens and tries to get a few words in edgewise. He fails. And when I say "he fails" - I really do mean it. FAY-ULLLL.

Girlfriend is a yakker. Like, she ought to be on "The View" or something. She could mow grass with that level of determination. "Blah blah blah. My car. Blah blah blah my sister. Blah blah blah my clothes. Blah blah blah my dog. Blah blah blah me me me me me me me me." Self-absorbed.

Every third sentence was punctuated with a hair flip. AND I AM NOT KIDDING.

The guy did have one brief spell where he got a conversational head of steam going about something. Princess Hair Flip took that opportunity to mow through the coffee cake and drink the coffee.

When he stopped to take a sip of coffee, she went right back into her conversation. The look on the dude's face was one of "Well, I guess I gotta sit this one out and then I can dump her at her house."

He started fidgeting with his coffee cup, moving his legs around, stretching the seat, getting up to get napkins, trying to signal that THIS DATE WAS OVER. It wasn't. Princess Hair Flip had an audience. A captive one. Girlfriend was gonna play it like she was Master Blaster at the ThunderDome.

It was frightening to watch. Like a trapped animal. He finally just got up and went to the bathroom. He was gone a long time. A long time. Probably calling his bros for help. She dug around in her purse for keys and a cell phone and finally just sat there with her chin on her hands. Probably wondering what went wrong.

As soon as he got back, he didn't even sit down. Just grabbed the empty coffee cups off the table, walked to the trash can, came back to the table and stood there. Said "Are you ready?" They left in silence.

Bad. Dates. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD. DATES. At the Starbucks.

If you made it this far - please tell your friends about Starbucks Drama - and be our friend on the Facebook. There's extra content and my day-to-day adventures at facebook.com/sbuxdrama!

Nosy people at Starbucks

2011-09-09T02:35:00.000-04:00

There are people that stare. Then there are people that STARE.STARE.STARE.STARE. STARE.STARE. STARE.STARE.STARE. This dude was one of those. What do you do when people stare in public? And bopping them on the snoot is not an option?

Every now and again, I repair to the Starbucks near our office (yes, occasionally I cheat on my regular Starbucks) with a friend (or two) and we get a coffee and relax in the sheer joy of being outside the cubicle farm. The very sameness of two acres of blank white walls (corporate directive - nothing on the walls) can drive you insane. So can 45 phones ringing at once (blame the brilliant mind that bought cubicles that only came up about three feet.

Anyway. I'm literally just sitting down with my salted caramel hot chocolate (it might be 92 degrees out, but that scm is de-li-cious) and my friend is enjoying an iced version.

We're like 30 seconds into the conversation and my friend stops and .... nods slowly. I try not to be obvious and look over.

This man is eavesdropping like we're discussing the Pentagon Papers or something. Possibly nuclear secrets. Or the Colonel's secret recipe of 11 herbs and spices. If his head was cocked any more, he'd fire a bullet right out his ass.

Not only that, he's about to fall off his chair.

We get up and leave.

I can feel those hot black eyes on my back all the way out the door. Take a picture dude. It lasts longer.

This was ... allegedly ... a pseudo professional. Expensive-looking black slacks, possibly wool or high-quality cotton. They looked nice. Crisp white shirt. Cuff links. New-ish looking BlackBerry, so he was probably in some sort of corporate environment (they love the BBs). A briefcase and a stack of folders in rubber bands on the table. Plus a legal pad and a pen.

I thought he was waiting on a client or something. Maybe a realtor or financial advisor.

Maybe he was an undercover CIA agent.

Maybe he was just really nosy.

At least when I eavesdrop, I have the courtesy to look at my screen and type what you're gabbling about. Damn. People need to learn - the art of being nosy is to NOT LOOK NOSY.

So. How do YOU manage to hear (or over-hear) interesting things?

My Starbucks has a couch now!

2011-09-07T23:36:00.002-04:00

First things first. My favorite Starbucks - the one I consider my "home base" - has a couch now.

They swapped the couch for one of the comfy chairs with another Starbucks. I tried it out tonight. It was grand, grand, grand.

Of course, it looks kind of odd to have three plush purple comfy chairs and one black leather couch - but who's counting.

I tested it out - because I do a lot of work on my couch at home with my laptop and a small table. Unfortunately, I never could find the right position, based mostly on the fact that the end tables are just too low, so I'd wind up sitting hunched over and trying to type.

Also, the end tables are small, so with a 15-inch computer, a wireless mouse and a cup of coffee all competing for space - I was always worried I was going to spill a venti coffee onto my keyboard. Since I've killed two laptops, two BlackBerries and one iPhone, I've got good reason to be concerned ....

So, probably back to the tables for me - although I'll definitely use the couch on those occasions when I want to read. It makes a nice change.

Clueless Connie tries to pick a Starbucks Bistro Box

2011-08-30T20:16:00.003-04:00

There are people. There are stupid people. Then there are people who bathe in the River of Oblivion, dry themselves with linens of the lame-brained and put on the clothes of the cockeyed. In short, they be dumb.

One of these folks decides to try and buy a Bistro Box. God save the little children.

Clueless Connie doesn't know what she wants. Which isn't really an issue. Nobody really knows that they want out of life. Especially when the options are vast - well, at least there are eight of them and run the gamut from chicken to tuna to salumi. And hummus and vegetables oh my.

Clueless Connie stands at the case and starts moving the bistro boxes around. And around. And around. And around.

Have you ever seen those logic puzzles where you have to move the blocks around to get one particular block through a hole in one side, except you basically have to shift every OTHER block multiple times to do it? It's an exercise in logic? That's what this was like.

Clueless Connie was looking for something except she didn't know what she was looking for.

Move. Move. Move. Move. Move. Move.

And then we get a sigh.

SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

AND IT WAS LOUD TOO.

I heard it over my protestations of joy at my delicious hot chocolate.

Clueless Connie, you are harshing my chocolate vibe.

Clueless Connie finally decides to ask a barista for help.

This conversation is why customer service workers despise (some) customers. It was like talking to fake plant. Maybe worse. At least the plastic flower might wave back - and it looks decorative. Clueless Connie did not.

And I will guarantee you that this woman thought she "received bad service" because no one was able to "divine" what she wanted. I witnessed the conversation. It was like talking

Clueless Connie: "Which one of these are good?"
Barista: "What do you like? Chicken? Tuna fish? Vegetarian?"

Clueless Connie: "I don't know." WHAT. DO. YOU. EAT? LITTLE BABIES?
Barista: "I like the tuna fish. Do you like tuna fish?"

Clueless Connie: "I don't know."
Barista: "What do you like?"

Clueless Connie: "I don't know."
Barista: "Uhhhhh. What about this one?" Holding up a chicken and hummus bistro box.

Clueless Connie: "What's in that?"
Barista: "Chicken and hummus."

Clueless Connie: "What's hummus?"
Barista: "Maybe not that one then."

Clueless Connie: "What's this one?" She's got a chicken lettuce wraps bistro box
Barista: "That's spicy chicken, peanut sauce, lettuce and coleslaw. A lot of people like it. It is kind of Thai-food inspired."

Clueless Connie: "This has chicken? Where's the chicken?" I'll give her that point - because the "chicken" in that one is just this three oz. container that is sort of a chicken-peanut-thai-sauce mix thing. Good, but not a lot of it.
Barista: "It is in this plastic container. You might not be able to see it. It is under the label."

Clueless Connie: "Where do you put the chicken? What do you eat it with?"
Barista: "Um. It is chicken and lettuce wraps. You wrap the chicken in the lettuce and eat it. There's a peanut sauce to go with it. And a sort of coleslaw. Like I said, a lot of people like that one. We sell a lot of it."

Clueless Connie: "Peanut sauce?"
Barista: "It is a spicy peanut sauce. This is an Asian-inspired dish. It is kind of spicy."

Clueless Connie: "I don't like spicy food."
Barista: "You won't like this then. It is very spicy."

Clueless Connie: "What else is there?"
Barista: "Do you like salami? We have one of the salami and cheese boxes left. People like that one too."

Clueless Connie: "What's in that one?"
Barista: "It has salami, cheese and crackers."

Clueless Connie: "Salami?"
Barista: "Salami. It is kind of like pepperoni? The same thing as salami you buy in the grocery store salami. Like lunchmeat salami."

Clueless Connie: "I don't like that."
Barista: "Okay."

Clueless Connie: "Don't you have like a normal sandwich?"
Barista: "We have some sandwiches. But it is 8 p.m. We're mostly sold out for the day and won't get more in until the truck comes at 10 p.m."

Clueless Connie: "Where are the sandwiches?"
Barista: "Right there."

Clueless Connie: "Oh. Is that all you have?"
Barista: "Yes. That's all."

Clueless Connie: "I thought you might have more in the back."
Barista: "No. That's all we have."

Clueless Connie: "What's this?"
Barista: "That's a fruit and cheese bistro box."

Clueless Connie: "Have you had this? Is it any good?"
Barista: "No, I haven't had that one. But people get it a lot. We used to have one just like it, just with a different kind of apple. I like that one. The cheese is very good."

Clueless Connie: "I don't know."
Barista: "Did you like the tuna fish? It really is good."

Clueless Connie: "I don't like tuna fish."
Barista: "Okay. I'm going to let you make up your mind. You call me if there are any questions."

Clueless Connie: "What about this one?"
Barista: "That's the chicken and lettuce wraps. That's the spicy one."
Clueless Connie: "Oh."
Barista: "I'll be right behind the counter. You come over here when you're ready."

Despite her protestations not to like spicy food - and the whole "where's the chicken" comment, Clueless Connie decided to pick up the chicken and lettuce wraps. And an egg salad sandwich. And a banana. And a venti double chocolate chip frappuccino. She was hungry.

She was also stingy. She didn't tip.

God bless Clueless Connie.

Closing time: When the crazy people come out to play at Starbucks

2011-08-11T23:31:00.001-04:00

Stop me if you've heard this one before: "A fat woman walks into a Starbucks ..."

And it gets real, real ugly.

Honestly, I don't even know why I bother going in any earlier than a half-hour before close anymore. That is apparently the "witching hour" - or the "magic hour" for crazy people to come up out of the woodwork and do their thing.

For starters, it was bad night. I had just finished a three-hour interview and had a head splitting like a block of firewood under a burly forester's ax. Probably the incipient thunderstorm, possibly the unmistakable agony of trying to pick out clever commentary over the sound of coffee grinders. Anyway. First. World. Problems.

I repair to my favorite Starbucks for some peace, quiet and hot chocolate. I get 90 minutes of blissful silence, broken only by the quiet drone of whatever new-age music is bumping out over the radio. I surf the Internet, gaze out the window at the headlights zooming by in the rain and stare at the mural on the wall. There is no drama. It is peaceful. It is wonderful. I repair my shattered psyche.

Until she walks in.

Actually, it is more of a stomp. Maybe a clomp. Picture a Clydesdale going across a marble floor at full gallop while wearing a black leotard with a bedazzled patch at the v-neck of the boobs, too-tight jeans, carrying a faux Coach purse and dragging a stout 8-year-old whining about his Nintendo DS.

That's what it was like.

Clydesdale Claudia comes in, looks around, sees an empty store (except for me and two baristas washing dishes) and is ... displeased. ADubs (Anna Wintour) ain't got nothing on her. That nose wrinkled like royalty entertaining the thought of marrying a pig keeper.

This is not good. Not good at all. But it is obviously about to be entertaining. Starbucks. A half-hour before close. Anywhere on the planet. The crazies come out to play.

Clydesdale Claudia drags the child over to the register, levers the purse up onto the counter and yells out "EXCUSE ME!" even though both baristas are within five feet of her.

Clydesdale Claudia: "Is there a birthday party here tonight?"

It obviously takes a moment for this to settle in. Because unless we're talking a guest list that includes Caspar, Kitty Pryde and other famous intangible beings, it definitely is NOT "a party up in here."

The baristas answer in the negative, to which Clydesdale Claudia replies: "I'm supposed to meet some people and have a party at this Starbucks."

Which is ALWAYS the correct answer twenty minutes before closing time.

At which point Clydesdale Claudia noticed that the pastry case was empty, the light out, and it was being cleaned prior to being re-stocked for tomorrow.

And Clydesdale Claudia flipped out.

Clydesdale Claudia: "THERE'S NO PASTRY? WHAT ARE WE GOIGN TO EAT? WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A PARTY! IT IS MY COUSIN'S SON'S BIRTHDAY AND WE CAME DOWN TO STARBUCKS JUST TO CELEBRATE!!!"

Oooooooooooo. Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

The baristas are backing away from the crazy.

And let us note that there is pastry on TOP of the case wrapped in plastic - which she could have gotten, plus they would have opened up anything she wanted, if she'd have just asked. But she decided to flip out because she came in 20 minutes before closing - and the case was empty.

But the drama was far, far from over.

Clydesdale Claudia whipped out a cell phone and started dialing. "Susie. Where are you? I'm at Starbucks. Where are you? I guess there's not going to be a party. You need to call me right now."

More dialing: "I'm at the Starbucks right now. Why didn't you tell me if we were going to cancel. I drove all the way down here. Gas costs money. I need you to call me back."

At least four calls. All in a loud tone. People a block away could have heard this. I know I did.

And here's the kicker. Clydesdale Claudia never once left the register. That faux Coach purse of her stayed on the counter and she stayed perched between the registers, as if by not moving she was going WILL THIS PARTY INTO EXISTENCE.

Also, I think Clydesdale Claudia was trying to gin up some sympathy and get an offer of free coffee and pastry. Not. Gonna. Happen.

After Clydesdale Claudia gets off the phone, she turns back to the baristas - who had gone back to cleaning - and asked "are you sure there haven't been any other people in here with a bunch of kids and presents tonight?"

I wanted to yell at her: "WHY WOULD THEY LIE TO YOU?"

Clydesdale Claudia sighs real loud and tells the world at large "I guess they just decided not to tell me it was canceled."

And finally decides to order a coffee: "What's in a mocha?"

After the barista tells her, she goes "I don't like chocolate."

Oh. My. God.

She finally decides on a latte and grabs two things of the fruit and nut mix, plus a chocolate bar for the child, who has whined the entire time.

As she's digging through this huge purse for her wallet, her phone goes off.

It is a text message from one of her friends. Clydesdale Claudia screams: "I'm at the wrong Starbucks!"

Clydesdale Claudia cancels the order and takes off - child in tow. Only he tries to leave with the chocolate bar and she has to make him put it back.

The baristas are left shaking their heads.

I am simply stunned.

Stunned I say.

Stop me if you've heard this one before: "A fat woman walks into a Starbucks ....

Do you like Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte?

2011-08-10T00:15:00.004-04:00

It is apparently never to early to start talking about pumpkin spice latte at Starbucks.

Which, according to a thread on StarbucksGossip.com, returns on Tuesday, September 6.

Take that with a grain of salt. Or pumpkin. Or spice. I dunno. I don't drink the stuff.

Which is the moral of this story.

I'm sitting at my table. At least, I tend to think of it as my table. It is one of the ones with the chessboard on the tabletop, right near an outlet and with a good view of the register, the handoff bar and the entire cafe.

In other words, I can see all the drama taking place.

I'm trying to find motivation and failing. Miserably. Instead, I'm looking aghast at news that, for a fourth night - London, one of the greatest cities on earth - is collapsing into chaos.

I'm really not paying attention as some middle-aged runner-dude, in way-too-short and too-tight blue Adidas nylon shorts and a white shirt, come in.

He wants a pumpkin spice latte. Pumpkin spice latte being a fall drink - the baristas cannot prepare a pumpkin spice latte.

"Well, I guess I'll have a regular latte then."

Well, I guess you will. He wasn't rude, just sort "well, why don't you?"

Which is actually a good question - because people are all sorts of in love with this drink. Sort of like McRibs (before you realize that they're made out nothing even close to port).

Anyway.

He doesn't tip, but starts chatting to the baristas about his great love for pumpkin spice latte and how he always loves when Starbucks has them. And he loves cold weather and pumpkin spice lattes (please note that it was 95 degrees where I live this week, with heat indices WELL above that).

I'm not paying any attention - then I feel three sets of eyes on me.

I look up, stare back and go "what?"

One of my favorite baristas says "Pumpkin spice man!"

I go - "I don't drink that."

Which sort of deflates the conversation.

They later want to know if I want the last pumpkin loaf - which I decline. I'm not a fan of pumpkin. It is too chewy. And it tastes funny.

Give me chocolate or give me death!

More bare feet at Starbucks

2011-08-04T13:55:00.003-04:00

There was more shoeless action tonight.

Unlike the previous pair, these two were MOST definitely NOT metrosexuals. They were full on -sexual. They did, however, appear to be a couple. Everyone has a soul mate.

I'm surfing the Internet, charging my phone and killing time waiting for the midnight show of "Harry Potter" when they dart in.

They're fresh from the beach - or somewhere with water - because the skinny one has wet hair. Long wet hair, like shoulder length and he's giggling like a fiend. And the ugliest pair of board shorts this side of a lumber yard.

He's also trying - trying being the operative word here - to grow facial hair. All that seems to be happening is the beginnings of a Chia pet on his chin.

The chunky one has on Billabong - shorts and a tee - and no wallet. Which he orders the thin man back out to the car. When skinny returns, they link hands at the register and wait for their venti caramel frappuccinos.

But back to the feet.

Nobody has any shoes on.

Not even sandals.

And we're not talking - "Take the shoes off and wander around on the floor" here - we're talking - "walk in from outside and stomp to the register in your bare feet."

Across the same tile floor trod by hundreds of people every day.

Across the same tile floor that countless germs breed upon.

Across the same tile floor that people walk on the nasty sidewalk outside (the one that dogs slobber all over).

Across the same tile floor that people - just like you - ALSO walk barefoot on.

Every time I see bare feet on the floor at the Starbucks (or anywhere) I just think about that whole "Britney Spears and the gas station bathroom" thing. You don't know where that floor has been. You don't know where other people's FEET have been. You don't know where nothing has been and you are putting your bare flesh down on it.

In short ... EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

Like the immortal Holly Holiday said - "Everybody has a random."

But you know, that venti caramel frappuccino can cure anything!

Is that regular water?

2011-08-03T09:53:00.000-04:00

It is official.

9:30 p.m. is officially the crazy hour at the Starbucks.

First, we start things off with one of the stranger requests I've ever heard.

A touristy looking guy comes in - khakis and a blue polo - and stares at the cold case for a long time. I thought he was checking out the Bistro Boxes (they've apparently been selling well).

No. He was puzzling over the Ethos Water.

Finally, he takes one up to the register and asks: "Is this regular water?"

Both the baristas on duty turn and stare before replying "Yes, that's regular water."

I guess he was asking if it was vitamin water or something. Because everything else is fortified nowadays - but there was an strange moment there.

Then, there was Mr. Homeless Six Drinks. I have yet to figure him out - and I've been staring at him for half an hour.

He came in, stood at the register in khakis and a long-sleeve white shirt and boots that looked like he walked through a farmyard and started ordering.

I think he's either a hitchhiker or a backpacker . He dropped an enormous backpack by the comfy chair with him. He paid though - and didn't ask for a free cup of water. UPDATE: Well, neither, because he got into a car. Just ... strange.

His hair doesn't look like he's washed it in a few days. Maybe just an insomniac?

Here's the tally:

One quad venti caramel frappuccino, with extra whipped cream and extra caramel
One quad venti cinnamon dolce latte
One iced grande green tea
Four shots of espresso in a tall cup
Two bottles of Ethos water

He got the two two bottles of water and set them on a table by the comfy chairs. Then he got the four drinks in a To-Go cardboard tray and set THEM on the table.

And proceeded to start drinking. And he's been drinking for 45 minutes.

The espresso went first - fast - almost as if it were an appetizer. He practically downed it like a shot.

He got up - and put the empty cup in the trash can.

He stirred the whipped cream into the frappuccino and sipped a little on it.

Then he started work on the latte - which vanished in about ten minutes.

Into the trash can with the cup the latte came in.

After the latte was gone, there was a period where he worked on the frappuccino and started re-arranging his To-Go tray.

Everything had to be .... just-so. The two bottles of Ethos water went at the back, like turrets of a castle. Then the frappuccino went in one corner, with the tea in the other. He would spin the tray aimlessly - stopping suddenly when the decided he wanted some of the tea or coffee.

No phone either - because he never once checked it in the whole time he was here.

Suddenly - at 9:45 - he was off. He jumped up, jammed the two (unopened) bottles of Ethos water into either pocket and grabbed the frappuccino and tea in either hand and got into a car.

I wonder what his story is. Downtrodden - obviously - but able to buy six drinks at Starbucks.

The world may never know.

Have you ever made a ghetto latte?

2011-08-02T19:13:00.001-04:00

I got to witness a ghetto latte - or perhaps it was a ghetto mocha - first hand tonight.

Some dude comes in and orders a tall iced coffee in a venti cup. And we all know how this is going to go....

I happened to be sitting facing the condiment bar, so I got to see it play out.

Immediately after getting the drink, he walked over, took off the lid, and started dumping in chocolate powder and sugar.

And I don't mean sprinkling. I mean three packets of raw sugar and unscrewing the the lid of the chocolate sprinkles and carefully knocking in chocolate powder.

After that, it was time to fill up the cup with half and half.

The coffee was black when he took it over - and it was nearly white when he was finished. He took a few sips - and kept adjusting. One more packet of sugar - and then some cinnamon sprinkles.

It was a sight.

I would have approved, except that he had on $70 athletic shoes.

Mohawks and Starbucks and Jude Law

2011-08-01T18:42:00.000-04:00

I'm currently staring at one of the most bizarre haircuts I've ever seen walk into a Starbucks. I'm dubbing it a Mohawk Minus. Also, the boy wearing it happens to be punk doppelganger for Jude Law. Very disconcerting.

Allow me to describe.

There's a head of brown hair - reasonably clean.

There's a one-inch wide mohawk, very wobbly cut, down the center, as if it was carved out in the dark, in a hurry.

Then, there's a three-inch swath of bare skin carved out around the temples going down to the bottom of the skull.

On the left side, there's a patch of hair the size of the palm of my hand above the ear.

On the right, there's a small patch just above the ear, as if the razor slipped.

Nothing about this haircut is symetrical.

But Mohawk Minus Jude Law here seems happy.

He's with two companions. He's sipping on a single shot of espresso, while they're slurping on a Vivanno and fighting for the whipped cream. They're also dipping off the whipped cream with the lid.

Yes, you read that right, with the lid. The boy has taken off the domed lid to the drink and is using that to scoop up the whipped cream. The girl has scored a trenta water and is diving in after him to grab the lion's share of the dairy delight. Watching the dynamic play out between them is quite amusing.

And suddenly, they're off. On foot too.

Mohawk Minus Jude Law is wearing beige twill corduroys and a purple shirt. The male half of the couple is wearing black cutoffs, a blue shirt, Joe Boxers (he's got them puffed out the back of his hanging-way-too-low pants) and a percussion boot on his left foot. And the girl is in some kind of attractive print dress. She's the only one who doesn't look like she got dressed out of the remnant bin of a Salvation Army - and she paid.

I always like to imagine what sorts of stories kids like these have.

I wonder where they live, what kind of lives they have.

And whether they are happy. They seem happy. I hope they're happy.

Mohawk Minus Jude Law seemed to appreciate his single shot of espresso. And the kids loved their mock whipped cream fight.

Oh, to be young and silly again.

Do you wear a bra and panties to Starbucks?

2011-07-24T15:49:00.002-04:00

Today is the two-year anniversary of Starbucks Drama. It was a particularly memorable one. A woman came in - and she wasn't wearing a bra and panties - so the whole world got a peek at Unknown Areola's goods - at 3:30 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon.

She totally hijacked my post - read her story farther down - but find out what I was writing. :)

Even though it is a Sunday - and I have plans for the afternoon - I wanted to celebrate inside a Starbucks.

I got two birthday cake pops and a raspberry passion tea lemonade. I had thought I was going to get a iced marble mocha macchiatto - but once I got to the store, I just wasn't in the mood. (Also, I really like to save my free drink coupons for those $5 pleasures).

Anyway.

The stupidity never lets up.

Within one short hour, let us chronicle the dramicle.

- The old-age pensioners who wait until the barista brings out an armload of new items for the cold case before thrusting the empty milk pitcher literally in their face and saying "THIS IS EMPTY!"

- Bad fashion. Balding. Thirty-something. Paunch from too-many PBRs consumed in an attempt to be ironic but really because he likes the taste. Green tee. Blue shorts. Black socks. Battered gray Nikes with orange laces. And don't tell me he was a runner or a jogger because he was sucking down a venti frappuccino.

Moochers. An old man perched outside getting refills on the same cup of drip coffee for at least 90 minutes. Came inside twice to get two Trenta waters. Flomax is not a problem with this one.

Downright skankiness. I was behind a girl at the register who had more pockets than denim in her denim shorts. Top to bottom, we're talking maybe six inches of fabric with a one-inch strip between the legs. She had a battered old cigarette case that she couldn't even wedge into her back pocket they were so tight. Black hair styled in a thin bouffant (tribute to Amy Winehouse?) - although it looked like a bird's nest that had been tossed through a wood chipper and put back together by a blind monkey. It was a sight.

Douchebags. Two loud sports fans who decided to grab two of the comfy chairs and stare at their phones for a half-hour while yelling to each other about the play-by-play of some baseball game. We literally don't care. Keep it to yourself. And really, NO ONE cares that you'd "pay a million dollars to see Jason Bourne take on some terrorists."

SWEET MOTHER OF GOD.

There's a woman in here who's wearing neither bra nor panties. She has on "pants" and a "shirt" and "shoes." That is all. There is NO evidence of undergarments - because the ENTIRE Starbucks can see both her nipples and her buttocks.

Let's try to describe this.

The top is a peasant blouse cut out of extremely sheer material. Curtain sheers are less sheer. Lace doilies are less sheer. This is something on the approximation of clear packing tape.

The fabric is so sheer that when she turns around, I can clearly see her nipples. There is no bra. Nothing. Just 50-year-old boobs. They're in good shape (good for her) but still. Areola isn't something you expect at a Starbucks at 3:30 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon.

This is both MORE and LESS than a peasant blouse. MORE in the sense that there is only the suggestion of sleeves - basically a poof of material somewhere between the bicep and the elbow. Got that visualization? Good. Now hold your arms to your side and realize how low that hangs. That's where the TOP of the fabric ends.

LESS than a peasant blouse because ... obviously, there's much less of it. It even happens to be a crop-top, held up by a three-inch band of elastic cinched under the boobs. There's a vast and wide expanse of leathery tanned stomach between the bottom of the "shirt" (I feel dirty even besmirching the term like that) and the start of the ... pants?

Once she enters, she realizes that she *might* not be appropriately clothed - so she hikes the thing up on her shoulders and crosses her arms so as not to flash the world.

But we haven't even gotten to the PANTS.

Which, again, is ascribing kind terms to piece of fabric approximating items of clothing.

More sheer white material stretched far beyond its useful limits. The best thing about these pants is that her rear end has not held against the ravages of time with the same force as the rest of her body.

In other words, her ass is sagging.

And this white, filmy material is gripping every inch of it.

And did I mention that the pockets (why God why?) have little silver swoops of crystals appliqued on them?

She tops (or bottoms) all this off with three-inch cork wedges. She clonks around on them like a champ. Obviously used to them.

She keeps staring around the whole time she's in the store. Nobody looks at her when she looks around, but the second her head is turned, EVERYBODY STARES.

MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE PRACTICALLY NAKED. Cancer patients wear more as they're being wheeled into the operating room. Their vital parts are covered.

Just another Sunday afternoon at Starbucks.

Thank you - Unknown Areola - for making the second birthday of Starbucks Drama such a treat!

PS: Subscribe on Kindle! Or buy me something off my Amazon.com wish list! (I love chocolate!)

VIDEO: A day in the life of a Starbucks barista

2011-07-22T00:22:00.000-04:00

I don't really approve of the profanity in this video - but I know - for a fact - that lots of baristas face people like this every day. Every. Single. Day.

If the video does not play, go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JGD4pGAP8jE

Review: Starbucks Salumi & Cheese Bistro Box

2011-07-16T05:06:00.000-04:00

I had my first Bistro Box tonight. From the post title, you know that it was Salumi & Cheese (and yes, it is "salumi" - not "salami). I thought I'd "review" the Bistro Box - and give my impressions.

If you're interested in a discussion about the entire "salumi" vs. "salami" debate - PLEASE check out the detailed comments on StarbucksMelody.com's blog post about Bistro Boxes. As far as I know, there was never a definitive answer - but look - this is the coffee change that names "Small, Medium, Large, Big Gulp" as "tall, grande, venti and trenta." Do you REALLY think they give a whoop about selling four slices of salami as "salumi" for seven dollars? No. I didn't think so.

WHAT DO YOU GET?

For $6.95 plus tax, you get 4.6 ounces (TOTAL) of prosciutto, two kinds of salami (peppered and dry), Asiago cheese, crackers, olives and a square of dark chocolate. And a VERY LARGE limp lettuce leaf.

HERE'S HOW IT BREAKS DOWN:

(3) paper-thin six-inch strips of prosciutto
(2) two-inch circles of dry salami
(2) two-inch circles circles of peppered salami
(4) triangular wedges of Asiago cheese; if you put them together you would get two squares slightly larger than one inch
(7) olives (WITH PITS) packed in their own 2 oz. cup
(4) Ak-mak crackers (5x1 inches, 2 packs, 2 per pack)
(1) large leaf of Romaine lettuce folded under the prosciutto and salami slices to give the appearance of the package containing more protein than it actually does.
(1) one-inch square of dark chocolate in a green Starbucks foil wrapper

Nutritional information on
the Starbucks Bistro box.

HERE'S THE NUTRITIONAL DETAILS:

Serving size: 1 package
Calories: 420
Calories from fat: 230
Total Fat: 26g (39%)
Saturated Fat: 9g (46%)
Cholesterol: 70mg (23%)
Sodium: 1710mg (71%)
Total Carbohydrates: 22g (7%)
Dietary Fiber: 3g (13%)
Sugars: 3g
Protein: 25g

According to the ingredient list, both types of salami contain sugar and corn syrup.

DIVING IN:

I made sure to take a photo before I ripped in. I have a lot of thoughts - starting with the packaging.

The paper packaging doesn't come off nearly as easily as I thought. The brown paper label is attached with some gummy adhesive - and doesn't pull off easily. This will be a problem in communities that demand "clean" recyclables. The green "ribbon" around the box doesn't go all the way around - and seems to be able to be used as some kind of ripcord to slit the brown paper and make it easier to wedge the corners of the box open.

The plastic box does open really easily - although I did have a handful of sticky label residue.

THE FOOD:

I have knocked Starbucks food for years. The new "healthy" pastries are just not as good.

And I think including lettuce as a garnish and space filler is frelling ridiculous. But as a confirmed fat person - the TASTE of the stuff in the Bistro Box is ... AMAZING. Within the bounds of what can be packaged and shipped for thousands of miles, this is high-quality stuff - especially the meat.

You just don't get a lot of it. Seriously. Less than five ounces of food - and you get a larger portion of cheap crackers than cheese (even though the name of the product is "Salumi & Cheese.") Really. You can get a pack of the crackers for $0.17 on Amazon. Do the math.

I have to give a shout-out one of the longtime baristas at this store - who shared her impressions of the Salumi & Cheese Bistro Box with me. She was very generous with her time - even though there were only two people on duty. I was able to ask questions about the product, which items in it she liked, didn't like or some of the curious tastes I sampled. It was an excellent example of connecting with customers - and yet another reason I will always treasure this particular neighborhood store.

ITEM-BY-ITEM - MY IMPRESSIONS.

Pepper Salami: At least two people have said that they found the pepper salami too strong. I like strong tastes and was pleasantly surprised by this item. It does have a pungent kick - almost as if someone accidentally dumped half a pepperpot into the soup by mistake - but it makes a nice change from bland, assembly-line food. Both salamis were meaty and the slices thick and chewable without being like those hard-as-a-rock gift salamis that come in Swiss Colony gift baskets at Christmas.

Dry Salami: Nice, pleasant. I couldn't tell much difference from the pepper salami other than the obvious lack of pepper. I made a little sandwich with a half a cracker, a piece of salami and a bit of cheese. It was great. You definitely get plenty of meat with this carnivore's delight of a meal - although you CERTAINLY pay for it with the salt and cholesterol content.

Prosciutto: The prosciutto is good quality - but not great. I've shelled out $14 for a quarter-pound on the half-way good stuff before. I know. This whole thing does cost $6.95 after all. There's more prosciutto than anything else - which is nice. It doesn't taste especially greasy - but it has that nice, slippery, meaty feel. The strips are paper-thin - and tear easily. There's not much of a "smell," because of the overpowering odor of the pepper salami next to it.

Cheese: I was disappointed that there were only four small triangles of white cheese. The label claims Asiago and that's what TWO of them definitely are. Both the barista and I detected different flavors in the other two; she'd had a Salumi Bistro Box the day before. The cheese was still semi-soft, although I wouldn't rule out a Romano, but it was like a spicy Asiago. Definitely a little harder, a little spicier. But there was basically only a two-inch by one-inch wedge of cheese once you put the triangles together. Disappointing on that front - and really not enough to enjoy with the salami and prosciutto.

Olives: More disappointment. Seven Greek olives sitting lonely in a sealed 2 oz. cup. I think I got four brown and three green. And there were pits. The barista warned me and there was a tiny warning under the ingredient list on the packaging. I almost swallowed one of the pits trying not to gnaw on the olives while people were looking at me. Another thing that bothers me about the pits - I tried various flavor combinations among the items in the box - and having pits effectively removes the olives from that equation.

Crackers: The crispy Ak-Mak crackers were previously in the Fruit & Cheese platter. You get four of them and they're the perfect complement to the the salami, cheese and prosciutto or to munch as a cracker. Try not to think about the fact that you get more bread (twenty inches altogether) than cheese in a "Meat & Cheese" plate ....

Chocolate: Baristas and friends have raved about the dark chocolate square - calling it "the best part of the meal." I deliberately saved a bite of the pepper salami until the very end - then followed it with half the dark chocolate square to see how the combination of spicy and sweet would taste.

The chocolate is good - very good. Very, very good. Creamy, with just the right amount of bitterness needed for dark chocolate but yet not overwhelming. And you get less than an inch of it, so make it count. Try not to think about the fact that you spent $7 and the best thing about the meal was a single square of chocolate...

Lettuce: Absolutely worthless and whoever stuck this in there should be ashamed of themselves for starving rabbits everywhere of their rightful provender.

Furthermore - it was arranged in such a way as to make the salami and prosciutto portions look as if they filled the entire end of that tray - only to open it to find more than half the space occupied by limp, wilting and unappetizing lettuce. Thanks for that.

WASTE - AND NO RECYCLING:

Although nearly everything in the package can be either compounded or recycled - that only happens in select communities.

One thing I was definitely unhappy about - especially seeing as how Starbucks has championed green initiatives - was the amount of wast generated by the Bistro Box. In fact, the packaging itself is a huge step UP in plastic from the previous sandwich offering - and the lunch trays which at least had biodegradable cardboard bottoms.

I wound up throwing away what trash I could - and bringing the plastic home to recycle in my bins. This is NOT GOOD - and I wonder how much of this plastic goes to landfills on a daily basis?

All that hue and cry about dipper wells - and no recycling bins?

WHAT KINDS OF TRASH DO YOU GET?

(1) Six by eight by one plastic tray
(1) 2 oz. plastic cup - which contained only seven olives (extremely wasteful); this cup is also used for hummus, the peanut sauce with the lettuce wraps and some other things. It is very sturdy plastic - and could be re-used for personal things if you stick it in a bag or purse - but will most likely be thrown out.
(2) plastic wrappers used for the Ak-mak crackers
(1) foil wrapper for the dark chocolate square
(1) lettuce leaf
(?) multiple pieces of the brown paper wrapping

The Bistro Boxes also DO NOT fit into the trash cans. I saw a woman trying to cram the leftovers from her Lettuce Wraps into one Thursday night; it didn't fit and she scattered peanuts all over the floor for the baristas to sweep up.

VALUE:

In Florida, the sales tax is six percent, thus the Bistro Box costs $7.37. Adding even a drip coffee pushes the total to very near $9. With a tip (or a more expensive drink) you've dropped $10 or more on what's not even fast food.

In defense of the Bistro Box - it is high quality and I did feel like I was getting something reasonably close to gourmet. I never feel that way at McDonald's, Wendy's or Chick-fil-A. It is definitely "aspirational," right down to the price.

I will also say that because I at very slowly, analyzing each bite and pausing mentally to make note and try different combinations, I was relatively full after finishing the Bistro Box and a trenta raspberry passion tea lemonade (of course, the lemonade helped!). For an on-the-go lunch, it is something I'd get; for an everyday meal, no. Any anyone expecting to feel "full" after one of these is either delusional or probably not the typical person who's going to be shopping the Starbucks cold case for lunch...

To me, one of the biggest negatives remains the astonishing nutritional information. In only five ounces of food - Starbucks serves up 26 total grams of fat, 9 grams of saturated fat (almost half your daily allowance), 1710mg of sodium and 70mg of cholesterol. As the "carnivore's delight" of the set, this is definitely the most "unhealthy" of the Bistro Box line - but I'm almost betting that it will prove the most popular.

OVERALL IMPRESSIONS:

I was surprised and somewhat gratified by the quality of the food - especially the prosciutto and the pepper salami. Starbucks resisted the urge to bring the taste levels down to the blandness preferred by most of America - and hopefully palates will appreciate that.

I'm disappointed by the distinct lack of cheese on an item with "cheese" in its name, as well as the paucity of flavorful olives (and the dreaded pits).

The flavors all mesh well together and present multiple opportunities for delightful surprises should you be in the mood to experiment with a bit of salami here, a touch of cheese there or a cracker and olive together. Think of the Bistro Box as the starter platter at a low-end Mediterranean restaurant with a great charcuterie next door - and you won't be disappointed.

And savor the tiny square of chocolate (at least until they wise up and start selling them as standalones). It doesn't last long.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your Flomax flow?

2011-07-14T17:16:00.000-04:00

So, this anecdote has (almost) nothing to do with Starbucks and everything to do with my normal life. But it does have to do with human interaction. And it is highly amusing. So, you get to hear it.

In my real life, I write about the arts and theater. I spend at least a quarter of my nights inside a theater of some sorts, watching plays and musicals. Seeing as how I live in "God's Waiting Room," and unless there are children in the audience, I'm usually one of the youngest people in the audience.

I have a routine - adapted over a couple of years of trial and error. I have yet to find a performing arts center bathroom commodious enough to handle the crowds at intermission, so I always go before the show.

Which is where this little adventure took place.

Fair warning - if you don't like to read about bathrooms - exit now - although I will do my level best to avoid an in-depth description of bodily functions.

Anyway. I'm in the bathroom stall - the handicapped one - because I have absolutely no qualms about using that one. Where other people see "RESERVED FOR SOMEONE ELSE," I see "LUXURY SUITE, DELUXE ACCOMODATIONS."

I also like privacy. No one needs to know that I play Angry Birds on my phone 24-7. DON'T LIE, YOU DO IT TOO. Just don't forget to turn the sound down.

I'm trying to three stars on a jungle level in Angry Birds Rio when my concentration is shattered.

Two old men are have a loud, proud and VERY informative discussion. Honestly, some of the things I've overheard in theater bathrooms would make anyone blush with shame - although my favorite has to be "It takes me all night to do what I used to take all night to do."

Anyway.

Old men like to compare their medications - and the subject of the conversation turned to Flomax - which is apparently a prostate drug. I had to look it up.

They either don't know - or don't care - that there's anyone else in the bath(room) - and proceed to talk about the state of their prostates. And how it helps them improve their functions ....

And so help me Kali, when old men talk about their "functions," they're talking about "sine, cosine and tangent."

I find out more than I ever wanted to know about Flomax, when you should take Flomax for maximum benefit throughout the day, with food or without, with prunes or without, the side effects of Flomax, that you can allegedly take saw palmetto instead of Flomax and how "everything feels better" when the one in the baby blue trousers doesn't forget his dose.

I don't know whether to laugh or to cry. I know one thing - I'm not leaving the stall while they're there - for fear I'll get dragged into this conversation.

Keep in mind that I'm getting ONLY the sound from this conversation - and the attendant sound effects that are happening as well. Flushes. Grunts. Zips. Grunts. Splashes.

AND TINKLES.

I love old men - they just yammer away about anything and everything while standing at a urinal.

Oh. The title of the play I was seeing? "Breakfast at Starbucks," about two middle-aged people who meet at the green goddess and fall in love.

How do you like your frappuccino?

2011-07-13T16:52:00.002-04:00

Well, that was a new one. I'm watching a metrosexual pair of tourists ... give oral pleasure to a pair of frappuccinos. And just when I had thought of packing up to leave.

I saw them come in just as I thought of shoving off for the night. Germans, probably by the vowels. One is wearing the tightest royal blue A&F polo I've ever seen on a twenty-something, with glittering black gemstones in either ear and a popped collar that would make any guido proud.

The other one has a tight gray T-shirt, a faux hawk and a scarf artfully coiled around his neck. Denim shorts and Fila sandals complete the look.

They both order frappuccinos and prowl the restaurant while they blenders whir. They inspect the merchandise, the table, the pastry case, even the rack of day-old newspapers on the walls. Tourists, through and through. Every experience is exciting, fresh and new.

The frappuccinos come - and the fun begins.

They sit down at a four-top - facing each other and take the lids off.

They've got straws, but decide not to use them. Instead, they start dipping their tongues into the whipped cream and start licking it up, almost as if a pair of cats digging into a large saucer of cream.

I try not to stare - but they are blissfully unaware of anyone and anything else but the sugar bombs in front of them - and it is quite a sight.

The one in the scarf sticks his whole nose in, makes a sucking sound and gets a huge gulp of whipped cream and chocolate into his mouth. He licks his lips and wipes his nose - only missing a dot of whipped cream.

Popped collar laughs and reaches across the table to wipe it away.

I get the feeling I've just watched something incredibly intimate.

They bend back to work on the frappuccinos - and tear through them. Within three or four minutes, they're gone - and the tourists with them. Walking, side by side, into the night.

UPDATED: Starbucks Bistro Box: Will it sell? Will you like it? Find out!

2011-07-12T00:12:00.003-04:00

Baristas at my local Starbucks were setting up the cold case for the new Bistro Boxes tonight. I got to kibitz and ask all sorts of questions. I wish I could have taken detailed notes – but I wasn’t expecting to try to write anything until I saw Melody’s blog post. In short - they will sell - but I'm not at all excited about Bistro Boxes.

UPDATED: Starbucks also has a fact sheet out with details on exactly what is in each Bistro box: http://news.starbucks.com/article_display.cfm?article_id=548

(Entree Size) - $6.95
- Chipotle Chicken Wraps Bistro Box
- Sesame Noodle Bistro Box
- Chicken Lettuce Wraps Bistro Box
- Salumi & Cheese Bistro Box

(Snack Size) - $4.95
- Tuna Salad Bistro Box
- Protein Bistro Box
- Chicken Hummus Bistro Box
- Cheese & Fruit Bistro Box

This is adapted from a comment I left on the StarbucksMelody.com blog. If you're interested in any aspect of Starbucks - please follow her, although you won't find the same snark you find here.

Overall, this isn't something I'm excited about - nor an item I expect to try on a daily basis. There just isn't a lot of food on the plate - especially when a burrito from Chipotle is $5.95 - and is probably three times as heavy (and filling). Honestly, I just don't think that a Bistro Box would fill up anyone but a "healthy, lean person." I think the goal is admirable - and I'm grateful to Starbucks for trying to encourage new food habits - but I'm not sure that Bistro Boxes are the way to go.

This USA Today article pretty much nails it though:

"The target: the 45% of Americans who are "wellness seekers — constantly looking for healthy options," says Annie Young-Scrivner, global chief marketing officer." http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/food/2011-07-11-small-portions-lower-calories_n.htm

I'm also not a fan of the nutrition information - or should I say what's actually IN the things? To me at least, there's a LOT of cholesterol and sodium in the items - which makes sense considering how the food has been treated. They conveniently highlight the low-calorie options in the USA Today article.

No matter what Starbucks customers might want to believe - pastries aren't baked 'in the back" and the food it isn't "fresh" in the sense that someone cut that chicken up Tuesday morning and put it on a plate with some crackers and hummus a few hours before. Starbucks has a lengthy supply chain - and the food is just a part of that.

- If I were going to get one, I'd go for the Salami & Cheese, or else the Fruit & Cheese, which is a close duplicate of the old Fruit & Cheese plate - MINUS the cheese cubes. It also appears that the bowl of almonds and cranberries is smaller, also green apples instead of red.

- To the average person used to a meal at even a fast-food restaurant, the portions are going to be … small. Some of the bistro boxes have 4.6 ounces of food; I don’t remember which the largest is, but I think it is under 9 oz. — To put that in perspective – according to the Internet, a fully dressed Whopper is a little over 10 oz. To the health-conscious set, they’re possibly going to be considered acceptable – and we all know that is where Starbucks is going – it doesn’t have to taste good anymore (frappuccinos, pastry) – is just has to be good for us (Vivanno).

- The container of hummus with the Chicken Hummus meal is about the size that sides of salad dressing comes in. The piece of pita bread - broken in half so as to look larger - is about the size of a rice cake. I'd say that if it were a circle, it would not even be as wide as two business cards laid end to end. I'm not trying to knock this stuff - I'm just trying to put the AMOUNT of food you get into perspective so that when people pay their $5 and rip open the plastic, they're not all "Um, where's the rest of it?"

- I’m no health nut, but I’m wasn’t overwhelmed by the nutrition information. The fat was about 8-9 grams per meal. The sodium and cholesterol levels for some of the meals (again, I can’t remember as I didn’t take notes) were in the 20-30% range – and again, remember that is for less than 9 oz. of food. By comparison, a Whopper has 678 calories and 37 grams of fat. It also has 911 milligrams of sodium.

- I believe the Chipotle Chicken and Salami & Cheese are priced at $6.95; everything else is $4.95. I could be wrong though.

- I will truly regret the loss of the Chicken Pesto Pasta. I could always count on it for a quick, filling lunch.

- There are a lot of wasteful, useless lettuce leaves in the Bistro Boxes. If you're unsure of how fresh the food is - look for how limp the lettuce leaves are. Why are they there though? No one I know eats random limp lettuce.

- Baristas raved about the chocolate bar inside. Raved. It isn’t large though – maybe an inch square? And it appears to be hidden from sight if you just pick up the bistro box and look at – as if the chocolate is a surprise bonus Easter Egg once you get the meal and open it up.

- The packaging is wide and flat and does not fit into the cold case well at all. A large amount of cold-case real estate is being given up to it – at least in the short run. At the store I was at – they were being laid four across on the bottom two shelves. There’s virtually nothing left in the cold case but the drinks and a wedge of space for juice boxes and some of the cups of fruit – which are very popular at this store.

- The general consensus seems to be that certain ones (Salami, Chicken Hummus, Cheese & Fruit and one of the vegetarian items) will be very popular and the line will eventually contract to those items instead of the eight now offered.

- There was some discussion over whether the price point – $5 for the cheaper ones – would make it an attractive enough option despite the relative “lack” of food customers get. Most baristas found the old food offerings over-priced – and believed the Bistro Boxes would sell well. I personally don’t know. When you pick the Bistro Box up – it just feels “light” – and if you’re hungry, I just don’t know that you emotionally want to pay $5 for what is essentially an appetizer instead of a sandwich when you CAN SEE a sandwich the size of your fist. Then again – the Starbucks sandwiches were flat-out awful (even when I brought them home, toasted the bread, added more cheese and mayo, etc.) – and I don’t have a product research division the size Connecticut to tell me how/when to launch a product. We will see.

- The packaging they’ve chosen is … interesting – going for the simple look. I think it looks plain – and cheap. It is very likely designed to be recycled AND made of recycled materials. I just wish it didn’t look so … peasant?