Starstalker Celebrity News

When dirty Harry met Dani - Starstalker.co.uk

Nazi sympathiser Prince Harry has found his dream date in Big Brother racist Danielle Lloyd.

The British royal - who is in no way the son of fellow ginge and royal mother-f**cker James Hewitt - has been allegedly flirting with the busty, yet vacant, one.

An eyewitness told reliable rag The Daily Star: "Harry couldn't take his eyes off her boobs. She's a very tall girl in her high heels and when he chatted to her he kept talking to her cleavage."

Please email editor@starstalker.co.uk with suggestions about the scintillating conversation these two beacons of British society could have enjoyed.

Jack's the elephant man - Starstalker.co.uk

An elephant has had a lucky escape after a shocking encounter with Ozzy Osbourne’s obese son Jack.

The poor brute valiantly tried to make a run for it as he felt the earth tremor and saw Jack flabbering towards him.

Jack revealed: "We were filming about 10 elephants simply walking along. Then a big male got into the road and turned towards the car. I was terrified. He started coming towards us with his ears flapping. That's a sign the elephant is angry and could be about to charge.”

Unfortunately Jack escaped with his life and a suitcase of cash.

David learns to write - Starstalker.co.uk

Fasten your seatbelt and get ready to eat your hat because illiterate moron David Beckham has started his own blog.

The man who admitted he can’t do his six-year-old son’s homework with the immortal line: ‘It's totally done differently to what I was teached when I was at school,’ is actually writing his own online diary.

Pearlers so far include:

“Thanks for joining me on davidbeckham.com – it does seem incredible that in all my time playing professional football, I haven’t had my own website.”

Finding a cure for cancer is ‘incredible’, David, the fact that your management hasn’t let you talk on your own is merely ‘sensible’.

And the immodest:

“I was so happy to be able to leave having given the fans something to celebrate.”

Presumably he means the departure of Dictoria.

Fans can expect regular updates - unless he overloads his spell-checker again and the whole internet crashes.

Kylie has no self respect - Starstalker.co.uk

Like a dog returning to vomit, Kylie Minogue is back sniffing round her cheating ex, Olivier Martinez.

The ~~glutton for punishment~~ Aussie pop princess has enjoyed a series of dates with Le Rat after returning to Paris for hospital appointments.

Despite incriminating photos of Olivier with lingerie model and all-round dirty girl Serai Givati, Kylie’s decided her biological clock’s ticking too loudly to leave him out in the cold for long.

Better the devil you know …

Beth�s tent sex - Starstalker.co.uk

Rock giant Beth Ditto is designing a range of sexy tents for New Look.

The Gossip star claims her ’dresses’ will be better than Lily Allen’s designs for the store - presumably because they’ll berth more than one.

The gigantic frontwoman said: “I’m in talks to do something with New Look at the moment. I love their stuff. Lily Allen is not to be messed with but I think she tries to be a role model, which can be tough.”

But Beth isn’t about to let her new contract interfere with her rug-munching…

Beth told Glamour magazine: “I think about sex constantly. If you don’t think about it, you haven’t had really good sex. If I could just do one thing for 24 hours it would be that . . . or sew. Or have sex while sewing. Or sew an outfit to have sex in.”

Like a tent perhaps?

Jordan sprogs again - Starstalker.co.uk

British glamour model Jordan has given birth to a "beautiful, stunning girl with massive eyes" according to her Neanderthal pop-flop husband Peter Andre.

Word on the size of the tot's mouth, nose and ears is still eagerly awaited.

The Insania crooner told journos outside the hospital: “My beautiful wife (aka Katie Price) has given birth to a beautiful, beautiful stunning girl with massive eyes. We’ve been blessed today. She’s really incredible.”

But Pete doesn't want the most unfortunate baby since David Banda to turn out like her slutty mother. He added: “I am going to be so protective, she is not going to be let out until she is 64.”

Anticipating the backlash against his tight wife’s Caesarean, Pete overstated: “Everything went smoothly. It was a planned Caesarean because doctors wanted her to come out — and who are we to argue with what they want? Katie overcame her fear of needles.

“We haven’t decided on a name yet because we want to see what she looks like over the next few days."

If she looks like any other baby, the poor bairn can expect to be named Beetroot, Baldy, or Monkey-bum.

Jen prefers brickie to Brad - Starstalker.co.uk

Jennifer Aniston claims her British brickie is a shag superstar compared to her exes Brad Pitt and Vince Vaughn.

The former Friends star, who is in no way bitter about her failed relationships, says Paul Sculfor is the perfect bit of rough.

A friend of the ‘actress’ told Star magazine: “She's left Paul in no doubt that he is the man for her. She even let slip that he's better in bed than either Brad or Vince.”

And it seems Jen doesn’t want to disappoint her latest hunk – Rumor Has It she’s been trussing herself up like a black satin-wearing chicken to sate his dirty desires.

“She spent nearly eight hundred bucks on suspender belts, pants and stockings.

“Jen shopped online and then sent her assistant to pick the items up,” continued the source.

Paul, meanwhile, probably just cracks the dirt of his underpants before heading over to Jen's mansion for some famous person poking.

Paris is sprung - Starstalker.co.uk

Paris Hilton has been released from jail following three weeks’ as Large Marge’s luxury dyke food.

The hotel heirhead is out of Lynwood ladies slammer and straight onto your TV screens, radios and webshites selling her story and her soul.

“She fulfilled her debt. She was obviously in good spirits. She thanked people as she left,” grinned Sheriff’s spokesman Steve Whitmore – before heaving a huge sigh of relief.

Paris will now tell her woeful tale of martyrdom in a one-hour TV special tomorrow on CNN’s Larry King Live - which gives her just enough time to have new hair extensions, an all over body tan and a back, sack and crack wax. Remember kids: jail gives you balls.

Our vapid ex-con will then spend the longest-hour of our lives detailing what it’s like to break the law and be punished.

A spokeswoman for the show said: "We do have Paris on Wednesday. She'll do the whole hour."

And if that’s not enough for you, sit tight for the multiple magazine spreads, an autobiography, and the inevitable 2 Nights In Paris sex tape.

After all, if Paris didn't love to make the same mistakes twice, she’d have never gone to jail in the first place.

Pam�s lap dancing club - Starstalker.co.uk

Pamela Anderson plans to help more girls hinge their careers on bouncing boobies and big hair.

The pneumatic blonde wants to wind down her showbiz career (she’s currently hawking her body into a spangly swimsuit as a magician’s assistant in Las Vegas) and start up her own lap dancing chain.

The busty blonde, who is currently in Finland getting to grips with her heritage, hit upon the saucy idea as she planned a steamy sauna with her father.

The blonde sexpot said: "I left New York for Finland today. Just arrived with my father. We are both excited. We will be taking lots of saunas.

“I thought of a great way to celebrate my Finnish heritage at home. I'm going to look into opening a chain of strips club and I’ll call them Lapland!”

Eddie's baby shock - Starstalker.co.uk

StarStalker is as stark-bollock stunned as Eddie Murphy after discovering he is in fact the biological father of Mel B’s baby.

With Eddie’s rumoured penchant for lady boys, we didn’t have him down as so much of a fanny botherer. But then Mel does have a little of the testosterone about her.

And with the nice little earner that is Angel Iris Murphy under her belt, it looks like Mel B may not have to bother with that humiliating Spice Girls come back after all.

Who’s gonna break it to the rest of the girls?

Pete�s diarrhoea diaries - Starstalker.co.uk

Pete Doherty waxes lyrical about his girlfirend, muse and meal ticket in his newly published diaries.

The druggy-loony lavishes praise on Kate Moss - the woman who puts him through rehab, keeps him in the tabloids and mops up his carrot-orange piles of drug-induced vomit.

He scrawls: “You have touched my heart and soul... my sweet.

“Hold me in your arms and I want for nothing… but your sweet scent, your supple body and skin.

"I love her and no other, and the tiffs and tumults come between magical happy times."

The scrubby soap-dodger also claims the pair are on the verge of marrying - on the unlikely proviso he kicks drugs, that is.

He continues: “We shall marry in the summer and I become ten times happier.”

If you haven’t got a life, this book is in the shops now.

Paris handwriting shocker - Starstalker.co.uk

Paris Hilton has been exposed as having the handwriting of a drugged 11-year-old after responding to fanmail while in jail.

Teenyboppers who aspire to being a vapid blonde convict have been lucky enough to receive sickly letters from the vapid blonde convict.

Here is the transcript of Paris’s epic letter:

“I read your letter and just wanted to thank you for your kind words of love and support. The fact that you took time out of your day to write to me truly means the world. Especially at such a difficult and scary time in my life. But I am being strong and trying to make the best out of the situation. And the letters I’m recieving (sic) do put a smile on my face as I sit here in my cell, sad and alone. Again thank you so much and may god bless you and your family.

Love always,

Paris Hilton xoxo"

She's so strong!

Christina Aguilera pregnant - Starstalker.co.uk

Christina Aguilera is reportedly three months’ pregnant with a little Bratman.

The Dirrty girl, who is married to behind the scenes flunky Jordan Bratman, is on the verge of announcing her happy news.

A pal told the New York Post: "The rumours about her are definitely true.

"She's been telling friends. She has to be three months now, because she's announcing it."

Jen�s a mummy�s girl - Starstalker.co.uk

Jennifer Aniston may have lost Brad Pitt to Angelina Jolies fucktastic charms - but she isn’t letting go of his parents.

The washed up TV star is holding on to Brad’s mother Jane like Donald Trump clings to his last few wisps of carefully backcombed hair.

After Jane was seen ~~bound and gagged~~ at Jen’s house on Sunday, Brad’s brother Doug shrugged to People: "Jennifer is a friend of Brad's. Why wouldn't she be a friend of ours?"

In other unrelated news Angelina Jolie has taken up voodoo.

Paris keeps kit on shocker - Starstalker.co.uk

Sex tape slut Paris Hilton has turned down big bucks from Playboy after getting a shred of modesty.

The accidental porn star rejected Hugh Hefner’s offer of a post jail ‘spread’ after her mother Kathy refused to let her daughter get her nip nops out again.

Hugh groaned: "The problem quite frankly is Mama.

"Mama doesn't want her to pose."

Well we'll always have 1 Night in Paris.

Tom not breeding from Katie - yet - Starstalker.co.uk

Tom 'not gay' Cruise has denied turkey-basting his vacant wife Katie Holmes.

Despite ~~brainwashed~~ Katie’s claims they want a sibling for baby Suri, control freak Tom has been quick to quash rumours he‘s already placed a bun in his fertile wife‘s proverbial oven.

A spokesman for the Scientology extremists said: 'They are not expecting a second child. Tom is preparing for his next movie.'

Let’s hope Tom doesn’t notice her bulging stomach then - he’ll have her booked in with the same surgeon who siphoned off his man boobs before she can cry, ‘Please save me!’ to her new bessie mate Posh Spice.

Jessica's huge sexual appetite - Starstalker.co.uk

Jessica Alba loves no-strings dirty sex and wants lots of it.

The horny Latina says she enjoys one-night stands but needs men who will go home when she’s had her fill of their man mayonnaise.

She said: "I could have a one-night stand, and I'm the kind of girl who looks over in the morning and is like, 'Do you really have to be here?' I don't need to cuddle and do all that stuff because I know what it is and I don't try to make it more."

However, despite her voracious appetite for a bit of how’s your father, Jess insists she’s no ho.

"I just wanted to see what it was like to be with different people. I don't think a girl's a slut if she enjoys sex,” she added.

Fantastic Foursome anyone?

Damon dildos for sale - Starstalker.co.uk

Ever fancied a knobbing from Damon Albarn? Well now you can get the next best thing with a Damon dildo.

Gorillaz member Jamie Hewlett is designing a range of six vibrators – each based on the animated bandmembers’, er, members.

The spunk-monkey has teamed up with Jimmy Jane sex toys to bring a bit of plastic fantastic to their fans’ lives.

Apparently when you use them, everything becomes a bit of a Blur. View the collection here

Angelina's adoption spree - Starstalker.co.uk

Angelina Jolie is planning to add up to 10 children to her whopping flock of Jolie-Pitts.

The orphan-collector wants an entourage of 13-14 assorted sprogs and plans to continue her global ~~shopping~~ adopting spree.

Brad Pitt’s missus said: "It fluctuates between seven and 13 or 14.”

However, sex-object Ange admits motherhood has its downsides.

She added: "Four is kind of kicking our ass, but we kind of feel like, 'Damn it, we're up for the challenge!'"

In other unrelated news Brad Pitt has been spotted tying a brick to his balls…

Paris' plastic fantastic - Starstalker.co.uk

Jailed madwoman Paris Hilton is could emerge from the slammer looking like a sick medly of Liz Taylor, Joan Rivers and Michael Jackson.

The deranged barbie doll is reportedly planning to hire the same plastic surgeon as the anus-faced stars to give her a post-prison makeover.

The rumours came about when Dr. Steven Hoefflin was spotted leaving Hilton’s mansion at 4am last weekend, when she was temporarily released from jail.

A source said: "It's like hiring Picasso to paint your portrait or booking Tracy Emin to make your bed."

K-Fed gets Shar pregnant - Starstalker.co.uk

Spermtastic c-rapper Kevin Federline has shot off his load and hit goal again - impregnating ex-girlfriend Shar Jackson for the third time.

The hotshot gold-digger, who is still married to Britney Spears, already has four rug rats - that he knows about.

A source clamied Shar is 7 weeks pregnant, before adding: “Britney will freak. She’ll see this as a slap in the face.”

If K-Fed carries on like this, he’ll have Angelina Jolie knockin on his door before long.

Lindsay�s Pure party invite - Starstalker.co.uk

Lindsay sniff'n'scratch Lohan may be in rehab but she’s still planning an eyeball-rolling, face-sweating booze-up when she’s released for her 21st birthday party on 2nd July.

The firecrotched starlet is currently undergoing a public penance in rehab after she crashed yet another Mercedes . However, she's still sending out invites to all her most loved liggers ahead of the Las Vegas bash.

Click here to see the invite

But it won’t be the same without Lindsay’s jailbird pal Paris Hilton to hold her pocket mirror and lick her credit card. As Paris hides from Large Marge in her cell, Lindsay will be partying with 10 Hilton look-alikes in a bizarre Hollywood homage to her incarcerated pal.

Hopefully Paris will do the same for Lindsay when she inevitably gets sent down...

Jen leaves adoption to Ange - Starstalker.co.uk

Jennifer Aniston would probably rather shave off her dinner plate nipnops than give in to her biological clock and embrace motherhood Angelina Jolie-style.

While Ange may be willing to mop up Jen’s sloppy seconds, the chinny TV star is feeling no need to hop onto the baby bandwagon and start her own travelling orphanage.

Despite rumours to the contrary, Jen’s publicist slammed any idea she might follow in the footsteps of that blood-bottling dirty gerty.

Stephen Huvane said: “It is completely false. Jennifer has not met with any adoption agencies."

In other unrelated news, Vince Vaughn has reported his turkey baster as missing.

Brit's addicted to special K-Fed - Starstalker.co.uk

Britney Spears should be winging her way to rehab for her incurable addiction to her c-rap star ex.

The shaven-havened singer is reportedly back bumping her nasties with Kevin Federline after he spent the night at her mansion.

If the rumours are true then expect a new Britney baby soon - K-Fed’s only got to booyaka at his bitch to impregnant her with his donkey DNA.

Dirty Dolly's grave decision - Starstalker.co.uk

Cone-tittied singer Dolly Parton is planning the breast gravestone ever.

Dolly - who appears to have put her career on hold while preparing for a Pete Burns lookalike competition - wants a statue of her huge mammaries erected above her final resting place.

Apparently she’s hoping it will be a huge pull for tourists.

Well if you do want breast-loving necrophiliacs arriving at your graveside wielding a Polaroid camera and a spade...

Paris: I�m not dumb - anymore - Starstalker.co.uk

Jailbird Paris Hilton has sparked an epidemic of global sniggering after claiming her incredible stupidity is just an act.

The hotel heirhead made the ludicrous statement on US TV yesterday before bemoaning the lack of Crème De La Mer on the inside.

The accidental porn star whined: “I used to act dumb. That act’s no longer cute.”

So dumb is no longer cute when it lands you in jail with just a couple of bars between you and 700 butch lesbians baying for your fanny batter, hey Paris?

However, with God at her side, there’s no stopping the rise of the new improved, intellectual, Paris Hilton. The incarcerated scarecrow added: “I’ve become more spiritual. God has released me.”

Before quickly slamming her back inside...

Paris' prison look - Starstalker.co.uk

Master criminal Paris Hilton’s stepping up her publicity campaign as her jail sentence looms this week.

The hotel heirhead is working on a striking new image to grab media headlines across the globe as she’s committed on the 5th June.

Sources close to the star told The Sun: “If she’s going to jail she’s going to make her entrance as glamorous as possible. She wants the media to see her looking her best.”

And the desperate reality star is even planning to turn up a day early so she makes the deadline for America’s weekly celebrity mags.

However, Paris isn’t prepared to sup from the furry cup to hit the headlines. Prison bosses this week announced they’ve hand-picked her cellmate to make sure she isn‘t dyke food for large Marge.

Expect Paris’ prison diaries in time for Christmas.

Courteney's baby plans - Starstalker.co.uk

Courteney Cox is determined to expand her family despite suffering with postnatal depression after the birth of her first child.

The brave mother-of-one struggled to conceive and then battled with mental health issues after Coco was born in 2004, but still wants to try again.

She told Marie Claire: “I'm not really ready right this second, but I'll probably do it one more time. I'm planning to do IVF again.

“I think the baby part - like waking up early - is hard. Really hard. Do I believe in post-natal depression? Yes. Did I have the worst case of it? No.

“Women have hormones. It's not easy and as we get older, it gets harder. But there's ways to deal with it and stay in balance.”

Surely she’s not talking about medication? Time to get your Scientology soapbox out Mr Tom Cruise.

Lindsay hooked by hillbilly - Starstalker.co.uk

Kerb-cracker Lindsay Lohan is addicted to hillbilly heroin - according to her estranged father.

The flaming firecrotch, who is currently in rehab after the police confiscated her cocaine following an embarrassing prang in her car, is hooked on painkiller OxyContin.

Michael Lohan advised: “She needs to get clean, then let God into her life.”

OxyContin is nicknamed hillbilly heroin because it’s so popular with, er, hillbillies.

Lindsay checked into Malibu rehab centre Promises last week.

Lindsay in rehab - Starstalker.co.uk

Swaying lush Lindsay Lohan has finally checked herself in to rehab after being arrested for driving under the influence of drink or drugs.

The firecrotch’s publicist today released a statement trying to end the laughter over her jail-bound charge.

"Lindsay admitted herself to an intensive medical rehabilitation facility on Memorial Day," crowed the lackey.

Let’s hope it does for her, what it did for Britney Shears.

Travolta's daddy uncool - Starstalker.co.uk

Hollywood wackos John Travolta and Kelly Preston are praying to intergalactic overlord Xenu for a third child.

The Scientologist pair - who came up on the same banana boat as Tom Cruise - want a brother or sister for Jett, 14, and Ella Bleu, 7.

Must be the seven year itch...

John told People: “At the end of the summer we're going to try.”

Which schedules the silent birth for late next spring. Aw.

Britney vomits on herself - Starstalker.co.uk

Just one day after claiming she’s back in control Britney Spears has been found sprawled in the men’s toilets, covered in vomit, with her wig hanging off.

The pop star-turned-slummy mummy achieved the triple whammy during a night out at the Sky Bar in the exclusive Mondrian Hotel in LA.

A witness said: “Britney was found slumped over the toilet bowl with make-up smeared over her face and her wig hanging off.

“There was vomit down the front of her dress and around her mouth. She must have been sick four or five times.”

Still, maybe after all that vomiting she’ll be thin enough for one of Nicole Richie’s parties.

Nicole: starve yourselves - Starstalker.co.uk

Nicole ‘sicko’ Richie’s downy face has turned red after one of her party invites ordering pals to starve themselves appeared on the internet.

The fake baked skeleton sent out an email to ‘friends’ telling them nobody over 100 pounds would be allowed entry to her Hollywood bash.

She wrote: “There will be a scale at the front door. No girls over 100 pounds allowed in. Start starving yourself now.”

However, Nicole has now claimed the request was a joke. Wow Nicole, you are about as funny as cancer.

We’re expecting Beth Ditto to weigh in with her comments shortly.

Calum�s cocaine orgy - Starstalker.co.uk

Hollywood gigolo Calum Best and wildchild actress Lindsay Lohan are a match made in heaven - official.

Just three days after sex-mad Lindsay was caught with a “usable amount” of cocaine on her post-car crash person, photos of the balding football progeny enjoying a cocaine-fuelled orgy with two prostitutes have emerged.

And the Best comments Calum’s could offer on the matter? “Maybe it’s genetic?”

Still blaming his dead dad George. Nice.

After the serial shagger - who counts sisters Jade and Lizzie Jagger, Rachel Hunter, Jodie Marsh and Sarah Harding among his past conquests - was confronted of the evidence of his Wednesday night orgy by The Sun newspaper, he confessed.

Letting go of his cat-o’-nine tails, Calum bleated: “I’ve been stupid. I regret all of it.

“Whether it’s drink, drugs or women there comes a time when you think, ‘I shouldn’t be doing that.’

“I am a young man and I like to indulge but look where it has got me — I feel ashamed.”

Spot of rehab anyone?

Pammy's bruised body - Starstalker.co.uk

Pamela Anderson’s hot body is being battered and bruised thanks to her gruelling Las Vegas routine as a magician’s sexy assistant.

The star has been practicing with stage wizard Hans Klok and admits she loves being man-handled by the magician.

She said: “I’m just back from Vegas, rehearsing has been awesome - covered in bruises. Being a magician's assistant is very physical! I love it!”

For Pammy’s first trick she comes to life from a poster.

She added: “This is a high point for sure, I couldn't dream of anything better right now!”

And it’s not like anything can go wrong with those twin airbags protecting her…

Britney: I'm a child - Starstalker.co.uk

Troubled pop star Britney Spears has come clean and admitted she is a naughty child who needs her bottom spanked.

In a letter on her website, Britney said: “Recently, I was sent to a very humbling place called rehab. I truly hit rock bottom. Till this day I don't think that it was alcohol or depression. I was like a bad kid running around with ADD.”

After hitting her personal rock bottom (Britney’s rock bottom comes complete with millions, mansion and record deal), the star realised there was more to life than her c-rapper ex-husband K-Fed.

“Both of my sons are asleep. I am truly blessed to have them in my life. Everyday is so surreal. Life in general is so surreal and crazy," she added.

Viva the new Britney! Let’s see how long she can keep it up.

Lindsay conks out - Starstalker.co.uk

Lindsay ‘hoover’ Lohan has been found slumped in a car after a night out - just days after being arrested for driving under the influence of drugs or alcohol.

The 20-year-old hell raiser partied until 4.30am before passing out in a pal’s passenger seat on Sunday night.

Later she was seen collapsing as she arrived home.

The news comes alongside reports that serial shagger Calum Best has flown to America from London to comfort his on-off lover over her weekend arrest.

Probably just all the rohypnol then…

Paris� fitness video - Starstalker.co.uk

Paris Hilton reportedly plans to release another DVD of her getting hot and sweaty.

Already famed for her imaginatively titled porno, 1 Night In Paris, the hotel heirhead is now releasing a fitness video as she bulks up ahead of her time in jail.

Fearful of her new cell mate Large Marge (Fanny McYumyum to her friends), the Hilton honey is spending all her spare time practicing self defence.

Simon says: go home Brit - Starstalker.co.uk

Tight-trousered music mogul Simon Cowell has some sensible advice for trailer trash-turned-pop star-turned-trailer trash singer Britney Spears.

"Lock the door, don't go out with your stupid friends, have some home-cooked food, get a sense of reality,” sniped the man-breasted reality TV star.

Simon continued: "Go lie in the garden, okay? And then say to yourself, 'There's more good in my life than bad. I'm still a rich, talented girl – now I want to get my career back on track.' End of story."

He presumably forgot to add: “And for f**k’s sake do not pose naked with petals on your nips, you bimbo.”

Lindsay's cocaine car crash - Starstalker.co.uk

Anything Paris Hilton can do, Lindsay Lohan can do better…

First it was who could flash the most cash, then who could flash the most gash, now it’s who can do the longest spell in jail.

With Paris soon to be jailed for drink-driving related offences, Lindsay ‘nose-like-a-hoover’ Lohan has upped the gauntlet and gone all out to get herself arrested for drug-driving.

Cops apprehended the serial crasher yesterday while she was in hospital being treated for ~~bust boobies~~ chest injuries after smashing up her Mercedes convertible when she collided with a kerb and a shrub.

It’s not yet known how fast the kerb or the shrub were going, but police insist Lindsay was driving out of her tree.

Speaking at a press conference, cops told reporters: “A usable amount of an illegal narcotic tentatively identified as cocaine was recovered and booked."

Cops are currently testing the substance, just to check Lindsay wasn’t carrying a wrap of icing sugar around with her. Unlikely.

Eva to adopt? - Starstalker.co.uk

Eva Longoria is the latest star to fling her fake-baked body onto the adoption bandwagon.

The teeny-weeny actress, who probably couldn’t pop a ping pong ball never mind a baby, is the latest star to wax lyrical on the selfless joys of giving a home to a needy child.

And with her marriage to basketball giant Tony Parker just a few months away, now is the perfect time to buy a baby

She splurged at Latina magazine: “We both have big hearts and the finances to do it.

“We want to be able to provide an environment of love and stability to a child who otherwise wouldn't have that.”

She's desperate for something...

Sharon�s c-word rant - Starstalker.co.uk

Potty-mouthed mother Sharon Osbourne has threatened to shove Gene Simmons’ head up his wife’s fanny after he joked about her children’s drug habits.

The rock matriarch let rip to Blender magazine: "He'll always be C-list, and his wife's snatch has been rubbed on every pole in L.A. I'll fucking tear his head off and stick it up his wife's c*nt!"

So if the former Kiss front man is C-list, Sharon and Ozzy are what? Riding the crest of reality TV? Wow.

Gene can also expect a human faeces in the post - we reckon.

Pam�s sex tape confession - Starstalker.co.uk

Pamela Anderson has levelled with her kids about her Tommy Lee sex tape - well sort of.

The sex symbol was forced to come clean to her little boys after they watched Sacha Baron Cohen send her up in Borat.

Pammy said: “Actually I did tell them, I said: 'You know, when your dad and I were first together we used to video tape everything. Everybody's naked, hugging, kissing, all that good stuff and someone stole the tape.’”

Despite the Baywatch beauty’s slight economy with the truth, the kids were shocked by the sight of their inflatable mother on screen…

“And I remember when we were watching the film and Dylan goes: 'You mean everybody has seen this?’” added Pam.

“And I said: 'Yes.’”

Brandon and Dylan are 11 and 9 years old.

Mick�s penis buzz - Starstalker.co.uk

Mick ‘tiny todger’ Jagger once forced bees to sting his penis to make it bigger.

The Rolling Bone knocked cremains snorting bandmate Keith Richards off the weird-o-meter after pal Julien Temple revealed Mick’s tight pants really are a hive of activity.

Julien revealed: “It involved putting bamboo over the male member and filling it with stinger bees so the member attained the size of the bamboo. Mick spent months in the jungle in Peru. He was going mad out there I think.”

The (I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction singer’s genitals also hit the headlines last week when his ex Janice Dickinson said Mick “has a very small penis”.

Posh gets dolled up - Starstalker.co.uk

Victoria Beckham’s latest publicity stunt was a load of hot air.

The Spice-Girl-Who-Pointed is currently having a last ditch attempt at a career after failing as a solo artist and a fashion designer, and has found herself clutching the shitty end of the fame stick that is reality TV.

After all, unless you're Pam there’s only so much publicity you can get from poking your perky nipples through see-through blouses.

With TV cameras dutifully capturing the scenes, Posh fooled the paparazzi into attending a fake photoshoot and sent a disguised blow up doll in her place.

With it’s gormless pout and blonde wig, the sex aid was almost a dead ringer for the star. If they had deflated it slightly the difference would have been impossible to spot…

Lindsay�s vodka deal - Starstalker.co.uk

Lindsay Lohan is going from firecrotch to firebelly after kissing goodbye to sobriety and signing a deal with spirits giant Svedka Vodka.

The gash-flashing actress is preparing for her 21st birthday and has netted a seven-figure sum by allowing the vodka brand to sponsor the bash.

Lindsay, who spent 30 days (and a lot of cash) tackling various addiction in Los Angeles’ pricey Wonderlands rehab centre earlier this year, will be celebrating her big day boozing and gambling in Las Vegas.

She should demand a refund.

Paris� panic alarm - Starstalker.co.uk

Jail bosses plan to protect Paris Hilton from tongue-wielding lesbians by equipping her with a panic alarm.

The hotel heirhead, who starts her sentence on 5th June, is terrified of being attacked by her fellow jailbirds and her saucy shoe collection is a known target among foot fetishist inmates.

After a carefully constructed media campaign including public waterworks, appeals to Arnie, bible-clutching visits to church and dressing like a snow-white virgin (!), Paris has won herself goldstar cell service and had her sentence slashed to just 23 days.

Watch our clip of Citizens For A Better America song, Go Away Paris Hilton

Britney�s hell for leather - Starstalker.co.uk

Britney Spears’ love of leather has gone too far.

The troubled wig-wearer delayed hundreds of plane passengers after refusing to sit in a non-animal hide seat on a flight from LA to Florida.

The washed-up pop star waited until the plane was on the verge of taking off before throwing her toys out of her pram and storming off.

"It was quite astonishing,” fellow passenger Tony Sanchez sneaked to the News Of The World. “The doors had been closed for about ten minutes, everyone was strapped in and the plane was about to taxi to the runway when Britney got up and said she had to get off.”

"She just said, 'I don't want to fly on this plane. It hasn't got leather seats.' I heard everything.

"It was quite a fiasco but she didn't seem to care about anything except getting off that plane. All the passengers were furious."

And it's all because Britney loves the feel of cold leather against her buttocks. K-Fed could have told us as much.

Dita turns to acting - again - Starstalker.co.uk

Glorified stripper Dita Von Teese is using the publicity from her Marilyn Manson split to break into film.

The burlesque beauty - who may possibly have made a few, ahem, movies of the racy variety under the name of Heather Sweet in her time - is currently in Cannes, hob-nobbing (wink, wink) with movie big wigs.

However, her latest project doesn’t sound like it’s going to stretch her talents too much; new movie The Boom Boom Room will see Dita playing an, er, burlesque dancer who falls for the charms of the older man.

Well the newly-single girl's got bills to pay.

Johnny�s pikey pirate look - Starstalker.co.uk

Reluctant heartthrob Johnny Depp turned up at the latest Pirates of the Caribbean premiere looking like a dirty hobo.

In true Depp styli the actor hid his iconic face behind a mop of greasy hair and a pair of battered blue sunnies.

Warning to Johnny: if you keep dressing like a dirty junkie, you’ll have that Kate Moss creature sniffing round again. She loves a lad in a waistcoat…

We’re still swooning.

Britney�s synching feeling - Starstalker.co.uk

Fallen pop star Britney Spears was exposed as shameless lip-syncher when her pre-recorded vocals started skipping during her 15-minute performance last night.

The Crazy singer is attempting to boost her shattered confidence with a series of micro gigs ahead of her ~~destined to fail~~ comeback later this year.

So when the tape started skipping, Britney (ever the pro) tried to pull out all the stops with some sexy dancing - until her energetic writhing smashed her microphone!

Still, at least her wig stayed on.

Paris�s jail diaries - Starstalker.co.uk

Paris ‘dyke food’ Hilton is preparing to do a Jeffery Archer and pen her prison diaries.

The hotel heirhead will be sneaking a couple of biros into jail (we can’t imagine where she’ll secrete them) in a bid to rake in teenage girls’ pocket money.

A source told The Sun: “There will be details of clashes with prisoners and disgusting meals. She thinks this will show she is paying her debt to society.”

Paris will begin her 45-day pen-itence at the Century Regional Detention Facility in Los Angeles on 5th June.

Which gives her 17 days to learn how to write.

Keira's breast dream - Starstalker.co.uk

Keira Knightley wishes she could swap her little grapes for pair of big juicy melons.

"I would love to have tits!" exclaimed the pouty one before admitting she was an ardent admirer of Monica Bellucci’s breast assets.

"I would love to have Monica Bellucci's figure" gushed the talking stick insect.

We bet you would you saucy minx!

For now though, Keira will have to be content with getting her hands on Sienna Miller’s lovely jubblies - the pair are currently in Wales playing lesbians in new movie The Best Time of Our Lives.

Marilyn: Dita stripped me - Starstalker.co.uk

Washed up goth Marilyn Manson claims his marriage to Dita Von Teese turned him from rock god to “featherless bird”.

“I was sleeping on the couch in my own home,” whined the pale one. “I was no longer supposed to be a rockstar. I wasn't prepared to be alone. I came out of this naked. A featherless bird."

“I was completely destroyed. I had no soul left,” he cried to Spin magazine.

However, the lipstick-loving singer - real name Brian Warner - has now found happiness with 19-year-old actress Evan Rachel Wood, whose teenage angst won him over when she said she’d die for him.

"It might sound strange," Marilyn added. "But this made me want to live."

Bless. It’s almost like Evan’s feathered his nest and regurgitated worms into his beak…

Paris drops appeal - Starstalker.co.uk

Paris Hilton has dropped her appeal against her prison sentence after being told she will only spend 23 days in jail.

The hotel heirhead was originally sentenced to 45 days in the slammer for violating her probation by driving with a suspended license.

However, the pneumatic blonde is likely to be released early - provided she doesn’t break prison rules.

The Los Angeles Sheriff department said: "She will do her full time, minus 22 days, because of a state jail policy encouraging good inmate behaviour.”

The Sheriff’s spokesman also confirmed that Paris will be placed in “special needs housing” to keep her safe from other prisoners.

The ~~fun~~ sentence starts on 5th June.

Britney dates Ryan? - Starstalker.co.uk

Britney Spears has been spotted out on a date with Reese Witherspoon’s ex Ryan Phillippe.

Click here to watch our video

Sporting a tatty blonde wig, a leopard-print bra and a transparent red top the singer looked more like she was prepared for a night with K-Fed than Hollywood star Ryan.

According to sources, the fallen pop princess seduced Ryan with her sexy dance moves at Hollywood’s Les Deux nightclub.

An onlooker said: “Britney hung out with her friends and her security guard in the VIP area of the club.

“She looked really happy. Ryan was there too and they left within two minutes of each other at 3am.”

We’re sure Reese is delighted at the thought of her two children becoming step-siblings for Sean Preston and Jayden James.

Eva denies sex ban - Starstalker.co.uk

Eva Longoria is horrified by claims she’s imposed a sex ban on her fiance and wants the world to know they’re still rutting like rabbits.

The Desperate Housewives star told Radio host Ryan Seacrest: “Did you guys hear that rumour that there is no sex before the wedding? I did not say that!"

So is she still still doing the horizontal mambo with lovegod Tony Parker at every opportunity?

"Yes," Eva said. "Confirmed."

The miniature actress will marry the basketball giant in Paris this July. Reports she will stand on a small table during the ceremony have not yet been confirmed.

Jess�s sexy sorrow - Starstalker.co.uk

Pitiful sex siren Jessica Alba is drowning in a pit of despair over her stunning good looks.

While other celebs worry about child poverty and global warming (except you Paris), our Jess just can’t stop wondering whether her pretty face is stopping her from landing her dream acting roles.

"I hope all my new work will help producers in getting past my hotness,” lamented the Sin City actress.

And Jess even spends time trying to make herself look less attractive.

“I don't have my breasts under my chin, I'm not showing butt cheeks, nor much leg. I don't go for the trendiest look.”

StarStalker would like to see her conquer Hollywood having been blessed with Jade Goody’s facial features - Babe 3 anyone?

Jordan�s sex life - again - Starstalker.co.uk

Boulder-breasted glamour girl Jordan has been selling Peter Andre’s dignity to OK! Magazine again.

The former Page 3 girl - real name Katie Price - has revealed how acorn Pete has only choked the chicken once since falling ill with meningitis.

“We haven’t been able to have sex yet,” splurged the pregnant star.

“He did blow his load once and I said, ‘Oh, you are getting better then!’” revealed Jordan, before adding the immortal line: “I said to him, ‘I’m not having your medicine balls near me.’”

As if making him wear a diamante waistcoat and sing A Whole New World on his wedding day wasn’t cruel enough…

Paris gets psychiatric help - Starstalker.co.uk

Paris Hilton is pulling out all the stops to avoid slumming it with butch jail lesbians.

The hotel heirhead, who has been sentenced to 45 days in jail for driving while on probation, has been to see a psychiatrist who claims she is too “traumatised” to go through another trial.

The therapist, who has been treating Paris for the past eight months, claims the poor thing is terrified of incarceration.

Dr Charles Sophy recently filed court documents reading: "Given (Hilton's) current psychological, and emotional state ... (she's) not capable of any meaningful participation in a trial.

“She is emotionally distraught and traumatized as a consequence of the findings at the May 4 hearing, the jail sentence imposed upon her by the judge, and her fear of incarceration."

The documents were filed in relation to a slander lawsuit facing the heiress, but refer to the recent ruling against Paris.

Posh�s housewife makeover - Starstalker.co.uk

Victoria Beckham is reinventing herself as the perfect housewife to get her three sons into LA’s most prestigious private schools.

The Spice-Girl-who-pointed is struggling to find a school to accept her three pikey-named boys and is now offering her catering services and husband David’s football skills to bribe top schools.

Posh, who is mother to Brooklyn, Romeo and Cruz, said: “I’ve been having to promise to do loads for the school and David has offered to give the pupils some football lessons.

“I’m just worried that my cupcakes won’t be up to standard!”

It’s probably the football lessons they’re interested in love…

Sarah: Rehab's for pussies - Starstalker.co.uk

Sarah ‘party’ Harding has leapt on the Amy Winehouse bandwagon and declared rehab is for “pussies”.

The sexy singer is world famous for her bleary-eyed booze-ups but refuses to go to rehab.

She slurred: “Only pussies go to rehab. I’m a bit of a geezer-bird, but I don’t drink pints.”

Not pints of beer anyway...

Lindsay's first sex scenes - Starstalker.co.uk

Shagaholic Lindsay Lohan has signed up to play a nymphomaniac, amputee stripper because she wants to prove her acting skills.

The Calum Best-infected actress has signed up to star in I Know Who Killed Me because she wants to wow the world with her sexual skill.

Firecrotch splurged to Nylon magazine: "Chris Siverston is a f***ing genius.

"At first I was like 'I can't do this, I'm getting my legs cut off. I don't want to look like that in scenes, I want to look decent!'

"But that was just me being young and stupid. And I have my first sex scene in it, which I always said I wouldn't do.

"I wanted to do this movie so people can see that I'm a f***ing actress and I've been doing it forever and it's about time people see that. It felt so good to really get to act."

On the other hand, is it really that far a stretch for her?

Paris's class act - Starstalker.co.uk

Paris Hilton has sworn of sex and booze in a bid to escape prison.

The hotel heirhead’s legal team – who have clearly never seen House of Wax - have ordered her to dust off her acting skills and pretend to be an American angel ahead of her appeal.

A friend told The Sun: “Paris’s attorneys have insisted she live like a nun.”

“She has been strictly advised to stop acting like a Hollywood brat and appear more humble as they battle to keep her out of jail.”

Paris's attorney has also ordered her to stop wearing slutty clothes - which must be legal speak for "less flashing your gash"!

“They have ordered her to show a judge she has some humility and social responsibility if she is going to get her sentence reduced on appeal,” confirmed the source.

“That means no booze, no parading round in skimpy outfits, no partying. She’s got to stick with her family and take on a healthier regime.”

And if Paris fails? Violent inmates, communal showers and non-designer jumpsuits here she comes!

Kylie for Doctor Who role - Starstalker.co.uk

Kylie Minogue is staring in Doctor Who to please her “gay husband” - stylist William Baker.

The pop princess will star alongside David Tennant in a Christmas special - but has refused to play a baddie.

Kylie confirmed: "Yes ... my gay husband is so excited about it! But I'm not going to play a villain."

While Kylie is keeping mum on the subject, rumour has it, she’s to play a Kylie-desirable cyber woman.

The female of the species…

Coleen�s big bucks TV deal - Starstalker.co.uk

Coleen McLoughlin has found another way to blight British lives - she’s signed a two-year contract with ITV.

Wayne Rooney’s shag-a-long is already infiltrating homes across the nation with endless glossy magazine shoots and cheap perfume lines.

Now she‘s on the telly box too. Wahey…

The pointless ‘star’ said: "I'm absolutely delighted to be joining ITV, it is a true home of family entertainment and I can't wait to be a part of it."

Clearly they’re paying her megabucks.

And Coleen’s first task? To trick other ugly girls that they too can be famous. Coleen’s Real Women, and see her hire ‘ordinary’ looking women for high profile modelling assignments.

"I want to give ordinary people the same opportunities I've had and persuade the most image conscious in the world that bigger doesn't necessarily mean bad,” gushed the ugly duckling.

Come back Posh, all is forgiven…

Amerie: I'll help Britney - Starstalker.co.uk

Amerie is the latest star to try and cash in on Britney Spears’s notoriety.

The baby-oiled R&B singer wants to help the troubled pop star fly back into the charts and is offering to write a song for the wigged one.

She said: "I'd love to write for Britney. I know I can help her comeback."

However, Amerie then added: "I totally think Michael Jackson can make it again if he has the right record - it's all down to a hit track and it doesn't matter how long they have been away."

Maybe Britney shouldn’t be taking her advice after all…

Lindsay: I�m no addict - Starstalker.co.uk

Lindsay Lohan has denied being a “crazy addict” insisting her time in rehab was simply about “clearing her head”.

Despite photos purporting to show the Hollywood Firecrotch snorting copious amounts of white powder emerging last weekend, Lindsay insists she isn’t hooked on drugs.

"It was a lot of stuff that made me go to rehab. If I want to do something, then I'll do it and you can't stand in my way," Lushy explained. "I'm a tough cookie and I'm Irish-Italian, so I've got a really bad temper. A lot of it was like clearing my head because I'm not a crazy addict."

However, the star admitted staff struggled to cope with her moods. She said: "They've had other celebrities, just never as hardcore as me."

Clearing your head? That is “hardcore”!

Keira�s body beautiful - Starstalker.co.uk

Naïve British starlet Keira Knightley says she’s stripped off so often, men are going to start asking her to keep her clothes on. Bless.

The innocent stick insect, who’s currently filming saucy lesbian scenes with current co-star Sienna Miller, says she doesn’t mind baring all on set but admits she’s worried people will bore of her body.

"I think soon, people are going to insist I keep my clothes on,” lamented the actress.

"I wouldn't do anything I didn't feel completely comfortable with. I suppose I'm very European in my attitude to my body. I don't mind stripping off occasionally."

Especially not when you’re starring opposite Johnny Depp, hey Keira?

Paris bulks up - Starstalker.co.uk

Paris ‘dyke food’ Hilton is limbering up for her time in jail by taking self-defence classes.

The scrawny heiress has received countless death threats since she was sentenced last week and is now trying to beef up before she’s incarcerated on 6th June.

A source close to Paris told The Sun: “She’s so scared about going to jail and will do everything she can to protect herself.

“Paris has been really shaken by the threats. People are saying there’s some tough girls inside who will target her.”

And it looks like the heiress will definitely serve time; yesterday Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger dismissed claims he would review the pneumatic blonde’s case, saying, "I have many more important things to think about."

Like not being cast in the next Terminator movie, Arnie?

Sheryl names son Wyatt - Starstalker.co.uk

Sheryl Crow has adopted a beautiful baby boy and given him the world’s ugliest name.

Two-week-old Wyatt Steven Crow got his tasteful moniker courtesy of Sheryl’s dad.

The singer said: "I am so excited to share with you guys that I've adopted a little boy. He was born two weeks ago.

“His name is Wyatt (after my dad) Steven (after my little brother and Scooter) and we are enjoying some very private family time.”

At least she didn't call him Jimmy...

Mel C: I�ll save Britney - Starstalker.co.uk

Deluded Spice Girl Mel C believes she could rescue Britney Spears’ career with a well-timed duet.

Sporty is convinced she could help the wigged one Spice up her life by teaching her to express herself through her music.

Mel said: "I would love to work with Britney. There has been so much press speculation about her personal life recently - I think if I worked with her she might be able to express herself through music.”

However, with Brit’s back catalogue featuring songs such as Oops I Did It Again and Crazy, we’d say she’s already tried it.

Tonight’s not the night that two becomes one…

Mummy Ange turns Brad on - Starstalker.co.uk

Angelina Jolie claims Brad Pitt finds her sexiest when she’s wearing normal mommy clothes.

Apparently this image of Angelina in a rubber dress would do nothing to stir the Hollywood hunk’s loins - however, show him Ange with a book or a baby and he’ll slip in for a Pitt-stop service.

Angelina reveals: "I could be dressed up in the sexiest outfit for a photo shoot, and by his behaviour, he'll let me know that's nice, but it's nothing as sexy as when I'm home surrounded by the kids or reading books, educating myself."

Angelina and Brad are parents to Maddox, Zahara, Shiloh and Pax but are planning to expand their gaggle shortly.

"Yeah, yeah. More biological, more adopted," confirmed the orphan collectress.

J-Lo death threat drama - Starstalker.co.uk

Jennifer Lopez’s passion for furry fashion has made her the target of sinister death threats.

The I’m Real singer is taking the threats in her stride, but hubby Marc Antony is beefing up their security just in case.

Letters posted to J-Lo’s home address have threatened to “kill her in public just like the slaughtered animals whose fur she wears” according to several sources.

A spokesman for animal rights body PETA has issued a statement saying: "All violence is wrong. But J.Lo needs to stop the real violence she promotes and subsidizes, rather than give herself extra protection she doesn't need."

Lindsay�s mum meets Calum - Starstalker.co.uk

Lindsay ' firecrotch' Lohan has enlisted her mum’s help in her campaign to tame tanorexic playboy Calum Best.

The Mean Girl is hooked on her British beau and was seen introducing him to her mum Dina at New York’s Tenjune club last night.

While StarStalker reckons the pair are perfectly matched in the slutty stakes, we’d advise Lushy not to take any man advice from Dina - her husband is currently in jail.

An onlooker said: “They seemed to be getting along very well.

“Calum, Lindsay and Dina all squeezed together when they posed for pictures.”

Lily: Kate Moss saved me - Starstalker.co.uk

Lily Allen regrets slamming Kate Moss’s clothing line, because the model saved her from a beating when she was a teen.

It seems loudmouth Lil wasn’t always as rough and ready as she is now, and was once forced to call on the professional waif’s supermodel powers.

Lily explained: “I only have nice things to say about her because she jumped to my defence a couple of years ago at Glastonbury Festival.

"These girls were beating me up and she was the only person who stood in and said 'leave her alone you're being bullies'.

"They stabbed me in the ear with a beer can and cut my ear open, I also had two black eyes - it was a bit of a nightmare!"

Yesterday Lily attacked the model saying: “I think it’s ridiculous that she is supporting girls feeling that they should be thin. It’s wrong and it isn’t a good role model for girls.”

Having saved Lily for a beating and allowing the chavette to use her name to garner publicity for her fashion line, it looks like Kate could be the best friend Lily’s ever had.

Paris�s shoe shocker - Starstalker.co.uk

With just 26 days to go before she dons her jail jumpsuit, Paris Hilton has been spotted in floods of tears.

The 26-year-old hotel heirhead is dreading slumming it in the slammer – especially after one inmate left a message on her website threatening to abscond with her Louboutins. Shock horror!

A source said: “One person wrote she is going to steal Paris’s shoes — and if she argues, she’ll be beaten to a pulp. It's horrifying.”

Don’t worry Paris, you won’t need shoes in your 8ft by 12ft cell.

To see more celebrity artwork visit Pretty On the Outside

George slams Spider-Man - Starstalker.co.uk

George Lucas has thrown his toys out of his pram and declared that Spider-Man 3 is a “silly” movie.

The beardy-weirdy slammed Kirsten Dunst and Tobey Maguire’s trilogy, for not having a deep story.

“It's silly. It's a silly movie,” moaned the human koala bear.

"There just isn't much there. Once you take it all apart, there's not much story, is there? People thought Star Wars was silly, too, but it wasn't."

Prior to this rant, Spider-Man 3 was named the biggest blockbuster of all time.

Coleen's scent-sation - Starstalker.co.uk

Coleen 'milking it' McLoughlin is planning a nasal assault her boyfriend would be proud of.

England's only ugly WAG has signed a £10million deal to produce her own fragrance and beauty line.

She said: “I’m working on the bottle designs, then I’ll choose the name.”

Cosmetics companies say the star's iconic ~~chav~~ fashion choices makes her their ideal spokesmodel.

Riddle me this: Why does Coleen wear makeup and perfume?

Because she’s ugly and she smells of course.

Johnny to marry Vanessa - Starstalker.co.uk

Johnny Depp has finally beaten his marriage allergy and is set to wed gappy-toothed love Vanessa Paradis this summer.

The Pirates of the Caribbean recluse is famed for his aisle-dodging but has decided to take the plunge after his young daughter’s illness rocked his family last month.

“Johnny and Vanessa have one of the strongest relationships in Hollywood but after their daughter was taken ill the family became an even closer-knit unit,” a source told the Daily Mail.

The pair are reportedly planning a quiet wedding, with just close family in attendance.

“We understand they will marry this summer,” continued the French source. “'It would make sense they would celebrate [at home] because they don't like drawing attention to themselves. The whole reason they live in France is because they like the quiet life.”

Take note Danielle Lloyd and Kerry Katona – some things are private.

Sophie loves Jordan - Starstalker.co.uk

Sophie Ellis-Bextor has come out as a secret fan of melon-breasted glamour model, Jordan.

The cat-eyed singer insists there’s something charming about the rubber-tittied slutty one.

“I think she’s a phenomenal business woman and there’s a sort of charm about her in the way she’s quite direct about things,” said Sophie.

“She’s a sort of a poster girl for getting on with it, really. I get the impression she’s got a core of steel.”

Soph certainly isn’t wide of the mark. Anyone who’s seen Jordan’s sex video will know the luscious lady does indeed have a core of steel – a removable, vibrating one.

Anti-Paris song released - Starstalker.co.uk

If Paris Hilton thought popularity could save her from jail - she was probably right. However, it looks like she's not popular enough...

US saviours Citizens for a Better America have launched a timely Go Away Paris appeal that even has it’s own song.

Click here to listen

The genius lyrics to the sure-to-be-a-hit track include: “I saw her picture in the magazine / I saw her book in the store / And she had sex on my computer screen / But I just can't take anymore...

"So here's to you Paris Hilton / Will you hear me when I say / You've got everything you want / So could you please just go away."

The group are so determined to get the ~~leech~~ socialite out of the limelight, they’re even selling T-Shirts, hats and thongs featuring their slogan.

Paris is currently petitioning California Governator Arnie for her freedom claiming that she “provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.”

The track is available from iTunes. Buy it.

Pete trades on Kate - Starstalker.co.uk

Soap-dodging junkie Pete Doherty has no need for money - he pays for items with Kate Moss memorabilia.

The police-magnet has been exposed by a London cabbie who had his £250 fare settled with £100 cash and a handful of Moss originals.

After picking up Pete, the cabbie not only got his hands on some genuine Kate clobber, he also got to witness one of the pair’s tabloid tiffs when he made a detour to Moss’s house.

Driver Roland Andrews said: “All of a sudden Kate comes running out and hurls a glass at my cab. She was screaming all sorts at him.

“As I started driving he tried to explain the ruckus, saying, ‘Women trouble.’”.

However after chauffeuring the Fuck Forever drawler all the way from London to Gloucestershire, Roland was stunned to find Pete had frittered away his cash on […fill in the gap…].

He added: “He asked me to help him unload his stuff and then he said, ‘Help yourself, the missus won’t mind.’

“It was a pretty odd night all round, although I’ve lost £150!”

Mike to make Shag Wars? - Starstalker.co.uk

International man of mystery Mike Myers is making a new Austin Powers movie. Yeah baby!

The very groovy news came from the shagtastic man himself as he promoted his latest film, Shrek 3.

Mike teased: "I have figured out that the story will be taken from the point of Doctor Evil. It will be powered from Doctor Evil's point of view. That will be the first of a trilogy…”

However, the Canadian funnyman has since cruelly dashed hopes of a Star Wars spoof. He added: “I'm just joking! ... I haven't figured it all out."

Here’s hoping for one at least. And that Liz Hurley's not in it.

Paris: Save me Arnie! - Starstalker.co.uk

Paris Hilton has called on Arnold Schwarzenegger to rescue her from 45 days of drab jumpsuits and lesbian leering.

The hotel heirhead has posted a petition addressed to California's Governator on her Myspace profile claiming she should be released from her sentence because she brings “beauty and excitement” to ordinary people.

The illiterate clotheshorse wrote: "My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!"

Paris then goes on to make her case...

The petition reads: “Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.”

Selfless Paris, who received the sentence for driving-related incidents, will start her jail-term on June 6th unless her court appeal is successful - or Arnie wades in.

Hasta la vista Paris!

Madonna goes lapdancing - Starstalker.co.uk

Madonna has been raising eyebrows as she prowls London’s lapdancing bars.

The queen of shock has returned from her charity mission to Malawi and is now spending her time asking sexy ladies to wiggle some ass over her way.

However, the kinky songstress insists the visits are business not pleasure - she’s auditioning the dancers.

Not one to take a hint, Madge is trying her hand in the movie business yet again, and is looking for some sexy strippers to star in her latest film.

Guy, meanwhile, is probably at home looking after the kids and begging Vinnie Jones to give him another chance…

Brad to play He-Man - Starstalker.co.uk

Brad Pitt looks set to star as He-Man in a movie epic of the cult cartoon.

The Hollywood hunk is reportedly favourite to land the mighty role, while 300 star Gerard Butler is also being considered.

However, Angelina’s man would have to put in some serious gym time to become the Master Of The Universe.

A movie source whispered: “They are very keen on Brad for the role. He’ll have to bulk up though — he’s very fit but not to He-Man proportions.”

Watch our classic He-Man clip here

Sheryl Crow to adopt? - Starstalker.co.uk

Rumours are wild that Sheryl Crow is on the verge of adopting a baby.

The rock goddess is reportedly set to do what’s known as an ‘Angelina’ in the business, and adopt an orphaned child as her own.

Stars including Calista Flockhart, Madonna and Meg Ryan have all followed in Ange’s footsteps to adopt a tot from a foreign country.

And it looks like single Sheryl, who recovered from breast cancer last year, is set to do the same.

Watch this space.

Kevin and Julio: still spunky - Starstalker.co.uk

Kevin Costner and Julio Iglesias are flying the flag for older dads.

The ~~nearly dead~~ stars have respectively welcomed child number five into the world this weekend, and are acting like sprightly 30-year-olds.

Fifty-two-year-old Kevin’s wife Christine gave birth to Cayden Wyatt Costner on Sunday, while Julio, 63 became father to Guillermo on Saturday.

Cute or what?

Paris's police attack - Starstalker.co.uk

Jailbird Paris Hilton is sticking two fingers up to America’s justice system by lampooning the police in a magazine shoot.

The hotel heirhead pokes fun at cops by posing in a black and white-striped dress alongside models dressed in LAPD uniform for the June issue of Harper’s Bazaar.

And the sexy socialite also verbally attacks the police - accusing them of using their authority to hit on her.

She said: "I think I get in more trouble just because of who I am. The cops do it all the time. They'll just pull me over to hit on me. It's really annoying. They're like, 'What's your phone number? Want to go to dinner?'

"They just pull me over, and the paparazzi, of course, take a picture. All the time. I have so many cops' business cards."

Meanwhile, Hilton isn’t feeling too bad about her sentence - experts are predicting the star will do a Kate Moss and become even hotter property.

"It will actually increase her star appeal in a very sick and demented way," said publicist Michael Levine. “There's a segment of our society that's somehow engaged in the soap opera that is Paris Hilton, and this a very compelling plot line."

Lindsay�s �naked cocaine binges� - Starstalker.co.uk

Lindsay Lohan is a cocaine-snorting slut who loves getting her boobs out, according to the News of the World.

The newspaper claims to have a video tape of the actress snorting cocaine in a toilet while jabbing the drug up another girl’s nose.

The starlet then reportedly ranted: “I'm going to New York tomorrow to f*** Jude Law."

However, it looks like Lindsay’s biggest problem is choosing her friends…

A ‘pal’ of the singer told the newspaper: “She has told me that she has slept with James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benicio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco.

"She loves Brits and has told me she has slept with the singer James Blunt a few times over the past month.

"The last time was on April 15 after another house party. I think they went back to a hotel together afterwards. She is very protective over him and when she heard I had met him she sent me a text saying, ‘Stay away from him Bitch, he is mine.'

"Lindsay told me she has messed around with Leonardo DiCaprio a while ago too but claimed that she didn't sleep with him.

"She also flew to New York about two months ago to go to bed with Jude Law. Last November she slept with Calum Best. She didn't tell me if he was any good but she is usually too wasted to know what is going on anyway."

And Lindsay can’t stop getting her baps out either, according to her friend.

"When she is on coke, which is most of the time, all the attention has to be on her.

"I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone.

"Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out.”

Pete faces jail - Starstalker.co.uk

Shambolic Pete Doherty is facing a stint in the slammer after getting arrested again.

The model-shagging junkie was held over night on Saturday after London cops allegedly found crack cocaine and cannabis in his Jaguar.

The star was spared jail in September on the condition he continued his recovery. However, the judge warned him he would be back behind bars if he was caught with drugs again.

The Babyshambles singer was alone at the time of his arrest, while glamorous girlfriend Kate Moss spent time in the Cotswolds.

At a routine review of his drugs rehabilitation last month, Pete hinted Kate was getting bored of his relapses, telling the court: “The people closest to me have had enough.”

Keira: I stink bad - Starstalker.co.uk

Keira Knightley has admitted she smells “rather musky” because she hardly ever has a wash.

The Pirates of the Caribbean actress claims that while her presence is easy on the eye, it’s an assault on the nose.

“I don’t shower enough. My natural smell is rather musky,” she said.

The star – who is the face of Chanel perfume - then added: “Coco Mademoiselle is the first women’s perfume I’ve ever worn. I need something clean.”

And soap-dodging isn’t Keira’s only bad habit, she’s also admitted she gets rowdy after a few beers.

She said: “Glasses get thrown. It’s good to smash things up. The problem is you spend the next morning on your hands and knees collecting pieces of glass.”

Brad's all bummed out - Starstalker.co.uk

Brad Pitt is interviewing for the position of bottom double on his latest movie.

The 43-year-old has stunned bosses by refusing to bare his bum in the Curious Case of Benjamin Button, despite showing off his pert posterior in 2004’s Troy and posing for Playgirl in 1997.

A source told The Sun: “Casting notices have been put out looking for suitable rears.

“Maybe Brad’s partner Angelina Jolie doesn’t want him stripping off for anyone else these days.”

The cheek of it!

Paris�s painful penance - Starstalker.co.uk

Paris Hilton will be swapping six-star luxury for 45 days in the clink next month.

The hotel heirhead was ordered to spend time at the Century Regional Detention Facility after violating her probation by driving her £120,000 Bentley with a suspended license.

With 2200 female felons for company, Paris ‘dyke food’ Hilton will be entitled to the following:

Three low-salt poultry-based meals a day
Free jumpsuit in orange, white, blue or brown colour
Shared cell with bunks
One full hour to split between showering, exercising and use of the communal phone

Yesterday Paris wailed to photographers: “I don’t deserve this!”

The lucky lass will begin her sentence on 6th June.

Pamela wants Scarlett naked - Starstalker.co.uk

Pamela Anderson wants Scarlett Johansson to pose nude for Playboy magazine.

The busty blonde is enchanted by Scarlett’s curvaceous body and would love to see her pulling some sexy poses.

And Pammy, who’s posed for the mag a record 12 times, reckons the actress’s assets would be a hit with Playboy boss Hugh Hefner.

She told OK!: "Scarlett Johansson would definitely be my No1 choice. But I doubt she would agree to do it.

"On the one hand it's kind of cool to be on the cover of Playboy, but on the other hand, for many actresses, it's not at all."

However, if the fantasy shoot took place, it wouldn’t be the first time Scarlett had posed in the buff – last year Vanity Fair placed the star on the front cover along with a naked Keira Knightley.

Maybe if Pammy posed with her…

Keira plays Sienna�s lover - Starstalker.co.uk

Keira Knightley is excited about playing "fabulous" Sienna Miller’s lesbian lover in a new movie.

The pair are co-starring in The Best Time of Our Lives – a biopic about Welsh poet Dylan Thomas. Sienna will play Dylan’s wife Caitlin MacNamara, who has a passionate affair with Keira’s character, Vera Phillips.

And Keira is hoping Jude Law’s ex will be able to teach her a few tricks.

She said: "I wish I was Sienna Miller. I watch that girl and she's just fabulous.

"She talks to everyone and laughs and smiles and looks as if she is genuinely enjoying herself.

"When I talk to her, I hope a bit of her party personality will rub off on me, but it never does. She could give master classes in being the most amazing party guest."

That's not all she'll be teaching her...

Kimberly wants Jessica's bottom - Starstalker.co.uk

Kimberly Stewart is such a huge fan of Jessica Alba’s bottom she’s doing whatever it takes to copy her delectable derriere.

While Kim’s rock’n’roll credentials saw her named as FHM’s most eligible woman last year, she still wants to improver her package.

She told People magazine: "I want my ass to look like Jessica Alba's.

"She has the best body.

"I've met her before and she is really sweet, too.

"Next time I meet her, I'll ask her for tips on how to get my bum into shape."

And Kim hasn’t ruled out the idea of cosmetic enhancement.

She added: "I would like bigger boobs. I had implants once - a full B cup.

"But I got rid of them because they didn't really fit with my body shape.

"But I'd never say never to doing anything like that again."

Wanted: Wife for Orlando - Starstalker.co.uk

Orlando Bloom is desperate to find his dream girl and start a family.

The Pirates of the Caribbean star wants to settle down and is on the look out for Miss Right.

He said: “I’d like to live a proper family life – with a partner and kids. That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? I’ve had a crazy life and in many ways, I realise now I want someone to share it with.”

Orlando – who recently ended a four year on-off relationship with actress Kate Bosworth – has been linked with a string of famous beauties in recent months, including Penelope Cruz, Kirsten Dunst and Sienna Miller.

What�s that s**t Daddy? - Starstalker.co.uk

Samuel L Jackson taught his daughter to swear when she was only three years old.

The Snakes On A Plane star, whose daughter is now 24, claims he’s never shielded his child from abusive language.

Samuel said: “I recall hearing when she was three talking to her friends and saying ‘f**k you”. She understood the context of different words.

“We took her to a wedding once and was asking her about some food and she replied, ‘What is that s**t?’”

Pam�s magical Vegas role - Starstalker.co.uk

Pamela Anderson says her gymnastic abilities will thrill Las Vegas when she turns magician’s assistant next month.

The Baywatch babe is taking part in Hans Klok’s The Beauty of Magic and claims her sexy suppleness will be invaluable in her glamorous role.

Pam revealed: “My dream of becoming a Vegas show girl has come true - and that I'm going to be a magician's assistant is beyond glamorous.

“Being Canadian and a gymnast and an acrobat, I always wanted to join Cirque du Soleil. I can't tell you how excited I am,” added the busty blonde.

Not as excited as the audience, Pam…

The show starts from 2nd June.

Ricky's naked video shocker - Starstalker.co.uk

Latino love god Ricky Martin has reportedly stunned his fans by playing videos of his manhood on stage.

The snake-hipped singer allegedly horrified fans at a Connecticut concert when he ran footage of himself wearing extremely little clothing.

However, that was just the start of his bizarre behaviour; Ricky further offended his fan base by “dropping the F-bomb*”.

A source told a US newspaper: “The singer shocked the crowd at his concert on Saturday night with sexy video clips showing him in the buff, his private parts barely concealed.

“He later dropped the F-bomb a couple of times during his onstage patter.”

* Presumably F-bomb doesn’t mean fart in this instance.

Peter Andre lives - Starstalker.co.uk

Despite optimistic internet reports of Peter Andre’s death, Jordan’s Aussie strumpet has pulled through.

The Insania singer was rushed to hospital on 22nd April after falling ill with meningitis at Jordan’s Surrey mansion.

Since then the world has been treated to daily pics of pregnant Jordan – real name Katie Price – rushing to hospital to keep her teary vigil at his bedside.

However, Dosh and Pecs have now released the following statement: “Peter Andre has been discharged from East Surrey Hospital this morning.

“He now needs to be left alone with his family to recover.”

This means a glossy photoshoot with OK! Magazine is expected in the very near future.

Linsday�s birthday bash - Starstalker.co.uk

Lindsay ’firecrotch’ Lohan is planning to celebrate her 21st birthday by throwing a massive party in Las Vegas.

The actress, whose drinking recently landed her in rehab, wants to try her hand at another addictive pastime - gambling.

Lushy said: "I'm going to milk it because it's a big birthday. I’ll go and learn how to gamble.”

The starlet – who turns 21 on 2nd July – will also enjoy a quieter party with her family.

"I'm to have a dinner in Malibu. I'm going to be with my family and friends," she added.

To watch Britney Spears's secret comeback gig click here

Arnie's donut dependence - Starstalker.co.uk

Spin doctoring of the week:

Green giant Arnold Schwarzenegger can’t stop eating eco-friendly doughnuts.

While we are awaiting official confirmation from George Bush, rumour has it that Arnie’s favourite sugary snack is the green apple fritter.

And the Governator's waistline isn’t the only thing that’s suffering as a result - counter staff are also feeling the pressure as the Arnie continues to rag them with his ‘I’ll be back’ catch phrase.

You are what you eat.

Olivier laps it up - Starstalker.co.uk

Brad Pitt’s girlfriend Angelina Jolie has been spotted giving Olivier Martinez a lusty lap dance.

The orphan collector was out partying with Olivier - who is ironically dubbed the French Brad Pitt - after attending New York's Tribeca Film Festival earlier in the day.

A well-placed source said: “Angelina started dancing and waving her arms after being cheered on by a group of drummers.

“She was giving him a lap dance. She was looking over her shoulder, tossing a glance his way. It was very, very flirty.”

The couple were previously romantically linked when they starred together in Taking Lives in 2004, but after landing a role in Mr and Mrs Smith, Angelina found the real deal in co-star Brad.

Britney dates rehab rocker - Starstalker.co.uk

Britney Spears was forgetting the Federline on Saturday when she enjoyed a date with a rocker she met in rehab.

The Toxic singer and upcoming star Howie Day reportedly partied around several Hollywood nightspots including Element, Les Deux, Parc and Teddies before heading back to hers to make a night of it.

A source told X17online: "They made a handsome couple. They left the club and Howie drove Britney's Mercedes back to her house and stayed there all night."

The couple met at Malibu's Promises centre where Britney was being treated for alcoholism and alleged post-partum depression.

Which is why it’s so nice to see the pair of rehab releasees hitting LA’s hotspots together!

The 25-year-old pop princess’s penchant for Howie was reported during her stay at the centre - the pair were allegedly caught frolicking in the bushes.

Kylie to sing for Di - Starstalker.co.uk

Kylie Minogue is the latest star to sign up for Princess Diana's memorial concert.

The charity bash will be Kylie's biggest show since she recovered from breast cancer last year.

A source said: "We're just signing off some details, but it all looks good."

However, the Aussie pop strumpet has yet to decide whether she’ll perform or simply host the evening.

Meanwhile, following Take That’s promise to sing at the concert, rumours Robbie Williams will join them on stage have been rife.

A source told the Daily Mirror: "Princes William and Harry know that to get Robbie back with Take That would be a real coup. Robbie has been fairly receptive to the idea and Take That would love it to come together.

"In the past few months a dialogue has really opened up between Robbie and his ex-bandmates. He was touched by how supportive the lads were while he was in rehab."

Other acts confirmed to appear include Elton John, Kanye West, Pharrell Williams, Lily Allen, Duran Duran, Orson, Joss Stone and Rod Stewart.

Prince William said: "We would like it to represent exactly what our mother would have wanted - a big concert full of energy, fun and happiness."

The concert will take place at London's Wembley Stadium on 1st July - which would have been Diana's 46th birthday.

Lindsay's �sex addiction� - Starstalker.co.uk

Lindsay Lohan has sparked fears she’s suffering from sex addiction after admitting she hates sleeping alone.

The Hollywood starlet has been in and out of rehab this year and in her frankest interview yet, she admits her troubled relationship with sex.

She told Us magazine: "It was a lot of stuff ... you know, drinking."

Then she added: "I'm not really like a crazy addict. I mean - I enjoy having sex."

And the star even admitted she struggles to sleep when she hasn't got a man to bounce on her pillows.

She added: "Being an actress is lonely, and I never want to be alone. I hate sleeping alone."

~~How does she know?~~

Gwen: wet and naked - Starstalker.co.uk

Gwen Stefani flashes the flesh when she strips off for her latest music video.

The gorgeous gal’s promo for her new single 4 In The Morning sees her frolicking in a mass of soapy bubbles, wearing nothing but black eyeliner.

4 In The Morning is the third single off Gwen’s second solo album The Sweet Escape.

No Doubt it will be a hit.

Click here to see Gwen’s new video for 4 In The Morning

Dita lashes out at Evan - Starstalker.co.uk

Dita Von Teese claims teenage starlet Evan Rachel Wood is responsible for breaking up her marriage to rock god Marilyn Manson.

The 34-year-old fetish model was so furious when she discovered Manson had seduced the sexy teen during filming of his debut horror movie, Phantasmagoria: The Visions of Lewis Carroll, she stormed out of their mansion, leaving almost all of her belongings behind.

"I left with nothing.,” she told The Telegraph. “I knew that there was an inappropriate relationship going on in [the home], and I didn't want any part of it around to remind me. I didn't want that sofa. I didn't want that bed."

Dita wed Marilyn in a gothic Irish ceremony in December 2005. The wacky pair made their vows outside, at midnight, while serenaded by harp music.

Angelina makes men sweat - Starstalker.co.uk

Angelina Jolie is so hot she makes men break out in a sweat when they see her.

The actress, who’s aptly dating Brad 'arm' Pitt , came top in a poll to find the starlet most likely to make men perspire.

Right Guard’s survey saw the sizzling actress take 27 per cent of the vote, while Jessica Alba followed on 17 per cent and Scarlett Johansson managed just eight per cent.