Edith MyRant

Miles From Anywhere

2016-06-28T13:17:00.002-07:00

I've been on a writing roll today so I thought to my self, "Self, why not jump on that long neglected little blog of yours and hammer out a little of what's been happening?" Okay, here goes.

I've been quiet on here and in a bit of a slump (re: BIG slump) because I cast off everything that I was comfortable with and all complacency and took a big leap. I left my home, job(s), boyfriend, friends, school and packed up my kids, moved to Iowa and began a new chapter. This chapter is kind of an interlude more than anything. A buckle-down and get serious before I get to jump off to my next adventure. I moved in with my mother so that I could focus on school and my new plan of becoming a teacher.

This might seem like rash or impulsive behavior but I gave it a LOT of thought. I have been toiling in the design world for a very long time. It's an awful field. It's great when you have the perfect position, but they are few and far between, highly competitive and work you to the bone for not a very good compensation. I started to not love it. What I did love was volunteering at my kids' school. The more I was there and getting to know the students and staff, the happier and more fulfilled I was. I wondered if there was a job that could give me that and...)BAM( It hit me! I could teach. The rest is history.

I keep telling myself that even though we left everything we loved, it's all temporary. It's been one of the hardest transitions of my life. I thought about blogging about it all before, taking a fish out of water angle on it (city mouse to country mouse type thing) but I don't really have all these fun anecdotes. It's not really that kind of place. I've isolated myself because I don't know how to relate to people here.

The richest and most rewarding parts of all this happen here, in our house. My kids had a good school before, but now they have more dedicated staff and educators. The teachers up here aren't stretched as thin and it makes such a huge difference. My mother and I had a very strained relationship in my adult years for various reasons, but now we are closer than I thought we could be. We've become a parenting team (of sorts) for my kids and a pretty great one.

I'm trudging through the day to day and mounds of schoolwork trying to balance kids, schedules, freelance work, housework, yard work and some creative outlets. I'm not exactly counting down the days until we are ready to break free, but I keep a watchful eye on that calendar. The kids are doing great in school but are no more successful in social aspects here than I am. We are all in a kind of stasis together holding our collective breaths.

I hope to impress upon them through this experience that realizing your dreams takes sacrifice. That their family will always support them. I hope they are grateful for the richness of their lives and the novel experiences that they have been so lucky to have thus far. It should lessen the void left in us from when we departed our beloved city. Just a bit.

Attacked

2014-11-17T09:06:00.001-08:00

I'm often baffled as to why I can't seem to incur a "normal" injury if some injury HAS to happen. If I get a pinched nerve in my neck, it's not from straining to lift something heavy. No, that would be understandable. It has to be something that makes people point and laugh at me or just plain not believe it. The last time I had a pinched nerve in my neck, it was because I opened a cabinet and an unsecured package of marshmallows flew out, hitting me in the face, causing me to jerk back in an unnatural way and my muscles to seize. I was out of commission for three days because of marshmallows.

Yesterday, I had a similar attack. I was heating up some leftover pizza from Waldo Pizza for lunch. I had taken the kids there the day before because, well....it's a favorite of ours. I got a combo pizza and got the kids cheese crusts. I was heating my combo slices and getting drinks ready for lunch when I heard the pizza sizzling a bit in the microwave. I pulled the microwave door open which is mounted above the oven in my house. There was an abrupt *POP* and a renegade piece of food flew out of the microwave and landed upon my chest, right in the spot a necklace pendant would sit. I felt my skin scalding and sizzling immediately as I tried to grab the piece off. It was found to be a black olive coated in sizzling, melted cheese. There was still smeared cheese remnants searing the already flaring flesh on my chest.

I got the rest cleaned off (after losing several layers of epidermis) and treated the area with a healing salve. It was a fairly serious burn but that didn't stop my children from laughing and teasing me. This morning they sweetly told me "Olive you, mom!" Before bounding into school. I'm on strike from the microwave.

Parents Who Slack....Watch Your Back.

2013-09-23T19:06:00.003-07:00

I'm in full on RANT mode tonight....target? LAZY PARENTS. Look, I know how hectic life can get. Believe me. I DO. It's hard managing kids, a full time job, housework, bills, doctor appointments, school activities, sports, menus, shopping, and try to still maintain a personal life. I GET IT. But I'm a one (wo)man show here and seem to manage a fairly decent balance. I'm not some miraculous wonder. Sometimes....my floors stay a little dirty. Sometimes....laundry stacks up. Sometimes....I miss a deadline and have to pay a late fee. Really not the end of the world.

You wanna know what would be the end to me? My kids looking back at their childhood and not remembering their mom being invested in them. Them thinking at any point that I didn't really care what they did. For me, it's important that they know that I care about EVERY TINY DETAIL ABOUT EVERYTHING THEY DO. Why is that? Hrm....because it's my fucking job. I'm their mom. If I don't notice or care, then somebody else will at some point and who knows who they will turn to just to get that. If they get it at home....then they need not look. This is second to my point.

I recently decided to UP my game a little in the mom world. The boy is doing amazingly well with his behavior and it's freed me up to involve myself a bit more in school activities and such. As I help out on the PTA and with the Girl Scout troop....I can't help but look around and wonder....where the fuck is everyone?! I know there are a TON of stay at home moms out there and two parent families that could spare a parent for a meeting or two. The involvement is minimal or not at all. The board members are begging for help. This is our kids' school! They spend most of their time there during the week. It seems weird to me that parents can be so hands off about their kids' activities, education and community.

These are usually the same parents that show up for the planned activities for the school and complain about how "unorganized" everything is because of a lack of volunteers and grab up all the freebies that others have busted their asses doing fundraisers to provide. It's vile. It makes me angry as fuck but it also sets my resolve even more to work harder, participate more, give all I can to my community and kids. Maybe I could inspire ONE parent along the way. Maybe my hanging out a few more minutes in the daycare to joke with some kids or recommend books to them doesn't do much. Maybe handing out popcorn at movie night up at the school seems meager. I don't really care either way. My kids see their mom jumping in where help is needed. They see that I interact with their peers as well as my own. They see that doing things for others is it's own reward. They also see that I love them enough to integrate myself into each aspect of their world.

That is what being a parent is all about. If you want your kids to become something great, then show them how to be great. You are their only example and teacher when it comes to their character. Get off your ass and get to work. Just because they are out of diapers, doesn't mean your job is done. C'mon parents....be better.....I'm watching.

Bitchface Tuesday

2013-08-21T20:10:00.001-07:00

"Yay! I'm in a parade!" Bitchface

It occurred to me recently that I had not blogged about Girl Child in a while. I'm pretty sure she needs an update about now. She is seven and a half, obsessed with mermaid spells, swimming, ice cream, candy, climbing things and hating me. Yup....that last one is especially true lately. Seems like every time I open my mouth to say something, her glare is already on me at max power. Seven going on seventeen and bitchy.

"Waiting in Line to see Santa sucks" Bitchface

I saw this hilarious blog about a month or so ago called Reasons My Son Is Crying. It gave me an idea. A few weeks ago, I started pointing my phone camera at her every once in a while when she was death-glaring me about whatever set her off. It quickly became my passion. Thus, Bitchface
Tuesday was born. I post a new bitchface every Tuesday on my facebook. At first I thought if I showed the Girl these ugly faces she makes at me, it would make her stop. It didn't. She just rolled her eyes and sighed at me very Napoleon Dynamite like and told me, "It's.....whatever....MOM."

Mother-daughter relationships are often wrought with drama. They are complex. There is a power struggle going on. They can also be really great and rich. That happy shit is great and all, but I'm not selling Hallmark cards. This is a blog. I'm not selling anything. There's just truth. The truth is, if you are raising a daughter, you are going to get bitchface. Enjoy.

"Shut up, I'm reading Redbook" Bitchface

"This face-painting hurts my face" Bitchface

"Festivals are lame" Bitchface

"Not taking toys to school is bullshit" Bitchface

My Asshole Neighbor

2013-07-19T20:39:00.000-07:00

Everyone has one. There is always someone nearby that just doesn't know how/want to get along with everyone. There's always that ONE individual who just rubs everyone else the wrong way. Maybe it's because they don't have a sense of community. Maybe they just don't give a shit. In any case, there is ALWAYS that self-centered turd that does whatever they feel like, regardless of time, place, people or consequences. In my world, (in my home world anyway), that douchebag is Bruce.

I knew what Bruce was about the minute I met him. He came over to my house, wandered in to introduce himself, perused my personal space while swirling a snifter of cognac and invited me to his upcoming "lingerie party". By this, he meant an actual party, where people come over dressed in lingerie. He is in his mid-twenties. He goes to his older neighbor lady's house, where she lives with her kids, and invites her to a party where she needs to wear only her underwear. He then tried to make it sound more inviting by adding, "I'll be wearing a thong." It was like a new level of weird.

He's this guy that is always overly extra energetic and shooting me with double finger guns saying cheesy shit as he runs across the lawn laughing about who the fuck knows what as he jumps into his ORANGE SUV. I despise him in just about every way there is to despise a human. His very existence annoys me. Tall, skinny, goofy looking, and living directly next door.

All this probably doesn't sound too bad yet. I probably look like the crabby jerk here. The thing that REALLY annoys me is that we live in a duplex. I SHARE A WALL WITH HIM. This means I get to hear Bruce have sex. I get to hear him practice guitar (which he sucks at). I get to listen to his shitty music. I hear every time he laughs his asinine laugh. He slams doors, stomps feet, has friends over to party EVERY NIGHT OF THE MOTHAFUCKIN WEEK! Last week he stopped by to see what I thought about him getting a drum set. Bruce is a goddamn idiot.

I'm trying to be a good neighbor here, but this dude sucks. His grating personality aside, he has no respect for me or my kids. I tell him they have bedtimes and he needs to keep it down. I tell him this several times a week. I don't call the cops that often or tell the landlord because I'm not THAT tool. I do think that turnabout is fair play though. When I get particularly annoyed, I park my minivan in the driveway and block him in. I let my little early risers have their own party (drums included). So help me....it will be a battle of wills to the very end. I'm onto you Bruce....and I will win.

Dear Twenty Somethings,

2013-05-31T13:28:00.000-07:00

Hey guys.....you sure are ridiculous. I know becoming an adult can be rough. No, you don't have the same body you did in high school. The crowd you run with may be different. You might have to work full time instead of going on road trips whenever, getting drunk on Tuesday night, or up and deciding to play video games for 7 hours straight. Awwwww......suck it up assholes. You are doing it all wrong anyway.

My generation put your generation to SHAME! I actually heard a twenty five year old talk about how going to concerts wasn't fun anymore. DIRECT QUOTE:

"If doors open at 6, that means I spend a good 3-4 hours standing in the same spot without shifting between bands, and getting shoved around for the other 2-3 hours. My feet get tired, my back hurts, I get tired of holding my beer, complain complain. Only recently have I realized that if I'm not satisfied, there is no reason for me to stay."

You guys suck at concerts.

This person went on to talk about how it sucks getting old. WTF?! You whiney bastards!!! I hear lots of mid-twenties folks talk about how they feel "old". What the hell? You think you leave high school and college and suddenly you need to file for retirement? It's not that you guys are old.....it's that YOU GUYS SUCK! Your generation is lame. You don't know how to communicate properly, research properly or APPRECIATE SHIT PROPERLY. Even your partying skills suck. What's that saying you guys like so much? "Go home twentysomethings.....you're not drunk enough!"

You guys suck at hanging out.

It may have been a decade since I was in your shoes, but I remember those days well and they were PRETTY fantastic! I know I lived in a townhome with two roommates, had a hot-tub in my bedroom, worked a full time job, played the field (dated and had fun at it), had great friends, parties, real shenanigans, went to concerts, on vacations, and appreciated every minute of it. I would have punched you in the face if you suggested we stay in and watch tv instead of going out on ANY weekend night and I would've had to be dragged out of a concert early or carried out on a gurney.

You guys suck at dressing yourselves.

You guys can't even socialize properly. You are always checking your phone, quoting memes, taking pictures of yourself, your food, checking in to wherever you go.....I think maybe you guys think you are more interesting than you really are. YOU ARE IN YOUR TWENTIES!!!! Try living in the moment a little instead of constantly trying to capture it for a screen saver. Someday, if you are lucky,

maybe you can be lame, stuck at home with kids, complaining about how you feel old and how dumb the next generation is.

Excuses

2013-05-20T11:22:00.001-07:00

In psychology and logic, rationalization (also known as making excuses) is an unconscious defense mechanism in which perceived controversial behaviors or feelings are logically justified and explained in a rational or logical manner in order to avoid any true explanation, and are made consciously tolerable – or even admirable and superior – by plausible means.

Enter "The Boy". His laundry list of insane excuses for the incredible things that transpire in my house is quickly becoming legendary. I have decided to lay some of them out in my blog not only for the sake of entertainment, but for genuine documentation. The first excuse was the latest and the inspiration for this blog.

That's the culprit right there giving the parade wave.

1. I walked in my children's shared bedroom to find Little Mermaid stamps covering my daughter's dresser. When questioned, the boy insisted a ninja "sneaked" in and perpetrated the act right under everyone's noses and "sneaked" back out. Ninjas.

2. Another time, his sister was using the age-old sisterly method of tattling on her brother, when he interjected a solid point that would surely blow her story out of the water, "She's drunk!"

3. Poop smears on the bathroom wall were apparently the product of the neighbor's cat.

4. Me, "Did you pee your pants?!"
Him, "Naw, it just rained on them."

5. Bedtime. Kids hate it. Boy's excuse, "My room is broken."

6. Chores: "My arms are broken! They huuuuuuurrrt!"

7. Anything I won't let him do, "My teacher said I could!"

8. One time, he lost his shoes and told me that dinosaurs ate them off his feet.

9. "I only do what cheerios tell me!"

10. And my personal favorite: Me - Will you clean your room already? Boy - I would... but I just don't want to.

The dang kid is four. I just want to hold off on him getting any bigger or any cheekier as long as possible!

Why Mother's Day Can Suck It

2013-05-09T19:42:00.001-07:00

So, if you've been reading my blog for a hot minute, you know that being a single mom isn't all puppies and rainbows and`sing-a-longs and sunshine. Sometimes it's like you live in that garbage room in Star Wars where the heroes get trapped and the walls start closing in on you and the smelly trash seems to be eating it's way up from the floorboards and nobody hears you calling for help or even cares. Just like that. Thank goodness the good people of the greeting card companies thought how nice it should be that moms get a day all their own to feel all specially. Unless those moms are single.

It's a little anti-climactic to plan your OWN Mother's Day celebration, dontcha think? My kids, at seven and four, are not really old enough to plan anything or go to a store on their own. The ex and I quietly despise each other, so he's not doing me any favors. What then? This whole idea of a holiday and a celebration for moms becomes a mockery of what the single mom doesn't have and how she gets to work twice as hard without a break. No husband to shoulder the responsibility, send her to the spa, make her a delicious breakfast, coordinate a special home-made something with the kids for her. FUCKING NOTHING. It sucks.

If I'm lucky, I will get a card from one of the kids that someone at their school has helped them with. IF. I'm being gripey, and yes, it's super lame that this day that's supposed to celebrate me always makes me Bitter Betty, but I do always end up having fun with my kids. Last year, we went to the aquarium together. The year before that we went to the zoo. They don't remember to take it easy on me. They don't shower me with affection. It's okay in the end somehow. They still manage to remind me that they are what keeps me going and we all have each other in the end so who needs all the rest of it?

Suck it, Mother's Day. We aren't buying.

Surviving the Corporate Game

2013-05-01T09:13:00.000-07:00

I have only recently joined the corporate world after a LONG bout of unemployment and contract work and HOLY MOLY! It's SO weird. I'm not talking about an office/workplace with a business casual kind of vibe. Nope....this place is suit and tie five days a week. It's such a brand new culture to me that I've had a little trouble assimilating. I regard them with the curiosity and fascination of an anthropologist who has just discovered a lost tribe from the mythological depths of some historical valley.

So I've been picking up a few things here and there and decided to make a list of things I could do to facilitate my ability to fit in.....if I so choose. Let's face it though....most of these people are assholes and I don't really care if they like or talk to me. It's just fun to study them for now.

1. Keep hair tidy and freshly cut. These people hate mess. My hair is rarely in any kind of order, so this is proving difficult.

2. Wear matching shit in boring colors. They key words here are SLACKS, BEIGE, GRAY, IVORY, BLOUSE....basically anything your grandma would look at you in and say how nice you look. Bright colors frighten them unless you opt for a "powersuit", in which case, red is clearly the way to go.

3. BIG fake smile....wear it ALL the time. Even when there is bad news or someone just crop-dusted your cubicle. You can still look like you want to hurt people or cry with your eyes though. There are no rules as far as eyes are concerned.

4. When anyone with a real office (not sitting in a cube) makes a joke or says something vaguely silly, laugh as loud and hard as possible. (Don't fall down or out of your chair)

5. Decorate your cubicle with ONLY the following acceptable items in moderation: kids photos, sport paraphernalia (keep a keen eye for what's the most popular in the office), kid drawings, work-related papers and calendars. THAT IS IT! Don't put up things corporate folk don't understand (ie, art, pictures of your favorite musicians, philosophers, scientists, etc..) Stick to family and sports and motivational posters.

6. Wear expensive clothing. It can't just be boring...it must also be expensive. They know the difference.

7.Make small talk while passing people or getting coffee. Some people may ignore you, but this is okay. It just means you need to seek them out more so that they can see you genuinely care about them and want to get to know them. Small talk can include such pleasantries as "How was your weekend, Phil?" "That's a lovely tie." "End of the month....what more can I say, amirite?"(I call all the men Phil, Robert or Matt as those are the most common names here according to the phone list and the odds are in my favor.)

8. Try and talk about work as much as possible. They all seem really into what they do and focus on the most boring conversations about new policies and company infrastructure. Research some of the most boring areas in different sections of the company so you can "wow" others with your comprehensive knowledge just by using blanket statements. This works for sports talk also.

9. At company gatherings, hang back for a while and gauge who is the loudest/drunkest/wildest person there. Buddy up with them. You will look calm and composed by comparison.

10. I'm still learning the ropes at this stuff....but here are some things I have definitely learned NOT to do:
don't rap old gangster tunes while making coffee, don't "boop" sales reps on the nose, don't donate blood during the work day (especially if you act a little drunk when light-headed), don't try to make up special handshakes with your lunchbox twin (actually, you should probably not even acknowledge that you are lunchbox twins even if you are and you think it's awesome.), and lastly, don't get stuck in a bathroom stall with a broken lock so that you have to crawl out from under the stall to get out. In retrospect, these things may have not helped me to assimilate.

Go forth with confidence that my simple rules will help you climb that corporate ladder! (They don't have any ACTUAL ladders at my work, so I'm not really sure where that saying comes from.)

For the Grieving....

2013-04-11T20:39:00.001-07:00

Not Actual Joe....

I lost a really great friend this week. Joe was probably one of the best I will ever have and that says a LOT because I have been really blessed in life with some great people. He really stood out though. There are so many people writing things about him and sharing their favorite memories of him because he was pure gold. I needed to write my own feelings about him down mostly because they are mine, but everyone sees a person a different way. I had nothing but love for my friend. I can feel the empty space in me that his soul's departure has left. Right now, it hurts like the dickens.

Joe was one of the first people I met when I started roller derby just a few years ago. The very first night we hung out together, I gave him a ride to our league's first (now annual) Ugly Sweater Party. My car was broken into that night, the window smashed in. He expressed to me that somehow (in his crazy mind) he felt a little responsible, having ridden in with me. I dismissed him, but regardless, the very next morning, there was a mobile window repairman at my place looking to patch up my window. I called him up and yelled at him that he barely knew me! He had no right! He simply answered that he would not let me drive my kids around in the winter cold without a window and he knew that single moms didn't always have the resources to deal with these situations. THAT was just Joe. Well....he won my heart that day. He won it over and over again many days after.

The REAL Joe

He wouldn't really let me ever pay him back for the window, so I told him that I would be his ride to derby practice for as long as he needed one. (He wasn't driving at the time.) We got to be very close and even my kids came to love him. He became the friend I would call to come over for dinner, go to punk shows with, go swimming, and just bum around and watch movies. He was so very smart and not very fun to play trivia games with. He had a Master's degree in biochemistry....so he seemed to retain just about any information that went near his head. He would work on my car in exchange for food. He helped me move and clean out my old place. He would help ANY friend with just about ANYTHING they ever needed and you hardly even had to ask. What he wouldn't do, is ever ask for help.

Everyone who ever knew him, loved him. He was a tall guy with piercings and a mohawk some of the time who wore a stoic expression most of the time. He was nothing like he appeared. He was goofy, dorky, sensitive, weird, awkward, shy, humble, and amazing. I know so many people that miss him so much right now, not the least of whom, his own daughter, Roxanne. She was his life and his light. He loved talking about her more than any other topic in the world.
My heart goes to her and his family. The short time I knew him made a HUGE impact on me. He will never be forgotten because he made me a better person just for knowing him. Rest in peace big guy....you left a Joe-size hole in this world that nobody else can fill.

How to Quit

2013-04-05T07:16:00.000-07:00

I've been asked by TONS of people to write about this. Last year, I quit smoking. I have stayed smoke free since my quit date without a single deviation. This is NO small feat as any smoker knows. Nicotine might be the single most addictive substance out there. Smokers poison themselves slowly and tell themselves it's because they love it because that addiction is so very strong. TRUTH.

Now, I'm not all crusader-y about it (or maybe I am) but I definitely feel like if I could do it, anyone can. I smoked for almost 20 years straight. TWENTY FREAKING YEARS! I quit here and there, but nothing ever really stuck. The bottom line is: I wasn't ready to REALLY commit to quitting. Once you get over that enormous mental hurdle, the rest is cake. Seriously. THAT was my big secret to quitting. You HAVE to be able to tell yourself with complete honesty that you will NEVER, NOT EVER take another drag off a cigarette ever again. And you have to believe it.

First, I set my quit date a couple weeks in advance to mentally prepare myself. It was after my injury last year, so I set my quit date for the day I was getting out of my walking boot. My rationale was, I would be able to move around more instead of being tempted to sit on my ass and smoke. I got some of the nicotine patches to help with cravings, but I got the lowest dosage. I only used them with a little regularity for the first few weeks, then I only put one on when I went out to a bar or party. It really helped with initial temptations.

The BEST tool/resource/aid in my success at quitting HANDS DOWN was this FREE app a friend recommended called Quit Now. It was instrumental and essential in my journey. This app tracks your progress. It tells you how much of your health is returning, how much money you are saving, puts you in contact with others quitting, gives you tips, and marks every achievement no matter how small. It gives you something concrete to refer to so that your accomplishments are marked and have substance. I could not endorse this application more.

Lastly, share your mile markers with friends and family. The support they offer can also make a huge difference. My kids were my biggest cheerleaders and the reason I gave my all. It was easier than I ever thought it could be because of them. I want to be in great health for them and share all their experiences in their lives....not in another room or hanging around outside smoking. I never realized what a time sucker that stuff was! It even becomes a smoker's way of measuring time. STUPID.

This morning I was asking my son if he thought I was forgetting something...because I thought I did and sometimes he is very helpful. He was going through a mental list with me saying, "Keys? Purse? Your money?" Nope....got all those. Then he stunned me by adding to the list, "Smokes?" I stopped short, looked at him and laughed. I said, "Mama quit smoking over a year ago! I don't carry those!" It felt SO fantastic to say out loud, I had to say it a few more times. I QUIT SMOKING! (You can too.)

This One Time In HELL.....

2013-03-05T19:14:00.006-08:00

Stupid blog title...better story. I know, I know....WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN EDITH?! Busy and apathetic so get off my back. I'm here now, and with something that may or may not entertain you. I've always gotten great feedback from some of my stories of particular pain on my end. When I'm in agony, it makes for popular fodder. This particular tale dates back to my first days as a mother of two. I was new at juggling a pair of tots and oh so very naive.

So there I was, my one month old boy snoozing happily in the carseat carrier (which any parent can attest are NOT light and easily maneuvered) and a happy little toddler girl bouncing around me fresh off her recent sugar high. I was rounding up the last of my errands and had saved the most detestable for last: The Grocery Store. Not FIVE MINUTES after I had entered the threshold and veered towards the produce, the nightmare began. Baby boy was awake and he was not happy. He began screaming at the top of his lungs and continued to do so for the duration of this story.

I broke into a bit of a mock-jog attempting to make this trip as quickly and efficiently as possible. The girl, however, had schemes of her own. She refused to get in the cart (which, admittedly would have been cramped anyway) and walked at a pace that hearkened that of an elderly man in a botanical garden. Every so often she would stop to touch boxes of cookies and attempt to smuggle them into my wailing cart. Other times, she would dart ahead and around corners playing a one-sided game of Hide and Seek. IT WAS A FUCKING NIGHTMARE.

Did the fun end there? Well now, that wouldn't make for much of a story! As I finally rushed up to the check out line, eyes from all sides burning straight through me, I tried to remove the now red-faced infant STILL screaming in agony as if someone had sliced off an appendage from his carrier. Holding him with one arm, corralling the devious tot, and unloading my goods onto the conveyor proved to be a bit of a challenge. A woman came over to help me (as anyone within a mile radius could see me struggling) and I was trying to hear her over the wailing, but only caught pieces which weren't helpful anyway because they were in Spanish. While attempting to cradle and comfort the screaming (which was now only inches from my ear), my lovely daughter had somehow obtained a lollipop. The lady in front of me was scowling. "I guess I just bought her that." I looked at the cashier who looked surprised and said "I thought she was with this woman!" I tried to repay the lady and fumbled for my purse as the lady stormed off. I glared at the girl happily waving her prize around.

My items were being scanned, the boy was still screaming, but only a bit quieter than before, and I was digging through my purse when I heard a very familiar voice come over the store intercom. "Hewo? Gwandma? Are you dere? I having fun wif mama!" I looked frantically around and saw my daughter two checkout lines over speaking into a phone receiver. I abruptly handed the cashier my card and ran over to snatch the little escapee up. Upon my return the employee packing up my items had the audacity to ask, "Will you be needing help out with these today?" I could tell he immediately regretted his question when he saw the daggers in my eyes as I glared at him, sweaty, flushed, placing the screeching newborn back into the carrier.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. Having one kid is like a vacation compared to managing two of them. And that was the only and LAST time that year I took both kids to the store with me.

Life's a stitch.....

2013-01-20T18:05:00.004-08:00

My first cross stitch!

So a few months ago I started to stitch. It's a very addictive hobby. I taught my daughter to stitch and she's become pretty amazing at it! We love having this mellow activity we can do together and enjoy thinking of new creations.

Velvet Underground Stitch

Banksy Stitch

Stitch for my dad....his restaurant logo!

Godzilla Stitch

Fight Club Stitch

Album Cover Stitch!

I just wanted to share some of what I've been up to on here. Some of these are other people's designs, some are mine and some are just...improvised! Enjoy!

Best of...2012!

2013-01-07T12:29:00.000-08:00

Back by popular demand! Best of the facebook madness from 2012. I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Year and is excited to see what this year holds in store!

1-5-2012

"Girl child dressed herself in usual brilliant fashion today. Left the house in purple sneakers, yellow tie-dyed leggings, a black and white checkered skirt, a Hello Kitty tee, with a pink argyle skull sweater over it. She radiates AWESOMENESS."

1-6-2012

"Boy child upon opening his burger-"PICKLES!!! How awesome is THAT?!!" I wish I got that excited about a burger!"

1-11-2012

"This morning: Simon-"I hate humans." Elliott-"You ARE a human, stupid!" Simon-" No I am NOT! I am NOT a human!!!" ah.....now we are getting somewhere."

1-18-2012

"Elliott-"I ate the hell out of my chicken." And she did."

1-20-2012

"Having kids is a really complicated and expensive way to test your waterproof mascara."

1-22-2012

"Girl child handed me a note she wrote that said,"Best fred is mom, ♥ elliott". That's right. I AM the best fred."

1-27-2012

"Just gauging by how much delight my kids get out of spinning until they are dizzy, I'm pretty sure they'll be drunks one day."

2-1-2012

"How much Nyquil is too much? I can't feel my face and somehow, now I have 6 children?"

2-4-2012

"Eating powdered sugar donuts at Dunkin' Donuts and my kids look like extras for the movie "Blow"."

2-11-2012

"My son has given me a cute little nickname. " Grandma". NOT cute."

2-17-2012

"You know how you tell your kid to do something and they do it? What's that like?"

2-21-2012

"I served nachos for dinner and my kids looked at me like I had bought them jetpacks. Mom win!!!"

2-28-2012

"Just threw out a homemade Valentine's card from my kid. So she doesn't have to do it forty years from now. I'm so thoughtful."

2-29-2012

"Boy child told me something perfect this morning. I have been waiting to hear one of my kids say it and it makes me more proud of him than ever. "Mom, I like David Bowie.""

3-1-2012

"Perfect day for zombie tag! Boy child does such an impressive zombie, a little girl started crying! It was awesome."

3-2-2012

"ACTUAL conversation with my three year old while battling a migraine:
Him: "Milk is spilled in my seat."
Me: "That was from your ice cream yesterday."
Him: "No, it's milk."
Me: "No, it's from your sundae."
Him: "NO! It was Friday."
I give up."

3-14-2012

"Girl child this morning- (she told me all this as I was glaring at her laying in bed) "I don't like your eye. It makes you look like a zombie. At least it's not a broken ankle!!! Or even a broken neck. That would be really bad. How would you eat? You couldn't swallow!!!" “

3-19-2012

"Tonight boy child amazed us with his interpretation of some impressive Latin dances. I would have posted the video, but he was wearing black socks and Airwalks. ONLY black socks and Airwalks. My home movies just earned an "R" rating."

3-26-2012

"Pulled girl child out of school early to play Galaga at Taco Via. I RULE!!!"

3-27-2012

"Just when I thought I was making progress. * sigh. Boy child would now like to be called "Fuckit"."

4-3-2012

"Just got to teach my kids a trick I picked up 20 years ago on red sunshine involving glow sticks and a bubble bath. I knew it would still look cool!"

4-4-2012

"In my house this morning:
Girl child-"I just farted on this drum."
Boy child-"I peed on myself."
They had just woken up. Long day ahead."

4-12-2012

"Girl child asked to keep her chicken bone from dinner. She said she just really likes it. Artist or serial killer? Time will tell."

4-13-2012

"Woke up this morning to find a lake of chocolate milk in my kitchen. Kids are exciting."

4-17-2012

"Some awful child came up and screamed in my son's face. He slapped the kid. I would have done the same."

4-23-2012

"Boy child just told me the scariest thing I have ever heard. " Mommy! I cleaned all your stuff!""

4-24-2012

"Today boy child gave me 9 kisses, 5 hugs, 3 tantrums, 4 heart attacks, 18 smiles, 2 blown ear drums, 1 headache, and about 400 new species of germs. It was a good day."

5-2-2012

"If I hear " Mommy watch!" one more time, I may just stab my own eyes out with wood chips to make the follow through impossible."

5-4-2012

"In the car: Me-" What's that sound? Simon, are you blowing raspberries?"
Elliott-" Oh.... that was me. I started drooling on myself.""

5-5-2012

"Listening to girl child learning to read and sounding out words is quite entertaining. It's like listening to my own little Borat. She just read the dvd player as "Sahnya". Lol (Sony)"

5-8-2012

"Spiderman is still here in full costume. He is running around shouting, " I'm Spiderman! I'm here to save the girls and give them high fives!!!" I wish I was three again."

5-9-2012

"Ugh. Just opened the girl's backpack and found a note from her teacher. She was showing everyone her underwear today. As a derby girl, I'm not sure how to respond to this. They were Hello Kitty after all."

5-11-2012

"Boy child has been with dad child all week. I haven't had to vacuum or pick up toys or hardly clean at all this week. It's abundantly clear who is the weakest link."

5-14-2012

"Oh boy. Minions and I are volunteering at a women's shelter this week, so I thought I'd go over some code of conduct. When I was finished, they looked at me with blank stares. Girl child says, "So I have to pretend to be sensitive?"
This may take a while."

5-16-2012

"I'm the best shoe putter onner. One of my lesser known talents."

5-17-2012

"Note from teacher today: "Yesterday there was an incident with a little boy where Elliott put her bottom and "shook it" in his face."
Seriously? Why were there no $1's in her waistband when she got home? We need to have a talk with this little boy about ettiquette."

5-19-2012

"Girl child is learning to whistle. KILL ME NOW."

5-21-2012

"I wish my kids slept more....or longer. They are so perfect and awesome when they are asleep. These are really our best times together. High five comatose children!!!"

5-24-2012

"Girl child (aka Gigantor) is possibly going through another growth spurt. She layed around, slept and ate ALL day and had about 237 mood changes. I can't wait until she is thirteen. (<- I totally can.)"

5-26-2012

"Elliott on the elderly: " He's just an old man. Old mans are just easy to upset.""

5-27-2012

"Boy child just ran up to me while i was laying in bed, shoved his face into my chest and shook his face back and forth like crazy. " What are you doing?!" I asked. He said, "Looking for a boat." Which one of you jerks taught my kid to motorboat?!"

5-29-2012

"Something I discovered today: The pool is like xanax to boy child. He just floats around in his shark floatie with his little mermaid doll just within reach, completely content, limbs splayed. He did this for a half hour straight. He is a marvel."

5-30-2012

"Today boy child woke up briefly from his afternoon nap to sing a bar from Skater Boi and fall right back to sleep. It may have been the cutest thing ever."

6-1-2012

"Boy child is a sneaky, bed-stealing bastard.....but he's too cute to shove off."

6-8-2012

"There is nothing worse than being unable to move and having your children assault you with keyboard songs they have composed to make you feel better.”

6-12-2012

"Some people say children are a blessing. I see mine more as really short, noisy, filthy, incompetent roommates."

6-14-2012

"Girl child is playing pretend that her brother is a squirrel. She has composed a song for him and has been singing " Simon loves his nuts" for about ten minutes. Can't. Stop. Laughing."

6-20-2012

"Me- " How's that ice cream? Wait.... WHERE'S that ice cream?!"
Boy child- " Behind the couch."
Me- " You didn't."
He nods and smiles.
FML."

6-21-2012

"Tip of the week: Temporary tattoos double as a very strong sunscreen. My kids look like leopards."

6-28-2012

"How in the world did I become a kid magnet? I swear at one point today in the pool, I had five kids hanging off me. I was playing King Kong and throwing them off. They just kept coming and now I'm paralyzed."

7-3-2012

"Most Uncomfortable Way To Wake Up #73 - Having a toy human shoved into my ear."

7-6-2012

"Me - "Except for your hair and eye color, you look just like I did when I was a little girl!"
Girl Child - "Yeah.....except not as ugly."
wow. She also has my tact."

7-17-2012

"Me-" Simon! Did you have an accident?!"
Boy - "No. It just rained on my pants."
Hmmm......but….it’s not.”

7-19-2012

"Boy child is playing a song for me on his make-shift drums that he has titled "Hide the Knives". Too early for xanax?"

7-23-2012

"Boy child staring at me as I got out of the shower - " I'm laughing at your face.... but not your boobs. I like looking at your boobs...... but I'm not laughing at them. Just your face."
Kids are evil."

8-1-2012

"My son carries a sparkley purse because
1. It is practical for carrying large amounts of super heroes.
2. He appreciates the sparkles.
3. He is awesome.
Don't judge.

8-5-2012

"My biggest dream is to one day own something that hasn't been peed on. This would make more sense if I had pets. #donewithkids"

8-6-2012

"Girl child's attempts to "tattle" on her brother were thwarted when boy child constantly interrupted her and argued, "She's drunk."
I never know who to believe around here."

8-9-2012

"It's 9am and boy child is listening to Pantera and playing a snow boarding video game in his room naked."

8-10-2012

"Boy child insisted on wearing his sister's Disney princess nightgown to bed tonight. Sometimes he is so gangster, other times...."

8-15-2012

"Girl child overheard me discussing entering her brother in karate lessons and immediately interrupted to voice her objections. She has deemed this idea incredibly stupid."

8-23-2012

"I paid my daughter two bucks to wipe her brother's ass tonight while I was making dinner. Best two bucks I ever spent. #badMom?"

9-4-2012

"Girl child already has been sent home with a few discipline slips so far this year. Today she was charged with "throwing pickles" and "inciting a food fight". How seriously do I take these things?!"

9-11-2012

"As the lady in the drive thru handed me my change, the boy shouted out from the backseat,"That girl is NOT beautiful at all!" From the mouths of babes...."

9-14-2012

"Halloween costume negotiations have officially begun. The boy is asking the impossible this year. I'm supposed to somehow create a Teenage Mutant Scissorhands Shark. FML."

9-15-2012

"I just heard a tiny three year old angry voice yell, "You SUCK Elliott!!!" from the next room. When I stop giggling, I will go in and squash this."

9-27-2012

"Boy child called me a dictator last night.
So I shot him.
In his back.
With a nerf gun."

10-4-2012

"Boy child's new favorite game is Simon Says. I could kill the jerks at school for teaching it to him. He thinks he gets to play it all the damn time. #whatnottonameyourkid"

10-8-2012

"I really need a time traveling cyborg to go back in time and kill the person who invented the kazoo before it saw the light of day. Is that too much to ask for?"

10-18-2012

"Going on a "practice" trick or treat tonight at the high school with the boy. I'm thinking of mixing up his costumes and pairing a Thor costume with a Batman mask so he can go as "That Man""

10-24-2012

"Boy child really has the Halloween spirit. Who else wanders their house in a gas mask and nothing else at seven a.m.?"

11-5-2012

"Last week, boy child discovered how to use his penis as a weapon. Bath time is forever changed. (much to girl child's dismay.)"

11-20-2012

"Don't you just hate it when you open the toilet lid to find an empty Capri Sun floating in a sea of yellow? Welcome to my life."

11-30-2012

"In the car today, Beastie Boys "Girls" comes on. Girl child says, "Mom! They're talking about us! They want US!!!"
Boy child guffaws and says, "He is NOT talking about you guys."
#thanksalot # fouryearoldjerk"

12-11-2012

"Me, exasperated," What am I going to do with you?!"
Boy child, "Uh... put me in a cage or something?"
Tempting...."

12-16-2012

"I suspect girl child is trying to out-oldlady me. Today she took an early nap, started her own stitching project, and listened to Edith Piaf songs on repeat. WTF."

12-17-2012

"I just threatened to chop my kids' heads off if they didn't quiet down and go to sleep. All I got was a sarcastic, " That's a new one.""

12-25-2012

"Assembling big wheels AND drum sets should be listed as a skill set on one's resume."

12-28-2012

"Boy child just rolled over dead asleep and said plain as anything, " You're real stupid mom." It takes super powers to be a jerk even when you sleep."

In the Wake of a Tragedy...

2012-12-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

What happened on Friday is about every parents worst nightmare realized. I'm not going to get on some soapbox or talk about gun control or anything. I do just want to open up about how this affected me. I'm not prone to too much emotional sway when it comes to dismal stuff on the news....but this got me. I heard about it and panicked. I heard more and it made me sick. I saw the pictures of the lives that were taken and I cried. It was like someone grabbed my guts, twisted them, and shoved them back into an empty cavern.

People want to blame someone...and I get that. I see people posting in the social media about gun control, mental health funding, equipping our schools with metal detectors. I don't think any of that could really prevent such a tragedy. This weekend I talked to my kids about what happened without being panicked. I told them simply, monsters exist. They are real. They are walking around out there only they don't look like we've been taught they do. They look just like you and me.

My son is a little young to grasp anything that happened. My daughter is also, but I tried to apply it to her world just so she understood the magnitude of something so horrendous. I don't want to scare my kids, but I do want to prepare them...at least a little. I told her if she ever heard something scary happening at her school or sounds out of the ordinary, she needs to look and be aware of three things:

1. A great hiding place. I told her if it's at all possible, get into a cupboard or a trashcan or someplace no one would suspect. I told her to hide until all the scary sounds were gone and she felt safe.

2. I told her to look for someone helping. Look for someone you know or is familiar who is helping people if a hiding place isn't possible.

3. Be aware of anyone littler than you looking for help or that seems lost or scared. Help them get somewhere safer.

She's a smart kid and I can tell my words hit home. I can't imagine ever losing my kids in a tragedy like the one on Friday. My heart breaks for those parents and families. There aren't always answers or resolutions for the horrible things that happen in this world. There is nothing we can say or do to bring those kids and teachers back or ease the grieving. This world we live in is equal parts horrifying and majestic.

Being a "Yes" Mom

2012-12-07T10:41:00.001-08:00

I have been trying out a new parenting tactic lately. I call it Permissive Parenting, or being a Yes Mom. Did you ever notice as a kid that your mom always said no to almost everything you wanted? At least it seemed like it. Well, my recent theory is that we get told no all the time in life. It sucks. My kids will have plenty of time to hear no, so I'm learning to say yes to pretty much all their requests (within reason) and it's been not only fun, but hilarious!

"Can I have a cookie before dinner?" Yes. "Can we paint today?" Yes. "Can I stay up and watch the end of this movie?" Yes. "Can I wear flip flops to school?" Yes! I am allowing all of this. I'm letting them choose things for themselves, yet I am explaining possible consequences of their actions. For example, "You can stay up and watch the movie, but you have to get up early and you will be awfully tired if you don't get enough rest." Sure enough....within ten to fifteen minutes the kid is heading to bed. Flip flops in November? Sure, but only if you wear socks. Now THAT is pretty fun to watch.

I've given out more treats, cleaned more messes, and had a more rough time in mornings than usual this week, sure, but I've also read more books at bedtime, wrestled and chased them more, played more board games, broken up less fights, and listened and laughed more than I normally get to. I'm loving this experiment so far and have no plans to discontinue it. Kids come up with great ideas and instead of thinking that perhaps your time will be too strained for their proposed activity, it's pretty easy to shuffle things around to accommodate it. I say try it, what do you have to lose?

Atheists

2012-11-28T11:13:00.005-08:00

I honestly didn't think I would have to revisit this topic so soon after that blog I did, but recent events deemed it so. I know a great many people disagree with me on my views and I have expressed to anyone who voices so that it's fine! The world would be so completely boring and mundane if we all had the same ideas and interests. In my last blog, and in life in general...I am very careful in how I word myself when it comes to religion. I will often proclaim Atheism and tell those who ask that I do not "believe" in God, a god, or gods. I teach my children that beliefs can be dangerous. It's far better to have ideas and interests than to trap your will inside a belief and to deny the ideas that lie outside of it.

My mother has torn a rift in our relationship by pushing her religious teachings off on my daughter without my permission. It's something I consider to be the biggest breach of trust. The act of her enrolling my daughter in vacation bible school without my knowledge was a personal attack on me. My mother has tried out just about every religion out there until about twelve years ago when she married and became "Born-again Christian". My father, only AFTER hearing about the incident, began needling me to enroll my children in classes at the Synagogue. (He is Jewish). Can you start to see why Atheism makes sense to me?

Im super tired of my own family even equating morality with religion. I'm tired of being called a satanist. I've decided to go ahead and appease everyone all at the same time. I have purchased these books for the holidays for my kids so that they are armed to the teeth next time this crap comes up.

First, I purchased, What Do You Believe? introduces readers to the many religions of the world and its equally numerous philosophies, from global religions such as Christianity, Judaism, Islam, and Buddhism, to lesser-known faiths, and from ancient philosophers such as Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato, to modern thinkers such as Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, Kant, and Sartre.

Next, Older Than the Stars, stunning illustrations and lively verse tell the story of the cosmic connections that tie human beings to the beginning of the universe. Simple, informative prose provides additional facts.

Last up for everyone, Raising Freethinkers: A Practical Guide for Parenting Beyond Belief -"Parenting Beyond Belief" offered freethinking parents everywhere a compassionate introduction to raising caring, ethical children without religious guidance. Now, for the more than 40 million people in the United States who identify themselves as nonreligious, "Raising Freethinkers" offers solutions to the unique challenges secular parents face and provides specific answers to common questions, as well as over 100 activities for both parents and their children. This book covers every important topic nonreligious parents need to know to help their children with their own moral and intellectual development, including advice on religious-extended-family issues, death and life, secular celebrations, wondering and questioning, and more.

I think this will cover all my bases now everyone can ....well....use your imagination.

Scissorhands

2012-10-26T07:10:00.002-07:00

Birthday week. I am especially nutso about them because I want my kids to feel like they are the specialest of all special things to me all the time, but most especially on their birthdays. When they are old, I want them to look back at their childhoods and think, "Wow! I only remember having the best birthdays and laughing all the time!" Real life isn't really like this, but it would be nice if I could create that illusion for them for a while.

I'm still recuperating from the energy spent throwing the boy's party and the week's celebrations and such. We had a costume party at the park. It was perfect! The weather was nice, food was great, friends and kids were plentiful and the games went over better than I could have predicted! He dressed like Edward Scissorhands and exploded with happy energy wherever he bounced. He's been talking about his party all week. I couldn't ask for more.

Tuesday was his actual birthday so I took his sister and he to the T-Rex Cafe. This place is all dinosaurs and aquariums and waterfalls. We had a blast there too! I gave him his "big" present while we were there, an Edward Scissorhands doll. He loves this movie and that character. People look at him (and I) a little funny when he carries the doll around. I know it looks unusual. I think he identifies with the character in the movie a lot though. He likes to talk about his predicament and how people misunderstand him. It's a lot like being a little kid. You don't always know the right way to act and everyone has different opinions on what you SHOULD be and do. It gets confusing and lonely. I'm glad he found something/someone he can associate with and be comforted by. He's growing up already!

Interference

2012-10-19T13:05:00.001-07:00

Two things I generally avoid talking about in any kind of mixed company: religion and politics. I'm REALLY done with looking at anything political lately as it only serves to stir up my already steaming temper, so let's talk the other.

People are supposed to kind of keep those beliefs to themselves I suppose. They don't. Here in 'Merica yer gonna burn in hell if yew don fine Jesus. I'm okay with that. Remarkably okay. I would much rather surround myself with scientific minds and rebellious geniuses in the most fiery furnaces imaginable than be surrounded by gullible, backwoods Neanderthals in lofty, climate-controlled bliss if that's what you would like to believe.

I don't think all religious folks are ignorant. There are plenty of completely amazing, competent and intelligent people from all religious sects. I just don't subscribe to them. I don't pretend to be a better person than them or know more about the world and why it is the way it is. I never push my theories and ideas or even opinions on others about this topic. Quite the opposite, I am often forced to tip-toe my way through life carrying the ideas that I do.

It angers me that I worry about offending others so much when most Christians/Catholics/God-fearing folk have no qualms about throwing their message in my face. They often go even further and call me names, try to convert me, blatantly refuse to be my friend or agree to just disagree. I can take all this. I do it a little frustrated, but I take it. I have been an atheist since I was seven years old when I came to the realization on my own that there was no god. I have known since that time that my line of thinking was unpopular and I should keep it to myself.

What REALLY enrages me, is when people target my children with their religious nonsense. I don't disguise how I feel about religion. I don't wave it in people's faces and try to spark controversy. It's how I do things and it doesn't affect others. WHY on Earth would people who KNOW my stance on this try to teach my children that their mother is wrong?! Why would they try to lure my kids in with their biblical stories and church songs and brain washing when they KNOW I am against it?! Why wage war on someone who so peacefully sees things in a different light? I just don't get it.

People who don't know me do it. Religion is everywhere. I would have preferred to educate my children on religion when they were a bit older and able to understand that "God" is an abstract concept, not some great being in the sky playing Santa. I have had to advance my training due to forces outside our home. The pledge of allegiance is offensive to our way of thinking. Girl Scouts' pledge is against our ideas. Instead of freaking out and going to the school board or the Girl Scouts' Board, I educate my kids. I talk to them about what's right and what's wrong. They know how to be helpful members in their community and to be kind to others. They are confused about one thing, how come so many people want them to believe in something that they have no interest in? Religious folks......leave them kids alone.

I want my children to think for themselves. If later in life, they decide to learn about religion when they are old enough to understand and not just believe what they are told, that will be their choice! For now, I want them educated scientifically and to grasp the world around them as it really is. I want them to challenge themselves and others and never stop asking questions. So go raise your own kids, spread your message at your church, stand outside with your cardboard signs advertising your idiocy, but stop projecting onto us. We are good without god.

Him Again

2012-10-16T10:54:00.001-07:00

Yes.....the boy. After my insane mom freakout on my very own blog, I felt the need to take a moment and give my readers an update. I know, you all feel a little betrayed right now because of my absence. I suck. That's all I can really say. I'm just awful at prioritizing things in my life and sometimes just have to take breaks from things. I think that thirty days of blogging is what did it.

Anyway, the creative juices are flowing again! I'm going to do a re-design soon and another "Best of..." from my kids' daily insanity is in the works. Other things I'm not going to get all share-y about as well. Let's get back to what I'm supposed to be doing here....updating.

The boy. He is a truly unique creature. He is the only person in the WORLD that can make me beam with pride and sigh with exasperation at the EXACT SAME TIME. My last post about him was just so sad for me and scary. I saw him turning this path and it freaked me out. Luckily, I seemed to have found help for him at the right time from the right people. Today, he is now a COMPLETELY different kid from the picture I last painted. Don't get me wrong.....he still has his moments.

He has been taking therapy classes four times a week and going to his Montessori school while I work. If you don't know what a Montessori school is, I suggest you check it out. I went to the same school when I was his age and the type of curriculum is just perfect for him. He started off as the most difficult child in his class and is now at the top. No medication, no psychiatry, no special diet. He is still learning some tricks on managing his feelings, but he can calm himself down now and it makes all the difference.

We are getting ready for his FOURTH birthday and I'm going all mental about it. Four is that age where you can finally reason with them. They start being their own people more and more and pushing away the tastes you impose upon them. Turns out, this little guy is quite shy, empathetic, funny, kind of a germ-o-phobe, and likes adding "butt" to every word imaginable. Pretty typical for four. I'm really proud of how far he has come in just a couple months! Happy birthday to my favorite guy in the universe.

So You Wanna Be a Fascist....

2012-08-31T11:26:00.002-07:00

Yeah.....this.

This morning my daughter nervously announced to me her desire to join the fascist community of Girl Scouts. I asked her why she wanted to do so attempting to hide my disdain. She explained to me that from what little they had presented her with at school, it was a club with her friends where she could learn to plant flowers, sew, go camping and have fun. I agreed reluctantly to let her give it a go.

I'm trying to understand....

I want to look at it positively though and I'm trying to shake off my negative outlook on things. I want her to have hobbies and friends she can do them with. I want her to understand the importance of community involvement and volunteer efforts. I teach her these things, we have planted flowers together and volunteered together. I think it's just better coming from multiple sources. I am not the only person to teach her and she definitely listens to other people better.

I do have a problem with an organization that has children pledging allegiances they are too young to understand and concepts that are never explained properly to them. I don't like that they are in uniforms that are not subject to alteration. I hate that they have children peddling cookies for their funding. I suppose I will just have to start sitting back a little and let her experience these things for herself. I will urge her on while whispering softly, "Pledge your life and honor only to what YOU choose and question everything!"

Scared

2012-07-09T21:27:00.000-07:00

So....I have a phobia. It's a genuine one and not just a distaste. I am claustrophobic. I get red and itchy on tight elevators and anxious about people invading my personal space. I've actually broken out in hives from being in too tight a space with too many people. It's real terrifying shit. Anyway....the point of me stating that, is that lately, that's what real life feels like. One tiny part of my world starts looking amazing and expanding into this never-ending realm of possibilities, and the other dark corners start closing in.

It's hard to write about real stuff sometimes on here. Mostly, I see the internet as this big playground. I just want to sit on the side and tell jokes and laugh at the stupid kids. On facebook, even my personal page, I really don't try to put too much heavy thought into anything. It's light, fun and not real to me. This blog has become pretty real to me. I like getting the crazyweirdstupidfunnyamazing stuff out of my head and transforming it into something other people can see or not see and go "huh" or not. Lately.....shit's been pretty real for me.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that my son may have a genuine disorder. When he's at his best, he is the cutest, funniest, most dynamic kid out there. He has a huge personality. When he's at his worst....well, lately it's been leaving me in tears. It's more than I can handle on my own. He is downright....destructive. It didn't really send off any big red flags until a couple weeks ago when he told me, "Mom, I don't really like myself." It was really disheartening and disturbing to hear from a three year old. Needless to say, it sent me into a real mental frenzy. My worst phobia has been realized.

This is the guy I know and love

I'm still in the beginning phases of getting him what he needs and learning what his sister and I need to do/know. I'm really not looking for any kind of sympathy or anything. I just needed to vent. Maybe this isn't the place, maybe you aren't the people....who really knows anymore? This is my baby. I'm scared for real and don't have any answers.

Injury Blues

2012-07-02T14:29:00.000-07:00

I've been in a funk lately. I miss roller derby terribly. I've had mixed reviews on the ankle and getting back to derby, but I just won't risk getting in my skates until I have insurance again. I have the kids to support and I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid. So...on the bench I sit. WAITING. It sucks super bad and it makes me cry real tears.

People keep asking me when am I coming back. I tell them, as soon as I am able! It's no lie. I COULD strap on skates right now, but if something happened again, well...it would be the end of everything. This has been the hardest part. Waiting and watching. Seeing everyone progress and having to start again from scratch. It's like in Candyland when you get sent all the way back to the beginning and you don't stand a chance at catching back up.

Only, I think I can. I can get insurance and I can catch back up. I will just have to work twice as hard as everyone else and push back the pain and fear when my ankle won't move the right way or my muscles give out. I'm going to feel inspired again. I'm going to be a part of things again. I've had to many people tell me to give up and that I can't do it now that I must. The surest way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't.

Day #Whatever - Why I Suck

2012-06-28T09:34:00.002-07:00

Gross, sweaty, busy.

So....it turns out this 30 Days of Blogging just isn't for me. I'm WAY too busy to even stop for 20 minutes to rattle off about whatever has me pissed off that day. I have two kids that seem to need stuff NON STOP, meals to cook, a house to keep clean, enough freelance work to keep me super busy, derby commitments, and a social life to tend to. Add to that an unexpected vacation for a few days, an unexplained back injury, and the usual time allotted for personal hygeine, and...well...blogging often takes a backseat for me.

I was kind of retarded for thinking I could do 30 days straight. It usually takes my a while to build up enough pent up anger to really get going on a rant, so I apologize for the lack of rantiness lately. I'll get back to it. This summer is heating up fast and that usually lends itself to a good low level of irritation. It was an interesting experiment! The most interesting thing I think I found through this, is that the Inflatable Penis story got the most attention. I may very well start throwing out some stories of my youth. There are some pretty...um....buried ones. Stay tuned for further (better) ranting! Over and out.

Day # 19 - Don't Argue Drunk

2012-06-19T21:16:00.000-07:00

This is an important lesson I never seem to learn. I love to argue. I love to get my blood boiling and get other people all up in arms by saying just the right thing to get under their skin and using crazy debate warfare, such as logic. I am more argumentative than ever while I am off skates. (Recent discovery) There are just times and places when being contrary works better than others. Drunk, while sometimes entertaining, is not always a good idea. It's unpredictable. People get angrier when you push those little hot buttons. In short, a bitch can get stabbed and shit!

No, I didn't get stabbed. Not even close. I did get in a ludicrous argument with a big drunk idiot. A drunk idiot I knew, some years prior, happened to see late night in Denver at an all night diner after PRIDE, wearing a strapless sundress and sitting in a corner marveling at his own awesomeness. I only remembered AFTER I had sauntered over to say hello why I had avoided him when he lived in the same city. By then it was too late and it was all, buckle up and get ready for a visit to Crazy Town.

The source of the argument? I can't even remember where it started, but for some reason, this fuckwad was insisting that his cats were more important than kids....not just my kids, but kids in general. Now, I am a HUGE freak about my kids like most good parents, so we get a little overprotective anyway when somebody starts talking smack. I have never been one of those people that thinks my kids are just AMAZING for all the tiny things they do, or sees them as future presidents or whatever. Shit, boy child will be lucky to get into trade school at the rate he's going, but really? Fucking cats? He was comparing his life of being a gay male and having a bad break-up with his boyfriend and taking care of his cats to me, going through a divorce and taking care of two kids. He seemed to think these are equal situations. I was more composed than I should have been. NEVER arguing that shit again. Ugh.