Starting over at 30

Children running with White Out!!!!

2011-04-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

Now my fellow bloggies I have four children and it is with these four children that I have discovered some hidden talents of my own. For example I yes just lil me has the ability to give, and take away super powers! Oh ya, and I have the extreme knowledge of how to get markers off walls, and duct tape off of clothes!

So when faced with a little boy who decided that White Out is not just to cover up a typo, oh no this little substance was invented for soooooo much more! You see you can use it to paint your hand, use it to write your name on chairs, or you can rub it on your clothes, carpet, heck while your at it put some of this concoction in your hair! So by now you have guessed, my sweet innocent little wee man got ahold of some white out and went uber crazy with it!

Now what you may not know is this lil white substance is freakin hard to get off! Oh ya you know the scene on Mommy Dearest and she is scouring her floor? Well take that and you will have me trying my hardest to clean this stuff up!

Laundry Mania!!!!!

2010-02-03T15:31:00.000-08:00

So first let me start by saying I am a huge supporter of washer's and dryer's, tide, and downy! Ya, ya, I am sooooooo trying to get a plug into them!!! Wink , wink, please send me free products!
Now if you are a parent you will understand the true plight of laundry. This is a selfless project that often goes with no recognition (unless they can't find their favorite jeans!). You see I am the busy mommy of four and due to the latest day spent in the laundry mat, I have come to the realization that the world of laundry is dark, lonely, and evil! One must sort, stain stick, separate, and then wash all dirty items, and if that doesn't get you excited you get to fold, iron, and put away all of these clothes too! Yippee!!!
I mean come on its not like I had anything better to do! It was sooooo what I as a teen aspired to do on my days off. You know I was like "Who wants to go to the spa? not me! I just want to do laundry, laundry and lots of it!" Who wouldn't??
And you know what I absolutely love, is that at the end of the fiasco in the laundry mat, I get to come home and load all the laundry up two flights of stairs!!!!! Now I know you are all jealous, and you really should be. I mean while y'all y'all have the ability to do laundry in your home, I have the sweet privilege to take the chore of laundry and turn it into a extreme sport!
I mean come on walk your clothes to your laundry room? Not me I have to lug my laundry down stairs, across ice, into a car that is soooooo not meant to be carting laundry baskets, and then as if that isn't challenging enough I like to up the anty with strangers looking at my unmentionables, and oh the joy of the pick up lines from the singles that frequent the joint like its a episode of the Love Connection!
Now I am not one to judge, but dude if you are watching me load 7 washers with small children's clothes, don't ask me on a date! Seriously! What in the free world could be seen as attractive????? Ewwwwww! I mean come on men, there are sweet single, non attached ladies out there. Don't think that just because you have had a dry spell that you need to go searching out the laundry mat for the single mommy's!
I mean really give yourselves some credit!
Not to mention, I don't know or speak for all the woman in the world but when I am in a tshirt, jeans, and uggs, with a ponytail, I am not really looking like all that so don't act like I am Mrs.America! Now is this a bit cynical? Ah yes, but what ever!
You see I am from the school of thought that if I am just honest, no matter what the topic its often appreciated. You see I have had it up to my booty with the whole touchy feely communication. I mean I don't want to be told how great I look, if the fact of the matter is that I may actually look like a meth addict! For example how many times do our loved ones tell us we are great, and then we come to discover this is not exactly the truth?
Oh no honey you look amazing with your jeans that are showing off your boxers! Or no no sweetheart I love how you show both your cleavage, and you belly ring, the other girls are just calling you a hoochy cause they are jealous!
So you see this is were my sometimes abrasive, but always sarcastic humor sooooo comes in handy. Like when my oldest daughter asked if she could please please wear a tiara to school. Now my instinct was that is social suicide! Now since I am the mommy and must well tip toe around the tulips I have to explain what I am thinking to my lil hershey kiss with love. So I just said to her " Well girli, here is the dealioso. If you have enough moxy to rock the tiara go for it. But just know there is no way I would or could do it! But heck if you feel good and think that you look good than you do it k?" Now thank the lord that I was blessed with the children I have. Because it was with this statement my 11 yr. old looked me in the eye's and said "Hey, I look good. I am going to rock this! ". And as it is often true to form she did, and is. She has a great tiara collection, and it is only on days she goes to the mountain that she doesn't sport her tiara.
So see take honesty with the understanding that it was given to you with great intentions, and don't assume that one is automatically trying to destroy you!
All in all the day was well full of crazy mommy do's but its just the way some days must be!

Today

2009-12-17T07:47:00.000-08:00

This is the deal I am exhausted today. I haven't slept well for the past three nights and quite frankly I think that my body may actually be boycotting sleep altogether do to stress! How? Why? Who knows! You know how during high school or college we all had that unbelievable amount of energy that could get us through finals, homework, and then partying with our friends? Well guess what? I think that ship has sailed for me and I am coming to the realization that I can't do it all nor can I do everything that I am trying so hard to achieve all by myself.
Yup, I am spent and I need reinforcements! So if you see Super Nanny, Dr. Phil, and what the heck lets get the fashion make over crew from TLC to come too. Cause guess what? I need someone who can cook, clean, bake, chauffeur, and adore my children. And then I need Dr. Phil to throw in a psyche evaluation for me (I am in desperate need of this due to the sweet issues with the amazing Frog Prince). And you know what I plain just need to get a make over! I mean who really wants to take fashion advice from their 11 year old? I mean come on she can sport the Uggs, shirt, hoodie, and sweats and for fun she throws in a tiara. If I walk out of the house wearing this lil get up I may actually get that psyche evaluation!
So today on the day that I am using my triple shot to just get me in the up right position I have decided I am going to try to not get overwhelmed with the countless gifts I have to start wrapping, the stocking stuffers that must be purchased, the dinner menu that the kids want for our first Christmas, and don't forget the just overwhelming need to sleep!
We shall l see how this day pans out, and I don't end up on the 6 o'clock news with the banner on the bottom of the screen saying "Mother boycotts Christmas prep this year and bombs Walmart" I think all should be good.

What to do what to do??????

2009-12-15T13:07:00.000-08:00

Ah fellow blog readers there is always one of those days for all of us that we really don't want to deal with. As many of you know I have a little sister and she is great! Now I am not saying that we always see or have seen eye to eye but we are there when we need each other.
Today started a little rocky for me and then it got really good and then it got stressful! I mean can you say stop to the roller coaster of life? Is there a OFF switch that somebody has neglected to tell me about?
You see my lil sister is dealing with some problems and of course these problems are often brought to her big sister. And today she had a doozy! She is dealing with a little bit of an issue with a past employer, and to say the least it has ballooned into a full on train wreck. Now often when I need advice or feel stressed I am able to go to my confidant and everything is all better. But today with the hectic day at my job I felt like I was just overwhelmed with everything and contacting anyone has been well a freaking mess! You know how you only want to talk to that person and they are unavailable?
It is often in times like these that I feel like the kid in the back of the class with my hand up and the teacher doesn't notice me! Talk about a rotten way to feel! So when work seemed to just not stop stressing me out, and I got a migraine I decided it was the perfect time to just go home. Call me a baby but I was just not wanting to deal with anything else today. So here I sit in my lil place and while my lil guy watches cartoons, I am blogging. (ya ya I know it is a Tues.)
Its just that on days like today I want to simply disappear to my lil place and rejuvenate and BREATHE. So while I sit with a cup of tea, and relax in my sweats I am hoping to just take this time for me and the lil guy and prepare for when I go and pick up the rest of the crew.
So take a break for yourself once in awhile, and remember you are in charge of you and relax when it all becomes to much.

Getting On with me.....

2009-12-14T20:31:00.000-08:00

Well it is finally happening, I have decided that there is a point in my life that I will and can take the time to take care of my needs. For years I have found that there is something in my life that has always kept me from taking care of me. Is it a martir complex? Is it the fear of just not taking care of the children's needs if I take care of me? Or that the Frog Prince made me feel guilty for doing absolutely anything for myself?
Who really knows? I mean really if I were to try and evaluate those parts of me that I don't get we would be here for a freaking long time!(No joke folks! Its like a Rubix cube in there!) So I took the time to just decide what it is that I want from and for my life. Now don't go thinking that I have the idea that I deserve or am entitled to everything and anything that I want but guess what? I just might be!
You see I have decided that the next time I give my heart to ANYONE I have to be loved, appreciated, taken care of and plain just enjoy the heck out of their company! I need to be able to come to them with my fears, needs, dreams, passions, and concerns and have them all met with an open heart.
I have in the past become so dedicated to the dreams and wants of the Frog Prince that as I stand today at 30 years old I am just a shadow of the girl that I once was. How is it that when we believe we are in love, we are so very quick to forget who and what we are? I mean think about it, you find out that the special someone in your life is a huge supporter of say PETA, and you are a huge meat eating carnivore! You like them, you want to make them like you, and often it is with these emotions that you are able to push who and what you are a little further towards what they want. Now I am of course using an extreme example but think about how many times you wore a shirt because your partner liked it , even though you really didn't? Or how when you were a die hard people person but chose to change that because your significant other can't stand crowds?
These are of course a variety of examples, and I by no means believe that you shouldn't give and take in a relationship. But when you become the giver, and you loose you, there needs to be a line that you just don't budge on. There should be a respect with the other person so that when you are truly passionate about something they understand, and support you. I am not saying that if you are into leaving the cap off the toothpaste and they are not that you should jump ship!(that would just be stupid) But I am saying if you are compassionate about a new direction that you want to take in your life that your partner and you are able to sit down and negotiate terms that are great for both of you.
So in my new life I have made changes. I have decided that I and no one else will dictate what and were I go. That I and only I will decide were my money that I make goes. And that if I am passionate about a career, or life path, it is up to me and my children on how we are going to achieve it. I am a mother first and foremost, they must and always will come before anyone else. This may sound a bit tough for most, but for the right person they will get it. They will get that my children are the only priority that I have and will have for quite awhile, and if they want to embrace me and the children they are more than welcome to come for the adventure of a lifetime, but if they can't they need to step away from the plate and move on.
I have been blessed with very good, dear, loving friends, and I have also been privileged to share me and my family with those that I have met. I want so much for who ever wants me, to take on the babies as his own, and so far I have seen great want, caring, and involvement with me and my children's needs. So now that I am getting to were I need to be for my lil family, I am now looking into the next adventure: My Passion For Cooking, Baking, and Entertaining
I have decided that I will blog on the trials and tribulations of the now single mom of four, who is going towards the one and only passion that she has ever known. To work in a job that I love, and to finally use all of loves of my life to make money!
Now don't worry I will still blog on starting over at 30, and even add the additional blog about the fun that I have with my lil ones! So no worries! Just join me on my newest adventures in this crazy life!

Happy Holidays!

2009-12-12T18:29:00.001-08:00

Well blog readers I have made it! Yes me and my sweet lil one's have made it to another holiday, and guess what we are looking into a new year!
You see as many of you know at the beginning of this journey I was afraid, full of worry and doubt, and now look at were we are! Yes folks I have done what I set out to do! I have established my lil ones and I into a new home, and yes girls I upgraded! You see I decided that this go around it was going to be all what I wanted and what my little ones needed. Never again will I be in a situation were I have to live somewhere that I don't want too, nor will I live in a home that I have no control over what goes in the home.
My fairytale had to start with me finally realizing that I am in charge of my happy ending and when I discovered that I had this control things began to really start working out. My children really have reaped the benefits of this discovery, you see when they saw me for the loving, strong, intelligent, and caring mommy that they had only seen a shadow of in the past they were able to really start to feel secure in their new life.
And seeing them this Christmas has given me a feeling like I have never had before. You see this year we are starting new traditions that I have wanted to do for years! We are getting our family picture taken! Yes sad but true in the twelve years that I had been with the Frog Prince we never had a family photo! So this year my lil family and I got our pictures taken! To top it off, we are getting a REAL Christmas tree not a fake one, and for the first time ever we are able to choose what we want on it! We added the Christmas stroll, looking at lights, oh and an unlimited supply of Hot Cocoa! Now among all of the new traditions, we are keeping the old ones as well. The Santa key, the baking, making lists to Santa, and watching The Christmas Story. But this year we are all feeling a lot less stress, and so so much more blessed in our lives.
It truly makes one humble when they see all that God can bring into your life when you are willing to take the plunge and trust him.

I love this life!!!!!!

2009-12-06T23:44:00.000-08:00

So my blog readers I must let you all in on a little bit of something. I get to do Christmas the way I want too! Now as you all are aware the Frog Prince was well Scrooge on this very sweet and much loved holiday. (Shocker! Not!) Yes folks he could take the sweet love and sounds of this wonderful holiday and destroy them.
Now as apart of my new life for me and the children, I have decided that we are going to do all that this holiday has to offer! From the fun activities offered here in town, to the silly little desires that we have for shopping out of town! Yes we are going to do what we want! We began this by buying the decorations that we wanted for our tree, and the lights that we wanted. Ya I know we are a regular gang of delinquents! From the bright colors that we picked, to the fact that we wanted pink lights on our tree we are rocking it!
You see we have so so very much to be thankful for and so much that we are looking forward too in our lives. We are excited for the beginning of new traditions, as well as the old traditions that we have for this holiday. Its like we are all celebrating Christmas for the first time! My children are excited at the idea that they will for the first time ever be able to enjoy this holiday season the way their friends have.
Now it is sad to me that due to the Frog Prince these darling lil ones have been pushed to the point of never experiencing even simple town events. But this year we are doing it! We kicked the season off with participating in the Christmas Stroll here in our lil town. We enjoyed cocoa,(coffee for my sanity) chili, cookies, candy canes, smores and more cookies! And guess what? They loved every minute of it! They enjoyed not having to worry about not being able to meet with friends on the stroll, they enjoyed that they were able to participate with the going on's of the stroll and felt great by getting to feel apart of a new area of this holiday.
I was happy just be able to go. I loved just being able to say yes when they asked, and I enjoyed not worrying about having to ask permission! Yes ladies, I was able to enjoy myself and not get any type of punishment!
So in this holiday season I feel like for the first time in years we are able to really enjoy our Christmas , and be apart of the regular family bonding events that we have missed out on.

doubt?????

2009-12-06T20:17:00.000-08:00

How many times have we as girls, teens, and women, been faced with the good, the bad, and the ugly in men. There are those that we are interested in, those that are interested in us, and then there are those that we want but don't think we can have, and those that we allow ourselves to settle for out of doubt of our self worth. How does this happen to us?
How is it that those confident, hopeful, and sweet girls begin to have doubt? As teens we go through the emotions, actions, as well as the commitments that often are the foundations for our future relationships. Is it with our first disappointment or broken heart that we begin to doubt ourselves?
When I reflect on the first crushes, kisses, and breakups of my teen years I realize a common thread in my life. I was always drawn to the bad boys, often hurt by them, and then driven into the arms of another bad boy that I was positive would change his habits for me. But this is were I realize at least for myself my love timeline was the true beginning of my doubt. By the first guy who broke my heart by me finding him cheating at a party with another girl, and then by the feeling that I needed to fill that empty spot in my heart with another bad guy. You see hind sight is twenty-twenty.
If I were to have the opportunity to talk to myself at age 13 I would sit that bubbly, energetic, confident, sweet girl who had dreams of her perfect happy ending down and say one single thing. "Vow to love, honor, cherish, and always always respect how you are before any boy or man" You see I believe that due to the childhood that I had experienced, I was so determined to have the wedding, babies, and life that I never had for myself, that I was willing to lose who I was in order to make it happen.
The result of this has been well plainly stated nothing that I ever dreamed. I ended up with a man who was insecure and unable to love, and a marriage that I was fully committed too with no reciprocated feelings.
So now as a mother of three little girls that I see so much of myself in, I am reminded of the need to make sure that their life's are nothing like the one I have lived. Now don't get me wrong, I am very aware of the blessings that I have received its just I want so much more for them. I want them to obtain all their dreams and have their happy endings that they dream of. Most of all I want them to never doubt themselves. I never want them to believe that they are not worth being treated a certain way by a man just because of what some boy or man does to them. I want them to always know that they have the strength to do anything, and the ability to survive even on their own!
This is why I must lead by example for them. I have to take my own advice so to speak, I have to know in my heart, and mind that I am worth it. I am worth being loved, and adored by the man I am with, and know that I truly deserve it! I need to be willing to jump when love is there and not fear the end just because it is unknown.

Forever and Ever Amen

2009-11-29T00:08:00.000-08:00

Now in this journey in my new life I have found that there are strengths I never knew I had, determination to strive for the best, and to really look at myself and what I need. I am not saying that this is a cake walk, but when you find that you can do things that for years you have been told you could never do it is the best feeling ever!
I love my children and all that they have shown me during this rough time, and above all they have shown unconditional love. They are resilient, honest, and sweet caring children, they have grown closer to each other, and our relationship as a family is stronger than ever. And it is from my children that I have started to take my needs and concerns and work with them.
As a mother you are often willing to go to the ends of the earth for your children, but when it comes to taking care of your needs they often go to the bottom of the list. This is insane! I mean really why can't one be a mommy and still take the time to recharge ? I want to be an amazing mother, provider, and support for my children but the only way I can do this is if I take time for me.

Great Milestones

2009-11-28T23:27:00.000-08:00

As a mother of four there are those certain ages that represent a new milestone in their lil life. Today was filled with these, from ear piercing for the lil girls, to the first trip to Victoria secrets, and of course I being the sensitive mommy was in tears for all of the above! I was like Alice in Wonderland when she flooded the room because she grew too tall!
I mean just picture the scene, sweet lil girl gets measured finds her perfect fit and goes to try in on. Asks mommy to look to see if it fits with the sales girls, mommy sees daughter and the flood gates open! I mean yall yall know sometimes once those gates open you just can't hold the tears back! There is definitely a special spot in my heart for my first baby and to see her become an amazing young lady just brought on the tears. Now don't get me wrong I can't wait for her to spread her wings and fly into this great big world, but doesn't it happen a little to fast?
So with the amazing children that I have been blessed with it is on days like this I am reminded that this time in my life is truly fleeting, the days quickly turn to months, and months into years. I guess my best bet is to embrace all they are and all they are going to become. You see sometimes we need to take a step back and enjoy all that we are involved with in the moment rather than trying to jump into the future. So with today's milestones I am reminded that there are going to be more to follow and I must cherish every minute!

Thanksgiving!!!!

2009-11-26T09:44:00.000-08:00

So here is the best day of the year were we as a society celebrate by killing birds, and gorging ourselves on sides and dessert! I mean how great can this holiday be?
First I love to cook so this is MY day! I love the preparation of food, and I love the family bonding that comes with it.Though this year is a whole new experience.
You see this year rather than having to live through a holiday of pure chaos and drinking, me and my lil family get to really have a great day! So instead of the main event being the huge brawl between the Frog Prince and who ever decided to talk to him in between the first or the tenth shot we were able to just simply enjoy each other.
Now I entered this holiday season with fear that the children would be upset and wanting well to see the Frog Prince. But alas this was not even an issue, what is that old saying "Out of Sight, Out of Mind"??? This is what I believe has happen at least with the youngest children, they haven't seen or spoke with them there for they don't bring him up. I kept with the normal family traditions and I must say it felt great after 12 years of having to host, cook, and clean up after the Thanksgiving event all without a dishwasher! I mean how I ever survived without a dishwasher is beyond me. So this year when the cooking was going on the ability to place the dirty dishes in the dishwasher and walk away was like heaven!!!!
So this was also a holiday that has come and brought with it amazing blessings. I have freedom for me and the children, an amazing place for us to live, and having a great relationship is just the icing on the cake! I mean really how many times in our day do we stop and just be thankful for what we have? For me it is not too often but I will say this, I am grateful for my new life with my children and this is a blessing I get to see everyday when I wake up. All in all the life I had before was negative , but now it is all I have ever wanted and it is getting better and better each day. To this I must say thank you to all of you who have helped and are still helping with this journey.

Children are never going to suprise me!

2009-11-22T16:09:00.000-08:00

Now I am a true believer in the fact that my babies are just what I love and need in my day to day life to survive. When there is stress they often just make me laugh, and when there is worry they just enjoy the now and not get concerned by the tomorrow.
They are just amazing and I must say I have learned more about myself and the person that I want to be just from being their mommy. They push me to not only survive but to excel to heights that I didn't even know I wanted or could reach. Now I am one of those mommy's that sets high standards for both my children morally, educationally, and especially spiritually. It is to their advantage to have all of these area's in their lives figured out when they are grown up, and it is my concern as well as responsibility to help guide them.
So when my oldest declared that she was a firm believer in reincarnation, I had to sit back and listen to her reasons as well as take the time to research the topic. And when she then declared that she may want to look into Buddhism I had to respect that as well and order some books on the subject. Now do I want to be Buddhist? No, but I am one to really look into this interest of hers and have an open mind. Plus, why shouldn't we all look into things that we are interested in as well as research those topics that puzzle us. I want my children to have and keep an open mind on all topics that are unknown to them, instead of just assuming things with out any knowledge. This is a great advantage that I have given my children, I don't claim to know all and nor do I state anything I believe is law.
So during the next month which is a HUGE Christian/Catholic month for their religion me and my girl will be looking into the topics of Reincarnation, and the basis for the Buddhist religion. I will of course keep you all posted and can't wait to learn what there is out there for me and my girl!

From fairytales to reality and back

2009-11-22T15:36:00.000-08:00

There are many many times as a child that we are asked simply to believe in the unknown. We are asked to trust that there is a man that fly's by reindeer power through the night and is so efficient that he is able to deliver presents to everyone around the world. Not to mention we are lead to believe that there is a fairy out there who has such a fetish for our teeth that she is willing to pay us for them! From Santa to the tooth fairy we as a culture are truly just in the need for something to believe in. And it is with this need I believe we are going to always search out the next great fairytale even as adults.
The belief we want for the unknown and the unexplained is something even at the age of 30 I find that I want as well. I want to find the happy ending that for sooooo long I have tried to create. Maybe that has been my mistake this whole time! Here I being a triple A personality believed that my happy ending was no where in sight, there for I needed to make it happen. Though alas I was still upset by the results. You see I discovered that if your happy ending is not happening with the one that you were promised it by you must make it on your own. Or search out that individual that wants the same ending as you.
I mean come one the signs were all there with the relationship with the Frog Prince. He was utterly self absorbed and in all reality he couldn't even answer the simplest of questions about me. No lie it would be like a episode of Jeopardy and the Frog Prince would be playing against complete strangers and still lose! I know this may sound sad but it is just the reality of his complete disconnection with our relationship. For example Alex would ask "What is Amber's Favorite Season?", or "On this day Amber loves nothing more than a sentimental gesture to show that you remember this day of importance" or my favorite " What is the perfect Birthday according to her?"
You see all of these would well be completely either forgotten or never even considered by the Frog Prince as important. And yet to me they mean sooooo soooo very much. This is were even as a adult I believe in the happy ending. Because in my fairytale the man that I adore will know these and more, in my happy ending he will always consider me and my feelings as important, and what is best I won't even have to worry that this is just not instinct for him because it will be.
Now I am not completely delusional and I know that even the man that I adore may or may not have all of the qualities I want, but he will be willing to try to be there for me. And if you try I am going to find that quality of caring enough to try a huge plus!

They gave you a law degree Really????

2009-11-21T11:42:00.000-08:00

As you all are aware I am dealing with a divorce. Now unknown to popular belief this is not an easy cut and dry procedure, especially if you are dealing with the Frog Prince and his lawyer who I shall now refer to as Granola Muncher.
So today I was oh so surprised to hear from my lawyer that the Granola Muncher and his silent partner the Frog Prince have been up to evil again.(SHOCKER) The problem is the two of them have about as much stealth as the Three Blind Mice, and even less coordination. So when I received the e-mail of evil I had to laugh. You see Granola Muncher truly believes that me the mommy of four should not only sign over the residence which I raised my children in for 12 years, but I should also sign over all of the other property in question. Ah the niceness and logic of this guy is truly his strong point! NOT! Come on! Has this guy never dealt with a divorce before? And if so was it in the court district that is located in between La La Land and Dip Shit?
I must say that out of all of the ridiculous proposals that the Super Team of Amazing have brought to the table this really out does it even for them on the lack of common sense! I just truly am in ah of the two of them and their master schemes that they make up. I must really wonder which one of them is the brains of this operation? And not only that but who is the one that comes up with these quaky ideas?
To say the least humor is the key to dealing with all things such as divorce, retarded lawyers, and equally inadequate exes! If I couldn't laugh at the hilarity of their schemes, I would be crying at the pure pity for their inability to function.
So the lesson today is Laugh! There are far to many things in this world that can be far worse than what I am dealing with and I shall just laugh at this situation.

Lifes Lessons

2009-11-19T21:59:00.000-08:00

There are always going to be those moments in ones life that you are going to remember. Now it can be one of those sweet memories were you remember your babies first steps, or the first time they say mommy. Then there are those memories were you remember your first kiss, or your first heartbreak. And among all of these there those memories that you learn from.
Now there are those times in my life that I have felt fear beyond belief, fear that paralyzes you. I have felt such fear when faced with the moment of losing a child. I have also felt this when given the diagnosis of having Cancer, with three little girls at home.
But there is a moment in my life that I have just recently been faced with and that is the memory of what for so long I have stated as my biggest mistake. This is were I must say I have found my self humbled. I have found myself in a moment with my darling lil Boo, and I found in the time that it took for her to ask a simple question I was brought to tears. Here is how the conversation went: "Mommy?" "Yes" "Did you ever love Daddy? "(first stab in my heart); "Well at one time yes" "Mommy?" "Yes" "Since you don't love Daddy anymore, does that mean you won't love me someday?"(the knife twisted so deep I felt like I couldn't breathe) "Oh baby no, I will always always love my babies" "But Mommy you loved Daddy and stopped it means you can stop" This is were I never thought I would be.
The idea that the divorce had sent such a fear into my lil babies heart, the fear that her mommy could stop loving her killed me. So very often when I am having one of those amazing days were my children are clean, fed, and happy truly happy and I am delusional enough to believe that I am doing everything so so very right I forget the true backlash that comes with the territory.
You see there are those moments that you remember from fear, but the fearful memories are those that can't compare to the ones you learn from. The ones you learn from cause pain, understanding, tears, humbleness, and knowledge.
This little conversation also struck fear in my heart. You see I am a mommy who is alone truly alone in a fear that when I try to rebuild a family for my little ones again, I have to with absolutely no doubt in my mind to commit to another relationship.
How does one do this? How is it that one is able to enter into a relationship and give that person all that they are? Can I give an un-scarred, unscared, pure love anymore? What if faced with the man of my dreams, a man that loves, supports, respects, and adores me and my children I am faced with the memories of the fear that my sweet lil girl has?
I never entered into my relationship with my ex with baggage. He had the total and complete clean slate if you will. I was young, and new to relationships really, and in all reality I was jaded to the fact of Love. I was still in the belief that I would rock down the aisle to November Rain, with that AMAZING wedding dress that the model wore in the video. And yet the fairytale ended in the middle, instead of the princess having trials and then being rescued by her prince, I was lead to believe I was rescued at the beginning and then the trials never ended.
So when looking at the relationship with the Frog Prince, I must say this: I was not perfect. I didn't always say the right things. I made Mistakes. I was not always strong when I needed to be. I didn't support all he wanted.
But to this I will say I may be humbled by the conversation with my lil baby, but I do know that I can't enter into a relationship that is meant to last FOREVER with the fear that it will not have the Happily Ever After. So once again the hopeless romantic of mommy ville, will love like she has never loved, live like she has never lived, and learn from all those memories!

Time For Me?????

2009-11-16T17:56:00.000-08:00

Well my blog readers let me just say if you haven't noticed it is a bit of a push for me to take any time out for me. You see with the four lil ones I often feel guilt, or just plain selfish for trying to take time to do things for myself. Now this is something that I must make a priority! It is me and me alone with the lil ones day in and day out and if I don't take time for me there is nobody else to step in and make me.
So today I had made an appointment for my nails mani/pedi and was way excited to do go to this appointment! Other than the fact that I haven't gotten my nails done since July, it was also just great to take the time to SIT! Now if you are a mother you will know what I mean, for me to be allowed to sit without a sweaty sleeping lil boy on me, or sitting without being at a desk with the phone going nuts is just plain NICE!
I enjoyed the fact that the gal that did the appointment was darling and way great at making me relax. Not to mention there are just those times that I crave girl talk! You know the In's and outs of the town, the who did this , and the I can't believe they did that! And today was great for that!
Not to mention the support to do it was AMAZING! I guess until I step back and take a look at what I need in my life and make time to take care of myself it will not get any better!
Now I am not saying that my life is bad, actually it is great and I have come so very far! So instead of just trying to run on an empty tank I need to take time to refuel and rejuvenate for my children. Because I think that they all can benefit from a mommy that is relaxed and calm rather than one that is at her wits end, and begging for bedtime!
You see as I have often said I am a good mother. But I am a mother that makes mistakes, and I am often a mother that really forgets or pushes aside my needs. In the past this has done nothing but hurt my health as well as take time away from my children. So if mommy decides that twice a month she is getting her nails done maybe just maybe the girls that I am raising will remember that they too are important when they are mommy's too.

holidays scarry!!!!!!

2009-11-16T17:19:00.000-08:00

So here we are in the eye of the storm with the holidays looming over us. I find myself in the bombardment of the commercialized craziness of the holidays. I mean it was Halloween and there in the Target store was advertising of Christmas!!!! Say What! Seriously what is up with the fact that it is October and we are staring down the gun barrel of Christmas.
I mean there is nothing more scary than Halloween with the frightening Christmas decorations looming over your head like vultures circling the dead carcasses! How did we let this happen? When did we allow our holidays to be spurred with the un-natural fear that we are to be attacked at any moment? I mean really we should just tell the advertisers to say what they really mean "Happy Holidays Don't Wait Too Long To Shop Or Your Gift Rep Will Be Ruined!" or what about "Happy Holidays Because You Waited Til the End Of November to Shop Your Children Will Now Have the Unpopular Transformer Under the Tree!" Talk about guilt ridden shopping!
I think there is a statistic that states Suicide goes up from Thanksgiving through the New Year, gee any ideas ??????
So here is my plan. First I am Santa with my rocking one job household income, and four lil children. So you guessed it they come first and I will be doing my best to make sure that mommy rocks this first Christmas minus the Frog Prince. Not to mention I really just want to keep those traditions that I worked so hard to create. Now am I realistic on the fact that there is going to be a bit of stress for me with the gift buying, but with budgeting as well as just plain busting my butt for extra hours I will do it.
And believe it or not I feel like this is a holiday season that will be most enjoyed by my children and I. You see we will be able to partake in all of the holiday traditions that in years past have not been allowed. So from the Christmas Stroll, to riding around and looking at lights, to ice skating, sledding, and getting a tree we will enjoy it all! And I must say it will be the time that we spend together that will make this the best holiday season.
So other than the need to get through hyperventilating every time one of my little darlings asks for another little something I will keep in mind that this year it will be a dry and sober holiday season, and a holiday season with out the nasty Evil Queen aka the Frog Prince's mother. For that fact alone I already feel the holiday spirit taking over!

Me and what i deserve

2009-11-15T14:23:00.000-08:00

So as you all know the divorce with the frog prince has been amazing!!!! And believe it or not through it all I really have tried to remain sane. Now though I am entering into a phase in my life that I want to make me happy and if I am gifted to have someone enter in and enjoy my life with me and add to it then great!
I have decided there are few things I love in my life. And here they are: my children, my friends, and me.
Selfish ???? Yes maybe. But after giving my all to the Frog Prince I am done investing me into those that are not appreciative of what I have to offer.
So in this the journey of finding and adding those experiences, and wants to what makes me happy I have decided to go for what I love. I want a job that feels like fun when I do it, a home were my children are loved and cared for, and friends that add to me and support me. As far as love this too shall find me. But as far as believing I am at all entitled to the Happy Ever After, not so much. I believe if I find a man that is supportive, loving, and adores me and my children the rest will fall into place.
Now I have been called oh reserved with my feelings even closed off, and this is true. I will not communicate my feelings very often due to the fact that I feel like I am not going to expose my softer side til I feel secure that I won't be left standing alone with all feelings exposed and the other person standing in another room. So love yes it may happen. But til then I will enjoy good company, fun times with friends, and above all I will enjoy my babies. Sappy? Yes. But what do you expect from a hopeless romantic with no biters?

Super Mommy!!!!

2009-11-12T11:30:00.000-08:00

So there are these four amazing little people that I have the Privilege to have in my life. And even though there are those moments were I am literally a few keystrokes from listing them on Craig's List, there are those times that make all that go away.
Now my three oldest are all in school, one in middle school, and the other two in elementary. Now as a parent when facing Parent Teacher conferences we are faced with the worry of what will be said about our sweet little curtain jerkers. You see either you walk into a room full of warm fuzzies, or the room of doom!
When faced with the triathlon of conferences last night, my odds were 2-1 that one of the monkeys was not doing well or that one of them was building bombs in the girls lavatory. So first came the first graders conference. Now you all know lil miss Aubry is a fly by the seat of her pants type of girl who has friends everywhere she goes, and loves sports. So when faced with the conference it was no surprise to find out that she is a Social Butterfly (aka won't stop talking!!!!). She is also an amazing lil artist, and is excelling in Phys. Ed. But all around she rocks and her teacher adores her for her imagination and kind heart.
Next up was the kindergartner. Rori is well Rori. Sweet, Shy, Sensitive, Smart. Her teacher agrees completely! Oh that's right she is rocking Kindergarten, and you wouldn't believe how many friends she has. So two out of the three were done and there were no major complaints! Now if you are a momma this is better than the high you get from sex! Its awesome you feel so good about everything and you just well dang it feel like you just might perhaps have this mommy gig down!
So then I was on the my oldest daughters with her in tow (student lead conference). The moment we enter the class room her teacher grabs me and starts gushing about my sweet ShelbyLee. Now as a mother you hope when the rest of your life is helter skelter that by some sliver of a chance you are keeping your children sheltered from the storm and to hear that my darling girl was doing well was awesome. From the fact that she has straight A+'s in all of her classes was proof that through it all she is resilient and doing fine. But then I find out that not only is she doing well academically, but socially she is adored by even upper classmen! Oh and did I mention from the teachers to the principal even the secretary couldn't say enough how sweet and smart she is!
It was while listening to all of the talk about my sweet girl, I had a moment. You know what Oprah refers to as a "Aha" moment. You could say it sunk in finally, that through this storm I have some how managed to keep my babies safe. I was not only starting from square one just as me but also for four others! And I have done it! I have secured a great place for us to live, wonderful teachers for them, and I have even managed to get a job and even keep close with my babies! You see it is one thing to start off on your own with just you, but to start anew with babies in tow is a bit more frightening.
Now I am not saying my life is soooooo easy, but I will say this. I am blessed. I am blessed with adoring children who help me constantly through the bumps, and I am blessed with great support from my lover. The rest will come I have no doubt. So when you think that you are facing a mountain that you don't think you can climb just take the first step, then the next, and the next, and soon you will reach the top!

Miss Amber

2009-11-12T11:18:00.000-08:00

OK so sorry for the long time no blog..... But as you all know i am a mother of 4 and going through a major divorce. Hence the lack of time to tell y'all y'all what i am up too!

The divorce is going SLOW!!!!!! Especially on the end of the property/assetts/debt. Oh ya Super Jerk which I have labeled the Frog Princes lawyer is in rare form and truly believes that I owe them! Ugh. Now if any of you have had to deal with a spineless punk who has a friend that is not the brains of the operation but rather the muscle that is what I am dealing with. Yup, the Frog Prince sits and stares all the while only reacting when spoken too. And there stands the pony tailed , crocks wearing, idiot that he has hired to represent his piss poor ass!

To tell you the truth it is like babysitting the village idiot and his BFF! My lawyer and I speak English they speak Jackass. My lawyer makes sense, his lawyer heckles and harasses me too tears. Ah the joy of the court system. It is mind boggling to me how we in the Criminal Justice system enable the lowest of the low to fight the innocent in court. But oh well. When on the stand I often just examine the two of them while answering his completely repetitive questions that always lead us no where but round and round the true issues.

So my readers here is my advice. When facing a divorce walk into that courtroom with a sense of humor! Though the issues are very serious, you will go crazy like a loon if you over think, and over react to all of the little games that are played. Just hold your head high, drink your triple shot and Game On!

I don't think we are in Logic anymore Totto!

2009-10-13T16:53:00.000-07:00

OK, so do you ever have those days were you go Seriously??????
Today was one of those days. You name it from landlords, phone company's, lawyers, mothers, hell even ex Frog Prince's have decided to bombard my butt with every single type of cannon as they can!
I hate those that think that they can ruin my life just because I have a bit of an off day, week, month! Today I felt like Anne Frank in the middle of a Nazi rally and Hitler (aka Frog Prince) had decided to attack! Now I am not saying that I am anywhere near the martyrof Anne Frank, but hell when I am trying to smack down the Frog Prince, and also having to coordinate my lawyer, his lawyer, and all four of my children, my boss, and my family its a bit overwhelming!
Today while talking to my lawyer about the Frog Prince, I was once again reminded of the fact that I made a HUGE mistake in marrying the Frog Prince!!!!! I mean seriously, what was I thinking the Frog Prince has always been a few sandwich's short of a picnic, hell if you want to go there which I have already done that he is like dealing with Forest Gump who lacks the ping pong talents!
So after the verbal fights on the phone, the sending e-mails to lawyers, fighting my mother, the children, the ozone etc. Its like jumbalia with out all the other ingredients that add the flavor to enhance the hot instead of the hot overwhelming the whole jumbalia.
Now with all that sucks in my day. I must remember the great additions to my life. My children, God, and my new life. If I can keep my priorities in check, and my prayers on track, things will work out. So even though I feel like I am hanging on a thread over the Grand Canyon, I have to remember that there will be something good that happens soon.
So pray folks, cause otherwise I will be needing a back hoe to dig some holes this week lol!

New Place

2009-10-08T09:04:00.000-07:00

Well folks I did it!!!!! Yup after living with the mommy and baby sister for three months I am out! I just signed a lease for a fabulous walk up apartment in the thriving town of Red Lodge, and as far as apartments go we are in the Ritz!
Its all I ever wanted and then some, and what makes it even better I have the kitchen of my dreams!!!!! All stainless appliances, and yes folks I finally have a dishwasher, garbage disposal, and oh ya my dream counter and cupboard space!!!!!
Though we are there with just beds and really no furniture to speak of its great!! This is the first place that I have ever lived in that I picked! Ya I know I am thirty and yet I am finally living in a place that I picked. Though the Frog Prince is trying as hard as he can to put a damper on my high it isn't working!!!! I feel like I am on the fast track to moving forward, and I am coming close to feeling content with what the future may hold for me. Though there are those issues such as work, and needing a new job or two to pay all I need I am still feeling good about what I am doing. For the first time I feel as if there may be a future that requires just me to make it work. I am in charge and this feels great!

Funniest Kid EVER!!!!!

2009-09-16T08:45:00.000-07:00

So as I promised I will try to always include a light hearted blog about the loves of my life my babies. Now often my lil Rori is a little less in your face and a bit more reserved when it comes to her siblings. Does this mean that she doesn't totally crack me up? Deffinately not! This little girl has many talents and among those are dance, singing, and a heart that is so very sensitive she often worries for others more than herself.
Now I had the privilage of being able to get off from work early yesterday. This was great because I was able to go get the lil girls from school! When I get there both of them yell mommy and come running. (the way you feel when they do this is just amazing!) So while in the car I asked them about there day and what they wanted to do for snack. We had our lil catch up in the car and it was wonderful.
When we got home I hooked them up with snack. While in the kitchen Rori starts singing a lil song to herself. Now I love how this girl will break out in song! It makes me smile right away, because she will belt it out like Mariah Carey and has no care in the world of who is around.
So while she was singing she stops, looks over to me and says "So mom the other mom's at school are old like grandma, did you have me at my age?" This is so funny to me because as of her sixth birthday she honestly believes that everyone is grown up at 6!
She thought she could drive at six and was mad at her auntie when she was told to hand over the keys and get out of the driver's seat. So after explaining to miss. roo that I was older than six when I had my lil ones. She looked very puzzled, took a few bites of her snack, and stops looks at me and says "You know mom, I think I will have my kids when I am 11 cause then I will be grown up".
Oh out of the mouths of babes! This lil girl is a doll and as I said before she is sensitive, but dang she is a sweet lil thing!And often her lil quirks make my day!

My little Boo

2009-09-10T11:38:00.001-07:00

As you all know I have four lil ones and I will be the first to say there are those days when I have to ask myself what are they thinking!
I call my two lil girls the minis cause they are little and mini. After doing homework with Roo. I started to talk to Boo. She is my fly by the seat of her pants child and really if there is any goal with raising her it is to keep her just as confident, outgoing, and determined as she is.
Now there are those incidences when I have to reign her in a bit, but even when sifting through the screws of a VCR because she decided she wanted to figure out how it worked I remind myself that she will be something great that deals with taking apart machines or creating new ones.
So last night when faced with a message from Boo's teacher that stated she had somehow used a screw driver to disassemble the outlet cover in the class during recess. I had to giggle at her explanation for why she did it. You see according to Handy Aubry, there was the top plug that wasn't working and so she just used her screw driver to figure out why this was. Yes you hear me correctly the girl was packing a screw driver!
Now after explaining to her that this was not safe for her to do, I also explained to her why it might be a good idea to leave her tools at home. But here was were I had to lift her back up again. Cause you see telling her to leave her tools at home, is like me getting told to leave my lip gloss at home. Can you imagine!!!!
So this is were I had to ask my tools savvy lil lady to go and make sure all the screws on our outlets were tight. And it was with this little gesture from me that I saw her spark light again. Because you see though I may not get her actions, she does and she believes that she is doing them with good intentions.
Now while she saw to the screws, I saw to calling her teacher. I am a mother that is willing to admit if my child is out of line, but I am also a mother that understands that with a girl like Aubry you must provide a challenging environment so her little mind doesn't wander. So after speaking and laughing with the teacher (yes I said laughing, apparently this doesn't happen every day!) we agreed that our girl was in need of some different stimulation in the classroom and it will begin today.
Once again instead of looking at the actions of my girl as a attack on society, I was instead able to embrace her little quirks and love her for her drive. Best mom ever? No, but I try to always understand, embrace, and listen when my lil ones need me too.

Lettin Go and Lettin God

2009-09-10T11:38:00.000-07:00

So there are those of you who know that I am well one who believes strongly in the power of prayer. There have been too many things that I have survived to not believe in God, but still with all of the proof that he was always present in my life I still doubted his existence at one or more times. Often like an angry little child who didn't get her way I would throw a fit and scream and yell and fight with him. Oh ya I went there. But before you judge you need to understand why.
You see I have been met with my fair share of battles. Abusive Ex, Cancer, Miscarriages, Family Deaths, Friends Deaths, Depression, Bad Health, Addiction, Divorce. Wow when I write it all out I look freaking cool NOT!
I swear can you say Life Time Movie in the making???? I mean seriously were the heck is Jennifer Garner to play me on my Saturday night movie??? The script would write it self, not to mention the drama characters such as the Frog Prince, the Wicked Queen, and I think I would be a mix of Cinderella, and Farrah Fosetts character in the Burning Bed, with a mix of Audrey Hepburn from My Fair lady.
To say the least there have been those moments in my life that really I had to wonder what the hell I had done in a past life to get the Karma that was coming at me like a swarm of bee's. I mean was I really that bad of a person that I deserved the treatment from the Frog Prince, and heck that isn't enough so lets pepper the violence with a touch of Cancer, a TBSP. of death, a cup of depression, and heck while we're at it a pinch of addiction, and frost the whole thing with Divorce?????? I mean seriously what in the world could I have done to even deserve part of this life that I was dealt????
And here in the lowest point that I could reach I decided to question God. I mean in my mind I was not evil, had not committed any mortal sin's, and was basically a nice person. I am not calling myself perfect in anyway but I sure as heck wasn't serving time because I freaked out on the Frog Prince and put arsenic in his coffee! So at this low low and I do mean low low part in my life I went to the men that I trust the most my Monks of Carmelite. I mean if there was anyone that I was going to believe it would be these men and only these men (ya I so have a complex with trusting men you found me out!). So on the lowest of days crying hysterically the whole trip over the mountain I went to my Monks. It was late, and the weather was fitting to me not really being in since with God it was raining and lightening (which for the record so needs to go in the movie! it sets the scene don't you think?). Anyway, I go to the Monks and being the amazing men that they are they offer me counsel. They at first listen while I hysterically recount all of the wrongs that I believe have been put on me, after that I then give my justification for why I was positive there could be no God in this world that would have let this happen to me, or my children, and heck while I was at it I included sister's, friends, family, I think I even included the homeless guy I found under my tree that previous winter. And through all of my tyraid my Monk (Brother Simon Mary) sat and held my hand, while Father Daniel Mary sat and listened, and nodded. Talk about control under pressure! I mean seriously I was spilling my theories, anger, and tears with snot, and these men acted as if I was reading them the Sports section!
So when finally with no more strength or ammo I stopped talking (this is a feat for me so give a girl a break). And this is when my Monk did the sweetest thing a man has ever done for me, he cried with me! Yup, while holding me he cried, and Father prayed. And with more love than any man has shown me , these men cried, prayed, and then talked me off my ledge. And with this night I credit them with saving me. You see I am not one to ever consider harming myself, but at the point I was at it had been just a thought in my mind. So that night with their kindness, loving manner, they showed me what I knew all along God was there through it all. He was in the room the first night the Frog Prince had hurt me, He was there in the hospital with me when I lost both my babies, He was there beside me when I was given the news that I had Stage 3 Cancer, He was there through the months of surgeries, depression, addiction, and he was even there in the court when I had to fight for my babies against the Frog Prince. He never left, he just sat there and cried, while holding my hand, and prayed, and gave me the strength to get through the trials that had been placed on my life.
But you see God was there when the movement of each new life inside me, he was there for the first laugh of my babies, the love in their eyes, and he was there to give me the strength to take out the Frog Prince. You see, we silly humans think that just because our emotions feel despair and fear that our creator couldn't possibly be there for these times. And yet there he is. It is because being a human and all I sometimes take for granted the graces in which he places on me that I wear my scapular, from my Monks. It is when I look at this I know he is there! I may feel terrible and lost and afraid but he is there! There are only a handful of people that I have ever given a scapular too, these are my babies, sister's, mom, and one very special person. You see this is a huge part of my faith and beliefs and it is not to be taken lightly. So those that have them know why and what I have given this gift to them for.