Starving Myself Pretty...

some tie dyes i've made :D

2012-05-20T16:38:00.003-07:00

soooo let me know what you think. obviously i've only been using my old clothes and a few plain shirts i found, i haven't started doing legit t-shirts to sell yet, but if anyone wants one just tell me your size and your favorite color :) they're $5, i'll ship them to you :)
i want to learn how to do designs in the center of the shirts, like hearts and stars and stuff like that. i want to do one with the NEDA symbol in the middle. i think some of you would like that as well. <3

2012-05-08T19:26:00.001-07:00

cody and i are going to open up a shop.
full of random tie dyed shit.
so far i have three shirts and two jackets.
cody is stealing the supplies so we're making a hundred percent profit!
we are going to be rich >:D
pics when i have more than 5 things to show you guys.

2012-05-03T06:33:00.002-07:00

except i forgot that tequila is bad bad bad for me, i should stick to vodka...
cody and i got in a huge fight over something that happened a while ago that sort of confused both of us
and i said a lot of things that i really didnt mean and should have never said
and i spent the last like 3 hours crying
and idk how to fix it, he says he's ok but he won't even look at me the same
:'( he's my whole world, i can't lose him
idk what to do :'(

2012-05-02T19:52:00.002-07:00

sooooooo
lol i switched birth control, gained 4 pounds, stopped taking it completely, and lost 7 pounds in like 4 days....
but eh i dont really care about the number anymore
im mostly concerned with breaking condoms and stuff like that
i cant have a baby right now, but i cant keep torturing myself with all these hormones.
he doesnt like condoms, they actually make him lose hardness, which is tmi, but oh well lol he'll have to get used to it.
anyways
im home for summer
i made 2 As, a B and a C this semester :) so i may get some of my scholarships back.
and home isnt so bad, mom is gone most of the time, and when she is home its a lot more pleasant.
and so far, i've been hanging out with a lot of friends so im not sitting around moping anymore.
i even had a friend drive all the way across town to see me before she leaves for boot camp :')

and now im chillin with my bf and our friend at this guy's house and we have jose cuervo.
and the only thing i have to worry about this summer really is work :)
<3

2012-04-23T11:16:00.000-07:00

its finals week, i gave a huge paper to write, and then im moving home for summer.......
that is all.
*cue anxiety*

2012-04-07T22:00:00.003-07:00

i think i gained weight.
my clothes were so big on me and now they're slowly getting tighter...
i think it's because cody finally followed through with his taking a break from doing hard drugs, he went two weeks just on weed and alcohol alone which is awesome for him, but that means instead of doing ecstasy and acid i was also drinking and smoking and henceforth munching out on pizza and chinese food instead of luna bars and chobani :(
i do not want to gain weight.

i changed birth controls finally; i'm on tri-sprintec now, a pill. hopefully this shit won't fuck with me like the shot did. i'm pretty sure the shot caused my mood swings to go even crazier than normal and that made my eating habits worse.
maybe now i can be calm and comfortable enough to get stuff done and not eat like shit anymore.

also, i won't be able to take classes this summer because i have no money, so i will be at home and hopefully be getting transferred to the store near my house.

speaking of getting shit done. i have not been doing that.
i have to do:

a paper
a quiz
read like 8 chapters in a week for a class
get an appt with a financial aid adviser
get an appt with my therapist because i missed the last 2
go to the doctor and thank her for antibiotics
get an appt with a guidance counselor about classes
read like 12 chapters in two weeks for another class
pack all the shit in my dorm (moving home in a month)
go to the store and find out how to get transferred
fill out fafsa
paint my nails
tie dye a hoodie

yeah :( i only have like a week to do like half of that stuff.
the other half i have only until like the 27th or something.

staying home for summer is gonna suck ass.
hopefully i can get my goddamn car running by then.

i'm not depressed anymore. i'm not really like happy i guess, but i've come a long way from my lowest point back in winter. i have a job, decent grades, a huge group of friends, the best boyfriend ever, a family that i love more than anything, and magic herbs to help me sleep at night and not kill everyone at work :)
purge free since december 29th <3

2012-03-06T07:45:00.002-08:00

im still alive you guys i promise!
still purge-free since before new years :)
im actually losing weight. like, lots of weight. without trying.
im 131, my lowest weight ever.
and i eat like a shit ton of food.

idk.

im doing alright i guess, just stressed out to the max and working a lot and still not getting enough sex so everything still kinda sucks and im not really moving forward at all yet, but after this wednesday i will be on spring break so i will be able to be alive again i hope.

everyone keeps telling me how skinny i look and im just like what i didnt even know i was losing weight until i weighed myself because i look exactly the same as i did when i weighed 150.
but anyways.
idk.
im all over the place. i have a huge paper to write and i have to be at work in 2 hours :(

2012-02-15T06:35:00.002-08:00

i used to think drugs made me not care about food to the point where i just wouldn't eat, but now it's slowly becoming this sort of thing where i'm so whacked out that i don't care if i'm fat.

cue the cycle:
gain weight>>freak out>> starve>> lose weight>>binge...

i was going to try to restrict and then i realized i have no fucking idea how to do that anymore :'(
i'm in recovery goddammit.

legit questions for females only?

2012-02-06T14:27:00.001-08:00

have you ever experienced depression from birth control (specifically depo provera aka ‘the shot’)? have you found a bc method besides just using condoms that doesn’t make you depressed?

i take depo and every single time the first month after the shot i go completely insane and when it starts to wear off after the three months i feel high as a kite and on top of the world. these extremes are driving me crazy and i refuse to put my mind through this again. i really need to know what other people have tried. i definitely need to switch birth controls but i refuse to let the shot wear off and then switch to something else and then that one make me depressed also. also, if it causes weight gain, it’s automatically out of the question.

2012-02-06T06:17:00.000-08:00

all i fucking wanted was some goddamn cuddles and i waited for an hour for you to finish your homework literally holding my eyelids open so i wouldnt fall asleep before you were done and then i fell asleep anyways because i was so tired and when i woke up you just weren't there because you stayed up all night with your friends and i woke up all fucking alone :'(

wtf is going on with me right now? everything is the end of the world and i can't fucking take it.
my life is perfect why the fuck am i so sad and angry all of a sudden?

2012-01-31T05:14:00.001-08:00

i took 5 hits of acid friday night, and learned a lot about the people around me and about myself. except, i feel like a different person, like personality-wise. all my thoughts are sort of empty. i still feel emotions when they are provoked by outside stimulus, but my insides feel sort of blank. it’s kind of peaceful to not have all the feelings inside that i used to though, because they were really irrational and they drove me insane.

i feel really separated from society now though, and i think i always felt this way but i tried so hard to conform to society’s ideals that i didn’t realize how absurd that actually is. fuck society. i’m not like most people, and i don’t want a life like most people do. i know there’s something more out there and i need to find it.

also, i think i perma-tripped. sometimes i think i see things out of the corner of my eye that aren’t there when i look at them face-on. this would drive a normal person insane, but i guess i know deep inside its just the drugs and there’s nothing i can do about it really lol

it kind of lets me see my own little world that i live in all the time instead of just when i’m tripping, which is kind of cool, and i know i can ignore it when i need to because i know it’s not real.

i think i have a lot to think about…

2012-01-26T09:50:00.000-08:00

so i woke up like, on the verge of tears, for no reason, and i really want to cry but i have to go to work and deal with people and their bullshit all day so i have to suck it up :(
idk why im sad all of a sudden
maybe its the birth control. ugh.
i would give anything to binge and purge right now but i'm at my bf's dorm and his roommate is awake.
and the worst part is not knowing if i'm glad he is awake or if i'm pissed the fuck off that he's awake :(

2012-01-17T09:24:00.001-08:00

i really want to be a human.
like, way back when people lived in caves and had tribes and shit, all they did was hunt for food and travel and walk around and chill out next to a lake and shit. if you were a woman, you cooked food and took care of the children.
basically, humans were on a basic survival mode type of lifestyle, almost relying entirely on instinct to stay alive, sort of like how animals live.
in my opinion, humans are no different than animals. sure, we have our own languages and stuff, but just because we can't understand animals doesn't mean they don't have feelings like we do and wants and needs like we do.
i wish i could go live like an animal. not literally, but like have a cute little house and be with the man of my life and have babies and take care of them. and cook and clean and shit.
like housewifey, except i'm cooler than that lol
and also, i do actually want a job so i don't have to sit home and do speed all day to keep myself entertained. and also i need a job because im not trying to be one of those like lazy soccer moms who depend solely on their husbands for money. not happening.

the basic point of all this is i want to live, and feed my body when it's hungry, and drink water when i'm thirsty, and run when i feel like running, and dance and sing when i feel like dancing and singing, and have wild passionate sex and then one day let myself get pregnant. i want more than anything to be the mother of cody's kids one day and live happily ever after with him, and i honestly sometimes think that i've fucked up my insides so much that i might not be able to have children. it's the saddest part about going through this because idk how much damage is done and idk if i can reverse it or not.

but if i can reverse it, if there's even the slightest possibility, the i'm damn sure i'm gonna try.
i haven't purged in 19 days, and i have only "binged" like maybe twice, but it wasn't a real binge it was like 4 slices of pizza for dinner type of thing. i feel really proud of myself and cody's proud of me too, and even if there's damage i've done to myself that i can't undo, every step i take to try and make myself better is still worth it because there could be other benefits besides just undoing damage. i have the power to make myself better than ever.
and if i have enough willpower to starve myself for days and to throw up meals and binges then i definitely have the willpower to be healthy :)

:) happy new year!

2012-01-02T10:39:00.000-08:00

ok, so a lot has happened in just a few short days, but i have a lot of pictures i want to show you all to help narrate the story.
last wednesday, i took one hit of acid at like 2pm, and locked myself in my room all day. i spent like 5 hours drawing this picture (i'm not finished yet)the whole time i'm getting tangled in the spirals and i can literally see my hands being wrapped up in these vine-like twisty things, and my brain was going 200mph the whole time. i stood up and went to my window at some point, and i opened the blinds and looked out. the sun was really bright at first but i saw the palm trees and the bridge near my dorm and everything looked so beautiful and it occurred to me that i worry about a lot of little details that do not really matter at all. all the little things that i obsess over are just minor details in the grand scheme of things and it's unnecessary because it doesnt help me progress as a person at all and it definitely isnt helping me find my place in the world and its not making me happy.

i realized that all i have ever really wanted in life was just to be happy. and in order for that to happen, i need to take better care of myself. do you guys remember right before jake died last spring when i was running and eating super healthy and i felt fucking amazing all the time because i was the healthiest i had been for the first time in five years, and i really do miss that because i looked better then too. i was always smiling and glowing and it's because i was eating better and i wasn't purging everyday. i miss being able to do that and feel that way and i know deep down inside that i need to get back to that because it's the only way my brain will be able to function well enough for me to figure out what i need to do with my life.
how am i supposed to figure out what i want if my brain can't even function properly because it's starving and deteriorating and decomposing inside my head?
i need to stop treating myself like dirt. i don't know why i deserve any better than this, but something deep down is telling me that there is so much more than this. so my new year's resolution is to start taking those baby steps again. i haven't purged in 4 days, i think that's a good start. i've eaten at least something everyday for those four days, so that's even better.

IT WON'T HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. i need to realize this. i need to forgive myself, and learn to stop obsessing over my mistakes and learn from them and let them go.

my friend cody is helping me tremendously. he loves me so much. he tries so hard to convince me that i deserve better than this, and even though i don't believe him, i hate seeing him get hurt over and over again because of this eating disorder. it has dissolved almost all of my personality and my life. i catch myself letting it speak for me and make excuses for me more and more and i just can't fucking take it anymore. cody is the only one who knows everything about this and i do love him and knowing that this monster inside of me is lashing out at him just isn't acceptable anymore.
i've told him about my hair falling out, my skin literally falling off of my body because it's so dry, my teeth hurting and being paper thin, my nails peeling off of my fingers because they're so thin and brittle and weak, my skin turning purple when it's 70 degrees outside because my body can't make heat anymore, this cold that i've had for over a month because i basically dont have an immune system anymore, how i haven't had a period in like a year because of my birth control and when im not on birth control i dont eat so i wont have a period and how its fucking up my lady organs. he told me that im the only girl he would ever consider to be the mother of his children one day. and i cried because i dont even know if my lady parts are working properly, and if they arent then i dont know if the damage i have done to myself is reversible or not. i feel really bad about that, and i want to do anything i can to fix as much as i can so i can be there for him like he is being for me.
(also, just fyi, sex while dehydrated SUCKS because my vag cant even create fluids so it just hurts sometimes and i miss it feeling amazing)

so yeah. i've tried to get healthy before and even though i didn't stick with it for too long, i feel like i already know how to do it so it should be no problem. i KNOW i can do this, and i need to do it. i don't necessarily want to 100% but i know that if i keep treating myself like this that i could fall over dead without warning at any moment because i can feel my body wanting to just give out. i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. i don't want to die because of a stupid childish disease. it's going to be a slow process. it's not going to happen overnight. it might not even happen this year but i'll do my best.

other than that, btw, cody and i are officially "dating" :) he kissed me at midnight on new year's and asked me to be his girlfriend officially instead of just "on the down low", and i said yes.
OH and also, pictures from new years eve rave :)

my friend DJ Jonny tearin it up!

one of my friends candyflipped and danced with glow sticks all night. she was fucking awesome!

the best people ever, my wolves :)

i painted this on cody's back with glow in the dark paint :)

cody and i :) we rolled face lol
it was the best night ever. and i actually have been pretty happy the last few days. this year has started out in the most perfect way, and i sort of feel like the planets are aligning or something because things are falling into place kind of and in order for me to fall into my place the right way i have to take care of myself so i can be there for the people around me. i just want to live for once instead of trying so hard to die. dying is lonely, and i have a really amazing group of friends that i feel like i'm just telling to fuck off. and that doesn't feel like me at all. so i'm going to find myself again and throw all this shit down the toilet for the last time.

happy new year everyone. <3

2011-12-22T08:07:00.000-08:00

i do hope everyone as a good christmas though, mine will be a well-needed break from work and purging i am hoping <3

2011-12-17T21:54:00.000-08:00

im just sad right now, i'll catch up with you guys's blogs soon, i promise, you know i always do <3

2011-12-13T18:49:00.001-08:00

cody got me a pretty bong for christmas :D

2011-12-11T19:28:00.000-08:00

what i ate today:

milk in my coffee, sliced soy "turkey", quinoa with broccoli and cheese, mixed nuts, cake, rice crispy treat, black beans, green beans, cereal, cranberries... 1500 calories

what i purged today:
ice cream, waffles, cereal, cake, milk, pbj sammich, bagels, grilled cheese, poptart

i need weed. now.

2011-12-10T10:39:00.000-08:00

it's winter break. all my friends went home but i stayed on campus so i can make it to work. my only priority until january 4th is work, which means i have time to work out now. also, i will be making a shit ton of money :)
i'm hoping to be like 137 by new years. 137 at the most. idk what i weigh now, last time i checked i was 143, so i have 6 pounds to lose.
with how little i've been eating, and how may days a week i walk to work, and how much i plan on lifting weights, i think i can do it.
i need to buy a scale for my dorm.

i miss you guys. i've been so busy with work and school and drugs :/ ugh lol

2011-12-08T10:48:00.000-08:00

i cried for an hour on acid. the depths of my soul were opened up to me and like poured over me and it was dark and cold and empty. i am a horrible person. i'm basically a drug dealer's booty call and i sell drugs and i'm the one responsible for it and i don't even care. i love my life and knowing that i love it makes me so sad because i don't want to be a bad person and i don't want to feel bad about myself, but when you realize you have nothing left to live for you latch on to the only thing available to give your life meaning, and for me that was drugs simply because they fuck me up and i honestly just want to fuck everything up and die. i honestly don't want to live.
but i'm too much of a pussy to kill myself.

like where the fuck did all this come from? it was so random, but so true :(

2011-12-04T09:30:00.000-08:00

so i went to a club with this guy and we made out a lot and danced and got drunk and had sex
and now cody is upset
i mean, i feel horrible about it because i love cody
but were not in a relationship, and he told me he wouldn't care if i had sex with other people
but then he said "well if i was drunk with a girl i couldn't sleep with her because she's not you"
and im just like
well fuck everything then, you should have told me that before i slept with another guy
:(
like, as if i didnt feel bad enough already...
and cody has been really depressed lately so like he stopped being all cute and sweet with me and stuff so i was just like wtf like i felt like he was ignoring me
and i tried to give him space, and i tried to smother him with love, and neither of those worked

so now i dont know what to do
except cry, and be sad

except big girls dont cry
so i binge and purge instead
why is that the fucking answer to fucking everything?!

2011-12-02T07:04:00.001-08:00

i am a fat piggy piggy oink oink oink!

2011-11-25T10:54:00.001-08:00

stay up all night for black friday shopping with mom at midnight, work from 6am-11am, nomvom during austin powers, sleep at 3pm.

this is becoming routine….

2011-11-24T06:01:00.001-08:00

:) 143
7 pound loss since starting my job :)
prolly all water weight from the bingeing i was doing, but still
happy thanksgiving!

2011-11-23T16:16:00.000-08:00

home for 2 days. threw up dinner. thanksgiving is tomorrow. i will weigh myself for the first time in months tomorrow
i got a bad feeling about this :'(