Bob channels James Mason and asks Miles for an apology, while Miles entertains Mr. Miagi, trying to put together a lawnmower.

Mowing Last

Bad AI Transcript

Oh, no, no. here tonight, building in for Bob. How is everyone? Gee, fantastic. Are you there? You disconnected me a twat. He apparently is having some trouble with his technology. Oh, I’m appearing twice again. That is an affront to civilization as we know it. you tonight, Miles? I’ve already introduced you. Oh, I see. Uh, yeah, no good. I don’t really like to come in like this, but that’s all right. Well, I’m not sure what you mean. Late, perhaps? Late? My God, you show up like six minutes late this motherfucker is all like you don’t know your fucking web dude! My God, damn, man, fuck. you Here in the Queens country, we are never late. Christ almighty. Somebody’s got a big chip on their shoulder tonight, don’t they? I hope you’re not like this on that poor guy that talks about corner gas. Jesus Christ. Fuck. He’s never late. He’s never late. It’s amazing. Oh, come on. Bullshit. Never. He’s never late. I was a little late. I had some choring to do. Choring? Is that slang for something? I’m not so…
convinced you know, there’s uh do you know who dana gould is? No, I think so. Yes. He’s a comedian. I think so. Yes. And he does. I don’t know how he does this. This is a good question. Maybe you have an idea because you are a shyster and you know how to rip people off. Yep. He does a show called, uh, the famous Dr. Z where he plays Dr. Zaius. He’s actually in Planet of the Apes makeup and the suit of Dr. Zaius. And he pretends… Okay. Hello? Yeah, he pretends that he is Dr. Zaius. Can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you. Can you hear me? No, it said I’ve been disconnected. I’m sorry. Continue. Yeah, okay. You’re back again? I guess. Okay, continue. So he plays Dr. Zaius and does a talk show as if he’s been around since Planet of the Apes movies have been out, and he does impersonation and everything, right? That was my idea. I wonder how he gets away with that. That was my idea. Was it?
Yeah. We recorded on the show here? Well, I didn’t say that, but i mean, yeah, it was my idea yeah i just i thought it one day. Okay. Yeah. Well, he does it. And so i’m thinking now i should do i should be i should do james mason and i’ll dress up like james mason and do a whole show like i’m james Mason. Uh, well, you’ve got less hair than you did. Well, he wore a wig, so will I. It’s all good. Wait, what? No. Yes, he wore a wig. Of course he wore a wig. All those people wore wigs. They did? They still do. No, come on. You name a person, and I’ll tell you if they wear a wig or not. Bert Convy. Of course you wore a fucking wig. Bert Convy? That’s the most stupidest thing.
John Wayne, for Christ’s sake. Rip Taylor. A wig. Yes, a wig. Okay. All right. I don’t know. John Connery. Wig. Wig. Rug. Yeah. Yeah. He wore a wig. He wore a wig. Whatever. Oh, jeez. I think that would be… So, I mean, if Dana Gould can get away with Dr. Z, I’m sure I could get away with… Who’s paying attention to David… Or not David Niven. Who’s paying attention to James Mason at this point? David Niven. Same difference. I was going to do David Niven, but I thought it was too highbrow. Yeah, David Niven’s not… I don’t know that I could do his voice, but James Mason, of course I can. Yeah, his is more stylized. That’s right. He talks like this, and he’s… It’s so good to be alive. Yes. So tell me, Miles, who do you blame for your lateness?
Is it an Apple thing? You blame your mother. Is it your mother’s fault? Or possibly a young lady? Lolita! I can have a co-host. Lolita could be my co-host. Lolita! There you go. I can tell you’re not even enjoying this idea in the least. No, it’s really gone on like 10 minutes longer, and I really wanted it to, to be honest. That’s because I started it before we started recording. I know, and it’s kind of a swing and a miss at this point. I’m like, okay. Hey, by the way, I’ve been instructed. I have notes here. I’ve been instructed to tell you, and my wife was not very enamored with your choice to let her die. in your because she’s she’s injured currently and she couldn’t get away from the zombies and or sharks. I just had a movie idea we built upon it and uh she’s not happy that that was, you know. You kind of took it to a dark place and uh i just said, okay, well, okay. What? How did i take it to a dark mine was uplifting where everyone lives when you change it around like
Maybe you could kill off my wife. I’m like, well, I guess. Yeah, I think that you can play the game. That wasn’t me. Thanks a lot. I watched that shitty shark movie that you were bitching about. Thanks a lot, jackass. I told you not to watch it. Because then my wife’s like, oh, let’s watch it. Bob watched it, so it must be highbrow class. Yeah. Oh, my God. What a horrible fucking movie. I told you. It’s horrible. I told you. Why would that Academy Award winning guy be in a thrash or whatever it’s called? Cash. Yeah. You know you’d fucking do it in a heartbeat. You’d be like, yeah. A million? Two million? Sure. I’ll do it. Yeah. Sure. I’ll show you my ass. Yeah. Why not? A million. I can live with myself. Yeah. What do you mean? You live with yourself now. Yeah, right. I’d do a Dirk Diggler if his money paid right. Yeah. I was going to say.
It’d be kind of… A little dangle. A little… Yeah, thanks a lot. Watch it. Maybe a little… Yeah. More like Billy Birdie, you know? Yeah. So, yeah. So, anyway, she told me to make mention of that. Sorry, Mrs. Lumet. Sorry. They all can’t be winners. Mason in person. I was going to try to do that the whole time, but I don’t think I can, so… Please, yeah, at this point, stop. Oh, Miles. I really, everyone is tuned out at this point, believe me. They tuned out before they started. Even CB is like putting a rope around his neck right now. He’s like, I can’t, I can’t. Listen to this for five more minutes. I’m a diehard, I can’t do this. Yeah, I mean, the guy’s listened since like 1972 when we started this. I can’t, I can’t. My life is over.
He’d be doing like auto erotic, erotic. Yeah. Goodness gracious. Yeah. So yeah. Anyway, I was just, Oh, got me. Oh, Crazy world, man. Crazy world. So the other morning I was driving early in the morning. And I think, what are the odds of this? I drive in early in the morning and there’s this truck in the ditch. But it’s not in the ditch like, you know, just nose first in the ditch. It’s like driven apparently at a high rate of speed to where the wheels are hanging in the ditch, all four wheels. Because it’s like somehow they’ve driven… in this ditch that was like different widths, I guess you’d say, or like narrower and it got wider where it was being held up on the sides of the fenders and stuff. And the wheels were just hanging down the ditch. Oh, it wasn’t me either. It wasn’t me. The hitcher. I don’t know. I was just like, I, it was at a corner. So I assume they were drunk and lost control and then just drove right into this ditch and kind of got,
Did you go to Decatur High School like I did, buddy? He goes, pardon, pardon. Oh, there we go. Oh, Christ. Why? Why, God? My pickup truck is stuck in the ditch. Oh, my God. Why, God? Why? Anyway, I just thought that was probably the most interesting thing I saw all week was like, wow, that’s weird. And then that night, I’m grilling my dinner. And this guy walks up and says he needs a tow. No, and there’s that truck. truck is on the back of a flatbed, and they pull into my, you know uh gated community turn around, apparently. And it’s the same truck. They come pick it up, and it’s like on a on a they pulled it up onto a flatbed. Holy shit, I’m in the movie Duel. Holy shit. I was like, what the heck i’m like, what the hell? What are they doing down here? I don’t know. That’s the most, that’s,
I’m sorry. That’s the most interesting thing that happened to me this week. You don’t want to hear about this. That or the fact that I’ve talked about going swimming. I go swimming. Now, every time I go swimming, all the old ladies ask how my wife is doing. Well, she’s in a coma and she may not pull out. No, they know she hurt her foot. Did you murder her? No. And so this week I had to go and I go, yeah, her foot’s still hurt. And my friend made up a movie where zombies come and kill her because she can’t get away. I just thought it’d be funny. She’s got one of those little knee scooter things. I just thought it’d be funny. The scooter is not good for rough terrain and she just gets bogged down. You’ve got to go downstairs with it. Yeah.
Much like RFK, I left her in the dust. See ya! See ya! Cheryl! Cheryl! Can you believe it? No, I do. Every second time or something, they’re all like, how’s your wife doing? I’m like, she’s fine. She’s fine. She’s fine. yeah oh yeah it’s all yeah i’m just like i don’t think that the i don’t think that, you know, that situation were reversed. Yeah. That this would be happening oh uh were you married? Yeah. No, there would be nothing to be like, thank god you got rid of that lump. Where’s that ugly woman with the glasses that comes with you all the time? That swims topless all the time. That swims topless, that’s right. No, it’s my husband, Sparky. With the areola sticking out. Yeah, I don’t think that… Is that a friend of Peter Ustinov that comes here every once in a while? Yeah.
I don’t think that these two things would be the same. I think there’d be a lot of, you know, oh, really? Oh, I never knew. Really? Here? They came here? To this place? I don’t think so. There’s a card. I remember. Honestly. They bring cards in with money, like, give this to your wife. Flowers, yeah. Flowers. I hope she’s okay. Here’s a cupcake. Don’t eat it, you fat fuck. Here’s a Bible. I hope she’s okay. No, that happens to me constantly. I’m like, yeah, she’s fine. When’s she going to come back? I don’t know. The doctor hasn’t said yet. Your wife hasn’t told them all to fuck off? That’s unusual. That may be a little worse than getting eaten by zombies. You old witch! Fuck off!
Hey, truth hurts alright truth hurts alright so what so what oh my goodness. So, yeah, so I’ve been enduring that, so that’s, you know your wife’s an angel, I’m sure. Yeah, she’s an angel the only thing harder than being a saint is living with a saint, you know, so. Who said that? I read that on a bathroom floor I’ve read that in a Playboy comic. I was, yeah. I was in Cracker Barrel. It was written on the shitter. I believe that. So, Miles, what’s going on with you tonight? Well, I was swimming with all these old women. Yeah. I, you know. I haven’t even hit 60 yet. I’m already like a complete cripple. I’ve become this crippled up. I hate to tell you, this has been like over a decade or more, to be honest with you. Yeah, I’m turning into fucking Gollum or something. I’m just hideous looking. Oh, no, it’s come full force. Yeah, I mean, does that really? Well, I mean, you were doing pretty good when I saw you on your birthday. Of course, that was the day before. Yeah, I was almost died. Yeah.
um it was a day before the mess. And, uh, I go, I’m getting, well, I know i’m getting old for a lot of reasons, but i’ve been obsessing over, like, mowing my yard. Like, I really need to mow this. I have to mow it what what is have you had have you hit your head lately? No, well, yeah, I have, actually, but, um. You have, I mean, you’re, like, two steps below me on the yard situation. That’s for certain. Well, no, okay, I never really raked my yard, so I thought, well, I’m just going to grind up these leaves, you know. Yeah, there you go. I don’t blow into the neighbor’s yard. Fuck them, you know. Exactly. So I go, okay, and I have, like, these two really old mowers, and I cannot get them going, and I’m just at the point of, like, fuck it. I’m just going to buy a cheap mower. I’m going out and buying a cheap mower. Fuck it. Why don’t you get one of those electric mowers with a cord? Oh, yeah.
I didn’t do it. I’m a man. I want to gas. I got to have gas. Those are cheap. I don’t have a cord, but you could… I see some lady every weekend doing hers, the cord, and it just looks so weird. I don’t know. It just seems weird. I associate big cords with women. Yeah, I see it. Yeah, Alexa, I’d record, all right? She’s been doing it for several years. Yeah. Nothing more feminine than dragging a big old cord around. Nothing more sexual, I think, than a woman with a big… Anyway. So I go around to the big box stores, and all these things are like, you know, you’re almost like $400. You should take this back, because you should get the cord. I’m telling you right now, you’ll be much better with the cord. It’s too late. Take it back.
No, listen, no, there’s more to it. I went to like three box stores and you know, you’re almost like into like a 400 commitment, you know well mowers aren’t what they used to be. And so i see a mower and at this point i’m so desperate. It seems to be the cheapest one. And it’s comes from a country that some people probably wouldn’t like. I won’t mention what it was but um okay so You have to kind of like… I didn’t know they made MOAs in the UK. Yeah, Morocco. I know people hate Morocco. Okay. And… I’ll scan this code and it’ll show you how to put it together. Because you’ve got to put it together. I’m like, okay. You have to put the handle on. That’s about it, isn’t it? No, wheels and handle, fuckers. Oh, well…
Yeah. And, uh, next thing I, must have had some weird dejected look the next thing i know, like some short little lady that works like, Hey, Hey, you want one of those? I got one on the skid right now. I’ll go get it for you. Really? I’m like, maybe this is a sign. I go, okay. Yeah. Okay. I go, this is pretty easy. I’ll have this together in like maybe five minutes tops. Yeah. Not you. Basically, you’re gonna have to screw in, like, four wheels, adjust it, put the handle, the two pieces of handle together, and, you know. Put your safety uh you know, stop the mower safety device on there, yeah. Oh, that was already on there. Oh, okay. So I go, okay, well, all right. I guess, you know i’m like i’m gonna need some help now loading this up. You know, I’m not the young boy i used to be. Okay.
talking to this old little tiny lady. Yeah. Don’t you worry about it honey we’re gonna get y’all fed up. Don’t you worry. Don’t you worry 200 pounds right over my head. Can you believe it? You pulled up into the, go in the pull-up yard there and we’ll get it all set where y’all said, you know, Jeff row out there he’s gonna do it. All right. All right. all right I’m not even pulled up. The guy literally stops me right in the middle of the parking lot. Stop, stop, stop. Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s going on? He goes, just do right here. Just do right here. Okay. Pop, pop the latch. Let’s go. Let’s go. All right, all right. Jesus Christ. Yeah, all right. What happened to the nice redneck woman? I want her. Right here in the middle of the thoroughfare. I mean, literally two seconds he’s got this thing in my car. I’m like,
Jesus, Hulk. You must be an old pussy or something. I know. I’m an old puss, though. I couldn’t lift up. Oh, my God. She wasn’t electric. She had the cord. I know. All right. You know what? Stick the electric up your ass, okay? With your head washed. Yeah. I got the gas. I’m a man. Okay, man. That’s why you have two mowers that don’t work because you’re such a man. I didn’t learn anything about maintenance. I don’t know how to fix it. I’m like, fuck it. Just watch a YouTube video. You can do it. They wouldn’t start. I’m like, fuck them. I’m not keeping them. Did you see what my garage looks like? I sent you a picture of it, right? Yes, it’s full of shit. It’s full of dreams and lost hopes.
add two broken lawnmowers. Like, fuck it. I put it out for the junkers. They can enjoy themselves and play with these lawnmowers. Stick them up their ass. I don’t care perfectly good lawnmower this man’s throwing away. Hey, are you sure you won’t give this away? He must not. This guy doesn’t got a penis if he’s throwing out this lawnmower. I’m telling you. You know, my neighborhood. Do you want some meth with this like no no no you too as though i trade you a small rock. Yeah, thank you. So I opened the hatch. I get it out to the driveway. You can’t get it out of the car, can you? I dropped it out of the hatch. I just let it fall. Oh, God. It’s packed in. It won’t get hurt. Fuck it. It made it all the way here from Morocco, for Christ’s sake. It’s going to be fine. It’ll be all right. So I have to go in, get a knife. I’ve got to cut this thing apart. I’ve got to get the box open. And about this time, the sun has come out full force.
full force. Yeah, too much sun i’m like already like, you know, like a foreign church wedding i’m like jesus is like i’m getting it out. I’m in directions, you know. You put a hat on or anything yeah no i wish i would have i would i would have done it naked. I was getting so hot i’m like freaking hot. I’m so hot. You don’t believe it. That lady over there is putting a lawnmower together naked. Look at that sydney Sweeney. Look at them tits and uh you know i’m doing it and like oh this isn’t so bad you know then halfway through, I realized I put on a couple things backwards, and i go, uh, damn it. And right about this time, I feel, like, eyes upon me, and i look, and it’s mr mr miyagi my neighbor yeah
And this is not racist. This is not racist, okay? This is just the way it is. This is just the way he talks. He talks like that. Oh, my gosh. And he’s watching me, not saying a word, just watching me with, like, this crazy smile. He’s like, this is the shit show. This is better than the… He stopped pruning his garden and reading his Bible. He took a break from it just to watch me. His wife said something. I don’t know what they said because I don’t know their language. I’m like, shit, I don’t know what they’re… I go, man, I hope there wasn’t anything funny. How about that Polish boy? Please help me. Fat, sweaty Polish boy over there. That mower from Morocco, help him out, please. I go, man, it’s hot. Hot, huh?
he’s just, like, smiling. I don’t know. Like, man, all right, all right, man. You know, Jack Torrance, quit smiling at me and uh i get the thing going, finally. And then he, like, turns away. Then he’s lost interest. Like, okay. Right, yeah. You actually, did you actually get it to start? Yeah, I started right away once i got everything undone. Yeah, I’m like. Oh, fuck. I remember to put the oil in and all that. I did buy oil. Yes. The redneck lady. You don’t need some SW 40 or 30 or 30 weight. 30. I don’t know. Okay. Just checking. No, she had redneck lady would not let me leave without oil. You don’t need some oil. Yeah. Let’s just pay her to mow your lawn. I mean, I wish, you know, one of those fast, you know, moving the hardware store people like, yeah.
I’m like the opposite of those people. I’m the exact opposite. I’m like Snuffleupagus, you know. That’s why I would never work there because I’m like Snuffleupagus walking around the aisles. Oddly enough, you’re that way at all your jobs. Pretty much, yeah. Like imaginary, the imaginary worker. Yes, I’ve been let go of a factory once because I’m sure I was way too slow. I’m sure. So, yeah, I got it to go. I mulched up the leaves because I’m not picking them up. I’m like, fuck it. I’m just not picking up leaves. You know? Yeah. What’s the name of this mower? What’s the brand name of this mower? Do you have an idea? Crescent Moon? It’s called Crescent Moon, I think, or something. It’s called Turkish Delight. Turkish Delight.
No, actually, this was not made in Morocco. It was made in the Nam, actually. Oh, the Nam, really? Okay. I didn’t know they made it. I didn’t either. I’m like, well, I go, you know what? Let’s let bygones be bygones, okay? I know some people ain’t going to be down with this, but I’m just going to let bygones be bygones. I can mail in for a free Agent Orange canister. Right, yeah. Please donate to children with one limb. Okay. But, uh, yeah, so i got the job done. I was very happy about it how long how long did that all take you there? How long? You know, someone in a factory, for what i did, probably less than five minutes would have had that complete job done me i don’t even know. It probably was close to an hour. I don’t even know. Wow. I don’t even know. I don’t even know how long the mower together was an hour? I don’t know. I was so hot sweaty i mean i
drank like two giant things of iced tea when I came in. I’m like, honey, I need a drink. You know, you shouldn’t be doing that. I mean, you got health problems. I know I have health problems. I know. You should have took a break in between. I know. You’re going to be like a… freaking earthworm out in the sun after the rain. I got Miyagi watching me. Yeah, he’s not watching while you’re not doing something entertaining like trying to put something together. I mean, this guy’s probably about 20 years older than me and has had a stroke and is probably in better health than I am. Yeah, he’s much better physically than I am. Getting ready to do a marathon or something. I mean, if we were to wrestle right now, I would have no doubt that he would whip my ass. Yeah. Yeah. I would have no doubt about that. Yeah. Nice. Yeah. I don’t just him watching me. It was like judging me. I knew he was judging me. You know, he’s like, I know you’re getting rid of these other two mowers or no, I would have put them up by the road. I’m like, fuck. Oh, okay. Goodbye. Motherfuckers. Boom. Yeah. Right. Once in a while.
So, yeah. So, thank you, Redneck Lady. I’m sorry. Well, come on. Your neighbor speaks limited English. He’s looking at your project that you’re working on. He has no comment whatsoever. He’s just looking at you, this crazed look. Well, he probably didn’t think you could do it, or he was waiting for you to chop off some limbs. Well, yeah. Did you have to put the flap on the back where you can’t stick your foot in the back of the mower or anything? No, I was already on there. Oh, okay. It was all assembled. Like literally you had to screw on four wheels, uh, put in like these little fake, like, uh, hubcaps on the thing. I don’t know why you have, uh, literally, uh, you know, put together the handle, put the handle on the machine and then put the two pieces of the handle together.
Put a little thing, a little eye thing for the cord, you know. Right, yeah. I mean, really. I mean, it’s got maybe six steps tops to it. And it took you an hour? I don’t even know. I lost track of time. I didn’t even know. That was delirious. Like the Bataan Death March or something. I looked up and the sun was beating down. I’m like, you’re not going to get me, son. And I said, I’ll build you a bridge, Mr. Miyagi. I’ll build you a bridge. all right come on now oh my goodness but you got it done okay i got it done i manned up but i did it nobody’s gonna get any of these references at all. I know, Miles wax off a lot so what what are you gonna do different with this mower uh well it’s in the garage right now and uh you know you made room for it. Yes, well, I got one of those crappy ones out in my yard i’m like fuck it i’ll sleep okay okay you just
You made room by taking the old one out and it slotted right in. I’m afraid of the city at this point because, like, they’ve come down on me twice now about my yard. Oh, there is the underlying rub. You’ve been fined. No, I was not fined. I was, okay, once. I don’t want to go. It’s a weird thing. Twice. I’ve got, no, three times. I’ve got maybe three separate letters from the city. That they’re not digging my whole MO, you know. Right, yeah. You’re going to have to cut that sooner or later, son, or we’re going to cut it for you. I know. I thought with all them leaves, someone’s going to have a shit fit. You need to be like me and move outside of the city so you don’t have any of that. Yeah, yeah. Although I do mow my grass with some regularity, so…
uh i bet you do well i don’t think we’d ever have any you know i don’t think i’d ever get a letter Sorry. Oh, my goodness. Well, you know what? I’m going to say I’m proud of you. Really? Yeah, because normally you would just blame it on the other mowers and not do anything. And so at least this time you went and done something. Thank you. Yes, I did it. This is definitely not the norm for you. I bought the best Vietnamese mower that you can. And I, you know what? It’s called the Tiger King. I’m going to let bygones be bygones, you know, and whatever, man. Are you going to go mow Mr. Miyagi’s yard for him now you got a new mower? That guy mows like every three days, man. What the fuck? Well, you got to get him on the off day. Yeah, he kicks my ass. Well, I’m proud of you, son.
Good job. You got the wheels on. It only took you six, 10 times longer than the average person, but I’m sure a guy like you would have had that together in 10 minutes or less, but you know, given your, you know, cognitive skills and lack of coordination, this is a win. Yeah.

——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-

This Week

Durante shares insights into her unique transition from law enforcement to stand-up comedy, noting how her experiences on the force provided a foundation for her observational humor. She also discusses the logistical realities of her time in narcotics, reflecting on the team-based nature of the work and the socioeconomic challenges of the Bronx.

Beyond her career path, the dialogue veers into a freewheeling discussion covering topics ranging from the urban planning legacy of Robert Moses to contemporary politics and the history of comedy. Durante expresses skepticism toward public figures like Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and shares anecdotes about navigating the competitive New York comedy scene, including her development of a potential sitcom project inspired by her life experiences.

Bad AI Transcript

LeMent Tonight. How’s everybody doing? I can’t believe we’re already in April. Can you? Anybody? We’re almost in the end of April. It’s almost May. I can’t believe it, but we’re so glad to have tonight’s guest. Michelle Durante. How are you doing? I’m actually very good. I’m good. Very good. Very good. Yeah. That’s fantastic. Yeah, we were having a little chat talking about some tips to rip off Instacart. Yeah. I think that’s what I’m going to call this one. Tips to get massive downloads because of it, right? Yeah, how to rip off Instacart. 101 ways to rip off Instacart. Without screwing the driver. Yeah, exactly. Without screwing Instacart, but not the little people. Yeah, yeah. So now, do you know who Jimmy Durante is? Yep. Oh, okay, because I’m sure you get that a lot, right? I used to get it a lot more. Well, yeah, he’s old and dead now. Yeah, yeah, they’re dying out. You know what I’m saying? Now the only thing I can say is he played Frosty on the cartoon. That’s right, yeah.
Yeah. Any kind of achacha. That was my achacha. That was the Jimmy Durante thing. Yeah, yeah. Oh, that’s frosty. You couldn’t believe it. Yeah. Yeah, that’s like the saddest Christmas cartoon. Yeah. I mean, it still plays, so… I know. People know him, but they don’t know him. One of those kind of things, right? Yep. Yeah. So… Let me give you a little introduction here. I know we just ran right into it, but Michelle Durante is a professional comedian, former New York Police Department detective. I better watch myself here. Who transitioned from a career in law enforcement to the stage. After graduating from the School of Visual Arts in New York City and serving as a detective in the South Bronx, she pursued her interest in stand-up comedy by attending Stand-Up University on Long Island. Wow.
Her comedy is noted for its edgy observational style, which draws heavily upon her unique perspectives that she gained while on the force. Yep, on the job. Now, come on. So, I mean, were you out on the street every day busting people? What was it like being a detective in New York? I worked in narcotics, so we were out every… Single day, except when we all had court. We’d have a court day. Yeah. Because the days would line up that we’d all, we’d have to go to court. So we’d all have, we’d all have a court day. You know what I mean? But yeah, we were out there. Yeah. Oh yeah. Was it tough? I mean, that sounds horrible, honestly. It wasn’t, you know, it wasn’t horrible. I mean, you know, I worked with very good people and I, and we had a lot of fun. You know, the people that we locked up,
For the most part, you know, they were like the hand-to-hand. You know, they were never the kilo king or queens, you know? Yeah. You know, and I remember we locked up this one guy. I locked up this one guy, two white guys, and they had a Honda, a small Honda. And I remember they came out of a building. You know, they didn’t make a, they blew a red light or whatever. And we stopped them. We had the uniformed guys stop them. And so, you know, we’re talking to these guys. They were from Accord, New York. And it turned out the guy had 200 bundles of heroin on him. Oh, my Lord. I remember bringing him in the back. And I said, bro, listen, this is a class A felony. This is like a murder. So I don’t know if you want to help yourself out. He goes, no, I’ll just take the hit. I go, okay, no problem, bro. I respect you for that. You know? So, I mean, there was things like that, that, you know, I mean, yeah.
you know, you’re not like you weren’t there to, to, uh, you know, ruin their lives, so to speak. They were already out there doing it to them. Right. Yeah. They kind of already started that process. Right. Yeah. And you know, the guy, and we never really, you know, like the guys that would like take, they had one Sergeant that was big on taking like the guys for possession, you know, and you don’t want to go with a heroin addict through withdrawal through central booking. Cause I’m going to be with this guy for the next eight hours. Right. You know? So, like, we used to let him sniff his dope, and then he’d hand the bag, and then we’d lock him up, you know, for possession that way, this way. You know? Because it’s like, he’s got to get his stuff, man. Wow. You know, that is very refreshing to hear. You know, you always see these things where it’s so harsh and everything, and here you are, you know,
Trying to be as humane as possible, given the circumstance. Yep, and I worked in Bronx Narcotics from, I think, 1996 to, like, 2007. You know, I mean, I worked there, and honestly, that’s what happened. You know, that’s what used to happen. Nobody, you know, there’d be, like, incidents that, you know, like maybe… you know, somebody got shot or, you know, whatever. A perp got hurt or something like that. But it was never anything, you know, like, we were never on the news. Let’s put it that way. Oh, gotcha. It was all kind of just happened in day-to-day kind of stuff. Right. And plus it was the Bronx, and the Bronx is the most underserved community, you know, as far as housing. Like, it’ll never be gentrified.
I’m very surprised it ever gets gentrified and nor should it be because they should be affordable housing and it shouldn’t be just garbage housing. Right. You know, and unfortunately the Bronx was one of those neighborhoods that was like basically disassociated and disregarded because Robert Moses built the cross Bronx expressway right through it and just tore up neighborhoods. Right. Yeah. There’s a fascinating doc. It’s weird. segue but fascinating documentary on, on how the boroughs yeah got divided by all the roadways and the subway and so forth. Yeah. There’s a book i i forget the name of it about robert moses it’s like it’s like this i have it over on my bookshelf over here. I have to get the name of it, but, um, yeah, he did a lot of that. Like, that’s why there was no, you know, like the parkways were just made. because if you know people from the city, they don’t have cars, you know, it’s stupid.
Right, that’s right. What are you going to do with it, right? It’s just a big burden. Right, and, you know, whatever, you know, that’s how he did it. Yeah, I think, yeah, he got carte blanche to do whatever he wanted, and so he’s just like, okay, we’re going through here, boom. He actually, in the book, it says, like, he actually, you know, then he got all these different positions, because he would, like, finagle his way in, like, see, I did this, but unfortunately… I live on Long Island and right now the Robert Moses Causeway that takes you to the bridge, to the beach is like last year. I remember me and my niece were driving and I’m like, well, I don’t know about this. And like two weeks later, like pieces, some guy was out there on the great South Bay boating and he sees pieces of the bridge coming down, coming off of it. No, no, it’s okay. And then, but now they’re fixing it. So it’s like, you know, that thing is ancient, that bridge. We got to get some spackle out here.
You got to get something out there. You know who’s working on that bridge. It’s all the blacks and Hispanics that are working on it. All the people that he prejudiced against. Yeah. Well, that was part of the thing was he would cut neighborhoods because of their racial makeup. Oh, yeah. He was huge. Like even like when you see how when like the housing, especially in New York City, the housing projects, the way they’re built, they’re built like like very industrial, almost like they’re brick buildings with like large iron gates around them, you know, and there’s like, they’re not, but they’re not very like, they’re not inviting you know what I’m saying? Like, it’s, it’s just the way it is and they get and they actually have a controversy about one of the, one of the housing projects is so bad that they want to, the tenants want to actually buy it. Yeah. And make it like they’re, you know, or at least manage it themselves yeah
Because, you know, it really is like it’s a shame because like, you know, they were made for people like, you know, low income. But like, it doesn’t mean, you know, you have to let like they just are unbelievable. Right. Yeah. I worked with a team that we were undercover in the housing projects. We would have undercovers that actually like lived in the housing projects. Wow. And that’s deep. they moved in, you know, they would set up the apartment with like pictures. And the only two people that knew was like the police commissioner and the person in charge of who gets the apartment. Cause they had to move them up on the rent list, like the housing list. Right. Right. Yeah. And then we would just do them in there and we were, you know, and it was amazing cause we would be in the Bronx and like, okay, you know, you do the takedown at three o’clock in the morning and you know,
bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, no media coverage or anything. And, you know, because you don’t want them to be able to notify their friends. That’s right. You don’t want word to get out. And so funny is like, I might have this guy. This is my subject. I see him. And then you see Mikey, that subject. Oh, shit. They got you, too. You know, the other guys come out because they were arrest warrants. You’re allowed to knock on the door and get them. Right. So we would like sit and start so early that we would see them coming back from like the social club. So we would grab them off the street. And what would happen is if you knocked on that door and the mother said, no, he’s not here, he’s not here. You said, listen, he’s facing a felony. You can lose the place. Right, right. That was the thing, you know. You know, you have to write your son out or you’re going to not have a place to live. Just stuff like that. We know he’s here. We watched him walk in.
Yeah. Yeah. You know, but I mean, I mean, it was crazy and stuff. And but, you know, I was lucky enough that I work with a great bunch of people that, you know, we would have a lot of fun before we went out, you know. And then when we went out, like when you went for training, the thing they said is you want to, you know, like you want to come home at the end of the day. Right. Right. You know, everybody comes back, you know. That’s how it is. The most important thing. Especially in narcotics. When I was in patrol, you had a partner. But in narcotics, it was a team concept. It was the module concept. So you did everything with these people. We were all in little different teams. So for Willie Hayes, I was with this guy for 15, however many years. You know what I’m saying? Sometimes the teams, somebody would leave or you’d switch a team. But for the most part, you’re with these guys every single day.
you’re doing overtime with them. You’re out of detail with them. You know what I mean? So it’s like almost like it is like a family, you know? Well, yeah. I mean, it’s a life or death situation sometimes. Yeah. But like we would just have so much fun before, you know, we would go out. It’s like one of the undercovers would be doing his bills and he’d be like, because, you know, you’d have no money left. Right. They’d be like, The other guy would be like, come on, let’s go, let’s go. And so everybody’s getting ready. And one day, this one guy and this other guy, the two detectives are going at it. And the one guy, the undercover, took his little receiver off and he threw it, right? And the other guy goes, that’s smart, real smart, because now we can’t hear you, you stupid fuck. And the other guy threw the can of garbage on him. It was so funny. Here we go. Yeah.
Yeah, it was just funny. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Well, we’re going to transition here, and we’re going to talk more about comedy. So hold on just a second. I think Gary, my band leader, is going to play something here real quick. One, two, three, four. Don’t do that! A little fast tempo there, Gary, but very good, uh, selection there. I don’t know. That’s a good one. So you, you, you were working as a cop. Now, did you do your, uh, comedy university after you, uh, retired from being the cop or were you doing that in the same time? No, I, I had absolutely no time to do it. Yeah. And, uh, And, you know, I was too busy working, you know? Sure. And so, but when I retired, I remember I went to like a comedy show and there was this guy on it and he was pretty funny. It’s like a local comic. And years ago, I went to the local comedy club and I’m talking like over 30 something years ago, the local comedy club out here, Governors. And we went on like a new talent night and we sat there, it was like seven o’clock at night. We were there till like midnight. I mean, these guys were funny.
And little did I know that I was watching, like, legends being made, like Joey Cola and, you know, all these guys that later, like, he’s a warm-up comic for the Drew Barrymore show. He’s, like, a local legend. You know, all comics know him. But I didn’t know I’m watching these people. You know what I’m saying? Yeah, no, it’s wild. Well, you’re in the heart of things there. Yeah, that was the 80s, like, early 80s. And so that was, like, a pretty hot time. so i had seen a local comedy show, like, after i had retired. I’m like, oh, wow, I want to see if i could do this and i googled like uh stand-up comedy. And then the first one that popped up was stand-up university so i took that one. And I became really good friends with one of the instructors peter bales and um he was the one who, when he saw that, he goes, you know, I think that you could probably do this so with let’s work on this and like all right.
And he was the one that said, no comedy club in the world is looking for comedians. I’m just going to let you know that. That’s right. And I go, no, OK. So you really have to. And it’s ironic because like two or three years ago, I remember I reluctantly sent my tape into the New York Comedy Club. And I remember I met the booker. And the first thing she said to a group of us was, I’m just going to let you know that no comedy club in the world is looking for comedians. I want them in the right place. I trust this woman. And I got passed there. And, you know, I’m very grateful for that because they aren’t. It’s the truth. You know, it really is. And it’s not just in New York. It’s all over. Right. Because everybody wants to be a comedian, right? And they have guys. Yeah, like even if you’re like in the Midwest or something, a lot of these guys go on the road. And you go on the road and it’s like…
It’s good and stuff like that, but you have local guys there that are good too. Like North Carolina, I go to that comedy festival. I have a great time. It’s like camp. It’s the best time in the world. It’s kind of a hard turn there going from narcotics officer to being a stand-up comedian. Obviously, you have the camaraderie that you talked about, but it’s kind of a different world, don’t you think? It can be, but I look at it the same way. Like whenever I’m hosting and if I’m hosting out here, usually all the comics are there at the start, like all of them, because it’s a suburban area. So it’s not like they, like in the city, usually they’re going from one club to another club to another club to do different spots. So they come in and they leave right away. And I always say like the same thing, like, listen, um,
you know, we’re not filming a documentary. We’re just trying to, we used to say the same thing. We’re just trying to, you know, everybody’s going to have a good time. We’re going to have some fun. And that’s that, you know? And like, if everybody would like, you just, you know, I’ve had, I’ve been in the position where you’re like, you know, you, you go up and the comic in front of you is terrible. I mean, absolutely terrible. And then you have to go up and bring the energy up. You know what I’m saying? And it’s like, now it’s not so bad because I know I can do it. But especially when you knew you’re like, oh, You know, and but what happens is like, like if they would just understand, like how to maybe perhaps write a joke or, you know, how to be funny. It’s like the energy of the last comic. Like I would do check spots at the New York Comedy Club for like Chris DiStefano. I go on after him when they drop in the checks and the.
it was like riding the energy though. Like they actually were paying attention, you know, you think that, but then I’ve had, you know, shows where they, you know, they just want to get out of there. And I just have to say the quicker you pay check, the quicker you can leave, you know, but like, but you know what I’m saying? So like, if everybody really like sometimes there’s comedians and especially when it’s like, like those bringer shows or stuff, there’s comedians. It’s like, they’re almost trying to be funnier than the next instead of just trying to be funny. Right, yeah. The competition. Yeah, and if you just didn’t do that, if you just would stay in your lane, so to speak, you learn how to be funny. Right, yeah. If you relax and just lean into it a little bit, it all works out better, right? Yeah, like you could see how… I remember I would go, when I first started, I would go to like three open mics a week, a day, for like five days a week. And on the sixth day, I would go to one, right? And…
And I was like, oh, and then my buddy, you know, my mentor, Peter Bales, he’s like, listen, you want to ease up a little bit. You don’t want to turn into an open mic comic. And that’s what I see a lot of times, like a lot of these shows, like, you know, they’ll talk about like, you know, like an open mic at a show. And it’s like, dude, no, you know, you know what I mean? Tell a joke about something. Right. Don’t talk about what we’re doing. Right. Like you’re supposed to or like they’ll riff off somebody and they, they don’t know how to really do it, you know? And then they just, or they like this one guy, I’ll never forget. I was at governor’s and i said, okay, dude, you’re doing, um, 10 minutes. And I could see on his face. He was like, and i go, bro, don’t worry about it. I said, I’m just gonna tell the next comic. He’s up after you. And then i’m gonna be right in the room. Whenever you’re ready to go, I’ll be right there. So if you want to jump early, I’m there. It’s no big deal. You know what i mean? Like, yeah.
It’s not, you know, we’re not at, you know, we’re at like a regular show. Right. Especially on a Saturday night, you know, they’re sticking to their time. They have to stick to the time, you know. So how long would you say between going to the university experience and then going out and doing shows, how much time did it take you to kind of get you know, into things in a rhythm for yourself. I’ve been doing this for like almost like 17 years, almost 18. Holy moly. Yeah, it took me like 15. I remember because, you know, especially in the beginning, like there’s a lot of clubs out, especially in New York, that during the week they run self-produced shows. So it’s like who, so you never know who the booker is.
Right. You know, and then you have to bring six people. And, you know like comics on there, I’m not bringing six of my friends to this, you know i’ll bring them to a bar show that i know the other comics you know what i mean? Like, oh, this guy’s good, this guy’s good. Oh, okay, yeah, we’ll do that, you know? Right, yeah. so You don’t want to torture your friends. Yeah, you don’t want them to see bad comedy, you know that’s not the point. and So I never so it was always like that, you know, and I would just do my mics and stuff. And then I would get some spots out here on Long Island. And then maybe about like three, three or four years ago, my buddy, Peter Bale said, Hey, listen, what, you know, James need, I think you might, James can use some comics. Right. There you go. Oh, you got, I went in on Thursday night. It was a fundraiser.
And I was nervous. And James and I know James and his wife. I’ve known them since I started doing comedy. And James actually was one of the only owners. Like he sat there and he watched. And after he’s like, you know, I don’t know nothing about comedy, but every one of them is true. Every one of them hit on you. Every one of them hits. You know, he’s like the best guy. And he really is. He’s a really nice guy. So, you know, so but I didn’t do like bringer shows because I was told early on. I remember sitting there. I had a show one time, and it was on February. And my spot was at who knows when it was, but the show started at 9. And they invited me to do the show. But then this guy kept calling me up saying, you could bring your friends. And I’m like, yeah, I know. I’m advertising it, right? And it was miserable. I didn’t even want to go in. And I remember Googling the club and seeing the comics that were passed. And there was this one comic that all he does is run bringer shows. Mm-hmm.
past there. And I’m like, you know what? And I remember I went in and I said to the guy that invited me, bro, if you would have told me it was a bringer show, I wouldn’t have, I would have told you, you know, you, I, I don’t need to do the spot. You might want to give it to somebody else, you know? Right. Yeah. I was like second to last and I didn’t, you know, whatever, it was fine, you know, but you know, you do, you have to do, you know, So I did what I had to do. I did a lot of bar shows, and I met a lot of comics that I knew. Like a lot of these comics were blowing up when I started, like Chris DiStefano and Emma Wellman and all those, like Mark Norman. So I would see them at Mike’s, you know. And the work ethic with them is still the same, and I guess that’s what most of the people I hung out with. You just went from Mike to Mike to Mike to Mike to Mike. You got to do, right? You got to keep doing. Yeah. Yeah.
So are you going to do anything? I mean, you’ve done this for a while. Is there anything else on the horizon for you? I mean… I’m trying to write a sitcom, basically. Are you? Yeah. Well, that’s great. You want to talk about it or is it a secret? We can talk about it. All right. Now I babysit my niece’s three children. And I write a lot of jokes about them because… I’m babysitting them. And I mean, they have, they write themselves. Right. It’s the kids. Kids are funny. And they are hysterical. And like just watching the way they interact, you know? And I remember I started a few years ago and then I, I ripped it out. It sucks. And then I was talking to the, a lot of times when I’m at like New York comedy club, I was like, they’ll, they’ll say something.
And I go, oh, my God, it reminds me of the time. And I’ll tell them a story about, like, when I was a cop, like, you know. And then when we did this, and they left, and one of the comics, it was like, did you ever, you know, did you ever do a one-woman show or something? I’m like, no, I never did that. You really should think about it. So I was talking to the booker at the club, and she’s like, we’re figuring it out. Like, she goes, send me some stuff, and we’ll think. So I was trying to make it, like, so, like, I would have, like, flashbacks of like what i did, you know what i mean? Yeah. You know, stuff like that. I’m making cookies today for these kids, but what back then i was cracking skulls and taking names. Yeah. Like, yeah. Like, you know, like when there’s a conflict or something. And then i i like spice that up a little bit. You know, I have, um, there’s two comedians out here that i really like that. Uh, they do these videos all the time and but they’re just nice guys. And like, I want them in because
you know, they’re funny guys and they would know how to, how to, you know, how to do it. You know what I’m saying? Like basically I didn’t, I wouldn’t have to write anything. Here’s your guidelines. Just. Right. Yeah. Run with it. You know how to make it work like that. Like, yeah, almost like a, I think what’s his name did that Larry David. Right. Yeah. The Kirby enthusiasm. Exactly. It was an outline. And then people, um, Yeah, I never… All the players would kind of run with the different pieces, unless it was a plot point, I guess. They had to get the plot points in, but yeah. Yeah, yeah. Like, they probably just… Like, would make it around that. And it’s interesting, because I never really watched the show. And now when I watch it, like, I see, you know… Like, last… You know, like, I see how it is more… It’s not as structured. No, yeah. Well, you can… If you really…
you can kind of like, uh, uh, Bob Einstein, uh, was on there. Right. And, and you can tell when he throws a curve ball and then they’re all reacting to something because he’s such, he’s kind of an out there kind of guy or he was, I’m God rest his soul. He passed away, but he would throw some kind of curve ball line out there and they’d all go, what? You know, and they’re all trying to catch up. Uh, and it’s funny. Or yeah, we’ll do my Jeff Garlin. What? Why? That’s Jeff Garlin. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And I’ll even watch shows like I was watching The Office. So there’s different little things. We’ll see what happens with it. That would be pretty cool. That’s great. Like I was saying, I said to the booker that’s helping me, I said, oh, you know, and I have this one for blah, blah, blah, because she’s the one that, you know. And I said, I have everybody planned out.
I said fitness is what we all eat. If it gets successful, everybody eats. There you go. Do you have a title or working title? No, nothing like that yet. It’s funny too because last week I was babysitting Eliana. She’s four. She was on her bicycle, I think. My other niece’s husband, John, came over and he took the longboard skateboard and he was on the skateboard and they live like at a like a little cul-de-sac and the neighbor on the end um like two years ago I was walking the dog and there’s a sewer grate there and so Louie peed down the sewer and the guy came out like don’t walk your dog on my property and I’m like I’m not walking on your property this is the sewer and so what he did is he built this whole thing over the sewer so it’s like his property oh jeez
And so he’s always been a dick and stuff. So then last week, what he did is he backed his car out and he parked on the curve part. So we couldn’t go down to the end. And. Oh my gosh. So I was like, Oh, I have another arc. Bad neighbor, a bad neighbor, you know, bad neighbor. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you know, like, Oh, what are we going to do? What, you know, how should we handle this? And like, I have like my two buddies that are like, you know, one’s like kind of like a weed dealer and the other guy’s, you know, a cool Italian guy. And then we just like, they’re like, why don’t we do this? And we’re thinking, I’m like, no, no, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. People are weird. Right. So yeah, that’s the wild thing that they would, he would go to all that trouble for nothing essentially. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You know what I mean? What are you getting out of this? Nothing.
Yeah, exactly. Just being a jerk. Yeah. Gary’s going to play a little bit of his song here, and we’re going to come back and play a little game. Oh, cool beans. Thank you, Gary. That was very nice. I think that was scorpions or something. You are a great asshole. I know, Gary. He’s such a jerk. He’s like the guy who lives on your street there, the cul-de-sac. Oh, my gosh. So we talked a little bit earlier whenever we set this up, and I have these little kind of improvisational things. And the one that you chose was called The World Gone Mad. Oh, yeah. Crazy happenings in the world today. Now, is there a crazy happening in the world today that you want to talk about? Or do you want me to just bring one up? I’ll just kind of randomly bring one up. You can bring one up because, I mean, there’s so many. I didn’t know if there was something like you thought whenever you saw that. You’re like, oh, I got something to talk about.
I’m trying to think. You know what was really funny? A lot of times I just have CNN on in the back, right? I like watching the situation on Wolf Blitzer. He’s a Buffalo Bills fan. He’s a Buffalo Sabres fan. So that guy’s my favorite. So I’ll have the stuff on in the background or whatever. And I’m not really paying attention to it. But yesterday they had Robert Kennedy on. Oh, gosh, yeah. Robert Kennedy. Yeah. And, like, first of all, it’s like, please, your voice is annoying me. And second, if anybody, like, a regular person had that situation, that affliction, I would be like, oh, cool, totally fine, I understand. But he just annoys the shit out of me. And, like, he made some, and I’m horrible at math, but he’s trying to, like, say, like, the health care costs, it’s, like, 600% cheaper. It’s like, that’s negative free. Right.
and then negative three. And then, like We all get three dollars when we go to the doctor yeah and then he was like, all these senators, like, maybe if you if you weren’t posing in pictures with your shirt off and and sitting in saunas with jeans on, like, he just is the most disgusting thing possible I feel bad for his wife because her career is just… That’s a loop back to Curb Your Enthusiasm. That’s Cheryl. She played Cheryl in Curb Your Enthusiasm. I know. And I was just actually thinking about this earlier today because they were in the news. He was in the news about… What was he talking about this time? Anyway, he was in the… RFK was in the news talking about some shit. So anyway, I was thinking, oh gosh, because Ted Danson and Larry David are very…
liberal people. I’m like, oh boy, Cheryl, she tanked it right there. She’s never going back to anything. He doesn’t talk to her anymore. She was Ted Danson’s nanny. Really? Yeah, originally. She’s funny on the show. That’s how they things got started anyway. She was working for Ted Danson, uh, as a nanny or something a long time ago. And, uh, that’s how all that, but now I’m like, oh my gosh, this RFK thing is really tanked her career. But yeah, you’re right. The guy, it’s just, it’s weird. Oh, I know what it was. It was the fact that he, he was with him cause he’s been married a couple of times, I guess. But anyway, he stopped, uh, and cut the penis off of raccoon. That was a roadkill. Did you read that story? Yeah. And he also, he found a bear.
Did he cut the penis off a bear? He found a bear on the side of the road in upstate New York. He drove it down to Manhattan and then he dumped it in Central Park. I remember when people found it. What the fuck is a bear doing here? They had a picture of him on a plane and he was barefoot. I don’t care how clean. I don’t care if it’s a private jet, bro. Unless you’re like the guy from Shark Tank, the handsome guy. I don’t trust him at all. It’s just such trash. He was barefoot on the… Well, I guess that’d make you take your shoes off, but you’re supposed to put them back on. And then he… No, this was on the plane itself. Like, he was walking up the aisle. Oh, okay. That’s weird. Yeah. I wouldn’t want to do that anyway because, I mean… It’s cold. I mean…
They got sharp spots on them and stuff on those stupid seats because they scrunch them all together so much. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I said, I don’t care. Even if you ever see those private jets or something, they’re not as big as a plane. No. They’re giving up something so you can have the table and some safety precaution that they’re leaving out so you can have that extra liquor cabinet on board. Yeah. Yeah, that’s right. There’s only so much weight can go on the plane. Or the seat recline, so you can, you know, do something unspeakable to the lady passengers on your plane. Uh-oh. You talking about Lolita Express or something there? Yeah, yeah, like the Lolita Express. Is he in the Epstein file? I’ve never heard his name mentioned. He’s probably too sleazy. Froggy from the Little Rascals is on the
lolita express there. I don’t know if you’re froggy but anyway, the, uh, but yeah, I mean, it’s just so weird. It’s just such a weird and he has no weird times yeah he has no medical background. Like if Dr. Oz was that position, it’s a little different because he was a heart surgeon. He put in some time, right? Yeah, he legitimately did med school. You know what I’m saying? And he was actually a pretty successful heart surgeon, too. So he worked at… Okay, this is his qualification. I’ve been to the doctor my whole life. He was a heroin addict. That’s the closest he came to medical care. You know, he was. You know, and he went into rehab and stuff like that. I was involved in pharmaceuticals as a young man. Yeah, so, you know. And, you know, he’s just like so… I always hated it.
when guys would go to the gym and work out in their jeans. Mm-hmm. Like, sometimes we would do that, like, at work, if, like, if you were, like, you know, you had to run out or something, and you were just going to get dirty anyway. But most of us, like, we’d have another change of clothes. Right. But, like, that is just so disgusting because it’s, like, you’re not going out and, like, locking up perps. Like, we’re stinky. We’re going to get stinky. Right. You’re going to go on, like, you have to go meet people. Like, how gross is that? You know, how gross are those dreams? That’s true. Oh, my gosh. RFK’s personal hygiene. Yeah, his father’s probably rolling over in his grave. Probably a lot of Kennedys are. Yeah, like Jesus. We just banged Marilyn Monroe, but for Christ’s sake. Yeah.
He doesn’t have the accent like Teddy and JFK did. No, they were from, like, yeah. They actually lived in… What was I going to say about JFK? Oh, the good thing, the thing that should happen is, RFK Jr. should fly, like, over the Atlantic in a plane. Because his uncle… You know, got tragically killed during World War II, flying over the whatever. And then Teddy, he drove right into the water with that poor young woman. The Kennedys and water don’t mix. You know what I’m saying? JFK Jr. Right in the water. The dyslexic fuck was too arrogant. You know, he can’t even read properly because he was dyslexic. How are you going to read it? a fucking instrument panel. I think he was fine. 600% less. Yeah, he didn’t have any… I think legitimately the plane that he was flying didn’t have instruments. Right, he was an instrument rated. He had to fly with instruments, I think, because of the weather. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I mean, you know, remember when they went skiing and one of them got killed when they were skiing because they were throwing the football around? Oh, yeah.
And the steepers kept saying, stop doing that, stop doing that. And they didn’t stop, and look what happened. You know what I mean? That’s what happens. That’s what happens. That’s what happens, whatever. It’s frozen water or fresh water or ocean water. It doesn’t matter. Kennedy’s and water. The Kennedys and water don’t mix, man. They don’t mix. That’s because they made their fortune in whiskey. And somebody told me, and I’ve believed this for years, that… they imposed, they still collect like a dollar on every tax of the whiskey that’s sold in the United States. But they did for like a long time. I think they did from like the 20s until like, who knows? I’ve delved so far into the Kennedys, I cannot stand them. I felt bad for John F. Kennedy because he was put in the position like run for president. He’s like, all right, you know,
You know what I’m saying? Yeah. Yeah, I felt bad for him, but his father was such a piece of shit. He was banging all these broads, and then the wife found out that he liked one of the nurses, and so she fired him and got the cousin there when he had a stroke and he couldn’t talk. She was like a tough Irish woman, man. She don’t care. Yeah. Yeah. She got her revenge back. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. RFK is in the news. That’s for sure. Yeah. I don’t even know where all this is going. That’s the crazy thing. Are we going to look back on this and go, what the hell are we thinking? I mean, you know. I know. I know. I didn’t understand that. I don’t understand that whole prescription plan thing. Because when I first heard it from that other guy’s mouth, it was like, and it’s going to be 600% cheaper. And I remember like, wait, you know.
that was not about to happen. Well, yeah, that’s uh like a real estate mogul go figure yeah interesting yeah well michelle if are you going to be anywhere where folks can catch you or do you want to, Promote anything? I should have asked you that earlier. I usually am at the New York Comedy Club. I usually do like the 530 or the 545 show, depending on Saturdays. This Saturday I’m off. So hopefully I’ll be there next week. There you go. Yeah, usually like every Saturday, every other Saturday, stuff like that. So hopefully that’s where you can usually see me. And watch for the new sitcom on Mubi. Yeah. It’s called Behind Bars. We’re going to put it. You know what? There was a club. I’ll never forget this. When I first started doing comedy, there was three comedy clubs out here, all owned by three different people. And then the one guy sold the one all the way out in Suffolk County. And so the guy owned the one in Suffolk and the one in Levittown. There was a guy in Belmore, and he finally sold it. So now the owner’s owned all three locations. Oh, wow.
William Belmore, the guy that used to run, he used to own the brokerage. He opened a bar down the block called Behind Bars. And then they used to do comedy there and direct competition with, you know, with the, you know what I’m saying? They had this thing like, well, if you go there, then you can’t go in. You can’t be at. Everybody got territorial. But it was okay because, you know, governors want, they want comics. Right. You know what i’m saying? Like, you know, if you want to do that, go ahead. You got to pick your poison. Like they’ll have a thing. They, they do have a thing. Like if you’re on a private show or something, don’t expect to be booked there. If you’re going to be advertising that all over, you know what i mean right right exactly because i want to have some some exclusivity i suppose
Yeah, because then the other thing too is, like I said, there’s three comedy clubs out here, and they’re all good clubs. They have great comedians. They have great shows and stuff, especially on the weekend. So, I mean, it’s available to them. You know what I’m saying? Yeah, I hear you. Some people feel a little intimidated maybe walking into a comedy club so they have the shows at the restaurant or something. Right. You know what I mean? Like they might feel like, oh, I don’t want to come because I might get picked on, you know, something like that. I can’t sit up front. Yeah. Got a giant head. Everybody will pick on me. Yeah. Yeah. Which is probably true. You know, like, oh, is it Mardi Gras? Like one thing I never do, though, is like say like and it happened this last week. There was one black couple in the entire audience. Mm hmm.
And I would never point like, oh, like it’s funny if the black comic just looks at the black couple and goes, hey, I know how you feel. But you know what I’m saying? Right. I don’t tell a joke and then say, even the black guys laugh. You know, like they don’t want to get singled out. No. That would be terrible. Right. You know what I mean? It’s like saying, even the Asian guys laughing at that joke, you know? Oh, my goodness. Don Rickles now. Yeah. You know what? He was like, whatever, but the person I hate the most was Jerry Lewis. Oh, Jerry Lewis. Yeah. Well, when you see like the older tapes of how he was like his crowd work, he was like, like insulting his audience. Like, well, he was a very angry man. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, I read, I, and I can’t stand him enough that I had to listen to a podcast about him. I read a book about him and like, he didn’t, it’s like, he didn’t seem to understand that. Like,
His stuff was really pioneered at that time. But technology changes. And then you have Star Wars. He didn’t like the fact that people’s genres were changing. Right, right. He got left behind. Yeah. But it happens to everybody. So Jerry Lewis, the RFK of comedy, is what you’re saying. I remember listening… I remember watching a show. It was like autopsy. And it was Jerry Lewis. And like, I would get so excited. Yeah, he’s got diabetes too. And you know what I found out too? I watched that show. Like a lot of these old time entertainers, like Jerry Lewis, for example. So they would drink orange juice all the time for the vitamin C. But meanwhile, like when you drink so much of it, Right. It’s like the sugar is, you know. Yeah, tremendous. Right. So, like, that’s why he, you know, and then he would suck on lollipops because after he had a heart attack, he didn’t want to smoke anymore. Right, yeah. All that sugar and stuff was like, you know, that really, he was better off smoking. Isn’t that the way it goes, right? Every time you try to replace one thing, the thing you replace it with is always worse than the thing you were doing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
That’s like these people, like, it makes me laugh. Like, they’re like, oh, I got this weed vape. Dude, just smoke the regular weed. Well, vape stuff is even horrible for you. Not even the weed aspect, just the vape aspect. You know, it’s one thing if you know how to make it. Like, there’s a way you can make it. But it’s like, dude, what’s wrong with you? You know what I mean? Like, you don’t even know. They’re, like, sucking on it all day. Right, exactly. Oh, my gosh. You know? That’s a whole other show talking about vaping. Yeah. The dangers of vaping versus just smoke something because you’re better off. Yeah. You’re way better off than the vaping. It’s so easy, even with the nicotine ones. Like the Jules, you know, they were just taking sips on them all day, hiding them in there. I’m having it in the sleeve. I’m a secret service agent. I watch the Jules.
watch the Jewel documentary on the Jewels. Did you know Jewel is going to be 600% cheaper? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Picking this any Jewel and he’s telling you eat fatty meat and shit. Yeah. Okay, buddy. Well, Michelle, thanks for being my guest tonight. Everybody check her out. She’s well, she’s going to be on plausible again Sunday, right? Yeah. Yeah. And at New York Comedy Club, catch her around New York, Long Island. And she’s very funny and has great life experience. And now we know the truth is out. She’s not a fan of RFK. Or Jerry Lewis, by the way. Yeah. So, Gary, take us away.

Transcript (AI transcription)

So, Jeff, did you Poduty today? I did it twice, actually. Good for you. Welcome everybody to Mondo Freako. I’m glad you could do it. Yeah, you got to keep it going. We’re going to talk today to Jeff Revilla, or I like to say Jeff Revilla. The San Francisco treat. From Fiduti, and he is going to be our guest, and he’d like to know what we’re going to I’m not going to believe it, but I’m ready to hear it. Okay. We’re going to talk about the Travis Walton abduction case. Interesting. Are you a fan of UFOs or UAPs or any of that business or any of the U’s? I do. I’m a big fan of all the U’s. Western PA has some great history. We have a place called Kecksburg, which is a UFO. I have been there.
Yeah, so you know, Western PA, we got Bigfoot and UFOs. Yes, the wood booger. Yeah. I have been to Kecksburg, and behind the volunteer fire department is the ship that supposedly crashed in the woods. They have it. The acorn, right? The acorn, that’s right. I pulled in there and took pictures of the acorn at one point in time, yeah. I love Kecksburg. I wish you’d have done Kecksburg. Why didn’t I think of that? Oh, what do you know? What do you know? You would have thought that maybe I would, I would be on to you and I would have studied that. And that’s what I’m, I’m waiting for the show to be about. Well, Travis Walton was from, uh, uh, I think it’s Scottsdale, Arizona. So other end of the world, really. I know nothing about Scottsdale compared to the Kecksburg. So, uh, typically, well, first of all, let’s get the, let’s get the, the, uh,
plugs in here because we have to, and I, uh, and i wish that i would have had this ready, but I, I just realized i don’t well you’re contractually obligated. Yeah. I want to, I want to talk about paduti.com right so this is a jeff’s got a program or it’s more than a program. It’s a whole network. Well, it’s a theater space, a physical space. Oh, right. That’s right. It’s a, it’s, it’s, Brick and mortar and virtual. Yeah, we do it all. We’re a one-stop shop. You could actually take an Uber, come out into the theater, do your show, call your Uber while you’re still on stage, get out of there, and I’ll sell you the money that I owe you for doing the performance. So it’s an easy turnkey way to produce a podcast, and you can do a live audience or a virtual audience. Or both. Do them all. Yeah, do them all. That’s our tagline. Do them all.
Do them all. Okay. Well, that’s an interesting tagline. I will say that. And I believe it’s at Padooty on most of the socials, I’m guessing. Yeah, or if I screwed it up, it could be Padooty Live or Padooty Pods. But mostly, if you do, I’m the only Padooty in the world. Oh, there you go. And so what would, like if somebody wanted to do it. So you are in Tarritum. Correct. Which is not too far from Pittsburgh. Get ready to do your drafts. I think the NFL draft is here, and they’ve taken over the entire city. Really? Yeah. Is that because of that show, The Pit? Yeah. That’s right. It’s got McConaughey and Noah Wiley. They’re drafting football players. Are they really? Oh, wow. That’s interesting. So if somebody wanted to utilize the space or…
I know you do a show called Padooty in the News, which I was on. How would they get a hold of you? Yeah, Padooty.com, P-O-D-U-T-Y.com. It’s a lot of fun, handshake deals. You either like working with me or you don’t. And if you don’t, we don’t do it again. But if you do, we’ll do some more gigs together. That’s funny. You don’t like it, you don’t. You go in between. Yeah, you’re going to like it. is there a Pittsburgh accent? Would you, do you have a Pittsburgh type type accent I don’t know if I do I people say I do like, I, if you can’t hear it, then I don’t know if it is, but like, you know, you go downtown there and that like, it sounds weird when I try to do it you go downtown there and that yeah it’s because I would think that, so like I live in St. Louis and so there’s two,
major cities in Missouri, St. Louis and Kansas City. And we sound exactly the same. But over there, you have Philadelphia and Pittsburgh are two major cities, right? And they’re on either end of the state, kind of like here. But you guys have different accents, don’t you? Yeah, different accents, different sandwiches. It’s a big cultural divide. Oh, yeah. I’ve been to Philadelphia. I had a Philly cheesesteak at Pat’s. You were a Pat’s guy, not a Geno’s guy. Well, no, I had both, but I can remember Pat’s. Yeah. Geno’s, underwhelming. Because they’re across the corner from each other. We went and we had both, but I think my son, who was very much into this, he likes Pat’s, and so Pat’s was the winner. Um, but I think we had both and I know we had both, but, uh, yeah. So what’s the equivalent out in Pittsburgh? I mean, like you eat a bar of steel. What’s the deal. We grew up on just iron shovels of iron. You probably see it. If you ever watched Monday night football or any kind of sports show, they always show this one sandwich from Pittsburgh. It’s called a Permanente sandwich. It’s the one that has the meats, the cheese, the,
The coleslaw, the French fries, the tomatoes, and two thick slices of like one-inch Italian bread. It’s called a Primanti sandwich. It’s about five inches tall, and it weighs probably five pounds as well. It’s a perfect cube. How do you spell that? P-R-I-M-A-N-T-I-S. Primanti Bros. Ah. Manti Bros. Okay. I’ve heard this, but I don’t remember. Let’s see if… The next time you’re in Kecksburg, I’ll buy you a Permanis. Well, here, I’m going to… Let me see if I can get this over here. Technology. And let’s see if I can throw it up on the screen here. You see? Throw it up. There we go. Does that look like it? That’s a Permanis sandwich. That’s it. Oh, look at that. Romantic sandwich. That’s a lot. When you said French fries, I couldn’t remember until you said French fries. Yeah, the French fries. And the coleslaw isn’t like some coleslaws are like a creamy dressing. This is like a really fine angel hair shredded cabbage tossed with like an oil or more like with a vinegar, a little bit of salt, pepper, and sugar. Apparently, J.D. Vance got sick on one of these. That’s why he keeps showing up in my pictures. I don’t know what the hell that’s for.
I think they got sick of him and they threw him out. Yeah, maybe. He looks a little oozy in that one picture. They wouldn’t serve him, I’m pretty sure. They declined service. They declined. So, well, that’s good. I’m glad to know because I was in Kecksburg area. We actually were on the edge of Pittsburgh. We did not go into Pittsburgh proper when I was visiting. Oddly enough, I went there specifically to go to Kecksburg. Not a lot of places stay in Kecksburg. Okay. Once you got the photo, you were pretty much done with the town. Pretty much, yeah. I don’t think it was a place to get lunch, as I recall. That’s it. They didn’t have a sandwich for me. I guess I could have hit up the fire department, but they weren’t having the fish fry or anything. Yeah, chili cook-off. Yeah, chili or anything. It was just like, oh, we’re here. And then we ended up having to go into the edge of – outskirts, I guess, the suburbs of Pittsburgh to stay and so forth. Yeah.
Well, um, Oh, there’s some Padootie up there. That’s good. Anything else you want to promote before we move on to the next part? No, I, you know, I’m afraid to promote anything else. I don’t know how much I want to be attached to, depending on what I say in the next half hour, but, uh, just remember Padootie.com and we’ll catch up later. Yeah, there you go. Well, thanks. Everybody should go check it out. It’s fantastic. And, and if you’re happened to be in the Pittsburgh, uh, in the Terratum area, you should go to the theater. Check it out. We do monthly meetups to meet other podcasters, other content creators. We do a magic show or a comedy show or maybe just hang out. I don’t know. We talked briefly earlier. A lot of times what I do is I will tell you the story of the Travis Walton abduction, but
I also do a quiz, and I give the guest a choice. Do they want to try to do the quiz first or hear the story first? Because some people are really into these things, and they already know, or they just want to see how they do. What say you, Jeff? Well, my instinct is you’ve been a guest on another show I produce as a trivia show, so I’m a trivia host, which means I know everything, so I should be able to do this quiz beforehand and ace it. That’s my prediction. I know everything. Okay. I know it all. Well, then let’s head on over to the quiz, shall we? Let’s go. Quiz. Quiz. Quiz. I like how I keep saying quiz. Don’t you like that? You keep talking toward the music. I’m like, well, is he talking to me? Yeah, as if I’m singing that. All right. So I’ve got seven questions here. They start out easy. They get harder as they go along.
Best out of seven bragging rights. All about the Travis Walton UFO abduction. Number one. Are you ready, sir? I’m ready. In what year did the alleged incident involving Travis Walton occur? A. The year Disco finally died of exhaustion. B. 1975. C. 1985. Or D. 1999. Or D. And I will give you a hint if you’d like. Oh, yeah. I’ll take a hint on this one. I have an idea. Think about the era often associated with the classic sighting culture of the late 20th century. The classic sighting culture of the late 20th century. Ooh. Probably not 1999, just so you know. That is the, you know, that’s the… That’s about as late as you can get in the 20th century. And I do like, Disco only really had a one-year run, so that’s probably pretty specific. Right. Let’s go with, we’ll go with 85. He was hanging out with, there’s a missing person in Western Pennsylvania, Sherry Mahan. So maybe they were together. Oh, really? Okay. Yeah.
All right. Let’s see. 1985. Oh, I’m so sorry. That’s only one number off. Yeah. Yeah. One letter. Yeah. The date is a decade too late for the reported encounter was 1975. The event famously took place on November 5th, 1975. All right. Well, that was, you know, you didn’t. Dates are always tough. Yeah. Let’s go to number two. What was the primary occupation of Travis Walton at the time of the incident? A, forestry worker. B, stunt double for a tree. C, professional Bigfoot hunter. Or D, a full-time glitter manufacturer. Oh, man. I’m going to go with A on this one. Forestry worker. Not even going to take the hint. He’s jumping right in there. Well, let’s hear the hint. I mean, is the hint optional? Oh, yeah. It’s up to you. I don’t give the hint unless you want the hint.
Let’s take the hint. Let’s see. Consider the environment where the event reportedly took place, which you are not so positive on. Oh, yeah. Maybe it was Los Angeles. Yeah, glitter in 75 was pretty big in LA. Yeah, exactly. Maybe he worked for the village people. We don’t know. Well, he gave away Arizona, so to me that’s going to roll out Bigfoot. I don’t think Bigfoot’s going to stay in a desert. So I’m going to stick with my answer. I’m going to stay with A, forestry work. Forestry worker. Yes. Oh, yes. That’s right. Walton was working with a logging crew in the Apache Sitgreaves National Forest. So good. You’re one and one. Come back here. Fantastic. Number three. How many days was Travis Walton missing following the encounter? Was it A, five days, B, 12 days, C, two days, or D, long enough to miss his favorite TV show?
now depending on the day of the week that the tv show happened, any one of those, this could be like an a and a d situation. This could be a two answer so let’s see the hint though let’s all right recall the duration mentioned as the period leading up to his reappearance. That doesn’t help you at all. No, that’d be like you previously told me already and yeah but well well i didn’t read the thing, because it would tell you in that oh it’s true okay let’s go with uh See, I do think D probably missed his show. But let’s see. You don’t like me picking that one. No, no, I’m just going up and down here. That’s all. Let’s go the distance. We’ll go 12 days, which would also be D, too. B, 12 days. Let’s see what happens. Reveal it. Oh! Oh!
Overestimated the length of time he was actually reported missing. Five days. Walton reappeared on the side of a highway five days after the incident. That’s a long time, though. If the TV shows on a Tuesday disappeared on a Wednesday, he’s home by Monday. He’s not going to miss the show at all. That’s true. Maybe he wasn’t gone long enough. Two and one. That’s okay. You’re still in the game. Let’s go on to the next question. We didn’t say what happens if I lose out. Oh, no. You don’t get to brag about it. You’re kicked off. The show ends. The show ends. That’s right. I pull a lever. And so number four, which film is famously based on the accounts of Travis Walton’s case? Is it A, E.T. the Extraterrestrial, B, Aliens in My Backyard, C, Fire in the Sky, or D, The Tree Chopper’s Unfortunate Vacation? Oh, man.
Those longer ones always get me. The TCUV, they call it. That’s how the kids… That’s right, the TCUV, exactly. I think they made a cartoon out of it as well. In the TCUV universe, Travis Walton has appeared. Let’s go with… I got a hint if you want it. Oh, let’s go. I will take the hint. Let’s take the hint. The title refers to the intense aerial light witnessed by the crew. See, I already rolled out A. I didn’t think, because that movie’s about Reesey Pieces. Phone home, E.T., phone home. So I’ll go with C, Fire in the Sky. Fire in the Sky goes with C. All right! Wait, where’s my sound effect? There we go. Cha-ching! That’s right, Fire in the Sky, the 1993 movie, dramatized the abduction narrative, specifically the scenes aboard the craft. I think also Val Kilmer plays Jim Morrison.
That’s right. No, it was light my fire in the sky. Light my fire in the sky. That’s right. Come on, baby. Light my fire in the sky. All right. We’ll go to the next question. Number five. What is the primary argument used by skeptics to explain the incident as a hoax? Some people don’t believe Travis. Okay. A, they simply got lost on the way to lunch. B, financial incentives regarding the logging contract. C, to hide a secret society membership, or D, they were hiding from an angry squirrel. Ooh. Those are four solid answers. I’m going to take the hint on this one. All right. Think about the pressures a vlogging crew might face under professional deadlines. Ooh. I mean, if you’re under pressure, you might get lost for lunch. Go have a liquid lunch. That’s right. That’s right. That could be a problem. Sap? They had a bunch of sap is what you mean? They just
They just got stuck. They tried to pump gas into the nozzle. Wow, this is very sticky. We can’t go anywhere. Let’s go with B. B? All right, let’s see what happens. That is correct. Critics argue the story was fabricated to avoid penalties for falling, for failing to meet contract deadlines. I said falling because it’s about trees. Tree falling. Tree falling, exactly. All right, you’re ahead three to two. You got two more questions to go. Will it last long? You could blow it still, or you could make it. All right. Here we go. Number six. How did investigators primarily attempt to verify the truthfulness of the crew’s testimony? A, checking their logs for aliens in the notes. Logs as in, you know, written logs, not the logs that they were cutting. B, by asking nicely for the truth. C, consulting a magic eight ball. Or D, by conducting polygraph tests.
I think I have an answer on this one, but the hint will push me over the top. All right. Consider the common, albeit controversial, method used to test if someone is lying. Well, I mean, I go to the eight ball all the time. Yeah, and that tells you. It’ll tell you if you’re lying. It says, hmm. And there’s that TikTok trend about be nice. So, you know, asking nicely is an effective tool as well. Let’s go with D, conducting polygraph tests. All right. That’s right. You’re doing it. Got four to two. It looks like you’re going to win this one. The crew’s testimony was subjected to multiple polygraph examinations during the investigation. All right. You’ve won this. It’s four to two. You can’t lose, even if you get this next one wrong. But let’s just ask it just for fun. All right. Number seven. Why did Travis Walton later suggest the beans took him aboard the craft?
Was it A, to update his software, B, to provide medical aid or resuscitation, C, to study his fashion sense, or D, they needed help with their taxes? Let’s go to that blue one. Now, these aren’t as solid answers as the last question. I’ve got a hint if you want it. Let’s go for it. Let’s do the hint. Consider if the intent was malicious or restorative. I mean, I don’t know how he dressed. Like a logger, I’m guessing. Lumberjack. That’s right. Those burlap pants. Burlap pants. How about let’s go with to provide medical aid or resuscitation. Oh, there you go. B is correct. That’s right. Walton has speculated that they may have been attempting to heal or resuscitate him after a previous incident. injury well thank you, Jeff. You’ve won. Quiz. Quiz. Quiz. Quiz. Good job, Jeff. And we’re gonna, let’s listen to, uh, let’s listen to this real quick. Mondo frico This is ryan frank from the baggage Podcast. And you’re listening to mondo frico
Yeah, I’m Ryan for the baggage count because I talk whenever it happens. You’re all-knowing, all-seeing. Everybody. Well, hey, congratulations on winning the quiz. Those things are not that easy to win because there’s a lot of curveballs in there and also just a lot of nonsense. Yeah, great quiz. I enjoyed it. You got to go through all the nonsense to get these things. So let me tell you about Travis Walton. I’ll give you the lowdown. The gist. Here we go. I want to read this too. Let’s see if I had some music for this. Let’s see. No, I don’t. Okay. I used to have some music, and then it kept giving me copyright strikes, so I stopped using it, even though it was not something that should be copyright struck, if that makes sense. Sure. I could hum Amazing Grace or something if you want. If you want to, but I don’t think that would really be fitting. I don’t. Okay.
All right, so let me tell you about Travis Walton’s incident. So the Travis Walton incident is one of the most famous and debated accounts of alien abduction in modern history. On November 5th, 1975, in the Apache Sick Graves National Forest near Heber, Arizona, 22-year-old forestry worker Travis Walton and his six-man logging crew reported encountering a bright saucer-shaped object hovering near the ground. According to the crew, when Walton approached the craft, he was struck by a powerful beam of light that rendered him unconscious, prompting the terrified crew to flee the scene. When they returned shortly after to search for him, Walton had vanished, leading to a massive search effort and suspicion that his co-workers had murdered him. Five days later, Walton reappeared on the side of the highway, disoriented and malnourished, claiming he had been taken aboard an extraterrestrial craft, examined by a non-human being, and eventually returned.
While Walton and his crew members had consistently maintained their story over the decades, often pointing to their success in various polygraph tests, skeptics, including the late UFO investigator Philip J. Glass, have argued that the event was an elaborate hoax orchestrated to avoid financial penalties for failing to meet a logging contract deadline. The case, which served as an inspiration for the 1993 film Fire in the Sky, remains a polarizing fixture in UFO lore, representing a stark divide between those who accept the testimony as a genuine encounter and those who view it as a manufactured narrative. Now, having heard all that, and you’re all brushed up on the Travis Walton, what’s your thoughts? Now I know it’s five days, so he could have been home definitely in time for the TV show. That’s true. That’s true. He wasn’t going to miss Maude.
Back in 75 or Chico and the man. Yeah. Matlock was, you know, it’s just a crazy story. You know, you talk about, you know, there is some thing happening with some sort of negotiation that we learned about. So, you know, if they’re trying to defer conversations or, or, you know, make the logging company wait until they can have that final discussion disappearing for a while, isn’t, isn’t a bad, a bad excuse. And then you rise again on the fifth day. Just like Easter. That’s right, yeah. Got some Jesus overtones going on there, doesn’t it? Yeah. Five days and all. It’s interesting. So would you say that you are on the side that Travis maybe is telling us a fib? I don’t know. You know, 1975, there’s some crazy things were still happening. You’re coming out of the 60s with, you know, wild psychedelics and, you know,
other other drugs and you already hinted at disco was a thing. So, you know, you combine psychedelics with the disco balls. You know, Travis could have had a five-day bender and, you know, just called it aliens. Out in the national Forest. Yeah. I think we found some ayahuasca or some shrooms. I don’t know. Yeah. Oh, interesting. See, now the To me, and now I’m going to take, you know, point counterpoint here. This, to me, is one of the most believable abduction cases. So he wasn’t abducted alone. He wasn’t just like wandering out in the forest. There was five other people who witnessed him get struck by a light and go up into a ship. And they’ve all maintained this. And they all passed polygraphs. Because at one… Originally…
on the five days when Travis was gone, they were all being investigated for murdering him. Yeah. That’s a lot of pressure. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you see a ship in the woods hovering and you’re like, Travis is like, Hey, hold my beer. I’m going to go check this thing out. And then he just disappears. You’re like, Oh, murder. Yeah. So, yeah, and I think there was a point if you delve, I mean, we had a pretty cursory glance into the story, but if you delve deeper into the story, they were really worried that they were going to get penned with murdering him, his crewmates, because there was such an investigation going on with all of the local authorities, and they were starting to, you know, bump it up the chain a little bit, right? And so there was, you know,
these people were really quite scared that this was going to become, they were going to be wrapped up in this. If he didn’t show up at some point in time, then they were going, they were going to go to jail. And, um, I guess to the credit of his workmates, which I find this, this is to me is just as interesting as the abduction itself is not one of the five broke and said, yeah, you know, Jeff did it, which could have easily happened. whenever you’re kind of under that kind of scrutiny that eventually, whether it’s true or not, somebody breaks and they just point the finger at whoever they don’t like the most. And so I think that it’s kind of an interesting psychological test that happened back then where they all kind of stuck to their guns and went through the process and, and, you know, they’re all being watched and investigated heavily and,
And then the guy just shows up out of nowhere in a different town, nowhere near where he disappeared. And the moral of the story is he kind of awoken in the woods and made his way to this town and used a pay phone to, I think, call somebody to collect, which nobody knows what any of that means right now as I just said that. There used to be pay phones where you’d have to pay to call somebody. And if you didn’t have any money, you’d have to call what was called collect where the other person had to pay. Can you imagine? Yeah. You’d have to, you’d have to hurry up. So the operator would pick up and say, you’d say, I’d like to make a click call. And they’re like, what’s your name? And Travis is like, I’ve been abducted by aliens and I need to get picked up. And that’s right. You have to make your name, whatever you needed. So the,
Right. Because the person you were calling collect was just going to hang up on you anyway. Right. Exactly. Because then they hung up on you. They didn’t have to accept the charges. And you imagine if five of them or four of the five had, you know, ganged up and pinned it on me or like, you know, one person. Imagine how awkward Monday morning would have been when they’re all there and Travis shows up. You guys pin murder on me. That’s right. We all said it was Jeff. He didn’t want it. He didn’t want to go to Burger King on that day for lunch. And we did. And he took us over to rallies. I don’t know why in your area, if you got those, but, uh, and, and so then we just, we ratted him out. So he was a murderer. I do think, you know, stories from, from 50 years ago where, you know, he was beamed up and then taken to another town far away.
It seems less believable now that we have GPS and we have cell phones that tell us exactly where we’re at. You would think alien technology could get you back to the point where they picked you up at, that you don’t need to get – they know where you’re at. They can pinpoint your location. That’s a good question because I think the other thing, if you read about alien abductees, is a lot of times people will say after they’ve been abducted, whenever they get replaced, their clothes are on wrong. and they’re like, assume that the aliens have no idea how clothes work. They just know that, you know, it’s kind of like they don’t pay attention when they get you. And then they just kind of throw things back on you randomly because they knew they were on you, but no one took the time to, you know, map it out, uh, how they were on you. So your shirt’s backwards or your underwear is on the outside of your pants. Sock puppets. Yeah, whatever. And then they send you back down. So that’s interesting. But,
But Travis Walton, to this day, he does talks. And to this day, he still talks about his story and says that this really happened. Oh, you got to take him at his word until you can figure out otherwise. That’s a long time. That’s a long time to be going along with a logging scam. Like going to the moon, right? The same thing. They put that story on for 70 years. the Artemis? You don’t think the artemis went to the moon, job It was all in a hollywood studio everybody yeah that’s a whole other that’s a whole other show that’s a whole other show so what if it was you and you got abducted and you were in put yourself in travis’s shoes what do you what do you what do you do
Would you try to convince people? Would you say, ah, I’m just joking, just joshing you? Or how would you handle a situation like that? Yeah, I mean, I’d definitely try to party with the aliens and see if I could push some buttons on the ships and stuff. But when I came back down, I would keep that story going. It’s definitely even if nobody believes you or thinks you’re crazy, you can talk all about that at every party you go to for the rest of your life. You got yourself a story and people can decide on their own if they believe you or not. But If he believes it, he knows what happened, and he’s going to continue telling that story, not suppress it, then good for him. Live your best self. Well, hey, look at that. So you would do that then. You basically would cash this in for free drinks. Oh, yeah, for the rest of my life. You never have to buy a drink again. I didn’t even think about that. That’s another bonus. I’d be like, hey, aren’t you Jeff that got abducted out in the woods?
And you’re like, hey, buy me a beer. I’ll tell you all about it. I’ll tell you all about it. And then they try to pin murder on me. Can you believe that? That’s right. They try to say, I murdered myself. Yeah. How does that work? Yeah, Travis did it, see? You’re going to have free, what was it, Parmesan, no, Primati Brothers sandwiches for life. That’s right. I always say, get the pastrami. It’s the best one. I’ll bring that picture back up here if I can. Guess the flavor of sandwich. Yeah, there we go. Let me fill that back up there. Ignore the J.D. Vance business, but just look at the sandwich. That’s the pastrami I can tell by the dark edges on the slice. Oh yeah, there you go. Look at that. Primanti, there is a small theater in Tarraton that needs some sponsorship. That’s right. I think that you could
you know, pretty much get it for a song. Really? Yeah. Yeah. I think even with inflation, I think they’re still only around like eight bucks. Yeah. See, you might be able to, maybe you can head sell sandwiches out of there too. So, so Jeff, hang on for just a second. We’re going to hear from a couple of people and then we’ll wrap it up here. All right. Is it Travis? What in the bloody hell is Mondo Frico? And why would I listen to it? Hi, I’m Robert from State of the Unknown Podcast. You’re listening to Mondo Freako. Mondo Freako. There you go. A lot of Mondo Freako talk there. It’s the talk of the town. Talk of the town. Talk of Kecksburg, they say. The acorn, that’s right. So everybody, check out Padooty. Padooty in the news. If you’re
in the area, you know, utilize the space. It’s there for the taking. Well, not the taking, but the renting. You can try you could you could rent you could rent it and you could do, uh, um, you know, um, role-playing games with your friends across the country. Hey, that can work. I’ll reposition have you thought about that. No, I’d love to do it. You give me an idea, I can make it happen. Let’s figure it out. I know there’s a place. I live in a little town. I don’t live in St. Louis proper. I live outside of it, but the little place in town is basically just like a role-playing place. They sell games, and you can go there and play. We have a place in the town next door. The town next door is the birthplace of aluminum. It’s where Alcoa was founded, and they have a
It’s called the feisty goblin. And they do like these tournaments on the weekend with like 80 to a hundred people that all buy like these special packs to play a certain version of a certain game. And they’re crushing it. They’ve built, they’ve built a really nice business. So I’ll take some of that spillover. Yeah, there you go. So, I mean, find out, you know, they hate magic, the gathering or something, then you become the magic, the gathering place. So that’s right. I don’t know which one they hate. You’ll have to figure that one out. Like I’ll do like choose your own adventure. There you go. There you go. And by the way, and you see those seats behind Jeff, one of them, or maybe more than one underneath coupon for a sandwich, free sandwich. You got to find, you got to be there. You got to be there. You got to sit to play. Well, Jeff, thank you very much for doing this tonight. I hope you had some fun. I did. And everybody check out for duty.
And Padootie in the news. And, you know, make sure you Padootie at least once a day for your health. It’s the best one. Four out of five dentists recommend having a Padootie.

THE LEMENT DELUGE

A 90-Minute Action Spectacular

CHARACTERS

• BOB LEMENT (50s): A former combat engineer turned survivalist.
• SARAH (30s): A local hydrologist trapped at the estate.
• THE HORDE: A swarm of reanimated corpses.
• THE PACK: A school of 200+ aggressive bull sharks.

ACT I: THE BREACH (0:00 – 30:00)

EXT. LEMENT ESTATE – NIGHT The Lement Estate is a fortress of iron and concrete nestled against a massive, government-built flood wall. Rain lashes down.

Bob Lement patrols the perimeter. He spots the “Shamblers”—the undead—emerging from the treeline. He engages with a suppressed rifle, thinning the numbers.

INT. LEMENT ESTATE – CONTINUOUS Sarah, hiding in the basement monitoring station, screams as a tremor hits. The pressure gauges hit red.

SARAH Bob! The wall! The integrity is failing!

EXT. FLOOD WALL – MOMENTS LATER Bob races toward the wall as it buckles. The concrete shrieks. With a sound like a thunderclap, the wall shears open. A massive, high-velocity surge of river water pours through, sweeping the incoming zombies away instantly.

But as the water clears, the real terror emerges. Dark, muscular shapes launch themselves through the breach. Bulls. Dozens of them, surfing the floodwater toward the house.

ACT II: THE FEEDING FRENZY (30:00 – 75:00)

EXT. THE SUBMERGED YARD – CONTINUOUS The house is now an island in a raging, man-made river. The zombies that survived the impact are trying to wade toward the porch.

A Bull Shark breaches the surface, its massive jaws snapping a zombie in half at the waist. The water turns into a chaotic churn of grey flesh and rotting limbs.

INT. SECOND FLOOR – CONTINUOUS Bob and Sarah watch from the balcony.

BOB They’re not just eating the dead, Sarah. They’re patrolling.

SARAH They’re trapped in the estate grounds because of the sediment berms! They’re hungry and they’re confined!

ACTION SEQUENCE: Bob and Sarah must move from the house to the reinforced workshop (a detached structure) to activate the emergency pumps. To get there, they have to navigate a catwalk above the water.

Sharks jump, snapping at their boots. Zombies grab at the catwalk supports. Bob uses a high-powered spear gun—designed for shark defense—to pin sharks to the mud while Sarah uses a flare gun to ignite floating debris, creating a “fire moat” to deter the predators.

ACT III: THE FINAL FLOOD (75:00 – 90:00)

EXT. THE WORKSHOP – NIGHT They reach the workshop, soaked and exhausted. The water is rising.

BOB If I open the secondary sluice gates, we can draw the water and the predators out into the low-lying basin. But I need someone to manually crank the intake valve inside the tunnel.

SARAH That’s underwater, Bob!

BOB (A grim smile) I’m a combat engineer. I’ll make it breathe.

Bob dons a makeshift rebreather. He dives into the churning, shark-infested hell. Underwater, the scene is visceral: a strobe-light effect of lightning illuminating sharks circling, teeth flashing.

Bob reaches the valve. A massive Bull Shark, scarred and blind in one eye, charges. Bob uses his diving knife, driving it into the shark’s gill slit. He turns the valve.

THE CLIMAX The suction is immense. The water—and the sharks—are dragged violently through the drainage tunnels. The zombies are swept away in the wake.

The water recedes, leaving the estate a graveyard of shark teeth and shredded remains.

EXT. LEMENT ESTATE – DAWN Bob crawls back onto the porch. Sarah pulls him up. They look out at the landscape, now quiet.

BOB Think that’s the end of it?

SARAH (Looking at the dark water) Nature has a long memory, Bob.

FADE TO BLACK.

Bob blames Miles for the terrible movies being made for the streaming services, while Miles pitches a film idea where Bob gets killed by zombies and maybe sharks.

Bad Movies

Bad AI Transcript

Don’t what? Don’t tongue touch it. Hey everyone, this is Miles with Static Radio. I think each week you get more and more awkward. You mean in real life or on the show or? Well, yeah, all the way around. All together. Hello, everyone. This is Miles. Hi. Hi. Yes. I’m a noon teen. Yes, I’m Miles. I have candy in my pocket. Yes. Just in case anybody needs a butterscotch disc, I got you covered. Or a hat with three corners. What are you, like a reenactor or something? I’m reenacting. I like this show. You’re on one tonight. Last night, we’re off our usual schedule. Last night, Miles sends me a text early, which I don’t check my text at night. Can you show up and feel a good guy headache? Yeah, I had a headache. Oddly enough, it was only words, text, but I could hear the voice. Can you do a good headache move? Yeah.
So we’re off our schedule, but that’s fine. The response was weird, though. It was like, that’s okay, honey. We can do it later. Yeah, I kissed you on the forehead. I know. I’m like, this is getting weird. I’m like, you know what? I’m never going to text him again. This is so uncomfortably weird. I’m like, no, I don’t. I kissed you on the forehead, took your temperature. And not by mouth either. No, I just kissed you on the forehead. Yeah, okay. I’m uncomfortable. It’s okay. It’s okay. I said, Miles, it’s all right. It’s all right. You could be ill with a migraine. My doctor is Christopher Walken, I guess. That’s right. That would be awkward. I have the cure. Do you have one?
You take that watch. It’s called gold infusion. Oh. It’s like a suppository. Anyway. Yeah. I’m feeling good. I’m okay. I’ll be all right. You know, I don’t feel good. I just, I don’t know. I got really bad bong bong in my head. It goes bong bong, you know what I mean? I just didn’t have a story. I was like, fuck it. I don’t have no story. Yeah, that’s why I’m going to call in sick. I’m calling in. It’s just like real life. I’m calling in sick. I’m calling in sick. So here we are. I did the best I could, for Christ’s sakes. There we are. Here we are. So I blame you. Yeah. At this point, even though it really wasn’t your fault because this happened before you canceled. Yeah. Well, it happens after you canceled, but before I knew you canceled. Right.
So on Sunday night… Yeah. Now, my wife is going to be so mad when she hears me talking about this, but… There’s this new Netflix show, which is like the number two Netflix movie or something called Thrash. Have you seen this? It’s about sharks or something. Yes. It has Academy Award winner Damone… whatever his last name is. I can’t even say it. Uh, he was an Amistad. He’s been in lots of things, right? Very well trained, very good actor in this movie called thrash. Right. In which in North Carolina, I believe it is a, uh, hurricane hits ground and, but, breaks all the levees and bull sharks invade the small town on the coast and start eating people. Okay. Cause they didn’t flee when they were instructed to. And so now they’re stuck, you know, trying to survive the flood. Yeah. And we follow three, we have like three, four main stories, I guess. Right. Yeah.
One of them is an abusive foster parent or parents. Yeah. One is the Demones. He’s a shark. By the way, he is a shark researcher. Conveniently. Conveniently, yes. Well, he does have an air about him, so I would buy that. He’s a very believable shark researcher. Okay. He is an Oscar winner, for Christ’s sake. Yeah. And his niece is stuck. She did not leave. And so he’s on his way to see her. And then we have this pregnant woman who works at a meatpacking plant. Yeah. This is important. Okay. Who has been abandoned by her loser boyfriend. And she’s stuck. He used to work at the meatpacking plant as well. I bet. And so now she’s stuck in this little town being the receptionist or something at the meatpacking plant. She’s like fully pregnant. Yeah. Now, the reason the meatpacking plant plays into it is because a tanker full of blood is
conveniently gets tipped over and all this blood’s in the water. Yeah. Now, most people, I’m assuming, have never worked at a meatpacking plant. And I know you have. That’s right. I have never seen a tanker A tanker, a tanker truck full of blood. Do you know how much fucking blood that is? Oh, my God. That’s a lot of fucking blood, dude. I have never, ever. No, there was no blood truck. I would have remembered that. Blood truck. Blood truck, sir. Wait, did he say food? Did he say food truck or blood truck? Because I’m hungry. A tanker. A tanker. In the defense of Damone, who again is an Oscar winner, he did a really good job. And I must say that the effects in this movie were quite good. Now, is this a movie or a series? It’s just a movie on Netflix. I’m assuming that Netflix…
has shifted solely to the algorithm. And they’re like, what do people, they type it in, you know, what do people want to see? Sharks eating Hicks. Oh, why not? Yeah. Why not? Oh my God. You know, everything was telegraphed. Um, I mean, the effects are good, but, Yeah, it just… Wasn’t there something like this a few years ago, kind of the same idea, kind of, but it was like alligators or something? Yeah, it could have been, yeah. Maybe they just recycled that script. I don’t know. I mean, yeah, okay. So I watched that on Sunday. I’m getting to the part where I blame you. I watched that on Sunday because my wife was like, she loves shark movies, and I go, I looked at it, I read the description, I go, this does not
very good. But it does have an oscar winner in it. And so we watched it, and it was mildly entertaining, but obviously very flawed uh this lady gives birth to a baby, and then she’s surrounded in her own blood oh great god in the in the murky water that uh anyway she’s wait a minute the shark the shark bites through the umbilical cord? no no uh that’d been funny. I think damone or his buddy, his other shark researcher buddy, cut the umbilical cord anyway yeah yeah chris rock am i supposed to do this? No, yes, Chris. Oh, my God. So, anyway, she has a baby in this nasty ocean, you know, fresh ocean water murk. Yeah. And it survives, you know. Yeah. That was, yeah. But, I mean, all in all, it was a fairly tight movie, I’ll be honest with you. Yeah. So, then I watched that, and I’m like, you know, this is the low point for my
movie watching experience for the next month or something. Yeah. So then on, on Monday night, there’s this movie on Amazon called balls up for this. No, I don’t know anything about this. It’s got Mark Wahlberg and the, uh, fat guy from, uh, what was he in? Fluffy. Huh? Is it fluffy? No, no. Walter something. I can’t remember his full name now. He’s got three names anyway. He’s kind of like a thing right now. He’s in all these movies. He’s this kind of fat guy. And so, yeah. And they work for a condom company who is pitching a condom that covers your nuts to the world cup. Because apparently there’s no more, uh, the highest use of condoms at one event is the world cup. And it becomes like a really, really bad Bing Crosby, Bob Hope road movie where they go to the world cup.
and cause chaos and get captured by a drug lord and then are hunted down by Brazilians because that’s all that happens in Brazil. And I thought it couldn’t get any worse, but it did. It was really, really bad. You get to watch Mark Wahlberg eat a condom full of balls up, a condom with extra… material to cover your nutsack, full of cocaine in front of Sacha Baron Cohen. Okay. And, I mean, he deep throats this condom, which is very phallic when it’s full of cocaine. Yes. And Paul Walter Hauser, I think, is the guy’s name. They both basically, in an extended scene… are forced to swallow these condoms full of cocaine because Sasha Bear Cohen wants to see if they can be useful to him in his drug smuggling ring. Okay. He doesn’t want a condom that’s going to break in people’s stomach and kill them, right? Right, right. And so, yeah. So now we have to watch Marky Mark and Paul Walter Hauser deep throat these
condoms full of cocaine because neither one of them can choke it down. It’s like a hilarious kind of thing. If I would have bet money, I would have never bet on two A-list actors deep-throating condoms. If only it had Walton Goggins in it. Yeah. I don’t think Walton got, he probably passed on this. I’m thinking. Him and his pearly whites be like, nah, I ain’t going to do that. Yeah. It was, uh, it was probably one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen in my life. So the shark movie rate above it. Yes. The shark movie was better. No kidding. Yeah. And my wife kept, she’s the one who picked it. She goes, She goes, Oh, let’s, let’s watch this one. This funny movie balls up or whatever. And I go, okay, we’ll watch that. And then we’re watching it. And then she’s like, why are we still watching this? And I’m like, I don’t know. You picked it. And she’s like, well, we can turn. I like, no, we’re going to stuff her through it at this point. Oh no. I want to see. I started it. And so now I’m going to go all the way to the end of this stupid ass movie.
Okay. These guys had to lose a bet or like they, somebody’s got incriminating pictures of them or i don’t know what’s going on, but this, this movie is not a vehicle that you would want to sign up for willingly. I don’t think you wouldn’t even do it. I don’t, I would, I, how do i figure into this? That’s what i don’t get. How do I, because you canceled last night. And so i was supposed to watch this movie, but i kind of watched it anyway. So, Oh, I’m blaming you because I need to place blame somewhere other than myself. I see. I see. I see. And if I can’t blame, I can’t blame myself. So I have to blame someone. I can’t blame my wife, even though you don’t. Yeah. Yeah. You don’t have this. Yeah. Okay. And I made you watch the shark movie too. Apparently. No, no. The shark movie was solely our own decision. Now that it was better than the balls up.
I’ll watch the shark movie three times. Yeah. Way better movie. I’m wearing this suit made out of meat. Holy shit. Lady Gaga comes straight from an awards ceremony. She gets accidentally knocked out of her hovercraft into the water and gets chewed up by bull sharks. Yeah. I might watch that. You have to watch it. It gets even better because it’s like the middle of the movie, Damone is looking at a tracker, and he’s like, oh, here’s the biggest great white in the area is heading to that town. Oh. And the great white does figure… I won’t spoil it, but the great white… Yeah, don’t spoil it. Yeah, you… This one you should watch. The ball’s up. I’ll spoil everything. They eat a condom. They get shot at. They eat a crocodile or an alligator. It’s just one embarrassing… I can’t believe they even did this movie. It’s got to be so embarrassing. It was just… Who told them it was that funny is beyond me. It’s just not funny. It was just
Maybe I’m cringy. Maybe on paper it was funny. I dare you to watch that movie and come back here and tell me you liked it. I don’t really want to commit to that. Maybe. I’ll give it a maybe. I’ll give it a maybe. I don’t know. Balls up on Amazon. I don’t want that on my history. I don’t think so. it’s like the number one streaming movie on Amazon. Good for everyone who watched it. I don’t know. It’s crazy. I just, again, another one of these algorithm based movies that they’re making these days where they’re like, what are kids like? Oh, kids like a bunch of cocks in rubber really okay And we can’t show the nuts. Okay, we’ll just say that the condoms covers the nuts. Okay. I don’t know. It was the most bizarre thing. And then I watched the whole fucking thing, and I hate myself for it. You were hoping it would be like Boogie Nights. Like, I hope they show his wiener. No, I knew it was supposed to be a comedy. I thought it could be kind of funny. But it’s almost, I mean, you watch it.
And I could literally see where it was supposed to be funny. And it just didn’t meet your high standards. Well, no, it didn’t meet anybody’s standards. I can’t imagine that there’s anybody who’s laughing at this movie. Yeah. I mean, unless you’re like super duper high and not paying attention to the world. Yeah, it could be. This presentation brought to you by… Wahlburgers. That’s right. Wall gummies. Wall gummies. Yeah. No, it was just, oh my God. I mean, I’m just amazed. I’m just like, I was in. You’re a little traumatized by this movie, I think. Holy cow. More so than the shark one. I thought the shark one was going to, no. Yeah. Way worse. Way worse. Oh my God, I’m having my menses. I’m only assuming that Damone got offered both of these and he’s like, I’ll take the fucking shark move. Wait, I gotta do what? I’ll just ride around in a Zodiac and chase down sharks. They get rescued by a helicopter with Tracy Morgan. Yo, yo, yo. That’d be funny. I’m throwing down the ladder. Pick it up.
tracy morgan i’ll show my shaft, not my balls. I’d watch your tracy morgan with it. He’s funny. Yeah, well, he’s funny no matter what yeah yeah he’s funny man oh god that’s shock oh my gosh. Oh, God damn it. Stupid stink bug. Anyway, what’s going on with you? It’s in my mouth. Stay back. You know, I get weird ideas sometimes. I was trying on condoms the other day, and I thought, wouldn’t it be great? What if this was full of cocaine? What if it covered my testicles? You have a lot of weird ideas? You know, I don’t… ideas or songs, sometimes movies. I’m very creative, but not in a good way. If I could coin a term, you are lazily creative. Yes, I am. You’ll have the idea, but you won’t do anything with it. I know. I had another one too. I go, based on Bob’s current
living conditions wouldn’t be funny to do, like, a zombie movie of people attacking your house? Like, zombies and stuff. Why would you What? Why would you oh yeah no because i thought it’d be funny, because, like, your wife’s, you know, kind of wheeling around a little bit. You know, she’s injured. She’s got to try to outrun zombies with one leg you know and you’re you know you you’re kind of melted to your couch. You’re like, I can’t get off You know, they’re like, you know, they’re breaking into your, your compound. You live in, you know, they’re climbing the walls to get to you. And you’re like, no, not the internet, please. Thank God. I put all those broken glass bottles on top of the wall. Yeah. I don’t know. I just, I don’t know why I had this kooky idea. Wouldn’t that be funny? You know, but it’s really actually about your life though, too. How’s, how’s it about my life? Okay. I didn’t want to do this, but okay. There’s a little bit of a fire.
myself oh you know yes i’m just saying, okay, I’m not saying i would want that, but i’m just saying, you know, like, it could be, like, kind of based on your life a little bit, you know you know kooky stuff that only, like, inside people know about you you know you’re trying out right happen while the zombies are here yeah right yeah like like you have to flee the house, and you’re like, oh You’re getting your little Ford Fiesta, your family and stuff. Yeah, my Ford Fiesta. Y’all leave and stuff. I don’t know why. I thought that would be such a funny zombie movie. What was I going to call it? Working title? Middle-aged man defeats zombies or something. I don’t know. I don’t know. Middle-aged zombie. Yeah, I don’t think anyone would enjoy this movie, but God, I go, God, that sounds interesting. That already sounds better than Balls Up.
Yeah, I don’t know. Because your wife’s laid up. I just thought that’d be funny with her trying to escape the zombies on crutches. She’s falling down. Yeah. Oh, geez. That’s funny. You get punched in the nuts again. Oh, my God. All right. Well, I don’t know. I wasn’t saying it was a good story. I just thought I had an idea. I think that you should pitch it to Netflix or Amazon. They’ll probably make the damn thing. But then there’s a flood, and guess what shows up? Sharks. Yeah. I’m going to have to rework this idea. Now that you mentioned this whole shark thing, I’ll have to change it up a little bit. When sharks like to eat zombies, wouldn’t it be great if the zombies were attacking the town, the hurricane comes in, floods the town, the zombies are eating people as well as the sharks are eating the people and the zombies.
Middle-aged man versus zombies versus sharks. Oh yeah. Now. Yeah. We can bind a few things. Oh shit. We might get a tornado too. Shit. Oh my God. Oh no. Oh my Lord. Yeah. What do you think? Nobody’s tried it yet. As far as I know. And, like, you don’t have, like, any weapons at home, so you’re, like, totally screwed. You’re like, oh, shit. Oh, no. Oh, my God. What am I going to do? I’ll go into my panic room. Yeah. I’ll get on the internet. But I’ll be filling up with water because of the flooding and the sharks. Honey, I have to do a podcast. I’ll be out in an hour, and then we’ll fight the zombies. Yeah. But I told him I’d be there for him. You promised him I’d do his show. We’re going to talk about Bigfoot. They’re in the UK, for Christ’s sake. I can’t let them down. It’s midnight there. I have to do it. That’s right. Yeah, okay. See, I’m telling you. You could write about your own life. You know, your own life. I’m judging a comedy contest. These kids need me. Yeah.
Is that what you’re saying? Yeah. I don’t know. I just have an idea. If only you would, if only you would write it. I don’t know if you, your family would enjoy. I have an idea. We’re going to, we are going to take the lazily creative miles title to the next level. I’m doing it right now. You’re ready. Yeah. Go ahead. I’m going to attach this to the show so people can actually read this script. So, uh, write a script where Bob Lament Bob Lament’s house is attacked by zombies. As the zombies are attacking. The flood wall gives way. Letting hundreds of bull sharks loose in the area. The bull sharks start eating the survivors. Mm-hmm. Oh, how do you spell survivors? And the zombies. Please make it a 90 minutes. Oh, God. Action spectacular. There you go. Any more? No, that’s it. All right. And do, do, do.
titanic Chaos, the lament Estate. That’s the name of it. You know, I thought of a shot we could do. The zombies are riding the sharks like horses. Uh-huh. Right? Right, okay, yeah, there you go Yeah, hell yeah. Are there a lot of bull sharks in the Mississippi River, though? There is a movie out on the streaming called Mississippi River Sharks. Hmm. Okay. Maybe we’d have to put it down in Louisiana or something, make it a little more believable. Yeah. It’s not doing a very good job of making this script. We need realism in this movie. We can’t just half-ass this, you know? Here we go. Act one, the breach. Exterior, Lamenta State, night. The Lamenta State is a fortress of iron and concrete nestled against a massive government-built flood wall. Bob Lament patrols the perimeter. He spots the shamblers, the undead, emerging from the tree line. He engages with a suppressed rifle, thinning the numbers. I’ll stick this on to the website.
The Shamblers. The Shamblers. It’s not a full script, but it’s pretty darn good here. It’s better than I could write it. Yeah. Well, thank you, AI. Thank you, fellow travelers. It ends with you climbing Monk’s Mound at Cahoka. Oh, now you’re getting to it. Yeah. Well, no, that’s how it ends. That’s the highest peak you can go to. You’re like, oh, my God. All right. Yeah, that would be. Well, no, actually, the highest peak would be the garbage pile. Yeah. The dump. It’s right across the way from Monk’s Mound. Blame Bob Lament will be Jason Statham. Yeah. Oh, there’s shocks. It has the people. So it says Bob Lament, 50s, a former combat engineer turned survivalist. Mm hmm. Sarah, in her 30s, a local hydrologist trapped at the estate. Hydrologist. Hydrologist. Okay. And their boy, Elroy. There you go. I’m sure everybody will love it. It’s a pretty great version of the script, but I’ll stick it out there. I’m liking it. Yeah, I know. That’s been written better than I could. There you go. You know how we got this house so cheap? It’s butted up against the…
The Mississippi flood wall. Oh, yeah. That’s what I say. It’s a problem. Yeah. Oh, I hate sharks.

——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-

Miles helps Desiree with a personal issue, while Bob changes his ordering procedure.

Bottle Service

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, did you happen to see the most beautiful girl in the world? And if you did, oh, she crying, crying, hey. I’m lying here with Linda on my mind. Hey everyone, this is Miles. Is that Conway Twitty? Yes, Conway Twitty, yeah. Are you a Twitty, what do they call those, Twitty Titties? What do they call those women that like Conway Twitty? I didn’t know it existed, but I guess. Back in the day. I see. something like that. They had some kind of, you know, funny name for them. Uh, not where i came from, but okay. Yeah. Really? I was really, you know, those women with the like bleach blonde, tall hair, you know, where they had keep going out went out and bought like the leaning tower, a piece of hair for their head. Oh yeah. Yeah. That big beehive kind of bullshit you know yeah well we’re going way back here, folks.
Way back. Way back. Classic. I’ve got to tell you. Welcome, everybody, to the show. We’re glad you’re here. Thanks for listening. Really appreciate it. taking donations for the miles title ER fund. gone so much lately that, you know, he really needs to put in for a, you know. I need some adderall people, so come on, man. If everybody would just, here’s my po box, mail me all your leftover drugs. Yeah, anything. Yeah. That would be like if you remember the soupy sales thing where he said to take Oh, yeah. Yeah, that would be you. You’d be like, I’ll take any. Leftover prescriptions. Yeah. Don’t even have to label them. And breast milk. Yeah. That’d be weird. Yeah. That was a weird thing to say. Yeah. Yeah. Fresh or frozen. I actually saw that on a, like one of those community boards there on something like some days I, I got plenty. So if anyone’s interested. And look, that’s a weird question. Now, would you give your, well, I know you would take it yourself, but would you give your child someone else’s breast milk?
I don’t know how that works. Is that right? I mean, I don’t know. I mean, you give other people milk and that doesn’t seem right. Well, I know. I mean, what if the woman’s a tweaker or something? You know, I don’t know. People call me the space cowboy. Got breast milk on Craigslist. You see some weird stuff sometimes. I don’t know. Some people call me. Miles title. I’m down with the breast milk of love. I like a sippy cup full of bee juice. Oh, I hope my family’s not listening. Please. God. Yeah. If my nephew’s listening, this is all scripted. So if you’re listening, I’d be forced to read this. He’s got blackmail material on me that I cannot shake all the way from my college days. Yeah, basically.
So I’ve been forced to do this all these years because of it. I could not tell my story without… Don’t blame your old Uncle Miles. It’s not his fault. I’m trying to think of… I traveled and you think I would have funny things to talk about. Do you like to go out and eat? I did. Well, this is kind of funny because… Not because it was inherently funny, but I got an out to eat story for you. And you love to judge people. So go ahead. Continue. How’s that breast milk tasting right now? So I was working out of town and I needed to get some food. I did not eat lunch. I skipped lunch because I didn’t. I don’t know. They had this kind of bagel sandwich thing going on. And I was thirsty for a teat. And then they’ll have this stuff all over. I cannot stand my food smeared with other juicy condiments. Like breast milk? Or whatever. Yeah. If you put a little cornstarch in it, you can thicken it up.
Make it into a nice spread. Put a little strawberry into it. It’ll taste great. It’s like quick. I’m like, okay, I’m skipping lunch because they threw all the sandwiches in a big kiddie pool full of mayonnaise or something. I’m like, I cannot. No, I’m not going to have that. It’s not the salad I ordered. And they’re like, Bob, do you want some lunch? I’m like, no, no. You know, there’s always in the movie or whatever where somebody’s not going to touch whatever it is, like shaking their head. No, no, that was me. But Marie, I am awful thirsty. Yeah, and so I skipped lunch. So I was really hungry, but then I had to do an evening thing. So I’ve wanted, I know you’re going to,
Was that like Buffalo Bill’s dance in the Silence of the Lambs? Was that your evening thing where you talk a little and start dancing? That’s right. What size are you? I picture that’s your evening thing. Would you eat mayonnaise? I’d eat a mayonnaise so hard. I’m not eating the mayonnaise. It puts the mayonnaise on the bagel. It’s the lotion in the bagel. I only had an hour to go get something to eat and get back. The problem was this venue was nowhere near anything. I wanted to have a nice salad and a steak. So I drove, they’re both healthy. So, yeah, exactly. So I was, uh, I was sitting there not paying attention, which I should have been and looking up and I’m like, oh my gosh, I could eat a steak and get a salad and a steak here at the hotel. And it’s going to cost me like $60. I know it was a fancy place and I’m like, but there’s an outback about 15 minutes away.
Yeah. So I hightail it to the Outback during my time. Mm-hmm. You know, I’m driving. You know, you hear like Dukes of Hazzard music in the back. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Because I’m down at Lake of the Ozarks, which is already Dukes of Hazzard country. You get to the DV car. Come on. Yeah. So I go screaming into the Outback, and I get seated. And this nice lady comes over is going to be my waitress. And she’s like, well, you want to drink? And so I told her and, um, and then she comes back and she took a little long with the drink. You know what I mean? Sorry. I was almost on the clock here. I got to get out of here. Right. It was a big cup full of breast milk. It took me a little while. I’m sorry. Yeah.
I actually had Coke Zero, which is my new drink of choice. Yeah, go ahead. Because, you know, I love Coca-Cola. But anyway, so she comes back with my Coke, and she’s like, you ready to order? And I’m like, yes. And I go, don’t delay anything. I go, I want it all as quickly as possible. You want an asshole. Jesus. I wasn’t being mean. And she’s She’s like looking at me like, she’s like, you know the salad will come out first, right? Maybe it will. Maybe it won’t. I go, yes. I go, but don’t delay anything. Just put it all in. I don’t care when it comes out. I got to eat and get out of here. And she’s like all confused. Mm-hmm. She’s like, oh, okay. Mm-hmm.
Anyway, she brings me my salad and my bread, which, by the way, they have the best bread. I don’t know what the hell it’s made out of. You know what the secret ingredient is, don’t you? What is it? Brass milk. Yeah, I figured you were going to say that. But anyway, I really confused the hell out of her. And then she did bring me my food fairly quickly. Here you go there, Russian boy. Here you are. And it was actually really quite good. My wife asked me, she’s like, did you send a picture to Miles of your steak? No, I did not. So I think that joke is worn thin now. Yeah. Yeah. But she really was put off by the fact that I wanted to have my food quickly. It’s weird. Bob will send these pictures like, hey, this is from Tiger Tigers. So, you know, I’m like, well, come on, get the fuck out of here with that. So, yeah, but I thought I was being nice, right? I was like, I’m going to try to do this more. I’ll be honest with you. Even though you think I’m an asshole.
Oh, I know you’re an asshole, and I don’t think it. I know it. I know it. I’ve been too polite for too long, and I just need to put it out there the way I want things now into the world. As he makes fun of an old man a week ago on the show, by the way, yeah. Who was the old man? Whoa, whoa, whoa. You guys are out of the restaurant. All these crippled people keep coming. You’re making fun of some old man who probably fought in World War II. He could take you on any day of the week. I wasn’t making fun of him. I’m just saying he’s in better shape than you are. Probably. I’m like, yeah, I think this is the new approach. I’m like, no, I want this. The next night,
I went to one of my favorite pizza places down Lake of the Ozarks called Pappos or Pappos. I don’t know how they say it. And I’m by myself. I go sit at the bar. The waitress comes up. What do you want? Coke Zero. And I got a pizza. And I’m like, I don’t even look at it in the menu. Give me this. And Coke Zero. Boom. She was happy. They both got 20%. Welcome to Areoles. So, you know, I’m just saying. Wow, it looks pretty hot looking. What’s that? Was she hot looking? No, they were just waitresses. I don’t know. Well, it sounds like you got something going on with those ladies at the bar. I don’t know. No, no, no. I’m just saying I’ve taken this approach where I’m not going to the conventional method where you get your drink. I know what I want. I know what I want every time I go in someplace.
I never go anywhere where I don’t know what I want. I look at all the menus online and then I go there. Sometimes I do look at the menus online. But get in there. Get what I want. Get it ordered. Eat it. It’s fantastically delicious. Ate at the bar watching the Masters Tournament on the television. Yeah. And got out of there. The funny thing on that one was when I came in the door, they They have a weird setup. You come into the back of the restaurant at Papo’s. Because the parking lot’s back there. Because down at Lake of the Ozarks, the land prices are sky high. And so everybody’s got some kind of bullshit parking lot going on. So I happen to be just ahead of this herd of children. Out of my way.
That’s right. George Costanza them into the building. I got one hour. So I come in and all these kids are piling in behind me. And the lady who’s doing the hostess lady is like, are you all together? I’m like, no, I’m by myself. I don’t know about these people. I’ll just sit at the bar. She’s like, go right ahead. Yeah. She was trying to lump me in with a bunch of children. I thought you were like the den mother or something. She’s like, I bet you’re, are you breastfeeding? Are you in the wax? Do you need a room to help pump? You take off those glasses. You look like B Arthur. But anyway, yeah. So, I mean, I did go out to eat and had some,
I’ve got a new style now. I’m going to adapt this. This is my new style. I’m not waiting for the niceties of going out to eat anymore. I’m just going to tell them what the fuck I want and then just get it and be done. I bet you’d be all like, give me Uber Eats or something. DoorDash. Well, you know, I have done that in the past. Yeah. Quite a bit. And I got tired of that because well first of all, you know i don’t like DoorDash. Every time they come to get your food, they take it into the bathroom with them. I’ve seen it happen multiple times. I’m like waiting in line at chipotle or something, then this guy comes in he picks up an order, and he heads right to the bathroom. That does not sound right. Yeah. That’s not right.
I was in the suburbs of Chicago. I had witnessed this. I’ve witnessed this here in St. Louis. I’ve witnessed it too much. And I’m like, never, I’m never doing this again. So now, yeah, now I’m, I’m, you know, on the bandwagon to just go out. That’s disgusting. I know. That’s what I thought. I’m like, all these bastards is taking your food into the bathroom with them. Is that why it takes so fucking long to get that shit? They, I mean, I know they got to go to the bathroom, but do that first. I’m going to crap on the clock. Yeah, I know. Wash your hands. So anyway, yeah, I’ve turned over a new leaf. Okay. I’m demanding what I want, and I’m getting it. Listen, you’re like a Jack Nicholson ordering here. Just give me an egg salad sandwich. Yeah, you’re all Mr. Tough Guy. Sure, I don’t understand. Yeah, you’re more Randy Quaid, but anyhow. I don’t know. Randy Quaid. Yeah, that’s me. But yeah, I…
because it worked out so well this time. It worked out great for me. I did that, you know. Actually, I did it all three nights. I ordered like that so i had the fajitas one night, which were fantastic. The heat is in one hour unless it’s free. That’s right. Woofing that shit down. Yeah, I’m different. I was in Kansas City a few weeks ago. I went to an arcade. Yeah. So I’m doing more things. I’m like, fuck it. I’m by myself. Who cares? I’m going. I’ve been trying to get you to do this for a long time. And you’re always like, no, I’ll get in trouble. I can’t, Miles. I’ll get in trouble. Well, apparently I’ve figured it out on my own. Go to a titty bar or something. No, I can’t do that. I can’t do that. Yeah, go ahead. Who’s going to know? There’s a place there in Kansas City on the state line called Breast Milk Bertha’s. You should try it out. Tell them Large Mark sent you. No, so yeah, I’m just doing stuff, but there wasn’t I was going to go play some pinball, but there wasn’t the arcade place closed early because it’s
Not quite seasoned down there yet. I was out of season. I would recommend it to anybody. Just get your order and get done with it. Why dilly-dally? Go see Bob’s favorite waitress at Papo’s. Papo’s, yeah. It was good. There’s more than one Papo’s. That’s a good one. I thought you said Papoose. Papoose. So, yeah. What’s that? Yeah. Okay. Apparently, that’s the name of this show this week. No, it wasn’t as funny. Yeah, it’s not as funny. I went to a restaurant. All the restaurants down here, down here, down in Lake of the Ozarks are all suggestive. Remember, I went to a place called Peckers. Peckers, right. Yeah, Show Me’s is the Doing your mom’s. Yeah. I went to this new one called Bottle Baby.
Oh, that’s funny. Yeah. No, they actually have one. I didn’t get to go to it. It’s like a bar restaurant called Marty birds. If you ever seen the TV show, Ozark, you know, Jason Bateman’s characters named Marty bird. And they actually have a restaurant named after his character. Now they’re like in the Ozarks. I will try to go there and report in at some point. More now. Yeah. Anyway, what’s going on with you? I am taking control of my life. Full speed ahead. Yeah. Getting what I want. Yeah. I’ve become a motivational speaker, too. That’s my new thing. Apparently. Won’t ever want to eat a salad. All you weasley little bastards who can’t order food, I’m here to help you. Salad is good.
Get a nice salad. You’re like the Gordon Gekko of salad. I had a salad tonight. It was fantastic. You love your salad. I do. You do. What’s up with you? So, you know, didn’t really have anything to do this weekend, unfortunately. You don’t like having me. I did absolutely nothing. Have you ever sat around all Saturday and just picked your ass? uh pretty much. Yes. And so, uh, my wife and her best friend, like just to compare like physical ailments and whatever you ever get on this contest. because I mean, I think you can keep up. No, I don’t, I don’t have any friends. I mean, you’re my kind of friend, I guess, but right. because I only show up once a week and then i don’t even ask you about anything yeah basically yeah like oh okay whatever
And they always have, you know, something going on. Either they’re stressed out or headaches or whatever. Sometimes my head hurts. Sometimes my stomach hurts. Mm-hmm. Whatever. Yeah. My neck and back is aching. My sight and hearing is fading. I just can’t get it up. Yeah. Yeah. All that, you know. I’m an adult now. So I hear her talking to her best friend, Desiree, for a while. Oh, Desiree. And she gets off the phone. She goes, wow. I go, what’s wrong? She goes, man, she’s really worried about herself. Really? I’m like, what’s wrong? She goes, she hasn’t pooped in four days. What? My God, you can barely walk without pooping. I’m like, what? Yeah, she’s getting concerned. I go, I would be at the doctor’s office after like seven hours. I’d be like, there’s something wrong with me.
There is something wrong with me. If I don’t wake up and poop, there’s something wrong with me. Right? Yeah. No, I’ve had to poop like the middle of the night sometimes. Oh, really? Not all the time, but yes, occasionally. Once in a while. Yeah, four days is a little extreme. Does she just want to eat or something? And I know she goes regularly because she used to come, especially stop by her house just to relieve herself. Oh, because she had a bathroom that she was comfortable in. Basically, like, she’d be out and about, and she’s like, oh, well, I know where i can go. I don’t have to go to, you know some you know food place or the big box store. I’ll just go to miles’s house and, you know, burn it up in there and you know what she hasn’t done in a while, thank god really yeah well because she’s not pooping, that’s why. I guess. No, I’m like, wow. I mean, I was really concerned. I wasn’t even like, wow. You know, like, usually i’d be like like uh
I got a long finger here. There are ways to handle that. I can fish something out of there. I’m sure. Yeah. No, I was trying to make jokes. I go, because then they were like texting each other. I’m like, tell her that she’s having too much, you know, butt sex or something. Right. And, uh, so this goes on the back and forth, all this. Now she’s thinking about going to the ER. Oh my God. I’m like, wow. Holy cow. She can go buy a fleet enema for like, Five bucks or something. I don’t know if she’s aware of what that is. I mean, you practically, it’s like a hobby. Nah, one time. I wasn’t in college either, by the way. Was it before college? I experimented. Apparently, she did go to a small ER somewhere in the area.
And, uh, was told, yeah, there’s nothing wrong with you. They’re like, is ned ZR? What’s your problem? Well, yeah, it was more like the vet, you know, it’s a vet, you know, we do oil changes on the north side. And, uh, it was kind of like your uh your your father-in-law you know, he was kind of like this back room, you know, uh, yeah. Yeah. He’s spayed and neutered. Animals, uh, on the side. Yeah. On the down low yeah yeah and uh yeah guy and so some guy named Dr. Fred, you know, looks her up there ain’t nothing wrong with you ain’t nothing wrong with you ain’t full of let me uh get my spy scope and take a look up there. So what did she finally poop or no?
So after she goes to the ER, she gets home and guess what happens? All hell breaks loose. She poops. Oh, okay. After four days. That’s a lot. And, uh, so my wife’s talking to her. She’s hearing the good news. I go, well, just tell her that we were praying for her asshole. You know, some great. Yeah. Yeah. Well, she’s going to live. She’s going to live apparently. So, That’s weird. How long have you ever gone without pooping? Oh, God. I can’t even imagine. Oh, God. I go every day. More than once? Oh, yeah. Definitely more than once. I’m pretty much a once a day guy. But you go every day though, correct? There’d be no way you would like… Well, you know, like for instance, because I was traveling, I skipped a day.
because when you, anyway, when you travel, you get a little bit off schedule. Yeah. Yeah. But normally once a day, but yeah, if I, if I’m, you know, running around or whatever, sometimes I’ll skip a day, but not very often. Like I was a kid. I was like that. Like I couldn’t go for a while. You know, I was like, like we travel somewhere. Like I can’t go. Yeah. Well, yeah. You know, adults like pull over, pull over, pull over. Yeah. Just hang your ass out the window. Yeah. So I’m better. Yeah. You should be excessive. Oh God. How a lot of good salad. Uh, she eats, uh, she has an unusual diet. Yeah. She has a weird diet. I don’t know. Press milk.
Oh, I thought the show was going to end. I was letting the air. It can end. No, I just thought that would be a funny ending. Well, we can make it the ending. Here we go. Breast milk.

——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-

Bob finally sees the world as it is and gets punished for it, while Miles just wants to watch an Easter classic movie with zombies.

Amigo Punch

Bad AI Transcript

you to get thirsty in the middle of the show for christ’s sake yeah exactly Thank you. What are you drinking tonight, sir? Tea. Sweet tea? Sweet tea. Stevia? Yeah. Sugar? No, it’s artificial flavor. Just checking. Just checking. Nope. Let’s check in. Oh, my Lord. Yeah. Lordy, lordy, lordy, lordy. Easter’s over now. Yeah, happy Easter. 2026, if you’re keeping track. Here comes Peter Cottontail, hopping down the bunny trail. Hippity-hoppity, Easter’s on its way. Right up, up, up. Bring in all the girls and boys. Baskets full of Easter toys. Until Miles Title shoots his head away. Huh? I don’t know. You’re violent. You got a shotgun for Easter. You’re going to use it. Yeah. That’s all. Yeah. So the… The foot healing continues over here at the Lament Household. Yeah, how’s the cripple doing? She’s doing good. I will tell you, discrimination is alive and well in this country. You just now figured that out? Yeah.
Uh, very discriminatory behavior. So for whatever, well, we went, my daughter was in town for easter and we went out to dinner, you know, we’d like to go out to dinner oh yeah and uh there’s a whole conversation because my wife is somewhat incapacitated currently with her foot surgery. about how we were going to get the young lady to the venue and get her into the venue and get her seated. It’s very packed. It’s a very busy place. The tables are close together. It’s a very popular place that we like to go. There’s a lot of concern about getting her in and out. It’s kind of like a high-level… kind of Secret Service-y, presidential-coordinated kind of a situation here. Right. And so we made a plan.
and executed it perfectly. And we’re in… So they have all these little rooms, right? It’s like this restaurant with all these rooms full of tables where people sit and eat, you know. They’re fantasy rooms. It’s not like a… No, it’s not like a big open space. A lot of… It’s really like a house. And, like, we were in a room with a fireplace. I don’t know. Welcome to the large cock room. And… You’re stuck in the gutter tonight, aren’t you? Oh, I am. Okay. So we get her seated and everything and everything’s good. She’s in a place where she can’t get run into by other people or anything accidentally or anybody kicking her foot or anything. Right. Protected. We’ve got our escape routes planned.
So anyway, the next thing you know, this old guy comes in with like a walker and sits down at the table next to us. And I’m like, well, and then we were giggling, you know, because they’re like, oh, this is the handicapped room. Let’s make fun of the man who lived through the Holocaust. That’s right. Let’s make fun of him. Holocaust Bill, he survived and here he is as a steakhead. I hope not. He’s just an old guy, had a walker. And so my daughter and I kind of looked at each other and we’re like, I guess this is where they’re putting all the people with disabilities. And then, no wonder we said that, another guy comes in on a little scooter thing. Yeah. And then another. And literally everyone around us
It was incapacitated in some way, shape, or form. They bring in some guy in an iron lung. Could you make room, please? Yeah, and then these one people finished and left, and they were replaced by another person with a handicap. Well, you don’t know. And I’m like, is everything else up like a ramp or something or a slide? I don’t… You know? Yeah. I’m like, how can this be? Do they just clump them together? Is this some law in St. Louis? Yeah, I don’t know. If I go to the bathroom, am I going to walk through the Asian room or something like that? No, you can’t go in there. Sorry. Yeah, sorry. This is the hot models room. Sorry. Sorry, sir. No Jews allowed.
All right. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So, yeah, no, it was like it was like everybody was lumped in that room. Yeah. I mean, it was it was spooky because I mean, we were just joking. And the next thing I thought just happenstance that this guy shows up at about the same time, you know. Yeah. No, pretty much. Pretty much a good portion of the room had somebody with some kind of disability. Okay. I’m like, this cannot be happening, honestly. Yeah. And people just kept coming in, and you’re like, oh. Yeah. Well, this place is packed. I’m telling you. Everything had to be timed out perfectly so that we didn’t have to wait a long time to get a table, you know. Yeah. It wasn’t one of those freedom flights, you know, where all those old guys get flown over to. No. John Cena didn’t have a pack of children in there with him eating steaks or anything. John Cena.
This is the wrestler’s room. Yeah. No, this is, this is the, uh, uh, make a wish area. Yeah. Now it gets, it gets better. I got another, uh, story for you. You’re seated in the pool. They don’t eat salad room. No, no, no, no. So we’re, we’re just not about them. This happened tonight. This happened tonight. Yes. So, you know, she has a hard time getting around. So we were sitting, uh, downstairs in our usual spots next to each other in the living room. And she’s getting up out of her chair and grabs a hold of her little scooter thing, her wheelie cart thing, knee scooter. And I’m like, where are you going? And she’s like, oh, I’m going to the bathroom and then I’m going to go upstairs. And I’m like, oh, okay.
Then she proceeds to fall into me fist first. And she cock punched me really hard. Like full body weight on the knuckles right in the crotch. Right in the dick. Yes. Why would she do that? I was leaned back. I was reclined. I was all open. Eyes closed. Yawning. Yeah, so I start screaming. And she’s like, I’m sorry. But then she keeps pushing because she’s trying to get back up on her one good leg. Yeah, right. She’s trying to bounce off your thing. She’s like, ding, ding. She’s pushing herself back up off of my squishy parts. And I’m like, oh, my God. And I’m partially reclined. So I cannot. If I move the recliner. Yeah. I’m not gonna crush your leg or something. I’m like, I can’t move until you get up. And she’s like, I’m like, ah!
And then she starts laughing. And she has to go to the bathroom. You know, I cannot wait to see the cartoon for this one that you’re going to come. I don’t even know how you’re going to show this. Yeah, I don’t know either. Wife punches husband in the dick in the recliner. I don’t know. Blue cat takes it to the dick. Yeah. So then she finally gets to stand up. She’s laughing. She’s like, I’m going to pee myself. I can’t get to the bathroom. Yeah. Yeah. And I’m like, Oh my Lord. I’m not going to survive this operation. Yeah, no kidding. You’re going to be on a walker. Yeah, I’m like, God damn. I had to stand up because she pushed on me so hard that I needed to push everything back out, you know?
everything retracted back in my body. Yes. It was like yeah like a forced turtle. My penis is like a turtle. I was like, Oh my Lord. I had to, you know, walk around a little bit, you know? Oh my God. I’m like, gosh, I’ve, I’ve de-aged. Yeah. A little bit later, and this is totally unintentional, but I had been putting off vacuuming and she finally got upstairs. Everybody was fine. She was laying with her foot elevated and I hit her in the foot with the vacuum hand. Accidentally. Totally accident. Her bad foot? Her bad foot, yeah. Sorry. So anyway, we’re surviving. Oh my God. Barely. Who are those guys from the Muppet Show? Waldorf? Yeah, exactly. Stadler and Waldorf. Yeah, I was like, you guys were like Stadler.
Yeah, it was, it was, uh, but the thing she couldn’t get up, she just kept pushing. Yeah. Oh my Lord. Yeah. Wow. I mean, my kids are all grown up. I haven’t been nutted like that for years where the kids like just run into you you know yeah oh yeah kids love to do that. Yeah. Yeah. Bunch of the nuts. She hasn’t reached that fast for my penis in years. I feel like I’m 18 again. I’m back at McDonald’s. I said, what’s going on? So anyway, what’s going on with you? I got punched in the penis. Did you really? No. For some reason, I think yours would be self-inflicted. That has happened, yes. No, I did not injure myself. Thank God. Injuries here lately. No injuries, no death, nothing. It was holiday weekend, but my kids are grown now and one son had to work and the other one had some other commitments. We really didn’t do much for the holiday. So I thought,
Why don’t I watch a fuck movie? Oh, you, you set me up for that one, mister. I know before, before the show, Bob had mentioned his daughter was in town and she wanted to see a movie. I said, Oh, what an F movie. And he got a little upset by that. And I would joke that his daughter would say those words. So I thought, I’m going to watch a good religious movie. I’m going to watch an old Spanish movie from the early 1970s called The Tombs of the Blind Dead. I’ve never heard of this. It made absolutely no sense at all. Who made it? Alejandro Dronowski? I don’t know. I have no idea. What’s the name of it? I’m going to look it up. I think it’s called Tombs of the Blind Dead. I have something to say here, too. I was going to watch this other movie I saw, but I knew it would have to be English subtitled. I could not find it in subtitles. I thought I might invite… La Noche del Terror Ciego. Yeah.
I know it’s one movie is a war movie. I was going to watch, but I go, I might have to have Miyagi come over here and like translate this movie. I like, no. Okay. So I watched this movie. Absolutely made no sense. It’s totally like nonsensical. I’m like, you know, I was like, this, this makes no sense. Like these, these, these what’s called college kids. So these people look like in their forties. right are gonna like go on to some, some train ride, right. To some coastal thing and uh the middle. And so at night, like, like one woman puts like the moves on the other woman and she’s like whoa whoa whoa i don’t know if we’re having this, you know i don’t know man i don’t know what you searched, did you search, uh, move one moves on oh wait a minute
I’m looking at the story, the information on IMDb for this movie. Yeah. It says rape, bisexual, lesbian interest, graveyard, forces of evil. Yeah. But it’s only rated PG. Yeah. Yeah. It alludes to something more happened, but… Oh, okay. The interesting part, though, is they’re on some shitty old-time train, and the lady who wasn’t really DTF… She literally grabs her bag and jumps off the train. Yeah. Like, see you later, suckers. Just out of the middle of nowhere. I’m like, this makes no sense. This really makes no sense. Right. Weird. And she walks for a while. She goes, I’m just going to spend the night in this old forgotten monastery. Okay. And, you know, so she gets completely like undressed, naked, bare ass naked. But you can’t really see her because they put like fire between the camera and her.
Oh, okay. It’s like it would be a little bit of ass crack and stuff. Hot ass crack, but ass crack nonetheless. And it awakens the dead Knights Templar Knights that are buried there. But the whole movie just makes no sense. You know what I’m saying? It’s just like they spent all the money on the special effects. Well, that’s probably good. these hooded figures, these skeletal figures, and they have horses. I’m like, wait, where would the horses be coming from? Island? I don’t know. I don’t know. I had so many questions, because the horses were kind of all decked out in mid-evening. The horses for the Zorro movie, so we might as well use them here. I’m like, this movie really makes no sense. The woman, they find her body, and she turns into a zombie, and she tries to kill people, and
Is she a sexy zombie at least? I didn’t find her to be sexy. Why in the world would you pick this movie to watch? I thought it might be a good Easter movie. I don’t know. She’s in the morgue and there’s some creepy necrophiliac dude working in the morgue. No one catches on that this dude might be into some weirdness. Yeah. Is this like one of your uncles or something that was in a movie? No, this had nothing to do with the title family. She kills him and then a group of people are like, we’ve got to research this and figure out who killed her. Was it like the thumbnail that got you? What brings you to this movie? I can’t believe you would pick this. I’ve been watching Tubi a lot.
recently. I go, I’m going to be like Bob. I’m going to watch some international… Yeah. You’re always watching some international movie. Like, hey, you want to watch Johnny Depp with me and Chocolat? I’m like, I don’t know. I’ll be like Bob Lament. I’ll watch some cool foreign movie. And I wanted to watch like a war movie, like I say, but I couldn’t get the subtitles to work because I’m like, oh boy. I agree with that. Yeah, I’m fucked. No, my wife even helped. She’s like, fuck it, I don’t know. I’m like, I’m going to watch this fuck movie. Yeah, I need subtitles for this movie. Yeah, yeah. What a bizarre movie. Miles can tell you the word baby, baby in 10 different languages. Oh my God, yeah. Baby, oh baby, baby, baby, go, go, baby. Yeah, so like
People she was traveling with. And I think this is just to like waste time in the movie to get it to 90 minutes. It’s like, we’ve got to find this pirate guy and his slutty girlfriend to come help us. Okay. I’m like, oh, okay. This is a hard left turn. Like, okay. How’d you know she was slutty? Oh, you could tell. You could tell. Come on. She looked like she was in Orlando. In these Spanish language movies, there’s always a slutty private woman. No, she looked like she lived in Orlando. I could tell. No, I don’t know. But yeah, they ended up pretty much all getting killed. And then, I don’t know, like one woman survives and she gets like on the train, but then somehow like the killer zombies get on the train too. And
Oh, wow. It’s train to Busan. Yeah. Next thing you know. Yeah. Right. Next thing you know, the train pulls in like some big city and like everyone’s being killed. And like, that’s the end of the movie. and like, oh, so you brought like all these creepy dead guys, zombies into the, to kill everyone, you know and the sexy pirate woman. Don’t forget her she did not make it pirate woman did the pirate man got eaten and the lady got eaten too, I believe. Oh, nice. Let me ask you a question. You like zombie movies, obviously. A little bit. A little bit. So how do they decide which people get totally eaten and can’t become a zombie and which ones get partially eaten and become a zombie? Yeah, I don’t know. Because I didn’t understand why this lady had to become, like the original lady had to become a zombie. I found that very illegal. Why would she have to be a zombie? Because if they love human flesh, at what point do they stop eating it
and just let that one become a zombie. I don’t know. Like, oh, we only like the, you know yeah like rib meat, so i just eat the ribs. And, uh, then after that, I let him turn into zombie. Oh, God. I don’t know. This one was a little bizarre. I go, this seems like a movie bob would have written, you know? Let’s have a lesbian encounter on the train. And then, you know, I’m all about lesbian encounters. Have a tiff. And then the girl jumps off the train with her, you know, over bag and, she has to get totally nude to put on her PJs, which took like five minutes, by the way. I’m like, ah, okay. The pacing of this movie is a little kooky. Yeah, okay. Well, so what we do is if you had to give it a rating or a score of any kind, what would you… Oh, what’s the top score? Well, you make the scale. I don’t know what your scale is. You give the scale and you can give the score. Out of 10, I would give it…
I mean, it wasn’t the worst movie I saw, to be honest with you. It’s not the worst movie. I’d maybe give it a… With the lesbianism, I’d probably give it like a six, maybe. Anything with lesbianism gets above a five. Yeah, I mean, well, they tried. You know, they tried. They tried. I don’t know. I can’t judge. I didn’t write the movie. I don’t know. Roger Ebert wrote it. Yeah, I don’t know. I just… Beyond the Valley of the Dolls and wrote this one. Just the creepy guy in the morgue, though. No one had picked up that this guy might be into doing stuff. Did your wife watch this with you? No. She was incapacitated at the time. Too many margaritas. Too many Easter margaritas. Easter margaritas, yeah. We get drunk on Easter.
I’m not dying eggs. I’m dying my insides with margaritas. This is the blood of Christ. Yeah, so Tombs of the Blind Dead, you know. Yeah, I don’t think I would. That’s not one that I would watch. Yeah, this probably is not on your international film fest. Yeah, I don’t think so. I’d be very surprised if you actually sat and watched this. You’d be like, I don’t think so. No. I don’t think so. I think that Armando de Sarria, the director, wrote it along with Robert Oliver and Jesus Navarro Caron. Wait, three people wrote it? Yes. Wait. Maybe that explains… It’s so disjointed. Maybe that explains the whole… I’ll write for five minutes, then you write for five minutes. Michael, you’re going to do the pirate guy. Bob, you’re going to do the lesbianism. Miles will be the creepy necrophiliac guy. I don’t think I can write about lesbianism. I’m just saying. You’re just parsing it out.
Well, I know. I mean, you’ve seen a lot of stuff in Decatur. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t know what that means. Oh, every week. Let me tell you about this place I was at one time. You know, the donkey born and these chicks. Every week this guy’s got a story. Is that the Fonz over there? What’s that? Is that the Fonz over there or something? The Fonz? Hey, I’m Bob LeMet. Hey. Oh. Yeah, the Tombs of the Blind Dead. Michael, would you watch Tombs of the Blind Dead in 1972? I’m just coming into the tail end of this, so I’m playing catch up here. Apparently, I’m the drunken pirate over here. Yeah, you’re the drunken pirate. You get to write that part of the script. You’re the writer. People wrote this script, so unbelievable. It’s unbelievable. It can’t be any better than the conversation I just got out of about 30 minutes ago. Yeah. I was talking with a woman. Apparently, the state of Ohio has sexual lingo that I was not aware of.
cunning lingus no and she she basically basically put it down to like three different i guess syllables of it where oh hi oh No wonder Neil Armstrong never left the state very much. Yeah. He was a native Ohioan and lived there his whole life. I thought Bob would tell his Ohio joke. What’s that? Was it round on the ends and high in the middle? Yeah. Apparently, this is her entire act that she does when she does these little mini shows on Twitter where she basically does that. I’m like, does it attract any type of men? She’s like, it just depends on the day. I said, oh. I think Miles is going to be a new fan of this one. Yeah. She speak Spanish? She can if you like her to. Just a Spanish accent. He doesn’t really need the whole duolingo thing. He just needs the, you know. Is she from Orlando? No. She’s from Ohio. Ohio.
Well, I mean, you know, via… She’s from Columbus. Columbus? No, she’s from the industrial area part of it. All of Ohio is industrial, I think. Well, no, this would be Dayton, Ohio, I believe. Cleveland? Dayton? No, Dayton. Dayton, Ohio. Yeah, Air Force Base is over there. Yeah, right. Yeah, I went to… They keep the aliens, right? Patterson Air Force Base. Is it? Yeah. That’s what they say. Oh. But when you… Hold on, Miles. When you… Or was that Bob? When you actually refer to Spanish, are you talking about the actual language of Spanish or Spanglish, where you can understand a little bit? That was your movie, so… Full on. Full on, man. Full on. Full on Espanol. Espanol, yeah. I enjoy speaking Spanish. Yeah. I remember whenever I was hanging out with you up north. Yes. You started speaking Spanish to the store clerk and she didn’t understand you one lick.
I only know dirty Spanish. That’s why. I don’t even know curse words. Well, when the woman is moaning, you can understand anything in English. Oh, my goodness. Hey, Michael, do you have a quick story? Do I have a quick story? Other than that woman that was talking about the Ohio thing, that’s pretty much it. Oh, yeah, I got one. Real quick, you guys were talking about zombies and stuff. We have some sad news regarding the old man. What’s that? Apparently, he was killed off last month in Werewolves the Podcast, which is a show out of UK. He’s like, yeah, they killed me off. I said, well, you’re still here. They didn’t kill you off. Other than that, I don’t really have anything. Is it like a show that you go on and they like Survivor or something? They knock you off or something? Yeah, some kind of cheesy AI garbage. You know, everything is AI today. I think people are kind of running out of material, so they’re just going to the AI stuff. Oh, okay. Miles goes all the way back to 1972 to see a couple of Spanish titties.
There was no titties in this movie. I saw a brief through the fire ass crack. Wait, wait, Miles. If they’re from, you said 1972? Yeah. Oh, those are natural titties. No. Was it a natural ass crack? From what I could see, through the flames. I don’t know. Yeah. Were you playing hot cross buns on your little keyboard? I was feeding the ducks. That’s nice. Yeah. Miles feeds ducks a lot these days. Well, whatever. Favorite pastime. Whatever. Duck feeding. God, it’s only a dream.

——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-

Miles takes in more of the countryside than he expected, while Bob gets bested by a grandma.

Trip Taker

Bad AI Transcript

Yeah, it’s live streaming. Live streaming is on. That’s right. Oh. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Static Show. This is Bob. Closing time. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. Welcome to Static Radio, man. Glad you stopped by. Have a seat. Closing time. I knew that’d get you all down, you know, memory rough. You’d be like, oh, I love that song. I love it. Birth, school, work, death. I don’t know what I’ve been told. That’s the Godfather’s birth, school, work, death. We were having a bunch of old songs tonight we were listening to, which used to be new songs, but now they’re old songs. Thank you very much. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Time flies. Yeah. Time flies. Well, I’m back in the studio, so CB reported in that there was a problem with the show last week, but… Yeah. Yeah, he told me. Oh, okay. You guys chatted, did you? We had our girl talk. Secret passing notes under the desk, were you? We spilled the tea. But the file seems fine, so I don’t know what happened. I clicked on it. I heard the whole show. I heard the whole goddamn thing. I heard my whole story. He’s not very bright. Yeah, well, I don’t know. I think there was something wrong. Yeah, with him. Can’t figure out what’s going on. He’s a mental patient. He couldn’t figure it out. He’s like mental. We’ll see what happens this week and hopefully it’ll all be fine. He thinks he’s a titmouse. Closing time. My friend CB the titmouse. He’s a titmouse. He’s a little titmouse. Is a titmouse just a tiny mouse? I mean, is there really? You know, I don’t know. You just like saying the word tit. Yeah, I know. It’s funny. If only there was an ass mouse. Yeah. I don’t have many story choices this week, and I’m trying to decide which boring ass story I’m going to tell. Yeah, I know. I’m waiting. I’m like, okay, when is he going to throw out the first pitch, man? Come on. Let’s go, man. Closing time. Oh, Christ. One last call for alcohol. Before you… Give me a whiskey or beer. All right. So I talked about my wife last week, so I’ll talk about the aftermath of what happens when my wife is not around. So as you know, and I know you don’t want to hear about this because you always get all weird when I talk about it. I am trying to better myself, and I have gone swimming. I go swimming, right? I’m glad you swim. Oh, thank you. I thought you were going to get weird again for a minute. No, I’m glad you’re doing something with your life, you know, swimming. Yeah, but now usually my wife and I go together. And she’s out of commission, right? So she can’t go swimming. And so I had to go by myself. So I get up. I go to go swimming. And I’m getting prepared. It’s just a bunch of old people. You know, it’s terrible. Okay, I’m getting really upset with this. And you do lap swims. So I’m swimming laps, right? So there’s these lanes, you know. So… Well, no, that’s what they have. That’s part of the exercise, right? So I get there and there’s four lanes open for lap swim. Three of the lanes are taken. Okay. And there’s one lane open. I come in. Nobody else is there. And I’m getting ready to get in the water. I have some earplugs and stuff that I put in. And I’m standing there, and then this old lady comes in the pool area. And I swear she clocks me, right? What? She looks over at me, and she looks out the pool, and there’s only one lane left. Yeah. And that old bitch jumped right in the pool and took it. Mr. Rogel, I used to be the state swimming champion. Let me do it. Was it Shelly Winter from Poseidon Adventures? Yeah, because she’s probably like 75 years old or something. Reverend, let me do it. She makes a beeline and steals my lane. I was already there. I was just trying to get my earplugs in. Yeah, snooze you lose. Now, most people know the etiquette. You know, when you’re there, Then you get the spot, right? No. Oh, no, granny. Right in the water, right over to my spot. I didn’t see you. Then I had to swim in the non-lane area. I know. It’s not as fun. It’s not as interesting. Yeah. But that’s what happens because my wife, if my wife had been there. Oh, yeah. Well, number one, I take too long. That’s what she always says because I’m always like, you know, piddling around. She would have not stood for it. She would have been like, Mabel. Excuse me? Mabel. Get your ass out of here, you little dyke. Get out of here, you bitch. Yeah, so this is my life now. I just get trodden upon because I don’t have the enforcer with me. With the old people, you know. Bob, quit looking at Dong in the locker room and get out of here already. I’m looking at Dong. Hold on. I was talking to the Iron Man guy. Quit talking to the Iron Man guy. So anyway, that brings me up to 1982, I guess. Yeah, so I get trodden upon now that I don’t have my wife. Oh, you got bullied. bullied by uh an old lady by a grandma yeah yeah great grandma nowadays. Yeah, no kidding. I was just like, holy, I’m like, I can’t believe this because i knew she was going to do it. I was like, uh-oh. But I just can’t, you know. Yeah, so shelly winters beats you into the pool and that’s right yeah here i’m like oh jesus i couldn’t believe it, though, because, I mean, it’s kind of an unwritten rule that you, when the person who’s there gets the spot. Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t swim, so I don’t know. Well, I’m telling you. I just told you. It’s like bowling has etiquette, for instance, right? Yeah, exactly. It’s like bowling. If you are putting your shoes on and sitting in the lane and then somebody runs up and takes the lane, that’s not the way it works. Hey, man. Did you do like your best George McFly? Yeah. Hey, get your damn hands off that lady. I just was like, whatever. I’ll swim in the big open space. Whatever. I don’t. I’m like, but I was like, you know, she knew it. I mean, it was all you could tell in her eyes. She’s shifty. She’s shifty. Grandma. There’s my Barker or something. Yeah. No kidding. Who knows what happened? Yeah. Yeah. So, yeah, that happened to me, and I was like, well, I come home, I tell my wife. She’s like, what? You tell me her name. No, she’s just like, you’re so goddamn slow. Why are you so slow? That’s why you lost it. All of a sudden, she’s like Al Capone in The Untouchables. I want her dead. I want her family dead. I’m going to strangle her with her own swim fins. Yeah. Her floaties are going to go right back. That’s right. I’m going to put floaties on her ankles and stick her in head first. I couldn’t believe the grandma took my spot. I was like, surely. Oh, no, she did. I was just shocked. The world changed. Did you cry? No. In the pool, they can’t really see you cry. Yeah, that’s good. You look like you got tears all the time. And anyway, I got my laps in, and I was like, God damn, I can’t believe this woman. Jesus. The balls. Yeah. What did she do to children, for Christ’s sake, this person? I don’t know what’s going on. The hoop spa. Yeah, the hoop spa. The hoop spa. This Yenta jumps in the pool, and you don’t have time to cut bits with her. Oh, yeah. Yeah. you’re like Shabbat Shalom Boobie so yeah I was a little bit taken aback. I would say so we’ll see what this week holds for me so far. No other incidents. I want to see like two grandmas knock the shit out of you one day although should I feel bad when much fatter people come to the pool? I always feel good. I’m like, wow, look at that guy. He’s huge. Look at the teats. I mean, he makes Miles Tidal look like an infant. Oh, yeah. No kidding. This guy showed up. I’m like, oh, my Lord. How’s this guy going to get in the pool? The lifeguard better be doing some calculations because we’re losing a lot of water on this one. And he cannonballed into the pool. My God, the guy jumped right in. Yeah. I was like, holy schmoly. I looked at you like, hey, that broad’s got no top on. Earthquake. Yeah. I’m always like, well, you know, not so bad. Jackknife. Not doing so bad now. Belly flop. No, there’s this old guy. He looks like Peter Ustinov, who nobody will know who that is, but… He looks like Peter Ustinov from Logan’s Run, and he comes and gets in the pool. You’ve just lost, like, the whole audience at this point. Hey, you know, Dark Shadows, remember that? Remember that show we were just watching? Remember that show? Leave it to me. Yeah. Wink a dink and you, remember that show? Well, the world is at our fingertips. Just go to IMDB or Google it. I know, I know. Well, yeah. How many people are going to do that? AI is flashing pictures of all this to people while they’re listening. People are at work with headphones on listening to the show. They don’t have time to Google. Oh, sure they do. Look up Peter Houston. He was a great actor. He was in the Logan’s Run. He had all the cats anyway. Yeah. Which Logan’s Run is a pretty interesting movie. Yeah. Anyhow, what’s going on with you? I was watching Logan’s Run. I’m getting beat up by grandma. Yeah, I know. I know. Sorry. I’m not very talkative today. I’m sorry. I had a little incident yesterday, actually. Really? I really didn’t do anything this weekend, which I hate. I hate. I hate. But it’s just one of those weekends. Nothing happened. Wow. My God. You’re. How many more miles can you put on your car for Christ’s sake? I don’t know. I’m riding on a flat tire this week. I suppose maybe it’ll be fixed if I leave it in the driveway for a couple of days. Mr. Miyagi might get a hair up his ass. I go, you know, I’ve got permission to go on some private property, some acreage. What are you going to do on that? I brought my dog, my old dog. Oh, right. Yeah. You love to go. Uh, yeah. And there’s a Creek in there. So I’m like, Oh, this little guy, he hasn’t really been out for a long time. He’s getting to be an old guy like me. I’m like, I’m going to take him out and he’s running around. He’s having a great time. And I’m like, I’m like, Hey, let’s go down by the Creek. Come on. Yeah. Let’s go get some crawdads. And, uh, Well, I don’t know. I’ve never actually seen crawdads in this thing. Really? I used to catch crawdads. I don’t know. I keep thinking I’m going to see something happening. There’s like no wildlife there. I don’t know. Maybe you need new glasses. It was like Logan’s Run. No crawdad reaches the age of 30. And so the dog is in the water. He’s having a great time and I’m walking around and Yeah. The owner of this place, I know he’s jiving me. He’s like, well, you know, if you look carefully, you might find a fossils or not fossil, but, uh, arrowheads and stuff. I’m like, Oh, I’m thinking he’s making this up. Cause I’ve been on there many times. Yeah, I know. Gold, the blooms, gold, the blooms, just looking at poison ivy. One day I spun around 12 times and threw out Krugerrands in all directions. The genie’s lamp is down there. If you just keep going miles, I know you’re going to, I don’t know. I don’t know if this guy’s put me on. I’m like, okay. So I always go down there and look. This place is strewn with nudie magazines from the 1980s. I’m there. Got the shovel ready to go. And, uh, so, you know, I always take a look around. There’s a sandbar. It’s got a lot of rocks like, eh, I’ll never find anything. Cool. so i’m like, okay, well, so far so good. So what could possibly go wrong? Right? So I’m walking it’s a little chilly out. I got a coat on. I have my. hand could be quicksand. It was that quicksand. No, there’s no quicksand in the story so i have my phone in my hand. I go, I should put my phone in my jacket pocket so i don’t lose it. So I don’t drop it or something happens to it or anything else. Obviously this is not your brain talking to you. Did you have somebody with you beside the dog? No. first mistake. This is not, this is not a miles title, uh, thought process. I should just randomly flail my arms around while holding my phone in a a very thickly, uh, grassy area or anything yeah right yeah you know and uh okay so anyway so i’m like i just put this damn thing in my pocket. I’ll be goddamned if I didn’t trip over a rock. Like I was shuffling my feet like an old man, like, you know, shuffle, shuffle. Yeah, slow motion. No. Weebles, wobbles. Weebles do fall down, yeah. No. Oh, my bad knee. Yeah, I know. I fell on my left side, which is my bad knee. I’m like, no. My kid knees. I mean, there was no heroic, you know, saving myself, you know, it was like, oh shit. Yep. So down goes Frazier. I’m like, oh, I’m talking about me losing people. I know. I’m like, why didn’t I just go swimming with a bunch of old broads? Jesus. And, uh, you know, whenever this happens, like I always lay still for about a minute, just in case I broke something. I’m like, okay, I broke something. You’re doing. You’re doing, like, you’re resetting, you know, legs, okay, feet, okay. Yeah, I’m like your C-3PO. Going through, like, a whole elbow. There’s a whole restart. Buttocks. Buttocks. Buttocks first. Buttocks. Boop, shoot, okay. I didn’t get a branch up my ass. That’d be funny, yeah. One million chance, Doc. And of course the dog has to, you know, come and lick me in the face. Run for miles to get somebody to help you. Yeah, I know. I mean, he’s probably, you know, drinking out of this water where it’s probably some cattle farm runoff water. I don’t even know what it is. He’s trying to lick me in the face. I’m like, get the fuck out of here. I go, I think I’m okay. I go, I think I took some meat off my knee though. I’m pretty sure. Yeah. So I’m like, I better get up because no one really knows that I’m down here. Right, yeah. I mean, if I really broke my leg, this phone is lost. I’m pretty much fucked. Yeah, well, I think give it a couple of days. One of your children probably would have wondered where you were. Eventually, yeah, they’d be like, hmm, is he going to be back or what? So I manned it up. I can do it. I had to get my stained pants off and suck the cheer wine out of them. Yeah, I was still wearing my cheer wine pants from the funeral I went to last week. So like an idiot, I had to limp back. I’m like, isn’t this the second time this has happened to you? No, I felt a lot like the last two years I’ve tripped over stuff. Like I’m getting that age now. Oh my God. Well, first of all, your head is like a Mardi Gras float. You look like Ted Kennedy for Christ’s sake. What was that? Young Ted Kennedy either. Old Ted Kennedy. You look like a background for Mardi Gras or something. What does that kid show Arnold or something? Hey Arnold. That’s me walking around. Football sized head. Unfortunately, his was sideways football. I’m trying to think of what you’re head would be like? It’d be like some kind of giant misshapen pumpkin. George Kennedy head. You know, like… And I’m like, I can do it. You can man it up. You can do it. Come on, you dog. Come on, dog. Come on, dog. That’s what I had. I don’t know. I don’t even know if it was half a mile to the car. I mean, it wasn’t that far, but… I can crawl. I can do it. Army crawl. And this guy shows up As I’m almost to the car, he shows up. He’s going to ride these little motorcycles with his kids and stuff. Right, yeah. And I recognize him. Hey, Joe. He’s like, hey. I go, I fell down and got hurt. He’s like, all right, well, we’ll see you. He just takes off. I’m like, oh, okay, well. Sucks to be you, giant head. Yeah, this is not the first time someone has told me something like that. I’ve never been injured. You’re bleeding. Did you take any water with you? I think you’re at the age now where you need to pack survival kit whenever you get away from the car. I did. I actually went there again tonight, and I did bring water this time, but I did not. Yeah, I was very careful walking. I’m like, okay, I’m not going to. I told my wife, I go, if I’m not back in about an hour, come looking for me, man. Just cash in my life insurance. Be merry. I know you’ll find somebody else. He died with his stick up his ass. Oh, my God. And a dog humping his leg. Yeah, look at my face. So, yeah, I’m getting to that age now, you know. Well, I can’t. How big was this rock? I don’t even know. I have no idea. It happened so fast. Like, I just, like, I was, like, tackled, you know. Like the blind side, you know. Oh my gosh. I just have this… I think I told this story a long time ago. My wife and I were in Decatur and this guy who pushed a shopping cart around and picked up cans. He was obviously a person with special abilities. He was walking down one of the major streets as we were driving and he hit something with the shopping cart and it started tipping over to one side, and he didn’t let go. He just held on and fell over with it. No. I imagine that’s you. Yeah. No. It was terribly hilarious. Unfortunately, the guy was cognitively impaired, but maybe you are as well. I don’t know. I don’t know. If anyone would have saw me, they’d be like, oh, no, Louis Anderson fell or something. What the fuck? Jesus. Don’t worry. He’ll pop right back up. I don’t know. I don’t know about this guy. I had to go in the creek and swim to the ocean. Luckily, I have these jeans to suck on with the Cheerwine. So, yeah. It’s five miles. Five miles. Yeah. This guy let you go on his property to find out where all the rocks are? Yeah. Okay, there’s one. Oh, there’s that big one, yeah? We better take that off. Okay, I put an app on your phone. Just walk around my property, put your phone in your pocket, and when you fall over, I’ll know there’s rocks there. It was like some Vietnamese booby trap or something. Oh, my God. Are you okay? I took a little bit of meat off my knee. I’m all right. I’ll be okay. You don’t have very fat knees, amazingly. No, I know. My legs are getting really little now. Yeah, you’ve got potato on toothpicks. This is about the fourth or fifth time I’ve fallen. I’ve tripped over something. I fell on my driveway mowing when I was on drugs. What kind of drugs were you on, by the way? I don’t know what it was. I was on a new drug. It was on Ozimbic. No, it wasn’t Ozimbic. I don’t know. I was on drugs. I’m like, hey, I should mow the grass. You know what a good idea for me is? Let’s go barefoot in my shorts with no shirt on and mow the grass. That happened. I tripped over the garden hose at night running out to go see something. That happens. I thought you tripped over the garden hose while you were mowing. No, no, no. These are all different stories. And even crossing the street to go to work, I fell down, too. Oh, my gosh. I got hit something. Hey, I have a history of falling down a lot, too. Mostly when I was younger. I don’t know what that means. Well, when you’re young, you can recover from it. Yeah, I know. As you get older, it It becomes harder and harder. Yeah, there’s like… drop and roll. So, uh, well, I mean, maybe, you know, they have these apps for your phone. So whenever you take a tumble like that, it like notifies somebody. I need life alerts. Yeah. It’s like life alert, but now they have them. Well, I have a smart phone. I don’t know what kind of phone you got nowadays. Where are you at, sir? So help can arrive. I’m in a fucking Greek. Mr. Title, Mr. Title, uh, Can you see the sky right now? Yes. Are you looking at the sky? I’m in a creek with a bunch of crawdads. Crawdads on me. They’re crawling on me. Please don’t. I’ve never seen a crawdad in my life until now. It’s up me up. Oh, my God. You’re such an old man. Such an old friend. I know. I didn’t think this was going to happen to me for like another 20 years. And now it’s like getting me, my guy. Hmm. Yeah, I think you’re on the downhill trajectory here. Yeah, I know. Oh, shit. Man, I wasn’t expecting this for another 20 years. Well, time’s up, buddy. Yeah, I know. Time’s up, chump. Next time, you’re going to have to take snacks.

——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-

Bob pulls a Miles and tries to exact a bit of revenge on his injured wife, while Miles freaks out as he now has to go to a funeral.

Ankle Tragedy

Bad AI Transcript

All right, fellas, let’s go. static hey everybody welcome to the show this is bob Welcome to Channing’s Charges. This is Myers. Harold Channing here. I’m way too comfortable tonight. Sorry. Are you eating beef jerky while you’re trying to record? That’s right. I got some jerky. Yeah. Actually, I bought myself a And now here comes the Jimmy Stewart story. I bought myself some pizza Pringles tonight. Oh, it sounds like someone’s had a little bit too many… What? No, it sounds like you kind of slashed your words there. Hey, everybody! Hey! No, I… Yeah, I… i’m out of town uh tonight and I’ve, uh, typically when i go out of town, which i did do tonight, I usually go by some place and i pick up, uh, you know, something to drink. Yeah. Not alcohol necessarily, but something to drink to have in my room uh because i’m gonna be here for a few days and i get a couple of snacks and i got some popcorn, which, you know, I,
I cannot live without popcorn these days. Yeah. And then I said, well, I’m going to get something else. Yeah. And I wanted to get pizza combos. Yeah. I love those. Those are just so great. Yeah. They did not have them. All they had was the nasty cracker combos, cheese cracker combos. And so I’m taking a leap here. And I got pizza Pringles. I haven’t tried them yet. That’s the tomorrow snack. For a guy who’s always preaching about eating salad, this is a little shocking. I don’t preach about eating salad. I just tell you that I eat some salad. So, you know. If I could just put salad in a Pringles can, I’d be all set. Salad Pringles. They did have… They had quite a selection of Pringles. They had fully dressed Pringles, which I did not get. I don’t know what that means. Yeah, I was hoping you’d enlighten me. I have no idea what that means. I looked at the can and I’m like, I don’t know what this is going on about. But I had a weird feeling it included mayonnaise. And I’m not a big fan.
And I think they had loaded baked potato Pringles. Okay. All right. You like that one? Okay. Yeah, I’d try it. Yeah, why not? And then they had the more pedestrian sour cream and onion and cheddar cheese Pringles. And the Western salad. And they had no regular Pringles. They were all out. So I’m like, all right, I’m going to live large today. I’m going to get the pizza Pringles and we’re going to find out later. I’m going to break out the old wallet here and we’re going to try it out. Tune in next week. Explosive diarrhea. See how well these pizza Pringles go over. Maybe my new addiction here. I don’t know. Are you okay? You’re acting a little weird tonight. I don’t know. I’ve had some weirdness go on in my life. Oh, really? Okay. Well, there you go. I am high atop the Flynn building here. I own a mountain of Flynn. I was just telling Miles I’m on the 37th floor of this hotel. And a helicopter…
was outside my window landing on a lower building. Yeah. I have never seen that before, and I probably won’t see it again, I don’t think. I’ve just seen Steve McQueen and Red Button. Dollar and Inferno. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, don’t, please, don’t. Don’t jinx me. Next week, the… Don’t jinx me. I’m in an infamous building as well. It’s very infamous. I guess I’ll say it. I am in what used to be called the Hyatt Regency in Kansas City. Yeah. And, you know, people have to be a little bit knowledgeable, but this is the site of the worst architectural failure in the United States ever. A hundred and some people died in this building back in the 80s. Is it haunted? We’ll find out. I will report back. It’ll be next week’s show will be Pizza Pringles and possible dead ghost who fell from a balcony. And if you want to go see Bob, he’s currently on the 10th floor in 1003 if you’d like to knock on that door. Yeah. You would love to have guests, especially really late at night. So if you want to go. I think I’m on a restricted floor, just so you know.
Restricted? What’s that? Well, when you’re so high up in the building, you have to have a key card. Oh, I see. The elevator, like, does not go that high. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, I didn’t really want to talk about any of that, to be honest with you. Yeah, I’m surprised you did. You’re Mr. Secret. Yeah, I usually don’t disclose, but since no one’s going to hear this until after I’m gone, it’s fine. Um, no, I wanted to, I wanted to, uh, so this is more, this is more of a miles title story. I’ll be honest with you. Every week. I hear this every week. I hear this. Except my normally wouldn’t do, but, uh, you know, so, uh, recently my wife hurt her foot. Okay. And she had to have surgery. Mm hmm.
And she’s been kind of incapacitated because of this. And so, you know, she can’t walk on her foot. And I’ve been helping her and so forth. And here’s where the Miles title part comes in. I’ve been a little bit… Yeah, go ahead. A little bit ornery about it. Yeah, yeah. Because… you know, if you’ve listened to this, I have been laid up on more than one occasion because I’ve hurt myself and this goes all the way back to my college days when I tore my ACL and I haven’t, I’ve been in the position that she’s in where she’s kind of a little bit helpless. Right. And I was helpless when we were younger. And she was not always the nicest. And there was a lot of, you know, come on, Bob, quit being such a pussy. You can’t be in that much pain. Bob’s spilling the tea tonight. Yeah. So I was like, and then now, of course,
So what happened with me is I had laparoscopic surgery on my knee. I’d hurt my knee. I bent it backwards. And I had laparoscopic surgery. Basically, I bent it backwards and it stayed like that for, what, like two weeks or something before I get surgery? Anyway, I had surgery. And then when we were in college, and so we were living together in college, and I basically lived on the couch then for a good, weeks and I was like god I have this like one spot on my knee it feels like it’s on fire and I’m in like such horrible horrible pain and then well do you come into the story a bit because I they gave me a bunch of Tylenol with codeine mm-hmm which which I took and then I couldn’t stay awake all right and so I stopped taking it because I literally would just like not off randomly
And then I took it. And then you took it. Yeah. I took it for you. I thought we both should experience the same thing. You swung by. I go, God, this Tylenol with coating is killing me. I can’t stay awake. You’re like, oh, I could use a little bit of that. Yeah. And then you took the rest of it. And so anyway, so then my wife now has got Tylenol with coating and She’s got a spot on her foot. She’s like, oh, my God, this is the most painful, right? This one little spot. So whenever I finally got my bandages off and everything, it literally was like one. It was one of the entry points for the laparoscopic was what hurt so bad. It literally wasn’t even more than a stitch. One stitch. It was driving me bonkers. And so now she’s got one.
because she had laparoscopy, too. She’s got one stitch that is just driving her totally effing nuts. It’s just the pain. It’s searing. You know, the medicine doesn’t even help. Oh, I’m waiting for those bandages to come off, because it’s going to be one little knot. And so then, yeah, I can say, oh, now, look, she saw it. She saw my little stitch. She’s like, oh, my gosh, you complained so much. I thought you were going to have a big, gaping hole in the side of your leg. Just one little knot. And I’m like, oh, my God. Baby Bob. Yeah. Oh, my. I got so much crap during that time period. Well, since then, too, because I’ve re-injured myself like several times. And I basically, you know, become somewhat immobile because of it.
Packing on some pounds too. Yeah. Well, that, that too. Well, I, yeah, but that, but when I hurt my knee a couple of times, uh, since then and basically been on crutches and whatnot. So, um, yeah. And the other thing is you can’t use crutches. Why? Well, she, I didn’t realize that you couldn’t know how to not use crutches, but yeah. She basically just almost falls over when she tries to use them all the time. And I’m like, you can’t line them up. You’ve got to keep the crutch away from you. Right. The next thing I know, I’m walking with her, and she’s got the crutch going, and then she’s falling over. And I’m like, hey. I’m like, you can’t do that. They’re not like legs. They don’t work like that. Basically, it’s like you’re leaning on them. You just have to have them at an angle. Anyway, yeah. I’m trying to help her, and I’m like, God, you’re the worst goddamn person on crutches I’ve ever seen in my life. Oh, God. I didn’t realize people had such a learning curve for this.
I, that’s weird. Have you ever been on crutches? I have no idea. Uh, I think I have. Yes. That’s why you were in that big car wreck. So, uh, yes, that’s true. That’s true. You, you broke your pelvis or something. Yes, I did. I walked on a cane for a while. Yeah. Yeah. So you know how to use crutches. Yeah. You put them, you, you use them together. Okay. You kind of, uh, Uh-huh. They move together, and then you kind of move them yeah and you you know i don’t know, once you get the hang of it, it’s no big thing, but yeah imagine an adult would not grasp the concept of well she’s never had to do it, ever. So. Yeah, it was always the first time. You know, so it’s like, but i’m like, yeah, it’s like remedial crutches. I’m like, oh my lord
Just like I was in remedial band. That’s right. I’m like, thank God you don’t have cerebral palsy or something. You’d just be… we’re in the uh go anywhere. We’re in the pt slow class and there’s mrs lament our only, uh, patient today. Yeah. I don’t know what she’s doing over there. So, yeah. So anyway, there’s, I’d be a little bit of a turd. I’ll be honest with you yeah because after you know what 20 some years now probably almost 30 years. She’s finally in the same position I was in, and now she gets a little bit of a taste of what it’s like to basically not be able to use one of your limbs. I had, I was, yeah, I had, I’ve, you know,
I’ve come to terms with it now. But yeah, for a minute there, I was like, God damn. She’s very book smart, but she’s crutches dumb. Yeah, she’s… Is that one of those… You’re trying to get that saying to stick? No, they’re crutches dumb. I’m going to start a whole TikTok thing. Crutches dumb. Crutches dumb. She’s got wooden legs. She doesn’t know how to use them. Aluminum gams, y’all. Aluminum gams. You need to get a metal scooter. But anyway, that’s what’s up with me. I’m just being a jerk. What a freaking jerk, man. I’m glad you’re fine. I know. I can’t help it. I can’t help it. I can’t help it. Remedial PT. That’s right. Oh, God. Terrible. It is terrible. We’re laughing at her, man. Terrible. Why would we do this? This is mean. That’s why I said I’d be like you. You’re right. You are being a freaking jerk. You’re right. Yeah, exactly. I’d be just like you.
You’re like the Kathy Bates of caregiving, man. Use the crutches. It’s for the best. This year’s award winner for the Kathy Bates caregiver. It’s for the best. Mr. Bob. Yeah. So what’s going on with you? You’re doing like a whole Benny Hill thing, like whacking her in the back of the head. Like… I should put that music and play it while she’s on the crutches. It’s called Yakety Sax. Yeah, I know. It’s Yakety Sax. Yeah, can you do that and be funny? Yeah. terrible, man. And I’ll record her with Yakety Sax in the background. Yeah. Oh, my God. But on the plus side, she is a whiz on the knee scooter. Yeah, I’m hoping she is. see a wipe out of that crutches not so much. Knee scooter, it’s like, goddamn, watch out. That’s terrible. Why am i laughing at that i know you haven’t you’re enjoying it more than i did. That was my comeuppance. I’d probably be laughing if i saw her trying to do the crushes not handle them like what the
keeps falling over. I’m like, what the he’s gotta take like this she got like a lose your balance switch under her arm or something oh no i don’t know what’s going on. Low motion. I’m there to catch her. That’s the thing. I’m like, bring me my bedpan, Bob! Oh my god, that’s terrible. That’s terrible. Well, you know, I did back in the day, I had a piss bottle whenever I was laid up on the couch there for weeks. And I told her, I said you want me to get you a piss bottle? Oh! She’s like, no, no, no. Oh, gross. Yeah, I know. I was fine with the piss. Yeah, I bet you were. Oh, I didn’t have a D scooter though. We weren’t rich. We weren’t rich back then. I could get, I got like some hand-me-down crutches was that I didn’t get a D scooter. Your grandpa used these in the great war. So take care of them. That’s right. These are made from the floorboards of Stalag 18. Your grandpa made them. He didn’t know how to use them either.
Well, we couldn’t bear to get rid of them. So what’s going on with you? Well, you know, not that we haven’t had this topic often on the show anyway this year, but so if you’ve been listening to the show with any regularity, you’re going to say, oh, fuck for again. Fuck. What the fuck? I attended a funeral. Okay. I can’t have all the glory. Yes. All the freaking glory of attending a funeral. Yeah. Very sad. I lost a family member about a week ago. And this person had been sick for quite a while and had pretty much died very peacefully with some of his family around him. Oh, fantastic. That’s good to hear. That’s always good. So it was not a horrible, horrific accident or anything.
So we all, uh, pretty much my family over here decided to go and good choice. Excuse me, getting all coughed up here. Yeah, really? Anyway, excuse me, all plumbing. Um, so we’re leaving on a kind of Friday, you know, and so we all got Friday off and, uh, you know, it starts off, things don’t start well, you know, you, you, don’t know about you guys, but when i have like a thing to go to, sometimes i start getting like really like weird, like, you know, like everybody sit down shut up, you know i just started really weird. And so we get in the car, we’re about ready to go. It’s like my wife. Oh my God. I lost my phone. I lost the phone. Oh, your phones uh Okay. And then, oh, I know what it was
We decided to get a rental car. Oh, you guys rented a car, really? And not that we’re high and mighty, but just our cars suck. So I’m like, well, I don’t know. How was the Maserati rental? Well, here’s the deal is like, originally the deal was, hey, you can pick it up Friday, eight o’clock in the morning. No problem. And then she gets a call shortly before then. Yeah, that might be pushed back to noon or later. oh no. Somebody didn’t bring it back. And so we finally got it. She loses her phone. We have to find the phone. Uh, we’re not more than about 10 minutes down the road and she’s trying to get her drink and unscrew her drink. She likes to get mugs of to drink spills like half of it on my pants. Like I’m dressed for the visitation and i go, I hope this wasn’t full of like colored, you know you know because yeah that’s all i need is like, you know,
grape knee high or something on my fucking pants or whatever the fuck it was. Jesus Christ. You’ll be like, Miles, is it your time of the month? Yeah, I know. I’m like, this is going to be a really hillbilly show. I show up. It was cheer wine. Oh my God. If that was the case, I’d suck it out of the pants. I love cheer wine. That cherry soda. Cheerwine. Nobody’s going to know what Cheerwine is, but anyway, it’s a local thing. Yeah, I’ve had it. It’s regional, regional, I guess. Yeah, it’s regional. And so we got there, got there on time, and we actually brought two cars. You rented two cars? Well, no, no, no. My son did take the better of our two cars, but one of my sons had to work. Anyway, it’s a long story, but we both got there about the same time, and my wife jumps out,
and immediately starts walking towards the wrong building. You step out with your Cheerwine pants. Some kind of breakdancing 1990s pants or something. Some funky color. Got this big red splotch on your crotch. Everyone’s like, hey, Kool-Aid! Hey, Jim Jones, enough with the Kool-Aid, man. Yeah, enough with it. I’m trying to get my wife’s attention. Right. Hey, I’m like, that’s a bank. You are trying to walk into a bank behind us. It’s the funeral home. Oh my God. Yeah. I don’t know what she was drinking. We get in. She is. She was a little more on the wine than the cheer part. Yeah. Right. And, i would show up, my brother’s there and, uh, he made it, he says, Hey, are you my cousin i said no i was gonna say did he recognize you he did he did oh okay and uh so uh you know you got to go through the line, you know, your condolences and stuff like that. everybody’s like, what, what did you get? Right. Are you okay i mean did you need money miles or did you, uh,
I don’t know. Are you dribbling blood? I was just hustling roses out on the intersection trying to raise money to get here. Yeah. Hustling roses. Yeah. And so I had a family member there and he was very upset. Understandably so. Big Dirty Jake? No, it was not Big Dirty Jake. Oh, okay. I think he would be an emotional guy. I don’t think you met this one. I don’t think you met this guy. He’s my nephew. He has been super upset, understandably. Which is not funny at all. I go, man, you’re going to be all right. Be tough. Don’t be tough like Uncle Miles. He’s like, what’s on your pants? Why are you sticky for, Uncle? Your crotch and leg are sticky. It smelled like, I don’t know what, like orange Kool-Aid or something. I’ll explain it later. I go, man, you know, I go, man, you’re going to be all right. Somebody overdid the cherry chapstick. Christ. So I go, you know what? I’m going to make you laugh. I’m going to make you laugh. Uh-oh. I go, I’m going to go down to where your sister is and her fiance, and I’m going to grab his ass. Uh-oh.
He’s like, nah, you ain’t. I’m like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m going to do it. I’m going to stick my thumb right in his crack. So I’m like, hey, you know, we’ll just call him CB. Hey, CB, hey. You know, I made this thing a big deal about how I was going to hug everyone. I was like, I’m going to give a hug. Okay, and I grabbed the guy’s ass. Yeah, he was not happy with that. Yeah, he was like, I don’t know about this. You grabbed his ass with a hug. Yeah, during the hug, I grabbed his ass. Oh, okay. I go, hey, CB, just enjoy it. Go with it. I’m doing this to everybody. He goes, number one, he goes, why are you sticky? And number two, why are you grabbing my ass? Your pants are like a post-it note.
Yeah, so everyone’s like, what the fuck is this guy doing, man? Like ripping off people. Oh, my God. It’s like I’m getting moderately waxed. Yeah, no shit. Oh, my God. And I’m just kind of pointing out the high points of this, by the way. So I’m skipping around. I’m skipping around different stuff. Ass grabbing. We decided to not mooch off. Sticky pants. We did not mooch off anyone this weekend, believe it or not. Really? I went to a hotel. It appeared to be a very nice hotel. Yeah. Come to find out that it’s full of orange ladybugs and stink bugs. Oh, great. That’s good. Oh, I hate those ladybugs. Those are bad enough. Probably at least three stink bugs and a dozen ladybugs in there. Okay. I don’t know what’s going on.
Weird. Well, it got warm, and then it got cold, and it got warm. Yeah. It’s like 8.30 at night, and someone behind the hotel decides to let off M80s. What the fuck? Where’s that sticky pants damn effer? Yeah, at this point, it was hard to walk because it would dry it up. I go downstairs to kind of talk to the clerk who has disappeared because i freaked her out, you know, because I, you know, you’re in room 103. I like, okay, well, you might get a call because it might get a little loud down there yeah and my wife’s like, no, it won’t like, oh, damn it. And, uh, so the clerks go anyway. So, uh, we go to the. So next day is the graveside or, you know, the service, you know, the priest leading the service. Very, you know, he obviously doesn’t know the deceit, you know? Right. Right. Yeah. Humanitarian. And it was not that the decedent was not a nice guy. I’m just saying, you know, he’s a good guy. People that don’t know, you’re like, Oh yeah. He, uh, flew, you know, airplane missions to homeless kids, you know, and yeah. Now here’s a good guy. He’s a regular guy. And so, uh,
The graveside service goes off, and one of his old-time buddies is there that he went to school with, and he’s telling all these crazy stories, how they would blow up things, and this and that. He goes, you know what I want to do at the end of this MFR? I’m just going to light up my own M80. And son of a bitch, he didn’t do it, man. Oh, my God. Crazy son of a bitch. At the cemetery? Yeah, he just walked over. He goes, I’m going to light this son of a bitch off. And sure enough, he’s wearing a three-piece suit, and he just casually do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Kaboom! That motherfucker did it. Oh, my gosh. He split the tombstone. Yeah. And then my sister, who loves The Rock, he was there. I’m The Rock!
Turns out this is her brief boyfriend from high school, right? Oh, the guy who blew up the… The maybe guy. Oh, really? Okay. Which I did not notice at first. Wow. He didn’t know it. Oh, okay. Well, it’s been a long… Yeah, my wife’s trying to interject this. She hadn’t seen him in a long time, wasn’t sure who he was. Anyway, so we’re having the meal. Firecracker Chuck. for Christ’s sake. Oh, I remember him. Yeah. I was trying to razz her during the meal. You get that nice after-the-service meal. Let me just tell you, whenever he climaxed, it was just like a firecracker. They called him Old Ball Rocket. Roman Candle. My sister always razzes people. She’s a good razzer. So I go, I’m going to razz her.
Well, I’m like, Hey, where’s the, where’s old Sam, your boyfriend there. I don’t know. She was kind of, I didn’t want my bullshit. She goes, okay. All right. She goes, uh, you got any ex-girlfriends here, miles? Yeah. I’m like two, one on each hand. Yeah. I go, uh, well, she lives in Canada, but I lost her numbers. I don’t know. She did. Uh, there you go. And then, uh, so anyway, uh, it’s wrapping up. Everyone’s leaving. I see one of my youngest nephews is there. And this young man, you know, he kind of straightens out and he kind of gets in a rough part of his life. He straightens it. You know, he’s kind of an up and down with some, you know, wildness and stuff. Sure. But these new guys, these young guys is the last thing I’ll say. But these young guys have like a new girlfriend, like every week. Right. Hey, well, what do you want? Every week. Christ. What the fuck? Yeah.
how do these guys do this? You know, I’m like, she’s got a lot of energy, I guess like this. I don’t know. And so I see my, yeah, like this little, you know, blonde, you know, younger lady there. Yeah. And, uh, he’s vaping. Did you pet, did you squeeze her ass? No, I did not. I didn’t want a visit from Hanson or whatever his name is. Uh, I saw him vaping. I go, what do you got in there? The devil’s lettuce, huh? He goes, no, no, Uncle Miles, no, no. Vaping. The devil’s lettuce. And anyway, I go, well, I’m hoping you’re doing all right. He goes, yeah, I’m doing all right. It seemed like he was kind of ignoring his date, you know. His date to the funeral. Yeah, isn’t that weird? Yeah. I go, hey, if things don’t work out between you and her, maybe you can give me some digits, you know.
I’ll set you up. Yeah. He’s like, yeah, if I break up with her, this will be my revenge. Yeah. I gave her herpes. So, yeah, that was my whole bingo card of filling up shit. Yeah. So I grabbed a guy’s ass. I was sticky. I asked for a young lady’s phone number kind of in about way. Yeah. Yeah. Somebody, yeah, had fireworks at the funeral. Yeah. Can’t beat it.

——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-

Miles gets bamboozled into a strange work duty that leaves him without proper facilities, while Bob marvels at how he and Michael B Jordan sat in the same booth at In-N-Out.

Oscar Whizzer

Bad AI Transcript

It’s on. It’s on. Let me see that. I want you all to sing along to the fifth dimension now. Hey, everyone, this is Miles. What song are you going to sing? The fifth dimension. You have to get some better references, I think. No, I was just watching that DTF St. Louis. Oh, you were? I haven’t watched it yet. How was it? Boy, if you like dong, man, is it loaded? Oh, really? Well. I know you don’t care, but there you are. I don’t care. I think that’s fine. No, I don’t. Yes. I don’t know. Whatever. I’m a little old-fashioned. How many different penises would you say you saw on the show so far? I don’t know. So many you can’t count? There was just one is enough. One. Yeah, one.
I think you’re right. No, it’s good. Besides that, Jason Bateman, oh, he’s great. Linda Gargolini. Did Jason Bateman show his penis? Is that what you’re talking about? No, no, no. What about the Stranger Things guy? Well, I can’t really go into it. Oh, okay. It’s one of those you have to see it? Yeah. It turns out Linda Cardellini is actually tucked. which is like the surprise shocker, like the Stomelon twist that you were not expecting. Oh. Yeah. Why would you reveal that? You wouldn’t talk about the stranger thing. I thought you were going to watch this show, so I don’t want to ruin it for you. Yeah, you’ll just tell me that. Oh, Linda Carlini, by the way. No, I made that up. Oh, okay. There you go. I do. I am curious to watch it.
I doubt if it was even shot down here. I’m sure they have some establishing shots or something. I think I saw your house in the background. It wasn’t there. Are they in the burbs or are they in the city? They’re in the burbs. Is there a city called Twyla or something like that? No. I made it up, I think. Oh, they wouldn’t do that. They’re going to show dicks. They’re not going to pick anything up. Yeah. penis is the only honest. Yeah, it’s not an honest show unless you see all yeah if you see a penis, it’s an honest show for christ then you know it’s real. Yeah, salt of the earth. Yeah, that’s what i can’t enjoy myself i yeah i um i do have that on my, uh, list of things to watch. I think you would enjoy it well okay good is it funny
Did you know? Well, see, I saw the preview, and I thought, hmm, this is right up my alley, you know? All right. We’re going to show dicks. Yeah, like, no, no. No, like, Linda’s at this ball game with Jason, and she’s got this beers in her hand, and she puts one in between her legs. And she’s like, this one’s for you, Bob. And he’s like, no, no, no, I can’t. She’s like, yeah, I know. All right. Can I have a straw? Huh? That would have added something to it. Yeah. Yeah. They’re a Bush stadium, which. Oh my God. I didn’t look at that. That’s the funniest joke. I didn’t even think about it. Yeah. Yeah. You’re right. Bush, which is, yeah. And she puts the beer between your legs. Huh? Yeah. Huh?
naturally brewed. She didn’t call herself, you know, get your beer from Little Augie, did she? Yeah, I don’t know. It’s my own IPA, you know what I’m saying? Belma from the Scooby-Doo movies? Oh my gosh. Yeah, so I see the preview, I’m like, oh, all right, this is right up Miles’ alley, and then I start watching, I’m like, pump the brakes. It really is up my alley. so i think you’ll like it. Okay, well, I’ll check it out. I’ve got, for some reason, I’ve got uh things stacking up here, so. Yeah. On the show front, because i like to have a good show, you know. All the kids, you know, from stranger things do cameos and stuff they’re all We’re all 18. We’re going to show our dicks. Yeah, the kid with no teeth shows up. You’re a bush team. This beer tastes a little flat. Got a hair in it. What do you call this? Chlamydia. Nice, nice.
I love to watch these shows that supposedly take place in places that I’ve been just to see if they really were there. There’s a lot of product placement, too, in it. Oh, really? Because Ozark was not shot in the Ozarks. I’ve been to the Ozarks many, many, many times. Many times. And there’s a few scenes that are actually in the Ozarks. Very few. Most of that was not shot in the Ozarks, I can tell you. I believe it. Yeah, it was shot actually up in Michigan. Toronto. Yeah. No, Michigan. Michigan. No, no. That was a good show, too. I didn’t watch it. Oh, you didn’t? Oh, you should watch that. Uh-oh. I’m watching One Piece right now. You watch One Piece on Netflix? No. Oh, you should. It’s a good show. I’m going to research shows now. I’m going to be honest with you. I’m going to research the shows a little bit.
I don’t think you got your free subscription to Mr. Skin anymore. Yeah, I know. Stupid jerk. Bastard. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, so, you know. I don’t know. Does he talk about penises? I have no idea. You’re the one that researched. You actually went on Mr. Skin when we actually had that. Well, don’t make it sound like it was just me on there. Now, you… No, I never even looked at the site. I think you did. I did not. Because you already nabbed the free one. Yeah. Snooze you lose, man. Whatever, man. There was only one free subscription, and so you got it. Right. Correct. Oh, like you’d be on there. You’d be like, no, I can’t look at it. Don’t show me. don’t show me. The puppet show. The puppet show. So, yeah. I do think that uh we’ll claim we’ll lay claim to this, whether it’s true or not how’s that okay that we got Mr. Skin in trouble with howard stern yeah yeah yeah i don’t know if people know that yeah so mr skin was on our show many, many, many moons ago. And
At that time, Howard Stern was actually syndicated on regular radio stations, and he was on the station here in St. Louis, and I was listening to it. And shortly after Mr. Skin was on our show, Howard Stern yelled at him on air and said, what are you doing all these other shows for? Mm-hmm. Yeah. And he had just done our show, so there you go. What? We were talking about Ruth Gordon. I mean, what? Come on. Yeah. You know, I mean, come on, Howard. Geez. Give me a break. Well, that’s my territory. Oh, you know. Yeah. Okay. Whatever. Robin. Robin. Let me tell you, Ruth Gordon, the sexiest woman, Robin. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think that was, that did the, it was a weird coincidence that actually happened. Well, another bridge burnt. Yeah. Go put that in the list. So, uh, did you watch the Oscars at all?
No. Do you have any knowledge of the Oscars at all? I know that Amy Madigan won. Yes. Yeah, she did. Is her happy about that? Because that Amy Madigan, she’s really… I tell you what, she’s no Ruth Gordon, but man, I’m telling you, if you don’t know who Ruth Gordon is… She’s the 21st century Ruth Gordon. She’s a poor man’s Ruth Gordon, if you ask me. Oh my goodness. If you saw her portrayal in, uh, that movie, uh, weapons, imagine a woman called Ruth Gordon that looked like that basically. Now, the interesting thing is there was a movie with Nicholas Cage where he played this really weird character. Oh, gosh. I’m going to blank on the name of this now. It was like a really far out weird killer character. Hannibal Hamlin. No, now I got to go look it up for fuck’s sake. Oh, let’s just stop the show. Everyone just go ahead and… Yeah, everybody just
I got to think of the name of this thing off the top of my head here. Long legs. You got those long legs. He said that it was really weird. So, yeah, long legs. But he didn’t want anything for that. And her portrayal was, you know, it was just as creepy, maybe creepier. I don’t know as Nicolas Cage in that movie. So, yeah, long legs. So, No, what got me was, speaking of earlier saying I like to watch things where places that I’ve been, Michael B. Jordan won Best Actor for Sinners. Did you see Sinners? That’s a pretty good movie. No. Oh, you should watch it. I think it’s on HBO or something. You should watch it. And he decided to go to In-N-Out Burger after the ceremonies. I did see a picture of this. I…
I probably sat in that booth at that In-N-Out Burger. With your own trophy. That’s right, with my own trophy. That you carry around, World’s Best Dad or something. Yeah, something like that. I can’t remember. Best Dressed. Best Dad might be more closer than Best Dressed. Yeah, I was like, wow, look at that. Michael B. Jordan’s at the In-N-Out Burger where we go, where we’ve been several times when we visited California. There you go. And, you know, everyone here, the reaction at home was exactly the same as what you did. Son of a bitch. they’re like, yeah. So what? You and about a bazillion other people sat in that goddamn booth I’d been no I’d been excited I’d be like, hey, I farted in there. I dribbled. No, I thought that was interesting, though. I thought wow that’s the that’s the in and out across from Hollywood high School, which it was, and that’s where he went so it’s the closest one to the where the where the show was, so
Right. Yeah. But no, I, I must say, you know, I don’t know if people realize this and I’ll remind them. Miles and I went to film school together. That’s where all this starts. Uh, we went to film school, we were on a college radio together and all that good kind of stuff. And the Oscars this year, very lackluster, uh, all told. It’s like one of those years that people are going to forget pretty quickly, I think. Yeah. I mean, not that those movies weren’t good or anything. They were very entertaining, but these aren’t classics or anything. You know? Godfather. Yeah. I mean, any of them, but yeah. It’s just like, okay, they’re all fine. I actually have seen, because now they have more
Best Picture nominees than ever before. Then they have 10. For Christ’s sake, they upped it. And I think I’ve seen at least five of the 10. Yeah. And I hope to see a couple more, but I’m not going to get through the whole list. It’s just too much. No, no. Yeah. So here, let me, I’ll read them off to you real quick. So Begonia, loved it. Fantastic movie. You should watch it. It’s weird. F1. Horrible movie. Brad Pitt. Nope. Don’t bother with it. Frankenstein. I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t that great. It was Benicio Del… Not Benicio. What’s the other guy? Del Toro. Hamnet. I haven’t seen it, but I’m going to watch it soon. Marty Supreme. I have not seen that. I do want to see it.
The Sadfie brothers, who are usually really good. One Battle After Another was the winner. Not a good movie. I don’t know why people liked it. The Secret Agent, I haven’t seen that. Sentimental Value has Stellan Skarsgård, the world’s greatest actor. I’ll be watching that eventually. Sinners and Train Dreams, which I saw both of those movies. Both good movies. I saw none. I love the way, now, didn’t you used to, though? I mean, wasn’t it a thing for you? No, I mean, I didn’t go to see all the movies. I mean, I don’t know. I mean, you went to film school. I know we talked about films. I mean, we did write papers about films. I just watched a film last night that was about 10 years old, and I enjoyed it. I’m like, wow, I’ve never heard of this movie. What was the name of that? Is it The Bell…
nap experiment. No, no cap experiment. It was so memorable. Um, it’s like diehard meets, uh, squid game. Bell Knapp experiment, you think? Yeah. Michael Rooker and a whole bunch of other people I don’t know. Okay, Michael Rooker. I’m going to look it up here. And we’ll see. You said it’s from 10 years ago. About. About 10 years ago. Or maybe newer, I don’t know. Michael Rooker’s been in a bunch of shit. Holy moly. Yeah. The Belko experiment. Is that it? Yeah. That’s got to be it. Belko. I don’t know. His name was Bud Melks. Yeah. Oh, well, there you go. It’s worth watching is what you’re saying. He gets his brains bashed in from that weird guy from Batman. It says office space meets battle Royale. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much. Yeah. Melko experiment. Oh, yeah. Who was the director? Del Toro.
No, Greg McLean. Don’t even know him. But John C. McGinley’s in it, and he’s always good. Yes, yes, that’s right he was in it yes oh fantastic yeah he’s management he’s management so there you go well he was not he was an office space as well, so. Yeah, right. He was one of the uh you know, One of the two guys there. I’ll have to watch that movie again. I saw it a long time ago. I was not impressed with it. I know it’s like a cult classic. I just don’t remember being that impressed with that movie. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it. Miles is the Squidward. I’m SpongeBob and Miles is Squidward. I didn’t like it. You’re more the Sandy Cheeks, I think. Come on, SpongeBob. Let’s go away.
I’m Josh and Louie. Let’s go ride a worm. Game of Toads. So that’s circling back to the Jason Bateman movie I was watching. Circles back, yeah. Oh my goodness. No, I just, I don’t, I used to be more into the Oscars pre-COVID for some reason. I don’t know why, but yeah. covid lost interest so much but i did pay attention to the uh results i did watch the oscars with you one time a long time ago uh with silence of the lambs i think we oh back in 92 yeah whenever that was yeah i think we were i think we did watch that. I think we did. I think you’re right. I think I, I don’t know. I don’t really want one time. The one time we actually spent, uh, time together. Yes. Yeah. One of the few times this is, the
we don’t spend time together very often other than that, other than this. So, well, this is, this is enough. Don’t you think? I mean, I mean, I played pinball with you on my birthday, but I thought it was too much. Wasn’t it? It’s like a little bit too much. Yeah. And that’s why you had a near death experience. Yeah. I’m like, I’d rather die than spend another minute with this. Yeah. This asshole. It’s, I switched about not having gas to get to where we were. Yeah, I had to run out of gas. There were stairs he had to climb. He was all upset. Death stairs, yes, death stairs. Some girl was on the pinball machine he wanted to play. No, yes. I’m not going to forget that. I know. But I don’t really have a story tonight. It’s just random things I was talking about. Do you have a story? I’m sorry.
I have a weird one. I don’t know. Have we talked enough? No, no. You can tell your weird story. Well, it’s a little quickie. How about a little quickie? Everyone enjoys a little quickie now and then. Apparently, Linda Cardinelli does. She does. Oh, yes, she does. I haven’t seen it yet. So, it was weird. It’s like we got this new boss and he’s like, Miles, Miles, come here. He goes, Miles, go against his family. I’m going to close up the shop for a little bit, but I want you to stay here. I want you to stay in my office. I’m going to lock the doors because we’re having like these carpet guys come in. They’re going to clean the carpets. Okay. Well, I want you to stay. If you’re in there. Well, no, I’m like in a little back office. Okay. And I can clean those carpets. Well, he’s got like some old wooden floor and old building. And he’s like,
So we want to give the illusion at least like someone’s angels on the phones. Cause really that’s supposed to close, you know? Right. Right. Got it. So it’s like, all right, well, yeah, I guess. Sure. And, uh, next thing I know, so I closed the door and these guys are, it’s loud. And this dude pops his head and he goes, Hey, by the way, uh, you really can’t walk on this for like two or three hours, you know, just like a special thing we put on it. And, So you’re like, can you throw me a bottle of water, please? Yeah. He’s like, oh, we already did that. Yeah. So you can’t like go to the break room and eat and you can’t take a whiz. I’m like, what? He’s like, yeah, you’re stuck in this little room for about three or four hours. The joke’s on you, buddy. Yeah. I’m like, no, no, it’s going to be another one of those things where you try to squeeze through the window.
No, no. Yeah. I was like, that’s not going to happen. I go, okay, listen, I’m an old diabetic man. And I know it’s going to happen. You know, it’s happening. So I’m like, I start rummaging. Could you bring another trash can in here for me, please? I was rummaging through the boss’s trash can. I go, oh, thank God. Like a Hardee’s cup, you know? Oh my God. Oh my God. So I closed the door and it had no lock on it. I’m like, oh, God. I go, God, please don’t let me get caught doing this. This is going to be harder. What’s even worse of you sitting at the desk and you’re taking a whiz? What if I sit and do it, you know? Like I’d butt my pants and I’d just like put it, you know, between my legs and, you know, girl style. Lean forward a little bit. Knock, knock.
Hello, Miles. You come up here and tell me. No, you got this open cup of piss sitting next to you. Wait a minute. I can only imagine that your urine smells horrible. I just had asparagus like last night. I was so, I mean, nothing, no one saw anything. but I’m like, you’re like, wait a minute. I hope that’s very Coke. Cause this has kind of got a red tinge to it. Yeah. Right. Cause I like, I don’t like to pee in front of people. Like I can, you know, I just don’t like it at all. Sure. Yeah. I have an issue with that. I don’t know why I just do it. I’m like, okay. All right. So help me God. If one of these guys pops into this room right now, please me doing this. I quit. I will quit.
My job. I walk on this fucking floor. Did you stand up and aim? Like a high dive kind of situation. I put my back against the door. Oh, wait. That doesn’t make any sense because if they bang open the door, you piss everywhere. I don’t know what to do. I’m like, how do I… It’s like… From 20 stories, I’m going to hit the middle of this circle. I’m doing like some MacGyver piss break in the old office. I’m like, fuck, what the? Oh, my God. That’s horrible. And then I put it on the floor under the desk. God, what if I kick it over? I’m like, what do I do with it? What if you kick it on the freshly cleaned carpet? So they like open the door and like next to the door and they kind of tip it back. And then it falls forward. It goes all over the new clean carpet. What the fuck is this big stain in front of my door? It smelled like piss. Vinnie. I’m sorry. All right. I’m sorry. I think a bobcat got in over the weekend. Oh my God. That was so funny. Oh my gosh. Thank God. It wasn’t, you know,
One mile is one cup. Oh, geez. You’re like pulling receipts out of drawers trying to take care of it. Wiping your butt with all these receipts. Thought I had to take a crap. I can’t. This sounds like some kind of Mr. Bean episode or something. I was glad I didn’t have diarrhea or something. Yeah, really. I’m going to have to go in the trash can or something. Goodness gracious. Oh, I would have to go in the trash can or something. I don’t know. How do you do that? What you didn’t mention was your boss has floor-to-ceiling windows with no shades. Yeah, yeah. So everyone’s like clapping. King Salami. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. I can’t believe you. Yeah. You’re like, yeah, I’ll do whatever you want me to do, boss. And then you’re like, wait a minute. I’m stuck in this room. Yeah. What did you do? Did you leave it in there?
for him to find or what? I, we, we came back like, you know, shortly before closing time. He’s like, all right, good job. You did a good job. Everything’s good. Now you can walk out. I’m like, okay. What’d you do with the piss? I calmly picked it up. I walked outside. I found a snow bank and I dumped it out. Oh, you still have snow up there. Goodness. Yeah. Oh yeah. It’s no storm now. Oh God. Well, I just like, I calmly did it. I just like, I was so like James Bond. And the guy’s kind of like, he’s looking at the cup. He’s like, well, when did he get a Hardee’s cup? Is that apple juice? Oh, my God. He’d probably be like, man, that’s awful carbonated. It’s all foamy.
smells like bush stadium you know it smells like, uh, you know miles i know you i would wouldn’t second guess you, but it smells like an old bar down here now. I don’t know why. You were in here. I know you were in here. It smells like the trough at the old bar. I got hidden cameras in my office. I’ll be looking at your search history on my computer. I’m trying to steal these kids from stealing from me. Oh, my God. That was so embarrassing. Oh, my God. he’s like carry the cup out and he goes i’m kind of i’m kind of parched do you mind? They don’t get a refill. Anyone else? Do you have a straw sticking out? Yes. Yeah. The straw and those red were still on it yeah what makes you think that? I mean, I don’t know, man. Two, open the door for me a quick.
How did the carpets look? Pretty good. The carpets were good, yes. I’m just glad I only had to do it once, though. I’m like, what if I go nuts and just had to pee every half an hour like the usual? Good thing you didn’t walk out of there with a drink and a bag. Your lunch bag is dripping gravy or something. It looks awful heavy. Yeah. What do you got in there? You got like a triple whopper. Oh, my God. He’s like, why does my office smell like the goddamn bathroom? It smells like Bush Stadium. God damn it. It smells like PTs. Oh, my gosh. I can’t believe you held back on that one. Let me meander around about the Oscars. Jesus Christ. Yeah.
Okay. You know, we could use a guy like you on the old carpet cleaning crew. You can hold down the fort. What if I filled it up so it’s like brimming full? I’m like, oh, God, I got to carry this thing outside. Like, oh, shit. Oh, you got to tip it. You didn’t have a window or anything in this office? Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Office in Paris. I’m like, God damn it. I got to… Get rid of the evidence. Do you have cleaning people that come in at night or anything? No. You leave it in the garbage can and hope that they tip it off. That’s cruel, man. That’s fucking cruel. What the fuck is this? What kind of freak? What kind of weirdo leaving me his piss cup? Tastes a little sugary. Yeah.
I might want to take his insulin. Sounds like this guy takes a lot of medication. That’s bizarre. No one thought to say… I mean, they obviously work with you. They know that you’re constantly pissing. Yeah, I know. Well, I just slipped his mind. He’s like, I’ll be back. Don’t worry. I’m like, all right. I’ll save you. Just act like the place is open. We’re not supposed to close it. I’m like, okay. Well, how you can’t get to the door? I don’t know. I didn’t make up the plan. I don’t know. It’s like a candid camera. They got footage of you going, how am I going to do this? America’s Funniest Home Video. It’s one of those late night HBO shows. Piss Cup Confession. Yeah, and then the host is like, I’ve
for certain we were going to catch him whacking off. Yeah, guys are exchanging money like, oh, here’s the fiver, man. Yeah, we thought for sure he’s going to look at pornography, but no, he’s just pissing in a horse cup. I hope it was the big one. That was medium, I think. Oh, really? Yeah, I dumped the water that was in it in the trash. Oh, it’s not good to put piss in the trash, but just leaving the water in the trash is perfectly fine. It all made sense, you know, at the time. It all made sense. Yeah, we’ll just put this water in here. What if I started filling up the cup? Like, all of a sudden, I went nuts and, like, started filling it up to the rim. I’m like, oh, geez. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Third time’s a charm. Here we go. Hey, this cup. I had the big gulp earlier today. This cup smells like Busch Stadium and Linda Cardellini. Yeah, Linda Cardellini’s jean shorts. Huge, yeah.
Oh, my gosh. Yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever had that happen. Yeah. I thought you’d enjoy it. I don’t know about enjoy. Yeah. I enjoy the fact that, you know, you get put in awkward situations. Yeah, well, that’s the whole show. I don’t think that I would want to be there. Thank God he didn’t make you stay with the other lady. And you got trapped in that office. Oh, Jesus. Oh, man. There are elevators in your building, is there? No. Oh, thank God. No.

——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-

Bob feels he is getting scrutinized at a work lunch, while Miles visits his old temp job and gets rewarded.

Good Shape

Bad AI Transcript

I’m coming out. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. Welcome to Static. We had to get the requisite Miles title throat clearing going on here. I have a disease. I was going to say, what condition do you have now? The same thing that Michael Douglas had. What was that? Yeah. HPV? Yeah. I don’t know how you got that. Yeah. Yeah. Unless you replace the middle P with a different word like human penis virus or something like that. that would be your HPV, I think. That’s funny. Yeah. That’s funny. You feeling okay? Uh, yeah, yeah, I’m still here. I’m still here that’s fantastic are you you’re all right i’m well i could be better. Yeah? I’m good, but i could be better. Oh. I, um, I recently had an experience that makes me wonder about a few things. Our sexual identity? That could be one of them, but I don’t think it has anything to do with this story. Okay. So I’m taking over a project. And in doing so, I met the person who was doing this. They’re going to retire.
And, you know, I’ve had like some emails and a couple of zoom calls. Well, it got to the point now where I had to go meet with them to get like some files and things. Right. And so, uh, I did that and, you know, I’m, I love to go to lunch. I don’t know if I’ve, if I’ve made that clear. Oh yeah. You don’t miss lunch. I would miss dinner more than – definitely breakfast, but lunch I like to catch. And so I happen to be there over lunch, and I’m like, well, let’s go get some lunch. So before we go get lunch, we’re kind of going through stuff, and I’m getting information passed off to me. And it’s this woman, and she’s going to retire, and she’s like, well –
My husband, he tore his Achilles tendon, and he was playing Frisbee on the beach. He’s a 65-year-old man. You can’t be running around playing Frisbee on the beach when you’re 65. Jeez, what the hell? Right. And then she’s looking at me, I think, somewhat scrutinously. Yeah. She’s like, well, he’s in great shape. Unlike. Yeah, no, she didn’t say that, but she’s just like kept saying he’s in great shape. But even in great shape, you can’t be playing frisbee at 65. Well, I didn’t know, right? Yeah, and i’m like, oh, it’s terrible. That’s how horrible oh surgery you know, he tore his achilles Achilles. Yeah, and I’m like, that just sounds horrible. It just happened. They were on vacation and it just happened. So then we get to lunch. Again, she brings it up.
My husband, he’s in great shape. his ass it’s awesome. He tore his Achilles. Yeah, I got it yeah yeah i got it. And then i feel like she’s kind of giving me the, like, you know, there’s, there’s no way in hell you can play frisbee on the beach. Is she just got up being alzheimer’s or something that she keeps forgetting no i i don’t think well she didn’t repeat anything else. I mean, she’s retiring. Maybe she has to retire. No, No, I don’t think she has to. I was just like, okay, okay. But she kept all in the lunch. Same thing. You know, he’s not fat and hairy. That’s right. It’s like he’s in really good shape. And I’m like, I’m like, is this, you know,
Maybe she was trying to encourage you as you were eating your salad. I did have salad, by the way. You love salad. I know. You’re on the salad kit. But I did have a slice of pizza as well. You take the good, you take the bad. This is the crazy thing. I’ve never had anybody do this when I’ve gone to lunch with them. She ordered onion rings for the table. Oh, boy. I’m like, she’s talking about how good shape her husband is, and she gets these big onion rings. Yeah. I’m like, it’s totally incongruous. I don’t know where this is going. I don’t understand it. She was seeing how you’d react to it, probably. Well, unfortunately, I don’t react to much. It was a test. You think? It was absolutely 100%.
percent test, yeah. Well, I tried to be, you know, well, I’m sorry that he hurt his ankle or whatever yeah but yeah i but yeah again and again, I mean, how many times do i got to be tested? I don’t know if i told you this or not. Like, oh, please, God, no. So I was just like, I’m like, I was very confused. I mean, she’s a very nice person and everything, but yeah. This just seemed to, I mean, obviously it was on her mind, you know, worried about her husband because of the situation, but he’s in very good shape. And I don’t know if she was trying to set me up with him or. You need to do what my dad used to do to people. He’d just be like, hurt it. And he’d just cut you off. Hurt it. You already mentioned it. Yeah. He just cut it off. Like, nope. Yeah. But I felt a little bit.
self-conscious eating my slice of pizza. Did you have any onion rings? I did. Of course I did. I love onion rings. Oh, you have failed. How is that a fail? They’re delicious. I’m telling you, this is like some Hannibal Lecter bullshit she’s doing on you, man. Oh, I’m no good at that. And you fell for it. You completely fell for it. I go, oh, are these to share? Yeah, okay. And so I had a couple. You’re going to be taking off this project tomorrow. I guarantee it. No, it’s all still moving forward. Somehow, you’ll be out of this. No, everything was fine. We got along great. I am the Nostradamus, okay? I can see it. I’m telling you right now. Pretty much moving forward with it. I think your days are numbered. Thank you. I appreciate that. I wish I was in better shape now.
You salad-eating freak. 65-year-old husband in good shape, mind you. He’s got buns. I wanted to say, after the third time, you got a picture? I want to see him in a Speedo. That’s right. They were in Hawaii, so maybe he was in a Speedo for a while. He probably left out the part where he was throwing a bunch of co-eds or something, trying to show off. didn’t hear the, who the other person he was throwing to. It obviously wasn’t her because she was not, she was. Yeah. About the whole situation. So. Yeah, it was some college girls he was playing frisbee with and he got hurt and he totally lied to his wife like oh wow you would do. You’re like, yeah, I still got it. Yeah. And I’d be sucking in my gut the whole time. Like, hey, ladies, let’s go
Suck it in your dinner tube. How are you going to suck your gut in? I can’t do it anymore. Yeah, I know. I can’t do it anymore. If you sucked your gut in, your back would balloon. Yeah. Like a goddamn bullfrog. I just literally have 10 pounds of shit in a 10-pound bag. There’s nowhere for it to go. I would guess it’s a little more than 10 pounds. Yeah. Well, I was trying to be nice. I’m trying to be nice to myself but yeah I was like, well, this is an interesting conversation. Although we did talk about other stuff, but she just kept bringing it up, and I was like, hmm. Interesting. Hmm. Well. So, yeah. All’s well that ends well I don’t know. I’m thinking there’s more to it.
Yeah. Well, I’ll let you know. I’m still talking to her because it’s a slow transition. Not for long. Not for long. Okay. I’m calling it right now. Well, you, I mean, you have more insight into these kind of things than I do. And when it happens, I don’t want to hear you crying. Okay? I don’t want to hear it. I’m not. I didn’t take it off the project or collect it. I hit a ring and I messed everything up. I am a fat, sloppy jerk. Why did I eat the onion ring? I’m sorry. Your husband got hurt. I’m sorry. I was at lunch at that place I was telling you about, the Iowa place. I’m like, have you ever heard of this? You’re like, no.
I don’t know every restaurant in the world like you. I know, yes. I’m sorry. No, I don’t go to a lot of restaurants. I don’t eat out a lot. I just went to a new restaurant. No, come on. You’re always going places. When’s the last time I went to a restaurant? I don’t know, this weekend, probably. Come on. What? Come on. Yeah, probably. Nah, come on. Yeah, you guys eat out all the time. All right, well, tell me then. When was the last time? I don’t know. I don’t go anywhere anymore. I’m disabled. I don’t know. I’m disabled. I’m disabled. I’m waiting for my placard to show up. I don’t need to go into places that allow scooters. Yeah, non-salad eating places where I like to go. I didn’t go see, no, I didn’t go anywhere this weekend, but Friday night I went out to lunch with my friend, yeah. Actually, if I’m going to eat out somewhere new, it would be with my son because he always wants to eat somewhere new. Well, there you go, see? Well, no, I did eat out a couple weeks ago, now that I think about it. Exactly. Exactly.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I went to a Mexican place. Yeah, that’s right. Oh, old memory. Yeah. Yeah, that’s the lady. That’s the lady that didn’t think I deserved ranch on my taco salad. Yeah, well, you probably don’t. No? She’s acting like you, like, well, really? You might want to go sans the ranch. Yeah, that’s a little fattening. Yeah. A lot of bad stuff in that ranch. I should know. Yeah. You look like you’re half full of ranch for Christ’s sake. I cut you open right now. White shit would come flying out. Your belly button just oozes ranch. Yeah. Right. So what’s up with you? I’m apparently the number one. I’m not 65. Just so the idea that I am. I’m not. I’m not 65 yet. Yeah.
And you’re not really, I mean, looking at you, you’re not really in horrible shape. I mean, you know, you’re not skinny, but I mean, you’re not in horrible shape. I’m not skinny, but, you know. I mean, you’re average, but I mean, you’re not skinny, you know. Yeah, I certainly wouldn’t put myself as skinny. But you’re not junior samples either, I mean. No, no. I am somewhat proportional. Yeah, you are. Mm-hmm. That’s the way I would describe myself. Somewhat proportional. You’re as large as you are tall. That’s right. I’m a square. You’re a square walking around. I’m a squirtle. Square circle. That’s funny. So what’s going on with you? I was, you know, I had to go work a different location for a few months, uh, because you missed it my place was being remodeled at the time and this and that i had to go work at a different auto parts store, uh, which seems to be manned by quite a few women, which is uh a perk and uh it was called the garage yeah something like that. Yeah. But it’s fresh
And so I’m back to work and I get a text. You gave out your text number while you’re moonlighting? Well, we had some shenanigans going on at the other place I can’t go into right now. Well, you got shot in the face with a penis gun. I remember that. Well, okay. Yeah. All right. Thank you for letting the cat out of the bag. I did take a face full of whatever was in that gun. I don’t know what it was, but it was range yeah it was ranch valley this is good thousand islands and uh so you know little tiffany’s like hey my miles the manager uh you know eduardo wants you to come back and, and pick up some of your crap you left here. Used underwear.
Yeah, I’m like, oh, yeah, I’m like you. I just go around doing my laundry right there. You know, I’m going to stand around. And yeah. And I’m like, oh, OK, well, can I come in any time? Well, he wants to know when you’re going to be here. You have to have an escort. Yeah, I was like a whole meeting. All right. And those would be a big deal. You know, you know, the. the court order says you have to have a chaperone. I know. Yeah. This is like, Oh Christ. Going to the high court with somebody like, okay, I’m meeting the Pope or something. Okay. All right. All right. We don’t do anything with an appointment around here. So yeah, I know. Like I’m just bursting in like, Hey, Hey everybody. I come to pick up my dirty drawers. Hey, Mr. Rush. And, um,
I go in, I’ll go in at lunch, my lunch break. I’ll go down there. All right. I go, I’ll go down there and pick up my dirty underwear, whatever else I left there. I don’t know. Whatever else I left randomly in these, uh, in this desk. And, uh, so I get there and, uh, They’re having like some mini meeting going on. I’m like, oh, okay, whatever. Is there food involved in this mini meeting? No, unfortunately, no. I was hoping. Yeah, I was hoping. And so I get summoned in, you know, hey, Miles, get in here. Well, yes, I want to. Yes. Yes. And. Kiss the ring. Kiss the ring. Everyone’s like, oh, Miles, oh, you’re the funniest guy in the world. Oh, my God. I don’t know.
Are you okay with your broken leg? Yeah, no, it’s not broken. It’s not broken. It was a blood clot in my leg. It’s not broken. Oh, okay. Your hair looks really cute. Like, all right, all right. Come on. I don’t know. Ladies, please, please. I’m married. Okay, I’m married. I don’t need this. I don’t. Okay, a little bit more. Oh, my gosh, yes. Oh, yeah, you would totally. Those jeans look really cute, man. I’m like, yeah, I know. I don’t know. I don’t know. And so anyway, uh, you know, is this like fantasy or something? And we, uh, no, that’s pretty well. There’s a little way into your fantasy where you go into everybody at congratulate you for being you or something. Yeah. Like the biggest fat slap we ever seen in our lives, man. You actually work. You taught me how to be a woman. Thank you. Many times. You don’t even know it. Yeah. And, uh, so all my stuff’s in a box and they’re like, look,
Look in the box. Look in the box. And they got me a really cool work shirt. I’m like, oh, that’s nice. My name stitched on it. I’m like, wow. We got two of them and you can cut them up the sides and stitch them together to wear them. We’re doing our Daisy Dukes if you want to wear those. They got you a shirt. Yeah. I don’t know. They seem to like me. I don’t know why. Why would people like me? I don’t know. I’m like the most unlikable guy you ever met. Oh, that’s not true. I will even defend you on that one. You’re a fairly likable, as long as there’s no money involved. Yeah. Yeah. Just, yeah, that’s true. Very true. I’ll give you that. No, I’ll give you that. And, um, but anyway, after a couple of minutes, uh, you know, I’m getting, you know, like, uh,
Well, maybe it’s time for Miles to get going, you know, from the manager. Yeah, he’s like, well, you know, we were right in the middle of a meeting when you showed up. Good timing there, boss. And he literally said, get the fuck out. Did he really? He goes, no, no, Miles, I’m kidding. We all love you here. Come here. Give me a hug. I’m like, I really don’t. You hugged him, though, didn’t you? This is like the third non-family member I’ve had to hug this year. And I’m like, oh, this is really crossing the line. Like I’d really, you know, I mean, anyone who listens to this show knows that me and you. Did all the ladies hug you? Not at that point. No, no. Oh, what? Would you hang around for a while longer or what? Well, no, no. I dropped off some lottery tickets around Christmas time. Oh, okay.
One, I did get a very enthusiastic hug, though. Yes, I did. I don’t understand. You have to explain this to me. One of the ladies felt inclined to give me a big enthusiastic hug, and I’m like, okay, all right. Did she grab your ass or something? I think we got daddy issues or something. I don’t know. Did she honk your horn or what? No, she honked something, but it wasn’t. Well, yeah, I guess my horn, I guess you would call that. Now I honk my own horn out in the car later. No, but yeah, he literally said, get the F out of here. All right, we’re done now. Get the F out. Your money’s on the table, Miles. Get out now. Never come back. Take the goddamn shirt and get the fuck out of here. Got my shoes on it. All right, well, all right. We got you this nice brooch. Brooch? It’s got a camera in it, so they’re getting all the…
Insider information at your new place. It was just all their lost and found shit is what it was. Ah, mismatched gloves. Okay. Scarf. Thanks. Used masks from COVID. Yes. Is this a flashlight? What is this? What’s this? All right. Who wrote the note? Call me anytime. Who wrote this? Is this a coupon book for foot rubs? Thank you. Yeah. Well, thank you. Wow. No, that was for me miles but i’m like oh no free hug i’m like i gotta go eat some salad man i’ll i gotta go you know i’m gonna go on out of here i gotta have my lucky onion rings and salad. That’s right. No dressing. No, I don’t get any dressing. You’re right. And a slice of pizza to go. And a slice of pizza and water
and well how do you know my order? God, you weirdo. I was around you once recently and you made a big deal about, yeah, how do you do stuff? I’m like, okay. Yeah. Oh, it’s true yeah you’re all some of your life story. Which brings me up to 1997 like oh christ that’s right and in 97. Back in that day, we didn’t have it. We liked it you know I was up for the position of CEO for AOL, and I didn’t take it. Oh. I didn’t think there was a future in it. Oh, my goodness. So have you wore the shirt? No, not yet, no. Oh, okay. Is this a shirt you can wear at work? Yeah, no, it’s a work shirt, yeah. All right.
That’s nice. We’ve got like wrenches on it or anything. Yeah. Triple R automotive. Yeah. Okay. I don’t know what that means, but the old triple R, no, it’s the name of it. Triple R. So, uh, this is it. That’s it. You’re broken up now. I made my parting gift. You got your box of shit. You’re out of there. Yeah. Interesting. Did you leave that stuff on purpose? No, I just forgot. I just come by to pick it up one piece at a time. Did I leave a speedo? I left some wet wipes here last time. Do you have a thing of supplies? I just want to stop by and pick them up. I was just thinking about it today while I was out at the rib joint. I’m a person, a people person. Yeah. Well, that’s nice. Yeah.
Did you tell them to come by and see you anytime? Yeah, there’s no way they’re coming into my gangland neighborhood. There’s no way that they’re going to. You’re like, I got these. We got a bunch of halter tops for you ladies. No, thank you. Yeah. Some tube tops and some halter tops. I think you’ll know which ones fit who. Nah, come on. Okay. Well, that was nice. You feeling good about it? Yeah, it felt pretty good. Oh, okay. Now what are you going to do? Eat salad. Yeah, I don’t think so.

——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-

https://embed.podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/cousin-oliver-syndrome-w-bob-lement/id1794198455?i=1000751046582

Miles is mad because his neighbor won’t work for free, while Bob reveals he was a mooch back in the day as well.

——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-

I like my blue jeans blue. Thank you. Mmhmm. it puts the lotion in the basket. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. It’s Miles Tittle. Hi, Miles. That’s right. That’s right. How’s Miles Tittle doing tonight yeah all right doing all right yeah yeah Someone mispronounced my name and now Bob thinks it’s funny to make fun of the lady. It’s a nice lady, but yet Bob has made fun of her and her. Mispronunciation. Mispronunciation and some other things he said, which I will not repeat. There’s somebody that’s not me in this conversation who’s like, you’re supposed to put a comma there. You’re supposed to put a thing there. You’re messing up your grammar. I love that voice. It was so disturbing. Don’t you know how to write? Did you go to school? You got a degree, don’t you? Okay, can you say it puts the lotion in the basket with that voice? It puts the ellipses on the line. Thank you.
That’s your Mr. Grammar Police every time I write an email. I’m like quickly going, and you’re like, God, did you know how to write? Jesus Christ, God damn. Well, you just used the wrong form of a word from time to time. You’re not doing third person all the time, for Christ’s sake. You’re wrong. You’re one of those people that doesn’t know the difference between there, there, and there. You know what I’m saying? There, there, there. And I have to correct you. And you’re like, oh, I missed that day in school. You got the idea across. Quit being such a, you know, goddamn stickler. Yeah. But. But. You do know how to, you know, read your last name and say it. Say my name, say my name. Yeah.
at the very very least you know she could have listened just to the show. just Not even very long into the show. She could listen to this the first, like, three seconds of the show. You say your goddamn name no i she didn’t hear the show. I wrote her. I know, but she took a moment. No. Why does she want to take a moment and listen to our shitty show for my God. a million shows out there to avoid. This is one of them. Mr. Miles Tittle wrote me today and he said, are ghosts real? I wrote several questions. Of course they are. What are you asking me for? Because I want to make money off it. So what? How many questions did you send this poor woman? No wonder she’s just
wore down from you sending her questions. I might as well answer this. I’ll get this guy’s name wrong so he’ll never write me again. This is what we do. We pool our money. We buy some old shitty buildings about ready to fall down and we swear that it’s haunted. It is haunted. And then we bring in groups and they’ll immediately fall for it and be like, hey, you’re right. Okay. Where’s the building at? I mean, property’s probably cheaper, like, closer to where you live. Oh, you think? Oh, yeah, you’re in the French Riviera up there, sure. Yes, I’m on Lake Okeechobee, yes. Don’t want to brag. Everything is so high-priced, you can’t even get anything for under five grand. I’m somewhere between Clive and West Des Moines, yes. Oh, yeah. Love you.
This is the most haunted house. This is the most haunted house in Iowa. Can you believe it? God damn. I’m telling you. This is how you get rich. You charge everyone. Ed Gein took a dump here two years ago. I swear to God. Hey, whatever. I’d make up shit. You know what? Everywhere around here is like Al Capone was here. I would immediately throw that in. Al Capone was here. It’s documented. He ejaculated in here somewhere. I swear to God. Found it. Oh, my God. That’s not ectoplasm. There’s a question for you to write that, lady. Do ghosts have orgasms? You know what? I’m not going to write that. I’m not going to write that. You know, this is what got me in trouble with Will Wheaton.
Okay, the actor yes i i try to do, like, this funny bit that you’re doing right now, and it completely imploded. And you never forgave me for it okay well but now you know why. It’s all happening right now. I know. Now it’s going back files well wheaton was flown to the island. Come on. Yeah. When he was a young act when he was a kid actor. And he’s traumatized. And then here you’re like, who’s got the biggest ding dong in the mud pit? It was a legit question. I don’t know what, you know, it triggered him. You triggered. I don’t know. I mean, I would guess river Phoenix, but I don’t know. We’ll know now. Two things that never get old river jokes and river Phoenix, you know, that’s what I say. Oh my goodness. Gracious me. Yeah. I was a little bit of a mood tonight. I’m very tired. I’ve been,
traveling okay grouchy pants tonight. Yeah, a little grouchy really tired man you know i will be traveling forever. So yeah, I’m just a little, I’m a little tired i’ve been oh no i just i was waiting for your story to begin. I was like okay i’m trying to i’m trying to think of what i feel like talking about. That’s the problem. There’s so much so much happening. The tittle thing, everything is going off here. Apparently, the lady set you off. I know. You’re like, who the hell do you think you are? I’m trying to think of what I’m allowed to talk about here. Don’t worry. We’ll cut out this part. Why don’t you go first and let me think a little bit. I’m a little bit pissed off about international events right now.
Oh, what? Iran? No. Oh. Something a little bit more important than Iran. Oh, really? Something more important than that. Okay. Yes. Much more important. You’re so small-minded. Yeah. Okay. That you even say that. What should I be? Like the International Bikini Fest is not going to happen this year or what? This is typically not a political show, but it’s going to become one. Oh, Christ. Maybe we should go back to Tittle. So I’m at work, and I have kind of this cheap security camera set up on my front door. Oh, yeah. Like, it’s not a ring. It’s a knockoff. It’s kind of through my phone carrier. I don’t even know what that means. Anyway. Is that your house, or is it at the office?
No, it’s at my house, but it alerts me on my phone. It’ll either say animal, person, or vehicle. Animal, mineral, or vegetable. Is that your door? We keep getting so many minerals stopping by the house. Ball site or whatever the fuck. I don’t know what minerals are. ball site what i don’t know. Is that some kind of i don’t know. Okay. Maybe Tittle is your last name. Fuck. I don’t know yeah i mean i’ve been to some shit. I don’t know so okay so the the doorbell goes off. So I’m at work and it’s you know buzzing like what the fuck is going on? It says person. I’m like, oh, that’s a lot of beeping for a person. Monkey, monkey. Yeah, I didn’t know what was going on. Like, did Bob come up to my house and he’s trying to break in? I mean, what? Yeah. And I look and it’s my neighbor, Mr. Miyagi. Oh, sweeping the sidewalk. My old tittle is so messy. Well, that’s what I thought. Okay, because I saw him. He’s got a garbage can and a rake. He never picks up his dog shit.
Yeah. Well, he’d need a shovel for that. Yeah. So in the past, this guy, when he was in better health, used to like rake my yard occasionally. Yeah. When he had company coming over, I don’t want to look like I live in the pig sty with my neighbor who never does shit. And he would occasionally shovel out my driveway too for free. So I’m like, Oh, this old geezer, you know, he’s, got with it like man but wait because i don’t like the you know i don’t really rake my yard just wait for like the wind to blow it into other people’s yard yeah yeah i do the same thing, but i live a little further away from people than you do. Yeah, right. Yeah, you’re like in the mix. I’m like on the side of the mix there, so. You’re like the kennedy compound, and i’m more like, uh. Our, uh, Jackie, are we gonna rake the fuck no we’re not gonna rake the leaves we’re gonna wait for the wind to blow.
Yep. yeah So I’m thinking, okay, this old geezer’s finally getting with it to do his job you know i’m like man do the job i’ve assigned him. Yeah. I want him to clean up my yard for free as he used to do. As he used to do. You know, you’re enabling me, Mr. Miyagi, but you need to keep doing it. Yeah. And, uh, well, you know, it’s his choice. I mean, you know, I didn’t tell him to do it, but. So, uh, I go, you know, I’m going to go home for lunch and I’m going to see what a great job he did on my yard. And I’m going to thank him. And I’m going to run into him. I’m going to give him a fiver. If I see him, I’m going to say, Hey man, here’s five bucks for doing it. Thank you. Like, keep it, keep it, you know, cheap ass bastard. So I come home. Oh no. He has not touched my yard at all. Good.
He is cutting over my yard to go to my neighbor on the other side of me to clean his yard. Oh, but he’s cutting right through my yard. My pile of leaves have two piles out there to get to the neighbors. Well, my son had done some raking, but he never actually picked it up anyway. Um, So, yeah, so I’m like the Oregon Trail for this guy, you know, with his, you know, dumpster, you know, on wheels. Yeah, he’s cleaned up. No, he’s cleaned up the neighbor’s yard. Well, that neighbor probably is nice to him and does stuff for him or something. I’m like the balls, the balls on this guy. He doesn’t have to clean up your yard. What way? You’re cutting through my yard, though. You owe me.
Well, can you talk out of the doorbell? You can say, go around the yard, please. You can say it. Please use the street. Well, I shouldn’t say I’ve done it. My wife’s done it. The neighbors were cutting through my yard. My wife’s like, no, no, no. You can’t do that. You go around. Well, your wife’s cut a little bit different than other people. I mean, let’s be honest. Now, the difference was they were driving a golf cart through our yard. Well, you got to say something like, hey, dickheads. Yeah. No, he’s like trapping backs and forth. There’s probably a trail now through my yard. Oh, please. Like some goat path now. Yeah, some kind of goat path. No one could tell that anything happened in your yard. It’s such a disaster area. Well, there are, yes, there are branches down and things. Yeah, it looks like freaking day after tomorrow kind of scenario. Yeah.
Jason Robards is walking around. I don’t know what happened. What are we going to do? Everything is irradiated. Oh, my God. For Christ’s sakes. So, yeah, I’m like, what the hell? This is going to be a whole international incident right here. There’s going to be. Okay. There’ll be a day of reckoning. There’s going to be a day of reckoning. Yeah. Where is all the free labor? I want my yard picked up tomorrow. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. On your way through, pick up those goddamn sticks. He’s lucky I don’t let my dogs crap in the front yard, man. I’m telling you. He’s lucky. He’s lucky. He’s going through my yard. Okay. If your dog crapped in your front yard, it would entail you having to do something. Yes. Because you have a fence around your backyard, so you just open a door. Yes. And the dog runs out there, takes a big crap, and then you leave it.
Yeah, I never pick it up. Yeah, if you had to go in the front yard, you either have to put up a fence or get a leash or let the dog run off. I’m thinking about putting up a fence at this point. Oh, please. Yeah. A fence in your front yard? If this is going to continue, if my yard is not going to get raked for free. He’s an old man. Just let him do what he wants. No, but he’s not that old that he couldn’t do mine first. This guy… My yard is a lot smaller than the neighbors, okay? Cheap bastard. I’m just saying he kind of owes me. They got a double lot. They got a double lot over there. He owes me, I figure. You know, why doesn’t he do my yard? How in the world does he owe you? Because I’m the world’s coolest neighbor. Okay. I’m the coolest neighbor you ever want to meet. You know that. No, that’s not true. I don’t cause any problems. I let, you know, live and let live. No. You know, whatever.
And, you know, whatever. You don’t cut through my yard to be a good guy with the other guy, you know? No, yeah. So I want my yard raked tomorrow. Yeah, I don’t think so. Tomorrow. Or I’m going to put up booby traps and stuff for this guy. Oh, the bamboo. It’s going right through my foot. I’m going to go whole Rambo on this guy. I’m just going to have all that Rambo shit going on. I don’t know. Yeah, I think you’re stepping over the line here. So what? The guy wants to help your neighbor. You should be glad. Yeah, but do mine. Do mine first. So he could probably go over and do the neighbor’s in like five minutes, and then yours would be like a whole, you know, they had to bring in the crane and all kinds of stuff. Mine would be like the warm-up, you know, like, okay. If he took about 30 minutes out of his day, he could do it.
But no. Why don’t you do it? You got 30 minutes. Listen, when a neighbor previously has done free work for you and you hope that he’ll do it again at some point, you don’t do it yourself. We’ve established a condition here where I’m expecting this free labor, sir. No, but really, man, can you imagine like this? If he’d only done it once, I could see where there’d be no confusion, but this happened again and again, and now it has stopped. And I precedent has been set and now he’s like totally like backing out of it. Yeah. In the courtroom with Matlock over there, we had a deal. Okay. The deal was he did the lawn for nothing and I just existed. Yeah. Yeah, now he got the gold mine and I got the shaft. Yeah, well, I don’t know about that. I don’t know how him working for you is a gold mine for him. I don’t know. I don’t know. You really got a warped sense of things, I think. I just ought to put up some wire and trip him or something at this point, because, man, I’m like, gosh, it’s just like a trip. I’m going to put a couple of snares. Yeah, a snare on there. It’s going to get in the…
He’s going to come into the yard and I’m going to snag him and whatever tree branch hasn’t broken off yet, it’ll fling him up in the air. Pick up those branches on your way up. Clean out my garage while you’re at it. Oh, I would love that if he would. Oh, by the way, actually, are you done with your story? I’m done. I blew my wad. I’m done with it. Okay. Well, I think that you’re way off. But actually, your ears had to be burning about a week or so ago. Yeah. Because I was talking about you and your shitty garage you never parked in. Yeah. I was over at my friend’s house helping him work on a project. And I was there. I had the story about this, about all the people dying. So I was there.
Uh, you know, we kind of had the garage he we moved the car out of the cars out of the garage and we were using the whole garage to put some stuff together. And I’m like, can you believe it? Some people have a garage that they never, ever park in. because it’s so full of shit. Yeah. And I go, my friend miles has got a garage. I don’t think he’s ever parked in it because it’s so full of shit. Once or twice I was allowed to. And you got full of shit? Yeah, it’s just so full of shit right now. Yeah. I couldn’t believe it. You pay all this money for a garage and you don’t even use it for a car. Yeah. We had a whole conversation about weirdos who
What kind of weirdo you’re like, you’re like, hold my beer. I’m going to bring up a picture right now and show you. So I was just, uh, we had this whole, uh, back and forth about people who, you know, pay for a garage, but just use it to store a bunch of useless shit that they never want. When I lived by Chicago, this is one of the points that my neighbor wanted to sue me about, that I was not using my garage. I can see, and this is the person you wish cancer upon. Well, yeah, I did, but that’s a different story. That’s a story for another day. No, I lived in a detached condominium, and this lady had about two dozen things she didn’t like about us, and one of them was you are not parking in your assigned garage. You have your car sits out at night, and we cannot have that. Okay. Yeah, I can understand her anger.
And not because that garage was also piled with shit as well. I could figure that. Yes. I should find that piece of paper that lists all this shit just as a laugh, just to take pictures so people can see what I was threatened with a lawsuit. Yeah. For not being able to park in your garage, your condo garage. And so I moved and I said, Jesus Christ, my personal savior. If I can grant one prayer, kill this old witch. Yeah. Strike her down. Every day I prayed for it. And guess what happened? What happened? Dead. Dead. That’s a little tough there, man. That’s a little tough. No, it is not. I asked a spiritual man. I can’t imagine what’s going to happen to Mr. Miyagi now. No, no, no. I wouldn’t do that. But no, I’m just saying I asked a spiritual man about it that I used to know. And he goes, you know what, Miles? You put that in God’s hands. It’s not in your hands anymore. So you are absolved from that. Took it away.
You are not guilty of wishing death. So why don’t you clean the garage out? I don’t know. I’m not sure why. I mean, do you use anything? Is it like a workshop? Are you making things? No. Is it just housing crap that you don’t even need? It has furniture, an exercise bike, two regular bikes, various tool cabinets, Halloween decorations, and Christmas decorations. I’m drooling about it. Yeah. And some garage sale stuff that didn’t sell. I think you just get rid of it and park in it. Uh, what do you got against that? What is the problem? Talk about it right now. I will answer this later. Yes. Oh, okay. Yes. Well, anyway, your name came up and I was talking about that and we were, we were commiserating on people who cannot utilize their garages.
I will take a picture tomorrow morning before I go to work. I will open up the garage and you can see what a filthy mess it is. You can send it to your one friend. I don’t know if I can tell the difference between your filthy garage or you dropping your pants and bending over and taking a picture. I’ll take a picture of the leaves in my yard that are being ignored by my neighbor. Oh my And if I feel like it, I’ll also find where my neighbor tried to sue me. Because I know I kept that paperwork. I’m sure you did. Because you hold a grudge. You are a grudge holder. Has your neighbor ever tried to sue you? Not my neighbor tried to burn down my house. Well, that was different. That’s different. I don’t know how different that could be. Imagine being served papers twice. Yeah. Twice. Twice.
I think that’s par for the course for you. Twice, yeah. I think that’s, you know, you’re asking for it. You’re up there and you’re, you know, in your thong. My cabarici. Sunning yourself out in the driveway with this dirty, dingy garage door open with all that shit piled up there. Now I’m going to have to hire some kid for like 10 bucks to do it or something. Yeah. Damn it. But I was like, wow, you know. I said, you know who’s got a filthy, terrible garage? My friend Miles. What kind of guy would step in dog shit and then leave his shoes outside? You’re like, oh, hold on. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Yeah, I know that guy, too. It’s the same guy. Oh, my God. Now, you have to understand, my friend Jeff, who I was working with,
We were actually roommates for a while. And he’s been a good friend for a long, long time. But he’s very meticulous. And so his garage has storage on the ceiling, you know, like those bins that slide in. And he’s got like shelving everywhere, you know, arranged to put things. And he’s got a whole, you know, a lot of things, you know, buttons rigged up for his garage door by his door and by the garage door. And he’s a very, very meticulous guy. And so I was helping him, you know, he’s very meticulous doing that too. That’s what took so long a little bit, but yeah. And so, yeah, I can imagine if he saw your garage, he would totally like be wigging out.
It looks like the ballroom from the Poseidon Adventure. It’s all fucked up. There’s shit where it shouldn’t be. This looks like a goddamn candy box that’s been sitting in the sun and shaking up. He couldn’t believe that. Who does that? He probably thought you were lying. Like, come on, there’s no guy, no man that would do that. There is. exactly yeah yeah you’re lying did he really believe it? Like, wow, who is this guy yeah yeah well he knew somebody else too so yeah you know, but, uh, we were chatting and he said I was an okay roommate. And I said, I think you’re wrong. I was a better lover than roommates. I was a horrible roommate. it was a horrible Yeah, with you eating with your bath towel and watching TV. Well, we worked opposite times, so we really didn’t see each other very much. I worked at night, and he worked during the day. Yeah. Yeah. We didn’t see each other except on the weekends, and then we’d go out and do stuff. Let them have their man-on-man action. Yeah.
Well, I was a terrible roommate because I kept drinking all of his Coca-Cola. He would go buy a 12-pack of Coke. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Okay, yeah. Okay. He’d go buy a 12-pack of Coke and stick it in the fridge. I’d come home and I’m like, God, I’m thirsty. And I’d be like, oh, this is nice, cold, ice-cold Coca-Cola. cannot afford a Coca-Cola working where I work. I can’t even help myself, and I would take them. I am on the livestock stunt line, and I don’t make that much money, so I need to sell some of your Coca-Cola, Jeff. Right. And so then I would be, well, no, I had money, but I would be like, I’d be like, well, I’ll get it, I’ll replace it later. And then, of course, I never did. Yeah. And then he would come home, and he’d be like, that motherfucker drank my Coca-Cola. Yeah.
that Coca-Cola is making me thirsty. And then whenever we would be home on the weekend, he’d be like, what the fuck are you doing? I’m like, Oh yeah, I meant to replace that. Oh, wait a minute. I got to find my met form and I’ve been drinking all your Coca-Cola. Yeah. Now he didn’t mind. Cause at the time I was working at a video store a long time ago. Yeah. I would give them free rentals all the time of any variety. Let me see. You drank $50 with a Coke, and you’re going to let me rent this thing for two bucks. Yeah. No, nothing. Free. It’s from the adult section, Jeff. Just hold on. Those are more expensive, my friend. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, it was. We had the days of adult section. And so, yeah, any video he wanted, I would give it, rent it to him for free. Yeah. He took full advantage of that. Well, especially whenever I was gone.
So there you go. Unbelievable. Yeah. To be honest with you, the Coke was probably more valuable. Plus, you know, coming from a guy, nothing, you know, he paid something. I paid nothing. Tell me from a guy who always accused me of a mooch my whole life. And now I hear this story and I’m like, I grew out of it. I’m not a mooch anymore. I was back then. I learned my lesson. You were a mooch, man. You probably smoking all that guy’s weed and, Well, right. Banging his girlfriend and all that. No, no, no, none of that. None of that. No, but he did give me, uh, uh, his camel cash. Cause he was a smoker. I wasn’t. And so I got free t-shirts and stuff. Did you get like the red and white jacket? I don’t know. He had, I don’t know if he got that or no, it was at Marlboro. That was Marlboro. Yeah. No, he, if you’re, this is, people don’t really, there was a,
Joe Camel was like a cartoon character like me. Right. But it was for cigarettes. And it was really popular back in the late 80s. You could get camel cash and then turn it in for like stuff like T-shirts and, you know, jackets and bags and everything. And so he smoked all the time. And so I would he’d give me stuff from the camel cash every once in a while. He’d be like, you want a T-shirt? Oh, yeah, sure. With Joe Camel on it, you know, of course. Would you wear it, knot it up a little bit around the apartment for me? I guess. At that time, I probably could get away with it, but no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that would work out. My Britney Spears look. Oops. I did it. I’ve got you some short shorts, too, Bob. I hope you like those. We play mud volleyball together, he and I.
Oh, here we go. I’ve told you my volleyball story yes you yes you bragged about being your sport of choice was blood volleyball. Yeah, we played a couple of years. You were the tri-county champion or some try wizard tournament, we won. Yeah, I bet. But I did apologize to him while talking about your shitty garage and said i was a terrible root I’m sorry that I drank all your Coca-Cola. Jeff, it could have been a lot worse. Let me tell you. Let me take about half an hour. I’ll tell you every rotten thing this guy’s done that I know. He did have the bigger room. Oh, there you go. Yeah. And he used to sit around eating cereal in his underwear all the time. That was another thing. Hey, you like Froot Loops? Yeah. No, thank you.
I wake up on the weekend. I come walking out into the living room, and there he is in his underwear eating cereal. Hey, Bob, you want to come to the honeycomb hideout with me? Yeah, watching, you know, who knows why you rented. Hey, I thought you were sleeping. You like Smurfs, Bob? I’m just watching some Smurfs. Come on, man. Come on. I got honey nut Cheerios, Bob. Sit right here, buddy. Come on. Exactly. Oh, can I have some Coke? Yeah, come on, man. Come on, sit right by your big friend Jeff. Come here, man. Come on. Come on, honey. You sit right here now. Come on. Oh, my goodness. Okay. I shouldn’t even talk about all this. You shouldn’t. Thank you.

Bob finds out that even more of his high school classmates have died, while Miles is still on the mend. In other hopeful news, the Old Man stops by.

——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-

You can keep singing, Miles. Go ahead and sing. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Bob wax it to Jessica Pandy. Hey everyone, this is Miles. Hey Miles. Hey Jim. Jim from the doors. Wink. Yeah, I don’t buy it. Yeah, I think that is him. I don’t even know what I’m doing. Look, look, there’s my little pit. There I am right there. Oh. Is that right there? It’s hard to see your name’s cover now. Is that Hulk Hogan? No, that’s my logo for my podcast, The Old Man’s Podcast. Oh, okay. Oh, I see it now. Okay. I don’t see it. I don’t see it. I can’t see it. Well, you got cartoon eyes, Bob. That’s true. I’m looking through cartoons. You got cartoon eyes.
How do I make my screen small to join? I mean, like we were, we had the three screens up there. If you go to the bottom and click on the little four squares, you go… There you go. There you go. Welcome, everybody. Miles is still alive. We’re on Death Watch. Yeah, I’m back. Miles is on Death Watch, so thankfully he’s not dead. The devil tried to get me, but… Actually, I was just going to log in and listen, listen to you guys. And then I started clicking buttons. And before I know it, bing, bang, boom, here I am. There he is. Yeah. I’m here. I’m not listening to the show. I am in the show. You’re in the show. That’s what happens. Dan Haggerty. I was going to say Uncle Jesse. Uncle Jesse. Yeah. This is a good old boy.
Never meaning no harm. All you ever saw in the trouble with the law since the day they was born. Yeah. Miles is wearing his Daisy Dukes in memory. How Kamala can see in Miles is just that profile pic. That’s why he looks like a dumb guy. Yeah. Oh, so I get it. So you guys are incognito. Nobody knows what you guys really look like. And everybody look at me and go, oh, they’re going to. Yeah. Well, you look like 100 other people at Christmastime. What do you mean? I’ve had death threats. So I just kind of use that picture at this point. I’m going to be honest with this. Not even his own picture. Yeah. No, it’s true. He has in the past. He did have death threats. Oh, yeah.
We’re not talking about a lot of stuff. You can go read them if you want. Your comedy is that bad? Yeah. Well, maybe misdirected. I stepped on some sacred ground, so to speak. Yeah, people are too touchy. I don’t know, man. I don’t know when people want to drown me in a lake and stuff like that. This was decades ago even. Yeah. Well, actually, we started our careers being threatened. Yeah, that’s true. In college, we were on the radio in college. If you play that song again, I’m going to come up there and kill you. No kidding. Amazing. I guess maybe I’ve had death threats. I don’t know. But I think if I had, I’ve just laughed at him. Yeah, sure. Whatever. I’m an old man.
Now? Now you’re gonna speed up the process? Yeah, this is what 30 some years ago i was a young man. I didn’t want to die. I still don’t come on. Man, man. I wrestle with the grim reaper every day. You look like richard dreyfus a little bit. Oh, my goodness. It’s Mr. Holland’s opus. Yeah. Really? Yeah, a little bit, yeah. Did he have a beard in that movie? I don’t think he did in that one, but he’s got one now, I think. Yeah. Hoopa. Drive the boat. Hoopa. So the old man’s with us. We got Miles, who’s still alive and kicking. Yeah. Good job. I was going to tell a story about, you know, Miles had a, we’ll say a near-death experience. Why not?
Okay. Right. Yeah. And he’s still recovering from it. And then he commented last week about how all these people I’ve known, not just him, but I’ve known have passed away. And so this last weekend, I was helping a friend of mine do some stuff. And we went to school together, high school. And I got like about 10 more people on the list, Miles. What? Yeah, he’s like, oh, yeah. So he’s like, hey, did you know this David guy, he died from cancer? I’m like, what? When did this happen? Oh, my God. I spent like six hours learning about all these people who have died slowly over an afternoon. What about that girl you screwed in the rock quarry? Is she still alive? She’s still alive, yes. What about the girl that held your penis at Burger King? Is she still alive?
Still alive. Still alive. Mostly men have died. Mostly guys. Yeah, I couldn’t believe it. I was just like, what? It was like non-stop. We’d talk about something and they’d be like, yeah, oh yeah, so-and-so died. I’m like, what? Where was I? Where have I been? I got a story for you. What’s up? A guy I went to school, a friend of mine in high school, when we graduated. Did he die? No. He joined the Tucson Police Department. And he had been there for a couple of years. And I went down and I hooked up with him. And I started asking him about all the people we went to school with. And he goes, oh, yeah, we get these perp books to look at, you know, people with mugshots. He goes, yeah, I see people in there all the time. I go, really? He goes, yeah. I flip through the book and I go, oh, he’s dead.
Oh, yeah, he died. Yeah. Oh, yeah, he’s in jail. It’s like an after-school yearbook. It’s like the never-ending after-school special. I’m only a perp. You’re the angel dust. You know, well, I’m at that age, Bob, where every, you know, people I know, everybody’s dying around me. I mean, it’s like, you know, it’s like my neighbor, Bob, he’s a couple of years older than me. He’s the guy I used to go golfing with. And he’d say, he’d come over, he’d go, hey, hey, old man, you know, we’re next. I go, what are you talking about? He goes, everybody’s dying. You and I, we’re left. We’re the only ones left. We’re next. I’m going, hey, get away from me, morbid. death angel it’s a death angel. I mean, it’s one thing, I mean, you expect that you’re you know, your folks, your parents, and whatnot yeah aunts and uncles, all that is expected because of the progression of time, but yeah, your your compadres right your peers you’re not ready, I’m not ready for that. This is terrible. I’m never ready for someone to tell me somebody died. Like, I had a
a person I went to school with contacted me and said, oh, my mother passed away. And I’m going, oh. And I’m starting to think, well, I’m getting, you know, well, that’s kind of sad. She goes, yeah, she was 96. And I go, yeah, 96, yeah. Yeah, well. Yeah, it should be expected. Yeah, that’s like. I mean, how are you supposed to, and right then I realized, I don’t know, how am I supposed to feel when it’s like, you know, 96, 98, 100? Well, all right, well. Hey, good! Yay! About time. You feel like about time or it’s like, well, congratulations. What? You mean this was a decade ago? Didn’t I send you a card already? That must be some kind of record. Yeah. But the kind of the side effect of all this is then, of course, you have to tell stories about, oh, I remember them. You know, I’m like, oh, yeah, David, he was a dick. That guy was the worst. I want someone. I want
I want someone to be like that for me. I want someone to tell weird stories. Well, the other thing was, so David’s wife, I went to school with him. Him and his wife, they met in high school. They were dating. And his wife kept trying to flash her pussy in class all the time. That was the other memory. I’m like, well, David’s wife, Angie, she used to always like spread it. spread her legs and flip her skirt up in class, science class. She’d be like, did you see it? You’re like, what? I’m such an idiot. I’m sitting there. I’m like, what is going on? We were sitting in science class and I was like, I don’t know, maybe two people away or whatever. She keeps doing this. Everybody’s like, ah! I’m like, what? What is going on?
I’m like, they got married? I didn’t even know that. Well, she kept sending him invitations. Oh. It was like Morse code. Yeah. It worked. That is strange. How come I never had any strange people like that? No. Well, yeah, she kept asking, you know. It was like, it was really weird. I was just, you just have to, you know, it’s like, this is not normal. Somebody asked me about someone that I knew a while ago, and I was like, oh, yeah, yeah, I know. And I went into this big story about him, and I’m telling this story. And then halfway through the story, it dawns on me that it’s a scene out of a movie I saw. It wasn’t a story about him. I mean, how do you get out of that? How do you get out of that afterwards? Yeah, he fell in love with Winona Ryder. Yeah.
I didn’t even realize I went to school with Winona until I tell this story. Who knows? Yeah, I was in the back of a car. I don’t remember. But all these things kind of come out whenever you get around people that you hadn’t, you know, haven’t had a long period of time where you’re kind of sitting around shooting the, you know, the shit. And it’s like, oh, yeah, look, this comes, you know, this happens and that happens, you this person’s dead now. And, you know, then they, you know, it just all kind of intertwines into this weird situation. But yeah, I was, uh, I’m trying to think that was probably one of the weirder stories that came out of our conversation was, uh, Angie showing herself in science class. That sounds like the makings of a Hallmark movie. Certainly an eighties comedy. Yeah. Yeah.
this is bunsen burner and sheer panties haven’t come in science class you bonded me with science! Yeah. So, yeah, but it was just, uh, it was way oh that and that, and then there, uh, he, I don’t ever do this, so i’m not a person that, uh, reads, I don’t look I don’t read obituaries or look for obituaries or anything like that. That’s why I’m always stunned. Cause people tell me when people die, cause I don’t ever, I’m not on the watch. You know what I mean? And, um, so he’s telling me these people die, like, and then, then they died and they didn’t even mention their brother. And I’m like, well, their brother was like a big time drug dealer and got in trouble and went to jail. It’s like, Oh, is that why? I go, yeah, maybe.
He’s doing time upstate. He’s doing time upstate. Yeah, it was a whole thing. I was like, oh. So it was all these kind of weird little revelations that were nothing that really shook our lives necessarily, but certainly I’m sure shook other people’s lives. And we’re just kind of flinging them back and forth. Something that you would never expect to happen in your youth that all of a sudden you’re Like, oh, yeah. Oh, interesting. I was figuring Miles probably has some of these, too, I’m sure. Well, Miles just had an anniversary. You just wrote about it, Miles. You want to talk about your anniversary? My anniversary of my black penis? Is that what you’re talking about? Your last near-death experience. Yeah, that was my first, probably. Yeah.
No, I was almost killed 40 years ago here last week in a very serious car accident when I was in high school. And I was quite bruised in the groin area. Bob loves this story. I was so bruised that actually my unit actually looked black. Black. Like blood sausage. That was a real lady pleaser right there. I think my mom took a peek just to make sure I was okay. She’s like, you better remember this moment. You’ll never be as big as this again. That’s right. Best week of my life right there. That was a long time ago, 40 years ago. Wow. There’s been 40 years yeah years since you, uh, last killed yourself. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. That was the first time i had the crosshairs on me, but not the last wow weird yeah crazy crazy stuff crazy stuff is sure. Good times. I didn’t realize it was, uh, that close to, uh,
This time of year. I thought it would have been in the summertime or something. No, it was about a week after my birthday. Because you flipped over in a Jeep. I did not flip over. We slid sideways into a tree. Yes. Yes. Unless you didn’t get branched. Oh. Wah, wah. Yeah, that’s a whole Feinfeld episode, I guess. Hold on. Wait a minute. So how do we know, Miles, that you really didn’t die then? This could be purgatory. And me and Bob are dead. We died. And this is all purgatory right now. And we don’t know it. What are you saying there? That’s weird. There’s a lot of people that probably agree with you there. You’re freaking me out now. Yeah, really. You do look like the devil now. Oh my goodness. Well, you never know. Well, the curse is being Bob’s friend is the curse. I know that. That’s my pun. How am I cursing you? It’s like a Japanese life debt. You know, it’s like, Oh, okay. Hey, be on my podcast. You know, it was like 40 years ago. I don’t know. We’ll do it one time. Like, all right. All right. Next thing you know, it’s like,
28 years later or whatever. Still doing it. Here you go. I know. I thought, okay, one time, once and done. I think that you should be grateful. What else would you be doing with your life? You certainly wouldn’t be doing anything fun, that’s for sure. I don’t know. I don’t know. Well, I would be… It hasn’t really gotten me anywhere. I mean, it got the most obnoxious host to put podcast host award, I guess. I did win that, so everyone can suck on it. I did win that award, yes. I guess you say that. I guess you do say that. That was early days, too. We used to do some crazy stuff when we started, but we’ve kind of mellowed out. There you go. Yeah.
You guys don’t know, but I’m flashing myself under the desk here. We figured. He’s called himself Angie. That’s what she is. Talking about that girl flashing. I wonder if I can do that too. The other thing my friend kept doing was like, wow. He mentioned somebody who was young. We knew when we were young. She’s still good looking. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it was like talking to you, Miles. I’m like, what the hell? What is this? What’s up with this guy? Wait, what? I’m good looking. No, no, you would do something you would always do. You’d be like, oh, yeah, she’s. I was like, what is, you know, what is the fascination here? I don’t understand. You know, some age pretty good and some don’t. That’s just constant. Oh, yeah.
Like the classmate who refuses to believe that we went to college together did not age well, for instance. Who’s that? I’m going to mention her name. I’m not going to mention her name. You and I went to college together? Yes. I would say this girl’s name when she walked past us. Oh, she doesn’t remember? No, I went to like a class reunion like several years after that. And she’s like, oh, did you go to the same college as me? Yeah, we saw her a long time ago. Remember, I used to say your name all the time. I mean, come on, you were there. You saw me do it. I know, I would say it too. She had no recollection. No, no recollection that we had gone. Here she comes, Monica Lewinsky. How are you? There she is. Can you imagine her going to that first high school reunion after all that?
Hey, look, Monica. Hey, Monica. What’s going on? I got cigars. We’re going out for cigars later. Actually, I did stand by the ladies’ restroom just so I could talk to a girl that was in art class. God damn it. I’m going to talk to her. She’s still good looking. She was. That is Mel’s title procedure to hang out by the women’s restroom that two of your buddies are coming in. Sooner or later, they’re going to have to go. That’s right. It’s a perfect tip. As he gets older, the odds increase. She’s still a beautiful woman. I drink her bath water, man. She is good looking. Wow. Goodness gracious. You guys are wild. Then I found out another guy, his family was Amish. I didn’t even know it. We went to school together. Yoder?
It was a yoder. No, it was this other kid we went to school with. Yeah, you know, his dad was Amish, and then he, like, broke off from the religion, the rumspringer or something, and had a whole family. I’m like, what are you talking about? This makes no sense. Are you talking about Black Buggy Dan? Yeah, man. Black Buggy Dan. I didn’t know that. Yeah. I was just like, no, because I just remember he – Anyway, he dated this one girl. They would always get caught, you know. Yeah. Out and about, fooling around. And I’m like, really? His dad was Amish. Go figure. He’d splash her b-hole. I think cool girls are crazy. No, she’d show her knees. That was it. She was Amish. Flash a little ankle. Rude.
Yeah, but I mean, you know, I just don’t, we don’t, I talk to him regularly, but we don’t hang out for extended periods of time. When you hang out like that, we were working on stuff and, you know, you just kind of chat and all this weird stuff comes out. So, yeah. I wish I would have went to your high school. Damn it. Oh, well. Awesome. Oh, there’s a… I mean, it just goes on and on. I know. You told me about the theft ring and everything. Yeah, a lot of stealing. Car surfing. Balling chicks in the quarry. I mean, my God. It was all happening. You guys make me feel like I went to a… Catholic school? Catholic school, yeah. A little bit worse, actually. All the Catholic schools where I grew up, they’re worse. They’re way worse. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God. Just like the Mormon girls, you know. Yeah. They were wild. Mormon girls, they were something else. Did you try soaking? Huh? Did you try soaking, Jim? Did I try soaking? Soaking. Yeah. Well, you can Google it later, Jim. Don’t Google it. That’s where, okay, you put your stuff into her, but you can’t move, but your buddies show up. Okay, I did. They jump on the bed and do the motion. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That’s soaking. I think you’ve turned it into something else, Miles. I don’t think the jumping on the bed necessarily has to happen. Yes, it does. No, I don’t think it does. For real. For real. You go on a lot of podcasts, find some Mormons and bring them in here. I thought it was supposed to be no motion. No motion. Yeah, the soaking part is where you can’t have the motion. Yeah.
No, come on. I mean, maybe somebody. Everybody show up as a goof and they do it. Come on. Come on, man. Come on. I thought that, you know, you get there and then the motion was the guys in the room watching. They start bouncing on the bed. Yeah, right. That’s what I’m saying. But that’s not. I don’t think you have to have that part. Yeah, it is. Yeah. What’s the point of it then? What’s the point? What’s the point? What’s the point? You guys make me feel like I’m a virgin. I wouldn’t do it. I’m all embarrassed. You wouldn’t do it. Watch my buddy get a nut, man. What the fuck? I don’t want to see that. I want to see you and some chick in a Burger King bathroom. Me bouncing on the door. Oh my goodness.
Burger King. Yeah. Home of the Whopper. Hey, you want some ketchup for your fries? Goodness gracious. The great part is this lady was hosting a child’s birthday party during the break. Come on. Come on. No, come on. You’ve told this story many times. Come on. Don’t even… That wasn’t the point of my story. It was not this one. I was talking about other people. Tell it like it’s somebody else, Bob. Yeah, that’s all right. I don’t know. It’s just weird how I’m surrounded by death these days. Two weekends in a row now I’m surrounded by Everybody talking about death. Well, I’m telling you, Bob, the older you get, the more death is sitting there right with you. You’re going to get to the point where, like I said, you’re going to walk outside and Grim Reaper is going to be going, hey, Bob, what’s up? Wait, let me check something. You’re looking for miles. Let me check something here, Bob. Oh, no, not yet. You’re looking for miles. I knew it. I’ll go away before Bob, believe me. Yeah. I’ll go away before there’s so much.
Yeah, but that’s how we were when we were kids. We never figured we’d be this old. I never figured I’d be 72 years old. Good Lord. I was thinking about this the other day. Yeah, I was thinking, I never thought I’d be 72 years old. Oh, my God. There was a time in my life where actually I got up. One day I got up. I was going to get ready for work. I went in there and I was rinsing my face off. And I looked in the mirror and went, Jesus Christ, who’s this old guy looking back? I swear it was like that. When did I get this old? Yeah. It just creeped up on me. You’re the same age as my oldest sister, Voldemort. Voldemort. That’s why I call her Voldemort. That’s just because she doesn’t have a nose. That’s another sport. Yeah, that was when we were goofing around in the bedroom when we were little and I had that knife. I won’t go into that. It was a cheese grater incident.
So anyways, she was soaking and we were jumping on the bed. Things got out of hand. Caught me out on that one. You’re talking about high school reunions, or we were. I think the subject came up. I’ve never been. You’ve never been to one, really? I’ve been to two. I went to two of them. I went to my wife’s 50th anniversary. I walked in there, and she was pretty well-known. You’re the only black girl in the world. the only school, you know, the only black kid in the school, they’re going to know you. So anyway, she went in and, and she introduced me and, you know, and I’m walking around while she’s out doing things with all her friends and I’m walking around and you got the little name tab, Jim, you know, and I go, Hey Jim, what’s going on? I go, Hey Mark. Cause they got named tags too. Hey Mark, what’s going on? Hey. And then we started talking and I started talking like I was a football player. Hey, remember when we had that state game again, I fabricated this whole person.
from their high school. And people believed the stories, man. They thought, they go, yeah, I remember you now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You were the one that jumped on the bed while Miles was soaking. Yeah, I remember that. I remember that. It’s funny because there’s a huge age difference. Yeah, that’d be really weird. Anyway, when the reunion came, and she’s leaving, She’s leaving, and as I’m walking out with her, she was shocked by all the people going, hey, Jim, we’ll see you later, man. Good to see you again, man. Good to see you. We get out to the kitchen. She goes, what did you do? I just play a little ball. I’ve never seen these people again in my life. They don’t know the difference. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. If I could go back and do it again, I’d talk about soaking.
I think on that note, we’ll finish up then, as it were.

Transcript (AI transcription)

So, Dan, have you had any happy moments lately? I have had some happy moments lately. As a matter of fact, a couple months ago, I was in Detroit to see a Red Wings game. So I’d say that was definitely a happy moment. Did you catch the octopus? Unfortunately, no. I was very tempted to run on your rank and try and grab it. I was sitting too far back. Sitting too far back. Welcome to Mondo Frico. How’s everybody doing tonight? I’m here with Dan, formerly of the Happy Moment Podcast. It’s going great tonight. How are you? Can I say formally of the Happy Moment podcast? Sure. Okay. I didn’t want to bring you down or anything. Oh, no. I’m retired now. You can say it. Oh, okay. Happily retired from a Happy Moment podcast. But you can always go and go and check it out. So the Happy Moment podcast, and here’s the YouTube for it.
And then also you can hit him up on Instagram if you want to. And it’s available on all podcast platforms. I think I was on there for at least one, right? Maybe two. I can’t remember now. There’s two happy moments, perhaps. Oh, yeah. Always a happy moment when Bob’s on the show. Well, that’s very nice of you, Dan. You’re such a nice person. But Dan and I are going to talk tonight about… The Beast of Bray Road. Now, I’m going to give you a choice point here, Dan. So I’m assuming you know a little bit about the Beast of Bray Road because we talked previously in emails and you’re like, hey, I think I’d like to talk about that. And I said, OK, sure. But I can give you so we do a quiz. I can give you the quiz first or I can give you the quiz after I read a little bit of information about the Beast of Bray Road.
Which would you rather do? Why don’t you go ahead and do a little bit of information first? Okay. All right. He’s going for the information. Information first, and then we’ll do the quiz. How’s that? Perfect. So the Beast of Bray Road is a legendary cryptid reported primarily in the rural areas near Elkhorn, Wisconsin, particularly along the quiet stretch of Bray Road. While sightings date back decades, the phenomenon gained national attention in the late 1980s and early 1990s through the investigative work of journalist Linda Godfrey. Witnesses consistently describe a massive, muscular creature standing between six and seven feet tall, covered in thick gray or black fur, and possessing a face that resembles a wolf or a large dog. Unlike a typical canine, however, the entity is frequently observed. Observed.
walking upright on his hind legs or kneeling to eat, often displaying a chillingly humanoid physique and glowing yellowish-orange eyes. Unlike the classic folklore of a werewolf, which involves a human transformation under a full moon, the Beast of Bray Road is often categorized as a skunkowarkin-type creature or a relic prehistoric animal. Theories regarding its origin range from a misidentified large wolf to a bear, to more fringe explanations involving interdimensional portals or occult activity within the nearby Kettle Moraine State Forest. Despite numerous reports and local scares, no physical evidence such as a carcass or DNA sample has ever been recovered to prove its existence. Nevertheless, the legend persists as a staple of American Midwest folklore, cementing the beast’s reputation as one of the most terrifying and enduring mysteries of the Wisconsin countryside.
Now, you probably knew a little bit about this, didn’t you, Dan? A little bit, yeah. But I actually first heard about The Beast of Bray Road through the movie that was released back in 2005. Oh, I had no idea. It was a movie? The Beast of Bray Road movie? Yeah, yeah. You should check it out. Oh, my God. I will. I didn’t even realize this. That’s interesting. I read some articles. Yeah, I’m not sure if it’s streaming anywhere or not, but it’s a good movie. It’s pretty scary, actually. All right. I have to look this up now while we’re talking. This is something new. I didn’t realize there was a beast. I mean, I’m sure that there’s something on it, like a documentary, but I don’t know. Yeah, no, this is a fiction movie. A Beast of Bray Road. 2005. Is that the one you’re talking about?
And it’s most definitely a horror movie. Werewolf sightings in Walworth County, Wisconsin, lead a sheriff to investigate a series of deaths caused by a creature with human and wolf DNA. Oh, it’s on Tubi. Oh, sweet. So you can stay on Tubi. That’s a freebie, right? Yeah. Wow. See, I didn’t even know this existed. So I knew about the Beast of Grey Road for quite some time, but I didn’t realize that there was a movie. I’m surprised I told you about it. Yeah. This will be my weekend watch now. I’m going to have to watch this one. So what drew you to be interested in that? The movie itself or was there other connections? Well, the movie itself was interesting, but I’ve also heard a little bit about it through another podcast called
You can say what it was. What’s the podcast? On Wednesdays, we talk weird. Okay, but what’s the podcast? That’s the podcast on Wednesdays, we talk weird. I know, I’m I’m joking, yeah. On Wednesdays We Talk Weird, hosted by Ashley Hilt. Oh, great. And so were you part of the show or were we just listening? Just listening. Oh, okay. I wasn’t sure. Because you are – well, I don’t – that’s a good question now. So I read the little blurb there that I, you know, from my research, but I guess Wisconsin – Did folks up north consider themselves all part of the Midwest as well? In Wisconsin and Michigan and everything? Yeah, that’s all considered the Midwest region. Wisconsin, Michigan, Minnesota. Yeah, I never really thought about that. Because I’m from St. Louis, and so I always think of the Midwest as just around here. And then whenever you go further north, I just thought it was further north. I didn’t think about it being the Midwest still. Yeah.
So, yeah, I guess it’s all part of the Midwest then. But then if you get down to Arkansas, though, that’s not the Midwest anymore. No, to us, that’s the South. That’s the South, right. Pretty much about an hour or hour and a half past St. Louis, it’s the South. Okay. You don’t even have to get out of Missouri. I mean, and everybody’s voices, everybody’s accent changes. uh, quite drastically as you get down there. And, uh, yeah. And so then you’re in the South, you know, my, my giveaway for knowing you’re in the South is if anybody asks you if you want sweet tea, because in St. Louis, people don’t ask you that question. But as soon as you get past Cape Girardeau, that’s what do you want to drink? You want some sweet tea? It’s like, no, no, I don’t want any sweet tea. No, you know, you, you,
Yeah, that’s not really used in the midwest either. No, exactly. Exactly. So, uh, you were in michigan somewhere and, uh, and so the beast of bray road maybe did you hear about it as a kid or no? No, no, I, I didn’t hear about it until i i saw the movie. Until you saw the movie? So not until after 2005 then at least. Yeah. So not until i was an adult. Yeah. See, because I remember it, um, Well, you’re younger than I am, but I remember in the 90s because that’s when I think a lot of the articles were written from the journalist that I mentioned, which I blanked on her name already. Linda Godfrey was in the, I think sometime in the mid to late 90s. And there was a lot of activity and a lot of articles written about the beast back then.
But before we get into what we think the beast is, would you like to take the quiz? Let’s go for it. Quiz. Quiz. Quiz. Here we go. There, you should be able to kind of see the screen. It’s probably too small, but I will read out the questions for you. Don’t worry. Okay. All right. Here’s the first question. We got five questions, right? So we want you to get at least three of them right to win. But if you don’t, it’s okay. It’s not like you’re going to get a prize or anything. I’m sorry. Well, if you happen to be in St. Louis, I will take you out to lunch. But only if you answer, if only if you win the quiz. Okay. I will do my best. I’ll get you, I’ll get you some thin crust pizza. No, no pineapple. What are you? Come on, Dan. Come on. Did you know pineapple pizza was invented in Canada? No, I did not. Yeah. Apparently it was, you know, some kind of PSYOP. The, um,
Number one, in which U.S. state have the majority of sightings of the Beast of Bray Road occurred? I will give you the four choices. If you would like a hint, I will give it to you. A, Wisconsin. B, the state of utter denial. C, Michigan. D, Ohio. And remember, I can give you a hint if you want one. I will say A, Wisconsin. Wisconsin. Wisconsin. We got it right. I hit the wrong button again. Sorry about that, Dan. I’ll get it right here. It was right. The legend is centered in Elkhorn and Walworth County within the Midwestern state of Wisconsin. Very good. You got one right. On to number two. Who was the journalist credited with bringing the beast to national attention in the early 90s? Not late 90s. Early 90s. Linda Godfrey, Geraldo Rivera, the local dry cleaner making a fortune on fright-induced laundry or Art Bell?
I’m going to say a Linda Godfrey. Linda Godfrey is right. She was a local reporter who turned eyewitness counts into a foundational piece of modern cryptozoology. You’re doing great. I think you’re going to win this, Dan. I think so, too. I’m glad you’re so good about it. Yeah, you should feel good. Which of these peculiar behaviors have been frequently reported by witnesses of the creature? A, aggressive literate judgment of your library books. B, kneeling to eat roadkill while holding it in its paws. C, dancing to 1980s synth pop in the forest. Or D, teleporting into the back seats of parked cars. I’m going to say B, kneeling to eat roadkill. Oh, you’re right again. You’re going to sweep this. That’s right. Witnesses describe the creature using its front limbs with a humanoid dexterity that regular wolves don’t have.
All right. So you’ve already won. You’re already three for five. So you’re already a winner. But let’s just go through these last two questions. Okay. You’ve already won that Emo’s Lunch Special, which is a eight-inch thin crust, one topping pizza, a salad, and a drink. Okay. Am I going for the breakfast now? Don’t want to make it down to St. Louis. All right. The name Shunka Orokin is often used to describe this type of cryptid. What does it actually translate to? A, carries off dogs. B, shadow that bites. C, my dog is definitely not on a leash anymore. Or D, spirit of the tall grass. Shunka Moroccan. This one’s making me think. I got a hint if you want it. Is there a penalty for taking the hint? Nope, no penalty. I’ll take the hint. The name highlights the creature’s habit of stealing pets or livestock from camps.
How about A, carries off dogs? Carry off dogs is right. The name comes from the Loewe language and describes a wolf-like animal that preys on domestic canines. Wow, you’re sweeping. You’re sweeping. Last one here. What was the witness Mark Shackelman doing in 1936 when he saw the creature at St. Coletta’s? A, working as a night watchman at a local convent. B, aggressively regretting his career choices. C, testing a prototype werewolf-proof fence. Or D, selling vacuum cleaners door-to-door in a storm. I have a hint. I’ll take the hint. Taking the hint. He was patrolling the grounds of a Catholic institution. I’m going to have to go with A. There you go. That’s right. He’s working as a night watchman at the economy. Shackleman was on duty when he saw the creature twice, once appearing to pray or talk in a strange language. Wow, that’s a weird one. Look at that. Five for five, 100%. Got nothing wrong. That’s Dan having his happy moment here on Mondo Freako. Man, was there ever any doubt? That’s true. Was there ever any doubt? Let’s hear a word from someone, and then we’ll come right back. Mondo Freako. Mondo Freako.
Mondo Frico. Actually, that was six words. And here we got one more thing. Hi, I’m Robert from State of the Unknown Podcast. You’re listening to Mondo Frico. Hi, Robert. Thanks for doing that for us. So, Dan, you obviously know a little bit about the Beast of Bray Road. And you saw this movie, which I’m going to have to watch over the weekend now. Because folks don’t know, but dan and i watched um oh golly i’m gonna i thought i was gonna have it right there on my tongue. What was the stop motion movie we watched and we talked about? It was called the prime evils prime evils. Oh, thank you i i just lost it. I was thinking about it. And then whenever i started talking, I lost it to prime evils. So, uh, I’ll have to watch this one now too.
Your recommendation was to watch Primevals, and we ended up talking about it on Happy Moment. So, what’s your take on this beast? What do you think it is? I mean, more than one person has seen this. It is not everywhere. It only seems to be in this one area. So, what’s your thoughts? Well, given the Wisconsin’s close proximity to Michigan, I almost wonder if it could be like a dogman type creature. It’s kind of popular around here. That’s true. The Michigan dogman is a whole other thing, right? So this creature could have easily migrated from Bray Road over into Michigan. Yeah. So like everybody always has this debate about Bigfoot. Maybe not so much now, but it used to be that they would say, you know, there can’t be just one Bigfoot. Right. Um, so do you think that there’s like a whole, uh, bunch of dog men and then this one just happens to be on Bray road a lot. And so therefore that’s how he got called that or. Yeah, that’s, that’s a good question. I guess I never really considered that. Um,
I don’t know. That’s tough. I’m kind of leaning towards no. I don’t think there’s a whole colony out there. You don’t think there’s a whole breeding population of dog people? I mean, there could be, but just because they’re not as prevalent as Bigfoot. Right. Um, there’s just less of them. Yeah, it could be. Or they’re more shy or something. I don’t know. Yeah. I, I don’t know. I guess there’s, there probably, there probably are multiples out there. Um, but at the same time, I think it’s also been a while since there’s been any kind of sighting too. That’s a good question. I should, I should ask, I should ask the, uh, the crystal ball here. When was the last sighting? Right. Yeah. Yeah.
me do that while we I’ll just do for Beast of Bray Road since we’re talking specifically about that yeah We have all knowledge at our fingertips here, so we might as well utilize it, right? Oh, go ahead. What? I was just going to say, do you want me to tell you what it was in the movie or would that be a spoiler? Not yet, but we can talk about the spoiler. So the Golden Age was in the late 1980s, early 1990s. The most notable recent report of a large upright walking hair covered canine in Walworth County was in 2018 and 2020. These sightings occurred in nearby areas of Spring Prairie and Lyons, suggesting that if the beast is still out there, it might be expanding its territory beyond the 17-mile stretch of Bray Road. Since the 2020 report, there haven’t been any widely publicized or credible new sightings.
So 2020, I mean, that’s six years ago. Yeah. That’s fairly recent. That’s recent. I mean, yeah, at least it’s in this decade, right? Yeah. And like if the first sighting was what, like 1936? Right. Yeah, at least, yeah, that’s the one that’s been noted. Yeah. So chances are there’s probably at least a family out there. Could be. Let me see what the first sighting of the Beast of Bray Road was. typing skills need to get better. I’m trying to type. So the first sighting of the beast of railroad uh was that one that we, we talked about in 1936 the the nunnery uh watchman so that’s the first documented sighting was 1936. So 1936 to 2020. So, I mean, that’s, you know, we’re getting that, what, 86 years. So my guess is that it’s not, um,
It’s not the same one. Probably not. It’s probably the same. Average life expectancy of an old dog is 18 to 20 years. So how old do you think wolves get? Probably about the same, I’d imagine. You think so? You don’t think it’s less? Wolf, I’d say like 12 to 15 years. 12 to 15? Let’s see what it says. In the wild… Average lifespan of a gray wolf, uh, six and eight years in the wild and 12 to 15 years in captivity. Oh, wow. Wow. That’s kind of bleak. Now the weird thing is, uh, I didn’t see the beast of Bray road, but in my yard, my wife saw a wolf. I did not get to see it. Um, But there was a wolf in my backyard. I live kind of in a rural area. So there was a wolf in my backyard, according to my wife. And I have seen a wolf running, ran across the road in front of me while I was driving through the country. And so I know that there are wolves in our area, but I’ve never had anything like what they’re talking about with any kind of human characteristics.
And wolves are big. They’re kind of scary looking when you catch them. They’re bigger than your average dog typically. Yeah. What do you think you would do if you saw one in your yard? Not a wolf, but a wolf with human-like qualities. Like the Dog Man Bray Road thing? Yeah. I think that would be pretty freaky. I don’t know what I would do. I’d probably do what I always do, which is freeze and then get out of there. Because that seems to be my MO. I’m like, I don’t want to be any part of this. I don’t know. I think that would be really quite scary. Now, the question becomes, do I think that it is real and can happen? And I think it could. I think this could actually be
You know, there’s some cryptids that are so outlandish that they’re just not real. Right? It’s folklore. It’s stories. It’s, you know, things like that. Much like Bigfoot, Sasquatch, or whatever, I think that those are something. And I think maybe this has, because of the, like, Michigan Dogman, and there are dogmen in other parts of the country. Let’s see. How many, where all have sightings of Dog Man been in the USA? We’ll see what it says. Yeah, I’ve never actually looked at a map to see where sightings were. So it looks like in the Midwest and Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio, there have been sightings in Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, and Missouri. Oregon, Pennsylvania, and Maryland. And there have been urban sightings of dogmen in Chicago, Cincinnati, and even in new york city in the for in the perimeters of central Park. So, everywhere. Yeah, that’s a pretty wide range. That is a pretty wide range who knows maybe uh
My AI is hallucinating, which is another weird thing that happens. But yeah, I mean, you’ve heard of them in many different places. And so I would think that it certainly has more potential than other things. I’m trying to think of a cryptid that is kind of one of those ones that just is not as likely. Um, well, I’ll tell you the, the, I did a thing recently on the Jersey devil. Um, and the Jersey devil is pretty wild looking creature. And so far, I think there’s only, only the Jersey devil has only been seen in New Jersey. Oh, it’s not been seen in other places. And so that one, and it’s like a horse head with bat wings and, you know, it’s kind of an amalgam or there’s a thing called a snelly gaster, um,
it’s kind of an amalgam, uh, animal cryptid. And I think those kinds of things are a little more typical of, you know, let’s make up a story to scare the kids to keep them out of harm’s way, you know, keep them out of the woods and what have you. Sure. Um, what’s that trying to think of what, what it’s called. Um, there’s one, it’s like, uh, like a giant, um, fish that slides down a hill or something. Oh, right. Yeah. The, the slide rock bolter. Yeah. That one is, it’s like a whale that, um, is in Colorado that slides down the hill and then up the other hill slide rock bolter. Yeah. That one’s just too crazy. Right. Yeah. But I, I think the Bray road, the beast of Bray road or the dog men has the potential to,
to be, to actually be real. Yeah, absolutely. I don’t think that, well, do you think that they’re, um, uh, do you think that they’re, you know, like alien or do you think that they’re an animal? Um, I think probably animal. Yeah, I think so too. Even though it has human tendencies, I think it may be just some kind of weird offshoot that, um, has not ran its course yet. Yeah, I think that’s most plausible based on everything I’ve heard about it. There’s not as many sightings as Bigfoot, but there’s certainly a lot of sightings apparently. And it seems to fit kind of a… If you think back to… they don’t mention this, but if you think back into the Egyptian times when they had all these different hieroglyphs that portrayed, you know, uh, Anubis was a dog man. Yeah. Right. Uh, and he was the ruler of the underworld to the Egyptians, I believe. And then they had the bird, you know, the bird head people and the other people. So, I mean, I mean, everybody just writes it off as fantasy, right? They’re just making this stuff up. Um,
but, uh, I’m, I always err on the side that those people were in that time period. We’re just as smart as we are. It’s just, they didn’t have the things that they didn’t get the, the step up that we have because of technology and so forth. And so it wasn’t as if they’re all a bunch of idiots that were living back then and just like, well, I saw a bird man head or something, you know, uh, They, you know, I think they’re just as intelligent for their time period. They just didn’t have the exposure to the breadth of information that we have. It’s just like anybody. It amazes me because people will talk like that. But then the reality is if you have a topic area that you don’t know much about and somebody tells you about it, then all of a sudden the whole world can open up for you and you can understand it. Whereas before you had no clue.
Right. Um, and, and so it’s not because you’re not intelligent. It’s just because that information was never available. Yeah. Yeah. You, I feel like back then, back like in the, the days of ancient Egypt, I feel like, um, I don’t know. I think those might be, are more likely to be more alien than like, Of this planet. That opens up the dog man, though. Maybe he’s just coming back. That’s true. And Bigfoot as well. Could be. If only we had a time machine. Well, then there’d be no mystery to the world, would there? You just go, it’d be like, it’s like having Google where we just type things in and get an answer. We go, okay, let’s go. Come on, Dan, let’s go take a look. You know?
That’ll be social media of the future is people zipping in and out of time, shooting little, you know, holographic things to bring back to their time. Look, there was dinosaurs. I was there. You know? Yeah, great. That’s all we need is a bunch of influencers going back in time and messing up the timeline. That’s right. That’s what’s going to happen. I got a real actual Bitcoin. Well, actually, you can buy a real Bitcoin, but it’s not worth a Bitcoin. But anyway. But no, it’s very interesting. Now, would you be up to go like stake out Bray Road and hope you see him? Like by myself? Well, I mean, you can have somebody. I don’t know. Yeah, by myself, no. Maybe with a decent sized group of people. Well, you couldn’t have too many. If you get more than like three people, they’re too noisy. Any group that’s more than three people is just chaos. Don’t you think?
That’s true. But what if it’s like, uh, like a group of ninjas or something? They’re stealthy. Well, yeah, I suppose if they were highly trained people, then you would have, you’d have something there. But I think regular, regular people get to be too, you know, where is the slim gyms? And then they start talking and then drink, you know, and it gets to be chaos and everything happening there. I mean, I, I would do it with a group of like, you know, three or four people if they were people that I could trust to not wander off alone in the middle of the night. Well, you never know. Now, the interesting thing is there’s a guy, a farmer who lives on Bray Road who’s actually got pictures of the beast of Bray Road. Oh. Let me see if I can find those.
he’s been there for a while. And he, I think he i saw him on something. Um, and he did not, uh, believe it. And then, you know, something happened. Now there’s so many fake pictures i gotta find the one for that really of that guy because there’s everybody, you know, AI. Now everybody makes their own thing. I know i seen him. He was on a show. and recently showed them Yeah. I can’t remember what it was it might have been on the history, uh, uh, discovery channel. Oh, there’s just so much kerfluff out here that you can’t, uh, you can’t find them now unfortunately uh He was a really blurry one. So was it like a bad encounter? Did it come after him? Oh, I got a beast here. I don’t know if you hear dogs barking. No, it wasn’t. He set up a game cam and he was able to capture some images in the distance because he owns the farm on Bray Road.
And so he, uh, was able to capture, uh, some stuff. I can’t find any though. There’s just too much AI generated garbage now when you search for it. Um, and maybe he doesn’t put his up because, uh, he wants to sell them or something. Well, maybe. Yeah. But, um, but here we can put up, uh, here, I’ll share this picture. This may prompt something from you. There’s one right there, because that’s from the movie. It’s kind of like a machine gun. Goodness. There’s a blurry one from the movie there. So what happened? Who’s the beast in the movie? Well, so in the movie, and this is kind of a spoiler, but… In the movie, it’s kind of depicted as more of a werewolf-type creature. So it’s a human, and then it turns into this creature at night. I don’t know what the movie is based off of, but if they’re basing the movie off of
like some real encounter or something, then I’m more likely to believe that the creature maybe isn’t necessarily part of, like, a colony. Because you think of a werewolf, you think, like, you know, just like an isolated creature, kind of. Right. So maybe since, like, 1936, it’s been passing its curse down, you know. Oh, gotcha. It’s more of a werewolf. People at a time, yeah. Yeah. Interesting. I don’t know. It’s hard to say for sure. One of the stories that I heard about it was, I think this was in like the, oh, maybe the 80s or early 90s about a woman that was driving down the road. And I think she hit one and she didn’t know what it was, obviously. And she stopped her car.
And this creature, it got up and it charged after the car. And, like, she tries to get out of there and it’s running after her. And I think there were actually, like, claw marks on her car from where it latched on. Oh, yeah. I don’t know. Just when I heard that story, that was kind of chilling. That would freak you out a little bit. Yeah. I mean, like, because what else would do that? Not any like normal animal. Yeah. Maybe. Well, a big dog might do that. I don’t know. Maybe not. That’s true. So I don’t think we’ve come to any conclusions tonight on the beast of Bray road. I, I would lean, I would lean towards it’s some type of animal, maybe over the other more fantastical things. Sure. Um,
So are you there too, or where are you at? With your thoughts. Yeah. Um, I don’t know. I mean, it’s, this is kind of a tough one because like, I feel like there’s multiple possibilities here just because they, you know, it happened to be spotted like in Wisconsin by Bray road. So that’s what it’s known as now, but you know, it could be dog, man could be some kind of big foot. yeah it’s just hard to say for sure I think, I think it probably is something real. What exactly? I don’t know. There you go. I guess we’re not going to crack this nut tonight, but some interesting discussion on it. And also Dan won the quiz. So yes, I’ll be coming for that pizza. There you go.
There’s your quiz. One more second. We’ll be back in just a minute to wrap up. But hold on. This is Jonathan. And this is Heaven from the OpaGhost podcast. And you’re listening to Mondo Freako. Toodles. Toodles. Well, thanks, everybody, for listening and watching. And thank you, Dan. And if you want to check out the Happy Moment podcast, you certainly can. It’s still available. It’s out in the world still. the YouTube page for it. Or you can go and find it on Instagram and it’s available on all podcast platforms. So Dan, whenever you go out tonight, you know, watch out. There could be a dog man or the beast of Maple Street or wherever you live hanging around. Well, I’m not going outside, so I’m going to keep my doors locked.
pull the shades down. And if I hear any scratching at the door, I’m just going to ignore it. There you go. Ignore that scratching. So hang on a second, Dan, I’m gonna play some music out and we’ll see you all next time.

Miles birthday party takes a terrible turn, while Bob narrowly escapes a tumble.

——————————–Bad AI Transcript of the show this week——————————-

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be. Miss Nakamoto, you’re beautiful. Science! Hey everyone, this is Miles. Was that Thomas Dolby? You blinded me with science. You blinded me with science. What was the emotion? Yeah, that was a great song. Yeah, I know. Weird, very weird. Even for the time, I mean, people go back and think, oh, that’s normal. No, it’s not. That was not normal. Oh, yeah. That was weird. Yeah. Miles, miles, miles. Should we start with the fun stuff and then move to the depressing things? Yeah, if you want. Let’s do it. Well, I was… Miles had a birthday recently. And given what has transpired over the last, what, 80, 96 hours. Yeah. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am psychic. Psychic.
Well, I don’t know about that. Yeah, no, I’m psychic. You are psychic. Okay, let’s hear this. Because of what happened. I didn’t predict anything, but I took action when normally I would have not taken action. Yeah, okay. So Miles tells me, hey, it’s my birthday coming up. I’m going to go down to this place, pinball place, and you want to meet up there on my birthday. And I’m like, oh, yeah, that sounds interesting. Now, this is like two and a half or more hours from where I live. Yeah. And you’re like, oh, they don’t open until like five fucking o’clock. Okay. That’s not my fault, but yeah. No, I know, but I’m just saying. And so I’m like, Oh God, that means, well, I can get there, but then how, you know, I don’t want to spend the night. Right. Right. Cause you know, I like my, I like my bed. Right. And, uh, and so I’m like, ah, two and a half hours. Which normally I probably would have passed.
But I was thinking about it, and I said, okay. Yeah. I go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go, I’ll go. He’ll keep calling. Yeah. Yeah. Fair. So I agreed and I said I would go. Yeah. So I left early. I actually was late because I didn’t leave as early as I wanted to leave. But because there’s I didn’t realize it, but there’s absolutely fuck all nothing between where I live and where you live. Right. Yeah. Oh, shit. Yeah. Uh, and so, uh, I finally make it and you know, then at that point i have to pee like really bad and i’m almost out of gas because there’s not a goddamn gas station between here and there. And, you know, it’s like, it’s like the people, you know, it’s like living in the Amish, you know, neighborhood or something. It’s like, everybody’s just got a horse and buggy or something. Yeah. I’m driving along. It was actually a nice
drive on the way there. Cause it was, sun was shining, you know, I, I cut out across country for the shortest route, you know, I was in the middle of nowhere and, uh, and it was pretty nice. So then I get there. It’s like, I really got a piss. Um, because there’s, I mean, I could have pissed on the side of the road, I guess, but the closer I got to the destination, like the more sketchy it got, it was like, there was nothing. And then now all of a sudden I’m in the heart of Gotham city with chemical plants everywhere. Right. You know, the Joker’s going to pop out and get me or something, you know? So I had to wait till I, then when I got to the destination, then I had to drive two miles to find a gas station. I’m like, I looked at my phone, like there’s no closer gas station. Yeah. How do those people live?
I don’t know. I was like, I’m like, well, there’s a Casey’s down here, which that was my, there was some other like no name off brand, you know, called like Chuck’s gas or something. It was a little bit closer, but I’m like, Chuck’s gas doesn’t sound like it has a nice bathroom. Chuck’s gas sounds like Chuck’s gas sounds like there’s a camera. In the bathroom, you know what I mean? Your poop, yeah. Yeah, and so he’s like, I let everybody use the bathroom for free because I make money on the internet. Only fans. So, yeah, I’m like, yeah, Chuck’s gas ass cam. So I go to Casey’s. So then at this point, I’m late, but then the reality is you were late as well, so
I was bringing a whole crew of people. Well, that’s true. You had more, more. I was just by myself. There are loads of people. Yeah. So then we get there and I get to the place. And the first thing I’m faced with is like death stares. I’m like, it’s like you walk in the door and you can’t go forward. It says, go downstairs. Right. And, i opened the door, and i’m like, holy fuck, this is like steep yeah it’s the it seemed rickety, and the handrail is like made for like children under five or something. I couldn’t even hold on to it. Yeah, I mean, it’s old, yeah. I was like, holy hell is this is gonna do me in i’m gonna take a header down this, and it’s like 20 feet or something. It wasn’t even like a regular depth.
It is not ADA accessible. No, it’s not. No elevator, no… One of those little things, a chair you can sit in and take down. And I’ve, you know, I’ve got bad knees, and so I’m like, holy shit, okay, I’m going down. And then I get down, and it’s like silence to the lambs. I was expecting somebody to walk around the corner with night vision goggles on. All tucked in. Yeah. That would be you. Yeah, that’d be me. Yeah. So I make my way around this kind of labyrinthian basement area. And there you are with your family. Hey, you made it. It’s like, yeah, barely. I was waiting for these stairs to turn into a slide for Christ’s sake. welcome Mr. Bond. Yeah. And somebody goes, let’s start running so so then yeah this is where you become a real asshole, by the way. Yeah. Go ahead. I was an asshole. Keep going. Yeah. So then i said hi to everybody and, oh, we mean my drink.
Yeah, I was waiting for you to get the whole drink. It’s a bar, and so they have all kinds of good stuff, I’m sure. But I’m like, I’m very particular. If no one’s ever listened to this show, let me tell you. What could martini please shake? I’m very particular about everything. And so I’m like, well, do you got anything with a zero? And then the guy was just like confused as hell. Huh? He’s like, well, like, you don’t want any calories? I’m like, no, no, with a zero on the label. Yeah, you threw that dude completely. Yeah, he’s like, he didn’t even know what the hell I was talking about. Here’s a diet. No. No, not a diet. I want zero. Coke zero or Sprite zero. Listen, now, I’m going to tell you this, money puppy. People…
I guess people don’t realize that there’s a big difference between a diet soda and a zero sugar soda. Yeah, because then you’re giving like the whole chemical breakdown. Like, this has more than an inch share. Well, diet sodas typically have saccharin or some, but all the zero ones have aspartame. Right. But it’s not just aspartame. It’s a whole concoction of things to make it taste a certain way. Mm-hmm. And I was, I kind of tried to get that across, but he was not having any of it. I mean, this did not seem like a gentleman that was like, you know, low functioning. Like I, you know, no, he seemed like a nice enough guy, but he knew his sodas. So, you know what I’m saying? I was like, Oh, he didn’t give a shit what I was talking about. That’s for sure. Oh, here’s a diet, ma’am. So it brought his pushy. Yeah. So I just got some water.
I mean, you’d think I was, like, you know, pissing on his parade there. Yeah, and then you’re like, can I have some Perrier water? Well, I thought maybe he had a bottle of water, but no, I just got whatever spill was out of the thing on the… Do you have Poland Springs, perhaps? I need, yeah, Dasani, or, yeah, I don’t want Dasani. Do you have any Voss? Yeah. Oh, gosh. I would really love to have some Evian, but, you know, Yeah, you would have completely thrown them on that one. Yeah, I’d love to have some water from the French Alps, but yeah, or Fiji, Fiji water. Yeah. So yeah, I was a little embarrassed. Like, oh, geez. Yeah. So then you’re like, you’re like trying to corral me. I’m like, no, no, you see, it’s got a zero.
Most people would have just like, you know what? Yeah, let’s just throw in the towel and you’re going to sit there and debate it. Like, okay. No, listen, mate. I’m going to tell you this one more time. I didn’t realize it was going on for that long. It’s like some Monty Python debate going on here. Then we sat down there for a while and then we were going to go play some pinball. And I’m like, well, You know, where are we going for that? Up another fucking flight of stairs. Yeah. Crazy. And I don’t know if you saw it or not, but there’s a bathroom down there, like in the basement, but you’re not allowed to poop in it. I didn’t see that. Thank goodness. You cannot poop in there. They said they’ll watch you if you poop. Yeah, well, I mean, it was all… It’s a little different. It’s a little quirky. Yeah, so then I have to track up this…
A totally different pair of rickety stairs. Yeah. And then when we get up there, it’s like pitch fucking black. Yeah, it’s dark up there. Walls are painted black. And I’m like, my eyes. I’m like, oh, my gosh. I’m like, is Marcellus Wallace going to be in one of these rooms tied to a log or something? All the light is from, like, the pinball machines, basically. Yeah, that’s it. pretty much for most of it. It’s weird. It’s like, it’s almost like root, like little bedrooms or something with video games in it or something. Yeah. They’re tiny. They’re little rooms. You’re right. Except for the big room, but there’s a lot of little rooms. Yeah. It was like, Oh, like in someone’s apartment or something. All in all though. I mean, that was all the weirdness. And once we kind of got going there and I got away from the drinks, then, uh, yeah, yeah. I, uh, it worked. Everything worked out, but, uh,
My introduction to everything was like, oh my gosh, I’m going to fall down these stairs. I’ll be in a crumpled mess at the bottom. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I thought that too. So then we had a pretty good time and we played, you know, all the good stuff. I injured myself in air hockey though. You what? I injured myself a little bit on air hockey. We were playing yourself. What happened? I just fucked up my arm. I was like, I went in, you know, like it was right in the middle. I reached out. Yeah, but we play it at all. It was, it was like, uh, you know, it was an arcade. It had all kinds of good stuff. I was all machines, which I liked, but a lot of other stuff as well.
And they pretty much all worked. I think there was only one game that had like a bad flipper to it. Yeah, the Globetrotter game, which, yeah. I will tell you, the only thing I was disappointed in, it’s not, again, it’s not your fault, but when we were over playing by the Dr. No machine, that woman would not stop playing it. I wanted to get on that machine. I know, I wanted to steal her phone for doing it. I was like, it was getting late and then I had to, I had to makes a two and a half hour trek back. She loved that. Dr. No, man. Yeah. She just kept playing. And I was like, son of a bitch. I want to play that pinball machine. Bob’s all like, Hey, pussy galore. What are you doing over there on the, uh, I was like, well, I mean, maybe, maybe next time. What’s the old tool? What are you doing there on the video? So then, uh, you know, we had to call it a night and I wanted to drive back home and be home.
Before the next day. I wanted to be home before midnight, which I did barely. About four hours. What’s that? You were there for about four hours, right? Yeah, I know, but I wanted to get home before midnight. Well, you had a longer drive than I did, yeah. Yeah, that was great. I get a text from you, I’m home. Here I am still. I’m in the middle of nowhere. Thank God I gassed up the car. Oh, my God. And nothing was open. It was like… I’m like, don’t… I mean, I don’t go out very late anymore, but it’s like nothing was open. Absolutely nothing. Is there not any more 24-hour things anymore or what? I don’t think so. I don’t… I’m not young and go running around like I used to, but when I was young, everything was open. You’d go and, you know… Yeah, I know. I drive by, you know, I thought…
I thought, well, Miles is like, they have food here, but I’m not going to eat. Apparently, that was his play. And so then I was on my way back. I’m like, well, I’ll stop someplace. Absolutely fucking nothing. Well, you don’t know. I’m like… I almost decided to drive all the way to Springfield just to get something to eat. But I didn’t. I’m like, son of a bitch. I thought it was like, no, you know, giant… You know, a big semi-Poland gas station thing. There’s like nothing like that. Nothing. Nothing. It’s just farmland. I was like, I thought, you know, at least if I hit a deer, I can start a fire and have myself some venison. I heard Russia or something. There’s like nothing. Nothing. Yeah. We didn’t pass any things that were open. I’m like, God, dog. But this gets back to my being psychic because I went. And I know now the reason I went was not because…
i would normally go because i wouldn’t. Yeah. It’s because what your story is going to be about. I, well, I expected you to bail out. I’m like, I think he’s, he’s politely going to bail out and i’ll be okay with it. You know, I thought about telling you that i wasn’t coming and then just showing up about 10 minutes later. i’m doing like a whole han solo on me like yeah but then i thought, now that’s mean. No, that’s all right. That’s all right. I’ve been funny. I’ve been funny. So here’s the, before you get to your story here real quick. So I get back home. I talked to my son. He’s still awake when I get home. My wife’s conked out and he’s like, oh, so you went. And I go, yeah, I went. I’m really tired. He’s like, yeah. Oh, okay. And then the next morning he gets up and he’s talking to his mother. He’s like, oh,
I guess dad’s feeling real old. He thinks he’s got to go see everybody before they’re gone. Oh, that little bastard. This is before any of us knew what you’re going to talk about. Well, I feel bad because you’ve actually lost a lot of friends here. You’ve lost people. Yeah. At least in years. And that’s not funny. It’s a very serious thing. I’m very sorry that happened to you. Before I got there, and unfortunately, you’ve heard some of this already, but I was not feeling well. I had had some pains in my legs for several days prior to going to it. And even going down there, I had a lot of leg pain, especially my left leg. And everything is true, you said, actually, about that.
place. I won’t rehash that. We stayed a little bit longer than you did because we did order some food. I totally went back on my word and had food there. We left and we had three blocks to walk to our car. That was the longest freaking three blocks of my life. My back and legs hurt bad. I’m like, oh. I feel terrible. I parked literally within Like three car lengths of the door. Oh no. Yeah. We had no, no, no. Yeah. Did you see that bar next door? All those people that were falling out. I was just right down from the bar. I was just like, like a car length or two away from the bar. Yeah. We just parked like literally like three blocks away. But, um, I’m like, man, I am freaking vain, you know? And, uh, I was even feeling, cause we probably stood what about three hours?
plus playing video games and games. And like, you’re like, Oh, what are you doing? Sitting down like some pussy or something. Yeah. That’s right. Cause I ended up playing darts with your, your daughter-in-law. Yeah. Cause I had to actually sit down a couple of times. We were playing. Yeah. I didn’t want to go, you know, I’d be a little baby. Anyway. So, uh, I drove and I felt a little bit better and we got home late. Uh, and, uh, the next day, uh, which would have been Saturday, I guess. I’m like, fuck, my leg is fucked up. It was like a muscle thing. I go, this isn’t right. My wife’s been after me for like two weeks. Why don’t you go to the doctor? So I finally go and after about two hours, they’re like, yeah, you hit a blood clot in your leg. I’m like, what? Yeah. I’m like, okay, well, what
what do we do? Oh, well, you’re going to have an ultrasound tomorrow. Come back. The ultrasound person just left for lunch, so you’re… So you can just lay around with this thing? No, no. You’ve got to come back. Don’t they do anything? Don’t they, like, shock you or send sound waves to you to break you up or anything? No, nothing. Really? Nothing. And what? Drugs? No, nothing. Nothing. I was like, no, just go home. You’ll be all right. Go home. You know, my friend Mark died from a blood clot in his leg. That’s why I told you. Yes, you told me off the air. Yes. But the weird part about it, like the doctor, usually the nurse comes in first. Yeah, the nurse comes in. And immediately a doctor came in. He’s like, well, I’m doctor so-and-so. And he leaves. And this other guy shows up. And I thought it was a male nurse. He didn’t identify who he was. But he shows up.
with tattoos and bad-smelling cologne. He’s like… Who are you to say what cologne smells bad, mister? Come on. He’s not wearing Drakkar Noir like I would. Oh, okay. Polo? Was it polo? I don’t know. Liz Taylor. I don’t know. Liz Taylor diamonds. No, it’s weird. I’ve never been given this question in a hospital, but it was like, do you feel safe at home? He’s asking you? Yeah. Oh my god i go i yeah like i’m thinking like like you like i’m afraid of falling or my wife beats me up or, well, I don’t know. I was like, I go, well, only when my wife told me, I don’t feel safe, but i mean i don’t think we have a weird question for like one dude that’s a dude like you know
I think that’s a new thing they ask everybody. Did he, did he ask you if you wanted to kill yourself or take your life? Oh, that was the other. Yeah. So I started like, you know, using the hand signals, like, you know, making a fist, like really fast, you know, like, and this lady’s like, okay. And, uh, she, you know, she’s like, I gotta do both your legs now. So sprawl yourself like a. like a frog. What? Oh, is she going to scan him or what? She’s going to do both her legs. All right. They put the gel on you, but the problem was she’s up by, you know, the business area, you know, of your, uh, you know, your hay nanny nanny, you know, and he’s not lubed that up. So now she’s like in the pubes, you know, and like pushing this thing down. And I was like, Oh,
She’s like, she goes, he could use a little more blood up here, honestly. Oh, his blood flow’s getting better. Yeah, there’s not a lot of blood in this area. Well, the weird part was, like, usually radiologists don’t say anything, like, give you, like, their own opinion or conclusions or anything. Right. Oh, yeah. No, she’s like, oh, no, you got blood clots. Yeah, right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did she point at it? Did she put a marker on it? Oh, yeah. No, she had all these different colored pictures. Like, here it is. It looks like the Millennium Falcon going through your vein. You see it? Yeah. There’s your nuts. Yeah. I’m like, okay. And then later on, I get a phone call from like, this is ER. We’re calling in some medicine for you. All right. All right. Okay.
And so, like, I get in line. I’m trying to go to the drive-thru of this new pharmacy I’m using. There’s, like, six people ahead of me. This place closes, like, in half an hour. Right. It’s taking, like, six minutes each car, at least. They’re going to close this one. They’re going to cut you off. Why don’t you just go inside? I can’t walk. Oh, okay. And I get up there, and there’s some girl, you know, a bunch of face piercings and such. Yeah. You’re going to have to talk to the doctor because you’ve never had this before. Yeah, thank God. I’m like, yeah, right. Okay. And I can see they’re shutting the lights off inside the store. I’m like, oh, fuck. This guy shows up. They got those shitty microphones. You know, it’s really shitty. It’s like standing like three feet away from this thing giving me instructions. I mean, it is like Charlie Brown. I cannot hear you.
get by the microphone. So I get this slightly each time. I bet she gets just a little bit closer. All right. Now go home and kill your family. I just would have said, yeah, I was like, okay. Yeah. Got it. Yeah. Check, check. And, uh, so yeah, so I did that. And then, uh, I saw my regular doctor today and yeah. What the hell are you doing, son? No. Everyone’s so chill about it. Like, oh, yeah, you’ll be fine. Don’t worry about it. Are you sure? Like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it. Well, it’s one of two things. Yeah. Is it going to be fine or… No. It’s not going to be fine. No, it wasn’t even that. Like, oh, you’ll be fine, pussy. What are you even doing here? Oh, my gosh. I go…
yeah, I got this stupid thing. I’ve got this stupid, it’s an inherited thing. I have like a blood clotting thing called factor five, which originates, I think, in Sweden, I believe. Okay. Because I’m kind of a mutt, right? So I’m like, yeah, you know, that thing, that Swedish disease. He’s like, oh, I don’t know. He goes, I’m from Greece. I don’t know. He goes, Ikea? Ikea? Well, So anyway, that’s been my whole experience with it. But yeah, it’s weird. You’re okay now, though, right? Yeah, now I’m going to be taking eight daily pills. Oh, that’s fantastic. Maybe you’ll stop snacking. At this point, yeah, my meal will be the pills. Yeah, that’s good. With my Pepsi Zero, apparently. Well, you had Diet Pepsi to be
yeah totally transparent yeah all right oh my gosh. This is harrowing, but see, that’s why i went. I went because yeah, you just had a close call, I think. Well, thanks to your son for jinxing me. Well, I don’t know these jinxing you he just was he’s he’s been witness to all these people dropping like flies, so it’s not like He’s in a vacuum or anything. He’s his own Polish Nostradamus. Yeah, he’s wishing death on me now. He’s like, oh. No, he’s not wishing death on you. Miles doesn’t die next, Danny. Yeah. There was a slight debate between him and my wife about whether or not you look better or worse. Yeah. My wife said, oh. I think Miles looks better than he did last time I saw, you know, pictures of him. And my son goes, no, no, my God, it looks gray. And pictures. Yes. I look very great. Yes. Well, no, I mean like your skin and everything. What? Yeah. He goes, Oh gosh. Yeah. He looks, that’s what he kept saying. And I’m like, really? And me to me, you’re just another weird shape floating in my world. You know, I’m not,
that tuned into any of that. So like slammer from ghostbusters apparently. Yeah. Well, I wasn’t there for you eating the nachos though. Thank goodness. My gray skin. Thanks a lot. Jesus. Well, that’s what I’m just telling you. I’m reporting back when he said, and my wife was like, no, no, he looks better. Yeah. Oh, wow. Cause I, I took a couple of pictures. of everybody, you know, and there they knew i was up there and they get the pictures of, you know, like shoot up to the cloud right away. That was not quite real time, but they were uh taking a look. Yeah. See what i was doing yeah great yeah yeah okay and then and then my wife says, she’s looking at me, she’s like, why are you taking pictures of the pinball machine?
because it’s because that’s the interesting part. Yeah. That’s what i thought. She’s like, really? I go, well, yeah, that was, that was why i was i was there yeah like you were winning every game i’m like oh that was not intentional no that that part was not part of my, uh, My psychic ability. I would have thrown every game had I known that you’re going to be in such bad shape after this. You have like 23 million. I have like 3 million. I would have thrown them all. I would have thrown the air hockey game. I think you did. You started throwing the game after a while. You’re like, ah, okay. That’s kind of boring. I knew it. You should have finished me, man.
finish me no i i would i hey i never even when my kids were little, I never threw any games. That was just part of the process. You should have swept the leg. You should have swept the knee. Yeah. Yeah. But I will, I will. I mean, I’m glad that you’re okay. First of all, I would I’ve been very, um, upset about this whole situation? No. Oh, I have, honestly. In all honesty, I’ve been very upset about this. now How many times do i text you more than like once uh when you want to eat. You’re like, did you see the picture of myself well that’s because i’m being a jackass. On a regular one You did show some genuine concern. Thank you. That was very nice. I was very upset. I have been. I’m glad you’re doing fine, but I’ve been very upset about all this. But I will say I did have a lot of fun. I do love to play games. Well, we wanted to go there anyway, so I go, okay, well, two birds, one stone. I’m sorry. I didn’t know you weren’t feeling good. I just assumed you always don’t feel good, so that was just a one-off.
Oh, yeah. So, yeah. But it was very fun. I did have a lot of fun. I just wish I didn’t have to drive two and a half hours. Yeah, a little bit. But, yeah. But, you know, you’re alive. I’m alive. I’m great. I’m glad. I’m hoping that it’s not anything worse. I’m puzzled because… You know, I know somebody who had this that passed away. And so, you know, maybe it went longer or something. So it scares the crap out of me to hear about it. So you said that I was like, oh, my gosh, this is like, you know, horrible. Oh, jinx. But I’m glad you’re fine. I’m glad they’re saying that it’s not such a big deal because it really, you know. I would think it would be. But it’s like, no, you’re fine. Don’t worry about it.
Or maybe they’re just making you feel better. I don’t know. Forget about it. So anyway, take care of yourself, Miles. I don’t know what you got to do. I’m sure the doctor said something. No. He didn’t give you any tips on what to do not to have this again? No. Seriously? Yeah, no, I’m serious. I’m 100% serious. That doesn’t sound right. You’re going to be out of new medicine here, kid. There you go. What was it? Forever? A forever medicine or just temporary? No, no, no, no, no. Today medicine, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. I feel really bad. On that cheery note. Can I say something? Yeah, go ahead. Doctor says, he goes, son, how’d you get in this condition? That’s it. Family tradition.
It’s a family tradition. You got to say it like that, don’t you? Yeah. Oh, okay.

This Week

Gemini said

Bob LeMent hosted Canadian comedians and podcasters Darcy Fiander and Todd Van Allen, co-hosts of the O Show Pod (OK So Here’s One), for a wide-ranging conversation that blended comedy with anecdotal observations about life in the Great White North. The trio discussed the essence of “street jokes”—simple, classic setups like the “Guy walks into a bar” variety—and shared the origin of Todd’s podcast, which serves as a platform for celebrating these timeless bits.

OSHOpod.com

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, everybody. It’s Lament Tonight. And tonight we got Darcy Fiander and Todd Van Allen with us. How are you guys doing tonight? Darcy, you were mentioned first. Go first. I did that on purpose. I’m good. Bob, it’s a delight to be here. Thank you so much for having us. Because Darcy usually doesn’t say as much. And so I thought I would just throw him out there. Yeah. Yeah. This is the most uncomfortable you’ve made him in his own house. Well, you guys live in Canada. He’s got an air conditioner behind him. I’m like, what is going on with this guy? No, no, no. When it dips to like minus 12 Celsius, that’s when you go, it’s too hot in here. Oh, okay. Yeah, I can see that. I can see that happening. So you guys are both from Canada? Yes. We just established that. We were actually talking about…
Tim Horton’s putting his privates into a box for you on demand. And if anybody likes donuts and whatnot. And so, yeah, you’re here on Lament tonight. Thanks for being here, guys. We really appreciate it. And hopefully we’ll have some fun. And I think what I’ll do is I’m going to turn it over to you guys to do a little monologue for us of sorts. A monologue? Okay, well, actually monologues are not my forte. Darcy, what do you have? All right. What’s going on? What’s in the news? Darcy, for people who do not know, there it is. That’s exactly what I was going to talk about. We are the co-hosts of the O Show pod, which is OK So Here’s One, a podcast celebrating street jokes. What we do is we bring on a guest. Bob, you’ve done the show at least twice now? I think so, yeah. I think after the second time you said
Don’t come back unless you’re bringing presents or something. Nope, that’s absolutely wrong. Every time your presence is there, that is presence enough. But we will also make sure that we get a street joke out of you. Do you remember what your first street joke was that you told us? Oh, I told, I basically, I told the Monty Python joke. That’s right, that’s right. That’s the essence of street jokes. Street jokes are just in the common, because they would have stolen that for their script. Right, oh. Right? So it’s just like, it’s jokes that are just out there. Guy walks into a bar, that sort of thing. You know, three chickens are sitting on a stool, like that sort of thing, right? Do you remember what your joke was? I do. Okay. What was it? It’s a call and response kind of joke. So my dog has no nose. How does he smell? Horrible. There we are. That’s the show. That’s the show. Well, we talk with people beforehand, and they can come on and promote the things that they’re promoting, right? Yeah.
we forgot to do the promoting part. Oh, no, trust me like there was there were times on the previous essence of the of our of our podcast where publicity people would be in the room, and an hour in, we’re talking, and suddenly you go, like, what’s what’s that what’s that do you hear that? And that is just the publicist drumming their fingers going, when are we going to talk about the project when when does that happen? So we don’t do that now. And actually, it’s weird. For about the past month and a half, everyone’s been promoting their shows at Fallsview Casino. Oh, really? We have been on a run of a whole bunch of guests that have come on like they’re doing Fallsview Casino in Niagara Falls. And so they come on and they’ve been promoting their shows. It has been great. It has been great. Again, you’ve been on. I don’t know if you performed at Fallsview Casino. You should. Not to my knowledge.
I was up actually by Niagara Falls, and it was during COVID, and they wouldn’t let me cross over. Right. Sorry. Yeah. You’re sorry. I was sorry, too. It was right there. I couldn’t see it. You’re looking around, and you’re like, this is the shitty side. I did not want to tell you. I did not want to say. I’m like, the nice stuff’s over on the other side. I can’t go over there. I know there’s an Applebee’s. The shitty side has now got something these days. Because it’s so cold, the American side has frozen. No! Are you serious? Yeah. It’s running underneath it, but there’s a huge ice formation over the top. Really? It’s actually something to see. It’s like a sneeze guard for Niagara Falls. It’s just
People coming in looking for the baby corn with the tongs. There’s a chocolate fountain around here somewhere. Yeah, exactly. I have friends that have just invested. I somehow got into this and I really don’t know how. There’s a bunch of people that I don’t even work with. It’s like a friend of mine who kind of works with them. And they have like a bi-monthly, it was bourbon tasting, but now since the problems, we’ve moved to other liquors and it was rye for a while. Now they’ve rotated around. But someone found… I’m going to ask you about the problems. Importing the things? Yeah, there’s that. There’s that. I have a stash of some things that I have been whittling my way through very gradually. I’ll put it that way.
just in case the contraband police are listening. But they found a, like, you know, the chocolate fountain that you mentioned, which is just like this constantly cycling thing. They found one of those, but for old fashions. Oh, okay. So you make a, I guess, a picture of old fashions. You pour it in this fountain, and then you just Don Draper your way through the night. And it’s interesting. Yeah. Let’s talk about the new Camaro. The dead mill pen will tell you that it’s bitchin’. It’s bitchin’, that’s right. I can’t believe right now, at this moment, at this exact moment, we have now halved both of our audiences. There is no reason to watch either of these performances. there’s no reason well we will be at the casino yeah a couple weeks that is right. Well, I, you can cross the border now uh yeah i know it’s gonna be a question of which bridge, but you’ll be fine. You know, I might just walk the sneeze guard to be honest with you. Yeah, that’s true. Actually that it was actually to to darcy’s point um because the canadian side has, has much like what? 10 times the water that goes over.
There was on record a time where it was so cold that it froze. There’s pictures. I’ve seen that. I’ve seen the pictures. That’s the easiest time to go over in a barrel. I don’t know. It’s like a slope. Maybe a little harder fall. I don’t know. No, because it’s soft at the bottom. It’s all that water. What if there’s stalagmites No, never even thought of that. Right. I can’t remember whose joke it was, and I’m going to butcher it. Someone asked me what the difference is between stalagmite and stalactite. I was like, well, stalactites have a C. They hang from the ceiling. And stalagmites have made me want to question every decision that I’ve gone through up to this point. Yes. Yes. That’s it. Oh, my goodness. So, yeah, I guess that’s our monologue. Well, what’s the weather there on this Canadian side? We got to get the weather report. We may have to do metric. I don’t know what the conversion metric is. No, just do metric. I’ll convert. Okay. I’ll be like an interpreter. So, we actually had a warm day today. It was minus 20. That’s about 35 Fahrenheit. No, no, that’s way lower.
I know. Oh, no, no. That’s. Hang on. Double it. Net 30. So if I subtract this, it should be 15 degrees Fahrenheit. OK, 15. Well, I’m just making everybody feel comfortable. So like we were like minus 20. And so I actually got to wear a lighter coat. It was it was nice. Darcy, what was it in Toronto? Balmy minus seven. There you go. Jesus. So you were back in shorts. Well, you had the air conditioner on for Christ’s sake. You got that air conditioner. Just walking around the house and his wife runs the heat. Seriously, though, seriously, my window is open on the other side, further down the room here. The window is open with a fan blowing in air from the outside. Really? It does. Was energy free in Canada or something? I mean, for me, it kind of is. I’m not paying for heat.
And it’s the old, old hot water radiators. Right. Yeah. So they were cranked up when it was really cold. And it takes a long time for it to adjust. So when the temperature goes up, it just cooks in here. Right. Wow. Yeah. Windows open. It’s like turning the Titanic. Yeah. Yeah. Right. And your answer to that is ice. Yeah. Ice. So. Well, there you go. The only application of that particular word that is actually working. It’s 40 degrees here right now. Okay, so that’s… Hang on. Fahrenheit. Yeah, so that means subtract 30. So you’re like 5 degrees Celsius. Yeah, that sounds about right. Wow, you’re good at math. Who knew? You know what it is? Literally, it’s double it and add 30. So when you go Fahrenheit to Celsius, you do the opposite. So you subtract 30 and then cut it in half. Yeah. That’s what you do. I think that old adage applies to many other calculations. Double it and add 30. Oh, yeah. That’s…
Sweetheart, what’s my wiener and Fahrenheit? That’s, uh, yeah. Yeah. Everybody loves that one yep so so uh hold on a second, guys. We have a little, a message from the, uh, sponsors here. I don’t know i shouldn’t say sponsor because, uh, maybe it’s not a sponsor, but let’s, uh, Let’s take a look. Here we go. Thank you. Oh, there you go. That’s gorgeous. Except they don’t have, like, knives and grenades in their hands. Yeah, no, it’s all very sweet. Now, not to be totally outdone, let’s see. I’ll make sure I got this. I got another thing that we’re supposed to show as well. Here, let’s make sure I got this one. I thought I had it queued up, and then I don’t. Okay.
Because of all the confusion. Right. This is going online right now. I’m just seeing like live and there’s a clock. It is, but there’s no one watching. Okay. All right. Okay. You know what? Basically like one of my shows. Exactly. We’re good. I’ve never felt more comfortable. Don’t even worry about it. Don’t even worry about it. But I do that. I’ll explain why I do that later here. Here’s the other message that I’m supposed to play. Okay. Here we go. That’s Darcy’s got a new thing coming out called Darcy is Lost. Darcy is Lost. Darcy, where are you right now? I have no idea. So I can’t speak for Darcy’s. It’s a new project. You certainly haven’t brought it up in staff meetings. It’s in progress. This is how I find out, Darcy. This is how I find out.
The Reference to Butterflies is my second comedy album, and I’m actually in the process of getting the third one. Oh, you should have told me. I would have done some horrible AI thing for that. No, no, no. First of all, I don’t even have a title yet. I was going to say, what part of the process are you in now? We’re at the panicking to try and find someone to record it stage right now. I don’t have a title yet is the title. That’s Tom and Alan doesn’t have to tell you. You know, I think it was Brian Adams’ Reckless album, I believe it was. The record label would not let him call it this. He was going to call it Brian Adams Hasn’t Heard of You Either. Why wouldn’t they let him do that? I don’t know. It’s the same reason that Darcy and I were in an online trivia with a guest of the show,
A friend of ours, Terrence Palazzo, he runs Trivia Nights. Does he still do the online one, Darcy? I haven’t seen it. I haven’t checked. No, I’m not sure. Okay. But he made his money. He’s an actor and a comedian as well. Whenever I do write him up, he’s one of my first go-tos for writers. He’s a very, very hilarious roast writer. And he would do across the city in like three or four different venues, Trivia Nights. And that’s how he made his money. But then during COVID… there were no bars open. So that dried up on him. So we did it over Zoom. So Darcy and I would do Zoom trivia with him. And so I patched it through my computer. So Darcy and I were on a Zoom call and that was being patched in. So it was like, it was, I was really impressed with how I was able to do it. I couldn’t do it right now. Again, I could not repeat it. It’s just like the moon landing. Yes. It’s like, how’d you do it? Don’t ask. I don’t know. I wrote nothing down. But our first trivia…
Uh, team name, uh, was and walnuts for crunch. And then we shifted to just because I said it once and Darcy laughed and then I don’t think ever laughed again because he reads out the, the, uh, Terrence reads out the team names, uh, of everyone that’s in the, in the show. And so he has to read them out just like I have to read out all the rows. Uh, so this is my kind of getting back at him. And so we called our team. I’m not reading this one. It’s racist. Oh, there you go. Yeah. We only left once. Only left once. And then, and then I said, Oh, we should call it that. And I think he had, uh, he had a couple of these in him and went, Oh yeah, sure. Let’s do that. Great idea. So to answer your question about, about the new album, uh, dates are set. I’m doing, um,
doing dates in march in toronto uh fourth through seventh or eighth at absolute comedy there that’s the warm-up and then the recording will be uh in ottawa absolute comedy there the last week in march uh so we’ll be recording at least over at least three nights possibly four uh and then hopefully that will give me enough raw material to put an album out oh okay four times I’m overlapping four times. There has to be something there. There has to be. That’s what I should call it. There has to be something there. You could always call it, you know, the better side of the falls. Yeah. Well, then I’ll never sell any in the U.S. They don’t know that. They think it’s vague. They’ll be like, yeah. Oh, that’s right. Yeah, we are the better U.S.A., U.S.A. And then whenever you’re there, you’re like, yeah, you know, the better side. So I would do like, I would have to have two covers, like one that’s red, white, and blue.
And then just red and white up here. Well, you can just have the sky. Yeah. Do the, do the sneeze guard falls. That’s right. Sneeze guard falls. There’s the album title. Sneeze guard falls. Sneeze guard falls. See, I don’t like, here’s the thing. I love having albums that have something to do with the, with the actual content. Like where there’s like, like part of the setup of like, cause butterflies is one of my jokes really is, is, is a line out of one of my jokes. So I like having that tie in. I have friends of mine that don’t do that. And it drives me nuts. Yeah. You need to go all the way back to, you know, Led Zeppelin and just call things random cashmere and right. You know, whatever. If you listen to like a lot of EDM, like I do, none of the, none of the names of songs make any sense at all. Yeah.
I had a friend of mine. I loaned him. I don’t expect anyone on this screen to know this man. There’s an electronic outfit called Photek. P-H-O-T-E-K. Oh, Photek. You know them. Of course. Who could forget their Christmas classic? I gave him this album. It’s all instrumentals and it’s all pretty hardcore electronic stuff. He said, I’ll listen to it on the way home. then bring it back to you uh tomorrow because he he took the train in and out of work. And so he gave it to him he comes in the next day, he hands it to me. And his first words were, why do they bother naming the songs? Because they mean nothing. So I’m always afraid of that. I’m always afraid probably because of some, you know, persons like, we got to have a name for this tradition dictates yeah you know right
I don’t know how we’re going to make a table of contents without a name for the song. You could do it like some shows do on Netflix where like, you know, they’ll sometimes if the, if the writers have, if the writer’s room has put in, you know, some, some graft and craft to it, they’ll actually title the episodes. Like breaking bad was great with this one, uh, that entire season where it was about, um, Jesse’s girlfriend overdosing. And then the father crashed two planes cause he’s in there, uh, Sorry, spoiler alert. Yeah. Breaking Bad. But all the titles of the episodes led to like aircraft, like they’re all called like aircraft down over AQ, you know, EQ, like whatever the airport code was. PDQ. PDQ, yeah. So, and then there’s the other shows that when you go, ooh, I wonder what the title of this is and you pause it and it’ll tell you the title and it’s, oh, sweetheart, we’re watching
episode three. There’s a lot of those. Yeah. Everybody plagiarizes all those. And then there’s, uh, friends that always did, uh, the one about the the naked guy across the right. So it would just be the one about, and it was so clever. They had this book on friends, you know, friends, the compendium or whatever it was, and they had an index of all the episodes. and every page was like A blank, B blank, C blank. And then you got to T, the one about, the one about, the one about, the one about, the one about. And that was the funniest part of that show. Well, hold on just a second. Gary Lyman, the Fleetones are going to play us a little song. Okay. Yeah, Gary, you ready to go? One, two, three, four.
That’s nice. We don’t want to get too far into the lyrics. You know, Gary, I think he reminds me of something that I did once. And to the point where I have taken it too far, much to the secret of my wife. I was homesick one day, and this is before we got married. And it was like one of those like really bad flu things where you just like, I can’t move. It’s just like, I don’t want to do anything. So I just started firing in my DVDs of the Sopranos. It’s like, this is, this is what I’ll watch. The one about. Yeah. The one about strangling that guy. And the one about, you know, yeah. Polly Walnuts eating ketchup packages in a van, you know? And so I, I, I, I listened to the opening credit music and then, and I,
just kind of, Oh, I’ll skip through it. And I, I just hit the, the, the remote button once. And what it did is it played it at 1.5, the speed. And it sounded like an amazing dance track. Like it just like, it just, it gets everything lined up. It just sped up, sped up. The tempo is great. And then when the fills came in, they came in much faster. It was, it sounded like this really great. I was like, Oh my God, it might’ve been the medication. And so my wife got home. And she’s like, I brought you soup. She’s usually like, how are you feeling? And I went, sweetheart, you’re not going to believe what I just did. And know that she’s Italian. So like we were watching this brand. I said, watch this. And I went to the opening credits and I played them on one and a half. And I was like, isn’t this amazing? And she went great. And then went downstairs and made dinner. But to the point where I actually recorded it. Oh, yeah.
So that, you know, I had it as a piece of music. And then at our wedding, it was on our playlist. In fact, let me just, we won’t get in trouble because we edited it. Let me just find it here. You still have it on your phone? Yes, I do. Here we go. Okay. Just 1.5. That’s all you got to do. Now, do you think either one of you could tell me what song I played? It was something by the Jackson 5 or Michael Jackson, was it? Yeah, it was a Michael Jackson song. What was it? Which one was it? It’s Rock With You. Oh, right. Rock With You. Does he do the 1, 2, 3, 4 off the top? No, no. I have that. That’s a song. Okay.
That goes with whatever Gary gets mad at me. That also goes with this. Bob, you are a great asshole. Oh, beautiful. Thanks. Darcy, I hope you’re taking notes because this is the sort of morning zoo nonsense that we need to bring into our show. We’ve recorded that. Be careful what you wish for, Todd. Just clip that out. Now, let’s transition. Let’s play an improvisational game if you’re willing, both of you. Darcy, you can just crank up the AC. Okay. I’ve got several. Darcy, Darcy, you know that’s my joke. Come on. Come on. Sorry, but I improvised. You’re stealing my bit. I think the names will kind of tell you what it is. So first one, World Gone Mad. What a Story. Mind Guck. You’re an Expert. Word Spew or Ask Not.
From those titles, is there anything that jumps out and you say, I want to play that game? Darcy, you pick. Word spew. Word spew. Okay. All right. So I’m going to give you guys each an identity. Okay. And you need to respond to random words as if you are that person. For example, you’re a Benedictine monk and the word is calligraphy. Okay. How do you respond to that? just as an example. My hand is so tired. There you go. I somehow made the monk Jewish. Well, I don’t know. I think that would be, is there a Benedictine rabbi? I don’t think so. Maybe. I think the Benedictine part kind of called this a quill. Yeah. So Darcy, you’re a fishmonger and Todd. Okay.
You are a washing machine repairman. Beautiful. Awesome. All right. And I’m going to generate some random words here. Okay. Random word generator. And we’re going to answer from the point of view of Darcy. What did I say? I’m a fishmonger. You’re a fishmonger. By the way, he’s from the east coast of Canada, so this is right up his street. Oh, well, then. Most kids have paper roots, not our Darcy. God cheeks. God cheeks. Todd, you’re a? A washing machine repairman. All right, Darcy. Catapult. Ice fresh. The improv stylings of Darcy Firener. Todd. Yes. Resonance. Resonance. See right here, there’s your problem. Right here. Your washing machine is tuned into the key of D. There’s the problem. Because if I take the C tuning fork, you hear that? That’s resonance. That’s no good. That’s why your colors are bleeding.
All right. Darcy, marmalade. I told you it’s fresh. It’s nice to see Darcy really put his back into this. Just came in going, whatever he throws at us, I am ready to participate. All right, Todd. Glimmer. Glimmer? Yeah, glimmer. Glimmer. Glimmer. See, there’s your problem right there. That’s why your console, you can’t read it because you’ve got to buff that down to a shine. This is part of your regular maintenance. You put in the Javics. You do the tub clean. You make sure that it air dries. You’ve got to use that little hose at the bottom. You’ve got to wipe that console down using dish soap. Don’t use anything abrasive. A nice clean microfiber cloth. Make that glimmer like a son of a bitch. Oh, there you go. He got it in.
I was wondering for a moment. I’m like, okay, where’s this going? A lot of people say that about me. Darcy, Sparrow. Now you may think that’s fresh, but… Come to think of it, yeah, it’s fresh. It’s fresh. Oh, okay. It’s fresh. I wish we were on stage at Second City right now because it would be the first time that one of the participants punched one of the other participants. Was that in the scene? He kicked him, like, right in the balls. That was… All right, Todd. Thistle. Thistle. Sorry, thistle? Thistle. Thistle. Like the plant. Yeah, like a plant. Well, here’s your problem right here. This is why you’re not getting spin here. I don’t know what Highland Games you went to. What were your kilts and your gellies and those socks with the little sashes there? Someone brought home a thistle. It’s jamming it right up in there. Jamming it right up there is your problem. Right. Also, it’s really fresh. I forgot to tell you how fresh it was in there. A nice fresh thistle. Who’s been hiking?
So Darcy, last one, Nebula. Am I having a stroke? If you need it, I can put it on the screen for you. Like Password or something. Oh, yeah. Nebula. Password, dude. I tell you, the Nebula. Always nice. Always fresh. Always fresh. There you go. Oh, honestly, I always sit on your chest and just feed you. All right, Todd. Last one for you. I think a lot of the good ones are gone. Bicycle. Bicycle. Bicycle. Okay, here’s your problem. This is your problem right here. I don’t know who thought it would be a good idea to dismantle a BMX and try them doing it. This is a washing machine. It’s for clothing. What are you thinking? What are you thinking? This is not for spokes. You don’t put chains and gears in your little banana seats. No, it’s for permanent press at worst. That is what we’re doing here. Who would do that? That’s your problem. And that’s what she said.
Yeah, that’s what she said. Also, it’s very fresh. That’s okay. Fantastic. Thank you. Thank you. Very good, you guys. That was a great job there. I thought we were just going to get that as fresh from both of you, but I don’t think we’re going in that direction. Yeah, that’s how we do improv here in Canada. We’re going to do a game. It’s called Is It Fresh? Is It Fresh? Right. We’re in this game. We try and find the quickest and lamest route. Yeah. It’s fresh. It’s because it’s so darn cold. It’s always fresh. It is. It’s always cold. No oxygen gets to anything here. Nothing at all. So let’s see. Our next stop on this tour here, we’re supposed to chat a little bit. So what do you guys want to talk about? We talked about the…
Niagara Falls. We talked about fishmongering, repairmen. A lot about home appliance repair and maintenance. Yeah. So let’s talk about, let’s get into, because the only way to have a good podcast these days is to talk about entrepreneurship. Oh, yes, of course. So let’s talk. What are your five-year plans for your entrepreneurial goals? Well, I can’t speak for Darcy, but the way I live my life, five years, that’s a distance. I don’t think that particular car is going to finish the Le Mans, if you know what I mean. You haven’t got five years in yet? I don’t know. Oh, my God. There’s a cat. The cat just knocked down. He’s wondering why that air conditioner is not on. Right. Goodness. Do you know what time of year it is? So that is from the Instagram. That is the Nunu. Oh, there you go. Actually, his name is Nacho, but his name used to be Nunu when he was a she. And yeah, I know nothing about cats. Right. Tell them about… Tell the people about how Nunu came into your life. Um…
was dropped off, passed through the window of a car from somebody drove it all the way up from hamilton ontario told us it was a, was a girl named union uh was you know, was a stray, uh, non-chipped, healthy other one. You know, but was beating the shit out of her other cats. And, uh, so she had to get rid of it. So we took It ended well. For a while there, all these things were stacking up to be a negative. It’s not chipped. Don’t worry. It’s not chipped. Nobody’s tracking this cat. I can tell you that right now. This is all above board. We took it to the vet and said, yeah, you think this is a girl, huh? Let’s just have a look. Nope. That’s your problem right here.
No, no, no. He doesn’t have a microchip. Doesn’t have a microchip. Well, we’ll just check, you know, just to pass the wand. Okay. So we should stop right now because this is somebody else’s cat. That’s no point in you paying for this exam. But then turns out the original owners let us keep. Oh, they didn’t want to, they didn’t want the cat either. Well, it was, it was passed around a bit. Um, and from, it eventually had, uh, it did, uh, escape at one point. So it was lost and was picked up. And, uh, but, um, yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah, we love nacho. There’s the name of the album, how darcy got stuck with a cat. Yeah. And I will have zero jokes about that. Yeah, that’s right don’t even don’t even talk about it. Right. The, the,
So no five-year plan for you with your entrepreneurial? Well, I’m hoping it doesn’t take me five. Oh, sorry, Darcy, go ahead. What’s your five-year plan? Todd said he doesn’t have a five-year plan. Well, I’m assuming it will take me less than five years to edit an album. Though who knows? Who knows? Yeah, five years is a long time. Mike Calci says, I’ve got odds against you. Yeah. Do you guys get all those things for Kalshi and all those betting, uh, apps? Oh man. No. Kalshi is the thing you can bet on anything. And there’s so many right now. Yeah. There’s so much sports betting. Yeah. Yeah. Up here as well. Yeah. Yeah. Really? Oh, yes. Yeah. It’s I don’t gamble. Um, but yeah, I think you are with that cat. It’s up. Yeah. You, you literally get messages up here. It’s like, do you have a gambling problem? Uh,
We can help. This ad is sponsored by Bet365. We can help. Payday loans. Big-ass payout brings you, please help yourself. Help is just around the corner. Well, I’m glad to hear. Honestly, Todd’s entrepreneurial answer sounded like he did have a gambling problem. But no, I have a my teams don’t win problem. Oh, okay. That’s my problem. I have nothing to do. Here’s my thing. I enjoy I enjoy putting a bet on things because it juices up the stakes a little bit. Yeah. But the thing is, I don’t go crazy. Like I bet I bet one $5 bet. And it’s not on every game. Oh, just like in nine times out of 10. I’m like, Oh, fuck, I forgot the bet on And then I see the final score and go, ooh, dodged a bullet. But I will just put on five bucks and go, let’s see how this goes. And if I get like a nice bet booster where it’s like, you get it like an Ottawa Sanders win, Stutzel with a shot on goal and Kachuk with a goal. Pays out five bucks and I get a hundred. It’s like, let’s give that a shot. And maybe it’ll happen. Maybe it won’t. It’s just, I don’t care.
I was like, do I have a problem? He’s like, no, because I forget to do it half the time. It’s the worst addiction to have when you go, oh, shit, I forgot to fuck myself up. I was going to say, you may have the answer to all this problem. It’s just forget. Just forget. Just have a very feeble mind. Your memory is the problem with your gambling problem. It’s a memory problem. It’s not anything else. Yeah. If you just forget, you’d be fine. That’s right. No big deal. because then you ask, you said, did i get hammered last night? Well, actually, no, you might have that’s where the drinking comes in. I drink and then i get to forget. And then i don’t right right you ever uh you ever you ever uh put something tasty on a game there bob uh no i’m not i’m not i’m i’m a horrible anti-gambler in a way i suppose i don’t like to gamble on anything. I was in las vegas this last year and uh with a bunch of people and,
And yeah, everybody was like, oh, are you going to play? I didn’t even play a one-armed bandit. I was there for like a week. Yeah. I didn’t do anything. I was just like, no. I will. And this is how you can tell you don’t have a problem. Because again, I will forget. But you go down to Vegas and go, okay, as soon as I lose this $100, it’s done. I’m not going any further. And that’s it. If I’m playing poker with my friends… you know, which is kind of a nice night out. Go to someone’s house, you get a whole bunch of, like, you know, firehouse subs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You joke around. Three hours, you lose $80, and it’s like, I just spent an $80 cover charge just to hang out with my friends. Spent $80 on a stupid firehouse sub. Exactly. That’s, you know… Have you had one of those, Bob? I have, yeah. They give money to firemen or something. Yeah, they do. And the meatballs are just, come on. Yeah, yeah. They’re like…
They’re like, we are not going to give any of our money to firemen, but we’ll certainly give your money to firemen all day long. They’re really just a conduit. Yeah, yeah. We’re helping you out. We’re passing the boot, you know? Sorry. Well, guys, it’s been great having you here tonight. I’m sorry we had some technical problems earlier on. No, don’t worry about it. Everything seems to have worked out. And don’t forget to go… Check them out here at Osho Pod, which I’ve already forgot what you said it was. Now I was going to say. Bob, you’ve been on it twice. I know. I’m in recovery for gambling. And so my memory is failing me because. So I should be clear about the title. Like when you’re looking for a title, not unlike comedy albums, it’s like, okay.
I was looking for something that encapsulated kind of what it was. So the long form of the title is, okay, so here’s one, a podcast. Well, I was expecting the K. No, there’s not. Well, there isn’t like, oh, like, oh, K-A-Y. But it was brought to my attention. And this is like something I’ve never heard of where apparently there’s like some weird philosophy or cult that’s called Osho. Oh, really? Yeah, and a friend of mine who came on, and I’ll say again, actually, it was, it was like, so, are you okay? I was like, yeah, I’m fine. What’s Osho Pod? It’s like, okay, so here’s what it goes, oh. I was like, what? What is it goes, oh, I thought it was about this guy, and I looked that up and went, oh, mother. Again, the memory problem helps you avoid a cult. You’re lucky. I mean, our last podcast, Comedy Above the Pub,
The great acronym, Cat P. Cat P. Yeah. That’s good. We’re not good at this, Darcy. We’re not. No wonder you can’t come up with a name for your third. No, no. Tom and Ellen is not good at this. And then the reviews will just write themselves. Proctology, that’s something? Who ever heard of that? Right. Don’t beat my bippy. Todd Van Allen, proctology. Just looking for a catchphrase. Maybe it’s in there. I thought it was the guy who helped everybody take tests. Yes. Beautiful. Thank you for being here tonight. We’re going to get played out here by… Gary Lyman, The Flea Tones. And you guys hang on here for just a minute, and we’ll see you all, the rest of you, whoever you are, next time. Thank you.

Bad AI Transcript

Hey everybody, welcome to a conversation with Bill from the Where Have You Been podcast or WHYB podcast. So where have you been? For a minute there, I was thinking just WHYB and I know that’s not the name of the show. So it’s kind of interesting the way it works out that way, WHYB. Yeah, I’ve had people try to tell me I should push it that way, and I feel like that would just confuse people more than I already confuse people. And at WHYB podcast on most of the socials, I guess, right? Yeah, pretty much everywhere. Oh, good. We’re just going to get these things out of the way. We’ll hit them again later, but I always like to just start off with that. So people, you know, they’re like, I don’t really want to listen to Bob.
Bill’s the interesting one. Let’s just go listen to him directly and just forget this whole Bob situation. So then they’re all set, right? So they don’t have to think about anything. That’ll do. So, Bill, why are you asking people where they’ve been? Are you the government? Officially, no. But unofficially, I guess someday you’ll see. Honestly, it’s something that, you know, obviously… Well, maybe not everyone knows, but you were also a guest on my podcast as well. That’s how we met. And I wasn’t sure if you knew that. So now you do. Honestly, it’s just something that I have a passion for travel. I’ve had a passion for travel for many years and just found that having conversations with other people who are passionate about travel just turn into very long conversations and they’re very enjoyable. And so I thought, well, I have a radio background. Maybe we turn this into something fun.
Oh, yeah. There you go. Look at that. I’m being all fancy here. So this is your website here. Where have you been? Yeah, no, that’s fun, though. I mean, it is interesting that, you know, sometimes people ask that question, but not all the time, right? So some people really aren’t interested in where people have been, but honestly, it tells you a little bit about the person, don’t you think? Whenever you find out, you know, if this person’s been to certain places, doesn’t it kind of like, Oh wait, this, you know, puts them in a little, and I don’t want to say categorizes people, but it certainly gives you an idea about them perhaps. Yeah, for sure. And I think that you and I may have even touched on this when we talked before that really travel, I think really kind of opens your eyes to,
what’s really out there in the world and really can enrich your life in so many ways. And so when you find out that someone has traveled around, you know, even if it’s just around the U.S. or whatever, it’s still I think it does. It does tell you something about somebody. A, they’ve got they’ve had some funds to be able to travel. No, that’s not what we’re looking for. But yeah, it really does kind of tell you something about somebody, I think. And it doesn’t mean that someone who hasn’t traveled doesn’t have that. had some enrichment in their life or some fulfillment but it’s just a completely different thing once you actually do it if you enjoy it well but the other thing would be not so much not, but you, then you find out, well, they don’t like to travel. Maybe they’re like, no, I don’t want to travel anywhere. I don’t, I just stay home. And so then that, that says something as well. Right. So, um, not that there’s anything bad with it. It’s just, you know it everybody’s uh
you know, kind of personalities are all different. And so all these things help make up your personality in St. I’m from, I’m in St. Louis, Missouri. And one of the, one of the weird things about St. Louis, I’m not originally from St. Louis, but I moved here when I was, you know, out of college. The, one of the things that people always ask people from St. Louis who grew up here is where did you go to high school? And they ask that question because then it gives them an immediate, huge amount of information on that person. Because depending on where you went to high school and depending on what era now, it’s becoming less and less relevant, but it was very relevant for people my age. And it gives the person who you’re talking to, okay, now we know you went to the county school. We know you went to a city school. We know you went to a private school.
And so then it kind of shapes the conversation because then you go, oh, then maybe you know this person or that person or whatever. And so the travel question is kind of a similar setup, right? So you ask the person about that. You’re like, well, for me, I’m like, well, I’ve traveled mostly domestically, right? So then you go, oh, have you been here? Have you been there? And it’s like an almost immediate narrowing of topic areas for you, which, so you don’t have to sit there and go, well, you know, it snowed last week. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I’ll be honest with you though. Most of the people that I talk to, well, especially, especially when, with the podcast, I don’t talk to a lot of people who, uh, has, who says, uh, I traveled once or twice and I just didn’t really like it. That would be a very short podcast episode, but you know, I’m sure that there’s people out there that that’s happened. Um, a thousand percent. Um,
My mom was one of those. She she enjoyed she enjoyed vehicular travel, did not care for airplane travel whatsoever. And so she was very limited. But so I guess I’m not really tying that together because she did, I guess, enjoy travel to some degree. But she just didn’t really want to do the long range travel, you know. So is this recently or in the past? Because I think airline. airline travel has changed drastically over the last 20 years. Yeah, it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter. But then, you know, my dad, who’s still alive, God bless him. He doesn’t really care about travel either. Like we used to take the family trips when we were young. We used to do Florida. I grew up in Western New York. So we would go to Florida every winter for a week or two or whatever. And in the summertime or spring, we would go to Cape Cod, Massachusetts. And that was basically it, unless we were going to see family somewhere.
And my dad’s somebody who just, I don’t think he, you know, he might go see his brother down in Texas or wherever he’s at now. But again, it’s, that’s a trip to see family, not a trip to travel. And so. That’s interesting. And that makes a difference as well. Right. So because I think, I don’t know, statistically, I can’t answer this question, but I think families are more dispersed nowadays, like say in the 21st century here. than they were in the 20th century. And so there becomes a lot of travel just to see family because you don’t get to see them regularly. Like before where everybody was each other’s neighbors and everything. So that could be a change as well. And for some people like myself who are very lucky and blessed, you have family who lives in New Zealand, which is where I’m heading actually in a couple of weeks to see my daughter finally. Oh, wow. That’s right. Yeah. She’s a Kiwi. She’s a Kiwi then.
I think you and I talked about it. I wanted to try to get there. Well, now I’m actually going. So thank goodness. Wow. Now, how long a flight is that? Start to finish from Pittsburgh, which is where I’m based. It’s about 24 hours each way with layovers and such. So where are you going to bounce from? Like, where do you go? Which is the points of switching or at least waiting? Well, they are located in Wellington. So I’ll bounce to Dallas and then it’s straight from Dallas to Auckland, which is at the very upper tip of the North Island coast. And then a little, just a quick flight from the tip to the southernmost part of the North Island. Yeah, there’s a show called Wellington Paranormal. I’ve heard of it. You should check it out. Maybe I should before I go, yeah. Yeah, just in case. That way you can avoid some nastiness down there in Wellington because it’s a comedy show. Yeah.
But that’s a long way to go from Dallas all the way to Auckland. You’d think they would break it up somewhere in the middle. I guess there’s no real place to break it up. Not really, I don’t think. No, I think it is what it is, man. You’re going to load up in Texas and then be on the plane forever. Yeah, I just feel bad for those around me. I’ve got to find something to stop my snoring. So do you sleep on the plane? I guess you do. I would never. I have a hard time. I typically don’t. No, I typically don’t. So the longest trip I think I took, I’ve been to Europe a handful of times, but I feel like the longest flight, maybe it was just because it was my first ever international flight, was to Athens. And I did not sleep on the flight. And I had a really rough go.
Because we only had like one day in Athens and then we were taken off for Santorini. And we walked and walked and walked and it was hot. And we wound up in a museum near the Acropolis or whatever it was. And I literally fell asleep standing up. Oh, no. Yeah, literally fell asleep standing up. And it was time to go get some coffee after that. Oh, my gosh. I’ve never done that before or again. That’s wild. Yeah, I’ve never. I got to try planes either. I’m, I’m always, you know, not, I don’t, I’m trying to think. Well, but I’d never, have you ever sleep in the library when you were in college or anything in school? I don’t think so. I wouldn’t doubt it if I did, but I don’t read, like, I don’t remember that. I’d like to think that there’s some kind of connection between people who sleep in the library, public sleeping. Usually the library seems to be the first place that people do their public sleeping. And then, uh,
that than other places, right? So on a plane or on transportation of some kind or just anywhere. I’m much more of a private sleeper. Yeah, I don’t like to be asleep in public for whatever reason. I think maybe because I was a younger brother. Sleeping is dangerous sometimes. Yeah, if you have an older brother and you’re the younger one, then yeah, falling asleep can be falling asleep at the wrong time could be detrimental. Yeah. I was the youngest, but I was the youngest by nine years and I had all sisters and they basically took care of me growing up. So I never experienced that. I’m sorry. Well, you got, yeah, you didn’t get beat up or anything then. No, my matter of fact, my youngest sister would defend me if anyone was coming after me. So, wow. I have had a terrible childhood apparently, and I didn’t even realize it.
Yeah, I don’t know what to tell you. I think you might have to see some therapy, talk to your brother. Maybe. So that’s not what this show is about. And therapy is not a joke. I don’t mean it that way. So why did you decide, you know, you’re like, I want to ask these questions. Did you do this because you’re, you know, looking for free tips, finding out where people are going that are cool? Or what was the driving force? No, if anything, it’s been the worst part of it actually is hearing about all these wonderful and amazing and incredible places that I either never even heard of or places that I have heard of but really know little about. It’s been many years removed from school where we learned the basics about a lot of these places. So I honestly just, it does two things for me. Again, I think that it’s so interesting to hear people’s stories and experiences. If you don’t know the podcast,
we don’t focus on tips and tricks at all. As a matter of fact, I try to steer clear of that stuff. Not that some doesn’t get sprinkled in, of course, and I’m guilty of doing it as well. Sometimes you got a good juicy tip and it’s good to get, get it out there for everybody. But I just, I fell in love with just hearing people’s stories and experiences. And I, and I know this sounds really cheesy and I don’t know if I told this to you before or not, but I literally feel like it would be such a shame if some of these people’s experiences go to the grave with them because it’s, Some of them are very touching. Some are very moving. Some are just hilarious. Some are scary, like, you know, life threatening situations, things. But I just feel like it’s what a shame if those don’t are never heard by anyone. And not that they were wasted experiences, but I don’t know. Like, does that make sense? I just feel like. No, you’re kind of cataloging or capturing these experiences because I think a lot of folks don’t.
necessarily think like that. Right. So they’re just like, it happened and I’m, you know, happy to talk about it, but i’m not going to do anything more than that. Um, and so they don’t ever, um, you know, capture things in a format that’s other than in their own, you know mind as it were yeah or photographs which yeah but even photographs don’t tell a story, you know? Right. That’s true. I mean, yeah. It may all look fantastic. And then you’re like, yeah, we were stuck in because of COVID, which is actually one of my favorite things about having an, and I don’t do a video mine’s audio only, but I do ask my guests typically to send me some photographs of the places that we discussed. Cause sometimes there’s funny stories in there or some really cool ones that you can try to create a visual in your mind. But then once you actually see the photograph on like Instagram or Facebook or something and you go, Oh yeah, I listened to that episode. I remember when he was talking about that or she was talking about that. It’s then you can really put it together.
Do you think the fact that your parents were a little more, I don’t want to say restricted, but didn’t travel very far afield, does that push you to think about these things? No, no. So if you want to go back even a little bit further, so I worked in banking now for the last, off and on for the last 15 years, I guess. And When I started off as a banker, I actually just found myself, I’m just intrigued by people. I’m just intrigued by humanity and human’s existence. And I just always felt like when I used to sit down as a banker and have conversations with people, and they would be telling me their stories because I need to get to know them. And should I be trying to give them a credit card? Does that make sense in their life? Should they be looking at a home? Whatever.
People really, it’s almost like sitting with a bartender sometimes. They really start to share a lot of information if they feel comfortable with you. And so that’s actually what started it for me. I developed some relationships with some of my clients way back in the day. I never really cared that much for travel because I didn’t grow up with it until I met my second wife, got married. And that was our first big trip was in 2016 was our honeymoon. And she was a world traveler. She is a world traveler. And so she really got me and i mean once we went to rome and athens and santorini and like that just, that was it for me that the bug truthfully bit me at that moment and and now i’ve been all over the place. Not as extensively as many of my guests, but i’m working on it so that so only for uh about 10 years then not even yeah yeah wow yeah i yeah i wouldn’t i don’t think we touched upon that, so i wouldn’t have guessed that, to be honest with you. I would be like oh yeah, this guy’s been
Yeah, like I said, I’ve done a lot. Backpack through Europe or something. I don’t know. That would be my… No, unfortunately. Would you do something like that? Would you backpack through Europe? Maybe not at this point. Maybe, maybe. Yeah, I don’t know. Has somebody hit me up with a suggestion? We’ll do it. Are you a… Would you rather do something that’s a little more civilized, right? Hotels and everything? Or would you do something that’s a little more rough and camp and things like that? Or do you camp? No, I think if I was camping, I’d be in a campground for a night or two. That’s about it for me. I’m more of the, I love to walk. I like to hike, but I don’t, I’m not really into the camping scene. Yeah. I hate camping. It’s terrible. But I think we did talk. Did we talk about that? I don’t remember. Maybe I touched upon it, but I don’t recall. It’s just like,
I don’t know why anybody camps, to be honest. I don’t want to put down campers, but I’m like, well, there’s a perfectly good hotel up the road. Why don’t I just go there? We can hang out outside until 11 p.m. We can all make it look like we’re someplace else. I’m just curious because I always wonder myself, I always think, now that I’m a little bit older, not i was younger, I’m like, oh, should i have done that? And I never did. And, and as i reflect upon like yeah i think i’m glad i didn’t. Uh, because it’s not my, it’s not in my personality to be, you know, like that, to, to do that kind of stuff it’s um it i like to travel where i kind of feel that i’m in control. Right.
And I think in the other, whenever you’re camping and stuff, maybe you do feel like you’re in control, but I would feel like I’m not in control. Yeah. And so then therefore I would be, it would change the experience for me, I think. Yeah. And I think like going to a local campground for me, I think would be more acceptable or I’d be more apt to do something like that because at least I feel like I’m still close enough to home. I know what’s going on here. But to go to another country where I’m really just not familiar and lay down camp somewhere, I just don’t think I would feel comfortable with it. Yeah, no, I wouldn’t for sure. So speaking of going to other countries and so forth, what about the language barrier? How do you cope with that? Do you learn Italian or what was your strategy? Yeah.
Typically, it’s learn the basics. Whenever I go to another country, I always try to learn at least the, you know, please and thank you, hello, goodbye, you know, maybe a couple other little phrases here and there. And typically, if we go to another country, I try to go long enough. It’s not just a weekend trip, right? I mean, you’re spending, you know, even if you’re going to different regions or different places, you’re spending four or five nights, hopefully, in each place. So, you’re around people enough over the course of a couple, two, three days. You catch up on some phrases or things that people continually say to you. You figure out what it means. Google Translate is the best, honestly. It’s making it too easy, isn’t it? Yeah, and most places that I’ve been, you can usually find somebody who speaks English well enough to at least get by. But it’s happened where we haven’t. I mean, we had some times in Italy where, you know, thankfully my
ex-wife, is fluent in Spanish. And so that goes a long way. I mean, we’ve done a lot of South America, a lot of Central America. And even when we’re in a place like Italy, you can kind of, and I didn’t realize this, but you can kind of get by a little bit with Spanish and Italian are close enough, I guess, sometimes. Romance languages. Yeah. Yeah, French as well. So those are the big ones that they kind of have overlapping, you know, whatever you call it. Themes? I don’t know what you call it. But yeah, a lot of the words mean they’re just a little bit different, but not so different that they don’t sound like the word yeah um to things. Yeah. Well, that’s cool. The, um, so you’re doing this in and so forth. If you couldn’t do the, where have you been? Is there another area that you’re like, I think i would like to do, you know xyz
Instead of this, if this didn’t happen for whatever reason, what would be another area of your life that you would like to explore in this way, you know, podcast way? I don’t, if there was one, it would be something sports related. I’m not sure exactly what it would be. The problem is I’m not, and not that I’m an expert in travel, but to answer your question, it’d be something sports related. one of the other reasons why it’s so great to do this podcast is because I don’t have the means to be traveling constantly. So not that I’m sure that there’s ways that I could make it work. I know that there are just, I’m not in a place in my life right now to be able to just do that, but I get to live sort of vicariously through everyone else’s stories. So even though I’m, I am, I’m no expert in travel in any way, shape or form. I’m, I get to gather so much information and I, and it,
it kind of fills the void a little bit for me that I’m not traveling all the time, but I get to hear of other people’s travels. So it makes a big difference. But I don’t think I’m a good enough expert in knowledge of anything to be able to actually do this. That’s why I rely on my guests to actually provide the entertainment. That’s the beauty. You don’t have to be an expert. You just bring on the expert. Yeah, that’s true. So what sport? You said sports. What sport is it? Baseball, football are my two big ones. Did you play? No, no. I was never athletic. I was on the bowling team, if that gives you any clue of my athletic abilities growing up. That’s okay. I never even learned how to swim, Bob. I had a pool all my life. Really? Yes. Not kidding. Nobody just accidentally knocked you in or anything? Never. No, I wish they had. I wish they had.
can swim. You can still learn to swim now. It’s not too late. Yeah, I can learn it’s just like bowling, except you move both arms and legs and legs bowling is one of those things, and i would have never thought this, so i was not on the bowling team uh my wife was, oddly enough, but i wasn’t in but i did bowl uh recreationally but it had a big lull, right? And now I find that my kids actually will go bowling. Whereas there’s this huge, you know, gap of time where bowling was not a thing to do. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I can see that for sure. So you must have, you must fall in that time period when it was still, well, maybe they still do bowling for, I don’t know. I, my kids, uh, school didn’t have bowling teams.
Maybe they still do have bowling teams, but they never bowled at school, but they have bowled since they’ve been out of high school. And yeah, and I always thought that was kind of interesting because St. Louis, oddly enough, used to be where the Bowling Hall of Fame was because there was a lot of professional bowlers that came out of this area. Dick Weber was the big name, and he had bowling alleys here. And, um, you know, there was a museum for him and everything until, you know, now we’ve kind of aged out of that, but all that’s gone away now. But yeah, there used to be, it was not, not unheard of, you know, there’s probably, gosh, I don’t know, at least easily a dozen bowling alleys in the city, not counting, uh, outside the city. Um, and it was a big bowling town and all that kind of has gone away, which is kind of sad in a strange way. Um,
Not that I have this affinity for bowling, but I always like the fact that I always hate it when things go completely away, right? It hasn’t quite gone completely away, but everything’s changed enough to where it’s not the same. So I have my recollection because I would go bowling with my grandfather who loved to go bowling and was on a league and everything. And the bowling alley that I went with him, it doesn’t exist anymore. Um, because time has moved on. Right. And so it’s, um, it’s a different world, uh, now. So I took my kids, they wanted to go bowling, uh, over the holidays. And I said, I’ll go with you. And so it’s this whole other, you know, it was not a dark, dank experience with everybody’s drinking and smoking. It’s this very bright experience with full on lights and having food. And, uh, I’m like, well, this is not what bowling is about. Um,
but apparently that is what the way it is now. So, you know, maybe, maybe there’s something to a bowling podcast. Maybe Bill, this is your brain. Maybe a bowling podcast. Yeah. Maybe it’s making a resurgence. You know, there’s not a lot of people in the space. It’s a niche that’s not been filled yet. Yeah. Wherever your ball’s been. I do have a friend who was a professional bowler when he was younger. So I got a guest for you. Have you ever seen or heard of duck pin bowling? Yes. Oh, yes. I’ve never done it. Never done it. I’ve done it a few times. It’s fun and interesting for, you know, just when you’re having a couple of drinks with a buddy or something. It sounds like one of those drinking things, though. It’s not the same. Yeah. Yeah. But it’s small, though, right? Yeah. Yeah. It’s bigger than a softball, but much smaller than a ball. Yeah. Little short, squatty pins on strings.
Right. Exactly. It’s pretty neat yeah that’s funny like marionette bowling basically so that’s interesting so but football and baseball would be your choice. I got you off on bowling. because you mentioned you’re in the bowling thing, but football and baseball would kind of be your, um, sports of choice. Is it, what attracted you to those i mean if you didn’t if you didn’t play what’s you know what’s the interest there? Yeah, and actually, I’m a little bit surprised that basketball never became a thing for me. So I actually grew up in Western New York, just south of Buffalo. And so our local television station, when I was younger, when we had just regular cable back then, we were eight hours away from New York City, but we got WWOR from New York City, and they aired all the Mets games. So I grew up as a Mets fan. And of course, the Buffalo Bills are right up
you know, right up right there. And I grew up watching, you know, the Chicago Bulls, Michael Jordan, Scotty Pippen. Oh yes. But as I got older, I kind of, I don’t know, basketball, I enjoy watching it, but it’s, I’m just not passionate about it. So, but yeah. Are you the guy that does the, fills in the stats while you’re watching the game? I used to, I used to basically do that stuff when I was younger, when I was a kid. Sure. I mean, I used to make my own, I made my own baseball cards. I used to draw my own baseball cards. Yeah, I actually tried to start a Buffalo Bills newsletter. This was back before www.anything existed. There was an internet, but you had AOL or Prodigy, and that was your only options. Yeah, the old Prodigy and AOL rooms and everything, boards. Yeah, and I remember trying to start my own newsletter for the Buffalo Bills. But yeah, I was heavy into that stuff when I was younger.
So I have a friend who loves football, but for the aesthetics, for the graphics. He loves the iconography and all of that, the colors and the helmets and all that in football. I mean, football, you know, he likes the game and so forth, but he really gets into – he’s a graphic designer, but he really gets into the iconography of everything. I didn’t know if that was maybe a – an interest there as well. No, no, I did. I did used to like to draw, like i said, I would draw my own baseball cards. I would draw the logos from the different teams and stuff, but that was just purely for fun. So now would you, uh, interested in any kind of sports overseas? because I mean, it’s a whole different world when you leave the country, as far as sports go. I mean, there is baseball and football and everything, but you know, that’s not the king of sports in most of the world.
it’s football, but not football it’s soccer I’ve never really gotten into it I will watch like World Cup stuff like that. Olympics. I will watch those kind of tournaments I do find football soccer to be very very exciting we were actually going to a match in Wellington while we’re there. I was going to ask you because Australian rules football is a whole thing. I don’t know if it’s in New Zealand as well, but yeah. Yeah. And there, so it’ll be Auckland and they’re actually playing Sydney, uh, Australian team. And, um, I guess Wellington’s not very good, but still, I just want to get to a match. I want to get to a match where people are really passionate about it. Not that the MLS stuff here, I’m sure that the fans are passionate, but I also, it can’t be the same, you know? Yeah. Yeah. So, but I don’t really follow like premier league or anything like that. My, um, my daughter’s boyfriend is a very, very, very diehard arsenal fan.
So if I see that they’re playing, I’ll maybe turn it on and root for them. But no, not so much. So I have another friend of mine who is going to all the baseball stadiums. And so he’s gone all around the United States mostly, I guess. Maybe he’ll go into Canada. I don’t know. I’ll have to ask him. But he’s not from here. And he came here to go to Bush Stadium, which is the Cardinals stadium. But, yeah, so anything like that in your interest area where you can combine the travel with the sports? Because then you would, you know, that’s kind of one of those weird combo things. Listen, I’ll tell you what. If the Pirates ever make the playoffs again and they can sustain some level of I can justify spending money to watch this team, I wouldn’t mind traveling around to see some away games because I do enjoy baseball stadiums very much.
And I’ve only been to, I think, three of them in my lifetime. So I would like to do that. But it’s not like on a bucket list sort of thing that I have to do that. So what is your bucket list then? You just mentioned it. Honestly, it’s really just explore the world. It’s just I want to experience as many cultures as I can and meet as many people as I can and just, you know, get to understand why people do the things they do and what do they do that I don’t even understand and eat the local foods and experience the cultures. That’s what I want to do. That’s the bucket list. So eat the food. So you’d eat, when you go somewhere, do you always like, what’s the local cuisine? I’m going to have it. I try to, yeah. Matter of fact, not that you’re asking, but I actually did have, when I was in Peru a couple of years ago, I had llama.
Which, eh. But I had guinea pig and it was very good. Guinea pig? Guinea pig, yeah. Very good. Really? A lot of little bones to pick from, but it was very good. I can’t even tell you. It was just very soft and moist. Maybe not moist, but tender. I can’t necessarily relate the flavor. It definitely wasn’t like chicken. I really don’t know what to say. No, I don’t think it was gamey at all. Really? Guinea pig? I would have never thought. I mean, because that’s one of those things, not to get gross or anything, but that’s one of those things that, like chickens, that would be easily grown, cultivated. And I can’t believe that the waitress hadn’t heard this before, but At one point in the conversation, she burst out laughing, and it’s because my wife had said to her, this is strange for us because we keep guinea pigs as pets, and she just lost it. She’s like, because they just breed them for food. Well, it makes sense. I mean, I’m sure they, I mean, yeah. I mean, just like chickens, they’re not taking up a huge footprint, and they probably, a bunch of them can live together. Yeah, that’s what they have, I guess. Take advantage of what they have available.
Yeah. That’s wild. To be honest with you, I’ve never heard of anybody mentioning to me that they’ve eaten guinea pig. My wife did ask them to take the head off because I guess they do that for kids. And I thought, well, maybe that’d make it a little more palatable. They did not. They did not. Oh, they didn’t take the head off for you? No, no. The whole thing was there splayed out on the plate. So it’s a whole guinea pig. You didn’t get like a piece of it. You got the whole darn thing. Yep. Just got it, I guess, and cooked. I don’t know. I think it was all there. Maybe they did take some parts out. Did they take the organs out? Maybe they did. I don’t know. I just ate it. It was wonderful. And I would do it again. I would think the hardest part of guinea pig would be getting the fur off of it. That probably comes right off in the fryer. I’m guessing. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
Having a little knowledge in the preparation of certain meat products, yeah, there has to be some kind of process there. Because, you know, pigs are hairy. Did you know that? Pigs are very hairy. Yeah, they are actually, yeah. Yeah, and they have to get rid of all that because people don’t want to have a lot of hair in their food. Yeah. This is good bacon. I can imagine the guinea pig is very hairy. No, yeah, yeah. I think I would try just about anything anywhere, to be honest. The only thing I don’t think, and I’ve had the opportunity to try it, is it blowfish that if you’re not licensed and understand how to cook it, it’ll kill you? Is it blowfish? Yeah, if they don’t prepare it correctly, the toxins can get in there and then kill you. Yeah. I don’t think I’m willing to have one expensive, super expensive meal be my potentially last one. Yeah.
You’re looking at the guy, you’re like, I don’t think you really got what it takes. And it’s too late. I’m not going to eat blowfish prepared by a guy named Chet. Sorry, that’s a bad joke about Chets. But anyway, no, it’s interesting, though. That’s something I certainly am not up for. I’m not very food. I’m food averse rather than food adventurous. Um, and so, yeah, I love the, uh, blandness of the american diet. Um, but that is interesting though, that you you do uh when you’re there, you, you give it a whirl. I mean, that’s fantastic. So you haven’t tried ants then either? No, well, not on purpose okay but i i was i was uh in my own yard. I, uh, hurt myself and, i couldn’t get up and i was, had a bunch of ants on me. I may have ate one.
at that point in time, but not purposefully. I was trying to get away from them, but I couldn’t because I hurt my leg. But anyway, yeah, that’s interesting. No, ants or crickets because I think crickets or grasshoppers are like popcorn. People eat them in other parts of the world like popcorn. I feel like I’ve had crickets. I just don’t remember. But I remember having ants because it wasn’t that long ago. Now, when you eat ants, is it like rice? Or you eat them like rice? Or is it, you don’t do them one at a time, I’m assuming. They’re a little bit larger than normal ants, I think, what we’re thinking of. And the ones I had, they were very crispy. So, yeah, you know, one or two at a time. They weren’t my favorite thing. They didn’t actually have a ton of flavor. And so, you know, it’s a novelty. At least when I had them, it was a novelty thing. I had a few of them. And I don’t know if I saved the bag or chucked it. Yeah. I’d say I did it.
Meaning exoskeleton. But that’s one of those things that do you really want to just love it? Oh, man, I just love ants so much. I can’t get enough. Chocolate-covered ants might be okay. I don’t know. I don’t know either. That’s weird. I don’t know. I wonder what would happen if I did love something like that. Right. Would I start growing them myself? Out back, I’d have a box full of ants that I could go. Yeah. Get an ant farm, figure out how to breed them. Get them out and dip them out there. Hey, Bob, your ant farm was full last week. We had a party. See, I can see that you could do a sports travel show and go to weird sports around the world. I think that would be an interesting…
thing but i you know maybe i know that maybe not your thing but uh i can see that happening in the future yeah it’s an interesting idea well you can it’s a it’s a triple uh it’s a triple play so you got the sports travel and eating whatever the weird food at the stadium is yeah right yeah no it’s a great idea i’ll take that vuvuzela full of ants And then after you eat it, then you get a souvenir of Uvuzela. I feel like I’d be lucky to do one episode a month, though. If somebody wants to sponsor me, I’m game to try it. Let’s do it. There you go. Exactly. Well, so as we’re going through time here, kind of just to wrap things up a little bit. So what would be kind of the – where do you think you’re going to head with all this? Where do you want to go with it? I mean, other than obviously traveling more, is there something like –
You’re going to go to New Zealand, which, again, most people, not going to happen. Right? You’re probably in the nth percentile of people who’ve gone. The only people who’ve been to New Zealand live in New Zealand or Australia. And that’s, you know, the rest of the world, I don’t think, heads there very often. Yeah. Although I know one person that’s been, but other than you. Yeah. And actually, again, very lucky. My dad. My daughter and her boyfriend were supposed to be moving to Spain this summer. And that’s part of what I mean, I want I want to see my daughter, of course, and her boyfriend. But I also am selfish. I want to get there while I have a place to stay for free. So now they’ve changed their mind. They’re not moving to Spain. They’re moving to Australia. So that means next year I get to go to Australia. So that’ll be even nicer, too. Honestly, I think for me, it’s just, you know, like I said, I just I want to see as much of the world as I can.
Um, I want to get to Asia, probably one of the next trips that I do besides Australia. I have never been to Asia, so it’s on my high on my list. Um, and I don’t have to see every continent or every country. I’m not trying to check anything off a list. I just want to, I just want to have as many experiences as I can. And, you know, I’m, I’m probably more than halfway through my life. And so, you know, and I just started traveling 10 years ago, so I’ve got a lot of catching up to do. Yeah. Well, heck, you’re halfway through your life. Don’t think about it like that. Come on. Well, even if I’m not, I don’t know that I’m going to be traveling that much when I get double my age now. Well, you never know. You never know. And health advances. Yeah. The person who’s going to live to be 150 has already been born according to projections. No, that’s not me. I thought it’s you, Bill.
No, it’s not me. I can tell you that, but, but, but you know, that means that you’re not halfway there perhaps. Maybe. Yeah. We’ll look, we’ll look less at full. We’ll take it. Yeah. Okay. Well, Bill, it’s been a pleasure. I had fun talking to you on your show and this has been fun. I hope you’ve had enjoyed it a little bit and maybe I planted a seed in for your future endeavors. I doubt it, but I always like to think that maybe I have some, I do have, actually, I do have one more thing. Let me throw it back up here. I think it would be, this is totally nostalgic thing for me. Wouldn’t it be fun if you had a pin board where people could pin, if they’ve been on your show, pin where they’ve gone?
Yeah. That’s a, that’s a cool idea. As soon as you said nostalgic, I thought he’s going to say something about a pin board. Yes. Because it’s so fun. Yeah. It’s a cool idea. And, and, and anybody, not even just the guests could pin and maybe make a little comment. Huh? Yeah. So that’s my, uh, you know, I always try to insert myself into other people’s projects apparently. And so that’s my, I’m not going to help you do it. Don’t get any ideas, but, um, I just wanted to throw it out there. I thought it just came to me while we were talking. And while I had your website up, I was like, wouldn’t it be cool if you had like a little pin board thing? Because whenever you go places, a lot of times, even still today, there’ll be a guest book or there’ll be a map and they ask you to put a pin on the map to show where you’re from, right? Not where you’ve been. But so for you, it would just reverse that.
And, and maybe it’s, maybe it’s, where are you right now? Where am I right now? No, maybe that’s what the pin board is. Maybe it’s because, you know, if you’ve been at, if you’ve been to 73 countries, it’d be hard to, it’s a lot of pins, but if I, well, I know, but that’s the interesting thing. Cause the weird thing is you could tie your episodes to the pins and it becomes this whole kind of nonlinear 3d kind of way to, to get to the content. I know it’s a lot of work. You’re not charging me for this, are you? No, I don’t. Oh, okay, good. I just think it would be cool. And to me, there’s a certain amount of nostalgia in that just because, you know, I still see it so that other people kind of like it as well still, but it should not, I mean, you, you know, pie in the sky and with AI coming on and everything,
You literally can make an app that says that you do a check-in to where have you been when you’re there, and it can drop an electronic pin on your map, you know, kind of as a, oh, Bill, I’m here. Maybe we’ll talk about it someday. And then, you know, it’s just kind of ongoing kind of thing. Yeah, that’s a great idea. But yeah, I don’t know how to do it, but I love the concept of it. So I thought, well, hey, we should talk about that real quick. So that’s the idea. I don’t know how to accomplish it, but maybe your daughter’s boyfriend is a smart guy and he can take care of this for you. My daughter’s a very smart girl, too. Oh, well, there you go. Yeah. Well, I always try not, you know, I’m like, don’t push your kids to do all this stuff. You got to push their…
significance because you haven’t got to utilize their free labor as much as your children. That’s true. That’s true. They got some catching up to do on the free labor department. Yeah. So, you know, but Bill, thank you very much for listening to my nonsense and being here and answering questions and going over stuff. It’s been fun. I hope you’ve had a little bit of fun. Everybody, where have you been? We don’t know yet. Maybe we’ll know in the future with this pin board. But you can always listen to where other folks have been on Bill’s podcast at W.H.Y.B. Where have you been? Podcast dot com. Yeah. At the podcast on socials. Anything else you want to talk about? Plug or anything? No, sir. I have nothing else to plug. I just like I said, like you said, I think we had a lot of fun. At least I did.
I had a lot of fun on our, on my podcast with you. And so, yeah, I had a lot of fun tonight as well. And so, yeah, just thank you very much for having me on. Hey, and it’s been great. And so everyone go see Bill. Where have you been? You tell him about it. He’ll listen. And then he’ll probably ask you where the best, if you have any relatives that he could stay with. And what kind of food I should eat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If there’s any good guinea pig recipes. Yeah. Hold on just a second, Bill. Everybody else, we’ll see you next time.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

drink the go juice my friend i can really hear it going down the back of your phlegmy ass throat ah Yeah. Thank you. Hey, everybody. This is Bob. It’s the dawning of the age of Bukkake. The age of Bukkake. Hey, everyone. Miles. Really? That’s your lead in? Yeah. I saw it. Yeah. Well, that’s good. You know, a wise man once told me. Yeah. It isn’t racist if it’s funny. That’s right. I wouldn’t call it that. I don’t remember that. The Super Bowl was yesterday. Yeah. Do you have a story about that? Well, no. I was just going to make a comment that comedian Pablo Luen watched the alternative halftime show, but he watched the AVN half-time show. Was it called Finger Blasters? It was called Bold Butthole. And it was called Bad B-Hole. That’s what it was called. Okay. And a lot of grunge stuff on there. The Man Inside Your Box. So there you go. Did he rate it or do like
any kind of like moment by moment or something on Instagram or something? Yeah, he was on Instagram. Was he? Okay. I have no idea. No, I don’t know. I just saw that joke today. Oh, okay. I see. This is not a true story. This is not a true story. I thought it would be a joke to lighten things up. Well, maybe he would. I don’t know. I’m not. I’m looking at the guy. I’m just saying he might. He does some stuff. I don’t know. He’s got Kind of a, you know, Harvey Weinstein kind of thing going on. I don’t know. He’s like a middle-aged John Goodman or something. I don’t know. I’d say Goodman. Yeah. No. Yeah. I would. I would. Okay. No, I’m just kidding. I like. So, uh, you, your prediction was off. You didn’t get the Seahawks. Correct. Yeah.
Premier, the polish nostradamus here on the first of the year, one always predicts the super Bowl. And this year it was like, I think the seahawks and the broncos and the broncos were gonna win so yeah so i kind of was like a third right i guess on that no i don’t think any of that’s right. Other than Seahawks. Well, no, I had one of the the players in it. Okay. And then, uh, but then I missed the other team and who would win. So, yeah. Okay. So, so I was like a third grade. I was like, Hey, that’s better than I usually do. That’s true. Usually you get both teams wrong. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. So I, I, I’m very curious because you were kind of lip. Usually my, my talk ahead of time, uh, just about random, you know, stuff, family stuff. A lot of times, uh,
Before the show, he was very tight-lipped about his weekend, and so I’m very curious to know what… What your weekend was about. What are you holding there? Okay, well, about a week ago, my niece from Chicago called up. She said, Uncle Miles. Uncle Miles, come on up in Chicago. Yeah. No, she’s like, we’re going to come see you. Is that okay? Oh, really? She’s coming to see you. That’s a first, isn’t it? I’m the forgotten Polack. Yeah. No one wants to see your old local mile you know that there’s a, there’s a movie spoof in there. It’s called the last Polack, like the last yeah the last, the polacks yeah see it’s not racist, but it’s not racist. If it’s funny funny that’s right.
And I go, yeah, because my family just does not come to see me. All right. Let’s be honest. I owe everyone money, basically. And everyone’s like, no, no. And where they’re going, I mean, where you live, it’s like, you know. It’s a shithole. We got a B-dubs at our place. What do we need to come down there for? Yeah, right. So, like, we’re not coming to Moline. Yeah. Who are you? And, no, I was like, yeah, come on down, man. I don’t care. I don’t know. our husband’s big dirty Jake, you know, who’s made this great that’s the young man who pissed in the slop sink uh many years ago that you thought was funny. Oh, yeah. He’s the same guy. I didn’t realize he was big dirty jake was a pisser. Yeah, he stuck around. Yeah, he’s stuck it out well my crazy ass family i give him that. Well, apparently he sticks it out a lot, and so that may be part of the he does. Well, he’s got some kids, so yeah, he does uh
He does that, yes. Sticks it in the sink. Sticks it in your cousin. Sticks it in. Wow, my cousin. Come on, it’ll be weird. And so, no, they get here and they’re like, well, we’re going to get there bright and early because we don’t know how long we’re going to stay. I’m like, okay, I don’t care. And they get here. Next thing you know, it’s time to eat. I go, let’s go downtown. There’s a little, you know. Where would you like to take me? Is that how you phrased it? Where would you like to take me to eat? No. What? I did a Bob Lament. I paid. Yes. This is unheard of. Unheard of. I was so happy. I’ve never heard of you paying for anything. No one ever comes to see me. So I’m like, all right, I’m going to do this, man. I’m doing it.
Well, you picked the place that I like to go, which is Day Old Donuts. Everybody stock up. Everybody’s doing it. So we went to a mom and pop restaurant, I suppose, downtown. Yeah, nice. Which was about three quarters full. It’s called Pizza Ranch. And it was called Pizza Ranch. Now, we went to the Pizza Ranch. You did not tell me that is an Iowa restaurant. Uh, franchise. It was born in Iowa. Pizza ranch. Okay. Never mentioned it. I don’t often eat there. Well, you certainly look like you were at home whenever i was there. Yeah. I need like a second mortgage to go there to eat. Yes. It is. Uh, I don’t know. You had a lot of fucking chicken when i went there. Well, fuck you. When they charge you like 20 bucks a plate fuck you man i’m eating i’m eating so you went
so you went to this mom and pop place. And, uh, first of all, big dirty jake decides this would be the perfect time to use my loud voice to start telling inappropriate jokes in the restaurant. You know, this wasn’t that restaurant with the ladies with the commercials or anything, was it? No, this is not. No, that was not that. No. James kitchen or whatever it’s called. Yeah, no, it was not. He, yeah. Hey miles. Yeah. Jake, what do you call a blind, uh, gynecologist? A lip reader. I’m like, all right. Okay. Yeah. I live here. Busted out the miles title joke book or what? Jeez Louise. I live here. I work here. I may know people here. So maybe. He doesn’t take the hint. He keeps going. They’re very questionable jokes. I’m like, okay, big, dirty day. I’m just, I mean, he’s rolling off like six jokes in a row. I’m like, all right, you know what? And they’re usually getting louder. I’m like, I, can you please just, I don’t be rude, but maybe, you know, wait until we get home to tell some of these, you know, wait, really?
you know, when I’m offended, you know, I’m like, uh, you know, that like a line has been offended. You just were embarrassed because he’s pulling your stick out in public. So yeah. Loud, loud. Yeah. I’m like, all right, come on. Yeah. Okay. Yep. Yep. All right. That was, yep. I’m just, all right. So, uh, luckily, you know, ended well, you know, thank god no one’s spitting our food, I don’t think, but you know. But, uh, we were preaching charlie so they did spit in our food. So, uh, you know, my kids, you know, you know, kids nowadays are very PC, you know, dad, we could, dad, come on now, dad. God, he said something bad. He’s talking about vaginas at dinner. I mean, I don’t know how your kids are with all this PC stuff. I don’t think they’re open to PC. My kids are a little bit open. Anyway. So, that gets done. We come back to the house. Like, what do you guys want to do? I go, you know, there’s some stuff. We got to travel a little bit. Got some cards. I go, the way you drive, Big Dirty Jake.
We’ll be there in like five minutes. You want to go see the Eagles? Yeah. I wish. We should have. You went over to the Illinois side and went to a strip club? Yeah, no. We went to somewhere else. It’s all mysterious. Well, I don’t really want to give too much away. We had an encounter with the police, basically. What? and i know, because I know this guy drives fast, right? Okay. And, uh, we’re almost. Banjo music plays every time he hits the accelerator. Just a good old boss. Yeah. And I know this guy, you know, likes to drive fast, you know that’s right yeah okay and uh it’s it’s a highway that i don’t often go on, but i’ve never seen any police on this. You know, it’s not like they’re, you know,
stapled to the road or something, they do get to move around, you know? Yes, they do. Apparently they do. It’s a nice, big, divided highway. And we’re almost to our destination and we’re joking and laughing. Like, oh, ha ha, those dirty jokes I was telling were very funny. And next thing I know, he’s like, oh, shit, cops. Oh, son of a bitch. Son of a bitch. I’m like, what? I thought he was joking at first. Ha ha ha. Like, oh, shit. You’re right. Like, oh, fuck. Uh-oh. Wah, wah, wah, wah. I’m like, everyone just act cool. You ain’t do nothing. We didn’t do nothing, man. And so he’s like, oh, that’s it. My CDL. I’m fucked. You know, I’m like, okay, well. Right, yeah. So, yeah, the cop’s like, all right, any reason why you’re doing 83 in a 65? You know?
because the car goes that fast? You know, you can’t govern these things. I got those big chunky shoes on because i thought they were my outfit i’m like okay i’m like give me your stuff i gotta go call it in. Yeah, geez. And it took a while because i’m like, this is This is 50-50 at this point. I go, I don’t know, man. Because it was taking so long. I’m like, fuck, this isn’t good. And this guy’s sweating bullets. He’s like, I’m fucked. That’s it. I’m fucked. I’m fucked. Uh-oh. Oh, my big, dirty jag. Just hold on. I’ll be all right. And you go, you know what they call a blind gynecologist? Hey, officer. Officer Meany. Hey, you know where they keep them? And so I recorded it a little bit.
You know, I didn’t really try to be too honest, but he comes by and goes, I’m going to give you a warning. You got a CDL there, boy. Oh, really? You gave him a warning? Seriously? Yeah. 83 and a 65 gets a warning. And he’s like, um, I don’t know why big dirty Jake’s like, oh, well I I’m from Chicago. So I’m not really, you know, used to being on highways like this, you know? Um, I’m like, what the fuck is he talking about? You live by Chicago and you don’t know what a divided highway is and you’re not familiar with. You have a CDL. He’s just laying on thick. Oh, I wasn’t aware of things. I don’t know. Speedometer don’t make no sense. Everyone’s like, come on, just sign the goddamn thing. Let’s get going. He’s a dumb checker. Oh my God. So yeah, he finally signs it and you know.
But, you know, he’s bad mouth of the cop a little bit. You’re like, ah, son of a bitch. Uh-oh. Now, next time he’s coming through. Nobody’s ever going to come visit you now. No, I know. It was weird because on the way back, there’s, like, cops galore. Like, everyone’s pulled over. I’m like, what in the hell is going on this weekend? Jesus. Man, I don’t know what it was. Somebody’s low on their quota. I guess. I don’t know. It was, like, state, county, you know. I want to look out for a fat Polish man who goes by the moniker. Yeah. I mean, mall cops. I mean, there was, everybody was out. Everybody. Mall cops. Pulling over people. Hey, you went by Sears really fast. No, no, no. You just got off with a warning. That’s good though. Yeah, I know. Yeah. I thought, thank, I go, I hope he has a good mental outlook. I go, this could really ruin the rest of the trip. You know what I mean? It’s like,
And it didn’t. It didn’t. But I’m like, you know, because it was me. I’d be like, that’s it. We’re just going home. Forget it. Forget it. Forget it. Forget it. I’m not going to go see eagles now. Who cares? I’m never going to see eagles now. But yeah. We’re in trouble because of eagles. Those bastards. It just added to the, you know, the levity of the day, you know. So it was very, very fun. Yeah. in trouble with the police. Yes. That’s very nice. Well, I mean, why was he driving so fast? I mean, we enjoy driving fast. Okay. He’s a, this is the guy when we were trying to break into, uh, the bears headquarters that one time, a few years back, he almost got us in trouble. Cause he kept trying to get out of the car and the guard was like, do not get out of the car. And he’s like, no, I’m going to get out. He’s like, no, you’re not going to get out of the car.
I don’t know if you remember that story or not. Yes, I do. Security at Lake Forest, you know, and they’re like, do not get out of the car. F you, I’m getting out of the car. I’m like, no, no, come on, man. Come on, dude. You know, so like big dirty Jake, just hold on, man. Just be cool, man. Uh-oh. I think we lost Miles there for a moment. Or maybe we lost me. I can’t tell. Can you hear me? I cannot tell. Can you hear me? Both of us are. Can you hear me? There we go. Now you’re back. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hello, sir. Can you hear me? Hello, Mr. Man. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Oh, we lost Miles. I thought that was what was happening. I thought Miles’ title left. Well, that was a harrowing experience, it sounds like, there. So, we will… Oh, did he come back? He’s back. Hey, Miles, how’s it going? The police did it. The fucking police did it. You’re muted, by the way. No, I’m not. Apparently, the police are not really enamored with you because they killed your…
Hello? I killed your connection. Hello? Hello? Hello? Nope, he left again. There you go. Well, I think we’ll just… trying to decide what to do now. I guess I got a story I could tell. I don’t know. Oh, he’s back again. You’re still muted there, Miles. No, he’s gone again. Apparently, Miles is having some difficulties tonight. I don’t know if you noticed I got a new studio here. You’re muted there, Miles. I think your thing’s all messed up. I decided to change my background, see? So I actually have the same pictures in the background, but I just changed the look of everything and changed my desk a little bit. So if you’re new to the show, everything wasn’t like this a little last week. No, I just changed it around.
We’ll see if Miles comes back or not. But there he is. You’re muted there, Miles. If you can click on that button there, buddy. Maybe we can talk to you. Cause baby, talk dirty to me. Get up my guitar and talk to me. Ne, ne, ne, ne, ne, ne, ne, ne, ne. I don’t know if that’s enough to get us a copyright strike. I’m not sure. So Big Dirty Jake came to see me and he was driving like 100 miles an hour down Interstate 55. And believe me, they were not too happy when they pulled him over. But I think we’ll just call this a night because it doesn’t seem to be working very well. So this will just be a short show all about Big Dirty Jake and what those Jake boys are getting up to.

Transcript (AI transcription)

I see you have a lot of lights there in your space. Do they ever float around the room? Yeah, but only when you’re not looking. You turn around, you look, and then they stop. It’s kind of like the boo thing from Mario. Yes and no. Yes and no. Well, that’s good. I’m glad it’s not too terrible for you. welcome to mondo frico i’ve got used to peers from 1000 crazy questions Podcast. We’re going to talk about some weird stuff tonight. But not a thousand things. Only one. I’ll let him do the thousand part. How’s it going tonight? It’s going good. It’s going cool. It’s a nice, warm winter day. uh over where i am uh i go by Houston, but i’m currently living in Colorado, so it’s it’s really weird. It’s really weird that i got you want to be dead with Pierce? It doesn’t have the same ring to it no it doesn’t uh but yeah no it’s it’s going cool it’s i mean it’s going warm. Yeah. You could be uh coors pierce that would be good.
Coors? Oh, like Coors, Denver? Yeah. I found out that was actually a spot in Denver a week ago. Oh, really? Yeah, I didn’t know that. Coors is actually a city called Coors? Yeah, that’s the thing. Coors is a place. I just love the beer. That’s all I thought. Is it in Denver? I know there’s a place called Coors. I mean, somewhere in there in Colorado, but yeah. Yeah. That’s interesting. Well, we aren’t going to talk about Colorado this week. We’re going to, well, actually, I shouldn’t. Do you want to take the quiz first? You want me to tell you what we’re going to talk about? Let’s quiz. I’ll do this. Oh, he’s going to go right into it. Yeah. Confident in myself. Let’s go. Quiz. Quiz. Quiz. I can’t believe he opted for the quiz right out of the gate. So this is going to be really interesting because he doesn’t, Houston doesn’t know anything about the topic tonight. I picked the topic.
And so he’s going to try his luck at the quiz. Let me see if I can get this to work here, Houston. I’ve got some new stuff going on here. If I can find it, there it is. Oh, that’s the wrong one. Hold on a second. That’s not what we wanted. I was like, that’s easy. Yeah, that was easy. That’s a one question quiz. One question. I think it looks like a website. What is a website, Bob? Here we go. All right, there we are. Can you see that at all? Maybe not too big. Okay, I can see now. It’s coming into focus. Okay, good. So this is the quiz for tonight’s topic, which is the Sally House. The Sally House is in Kansas, and it is one of the most haunted houses in America. Ready? Ready?
Are you ready for this quiz? In which Kansas town is the Sally House located? You got Wichita, Atchison, a very spooky Walmart parking lot, or Topeka? I’ll actually give you a hint if you want it. I’ll save my hint for later, Bob. I want to use up my lifelines all at once. I have a strong feeling It’s B, just because it sounds like a place that this would be. Atchison sounds creepy, decrepit, and spooky. Wichita, like witch, is a little too on the nose. All Walmart parking lots are haunted. They’re not special. So it’s not the most haunted. I know it’s not there. Topeka, maybe, but I’m just going to say B off of gut instinct of how that sounds very witch, I mean haunted-like. It sounds very haunted. B for Atchison. Atchison.
Okay. Let’s see what happens. Oh, there we go. Sorry. I hit the wrong button again. That’s right. It is Atchison, Kansas. And the funny thing is I have actually been to Atchison and I’ve actually stood in front of the Sally house. Oh, whoa. Yeah. We’ll talk more about that later, but, uh, Move on to question number two. So you’re one up. I don’t know if you can see that little green thing there, but you’re one up. So there you go. Keep track for us here. According to the legend, what surgery was being performed on Sally when she allegedly died from the Sally house? A, a wisdom tooth extraction. B, a tonsillectomy. C, appendicitis. Oh, my. I thought I was doing so good. Appendectomy or D, a tragic accident involving a runaway unicycle. Oh, no. I have a hint if you want it. You can take a hint. Okay, I’ll take a hint on this one. I was feeling, but I’ll take a hint. It involves the removal of a small finger-shaped pouch in the abdomen.
Oh, okay. I wish I had gone with my gut because this confirms my gut feeling. I think it’s the appendectomy. The C, the C one. That’s right. That’s right. The story says she died during an emergency appendectomy. Wow. Well, you’re doing great. You got two for two. Didn’t even know the topic. Yeah, I should have not taken the hint. I wanted to keep the streak of just hitting them without hints, but it’s too late. It’s too late. Too late. Yeah, well, I think I threw you there because I couldn’t pronounce everything. But here we go. This looks like I can get here. Which family lived in the house during the 1990s and brought the case to national attention? The Ghostbusters, the Winchesters, the Pickmans, or the Addams Family? I got a hint still.
Oh, we have a hint for each one in case you need it. Oh, okay. Okay. So no hit this time, just cause I want it. I want to redeem myself. Uh, the ghostbusters are a team of four. I don’t know if they, they, they have a, Oh, you know what? I know. So I noticed the ghostbusters cause they have a firehouse. I know not to pick that one. In New York, not in Kansas. Exactly. You almost tricked me. The Evans family, no. I think this is the Winchesters. I’m saying that off of background knowledge from some paranormal show I saw one time. It’s a very out there name. Pickman’s is very normal. It’s either B or C, but I’m going to go with B.
Want to go with B? Yep. Oh. Pickman. Pickman. No, it was the Pickmans. Tony and Deborah Pickman documented their terrifying experiences in the Sally house. Sorry. Dang. I should have taken that. Only one wrong but two right. So you’re still doing good. You’re doing great. Let’s move on to the next one here. Number four, what physical evidence frequently appeared on Tony Pickman’s body? A, passive-aggressive sticky notes. B, glowing green handprints. C, temporary tattoos of butterflies. Or D, scratches and welts. Oh, wow. This is interesting. I don’t know what to do here. I’ll take the hint this time. You going to take the hint this time? With no shame. This is tough. Think of the marks left by fingernails or claws. Okay. Oh, well, passive-aggressive sticky notes, of course. Are you really going to go with that one? No, I’ll go with D. I’ll go with D. D, scratches and welts. Scratches and welts. That’s right.
i want to say the notes, that were funny. They found passive aggressive digging yeah tony was famously the target of aggressive physical attacks by an entity in the sally house. entity some sort of Classic haunting signs. Exactly. So we’re on number five of seven. You’ve got three. You get one more. Essentially, you’re gonna be a winner. So we’ve got two more tries here, or three more tries to get it, but you’ll be fine. We’ll see. Which 1990s paranormal show first featured the house in its investigations? The Great British Bake Off Haunted Edition, Ghost Adventures, X-Files, or Sightings? Ooh. Okay. No hint this time. I’m going to win this game, honest. And the Great British Bake Off… That’s a good one. Ghost of Interest, I think, came out in the early 2000s. X-Files, I know. Sightings, I don’t know. But I know it’s either C or D for this one. I’m going to say, oh, man, Sightings, actually, because X-Files is more about fictional supernatural things, I think, or stories more so. Yeah, I’m going to say Sightings.
Sightings. Wow, I love the way you work your way through these things. That’s right. Sightings is it. Okay. Sightings ran multiple segments on the Sally House. So there you go. All right. You’re already winning, but we have a couple more questions if you want to just work through them. Oh, yeah. Let’s go. Who was the doctor that actually owned and lived in the house during the early 1900s? Was it Dr. Phil? No. Dr. Seuss, Dr. Frankenstein, or Dr. Charles Finney? I am going to say Dr. Phil. No joke. Because Phil is actually a common name. There’s not one of the odds it’s actually the Dr. Phil. I’m saying it’s Dr. Phil. I’m so serious. You want to say Dr. Phil? I’m saying Phil. It could be Dr. Phil. Okay.
Oh, no. Dr. Charles Finney. Not every Phil is the Dr. Phil, you know? Dr. Phil Houston, you got a problem. Number seven, last one. You’re still a winner here. What is a common theory among modern paranormal investigators about the entity Sally? A, the ghost is just a very confused squirrel. B, is it a demon mimicking a child? C, it’s actually the ghost of a grumpy landlord. Or D, it’s a residual recording with no intelligence. Residual recording with no intelligence. Intelligents, yes. I’m going to say B, demon mimicking a child. The demon mimicking a child. And that’s right. There you go. Maybe believe the violent nature of the house suggests a darker entity. Wow. Great job. All right. Great job. You got five out of seven. And you won the night here with the Sally House. I’ll take it. Can you believe it? Yeah. No prep. Only two hints or three hints.
there you go. Or four hints. But yeah, I don’t know. We’ll be right back with what about, we’ll talk more about the sally house just a second mondo frico this is jonathan and this is heaven from the opa ghost podcast and you’re listening to mondo frico Toodles. Toodles. Toodles. Toodles. All right, so let’s hear a little bit more detail about Sally House. You chose to do the quiz first, and so now we’re going to get some content. So the Sally House was located in Atchison, Kansas, which we talked about. It’s widely regarded as one of the most haunted locations in the United States. Its notoriety stems primarily from the 1990s when Tony and Deborah Pickman moved into the home and experienced a series of increasingly violent paranormal events.
While the house has a long history, the legend centers on Sally, a young girl who allegedly died in the house during a botched, unanesthetized appendectomy performed by a doctor who lived there in the early 20th century. Although historical records of the specific death are debated, the activity reported within the walls is chillingly consistent. The phenomena at the Sally house are distinct for their physical and malevolent nature and Unlike many hauntings that consist of residual footsteps or distant voices, the activity here often targeted toward Tony Pickman directly. He reported sustaining unexplained scratches, welds, and even burns on his back and chest during his residency. Beyond physical attacks, the family witnessed objects flying across the room, small fires breaking out spontaneously, and the sounds of a child’s voice. These events were extensively documented by paranormal researchers and
and featured on the television show Sightings, which catapulted the house to national infamy. Today, the Sally House remains a holy grail for paranormal investigators, though it is often described as having a dual personality. While some visitors believe they are interacting with an innocent, playful spirit of a young girl, many others, including seasoned demonologists, warn that a much more sinister entity may be mimicking a child to lure people in. The home is currently open for overnight stays and tours. allowing the brave to test the legend for themselves in a space that many believe still harbors a deep-seated resentment toward living. What do you think about that, Houston? My initial thoughts are, how much do they charge to rebuild this place? I don’t know. That’s a good question. I’ll look that up while we’re talking. Because that’s…
I don’t get the people. If anyone’s watching this and they are one of those people who go to haunted places and actually, not even haunted places, but pay money to go to haunted places to stay the night, I don’t understand you. $250 a night. $250? Yes, $250. Oh, my God. Now, the interesting thing is, let’s see if I can… successfully share my screen again. But the interesting thing is it’s not much of a house. Yeah. There you go. You can see the picture there i think uh houston see this this is the house. You see it yeah yeah and so uh my son and i walked all the way up to the house right there yeah uh onto the onto the front porch to take a look. Here’s some pictures inside the house, right? And of course, they got
creepy dolls everywhere. You got to have them. Yeah. So the kitchen needs to be updated, I think. And then, of course, a child’s room to make it even more freaky. Yeah. So, yeah. So what’s your… There you go. There’s Sally House in winter. Yeah. It looks nicer. What do you think about that as far as… Do you believe the story, first of all? Uh… Okay, so background on me. I do believe in the supernatural stuff of everything because of my faith. So it all checks clear for me, truthfully. I don’t really mess with the stuff. I am not enamored with it. I am mildly fascinated. However, yeah, so it’s kind of an easy sell for me. The funny thing is, though, to me, it’s…
If you if you know other people of other religions and beliefs or just don’t believe if you don’t believe in these things, why are you spending money to like, why are you paying so much money to spend your night in a drafty house like a rat? I mean, there’s two options when you spend money to go here either. Nothing happens, and everyone’s kind of crazy, and you just spend the night at a really crappy house, and you wasted $250. Or it’s real. You find out the supernatural is real, and you get scratched. The two outcomes are really bad. Either you’ve wasted money, or you get what you get. So that’s where I stand. I think I’ve offended some people. I’m sorry. No, no, I don’t think so. What?
You’re right, it is a crappy house. Look at it. There’s a picture right there. It’s a lose-lose. I’m saying going up to see it is one thing. Or going in for free is cool. Okay, but to pay? Yeah, I understand that. But to be like, here’s, and not just paying like $5, but $250 for that. Yeah. Here’s my Airbnb, and they listed this photo. Well, it looks nice and creepy, though, doesn’t it? Yeah. Yeah, I guess, you know, if you want, I think you’re only making your money’s worth if you believe in the supernatural and you want to get scratched and you want to get tortured or or hear some type of little girl voice or whatever. If you like getting scared. Like to this degree, that this is like a haunted house on steroids, kind of. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah.
Yeah, so the story is… These people spent the night, I think. Maybe a ghost hunting crew. It’s all fascinating. I don’t think I’d have the guts, honestly, to even do it. Oh, no, I would definitely not do it. There’s nothing worse to me than getting scratched by someone I don’t know. Yeah. Oh, I actually already know that fact because on my show, we brought that up. Yeah. I remember, but it wasn’t being scratched. It was about being touched in general, but I remember… Being touched in general, yes. I don’t want to have all that happen, yeah. Scratch is worse. Yeah, scratch is, yeah. So I totally agree. So the reason I actually went there is my son and I went there. We were staying. We were in Kansas City for some other stuff. And we had some time one afternoon. And I’m like, well, he’s like, we want to run up there. I said, sure, let’s go up there.
And so it’s not that close, but, I mean, you know, it was within, I think, an hour and a half or something. So we ran up there and, like, had lunch and then went to the Sally House and wandered around and got pictures and everything outside of it. We did not pay the $250. But, no, I think it’s totally possible. I mean, it is a creepy – I mean, they’ve certainly let it look creepy by all the paint flaking off. I think that helps themselves. the tickets honestly, I think, but yeah. It’s not in a bad neighborhood or anything. It’s actually, um, uh, on the bluff, uh, of the, of the river there. And so it’s, you can’t see the river from there, but if you walk like a half a block or a block or something, then you’re, uh, right there on the bluff. And the other thing is, the crazy thing is it’s right around the corner from Amelia. I think it’s Amelia Earhart’s childhood home.
Really? So we went to that as well. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. I want to go down the street and check Amelia Earhart’s childhood home in one of the most haunted places in America. Yeah. Yeah. Here it’s in, it’s in Atchison here. I’m going to get a picture. The funny thing is it doesn’t look that much different than the Sally house here when I show it to you. So yeah, Amelia Earhart’s childhood home is right there. And it looks nicer, right? Yeah. And so then you can go and you can see some of her effects because she passed away quite a while ago now. But yeah, that’s where she grew up. And then not too far across the street kind of a ways is on a bluff in the river. But yeah, literally, it’s not even a block away from the Sally house, which to me is just
which nobody mentions. I’m like, can you believe it? This is like Amelia Earhart’s home is right there as well. How much did they pay for you to go in the Amelia Earhart house? I think it was free to be honest with you. Oh my gosh. It was just like a little, I just took a donation. I don’t know, but I don’t remember like paying any, you know, any amount of money. Yeah. I think it was donation based. So. I mean, that’s actually, that’s pretty nice. I guess if Amelia Earhart herself were in there haunting people, you can then charge. Yeah. Maybe you’d change the marketing a little bit. If it’s just museum-like, then it’s whatever. But what are your thoughts, though, on the whole demon story for the Sally House, though? Oh, I think it can be entirely possible. I think, you know, these kind of, I don’t know that it’s a demon, because I have a slightly different take on
a lot of this stuff in the sense that, you know, people love to attribute, you know, if you get hurt or something that it’s evil when it could just be misunderstood, I suppose, you know, maybe it, it doesn’t, you know, like when kids are little, they, they, when you’re, when you have little kids, they hurt their parents constantly, accidentally. I always joked whenever my, kids were little. I said, I’m glad I wore glasses because if I didn’t, I would have lost an eye because they’re constantly like flinging things or flailing around. And so you you you get inadvertently hurt whenever they’re, you know, throwing a fit or whatever. Actually, one time this actually happened. My daughter was not even, I don’t even think she was two years old yet, or maybe just barely, you know, barely getting around, walking around and everything and
and I was putting together a swing set for her and she got a hold of the, the chain, um, for the swing. And it was all covered in plastic except for the end. And somehow she swung it and, and scratched the cornea of my wife’s eye. Oh, yeah. Hit her right in the eye, but not hard. Like not like hit her in the face with a chain. She, she barely grazed it and it, she, She scratched the car and had to go to the emergency room. Oh, that’s terrible. And so, yeah, that’s why I’m always like, I’m glad I’m wearing glasses because then I won’t get my cornea scratched. It was really horrible for my wife, obviously. And my daughter had no idea that she did anything. But anyway, so, I mean, these entities or whatever they are, to get back to the story, could just be trying to get your attention and in doing so inadvertently harm people. Now,
They do, I think, in this case, have, you know, things that seem somewhat malicious, right, as far as taunting and things like that that have happened there. But then again, you know, Demons is a little bit more, I think, too specific at this point because we don’t really know what it is, right? So I always say that I think ghosts and aliens and all that kind of stuff could all be one in the same because they’re just something that we don’t know what it is. And so a ghost could be an alien that they just appear, you know, kind of half invisible, you know what I mean? So they’re translucent, uh, and an alien could be just like a ghost, but it’s just in a more solid form. And so until we know a little bit more, I don’t think that we can, uh,
you know, categorize them. So, um, until we get a little bit more information, I think we can’t tell it so that, so that, you know, everybody, all humans want to categorize things, right? That’s one of our biggest problems to be honest with you is the fact that we constantly, we all constantly want to categorize everything, you know, you’re this and you’re this and you’re a Broncos fan and you’re a, you know, whatever. And so we constantly want to put everybody in these little, uh, pockets and it causes problems. And I think we shouldn’t do that to ghosts either or aliens or anything. I’m only using the words because we don’t know what they are and that’s what everybody refers to them as. But for all we know, they could all just be different species of something else. Yeah. I mean, I hear you. We don’t know. We don’t know. We don’t know. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And I don’t see… I…
Yeah, I mean, I hear what you’re saying. I think I, I have a different viewpoint, but it’s funny how we were trying to kind of like figure out if the whole, you know, like, you know, ghost hunters, for example, they’ll go in and like, we’re taking our best, I don’t know if it’s our best, but our quote-unquote best tools to find ghosts. And you’re using material objects to find something on a different you know, spiritual plane or energy plane or whatever else, you know, dimension, you don’t know. And you’re taking things that we do know to find things you don’t know. And, you know, in some cases, you know, it kind of makes some sense of, you know, an EMP, like it goes, must mess with electric magnetic field. That’s such a, what a, that’s a theory of a theory. I don’t know, but yeah.
In some case, it kind of makes sense. But in another case, it’s kind of funny to me. Something’s kind of… I don’t want to say it’s unknowable because I think given enough time, everything maybe could become… I won’t say everything. Most things could become knowable given enough time, I believe. However, I think that is going to take millions of years. Thousands? Thousands to not millions of years. I mean, we didn’t… Because I think it’s we just we simply don’t know. We don’t know. And I think the supernatural is something that we’re going to be digging for the rest of, you know, human existence. I mean, outside of faith, there’s nothing you can really do to prove, I think, to the land of the living. So I don’t know. So I respect the opinion of it can all be just one thing or another. Aliens are a true question mark for me. I have I have I think it’d be cool if they existed. I don’t know.
I truly just leave that a question mark. The spiritual demons, stuff like that, I happen to believe because of, like I said, my faith, and I’ve had some experiences here and there. But in general, if you ask me to prove it, I can’t prove it. Yeah. Right. Now, do you want to talk anything about your experience? Tell us about an experience or no? It’s okay if you do. I don’t want to force you into it, so don’t. No, it’s fine. I have one kind of funny one I guess I could share in the chamber. Of course, you have to be young when you do these stories because no one is ever an adult. It’s always when I was a kid, so I’m sorry to be generic, but when I was a kid, I think I was making too much noise in my room or something like that, and I was being too loud. My lights were on, and my dad came into the room. He’s like, hey, it’s too late.
go to the stairs and put me on some type of weird timeout, which he doesn’t really do, but he did. And so it’s late at night and I couldn’t question him. I decided to sit at the top of the stairs for an undiscriminated amount of time. He went back to his room, which was to like the right of the stairs. And I’m on the second floor, the stairs looking down. My parents’ room went to the right. He went in there. I can hear the TV on. He’s laying on the bed watching TV. My siblings are asleep. They’re in the other, the other hall to the right, to the left, which leads to my bedroom, my sister’s bedroom, whatever else. So, um, it’s, it’s, I don’t know what time of night it is. It’s late. Um, and I’m on this weird timeout and I’m like, do I go downstairs? And I, I kind of crawled downstairs a little bit just because, just because, and I can, I can see, I, yeah. And I can see the oven light, you know, the little microwave light, you know, it’s, it’s on. And I, I look down and I can see in a picture of,
the room, the kitchen’s behind the stairs back in the, there’s a main living room and there’s a picture that it’s reflecting the light from the kitchen on the, on the paint, on the picture. And I look at the picture and it looks like there is a woman standing in the kitchen with blonde hair and she’s like making something at the oven. And I freaked out, you know, but I, I was, I stayed quiet. I go back up the stairs. Like, I didn’t, did I see that? I, I, I do that. I rub my eyes. I’m like, okay, I’m awake. Right. I go back down. I look at the picture again across the way. And sure enough, there’s a woman still standing there back turned to me and she’s doing like, and she’s doing this, like she’s making like her, her shoulders are moving as if she’s doing something like she’s doing something. I keep looking and I’m like this, what? You know, I keep looking. I know I am seeing this in real time, like with time passing. And I’m like, I think I must’ve been, I don’t know, 13 or something like that.
They’re 12 or 11. I don’t know. I tried to muster up the courage to look through the stairs to actually see into the kitchen with my own eyes because I know it could be a trick off the light of the picture. I got close, and then I made a sound on the stairs and I freaked out right upstairs. I couldn’t do it. I opened up the room to my parents’ room and he was like, Dad, Dad, and he’s asleep. And he fell asleep and left you on the stairs. He just left me there. I’m like, Oh my God. Well, at least you were inside. Yeah. And I go back to my room and I tell him, he didn’t make you go on the front porch and then leave you out there. Stay in here and just close the door. Stay here. He does. I don’t even know what that time I think was about. I’ve usually, I don’t even get those weird timeout things, but anyway, so that’s my story. That’s a brief. I have other family members with more in depth stories and weirder ones and whatever else I’ve,
Some other little ones. But that’s what I think. That’s like the first one that I could think of to me that I saw. Did you ever see it again? Did you ever see it again? That specific blonde ghost in my house? No, but then again, I wasn’t up late at night looking down the stairs with the thing again. But yeah. Well, that’s interesting, though. She was benevolent. If she was a ghost, she was benevolent. I’ll say that much. But yeah. Right. She was making breakfast or something. Yeah. Or whatever. That’s wild because… So now, would there normally be any blonde women in your house at that point? No. Not really. Okay. You didn’t go, Dad, your girlfriend’s downstairs making breakfast. No. Not really. There weren’t too many blonde women coming in and out the house, truthfully. Yeah. It was certainly…
It was certainly, there was also, I forgot this detail. There was like smoke or whatever, or like a steam rising from the front of her. So it looked like she was really making something on the oven. I couldn’t smell anything, but it was real. And the fact that I kept looking at the photo, like, you know, or that photo, the painting or whatever. And like, and she was consistently in my, that I was like, and I knew I was awake. That was the, freakiest thing, but yeah. You said you had siblings, so did any of them ever see somebody like that? No, I don’t know. I don’t think they did. You should ask them. They never know. They might have and just haven’t talked about it. I told them about it, and my sister, did my sister believe me? I don’t know if she did. She’s my older sister. She didn’t believe you. Yeah, I don’t think she believed me.
Or maybe she didn’t. I don’t know. Maybe she did. I must have freaked out my little brother. I know that. If I told him, he probably forgot. You’re telling me, I’m trying to think of a famous blonde person from when you were little. I can’t think of one. Will and Grace was in there. That’s too early, right? That’s 90s. That’s too early. This is like around 2007. 2007? six, maybe eight at the latest was probably six or seven. Yeah, something like that. Maybe even five. I don’t know. Cool story, though. Thank you for sharing that. I appreciate it. I mean, that’s one of those ones that’s a lot better than some. So I always have a problem with the sound ones, right? Or the, you know, you know, I heard something, right? Because
you’re, you know, you can hear a lot of things, right? I have a, I have, I heard something one and, and I don’t even totally believe it, but I do believe it happened, but it’s really hard to explain, but you know what I mean? It’s not, it’s not like I heard a creek down the hallway. Um, I heard something right in my ear. And so it was like right next to me, but, um, you know, you actually had this visual and you saw it more than once. So you, You engaged, you broke off looking at it, then you looked at it again, everything was still happening, and it obviously was not the norm. The only thing, I mean, I wouldn’t bring up my thing to a paranormal demonologist, paranormal investigator, whatever, because I wasn’t able to actually even see with my own eyes. I can’t say I saw. There is a flaw in my story of how I did want to see, even as a kid,
if I can turn the corner and see this with my own eyes, cause then I’m like, I know I’m not, the light isn’t playing a trick on me. You know, I wasn’t too naive to know that this could just be some light trick, but the fact that I saw enough movement, it was like clearly a blonde woman. Like I don’t, I’m not asleep, but yeah. Oh, that’s wild. Well, so I guess you, cause you won the quiz tonight. You could have, free night in the sally House. No, I’m just joking let’s go that’s 250 dollar value i was gonna pay 250 plus tax for me uh no well unfortunately it’ll be an imaginary one, so just a coupon. Imagine yourself at the sally house for an evening. I’ll try to imagine you’re right it’s in the whelps. Yeah. One of the other things, I’m a little torn with this one because it does have a big reputation and there have been
some documented, you know, things with the sighting show. And I know a bunch of other shows. I know ghost adventures has actually been there since, uh, at some point in time. I know they were there and even some other ghost shows. A lot of ghost shows have been there, but i’m a little torn because my other, um, kind of rule on things with this kind of stuff is if somebody’s charging money, then you have to be extra skeptical because yeah it’s in their best interest for it to be, Haunted. This one is a little different because i don’t think they actually started running it out until much later. Like, just recently, you know, within the last 10 years so if all this stuff happened in the 90s. It was only in the last 10 years that they actually are renting it out. So, a little bit of separation from the events uh that made it famous to when they’re cashing in on it um but uh yeah it was but it is definitely a spooky looking house. And so
I think maybe there’s something there, but a little bit of, you know, a little bit of salt with the fact that they’re charging, especially $250. The bed didn’t even look nice. No, you’re dealing with like a sleeping bag or so. I think, right. Like there’s electricity, right. I can blow this mattress up. I agree with you. Well, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Once there’s money behind something, you know there’s extra pain on it. Like I said, I actually do kind of believe this story. I know they’re probably keeping it looking this terrible because they want to… It doesn’t have to look bad to be haunted. A new house could be haunted. The ghosts don’t care. The demon doesn’t care. It’s haunting a house. It’s the people talking in the 250. They’re like, no, keep the
the green felt-looking pool table floor. Keep it. Don’t touch it. No, no, don’t touch the old lamps and the peeling paint. No. Keep it. Have you ever spent an eye in there? Hell no. I take the money. You’ve got to spend it with walls. Goodness gracious. Haunted or not. Can you go back real quick to the doll picture? Is that a Raggedy Ann doll? Over there? Yeah, right there’s a Raggedy Ann. Yeah, those guys are creepy. I think… You know Annabelle? Yeah, I’ve heard of Annabelle. And how she was actually a Raggedy Ann. She was a Raggedy Ann doll, yeah. If they actually used the Raggedy Ann doll in the Annabelle movies, I’d be way more scared. Way, way more scared. There’s like a clown doll there. Then there’s some angels there. That makes it even more creepy. Contradicting. But yeah.
Couldn’t make breakfast in this kitchen. It’s pretty sparse. Yeah. So I think on the Sally house, we’ll say potentially something to it. Yeah. What do you think? I agree. I agree. I forgot to ask you at the beginning, but because you’ve been on so many times, but a thousand crazy questions is your show. I did mention that, but I didn’t ask about it. And then, uh, if anybody wants to go check it out, it’s at a thousand crazy questions.com. Yeah. Right. Oh yeah. Follow them. Follow them on Instagram. Yeah. Have you got to a thousand yet? No. A thousand questions asked. I don’t know if I’ve asked a thousand. I know I definitely have over a thousand. Oh, there you go. Yeah. It’s a, yeah, my podcast,
There’s a whole backlog, three seasons. I have one more episode before the end of the close of the third. I’ve been dragging my feet on it because I’m working on a different project. Do you want to talk about that or no? Very briefly. I’m shifting my focus to go to another passion of mine, which is movies. I’m doing a bunch of movie review stuff and working on a project in the background. I’m kind of shifting things. However, I’m not done with the podcast. It’s going to be on a break for a while. But, yeah, the back episodes are all there. And since it’s very episodic, you can click on literally any of them and still enjoy it. So, yeah. But, yeah. Evergreen content is what they say. It is. It is. Evergreen content. So, the questions are weird. And only a few of them. Never mind. I had a bad joke. I’m not going to.
It was about politics. Forget it. But yeah, no, Thousand Crazy Questions, the podcast, Spotify. Some are on YouTube. I need to make some more YouTube videos, but some of them are on YouTube. Anywhere you can find podcasts. And yeah. Is your movie thing called A Thousand Crazy Movies? No. No? Okay. I’m just going by Houston Pierce with my movie content. Oh, okay. I’m just… reviewing and and doing things around movies with the name Houston. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, more to come soon. I’ll release more things with that later i’m curious now. I think we’ll check it out here. Yeah. All right. Thanks for, yeah, thanks for the plug. Yeah, well, no problem. Yeah, I should have done it earlier. I normally do at the beginning i i just we just were chatting and i just jumped right into it, so.
Well, Houston, thank you so much for being here tonight, and thanks for talking about The Sally House, which is definitely not your topic of choice because I just sprung it on you. And everybody go check out A Thousand Crazy Questions and then see what he’s got in the background there with Houston Pierce doing Houston Pierce and the movies. I don’t know. What are you calling it? Do you have a title or no? I don’t yet. Okay, I’m on TikTok. I’m on TikTok at Houston Pierce. I didn’t put that in there. Oh, there you go. If you want to see movie reviews I already have out and movie-related review stuff, yeah, okay. Go to TikTok at Houston underscore Pierce, I think is my tag there. I haven’t created – I made an Instagram account, but there’s nothing on it yet. So I’m trying to figure out how to do that with Instagram and how the algorithm works. So, yeah, give me a second about that one. But TikTok at Houston Pierce. There you go. Go check it out, everybody.
All right, Houston. Thanks for being here. And we’ll see you all next time with the… She doesn’t want to be disturbed.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Ready, Freddy, here I come. Ready, Freddy, here I come. I forget what it was for. Hey, everyone, this is Miles. You were, like, really sitting there, nice and quiet, waiting to say that, weren’t you? I was, yes. At least. Wait, wait, wait. I’ll take one, one. could you leave me? So if i can ever get the miles to move on this idea, we just created two albums worth of songs that we are going to uh sing poorly yeah oh really i was going to try to get the music too, just for fun. Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We’ll sing poorly for everyone. um Just for fun. I will. Okay. Yeah. If I can never get him to sit down and actually do it. We did the easy work of coming up with the song.
Like, you got to memorize the lyrics? Yeah. Or should we do it just karaoke style and just bet them out? Yeah. Let’s just make it up. Make up words. I touched myself. Yeah. Oh, we didn’t even include that one. I know. All right. Go back and redo the list. Yeah. You got to put that on the list, man. Come on. We’ll have to have a debate about it, so. I think you say that every goddamn day, man. You’re like, hey, Miles, you know what I just did? What? I touched myself. I honestly do. I honestly do. I honestly do. It’s almost unavoidable, you know. I can’t help myself. All right, you know, yeah, okay. When I think about me. Yeah. Touch my own self. Yeah, my butt yeah I got I got Gary Coleman syndrome. Yeah, you’re the king of all, man. You’re the king of all myself oh my goodness. This weather is getting me down man this what this uh cold cold cold weather
Yeah. You drive me a little nutty. I don’t know what’s going on there. Don’t like it. Okay. First, last week he said about work. Now the weather. I mean, what’s next with this guy? Oh, I’m grumpy. Maybe if I took a car dealership errand boy’s advice, I would have a happier life. A happy ending. Well, I don’t know about that, but So I happen to be in, well, I was in Decatur over last week at one point. Not to brag. No, not to brag, not to, you know, I’ve been to Prague, I’ve been to Zurich, and I’ve been to Decatur. Yeah. Yeah, I was in Decatur, and when my wife, we were driving, and we were driving along out in the country because I took a slight detour to some old, you know, old stomping grounds. And I’m like, man, it smells like a skunk. Did we hit a skunk? Like bad. Like it really smelled like we hit it or something. And she’s like, we didn’t hit anything. And I’m like, I mean, I was driving. Are we sure? I’m sure I didn’t clip a skunk.
And, uh, and so we we’re going down this country road. I mean, it just got smelling worse and worse. And then i’m like, well, maybe that, because we were behind this guy who was in a truck for a well-known car dealer indicator. I’m like, maybe that guy, uh, well, the bob brady guy is actually the bob brady’s name of the place. Bob Brady guy hit a skunk because it really smells real skunky. Bob Brady. Come on down to Bob. And she’s like, yeah, I guess it’s probably a Bob Brady. Let’s see if he turns off because we were coming up near Bob Brady. Yeah. And we’ll see if it smells better. And so we get up. Well, then he doesn’t turn into Bob Brady and he’s still in front of us. I’m like, well, he’s not turning off. I’m like, I mean, he’s going like the same direction we are.
And so then we finally get to the point where he gets ready to turn, like the stop sign and everything. This dude is firing up. Like the whole cab is filled with smoke. He’s just smoking pot like nobody’s business. In the Bob Brady parts truck or whatever. I don’t know where the hell he was going. He passed Bob Brady. He went past it. I mean, this guy was, I mean, it was like he was hotboxing himself. It was like a diamond bullet. And I’m like, wow. Wow, wow, wow. I’m like, this guy’s really getting away with it. He drove right by the place. The whole cab is filled with smoke. Yeah, Cheech and Chong movie or something. Yeah, exactly. Hey, man. I was, I was, I wondered if maybe he didn’t even notice. I was, uh, it was so weird. I’m like, and then he turns off and of course, boom, that was, he’s got like this incredible amount of skunk weed going on in the, uh, Bob Brady Dodge parts delivery. No one will notice. Yeah. No, no one’s going to notice. They’re going to notice and talk about this. They’re going to know.
but i couldn’t believe it i was like oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. I’m so hilarious. I’m like this guy, he’s really good. I mean, I wonder if he’s like bob Brady, the fourth or something yeah right you know maybe it’s like bob brady yeah it was but hey i gotta this car prices are getting me down, man. I gotta go for a ride. This price is too high. Yeah, prices are too high. They can’t get any higher. Watch this. It’s all legal. Yeah. So, yeah, Bob Brady was smoking. I mean, he had to have more than a joint. It had to be like a bong or something because this was a lot of smoke. I mean, it was incredible amount of smoke. Oh, my God. This is definitely a Cheech and Chong movie. I couldn’t believe it. Then, yeah.
The air cleared up. It didn’t smell skunky. He’s listening to Lowrider. I got a kilo of super skunk weed here in Bob Brady. Some Illinois green. Yeah. Growing out in the farm in the wheat fields there by the highway. Lament’s own. There you go. Branded. Thank you. Yeah. No, I was just like, you know, more power to the guy. But I was just like, that was an odd one. I was not, you know, on the scorecard for the day. It was not. Yeah. Bob Brady parts guy getting super high driving down the road. Then he had the munchies. He had to go to Crackles. Okay. I went to Crackles. I did. I went to Crackles. He did not go to Crackle’s. I went to Crackle’s. Oh my gosh, it was so good. I met a friend there. I met a friend there for lunch. I put one of those air tags in your car. I hope it’s okay. There’s about a 25% chance when I go to the cater, you’ll know exactly where I’m going. Yeah, I was going to say. You go to three places every time. Yeah, I was like, yeah. But I did. I went to Crackle’s. Oh, it was delicious. Monocle’s.
We didn’t go to Monocle’s. I would go there. Yeah, Monocle’s. Crackles. Yeah, yeah. And the rest of them, for Christ’s sake. Right now, you’re wherever I go for lunch. Yeah, you’re pretty. You’re like a book, man. Yeah, I am. Oh, it was so good. Crackles hamburger. It was fantastic. Crackles. Yeah, it was invited, so I don’t know. No, I met my friend, uh, for lunch and, uh, and we had a nice chat and i was like, man, I think i got contact. Hi. Hey man. Dave’s not here, man. It’s like, it’s the bob brady buzz mobile get a free yeah i was driving around. It’s like uh nice dreams or something yeah yeah did you order the oil change? Sergeant Stanko. I could not believe that this was actually happening. Hey, Yoder, man, do I smell like skunk weed? Yeah, man. Yeah, I thought about him the other day. Yeah. Yeah. You know, send me a note. Or not. Or not. No, he’s still out there. Yeah. I think he’s…
For some reason, I was looking people up, and I think he’s still married to the woman that he married when I knew him and is still living a nice life somewhere. Okay. Yeah. Near Decatur. Operator, operator. Yeah. Every once in a while, I get these weird nostalgia kicks where I’ll look people up and whatnot. Now, there’s two less people now because, you know. Mm-hmm. two of the friends who passed away. Well, more than two, but too recently, I’ll put it that way. Right, right. Yeah. So, yeah, now I just need to find some others. I’m actually watching something about, this doesn’t have to do with anything, but it was like, you know, best places to eat in Illinois, and a lot of it was like central Illinois, but I don’t think they even throw out anything about Decatur at all.
Really? It has some of the best places. Maybe Kreckles did once, but I don’t know. It was like best barbecue and best hamburger and best, you know. Kreckles, you know, they still have the rooster car. Some people call it the cock car, but anyway. Sure, you’ve ridden both. The giant rooster mobile. Yeah. Kreckles is so good. I don’t Yeah. Well, next time we are in that neighborhood, I will take you to Crackle’s. All right. And then you’ll be like, no, that’s great. Not that great. It’s not as good as White Castle or anything. McDonald’s is better. Yeah, I know. Smidge pulled that on me once. McDonald’s is better? Are you kidding me? No, I don’t know. I brought him somewhere once, and he’s all like, this is not even like Chicago, man. Miles, your food sucks. All right.
Sorry, man. Sorry. But yeah, I did go to Krekkel’s and I got myself a Krekkel burger. Life was good. I actually want to go back to D-Town one of these days. I’ll take you down where the bears used to practice. Down in the city where you love it. Yeah, where people throw concrete on your car. Yeah, the most dangerous city maybe. Maybe. So, yeah. But, yeah, Bob Brady, obviously not drug testing, so Bob Brady probably better talk to the parts guy because he’s blazing up pretty big in the old parts car, the parts pickup. Yeah, probably someone’s nephew or something. Yeah. I mean, you know. Yeah. But it was funny. Oh, it’s the Bob Brady car. Oh, my gosh. It’s either a skunk or skunk weed, honey. I don’t know which. Skunk weed. It was not, you know, grade A primo kind of stuff. Let me put it that way. It was pretty skunky. You had to inform your wife. She’s like, what’s marijuana? Do you know Miles and how stupid he is? Yeah. He smoked a lot of marijuana when he was a baby. Not when I was a baby, no.
Not when I was a baby, but… Yeah, no. What’s going on in your neck of the woods? Everybody’s getting high in the D-town. Everybody’s doing it. Well, you know, I got a… Everybody must get stoned. Sometimes you talk to your family on the phone and you’re like, I think they’re just a little fucked in the head or something’s weird. Or I thought maybe they’re stoned. Maybe they went to Bob Brady’s for a reason. Yeah, Bob Brady. No, it’s like… Last night I get this phone call and it’s my sister who loves the rock, you know, that’s just the way she sounds. She talks just like that. She and my mom have gone down south to snowbird. The devil went down to Georgia. I was looking for, they’re living with Thomas Tate down in Atlanta right now. Yeah.
They’re down there again, because there was a story, I think, last year when they did this, and there were some shenanigans. Yeah, they’re down with Doc right now, Louisiana. Really, down in Lafayette? Lafayette, no, I don’t know. I don’t want to say where, because then you’ll try to visit them, and I don’t want that. Boy, I’m not going down there, you know what? No, they’re down south. They’re on the coast. Ah, they’re on the coast. You know, I just, you know, my sister calls. I’m like, oh, this could be good or bad. Yeah. With my mom, my mom, you know, it was like the old 90s. I forgot some message for you. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I don’t know why you want someone to call me. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And so they’re on the phone, and they’re very chatty and laughing, and I’m like, oh, okay. They’re in the giggle weed or something. Yeah, I got some gummies.
Oh, we’re just driving around. We’re looking for a place to park. Behind the Bob Brady pickup. Oh, contact high. And so they’re like, yeah, we tried to call you the other day. I’m like, no, you didn’t. Yeah, I think we did. Like, no, you didn’t. No, you didn’t. don’t have any notes. I don’t have any notes. No one told me. I know my phone didn’t ring i charged uh 24 7 so i always have it well all right, all right. Let’s not stretch it. that’s not true okay so they’re like anyway so uh what’s going on? Well, mom was in the er again i’m like oh what the what happened I’m like, what? Yeah, that was my, like, what? And they’re all laughing about this. I’m like, what the fuck? And you go, what happened? What happened? No, I did it Three Stooges style. What happened? Nothing yet. It’s like, oh, our mom passed out at the casino again. I’m like, what? What? And now she’s taking, like, some kind of fantastic diarrhea medicine or something. I don’t know. Great.
She’s down at the casino and pulling the one-armed bandit and just keels over. No, no. There’s a little more detail to it. She’s like, I don’t… I’m on a hot streak, Miles. I was winning. No, I wasn’t even that. I was up 35 cents. My fortune. I’m going to win back Miles’ inheritance. So anyway, I guess she’s like, I don’t feel good. I think I’m going to pass out. Really? Right. So my sister’s like, well, we better get going. And my mom’s like, oh, no, no. I’ve taken a lot of diarrhea medicine. I have to go to the bathroom first. Oh. Right. So she’s on a walker. Wouldn’t it be anti-diarrhea medicine? I’m not. Well, yeah. Do people really take diarrhea medicine? Oh, wait. No, wait. No, wait. Couldn’t.
Wait, she couldn’t poop, or she was taking the accident? I don’t know. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. Anyway, so, yeah, it’s all right, doctor, yes. So, anyway, she goes to the bathroom, she’s got a walker, she goes in the stall with her walker, drops the trowel, and nothing’s happening, I guess, but she’s, like, leaned over, like, leaning on the walker, apparently. Yeah, she’s really trying hard. Yeah, so, you know, she’s going to end up like Elvis, you know, Crazy. And, uh, I’m caught in the trap. I’m caught in the crap i can’t walk yeah at least she yeah she couldn’t she’s like i’ve been bending over so much. I cannot stand up she’s like i’m too weak. I can’t get out. Oh no. My God. So my department in here. Yeah. yeah
So, okay. So they call for help. Oh no. Your mother pants down. Yes. Yeah. So the dude’s like, listen, you’re going to have to unlock this door, stand up. Cause you got that Walker in there with it. We can’t get to you. Cause that Walker’s in the way. And she’s like, I can’t like, ma’am, you’re going to have to do it. She goes, listen, why don’t I just, when I get out, just let me lay on the bathroom floor for a while. Who wants to do that? With all the piss and pubes and everything else that’s on the casino floor. She was in the women’s bathroom, so it was slightly nicer. I don’t know about that. I don’t know if we’re any cleaner than men. Apparently, she did get the door unlocked, but then she just totally blacked out. After she unlocked the door? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, so they actually had to just fish her out of there, I guess. So she woke up like a McGurney, you know. Oh, my God. Did she pull her pants up? I don’t know who did it. I don’t know. I didn’t want to get into that part of the story. I’m like, I don’t. Did she black out before she pulled her pants up? I don’t know. I didn’t want to ask that. This is an important part of the story. I mean, because your mom could have flashed all the first responders. Yeah. Earl’s gone wild. She’s doing some beaver shots on all of them. Oh, my God. That’s sick. Oh, my God. It’s terrible. Oh, my God. It’s horrible. How do you live with yourself? Granny Bieber shot. How do you live with yourself? Oh, my God. Horrible. Oh, my God. 90-year-old grandma passes out at casino and shows everyone her pussy. Oh, Jesus Christ.
You know, my family listens to the show sometimes, you know, just so you know. It’s all made up. Oh, yeah, I know. That’s what I tell my family. Oh, it’s all scripted. It’s 100% scripted, yeah. How do you know she didn’t just dance out of there? I don’t know. I go, you could have died like Elvis because he died on the shitter, you know. Oh, my gosh, your poor mother. Well, no wonder they were laughing about it because otherwise they’d just cry of embarrassment. Sure. No, I’m like, when did this happen? They’re like, oh, Wednesday. Yeah, just regular week. Today’s Sunday. I’m just now finding out about this now on Sunday. It happened Wednesday. Don’t you follow her on social media? Yeah. Granny Beaver, at Granny Beaver. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It might be her new gig. Her old fans. Only fans. My mom’s not only fans. That’s right.
Oh, my God. That’s terrible. That’s terrible. My God, you’re evil. You are evil. Her mascara looks fantastic. Yeah, her eyeliner, yeah. It has been tattooed on. Yeah, it was tattooed on. Her eyeliner looked perfect. Because it’s a tattoo. Is she okay? I guess she’s okay. She got that and a handful of beads. Which was funny, yeah. I don’t know. Did she take her shirt off while she was going down there? I don’t know what happened. Who knows? Who the hell knows? Miles, did you know it’s Mardi Gras down here right now? Yeah, I know. Grammy’s going wild. Yeah, so mom, please be careful. Oh my goodness. Oh my gosh. Terrible. What a terrible thing. I’m like, oh. She’s okay though right so i don’t know. They were all laughing. I don’t know if they’re all drunk or what driving around. I have no idea they’re like what was your sister doing? Just standing outside the door? I don’t know she’s retired nurse. I don’t know what the hell she’s doing. I don’t know. I would have macgyvered that door open for her yeah like mom open the shitter door mom those things backwards just bend it backwards. Ah, she had a bad back.
All these people are so delicate. You’re going to have to stand up and do this. Pull the door off. Who cares? I don’t know. It wasn’t the rock that showed up. What kind of help are these people? I don’t know. The door is locked. I don’t know. I guess you’re going to die. I’m going to die. I mean, what kind of help are these people? I don’t know where their training comes from. They have a little device to unlock all those doors. They have one. They have it. I guess. I don’t know. I don’t know anything about bathrooms, dude. I don’t cruise bathrooms like you, okay? I don’t know, Senator. They have to because, you know, people lock the doors and then unlock the door. They have a little tool and they go and it unlocks.
In case someone dies on the shutter, I guess. I think you got some low IQ help there. Your sister did. Did she run out and get the guy hanging outside the bathroom rubbing his crotch up against people or something? Yeah, some guy running around. Jenny! Come in here, Forrest. I can’t open doors. I’m not much of a man. Yeah, it sounds like, you know, they’re really, they didn’t, I think they didn’t believe her. I, maybe, yeah. Yeah, you’re, I think you’re. Why would you make that up, though? Why would you make up the, oh, I’m about to pass out in the shitter. Please, somebody. Maybe she had a big loss. Maybe this happens constantly at the casino. They’re trying to get a lawsuit going. Yeah, I don’t know. I’m out $68,000. That’s right. I think I’m going to have to turn over the title to the Cordova. Yeah, we’re going to have to give away those golden cougar hands. Cougar hands. Go dig through the car, Jiminy. Mm-hmm.
Your poor mom. I mean, gosh, she should stop going to the casino, honestly. Yeah, I know. Various reasons, yeah. There’s so many places between here and there that she could just sit in a nice bar and do the same thing, you know? Yeah, my mom just wants to go and sit in a bar, yeah. Well, you go. You go sit. I mean, you have relatives that own these things. No, her sister used to do that all the time, but my mom doesn’t do that. Yeah, no. I mean, you go and throw your money into the puggy or whatever and pull the fucking machine. Sometimes, yeah. Yeah. So she can just hang out with you. You can help her out. Yeah. I don’t know. You’re like, Mom, don’t worry about going to the bathroom. Just do it in your pants. Yeah, like I do.
When I’m gambling, I wear some Depends. I got my NASA diapers. Yeah. Get up or nothing. Let it go. Let it flow. Well, I’m glad she’s still okay. Yeah. And I’m glad she didn’t lay on the bathroom floor, especially. Yeah. Yeah. Well, too bad that her cooch is all over the internet now.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Are you arranged now? I’ve got to check what condition my condition is in. What condition my condition is in. Ooh. Nah. Hey, everybody. You get nothing. Good day, sir. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. You stole fizzy lifting drink. It’s in my cheeks. I just want to give a big thank you to Miles for cheering me up tonight. I was having a shit day, and then I get on with him, and he’s doing stupid, goofy shit, and then I made fun of him, and I felt so much better. I ain’t dressed in front of a camera for him. I wasn’t going to mention that part. That was the negative aspect of things. He started to feel a lot better about himself when he’s like, you know what, maybe I am not a loser after all. Yeah, I’m not such a loser. God damn. I will tell you, though, if you really want to force yourself to throw up, have Miles call you, FaceTime you,
With his phone sitting on a table looking up at his naked body while a ceiling fan is spinning in the ceiling. It was my only fans. I was getting nauseous and then the fan made me dizzy. Oh, yeah. They do it in Apocalypse Valley. They’re geniuses. If only I was in Vietnam and drunk on my ass. Quad cities. Yeah. Quad cities. I’m going to go up the Danang River. Bob keeps getting stronger and I keep getting weaker. Getting weaker. I’ll go down to Mississippi. That’s right. Go down to Mississippi. That gave me a mission. I’m heading down to New Orleans to get a beignet. Bob is working on his own accord. Oh, yeah. No one’s going to claim us. We’re off the map. This mission never exists, nor has it ever existed. So, I think you should start tonight because you sent me a doozy of a picture this week.
You know what? I did. I sent you this picture because we were laughing because that’s not even me. That’s my wife’s leg. Oh, my gosh. I didn’t even notice. It’s horribly bruised. She bruises very easily. What was funny was she had her foot tucked in under her leg, so her foot almost looks like a ball sack. I totally assumed that was your leg, to be honest. It looks like someone’s had their ass cheeks whipped pretty well and like they’re like on their stomach or something it’s a weird it’s a weird picture like ass cheeks to me but you’re right that does look like a ball bag yeah it did i’m we’re all laughing like god what the hell i’m looking at it right now but to be honest i thought that was your leg honestly no no no wow miles’s leg i mean he always teases me for not having any hair but gosh yeah like it’s supple
I didn’t even realize it wasn’t your leg. Well, there you go. Yeah. Cause it looks terrible. No, he’s not. Okay. As he laughs maniacally. Well, we’ve almost filled up our punch card for the ER. Well, I think, I think they give you like a couple of free ones every year. Anyway. Yeah. It’s not, you know, start of a year without the ER, you know, Mrs. Tidal, so good to see you. It’s only the second week of January. We’re like Elvis. We have our own room in there. What’s going on? Did you push her off the patio or what the hell’s going on? Luckily, I’m old and I was just kind of getting over that illness. I was dealing with that bad thing, cold or whatever. You were sick for about a month and a half.
It seemed like it. And I actually had gone to bed before 10 o’clock that night. So I’m like, okay, all right. I can’t sleep normally. Yeah. Well, I don’t usually go to bed. I’m not old. You know, I don’t go to bed that early. But anyway, so. You know, Netflix has got a lesbian channel. We’re going to watch Wives, I guess, here. Okay. And so I’m asleep. And now all of a sudden. Oh, my gosh. I’m like, what? I’m like, all this crazy screaming. I’m like, what? And you’re like, honey, I didn’t even make it to REM yet, and you already brought the boyfriend in? Yeah, I know. I was getting a REM job. And no, I thought it was actually time to get up. I thought it was like 630 or something. I’m like, what? I look. It’s like one o’clock. One o’clock in the morning.
And then the screaming stopped, so I thought, well, maybe I’ll just wait and see. Well, it was dark. I mean, I didn’t want to get hurt. There’s wild screaming in the house. You wake up, and then you’re like, well, I mean, that could mean a lot of different things. I go, maybe if it quit, though, maybe it’s not as bad as I thought. I think it’s worth investigating. And I thought, what would Bob do? I thought, okay, I better get out of here. I better check this out. You know, God only knows he’s cut off her finger again or whatever. She’s in the dark. She’s in the bathroom and she has decided she had to go to the bathroom. It’s dark. She lost her footing and she fell and she tried to catch herself and she ended up fracturing, uh, her wrist. Oh my Lord.
her wrist is even worse than her leg? Yes. Yes. But she bumped her leg too like she almost like fell into the into the uh tub yeah our tub is somewhat close to the, uh, we have a small bathroom so yeah well you didn’t want to pay you wouldn’t want to spend uh extra for the wide angle lens yeah i’m like yeah you know, I’ll wait till bob gets here, and i’ll get a nice camera. And I’m like, oh, shit. I’m like, are you okay? I was tired. I’m like, are you okay? I’m not okay. Don’t you guys have a nightlight in there or anything? Well, no. No, we can’t afford one now. We can’t afford a nightlight. That trip for… to New Orleans clean me out, I’ll be honest. Yeah, well, if you didn’t go gambling and playing the slot machines all the time. Yeah. So I’m like, well, come on, I’m getting back in bed here. Come on, I’m going to shake it off. Come on. Shake it off. I think it’s broken. You’re so nice. Come on. I’m like, you know, I go, maybe we better go to the ER. No, no, I’ll be tough. Don’t worry. I go, I think you broke something. Let’s go. All right. Oh, my gosh.
well, you know, okay. And you go there and, uh, there’s just about no one there. Like, well, this may be, this is good. You know, maybe the best time we’ve ever come here. Yeah. Yeah. Cause usually it’s all everyone, you know, with the flu and shit, you know, little kids crying and old people that, you know, and, um, we actually have a whole thing like worked out. We’ve been there so many times. It’s like, I know where to drop her off. She’ll hobble in and then I’ll go park and then I’ll meet up with her. You don’t even go get her the wheelchair or anything. She always, no, she refuses. She refuses. Every time I mentioned, no, no, no. I’m like, okay. So, uh, she goes in and I walk in and I, you know, like, sir, did you come in with that lady? I’m like, yes. Yeah.
Did you come in with our star? Yeah. Yeah. She forgot her punch card. Could you go home and get it? I’m like, okay, hold on. Don’t worry. I’ve got the app. Yeah. And so she’s in the room, of course, or, you know, doing vitals and stuff like that. And, you know, of course I’m the keeper of the purse and the glasses and the drink and the, you know, whatever else. She broke her wrist and she still took her Stanley cup to the emergency room. Her Casey’s cup. Jesus Christ. She’s moving in. I know something’s wrong because I can’t pick up my 55 ounce cup. I can’t go back to 16. I can’t. Yeah, I got a bean bag and a lava lamp. I’m like, what the fuck is all this? Jesus Christ, what the fuck? Houseplant. Could you watch the fern? I’m like, Jesus. Talk nice to it. Not dirty. There’s a cat in the bag, so watch out. I’m like, oh, my God. This is like two. Jesus Christ.
My comfort snail. Yeah. All right. Yeah. No, we, we have this all sad. Cause we have like this whole thing. Like where’s my, where’s my, uh, you know, flight pillow. Yeah. Yeah. You’re like, you know, like when people, you’re not going to, you know, go into labor, they have the bag ready and they kind of get the whole, yeah. It’s kind of like that at this point. I’m like, okay. Yeah. Yeah. Bring that, bring that, bring it, you know, and, uh, I’ll charge it. I’ve got a go bag for the ER. Yeah, bring the charger. Don’t forget the phone charger. Like, yep, yep. And so she’s getting taken care of, and, you know, doctor pops in. Really just excellent staff. Really nice people. Super nice. Like, hey, you know, you are 5.9% of my salary. Hey, I want to thank you, man, because I got a Q5, man. You know, if you stop coming here, there’s going to be cuts. Yeah.
I wouldn’t want to slip on that stuff outside. You know what I’m saying? Can we make an appointment for, like, in another month and a half or something? Yeah, right. Yeah, well, the way it’s going, yeah. So it’s like, you know, well, you’re going to have to have x-rays. You’re going to have to wait for the x-ray person to show up. And I was like, okay. The x-ray person, yeah. I’ll go, what’s your name? What’s your birthday? What’s your name? You got like Gabby Hayes technician. All right. We’ll be back. Go ahead. Smile. First boy, you can stay here. We’ll be right back. Okay. You and the kitty cat there. We’ll stay here. And I’m like, okay. And, uh, you know, she comes back after a while and, uh, you know, you, well, we got to wait for all the experts to read your,
films and something oh yeah at this point, you know, very quiet in there. At this point, like, you kind of hear, like, some other family come in across the hall. And next thing, you know, you’re sitting there also it’s like, were you changing your clothes near a ceiling fan? Oh, no, no. That poor lady is, like, coughing and, like, blowing chunks at the same time oh jesus it would not stop. It would not stop chinese oh man oh god like she was full of spunk or something like oh yeah would not stop with this oh i i’m getting sick thinking about it. She would not quit with this puke i ate a bunch of cheese curds. We just got back from Wisconsin. Yeah. I mean, really would not. Yeah. Like I had the buffet. It was a golden corral. I had Wendy’s super bar. Oh my God. Would not stop. Would not stop. And, uh, so the doctor, you know, yeah, you got a fracture. He goes, I’m going to, I can do a split. I’m going to splinch you up here. Oh, wow. Splint.
And so we’re talking to the guy and, you know, very nice doctor, very personable. And he’s like, oh, I’m from Philly. I go, no, you’re not. He’s like, yeah, I am. I don’t know. You’re not. He goes, what do you mean? I go, I have cousins that live by there and they talk really weird. And, you know, you don’t talk like these weirdos, man. He goes, oh, that’s yeah. Those, yeah. Those people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We don’t. Yeah. So I don’t know. I’m the fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This guy’s got, like, a very milquetoast, like, almost, like, Midwestern, you know, non-accent, you know, voice. I go, my cousins all talk fucked up, man. They all have, like, a weird… Eagles! Eagles! Eagles! Eagles! Yeah, I know. No, I don’t know. I remember them just talking very weird. I don’t know if it’s, like, a Canadian accent. I don’t even know what it is. No, it’s a Philly accent. It’s
I guess. I don’t know. What’s the cheesesteak? Yeah, I haven’t seen any of them for forever. But anyway, yeah, so we’ll talk to that. So anyway, you know, deal with that. So it’s time to go. It’s like, all right, well, okay, well, here’s some Tylenol. Good luck. You know. Yeah. Yeah. Like, okay, so that’s it. Yep. I will tell you, no more than 10 ounces in the Stanley for a while. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so a poor woman had to go home. Like, oh, here’s three Tylenol. Good luck. You know, hope you feel better. You can get better stuff on the street for cheaper, so. And this was like, I guess this would have been in the morning. We were only there like three hours. It was like 1 to 4 a.m., I guess, on Friday. Oh, wow. That’s great.
At least it was on Friday, so at least you had the day off, right? No, I had to go to work. Oh, it was on Friday morning. Yes, it would be technically Friday morning. I went to work. Well, you’re going to work and sleeping is about the same thing. Pretty much, yeah. They’re like, well, call orthopedics. She calls them. They don’t call her back. So the whole weekend, you’re waiting, waiting, waiting. Get a hold of them. Monday, like, oh, well, we can’t see you for almost a week. I’m like, oh, fuck. Oh, God. I finally get her in. She’s got a cast going. I’m like, oh, man. Horrible. Nothing broke. It just fractured. It’s just going to have to be immobilized. It’s a break. Oh, it’s a break. Yes. That’s probably better, to be honest with you. Well, yeah. Let me put her on the phone and you can tell her that. She’s dealing with this basically no pain. Well, I’m just saying that sometimes the sprain and the fracture is just worse because it’s better. I’m not a doc.
Okay. I’m not a break you know it’s there it is that’s it yeah no it was uh as opposed to, well, it seems like you got some swelling. Yeah. Right. Oh yeah. Well, that was, that was just a insane, crazy thing. And then like i said two months later she takes this picture and that’s where like, that looks like someone’s sack. Doesn’t it? Like someone’s like on their belly kind of. showing ass cheeks with, like, their sack hanging out or something. You should have cropped it a little bit more, I think. Yeah. Then it would have been a little bit more, yeah, but it’s not ass cheeky. Well, the fact that I can see your dirty laundry basket and a few other things in the background there, you know. Yeah, you know. There’s an animal in the picture, like a cat or something.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In the dark area. And, uh, yeah. I typically sleep with one cat and two dogs on this bed along with my wife on any given night. Yeah. Okay. Uh, well, now that i zoomed in, it’s actually hairier than i thought. Oh, you are a freaking jerk, man. That’s my wife’s leg, you jerk. Oh, my God. Well, I thought it was yours. I know. You’ve been all upset ever since I sent this to you. You’re like, here, let me read it. So you sent me the thing. I go, an ice issue? You go, can you see my balls? I go, what? Really? And you’re like, nah. And I said, bad date. So what happened? And then you didn’t answer me for like a day.
And then I’m like, well, I’ll save it. I said, all right. I hope you feel better, old man. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. I didn’t want to show my hand too fast. So you had me. I believed until this moment earlier in this conversation that that was your leg. I thought you fell down or got run into or I don’t know what the hell happened. Miles, when did you get an episiotomy? Well, it didn’t show that far. When did you get a C-section? Yeah. And I mean, I didn’t look at it super close until just now. Yeah. Oh my gosh, somebody’s leg. I think I… Someone’s cat. And sent a picture to you with my bloody beat up leg one time. I think I had a picture of my father-in-law’s leg because he had knee surgery and I posted it and everyone got all freaked out. Like, oh my God, are you okay? I’m just joking. I just like posting other people’s surgery pictures. Because his leg was all yellow. I’ve got jaundice. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I’ll be just fine.
Well, I hope she feels better. Yeah. It’s tough. Now she’s broken her wrist. I mean, your house is going to be a mess. Yeah. Until she gets better. Yeah. If you saw that picture, yeah, you pretty much. I mean, nothing’s going to get picked up around that place. Pretty much. Yeah. I’m not doing it. I’m like, fuck. Yeah, I was going to say. There’s three hours of sleep I’m never getting back. Oh, cry me a river. Come on. Cry me a river. You wake up in the middle of the night and go look at women sitting on pastry and stuff. Not anymore. Oh, why? Are you getting in trouble? No, I was watching that MTV one. Oh, for God’s sake. Those girls are missing half their legs. I don’t even want to hear about this. Why? They’re beautiful women. So what? I’m sorry they’re missing their leg. I’m sorry. I feel sorry for them. I swear, man. Well, you want to hear my story or no?
I think I should. Yeah, I think that’d be the only decent way. It’s not as funny as all that, but it’ll be somewhat funny. No, this is about your texting the cell phone bullets. No, no, that was just tonight. All right. So, you know, I’ve become a chauffeur now that I’m older. I chauffeur my wife everywhere, it seems like, right? So she doesn’t have to. park the car and get out. I drop her off at the door and all this kind of stuff. That’s my new side gig that pays nothing. And, uh, and so she’s, she’s like, Hey, I gotta, I’m gonna, uh, take some, uh, you know, drinks to put in my office. So when I’m at the office, I’ll have stuff, but it’s real heavy. Would you come in and help me do this? Yeah, sure. I’ll take you. So, uh, oddly enough on Friday,
I think it was just as you were not getting any sleep and going to work. I was driving around. So we had to do some other errands ahead of this. And there was kind of a rumbly in my tummy. And so then she’s like, you know, let’s last stop. We stopped by her office and I was going to take this stuff up to her office and, and, you know, store it for her while she did. looked at something anyway, and then we were going to go home. And so I’m like, I’m like, bring in my you who. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and then we had, we had gotten some, uh, soda that, uh, we accidentally got some soda that is, we didn’t want. Yeah. And so she’s like, well, we’ll just take it in with us and we’ll, there’s a sharing, uh,
area in the kitchen net thing where people just put stuff that they want to share with everybody so we’ll just take it in there yeah so i take her stuff and put it in her office get her all situated and she’s like okay let’s go down to the kitchenette and you can put the this other big you know thing of soda uh by on the sharing shelf and so she’s you know i’d never been her office. So she showed me her office and she showed me where the kitchen thing was. So we’re in the kitchen. I’m putting the soda in the sharing. There’s nobody in there and so I made sure I gave it a good look. And then I ripped off a fart because my stomach, I really had to get rid of this, right? Loud white.
I didn’t think it was going to be that loud. It was. Apparently it was. Louder than they intended it to be. This was not silent but deadly, right? No. It was a little louder than intended. And she was doing something else in there. Her head whips around. Looks at me. It gives me the, you know, what the F are you doing? There’s cameras in this office. And I’m like, there’s nobody here. There’s nobody here. You never know. What the hell are you? Who are you? I’m like, my stomach’s upset. And she’s like, well, go to the bathroom. I go, I don’t want to go to the bathroom here. I want to go home. I just had to let off a little bit because it was getting too voluminous here. It’s just a turd beeping for the right of way. That’s all it is. Oh, she was so angry with me. We’re leaving.
And so, yeah, and then we get in the elevator, and she’s like, well, I think you have your story. Was it a good, like, solid, like, one Mississippi, two Mississippi? No, no, no. It was not intended for anyone to hear. No, but I’m saying, I mean, the length of it, you know. Oh, no, it was pretty quick. Just like a one Mississippi. Yeah, it just got it out. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, man, my stomach is really, oh shake it off yeah and then i’m like and then we got to get out of there before somebody comes in. And then that’s been hilarious i would love you to get caught. Oh my God. I got caught by her, but that’s, you know, normal supervisor. But the, but the reality is that’s i don’t do that very often. So it wasn’t, I really had to let off some steam, you know?
You know, I don’t recall you farting. Exactly. I don’t like to fart. We hung out a lot in college. Like you. I don’t do a lot of public farting. We’ll put it that way. So, yeah. But, I mean, this was like, this had to happen or else, you know, things were going to go bad if this didn’t happen. Yeah. So, anyway, I made a home and then, you know. hit the head, and i was all good, but, yeah, I got a little bit of trouble there. I’ve walked into people’s farts before. Oh, my god i feel like they’d be laughing you walk like oh they just Oh, my God. You just ripped ass right here, you bastard jesus so the uh the comrades got some free soda, but i left a little uh
A little scented candle for them. Yeah, I was going to say, then you have to go back to the store and get those little Glade plug-ins. That’s right. Well, now we have to go back. No, I got some banaca in my pocket. I’ll just spray it. Don’t worry about it. Banaca. Come on. Banaca. Banaca. Banaca. The binaca blast. I got me. I got some high karate here.

Transcript (AI transcription)

So Frank, how’s New Jersey these days? Well, New Jersey is like Antarctica at this point. It’s very frigid, a lot of ice and snow everywhere. Other than that, it’s Jersey. There’s nothing else like Jersey. It’s one of the greatest places in the world and a very weird place as well. The garden state. Yes, absolutely. Welcome to Mondo Frico. How’s everybody doing today? My guest is going to be Mr. Frank. Do we do Frank Edward Nora for your guest appearances as well? Yes. Frank Edward Nora. Yes. You all three of them. Okay. I wasn’t sure. Frank Edward Nora. We’re going to talk a little bit about the Jersey devil. Frank is a big proponent of the state of New Jersey, as you just heard at the intro. And so what if you had to say, what’s your favorite thing about New Jersey?
besides the Jersey devil, obviously, what would it be? Well, I mean, to people outside New Jersey, it has this horrible reputation and people think it’s just this dirty smelling, like piece of crap place to live. But when you’re here, you understand, first of all, it has pretty much everything. It’s like, if you took the entire United States and sort of crushed it down into this tiny, tiny, tiny area, New Jersey is that. So we have weird, We have the mountain lands in the north with people who are hunters out west. Down south, we have these weird pine barrens, which we’re going to talk about with these weird hillbilly-type people. We have cities. We have seashores. We have everything. And it is by far the most densely populated state in the United States. But beyond all that, so people that are here generally love New Jersey. Because you get to know all the roads and towns and areas.
It’s almost like driving through different dimensions. They’re so distinct. Like I would take drives even down to where my parents used to live. And each of the different ways I could go had such a different feeling. And I don’t think I’ve ever seen that in other places. But beyond all that, there is just this weird sense of strangeness and greatness that is very hard to pin down and put into words that exists here in New Jersey. And everyone knows about it. You know, there’s that magazine Weird New Jersey that very much touches on all of that stuff. But it is something of a magical place. And the fact that everyone looks down on us just makes us more, you know, makes us love New Jersey all the more. In fact, there’s the New Jersey Hall of Fame opened recently in the American Dream Mall. And they have a whole movie about that aspect. It’s about New Jersey overall, but about how people in New Jersey, you know, take that as a mark of pride. And of course,
As we’re going to talk about, we have the best state monster of any state. We have the Jersey duck. The best state monster, of course. And it’s certainly a different monster, I would say. Definitely. Well, if folks don’t know, Frank has a show called The Overnightscape that’s been going on now for 24 years. I couldn’t remember. It was like 23 years. 23 years. 23 years. Okay. Yeah. And you can catch it at the overnight. I misspelled night there. Dang it. Overnightscape. I forgot the T. Yeah. Theovernightscape.com. Yeah. Yeah. There we go. That’s more like it. That’s it. Theovernightscape.com. And so you can, I’ve been listening to Frank for 23 years now. Yeah. Pretty much. I think I caught you really early on. So.
Well, you were doing the, what was it called before that? You were doing a different show. Well, you were kind of doing a bunch of different things prior to the Overnightscape emerging. And I remember I listened to that stuff and contacted you way back when. What was it called? Bluffcosm.com. Yes, Bluffcosm.com was my first internet radio website. And then when podcasting started, I actually took your XML feed to make my XML feed. We both started real. We were some of the first podcasters, you and I. I know. Isn’t that crazy to think about? I’m like, it’s been, yeah. So we just entered our 27th year of doing the show, the Static Radio. And then I’m doing this thing here. It’s goofiness here, Mondo Frico. That actually appears on Static Radio as well. But yeah, so it’s been a long time going.
going here? It’s amazing. I’m trying to decide, you know uh if it’s i like to think of it as something that’s been really, really good and positive. But then i also think about oh gosh i’ve been doing this for 27 years. Is there something wrong with me you know you gotta ask yourself these things. I don’t know. I ask myself that all the time, what, what is going on with this stuff? But, uh, you know, I have faith in the people of the future that they will discover our works and enjoy them on into the far future. Yes. Yeah. Let’s just do that. Let’s go with that. I mean, it’s been an interesting ride and, and you and I’ve actually did a thing on another project called prior caster. We talk about all that stuff. So, but here on Mondo, you know, we talk about weird things and I think, uh, let’s just go into the quiz, shall we? Yes.
Quiz. Quiz. Quiz. All right. So we’re going to go into the quiz on the Jersey Devil. I’m going to ask you five questions. They should get harder as we go along. So the earlier ones will be easier. The later ones should be harder. And it’s multiple choice. So don’t, you know, you wait for your choices in case. All right. First question. Where is the legendary home of the Jersey Devil? Is it A, the Pine Barrens, B, a slightly damp corner of the Newark Airport baggage claim, C, the Appalachian Mountains, or D, the Great Dismal Swamp? That would be A, the Pine Barrens. All right. You got it right. This is an easy one. You also mentioned the Pine Barrens already. Yes, already, yes.
So as we move along here and get a little tougher, what is the most commonly cited number of children that Mother Leeds had before the birth of the devil, the Jersey Devil? Would it be A, 8, B, 10, C, 12, or D, 47, but 45 of them were just very enthusiastic squirrels? That would be C, 12. Oh, my gosh. It was the 13th child. Yes. It was the devil. Yes. All right. Two for two. Frank is killing it. All right. So let’s move on here. Number three. The period of most intense sightings that brought the creature national and international attention occurred over a single week in what specific month and year? February 2012 when he lost his car keys near a Wawa. July 1890, January 1909, or December 1855? I’m going to have to guess the 1855. Going with D, 1855? Yeah.
It was January 1909. You were very close. Okay. Very, very close, right? I mean, they’re all old. I mean, the Wawa one was obviously out of the… It was not anywhere near it. So, okay, well, you’re two for one now. Still going to win it, I think. So, in 1909, one of the most famous reported encounters involved a postmaster and his wife. In what specific town were they claimed to have been trapped in their house while the creatures circled outside? Was it A, Trenton, B, Gloucester City, or if I said that correctly, C, Atlantic City, D, Freehold, or E, inside a hollowed out artisanal cheese wheel? I would have to say Gloucester City. Oh, Gloucester City. You want to change your answer or you think that’s it? Final answer. All right. Gloucester City. So I actually came close to saying it correctly. So that was right. All right. So you got
Three for one. You’re doing fantastic. You’re going to win now. This is inevitable. You’re in the Super Bowl. Can we say that? We’re not saying it about monsters. It’s a big game. Yeah, it’s a big game. The historical non-supernatural Leeds family in New Jersey was significant. Which of the following is true about Daniel Leeds, who founded the family’s presence in the state and whose almanac printing business was may be related to the legend. Was it A, he was a famous Quaker abolitionist who fled the state. B, he was a prominent early New Jersey Almanac printer who was in a political and religious feud with the Burlington Quaker establishment. C, he invented the Taylor Ham versus pork roll debate just to annoy people. Or D, he was an explorer who first mapped the Pine Barren regions. That’s a mouthful there. I think the answer is B.
B, he was a prominent early New Jersey almanac printer who was in a political and religious feud with the Burlington Quaker establishment. Yes, final answer. That’s right. Wow. Four correct, only one wrong, which was a year, which I always think those are the hardest questions, to be honest with you. Don’t you? Yeah, it can be tough getting that actual year. Yeah, nailing down a year is just too much, I think. Well, congratulations, you won that. So you really, you know your devil lore. Let’s take a quick break and then we’re gonna come back and I’m gonna read a little story and then we’re gonna talk about it. Here we go. Mondofrico. Mondofrico. Mondofrico. Mondofrico, that’s what you’re listening to and watching right now. So here’s a quick story about the Jersey Devil, just to give you some background in case you didn’t know.
The Jersey Devil is a legendary cryptid said to inhabit the remote pine barrens of southern New Jersey. The most popular version of its origin story dates back to 1735 and revolves around a woman known as Mother Leeds, often identified as Deborah Leeds. Having already given birth to 12 children, the distraught Mother Leeds supposedly cursed her 13th unborn child in a moment of frustration, exclaiming, let it be the devil. When the child was born, it was initially a normal baby, but it quickly transformed into a monstrous creature with a horse-like or goat-like head, bat-like wings, cloven hooves, a forked tail, and a generally grotesque appearance. Growling and screaming, the creature killed the midwife and some of its siblings before escaping up the chimney and flying out into the pine barrens where it has supposedly been lurking ever since.
The creature sometimes historically referred to as the Leeds Devil is most commonly described as a bipedal kangaroo-like beast that moves quickly, hops, and emits a terrifying, blood-curdling scream. Over the centuries, the Jersey Devil has been blamed for everything from crop failures and livestock killings to simply terrifying locals and visitors of the Pine Barrens. The most famous wave of sightings occurred in January 1909 when hundreds of people across New Jersey And Philadelphia claimed to have seen the creature or its strange cloven footprints in the snow. Oh, you had snow now. This massive panic led to the school closures and factory shutdowns and even prompted a $10,000 reward for its capture. So you could see how that would have helped out with the quiz immensely. But I like the whenever you do that, you know, the pre. I think that’s always better if you ask me. But I always give the guests the choice. So.
So what do you know about the Jersey Devil, Frank? What has your experience been as a native New Jerseyan? Well, it’s something you always hear about. And, you know, in New Jersey, even though it’s very small geographically, the North and the South, it’s kind of like, you know, we here in the North really don’t really visit the South very much and vice versa. And they wanted to secede at times. And we were like, let them secede. So It’s a South Jersey phenomenon. And I’m more from, well, I guess you could say originally from Central Jersey, now in North Jersey. So it’s felt like something that was far, far away. And I don’t think I’ve ever actually been to the Pine Barrens, but it’s such a big part of our state identity, right? Because I do think it’s one of the best monsters because, you know, most states, I mean, so many states have Bigfoot, you know, which, you know, it’s shared by many states. There’s Champy up,
between Canada and New York. But again, they’re sharing it. We have Chupacabras in West Virginia, which has so many, which I went to last year, has so many cryptids. Oh, yeah. They have a lot of things there. You know, but Jersey has just the one big cryptid, and it’s named after the state, and it’s unique. So we have great pride in our Jersey Devil. And of course, the hockey team named the Jersey Devils after the Jersey Devil. And, you know, it’s something that It’s just always a part of the legend of New Jersey, you know? Yeah, the hockey team. There’s no other hockey team that I know of named after a cryptid. No, other than those sort of like, you know, minor league baseball teams. No, well, I’m talking national hockey league. Yeah, the top level teams. Yeah, I don’t think there’s another. There’s no big feet, big foots, yeah. Yeah, I don’t think, yeah. And I mean, that’s quite an accomplishment because, I mean, the Devils have been around for,
Ever, as far as i know yeah i remember when they started. But yeah, it’s been around a long long time so that’s something so you think that this because you have a kind of like the the jersey devil is only in new Jersey, right, and only happens in usually around the pine barrens and stuff like that, do you think that it is uh more animal or more supernatural or paranormal? Well, my theory about the cryptids may be a little different than other people’s because I think a lot about interdimensional geometry or higher dimensional geometry. So the idea is that we live in a three-dimensional world. But in theory, there could be another three-dimensional world stacked on top of this one in the fourth dimension. And there could be doorways between these worlds that could exist.
we’re very close. So let’s say we might be two millimeters away from a whole nother three dimensional world. And there could either be standing gateways or different animals, creatures or beings could naturally be able to cross over to this between the two worlds. So the idea is that if you had life forms, like all of these cryptids that are reported, and I do believe in the concept of when there’s smoke, there’s fire. This phenomenon of mysterious creatures that are innumerable sightings but impossible to pin down and get samples of or anything, to me would be a sign of a being that can transfer back and forth between these worlds. So I think that, for example, an area like the Pine Barrens, it could be an area where they talk about the fabric between the two worlds being less dense. And a creature like this that is native to, say, the next world over,
could accidentally or deliberately cross over into our world and then just cross back over, being that we have no capacity to travel interdimensionally. We don’t have the technology, as far as we know. We’d be at the only thing. We could try to encounter it when it was here. And you could have stray, like, for example, did you hear the story that’s going on in India right now? There is one elephant that has gone insane in India and has and is going from town to town killing people has killed 22 people already, right? Elephants, yeah, I just saw this story. It’s just from the other day. Elephants are usually very peaceful and, you know, obviously don’t, but this one elephant went insane and hasn’t been caught yet and has been murdered, or like I said, killed 22 people already. So this might be, the Jersey Devil might be an example of a type of life form where one of them went nuts, you know, the rest of them are very peaceful flying around in the other dimension, but one of them, maybe one of them
went crazy and accidentally or deliberately came over here and shouldn’t normally happen. But when one member of the group gets enraged or has some kind of sickness, it could happen. So that’s how I’m looking at this kind of thing. Yeah. So do you think the Mother Leeds story is the fabrication aspect of things to explain away the Jersey Devil as opposed to its origin story, as it were? Yeah. I mean, You know, that story strikes me as something that’s less likely, in my opinion, more of a fanciful sort of explanation for something like that. But we have a lot of like there’s a lot of stuff like this in New Jersey. Like when I was growing up, I actually made a movie called The Evil Farm, which is actually I believe it’s on YouTube or the Internet Archive. I eventually did that back in the 80s because we heard all of these local legends. There were things like the glowing grave, like you pass this graveyard in the middle of the night. This one grave starts glowing like super bright.
there was the, the pig woman’s castle in, in New Jersey where this, this half woman, half pig lived there and killed people. And we had the devil tree, which is one of the biggest things right near where I grew up. It’s still there. It’s this evil tree. And it actually, they turned it into a park at one point and everyone tried to destroy the devil tree. Last time I went there was a few years ago. There are these ax marks in there, burn marks. You just cannot destroy this tree. And it was just like evil tree. So I made up my own, fake one called the evil farm you know but we were but even back then in the 80s they’re in new and i don’t know if it’s like this everywhere just all of these weird myths and legends of these things that are happening um so maybe the fabric between the worlds is is less dense here in new jersey the interesting thing to me is I’ve, as you, as you explain kind of your take on it, which is a a very interesting take that, um, you know, it’s like, as we progress in our,
understanding of the world, right? We have less and less of those kind of stories, right? So that we don’t have the immersion of these kinds of stories so much anymore. I’m trying to think of something that would be more contemporary. I guess Slender Man might be something that’s more contemporary. I don’t know. I don’t really yet. Slender Man feels to me like something that was always sort of fictional that sort of people became obsessed with. I don’t know if it’s originated with actual sightings or something, but I’m not super familiar with that. I’m not into the creepy pasta stuff. Right. Right. Well, exactly. And so that’s what I’m saying. So we have a harder, as a society, we have a harder time kind of, these things don’t get created as often and then they don’t take off the way that they did in the past. Right. So, you know, the Jersey devil has, um,
uh, what I would call documented sightings. I mean, these people literally experienced something, you know, fully. And, uh, I mean, there’s, uh, I believe there’s newspaper articles and other, you know, um, uh, documentation of the day as it were back in that time period that, that says this happened kind of like there’s Bigfoot sightings, like there’s other things, but, but there was documentation that this actually occurred to these people. And you know, they have as much as they could, they have documented what happened. But the question remains though, you know, what was it and so forth. But your explanation is, makes a lot of sense because you know, if let’s say we, like for instance, if we just take a real world example, if you’re walking around in a park and you will come upon an ant hill, right?
and you take a stick and you poke it into the anthill, all of a sudden the giant appeared out of nowhere and he ruined our house, right? Or however the ants would associate it. And then you just walk away, never to be seen again, ever. You’ll never come by those same group of ants ever again in their lifetime or yours perhaps. And so that could easily be happening to us and that’s why it’s so unexplainable because… It’s just like, you know, we’re the anthill. And this thing just kind of waltzes in. Yeah, the idea is that it was, you know, there wasn’t really any great intention perhaps to find these incursions into our world, right? It was just sort of something more akin to an animal than an intelligent, you know, human-type being. So, yeah, super random. But you know that we know someone whose father saw the Jersey Dome. Yes, yeah, I know. So there’s been many hosts on my podcast network.
the Urban Escape Underground, and this one guy, Brian Jude, who hasn’t been around on our channel for many years, but apparently his father saw the Jersey Devil, I think, going out to his car one morning in the driveway and was face-to-face with this creature that I believe matched the description of the Jersey Devil, which does sound a lot like a dragon as opposed to anything else, if you really look at the descriptions. More than they’re saying it has a horse head. It’s like any other cryptid. Unlike any other, it doesn’t sound like anything else. Yeah. Skunk is a Bigfoot. I mean, it sounds like Bigfoot. Yeah. This one seems like as a horse head. Well, that’s kind of like a dragon. It has leathery wings. Well, that’s kind of a dragon like, you know, so. But anyway, apparently he saw this thing. I don’t know. Apparently, I don’t think it must have run off or he ran off or something. But apparently Brian Jude has been part of Jersey Devil groups hunting the Jersey Devil for many years now. So.
I don’t know if they ever made any progress, but I just, it’s just interesting that we know someone whose father saw the Jersey devil. So. Right. Yeah. So I mean, it’s like a six, six degrees of separation. Yeah. Like a few degrees, I guess you to Brian and then Brian to his father. Yeah. So, and that was not, I’m trying to remember. Cause I have, I remember him telling the story on a show back in, you know, like the early late two thousands. Yeah. And so I don’t think it was, I mean, it was like in the, 80s or something. It wasn’t that I mean, it wasn’t like, you know, in the 20s, or the 10s, or something. It was like in the 80s, or something. So which is a long time ago now, but not as long as you, you know, not as long as I think, but yeah, which is interesting. So it’s not like it’s, you know, ancient history or anything like that. It’s within, you know, a generation. So that is wild. And I would say that my theory is somewhat supported by
the somewhat maddening, like, promises of UFO revelations that the last couple of years, right? We, it almost felt at one point, what was it, like, a year or two ago? It felt like they were finally revealing stuff and showing footage and everything. And then it all kind of went away. But they showed actual footage from the military of these orbs or these discs that were traveling at speeds that no known human technology could travel at, just instantly disappearing and then kind of reappearing. as if they’re shifting, uh, you know, through higher dimensional space, which again is, is sort of what we’re talking about for these creatures potentially, but this is actually, they have actually have videos of things. I mean, I guess there’s other ways things could disappear, just teleportation or whatever, but right. Uh, to me, that’s how I, you know, like how, whatever kind of tell, but that’s how I interpret it, that, you know, there could be these other worlds very close to here, which would not be all that exotic if you actually knew about them.
Right. Or the mechanisms behind them would all be matter, energy, space, time, as we understand it, just a higher dimensional geometry. And I have a hypothesis, I guess I would call it that, you know, we Mondo Frigo talks about all these things, right? We talk about aliens, we talk about cryptos, we talk about paranormal, supernatural. I have this theory that it’s all the same thing. So the the Even though everybody loves to categorize, we are a species of categorize. We love to catalog things. We love to categorize things as a human. And we constantly do that in our everyday lives as individuals. And then as a group, we do it even more. But even though they’re different, it may be the same phenomenon. It just happens.
we encounter it in different ways. It’s the whole, you mentioned the mad elephant, but it’s the whole thing where, uh, the blind men, uh, touch the elephant and one says he’s skinny. One says he’s fat. One says he’s wiggles because we’re never seen in the same situation or under the same circumstances because it’s also random. And so, um, you know, and we’re not prepared, right? So we can’t, measure it you know we can’t you know figure out what’s happening. It happens usually so quickly that by the time it’s over, we just go with our gut, right? Oh gosh, that was, you know, this. Well, in fact, I don’t know, but that’s an idea. Well, I, I do agree as, as a theoretical framework with the idea that’s all the same. And in fact, uh, on my channel, there’s a guy, Dave in kentucky who did a series called sermons, interpreting the Bible, especially the early books. And then some of the apocrypha
from more of a technological standpoint. So instead of these things that they’re talking about were technologies and perhaps this interdimensional aspect. And if you look at the Bible in that way, it makes total sense, especially some of the parts that were edited out of the Bible, kind of like the book of Enoch, where Enoch, who is, I believe, Noah’s grandfather or great-grandfather, blatantly goes into a UFO and rises up into these weird other dimensions. In something that was part of the Bible at some point, they’re talking about a flight and a UFO. So I do think that it’s, and again, only in recent years have we had access to kind of like all of the ancient writings all around the world. You know, I love reading, you know, the Rig Veda, you know, the ancient books, the Sumerian legends.
South American legends, and they all tell the same story of this race of somewhat humanoid beings, though have more capacity than us, greater technology, larger, more powerful, and their relationship with the humans. How could it be that every society on Earth is telling this same story? And I’ve never heard of some sort of grand comparison of all this ancient literature to see what’s common between them and these civilizations that should have had no contact whatsoever. We’re talking about civilizations that are continents apart. millennia apart, all telling the same story. So my view is that for some reason, we here in this world are not allowed to know about these other worlds. We’re not supposed to know about these other worlds. That’s why any time we see a UFO or one of these creatures slips into our world, it’s a mistake. It’s not something that was meant to happen. That’s why they’re so relatively rare. Could be. Well, having…
Having seen a UFO in broad daylight, I don’t know that it was a mistake. Now, and I don’t know if you know this story or not. I’ll do it real quick. Back in 2005, I was out in the yard playing with my kids around 4 o’clock in May, which is broad daylight. And I was showing my kids planes going overhead because we happened to be in the flight path that day. of planes, and they like to see that. And I look up and i saw a sphere, a metallic sphere fly over my house from horizon to horizon that i far i could see in less than 30 seconds. And I just happened to catch it in the corner of my eye. And I was able to track it across the sky as it went over us and at at altitude, right. So I was looking
Things probably around 10,000 feet. My guess is it was somewhere in that neighborhood because it seemed to look similar height as what we were looking at earlier. And it just went over. And the thing is, I think my thought was that this probably happens more than we care to believe. And you just have to be there at the right time, looking in the right place at the right time. It’s not like now where we have planes going over every day all the time. But maybe there’s only whoever was flying that. If it was a robot, I have no idea. Was anybody in it? I have no idea. But whatever it was doing, maybe it’s one of two things on the entire planet. And it’s just crisscrossing. Maybe it was doing a survey. I don’t know.
And I just happened to look up at that point in time to catch it. And so, yeah. And so I don’t know that we’re not supposed to see it. I just think that we, we don’t plan to see it. And so half the time people just ignore it or they don’t allow themselves to see it, which is another issue. I think there’s also, and I don’t know what it is exactly, but there is, The general population, I think mostly ignores all these things. And so that’s why it doesn’t happen to more people. Not saying I’m special or you’re special or anybody special. I’m just saying that, you know, some people notice more than others and some people are just so involved in their minutia that they don’t notice anything that’s not part of that. And I think that’s where some of this lands. Yeah. I think, uh, do you remember there was a movie, a documentary
That was real big about 20 or 25 years ago called What the Blank Do We Know? Do you remember that one? Oh, I vaguely remember that, yeah. So I know I watched it. I don’t remember much of it. But they had the one scene where it was in Hispaniola, I think, when the first European ships were arriving. And they said that, and I don’t know if this was based on reports or just theories, but that the natives that were there could not, even though the ships were right in their field of vision, they could not see them. like it was something that they were not at all familiar with. So only one of them was able to see the ships. And then when this person said, no, touch them on the shoulder, look out there, then they were able to see it. So the idea is that there could be things that are right in front of our eyes that we just, we don’t see or perceive or acknowledge at all because there are things that we don’t. So you could say that there could be a lot more mysterious things in our fields of vision that,
we simply cannot acknowledge or see due to some aspect of perception. Yeah, I think so. Even now, more than ever, we’re constantly surrounded by radio waves. Everybody’s got a Wi-Fi router in their house now. You’re surrounded by this thing transmitting and receiving radio waves constantly, constantly. And then you have your cell phone, same kind of thing. When the cell phone goes, there’s constantly stuff going around. You cannot see any of it, right? Because we’re not built to perceive that. But, and if we were built to perceive it, it would probably drive us incredibly nuts to have that happening constantly. And so I think, yeah, some of it is just gets blocked because we do have a, an advanced filtering system. Have you ever heard the thing where you never see your nose unless you really try?
But your nose is always in your field of vision. Well, there’s also the blind spot test. If you find them online, there’s so it’s when you do it, you realize that you’re not seeing what you’re really seeing. So for example, you know, each of us on either side of our field of vision, there’s a spot where whatever the back of the eye is, whatever, there’s a thing there that you can’t see, but your mind fills it in. So there’s tests where there’s like a pattern of bricks, let’s say, and there’s a, there’s an area where there’s a blatant white dot, let’s say, And if you move it towards your face, you are perceiving in your slight peripheral vision, the white dot disappears and you just see the brick pattern continuing, which shows you that your brain is essentially photoshopping things all the time on your blind spots. And that shows that your mind is photoshopping things in your field of vision to remove them. Right. So that’s it. So it’s a very simple thing that you could see yourself that you’re not seeing what you’re seeing.
Right. We’re seeing like the light goes into our eyes and then it goes through a process of interpretation. So you might say if there if there was a thing like if it was if your brain was programmed, oh, edit out all of the weird creatures that are floating around, then you’d never see them. Right. And it almost catches you off guard in a way. I think that’s an interesting thing. But so let’s we’re going to meander back. We kind of got off a little bit. Let’s meander back to the to the Jersey Devil itself. So. you’re thinking that it probably is something that comes from a possible another dimension. And I love the thin spots in the veil, which that is totally, as you were talking about it, that’s totally, you mentioned Photoshop, from working with editing of graphics and so forth, because everything’s layered, right? And so there’s an infinity.
Infinite amount of layers that can happen. So why isn’t there an infinite amount of layers in our reality, right? And so it just kind of comes in and comes out at will perhaps at by accident. Perhaps we don’t know yet But so you don’t, you think it’s a creature still, but it may be it and other dimensional or other Kind of worldly in a way creature and as opposed to something that was born in this one. Am I getting that right? Yeah. When you say another dimension, it sounds very exotic, but it would be just, in theory, another world just like this one, just with different stuff there. And the idea of how does it go back and forth, I mean, I do think that all life forms, us included, have a higher dimensional aspect to our own bodies. But for some reason, we don’t know how to sort of move things
in this higher dimensional way. I think it would be totally in the realm of possibility that a life form, a creature, an animal like the Jersey devil could just have a capacity to perceive where the fabric is less dense and to go through. It’s just simply to, you know, the idea is that if we’re already four dimensional or five dimensional physical bodies, Right. You could imagine there could be any number of ways to sort of propel yourself in a four or five dimensional direction. We just we lack that because I think that for whatever reason, we’re sort of meant to be we’re meant to stay here in this one particular world. We’re not meant to explore other worlds just yet as a species. But for these other other beings, I think it would be completely possible. And again, if you were able to sort of see it all.
understand the whole process, there would be nothing supernatural about it. It would simply be part of nature that we’re not familiar with. So nothing magic or shimmering doorways. It’s all, it would all be quite understandable. So if you had the opportunity, if I could, if I could tell you tomorrow, I say, Frank, I’m coming over, we’re going to run down to the Pine Barrens and we’re going to see the Jersey devil. Are you in? Absolutely. I would, I would love to see something like that. I, uh, I’ve had a lot of weird experiences, but I have not seen an actual cryptid with my own eyes. Or I don’t think I’ve seen a UFO with my own eyes either. There was a few times. I think I may have seen one of the drones from New Jersey we had a couple years ago. Oh, really? The Jersey drones? Oh, wow. I may have seen one early, early in the morning. But my hairdresser actually saw a line of like 40 drones pass over her house. Oh, wow. Like low? Low? Real low? Yeah, like a line of 40 of them, each one the size of a small car. Oh, wow.
You know, and that was that whole thing. Just again, you talk about these phenomena that happen. Who even talks about the drones in New Jersey from just a couple of years ago? I think it was 2024 that all happened, if I’m not mistaken. It was actually that’s how Mondo Frico became a thing was talking about the Jersey drones. So that’s what hatched the idea for doing this was when the Jersey drones showed up. partially and there’s other things involved, but yeah, that was one of the big first. And yeah, there were explanations promised and the explanations were, if you recall, the explanation from the administration was it was a mix of hobbyists and a military and that’s it. Like they didn’t go into any detail. Well, I don’t know that you, I can’t buy a small car drone. Yeah. It’s not a hobbyist thing that a drone like that is,
corporate or military there would be no, there’s no hobbyist level at that. Yeah. I have two drones. One is very very small and the other one is probably like uh RC car stock, you know, guys uh, plat, you know, area, not that heavy, but, um, yeah. And so, yeah, you can’t, I mean, getting anything much bigger than a box is, you know, your standard shipping box is, I mean, that’s not in the realm of, of personal ownership. They don’t want you to, you know, that’s become there becomes a whole other issue. Whenever people can pick up small children with a four rotor device, then they don’t really like people to do that. So, yeah. The other thing about the Jersey Devil that comes to mind is for many years, my my my the way I viewed the Jersey Devil was it must have been in a book somewhere.
They took an illustration from Alice in Wonderland or Through the Looking Glass, one of those books. It was Sir John Tennille’s version of the Jabberwocky. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Which that was the image I had of the Jersey Devil, which is actually similar. It was sort of bipedal with the wings and sort of the head on the long neck. And I just found that strange that I don’t know where that originated, but it seemed like the Jabberwocky, which was an imaginary creature, like looked a lot. And that’s the question was, I guess, Alice in Wonderland was written before or after the Jersey devil stuff started to be reported probably afterwards, right? 18 afterwards. Yeah. Yeah. 18, mid 1800s, maybe offhand. I’m trying to remember 1830s, 1840s, maybe, I don’t know. I need to look it up. But yeah, so that, that vision, and I would have to look up the illustration, but that’s how me and I think a lot of other people, because I think it was in a book that said, this is what the Jersey devil looks like, but it was the, it was the Jabberwocky from, you know,

1865. So it was probably very similar. So I don’t know if Lewis Carroll could have been inspired by the stories of the Jersey Devil, or I don’t know. It would be Sir John Tenniel, because I don’t think in the Jabberwocky poem, he doesn’t really describe the Jabberwocky. So the illustrator would have would have been the one who would have decided what it looked like. Yeah. Jabberwocky poem was written in 1871. Okay. Whimsical language and so forth. Yeah, interesting. But it’s kind of interesting, you’re right, because i do remember that um the look of the jabberwocky and that uh it does have some, you know, it looks kind of like the jersey devil in a way, I suppose. Yeah, and then there was a movie by terry gilliam and uh called jabberwocky with the michael palin and terry jones i think
      Yeah, yeah, vaguely. And they have like a life-size, you know, this huge Jabberwocky creature in it that they were fighting or whatever, so, yeah. And then, I think, being that the description of Jersey Devil is very much like, again, similar to a dragon, and how dragons are, perhaps you could say, are like a cryptid from history, where it seems like so many cultures have reports of dragons and histories of dragons, even in The Chinese zodiac dragon is one of the animals and all the other animals are real, like an ox and a goat and, you know, a dog. But then there’s a dragon, you know, there’s a dragon just stuck on there for good fun. Yeah. So, you know, what is up with that? And, you know, are were dragons something that were commonly seen and then somehow all disappeared? Similar to that, if you go to the Cloisters in New York City, the museum called the Cloisters, they have these incredible tapestries of unicorns.
      Right. They’re super famous. But and apparently the tapestries were so expensive to make. They cost more than castles. You know, that’s how insane it was. But they show all of these these really specific looking unicorns, you know, which are sort of like very sort of thin horses with the one horn and how people were hunting them. Like, why would these people spend what the equivalent of like a billion dollars today to make a tapestry of this thing that’s just completely fake? a figment of your imagination. It doesn’t make sense. Well, and the way you just said that it reminds me it’s like we talk about things going extinct all the time and also being discovered. And so why can’t this something that it couldn’t have been something that was, you know, real, maybe not all the magical properties of it, but something that was real and and fairly um uh you know, maybe they’re on the edge of extinction and that’s why they kind of
      gave them all this magical properties because it was something you didn’t see every day. You know what I mean? So it’s like, um, why I always get in this argument with people, not argument, but I always take this down. It’s like, why do you think everybody in the past are idiots? They weren’t, they were just, they were just as smart as you are given the, their circumstance. And actually, in a way, I would say they were smarter than we are today because most people today cannot accomplish the things that were accomplished back in those days by the average person, right? So people can’t, they can’t even have a garden and make it survive, you know what I mean? So it’s like all these people fed themselves, they clothed themselves, they made everything, and today we just buy everything and so
      You know, really, who’s smarter? And that’s one of the arguments that that academics make on all this stuff is, oh, well, they’re just a bunch of idiots and they just made up a unicorn. See, that brings up that brings up a good point, because we do rely on the academics and the experts, the museums and things for what is real. Right. And so they’re the idea maybe that they have recovered bodies of Jersey devils, but it’s been kept from the public. this all gets into conspiracy theory territory, but I don’t know if you’ve heard of this persistent stories all around the world of giants, especially giant humans that used to exist. And the idea that there was ample evidence and bones and histories of all this, but it has been suppressed. So if you can find this online, like especially the Smithsonian Institution, et cetera, has innumerable, incontrovertible evidence of giant humans, humanoids,
      in their archives, but for whatever reason are suppressing it, saying it never existed, hiding it or destroying the evidence. And that’s the thing. I mean, if we rely on these groups, you know, if there’s a super rare thing, say there was a Jersey devil body recovered. Only if it was if that group decided to reveal it to the public, would we know about it? If they decided to suppress it, then we wouldn’t know. Yeah. So many. Yeah. It’s so tough. It’s so tough because we we have um, we have proof. There is proof. I need to talk about conspiracy theories, but we have things that were conspiracy theories that have been proven to not be. For instance, I don’t, and I was just reading an article. I know this doesn’t have a direct connect, but after world war two, you know, all of this, uh, famous and very expensive artwork was stolen, uh, during the war, right? It changed hands. It went from people who owned it to, um,
      to people who we didn’t even know who they were at that point because it just went underground, right? And the US government put together a plan to make modern art be more valuable so that that way they could bolster the value of art. And that’s why Jackson Pollock became so valuable was because the government, and it’s it’s you can go read about it, it really happened, they funded it completely, and they got all these people on board that were, at the time, would be considered influencers what we use today, to say this is the greatest art ever in order to change the market so that these pieces of artwork that were stolen wouldn’t have as much value they wanted they they basically snowed the world into believing that
      that these artists were the ones that were the masters and not the Dutch painters and all these people from the past. And it came out, it came out that they really did this and they pumped a bunch of money into it and got people to write articles and go on and on and have sales and basically totally changed the market. And it’s like, I’m like, why? I mean, these things, I mean, I understand the reasoning was because a lot of bad people got a hold of a lot of really expensive things. And so they wanted to get rid of that element. So they crashed that market. But yeah, I mean, so if that’s true. It goes to show how you can, you know, this is a topic that’s very near and dear to my heart because I’ve always felt that a lot of this, you know, contemporary art is kind of worthless and people have been either
      intellectually bullied or brainwashed into believing that it has value, but it just goes to show you, you know, I think this is one of the more blatant examples, but there are very sophisticated techniques to change how people fundamentally perceive reality. And so the idea that, you know, like people, you know, used to, I believe used to be more curious about things. I don’t think people today aren’t really asking those questions anymore. When you looked at conspiracy theories in the past, it was all about asking questions, you know, who’s really running the world, what’s out there. But now it’s sort of devolved in the conspiracy theory world to just another branch of politics. And people aren’t asking those questions anymore. So when it comes to things like cryptids or the Jersey devil or anything, people need to be curious. And I also think that if you recall, you know, I’m old enough that I lived in the pre-internet age, always hungry for, when I was a kid in the 70s and 80s, always hungry for
      information and stimulation and something to, to engage you and you would have to seek it out, right? You’d have to, um, you know, your parents would have all these old books and we had the Encyclopedia Britannica from like the 1950s. And I would always go in there and look for stuff, go to the county library and just browse the stacks, look at old magazines. This was sort of like a lifestyle back then. And I think that stays with you for life. You’re constantly seeking out information and, Asking those questions. But now with all of the Internet and the phones and yada yada, the the the reflex or, you know, to be curious or to search, I think is a lot less. Yeah. And I think even though everything’s available, you’re right. Yes. Yes. It’s easier than ever to find things like we just looked up Lewis Lewis Carroll because we were talking about. Yeah. And it’s easier than ever to do that. But people still don’t do it. They wait for things to come to them.
      They don’t go find things. And yeah, that is an interesting take on it that I really hadn’t thought about because you’re right. It doesn’t it doesn’t take anything to find it. But just a small sense of curiosity. It just all goes to the theory related to Jersey Devil and other cryptids and UFOs and everything else, which is that these are phenomena in our world that are there is at some level of authority, a desire to suppress so that the the general public does not either know about it or they know about it, but there’s not enough evidence for it to be something that could be considered quote unquote real. And that we can see with these examples that it would be the main thing to do would just be to throw people off the scent, get people to stop investigating. Um, you know, I’ve, I’ve found that, you know, one of my favorite topics is the nature of the world we’re living in, which again, goes into the theory of maybe these other dimensions and stuff. But, um,
      I noticed something, remember a few years ago, everyone got into the flat earth theory, right? Which I think is a natural place you get to when you’re just trying to figure out maybe this world is not a ball floating through space. Maybe it’s something else. Thinking more inter-dimensionally, everyone that starts on that journey now encounters the first step is this flat earth theory, which to me is asking the same question, but giving a kind of a bad answer. And I noticed like 80 or 90% of the people that had started on that journey of discovery got stuck on flat earth and just believed it. And their investigation was over. Where did that come from? It just came out of nowhere in like, what, 2008 or something or 2010? It was everywhere online. And it derailed these investigations. It’s going to be the average person who has the mind for it that’s going to be investigating. Again, cryptids, Jersey Devil, all these things are part of the questions. It doesn’t seem like the world is exactly as it’s been described to us.
      But these roadblocks are put in our way to derail the investigations. And, you know, yeah. So that’s just one example of something that seemed to have been deliberately set up to stop people from getting any further in their investigation. The interesting thing about that is that, you know, going back to that art world, but to the government, the government funds certain things in scientific endeavor. If you want to be funded by the government, you have to go with what they’re asking for. And I mean, it’s not like $2, this is like billions of dollars. And so all of these folks run to that funding because they need it, right? That’s how they continue their research and everything, but it’s not on what they want. It’s what on what the government is going to fund. And so that controls a lot of, a lot of scientific research is,
      controlled by the government in a weird way through all of this grant money and so forth. Well, I mean, there’s a movie that’s quite controversial. It’s made by Ben Stein, famous from Ferris Bueller and Win Ben Stein’s Money, called Expelled, No Intelligence Allowed. And it’s certainly very controversial. It’s going to upset a lot of people, but it has to do with scientists that want to explore intelligent design as origins of life and how they ran into what you’re talking about, funding issues and reputation issues where they weren’t like super religious people who were saying, you know, I got to follow the Bible. They’re like, no, there’s scientific avenues to, we’re not saying it’s true. We just want to explore this scientifically. And they were shut down at every angle. This is not something you could, this is not something you can investigate. This is not a science that can be explored. Stop it, stop it, stop it. And, you know, whether to me, science should not have rules like that. Science should go and explore everything. Science is the type of thing where,
      If I discover something, it’s not like, oh, you got to believe me. It’s like, hey, the other scientists can reproduce it and can show that it can be consistent. These results are consistent. So it’s not something about belief. It’s not something about, oh, it’s dangerous because these scientists are exploring this. But if you watch that movie, you’ll see that it’s not just talking about this topic. Physics, I think, is another example where apparently, I don’t know too much about it, but I was talking to someone that knew more about it, that this string theory took over physics and it was a similar thing. You could only get funded if you were focusing on string theory, which has no practical experimental avenues to test it. But so it’s the idea that so other aspects of physics were not being funded. So this happens in so many aspects of scientific research where many, many avenues of research are completely shut down and they should not be. That’s not the nature of science. Right, exactly.
      You should come up with your hypothesis and see what happens and then see if somebody else can get the same result. And then if we get enough of the same result, then bingo, bongo, we’ve got something that’s real. But if there’s things that those in control don’t want people to know, they’d have to cut off any scientific research into it that was getting close, let’s say. These all are very paranoid theories, but yeah. You say that, but the reality is prior to the economic structure that we currently have, you could do that. If you could sustain yourself as a farmer or as a farmer’s kid or something like that, and go out and look for the Jersey Devil, you would be able to do it.
      because no one could stop you. But now we have this whole other thing that is happening where the government controls the funding, so you can’t. I mean, in the economic situation, you cannot do that if you want to survive unless you have some other means, right? Somebody actually put it in the chat on YouTube. It says, asking for funding to investigate Santa Claus They’re being an honoree here. F that noise. Let private funding from nutjobs fund those other nutjobs. Which is fine to say that. But the reality is that’s the argument. They’re not nutjobs necessarily. If you believe there’s a Santa Claus and you can run an experiment that says there’s a Santa Claus, then why shouldn’t other people be able to confirm that? Yeah.
      Uh, and the other thing is, you know, and I know I’m, I’m feeding into a bit of what, uh, what Frank likes, uh, in a way, cause I know him on the economic front of things, uh, is, you know, why do we have this economic system when it’s, it’s clearly broken at this point? So, you know, the realities are we could fund multiple different things fairly easily in a, uh, a different economic system. Yeah. And it’s just another example. Just search for the true nature of the Federal Reserve and you’ll go down a rabbit hole that no one, no one, no one says it’s a conspiracy theory. It’s all true and no one contends. When you understand what’s going on with the Federal Reserve, it’s the most infuriating thing you’ll ever know. And it’s hiding in plain sight. So that’s another rabbit hole people can go down. Yeah. And the Federal Reserve is not that old. No.
      called it the beast from jekyll Island. What was it? 1912, 1915, something like that yeah i’m gonna look it up. See, look at this. Yeah. Do the quick work here. Uh, December 23rd, 1913. 13. Okay. Yeah. So not, it’s not something that, because everybody just assumes that, oh, it’s just something that’s been around forever. Again. It’s again, it’s a great example of something where it’s in plain sight and you hear about it every day. Most people don’t understand the actual nature of it, which, again, is not being hidden. It’s just probably way too complicated mathematically for the average person to understand. And people just don’t investigate, you know. Right. Don’t care. It’s almost it’s actually the Jersey Devils older than the Federal Reserve. There you go. Yeah. Well, Frank, give me just a second here.
      And we’re going to wrap this up. Let me play a little thing and then we’ll have some closing comments. This is Jonathan. And this is Heaven from the OpaGhost podcast. And you’re listening to Mondo Frico. Toodles. Thank you. OpaGhost is actually in my neck of the woods. They’re here in the Midwest. So they tell all kinds of good stories over there. But, Frank, people can find you at the Overnightscape. You’ve been doing this for a really long time. Obviously, you are. I think is that for the Overnightscape Underground? I think it is. Well, Onsug.com. I don’t know if I have Onsug on any of those services, but Onsug is the name of the network. Yeah. I’ve been rather lax in recent years. Maybe I do. I have to double check. I set all this stuff up 20 years. I set everything up 20 years ago. I can’t even remember what I did.
      awesome.com yeah that that’s with all the all the other yes all the other shows all the other the network and everything yeah so it’s uh and then of course, your show is the overnightscape yes uh and and it’s had other names over time, but that’s the main one now going into the future, correct? Absolutely. And we’re very about much about the future. We have uh just surpassed 16 000 hours in audio on our network, and we want to preserve it all into the far future. There you go. And you can catch The Overnightscape on all your podcast platforms. It’s been there. It’s been around for so long. You’re probably like me in the sense that I end up discovering where the show is available rather than people ever asking to host the, to be on the service or whatever. You just find it. I’ve seen it all over. Yeah, I’ve seen it all over the place over the years. Yeah.
      Well, thank you, Frank, for being my guest today and talking about the Jersey Devil and a whole lot more. I’m going to play some music out. You sit tight. Don’t go anywhere for just a minute for me. And everybody else, we’ll see you next time. Bye-bye.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Butthole. What’s my butthole? What’s your butthole? Oh my gosh. What are you talking about? I mean my button. My button. Not the buttons. Not the… Oh my gosh. Hold on a sec. I did a… I did a restart of… My balls. Balls. of my computer, and now everything’s messed up, so I have to reset everything. Yeah. Okay. All right. So you got to give me a second. Bobby’s an old man. I said give me a moment. Hey, Bob, why did the sperm cross the road? Did you get to the other side? No, because Bob put on the wrong pair of socks again. What are you talking about? Okay, now it’s working. It’s working. Now it’s working. Yeah, that’s lame. No, I heard it. I thought it was fine.
Oh. prepare to be triggered hey everyone this is miles prepare is that your uh new merchandise my prepare to be triggered shirt yeah that’s our new 2026 phrase here on static so prepare to be triggered. Yeah, okay. I’ll go with it sure i don’t know I thought of it just now. Sorry, I did an update on this computer and it knocked everything out of whack, so I had to keep fixing everything tonight. Sounds weird. I’m sorry. Whatever. Oh, my goodness. Are you okay over there? Are you drinking something? What are you doing? I’m drinking the plastic particles in this bottle here. That’s something I’m glad you mentioned that. Get it out. Come on, stuttering Sam. Get it out. Never have we heard of microplastics until now, right? Yeah.
It’s like microplastics didn’t exist and then now they exist all of a sudden. Everything’s got microplastics in it. Microplastic, microplastic, microplastic. It’s like they’ve been there the whole time if they’ve been there. Yeah. Now everybody’s like all microplastic. Oh, drinking a bottle of water has got microplastics in it. It’s like kids being allergic to nuts. I never heard that. Never heard that. It’s not an epidemic. I’m like, what the hell? I never witnessed a child dying from eating peanuts. I mean, I’m sorry if your child has that. I’m sorry, but I’m just saying I’ve never heard that as a kid. And I was like, geez. Yeah, I think we just invent these things to keep everybody in line, on edge. Although there were some kids that disappeared now that I think about it growing up. Anyway. Because you lived in Gacy’s neighborhood.
close to it. There are a lot of kids disappeared mm-hmm oh my good well anyway let’s change the micro plastic thing kind of set me up because all right. Yeah. I’m sorry. what you see triggered triggered say so something happened this weekend that I thought I would never witness Oh, boy. That’s so many. Wow. I don’t even know how to begin. My wife, she’s talking to me. She’s like, hey, I heard about this new pizza place. We should go. I’m like, yeah, we should go. I love pizza. We talked about it for weeks, I think. I can’t remember now, but Anyway, she’s like, well, we’re going to go on Saturday. I’m like, great. We’ll go on Saturday. Fantastic. I love it. So we get there. Yeah, we get there, and it’s kind of a sports bar slash pizza place slash everything kind of place. Nudie bar. Nudie bar. Yeah. It’s got everything. Slot machines. Darts. Darts. Axe throwing.
Oh, that’d be awesome. No, it didn’t have all that. Anyway, so we get a seat and we’re close to the bar, the regular bar there. They had seating kind of in another area, but it was like windows, right? And it’s really cold here now. Oh, yeah. We didn’t want to be by the windows. And so we’re sitting there and these… guys show up and they’re standing at the bar, which is not that far away, right? So it was like, we’re right in the table area, but close to the bar. And I couldn’t believe it, but somebody was at the bar cussing so much that it upset my wife. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is made up. This is a made up story. This is a
fake story. I can no it’s not it’s true i it’s why i couldn’t believe it. Your wife talks so dirty. So dirty. Yeah. And the funny thing was, I think the last time i saw her, I think she said, suck my dick. You know i mean she’s like she’s dirty very dirty so uh we’re sitting there and she’s, you know, these guys are fucking fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck You know, it was like talking to Clark and Green Hat. What was his name? Neon Green Hat guy. Oh, O’Connor. Yeah. O’Connor. Yeah. O’Connor. Crazy guys. Yeah. And so there’s constantly and my wife is like, you know, making these faces like, oh, my gosh, you know, I’m like, I’m like, what? You know, I’m like, this is like
dinner table talk i’m hearing over here, right? Didn’t your wife curse out a bunch of tourists over in france or something? Didn’t she kind of like Yeah, we were in Switzerland. You dumb bastards. Get out of the way my way. Oh, you’re right. We were at versailles and then we were also in Switzerland. I can’t see the Matterhorn. God damn it. That’s right. Your wife says god damn it a lot yeah yeah so yeah so i was like, really? You know? I couldn’t believe it. I was laughing and she was getting aggravated with me because I was thinking, this is so out of the realm, right? I really wish we didn’t sit so close to the bar. Those guys were being rude. I’m like, you didn’t sound any different than you.
You’re right. Yeah, you’re right. I think you have not witnessed this. I was going to call you a liar, but you might be right. But the whole time we were eating, it was funny. And then we’re eating, and she keeps looking over at him and kind of giving him kind of a dirty look. And I’m like, what prude is this that I’m having dinner with, is what I was thinking. Is it all religious or something? No, not at all. She still curses like crazy. Yeah. but I guess it was bothering her because she goes, and so then when we’re, we left and I’m like, you know, I can’t believe you got so upset with these people cursing at the bar, you know, these are your people. Yeah. You’re related to these people, obviously. And she’s like, no, it wasn’t just the cursing. They were so goddamn loud. They’re just fucking so loud. Yeah.
Wait, was it the cursing or the volume then? It was the volume. Oh, okay. So everyone could hear F this, F you. It’s like there were kids there. I wouldn’t cuss in front of all those children. Oh, come on. It was so goddamn loud. I couldn’t. I’m like, oh, okay. I was misinterpreting. I thought it was just the cursing. She’s like, a little bit. i call bullshit. I call bullshit on this one. Like they were yelling, they’re drunk and yelling. And she’s like, and what fucking pisses me off even more as they left when we did, I wish i would have fucking left a half an hour before. Oh God. Nice. Yeah. I was like, anyway, I was just like wow really well we haven’t uh we haven’t had that experience in a while. Yeah. Right. honey
Ever, as a matter of fact. Would you get all Karen’d up for there for a minute? I didn’t know what was going on. See, triggered. Triggered. See, I called it. The Nostradamus called it. Are your teams still in the running for the Super Bowl? Oh, I mean, I’m sad that my team lost, but by the way, changing gears here, yes, the two top teams are still in it. Yeah. seahawks is one, right? Yeah, and Broncos. I said those two would go oh yeah i think i said the uh denver wins i think i had to look it up. I don’t know i think so. So, in that in that sense i’m kind of glad i lost, but in a way, I’m sad, too. Yeah, I know. I just found out that the bears lost at dinner tonight because we were talking about it so oh okay yeah i didn’t know. I had no idea. I was informed.
I was actually asking about the pizza deals. I’m like, when is this Super Bowl happening? Because there’s all these good pizza deals that maybe I can get on. We better get a fucking good pizza deal. That’s all I can fucking think. But to finish up real quick, the guys annoyed her and then the pizza wasn’t that great. So she heard it was really good and then it turned out to be just, it was okay. It wasn’t great. Hey, welcome to Five Fucking Guys Pizza. Exactly. So she was a little disappointed with the food as well. I thought it was fine. She’s like, yeah, but it wasn’t. She’s like, I hate going out to eat when it’s just fine. I want to go out to eat and get something great. Oh, okay. Yeah, and I go, well, sorry, hon. Most poopy pants. Most poopy pants. Well, we have certain places that we go, Miles, that are very consistent and very good.
Yes, your Russian tea room that you love where you check out the male waiters. Yes, you like going there. Didn’t you have a story once you went somewhere like, I was admiring the pretty waiter we had. I’m sure that I said that at some point. Yes. I don’t think we go there that often. Wasn’t it some Russian place or some weird ethnic thing or something? Could have been. i don’t recall off top of my head. The Serbian restaurant you love going to or something? I don’t know serbs love the Serbs. You love this sir you love everybody. You don’t care. I know. That’s true. You’re cursing people. You love them i well i wasn’t i wasn’t overly thrilled by it either, but i didn’t, you know, I’m like, whatever. Yeah. If you’re gonna go to a pizza bar, what are you gonna get you know yeah
guess. So I’m triggered. Triggered. What’s going on with you? Boy, now you say that, I was just remembering back something that just happened to me. Do I go with the restaurant story? Is this going to be about the male waiters? Yeah. Apparently, yeah. No, I don’t know. He had the biggest bulge and his pants were so tight I’m going to give you a gentleman’s choice here. We’re going to go with either bald eagle day slash eating at a restaurant or yet another story about my wife. Well, let’s go with the bald eagle. Let’s leave your wife alone for a week. Yeah, she is listening, so I might wait until she’s out of the room for this one. Yeah, bald eagle at the restaurant.
so bald Eagles, did you? because this is the time. Well, it is. Yes. All along the Mississippi. It’s a hot area. If you’re not from this area, bald eagles come in and it’s a great time to see them. And, uh, my son, my youngest son, who’s an adult, but he’s like, Hey, there’s a thing going on. We should go to it. And, you know, it’s a little bit of a car ride, but i’m like, okay, well, it’s no big deal. I love a car ride. And it sounded familiar. I’m like, you know, I think we’ve been to this before, but I’m like, you know, it’s been quite a while. You guys were little kids, but. Oh yeah. Yeah. You’ve gone more than once to see the Eagles. Yeah. But I mean, this is what I, this was not outside. This is an inside deal. Oh really? Okay. And so, okay. So the first half of the story real quickly is, so we go to the very cold out, very cold out. It’s like two weeks ago. And, uh,
once we get there, cause it was like, you had to pay to get in. I thought it was free. I’m like, Oh, it was like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Yeah. No, I didn’t, I didn’t have the balls. I’m not that guy. I’m a guy that did this about it later, but I’m like, Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. And, uh, I’m like, Oh, wait a minute. I go, I remember why we didn’t go to this because this, this basically sucks. Yeah. It’s like a big trade show. Oh, okay. With a little bit of like wild stuff. Yeah. Yeah. Basically with a little bit of wild animals thrown in. Yeah. Right. Okay. And, uh, I saw, wait a minute. Oh, this is the, you know, everything’s sky high, you know, like buy a dog, buy a dog treat for $13 or something like now. Yeah. Yeah. I’m like, we’re walking around, we see some eagles and stuff like that. And, uh, which is fine.
And, uh, to get to the point of the story, I suppose is there’s a gentleman dressed up in, I would say not authentic, but, uh, ceremonial, uh, native American dress. Oh yeah. That’s nice. And, uh, this gentleman’s walking around very, you know, like, wow, that’s pretty cool. You know, uh, he comes up, I don’t know why he stops me. You know, I want to get your picture taken buddy. And no, no, no, no. I wasn’t even like that, but I think I was wearing like a football shirt and he was asking me about the playoffs. You’re pretty fat to play football. Did you play when you were young and skinny? Uh, well, yeah, I did a little bit on Atari. Yeah. I played, I played the Mattel handheld football. I know. And, uh, so like he knew about football and he didn’t, you know, I was like, oh, it’s the playoffs now. Right. I’m like, yeah, yeah.
Yep. Pretty much. Yep. Oh, well, who’s all in it? Like, well, there’s several teams. Oh, okay. Well, uh, uh, my team got knocked out. Yeah. I’m like, oh, he goes, knew who that is. Right. I go, no. Who? He goes, the chiefs. Uh, yeah. I, I felt bad at that point. I wanted to apologize. I go, I’m sorry. We stole your land. I’m sorry. I felt so, you know, cause everyone, you know, I’m trying to be very PC. I did not want to make a joke or laugh, but I just thought it was a little funny inside. I did laugh a little inside, but. Was he, was he actually native American person? Yes. Okay. So he, he would, he obviously identified and. Yeah. Looked native American. Yeah.
you know, like, you know, people that look like your brother that show up and say, oh yeah, I’m like, you know, one 32nd, you know, whatever, which I guess counts. I don’t, I don’t know how that works. So I’m not trying to be raised on the, if you’re not in the book, then it don’t count. Yeah. And records, you know, that’s, that’s, there’s a whole thing with the native Americans keeping records. So, yeah. The weird part was like a few days after that, I was thinking about, I go, son of a bitch. I met that guy before I’ve met. Cause I had my picture with this guy. I’m like, son of a bitch. I knew you’d have your picture with him. I did. No. Cause I saw him many years ago at another thing that was going on. I go, son, I go, I know his name. Oh yeah. I know this guy. I remember his name. Cause his name didn’t seem to fit, you know, like, oh, okay. You know, like Jethro or something. It’s like, oh, okay. Like, or something, you know what I mean? It was like, oh,
But, you know, it was like a, I don’t know if it’s not really a Mandela effect or anything. It was some weird Poland effect or something. Like, I’ve met you before, but I didn’t. The Lech Walesa effect is what you’re saying. Yes. Right. I go, God damn it. I met that guy before. Why didn’t I? Man, it didn’t even click in my head. I’m like, that guy. Yeah. That guy. So that guy, I’m glad I saw you again. I hope I see you again. I think he travels with, you know, these shows as they go on. Right. And then, so on the way back, part two of the story real quickly, we stop at a restaurant and more than anything else, I hate giggling teenage girls. I don’t know why. I’ve mentioned this before. Are you from Cape Girardeau? Oh my God. We’re like two seats away and everything is so fucking funny. Oh my God. You got a knife and a spoon too? Wow.
It’s like the fucking Joker. Yeah, all right. Maybe they had that condition in the Joker movie. I just want to know what is so goddamn funny. I know I’ve talked about this before, but what is so freaking funny? Like, oh, you’re going to eat a taco too? I don’t know. You’re probably laughing at some other. You’re like, I met that guy, that Indian guy before. oh my God. So they finally leave. Right. So, uh, next to us is a table full of older women, right? Various ages. You, you walk by. Check out the man candy. And, uh, And so I’m trying not to listen, but you can’t miss it. You know, all their stupid jokes, you know, the waitress is like, can I get you anything else? You know, well, yeah, you can come home and help me with my, put away my groceries. You know, all these stupid, you’re like, oh, okay. Put away my groceries. I’m like, fuck, I don’t, you know. You know, all these stupid jokes that old people make. I’m like, okay, all right.
Did it set you off or what? It did set me off. They think they’re comedians. Apple Merman comedians. I don’t know what they’re talking about. I don’t know what they’re talking about. Who’s that lady? I’m the big mouth. What was her name? Martha Ray. I was like, oh, fuck. If I’ve got to listen to half an hour of this shit, Jesus Christ. Did you have a good meal at all, or no? I don’t know. I was trying to eat, and they’re trying to divvy up their check, and they don’t know how to do it, and all this shit. I’m like, oh, fuck. Everybody put in a 20. The poor waitress is getting yelled at by the manager, like, hey, hey, you got tables, Marcy. You better get over here, quick. Fucking around with them old broads. He’s trying to yank her away. These old broads, they’re telling stories. I remember Malufa. I used to be a waitress. I used to be a hooker.
So anyway, they’re talking a little bit about music. Oh, I like Air Supply or something. I don’t know what the fuck they were talking about. I’m all out of love. Oh, I don’t know. Oh, no. I like the Beach Boys. They make me feel warm and fuzzy. And so anyway, there’s music. Restaurants have music. They do? okay simple well some do. Some do. I’m just saying. I go to expensive restaurants but uh so simple minds comes on right and i’m kind of jamming to it, you know, popping the fingers yeah i was like, oh, I was like jamming to it. Next thing i know, I hate 80s music yeah Instantly, instantly, I’m wishing death on this woman. I’m like, oh, I hate you. How can they be that much older than you, for Christ’s sake? I don’t know. They look old, man. Yeah, it was the Graber graders. I don’t know what they were, but… Oh, I hate talking heads, too. I hate all that. I hate it all. All right. I know. I’m like, is there a way I could accidentally trip and, like, spill water into her face or something? Like, God, you just…
You can eat all the soup. You can each get a soup. Once we left, I was being released from prison between the laughing teenage girls and some idiotic retiring… I think you just hate women. I think that’s what it’s going to do. It could have been at that restaurant I did. You’re right. It was not a taco party. See, I got triggered. See? Triggered. I got triggered. oh my goodness. So, anyway. you’re gonna be okay? Uh, yeah, you know, when people just put down stuff i like, you know like okay don’t say anything don’t handle it can you handle it the pesh mode sucks. Enjoy the silence. All I’ve ever wanted, all I’ve ever needed is here in my arms. Old women are very unnecessary.

045 – Lucerne, Maui, & So Much More, With Podcast Legend, Bob LeMent. – Travel Stories

Where Have You Been? – Travel Stories

This Week

In this episode of LeMent Tonight, host Bob welcomes Leanne Linsky, the founder and CEO of Plauzzable.com, a virtual comedy platform designed to provide comedians with a global stage and a simplified infrastructure for their business. During the interview, Linsky shares her background in comedy and her extensive history of volunteerism, which includes hosting TV shows for children at Kravis Children’s Hospital and running improv workshops for various non-profits. She reflects on the “good comedy karma” that comes from giving back and explains how Plauzzable aims to foster community and help independent creators succeed.

The conversation also highlights a major upcoming update for Plausible, featuring a redesign that incorporates an event directory for both online and in-person comedy shows, improved comedian profiles, and a more equitable revenue model. To keep things light, Bob and Leanne play a trivia game called “Most Plausible,” where Leanne successfully identifies clues about the late Richard Lewis. They wrap up with a round of “Ask Not,” where Leanne offers hilariously disastrous dinner party advice involving costume-clad bosses, finger foods without utensils, and second-hand party favors.

Plauzzable.com

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, everybody, it’s LeMent Tonight. My guest tonight is Leanne Linsky. Leanne, how are you doing tonight? Hey, I am great. Thanks so much for having me on. I love that chair. Possibly because I have one just like it. Really? I got this chair to look younger. Oh, really? Yeah, it’s a gamer chair. I’m trying to look younger. I have that exact same chair with the headrest. Actually, before we started recording here, I was sitting back. I leaned back. and was swiveling around and made a really weird noise, and I thought, uh-oh, I’m going to have to go find another chair. But I just bumped into some instructions for a printer that I had sitting out over here. So, but Leanne Linsky, the, what do you call yourself, CEO, Chieftain, Grand Poobah of Plausible? Yes, the one and only. That would be me. That would be, well, and you’re here tonight, and so,
Why don’t you tell us, give us a little jokesters, a few jokes, these jokes here, and then we’ll talk some more. How’s that? Sure. Well, yeah, I mean, I will tell you. So, hey, everybody. People often ask, like, where am I from? All that. I’m originally from Waukegan, Illinois, and then I lived in Vegas for 16 years. And normally when I tell people that, they’re like, oh, my were you doing in Vegas? I’m like, oh my God, what do you mean? Besides all the drinking, gambling and prostituting myself. Okay. So I didn’t drink that much. And then I lived in New York for almost nine years. And when people hear that, they’re like, oh my God, Leanne, what’d you do in New York? So I just ignore them and keep walking. Then I moved to Long Beach, California and no one gave a crap. So
Here I am now in Seattle. Yes, crickets. Exactly. I’m in Seattle, Washington now. Living life online. Yep. Because we moved here right at the end of the pandemic and things still weren’t opened up. So I don’t leave my house. And now when I do, I have to say it’s fun, but it’s also awkward because I keep forgetting to unmute myself. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so I don’t want to dazzle you with the rest of my brilliance quite this early in the show. That wasn’t a joke. That was just truth, everybody. Just truth. All right, Leanne, thank you very much. I was using the patented plausible reactions here. I appreciate that. I was also enjoying the swivel. Oh, yeah. I was trying out the swiveled a little bit. Yeah.
It’s good. It works. Yeah. So what’s been happening in your world? Apparently you don’t leave the house. So I’m hoping that it’s not all just DoorDash and streaming services, but maybe it is. No, we do go to the grocery store regularly. We do. We do doctor’s appointments, grocery store. I don’t want to tell you the highlight of my week, but it’s going to the grocery store. It is. It is navigating the parking lot at Trader Joe’s. I also do volunteer service. So I volunteer for a couple of organizations locally. Oh, really? Like, what do you do for that? What are you doing? Like cleaning people’s beards or what are you doing? Beards? No, I gave that up a while back. I actually volunteer at two thrift stores. One supports American Cancer Society and the other one supports a senior center. So.
Yeah, and I volunteer once a week at each of those places and put new merchandise out and do the window displays and things like that. It’s a blast. I love it. I had a terrible thought when you said that. I can’t help but mention it. Maybe one of the services, like help people with dementia, basically just take stuff out of their closet and have them come in and pick it up at the store and then we take it back out of the closet. which is hilarious because that’s just what I do. It’s horrible. It’s a horrible thought. You’re basically just getting them out of their, you know, apartment or whatever. Yeah. It’s like a cyclical thing. Oh, it is. You’re so nice. I mean, you do, well, I would never do volunteer work. I’m not a volunteer. Well, yeah, maybe no. So when I lived in New York, I got into doing a lot of volunteer service because in New York, um,
I volunteered at Kravis Children’s Hospital at Mount Sinai. And they had a TV studio in the hospital, in the children’s hospital. And it was run by a nonprofit. And I would go in there and host TV shows for all the children in the children’s hospital. And they could watch up in their rooms. And we’d run game shows. And the kids could call in from their room phones. And then we’d do trivia games and all kinds of things where they could participate. by calling in and then after the shows were over, I’d go to the prize closet and I’d pick out prizes and go walk up there and say hello to everybody who participated during the half hour show. So that was really cool. And I also volunteered for an improv, a nonprofit that offered improv workshops and shows to other nonprofit organizations in New York area. So like Big Brothers Big Sisters,
Or hospice, Ronald McDonald home, Ronald McDonald house, different hospitals, senior centers, you name it. If they needed people to come in and cheer people up and brighten things up, we would go in and do a workshop or show on a regular basis. Yeah, it was amazing. It was amazing. Yeah. That’s interesting. So how many other TV shows were there on this thing? Oh, so those two are separate. So the one- Oh, those two are separate. Yeah, so the one we did improv classes and shows for, and that was all in person where we would go and do these things at the hospital or at the hospice or at Ronald McDonald House or different venues where they would need us. And then the Kravis Children’s Hospital, that was separate. I actually met them because the improv group, we would do a TV show like once a month there, I think it was.
And maybe weekly. I can’t remember now. And then I got to know the producer and I was like, I’d like to do more of this if possible. And so I would go in a couple of times a week, sometimes three times a week and do, do shows, but they would do shows every day. Oh, really? Several times throughout the day for the kids. Yeah. Yeah. It was really cool. It was also very sad because not all kids were there short term. Some were there very long term and were, were, chronically ill or terminally ill, but it was, it was one of the really, it was a wonderful service that they offered so that kids didn’t feel so isolated and alone. How’d you get to be so nice doing all this? I mean, most, most comics are cynical and, you know, hate the world. And I know, well, you’re right. This is true. Right. And,
I would say that I am that person a lot of time. Like I can be that person if I want to, but since what I really started realizing is like in comedy, especially when we’re starting out and, and I, we probably do more of it when we’re starting out, but I think that no matter where we are in our comedy journey, we’re always, we’re always doing something for free or for a cause or for, ourselves like working out jokes we go to open mics we’re not paid to do that that’s just part of the process and yet there might be audiences at these open mics or you know you might get a spot in a show that just so you can go warm up to do another show those kind of things and you’re not paid for it people do it all the time celebrities do it right so but i think with comedy they were just bored right maybe uh maybe uh but i think there’s there’s an element of
It’s a gift because I get to do what I love, but I get to share it with other people who enjoy it or maybe not. But it depends on the set, you know, or the night. But but yeah, I think it’s enjoyable or torture. Yeah, I think it’s good comedy karma. But I don’t you know, just why not? Why not share it with people who can’t get to a good. That’s a good thought. I mean, that’s very positive thinking there. Yeah. And I mean, that’s part of what I do with plausible, right? Is give back to the community. I mean, why not? I want other people to succeed. How can we bring more people in and give people a place and a stage? And that’s a lot with plausible is if I’m having this problem, maybe other people are having this problem too. How can we bridge that gap? How can we help others as we help ourselves? Wow. Listen to all this.
Right? Who knew? I’m thinking you should open up the phones for donations. Yes, please do. Operators are standing by. Right. And even Jerry Lewis is going to pop up. That’s right. Let’s go look at the top board. Good to Brian in his sound-canceling headphones. Yeah, that’s right. Is he watching kickboxing? No. He’s watching the phones ring off the phone right now. That’s what he’s supposed to be doing. That’s so nice. And we’ve talked about this before, but I’m going to feign that I don’t know. So when did Plausible start? So officially, so the idea of it started way back in about end of 2014, 2015. That’s when I had the general idea. Cause I was moving from New York to California and I was like, Oh, I’m going to miss everybody in New York. Wouldn’t it be cool if we do something on Skype? And then people were like Skype. I was like, well, there’s this other thing, zoom. And then I was like, what? I was like, okay. Then life happened. And then I started producing shows in California and then I was doing podcasting that, but I still had this idea rolling around. So fast forward, uh,
I finally, I go back to school. I figure out like how to set up my, my business and put this together and build a team. And we launched plausible on the internet in 2021, no, 2022, December of 2022. And the thing is, as I started testing the idea in August of 2019 BC before COVID, and I started doing things online using my like WordPress website and zoom and a scheduling and all these things and cobbled them all together. And people were like, whoa, online, this is cool. And then the pandemic happened. Everybody’s online. I’m like, great. Because now everybody’s like, because some people that I didn’t know were like, why would I do that online? You’re crazy. And then the pandemic and they’re like, okay, let’s all be crazy together. And so in 2022, in December, we launched Plausible Online, like our own thing. So instead of having
to cobble together all of the other types of technologies. We just made one platform that offers the whole infrastructure for comedy. So that’s how we got here. Look at that. Yeah. It’s a virtual comedy club for you to do your comedy business. Or perhaps maybe some, you know, volunteerism. To volunteer your comedy to maybe shut-ins or something. Well, actually, a few comedians hosted fundraisers on here for their favorite nonprofit. So what they did is, separately, a couple comedians on their own had partnered with a favorite charity. And then they created the event online. And all the money that they raised through their ticket sales, they donated to that. non-profit yeah which those were some of our bigger shows. Like those were really people, people want to laugh, but they also want to laugh for a purpose and, and give back. Laugh for the rainforest. We’re going to have that on right yes lament for the rainforest that’s right i couldn’t well hold on there. Uh, just a second, Leanne. I’m going to,
I’m going to try something that I’ve never tried before and we’re going to see what happens. Perhaps if I can find it here, there we go. Okay, here we go. And let’s see. Can you see this? Yes. Are you tired of the same old boring nights and sick of dealing with crowded clubs to drink minimums and that long drive home? Well, get ready for a comedy revolution. Meet Leanne Linsky. She’s a hilarious stand-up comedian who decided to trade the traditional stage for a startup. All to bring the laughter directly to you. She created Plausible Compa Live, online comedy platform that’s changing the game. With Plausible, comedians get a global virtual stage, easy ticketing, and get to see your real-time reactions. And you. You get a front row seat to an incredible pool of talent from all over the world. No commute, no hidden fees. Just pure live laughter delivered right to your screen. The future of funny is officially here. It’s time to join the revolution. You can laugh out loud from the comfort of your home and support amazing independent creators. Go find your next favorite comic. It’s plausible. Thanks for watching.
don’t forget to check out Plausible.com. And if you enjoyed this, please like, subscribe, and hit that notification bell for more notification bell i love it that is incredible wow i need a new notification bell. I thought several times she had ended and i was like And then she started again. I’m like, oh, she psyched me out. I love that video. That’s what happens when you have AI do things. They think they’re done, and then they just keep going. She’s like, wait, I’ve got to add something. Oh, that’s amazing. I’m actually making a new video for our homepage because we’re launching a major update in the next day. Yes. You heard it here tonight, folks. A major scoop. Drop in the info right here on Lamentanite.
you’re here first because this is a major update to Plausible. It actually is. It’s a big update the biggest the biggest it is the biggest it’s the biggest update you will tomorrow so if you look around, poke around on plausible tonight, check it out. And then come back another day. Come back another day. And then come back another day. Come back. And leave. In the very near future. Uh, we’ll be launching, um, uh, we’re planning in the probably next 24 hours to launch a site update. And we’ve, you know, we launched what three years ago, we just celebrated our three year anniversary and we have been, um, so excited and, and happy with how the community has grown over this time. And all the people who just keep coming back and like yourself and hosting these
really cool shows and getting really creative and people are networking across the country, but also around the world. I mean, we get people from other countries all the time showing up and it’s lovely. And we’ve been listening and watching how people use Plausible, what they really, really like, what they wanna see, like that would also help them or other tools or features, or maybe how we can reorganize things and just make it easier to navigate. we’ve been paying attention to all those things. So this, uh, next site update is a, a nice redesign of simplifying what we offer with, um, uh, easier to read, uh, navigational tools. And then also we want to, we recognize like you, although everything i’m plausible is online, people still have to go out into the world and do in-person comedy. And although we were, people could,
post their in-person events in the past. We want to highlight those more so that people can show off their work. And so people will be able to come to Plausible now, and you’ll be able to see a whole event directory. So one will be for on Plausible, which is all online on Plausible, and the other is in person. And you’ll be able to sort by, so like in person, you can sort by country, city, state. You’ll be able to sort by event type. whether it’s a class, uh, sorry, whether it’s a open mic or a show, whether it’s paid or whether it’s free accessibility. So people are looking for disabled parking or wheelchair accessible bathrooms, things like that. It’ll have that information in there. Um, there’ll be a map. And then when you go to the on plausible and be able to look through that directory, you’ll be able to sort by event type paid or free. You’ll be able to see from.
You’ll be able to see a lot more. The Comedian Directory is getting a nice little level up on there. Yeah, so Comedian Profiles, they’ll be able to add some of their comedy reels. That’s like a new headshot. Yes, yes. You’ll want to update your bio. There’s a larger space for Comedian Bios so they can put in more about the work they’ve done. I can put my expertise in graffiti on the palm pile. Yes. Oh, my gosh. Please put that down as a special skill. Yeah. So there’s like all these really cool things and the dashboard will be easy and simple. I’m so excited about this. We have been working on this for a really long time and it started out as like, Hey, let’s just make these changes. And then the team, my team is awesome. I am so grateful because they put so much thought behind everything and, and take, you know, well, we want to, well, if this, then what does someone, you know, let’s make this, this way.
it’s just kind of grown. And so, so now it’s tomorrow. I’m hoping, you know, we’re working out a few last minute things and we’re aiming for sometime tomorrow. So you keep watch, check back often early. Yes. Yes. And if not tomorrow, Monday, but one of these two days tomorrow or Monday. So, but I don’t want to launch something and have it on stable. So, so we’re, we’re just, you know, we’re like, Oh, one more thing. One more thing. So I always say, I always tell people it’ll be tomorrow or Monday. Usually I say that on a Monday. So that’s the funny part. It’ll be a whole nother week. And the other thing too, is comedians will be able to earn more money. So what? Yes. Oh my gosh, Bob. Comedians will, it’s a simple, simple revenue model for comedians. It’s,
an 80, 20 split. So 80% goes to the 80% goes to you. No, the comedian. 99% goes, no, it’s an 80, 20 split. Okay. Yeah. And if comedians, especially newer comedians are like, I’m not sure what to charge for a ticket, they can enable a new pay what you want. So they can put in a minimum price of a dollar and then invite their friends. And if their friends want to pay $5, $15, the friends can put in the amount. They just have to pay a minimum of $1. You know, Jon Bon Jovi has a restaurant that does that. Did you know that? Yeah, that’s right. I don’t know. I saw an article about that. And look at how well it’s doing. He’s got some other bank roll going on, but no, it’s interesting. He does that as part of a charity thing as well. So that’s right. He does. Yeah. But that’s fun. That’s great.
So, yeah, so we’re just trying to make it better always. You know, it’s a work in process, just like a well-written joke, right? It takes time, goes through many iterations. It’s never finished, right? It’s like a painting. Yes. I agree. So, yeah, so I’m, like, super excited, if you can’t tell. Well, I can tell you somebody else is super excited. That’s Gary Lime and the Fleetons. They’re going to play us a little song, and we’ll be right back with a game. That’s enough of you, Gary. But it’s rock you like a hurricane. It is rock you like a hurricane. Scorpions. Oh, my goodness. So, yes, Gary, you’re going to get us in trouble. I had that album. Everybody had that album at that time. The controversial album, though. Yes. The album cover that was. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, rock you. Yeah, exactly. Wow. You got it. Yeah, that’s funny.
I had Eric Sizemore. He’s been in the comedy, you know, what do you call it? The contest. Anyway, he was a guest on Lament Tonight a few weeks ago. And he’s like, wait a minute. That’s aha. And I’m like, yeah, it is. Was it take on me? It is take on me. I had the 45. There’s a lost format right there. The 45. Right. Well, I actually have a 78. Oh, my. My mom. You’re giving. This is inheritance, folks. My parent, my mom’s family, when she was a kid, she came from a family of nine, nine kids. And they were my grandmother listened to the radio. They listened to the radio all the time. They won a contest and they got to bring the whole family and get on the radio. Oh, wow. And they cut him a record.
Yes. And they cut him a record of them on the radio it’s hilarious yeah that’s wild i i have a new game for you. Let’s see if i can, uh, I can bring this up here i’m gonna try new things tonight for everybody. Oh, I hit the wrong button. New things tonight for everybody. Here it is. Can you see that? Yes. Oh, okay. Most plausible. It’s a game called most plausible. Now I’ll tell I’ll just, that’s just a quick logo I threw together before we started tonight, but I have to switch over to the next, the next screen here to actually give you the thing. So it is a, uh, it’s a quiz show. I don’t know if you might not be able to see that. Let me make that bigger. Can you see it better now? Let me get my glasses on. Yeah. Maybe a little small. Oh, I can make you big on my screen. Okay.
So it is a quiz basically. And what I’m going to do is I’m going to have some questions for you and then you are going to, um, answer the question and we’ll see if you get it right or not. But basically the questions will lead you to the most plausible comedian that it possibly could be. Oh, I like this. So there’s five questions and they start out, uh, harder and i think get easier is the idea okay okay all right so our most plausible comedian is what we’re looking for. So first question here leanne so can we see you? Hold on. Let me put you back on the screen. Can you, how can i just get you on there in me go to my here we go yeah there you go. Can you still see what i’m sharing? Okay.
So here we go. First question. Most plausible comedian is who you’re trying to figure out from these quiz questions. In his 1979 acting debut, this mystery comedian starred in a satirical TV movie titled Diary of a Young Comic. Which future superstar co-starred with him in that film, do you think? Steve Martin, Billy Crystal, Chevy Chase, or Robin Williams? I’ll give you a hint if you want it. Ah. Or if you think you know, then just tell me and I’ll click on it and we’ll see if you got it right or not. Was it Billy Crystal? Correct! These two legends were close friends in the New York City comedy scene and shared the screen in this early project. That’s great. You got one right. Woohoo!
Number two, question number two. This comedian claimed to have invented a specific linguistic formula used to describe bad experiences. What is the missing part of his famous phrase? The blank from hell. Is it blank? Is it situation? Is it ex-wife or comedian? You can also take a hint. I would say ex-wife. It was the blank. You can’t use this Mad Libs style phrase to describe everything. The date from hell. The dentist from hell. Sorry. That was a bit tricky. So you’re one and one. We’re going to go to the next question, Leanne. I was thinking of Johnny Carson. I don’t know why. Ed, quit drinking. I’m trying to do a show. From 1989 to 1992, he starred in a romantic sitcom titled Anything But Love. Who was his co-star, famous for her role in the Halloween franchise? Was it Jamie Lee Curtis, Neve Campbell, Sigourney Weaver, or Janet Leigh? Wait, wait. Say the beginning of the question. Who is he? He’s the most plausible. What was the question?
So from 1989 to 1992, this most plausible comedian starred in a romantic sitcom titled Anything But Love. Who was his co-star? Famous for her role in the Halloween franchise. Was it Jamie Lee Curtis, Neve Campbell, Sigourney Weaver, or Janet Leigh? Oh, no. I’ll give you a hint. She is the daughter of Tony Curtis. What? And became a scream queen before the sitcom. Was it Jamie Lee Curtis? It was Jamie Lee Curtis, yes. Yeah, that’s kind of a give me hint there, wasn’t it? Yes. You have any idea yet who the most plausible comedian could be yet? No? Oh, because they’re all related, all these questions. All these related to one person. Was it Johnny Carson? Is that what I had been talking about earlier? No, no, no, no. All right, let’s go to question number four. I just thought I’d ask. We’re more than halfway through. This comedian was legendary for his frequent late-night appearances. On which host show did he appear over 40 times, often leaning on the desk in mock despair?
Johnny Carson’s show. Obviously, it’s a night show. Oh, I’m trying. Colonel O’Brien, late night. What? Okay, yeah. Jay Leno’s version of this night show or David Letterman as in late night with David Letterman. And he kept showing up and. He did 40 appearances and he would lean on the desk and mock despair. You want the hint? Yeah. The host is known for his top 10 list and his gap tooth grin. Oh, David Letterman. David Letterman. Yeah. That’s right. Wow. Fantastic. Still don’t know who it is yet, huh? No. All right. This may give it away. Yeah. All right. This comedian, in his later years, he played a fictionalized, highly neurotic version of himself. On which HBO show did he constantly bicker with his real-life best friend, Larry David?
Was it on Entourage, Larry Sanders Show, Seinfeld, or Curb Your Enthusiasm? Curb Your Enthusiasm. Of course it’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. Do you know who it is now? No. No. I was an extra on Curb Your Enthusiasm once. Oh, my gosh. You don’t know who it was? No, I don’t know why I’m getting confused. All right. Do you want me to reveal here? yeah mr richard lewis oh man i was that’s who our most plausible comedian was. There you go. I failed. I failed. Oh, you got to most of them right. Let me see here. You got four out of five, correct? That was fun oh yeah i got more of them right than i Yeah, well, you took a couple of hints, but we’re not going to ding you for points on the hints. But you did take a couple of hints, so that’s okay, though. That was a good game. Well, you played very valiantly. Oh, thank you. I’m surprised you didn’t get who it was. You and me both. No pressure, Leigh-Anne, no pressure.
But Gary’s going to give us a little taste of something here. Bob, you are a great asshole. I know, Gary. Thank you, Gary. Thank you very much. That was really nice. Gary really, they’ve got some good, uh, fast fingers. I don’t know. Eddie Van Halen’s got nothing on Gary. I love the devil. So from the Scorpions, it’s eclectic. Eclectic is one thing you can say about the fleet zones. That’s for sure. I love the fleet tones. So we have a couple of – one more quick game we can play here. Let me share my screen again. I’m really liking this share my screen thing here. So can you see that? Yes. Okay. So this is – you won’t be able to read it. I’m going to read about it out here. You can read it. So I made little graphics for each one of the games. So this is World Gone Wrong. All right.
And this is, which one is this one now? I’m losing my place as I just said, oh yeah, we’ve made these games and now I’ve lost my place. What is this one? This is what a story. This is where you’ll tell it. We’ll go wrong as we talk about world events that is just so crazy that they’re terrible, which I don’t think we want to go there. This tonight. And then what a story is where I will give you a premise and then you’re going to tell me a story. about it. Totally made up on the spot, right? Yeah. And this one’s called mind Guck, which is a fantastic name that i love, but everybody else probably doesn’t love it because it sounds terrible right mind guck uh and that’s where i come up with a crazy piece of trivia that uh they know and try to uh you give me examples, so you just make something up, so.
You just have to make up a crazy piece of trivia and try to sell it, right? So you want us to believe your trivia. And then this one is you are the expert. And so then I will tell you an area that you have expertise in and we’re going to have a little conversation and you have to convince me that you’re an expert. Oh, I like that one. I’ll do that one. You want to do that one? Oh, yeah. You want me to continue? I got two more. Oh, okay. What are the other ones? That was just really good. Okay. word spew. And that’s where I give you an identity. So I’ll say you are a Benedictine monk and you have to Google it. I’ll do random words and then you’ll have to, you’ll have to, you know, kind of word association kind of game. And then the last one is ask not. I’ll pose a question and you need me to give me the worst advice possible in that area. Oh, I like that one too.
Okay. Yeah. I’ll give you the choice. You like Ask Not or the other one I think was, was it MindGuck or was it You Are the Expert? I can’t remember. I liked Being the Expert. Okay. Well, which one would you like? Ask Not or You Are the Expert? I liked Giving Advice. Either one I think I’d excel at. Well, since we’re on Ask Not, we’re going to do that one. And remember, I’m going to pose a question to you and then you need to give me the worst advice possible for that question. All right. Done. Now, give me just a second here. I got to fire up the old question machine. Right. Talk amongst yourselves. These are great games. I like these games. Did you come up with all these games? Well, obviously they’re derivative. Oh, yeah. But yes, I did. They’re awesome. I want to come back every month and play different games. People will be like, I’m not watching her again. That’s enough. She didn’t even do a lot of comedy. Okay.
So remember, this is ask not. This is the worst advice you can give somebody, right? I’m going to have a dinner party for my boss and his significant other. What should be my menu and how should I present this? A dinner party for my boss and his significant other. And you’re going to lay out the… advice on how I should handle this, you know, kind of give me the knife. The first thing popping in my mind is hookers and Coke. cares how you present it? Well, if i think about my boss, that’s probably not the worst advice. That probably would give me a promotion. Um, and yes, I do work for donald Trump. No, I’m just kidding. Right. Yeah. Uh, we’re not even gonna go there. Yeah. I’ve got too many answers for you um yeah just change it to young woman. Okay. Um,
what was the, so stick with this one. Do you want me to elaborate? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I think hookers and blow is a very good answer, but I was hoping it’s not the worst. Okay. So I’m thinking, cause I was thinking mad men theme also with that should definitely be a costume party, but forget to tell all of the other guests. I think just, to show i would just be in a costume or? Just the boss would be tell the boss just in a costume tell the boss it’s a costume party and then because if it was me, it would be every night. I’m always in the costume really yeah constantly yeah and then and then i would definitely serve like all finger foods in bowls, but with no serving utensils. And I would do it during flu season.
Yeah, lots of pinwheel sandwiches uh lots of m&ms and trail mix, but no scoops like lots of that. Lots of that um not even a toothpick, huh? No, no, no. Just let it fall. Let the bread and crust fall as it you know, where it will, where it will it may yeah and also like, if we want to go on that theme of germs, then i would do a punch bowl and yeah you know um with that ladle. Yeah. In little solo cups, that kind of thing. I thought you were going to say serve it in a neti pot. Oh, those are the to-go bags those are like the little, um, What do you call it? Oh, yeah, the little favors. Party favors. Yes, party favors. Those go home. You are the Auntie Martha Stewart, I think. But I think open them and don’t give the neti pot in the box that it came packed in. Take it out, touch it, make sure it’s all… Make it like a magic trick and have everybody look at it and handle it? Yeah, and then throw in a few used tissue. Oh, actually…
I think it should be like a gift exchange should be happening. Everybody should bring like a flu and cold season gift. All right. But your boss, who thinks it’s a costume party. Who’s dressed as a harlequin. Yes, he’s dressed as a harlequin. And his wife is a sexy something. Like a scary vampire or whatever. They come with no gift. Ah, okay. And then they feel awkward, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So there’s, you know, someone is short a gift. Yeah, I think all of that should happen. And also, everybody has to take their shoes off. Invite people, nobody who knows each other well, and everybody has to take their shoes off at the door. That’s also a big thing. Always invite a lot of people and no one can wear shoes in your house. I think that is probably very bad advice. You know, like, because…
also make sure those shoes part make sure when you’re serving that your hair dips down into the food as you pick up empty cups off the table. Yeah, that’s a, yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Um, those would be some thoughts. Yeah. Those are, that’s where i’m going. Also don’t clean in advance. Why would you clean before a party? There’s so much cleanup to do after the party. Do it at once. Yeah. Yeah. Why bother? That’s when I pay somebody. Especially in the bathroom. What? Don’t put any toilet paper in there. Yeah, don’t put any toilet paper. Make sure you have a seven-layer dip on the menu. Oh, my goodness. Things with lots of mayo. That’s some bad advice there. I think you’re. I think you win that one here. Let’s see. We can give you a little. I mean, I was off to a shaky start with the hookers and blow, but I don’t know if that was shaky. They could come later. Here, we’ll give you we’ll give you some nice little ukulele music.
That’s fantastic. Well, Leanne, thank you very much for being my guest tonight on Lament Tonight. And everybody look forward to the changes on Plausible. Yes. And remember Richard Lewis. He’s been dead now for like a year or so. Two years now, I think. Maybe that’s why you didn’t remember him. I don’t remember anything anymore. Who am I? Why am I here? But he was the most plausible comedian for the night. And we will see you next time in about a month’s time. And I’ve gotten on things and I’ve got my next guest already. Who’s your next guest? Well, I don’t have it on the schedule yet because I’m waiting. But they’ve agreed to it and I still got to put it on the schedule. But it is a comedian. His name is Todd Van Allen out of Canada and his friend Darcy.
Yay! And so I’ve been on Todd’s show called Oshpod. Yes, I was on there. Yeah, I think, yeah, you were on there too, right? Mm-hmm. And he just had one of my favorite comedy magicians on his show. His name’s Piff the Magic Dragon out of Las Vegas. Ooh, very cool. Yeah. So Todd’s going to be on with Darcy in a month. I think it’s on February 12th, just in time to not be in Valentine’s Day. Just ahead of Valentine’s Day. Just in time to not have plans. That’s right. Thanks, everybody. Gary’s going to play us out. Everybody take care and have a great one. Here we go.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

oh it’s on it’s on like donkey kong what the hell was that? I was trying to bring the the energy the you know the okay i was trying to bring the, you know, excitement into the show. Bring the noise. You know, I never in my life heard anybody say it’s on like donkey kong whenever donkey kong was popular no Yeah, never ever. Did you ever hear that? Nah, we didn’t have that. Yeah, I remember playing Donkey Kong when it was, you know, new. No one said it’s on like Donkey Kong. We had just shadow puppetry. We were not very rich. Oh, you talk about you had a richer existence than I did back then. Yeah. So I remember when… When Pac-Man came out, at least in Decatur, when it got there, it took a while. And when Donkey Kong was there, because they were very popular. Yeah? At the replay video game place at the mall. Yeah, we didn’t have none like that. Oh, replay. I’d go to little
place called little italian and play some games. No, really? That was the only one italian or was it just yeah i know it’s a pizza place? The pizza hut had like the tabletop guys, which is always fun sure always okay always fun always Yeah. Well, somebody listened to the Polish Nostradamus this week because they sent us a picture of themselves in an eggplant suit. Yeah, I saw that sexy picture. Wow. It was an AI thing, but that’s fine. I’m not gay. Wow. Look at that man. Yeah, look at that man. Look at me now. michael just up as an eggplant in some kind of production and uh yeah i’ve won apparently so there we go. No, because that was faked. No, no, it doesn’t come no way i would say the way michael please do not encourage him please no there’s no production all right i don’t know what he’s up to yeah yeah it was very creative. I thought it was funny yeah that’s funny
It was funny. Yeah. I give him an A. A for funny. I give him an A for effort. I give him a big gong on that one. I give him an A for alpha. So, yeah. Polish Nostradamus last week, if you missed it, you can hear the 13 predictions that he made. And so far, they’ve held. I said Seahawks versus Broncos coming up. So, yeah. Are they? Both of them? Yeah. They’re still in it. Maybe we’ll check back in on that. Each week. Each week until it falls apart. I’m going to get it right one of these years. I’m going to call it. I think I looked it up. 2011. It’s already been 25. That was the 25th year. Wow. was only the 15th. Oh, gosh. Only the 15th year. What’s happened to my life? Oh, my God. Yeah, that’s right. What are you doing with yourself? Yeah, well, I know that, but I mean, what am I? Okay. So tonight we agreed to talk about your, you’re going to tell us all about your sexual fantasies. I think that was what we agreed upon. It’s all part of my
No, that’s not what we’re going to talk about. We’re telling stories I had a really nice, I know you don’t do this and I don’t mention it every time, but I had a really nice conversation with Alo. This woman in Nigeria has a show and I was on there talking and I talked about you. Yes. And I talked about whatever questions she asked me, but very nice. Very nice. Yeah. I don’t think I’ve ever talked to anyone from Nigeria. So you have one. Yeah. Huh? I don’t think so. I actually met it. That was online, but I’ve met in person several, I think Nigerians. Yeah. Uh, I met a gentleman from Sudan. Very nice gentleman. And his friends who hustled me in pool, which is not anything bad. I’m just saying hustler. You say, I just, it’s not anything bad. I’m just saying, yes, they caught me. Yes. They caught me. Yes. No. And I got a, a guy, a friend at work who is, uh, I can’t remember where he’s from now. Dang. I’ll have to ask him again, but anyway, he’s like some, you know, distant royalty.
Africa. Oh, no kidding. Yeah. I actually, we work at the same place. He made me put $10,000 in his bank account. He tried to reclaim the throne. Look, this money’s got my picture on it. That’s how royal I am. No, no, he’s a good guy. He’s a good guy. He was telling me about it. Yeah, I got a title. Uh, when i go home, I have a title and he’s like, I never, i’d never go home. So. Yeah. Yeah. I’m like, well, that must be a letdown coming over here. Yeah. All right. He’s like, no, not really. It’s better here. my name’s Herb. How are you doing yeah but uh no i just that was something that was interesting that happened recently. Yeah. But I wanted to tell you about, I’ve found a new sport
So, you know, there’s these at some point, you know, points in time they would call them like yuppie activities or, you know, what do you call it? Like soccer moms activities and things like that. I found a new one. I think it’s called drinking, isn’t it? Yeah. Yeah. The wine thing. Yeah. No, I don’t know. Right. Right. I found a new one, and you’re not going to believe it. Bring it. Maybe you will. Bring it on. What do you got? Now, I have been roped into this kind of new trend. Okay. And it’s like a cyclical thing, and around here is rampant. And I’m onto it, and I don’t like it. It’s like pickleball, or what is this? Well, actually… pickleball is huge around here, but that’s not it. Although I may play pickleball this summer. Who knows? I’d love to see that. I would love to see that. I win all my matches by default. So no, it’s, it’s,
The purchasing of things on Amazon and returning them. So the deal is you go on Amazon, you purchase something. Right. It ships. It gets to your house. Right. You take a look at it. You’re like, oh, that’s not what I want. I’m returning it. Yeah. And you take it to the UPS store and return it for free. And you order something else and it comes and then you take it back. Literally, I swear to God. I have to go to UPS store at least twice a week. Oh, Jesus Christ. But the thing is, it’s normal. It’s not out of the norm. There are so many people doing the same thing. They purchase something on Amazon. They go to your house. They’re like, that’s not what I want. Holy cow.
So the whole thing’s jammed up now? The whole lobby’s all… Yes. Oh, my gosh. So I had to get… I was telling you off the recording here about how everybody’s an asshole or whatever. So I go to the UPS store. So a lot of times I don’t have to go in, thank God. My wife will run it in because I didn’t buy it. But anyway, I’m not going to get that argument here. But, um, and so then she’ll, I’ll park and then she’ll go in and then, you know, we’ll go on and do other errands or what have you go to the store. This guy, his, uh, his old bat of a wife, what took something back and apparently needed to pay for it. And she didn’t have any money. So she came outside to get money from him and he pulls up behind me and she goes back in. Right. And I mean, you,
There’s so many people going in and out of this place. It’s like they’re giving away something for free. Wait, let me go. It’s not the post office. It’s the UPS store. No, it’s the UPS store. Okay, I’m sorry. It’s the UPS store. Okay, cool. Yeah, post office is bad enough. Yeah, right. Yeah, don’t fuck that up. To be honest with you, the UPS store is worse. Yeah, right. With traffic, I mean. And so then the guy just sits behind me. And I’m like, oh, my God. This guy better move, right? So the issue is not so much that he’s sitting behind me. It’s that when my wife comes out and gets in the car and we can’t back up. Oh, he’s got you pinned in. Yeah, totally pinned in. Oh, great. And so when the wife shows up, then it’s going to be.
Tell the pay, right? Your wife ain’t going to be having it, man. I know your wife. She’s not having none of that. She’s about it, man. I’m like, oh, and then I’m going to have to do something. Right. Because, yeah, that’s how it works. Oh, man. Yeah. Those old guys got me pinned in. He’s sitting there, sitting there, sitting there. His old wife goes in with like a wad of cash to pay for something. I don’t know what that was just being for. Right. And my wife comes out, and I’m like, please move. Please move. No. Doesn’t move. Oh, shit. I had to get out. Excuse me, sir. Could you please move your Monte Carlo? No, no. This is where the, you know, I told you I’m getting cranky or whatever. He can’t see. He’s looking for his wife. Right. His ass end is blocking me, so I cannot go anywhere.
Right. He’s got like a suv or some big long SUV. Yeah. And so he can’t see me in the driver’s seat because he’s on the far side, right? Right. It’s totally boogered up. He’s like in the wrong lane, on the wrong side, doing everything wrong. Oh, geez. So I had to step out and then i give him the old, you know, hard point. I’m like, yeah you know, like move it or I’m breaking your window. You know what I mean? Right. And, uh, he, he skedaddled right out of there, but yeah. And the worst thing was I was, uh, yeah, we had been to the, uh, to the gym. And so we were coming from, the gym to drop this thing off, so i was all, like, disheveled. Wearing your shorts and your wet shirt you’re all draggled and i’m like and man that guy took off. He’s like, man, that broad is really angry, man. I better get going here. I was like i was really yeah i could i was like i hate that. I hate to do that.
You’re a tough guy, man. I didn’t know that. Well, then I have to, you know, I’m like all, I’m like Sylvester Stallone telling the guy to get the hell out of there. And then I get in the car and I’m Woody Allen. Oh my gosh. I can’t believe he was blacking us in. Oh, you know, and I have to go on and on about it for like 10 minutes. Your wife’s probably like, what took you so long? Yeah, no. Well, I had a spot and so she knew I didn’t move. So yeah, I didn’t, She’s just like, what was that guy doing? I go, oh, his old bad of a wife had to come get money. I’m like, oh, but it just drives me crazy. Whenever people, it’s like there’s a bunch of parking spaces like everywhere. This place is just. You know, you in the future, like 20, 30 years from now, you know, that’ll be you, you know, some old dude. Yeah, that’ll be me. You’re right. Your wife goes waddling in, you know. Yeah, exactly.
I was like, oh, man, this place is going to kill me. I didn’t know you were such a badass. I’m like, you are a badass. Yeah, thankfully, he moved and so forth. So, yeah, it’s just been getting bad here. You beat up some old man. That’s great. I beat up this old man. There was an incident today in downtown St. Louis when a young man… Oh, by the way, the monkeys that got loose in St. Louis have not been found yet. So just update. No monkeys have been found. And the news is reporting that people keep turning in AI monkey pictures of St. Louis to the authorities. The monkeys are right here. And then, of course, they’re not. Oh, yeah. the good use of AI is everybody’s turning in fake monkey pictures in there. Oh my God. Checking out. Of course, there’s no monkeys, you know, monkeys in St. Louis. I, well, there could be, there could be, there is, and they’re not from the zoo. That’s the thing. They’re illegally, illegally bred monkeys. Oh, it almost sounds made up. It could,
Might be, but I’ve seen it from multiple reliable sources that there are actually monkeys loose inside. Let them be. Let them be. My sense that him and his friends are going to go find a monkey and bring it home, and I’m like… Over my dead body. No, I said he could put them in the garage, but I don’t want them in the house. Then you point to the road, and you’re like… That’s right. That’s funny. So anyway, now I’m playing the Amazon merry-go-round here. Man, I didn’t know you were such a badass. Jeez, I’m tired. Yeah. What’s going on with you? I’m chasing monkeys and returning products. Well, no, I didn’t get to beat up anybody or get that tough or nothing. I kind of got bullied.
at Walmart, so. You’re pulled up behind some guy and he goes, he has some badass like and you know I do things a little bit differently than you I shop sometimes late at night I know. You’re such a weirdo and I resisted the self-checkout for many years. I’m now doing it now. One of those people. Well, I’m taking someone’s job. That’s what I feel. But, you know, like Michael’s going to have to get a new job. They don’t even want that job. Nobody wants that job. Come on. They love it. No, everyone that works there hates it. Come on. Yes. I worked at Walmart a long time ago. I checked out people. All right. Relay? All right, man. Be cool. Gosh. Wow. Hey.
Hey, tough guy. Easy, man. Jeez. Come on. And, uh, so, you know, I buy different items and, uh, I had, you know, not a lot, but, uh, nylon rope, uh, zip ties, binoculars, camo bucket. Yeah. Just stuff. Crazy stuff. Random things. And, uh, I’ve made a habit of kind of like using the, uh, the, the gun, I suppose. Oh yeah. You pop that. Yeah. And so, uh, there’s like some little midget lady working there and she’s, you can’t say that anymore. Come on. What lady? No, I can’t say lady. I don’t know. I don’t know. What do you want to call it? Short. There’s a little, little person, a little person. No, she wasn’t come on i’m just joking. No, she wasn’t. It was like a keebler elf or something. I don’t know. You know, there is a high school in the area here called the, their mascot is the midgets. Uh, there’s one up in wisconsin too, called the fighting one uh one up north near Chicago. Yeah, there is actually there is this yeah anyway and uh no there was no i’m no she’s very nice lady. she worked there anyway um so
something didn’t scan right, and I have to, you know, like a little child, like, can you come here, please, and help me with my… You know, she’s like, yeah, just you push the thing on the screen that says push here, and that clears the… I’m like, oh, okay. Thank you, lady. She’s like, yeah, all right. I’m like, all right. So I’m scanning, and all of a sudden, like, this gun thing is like, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. I’m like, shit, I think this son of a bitch is from… She walks up and she goes, hey, the idiot finder’s gone off again. Well, you’re getting close, yeah. So I think, I’m like, well, shit, this thing maybe is losing battery or something, you know, like, what the fuck? Sounds just like my cell phone when I don’t charge it ever. Right, yeah. Well, that is me, yes. And so I go, hey, hey, come over here again. She goes, what’s
Hang that up. Hang that up. Put that away. I’m like, okay. What’s going on? She goes, sir, that is really for the heavy items, not the medium or light items that you are using that for. It is for, let me repeat it, heavy items. If you had a barcode on your ass, you could use it. Yeah. I wanted to be so tough like you. Hey, I drive a Dodge Stratus. You’re not going to tell me what to do. That whole Will Ferrell thing. I’m like, yeah, I got bullied by some lady. That is for the heavy items. There are rules. If it weighs more than you, use the gun. I said, what if I’m disabled though? And she walked away. Did you really say, what if I’m disabled? Yeah, I was going to say I got hurt in the Gulf. Oh, yeah. No, in Cancun, I cut my foot. I was swimming in Cancun. I got hurt in the Gulf. Yeah, right. I was going to play that up. She did not want to hear it. Walked away. I don’t blame her. Walked away.
I’m surprised she didn’t say, pack your shit up and go stand in line. Yeah. Yeah. You go get by that angry woman over there with the glasses. You’re banned from the self-check, sir. Banned. I know. I know. I got bullied again. Again. Every time you walk in the door, the greeter’s going to have to put, like, a little thing on your wrist so you can’t use it. I know. So I’m just some idiot, you know. Oh, Mr. Title, you know the procedure. We got to put the red band on your wrist every time you come into the Walmart. She’s like, I want to take that gun. I’m like, from my cold, dead hands. Were you trying to, like, spin it or anything? Like, you know, like a six-shooter in my pocket? Yeah. I was doing tricks, you know, behind my back. Like, cat litter. Six-pack. A pop. Between the legs. Three-nose.
Boop, boop. Top of my head. Your whole order. I can tell your whole order. National Enquirer. Yeah. Ho-hos. Ho-hos, yes. Excuse me. You got the little Debbie kind. Excuse me. Yeah, so I don’t know. It’s going to be a little while before I go back, I think. Magnum condoms do not constitute a big item. Mm-hmm. Oh, you want to see a big item? All right. Yeah. Oh, I thought you said heavy people, not heavy items. Oh, yeah. I didn’t know what you meant. So, apparently. There’s a lot of rules in the world that I don’t follow, apparently. Yeah, I guess not. That’s interesting. I know. I’m such an idiot. Well, I mean, you know. I use the gun for everything. Whenever I do it, I just use the gun. It’s fun. It’s the only reason to go there, to use the gun. But I don’t… Apparently, you misused the gun in some ways. I may have. I may have. Okay. Looking back on it, I may have. Slim Jim. Yeah. You’re misusing the gun. Were you, like, scanning… Like, you know, scanning…
breasts around you or something? Hey, you know, this gun, coincidentally, when there’s a victim… It makes you invisible. Look. I can see you shooting people in the eyeballs or something. Yeah, that’s me. Mr. Technology. In the self-checkout lane. Or maybe she just wants eat you up for christ’s sake. God. I don’t know. Not that hard. You just drag i’m working there for free for christ’s sakes. I mean, Jesus Christ, man. Don’t go there. Go to the better place. I am going to start going to the better place where i don’t get hassled and bullied. Yeah. Go to the old woman. I want to be a rich, tough guy like you that goes to, you know, your Costco’s and Sam clubs and like, Hey, listen, man. Yeah. I don’t have to wait in line ladies. You know? Yeah. I’m compliments. You better believe it sister.

Bad AI Transcript

Hello, everybody, and welcome to a conversation with Danny Johnson. Go figure. Now, Danny, the Danny part sounds funny. The Johnson part, not so funny. Danny is a comedian, stand-up comedian. He is a clean stand-up. He likes to put that all over his webpage, just so you know. If he didn’t have it on his webpage, there’d just be the F word, and everybody would know that he was a clean comedian, right? He does corporate events. clubs, churches, over 15 years. He had a dry bar comedy special called The Chesky Life, which I love that title. And you have a new thing coming out called, and I’m already blanking on it here. You can tell me, Danny. Everything bothers me. There you go. I knew I was going to get you to say it, and I would say it as well. Danny Johnson. You can go to his website. We’ll just get this stuff out of the way. DannyJohnson.com.
at Danny Johnson comedy. And we’ll visit those throughout the talk here, but I like to put everything up front so people don’t have to wait. Cause you know, they may get bored with this conversation. I really just want to know more about Danny. I don’t really care to listen to this other guy. So we’ll make sure everybody’s happy. Right. Look at that. I like that plugs up front. So yeah, everybody. Yeah, exactly. We’ll do that. I don’t want to, you know, you make, everybody makes people wait, right? Like it’s, Like they’re doing them a favor when they’re really not. Yeah. It’s the worst to watch a video where… And then sometimes they don’t get to the point ever and there’s another part. Right. In part two, we’ll finally tell you where to find these people. No, not for me. I’m done with you, buddy. Blocked. That’s right. No more part twos. Right. So everything bothers me. I mean, this could be everybody’s comedy special. Couldn’t it be? Yeah. I think… And it’s funny. The title of it was…
created after we shot the special in Atlanta earlier this year. And it was really just a culmination of, I do actually mention that phrase in my special, but in just going through the material and the final cut, it was like, this was just a sort of a list of things that bother me that I was talking about. There you go. This is, your book’s coming out called How to Write the Easiest Comedy Set. just things that bother you. Yeah. And so one of the producers was like, he goes, it seems like everything bothers you. And I go, that’s a perfect name for. So let’s, that’s, that’s what’s happening now. Let’s go back 15 years and say, you know, young Danny, younger Danny, in your case, probably what teenage Danny is, is,
going to be a stand-up comedian. I mean, how did that all come about? As far back as I can remember, I’ve always been interested in comedy. I grew up in a really large family in Long Island, New York. And we’re all loud. We’re all poking fun at each other constantly. And if you want any attention whatsoever at any giant family function, then you better have some sort of talent or be funny. And I remember… I remember starting to do like imitations or impersonations of my relatives at family functions. And it was getting a laugh. And I realized how powerful that was. Even at a young age, I’m like, wow, I’m getting positive attention. Just making fun of my uncle or cousin or whoever, you know, just kind of impersonating them. And then I’ve stumbled in my teenage years across Saturday Night Live, which of course is not stand-up, but just fell in love with those characters. And that led, staying up late,
on the weekend led me to staying up late during the week and watching, uh, the late night TV shows and, and, uh, catching standup, you know, uh, Robert Klein and Jerry Seinfeld and Carlin. And, um, they were just talking for five or six minutes into a microphone and getting laughs. And I was like, this is really appealing. Um, and it’s baffling, you know, I didn’t understand or necessarily crack up at a lot of the jokes, but, you know, I was younger, but, As I grew older, it led to my first stage performance at 18 at a small club in Long Island. And I only did well because we brought 63 of the 73 audience members to the show. So crowdsourcing was your friend basically at 18. You’re like, hey, everybody. Yeah. If you want a false sense of hope, just stack the crowd with friends and family.
That was Danny Johnson reads his Rolodex. I think that was your act back then. You’re just, if you come, I will read your name on stage. Right. And then I finished up college in Long Island, my first two years of college. And I didn’t do standups. And from the time I was 18, I didn’t do standup until I finished my senior year of college. And by that time I’d moved to Florida and finished my college in Florida. And where I ended up residing in Florida wasn’t, right down the road from one of the biggest comedy clubs or the biggest comedy club in Northeast Florida. And they had a workshop of like how to be an MC or a host of a show. And it was free. And the club was open Tuesday through Saturday. I joined that workshop, started, I guess, learning from some of the current hosts that were there and eventually became a regular. And two years later, I was, you know, working Tuesday through Saturday, a couple of times a month,
sometimes at this club hosting shows. And then, you know, long, longer, long story, longer, um, other comedians that I worked for started to bring me on the road and open for them and bump me up to the middle act. And then, you know, once you get enough material, you can kind of pitch yourself to bookers as a feature actor, a headliner. So, uh, it was the, it was a really long journey to get to have, you know, start headlining venues and whatnot. but I’m glad, and this is, you know, I started pre-internet or pre-social media, I should say, maybe not pre-internet, but pre-social media popular, you know, being popular. So my website was huge. You know, that was a big deal to have a website. Like, wow, you have a URL? Which is why I have Danny Johnson. Yeah. There you go. Here it is. This is it today. Which is why I have the .com, DannyJohnson.com. It’s
of rare to have a dot com and uh i’ve had people want to buy it, which is interesting. Really? How much you can offer for that? I’ve gotten upwards of upwards of four grand. Wow. But it’s been, it’s been a good decade since someone’s tried to buy it. There’s two, there’s a semi-famous musician out of England. Um, and then there’s, there’s a few public speakers all with my name. So, um, like, uh, they’re not comedians, but they are, well-known speakers. Well, I mean, with a name like Johnson. There’s got to be several Dannys out there. It’s funny you say that. I remember I had the hardest time getting with this one particular booker. And finally, I got a hold of them on the phone. And this is after years of emailing or just trying to get in with them. And I go, what? Did I do something? And they go, yeah, I booked you and you didn’t show. And I said,
I haven’t worked for you ever. And they go, you’re Danny Johnson out of whatever city they mentioned. I go, no, I’m in Northeast Florida. They’re like, oh my gosh, there’s another one of you. I was like, well, that’s not me. Why didn’t you at least meet with me and find out? So I ended up working for the Booker, but yeah, there was, there was like almost like a bizarro Danny Johnson. Now you just need to do the opposite and get more gigs based on this other Danny Johnson. Yeah, he needs to step up his career. Just answer. I had an email address where this person thought it was their email address, and they kept signing me up for everything. It was very aggravating. I mean, you could do the same thing for the other Danny Johnson. I do that too. I sign up people’s email addresses for stuff.
If they wrong me in life, they get on everything. That’s your next special. Don’t tell me your email. You’ll get a bunch of crap. So you did this when you were younger. You went to college, which I’m assuming your mother said, finish your degree, please. Don’t just run off and do comedy. What was your degree in? Business management. I went to two years at State University of New York at Farmingdale. And then I finished my bachelor’s at University of South Florida in Tampa. And it took me so long. I jokingly refer to my college experience as the decade of excellence. That’s very good. Yeah. So it did take you a whole decade or no? No, not… It probably took me… So two years for the Associates in New York and then probably…
three years and a semester for my to finish. Okay. I remember my count because I was away from my parents for the first time. They were still in New York and I was in Florida having a time of my life at this giant college. And I remember finally at one point in my second senior year, the guidance counselor that I meet with each semester was like, look, you got to finish up. you’re 47 years old. I don’t know how old it was but i was it was like van Wilder. I don’t know if you ever seen it. Yeah. Yeah. So I finished up just, she’s like, she goes, you can major in like three different things. You’ve taken so much, so many classes. So you had to make a decision. You took enough, but not quite enough, I guess. i had to have one more class in each.
category or something to push you over the top. She was like, you can do business administration, you can do accounting, you can do anthropology. Basket weaving is just a tick away, Danny. A tick away. Fun fact, and I don’t mean to get your lady listeners all riled up, hot and bothered, but when I did my two years of college in New York, I was on a partial scholarship for bowling. Oh, yeah. That’s hilarious because I actually have a friend who was a bowling scholarship type. He was almost a pro bowler at one point, which that’s more of a Midwest thing, I thought, but you’re an East Coast guy. Yeah, I was actually cutting class bowling on campus, and the coach saw me and offered me a part scholarship to continue school and be on the bowling team there.
Would you consider your style more a Weber style or a Flintstone style? I would say Flintstone. I’m not a trash talker like Weber. Okay. Because for many, many years, I’ve been in St. Louis, Missouri. And for many, many years, the Bowling Hall of Fame was downtown St. Louis. Oh, interesting. And Weber… Dick Weber and Pete Weber, his son, lived here. They had a bowling alley, Dick Weber Lanes. Yeah, Pete, I remember. My ultimate goal was to be a pro bowler and comedian and just either tour the country doing tournaments or comedy shows. I mean, they’re making a sequel to… Kingpin? Kingpin, right. Kingpin 2. I mean, this to me sounds like a spinoff. The comedian bowler… I think it’s a pitch. I think we were going to write it right here. Yeah. Danny Johnson is he go by, you know, in the afternoon, he’s a pro bowler. And at night he’s on stage telling jokes. We’ll call it a knock them dead or something like that. Well, okay. I was thinking strikes or something simple. Yeah. Yeah. Or stay in your lane or something. There you go. Got a ball. Yeah. Everybody loves that. Right. So,
We’ll have to test it with some focus groups. Yeah, put that down. I feel a partnership brewing. Mark me down for that one. Gutter balls sounds good. Gutter balls sounds like an 80s comedy. But anyway, let’s get back to 80s. Which are great comedies, by the way. Yeah, exactly. Gutter balls. It’s like joysticks or one of those things. So you’re a pro bowler, comedian. So now obviously you finished your degree in, is this when you finally got serious about doing your standup after college or did you like make a job and you’re like, man, this is the worst. Yeah. I did the job and comedy at the same time. And that eventually resigned from the job. What’d you do? I, we worked for, Oh, when I, my first ever real job was, um, for landscaping, um,
and irrigation company installing landscaping and irrigation on new homes. And then I went to Citi at a call center for Citi Bank credit cards. Oh, God. And then I remember they wanted I was interested in transferring from where I was to Tampa with Citi to help them open up a new site. And then I had a girlfriend at the time who was like, Why aren’t you doing stand up full time? You’re living at home. You have money in the bank. You’re young. So instead of going into the boss’s office and confirming I was moving to Tampa, I went in and resigned. And then my girlfriend broke up with me. She’s like, I cannot stand a person with this much gumption. I have to get out of this relationship. I can’t have somebody without a job. I was like, you told me this. This is part of her three-step plan. She’s going to destroy your life and then destroy, you know.
Yeah, how can I get an excuse to break up with this guy? Well, he’s pretty funny. What if I encouraged him to improve his life? Usually the girlfriends that encourage you are the good ones. Right. I think this just got written into Gutterball. Yeah, this is… I swear, if you see Gutterball years from now, we never had this conversation, so don’t get your lawyers ready. That’s right. You’re going to shred this. I just saw a thing that apparently Seinfeld, when it became popular, got all these spec scripts and they literally just shredded all of them as they came in the mail. They didn’t open anything. They just shredded them so there would not be any kind of issues with people saying that was my episode. Anyhow, that’s a nice downer point there. That’s a downer thing. So your girlfriend encouraged you to do stand-up and then she dumps you. Yeah. But you…
Like, well, might as well just keep doing it. Yeah, I mean, I knew I was going to do it eventually anyway. That was just a little shove, you know, a little push. And then, you know, having the benefit of living at home was great at the time, you know. Oh, yeah, definitely. I always tell my kids, take advantage. Take advantage of me while you’re here so you can just sop up all the free stuff and do what you want. Yeah, it was nice to be able to, like, not pay rent anymore. being gone so much anyway, it was just not, you know, and then it was nice to just be able to come home, you know somebody you still though, you still tour though, don’t you? Of course. Yeah, I do. Now I blend the stand-up with, uh, any kind of acting work i can get or voiceover stuff. Um, those three. And then i get royalties from my very first comedy special i did in 2019, the chesky life. You mentioned that earlier, which that’s a good name, by the way, Chesky.
Is it like some kind of combo word? I’m assuming it comes with husky. Yeah, well, that’s where it came from. And this is in my very first notebook I ever… I still have it. Very first notebook I ever created for comedy was in like 8th grade, 7th or 8th grade. And I still have it. And it was just funny ideas I wrote down. And my mother would take me shopping for school clothes every year in 6th or 7th, 8th grade. I was in the mall and I do, sometimes I do this on stage and I try to get away from my mom in the mall just to be with my friends and, and Long Island moms are very loud. They don’t come to find you. They just yell until you come to them. So she would, she would, we’d be in a higher end store looking for clothes like Sears or pennies. And, uh, that’s all I hear is her yelling like, daddy, daddy, I’m over here in the Husky section.
What’s your waist now? 42. And it’s tough skin jeans. They were called Husky jeans. And I said, Mom, not Husky. I’m chubby. I’m like chubby Husky. And that’s where Chusky came from. And who would know? 20 some odd years later, I would use that as a joke and make it the title of my first special. That’s funny. No, I figured it had something to do with it. I apologize. I did not watch the special. I’ll be totally honest with you. You’re with the majority of Americans. I wanted you to know I’m always totally honest with all my guests. Well, you should. And that one and this new one. I’m afraid the new one will just get me riled up because a lot of things bother me as well. And so then I’ll just be like, oh my gosh, this is like…
you know, one of those things where it’s like one of those 12 step things that helps your life but if i just write down everything that bothers me yeah i will feel so much better. And then, you know it’s it’s very therapeutic. Comedy in general is very therapeutic it’s it’s writing down everything that that moves me in some way and then trying to make it funny. It’s like releasing it you know at night i would say 20 of the stuff i write makes it to the stage. 10 makes it permanently to the stage or long-term, right? Everything else is just therapy, just writing it down. Now, so you’re just basically, this was a whole self-help journey that you’re on and still not cured yourself after 15 years? Nope. No, I don’t think I’ll ever be. There’s no cure. There’s just a treatment plan. I’m like big pharma. There’s no cure. It’s just treating you.
Repeatedly. We’re just helping you along. And if i had no problems, what would i talk about on stage i well i don’t know. I’m sure there’s a husky version of adult pants that you wear. I don’t know yes why are you married do you do you go out with your wife and have get your clothes or anything no i was i was married i have a i’m divorced i have a wonderful girlfriend. but yeah she gives me plenty of material I have all new stuff you know so I’m constantly writing and and and that’s that’s a cautionary tale to some folks that that I hang out with her or you know please don’t put this in your show or and then I of course say no and then I do but you know
I mean, you’re not going to be able to pack them into the places if you keep cutting friends off like this. That’s right. Eventually, you’re going to pass the break-even point. But hey, if I’m honest with them, it’s insulting to them because most of the stuff they say is so boring. It’ll be some situation and they’ll be like, don’t you put this in your comedy act. I’m like, this couldn’t be more boring. I couldn’t care less about what you’re talking about right now. There is no way this will ever make are you trying to make me bad? That’s right. Because if i want to fail, I will use it. Right. And then some people are the opposite. They go, hey, I read this joke on the internet the other day. You can use it in your show. But that’s not the way it works. If you’re a milton burl it did. But yeah, I heard that. Well, not the Internet, though. Not the Internet. Right. Well, you know, the so you’ve obviously had to be fairly tenacious.
because this is not for the faint of heart, I would say. And so what is the motivator? I mean, I don’t see any pictures on your website. You’re driving around in a Ferrari with $100 bills up the top of it or something. So it’s not the money. What pushes you? What’s driving you now? Well, first, I’m going to Google tenacity. Then second, I am. It’s the love of, I tell new comics this a lot when they ask for advice, I go, you need to be very comfortable with the word. No, you’re going to get no a lot in any, any business where there’s auditioning almost like sales, you know, you’re going to get more nos than yeses. So be very comfortable with that and know that this no is not a personal attack on you. Maybe it is in some instances, but it, it is just another venue. And, um,
I love it so much. It’s hard to explain. I love to make people laugh, whether it’s an interaction in the supermarket one-on-one where nobody will know but that person or on stage. I like the idea that you can come to my show and for 60 minutes, you can forget about your problems. I’m not going to talk about politics or get overly, I’m not, I don’t do, it’s clean. So I don’t, it’s clean, but not cheesy. It’s original thought, original material. not sexual and, you know, it’s just not uncomfortable. You can bring whoever you want to the show and just forget about your problems and walk out in a better mood than you came in. And if I can accomplish that, I’ve done my job and I get the same, you know, I get the same return from them you know the the audience having a good time makes me have a good time. So it is a very addicting career and
I would probably say if I was to detail out how much I’ve been paid for all my gigs, I probably have been paid zero more than any other amount because you have to get on stage relentlessly in the beginning for free at open mics to get any better. And I still do open mics for, yeah. I mean, I still do open mics for free now to work on new material. So, um, you know, two, three, four, five times a month, I’m out there doing a spot, five, seven minute spot for free. So I’m still doing $0 shows just to try out new material and work on it. So whenever you started, you’re crafting your jokes and so forth. Did you have like a template? So like, did you say, okay, I’m going to be like, you know, XYZ person, or I’m going to mimic, a lot of times people mimic things
You can definitely hang up. Yeah. How’d you do it? That’s yeah. I think that’s the wrong approach to do that, but you inadvertently do that anyway. You inadvertently, when you’re trying to, while you’re trying to find your own voice, you are, um, subconsciously mimicking your favorite comedians. So you might have the same cadence or facial expression or timing or delivery. Um, Until you find your voice, which they say, and I hate saying that phrase. They say, they say 10 years, 10 years or so, or 10,000 hours, you’ll find your voice. And it took me a long, long time. So my influences are Seinfeld. He’s my favorite of all time. Let’s say Carl ends up there and some others, but I’m definitely not maybe Kevin James. People say they see Kevin James and me from King of Queens.
but yeah you I wouldn’t try to mimic anyone. Just go up there and be yourself. And you’ll find it’s very odd. And I heard Jerry Seinfeld say this. You as a comedian are the expert in funny. You are the primo expert in funny. And however, the audience tells me whether I’m right or wrong. So even though I’m the expert and I’m delivering this material because I’m the comedian, you guys tell me whether I’m it’s, it’s the ultimate instant barometer for, is this working or not? You know? So I, you, I would just say as a newbie, don’t try to be like, I mean, just be yourself and see where that takes you. And then it’s going to take hours and hours and hours to find. Whenever you do the new material, do you like have note cards or how, how do you, how do you go through it? And then like, if people laugh, do you like put a,
checkmark next to the joke or something? Well, I record it, so I listen to it after. Oh my gosh, you listen to yourself afterwards as well? Yeah, it’s awful. You are committed, my friend. It’s a terrible process. I do not like watching or listening to myself, and I have to do it. I did what day is today? I did two shows recently, back-to-back. Oh, New Year’s Eve. And I recorded it, and I have yet to listen to it. It’s been couple days and because i’ve yet to watch it because i know that it’s not. There’s only a couple things that are new um that i really want to listen to and i just hate it so much um but i would say this. So in the beginning of my career and i would encourage new comics to do this. I would literally um type out my whole set word for word um and then i would highlight where i thought i would get a laugh and then. Listen to do the show and then listen.
excuse me, to that show after, and then compare where you actually got laughs to where you thought you would. And you can make adjustments as needed. So now while I don’t write it word for word any more than once now, but I’ll still do bullet points on note cards. And I’ll try to memorize that as best I can. But a lot of times for open mics to try out new stuff, I’ll bring it up on stage. and just read, you know, not read it word for word, but just kind of look down. Okay. Topic is whatever turtles. And then I’ll just go into my, my new joke about turtles or whatever. And, uh, yeah, I’m inserting my own turtle joke. So that’s the, that’s the process. I don’t,
I don’t have that slide yet. That’s the process I used in the beginning, and then it’s sort of the same process I use now, just a little less detailed. Oh, okay. It’s interesting, though, because I always wonder… If you talk to any comic, they’re always saying, I’m working on new material. That’s always, constantly. There’s always a constant writing and mining for new material. It’s almost like bitcoin mining it takes a lot of energy and you don’t get a lot out of it uh you know initially but if you get that one little thing then everybody’s happy but then on the other side of it i always wonder what people do to know i mean obviously you know when you’re up there like oh that worked out well but you don’t necessarily know why it worked out well unless you’re really paying attention right because it could be
it worked great because it was so relatable to what’s happening in the news now. But doing that joke six months from now might never get a laugh right um it could be, it could have worked well because it was a reference to geographical reference and you’re in that city or state. So you have to i i’ll try i’ll try a bit a hundred times before i really retire it and say, this is just not working. I can’t get this to work. And you still keep it on the back burner. And sometimes, down the road, it’ll fit into another idea. So, you know, it might be a line or two that’s sort of related to a new thing that’s really working well. And you’re like, oh, I can take that old thing that never worked, put it into this because it’s sort of related to it. And it turns out it works. So there’s sometimes a place for it down the road. Always keep your notes and re-review them from time to time. But yeah, I don’t know any comedian that just tries a joke once. And it’s interesting because so if you…
If you get a chance to watch my new special on YouTube, everything bothers me. My opening bit is about the first and only time I’ve gotten a professional massage. And the bit is anywhere from eight to 10 minutes long, depending on the amount of laughter. And that joke started with two lines that lasted 30 seconds. So it was working so well as an opener and it was really just two punchlines. And I was like, I got home and I was like, this joke’s working so well. what else happened to me during that massage? And I just kind of wrote out the whole experience in minute, in such fine detail. And it turned out to be this long story about massage. And so that just goes to show you, just because you have a joke, it’s almost never finished. You can always build on it. So tell me, so
I see on here, I put on the screen, Honest Fox Comedy, Danny Johnson, Everything Bothers Me. And you can watch the full special on your website there. And I can fill that up there as well. Yeah, it’s been a pleasant, it’s been an interesting, it’s very nerve-wracking to launch your own special on your own on YouTube. Because my first special was done through Dry Bark Comedy, a company out of Utah that produces clean comedy specials. And so they already have millions of fans. Mm-hmm. Um, so my first special from them is now also on Apple, Amazon, and Peacock because of its success. And it has millions of views across different streams of, uh, there it is, right? Yeah. The Chesky life. And then, so putting something out on YouTube with, I mean, honest Fox comedy is a pretty well-known media company out of Atlanta. They have relationships with Jim Gaffigan and Jeff Allen and Leanne Morgan and myself and others, but.
They don’t have a built in platform of fans. They have an infrastructure, you know? Right. So I remember it’s I think it’s I think it’s two months in a day. It was released in the first night before I went to bed. My son was like, hey, you have 139 views. I’m like, OK, well, it’s only been a few hours. That’s fine. And then I woke up the next morning to seventy seven hundred views. And then now, two months later, it’s it’s almost at one hundred eighty thousand views. and climbing. So for someone you’ve never heard of, I consider it a pretty, pretty big success and it just continues to get thousands of views a day. It’s great. That’s fantastic. And so then that, so as far as, so dry bar essentially is like they produce everything for you, right? You come in, you’re the talent, right? And then they kind of handle the rest. It sounds like this is a little bit different where you’re kind of the producer as well in that sense.
Yeah, I had a big hand in the creative process. It was shot at their facility. They have a studio and a club itself. So they have all the equipment and cameras and stuff. It was just in partnership with them. So they filmed it. I helped edit it, which surprisingly to me, I only took out one joke. I didn’t add a joke. I didn’t add audience laughter. Because it was such a great couple of shows. What they put together was I just wanted to eliminate one joke and kind of going back to what I just mentioned, it was a joke about Jacksonville, Florida. And I was like, get that out of there. And that’s, I don’t know why I did that. It’s too, you know, too targeted, but, um, I, I, I’m really happy with the results cause it, I can’t imagine sitting here today and saying, well, I have 500 views after two months and I have more friends than that. You know, these, these weren’t the 63 people I drug at 18 over to, uh,
And it’s also a special that I’m proud of because you can listen to it with anybody you want, your grandparents, your parents, your kids. It’s not geared towards kids, but it’s something that you can have on without having to worry that something’s going to be talked about that you have to mute it or whatnot. So let’s talk about that. So the clean comedy angle, right? Because that’s something that, I mean, I suppose… you know, now 30, 40 years ago, everything was kind of clean comedy unless you went someplace that it wasn’t. And then we had a transition, I think in the seventies and eighties to where everything was not really clean comedy. If you went to a show in the nineties and so forth. And now in the two thousands and on, now we’ve got this whole thing where, you know, people list themselves as clean comedy and it’s become,
tag, essentially. Give me a little thought process on that. You want to be there because… I think it’s just several reasons. One, it’s just an extension of my personality. I’m not an overly vulgar person in real life. When I first started comedy, I may have cursed a time or two or a dozen times or two in the very, very beginning. I started to realize that curses that i was doing on stage were meant to elicit a response in lieu of a laugh um and i remember seinfeld uh you know, in an interview being like, that’s it’s sort of if you’re using a a a curse word as a punch line to get a laugh, then you’re not writing. And I love other comics that are not clean. I mean, I love comedy in general. But I’m against it. It’s just not for me. I want to be challenged. If I think of an idea where the punchline is inexplicative, I’m like, I need to do better. I need to write better. So I love that challenge. Can I be funny and original? Because a lot of people equate clean comedy to cheesy. And there’s plenty of them out there.
So I like to try to be as original thoughts to me and my family and my experiences as possible. I got a big compliment from this very well-known talent manager who watched my special, second one, and just called me. I’d never talked to them before. Just got my information, called me, and said, it’s really nice to see a super clean comedian that has a bit of an edge. you know, while you may watch and go, well, that’s not edgy like Bill Burr or Chris Rock or so. That’s right. It’s not. But I’m not the family cheese ball. You know, there’s some stuff in there that people might roughly might ruffle some feathers, but it’s just done in a, I think, a well-written, you know, original way. And it has a little bit of a ticked off edge to it. And I like that compliment from that person. And I think that’s what people will get out of
Oh, that’s fantastic. Yeah. So let’s wrap up here, Danny. Where’s Danny in the next, you know, five, 10 years? Well, I just, as a result of the special, I signed with an agency in Los Angeles. So I now have a manager and agent in LA, which is on the complete opposite coast. And, you know, currently kind of submitting me for some bigger opportunities, you know, get me some more exposure and more um nationwide exposure. So I think in the next five years i will, regardless of what happens, whether i get those things or not, I will continue to tour and tell jokes wherever they’ll have me um and try to bring some funny and some happiness into folks lives so i i you know, I jokingly tell people my last show will be when when i’m 100
well you get george burns it is this what you’re trying to be? I would love to. I don’t think, I don’t know that i’ll ever stop. I’ll be, I’ll be the guy in the old folks home holding an open mic or something i i love it so much. And I love the challenge of finding something i find funny and then translating that to 300 strangers in a room and us all laughing about it. That’s my favorite thing in the world. Well, Dan, I wish you, I hope it all comes true. I have a feeling you’re going to have a pilot, you know, like a pilot for some kind of sitcom show on, well, nowadays it’ll be Netflix or Amazon or something. Are they doing sitcoms yet? I guess they are. Yeah, Leanne Morgan has a sitcom. That’s true. I actually just saw hers. I was looking, flipping through things. You’re right. Not as much as it used to be. Peacock has all kinds of them right now that they’re doing on Peacock, like paper and so forth.
Yeah, you’ll be that. You’ll be this guy who I have a feeling it won’t be gutter balls. Okay. No, it’ll be a guy who’s helping. He lives with his mom, but he’s still trying to do something in Florida. Right. I think this has got potential. Now I got to think of a name for this one. Yeah. Why don’t we call it Swamp Land? Okay. Yeah, sort of like Florida. He didn’t like that at all. He’s like, this is stupid. Why am I listening to this? No, I mean, believe you me, it will be funny one day if you email me or something like, buddy, we talked about this. Where’s my cut? Don’t worry about that. I was just thinking, yeah, Swamp Land, you live down there, you’re trying to sell irrigation systems to people who live in a swamp. It just doesn’t work out. And it’s like one of those sweet shows where you and your mom don’t get along, but then you take care of her and it’s a whole thing.
It’s bowling night, mom. Let me go out. You’re 45 years old. Where’s my dinner? Right. Yeah. All right, Danny. Well, you want to plug anything other than the website? Well, first of all, thanks for having me, man. I enjoyed this conversation. I love talking about comedy and I love people that are interested and you asked some great questions and I would love to come back anytime you want. I wrote nothing down, Danny. This is the great thing you met you that was the best compliment. You’re like, oh, it sounded like he was prepared. He asked a good question. Well, you could be writing stuff down as we go you’re i’m talking to a cartoon right now that’s right weirdest the weirdest podcast i’ve ever done so really oh my god i’ve never talked to an avatar before. Well, it’s the future, my friend. Wouldn’t that be funny if i later found out that you don’t even exist? It was all ai that’s right exactly yeah it’s all ai they’re like hold on i’m doing a quick search gutter ball
Yeah. Eventually it will be. That’s a whole other conversation for us to have, Danny, about AI and so forth. I talked about that on stage at this comedy club, and I had AI write jokes about this city for me. And I said, you know, people ask me, are you worried about AI taking over the entertainment business, the comedy business? you know, stand up comedy. And then I, I had, I said, Hey, I wrote these jokes to me and I read these jokes and they were so, they were terrible. And I go, you know, I rest my case. Can I continue with my show now? But yeah, so I would say, uh, to promote, uh, dannyjohnson.com, all my social media links are on there and truly the best gift you can give a comedian that you enjoy, uh, that you’ve never heard of, uh, a gift, the best gift is to follow them on social media. Unfortunately,
Everything is based on a lot of stuff. It’s just the first question I get is how many followers do you have? So Facebook and TikTok is at Danny Johnson comedy. And, uh, I put out, I put out what I think is good content and it is entertaining, you know, feel free to follow like comment, but my new special, I hope to hit a million before the middle of the year. Um, and that would really open up a lot of doors that for whatever reason, that number on YouTube is pretty special and I’m almost at 200,000. you know, give it a shot. I think you’ll like it. You’ll be very surprised. One of, and I’ll leave with, I don’t want to keep you any longer, but the best compliment I got on a comment on my new special, and it goes to show you the power of what people perceive as quality and non-quality based on follower count. This comment was what one would call a backhanded compliment. I did not take it that way. I knew what the guy’s intent was. His
comment was something to the effect of wow this special is not only hilarious and having me laughing out loud but the production quality is amazing it’s nice to see this on such a small platform so his expectation based on my follower count his expectations were low and i think that goes for a lot of you know people just assume high follower count talent and sometimes that’s true um but Give the little guy a shot, and you can quickly move on. No one will know. But I think if you give me a shot, you’ll like what I put out there. There you go. Give me a shot. You’ll like it. Danny, thanks so much. I really appreciate you being here. Everybody, check it out. Everything bothers me. It’s totally relatable. I can tell you that right now. Check it out on YouTube on his website at DannyJohnson.com. Yeah. Thanks for having me.
Yeah, thanks for being here. Give me just a second. I’m going to hit a button. Stick around for just a moment afterwards. And everybody else, we’ll see you next time.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

glad you could quench your thirst before we get started. Yeah. Thank you. Hey, everyone. Miles Tidal here with Static Radio Podcast 2026. Miles has got the suds, everybody. Yeah. I’ve got the suds. Oh, man. Just like SpongeBob, he’s got the suds. I look like the last crap you just took, man. Holy shit. Well… Let’s not. I mean, that’d be a lot of crap. I don’t think that I can have that kind of output. Yeah. Well, it’s a brand new year. Happy New Year, Miles. I’m sorry you’re feeling bad, but you are soldiering on. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. I’ll be all right. Yeah. So anybody who wants to give us cards or send flowers, they can send them to Miles. Yeah, if I don’t make it, just send them to Bob. No, I don’t want them. Now, every new year since, I think, 2011, we’ve been doing this. Well, Miles has been doing it mostly. I just help facilitate. Yeah. The predictions for the year from the Polish Nostradamus.
Some are funny, some are strange, some are wishful thinking, some are cryptic. I don’t know. And then here lately, over the last maybe about 10 years, you’ve made a bet. So far, nobody’s really had to pay out. Well, there was a time last year, I believe. What’s that? You had to cough up some Chick-fil-A money for… I said Michael would be… Oh, you’re right. Yeah, the Golden Girls. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So, well, there you go. Close, but not quite close enough. That’s why it was Chick-fil-A money instead of Twin Anchors money. Yeah. So you want me to run down last year’s list before we go to this year’s list? I’ll give you a moment there to clear out your sinuses. It won’t help. Go ahead. In no particular order, last year’s predictions were, Miles always does a football prediction. Last year, he said the Kansas City Chiefs versus the Detroit Lions. Detroit would win. Neither of them were in the Super Bowl.
Just so you know. Bob enters a contest to meet the Australian breakdancer and have a dance-off. He loses. I don’t know if people remember the Australian breakdance lady from last year. Illinois passes a tax credit of $500 for pet ownership. Disaster results. Michael auditions for Ma on the stage show of Golden Girls, which there was kind of a close hit there. Pablo has a new show on Plausible called Pablo Tickle My Funny Bone, the panel show that did not come to pass, although Pablo is doing a live comedy out in California. Yeah. The Ding Dong Show or something, I think. Punch My Fart Box. Yeah. Smidge gets upstaged by Miles doing air guitar at one of his shows, and he’s pissed. I don’t think that ever came about. No, no.
And then Miles always likes to talk about celebrity deaths, which many lately, I don’t know who you’re going to pick this year, but last year you picked Will Wheaton, Kathy Bates, and Simon Pegg. Thankfully, none of those people passed away. Many of the mailman turns out to be in the witness protection program and not actually a mailman. He’s retired now, so he’s not actually a mailman, but jury’s still out on the witness protection program. Yeah. Bob refuses to give gas to Jenna Fisher when she runs out near his house. Jenna Fisher is from St. Louis. I actually was in close proximity to her sister at one point. Like in her underwear drawer? Jenna Fisher’s sister. I can’t go into the details. Those are court sealed. Okay.
A Hawaiian game show called The Floor is Lava, which there is a game show called The Floor is Lava, but it’s not a Hawaiian one. Trump outlaws planking but encourages parkour. That may have happened. I don’t know. There’s a lot of things happening right now. Yeah. Updated version of The Warriors with Danny Trejo, Ted McGinley, Antonio Fargus, and Joyce DeWitt. I don’t think that ever got off the ground, but it should have. Yeah. A referee dies during a rope A robot woman’s oil wrestling because of a short circuit. The referee was George Takei. Wow, that got dark. Yeah, that did not happen. And then we did settle up for the Golden Girls thing. Instead of 20 anchors, I gave you some Chick-fil-A money. Mine was…
I refuse to give gas to Jenna Fisher. Miles was going to do all expense paid trip to the arcade of my choice. So yeah, that was last year’s predictions. Uh, what, what have you got for us this year? No stro one. Are you going to be able to do this? I’m sorry. Miles is going to be dead by the time this doc holiday doc holiday. Uh, All right, let’s just do it. Seahawks versus Denver Broncos. Broncos win. Seahawks versus Broncos. Broncos win. I’m typing these out, so Broncos win. Okay. I have no comment on that whatsoever. I never pick these right anyway, so it doesn’t really matter. I would not bet on what Miles. Sports betting is legal in Missouri, but I would not bet on what his choices are.
Yeah. Okay, that’s one. I do 13 of these, by the way. You know, you’ve been swinging with a lot of older people. Yes. Which is very good. I’m glad you’re getting healthy and living life. You’ve mentioned that you’ve been in the locker room with some nude dudes. Right, yes. There’s going to be a mishap that stops you from going, and it’s that you get hit in the face with a dong accidentally. Gets dong slapped in the locker room. I hope that doesn’t come to pass. I don’t know why. Even if they had an incredibly long dong, I don’t think I’m that close to anybody. It doesn’t have to be really long. Maybe the guy loses his balance. I’m just saying. I’m just saying.
I love… I don’t want these to happen. I love how you like to humiliate me in these predictions. Yeah, well, I’m not going to humiliate me. I mean, come on. All right, number three. Number three. I got to keep going here before I die here. Yeah, we got to get this done before you keel over. New… God, I can’t even read tonight. I can’t read my own writing. New Japanese game show called Beat the Goose. Beat the Goose. Mm-hmm. There might be something I already called that. Three middle-aged men go around a public area goosing like co-ed women. The one who gooses the most wins $200. They’re dressed like geese. The other two that don’t win, they are beaten with bamboo Buy the ladies that they’ve goosed. That’s a lot there. To me, that’s like some kind of fantasy of yours. I don’t know where that came from. A lot of thought gone into that one. I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. There’s a lot of sleeping nightmares in this. Yeah, I think that that was one of those ones where you woke up with a boner. And you’re like, honey, it’s a miracle.
Yay, beat the goose. It’s a miracle, a true little spectacle, a miracle come true. Get my goose uniform out of the closet, please. Honk, honk, honk, honk. All right, number four. Our friend, our mentioned before man in the mailman, takes a cruise and by some miracle is the only person on the boat who doesn’t come down with explosive diarrhea. Yeah. And doesn’t get… How do you spell diarrhea? D-I-A-R-R-A. Yeah. Miracle. Miracle. It’s called the miracle on water. One, two, three, four. Okay. That’s four. That’s four. Number five. Five. You know, I like to do something political, you know, because everyone likes politics. The president announces he’s building a landing pad for extraterrestrials. Oh, really? Yes. What is it called? Ah, what? It’s called the Trump pad. Trump pad. Yeah, no, I didn’t think that far ahead of that one. I’m sorry. Okay. Trump pad. We should get Siraj does the Indian Trump. He could do a thing about that. Or as I like to call him, which he hates, Siraj. Siraj, yeah. I know he hates that. Yeah.
Trump announces a landing pad for E.T. Okay. Number six. You know, I just say, but a lot of the sub characters from Three’s Company have died. I think Larry and Lana died. So not that I do not want this to happen, but let’s keep going. Janet, Terry and Cindy. They’re all going to die. So you think the remaining Three’s Company stars, Janet, Terry, and Cindy will pass? Maybe while they’re doing autographs or something? Well, I don’t really put it out there how it’s going to happen. I just say it’s going to. Yeah. Have you seen them recently? I watched Joyce DeWitt, yeah. Yeah, poor Cindy. She got some bad some bad choice for Yeah, I know. I didn’t want to be mean, but yeah. She had some bad something. Plastic surgery. She got
She got some Bakelite surgery. Yeah. Thank you. Number seven. We have a guest. We have a fan CB. Yeah, so good old CB. And come to find out he has OCD. Really? Maybe that’s the only reason he keeps listening. And he carries three dice in his pocket. Okay. And he says he’ll get naked if he rolls all ones. Okay. Has it ever happened? I don’t know. I didn’t get that far into these. I just, you know, I wrote these down. Another one of your dreams where you woke up with a boner? I did, yeah. I’m like, hey, wouldn’t that be funny if… It’s the CB, I’m just saying, you know. That is an interesting… That’s pretty specific, you know. Yeah, I know. Does he have other number combinations? If he rolls those, something happens? Box cars, I don’t know. You see the brown starfish or something. I don’t know. I just wonder if there’s a chart we need to make. A chart. A chart. A Yachtsy chart. Yachtsy! Yachtsy! I didn’t make it!
It’s Three Dice Yahtzee. We know a guy named Michael Gardner. And his thing, he does a lot of stuff. And he is like an extra, I guess, if you will. Yeah, he does extra work in the movies. And I don’t know the particulars, but he’s dressed up as an eggplant in one film. Okay. It’s a giant eggplant. Uh-huh. With glasses and his dumb beard and mustache. Sticking out. In a movie? In a movie, yeah. He’s a background guy. Okay. That’s interesting. It’s very specific. I don’t know. I can’t. I don’t know. He’s singing, I am the eggplant. I am the eggplant. I think he’s got like a big cigar or two or something. Maybe he’s starring in an extra in the real-life emoji movie. Because, you know, they made an emoji movie that was a cartoon. Maybe they’re putting everybody in emoji suits and having a movie made like that. Yeah. It could be. It could be. It could be. And then, of course, the eggplant would factor into me getting hit in the face in the locker room. What?
could be. Number nine. Let’s move on everybody smidge developed he develops his own cat language. Including licking himself. His own cat language yes he he thinks he can talk to cats. Including licking himself. Yeah, and he says it all makes more power to him, I think. So now he can communicate with cats. He just makes a language that he thinks cats will understand. Yes. The second, yes. But we don’t know for sure if they do because we can’t talk to cats. Yeah, he’s a weirdo. No one knows. No one really knows. Is this something he does on stage? Because, you know, he is a… Mostly at home, I would think. Okay, just checking. The nude licking he does, yes. Oh, it’s nude licking. Okay. Nude licking, yeah. Well, this may get to the starfish thing that CB had. Yeah, it could be. Yeah, it could be. When he rolls boxcars. Yeah. Number 10. Miles will be on time this year. Oh, my gosh. You better add to that because that’s my bet. Oh, shit.
You want to put a caveat at the end of that? Because I’m betting that is not going to happen. And I’m going to bet big. I’m going to take that bet right there, Devon. Because I’m the best you ever seen. Devon, run, run, boys, run. Okay. Miles will be on time for the show this year. Okay, yeah. Never, ever, ever, ever going to happen. Cannot be late. Okay. This is good. Give it a week. Yeah. I didn’t say these are good. I’m just saying. This is your decongestant speaking. Yeah. Okay. Number 11. Everything goes downhill. Sorry, man. I ran out of ideas here. Disneyland is going to sink this year. Disneyland in California? Yeah. Not Disneyland. Disney World. Disney World. I was going to say Disneyland is on pretty solid ground. Let’s go Disney World. How’s that? That’d be more probable. You’re going to sink into the swamp. Okay. That could be happening. The Reedy Creek Improvement District made this band and then they’ll just sink right into the swamp. That’s right. And Bob will have nowhere to go on vacation. Yeah, I won’t have
I won’t be able to rotate that into my vacation schedule. By the way, on that note, my wife listened to the show and she’s like, wow, he’s really got to bug up his butt about us going on vacation. I… Okay. I guess so. I don’t know. No, I just thought, what, four? No, I think it was three. It was a… A big year. Alaska, Michigan, Colorado. Uh-huh. That’s it. No, there’s a fourth one in there somewhere. Going across the river doesn’t count. I don’t know. No, we just had the three, so the plan was to have two, and then Alaska got tossed in there because we got a good deal. No, I’m glad you said that. I live through you, okay? My life is so horrible, I have to live through you, okay? Yeah, well, right now, that’s for sure. Yeah, that’s what a shithole I live in, yeah. So Disney World’s going to sink into the swamp in 2020. Sorry, you know, Mrs. LeBent, sorry. Yeah, okay. Sorry. Number 12. All right, let’s finish this thing. Illinois teachers can now…
have gummy pot gummies in class. Can they give them out? Uh, sure. Why not? Yeah. The governor approves it. That’s what I’m saying right now. So they can have them for themselves and for any of these students. Yeah. You get a gold star, you get a gummy. Why not? Oh, Hey, well, Illinois is a quite aggressive state. Yeah. And, uh, I, could see this happening without a law. Yeah. Just to, you know, it’s kind of like, remember a long time ago there was a Saturday Night Live fake commercial called Puppy Uppers and Doggy Downers? Yeah. Something like that for the kids, right? And number 13. And now I actually think this might be the one that would actually come true. Some old fart dies and he has a penny funeral in that in his casket he is basically buried with pennies because they’re not making pennies anymore. Oh, gotcha. And the casket dies and takes his pennies with him. And people can contribute too. That’s a good idea. And he’s buried like that. You’re going to laugh, but I got a whole
Like shoebox full of pennies. I believe. Oh, really? Yeah. I do. Is this post-fire or pre-fire? This is post because they were bequeathed to me. Oh, I see. Yeah. And I was going to get rid of them and then they’re like, we’re going to get rid of the penny. And I’m like, well, maybe I’ll just hold on for a while. Cool. Yeah, I got some I’m keeping too. Just in case. I could see you doing this. You’d be like, I’ve got an idea. Yeah, Old Fart dies and takes Penny with him to the grave. Yes. In his casket. Yeah. Wow. The most likely of the bunch, I think. Well, yeah, it could be. And then, you know, there’ll be grave robbers for the old pennies. Yeah, we made $400 of them.
The pennies I have are old pennies and they are actually worth three cents a piece currently. They will only probably go up is my guess. It’s not like I got a million of them or a hundred million of them. Anyway, enough about that. Let me go through the list one time for everybody real quick just to give it, and you tell me if I’ve made any mistakes. Starting from the beginning, Seahawks versus Broncos. The Broncos win the Super Bowl. Bob gets long slapped in the locker room. Normally you giggle uncontrollably at most of these, but because you’re so sick, I guess it’s not happening. Then this is the really complicated wet dream that you conveyed. Japanese game show called Beat the Goose. Three middle-aged men compete dressed as geese goosing college-age women on campus. Most gooses win. Loser gets beaten with bamboo. That’s a complicated one there. Many of the mailmen take some cruise and doesn’t get diarrhea. Miracle. I got to put miracle. I didn’t
that on there. Let me add miracle. It’s a miracle. Blue spectacle. Trump announces a landing pad for E.T. That’s right. It’s going to be the best landing pad. Then number six, the remaining three company stars, Janet, Terry, and Cindy will pass. That’s a negative one there. Yeah. All right. I don’t pay the favorites. CB has OCD and carries three dice and says he will get naked if he rolls all ones. And then anytime. Michael is an eggplant and movie as an extra. Ridge develops his own cat language, including licking himself. Yes. Here’s my favorite number 10. Miles says he will be on time this year for the show. Every week. That’s never going to happen. Disney World is going to sink into the swamp. Illinois teachers can have CBD gummies in class and give them out. Old fart dies and takes his pennies with him to the grave in his casket.
So which one do you think is going to come true? I’m going Penny Funeral. Penny Funeral, okay. Miles takes Penny Funeral. And what is your – if I take this bet, what am I going to be passing on to you? What’s the bet here? If the penny funeral happens? You have to take me on your next vacation. Holy shit. That’s not good. This is a crazy thing, Miles. I don’t even know if we’ve discussed this openly, but at one point I said… Let’s go to Carbondale. Come down. I will pay for everything. And you didn’t come. You didn’t show up. No, but like your whole family, like I go with. No, I cannot make that bet because there’s no way. There is no way in hell that I could ever, you know. I’m not allowed to talk. I just sit there. No, even with that, because we’d be stopping like every 10 minutes.
to go to the bathroom with you. We’d have to give you like a cup. That would get awkward real quick. All right. All right. God damn. All right. So you got to pick something else. Never going to happen. I could foresee in the future potentially me and my wife meeting you and your wife somewhere separately. Yeah. during a vacation-like thing and then separately leaving. But there’s no way I’m sticking you in the center seat in the van and driving you somewhere. We do a wife swap. No, no. Yeah, we do a wife swap. I don’t think so. Not that there’s anything wrong with your wife. Like a week-long trip. No, I don’t think so. Okay, that wouldn’t work. Yeah, it’s going to have to be lunch or something. You’re swinging that bat hard tonight. All right, we’ll have lunch or go to the arcade. Miles is so sick, he’s just giving up. I don’t care. At this point, I won’t be around to collect. Where would you like to go? You want to mention the place? I…
You can buy me lunch at Mariska’s in Crest Hill. Okay. Lunch at Mariska’s. I don’t even know how to spell that. Mariska. That’s close enough. Yeah. Well, I don’t… The one that… I can’t take your… You actually phrased it perfectly. I can’t take the one where you’ll be on time because you’ll never do it. So I can’t… on something that will happen, not something that will not happen. And that’s definitely not going to happen. I’m going to go with Trump announces the landing pad for you, because I think that he may do that. That sounds plausible. Yeah, I think that the potential is high. E.T. landing pad. Okay. And what am I putting out there if that happens? Oh, you have to take me to one of your cornfield comic cons and pay for any autographs I want. Okay. The cornfield one. I’m not going to make you come down here where it’s really expensive. All right.
All right. There’s some good ones coming up. Uh-huh. Comic-Con. And pay for all my autographs. Oh. Those are usually 40 bucks a piece. Yeah, well, you’re loaded. What do I… For now, yeah. Look at all these fancy pennies you’re hoarding. Come on. You don’t like the wife-swapping vacation, though, huh? No, I’m not even going to consider that. Or me coming out on a legitimate family vacation with your family. No. That would not work. No, I don’t think that that’s… Totally unannounced. You’re like, oh, we’ve got to make a stop here. Hold on. No. And I’m allowed one bag. No. You’re like, what the hell is this? Yeah. No, I… I think it would be nice at some point if we could go on a vacation together with San’s family, right? San’s family. No family. Okay. But separate. All separate. Okay. Because I think it would be fun. It would be funny. Yeah. You know? I could see us going on a different cruise. Yeah.
that might be funny. I don’t do cruises. No, no, you should try. You should try. Well, next time your family comes, I’ll just coincidentally be there. You’ll be like, oh, that’s funny. We could go on a Star Trek cruise or something like that. They have these cruises that are like Comic Cons. Right, they do. Yeah, there was one for Kevin Smith, the View Askew cruise. Yeah. I don’t think I want to go on that one. There may be one like that. To be honest with you, I don’t want to go to the Caribbean or anything. I would rather go on a cruise. Actually, you can go on a cruise on the Mississippi, believe it or not. You can, yeah. Maybe something like that. Then we can just kick you right out and you can make it home on your own.
Well, yeah, we could do that. I’ll think about it, you know. Yeah, yeah. I just show up, you know, with your family there. No, no, no. At this point, since you verbalized this, I cannot talk about any of my plans. I show up, I handcuff me to you. Like you did in Practical Jokers with the mime, you know. Right, yeah, uh-huh. Just stuck with me for like 24 hours. I think when we went to Michigan, there was some concern that you were going to show up on the island. No, I hate that idea. Because you said you were going to, and then you have relatives up in Michigan, and so I thought, uh-oh. No. He may actually just be there. No. I hate that idea.
Well, there you go, Potion of Sadomas, even though he is deathly ill. I am deathly ill. Still gave his predictions, and oddly enough, didn’t giggle through the whole damn thing this time, which is interesting as well. Sorry, gang. It’s as good as it’s going to get. I think that says it all.

Transcript (AI transcription)

Hey, Frankie. How’s it going tonight? I’m doing great, Bob. What’s going on tonight? Happy New Year. Oh, it’s true. Happy New Year. Did you see any lights in the sky? Do you believe it? We had a meteor go right over the St. Louis Arch on New Year’s Eve. Oh, really? I was inside on New Year’s Eve at a party. It was minus 20 outside on New Year’s, so we stayed under the mini splits with with everything we needed. Didn’t even look inside. It was so freaking cold. We’re good. So let’s just start it off. We’ll talk to Frankie here and find out more about him, and then we’ll go into our story for this week. Frankie, staying inside in negative 20 degrees, why? I mean, come on, you’re Canadian. Oh, my God. Well, like, I’m not sure if you can see it real well, but my hands are so cracked. The cold weather just does not do my hands any good. So I just cover it in, like, before I went on, I just covered it in, what do you call it, the…
What do you call it? The gel. I use it so much now I can’t even remember what it’s called. The cream, the cream. Anybody listening who can tell me what that cream is called? What do you want to call it? Utter butter? Have you ever used that stuff? Working cream. I think it’s called like working hand cream or something like that. Something like that. Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s actually real. You guys can look that up on maybe like Amazon. I just get it from our local grocery store. Uh, but i normally pokes myself in that like God, uh, it’s right now it’s minus, uh, seven. I’m just checking my, uh, temperature there. Uh, minus seven out right now. I feel like, a a meteorologist right now with the microphone and I’m, what’s it look like outside tonight frankie well right well bob right now it’s cold. So I’m staying in and i’m calling in sick. it’s 34 degrees here. Thank goodness.
Plus on negative seven. Gosh. Oh, my God. No, it’s unreal. I will trade with you right now. Well, everybody, Frankie runs Corcoran Entertainment. He is in Canada, specifically somewhere in New Brunswick. I can’t remember exactly where, and I’m not going to tell you just in case he doesn’t want me to. Anyway. What’s that? Miramichi, New Brunswick. Miramichi? Yeah. I won’t give you my exact address, but you got an idea of where that is. It sounds like a cherry, like Maraschino, Maraschino. Or people joke, they say Mayor McCheese. Mayor McCheese runs Mayor McCheese runs Maraschino. That’s pretty good. Well, he’s all the way on the east side of Canada. Yeah, I’m an east coaster. He’s an east coaster. Yeah, so. It’s all good, though. And so if you want to find out more about Frankie, you can go to at Corcoran Entertainment on the Instagram and Facebook.com slash Corcoran Entertainment. He and I have talked many, many times on his show, which is available on all platforms. And you should check it out. I’m in awe. Frankie gets the best people. I’m telling you. You have to go check it out. He’s always got somebody good. And
I don’t know how he does it, but he keeps it up. I’m surprised. Bob Lament. I always get Bob Lament on. I’ve had Bob on how many times? He’s easy. Just recently, you added almost like a service on your website, which is need a guest? Call Bob, essentially. I love that. That’s right. I’ve been pushing to be a guest. I’m like, you need somebody to talk? I’ll come on. Someone’s funny. as soon as I saw that, I said, you and I kind of joked about it the last time you were on my show last month. And so I saw that I said, Oh, he took what I said to her. I said, it was good advice. I was just joking. I made a joke. I was like, well, Bob, you’re, you’re always my go-to if I need someone. And then you’re, and then after we stopped recording, you’re like, you know, when you said that, you know, anytime you need someone, like, let me know. I said, and that’s good. Bob will show up like whenever you need them. And it’s,
Scheduling-wise, for some people, it’s always, okay, so when are you free? Oh, I’m free at this time, but not after this time. If you tell Bob, he’s like, I’ll make it work. So anybody listening who needs a guest, Bob is the man. He’s always up for really anything. There’s not even much preparation whenever I have you on my show. We just press record. whatever comes out goes, and it’s gold. That’s the way I like to work, too, without a net. I love to just go into it and see what happens. Were you kind of like that when you started Static Radio? Oh, yeah. We never prep. We never prep for anything. That’s the good part and the terrible part because sometimes it’s really good and sometimes it’s, you know, maybe we should have prepped. Okay, because it’s funny because
When I started, I was kind of the opposite. I literally had like bulletin boards of like, almost like I was a homicide detective who’s like, okay, so then how am I going to segue into this part here? And then now I’m just like, ah, just roll with it. You know what I mean? I said, you know, because half the time I would put in all the work trying to come up with different ways to segue into certain topics. And then eventually there was one point where I just ignored it and we just spoke from the heart, and I just said, yeah, just don’t stress about it. When I started, I was kind of stressing too much about it. So it’s just go with the flow. What happens, happens. If they hate you, then they don’t have to come on again. But it is what it is, right? But clearly, Bob’s been having a good time coming on the show because he keeps coming back, and I appreciate it.
Oh, no, it’s fantastic. I mean, a fantastic show. You’re great to talk to. And we go through so many different topics. It’s fun. It’s fantastic. And tonight, this is a choice point for you. Because whenever we talked about doing this, I said, do you want to know or do you not want to know? And so this is another choice point. So I do a quiz each show about the topic. Now, I’ll give you the choice to hear what the topic actually is, or you can go in cold and just take the quiz. Ah, let me see. Might be more entertaining to go in cold. Oh, I love that. That’s what I would say. It matches my current environment where it’s cold. So let’s embrace it. All right, so we’re gonna go right into the quiz. Here’s some music.
Quiz. All right, Frankie. So we’ve got five questions for you about the topic tonight, and they’ll kind of reveal itself as we get into the quiz a little bit here. So it’s multiple choice, so you don’t have to work too hard. Thank God. I was going to say, I should have checked with that. I said it better be multiple choice because then I’m going to feel like an idiot. And hopefully there’s a few things in the quiz that you should know probably anyway. More than likely. It starts out easy, gets harder as we go. Here’s your first question. Are you ready? Ready. Okay. So this is in what year did the sisters witness the UFOs over Campbellton? And that is in New Brunswick, by the way. Right. Which you may be familiar with. Yeah. Look at that. Yeah. About an hour or so away from me. Hour and a half. Yeah. Campbellton. Like, yeah. So A, 1979. 1979.
B, 1989, C, 1999, or D, the year they finally finished construction on the Trans-Canada Highway? So never. Um… Never. Never? Never? Oh, Frankie, let’s see. Hold on. The year was 1989. i shoot i was actually going back and forth between that and never. I’m like, something tells me no. That’s all right. That’s the first one. Don’t feel bad and and you had totally cold. You didn’t get any information that’s good it’s more it’s more entertaining that way for people to just be like, why didn’t he Or like, why did he go and call, you know? Because that would be kind of bland, folks. So question number two, over which specific landmark were the objects seen hovering? Here’s your choices. A, Mount Carlton. B, the Rustigosh River. C, Sugarloaf Mountain. Or D, the world’s largest axe in Nacowick.
Sugarloaf. Oh, no, no, no. Mel Carlton. Oh. Don’t tell me. So close. Sugarloaf Mountain. It was Sugarloaf. Son of a gun. I was like, I said it, and I said, no, I think Mel Carlton. Crap. I should have just trusted my gut. Yeah, exactly. You should have trusted your gut, and you would have had it. That’s okay. There’s no consequences here, so it’s not like that’s a big deal. Just the audience will look at me and go, that guy’s dumb. No, they won’t. They’ll go say, hey, I got to listen over at Frankie on Corcoran Entertainment right there at Corcoran Entertainment. Hey, they’re perfect. I like that. There you go. So question number three. What was the reported shape of the three crafts? Here’s your choices. A, disc-shaped.
B, cigar-shaped, C, triangular, or D, shaped like a giant denier with extra sauce? What was the first one again? Disc shape. Disc shape. I’m going to say that. Disc shape. Let’s see if you got it. That’s okay. That’s okay, Frank. That was a good guess because those are all… flying saucer shapes. I was going to say, I said, I was like, which of all of them fits a flying saucer? And I was like, okay, I said, not a, not a donair for sure. So there’s always a goofy one in here. So number four, question number four, which law enforcement agency officially logged the event as an unexplained sighting? Here’s your choices. The RCMP, Royal Canadian Mounted Police. The New Brunswick Provincial Police. CSIS. Or a group of concerned moose wearing reflective… A group of concerned moose wearing reflective vests. RCMP. Oh, wow. RCMP. That was quick. Perfect. You got that one right. RCMP. I love when the sound effects come on. Your mouth…
It makes me laugh. I can’t separate them, unfortunately. There’s music coming and he’s just… Here we go. I love that. Now I made my eyebrows raise on that one for you. Okay, so you got that one. Fantastic. Fantastic. We’ve got one last one. This is a weird one. How did the Royal Canadian Mint recognize this event in 2021? A, a commemorative postage stamp. B, a gold bullion bar. C, a $20 silver glow-in-the-dark coin, or D, by making the world’s largest lobster in Shadiac glow green at night? A commemorative post-amp. Oh. Sorry. That was close, though. It was actually a $20 silver glow-in-the-dark coin. This is why I didn’t want you to see you jumped on early. I didn’t want you to see. I was going to show you that it’s real. Here it is. Can you see that on your screen now? Oh, yes. Where’s that on? Is that on? That’s on the Canadian Mint website. There it is. This is the coin. Oh, shoot. There’s the back of it and the front of it came in this little box. I didn’t know if that existed or not. Oh, that’s really cool.
There you go. Isn’t that wild? I’ll do better. Well, you did fantastic. You cannot do wrong on this show, and you cannot do wrong with the quiz. You know, kudos to you for going in cold and giving it a shot. You know, I’m sure 1989 was probably before you knew about anything. Yeah, and that would have been 10 years before I was born. Yeah, see? So, Exactly. I don’t even think my parents were married that Oh, no, wait, hold on. Yeah, they were married then. Okay. They were married, but you weren’t you weren’t in the picture yet no my my sister wouldn’t have even been born yet. My sister or my brother, they’re older than me, so they would have been born a few years later. There you go well let me tell you let me tell you the story here about this. And this is the new brunswick’s most famous uh ufo story
and I’m going to read you a little bit here, and then we’re going to talk about it. So in November 1989, a notable UFO sighting occurred in Campbellton, New Brunswick, involving two sisters who witnessed an extraordinary display over Sugarloaf Mountain. While the sisters were on Van Holm Crescent, they observed three large triangular crafts hovering silently in the night sky. The objects were described as having distinct lights and exhibited flight patterns that defied conventional physics, including the ability to move forward, backward, and then at incredible speeds before vanishing into the darkness. The event gained significant credibility because it was reported to local authorities and eventually acknowledged as an unexplained sighting by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, the RCMP. Even NORAD, the North American Aerospace Defense Command, was consulted, confirming that there was no known rocket launches or military exercises in the area at the time. The sighting remains one of Canada’s most famous close encounters with
It was so impactful that the Royal Canadian Mint commemorated the event in 2021 with a special $20 silver glow-in-the-dark coin as part of its Canada’s Unexplained Phenomenon series. Can you believe it? That’s cool. Actually, wow. That’s really neat. Here, I should show that coin again. It’s unbelievable. What fight is that on again? It’s on the Canadian Mint. There we go. So it’s mint.ca. I’m in, obviously, the English section. And you can go search for it. They call it the unexplained phenomenon, the Yukon encounter. It costs you $100.12 US if you want to buy this coin. But it’s pretty cool looking. Which, to Canadian, that converts to more. That’d be, what, $130-ish? $130, $140. Yeah. So, yeah, you can even buy this coin. coin that commemorates the event. That’s cool. That’s really, really neat. So what, uh, so what is your, um, thoughts on UFOs? That’s the big question, Frankie, where are you at on this UFO phenomenon? Do I think they’re real? Do I think they’re, uh, you know, it’s, it’s kind of, um, a hoax. Um, I think deep down, uh,
it’s always so tricky to say with some of those, because I think probably, you know, I think, I think the people believed what they saw for sure. I think that there was no doubt about that, that they believed what they saw, but I, I, I don’t think it was at all what they were thinking. That makes any sense. So you, your thought is that they saw something. but you don’t think it was something that would be in the traditional sense, a UFO, uh, meaning that it’s not from someplace else. That’s what I think. It’d be like you, you looking outside and seeing a, what, what to you looks like a big black dog and you’re like, Oh my God, that’s a really cute dog. And then you approach the dog and it turns out to be a grizzly bear. You know, I think that’s the type of situation where they’re like, Oh my God, it’s a UFO. And,
Oh no, it’s something else. Like, you know what I mean? Like that’s what I personally think anyway, but. So is that across the board? Would you say any siding, not just particularly this siding, but any siding would be something that you would consider misidentification? I think so. Like, I mean, even like there’s so much, there’s so many things out there that people say like is real. Like, uh, it’s one of those, uh, situations that someone, I saw someone made this, uh, made this post. It was on Reddit or some of that. And any kids listening parents, if you’re listening to this with your kids, cover their ears and turn this off. Um, there’s some people on Reddit. Someone had this, uh, subreddit one time. Cause I scroll through Reddit all the time. Someone had this theory that Santa Claus is in fact real. Um, and for me, I’m like, maybe,
but no, you know what I mean? Like it’s, it’s, uh, they presented a lot of, you know, theories and things like that. And I’m like, okay, like that’s interesting, but I don’t, I think you’re just grasping at straws here. You know what I mean? Like you’re just trying to get people to click on your subreddit. You know what I mean? Like, uh, yeah, like that’s how I say, and, and that’s not me at all trying to talk down to anybody who might think that, cause that’s everybody’s, thoughts like you know, everybody’s entitled to their own opinion. Uh, but, uh, you know, if you were to ask me me personally um i don’t think there’s nothing to it, you know, and same thing with the, with, uh, UFOs anyway. I mean, like there’s, uh, people have evidence or quote-unquote evidence that they have presented, um, whether it’s legit or not. Um, you know, a lot of it is kind of open to interpretation, I think.
Um, like you look at a lot of different things that happen throughout history. Um, you look at when jfk was assassinated and you have people who are analyzing the video, it’s online, the jfk assassination video. Uh, oh, what’s that? The Zapruder film is what it’s called. Is that what it’s called? Yeah. Oh, thumbs up. Thumbs up. There we go. Uh, um, no, it’s, it’s, uh, no, like, uh, It was like the actual footage of his assassination, like a black and white footage. Right. Exactly. Yeah. I can’t remember his first name, but a man named Zapruder was the one who took that footage when JFK got shot and turned it over to the government. He was just a person who was watching the motorcade who happened to be using an 8mm movie camera at the time and captured the footage of when he got shot.
Right. He wasn’t affiliated with anything or anyone. He was just a citizen that happened to be there and happened to catch it. And then after everything happened, he turned that film over to the authorities. Right. But then you’ll like, like I’ll see people theorizing that all coincidentally, he just happened to be filming right when the president got shot. You know what I mean? Yeah. But the, well, if your UFO, if you stick with your UFO logic, then yeah. That’s true. He just happened to be doing that because he was there for the motorcade and he filmed then because that’s when the president was coming by in front of him. He wouldn’t have filmed when he wasn’t coming by because it wasn’t like he was following along. He was in a set position. He was only, he was waiting for the president to come by. President comes by, he starts filming. Right. Well, same thing with like a Charlie Kirk where his assassination video is online and
And the reason why it was filmed is because people always filmed Charlie Kirk’s stuff. It’s different. There’s a different time. I mean, back then it was really unlikely for… Everybody couldn’t afford a movie camera. Everybody couldn’t afford to develop the film of a movie camera. And so you’re talking about… Zapruder was on the high end of people, right? So a very small percentage of people had… the means and the money to do that. Right. And so now though, everybody, I mean, I’m surprised we don’t get more stuff because everybody’s got a camera in their pocket that can film stuff. Literally just on their phones. Like I could be recording this entire conversation right now. You know what I mean? What would I use it for? I don’t know, but, uh, that’s the type of world that we live in now, you know, with, with, with, with,
cell phones. And, um, you know, it’s kind of like whenever, uh, you’re going to, um, you know, like a, a screening for like a movie or something like that, that you cannot film or, or, or divulge anything of what you saw. And, but then you have who filmed it, put just press record and stuck it in their breast pocket and walked in. Uh, there’s some of those things that you can’t control because everybody has some sort of device, recording device, whatever the case may be. And it can get out there just like that, you know? Yeah, exactly. Now back to our UFO thing. I’m going to throw a curveball here for you, Frankie. All right. Are you ready? Yes. Because you were in the camp. You were telling us you’re in the camp that you don’t believe that any of these sightings are probably all misidentification. You believe the people saw something. I’m just quoting. I’m not quoting you. Just tell me if I’m right in my interpretation here. Right. They believe what they saw.
but what they saw probably isn’t what they think. Exactly, exactly. It kind of goes back to my grizzly bear dog analogy. Oh, look at that nice dog. Oh, no, it’s a bear, you know? Oh, no, it’s a grizzly bear. That may happen in your part of the world more often than my part of the world. That happened years ago. This story, well, my grandmother won’t watch this probably, but there’s a dog when we always went to my grandmother’s house Uh, who’s 90, uh, going on 92 this year, uh, still going strong. And, uh, there was a time that, uh, she, she, uh, stepped outside like years ago to go grab the mail. And, uh, she looked up and, uh, there’s a dog that always, there was this chocolate lab that always came down the street to come see us. And she was, oh my God, like, you know, it’s, uh, so-and-so I can’t remember the dog’s name. And she walked up closer to like, oh, here, here, here, buddy, here, buddy. And then it was a bear. And she, she said she ran.
ran for the house. So that story there was kind of inspired. Uh, so yeah, she, she, she ran like a bat out of hell. That’s terrible. Your poor grandmother gets spooked by a bear well i i’m gonna throw i’m gonna throw a curveball in here because Frankie, I have seen a UFO. Really? Yes. In a movie? No, above my head in, in the real world. So, uh, It’s not been recently. Back in 2005, I was outside. It was 4 o’clock in the afternoon, which means it’s broad daylight. In the month of May, I think it was May 5th or something like that. So very well lit. It wasn’t dark. It wasn’t a light in the sky. And a sphere, a ball, a metal ball, flew over my head at what I would say would be
you know, like plane altitude, right? Approximately. I have no, I don’t, I’m not a pilot, so I have no idea, but I would guess somewhere around 5,000 to 10,000 feet. And I happened to be, my son was very small and we were watching for planes and I was, we saw planes go overhead and I go, Hey, look, And then this thing comes over, and it was not a plane. It was a sphere. And it was about four times the size of the front end of like a 747 nose cone kind of thing, right? But it was a ball, and it was metal because it was glinting in the sunshine. And it flew over us and went from all the way to the southwest, I think, all the way to the northeast.
southeast to the northwest. And, yeah, it was weird. It was really, really, really weird. It lasted maybe 30 seconds tops to get from horizon to horizon. And I didn’t catch the whole 30 seconds. So, yeah, I seen that, and it was totally bizarre. I can’t explain it. I didn’t get a picture because this was 2005, didn’t have a camera, and didn’t have a cell phone on. the time. I took a cell phone picture in 2005 and it would have been garbage anyway. Anyway, that’s part of I’m kind of tossing this at you, but that’s part of what the show is about because unexplained things happen all the time. And then the question becomes, and I totally agree with you because I think that I think a certain percentage, and it could be a high percentage, are exactly what you’re talking about. But
had I not had that experience myself, I would probably be totally in your camp. Now, I don’t know that it was something from someplace else. I just know it was something that I’ve never seen before and I’ve never seen since. And it’s something that doesn’t make any sense in our world. Why would you have a round aircraft of any sort? Because how would you land? I mean, it was like a all in the sky. And so anyway, so yeah, so then that changed my perspective and and so now i have to really think about it. So, um, the, uh, this one, and i think the other thing is interesting is this one, the campbellton one over sugarloaf mountain, two people saw it. Now for me, it was just me and i had two small children. They don’t remember anything.
my daughter and my son who were both very, very young at the time. And, um, and they didn’t even see it. I saw it and I stopped talking and just watched it and they were, we were swinging. And so they just kept swinging. And, um, and so, yeah, it was just me. Um, so, but anyway, I did talk about it on, on my show a long time ago. Um, but, uh, the interesting thing is it’s two sisters. They corroborate each other. And the fact that, um, that they reported it and that even the authorities were somewhat involved. And then they even went to the lengths of making a coin about it, which is just bizarre to me. Why would in the world would they make a coin? Other than money, I suppose. It was really interesting. The money part I understand, yes.
But anyway, so that’s where I give a little more credence because normally if you talk about these things, everybody poo-poos you, right? So they’re like, what is he talking about? And so the fact that they actually kind of took it a little bit serious tells me that we are in the ballpark, right? So we’re in the ballpark that it was either something secret or something else. Right. Or like maybe someone misinterpreted it or saw it, saw something that they, uh, they saw something that wasn’t what it, what they thought it was, you know? Or, or maybe it was something that they weren’t supposed to see. Right. Exactly. Some kind of military thing. Right. I don’t know. So, you know that i think there’s a a fundamental difference between, uh, Canada, United States, as far as stuff like this goes. I don’t know that. And I haven’t read enough, um,
to be educated on this, but on the Canada side, I don’t think that there’s a huge amount of kind of Canadian secrets that they hold from everybody. And then they come out and, you know, over years they come out and then, you know, some people were involved and they were all told they were idiots. And then the reality was they were all right. I haven’t heard of a lot of that happening in Canada. Canada seems to be, I mean, I’m sure they have military secrets and so forth, but they don’t seem to basically make their citizenry, they don’t scapegoat their citizenry as much as the United States does. The United States scapegoats their citizens constantly. It’s almost like a pastime. Anything happens, oh, well, they were obviously drunk or high or they totally cut into whoever the witness was.
to make them totally unreliable at that point where I don’t think that there’s a history of that in Canada. I don’t know. You can maybe talk to that more. I don’t know. Yeah, I’ll be honest. I’m not too, I’m not, I’m not sure what it, what, what the exact, um, how far back it goes in Canada. You know what I mean? Like, uh, like that history. Uh, that’s a good question actually. Um, But you haven’t heard of stuff like that where, you know, there’s been so many like studies. The big one is the Tuskegee Airmen where they gave them all syphilis on purpose to see what syphilis would do to them. They were, you know, and then whenever they said, hey, I didn’t do anything to get syphilis. And they’re like, oh, obviously you did. You did. Yeah.
You got it. And then these poor people, you know, suffered greatly. There’s one where the United States government dropped a bacterial agent on the city of San Francisco to see who would get sick. And when it happened, they denied everything. But the reality is it came out later that, yes, they had released a deadly bacteria in the city of San Francisco and it killed people and they denied it for like 50 years. And it goes on and on and on these things. And these are all documented at this point. They weren’t documented at the time they were denied, but now they’re documented. Right. So it’s, it’s interesting how I think, I don’t think Canada has a history of that as much in this, you know, World War II was a different time when,
things like that happened because of the situation that the world was in, but these all have happened after world war two. And so it’s kind of a weird, uh, uh, scenario that plays out, um, with this. So I forgot how we got on this top, but anyway, it has to do with the ladies, the ladies seeing this thing on above, uh, Sugarloaf mountain. Um, but it is interesting though. Don’t you think? I mean, the mysteries of the world, uh, fascinate me. And I think this is one of the good ones and it happens to be in your neck of the woods. No, exactly. And it’s one that i never really knew, uh, much about. You don’t even really think about it. Sometimes it’s funny when it’s so close to home, you don’t even really, you’re so concerned about what else is going on in the world like there’s always all the theories of, uh, was 9-11 an inside job. And, uh, that’s a whole other.
Well, Charlie Kirk, you mentioned Charlie Kirk. Well, JFK, they’re all conspiracies. No, exactly. Exactly. And like some of them, when they bring up valid points, I’m like, I certainly agree with that. And then it’s never, you know, you’re not always going to make everybody go to your side for sure. Like that’s something that’s when it comes to conspiracy theories or just theories in general, you’re not going to get everybody involved. all on your side. It’s everybody has their own interpretations of how things happened. Like, um, as we said, Charlie Kirk, uh, uh, JFK, um, even there was the, uh, Donald Trump assassination attempt, which, uh, people, people believe was a publicity stunt by him to get more votes. Like that’s a whole, there’s people listing theories about that. Like there’s probably so many subreddits about that. Uh,
But no, it’s good. But one thing for sure is that it keeps people talking. You know what I mean? It keeps people engaged. It keeps people in a weird way. You know what I mean? Like it keeps us to, you know, get off our phones and talk to people. I mean, I guess they’re on their phones to a degree because they’re researching all this stuff and seeing what all the big news outlets are saying. And then some of them will just mimic what those news outlets are saying. But no, it’s good, you know. brings people together. You know what I mean? Conspiracy theories bring people together in a way. That’s the wholesome, the wholesome way to look at it. Conspiracy theories always bring people together, which you can see as a good or bad thing. That’s true. That’s so true. Well, Frankie, thanks for being here tonight and thanks for talking about this with me. And I’m, I’m glad that at the very least, uh,
first of all, I’m glad you did the quiz cold, even though it didn’t turn out greatly for you as far as answering, right. Uh, one out of four, one out of four, right. That’s not bad. It’s still a fail, but it’s not bad. I thought I was going to get none of them. You didn’t even know it. You didn’t know anything. You went into a cold. That was great. I, the bravery it took to do that is, you know, that to me sets a bar, you know what I’m saying? But it’s all about making it entertaining. As I said, you know, like it’s more fun, you know, uh, like having different late, like I’d be, I’d be the worst jeopardy, uh, contestant, you know, like going on. And, and yeah, that’s why I would never go on jeopardy. I wouldn’t be able to work good under that type of pressure or, um, family feud. I could go on family feud and not do fast money. Like I could do like the regular game, but I could not do, I couldn’t do fast money. If my family said you, you’re the only one who can do it. I’d be like, all right guys, we like, sorry, Steve or Jerry, uh,
We surrender. But at least we brought out the knowledge of the Campbellton, New Brunswick UFO sighting from 1989 over Sugarloaf Mountain that has its own coin from the Royal Canadian Met, believe it or not. But everybody, you can see Frankie and his show at Corcoran Entertainment on Instagram, Facebook, Corcoran Entertainment, and his podcast is everywhere. Just look up Guess what? You have to look up Corcoran Entertainment. Go figure, right? But Frankie Corcoran, thank you for being my guest. Hold on just a second. I’m going to play us out some music, and I’m going to talk to you in just a second, but we’re going to close it out for everybody. Here we go. Perfect. Perfect.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Ooh. Derdek. Hey, it’s Miles. Hey, Miles. How are you doing tonight? Merry Christmas, Miles. Merry post-Christmas to you. Happy Boxing Day to you. I don’t celebrate, but yes, happy to you, yes. I wonder why we don’t celebrate Boxing Day. That’s something that you think we would have adopted. I’m not even sure what that is. I may have heard of it, but I really don’t even know what it is. There’s all these sales after Christmas in the UK and Canada and Australia. Yeah. And Boxing Day, it’s the day after Christmas. Oh, I guess. Actually, I didn’t know. I thought it was Christmas. I thought it was about that Brad Pitt movie. I didn’t know what it was. Yeah, you put heads in boxes. What’s in the box? What’s in the box? What’s in the box?
Yeah, we should, I would think it seems like all the British, uh, big british yeah countries do it, but we don’t do it. So I guess that’s probably, we’re not gonna do the boxing goddamn brits lolita would you enjoy some boxing? I think you wouldn’t, you would love to just say boxing day. You would like to keep asking people, um, what’s in their box. You got a box. Can I see your box? What’s in your box, mate? So did you have a good Christmas? I have a non-Christmas, but yeah. You’re not celebrating anymore? You’re Jehovah’s Witness now? No, it just hasn’t worked out yet. But eventually I will. Or not. Bum. Yeah. Whenever somebody gets up some gumption, they’ll get it done. We had our Christmas early, actually. I guess two days ahead of Christmas we had Christmas. Because that’s when everybody was available. Everyone’s home.
Everybody was home for a little bit. And, uh, so yeah, we did everything then. So big brother, Chuck Cunningham. Yeah. Everybody was there. You don’t see him as much. No, you don’t. Don’t see me after the first season, honestly. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. But, uh, no, yeah, we, we had a pretty good one, I would say. Your brother-in-law, was he there? Oh, yeah. Did he pee in your house again? You mean outside? Well, hopefully outside, yeah, because you caught him on camera last year, I think. Yeah, that’s right. That was a topic of conversation. But it was. Like, hey, man, Dave, I don’t want to go into this, but man. No, I didn’t even mention it. I think my son was like, hey, by the way. Uncle David?
I saw your wiener. Dad’s watching. No, we didn’t see anything. His back was to the camera, so. Oh, more than two shakes. The funny thing was, though, his front was to the neighbors. Yeah, so. Yeah. Whatever that means. No, let’s see. One of the big events was my brother-in-law took the kids to the casino and Ah, they went on an outing. I did not participate. It was weird. Cause your kids are only like five and six. It was a, a sweet pea situation. Popeye. He just left up in the lock car. Like I’ll be back. Which, which, which, which you like in the fifth race. Uncle David will be back. Don’t worry. No, they had a fun time. So yeah, I, I, I was forbidden from going, apparently. I said, maybe I’ll go. No. My wife’s like, you going? You would have ruined it. You’re such a tight ass. She’d be like, well, just the dollar. Yeah, that’s what she said. And once your dollar was gone, you’d be like, that’s it. I’m going home. That’s it. Yeah. Where’s the free drinks? I’m just going to Uber myself back to University Heights. That’s it. That’s right. The…
Yeah, they went and I think everybody won, but my future son-in-law, he did not win. But they only bet with their Christmas money, which I think sounds, I don’t know, there’s some kind of blasphemy in that if you ask me. Mr. Lament, I kind of lost my money. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Yeah, so it was… I want to picture this guy as like Christopher Lloyd from Taxi. That’d be funny. I’m going to marry your daughter. No, he’s not Christopher Lloyd. Who would he be? If I had to give him a character… No, it’d be funny though, wouldn’t it? If he was like… No! Yeah. Mr. Lament. I’m deeply in love with your daughter. Definitely not. Definitely not him. He’d be more of a Joe Pesci, I think. Yeah, yeah. Mr. Lamenti. Mr. Lamenti, say I’m funny. What do you mean I’m funny? How? Amuse you. How about a little bit more money for the casino there, tightwad? Oh, five. Yeah.
but yeah, I, my, everybody, well, I guess my daughter must not have lost as well, but my son and my brother-in-law both won. So they were happy. Yeah. I see that guy being a shyster. Like you just stick with me, kid. I’m going to show you how to run this. It, you know, I don’t, we don’t hear about the losses, but my brother-in-law has won considerable amounts. Yeah. Yeah. on football and various other sporting events. Yeah. You know, he’s not blinded by his, uh, fandom, uh, you know, where he just loses money because he has to vote for the, his favorite team. So I’m not sure you’re getting that there partner, but, uh, I think you know exactly what I’m talking about. Hey, I’m not a whore, man. I stay with my team, man. I hear you. Well, you’re not going to win any money. With that said, go Ravens! Yeah! No, I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding. That’s not my story, though. Actually, something happened just yesterday, and I am shocked that
I’m incredulous that I got this response. It just happened tonight. I got a new grill just ahead of Christmas, which I know you love to hear about that. You don’t talk about grills as much, so I will listen to this one. I got a new grill and then I said, well, we have to get a grill cover. Well, sure. I got a new grill and I got a new grill cover and It was so windy last night because we went from like 73 degrees down to 13. Yeah. And the wind just came through like, you know, God knows what. So anyway, I had the new grill. I used it and then I covered it up. And then tonight I went to go use it again. And I’m like, where’s the grill cover? Wow. It goes all around it. You know what I mean? Yeah.
It forms to the grill, right? It’s the shape of the grill. Form-fitting. Yeah. It’s made for the grill. Right. It’s like the skinny jeans of the grill. Exactly. Exactly. And so I’m like standing out there. I get it going. I’m cooking some chicken fajitas, which I know you love. I love. Yes. And you make really good chicken fajitas, by the way, everybody. Well, I don’t. My wife does. If you ever get invited over to Miles’ house, have the chicken fajitas. You can’t go wrong. Sure. And so then I’m making my chicken fajitas and I’m thinking, I’m like, where could this grill cover have gotten off to? Because it’s literally under a porch. Three words. St. Louis County is where it’s at. And the wind was coming towards it. So the wind would have blew it into the house, not away from the house. Right.
because we were facing west. And so I’m like standing out there and I’m like, wait a minute. So I noticed something while I was nodding off this afternoon out in the backyard on the back patio that looked like there’s other, we have other things on the back patio that are covered for the winter. And I thought, well, that’s weird. This thing looks like it’s not in where it should be. So I go around to the back patio and lo and behold, there’s the grill cover. Oh, okay. On the back patio near the door to get out there. Oh, okay. Also underneath an awning. Right. So I’m like, somehow the wind was able to, strip the grill of its cover, take this cover out of this, you know, kind of, it’s on three sides. It’s closed. There’s only one open side and that’s where the wind was coming from. Take it out of there, put it over the house and then deposit it underneath another area. Yeah.
And I was telling my wife, and I’m like, this is amazing. I can’t believe it. Normally, everything ends up in the woods, right? A box comes out of the garbage, it’s in the woods. And depending on how far in the woods it goes, whether I go get it or not, if I can’t hardly see it, it just stays in the woods. It’ll all be green in the spring, who cares? Right, right. This somehow gets out from underneath this enclosed space over the house or around the house, I don’t know. Magically. Into another slightly enclosed space. Like the magic bullet theory or something. I know. And I tell her, I’m like, this is amazing. She’s like, eh, it could happen. I’m like, no, you don’t understand. I was explaining to her, look, you don’t understand. The wind is coming.
It’s pushing it into the house. There’s no way. There’s nothing else missing up there. Just this. Well, those covers, they just blow around. Are you not understanding what the fuck I’m talking about? I’m like, no, no, you don’t. This can’t happen. Everything that blows around goes into the woods. It’s impossible. This thing should be in a tree somewhere. This is like your own Bigfoot sighting or something. You’re like, it couldn’t happen. It’s possible. Yeah. And here it is on the back patio nestled up almost against the house. Better call Neil Degrassi or whatever the hell his name is. Whatever the hell his name is. I don’t know. Neil Degrassi Tyson? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Him too. I don’t know what his name is. I don’t know. Neil Degrassi. Yeah.
I don’t know. So, yeah, I was just so aggravated. I’m like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, it could happen. It could happen. Like, no, it can never happen. This is never. Nothing has ever left this porch and ended up on that patio. Nothing. It’s a Christmas miracle. Come here, Mary. Bert and Ernie, come here. Look, look. I’m still aggravated by it. Your own version of it’s a wonderful life or something, man. She’s like, I’m sure one of the cameras caught it. No, no camera caught it. Jesus Christ. I see hours and hours of you just sitting there like, come on, come on. The craziest wind. Yeah. Strongest crazy. It’s like Mary Poppins, for fuck’s sake, just blew this thing over. Yeah.
singing on its way down onto the back porch and then didn’t move for the rest of the night. That’s weird. That’s what I said. The magic grill cover. The magic grill cover. That’s right. You’re going to be on some oddly specific podcast, I think, in the next few months. Please listen to me on the strange and wonderful… They’ll love to hear this story. They’ll be like, tell us, Bob, about your grill cover story. Walking on grills are us. Our special guest is Bob LeMeten. He has quite a story to tell. Forget that you’ve seen, you know, shadows move on their own. We want to hear about this goddamn grill cover. Wait till you see this. Yeah. The Weber company is going to fund my research at my house. No, it was just bizarre though. And no, nobody cares. Nope. Oh yeah. Yeah. I’m sure.
Troy Taylor’s coming over to interview me, honey. Yeah, my old buddy Troy from the book barn. Yeah, the ghost. The ghost did it. Look at it. The ghost carried it back there and laid it down and took a nap, and that’s why it stayed there. The ghost of St. Louis County. I swear. I’m like, it should be stuck against the back of the fence, hanging from a tree. It should be gone. I’ll never find it again. You should be getting a knock from the neighbor like, hey, is this yours? It’s in our house. Is this your crummy-ass grill thing? Yeah, it’s got your initials on it. I figured it was yours. Yeah. I’m like, man, it is a miracle. It is a Christmas miracle. You find it out on the highway down in a ditch. Like, there it is. Yeah, look there. We got to go driving, calling for it. Grill cover. It’s in the park. Got the grill cover.
Thank you. It was, I was just amazed and no good, no react. This is the rest of my life right now. Yeah. I so long to have little kids who would totally be enthralled by this story. When I was, you know, my kids were little, I would have, my gosh, the grill, dad said the grill cover went from the front to the back without, he couldn’t have done it. Grandpa Bob, tell us that story again. Yeah. All right. You know, right at the ankles. Oh, yeah. Didn’t this happen during your wolf story, too, or something? You, like, saw some animal, and your wife’s like no no yeah no yeah she well i’ve saw it was in hawaii that she’s denied no wolf while i was driving. yeah Yeah, and then she saw a wolf in our backyard oh well that that’s true that happened exactly i said yeah i didn’t see it and but yeah it’s true. It happened, yeah. But my wolf, when i was driving the
not too far away from home, that wolf story is not possible. The fact that I saw the only octopus that lives in Hawaii because my son looked it up. I told him what it looked like. He’s like, there’s only one or there’s two, I think. They look just like what he said. Or your mythical creature, your underpass creature you saw. That was a shadow creature. thing yeah yeah the shadow creature, yeah, or whatever it was yeah yep you’re a liar. This grill thing, yeah, happens all the time. I’m surprised it didn’t, like, go land on another grill and cover it. Why don’t you go out there again, put another one on, and if it happens again, then i’ll believe it never a million years gonna happen again. There’s no way it could happen. Yeah, you know that. Yeah. All right. Never, ever.
Anyway, this is the rest of my life now. I think I’m going to have to round up the neighborhood kids anytime something happens so that I can actually have somebody react appropriately. You are like Richard Dreyfuss in Close Encounters. That’s right. You’re building the mountain. You’re really scaring me. I don’t know what you’re doing, Bob. This reminds me of something. I don’t know what, but this means something. Look at the grill cover. The grill cover just You can’t just blow over the house. Apparently it did. It’s almost like it went through the house. Oh. Some kind of portal or something. Portal. I was just going to say it. Portal. You’ve opened a portal. A grill portal. I don’t know. But nothing else. I think you’d be on a commercial for this thing. It was durable because it didn’t tear to shreds. I understand. I understand.
So what’s going on with you? No one believes me. I’m sorry to hear that. I’m so sorry to hear that. Or no one believes that that’s not a feat. Yeah. I’m going to get with the National Weather Service and see if this is possible. Where’s our friend Dan the Weatherman? Can I ask him? He’s all retired now. He doesn’t do weather. Oh, okay. Who’s So maybe I can just do a couple of just very quick, no-nonsense stories. Sure. So I know I showed my hand too early, but I sent you a picture over the weekend. Oh, yeah. Actually, if this grill thing hadn’t happened, that’s what I was going to go with about you and your fucking freaky-ass pictures. Yeah. You’re losing it, my friend. You are losing it. Totally losing it. Yeah, well, I know that.
I’m almost 60 now. Can I say what the picture was? Go ahead. And you sent it to me rather late, by the way. Well, that’s why I was exposed to it, my friend. I get this picture at like 11.30 at night. What night was that? Friday? I got there on Saturday. Saturday, okay. And it’s Miles sends me a picture with his handful of teeth. Yeah, human teeth. Human teeth, like a handful of just loose human, like if you would just grab a handful of chex Mix. Yeah. But instead of chex Mix, it was human teeth. Mm-hmm. Right, correct. That is correct. It’s like, what kind of fucking holiday party were you at i was yeah well i had gone to kind of a pseudo family get together earlier in the day, and i was
Everybody puts a tooth in miles. You’re no exception. No, that didn’t happen there. It’s, um, I was at my niece’s house. And, uh, so it was, uh, where it was, I guessed what it was before she dumped this in my hand. She goes, Oh, um, there was this guy and he died. He was an old guy and he died. And, you know, me and a bunch of people were cleaning out his house and I found this envelope and, uh, you know, I looked at it and I thought, well, maybe it’s worth something. I don’t know. And so she goes, close your eyes and hold out your hand. Like I go, this better be not be like, like Nazi teeth or something, you know, like, oh, you know, and then your niece’s husband slips his dick in your hand. Oh, I fell for it again. Oh my God. No. And sure enough. No, it’s fricking teeth. Like what’s that? Teeth. Well,
Were they wet? No, they were not fresh or wet. This is like bad juju, man. I don’t like to have body parts and shit. These were not like children’s teeth. No. These were full-grown adult teeth. Yes. These are all various teeth from probably various people, but it had some gold in it. Oh, God. That’s why she kept it. Actually, she’s gonna see if it’s worth anything, you know. The gold, you know. But I’m like, I knew it. Like, I guessed it get the gold out of the tooth. I guessed it, though. Isn’t that weird? Like, wouldn’t it be funny this is like, discarded teeth or something? Like, son of a bitch when you guessed it, or was before you got in your hand? Well, she was just before she did it. i like My Polish, because i’m the polish Nostradamus, I saw what’s going to happen before it happened. I’m like, oh, no.
I looked down. I’m like, oh, Jesus. If this is from World War II or something, please, God, I don’t want to… My hand feels like a pastrami sandwich. Oh, God. It was horrible. It was horrible. Gross. I never want to… And then you felt… It was so gross, you had to take a picture and send it to me. Well, you had a relative that was a dentist, so I thought you’d be interested in stuff like that. I thought you might be interested. These are not really molars, though. No, these were like eye teeth. It ran the gamut of teeth. There were some sizers. There were some molars. It was like all guesswork. Like, what do you think? It belonged to the old man? I’m like, well, if he had like 60 teeth in his mouth, maybe or something like that.
i don’t think this came from just one person. I think these were, like, from various the the the bad part is he was a serial killer. Yeah, I’m sure. Like you say, I don’t I hope this guy didn’t fight in world war ii and he’s, like, you know, from japanese people or something. Like, oh, God. Yeah, that’s a bad juju then. No, I know, but, I mean, there was people back in the day that did some weird shit, I’m just saying. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. You know. cutting off people’s ears. My buddy had an ear necklace. If you whip out an ear necklace next, I’m going to throw up. I will throw up. Full metal jacket. That’s story number one. Number two, right before that, we had gone to a bar. Before you close it out, why do you send me these things? Because I realize you lead a very sheltered life.
know you’re on purpose you live in this compound, like the kennedy compound, basically. You rarely leave the house and, uh, you hate talking to people in person, you know? So I thought, you know, you’re like, don’t send me pictures of amputees anymore. I don’t think it’s funny. I don’t want to see your the teeth yeah so i’m just crossing things off the list. I can’t send anymore like it would have been funnier if you like stuck them in your lip and then did a video with me, like spitting them out. I would have thrown up. There’s no way. There’s no way. There’s no way. I mean, you could have boiled those things in bleach. I would not have done it like now. No way.
Gross. Much incisor. Gross in your hand. What are you talking about? Oh, God. Why would you even have that? Now, hey, think about it. Next time you’re pleasuring yourself, you’re pleasuring yourself with a hand that touched like 50 different people’s teeth. Yeah, I know. I’m going to have to count Monique out from here on out. Damn it. Go ahead. I’m sorry. No, no. Well, I don’t know. These stories aren’t really good. But anyway, so I last story was we had gone to his bar before all this happened. And, uh, we were watching some football and stuff and, uh, where there’s, uh, like eight slot machine, seven or eight slot machine, not slot machine i know you love the video yeah and uh so i take like the far end next to me is kind of like a very unfunny drunk, like zach galpinakis Right. And then, then, then my niece.
So it’s me, Zach, and then my niece, right? And I’m losing like crazy, like, oh, shit, 20, 40, 60. His big joke was, look, I’m between two turds. I was like, hey, right nut, hey, left nut. And it looked like she was winning for a while. I’m like, damn, I wish I had that machine, you know? Right? Yeah. And I hadn’t noticed, but she had actually won and left the machine and was at the bar now with my nephews. She cashed out. I’m like, well, Sid, I’m going to play that damn game. Because I concentrate on mine losing money in the left and right. So I go to sit down and there’s like this, I don’t want to say martini glass, but something like someone had been drinking something and it looked like it had been left there. And I knew it wasn’t for my niece because my niece wasn’t drinking. I’m like, oh, that’s weird. I go, this must be
you know, belong to this loser next to me, this drunken bastard. He says something like, I hope she don’t mind you playing her game. You’re playing her slot machine. I go, oh, well, yeah, my niece was sitting here. Oh, well, my mom’s sitting there. I’m thinking, is he that drunk? He thinks my niece is his mom. And then it clicks in my head like, oh, he’s with somebody. Oh, where’s she at? And I’m like, oh, because I didn’t see like, you know, no one else at the machines. I’m like, okay, but I’m like, well, I’m like, well, fuck it. All right. So I moved down one and this drunk old bitch comes down and she’s like, sit down on the glass. Well, okay. I don’t usually like to talk to women like that. Okay. I’m sorry, but I’m just saying, no, she, she sits down with the dirty martini glass. She goes, my, my pocket book is gone. Oh, my pocket book could,
Son, could you look over there? Do you see it? Yeah, this is an old bar scam. Yeah, I’m like, wait a minute. They don’t think that maybe their old Uncle Miles is trying to hustle a drunken mom or something. No, there’s this bar scam where they always do that. They’re like, watch my purse. And then they come back to it, and they’re like, oh, money’s missing, and you were watching it, so you took my money. Yeah. So now this woman calls over her husband, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry. It’s like, call my phone, call my phone. My, my stuff is missing. Yeah. But now I was never mentioned or anything, but I feel, I’m almost feel like I’m getting side-eyed, you know, like, Oh, well, look at you. You know, if I, if I’m a thief, I’m a bad fat thief. Cause I can’t run, you know, like,
No one’s body shape is like that. Nobody’s got that much of a belly up front with nothing else. Like a 300-pound guy. Star husband disappears. He comes back. He goes, that’s a dumb bitch. It was in the bathroom. You left it right in the sink there. You skirted one there. I can tell you that. I’m like, what if they think I stole their Stuff. I mean, I’ve never been in this position before. You know, I was like i’ve only been accused of stealing once in my whole life and i’m like oh yeah what really only once only once yes yes i would think this would be a regular occurrence for you. No, I was just a child when it happened. But, yeah, sure but uh you’re like, I couldn’t have stole it. I was running around naked. I was naked no i was where am i gonna hide it grandma which was weird yes yes
yes yes yeah no i don’t know. I just, you know, I thought i’m gonna get into some weird bob lament situation here in a minute yeah but luckily yeah so yeah this poor, like, uh, what would be the wife to like the zach is at the bar. She’s looking like she’s ready to cry i don’t know what’s going on with this woman. because she had all her money in that lady’s purse. Yeah, and then the dad, I can tell, he’s like, I just want to pay the bill. What’s our bill? And the lady’s like, oh, $56. I’m like, Jesus Christ. Oh, my God. So they’re trying to get him out of there. This poor old woman can’t get her coat on. Looks like one of those blow-up things like a car dealership, you know, those things that blow. Crazy. And the bartender’s like, oh, wait a minute, Zach,
owes me money too. He has a bar tab too. I’m like, wait, Jesus Christ. Like he’s got a bar tab too. Wow. I thought the 56 bucks was just for like everybody. No, it was just grandma and grandpa. And now they got to get the Zach, you know, straight. And I’m like, Jesus Christ. Wow. There wasn’t happy hour. I can tell you that. I don’t know. Then they left, and I got talking to the people I was with. I’m like, did you see that? Yeah, we were watching the whole thing just in case they wanted to kick you out. We were hanging back and waiting for you to get. Yeah, they were taking bets to see who was going to attack me first, the old woman. They were recording it. Let’s see if Miles gets punched in the face. Get strip searched and put everybody in. Yeah.
funny if i did ever phone like i’m gonna have to do a body cavity search of this fat under these rolls. I bet he’s put it under these rolls. Yeah. And these bathrooms are not super big. I mean, it’s just like a a stool and that’s it you know i mean these aren’t like you know oh it’s like a one-holer. Yeah. You know, so, yeah, this one completely left all her goodies luckily there’s like hardly anyone there, but, you know That drunk and you would totally miss all your skin. Oh, my gosh. Did you get back on the machine then? I did. I lost more money, yes. Oh, my gosh. Did you lose $56? I lost more than that, yeah. Oh, my gosh. I know. I want to go. You’re so judgmental. $56 bar tab. Oh, my gosh. Gambling is different. I mean, drinking is different. Gambling. Drinking is a more expensive thing.
No, drinking’s a sin. You all know that. No, no, no. You can’t win anything by drinking. I’m going to go out with your son and brother-in-law next time. How’s that? Yeah, you should. They do much better. David, show me how to spend this money now. Come here. I got some gold teeth I want to give you. What can I get for this? I’m going to give you three incisors, David. I think that’s a good bet. Three incisors? What do you think? I can I’ll lay that into $1,500. Oh, yeah. So good times. Good times and miles. It’s a gambling Christmas.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

And that’s what she said. Oh, my God. There we go. Oh, this is King Moonstar. Welcome to Static Radio. King Moonstar, how are you tonight? I’m great. I’m flying around the island. Which island would that be? Well, you know what island that would be. That would be the island of Misfit Tours. Of course, I should have known. With a Charlie in the box. That’s right. Charlie in a box. Nobody wants an elephant who can’t trumpet or something like that. Something like that, yes. I come from the imagination of Rankin and Bass. And my storyline was cut out. Yeah, I think so. Budgetary. Time constraints, Bob. Time constraints. This holiday special has been trimmed for time and I think he got caught you know, like playing with the dolls. No toy is truly loved unless a child loves it or something. I thought you were going to say Epstein Island for a minute. Yeah. That’d been funny. Okay, edit that in. I’m Captain… I’m King Moonstar from Epstein’s Island. Oh, well. Go figure. I don’t know. So, yeah, it’s holiday…
Yeah. Special time of year. It’s going to be Christmas pretty soon. Christmas 2025. 2025, exactly. Mm-hmm. So what did you wish for, little boy? I wish that you would be a huge dickhead tonight. Oh, well, your wish can be granted. All right. Hold on. Let me play a little music here. Oh, fuck. Your wish is granted. Exactly. Aren’t you glad? I know you’ve been waiting for this. Yeah, I know. Everyone is an asshole at the holiday season. I’m talking to one right now. Yeah. So I was out. I had to go out. I don’t think I want to do this very much anymore. I think I’m just going to stay in. Yeah. I don’t want to go out. I just want to stay in. All right, David Bowie. Yeah. Okay. Things don’t really change. Oh, I try.
I went out to pick up. I didn’t even go into the store. I just was there to pick up. Young boys. No, groceries and stuff. I didn’t even have to go inside. So I get to the pickup and it’s just assholes and elbows, right? It’s all wall-to-wall people. Didn’t you have an elf help you last time you did a story like this? Like there was some little… Yeah, the person was dressed as an elf, yes. A homunculus or something? A homunculus. So there’s only one spot to pick up in this particular place. And I have a smaller car, you know, no big deal. I can pull in there. So I pull in next to two trucks, a truck on either side. Mm-hmm. And normally, I’m very bad at parking. I wouldn’t say it. Let me put it a different way. I don’t care how I park most of the time. Okay. All right. I live in the Midwest. We have plenty of parking. Mm-hmm. There’s always parking available. You just have to walk a little bit. Don’t care. Mm-hmm.
But I pulled into this parking spot and I tried to pull right in the center because these two big trucks were on either side. Sure. So I got in there and then I usually pop the back of the hatchback and that way they can just put stuff in. And I asked them to shut it and I’m on my merry way. Sure. So I’m getting out of the… but I can only open my door just barely. And I’m not, you know, I’m not a yogi or anything. I don’t do any yoga or anything. So me, I’m also big. And so getting out of a car with very little room is not very conducive to my body type. Robert Conrad. Google that. If you don’t know who that is, Google it. And so I open my door as far as I can.
Louis Armstrong. Louis Armstrong. Okay. I see babies. I see babies. The wrong one. The wrong one. Okay. And so I opened my door as far as I can and I touch the mirror of this giant truck with these giant mirrors. And so, but I squeezed out. I mean, I didn’t bang into it. I gently put my doors wide as I could and then I had to slide my fat self out. I open and I start coming back and the window’s rolling down on the truck. Yeah. It’s this lady and her daughter and she’s like, you hit my truck. I go, I don’t think I hit it. I go, yeah, we’re kind of close here. I go, plus you’re over the line, which she was. I just got in the car and I ignored her.
because she was, she had this giant truck with these giant mirrors. It’s, it was like, she’s going to the store for fuck’s sake. And she’s driving this work truck kind of thing. This giant, like, you know three-quarter ton truck with these mirrors that stick out like a foot and a half. Got a dually and yeah exactly and I’m just like, Hey, I needed to pop the thing. I’m sorry about that. And then I slid in and shut the door and I was done. she didn’t like it too much, but apparently she got over it. I don’t know. She didn’t say anything else to me. Yeah. Uh, and I didn’t really do anything. I did. I did touch her car. I touched the mirror, but to be honest, my little car could not do anything to hurt her little car. Right. Like a Sherman. Yeah. I could have kicked that mirror and it wouldn’t even have budged, you know? Right. Right. And if I could get my leg that high and then, um,
So then I sit there, you know, and she gets her stuff before me, and then she leaves. And then the person comes out, and they’re pushing two carts. And it’s raining, by the way. Oh, no. And so she’s pushing two carts, and, like, the cart that’s trailing is, like, full of my stuff. I can tell because I know what was ordered, right? Mm-hmm. I’m like I thought that’s mine. I’m like, where are they going? And so then they took it all the way down on the other side and dropped off the first cart and then they came around to bring mine. And at this point, this person is angry. It’s raining. You know, they have to work. It’s very busy. And so then they’re
They come to me and then they’re just chucking shit in the back of the car. Like, yeah, you know, it’s like everything’s the whole car’s rocking, you know? Oh, geez. And I’m like, and you know, I’m sitting there, you know, waiting for my thing. I’ll say, thank you. Gone. Left the thing open. You know, no thank you. No, you know, I’m done. Wait, you let the hatch open? Yeah, yeah. Everything just took off. Oh, wow. I was reading an email or something. I look up. She’s gone. Yeah. And then I look in the parking lot across the way, and there’s a bag of my popcorn laying in the parking lot getting rained on. And I go, and then she’s gone. I had to get out. I had to go get my popcorn like, you know, an idiot in the middle of the parking lot before it got run over. And he’s pigeon toed. So it looked really funny. Yeah. So I’m already like, I messed myself up getting out with the door so close. Yeah. And then I throw my popcorn on top of my wet pile of groceries and
And I shut my hatchback and I’m out of there. I’m like, these fucking people. Yeah. I’m never fucking going to the grocery store. Never again. Everyone is such an ass at the holidays. I’m just like, oh my gosh. Yeah. Just strewing my shit all through the parking lot. I’ve never seen that. I’ve gotten plenty of those pickups, but I’ve never seen that kind of attitude. Total attitude. My chips are all getting crushed. It’s a whole thing. I thought you were losing weight. I still eat chips. And popcorn? Jeez. You should put that soda in first. On top of everything. Yeah. Put the heavy stuff in first. No. So that was my experience. I’ve got people hassling me. They’re over the line. They’re blaming me. Mr. Tough guy. Merry fucking Christmas to everybody. Just threw my shit all over. I paid for it. It’s already paid for. Who gives a shit if your popcorn gets run over? It’s already paid for. It’s probably those ladies in the truck. They’re like, I will give you 20 bucks. No, they never interacted with my person. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I was just like, oh my gosh, these people. It’s raining. I know they don’t want to do this. I mean, they don’t want to do it, right? I don’t want to do it. That’s why I was there. I was there to pick up. I don’t want to get out in the rain. You’re not getting nine bucks an hour for nothing. Now you get out there and you… I don’t know what the… No, they get more than that now. I’m joking. It was a joke. Oh, okay. Sorry. I’m sure they get more than nine bucks an hour when I get out here. They don’t make the same as you. No, I get 10. So I can brag. I got a raise. Yeah. So I was just like, I’m like, never again. I’m never going to get groceries in my whole life. I’m just going to, I’m going to become a farmer. Make your wife go. Yeah. Well, I go, yeah, I go because she, I, I have gone to get the groceries as long as I can remember.

1975. She doesn’t like to go, and so I’m like, yeah, I’ll go. Yeah, you see why? Do you see why? Yeah, no kidding. Bunch of jagoffs. No, we go. We bring dogs with. I mean, we go. Yeah, I’m sure you do. You’re sitting on the parking lot, you know, eating a pizza. We’re going to go grocery shopping. I like it because my dog just eyeballs these people up because they don’t really know how to react like, Shit, is this dog going to attack or what the hell? Well, because it’s got the coogly eyes. It’s all crazy. That’s why. It’s like, oh, shit. So, yeah. So, Merry Christmas, everybody. Season, you know, peace on Earth. Goodwill towards men. Wow. Yeah. Since then, I have not left the house.
      That’s almost a true statement as well. Wow. No, I believe you. Yeah. Wow. Really? I’ve never gone that bad before. That’s weird. Oh, I know. Normally I get the guy, I get the people are nice and they chat with me and they’re, you know, I know when it’s raining, it’s horrible to drag out all that stuff, but I’m like, you know, it was, it was super busy. Yeah. Normally I don’t go during super busy times. I usually try to avoid that, but not anymore. No. Yeah. It didn’t work. Yeah. Yeah. Not nice. Didn’t want to be there. Hated their job. I don’t know. Whatever. Probably sucks. Can you go outside? You go inside? You go outside. I would have done it. I mean, I work shitty jobs. Yeah. Yeah, you do. I would have took that job over the shitty job that I had. You work 12 different jobs. I know. That’s what I’m saying. Everybody has them.
      You work three jobs a day, man. At one point, I did have three jobs in a day. You’re right. But I’m just saying that’s the motivator to get you to get a better job. Yeah. Well, God bless. I mean, God bless the people who have to do that, man. I was like, fuck, I wouldn’t want to do it. So anyway, yeah. So Merry Christmas. Yeah. Happy New Year, everybody. Happy New Year. Yeah. And so this is Christmas. Yeah, I was thinking that song too, actually. What have you done? Left my popcorn in the parking lot. And didn’t shut the hatchback. I think it was a Ford King Ranch. Is that what those things are called? I don’t know what those things are called. Anyhow, what’s going on with you?
      Well, you know, sometimes me and you think alike because I’ve got a shopping story, too. Oh, come on. Do we live near each other? I know. You would think that, like, we’re just best buds and we live in the same, you know, neighborhood or something. Exactly. Come on over. We’ll grill. Yeah, come on. I don’t know if you want me coming over for a grill outing. I don’t want you to come over with any regularity, no. I’d like to come over with, like, a buttoned-up shirt, but it’s all, like, unbuttoned, you know. Yeah. What’s up? You’re going to make me cry. What’s up? Did we mention big box stores by name on this show? I don’t know if we kind of. Yeah, I always say I was at Sam’s getting my. Okay. I’m going to say. All right. So a couple of weeks ago, my wife and son decide that we need to go start going to a place called Costco. Oh, the Costco. Yeah. The Costco. Yeah. Get a hot dog.
      Well, I’m getting to that. Don’t speed me along. That’s one of their big things is to have a drinking hot dog. So this is not really like by my house. This is somewhat of a trek to go to this thing. You live even more podunk than I do. Yeah, I’m on BFE basically. And so I’m like, listen, everyone, I will drive. I’m Mr. Cool. I’m going to drive. Mr. Cool. Okay. I’ve taken, I’ve drank a half a bottle of Pepto, so I’m good to go. Yeah. Right. So I’m like, I will drive. I’ll be the man. I will drive. Okay. And, um, so we get close to the destination and I, I knew roughly where it was, but I didn’t, you know, I was like, okay. You have GPS on your phone. I don’t use it as much. Yeah. I don’t know.
      No, it’s an area. It’s a big shopping area, but I thought I saw a sign for it on the other side of the highway. My wife assures me that I’m wrong. I’m like, I’m not wrong. She goes, no, you’re wrong. We have this big fight. I was like, okay. Yes, it was wrong. I was wrong. Obviously, he was wrong. I was wrong. She goes, turn in here. Okay. Turn here. Follow these cars. I didn’t even know where it was at. I’m like, oh, it’s like there’s no signs for it or nothing. I was like, oh, okay. It’s a huge fucking store. No, you’ve got to go through this feeder road down a couple miles or something to get to this thing. So I’m like, well, all right, so what’s going on? And they’re like, well, you want to go inside the building. I’m like, what? They’re like, yeah, you park inside the building. Really? They have you pick up inside? I’m like, what? That’s nice.
      what’s this phenomenon? It’s like a warehouse and like half of it is just fucking parking. Yeah. I’m like, Oh, like this is where my 60 bucks a year is going. Okay. All right. So I’m trying to figure out, you know, cause there’s like all these entrances and I’m like, okay, I’ll just, I’ll go in one. I’ll just pick one. And then, you know, you got to stop for stupid people. You know, come on, motherfucker. Come on, man. Yeah. I just, I don’t know. I’m like, I just totally, feel like I’m being scammed from the word go. I’m like, oh, this sucks. I’m trying to park at the state fair or something. There’s people leaving. There’s people going. I’m like, God damn. Hey, fat boy, I can get you right up front for $5. If you want to door ding that Chevy, come here. That’s right. I don’t know why. I get a little nervous in situations like this. I don’t know why. I do. I understand.
      I get a little bit of anxiety. And so I finally, I park and like, I’m just like, thank the fuck Christ. My man. And they, you know, these two idiots are so much fun. You’re going to love it. Like I already hate it. I don’t want to go in. I hate, I already hate this. I hate it. I’m going to get a big screen TV. Yeah. This is all a scam. I know this is a scam. I know it. And, uh, anyway, so we get in and, uh, they have to check your ID or something, or you have to prove. Yeah. You gotta have, you gotta prove that you’re supposed to be there. And of course the wife who heads up, the project does not have the identification ready to go. So she’s got to dig in her purse for 20 minutes. I’m like, okay. I can’t pull it. I was driving. Yeah. So, yeah. So everyone else is like, you know, trying to get past us. Like, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.
      And, uh, there’s a nice, uh, Asian lady, Asian lady running it. And, uh, for some reason i had on this stupid, uh, I have like this, uh, like this bears, like pullover you know, kind of thing and sweatshirt. It’s all you own, I think. Basically. Yes. And it’s got the name you basically walk around with a bear’s onesie and that’s your pretty much yeah and i don’t ever change it either and but it’s got the name of like some of the bears on it. Right. So, and, uh, She’s like, oh, she goes, what name? Well, look at those names. What are those names? And I’m bullshitting with her. She’s like, oh. I go, no, these are the apostles. These are Jesus’ apostles. She’s like, William Perry. I’m like, yeah. Yeah, it’s the refrigerator. He also knows the refrigerator. Yeah, she’s putting it all together. Like, oh, I didn’t know that. He’s one of the three wise men. Did you know that? Yeah.
      I felt bad I had to tell her. There was radar range, refrigerator, and dishwasher. They all showed up for Jesus. Yeah. So now the selling point is like, well, you’ve got to come over to the food thing, Dad, because they’ve got cheap food here. I’m like, okay. Oh, they got cheap food at the Costco. Oh, the $1.50 hot dog, footlong hot dog. I wasn’t even hungry. I’m like, I don’t really want anything. You’re like, What do you, this face looks like it needs a big foot long in it. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I don’t know. All these sketchy people, you know, sitting around, you know, gapping it up. Like, I don’t know. It’s like a big Petri dish in there. I’m like, I don’t know, man. There’s like a lot of people in here. I’m like, I don’t know. I’m sure. Well, it’s a buck 50 hot dog and a drink. I know. I’m just like, I don’t know. I have a thing about being around a lot of people. And it’s unlimited refills. So.
      And it’s right by the exit. So like everyone with a cart is like, you know, slowly going past you, looking at you, touching you, you know, like, okay. And, uh, touching, squeezing each other. All right. So that gets done. So I was like, okay, now we’re going shopping for real. Now, here we go. I’m like, okay. And it’s just a, I don’t know. It seems so disorganized. I’m like, okay, this is a stop. This, Literally thrown all over. And I know you’ve been to these places too, but. Oh yeah. Now I take about three steps and all of a sudden, like my son and my wife are like, if people try to stop you to talk to you, do not talk to them. Do not engage. They have to prep you. Cause you’re like a special needs. Yeah. I’m like, I know. I’m like, what, what do you mean? Like, what do you mean? Don’t talk. I can’t, I can’t do that. Yeah.
      I’m a people person. They’re like, no, do not, do not engage. They’re going to try to sell you a cell phone plan or something, or, you know, yeah. Yeah. Which I’m like, no, come on for 60 bucks a year. Certainly they wouldn’t have people harassing, you know, it, Nope, sure enough. I’m like, okay, okay, all right, all right. You’re like, is there any young ladies selling cosmetics? Because those are the ones I really like. I am a sucker. I am a sucker for young women selling cosmetics. You know that. Which my wife reminded me about. Oh, yeah, you’ll talk to some girl, won’t you? Uh-huh. She was kidding. All these women love to see people who look like they’re made of molten flesh. Basically, oh, Jabba, come here, you know.
      And so I really had nothing to get there, you know, personally. I’m like, okay. So these two are, like, getting stuff. And God is looking out for me. You know, sometimes I want to doubt God, but then again, I’m on board with it, too. You know, I’m like, okay. Suddenly, like, my sciatic nerve kicks in. I’m like, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh. My leg, my hip, my hip. Uh, like every step, your pain. I’m like, okay. Right. And I’m at the back of the store. Yeah. Like we’ve been, yeah. And it’s like, are you okay? I’m like, no, no, it’s all right. Just keep going. Keep going. And I’m like, I gotta take a whiz and then I’m going to go back to the car, man. I’m like, fuck this. Oh man. Yeah. And I’m just like, I’m out of here. I just like ditched my family. Like, see ya.
      I got the keys, man. I got sciatica. I got sciatica. I know. By some miracle, this thing acted up at the right time. I’m like, I’m out. Meanwhile, three carts full later, you’ve got a $2,700 bill at the Costco. Oh, yeah. I went back to the car. I was doing your weird people-watching thing you do. Judging people and Oh, look how they’re dressed. I don’t know where you get that from. You do. You do. You do. I’m a good watcher. I’m a good watcher. People throwing carts everywhere. I go, so help me if these guys hit my car with this freaking cart. Oh, yeah. You’re one of those hit my car people. There’s no cart thing. I got this big fucking bloated car and parked across three lanes. What?
      People just randomly throw carts anywhere around here. Why don’t they have a cart corral, though? For $60 a year, they can’t have a cart corral? You need to pay $120 for that. Yes, I hated it. I went to Ikea 30 years ago. I hated it. I hated every minute of it. Ikea is even wackier, yes. I go, I am not the right person for this store. I’m just like, it’s too upsetting to me. You didn’t even get the hot dog? No. I wasn’t hungry. I’m hungry. I’m surprised that you didn’t get the hot dog. I’d had some good Casey’s food before I got there, so I wasn’t going to eat. I’m not going to put some cheese in my mouth. I had some good Casey’s food. That’s right. I had three taquitos that I snuck off the rollers. Sir, what is it?
      You have some flaky golden crumbs on your lips. No, I don’t. It’s just my skin. I don’t know. Do we have to have indoor parking for a grocery store? It seems a little extreme. Yeah, well, then they don’t have to go out in the rain. That’s great for them. I guess. I don’t know. Maybe they got tax write-offs of some kind or something. I just thought it was a little bit, you know, How was your sciatica, old man? It went away eventually, yeah. It was all right. Well, coincidentally, it was gone. Yes, I was tired when I got home. My massaging chairs in my car took care of it. I don’t know. I was kind of oversold the whole project, you know. I don’t know. I was like, oh, you’re going to love it. There’s nothing wrong with this place. It’s perfect. I’m like, oh, okay, all right.
      You aren’t bowing at the altar of consumerism on this one, I guess. No, I don’t like to go to warehouse. You used to be Mr. and Mrs. Retail, remember? I used to call you guys Mr. and Mrs. Retail. Yeah, you were all the trendy guy. And then I’m like, all right, now I’m going to do your thing, man. Well, you were doing the grocery pickup thing before COVID. We started doing it. Yeah, no, I did it way back. And I thought, how bourgeois, how bougie as soon as it was available, I did it, yes. I go, Bob and his wife are so stuck up. They’re so stuck up it’s snotty that they have their food delivered to them, and then the like we jumped in on it, like, this is the best. Like, I mean, occasionally they they fuck it up, but, you know i mean whatever
      But I don’t have people slam my stuff into the car like you, I guess. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. This lady was really not wanting to work. Well, I wish you would have got the $1.50 hot dog and drink combo. You know what? I’m going to take a Xanax. I’m going to go take a Xanax next time I go. And then I’m going to go with a smile on my face. I’m going to pre-treat yourself. Pre-treat yourself. Take some drugs. I’m going to pre-gain. I got to pregame, yeah, masturbate, yeah, all that, yeah, before I get in there. And then, you know, clean up and then go. I don’t know. It was too busy for me. It’s just too much. It’s too much. I can’t handle it. It’s too much. Everybody’s walking so fast. Who are these people? I don’t know. What are you going to do when you’re in the nursing home, for Christ’s sake? I want to go to the Piggly Wiggy. Why can’t we go to Piggly Wiggy? Yeah, why can’t we?
      Growing up, you laugh, but growing up, there was a grocery store that we would go to that literally had six aisles. Yeah. That’s it. Yeah. And they weren’t long aisles either. I mean, it was only like maybe three cart lengths for each aisle, and that was it. Oh, wow. That is small. It was very small. Yeah. My dad worked there. He was a part-time butcher there when I was a kid. Oh, I did not know that. Yeah, he was the nighttime butcher for a while. Butchers make a lot of money. They make a lot of money. I don’t know that, really. I don’t know. I knew a guy that made a lot of money. Well, he was a part-time butcher in the evenings, and that’s where we went to get groceries because that’s where he worked. And he delivered during the day, so God bless you, sir. Yeah. Yeah.
      Well, you get that hot dog next time, and you’ll be much happier. I’m going to go there hungry. That’s why it’s so cheap. It’s full of psychedelics. I will not drive in. My wife will do the driving. I will have the hot dog. Yes, I was having a nervous breakdown. You’re right. I was. I was. There. You are correct, young lady. You are correct in your assumptions. Thank gosh. Well, Merry Christmas, everybody. Aren’t you going to say something, Miles? Merry Christmas, everybody. That’s it.

This Week

In a lively interview on LeMent Tonight, Eric Sizemore, a librarian and comedian from Champaign, Illinois, shares his eccentric observations on modern life, ranging from the quirks of parenting to his “twin passions” for wealth and librarianship. The conversation weaves through a variety of colorful topics, including a “service lizard” encounter at his library, a satirical take on the lack of real-life Batmans among today’s billionaires, and the “industrial charm” of nearby Decatur’s soybean-scented, Blade Runner-esque landscape.

Eric Sizemore

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, everybody, and welcome to LeMent Tonight. my guest tonight is eric sizemore all the way from Champaign, Illinois. Uh, thanks everybody for being here. Hey, uh, Gary, how are everybody doing there? I know gary quit being somebody to me so erica hailed now, are you originally from uh champaign uh yeah coincidentally born here and then yeah. Oh, okay. Well, there you go all the way. From Champaign, Illinois. If people don’t know who Champaign is, Champaign is. Don’t tell them, Bob. We don’t want people here. Well, I was going to say it’s famous for several things. Okay. All right. It is the flagship of the University of Illinois schools. Yep. And Hal 9000 was born there. So there you go. Yep. Yep. If people know those references. But everybody, Eric Seismar. Eric, take it away. Oh, thank you so much.
Hey, who else is making poor choices tonight? Me and Bob. Amazing poor choices. I am a parent. A lot of people, I can feel sort of some non-parental vibes through the screen here out there. I’m going to give a little preview of the future. As soon as you become a parent, it’s very annoying. As soon as people find out, they get in your face. They’re just like, how many kids do you have? How many kids do you have? could know that hey you got you guys know star wars good so i don’t have to explain that abomination of a 300 billion dollar defense program? I’ll tell you, man. A lot of people don’t know, since president ronald Reagan, we have been trying to shoot things in the sky. Pew, pew, pew! Haven’t hit a single thing.
Seriously. Yeah. I’m saying Imperial Stormtroopers hit more. You see what I’m saying? Anyway. A little about me. My twin passions are comedy and librarianship. As you can tell, I am drawn to wealth and power. Ah, it’s fun, man. I was working in the library the other day and just had a patron just like threw down her hands, just complete body. You could just read the body language of frustration. She just went, you ever just been done? I mean, you don’t care what people think. You don’t care what grade you get. You’re just done. I looked around. I was like, are you, are you a comedian too? We are thick around here. Not the most interesting thing, though, that happened in the library. I got called into the computer lab the other day because somebody had brought their iguana. I had to explain to them that we have a very strict no animals policy. To which she replied, it’s a service lizard. Which is complete nonsense. But it is my new favorite euphemism. At your service. All right.
uh this is uh bob this is my uh 395th set doing comedy yeah that’s fantastic yeah i know none of the other comedians you’ve interviewed keep track, and to them i say, you don’t count uh i do think it’s funny i like i like to count things uh i don’t know if you know this, but 100 years ago uh planet earth got its very first billionaire, jd Rockefeller. Now, a little over 100 years later we got now a little over 100 years later we got now a little over 100 years later we got just north of 3 just north of 3 just north of 3 000 billionaires oh my gosh 000 billionaires oh my gosh 000 billionaires oh my gosh not one batman you know we gotta you know we gotta do you know we gotta do you know we gotta do here we just gotta keep cutting their here we just gotta keep cutting their here we just gotta keep cutting their taxes until those batmen trickle down. do you think it’s funny though i mean do you think it’s funny though i mean do you think it’s funny though i mean your whole life, you’re raised thinking your whole life you’re raised thinking your whole life you’re raised thinking you know, there could be a batman nobody you know there could be a batman nobody you know there could be a batman nobody ever once said to elon elon ever once said to elon elon ever once said to elon elon we gotta save the city we gotta save the city
just like i could send some mean tweets to billy Irish. eilish Worthless. No toys. Somebody’s feeling me. Where are these thumbs up coming from? Whoever you are. I like you. Thumbs up back uh i uh i got into i got into comedy uh i guess because i have no filter pretty much just say whatever crosses my mind. I figured that out. Uh, I stumbled into a gay bar. I didn’t know it was a gay bar, but there was about four women’s softball teams there, and I figured it out. It’s a pretty small town, as you know, so one of my old girlfriends from literally middle school, she ran up to me, and she was just like, oh, Eric, I just want to let you know that now I’m a lesbian. I don’t know why. I just said, oh, that’s fine. Some of my favorite movie stars are lesbians. She’s like, oh, really? Like who? I was like…
i don’t know their names. Yeah, whatever crosses my mind uh yeah whatever crosses my mind uh yeah whatever crosses my mind uh had a friend of mine told me say i had a friend of mine told me say i had a friend of mine told me say i said i was born in decatur said i was born in decatur said i was born in decatur and i said i’ve had sex there turns turns out that is not the turns turns out that is not the turns turns out that is not the politically correct thing to say politically correct thing to say politically correct thing to say somebody somebody tells you there from somebody somebody tells you there from somebody somebody tells you there from decatur you are supposed to say i’m decatur you are supposed to say i’m decatur you are supposed to say i’m sorry sorry
Oh, something laughed. Good. Yeah, let’s see here. I was thinking, you guys, I am a librarian, so do you guys read books? Folks out there reading books? Sure. Excellent. You know that book, How to Win Friends and Influence People? It used to be the second most popular book in the whole world. It’s a great book. A lot of people read that book. Unfortunately, though, if people see you in public reading that book, they will know. You have no friends. How about 1984? There’s a title that’s been flying off the shelves lately. You know 1984? Yeah. Absolutely love that book. Love one of the concepts in there. He’s working for the Ministry of Information, and he’s destroying the dictionary. They’re deleting words. They’re destroying words. That’s his whole job.
And I thought that was just the coolest thing. So I started gathering words that I thought had been destroyed. And I said to my parents, I was like, hey, do you guys know any words that have been destroyed? I swear to God, they turned to me in unison and they went, gay. I’m not sure. The way I picture it happening, they had just donned their gay apparel. And we’re getting ready to go out and have a gay old time. Some queer just shot in there and ruined it. I told that joke one time and this voice in the back of the bar just went, sorry. Anyway, I love words that have been destroyed. You ever come up with one, please let me know. Oh, I got one. Presidential. I feel like that used to mean something. I don’t know what it is anymore. Oh, probably my favorite. This will be my last.
Uh, Amazon mirror back amazon used to be like a beautiful rainforest, right? That, that we needed to preserve by using a lot less cardboard boxes. That’s my time. Thank you so much i gotta go drain the service lizard. Eric Sizemore. Thank you very much, Eric. Hey, that was great. I’m glad I threw in Decatur. You’re from Decatur. I’m from Decatur. I’m like, hey, guess what? I had sex in Decatur, too. I don’t remember seeing you there. It seems like a smaller town than it is. You’d think. You would think, right? I told that in Carterville, which is almost to Cairo. Right. That’s south. Way south. I told that joke, and 200 people laughed at Decatur. Did everybody in Carterville show up for this thing, or what? Was it a family reunion? What was it? When we got done, the booker said, you saved the town. It wasn’t just a show. You saved the town, boys. That’s right. We were in dire straits, and then that Decatur joke pulled everybody out of the fire. I was…
I was not sure how geographically aware Americans were, but they laughed real hard. And I was just like, can you smell it from down here? That’s right. Yeah, soybeans. That’s money, son. Fresh air. You know, yeah. Just drive a few miles, you’ll be out of it. Don’t worry about it. Yeah, Decatur stinks pretty bad, especially… Yeah, near… Well, now it’s all Archer Daniels, but it used to be called Staley, A.U. Staley Company, but yeah, terrible. I love it. I tell sci-fi fans, you got to drive there at night, man, especially in the wintertime because they got that one bridge that you go over through the plant and there’s all the lights and the smoke and everything. It’s like a scene from Blade Runner. It’s like the opening of Blade Runner. It’s very cool. And it smells horrible. Yeah, yeah. You feel like you’re in a toxic wasteland dystopia.
Exactly. I was thinking Brazil. It reminds me of the movie Brazil, uh, because all the, uh, piping and there’s even piping. So if you go out to, um, there’s a little community college indicator called richland community college. And there’s literally pipes that run from archer daniels all the way to the college because they heat the college. Wow. And that was part of a bargain that was struck. uh, when the college was built out there, I was actually going to college there when that was built. So that is incredible. Heated by soybean steam. Yeah. Heated by soybean steam. Yeah. Yeah. Decatur, the only town that’s had two major explosions, uh, industrial explosions, uh, in, uh, I guess in the seven, well, I guess it would be the eighties in the two thousands perhaps. So, wow. Yeah. Uh,
there was an explosion in the rail yard that knocked all the windows out for about a mile. And, uh, and then Archer Daniels had a coal, uh, dome there by the college and it exploded, uh, one year. So it had been great. So, but you, but you’re from campaign though. So, you know, champagne’s got its own, uh, you know, set of things to deal with. Wouldn’t you say? I mean, dude, you can’t, I mean, no places at utopia. That’s true. But I do like, I do like that. You know, as far as I know, we’ve never had any major explosions that, that’s true. I don’t recall. Well, farm aid farm. That’s true. Maybe that was incredible. I was in high school and they asked the thespians at the high schools to work as stagehands and like tons of my friends got to meet Sammy Hagar and work backstage and, you know, just,
It was incredible. We lived through some great times down here, man. Yeah. I remember I was in Decatur, oddly enough. I remember watching it on television. John Cougar, Mellencamp, and Willie Nelson and all those guys. Yeah, Farm Aid was a whole big thing. There’s not many of those things anymore. There was Live Aid. There was Band Aid. There’s Farm Aid. What’s next? I mean, have we had an aid program? recently uh i think gofundme just squeezed them out of the market. True, true. I guess so. because I mean, there’s not those kind of, uh, you know, kind of things happening anymore yeah that i can remember. I mean, in the 2000s has there been anything like that? You know, we just probably fixed it everything’s fixed everything even the uh armors are fine.
African children are fine. Everything’s fine. Everything got fixed. They did the comedy thing with the Red Nose Day. Oh, yeah. Whoopi Goldberg. Yeah. Robin Williams and Billy Crystal. Wow. That was incredible. I remember that. They had another thing. It was the Red Nose and then they had something else. It was a comedy thing that was for charity. Growing up, We had those Jerry Lewis telethons all the time. Oh, God, yes, a Jerry Lewis telethon. Yeah. That’s one of those, again, that’s something that will never happen again because, you know, who would set all that up? You know what I’m saying? Nowadays, are we just too – is everybody just really lazy these days? Is that the deal? I don’t know if lazy is the right word. Overwhelmed? I mean, dude, we evolved to, like, squat in caves and watch fires and eat berries, and now we’re like –
checking our email at 6 30 in the morning that’s just we did not evolve to do this. I know, but you think all the work that went into the telethon with jerry Lewis. I mean, it was not just, uh, I think it was in las Vegas. I think a lot of times it wasn’t just there. It was all the local ones. because they would go, it was, it was like the weather report, you know, they go now in the weather in your area. And then they would go to the people in the, uh, like indicator and champagne and they would do their telethon update. And that just doesn’t, I mean, it just doesn’t happen anymore. I guess because it doesn’t have to, but maybe. Cause we fixed everything. Oh, everything. Oh, okay. Cured muscular dystrophy. Yeah. Really? Children’s hospitals are empty. We live in amazing times. Yeah.
i did not know i was maybe i missed the report on that one i i thought we still had you know cancer and you know i i guess aids is subsided somewhat from medication but there’s a guy that comes on my tv every day and just says we’re healthy and the economy’s great and i mean he wouldn’t lie so probably don’t think so all right you know i mean i don’t want to think about it because that would be bad So you mentioned being young in Champaign, right? College town, big college town in central Illinois. So growing up, what was your aspirations? Are you living them now, or did you miss them? You know, I had always thought, like so many people in the Midwest, that I wanted to get to California. And I did go to California, and I was like, oh. And then I came back.
I was like, you guys can’t drink your tap water? Yeah, I was going to say, what was the big response there? Well, I mean, the people I lived with taught me about a term called super fun cleanup sites, which is a huge density of in Southern California because of the military industrial complex that was built out there. Traffic. just oh God you know, I used to work in the mountains and I’d be driving into the mountains and I would see lines of cars. I mean, two hours from LA, two hours from LA when the traffic’s moving at the speed limit. And I would just like you people live out here and need to go there. You’re driving three hours a day and they’re just not phased by being in the car for that long right
I mean, you know, down here in East Central Illinois, man, it takes you longer than seven minutes to get someplace. You got road rage. That’s so true. That is, you know, Chicago is probably the worst traffic for, you know, a thousand miles or something. I don’t know. And it’s, I mean, as long as you avoid rush hour, it’s not. It’s not that bad. No. It’s not insurmountable. It’s fine. It’s true. It’s not even that bad. You’re right. If you just don’t go at those certain times of the day, you can get in and out of Chicago pretty quick, too. Yeah. Now, you want to see a snarl, man. You ever been to Washington, D.C.? That is… Yeah. Wow. Wow. That’s crazy. That’s why they have such a great subway. So what were you doing in California? What were you doing for work? I had some friends of mine that were building a house, so they let me live with them and work for them building this house. It was a geodesic dome home. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay.
Up in the mountains, man. I mean, I got to tell you, it was one of the finest work environments I ever had. I mean, we were in the mountains. I could see the entire valley. One day it rained, and I could see all the way down to Temecula, which is about halfway to San Diego, and it’s just crazy. So did you finish the dome? Yeah, yeah. Do they still live there? Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, it’s pretty cool. So you went all the way out there just to build a house? Yep. That was the goal? But then you decided you’re like, I don’t want to build another one? Or what happened? I would just say to any young comedians out there listening that if you have an opportunity to have some people be your friends, landlords, and employers, don’t. I thought that was going to be some cheery answer there. You might be able to get away with one of those. I mean, you might have a friendly employer or a friendly friend or a friendly…
but not you don’t want all you don’t want all that you don’t want that to be one person wanted to be all wrapped up in one thing especially when they’re dealing with like converting a construction loan into a mortgage and you have to get inspectors and you don’t know whether to bribe them or not it’s a whole thing it’s very stressful it’s very stressful oh so they take bribes in california okay you know i don’t know bob that’s the problem no you don’t we couldn’t We couldn’t understand what the holdup was. It was like, how do we offer them a bribe? I mean, if that’s, I mean, we don’t know. We didn’t know. Yeah. I thought, well, my guess is worst case scenario. You put it on the blueprints. You just put the money there and you just wait and see what happens. We thought about it. I’m certain. Okay. I’m certain.
Well, hang on for just a second. I’m going to throw it over. Gary’s going to play us a little song, and then we’re going to come back, and I think we’re going to play a game. Sweet. What do you think? Okay. All right. Take it away, Gary. One, two, three, four. You should have said that so fast, Gary. I wasn’t ready on the other button. All right. All right, thank you very much, Gary. Thank you very much. Gary in the Fleet Tones, everybody. I wasn’t sure if you were going to come back or not, Gary. Dude, it’s Christmas time. There’s always something more to do. Oh, you were wrapping presents there for a minute. I’m hanging mistletoe. That’s fantastic. Dude, that’s great, man. I had lunch with the guy who did that aha video, man. Did you really? Yeah, his brother lives here in town.
Well, that is like a groundbreaking video. It’s one of my favorite ones because it’s a rotoscoped thing that was just mind-blowing at the time. I mean, now MTV’s gone. What do you think about that? Well, I mean, once they ran the real world, the very first time, it was all downhill. They might as well change their name. Is that what you’re trying to say? I mean, it was fun when they played music. Although I always think about, I had an English teacher one time and she says, you know, when I hear certain songs, I think about that cafe in Paris where I heard it for the first time. And he says, and you guys will think of the MTV music video. And I was like, Ms. Langston, you cursed me. I mean, at that time it didn’t have the cachet and now, you know, there may be a little more cachet to it because nobody will be like, well, they’ll go like, what?
Because, I mean, music videos aren’t really a thing anymore, right? Dude, there’s music videos for everything. There’s multiple versions of music videos. Really? Do people actually watch them? Yeah, I do. Okay, well. No, when a song comes out, they do a live, maybe a narrative, and then they’ll do, you know, maybe a live concert version. Then somebody will do a lyrics video. Then there’ll be an official lyrics video. There’ll be like five versions of the same thing out there. Oh, my gosh. I’m totally not aware of any of this. Yeah, that’s because everybody else listens to Spotify, and I listen to YouTube. Oh, there you go. And that brings us into our segment here, The World Gone Mad. So mad. So mad. So throw out a crazy thing that’s happening in the world that you’d love to talk about. Oh, my God. Well, I mean, my favorite thing in the world right now is the drunk raccoon. Holy crap. Yeah.
That is the hero America deserved and was waiting for. I don’t know if you just heard, he was a repeat offender. Well, I think, yeah. My guess is that once the raccoon gets a taste for alcohol, it’s not going to stop. Dude, I just, I freaking love, I mean, you can’t help but love him. I mean, if there’s one thing America loves, it’s a repeat failure. Do you know what I mean? Just can’t get enough of it. We are so forgiving. Just, oh. Here’s what’s crazy. So on my show, I broke a story about a drunk raccoon in Kentucky the week before. Oh, really? These people heard this noise in the dumpster, and this Kentucky woman jumped into a dumpster, retrieved an almost deceased drunk raccoon, gave him CPR until small animal clinic people got there, saved this raccoon. Wow. I know. And I was like, you…
You saved a trash panda. Well, I think dumpster jumping in parts of Kentucky is a sport. Sure. I mean, actually parts of all over the place, but yeah, dumpster jumping, but save the pan trade, save the raccoon. Well, that’s great. I know. And I thought that was so wholesome. And then the next freaking day, a raccoon breaks into a liquor store, gets plowed. Yeah. Well, the, Consumerism, right? So if the dumpster is kind of, there’s the negative connotation there where he’s, you know, down and out he’s basically drinking dumpster juice. Whereas this, this, the one in the liquor store, top shelf, right? He’s got gold flakes on his lips from the jose corvo gold that he had. Yeah. I absolutely thought it was just such a piece of America, man. The liquor store immediately had a social media campaign with pictures of raccoons holding up different things. There you go. I particularly liked, raccoon recommends Patron. There you go. And then the local animal shelter, they got a kill-free animal shelter there. They started selling merch with the outline of a little trash panda and just a trashed panda and passed out next to a bottle, you know, little squigglies over his head.
They raised over $150,000. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. And I was like, it’s stuff like that. How do these things happen? It’s stuff like that that happens. And I’m like, okay, America’s not quite gone yet. It’s not over yet. You have to wonder, though, like, what is the catalyst, right? Because you’ve mentioned the dumpster diving panda. And, you know, we’ve got to mention the show, Facebook for the Blind. Thank you. Tuesdays, right? Tuesday nights, 9 o’clock Central Time. And you can Google it with just five characters. I’m so proud of that as a librarian. It’s just FB4TB. FB4TB. Five characters. All you got to type, it’ll take you there. Very nice. One of my friends came up with a handy mnemonic. It’s fuck boys for tuberculosis. Well, of course. And that’s easier to remember than the name of my show, unfortunately. So there you go.
Oh, it’s very catchy. Facebook for the blind. I mean, it’s nice. We hated it. It was a placeholder. We were like, well, surely we’ll come up with something better than this. Well, the fuck boys thing. But, you know. Yeah, we could if I had to change the name now. Tuberculosis is hot. I mean, thanks to RFK, TV’s coming back. That’s right. It’s going viral. They’re doing all they can do to bring a lot of things back, apparently. A lot of stuff going viral. With that. They’re like, oh, inoculations. No, you don’t need any of that. Inoculations. No. Rub some dirt on it. Walk it off. That’s right. What are you doing? Go for a swim in a river. You know, we got some choice rivers in the area. I got scarlet fever once. I just smoked up a little bowl of some ivermectin, and I was fine. And you’re all good to go. Put some calamine lotion on it. You’ll be fine. Do they make calamine lotion anymore? You ever hear of that? You know, when I had – That pink stuff. They do. And I remember when I had a little – I remember getting it for her when she was about six years old for mosquito bites. Yeah. Yeah.
Poison ivy and mosquito bites, exactly. So that’s interesting, the trash panda story. And I think you should do your own merch with the dumpster, you know? You know, I’m pretty invested in pink guillotines. Well, that’s true. I own, you know, I’m a shareholder of pinkguillotine.com. Your number one source for fleet guillotine, corporate fleet guillotine rentals. Yeah. Oh, good. They have a good rent-to-own program, too. I feel like you rent a guillotine because you see a couple things to do around the house one weekend, and then you just start seeing uses for it everywhere. Does it need to be pink when it comes back? I mean, they’re dishwasher safe. Oh, okay. You know the crazy piece of trivia that for some reason I have stuck in my head? The last use of the guillotine in France…
Was what year do you think? It was pretty modern if I remember right. Wasn’t it like the 60s? 1977. Yeah. Star Wars was out. At the same time, they dropped the guillotine on somebody. Dude, you’re just getting me nostalgic for so many things. Star Wars. But you’re trying to bring it back. So maybe, you know, I don’t know if your pink guillotine is over in France internationally yet, but maybe you’ll. spur on, so continued use, so we’ll have to change that bit of trivia yeah pink guillotine.com go there, give me all your money. There you go. But maybe you could have uh you know, combine the raccoon with the guillotine somehow. You know, I’ve had a lot of people, I had a friend of mine’s kid said I needed to combine it with a clown said you have to have a clown that runs the guillotine.
i don’t quite understand that, to be honest. Well, I’m having the same issue with the raccoon, but at the same time, it’s a very common thing. People are like, that’s cool. We should add something to that. It’s like american food. You know, it’s just like, could we put that on a stick? Could we have a cheese sauce that we dip it in? Is there a way we could add sprinkles can we can we put it inside of a waffle? Have we tried it with a side of ranch? There you go. I don’t like ranch. I’m one of the few people who perhaps I will not eat ranch. Do you like ranch at all? I occasionally will dabble in some ranch. You just made me remember that I am a huge fan of green peppers. One time at a wedding, a friend of mine had the ranch
dressing like served in these green peppers that were just cut and hollowed out, you know, and spoon in them. And I asked at the end of the night if anybody cared and nobody did. So I dumped all the ranch out and i ate these green peppers and they were amazing. I just gotta tell you. It was it was unbelievable did you eat like an apple or did you eat it, like cut it up? I mean, it was, it’s just, it’s just coated on the inside and you just oh my goodness i i gotta tell you. Never had it since. You know what? Kind of a callback here is if you put a little raccoon inside, it’s kind of like a dumpster. And you can call them drunk raccoons in a dumpster. That’s your recipe. Smear ranch on the inside of a hollowed out pepper and put a little fondant raccoon in it. I can tell you want baking shows because you’re into the fondant.
You have a young girl child as well? I know all the baking shows. I’ve had to sit through a few baking shows. I love them. I love Nadia Bakes. That’s my favorite. The funny thing is I like baking shows not because I want to do any of it. It’s almost like home improvement shows. I am so enamored with the fact that they can do what they’re doing that there’s no way in the world that I could ever do that. And I’m like, this, this is great. Cause these people are skilled. I can’t remember. There’s one thing that my kid watched. I know we watched the whole series twice, but it was a, it was a contest of teams and one was a baker and the other was an engineer and they had to build these like roboticized cakes, you know? Really? I mean, just they all had to have mechanisms and devices and yeah. And they would,
They would fail in two ways. The cake would always be pretty good. Robot cakes. It was robot fighting cakes. It was insane. You went to a British show and it’s like, this is such a delicate little tart you’ve made. It’s got such a nice crumb. It only did it in five hours. Then the American show was like, we’re going to have you run across this live fire shooting range. Picking up whatever ingredients you can. My vanilla got shot. what are we gonna do back when it was just iron chef and we were watching it from was it, Japan? And you were like, this is great this with ink what could you possibly make with that? Oh my goodness. That’s great. Anything else in the world today that’s bothering you here as we we finish up? Bob, you don’t want to say anything. Everything bothers me. I’m angry. I’m a comedian. I’m a comedian.
I wake up in the morning and I say, I hope something makes me really, really angry today. What was the last thing that made you angry then? It’s the same thing every day these days, man. I work in libraries. I was specialized in business information. I really like truth and facts. And there’s just this fire hose of untruths and unfacts. and there’s just no way to swat it all down i just that’s what ai is for. AI is supposed to take care of this i i don’t know what ai you’re using, buddy, but mine’s mine’s you remember when you were a kid and you figured out that caffeine made you thirsty and you were like, Oh my God, that’s why they put it in drinks to make me buy more that’s what you’re doing oh my goodness trying to
Don’t you just love it? Nah. Yeah. Life’s rich pageant. I do. Exactly. Well, uh, so Facebook for the blind, uh, pink guillotine, anything else that you, uh, want to mention? Uh, Merry Christmas. This is going to air by holidays. Happy. Oh yeah. Yeah. It’ll come out just before Christmas. Excellent. New Year’s resolutions. Since we’re talking about stuff like that, man. Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. Not written. You know, I never, My resolution is generally to make no resolutions. And even sometimes I have a hard time sticking with that. You’re messing with it right now. You thought about it for a moment, and then you’re like, wait a minute. I’m not going to fall for this crap. No. Well, everybody, Eric Sizemore, Facebook for the Blind, Pink Guillotine, and now his new project, No Resolutions. It’s basically a blank page that never changes. He just puts the different year on it. Yeah.
Watch for it. 2026, 2027. Thank you so much for having me, Bob. Pleasure to be here. Thanks, Eric, for being here. Play us out, Gary. Thank you.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

I said, hey, Bob, take a walk on the wild side. And all the colored girls do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Cool. Static. Hello, everyone. This is Burgermeister Meister Burger. There’ll be no toys for you. The funny thing is you kind of look like the Burgermeister Meister Burger. Yeah, I know. I was just watching this cartoon tonight. You do. You look like him. You kind of, you know, stick legs with a big, big potato body. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
You can call me Warlock or Wizard. Yeah, not that guy. Wizard or Warlock. I don’t know what this is. Hey, happy holidays. It’s almost time. Might as well say it once. Happy holidays. Happy Hanukkah for those who celebrate. It started yesterday, I think. Happy holidays overall. Nice cold weather here. You got the blizzard. We got cold weather. It’s all good, right? She got the gold mine and I got the shaft. She got the gold mine and I got the shaft. Seems confident, but it’s too hot. Wow. Hey, son. So, yeah, it’s all happening. Another year gone. Wow. Crazy Hanukkah. Wow. Wow. You’re gone. Almost. A couple weeks here. We’ll be done with that. Yeah. All happening. So what did you get me for Christmas? Anything? Well, I’m getting you nothing. Oh. But I actually did think about getting you something. I should talk about this. Yeah. Go on. A real quick thing.
i was, it was over the weekend, I think. And I’m like, I should, you know, I saw something and i’m like, this is something that miles needs, but if it’s too expensive, I’m not getting it. Okay. Uh, you want to guess what it is a self-grooming kit as you bought me before, maybe, which i found very nose hair trimmer. Yeah. Yeah, I found that very awkward to get something from that. From one man to another. I thought that was a little… No, I… I came through one of the socials for a Talking Red Fox doll from the 70s. You big dummy, man. Yeah, and it was… And I’m like, if I can pick up one of these Talking Red Fox dolls for $20, I’m getting you that for Christmas.
So I went on the hunt, and they’re all like 60 bucks. And I’m like, well. Oh, man, you got ripped off. Well, and it’s not Fred Sanford. This is actually just Red Fox himself. Oh, he goes blue. Yeah, and it was a toy for children back in the 70s. Oh, nice. You got to wash your ass. That’s right. You got it. You pull the string, and he said a few things. And I’m like, oh, Miles would love this. But I’m not spending over $20. And so I’m like, maybe I could get a cheap one. But no, no luck, my friend. I should get you a completely nonsensical gift. Okay. So nonsensical. Just completely. How about Tanya Harding porn pictures? I mean, you’ve already done that.
That was so 1990-something. They were photocopied into oblivion. They were like the 10th generation photocopy you sent to me. And not to mention, just recently you sent me something that was disturbing and weird. I don’t want a Christmas gift. Just because this lady was missing some of her anatomy, you got a little uptight about it. It wasn’t just that. It was like, why in the world, what made you sitting at home on your phone or whatever think, oh, Bob would really appreciate this. She’s a model. I thought you’d like enjoy that keister. Do I send you model pictures or anything? No. I think you want to, but you don’t. I don’t want, if I wanted to, I’d do it. Okay. Well, whatever. And I opened it up. I’m like, what the fuck is it? What? It was an Instagram account of miles. I’m sure that you were trying to send this to somebody else and it accidentally came to me. No, no, no. I, well, I was, you know, cause I, you know, I have that cake sitter, you know, count that like a lot. And then, uh,
women and Bananas, you know, I like that one. But this one was featuring like models, but missing like some of their stuff, you know and we’ll call them uh special models. I just thought you would enjoy it as a friend i know i did i was that was not anything that i really want to be. They’re a pretty girl. was a pretty lady what’s so what sure she’s pretty. I’m just saying whenever you you know it’s All right. Wow. I didn’t know it was going to cause this much problems in your life. I’m sorry. Well, it’s not causing problems. It’s just like, why in the world would you think that I would want this? Because I knew this would be the reaction it would get. You’d be like, okay, that’s three. Okay. The reality is it’s kind of like you and your Paul McCartney wanker thing going on there.
I tell him one story about the Beatles, about Paul McCartney and his buddies were doing stuff together. Yeah. And then that’s the, you just want to, you’re just trying to get, you know, get my goat here. And you doubted that story. You said, no, you are lying. So I proved, I don’t think I said, I think I said, well, I don’t care. Why do I care about this? You doubted it. You’re like, I, that never happened. I’m like, yes, it did. Yeah. George Harrison participated. It seems much more of a Ringo kind of thing. So anyway, I don’t want your weird modeling. I saw it on Instagram. I thought you’d enjoy it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for trying to share something. There’s no way you thought I would enjoy that. You thought, oh, I’m going to
you know, get this guy’s goat right here. Let me send this over. Okay. For the rest of the year, I will try not to send anything else. Okay. Thank you. I’m going to send you a nonsensical gift though. Okay. But it won’t be anything dirty. Just so you know, I don’t get the mail. It won’t be anything dirty. All right. So just relax. All right. I promise it won’t be anything dirty. Okay. Well, I was going to get you this talking red fox thing, but $65 is way out of the budget that I would have for you. Yeah, don’t do it. Yeah, exactly. So anyway, I do have a story. Well, bring on your story. So it is the season, you know, holiday season. And I went to Sam’s Club for my usual assortment of
you know, grocery items. By yourself. By myself. And I was asked to pick up some gift cards for not even for me. I don’t even know who it was for, to be honest with you. But they’re like, you’re going to go to Sam’s. Why don’t you pick up some gift cards and, you know, bring them home? Sure. You know, I’m not lounging around all day looking at special models and So I head on over to Sam’s Club. Now, normally, I just use my phone because they have this system where you can just basically scan as you go and then just leave. I don’t know if you’ve ever done. I’m sure you’ve never done this, but I do this all the time. This is way above me. Yeah, I was going to say this is way. You don’t have to stand in the checkout. You literally just scan it.
And then when you leave, there’s some little guy that goes, how many items you got? And then they figure, you know, they check you out and everything. So they don’t, you’re already paid and everything. They just say, yeah, leave the building. So I like this idea. Okay. No, it’s great. I do it all the time, but with gift cards, you can’t do that. Right. They have to do something. They have to do something on their fancy machines to enable the gift cards. And so I, um, I, uh, I had to go through the regular checkout. Right. Now I lucked out because normally the regular, they only have like one or two nowadays and the regular checkouts. And I lucked out because there really wasn’t too many people in the lane. And so I, I scooted in there with all my stuff and my gift cards. And then I get to the front and I pull, I pull out my Sam’s card, which I don’t normally use. Hmm.
And I got this little old lady. She’s like, I don’t know why she’s still working, to be honest with you. But that’s the world today. And she’s scared. She’s like, this card’s expired, sir. Can you go over to customers? I’m like, no, wait a minute. Hold on a second. Do you know who you’re talking to? I go, I’ll just bring it up on my phone. I normally do this on my phone. And so then I go and I bring it up on my phone. It says here, you know, touch here to get your card. And I do. And it says, oh, wait, we have to send a text to this number. And then you put in a code. I’m like, oh, my God. Right. And guess what? It’s not my number. Oh. It’s my wife’s number. So then she’s like, she’s like, sir.
And I’m like, no, wait a minute. I’m like, it’s texting her. I’m going to get the text, you know, and everything. And then this lady’s complaining about me to the other lady. Yeah. I want to leave. I’m like, hold on just a second. I know this is going to, I get to get this code and then we’ll be all good to go. Right. I mean, sir, I get off. We get off in 20 minutes, sir. If you could, Please hurry. This is the middle of the day. Our lunch break. The irony is just before I got up to the counter, she literally took like five minutes to bust open all of her change and put it in her change thing to give this other old lady back like 15 cents. Hold on.
And then I roll up there and I can’t get my card. Oh, you can go to customer service. I’m like, hold on a minute. I didn’t want to pull rank and say, you just wasted like 20 minutes of my time with this old bag who wanted paid cash. So I finally get it. I get my card, scans it. I’m like, see, it all worked out. We’re all good. This lady was so angry with me. You know what, sir? She was so mad. And all for these stupid gift cards that I normally would never buy. I’m going to send you the Bugle Boy of Company B, sir, but you’ve ruined it. Yeah, you’re like, sir, you can go to customer… I don’t need to go to customer service. I just need a moment to get somebody to text me back a code because…
Any other day, I don’t need this stupid card. I just come in and scan with my phone and you take my money. Today, you need a card and it won’t give me the card without a code. And it’s like, oh my gosh. It’s madness. It was madness. And I wouldn’t leave. And she kept getting, sir. We have many people behind you, sir. And then she looks over at the, I don’t know if she’s like the, There’s only two cashiers and they have a third person just walks around randomly. You have the Andrew sisters there. And she’s like, he just won’t go. He just won’t go. And I’m like, I’m not going to go. He’s one of those thieves. He’s a thief. Yeah. You’re just going to wait like two seconds for me to get this number back. I’m like, take a chill pill here, Alice.
We’re going to lunch, sir, in 10 minutes. So if it’s not ready to go. You just spent, you know, 20 minutes trying to break open these change rolls. Maybe she had to take a crap or something. She’s like, listen, you better hurry up. No, she didn’t. She just was being. Did you ask? You certainly didn’t ask. I left and she was kept checking people out. Finally. Oh. So anyway, it was just bizarre, sir. i’m like, cool your young lady. This is your system. I’ll have a chicken salad sandwich without the chicken that’s right yeah yeah so now i’m gonna be on, you know i’m gonna be on some youtube channel yeah the uh store security footage yeah old white man holds up line at Sam’s.
we were just waiting to get out and this guy ahead of us just wouldn’t stop. Yeah. So yeah, it was, uh, he was berating the staff. I was like, lady, I’m like, gosh, come on. I mean, this is how it works. It’s like, take it. I’m not going to customer service to punch in numbers. That’s where poor people, I don’t do that. It’s all screwed up now anyway because customer service is like hell and gone. It used to be like right there by the checkouts. Now it’s like it took over the old photo area way across the store. Ma’am, I’ve seen Estes Park in four seasons now. That’s true. I don’t think you know who you’re talking to. I don’t want to pull rank on you. I have seen it in all four seasons. I know. I know. Yes, I know.
is a little jealous of my i am like i’ll never make it there. I’ll never make it there drive it’s kind of closer to you than it is to me. Well, I don’t care. Yeah. but anyway that was by that was the holiday spirit i got. Sir. Sir. You can go to custom i’m not going to customers, sir. I know what i’m doing. You just need to hold on. I don’t think you realize that I saw the Mackinac Bridge this summer. I don’t want to pull rank or anything. Was that the Mackinac Bridge? I want to pull rank. I rode a horse-drawn carriage. Yeah, on Mackinac Island, just so you know. Me and my family. Wow, you’re really jealous of the trips. Don’t get me excited about my Alaska cruise either. That was very romantic. I went to Alaska. We watched some whales, according to my wife’s letter. My wife’s Christmas letter. Oh, you’re just… Okay, you’re going through the Christmas letter stuff. I didn’t realize all that was in the letter, to be honest with you. You should probably read it. Yeah, there’s a lot of
A lot of stuff about your performance issues and stuff. I’m like, this is really too much for a Christmas letter. That’s how bad it is. That’s the only way he can get. Anyway. Yeah. So what’s, what’s going on with you? I have to go to customer service. So I, uh, You got my Christmas card. Thank you. All right. Well, yeah. Thank you. Yeah. I got that and a postcard. Yeah, the postcard. Yeah, I’ve had to switch pharmacies here. What? Why? I switched pharmacies. There’s something wrong with this big pharmacy chain, which I will not mention the name. CVS? But they’re on just about literally every freaking corner, basically. I’m not going to mention their names. I’m just going to say they’re fucked up. One of the two. All right. We’ll just go with one of the two. So I, uh, I’m like, okay, so fuck it. I try like a smaller pharmacy first. I don’t know if I told that story or not. Maybe I did, but I don’t know. I haven’t heard about you. And cause I mean, you get a lot of drugs, a lot of people. I do. Yes, I do. You go, when you go in, the pharmacist is like payday, payday.
Is this guy transitioning or something? My God, drugs. This guy is taking this guy. He’s got everything going on. This is my best buddy. He’s made, he’d get me a swim pool this summer. Yeah. No shit. So my family has gone to like a, like a, I don’t want to say a box store, but like a, a larger, you know, thing to get theirs. And I do like, well, I just have to be an asshole. I’m going to try like a smaller pharmacy. And I went there, and you know how animated I like to be. I go, you know, this big chain sucks. You know, the big one. They suck. They suck. They suck. I need a new place. And they have a very small, it’s a small, small pharmacy. This lady’s like, oh, yeah, well, we’re really good. We’re good. We’re the best. Good, good. I’m like, all right, I’ll go with you. Oh, okay, okay. Well, sign this piece of paper. Sign this piece of paper.
Right out of the gate. Your signs and papers, please. And I go, well, okay, because I need some stuff. I need some meds and stuff. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a long list of medications that I take on a regular basis. Yes. She’s like, Ozempic. That’s what she said. Looking at you, sir, I’m thinking you’ve never taken Ozempic. And so two weeks go by. And I’m like, okay, I haven’t heard anything. And I go in there and same lady, same crew of people. There’s only like three people that work there. But I go, hey, do you remember me? I was in here two weeks ago. I was kind of animated. I was telling you everything. You said sign this piece of paper. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I remember you. Yeah, we weren’t. Yeah, we weren’t really sure if you were really going to come here or not. So we really didn’t do anything. I thought you went there.
I go, ma’am, I, I didn’t really argue with her, but I’m like, I, I go, no, I was two weeks ago. And where you said, sign the piece of paper. Oh yeah. But we weren’t really sure if you were really coming here or not. You look like a liar. I’m like, okay, all right. If you looked up on Wikipedia, liar, there’d be a picture of you. I don’t know. I just give off a certain vibe. Because like I say, people like when I jump out of my car at a parking lot, people immediately lock their car. I always hear that. Well, first of all, I can’t imagine you jump out of your car. Let’s be honest. Well, my back’s not out yet. You get out very slowly and make a lot of noise. I’m like Cannon getting out of a car. Yeah, me too.
so i try this. I finally give in i go okay everybody i’m gonna go to your pharmacy. I give up right on the little one so you didn’t even, I gave up. You signed the paper and then that’s it. You didn’t do it. Yeah. Totally right about you. Yeah, I guess she was. Yeah. She lied to my fucking face. I’m like, all right all right well you know all right that’s fine better than her other answer was, I didn’t think you’d make it two weeks. Yeah. We were hoping you would die. It’d be dead of liver cancer soon. I can see it. Yeah. So I’ve only been to the new place a couple of times. So I’m like before the show tonight, which I know you forbid, but I went out. It’s just, we have a time. You should actually be there at the time. No, this is like, this is like seven o’clock. So I go there and there wasn’t many people there.
And there’s a lady kind of sitting in chairs. I really didn’t take notice of her at first. She was busy doing something. I’m like, okay, well, whatever. And there’s, like, some Army veteran ahead of me, and he wants something, and, like, they can’t find it. They’re looking around. It’s a small pharmacy. They seem to like it. Mm-hmm. And anyway, so I look over, and this lady’s like, Coloring, like coloring in a coloring book or something. Oh, okay. Well, some people find that very relaxing and, you know, that’s fine. That’s the, uh, what is that? The Marilyn Monroe nudes play, a coloring book you got there. Oh, I’ve got the same one. I know it’s, uh, yeah. Hedges that look like a vaginas and stuff. Okay. And, uh, so she’s wearing some kind of, uh,
uh unique ensemble. I’m like, okay. All right. Well, that’s okay. Who am i to judge you know did you go, are you a model? because I look at a lot of models yeah yeah and uh so i’m waiting for army jack to get down i’m like okay waiting i’m waiting i can’t find it it’s like the cashier and some trainee, like they’re just shadowing each other. Like, okay. So waiting, still waiting, you know, and I, i get this thing at night time where i’m always like clearing my throat as everyone can hear. It’s all the time. I don’t know what’s going on yeah i get all phlegmy and gross. And so i’m kind of then i noticed like the lady in chairs starts doing it or something like that. I’m like, oh, what? then I realize now she’s got like a fucking trach. Oh, nice.
And she’s blowing shit out of it. How did you realize this? I used my peripherals. Oh, okay. And I could see she’s blowing shit out of her trach. Gotcha, yeah. And I’m like, holy cow. I’m like, you know. You looked into your future. Yeah, I’m like, I hope that’s not spunk. Man, I’m like, jeez. Yike. You’re so gross. Yeah, I finally get, you know, after Captain America gets done, I get up there and I’m like, I don’t know if you know who I am, but I’ve been to New Orleans. I don’t know who I am, but I’ve been banned from every pharmacy here. I’m not welcome. I’m like Joseph and Mary and Jesus all rolled up in one. I’m not welcome anywhere. This is the manger as far as I’m concerned. Nope.
at the end for you. Yeah, no one loves me. I go, you know, I had to pull your thing. You know, I was in New Orleans this summer. I don’t want to brag. I went to the World War II Museum. I only went on one vacation this summer as opposed to four like some people, but… Gotta put them in. Sir, we’ll look right away because we don’t want to get you upset because we know you’ve been on vacation and we haven’t, so please let us… We don’t want you loitering. Yeah, like, yeah. But he hangs out all day coloring you right around. And then something like a jazzed up dude shows up to my right. And he’s like filling out some kind of form. Like, Oh yeah. Oh, it could have been one of your relatives. He’s all like, Oh, I’m like, is this like a gremlins? Like don’t get these people wet at night or something or what the fuck is.
I don’t know. I felt bad. I didn’t want to be judgmental. Yeah. I seemed, I, it seemed like a lifetime, but yes, I did get it. Yes. Lord knows you can’t go more than a day. I mean, well, I try not to run, you know, cause I get texted like, you know, Mr. Title, you know, your, uh, you know, diapers are in, if you want to come get them. Okay. Yeah. Your lubricated catheters. Yeah, come on in. So, yeah, I finished up. I was very happy to leave. I was like, okay, I’m going to leave. God bless you all and good night. They’re like, do you have a cart? You might want to go get a cart. I don’t have a cart. I’ve been on vacation. The little hand basket is not going to work for what we got for you, buddy.
I’m medium rich because I’ve only been on one vacation, but if I’ve run four, I’d be super rich. You’re in the top 3%. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah, nice. So you’re all okay now? You’re all squared away? Yes, I have my meds. Out of the claws of the wall CVSs of the world? Yes, I had to explain this all to my doctor last week, and he’s like, yeah, they suck cock, man, don’t go there. He goes… I know. You want me to write you another note so you can get another pharmacy because you keep getting kicked out of them? Yeah, all right. You keep creeping out the pharmacy assistants. Although I did say, hey, listen. Hey, baby, what’s your Instagram? I want to send you some modeling pictures. Oh, yeah. I saw my doctor for a checkup last week and I go, oh, I was hoping you had a trainee with you this week like the other doctors.
He goes, what are you talking about? Which doctor? And I say, oh, this is Dr. So-and-so. I go, his student. He’s like, oh, yeah. I’m like, oh, you little devil. He’s like, oh, yes, yes, yes. The doctor was ogling the students? Yes. He does. He does. No, I’m joking. no i’m joking i’m joking no i can see you doing that. You’re like, you want to listen to my lungs. They’re kind of full full of trick yeah full of something

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

yeah that’s what I’d like to hear Bye. Bye. There it is. Did you talk over the gong? Are you there? What? Yeah. Are you going to say this is Miles or no? Well, no, this is Miles, but I think you talked over the gong thing there, so I could not really hear you. Oh, sorry. There’s a gong at the end. There’s a gong. Get it on. Bang a gong. Bang a gong. Get it on. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Listening to the sounds of old T-Rex. Welcome. Are you the holiday spirit, Miles? Welcome to the winter solstice, which is static radio. Thank you. We’re the winter solstice. The planets have aligned and the show continues. Okay. That’s what I say. That’s what I say. That’s what I say. Kids, are you listening? Yes. Yeah. And back in my day, the show always went on. That’s right. Pantless. Yeah, no matter what. That’s right. No matter what. Oh, my goodness. Now, I’m going to bring up a subject here that is not a typical subject that we talk about.
Well, don’t get into that. Don’t let your imagination run there. And many fantasies were learned on that day. Have you noticed there’s this trend here lately? So you and I went to film school, right? And we were taught A couple of things, not really too many, but a few things. And I’ve noticed this trend on online video. Everybody’s so fucking lazy. They’re even lazier than we are, which is hard to believe. They have people holding these tiny little microphones up by their face. And then they hold it up by the other person’s face. Those microphones are really cool, but… I mean, we were kind of taught to you don’t see the microphone unless it’s like interview style and then you have a regular microphone to kind of portray that rather than a microphone that’s actually supposed to be hidden, which is like a lavalier mic. And it drives me fucking batty. Not only that, they’re so lazy. Here in
I don’t know, in Iowa, do they have sports betting? Yeah, donkey races. No, no, I mean like real sports. Yeah, they do. They do. They do. So in Missouri, they just opened up the online sports betting on December 1. And we’ve been barraged for now over a month with commercials. It’s coming. Sports betting is coming. There’s going to be sports betting. And all these commercials online and so forth are so shitty. There was one, I don’t remember what the sports bet was, but it’s literally a guy standing behind a water cooler with a coffee cup on top of it and a microphone sitting in the coffee cup. And he’s talking about how sports betting is coming to Missouri. It’s like, they’re like, hey, Billy, make a commercial for Sports Betty, Missouri. Well, how the fuck am I supposed to stand here? Just put the microphone in a cup on top of this so it’ll be the right. Okay. Let’s just take random, you know, objects in the office and stack them up to where we can have the microphone so I don’t have to hold it.
Hey, this is Mark McGuire. They’ll be betting in St. Louis pretty soon with the betting circles. Pretty soon. Pretty soon. Then I see one with the uber-famous LeBron James. Okay, right. And he’s holding the little tiny microphone like he’s a goddamn fairy up to his mouth. He’s obviously on his phone because it’s vertical and He’s got the phone on the table, and he’s just staring down into it. That is the commercial. Hi, this is LeBron James. Sports betting is coming to Missouri. Why would he care about sports betting in Missouri? He got paid. He got paid to do it. He’s paid a lot of money. He probably got paid a million fucking dollars to stare down into his cell phone holding a gay fucking microphone. Why don’t they have Ozzy? What’s his name do it? Ozzy Smith.
Ozzie Smith, yeah. He’s a hero. Come on. Well, I don’t know. I’m just saying. I don’t know. It just is driving me totally bonkers. And Deardorff. They could have him. He lives in St. Louis. Deardorff and Harts. Come down and have a steak. Here at Deardorff and Harts. But it’s just driving me batty how shitty. I mean, the commercials are shitty. They have big names making shitty cell phone commercials. People are doing Domino’s commercials in their cars holding these little freaking microphones. Hi, I’m Carol Channing. Just clip it on your shirt. That’s what it’s for. You can hide it. I know these microphones. They have magnets. You can put a magnet and you can hide it on your shirt. That’s what you do. I notice it’s more like on these Facebook
clips where these guys are like on the street talking to like these women that have been, you know, out and about and drinking, whatever, ask them like really inappropriate things. And then, you know, women say, you know, something Friday night. Yeah. All right. No, but they’ve got the same setup. It’s like this little teeny microphone and they’re like, you know, like girls, would you ever kiss another girl? Hey, here’s my little, uh, fame microphone. look at it. You do know, you may not know this, but i know this. They have holders for those microphones to make them look like a regular sized microphone yeah they do and they don’t know anything we don’t want that no no we don’t want that we and the other thing is it helps with vibrations and, you know, people rubbing their fingers on it going Right. cordy no, they’re just
like hold it like it’s a turd. Little tiny. I’m picking up turds micro penis oh my God. I’m just like, it just, it just drives me nuts. I was, you know, and the thing is because now we don’t, there’s not really television. Nobody watches television. It’s all streaming. Those same commercials are on all the streaming services that play commercials. Like if you get Netflix and don’t pay enough or, Peacocker don’t pay and Paramount don’t pay the upcharge to not have commercials now. All those commercials, those shitty commercials are on those. Right, right. Oh my, you know, I feel it. I feel, well, I’m mad because I hate it. I’m also mad because shit, we could have been doing this all along, making big bucks. Why weren’t we doing this? It wasn’t allowed. It wasn’t allowed. Exactly. It wasn’t allowed.
I’m like, just take a minute and you can hide it in your shirt. It only takes like two seconds. No, we don’t want to do that. I mean, what makes me so mad is these people are lazier than you. Yeah, pretty much. And that is pretty goddamn lazy. Yeah. That’s pretty. You know what grinds my gears? Peter Griffin. You ever wonder? Why do people hold microphones? Why would LeBron James do a cell phone commercial? LeBron James calling. Yeah, I was just like, I was just thinking about it tonight. I was just like, this is making me so angry. I can’t look at these things. This is Billy Gibbons calling for onslaught. I’m right in here in my sleeping bag. Sleep inside my sleeping bag.
Let me do a commercial for sports betting. This sports betting is literally a billion-dollar business. Mm-hmm. Let’s not put inequality into any of the commercials. I’m the ghost of Pete Rose, and I’m here to tell you that St. Louis is coming alive with sports betting. Sports betting. It raises the dead. Mm-hmm. Anyway, I don’t know if you noticed that or not. Just saying. Yeah, just more or less those men in the street things that I like to watch. I suppose I should have known that it’s all like women sitting on food or eating bananas. One time. One time I watched something like that. All your relatives out on Friday night going, hey baby, what would it take how much would it take for you to put your tongue down this other chick’s throat? Wait a minute i gotta get my tiny mic over by you. Hold on a second papa might give me this. Yeah. The, uh, no, it’s just, I don’t know. I don’t know why it drives me so crazy, but it does. It’s like, oh my gosh. Now I’m just gonna start dming you all these videos now i’ll be like hey look at it no don’t it violates
basic human decency. I’m being harassed. Sexually harassed. Facebook already hates me already. I’ve already been in trouble twice with Facebook over posting stuff. I’ve never been in trouble on Facebook. I know. I’ve just quit posting on Facebook. I hate Facebook now. What do you mean? Facebook was your first love. Well, we’re divorced now. We’re divorced now, man. Your every breath that I take. Nah, man. I love Facebook. It’s the best thing in the world. It holds me incredibly. It loves me. Not anymore, man. It rubs my feet. I’m TikTok all the way. Oh, my God. You know, the Chinese own TikTok, my friend. I don’t care. I don’t care. I love the Chinese. They’re my favorite. You know who owns Facebook? Mark Zuckerberg. Well, I don’t know, but I bet he’s pretty rich. I don’t know.
I’ll put my credit card information here on TikTok. It’s all safe. All right. I don’t know. I mean, but I know this microphone thing is just driving me nuts. I’ll get you one of those little microphones and send you out and around talking to people like a little. Have you ever kissed another girl before? Would you kiss a rabbit between the ears? One has 50 bars and holds back. I’ve got this pocket full of quarters. Yeah. All right. Dick Smothers here. Yeah. I heard he was using that joke. I heard he used that joke on that poor little girl from Love Boat actually. That little girl. Yeah. Yeah. As old as you are. Okay. Well, I’m just saying back in the day, allegedly, I believe she’s telling a story where he said something
to her, something like that. Well, it’s okay. It’s all right. I’m not defending Dick Smothers. I bet you do. I bet you do. You got that look on your face. You mean Tommy or Dickie? I can’t remember. Dickie. Dickie, really? Yeah. Look it up. What are you reading here lately? you know, the, like to expand myself and watch different things. Okay. So, uh, uh, what erotic Wikipedia or something? No, it’s out there, man. It’s out there. Beatles doing circle jerks and Dickie. I, I, I am a closet, a love boat fan. And, uh, yeah, I do watch interviews from time to time and, uh, you know, exciting. Isaac, you know, Isaac had some good stories, you know, Hey, Vicky Stubing, I got this pocket full of quarters here. Look it up, man. No, I’m not looking. Anything you tell me to look up, I’m not looking. You’re always like, no, dark web. I won’t look it up. Yeah, who knows what’s going to happen. I’ll be like you. I’ll be banned from everything. I don’t know. I just put very innocent stuff. Yeah. Let’s see. Let’s see. Vicky Stubing.
Alright, I’ll find this article. I’m going to find this article. And you’re going to read it. Yes, the other week you didn’t want to hear about the Beatles. Paul McCartney’s story about the Beatles to kind of whack it in the same room right by each other and laugh. And you would not accept that story. You shut it down immediately. You’re like, no, no. Everybody’s talking about Revolution Day. So what’s going on with you other than your strange precaution to look for dirty stories online about the 70s superstars? Well, actually, you’re talking about dirty stories. You know, every once in a while, you… Did I ever tell you about my Wally Cox story? No, no, I don’t know. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to hear it, no. No, you know, you have a lot of stories as a young man because you work.
you worked like 12 different jobs at least before you were even 18. Probably. I mean, you did everything. I’ve been working since I was 11 years old. I believe you. I believe you. Yes. And, uh, why don’t you know, you’re always talking about, uh, McDonald’s like some crazy shit happened there. You wouldn’t believe it. I’m like a little skeptical, like, I don’t know. I mean, you know, like, oh, the manager would pinch my butt and this girl did this in the bathroom. And, uh, you know, I stole this and I’d wash my clothes, my underwear and all these crazy stories. I mean, you’ve got probably at least half a dozen McDonald’s stories that you’ve told. Yeah. I probably haven’t even told them all yet. I’m like, certainly, certainly all this nonsense could not be going on, especially with management around and, you know,
What do you mean? Management’s half the nonsense. Come on. Well, this is getting to the story. So this, so I’m going through the old tick tock and there’s this poor guy up on stage and he’s telling this McDonald’s story. Cause he used to work there like around 1990 or so. I don’t know what it was actually, but this guy gets up and I don’t know if he was about ready to cry or what, but he’s like, I worked there and I was a hard worker. And, uh, the, uh, the manager who tried to be cool, buy beer for everyone, took me into the cold locker. Uh, she wanted to be cool and she wanted to ask me if I would maybe do like a bachelorette party for her and some of like the managers at McDonald’s. Okay. Like amen or what? Yes. Yes. He was going to be the entertainment stripper.
Yes, he was going to be a stripper, and then they were talking about it. He was afraid of getting naked. She goes, oh, no, no, you will be wearing something. You won’t be completely naked. Was that underwear that has an elephant on the front? Yeah, no, it wasn’t even that. They gave him this orange thong, apparently, he put on. Was he going to be a vorat? I don’t know. It did not show pictures of what actually happened. It was this poor guy with a hat on. You’ve got a thong. Well, I do, but I wouldn’t do what he did. You wouldn’t? I figured you’d be totally into that. No. No. Didn’t you just tell me a couple weeks ago, you’re like, I want to be in a local production of the full Monty. Actually, I went to a pool party over the summer, I’ll be honest with you, and I thought,
Did you wear the thong? No, I did not wear the thong, actually. I wore the biggest pair of shorts I could find. They were hiked up to my nipples so no one could see my belly. Oh, my God. And so this guy goes to work in his uniform and like all the guys are kind of shooting him a look, you know, like they knew something was up. And so… They give him the thong to put on beforehand. He puts it on. It doesn’t really fit well, but he puts it on and he goes in there and it’s like the break room, apparently the staff or something, but it’s not a very big room. He goes, well, there’s like four or five older women in there. It’s like all management. Uh, they’re all smoking. Yeah. I take that. They put on some thong and this kid, you know, does it, you know, he dances, gets out of the thong and they’re all like,
they’re all having heart attacks from smoking. And it gets done and come to find out, he finds out later that he goes, well, I wasn’t even the first choice or the second choice or the third choice. This poor kid was like number five on who they were going to ask to do it. He’s like literally on the verge of tears he said yes he said yes I thought of you though. I like, look at this fat loser, you know, that worked at McDonald’s. Not a me. Management, you know, making fun of them, you know, my underwear without anybody asking me. Well, they, yeah, I don’t know. I guess you’ve been the perfect candidate for it. Cause yeah, this poor kid, you know, I would have been like, don’t come in the break room. Just bring some chairs back by the washer. I’ll be five minutes. The skid marks. Yeah.
Oh, my goodness. I believe in Michael. Welcome to hang out here with me while I wash my uniform. I’m going to clip my toenails if any women want to watch. I’ll hike my leg up on top of the washer here. Yeah. Nuggets. Oh, there’s a couple of nuggets there. Oh, my goodness. But I go, God, I felt sorry for the kid. He’s like, oh, no, they made me do it, and I had to run out and work. He’s got a harassment case there. Doesn’t that run out after, like, a while, though? Can’t you? Yeah, no. Well, I don’t know. Ask Bill Cosby. You got me. Bill C. Bill C. I don’t think you got a case, son. But if I didn’t think that was a young Bob Lament just telling his story. Nobody ever. None of my stories were like that. I know. I mean.
You were lucky. I think you were lucky compared to this poor kid. He was pretty upset about it. I wasn’t upset about anything. But he was upset because he wasn’t like the first guy they asked. I think he was really upset. And I think that’s a problem there. He was low on the depth chart. You know what I’m saying? Like, oh, wow. Man, they asked Bob LeMet first. He said no. And then I went to, you know, Yoder. And he said no. Yoder never worked at McDonald’s. I don’t know. I felt bad for the kid. I don’t even know what it was about. I don’t know if it was supposed to be a funny or sad story. Yeah. Well, I would have never done that. Oh, man. You would do it. No. No. I can’t even pee in front of people. I can’t even imagine me trying to strip in front of people. Give me a couple of slugs. No.
I can’t even, I can hardly pee in a urinal full of people, let alone try to strip in front of, uh, women much older than me, unless it paid well. And then I thought, well, maybe I could, well, I mean, I’m not cheap, but I could be had. Yes. I’m like, well, maybe people would go make out in the cooler whenever I was working. I never made out in the cooler, but yeah, you would really. Yeah. Are you sure there’s not some secret story that you’re withholding? No, I would probably tell you. There was outside doors to the cooler where you’d get the dehydrated onions. On McDonald’s hamburgers, they have little onions, right? Yeah. Those come in a bag, a packet, and then you put them in cold water in the stainless steel thing and you
put it into the walk-in. Oh, okay. On a certain shelf. And then it’s right there. There’s a door that opens out to the area where you cook the hamburgers. And if you need more onions, you just go get them. Well, a lot of times you’d open the door to get the more onions and there’s people in there making out. Oh, man. Sometimes with their hand down each other’s pants. Yeah. Hey, you know, if you guys want more privacy, go into the men’s bathroom. Go back by the washing machine. Yeah, go back by there, man. You see me put on my 5 o’clock show, man. Do my own push-push. Yeah. I only count one person with their hand down another person’s pants in there. People would go in there to make out a little bit.
what are you doing in there? Is this the quarter Pounder? And then they come out come out all you know. Hey, man, what’s going on the management oh yeah yeah where did you come from, baby? Hey, man, I want to see your nugget dance. Let’s see it. All right. The buns and nuggets let’s see Poor guy. I know. I felt bad for the kid. What was it? Confessional? I don’t even know what it was in reference to. It was like some guy with a t-shirt and a hat on. My name’s Miles. I used to work at Burger King. No, fuck. I was rich. I didn’t have to work. I know. You didn’t have to work like I did. It kind of looked like there was a guy in film school called Mark Neighbors, I suppose. Oh, my God. It looked like Neighbors?
Yeah. Kind of slightly overweight, had a t-shirt. Basically looked like a baby, but not really a belly, but a belly, like a baby belly. Yeah. So shame on you, management. Well, I mean, he shouldn’t have done it, but in my mature self now, he probably should. stuck up for himself. He probably should have pushed it down to number six. Yeah. And some nasty kid would be like, yeah, I’ll do it for $20. Double checker. Yeah, and then he would have been better off. What about it? He decided to do it. It wasn’t like, you know. No, I know, but the lady was kind of like, hey, this is my job if I don’t do this. Yeah, but come on. That’s not right. I never felt like my job was in jeopardy. I just felt like I was, you know… Doing it. I was, you know, being groped. Yeah. No one threatened my job ever. Well, you didn’t get paid for it. The groping? Yeah. No, but, I mean, in other ways, you didn’t have to work as hard. Well, at least this kid got paid something for doing it. Yeah, I guess so. Well, that’s it. So, you wouldn’t do it. I mean…
Back in the day, I don’t think that I would have done it, but the younger me did a lot of crazy things that today I would never do. Yeah, probably. Back then, I don’t know what was going on in my head. Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake. The funny thing is I probably wouldn’t do it because of the dancing. Yeah. Because all you can do is the Peanuts dance from the cartoons because that’s like your only dance. you just dance in place, like you do have like your own river dance shoulders yeah you do like the river dance or something like i would have been too embarrassed to the dancing i know that’s that’s what get me. I’d be like, I don’t know yeah well that’s interesting i i don’t even know how to dance.
Well, you have me on video trying to dance. Well, no, you took the video. I just got a copy of it. Well, no, I didn’t take it. I was dancing. You sent it to me though. It’s my faux dancing. Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know the thing about dancing. I don’t know. Well, that’s interesting. I don’t know. Have you learned any lessons here tonight? Um, Yeah, I suppose there’s something there.

Transcript (AI transcription)

so i heard you guys are just like two regular guys now, retired to podcasting yeah yeah just working joes yeah you know day jobs all the way down. We left the game. We left the game. The day the day jobbers as we’ll say. The day jobbers. You were there. You were there. Hey everybody, welcome to Mondo Frico. I got the day job. How are you guys doing, day jobbers? That’s going to be your new thing. I’m going to change the graphic from just two regular guys to day jobbers. Fantastic. I’m still recovering from Thanksgiving. Yeah. Oh, what happened to you? Did you hit my car? I just ate too much. Oh, okay. Your stomach. Yeah. Yeah. No. I’m good. I’m good. I mean, yeah, you can change this to the day jobbers now because I have a job now. Oh, you have a job? That’s even better. That’s…
That’s always good. You know? Fantastic. Now you can pay me, pay you what you owe me now. So that’s fantastic. I’ll be putting my Venmo up on the screen here in just a few minutes. I’ll get right on that. If you can, uh, if you want to hit that, maybe a QR code, just zap it with your phone. You’ll be okay. Yep. Yep. So, uh, thanks for being here today, guys. Uh, this little show, we talk about weird stuff and, uh, I know, uh, Robert said he brushed up on it, but I don’t know if you brushed up on everything. And all the weird stuff. There’s a lot. There’s a lot of weird stuff out there. There is a lot of weird stuff. Hence my background here where I’m standing in a swamp of some sort. At least you are not at your desk. Yeah, I’m not at my desk. I’m out in my backyard and out in the backyard at the swamp. So you guys, are you up for possibly a little quiz on the topic at hand?
Absolutely. Is it open book? Set up for failure. Is it open book? I got the internet in front of me right now. If you’re fast with your fingers on the goog, I think we could call it open book here. All right. Well, we’ve got our researcher on the other side of the camera. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, really? What is this? Another day jobber? No, they don’t get paid. They don’t have a job. Gotcha. Just somebody, the random person that came into the apartment. So here we go. We’ll play a little quiz music and get you in the mood. All right, we have a quiz on, uh, the Tina rush poltergeist case. Now you heard anything about Tina rush before? I told you so.
The way this quiz goes. Is this what the movie Poltergeist is based off of? I don’t believe so, but we never know. We never know. Yeah, you know, these days. Because the movie Poltergeist was based on some real. Yeah, but it was based on some, well, quote, real. Yeah, yeah. So the way the quiz goes, we’ll start out with questions that are easier, and then they’ll get harder as we go along. At least that’s the plan here. all right. Is this multiple choice or? Yeah, multiple choice. I’ll read the question. I’ll read the answers. And you give me what you think is the best answer. How’s that? All right. Yeah. All right. See how this is what was it the christy rosh or the tina tina tina rosh tina rosh poltergeist case okay all right in what u.s state in year did the alleged tina ross poker
poltergeist case activity also known as the Columbus poltergeist hint wink wink primarily take place Ohio choices New York 1988 California 1980 Ohio 1984 Massachusetts 1979 Ohio 1984 is the correct answer It’s going to be one of those bait-and-switches where it’s called the Columbus Poltergeist, but it happened in California for some weird reason. Is that like a hotel called Columbus? No, it was actually Columbus, Ohio. It actually started in Kansas. Yeah. No, it was Ohio in 1984. You guys got it right. That was an easy one. We’ll move on. Next question. What common household item was featured… In the most famous and controversial newspaper photograph taken during the poltergeist events, appearing to fly near Tina of its own accord here, I suppose. A, a table lamp. B, a drinking glass. C, a telephone receiver. Or D, a wooden chair. I’m going to go with wooden chair. Yeah, I’m feeling wooden chair. Why would it be? I don’t think any of those items are controversial, though. Really? Really?
Well, it wasn’t a vibrator, guys. Come on. Like a bong just floating around. Tina’s bong flew by her face. The ghost was getting high. So you guys went with D, wooden chair? It was C, telephone receiver. It was the 80s. There was a lot of telephones on long cords. I don’t know. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But why was it controversial? Yeah, I mean, that’s the question. What’s controversial? Well, the controversy was the newspaper photograph. Okay. Controversial newspaper photograph. So apparently people didn’t believe it. Oh, yeah, of course, because it’s not real. Well, potentially, yeah. I am a ghost skeptic. I do not believe that the ghost exists. Yeah, yeah. All right, let’s move on to question number three. What specific incident provided the strongest piece of non-antidotal evidence for skeptics who claimed Tina was faking the phenomena? She was holding the phone as it flew. She’s just talking on it. She’s like, look, see, it’s happening. Yeah, it’s happening. Yeah, woo.
My hand’s just on it, but the ghosts are where they want it. She’s pinching it, right? So A, Tina’s adoptive parents publicly confessed that they had orchestrated the entire event. Oh my God. B, a video camera inadvertently recorded Tina deliberately knocking over a lamp before reacting in mock surprise. C, investigators found a small motor hidden underneath the couch that was used to shake objects. Or D, skeptics scientifically proved that the thrown phone was a lightweight hollow replica. I’m going to go with B, the lamp thing. That she knocked over a lamp. You guys in agreement here? I’m going to… I want the motor to be true, so I’m going to go with C, the motorized couch. Oh, the motor under the couch. Yeah. They had sense around in their living room back in the day. Well, Robert got a
it was B. A video camera inadvertently uh recorded tina deliberately knocking over a lamp just before uh reacting in mock surprise. You got that one. How many is that that’s two yes two so we we got we got two more to go. We are number four. Okay. All right. Years later, Tina Rush, under her adult name, which was totally different for some reason, Christina Boyer, I guess she got married and changed, I guess maybe her full name is Christina. I mean, Christina, I think you can start under Tina. Yeah, Tina, yeah. And then, you know, you get married, you change your last name. It’s not that weird. This is where it takes a weird term. Was convicted in connection with the death of her daughter. What specific legal plea did she enter to accept the conviction while simultaneously maintaining her factual innocence in order to avoid a potential death sentence? That’s hardcore here. Now we’re zooming into…
We’re zooming into the, you know, the murder podcast thing. I know. I was about to say that. Yeah. True crime. Now we’re going to true crime. And, you know, we got it’s all legal, legal up in here. A plea of Nolo Contendra. B, a standard guilty plea with admission of the facts. C, an Alford plea or D, a Magnotten rule plea. I’m going to go with McNaughton rule. I’m going with C, the Alfred plea. Oh, really? But I think it’s A, but I’m going to go with. You think it’s A? A, C, and D. Robert’s just hedging his bets here. You know what? Robert’s going A and D. Let me do B and C so we just cover all the bases. Yeah, let’s put a tenor on A, B, and C. Okay, well, actually. D is my final.
D is your final answer? Okay. And C is the correct answer. I’ll give it to you guys. Half of you got it. I knew that one. The day jobbers here got it. So, wow, that’s good. You got three. This is the last question. Let’s see if we can – well, I guess you’ve made it over the halfway point, so you’re better than 50%. So let’s see if you can push that up a little bit on the last question. A long-standing controversy surrounding the Tina Rush case primarily stems from the direct conflict between which two forms of evidence? Here are your choices. A testimony of the foster parents versus the official police report on the initial disturbances. Parapsychologist William Roll’s documented observations versus the accidental video footage of the lamp being knocked over. See the estimated value of the damaged objects versus the amount of insurance money claimed by the family.
or D, the initial newspaper report versus the later segment on the TV show Unsolved Mysteries. I’m going with D again. I’m going to go with C just because you always got to follow the money, man. Like these things get away with it until money gets involved. And then someone’s like, OK, we like everyone’s willing to believe in a ghost until someone says, yeah, that ghost cost me $50,000. Then someone shows up and is like, OK, we’re going to take a look at this. You can believe in ghosts all you want as long as it doesn’t cost us money. Exactly. But it’s clearly an act of god the pre the the the insurance company doesn’t have to pay out under those circumstances. Yeah. Wouldn’t you say god is paranormal in some way, shape, or form well that’s yeah that’s why it was an act of God. They didn’t have any control over it. oh yeah, we can’t well god wanted this. I’m sorry, uh It was b paris psychologist william rolls documented observations versus the accidental video footage of the lamp game we should have went with that just because we had ordered cover that the lamp was
They brought in a parapsychologist as an expert witness. Yeah, apparently they did. That’s a kangaroo court right there. They might as well have just had the poltergeist come in and testify. I’m assuming we’re going to get into this, but I’m still trying to figure out why were the cops involved? Since when do you call the cops because of a ghost? Because there was a murder, right? Well, no, I think that was later. That was well after the poltergeist. That was the she went into adulthood to be a murderer, apparently. Well, then let me let me tell you about the Tina, a quick few paragraphs about the Tina Rush case. How’s that? Sounds good to me. Got a little mood music. Can you hear me? Okay. Yes, I am. All right. The Tina Rush story, also known as the Columbus poltergeist case,
centered around the 14-year-old Tina Rush, now Christina Boyer, in 1984. Reports emerged from her foster family’s home in Ohio that objects, including plates, lamps, and a telephone, were flying or moving on their own, often with Tina as the apparent focal point. Her foster mother contacted a local journalist, which launched the story into the national media sensation, featuring a controversial photograph that appeared to capture a telephone receiver suspended in midair near the frightened teenagers. Parapsychologist William Rall investigated the case and concluded that the events were genuine, spontaneous psychokinesis. Arrest that man. Arrest that man. Where’s he at these days? We sent him to jail. The case quickly became a battleground between believers and skeptics. Critics, notably magician and investigator James Randi, argued that the phenomena were a hoax perpetrated by Tina, who was described as a troubled and attention-seeking adolescent who had experienced trauma.
I love James Ramsey. He’s the best. Skeptical investigations pointed to anecdotal evidence and questioned the famous photograph’s authenticity, suggesting Tina had simply thrown the phone crucially. It did look like she was throwing that phone. A hidden camera from a visiting television crew once captured footage of Tina deliberately knocking over a lamp and then screaming as if the poltergeist was responsible. This footage led many to dismiss the entire case as a deliberate fabrication. The story took a tragic turn years after the alleged poltergeist activity faded. As an adult going by Christina Boyer, she was arrested and charged in 1982 with the murder of her three-year-old daughter, Amber, who died from a fatal injury while in the care of Boyer’s boyfriend, David Herron. To avoid the death penalty, Boyer accepted an Alford plea in 1994, pleading guilty while maintaining her innocence in the crime.
She was sentenced to life in prison plus 20 years. The complex and often controversial life of Tina Rush, from the poltergeist kid to a convicted murderer, continues to be a subject of true crime investigation and debate, exploring themes of childhood trauma, media manipulation, and the justice system. Wow. That’s a lot to take in there. I blame Nancy Reagan. It’s always safe blame the Reagan. No, because Nancy, so I don’t remember the name of the the reporter she like spearheaded journalism and she, she had herself committed. So that way she could write about what was going on inside of a insane asylum. Oh, insane asylum. Yeah. And then she came out and she wrote that article and Nancy Reagan saw it and said, okay, just shut them all down. So they just shut down most of the state hospitals in the, across the country in asylums and if they hadn’t done that, this woman would have gotten the help she need.
needed when she was a kid. Yeah, she wouldn’t have gone to either murder a child or be start dating a guy who murdered her child. So you’re you’re firmly in the camp of not a poltergeist. Absolutely. I mean, that’s what I’m gonna say is in your telling there. You said, like I said, a hidden camera recorded her knocking over a lamp and then panicking. And I think it just speaks to the state of mankind that your next sentence was leading most you dispell it i’m like most i feel like everybody should have been like oh she’s faking it but the fact is just most and they’re still with a small port but but it could have been a ghost you know we had like a gas leak you know back in the 1980s yeah and there was lead everywhere there’s a lot of weak gas pipes yeah there was a lot of lead lots of things and who knows what
companies were pumping into the ohio river valley yeah that’s true a lot of uh you know a lot of p fats yeah a lot of water environmental pollution going on back then chemical pollution into the waterways. Yeah. Well, but the interesting thing is is that so I’m a little I mean, not that I believe that she had a poltergeist necessarily from the story, at least from the information that we have. But the interesting thing is it really does highlight the exploitation of the media because there’s nothing better. Oh, yeah. Back then, because we don’t you know, we don’t have back then, you know, you didn’t have social media, you didn’t have anything like we have going on right now. And a newspaper person, you know, they want to get
recognized for their work. And so they go in and they hype something up as much as they can. And so maybe, uh, Tina was just, you know, when she got caught with the fakery, maybe something had happened and then she just wanted to perpetuate it because she wanted to stir it on. She was egged on by the reporter in order to get, you know, to keep things going. The, the poltergeist kid became her moniker. I mean, come on. I mean, he doesn’t want to be the poltergeist kid. Was she making money off of it? That’s the question. Was there money in getting being exchanged on some level? They didn’t say that she was making money. I mean, other than potentially the National Enquirer may have paid her to have a story in it. I mean, I definitely do agree with that idea. Whether there was an original incident that caused the whole poltergeist hysteria or whether even that, the original incident could have been disproved. But what
Once the media horse is going, it is very hard to stop. Like, yeah, they might want to keep pushing you because it’s like, yeah, this is news. This is something that’s going to get eyes on your paper or on your news broadcasts and stuff. And then for her and her family, it’s like, yeah, especially, you know, in the day before social media, which, I mean, in my opinion, were better days. But still, before social media and all the ways that it’s easy to get your face out in front of people, like if you can certainly be known because you were, you know, the girl who was being haunted, like that’s a straight access to fame that most people don’t have back in those days. Like back in 84, you can’t just pull out your phone and film yourself for 30 seconds doing something ridiculous and throw it up on TikTok back then, you know. Throwing a phone up in the air and taking a picture. Yeah. I mean, this was also the height of the Poltergeist films because the first one came out in 82. And I think the second one came out in 85. So like, I mean, that was that was that was light.
Those movies were all the rage back then. There’s a whole thing about it. I know you guys. Well, you guys were the former watching it, guys. Now just a few regular guys. But yeah, so the Poltergeist movie was produced by Steven Spielberg, directed by Toby Hooper. But. You know, the scuttlebutt is Steven Spielberg directed Poltergeist. Do you guys know this? Oh, it’s because he was hiding. He didn’t want them to know that he was directing it. Right. Well, no, Toby Hooper apparently kind of wasn’t work wasn’t working out, but he didn’t fire him. He just basically directed the film around him and then still gave him credit. Interesting. Yeah. I mean, hey, I’ll take credit for a very well-known movie that i didn’t have to do anything for. I mean
They still kept me them royalty checks because I’m like, I’m all in on that. I think that they had a strained relationship, but I think they’ve worked it out since then. I was about to say, if Steven Spielberg is listening, if he wants someone to come and sit in a director’s chair while he actually directs a movie, I mean, I’m available. Like I said, he’s a retired podcaster, so I got some free time. It’s kind of like a Stephen King, Richard Bachman scenario going on a little bit, a little bit. Yeah. The interesting thing to me is maybe maybe there was. You know, I like to give us given the benefit of the doubt, let’s say there was an actual initial incident that kind of triggered this. Right. And something happened or maybe more than one thing happened. And then once the press gets involved, it’s kind of a Schrodinger’s cat kind of a situation. Right. And and so then it all kind of gets out of control and everybody just loves the attention.
including the foster parents. And it kind of rolls on from there. So wait, these were her foster parents? Yeah. She was a foster kid in their house. Okay, gotcha. Do we know what happened with her parents? No. Or like, why was she in foster care? situation because obviously she was an unwanted child apparently well yeah well yeah she was unwell. She needed. I mean, I feel like the psychiatric assistance. I would like to know more about what happened with the foster parents and if they were involved, because my thought is, I mean, I don’t know. I feel like, you know, foster kids, you’re getting some money from the government for them. And I feel like you should be able to be like, can we get some more money for taking a haunted child? Maybe that was part of the conversation. The goths walk into the, oh man, what’s it called? Where the children live when they don’t have parents. Orphanage? Orphanage, yeah. Goth kids walk into the orphanage. Y’all got any haunted ones around here? That’s a real rage right now. We’re looking for them.
of them maybe the child of a killer, you know? I don’t want a regular child. Only a haunted one, or possibly anyone one who’s been so traumatized seeing visions and stuff, you know? One of them unique one all the kids are, like, drawing with crayon on the wall, but there’s one that’s, like, just got the pentagram going and chanting like that’s that’s our kid. That’s our one right there. Got any Manson family children available? That’s a request right there. Looking for lineage to the Manson family. Anyone? No, that’s interesting. But I do think that there is a possibility. Obviously, we brought up James Randi. James Randi is a famous debunker, and there’s a great document. He’s passed away. Great document. Oh, I was about to ask, is he still with us? Yeah, he passed away. Last time I saw him, yeah.
But there’s a great documentary if you look up James Randi on wherever. Look him up. You’ll see the documentary, which is a fantastic documentary. One of the best tricks that James Randi ever did was he lived the life as a gay man and never told anybody. Yeah. What? Oh, yeah. Now I get what you’re saying. He had a really upsettingly young boyfriend. that was yes an illegal alien or something. Yeah, exactly. That’s part of the documentary. But, but he was, you know, he was gay at a time when you couldn’t be gay and out and so forth and lived his life that way and never really even, I don’t think, came forward. um I lived to be 92. i i heard you’re, you’re being weird there, Bob, at first. I understand that because when you said he lived his greatest criminals he lived as a gay man. What I thought you were saying is
He pretended to be gay as a trick for decades. And then in his 50s, he’s like, oh yeah, by the way, I’m not gay. This was all just an illusion. That would be an interesting twist on it these days. I don’t know if it’s a worth it trick, but I guess it’s interesting. He was an extremely popular debunker back in the 70s and 80s. Extremely popular. And he would go on all kinds of shows back then. debunk all these people, right? And I guess evidently tina was one of them. That he took upon the uh mantle of debunking. Because he used to have it and this was back even in the 70s, a million dollars if you could prove uh yeah any of this any of this real yeah yeah telekinesis yeah bring it bring it into a controlled scientific environment yeah you know this is.
but all you had to do was fool him. You didn’t even have to fool everybody. You just had to fool him and get the million dollars and nobody ever did. So he had put it into, it was like a lottery thing where he put it into a trust and it, you know yeah it would pay out over time. Right. So, but anyway, uh, very interesting that he’s linked into this story, which the funny thing is, especially as soon as i read it, uh, you guys jumped in and said, you know, Oh, this is all fake because James Randi’s involved. So he was such a good debunker that even his mere mention of his name being involved in anything threw it right into the not ever possible scenario. Just talking about debunkers because whenever I think about debunking and stuff, I always just remember this investigative journal piece where it was with a psychic and the journalist brings a photo of a boy and they’re like, can you tell us what happened to this boy?
And it’s like, oh, yeah, I could. Oh, he died a tragic death. It’s very sad. And like, oh, he did. Like, yeah. And then like they’re meeting like a cafe and then they walk up the cafe and I have the boy walk. I’m like, hey, I’m that boy. She’s like, oh, are you? It’s just like she’s just like so adamant, like, oh, well, very young age. And then he’s like, oh, by the way, I’m the boy. It’s just like, oh, well, a miracle. You’re alive. I was thinking of you in a past life. you look the same. I was thinking of your past self. Yes, exactly. Psychics are always so crazy to me because it’s just like, what are you doing? Like, if you really had this power, you would just be rich. You would go find the nazi gold that’s hidden somewhere by talking to the spirit of the nazi that hit it. Or you would guess the lottery numbers every week or whatever. Like, you would just i mean have all the money like you don’t need to get the crystal ball and the light show going on.
I’ve always said psychics, they’re either terrible people if they really have the power, or like you said, they’re bad at their job. Because I’m just like, if you’re a psychic, I’ll believe you in a heartbeat if you call me and you’re like, hey, by the way, don’t go outside today. I’ll believe in you then. But if I got to call you to get the advice, I’m like, you should already know. And if you do already know that something bad is going to happen to me and you’re just like, well, he didn’t call. So I’m not going to tell him. Well, then you’re a jerk. Because I’m like, you know, you’re like, I don’t know. I was going to get hit by a car today, but he hasn’t called me yet. So I guess that’s just on him. I’m like, well, screw you then. The interesting thing is, you’re right. And I always when I talk about these, the weird thing is I’m on the fence. So I believe in some of this stuff and don’t believe in.
a lot of it, but there is some of it that I think is really true now. Um, but the, all the, the, one of the lines of demarcation is money. If anyone is asking you for money or money is involved in any way, chances are it’s not true. Yeah. Because as soon as you, you bring money into any of these scenarios, then it’s all about the money and not about what’s happening. I mean, Phil’s got to eat too, man. But apparently they can eat without money. Is there a ghost currency? Is that where the Bitcoin goes whenever you don’t see it? Yeah, that’s where Bitcoin really goes to is the ghosts. These nuclear reactors don’t fuel themselves. But I think that that’s always the line of demarcation is anytime there’s money involved, then it all goes out the window.
Because interestingly enough, now, have you guys, either one of you guys ever had an experience that you would call paranormal in any way, shape or form? Yes. But I’m pretty sure it’s just hallucinations and things like that. No, just so we want to talk about it. So I grew up in a house that when I was living in it 40 years ago was 100 years old already. And it used to be 140 years old. Me and my brother shared what? think you would call like a day room that was in the back that used to be a doctor’s office creepy so people definitely died yeah but they were getting somewhere with this, like this is back i mean, this is, you know, 140 years ago, this is before they really had like hospitals that you went to really like the town doctor, about 50 of them just died. Yeah. The town doctor just, he had just an office in his house and you just went over there i don’t know what i’m doing wrong.
I guess maybe I’ll start washing my hands. Yeah. Maybe, maybe after I take a crap, I should wash my hands before I stick my finger in their wounds. Okay. Well, no, but I used to see like weird, like light shadows and things that look like some kind of spirit or something like down the hall and the, you know, in the, in the bedroom at night, but it’s, you know, I’m sure it was lead paint and a gas leak or something when I was, when I was nine years old. Yeah, the closest, and this isn’t, I would never claim this is paranormal, this is just jet lag, but if I said the closest I’ve ever gotten to, I’d say anything, was after, when I was a kid, after flying to St. Louis to visit some family, I was in my aunt’s living room, and she had, like, just a whole bunch of dolls, because she’s just that person. And I was sitting on the couch, and I was definitely dozing in and out of sleep, but at one point, I just saw, like, all the dolls just turned and looked at me,
and they they got like a little bit closer. But once again, I’m like, that was just jet lag and an overactive child imagination. I mean, they, they never did it again. So if they wore, they, they decided they were gonna you know, the spiritual, like, ah, let’s not mess with this one. because you know, I’ve been back to my aunt’s house and they never thought to she still has all those dolls well not anymore, but she did for, you know, like a couple different trips. You didn’t see et in there, did you? no no no no that’s weird well so i actually have had several experiences that would i cannot explain. That would not be jet lag, would not be. And these are as an adult, not as a child so yeah um yeah so that’s why i kind of um i i don’t know about Tina. You’re right. I think that tina was probably disturbed um in your assessment there from our short information that we had.
But there are things that have happened that are very weird, and so that fuels my, you know, kind of interest in some of these things. I’ll give you, like, there’s definitely weird and curious things. Like, I’ve always said I don’t believe in, like, things like psychics or mental connections like that, but I will say there’s something weird about identical twins. Like, they just have weird bonds that don’t make sense. Or, like, there’s even, like, the stories of, like, two twins that were separated at birth, and, like, when they… Like, are found later living, like, almost identical lives. And I’m like, yeah, there’s, like, once again i i don’t i don’t believe in, like, pure, like, mental links or psychic stuff, but, like, there is something going on there it’s just like but do we know how true are those stories? Because we read about them, yeah we don’t have any fact check going on it’s like it’s like oh there’s two identical twins separated at birth. They both ended up named Bob, and they both married women named tina and they all had two kids named kevin and whatever.
It’s just like, yeah, but that could all just be made up. Whatever’s an uncommon name, I think of that. But no, it could all just be made up. It could, it could. Actually, now I want to look into one of those and see if there’s any. Do you guys know any identical twins? Yes, I dated one, a twin, just the one. Are you sure you didn’t date both of them? No, no, no. I met both of them, but I only dated one of them. Those twins will do that sometime. I dated the cool one. switch out but no they they they talked about having, like, weird being able to communicate, you know, without talking and stuff like it but they wasn’t like they were hearing each other’s thoughts. They just were so tuned in and so close that they, you know, just had that unspoken language to be able to convey thoughts and ideas. And that’s the reason you’re not dating them anymore i’ve always i’ve always thought i didn’t go twins like you know it’s just like i if i was writing, like, a true or like a a
crime novel or something. I could have identical twins as the killer, but basically just based off with their identical DNA and the fact that they look the same, you can’t 100% prove which one did the killing. As long as you have a reasonable doubt, and you would always have a reasonable doubt because you can’t, like, yeah, they left DNA at the scene. Can you prove whose DNA? We saw them both into a movie theater together. one of them got up and left, went, killed somebody, came back and you proved which one it was. They were wearing the exact same outfit they were doing all the so it’s just like, I’ve always just like like that i i mean it sounds messed up to say like you think that’s why there’s no identical twin serial killers or is there? I don’t know. Yeah, maybe there are. They just don’t get caught. There was there was a case of uh twins that like there was a murder and they had the DNA, but they couldn’t prove which of the guys it was. Yeah.
So they shouldn’t convict the prestige. Yep. Yep. Now being a twins, can we sidebar on another kind of weird story? I just, I just learned this a couple of days ago, but I was, we, I was having a conversation with someone and we were talking and they were, they were talking about how many kids were in their family. There was someone there that would have like 16 kids in their family. Another person at eight. So I wanted to look up, okay, what’s the most kids like a woman ever had in her lifetime. And in 1725, There was a woman that was born in Russia named Valentina Vasileva. I’m probably butchering that. Who had, during her life, had 69 children. Yeah. This is crazy. That number doesn’t mean anything. Yeah, that’s funny. That’s funny. You ask yourself, well, that seems rough and hard. And let me tell you how much more rough it is. So she only gave birth 27 times. Oh, they’re all twins. 16 pairs of twins.
Seven sets of triplets and four sets of quadruplets. She was part of some kind of Russian Olympics thing. That’s the most fertile woman that ever existed. I mean, I’m looking at some of the photos. She had this long, forelong face of like, this woman’s seen something. She’s been through it. I would say if it was me, after the first the fifth set of twins, I’d be like, I’m out. I’m done. You know what happened? The press got involved. They’re like, the lady with the most twins. I’ve always, and I mean, just my luck, because in my family, I mean, not that these things really run through families, but it’s just a weird coincidence that, so my dad is a twin, and then my, not my, so not my grandfather, but my grandfather’s dad
is also a twin and so they’ve always said twins run in our family and they skip a generation uh so i’m set up to i’m part of the generation that should be twins but that’s the thing is so me and my two cousins none of us have kids yet i think it’s all because we’re waiting for one of the other ones to have kids and get the twins out of the way so we don’t end up being the one because it’s only one it’s only one person in the generation who has the two twins so three of us And we’re just all like, somebody needs to get this over with. Well, you didn’t know. They’re like, there’s a trust fund that we’ve been putting money into for the first kids that have the twins. Maybe. But they’re not telling you. I’ve always had a very hard stance. Not a hard stance. I’m just like, well, kind of hard stance because I would get something done. Like I was always like, when it comes to kids and it’s fluctuated, but it was like two or three. That’s if I’m going to have kids, two or three. And the only way I’ve always had, the only way I end up at four
is if we get to two and I don’t have a son, I might try for one more. And if we have twins, then, then that’s how we get to four, but then we’re done. Like it’s over. I’m not rolling the dice. I don’t care if there are four girls, I’m not rolling the dice anymore. I don’t need any more of my lineage coming out. So I, I’m getting something done. There’s no more kids are coming out of this equation. So, and I’m just like, no, I do foster care, foster care. We just, once they get to where they can crawl you just go and take them out to the woods and just there you go you know go be wild go figure it out i was bringing it back to ghosts and stuff you’re talking about how the haunted look on that lady’s face you know why that probably is because she was probably dead when that picture was taken because back in the 1700s and 1800s if you ever look at like old black and white photos and you’re like wow that the old person looks just haunted and like staring into space it’s like
They would do family photos after they died because his photography was so rare and expensive that you would only get one picture done. So it’s just like, oh, grandpa just died. Let’s prop him up in a chair and I’ll stand around the dead body while we take this photograph. Dress up people. Get closer. Get closer. I’d hate to be there like, hey, you come sit on grandpa’s leg. Do I have to? I don’t want to sit on the dead man’s leg, okay? That’s just a personal preference. Hold on a second, guys. I’m going to play a little message and then we’re going to wrap things up. All right. This is Jonathan. And this is Heaven from the OpaGhost podcast. And you’re listening to Mondo Freako. Toodles. Mondo Freako. Mondo Freako.
Mondo Frico. And I mouthed all that. See that? I know. You do the different voices and everything. It’s crazy. Yeah, look at that. Mondo Frico. Mondo Frico. So it sounds like, I mean, from early on, poltergeist thing out the window. This is just an excuse to be in the paper, get noticed. Poor Tina. Yeah. Not got a chance that this actually really happened is what you guys think. Yeah, correct. I mean, you asked in the quiz at the beginning, like, oh, was it the parents just messing with her? I’m like, and you’re saying like, well, maybe there was an incident that happened before and then it started. Then they decided to start faking things. There’s no reason that can’t all be true. That the parents, the foster parents might have just messed with her one time and she just ran with it. Yeah. I mean, that’s the thing is the story is all told about her and stuff, but I still…
would like to know, I mean, I’m not accusing them because we don’t have evidence either, but I’m like, I want to know what the foster parent, like, what did they have a hand in it? Were they a part of the part of like getting her in front of the media? Like that sort of stuff. because I could very, like I said, especially back in the day before it was so easy to get yourself out in front of people that I could easily see, you know, not trying to put that. My mom was a foster parent. So I’m not saying they’re all messed up, but I could easily see being a foster parent and being like, man, it’d be great if we could, you know, get some more money or be more known and be like, well, we can abuse this situation and, you know, let’s make Tina seem crazy and haunted. And, oh, now look, now the cameras are here and people are paying attention to us. And it’s just like, like I said, I’m not accusing them because like I said, also, maybe they’re completely innocent because we don’t have the proof. I’m just saying I could easily see it either way. And I find it hard to believe that a 14-year-old girl on her own would think up a scheme of being haunted to get famous. Nope.
and stuff oh that sounds exactly what a 14 year old girl would come up with. I guess i could see them coming up with it, but most 14 year olds also like when things start getting get like the press sort of, things are gonna have like you you lose your nerve real quick like oh i may have a bigger hole than i can even if i believed in, like, the ghost and poltergeist and and all that all that jazz and i would still be skeptical, especially since this came out, again, at the height of the poltergeist movie craze yeah Like, if this came out and, like, if this incident had happened in, like, you know, 1978 or something like that, I mean, I’d still be like, this is dumb, but it would make more sense. Yeah, if it was more during the bikini car wash phase, I would be a little bit less skeptical. Like, this almost sounds like it was viral marketing for the Poltergeist movie, is what this situation was. Well, I think, obviously, it had to be of some note because, as we mentioned, James Randi got involved, and he wasn’t necessarily…
I mean, he, he didn’t just go where the wind blew, he usually was there to disprove things that everybody else seemed to think that was, was real, like Kreskin and, and Yuri Geller, and all these famous people that were, you know, claiming their psychic abilities, he would show up and be like, Yeah, not so fast, buddy. I gotta I mean, and this is, you know, hindsight, you know, and stuff. We’re talking about this in the uh in the in the in the future after all this has happened and all that sort of stuff, but still, I gotta say, and robert just pulled it up again, that the photo of her, the, the phone photo, the alleged, you know, big phone photo that to me is like, really, you didn’t think that looked like it really, to me. And like i said, once again, this is me with my hindsight eyes. So maybe that’s part of the, you know, I have a bias, but to me, it really looks like, no, she do like, I just feel like she threw the phone.
Like the photo doesn’t look like if she was sitting there and the phone was like, like hovering next to her head, but it seems like lean back at an angle and it looked, and the phone looks like it’s moving away from her words. Like she, she, she threw the phone and they snapped the photo. I don’t know. It just doesn’t that, that their, their photo, like I said, does not, is not convincing. But once again, it could be because I have hindsight eyes and I’m, I’m biased because I already know how the story played out and stuff, but, um so it keeps me from seeing it objectively. I can admit that maybe that could be partly what’s going on and it is i’m looking at it as well. I should bring it up on the screen, but i i don’t want to mess everything up. If I do that, I’ll probably. Yeah. Well, so i also i thought it was funny that the foster parents names were joan and John. But interestingly enough, they fostered 250 kids throughout their life, which is just. And this is the only one that had a poltergeist apparently. Yeah. Yeah.
No, I mean, who knows? Maybe that’s why they foster so many kids. They’re trying to find another haunted kid. They’re like, we got one. How many dead children are buried in their basement? That place may actually be haunted. Yeah, that would be interesting, wouldn’t it? Well, I think we can conclusively say from all of our opinions that Tina Vash was not the poltergeist kid. And the poor lady gets no credit for anything other than murdering her daughter. Yeah, she gets some credit for murdering her daughter. Yeah, I want to know more about that yeah yeah because it really sounds to me like the boyfriend did the murder Yeah, and i’m like, oh, you got away with it. Because didn’t the kid, they’d specifically say that the kid died as a result of an injury while with while in his care, yeah. So is the boyfriend, like, are they both in jail, or it was it just her? Because, like, if they’re both in jail, I could see questions
See it as maybe. Yeah, like I said, we’re taking this from a mystery and supernatural podcast into the true crime podcast now. We’re pivoting now. Yeah, we’re pivoting to true crime here. Let’s see what it says here. Conviction and imprisonment. She changed her name to Boyer, which they don’t really ever explain. Even though her boyfriend’s name was David Heron. Maybe she was… It was on Unsolved Mysteries segment in 1993. The Alfred plea. I’m doing some quick research here. It doesn’t really say. Cruelty to children. It doesn’t say what happened. I don’t know. I’m reading about this. Amber was the daughter that died. She had a penchant for jumping out of moving cars. I don’t think this was a murder situation. I think this kid was just
hurt herself. Yeah. Tuck and roll, Amber! I mean A sad story all around. We got it very very very sad but i mean could that i mean, I’m just saying that because i mean i see she’s not she’s not guilty what if she’s not what if her alfred plea was legit? Like, she knew yeah so it says, what happened to david Heron? Who was David harris He was the boyfriend. Unfortunately, he had a violent streak she later mentioned and she was abused physically, mentally, and sexually by her husband. Well, this got unfun. Did he go to jail? I’m just saying. There’s a picture of him going to jail. I haven’t gotten that far, but it looks like he went to jail maybe for something else.
it doesn’t uh it doesn’t uh it doesn’t uh no no i see here david yeah 20 no no i see here david yeah 20 no no i see here david yeah 20 years why do we 20 years but years why do we 20 years but years why do we 20 years but he’s got not guilty for the murder he’s got not guilty for the murder he’s got not guilty for the murder 20 years in prison we got out in 2011. yeah 20 years in prison we got out in 2011. yeah 20 years in prison we got out in 2011. yeah so yeah if you’re if he hears this so yeah if you’re if he hears this so yeah if you’re if he hears this uh by the way he’ll know uh by the way he’ll know uh by the way he’ll know no i live in scranton pennsylvania no i live in scranton pennsylvania no i live in scranton pennsylvania that’s that’s that’s true yeah true yeah true yeah i work for a paper company i work for a paper company
Yeah. My office is right next to oscars or whatever. Yeah. Oscar was one of the characters on that show yeah yeah but yeah dark turn. Yeah. I feel like we’ve really gotten away from when was the last time that they had any kind of supernatural thing on the news or the television? Really? Like, I think we’ve moved past oh yeah i don’t think that whole like oh you can move things with my mind and stuff like that was a very, like, 70s, 80s, 90s thing, and then it’s fallen off in the new century. I think with a lot of the, like I said, it’s kind of everybody, and especially now that we have AI even more so, we’ve developed more and more tools where even if, let’s say, that supernatural stuff was legit, it’s so easy with the tools we’ve made, it’s so easy to fake now. It’s one of those things like, okay, well, if one person is fake, we all just assume that
all of it’s fake now. So I’m not saying i do believe or don’t believe. I believe more or don’t believe. But still, I’m not saying i do or don’t believe. But I will say because you can find five million videos online of people with, oh, a ghost or, oh, this is floating. And you can also find, you know, how-to tutorials on how to do those videos yourself or how to use ai to make it look like, you know, you’re moving stuff with your mind. So it’s just, it’s so hard that if someone does cut, thank you thank you uh if someone does come along and so like, look, I have psychic powers i’m gonna be like, oh, no, that’s just some clever video editing or that’s just some, you know, behind the scenes tricks or there’s, you know, like said magicians, a bunch of magicians have shown us how people could do cold reads and stuff to appear to be psychics or they’ve shown us how people can do stuff to make it look like they’re moving stuff for their minds. So I’m just like.
Yeah, exactly. But yeah, so i’m just like, I think that’s why it’s died down is this is right it’s too hard. Even if you did have, like i said, I feel sorry if you are legitly a psychic today. Like if there was literally someone who was a psychic and he’s like, no, look at this. I can move this with my mind. Everybody like, no, no, that’s just some strings, man. And it’s like, no, I’m doing it with my mind. No strings. Like, sure you are, buddy. Sure you are. Like, I just feel like if you legitly had powers you would have the hardest time in the world convincing people because it’s just everyone would be like, right, right. No, I’ve seen this before. He’s using the camera and there’s a guy back there. I know how it’s done. Everybody’s a know-it-all too. So they’d be like, no, I know how it’s done. I know, I’ve seen a video of this. I know how it’s done. And I think you’re right. I think that basically people kind of like this case with Tina have taken something that was, that may or may not have happened and then start attributing it to themselves. Like they’re causing it, right?
but that doesn’t ever really happen. I mean, you, you’re right. There isn’t any convincing evidence to say that people can do that and they cannot do it with any kind of regularity or effectiveness that isn’t, uh, typically, you know, found out to be some type of a trick like bending spoons or, or any of that kind of stuff. Or even if you’re predicting something, because it’s just like you, Everybody can throw it, like the kid or whatever. Oh, the kid died, you know, whatever. You mentioned earlier. Yeah. Anybody can make a prediction, and it may hit. You just never know. It could be random, right? And things generally people don’t bring up, you know, the kid to have an ice cream down the block waiting for you to screw up. That’s not the prediction. They always want to know about dead people or this or that or whatever. But I don’t think that that totally precludes the weirdness
of things that happen in everyday life that aren’t attributable to people, that just happen and you just happened upon them or happen to be in the area when they take place. And I’m also a big proponent on it doesn’t have to happen at night. Things can happen at any time during the day in any place and you just happen to be fortunate enough to be there when it does. And it’s not you. It’s just you happen to be there. And so those are the kind of things that I find interesting. Unfortunately, this isn’t one of them. There have been some other ones that have happened. Next time, Bob. Next time. Bring us the real deal. I actually have, and you guys are privy to this ahead of time, but I actually have constructed a database that randomly feeds me these things.
Is it AI powered? No, it is not. I pulled a bunch of data down in different categories and I click a button and it randomizes, draws from that data and randomizes and gives me a topic. And then basically I look at the topic and I think about who’s going to be on with me. And I say, oh, this might be good for these guys to talk about or whoever. And that’s why we got Tina Roche today. Nice, nice. Now you should create a separate database that randomizes your guest. And then it just says, we’re going to do this story with these guests. Make email sent. Everybody is not always available. That’s always the hard part. So I have to see who’s available. But thanks, guys, for being on. It’s been a pleasure. I will quote you as nonbelievers. And you think all it is is AI these days. But Tina was popular back in 84.
And then she got popular again after she murdered her child. So all’s well that ends well. But maybe not for Tina’s child. That’s a weird note to end on. Well, I mean, as crazy as she was, maybe she got off that train before. As crazy as she was, she’ll come out and she’ll be a TikTok sensation once she gets out of jail. But you guys hang on for just a second. We’re going to close it out, and we’ll see everybody else next time. Rico!

https://pod.link/1781723831

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

live streaming is on all right we are sctv is on the air everybody mambo hey everybody uh wait a minute i gotta play the thing no Hey, welcome to the struggle bus. This is Miles. All right. You know, I made that, uh, intro. We got a lot of use out of that intro. I made it 26 years ago. And we’re using it still. What is the laughing? I don’t know where did the laughing come from in there? Is that you or? No. I do say static. I am the person that says static. But it’s like just laughing. I just put some laughing in. It’s supposed to be funny. No, I just thought, oh, did he ever take this from a show we did or something? No. Do you remember in college I had these four different CDs that were all sound effects? You used it a lot. Wrong. Those were my CDs, assholes.
No, they weren’t. They were mine. No, I had some. I know I bought those. I bought those. They were mine. I don’t know where you got those from. No, wrong. I had some. I had at least two of them. You might have had some of your own, but I had some. Which have gone missing for many a year. Yeah, well, okay. They were stolen. No, these were mine. I purchased them. You never had any money in college, man. What fantasy is this that you bought? That’s why I remember… I was like, you know. We’re selling his blood. We’re selling his blood to get sound effects. Andy Warhol, I noted all my purchases back then because I had no money until I remember I bought those. Anyhow, it’s from him. Okay. However you remember it, Mr. Mr. Mustache. Gosh. It’s gone.
Yeah, I know, but I didn’t know that. I just found out after the fact that you had grown a mustache for a while. Yeah. How long did it take you to grow that mustache, by the way? That was almost 30 days. No, I mean to where it was full. I mean, it’d take you 30 days to get that full? Yeah. Wow. I had a full bush at that point, you know. You could have been in a centerfold spread from the 70s. Absolutely. No, I don’t know. It was a shitty mustache. I didn’t say it was shitty. I just said you look like an asshole. That’s all. Well, it’s kind of the same thing, is it not? No, not really. Why would I look like an asshole? What do we mean, an asshole? What would I… You look like, with the mustache, you look like you would be somebody who’s a prick. Exactly.
Like, hey, you kids get off my lawn, kind of? Yeah, like, you know, you’d back into somebody and be like, hey, what’d you run into me for, jerk? Better watch what you’re doing. I fought the war. I own this town, goddammit. I was in the Gulf. I got friends, you know, on the police department. Yeah. They put you in your place. They’re like, I was like an asshole. One of those kind of people, you know what I’m saying? Oh, okay. Yeah. I must’ve triggered something with you. I don’t know what. I’m like, Oh my God, look at that. That’s triggering. You’ve been triggered, man. Like, geez, you look like the guy that burned down my house. You’re the asshole. Yeah. No, you just look a little more authoritarian, potentially. Oh, I see. You got turned on. You’re like, no. You’re like, oh. Yeah, I did not get turned on at all. You got a little weird with it. You’re like, no. No, I just said, wow, look at that. Yeah. Yeah.
I think the word sexy. And it made your nose look smaller. Your nose looked much smaller as well. I do have a big nose. That’s true. Yeah. So kudos to the Grove Ember or whatever the fuck you’re calling it. No Shave November. Oh, okay. No Shave November. I think Grove Ember sounds better. Yeah. We just need to change that, please. Yeah. No, I’m done with it. I got rid of it. Come back next November? No? I’m going to try it. Someone said I should go with the goatee as well, so I’m going to try it next year. Oh, yeah. Now, you do the goatee. You’ll really look like a douchebag. Yeah, I’m going to go with the soul patch, man. I’m going to be… You look like fucking Guy Fieri with a diabetic in a wheelchair. Yeah. No, I wanted to… I told my wife I was going to do the pork chops. She’s like, you better not.
i want to look like nick offerman in that netflix show. He plays chester Arthur. Yeah. I watched that it’s pretty good, by the way yeah but you did yeah so but that’s not what i want to talk about this week. So this week i was going to talk about, uh, I kind of had a slight epiphany, perhaps. Maybe epiphany is too strong a word. But I’m a douchebag. I didn’t grow a mustache for November. Because you can’t. No, I cannot. Correct. So you had to be jealous of my shitty mustache. Even with 30 days, I don’t think I could have come up with a mustache as good as yours. Thank you. Thank you for admitting it. With the boogers in it. and the crumbs. Yeah. No. So I, uh, you know, uh, I, I, how would I want to say this without giving anything away too much away, I guess. Anyway, I, I have to do certain things for my job and I, you know, have to talk to people who are of some importance from time to time, perhaps. And so, uh,
week or so ago, I was in kansas City. I met up with somebody for my job and, you know, had to have a meeting and uh and i noticed something. Yeah. And I, but it made me feel good. Kind of like i noticed tonight that you you had that picture of your mustache. I was like, yeah, that made me feel better about myself. Yeah, well, good. I’m glad. I’m glad. So this did as well. So, I’m talking to this important person, a person of some importance, and I couldn’t help but notice that his glasses were filthy. The bulge in his pants. No, it wasn’t the bulge in his pants. Filthy glasses. Filthy. He turned his head, and the light hit him, and I’m like, holy schmoly. It looks like those things, you know, he had blisters,
monkeys grabbing him or something. They’re all smudged. Monkeys grabbing him or something. Grabbing the glasses because they’re all these fingerprints and yeah i guess i’ve never heard that before. Monkeys. Well, I’m just like something pawn at his glasses. And I was like, I was like. Maybe he’s at a strip place or something. Well, I don’t, maybe you’re right. I have no clue. I wasn’t with him at a strip place, but he could have gone easily. But anyway, I was just like, because I always have this problem. I buy really cheap glasses. They’re super cheap. I think the last pair of frames I got was less than $20. It is cheap. Yeah, online. I mean, the glasses, the lenses cost a little more, but the frames themselves, because I get these
you know, no-nonsense kind of things. You know, less than 20 bucks. And he is a man of means, this person I’m talking to. Would this be older than you, younger than you, or the same age? I have no idea. That’s a good question. I have no clue. I would say somewhere close to the same, perhaps. Possibly slightly younger. Yeah. But definitely much more upscale And, uh, wow. Uh, yeah, he probably, you know, makes six figures a year. Right. So instead of your three vacations a year, he takes like five, seven figures. What’s a million, seven figures. He makes seven figures. He makes seven figures a year easily. Holy crap. And I’m like, look at those smudge glasses. And I’m like, oh my God, what it’s an epidemic?
Where did you get the monkeys to play with your glasses? You got some weird fantasies. Well, you’re recently out of the country, sir. I bought myself a bunch of monkeys for Christmas last year. Well, not leave my glasses alone. I was, I was, I was, you know, cause you always go into these things and he’s obviously very well dressed, uh, you know, has some style to him as opposed to myself. Every cheek. Yeah. Oh yeah, definitely. Uh, you know, and you know, he, he looked, he’s very intelligent person. And, uh, and so, yeah. And then I look and I’m like, oh my gosh, those glasses. It was like really, you know, it’s really like, wow, you’re walking around with those on your face. Bella, look at those hands. Look at those tits. Yeah.
Yeah, I was like, it was, you know, a bit of an awakening. I had never really noticed that before with people. You couldn’t take your eyes off it, could you? You’re like, oh, my God. No, yeah. I was like, I kept, yeah, trying to get glimpses to make sure that I saw what I had seen, right? So that was always a double check, right? You’re always like, oh, maybe it wasn’t. No, it was. Mr. Grady, I want to see your glasses, Mr. Grady. This guy was, you know. I don’t know what he was doing. Changing his oil and then handled his glasses or something. They were all smudged up. Oh, I was out making wine. You never think about these things, huh? Because you wear glasses. Oh, mine are filthy all the time. Mine are extremely filthy. I can clean mine. I don’t even hardly leave the house and I have to clean them. How does this happen? You go to bed, next morning you go to put them on and you’re like, was I frying bacon or something? What the fuck?
Who’s slapping their dick on my glasses? Yeah, right? Yeah. The seven-figure guy, apparently. Greasy Dick. Greasy Dick Johnson. But no, I was just like, I couldn’t believe it. And I was like, well, now I feel better that my glasses aren’t always pristinely clean. Because look, this guy, he’s got… I’m somebody. He’s got disposable income out the wazoo. And, you know, I can’t keep these glasses clean either, so it’s not me. So you thought you were a better man because you saw this, right? Well, I don’t know if I was a better man, but I certainly felt better about not having super clean glasses all the time. Yeah. I don’t know if that bothers you at all. I guess you don’t really care because you look like… Well, first of all, everyone I meet makes more money than me, first of all, so that doesn’t mean…
I assume they make a lot more money than me. The lady at Casey’s is like, yeah, I’m carrying 75 grand right now at Casey’s. You know, you play your cards right someday, Miles. You’re going to be working here. I could be the manager. I’d probably get 200K. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, I would probably, if it was something really noticeable, I’d probably be like, no, what’s that? I don’t know. That’s me. Yeah, okay. But I wouldn’t think I was a better person for it. I didn’t say I was a better person. I just said I felt better about myself because my glasses are always filthy and I keep trying to clean them, but to no avail. It’s like two seconds later, it’s like, you know? He’s just a sucker with low self-esteem. Oh, hell no. I can’t keep them clean. It’s just impossible to touch them.
They’re hard to keep clean. They’re hard. I don’t touch the lenses. I just, you know, very daintily. It doesn’t matter. Mine need to be cleaned. Oh, they are dirty. I can see it. No, I can’t. I’ll just lick them. There’s like some sticky shit on it. I don’t even know what that is. What is that? I don’t know. I don’t even want to have a hazard to guess. Yeah, I don’t even know what it is. I have no idea. Were you looking at your sexy mustache picture? Yeah. Yeah. I’m like, what do you want for Christmas? That might be it. Yeah. Yeah. Were you reenacting some Tanya Harding photos or something? More like I was Frank from blue velvet. Well, I, I just, yeah, I thought, wow, you know,
This guy, he’s probably making bank. I know he’s making bank. He can’t even keep his glasses clean. What am I doing to myself? I think you’re going to be okay. Okay. I think you’re going to be okay. Coming from you, it means nothing. It means absolutely nothing. I did study psychology for one semester, so I think I got pretty much a handle on it. I think we took the same psychology class, the one with the tape. Oh, yes, yes. Oh, yes, yeah. Yeah, you’re right. What was this? I had a bullshit psychology one. It was some stupid psychology class where the professor recorded everything on cassette. You never went to class. This is why everybody took this class. You never had to go to class except to do a test. And he recorded all his lectures. He’s like, no, we’re not going to have class. Just listen to the tapes. Yes, there was a class. Yes, that’s right. Everything’s on the tapes. You’re like, we don’t have to go to class? No, just listen to the tapes. Take the test. Now, it didn’t hurt that I worked in the library where the tapes were. Yeah. So I listened to the tapes while I was working. Oh, well, why not?
they were not a very exciting No, they were not. It was not the best uh recordings no and then you know he like he would it’s like he did it at his house. He’d get up and go to the bathroom that’s that’s the genius. That’s the genius you want to emulate. You’d eat on these tapes. By the way, it’s lunch right now. Give me just a second. Abnormal psychology. how Yeah. I passed. I passed the class. Yeah? I think I got a B. Yeah. I’m pretty sure I got a B. Probably. Yeah, because I didn’t really pay attention there. Yeah. So what’s going on with you? I took a psychology class. Yeah, I know. I took the same fucking class. The psychology of growing a mustache for one fucking month.
Yeah. Man, wow. I didn’t know you’d get this excited about my mustache. Man, really. This is like triggered something with you. I don’t know why. Angry about it or something. I just make mention. You know, I got the ultimate compliment over the weekend. Thanksgiving weekend. Okay. From whom? The wife and I. had a day out and we did some shopping. We’re not to eat, you know, listen to that. I go, Hey, there’s a new Chinese place. Let’s we’re out of town. I go, let’s try it. She goes, Oh, okay. All right. Wasn’t very many people there. Is this with the mustache? Yes, it was. Okay. And, uh, so, uh, the lady, uh, comes up to our table and she appeared to be Chinese descent. And I said, ni hao. Oh, and I ordered something. I said, yeah, yeah. You know, thank you. And she’s like, here it comes. She goes, your Chinese is very good. I’ve never heard that praise before my whole life. I’m like, really? How many times have you used it though? I mean, I do. I do.
You’re a bastard. And like, you know, like three words in several languages. Right. Constantly. If anybody looks like they’re of any nationality that, you know, you toss them out there. Yo, que pasa, mi amigo. Exactly. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes it backfires. I remember you were doing that. We were at some stupid ass grocery store in the middle of nowhere. And you started flinging out your Spanish. I guess because the girl looks Spanish. I don’t know. Anyway, she’s like, what? Yeah, well, I mean. You strike out sometimes. It’s a swing and a miss, but yeah, wow. I was so happy with myself. I’m like, man. Your Chinese is really good. I’m like, wow, really? And then you took a bite and you go, so is yours. He goes, how could you learn that? I go, I’m just a genius. I’m just a
can she i just yeah okay i eat a lot of fortune cookies she’s just she’s just pushing for a tip. Come on. Yeah. No, no, no, no. She was very impressed. There’s no way oh no yeah yeah there’s no way had you tipped her yet no we just we’re ordering. Exactly. She was pushing for it she goes how did you learn? I go, I just do a genius in college if she would have said that after you’ve done paid the bill and left the tip, I would think it was more sincere, but no. So pumping you from, wait a minute. Are you saying she was just pumping me up? Like, Oh, I say he’s really awesome. She’s like, Dick with a mustache. Well, she liked it. I’m going to knock another five out of his wallet. Watch. Well, I really tipped well too.
I’m sure you did. You, my gosh, it’s a wonder that you didn’t. Wait, I got conned? Use yourself. Did I get conned? Yes, you always get conned. Come on. And I didn’t realize until just now that maybe I got conned? I’m sure you realize that it happens constantly. You always throw this shit out. Ni hao. Oh, you’re so good. You’re such a good Chinese. Are you from China? You don’t look like it. Well, that’s a little racist, but yeah. You say ni hao. Yeah, okay. Okay. Wow, that’s a different spin. I didn’t even think about that. Oh, give me a break. You knew it. It’s like putting on the face cream or whatever. Yeah. It’s like that lady a week before was asking me if I had lost weight or something. Right, exactly. Yeah. Yeah.
Are those new sweatpants you have, Miles? You know, I’m going to go back there next weekend. I’m going to go back there next weekend and try it again. Are you a Russian mobster? And I’m going to pick a different staff member and say, no, not you. Her. Bring her to the table. Ni hao. Ni hao, ma. I’m honestly quite impressed that you even remember this. That’s when I still can remember stuff, yeah. Yeah, I was going to say, I don’t know that you meet many Chinese people in your life, but… In Western Illinois and Eastern Iowa, no, you don’t really meet a lot of Chinese people. I’m going to be very honest with you. There’s probably not a lot, I’m guessing. It’s a wonder that you… Because, I mean, this is something from college. We had a friend. His name was Feng Quang Luu.
Right. And Lou is the one who taught you Ni Hao. Yeah. I used to call him Hong Kong Fooey, which I thought was extremely racist, by the way. I never called him Hong Kong Fooey. Which I thought was extremely racist. I never did call him Hong Kong Fooey. Not to his face. I called him Lou. I said, hey, Lou. Lou. Yeah. Yeah. We just said Lou, not Lou. But yeah. No, there’s a guy called… I know locally. I mean, he’s not even Chinese, but I pretend he is. We just kind of speak Chinese. No, he goes along with it like, oh, Miles, oh, you motherfucker. What is he? Is he Vietnamese or something? No, I don’t know. I’m going to bring a map and have a point. I’m not sure where he’s from. Hey, I only know one Asian language. Can I just throw it at you whenever I’m around?
It’s universal, man. It’s universal. Sure, sure. I mean, yeah, there’s a lot of different Asians. You know what? When they take over and take our country, I’ll be ready. Don’t worry. You can say thank you. Thank you for taking over our country and murdering us. No, I don’t know. Oh, my goodness. Wow, man. You put a spin on it. You really ruined my day now. Oh, come on. You know this. Everybody always I know. I’m an easy touch. I’m an easy touch. I know. They’re like, look at this. This guy’s got to be a retired state trooper. That sexy mustache. That mustache. That scowl. That scowl on his face. He’s severely overweight. Well… Don’t worry. I’m going to lose that next. Oh, good. I’m glad. I’m glad. So what did you guys get, by the way? What did you get at this? I got General Zhao’s chicken. Oh, I love that. That’s my favorite. Which I wish it had a little more zing in it. I love. Oh, well, you got it. I should have said, hey, zing it. I want the Chinese version, you know. Well, I didn’t say zing in Chinese. You know, I thought that sounded.
i thought it sounds racist if i said, hey, give me some zing, so. And, uh, my wife had some noodles. Okay, that doesn’t sound as good. Noodles and egg rolls. Yeah. Oh, you got the egg rolls, too? Wow. what’d you have to drink, I mean, green tea or what no water i think i had me a sody as they say down in southern Illinois, I believe, and Yeah, most of those places offer tea right away. Like, oh, you probably want tea, don’t you? I’m like, well, that’s what you’re supposed to get. No. Was it a sugar-free soda or? You know, I think I ordered that, but they mistakenly gave me a regular, I think. I had to drink it, I guess. Oh, yeah. Oh, my gosh. But, yeah.
No, there’s a lady that owns it that’s putting it on commercials, these really funny commercials on the web. And a very funny lady. She’s actually got two restaurants. And her name’s Judy. Okay. And she wears like these old John Lennon glasses, these little round guys. Is she trying to be Yoko Ono or something? No. No, she’s funny. They’ll show a car crash and someone rolling out of the car, and then they’ll cut to her. But she’s like, oh, I’ve got pancakes. Come eat my pancakes. You’ve just been in a horribly amazing accident, but just come have some pancakes. You’ll feel better. Yeah. We’re cheaper than the ER. Mm-hmm. No, I’ve been to both places. Judy’s Chinese restaurant. Yeah. I’ve been to both of her restaurants now. Yeah.
On a first-name basis, apparently. I saw her from a distance the first time, and she did not come to my table, though. Are you stalking this woman now? Is this what’s happening? No. She’s bragging up a good food, and I said, okay, put your money where your mouth is. I think you put your mouth where her money was. Yeah, I guess. She wins, I guess, right? Yeah, you put money in mouth there. Money in mouth. That’s me. I’ve been thinking about it. Burping up. Yeah. General Tso’s chicken. Yeah, it was pretty good. Okay, well, good for you. But, you know, I have a feeling, you know, your Chinese is good as just a tip getter. Sorry to break your ego.

Transcript (AI transcription)

hey Joseph, how are you doing today? Hanging in there, you know, like i always say, could be better, could be worse, right? Yeah, no kidding. Have you ever heard of the thing called the foxville metal Man? No, is that anything like the moth man that’s a good that’s a good tangent Welcome everybody to Mondo Frico. My guest today is Oh, Bill. all things they go fuck yourself a little bit. It could be actually uh in regards to the story, not to give too much away, but yeah, one person really did got themselves uh falked uh in falkville but uh we’ll talk a little bit more about that but first joseph uh what’s going on with you? Is that a new website joseph m leonard.us
No, I’ve had it for a while. That’s my author site that my publisher put up since 2022. I just generally don’t go with it a whole lot. You know, most books are sold through Amazon, so you just generally refer people there. There you go. Well, tell people… a couple of the books that you’ve written, because i know you’ve got a few out there, and it seems like every time i turn around, you write another book. I don’t know how this happens. Yeah, I, uh, well, let me hold them up here a recent one is a short story, A Lasting Legacy. That’s the soft cover. That’s the hardcover. You know me. I like to do things differently. Yeah, I figured, you know, there’s a few people that like hardcover. It don’t cost me extra to have it available. So, you know, and this is the book of Kennedy, Project Carpe Diem. This is the hardcover version of this. I don’t have the softcover copy. And of course, you remember,
terror strikes coming soon to a city. That was there. That’s the full short story. Yeah. A short story and the book Kennedy are both novelettes. Terror strikes is a full novel. And of course I have podcasting quick start guide, uh, how to write a book and get it published for those either looking to publish or to If you’re an avid reader, just want to know what goes on behind the scenes of creating a book, hey, how to write a book and get it published is for you. Oh, there’s the book of Kennedy. Kindle copy, pretty plain-looking version. And we’re not talking about Kennedy the VJ from MTV days, are we? No. Nor are we talking RFK, JFK, or, right, or. or Jackie Onassis. None of the Kennedy clan. Kennedy is a female lead, which happens to be called Kennedy. And here’s Christitutionalist Politics 3 of 4. There’s four of those actually out now in the Christitutionalist Politics series, which
is in conjunction with my Christitutionalist podcast and my absolute latest book. I don’t have a book, just have the printout. That’s the thinnest book I’ve ever seen. It’s the only page. That’s the Kindle cover. It’s only available as a Kindle e-book exclusive for 99 cents. It is Is E.T. Really Here? A Really Short Story. And that’s what brings you here. Right, exactly. Is E.T. really here? Wow. Obviously, the cover is just a page, but how in-depth do you go into this E.T. business in that book? Not a lot. Not a lot. I just wanted a food for thought kind of thing. It’s written weirdly. Yeah. for the right and you know i say because you’re doing your sleep or something only a breakfast uh well it is like most of my books based on a dream i had. So, yeah. I didn’t know that your books were all dream based that’s is that the name of your publishing company, Dream Based Publishing? It should be, but no. Joseph M. Leonard Media. Yeah, unimaginative. It should be uh
thought-provoking publishing. There you go. Yeah, I just had a a weird dream. I was back in school doing a naked because everybody always has no i was clothed. And so was the professor. I was doing a thesis on ETs. Are they really here? So it’s a really, really short story. It’s told in a weird way of a student in school doing a thesis paper, and they put their outline on the computer. They come in the next day it’s vanished where did it go why did somebody turn the power off on him why did it go away why is he being censored? And that’s the premise to start into the very short Weirdly told tale. Exactly. A little conspiracy stuff in there, too. So, again, just, you know, something short to try to get people thinking about these things. It’s just a theory. Don’t panic. It’s not a real conspiracy. Well, that’s great. Well, actually, Joseph, we’re going to – we’ll talk more about this ET business in just a minute. Well, that’s really good.
weirdly Written, which is also a short story. A Lasting Legacy is written in journal entry style, so that’s very different. The Book of Kennedy, Project Carpe Diem, written in all narrative, not one line of dialogue in it, which are all very different writing styles from my traditional Terror Strikes novel. Did you get an A in your class that you were taking for all that? That was all your homework. Well, I don’t get to it. Yeah, I don’t get to that part. But I think we’re going to find out a little bit more about your knowledge of some E.T. business when we take this quiz. Quiz. Quiz. Quiz. I want you to email me that so I can make it my new download. My new ringtone, right? Oh, ringtone. You like that quiz? Yeah. Quiz. Manipulate it. Put it through AI and turn quiz into call. Call. There you go. So this is all… And Joseph…
opted to not hear the story before taking the quiz, which I think is fantastic. It’s very brave. But obviously, he’s a very brave guy. He’s got so many books out. So this is all about the Falkville Metal Man, which is a UFO story that came out a while back. I’m not going to say when because it could be one of the quiz questions. So these quiz questions start out easy. They get harder as we go along. And let’s just see how you do. So the first question is, Who was the police chief who claimed to have encountered and photographed the Falkville Metal Man? I’ll give you some choices so you don’t have to just make up a name. I was going to go with John Doe, so good. Multiple choice will be helpful. All these are multiple choice. The first one is, so think about Falkville Metal Man and the police chief’s name. Was it Dale Henderson? Was it Jeff Greenhaw? Was it?
Robert L. Taylor, which is funny because you’re Joseph M. Leonard, or was it Captain Shiny Pants McSparkle? Well, that last one sounds like a lot of fun, but Greenhaw sounds like a backwoods place kind of name, so let’s go with that. Jeff Greenhaw is going to be your answer. Yeah. All right. Fantastic. That’s correct. Whoa. Joseph ran out of the gate, right? Out of the gate. Woo. All right, we’re done. I’m going to quit while I’m ahead. Well, we still got four more questions to go. So what common household camera… Now, this is not necessarily your phone, you know what I’m saying? So this goes back a little bit. What common household camera was used to take the four famous photographs of the Falkville Metal Man? Was it A, a Nikon SLR,
B, a Polaroid, C, a potato connected to a pinhole, or D, a disposable 35-millimeter camera? Well, somewhere around here and probably in the attic, I still have an Olympus 35-millimeter camera. Way expensive for back in the day when I first got it. Really nice. Nikon’s well-known, but I’m going to go with Polaroid. Polaroid. Let’s see. It’s two for two. Can you believe it? Oh, my goodness. Hey, folks, this isn’t rigged. You don’t know anything. You’ve never even heard of the Falkville Metal Man. No, this isn’t rigged. He didn’t share the questions or the answers ahead. No, it’s not a quiz show kind of a scenario. Right. You know, like in the 60s where they were rigged. Jack Barry or whoever his name was. So, all right. Now, they get a little bit harder, although I thought that first one was pretty hard considering, you know, you had to know the guy’s name, but.
Let’s get a little bit harder. What specific material did the police chief Greenhaw say the creature’s reflective suit resembled? Because he’s called the Falkville Metal Man. So A, highly polished chrome. B, aluminum foil. C, mercury on nickel. Or D, a tightly wrapped leftover lasagna. Now I’m hungry. Thanks. Yeah. I’m going to have to go to Olive Garden for a lasagna after this. But what immediately popped in my head when you asked the question was aluminum foils to go with tinfoil hats. So let’s go with aluminum foil. Aluminum foil? Let’s see. I’m so sorry. Your first one wrong. But they were a little bit harder. Actually, he described it as mercury on nickel. So I guess it had some kind of fluid nature to the suit, I guess. So he was a T-1. Exactly, yeah. He was like the Terminator, the T-1000, right? T-1000, that’s what I meant, yes. So, all right, next question. What eventually happened to Jeff Greenhaw’s role as police chief shortly after the incident and resulted in media scrutiny?
All right, here’s the choices. A, he was promoted to sheriff. B, he was transferred to a larger department. C, he resigned from his post. Or D, he was assigned full-time duty guarding the town’s decorative garden gnome. My first thought was that he got elected mayor, but I’ll say he got promoted to sheriff. Promoted to sheriff? Yes. if you’re doing so good on the other ones. It’s a little harder here. He resigned from his post. He was so ridiculed, I think, that he resigned from his post. All right. So we’re two for two. This is the deciding factor. Last question. All right. Are you ready? I guess you are. You didn’t say anything. Thumbs up. Thumbs up. Oh, I didn’t see that. I’m sorry. All right. So the only alleged physical evidence of the encounter, the original four photographs, which we talked before about taking on the Polaroid. Leftover fluids. Leftover bodily fluids. Dr. Strangelove here. Was reportedly lost or stolen after the event. According to Greenhaugh,
Where were they taken from? So his four photographs that he took. The men in black got it. Well, were they taken from the Falkville Police Department’s evidence locker? From his home? From a laboratory in Birmingham where they were being analyzed? Or from inside a freshly baked apple pie? I’ll go with hopefully he was smart enough to send it out to a lab. So let’s go with the lab. the lab. It was in his house. I was that was that was second, right? Yes, because I was thinking Roswell and what his name can’t think of his name that took some of the materials home. Oh, right. Yeah, the I can’t like, but yeah, the guy who went to pick up all the went to check out the debris field. Yeah. Jesse
Jesse Marcel. There we go. Very good. Wait, wait a minute. Hold on. Where’s the applause? Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Jesse Marcel. Well, let me tell you a little bit. So you opted to do it. Jesse Marcel, not Marcel Marceau. Not Marcel, yeah. He didn’t make it to Roswell. He stopped in Paris. The French mime, yeah. On the streets of Paris. He mimed the crash, but no sound effects or anything. But let me read the Legend of the Falkville Metal Man description for you because we did the quiz and you did great. I mean, you got two out of five considering you knew nothing. I’d say that’s pretty darn good. Yeah, well, laws of odds and statistics and a multiple choice. You should at least get like one of five and two of five is still pretty statistically, you know,
On accident, as I did, on accident, getting 205 right. But, I mean, you know, I got to give you a little bit of credit. So let me read a little story here about the Falkville Metal Man to you here. So the story of the Falkville Metal Man is a prominent and bizarre piece of Alabama’s UFO cryptid and UFO lore. Originating from a strange event in 1973, on the evening of October 17th, a young chief of police, Jeff Greenhaw, in the small town of Falkville, I better turn my music down a little bit. In the small town of Falkville, responded to an anonymous report of a UFO that supposedly landed in a nearby field. Expecting to find nothing, Greenhaw instead encountered a figure on the rural road. He described the being as slightly over six feet tall,
wearing a highly reflective metallic suit that appeared smooth and bright like mercury on nickel. This creature, later dubbed the Metal Man, moved with an unnaturally fast, almost spring-like motion, maybe like the T-1000. So Green Hod managed to snap four black and white flash photos of the metallic entity using a Polaroid camera before it fled. When he attempted to pursue the creature in his patrol car across the field, the figure exhibited superhuman speed running away faster than the vehicle could follow before vanishing into the darkness. The officer’s description of the being was highly detailed, noting the suit’s lack of visible seams and the earthly quality of its material. While Greenhalgh’s account and photographs quickly attracted the attention of ufologists and the national media, they also brought him intense ridicule and controversy in his community.
The aftermath of the encounter was devastating for the police chief. The public speculation, mockery, and questions of his credibility led to Greenhaw’s eventual resignation from his post, essentially derailing his life and career. The photographic evidence, the only physical proof of the encounter, was itself subject to controversy. Years later, Greenhaw reported the original Polaroid pictures had been stolen from his home, adding another layer of mystery to the case, and leaving the story of the Falkville Metal Man as one of the most intriguing and unresolved incidents in southern paranormal history, an enduring tale of a lawman’s brief, bewildering brush with the unknown. So this does go back to almost around the Mothman and the Three Rivers Bridge time, yeah. I think that was like 69 or 67. Something at which…
Great movie, by the way. Mothman Prophecies. Yes, great movie. I’m going to have to watch that. I’ve got that on DVD. I’ll have to watch it later tonight. You want to pull it down off your shelf like all the books? No, I’m just joking. Laura Linney’s in that as well. A young Laura Linney is in the Mothman Prophecies. Yeah, and my other favorite is my sister calls it Alien movie, although M. Night Shyamalan. signs, Mel Gibson, right? M. Night Shyamalan says it’s not really an alien movie. An alien only shows in it like three seconds on the screen. And then at the end, but it’s a movie about a man who’s dealing with the loss of his faith. Yeah, grief and questioning one’s faith and position in life and what does life mean and
Matter. I do signs. I love them i watched that again a few weeks ago, but my sister said, you know, sister watched it finally that yeah. Alien movie. No, you missed the whole point of the film. Exactly. Yeah. It was dealing with grief and dealing with the family yeah in the in the uh face of grief. Right. So everything kind of falls apart. Right. So, But on the Falkville Metal Man, so basically this sheriff, you know, was doing his job, and he goes on this call, right? This regular police call. Somebody says, hey, something’s going on. You better go check it out. He goes to check it out. All this happens, and he loses his career. I mean, that’s pretty spectacular, don’t you think? Yeah, it’s pretty harsh. I mean…
although I don’t know anything about this town though, so I don’t know how, yeah, obviously not very open-minded town, or could be very overly religious, you know, kind of backwoods, hyper-Christian town, which I go into a little degree in, is E.T. really here? Genesis does not say, and God created life on earth and only earth life created he. It doesn’t say that. Exclusion does not mean preclusion. The Nephilim are mentioned. Humanoid but non-human entities that existed on earth. Angels alone. in the story of creation, sitting at the right and left hands of God, existed before Earth, before terra firma. By definition, then, they are extraterrestrial. No? Right? Now, that’s different than little green men from Mars, both spiritual and physical, but So I’m not saying they’re like reptilians or greys. I’m not saying that. But I am saying God doesn’t owe you the explanation of everything. And if he created life elsewhere, he didn’t tell you, get over it. He doesn’t owe you the explanations. Do you think, just from that little brief synopsis, that the metal man…
could be something from someplace else? What are your thoughts on that? Well, it could be. And again, now, there’s potential of interstellar beings. There’s the potential of interdimensional beings like People got upset with Indiana Jones was at five and the glass to crystal skulls. I loved it. I thought it was a natural progression of archaeology and the archaeological finds happened to be interdimensional things from other interdimensional beings. And I invented the term intertiminal creatures, right? For time travel. Speculation that It’s really us from the future that are intertiminal travelers. And intertiminal, to me, makes more sense. It goes with interstellar and interdimensional, where time traveler doesn’t, you know, it’s kind of out of sorts with the other terms. Yeah, it doesn’t follow suit, does it?
Correct. There, there’s the phrase doesn’t follow suit. It’s kind of a non sequitur. It’s like, you know, one of these is not like the other. So, but the, the interesting thing is the way that it was described in the story is that he, he finds it and it looks like this. Uh, he said mercury on nickel suit that had no seams. It had no POC, obviously no pockets. Probably. I didn’t have a wallet to drop. The metal man didn’t drop his wallet, so he can check that out. And then it ran at incredible speed, beating his police cruiser, I’m assuming off-road. So obviously the police cruiser probably couldn’t go more than 35 miles an hour on rugged terrain or something like that. But still, running faster than 35 miles an hour is not,
humanly possible as far as I know. Unless if it’s Tom Cruise making a new Mission Impossible 37, right? Well, but he, they do a lot of editing, I think. He doesn’t go very far on those kind of things. Even Usain Bolt doesn’t generally run that fast. Right. And so, I mean, it just sounds, it sounds so wild. But then the other thing I love about the story is it calls into question authorities. Right. So here he is. He is the police chief of this little town called Falkville, Alabama. And he, you know, he’s going about his business and he encounters this. And he obviously was so convinced that what he was looking at was not of this earth or at least of this. Again, it could have been it could be from the future intertidal traveler. And maybe in the future.
our bodies get to the point where we can reach better speeds. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, that does kind of me lean it more towards interdimensional or interstellar possible being. And again, you know, I’m not saying, Oh, I believe it out of hand, nor do I dismiss it out of hand. I believe again, exclusion does not mean preclusion in the Bible. It’s, It’s possible. So anything is possible is what you’re saying. Yep. I wasn’t there, and I don’t have a time machine, so I can’t be an intertimental being and go back to 1973 Alabama and see for myself. Exactly. But to me, it’s one of those stories that is not very well known. Obviously, I mean, you probably never heard of it until today, my guess is.
No, I had not. And you have an authority figure, even for 1973, you know, an authority figure who says, you know, this thing did things, this metal man did stuff that was not normal and reacted not normally. And then he had his pictures and they were taken out of his home. I’m assuming… that he wasn’t like the forgetful police chief and lost things all the time. And so he misplaced these four pictures in his house and then his kids will find them here in the next few years. Oh, look at these pictures. They’re tucked in with Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben in our photo album, right? He was using them for bookmarks in his Joseph M. Leonard book. Which would be difficult. He would have had to have been entertainment all to come to 2022 when that first one was internationally published. Yeah. So, but it really is one of those stories that I happened upon and I’m like, wow, this is fascinating because it has a certain amount of credibility and I’m not, you know, I’m not going to, you know, we just talked, you talked earlier about, you know, who knows what the town was like, but, uh,
I think he is a person of responsibility in this town, small town. And, and he says he saw this and essentially it ended his career. He was so convinced of what he, you know, he could have easily said, ah, you know, I was just Josh and reelect me and move on. He was so convinced that he, he did not want to, uh, say otherwise. And it cost him, what I would assume, even back in the day, a fairly good job, right? And that’s saying something because he could have rode that job for the rest of his career and retired quite nicely, but he didn’t. He said, no, no, this happened and I’m gonna go down with the ship. So yeah, so a very interesting thing. So in your book and in this situation,
Would you say anything’s possible? So I’m assuming you’re saying that you think that extraterrestrials are in the mix. Well, they’re in the realm of possibilities. Again, the Bible says the methylene, and, you know… I don’t have the sin of hubris where I think God owes me all the answers and explanations. Maybe when Jesus returns and we get a Third Testament, we get more answers. But for now, it’s entirely a possibility. From the religious standpoint, I don’t dismiss it, and the scientific standpoint, standpoint we are space travelers to a degree ourselves already space right everything everything becomes a vehicle at some level right so i mean ufos go back to biblical times you look at enoch you look at ezekiel that some christian sect
and denominations leave out of their Bibles because it’s inconvenient and difficult to explain other than, whoa, that could be that. You look at the Leonardo da Vinci and other early Christian paintings. Well, what is that up there? Is that a UFO or is that supposed spiritual representation of angels only? You know, Back to old cave. Paintings? Paintings and hieroglyphs and whatnot. I mean, are we, I forget what that term is, ped something or another word. You look up in the sky. Oh, look, a bunny. Oh, look at. Thank you. Peridolia, yeah. Where the mind tries to make sense in turning a shape into something we know. Are we seeing what we might prefer to see or think we see? But that’s really something else. But when you look at some of these cave hieroglyphics or imageries, it’s the Nazca lines. I mean, that you see from the air.
Right? Yeah, you can only see it from the air. Exactly. But yet nothing like… Why did they make that? Yes, exactly. I mean, it’s just amazing. And one of the Nazca lines, again, looks like a spaceman. Right, a spaceman, exactly. As well as animals, which is kind of interesting. I mean, you know, you could have had like a really powerful, politically powerful, overly anxious bloke bird enthusiast who’s like, I want to make pictures for the birds. But I doubt it. I mean, it seems a little bit out of the realm. Birds don’t even fly high enough, though, to make out those things, right? Some of them, yeah. Exactly. Right. Vimanas. What is that? Hinduism? Right. The Vimana. So these things have and concepts have been around for a long, long time.
to think again. I think it’s a degree of the sin of hubris again for a lot of people, religious or not, to say, oh, we are the most advanced thing to ever exist. We are it. We are alone. We are, you know, we’re the greatest thing since sliced bread. That to me, that, you know, humanity is so great and look at our advancements. Compared to what those things might be indeed, it’s them just not wanting to admit there can be something bigger than us. It’s like atheists and God, right? Just refuse to admit there can be something other than them and bigger than them and more important than them. It’s interesting. Now, the other thing that strikes me is that As far as I know, and I’d have to do some more research, obviously, but this is the only person who has witnessed what we’ll call the metal man. There’s not like Ben, like you have all kinds of people. Unlike Mothman. Yeah, or Mothman. I mean, take any of those, you know, the tall aliens. Bigfoot, Sasquatch even, right? I mean, there’s…
multiple sightings so you’re you’re right what you’re alluding to here, it does add a degree of suspicion. How and why is he the only one to ever see this? Maybe, maybe he’s like, wait, I, you know, he, he, he gets here from, from either a different time or a different place and he’s wearing a suit. And then he realized, Hey, wait a minute. I don’t even need this suit. And then he passed it along up the, up the, uh, you know, the intergalactic chain but don’t worry you don’t need your suit here. maybe that’s what happened. And so that, you know, he was the first one. So therefore, you know, he happened to land in Falkville, Alabama. Yeah. And he’s like, yeah, guess what? We don’t need suits down here. Hey, we, we test tech all the time. We’re updating and testing different suits for this that the other. Maybe it was a one-off experimental and they went with another option. Yeah, he was in the the darpa of of
aliens right so he’s a DARPA alien and would make, you know, I don’t know if I have to look on the map, see where Falkville is, but you know, there’s a lot of governmental you know, Rocket City is in Alabama right so where all they built all the rockets was in Alabama and still do actually is in I want to say Huntsville, right? So Huntsville is Rocket City USA. And so, Yeah, it makes sense. He might show up there because that’s where the rockets come from. And there’s a lot of secret programs that are developed in that area because there’s a high concentration of extremely smart people in that area because they’re all engineers and so forth. And they’re creating things that we won’t know about for decades. That’s the other argument, right? Around Area 51, people who saw the B-1s.
People saw the F-117 stealth fighters originally thinking they were the SR-71. Nothing could go that fast. It’s got to be alien, right? But so could he have mistaken this? Could it have been a human in a downed experimental craft? And again, under orders of secrecy, then needing to get away, not want that to get out. if he’s indeed truly saying he could run faster than 35 miles an hour, that tends to poo poo. It was just us and secret craft on a secret mission. It gets wild, but yeah, I would say the, the Falkville middleman is quite an interesting story. And, uh, And thank you, Joseph, for going through it with me. I’m going to play a couple of messages. We’re going to come back to you for a closing statement. Just a sec. This is Jonathan. And this is Heaven from the OpaGhost podcast. And you’re listening to Mondo Frico. What in the bloody hell is Mondo Frico? And why would I listen to it? So wrapping up here, Joseph, I think you summed it up well. Yeah, I did.
You need to change the name of the show for today from Mondo free code or duo, two free codes. You know how my OCD brain works, so I can’t resist. I loved your answer. Cause it’s one of those answers that I love to give when people ask me the questions is anything is possible and you said it, right? So it doesn’t matter. What your base is, right? So be your base, be religious, be your base, be something scientific, be your base, whatever, right? Just streetwise, everything is possible because we can’t know everything and we aren’t owed anything to know it. We aren’t owed by our creator answers that our creator doesn’t want us to have. We are but children. what God is. I say this all the time and Christians get upset with me. The Bible is a Dr. Seuss book. You don’t hand a six-year-old war and peace. You give them Dr. Seuss or Aesop’s Sable. Remember back where we were 2000 and before when the Torah was given. We were but children. So no, we’re not given all the answers. And again, it’s hubris, right, to expect that
Science, it drives me crazy. Oh, the science is settled. No, talk to Copernicus or Leonardo da Vinci about settled science of the time. And we don’t know what we don’t know yet. And we haven’t proven just what we may not have been able to prove yet. Doesn’t mean it’s not possible. Einstein says inner time and all travel. is theoretically possible. Interstellar faster than light speed is theoretically possible. Wormhole travel, theoretically possible. One of my favorite movies and my favorite tv series of all time, Stargate sg1 Love that show with all the potential implications right yeah definitely exactly every you’re only right at the moment that you’re right, and then you can be wrong. Anything past that, anything going into the future, you can be wrong again. The earth is flat! The earth is flat! How long did that? And still today, in fact, on Christitutionalist Podcast, I had on Flat Earth Dave. Oh, did you? Yeah. You’ve got to see the video version of that episode, of course, because he shows…
things and that, and they all had a great time, great discussion with him. And it was like, I have some answers that would counter what you’re selling, but Hey, you know, you’re here for fun. You’re here to present your case. I’m not here to poopoo your case. Let’s just let people decide for themselves. Right. Like how, like how can you get on a plane in California and land up in Tokyo? If, The world is flat and California is over there and Tokyo is over here. You fly under the disc. Haven’t you ever played Pac-Man? You just disappear on one side of the screen and appear on the other side. Right. That’s the only explanation. A wormhole there, right? You go through a wormhole off the edge of one side of the flat earth and
materialize on the other side. Yeah. It works for Pac-Man. So, hey, again, anything is possible but no i i accept that earl worth is round now. Now, donut theory is another, right? You know, journey to the center of the earth i don’t buy that the earth is completely hollow Certainly there are packets of hollow things under there, caves we know of today that go deep into the earth. Yeah, I live in an area of the United States here down near St. Louis where you have mine subsidence insurance because there’s so many holes in the ground that your house can fall in one. Another great movie, right? We’re talking hollow earth. The other is… The moon isn’t really a moon. It’s an artificial right. Hollow moon theory and the space program. We dropped objects. And what did they say? It rang like a bell for hours. A solid object. Don’t do that. And Roland Emmerich, one of my favorite directors, who was the mind behind Stargate, also is the mind and director producer behind Moonlight.
moon fall which came out during the wuhan hysteria so right yes i was going to say that was not that long ago, but yeah, you know, it, it suffered because of the wuhan hysteria, but it’s another great, really wild over the top kind of film. You know, I’m not, I don’t know if he believes in hollow moon theory or not. It doesn’t just like those tickets. Right. Just like it’s the day after tomorrow. He was behind that. Is he a climate artist and think you know, instead of global warming, he went the other way to back to the ice. Right? He doesn’t necessarily said was going to happen but right he doesn’t have to believe these things to understand. They make a great bleeping movie exactly
Well, Joseph, tell us the name of your book again, the E.T. book. What’s that? Yeah. Is E.T. really here? You can see the SETI program dishes there. Is E.T. really here? A really short story. Again, that’s just a paper copy of the Kindle cover version that exists. 99 cents only at Amazon exclusively. There you go. Because it is really short. It’s a Black Friday sale. There you go, 99 cents. I would have sold it for even less, but Amazon won’t let me. 99 cents is the bottom floor price. You thought Amazon couldn’t go any lower? Well, they can’t. It’s all 99 cents. Amazon’s going to become the new 99-cent store, I think. Getting closer to being the $99 store. Well, Joseph, thanks for being with me here today.
I’m going to play us out with some music and a little thing. But hold on for just a second after we finish. All right, here we go. Mondo Frico.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

click a couple of things and uh bingo bango bongo and Irving we’re on the internets foreign What are you… This is Dr. Death. It’s more like choking on his own phlegm there for a second. I know. I know. More like, you know, gobs of snot. I know. I can’t stop it, man. Yeah, hell no. I know. Can’t help it. What’s wrong with you? Jeez Louise. I don’t know. You’d think you’d been sitting through a session with the Beatles. Christ. Mm-hmm. I tell you one story about the Beatles, which you refuse to look up. Paul is dead. Everybody knows that story. Everybody knows it. I told you one story, one story, and you got a little excited. It’s one story only, sir. One story. You seem to relate to it, which is funny because you’re like, oh, me and my friends, Kevin and Dave and Billy and
jr and steven and squirrel skippy and uh that’s right skippy and dougie yeah yeah i hear you exactly We’ll have, maybe we’ll talk about that on another time. Okay. All good. All good. All good, Bob. All good. All right. So I’m here with Da tonight. Da. Yeah. He’s gone very, what do you want to call it? Existential or something. Yes. Something or another. Yeah. Whatever. Yeah. Making up words. Welcome, everybody, to the show. It’s been a week. You haven’t heard from us. You’re wondering what’s going on. You’re like, how could this world be any better? Oh, wait. I’ll listen to the show with Static Radio with Bob Miles. And it’ll be better. So I went to Chicago this last week. Yeah. You were very cryptic. Yes. And so, yeah, I was in Chicago for a few days in downtown and I had, you know, it was a good time. Good time was had by all for the most part, you know, between the, between the traffic and, you know, the crush of humanity and,
And the yelling and screaming. It was a good time. Did you go to Twin Anchors? No, I did not. Where’s Twin Anchors at, anyway? It’s like an old town up there by Lincoln Park. Oh, okay. No, I was in the loop. I was down… I was about a few blocks off Michigan Avenue. Mm-hmm. So… I don’t think that’s anywhere near Lincoln Park, is it? Probably not. Yeah. So why were you there? Why? Secret business. Okay. Can’t talk about it. All right. You won’t talk about it? Yeah, okay. All right. All right, asshole. Yeah, okay. Get it. All right. No, my wife had to be there for her work, and so I just tagged along and went. Yeah. oh i’m like oh i’ll go sure why not i won’t tell my boss. I’ll just go yeah i i don’t tell them anything. on other days why would i tell them about this right yeah why not yeah why what what is that whose concern is that of anyone’s? Uh, my concern. Well, you’re because you’re a little and you’re like, hey you’re getting away with something. Yeah.
I don’t like people that work the system. I don’t. You are a person that works the system. That is your MO. I know. You are a total system worker. I’m trying to push the button. You’ve got a T-shirt and everything. You’ve got a card-carrying member. Oh, free parking. Yeah, I’d take some free parking. What do I got to do? Yeah, I don’t care. I give you whatever you want in the store. Take it for free. Don’t matter to me. That’s right. Don’t be joking. As long as I get for me. Don’t hate. Don’t hate. So, no, we were down… And I happened to send you… There was a shooting downtown Chicago, and I was, like, not that far from it. Right. So… This was a big weekend in Chicago. They lit the Christmas tree down there by the Bean. What’s it called over there? I don’t know. It’s Sunset Park. What is the name of that? Yeah, it’s called Flickin’ the Bean. Flickin’ the Bean, yeah. It’s Dave, you know. Oh, what the fuck is it? Yeah, there’s Millennium Park. Millennium Park, that’s it. Yeah, I know Chicago. You don’t, yeah. I know. I don’t go that often. You’re much more versed in Chicago-ese or whatever. I want to learn.
Yeah. And so I, um, so we were down a couple blocks off michigan avenue friday night they’re gonna light the christmas tree. We actually went out to dinner, uh, right there nearby, right around the corner. And, um, and luckily i suppose we went back and by the time the shooting happened, I was asleep So I didn’t hear anything. I didn’t see anything. Even though eight people were shot. Yeah, eight people were shot. Like within a stone’s throw of where I was sleeping. I was Sergeant Schultz. I knew nothing. I had actually seen this on the news prior to you announcing that you were close to the action. Yeah, no, it was weird. I had taken a picture, which I sent to you. Uh, it was right outside the Chicago theater. Uh, which I was, I was, I just, I’m like, Oh, this is neat picture. I’ll take this picture. You know, like less than eight hours ahead of this whole event taking place. I mean, tons of people out on the street, tons of people. We had, we had dinner and then we headed back, you know, and we were probably back in our room, you know, by eight something, whatever it was. Sure. And then the shooting happened at 10 and I was already conked out. But, uh,
Yeah, it’s those weird happenstances in life because I think we literally walked past the area where everything transpired. We walked through that area just a couple hours ahead of it, right? Right. So, yeah, that was weird. So then I wake up on Saturday morning. My wife’s like, hey, there was a shooting downstairs. Right. True, true, true. I’m like, what? I mean, that is the oddest feeling, right? It was. yeah i’m like really oh good i mean i so she had to work and i kind of just, you know bopped around for a couple days and so i walked through that area. I don’t know how many times. Wow. You know, and even that, that day she had to go do stuff and i walked right down there. Everything was all done. I mean, there was, it was like, as if nothing happened, the street was full of people, you know, Hey, last night, several people got shot here on the sidewalk.
there was no, you know, uh, police tape or any, you know, crime scene, silhouette things on the pavement or anything. It was just, it was like, as if nothing happened, Bob’s going around picking up bullet casings. What’s this? Yeah. This would be cool. Key chain. Um, yeah, nothing, you know, nothing out of the ordinary happening in that area. Cause I, I did walk around there because actually, uh, we parked not too far from that location too. So, yeah. Right. Uh, just a weird, odd experience. I don’t think I’ve, I’m trying to, well, other than in college when the lady got kidnapped from behind my apartment. Yeah. That’s probably the other closest to when, you know I I you know, the next, later that day or something, I get this knock on the door and i answer the door and it’s a cop. He’s like, Hey, where were you last night? You know? And I’m like, I was here. And he’s like, did you hear anything you know weird because this woman got kidnapped in this parking lot. because I used to live, I lived basically on the strip in carvondale uh, whenever that meant something so yeah
that was weird. So, but that’s not the only weird thing that happened, believe it or not. Okay. Yeah. Prior to that, I don’t think these two things are, are tied together in any way, shape or form. So prior to that on Friday, I was, you know, you know, peddling around. Yeah. And it, you know, Chicago’s a big city packed full of people, especially down in that area. and christmas time yeah the christmas village is right there, uh, close by and the um uh macy’s right there chicago theater the nita lander theater, um, all these places to go, all these shops and businesses and everything. So it’s just constantly full of people. So I am, uh, walking, i’m waiting, you know, to get across the street, like a good citizen yeah and i start walking.
And this guy, I’m almost across the street, and this guy’s coming towards me in a black coat with a black hat. Okay. Like a fedora or something? Yes, like a fedora. Like a nice hat. Yeah, you’re screwed. Oh, man. And he comes right up to me. Yeah. I’m just crossing the street. Yeah. He comes straight up to me and says, I want to guess what he says to me. Would you like to make $5 the hard way? No, no. Um, it wasn’t anything untoward. At least I don’t think I’m going to say it. I don’t think it’s anything untoward. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead. He goes, are you Jewish? Yeah. Ooh, yikes. He was a very Orthodox-looking Jewish man. Mm-hmm. Oh, okay. All right. And he comes up to me, and he’s like, are you Jewish? And I go, no. No, I’m a sugar man. Sugar. And then he goes, oh, and he walks on. Ignition the nuts. Yeah, no, he didn’t. I was like, does this happen every day down here?
Yeah. Most people avoid me. Yeah, I would too. I’d be like, who’s that? Stomping around. Looked like the penguin. Well, at least he didn’t ask what was the frequency, Kenneth. That’s true. Punched you in the face. Yeah. What happened to Dan Rather? Yeah. No, but just on the streets, I guess I must look Jewish the other day. No, no, no. Yeah, I was like, that’s, I’ve never, actually, that’s not true. I have been asked that before, so that’s not totally true. I think i’ve been asked that more than once. Well, you don’t have a curly hair anymore, so that’s all i mean it still is curly, but not like it was, yeah. Yeah, you’re missing, like, a lot of hair now. Yeah, I’m missing a lot of hair. I’m like a dandelion like if you’re like a
You’re like an alopecia person with like more complicated. Thank you. Thank you. You know, but my hair, the hair that I have is curly. I kind of look like a, uh, I look like Teller if he was Penn. Yeah. Okay. Right. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. There’s something to that. Huh? Um, yeah. So anyway, that was a a tree about, like, I was totally confused. And then i was like, is that a code word for something did i just agree to anything did i not agree? Was he going to hand me a million dollars? I mean, what’s the nowadays? I don’t know how to answer that i’d be like i no yeah i just kind of waved him off, you know? And then, he probably didn’t see any tattoos. So he’s like, okay, well maybe he’s not. Okay. that was cold. I was wearing a big coat i mean wearing your wife’s park? I was wearing a pink, uh puffy jacket. I don’t know. White collar white, you know fluffy collar yeah yeah with some fur around the faux fur. Yeah. Like mittens on strings. You’re walking around yeah i was skipping guys.
i looked like uh you know, Angelina when she was 80 or something yeah something like that did he talk about, let me tell you something? Did he talk like that at all or no no well he said it so quickly, I almost didn’t pick up on like no hey hey are you jewish that was uh yeah that was great and then we had this weird uh you answered them I said no. I said no, but that was my reflex there in the city. Anybody ask me anything, I say no. Yeah, no. Because who knows what they’re doing. They’re asking for money. I don’t know what they’re doing. I just wave them off, and then I keep walking. Let me clue you in. That’s your response to everyone you don’t know, regardless of Chicago or St. Louis or wherever the F you are. It’s all no. No. No. That’s right. No. They can give me money. No. No. No.
So, yeah, I just kept going. But we had a… My wife and I went to lunch one day when we first got there. We went to a place called Nando’s. I don’t know, do you know Nando’s at all? No. So Nando’s is very popular over in the United Kingdom. Okay. And it’s a chicken place. They make peri-peri chicken, which is kind of hot chicken. And we went to Nando’s in… London when we visited London a number of years ago. And I liked it. It was really good. So I was like, hey, there’s Nando’s here. We should go to Nando’s because you can’t go, right? Because there’s not a lot of them in the States. So I go to Nando’s for lunch. It’s not like an upscale or anything. It’s kind of like fast food, but not, you know, not McDonald’s kind of fast food, but like, you know, Chipotle, Qdoba kind of fast food. And so we go…
to the Nando’s and we’re like, okay, this is great. And then they like want you to wait to be seated. And we’re like, that’s fine. So we wait, lady comes up very uninterested in working person, obviously from her facial expressions, she did not want to be there. Right. And she’s like, you know, two or whatever. Yeah. Two. So she takes us over, she sets us down and she’s like, scan the QR code to order what and pay no no yeah like I’m like, okay, I’m game for that, right? I don’t care and so but no other explanation. That was literally it they’re gonna get into your phone now. No, they’re not gonna get into my phone. Yeah, you’re gonna have Nando’s all over your dirtiness.
my dirtiness. So we’re like, okay. And so we ordered and my wife orders, we ordered separately because her lunch was getting paid for and mine wasn’t so right we had to order separately. So I, she orders hers. I order mine. And like a second later, this lady drops off a cup so she can go get her drink. And then i’m sitting there and i’m waiting. and I’m waiting and I’m waiting. No, no cup for my drink oh so I just get tired of waiting and I said some cups up there. So I just go grab one oh oh oh I get myself a drink. Oh no. I paid for a drink. And so then I’m sitting there yeah I can my drink and the lady comes over with another glass.
Oh. Yeah, and she’s like, she kind of gives me the cross-eye, but doesn’t say anything. Yeah. And so then I got my drink, and then they show up with my wife’s food, and it was complete. The order was complete. And then they show up with my food, and they only gave me half of it. We ate it. Yeah. So then my wife goes up, and she’s like, he didn’t get all his. And so then the guy goes, oh, yeah, okay. And then he brings out the rest of my food. Yeah. It was the most – bizarre random disjointed meal i’ve ever had. I mean, I started eating what i got and i’m like, well, it should be called natas yeah exactly yeah it was really good. I love, and we got the medium, which i should have got the hot because it definitely wasn’t hot enough for us. Yeah.
but got the medium and yeah, it was, and I, and I got these, uh, wings and I was supposed to get six wings in the Perry Perry stuff. And they were the tiniest things. They were like smaller than my thumb. Oh, geez. I’m like baby chickens. But then I got like 10 of them. I don’t know if in the back, they’re like, Oh, these are too damn small. We’re just going to give them a bunch more. Right. And rat or something. It could have been for all I know. You’re right. It could have been, Squab. I don’t know what it was, but it was tasting great. So, yeah, that was weird. Just a totally weird no no hard no experience but you should nando’s was really tasty so i would suggest going if you like peri-peri chicken yeah it was very tasty. It was very busy yeah but don’t expect a lot of uh if you’ve never been there before and don’t know what you’re getting, you know, maybe just
go to the counter or something. because they don’t want to help you at the table. So are you supposed to tip? I mean, pretty much you’re doing all the work are you not i mean you know yeah no they had, of course, every place has got a effing tip nowadays. What are you talking about? Everybody wants a tip yeah you tip at the pay at the pump for christ’s sake they’re oh you want to tip? I’m like, I’m pumping my own gas. I’m not tipping. No, come on. But it’s almost that bad. It really is almost that bad. No, I hate gimmicky shit like that. That’s just stupid. No, I would suggest, yeah, so go to Nando’s, get to bed early if you’re in downtown Chicago because the shooting starts around 10. Yeah, when it gets dark out, I would suggest getting back in the fucking hotel. Wow. Yeah. Luckily, we were on the 12th floor, so the chances of that bullet making it in our room was slim to none.
You didn’t tell the funniest part though. What was the funniest part? You texted me like, Oh my God, there was a shooting right by my hotel. Oh, what do I write back? Cool. Well, that’s not the nice response. I go, I don’t think that was the word I would use. Yeah. Like, well, what are you expecting? You know, you’re like, cool. And I’m like, not cool. So I ended up like John Lennon, for God’s sakes. Jesus. Had I been on a reservation for our dinner, had I made it a little bit later, we would have been in the mix. Yep. Not going to get Nando’s because we’re dead. Well, no, Nando’s was the lunch thing. Dinner was a whole other thing. Yeah. Rainforest. Dinner, they cram you in. They charge you crazy amounts of money. They cram you in so they can get the most people in the restaurant. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah.
I’m definitely, you know, I don’t, I love to go visit the big city as it were. I’m not a big city living person. I love my, I love the space everywhere. I have a space. I could drive a hundred miles an hour. Nobody gives a shit. You know, I can get anywhere I want to go in 10 minutes most days. Uh, right. You know, That’s my – I love living like that. Right. Yeah. So what’s going on with you besides – I love violence, and I think shootings are cool. Well, I didn’t have a cool story, but I had to scratch. I was actually going to go to the suburbs, and I scratched because – I know you were going to be up there. My wife’s like, do you want to see if Miles wants to meet you for lunch on Saturday? I go –
No, no, there’s no number one. He’s going to be late and then it’s going to throw my whole day off. Yeah. Yeah. I’ve been thinking over twin acres. As soon as, as soon as the, he heard about the shooting, he’d run. I’d go see it. Yeah. Yeah. I’m sure you would. Yeah. So we were like, yeah, it looked like that fat fuck over there. Shoot him. My dad’s from the city, man. He was, I know, I know, I know he, he swam naked. in public schools. He did. True. And he was friends with a, uh, uh, accused, uh, serial killers. So there you go. Yeah. But anyway, I digress. So I was looking at you. Anyhow, they didn’t have jerky together. I don’t know what that was about. Um, so I was supposed to go get autographs and I fucked up my back really bad about a week ago. Oh,
Can you tell me what number is this? Like if we had a tally on. All I was doing, I was just bending over. All I was doing was I was listening to the White Album, pleasuring myself. I did. I did. No. No, I went on for several days. And so I’d taken the day off. And I’m like, screw it. I got to see a doctor, man. There’s no way I can’t go to Chicago. Cannot. And, uh, back, I swear to God, for a guy who never had, has ever done any kind of physical labor in his life, the hardest job you had prior now to your current job was putting stickers up for a security company. That was a lot of work yeah it didn’t hurt your back no no no whatever i used to backyard wrestle a lot so yeah and uh
So guy in the neighborhood, he paid me $20 up on this table and break my back. I, uh, so my, my, of course I knew my doctor. I wouldn’t see my regular doctor cause it was too much. Dr. Mark. Mark, you always get that wrong. Dr. Mark. And then, uh, so they’re like, well, we have a doctor, uh, you know, who, who, who I don’t, I don’t care. I don’t care. If you had a doctor named who, who you’d be right in there. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it could be Mangala just so long as there’s a doctor, I got to see him, man. Like, I don’t care. I don’t care. I just need drugs. I know. And, uh, so they’re like, so, uh, I go in there and I was in so much pain. I didn’t like, I usually go around, act like an asshole and go in there. And because, you know, the nurses got to take your temperature, you know, weigh you in and all that. And I,
I’m usually making jokes. I did not make one joke. The lady was very down to business. Very nice, but down to business. I’m like, okay. She goes, Miles, you’re not going to ask me to do it anally? Not today. No, I’m not in the mood. You seem to be in the right posture for it. Yeah. Right. Oh, y’all bent over. You’re all bent over. He’s posing. He’s presenting. And so it’s like, well, Dr. Who, who’s going to be in a minute here? And she has a student, and is that okay if the student comes in? I say, I don’t know. Because my regular doctor, it is not unusual for him to have, like, some student with him. And the student, like, usually never says a whole lot. You know, they just sit there and grab, like, a clipboard and act like they’re listening and like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Okay, well, no big deal, right? So wait a couple minutes. The door opens. I swear the song Dreamweaver came in over my head. Oh, my God. It looked like the lead singer from the Soap Girls. Oh, my God. I’m like, oh, my freaking God. Who is this? Hi, I’m Jennifer, the student. Oh, my god i’m like oh you’re back healed. My gonadal region is swelling bad. And she’s like that’s not any of the textbooks. Yeah. She’s asked me all these questions like, what? You have the bluest eyes i’ve ever seen. And, uh, unbelievable. No, I mean, what uh good looking woman. She’s like, she’s counting your chins. One, two, three. One, two. And, uh, you know, I’m telling her this and, you know, she’s like, Oh, I go, yeah, I went to the chiropractor a little bit. Oh, well, this doctor is going to tell you not to do that anymore. Oh yeah. The chiropractor fucked up your back. No, no. I mean, I got some minimal relief, but I mean, nothing. It didn’t,
quite get it, you know what I’m saying? Well, I always keep telling him not to go to the chiropractor. Yeah, he’s a nice kid. He’s a good kid. I just love giving money to people. That’s what I like to do. I just throw it around. I complain I don’t have enough, but I just give it to anyone. Oh, I got plenty. Don’t worry. And so she does whatever they do with asking these questions and stuff like that. You mentioned something like, well, maybe you can have like a muscle relaxer or something. I’m like, okay. And so like Dr. Who, who comes in and it’s pretty much, you know, she was nice, but someone down to business. I’m like, okay, well, Jennifer’s telling me everything I need to know about you. Okay. What’s that impersonation or what? No, I just, I just had some, my throat. So anyway, um,
I was like, no, Jennifer’s telling me all about it, and you’re going to be okay, and this and that. Don’t go to the chiropractor. Don’t be an idiot. No, she did not say that. She did not say that. Jennifer said this. Oh, okay. Gotcha. And so we wrap it up, and I’m like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wasn’t there some talk about some muscle relaxers or something? Uh-huh. Oh, well, I guess we can. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Go ahead. She pulls them out of her pocket. Yeah. No, I had to go get it. They’re all lint covered. There you go. I was trying to think of now, if I need to come back in the next few hours, are you two going to be here? Or at least Jennifer, is she going to be here? If I need to have a follow-up question, it just comes to me here.
Yeah, I’ve got a lot of questions. So if I had to come back in a couple hours, would that be okay with some roses? I’ve got some memory problems. Is it okay if I take your picture so I remember who you are? I know. I was thinking that. I was like, how do I take a picture without looking like a weirdo? I mean, I’m like, oh. Oh, I don’t know how to work this thing. Is it front camera, back camera, whatever? Yeah, right. Am I FaceTiming? What’s going on? Yeah, right. I’m like, oh, boy. Oh, boy. I didn’t. I didn’t, but man, I would dead ring her for this singer. I’m like, oh my God. Is that the lady who gets topless? One of the soap girls? I saw her sister topless. I did not see her topless though. Oh, really? I thought they both got topless. I don’t know. I know they have, they do, but this one did not, no. Oh, okay. Just checking. But I saw them a couple of years ago.
But the other one had no problem. Like whoop, whoop. Carpenter’s dream. Holy cow. And yeah, so there you go. So how’s your back today? Hurts. Have you been taking your muscle relaxers? Yeah, sparingly, sparingly. I just take a little half. Have you been back to your chiropractor? No. Good. Yeah, don’t do that. That’s bad for you. Yeah, I don’t know. We got to release the humors. I don’t know. Yeah, he’s a nice kid. I don’t want to, you know. You seem to be a little stiff in the front, too. Yeah, oh, well, I just saw Jennifer. Yeah, what the fuck? Oh, my God. I wonder people don’t want to go into the medical profession. A bunch of weirdos, right?

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

And we’re off to the races. Miles gets caught with his pants down. Oh, wow. There we go. got Rush Limbaugh here with me. How are you doing, Rush? How are you doing, Rush Limbaugh? He’s all hopped up on pain medicine. You going to make it? But I have to say… Are you going to say hi to everybody or no? Hi, everybody. Miles. Did you know that miles is on drugs and he missed the bears game? Apparently he’s Bing Crosby’s love child here tonight. Okay. That’s fantastic. You’re going to say more than two words and make a bunch of noise or what? I feel like I’m on Ghost Adventures or something. Somebody touch me. Hey, Miles. Welcome to Static Radio. Did you hear that? Did you hear that’s the Ghost of Miles title? Oh, my gosh. Somebody touch me. Ay, ay, ay, ay.
Possibly the biggest ghost show ever. I bought a glass of orange juice there, Bob. Fresh and sweet. My wife did what? Somebody touch me. You okay? I’m ready. I’m ready now. I wasn’t sure. I’m just listening up. Are you in the bathroom? Not now. Okay, good. It’s in bed naked. Oh, okay. No, I’m not naked. I’m sure your wife would have a problem with you being naked in the sheets. Yeah, it’s not good. She’d be like, we don’t need another Pollock. Yikes, yeah. Various bodily fluids leaking out on the bed sheets. Yeah, right. Your precious bodily fluids. I’ll be like Johnny Depp’s girlfriend there. She should have the bed. But yours would be unintentional. Yeah, like, oopsies. Oopsies. I swear to God, I thought it was a fart. I swear. I was just doing my Bing Crosby impersonation, and I swung the golf club too hard. If you know what I mean.
Yeah. My nickname’s Putter. Putter. Oh, my God. What’s going on in Bob’s world today? Too cold. Too cold? What? Yeah. Well, it’s getting cold, you know. It’s like 50 degrees out. Well, today it was, but we had a dip there where it was like in the 30s for a while. Oh, for a day. Well, it was a day that will live In infamy. Oh, fuck. Here we go. So, I think I’ve mentioned this, although maybe I haven’t mentioned it enough. Maybe it’ll become one of these things that I say and then you’ll be all offended. Okay, go ahead. You know, like I say, you know, since my house burned down and then you get all upset. No, I don’t. So I have been swimming here lately. Right. What’s that? You love swimming. I do. For some reason, I do. I don’t know why. I didn’t grow up swimming. Are you buoyant because all your fat? It could be. Yeah. Shames to me. You lived your life like a turd in the sewer.
guys partly no so actually my wife wanted to go swimming and she’s like, would you go swimming and I yeah sure why not you know yeah whatever I mean you know and so I’ve been going regularly. Right. And so the other day it’s like 35 degrees here. Right. now we don’t go to an outdoor pool or anything. It’s an indoor pool, but as you, may be aware the pool is in the ground right there’s correct and then they build a structure over it, cover it, right? Like a, it’s like a, you know, building. It’s not like they do, you know, dig it out so that it’s not in the ground. And, uh, so unbeknownst to me, I’m not sure if my wife knew or not. Unbeknownst to me, we get there. There’s like nobody there.
Oh. And I’m like, well, this is fantastic. I mean, there’s nobody here. We can go swim in peace and quiet, you know. It was Veterans Day. No, no, this was not Veterans Day. This was actually the day before Veterans Day, as a matter of fact. And so I’m like, yeah, this is great. And then the lifeguard was in the office and they’re like, oh, I’m glad you’re here. I really don’t want to sit in the office. yeah okay we’re gonna look at porn, but uh since you’re here i guess since you’re here i guess i’ll monitor you. That’s always the weird part. Whenever you’re the only one and the lifeguard just kind of stares at you yeah awkward but usually she walks around, which is not so bad but oh okay all right let’s get where this is going. All right. Yeah. So, uh,
And so, you know, we’re getting ready to get in. And then my wife was chatting up the lifeguard. And she’s like, how cold is the pool today? And she’s like, oh, it’s not that bad. It’s only about five degrees colder than usual. And I didn’t think anything of it until I got in. Yeah. And, uh, I’m sorry. I wasn’t listening. I was looking at your camel toe. I’m sorry. Could you say that again please no i i was i was like oh yeah whatever you know and so yeah i get into the pool. Well, lo and behold, it’s like fucking freezing yeah because their boiler was out. They normally heat the pool. Oh no. Oh my God. I’m like shivering in the water and yeah i started swimming.
And I didn’t even realize, and I don’t know if my wife like withheld this information or whatever. I didn’t know that there was no, like it was basically, you know, like a puddle outside in the weather. We did our swim, but I was like, this is the coldest I’ve ever been. And I didn’t find out until like later that the boiler was out. I want my money back. Maybe I wouldn’t have agreed to get in there. I don’t know. I was like, holy moly, this is brutal. That girl had gumdrops. I felt like I was becoming a member of the polar bear club. Yeah. Were you okay? Yeah, I was fine. Did you have shrinkage? Well, I’m sure. I did not take a ruler out or anything. Yeah, right.
Well, I’m just saying I know how you like to show off at the changing room. I think it was your last story. That’s right. You and the boys were kind of like taking bets. Yeah. No, but it was incredibly. I never. I swam normally, you know, with these kind of things. You get in. It’s kind of cold because it’s cold outside or whatever. And then you warm up as you move around. Well, I did not really warm up at all. And then I got out and it was even colder. And man, this was a rough day. Rough, rough day. I got to take off my floaties. Well, you know, I’m not a young man. And I’m like, I get in and I’m like, I’m going to have a heart attack. Oh, come on. This is what happens. People, they get in the extreme temperatures, right? So they go…
outside to shovel snow in the cold and then they get too hot and then they just drop dead. Okay. we got quentin on the phone yeah i was really, I was like, when i first got in, I’m like, uh-oh maybe this lady will, will not be happy that we showed up and you know she got out of the office. Yeah. Yeah. She’ll be like, got a hall shamu up onto the deck here. Oh man. I shaved for this. Oh yeah. anyway so everyone just got scared, like, oh, if it’s too cold, we’re not doing it apparently i don’t ever read anything. Apparently, they put it out on their facebook or something that the boiler was out. Oh, so all these like 80 year old people picked up on it but yeah like yeah but not me.
Yeah, when people like 50-something can’t figure it out. That’s right. I don’t ever read it. I don’t look at any of that. Come on. Oh, come on. You check out everything. No, I don’t. Honestly, I don’t even care. I have a time. No, come on. I go at the regular time. No. You’re probably like, what’s the weather in Iceland today? Let me look. Well, I could look, but sometimes I don’t. get curious. Yeah. I’m not curious about that. Yeah. I’m going to be now. I’m cool. Curious. I went this morning. Oh my gosh. It was the most delightful. I just jumped right in. It was it was fantastic how early do you go? Well, I don’t want to tell you because people show up or something, but you know i go yeah me yeah yeah okay i go early in the morning yeah i’m gonna show up to watch you swim.
I don’t know. You may just show up to hang out in the locker room for all. Well, what does the lifeguard look like? I mean, well, no, I’m just saying you’ll hang out with all the guys. Donald ducking it, you know? Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. Hey guys. Hey, Irv. How’s it hanging? Oh, wait, I can tell. Looks like a pencil eraser. Oh my cow. Oh my goodness. Um, no, no, I do. We go early in the morning. Yeah. Five? I’m not telling you what time I go. Come on. 5.30. It’s early. Before you would go, I can tell you that. You used to get up at 10 and race into work and barely make it. This is the latest I can be before I get in trouble. I have work jobs that way. That is true. Come on.
I get up early, I do my swim, then I get ready and go to work. But I pretty much work from home nowadays, so it’s not a big deal. So I basically go swimming on company time is what he does. Is what he’s not telling us. No, I don’t go big swimming on company time. Oh, I swear to God, I’m working, boss. I swear to God. I swim in the early in the morning or I’ll swim at lunch. Yeah. One of the two. One of the two. Yeah. Okay. All right. but yeah, that was the cold day. It was cold it was yeah this guy’s there at 10 o’clock now some guy did show up, uh, as we were finishing and i don’t think that he paid attention to the announcement either. Oh, you weren’t a nice guy like hey mister no yeah no i’m like hey he’s here. Same as me.
Nobody said, hey, you might not want to get in. It’s really, really cold. Right, right. No, they didn’t say that. In fact, she said it was only five degrees colder than normal. I’m like, well, what’s normal? I don’t know what it is. She knows. I have no idea. Maybe she does know. It’s not like a bath. It’s not like 90 degrees. It’s probably like 70 degrees or something. I don’t know. Blair, tell me what’s normal. You tell me. so anyway, yeah, it was, it was, uh, well, I’m sorry. So you had to go to that ordeal. Wow. Yeah, I know. Whatever you think this, uh, children starving in africa and bob’s got to swim in a cold pool. You know, I was like, I know. Oh my god first world problems right here man i know i know humanity i love it
Can I turn off the pool, please? I’m like, thank God. I’m not spending $20 a month to swim in a cold pool. I’m going to tell you that right now. Yeah. It was cold, I’m telling you. That’s the coldest. Are you going to be okay? I’ll be fine. I didn’t die, although I was concerned about it there for a little bit. I read a story about it. Oh, like… Yeah. All I could think about was, isn’t the temperature change, isn’t that what kills people in the wintertime? No. Super cold and then super hot or something? No. What is it? No. You would know. People with clogged arteries, they shouldn’t be out traveling. I’m sure your doctor probably tells you not to do certain things. What are they? Don’t jump in a really cold pool, Miles. Oh, no. I’ll ask my doctor. I’ll ask my doctor. Or he goes…
Maybe, Miles, you want to get in a cold pool to shrink up that giant stretched-out nutsack of yours. I see. Oh, I see. I do you some good. I’m going to get in a hot tub. Nah, come on. You’ll be dragging the ground. That’s right. That’s right. So what’s going on with you? I’m very cold. I jumped in a cold pool and I saw Jesus. You know what I’m saying? Did you? Yeah. no, you know what? I was like some little bitch here last week. I thought you were a little bitch. Yeah, really? Yeah. No, this like lady comes in like twice a year. Probably. She said she sells like, you know, pens and pencils and office supplies and stuff. You know, I’ve, I don’t know. I’ve talked to her. I don’t know. Over the years, you know, we’ve talked and joke around and stuff. And I don’t know why it was like, what have you done? You look,
Different. You look really nice you she said this to you yes i’m like what just like she must have needed to make quota or something. Yeah, because i like had not shaved in like five days my hair i just cut my hair recently, but my hair was like really long is that is is that a beard or just your extra skin around your neck? Yeah, well, that’s a different story yeah but miles has got a neck beard that’s made out of skin. Yeah, that’s a different story, yeah. I’ve actually been talking to people on the phone, like holding the phone up with the shoulder, and they’re like, you sound like you’re muted all of a sudden. I go, it’s my third chin. I’m sorry. I’ve had several people tell me this. I’m like, what the hell? Yeah, but anyway. It sounds to me like you’re talking through a steak. No, it’s weird. This lady is like, your hair. Are you doing something to your hair or something? Are you just…
Do you dye, are you coloring your hair? Well, here’s the, here’s the most incredible part of coloring it white. Yeah. No, uh, no, here’s the most incredible part. Ready? Have you lost weight? Oh yeah. Okay. Now I know what’s coming. Yeah. Ding, ding, ding. Yeah. You know, pencils are on sale this week. Yeah. I lost weight. You think? Drop your pants. I want to see what’s doing. Let me see. Is it because I’m not wearing sweats today? Yeah, I don’t know. But I was eating it up. I was like, oh, really? I don’t know. Thank you. I guess I’m a little cute. Yeah, I guess so. I am cuter now than I was back there. I don’t know. It was weird. I was like, I don’t know. Did anyone tell you you look like a young Chris Farley?
Yeah, I know, right? Yeah, you look like a shit. I don’t know what you look like. You could be a Farley brother. I swear to God. Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah, just totally. This lady has never buttered me up like this before. Oh, wow. She must have really been hurting for a sale. Like, hey, what do you got going on, mister? I’m getting the vapors. What’s your skin routine? Oh. I’ve got to know, what’s your Zodiac? You don’t look half as pimply and flaky as you did last time I saw you. Well, that’s because I bought this $600 face cream down in New Orleans. Yeah, I don’t know what that was about. It was just like, oh, okay. Your face used to look like a homeless man’s ass out on the street, but now it hasn’t.
You’d look like a guy that would jump in a 50 degree pool. You know that you do. You look exactly like a homeless guy that would do that. Exactly. Yeah. So yeah, I was totally getting the whole tree. I know. I think I know how women feel a little bit now. Like, Oh, I’m a little cute. I don’t, I don’t know. I’m sure. Did you buy something or no? Come on. Oh, I don’t buy it. All that work and all that, like holding down vomit. I’m not the manager there. I’m not the manager there. He’s the guy that does that. She’s like, you know, you’re really good looking. Hold on. I’m going to throw up my mouth. You look like Johnny Depp. Johnny Depp now, back then. I want to take one of these pencils and gouge my eyes out. Hold on. Stop.
She apparently had some Tony Robbins tape she was listening to in her car. She comes in and she’s like, when you’re trying to make a sale, tell them how good they look and how fun they are. She gets out and she’s like, takes a deep, deep breath. Do you know where I’m at? Do you see what I’m going to walk into here? Yeah. She’s probably sticking her like a pin into her leg the whole time. Like, okay, don’t laugh. Don’t laugh when you say it. Don’t laugh. Don’t laugh. Have you lost weight? I was like, could you put on this metal bikini? I’m recording for my life. Thank you. Yeah. Oh my God. You always take it too far, and you’ll be like, is there any chance I could get some nude pictures from you? With us together. Just with the pencils. Yeah. I can’t believe you didn’t break down and just go, yeah, I’ll take a couple of Ticonderoga packs. I’m not Boblement, okay? Wow, she thinks I’m cute. She thinks I’m cute. My nose turned red.
Miles, you’re not going to be able to be Santa this year. You’re too darn slim. Oh, my goodness. Oh, my goodness. Is that strawberry blonde? Is that the color you put in your hair? You look like Ryan Gosling. I don’t know a little bit. I don’t. Now, if she would have said Larry Flint, I’d be like, you know, okay, that’s fair. That’s fair. I’ll take that. You look like what John Goodman lost. Oh, my God. wow diabolical man it’s premeditated wow oh my god you look that good oh watch out oh my god yikes yeah are you a gq model oh god Listen, I’m going to sell these pencils. I’ll do anything. I don’t care. Can I just leave them here? All right. So did you return the favor or no? You’re not looking so bad yourself, young lady. Is that a shoppie in your pocket or are you just happy to see me? I mean, this lady and I are about the same age, but she has taken care of herself. You know, whatever, you know.
I did not pour it onto her as she poured some sugar on me. Oh, really? You didn’t? Okay. I’m like, hey, I don’t know what you’re into. Can I get a selfie? You like piña coladas? You know, I got a bet with the guy down at the Casey’s when I go to get my double slice at lunch. After I’m done swimming, of course. You’re never going to believe this. You say all those things while we’re taking a selfie and i’m recording. Did I call my friend bob lament and you just say all these things again so he can hear him it’s true, Bob. He looks so good. He looks good compared to, uh. You can’t even tell elastic waistband in his pants. Yikers. Well, that’s lovely. I’m glad that, uh, you took in all that, you know yeah positive positive energy and, uh,
Yeah, I don’t. What did you have for lunch that day, by the way? I don’t remember. I don’t know. Did you go home for lunch? You go home for lunch a lot. Not anymore. Oh, they canceled that. Okay. Yeah, that was taken away with our union. Yeah. We lost that bargaining there. Oh, I’m sorry. Yeah. Okay. Well, you know. I need some thighs, you know. Yeah. She’ll be like, I’ll be back in six months. I know you will. I can’t believe you didn’t return the favor. That would be a you thing to do. That’s a man’s thing. He doesn’t return the favor. You know what I’m saying? No, you would be like, oh, honey. Well, what are you doing, Farrah Fawcett? Damn. Goddamn, girl. Yeah. Exactly. You ever see the burning bed? Come on. You shit with that ass? Oh, my God. That’s your compliment. Yeah.
That’s your car. Okay. Yeah. Well, I’m sorry she didn’t get a sale. Well, next time. Obviously, it did wonders for your team. Next time, I’m going to pour it on her. I’m going to say, wow, damn, man. Step inside. Walk this way. You and me, babe. Hey, hey.

This Week

In this episode of “LeMent Tonight,” host Bob LeMent welcomes comedian Miles Tidal from Aurora, Illinois, who delivers a series of humorous roasts aimed at Bob. The banter includes jokes about Bob’s past and his questionable habits, such as an anecdote about a painful encounter with a buoyant pool toy. Miles shares his interest in collecting sports memorabilia, including a prized autograph from Walter Payton, while discussing his financial limitations. The conversation takes a comedic turn as they play games, including a segment where Miles offers the worst advice possible. They also touch on humorous personal stories, such as Miles’ awkward moments and his family’s disapproval of certain jokes. The episode wraps up with Miles promoting his presence on TikTok and Static Radio, encouraging viewers to check him out.

Miles Tidal

Bad AI Transcript

Hey everybody. Welcome to LeMent tonight. Hey, our guest tonight is Mr. Miles Title. Miles Title, no one knows who you are. But you’re here tonight on Lament Tonight. Direct from Aurora, Illinois. Sometimes funny, always filthy. Okay. The filthy stylings of Mr. Miles Title. That’s right. Miles, why don’t you regale us with a few zingers here. All right. Well, welcome to the roast of Bob Lament. Oh my gosh. I should have known this was coming. The roast of Bob Lament here. All right. Now, if I can just read my own writing, this is going to be really good. So here we go. I’ll try not to blow this, but thank you. I’m sure you will blow it. I will blow it. Just like. Oh, may I start? Yeah, go ahead. Hey, I met Bob.
at film school, believe it or not. Yeah. He looked like a fat Ted Nugent. Now he just looks like a present day Colin. I’m cracking myself up. He had some jacked up teeth, man. He really did, man. He wrote a book about it. 50 shades of gray. Yeah. He said medicine he took as a child has colored his teeth. But I knew it was linked to his life time supply of good and plenty. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Hey, you know, Bob’s kind of a heck. He thought he knew a lot about movies. He was always bragging how much he knew, but he was kind of a heck too. He’s like, hey, Miles, you ever see the Star Wars movie? You see where Han Solo shot that Guido at the cantina? I’m like, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay.
Bob, please. Greedo. Greedo. Okay. Hey, you know what? Bob. growing up in high school, Bob screwed all the women in Decatur. He really put the D in Decatur that time. Hey, you know what? What? Bob had a three-way in a rock quarry. Yeah, with Fred and Wilma. Bob had sex at McDonald’s with another employee. That’s how he got the name Grimace. Bob got his dick stuck in a zipper. His uncle’s. Nothing? Oh, okay. Thank you. Okay. You know, he went to Decatur High. It was called the home of the running knee pads. Bob made a children’s movie, but not on purpose. Bob would eat with a giant bath towel. I found out later that it was also his rag. Bob made a meal called Fries in a Bag, but it should have been called the Irish Colon Cleaner.
Bob’s been going on vacation quite a bit this year. His next family trip is going to be to bankruptcy court. Thank you. That’s my time. That’s it. So I had, that’s all I had. Okay. Everybody miles title miles. There you go. I had to edit out a few things because I knew it would not be appropriate. Oh, well, I possibly you should edit a few more. Oh, okay. Well, So other than, uh, you know, roasting me, what have you been up to? Uh, mostly work, mostly work. Um, so what’s a hobby. If, if I, if you said, if I said to you, miles, what hobbies do you have? What would you say? Um, I like watching TV. Uh, that’s my favorite. That’s not a hobby.
I like to collect sports items. I think it’s a good hobby. Oh, that is a hobby. That is a hobby. That is a hobby. You know, what always kills me though is like, I’m not funny in a group of people, but one-on-one on phone, like a phone conversation, I kill. I kill. So far, that’s not happening here. Well, I say we’re not one-on-one really though. You know, like I’ll call us like some tech support people. Like you are the funniest dude ever. I’m like, no, come on. No. A crowd of people I will bomb immediately. Tech support thinks I’m funny. I know. Tech people love me. The regular people out in the world hate me. So, yeah. So tell me about the sports memorabilia. Right. What are we talking about? Are we talking about, like, home plate from the World Series? What kind of things are we talking about?
Uh, well, your local miles is, uh, somewhat, uh, limited on cash. So I don’t have anything super cool like that. Now it’s mostly football, I suppose, related. It’s not just the chicago bears, but it’s kind of all nfl stuff. Now I’ve started reaching out and, uh, acquiring certain things from, uh, people i know, you know, are you talking about stealing things? No, uh, no, I know a guy that pops lockers for instance. Uh, you know, is that what they call it these days? Okay. Well, I mean, yeah, I was cut more or less. I think it’s legal. I’m not sure how he does that, but he, I don’t know. I don’t want to talk about it, but yeah, it’s crazy. It’s crazy. This is a good hobby for you. Why don’t you buy storage lockers? Oh, and flip. Oh, uh, pop them. Yeah.
Yeah. Then you can, cause you’re using all the vernacular there. Maybe you should, uh, get into the action. There’s so much crap around this house right now. I can’t even use, I haven’t ever been able to use my garage garage. It is piled full of stuff that will never be used. Is the old, uh, elephant, uh, decoration out there? Uh, I did create my own elephant once out of, uh, kitty litter, uh, Boxes, I guess, in an old family camping tent that my mom had given me, which i didn’t, I’ve never had the guts to tell her that i tore the thing up and painted it and used it as like a halloween thing. But, uh, I don’t want to tell her either. because I know it’ll break her heart when i tell her that but oh let me out in the wings. It’s miles. Mom, come on in miles mom oh yeah you son of a bitch yeah
I could not get her connected. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. My mom’s always asking about this show. She’s like, oh, you’re doing your Howard Stern show, right? I’m like, it’s not mom. You wish it was Howard Stern. I wish it only was as funny. Believe me, entertaining is not. So back to this sports memorabilia. Right. So if you had, if I, asked you, what is the best piece of sports memorabilia that you have you would say oh uh i would say i obtained uh walter payton’s autograph in person at a restaurant that he owned. And that would be probably my favorite. That’s your best one. That’s the best item. Well, personally. Yeah. Oh, okay. I went to that place, didn’t I? I bet you did. No, I went with you. You probably did. That’s just my favorite because it’s on the back of a beer coaster. I love that. What’s the beer? What kind of beer? I don’t think it exists anymore because the gentleman has passed now. He would no longer have an interest in the… They made their own craft beer there.
Oh, okay. It was like, like a house brand kind of thing. Yeah. Right. Right. Right. Okay. I didn’t realize that. That’s interesting. Uh, but yeah, definitely. I’d say that’d be right up there with anything else I own right now. Yeah. I have jerseys and, uh, you know, figures and stuff like that. How much, if you, how much would you say you have numb, you know, number of items? Oh, wow. Uh, I don’t know, maybe around 100 maybe. Really? Maybe 100. I don’t know. Does that include little football cards or does that not include those? Oh, no, no. I have a lot of football cards, but I would not include those. You’re talking about items that are not football cards or items. I have balls. People give me balls. I’ve had balls given to me. I think that happened in the locker room.
My niece’s fiance gave me a ball. That was nice. So he didn’t have to, but he did. That’s right. No, I know it’s weird. It’s like, people give me stuff now. Like I don’t even have to buy stuff anymore. Yeah. I’ve had people just like, oh, I was thinking about you here. Have this like, wow. They’re thinking about you, I guess. I don’t know. I’ll be like, oh yeah. You know, have these stadium seats. That’s okay. I’m like, wow, really nice. Yeah. You’ve ascended to the level of old, desperate uncle who wants sports memorabilia? Yeah. Yeah, I backed off a little while, though, because I was trying to get my picture with a guy I’ve been kind of stalking. And, you know, I was getting my selfie with him. And he’s like, hey, you’re not going to basically pleasure yourself with this selfie. I think I probably told you this story before. Yes, yeah.
you were accused of masturbatory autograph hunting. Yeah, like, hey, stalker, I know how to get rid of stalkers. I’ll accuse them of, you know yeah so that, I don’t know. I took a little break at that point. I’m like let me assess the whole situation. I took like a week off and I said, no, I’m going back. And you’re like, I like masturbate I’m gonna go do it some more. Kirk, I started it. I could not complete. I’m sorry. I want to say that to him so bad. So bad. I want to say that to him. Well, any closing remarks for this segment in your collection of things? Do you want to estimate the value of all of your things? I don’t have like a big item, you know, ticket item things here. I don’t know, maybe a couple thousand dollars maybe. Wow. Oh, my gosh. Maybe. We’ll get to Cancun on this. Yeah. Cash it in. Yeah. I can join you on your next family trip.
wherever you’re going. I don’t think it’s quite enough for that. What if I did go on a family trip with you? Would you allow me? No. Yeah. The songs of silence. I’ve tried to get you to go on a trip with me. Yeah. But not a family trip. If it’s a family trip, then no, you’re not invited. Well, you’re always like, could you wear like this maid’s outfit for me? Like, no, come on. That’s weird. I don’t think so. That’s weird, Bob. I can’t. I don’t think. But I’ve tried to get you to go on trips with me. Yeah. You never did. you never go. You’re always like, uh, I don’t know how it’s going to go. You know what I’m saying? Things to do, Bob. I’m sorry. I don’t, I don’t want it to get weird. I don’t want to go down to Carbondale with you for the weekend. No. Yeah. Well, I know how you get, when you get down there, you’re going to get all, you know, nuts, crazy. And you’d be like, you’re Frank, the tank or something. You get down there, you know, it’s going to get a little out of hand.
You think so? I think so. Yeah, I knew you in college. So I know that you’d probably like go way overboard with it. Like, you know, get a little pinchy here and there, you know, kind of thing. Pinchy? I don’t know what that means. You know, pinchy. Ooh, Christmas goose. Okay. Yeah. I’m not so sure about that. I don’t know. We need to take a quick break here, Miles. And then we’re going to come back and we’re going to play a game. Ooh. All right. Everybody hold on here. And we’ll get back with Miles here in just a second. I was trying to get myself on there. There we are, just me. The Lament Tonight. Let me tell you, I normally play a commercial during this time, but I don’t have one prepared. But I’m going to do a live commercial. And that’s for Static Radio. Every Monday night at 9.30 p.m. Central. I guess that would be 10.30 Eastern, 7.30 Pacific.
You can stop by Plausible and join in the fun with me and Miles for Static Radio. And if you don’t happen to make it, which, you know, is usually the case, you can always listen to it later at StaticRadio.com. So everybody stop by or not, listen or not, StaticRadio.com. Bob, you are a great asshole. Thank you, Gary. I don’t know why you have to jump in there, Gary. Jeez. We’re back with Miles. Hey, I beat autism. Neighborhood kid? Yeah, no. I’m going to make my own shirt. It’s called I Beat Autism. I thought it was $5 foot long. That was the shirt you were wearing. Here’s the beef or something like that. Yeah, here’s the beef. We’re going to play a little game. It’s called What a Story. All right.
I’m going to ask you to tell everybody a story. I’m going to pick a random topic and then put you on the spot. You have to tell a story about my topic. Wait, I’m making up a story or telling a true story? Well, it doesn’t matter to me, but you have to somehow wrap it in the topic that I’m going to give you. Okay, so it could be completely made up. Okay, go ahead. The topic is submersibles. Submersible. Yeah. Figure that one out. Uh, okay. Um, when i was a child, okay. Yeah. When I was a child, we went on vacation and we stopped by St. Louis and there was this place called noah’s Ark. Yes. Yeah. It’s like an old hotel. I don’t know i don’t think it was a chain, but anyway, it wasn’t, but it wasn’t. You’re right. It was an old hotel. You’re
No, I don’t know. It was like west of St. Louis. I don’t know. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. It was just in out in St. Charles. Yeah. Okay. I thought there, I remember, I don’t know why I remember this, but I was a little kid and there was like these, uh, uh, like animal things. Uh, I don’t know if it was their ceramic or what. I don’t know if they were meant to go in the pool or not, but, uh, I know we were using them as like pool toys, you know, like kind of dunking them under the water and they’d like shoot right up. Cause they were like buoyant, you know? And I did that, and I still remember this. I did this like a hippo or something. It came up, and it hit me right in the nut, man. I was like, oh, oh, oh. And I never told anyone, but man, did I regret that. Yeah, that’s true story. Did you throw it between your legs, and then it shot up quicker than you thought?
Yeah. I didn’t think it was going to shoot up that fast. It was like a rocket, like to the nuts. It was like, were these things you’re supposed to be playing with? I don’t know. I don’t know if they were like really pool toys or something by the pool. They were like plasticky, you know, holes in them, I guess, because no, they did not. No, they were very, uh, they could float. Yes. They were very buoyant. I mean, No, I don’t think they were. I think they were hollow. I think these things were hollow. Why didn’t they just blow away? I mean, we have tornadoes here. Come on. I don’t know. This was a long time ago, like before they had tornadoes. You stayed at the Noah’s Ark Hotel is what you’re saying. We did. Yes, we did. That’s true. Yeah. Did you stay in a room with an animal sticking out of it? That part, all I remember is getting hit in the nuts. I really don’t remember anything else about it, but I do remember that.
Yes. Like my first time, like my first time really getting hit in the nuts hard, you know yeah yeah how old were you? Oh, 18, 19. no i don’t know i was a little kid. I don’t know why i even remember that, but i remember it like oh wow man now the funny thing is, uh, I mean, I’m very, I’m somewhat familiar. I’ve never stayed at the nowhere. I wasn’t, you know, high class enough to stay at the Noah’s Ark hotel. Let’s be honest. It was, that was a highfalutin kind of place. Right. And they did, they literally had animals sticking out of windows because the whole place was shaped like a boat. Yeah. Yeah. And it, I mean, it was, it, the Noah’s Ark hotel was still there whenever I moved down here for quite a number of years, actually, believe it or not. You know,
If I search through our family videos, I bet you we might have something, a brief thing on it, maybe. Probably your dad standing by a giraffe’s neck with his pelvis sticking out. Or by some woman, random woman in a bikini probably, pointing towards her nether regions. Yeah, that’s true. Yeah. But yeah, it’s gone now. It’s all been. changed over to something else. But yeah, for many many years if you drove out to St. Charles, definitely in the 90s. Yeah. It was still there. In the 2000s, maybe not so much i think i had to be there in the 70s, about late 70s. I would imagine, because i think that was the heyday for the noah’s Ark. Yeah, like, you know, they used to have kind of trendy, kind of, no not trendy, but, you know, I don’t know what you’re gonna call it, but something like that, you know so miles so you tonight you told some jokes
at my expense. Right. Now, is this going to be something that you’re going to continue doing there? Uh, I’d like to, sure. Why not? Uh, I had some ones that my family told me, please do not do that. That is really going to be probably not. Well, this material is what you’re saying. Yeah. My son, I trust my son. He’s got a pretty good sense of humor and he’s just a dad. I really would not do, you know, You want to throw one of those out at us to see what we think? Uh, I was just going to say, if things keep going the way they are, Bob’s going to have to get a Ouija board to contact his friends. Yeah, no kidding. But yeah, you know, stuff like that. I thought that was a joke. Oh gosh. Yeah. He said, don’t do that one yet. Yeah. Like dad, please do not do that joke. He will not forget. It’s funny. It’s very hurtful.
I was going to do a joke about your dog that froze to death too. Oh, man. My wife said, please do not do something like that. That is a really nice story, by the way. I know it is a true story. Unbeknownst to me, of course, I was probably out getting drunk or something and I had no idea that he froze to death until later. Yeah. I was not being the best person at that point. I didn’t People were watching the dog. Let me put it that way. Yeah. Who I will not say who they were, but yeah. Yeah. It wasn’t like I abandoned the dog and it froze to death. Right. You had nothing to do with it. I had nothing to do with it. I was, yeah. Yeah. I was just not living there at that point in time. Right. Yeah. So I did edit those out. Yeah.
Yeah. Anyway, that’s terrible. That’s a terrible joke. I’m glad they told you not to tell you that one. Well, sometimes I need that. I need a little filter. You’re going to be reined in. You’re a wild card. I do need to be reined in. Yes, I do. I do cross the line sometimes. Yes, I do. Hmm. That’s interesting. I don’t know. My dad was like that too, though. He actually broke off a relationship, like a friendship he had for a guy at work for like 20 years because he was like, you know, he was telling dirty jokes at like a company thing. He’s like, Oh Wayne, my friend Wayne told me this dirty joke and he kept doing it like all night and find this Wayne guy. He’s like, all right, F you. Like, I don’t think they ever talked again after that. It was like, Oh boy. You know?
Poor Wayne. Yeah, poor Wayne. He ribbed Wayne a little hard, is what you’re saying. Yeah. Well, when you attribute a joke to somebody, like, yeah, you know, Bob Lament told me this. Well, he really didn’t tell the joke, is what you’re saying. Yeah, right. No, he had nothing to do with it, but my dad kept throwing his name into it, like, oh. Going under the bus. Yeah. Good old Wayne said the dog froze to death. Right, yeah. Yeah, so it was like a 20-year friendship, like, bing. Wow, that’s harsh. on on So yeah, you need a filter. You need a filter. I think, yeah, I think you need a HEPA. You need, you need a Brita. Yeah, I do. I do. Yeah. You need a brita filter, I think, to get all those heavy metals out of your business there. Well, uh, Gary’s gonna, I think gary wants to play us a song. Gary, you want to play a song?
Thank you, and good night. No, it’s not time for that yet. You need to play a song, Gary. Here we go. Gary’s going to play us a song. Ready? One, two, three, four. you guess that song miles uh i think that was closer to the heart by Rush, wasn’t that or no no i don’t what was it? I don’t know. Rocky Like a hurricane by the Scorpions. but sounded nothing nothing that was no it’s the song at you know full tilt it’s just really yeah balls to the wall, yeah. Oh. I don’t know. I don’t know. I guess. Try another one. Maybe we’ll get this one. Okay. All right. Okay. Gary, you ready to play another one here? Alright, here we go. Bye.
Aha. Aha. Take on me. Oh, I love take on me. Yes. That’s what Wayne said. Take on me. Okay. Miles, here we go. Another game real quick here called ask not. Okay. Go ahead. Questions to you. And you’re going to give me the worst advice possible. Are you ready, sir? Yeah, go ahead. All right. I’ve got $500, and I want to get the best Bears memorabilia that I can get. What are you suggesting? You got $500. Cash money. Cash money. Yeah. As they say, you can’t just say cash. You have to say cash money. Cash money. Yes, I understand what cash money is. I got, you know, some Zlotties. I got some cash money. You got some C notes. Okay, you got five C notes. Yeah. For the best Bears memorabilia I can purchase. Remember, this is the worst advice.
The worst advice, the worst advice would be to buy something, an autograph that has not been authenticated. No, that’s good advice. That’s good advice. Take a guy’s word that something is like legit. Oh, okay. Don’t, don’t vet the autograph. Just like this guy. Yeah, this is sweetness. Like, this is his jockstrap. I’m telling you right now. This is game-worn memorabilia. This is actual sweat. Yeah. Okay. That’d be bad, I guess. Yeah, that’s pretty bad. I mean, unless it really was his jockstrap, I suppose. Well, I mean, yeah. I don’t know how to prove that. If you could prove that, I mean… Hey, that guy’s got some small nuts. I wouldn’t say I wouldn’t buy it if I could be proved, I guess. If it was $5, you’d buy it? Is that what you’re saying? If it was a deal, the guy cut me a deal, yeah. $500, though, probably out of the… Yeah, no, I would never spend $500. Out of the realm there. I am too cheap. There’s no even way that would happen. That’s why I had a hard time with that one. Maybe I shouldn’t ask that because you’re a fool on his money. You probably would spend $500 on a used jockstrap saying it was
This is refrigerator Perry’s jockstrap. Oh yeah. I’ll give you $500. I just spent a hundred bucks about a month ago and I thought that was a lot. Yeah. Okay. Well, it is a lot by the way. I don’t know what you’re spending a hundred dollars on, but jockstrap. Yeah. I was going to say two strings. So here’s another one for you. All right. I have to, I’m going to go to college and get a degree. What degree should I get? Oh, man. Well, I was going to say library science, but maybe with a minor in French, you know, I don’t know. That’s your worst advice. Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Wow. You know that vetting process you talked about earlier? Yeah, you’re right. I’m getting warmed up now. Okay. Yeah. It’s just almost over. I know. I know. That’s my style. Yeah. Yeah. That’s true. I say the good stuff till the end. Yeah. That’s what they always say. Yeah. So, uh, miles way before we go, where can people find you at? I am, uh, all over social media, man. You know, if you want to,
check me out on the tiktokers and the Instagrammers. I stay away from twitter somewhat, but yeah because it’s not, it’s called x now. Did you know all right yeah i don’t know. I’m so old. I don’t know. I’m like, Oh, you know, I’m trying to use periscope right now. I don’t know how that works. I have no idea what that means. That’s funny. Yeah. Yeah. So, okay. But what’s your handle? You got to tell them your handle. You can’t just say I’m there and then people are like, where? Miles Title. Just look up Miles Title. I love TikTok. I love TikTok. It’s my favorite. What’s your favorite thing about TikTok? Young cheerleaders and stuff like that. Oh, my gosh. No, I don’t know. Uncomfortable laugh right there. No, there’s interesting stuff on there. Like what? Other than young cheerleaders, what?
Does this have to do with sitting on food? Uh, no. Sorry. Uh, there is a lady on Instagram that does do that. She is a cake sitter. She sings as she sits on cakes. Yes. I’ve seen this. What kind of songs does she sing? Could you give us an example here? Uh, you won’t believe me if I told you this, but I think she was singing Sarah smile. I think it’s what she, my Hall of notes, I think. No, no, no, no, no. That’s not. Yeah. That’s the wrong song. Which one is it then? It’s a very, it’s a kind of a slow song. Okay. I guess you don’t really want to say a fast song when you’re trying to do like a slow, you know, sexy sitting on a cake. Oh, okay. Gotcha. Yeah. I don’t understand the sitting on food, but that’s something that you would seem to enjoy. Well, no, I mean, I don’t enjoy it. I mean, it’s just something unusual. I mean, I just happened upon it one day, you know, like, you know, researching a book I’m working on and like, Oh, when’s that book coming out? Uh, well, pretty soon, pretty soon. Yeah. It’s going to be just, uh, on,
You know, the Kindle or other places? Yes, it’ll be all over. You’re going to pick it up at the airport, you think? I’ll be at the airport selling it, yeah. All right, Miles. Well, thank you for being here and being my guest on Lament tonight. And I guess folks will be looking for you on the TikTok. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks for having me on. Thank you, Bob. People can watch you watching other people, but do you actually post things on TikTok? I post you a lot. Yeah. I just, I black out your eyes sometimes, you know, so it’s not too obvious, but yeah. Really? Yeah. I don’t think that’s very nice. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. What do you say about me? Am I sitting on things?
I put clown makeup on you with the use of AI. You’re always walking around. Here’s John Wayne Gacy. There he is. Oh, my gosh. Well, Gary, play us out. And thank you again, Miles, for being here tonight. My guest, Miles Title, you can catch him on the TikTok as well as weekly on Static Radio. Any parting shots here? Bob, save your $500, okay? Save your $500. I will. You know I will anyway. Yeah. Thank you. Whistle.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

If I can’t work it, then nobody can work it. It’s stupid bullshit. It’s poorly designed. It’s poorly designed. I can’t do things. My God. I wish I could do things. Yeah, fuck you. There it is. can do things. I guess Miles is not going to talk tonight. He’s all mad now. He’s pouting. I’m protesting. I’m pouting. I want tapioca. You know, back in the grotto, when I was at the playboy mansion, things just worked. That’s ridiculous. That’s ridiculous. It’s ridiculous. This website needs to be fixed. Okay. I think it was fixed. It was updated. Yeah, it’s a train wreck now. Okay. Train wreck. Anything else today? You’re ugly. Okay. I appreciate that. hey everybody. Welcome to bob and disgruntled miles yeah show here yeah yeah miles the disgruntled what do you do whenever, you know, you can’t get a door open or something.
I usually can get a door open, so I’m not sure how that equates. I don’t know. I’m trying to think of something. I generally get mad. You’re too in love with technology, Bob. I do love technology. That is true. It’ll be our downfall someday. This much is true. This much is true. We’re going to end up like that Gary Newman song, Me, is what it’ll be. What? You talked right over me. I was trying to talk. I know, I was singing. I know, your horrible singing drowned me out. Okay, I’m sorry. I love technology. It’s the greatest. Yes. It’ll be the end of the world. All right. Restart the show. Let’s restart the show. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. Welcome to Static Radio. Okay. Oh, Miles. Glad you can make it tonight. How are you feeling? Man, I’m having a fantastic time. I’m glad I’m here. Fantastic. You sound like you just got your grade from Cinema 102. Oh, I see. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
oh my gosh. Man, you were earlier, you were fucking around and then you stood out of me and then now the worm has turned. You’re right. You are the worm. The worm has turned yes alright alright are you ready? I’m ready. Take three. Hey everyone, this is Miles. Welcome to Static Radio. Glad you’re here. Let’s get started. Bob? Hey! This is great. Did you find anybody else that I know that has died recently? Yeah, I’m going to wait until after the show, I think, to talk to you. Take you out in the hallway and talk to you. Oh, okay. Grab your ankles, son! Do you ever get swats in school? Who? You ever get swats? Is that like a minority? No, you get swats. You get the paddle. No. Really? I’m surprised. I’m surprised you didn’t get swats. No. Really? Okay. Yeah, we were rich. Rich kids don’t get hit. Oh, okay. Well, I wasn’t. I got smacked at least twice. Really? Or what?
Let’s see. One, I don’t remember. And the other one, it was because I shot this kid in both ears with rubber bands from the back of the bus. Oh, wow. So he had these big ears. Yeah. And we had a bunch of rubber bands. And so we were shooting everybody. And it wasn’t just me. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And this kid that lived down the street from me, he was like, he wouldn’t, you know, I shot him in one ear from the back and then I shot him in the other ear. And I was in big trouble. He told on me. And I’m like, how could, what could happen? Yeah. I got swats on your bare ass. No, come on. What are you?
I’m just imagining it. No, I’m just saying. You had your pants on, but you had to bend over. Did you have to drop your pants? No, no dropping the pants. Oh, I don’t know. I never got it. Well, the thing was, you never knew. And so you couldn’t pad up or anything. And so I didn’t know. I thought it was no big deal. And next thing I know, I’m getting called down. I’m like, guess what? Yeah. How many did you have to take? I think I got two. I got one for each year. But they were good ones. I mean, this is a solid hit. So the principal had a paddle that had holes in it. Oh, those are the best. Yeah. It looked kind of like a cricket bat. Yeah. But with holes. Yep.
Yeah, it was not what I wanted to have done. How old were you? What, 20? No, just joking. Probably 10. I was held back a few years. So what? Don’t make laugh. Man, don’t make laugh. Probably 10 or 11, maybe. I don’t know. Yeah, it was terrible. I won’t say it really deterred me in the future part, but I was a little more, you know, I picked on the kids who were not as tattly. Yeah, probably a good point. Yeah. So, like, I’d have something on them or something. I’d be like, you tell on me, motherfucker. And I’ll… All your nudie bags will be gone. All right. Don’t do it. I’m not going to talk. I swear to God. I swear to God. No, you know, I had to have people who were, who had some scruples for Christ’s sake. I wouldn’t tell on you. All right. Yeah. You don’t want to. Yeah. I can’t believe you didn’t get swats. I mean, you’re such a smart ass. I mean, you got a smart mouth. I’m surprised. No, the only time it was mentioned was around middle school. I think some girl got caught cheating.
And the teacher was this old guy that would used to go out and smoke all the time during class. He’d come back. Yeah. He caught her cheating. She had like the, I don’t know, the answers hidden. I think she was sitting on the answers or something in her thigh or something. Yeah. So I don’t know. Anyway, he’s like, well, I wasn’t going to slaughter, but I’m not allowed to. Oh, so I’m going to swat title. Cause he’s an asshole. Uh, I did get, Uh, I did actually, well, no, I got hit once by a teacher actually. I don’t really open hand. Uh, I got hit in the, uh, back of his hand. He hit me in the shoulder. Oh, wow. Come on. That was probably accident. No, it wasn’t a fucking accident.
Are you sure? Sounds like an accident to me. It was an English class. This guy’s reading a story about a guy who’s riding a horse and gets shot in the shoulder. Uh-huh. Oh, okay. So he was just being dramatic. And he was being dramatic, so he took his hand and back-slapped me in the frickin’ shoulder with it. And you get shot like this. Bam! And the nurse of the guy got shot just like this. Like this fat Polish bastard. Pow! Tidal’s holding back the tears. Look at his three chins jiggling, kids. What are you talking about? You weren’t even fat back then. Nah, I don’t know. I always thought I was fat. You were a little skinny guy. Nah, I don’t know. I always thought I was a fat kid. You hit my shoulder. No, it was just, I didn’t, you know, it’s like one of those things, like I didn’t expect it. It was just like more like, what? I think I got hit with a ruler several times. Yeah. That was like in grade school.
Oh, like the Blues Brothers? Yeah, well, not on the hand, but, you know, like, I don’t know, randomly. I didn’t get in the face. I know that. I got in trouble for, like, making too much noise walking up like the wooden bleachers. Some old, you know, World War II guy. Todd, will you get your ass down here right now or sit by yourself? That cannot be the sound of these steps. That must be your squeaky asshole. Get down here. Oh, yeah. No, I had some hiking boots on. You get your ass down here. Give it to one of the pushups. Yeah. I got in trouble. I think in trouble a lot, but I got for a quiet kid. I got in a lot of trouble. Yeah. Quiet kid. My ass. Come on. No, I don’t.
No, I was a quiet kid. I was. No, please. Come on. I was. I was. Let’s not put falsehoods out there. Please. Come on. I was not the cool podcaster you know today. Okay. I was kind of a quiet, well-behaved, somewhat well-behaved. Yeah. Not well-behaved. A little smart ass. Yeah. I don’t know. You know what? I don’t know. I guess. Nothing major, I don’t think. Kids don’t get swats anymore, do they? Your kids never got swatted. No. Yeah, me neither. Mine neither. I think the worst thing that ever happened to me, I would say middle school. Was being born. Was being born. You see? I know I was in line for lunch, and I had a buddy in front of me. He kind of looked a little bit like John Denver a little bit, but anyway. Rock him out, man.
the teacher thought I had punched him very hard in the back or something possibly because you did yeah no I did strike him, but not hard not were you reenacting the gunshot wound I go, Hey, this son of a bitch, you know what he did? you son of a bitch. And he goes, Kyle, come here. I got something special for you. I gotta talk to you, son. Your son, you take your lunch and you go sit down by those trash cans and you think about what you did. I’m like, oh, are you fucking serious? Like, yeah, you’re going to. And that was pretty humbling. Yes, that was very. I bet you. I bet it was. If I ever meet that motherfucker again, I’m going to spit in his face. I swear to fucking God. Okay. I will jab a finger in his fucking eye until he’s dead.
old fucking man he’s a piece of shit really yeah i you know even though i got swats i wouldn’t say that uh the principal was a piece of shit yeah i deserved it i was being terrible our principal uh we got a new principal when i was like a senior and i don’t know why he came up to me a couple times i was eating he started rubbing my shoulders twice i’m like I’m like… One of those principals, eh? Yeah, I think old Miles is being groomed there. I’m pretty sure. Wasn’t the first time, nor the last. I can tell you that. Oh, yeah. I bet you were. No, I had a weird thing. The funny thing was the principal gave me SWAT. Yeah. Are you okay there? It’s my second job. I’m sorry. I’m
I’m at the kennel right now. I’m sorry. Yeah, I was going to say, I’m dog walking. I’m working at the kennel. This is my second job. I didn’t want you to know this. I’m washing cars at the same time. Yeah, I’ve got to go to my car washing job here soon. So he came along and then as luck would have it, he kept getting promoted as I went from junior high to high school. So he was also my high school principal. Yeah. which was great. Yeah. So I didn’t even get to escape him. You know what I mean? You guys like falling. Yeah. Yeah. It was weird. Although the funniest thing, and I, I was no part of this, even though I know you’re going to think that I was, I was not any part of this whatsoever. I doubtful. So he was a really tall, he was really tall guy, super tall, like, you know, probably, you know, six, six or something.
He was a basketball player in his youth and actually still played basketball. I played for Milliken, I’ll have you know. Yeah, I don’t know where he played for. Anyway, in the wintertime, we used to do recess inside, right? Well, yeah. In high school, you’d go to the gym, and we had a gym that had permanent bleachers. It was really old. These were like built out of wood. Right. So yeah, I’ve had one. Yeah. So anyway, we were all in the gym with the permanent bleachers and everybody’s in there for high school at lunchtime. I mean, you go to the cafeteria, but if you’re done eating, then you go into the gym. Right. Exactly. So everybody’s in there almost lunchtime, almost over. Somebody, not me, throws a dildo out onto the middle of the gym floor. Wow, you guys are way ahead of your time. Yes, and right as the principal was coming into the gym. Oh, good, even better. And he did not miss a beat. He walked right out there and put it in his pocket. Oh!
You know, he had a suit, a suit on and he put it in his, you know, in the, in his not, not the inside pocket, but the outside pocket. Yeah. And everybody was watching. Oh my gosh. The noise, the laughter. No one better laugh. Yeah. Oh my gosh. It’s like one of the, it’s like one of those moments in your high school, you know? Yeah. career that you cannot forget. You’re like, I cannot believe you went and picked it up. I probably was like a sophomore or junior. I can’t remember, but yeah. Yeah. And everybody’s seen it. because it was right out there in the middle. Do you know who did it i don’t i honestly don’t i don’t know it wasn’t one of your friends. No, it was on the other side of the gym. I was on the far, I was on the far side of the gym.
It was one of the Socs. It was one of the Socs. I don’t know who it was, but it was funny as hell. To this day, people still talk about it. You’re sitting there with your buddy Soda Pop Curtis. Yeah, no. My buddy’s… Drug was one of my buddies. Drug. Hey, Drug. His name was Doug when he was high a lot, so they called him Drug. Yeah. You guys have the best nicknames. Every time you tell me a story, you’re like, ah, this guy was dildo breath. Like, I don’t want to know why. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Drug was, I’m trying to remember everybody’s nicknames, but yeah, everybody had a nickname. Yeah. Uh, Skippy. Yeah. I don’t think Skippy was sitting there that day. I don’t, I remember Skippy being there. Yeah. Cause he skipped a grade. He was a smart kid.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, you did tell me. That does sound right. I tried to find Skippy. I know he’s a professor, but I can’t find him. Oh, I got some bad news about him. Oh, come on now. Sorry. The funny thing was, and I don’t know if I told you about Skip, so my nickname was Clark for a while. Yeah. Hey, man. Clark Kent. My mom wouldn’t let me get the wire glasses. The wire rim glasses because she’s like, I’m going to break those. I had to get these big chunky plastic glasses and they look like Clark Kent glasses. People started calling me Clark. Those old Vietnam era style glasses. No, not quite that bad, but it was You know, it was bad enough. Yeah. And so, yeah, my nickname for a while was Clark. Clark. And I just went with it. I was not going to fight it. Clark. I had to get, you know, I had to get glasses in high school. Yeah. Yeah. Geez, who else? I mean, there was more. I’m trying to remember. I can’t remember. Beef. Beef.
Yeah, Beaver. His nickname was Beaver. Everybody called him Beave. Hey, Beave. I don’t remember why. It had nothing to do with anything dirty as far as I remember. His teeth or something? No, he didn’t have exceptional buck teeth. And then there was Rat. A kid called Rat. You’d go round and round with him. No, because he had… He always said in gym class, he said, you look like a drowned rat. Because his hair was all crazy. Yeah, so he got that nickname. That was a good one. Rat. Skippy. Hey, Rat. He didn’t like it too much. Dally. Yeah, Rat. I got Rat to eat an aluminum ashtray one time. Oh, geez. Skippy. He actually ate it. Well, he tore it in half and chewed a piece of it. Yeah. Oh, geez. People don’t have any, like anybody who’s young has no clue that there was a time in the world where everybody smoked. Yeah. Like everybody. Yeah. And we were at the end of it, really. Yeah. Yeah. Lucky us. And so you would go to like, we were at Hardee’s, I think it was.
Or McDonald’s, I can’t remember. McDonald’s. And they used to have these little aluminum ashtrays. They did, yeah. They had the big M on it and a little place for your cigarettes. Like a little crinkly edge to it. Yeah. We got something that was late. We had been drinking or what have you. And we were eating… And I said, I’m going to give you $5 if you eat that dirty ashtray. Wow. And he picked it up and he bit it and ripped off a piece. Oh, wow. He was pretty wasted. Yeah. In his defense. Yeah. Well, yeah, yeah. I think I did give him his $5, though. Hmm. Yeah. I’m like, oh, my God. And then he cut his mouth. It was even worse. He was bleeding. That’s the most unbelievable part that you actually ponied up the money. That’s the most unbelievable part of the story. I always pay my bets. Yeah. Yeah. That was good. And then the night went downhill after that, to be honest with you. You take this.
packet, this ketchup packet, stuff it up your a-hole. I’ll give you 10 bucks. One friend of mine used to love to take ketchup packets. We’d go to McDonald’s or whatever. If we had any leftover ketchup packets, as we walked out the door, he would throw them onto the sidewalk and then stomp on them and ketchup would just go everywhere. You’re such a dickhead. At one time, he does it And I get totally covered in ketchup. Hey, Clark. Yeah, I had to chase him down. I’m like, you son of a bitch. Dang, these are glasses my mom bought you, jackass. Well, I was older at this point. I didn’t have glasses. I wore contacts at this point. Oh, let me change the voice. Hey, these are glasses my mom bought me. These are glasses my mom bought me. A chopper. Yeah. You didn’t have any good nicknames or anything?
you like you live like a sheltered life or something you’re the bubble boy. No, we had, uh, we had some way i don’t remember there was a kid that would twitch a lot. They called him twitch and he did twitch a lot. Uh, there was my friend kinky Catholic, uh, who’s now in politics there was a boner. That you. No, that was not me what was your nickname? I don’t think I really had one. Oh, yeah. That means it was really embarrassing. Yeah. They called me Krabs. Oh, I just, I don’t know. They called me Furburger. I didn’t have a name. I was just like, hey, you. Oh, come on now. That’s not true. That cannot be true. I don’t know if I really had one, Nick.
I don’t know. I had more than one. Yeah. Clark was just the early one. Yeah. No one ever really talked to me. So I don’t know. I don’t think I had one. I don’t know. What am I doing then? Christ. I should have learned from these people. Yeah. Yeah. No other good ones. No other fun names. Uh, I only had like three friends. So yeah, I pretty much named them. Yeah. Yeah. I exhausted my list. Yeah. I didn’t, uh, Oh my gosh. Yeah. Terrible. Yeah. I was thinking a few more. Honestly, I can’t, it’s hard. Oh, well, I don’t know. No, I don’t know. I’m John. I guess I’m blanking out. Oh, you didn’t think about it for a while, huh? Yeah. No, I don’t know. I tried. I got a kid named fairy called fairy. Uh, well, he wasn’t gay or anything, but,
His last name had the word fair in it. Oh, I see. Yeah. Hey, fairy. Yeah. Oh. Yeah. I’ll have to get back to you on that one. I don’t know. I’m really blanking out on that one. Oh, my gosh. You’re no fun. I called you one of my nicknames. I don’t think I had one. I don’t know. Okay. Okay. I’ll wait. I’ll wait. I don’t know. The waiting is the hardest part, man. I don’t tell you. I don’t, I really don’t think I had one. I don’t think. Well, in college we had Serge, we had Sarge and we had, uh, what was it? One kid’s name that one was, uh, I think squirrel and turd. I was trying to remember turd. Yeah. Turd and squirrel. Oh,
Lots of good names. In college, we had hundreds of names. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you were like ripping them off. We’d be sitting there. You’d be like, yeah, that’s turd. I’m like, what? Well, he looked like a turd. He looked like a turd. You always said he looked like he snipped a turd. Yeah, he did. He looked like a human turd. He did. And Stan. I think his real name is Stan. Yeah. Stan, yeah. Are those people’s last names? O’Connor. Yeah. Yeah. Clark. Clark. Although that wasn’t his name. Yeah. Yeah. That was his name. Well, it wasn’t his legal name. Right. Right. He just went by that. But yeah. Yeah. Interesting. See, you got into it as you got older. You were just a little shy. I’m telling you, I was in a little bit of a thing. Yeah. I got out of it. Yeah. We did. Yeah. Yeah.
My brother had a friend they called the Big O. Big O. Big O, yeah. Yeah. And I was friends with his younger brother, Little O. Little O, yeah. Who was that girl you had me speaking dirty French to? What was her name? Jenny something. Her name was Jenny. I don’t remember. Dirty French? Yeah, you’re like, hey, this is a funny song. I want you to say to her. I’m like, what’s this? You’re like… I didn’t even know what it was. I’m like, hey, Jenny, hey. I think she’s like, no fucking way. I think she spoke French. Yeah, I’m sure she did. Yeah, I’m sure she did. Yeah, I vaguely remember her, I think. Yeah, yeah. Vaguely. But I got, I mean, you know, that was the, those were back in the day when we
at other stupid things. This worked out here. We got a whole show out of… Out of nothing. Out of you being angry. No, no. That part’s been cut out. Oh, no. I don’t cut anything out. Yeah, it’s going to be edited. So everyone who’s listening, it’ll be edited out. Being all pissy. And about… I’m sure he’s probably dead by now. My old principal picking up a dildo. Yeah. his name was Mike, and everybody be like, what are you doing with that dildo mike later enjoying it all right join it boys nobody got in trouble as far as i know. Somebody did it.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

and then live streaming is on and then i’ve got to come over here and i have to hit this over here Yeah. Static. Hey, everyone. Miles. Miles, the throat clear. Yeah, I was waiting for that fucking gong sound to go away. I love the gong. Get it on. It’s too long. Cut it. Cut it. Get it on. It’s not even 30 seconds. I mean, it’s… Oh, 30 seconds is all I need. Your honeymoon, but… Well, you don’t know a thing about my honeymoon. I had a hell of a good time. Yeah, I’m sure you did. Tantric. Well, I was going to say alone. Oh, okay. All right. Okay. There we go. Oh, my goodness. Hey, everybody. I’m tired. What are you guzzling over there? Nothing right now. You sound like a freaking daffy duck. I don’t know. I have no idea what you’re talking about. Okay. But I will have a drink now.
Oh, okay. Yeah. All right. By all means, take your time. We’re here for you. Good friends. Tonight is kind of special. We’re here for you. We’re here for you, sir. All right. Well, sorry, Mr. Perfect. Good tonight. Good night, Lombrow. Cool. Bye. So… Yep. So… You wonder why I have such trouble getting on the topics. I’ll have you know that I’m a lifelong stutterer. And this jack hole is not helping me at all. Oh, look, it’s. Back in the late seventies, early eighties. Mel Tillis school of how to quit stuttering. It’s come to kill me. How are you going to catch me? I met the man Mel Tillis. He said, whenever you having trouble, like just stop and pause. And then the words will come to you. Or sing. Yep. Right from the mouth of Mr. Mel Tillis. It took him a little longer to say it, but I am a graduate, so. Oh, there you go. So this…
A little bit of inside baseball here. Miles and I, we talk every week. We do the show. We talk before the show. You know, I’m very vested in the, you know, the lives and the well-being of his family. Oh, yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah. I’m always inquiring how everyone is doing. Yeah. Make sure that all their new jobs are going well. And you know, all that good kind of stuff. So typically miles does not send me stuff during the week. Hardly at all. In fact, most of the time he doesn’t, let’s just say that. Right. So I try to have an ongoing dialogue, but there’s not a lot of reciprocity in all this. So, um, so yesterday was, yeah, it was yesterday in the evenings.
Miles texts me. He’s like, for whatever reason, he couldn’t send it to me in the text. He’s always Mr. Redirect. He’s always like, no, don’t look here. Look over there. You weren’t answering. And so he texts me. He’s like, check your Facebook messenger. I’m like, why? What is this? Some kind of scam? Am I going to go over there and then be inundated with something? Yeah, yeah. And so I go, so at this point in time, because I’m trying to get over my stuttering, I’m doing all these podcast guesting things. Yeah. And so I was in the middle of doing a movie review for Jurassic Park or Jurassic World Rebirth. Yeah. And I’m talking away, you know, dinosaur. dinosaur dinosaur, Scarlett Johansson. And I open up my messenger and what do i see? Hey, by the way, our friend tim from college dead. Yes. Like a year ago or more a year and a half ago yes and i’m like and i’m like i’m trying to talk about dinosaurs.
And now all I can think about is my poor friend, Tim, who died a year and a half ago. I had no clue. Talk about extinct. Yeah. Nice one. And so then, yeah, now I’m totally distracted. I’m like, what? Is this like a joke? Is it some kind of weird thing from Halloween? Am I going to joke about that? Come on. Get out of here with that. Well, you’re Mr. Misdirection. You’re like, text me. Go to… Go to Facebook Messenger. Wait a minute. Instagram. Hold on a second. Go to threads. Real stuff’s on threads. I’m like following all these breadcrumbs trying to figure out what the fuck’s going on. I’m Dr. Lecter and you’re Clarice. What is it in itself, Bob? Go in my storage locker and find a head. In it yourself. Yes. Exactly. I’m like, what? And so, yeah. So then
I like text you back. I think I messaged you back. And then radio silence. Okay. I’m like, what happened? What is going on? What is the world coming to? It’s all coming down. Everything’s crashing. And nothing. And then this morning I wake up. Well, actually, I was awake. I got back from going out this morning to do something. Come back home. I didn’t take my phone with me. There’s a message from you. Hey, yeah. Let me see what it says. It probably said something stupid. What? Let me go look and see. I can’t remember now. You know what? You blow up my messenger with these stupid things. I go, what? I asked you last night before I went to bed. Do you have any idea what happened? Finally, this morning, after like 12 fucking hours, I don’t want to say. I don’t want to say it. I’m like, he’s already dead. You can say it. No, I didn’t want to say it. All right.
We still don’t want to say it. I had to guess. Here’s your problem. Tell me what my problem is. You are like having an elderly person on Facebook. You send me the most nonsensical bullshit videos that I could give a fuck about. I say, please don’t send all these. No, no. I’m your old uncle. I’m going to keep sending them. Cat videos and Kids getting hurt. Please stop. Please. Please. Limit it to like one a day. Okay. One a day. I’m trying to have a rapport with you. I know. It’s too much. It’s too much. It’s too much. I’m like, hey, have you ever been to the sandwich shop that’s close to you? Don’t know it. Or I don’t hear anything. You just ignore it. So I go on to the next. Because you send me like 70 things a day.
Please. Please. Knock it down to one. Maybe four or five on a really active day. Oh, my God. This guy. This is the most nonsensical bullshit. Jesus. You know, it’s like, hey, have you ever seen the world’s giant gnome? Yeah. It’s in your state. It’s not that far. I know. I’ve been to that city. You go to crazier shit. You’re like, I went and saw it. No. Had I known it was in that town, yes, I would have gone and seen it. Yes, I would. I had no idea it was there until after the fact. Well, I made you aware of it. And I’m probably never going back to that town again. So, you know. I’ve been banned. Well, that’s different. Yeah. I was texting the mayor of that town. I’m like, hey, by the way. No. You ever hear Ed Gein? Anyway. No.
No, that’s where the young bar major kind of picked me up, and I had to say no. Yeah, and you’re like, don’t. You’re going to hurt yourself. Don’t, don’t. Yeah, don’t. Yeah. I don’t know what a female hernia is, but you’re about to get one. You’re a vagina. You’re going to drop, yeah. You’re going to drop some eggs and try to pick me up. That’s why, okay? So I don’t know if other people have had to tell you this, And maybe they’re just trying to be nice. I don’t send anybody else anything. That’s the funny part. Oh, okay. I get it now. Okay. Only you. My friend. My one friend, Miles. No, because I don’t want to bother other people. I think it’s funny. Yeah. They might have lives or jobs or something. So I’m not going to send it to them, but I’ll send a hundred. I mean, thank God they’re not, you know, kitties and puppies and whatever else, but it’s just this nonsensical. It’s all interesting stuff.
Nonsensical. Oh, now I got to look at this. It’s so nonsensical. Let me see if I can open it up here. It is so nonsensical. Please. All right. Last five things I sent to Miles Tidal. Let me go back here. Besides the link to talk tonight, because you can’t remember fucking shit. Galloping Ghost Arcade in Brookline. F you, man. I’ve been concussed three times in my life. So F you, man. I’m going to have CTE. I sent you a thing about an arcade in Brookfield up in the burbs. We already talked about that. I actually sent you the obituary of the person who passed away. You didn’t send me that. You just said he’s dead. Well, right. Yeah. I mean, what more do you need to know? Yeah. And then I sent you a video about the world’s largest something or other. And I sent you a thing. It’s the last one. The fifth one.
about the McPike Mansion, which you and I visited. Right. So why do we have to discuss it? I told you you should have been Jerry Jewell from Facts of Life for Halloween this year. You know, I don’t know. Why do we have to rediscuss stuff we’ve already done? I don’t understand that. It’s like some old guy retelling the same story, you know, over and over. I thought the Jerry Jewell thing was hilarious. Well, good for you. Anyway, so Miles, like, you know, throws me into the blender hits puree and then leaves it on all night till the next day you know if you’re doing a podcast you really shouldn’t have been blowing it off and looking at your text messages well because you never said anything i thought it was important i’m like oh my gosh this must be no you do the podcast this is horrible uh
Well, we’re talking about Scarlett Johansson’s cans. Yeah, okay. Yeah, I enjoyed them. Hold on. I got to read this text. I don’t think I even mentioned that, to be honest with you. I got to read this text. Oh, shit. No, I kept going. You can probably tell, but I didn’t stop. Yeah. I used the rule of five that Mel taught me about stuttering, and I just kept going. Number one, don’t stop unless you need to take a pause. That’s the second rule. Take a pause. Maybe you should apply this to sending people messages. Okay, stop. You’re so sensitive. No, it’s too much. Don’t blow up my DMs with your bullshit, man. I’ve been waiting like six months for you to do this. Oh, my God. He will not quit. It is like some elderly relative.
I’m like, how long will I have to send him stuff before he finally says quit sending me stuff? Hey, Miles, have you ever seen the Blues Brothers? You know, I’ll be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you ever mowed grass before? Here’s a video on how to do it. Here’s some video of me from my security cameras mowing my grass. Jesus. I’m like, enough, please. So anyway, I just, yeah, I was just like shocked. Yeah, well, I was shocked, too. Yeah. I was shocked, man. He was a good guy. He was a young man, a virile, good-looking young man. Yeah. Nice guy. Yeah, he was a super guy, man. I didn’t know him as well as you, but yeah, he was a nice guy. Yeah. It’s sad. I know it’s just sad.
I know it’s not your month, man. Sorry. He died a year and a half ago. We just didn’t know it. It’s like if a tree falls in the forest kind of a situation. When I first looked at it, I’m like, wow. How could I not know this happened in June? I looked again and I’m like, what? Last year? I’m like, holy shit. It’s a year and a half. Talk about… If you’ve been sitting on this for a year and a half, Tidal, I was going to be really, really mad at you. And who knows, maybe you sent me a text a year and a half ago that says go over to friends or my space and look at my, my space profile. I got something to tell you. Okay. Enough time has passed. I’m going to tell you this right now. That guy, you know, yeah, he’s dead. Yeah, exactly. Talk about throwing for a loop. Come on. Well, why would I do that? Jeez. I don’t know. You’re, you’ve got really weird, you know, you’re weird.
Well, I don’t doubt that. I’m not disputing that. No one disputed that. When you’re raised by weirdos, you become a weirdo. Okay. All right. Yeah. I’m like Thorny Bush got remarried. Wait, it was a year and a half ago. That’s right. That’s when I was looking. Yeah. I’m just, but no, I was like, it threw me. I was just like all discombobulated there. And then as soon as I get done, I start firing off things to you. You know, what happened? What’s this? Here’s the, you know, looking stuff up. And then it’s like, you got like a check. You’re like, well, how and why and where and who, it doesn’t matter. He’s gone. He’s gone. You know, he’s gone. Well, I thought maybe you,
had a little more info, you know, considering well i would have given you more info, like man you could have just sent it to my facebook and not even mentioned, not even texted me well i figured you were on you i figured you were online somewhere and you didn’t answer your message so that i texted you. Well, I’m, I’m not always the best about yeah well wait a minute. I shouldn’t even say that you’re the fucking one who waits a whole day. I’m fantastic at answering messages. Maybe I was mourning the guy, all right? You don’t know. I might have been, like, five. You were mourning, and then all of a sudden, oh, DQ. Hold on a minute. Oh, man, now I’m really sleepy. I just ate, like, a whole peanut buster parfait. I better just sack out for a while. It’s hard. I have ADD, okay? I was really… Yeah, you got something. Something with a D on it, that’s for sure. My family all has ADD, all different dads, yeah. Yeah, exactly.
kidding yeah so but anyway, I mean, it’s just a horrible, it’s just a horrible, it’s horrible. I know. I hope. Oh my gosh. He’s got, he had two, uh, boys and you know, they’re men now well they’re you know they’re not they’re working their way, you know, into being a regular working men, but you know, there’s still some stops along the way. So you’re right. They’re not little children, but still. I don’t know. Tough, tough. Mm-hmm. But you know what the weird thing is? Yeah. The weirdest thing of all is… Wait, there’s more. Yeah. I’m like, how’s Miles still alive? Yeah. I’m like, my friend Mark, a contractor his whole life, super strong guy, drops dead. Tim, he dies. We don’t know anything about it other than that. And here you are. You’re pumped full of drugs, popping pills left and right, wrapping up things in parts of your body, and you’re doing fine. I’m Keith Richards, man. Yeah, no kidding. And I’m like…
i mean, I fear for myself. No. You know? Yeah. I, uh, yeah. I’m, I’m fearing for my life now. because apparently the people who don’t have to take, you know, 10 pills a day are the ones that are dropping dead so no figure it out, man. Oh, geez louise i’m like how’s this how’s this work yeah and i come to the conclusion that we’re the ones who are actually dead and he’s still alive. Yeah. The upside down. Yeah. We’re in the upside down. That’s so, uh, what’s up with you, I guess. Uh, well, you, you like more technology stories. Yeah. Well, whatever. I mean, I don’t know where the, where, how the other one, a technology story. I don’t know. Go ahead. Yeah. Oh, this guy’s all,
I’m a little down. I’ve been depressed all day. I’ve been all night for an answer that was not even an answer. You know, my dead sister used to say, get some therapy and get over it. I dug up more information in the 10 minutes we were talking ahead of this than you give me all day long. You’re like, oh, no, he’s dead. Yeah, you were getting a little weird with it, though. I won’t go into it. A little bit too intimate with it. Yeah, let’s not talk about that. Alright, so I’m on this group chat thing. Oh, wait a minute. You’re on a fucking group chat and you’re complaining to me about sending you a couple things? Oh my God. Talk about a fucking double standard. No, this is different. No, no, no. Ain’t like that. There’s no difference. You probably get $100
For this group chat. Okay. We were, we were, because they were trying to figure out, we’re trying to figure out some Halloween plans. Okay. All right. And there was, uh, some going back and forth, like, Hey, we could do this. So I can, I try to silence my phone at work. I, you know, I hear, you know, you know, okay. I saw it in my wife, my other, you know, everyone’s, you know, and so it’s like the end of the day, it must’ve been the day before Halloween, maybe. Anyway, no, no one knew it was like two minutes before Halloween started. Yeah. Whatever. So let me show up. I got to figure I’ll put on some holy underwear and be there. That’s all word goes to Christmas past. And I, I get, so I look at, Oh God damn it. Another notification. It’s like, I was on this like, hi Lisa, shall we go shopping today?
And you’re like, hello. Hello. Lisa’s friend. And, uh, yeah, I’m like, uh, so I look at it and it’s not a, uh, area code. I would know. I’m like, okay. Hmm. Someone’s really missed the, you know, ball on this one. Yeah. No. Okay. So this is your text back. No, but I’d be interested in some tacos. Wait, wait. Yeah. Okay, so there’s going to be a person A and a person B in this. Okay. So this is texter A, right? So I’m like, sorry, no Lisa here. And then it’s like, oh, oh, oh, oh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. It’s no problem. Oh, I just, I wish you were in New York. I’d invite you out for a coffee. Oh, really? Yeah, I was wrong or something like, uh, no, you know, I was like, yeah, yeah, you know, whatever. I don’t drink. Whatever.
babe yeah right so uh that’s all that’s really sad, right? And then, like, 20 minutes later, like, what different phone number. Oh, hey, Lisa, uh, we up for shopping today? I’m like What is this, like, a call girl service or something you’ve tapped into? I don’t know so i’m like a code word to go shopping? Is that a code word for i don’t know if it was the exact same my wife was trying to say, it was the exact same question. I don’t know what it was. Right. So I’m like, sorry, no Lisa here. Uh, Oh, Oh, that was it. That was, I go, sorry, no Lisa here, but enjoy your, your time in New York. Ah, you know, I’m a mind. Fuck these people a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. This is so familiar. So I said to person a, who has not like quit talking to me. I just, I go, Oh, Oh,
Someone else has asked him at least a LOL. So now we’re done with person. It’s now person B. I, and they’re like, oh, well, that’s weird. I go, oh, I just thought it was fun. Or no, they’re like, how’d you know I was in New York? Okay. And I’m like, oh, LOL. I was having an accidental conversation with someone else from a different number and they had kind of given away the game plan, you know, LOL. I thought it was funny. Right. Well, I’m glad you thought it was funny, but I’m really concerned now. They’re more interesting. They’re more interesting. I want to know. Stuff that actually is applicable. And you just want to talk about shopping. No Lisa here, but I’ll go shopping with you. Are we heading to Frederick’s? I don’t, maybe I’m talking to Jennifer Love Hewitt. I don’t know who it is.
you know? And then, you know, so then it’s like, well, this is Jennifer love you. And in your mind, you’re like, Oh my gosh, Jennifer love you. And I’m texting her. Yeah. Right. You know, it’s like Britney Spears on the other one. I got to take a break. I’ll be back in a little bit. I’d be back. And, uh, yeah, I’m glad you’re enjoying this because I don’t think it’s funny or, you know, my assistant would only have access to a phone. And then, uh, now you’re an assistant. I’m like, well, And so I Google these. I didn’t Google the numbers. I look at the prefixes and one’s Texas and one’s California. Really? This is getting weird. So my wife’s like, you’re getting scammed. I go, what are they scamming me out of? They hadn’t asked for money. They didn’t ask for nudes. I mean, what are they scamming? Well, apparently they’re scamming you out of your daydreams about Jennifer Love Hewitt. So
Due to family pressure, I had to delete the conversation. Oh, well, you still had it. Yeah. No other follow-ups? No. No, I know. You’re in flyover country. You can drop down over the Mississippi and stop by and see me. I just thought it was funny. I’ll be like, oh, I know your plans. So you’re telling me two random strangers from Texas and California. Correct. You’ll spend… half hour, 45 minutes fucking around. Yes. Yes. Your friend for over 30 years sends you some interesting topics. Quit sending me shit. I haven’t gone all day to look at the crap you’re sending me grapes. I was thinking maybe it’s Lisa Kudrow or something. Oh, I mean, what if it’s like someone really cool? I mean, I get in on this, you know? Okay.
Yeah, I see where you’re at. You see? No, there’s nothing wrong with it. Maybe a little bit. Maybe a little bit wrong. It’s a victimless crime. No, I’m not saying on that end. I’m saying on the end where you’re chastising the people that you know in lieu of fucking around with two strangers. I didn’t know where it was going, man. I didn’t I didn’t know. I couldn’t tell. Maybe I was going to get a menage a trois with Texas and California. Yeah. Maybe I’m going to get drinking coffee with someone cool. You know, I don’t know. Yeah. Well, you know, if you need a 300 pounder in the mix, I’m willing to come on over. It’s probably like two Russian dudes or something. Minivan. I’ll be there.
16 hours. I got diapers. I try to hook up Manny. If I get more information, maybe we can send Manny in as me. Manny wants to be part of your nonsense. He does. I’m not going to go. I’m driving into New York for some bitch named Lisa. We know a gentleman in Jersey named Manny. Manny the mailman who listens to every once in a while but uh yeah he’s gonna be up for your nonsense. I don’t know. So many questions. So many questions. You are, you, you’re like, you live in the world of what if don’t you? Yes. Yes. Thank you. Yes. Yeah. The concrete stuff. Couldn’t care less. Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. Yeah. I’ll give you a hundred dollars. No, no. Wait a minute. This could be Jennifer. Love Hewitt.
I did give him $100. That was to reserve the table for our coffee though. We’re going to go to Red Lobster and then I don’t know what we’re going to do. We’re going to Times Square and we’re going to Guy Fieri’s Chicken Guy restaurant. I just thought it was funny. He told me it was $100 to get a table there. I just thought it was funny that the second person was starting to get all huffy about it. Maybe they weren’t supposed to be know that they were in New York, huh? Maybe you ruined a relationship and now Lisa is stuck in New York. I don’t care. She’s having to work the streets to get back to Texas. It wouldn’t be the first time I ruined a relationship. I don’t even have no money for bus fare. Stupid Miles Tyler. Stupid Miles Tyler screwed me over. I had a millionaire on the hook and then he had to come in and fuck it all up because he doesn’t have…
He can’t read other people’s DMs. He’s got to fuck around with strangers. It’s duality of man, all right? Yeah. The ying and the yang. I will tell you, you are the guy on Let’s Make a Deal that always got the donkey. Yeah. Wah, wah, wah, wah. Oh, my gosh. No, I don’t want to keep the cash. I’ll take what’s behind door number two. Dumb jar number two.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

am i chewing off your hand or something bingo bring me bring me my middle finger bingo wow Gosh, what a weirdo, I swear. Don’t fight so hard. Oh, my goodness. Oh, it’s telling me I can’t do that anymore. Oh, well, we’ll just do this then. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Static Show. This is Bob. Hey, everyone. Miles with Static Radio, I think. Why do you say you think? No, I was hearing all these weird noises, and then you finally came on, so I didn’t know. Oh, because I was playing the music, the intro music stuff. Yeah, like someone throwing around a cardboard box or something. I’m like, oh, that’s the intro music? Oh, okay. Well, maybe you couldn’t hear it. See, look, Static Radio, there it says it right there. Mm-hmm.
right exactly oh my goodness you’re like on one tonight with your you know With your misremembrances and everything. You should probably go check that out. I was making fun of your family and you got a little pissed off. You said it was serious. You’re like, oh, seriously, I can’t remember. Now you’re making fun. I thought your daughter had a menial job. I’m sorry I thought that. I was incorrect. I wouldn’t even call that a menial job. I’m like, no one’s ever talked about that. This is not… You tell me things. This is not the topic of conversation. You tell me things, and then you’re like, oh, no, no, no. Oh, Monroe. I’m like Ted Knight over here. I don’t know. Oh, okay. I just thought she was a janitor. I didn’t know. I’m sorry. Sorry to all the janitors out there. I thought your daughter was a janitor. Well, I
No one’s ever said that, ever. I don’t know. You’re like, oh, she takes a lot of shit, let me tell you. I’m like, oh, she’s a janitor. Okay. No, come on. I never said that. I don’t know. Sorry. I didn’t know. So it’s almost Halloween, right? So the show will come out. It’s Halloween. This is Halloween. This is Halloween. One of your favorite times of the year. Yeah. I don’t know. We’ve done many little side things about Halloween, and we have them out on the YouTube and so forth. Right. But I actually have three… Well, maybe one scary and two mildly scary stories that happened to me that I’ve been holding on to now for almost a year. Okay. I’m listening. I’m just letting my dog out. Sorry. Oh, for fuck’s sake. It’s always something with this guy. I’m a dog walker at night, and I try to do this show while I got my phone, juggling my phone underneath my third chin, and then…
I’ve got to make a living, okay? Oh, by the by, your daughter’s a janitor? Well, you know, I’ve got five jobs. I’ve got to take care. I’ve got to dog walk a little to make some money, okay? There, okay? You’re like Mr. Gig Economy here. Don’t worry, Bob. I’ll be there. I’m just going to be doing some Ubering and some door dashing. I’m just going to say that. I’m like, hey, I’ve got to get in the car. If you could just hold on for like two seconds, I got to run this up to the door and take a picture, okay? That’s my ghost story. Here, I’m going to tell a heartfelt ghost story. Please. I got to tell this shit. All right. Before the guy cries, please tell the story. I might cry. Tell your ghost story. I actually have more than one, and this is a serious freaking story here.
Oh, okay. This is serious though he’s i’m telling you he’s grouchy so i’ve been decided, I’m trying to decide if i’m even going to tell it. That’s the problem, right? And I thought, Well, it’s Halloween, I should probably tell if i’m going to tell this story, now’s the time. And, you know, some things bother me, and i don’t talk about them for a long time. And this is one of them. And so I’m finally thinking, well, maybe if I’m going to do this, I should do it now. So I got to walk the dogs. And by the way, I got to go. I’m going to change the filters in the furnace. Hold on a sec. Please tell it so I can make fun of it now. Go ahead. Okay. Oh, you’re not going to make fun of this. You’re going to be fucking freaked out. No, I’m going to laugh the whole time. Okay. So I have never even mentioned this. This is how, you know,
weird i am about things so my mother passed away about a year ago correct and i’ve never talked about it on the show correct well uh so three things have happened to me since my mother passed away that is very freaky and scary okay okay the first one was um so she passed away and then i kind of took over to be the person to kind of get some things done, right? So I’m, you know, talking to our neighbors and and i’m like you know, we’re going to be doing a sale and all this kind of stuff. And I was getting things ready. And I was at her house doing this, right? Prepping everybody because it’s it’s you know, it’s a terrible thing and yes then the neighbors are all wondering what’s going on.
Okay, here’s what’s going to happen. So I’m prepping everybody trying to be a good guy. And I’ve been over the neighbors telling them, you know, that there’s going to be a sale at this, at the house and so forth. I come in the house from doing that. And there’s a phone ringing. inside your late mother’s house. Inside my late mother’s house. There’s a phone ringing. Um, as i walk in the door, phone starts ringing. Now you’re like, who, so what? Right? No, I’m getting sucked into this story already. Okay. Wait, wait, I’m not even gonna laugh. There’s a little, there’s a little backstory to it. So, uh, my mother had a landline until probably four months or five months before she passed away. And I convinced, I set her up with a system that basically used the cell phone that I had purchased for her to be her phone. That’s all she was using at this point. And the landline was just a bunch of people trying to sell her stuff. So we disconnected the landline and I set up a system technical, you know,
I’m not going to get into the particulars, but I set it up so basically she could use her cell phone and it would ring on her regular phone inside the house. Okay. All right. Well, she’s been passed away maybe for, at this point, probably about a month, right? When I walk in there. Number one, there is no landline anymore. Hasn’t been a landline for probably six months at this point. Okay. And there is no cell phone. Hmm. At this point, I had the cell phone, but I did not have it with me. It was at my house where I live, which is hours away. I go into the house. A phone is ringing. I totally freaked the fuck out because there should be no way in the world that this phone is ringing because phones need power.
And they need something to trigger them. Right. Correct. And this is just after I had launched through talking to people about selling stuff. So I left. I didn’t even finish what I was going to do. I left. Did you not answer the phone? I didn’t know where it was because it wasn’t in the room with me. There’s three phones hooked up to this thing that I set up. One was right there in the living room where I was at. One was in the kitchen. And one was down the hallway. And only the one down the hallway was ringing. Which was my mother… I don’t know if I want to hear any more of this. I left. This is freaking me out. I’m freaked out now. I’m completely freaked out. It gets worse. You’re freaking me out, dude. So I totally freak out. I gather up my stuff and I leave. I couldn’t take it. I couldn’t go find the phone. I couldn’t take it. I didn’t even say anything to my wife. I said, I’m on my way home.
And I finally told her after I’d been home for a while, I said, I got freaked out because this phone was ringing. She’s like, well, maybe it was an old cell phone. I go, no, I have everything. At that point, I had gathered up anything that was like that or any important stuff. And basically at this point, I had prepped the house to start selling things. We had gotten past all this other stuff. finding important papers and all that kind of thing. So I’m totally freaked out. And then, so I did go back. I mean, I did do, you know, complete my duties and everything, but I got rid of all the phones the next time I was there. I took all the phones and got rid of them. Poltergeist when they take the TV out of the motel room. That’s right.
It still scares me. That’s why I wasn’t sure about talking about it. That’s number one. Number two. My good friend helped me. So we have the sale. Sale goes off. There’s still stuff left. I’m giving stuff away to people that I know and so forth. And then all you’re left with is the stuff that nobody wants. Yes. Yes. So my wife and I and some neighbors and a good friend of mine, we clean out the upstairs one day, right? And totally clean it out. So it’s totally empty. But we had a dumpster for stuff. And so put it in the dumpster. So then I had to get another dumpster for the basement because I couldn’t fit any more into it, right? So I get another dumpster. Well, then it’s just me.
Right. I didn’t ask everybody because the basement wasn’t quite as crowded as everything else. So, um, and I wasn’t the stuff down there. Nobody wanted, it was just, you know, stuff and upstairs. I’m like telling people to take stuff, you know, take it if you want to take it, you know? And, um, so anyway, I go down there, uh, by myself again to clean out the basement, which they had a walkout basement. So, You know, everything was down right by the door that goes outside. And so I was just carrying stuff out and putting it in and everything. I come, just get started doing that, right? Mm-hmm. I come walking in and it sounds like something, like a bookshelf full of books falls over upstairs. Mm-hmm. Like the whole house rattles. Mm-hmm.
like shakes violently as I step in the door. There’s absolutely nothing upstairs. It is empty. I mean, I stepped in the door. This happens. I literally just stood there in shock and trying to decide I had to get this done though. You know what I mean? Because, you know, we sold the house. And so I had, I had to get stuff done. And so I stood there for a while and then I walked outside and I stood outside for a while. I did not go upstairs. And then eventually I started, I finished what I was there to do. And I unloaded, I unloaded, I loaded up stuff from downstairs. Luckily I had somebody coming by a little bit later that day to pick up some
furniture that was down there and they were there with me for a little while but it scared the living shit out of me i swear to god i was about really did you tell that person what had happened no no no again i didn’t talk about it till i got home. I didn’t talk about it. And so then that’s the second thing. And then now the third thing is probably the most creepy thing okay even those two things were not creepy enough. I am going to let the dog in. I’m just going to announce this. Such an ass. I’m delivering for Amazon on the side. Hold on. Let me throw this package up on the porch and take a picture. So CB, if you got to take a piss break, take it right now. Cause it’s going to take a few minutes. Just let me, the dog’s outside. She’s barking at some ghost or some shit. I don’t even know what it is. Okay. Yeah. I hope it’s, I hope it’s like the last of us mushroom men.
I’m not even going to be able to sleep tonight after hearing all this. Come on, get in, dumb shit. Oh, geez. Now you’re yelling at the dog. So then, so this is the last thing, right, that happened of note. I mean, little things happen, but these are the big ones, right? So everything’s cleared out of the house. The only thing I kept was an office chair, and I had it out in the garage. because I needed some place to sit because i had to wait for, I had some workmen come in and fix some minor things before the sale, you know? Sure. And so i needed, I didn’t have a place to sit down. So I kept this office chair on wheels, um, you know, in order to have a place to sit when i showed up to wait for people to do some work. Right. And so i used it, you know, probably for, I mean, you know, it was like a little electrical, a little plumbing, you know,
So I had to wait for these guys to show up. So then on the, but I didn’t want to get rid of that chair because that was my only place to sit other than the car, which it was summertime. And so it was really, really hot out there. So anyway, so I use it out in the garage. And then when I was done with all that, I put it in the kitchen, in the kitchen, you know, just to keep it somewhere, not in the garage. And so then I came back to check on things. I think I had to sign some papers or do something, you know, meet with somebody. And so then I go inside the house and the chair’s gone. And then my first thought was, well, who broke in and stole this chair? Right.
And so I didn’t think much of it, and I was kind of doing what I needed to do, checking on things. It was for the realtor. Anyway, I walked down the hallway to what was an office space that my parents had made one of our old bedrooms into an office. Yeah. Guess what was in that room? Don’t say it. Don’t. Oh, God. The chair. Oh, my God. The chair was in there all by itself where it was supposed to be. Yeah. Now, it’s not like the kitchen is right next to this room where it just accidentally rolled in there or something. You have to go out of the kitchen, down a hallway, and into the room. So you have to make two 90-degree turns. Right. So there’s no way…
there’s no way rolled and there’s and there’s there’s no reason for anybody, at this point, everything is gone. There’s no reason for anybody to put that chair if they if like the because at this point i think the realtor had a key or something, to put that chair in that room because there’s nothing in that room. There would be no reason. Absolutely no reason to be down there because it’s not like you would want to sit there and look at something because there’s nothing to look at. Yeah. It was in the kitchen just to keep it out of the garage. And yeah, so something moved the chair from the kitchen down to where it was, which, you know, nobody really knew that. The realtor never knew that because he never really saw the house with stuff in it. Right.
No one would know that was the office. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I’m like, I left. That was it. Now, I did go in there afterwards and everything, but I moved that chair back out to the garage. Yeah. Oh, shit. I took it out of the inside of the house, and I put it in the garage. Because in order to get from the garage inside the house, it has to go up steps, and that wasn’t going to happen, I was hoping. All right, I’m up for it. So three very scary stories have happened to me, and I swear, you know, who knows, right? Yeah. A couple of these can be easily explained. Somebody rolled the chair, which I highly doubt it, because nobody was supposed to be in there, and nothing else changed or whatever. The thing falling again, there was nothing to fall.
It was totally empty upstairs. The phone’s probably the easiest to explain. Maybe there was a phone that got electrical impulse somehow, but again, not likely. now this is not, this is not the first time that somebody in my family, I think, and this is just my, you know, feelings has contacted me after they passed away. I don’t think i’ve told this story before. Maybe I have, you’ll remember if i had, so so i think it was my mother. you know, trying to get my attention, but I was still freaked out. I’m like, you know, this is the worst possible way to get my attention. Right. Um, cause it freaks me out. And I’m like, ah, you know, um, but, um, my grandfather died and he, somehow I ended up with his like component stereo system. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is way back in the day when that was a big deal.
He had this really nice stereo and somehow in the scheme of things, I ended up with it. And I was only like, I think 12 years old, I think when he died. I had it in my room. I would listen to the radio and play tapes and whatnot. And one night in the middle of the night, I wake up because the stereo turns on by itself. It has a switch. It was a big chunky switch back in those days. You know what I mean? To turn it on and off. I wake up. I’m groggy. I go over to it. All it’s playing is noise, like static. I stand there for a minute. I’m like, how the heck is this thing on? I turn it off with the switch. It doesn’t go off.
will not turn off. Right? Yeah. And so i stand there and i’m like, well, what is going on? Right? I didn’t think anything of it. I was totally out of it so i pushed the flip the switch really fast a bunch of times and finally it goes off. Yeah. I wake up in the morning and i’m like, what is, you know, I remember this happening kind of because i was woke up right dead doesn’t ever work again. It’s fairly new. It was not even probably two years old. It’s broken. It’s dead. Won’t work. Never worked again. That is weird. So anyway, there’s my scary family stories for you to take in. That is spooky. Very spooky. And I have one to talk about. You know, normally I told you about the whole
overpass thing, like right after it happened and everything. This, oh no, I wasn’t gonna let this go. I thought I even thought about keeping it another year but I thought, well. You know, what bothers me is you, and I won’t mention what this is, but you gave me an item before your mom passed it’s literally like three feet behind me and I’m so freaked out right now. I want to put this thing outside. It was from my mom as well. I know. I know. And I’m afraid this thing’s going to start making noise. Like it shouldn’t be making noise. And then I’ll be like, okay. Both the guys said, I’m launching into the river. I’m launching you into the Mississippi, man. Boom. I, it is. Oh my gosh. Each one of those things. Yeah. I just, the only reason I stayed after something fell upstairs was because I had
I was paying his money. I was paying for this dumpster and I had to get this done or else I was going to have to pay for another week. Oh yeah. Those are expensive. They’re expensive. Yeah. So I’m like, I got to get this done. And I knew some other people were coming by for the furniture, but I didn’t know when. And so, yeah, I’m like, Oh yeah. But every other time I just left, as soon as I, it happened, I’m just like, okay, I’m out of here. Yeah. I’m out of here. Dang. yeah that’s my spooky, scary story. That is spooky. It’s not even funny it’s spooky yeah it’s strange it falls under the strange category. We said strange and humorous. Yeah, yeah. Strange and or humorous yeah and or and or both a lot of times but uh yeah the um yeah it was just, you know, and it, I mean,
people have these kinds of things happen and, you know, they’re not believed and so forth. And it’s like, to me, it’s, it’s so real and it happens, you know, it’s happened. And I mean, there’s no way I can say, yes, this was my mother trying to tell me something or no or whatever. But, um, you know, it certainly is weird. Right. So my father passed away of, few years prior to that, so it could have been him as well. I don’t know, but yeah, they had lived at that house for over 50 years, so. While they were alive, did you have any incidents there while they were alive, or? No, no, never. Well, just the one with my grandpa’s stereo, that was all. Yeah. But nothing else, I mean, nothing else weird like that happened. I mean, it just was right uh yeah these things happened afterwards, and trying to think of,
I can’t remember. No, no other weird, you know, paranormal type things happened while I was there other than my grandfather’s stereo. That is weird. Yeah. Yeah. Most of the other things that I’ve had happen have been elsewhere. So yeah, weird, weird, weird and, and disturbing. I mean, it’s just, you know, the worst part for me is, You know, the falling thing, I have no explanation for at all. I can’t even tell you how it happened. Right. The other two things, you know, I know where I left the chair because I was the only one that sat in it because it essentially became my sitting chair. And I’m the one who hooked all the phone stuff up. I know exactly how it works. I would say, yeah, maybe the chair might be the most puzzling. But, yeah, the chair one is, yeah.
It’s weird, yeah. But it’s also the most explainable. Somebody came in, they moved the chair. It’s easily explained. Oddly enough, the one that I stayed for is the most unexplainable. Because there’s literally nothing to fall. Everything was gone. There’s no shelves, no books, no things hanging on the wall, nothing. And it was above you. It was above me. Oh, yes, it was above me. I felt it. 100% above you. There’s no way it was outside, like some kid threw a basketball against the sighting. No, it was like somebody knocked over a bookshelf full of books. That’s how rumbly it was. It shook everything. Right. It shook everything. Yeah. It wasn’t outside. It wasn’t like a car backfiring or anything like that. It literally shook. Everything above me was shaking.
Yeah. Snapping their fingers. Yeah, and I was like, oh my gosh, what the hell just happened? It would be if you were playing Buck Buck upstairs. Yeah. Here comes Miles, buck number one. Kaboom, kaboom, kaboom. Have a good time. I mean, that’s how much it shook. It was like you jumped on the floor or fell over or something. Me dressed up as Mama from a What’s Eating Gilbert grape. That’s right. Yeah, exactly. I thought I was going to have to pull out some two befores and reinforce the floor. Come up here, Bob. So, yeah, very scary stuff happening. Halloween stuff. We’ll see now that I’ve mentioned. I haven’t talked. I’ve totally talked about it with my immediate family. That’s it. Yeah. I haven’t even told my brother. If he listens, he’ll find out. I’ve never even told him. Hey, what are you doing, man? Yeah. So, yeah. And I was debating whether or not to do it, but I thought, well. I’m glad you did, I think. I’m not sure. So.
You know, and I do miss my mom, so it’s very sad. Well, no, it is sad. She was a very nice lady. She was a super nice lady. Yeah. She was. But that’s, you know, I don’t know what else to say about it. It’s just very weird and strange and scary. Wow. Wow. Did I talk to the little boy that lives in your mouth? I think that’s what got Jeffrey Jones arrested. Yeah. Yeah.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

There we go. And Kim can’t talk. There’s a cookie over her microphone. I think if you… There’s a way to do that, and I’ll think about that. Oh, I had that problem last week. God damn it. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the show. This is Bob. The chair is not my son. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. What did you say? The chair is not my son. The chair is not my son. I don’t think that’s the lyric. The chair is not my son. Maybe it is. I don’t think it is. The chair is not my son. I think you’re a little off on your Michael Jackson tonight, Miles. That’s all I know. I don’t know any more words to that song. Okay. Well, that’s probably for the best for all of us, to be honest. So another week, Miles was just chastising me because I was playing sound effects as we were talking earlier tonight. And he doesn’t like my sound effects.
uh care to jump in on this i mean if you call yourself climaxing to the thing, yeah, I don’t like yourself spirit off kim so yeah so uh i’m trying to think of a story miles. So why don’t you go first this week? All right. So, um, I know, you know one i know you have a story. I do. Thanks for interrupting. But, yeah, I’d like to tell it if I could, if I don’t get interrupted again. You know, I was reading. Yeah. We have some reviews over on Apple Podcasts, and somebody wrote, there’s too many interruptions. Yeah. That was your wife. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead. Go right ahead. So, you know, I was displaced this summer you know the our shop was getting like uh remodeled and stuff, and i had to go work i got a at a nicer place for a little while. Well, now that the remodel is done isn’t your place nicer? Uh, well, yeah. It’s still, like, in a dog shit, you know area but yeah it’s but uh
And, you know, a lot of people, there’s a lot of confusion there. Like, Miles, where do you really work at? Do you work? You know, are you still employed? I mean, there’s a lot of confusion. Those are questions my mom asked you whenever she saw you. Yes, I know. Yes. Yes. She wanted to know if I was employed. She’d be like, Bob, does Miles really have a job? He doesn’t look like he works. And I go, I think he does. He keeps telling me he does. I work. I do work, yeah. Okay. And, uh, so, you know, I don’t know, people show up and they’re like, oh, I are, you know, ordered some stuff and it didn’t come in. And is it at your place? Is it at, you know, some other place or, you know, and, uh, it was kind of a goofy crew down there, you know, it’s really, really crazy, you know, uh, whacked out people, you know? Yeah. Did we ever talk about, uh, what happened to you while you were there?
Um, I don’t know if that’s public knowledge or not. That’s why I’ve only showed that video to a few people. Forget it. Yeah. I got, yeah, I got, uh, how do I put this? Uh, the ladies, the ladies that work there, we’re going to have a bachelorette party and they had bought a, uh, large, uh, squirt gun, I suppose, uh, and uh super soaker sort of yeah i was like the john holmes is uh squeaky and they tried it out on me for some reason. I ended up getting, like, the money shot with this thing, and, uh They actually videotaped this happening to me, but i will you had to be there to see the ha ha funny part of it, I suppose, what I did. I suppose. Yeah, I got up my eyes and my mouth, and i was just like anyway but uh
I don’t know that you needed to tell us where you got shot. Well, I hope it was water anyway. I don’t know what it was. So I was kind of a goofy crew down there, right? And I was like, okay, like, Those old fart, you know, shows up and he’s like, I need a bicycle chain. Where’s my bicycle chain? Okay. Me and bingo want to go for a ride, you know, me and bingo. I’m like, all right, all right. I’m going to go. It’s not here. Let me call this other location. Maybe it’s there. Cause everything’s all, you know? Right. Right. And, uh, so it’s like in a Friday, late Friday afternoon. And, uh, I call up and one of the women. uh, work there. I swear to God, she answers the phone. She goes, what’s up? Motherfucker. She answered the phone. Yes. And thank God I didn’t have this on speakerphone because that would be really hard to explain. Cause I told the old guy what I was doing. I’m like, I’m going to call this other shop, find your bicycle chain, you know, whatever. And yeah. Yeah.
This girl completely goes nuts. Oh, I guess she knew it was you, is what you’re telling me. Yeah, she didn’t call her ID. That part you didn’t mention. Well, I thought it was funny if I didn’t mention it. Yeah, she didn’t call her ID. I was not expecting her to yell that. I’m like, okay, hey, I’m on the phone right now. That’s interesting. Interesting. Sybil, I’m on the phone right now. Sybil. Don’t be yelling funny stuff to your old Uncle Miles. What’s up, motherfucker? I don’t think that’s on the approved list of ways to answer the phone at the business. I’ve never heard anyone at a business answer a phone like that. Domino’s, what’s up, motherfucker? Yeah, right? Yeah. Well, it turns out the boss and half the staff there just took off for cocktails or whatever the hell else early, I guess. I just heard a few other people. I’m like, oh, that’s nice. The boss loves to go out for cocktails there. How did you react with your old bicycle chain man standing there?
I’m like, well, hold on there, old man. Did you keep your composure or did you start laughing? Well, I might have let out a little bit of a, you know, hold on. Hold on. I got to sneeze. You know, I’m like, I had to play it off. Oh, okay. This crazy broad just didn’t yell out, hey, hello, motherfucker. That’s a little bit much, I’d say. Yeah, she’s like the youngest one there, too. So I was like, okay, well, this makes sense. Maybe that’s just the way the kids do it these days. I guess. I guess. I walk into Casey’s. Hey, motherfucker! Hey! Want a slice of pizza, motherfucker? They’re getting old. I’m going to throw them away. You want meat-normous, motherfucker? You know, I think I could live with that. Yeah. It would be like, you know,
Will’s got on that Marvel hat and we have the, uh, we have that many, uh, dimensions, right? So this would be the Samuel L. Jackson dimension where everybody just says motherfucker all the time. This is the same world. I just want to walk into like the post office, like some old broad, uh, Where’s the stamps, motherfucker? I think that’s the next Budweiser commercial. Yeah. Instead of what’s up. Instead of what’s up. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. I remember going to a nursing home to see my great grandmother. And I thought she was a nice woman until I saw her in her later years. He was like, where’s my motherfucking tapioca? Tapioca, motherfucker! Nobody liked her there. They were just waiting for her to die. After you spent your life waiting, you don’t have any patience for the good stuff. You guys ever eat tapioca? I don’t like tapioca.
I would not say get that tapioca away from me, motherfucker. Stick it up your ass. I’d be like, give me the morphine drip. Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. Motherfucking morphine. That’s my wife, yeah. That’s my wife’s hospital. Yeah, that’s my wife in the hospital, man. clicking that button. How many times can I push it? This is so good, motherfucker! Wow. That’s a little harsh. I’m sick! I’m sick of it. Motherfucker, I changed my diaper. So, what was your retort? Well, okay, so it’s, you know, it was found. It was found. They had it. Oh, you didn’t have a retort for the motherfucker? Hey, motherfucker? Yeah. Well, come on, man. I mean, you know. It wasn’t really the time. They’re like, hey, did you just say MF-er? Did you just? Did you go, nothing, father lover? I don’t know. I don’t know. I’m going to take you right over my knee and settle this. There you go. Yeah. So, all right. So the old guy’s like, oh, all right. I’ll see you later. Bye. He gets up. Yeah, he gets up. He’s getting up. He’s like.
I’m like, oh. What? He cracked a rat, man. He cracked a rat. He’s like, oh. He farted on the way out the door? Yes. Oh, my Lord. What? He was sitting down. He gets up. He’s like, oh. He’s like, oh. It’s like night stock at the supermarket or something. I’m like, I hope he didn’t shit his pants, man. Jesus. A turn too quick. Oopsie. He cracked a rat, man. Oh, my God. It’s like, unless both feet are planted, my butt crack opens up and lets everything out. I don’t know. Yeah. That’s weird. I’m about to shit my pants. I didn’t mean to do it. I was like, you know what? I don’t need to be here anymore. Oh, my God. That’s weird. So what did you do to that? Did you see anything to that? I’m like, oh, Lord. Yeah. What do you do? You got to, like, oh, it’s okay if you shit your pants. That’s all right. Just go ahead and, you know. It’s fine. It’s fine. That’s God’s way of telling you to get your life right because you’re going to see it. Oh, my God’s got it out for babies.
Yeah. They shit themselves all the time. Yeah, no, I don’t know. That’s why i don’t feel bad for them either. If you show them how to sit on the pot and they don’t want to listen, I’m like, oh, you must want to go to heaven early yeah yeah see we all are here because we know what to do. Hopefully all of us know. he hedged his bet on that one hopefully hopefully he’s like, I’m thinking miles may not know what to do you know i hear some wild shit from people, man. I don’t know. He might be the one who’s shitting himself. Just thinking. I had to verify this old lady’s address once. And she goes, well, yeah, I live there. I go, are you sure? She goes, yeah, that’s where we make our porn. I’m like, oh, girl. I’m like, I hope she’s joking. Please, God, let her be joking. Here’s my only fans page. Oh, I thought I was going to throw up when she told me that. I’m like, oh. God rest her soul. I don’t know what I’m doing.
Bob knows I’m an OnlyFans subscriber. Miles, I don’t know that you knew this, but you can actually get on OnlyFans for as little as $3. Yeah. Yeah, Will is an example of being able to. He’s proven it. He got on somebody’s page. Okay, it was a coworker, and she told us in the break room that And she gave us the link, and I was like, I always wanted to see what she looked like naked. So I went on there. So for $3, I got to watch her twerk buck naked and play with dildos all day. No shame in my game. $3. $3. i i think that that’s as little as only fans will allow you to charge. They’re like, if we go lower than this we we feel bad for you we’re gonna call your father. That’s right. So did you critique it? Hey, listen, I was watching that last night and, uh,
You got to resubscribe for the next month. I didn’t resubscribe. She got my whole $3 up out of me for that one month. She had like 150 videos. It was ridiculous. Oh my God. Every day. Look at me playing with myself again and twerking to a Little John song. I’m like… Yeah! I feel bad for them. We could never do that. We could never be like, hey, you want to watch me tell jokes for a month? But you know what? You gave Miles an idea. When he needs $3, he knows where to go now. That’s right. He’s like, any of you fine young things want to see me squeeze my sebaceous cysts? Yeah. You got to wait until it fills up though. Well, that’s why you got to capitalize on the, uh, when the time is right. Cause he, wait, it kind of solidifies. It’s like fibrous. You know, if you let it solidify a little bit, then you unleash it. It’s like, you know, it’s like, it sounds like an old man looking for a bike chain. Yeah. You want to see this scrotum?
The problem with Miles doing OnlyFans is there’s not a wide enough angle on the webcam. I don’t want to see my belly. I mean, you can’t. He has a bit of an issue where you can’t see the meat and potatoes in the same shot. I don’t know how he did that. Well, you’ve revealed this. You said you were in a hot tub, and you got out, and you were like Plastic Man. Yeah, well, it happens. So what? You lost a lot of elasticity in your lower body area. Yeah, it happens, man. I got my gold bond now. Yeah. I’m at that age now. I’m gold bonding it. What’s gold bond doing to your scrote? You get a little swampy down there. Not only do you got the elongation, you got the swamp sensation. Yeah. You got to get the gold bond going. Oh, my. Oh, Lord. I ain’t there yet. I just know I’ve been getting a lot of dick advertisements in my mail telling me, do you want to have a
better direction I’m like, ever since I turned 40, y’all think my dick don’t work? Like, I get plenty of Yeah. And I’m probably gonna take them up on it, because they probably know what they’re talking about. I’m like, alright, I need to get ahead of this problem. I would always I would be cautious with any unsolicited penis advice but that’s the thing, they got my name on the mail, so I’m like, They must know something. They’re always listening, you know. They’re probably the only fans people. Yeah, unfortunately, yeah, whenever you were perusing her 150 picks, you’re like, God, I can’t get it up. Thank you. This is not what I thought it was going to be. I cannot complete. I’m like, okay, give me my $20. $20.
because these magical pills is gonna make me peace in the bedroom. Oh my goodness. But I deal with women older than me, so they don’t want that. They want what i already can’t a 67 year old woman to sleep. That’s called manslaughter. Oh my goodness. So anything else happen in the office, Miles? Did we get to the end of your story? I’m sorry. That was the exciting climax as far as the old man farting and the young head monster talking about what’s up, MF-er. Well, that’s good. Yeah. Will, you want to do my story this week? Because I don’t have a story. Where’s your wheel at? Is your wheel handy? Keep it right over here. Okay. Will has got a wheel. Yeah. How about… There you go. Other way. I can’t see it. There you go. Spin it. Let’s see what it lands on here. I hope it lands on… Give me $20. Oh, fuck. I’m not talking about politics, Will. Oh, please, God. No. I got in trouble last time I talked about politics. Spin it again. Yeah. We’re going to leave it. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Your job. Job joke. A job joke. Any job you’ve ever had and something wanted to happen. A job joke. Do you have a job joke, Will, or am I going to come up with one here? Yeah, I’ll go first. I’ll go last. I am Black Sajak. I’ll go last. That’s right. You’re Black Sajak. That’s right. Oh, my goodness. A job joke? Something funny that ever happened at a job. Okay. I’m trying to think. It’s not that funny. It may be political in a way. A number of years ago, I go to a lot of conferences, and I was at a conference, and I don’t know if this is funny or just sad. This woman comes up to me, and she goes, there’s a bomb in the building. Hmm.
I’m a track star. So then, well, I can’t leave, right? So I’m like, what? And she goes, bomb. And then she just kind of walks away. And so then I’m like, what do you do? I mean, this is back. This has been a number of years ago, right? This was this was back just after Oklahoma City bombing. Oh, my God. Yeah. That’s run she looked innocent enough I mean she looked like like a young Sally Struthers. Oh! Or maybe she’s an older Sally Struthers. Yeah. It didn’t have to be funny. This is a weird story. And so the first thing I did when she said it was I looked outside for a cargo van. Because I thought, oh, it’s just like the Oklahoma City bombing.
So my boss comes by shortly after. I go, hey, this lady just told me there’s a bomb in the building. And he goes, what? And so he goes, oh, I’m sure it’s nothing. But let’s go. Don’t tell anyone. Let’s go talk to the hotel people. So we go to the front desk, you know, and believe it or not, this is a very nice hotel. They actually had security. And so then all these guys will walkie talkies show up at the front desk and they’re like, where is she? Where is she? I go, I don’t know. She walked down that way. And, uh, we went into a little bit of a, uh, security thing where, well, I got grilled because I’m the one who said, you know, I heard this lady say this, so I got the third degree. Right. They thought it was you. They thought it was me. Exactly.
And my boss was no help because the boss that I had at the time, he’s retired, but he was one of these people who would, if you’re in a bad conversation, he could just disappear. I mean, you’d be standing there and the next thing he’d know, he’d be like, so Bob, what are you working on? And then I started talking and the next thing I know, it’s just me and the other person that I don’t want to talk to. He was like Batman. He was like Batman. Yeah. He was like a ninja, right? So he kind of ninja it out while I was still getting grilled. And then, uh, they finally went back to look at the video. And they kept me at the front desk, oddly enough, but, uh, they, uh, went to look at the video and then they saw the lady talking to me on the video and then started running around looking for, but we didn’t leave. We didn’t leave. So that was a weird one. Kind of funny.
Kind of weird. It is funny because there were black people there. That building would have been empty. They said it was a what? There was some black people there, so it wasn’t totally, you know. It was a multicultural situation. I’m talking about we evacuated immediately. We didn’t tell anybody. I was told not to talk about it. I was told to shut up. And tell us what you know. Let it happen. Yeah. And so, yeah. So, yeah, that story is probably like, well, how long ago was the Oklahoma City thing? That’s probably 20. Have I ever told that story, Miles? I don’t know. It was totally weird. And the only good thing that happened is I got a hamburger for lunch. Oh, okay. Okay.
Yeah, like room service hamburger. They brought it to me because I had to fart around for a long time. Yes. So that was good. Now, what’s yours, Will? All right. It’s not my job. It’s my auntie’s job. Actually, I have an aunt. She worked at the Pentagon. And when 9-11 happened, she was late to work. So she missed all of the action. Oh, no. Seriously? Fortunately, yes. She worked in that building. Wow. So she wasn’t there when it got hit then. She called out with a headache. She’s like, you just don’t… Suspect number one. Holy crap. God told me to stay home. I’m like, that wine told you to stay home. Don’t play. Wilhelmina Charles, number one suspect of the Pentagon. Hell yeah. And I almost…
was another job thing? I almost joined the army and then 9-11 happened. I was 19. I took the test, the physical, everything. And then when i saw the planes hit that building, I said, oh, they ain’t playing um i’m a bitch because i ain’t ready to go fight this country. I just want it. A $20,000 signing bonus. You’re like, shit’s going down now. I’m not signing up. I’m like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m a peacetime recruit. I’m not a wartime recruit. I was going to put on a nice outfit and be fresh, but I was like, nope. A gun? No, I ain’t talking about it. You’re like, I’m only here for the signing bonus and the pussy. That’s it. Yeah. I didn’t mention that.
But yeah, I was like, what Middle East pussy is like? I was thinking the whole time. I was like, I’m going to fuck shit out these bitches. But yeah, didn’t go. So that’s probably for the best. All right, your turn, Miles. I farted in the lobby. No, there was an old guy used to come in. He used to come in on behalf of his son all the time. He’d always on a haggle, you know, like, ah, come on, come on, you know. Oh, my God. I’m not paying full price for these valve stems. Yeah, he’s like, ah, come on, it’s my son, you know, Jethro, you know, you got to give him a break, man. Like, I never met the son of this. It was just all the dad, you know, the dad’s always trying to weasel something, you know. And he’d always, like, come up with some weird shit, though, not related to anything. He goes, uh,
You know what? I know what he goes. I tried out for the 49ers once. I go, you tried out for the San Francisco 49ers. You’re about five feet tall and weigh about 250 pounds and you’re okay. He’s like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to run upstairs like Rocky and stuff and you wouldn’t believe it. And I’m like, uh, okay. I don’t know. I mean, this guy was pretty old, you know? I’m like you. All right. He goes, come here. He goes. He kind of, like, flexes his arm. He goes, I want you to feel my bicep. Oh, God. Did you really touch him? I go, listen, all right, a sail’s a sail. All right, listen. A sail’s a sail. Oh, my God. I go, okay, one finger won’t, you know, won’t hurt. So I take my finger. I go, wow, that’s pretty hard, dude. He’s like, yeah, huh? Okay, he’s not done. Now he pats himself in the belly.
Uh-oh. Go ahead. I go, go ahead, what? He goes, touch this. I’m like, oh. Oh, no. Did you guys have a little, did you guys fall in love? Yeah. Yeah, that’s hard, too. These balls are made of steel. Yeah, I know. I didn’t know where this was going. I go, okay, one more time, and I’m done, man. This is all right. I go, I stick out my finger again. I go, wow, you got abs of steel there. I go, yeah, yeah. Uh-oh. Please, God, let it end, man. This is getting weird. Did you show him your belly? Because you love to do that. No, I didn’t have anything to brag about. Have you got pants on? He was wearing a kilt. Nah, this guy was just crazy. He was a Scottish guy wearing a kilt. And he was a genius, too. He goes, you know what? He goes, I invented magnetic shoelaces. And I’m selling these to NASA.
Why would they need shoelaces on NASA? I don’t know. They invented Velcro, NASA did. That’s what they have Velcro. Oh, no, no. Well, he was trying to get them to get up by magnetic shoelaces. Velcro, shit. Got to have magnets. Get lower. Get on your knees, Miles. Look at this. Why don’t you fill these magnetic shoes? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, my God. I think that’s the end of the show right there when Miles gets his mouth full. Yeah. Get down there. Check me soon.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

We’ll see if this works here, Miles. Are you okay? Are you situated? Yeah, I’m in. Are you wearing your brace? My brace. Ah, Mr. Wilson. Ah, Mr. Heath. Hey everyone, this is Miles. What’s that from? Because I’m a tax man. Oh, okay. I’m not as familiar with that cut, I guess. Welcome everybody to Static Radio. Static Radio. Glad you’re all here. Hey. having some slight technical issues with miles and his microphone. I like this kind of party. But we’re all good now. Yeah. I’m still depressed, Miles. Yeah, I know. I just spent like 35 minutes talking to you, and it was like i wanted to start cutting myself again after listening to you. I’m like, oh, my God. I didn’t realize that i know i just started listening to you. I’m like, oh, my God. I just, oh. Okay.
Please, make it stop. I didn’t realize that you were a cutter originally. Which brings me to the third grade. Like, oh my God, this guy with the fucking Well, you know i don’t know about my friend i know i know i yes i know yes i’m not so i mean it was nice, but i’m not so sure about these celebrations of life. Have you been to one of these things? Uh, yeah, I guess. I’ve been to a few of them now because people aren’t as, um, religious, I guess you would say. Was it like, you know like uh uh some kind of hall or something like, uh, yeah, yeah. It was just like at your, like, you know, neighbor neighborhood. uh, like the W or something. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right. Oh, it wasn’t all like, Oh, let’s get in the St. Patrick’s cathedral here. No, no church at all. It was just to talk about our friend Roscoe here. Community thing. Well, um, yeah, community thing. So it was not, uh, I’m okay. I’d be all right. I’ve not been to something like that. No, but I mean, I’d be okay going to it. I don’t, I really stay away from stuff. I know I’m, I,
I really don’t like going, but I feel a sense of duty. I know. And I’m… Yeah. I’m a very… As anyone can attest, if they’ve listened to this show at all, I’m an extremely loyal friend. Because I’m still talking to you. It shows my loyalty. It knows no bounds. You could almost be a Bears fan because you’ve been through so much suffering with me. Bears, Cubs, Sox, whatever. He’s such a loser. I should just cut this guy loose. I know it. I didn’t say you were a loser. You’ve caused me constant grief for a long time, but I still am here. I have this extreme loyalty and sense of duty. And so I went, even though no one went with me. Yeah. My wife’s like, I’m not going. I’ve got other things to do. I don’t know. Thanks. Thanks, toots. You got to do my hair. So, no, there was other things, cooking. So I go, and I walk in. I’m generally early.
But because it was out of town and I had to drive in and so forth, I was about like five minutes after it started. What a shame. But, yeah, which, yeah. Well, you would think that, I mean, there was nothing. There was no ceremony. There was no, you know, kind of service or anything. So it wasn’t like I was late because people came and went. you know, over the course of hours. So there was a little bit of a, of a, you know, eulogy kind of a situation, but that wasn’t for another hour after I got there. So I get there and I walk in and I’m like, fuck, I don’t know anybody. That’s my fear. That is my fear. I’d be like, I’m looking around and I’m like, I’m like, I mean, cause I’m also,
impulsively early. I’m like, I’m five minutes late did already everybody already come in and leave? Where’s my friend, you know, Chinook from high school? I don’t see him, man. Well, and so i knew, I knew one person because i talked to him was going to be there and he was local and, and he wasn’t even there yet. And I’m like, okay, maybe i’m just early, which is normal for me. And so, I did know family and so I proceeded to go and talk to siblings and so forth and express my grief and sorrow for their loss. So then the next thing I know, there’s a guy I went to high school with that I’m really not that fond of. i’ve never been super i mean, he’s not a bad person or a mean person or a terrible person or anything. It’s just not it’s just one of those people i’m like you know, I don’t He wasn’t one of your crew. No, he was he was ancillary now people i hung out with would hang out with him, but i was not one of those people. Oh, I see. Yeah.
Because, and I’ll just be honest, he’s a boar. You ever experience a boar? Boar the boar. Boar ploy. Well, he’s a cornfield boar, so it’s not quite like that. Yeah, I’ve talked to boring people. I just talked to one about half an hour ago. You’re talking to one right now, you son of a bitch. So anyway, he comes up. and, you know, corrals me. Hey, Bob, how are you? I’m like, hey. Hi, I’m jumping with her. Coming right up. Yeah. I’m like, hey. He’s like, oh, you just get here? I’m literally in the doorway. Yeah? Yeah. And he’s like, well, I’m over here. My wife’s over here. Oh, I’m not. We’re all over here. And I go, okay, give me… I guess where I’m not going to be. Yeah. Well, no, I ended up going over. Give me a minute. Let me talk to some family and then I’ll make my way over there. So then I I spied another person who I knew from high school who was sitting down close to that. So I sat across from him and next to this woman. Right. And I sat down there and I’m like, hey, Brad, how’s it going, man? And oh, my gosh, you talk about.
I mean, I was sad, but I wasn’t like… My name’s not Brad. Glum. So, no, I go, Brad, this guy is so dour. I think for a little while, I thought, did I do something to him? Because, man, this guy was giving me a look like, you know… You know, you got a lot of nerves showing up. Right. It was like, I was like, hey, how’s it going? I haven’t seen you in like 30 years. You shouldn’t have come back to Salem, all right? I’m telling you right now. This guy was giving me the worst look, and I was racking my brain trying to figure out, what did I do to him? I’m like, the funny thing was that I know my friend who passed away, Mark, and I used to tease him a lot. Oh, okay. But I don’t think that he was that mad about it.
Well… And so, I mean, I sat by the guy for a good half an hour. Yeah. And I was like, wow. So then I’m like, I don’t know what… He’s like, I’m retired. And I’m like, wow, you’re retired. Fantastic. But he never got any happier. The whole time I talked to him, never happier. I could never figure out if it was me. But… Here’s the thing. This is the thing that you’re going to be interested in is he works at an arcade in Central Illinois. After he retired, he took a part-time job. It’s a different one than the one you and I went to in McLean. Okay. And so I’m like, hey, I love an arcade. I’m going to have to tell Miles that we got a new place to hit up sometime here, you know.
Hey, you think we can get some free games? And then he kind of chippered up a little bit. He’s like, yeah, you guys should come by. I go, oh, I love the old arcade. He’s like, yeah, it’s got all these games. He’s like, the guy who owns the pharmacy built it because he wanted to have something else in the area for people to hang out. Does it have AstroTip? Uh, no, this is a real, like, this is not your, Oh, okay. Not that dirty game. That’s not that dirty game you sent me yeah okay yeah oh i think yoder gave me that. Yeah. Sure. Um, so then, so then he cheered up and i’m like, okay, maybe he’s not mad at me. Maybe he’s really, really sad because you know, it was, they were good friends and and so yeah yeah and the other thing was my son, when i get home,
my son’s asking me, you know, who’d you see and who’d you talk to? And I’m, I’m describing them like, yeah, I saw Brad and he was really glum and everything. And I go, maybe I go, it’s kind of weird because my son’s like, why? I go, I go, because, uh, when we were in high school, like his late in his junior year, his parents abandoned him. Oh my God. You know the weirdest freaking people, I swear to God. The parents, like, took off and got jobs in some other state. Yeah. And left the kids there by themselves to graduate the next year. Ah, they’re old enough. Well, and they both had to have jobs because they were paying utilities and things. Oh, my God. Yeah, so Brad was this poor working class senior. Yeah.
Yeah, and my son’s like, what? I’m like, yeah. I can’t remember why, but they just left him there. Oh, my God. That’s terrible. Because Mark and I used to go over all the time because there was a place to go because there’s no adults. Oh, my God. Party, man. Well, there was a lot of that, right? And that’s where we teased him and everything. So he’s like, that’s so strange that these people – I go – You know, I never really thought about it. Maybe that’s why he’s so glum. His parents abandoned him. Yeah. That’s kind of weird. Nowadays, I don’t know if that would fly very well. Yeah, it was. Yeah, he worked at Rack’s Roast Beef. I remember that. Because there would always be Rack’s Roast Beef stuff all over the place. Sounds like something Scooby-Doo would be talking about. Rack’s Roast Beef. But anyway…
I’ll wrap up with my little adventure. But anyway, so I’m sitting next to this lady. I mean, again, he was the only person I recognized other than the dude that caught me at the door. And I’m like, I am sitting next to her and talking to Brad. And I go, I probably know who this is. But I cannot place anybody. And so I spent a lot of time going, introducing myself. Hey, I’m Bob Lament. I went to high school with Mark. And she’s like, my name’s Bev. Don’t you remember me? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I must’ve done that to like four or five people. I’m a horrible person. I’m not hearing you, Miles, by the way. If you’re hearing me, I’m not hearing you. So you can jump off and jump back on if you need to. Hello? Oh, there you are. You were radio silence there for a little bit. No, I didn’t want to. Did you hear what I said about the person I was speaking to? No, I can hear you. I can hear you. It’s just this stupid phone. That’s why I didn’t want to do it this way. Yeah.
Okay, well, anyway, I had to reintroduce myself to people because I had no fucking clue who they were, and then they would say their name, and I’m like, oh, yeah. I remember you. You looked young. Did we have sex at McDonald’s or an Iraq quarry? I can’t remember. Yeah, no, I don’t think that, yeah, she and I were never, yeah. Hey, you’re the guy that zipped up his own dick with a zipper. Oh, shit. I remember she was at that. in you either, but. Yeah. But no, so yeah, I felt so bad because i did not recognize anybody hardly, you know so yeah it was. That’s, yeah, see, that’s why i wouldn’t go i’m not gonna go unfortunately this other one guy, he comes up, he was talking to my brother and i couldn’t place him.
And then he comes up to me and he’s like, hey, I’m Terry. You remember me? And I’m like, oh yeah, I remember you, Terry. He lived around the corner. And then his wife and I’m like, oh my God, his wife looked like an alcoholic who’d been run over by a car or something. It was just horrible. Remember me? Well, the funny thing was I went to college with her for a little while and yeah, and I knew her and I recognized her, but God, She looked really rough and hilarious. Then my brother, a little bit later on, my brother goes, did you see Terry? I go, yeah. He goes, his wife looks pretty damn rough, doesn’t she? And you’re like, oh, no, she looked good. I noticed. I figured you’d be all like, no, I didn’t notice. No, we were by ourselves at that point. So, yeah, I was like, yep.
So yeah, she looked, she basically, oddly enough, she looked like she could have been an ensemble player and absolutely fabulous. So she looked like she was, she looked like she was drunk while she was there. For all I know, she was drunk. I don’t know. Right. Right. But, but yeah, I spent, I spent an afternoon being, I mean, I’m already an uncomfortable person in the public. And so I was incredibly uncomfortable trying to do my best to, uh, you know, be normal, but having so many problems, you know i i’m sure that we know each other, but i can’t place you you know you’re like the guy from uh what resident alien or something, you know that’s some bullshit yeah that’s some bullshit yeah so but anyway i it was just such a uh
Eye-opening experience. People only knew the weirdo underneath, the disguise. They’d be like, oh, sure. He is a blue alien. It was pretty weird there because they kind of seemed to know who I was. But that’s the norm, right? I mean, I’ve lived my whole life like that. Yeah. I meet people, and then two months later, I see them again. I can’t recall. Remember me? Yeah, I’m like, huh? You said I was beautiful, remember me? I don’t recall that. No, I don’t think I do. So anyway, I’m hoping… Don’t die on me, Miles. Please, I don’t want to have to go through this again. Well, I can’t promise that. Do your best. If I go before you… I release you from going to any sort of visitation or sending a card or anything. I release you. No, I’ll do my duty. I release you. I release you. I’m publicly releasing you now. The last show will be me complaining about you mercilessly after you’re gone. Yeah. Or vice versa. My brother will have to take my place in the show from here on out, though.
I was never talking to your brother. Well, who’s this again? Yeah. I’ve talked to him once and he thought we were related and I’m like, yeah, really? Who is it? I mean, look, I mean, just the nose size difference would give it away. Christ. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Alone. The other, you know, features. Yeah. Yeah. Of your face. Our faces don’t look anything alike. No. We’re like, yeah, really opposite features here. Oh, yeah. Yeah. So anyway, what’s going on with you, sir? Well, I, man, I don’t know if I should go on this long story about going to this horror fest. No, no, go ahead. Jump into it. Okay. Hey, just in case I fall off, it’s just a stupid phone. So just start yelling that you cannot hear me. I will.
Immediately, yes. I will immediately say something. I have to move this phone every so many seconds, otherwise it thinks I’m not there. Okay. So there was a horror fest I traveled to this weekend. I wanted to come up to that, to be honest with you. I felt the sense of duty I felt was to go to… No, you did the right thing. You didn’t… You did the right thing. Okay. But it Basically, it featured about half the cast of Bright Night, the old 80s horror film where there’s a vampire next to me and that kind of thing. Yeah, it was great. They enlist the old horror host, Roddy McDowell, which I’m a big Roddy McDowell fan. Yeah, Planet of the Apes. apes and everything. He’s just a cool dude. Erotic art collection and everything i don’t know about, he’s deceased now, so i could not ask him. Go ahead. And, uh, so it was, uh, I got there. It was very easy to get to. It was a nice location. Uh, it’s moved now. It’s in a different, uh, more accessible location now. But, uh, Yeah. I got there and, uh, in the distance, there’s like, uh,
three or four guests there, you know? And I’m like, oh, okay. So I’m like, well, I’ll just, yeah, I’m heading that way, but I’m going to stop, you know, cause there’s all these vendors and I’m just kind of taking a quick peek, you know? Yeah. Okay. You know, all this, you know, stickers and, you know, there’s all this stuff. People sell this amazing stickers, you know, you know, no, it’s all, it’s all the same stuff basically. So I’m like a fool. I took my time. Cause I get up there where the guests are. They’ve all gone to lunch. Oh, well, because you were late probably, weren’t you? I’m like, what the fuck? No, I mean, this went on all day. This is like an all-day thing. Okay, so you can come anytime you want is what you’re saying. Yeah, no, yeah. Just coincidentally, they’re like, oh, yeah, they just left to get lunch. They’ll be back in like 20 minutes. I’m like, oh. I’ll go there. No, just they were like in this facility. Oh, they got box lunches or something terrible. Yeah, right. I’m like, oh.
I have ADD. I hate waiting around. Where are they? I wanted to be frightened. Evil Ed, come back, Evil Ed. No, but so Marlena Midnight was there, though. The local horror host. Yes, and she’s expanded now into Southern Illinois. I know. I think that’s fantastic. I think that she deserves it. She does, and she’s looking great because she has not appeared since before COVID. I was actually at her very last appearance. Well, she had an accident too, right? That was prior to that, I think. She has had some health issues, I think, but she has bounced back. But it was very nice to see her again, and I talked to her just so briefly, but I did buy some products. She’s friends with, I think his name is David DeGaris, who’s…
a character actor in a lot of movies these days he was in that well he was in um what was that called oh shoot i’m gonna blank on it. But anyway, he’s been in a lot of movies. He looks kind of weird. He was a horror, a local horror host that went out to los angeles and has made it in the movies. Oh, is that that one guy? uh it’s kind of weird, yeah. Yeah, she kind of teamed up with this one dude for a little while. He had, like, really long fangs and kind of like a little bob wig or something. Yeah, he wore a wig, yeah. Professor something. I don’t know what it was called. Yeah, yeah. That’s the guy. He’s been in, like, in some DC movies. And he was in Ant-Man, the first Ant-Man movie. I did not see the first Ant-Man movie. Anyway, he’s been in a bunch of stuff lately. Oh, okay. No, I didn’t know that. Midnight with the Devil, I think it was a call. Or Late Night with the Devil.
about that if you ever watch that movie, it’s pretty good movie, actually, where he’s like a talk show host and things right yeah it was great. It was a great movie no yeah oh yeah so anyway keep going i’m sorry although i just i talked her ear off because i’m trying to kill time because i’m waiting for like, you know you let you talk your ear off because you’re a good looking young lady that i can stand here next to oh i thought you’re gonna say i was a good looking No, definitely. Yeah, it’s the other way around. No, her better half was there. Blake was there. So, yes. He probably was about ready to punch you. Yeah, because I was wrapping it up. I’m like, you know what? I sound like a complete stalker because I’m mentioning everything I’ve seen on her page in the last five years. Oh, I see you shop at Kmart, too. Wow.
I love those boots. I thought about getting some. Thank you. At the end, she had to be thinking like, this dude knows way too much about me. You’re not just like me. Could I have a lock of hair, please? Just a little lock of hair. I need to do a bit of a spell, but I need a lock of hair first. Yeah. I just felt like a complete stalker. I’m like, I got to get out of here. I’m out, man. I’m done. Were you wearing a shirt that fit? I was, yes. I was wearing a shirt. I can’t say what it was, but yes, I was wearing a shirt that fit. I found a muumuu that I could wear. A picture of her getting her mail. That would be hilarious. Yeah. Her looking around, getting her mail, hoping no one’s watching. Here I am in my car. Here in my car. I’m a regular Jim Rockford. Yeah.
You know, I don’t know what you got those peaches for. You should have went over to that other store. They were a lot cheaper over there. That’s right. You get a lot of Amazon packages. You know, I was kind of looking through them, and I want to say that, yeah, I don’t know. I just like, I got to leave. I got to go. I got to go. Yeah. I did buy some merch. I bought some merch. Oh, did you get a T-shirt or something or what? Yeah, uh, yeah, t-shirt and, uh, signed auto, which i paid money for, so don’t be like, oh. Well, you get some free stuff. It wasn’t working. Did you get free stuff? Yeah, free stuff and then uh so okay so i wrapped it up i go to, is it William? oh Yes, yes, he is the first one back, and he’s got, like, some cowboy mustache going on. I’m like, hey, all right, hey, what’s going on and
And, uh, I did not, I talked to him for a little bit. I didn’t want to, you know, come off like a weirdo, which I already was. You already did over the other. Yeah. Like I’ve already blown my weirdo angles. You know, you were, he, he was not a woman. And so you weren’t really that interested in him. Yeah, that’s true. Yeah. It’s like, well, he’s been in a movie that you’ve seen and that’s the end of it. Yeah, pretty much. No, I go, well, You know, I’m like, okay, let’s get a picture, and I’ll get an autograph and all that stuff. I go, oh, man, all you Hollywood guys are so freaking skinny, and here I am going to have to suck it up now. Man, Jesus. Was he super skinny or something? Well, I mean, come on. When you live out there in movies, I mean, you’ve got to be, you know, you can’t be looking like me walking around, you know. You can’t look like Louis Anderson walking around. There’s only so many, like, you know.
parts like a john candy type of guy walking around there’s only so many parts for that you know no he was cool i go hey just tell me roddy mcdowell was cool some big rod mcdowell he was yes he was very cool and all that uh i go hey i go okay this is good this is a weird question i go but have you ever been mistaken for the guy from gremlins he goes oh all the time all the time zach what was his name? Zach uh Yeah, Zach. But he goes, no, he goes, we were actually at a signing together. We were sitting right by each other. Really? Oh, really? He goes, oh, yeah, no, he’s a cool dude. Yeah, he goes, but yeah, people do confuse us from time to time. They got dark hair and they look alike. Back in the day, I mean, I don’t know what the other guy looks like now, but back in the day, they kind of had that look, you know, the same look. They had a certain look to them, yeah. Yeah. And then I went over and met with, is it Joffrey? Yeah.
Galligan? Was his name zach Galligan, I think? Uh, yeah, that sounds right, yeah. That sounds right. Zach Galligan, and then i met with evil Ed. Hey, Miles! Uh, Joffrey. Yeah, this guy, I don’t know. No, he was not doing that whole bit, man. This dude is like, I don’t want to be mean. I’m just not going to go into it i won’t i told you to look at his imdb page before you went to me i did I did. Did you notice anything about it? No. Okay. Why? He has been in some adult movies. Oh, I didn’t see that part. Of a same gender persuasion. Oh, okay. And they’re in his IMDB listing. Oh, I didn’t know. I guess I didn’t. Maybe I went to his wiki page. So boys being boys just seemed like a regular title to you whenever you were. Hey, my friend. Point this out to me. I just want to know. How did that work out for you? On another podcast, because you know I don’t like to talk about this with you because you get so mad. I reviewed Fright Night.
for another podcast and as part of my research i was reading everybody’s imdb pages you know i’m so glad i didn’t now i’m still reading his and i’m like and this was after fright night yeah yeah yeah not too long after it yeah and so yeah i was like i yeah I’m glad I didn’t now because I think that would have really changed the whole experience for me. Miles, you look familiar. Do we work together? I bet you rented every one of my movies. I bet. You closeted jerk. I’m doing a retrospective. Yeah. Yeah, so anyway, he was in some gay porn movies. Oh, okay. I don’t know. And I was hoping – I didn’t want to say that to you ahead of time. I wanted you to discover it. No, I looked at his wiki page. I didn’t really see anything that really stood out. I’m like, okay, yeah, okay. So Evil Ed was – he was not your kind of guy is what you’re saying? I don’t – I don’t know. I don’t want to get sued. It looked like he came off a bender or something. I don’t know. Well, he’s Evil Ed. I don’t know. He seemed – huh? He’s Evil Ed, of course. Yeah, no, yeah, I think –
He looked like he was not prepared to be out in the daylight or something. I don’t know. He was in a movie called Fraternity Vacation as well earlier than Fright Night. And boys will be boys. And then, yeah, later ones were a little bit more suspect. Oh, I’m glad I didn’t ask him about that. Darn it. I was hoping you would look that up. Oh, my friend Bob wanted me to ask. Because you never do anything. Bob wanted me to know if you were a bottom or the top. And so then I met the final, Amanda Beers, met her. Amanda Beers, married with children. She’s a director. She directs. Yeah, no. Yeah, we had a nice talk. No, we had a nice, we didn’t talk long. I mean, if William was cool, what was Amanda? No, I enjoyed our time together. Yeah, no, she was very nice. I’m so glad we had this time.
No, she helped me pick out an eight by 10. She goes, here, get this one. Get this. I think you’d like this. Yeah. And I said, okay. I think you would be, you, even though Amanda Beers is, is a, you know, well, um, you know, she’s been out for quite some time. Right. So, but even still, yeah, I think you’d be much more chummy with her than any of the rest of them. Yeah. Hey, if you can appeal to both men and women, um, You know, hey, that’s kind of a compliment, I think. She was certainly in Friday Night. She was a cutie. Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t care. Whatever, you know, play the cards you got. I don’t care. Yeah. No, all good. Yeah. And then obviously she’s very talented. No, she’s very talented. I go, I love Married with Children. And I go, I’m just a little bit older than Christina, you know. So she goes, oh, you watched from the very beginning. I go, yes, I did. Oh, yes, I did. Yeah, well, you did.
I didn’t say why I watched, but yes. Yeah, you did. I’m a little older than Christina. That’s what you watched for. I probably would have been in jail, matter of fact. And we talked about Fright Night a little bit, and I go, I liked it. That’s the kind of movie I like. It was entertaining. It was fun. I go, I just cannot watch movies where people are realistically being chopped up and tortured and all that. I agree. He goes, I agree. I go, I would just say. It’s kind of campy in a way. Yeah, that’s good. You’re just used to that. I’m like, okay, I like that. I don’t like, I don’t know. Like the Saw movies. Chris Sarandon was the vampire. He was great. Oh, I asked about that. I was talking to William. I go, doesn’t he usually play a bad guy? Because I don’t know all his filmography.
He goes, well, no, he can play the good guy’s bad guy. He goes, well, he did play Jesus. I go, well. He goes, I don’t know how you feel about that. But I’m like, oh, no, I’m down with JC, man. I’m down. Oh, OK. Well, there you go. I’m down with it. I’m down with it. And so anyway, just to wrap this up, because we’ve been going along here real quickly. But I thought you might get a kick out of this. So I told you I went to a thing like this a few years ago. They were selling oddities and stuff. Oh, yeah. What did you find this time? Christ. Okay, so that time, a few years ago, there was a guy that had a bunch of stuff pickled in the jars, and in a jar was a cat’s head, and i took its picture, and you were all yeah like don’t ever send that to me, which i did, just because i thought i was dying once an asshole, you know. I’m an asshole, right? Anyway, I find another booth just like this right but there’s no there’s no one there. There’s no one there, and, like, all this stuff i don’t is
What is that? I don’t know. Is it resin or whatever it is? You put like the animals or like insects and it hardens. It’s clear. Amber. You know what I’m saying? I don’t know. Resin. I don’t know what it’s called. But anyway, so that happens. And this guy finally shows up like, oh, hey. And I go, hey, I’m going to tell you a story about something in Chicago. I saw a booth just like this. I’m going to blow your mind, right? Yeah, right. He goes, that was me. He goes, yeah. Yeah, no, he’s like this hippie looking dude he goes yeah lay it on me and what do you got? I go, and as i did that, I looked up on the shelf. What do i see? What? Not one, but two cat’s heads in jars that’s what did you say then? You’re like, wait a minute. I go, I was about ready to blow your mind with this cat head story, and lo and behold, you just blew my mind with
And he starts going to this story about, well, it was really my girlfriend’s cat or something like, you know what? I, I just tuned it off from there. I just like totally blanked out. Like, you know, like a soldier that’s in a war movie and an explosion goes by him and I still got it. And I still, Oh God, I’m sorry, man. I don’t like to get down on people or this or that, but I might, I mean, you’re just, You’re one step away from a serial killer. I’m sorry, man. You buy stuff. I concur. I concur. There’s no way. If no one said that was a gift, I’d be like, no, get the F out. In Arizona, I bought a scorpion encased in amber, I think. Oddly enough, I’m okay with that. Oddly enough, I’m okay with that. For some reason, it does not seem as bad as a pickled cat’s head. There’s something about a pickled toucan.
One was like an orange and white cat, and one was kind of like a darker cat. Did you take pictures? No, I did not. Because this one, it’s almost like it had a neck, too. It wasn’t just his head, like his neck, too. Oh, geez, part of the spine. I go, who in the hell? You know? Yeah, I know. And you say, hey, Amanda, look over here. Yeah, I go, you know, this place in Chicago, they were also selling human bones. He goes, oh, well, that is kind of legal, actually. Yeah, you can do that. Well, you remember, I used to handle human bones back in college, remember? Yeah. No, I guess you can. I guess there’s only four states where you can’t sell human bones, I guess, or something. He’s like, oh, yeah, you can, yeah. Which I wouldn’t buy either. Like, gotten by, you know, Jeffrey Dahmer could have had a store. Yeah, I went to…
I went to Cahokia or whatever. I would not buy that either because that’s bad juju, man. There’s no way. I think the cat was bad juju myself. Yeah, I think the cat’s head or human bones, which this guy did not have at the time. I don’t even think I’d do the scorpion thing again, to be honest with you. Yeah, I think I had one. Actually, I know I had one at one time. It was a scorpion sucker. That was it. Yeah, yeah. think i gave it to a friend at work. Yeah. So there you go. So that was my going to eat it, unfortunately. Yeah, I’d throw it away like nope it’s set on set in a windowsill for a long time nope nope so all in all is good how much did you spend? uh Marlena Midnight, how much?
I can’t really go into say. I can’t really. Why not? There’s my wife right across the room here. I’m not sure. Okay, so Marley and Midnight, $40. Just say yes or no. I spent over a C note. Really? Yes. Well, I mean, that’s a lot of people. I mean, you know. Yeah, yeah. One, two, three, four, you know, celebrities. Yeah. with pictures, right? I spent too much, but where we live, there’s like very few celebrities that come in. I mean, you don’t really get a lot of, I mean, you got to live in a certain, like the bigger towns, maybe they’re like Des Moines and Quad Cities, you know, but you know, everywhere else, it’s like, very slim pickings. Yeah. Well, that’s nice. I bet, to me, the big get out of that, I mean, Marlena Midnight was a big get, but that’s local.
But Amanda Bierce, I would be, yeah, that’s a good one. Yeah, just, you know, I just, Married with Children. I’m sorry. I love that show, man. I used to watch it all the time. Basically, it built Fox television network at the time. I was not going to say this, but I know she had a huge falling out with Ed O’Neill. Ed O’Neill, yeah. Which I was not going to mention at all. No, she was really cool. Everyone was really cool. Uh, you know the handler that all of them have a handler or no? No, it’s just like local volunteers. Oh, okay. I didn’t i was just curious and uh yeah i’m trying to get my picture taken with amanda and like uh helpers like, well, I’ll just, well, obviously we have to use your phone sir i’m like yeah okay good luck uh huh here’s my pink phone. Yeah, she’s like your this screen is awful sticky it’s all sticky he goes what’s what’s your
I don’t know your code to get in your phone. It’s like these dots. I don’t either. I go, I don’t know. I go, you’re the mathematician wizard. You figure it out. I don’t know how to use it either. No, but no, everyone was cool. I could say, you know, people want you to buy stuff. And I’m like, I don’t know. Yeah. Buy my book. I go, I quit reading. I don’t read anymore. I don’t know how to read anymore. I lost the ability. I get tired. I start reading. I fall asleep. I’m like, I do. That’s funny. It’s hard to read with my mask on for my CPAP machine. Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much. Yeah. But yeah, that’s the kookiness, which is my life. You’re like, honey, I’m your dirty uncle.
Yeah, right? Yeah. So you were interested in going to that, really? No kidding. Well, I thought about it. I did. Most times I mention stuff, you’re like, no, no. I mean, they just had a big one down here, GalaxyCon, across the river here. Yeah. But, I mean, those are all so expensive. I mean, the places that you go, the cornfields are so much cheaper. Yeah. Yeah. And then every once in a while they get a good person in, you know, so. Right. Right. Yeah. I probably, I probably would have just bummed around and watched you spend money. Yeah. I’d be like i’m gonna be judgmental the whole time. I’d be like, I’m not paying for that. Come on. This is why he can’t go on three family vacations like i just did. That’s right. That’s right. Yeah. The guy who sits in judgment of me, like. I’m not judging you. Ask. You are.
you are you’re judging yes you judge that’s not where i want to i don’t want to yes yes you get all judgmental you’re like no must be nice. you weren’t football players well football players make sense i mean although that’s the football players make total sense. The gay porn stars, not so much. Hey, how many times do i meet pseudo gay porn star you know i don’t know. I mean, I know you, I guess. Probably all the time. I don’t know. I don’t know. Well, I’m glad you went. I’m glad you had a good time. No, I enjoyed it. I’m really glad that you got to meet Amanda Beers. Yeah, pretty cool.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

recording is on I can’t believe it Hey, everyone. This is Bob’s friend, Miles. Are you? Are you my friend? Yeah. Bye, Brian. I’m Brian. He’s like Harpo Marks. What’s that? He’s like Harpo Marks or something. He’s like Harpo Marks. Oh, he’s staying. Oh, okay. He was going to… It’s the opposite day. He’s doing the opposite. That’s all right. That’s why I like our guests. Quiet, yes. Our audience of one, Brian. Brian. So, Miles, I hate to be bringing the show down from the start, but I have to. Okay. And I’m hoping this will eventually be funny, but it’s going to be pretty sad when I say this. And it’s actually going to be very, very sad for you. But, I mean, it’s very sad for me, but it’s going to be really sad for you. Listen, if you’ve got some tumor or some shit, I don’t want to hear this, man. No, I don’t have a tumor. There’s something on your balls or something. I don’t want to hear it, man. You can save it. No. No.
Did your house burn down again? I didn’t say it was sad for me, not sad like… Your house didn’t burn down again, did it? No, my house didn’t burn down. Thank goodness. What were you holding there, Brian? I didn’t see that. Was that a cup? Oh, my gosh. No. I may cry, so who knows? You may have to just do the rest of the show. Oh, my God. No, I can’t. Come on, man. You can’t set this up like this. I may. I may just drop out. Oh, no. Come on. I’m serious. This is a total serious statement. Maybe go with a different topic. I’m just saying, you know, hey. No, no. I’ve committed myself to doing this. I think it’s the right thing to do. Everyone, I’m sorry right now. I cannot control this. So I have no idea what this is about to happen. My friend, Mark. Yeah.
Has passed away. He died. What? I told you it was going to be very sad for you. Oh, wow. This is… Okay, I don’t want to bring this up, but is this the guy that was shirtless when I went to your apartment that one time? Yes. That Mark. Well, I’ve not seen this gentleman but once, and he made quite an impression. Well, and I’ve known him pretty much my whole life. Right, right. Well, I’m sorry, Bob. I’m sorry, man. Well, I’m not really looking for sympathy. I’m trying to do something. What do you want me to make jokes about the dead guy? I mean, what do you want? Do I show sympathy or make jokes about a dead guy? I mean, what do you want? I don’t know. No, I don’t want you to make jokes about a dead guy. No, I just – it really is one of those weird –
life experiences to have someone who is your contemporary. Yeah. I went to school. I went to school since first grade with this guy. And then he’s my friend, you know, beyond during that time. And then beyond that time, now I, we don’t live in the same town. I haven’t lived in the same town for quite some time. Right. So I was more friends with him during school. And then just after school, um, And then I moved away, and so you kind of get distant and what have you. Yeah. But he was a character and a half, right? Yeah. And Miles knows because he was a rather large person. Yes. And even in the wintertime, he would not have his shirt fully buttoned. I don’t remember what time of year I saw this gentleman, but yes, his shirt was completely undone. I don’t know if I saw his areole, but maybe, I don’t know. I was trying to avert my eyes at that point. He was very comfortable with his body. Yes, he was. And to be fair and to be honest, although you may disagree with me,
He wasn’t an ugly, he didn’t have an ugly body. I mean, he was large, but he wasn’t like… I mean, you with your shirt open is disgusting. Well, I have a scar from my sternum down to my belly button, so yeah, that is not completely sexy, no. Have you ever seen the movie Crash? No. Maybe you should watch it. Maybe you’ll feel like you are sexy if you watch that movie. But, I mean, he was always very tan. Yes, he was dark, as I recall, yes. I mean, like, you know, very evenly, you know, kind of George Hamilton kind of tan, if you know who George Hamilton is. Yeah. And, you know, he was obviously very comfortable with himself. He kind of looked like Hillbilly Jim from pro wrestling, I guess, if you’re into pro wrestling. Yeah, when you saw him, I think he did have facial hair.
Yes, he definitely had facial hair, yes. Yeah, I grew up with him. He didn’t have facial hair when he was younger. Like you guys were opposites. You were kind of the twink with no hair. And he was kind of like the bear with like a lot of hair. Okay, yes. Well, I’m just saying. That’s a fair assessment. It’s a fair assessment. I’m just saying. Okay, I’m sorry. But I thought it would be nice tonight to tell a few funny stories about my good friend Mark. And, you know, I miss him. I’m going to miss him a lot. I mean, I didn’t get to see him as much, you know, in my later adult years, you know, here than I did when I was younger. But, I mean, we had a lot of good times. And so, you know, it’s very sad. It’s extremely sad. I have no idea how or why he died at this point yet. Because, I mean, I just found out about it like less than a week ago. Yeah.
But because he had such an impact on you, having only met you once. Right. I think, yeah, just once. And then, you know, and the fact that you were in disapproval of his lifestyle. I just thought it was a little odd, okay, that I would come over to your house and a gentleman would be half-nude. in your living room and you’re like totally okay with like, oh yeah, that’s just the way he chills out, you know? Yeah. Well, whenever you grow up with that, it does, you know, it makes more sense. Me and my friends never got undressed in front of each other. I’m going to be honest with you. Really? No. Yeah. No, never. Ever? No. Not for money. Not for money. It wouldn’t do it. I can actually think of several occasions where I was undressed in front of my friends.
Honestly. Wow. Huh? Oh yeah. At least half a dozen. You know, I think I know all the chapters out of Bob Lament’s book and yet the more I probe, like there’s more, like there’s more chapters. Oh yeah. Yet to be read. I’m like, Holy cow, this guy’s. Yeah. Or at least not fully clothed. I wouldn’t say totally unclothed, but definitely, well, there’s been some totally unclothed and some, Yeah. Oddly enough, never with Mark. Did you wrestle in your underwear as young men? Brian, you’re killing me, Brian. Brian, you’re killing me. I can’t say totally no, but I can’t think of an exact instance. I know young men. I know young men. Let me tell you. So, but anyway, no, go, I’m sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead. So here’s a quick, quick, quick story on Mark and then I’ll turn it over to you. But I wanted to tell at least that one story, um, because I mean, he was a major influence earlier in my life. And so, uh, he, so much like you in a way, he, when I grew up, I was the poor one and he had money.
Yes. And transportation and all the good things to have when you’re, you know, like 16 years old. Hot chicks. That I did not have, right? Right, right. I mean, yeah. I mean, well, he had transportation. So at some point in time, yes, there were women involved because everybody wanted to ride somewhere. Yeah, right. It’s Decatur. You don’t want to walk around Decatur, Illinois. I mean, you do not. You do not want that. You do not. I would, he, we live close to each other. We grew up close to each other, but that’s not saying like it was next door or something. I mean, he literally, he was like a half mile away, but that was close where I lived. You actually lived in a nice area. I’ve seen it. It’s actually nice, but it was about a half mile away. So you couldn’t just wander over. You know what I mean? There’s a little planning involved a lot of times, but anyway, he had a car, he had a truck cause he was a man. And, um,
And so we would go running around in this truck. So he actually had two trucks that he would have access to. One was his work truck, and then he had a flatbed truck, which was a work truck that sometimes he drove. I don’t know why he did, but he did, and we’d just go running around. So he had the… Was it an ice cream van? No, it was a flatbed, like a three-quarter ton truck with a flatbed on the back. I’d been funny if it was like an ice cream truck. Okay, go ahead. With his shirt off? I don’t know. Yeah. I don’t know about that. He wasn’t very hairy, so that was good. I picture him as hairy. I don’t know why. No, his face was hairy, but his body was not hairy. Okay. So anyway, for whatever reason, being the young’uns in rural Illinois…
We were racing everybody, constantly racing. And so, Mark, we’re in a three-quarter ton truck. Another friend is in an old Andy Griffith Galaxy 500. Oh, wow. Yeah. Andy Griffith style. It wasn’t exactly the one that Andy had, but it was a Galaxy 500. And we’re racing through the country roads outside Decatur, Illinois, and And my friend Mark, I never drove because I didn’t have a car. And my friend Mark, we’re going around. There’s all these curves and everything. We come to this curve, and it’s kind of a short kind of S curve kind of thing, and there’s a field that’s been harvested or plowed, whatever you want to say. Nothing was in it. Mark’s like, I’m going to pass him. What? What? Where? Because, I mean, we’re on this country road. It’s barely two cars. He goes straight to the field. We’re going like 50, 60 miles an hour on a country road. Holy crap. On this flatbed. And we get onto the road, and the flatbed goes shooting off. Oh, my God. And it’s laying half on the truck and half on the ground dragging. Holy crap. But we’re in front of my other friend.
We beat him. Yeah. Doesn’t stop there. The craziness doesn’t end there. He slams it into park, hops out by himself, puts the flatbed back on the truck. Oh, my God. He’s a big guy. I’m just sitting there in amazement. They can’t get around us. Hops back in, and we go thundering down the road. Yeah. Insanity. We beat them to their house. I think we’re going to their house. We beat them. Craziness. It’s like a Polish Red Barchetta or something. Well, he wasn’t Polish. I always joked that he was Inuit because he looked like an Eskimo or Samoan, but he was neither. He was German, but anyway. That’s example number one. Example number two. I don’t know why. We’re going somewhere. Yeah. Driving along next to a cornfield. He says, let’s go in the cornfield. And make love. No. Just drive. Fully grown cornfield. I think it was about this time of year just before harvest. Yeah. He drives us into a cornfield at full speed. Oh, my God. Jesus. We start doing donuts. Yes.
He’s gone now, so I can tell all these stories. Yeah, right? Donuts comes shooting out of the cornfield. Luckily, he stops because we stopped right at a guide wire to a telephone pole before we came out of the field. Ooh. Wow. Then he backs up. We take off. We pull into McDonald’s. To go get something to eat. I guess you’re hungry after you blindly drive through a cornfield at high speed. Yeah, no pooling. We get out of the truck, corn stalks hanging off the back bumper. Mm-hmm. Last story. At a party, drinking too much, young, underage, I decide, and you’re going to be amazed by this just because you’ve known me as later days, I’m going to do pull-ups on this doorway. There was a time you could do this? Yes. That’s why I said you’re going to be surprised. Yes. I could do this. Multiple.
You were skinny at one point. Yeah, I was skinny. Old farmhouse the party’s happening at. I go do pull-ups. It’s got this big, fat trim on it, right? Like the old-style, heavy-duty trim. It starts coming out of the wall. Oopsie. And it’s like at about a 30-degree angle when I get done. Yikes. My good friend Mark, you know what he did? He pounded it back in with his fist. He did. He… Pounded the nail in with his hand on both sides. Oh, my God. And no one was the wiser. Wow. And you thought this was a good idea? Not the pounding, no. Yeah. Well, after I pulled the thing out, I didn’t think the pull-ups were that good of an idea either. Was this around the time you had sex in the McDonald’s bathroom? Yeah. It was.
Oh, yeah. All that happened during this time period. Yeah. There’s more than that. Did that lead to you having sex in the McDonald’s, Beth? No, I probably passed out or something. Actually, just to shock you, I’ll say it. I ended up sleeping with my friend Jeff. We just fell asleep. You know what? You talk about this, Jeff, an awful lot off the air. I mean, an awful lot. We just ended up falling asleep in, I think, his bed. Yeah. Well, you know, it was a different time back then, you know. Well, we were tired. We drank too much and then, you know, anyway. Wait, is this the guy that you woke up and he was making love to that girl or something and you’re like, oh, okay. Was that? No, a different guy. Oh, okay. Yeah, that happened as well, but that was a different guy. Yeah. You were into some stuff, man. No, I just happened to be there.
I was, you know, an innocent bystander. That’s how all your stories start. Well, I wasn’t really doing anything. Exactly. I just happened to be there. Okay. All right. But anyway, just three weird, funny, oddball stories about my good friend Mark. Mark, well. You know, he’s gone. Mark has made the show many times. Yeah, he’s a good guy. He’s a fantastic person. You have always defended Mark. He took very good care of me whenever I was in states of not being in good judgment. Yeah. He would step in and tell me, don’t. Don’t. And I’d be like, okay. Because I respected the guy. Right. Yeah. I mean, in hindsight, as we talk about this, I’m like, he could easily be any character, side character in an 80s
movie. But he was. He literally was a side character in an 80s life. Anyhow, I just wanted to do that. I know you would enjoy it. That’s part of the reason. I did. I wanted to say something because, you know, everybody doesn’t get a little time. This is a time capsule. Yeah. For my good friend. Well, you know, he’d sleep with the angel. Well, I’m pretty sure. I’ve only met like three of your friends, I think. Really? Yeah. I think so, yeah. Okay. Well, I don’t know why. Well, because you’re not around. Because I have met the infamous Jeff, I believe, right? Yeah, my good buddy Jeff, yeah. And I’ve seen his character, and then your buddy Yoder, yeah. Yoder, yeah. I haven’t seen Yoder in a while. Yoder, yeah. Well, yeah, I think that’s, yeah. My Amish friend. And you’ve met a few of my friends, so that’s…
Yeah, but they’re assholes. The ones I met are total assholes. Well, not all of them. Well, no, I mean… Some of those guys are assholes. Dan the Weatherman, he’s a nice guy. I know Dan the Weatherman’s cool. We went to your apartment after we’d gone to a strip club down there. Remember that? Yeah, I remember you guys stopped by after the quarter strip club where they just take quarters or something. I don’t know what it was. I had like Lipstick on my cheek and stuff. Oh, my God. And Dan had it on his lips. Who’d have thunk? He might have. He might have, yes. But anyway, so, Miles, what’s going on? I’m sorry. I took a little bit of time there, but I think it’s warranted. I mean, the guy, he’s been a fantastic friend. He kept me from probably dying. He almost made me die a couple times, kept me from dying a few times. What a good friend does.
Right? Yeah. Man, that’s crazy. I actually found out tonight that my old driving instructor just died. Really? Yeah. What was his name? Mr. English. He’s dead now. but it was weird. Good times or what? We did have some good time. No, he was like a coach, you know? Oh, okay. So then he didn’t like you. No, I, yeah. Cause I’m very, you’re very off title. You’re just screwing your life off. Well, no, cause my, my friend, I have a friend named Jeff that I talked to a lot. Your brother doesn’t even know where he’s at. Yeah. And cause Jeff’s like, you know, the coaches used to tell us sports guys, like, don’t hang around with the non-sports people. Do not hang around those losers.
Oh, yeah, well, that’s good advice. Which I trust Jeff. Good advice. Which I don’t, you know. So, yeah, so, yeah, this guy, I don’t know. Well, I guess he didn’t moonlight. He really was the driving instructor, you know. Okay. And he was very down to business. He was very down to business. Like, my friend, like, kinky Catholic, you know, got mouthy with him once. And, you know. That other guy, that asshole guy. uh no no you know what? The guy that you hate so much, uh, he was really a nice guy up until he turned 21 and started drinking alcohol. Then he became a complete asshole. Then he became a whatever and uh you know he’s 21 yeah well yeah he was saying some fairly mean things to you, like thank
which I won’t repeat, but, uh, no, but you know, you, in driving class, you know, you’re like a sophomore here in Illinois and you gotta go to classroom first, all your buddies, you know, you get to skip, uh, you know, gym class and go to this bullshit and, you know, like, it’d be like title. What’s the name of this thing? I’m like, uh, that’s the acceleration ramp. No, I didn’t know. God damn it. No, I don’t even know what you’re talking about. I don’t know. I never read the book. I don’t know what it’s called. You know, the ramp, when you get on the highway, what the hell that’s called. I go, I don’t know the acceleration ramp. I don’t know. I got stupid ass. I mean, this dude admittedly used to like large, you’re like load barges and stuff as a young man, you know? So,
Right. Did you call him barge or anything? But no, I didn’t say it was yes, sir. No, sir, man. I, yeah, I didn’t even screw with this dude at all yeah and um so anyway, it came my turn they because they went by age. Of course the, you know, oldest kids got to go first, of course. And then i was, I got to go. And of course you get to skip gym class again, which was like excellent. because I like hate gym class hate hate well apparently you didn’t get naked in front of people. So I avoided it. You just mentioned that earlier. Well, no, because they wanted you to shower, but then they’d give you these little rags to dry off with. Take your own towel. Why didn’t you take your own towel? Come on. No, come on. What are we, a bunch of sportos or something? I mean, come on. I mean, what are you, a golf towel or something like that? Yeah, like these weird orange golf towels.
And these kids, well, I think I told this story before, but these kids would throw them at you when you came out of the shower. And if you didn’t dive to get the stain, you were going to have a wet towel. Yeah, this kid was really weird. I handed him out. He’s like, here, go deep, dude. Here’s your golf towel. Here’s your golf towel, you loser. People used to blow all sorts of. bodily fluids into these things and stuff like that. Oh my gosh, what the i would hate to be the people that had to clean this. No, I saw people blow their nose in this stuff, like, oh. Okay, okay. I go, I don’t know the poor souls that actually have to launder this stuff, but i’m like, uh. Doing it by hand on a rock or anything, are they at a machine, didn’t i would have, like, those gloves you put on when you’re, like, birthing cattle, you know, and stuff, like those elbow all the way up to your armpits, yeah. Yeah, right. Oh my God.
Well, I think I would do that even if they didn’t blow their nose. I mean, rubbing on your nuts and your butt. Oh, yeah. I saw people. I don’t want any towel that you’ve touched your genitals with. Come on. I saw people really drying themselves off a lot. You stayed here. We burned towels when you stayed. Yeah. I didn’t like gym class. I didn’t like it. So what’s this got to do with your driving instructor pass? So anyway, so all right. So you’re supposed to drive with like two or three other people or I don’t know, two other people. And within the first week, like they all bailed out. It was like just me and this guy. I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what happened. These people just like disappeared. They all changed days. They’re like, oh, my God, that’s the golf towel weirdo.
Yeah, that’s that weird kid that doesn’t like to… Weird kid with orange golf towels that he was rubbing himself with. Once there was a boy who… No, but I was like… It was weird because instead of driving, half of it was like… All right, title. He’s always clearing his throat like me. He’s like, we got to go to the drugstore. I got to get some things. Okay. All right. Yeah. All right, stop here. I’ll be out in half an hour. You know, I’m like, oh, okay. I’m checking out the magazines that come in on Tuesdays. Yeah, I’ve got to mail my letters, my tax refund. You know, I’ve got to mail that stuff. Let’s go to the post office. Oh, okay. All right. I told my wife I’d get milk. Could we stop by? All right, all right. Yeah, yeah, we’ll get milk.
Yeah. I mean, my God, I was like, this guy’s Aaron boy, you know, like, okay. All right. What are you doing anyway? You’re not doing anything. I, well, as long as I got a gym class, here’s an orange towel to keep you company while I go. There you go. There you go. There’s tally. He’ll be your buddy while I’m inside. Don’t get scared. I know you’re half a sissy. You know that. That’s what I say. So, and, uh, No, I don’t know. He got talking about some weird stuff one time, though. He goes, oh, you ever hear about guys wearing makeup before? I’m like… Kiss? You mean like kiss? No, no. No, this is like early 80s, you know what I’m saying? Pre-Boy George kind of situation? Yeah, right. Culture club? I don’t know if that day will ever come. I’ll tell you that right now. I’ll kill those
anybody. That’s great. That guy has passed on. Is this a happy moment? I actually learned some stuff from him. Some good driving tips from him. I learned how to get my errands done while I was working. I learned how to get my laundry done for free if I didn’t mind. It was with snotty orange towels. Yeah, I don’t even want to know what else was in those freaking towels. I learned all about Foundation and getting my eyes to pop, the smoke eye. Yeah, I don’t even know where that came from, man. I don’t know. Maybe he’s watching some Cure videos or something. I have no idea what brought that conversation up. I’m so sorry. Tidal, what do you think about that? What do you think about Robert Smith and the Cure?
It’s going to be a goddamn cold day in hell before I see a kid wearing that crap. You’re right, Mr. English. You’re right, man. Oh, my goodness. Well. Yes. I don’t know. Yeah, but yeah. So, yeah. I don’t know. It doesn’t sound like it was Mr. Good Times. You know, it wasn’t as bad as it sounds, actually. It wasn’t as bad as it sounds. Yeah, I don’t know. A lot of teachers really didn’t like me, so actually I’d put this guy more towards the top, I think. Really? Okay. Yeah. That’s great. Yeah. You’re not a sport guy, and he’s the coach and tells all the sport guys to stay away from people like you. Yeah, I was like very emo or something. Yeah, I don’t know what I was. I don’t know what I was. I wasn’t into sports. I was going to say bad.
but maybe that’s not. No, I was kind of more grunge than anything else. Yeah, well, that’s just because everybody bailed out of the car because you stunk. I know, I know. The teacher was like, well, at least I get my errands done. I’m only in here about 10, 15 minutes tops. Yeah, this kid looks all right, I guess. Come on, kid. You got foundation on, kid? What is that? This guy looks like he’s… destined for great things. Nah, kid. You got a lot of pimples there. Blind man can read your face, kid. I’m telling you. Holy cow. Recording has stopped.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

And there we are. Hey, we’re live, mister. Live at 5. This evening, a crash on the 405 brings traffic to a halt. Big Dick McGee is on the scene. Thank you, Bob. We’re flying over the scene right now. It’s a horrible accident right now. Water truck and a vinegar truck run into each other. They just loud sound, douche. The horrible thing, Bob. Going back to you. Go back to the studio, Bob. There we go. Hey everybody, welcome to Stag Show, this is Bob. Holy crap, hey, Miles Tidal here, jeez. What was that, was it loud to you? No, I just, I saw your lips moving, I’m like, oh Christ, here we go again, like, man. Oh, well, unfortunately my lips move when I play the music. Your lips move, but I can’t hear what they’re saying. Yeah, exactly. Well, I’m saying…
No, that is loud. Oh, okay. Sorry. Everybody, welcome. Get your speculums ready. Let’s go. Static radio’s on. That’s right. I feel so out of practice, you know, so. I’m glad you could show up. I’m glad you could find the time in your busy schedule to do a podcast. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. you know what I’ve been doing is for the last 26 years, I’ve been gathering up the minutes that you’re late, and then I just spent some of them. But the thing is, I still got a pocket full. Because you’re late every week. I was on vacation, and so we pre-recorded some stuff. Again. Again, that’s right my gosh. You name it, this guy goes. Well, you know. This is like Dora the Explorer. I got to get it in. Yeah. I got to get it in before it’s too late. You know what I mean? I know. First he’s swimming with old people. Now he’s like vacationing every month. I’m like, man, I’m in this guy thing. I’m waiting. I’m waiting to get my. I’m on the wait list for a hover round. Are you trying to get like free coffee from certain fast food places now? That’s right.
You got to sing your coffee for me. I want my coffee. God damn it. No, but I was reading, accidentally reading that if you’re old, they may cut trees down for free, which I don’t know if you’ve had a tree cut down, but it’s very expensive and I need a tree cut down. Well, okay. I’m interested in this. Go ahead. Well, I have a… a tree that, no, I don’t care about you. I mean, how do you just get to sign up for this? I mean, I don’t care about you. Oh, okay. I don’t know. I was reading and, uh, I said that there’s some, uh, laws that say that if you’re old, you can get the, like the state to come out of the city to come out and take down a tree for you. If it’s, if it’s going to fall on your house. Yeah. No. Well, I got to look into it more. I just happened to breeze through an article.
I was taking a shit on the boat. I picked up a magazine on these. I was reading Sailor’s Weekly. It was bingo. And, yeah, so now I got to investigate this because I got a tree I need to deal with at some point. You got a lot of trees. I got a lot of trees, but there’s one in particular that maybe I need to deal with, so. Some other ones I can just let go. They can just dead trees in the yard. Who cares? Right. So, yeah. Um, so yeah, I went to, uh, I’m trying to think the terrible thing I’ve been on a couple of trips and, uh, not much overly funny has happened really. I’ve been fairly, uh, you know, sedate.
Uh, the crazies have not been coming out to see me very often here. So yeah, the Alaska trip thing totally tanks. Well, I, yeah, I couldn’t, I decided not to even go into it. Of course you got interrupted a lot too. Right. Yeah. I got interrupted a lot. Yeah. So yeah. So yeah, I went to, I went to Colorado, uh, recently, like last week or whatever. And, uh, that was, that was good. Yeah. Yeah. All right. So that was, that’s a good show. That’s a good song. Yep. Um, so yeah, so I, I, uh, you know, where, so we go to Colorado and we rent a cabin, a cabin, a cabin. Yeah. So, and it like has like three bedrooms or whatever, four bedrooms. And I’m there with family. Everybody’s there. And, uh, and so this is a terrible story, but I’m gonna tell it anyway. So we got a cabin and there’s lots of cabins for rent. We’re way up in the mountains and Estes park.
And that is near, I mean, it’s like a stone’s throw from the Rocky Mountain National Park. Sure, sure. And we went in there and everything. I always, I was trying to decide how to explain, like if somebody asked me, like when you go on vacation, what do you do? And I go, we do nature plus. Because we go and see nature plus we like stay in a cabin, a nice cabin. and go to dinner and things that are a little less rugged. You just say the nature part of everybody thinks you’re camping. We did not do any camping. We stayed in a cabin with running water and everything. Toilet on the inside. They’re never the best toilets, but they are a toilet nonetheless that’s functional. Anyway, we’re at this cabin and
And, uh, the, we, you know, get there the first day and then the next day we’ve kind of gone off and done some stuff. And, uh, we come back to, you know, after lunch or something in the afternoon to kind of rearrange before we go out and do some more stuff. And, um, there’s all in the cabins everywhere. Right. So it’s not like it’s remote or anything. It’s just like cabin, cabin, cabin. And so I run to get something. Somebody had to have Pepto-Bismol or something, so I always get volunteered to go get things. So I run again, and I come back, and my brother-in-law is on our porch talking to this old guy, right? He’s like, looks like… I’m trying to think of who he looks like. The guy from the straight story? Yeah, well, kind of. He had this gray hair and mustache. And I’m like, oh, you know, what’s going on now? Because, you know, I don’t want to be – I’m not friendly in the world, out in the world. I mean, I’m friendly if you say hi, I’ll say hi. I don’t want to stand there and talk to you. I wish people that you podcast with knew this.
Like I just really knew this cause they don’t really know this. I wish they would just, if they were to ask me, I would tell them, but, um, I don’t like you. I’m friendly on these kinds of things and so forth. But when I’m, you know, on my own time, I don’t know what you want to call it. I go out and I just want to do my thing and then that’s it. So, so then my brother-in-law come, I just go straight in. I’m not, you know, he, he’s occupied. I don’t want to be involved in this. So I go in and I go hide. And he comes in and he’s telling us this old guy, he’s like, uh, he just would not, he, he goes, he just kept telling me the same things. He goes, he would just, he’s like, uh, and over there, the elk come down from there. And then they come right out in front of your cabin and they, you know,
make their mating sounds and then they head up over there and you know they come down from up here and then they’ll be right there in your front yard right here in the cabin he’s like his whole conversation rested on the fact that he I got all these pictures you know they come down from over there and he just did it over and over until finally I think we left and my brother oh I gotta leave and so then he gets in the car with us. He’s like, God damn. And he tells us the story and we’re like, Oh, you know, I dodged a bullet cause I just ran in the house. Yeah. No. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I’m a hide and like looking through the blinds. Like what the hell’s going on? It was for you. Yeah. Yeah. No kidding. So then, um, we go out and, and do stuff. We come back cause we’re all in a one vehicle, one big van. And we,
I come ripping in, and we park the van, and this guy is outside behind his truck. And we come whipping in there, and he hits the ground. He falls down. This is horrible. What? He fell down. I don’t know what he was doing, but he literally just took a header right there in the driveway of his cabin. right as all of us the whole van load of people are pulling into this other cabin he totally wipes out there was an elk what’s that? no there was no elk anywhere no elk anywhere and so then he oh god and I’m like everybody’s like in the car’s like oh shit What do we do with this guy? Ignore it. Ignore it. That’s what we’re trying to decide. I mean, it’s like an ethical conundrum. Right, yeah. Because you know, if you go over there… Let me tell you about the time. Yeah, this is going to be like an hour or something. Whereas if you ignore it, you’re a horrible, horrible person.
Well, thankfully, by the time we were getting out of the car, he grabbed ahold of his tailgate and pulled himself up. Oh, God. And so then we just ignored it because he was embarrassed. You could tell. He was like, you know, shaking himself off. He just took this dive. I don’t know. He’s getting some out of his truck or something. Anyway, so we all just kind of scurried in to avoid him. Because he was okay. Are you sure we shouldn’t check on him? No. No. Oh, my gosh. I feel terrible. You guys are assholes, man. Yeah. Even though I don’t want to talk to people, I’m not a horrible person. You know what I mean? Yeah. If he was still on the ground when I got out, I was going to go help him.
yeah right yeah oh i was no you weren’t. You’d be there. Why? What happened? Why? Because I saw him. I was driving and i saw him just take a dive. It was bad. And, uh, we all scurry into the house and hide. And then he, he, you know, plays it all off because obviously he was really embarrassed that he fell down. And, And so then the next day it’s, it’s like about dusk and I’ll be damned. My brother-in-law is like, Holy shit. There’s elk out here. Yeah. He’s like, the fucking thing came down from over there. Came right into the yard. That’d be funny if the old guy’s out there bare-ass naked. No, he came out. He came out. Yeah. But thankfully, he had this huge camera. He had a great camera. Anyway, he came out onto his deck, so he couldn’t get to us. He was up elevated.
And he was snapping pictures, but literally this hell came down from where he said right in front of us and starts yelling its mating call. Yeah. I would play it. I don’t know if I can play it for you, but it’s wild. But yeah, and then we’re all just cracking up because it literally was exactly what he said. We’re like… Oh, we are such jerks. Let me see if I can get this to play here. I don’t know if you’ll be able to hear it. I don’t think you can hear it. It’s like you were scratching a record or something. Well, I was holding this phone up against the microphone. Now it’s not playing. Damn it. Anyway, imagine a voo-voo-zay-la is what I call it. It sounds like a voo-voo-zay-la going off with this big animal right within 50 feet of us. Maybe the old…
Maybe the old man was a shapeshifter. Well, no. He was a shapeshifter, all right. He shapeshifted his ass right on the ground. You guys are totally blowing off. That’s hilarious. Oh, my God. I feel terrible, but it was so funny. I mean, he was okay. If he wasn’t okay, I probably wouldn’t even tell you. Yeah. We’re one redeeming person in this trip, man. Not one. We’re like, no. Because, I mean, everybody’s like, shit, what are we going to do? This guy fell down right there. I didn’t see anything. Yeah. Oh no. It was like, it was like dramatic. I don’t even know what he was doing. It was like a pirouette. And then you just go, bam, you know, I mean, there’s some gravel there. I need help. I’m falling and I can’t get up. Yeah, it was. Yeah. But I don’t think that after that, I mean, we saw him up on the, on his deck there and he was giving us the,
you know, like point. And he’s like, you know, it came from up there, but he wasn’t talking because the elk was right there. He’s in a sling. That’d be funny. It’s a game called jump to conclusions. That’s office space. Yeah. Anyway. Yeah. So that was, that’s probably the most entertaining thing that happened was uh, watch an old guy take a dive in a driveway. Yeah. I’m a horrible, horrible person. Yeah. I’m like, that’s going to be me. That’s good. I’m going to pop a knee and then boom, right on the ground. Yeah. I would be laughing like, ah, look at that old stupid idiot. Yeah. Yeah. So, uh, that was probably the funniest moment. God, that’s horrible. Yeah, I know. It was really horrible. I hope I never get hurt. God forbid I ever go to your house again. Oh, come on. I think my house is okay. I don’t know. You long to get hurt at my house. You’d be like, I’m suing. I was suing. He threw water on the bathroom floor so I’d fall down. Really? Their bathroom’s all clogged up now? Yeah. I clogged it, but that’s okay. Your toilet overflowed for no reason.
Mm-hmm. So, yeah. But, yeah, I know. I’m terrible. I’m admitting that. I’m a terrible person. You are horrible. Your family’s horrible. Yeah, I don’t want to… Horrible people. You know, I’ll help people. I don’t want to get in… I get it. Yeah, I get it. I understand. I don’t want to know all that. That’s not my business. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So what’s going on with you? Anything? Well, I didn’t try to abuse anybody. Thank God. I didn’t abuse anyone. Do you? You keep putting words in my mouth. Yeah. No. You remember a long time ago, we did a show. This is like ancient history, but we did a show. I think you called it Neighborhood Chicken Watch. Okay. Um, and, uh, the gist of that story was like some weird bird was like, uh, in the back of Mr. Miyagi’s yard. My neighbor’s Mr. Miyagi. And I was like, Miles, you got to knock on the door. Cause there’s some weird bird. And as I knocked on the door, the thing flew away and I was doing like ding dong ditch it. Cause it was like, I don’t know what a quail or what it was anyway. So that, I don’t know if you remember that story or not. It’s a long, this is like long time ago.
You want me to find out how long ago it was? No, it’s okay. What was the name of it again? Neighborhood Chicken Watch. Neighborhood Chicken Watch. Okay, I will look it up here. This is Neighborhood Chicken Watch Part 2. Oh, dear God. This is spaced out kind of like the Tron movies. Yeah, it was from June 2000. Wow. Okay. Well, there you go. Yeah. 25 years later. And, uh, so, uh, I, uh, you know, uh, you know, Bob gets to travel the world. He goes to cool places. I don’t basically go to the neighbor’s house. Yeah. And, uh, I did absolutely nothing this weekend. Absolutely nothing. Very quiet weekend. And, uh, you know, my dog, I have two dogs and they’re always wanting to go outside.
Always. It’s like every 10 minutes. Yeah, they’re dogs. That’s what they do. They have nothing else to do. They’re just like, fuck it. Let’s go. All right. What’s in there? Wait a minute. What’s outside? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So it’s broad daylight. It’s like Saturday, and I let them out. And immediately, they’re bonkers. Like something’s wrong. I know there’s something wrong, because they’re just immediately… I’m pissed off or something. I go, what? And I’m barefoot. I go outside. Oh, Christ. You of all people should not be barefoot. Well, all my shoes are outside because when I get dog shit on my shoes, I leave my shoes outside. And so I look and there’s like an emaciated Santa Claus with like a branch in his hand pointing over my fence. Yes.
Okay. And like, well, I’m getting to that. So Mr. Miyagi, he’s like behind him, like this weird look on his face. Like, Oh, I’m like, what in the F is this? Right. I go, Hey, Hey, Hey, what’s going on? He’s very close to my dog. I have a fence, but you know, right. Yeah. He’s like, my chickens in your yard. this Santa Claus said this? Yes. It may seem like, Oh yeah. I’m like, all right. All right. Nothing gets homeless people, but you know, I know I ain’t having it. And I call, I get my son, my youngest son. He was home at the time. You know, he’s like, it looks like a linebacker from an NFL or he’s pretty big dude. I’m like, right. I’m like, Hey, Bo Cephas, come here, put on your shoes. I want you to talk to this weirdo, man. I mean,
You poor kid. I don’t want to talk to that guy. Yeah, you think I’m bad. I don’t push anybody into the line of fire. Yeah, well, I know. I’m like, I tell my wife, get on speed dial, hit 911 when I start yelling. Because there’s something weird going on. This old man has a stick. And my wife’s got all these questions. What? Why? What’s going on? What? What does he want? I go, there’s a chicken. There’s an invisible chicken in my backyard. I don’t know. Why? Why? I don’t know. You couldn’t see the chicken? No, there’s no chicken. I’m like, okay, all right. Was it like he was cooking it and he threw it over the fence accidentally? It’s time to call the local police, have a little talk with Santa about imaginary chicken. I’m really hungry. I’ll bring you an extra present there, fat boy. McNuggets, McNuggets. And so I go, what?
what, what’s going on again? My chickens in your yard. I saw it. I saw it. Well, what, what’s Miyagi doing? I, he had a weird look on his face. Like he was being held captive. Like he was blinking Morse code at me. Like miles. Oh, please. I’m like, okay, this is getting weird. I go, okay, man. I go, who, what is your name? What way? What is your name? What’s your name? You didn’t tell him there was no chicken. Well, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I go, what’s your name? Right. He goes, uh, you know, Fred, dah, dah, dah, dah. Yeah. And I’m like, all right, wait a minute. Big Dick McGee. Like what you got on big Dick McGee. I’m like, oh, wait, I go, wait a minute. Wait, you’re big Dick McGee. He goes, yeah. I’m like, oh, I go, wait a minute. I know your brother, my semi racist friend dominant. Right. He goes, yeah. I’m like, oh.
okay, maybe this does check out. Cause I, I knew this guy lived close by me, but, and I thought, shit, he does raise chickens. I’m like, shit. Oh my gosh. And so now you went from homeless Santa to racist buddies, buddies, brother who looks like he’s been homeless for about 10 years. He’s like, all he does is raise chickens all day. What do you want? I’m like, okay, well, where’s the chicken out there? Big Dick. And he’s like, well, and I have this fence, but the jackasses behind me a long time ago built their own fence and they’ve left like a one foot. Oh, yeah. Between the fences. And he’s like, well, it’s between, it’s behind your garage or by Miyagi’s there. You got us. Okay. And I go, son of a bitch. I lean in. I can see this little son of a bitch. I’m like, God damn it. How do you do that?
Do you tend to this area between the fences? Is it just like wind city? Yeah. It’s all, there’s all sorts of shit you shouldn’t even be in. I’m like, okay. And my son for some reason, a bunch of shoes you throw up back there whenever you get on them. I mean, fuck. I mean, it’s so remote. You know, Johnny gosh is back there, man. I’m like, geez. Okay. And my son, volunteers to go back there with the stick and flush this thing out. I’m like, I don’t know if that’s a good, how’s he gonna get back there? I don’t know how he did it. I don’t even know how he did it. Uh, but he got back there and i mean, it took about five minutes to flush this thing out. because it did not want to come out. It was like, Oh my gosh. How close does this guy live with his chickens? Uh, he’s on the next block over. Oh, well, hey that chicken made some ground there. It made up some ground. Yeah.
Well, I must have gotten Miyagi’s and headed over my way, I guess. Oh. Oh, okay. Weird. Staring off. It’s like, all right, I got him now. I got him. Come here, Mabel. I’m going to rip his head off. I hate him. The only reason I’m trying to get this chicken is it’s my sex chicken. Sex chicken. That’s my sex robot broke. I got to have the sex chicken. I got a sex chicken. I wouldn’t even care about this thing if it weren’t for my sex chicken. Oh, my God. I was laughing. Oh, my God. I was laughing so hard. I go, I wish we recorded this damn show on Saturday. My God, I was laughing so hard. Did you ever tell your wife what happened or did she? Oh, yes. I told her immediately. She said there was a finger on the speed dial here.
Yeah, I’m like, don’t call the police. It’s Big Dick. Don’t worry. It’s Big Dick McGee. It’s Dominic. Who? Should I call him? Our semi-racist friend from church, Dominic. Yes, this is his brother, Big Dick McGee. Oh, okay. Was it really a chicken? Yes. What color was it? I don’t know. How old was it? I don’t know. What’s he going to do with it? Take some goddamn pictures. What is he going to do with it? I don’t know. What’s the chicken’s name? I don’t know. You know, I was like, I don’t, I don’t know any of these answers. I don’t know. The guy has his chicken. That’s all I care about. He’s gone. But yeah, I mean, it’s the emaciated man, like white beard, white hair, the beards down to his belly, you know, looks like William golden. Well, you mean golden from the Oak Ridge boys or whatever the hell is. Yeah. Oh my God. For my sex chicken.
there’s a young asian girl back here. I think i’m like, what? No, I’m just kidding. I’m joking. But no, that was just, that was the weirdest. I was so sure this was like some homeless guy, like, uh, nothing against homeless people, but i mean, like, you know, uh, you keep saying that. Well, I don’t mean to say that. I mean, I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m just saying maybe like someone off their meds or something, I guess is what I’m trying to say. I don’t, you know, I’m like, okay. I’m like, oh, sure. There’s, is there a white shirt back here too, maybe? Yeah. There’s a pair of pants up there. There’s a talking skeleton. There’s a giant pumpkin growing in between these fences. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Oh, nice. So all is well then. The guy got his cock back. The guy got his hand back on his cock again. There’s a song called Detachable Penis. Yeah, I know. You talk about it all the time. That’s your goodbye horses. I was tending to my chickens and my penis got lost. Detachable penis. It ended up between two fences. Yeah. He sent a linebacker in there to get it for me. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my god that was the craziest that was the craziest thing oh my gosh. Yeah. That is crazy. But you survived. Yes. That’s fantastic. And your son’s okay as well. Little Poison Oak on his wing. No, that’s terrible. No, he’s fine. He’s okay. I thought maybe that was his rap name. Little Poison Oak. Poison Oak. Chasing a chicken between the fences.
And Macy and Santa Claus wanted him. My Japanese neighbor was having none of it. Hey.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Oh, shoot. I need to pee. I don’t know what his name is. Welcome to Cocaine Murder Jam. This is Miles. We’re here until 3 a.m. This is Murder Jam 3. Thank you. Murder Jam 3. They’re going to steal it because they don’t do it anymore. We didn’t get enough murder and cocaine in the first two, so we had to come up with a third one. Yeah. Murder Jam. So, welcome to the stage. We got King Charles with us here tonight. And… Well, Dope and Doug Moody is over here on the other side of us. Dope and Doug. Sounds good to me. Okay. His hair is not really white. That’s all cocaine, I’m telling you. I think, so I think, Will, you should just call yourself King Charles. I think that’s good. You don’t like it? It’s coming. I got to earn it.
No, you’re kidding. I’m King Charles. I think you need to get yourself like a Burger King crown or something and put it on when you’re doing your act. First of all, step away. Give me a second. Oh, man. We started something now. Oh, great. Miles is here tonight with me again. Yeah. Miles, how’s it going? It’s going pretty good, Bob. How about you? So, Miles, you recently were in Quincy. Having a good time. Here he goes. He’s got a crown. Get out of town. Oh, snap. Oh, snap. King Charles is in the house. I already had one. A bitch gave it to me for my birthday. I still broke up with her. Two years ago, I was like, thanks for the crown. Yeah, there you go. Thanks for the crown. That’s nice. You look good in that.
That’s a great one. So now, Dope and Doug, what’s your thing? Something I got to show with Dope. I get it, cocaine. Here I go. Maybe, Doug, you have a big blunt or something. Light up a big blunt. A big blunt? Yeah, I get it. Those monster blunts. No? No. Well, King Charles has got your beat on props tonight. Looks good. You definitely do, yeah. Yeah. So last time it was like a takeover event here with Douglas, and now he’s got all quiet on me. I’m 69. It’s like I’m on midnight. Are you kidding me? Yeah, I know. We’re pushing it, right? We’re pushing it. Yeah, this is sick. I mean, you know. His wife’s out of town. He’s taking full advantage of the fact that she’s gone. And I think he’s purchased at least three different movies on his pay cable service. And he’s sitting in here. I’m out of Geritol.
I’m out of Geritol and everything, you know, so I don’t know how I’m going to survive. He’s just mixed up a big glass of Metamutual and he’s getting ready to be regularly banned. Yeah, really. With High C. Really that way. Yeah, yeah. And then we got King Charles over here who’s doing some kind of weird kiddie shots with Smirnoff and High C. I don’t know what the hell’s going on over there. It’s Kool-Aid, sir. It’s Kool-Aid? Yeah. I’m so glad. That’s the same. It’s Kool-Aid Smirnoff edition he’s got going on. Hold up your shot glass or whatever the hell you’re drinking out of there. I have one. I bought these off Amazon. I technically have four. It only costs like $8. Oh, okay. There you go. This is your plug, Amazon. All right. It’s called the Jim Jones. Yeah. No kidding. It’s called…
Tea time with King Charles. This ain’t no fucking tea. What the hell? I got to go read Go Basic. Women act like when they come around me, I drink all these shots around them. What did you say, Doug? I’m trying to brush the cobwebs off my Go Basic book that I have. Oh, okay. Here we go. There you go. Okay. A little bit later, Douglas is going to teach us how to make an app. for a smartphone and King Charles is going to tell us how to keep all your tires in East Memphis. There you go. Yeah. We ain’t doing any go basic. I can tell you that. Miles, what are you doing for us a little bit later? Nothing. Nothing. Okay. Nothing. So either one of you guys have a story that’s happened to you recently that you’d like to tell, you know, a funny story. It doesn’t have to be, it doesn’t have to be a bits or anything. It could literally just be, I was at the supermarket, you know, like here’s an example for you. One time miles came to visit me here in St. Louis and we went to get donuts at the Schnucks, which is a real supermarket.
And we were gathering our donuts, and the lady opened, and we had our donuts sitting on the ledge, and the lady opened the door and knocked all our donuts onto the floor. Yeah. And then kind of did an Urkel. Did I do that? So, you know, it’s kind of a weird story, humorous story. You guys got anything like that? I don’t know. Charles is thinking for a second. He’s like, oh, yeah, I got something. Yeah, I know. What do you got, Charles? All right. See, take these shots first. But I’m going to tell you the truth. All right. All right, here we go. So, okay, I’m a very helpful, charitable tool man, whatever that word is. So I don’t hire hoes to have sex with me.
I have them from other things. Like, I literally paid a whole last week $60 to clean my house. But she didn’t know she was signing up for that until she came over here. She came over here. I was dressed sexy. She was like, you ready? I said, yeah, I’m ready for you to vacuum this living room and mop the kitchen. Yeah. This really happened. It’s not even a comic. I’m like, yeah, I learned the best housekeeping you can get is from hoes. So I just gave y’all some words of wisdom. Hey, I think that was a Lost Beatles song. It’s called Ho Tripper. He’s a ho tripper. Yeah. So how clean is your place after that? Extremely. She did it. Why would a hoe be better than hiring a cleaning lady? Because they’re cheaper. A cleaning lady, I trust my quotes, a real cleaning lady would have charged me like $200 for where I stay here. The hoe did it for $60, so I’m like, yeah, call a bargain. That is a bargain. I’m surprised that she…
Well, okay. If you want me to clean, I’ll clean. I mean, what’s the… She wasn’t upset? Yeah, I gave her a relief. She was like, I thought I was going to suck dick. I’m like, no, you’re not. You’re going to suck this dirt from this vacuum. That’s what you’re going to do. Ain’t no dick sucking involved. Yeah. I guess you don’t have to tip either. It’s a flat feet kind of a situation is what you’re saying. Uh-huh. I mean, what if you wanted to clean your bathroom? Oh, she did all of it. She did literally. And the kids that she mopped, I had everything set out for her. She didn’t bring her own supplies. I see. There’s the hook. You had to supply everything. She didn’t bring all her own supplies. I got you.
I already had them. She thought she was showing up with pussy, and I was like, nah, you showing up to do some real work that can show you that you don’t have to sell pussy no more. Maybe you can just do it. See, I was trying to show her a better way. And like, she’s like, clean the chips instead of sucking the dick. So anyway. That’s quite a story. I don’t think I’ve ever thought of that. Miles, is that something that you have considered? No, I’ve never been in that position before. I think every man should do it. I’m starting a revolution. I’m like, hire whores for real services. Did you ever get one to do your taxes? do my own but um that’s a good idea but yeah you can do that yeah they can do everything you want i’m finna have some horse um cut my grass and wash my car so wow that sounds great oh my goodness yeah well i suppose that that there is a bit of lawn service involved in the whoring industry as well. Hmm. Mm-hmm.
Interesting. Douglas, do you want to top that story? You got any stories? That’s hard. I can only say my wife and I way back kind of were out with some friends, you know, at a restaurant, and it was a country restaurant, right? So one of the things they had were words that people in the country used that mean something different than normal. You know what I mean? So they might. You know, so they had just a whole bunch of words. And one of the words was put out, which, you know, means to be, you know, saddened about something, you know, put out. So that was the thing. But I said to my friend, so what does put out mean? And he said, well, Long Island girls put out with my wife right there. So that was pretty funny. He said, I don’t think that’s what they mean by put out.
Apparently he never met your wife because you’ve been pretty depressed. Yeah, he definitely put you out. Yeah, put out, you know, put out, you know, like give it up sort of. Yeah. Well, no, yeah, I see that’s what he was getting at. But unfortunately in the country, they mean you got to put the cat out for the night. Yeah, put out. Well, put out means that you’re – because I’m from that area. Put out would mean that you’re disappointed. You’re put out. You didn’t get the job. Yeah, I was really put out. I was really put out that Bill didn’t hire a hoe to clean my house whenever he hired one for his. And then my wife was really handsome. Hey, I’ll look out for you. Yeah, neighbors, can you get a two-for-one? That’s the good question. Yeah. A BOGO, that’s what you want? A BOGO, that’s right. Yeah. Anything is possible. Anything is possible.
Miles, have you got anything tonight besides Hoes and Long Island? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so, like, I got a call from, like, a customer, you know, and she’s like, and this is not a joke, it’s a true story, but she goes, yeah, I think I was sent, like, the wrong delivery, you know. Oh, no. and so there was a kind of a debate whether or not she was or not. I go, well, listen, um, I’m going to send you a text and I want you to send you, send back some pictures of like what you received. Right. Okay. Cause there was just a little bit of a friendly debate, whether or not this is the right thing or not. Right. So she’s like, Oh, okay. Real nicely. Like, Oh, okay. I will. I will. Yeah. Yeah. So I sent a text, I go, Hey, this is miles from, you know, the part store, please, you know, send back. And, uh,
So it’s 10 o’clock at night. I check my phone. I’m like, oh, good. She sent back. And I realized that I have mistyped her number. And someone has sent back a picture of their own feces in the toilet. And it is just full of feces. I’m like, oh, wow. Oh, my gosh. Did you text yourself? No. I have this picture. I’m going to send it to you. No, I don’t want to see this. Yes, I’m going to do it. Do not text me any feces pictures from strangers. I’m like, oh man, wow. Are you sure this wasn’t from a conversation you had earlier in the day? Because this sounds like one of your things. No. I would not be into this at all, man. Show me your business. No, I do not want to see someone’s dookie, man. Are you certain? Because this really sounds like
this is not, no, this isn’t a call for help or something. I mean, it’s yeah so then, did you ever figure out the other lady’s problem the uh yeah i was just afraid to tell her what happened though there’s no way in hell, lady, that somebody sent you a toilet full of shit. Yeah, I’m going to send you this picture. No, I do not. It’s a dead cat picture you’re trying to send me for a while. I want to see any of your weird pictures that you get. No, I went to this weird thing once, and they were selling animals that had been pickled in jars, and the one had cut off his cat’s head. This is where he goes. He goes to some kind of festival or something. No, someone cut off a cat’s head, and it was in a jar.
And it was for sale, and I always said, Bob, I’m going to send you this picture. And he’s like, oh, no, you’re not. So, like, flash forward, like, I thought I was dying in the ER. So I started to send him, like, all these dirty pictures and stuff. And just in case I kick it, and I sent him, like, the cat, like, you know, he, like, freaked out. I don’t want to see any of your weird-ass texting that goes on. Do you want to see it again? No, I don’t. I don’t want to see it. I never wanted to see it. It was a real cat’s head in a jar. I think it was legal for people to sell heads of cats into bottles. I mean, I think that’s to be illegal. They said they were selling human bones. I go, I don’t think that’s legal, man. Right? I don’t think you can do that. Doug, can you rule in on this? Yeah, no, no. You can’t sell bones. I used to work at a morgue, so I know you can’t do that. See, there you go.
Yeah, you can’t do that. Look at everything. What happened to Will? It was a dead-end job. Will would stop by for a cold one. I did, though. I really did. I used to… I worked in a nursing home. So people died a lot. So you had to take them down to the cellar and… Yeah, it’s not pleasant to take their teeth out and stuff. Oh, geez. Oh, God. Not so many people do now, but everybody had false teeth in the 60s. That was over 40. For whatever reason, people rubbed raw sugar cane in their mouth or something back in the 40s and 50s and then brushed their teeth. Well, we have more fluoride now. I think that helps now, although some people don’t like that, but
What the fuck? The fluoride’s been in the water for quite some time. It’s not been, I guess, the 40s, maybe. Yeah, I don’t know. Yeah, but I can tell you, Doug, that I grew up without fluoridated water, and I still have all my teeth. Well, most of my teeth. I’ll put it that way. Look at King Charles. Yeah. Most of my co-workers are missing the sap. That’s a small sample size. Right. A small sample size. Small sample size. So you can find people that are 100 that have been smoking and drinking and there are hundreds. Yeah, exactly. Oh, my God. So it’s hard to say, but that doesn’t mean everyone can smoke and drink and live to be 100. That’s true. We had a New Year’s. We had a New Year’s Eve party and Greek friends of ours brought over a cake. And in the cake was a quarter.
And if you got the piece of cake with the quarter in it, you were going to have a happy year. I’m still like the baby in the cake for Mardi Gras. Gotcha. So I’m trying to be a jokester. So I say, well, what if I eat the cake and I choke on a quarter? And then my wife said, well, then it’ll be a good year. Then my wife said it’ll be a good year for her. Yeah, I was going to say. Your wife chimed right in on that one. Yeah, so that left myself open for that one, you know. Douglas Moody, the Henny Youngman of the new millennium. That’s right. Take my wife, please, you know, right? Yeah. So, Miles, did you ever fix this lady’s problem? I don’t really insult her like he did, sort of. Miles, did you fix the lady’s problem or no? No, I haven’t talked to her yet. Oh, okay. You’re too busy sorting through the shit pics. Okay. Yeah.
I was disgusted at first, and then I was kind of impressed after a while. I’m like, damn. I haven’t had a BM like that in a long time. I don’t know. It was hard to really say. Miles Title, PC’s forensics expert. That sounds good to me. Wait until you see it. Don’t send me your nasty ass. I’m going to. This guy sends me… This is not the worst thing I’ve ever sent you. Come on. I think my carriage is going to turn into a pumpkin now at midnight, so I’m going to have to hurry up and skedaddle. Let’s give a big round of applause for Douglas Moody. Thank you, Doug. Hey, thank you. Nice talking to you guys. Hope you had fun. Take care, Doug. Stop by anytime. We love you. Bye-bye.
I’m going to get drunk and watch Kill Tony’s episode tonight and realize how retarded these people are. That’s literally what I do. Do you have to get up in the morning? King Charles, do you have to get up in the morning? Nope. I get to sleep it off. Well, I hope you can show up for Was it Cocaine Murder Club 4? What is it? They don’t exist no more. That’s what I used to do. That’s how I started. If they did, I need to bring it back and just call it that. I was doing that after Chicago. That was my first virtual mic. There you go. They don’t do it anymore. Maybe they all OD’d. I don’t know. Oh no, the recording stopped. I didn’t hit the button.

This Week

In this episode of “LeMent Tonight,” host Bob welcomes comedian Jason Hafner, who humorously shares his journey into comedy at the age of 53 while juggling his day job as a physics professor. Jason entertains the audience with jokes about politics, aging parents, and the quirks of marriage, blending relatable humor with his unique perspective as a professor. He discusses the challenges and joys of performing stand-up comedy, especially in front of students and family, while also offering comedic insights on topics like weddings and the role of a professional bridesmaid. Throughout the show, Bob and Jason engage in light-hearted banter, exploring the intersection of comedy and academia. The episode concludes with Jason reflecting on his experiences in both the comedy scene and as an educator, emphasizing his dedication to pursuing comedy seriously despite the challenges. Gary Lymes and the Flea Tones provide musical interludes, adding to the fun atmosphere of the show.

Jason Hafner

Bad AI Transcript

Hey everybody, and welcome to LeMent Tonight. All right. Thank you, Gary Lymes and the Flea Tones for bringing us in. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Thanks, everybody, for being here. We’ve got our audience of one. I’m ripping off a man named Alan Havey from the olden days of Comedy Central. You guys know that reference at all? Maybe not. No. Okay. You don’t. That’s okay. That’s okay because we’ve got lots of stuff going on tonight. Our guest tonight is Jason… I’m hopefully, I’m saying your name right. Oh, good. It’s almost like half with an L, but it’s without the L. It’s just half. The L is silent and missing. Totally. Yeah. Totally removed. Whenever they came over from the old country, they’re like, just drop this L. Jason started his comedy career at the ripe old age of 53. He’s now 53 and a third.
He slings jokes around Houston on topics ranging from marriage to vector calculus. He’s a physics professor by day, which led it to his commanding 1.6 section performance as online professor number three in the film Palm Springs, circa 2020. Jason Hafner, folks. Hey, Jason. Hey, it’s good to be here, Bob. Good to see you. Okay, good. Thank you. You’re my favorite blue cat on the internet. Well, there’s lots. I’ve almost matched your cup tonight. Exactly. Whenever you lifted it up, I thought part of my head was going away there. So, Jason, lament tonight. We start out with some jokes, and I think you’re the joke purveyor tonight. Okay. All right. So I do a little set. Was that the plan? Yeah, that’s the plan. Okay. I should have read the script. Fire away. Well, so here’s the deal.
No, lately I’ve been thinking about how the country is so polarized. You know what I mean? And I don’t want to contribute to that polarization. I think I’ve found something that like we can all agree on both sides of the political spectrum. And that is that President Trump is too orange. Can we get together on that? Is everybody, I mean, you know, we all agree, right? I mean, even if you’re Trump supporter, you got to agree. If you saw him in a grocery store, you didn’t know him. It’s a, you get your phone out, take a quick, like sneaky picture, you know? Yeah. Do you have a Pantone set to tell me how orange he is? I don’t, I haven’t studied it yet. I haven’t studied it yet, but to me it’s weird because like in his first term, he had a nice bronze tan thing going, you know, and now it’s like, is he tanning on Tatooine? Like what’s going on? I don’t really, I see more natural looking skin on a bowl of egg drop soup. You know what I mean? So, uh, that’s, that’s been bothering me lately. I forgot how many minutes I’m supposed to do. Let’s see. That’s okay. Keep going. Okay. Let’s keep going. Yeah. So, um,
I’ve been, uh, dealing with, uh, my parents are getting pretty old. My dad is 90, but he’s doing well. He’s doing great for 90. He, he gets a little confused on the internet. He, he called me and he’s worried that my kids won’t be able to find a job because of a one. So yeah, I was like, what? And he, he’s like, you know, a one it’s taking over. And I was like, Oh yes. A one. No, I was worried he’s going to start using ketchup to help him run an email or something like that. Of course he met, he met AI. Um, what else going on with him? He, uh, I was trying to help him with his browser and, uh, he had bookmarked the bookmark manager. So that was weird. I don’t know if he’s like slipping or he’s a genius, you know, I haven’t figured it out yet, but, uh, but yeah, the parents are, are doing okay. What’s going on? See here, we can go a little blue on a little bit tonight, right? Is that all right? Sure. Whatever, whatever you do guys, uh, here’s one for the fellas, you know, one for the fellas. Um,
You ever, fellas, you ever at the urinal with your phone and where you might accidentally take a dick pic? You may worry about that. You should worry about it because it happened to me. All right. And the worst part is wasn’t my dick. I got the guy next to me. He was, he was not happy. Then actually he was cool with it because I showed it to him and I really captured it. You know, I really like perfect lighting, perfect combo, you know, I like that. I’m like the Ansel Adams of dick pics basically, you know, so that’s. where I am. I’ve been practicing a lot lately. I practice so much that I can open my phone two ways. Now I can open my phone like this, or I can open my phone like this. And it’s like, Oh, he’s been swimming again. So anyway, what else is going on? I am married, been married for 27 years. Thank you. Thank you very much. No, it’s, it’s cool. She’s a runner. So it’s kind of cool to be married to a runner.
It’s kind of like being single, actually. I wake up alone every morning. She goes to bed at nine. She’s asleep. We’re a few hours together over pretty much. So it’s kind of like being single. Also, distance running is an interesting hobby. I’ve never seen a hobby bring someone so little joy. And I’m a comedian, so that gives you some idea of what that’s like. She’s the hottest woman I know, though. I love her. She is the hottest woman I know in her age group. Let’s be realistic. I mean, in her her age group. I do support her in her running, though. I don’t really run with her, but I do carb load with her. Whenever she’s carb loading, I jump in there. I did have to stop running for an injury. I cut my tangents. That’s a running joke. I don’t know. That’s mostly what’s going on. What’s going on with you? Thank you.
Everybody. Fantastic. Thank you, Jason. Yeah, so what is going on? How does one be a – because you’re a physics professor, right? So you teach the younglings physics. Yes. And you’re doing this comedy stuff now. And why did you wait so long? Yeah, so I was sort of in, I loved stand-up since I was a little kid, you know, like trying to watch Johnny Carson, trying to stay awake. Everybody my age has that story of trying to watch it when they were 12. So I always loved to see him then. I watched it all my life. And I always kind of dreamed of doing it. I thought I would do it because, you know, I have like this career and I’m a serious career person. I’m going to have kids and, you know, I’m not going to go out and hang out in bars all night and have kids. But I finally got old enough and the kids are gone and I’m less concerned about the career.
So I just went to a couple of open mics and decided to go for it. So I’ve been going pretty hard for the past 18 months. So it’s pretty fun. I really like it. I’m having a great time with it. So. Oh, so you’re over 53 then now. Yeah. I just said you’re 53 and a third for, for funds, but now you’re 54. Yeah. Okay. Well, 54 and a half. Yeah. Well, let’s not, we don’t need to push it. I don’t really need to get any older. So, So as far as the career goes, I mean, you’ve pinnacled. You’re like, okay, nothing else is going to happen. I might as well go out and do what I want. Yeah, some things happened that made it clear I’d reached my limit, and I decided I didn’t care if my colleagues found out what I was doing. So I was like, screw it, I’ll just go do what I want. Do you have any – does anybody – I mean, do they know? Do they go see you? Oh, yeah. So what I kind of do is I keep the comedy on, like,
Facebook, Instagram, social media. I removed all anything professional off that. So technically you can’t tell where I work from there, but they’re all friends with me on that. So they see it on that, but you kind of have to post all that kind of stuff. If you want to be in the scene and advertising shows, you don’t really have a choice. So, you know, so they know, and some colleagues, I think most of them think it’s awesome. They don’t think they’re not, it doesn’t bother anybody and they come to shows and everything. So it’s mostly great. The ones that really don’t like it probably just don’t tell me. I was going to say, nobody’s come up to you and you’re like, um, Well, Professor Hafner, I think your offices are for performers of a different kind. That’s right. They haven’t said, you know, I heard that Trump joke about Bob Lumet tonight. That’s right. We’re waiting for that call. Yeah, all the many MAGA supporters in the educational system. I didn’t mean to risk your license with that. I should have cleared that with you. I’m sorry.
So you’re doing this, obviously. And what’s the end goal? Because as a professor, as a teacher, being afraid of the crowd or scared to get up in front of people, there’s no problem with that. Yeah. So what’s the push then? What’s the reason for doing it? So, I mean, you can’t. I mean, it’s really not just a hobby. I think a lot of people thought, oh, he’s doing this for a few months and he’ll stop. And I’m pretty serious. I mean, you know, there’s no money in comedy, but if there were, if I could make enough for this to leave my professor job. So I’m, I don’t know where I’m headed, but I’m going as hard as anybody else who’s trying to make it basically. I mean, I’m going out three or four nights a week. I’m trying to get on book shows. I’m traveling around. So I don’t really know realistically what I can accomplish, but I’m not like
thinking of it as just a little fun thing I’m doing. Would you say you’re going at it as seriously as your wife’s running? No, she is actually, no, I mean, yeah, she is a very serious, like she, she runs lots of marathons and she’s on a running streak where she’s run every day. I think she’s approaching 2000 days. It’s sort of, yeah, there’s this sort of people, every group of people that are running streaks, they run a mile, at least a mile every day. And they run these ridiculous people decades. So, so I guess she beats me. Cause I don’t go out, to a club every day, every night. Well, yeah. That’s probably for your own benefit. Yeah, because it’s rough. I mean, I think it’s rough at my age to be out at midnight or one in the morning with a bunch of 20-somethings. It’s fun. Eight o’clock class. Not everybody can quite handle the sleep schedule that I pull. Do you ever see any students while you’re out performing? Oh, yeah. Oh, really? Yeah.
They know about it. Some of them actually come to shows. If they show up to a show, I always swing by and say, we’re not on campus. I would never say that. The only people that would come to a show are people that are cool about it. I thought maybe there was extra credit. You’re like, extra credit tonight if everybody comes. I need to get some seats filled, for Christ’s sake. My rule is I never promote on Probably my greatest moment that I saw a student before I started doing it, I was thinking about doing it and I was in a comedy club. I just see it watching somebody and a student was there that knew me. And he’s like, professor Hafner. I said, Oh, hi. They said, are you performing tonight? And I’m like, Oh my God. I was like, okay, maybe I should go for it. If they think I can do it. It’s the added, uh,
anxiety because they’re there watching. And then, and then you see them, you know, in a couple of days and like, they’re like this, this lesson sucked today, professor. You weren’t even funny at all. I don’t complain that I tell too many jokes in class, which is not true. I don’t, it’s like 0.1% of the time, but I’ve gotten a little tangents and things. Yeah. So, well, that’s good. So then you mentioned you had, I think you said you had kids in that statement. And how many kids did you say you had? I have two. Oh, I thought you said you had more than that for some reason. I thought I heard a different number. I’ve taught classes with hundreds, but yeah, my personal children, only two that I know of. Oh, hey, yeah. That’s a comics reaction, right? Oh, that I know of. That I know of. Sorry, one hacky tit joke, yeah. Yeah. Okay, I…
For some reason, I thought you said more than that. What do your kids think? What do your kids think about all this? They’re old enough to think it’s cool. They’re not 13 or something like that. They’re in their early 20s. They’ll come to a show every now and then. It works. They’re supportive then. The biggest pressure I ever had at a show was my college-age kid came and brought two of his college friends. I was like, okay, I cannot bomb. in front of his college friends. Fortunately, I had a really good one, so it went really well that night. That was the first time I was really anxious about a show. Oh, okay. Because you had your son in the audience then? Yeah, and his friends. I didn’t want to drag his friends to his dad’s comedy show and then just crickets and humiliation. So have you bombed really badly in front of anybody? No, I mean at open mics when you’re doing
whatever. I mean, I’ve never had just a complete silence kind of bomb before, but I’ve had ones where I was like, that didn’t go that great. And then the guy after me just killed. So it’s like, it was me. I set him up. I put him to sleep for you. There you go. Yeah, exactly. I’m trying on all those kind of classic stereotypical comedy moments, you know, where you think you’re doing well and you’re not and all that kind of stuff. So, so, Some people say they relish when they bomb. What’s your interpretation of that? Yeah, I don’t relish it. I think I’ve learned that when you’re bombing, it’s an opportunity to try to figure out how can you get them. The key is, I think, to not give up. Just keep rocking the material as hard as you can. Just annoy them if you have to. And then you might figure out a trick to get them laughing again. I don’t know. I don’t like it.
So you don’t overthink it then? You kind of go out, you got your stuff. Yeah. You try your best. They say like crowd work is what you do when that’s not working, but I’m not good at that. I’m like a very like memorized jokes kind of person. I’m trying to do a little bit more interaction, but that’s not really usually what I do. Well, and your students would probably put that on your performance at the end of the year. He doesn’t interact with the class enough. He’s just talking to us. What do you think? Yeah. You don’t even know about physics, you idiot. I’m telling you. That’s part of my act is being a professor affects my comedy. Here’s my crowd work. Any questions? That’s my crowd work. That’s the whole crowd work. Yeah, that’s all I got. So then do you think that any of this helps you? So as far as do you think each is influencing the other as far as being a professor and also being a comic? Yeah, I mean, I think…
think the professor thing in the past, just being naturally a little bit funny has helped me in terms of lecturing. And then for the professor helping the comedy, that was just 20 years of being on stage essentially already. So they’re not actively currently helping each other, but historically they probably help each other, I would guess. I’m a little bit more in touch with what the youth is talking about, I guess, because I’m around students all day than your average 54-year-old. I like you do the youth with the… Yeah, we don’t see a lot of the air quotes anymore. Just so you know, Jason. I did. No, air quotes. You just did an air quote, didn’t you? No, this is clocking. This is like, I can’t clap because it’ll break my nails. Oh, okay. I thought you did an air quote there. I’m sorry. I do nested air quotes. I did that once in class. I had air quotes. I was like, like this, but like that. That’s nested air quotes. Oh, boy.
I’m learning stuff. My main contribution to academia is a nested air quotes. I’m doing parents. I’m doing parents. Parentheses. A parent is, is, is a single parentheses. Yeah, exactly. I’m doing, I’m doing whole code up here. Brackets, bars, slashes, forward slash, backward slash. Well, uh, Let’s take a little break with Gary Limes and the Flea Towns. We’ll come back and we’ll play a game. How’s that sound? All right. Sounds good. Hey, Gary, take it away. One, two, three, four. Thank you. Oh, it’s early morning. Can anybody remind that song there? You know what that song was? Anyway. Yeah, it was the Scorpions. Rock you like a hurricane. But I played it really fast. Gary plays it really fast. He does. Because they’re fleas. Yeah, I get it. Gary Limes and the Flea Tones. Thanks, Gary. Thank you very much. Bob, you are a great asshole. Okay, thanks, Gary. That’s enough.
So we’ve got a game here. I think you wanted to, oddly enough, the professor wants to be the expert. Okay. And we’ve got Will, King Charles here with us tonight, if he pops back up here. And King, you can play along with us as well. So you’re going to pretend, you as the guest is going to pretend to be an expert in a field that I tell you that you are the expert in. Okay. Right? And then I’m going to ask you questions and you’re going to make up answers on the spot. And I usually use a little bit of AI to generate some ideas here in the background. So I got to do a little quick typing. I wish I had some typing sound effects because you can’t hear my keyboard’s too soft. There you go. Yeah, give me some typing.
I’m still typing. Okay. I’m opening chats. I’m going to log off. All right. Okay. Jason Hafner. Yes. You are a professional bridesmaid. Oh, man. In a modern wedding, you know. Well, that’s the great part, right? So it can go any way, right? Yeah. Professional bridesmaid, and so I’m going to ask you some questions. So as a professional bridesmaid, you know, what would your advice be? Because you’re going to be integral to this wedding. What would your advice be to the bride and groom as they’re setting up their nuptials? I would say is you got to stretch. Be sure to stretch because you’re going to throw that bouquet behind you, right? You don’t want to pull a muscle before the toss. So just a little bit of this, a little bit of this before the reception would be my advice. Let’s see. What was the question? You’re a professional bridesmaid. Professional bridesmaid, yes, yes. And you’re helping with the nuptials, and so you’re going to give them some advice on stretching. That’s a good one.
That’s certainly a prep work that they’re going to need to do ahead of the ceremony. Any advice during the ceremony? Well, there’s all the generic don’t walk your knees. Let’s see, don’t trip. Keep an eye on the ring bearer. He might not give up the ring. That’s a tricky one. People don’t realize that. But ring bearers often won’t give up. Wild card. Yeah, it happened. I’ve seen it happen. Um, let’s see, what else would the bridesmaids say though? Um, pick a cool dress, you know, I like a kilt personally, a nice kilt. Um, keep the bridal party small because you’re less likely to have like a lot of infighting. You know, when you see the wedding with like 12 bridesmaids, you know, there’s problems, right? So let’s keep it to like maybe five or six at most. Even if you have cousins that you don’t talk to on his side, still got to keep the numbers small.
What’s your thoughts on a rainbow wedding? You ever see the rainbow wedding where everybody’s got different colored dresses and different colored cummerbunds? I’m a traditionalist. I need those dresses absolutely identical because you like to judge and say who can pull it off. Two of them pulled it off. The other three didn’t work. How do you handle the bridezillas that are out there? What’s your advice to wrangling a real bridezilla? I like a good tranquilizer dart. I feel like you need somebody in the back that’s got the dart at all times in case things get out of hand at the rehearsal dinner or something like that. That’s what I would go with. Any particular specific drug that you use in your darts? I don’t even know what they put in those darts. Forfolol. I just made that up. Pentafolol.
I was totally buying it. You shouldn’t have said anything. I’m like, really? Just make up a chemical-sounding word that ends in all. Where’s that on the periodic chart? I don’t know. No, that’s not me. They all sound the same. Laced with Mosconium. That was an old term. They don’t call it that anymore. I think it’s a big debate. Who’s older, me or Bob, with the references? I like to just think we’re both smart. Thank you, Jason. Yeah, that’s private. We’re so high. That’s what I was going for. I don’t know about… So as a professional bridesmaid, right, would you… I mean, how much do you charge? Oh, a professional bridesmaid? You mean I go wedding to wedding and they pay me to do a bridesmaid?
You’re for hire. You’re like a gun for hire here. Oh, I’m like a consultant. Yeah, yeah. Okay, I see. So the question was, how much do you charge, right? So probably the same I charge for a comedy set. So basically a dollar a minute. Okay, wow. If I’m doing five minutes. For that for the whole, I mean, these things can take weeks. Well, a dollar a minute. Or is it just for the ceremony itself? Yeah. that’s every minute i’m working. It’s a dollar. That’s only 16. You’re like a 1-900 number for christ’s sake. I don’t know what’s going on. That’s an old reference for you. Thank you. Kids today don’t even pay for anything. It’s like, I got a phone. I just pay for it and i can do whatever i want my parents um you’re like yeah 1-800 collect yeah um
So it’s a dollar a minute. That’s pretty, I think that’s a pretty good rate depending on, you know, you may not get called to do much at that rate. They had like a five minute wedding. You know, you show up with every, with all your accoutrement for five. Yeah. When I’m not booked, I just hang out at Vegas hotels and stuff like that. What’s the add on for the dart gun? A good dart gun. It’ll knock someone out running about 200. Okay. There you, there’s where you, that’s where everybody gets in on the upsell, on the upsell. What other upsell options do you have besides the tranquilizer? Well, there’s the dance lessons because I’m such a good dancer, you know? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. You have no idea. No. And I don’t. There’s all the videography. I do videography on the side. I just like to wear like a, like a tiara.
No, what’s the camera? I wear a GoPro. Oh, you wear a GoPro. I was going to say you’re a tiara GoPro. I offer GoPro footage. Yeah, so then you get those close-up shots of all the action from the stage there. What do they call that? Oh, yeah, from the first-person shooter? I don’t know. Yeah. One other uphill I do offer is if you have that problematic uncle a little handsy, I’ll just hang with him. I’ll take him home. Then nobody has to worry about him. Take one for the team is what you’re saying. I’ll hang out with them. More bad long stories, too much talking. Put that one out to me and I’ll take them out and everybody else can have a good time. Have I told you how I can recite the periodic table? Oh, tell me about that. Well, that’s pretty good. I think you’re well on your way to a third career here with this professional bridesmaid.
You’re going to have to get a business card with three sides. You’ve got professor, comedian, bridesmaid. Well, thank you. Now let’s hear a little bit from Gary and the flea tones and we’ll come right back. All right. One, two, three, four. Yeah, you don’t get any copyright strikes when they can’t understand what anybody says. That’s right. Now that I know they’re real songs, now I’m really thinking. Oh, I know what that one is. So, Jason, I mean, fantastic on the expert. I mean, even though at first, you know, there towards the end, I thought maybe you didn’t realize what you were talking about because you didn’t realize you were an expert bridesmaid. But that’s okay. Professional. Yeah. But no, I’ll pull it out real well. So I know you’ve done a couple of shows on Plausible. And I’ve already forgot the name of it, to be honest with you. My open mic is the syllabus open mic. Oh, the syllabus. So catchy. First and third Tuesday night. Are you still doing that? I’ve only done two. It’s a longstanding open mic.
I’ve booked it out for the rest of the year, every first and third Tuesday night. Oh, okay. It’s very plausible. I find it really great. Everybody’s very supportive. If you want to come try for the very first time, that’s a great place to come try. So did you do yours in the real world before you did the plausible thing? Oh, my open mic? I’ve got one show, one bar show that I do once a month. That’s like a showcase thing where I book people. So that’s happening in Houston. The next one is next Friday, September 26th. If anybody’s in Houston, what’s to come? Just watch my social media. It’s a small town. You can get around for 20 minutes. Yeah, just wander around. Like 3 million people. Yeah, this is a couple of folks. They stop by and we all get drinks. But then I do other shows. Those are the only things that I host. Then I just do other ones that I get to be on. You pick up. But did you do your first…
comedy show as in the meat world or in the virtual world? Oh, in the, in the real meat world. Yeah. In the meat world. So I found the online stuff when i was going to la and trying to find some connections and just people and what’s going on in LA. That’s how i stumbled on plausible and Leanne. And that’s really when i started doing, so i didn’t start doing the online until i’d been doing it for over a year. Oh, really? Yeah. I didn’t know this stuff went on so so i really i like okay that’s great i’ve gotten some really good friends and some good jokes i’ve heard. So. So I enjoy the L.A. part. Where’d you go in L.A.? Because, I mean, a lot of folks who are on the platform here are at the Comedy Store right now. So Tim Mann and Brain Damage are going to be doing a roast, unfortunately, I think on the 26th. But it’s just a short drive from Houston. People have to pick. You’re either going to the Comedy Store or coming to Dino’s. That’s right. And Pablo and Dino and everybody.
I get to hang out with them all the time online. I did the Kibbitz Room. I think it was the only place I actually got up. I wasn’t there very long. The Kibbitz Room, it used to be an old rock and roll room somewhere in Hollywood. Now they have an open mic. I think it was on Monday. It was on a Sunday or a Monday. Then I gave my shot at the big clubs, just did the bucket draw and I didn’t get up, so that’s okay. Okay. How long were you out there in California then? Just like two or three nights or something. I was there for a physics meeting. Wait a minute. This is something that I would like New York and LA. Now I’m like, Oh yeah, I’ll go. I need to give a talk. I’m working. I’m working during the day, but they paid me to get here. So now, yeah, I do my time and I got a free hotel room. So anyway,
I do that every time. I’m sure all open micers are like this. Anytime you go to any city for another reason, you all sort of like looking online. Sure. That’s, I mean, what are you going to do? Pay for it all yourself? Come on. Yeah. I did that in Scotland. I did an open mic in Edinburgh. Oh my gosh. I really wasn’t there for business. If the government’s watching, I have the receipts. There’s proof that I’ve been recorded. talking about physics. Yes, I was there for physics. How did you like it over there? Did people react to you well? When you’re over there, you’re the person with the funny accents and everything. It was a really good set. Did you eat haggis? No, I’m vegetarian. I had vegetarian haggis. I don’t even know what that is. Everything in haggis…
Everything in Naga’s is nasty gross. How gross can we make a veggie plate? As gross as humanly possible. There’s a lot of wet spinach and moldy bread or something. I don’t remember. It was gross. We didn’t go for the food to Scotland. I’ll just say that. Probably not. I don’t think anybody goes there for the food or the weather. We had good weather that week. Would you go back? Cause you know, Edinburgh has got the huge comedy fest, right? Yeah. There’s that fringe fest thing for sure. Yeah. No, I’ve never went back. Well, actually I went for physics, but I did schedule the trip around this open. It was actually, I’m just meeting with people when it was loose on the schedule and they’re like, what days would be good? I’m like, well, I’d really like to be there on a Monday. So I get to look at when the fringe fest is. And I’m going to tell those collaborators again, you know, guys, I really feel like we need to talk in person.
We need to have a meetup. Again. I haven’t done the festival stuff yet. You can apply to festivals and try to get into one and go. I haven’t really been trying to do that. Eventually, right? Is it on your list? I don’t know. I can already travel so much for work and just go to open mics. It’s kind of the same thing. I’m not pursuing that too hard. I’m pretty focused on Houston and and local like Austin and San Antonio and getting to know people around there. Yeah. Okay. Well, everybody watch for Jason Hafner, the, uh, professor comedian. Do you have like, do you just say you’re Jason Hafner or do you have like a little moniker? Oh, sometimes I go on as professor Hafner. I usually at the end say I’m professor Hafner. So sometimes I’ll throw a professor in there. Yeah. Prof half or half. Never, never gotten into the half that, that silent L joke. We’ve never, that was a riff.
I’m going to keep that one. That was a good one. I’m not halfner. I’m halfner. It’s the halfner. Well, Jason, thank you very much for being with me tonight and lament tonight. And thanks for sharing with us and being a fantastic bridesmaid. We all appreciate it. And I’m going to have Gary play us out. Hang on for just a minute. And we’ll see you all next time, everybody. everybody. Thanks for watching. Thank you.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Hey, Miles, why don’t you
out that wallet of yours? All right. Again, again with the sound. Geez. I can’t. I cannot do this podcast with these stupid things, man. I cannot. Welcome to the Stag Show. Miles, how are you doing tonight? I’m doing really good, Bob. How are you doing? Yeah, I know. You’ve got one hand in your pocket and the other hand’s making a peace sign. Yeah, I’ve been told. That’s what you’ve been told. Miles has been waiting for this because this is the big reveal here. I just got back from Alaska. And my arms are tired. Yeah, I’m cold and I’m wet. And you swam. Yeah. And Miles has been waiting to hear about this now for over a week. So you’ve been teasing me with these pictures of you jumping out of the water on the pictures. So I wasn’t, I didn’t want to tell you at all. Yeah. And my wife ruined it because unlike me, I guess she’s a more social person. And so she posted it on Facebook. She’s like, we’re in Alaska. Yeah.
i know your wife reads her stuff, I think. and yes so cat was out of the bag. I wanted to wait till i got back, because i just told you i was leaving. I didn’t tell you where i was going, what i was doing. You had actually told me a while back. Yeah, you did actually no because well i told you a while back, I think, that we were thinking about. Because it got canceled one time. So we were supposed to go and then we didn’t go. And then this time that I went was like out of the blue a little bit. Because you know why I went this time? You’re supposed to say why. Come on, Miles. Keep up your end of the bit here. Well, I’ll tell you why. I think you lost your audio now. Because I got a deal. I got such a deal. Will is going to have no interest in this whatsoever. I’m listening. What are you talking about? It’s way for it to get funny. I’m like, come on, man.
Douglas, on the other hand, is the demographic of where I was at. Because I was on a cruise ship with a bunch of old people in Alaska. Will will be like… I’m 42. I’m 43. I’m not young. I’m 42, just not in base 10. Oh, okay. Well… I’m always 42. Or 41. There’s not a person in the world that doesn’t want to be black for the mere reason that Will is the same age as Douglas. There you go. What the fuck? You just got to get your bases right. Yeah. Cocoa butter. Cocoa butter. Did you say cocoa butter? You don’t look the same age as me. I can’t. I’m sorry. So I went to Alaska on a cruise and I knew that there’s going to be a lot of old people. Yeah. I mean, that’s given. Right. But my wife and I got this thing where we want to get around to all 50 states. And, you know, two of the harder ones to get to are Hawaii and Alaska. We’ve been to Hawaii a couple of years ago. Right. And opportunity came up a deal like no other. And so we’re going to Alaska. Yeah.
And so, yeah. So we went. And it was crazy. I won’t recommend it to anyone if you don’t like flying or being on a boat for an extended period of time. Did you like the old people? Doug? Did you like the old people or not? No. I really don’t like people much at all. That’s why I’m a cartoonist. I’m kind of, I’m insulted now that you didn’t like old people, you know? Well, these aren’t the nice old people. These are the old people that are like, where’s my free drinks and where’s my free food? You know, and they’ll run you down. We’re not going to get anything free on this podcast. I’m giving you free exposure, Douglas. Douglas Moody, everyone. I’m just asking for a friend. What’s that?
There are no hookers on this boat. Oh, it’s probably loaded with hookers, Will, to be honest with you. I don’t have no idea. Oh, okay. If you don’t mind to have a 75-year-old hooker, I think you’d be all set. Miles, on one hand there, would be like, let me at it. I want to know. I’d be okay with that. I want to know, you’ve been swimming with a lot of old farts here recently. Were you just preparing yourself to be around with old fuckers? It was a conditioning, and you’re correct. I got my coupons. I’m like, that’s what I heard. They need coupons. I got them. Well, it’s all inclusive, right? So everywhere you go, if you walk up to the bar, you get a drink. If you go to a food place, you get food. You just say, hey, it’s me. Give me some food. Give me a drink.
pinching ass. Yeah, and they go, oh, Mr. LeMond, of course. I should have recognized you. There you go. We thought we saw you breaching the water outside, and we didn’t know you were inside. Don’t you have a show to do here in about 10 minutes? Where they calling you, Shamu? Show up. Wheel of misfortune. That’s a cell plug, but it’s going down. Oh, yeah. So back to this cruise. So you’re saying they ain’t had no young hoes over there? No. No young what? Young hoes, like 21 and up. I did not. There was very few people. You didn’t do no research. I get what you’re saying. Yeah, younger. I mean, there was like kids. And then there was old people. Oh, man. We got to try something. Was Bill Belichick on it or?
No, because his wife was younger, right? He didn’t bring his girl. He wasn’t there with his girlfriend. There probably was a smattering of young people on the boat, but not a lot. It was a lot of old people and a lot of old people who probably needed to be with an attendant. I like that. My wife says I should be. So I don’t know. Maybe I don’t know. Yeah. I mean, I’m a cartoon. I think Douglas is doing his Adobe character thing with this Mr. Stevenson skin on over there. So that way he looks a little older than he is. But no, it was. But it was still fun. I’ll tell you that it was still kind of fun. It just was a little difficult sometimes, you know, when the passageways were full because of the slow-moving vehicles and, you know, the parade of scooters that were going down the hallway. And, I mean, I saw Miles’ future in the hover round on the cruise ship. Hey, screw you, man.
Were there any trapezes in the bedroom or anything like that? Not in the one that I had. Maybe you can order that as an add-on. I’m not sure. I thought I was hoping. It’s very small. Anybody been on a cruise ship? Any of you here? No, I was on a ship, but that was in the 1800s with my family. Oh, my God. That’s going back, yeah. Well, history as well. A little history lesson there. Well, everything’s very small, right? They keep it all tight. Basically, we had a bed and you could barely walk on either side of the bed. That was how wide the room was. I didn’t pay for this, obviously. It was a very good deal. That’s good. If you and your wife are in the bed every time, that sounds good to me. Well, hey.
And the bathrooms are real tiny too. They have these tiny little bathrooms that basically the bathroom is not even this. And Miles has been to my house. The whole bathroom is no bigger than my shower. Wow. Okay. Which is, I got a large shower here, but that’s everything. That’s toilet, you know, sink, shower, the works. It’s actually smaller than that. Wow. No kidding. I told my wife, I said, because you step into the, The shower that was on the cruise ship was like the shower that Miles used to have in his basement. He may still have it. I don’t know. I still have it. No, you used to. Basically, you step into it and you’re rubbing up against the walls. I mean, that’s how tiny his shower is. It’s small. I told my wife they needed to have like a rotisserie, you know, like a rotating thing where you just step on it and then they spray water and let you spin around. I see.
That’ll be more effective, you know what I mean? Is your wife very buxom? Does she have a problem? That’s a bit of a personal question, Doug. I’ve only met you here about two months ago. I mean, you’re talking about going in the bathroom with your wife. I mean, what can I say? We couldn’t both be in the bathroom. I think that’s part of the plan here. Let’s talk about her cake. That eliminates Bill and Douglas’ need for whores and double it up in the shower. Does she have cake? Yeah. Yeah. No, but no, it’s very tight and tiny, you know. Maybe, but I couldn’t understand her and I wasn’t going to bend down to listen to her on the scooter. I like the scooter idea. You like the scooters? Okay. Yeah, I do. I do.
I don’t have a scooter yet. I didn’t realize we opened up the perv room tonight with you guys. I asked a real question. I’m sorry. I mean, we’re asking what’s on our mind, really. Yeah, okay. It was a lot of fun. We got to see Alaska, right? The funny thing is probably one of the best things that I took away was we start in a town called Whittier. Whittier, Alaska. And Whittier, Alaska is known for the fact that everybody lives in one big building. There’s a big building. It looks like a hotel looking thing. Literally, everybody lives there. It’s like apartments. That’s where you get on the boat because it’s an old harbor. I thought, this is the coolest thing. What are you doing, Will? It sounds like a perfect plan for an orgy. I’m like, everybody in one building. I don’t know. Miles, did you send this guy notes or something? What about
Was there any reverse cowgirl in the ship at all, Bob? Could you talk about that? I thought Whittier was kind of the coolest thing. And we got on the boat and then you go, you know, trucking on down the coastline. Where’s the church at? How about that? They didn’t have a church on the boat. I did not participate. I could have gone to Bible study, but I did not. How long was it? It was a week. It was a week, yeah. Well, six days, I guess. Six days, yeah. Wow. There you go. I’ll just take your questions. What’s the next thing that’s popping into your dirty little minds? You ever try the Rusty Trombone? That was like a light bulb went off there for a second. Yeah. I think I got him. Give me a second. He said the Rusty Trombone. I know that’s nasty. The Dirty Sanchez? Was there any of the Dirty Sanchez?
Douglas, you weren’t expecting this to happen tonight, were you? Well, I’m hoping to hear more about these 70-year-old women, but, you know, what can I do? I didn’t like taking it to the peephole or anything, if that’s what you’re talking about, Douglas. Were these 70-year-old women, like, natural, or did they have, like, breast implants and BBLs? Like, what are you talking about? I wasn’t even paying attention, Will. That was not my… He was. Your wife isn’t here. You don’t have to lie to us. Yeah, come on. Honestly, I tried to avoid as many people as possible because it’s really hard for me to go out and be in environments like this, so I was dodging everybody. So you didn’t see no double D titties nowhere the whole time? I’m sure there was. Just his own…
Were there any above the knees? That’s what I want to know. There was a lot of lap boobs going on. That’s for sure. That definitely is the case. My wife’s not here. She’s with the grandkids in England. That’s why you can get away with this. When you get old, just send them away to the grandkids. You know, that’s what you do when you get old. You send your wife away to the grandkids, and then you can come on shows like this and talk with a 20-year-old. How old are you? How old am I? How old do I look? What’s that? As an animated cat, I would say maybe you’re 40. Yeah, I’m the same age as Will. 43. How old are you, Will? Cocoa butter. We’ll go with that.
Well, my wife and I are both 69. Oh, shit. How does that work? Well, I told her we’re both 69. And I said to her, that sounds pretty erotic. And she said, why? And I said, well, think about how 69s form, the numbers. So she said, well, that’s three times 23. So I guess you want to have a threesome with a 23-year-old. I said, well, no. A little math humor going on here. Yeah, I didn’t really think of that. I didn’t want to knock that out, but I said no. So she said, what did it mean? What’s it mean? And she didn’t really know. So I said, it’s like a sexual position. And she said, did we ever do it? And I said, well, yeah, we did. And she said, when? I said, remember that time you had six glasses of wine at a wedding and you woke up the next day and couldn’t remember anything?
That’s the night we did it. She drank six glasses and they woke up at nine. That’s my goal. The secret to our marriage is that I know the amount of wine it takes to make her amorous without being passed out. I think that’s the secret to being married. That’s the key thing of your relationship, the tipping point, when you know how much wine you’re in. Look at this Cosby over here. You see? No, no, no. I don’t have to put drugs in a drink. No, no. My wife likes to drink. I’m actually a non-alcoholic, so I let her do all the drinking. So you’re a predator. That’s what you’re telling us. That’s exactly right. That’s right. Would you like another glass? We don’t need the big bottle. This small bottle puts her right away. I don’t spend any more than I have to. She just needs some wine, that’s all. We just need the three-buck chuck and the one-liter three-buck chuck is all I need. She drinks beer too, but she drinks wine mostly. Yeah.
You haven’t gone on a cruise yet, Douglas? I get seasick. I get seasick. Oh, no. These boats are so smooth. You won’t even hardly know it. Wow. Big boat. I get that. Also, my wife’s ferry cost a full week. Oh, in the shower. Yeah, that might be a problem. When we both get in the shower together and have sex, she thinks it’s too crowded. Yeah. I’m not sure. You know. I’m just saying that that’s kind of what she says, you know. She says it’s too crowded. Yeah. Probably because you and her in the pool, boy, somebody’s got to leave. Well, that could be, you know, I’m trying to get the, the maid, you know, I got to learn Spanish. Okay. Spanish maid. Yeah. Gordo. Do you have anything to say to the Spanish man? Gordo. Gordo. Gordo. I heard there’s like $1,000 in their country. Just give it to them. This is the kind of person that never knows English until she wants to ask for money or something. And all of a sudden, she’s perfect English. Oh, my goodness.
Oh, I don’t think anything. Oh, no, no. I give her money. She goes, oh, can you make change in quarters? I’m like, where did this come from? Give me a bucket right there. Goodness. There it is. That’s the way that they are. I just hope that ice doesn’t show up in my house. That’s all. I heard we get a reward. It’s a rumor on the internet. I don’t know. I don’t know if I would go for that. I don’t know if it’s worth it. I think it’s definitely worth it. They said something like $250 per and then my job full of immigrants. I’m like, man, I could be real and quit comedy in one day. There you go. I’m coming back with my first social break about it. But I’m like, yeah, guys. We’re all immigrants if we go back enough. Yeah. So are you retired, Douglas? No. My God, no. I got to work my head off every day. You know, I work in a coal mine. Actually, that’s not true. Okay. So guess what I am. Say, what do you think I am? You still work? Yep. A Walmart greeter.
A Walmart creator. Wow, thank you. That’s probably above my position, but that’s okay. Oh, okay. CEO of a healthcare company. Oh, no. You don’t see any bodyguards by me, so no. We don’t know. There’s a brick wall behind you. Well, that could be. No, I don’t have any security guards. I’m a professor. Oh, professor. Okay. Oh, that’s it. That’s why I just say you can still do that. You can still do that at this age. Oh, yeah, whenever you’re older. Yeah. There’s a lot of young professors who are like, I wish he wouldn’t. I wish he would just move on so that I can get a job. Nobody gets a tenure job until Doug Moody moves his ass out of the position. That’s exactly right, baby. That tenure, that’s a good thing to have, by the way. You hold him back, young professor. Doug Moody, you better watch out. I mean, it’s going to be, you know.
It’s going to get like Thunderdome there on campus pretty soon. These people don’t move on. You know what I’m saying? I know. I know. But we have some openings. Oh, you have some openings. Don’t worry about it. There’s a couple of openings for the janitorial services. That’s what I’m talking about. Is that what you mean? At the cafeteria. There’s a couple of spots I think they’re looking to fill. Yeah. No, we have to work our way up. Bob, you have to work your way to the camp start. What are you, a comics professor? What? Economics professor? No, computer science. Oh, computer science. Oh, no wonder he’s so interested in what the cat was all about. Yeah, no way. I’ll tell you, Bob, you’re pretty smart. You should be like a detective or something, you know? Damn! You really are. That’s pretty clever, you know? Smart-ass prof. It’d be like, you can turn your paper in late, or you strict. Like,
We don’t have any papers. We have computer programs. We don’t do that. We do AI. I was going to say, you don’t need it anymore. Your obsolete AI is coming in. You don’t even need the programmers. You just type it in. You go, make me a program that will clean my house. It doesn’t do it really the right way. You can’t really do that. It’s always the right way. You only get 80-90%. Then you have to read it and figure it out anyway. You could have probably written Yeah. We’ll see. I mean, I don’t have to worry about that because, you know. Anyway, Doug, did I tell you? Two decades, you know. You ever see a glacier? What’s that? Ever see a glacier? I have. Oh, really? Which glacier did you see? When I ask my wife to have sex, it’s like a glacier. Oh, Christ. Now he’s moving the sex jokes in there. Well.
A couple of slow-moving cold white things. Are you talking about my wife still? I thought you were going to get off that. I’m sorry. I want to talk about Glacier. I thought you were talking about my wife. I’m sorry. Slow-moving wife. Glacier wife. Is she frigid or something? Yeah, kind of. I think so. We have sex every February 29th. Oh, that’s fantastic. That’s what we do. It still adds up over time. I’m sure you can write a computer program to trick her into… Thinking that every day is the 29th. Probably. Probably. Leap year. You can hack the calendar. Yeah, it’s called leap year. So I think it’s leap year because of that date, you know, for me. Okay. Yeah, but we have a special, like, communication about, like, the name for sex. Like, we use football terms. So I call it the Hail Mary, you know. Is your wife’s name Mary? And she calls it, no, no.
Like Hail Mary football pass. And she also used football terms. She calls it second in inches. We both have a football term. You still scored. Oh, there you go. I know. That’s true. That’s true. She keeps trying to score safety, I think. But that’s, you know. That means you owe her. Oh, shit. Yeah, I’ll tell you. Bob’s had a few false starts. Yeah. Yeah, it’s really hard, you know. Rotate. I know food. Yeah, we went to a sex therapist, you know. Oh, really? Was that called the referee? No, to help you with your sex life. Oh, okay. So she said that We should do more of the missionary position. So I came home the next night. She’s banging on our priest. So I said, you know. And then the therapist said to me that, you know, maybe you should try some oral sex, you know, to get her excited. We tried that. And the therapist said, what happened? I said, oh, she started to choke.
So anyway. Was she licking herself? She started to choke because it wasn’t oral sex on her. It was oral sex on me. That was the idea. Oh, okay. Follow that one. Sorry about that one. I was a little getting late here, Bob. In the throat. That’s for sure. But luckily it was covered by insurance, like Obamacare covers sexual therapy. Apparently Michelle pushed pretty hard to get Barack to include that in there. Really? Yeah, that’s the rumor. You better have that in there, Barack. We need that. It’s even on Medicare. Oh, really? Chapter X. Oh, so do you have, you know, you get the little blue pill? Oh, no. I don’t take any pills. I’m against pills, you know. Miles takes it, so he’s not as old as you. Viagra, something like that? Yeah. Really? He likes to use it while he’s watching television. Yeah. Well, that’s true. You got to practice when you’re alone, I know. Well, old episodes of Three’s Company really get him going. Really? Hey, whatever. I don’t know.
It’s something you get old, you start fantasizing about having sex with Martha Stewart. Miles did that before. What? His fantasy has always been these older women. No, come on. It’s a shame. I look at the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders and I’m thinking, which one of these would be the best babysitter for my grandson versus It changes your whole perspective of things. I’m scared to take that pill because I heard it kicks in when it kicks in. What if I’m in church with that blue pill I took Saturday? Yeah, really. Now you can do about it. There you go. Hold on to your hymnal. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know. Well, you got to bring that back. I don’t know this week. I got trapped in an elevator though uh oh I was in the elevator, and everybody got out and heard this voice said real feminine voice, going down. So I said, I’m staying here she’s going down. But I guess that really wasn’t what I was thinking of the wrong thing, I guess. What do you do when you listen to Aerosmith Aerosmith
Love in an elevator. They had the whole lyric. You probably think of the Wings was Paul McCartney’s first group or something. I definitely was there. Here’s a true story. Let’s hear a true story. I was talking to my daughter’s 30. My youngest daughter’s 30. We were talking about the Chiefs playing the Green Bay Packers possibly in a Superbowl a year ago or two. Right. Okay. Yeah. Right. So I said to her, Oh, that would be good because it was the first Superbowl had those teams in it. And I remember watching the first Superbowl and she just fell off her chair. She could not believe that someone actually watched the, like you’re that old. You watch the first ever Superbowl. I said, yeah, it was 10, you know, yeah, that was true. But another kid, you may, I don’t know if you think it’s cute, but remember the, um,
Heidi game where the, the jets never hear the Heidi game. Heidi broke in. And then before the end of the, right. So my wife, I got mad. My wife is the only person that I’ve ever met. Your old girl who was waiting for Heidi. Like she was, she was glad that it happened. So I never, have you ever met any serious? I’ve never met anybody who was waiting for Heidi. Everybody always says about how they were upset about the football part, you know? Hmm. But she was 12 at the time, I think, or something around that age. And she said, I was waiting for Heidi. I was very happy that he took the stupid-ass game off. Yeah. It was taking too long. Yeah, so that was funny. We know a couple people in the football world who… Oh, really? Miles? Yeah. I have met a player from the first Super Bowl, actually. Fred Williamson. Oh, okay. Cool. Dude’s crazy. Yeah, yeah. They’re kind of crazy people, but
You know a guy named Pat Kerwin? Do you ever see or hear of him? No. He’s an announcer on Sirius XM for football. They do a football show. The other thing that’s pretty interesting is when they have those halftime shows and they have four or five ex-coaches or players or something and they talk about the game, he actually holds signs and writes signs for them to read when they’re doing that. That’s his job. He used to be a Jets assistant coach or something. But that’s kind of his job, which is kind of cool. My son went with him one day. It was kind of interesting. He went there when Dan Marino used to do it. Remember Dan Marino? Yeah. I hate Dan Marino. Foul mouth. Really a foul mouth. I hate that guy. I hate Dan Marino. Yeah. Well, I’m from Pittsburgh. What’s that? Because it means I know Dan Marino from Ace Ventura. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
So, yeah, he’s from my hometown, Pittsburgh. You know about Mechanicsburg? I stayed there for like eight months. Mechanicsburg, yeah, that’s like in the middle of Pennsylvania more. Yeah, it’s outside of Harrisburg, which I thought Pittsburgh or Philadelphia was the capital, and I came to find out when I went up there. I’m like, neither? Nope, nope, nope. It’s Harrisburg. It’s in the middle of the state. Capitals are usually in the middle of the state. Yeah, I was up there. Yeah, that’s cool. Harrisburg’s an interesting place. So anyway, where are you guys at now? Oh, I’m from Memphis, Tennessee. That’s where I’m from. Memphis, okay. The National Guard is coming in. Memphis, Tennessee. I’m from Levittown, PA. You’re not from Levittown. Is that an east side or west side? He’s a Chicago boy. He’s from Chicago. What, where?
Levittown? Is that on the east part or the west part? No, I just bullshit. It’s over by Philly, isn’t it? My cousins live over there. Oh, okay. It’s by Philly, I think. I don’t know. Let’s close down the show that Douglas has hijacked tonight. Everybody, welcome to Douglas’ show. Thank you. With his co-host, Will, Charles. There you go. Good job, Will. Good job. We’ll shut this down and then you can ask Miles all about his cousins where they put the hide-a-key. Okay. Good. All right. Well, nice meeting you all.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

writing for it on my end. Okay, recording is on. Look at that. Oh, great value. Okay. we can’t afford me up. So you have great value it’s uh it’s yeah you know what you know, it’s for poor people like me i know yeah okay yeah don’t you don’t have to say it. You don’t have to say it. Don’t say it basically that’s the drip tray at the cafe. They have all the drinks. Make your jokes go ahead yes it’s from the drip tray. Mm-hmm. Remember when you were a kid, baseball, you’d say, I want a suicide. That would be all the flavors from the machine. You ever do that? Yeah, I know what that is. Then it evolved, and you’re like, I want a suicide, last one, seven up. Yeah. Because then it would taste like seven up, because that was the last one.
Ah, okay. Yeah, I didn’t know you could do that, but okay. Oh, you didn’t do that one? No. Well, I know. I just thought you just put flavors in it. I didn’t know you could control what it tastes like. Yeah, if you put the 7-Up in last, it usually tasted like 7-Up then, as opposed to the nastiness that was all the flavors. Yeah. You want squirt? I want squirt. I did I didn’t do that a lot. I was the kid that was like, I’m not doing that. I’m not allowed. No, I was like, I don’t want, if I’m getting a free drink, cause usually the coach, right? So I’m not ruining it by having all these other flavors in there. Uh, you kids like beer, right? Coach butter maker. That’s right. I was in the bad news bears. Yeah.
I was the stats kid, yeah. You were Eggberg, right? No, I was the catcher. I was the guy with the glasses with the pen and keeping all the stats. I got to be jealous of you. I never actually was in any of that, so I’d actually be jealous of you. Really? You never did Little League or anything? Mm-mm. There was a really short period of time. Just be glad that you weren’t. Yeah. Because it was a really short period of time. My brother was like a really good pitcher for a while. Okay. When he was younger. Right. Yeah. So, well, because he’s really, my brother’s really tall. Right. And he’s got really long arms and everything. So whenever he was really tall, when he was young and the combination of, of that,
And being, you know, mildly coordinated made him a really good pitcher for little league. Okay. All right. Because he could like, you know, really step off the bag, you know, step off the pitcher’s mound forward and really sling that ball because he had this big, long ape arms. He’s throwing feces. That’s right. And so then I get, I’m, I’m, you know, several years younger. So then I get to be of Little League age, and all these people want me on their team because my brother was such a good pitcher. Your legacy. Right, exactly. They’re like, well, if Monkey Boy did really good, then maybe his little brother. Sally. That’s right. We’ll do just as well. I wasn’t as tall. I was tall, but not as tall as him. I still am not. And it was a big letdown.
I got on a team. I had no talent whatsoever. They’re trying to make me a pitcher, and they’re like, this guy sucks. You’re going to break it to him, and he’s shit. Nothing like your brother. I didn’t say I was. Oh, my God. This is hilarious. This is the funniest show. Oh, my God. I got this huge, huge letdown. I got built up because all these people are like, you got to be on our team, son. And I’m like, okay. And then like right during practice before the first game, it’s like, we made a big mistake. Bringing on that kid. Lord, us. Yeah. They’re like, I mean, it’d be all right if he couldn’t hit, but he can’t hit and he can’t throw. Could you run? No. Oh, gee. I couldn’t do any of it. I thought you were this mud volleyball guy that you’re always bragging about. You’re always like, oh. I didn’t do that later in life. I did it better. But when I was a little kid. Mm-hmm.
For Little League, no. I was just terrible. I was a benchwarmer, but nobody knew it. They all just knew my brother. Like, yeah, that kid can throw. He can put some pepper on that ball or whatever the fuck. Old Chuck’s pretty good. Yeah. So, yeah, he got to be kind of a star for a while, and then he kind of got tired of that. Then we got Christy Brown on our team here. That’s right. And so would my foot. And, yeah. I don’t feel so bad about myself. I feel good about myself now. I thought you were going to say what a star you were and all this. No, I was terrible. I became Mr. Right Field. Yeah. If you’ve ever seen WKRP in Cincinnati where Les Nesman gets stuck in right field, that’s me. Oh, okay. All right.
You know, with the piano, the violin lesson playing. Yeah. They tell the kids, you know, again, the coach back in the day, you know, hey, you know, the left-handed batter comes up to hit. It’s going to go to right field. Hey, center field and left field, move over to right. Oh, that is so sad. You guys shift. Shift over. Yeah, yeah. Bob, go all the way to the baseline. Yeah. Just stay out of the way. Now, how did I know that? Because I hated playing. I hate playing baseball. I hate it. I hate it. I used to. I mean, I would enjoy playing baseball whenever, you know. See, I’d play right field, but I didn’t know about that, but I would be so far out. I’d actually almost be like in foul territory. Cause I hate it. Yeah. So that was my little league experience. And then my brother kind of aged out a bit. I think he, as you know, other people got better as they got, he got older and then he got tired of it and, you know, but for a while there, he was, he was quite the, uh, you know,
sought after person right right yeah i remember because the terrible thing is uh i and i mean i knew my little league coach until he died. Uh, and my, who played for my brother played for him and i played for him and so forth, even though he kind of jerked to me but uh but yeah he was a neighbor. He was a neighbor and, uh, he was a a Uh, like a steel worker. He’s a tough, tough guy. Very tough. You know, a whole thing, right? Move over, move over, get your ass over. Everything was, you know, it was, it was very, I grew up in a very blue collar environment. Yeah. Yeah. Not blue collar, but yeah. I was always, always, always the last kid to get picked in gym class. Like no one. Yes. Yes. Cause I hated sports. Like I hated. Yeah. I was that bad. But you know, I had no coordination. I wasn’t good at it. I’m like, no, I’m not the least bit interested. Believe it or not. Believe it or not. Believe it or not. I know you don’t believe me. Well, I mean, you have, you always are wearing sweats. I just assumed you were a Jack. Nope.
Yeah. You’re always wearing the sweats. No, no, but yeah, I didn’t. Yeah. I didn’t fare very well in the, uh, little league. I, I had high, terrible to have your bubble pop like that. So young, you know, it’s like, okay. Yeah. Get your ass out there. Yeah. You know? Yeah. There was a lot of that. I did better. I do better in the non-competitive stuff, you know, where you just, that was my, Yeah. We used to play all the time in the neighborhood with the neighborhood kids. Right. That I could do much better. I was never any good at it, but you didn’t have anybody yelling at you from across the field, you know? Yeah. Right. Like a real game. Yeah. Like a real, yeah, exactly. Like a real. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I’d be more neighborhood. Yeah. So we played in the neighborhood a lot. Although like a lot of the kids, like,
probably be like six years older than me or older. So pretty much like my kid. No, there wasn’t that many kids like my age though. You know, and that kind of rolled around. It was like, it wasn’t really that many neighborhood kids, you know? Yeah. Gotcha. That baby boom thing, you know, kind of dropped off like. Right. Yeah. That’s true, I guess. But I mean, you’re kind of in between, I suppose, me and my brother, I suppose, in a way. Right. A little bit. Yeah. I’m only like a year older than you. What are you talking about? I’m just saying. That year was a big year. Everybody stopped screwing. Yeah, pretty much. Pretty much. So how do we get on this? This wasn’t even my story for the night. I don’t know. I thought it was your story. I’m like, well, he has no story. He’s going to go to this old, you know, the coach. I don’t know what the story is. He got a bad touch from the coach or some shit. No, no. He was always a good guy to me. I was friends with his son, and I would go over and help him with his computer and whatnot. What the fuck?
And he was always like, hey, Bobby. I don’t want him on the goddamn team. Yeah, I don’t want him on the computer. That’s all right. An autistic kid comes over with a computer stuff. He’s pretty good. But, yeah, he was always, hey, how you doing? He was always nice to me after that. He just wasn’t nice during the game. Hey, JoJo, come here. Always got carried away. I mean, it was – I think everybody, you know, this was before the age of everybody gets a trophy. Yeah. And I mean, you know, it was really a little hard on your psyche when everybody’s like, Oh my God, you’re, you didn’t say your shit, but they did everything but say your shit. You know what I mean? Right. No, you know, no trophy for you. You don’t, you don’t get a suicide drink or maybe they pin you and they’re like, yeah, you can have one, I guess. Right. You know, no, no accolades.
You know, you get the stink eye. Oh, what’s the batting? What’s the batting lineup? Oh, fuck. The men’s on there. We’re going to lose. Crap. Let’s switch. Can we switch him? Can we switch him? Is it too late? I’m going to hit you an ankle with his back. Yeah, exactly. What? We got to pinch hitter here. He’s got diarrhea. He can’t go on. Yeah, that’s good here. It’s like he’s been at the top level of the Avenged Sevenfold concert, not near a bathroom. Let’s see. Where can we put him in the least amount of damage? Right field. Right field, kid. Right field, kid. Put down the clipboard. Yeah. So, yeah. That’s how we got on all this. Oh, okay. That’s all right. That’s a good reminisce. That’s where it is. I have to be jealous of a guy like you, man. Well,
I guess. I don’t know what there’s to be jealous of. I got, you know, you know, the comparisons to my sibling there was early on and very harsh. Yeah. Yeah. Other than that, luckily I didn’t have that. Well, that’s because your brother didn’t even know what family he was in. I guess I’m here. I just show up for dinner. your brother with those kids that broke into that stuff last night. I don’t know about that. That was my brother growing up. Yeah. I don’t know about that. No, my goodness. I’m trying to think, I can’t remember what my fucking story was for this week. He’s so dumb. Yeah. I can’t I’m, traumatized, like PTSD here. I’m sorry I brought this up, man. I didn’t think I was going to wig you out. I didn’t get to play or anything. I played basketball too, but that was a disaster as well. I had enough humiliation in regular school gym class. It was like, no way I’m going to do some extra bullshit. Whenever they handed out the recorders, I got
traumatized. No, we didn’t have that either. Oh, you didn’t have recorders? Not that I recall, no. You know, the little fake flute things? Oh, I know what a recorder is, my friend. My kids played it, but I didn’t. No, I don’t think we had that. Well, that’s interesting. You know what we had, though, was the worst, like when we were older? Square dancing. I’m like, oh, my God. I hate, oh, my God. The worst. Since I can’t remember what the hell I was going to talk about, I can tell you a square dancing story from high school. Square dancing was terrible. There was this poor guy who was in my gym class. At that time, you weren’t segregated for levels. He was a year younger. I don’t know how they screwed up the schedule or something. Everybody’s mixed in, right?
and for gym class. And then, um, so we’re doing the square dancing and i had the, well, you’ve changed partners in your square, whoever you are, but i was paired up with my, uh, my neighbor who i knew and she was a year older. And then there was me. it was your younger well we’re square dancing away there. which I don’t even, I never have understood why they had a square dance. Yeah. I never understood that. I don’t understand. You know, we’re in the curriculum. Is this supposed to be beneficial? But, uh, this guy, um, popped a boner. Oh, he was dancing with you? Yeah. It wasn’t me. And it wasn’t dancing with me. He pops a boner during square dancing. And you clearly saw this. I was not the one who blew the whistle on this. Did you see it or did you feel it? I didn’t feel it. Promenade.
Well, you had to wear your gym clothes while you square danced. For whatever reason, sometimes we would do regular. I think they did street clothes after this, to be honest with you. But he had those gym clothes on. And so there was an obvious outline that became more prominent. Yeah. Yeah. He’s got a boner. Well, the terrible thing was we kept square dancing. Yeah. And he kept square dancing and trying to pull his shirt down at the same time. While all these guys were yelling boner at him every time they walked by him. And the girls were like skirting him. They were going around. It just goes to show you how much control school has over children. We literally kept square dancing while this was all going on. Boner! Boner! He’s got a boner!
you know yeah finally the coaches come over and like what’s going on here and they’re like hey kevin you go down and shower gotta take care of that, son. Yeah. I was like, I’m like, this is like a bizarre thing. I’m like, why are we still square dancing? Yeah. I kept, I kept going too though so i’m not yeah you know, this is how, and this is how, you know, things get out of hand quickly. Yeah. Keep going. I’ve never been an excited square dancing never been well have you been wearing your gym clothes? We had to wear gym clothes and we went to gym every day, first of all. Were the girls wearing their gym clothes as well? I’m trying to remember the girl that he was interested in who was his partner and I can’t remember now. I think we were allowed to wear street clothes for that. We weren’t allowed to until after this incident and then it was always in the street clothes. You had to wear red shorts and then
You had to wear a reversible red or blue shirt. Yeah. Required. Required. We were the Bears colors, my friend. We were cool. Yeah. Yeah. And there were those 70s shorts, you know, late 70s where they’re kind of like kind of lycra of rayon fibers. Natural, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, this poor guy, he had a lot of troubles. He had to pay his mother to cut his hair, this poor guy. Oh, wow. Yeah, this was really, yeah. I mean, he’s not out of school yet, and his mom was charging him for haircuts, and they were really bad haircuts. That’s a little weird. The whole family was weird, yeah. I don’t think my mom ever cut my hair. Really? No. I don’t think I ever let my mom cut. Well, maybe when I was really little, but I don’t think I ever let her cut it in high school. I know that.
I wouldn’t let – I just only within the last, what, decade or five years, what would it have been, decade probably, have let my wife cut my hair. Yeah, she does a good job. Prior to that, I wouldn’t even let her do it. I was like, why? I can cut your hair. I’m like, no, it’ll become a problem if I let her cut my hair. My wife cuts my hair all the time. Well, there you go. I’m not paying like 30 bucks for a haircut anymore. Right. Well, that’s where I’m at now. I’m like, oh, screw it. I don’t have that much hair anyway, so why not? Who cares? I mean, well, I have a lot more hair than you, but… That’s true. That’s true. I will concede that you have a lot more hair than I do. I cut my hair maybe four times a year, but I don’t cut it. Really? That’s all? Four times? Probably. But yeah. That’s weird. Yeah, that poor kid. I mean, he was really…
ridiculed from then on boner everybody walked by him boner hey boner boner donaldson look at him yeah oh god he had a lot of other problems though i don’t know whatever happened to him but he uh he was he was infatuated i just had to ride the bus with him too which makes it even worse uh he had this weird fascination with dana plato strokes yeah Yeah. How do you know this? Because he was on the bus talking about Dana Plato all the time. He’s probably the one that killed her. No, I don’t think so. Yeah. Didn’t she die of drug overdose or something? I think she did, yeah. So, no, he would get the Sunday TV thing and he’d cut her picture out of it and all that kind of stuff and put it on his notebooks and stuff like that.
yeah he was like, he was serial killer material yeah that’s way too much, yeah. He’d be like, I’m gonna date Dana Plato. Yeah. He was not on my list, yeah. Yeah, no, I was like what you know there’s I went to school with, I mean, you think that I’m the weird one, but I went to school with a lot of weird kids, him being one of the weirder ones. And then there was this other kid who played the drums constantly. Yeah. But there were no drums. So he would just… With his mouth, he’d go… Michael Winslow? Was it Michael Winslow? It wasn’t Michael Winslow. It was this kid. And anytime we were at lunch or at recess or whatever, he’d be sitting in the corner playing the drums. Yeah.
that was his thing. Yeah, he would just and it got to be the point where we’d be like, you know, hey, Ralphie, play the drums. And then he’d go, okay. Drum solo. He was so odd I mean he would try to do it in class and get in trouble, and then he’d wait till he got out of class, and then he’d just sit around and play the drum I’m Peter Criss. Oh, that’s a little weird. Yeah. We had drum playing kid. We had boner kid. Trying to think who else. All these weird kids. I went to school with a guy who was a genius. Yeah. I was kind of friends with him. His real name was Jeffrey, but everybody called him Skippy because he skipped grades. Yeah.
He skipped a couple grades, right? Yeah. So everybody called him Skippy. And oddly enough, he was okay with it for quite a while. It’s okay. We go, hey, Skip. He’s like, hey. Hey, Skippy. Yeah. And so, yeah, Skippy. Hey, Skippy. Yeah. But he was a nice kid, but he was really literal about everything. Yeah. Good old Skipster. Yeah. but he never had the boner problem or played drums. I remember. That was weird. But he, uh, I’m trying to think his dad was a professor. Oh, and then his brother was like a no good loser. Like didn’t do anything. And then Skippy was a genius. Yeah. It was weird. It was this weird dynamic because his brother was always like, had these, I kept seeing his brother after we got out of school and,
He’s always working at fast food places. Oh! Hey, Bob! I guess he just turned into a real stoner and as far as I know, he worked at fast food places the rest of his life. I don’t know. Oh, no. Because much like my sporting situation, his brother was so smart, everybody thought, oh, he’ll be smart too. No, he was an idiot. Ha ha! He was a total idiot, so then they all discounted him. Yeah. Yeah, but his dad used to – he was taught at community college, so anyway. He would play chess with people, right? So he’d do the multiple chess boards kind of thing. Oh, wow. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I played chess with him a couple times when I was at college.
His brother’s name was Droppy because he dropped out. Well, he was younger, so I didn’t have a… Skippy jumped up to our class, and so then we called him Skippy. Hey, Skippy. Now you’ve got me wondering about all these people. I’ll have to look them up. Oh, man. All I heard about is all the chicks you boned. I haven’t heard about all of them. This guy’s got a list. He’s like, ah, he does this. Just to clarify, in case anybody listening that I know, that’s not a true statement. Thank you. Mm-hmm. Not a true statement. It’s Skippy, though. Yeah. Like the peanut butter. Yeah. That’s weird. I don’t think we have a lot of nicknames for kids. I don’t remember. Really? Well, you and I, all we did do is nickname people in college. Well, that was different. We wanted to make fun of people. Well, what do you think I was doing? No, I don’t remember. I don’t know. I don’t remember a lot of kids having nicknames like that. Really? I had a nickname. I don’t think I can say it.
I don’t know what yours would be. No, I will tell you off the recording because it’s probably racist at this point in time. Oh, no, no, no, no. Yeah, that’s not our show. We don’t do that. Yeah, it probably would be considered a slur at this point in my life. Back then, people would call me that. I was like, whatever. Yeah, that’s weird. Yeah, well, you know. Well, we definitely went to two different high schools. I give you that. I give you that. That’s true. Go figure. Skippy, if you’re listening, send me a note. I’m sorry. I apologize. I’m sure I did some terrible things.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

It should be any minute now. I’m coming out. You know, just because Miles wants to hear it. I’m good. Hey everyone, this is Miles. You’re very subdued now that we’re recording. I don’t know what happened to you there. I’m here with my friend Jimmy. I wrote a book of poems. Bingo! It’s called How One Bullet Ruined Christmas. That’s a good one, isn’t it? It’s coming out soon. I think that was after he did Liberty Valance. Yeah. It’s a book of poetry about bingo, and that’s the last poem. Oh, okay. One Bullet Ruined Christmas. It’s all about bingo, but you may not want to hear it. I thought you were going to talk about his prison book called Jimmy Stewart, I Like My Soap on a Rope. What, what, what, what?
I don’t know where to go with that. I don’t know. I don’t know. This is miles. I just started. I have no, I don’t know. I was driving to Chicago. I was just, you know, you put together words. I go, well, maybe funny, like a name of a poem, like how one bullet ruined Christmas, you know, like, uh, as it seemed funny. I don’t know. A lot of people that, uh, have that one on their playlist. Yeah. I don’t know. You know, just thinking of funny things when you’re driving. I’m like, oh, okay, that’s funny. Well, speaking, you’ve just mentioned it. You went on a little bit of an adventure this weekend. Yes. Do you want to tell? I tried to approach you about it on our usual talking ahead of time. And you were like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no. No, my son had got concert tickets to a rock and roll program at Soldier Field this weekend, and I felt obliged to go. I’m talking like my aunt now. It’s funny. I felt obliged to go. Why not? Yeah. So I go out to… Go, let’s go. Let’s do it. And, uh, we got there, no problems. And we ate at our favorite restaurant. I’ll plug for a place called twin anchors, which is like the best rib joint in Chicago. Uh, it’s sinatra’s old place. You know, he used to hang out there. They filmed a couple movies there, including one of the batman movies. It’s pretty cool. It’s in the neighborhood, old town, uh, got to talk to the manager a little bit, you know?
Uh, I was hitting around for free cocktails and food, but you know, that didn’t happen, you know, and, uh, sure. But it is what it is. It is what it is. And then, uh, it is what it is. We got to see, uh, you know, the old neighborhood where my dad grew up at that was right by there in old town there. And, uh, we, uh, my son’s like, there’s a pop-up store. He goes, before we check in. Right. Yeah. To the fleabag hotel that we are in. Which hotel did you stay at? Which one? I thought we were at the Congress, actually. Oh, okay. Yeah, I’ve been there. Yeah, Congress. And I was mistaken. We were close to it, but we were actually not at the Congress. I’m like, oh. Oh, you weren’t at the Congress. No, I’m glad I checked my phone because I would have walked right in and demanded a room over the room that I didn’t have. Where’s my room at, buddy? Listen, mate. Listen, mate. I’m talking to Al Capone.
Yeah. Right. Yeah. My dad’s from Chicago. Kiss it. And he goes, listen, uh, it’s going to be a little bit of a hike, but, uh, there’s like a pop-up store for this concert. Right. I’m like, okay. And, uh, so we’re going down and you see everyone wearing their concert shirts, all these young folk, you know, all these guys in their twenties. Did you say who you were seeing? I don’t know if you mentioned that yet. Yes. Uh, it was called the very best of bread. So the band bread was getting back together. And, uh, I’m a big fan of the song. If, as you know, no, we were going to see, uh, yeah. Then why can’t I pay you? Oh, but you seem to know it pretty well. You know it well, my friend. Yeah.
No, it was a system of a down and event seven fold. Gotcha. Which, uh, I know just a little bit from hearing my son’s playlist. So I, I’m not an expert at it, but I do know some songs. And, uh, so we, we book, you put on your girdle and your toupee and you went to, yeah, I, yeah, I’m wearing some bears Jersey walking around. Like I don’t fit in like do to Luke. And, uh, you know, you gotta, uh, So we get down there and, you know, after being like in the disgusting filth of new Orleans there about a month ago, Chicago seems a lot cleaner, you know, like, okay. Chicago is a lot cleaner than new. Yeah. It doesn’t stink quite as much. I’m like, okay. Right. Yeah. I think, yeah, that’s, that was my experience as well. I’ll be honest with you. It was, uh, yeah, I don’t know if it’s safer, but it seemed a lot cleaner. I mean, actually Chicago is even safer. Yeah. And, uh,
So we get to the location and there’s a bunch of people in line. I’m like, Oh, right. Well, it is what it is. And, uh, so there’s these two guys ahead of us and they’re talking about something and one of them takes off and then the other guy turns around. He’s like, Oh yeah, we’re cutting the line right here. We’re stopping the line. What are you talking about? Yeah. We’re selling out of merchandise too quickly. We want to reopen tomorrow, you know, so you guys can come back tomorrow. We’re sorry, but, um, What kind of bullshit is that? Just sell it out, man. Then you’re done. I’m like, okay, all right. Which it didn’t open today because guess what? They were sold out. Oh, what a bunch of bums. That’s a video I posted there yesterday. The system was working because you got sent away. I was trying to bribe the kid with a couple bucks. I will give you the Washington Twins right now, man. He goes, what?
I go, you know, you know, come on. Come on. It took him a minute to get. He was all money. Quit playing stupid. Yeah. He’s like, nah, nah, I can’t do that. Nah, I can’t do that. Come on. I did that for all these other guys. I got too much money in my pocket. Yeah. Right. I’ll never be able to make it home. Come on. I got too much. So I’m like, all right, well, we’ll check into the flea bag. You know, I’m like, okay. You don’t want to mention the name of the hotel. I’m not really now. It was like an old hotel had been refurbished into like a more moderate one, you know, but you could tell that it was quite old. You could see like pipes in the ceiling. And so, you know, I was like, okay. Did you go to the, uh, what was that breakfast place you sent me to? Uh, I did go there. I spent like $35 for two breakfasts this morning. Yeah. Okay. I can’t remember the name of it now.
Uh, the chateau les shits yeah it’s my university of chicago downtown. Yes. Yes. And, uh, so on the way back, like there’s like people with, you know, like concert shirts and stuff heading towards this store. I’ll get you five dollars for that shirt five dollars so my son’s trying to be a nice guy and warn these people. And after about the fourth time, like, you know them you know, dude, let them just. You know, it’s on their own, man. Yeah. Screw them. That’s life, man. You know, life’s a big pile of shit. Just let them find out. No, no, it’s my duty. And I’m like, no, just, I’m a good guy, dad. I’m a good guy. Just let me do it, man. All right. All right. All right. You gotta do what you gotta do. You know, I can see my son is nothing like me. You know, he’s just trying to be a nice guy, warn people, you know, like, no, really. Hey,
I’ll give you $50 for the shirt. They got them down the street for 25. Well, yeah. Well, that’s funny. Yeah. Cause you know, there’s all these, you know, guys, you know, oh, you can buy a shirt here for 20 bucks. You’re going to spend 75 in there, man. You’re a fool, man. Buy mine for 20. It looks like it’s like big enough to fit like a toddler or something. This shirt. I’m like, who the fuck is going to buy this shirt, man? It’s like a little kid shirt or something like that. Come on, man. Nice. And so, yeah, we check into the flea bag, and, you know, the girl’s like, you know, you got to initial this three times and sign your name, and promise you won’t screw around. This isn’t part of the Wyndham properties, is it? That’s where I stayed at when I visited you. It was terrible. Yeah, yeah, it was, actually. It’s the Wyndham Wizard. Hey, Mr. Wizard.
I’m like, what is all this? Come on. Well, basically, you know, you, you can’t have a party in your room. So like quite all, all dead serious. I’m like, define party. Uh, you’re out of here, mister. You’re going to look like she’s like, she had no answer to this. Like, um, um, um, all right. I’m joking. Just give me, you know, you gotta get up the elevator. You get these crappy rooms. And like, uh, you know, like the view out the room is like some like horrible looking alleyway behind a bunch of buildings that are bricked up. I’m like, Oh Jesus. We got the view. Look. Yeah. The shit hole, you know, sweet home Chicago. They get the L the view of the L. No. Yeah. It was actually, I would say this hotel was a lot quieter than the Congress. Really? I’m surprised. Well, the Congress doesn’t make you sign any non,
partying clause. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But, uh, because I, when i was in the Congress, it was like a lot of like street noise, like a lot of street noise wants to party all the time. Yeah. So we’re like, all right you know we we chilled out. We left like, we got like a mile walk. We got a mile. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, it wasn’t that bad, you know, what’s mile, you know, for you. i’m Well, yeah. Well, we’re getting to that. So anyway, I’m trying to skip ahead. Sorry. Yeah. So there’s all these guys with bikes, like these bike carriages, you know? Yeah. You know, it’s like they could fit like four people. And this guy’s like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you two guys. I’ll take you fat ass, Mr. Fat ass down to the soldier field. And I knew, I knew this was going to be bad. I go, well, how much?
Uh, you two guys, 85 bucks. Holy moly. I go, do you think I’m Bob Lament? Do you think I’m Bob Lament with all this money, all this pimp money? I go, nope, nope. Oh, I’ll come down. I’ll come down. You know, I’m like, nah, too late. You blew it. You blew it, dude. You started too high. You thought I looked richer than I was. Yeah. You shot way too high, you know, way, way too high. And, uh, so I, you know, I’m fit like Bob Lament. I’ll just walk. Screw you. Yeah. And, uh, the walk was not too bad. And, uh, we get there and my son desperately, desperately, desperately wanted to get a shirt. And I mean, this, all the merch stuff is backed up like 200 people. I swear to God, like people are just going nuts. Like, Oh, this isn’t going to happen, kid. I’m sorry. No backstage passes. Uh, you didn’t get a hookup. No, fuck. No, no. You’re always Mr. Hookup. I mean, no, no.
I had, no, I have no hand anymore. I have no hand. Okay. And, uh, so I’m like, let’s just get some water. Let’s get a drink and let’s get a, you know, a place. And so my son tells me where it’s at. I’m like, okay. Okay. I go 400 level. I go, Oh, that’s a lot of stairs. That is a lot of stairs. Is there any, uh, stopping points, like maybe a water jug or something there? No, no. Once you get there, but, So we get to this, the section. Right. And, uh, my son’s like, oh, well, here’s our row right here. Here’s the, here’s our row. It’s like, uh, not it’s at the railing. I’m like, wow. Wow. I’m like, wow. You paid a lot for these seats. Oh, wow. You know, you paid a lot more than I would have paid. That’s for sure. Kid. Yeah. I mean, we weren’t in the end zone, but we were kind of, you know, in that ish, you know, ish area, you know?
And I go, wow, you know, pretty nice. You know, we’re all crowded in and such. And there’s like two bands starting to play. You know, you’ve got an intro band and stuff. Right, yeah. At about 15 minutes, like this guy and girl show up. Um, excuse me. I think you’re in our seats. I’m like, oh, fuck. Yeah. Fuck. I go, let me see your tickets. He’s like, oh, fuck. He’s right. I go, son, let me see your computer. Let me see your screen. Oh, fuck. Row 32. This is row one. We’re in row 32. Oh, man. You still got more to climb. Yeah. We’re about five rows away from the tippy top of Soldier Field. I’m like, oh, fuck. You’re like in suicide territory. Yeah. We got a 57-year-old man, overweight man, diabetic, with bad knees.
you know, you name it. Yeah. You know, ED, you name it philosophy bag philosophy bag yeah i know like oh i mean i make how did you not piss yourself because you were so far from the bathroom? I’m so out of shape, I make you look like michael Phelps, you know what i’m saying? I’m like, fuck, I’m just like such a train wreck. I’m like, geez Yeah. And I get up there aerobics you know. Yeah, well, all your nude water aerobics. And I get there, and, man, my heart is just like, da-dunk, da-dunk, da-dunk, da-dunk, da-dunk, da-dunk. And we sit down, I’m like, fuck. And it’s all these 20-year-olds, you know, like, okay. Yeah. It’s like everyone went out and bought, like, shitty hair dye, you know? Like, everyone’s like, I did it myself. You know? I did it my mom’s sake. You know, I was like, all right, yeah, you look like a stupid prick over there.
i hope that you didn’t, uh, say that to those poor people. No, I thought i didn’t say it, but. Oh, okay. Good. And so, you know, you got to watch the opening acts. I go, listen, I don’t have to go real bad, but there’s like no bathrooms up here. There’s like no yeah you’re in the nosebleed yeah you pee in your beer cup. Uh, I am really pee shy. So there was no way that was going to happen yeah I go, son, I’m going to go to the bathroom. I go, I may or may not be back. I’ll message you. I can’t. You abandoned him? You abandoned him at the time? No, he understood. Because I was actually going to see if I could sneak in and maybe hope that these lines went down for the merch, but no chance. Miles’ son is only eight years old, by the way. Yeah, he’ll be nine pretty soon. No, my son’s in his 20s. I know, I know. I’m just joking.
I’m going to say going down is a lot easier than going up. Yeah. Right. I could. So you’re grabbing onto the handrail. Yeah. Oh, the handrails, my friend. Cause I did like, see like people having trouble getting up, but it was like all women. I didn’t see any dudes struggling. I saw like women, like, Oh my God. Oh my God. And, um, You, yeah, like the 80-year-old Whitman, that would be your comparison, right? I know. That’s, yeah, believe me. I just, I was embarrassed for myself. I thought you said we were in the handicap row. Yeah, I’m like the, you know, Dr. Smith, you know, of the bunch. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
And, uh, yeah, I did take a tinkle. Yes. You’re a jerk. Yeah, I did. And, uh, I could not figure out the waterfall fountain. Yeah. I’m like turning it left and right. It won’t work. I’m like, okay, I go to a different one turning left and right. Yeah. Oh, you didn’t wash your hands then? I’m like, that’s because it’s full of soap. So I’m like, geez, I got like jizz all over my hands now. What the fuck? No, you have to push it down. You push it down and then turn it to the temperature. Oh, I see. Oh, I go, oh, that makes too much sense. Oh, okay. Yeah. You didn’t watch anybody else? Nobody else was washing their hands either, probably. Yeah, like I’m going to sit there and watch some dudes. Hey, dudes, listen. I know it sounds a little weird, but I’m going to watch you wash your hands. And, yeah, that would get me beat up or something. So I get back up there. You wash your hands so I can figure this out. And the second time going up those stairs, I tell you what, it was like, oh, fuck.
I go, there won’t be a third time. There was not going to be a third time. How are you going to walk the mile back? I’m getting to that. Oh. So we watched the concert. I’m trying to skip ahead here, so it’s a long story. You’re like, you wouldn’t believe it. There’s a stand down there selling Depends, and I got two. That’s what I felt like. Believe me. I’m going to be like those astronauts, you know, that killer astronaut woman that was going to kill someone. Yeah, that’s right. They’re driving in their car. Yeah. Yeah. So that was excellent, excellent, excellent. Good. It’s funny. Like, you know, like these very high energy songs, like all these like women seem to know, you know, you know, a tapeworm tells me what to do. No, no, no, no, no. Pull the tapeworm out of your ass. Is that a real song? No, that is a song. We just move it down. Yeah. Okay. I don’t think. Yeah.
Like all these women are like, Jesus. Wow. I think girls listen to this kind of music. And, uh, you know, the whole place is rocking. I could actually feel like the seat, like, I’m like, Oh, it’s going to be like that Kansas city. Fuck us. They had, you know, where that hotel collapsed. Oh yes. Yeah. I’ve been to that hotel several times. Yeah. And, uh, And, uh, no, the music was good. They had like a, I don’t know if it was AI, but they were like filming like the, you know, there’s big screens. So obviously you can’t actually see the people cause they’re too far away. But like, there’s one song where they were turning the bandmates like into devils. And there was one where they were turning into like Barbie dolls. And that’s cool. It was interesting. Yes. And, uh, so I won’t really go into the music. So that gets done. And, uh, it was very good. And, uh,
Now you got to get out of there. Now you’re against like 6,000 or 60,000 people and they’re all walking the same way. Right. And I’m like, this is bad. I mean, you’re just very, I mean, if there’s like some panic, this is going to be like the fucking who concert, man. I’m like, shit, this is. Oh no. Yeah. Jesus. And, uh, you know, I feel like I’m in the Poseidon adventure trying to get out of the fucking boat. I’m like, Jesus Christ. You got to dive. I know. I need Gene Hackman to point the way, you know, fuck Stella Stevens over here. I was the, uh, Shelly. Who brought him in here? I was the shelf. I was the Shelly winters of the group. Yeah. I can swim. Don’t worry. I used to be the dive champion. Come on. Look at this. Look at this. Reverend. Uh, uh,
So yeah, so we’re walking back and you know, the crowd starts to thin out. It takes a while and we’re getting very close and there’s a lot of parking lots. And so my son’s like, well, let’s just try to cut through this parking lot to our hotel. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, so we take like two steps and all of a sudden like the security shows up. Hey, what are you guys doing? Huh? It’s Chicago. What are you? Yeah. I’m like, oh, so I’m like, you know, like, uh, I thought this was our parking lot. Oh, you played it off. Yeah. Oh, maybe this isn’t. Oh, we’re staying at the flea bag over there. So I just thought this was our parking. I just like, fuck it. They’re not buying it. Fuck it. I just like ran like some little girl like, no, but, uh, yeah. So, yeah. So we made it back. We were okay. We got back by 1230. I’m like, that guy’s pants were falling down. Was he wearing a diaper? Yeah, no, I,
I make sure to wear a belt because I go, God, if I’m going up downstairs, I’m not wearing some baggy sweatpants. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, so you actually wore real pants. I did not wear my gray sweats that you love. Unlike whenever you come to see me, you basically wear your dirty pajamas or whatever. And you see me tugging those up all the time, don’t you? Yeah, you’re constantly being Chris Farley. I’m buying down by the river. I’m buying. So anyway, yeah, so that was a very, I know it was a long story, but that was pretty much the highlights of it, I suppose, of us not being admitted to the store and us dealing with the crowd. Did you ever get a t-shirt? Did you ever? No. No. You went all that way. You didn’t even get a t-shirt. Well, unless you want to get like a baby t-shirt from these, you know, seedy people outside. I mean, like, I got a shirt here for 20 bucks. Come on.
No, I mean, you didn’t, like, hang back and go to the official merch or anything? No, you couldn’t. You couldn’t. It was swamped with people. Swamped. Oh, my gosh. These people must be making money hand over fist. Like, they were giving away gold bars. I mean, there’s just people lined up, like, me next, me next. Oh, Jesus. Really? That’s just crazy. Yeah. I’m like, these people aren’t going to get to the concert. That’s why I never go. It’s just too much. I can’t even imagine how much the merch was, actually. I’m not sure it was. I would have had a nervous breakdown. Yeah. I probably would have. you know? Yeah. Yeah. The kids screw you kids. We ain’t going to screw you. No, I, well, I, you know, did my share of going to things like, but then, yeah, I’m done with that. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But I mean, like say goodbye to those $25, you know, official shirts, you know, now they’re probably bugs. Oh my gosh. What? Hmm. So you didn’t even take the, uh, the rickshaw back, huh?
No, there was plenty of them, but I, uh, no, no, which my legs hurt so bad today. I’m like, well, maybe I should have. Yeah. Maybe I would have been better off. But yeah. So yeah. Uh, your old uncle, Miles legs are very tired. Yeah. He goes, these leaf springs can’t take much more. There’s a weight restriction. You told me you were only two 20. Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant my power outage. Oh, yeah. I thought you just meant the bottom half. That’s the skinny half. Yeah. Nice. So going again? When’s the next concert? Are you going to follow them around the country? What’s happening? Yeah, we’re going up next week. No, come on. We’re going to Milwaukee. No, I don’t want to. No. No, once is enough. Once is enough. Are you going to any more concerts in your future? No. I guess.
rarely go to concerts i rarely go to concerts yeah i’m out yeah i don’t blame you. I don’t know, man. You know, that’s a tough, I admire that you went. because I mean, that takes a lot to do. Yeah. At our age, I’m just saying things are a lot different now you know yeah i mean but i’m like, I saw the pictures. I’m like, really this he’s gone to, I mean, he’s basically the top of the world right there. Yeah, I was literally, I was shaking hands with Jesus. I was so high up. Wow. You do exist. Holy. Well, I, I’m glad you made it out alive. Yes. Even if you, you know, lightened your wallet quite a bit. Yes. Well, next time, maybe, you know, go someplace else.
Go see Rod Stewart doing the classics or something, you know. Mm-hmm. Bring your own hamster. Never told you lately that I love you.

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, everybody. Welcome. I’m having a conversation here with Colin from the Nostalgia Pit. You can see that right there. Link. E slash Nostalgia Pit. You can go see it and check it out. I sat with you and your co-host, which I’ve forgotten his name, even though you just said it like two moments ago for a show. And I got you. What do you want to say? I begged you not to do this. Well, you kind of challenged me not to do it because I think I mentioned it and then you took it as a challenge. I feel like this is like one of those episodes of a bad sitcom. You’re like, well, I’ll do it. I will do it. And I’m like, no, you don’t have to do it. It’s okay. You don’t have to do it. I have a love for bad movies. Okay. They’re not all bad movies are created equal. But when, when, when I hear something that like, Hey, this is potentially the worst movie that’s ever come out before. Yeah. I’m like, you know,
that tickles my intrigue. I guess it set you off good because you’re like, I will, you took a challenge that was, I wasn’t even throwing down the gauntlet at all. I’m just like, yeah, this movie sucks oh yeah no and then you you said i’ll bet you five dollars that you won’t sit through the whole thing. Did I say that you did it’s on record on the podcast. I never remember exactly. So I owe you five dollars so we’ll barely I’ll get your Venmo or something at the end here. Set it up somehow. Or maybe I can just send you some swag. Whatever works. I’ll take it. So the movie we were talking about is the latest incarnation of War of the Worlds. This one’s starring Ice Cube. The kid from Diary of the Wimpy Kid who played the older brother, which I cannot remember his name.
And one of the Desperate Housewives, as well as some other people. It’s got a computer. And it’s got every computer tech giant program that you want to advertise. Yeah, maybe. It seemed to be reliant a lot on Zoom and Teams. Well, Zoom and Microsoft Teams are very big. Yes, that is big. But also, I mean, he’s on Google. He’s on YouTube. Oh, yeah. Facebook, you know, watching stuff on CNN, Fox News. Like it’s, you know. It’s an advertisement. It’s never. Yeah. Yeah. It’s an advertisement. All right. Well, I wouldn’t call it an advertise a good advertisement at this point. All those people probably distance themselves from this movie, in my opinion. But I don’t know about that. I think that I think it’s it’s it’s.
working in the ways that it needs to work because it’s generating clicks. Clicks are, it’s like, it’s one of those things where rage bait and like click bait are, are two real things in this, you know, commodification of, of information in this age. And so a lot of people will post things to make people angry and like trolling or whatever, you know, you see it in the food world. Or some of these recipes, they’re presenting it like it’s totally absurd. Or like it’s totally real when it is totally absurd. And then it gets the people going in the comments. And then they share it. And then people start reacting to it. But all that stuff, it’s the same as good clicks, bad clicks. Sometimes a click is a click. And so I feel like their numbers are pretty good because of how many podcasts and everything are talking. That’s all I’m saying. We could have totally fallen for their shtick.
stuff here with i’m just saying exactly you know they’re like how can we make this so effing cheap and yet get so much exposure out of it? Well, Rob said when we were talking about it on the nostalgia Pit, Rob, my co-host, who you know i forgot i totally forgot he’s totally a forgettable guy. I forget his name off and all i be honest with you, I forget everybody’s name that’s that’s one of my superpowers okay well i put my name up there just so you won’t thank you that’s why i can i cannot have to remember it. Exactly. He said that he read somewhere, I’m not sure where he read it, that it was like $65 million for the budget, which I find kind of amazing. How would you have done that? It seems like it’s the most cheaply done movie that’s ever existed. But maybe they spent a lot of money on trying to get the post-production, the CGI and all that, the aliens and all that.
you know, I didn’t make it that far. I have no idea what they look like. Well, all I can say is that a lot of people are questioning as to when this movie came out, as opposed to it’s filming, like it was filmed during the pandemic. Obviously, you know, there’s no actors that are really in the same room, maybe two actors in the same room at the same time at a shot. Uh, everything about that is very obvious. Why was it released in 2025? You know, like it, maybe it would have hit better, made more sense to people. If it came out during the pandemic. Well, my theory personally is that they were waiting for AI to be the generative AI to be, uh, become good enough to where they could use it in this, in the, in, in creating the CGI that they weren’t able to do for a lesser budget because, you know, Oh really? I mean, like if we go look at the, where are the worlds, right? The Spielberg version, right? The Spielberg version. Yeah.
Like the budget was 132 million. I mean, like not always, but I feel like a good amount of CGI and movies, if you want it to be decent, kind of costs a lot of money. But that’s why I think that they kind of put it on pause and waited for a simple generative AI program that could have done all that stuff simply. No, I hate to disagree with you, Carl, but I have to. Maybe that’s what this is all about here. I mean, I thought this was an agreement. I thought we had to agree with everything. considering that we started out with a disagreement and can continue this trend here. I think they made it. They thought this is the worst thing we’ve made in a while. Let’s not do anything. And then five years passed by and somebody is like, we, somebody is looking at the spreadsheet. They’re like, we spent 65 million on this piece of shit. We need to do something with it. Let’s throw it out on, on, on prime, you know,
during a dead time and burn this thing off and try to make up some money. That’s certainly very possible. I mean, I feel like, I feel like just with all the ads, they offset their budget. You know, a lot of it, like a lot of the people probably paid for advertising. There’s so many different companies. It’s insane. Maybe it took five years for them to get everybody. They’re like, we’re not going to release this until we get, you know, it’s 10 million from Microsoft, 10 million from Zoom, you know, Maybe they had to wait for them to build their coffers to where the 10 million was not a hardship formula. Yeah, I’ll give you 10 million. Oh, who’s in it again? Clark Gregg, you mean the guy from Marvel? Hell yeah, we’ll give you 10 million. Maybe that was it. Maybe it was just the sales part of it came together after five years. But I really don’t think that they were waiting on the technology because if they were,
Maybe they would have used it in other areas as well. I mean, for Christ’s sake, can’t you get Ice Cube out of the room? You know, they could have. He could have just been running in place and been someplace else with better generative AI and so forth instead of just sitting in the one room the whole time, which half the time didn’t even look like it was fully rendered. No, that’s part of the thing about it. It’s like, I don’t know if it was a creative choice to go with I don’t think it was, but I mean, theoretically it could have been argued that to be a creative choice to have like the laggy zoom live stream type of camera work, you know, that was happening in it. But I honestly think that it was just because they were recording on phones during live stream, you know, either FaceTime or zoom, you know, like it was, it was very interesting. I just think that the smoothness of a lot of the CGI at the end makes a lot of sense to,
one of the new… It starts with an M. I can’t remember. The generative AI software that came out recently that’s really good for videos. It’s been messing with a lot of people because they can make very realistic stuff. It starts with an M. I’m trying to think of what that is. I’m trying to remember what the name of it is. Once again, Rob, my co-host, he’s typically the guy who knows the most about these. Towards the end, it seemed like the smoothness of some of it seemed like that program. um since since i only watched probably about 10 or 15 minutes of this movie, I watched the whole thing. Would you, would you take us through the chronology of what happened? What happens in the movie? Okay. So it starts out and it is ice cube logging on to his computer at the dhs and he starts searching the internet and you think it’s going to be like,
pretty quick that he’s just searching the internet or something like that. But he just is the start of the movie is he’s just searching the internet. So what the camera, what you’re seeing is, is the computer screen, right? It’s like zooming between different programs. Once again, Microsoft teams, zoom, et cetera, all that stuff. Uh, Facebook, you know, whatever, when he’s just escape, the way it is shot, it’s just like window, window, window, window. Right. And probably 50, at least 50 of the movie. There’s probably no dialogue. It is just like visual exposition. You having to read what he’s typing, sending messages between fbi agents, other fbi agents, his friend who’s a nasa person blah blah all that stuff. So it starts out and it’s just him scrolling the internet and, you know, checking out on potential threats.
terrorist well that and checking in on his daughter. He was like, and also stalking his daughter. Yeah. He’s stalking his daughter at one point in time later in the movie. I think he calls her on the phone and is like using the camera that’s in her fridge and telling her that she needs more protein and she can’t have soy milk with the baby and just like all this like really creepy shit. And he’s, yeah, he spies on his kids and ass load. And it’s, it’s very right and and he he converses with, His, uh, I guess to be son-in-law or something like that, I guess. Yes. Who’s an amazon uh delivery driver. And that’s a huge part of the plot is his yeah and dude he ends up spoiler alert okay i’m gonna flash forward a little bit amazon driver here, there’s a point in which he stops the bleeding of a very vicious, like a very messed up wound that his wife gets. She gets a large
piece of metal that blasts off when one of the aliens is going by blasts off a building hits her in the thigh. And I don’t know if it’s the femoral artery or whichever the big artery is. That’s femoral down your thigh. Okay. Yeah. So I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s hitting that, but either way it’s lodged in there. She needs to get to the hospital. Ice cube ends up hacking a Tesla and putting it on a route to the hospital to where there are no, doctors because they didn’t have money for extras so the amazon delivery driver dude has to get there and he ends up using packing tape taping her leg closed and then being like okay it’s all good now she’s the bleeding stopped and it’s just like that’s as simple as it is he just uses packing tape and then she’s all good everything’s all good she survives totally even though she was bleeding everywhere like a lot of blood now i don’t i don’t want to poke holes in your theory here, but
I worked for three years shoveling boxes for UPS, and packing tape is a miracle medical device. And you can literally tape fingers back on with packing tape. I believe it. I’m not going to say that you can’t do that. You can use a lot of different tapes, right? Yeah. I get it. Basically, the only reason I still have skin on my fingers is because of packing tape. I don’t know. This is a bit of a side story, but… When you work in the parcel service loading trucks in the wintertime, especially where you have winter, where I live at, your fingers split open. Literally, your finger will just split open and bleed because the boxes take away all your oil and the cold weather freezes your fingers. And then you bump it on something and your finger literally just opens up like a pod and
from a horror movie, and you just start bleeding everywhere. I used to wrap my hands in packing tape to save them. I don’t know if I would do the femoral already, but I will say that at least it won’t protect your fingers. Okay. I believe that. You weren’t as impressed by that story as I wanted you to be, Colin. No, I believe that. Super glue is very super helpful. There’s a lot of things that staples. I mean, if you need to, you got to do it. If you got to use a sewing thread to, you know, stitch something up, you know, you got to do it. You know, I’m just saying there’s a lot of non typical medical things that can be used for medical stuff. My point is that I’m sorry. My point is that this, this was like a bolt blasted off an explosion deep in your thigh. I don’t know. I don’t know. It might not work. Right. Yeah. But just, and they were just like, yeah, she’s okay now. Bleeding stopped. And then she’s just totally fine for the rest of the month.
Was the Tesla have a white interior when it showed up? Of course. And then you got to have the blood smear on it. Yeah, it’s all over. And yeah. Proceed. I’m sorry. Oh, no. I mean, yeah. So skipping back, right? He’s he Ice Cube is besides stalking his daughter. He’s looking out for domestic terrorist threats. He needs to. He’s looking after this person named Disruptor. He ends up hacking. people describe him as a master hacker, you know, but all he does is just message someone on Microsoft teams that he needs like an IP address, or he needs like a scramble, like a way to hack into certain devices. So he’s just, he’s just sending messages on like zoom and, and text. He’s a master. He’s a communicator. He has a huge network. Okay. He has a master network. And so he’s just able to get whatever he wants at any point in time. And one of the ways that you hack into cameras, like,
just right. Right. Clicking it. It’s like hack. Yeah. You know, and it’s just the simple menus and stuff. It’s well, the scary part is for the government. That’s probably as easy as it is at this point. Talk to Edward Snowden about that. I’m not, I’m not saying that it’s not a possibility, but what I am saying is that it was ridiculous. Yeah. It seems ridiculous, but yeah, I think, uh, I think they’re watching us right now if only they’d be watching us right now. Yeah. I mean, Are they going to do one of those shadow watches and pretend like they’re not watching? Because if they want to just use a bot and get in and help our numbers out, because that would be great. All I’m saying is, you want to watch, watch. I’m putting it out live for whoever. Make it be somebody else as well. I’m sorry. We’re getting into the hospital where there’s no doctors. I flashed forward. Now we’re going back. We’re going back because he’s looking for this person disruptor, right?
He’s a really bad like he works for the DHS, but apparently he can get warrants for anything. So he finds he hacks the IP address of this person that he thinks is disruptor. He sends all the cops. He like he says, I need a warrant now. And he’s messaging someone. He’s like, hurry up. I need that warrant now. And like immediately he has like a whole SWAT team like swooping down on the place. Like before they’ve even looked, they haven’t like they can hack any camera. OK, anything, right? He’s always hacking people’s phones, hacking people’s AirPods, hacking people like so like anything. But for some reason, they can’t hack into the building and like look at, you know, or like they can’t see into the apartment or they just choose not to. And so they send all the people there. He’s a bad cop, man, because there’s no one there. It’s just like, oh, you just wasted all these resources. Yeah. Point is, flashing forward again, Disruptor turns out to be his son. Oh, there’s a twist for you. There’s a twist, right?
And his son knows why the aliens are there. He’s basically stalking his daughter. He has no interest at all in his son. It’s almost like Superman. Let’s see. My son was at the same place as Disruptor was. How interesting. I never put two and two together. Well, Disruptor, he’s better. He’s more techie than his dad. So he’s pinging his IP address off of something else. They have a very simple explanation. Onion router doing a Tor network. Okay. Gotcha. Yeah, exactly. And so he’s making it simple, but he is been telling everyone that there’s this massive surveillance operation known as Goliath. Okay. And Goliath is the reason that the aliens are there because the aliens feed on data and they need to eat all of the data that we are collecting. And so one of the things that they do is they go around to all the different, you know,
major cities and stuff like that and strategically drain all the data. So there’s like one point in time ice cubes on his phone because, you know, there’s a side plot here that he’s grieving over his wife who passed away. Okay. And so he keeps going back to Facebook to, to listen to this one very benign voice message. That’s like five seconds long where she’s like, Hey, pick up some groceries or some shit. I can’t remember. Right. But it’s like, it’s the only, you know, like voice recording of his wife. So he keeps going back to that. So as these aliens are going around the world and they’re eating everything, eating all the data, okay? Like that thing gets deleted and all of his pictures get deleted and stuff like that. And they never really, you know. But all of the data is being eaten because these things are strategically going to all these data centers and consuming everything. And so satellite systems are going down. Entire countries are going down, everything out. Like NASA’s satellites are down.
lot of places can’t communicate at all, but for some reason he still has access to every single camera and everything that he has and all the people he needs to talk to works great. But you know, everything is being deleted across the world except for conveniently everything he needs to do. And spoiler alert, Amazon, because Amazon, when the world is ending and these things are destroying everything, just put in your amazon order and i’m going to send a drone. new amazon prime air okay it’s going to send over to your house maybe that’s another reason why maybe that’s another reason why that they uh delayed the uh release of the movie because it was all an ad for amazon prime air once it gets to the end that’s the whole thing the whole thing is leading up to this one moment where amazon saves the world and i’m telling you.
Like the only thing that would have been like more ridiculous of an Amazon ad is if Jeff Bezos saved, just came down and saved the world. Like, like just, you know, just him swoops in, not even in the movie up until that point, he just swoops in and just like hits a button. You can have the blue origin rocket land. Hey guys, I heard you needed some packing tape for your wound. That would have made the movie better. Almost like I just, just the absurdity of that, you know? but the Amazon, so there’s a, there’s a part where ice cube at the end. So as I was saying, the, the aliens, they need data. So they’re going around to the data centers and they’re taking everything out the way that him. And like, so he ends up teaming up with his son. And so he’s stuck at the DHS building and his son is, you know, hacking with all of his master hackers and stuff like that. Cause he’s got a whole ring. Cause you know that he’s disruptor. Okay. Disruptor. And the, the guy who delete,
goes against the disruptors. They become one and they hack together. And so they figure out that they need to put a virus into the data bank that, okay. Again, Goliath conveniently located in the dhs building that ice cubes in he’s right there he’s sitting on top he’s sitting on top of it the whole time. It’s so convenient. So, um, they, they decide that they need to put a virus into that. So the, they will get infected, and then all of them will die. And if you remember… So they Independence Day-ed it. That’s Independence Day. That is Independence Day, yeah. And it’s essentially… Yeah, it is Independence Day. Did they use a Mac whenever they did it? Wow, did they? I don’t think they did. They did that on Independence Day with a Mac. No, I think… I mean, AirPods and a couple other small…
uh, uh, advertisements for Apple, but mostly Apple, not really in this. This is, you know, like you said, zoom, Microsoft teams, you know, there’s a, a Google, you know, there, those are like the main advertisers. Definitely. And Amazon. Right. And Amazon. Right. But yeah, but not, not so much Apple. Right. But I mean, if you remember in the 1953 war of the worlds, which by the way, I looked it up, there are, I think 10 different movies that have been based off of. Yeah. A lot. A lot of them. Not to mention the radio play that got everybody upset with Orson Welles. Exactly. But this is a very highly referenced novel and referenced work. The interesting thing, though, is that they decided to call it… Everyone has a different name up until this point, and they just called it War of the Worlds, which is exactly what
Steven Spielberg called it in 2005. Even the original one was called the war of the worlds. There’s a slight differentiation, except for now they’re just like, we’re the worlds, we’re the worlds. Just like I did it. But so they need to put this virus in. And just like in the 1953 version, if you remember at the end, they all just die because they couldn’t handle the bacteria that was in our house. I was kind of like, Oh, that was a convenient, you know, like little loophole. Um, so in this one, yeah, all you gotta do is like get it into one and it goes to every one of them cause they’re all connected. And so, yeah, like the Borg or something. Yeah, exactly. So, um, And then everything is all happily ever after at the end, once again, you know, gal taped her leg up because of Amazon prime. So he saves his, he saved Amazon, saves the gal because they have trained there. They saved the world, right? So they’ve trained their drivers.
to be able to, to act quickly under pressure. So that’s the most important thing about it. He saves his wife, his future wife’s, uh, uh, leg and life by taping it closed and knowing baby and baby and the baby, the baby is totally, you know, totally good. And then he also, like I was saying, so ice cube needs to get the, the, it needs to get the, uh, virus into the data bank. And the only way that he can do it, he can’t do it online. He can’t do it through anything else. He’s been doing that the whole time. He’s been doing it the whole time, but he needs to get to this specific data bank. He has to go in and hardwire it, right? So they need to get the virus on a thumb drive. But because he works at DHS, they can’t have thumb drives. They can’t bring stuff in, you know, theoretically, or take stuff out, right? It’s a security risk to give anyone a thumb drive or the ability to remove anything from these computers. And I was like, okay, that makes sense, right?
And so he’s like, Oh, the, the, the Amazon driver’s like, okay, I can get you a thumb drive. I, you know, cause he has one on him for whatever reason. Well, they give them away like candy. Yeah. Well, so he’s going to just has one in his pocket and he’s like, okay, but I need you to go put in a prime order right now. And so he puts in a prime order for this. I’m telling you like, like the aliens are blasting into the building that he’s in. Yeah. He needs to get the virus. Like the stakes are high. Like bombs are potential. Like, F like like fighter jets are potentially coming to bomb the place to prevent the aliens from getting into it and kill the aliens. And so everything is going to happen. And he’s like, I need this USB drive. So the guy’s like, put in a prime order right now and I will get this to you via, you know, like via drone. And so he’s flying the drone, gets it through the blasting aliens into the building. He gets the USB drive, ends up putting it in the thing. And so Amazon saves the world.
And they’re all happily ever after. Everything’s happy. Happy, happy. I can, yeah. Totally believable. So believable. Amazon saves lives, saves the world. Saves everything, yeah. And he probably got, if DoorDash would have been on board, he would have got some Chinese food or something. I mean, I’m surprised there was no DoorDash or anything like that. Uber Eats? Uber Eats. You should have gotten a delivery like at some point into the DHS building from like the DoorDash guy. Yeah. All of a sudden Jake from State Farms there. Like I’m telling you, you could have gone harder into the ads if you wanted to, but this was definitely. I’m surprised Amazon doesn’t have a food. I mean, they do deliver groceries, but have like a, you know, restaurant delivery service. I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t own. I wouldn’t be surprised if they don’t like own one of them. Grubhub or something, you know? Yeah.
trying there’s a bunch of different ones. What was the um postmates yeah postmates is a really old one. I don’t know if people even know that no people still use Postmates. Do they? Okay. Not as much they’re they’re like i feel like a lot of people were using them and now it’s it oh that’s a good point. there’s a good point. Okay, now we gotta look up who owns postmates because that’s the odd man out here. Okay, so grubhub is owned by Wonder, which is a new york based food haul delivery chain. Okay. So who owns Postmates? Are you looking that up? I’m looking it up. If I can, if it’s one word or two word, that’s what I was thinking. Oh, it was always founded by Bastion layman, Sean place and Sam street in 2019. Oh, currently a subsidiary of Uber. Uber eats his Postmates. Okay. So they ate it up. So that makes sense here. Can I don’t use DoorDash. And for the reason that it is a publicly traded company,
Owned by its shareholders, significant institutional holders include Vanguard, BlackRock, and JP Morgan. That’s funny. Interesting. Well, I don’t use DoorDash for the mere reason that every time I’ve ever seen a DoorDash person at a restaurant, they take your food into the bathroom. Wow. I’ve never seen that. You’ve never seen it? I’ve never seen it. And not just here where I live. I was in Chicago once. i went to Chipotle, door guy comes in, gets his order, goes right into the bathroom with it. I’m like, what did i just what did i just see he couldn’t have gone to the bathroom first? Yeah, that’s up dude yeah and then i saw it i saw it closer to home, too, on St. Louis. I saw a doordash guy come in, grab the food, go to the bathroom.
We’re saying the door dash drivers out there must be built different. Cause I ain’t never seen that. And I’ve worked in a lot of restaurants that had them coming in. Well, I don’t know. They got to pee a lot. I don’t know what they were. I didn’t time them. If I, as a person working at the restaurant saw that happen, I’d be like, yo dude, no, I would flag that shit because you don’t want that person getting sick. Cause it’s going to be more food, right? Well, there’s a sticker on it. So it’s all good. It’s true. But, Still, bro, I mean, that is but yeah, I’ve seen it multiple times now in various places, and I’m like, no, I don’t want to have anything to do. I mean this you know this person the chances are too high, even though, you know, it’s probably infinitesimal, the percentages, but I’m like I don’t I’m going to be the guy who gets it you know it’s part of it is that like part of it is like yeah it might not even be likely that you’re going to actually get any bacteria from that, but
The other side of it and the bigger part of it is a person who’s willing to do that. I don’t know if I want them touching. Exactly. With no thought. Yeah. At the very least, my, you know, instinct is I don’t even take like if I’m finished eating, I don’t even take a drink to the bathroom. I do. That’s my instinct is to take nothing to the bathroom. But what I myself, I would I would get naked to go to the bathroom if it was publicly. Okay. Well, I mean, if you can lock the door, then I mean. Well, no, but once you’re in, you’re in. Oh, so you’re saying you need like a mudroom for the bathroom. You need an enclosed mudroom. Oh, yeah, especially in a public bathroom, for Christ’s sake. Also calling it a mudroom to get into the bathroom is just kind of funny, right? Yeah. It’s just kind of funny. But I mean, you know, we need this separation, space separation, right? Yeah.
but I, maybe I’m a little germaphobe or something, but yeah, I need one of those where you step in, it’s like Silkwood or something where you get hosed off and then you go to the, but you come back and get hosed off and then you go out. So, I mean, did you ever see that show? The league? Yeah. Yeah. They like, didn’t he give him like a bathroom cubby, like a wedding as a wedding gift or something? Like one of the guys gave him like a bathroom. I don’t think I saw that. I didn’t watch the whole series. Okay. I feel like there was an episode that, had something like that where there was a person that was like germaphobic that was like, now you don’t have to bring your cell phones into the bathroom. And so, because they were talking about like poop on the screen, you know, which is- Right, exactly. Right. Just from, you know, nowadays, you know, it’s like the newspaper, you know, used to be the thing. Now it’s just the phone. Right. Right. Yeah, exactly. And you got, you know, fecal matter flying. The Mythbusters did that thing with the toothbrushes and the fecal matter. Oh, that sounds fun. Yeah. I like that.
And I think it tested. I believe it. You don’t want to keep your toothbrushes too close to the toilet is what they said. Yeah. Because when you flush, stuff just goes everywhere. I mean, it’s microscopic, but. Yeah, that’s why I’m always skeptical of the toilets that don’t have the top lid. Like when you go to the public bathrooms, you know, there’s no way. It’s just just that. Yeah. Anyway, we’re way off topic on this one. So but. we are talking about viruses in a way, kind of, but anyway, I mean, yeah, this is, this is viral. Talking about shit on a podcast. So the yeah. So, I mean, but did the movie pick up after about the first 25 minutes or so? No, not really. Like, like I said, it was probably about 50% actual dialogue and communicating with people, like people communicating between each other.
a lot of it actually, I’m sorry, it was communicating with other people, but it was like tech, you know, you didn’t want to employ extras, you know, it’s much easier to just message people and have them message them. There’s so many ridiculous aspects to this movie. The one thing that I will say is a, not a negative, but a neutral. Okay. There’s one thing that I think there’s a neutral about this movie. I want to give it, Points for originality, even if that originality is absolute garbage. They made a garbage sculpture, almost. Not a sculpture. I mean, a different type of garbage. I don’t know. I’m going to give it points. Not a point, but a neutral point. It doesn’t help anything. It doesn’t push anything up. But I’m saying, I’ve never seen anything like it.
I never will see anything like it again. I’m not saying that people might not try to copy this as like a cheap way to do something like this, but I will say that I will never watch anything like it again. So if I start watching something and it is like this skip, you know what I mean? It’s even if you get challenged. No, because if it’s replicable, like if it’s, if someone can do something like this again and they’re going to try to do something like it again, it’s, it won’t have nearly the, the charm of something new that this had. Right. Because like I said, points for something like doing something that I have never seen anyone do before. Right. I don’t think, I think there’s a reason that no one has ever done it before because it’s not good, but it’s like, I will never, I’ll never watch it again, you know, and I’ll never watch anything like it again because if,
something starts like that, I’m definitely not sticking with it through the end, not for $5, maybe for like a couple thousand. You know what I mean? So, yeah, I got, I got you. I got it early. So I got it cheap is what you’re saying. Yeah. Well, I’m just saying anything like this specifically again, you know, uh, it’s that being said as stupid, as ridiculous as it was. Um, I’ve heard, there’s a lot of people that have been talking about it. Um, a podcast that I work on called Cinephobe. Uh, they, they just put up, they, they have a segment called this, uh, look at this photograph, um, where they take, you know, photos from every movie that they do. And their whole gimmick of their podcast is 40% or under on rotten tomatoes. And they give it a fair, you know, look at it to try to ascertain if a fair shake or not, you know,
And so they did look at this photograph on war of the worlds. And I think the episode will be out later, but they had to put that out early, but some, it there’s, there’s so much that you can analyze about this movie where it’s like, there’s clear Photoshop, clearly horrible, bad green screen that everything about it. I think that the person you sent me a message where it was a person, um, breaking it down and being like, you know, one out of 10 for this score, I think that person was actually too. generous, generous in most, in most instances, this movie was like truly awful, right? The sound design was horrible. Like there’s a sound that the aliens make that is, you know, fucks with people’s eardrums and stuff. And that shit is so loud in comparison to everything else. Like it was not normalized. Um, it was not professionally sound design. Like there’s edited. Well, there’s, there’s shit like that. A lot of it. Yeah. It’s like,
blatant green screen and like really bad green screen too. Like, I think that, uh, there is a scene where it’s the president of the, of the United States. And I think that it’s honestly just like one, a zoom background that is the oval office. I don’t even think it’s green. Like I’m telling you, that’s great. That’s great. I’m saying, so there’s like things like that where it’s like, Jesus Christ, this is awful, but I’m kind of glad that I, witnessed it so i have this this cultural reference point that that is going to be referenced by a lot of people moving forward you know that being said i don’t know i don’t know you know the funny thing is the guy who they had playing the president is a comedian um yeah jim mess messican and he’s also been in a lot of commercials yeah
Well, that’s the thing, you know, a lot of these actors, especially like not a lit, maybe even some a list actors are like actors at their ultimate height are just doing commercials now because there’s so much more money in commercials than there is. Yeah. Yeah. Because the way that like, they haven’t figured out how to like commodify the streaming as, as much as they want to, uh, they’re like working on it. But right now, like you can, it’s just, it’s shrunk on how many, uh, uh, big contracts they’re putting out. It’s not going to be like robert downey Jr. making like 40 million a movie. I don’t think as many people are making like that much money per movie. Right. Yeah. No, I think you’re right. I think uh well i think that uh that aspect of things has really changed a lot because the box office isn’t there and streaming is not as profitable as uh dvds were
You know what I did see in the theaters a couple days ago that thrilled me beyond all of my wildest dreams. Made me very happy. I saw the 35th anniversary retro screening of the classic 1990 movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. The first one? The first one in theaters. Oh, okay. Yeah, they’re doing a lot of that here lately, so. Yeah. Yeah. It was all over. Right. It was all over. I’m 36 years old. I grew up on that movie, but i was too young to see it in the theaters and be cognizant of it you know oh really so you just saw it on TV. I’d only seen it on v i’d watched the vhs all the time when i was a kid. Yeah. Oh, okay. And then i watched it on streaming. Right. So I got to see it in theaters. So I’m saying i do love a good theater experience i’ve seen i you know, my partner, she loves,
movies in the theater. So we go see a decent amount. And yeah, I, but I, I do completely recognize because when I was a kid, you had to wait in line for these movies, you know, like, I mean, now you have secure, you know, reserved seating, which helps. Right. Yeah. Which in all honesty, that’s a change that I love. I wish you could have reserved seating back when, but back, remember back when we used to just stand in line. Yes. Hopefully the movie hasn’t been sold out yet. I did that many, many times. So much different about it. But it was fun. I mean, yeah, you had to watch a movie from the side corner in a seat that you would never choose. Now, anytime I go to a movie, I’m dead center, back row, exactly where I want to be. Just because there’s not really… I think the reserved seating move was because they weren’t selling out the movies, and so it sounds like it’s more exclusive. So, oh, reserved seating. So if you want to…
get your seat that you want. You got to get in now. It’s just another way to, to goose people into going to the movies a little bit. Yeah. Interesting. So obviously this didn’t play at the theaters. If it was at the theaters, would you say that your experience would have been even worse? Oh, infinitely worse, infinitely worse because I watched this movie front to back. Okay. So once to preface it, I was started talking about this a little bit in the pre part of the show. To preface it, I was extremely exhausted. I had started a new kitchen job and it was a burger place and it’s burger week in Portland. And I was getting my ass handed to me. I haven’t worked in kitchens like this on the line in five years. Okay. So I’m all cocky going in and I have just worked two 10 hour days and had my ass handed to me. The first day, the first of the two days, it was a hundred and like
in the cart that we were working in. It was very hot working the grill and 102. Um, so i was like dehydrated, felt like i was going to pass out. We closed because it was too hot for a couple hours. Um, it was an intense work day. Okay. And then i had to do it again the next day. I worked my ass off the end of that second day. We’re recording the nostalgia pit the next day. And Rob, my co-host has said, we’re going to watch this movie war of the worlds, and we are going to talk about it. on the pot. And so I stay up after I worked this 10 hour shift in the kitchen and I’ve just had my ass handed to me and I watched this movie and I watched the whole thing and I stay up late and I watch it. Now, the biggest reason that the theater would have been an infinitely worse experience was because a, I could just smoke weed if I needed to. Okay. And you’re, you bet your ass I had smoked some weed because this shit was
Ridiculous. Okay. And I’m like, I got to get through it. Okay. You know, sometimes you gotta, the meal isn’t going to be the greatest smoke, a little bit of weed. It tastes a little better. You know, you create, there you go. Point is I stayed up. I have the ability to pause it. I had the ability to just be like, what the hell? And then take some notes on it because I took a bunch of notes for the nostalgia pit that I was recording the next day. And I, if I was in the theater and I did not have the ability to hit pause, I didn’t have the ability to just be like, what the fuck is happening? Go smoke some weed or, or, you know, go take a piss and go do that. Like I would have been so lost. It would have made no sense. It would have been an awful theater experience because again, all of it’s on the computer screen. Right. Right. So it’s like, it’s almost a movie for phones. Right. Yeah. You know, like, like, I mean, but then again, you know, some of the texts might be kind of small on you, but yeah,
And also I’m just hoping, I think that they were hoping for a smaller screen viewing because you wouldn’t have been able to see as bad as the green screen. And a lot of the effects were, you know, if it was on a smaller screen, the point is Rob did not watch the movie. And so I recorded, I didn’t record the next day. And Rob’s like, he left you hanging. Yeah. He left me hanging, man. That’s rough. I know. What a, So after, after, even after I warned you to not do it. Well, once again, I, I don’t regret it. Okay. I don’t regret it. Uh, now I have this, uh, absurd journey that I went through that I can relate to random people about, you know, um, sometimes that’s good to have in life because a lot of the times I let the, whatever’s popular pass me by and I just don’t get into it. And then I just don’t have a bunch of points of engagement because
And as we’re all familiar with, you know, especially those of us who grew up once upon a time before social media and stuff. Right. It used to just be communicating movie quotes to your friends. That used to be, that used to be like the form of relating to people is like your ability to quote movies with them. Cowabunga dude. Anything from cowabunga dude to, you know, just like big gulps, huh? All right. Like there’s so many different, different little quotes. Anchorman obviously was a huge one. Yeah. So I don’t know. I often will let these kind of moments pass. And so not having did that, I’m like, you know what? I feel kind of like that. You’re in the mix. I don’t know if you want to be in the mix later. That’s what I’m saying. Every now and then it’s cool to get in the mix and just shuffle around the party for a second. And then you Irish goodbye. You leave real quick. There you go. Because you don’t want to actually be there the whole time. No, you don’t.
I don’t, I don’t think so. I thought this movie was so horrible. So now did you watch the fifties version? Have you ever seen that? I’ve seen it. Yeah. I mean, I didn’t watch it for this, but I did. You’ve seen it in the past at least. Yeah. So obviously even that one’s better than this one. Well, yeah, that one, like the thing about the movies, you know, in the fifties, sixties, seventies, like a lot of those. And even before that, I mean, the practical effects, even if they didn’t sell you, like they had an endearing quality to them. Um, maybe it’s just cause I grew up on them, but like, I didn’t grow up on a lot of like Buster Keaton films. And then like watching how those special effects works, like that’s so much more fascinating to me than the green screen. And like Rob and I, uh, on the nostalgia pit, we watched, um, some Hitchcock movies and I think they were in the fifties. Right. And like the, the one classic, uh,
thing that they used to do back in the days they had the car on the sound stage right but then the uh the cityscape or whatever that they’re driving through projected on a project on a screen behind rear projection yeah like that i think looks better than green screen and stuff like i just watched we we watched uh uh the indian uh the indiana jones trilogy for minnesotans We have a segment that we call limited recall, where we go back and watch something that it’s been at least 10 years that we recall being really good or having memories about it and kind of assess those memories versus what it is now to you. Right. And it’s just kind of that juxtaposition of how memory is fallible, as well as, you know, looking at things through the current zeitgeist. Right. So we watched started out with Temple of Doom and then watched Raiders of the Lost Ark and then Last Crusade.
I realized I’d never seen last crusade. I thought I had, had not. Okay. No memory of any of that movie, but the, there is green screen that they use in last crusade. And I think also, I mean, there’s some green screen that they use in, the other movies as well. But like yeah those green screens though Yeah. Those green screen scenes in the last crusade look way worse than hitchcock’s rear projection and that style of things. So it’s like, okay. I think that they do. Yeah. I think it’s, it’s extremely noticeable. They just don’t hold up as well on 4k uh yeah you know, I guess so you get as our tvs start getting better. Now there’s 8k TVs. I haven’t seen, but i know that those exist you know they exist yeah there’s yeah
6k even. 16K. I want 16K. Yeah, that’s what i want. The, um, but the interesting thing is that now, I don’t know why they didn’t do this with, uh, War of the Worlds. They don’t use green screen now either. oh They use what is, uh, uh, I don’t even know what they call it, uh, like an official name, but it’s basically they go into a sound stage that’s nothing but, uh, high-resolution panels, LCD panels, and they have a generated background, and it moves. It moves with them. All of Mandalorian was shot like that. A lot of the Marvel movies were shot like that. I don’t know why they didn’t use that technology for this. It would have looked so much better. Zoom, baby. I can’t remember what it’s called, but anyway, basically, you go into a virtual…
Uh, soundstage. And as long as you’re not shooting the floor yeah everything moves in accordance with your actor. because they, they basically create a digital world to go on these screens that makes so much more sense for so many reasons. I mean, obviously the technology, but like the, the biggest problem with green screen in a lot of those situations is the actor doesn’t like, they’re reacting as much to their imagination as possible, but they’re not like actually seeing like what’s happening. And so like having that ability is probably extremely good for getting like a more realistic. Yeah, they’re getting changed. I mean, if you think about it as layers, so if you ever do any work in Photoshop or any of the, you know, shops, you know, you have, you can put a layer in front of the lens
as many layers as you want. And then you have the actor and then you have the background, which you can put as many layers. But if the background is a live background that they’re in an environment. And then the other thing is it lights them, right? So they are lit from behind because of these screens, especially if it’s, you know daytime kind of setting. Whereas with the green screen, the lighting is, you don’t get lit. I mean, they do put lights behind them, but it’s different because they can’t light the same way because of the green screen. because you can’t, spoil the green screen effect, right? So it’s a totally different look to it. It’s not as natural a look where just like the rear projection you talk about with Hitchcock and so forth is lighting the back of the actors, right? Because they’re projecting onto that screen. So yeah, it is interesting. I was really, because, and I’ve had this conversation with a lot of other people, I’m like,
Movies today that are being made, and I wouldn’t say just today, but for the last, let’s just say the last 10 years even, the production values are so much better, even on the shitty ones, that you can’t complain about it, right? You can watch a really, really, really poorly acted, poorly edited everything, and it looks spectacular. This didn’t look spectacular. This didn’t look spectacular. It’s like, how did they accomplish this? Because… we’ve had almost 10 years now of spectacular looking films and they didn’t, they couldn’t pull it off. I guess because it was made, I was looking on the wiki. It was made during COVID. So yeah. And it said they started production in 2020. And my guess is they, they basically, this was a salvage job. This was all supposed to happen. You know, this was in pre-production 2020.
And it’s going to go into production right when COVID hit is my guess. And they’re just trying to salvage something. And my guess is it was probably supposed to be a totally different movie. Well, yeah, apparently no, they started production six months into COVID. Okay. Yeah. So like this was fully like intended to be what it was. Really? Gosh, I can’t imagine. Yeah. It’s a, Screen life technology is, is what it is called. It’s a screen life for computer screen film as a form of visual storytelling in which events are shown entirely on a computer tablet or smartphone screen. So that’s just on the production section of, of the Wikipedia article for world. Okay. Right. There’s a little screen life hyperlink, but I remember hearing something about that. And one of the things that I listened to, but yeah,
And so screen life technology is like this storytelling concept, but they were intrigued by the idea that it would be used as an entire film and looked at it as like an opportunity during, Oh, to try it out. Gotcha. I mean, I don’t know if they saw it like that or if it was pitched because of it, but you know, either way it worked out because of it. Now everyone could be in isolation still, you know? Yeah. Well, I mean, they could have, uh, just had them all stay home. I mean, theoretically they did, you know what I mean? Theoretically they did. Yeah. Um, uh, that’s too funny. Yeah. I don’t, I just, the thing that I don’t find, uh, any information or I haven’t found any of the information about is exactly why it took so long in post-production. Yeah. It had to be cause it was shit. It had to be. I mean, so ice cube is wearing glasses.
His character wears glasses. He’s smart. He’s smart, right? He’s a hacker. Just like you. You’re smart. You wear glasses. If you zoom in on the reflection of his glasses, multiple times there’s just pieces of paper sitting right in front of him. He’s reading the script. The point is that I don’t think that he took take twos of anything. I think this is like a first time through the script, act it. you know, like a dry run and they were like good we’re gonna do the read-through everybody have their pages ready and then we’re just gonna record it. Every, yeah, everyone has two takes, but i mean, maybe that’s, I don’t know. That’s all i’m saying is like, you can just see his script like reflecting in the glasses they didn’t bother to even get rid of it. I didn’t even notice that so yeah it’s i didn’t notice a lot of the things that have been pointed out by other people, but that’s why it’s so maybe they watched it more than once.
maybe they watched it more than once or they just have, you know, different people have different eyes for different things, you know? Uh, so then if you had to rank, so we talked about the 50s version, the spielberg 2005 version and this version, where, where do you rank each one of them i mean high to low, start with the high and work your way to the low. I didn’t think it would take this much thought call. Well, I’m just putting, I’m trying to put the fifties one up against Spielberg’s right. We’re like, I don’t particularly enjoy that movie that much. I think it’s good, but it’s not like one of those that like, it’s like more of a mid good. It’s, it doesn’t like jump out at me. I mean, and the, where the world’s the fifties one, I would say I’d put that at the top because it’s got a little bit of the endearing qualities of,
old filmmaking. It’s ridiculous. The 2005 one would definitely be the second. And this one is, this would be the last, you know? Yeah, you’re right. You know, now that you mentioned is the interesting thing is i don’t think they ever showed a full alien in the 50s version they showed hands they showed perspective yeah uh and they had these sucker fingers, which is kind of creepy. And, uh, even when they died, it was like a guy’s hand and a glove. you know, a monster glove, you know, coming out of a thing and then falling over, right? Dropping down. I’m dead. That was the way they, they showed it. They never actually fully realized the alien and they used a lot of the, they had a, which I thought was very interesting. The, the, the electronic eye was, it was RGB. I don’t know if you, so it was red, it was red,
uh, blue and green, right. Which is the colors that we see in, right. We see in, in, uh, you know, most of your, uh, things you work with and so forth are, are in that color spectrum. And so it was interesting that they utilized that, which, you know, was kind of weird, but also kind of interesting in, in a lot of ways. Um, as the aliens, you know, kind of visual thing. So honestly, as I’m speaking about it, the aliens in that version had an experience much like ice cube has in this version. If you think about it, they were all behind the console. We never really, but we never really saw them and they used all these devices to reach out and see the experience, the, the world. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, but I will say that a lot of people, they get upset when you watch something and it doesn’t show the alien or the creature or whatever. A lot of people like to see the creature. They want to know all these things. Yeah, but I think the lack of it was better for that because it wouldn’t have been good. Exactly, exactly. And so that’s one of the things that it can be a cop-out when you don’t have the budget to create the full thing, right? Or don’t have the technology. But it also… Sometimes it’s just better to have the imagination kind of run wild. I don’t know. I think that, you know, have you ever seen, I know you’ve seen them. So all these AI things now are taking a concept and then running it through the filter of a time period. So they go Star Wars from the fifties, right? And then you’ve seen those videos, right? I want them to take this movie and then run it through the AI filter and
and make it, you know, a different time period or make it a different movie that’s better. I can only imagine it would be better if they took the concepts from this and then totally had it, you know, generated from, you know, nothing, right? So totally generated movie based off of this script and say, you know, from the, you know, with a perspective of, you know, the 50s, right? Or something like that. It would have been a much more interesting experience, I would think. Well, yeah. Part of that is because you couldn’t do it from the 50s because you can’t be like you can’t have a person that’s on screen the whole time. I mean, or, you know, online the whole time because they just don’t know. But yeah, it would have to be reimagined and be like a phone operator. Maybe, you know, yeah, just like all the calling a bunch of let me patch you through, sir. Yeah, you could do it. I mean, I don’t know if it would be more entertaining. Maybe it would.
I guess if Kubrick had a chance at this or Hitchcock. Well, they already have the Kubrick. You can force things through the Kubrick perspective, just like the Wes Anderson perspective, the Hitchcock perspective. All this stuff is happening right now that people are fiddling with various results. Well, Colin, I want to thank you for doing this, even though I warned you not to. I couldn’t. You couldn’t stop me. Free will, my friend. If there was ever an argument for free will, this is it. This is it. Can’t tell me what to do. Tell us again. You’re at the Nostalgia Pit. I’m going to throw this back up here again. My link tree is there. You can find us on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or wherever on
or at the Nostalgia Pit, search that. We’re on YouTube at the Nostalgia Pit. We’re on Instagram at Ruining Your Childhood. There’s an underscore and a period in there because someone else had Ruining Your Childhood. That was the original podcast was. It was called Ruining Your Childhood, The Pitfalls of Nostalgia. And then I thought about it and I was like, that’s kind of a long name. Maybe I should shorten that. So we’re the nostalgia pit. You can find me and my cohost, Rob, the forgettable one. Yeah. The forgettable one. Yeah. Yeah. We’re there. The one who leaves you hanging, takes you down or takes you down a pathway. And then, uh, Oh, I’m not going that way. I’m not. There’s a trope emerging. I’ll tell you that we can, this is the prediction for the future. Okay. Right. There’s going to be a sitcom about this. People doing podcasts and their partner, uh,
constantly lets them down, but they keep hanging on and do these things. Yeah. It’s almost like a, you know, 21st century odd couple kind of a situation. Yeah. And so, yeah. So you did my cohost, normal cohost miles constantly does this to me. Now you’re telling me Rob does the same thing. It’s going to be a trope. Hey, you know, it’s a, sometimes you have good chemistry with someone and you also, if you know, you can, And you have the ability to recognize that sometimes letting you down is funny, you know? There’s humor in it, you know? It can be funny after you cry. I mean, you know, sometimes, you know, a tear, sometimes you got to be laughed at. Sad clown, okay? The bittersweet. The sad clown. All right, thanks for having me on. Well, thanks, Colin. Hang on for just a second. You got it.

Bad AI Transcript

you know, people are like worried about what somebody’s doing as if all these people don’t do things themselves. I mean, chances are pretty good they have sex or they masturbate in their spare time. Everybody looks at pornography. We’ve all at one time or another looked at it. Right. I mean, as long as it’s not creeping into your… Exactly, yeah. you’re not at work doing these things in front of, you know, people who don’t want them to happen in front of them, then you’re probably okay. Right. Yeah, exactly. You know, I’m a great believer in that. What you do in private, as long as it’s legal ish, as long as you do it in private, you know, as long as it’s all between consenting adults, then no problem. Yeah. So, uh,
This is Bob, and this is Doc, and we’re doing a conversation. We’re going to talk about Doc Loves Movies, and I know Doc through The Overnightscape. So, Frank’s Overnightscape universe, can we call it that at this point? Now that everybody has their own universe, can Frank have the Overnightscape universe? Is that possible? I think he’s probably the only person I know who does. Because, you know, that’s what they’re branding all these, all these things as the, you know, the various universes. So there you go. I think we can call that the overnight. And, and so, yeah, I thought it’d be fun to have a chat and we were, we’re kind of jumped in the middle a little bit. Doc was just telling me about a person who had a horror
site and got themselves in a little bit of hot water because they worked in childcare and somebody’s like, you can’t, those two things are incongruous and can’t happen in the same world apparently. So I didn’t, I didn’t know that, but I mean, everything happens at the same time. So, you know, who knows what’s going on, but tell me doc, what’s, so if you had to say, these are my, films of interest, like genre-wise, or not even genre, but maybe it goes across genres. How would you describe your film intake? Probably the most basic description would be exploitation. Generally lower-budgeted films, but not always. The trade in genres that can range from, you know, horror, through science fiction, crime even, crime. Occasionally they do actually verge on pornography. Most exploitation does because I’m afraid nudity sex and nudity sells. Yeah, there you go. That’s, you know, that I’m afraid is a fact. As does violence. Sadly, it shouldn’t. Yeah.
Yeah, and there’s all sorts of sub-genres. There’s some I don’t like so much. I don’t like Nazi exploitation particularly. As far as them being the villain or them being the hero? Well, Nazi exploitation basically films, they’re set against the background of World War II. Ilse, what was she called? Oh, She-Wolf. She-Wolf. Yeah, She-Wolf. I really don’t want that sort of thing. Because, well, I’m old enough and not old enough to remember World War II. Obviously, it ended some time before I was born. But I grew up with relatives. Right, yeah. They served in World War II. And, you know, that was just something that was off. And it is a particularly unpleasant thing, I think. I just really don’t think that concentration camps
and genocide are a suitable subject for exploration. To put them as the backdrop of your film. Yeah. I mean, some of the films themselves, they’re quite interested in the background of making them. There was one made where all the Nazi concentration camp sets were actually the sets from Opens Heroes repurposed after the Soviet Union, produced by Bork and Kupfer, along with a lot of German uniforms. Right. Yeah. That’s bizarre. But Hogan’s Heroes is one of those bizarre tales in and of itself because of its history and twists and turns. Bing Crosby was the producer of Hogan’s Heroes, which is kind of a weird tangent as well, if anybody remembers who Bing Crosby is. But yeah, to have a sitcom basically of World War II POWs is just at a time when
at that time, a lot of the viewing public would have been veterans. They would have been POWs. Yes, they would have been there. If you watch British war films in the 50s and 60s, one of the predominant sub-genres is POW films. Because for the British soldiers, because of Dunkirk and so many captured there, that became the predominant war experience for a huge section of British war veterans. That’s what they remembered. So they made films about it. But isn’t that interesting, though? You would think that they would avoid that subject because it probably wasn’t the best. I can’t imagine that the Nazis were great hosts even to the people that they weren’t exterminating. Well, it depended, really. I mean, the thing that meant that they weren’t treated well
extremely badly at most Allied bases. We won’t kill you. We’ll just beat you a little bit. There were a lot of German POWs incarcerated in the UK and Canada and they didn’t want them to be mistreated. So it was a good pro quo. The Luftwaffe in particular, they ran the POW camps for Allied airmen who’d been shot down. Of course, there were a lot of lot of Luftwaffe crewmen incarcerated in the UK after the Battle of Britain. And they were mistreated. They mistreat the British and American POWs. Soviet POWs, different matter. They didn’t care about them because they were Slavs and therefore saw them as basically subhuman. Right. Yeah. Hey, that’s great. Well, Well, if people haven’t figured it out, uh, doc is British and he lives in great Britain. And so, I mean, even, so I had relatives, you know, like great, uh, uncles who were in the world war two, right. And so forth. And we’re still alive whenever I was little. And, um, and so, yeah, I mean, it is a different thing. And, and in America, we didn’t suffer, um,
the same way that the British did. Cause you know, if you watch the archives, the, you know, everything got bombed and, um, yeah, it was decimated in some areas. And so we did not get the, we got the experience, you know, you can’t have chocolate and you guys, uh, had to hide in the underground. So, yeah, exactly. It’s a, it’s a key thing that British and American war films, um, they reflect two different experiences of the war. So many of ours, there’s POW camps, and also it’s about the home front. It’s about being stoic in the face of this onslaught, which you couldn’t do anything about if you were a civilian. You got bombed whether you liked it or not. Convoys were being sunk. You didn’t get food. You didn’t get bananas. Bananas became unknown in Britain during the war. Of course, to the US, the US homeland wasn’t under threat. That wasn’t an experience.
their experience of World War II focuses more on them being victorious. Right, yeah. We’re winning. We’re going to win. You start with Kasserine Pass in North Africa. But then after that, it was generally a more positive sort of experience. Yeah. Any war can be positive. Well, I mean, if you think about movies as a business… those movies made a lot of money. And so it was very positive in that regard. There are many, many good American war movies, but they do reflect a different perspective to British war movies. And if you’ve ever seen German war movies, obviously they have a very different perspective. They’re very perspective about why they followed the Nazi leadership for so long and all these moral questions. Japanese war movies…
were interesting because a lot of them were made by the same people who made Godzilla films. And they have lots of miniature ships and things in them and planes and these huge battles. That’s interesting because, you know, I don’t think that I’ve ever seen, personally, I’ve ever seen a German or Japanese war movie. They do turn up at Europe so often. The most schizophrenic are Italian war movies. because they were on the wrong side for most of the wars. So Italian war movies are full of Italian actors pretending to be British or American. And the villains were always Germans, never the Italians. The Italians very rarely feature in their own war movies. Interesting. Yeah. See, that’s why we don’t get that over here so much. Being in Europe, I think there’s a little bit maybe more access over the years. Yeah.
now it would be, I suppose there should be access with streaming, but it’s not, you know, we’re kind of past that that date and I the goopy thing, what really hits me in the head when you mentioned that was the fact that I took, I have a film degree and I took a class on war movies. And I was thinking back and I’m like, we never, I don’t remember ever watching a foreign war movie. We watched British movies, we watched American movies, but I don’t remember watching anything outside of that unless… And I’m pretty sure this was in the Japanese movie. I watched a movie called Hiroshima Mon Amour. I don’t know if a Japanese made that or not. It’s a very interesting movie about… French, okay. Yeah, but it was… Yeah, well, maybe the Mon Amour would have gave it away to me. But the…
about the, uh, atomic, uh, you know, Nagasaki and Hiroshima. And it’s, it’s, you know, an extremely sad movie. Right. Uh, and, but it’s also quite artful if that’s possible. It was. Yeah. you see french different experience again with their war movies they’re all often about the resistance. Right. Oh, right. Yeah. Exactly. Why wouldn’t? They’re more like American movies, though, in a way, because they’re the victors, right? They persevered. But it’s also about the guilt of occupation and the number of Frenchmen who collaborated. This is the whole Vichy regime that existed in France. And, yeah, they very conflicted the French about the war as a result. Probably the best French war movie I ever saw was what translates into English as Army of the Shadows.
by Jean-Pierre Melville, and it’s about the French resistance. And it’s interesting because Melville, who became known for crime movies, actually was in the French resistance during the war. And so it’s very insightful about what went on and about how they spent so much of their time not fighting the Germans directly, but fighting French collaborators. Oh, yeah. And the Vichy regime, they spent so much of their time fighting against that. rather than the actual Germans. And it’s a fascinating film. That’s a lesson for today. I mean, you always spend more time fighting the corruption in your own system than you ever do the enemy. Doesn’t it seem that way? Absolutely, yes. It’s there. The other thing Army of the Shadows does is often in more recent times, post-1970s,
There’s been a lot made in about, they tried to show that there’s this terrible rivalry between the communist resistance and the Gaullist resistance who followed General de Gaulle. And according to Melville, he was on the Gaullist side. He said, you know, the fact is, while the war was on, there wasn’t because they had a common enemy. Right. Right, exactly. You know, they were fighting the occupation. And it was, you know. The enemy of an enemy, right? Yeah. Yeah, they disagreed on politics, but hey, who doesn’t? You know, that was their attitude. But that’s okay. We’ve got to get these Nazis. Exactly. That’s wild, though. But, I mean, that’s an interesting thing that’s happened with all that. Because, yeah, I know they, you know, historically, at least in Japan, you know, after the war ended finally, there was a huge…
push to industrialize Japan, right? I mean, it was a Herculean effort to get them, you know, being in the manufacturing and everything. And, of course, that had to do with film because, yeah, Godzilla was in 1959, I think, is the original Godzilla. Even earlier than that, I think about 55, wasn’t it? 55, maybe? Okay. And, I mean, and so, yeah, they, I mean, they had to do stuff before that, but I’m just saying that There obviously was a push to have them have their own film industry as well as part of that rebuilding. Of course, Godzilla was in part symbolic. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They’ve kind of got away from that, I think, in the newer iterations of things. But yeah, when it first came out, that was the big thing was we irradiated the lizard and there you go.
There are interesting subjects in the Kaiju films. Apparently Mothra, the giant moth, apparently that is part of the beginning of a reassertion of Japanese traditional values within the context of the film. There’s a whole subtext there about how Japan needs to reassert its values in the face of this Western occupation, because there was a fear that Western culture was overtaking Japan completely, and they would forget wrong culture and in Mothra, Mothra is an interesting, because there’s this fictional country who are trying to exploit Mothra. And, um, it’s obviously meant to be the united States, but they can’t call it that. Yes. The United States it’s the whole of the west and western culture it represents and how, you know these they’re not inherently bad, but they’re, they’re, um,
Their values clash sometimes with Japanese values. Do you remember the name of it or they just never said the country? I can’t remember what they called it, but yeah, it was so clearly meant to be America. I remember watching Mothra. I’ve watched a lot of times when I was younger and not thinking about all this stuff. I haven’t watched it probably as a know an adult but uh but they i mean those were always the, I, I love those type of movies right the monster movie was what we would call it here. And they would have it on the funny thing for me, at least they’d have it on the weekends, right? At night after the news. But where i lived, they had this thing called the early show, which was on after school. And it was, they would play monster movies. And so i would see, I saw a lot of the monster movies after school, you’d come home from school.
You could watch King Kong, Godzilla, Monster Zero, all that kind of stuff after school because they had to fill that time until the news came on. So, yeah, it was slightly different. It was weird to have it on in the afternoon, but it happened. I think for the country, you know what I mean? I think in the U.S., monster movies were on late at night, but not in the market that I was in. Yeah, I think over here, monster movies were usually considered okay for kids to see. Right, yeah. They were all rated G, even though everybody was getting killed, but that’s okay. But horror films had to be shown later. Right, yeah. Formative influence on me. BBC Two in the 70s, and, wow, way beyond the 70s, must be the 80s, 90s, used to run on Saturday nights. During the summer, the horror double bill, where they would
Air up these old horror movies. And that’s where I got through most of the Hammer films, most of the Universal films, and sundry other horror movies from the 40s, 50s, and 60s. It was an education for me. It really was. Yeah, I mean, I grew up with the Hammer films as well, late at night. And I don’t know what I’m trying to think. It wasn’t they weren’t Hammer, but all the Edgar Allan Poe movies. Oh, they are. Yeah, they were part of the mix. We had the horror double bill. They were fun. Vincent Price and the pendulum and all that good kind of stuff. Now, you mentioned earlier you were into exploitation. I mean, would they fall into the exploitation genre very much? Yeah, when they’re made by American International, one of the primary forces in exploitation is
The funny thing, they did nature movies as well, which is the funny thing. They did a bunch of nature movies. The main business is based on churning out really quickly films, cheap films they could pair into double bills. There might be science films, there might be tea movies, hot rod movies, surf movies. Remember those? Oh, yeah. At least bang them up on double bills because that way you’ve got all of the revenue from the program. Hammer followed suit. In the UK, Hammer films used to go on double bills. They used to produce them as double bills. And of course, with the Edgar Allan Poe’s in particular, of course, it’s Roger Corbin directing them. He was the king of exploitation. I mean, lately I’ve watched a lot of films from his later company, New World. Right, yeah. New World Cinema, right? Yeah, oh, they’re magnificent in their cheapness
And actually, the entertainment value, they know not to run over 90 minutes. Most run about 80 minutes. They know not to go beyond that. And they throw everything into them. Have you seen the Fantastic Four version from Corman? Yeah, that was to keep the copyright on it. Right. Yeah, that was so funny. I mean, it never got released officially, I don’t think, but… The internet has a way, right? Absolutely, yeah. No, I mean, lately I’ve seen quite a few of the Corman produced, New World produced nurse movies. You know, The Young Nurses, Candy Strike Nurses. Okay. Titles like this. And they all concern like three girls who start a career as nurses and all that. And it throws everything and, you know, A bit of sex and nudity. Some crime is in the crime subplot. Medical subplots. Some of the early steps involved in getting involved with black revolutionaries. I have never seen any of those. Oh, they’re magnificent. They’re worth looking for. And they did a parallel series about student teachers, which same formula, just set in a high school. Yeah.
That’s funny. Yeah, it used to be here we had, you know, those would be like driving culture, right? So back in the, yeah, even into the 80s. So I saw Star Wars at the drive-in, believe it or not, if you can believe, you know. Yeah, along with the Isle of Dr. Moreau, the old one from 77. And that was the double feature at the drive-in. And that time period ran into the 80s a bit and then kind of driving culture. here kind of died in the eighties, I would say. And that was when the rise of the multiplex for us. And you didn’t really get that. Do you think though, you know, as far as exploitation picks and so forth, I guess they, I mean, they’re not the, they’re not quite the same as it was because I think production values for everything are so much better and, and you don’t get the, what I would call, you know,
obvious, you know, exploitation movies that come out. Now we have Quentin Tarantino is taking the exploitation movie and making it mainstream, right? So that’s what we have now. I mean, Cocaine Bear, for Christ’s sake, is an exploitation movie that’s not. It’s mainstream. I must admit, I surprised myself by enjoying Cocaine Bear when I saw it. It was really terrible, and I really enjoyed it. Because as you say, it’s an exploitation film and it follows all the rules of an exploitation film and it doesn’t take itself too seriously. It’s very, very enjoyable. But do you think because of that they’ve kind of killed the exploitation? Oh, traditional exploitation, yeah. If you want to dig deep enough to the real crud, you can find the modern equipment, those direct to, well, they used to be directed
to DVD or direct-to-video. Now they’re direct-to-streaming movies. Look through the lower levels of Amazon Prime and things like that, you know, and you will find some dreadful, dreadful crud. Some of it, I’m ashamed to say, made in the UK. So I guess that’s true. I didn’t think about that because they don’t – They don’t take the moniker on. They don’t take it anymore. They don’t say, yeah, and be proud of it, you know? Yeah, I mean, I saw one. I can’t even remember all the details. It had something to do with dinosaurs suddenly reappearing. And it was shot in the UK. Well, it was actually shot in Northern Ireland. I got a tax break. Yeah, basically, they got a grant to film with it. It wasn’t Velociraptor or Velociraptor.
Oh, no, this one was terrible. It was populated entirely by non-actors, directed by a non-director, as far as I can see, because he had no idea. And it uses CGI, so effects of the dinosaurs. So obviously they’re better than they used to be. You know, some rubber glove puppet. Right. Still really clunky CGI. And, you know, the budget doesn’t even run to having the right equipment for the soldiers who appear in it. You know, I’m sorry, multiple soldiers, do you not carry what looked like Winchester rifles? You know. That’s what they had available. Well, I think somebody had a younger brother who still had a cowboy outfit, so I don’t know. That’s funny. You know, it really was dreadful. Unfortunately, not so dreadful it was entertaining. It was a real dreadful experience.
It wasn’t so bad. It was good. It was just so bad. It’s just so bad. It was bad. I mean, unfortunately that’s typical of a strand of filmmaking we have now because streaming has such a voracious demand for content and it doesn’t matter whether it’s any good or not. They’ll pay the films off. I mean, Oh, some get a cult following. I don’t know if you ever come across it. It’s another British film called zombies have fallen. I haven’t seen that. I’m not as big a zombie person. That’s just dreadful as well. Because it starts off as one thing, then decides it’s going to be a comedy towards the end. For no reason at all. And it’s just… The conversation in the background. We’ve been watching the dailies. I think you need to take a different tact. Yeah.
Maybe you can do this. I’ll be fair. They’re probably into amateur dramatics. And because it’s shot in the north of England, they’ve all got northern accents. I’m a southerner. So to me, it just always sounds more than ludicrous. People going around, ah, Bayek or whatever, you know, there’s a zombie. No, no, no. So have you caught any? good ones on the streaming that I hear recently that you would say, you know what, this is worth a look. I caught a couple of I felt very entertained. Last night I saw, finally caught up with The Arrival from 1979. Which is one of those Italian films that was shot in the US with a mainly American cast. And it’s absolutely insane. It’s a film made by a madman as far as I can see.
It’s fascinating because it’s obviously quite a good budget, but it takes all of these ideas from other films that have recently been successful. They clearly, they thought, oh, Star Wars has been successful. We need a science fiction. The Exorcist was popular. Omen was popular. There’s even a scene which seems to refer to the Hall of Mirror scene in the Orson Welles film, Woman from Shanghai. Lady from Shanghai. There’s a touch of the birds at the end. But they recast all in science fiction terms. So, you know, there’s this dude played by an uncredited Franco Nero who appears to be some kind of cosmic Jesus. Looking after these bald children on a far-off planet. And anyway, his emissary to Earth to try and round up the offspring of this evil entity who died
thousands of years ago and is continually trying to resurrect himself. He sends his entity, the visitor, played by John Huston, who was… John Huston getting a payday right there. Absolutely. And it’s… There’s this little girl who is the latest. She has telekinetic powers, like Carrie, another recent popular release. And she… She’s being dominated by her evil side. But funnily enough, the little girl playing her, she actually does the evil bit quite well. But it’s all undercut, certainly for a UK viewer, the fact she has the sweetest Georgia accent because it’s filmed in Atlanta. And she has this really sweet Georgia accent. She can’t be really evil with an accent like that when you talk like that. Hey, y’all, what are you doing? It’s like that.
That’s funny. She calls a detective to try and get rid of him. She says, you’re a child molester. The way she says it is, you know. You, sir, are a child molester. And it’s a recognizable act as you come and go. They’ve obviously only been signed on for a few. Glenn Ford is the detective and then gets killed off very quickly. Or he quit, yeah. Yeah, and he actually reckons it was the worst film he ever made. And he and the rest of the cast only signed up because the studio work was done in italy and they got a free trip to Italy. But that was i love that so many times, you know, Michael cain I think has said something the same way for jaws 4. he’s like, well, I got to go
stay in the Bahamas for, you know, two months for free. And so many actors will be, you know, at some point in their career, we’re like, well, they paid me and I got to go to, you know, wherever. Well, I remember, what’s his name? David Warbeck, British actor. He’s actually a New Zealander, but he lived in the UK. If you watch Italian films in the seventies, you’ll know him because he became a huge star in Italy. in exploitation films. And he always said it wasn’t the money. He actually made, because he also used to be a male model for clothes catalogues. And he said he made more money from the modelling than he ever did from these films. He said, but the thing was that he used to, he and his wife, he took his wife with him and they used to get like these free holidays in Italy while they’re being shot. And sometimes more exotic locations than he’d go to. And so that’s why he kept doing them.
It’s like free vacations. Yeah. That was the brilliant thing. They were always fun to me. Yeah. That’s wild. And I mean, but I mean, it happens over and over and over again. But I think the, you know, back to this idea of the streaming thing with where exploitation has kind of landed, you know, gone from gone from being called exploitation to being drive-in fare to being VHS straight to video, DVD, and now what we call the long tail of streaming. It’s interesting how it keeps following, right? But I don’t think straight to video. Funny enough, I worked at a video store in the heyday of video rental. And, you know, straight to video was the bad word, right? Well, that’s a straight to video. You don’t want that. But people would rent them. I literally watched people come in. You could only rent seven. Think about the, I mean, now it’s not that big a deal because you have it streaming to your house, but they would rent, you could rent seven movies was the maximum. And I don’t know how many people would come in and rent seven movies. And they were, they’re like,
know in the video store walking around they’d be like well we got six we want to get one more oh well i think okay there’s this movie called the lift which is a british movie that i don’t think is very good um it’s about some killer elevator and and it got rented out every week what’s that it was a dutch movie that was remade in the oh really I just remember, because I just knew it from the title being called The Lift, but people would rent it. And I’m like, to me, that was kind of like, you’re on the bottom rung at this point with your rentals, when you’re grabbing The Lift, because we have five copies of it. That’s directed by Dick Mars. You’re a fan now. I feel bad by saying that. No, Dick Mars is fascinating. I’ve got some of his films on DVD, actually. Yeah.
He has directed, he’s based in obviously the Netherlands, and he has directed some truly wild exploitation, what we call exploitation films there. And they are quite bonkers, a lot of them. So you haven’t seen The Lift or you have? I’m wondering. I have actually, I think I have. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen it. It’s very low budget, obviously, because it uses this very small location, limited location. But the lead actor, and I can’t remember his name, but he was in a lot of Dick Mars films. And he’s best known as Amsterdammed, the same leading man, about a serial killer frogman in the canals of Amsterdam. And that is an insane film. Well, they couldn’t convince him to throw the bikes back up onto the
It’s quite arbitrary. Oh, it was this guy, really? This guy we’ve never met before? The English language version is dubbed with Dutch actors who could speak English, but with these really thick accents. And there’s a bit where the mayor of Amsterdam is complaining, there’s a serial killer. It’s like from a bad British war movie. You know what I mean? That’s brilliant. The lead cop in it, he really should have been prosecuted by child services. He’s a single father to a 13-year-old girl who he leaves at home on her own so often. And most of the time she keeps going. She has this nerdy male school friend who unfortunately has been dubbed with an actress who sounds 30 years old. It’s ridiculous. Stay away from him. Stay away from him. Where’s your dad at tonight, Amy? Oh, my God. That’s wild. But it’s fascinating that kind of the transition, because it seems like it’s a harder transition or frequent transition than
know the mainstream has had, so they’ve really had to kind of fight for space, as it were uh because you know, each one of their outlets have been shorter lived perhaps well this is it direct the video interestingly i’m not going to make the claim it’s a british invention, but one of the first people, certainly in the UK, to ever make films specifically for release on video, was a guy called Cliff Twemlow, who, to those of us who love exploitation films, is something of a hero died some years ago, but he was from Manchester. And basically, he built up his own tiny empire of incredibly low budget filmmaking he had this group of people he worked with and anyway he he was very forward thinking and he saw, you know, video was coming in and he thought, you know, what they need, someone needs to do is to make films because the demand for films is going to be great. And of course, first of all, the big studios and distributors didn’t want to release their films onto VHS. Right. Oh, there was a big, big fight. I was, I was in the, during that time where, you know, a video would, if you had, so the video store, everybody always wondered, the video store would buy a video. It would be like,
$80 to $120 for one copy. And then during my time there, it went from that and then they finally relented to where you were buying them for, you know, $15, $20 off the shelf. Yeah. So Cliff Twemlow, this guy, he produced this film made in Manchester. It’s a gangster movie for director video release. Because as he said, what people, the people who rent these and want to watch them, as he figured, would people have just come home from the pub with their mates. They’ve got a curry they’re going to eat at home. And so he produced these films which catered to this. And actually, I have to say, they show the lack of resources, but they’re surprisingly well made, bearing in mind that they have budgets like a 50 pence. He was actually quite a charismatic leading man in them.
And it was, yeah, they’re very enjoyable films, the Cliff Twemlow films. But, yeah, he was very much ahead of his time. That’s interesting. Because he also experimented in releasing films directly on computer, you know. And, you know, that was one of the last things he did before he died, he experimented with that. So he was way ahead of anybody else doing that. Right, yeah. Way ahead of the streaming wave that we’re… Yeah. He was a very interesting guy. He was actually a nightclub bouncer at one time who parlayed into being an extra in films. And that’s where he made contacts in the filmmaking business. He’s quite a character. That’s interesting. So if you had to name kind of the top five exploitation creators, I mean, we talked about Roger Corman and he talked about some others.
Who would you name them? Who would they be? Well, there’s obviously people like Roger Corman. Do more obscure ones, perhaps. Look to the continent for some of the best. Jesus Franco. You can’t go wrong with a Jesus Franco directed film. And he directed hundreds of films, literally. Most of them are terrible. Most of them are terrible. There are some just brilliant. And Yeah, I mean, his… And again, he went across all genres and, you know, he threw everything. You’d always guarantee there’d usually be some nudity, there’d usually be some sex, there’d be violence, there’d be horror. You know, he’d throw it all in. And, you know, I mean, his Dracula Prisoner of Frankenstein is verges on being hallucinogenic. It’s just so… I mean, you know.
That’s interesting. He also made a film, it’s called Venus and Furs, although it has very little to do with the novel, that title. But that is quite brilliant. It’s almost an arty exploitation film. Really? And that’s quite brilliant to watch. And this is the thing about Frank, when he took more time over his films, because Venus and Furs was a pet project, the result is always very, very good, very intriguing and watchable. And, yeah, there’s Jesus Franco, Lucio Fulci from Italy. Oh, another one. What was it? He’s infamous for, well, in the States it was called Zombie 2. Zombie Flesh Eaters, we call it in the UK, which was an unofficial sequel, of course, to Dawn of the Dead. Oh, okay. It’s set mainly on an island kind of.
But yeah, Fulci was the master of gore films, but also sometimes directed a far settler, but he directed in every genre imaginable in Italy before he wound up with horror. He used to direct comedy films, spaghetti westerns, and then he got drawn into horror and he just turned out these, The Beyond’s another good one of his, that’s with David Warbeck. And that’s quite something, The Beyond. strange goings on in a Louisiana hotel. Although you could tell it wasn’t actually filmed in Louisiana because all the signs, they’re supposed to be in English, but it’s obviously painted by an Italian stagehand who didn’t speak English because the spellings are, you know, way off. Lucio Fulci, Jesus Franco, The trouble is that a lot of them hide behind pseudonyms on their films. In Italy, particularly, there was a stigma attached to home-produced, low-budget films. So they used to anglicize their names to try and fool people into thinking they’re watching an American or British film. And a lot of them would be set in the UK or sometimes actually filmed here.
But yeah, people like Ricardo Freyda, who sometimes billed as Robert Hampton. But if I remember rightly, he wrote, he directed Tragic Ceremony, which again is absolutely borders on surrealism at some points. And it’s supposedly set in the UK, but it’s so, I mean, if you’re from the UK, it is so obviously filmed in Spain. All the cars are left-hand drive for one thing. And you know, But it is quite bizarre. It really is. I mean, it just builds this absolutely weird conclusion. And it stars Camille Keaton, who is most infamous now for being in I Spit on Your Grave. Okay. I know that one. I don’t know if I’ve actually seen all of it, but yeah, I do know that one. Tragic Sirens is never released in English, but there’s now a subtitled version. I think Tubi have got it.
Oh, okay. Yeah, Tubi seems to have a lot. Their catalogue is very, very deep. I’ve caught up with a lot of Jesus Franco films there lately. Yeah. Yeah, so there’s Riccardo Freyda, another Italian. Oh, oh, of course. How could I not mention him? Paul Nashy, Spanish horror star. In Spain, Paul Nashy was what, I don’t know, Boris Karloff was to the English-speaking world. Mm-hmm. He was amazing from the late 60s onwards. He loved horror films. He loved Universal films. He loved Hammer films. And so he made his own equivalents in Spain. His usual character was a Polish werewolf called Waldemar Daninski. Say that three times fast. Yeah. The films are magnificent. He gets to battle witch women and the yeti in one film he battles uh it’s it’s they’re amazing films and he didn’t just play daninsky he also played dracula in one film um
Cat Murphy played Frankenstein’s monster. He played a mummy, I think, in one film. Rightly, yes, he did. And, yeah, they’re magnificent films. I mean, they’re very Spanish, you know. They’re very much in the era, but they’re wild and insane. Absolutely insane films. Yeah, he used to write them under his real name, Jacinto Molina. Jacinto Molina. Excuse me if I’m pronouncing it wrong. I don’t speak Spanish. Yeah, he was known as Paul Massey. And funny enough, in his later years, he became known as a very respectable character actor in Spain. And he made these fantastic, wrote and starred in these fantastic movies, which are prime exploitation. They are just like, they are like, The Universal movie, you know, things like House of Frankenstein and things like that. But shot in color with Hammer-style sex and gore in them. It’s wild to watch. That was one of my favorites, Dr. Jekyll and the Wolfman. Just sticking two together, right? So just say, oh, well, vampire, yeah.
He comes to London and bumps into the great grandson of Dr. Jekyll, who’s still experimenting and experiments on the Wolfman and injects him with a serum. And he also takes between being normal Valdemar, the Wolfman, and Mr. Hyde. Okay. I like that. That was a good meeting there. What can we do? We can do three things. There you go. Yeah, there’s a scene where he’s Mr. Hyde. He runs around Piccadilly Circus with people looking up at him and said, who is this freaking lunatic? They didn’t tell anyone they were filming there. They just shot it. Oh, the guerrilla style that just went out with the camera and went for it. I was seeing an interview with one of his sons who was there when he shot it. He said, yeah, we just saw all these people looking at things, some crazy Spanish guy running around us. Yeah.
That’s funny. Well, I guess, you know, that’s the way you save money. You don’t get permits. Yeah. Well, it’s notoriously difficult to have a permit to film in London. And what was it? There was a Paul Nashy film. Oh, Vengeance of the Zombies. That’s very widely available in an English version. That also was shot mainly in the UK. And that is amazing. He plays a triple role in it. That is just wild. Absolutely, and it’s the grooviest musical score, you know, because it’s made in the 70s. And it’s absolutely wild, the stuff that goes on in it. It’s, you know, people having strange dreams involving Satan, played by Nashie, or Nashie playing an Indian swami or guru or whatever, and his evil twin brother. And it’s, oh, God, it’s just… Who saves on money? He doesn’t have to hire anybody to play these roles. And, of course, there are zombies.
zombies in it. It has this fabulous battle between zombie women and British Scotland Yard detectives. That’s funny. I had to check it out. Goodness. Like all Spanish films in that period, they had this assumption that we like very bad wallpaper in the UK and our interior decor. Many Spanish in the European They’ve seen some people supposedly at somebody’s office in Scotland Yard. There was garish wallpaper. I lived through that. I don’t remember. In fact, wallpaper is going out of fashion in the UK. Very weird. Yeah. I guess either they had that available and they just shot it or they’re like, okay, this is the way the British look. This is the way it looks, you guys. We all got red hair as well.
Really? Okay. Oh, yes. That’s a trait you’ll see in a lot of Italian films. English women are usually portrayed by red-haired Italian actresses. I don’t know why they have this thing. They think that’s what British women look like, their red hair and blue eyes. Very nice. I don’t know. There’s only one who fits that description out of all the women I know. But, you know, there is one. It’s pretty uncommon, I think, really. Italians in their films, they favour non-Atlantic. We have a stereotype view of what Italian women look like, you know, olive skin, dark hair, dark eyes. In Italian forms, they favour as their leading ladies fair-haired, blue-eyed women. Really? And they also have that for leading men are often fair-haired, blue-eyed. Franco Nero, Gianno Gialli, Terence Hill, despite his name, is Italian. All of them are fair-haired guys. Although in Terence Hill’s case, or Mario Girotti, to give him his proper name, to be fair, he is half German, so…
There you go. But yeah, I mean, I was trying to think of someone else who was, oh, there’s a, oh, what’s he called? He’s billed in English as Anthony M. Dawson. His name’s got on my head. But anyway, very prolific Italian director who was directed in all genres. And again, if you see his, if you see the name Anthony M. Dawson on a film as director, it’s a good, it’s going to be a fun exploitation film. because he was one of those Italian directors in the 70s and into the 80s, they jumped on to the exploitation film bandwagon. They churned these films out. Often anything that had been popular in the States, they made imitations of, or their version of, their interpretation of. Right, yeah. And Anthony M. Dawson, Antonio Margretti, that’s his real name, he was one of the most,
prolific directors of doing this, you know, like this week, zombies are in the, okay, I’ll make a zombie film. Okay, I’ll make a post-apocalyptic movie. And it was like that. And they’re always fun. There’s a, you know, as I say, it’s the continent really since the seventies where the real hardcore exploitation was done in that period. Now, of course, it’s moved on to, direct-to-streaming and whatever, which can be made anywhere. Right, yeah. I’m surprised that there’s not more in other places, you know. We still haven’t moved past the point of having kind of these hubs of entertainment creation, you know. I’m surprised there’s not, you know, somewhere in Africa they’re not making movies because it’s cheaper. It’s Nollywood, as it’s known. African made and usually Nigerian made exploitation films. They increasingly, I see examples of those, but they, they, they seem, I know people who are really into them, these Nollywood movies, but to me, because of the cultural difference, it just seems baffling. They seem baffling to me often because it’s just the cultural difference for me. And I mean, you know, I say that I know enough people of Nigerian descent, but it still seems,
baffling to me. Their films and their film, their cinematic conventions but yeah yeah but they haven’t, I would say that, but they’re not like on what i would call the mainstream stage, I suppose, where, you know, you know, other things didn’t make it. So, you know, that like, you know, Roger, the roger cormans of the world made it into the mainstream stage and, and, uh, and so forth. And, well, if you, if you even think about it, the um, Mad Max was an exploitation movie of some sort back then. It’s made itself for Australian cinema. Absolutely. Ausploitation, as it was known at the time. There was a huge exploitation film industry in Australia at one time. Again, Mad Max is the best known example of that. But there were so many others which got churned out there.
They even had a Kung Fu Australian crossover film called The Man from Hong Kong, which with a Hong Kong police agent who’s an expert in Kung Fu, because aren’t they all? I think I’ve watched The Man from Hong Kong, to be honest with you. I think I’ve recognized that title. Yeah, the fight sequences are fantastic. And, of course, it had George Lazenby, James Bond himself, as the villain. And, yeah, he gets to have a kung fu fight with someone. And, yeah, he gets his arm set on fire. I remember him talking about that, Phil, because he allegedly punched someone out while they were making it. And that’s where he denied it. And then he said, but if it did happen, it’s because that bastard, he didn’t warn me. He just set my arm on fire for the sequences. LAUGHTER
That sounds, there’s a George Lazenby documentary that I watched maybe a year or so ago on Netflix, I think it was. Anyway, it sounds very George Lazenby-esque. It’s a good documentary if you’re interested. It talks a lot about, you know, his, the kind of the crest, you know, he became James Bond and then he kind of threw it all away in a way because he could have made more He decided not to. He had an option to do Diamonds Are Forever. Yeah, but he didn’t. He gave it up. He thought he could make it without it, and then after that, it kind of fell. Yeah, he’s seen a few films, but he never reached the heights of being one. No, not the note of that, yeah. That was the pinnacle at that point. He ended up doing at least one film for Al Adamson. Another great exploitation director and producer you should look up
I know I have friends who cannot stand our albums and films. They think they’re dreadful. And I can understand why. But he fascinates me. He really does. He used to make a film and then he’d take it apart, basically. He’d release it under one title and film new footage and re-edit it all together to make another film. And he’d keep on doing it. Making more money that way. There you go. I did enjoy his Dracula versus Frankenstein, despite the fact the guy playing Dracula was his accountant or something. Anyway, it was surprisingly enjoyable. There’s a couple of others of his that I enjoyed. But he had a bizarre life. He had a bizarre death. He went missing, and then he was found, eventually his body was found buried underneath the hot tub that had just been installed
in his house and it turned out he’d had a falling out with the plumber installing it. And the plumber had killed him and in a panic buried the body under the new hot tub. He even had a bizarre death. You know, I mean, he couldn’t do anything. But yeah, it’s the sort of thing you put in one of his films. There you go. No budget, weird exploitation films. You can do a lot worse than watching Al Adamson films. He directed across several genres. Black Samurai was one of his. A blaxploitation kung fu crossover, which is interesting to watch. Well, a kung fu blaxploitation James Bond crossover. Oh, wow. It has all those elements in it. And how was his name? Fred Williamson in the lead? Oh, Fred Williamson. Oh, yeah. Okay.
another guaranteed you’re going to get a good exploitation film with Fred Williamson’s in it. Red the Hammer, Williamson. Red the Hammer, yeah. Actually, my co-host for the show that I do regularly, he met Fred Williamson yeah at a autograph signing thing. Yeah, he said he was just as interesting in person as you would see him in the movies or anything. Mentioning him brought to mind another bizarre, very bizarre, very weird film I saw and refused to watch again called War and Fire, made in the 70s. Because Fred Williamson’s in it. And it was shot in Turkey by an American director. And it starred Robert McGinty. Remember him? He was the exterminator. Yeah. The film, you can tell it’s shot in Turkey because everybody has wild facial hair in it. But the plot, there’s this really weird undertone in it. Robert McGinty, he has a sister, a younger sister in it, played by the British actress, Belinda May. Some people remember she was in Delta and the Banner Man, a Doctor Who story. But she, it becomes clear, you just think that he,
he makes the, when she, she’s swimming naked in the pool and one’s seen, he starts making these comments to her. You think, Jesus Christ, he wants to bang his sister. That sounds about right. It is really creepy. And then she, her character is killed and he finds to carry out this scam. He finds a girl who looks like a play by different actress. And he, he then gets her to have plastic surgery. So she’s back to being Belinda Maine again. And of course he then does have sex with her. And I think this is, this really is, he’s made a look like image of his dead sister who he wanted to bang anyway. Right. And, you know, I mean, then the plastic surgery job is amazing because obviously we’ve seen Belinda Maine naked in the film before. And I tell you,
When she said that, it’s not just her face, it’s the whole body looks like. The whole body, yeah, everything. It’s absolutely amazing, you know. Well, you know, there you go. Well, Cher, you know, she’s all been redone from head to toe. Yeah, I just don’t want to watch that film again because of the creepiness of the implied incest in it. It’s just too much. It’s an insane film in its own right. But to do a diamond robbery, a diamond blind, and, you know, oh, it’s… Well, Doc, I hate to wrap it up, but maybe we should do this again. Unlike Frank, I’m not a four-hour guy. I really appreciate you doing this. And we will. We need to do another one of these because it’s such fun to talk about. And we’ll see where it goes from here. We went from
War movies to Fred Williamson banging his sister. Yeah. That’s a gambit right there. Yeah. All right. Hold on just a second, Doc.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Oh, yeah. Okay. I swear to God, you just said my butthole. No. I don’t know what you’re talking about. Hey, everybody. Welcome to Static Show. This is Bob. Hey, everyone. This is Miles with Static Radio. Talking about his butthole. Talking about Bob’s b-hole, apparently. Mm-hmm. Oh, whatever he’s into. Considering the week you’ve had. Yeah, that’s true. That’s true, yeah. I believe, wasn’t it in Clerks, all holes filled three? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. I don’t know. At the good old video store there? I don’t know what I think about that. I can’t talk about some things that happen to me. Yeah, talk about everything that happens to your old uncle Miles. I’ve got secrets. It changes. Tell me, Miles is a secret boy. That’s right. I’ve got lots of secrets. You hear one? Can’t tell you.
Oh my goodness. I’m tired. So, you know, I’ve been doing yard work. Yeah, I’m always doing the yard work. I’ve been doing a lot of DIY stuff, you know. Yeah, you love doing that. Down in yonder. I don’t know. Do it yourself, right? Yes. And I’ve rented I talked about renting the stump grinder a while back. I’ve rented a couple more things since then. One of them was a little mini bulldozer thing. Like a bobcat? Like a bobcat, but even smaller. You stand on the back of it And you got a big scoop and you scoop up stuff. I’ve been moving rocks. Skid loader. Like a skid loader. Yeah, exactly. Thank you. Did you just look that up or something? I know rednecks. I speak redneck. I speak redneck. Yeah. Continue on. Some other languages. Yeah. So anyway, the place that I go to get these things, it’s like a family run.
you know, kind of place. And so, you know, there’s on the inside, I mentioned on the outside, those guys, you know, we were going to outside on the inside. It’s, it, it’s like a grandpa and his grandson, uncle Jesse that work. No, not uncle Jesse, but the kid who the younger one, right. But he’s, You know, he’s not that young. He’s probably like 30 or something. Yeah. Looks like McLovin. Ha ha ha! with a glass like christopher mince plentz his name is and looks like mcglovin he’s got glasses. He’s just kind of gawky and gangly and and he’s always like frantic. Every time i go there to get something, you know, he’s frantic. Or more so bringing it back because so like normal when you get it, I mean, he goes through and gives you the paper. You gotta sign away your life, you know, on this line that says basically
you’re responsible if you kill yourself or you kill anyone else, or, you know, you lose a digit or two, um, you got to sign all this stuff. And, uh, you know, you guys, where you got big weekend plan. And, uh, yeah, I was going to hang out with you. What do you think? Yeah. And so then, so I bring them back the skid loader. Yeah. Yeah. And, um, and so he usually checks you back in. So you, you come in and he’s, he’s like, okay. And he’s like, is it out? It’s outside. Yeah. It’s out the side door. Woo. He runs out there, you know, and he checks it over to make sure I haven’t broken it. Um, yeah. And checks to make sure I put gas in it. Cause that’s one of the big, sure. Yeah.
you have to spray it down. You can’t bring it back all filthy. Right. Well, that makes sense. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Spaz. So then, but this one last time I went, he, he did that and he goes, okay, nobody’s here yet. Uh, bring it on around back and we’ll get it off the trailer. Uh, and, uh, I’m like, okay, so I drive around into the yard and, uh, I’m, you know, get parked and I’m doing the wind down, you know, to put the foot down so you can take a hitch off the back of the thing there. Oh, yeah. And, oh, my God, I thought he was going to throw a fit. I wasn’t doing it fast enough. Come on, man. He’s like, he, he, he, he, he, he, he, he.
Or his hands in his pants when he was doing this? Well, no, his hands were out front of him waving me. You may ask yourself, how did I get here? Do you want to do this? Yeah. I swear he’s got 100 cups of coffee every morning or something. It’s so weird. He seems like a real nice guy. It’s really weird to have McLovin, you know, be your… Would you have him at your house for supper? No. I wouldn’t have anybody at my house for supper. What are you talking about? Well, I know. I just want to check and see. Sometimes you get a little weird and you’re like, well… No. Well, no. I mean, he seems like a nice enough guy, but… Would you let him go to your house and, like, do work, guard work? Or he’d be like, you’re too frightened? No. No, I wouldn’t. Yeah. Me?
Yeah, he’s nice. I don’t know. The relationship that we have built as customer and rental merchant is fine with me. And then his grandpa’s in there. And I mean, he seems like he’s all there. But I mean, he kind of just meanders around. And I’m like, because, you know, McLovin is like a chicken with his head cut off running around. How’s it going today? Yeah. I think it’s going to rain. How do you leave a poor lock in suspense? What’s on small tech? Well, he just kind of, you know, doesn’t really wouldn’t answer the questions or no, I mean, He might ask you, are you being helped? And I’m like, yeah. And he’s like, wow. He’s just kind of hanging out. Are you related to that weird kid outside? They have to be. They look very similar. He looks like really old McLovin. Yeah. But it’s just kind of one of those weird… When you first walk in, you’re like, I mean, it really looks like him.
I mean, he’s really… It’s like, is this for real? And then he acts real spastic like that and everything. I didn’t see his ID, so I don’t know if he was from Florida or whatever, but his name is not really McLovin. Yeah, right. But yeah, I’m like, this is uncanny. I should sneak a picture next time, right? Yeah. I feel bad if I do that, but I really probably, you know, people aren’t going to believe me. I’m like, you got to come to this rental place and see McLovin at work, you know. Hey, can I drive the skid loader? I don’t know. Can you? Can you? Yeah. So, yeah, McLovin helped me take that off the trailer, and then he’s, like, shooing me away. Everything’s in a rush with this guy. You’re not a man. You’re half a man.
I try not to be in a total rush like that for the most part. I rented a skid loader from McLovin. How many people are going to say that? Not many. And his grandpa. Jesse’s. Well, I don’t know what his name is. I didn’t ask. I didn’t ask what either one of them’s name is. As far as I’m concerned, it’s like McLovin, you know, the third and original McLovin. I don’t know. Yeah. Well. So, yeah. You know. But I don’t have any. I’ll have to wait. I don’t have any rentals coming up soon. I’m done with my project. And so I got to wait for a new project later in the year here. Mm-hmm. So no more McLevin stories. Although, you know, he’s just a delightful young man, other than the spastic nature of his persona. I’m sure you’ll be back. Yeah. Well, I mean, you know, it was one of those things where, you know, I didn’t want to… I don’t want to pay the money that it takes to rent these things. But when I… Moving rocks, I’m like…
Okay. I’m going to pay the money. And I’m like, God damn, this worked really good. I’m never going to, I’m never not going to pay the money again. It just works so well. I paid a hundred dollars for the GD machine. Better work. Right. Better work. Yeah. Being lovey will be mad if it doesn’t. But no, I was like, yeah, I made, it made the quick work of everything. having that deal, and I got the hang of it, man. I could really scoop those rocks. What? I got done scooping rocks. I filled holes. Oh, all right. No bragging, man. No bragging. I went out in the yard, and I got some dirt and filled in holes. Oh, good for you. Good for you.
I know you’re not into hole-filling. You’re more into… I’m into hole-filling. But, you know… I had some hole-filling. Yeah. But, yeah, McLovin. McLovin Rental. Yeah. You can get a skid load for that. Yeah. But I would highly recommend, if you’ve never, you know, rented… Rented from McLovin and his grandpa. Rented from McLovin. It might be worth the… It might be worth the look. Yeah. And grandpa talks a lot, yeah. Well… I wanted to ask him, like, are you Joe Biden’s speech writer? What are you? Okay. Look at that guy over there, clapping, huh? All right. Well… Yeah. But it’s weird having the celebrity lookalike for a rental, you know, person. They also do weddings, by the way, just in case you need to know. They rent wedding stuff. You want doves? We got doves. Chairs. I got the tents. The cake stand. The tents. Yeah, they do it all. It used to be Bob’s Pants. Well, I was going to say, yeah, you beat me to that one. I was going to say it used to be Miles DeShiki. Yeah.
made it into two tents. So what’s going on with you, sir? Uh, well, I didn’t rent anything thank god but i had a chance to spend some time with my oldest son, miles jr uh this week that’s nice. He’s always a busy he’s a busy lad he’s hard to pin down. So I, uh, yeah, I can imagine. He’s like, oh, hey, I got nothing to do. I go, hey, I got nothing to do. Let’s run some errands. And he goes. Anything like his old man. He’s never where you want him to be at. Pretty much, yeah. Like, yeah, we can either really work on something like this skid loader or just F off. Yeah, we can just F off. And he’s like, well, I have to go to a couple places, including this big chain drugstore, which we will not name. Right, Dave? Oh, what?
Right. Yeah, let’s go. Right. So we went to ride aid and, uh, we get there and there is no one in line, which is like very unusual. Very interesting. He’s like, well, I’ve got, you know, I’m trying to order some stuff. I’m having some problems with it. So we should go in. I said, okay, we go in. There’s no one there. And the clerk is like, oh, uh, Hey, give me a minute. I’m doing the drive through. I’ll be with you guys in a second. Hold on. Okay. Okay. No problem. So we’re waiting. It took a little bit more than a minute, but we’re like, okay, all right. We look around and there’s like a small line starting to form behind us. There’s, you know, like three or four dudes behind us. Okay. They’re between his age and mine. They all have condoms. That’s the weird one. Yeah, they’re trying to buy condoms and, you know, stuff, skid loaders and condoms. And suddenly, so we’re standing like shoulder to shoulder, right, at the counter. Ooh.
And so I’m to the left of my son and to the right, like this little old woman shows up and throws her purse up on the, the counter. Right. She’s kind of muttering to herself. I bet your sack isn’t this large, buddy. I all want to bet. So, uh, I can tell like the late, like the pharmacist lady is going to say something here pretty soon, you know, and And the old woman’s like, well, I’ve got a bus coming here, so I guess I’m next. She butted in line on you. I’m like, certainly she’s not. She pulled the retired car, the geriatric car. I’m like, certainly she’s not tired. No, next thing. Okay, who’s next? Oh, I am. I have a bus coming. I have a bus coming.
He has just jumped ahead like at least five people. This fat guy with a case of you who can wait. Yeah. It’s got his hand stuck in a Pringles can for Christ’s sake. Pringles at the checkout. And I’m like in disbelief at this point. I’m like, you know, I thought, well, maybe if you’re going to pull this card, you know, maybe, you know, but Hey, excuse me. Do you mind if I cut in line? I’ve got the emergency. I got to get going. And I, you know, no. It wasn’t even that. It was just like, F you guys, I’m next. I got a bus. I got a bus coming for Christ’s sakes. I got a bus. What is it, like Larry Flint’s mom? I hope she dies. Oh, hey, rough language. I hope she gets hit by that bus.
I know. Can you take my card and give me some cash back, too? I’m like, oh, for fuck’s sake. Oh, no, you’re messing up the world. This kid don’t know how to do cash back. I’m like, okay. I’m not going to say anything, but I’m going to be an asshole. So I’m saying shit to my son aloud, like, yeah, we’re picking up my mom’s medicine, and then we’ll go over to the hospice and go see her. Oh, jeez. We’re going to pick out her stomach. That’s horrible. What kind of script do you want on Grandma’s Stone? Because we’re going to do that next week. Oh, great. My son’s like, don’t, don’t. I just popped a few Viagra. We better get going before things start being funny. Boner. Yeah, so yeah, this old witch. Yeah, just cuts complete and gets her stuff. I go, so help me God. We go outside and she’s just outside effing around and
open a cigarette, I’m going to punch this lady’s lights off. I swear to God. Oh my gosh, there’s such anger for the elderly. What a asshole. I go, this is not the first time this lady’s pulled this card on somebody. She was way too… Oh, I guess she does it every time she comes in. Way too confident acting like an asshole. She’s had a long life. Would you just show up and be like, ah, sorry. Not me. Sorry. No. I’d go to the back of the line. Not a million years would I pull this. I would not pull this. I mean, I wouldn’t give you that. A million years is kind of tough to buy for me. I mean, the chances of you pulling it are greater than me. No. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I’m sure you’d be like, yeah, I need you. I got some videos to watch on TikTok. Watch out. I mean, in front.
People getting squirted. Yeah. I’m getting squirted. Exactly. Actually. Yeah. Cause my son actually ended up tying up the line for like 20 minutes. Cause either they could not find what he needed. So I go, I didn’t know something, you know, like, yeah, like totally, uh, his order was all, what were they looking for? They have to get it. I don’t know. Some prescription foot powder. I don’t know. Oh, okay. I don’t know. I don’t know. Just unbelievable. Unbelievable. That’s unbelievable. I can’t believe it. I know. Poor lady. Getting the dirty looks from you. Shooting daggers at her while she’s just trying to get some extra money to go have lunch with her grandchildren. I’d push her in front of the bus. I’ll tell you that right now. You’re so angry.
What’s gotten into you? Your wife would have been there. Oh, she would have blew a cork. Believe me. Believe me. Your wife would have freaked out if this lady would have pulled this on your wife. Believe me. Oh, my gosh. Yes. It would not have been pretty. Yeah. That’s not you, though. That’s her. That’s not you. That’s the F you are. Yeah, he’d be, oh, good. Whatever he wants. The whip. I’m not a big Harry. What do we care? I don’t care. Just let the poor lady have her thing. Let Selma Diamond go first. Whatever. I guess. Let’s have a special line for old people that need to cut a head apparently. They don’t have much time anyway. What do they care? I’m a realist. I’m a realist.
Yeah, you’re okay. Yeah, well, then next week we’ll hear. So I cut in line and put everybody at the Walmart, self-check. I just walked right in there. No. Oh, no. Yeah, that actually almost happened. This dude realized I must have had this crazy. Oh, you’re in line. Oh, okay. Okay. Oh, you’re in line? Sorry, man. What happened after this? Yeah, this kid knew he had upped up. He’s like, oh, I’m sorry, man. Don’t kill me. Don’t kill me. I’m sorry, man. Don’t fall on me. Yeah, all right, Shamu. Don’t get me, man. Don’t get me. Yeah, he’s like, hey, chill out. All right, well, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m wrong. I don’t know. Yeah, I think you should cut her some slack. I think you need to…
You probably needed to help her, you know? I feel more comforted to know, like, okay, could you just tell me your whole day’s itinerary? So I avoid you from now on? Yeah, like, I mean, are you going to like a birthday party or were there, you know what I’m saying? Yeah. Something special, like you have to make supper? I mean, what? Can you just, I don’t know. Yeah, can you let me know? Can you share your location with me if I knew how to do that? I want your address and your phone number. We’ll drive by your house later to make sure you’re home. Yeah. I’m sure that would go over really, really well. Yeah. Okay.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

ta ta ta ta ta ta ta ta Hey, everybody. What are we saying? This is Bob. Marijuana. Hey, everyone. Miles. Is that another version? Yes, it is. Last verse. Oh, is that from your high school days? No, that’s from the song, actually. The real song. Oh, okay. I had no idea. Weird wow stuff. That’s right. You would not know that, I know. I know, well… a native speaker like yourself i know you love to impress people with your ability to speak yes spanish i love spanish love it It’s your best thing. Makes me feel good all inside. Glad all over. Yeah. And then some. And then some. So… You okay there? Yeah, I’m just going to hack up some loogie while I’m going to mute myself. Well, hey, every night, every time we record, it’s like you just got home from football practice. I got mesothelioma or something. Do you really? I don’t know. I just guessed. You got everything. Anything they advertise, you got it. You got it. You got it.
No, I’m all right. I need all the drugs. I got it. I’m so tired of being dead. I’m so tired of being dead. Won’t you put a tombstone above my head? Everybody. Yeah. They were already old when they started that group. They weren’t that old. Older than me. No, they were not. Yes, all of them were. Negative. Nope. What? Nope. I would look that up, my friend. You would be wrong. At the time they started, not now. You would be wrong. You would be wrong. Who was younger than me when that group started? Roy Orbison. You’re such an idiot. Roy Orbison, the oldest one. He was 75 when that group started. Look it up. It’s true. Look it up. All right. I meant when the group started, not today. I’m telling you. I’m telling you. I’m telling you. When that group started, I was like 30 or something. Right. And Roy Orbison definitely was not 30. No, I’m saying your age now. I mean, you’re like 75 or something. No, you said my age now. No, I didn’t. I said not my age now.
No, you said no. You said my age now. No. There was not a not in it. Swear to God. Anyhow, let’s not talk about them anymore. Hey. So… Yeah, let’s talk about me for once. Talk about you and your… For once, okay. Your freaking obsession with old rock stars. Yeah. Everybody. Yeah, okay, enough. We don’t need to hear it. We did Red and the Monkey Man. We’re hot up for cash. Yeah, okay. All right, go ahead. So anyway, you’ve been making fun of me because I’ve been trying to be a more active person. To be a man. In my past. I’m not a gym person, per se. Right. I’ve not been a gym person You know, I did, you know, in high school, in school, go to gym. And then, you know, I had to go to the gym in college because I hurt my leg so bad. That’s where I had to go for rehabilitation when I hurt my leg. But I’ve not been an avid, you know, gym rat kind of person. So here lately I’ve been going and trying to do some stuff, you know.
You made fun of me for doing aqua aerobics. So I’ve been swimming, right? Like swimming laps and things. Right. And so I’ve noticed a trend at the gym. So I go early in the morning. I go first. My wife and I go together. We go and we swim. And, you know, we put in our time, do our regiment, whatever you want to call it. And then, you know, because everything’s segregated by men and women, she goes to the women’s locker room. Right, right. What were you thinking I was going to say? No, you know, I mean, you live by St. Louis and you start talking about segregation. I go, oh, geez, I don’t. Oh, no. And then I go to the men’s locker room. Yeah. Here recently, I’ve noticed a trend. Men with uncircumcised penis. No, that wasn’t where I was going with that. I was just trying to speed along your story a little bit. I’m sorry. Have I taken too much time for you?
Well, no, there’s this whole Andy Rooney buildup. I’m like, all right, let’s cut to the chase a little bit here. Okay, so the other day, I get done swimming. I’m tallying off as I’m walking into the men’s locker room. You have to walk up through the showers, and then you’re into the open space that is the locker room. Yes, okay. And there’s two guys in there talking about home repairs or something. Mm-hmm. and i happen to notice one guy is fully clothed right and the other guy’s donald ducking it because all he’s got is a shirt on Wait, no bottoms? No bottoms. Oh, my God. None. None. They’re looking at each other, right? Yeah. And one guy’s sitting on the bench with no bottoms. No. No. And the other guy’s standing up leaning against the lockers. I’m thinking about doing some drywall. No. Uh-uh. No. Yes. Yes. No.
And I proceed to get fully clothed and leave, having been dripping wet in the bathing suit, fully clothed and leave, and the guy’s still sitting there with no pants on and just a shirt on. And I get out to the car and I told my wife, I’m like, this guy was Donald Ducking it in the locker room for like the whole, like probably a good five or seven minutes while I was in there. No. It gets worse. Oh, well, he’s sitting on like a public, like a bench, like his bare ass. In the locker room. Yeah. With his bare ass on the. Oh, God. He may have had a towel. I don’t know. I wasn’t looking that close. So then just today, today I get done swimming. I come in, I’m telling off. I walk into the open locker room, totally different guy. Yeah. Standing there with just a shirt on no pants.
Talking about building something. I mean, it was almost as if he was like a really, like he, it was, you’re walking down a tunnel and then it’s just, he’s right there. You can see everything. And it was not, I mean, it was, it wasn’t worth seeing. I don’t want to see it. I mean, this is not something that I would want to see ever. When I get dressed, pants and underwears and pants would go on first. I got news for you. No way. These guys just standing around with just a shirt on. Just a shirt on commencingly. Hey, what’s going on? With no movements to put any underwear or anything on. No movement. No towel. They’re not even trying. They’re just standing there talking to each other, I suppose, I guess. I tried not to use drop. Hey, you guys talk about drywall? Yeah. Usually, it seems like it’s about building. I don’t know if they change it when I get in there. They change their language. I don’t know. I enjoy mold. Here comes that weirdo. I’m going to talk about buildings.
They’re all talking about mulch. They’re all ducking it with their dicks out, with their no pants, you know, just a shirt on. If they start talking about mulch, like, you’d be right there like, hey, wait a minute. I don’t want to talk about mulch. How about some rocks? And bones. Yeah. This guy, a different guy. Not the same guy. Two different guys. No. There’s no way. Yeah. Oh, yes way. I… I’m going to have to get a tally sheet because this is happening way too often. There is no way I’m going to converse with someone in that state of undress. That would be my, I’d be like, I’ll catch you outside. Yeah. 10 good minutes here. I’m going to be outside. This is a changing room. This isn’t the conversing with your pants off room.
I guess. Is that a thing? That’s what I’m asking you. I figured you might know. You’re a little bit more in the know of these things. No, I have not really been in a locker room situation for a long time. But anyway, I just was like, I was telling my wife, she’s like, no pants. I’m like, yeah, no pants. I’m like, Donald Duck, just a shirt. that’s weird. I’m sorry, man. It’s weird. Yeah. You know, nobody had, uh, it was aroused or anything, but it certainly was. Hey, let’s hang some wet towels. Let’s see who wins. Yeah. I was like, I just, I just got my stuff together and got out. Yeah. You just put on your shirt and walked out. Oh, sure. I know. Walked right out of there. Mr. McGillicuddy. I mean, no towel, no towel inside. No shame either. No shame. Apparently. Yeah. I don’t know. I’m not secure enough, I guess, to sit around half some other dudes. Let me tell you, these guys should not have been secure enough either. Yeah.
Were these dudes older than you, you think? No, probably very similar. Maybe a little bit, maybe not. I can never tell anymore. Yeah, you didn’t converse with them like, hey, Bob Lament here. Hey, let’s talk about drywall and hang some dogs. You know where a 16 putting nail is, Bob? Yeah. I would probably went over there. Hey, let’s put some underwear on. I mean, that line from, uh, what color is your underwear? Cause I would love to see them on. Yeah. I’m thinking about that line from, uh, the hangover where he’s like, dude, I think it’s weird. I have to ask you a second time to put on some pants or whatever. There’s something, the line is something like that. That is weird. There was no Bradley Coopers. It was all Zach Galifianakis, let me tell you. Yeah. Dude’s hanging dong. Yeah. That would be a loose… I would not even say anything to my wife. I’d be like, I’m not going back. Why? Why?
I just, I hurt myself. I’m not going to go do that again. I hurt myself. Yeah. Yeah. So, but I mean, it is a locker room, so you’re going to see, you know, butts and whatnot, but I didn’t, I’m like standing around talking about building things and you’re naked from the waist down. I mean, someone just quickly dropping trowel or something, you know, that would be expected, but you know, just to have like a full fledged conversation, like. Hold on. Let me take off my tighty whiteys. Hold on. Hold on. Okay. Talk to me now. Now, the one guy who was sitting down, I got dressed. I went and I urinated and then left still sitting there, no pants. that’s a little long. Yeah, that’s, yeah, that’s way too long. I mean, unless you got it’s like some kind of doctor’s note that says you have to air dry. If it was me, I would be, uh, dressed in record time. I’d be, there’s no way i’m hanging out and just, you know, Hey dudes, what’s up, man? Yeah. Yeah. I’m trying to remember. I can’t remember. He had a towel on the bench or not i’ll give him the benefit and say there was a towel, but i don’t recall.
Anyone want to go to Panera later? Come on. I don’t know. That’s that is weird, dude. Yeah, it was really, it’s happened twice now. Diff totally different sets of people. I think maybe it’s a thing. I think I wonder if I’ll get invited to join the club. Yeah. You might be the next guy. Why don’t you, uh, come here, bud. Okay. How would you like to talk about some, uh, the building trade with me? Huh? Sure. We’ll take off your pants. We’ll talk about it. Like Walter Matthau standing around with his pants off. Oh, my God. That’s weird. Felix. They called me Milton Berle. You know what that means? Yeah, no, nobody was called Milton Berle in this group. Or more innies than outies, if you ask me. Yeah, it was like, you know, it was like the one guy who was standing there as I walked in, I was like,
you know, what am I looking at? What am I seeing here? Not again. Another pantsless person with a shirt on. Put on some fucking pants, you weirdos. This is not that we need to make a sign that tells you what you dress. You put your underpants on first. Then you have a choice, pants or shirt. I’m never sitting on a bench like that again. I mean, you got to figure it’s a locker room. It’s got Ash cheeks on all the time. Yeah. But still, do you want to be the guy that’s got to clean that up? Like, yeah. Well, I think they just have a power. Yeah. That’s disgusting. So what’s going on with you? I’ve seen, I’ve seen more Dick. Yeah. Man. Yeah. You’ve seen more Dick in the last few weeks. And my wife’s best friend does a race. Yeah. That’s unusual. Yeah.
So, um, switching gears for a moment, there’s no nudity, male nudity, my story, everyone. So if you’re still listening, it may not be as funny, but so, you know, uh, I work at this, you know, stupid auto parts, you know, thing in a crappy part of town. And, uh, they’ve decided to like revamp the store and they’re like, well, we’re going to close for about a week or two and you’re going to work at a different store in a nicer part of town. I’m like, okay. Right. And I’m like, all right. All right. And, um, it’s, uh, like some older buildings downtown. I’m like, okay. All right. And, uh, there’s, uh, there’s parking in the back or just people that work there, you know, the various businesses and stuff. Right. Yeah. And so, uh,
plenty of parking, but you know, it’s supposed to be kind of designated, you know, so excuse me. So anyway, uh, my son had to borrow the car. So I’m like, well, why don’t you drop me off? And then, you know, all the work and we pull in and I kind of pull into a spot and I go, listen, I’m eating my breakfast sandwich, my healthy breakfast sandwich. I love to eat. Yeah. Yeah. It’s, you know, it’s something like that. Yes. Yeah. And, uh, I go, I’m almost done. Just let me have a few more bites. He’s like, okay, whatever. And, uh, so I look up and I’ve kind of backed into a spot and I’m kind of looking at the back of these buildings and there’s like these two guys going up some stairs and they have like some power tools and stuff like that. Were they, did they, were they wearing pants? Everyone was dressed. Yeah. There’s a, there is no male nudity in this story, so you can relax. Just checking. And, um,
And I see like the lead guy kind of like, like looking back, looking back, looking back, like, you know, like, uh, shooting me some looks, you know? Okay. Okay. And I’m like, okay, well, whatever. Uh, they’re going up. Whatever. I’m, I’m eating this McGriddle. And, uh, you know, so there, I don’t know if they were just going to go to the top floor or go up with the roof. I don’t know. I really didn’t give a shit. Anyway, this guy keeps like looking at me, you know, like he knows me or something like, okay. All right. He probably is admiring your veracity of eating your griddle. Hey, didn’t I see you in the locker room recently? And so I get done eating, and my son gets out because he’s going to take the car, and the guy starts like, hey, hey, you, hey, hey, hey, you. Yeah, yeah, what’s up? What’s up? He goes, hey, you parking there? I go, no.
Well, yeah, you really can’t park there. Got to move it. I go, hey, chief, hold up, all right? We’re leaving, all right? That’s the way I said it because I’m tough. I’m a badass. I’m like, hey, chief. You know, that’s politically accepted. You can still say, hey, chief. No, it’s not, but okay, go ahead. No, I know, but hey, I know. I said, hey, chief. No, just relax, all right, dude? All right, dude? You didn’t break into Frankie Goes to Hollywood, did you? Relax. Relax. Don’t put your pants on. And, uh, so my son, you know, gets a car and leaves. I’m walking in and, uh, one of my coworkers is there. Nice young lady. My name is Susie. She goes, wow, miles. Where’d it go, man. All right. Yeah. Telling that guy off. That was pretty cool. I’m like, oh, okay. I go, I don’t know. I’m not really anyone’s hero. I mean, I don’t know. I don’t know. Who is he?
And, uh, the morning cruise there and they’re all lunch later. I don’t eat McGriddle. And, uh, so anyway, there’s like, uh, for the people that work there, they like to get there early and just bullshit and gossip and all this, you know, like, which I’m not really that kind of person. So I’m doing, well, you’re not an on time person, let alone an early person. So I just like to take off my pants and go to the counter and, uh, No, but anyway, so I’m in my locker getting some stuff right. I hear her talking to the other people. She’s like, man, that Miles is quite a guy. Wow. I’m like, oh, come on. She goes, he just told the building manager to go get bent. I’m like, what? She goes, yeah, that’s the guy that owns the building. That’s too funny. What? Yeah, he just told the building manager.
I’m like, well, that’s Miles’ last day at work. Thank you, everyone. Good night. Farewell. Farewell. I didn’t mean chief. I meant… When I meant chief, I meant fire chief. I did not mean… Hey, boss. I meant boss. Boss. I slipped out. I’m sure it didn’t mean chief, but sure. And like everyone that comes in, she tells this story, retells it. Oh, that guy. This guy named Miles. He’s here and he’s just a badass. He’s like… I’m like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I’m nobody’s hero. I’m like Mad Max. I’m an anti-hero, man. Don’t even, you know. I put my shirt on one sleeve at a time when I go to the locker room. I just sit here with my pants off in the locker room. That’s right. Talking about building things. I groom people in the locker room. Weird. I know. It was like the whole day I’ve had like all this anxiety. Like, oh God, I know this is going to come back. Well, now you can’t.
you can’t, you’re going to have to ask your wife to switch cars. Cause there’s no way you can show up with that car again. I’m going to come up to like some slack tires. Oh, you who’s chief. Oh, who put nails underneath all my tires. That’s kind of weird. Oh, why is there an ax in my door? Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I was like, I don’t know. I was like, I don’t know. Hmm. Yeah. See, You’re a tough guy at the best of you there. I know. I was being almost big balls, and I’m like, all right, all right. Hold on there. Hold on, Chief. Mm-hmm. Chief. I was just doing my. Robert Shaw from, I was doing Robert Shaw from Jaws, and I was like, hey, Chief, grab the fire extinguisher. Brody. Brody. You got city hats, you know.
Yeah. So the whole day I’ve just been like, Oh, I’m waiting for like our manager to show up and be like, Hey, listen, man, not cool. You know, our, uh, native American building owner is not real happy with you right now. I just, a chief seemed appropriate. Okay. I’m sorry. It’s just that it’s, it’s stuck out. Who made you parking patrol? We’re leaving. Yeah. I mean, I wasn’t going to say bro. Cause he was way too old to say bro. I’m like, Hey bro. Hey, bro. Could have said my man or I don’t know. Maybe you need to get some new… What would you call that? I don’t even know what you call that. Cultural appropriation. My apologies. New verbiage on people there, maybe. I’d like to apologize to the Native American people. Toots is not a good one for you. Broad.
Toots. Yeah. Hey, toots. Hey, sugar tits. I mean, these are ones you’ve all used in the past, so I’m assuming not at any moment. Hey, sweetheart. Yeah. Yeah. So to the building owner, I would like to apologize in a roundabout way. In a way, he will not even realize that I apologize. I was having like a sugar high when this thing happens. I’m sorry. Down a McGriddle or two. They still had syrup all over it. Guys probably like a quick getting maple syrup all over the goddamn parking lot. You know, Hey fat. So, you know, it’s no eat in the parking lot here. freaking John Panetta out here. If anybody gets that reference at all. I just saw a little story on him actually on TikTok about an hour ago. They were just talking about that. He’s a funny guy. Born in 1964. John Panetta. He did the griddle outside his building. Oh, my God. Well, his career is on a trajectory.
Oopsies.

This Week

Welcome to LeMent Tonight, where host Bob welcomes comedian Cali Haan from Clean Mic. After some initial technical difficulties, the show kicks off with Cali’s humorous anecdotes about her experiences, including being bullied by a coworker who resembles a hippie and her interactions at a sober support group. Cali shares her unique job as a forest fire lookout, detailing the challenges she faces with remote living and the monotony of her observations. The conversation shifts to her comedy career, particularly her involvement in Zoom comedy, which has become a platform for those with mobility or financial constraints. Throughout the show, Cali engages in comedic banter with Bob and the audience, discussing various topics and even participating in a game where they riff on words related to their assigned characters. The show wraps up with encouragement for Cali’s comedic journey and a humorous reflection on her life experiences.

Cali Haan

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, everybody. Welcome to Lament Tonight. You can all dance. Tonight’s guest is Callie Hahn from Clean Mic on Thursdays at 11 o’clock Pacific here on Plausible. And I guess we’ll get right to
Welcome, everybody. Now we have some difficulties here for a couple minutes, but everything’s working now. But not to the satisfaction of at least one audience member. But that’s okay, right? There’s no big deal. We’re not going to let that ruin our night, are we? No? Everybody is so lively. I can’t believe it. So Callie Hahn is here from Clean Mic. Callie and Kim do the Clean Mic show each week or almost each week. We’ll put it that way, right? And Callie, why don’t you go ahead and I’ll bring you up on stage here. Thanks, Bob. Let’s do the…
Let’s do some bits here. Hey,
Super to see you. My name’s Callie. I’m from Canada. And some nights you are so sexy, yeah? Young men stare at you left and right. You finish your piece of pizza, throw out the plate and realize, oh, those guys just wanted my pizza. Okay, cool. True story. True story. Let’s get real right away. How about that? Yeah. I’m getting bullied at work. I’m getting bullied at work by a hippie. Yeah. I’m getting bullied by a guy that looks like Jesus. Okay. He’s like, he’s like, forgive them father, but never forgive Callie. You know, It’s so weird when your enemy is a hippie because I thought my enemy was the man. I’m basically a hippie. I just have good taste. I try to turn the situation around. I say, hey man, the cosmos. Hey man, lava lamp. He just stares at me with long hair hate and
Um, I think he wants to kick me too, but he only wears sandals. So who cares? Anyways, um, I even tried to apologize, but he hates it when I say words. So I try to say less and less words, even less and less letters. Like I say, hi, bye, huh, but you know, do you think that’ll work? anyway also I got problems at my support group, at my sober support group is a mean lady, Linda, who hates me, but the support group gives free coffee and muffins. So I keep going back, you know and I know Linda hates me because if I speak again if I speak she digs her fingers into her muffin so hard. that it breaks. Yeah. So for a while I felt so bad inside. I was like, sorry, Linda. No, sorry, sorry, sorry. But then one day I was like, Oh, wait a minute. What makes you so great, Linda? Like everyone here crappy, you know? So, so then I had so much, uh, support group coffee. I felt suicidal, homicidal, but not towards Linda. No, I wanted to
Murder the coffee. Yeah. And then I prayed. Yeah, I prayed. I prayed for Linda. I said, dear God, please make Linda relapse so she doesn’t come anymore. Yeah, and Linda switched groups, so cool. And now I eat Linda’s muffin because that’s what God wants, clearly. Yeah, I wish my enemies knew I’m so, so very spiritual, you know, like don’t you miss those old school Jesus days when everything was a miracle, you know, like in one story, such a beautiful story, all the fishes lined up by the beach. And they had their heads sticking out of the water. And they were lined up from shortest to tallest. So in the front was little minnows all the way back to big whales. And they were gathered to hear St. Francis speak about divine love. Today the fish are dead in a McDonald’s sandwich. Today the fish are sticks. Yeah, they’re fish sticks. Yeah.
Mmm, delicious. Okay, thank you. That’s my set, and I’m rocking it back to Bob. All right. Thank you, Callie. Hey, very good job. I was thinking for a minute that maybe you were referring to one fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish instead of Jesus, but it could be your Bible. I don’t know. Maybe it is Dr. Seuss. But thank you very much. That was fantastic. Yeah, thank you. Well, that’s nice that you compared it to Dr. Seuss. What an honor. Yeah, I’m trying to dumb it down like that much. Oh my goodness. That’s funny. So we’ll have a quick commercial and we’ll be right back here with Callie. Callie can tell us some more stuff, okay? Here, watch this. It may be familiar.
supposed to be making noise, but apparently it’s not going
And it’s backwards. That’s even better.
Should we narrate it? Yes, Bob. No, no. Yes.
have to do this guy, Will. Traffic is bad. It’s real bad. Traffic’s bad.
why you need clean comedy. AI is going to take over the world, but not tonight, apparently. That’s right. I did that about 15 minutes ago and it’s backwards and you can’t hear it. So that’s all good. It’ll get funnier. Well, so Callie, I, I, I don’t know you extremely well, but I have been on, let’s see, where was I at? You and I were on something together and I felt not, I don’t know if you, maybe you were doing a bit or not. I took it that this is really true, but you work for the forestry service of some kind. I do. Yeah. I’m working now as a lookout observer. I am a forest fire lookout. Yeah. Yeah. I, I believe that. And then tonight, whenever I was getting, you know, doing that crappy AI thing, I’m like, wait a minute. Maybe she was not, maybe she was just being funny. No, that’s real.
Because you were in the tower whenever you were doing the thing here and you were in the tower and you’re like, wait a minute, I have to go look for a fire. Yeah. So how does one, well, unfortunately in Canada right now, there are fires in the forest that have been happening for a while. So how does one get to be A forest fire lookout person. It’s not that hard because it’s not that popular. There’s not like a big test or anything? No, no. They kind of, yeah, they make it idiot proof. They have to be idiot proof. Because I’m up here for four months straight by myself. Are you there now? Yeah, I’m still there now. Oh, okay. Well, I couldn’t tell because your background was different from the last time I saw you. This is my Italian terrace background. Oh, wow. What you do is you hide the doorknob with a rose. Oh. That’s the doorknob. I didn’t even realize until now you pointed that out. So how do you get Wi-Fi up there?
It’s cool. We have like super… I have like some kind of super power Wi-Fi satellite situation. Oh, okay. Like Skylake or whatever? Yes. Oh, my. Normally it goes out a lot, but this year I haven’t had it out at all. Oh, wow. So it’s getting better then. Yeah. So you beat out the competition for this job to be a fire lookout. Now… how thick is the training pamphlet for this job? How much did you have to study? They actually did do a good training course. I did like an eight day training course. Wow. Eight days. A town called Hinton. Industrial town. And, uh, in Northern Alberta. Well, maybe middle Alberta basically, but might as well be Northern. And, uh, yeah, it’s good to go to thick binder, uh,
And you learn, so you have to basically tell weather and you just have to have, you have to be obsessive, I guess. That’s one quality because you obsessively stare at the land. But this year has been incredibly wet and cloudy. So like half of the time, my lookout has been enshrouded in clouds. Oh, really? Not much I can see. So then what, what do you, what’s the notation for the day? Can’t see? Oh, It’s called Obscured. Obscured. Yep. That’s good. That could be the name of your band while you’re up there. You got a harmonica and you can start recording some music as Obscured. Yeah, it’s kind of like my jokes too. So you have a lot of time to think, I’m guessing. Too much. Because you’re, I mean, you don’t get to go home at night. You’re just there.
Yeah. I get helicopter food once a month. And that’s, I see people like for 10 minutes. Yeah. What, so what comes in the care package? What kind of goodies do you get as part of this gig? Well, actually I bought, well, it’s all me like, no, well, whatever I give myself, Bob. Oh, you get to order it. Yeah. I gave myself these Lego flowers. Oh, I love those. We actually have some of those at home. Those are very good. Yeah, because they don’t die. Yeah. Will cannot believe it’s a Lego. I can see in his eyes. Do you believe it? I’m like, I would have had for Popeye’s chicken, but anyway. Unlimited. Unlimited. You’re thinking about the food drop. That’s all that’s in your mind, Will. Yes.
So do you get to make your grocery list then? Do you type it in? Yeah, you do on an online platform right now. Right now I don’t have a lot of food actually and I’m kind of mad. I’m pretty mad about it. Do they give you a budget for this or do you just get whatever you want? I pay for the food. What? What? I told you it’s not popular. So you’re buying your own food remotely and you’re paying outrageous Instacart fees to get it flown in. No, no, no. I’m not paying for the helicopter. Oh, okay. Good. Thank God. Yeah. Well, that’s interesting. I would assume that they would pay for the food to be honest with you. Yeah. That would be good. Maybe you would assume that as well when you signed up and then it didn’t happen and you’re like, well. The government’s not waste. Like somebody asked me, oh, you’re going to get it.
so much government money or, you know, the, here goes the government again. You know, I was like, not at all, not at all. It’s like you cut, you pack money a little bit because of nothing to buy around here. There’s no $8 Starbucks every morning. So you’re good on that. And you can’t go out to lunch. And you starve your ADD. So now I kind of can focus. Yeah. Really? Pretty good. Yeah. Would you recommend it to other people? Like if you said, somebody said, hey, I’d really like to have some time to myself. You go, hey, sign up. I’d recommend it to almost no one. I don’t know. Really? Maybe Linda? Linda. I’ll send Linda. Yeah. Okay. Now, because I mean, to me, it sounds a bit fast. And I suppose if you were wanting to write a novel. Yeah. This might be a good job for that. It is for that. Yeah. Especially this year, because very little observing happens.
going on with all the weather and yeah like you could write two novels really yeah it’s very good for that kind of people super like it’s so funny too because the other lookouts we like we we kind of try to be friends but they’re all like super introverted I’m busy. Kelly, I can’t talk. I’m busy. You’re like What in the hell are you doing? I’m doing nothing. Wow. Yeah. I don’t know what they’re. I guess you guys did not have a big zoom meeting every day or something. No, not even really like, cause no, there’s a tiny little kind of audio meeting on hazardous days. But other than that, like that’s the cool thing about is no one’s bugging me here at all about anything. Yeah. Yeah.
What if, so what do you do? Like if you checked out a few books at the library and then, Oh, I’m gone for four months. Just keep them, Bob. Okay. You can’t find me. You might rack up. I don’t know. You might rack up at least a loony or a toonie by the time you get back. Got to use my alias. My many. Yeah. Your alias. Well, so. Well, Callie, obviously you’re taking, you’re using your time to think up some comedy. You host the Clean Mike here on Plausible. So, I mean, you’re doing that, right? Yeah, that’s, you know, the Zoom comedy is amazing. I wasn’t really aware of it. I knew a little bit about it from Deirdre Wallace. I don’t know who Deirdre is. Yeah.
So she, she’s a disabled comedian. So she has a hard time getting to live mics because a lot of them aren’t accessible. So she started a lot of zoom mics in, in the pandemic and she has continued them because they really suit anyone who’s like me remote or has mobility issues or financial constraints or anything like that. Like zoom comedy situation is quite interesting actually. Yeah, it is, isn’t it? Yeah. Totally. So do you, so like, would you say in a, in an average week, how many times do you, you know, perform virtually? Right now there’s like a contest that I’m doing like 31 and 31, but I’m, I’m over it right now. I’m probably, I’ve probably done 20 shows in the last, in the, this month online. So it’s like two or something. Not that it shows, but I do. Yeah.
Right. But this is an unusual month is what you’re telling me. Well, it’s just for you got to do a mic every day to do the contest. So many days off and new material every time. No. Oh, okay. Just checking. I tend to do a lot of new material because I get so bored so quick. Yeah. Yeah. Are you one of the notebook people where you have everything written down like in a spiral notebook? Will’s looking at me as if he wants to get back to the food conversation. Sorry, Will. No, you’re good. I’m listening. I’ll chime in when I’m spoken to. Okay. Very interesting. So are you with a spiral notebook community? Note cards. I love the Oh, okay, like 3×5? Or 4×6? Well, I forgot. I’m talking Imperial. You’re all metric. What would a metric 3×5 card be? Somebody do a calculation for me. No. Don’t. Thank you, Will. Will is doing hand signals the size of a note card. Okay.
So then do you keep them like an old recipe box or what do you do? You know, I know that, I think it was, I read that Jerry Seinfeld does this and he makes notes on the corners and color codes them and so forth. Am I making this up? I don’t know. I know he does the yellow legal pads. Okay, he’s the legal pad guy. There’s somebody else that does the note cards then. It was Joan Rivers, of course. Oh, Joan Rivers. Oh, of course. Type wrote hers, and she has a big cabinet in her New York penthouse or whatever. Yeah, that’s right. I know I heard a story about somebody who was very meticulous about all the material and then raided it and then had dates on it and everything. Yeah. So you are a note card person. Would you say that the comedy world is divided into –
Yellow legal pad people and note card people? No, none of us are like that. Everybody does their phone. Oh, everybody’s on the phone now. Yeah, then they make fun of you for having a card. Well, I mean, come on. Well, you can charge your phone. It’s not like you’ve got to make your one charge last for four months. I don’t like see people look at their phone on the stage too much, you know, like it’s like, Oh, gotcha. I see. It looks, but looking at a, looking at a card that’s about the size of a phone is perfectly. Okay. I don’t do that. I write my set of my hand. Oh, okay. Like more like an outline kind of a situation. Yeah. Hold that handbag. It was, I think I saw on it. Oh, okay.
thought maybe that what you just did tonight was on there and it said fish stick. So whenever you were younger, did you ever think, you know, when I get older, I’m going to be in a watchtower writing Yeah, if only I had thought ahead at all. I didn’t know you were supposed to do that. You had no aspirations and then all of a sudden you just woke up one day and you’re like, I guess I better order some groceries for the helicopter to bring because I’m hungry. Yeah, just let the wind kind of blow me around. Really? Yeah. Kind of. Just, you know, just having talked to you for this time and then the last time, I can’t remember what we were on together, but I thought that doesn’t strike me. I thought you probably were much more. I was in like survival mode, kind of. Like I was like a basically street kid. So, yeah. So like my big ambition was move from dumpster diving to high class shoplifting.
Oh, how’d that go? Well, yeah, it’s not a good long-term plan. Oh, okay. I think it sounds pretty good if you ask me. Yeah, you just got to keep moving up in the world. Yeah. Whatever your station. High-class shoplifting. I mean, that’s like Winona Ryder territory. Oh, yeah. I was going for like health food stores. Oh, what would you shoplift at a health food store? Yeah, I was doing health food stores. How much protein powder does one person need? She got all the kale. Got a bunch of cliff bars stuffed in my shoes. Cucumbers ain’t safe around me, motherfucker. Well, Callie, I think that it’s great that destiny has brought you here at least to talk to us, you know, the other parts with the dumpster diving and the shoplifting, the statute of limitations is probably, well, it’s dumpster diving. Who cares? The shoplifting is where they try to get you. So I think you’re going to be fine. Thanks. It’s been a little while, hasn’t it? It has. Yeah. Oh, good. I went straight. Go straight kids. Yeah. Go straight. Go in the middle of the forest.
climb a tower. There’s no elevators, is there? These things. No, there are 100 foot towers. A lot of them. And you gotta climb all wow your gross. Do they just, the helicopter drop the groceries off on the deck or anything, or you gotta bring those all up? No, you actually usually have a cabin and then you have another separated tower. Oh, okay. So you don’t have to stay in the tower the whole time. No. Oh, that’s good. But it’s pretty crazy. You have like crazy storms going around you, like lightning bolts shooting around the tower. Wow. I got actually stuck yesterday behind like a wall of rock because I got caught in a lightning storm and there were lightning bolts shooting down the valley wall, you know, right in front of me. Pretty wild. I think that’s what Linda’s doing. Linda wished lightning upon you. I think, yeah.
It all comes back to you, right? Yeah, you got to be careful what you wish for. Miles Paddle over there, I know for sure that he wished some negative things on somebody and it’s not helping him. I wanted to ask what happened to the wolf? Oh, right. Yeah, you had a wolf in your picture. Was that dead? Yeah. It’s so crazy because all the offices of the forestry ministry here, they have dead animals in them. Wild animals. Yeah. It’s kind of very, very fascinating. Yeah. Big creatures on the walls. Holy wah. Yeah. Weird. Yeah. We’re going to take another quick break and then we will come back and we’ll play a game with everybody. How’s that? That sound good. Yeah. Oh, what does it sound like? Well,
The movie Saw. You said, we’re going to play a game. We’re going to play a game. What’s the name of that character? I can’t remember. Jigsaw. Jigsaw, right. We’re going to play a game. I’m like, wait a minute. We check my door before we do this. Will, stay right there. We’re going to play a game when we come back. All right. Gary Lyman and the Fleetones are going to play us a little song here. All right. Take it away, Gary.
two, three, four. Are we supposed to sing the song, too? If you know the words. I don’t know if you can keep pace with Gary. I don’t know if you can keep pace with Gary. I don’t know if you can keep pace with Gary. Well, this is part of our difficulty, too.
but yeah that was, uh, but that’s all right. So we’re gonna play a game, Will, that i call word spew. And so i’m going to, I’ll give each one of you, everybody can play, an identity that you have to emulate, right? And then i’m just going to throw random words at you and then you have to talk about them. So for example, I’ll say, Miles, you’re a Benedictine monk, and the word is calligraphy. What would you have to say about that? Don’t do it right now, Miles. We don’t need to hear your soliloquy on calligraphy. It’s all very free-flowing. Hey, dumb mine down a little bit, okay? That sounds a little bit too much. Benedictine monk and calligraphy. Dumb mine down a lot, okay? What the fuck? I’m a
But I knew some words. Oh, my goodness. So I’m going to go to AI, and it’s going to randomly give me your characters and then the words. Who’s going first? Ladies first. Ladies first. So, uh, Right. Wow. When you ask AI to give you three characters, it really gets into it. It leans into it. I’ll put it that way. Oh, boy. So, Miles, you are a gardener in a like a city gardener. So you have an urban garden. Okay. Okay. Callie, you are a tattoo artist. as well as an amateur historian. See what I’m saying? It really leaned into this. Emphasis on amateur, yeah. Well, you are a baker with synesthesia. What did you say at the end? I said you are a baker with synesthesia. You know damn well, see, this is… Okay, I’ll say it another way. You are a baker who is a perfectionist to the point of making everybody crazy. How’s that? All right.
Let’s roll with it. God damn. You know, God damn well I don’t know what that means. I’m 43 years old, by the way. If I was to call one of my friends right now and bet $1,000 that they didn’t know it, I would win. All right, I’m going to get the words now. We’re bringing up the words. I’m with you. I’m with you. All right, here we go. So let’s see what we get. Come on. That’s taking its time. Okay. Miles, you are the gardener, city gardener. And your word is resilient. What would you talk, if I used the word resilient to a city gardener, what would they say? My cucumbers are resilient. Even though people like to come by and touch them.
Oh my, okay. Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have gave you that one. All right, legacy. We’re moving on. Callie. You are the historian, the tattoo artist historian. Callie’s got a pen. I wanted you guys to take notice that Callie is actually taking this seriously and has a note card and a pen. Your word is legacy. Legacy, yeah. All right. Let’s talk tattoos. Let’s talk a real legacy on your body. There you go. Will, would you like a Napoleon tattoo? Honestly, I’ve never seen a Napoleon tattoo, but unless it was Napoleon Dynamite. Best movie ever. Anyway. That’s good. That’s very good, Callie. All right. So let’s go to Will. And your word is intricate. Now, remember, you’re our perfectionist baker. And your word is intricate. I was very intricate in pulling up on my cousin because he owe me $50. That was very easy. Give me something.
Well, now he gets all, you know, fully hubris after the last thing. All right. Let’s do another round. Let’s do another round. Miles, the city gardener. Community. Ah, yeah. I started gardening after I graduated from community college with a degree in chrysanthemum. What? Chrysanthemums. That’s right. A degree in AA and chrysanthemums. Yeah. The 20th century miles. All right. Allie, you remember a tattoo historian. Vibrant is your word. Vibrant. Okay. You know, I like to depict, um, Revolutions, back pieces, vibrant colors. Yeah. Let’s do the American Civil War on your Bob back. Oh, my back? Okay. The terrible thing is you could probably do a couple of good battles on my back, I’m sure. Pop a brush. You will. All right. Remember, Perfectionist Baker, yours is transformation. Oh. I’m transformation into quitting this job I’m at. Or I could be transformation into
Whooping somebody ass that owes me $75. I’m too real. You know what? Both are true. All right, let’s go. I get on the tank top for a reason. And I work out, so it is what it is. I didn’t say angry baker. It’s a perfectionist baker. Synesthesia. Do you guys want to go one more? I still got some more words up here. Let’s go back to you, Miles. Remember, city gardener. Yes. Roots. Roots. You think a gardener would have something to say about roots, for Christ’s sake. Roots. Roots. Roots, yes, yes, roots. Roots are below us, Bob. They’re not above us. They’re below us. Roots, yes, roots. That’s it, okay, keeping it simple. Yes. All right, Callie, tattoo artist historian, whispering, whispering. Yeah, in history, like, there was a lot of backroom whispering, you know, like…
Wow, you tied it to the back as well. Miles, on your back, let’s put a Swiss… Army knife? Army knife. Yeah, we’re going to put a Swiss-numbered bank account situation. So he could never see it? He could never get into his bank account because it’s on his back? Would it be on my cheeks? Oh, my goodness. Okay. That’s interesting. I don’t know. All right. Are you ready, Will? Our perfectionist baker? Wait a minute. Y’all got another one for me? I got one more for you. Last one while you’re wrapping us up here on this words view. Give me something. All of y’all give me something. Ephemeral. What the fuck? I don’t know what it really is. I don’t know what ephemeral is. I don’t know what ephemeral is. It means kind of fleeting. Things are ephemeral, so they’re like here today, gone tomorrow. My baby mama.
I don’t hate her. I’m just saying. She’s very liberal, huh? Yeah. I’ll be on the skateboard and she can go. But yeah, I’m standing on that bet. Let’s go. All right. Thank you. Thank you. Hey, thanks, everybody. Round of applause for everyone. Fantastic riffing on the words and playing your characters. There you go. Although, Will, I’m not so sure you were baking anything, but that’s okay. Maybe in a different sense. I like that he threw his job out immediately. Right, exactly. I’m not even doing this. I’m not dealing with that. So… This is the point in the show. We have an audience of two here. I mean, we’ve talked to Callie about her process, her comedy, her job, how she got here. Was there any burning questions that Will, you, or Miles had for Callie based upon what we just talked about? Not burning questions. It was like, Callie, keep doing what you’re doing.
Oh, it’s just encouragement. It’s not even a… Don’t change. Whatever’s on the top of your mind and is… What do you call it? A savage? Keep being a savage. Don’t change for nobody. That’s fantastic. That’s great advice, Will. You may need to be doing a column or something. An advice column. I hope y’all show up There you go. By the way. There you go. That’s what you should call it, Will’s advice. No, I call it home, what do I call it? Homebody Life Podcast. Oh, there you go. Saturday night. It’s on here. There you go. Yeah. She’s funny as hell. She’s like, she don’t give a fuck. I’m like, keep it going. And you too. Everybody apparently on here don’t give a fuck, but he’s trying to be nice. Stop being nice. That’s my advice to everybody. That’s a T-shirt right there, Will. Get that up on the spring tier or whatever it is. What was the octopus? I can’t remember. Miles, anything in your head there that you’re like, hey, why didn’t Bob ask this question? No, I don’t know.
I don’t think I could do Kelly’s job because I don’t think I could be by myself for that long. I’d probably end up like The Shining or something. You’re a strong person. I like that. And I’m jealous because you just can have lots of time to think about your comedy and work on it. That’s when I get my best ideas, when I’m by myself. But you couldn’t be, but you just said you couldn’t be by yourself. So you have no good ideas of what you’re trying to say. That’s right. I have no good ideas though. But if I was like for real, like, you know, like in this, you know, uh, forest thing though, you know what I’m saying? No. Okay. I see what you’re saying. Yeah. All right. I was wondering where you guys are miles. Where are you located? Uh, he’s in nowhere as well. Hey, come on. Shut up, man. No, I, uh,
I’m here in Iowa, but my great-grandfather was from Canada, so we could be related. So I’m just saying. It’s not that small a country. Yeah, it is. Canada is a big-ass country. There’s only about 10,000 people up there. There’s only 10,000 people. Oh, my goodness. I’m from St. Louis, by the way, in case you were curious. Yeah, I was going to ask you, too. Will, where are you again? Where are you at, Will? I’m from Memphis, Tennessee. All right. Nice. Fantastic. Hey, guys. This is great. Y’all got to play for me. We’re in a war zone out here. People getting killed. Anyway, but thank you for playing with me. Will’s going to give us the report there from Memphis. People are getting killed in Memphis right now?
Literally. Not me. I got my money up, so I stay in a decent. I used to stay in the hood. I used to stay in the hood. I don’t stay in the hood no more. I’m like, I’m out the way. I’m like, I don’t know these niggas. Fuck me. I ain’t been to pretend with y’all. I’m up here in my comfy king’s ass bed. been to watch a Marvel movie and go to bed. Are you jealous that, well, we’re down in the States, you’re up in Canada in the forest. We’re in Canada. What’s that? We’re in Canada. Oh, we’re in Canada, are you? There’s another voice all of a sudden. Smile’s wife. My wife, yes, she’s butting into it again. She wants to know where you’re from, where you’re at. What’s her name? She doesn’t have one. Daisy. It’s Daisy, yes. I’m in the Alberta Rockies. How far? You know, Bret Hart, the hit man. I love wrestling. I’m sorry. Is that by Dildo? It’s the Hart Foundation.
Yeah! Is that by dildo? I’ll put a piece in the whatever. What’s happening? Is it farther north than Calgary, right? Yeah, a little bit. Not too far north of Calgary? I’m kind of by Jasper City, which is really beautiful, and everyone must go to Jasper. See, there you go. Jasper’s nice. Well, I’ve been to Calgary, so that’s why I didn’t ask that. gonna get it i know the sharpshooter you gonna get that motherfucker keep playing well uh everybody thanks for being here. Thanks for your questions, Callie. Thank you. Thank you very much for doing a set for us and, uh, and, you know, enlightening us to, uh, some of your problems with other people in your group and the fact that, uh, The world is turned against the Lord and just basically makes all his creatures into square edibles. And that’s fine, too. That’s fine. That’s fine. It’s delicious. You guys aren’t going to hear this, but we’re going to play the closing music. Take it away, Gary.
Thank
Thanks for watching!

Bad AI Transcript

Hey everybody and welcome. This is Bob. And today I am talking to one Nick of the possible two Nicks, but always only one cup. Is that correct? Yes. Always one cup. Only one cup ever. You never go like a Nick and three cups or two Nicks and five cups or anything like that? Sometimes we do two Nicks, one Bob. Okay. Where’s the other nick at then? We’re missing it. You know, he, during the day, it’s tougher schedule with him because he’s from socal and with his business, so sometimes it gets harder for him to do these interviews with me. So I kind of became, like, I always try to tell people, like, when it comes to us, we’re kind of like joe rogan and theo Vaughn, like,
At the end of the day, Joe Rogan always became the face of it. It’s the same way. I became the face, and I was the one that decided to do all the interviews. I got you. I see what you’re saying. You know what? I have a similar situation sometimes here. I have a co-host. His name is Miles Tidal, and he never shows up during the day. I think the guy’s a vampire, to be honest with you. He always shows up at night. it’d be like that. Yeah, exactly. So, uh, I was on pod match. I got a note from nick and he’s like, Hey, guess what? I think, uh, we should probably talk because i’m not reading this verbatim by the way. Uh, but because of the humor. And so i’m like, all right, Nick. All right. One Nick. I wasn’t sure. Uh,
Let’s talk. So tell me, let’s start out of the gate, because I always hate it when people are like, we’ll talk about what you’re doing at the end. No, let’s talk about it right now. So people can go listen to your show at Podbean, Two Knicks, One Cup. How would you describe Two Knicks, One Cup to a person who didn’t know anything about it? I’ll tell you. So my Two Knicks, One Cup started… With me and another live streamer, because I started off. Yes. Yes. And so me and DJ boy, AKA Nick number two, we started the podcast as two live streamers. And it was because the live stream game has changed. And in the world of content, it really isn’t about content now. It’s really just about people throwing money and kind of just recycling. And it’s just not genuine. It’s just not genuine. That impression is what you’re telling me. You mean the impression. Yeah. So it started getting to the point where it didn’t matter. TikTok favorited it.
see to where I was a top badge, meet me where I stand in the top 1000 out of 7 million streamers all time. Like, you know, at the end of the day, it all became a money grab and just people just shifting money. So I had a bunch of my number one gifters, a few of them being top badge, top content creators that said, Nick, you’re better than this. Go do a podcast, okay? You make people laugh. You talk about things that are serious. You’re all over the board with your sense of humor, and you’re all over the board with where you stand on what you talk about. So go start a podcast. So my podcast ended up starting with content creating and ended up going everywhere. Okay.
I mean, if you look at my episodes, it goes everywhere from mental health to traditional lives versus independent boss lives, from everything from Nick’s rants to continent blocking, which is when you block somebody trying to date a girl from another continent because you’re trying to date her. Mm-hmm. I’ve never heard of that. Yes. Everybody knows what cock blocking is. We have continent blocking. Continent blocking. Okay. I didn’t even know that was a thing, to be honest with you. I made it a thing. Does that happen all the time? It does in the live streamer world. Oh, okay. A lot of people from Australia tend to date U.S. A lot of people from the U.S. date people from the U.K., And a lot of us date people from Canada. So when you say date, though, I mean, you’re not actually going to dinner or anything. You’re just talking online, aren’t you? No, no. Like, I dated a girl and then flew over to Nottingham in UK. Really? Yeah, yeah. That is a big commitment right there. It is. It is. But I own my own security staffing firm there.
And I do stuff like Lollapalooza and Coachella. So I’m able to make that move. I have a daughter who’s 18 who’s going to play D1 college basketball this year. So I have that freedom to fly over to another country. Wow. Did it work out? No, not at all. I’m single now. Maybe, you know, Hopping Continents is not the play. Maybe, you know. You know what it is? Maybe see if somebody’s there. Listen, I’m a Dollar General daddy, okay? I walk into Dollar General, I’m a hard 11, okay? I’ve got options in Dollar General. I mean, I walk into a Macy’s, you’re like, eh, I mean, he’s okay looking. I walk into a Walmart, you’re like, hmm. I walk into a Dollar General, they’re like, god damn!
Oh, my goodness. All these rating systems are new to me as well. I didn’t think about that. I started the department store rating. Okay. Well, that’s fantastic. Yeah, I can see that now that you’ve mentioned it, I can see the scale in my head. You know what I mean? Like, I walk into Nordstrom’s, I’m like a five. I walk into Walmart, I got options, okay? I’m not in the NASCAR. Okay. That’s pretty wild. Okay. Hey, everybody’s got their place, right? The funny thing is if you don’t like what you’re rated, change the scale. Am I right or what? Yeah, that’s what I’m saying. If you don’t like where you’re at, okay, you’re not getting looks at Nordstrom, then okay, go walk into a Dollar General. Go walk in. Go be a Dollar General baddie, okay? Go be a Dollar General baddie.
So then, so you are one of the Knicks. Who’s the other Nick at this point? I know we had a previous Nick. Do you want to even mention that person or no, just move on? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. The new Nick is DJ, your boy. And, you know, he’s another live streamer. He’s a good dude. And, you know, he rides with me. Okay. Only not during the day, apparently. No, only not during the day. Yeah, only not during the day. During the day, he’s busy, apparently, at the Dollar General picking up women. Yeah, I mean, I could see him being the Dollar General daddy. I could see him being an average at Nordstrom’s on the rating scale. Okay, so then, like, if you’re bringing this kind of energy, then what’s the other Nick bringing to the show? You know…
like to say he’s got the same energy i got. And, you know, to me, he’s a very good, he’s very good scotty Pippen. Okay, like, there’s days he knows to give me the ball and just get the hell out of my way and let me run with the episode. Gotcha, gotcha. And he knows how to feed me. He knows how to segue into the next topic. And, you know, he does what he does at a high level. Okay. And how did you meet up with the other Nick there? What was the antithesis of that? Because you had previous Nick and then he, I don’t know, he fell by the wayside. So you got new Nick. Well, previously, the problem was there wasn’t a dedication to building the podcast. Right, yeah. See, people get caught up with the streaming world because they think they can make money now when they’re not really making money. At the end of the day, instead of building something strong, okay, I’m somebody that my sponsor is giving me my own energy drink. Mm-hmm.
So, I mean, we have… Was it called Tunix One Cup? What’s the name of it? Actually, because my emoji in the lot is a lion in the streaming world, me and their marketer went with Fuel the Roar. Oh, okay. And it says inspired by BNIC Energy, and it’s at swiftenergy.gg. Oh, there you go. And if you put in the code, all capitals, BNICKENERGY, that’s the letter B, and then Nick Energy, 25, you’ll get 25% off your total purchase. Oh, gosh. That’s a big discount that you’re giving there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. You get 120 servings. There’s no jitters, no crash. I love it. So the – How long have you been with this sponsor? These sponsors have been with me now for about two months out of my four months of a podcast. Oh, okay. So they’re coming in early. Yes, yes. I mean, I’ve been blessed. Like, I got 1,000 downloads in a week. That’s great.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I look at the numbers. I like to know where people are at my phase. And at my phase, you know, when I go on Google and I look up statistics and numbers, the average podcast at my, you know, four to six months, you know, six months to a year, they’re doing like 170 to 250 listens a month. Right, yeah. So… when my average per month, I mean, I did a thousand in a week at four months at the, like the three and a half mark I did, you know what I mean? So like, I haven’t quite hit four months yet. And here we are getting, you know, a thousand a week, but consistently I’m getting two 50 a week, 300 a week. Yeah. Yeah. That’s good. So, uh,
So, I mean, where do you want to be? Obviously, you said you were doing streaming and doing pretty well. I love streaming. I love streaming and dedicated to podcasting because my top five gifters all time out of my top ten sat down with me and they told me they didn’t like who I was becoming. Told me that I was capable of bigger and better things. So to not lose my potential in streaming and, and, and, you know, Just sitting there staying neutral, right? Like doggy paddling to stay alive for fun and growing. Instead, they told me to take my talents and start a podcast. And so I went to my Instagram and And I literally reached across every streaming platform that I had been on. The people had known my reputation because I was a verified streamer on favorited. I was a top badge on C2. I hung out with people when I went over to kick and just hung out, you know, K I K I would go over to, you know, tagged and hang out once in a while and,
you know, just to get away from my app and just hang out with people that had different content. And, you know, I knew people from other apps, so SuperLive and BeGo. And so I took everybody I knew and I started just blasting my podcast, sliding in people’s DMs saying, yo, listen, you know, I’ve been your son for a long time. I’ve supported you in many things. Just do me a favor, check this out. If you like it, rock with it. Whenever you get a chance. You know, you’re in the car, you’re at the beach, you’re going to sleep, you’re cleaning, you’re at work, and you’re bored, just pop on a Big Nick Energy podcast to make smoke up. And then it just… It became that, you know, it ended up spreading to where I donated a kidney to my best friend of 23 years, to his son, who’s 16. So now…
I was in the hospital two weeks ago, and my nurse and my nephrologist, my kidney doctor, were turning around, taking down the name of my podcast and following me on Spotify right in front of me. So it just started growing. What made you want to give a kidney away? I mean, it’s a hardcore business right here. Because you know what? At the end of the day, that… I tell people that my best friend has been my best friend for 23 years. He has stood between me and anything that’s ever tried to hurt me. If it was my daughter on that table suffering or needed one, he would never think twice to give my daughter a kidney. So in that same moment, I did exactly what anybody would do. And I gave his son a kidney who I had seen grown up in front of me, taking his first steps.
from crawling, who turned around and, you know, shot his first basket, hit his first baseball, you know, went on his first date. Like, I’ve seen this kid since before he had facial hair, like when he was in diapers. So he might as well be my own blood. Now he technically has my kidney and is my blood. That is wild. I mean, that’s one of those decisions that people, you know, you don’t want to make. Honestly, because you’re like, you get this question, you’re like, oh, am i gonna do this? Am I not gonna do this? So what was that process like? I mean, obviously you had to match uh i matched i matched five out of the six blood points that you need. So therefore i was the highest, the highest odds of him not rejecting. Right. Exactly. And at the time I,
I went through the most intense physical you will ever have. They check for blood cancer, cells, infections, anything you’ve ever had. They are so into you at that time. And the reason why people don’t donate kidneys is because people like me are the reasons why. Because I’ve had a story where I’ve struggled after donating the kidney at times. I spent 50… Last year, I had to have… Infected tissue scraped from my kidney twice. I had sepsis three times that twice that almost killed me. And I spent 56 weeks in a hospital in a rehab facility. Oh, my gosh. So that’s why one of my best friend ran my business. So that’s why a lot of people that are like I’m hesitant don’t because it is harder on me.
than it is the recipient. Yeah, because I mean, well, I suppose they’re already doing poorly, and so this actually makes them better, where it makes you do less well because you’re taking away something that was functioning well for you previously. Well, see, right there, you think the same way I think. I usually compare it to a battery. You’re talking somebody who’s running off 15% to 20%. Now they’re running at 65%. Somebody who’s running at 100% now is running at 65%. Right, yeah. That’s wild, though. So now, you know, how old is this kid now? How long has this been now? It’s been three years. This kid’s now 19. Okay. So now he’s not even talking to you. No, no, no. Only when he needs something from Uncle Nick. Only when he wants to go to a concert do I hear from Antonio. My goodness. I mean, that is just crazy, wild stuff. I mean, those are the kind of questions that people always pose, and they’ll say, you know, very hard to answer. And if it actually comes to fruition, then you’re like, okay, am I going to go through with this? Because
I mean, it’s a lot to deal with there. Gosh. It is. It’s a crazy amount to deal with. And it’s a journey to get back to where you’re at. So I need a lung. Any chance? No, I’m just joking. I mean, I don’t know about lung, but if you need a liver, I can give you half. That will regenerate. No, I mean, that’s a high level of commitment. And obviously, the other Nick, not that high level of commitment that we’re talking about here because you’re not even here today. But so then, I mean, after you do that, then what do you get? What does somebody get you for Christmas or your birthday? You know what I mean? You’re like, oh, yeah, I gave a kidney. It’s my birthday now. Oh, you know, I don’t think I want ear pods. That’s all right.
even simple things still matter to me i don’t i don’t think much about it. Like, honestly, to be honest i i really don’t think about it much yeah i really don’t. Like, I don’t. At the end of the day, it really isn’t something that, like, even when i have an issue, I’m not really like, fuck, I should have ever did this like i should have kept that kidney. Yeah, I never say that. I never regret it. At the end of the day, you deal with it. I understand what it is. And I understand what I did. And I did it not expecting anything. And my best friend does everything for me. I mean, he called me at 6 o’clock this morning just to check in and check up. Yeah. He’s like, hey, hold on to that other kidney. I might need it. Like, he just…
Well, listen, the thing is, he’s O positive. If I needed a kidney, he is a donor. Oh, well, that came out in the wash for all this other business, I’m sure. So now he’s like, oh, he knows. He knows. He knows. Like, listen, there was a point I was struggling before my kidney function jumped back up. And he was the first one time a doctor that put him on a table. So having gone through all of this, right? What would be your like top five tips for people who are, are in a situation and considering stuff like this? I tell people this, if you’re going to be financially secured and you’re financially able to take a break or something happens, you’re able to go to the hospital for a week or a couple of weeks and
If you’re financially, you know, solid and you’re physically at the time of donating, you’re on point, you know, get there. I say that, you know what? Yo, keep drinking water. Keep being physical. Even if you don’t meet the BMI standards today. You know, keep working out till you lose some weight and hit the BMI standards if you really want to give and donate to somebody. Because at the end of the day, like, we all have two kidneys, okay? Yes, I went through some struggles. But we’re still able to turn around out there and give to somebody who’s losing their life 100% guaranteed. You’re able to… to let them live on borrowed time. And if you are in the right shape, like I was, I mean, I was 9% body fat when I donated to my nephew, okay, to my godson. At the end of the day, yes, I’ve probably put on about 35 pounds due to like water weight and stuff from hospital stays. But at the end of the day, I tell people this, like,
My godson is in the top 99 percentile in success rates when it comes to kidney donation. That kid is going to, if he does the right stuff, meaning no drinking, no hard drugs, he’ll live. And I don’t think he will because he got it young enough that it was drilled in him to be disciplined. That kidney will last him 20 to 30 years. Right, yeah. Yeah, that’s always the hard part about, I mean, we always see these things on, you know, in the media about celebrities, you know, like they get a new liver and then they ruin it or something like that. So you have to really be diligent and committed to not, you know, reverse all the good that’s happened to you.
Exactly. That’s the difference between George Lopez getting a kidney transplant from his wife in 2024, but he still got this, in 2004. They wrote it into the George Lopez show, into the script, that his dad needed a kidney transplant, when really it was George Lopez in his real life who needed a kidney transplant. And it ended up being his wife, his ex-wife, who donated. Yeah. Yeah. And he still has the same kidney 20 years later. Yeah. Huh. That’s wild. Wild stuff. So you’ve got the streaming, you’ve got the podcast that you’re going now, you’ve got this kidney thing. I mean… What else could be going on in your life? Well, you know, I have my daughter starting D1 basketball this year. So, you know, we’re going to go get some San Diego State Lady Aztecs games. Okay. We’re going to do some of that. Okay. They were, you know, they were in the tournament last year.
we’re going to do some of that. We’re going to, you know, still do the business and deal with, you know, music festivals and concerts and whatever.
you know, iHeartRadio events, which I do for a living. But we’re going to continue just growing with the podcast. Podcast is going to be first and foremost, first and foremost beyond streaming. Gotcha. Now, this title, I mean, where did you come up with that? I’m being a little facetious, you know. You know, it’s so funny because I’ve never even seen that video. I have not either, but I know about it, yes. But I know, I have an idea of what it is because people have talked about it. Right. But I’ve never seen it. And, like, people have been getting, you know, kind of quick with it, right? Like, you got, you know, Burt Kershaw, who’s got two bears, one cave. Gotcha. So we were like, yo, let’s do two mix, one cup. Yeah.
There you go. Yeah, the whole two girls, one cup thing, the whole big explosion on the internet. Gosh, how long has it been now? Gosh, it’s been a while. Yo, it’s been a hot minute. And I’m not going to lie, I have a secret name in my back pocket if it ever becomes just a solo Nick. Yeah, gotcha. Like, I’ve thought about it. You don’t want to spill the beans here. Nah, I mean, we got a couple of names, okay? We got Love, Rise, and Wi-Fi. You know, that was one name. Just we’ll throw that one out there. We had Love, Rise, and Wi-Fi. Then we got another one in the back pocket in case we ever got to make it, you know, it’s catchy, it’s good. If we ever got to go solo, I mean, I hope I don’t have to, but I mean, if we have to, you know, it is what it is.
It happens, it happens. So where do you see all this going? Let’s say five years down the road, where do you think it’s going to be? Five years down the road, I would love to have major, major sponsors. I mean, come on, we’re in talks right now trying to land Logitech. But I’m trying to get way more major sponsors now. So, I mean, five years from now, I’d like to be in the top 50 podcasts worldwide, if not the top 25. Okay. Yes. Yes. I think I bring that kind of heat and I think I’m capable of it. So what do you think? What do you think then, you know, since you’ve got those goals and so forth, you probably thought about this. So like, what would be like five major points?
that has to be part of the podcast in order to bring you to that level? I need to continue bringing on interesting guests, which I’ve done a lot lately, but keep continue bringing on interesting people. Keep my podcast on the path that it is, that I try to make it as relatable as I do to content creators. but also to the people that listen that I know are nurses, doctors, and the people that I’m getting multiple downloads from Singapore, Philippines, and Bangladesh, Ireland, the UK, Australia. I mean, Australia is number two on my downloads list. Number three is Canada. Number four is the UK. You know, my foreign streamers are really keeping me growing and going. And then other countries are spreading on. Netherlands, you know, thank you to Lena as one of my guest hosts. And at the end of the day, you know, big shout out to my social media manager, Sunshine. Like, she’s been amazing. She’s been my friend for over two and a half years in streaming. She’s my number six all-time gifter. And she’s the one that pushed me into streaming, into podcasting. And she does all my social medias for me.
except for my Instagram. And at the end of the day, I also feel that to continue growing, I need to get my social media following up. That’s a big thing that a lot of people care about. Like I bring in my following from other apps like TikTok, my following from, you know, Favorited and from my streaming community to show them I have a following. But a lot of people care about your TikTok numbers when it comes to sponsoring. So I got to continue growing those. And I want to continue doing podcasts like this where I’m also growing to other people’s, you know, communities and where they can continue and start listening to my podcast. And, hey, maybe they do something or they reach out to me and, you know, they come on. Yeah, there you go.
Oh, the guesting thing has exploded so much over the last few years, being guests and so forth. In the previous time period, there was people guested, but it was always because you knew them. And now it’s more guesting, you know, is kind of like a thing, right? So everybody’s doing it. And so there’s all these websites that are popping up like Podmatch and and now Blueberry is getting into it as well where they’re matching hosts and guests and all this kind of stuff now, which is kind of interesting. Do you think, because your subject matter is a little bit more broad and I’ve noticed over the last few years that for podcasting it’s become more narrow. Do you think the broad thing is going to hurt you? No, no. I think the fact
that I can take a topic. Because my episodes really do change up. You can really click on one of my episodes if you take a look at Two Knicks, One Cup on Spotify. You know, because I am on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, iHeartRadio, Amazon Radio, and Boomplay. And you can turn around and take a look at my list and see that One episode may be about current events and things that are going on in the world that people are unaware of. And then one of my episodes may be something about floodlighting, which most people don’t even know what floodlighting is, which is when people in relationships in the beginning trauma dump, which makes people grow attachments quicker to people Because they feel bad. And you know. Like I may go into a whole episode. About something that people don’t know about. And it’s kind of. I always tell everybody. You listen to one of my podcasts. I guarantee you. No matter who you are. At the end of my podcast. You’re going to have laughed at something. If not multiple times. And you are going to leave my podcast. Thinking and questioning. About something.
Well, that’s interesting. Well, maybe that’s the angle then, right? So questioning things, questioning yourself, questioning what’s happening in the world or what’s happening to you or what’s happening to your friends. That could be a thing. It is. It’s a thing that I make people think and I make people laugh. It’s a little play off Jimmy Valvano’s. If you have a day where you laugh, think, and cry, then you have turned around and hit every emotion you can have in one day. There’s only three emotions is what you’re telling me? Those are the three major ones. I mean the three majors. What about, you know, whatever, you’re flat, right? Like there’s no emotion. That’s got to be something. It’s kind of like white to absence of colors. Maybe white is the flat. You don’t have any emotions.
I’m with you. There’s always some type of, like, it’s like when you’re not doing anything, you’re still doing something because you’re breathing. Right. Yeah, I know, but, you know, it’s kind of like a Zen kind of thing, right? Yeah, but to me, the three major emotions, like Jimmy Valvano said when he was dying of cancer, is laughing, crying, and thinking. Okay. No anger in there. So I don’t try to make anybody cry. No, y’all will make nobody mad. Even though sometimes, you know, I get them toxic episodes. I’m like, Ooh, I want to call some people out. Well, that’s interesting. Cause I always think of, uh, emotions is kind of like, um, you know, the color palette, there’s just infinite shades and variants and mixtures and,
and things like that. So it’s not always primary and tertiary and secondary colors. But no, it’s interesting take on things. I see what you’re talking about because people do like that. They love to go to those points, right? So that’s why they watch, you know, murder type shows about murder because they want to get a little bit scared. Or they watch shows that are romance because they want to have that feeling while they’re watching and so forth. And so, yeah, I see where you want to go to those. So I try to hit people’s emotions. Yeah. Like, okay, you had a bad day. Well, I’m going to make you laugh. But you know what? There may be something in your life that you thought you knew or something you thought about in a relationship or some type of thing. It can be anything. I want you to question that. The…
So have you ever done like stand-up comedy or anything? No, no. A lot of people are trying to push me into that too. Yeah. Not an interest or? I don’t know if that’s a thing for me right now. Like, you know, that’s a lot of dedication. You just start going to open mics. Being in the entertainment industry as I am, have connections to people, like, that’s if i wanted to do open mics. But to me, it’s a lot of, like, traveling for like a hundred dollars in free drinks. Like, I spent three hundred on a flight in one day, you know. But I got a hundred dollars and some drinks and some people so you know, you’re only gonna eat drink half the drinks anyway so facts and then I got a good drink, a gallon of water anyway full advantage of that so it’s not really a perk exactly so I think that’s my problem. Like, yeah, I would love to. And I think down the line, that may be a thing.
I mean, I look at someone like Theo Vaughn at, you know, I’m 36, but I look at someone like Theo Vaughn who’s 45. Didn’t really get put on the map. I mean, that guy did stand-up comedy for freaking 20 years, y’all. 20 years. Nobody knew who Theo Vaughn was. But in the last two to three years, Joe Logan’s made that more relevant. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, that’s the way it works, apparently. Joe Rogan So that’s my game plan. Continue doing what I do. Continue getting noticed Like I have by bigger TikTokers and bigger Content creators on Instagram And TikTok like I have That have started to want to do My show and continue Growing with the content creating You know Community and that
Bring them on, but then hit them with real-life feelings and real-life stuff. Let them not know what they’re getting into. It sounds like a game plan. So for closing bits here, is there anything that you want to get out there? I’m going to put where to find the podcast ad again. Is there anything else you want to tell people and say, you know, this is what you need to know? This is what I’m going to tell everybody. If you have Instagram, check me out. It’s lowercase b, nickenergy underscore 2025. Feel free to follow me. Feel free to slide in the DMs if you have any show ideas or anything you want my take on. At the end of the day, my final thoughts is this was a great podcast, a great show I appreciated doing. I love the opportunity
amazing host. And, you know, I’m going to tell everybody times is tough in this world. So be humane. And as I always tell people, as I sign off on my podcast, do better to be better. I’m going to cut everything out except for that last few minutes. I’m just joking.
Nick. Big Nick energy to Nick’s one cup. Look it up. And, hey, best to you, bud. I mean, it’s hard running around with one kidney. Yeah, we still do it, though. There you go. All right, hold on just a second. Okay.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

I’m like, Ash. Apparently, you don’t invite Miles’ title over. It only perpetuates it. I’m trying to drink, jerk, all right? Thanks a lot. Hey everybody, what we’re saying is this is Bob and I’m chiplets and your house smells like ash. We got this new Glade freshener. It smells like ass. That’s right, honey. Smells like ass. Fresh ass. With a name like ass, it’s got to be good. Hey, everybody. Welcome. Yeah. Welcome. You never know what’s going to come out of Miles’ mouth just before I hit the record button. I know. Last week, I was talking about top guys and bottom guys, and this week, this house smells like ass. This house smells like ass. It does. It’s your house. Do something. Get some sage or something. I live with like 20 animals and two other humans. It smells like ass around here, right? Yeah.
Are you trying to blame somebody for this? If I could open the windows right now, I would. I mean, are you not partially at fault, perhaps? You know what? I just had a dog unbeknownst to me eat out of the litter and put her snout on my arm and left shitty litter on my forearm. I had to go wash off Right after our pre-show chit-chat that we like to do. Yeah, nice. Gross. A little pecan sandy. Yeah, nice. I want to see that. I don’t know. Your house. I’m glad your house has filters built in and stuff and magical shit. You know, whatever. Actually, we do have some. I know. I know. You have some weird thing. Hapafelter. Yeah, I know. You got all sorts of cool stuff. Yeah, we got all kinds of weird stuff going on here. Yeah, I’ve been there. Been there. Yeah, exactly. It’s like Scaramunga. He’s got all this cool stuff. Nick, Nick. Scaramunga.
Yeah. I have a little guy lives in the walls. Does my bidding. He dresses real nice. So, uh, apparently just like a, um, you know, like an eclipse every few years, uh, miles and I actually saw each other in person, uh, on Saturday. We had our, uh, Mandate. So, yeah. Mandate. Sounds like a court order or something. It was a mandate. No, I was just kidding. No, I happened, I was tagging along on a business, pseudo business trip with my wife to Bloomington, Illinois. I said, Miles, there’s this really interesting place in McLean. called Arcade Unlimited. I thought it was a strip club. I was like, okay. That’s right. You’re like, Arcade? I know all her work. Oh, yeah. And I said, why don’t you come over? We’ll go check this thing out. It’s got all these pinball machines and stuff like that, games and whatnot. And, you know, I threw it out there. I said, I’m going to go. Whether you go or not, I’m going. Mm-hmm.
And, you know, I figured about 50, 50 chance. I figured it at 50, 50. My wife was more like a 70, 30. Yeah. That you would not even show up. Yeah. But you did. I did. And I was early. Yeah. And you were early. Exactly. Actually, the funny thing about you being early, let me, uh, I got to look here and see if I can find it. So I took a picture of, I was kicking around waiting for, you know, I was a little early waiting for you to show up and, oh, you aren’t in my picture. That’s what I was looking for. And I took a picture of a Coca-Cola, like on the side of a brick building, somebody had, they painted like a Coca-Cola sign.
advertisement and a thing for a barbershop. And I took a picture and the next thing i know, I’m walking in that direction and there’s a guy flipping me off. It was you! It was me! About 10 minutes early, which is like unheard of. Oh, I was 20 minutes early at least. Oh no, I know you’re only 10 minutes early because i mean, tops was 15 because i was just walking around killing 15 minutes because i was early. Well, I knew you’d be early. I’m like, he’s early. I know it. Yeah. And then there he is. I’m like, I don’t even know this idiot. He’s flipping me off. And then i realized it’s you. I didn’t even i i had there was no thought in my mind. This would be you because it was early. I’m like, oh who’s this? Who’s this fat dork flipping me off here?
That’s rude. That’s really fucking rude. And I’m walking towards him. I’m like, Oh God, this is going to be, this is going to ruin my day. Got the town idiot flipping me off. Wait a minute. That’s miles. Christ. It just seemed right. I don’t know why. Yeah, it just seemed like a good thing. Well, I knew we weren’t going to embrace. I knew that. Yeah, no, that’s for sure. What’s the next best thing? I’m going to flip him off. That’s what I’m going to do. Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s too much. And I have to close my eyes every time. Anyway. Yeah, so then I’m like, what are the odds? I would have never. No one would take the 10 minutes early on that bet. Yeah. So, yeah, we hung out for a few hours and played a bunch of different pinball and old video games. Lots of fun. Lots of fun. Now, I will tell you that Miles looked like
a fat Chewbacca Because it had some kind of bandolero thing going on. Had something strapped across your chest and I’m like, is that some kind of man bra? Has he got like one saggy or something? With my strap on. Yeah. No, I was at Norlings and I thought, well, heck, I’m going to use this again. So, The funny thing, though, is it’s a fanny pack that you put across your chest. Will it not fit around your fanny? I don’t know. I was told to wear it like that. Who told you to wear it like that? I do it like Indiana Jones style. I think you’re thinking of a different… type of indiana jones movie when you’re saying that i think yeah i’m a little disappointed you didn’t mention the nasty gross gray sweatpants well that’s a given i don’t understand how you can’t like actually put regular clothes on anymore i mean have you totally outgrown you haven’t there’s no way you could have outgrown your pants because your legs haven’t grown since you’re yeah
You’re like a preteen. You got like these preteen legs sitting on top of this middle-aged body. I made you a promise. I said, every time we meet now, I want to be wearing these gray ass. Well, you can, I’m happy for you to break that promise. All right. Well, maybe I will. Maybe you need to, you need to invest in some pants. And I had my holy underwear on, too, that I was talking about. Oh, yeah. Yeah, he’s constantly like, my sweatpants are falling down. I was like, it was like special day there at the arcade. Come on, Miles. Oh, my sweatpants are falling down. Woo. I’m like, buddy. Yeah. Get a drawstring. Come on. Yeah. Then he goes into the bathroom at the arcade and proceeds to light it up. So he lit up the bathroom. It’s like stink is just going everywhere. It’s his fucker with a lavender shirt. He got in there before I did. Oh, yeah, sure.
Hey, I’m like, I listen, I’m an old diabetic now, man. I got to take a whiz, you know, I’m waiting and waiting and waiting. I’m like, Oh, this guy, I hope he’s playing with and that shit. No, he comes out, you know, like sheepishly like, Oh fuck. I’m like, okay, I’m going. I can tell you right now in a lineup, no one would pick the guy in the lavender shirt to blow up that bathroom. They’d pick you. They’re like, They’re like, look, this guy’s wearing old sweatpants that are all stained. I look like Schwarzenegger on Mars in a little recall. When they run out of all the oxygen, they’re all like. Right. Yeah. I’m like, oh, my God. I don’t know what this guy ate, but it was lethal. Oh, my God. It was terrible. I was smelling it outside of the bathroom. I give him an A plus for blowing up the bathroom. Holy cow. Yeah. Well, I thought it was you.
Cause I didn’t notice until after you went in there and I’m like, Oh my God, of course I had to go. We, we, of course we’re going to have to, we’re going to have to leave now. No, I don’t care. I don’t care. A bunch of parents with little kids anyway. I mean, who am I trying to impress anyway? I’m like, fuck it. I don’t care. Well, with those sweatpants, nobody, nobody, nobody. That’s right. Yeah. Your goal was to make the homeless feel better about themselves, and you accomplished it. Yeah. Everyone stayed away, so yeah. When you wear stuff like that, people are less likely to ask you for money and stuff. I did notice that whenever I asked you to pony up your $5, it was like pulling it out of the jaws of life.
That’s my new wallet that I also got for New Orleans. It’s not my typical wallet I typically use. I got a new wallet. You get a new wallet, but you don’t get new sweatpants? Is this what the deal is? I thought it’d be a funny ongoing joke if I kept wearing the same nasty sweatpants every time we met. We haven’t seen each other for two years. I know. That’s how long I’ve had them for at least that. At least wash them in between. Come on. I know. It was like some cancer patient. My niece knew, and she got me these cancer pants. Cancer pants? No, he was. Some dude. I hope he didn’t have testicular cancer. I don’t remember if he made it or not, but yeah, she ended up getting some of his clothes. Judging from the look of those pants, probably not. Probably not.
They’re comfortable. I think he passed on while wearing those pants. Yeah. It was nasty. Nasty, nasty. It was like MC Hammer pants, but they weren’t supposed to be that loose. If he had to hold them up while he was dancing, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How much did you spend? Did you put $5 in as well? Or how much did you put in? I got $10 worth of quarters before you arrived. Yeah. And we spent it all. Oh, I didn’t think we did. Yeah, we spent it all. Yeah, I think I played a couple of things before you got there, a couple of games of pinball. And then I walked outside. And then you just kept reaching in my pocket. Yep. Daddy. Elephant with peanuts or something. I am sad that I did lose at air hockey. Very sad. Yeah, there was a mean air hockey game going on there. I don’t know if you noticed there’s somebody in here that’s Manny. We can’t hear you, Manny. I’m sorry. I don’t hear you. Can you hear me now?
There you go. We can hear you now. Manny, would you talk some sense into Miles about his attire? I mean, come on. This guy with the sweatpants. It’s like, you know, these are supposed to be the before sweatpants, but he’s still wearing them. How long have you had them, Miles? You know, a while now, I guess. It’s a running joke. Cause he like hated them. I go, okay. Every time I see this bastard, I’m wearing these things. This is what your wife keeps telling her friends. It’s just a running joke. I’m still with them every year. Oh no. It’s just a running joke that I’m still married to this guy. Thank you. Thank you. Children are grown, but it’s just a joke. Yeah. Well, I had a good time. You can laugh all you want, but you know,
How’s mailman? Can we call you Manny the mailman anymore? I mean, former? I guess not. I guess Manny the retired mailman. Retired mailman. They don’t like the term for that, do they? Like, you know, sometimes whenever you retire, like, you know, you get like a new moniker. We have like for our union, like the retired president is for it. president Emeritus, but i don’t know. There you go. The mailman emeritus that’s correct i think the godfather yeah the guy i’ve kissed the hand of the godfather. I don’t know that reflects badly on him. Yeah, I did. To show the respect. Yes. They’re slurping all over his fingers. God. Well, that’s his problem. I’m finally able to stay up late enough to come and listen to your show. Bangladesh. This is the middle of the night. Aaron down the curtains. So, uh, so can you believe it? Miles showed up, uh, Saturday to meet me, uh, you know, at, uh,
He said he would be there, and then he actually was. Wow, that doesn’t happen often. No, it doesn’t. It’s turnover and new leaf this year. Were you guys affected by those big rains? Maybe not you, Bob, but Miles, did that get into your area? No. It was up in Wisconsin, right? Uh, yeah, I don’t live up there. I’m a fib. I don’t live up there. It’s a fib. Fucking Illinois bastard. No, they call people passing people call Illinois people fibs. Fucking Illinois bastards. Really? Okay. I’ll take that. Look it up. It’s true. The, uh, now what day was it? It was Sunday. Um, The highway shut down because of the rain here. 55. It rained so hard at 5570 in St. Louis that it shut down everything. Dang. Yeah. That’s no small feat. It was bad when I came back from New Orleans. We were hitting storms right by your house. Yeah. Lots of storms these days here.
I’m going to have to stop by Bob’s house, I guess. We can’t go any further. I hope he has… No, just keep driving. You’re fine. Plenty of soda and caramel corn. Yeah, I need some fiddle faddle. Toilet paper. Yeah, toilet paper. Would you like a new pair of sweatpants that may be fit? I don’t know. I actually went to Bob’s apartment once with horrible diarrhea. I could not stay out of the bathroom when we got there. Remember that? Yes, I do. It was horrible. I just wouldn’t quit. I was like, oh, my God. I have to go again. Here comes one new Super Bowl on the way out. It ruined my colon. Yeah, I’m sure that’s what ruined your colon. Possibly being flung from a high-speed moving vehicle or something might have did your colon in. Yeah. Well, your stupid fries in a bag. Would you eat that, Manny? Someone making their own french fries in a nasty garbage bag like Bob used to do? What kind of garbage bag was this? A paper bag. God. How did you do it? So let me tell you here, Manny. When you’re a poor college student,
You go buy a big sack, a biggest stack of potatoes you can buy. And then you wash them. Don’t peel them. Cut them up into, you know, French fries. Get some oil. You cook them. And then you take that paper grocery sack that you got the potatoes in. Throw the greasy fries in there. Put some salt in. Shake it up. Fries in a bag. Uh, there’s a place. I don’t know if they have them by you guys called five guys. Oh yeah. Five guys. Love that. They give them to you in a bag. So I’ve had those. And then I always used to joke that it always makes it better if you leave the receipt in the bag. But yeah, I used to make fries in the bag all the time because I was poor and I could just buy a big sack of potatoes and make French fry, big thing of French fries and eat, you know. It was nasty. It was a cheap meal. It was nasty. You know, you can reuse the oil. Everything’s cheap about it. I’m pulling out like roach legs out of my mouth. Oh, come on. Sick. Sick. That’s because you eat roaches. I don’t know what’s wrong with you.
Yeah. I guess that was the protein. Yeah, that’s right. Two grams, two grams of protein. I probably swore off, uh, heading with, you know, hanging out with like poor people like bob i’m like oh yeah exactly yeah what are you talking about? You’re always over bumming stuff off of me. And I’m like, I’m, poor rich suburbanite and here. I know i had like all this money. Why was i even eating your food? I’m like, wow. You’re like, Oh, Hey, can i have a big cake? Cola? Sure. Yeah, go ahead. And then he’d come out wearing like this, this beach towel as his napkin, like a full body thing. It’s like no lazy boy. And I’m like, are you really that messy of an eater that you need like a full covered, you know,
Hey, be prepared, my friend. Be prepared. It was a little weird. I still do that. I had lunch today. So every day at lunch at home here, because I work from home now, every day at lunch, I go down and make my lunch and I eat. And I probably pull, you know, I unroll probably, I don’t know, about five or six paper towels all together. And tuck it into my shirt. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. So nothing gets on me. He’s a mental patient. He is a complete mental patient. And every day I do that. I peel off a big old thing of paper towels, tuck it in my shirt, and then I don’t get any food on me. You should just get one of those barber things the barber puts on you. That’s kind of…
That’s kind of what I had in college was basically a beach towel. I’d wrap around myself. It was weird. It was weird. Well, you know, come on. I can’t be, this is just weird, man. I can’t be getting all dirty. Come on. What’s wrong with that? What’s wrong with wanting to be clean? Like I had like three t-shirts in college. He’s like, I can’t get none of them clean. Dirty. I know I live right next to the, uh, laundromat as well. Jinx, yeah. I live right across the alley from the laundromat. But I don’t want to spend all my money doing laundry. Come on, man. Yeah, I guess. I don’t know what you’re spending your money on. Obviously, you’re not. Christ, get those sweatpants and stuff. I love them. I love those sweatpants. I do. Well, it shows. You’re
fly. I like them. I put on my Merce and my sweatpants and I just go out. So Manny, what are you doing for retirement now? Are you not working at all? Are you not picking up any cash jobs or anything? Not yet. I left work on April 30th and I said I wanted to take the summer off so I’m kind of bumming around. Yeah, so you’re not doing anything, huh? I’m looking for the fall for something to do a couple days a week. Okay. You’re limited how much. If you make too much, then they start taking your… Yeah, not if it’s cash. Yeah, I need like under the table job. Yeah, you got to get a cash job, man. You got to get one of those ones where, you know, you drive somebody around or something, they just pay you cash. There used to be a couple of…
funeral homes in the area that would, you know, you could go drive the car to the cemetery something like that. Hand you an envelope at the end yeah after my dad retired, he had a sweet deal driving a grain truck. The guy, the guy would during harvest, he would drive the grain truck and then he also served the semi right and then so then he got paid cash. the whole time. And then he also got free lunch. That was his, he thought the free lunch was the best part of it. To be honest with you. He’s like, he’s like, Hey, he bought me free lunch again today. Fantastic dad. Yeah. I’m searching. I’m searching. I haven’t found it yet. You know, I’m surprised, uh, you know, maybe there’s a courier service. I mean, you have credentials for Christ’s sake. There you go. You could be, you could be like, uh, in St. Louis, they have same day courier. Um,
But, you know, I don’t know if they do cash, though. That’s the only problem. Yeah, a lot of places can’t anymore because the IRS kind of cracked down on it. They’re always getting everybody’s business. I’m telling you. You can wash cars. Oh, there you go. Talk about washing cars. This man’s a professional. Well, you’re putting out people that wash cars? Well, man, he can’t. He’s not washing cars. He knows how to do stuff. Come on. I bet he can detail the hell out of a car, I bet. Yeah. I bet. I don’t think I could even do that, to be honest with you. Yeah, when I find out, I will let you guys know. Yeah, I think you need to get some kind of cash job going on somewhere. My friend had a sweet gig. He worked for a car dealer, and he would drive a car from New Jersey to Connecticut and
And then bring a different car back like they would trade cars between the dealers. So he gets a drink out to drive like all brand new cars all over the place. That’s great. That’s a good one. He could be an Uber. No, because they track everything on Uber. No, he buys like an old refurbished mail truck and that’s his Uber. And he picks up people like he’s got kind of like a pseudo uniform on and stuff. How about I just I’ll do boober. I only pick up women with big breasts. I thought you meant you’d just take miles around. You didn’t say it could be guys. Because I’m telling you that, you know, that fanny pack he had draped over his shoulder was really kept in one tit.
I think Bob was eye raping me the whole time. I’m like, geez, weirdo. You weirdo. You need to put it around your waist for Christ’s sake. Your belly was touching everything. I was told that’s the way you wear it. You wear it like Indiana Jones. We were playing pinball, Manny, and by the time we get done, the chrome on the front of the pinball machine was so fucking polished from the sky. I rubbed up against it. It was banging the pleasure machine. Yeah, he was like, he was working his hips and everything and then you’d walk away and be like gleaming. Oh my lord! Everyone had a good time. Yeah. Yeah. The coin slot had the best time. It helped with my ED. Yeah. I’m like, oh my lord. Thank god they don’t put the buttons on the top. It’d be hitting all the
Special plays or whatever. Bob bought lunch, too. He did that for me. He did that when I met him, too. You came a long ways, Manny. So did you, Miles. Yeah, that’s true. Miles bought you lunch, Manny? Yes. I think it was dinner. I don’t know what it was. With Smidge. Remember you and Smidge came in? Yeah, it was like that monsoon weekend. It would not quit raining the whole weekend. I’m like, geez, that’s crazy. Where were we at? Chicago. No, I mean, we were like in Greektown or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Smidge drove us all over the city. Oh, yes. Yeah, I do remember that now. Yes. That was very scary. Yes. Well, Smidge doesn’t have a great record of driving, I don’t think. Yeah.
No, he’s like driving and trying to queue up like, I don’t know if he had like a CD or something, but he’s like, hold on, Miles, I’m going to queue something up. I’m like, no, no, just drive, drive. No, no, no, no, no, stop. Man, dude, just concentrate on one or the other. Man, don’t. Yeah, he’s staring at me. That’s a pretty nice Merce you got there, Miles. That was my pre-Merce days, yeah. Yeah, I know. He didn’t have sweatpants on that weekend. They packed more clothes. That’s before the cancer patient got the cancer, I think, so he didn’t give away all his clothes. Give away all his bitchin’ sweatpants. Yeah. Yeah. Miles and I went to the sweatiest subway in the world, I believe, this trip. I was having hot flashes the whole time. I was like some woman. We went in…
There was more flies inside subway than there were flies outside subway. That was the great part. Yeah. I mean, like the guys working there, it looked like they were like from lettered Skinner band or something like that. And I think there were a black Oak, Arkansas. I think that was, yeah. It was one kid. This kid’s like so carefully putting cheese on my sandwich. It’s like a, Yeah. It was like some autistic thing going on. Like, okay, hold on. And we had another dude with a beard and whatever else. A dark canyon or something. Whatever else. Yeah, it was so sweaty in there. Literally, we left because it was hotter inside than it was outside. Yeah. Was the meat and the vegetables and everything all sweaty, too? Yeah, it was like a sweat factory, and I’m like, I don’t know. I ate it because I was hungry, but I was like, hmm. Hey, you know what we missed, though? I think there was like a museum across the street or something. What? I don’t think so. No, there was like a silhouette, like some statue, a silhouette of like a guy pumping gas or something. No, pump it up.
I think I was wishful thinking on your part. It’s for real. I will send you this. I think it was amazing. It’s like Route 66 or something, man. Oh, okay. Well, that could be because we were on Route 66. But no, we had a good time. And this is our, what do you call it? It’s not annual. It’s like not biannual. What would it be called? If you skip every other year, what’s that called? I don’t even know. Oh, that’s hard words. I don’t know. Yeah, I don’t know what that is. Isn’t that biannual? No, I thought biannual was when you meet twice a year. I don’t know. We meet every two years. Is it? On average, so I think it’s more than that. Yeah, it’s more than that. It’s been more frequent, but yes, it’s usually several times.
couple of years in between. So, but especially miles because I paid for most everything. Yeah, he did. That was really cool. Hang on, Manny. I’m here.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Hey, my workstation. This is Bob. Oh, you started recording that. You jerk. Frickin’ jerk, man, for recording that, man. That’s some bullshit, man. Oh, my gosh. That is some bullshit. That’s some bullshit. That’s some bullshit. All right, let’s edit that out, man. I want people to know. Editor. We’ll fix that in post. We’ll fix it in post. Yeah, thanks. Fix it in post. I’m on top again. Yeah? Yeah. Well, I know you have some ego problems, so. Well, no. I have some problems. Oh, my God. You were like on one tonight. You were on a tear. I got one less problem without you. Mm-hmm. You know that? Yeah, you’re trouble tonight. Walmart for Christ’s sake. I did. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, you’d already went. I already went. Yeah. Every time you go Walmart, when you’re in one of these snits, you get yourself in trouble. I know. I just went there to get a story. I’m like, man, I need something like weirdos to do some weird stuff. If I walk around the store long enough, my, uh, uh,
my sweatpants who don’t have a drawstring will fall down and that’ll be a funny story. You know, that is not too far from the truth, actually. That’s the funny part. The soiled shirt I’ve been wearing all week. You know, say something about it. I would hope that wouldn’t happen tonight because I’m wearing like these old Chicago bear, like boxer underwears and they’re full of holes. I refuse to throw it away. And my wife is like, please, please throw those away. And I go, no, I will not until they win the Superbowl again. I will not throw these away. This is like the flag. You don’t throw it away. You burn it. Yeah, that’s right. That’s right. Yeah, these are like the nastiest, holiest things, you know. I mean, if I leave my drawers, people are going to see like a lot of stuff dangling and stuff because it’s just the way it is. Because I got pendulous butt cheeks.
i don’t even know what that means my nickname in high school was clackers yeah Oh, nice. They call me metronome. Oh, there was a kid in high school that had a lot of back acne and they used to call him pizza ass. How did you get through that? It wasn’t me. It wasn’t me, dude. All right. Yeah, unfortunately, he had a hearing problem. He kept saying, boy, everybody says I’m a piece of ass. Which is weird, the boys’ locker room. Yeah, you’re right. Well, hey, you take it where you can get it. Yeah, I try not to spend a lot of time in the boys’ locker room. Even as an adult. I hope you don’t spend time. Coach Tidal, what are you doing staring at us? You’re a weirdo, man. You’ve got some weird stuff going on. I’m doing jock check, son. Just a jock check. It’s a swimming class. Oh. Always be prepared. Safety first.
You never know when an errant kick gets you right in the jimmies, you know? Although, I know I’ve told you this before, but my dad went to Chicago school and they said they had to swim naked all the time. Right. We’re playing shirts and skins and water polo, kids. That’s weird, man. If they would have said, okay, you’re all going to swim naked, I’d be like, I’m taking the zero right now. I’m taking the zero. It was normal back then. I mean, people just ran around naked. No, come on. That’s weird, man. No, it was all part of the culture. Okay. Hey, you swim naked? Yeah, I swim naked. You swim naked? Yeah, I swim naked. I swim naked. Hell, we went to class naked. It’s all naked. That guy. We called the nudie school. I said, you go to nudie school? Yeah, I went to nudie school. I don’t think my dad went to nudie school, jerk. You freaking jerk. I’m pretty sure he did. Nah, come on. My dad went to Waller High School. Screw you, man.
Hey, he’s a baller from Waller, the nudie school. Mm-hmm. Oh, my gosh. Well, you remember last week, I told you there was two things last week that happened that I’ve never, ever encountered before. Do you recall this at all? Let me think. Okay, so last week. No, no, no, no, no. Come on, man. Don’t be like that, man. Come on, now. No, you went to like water aerobics with your wife and a bunch of old people and the old people were like better than you. And then you were like, like you were feeling bad because you wore like your shirt in the pool. Cause you didn’t want. No, I didn’t. You were the one who was accusing me of wearing this shirt in the pool. I didn’t wear my shirt in the pool. I bet you wore the shirt in the pool. Cause you’re like, I don’t want these old people to see my. I didn’t. I think you did. Well, you can think that, but it’s not true. You probably have on your Judas priest.
t-shirt or something. It’s just like your dad went to nudie school. My dad didn’t go to nudie school. Screw you, man. My dad didn’t go to no nudie school. Screw you. Frickin’ jerk. So the other thing that happened last week, first for me, well, there was actually more than one, there was actually more than two, but the second thing led to another first. So I don’t necessarily count it. So you were the first time I’ve ever taken a laxative. I never in my life had taken a laxative for any reason. You’re changing the whole dynamic of the show. You know this. I mean, you’re swimming with old people last week. This week, you’re taking laxatives. Well, the reason is I got conned into getting a colonoscopy. Oh, you’ve never had one. I’ve never had one. I had to take a laxative.
How did you wait? How did this happen? Cause I’ve always like, you should get your prostate, you know, and stuff. I didn’t do the prostate. I just got your phone looked at. Yeah. How’d that go? I’ll tell you. Okay. Wait, I got video. Hold on a second. I will. I’m I I’m off the show, man. If this pulls that up, I’m not watching it. As you see, this is where we’re entering. Yeah. Pizza ass. Yeah. Uh-oh. Yeah. So, no, I had, like, months ago, I had to go to the doctor for, like, an ear infection. Right. And, you know, they have you at their mercy because I needed an antibiotic. And nowadays, they hold on to those things like, you know, They’re life-saving, you know what I’m saying? So I was like, no, you can’t. You have to come in. Oh, wait a minute. We got to look at it. You said ear? We thought you said rear. We thought you had a rear infection. And so I had to go in, and then I got the nth degree from the nurse practitioner. Wow, yeah.
And so I ended up – it was like I went to the garage and they’re like, well, you know, Bob, you could use four new tires, oil change, and transmission. And I’m like – and they’re like, you know, you got to do it all. I’m like, what? I’ve lived my whole life not doing anything. Why all of a sudden do I have to – Do you really want to die now? You know, children fatherless at this stage in their life. Yeah. It gave me the nth degree. So that’s called a Polish brain surgery. So I gave in, I said, sure. Okay. I guess it’s been, I guess it’s been, you know, I turned into Christopher Lalkin. Sure. Okay. I guess it’s been long enough.
And, um, so they’re like, okay, here you call this place and you go, you know, get yourself set up for a colonoscopy you’re gonna come back in a couple weeks we’re gonna draw blood right you know we’re gonna do all this stuff in the meantime, quit eating like a fucking 10 year old and walk around every once in a while. Those were my instructions. You didn’t whip out your step counter that you’re always bragging about? I did talk about that. Oh, I bet you did. Yeah, bullshit. Yeah. She just said bullshit to me. Yeah, you are a bullshitter. And then the other thing was she’s like, what did you have for lunch yesterday? I go, well, leftover pizza. She’s like, you think that was a good choice? I’m like,
Well, yeah, because we had leftover pizza. Yeah, there was a lot of it. It was leftover. Casey’s Pizza? Yeah, me. That wasn’t Casey’s. So I really got kind of the verbal pummeling when I went to the doctor. So I said, okay, this is just like the other thing. I’m like, okay, I’ll do it. Sign me up. Mm-hmm. So they’re like, no, you’ve got to sign yourself up. This is the worst part. They don’t even do it for you. They make you do it. You know what I mean? I mean, one thing if I just said, yeah, okay, you know, sign up. No. Okay, here’s the number. You call them. You go through all the menus. You set. No. Oh, my God. My doctor’s place, they check all that stuff out before you leave. Like, okay, you’re going in Wednesday. No, no. I had to do it all on my own. So.
So then I put it off for a couple of weeks. I finally go. And then the stupid colonoscopy guys like, well, I’m not just going to see, you know, we’re just not going to do that. You got to come in. I’m like, fuck. Consultation. Consultation. 400 bucks. So I go in to the consultation and I get this nice young lady who comes in and asks me a bazillion questions about my health. And, and she’s like, you know, You don’t take any medication. I’m like, no, nothing, nothing. Yeah. And she’s like, do you feel all right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She’s like, okay. All right. Well, it looks like we can, we can get you. And how about, you know, and then she starts scheduling me up or whatever. And I’m like, all right, whatever. I’ll do it. Yeah. You know, you don’t want to die.
Everybody says that. You don’t want to die. Ma’am, you don’t even know me. Yeah. You don’t even know me, ma’am. Don’t want to die. I’m like, you know, I can’t be honest in these meetings. Totally. I’m like, lady, for the last like 40 plus years, I shit at the same time every day. Wow. That’s pretty regulated. I’m regular as fuck. I’ve never taken a laxative in my life. I’ve never been backed up. Right. Nothing. This is a machine right here. It’s the pooping machine that I’ve got going on right here. Yeah. I swear to God, everybody’s like, oh, there’s so much red meat. There’s no red meat in my system. It all comes right out. Yeah. You weirdo. I get these instructions on what I’m supposed to do to prep before I go into colonoscopy. And so one of them was you had to take a bunch of this laxative and then you had to mix this other laxative in some kind of drink and drink this 32 ounces of laxative drink. Yes. So I’m like, all right, I’m
you know, and for a penny and for a pound, I’m going to do this. And so, you know, on my scheduled time when I was supposed to do this, take the laxatives and, you know, like within, I don’t know, maybe 35 minutes, I’m like, yeah, everything’s, I’m good, right? Oh, yeah. Literally, everything was pretty much out of my system before I ever drank the other shit. I did not… There wasn’t anything in there. The chaser. Yeah. I’m like, I’m like, I’m pooping water and I haven’t even drank the mixture. Yeah. Yeah. And I will tell you, I made one critical error. Oh boy. Here we go. So, you know, they had, they gave me a sheet and say, okay, you can, you can take it with, you know, tea. You can take it with water. You can’t take it. You can take it with Gatorade. You can take it with, you know, you can’t take it with anything that’s red or purple. Okay. And I’m like, well, I’m like, am I going to choke all this down?
I have no idea what it’s like because I’ve never ever taken it before. I thought it was going to be gritty or something. It wasn’t. I had my wife get me some Crystal Light lemonade packets. I mixed it all up with that and I drank 32 ounces of Crystal Light laxative. The horror as I shit yellow bright bright bright yellow god this is disgusting. Like continuously for like 12 hours i’m gonna be sick it was so it was i was like it was it was the weirdest. It was like a fire engine yellow. Yeah. And literally that i just did that. So then I’m like, and I felt horrible. I felt my wife’s laughing at me. How are you finally doing this? I can’t believe it. You know, you should have tried different colors and be like, Hey, like give me green. Let’s do one bottle of this. And one bottle. Yeah. I’m going to do water next. If I have to do this ever again, I’m not, I’m only going to do water. That’s for sure. Yeah. Yeah. So I, uh, I feel horrible. I feel like I’m ill because I’m,
I basically just processed all this straight through my system. There was nothing to stop it. Nothing. I think I pooped twice and then everything else after that was just water. I go in the next day. My wife has to take me. I have to have somebody take you. Obviously, they make you get naked and put on a stupid gown. You get on this gurney. The thing is, we go to this place and I swear to God, the waiting room looked like the waiting room of the dead at Beetlejuice. It was such a shitty waiting area. My poor wife had to wait in it the whole time. So I go back, they call me back. And as we’re going back, I look in the end of the hallway, the door is open to the outside. And I asked the lady who was like, you know, the nurse or whatever, leading me back. I’m like, are we going outside? Yeah. Pick the table. And she starts cracking up. She’s like, no. And I’m like,
okay, that door’s open. It’s like 90 bazillion degrees here today. People pay money. We let them look in. So then she takes me in, tells me to strip down and get on the gurney. And so I’m laying there and I don’t know where she’s like, oh, you can keep your socks on because I actually, normally I don’t wear socks. Anytime it’s warm enough, it doesn’t even have to be that warm, just warm enough. I do not wear socks or shoes most of the day. So I asked my wife, I go, you think I should put socks on? She’s like, yeah, you better put some socks on. And so I’m just in my socks and the gown and I’m laying there, you know, this is freaking me out. I’ve only been put under anesthesia once in my life and it was not a pleasant experience. So yeah, that was in college actually. So yeah, when my niece was
You’re an A, yeah. Then I’m laying there and the lady comes in and she’s like, okay, we’re going to put you to sleep here in a little while, but first I got to get you hooked up with an IV and all this stuff. Tell me about the procedure. She goes to put the IV in and it’s like free-for-all on dropping things on my crotch. Yeah. I can’t remember what she had. I don’t know if it was a notepad or something. She just drops it right on my crotch. Then she gets me IV’d up and I’m like, now am I going to go to sleep? She’s like, no, not yet. The narcissist is going to come in and talk to you. I’m just getting you ready to go to sleep. I’m like, okay. Then they
He comes in and he’s, you know, chatting me up. Hey, how you doing today, Bob? How’s it going? You ready for this? I’m like, no. And then he proceeds to drop the, he’s hooking up things to my chest, you know, to monitor me while I’m asleep. He drops the fucking junction thing on my nuts. Yeah. Mike, what is it with these people? They might as well put a bullseye on this thing, for Christ’s sake. Everybody’s hitting it with shit. Oh, my gosh. So then he’s like, I’m like, I go, so he goes, and he’s like, okay, so what’s going to happen is we’re going to take you into the procedure room. Yeah. And, you know, you’re going to roll over on your side, and then I’m going to give you some stuff in your IV, and you’re going to be out like that. I’m like, really? I’m like, I don’t know.
And then he’s looking at my leg and he’s like, hey, what’s with the knee? He goes, you had surgery with your knee, I guess. I go, yeah. Those are some big holes in your knee. I have all these scars. By the way, I’m just looking over here. Speaking of big holes. So then he’s like, okay, roll over towards me. Uh-huh. And I went, okay. And then, you know, like, I remember when I had my knee surgery, they gave me stuff to go into surgery to knock me out. And it took a while because I ended up talking to the doctor as I was going under. And he kept calling me the wrong name. And I couldn’t get out my name. I’m like, that’s not me. That’s not me.
Um, and so this time though, the guy, he, he hooks up a thing and he plunges it and God damn. I’m going to throw this on your nuts in about a minute. If you’re not asleep, like, uh, tingles go up my neck and I was out. It felt like I was going into the matrix for Christ’s sake. You know, when he turns inside out, that’s what it felt like. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I’m out, and I guess they go to town on looking at my butt. Yeah. Because I have nowhere. And then the next thing you know, I wake up, and they’re not done. Oh, no. oh shit, he’s awake. Yeah, I didn’t hear anybody say that, but in my head, because I couldn’t speak, I was still sedated enough, right? Yeah. I’m like wiggling. I mean, this guy was working it. My whole body was wiggling.
And in my head I go, well, I guess I’ll just let him finish. Oh, my God. And then the next thing I know, I’m in the recovery room. So I don’t know if I woke up briefly and he hit me with another jolt or… Hey, Wiggles, you okay? I know I was awake because I, you know, I mean, I was coming into consciousness for a moment there. And I couldn’t feel anything in my butt, but I certainly could feel that something was happening. Yeah. So then I’m in there. And actually, I think it started with the anesthetist guy. He’s like, hey, Bob. Hey, Bob. And he’s like pushing me, you know, like pushing on your shoulder. Wake up. Hey, Bob. Hey, Bob. Hey, Bob. Wake up. And then I’m like, what? And then he goes, oh, good. You’re awake. Like, I was really out of it.
And so then another different nurse comes in and is like, okay, whenever you’re ready, I want you to get up and go to the bathroom because you’re full of gas. I’m like, what? They pump air? Yeah, they pump me full of carbon dioxide. Yeah. And I’m like, all right. And so I just start getting up. And I wasn’t ready to get up yet. And I started fumbling around. You realize you’re in the waiting room. Honey, what are you doing in the bathroom? Yeah. I kind of like, she’s like, you don’t have to get up yet. And I’m like, no, I’m getting up. And then I stumble back to the back. There’s like a bathroom in the thing, you know, and I go back there and she gives me my clothes and she’s like, after you get done, you can go to, you know, get dressed. And I’m like, all right, whatever lady.
I don’t know. I’m angry at this point. I don’t know why. It’s almost like it’s a dream at this point in the time. I let out this tremendous fart, just huge, roaring. Guess what? What? I left the bright yellow Oh, God. You’re still shitting yellow. God. I’m like, holy moly. This is the worst idea I’ve ever had drinking lemonade. Oh, my Lord. Look at me. I’m curious. Yellow. Yeah. Oh, look at that. So anyway, I take care of that. I get dressed. I’m still kind of groggy. And I’m asking everybody questions. I’m like, what’s that? what is there? Like, what’s that full of? She’s like, those are all scopes. I guess that’s what they stick up your butt. Oh, really? And then she’s like, okay, we’re going to take you over to see the doctor. And, uh, is it okay if your wife is in there with you? I’m like, yeah, I guess so. And so anyway, my wife’s in there with me and we’re sitting there waiting for the doctor. I’m still like loopy is all good. Yeah.
And I’m looking around and I’m like, you know, talking to her a little bit. And then this, the doctor comes in. Now I, uh, failed to mention on my, my earlier when I met him, uh, he didn’t give me a lot of confidence, but I stuck with it. Right. I figured what the hell. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Because he has one of his eyes. He was like Marty Feldman. His eye was going all the wrong way. One of them. Oh no. That’s a guy who just pegged you. Oh shit. Yeah. Exactly. He’s very nice, uh, gentleman but yeah. And then my wife’s like, she’d never met him. She meets him and she’s because you could, I could just tell. She’s like, Oh my Lord. Look at how his eye is like nowhere near being in alignment. You know, you’re like that guy from harry potter yeah mad eye moody yeah so uh so he you know he goes you did a great job on your prep work.
And I go, thank you. I didn’t know what he meant. My wife’s like, you know, he meant that you took all your stuff and shit everything out. Right. And, and, and so just for everybody’s, you know, knowledge, I’m cancer free. I have no cancer. Thank God. And I had, he said, I have one small polyp and that was it. Yeah. And I’m like, I could have told you that, you know, I didn’t have to go through all this. Yeah. I am Mr. Regular. You know what I mean? Right. I don’t know if that helps or not, but nothing stays in there long enough to matter. Anyway, for whatever reason, I’m still loopy. I was proud of myself. Did I get a sticker or something? Call it cancer-free? Yeah, it’s on your ass cheeks. We put it on there.
So anyway, then at this point, my wife had only, let’s see, how long was she there? I guess we were there for like maybe an hour and a half or two hours. And she’d had enough. She was ready to go home. Well, she drove me home, but she was like, God, it took forever. And I’m like, I don’t know. I don’t know. She’s like, what are you doing back there? I’m like, I don’t know. I don’t know. So, yeah, so I had, now I’ve experienced what you’ve experienced multiple times. I had one where I was awake. Yeah, I should try that one. Oh, no. Yeah, there’s one where you’re awake. I think I would have rather had that, to be honest with you. I don’t know. I don’t think so. Do they sing to you or, like, you know, soothe you so I stroke your forehead? They give you dinner first, and then, I don’t know.
I give you dinner and then they go in. No, I’m joking. You know, so yeah. Well, let’s work on that prostate next. Yeah, I guess so. Can’t they look at that on the way? I mean, isn’t it somewhere close by? No, that’s more money. Well, maybe next time I’ll get cajoled into doing that. Next time I need, you know, life-saving drugs, they’ll cajole me into doing some other thing. Oh, and here’s the kicker. Yeah. I give my blood work back. Oh. All normal range for just about everything. My cholesterol is like two points over the line. But everything else within acceptable limits. Well, good. So your pegging went good. That’s good. Well, I think that nurse practitioner is going to be all mad because she’s like, oh, here’s a big fucked up idiot that I can, you know, have coming in here for the, you know. Out.
They get a kickback. They’re all buddies. They get a kickback for doing that shit. Come on. She thought for sure I was diabetic or something. Yeah, you’re something. I don’t know what. I’m like, oh, she’s so mad. I got my results, you know. Yeah, nothing. I mean, I suppose I should do something about my two points for cholesterol. You’ll be all right. Yeah, I think I’ll make it. I’ll survive. You’ll be all right. And I’ll get hit by a car or something. But other than that, maybe. So anyway, that’s the big saga. The the the first I can see you’re thrilled.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Little. You got little. Yeah, you got little. There we go. You got little, but now you’re big. I got little. Now I’m big. That could be a song. Got little. You’re little. Little big. I call him little big because he’s little and he’s big. Oh, yeah. He’s little and he’s big. Yes. I had to. Hey, this is Miles, and you took me by surprise. I didn’t realize that you were laughing, laughing, laughing. You just love that song, don’t you? No, I started following the singer’s daughter on TikTok. Yeah, I would gather there’s a lot of daughters you’re singers you’re following? Uh, Lorelei, Lorelei, Lorelei Bachman. I told her that I would sing her daddy. What’s that? I told her that I’d sing her daddy’s song on the podcast. Oh yeah. And she goes cha-ching. Yeah. Like where’s the money, dude? No. You know, like a buck and a quarter. So I did. So promise kept. Okay.
Promise kept. If you call it that, sure. Promise kept. How many other famous daughter, singers’ daughters are you following? Oh, God damn it. What was that guy? It was a one-hit wonder. Norman Greenbaum. No, no, no. I won’t think of it. I will not think of it, but like He always mentions it. Like, hey, just so everyone knows who my dad is. Just so everyone knows that he had that one song. He had the one song. I don’t remember what the fuck. What era was it? I was in the 80s. Madero’s? Glenn Madero’s or something. Glenn Madero’s? Yeah. No, I don’t know. Someone like that. I don’t know. It was like daughters all like, hey, look at Living La Vida Loca? Yeah. Ricky Martin? Yeah, it was Ricky Martin, yeah. Okay. Well, now that we’ve solved that riddle. Riddle me this, Bob Lament. Right. Riddle me this. So, are you okay? Are we all right? No, my nose is itchy, sorry. Oh, God. Well…
That’s, you know, put it a work order for Christ’s sake. Yeah. Itching that nose like a job. Mm-hmm. It’s like road work on the summertime. Christ. You remember a long time ago, you accused me of picking my nose on the air and I didn’t. I said, I was itching it. And you’re like, no, you were picking your nose. I saw you picking your nose that I ate it when you didn’t look. And you’re like, Oh, a hundred bucks. This is smells. Kid eats the booger. You’re wrong. You’re wrong. So did you, are you admitting to revelation? No, I wiped it on your coat. Oh, what? Yeah, that’s okay. Laughing. Laughing. Did she ever say that her father was in an insane asylum or anything? I missed that part of the story if she did. I don’t know. Maybe that’s where he got the song from. Everybody around him was laughing. Laughing.
Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Well, this last week, two things have happened to me. Let me put it this way. I’m going to change it a little bit. Two things. I have done two things that I’ve never done in my life this last week. All right. I’m going to tell you about one of them, and then I’ll tell you about the other one another time, perhaps. Intriguing. So my wife is trying to, you know, I’m getting older. There’s no doubt about it. Yeah. And my wife is, um, you know, encouraging, she’s doing it herself and she’s encouraging me to come along, which typically in the past, I probably would have not do anything. you know, certain exercise type things that I would not normally do. Are you kegeling? Well, I’ve always kegeled. I say kegel, you say kegel. Um, no. So this last week she goes, let’s go to water aerobics. Okay.
I want video. I want video of this. Yeah, I want video. And so she’s been going swimming, like swimming laps, right? Yes. And she’s like, come with me. We’re going to go swim some laps. And I’m like, okay. Come with me. I’ll go with you because I have neglected myself for eons. Go to the Y? Yeah, go to the Y, swim some laps. Yeah. Okay. And, uh, and so i’ve been doing that, you know, anytime she tells me i i go shirt on or shirt off sure what am I? 12? Shirt off. It doesn’t matter. Well, I didn’t, you know, I mean, you got, you know, some sweet titties there. I just didn’t know if you were well i don’t think they’re quite as sweet as yours, to be honest but uh
There was a time in my distant past where I did have some muscles. I think that was before I met you, I think. Yeah, it was before I met you, exactly. You were like Jabba the fucking Hut when I met you. Yeah, distant past, I said. So she goes, I’m going in the morning. You know, you should go with me. And I’m like, All right. Well, I said, wake me up and I’ll see how I’m feeling. I pulled a Miles title on this one. I will try. I will try. Exactly. I’m like, wake me up and I will see how I’m doing in the morning. You know, if I want to do this. And so she did. It was like, I think we had to be there like 730 or something. What the hell was that? What?
Oh, I sound like you’re sucking the bottom of a drink or something. No. Okay. She’s kind of getting everything together. I’m like, I don’t want to go. I’m like, this is not going to be… This is not going to be what I want to… I don’t want to be part of… this aqua aerobics kind of scene, you know what i mean? You have, like, cartoonish shorts that you wear, like scooby-doo or something or yeah jinkies i wear my speedo juicy on the back does it say juicy You know, regular swim trunks or whatever you want to call them. Speedos. Oh my God. Oh my God. I got a visual. I don’t even… I’ve got my swim trunks on. Yeah, so my wife’s getting everything together and I’m laying there and I’m like… Trust me. No, this is not for me, right? I didn’t say this out loud because she’s been really kind and
trying to, you know, encourage me. And I’m like, so then he’s getting ready and I hear she’s just about ready. And, you know, and something flipped in my head. I’m like, I’m going to go. I’m going to do this. Oh, he’s doing a Cameron from Ferris Bueller’s day off. I’ll go. You should be calling me. I’ll go. I’ll go. I’ll go. Yeah. So I hop up. I get my stuff together real quick and we head on over to do the aqua aerobics. Wait, are you going to be dressing in the dressing room? Um, I typically just wear my swim trunks over, but I do change afterwards. Is that what you’re talking about? Yeah. Cause you have like a weird thing about being like in front of people. Yeah.
Yes, I have a weird thing about running around naked in front of people, yes. Like most people do, I think. Hey, dudes. Yeah, I’m not your exhibitionist, if that’s what you’re talking about. I’m thinking you run into the bathroom stall. No, they have little, it’s very updated. It’s not like it was when you were kids where basically they threw you out in the parking lot and told you to change your clothes. Yeah. Yeah. So I put my swim trunks on, grabbed my towel and whatnot and my clothes to put on afterwards. I can’t stand to be all wet. Yeah. Right. So and we get there, we get to the pool. And she and I had the youngest of our sex at this aqua aerobics class. What was that? What? We were both the youngest in our sex. Oh, I’m sorry. Okay. I missed that part. Sorry. Yeah. So I’m the youngest guy. She’s the youngest lady. Oh, yeah. Woman. Yeah. And so it’s all these people that got to be.
at least 10 or 15 years older than us. All right. Let me tell you about Korea. Yeah, exactly. And I’m like, and, and my wife leans over and she’s like, where are the youngest ones here? I’m like, well, what did you think? Yeah. I mean, come on, Jesus, figure it out. But given that now actually one lady who was gone had to be there like forties or something. So she was ended up being the youngest, but, um, what’s that? She was boozing me. I don’t know what that means. I beg honkers. The, uh, so, but you know what? It was actually quite one big problem, but it was actually quite fun. Yeah. I enjoyed myself. We did an hour, believe it or not. Yeah. And they had these, uh,
Waits for the Water, which I’ve never heard of. Are you familiar with any of this? No. I’m thinking of that old Saturday Night Live thing with the synchronized swimming. Oh, Martin Short. It was a little bit like that. But they had these dumbbells, but you use them in the water and they actually are very resistant. It’s wild, but anyway. Yeah, so we went this whole routine. The only problem was it’s an indoor pool, not an outdoor pool. And It’s very echoey and noisy. There’s two pools side by side or close together. The other one, they’re playing some music or whatever. I couldn’t understand a word. Even though I’m not the oldest, I couldn’t understand a word this lady was saying from the front. I was taller. All of the older people were in the shallower area. I went to the deeper
the deepest part of the pool. Um, because I was taller and, um, and also then I was away from everybody. Uh, and she’s like, yeah, exactly. And so then I had to, I had to go over by my wife and I go, what did she say? And she’s like, just follow my, just follow my lead. And so then we did all the, uh, exercises and we’re bouncing around, but yeah, everybody was, I mean, there was like 80 year old people, mostly women, I will say. Yeah. Yeah. There was a couple of guys and then we, uh, um, you know, go through the whole hour of exercises there, which was really quite fun. And then we get done and my wife’s like, did you see those two old people flirting with each other?
I’m like, no. She’s like, they were splashing each other and carrying on. I’m like, no, I wasn’t even paying attention. I just thought they were flailing. Right. They all were drowning. Some of these people just barely moved. They just kind of were floating in the water. Like you? No. No, I was moving. I was doing… I did everything the lady said that I can figure out. I mimicked whatever the hell she was doing. Wait, take off my shorts? What? Well, okay. I think that’s what she said. Okay. That’s what the teacher says. Dunk my wife? Okay. So, I mean, they have you going side to side in a pool and going up and down and doing… Inside out. And then you… grab this pool noodle and you pull your leg up. It’s a whole thing. I swear. Oh, the show officially has become really old. Holy curse Oh my God. I was just like, I never in a million years thought i would do this. And then i did. And I’m like, and she’s like, well, you want to go again? And I said, yeah, I’d go if you want to go again.
We can be by that sexy couple over there. Yeah. The, the, the, yeah, the guy with the obvious heart condition. Cause he’s all puffy. Yeah. Uh, and the, uh, and then the old lady who, you know, has gone through three husbands or something. Yeah. The spry old woman. Who was flailing. No, I was just like, I mean, cause we’ve been, and we went over and did the, uh, the, uh, where you swim in the lanes, right? So you do laps. These people are like fit, you know, these people next to me are like, you know, swimming back forth like five times. I barely make it down once. That’s what I’ve been doing for, uh, at least a week and a half or whatever before we decided to do this. So, but yeah, it was, it was comical, very comical and very, uh, humbling, uh,
Then he went out to get coffee with his senior discount. Yeah. I got, yeah, I got my, I got my AARP card here. The waffles are free. So, yeah, but it was, I mean, it was, they’re all laughing and carrying on. It was like, it was like cocoon for Christ’s sake. I was in. Make sure you eat your oatmeal. Yeah. It’s a wonder everybody didn’t come out of the pool with a heart on it. Christ. I could cut diamonds. Look at it. So that’s, yeah. So there you go. I’d never done it before. I am having a hard time with this. Yeah. This seems like unlike you. Am I inspiring you, Miles, to take care of yourself? Yeah, you have. You have. You think? Well, I’m sure. It’s so convincing, to be honest with you. I have an exercise story, too. Do you really? You’ve done something? Yeah. I don’t believe it. All right. Well, hit me with it. Hit me with your bad shot. All right. So I’ve made friends with this guy.
What? I said, uh-oh. And we went to the pool together. They call him Kirby Bill. I don’t know why. He likes to swim naked. So I said, well, it’s a little weird. Have you ever seen pornographic Viewmaster discs? I don’t know. I would love to. No, this guy has got some acreage, some serious freaking acreage, you know? Okay. And, uh, talking to you for Mr. You know, uh, I just like 10th of an acre or something. We just hit it off. We hit it off. Miles. Let me tell you a story about acorns. Oh, I’d love to hear it. No, but he’s like, you know, you can go there, just, you know, text me, you know, so I know you’re there, you know? Okay. Huh?
I got an apple tree, but don’t take none of my apples. No, no, no, no. He’s got, no, he’s, I’ve not found any, but there’s actually some arrowheads around there and stuff. Oh, okay. So, which I’ve yet to find any, but are you like swinging the metal detector now? Is that what you’re going to tell me? I don’t have one. No, but, um, I pretend. No, uh, well, I don’t think you can find the arrowhead metal detectors anyway, but, uh, I thought, okay, you know what? Even though we’ve had this monsoon summer, this torrential downpour and shit, it’s my dog’s birthday weekend. We’re going to go for a serious freaking walk in these woods. Your dog’s birthday, you’re taking him for a walk in the woods? Yes. Okay.
And not the kind, like he’s getting old and I had to bring the shotgun with me and we’re going to put a bullet in his head or something. Nice. And, uh, that’s nice. And no, I was not, but, uh, so I tell my wife where we’re going. I’ve told my wife exactly where this is. She’s like, oh, okay. Yeah. Whatever, whatever. And, uh, she’s like, don’t take your phone. I don’t want to know where to find you. Yeah, no. Yeah. Right now I have a phone. It was like a 20% when I left, like, oh shit. Oh, yeah, no kidding. And so we get there, we’re walking, walking, walking, walking, and I realized, like, I brought, like, walking shoes, and it’s probably not the right time to be wearing walking shoes, like, in some serious muddy conditions. I’m like, oh, shit, this isn’t good. These crocs ain’t going to cut it out here in the world. Yeah, I wish, yeah, right? It was like, this was a bad idea, you know. It was a gibbet.
Christ. Huh? I’m going to lose a gibbet. Christ. I don’t know what a gibbet is. It’s those little things that people put in Crocs. Oh, I don’t. Sorry. I don’t know what that is. It’s like flare Crocs. I, you know, spray down, get rid of the mosquitoes, but I don’t realize like, like every 10 feet there’s face high. There’s like a spider with a nice web and I’m getting like, like, you know, just like a facial, uh, full of, like, spider, you know. That spider spunk all over me. Mm-hmm. I had to get, like, a stick out and start whacking, like, you know, whacking through the forest. Poor dog where you’re whacking the stick around. Oh, he’s having a great time. He’s running around like there’s no tomorrow. Like, do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. I carried the dog to knock the spider webs down for me. Oh, that’s how much it took off, you know what I mean?
And occasionally this like disappears on my ass, but you know, he’s usually not that. Well, no, he sticks around. Usually sticks around, you know, so I don’t remember his name, but he usually comes back to me. Bingo. And, uh, and, uh, anyway, I decided, okay. At the end of the property is this pretty fricking big Hill. I go, I shouldn’t, I really shouldn’t fuck it. Yolo, you know, Yolo, right. I’m Yolo. And, uh, I go, this is man. Why did I wear these fucking shoes? Shit. You know, like I’m struggling to get up there. This path, you know, like Jesus Christ, this is like monks bound, you know, fricking. I’m sure it’s like monks mound. All right. Except while monks mound has stairs, doesn’t have the stairs. I was like, okay. Yeah. And, uh, I finally get to the top of this cocksucker. I’m like, man, this bitch is tall. And I’m like, man, it’s like,
five miles in the air. I swear to God, it’s like Kilimanjaro. I’m taking pictures, you know, mushrooms and shit, you know, dog. I go out, it’s time to go. Time to leave. You know, getting too hot and human. Right. On my ass. Oh, fuck. I’m like, oh, okay. Okay. All right. I think nothing’s broken. I think I’m okay. I think I’m okay. Right. So you slid down the hill? Uh, no, I, I stopped. I was so fat that, uh, the gravity could not get me. So I was like, I fell on my ass, but I’m like, okay. I go, as long as I can get up, see, I’m not afraid of falling. It’s just like, can I get back up? You know, I’m like, this guy, after you left, the guy goes, you see that big dent in the tall hill dent. That hill ain’t as tall as it would. Yeah. Part of the hill.
I don’t think it was two minutes later. Guess what? Whoa. That’s what it hurt. I’m like, Oh, hopefully there was no like, uh, branches or stumps or anything there. No, I didn’t get hit in the nuts or anything. I’m like, shit, this was up to poop shoot. Yeah. I didn’t know. There wasn’t no food, silly Jerry or nothing. I’m like, I’m getting out of here, man. I’m like, okay. You know, I’ve, I’ve met the challenge now and you’re still, you’re still going. Yeah. And now I’m like, I’m heading, I mean, I go, this has gotta be more than a mile back of the car, you know, Superman crypto dog scenario here where he dragged you back to the car. Oh, no, no, no, no. I mean, occasionally I see a son of a bitch running around. He’s having a great time and he’s usually, if he disappears, he’s not more than about a minute away, you know? Okay.
And, uh, I occasionally see him and i realize after i’m hiking out, I’m like, where’s this son of a bitch at uh-oh i go son of a bitch, where are you? Hey, dumb shit i’m calling i’m calling whistling i like i’m out of breath. I didn’t bring enough water am i these crocs are covered in mud. My ass is all wet. Yeah, I know. I’m like, why? Why did it wear Crocs? You know, he was wearing like Uh, sweat pants that had no drawstring. So I’m like, can like pulling up the sweat slowly, you know, covered in, you know, forest bill, you know, my, oh my God, uh, Martin Sheen at the end of, you know, apocalypse down and I’m like, this dog has disappeared. He’s like, where’s the son of a bitch at walking? I mean, I’m like, this is more than a mile. Maybe this is two miles in the car. I don’t even know. Maybe three.
Maybe three, four. I don’t know. Cool. Let’s go for five. I mean, it was like, holy man, like, but 10 death March. I’m like, geez. And, uh, I hear something like, you know, running through the forest, like I go, man, I really hope it’s that dog and that’s something or whatever. I don’t know what it’s like. No, no dog, no dog. I finally make it back to the car. No dog. I’m like, well, happy birthday. Did you yell happy birthday whenever you left? So now, you know, phone’s on like, you know, 10%. I’m like, oh, I called my wife. I’m like, honey, dog’s gone. What did you do? Didn’t you take a leash? No, no, come on. He’s like half hunting dog, man. He knows what he’s doing. He knows his way around better than me. Yeah, apparently. Yeah. So I’m like,
I’m beeping the horn. I’m like, she goes, where are you? I’m like, it’s the place I’ve always told you. I go, you know, you go over the hill down there and you, it’s like 10 minutes from our house. Remember? Oh, okay. No way. This isn’t going to be like one of those comics where you pull the dog out of your butt crack. Cause you fell on it. Sherman. Yeah, no, this is not, yeah, this is not some Yorkian. Yeah. I’m like, you might want to send our son, you know, you might want to send our son. Hold on, I’m trying to map this thing in Google Maps. Send out the Calvary. You don’t have to use all this mapping bullshit. I’m telling you where it’s at. You go down the hill. Turn by the lake. There’s one freaking lake. You turn by… These are dead-on landmarks, and yet she’s trying to map this thing. I mean, because she’s in the modern age, unlike you. You go to Curly’s Knob…
Yeah. Why do you call it Curly’s knob? A guy named Curly used to expose himself there a lot. And then at the corner game, Curly’s knob. Yeah. I’ll tell you, they could never have that show Dukes of Hazzard on anymore because then everyone would be using their phone to figure out where to go. Well, hold on. Wait. Yeah, hold on. We don’t know the back roads. Yeah. Uh, so I’m like, send our sons. And about that time, the goddamn dog shows up. I don’t know where like, after I haven’t seen him for like maybe 20 minutes, but you son of a bitch. God damn it. He went out to get mangoes mangoes and he’s all wet. He’s like swimming in sewage. I don’t know where the fuck he was at.
Okay. Get in the, get in the front seat where your mom usually sits. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Likely brought a towel. Get in you son of a bitch. I can’t believe, you know, they have long leashes that, you know, no, no, he loves to run. He’s an old dog. He loves running. Why does he want to be a leash for? I’m just saying just so he doesn’t get in trouble. No, he’s just never, like, taken off like that, though. I mean, he just totally, like, give me the finger, like, F you, it’s my birthday. Like, I’m going to get my ya-ya’s out today. Boom. We’re living in Twilight Town. I’m going to go back there, and, like, seven coyotes are going to be out there, like, eating his guts or something. I thought maybe he was going to be humping them. Yeah, well, no, he’s fixed. He’s going to be drowning in the creek or some shit. I don’t know where the fuck.
Oh my God. I just assume he humps everything. Yeah. No, no, no. I’m checking myself for ticks and spiders. Well, heck that could have taken half the day. Well, no, the only time I act like a little bitch though, there was like this like lime green spider on me. I don’t know why I freaked out. I’m like, I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t. I’m like, there’s something wrong. This thing’s been radiated or something. There’s something wrong with this spider. You’re radiating. No spider would be like lime green color. This is not right, man. If I get bit by this, will I be Spider-Man? Yeah. Maybe not. Anyway, puppy’s okay. Uncle Lair, don’t worry about it. How about your butt? Your butt okay? I thought I had seriously damaged my good knee. I’m like, oh. Oh, no. My toxics.
It’s okay. Is it okay today? But man, yesterday I’m like, I think I might’ve really tore something in my leg or something. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So lesson learned. You laughed at me for going to water aerobics and here you are. I know. You know, Edmund Hillary climbing a 10 foot mound of dirt and fall on your ass twice. Sometimes you forget how old you are. You know, you’re like, you know i could probably do this. And you’re like, I have a bad back, bad knee, uh, you know. The only thing, the only thing that surprises me is there wasn’t like, you know, some kind of porno shop at the top of this hill or no gambling or something that’s why you made it all the way up there. No, I just, I knew it was the tallest hill and i go, we’re going up. Come on, yeller. Three slots at the top of the hill
So when are you going next weekend or what? I might. See? Okay. I love you. Have you recovered? I love you. Oh, God. I love you. Now we’ve got to be subjective of this. I love you. Say it. Do you like climbing? I think I heard him say, screw you. Do you trust your daddy? Screw you.

Bad AI Transcript

Hey everybody, welcome to a conversation with the folks from Scalarius. Now we have one of them here, and that is John, and the other one, DW, is doing the tape for America’s Most Haunted or something, so he couldn’t join us. But thanks for being here, John. How’s it going? It’s going good, man. How are you? Is it America’s Most Haunted? That’s one of those things, isn’t it? I don’t know. No, probably not. But even if it was, he wouldn’t be doing it. Oh, okay. Well, let’s get into that. Let’s dismantle that statement. Goodness gracious. So, DW is a hanger on? Is that what you’re trying to say? No, no, no. He’s just… He’s not… Man, there’s… the dynamic of our shows has, it’s going to shift quite a bit. I feel here shortly, but you know, I’m DW is very much a skeptic. I am very much a believer. And so that’s where the dynamic is. But so, so tell us, give us the rundown on the show for people who don’t know. And you know,
Tell us where they can find it. We’ll get that out of the way. We’ll get the plug out of the way and then move on to other stuff. Both myself, John Olsen, and D.W. Serene were both comedians. Funny comedians, too, by the way. Not to pat myself on the back. Not to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty funny. He is most definitely a very funny guy. We’re comedians and we obviously have a paranormal and comedy podcast. And basically we just kind of, uh, it started out, uh, two years ago, almost that it was, uh, interviewing comedians who have had experiences on the road and hotel rooms and bars and clubs they performed in and whatever, but we just expanded out and started, uh, talking to people who’ve had experiences, uh,
that weren’t comedians and me and him are the comedians. So hold on. I’m going to sneeze. or i’m not. No, you didn’t. You didn’t. If anybody wants to know, if you want to know how to stop a sneeze, announce you’re going to do it. Oh, really? Yeah, I think so. It’s an involuntary reaction. People get all mad about it or whatever, but i mean, apparently there’s a way to stop it. And the way it is, is just announce you’re going to do it. It’s similar to diarrhea. I don’t know. Like, um, If you say you’re going to have diarrhea, that never seems to stop it for me, I’ll be honest with you. I’m like, I’m going to have diarrhea, and it just happens. Sometimes it just flows that way. I don’t know. Anyway, so we’re the comedy, I guess, in the paranormal and comedy show. So we have groups on there. We’ve had psychic mediums. We’ve had you on there.
Uh, so I mean, and you had experiences and whatever, just entertainers, whatever authors, things like that. And we just chat it up and see what we can, uh, what kind of show we can come up with. And usually they’re, they’re pretty good. I, I’ve had very few stinkers to be fair, but you know, do happen. Wow. So do you always have a guest or do you, sometimes it’s just you guys? Um, we, 90% is a guest. I might even say 95%. There are shows that we do. We are going to do probably a two to three part series on the Warrens. Oh, yeah. We’re going to have a special guest comic on or whatever, but it is just going to be us and talking about it. Does he have a character that’s based on Ed Warren, perhaps? No.
Oh, that’d be funny if he was like, I’m, you know… Just all serious. I’m Ted Warren. It’s half-brother from a different marriage. Yeah. No. That’d be funny. It’s just… Yeah. I guess… Informative, I guess, talking about that. I have no idea what we’ll do, but we’re gonna do it. It’s the most honest… Comedy, uh, paranormal show on the internet. Yeah. And it gets us in trouble too, by the way so i mean but yeah well that’s cool though. So, but i mean, that’s interesting, but that you you really rely on the guests. And so that’s, I mean, that’s, uh, that’s tough to do so it is you know, kudos. It’s tough to do, especially when, I mean, the guests sometimes, I mean, I’m okay.
Again, I’m going to throw percentages out there. Like 99.9% of the guests are really cool with everything we’ve ever done. And just kind of, I’m not going to say play along because we’re not playing, but, you know, just go with the flow. Right. But there have been a couple that, you know, didn’t really go with the flow too well. Did they know that it was a paranormal show? Or were they thinking it was some type of… true crime and or No, they do this entrepreneurial thing then it was paranormal. I just didn’t think i don’t know if they maybe misunderstood the whole entertainment aspect of it or or what but yeah so yeah all right yeah okay that’s interesting it happens did anybody just leave in the middle? I haven’t had anybody leave, but i had some backlashes.
a couple episodes um but um no i haven’t had anybody leave really no that’s good not yet not yet right yeah well i mean to be honest with you you know the setup is that it’s supposed to be you know funny and kind of off the cuff and so if they leave it’s just as good yeah pretty much yeah because it throws you a curveball and then you can go with that right so and the thing is is that Both myself and DW are, I mean, me probably more recently, but we’re both pretty kind and, you know, we don’t, we’re not outwardly trying to be mean to people. So if anybody really like, I mean, they have to dig pretty deep to get offended to want to be able to, you know what I mean? I guess. Yeah, that’s true. I didn’t find anything offensive.
Whenever I was on the show with you, but maybe if I think about it a little bit. I mean, if you want to. I can think of something. I can think of something. Maybe. I’ll background process that while we talk. So that’s fun, though. So you’re the believer and DW is the skeptic, right? Yeah. I mean, that’s kind of the roles you guys think you inhabit there. Is that the idea? of yeah i mean um yeah it’s just the way we are. I mean, he’s skeptical about everything though. So, I mean, which is ironic because i am the more pessimistic of the both and he’s just the most skeptic. I don’t, you know and i’m trying to, uh, change that about myself, you know, the whole pessimistic thing, but i was trying to be more optimistic. Okay.
Yeah, I try. I do. What are you doing to facilitate that? Well, boy, we’re going to hit this right off. Well, you offered it up. I renewed my faith in Christ. And when I did that, things just, you know, like you’re not supposed to be all down. Hope and all that good stuff, right? Hope, faith, love, you know, all that good stuff. All that jazz. I mean, it’s true. What’s so funny about peace, love, and understanding, right? There you go. Which made it kind of through a bugaboo into the whole Scolarius thing because I’m like, what are we doing now that we can do to glorify God? Because that’s what I want to do, right? I got to glorify God. It’s kind of hard, but we’ve taken a little bit of sabbatical to try to regroup
And when I say a little bit, I’m talking two weeks without recording. So it’s not like a long month or six months or something. No, no. So let me ask you a question. So do you think, so you, you believe that there are ghosts and you, you think you believe in Christ, right? So now what’s, Does Christ believe in ghosts? Funny story. Somebody’s asking me if I’m really blue. Millie, not only am I blue, I’m furry. Sorry. Go ahead, John. Uh, no, Christ doesn’t believe in ghosts. And so really Christ doesn’t believe in ghosts. Um, no, it, but there’s theories on this. Okay. Like, I don’t know how deep you want to get into this, but I’ve, I’ve had some friends go deep. Let’s go. Okay. Fair enough. I’ve had some friends that, um, like if you want to go, like, I don’t know. Um,
I have a friend of mine who was recently on the show, and he’s actually kind of popular on TikTok. He’s actually really popular on TikTok. He goes by the Supernatural Sleuth. He’s from Appalachians, Tennessee. He’s a cop who does paranormal stuff, and he’s also a devout Christian. You know, there’s a lot of cops in the paranormal stuff. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed that. Yeah, no, it’s really cool. Isn’t that interesting? it is so if anybody wants to check out his stuff, it’s the supernatural sleuth. It’s on TikTok. I think it might actually have something on uh instagram as well. But, um, you know, he’s like all ghosts are demons and okay. Um, and there’s theories for that. And that’s part of it is because like demons are all around and they hear you talk and
things like that. And they could whisper things into your ears and the hence psychics and mediums. So, and so like, you know, whisper stuff into their ears so they can tell you. I want, I got to stop you. So you think Jesus, you said Jesus doesn’t believe in ghosts, but you’re saying that, that so demons is a whole different classification. So a demon is not necessarily a ghost. Cause I’m assuming Jesus believes in demons. Absolutely. Jesus believes in demons. Jesus actually did a favor for a demon once. Um, which is kind of a, that wasn’t, uh, Charlie Daniels, was it no no no um well the story goes basically is that, that’s uh, Jesus came on the shore and this, this, uh, man who was extremely, extremely possessed comes out of the cemetery and he’s like naked. He’s like wrapped in chains and stuff like, you know, whatever. And, uh, he walked. Yeah.
Usually when you lose your clothes, first thing you pick up is some chains. Chains, yeah. No, he was breaking chains. He was howling at the moon. Most definitely possessed. And so he recognized, well, he and the Legion demons recognized Jesus and they walked up to him. Or, you know, he walked up, whatever. You know how it goes. And so the demons are like, we don’t want to go to hell. cast us into those pigs. Like anybody who knows anything knows that. Oh, I’ve heard of this. Yeah. And he’s like, okay. So he did, he cast them into the pigs. So like, you know, Christ did a demon a favor, I guess. So that’s kind of a weird thing to do. Like when you say love your brother and everything else, apparently, I mean, that is straight up his enemy. And he’s like, okay, well maybe. Yeah. Don’t throw you into a pig. What the hell? Yeah. Yeah.
Well, Jesus was Jewish, so… And there you go. He wasn’t going to come in contact with that pig again. He was not going to eat it. Nope. And nobody else was either. So that’s kind of where it was there. And then so you kind of… So yes, demons are real. So therefore, in that case, then yes, if you’re going to say all ghosts are demons, then Jesus believed in ghosts. But my theory in this is, you know, like when the great war in heaven happened and Lucifer was cast out of heaven. He wasn’t cast to hell. He was cast to earth. So, and there’s also a thing like, is heaven a, I’m sorry, is hell a place or a state of mind? And a lot of people say yes. So therefore it’s both right. It could be both. So the theory that I guess I have, and that’s what it is, is a theory.
Is all demons, are all ghosts demons? No, I don’t think so. But I think the ghosts that come in contact with people here on Earth are just separated from God. So like if you even look into the Catholic religion, they believe it. They believe. that you go into purgatory, which is in between heaven and hell, and you stay in purgatory until your sin is washed away. And then you can enter into heaven. And while you’re there, people can pray for you and things like that. And sometimes, like I said, in the Catholic religion, they believe that sometimes God will allow a spirit to come to you from purgatory to ask for prayers and so on and so forth. So just kind of, I’m, I’m kind of in between there where i’m like, well, I don’t think all ghosts are demons, but then again, I don’t, I’m not 100 sure on what purgatory is or if it is a thing, or if you are separated from God, which means like, I mean, if you know, there’s a god and you are separated from them, then that is your hell. I mean, bottom line. So,
because no human being, whether they believe in God or not, no human being knows what it’s like to be on earth without God. So when you die and you are not allowed into heaven, so therefore you know what it’s like to be without God. So therefore you are technically in hell and whether or not, um, and right now hell is most likely on the earth because, um, The rapture and the tribulation. Everything hasn’t happened. And the great abyss hasn’t opened. So. Are all ghosts demons? No. But are ghosts spirits that are not. With God? Yeah probably. And it doesn’t mean they’re great. It doesn’t mean they’re horrible people. Or anything like that. Because bottom line is. I mean I deserve hell. I’m a sinner as well. So you got to look at it like that. Like.
Not all horrible, nasty human beings are around. That’s interesting. But there’s a little bit of incongruence there with your belief in religion and then now believing that there are ghosts. Like I said, if I put it there, And I’m like, Hey, you know, there’s a possibility that these things are just absent from God. Then I can go about and do my thing. Still talk about the truth as I know it, you know, and still continue on with scolarius and have a good time. I mean, that’s, that’s kind of where, where I’m at with that. Gotcha. Oh, Diet Coke. I was like, what do you got there? I hear you popping. No, it’s Diet Coke. Sorry. If you’re going to pull the, um, Perfectly fine. Michael Landsberg thing, like it’s not polite to drink when you’re on an interview. No, I don’t care. All right, cool. This ain’t Canadian, so we’re good. No, that’s all good. So then you think, well, then the funny thing is, I guess DW being the skeptic, does he not believe in ghosts at all? I don’t remember from our, he seemed to be in the camp of ghosts, but when I was on the show, but I can’t remember now.
He’s just kind of… Whatever the wind blows. He’s never really had a real experience with anything. If you don’t really have a real experience with it, how can you say it exists or doesn’t? It’s no different than seeing… I’ve seen pictures of duck-billed platypus, but I’ve never seen one in whatever. Am I 100% sure that they exist? I mean… Sure. I guess. I don’t know. I haven’t seen one but yeah but I mean, you’re not the expert on platypuses. I mean, so, and he’s not an expert on, on the paranormal and I’ve never claimed to be an expert on it either. I just, I have a lot of experience with it both on, um, on a personal level. And I was a ghost hunter too, for, for a while. And this is prior there’s another life, another wife.
That’s how I use it. Wow. That’s very complicated now. You got all these layers here. So let’s stick with the platypus for a second. And so obviously, you know, there’s platypuses in the world. And the reason we know that, I’ve never seen a platypus. Wait a minute. Maybe I have at the zoo. I’m trying to remember now. Maybe I have seen a platypus. But anyway, most people have never seen a platypus. But you know that they’re real because of basically a lot of other people have seen the platypus. And it’s been studied scientifically. And there’s been things published about it. Now, the funny thing is, all those things are true about ghosts. Every one of the things I just mentioned. A lot of other people see them. They’ve been studied a bit. And
you know, things have been written about them. All that’s true about ghosts, but there’s this divide where people are like, well, you know, the ghost thing is not, you know, legit because, and then that, well, you know, obviously we have platypus, somebody’s got dead platypus bodies somewhere in a museum or something. And we don’t have the ghost. Do you think that is the divider or what do you, why do you think there’s this big divide between these two worlds where You know, at one point in time, and it’s not been that long ago, I mean, you know, we’re talking probably within the last 150 years, somebody had seen a platypus and goes, you won’t believe what I saw. I saw this thing, it has a duck bill, it has little, you know, claws and it lays eggs and they’re like, you’re full of crap. You don’t even, you’re crazy. And, you know, it was a cryptid at that point, right? So what needs to happen to push ghosts
into the realm of platypuses at this stage, do you think? Catch one in a jar? Maybe. I don’t know. Catch it in a trap and stick it in a firehouse in New York. I don’t know. Yeah. Ghostbusters reference. Ghostbusters, yeah. Okay, so I think there’s a stigma with it. I mean, obviously, I really… I’m sure that guy who saw the platypus was like, got stigmatized pretty harshly. Not to mention, chances are, he was a criminal in Australia when all that happened. Most likely. On the run. You wouldn’t believe what I just saw. I saw it’s like a duck, but it’s like an otter. I guess ducks have flippers. Whatever. I don’t know what I’m talking about. You look back Okay, so Harry Houdini believed in ghosts, right? So Harry Houdini was really big into spiritualism, and he was real in tune, I guess, with the other side. So if you look at Harry Houdini, the world’s greatest magician, okay, so magic is kind of hooey, right? It’s fake, right? Yeah, that’s the point of it. It tricks people. Right? It tricks people.
You have the world’s greatest magician talking about how he believes in the spiritual world and ghosts and this and the other thing. I guess I’m not going to say the stigma started there, but I bet there’s a lot of people who are like, that’s crap. It went from there. He was good. Don’t get me wrong, but I don’t want to rain on your parade a little bit here. I guess I will rain on your parade. I don’t want to. I think Houdini wanted to believe in ghosts, but he never got proof. Therefore, he was always on the fence. He’s more like a DW. The story that I know, I’ll put it that way, not that I know more than you, but the story that I’ve heard is that
he did have a secret phrase or word that he gave to his wife and said, after I die, if you hear this in one of these seances or whatever, then it’s really me. Otherwise, they’re faking it. And she never heard it. And he debunked a bunch of those people who were taking people’s money for seances and stuff like that. That was one of his hobbies was to go in and debunk all these people. And this guy named James Randi, who’s a magician, who kind of carried on Until his death, the same thing. He had a million dollars. If you could prove any of this, he’d give you a million dollars. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I heard about that. Yeah. And so, but yeah, so I think Houdini wanted to believe, but he wanted proof. He was interested enough, but he wanted more proof. And during his lifetime and so far with James Randi just died. I don’t not that long ago within five years, I think.
we still haven’t gotten anything that would be considered definitive proof that this happened. But you and I have both had experiences that have happened and we can’t explain them. And so that sits with people, right? Because there’s a lot of people who have that. So I’m raining on one half and then I’m not raining on the other half. I’m sunshining here. But the… So that’s the hard part to get across is the fact that you have so many people who have had, and I’m not talking just noises, I’m talking seen things and felt things, seen things, experienced things that are not just knocks and taps and things that could easily be explained away in some way, shape or form. because they’re not very clear, right? They’re very vague. And so, yeah, that’s the hard part. So I guess I’ll bring it around here then. So tell us one of your more vivid and concrete experiences that you’ve had. Ooh, concrete. Okay, so the only one I can have that’s like,
I guess, cooperated with video, I guess, would be Adora the Explorer doll. And it was just funny because I hate dolls. Anyway, I just don’t like them. Kind of thing against dolls. So we were at… I was in this investigation of this house where there was… some activity happening and it was kind of messed up, you know, it was, it was kind of a messed up situation. Um, the kids were really, really scared and parents would lock them in the room. Like, Oh, that’s great. That’s not, you know, that’s good parenting all the way around. Cause it, yeah. Cause they didn’t want to hear the screaming and stuff and waking them up and be like, okay. You know, like whatever. So, Oh my God. I know. Yeah. It was, I think there was, that was, uh, yeah. Woo. There may be more to that. Yeah. More to that story in the background. There was more, but this is the paranormal part of it. So I, you know, I was, I was sitting on this bed and there was like a door of the Explorer stuffed like doll, you know, whatever. And it was sitting up on the edge of like,
against the wall. And we’re talking, it was probably, uh, I don’t know. I mean, it was a full size bed and I was kind of sitting down towards the foot and this doll was up at the head against the wall. So you’re talking whatever it is that, I don’t know what, what’s the size of a full size bed, three feet, four feet across. Yeah. Something like that. Like three by six or something. Yeah. Okay. by about six foot. So by diagonal wise, it was probably, I don’t know, five feet from me. Right. And so over the course and it, I was in the room and there was no air conditioning. I was sweating, like sweating balls. Essentially it was bad. And, um, well, two things actually happened at that point, but one of the, okay. So, um,
Um, I had my radio kind of on my knee or whatever, and there’s chatter and stuff like that. And all of a sudden you saw like, and I felt it, I felt like my radio gets smacked, like, like hurt it and radio flew. And I was like, what in the world? Like my reaction was like, what, you know, like arms up. and okay. So that happened. And then we just kind of like looked around whatever and tried to figure out what was going on there. And in the meantime, if throughout everything that was happening, every moment that i was there, this doll in that corner was moving closer to me and we, we had it on video. It was moving closer to me. Like skating or is it just yeah like scooting scooting
like a little kid would kind of like sneak up on you. Kind of. Yeah. But it’s a stupid freaking doll and she’s exploring and all of a sudden it tips over to the like tips over like front wise and, and runs like hits me. And I was like oh look it went from five feet away. Yeah. and I was like, like how over, like how much time would you say that it moved from five feet away to touching you? Like two minutes or five minutes ten minutes 45 oh my gosh 45 minutes yeah somewhere around there. Maybe these people didn’t live by the train tracks or anything nope there was nothing everywhere for anything. We tried to make that doll move. So many times, like bouncing on the bed. 45 minutes. Wow. Just kind of moved, kept moving. Maybe it was less than that. I don’t know. Like, but I was in there. It seemed like I was in there for a while. Cause I was sweating. Like I said, I was dying in that room. And, um, yeah. Yeah. No one, the parents locked you in. What are you going to do? No, it was hanging out. So I got, I got smacked in the hand. Mm-hmm.
And the radio went flying and the doll, the doll touched me. Stupid doll. Yeah. But anyway, yeah. Like I said, I’m not a fan of them anyway. Swiper knows swiping. That’s what it said. Yeah. Well, that’s weird. That is weird. Especially because of the distance. I was, you know, thinking, well, you know, you, you move around on the bed and then it just kind of falls toward you, baby. The, The bed’s not level or the floor is not level. But even if it wasn’t 45, even if it was 20 minutes, as long as it wasn’t like within a minute or two, then you’re talking about something that doesn’t make any sense. Unless the whole house is vibrating constantly and they’re like these little electronic football people and they just move around the bed whenever because they just do that. No, we tried. We tried debunking it.
We just couldn’t. Somebody was there with you. It was recorded as well. There was the whole team. Everybody was in there. That’s the thing. When I said, that doll touched me. I remember the team lead was like, that doll was against the wall. I was like, I know, right? You shouldn’t have been there. We went from focusing on, we got the part where the Radial smacked out of my hand. But then we started focusing on that doll and then we watched it over time. And it just like, there was just creeping down, creeping, creeping, creeping, and then tipped over. I was trying to steal your wallet somewhere around there. Yeah. It was swiper. He’s not paying attention. I’m going to go up there. I learned a thing or two from swiper and I’m going to get that guy’s wallet, but he’s got cash galore in there.
This guy looks like he eats, so he carries cash. Yeah. I was bigger then, too. About 100 pounds bigger than what I am now. So I weigh 218 now. So I was pretty close to about 305 or whatever. I was just a bad joke. I’m sorry, John. No, you’re good. Well, that’s wild. I mean, that’s one of those things that kind of makes you sit up and go, You know, how does this happen? And so DW, he’s like, yeah, you just, you’re just a wiggle, wiggly guy. And he wiggled and the bed moved and it came down and got you. Yeah. None of that’s like, I mean, he, he listens to it and then he’s like, okay. And you can just tell he’s like the, the wheels turn and trying to figure out like what, what could have done it? You know, like, man, like we went through everything. There was no trains. There was like, unless of course, like you said,
the house is just vibrating consistently. Yeah. And it was a vibration so low that no human could figure out. Right. Low and slow. Yeah. So, I mean, I don’t know, but yeah, no, that’s interesting. So did, um, I mean, did you get like, we talked earlier, but, uh, Lorraine, Ed and Lorraine Warren. And so they were kind of, uh, behind the whole idea that objects are haunted. So you guys didn’t sequester Dora at that point because she moved and might be haunted. No, because you have to have an energy behind it. Yeah. I mean, they have this idea that objects are haunted in this. I mean, I don’t know. It’s just an energy behind it. Like I, I’m not going to sit there and say that people or things don’t leave an imprint on
because we are energy like it is legit. Like the, I mean, it’s, it’s known our brain is straight electricity. Our heart obviously runs and doesn’t run based on electricity. Like we are energy. So I’m not going to sit there and say that there’s not an imprint of something now i’m going to I’m going to disagree with you a little bit on this one. Yes, your brain and your whole body has an electrical system that runs it, right? And that’s why whenever people get tased, that’s why they seize up because you’re throwing everything out of balance, right? Yep. And then you can’t function. But you talk about leaving electricity. These things aren’t capacitors. They can’t store the energy. Right. if you have energy that you’re releasing, then it has to get stored in some way, shape or form and cloth and, and stuffing and, and things like this and wood and they don’t hold electricity. It has to be of some material that can hold electricity. Like if you’ve got, um, um, so Chris, like crystals, crystals can hold electricity, right? Minerals, types of minerals, certain types of rock can hold electricity, right?
But everyday objects, I find it hard to fathom that they could actually physically contain energy for, I mean, you can get shocked because you’re rubbing your feet on the floor, but you’re releasing that energy. It’s not holding that energy. It’s basically just going to ground and it goes away and it’s gone. So how do you explain these things holding energy then I don’t, I mean, I can’t, to be perfectly honest, I can’t, the only thing I can think of is like, maybe, I don’t know if your house is built on a weird soil that has like all like weird clay or what is that? Like granite or something in there that’s able to hold quartz that’s able to hold it. and be able to release it at points. I don’t know. Like, I mean, also when you release, it has to release it. Typically those things, just like a capacitor would release all at once. It wouldn’t release slowly. And so it’s more like a jolt when it releases rather than, you know, batteries are made up of, we’re also chemicals, right? So batteries are made up of chemicals along with an anode and they have some type of metal that can transfer electricity and the chemicals can store electrons and
And so, you know, we have this chemistry and this and everything. And so that’s where I always fall off on the ghost things when people talk about energy is because we know how it works. We know how it flows. And so at some point, unless this is a type of energy that we don’t know about at all. Right. We don’t have any knowledge of it and how it works. Then I think the word energy is a bad word to use because. We know how electricity works. We know how radio waves work. We know how gamma rays work. We know how radiation works. So I think, you know, pulling the name, using the word energy in the sense is giving a false interpretation of something. And we talked on your show, and I told you, I said, I think, you know, there are obviously things in this world we don’t understand, a lot of them.
and still don’t, even though everybody likes to think, back in the Middle Ages, in the medieval times, they’re all like, we know everything, you know, and now all this stuff has happened, right? We always, as a species, assume we know it all, and then, you know, things change, but I think energy is one of those things where it’s like, we need to come up with something that’s a little more specific because every area has jargon and they have their own jargon. And so I think that the ghost world needs to come up with a better jargon that’s more specific and more applicable and that also is more repeatable. Because you’re like, well, there’s energy at this house, but at this other house, similar things happen. I don’t think there’s energy there. And so it gets to be more and more and more confusing because they don’t line up in an order that is repeatable and makes sense. Not to say that stuff’s not happening, but to say what is happening is not explainable by the language that’s being used currently.
And I can blow everybody’s mind and completely and utterly like wipe out every amount of belief from my system and everybody else’s by saying this, like, I mean, straight up, it could all be high EMF and we’re all just nuts because of it. You know what I mean? So you’re saying if we wore tinfoil hats, we’d all be better off and wouldn’t experience these things. I’m just saying that could be it too. Like, but I mean, the same as like, I don’t want to like, I don’t want to go into religion too much. Like, cause I, I know, like I don’t mind, I’ll talk about it all day, but you know, people in the paranormal, I feel sometimes they, they get like, Oh God, that’s, that’s not a thing or whatever, but you have to have some sort of faith when it comes to ghosts in the paranormal, the same as you do when it comes to religion and things like that, because like you’re talking about something that yes, do things happen?
and I’m not going to say miracles and things, but do things happen that are unexplained in the paranormal? Absolutely. Right. But there is no concrete evidence with your eyes for the most part that sits there and tells you 100% that it’s legit. Right. You have to go by what people have seen, what people down, what people have video, you know, things like that. Okay. And the same thing kind of goes for my faith. Now, you know, 500 and some people seen Jesus walk after he was crucified. So, therefore, like, there’s a lot of eyewitnesses that said that. So, I mean, and that’s documented. If there is one thing that can be 100% to a T is that there was a Jesus of Nazareth. He was crucified. He did die, and he was resurrected. That is bottom line. But…
everything else people are going to doubt and and that’s and that’s okay that’s where the faith comes in and the same thing goes like, yeah, I guess you can draw that parallel to the paranormal, right? Like there are things that have happened. People have seen them, everything else. You just gotta have faith that it’s there now the the interesting thing as we are moving forward in time is. with the advent of, well, I’ll put it this way. So artificial intelligence and where you and I, as the public can access has gotten powerful enough to make images and video and documentation good enough to where you don’t know if it was really, if it really happened or not, you’re totally reliant on somebody’s, that it is, right? Now, that being said, AI has to go through, you know, a research or, you know, a birthing stage, shall we say. And, you know, with everything else that’s high tech and, you know, potentially dangerous, a lot of times that starts in secret. And it has started, you know, decades ago.
And so what we get at the public probably isn’t the level that it actually can attain in the kind of private hands that it started in, right? Oh, it’s scary, right? Yeah, and so we don’t even know that they could, you talk about EMF and so forth, they could use some artificial intelligence to manipulate an environment, right? and make you experience things and make things feel like you get knocked out of your hands or move a doll without a wire because it’s being propelled by the charged particles, right? Like static electricity. And so all that all of a sudden now becomes possible. And so then where are we at? I mean, the hard part now is that with everything becomes possible, then is everything, just because it’s possible to do these things falsely, does it make everything real or does it make everything not real? So I’m going to take, this is kind of crazy. Joe Rogan on his podcast, I don’t know if anybody’s heard it. I don’t know. Who knows? Who knows who they got?
He had a guy named Wesley Huff on there. Wesley Huff, he’s a comedian. No, he’s not a comedian. He’s a Canadian. They’re all comedians. I don’t know if you ever heard of him or whatever, but he’s really smart. He was on there and they were talking about everything. They basically said, Rogan actually brought this up. He said, if there’s things that we know, we know that Jesus died. He was in the tomb. He came out He walked around for 40 days, taught people things, and then he’s like, see ya, and I’ll come back at some point, right? And he’s like, now? Look at it now. If he came back now, nobody would believe it. Like, that is a real test of faith. Like, if he came back now, nobody would believe it. The funny thing is, I think he’s come back several times, and people at least say they’re Jesus, and so…
I mean, you know, and try to be a Christ-like. So, you know, I’d hate to be, I mean, it happened. It happened. I mean, you read stories, just look, you know, just say last time somebody said they were Jesus is probably like two days ago. It’s, it’s probably true. There’s a guy who, uh, I live in the Minneapolis suburbs here. So, and, uh, there’s a gentleman who, I mean, jeez i think i’ve seen him over in Blaine, which is a ways away like he he wears a robe and sandals and he walks and like he he he is a vagrant, right? So, and i’m like where is he ah well i mean you know i i hate to be that guy. In all appearances, he seems to be a vagrant if i don’t i don’t want to be that guy and i don’t want to be too
judgmental because it’s against what I feel, but if Jesus is coming back, I don’t think it’s Minnesota he’s going to come to. I’m just throwing it out there. Really? You don’t think so? I’ve been. It’s pretty. Maybe not in the suburbs over in St. Paul, Minneapolis suburbs, but in other parts of Minneapolis, it’s nice. Yeah. Maybe out in the trees and whatnot. Yeah, yeah. But I mean, that is one of the big questions nowadays is what, you know, we had this whole standard, you know, let’s say 15, 20 years ago that everybody could agree to. You get a picture, get some video, get, you know, have, you know, these things happen. And that’s all out the window. I mean, right now there’s, you know, you and I in probably 30 minutes come up with a very fairly convincing haunted photo of some sort. And if we corroborated it and we said, you know, we don’t really, you know, it’s just like magic, right? So you’re, I’m the magician and you’re out in the audience. And even though people don’t know that we know each other, I say, well, how about you? You come up by her and then, and then you, you know, you say whatever,
I did was magic and that everybody believes it. I mean, that’s where we’re at in this day and age is, is you can, you can do all kinds of stuff to fool people. The, the hard part is a lot of people don’t try hard enough. And so it looks bad, but, but it’s easy now. I mean, I can’t count how many things as I, you know, reading, Oh, here’s, here’s pictures of Bigfoot and they’re all, they’re all fake, even though people believe in Bigfoot. Yeah. So I could go on my phone right now and go to chat GTP or whatever the crap it’s called. GPT. And I can type in there, like create video of a ghost walking through my living room. Right. Yeah, exactly. And it’s going to do it. And it’s not going to be like, Oh, it’s going to be convincing looking.
And it will happen. And it’s, it’s, it’s crazy. I don’t. So where does that take us though? Does that take us down the path of believing nothing, whether it’s true or not? Are we just going to be like, yeah, not that. I, you know, honestly, I don’t know because like you, I mean, you can’t, you know, back in the day, Okay, so I’m going to go back. Ghost hunters, you know, TAPS. The group that I was in was part of the TAPS family in Iowa. Kind of a cool thing, you know. It’s kind of cool, you know, because we got a lot of attention, so to speak, because of it. Because, you know, they were big at the time. Right. So we got a lot of investigations. And, you know, people go, it’s Grant and Jason. No, they’re not.
You get me. You don’t get Drain or Jason. You got the Minneapolis team. So, yeah. So, you know, we would have evidence of things like voices, obviously, EVPs, and we’d get some photo stuff and everything everything that we got for photo, we just kind of dismissed as dust, you know, dust or bugs didn’t really go too far into that, you know, but there was a couple of videos, obviously, you know, the door, the Explorer doll, we did catch a full body apparition one time in a old abandoned hospital, which was kind of cool. Um, or at least what I assumed was a full body apparition, uh, you know, because, you know, whatever I, I, we collected evidence, uh, And based on that evidence, we would tell these people like, yes or no, that your house was haunted or, you know, you had some activity there. Would we say the word haunted? No, not, not so much because like activity could be anything. Like I said, EMF, um, any, any type of, but there was things that happened. Right. Right. Now, you know, and, you know, people always blamed.
ghost hunters for faking their stuff. You know, like, oh, it’s fake. It’s faked. It’s faked. Now I can say with 100 certainty, what we did, what we showed was not, um, it wasn’t changed in any way. It was our interpretation of what it was. Now we say that it was 100 a ghost. No, but it was an anomaly that wasn’t there at the time. So therefore, okay, whatever. And that’s how we expressed it. That’s how we, we gave it to people. But then at the same time on their show, I’m going to call them out specifically. And I’ll even say the same for ghost adventures a little bit later. They would say, yes, your place is haunted. Well, that’s big. They got to do, they got to put on a show. So yeah, they don’t say it’s haunted. Then people are like, Oh,
Why did I give you access for a week? Why am I staying in a hotel while you stay at my house? I don’t know. You can’t be 100% sure. You just really can’t. Until you can catalog it, until you can literally say this is a platypus or this is a rabbit and then You know, we have subspecies. So this is a jackrabbit. This is, you know, this kind of rabbit. Until you can do that with ghosts and these anomalies, you’re never going, it’s not going to be there. I mean, that’s what we need in the field is for somebody to literally pin it all down and have it be repeatable. And then that way you can say, oh, this is that. Until that, I mean, we have loose ones, right? So we have loose ones. This is what they call it. This is a… Oh, shoot. I’m blanking on my terms now. But they’ll say this is a haunting that’s residual. That’s it. Residual haunting. So they’re starting to get into these things because it’s always a lady in white and she’s always at the top of the stairs. It doesn’t happen every night, but when it happens, that’s what happens.
or they always seem to walk the same path and I’ve seen them walk the same path. And so it’s starting to go in those directions where you, you kind of have things that point to, you know, specifications that point to categories, you know, cause that’s what, as you know, as humans, we categorize everything just like you, you know, no matter what it is, we all have this weird compulsion to categorize anything that we have in front of us. Right. Um, and, And unfortunately, that’s what we have to have in this field in order to push it forward is have something that’s repeatable. And it always happens the same no matter where it’s at. And then you stick a label to it, and then that way it’s categorized. And then everybody starts taking notice to those things. I think that’s why cryptids are so popular is because people have created categories for them.
And I saw it, and it was big and hairy, so it’s a Sasquatch. You know what I mean? And that’s why people are a little more, I think, in tune with some of these things rather than not because they can literally – it’s like birdwatching. You can take out a book, and you can look at it and say, yeah, we had a blue warbler. You know? You’re a blue warbler. I don’t know. You’re a blue warbler. That’s right. I got to go. Okay, so I’m just going to throw this out there. I don’t know if this is something we’re supposed to do on this show or not, but I just find it fun. Oh, we do what we want. Okay, that’s cool. So I don’t know. You have a fan or something. This Millie Webs. I don’t know. Do you know who this is? No, I don’t know who it is. Okay, well, anyway. I’m assuming it’s her, and I apologize if it’s not. So, I mean, I don’t want to misgender anybody. So the comments are poop, poop, poop, poop.
Who? So there’s one. Yeah. Are you really blue? Yeah. Are you really a cat? Yeah. So you’re a little, you’re, you’re things there. Are you, are you really, you’re not really blue. Are you Bob? Depends on the day. Okay. Fair enough. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I’m down, you know, I get it. A little blue. I understand. Sometimes my humor is in the blue section of humor where I say things that are really ornery and, You know, nasty. It can’t be any worse than George Carlin or Richard Pryor. Bob Saget, for Christ’s sake. That guy was filthy. Yeah, he was… Yeah, but no, I’m not really blue. But in color, no, skin tone, no, I’m not blue. So, I don’t know if you want to… I don’t know if you want to do this or not, but I’ve been in the…
in the mood to tell street jokes lately. Do you want to hear some street jokes? Yeah, let’s, let’s, yeah, let’s hear some street. I like street tacos where sometimes they’re really good. Sometimes I don’t have any tacos right now, but I do have, I have street jokes, so I’ll throw those at you. Um, yeah, one of my, one of my favorite ones, uh, my, my lovely queen consort, which is my fiance, but she hates that term. So she doesn’t want to, Oh, she doesn’t like to be called fiance. So, um, Really? She likes queen consort over fiance? Well, I don’t know. Why don’t you just call her your concubine? What is more… I don’t know about that one. I don’t know what’s more pretentious, fiance or queen consort, but either way. I’m the one that made it up. Okay, so prior she was my betrothed, right? But then when I actually made it official, I put the ring on it, so therefore she became the queen consort. You can just call her your ringer.
That, that too. But anyway, so she buys this one. So, I mean, I don’t know. So I, this is, and I’ll tell you why. So guy, guy walks up to the counter and he says, ah, give me a Polish sausage. The guy behind the counter goes, what are you, you’re Polish? He goes, you know what? This is messed up. That’s really messed up. If I walked in here and I ordered a Belgian waffle, you’re going to automatically assume I’m from, I’m from Belgium. If I walked in here and I ordered a bratwurst, you can just assume that I’m from Germany? You know what? If I came in here and ordered a slice of pizza, you just assume that I’m from Italy? Or even then, a baguette from stinking French? What is the thing? He goes, well, sir, this is a hardware store.
Ha ha ha! She’s pulling, by the way. That one, she doesn’t like that one. I don’t know. I like that joke. Do they have sausage at the hardware store? See? There we go. Not so sure. The other one is there’s two old men. They’re sitting in a park. One old man says to the other old man, I’m getting old. He goes, you’re not that old. He goes, yes, I am. I am very old. Guess how old I am. And he’s like, I don’t know. And he goes, guess, guess. And he goes, all right, if I’m going to guess how old you are, you got to take off your pants. He goes, take off my pants. I’m in a park. There’s kids here. If you want me to guess how old you are, you got to take off your pants. He’s like, geez, fine. And he takes off his pants. He goes, all right, now take off your underwear. What? I’m in a park. We’re in a park. There’s kids here. I’m not taking off my underwear. And he’s like, dog, you got to take off your underwear. If you want me to guess how old you are. And he’s like, ah, geez,
Fine. So he takes off his underwear. And the guy goes, all right, now you got to take your thumb and stick it right up your butt. He’s like, what? No, I’m not taking my, I’m not sticking my thumb anywhere. And most, I’m standing here pantsless. I’m in a park. There’s kids. Everybody goes, if you want me to guess how old you are, you’re going to have to stick your thumb up your butt. He’s like, geez, fine. So he goes, fine. You happy? He goes, you’re 95. And he goes, what? How did you know that? And he goes, you told me yesterday. My poor guy is sitting on his own thumb. Anyway, so those are just some silly, stupid, I don’t know, street jokes. I like to say, I don’t know. They’re fun. They’re fun. But yeah. Well…
we’ve we’ve hit our time here. We went the whole hour. Oh, well. And I ended it with those and you ended it with an old 95 year old in a park naked from the waist down the stomach his butt pretty much it works so again tell people uh you have a show. It’s called scolarius which i think is a fantastic name, by the way i’m I’m jealous that you thought of this name and I did not think of a name like Scolarius. Well, I’m going to give full credit to my queen consort because she’s the one that. Oh, really? She thought of it? Yeah, she did. Yeah. Because I was sitting there thinking of a name and she was like, why not? And you’re like, let’s call it thumb up the butt. No, come on, John. She’s like, why not Scolarius? Scary and hilarious. I was like, yeah, that’s actually pretty funny. It works.
So they can catch it at scolariaspod.buzzsprout.com or at scolarius on some of the socials if you’re out there thinking about that. And also, look up Supernatural Sleuth, your buddy there. Good guy. He’s got going on, right? Yeah, he’s a very good guy. Check him out. You’ll like it. I don’t know. I’m giving him more views. I can’t, like… I’m asking, you know… We’re sitting there talking about Scalarius or whatever else. Like I said, it was kind of funny. I created a video today or yesterday or whatever to explain that we’re not having an episode. It usually comes out on Wednesdays. And it’s been two weeks since we had one or whatever. And I was like, I know both of you listeners are going to be very upset that I don’t have… Mom, Dad, we’re not going to have another episode. But yeah, so I don’t know. Oh my gosh, Johnny, what’s going on?
First of all, my mom, she’s like, what’s a podcast? She’s like, I’m at the hardware store and I’m asking for polished sausage. Oh, yeah. She’s not quite there. John, what am I doing? I was at the park playing chess with a nice old guy. Next thing I know, Well, you’re going to come back around. I know you’re going to pull it out and pull it off and make it happen. You’ll have a new episode soon. I promise. It’ll probably be next week. There you go. Probably next week. That’s a good name for a show, too. That one is. What’s your show name? Probably next week. I will say this. I’ll leave this. If you want to leave it with this. It’s cool, too. I said I have some things to get off my chest when we get back on Scolarius, and I promise I will get all this stuff off my chest, so it is probably something that people would want to listen to, I would guess. Oh, wow. A bombshell coming on Scolarius, I guess. I don’t know. Back 15 years ago, the CM Punk
hype bomb or whatever that’d probably be more like but i don’t know it was i thought it just just things the mildly entertaining reveal on it’s hilarious maybe there you go mildly entertaining it’s probably how it’s gonna be well thanks john and tell dw we missed him tonight and uh well you know oh you didn’t miss him okay that’s a bit harsh. I guess i can tell him partially what’s gonna happen on that show i i always i missed a little fella. I do. But, uh, everybody go listen to scolarius when you get a chance. The old show. It’s not the last week they didn’t have one. But, uh, and, uh, we’ll catch y’all next time. John, hold on for a second i’m gonna hit a button and i’ll talk to you on the other side here. All right. Later.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Oh, man. you and me and me and you and me and them and me and him and them Hey, everybody. Hey, everyone. This is miles title on static Radio. You need to do a really good job of not actually getting any tune whatsoever when you did that. It’s like, you can’t, It’s a true story if you have any idea who Jackie Gleason was. He did. He actually was a best-selling recording artist and knew nothing of music. Yeah, so what? Like the Honeymooners theme song, he made up. He goes like this. Then they made it better, obviously. Okay. All your trivia needs right here. And if you need more worthless trivia, welcome to Static Radio. You want to know about people who’ve long been since dead. Listen to Static. Oh, God, no. Not again. Not again. I couldn’t help it. Oh, my God. I mean, I just envision that you
hear that constantly throughout your day. Miles, where are you, Miles? We need you to come here and fix the toilet. Right? And then what happens in your head another glorious day be miles title. If you’re listening now, just turn it off and go to something better. Don’t, yeah. You can listen to that thing i was telling you about where the seance people The ladies got naked in that. I’m not going to listen to your weirdo fantasies. The spirit back in the spirit, spiritualist days where they, uh, you know, yeah okay yeah the spirits made me do it. Yeah, that’s what you would say off the air. Bob had some fantasy about spiritualism. And all kinds of crazy stuff. I don’t, that sounds weird yeah sounds like what happens is Miles sees all that, but he doesn’t get to participate. Oh, God. Okay, that’s three times. Okay.
That’s enough. I’m done. I’m done. Are you done? Come on. It’s three times now. Please just stop. Now I’ll just do it myself. Okay. I can live with that. Oh, you can live with that. Okay. Yeah. So yeah. No, I mean, this all weird stuff you hear on the internet. Come on. Got to give it up. Meanwhile, love that weird stuff on the internet. hey, have you guys heard any weird stuff on the internet? You know, if they made one of those K-Tel records of, you know, just the weird stuff you hear on the internet, that would be a good commercial. Hey, Kate was back. Internet hits only from Kate’s hell. Five minute fart. I thought that was static radio. Oh, there we go. Yeah. I wonder if you get, I wonder if people do that. Do you remember whenever, I remember when I was young, you may not remember this because you don’t ever remember anything. Um,
they used to at the grocery store, they would sell old radio, uh, on CDs. You remember this or cassettes? It’d be like, uh, yeah, I used to have Molly and you know, all these things I used to, I don’t want to brag, but, uh, I think my mom bought this for me. How to be a comedian by Henny Youngman. Really? Yeah. I had that by Henny Youngman. Seriously. Yeah. My mom, I think, bought this for me, how to be a comedian. She was a nice mom, wasn’t she? She was. No, she still is. She’s nice. How did it help you in your journey here? He said something like it’s okay to steal other people’s material and stuff if you don’t really have material. It’s always going to suck when you hit a young one. That’s the one…
That was the one nugget I took out of that. Like, okay, it’s okay to steal. The only thing I took out of the Henny Youngman playbook. Yeah. If Milton Berle said it, it could be yours. Yeah. Yeah, that’s great. Yeah, no, we had a couple of those. Yeah, I know what you’re talking about, Mr. Elitist. Nowadays, I wonder if it would go over if you just rip things from the internet, make a DVD compilation, and sell it at the checkout. You know, I don’t think that would play very well. You don’t think so? No. All these failed videos, just put them onto a DVD and sell it for five bucks at the grocery store. I don’t think so. Groans and boners. I bought that and I didn’t know what it was. I thought that was something else. I swear to God. I thought it was more of a groaner than a boner. I swear. I thought it said girls and boners. Oh, yeah. By the way, didn’t you have some DVDs that were kind of like that?
No. Like something gone wild? I might actually have those VHS tapes somewhere. Oh, they’re VHS. They weren’t DVDs. Okay. That’s how old I am. Yeah, those are VHS. Yeah, those are VHS Girls Gone Wild tapes. Yeah, so what? Yeah, so what? I was young. When you were young and your heart was open wide. There wasn’t an internet around for me. I had to get the girls gone wild video tapes. Pretty much. Pretty much. Yeah. They serve their purpose. They serve their purpose. I’ll be honest with you. They still do. I can’t watch those a long time. Oh, really? About what? Five minutes. Yeah. No, I don’t know if I have those anymore. Oh yeah. Yeah. I’m sure you do. Because they were blue. You, my friend, when you and I were going to college, you were literally a museum curator of your own shit. I have Asperger’s, you jerk. You would have all your albums lined up. You’d have all these little trinkets and tchotchkes. Everything was in perfect order and you know
You were like, don’t touch that. Oh, I’m like, don’t touch that. Okay, you are the king of, oh, don’t touch that. Believe me. Well, it’s true, but at least I’m not. If I went to your house right now and started just, you know, giving your blessing, everything in your house, you would have a complete shit fit. You’d be like, don’t. Miles, don’t touch our silverware, please. Don’t. Just hook them to your forearms with rubber bands. Don’t use your fingers. Yeah. Um, that is true, but you had like everything totally curated and like, in like, you had like lists on like legal pads of everything you owned. And it was like, I was always impressed that you, you know, knowing you and seeing this, it was, it was like incongruous. I was autistic before it was popular, I guess. So, yeah. Well, and the fact that you couldn’t like keep it together.
but you could do all this. I mean, I didn’t say it was perfect. Okay. I didn’t say, yeah, I was like, you accomplished all of this organization of stupid ass shit. And you’re right. You cannot show up anywhere on time or keep track of your own pens and paper. Yeah. Right. Correct. Yes, exactly. I was always, that was miraculous to me. I was like, wow, crazy. So, uh, I’m with the stories here. I have a story this week. I was at a… Oh, I didn’t think you had a story. I thought he’s rambling on a lot here. No, no, I just riffed on some other stuff just because it came up. Oh, no, you were going on like 20 minutes of this riffing. I’m like, okay, he has no story this week. I’m like, okay, well, that’s all right. So I was at a Panera recently, and there was outdoor seating. A lot of Paneras, I think, have outdoor seating.
This guy likes to eat out a lot. Yeah, so I was heading into the Panera and I noticed there was two gentlemen sitting outside having their lunch. Dr. J and Dr. No, it wasn’t anybody I know. Nobody else. But they totally looked like they did not belong together. It was like… a younger guy who, you know, looked like he was healthy and what was it ray milan and uh rosie greer rosie greer almost yeah i would go okay in that vein. But yeah, so this young, healthy guy, he was eating like a salad or something. And then there’s this disheveled, homeless looking guy eating with him. Oh, I know where this is going. Okay. It’s me and Miles. Look at I’m the sally guy and
Miles is the other repulsive guy. I wasn’t even going to go there. Yeah. So I go in to eat, you know, get my food and sit down and eat. And they’re out the window and I’m watching them. And I come to the realization that this was an angel and a devil having lunch together. You’re fucked up. Yeah. Dude, this dude is on some whippets or something. I don’t know what the hell he’s getting on, man. I looked at him, and I’m like, and the way they were talking and so forth, and the one guy looked angelic, and the other guy looked like a devil, and they’re sitting there having, like, on their lunch hour. It was like, it was so obvious that it was an angel and a devil eating lunch together at Panera. Are you watching that show again, that Sam and Dean show? I don’t know what that is. What is that show?
Are you watching Supernatural again? No, no, I don’t watch Supernatural. And yeah, and so I’m like, this is weird. And I formulated this whole kind of thing in my head that this is what was going on. And then they get up and leave and go their separate ways. And then I finish my lunch and I’m leaving to go and I’m getting in my car and going out. And the angel guy went to the corner and was preaching and holding a sign about being saved. And the devil guy just disappeared. Did he pick up a fiddle by chance and start playing it hot? I just thought it was so hilarious that literally these guys were eating lunch. They looked like an angel, a devil. I go to leave and the angel guy is at the entrance to this area with all the restaurants and whatever, shopping plaza. Yeah.
And he is preaching and trying to get people saved. Are you listening to Charlie Daniels quite a bit recently? Yeah, that’s right. I told you once you saw a bitch. I wish I would have saw the devil guy doing something evil, but I didn’t. He’s probably crapping on a flower pot somewhere. But he looks so… He looked like such a devilish person. I thought, wouldn’t that be something? You know what I mean? Then after that happened, I’m like, oh my God, it was real. But what if the roles were actually reversed? Could be. So did you go up and say, hey, listen, I know this is going to sound a little strange, fellas, but hear me out. Yeah. No, I don’t interact with people in public. Come on.
Well, that’s true. Yeah. That’s true. You do not like people touching your stuff and you do not like to interact. Yes. In person with people. Like over the internet, you’re okay with, but yes, physical contact possible. You will not allow. No, no, no way. Yeah. Yeah. But, uh, it was, I, that was like one of those things where I’m like, I can’t believe I thought this and then look, here we are. You know, we both could be on the spectrum if you think about it. Yes, I realize I’ve heard this more than once from other people. Yeah, because I don’t really enjoy hugging. You basically hate people. You say that, but I can tell you right now that in a situation, in certain situations, you will leap into a hug that I would never hug, ever. What? Okay, what situation is this that I would leap into a hug? Large bosomy woman comes over and says, hey…
Miles, Bubby, come here. Give me a hug. I haven’t seen you in a while. Hey, Bubby, give me a hug. My Jewish grandmother? I watched you cuddle Lisa Dieselhorst in college. No. No, that is not true. Okay. He jumped in my lap and hugged me. Yes. She would have never made it into my lap. Hashtag me too. No, I didn’t know she was going to do that. Some girl, I was sitting outside, some girl in college, I barely knew, jumps on my lap, gives me a hug for no reason. Like she’s lost a bet or something. She’s like, oh. More true than you think. Like junior samples or something. No, back then you were wearing your Cavariccis. You were a thin man. Yeah, I was thinner. I was thin-ish, but I wasn’t thin.
Well, I was sitting across the way and I can tell you there was such a wrinkle in your eye that you were so happy that this was happening. It was like my whole love life. It happened so fast. I really didn’t know what it was until it was over, you know, pretty much. Yeah. And I recall she stayed there for a little bit. Not long enough. Not long enough. Why did she do that for? I mean. Yeah. I can see where, you know, scenarios where you would venture that I will not venture. I, you know, I can count on one hand how many times something like that without me having to pay for it, that that has happened. Yeah. Yeah. I will see that again. You would pay for it. Yeah. Yeah. I paid for something like that. Yes. Yeah. I never would do. Of course I would never do. You pay for, you know, yeah. Baked goods.
Well, whatever. But anyway, yes. To answer your question. Yes, that’s true. Yeah. Oh, so angels and devils. That’s interesting. Yeah. I thought, you know, I’m being kooky, but that’s what I got the vibe. I walked past their table. I got that vibe. I kind of watched him from the window. I got that vibe. I picture you in your Mazda Miata with your sunglasses on listening to Cars by Gary Neumann. I’m watching the devil and Lucifer in Cars. They were at a patio table, but yeah. Whatever. Close enough. Close enough. Well, maybe you might be right. I think I was. And that kind of freaked me out whenever i saw when i was leaving. I’m like, oh my gosh i’m like i was right and that’s what i’m telling kids. Trust your instincts. I just saw crowley trust your instincts. Trust your instincts about angels and devils i guess right and having panera yeah i don’t know.
if one of them bought the other one’s lunch, I have no idea on that, but, uh, I think that people, if they see you and I out for lunch, they probably think the same thing. You think? Yeah. Well, who would be the angel then? I don’t know. They’re probably think I was out to out to lunch at some ugly broad. I think it’s probably what they would think. Oh, no, it’s two dudes. It’s that’s a dude. Wait a minute. I don’t know what he is. I don’t know what. Transitioning? Transformer? I don’t know. So what’s going on with you? I’m apparently connected with the spirit realm or something. Well, you know, you always got to sneak in one more vacation story here. Oh my gosh. This guy, he’s never left the house in 10 years and now he’s like Mr.
I finally get to go on a real vacation. So yes, I’m going to blow my load on every story I can milk out of this thing. And, uh, normally you just go see relatives. I, well, once again, I do leech off the relatives quite a bit. Yes. You’re like, where can I go that I will not have to pay for a room. Do I have any cousins over there? I need a son. I need some help making a, Google map of all of our relatives and what they’re close to that I want to go to? Oh, that would be a good app. Yeah. Do we have anybody near Kings Island? Kings Island. I’ve been really wanting to go there. Six Flags of America. I know someone. Where are those at? Didn’t I go to college with the guy? Yeah. Isn’t Packingham, doesn’t he live down in Tampa Bay or something? Oh, if I knew where that guy lived, I went to school with this weirdo named Packingham. I would go visit this kid immediately, yes. He’s a weirdo.
So what’s going on with you besides Moochie? So we’re cruising in on Interstate 55 and by the state line of Mississippi and Louisiana, on the Mississippi side, there’s a sign that says crash site of the Leonard Skinner. Oh, really? Wow. And so, you know, we’re all like, hey, on the way back, we make this pack right now that we’re stopping. Your father’s got to see this crash site. He’s been to another one. He has to cross this one off his list. Yep. Yep. I’m going to go to Madison, Wisconsin and go steal his weddings next. Yeah. Okay. Did you make a little video for us? Um, no, no, I’m getting to that. I’m getting to that. Okay. And, uh, so on the way back, you know, like four or five days later, uh, we’re heading that way and,
my wife’s driving and, uh, I go, okay. Yeah. I see it coming up and, but it looks like it’s off the highway a little bit, you know? Yeah, probably. And it’s probably, I don’t know, as a guest being like 20 minutes off the highway or something. So it’s not, it’s not far, but you know, it’s far enough, you know, it’s kind of, you’re out in the middle of nowhere and he’s literally out in nowhere. And, um, so we, we finally make it there and, uh, just, It’s not the crash it’s close to it, but it’s not the actual site of course. Right. Yeah. Okay. And, uh, so they’ve kind of, you know, made a spot and they, I mean, it’s very nice. They put up some big, you know, monuments up there and stuff like that. They were pretty cool. And, um, pretty neat, pretty neat. And, uh, my wife was excited cause like her best friend, Desiree is like a huge, huge fan.
Really? Like, oh my, oh, she’s probably seen them in concert probably used to half a dozen times before the crash. Uh, not before the crowd, unfortunately not before the crash in 70 something, but no, I mean the child, the resurrected, uh, scared. And, uh, so about half the people in our car wanted to see it and half didn’t. I said, okay, that’s fair. I don’t care. You know, it’s no big deal. And, uh, so we go to see it and we’re taking pictures of course. And right in the middle of it, my son who had got out of the car, he’s like, man, I gotta go to the bathroom. Well, there’s no, there’s no question. He’s related. I’m like, well, like what? One or two or it was, Oh no, no. I just got to take a leak. I’m like, Oh, okay. All right. He goes, no three.
Yeah. And, um, every orifice is going to be leaking. So he’s like, well, listen, I’m going to walk down the road a little bit. If I leave here tomorrow. Yeah. So just so we’re clear, so we don’t get hate mail about why did your son piss on, you know, Robbie van’s ants, you know, whatever. No, he did. He walked, he did walk a distance to do this and, uh, which is fine. They didn’t have a port-a-potty or anything? No, there are no bathroom facilities at this. I’m surprised they didn’t have a port-a-potty. It looks like it’s been ripped out of an airplane. Oh, wow. Wow. Holy cow. Yikes. You know what they did have, though? They almost had a tent and some folding chairs just sitting there for some reason. I thought, that’s kind of weird. Maybe that was the bathroom. I don’t know. So he takes off.
And we’re taking pictures. And my wife, you know, I never listened to my wife, as you know. And she said something. I didn’t really pay attention to it. And I thought she was just taking pictures. You know, I’m like, okay. And my son was gone a while. You know, I’m like, Jesus, how far did that son of a bitch walk? You know? So I start yelling out like, hey, who’s that kid who’s rocking a piss? Where is he? You know? That’s a good thing to do. Of course, he’s ignoring me like, hey, kid, quit rocking a piss. About the fourth time, I finally get this evil look from my wife. I go, what’s wrong? She goes, I’m filming this for my best friend so she can see this. Basically, the whole video, you’ve been yelling, who’s got to rock a piss?
Oh, it’s lovely. Now I’ve got to refilm it all because of you, you stupid jerk. You loud fucking mouth. You dumbass jerk. You stupid jerk. I just thought it was funny. He had a rock of piss. I guess there’s nobody else around, so you’re just like… No, I mean, there was zero people around here. Zero, zero, zero. No houses. No one was driving by. I mean, it’s out in the middle of nowhere, you know, it’s, you know, over the snow drift. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. Yes. It was, it was not quite as remote as the buddy Holly, uh, crash site that I’ve also visited, but, uh, um, so it is a beautiful Memorial. If you have a chance to go there, it’s right off of interstate 55. Okay. I don’t remember the being the sign. I drove that way.
I went to New Orleans several years ago. So, yeah. So there are no toilet facilities. Yeah. I’m just going to rock a piss. Stay kid. Who says that? Who yells at somebody who’s trying to take a leak in the wild? I don’t know. I don’t know why I was yelling it before. I just was yelling it. what gets into your head? I like to embarrass people. You know, I just thought, you know, my son doesn’t really take yourself. He’s probably like, what an ass. I know. I mean, my son really does not like to be embarrassed at all. You know, he just really, yeah. Shut up. I wonder why. I wonder why you feel embarrassed. What? There was no one there. I mean, no one was hurt, but then I’m fine. You don’t want to have people yelling at you while you’re urinating.
Well, what I was afraid of, though, I go, what if there’s cameras up here watching us? Well, there could be because you and I went to that graveyard. There was a camera. Remember? Yeah, I know. Because then I got all weirded out. Like, maybe they’re hearing me yell, hey, rock a piss, you know? Yeah. They’re like, hey, I can’t find rock a piss in the Lynyrd Skynyrd songbook. What is he? This crazy guy keeps yelling rock a piss. That’s not. skinner tuesday rocked a piss. In the wind. In the wind. Yeah, exactly. If I piss here tomorrow. Did she, uh, finally get the did she send you to the car and make you shut up so that you could get a footage or what? No, I was very quiet. I was quiet as a mouse on her second attempt to film this. And, uh,
i feel bad. I ruined the video for desiree but uh yeah i think she’ll be fine. Yeah. So there you go. Not like, you know, it’s super important, right? Right. Hey, who’s walking the piss out here?

This Week

In this episode of Lament Tonight, host Bob introduces rising comedy talent Joe Cason from Detroit, who now performs in Nashville. Joe shares anecdotes about growing up in Detroit, revealing his self-deprecating humor and clever observations about his life, family, and experiences. He discusses the challenges of being a comedian and the unique culture shock he faced when moving to Nashville, including the differences in accents and lifestyle. Joe performs several comedic bits, touching on topics like therapy, family dynamics, and dating. The conversation also delves into Joe’s upcoming shows, including a competition for Nashville’s Funniest Comedian and his weekly open mic event, which fosters collaboration among comedians. The episode wraps up with Bob thanking Joe for his participation and encouraging listeners to catch him live.

Joe Cason

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, everybody, and welcome to Lament Tonight. We’ve got a good one for you. Stick around and find out what Joe Cason’s all about. Right now, Gary Lime and the Fleetones take us away. One, two, three, four. Oh, thank you. Thank you very much, Gary. It’s always great to have you here. Bob, you are a great asshole. Thank you, Gary. I really appreciate when you talk nice to me like that. We’re here tonight with Joe Cason. I don’t know if anybody knows who Joe Cason is, but I kind of do. I won’t say that I know him personally, but Joe Cason is a rising comedy talent hailing from Detroit, believe it or not. He made it out alive, but without any equity in his home. And he’s now bringing the laughs to Nashville.
Where, I mean, if you bought early, it’s probably worth a lot of money at this point. Known for sharp one-liners and clever wordplay, his act blends self-deprecating humor, absurd observations, and stories from growing up in the Motor City. So without further ado, let’s just go ahead and welcome Joe. Tell us about it. Hey, Bob. Thank you so much for having me. So good to be here. Oh, great. And regale us here with some Motor City madness, as it were. Oh, it was a fun city to grow up in. Everyone called me White Joe. The only thing was there weren’t any other Joes. They could have just called me by my name. That would have been a little better, but it was fun. I enjoyed it. Well, that’s great. I guess there was no other Joes, so they called other people like, well, it’s Slightly Tan Mark.
I guess they probably should have. Or maybe Vitiligo Martin. That was actually my neighbor. Joe, why don’t you just jump right into the comedy for us and do some material? Absolutely. I’m happy to do it for you guys. So good to be here, everybody. So I gave up porn recently. Don’t know what I’m going to do for money now. But I will figure something out, I guess, but I’m just kidding. Uh, I didn’t make any money. I was recently told I look like Timothy Chalamet if he was left in the dryer for too long, but that much of a market for that. But, uh, I just turned, uh, just had a birthday. I just turned 29, which is fun. Uh, but 29 is kind of a weird age because I’m too young to own a home and I’m too old for a P Diddy party.
But being 29 in my family is a little strange, though, because my younger siblings are a lot more successful than me. Like my younger sister is a doctor. My younger brother’s an engineer. I bought a massage chair recently. It’s kind of a weird purchase when you’re unemployed, but it is weird being the family disappointment when your mom believes in Bigfoot. So that’s. It’s kind of weird that my mom believes in Bigfoot, you know, this mythical creature that’s never been seen. But she gave up on me in 2009. I’ve been trying to take blurry pictures of myself and send it to her to prove to her that I am real, you know. And my dad is like 99% convinced I’m gay, which means he’s only 1% wrong.
I got a text from my dad last month. He’s like, happy pride month, but you’re having fun. I’m like, dude, you’ve met my girlfriend. What are you doing? He says it so much. I’m starting to believe it. You know what I mean? But, uh, so anyway, I’m in therapy. Therapy is good, but my therapist, uh, she thinks I’m having a midlife crisis, which is a really sad way to find out. I’m apparently going to die in my fifties. Uh, she’s not a real doctor, you know? I’m actually glad I had a therapy today. I’m glad I didn’t get institutionalized because I have therapy every Thursday at 1130. I showed up yesterday at one o’clock thinking it was time. And they’re like, Mr. Case, and this is not your day. You usually have your appointments Thursday at 1130. And instead of saying, oh, I’m sorry, I’m brain dead. I just said, oh, I’m sorry, I’m bread. So I went into therapy, called myself bread.
He’s fully expecting to be institutionalized today, but glad that didn’t happen. I didn’t help the situation, though, when my therapist is like, imagine your younger self is sitting right next to you. And I was like, oh, you see him, too. So, yeah, but I am working on improving myself, though. Like I have, like I said, I’m dating again, which is good, which is it is good, though, because my last girlfriend ended up keying my car. I now drive a 2009 Toyota douchebag. So that’s great. But yeah, it’s like I said, speaking of things not going your way, my grandpa was in the Holocaust. And people always, when you have family in the Holocaust, people will always say like, would you ever go visit their concentration camp? And I was like, I would say like, yeah, I guess. But I looked it up one day and found out
This is a true story. His camp was bulldozed and they turned it into an amusement park. So now I actually want to go, you know, ride the holocauster or whatever rides they have. But it’s fun. My family is actually a Romani. There’s a stereotype that Romani people are criminals and thieves. And that’s kind of a sad fact. And then I found out that the the only three Romani words to make it to the English language. are Shank, Shiv, and Narc. Which is really upsetting. Yeah, so upset when i heard that fact. I decided to return uh all the wallets i had recently stolen. But I’m glad my family came to America, though. You know, move somewhere uh free of crime, free of poverty. So I’m from Detroit, as you said and detroit is a tough city to grow up in. And I know i don’t look tough.
But that’s because I’m not. It was dangerous, actually, growing up in Detroit, looking like me. I have what they call resting snitch face. So that was fun. But I get it, though. I’m kind of a small guy. Like, I was once asked to play a cancer patient on a TV show. And they told me I’d have to gain a couple pounds. That’s great. Actually, back in Detroit, they used to call me, uh, Extra Slim Shady instead. No, they really did call me white Joe. And, uh, I got bullied a lot in Detroit. That’s because i embarrassed myself a lot. Like, I, uh, used to accidentally call my teacher Mom. Which is weird. It was especially weird because i went to an all-black school. So that made it a little weirder but uh yeah but i’ll leave you guys on uh this i uh joined a gym recently. Yeah.
I don’t really understand how gyms work because people keep asking me to spot them and I just don’t carry cash on me like that. But there’s actually this couple at my gym that’s trying out for that show Naked and Afraid. And I could never do that because I’m already clothed and terrified as it is. But there’s this giant mural on the wall at my gym that just says I was born ready. And I really hate that statement. Because I was born premature. I was not ready at all. All right. That’s what I got for you today, Bob. Thank you. Fantastic. Joe Case and everybody. And White Joe. I think we’re just going to call you that from now on. You know, there’s no, we’re going to drop the case and just White Joe. White Joe. I’m down with that. You know, I mean, it could be a comedian name or a rapper name, actually. It could be. I could be both. There’s Ugly Kid Joe.
That’s another one that’s out there, right? That’s right. There’s Fat Joe. Remember Fat Joe? I remember Fat Joe, yeah. Now he’s not so Fat Joe. Yeah, he lost it. Lost a lot of weight. But you got to change the name. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Fat Joe. I mean, if you were to go to Tahiti for a year and come back all tan, they wouldn’t call you White Joe anymore. They’d call you Tan Joe from Tahiti. I can go with Tan Joe. I prefer that. Well, one minute here, Joe, we’ll get back to you. We got a word from our sponsor and I’m actually going to read this one. I don’t have, sometimes we have prepared things. I don’t have a prepared one tonight, so I’m just going to read it. So let’s see here. Let’s have a go.
If you’re looking for a midday laugh, tune in to Joe Kaysen’s Lunch Hour Open Mic, happening live every Tuesday. Join us for a hilarious break from your day featuring fresh talent and seasoned pros. That’s Joe Kaysen’s, or White Joe, Lunch Hour Open Mic, Tuesdays at 1, noon Central, 11 Mountain, Pitt Pacific. Get ready to laugh with Joe Kaysen’s Lunch Hour Open Mic. There you go, Joe. How about that? Thank you. I appreciate the plug. I think I got all the time zones correct as well. Can you believe it? I think you did. Yeah, I barely even know them, but they sounded right to me. So let’s keep going with this whole white Joe thing. I mean, this seems like, you know, you would get mixed up with the former president. You would think so. But believe it or not, there’s not too many white people in Detroit.
So it was very easy to spot, like, hey, there’s White Joe. Wasn’t Michael Moore from Detroit? Wasn’t he the filmmaker? Yeah, he’s from outside Detroit. Oh, okay. We’ll take him, you know. Yeah. Gross Point Blank, was he from Gross Point, perhaps? He was, yeah, Gross Point, that was east of Detroit. And then I think he lived in Flint for a while, if I remember correctly. So… Does everybody ever call you Canadian, Joe? Because, I mean, Detroit’s right there by the border. Maybe you just snuck across. Honestly, I think like I was telling people the other day, I think my parents made a mistake. Like, you know, my family came to America to have American babies. And I’m like, I was two miles away from free health care for the rest of my life. Yeah. Maybe we should rethink this, folks. Yeah, exactly.
But yeah, you could actually see Canada from my old house, my old neighborhood, because I lived in South Detroit, right by the Ambassador Bridge. You look over, you see happy people with their cheap insulin. It was great. I was going to say, I don’t know how old your father is, but I think Viagra is covered over in Canada. That might be why I’m here today, Bob. Yeah. So maybe he was sneaking over the border. That’s one of those things you never hear about. Everybody’s worried about build a wall in Mexico and everything. What about all these Canadians just going back and forth, back and forth, getting cheap ciggies over here in the States and then dragging them back up to Canada? I mean, that’s got to be a racket, don’t you think? I think it should be. I know Canada would probably want to build a wall from us because I remember in high school, kids would cross the border because you could drink at 18, 19 in Canada.
And then you just come back and then it’s back to 21 or the casinos were also 18 and up. So a lot of people would go over to, you know, gamble away their fast food earnings. So their allowances, Burger King money goes far over in Canada. That’s right. That’s right. Exchange rate is mad. I went to Canada a long time ago and it was, uh, you’d get for a 20 American 20, uh, you get $25 Canadian at the time. I think that’s changed since then, but we were at a bar in Canada getting drunk with an extra $5. So it was fantastic. I mean, it’s like your free money just comes out of the sky, you know? So yeah, well, now you got to think about this. You need to really seriously, now that you are, you know, you have, you’re working your way into a career here.
as a comedian in Canada may be a good home base. You know, it might be, I know they do love funny people up there. They do. They have some great clubs up there. I’ve had friends in Detroit that are comedians go do gigs in Canada. They’ve loved it. I love, I mean, just the only difference is what milk comes in bags. I can get over that. You know, that’s right. The milk bag. It’s the only difference really. We don’t have a, we don’t have a jug. We have a bag. He’s like, how the hell do you get that home? He’s so nervous. Spilling it. It’s like they’re wasting so much milk up there from like spillage. I can imagine like, you know, people with palsy trying to get their milk bag and it goes all over the place. Oh my God. Yeah. So, so now you’re in Nashville now, which I mean, obviously Nashville, right at this moment is kind of like, you know,
one of the few centers of the universe, as I’m told by people who live near there in that area, because it’s booming. I mean, Nashville is like everything right now entertainment wise. And I mean, people just want to live there in Tennessee. You don’t have any state tax from what I understand. Right. So is that why you’re there just to get out of taxes? There’s no shiv shiv shank tax down there. Exactly. I got to, Yeah, make sure my $20 gigs aren’t taxed here in Tennessee. That’s what I got to do. Well, it’s like that $5 exchange. I mean, anything counts, right? It really adds up down here. So, I mean, were you forced to go down there because of a work program? Or was this something that you were like, okay, I’m making a conscious decision to go to Music City, USA? Well, I moved. I was 19 when I moved here.
And I moved with my, I was still living with my parents. So they, they moved, they wanted, um, kind of get out of the snow. My dad got a job here. Everyone moved. I went with them. I was, you know, love the chance to, uh, be in a new city, try new things. At the time I actually worked in the music business a little bit. So I was like, Hey, I’m going to Nashville. It’s music city. But then I forgot how much I hate country music. So I was like, maybe there’s no work for me here. Yeah. Yeah, well, I don’t know if writing your name on a pre-burned CD and telling people that it’s theirs now is necessarily working in the music business, Joe. You caught me. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. You can be pale shady. I’m pale shady. So do you enjoy it down there? I mean, obviously, the country music aside…
Although, to be honest with you, at this point, I mean, it’s kind of just pop music with, you know, like hay on it. So, you know, it’s not quite as as bad as it used to be where, you know, people had two teeth and overalls and babies hanging on them. Exactly. That’s once you leave Nashville, that is what you see. But I do love I do love it here. It’s a great city. The comedy here is incredible. We have some amazing comics blowing up out of here right now. Just really hardworking comics that are out there every single day. Great gigs, great shows. And because there’s so many tourists, a lot of the shows, you know, you get a lot of new people in and out of the open mics. You actually have like real audiences sometimes, which is as a comedian is pretty great because in most cities you’re just performing for the same 10 comics over and over and they’ve heard all your jokes. It just gets kind of hard. Well, that’s great. So,
That’s interesting. Now, since you’ve been there a decade, I mean, you’re practically a local at this point, I guess, right? Wouldn’t you become local? You don’t have a twang. You don’t talk like you’re from Nashville. I can be thankful for that. Do you put one on? Do you acclimate whenever you’re in certain situations where you’re like, oh, yeah, I was down at the Piggly Wiggly trying to pick up some beef jerky today. I have never done that, thankfully. And I actually right now, I actually live outside the city. I moved out to the country to save money. And that that is how everyone talks. I swear I need a translator just to hear what they’re saying at the local grocery store, which it’s not a piggly wiggly, but they do let you smoke inside. So I don’t know. Oh, well, it’s the same. The no smoking store is in town. Yeah, exactly. I got to go into Nashville if I want to.
you know, buy my cheese puffs without breathing in secondhand smoke. Well, think about it. You’d save on cigarettes. Just walk through the store a couple times. You’re like, where are you going? Oh, I’m going to go get a couple of cigarettes just by walking through the store, not actually purchasing any. Not a bad idea to save money, for sure. I mean, I know cigarettes are probably getting more expensive, so it’s an economical choice right there. If it wasn’t Piggly Wiggly, what was it? I’m curious. It’s called Lawrence. I think that’s just the guy who set up a store. That’s what they have here. And you go through and everything’s mostly expired and everyone’s smoking inside. Oh, okay. I was going to say, on the outside, it’s just a store. And then he’s like, yeah, it’s my store. It’s Lawrence. Oh, Lawrence. Yeah, exactly. Well, that’s…
When you first moved there as a young’un, I guess you were out of school at that point, or at least out of K-12 school. I mean, unless you get held back several times, I haven’t heard of. So, I mean, what was the big culture shock? Because it’s got to be a big deal going from, you know, Detroit is not a bustling mecca. Even 10 years ago, it was kind of on the down. So what was the life like? It was, it definitely was shocking with, like I said, I had a very hard time understanding everybody, which is kind of funny. And everybody thought I was from Canada too, just because of the way I talk. I didn’t realize that. You should just embrace that. I might take it up and maybe they’ll let me come back over, go over. But yeah, I couldn’t, I remember not being able to understand anybody was hard for a minute. And then everybody, I don’t know what it is. If Detroit just has way too many,
or at least my family, way too many Eastern Europeans, but everyone in the South I think is a lot taller. And I forgot like, yeah, cause I’m five, eight. So I would walk around being like in Detroit. I’m like, I’m average size. And then here in Nashville, like I am so short. This is, this is kind of hard. It’s well, it’s, I think it’s whenever they give birth. If the kid doesn’t drop all the way out, he just hangs there. And then they go, they’re walking around the grocery store smoking. That’s right. That’ll do it. Yeah. Maybe it would stunt them, but it doesn’t. So it gives them that little nicotine boost. They need to make it strong. Makes them. Yeah. Makes them hang on, hang in there an extra two weeks. Absolutely. Get a little bit bigger. So, so what’s coming up for Joe? What’s coming up for white Joe or Canadian Joe? We’ve got all these names for you now, Joe, pale Joe, white Joe, Canadian Joe. Yeah.
White, pale Canadian Joe. What’s the future hold for Joe? Well, I mean, comedy has been going very well. I’m very thankful. I’ve been at it less than a year and I’ve been getting adequately booked and having good shows. I have a show coming up in two weeks from today at the Dive Motel in Nashville, which I’m very excited about. It’s a legendary venue here in town. And I got some other… Contest coming up. I’m competing in Nashville’s Funniest Comedian coming in September. Oh, wow. You’re already signed up. I’m already signed up. I paid my fee. I mean, that’s not really much of a gig. It’s like I paid to be there, but I’m still pretty excited. As long as it all happens, then you didn’t get took. I mean, then you’re good, right? Absolutely. I trust that the email was official from the local club, which I’ve performed at.
So I was like, okay, it’s, it’s happened and I can, I’ll pay to make it happen. But yeah, I’m planning on, um, doing some shows here through September, October, uh, late this winter. I plan on hitting the road a little bit, doing shows just around the Southeast, hitting some new cities, doing some gigs in Atlanta, Chattanooga, Louisville. I have potential one lined up. So I’m going to be traveling a little bit, uh, getting my set together and growing as a comic. Wow. Wow. This is all crazy. So you’re from Detroit. You’re going to be traveling. What are your wheels? A Prius C. It’s an economical car. You are Canadian. Probably. A Prius C. That’s the little one, right? That’s the small one. I bought it from an old lady who rammed into everything. So there’s a dent on every corner of the car. And
I got a great deal. It was 10 years old, but there was only like 9,000 miles on it because- Oh my gosh. And a bunch of dents, apparently. And a bunch of dents. It was pretty bad. It’s hard to light your next cigarette while you’re driving in the parking lot at Lawrence’s. What was the name of it? At Lawrence’s, yep. At Lawrence’s shop. Lawrence’s store. So, you know, that’s tough. Well- We’re going to take a quick break and we’re going to come back and we’re going to play a game with Pale Canadian Joe. So everybody stay tuned. Back in one second. Bye. Gary, I don’t know why you sing so fast. I don’t know what’s going on with Gary. He’s like on speed or something. Come on. And that’s what she said. Oh, really? Okay. Well, his girlfriend concurs on all that. So that was Gary Lyme and the Flea Towns, everybody. Fantastic job. I don’t know if you could tell what song that was, but it’s an oldie but a goodie. And actually quite, I guess, Nordic in its origins, if you knew what it was.
So we’re going to play a game here, Joe. I think you decided, I have a list of games that I show the guests ahead of time. I say, which one do you think you’d like to do? And I think we’re going to go with your, you are the expert. All right. So you, Joe, are the expert in a field that I’m going to tell you. And it’s obviously a very improvised situation here. So I’m going to spit one out at you and we’re just going to see where it goes. Sounds good. Let’s do it. The challenging mind of a transplanted Canadian Detroiter into Nashville, down at Lawrence’s, sucking in the secondhand smoke. Okay, you’re a nuclear reactor technician. Don’t call it. No, okay. First order of business. And the alarms are going off. What happens? You’re the expert. What do we do?
You call the manager, the more expert. Here’s the thing. This isn’t fries. We’re not making fries. The fry vat’s burning. No, this is a nuclear reactor and you are the technician. Bob, I’m glad you asked me this. I actually have a master’s degree in nuclear science. This is my field. When that is happening, you pray to whatever God you believe in and hope that your family will at least survive the 300-mile fallout. Because if the reactors are going off, the first thing you got to do is just shut the alarm off. That gets kind of annoying. You can’t think with all the beeping. Yes, all the whistles. It’s hard to concentrate on what you’re trying to do. I think they did that at Chernobyl. That’s what happened. And look how that turned out. Actually, pretty decently from what it could have been. It could have been worse.
Yeah. Could have been way worse. So turn the alarm off. Get your head thinking straight. Then you just shut the reactor off. It’s an on off situation on off. You turn it off. It can’t do any harm. It’s not going to hurt anybody. And so you’re telling me all of these billions of dollars spent on nuclear power. Literally, each one of them just has a really large on off switch. It’s the most economical way to do it. If you have a key, you could lose it. It’s just best to have a button. If you turn it off and power goes out, whoops, you just flip the breaker back on. Power is restored to the Chicago area just like that. Oh, wow. I didn’t realize it was so simple. Everybody makes it seem like it’s really difficult. You really brought it down to earth for us. They just want to feel smarter than us. You know, it’s really not that complicated.
So then disaster averted, you hit the big switch. How do you get going again? Just hit the switch? Yeah, you turn it off and on. You know, when your computer’s having problems, sometimes you just got to turn it off and just let it sit, let it cool down. Then you turn it back on. All your startup programs come up, you exit out of them. It’s the same with the reactor. It’s really no different. It’s just a giant Chromebook. Does it come with Solitaire? Yeah. It has solitaire. It has chess. The chess uses a little too much processing power. So you want to be careful with that. It’s not Garry Kasparov’s chess. This is like minimal chess is what you’re saying. This is 400 Elo chess that you’d play with the kindergartner kind of thing. Oh my goodness. You know,
I almost believe in you on all of this, honestly. I think that it probably is that simple. It really is. So where do you get the uranium rods? I mean, do those come in – like, can you get them on Amazon? How does that work? It’s on Prime. You have to pay – they’re not two-day, but they’re on Prime. You got to get the extended delivery on those. But you can still get them. They come on dry ice. It’s – Not too complicated. Granted, the tariffs made it a little more expensive. Where do those come from? Do they have to import that, I guess? They got to import it from Chernobyl, actually. There’s a lot of radioactive material all over Chernobyl. They just pick up a rock. It’s now a rod. They just hammer it out.
Or they do like when you were a kid, you know, you got your clay, you just made a little turd out of it. That’s right. Just roll it in their hands. Well, there you go. That’s the nuclear technician. Now we got a new name for you. Nuclear Technician Joe. And the world feels much safer with you on the switch. I’m glad to be a part of it. Yeah. Gary, play us another song, would you? Thank you, and good night. No, we’re not done yet, Gary. I want you to play another song. Come on. leave you for that one so joe uh things are going well nashville’s doing good for you you may go to louisville which i don’t know if that’s an up or a down on the scale i’m gonna say it’s an up because people know that right so chattanooga maybe a little more of lateral lateral move on that one i would say so yeah uh you’ve been to chattanooga before haven’t you
Yeah, I’ve done shows here before. Did you go on the inclinator, the incline railroad? Have you been on that? I saw that was available, and I went to go actually buy tickets, and the thing was down. So I went, and I didn’t have cash, and we didn’t get to go. And I was like, you know what? I’m already losing time here. I’ve got to get back to Nashville. But that was cool. And then, fun fact about that, you – walk out of there looking for an ATM and you will run into a Confederate graveyard. So that’s a little, a fun little tidbit for those. Is that where the ATM is? You know, that’s where I thought it was surprisingly close to, uh, civilization. It was a very, another little culture shock for me living in Tennessee. I was like, wow, that would not last five minutes in Detroit. Yeah. I can imagine there would be a little intolerance on the, uh,
confederate graveyard situation, especially when they put the ATM in the middle of it. That’s just ridiculous. You go, oh yeah, it’s over there by, you know, Memorial to Robert E. Lee. Robert E. Lee ATM. For every greenback you get you get some confederate money as well. It’s a bonus. They’re trying to get rid of it. They wanted us to burn it, but we thought, no, we’ll give it away as a souvenir. You can actually buy Confederate money at, in Chattanooga too, by the way, like actual Confederate money. And I think they actually take it at Lawrence’s fun facts. So legal tender there only for cigarettes. Yes. Oh my gosh. Let’s see. What would the conversion rate? Speaking of that, what would the conversion rate be to a U S dollars and
defunct confederate dollars. That’s a great question. I mean, it only exists it’s got to be something like 250 to five, whatever that is. 50, 50 to one, I would say years on how long each was around. I think that would work, but you take a confederate bill to canada and you do get an extra five dollars so that’s still even to this day. Well, Joe, I want to thank you for being my guest tonight and all the best to you and your success and going on the road. I wish you nothing but the greatest. And don’t forget the lunch hour. You want to do the commercial for your own show here on Plausible? Yeah, absolutely. Every Tuesday at 12 o’clock Central Time, we have the lunch hour open mic.
If you hate your coworkers as much as I do, you can pop in, tell between five and seven minutes of jokes, depending on how many people we get in. We have so many great comics coming in all over the country, sharing their material. And at the end of everybody’s sets, we all go over each other’s stuff, give each other tags, help each other improve. So it’s like a great writer’s room for new and experienced comics. And it’s just a lot of fun to hang out. Come be a part of the family and join us 12 o’clock Central Time on Tuesdays. There you go. Joe Kaysen’s lunch hour. Now you’re making people work for a minute. I thought we could sit down and no, no. Oh, you got to critique and you got to write and you got to come up with ideas. I mean, this is working out, Joe. Yeah. Yeah. Come, come be a Joe Kaysen’s AI on Tuesday afternoon. That’s right. Come help me with my sets and I’ll end the show before I help you. The mechanical Turk. Yeah, that’s right.
Mechanical Turk. There you go. Well, Joe, thank you so much. Everybody go see Joe on Tuesdays as well as when he’s out performing live in the real world. And we’ll see you all here on the next lament tonight, next month. Who knows? We’ll be with me. I don’t know. We’ll find out. And hopefully it’ll be just as, just as nice and delightful as this was. So good night, Canadian pale Joe, nuclear technician Joe. Best of luck. Thank you, Bob. Thank you so much for having me.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

waiting for it i know i’m coming out so you better get the party started oh that’s i’m coming up oh really Hey, everyone. Miles Tartle with the Static Radio Show. Thanks for pulling up a chair and listening. Maybe I’m coming out and not coming up. Some people said you were coming out. Yeah, could be. Could be. Never know on these things. Yeah. Things happen. People, people, people happen. Things happen. You and your friend Kip. What a day for a daydream. Oh, Miles. So I think the vacation’s still happening in this world, even though it’s not happening in my world. Yes. But I have a couple of pre-vacation stories for you. So getting ready for vacation. Right. Kind of. Okay. So the first one is…
So we drove up to Michigan and we got, you know, the van and the six seater and everybody went together in the van. So before we were going to go up there, I’m like, you know, we got to clean this thing up because it’s filthy. You know what I’m saying? With your jizz rags and stuff. No, come on now. So I’m like, So I had taken my… Jizz rags. No, my children’s hassle. They had jizz rags too? No. So I had taken my kids. We went and went bowling for fun. Bowling? Bowling. Bowling. the outrageousness of it. We went bowling, you see? And, uh, so we went bowling. So after bowling i’m like i’ll take you i’ll take you bowling and then afterwards you know will you help me clean out this van? So we’ll be ready to load up, you know, in a day here. So we can head out to go on vacation. What are the crusty tissues, dad? Yeah. Yeah. I go, miles was in the van.
Don’t worry, boss. Two years ago, he was here. You keep saying there’s Krugerians in here, but no. I have them now, assholes. Oh, good. Well, hey, good for you. So we go bowling. We have some fun bowling and playing some video games and whatnot. Who won? My daughter’s boyfriend won one game. Ezekiel. Good. He did good. Ezekiel. Zeke, as we call him. Zeke. Ezekiel, yeah. And then I won the first game. We just played two. Did you do like a granny thing where you kind of go low? No, I know how to bowl, my friend. Oh, really? Oh, yes. I mean, not well, but I actually know how to throw the ball like a normal bowling person. I thought your large hips would get in the way of you, like, you know, doing it. Thank you. Yeah. I had to go around it? No. Yeah. So, yeah. So, we went bullets. And then afterwards, I’m like, okay, now here comes the work, right? So, I’m like, in town, there’s, like, there’s a couple, three, like, you know, fancy car washes where you get your, you drive, you know, you go in and it grabs your car’s wheel and pulls you through the car wash.
Car wash. Car wash. You youngsters have never seen Car Wash. No one’s going to know what that is. No one will know what that is. No, you should watch it. It’s an old movie. I know it’s an old movie. My God. It’s a great movie. It’s fantastic. It tells you all about working at a car wash. It does. And then it has good songs as well. George Carlin was in it too. I think. Yeah. I just mentioned that he’s a cab driver. So, um, we, I go, well, there’s a new one. So we just, so we try out the new one rather than going to the same old one. Plus the old one, we have to, it’s further away. Yeah. They’re all like, yeah, sure. Whatever, you know, whatever, you know, what do you, whatever you want to do, old man, I’ve got, you know, I got, uh, tricked into cleaning the car.
for a couple games of bowling. List your title. You got any whippets? I don’t have no whippets. So we go up to, and I’ll tell you the name of the place because it’s a chain of places. It’s called the Car Club Car Wash. Of all the Ks, I bet, right? No, no, no Ks. Oh, okay. The Car Club. C C C W C C C C senior. So the, um, so I’m like, okay, you know, the other car wash, you just pull up to the little kiosk and you punch in, you know, and you swipe your card and it tells you when to pull forward, you know, and then some, you know, guy has this pathetic hose that sprays down your car before you actually enter the car wash.
My home is a very big sack. Sorry. His job is basically so you don’t gun it through the car wash and wreck into everything and tear the place up, I guess. Right. Put it in neutral. You know. So anyway, I’m like, oh, this should be the same way. Well, I start pulling up and they have the little placards above because there’s several gateways. Right. And I’m like, well, there’s not, it’s the only one to pay. You know, it’s like a thing where they want you to sign up for something and everybody goes to the right. And then the only one where you can just pay for one car wash is all the way to the left. And there’s a person in there. Yeah. And so I pull up and I’m like, yeah, I just want to get the, whatever the regular car wash is. And then of course they go, well, do you want the, do you want the,
$10 car wash? Do you want the $13 car wash? Do you want the $25 car wash? I’m like, no, I just want the $10. I can’t imagine what the hell you’re doing to my car for $25 to clean it. I pulled on my pants a little. I just want the $10 car wash. Oh, and then that’s where the hard sell card’s coming in. But sir, I’m working my way through college. No, yeah. Sir, don’t you want to join the car club for only $20 five dollars a month no you can get your car wash as much as you want no like no i want one are you sure? I mean, and then for thirty dollars you can get the deluxe car. and like, no, I just want a car wash at this point. You know, five people have gone through the other gate. You know, they’ve all given in. They they’re weak. They’ve all bought the subscription to the car wash and are driving right through.
Oh my God, this is the tough… I have bought houses with not as tough a sell as this car wash and their stupid club. Oh my God. It was so rough. I felt like this lady was just trying… She was doing nothing when I pulled up and I think she just wanted to entertain herself for the next 10 minutes trying to get me to buy a stupid club wash thing. Sir, I’m working my way through college and if you don’t do this, I won’t be able to, Have the spring semester. That’s right. I’m not going to make it next year. No, I held firm. I held firm, and we pulled through. I go, I’m never fucking coming back here ever again. Man, if they approach the wrong guy with you, I’d be like, fuck. I go, we are going to go fuck up these vacuums. Yep, yep. I don’t care if…
I want you guys to suck the seat lug nuts out of this thing, into this vacuum. I want you to clean up the whole parking lot with these vacuums. I was so pissed. Oh, the world’s biggest tightwad. I literally just wanted to rinse off this car and basically use the vacuum because those things are tremendously powerful. You know, there’s nothing, nothing. If you stick that thing under the seat, there’s nothing left under there. I like to be a man and do it myself. I like to get the wand out. Oh, good man. Come on. Yeah. I love doing that. You cannot beat these vacuums that they got. That’s the whole scam. The best thing about the whole damn place is the vacuum. No, I agree, but I’m, I like being a man and washing it myself. I like to do that. Oh my. Yeah. Well, yeah. In your white t-shirt out there. It’s good. It’s all wet. My wife beater. I like to wear, go there. My short shorts. Yeah.
It was like a Hardee’s commercial with who was in the Hardee’s commercial where he was washing the car. Was that Paris Hilton or was that somebody else? Mindy Kahn. That, well, you’re, yeah, that would be you. Yes. That was my fantasy. Yeah. Oh, I was so aggravated with the hard sell. I’m like, God damn these people. Sir, don’t you realize what a value this would be, though? Yeah, exactly. Like on and on. I’m like, it’s lucky that I’m even washing the car. I wouldn’t be doing this on a regular day. I mean, I wouldn’t be washing the car. The other place, I mean, sometimes they ask you, sometimes they don’t. You can always use the kiosk. They never, ever ask you more than once. Oh, you want to join the club? Got the club thing. No, thanks. Okay. Go on through.
It’s like this lady was making commissions. Like every time I wash the car, she’s going to get like $5 or something. I guarantee it. I guarantee, man. That’s what that was about. Holy shit. This woman. Christ. I get $3 every time you say yes. If I could turn around, because at this point I’m trapped in a little, you know, concreted area there where you can’t turn around. I would have turned right around. Right. Yeah. I’d be like, uh… These people, I swear, man. I can’t stand them. That’s funny. Yeah, I’m sure. I knew you would love it. You’d be like, oh, yeah. And then the other thing was, before we left, because you know I love a good steak dinner. We went to that steak dinner. The Sizzler. No, it’s better than that. If you would ever, like you came through town, if you would ever stop, I’d take you to this place. It’s great.
But we went there. We go to this place, the steak dinner place, and everybody was there for steak dinner before we took off on the holiday. And so we got our seat and everything. We got this crusty old waitress. I swear to God, she was the crustiest waitress we’ve had in a long time. Just my grits. Yeah, exactly. She comes in, what do you want? She’s very good in waitressing, but very to the point. She’s like, I ain’t got no straws. You got to wait until I come back with some straws. Okay. I’m trying to remember what the setup was, but somebody asked about something. I’ve been waitressing here for 20 years. I don’t give a shit. Just bring me my food. But anyway, it was so funny because then that became the line of the night. I’ve been, whatever it was, I’ve been 20 years. But it was good. And she was a real nice lady. She looked like Large Marge from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, which didn’t help at all. What do you want, Sweet Cakes?
I’ll just have the steak. Yeah, I’ll have a New York strip. You’re all intimidated. I’ll just have a steak, please. I’ll just have a salad and some rolls. Mr. Salad. Yeah. Oh, they have a great salad, I’m telling you. Mr. Salad. I had salad tonight. I know. Your family always brags every time you eat salad. I’m like, fuck. All right. Well, probably cause I didn’t need it for like 20. The guy eats salad. Great. Yeah. Everyone get excited. Like Jesus. But if you’d ever stopped by, then I, we could go to the steak place. It’s, it’s terrific. It’s just, you’re just down the street from me. So yeah, I couldn’t just go down there. Well, you came through twice recently. So, well, no, you mocked me every time. Like that one time I stopped by your house. It’s like, Oh, you just came here to use my bathroom and poop or something. And you and your family. True.
that was true. He made fun of me. So then I’m like, we’re, we’re basically in grade school at that time. So it’s been a little while. It’s been a while. So, but anyway, Large Marge was telling us all how it’s done in the waitressing world, which was fantastic. But I did, I actually, the kids were a little more, you know, I can’t believe it. And I was kind of like, well, I think that’s the way it is. 20 years. Yeah. And I’m like, 45 years, my life is still trying to get up this great big hill. But I thought she was overall a good waitress, even though she was a little big. cranky. And sexy. In a, you know, hazel from the sitcom kind of way. Hazel. Hello, Mr. B. How are you, Mr. B? I’ve been working here for 20 years. Come here, Mrs. Garrett. Oh, Mr. Drummond. Oh. Oh.
The facts of life started off on different strokes, just in case kids don’t know that. I think I knew that, yes. She was the housekeeper for Mr. Drummond. Yes. Oddly enough, in a meeting today, not me, somebody else said, what are you talking about? Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Don’t do it. It was all appropriate. Don’t do it. Don’t do it. I was surprised. I’m like, wow, a different strokes reference. Go ahead. Yeah. Good figure. Yeah. Mr. Drummond, get your hands off me. This is good. What’s going on with you? Anything? And so, all right. Well, okay. Vacation stories. Let’s just keep going here. I just had so many. I actually have more, but that’s okay. All right. Well, I’m going to squeeze out one or two and see how these go. I mean, they won’t be funny. I don’t know. I’ll squeeze out one. That’s a good way to put it. Thank you. I don’t know. It’s free. It’s a free show. So screw you if you don’t like it. If you don’t laugh, screw you and your family. And so, okay. So I was in New Orleans for just three or four days, very briefly. And of course we saw everything. And of course,
The main thing, of course, a lot of people would say is go to the War Museum, the World War II. That’s what I told you. I’m like, hey. You know, it’s like the beam in Chicago. Was it Dumars? Dumars? What’s the… Café du Monde? Café du Monde. That’s right. Café du Monde. I love that place. I was only there once. I was like, oh, God, I’d go back there. I’d go back there immediately. It was nice. I mean, it’s got nice outdoor seating, good beignets. Uh, the beignet was a lot better than the piece of alligator that I was trying to eat. So yeah. Yeah. Never, never again. I don’t like strange meat in my mouth. Oh, that was one of my, uh, that’s a, that’s a, that leads into a quick story of mine real quick. I had a, uh, an artisan pizza and, uh, it was, uh,
the meat pizza, but I had a piece of mystery meat on it, which was, it wasn’t a sausage. It wasn’t a pepperoni. It wasn’t a bacon. It could have been alligator for all I know. The moral had stopped by and dropped off a tip. Yeah. It was like, it kind of looked like a piece of pineapple, but it did not taste that way. Your wife’s like, that looks like your penis. Small. I didn’t get mushrooms on this. Yeah. Small but tasty. So anyway, you had a good time at the cafe. I had the cafe and all that. So we go to the museum. Go to the cemetery, right? Well, yeah. I was trying to actually talk about the museum before you interrupted me. I was trying to go to the museum. Thank you for interrupting. You’ve been working here for 26 years. Oh, Christ. Good night. My wife
you know, it’s got a bad back. So we actually got her a wheelchair there. You know, my son was pushing her around and you, uh, that’s terrible. I didn’t realize that it was that bad. Yeah. Her back’s fucked up. It’s pretty bad. So, uh, you gotta go all the work around the house. Maybe that’s going to be pretty dirty around here. So anyway, but, uh, but you have to start off with like this pseudo train ride. Right. And, uh, which I like, okay. It’s all right. You know, I don’t know. You seemed excited about it, but I don’t know. I don’t know. And it’s like, I love train ride, love boat rides, train rides, you know? So you gotta, uh, there’s like, they give you these little cards and it’s like, well, put this card up to the thing and it’ll assign you a, a real life person. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So these two, so these two nitwits are seated behind me. My son and my wife are seated behind me and I’m sitting by myself.
And, uh, anyway, I look and I’m some kind of like Swedish woman. I’m like, what? I’m like, Oh, probably not a good, uh, a good choice for you. Yeah. I’m like, what the fuck? I was a whore during the war. I got a lot of information and a lot of, I’m like, So I, I was kind of like sad. I’m like, turned around, you know, it gets over. I turned around, I go, I got some kind of weird woman or something. What’d you guys get? They’re both, they’re both like, oh, we both got Jimmy Stewart. Well, seriously. Yeah. I’m like, what the fuck? How did I, my wife’s like, all right, little cry baby. Give me, give me yours. We’ll just switch. And I flew some missions over here. I wanted to get bingo. My dog bingo.
We’re flying into the Himalayas, and I got a yutty finger. Let’s not go into that story now. Let’s not go into the story. Hey, I’m surprised. Well, you know, Clark Gable was in the war. A lot of people were in the war. Did you know Eddie Albert was a war hero? I believe it. Yeah, I believe it. James Doohan, war hero. Way back when, that was the thing to do. He was Canada, though. Canada. Yeah. That’s all right. I got fingers blowing off and shit. Yeah, I got fingers blowing off. Exactly. Yeah, he’s for real, man. He’s a real deal on you. He did some D-Day BS, man. He did. He did it all. He lost some digits. And so, you know, we wheel off the wife. You know, we start rolling around. We shoved in getting in the corner. Yeah, see? Yeah, see? And I was, like, all wiped out. I’m like, oh, man, I’m tired.
Inga, here’s some nylons and chocolate. Get out of here. And I’ve been, oh, I know, right? I’m like, because it’s like on two or three levels, and this place really is not made for wheelchairs. There’s like all these, like, bumps you got to go over when you go into different rooms. They’re like, bonk. Well, you know, war is hell, my friend. Yeah, I felt bad for my wife because every time it was like, bonk, bonk. Oh, my back. Bonk. Bonk. If I didn’t have to carry your father everywhere, I’d be okay. Yeah. And there’d be rooms like supposed to simulate like something with the floor. So the floor would not be like nice flat concrete. It’s kind of, you know, in uneven. I go, this really is not handicapped accessible. I don’t, I don’t know who they bribed or something, but I love the, uh, where you had to throw the live grenade into the hole and it came out by your feet. That was great. Yeah. I didn’t get to do that. Yeah. Okay. No, I was like,
I was so, I was so constipated during this trip. I go, I’m going to try to go to the bathroom. I just like, like, I’ll see you down with a gift shot. No, I couldn’t like hardly poop. Like only one time that I have like a decent poop. What do you mean? You poop like three times a day. I, I know. And I wasn’t doing it down there. I wasn’t like, like, like deer, you know, like deer. The humidity got to me. Except I, I did eat at cafe Dumont. And, uh, we went to that museum across the street and, uh, that’s where I got the poopies at. I’m like, Oh, great. Yeah. And I’m like, just shot right through you. Yeah. It loosened up everything. I’m like, Holy crap. And I was like, and I go, well, listen, I’ve got the map here. There’s a bathroom and I’m trying to find it. I go, I told my son, I’ll see you later. And I realized afterwards that that map is actually for two completely different buildings. Oh, really? Yeah.
So I was looking at the wrong building. I’m like, where the, this bathroom should be right here. Like, it’s like national treasure. Where’s the bathroom in this museum? I got to go poop. It’s a big museum. I know there’s like, not like the elevator’s broken. I have to go downstairs, you know, crunching the cheeks together. Like one day I was going to have like very loose bowel. It was like, Oh no. Oh no. Jimmy, help me. Jimmy. What, what, what, what? No, that wasn’t at the War Museum. Oh, okay. I don’t know. Well, Miles, I took a shit in my helmet when I arrived. That was not at the War Museum. I still couldn’t go at the War Museum. I tried and tried. And then I had to put it on because we took flack. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That’s the Jimmy Stewart story. So, yeah, that was like a false alarm. I’m like, oh,
false alarm? Holy moly. I thought i had to go, and i was like, no. No. See, that happened to me, too, because we were, like, on uh the streetcar. And I thought i felt there’s something coming out of the streetcar. I’m like, this thing is still the capacity. And what if i poop my pants, like, on the streetcar with all these people? Because I’m wearing, like, tan shorts. I go, what if i have, like, you know And luckily nothing happened, but I’m just like, oh. I spilled coffee from Cafe Du Monde on my butt. I didn’t poop my pants every once. And so, anyway, no, so let’s flashback. So the War Museum gets over with, and it was like closing time anyway. Because it was like the 4th of July. Well, it was the 4th of July. So we had to close it. Oh, shit on a firework. Yeah.
What, what, what, what? Bingo. And, uh, there’s some cool, like life-size statues around outside. Right. And of course you got to take your pictures by them and this and that, you know, doing goofy faces around Eisenhower, you know, something like that. And so we get back, you know, it gets over and the next day my son’s laughing. I go, okay, what’s, what’s so funny. He goes. Oh, I got funny pictures of you at the war museum. I hope you’re holding your butt together. I go, what did I? Yeah. I’m like, what funny pictures do you have that are so fun? So he’s got a picture of me. Like I’m almost looking lovingly at someone wearing a Nazi uniform. I’m like, Oh, I go, thanks a lot. You fricking jerk. I was not. I mean, just the look of it. Oh, you know, I look,
He reminded me of Dick Sean from Hitler. Yes. Oh, again. Yeah. Okay. General book. I’m like, thank don’t, I go never show anyone that picture. Will you please just delete that? But the worst, the worst is worse to come. Right. Oh no. Wait till you see this next one. I go, what’s this? He goes, you look like you’re checking out and Frank from behind. I’m like, what? What? The truth comes out. Why would you have this picture? Why? Why? Why? Oh, my God. I don’t know. You’re like, this work in bronze is pretty good. That’s terrible. What the fuck? How come Anne Frank’s butt’s more shiny than the rest of her? Yeah, right? Yeah, all these weirdos, yeah. Yeah. That’s great. I love the fact that you’re, you know. I was not, even though the picture kind of looks like it, I was not doing that. I’d like to be an entry in her diary. Oh, my God. I don’t know why. Why? Why does he have these pictures of me? I have no funny pictures of him.
Well, I have one funny one, but I can’t go into that. Oh, you can’t go into that? Yeah. You ogling Anne Frank. I was not ogling Anne Frank. By a Nazi, it’s no big deal. I know. I’m like looking down at his feet like, ooh. I don’t know. I just love a man in uniform. I love that rock. Oh, my God. I can’t believe you’re ogling Anne Frank. I was not ogling Anne Frank. The picture just looks like it, but I wasn’t. Pictures don’t lie, my friend. Pictures don’t lie. I guess. I don’t know. I don’t know, man. If only I was born a generation before. Well, at least it wasn’t Eisenhower, I guess. Who knows? Well, you’re into the older ones. Yeah, that’s true. True, true.
You like the older ones. Yeah. Well, thank you, baby Bo Cephas, my son. You post them. These were not Photoshopped. This is my actual father’s reaction. My dad acting inappropriately, you know. Oh, my God. I wish I could have been a Nazi in Indiana Jones. Yeah. Yeah. Well, that’s great. I’m glad that you met your jollies down at the World War II Museum. I guess. I don’t know. Pictures don’t lie, I guess. Well, thank goodness you didn’t poop on the streetcar. That’s all I got to say. All those people should have a sigh of relief given what could have happened. I know. That thing stops a lot, too. Good for you.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

You tell her to shut up. Goodness gracious. You’re so mean to people. I’m not mean. That’s being mean. I just said wave. That’s being mean. No, no. You told the lady to shut up. She doesn’t have no feelings. She’s like you. She has no feelings. Yeah. Oh my goodness. hey everyone, this is miles title with the static radio Podcast. Podcasting for over 25 years in the nude. What are you what are you drinking like a yogurt smoothie or something? I like to be edgy, you know me. Poor Ken. Look, he can’t even look at you. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Too low. Too low. Too low. He can’t even stand to listen to you. Sorry, man. My goodness. Well, welcome, everybody. Welcome, Ken, to the audience tonight. So nice to have you here. Thank you. It’s big news this week because this probably never happened in the whole time we’ve been recording.
is miles and i went on vacation at the same time. But not together. But not together. Well, never together yeah there’s no no there’s no way in hell i would go with you and your family. No, there’s no way. Oh yeah. It was interesting that it worked out that way. And then for a while i really thought i was going to see you in michigan and i was really dreading it. I lied. I said i was gonna be like stalking you and, Yeah. I went to Mackinac Island in Michigan and you’re like, I’m going to go to Mackinac in Michigan. Don’t you believe it? I’m like, Oh Christ. This is like a nightmare. Because I never told you where I was going. You’re like, oh, no. I found out the same way everybody else did from your nudie pictures that you post online. Come on. Get out of here. Come on. Pro tip for everybody. As I was traveling, there’s a place called Sweetwater, which is a
company that sells like musical instruments and you know cabling and headphones and anything that you can do for music right like studio equipment and it’s in Fort Wayne Indiana and they literally have a building that’s like a mall but it’s just one music place it’s all one big store and the pro tip is they have the best bathrooms that I’ve been in in a long time Honestly. I don’t care about i don’t know about the product, but man, their bathrooms are A1. The product has got to be great because this bathroom, it was like going into like, you know, a really super upscale restaurant or five-star hotel, this bathroom. So we stopped there and it’s literally like a mall. I mean, it’s the headquarters for Sweetwater, which I don’t know if you, I used to get their catalogs many years ago and now they’re all online, obviously, but, and they would have deals, you know, on keyboards and guitars and everything. And, and I’m like, Oh, and so we were traveling with my family and my daughter’s boyfriend’s like, Oh, if we’re going to be near Fort Wayne, can we stop at Sweetwater? And I’m like, yeah, sure. Why not? Right.
And so we’re driving through Fort Wayne. We got ourselves some lunch, although we could have had it at Sweetwater. They literally have like a restaurant inside the building. I mean, it’s like a mall. It’s crazy. No kidding. They had free video games and free pool. Yeah. And then, of course, so they want to look at everything. You know, I’m not that hip on it. So. my wife and I wander around the place and I’m like, you know, I could use, this is a good pit stop, you know? And she had, she had kind of torn off and went to the restroom before me. And she comes, I go, how’s the restroom. And she goes, is really, really nice. Oh. And I’m like, I’m like, let’s do a couple of laps to get this stuff working out of my belly.
Cause you know, I’m not, I don’t like to go dirty bath. You hate public bathrooms. I hate public bathrooms. And she’s like, I’m, she’s like, it was really nice. And I’m like, okay, this is the play that I’m going to, I’m going to, you know, I’m, I named this in honor of the queen, however you want to put it. I want to claim this land as my own. And, uh, I’m going to, you know, work up the gumption to use this restroom. So I go in there. Yeah. I got to describe this bathroom because it was so magnificent. I go in there and the stalls, it’s like, it’s almost totally enclosed. This is the most enclosed stall I’ve ever been. It’s not these metal partitions with the giant gaps that, you know, little children can crawl through. Right.
Literally, it looks like fake rock of some kind. It looks really nice, though. Not like janky or anything. And wooden door that goes… It’s way over… I’m over six foot tall, just a bit. It’s way taller than me. It’s probably like an eight foot door. Right? Wooden, heavy. You go in, you have this nice private bathroom. It’s all clean. It’s all self-cleaning and everything. And I’m telling you probably cause I, you know, and I can’t really let my bowels loose when I travel too much. Right. This was the, it was luxurious. Right. I relax. You’re like pooping in a closet or something. It was, it was, it was, yeah, it was, it was like, it was like pooping in the sound booth. And I recorded a song.
And I recorded a little ditty. And that was part of the experience was, you know, our bathrooms are so acoustically sound. You can record a song in them. Oh, it was great. And I come out of there and my wife was laughing at me because I’m like, that is the, I go, I told everybody in the group, I go, if you got to go, this is the place. I just burned it up in there. So if anyone wants to smell that. You got to go, right? So the funny thing was my daughter had made up this, I don’t know what you’d call it, but so if you had to go to the bathroom rather than being crude like I just was, she’d go, I’m going to do some construction work. So I come out of the bathroom, I go, I just did some major construction work here. And I suggest everyone does. We’re going to shut down the highway. I usually say I got to see a man about a dog.
Right. Well, whatever works. But I’m telling you, if you were in Fort Wayne, Indiana, find Sweetwater. It is the best bathroom in Fort Wayne. I can’t believe there would be any better publicly than at the Sweetwater Plaza or whatever they call themselves. Yeah. So another quick story here. So our final destination was Mackinac Island, but we stayed in Mackinac City, which is, oddly enough, not on the island. Okay. You take the boat over. Because staying on the island was like, you know, maybe you could afford it, but I’m not going to pay that kind of money. Astronomical, I’m sure. It’s crazy. There’s a place called the Grand Hotel, which is the nice place. $1,300 a night. through the Grand Hotel. That’s why I won’t go back because that hotel. Yeah. It’s, and literally it’s so expensive. So I’m like, I’m not doing that. So we stayed on the on the I guess it would be the southern Peninsula, the lower peninsula’s coast between you know, Lake Huron and Lake Michigan and stayed there, but they have a lighthouse there. So we did the lighthouse I do love a good lighthouse. Right.
Oh, you love lighthouses. A couple of things happened at the lighthouse. The lighthouse was filled with very nice people who were very, very interested in lighthouses. Obsessed with lighthouses. To the point that it was a little scary because they were dressed up in the garb of a lighthouse keeper. Oh, yeah. Like reenactors, right? Yeah, right. So we had this very nice young man who obviously had got a book when he was like, just old enough to read about lighthouses and he’s never let it go. Going on and on about lighthouses, you know, waxing poetically. It was Willem Dafoe. That’s right. Yeah. No, Robert Pattinson. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And he was like, You know, the lighthouse this and the lighthouse that and the lighthouse did this and then the lighthouse. And he’s like, you know, and he goes, since this wasn’t, you know, this is a really old lighthouse because it’s, you know, signal because it’s very shallow water right there, right there off of the coastline of the lake. It’s only like four feet deep until you get pretty far out into the lake and it drops, gets lower, right? Run aground. And I mean, there’s a bunch of shipwrecks up there and so forth.
They put this lighthouse up there, but it’s like they didn’t have a fog horn. Okay. Because it does get foggy. They had a fog whistle. Oh. I don’t know if you know the difference. No, I didn’t know that. The fog horn is kind of that. Yeah. The fog whistle is literally like a steam whistle on a steam engine, and it goes. Right, right. So he proceeds to tell us all about the fog whistle and why they have a fog whistle instead of a fog horn and all this good stuff. And he’s like, now we’re going to blow the fog whistle. Everything. This is an ultimate event for this guy is he’s going to blow the fog whistle. And he proceeds to, out of his pocket, bring out this remote. Oh.
Right. He is the keeper of the button for the fog whistle. Bluetooth. Yeah. Well, I don’t know what it was, but it was some kind of remote. It looked like a gray box with a button on it and an antenna. And so he goes, you know, so he goes, now it’s going to be really loud, you know, so everybody wants to put their hands, their fingers in their ears. And he goes, but, you know, the beach area is Public. And then there’s a little fence where the lighthouse is and he goes, but we don’t, uh, you know, we don’t want to scare everybody. So I’m going to announce that we’re going to blow the fog whistle so that people aren’t caught off guard okay there’s people out there. There’s a few people. Oh yeah. Yeah. So then he proceeds to turn, turn towards the beach and he goes sound in the fog whistle. Everyone’s like, what
He turns a little bit. I mean, it was like Michael Jackson was sounding the fog whistle. And then he proceeds to then put earplugs in and hit the button and it makes this huge noise. It was the lamest attempt to warn anybody. Literally, no one… They’re probably like, why is that guy whispering over there with all those people looking at him? What? Yeah, it was… He didn’t yell. He was just speaking it. I thought you had a microphone or something. No. It’d be like he’s talking to you next to him. Hey, Mayo’s sounding a fog whistle. All right. Yeah, it was weird. And he throws a fog whistle. It was cool and everything. And then… the weird thing was my, as he was giving his speech and everything, they’re like, why do you think that they put the fog whistle against the wall? And then my wife pipes in and goes, cause it’ll set, it’ll carry further. He’s like, like she got it right. And she goes, well, I have a PhD in lighthouses and he believed her. Oh, he was going to ask to marry her or something. In love with you.
Yeah, he kind of looked at her like Bugs Bunny looked at the girl Bugs Bunny. But anyway, he was just kind of an odd character. But the rest of the trip… The rest of the trip, we’re going… Sounding the fog whistle. I heard some bullshit degrees, but that’s got to be one of them, man. Right now. Straight up, man. So yeah, we kept joking every time something was happening would be sounding the fog whistle because this poor guy. He’s busted a nut. Yeah, he busted a nut. The second story that would have been even better to this one was my brother-in-law took a picture of the light part of the lighthouse. And there was this ghost there. There was only a couple people working.
We’re like, what the heck? I think he got a picture of a ghost. Then we finally went and we asked the lady in the gift shop. She’s like, oh no, that’s Irving. He just stands up there. We blew our ghost story. He does have a PhD. He does have a PhD in lighthouses. My wife is ingratiating herself on all the reenactments. Yeah. All proud of herself. Sounded the fog whistle. Yeah. The fog whistle eventually devolved into people farting. Oh, of course. Of course. Yeah. So how did your vacation go? Well, it’s funny. We went to the two extremes. You went up there, close to the Canadian border, right? Yep. And I went down to New Orleans with my family. Really? New Orleans? How fantastic. And if I could tell my two quick stories, son. Okay. So, all right. So we stopped at a mall.
and, uh, very up, up, uh, up, you know, I want to say upscale. Yeah. It was a hard word, honey. Okay. It’s upscale. Yes. Thank you. Shut up. Yes. And, um, all right. So everyone’s tired. You’re sitting down. We’re hot. We just came in there to get the AC and I’m bored. I’m, you know, I have ADD. AC. That’s what you stopped for. Well, yeah, we were, it was pretty hot that It was pretty hot. We had just gotten off a steamboat thing and it was hot. Oh, okay. So this is actually, you are down in New Orleans. You’re not like just traveling at this point. No, we, yeah, we’re just seeing all this stuff there. There’s the sea, you know, this and that, this and that. We jump in there and my oldest son and I go for a brief walk and we walk past a kiosk. Mm-hmm.
And, uh, so there’s kind of this short, uh, Latina girl, woman, woman, and, uh, very easy on the eyes. And she goes, Hey, I’d like to give you a free sample of, uh, this face cream. And, uh, if you, if you see miles, his face, you know, yeah, I look 20 years older or something. It was like a tube tooth. No, it would be like if someone handed you a wrapped condom. I don’t know why she would think I’d be a good candidate for this. Next thing I know, she goes, come here, follow me. I’m like, what? come here, sit down. And of course you do. Cause you’re, you have no will whatsoever. Yes. Yes. It’s like Aubrey Plaza telling me to sit down, like sit down. Yeah. I’m like, okay. Next thing I know she’s putting like goo underneath my left eye. Right. And she’s working. I was already there. Yeah. Something about Mary. And, uh, she started working it in. She goes, Ooh, yeah.
How do you like that? Oh, right. Yeah. Okay. All right. Rub on your face randomly. Yes. Um, she goes, close your eyes, close your eyes. And she’s literally like four inches from my face doing this. I’m like, oh, okay. I don’t know where this is going, but I’m like, okay. And then she whips out this fan. Forehead doesn’t mean anything, but yeah. Yeah. She was out this little fan. That was a little geisha fan. She’s like waving my face. What was that? She goes, what’s your name? Miles. Where are you from? Somewhere. She started to engage my son and he uses a fake name that I use with him. She’s like, what’s your name? He goes, Juan Triccio. She goes, your name’s Juan Triccio. He goes, yes. What’s your name?
That made me laugh. It’s just a name I made up for him once. I just called him Montrequio. I don’t know why. I just thought it was funny. Montrequio. She’s trying to get the stuff. She goes, look in the mirror now. Look in the mirror. You see that? You know what? You could use this with your daily routine. I bet you have. I’m like, oh yeah, I have a daily routine. Is she looking at you? Yeah, you’ve seen my face. What a horrible train wreck I am. I look like I’m 80 years old at this point. He goes, you really need this. And this box right here is only $600. Wow. Repeating. So you know what this means? Only $600. You’re ugly rich. I’m like, this better come with a handy. Yeah, right.
I just better come with a handy and some weird stuff afterwards. Cause man, I’m telling you, there’s no way, there’s no way, you know? And so, yeah, I’m trying to get out of there. You look rich. That’s the crazy thing. I know. I, well, you know, sometimes people are like the nicest cars are like the ugliest people you’ve ever seen. But anyway, no, no, she’s just trying to, you know, she just, the hard sell comes out. Well, it’s only $600. Only pocket change for you. Big guy. I, I podcast, so I have no money. You know that now. And, uh, so my son, thank God. He’s like, Oh, I think I hear mom calling daddy. We have to leave. I’m like, okay. And, uh, she was pissed. Like she puts her hands on her hips and she’s pissed now. Cause she’s just wasted like $35 on that. Eyeball yours. It looks like hell. And now my, I, my, cause I have like really big bags under my eyes though.
And so one like is completely gone almost. The other one is still there. So I look like some kind of freak. Right. I was like, I’ve had a stroke or something. And I go, let’s go. And we walk away from her, like away from my family. And I go, this stuff is starting to burn my face. I’m like, what did she do? What did she put on my face? I’m like, I don’t even know. Now you ask that question after she got her tits out of your way and then you’re going to go. Yeah, I know. I mean, well, I wasn’t going to argue with it. I’ll be honest with you. So I’m like, I’m in, I go, I’m too embarrassed to walk past her again. I cannot face this woman again. You should say, wait, do the other eye. Well, no, she wanted me to, she wanted me to stay there. She was going to do the other one. I’m like, no, I got to leave. I got to go. It was like 40 year old virgin where he’s getting,
and waxed. And he’s like, that’s it. I’m done. I’m done. And so I made my son go here. Yeah. Like, I always had like this, you know, thing, like this look of surprise, like, Ooh, and, um, I actually made my son walk out the mall, the fire into the mall with me. So we’ve actually walked outside of the mall or seeing this woman to get in the heat. And we actually walked around this mall. So we didn’t have to face this woman again. I’m like, Oh my God, I can’t face her. I can’t face her, you know, April lead, lead gate, right. Wasn’t their name April lead gate. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do in the day. Is it still burn? No, it went, I’m still ugly again. So yeah, it went away. When you pee. Yeah. No, thank God. No, it did not. So, uh, okay. So, uh, that’s story number one. And then,
Quick story number two, you know, you sign up for all these crazy things to do. There’s a ton of stuff to do there. I recommend going. And one of the things is a nighttime walking tour, like a, was it ghost vampires or something or whatever the hell it was. Right. Oh, you mean something like that or whatever it was. And, uh, they’re all, you know, different tours, you know, perverts and peekaboo artists and stuff and perverts. I don’t know. And so you meet at some bar. That’s what they were saying. Hey, winker, what are you doing? So it seems like a good idea. So my wife’s like, well, we’ve been Ubering. She goes, I’m going to drive down there. I’m like, okay, I don’t care. She goes, well, the bar we need to meet is only two blocks away from where we’re parking. I’m like, oh, okay. No, it seems like it’s like eight miles away to this bar. I’m like, oh, my. It’s like the Bataan Death March. I’m like, what?
It was Christ. You just walked around the whole mall for Christ’s sake. Well, I was tired. Yeah, I was tired, right? You know, everyone’s getting high. I mean, everyone in New Orleans smokes marijuana like it’s the last days. I mean, it’s like a lot of marijuana. A lot of pot going on. Which, you know, if you do partake, that’s fine. I don’t, you know, I’m not one of those people. But anyway, to give the story. So we get this woman. there’s probably about a dozen people in our group and it is a walking tour it’s very humid muggy, you know, and so you stop, she tells a little story for a few minutes and you go to another place there’s probably about half a dozen stops. Right. Yeah. And, uh, so we get to, uh, what would be the last stop. So two things happen there. So number one is there’s a gentleman, uh, and unfortunately,
as a sign of our times, there are a lot of folks that are outside sitting on the curb and yeah. Home. Well, I know I didn’t want to use that term. The unhoused. The unhoused. The unhoused. And I have unfortunate souls and I feel bad for them, you know, but anyway. Yeah. So there’s a gentleman across the street at this, uh, former church and he’s kind of listening in. He’s kind of reclined, you know, pants, but no shirt, just kind of watching it, you know, and, She goes into some kind of ghost and vampire story. The thing is, if you were there, you’d be the guy with the shirt and no pants. Yeah, I know, right? Yeah. That’s me. It’s a very long story. She goes into it. Anyway, this guy stands up and he starts inching in a little bit closer. She gets done. She goes, well, hi. Oh, hi. Well, you have something to say?
He goes, yeah, this is blasphemy, man. You’re telling these people all sorts of bullshit, man. This is bullshit. That shit ain’t true. You know that. She’s like, thank you. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Thank you. She dismisses him and then his buddy shows up with a couple of, you know, 40s and they, you know, are knocking him out. Yeah, he was having none of this. None of the vampires, none of it, none of it, none of it. She’s like, Ray, if you would only get in with the program, you could be one of these people as well, giving tours. Oh, I know, right? If there’s money involved, I’ll believe in anything, to quote Ernie Hudson. To finish up the story, she’s like, well, that’s our tour. Thank you. Now, we’re in a part of town. We don’t have any idea where we’re at. It’s night out. Yeah. She’s like, well, see ya.
I’m like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, where’s the bar? I mean, where did we start off at? She goes, well, go there and then turn left and go right and turn left and go right. Yeah. Oh, great. So she just dumped you in the middle of New Orleans. Yeah, at night. At night. You know, which, I mean, we didn’t have any problems. Reckless backer, another $20 a person, sir. Yeah. Across the street. Yeah, we still have the homeless person that you like to call him with his buddy now. They’re drinking. Oh, yeah. I’m the only person that calls people homeless. Yeah, so now we start the second Bataan death march. I’m like, oh, my God. I could not take it. I’m like, oh, my God. We finally got out of the car. I go, never again. I’m not going on one of these stupid walking tours again. Oh, yeah.
talking about and when we do two days later, we go right in the middle of the day to a cemetery tour. I’m like, oh God, why? That was the middle of the day though, right? Yeah, that was hot too but i was hot in true it was too hot for no i would you know honestly it was very overcast the whole time we were there, pretty much. My tootsies hurt my i could my shoes were the wrong size, I think. I don’t know what i was doing. No, I was having pain. It took me from the comfort of my Airbnb and left me in the middle of Norland. I was having back pains that was radiating into my groin area to the place where I felt like… That’s from the stuff that you got put on your eye. Yeah, I know. Yeah, all right. No, I felt like… I told my wife, I go, I feel like someone kicked me in the right nut. I’m like, oh my God, I’m having all this fucking pain. She goes…
If only, if only someone would kick you in the right nut. Yeah. She’s like, well, hold on. May the left one will, you know, atrophy and something. I just about paid that homeless guy, the bullshit homeless guy, $5 to do it. Bullshit. That’s some bullshit. That’s funny. They just dumped you in the middle of everything. And the cemetery guy did the same thing though. Really? They didn’t wrap you back around? No. He’s like, oh, well, I’ll see ya. I’m like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He goes, well, cross the street and turn right. And there’s your car. I’m like, okay. Okay. All right. I mean, he didn’t dump us as bad as the, like the lady two nights before, but yeah, he, he just ends it like, okay, well done. See ya. I’m at my destination. I don’t know where you’re going. Yeah. I’m like, well, my car’s right there. So I’ll see you guys later. We got that. I remember we had to wait, get into the cemetery.
one of them. We went to a few i think i think they wrapped us actually they let they wrapped us back around to another place, and we were by the voodoo shop or whatever we went in there. Yeah, no, we weren’t by nothing. We’re like, what the hell? Where are we at you know 10 10 o’clock at night or whatever it was or nine o’clock it was like yeah they’re scary people yelling at you, saying bullshit I know. I was scared. I was scared. That was the scariest part of the tour. This guy yelling bullshit to this lady. Bullshit! Half of my face looks spectacular and the other half doesn’t. I’m vulnerable. One side you look like George Clooney and the other side you look like George Costanza. George Costanza, yeah. It’s a tale of two Georges right on your face.
oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, exactly. Well, that’s why you have google maps and you can click on the walk thing and then it tells you where to go. Well, had i known. Had I known how to work technology. That’s how we got back but yeah hey shut up. No one asked you. Shut up. I’ll just follow.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

uh Hey everyone, this is Miles with Static. That was an odd way to introduce yourself. You could be like on one of those Netflix serial killer shows. I do watch a lot of those. I’m sure you do. I don’t understand the appeal of that. My wife watches those things. And I’ll be busy doing something else and I’ll come by and I’ll be like, what are you watching? I’m with this guy in Ohio who killed a bunch of people for no reason and buried them. I’m like, what is this? What’s the entertainment value in that? Can you explain that to me? Between that and a Hallmark movie, I will watch the serial killer movie. I’m waiting for the Candace Cameron Burr Murders the Neighborhood Hallmark Christmas film and then I’ll be satiated. It’ll be fantastic. It’s like everything’s happening. Don’t talk to me about Kirk. I know he’s a weirdo. There’s so many of them. I mean, there’s just
oodles and oodles of these things on the streaming service. When did they make all these? Have they only been made in the last two years or something? It’s just crazy. No, it’s been going on. They’ve been making these. Have they? I just don’t watch them. It’s just weird. I find myself, if I sit down, I’ll be totally watching it and being like, what happened? Yeah. Some things I don’t watch. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think that everybody pertains to everyone. Some things we don’t watch. Yes. I started watching this thing. My wife was watching this thing about people that have like left the Amish religion or something. And they have different segments. And I’m like, I don’t really, you know, I feel creepy watching this. I’m not watching this. I’m not watching this. This is too weird, man. That’s too weird. Why would you, what would,
Why would you feel creepy about watching that? Because the girl has John Elway teeth, these big chiclet teeth. It’s so distracting. I cannot watch this. I cannot watch this. I grew up Amish, and now I’m into porn. No, thank God. No one wants to see that. Nothing against Amish. I’m sure they’re very nice people. Yeah, they call me the Yoder Choder. Ha ha ha! Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t want to watch that. There’s some things I just don’t watch. That’s weird. Yeah, I don’t understand any of those shows. I get enthralled in them. I get enthralled when I sit down and start watching. I’ll be like, wow, what happened here? I sometimes, you know, I’m like, eh, you know. Shouldn’t there be a background check for anyone buying a large farm when they don’t farm? Right, yeah. It seemed like there was a timeline and it looked like it was very easy to kill people and get away with it.
You know, it was called the seventies. Yeah. Yeah. Well, no, like this, like this lady’s brother goes missing and they’re like, oh, well, we don’t look for anyone over the age of six. She’s like, are you serious? Like, Hey, you’re, and this is in the thing, but she goes, well, yeah, the detective was like, well, he’s probably drunk with a horse somewhere. So, yeah. Oh yeah. We knew him. He was always whoring around. I’m like, who is this? Like Danny DeVito from It’s Always Sunny? I like whores and banging whores. I’m just like, God dang, there had to be some window of Gacy or something just getting away with all this crap. And then you’re like, God damn. I can see why now. They finally catch the killer and they’re like, why did you keep killing? Oh, nobody stopped by to talk to me. They didn’t ask. No one told them. Yeah, no one told me I could.
So I just kept doing it. Stop it. I just kept doing it. And like, you know, no one told me it was wrong. Now I know it’s wrong. It’s wrong. I know now. Well, it’s like one guy was out in like long Island or something. Like he was done with people like girls on a beach or something or whatever it was. And they had a description of what the car was. This guy was like this huge, like Shrek, like giant dude. And everyone knew this guy, but no one ever turned them in. They like, well, I never suspected it was Ronald. i never did. He always says hi. He always said yeah you know he’s got a, you know, lime green bronco and he’s nine foot tall and, you know, it’s a complete description. And like the neighbors, I had no idea. I mean, he was really weird, but i don’t know. That’s weird, man. That is weird. I, but i didn’t i never uh
Well, I say I don’t watch it, but then I will watch for a while and then I’ll be like, I got to go finish what I’m doing here. And then I get up and go at the end of the episode. No, I always wait for the end of the episode. But then I end up going off and doing something else. But yeah, and there’s all different ones. I mean, it’s just this barrage of murder. Or like there’s this guy out. somewhere, this was a long time ago, but he kidnaps this girl like twice, brainwashes her. She’s only like 12 or 14. They get married in Mexico. I’m like, Jesus. And he’s like blackmailing her family and they’re like letting him like, okay, well just don’t get too nuts now. Don’t go too crazy with this. You can get married in Mexico, but nothing more. No more than that. All right. Well, like, no, it’s weird was like the dude had actually had relationships
with the kids mom and dad separately what yes it was the most bizarre story because they were like in some religion, which i won’t go into, but. Okay. Yeah. Like he works on the mom. She finally gives him like, well, all right. Yes. I’ll do it with you. What the hell? Yeah. It’s supposed to be a power. Like, uh, you know, I screwed around with dad Yeah, right? He’s cruising around with the dad, and he’s like, man, man, it’s been a while. Now, I hate to… I go, man, this is weird. Since we’re on the topic, I have a slight confession to make. Oh, man, here we go. I don’t want to hear this. I didn’t know where she was going. No, no, no. You’ll want to hear it. As soon as I say it, you’ll be all interested. I have personally interacted with a victim who’s been on one of these shows. They did not die. A very famous victim in the last 15, 20 years. I believe I know who you’re talking about. I will not mention the person’s name, but yes.
No, I mean, I had conversations and, you know, yeah. And they seemed very nice. But the weird thing was, this is so sad, I shouldn’t even mention this, but they were a very nice person, but you can tell that they were still traumatized to this day from this experience. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to laugh. I don’t mean to laugh. No, I mean, it’s horrible. I know this person will do some horrible stuff. Yeah, really horrible stuff. And here I am talking to them and I’m like, you can just tell. You’re all Barbara Walters with this person. If you were a Tweety, what Tweety would you be? What kind of Tweety would you be? She’d be like, why am I talking to this
Yeah. This whole thing. And now I’m talking to a weirdo. Yeah. I’m like, I just escaped a guy like this. I now meet another one. It’s exactly the same thing, but without the facial hair. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. I don’t have any of the facial hair going on. No, she was so nervous and like chain smoked like constantly. And, um, Yeah. I mean, like constantly smoking, like I gotta go, I gotta go get a smoke and then coming back. Yeah. It was, uh, you walk up behind her and yell boo. And she’s like, now, unfortunately this is not the only person. This is probably the most famous person that I’ve interacted with, but it’s not the only person I’ve interacted with. That’s, uh, had issues like that. So, yeah. Right. Right. That’s terrible. Yeah. Uh, yeah.
It was weird. It was weird. It had a total weird vibe all the way around. Yeah. How strange, right? But… Now I’m trying to think. I had a story coming my way. You know a story now that everyone’s tuning off at this point. I was so freaking depressed. Like, oh my God, these poor people. Are you talking about my wrestling coach? They’re molested and everything. And now I’m going to talk to Bob and Miles and social manner. It’s horrible. You don’t want to talk to us if you’ve got issues. Yeah, really. Keep it to yourself. I had to recently hail storms in the not too distant past. I recently had a guy come out because Like all my neighbors are getting a new roof. Oh, neighbor-itis. Neighbor-itis. So I called the guy to come take a look. And I’m like, hey, do you think we have any hail damage? Because, you know, all the neighbors are, I mean, literally, there’s like all these crews around us putting roofs on houses. And so he goes, yeah, you know, you got some. Christopher Walken came out.
yeah, you got some hail. And so I’m like, okay, so we, we call the insurance people and send out a guy to take a, because you know, the guy I call cannot be trusted because he’s just wanting to sell a roof. Right. So they call out their own guy. And so he shows up here the other day and, I was told about it. We were all prepared, kind of. And the next thing I know, I wake up. I’m supposed to wake up early so that I’m ready for this guy. Because for whatever reason, in my household, I am the face. I’m the one that has to talk to anybody who is coming here to do anything. I don’t know why this is… I don’t know who made the rule and how I got, you know, what meeting I missed and got stuck with short straw here. You are the lurch of the family. Yeah, that’s right. Any type of a workman or, you know, the mailman comes to the door, any of that kind of stuff. They’re like, Bob, you go, you know, you’re first in line to get shot or something. Yeah. Yeah. If you get murdered, we can run away. I watch all these murder shows and the door gets it first.
We’ll be in the documentary talking about you. That’s right. We’ll be, you know, in the blurred background. It was so, it was a sad day. He disappeared. He went to answer the door for this guy who was going to look at the roof. All we could find was his Crocs. All that was left was a really worn pair of sandals. So I go, I, everybody’s doing something, I guess I get, I’ve, I’ve, Wake up, and I’m like, I’ve totally forgotten about this. And I’m walking to go take a leak because I just woke up. And as I’m walking, I see out the window this truck pull up. And I’m like, oh, shit. It’s the roof guy. I’ve literally just rolled out of bed. And I got to pee really bad. So I go pee on him.
because I have to, there’s no stopping that at this point. Right. You’re old. Yeah. I’ve made it close enough to the bathroom where it’s like a tractor beam. It’s like, you got to go in there. You’re like 72. I mean, if you don’t go in there at this point, you’re just going to pee yourself. I know he’s going to be at the door like any second. So I run out to the door and then he’s not at the door. Right. He’s still sitting in his truck. So then I had to put shoes on, and I walk all the way out to his truck, and I think I scared him. I think he was playing on his phone or something because it was pretty early in the morning. It was before 8 o’clock. And all he had on was his shoes. He’s like, oh, God. Oh, God. Yeah, I sleep in the buff. Yeah. All I got is my sandals on.
Now, I walk out, and I think I scared the guy. He goes, oh, hey, hey. You know, hey, buddy. Hey, you’re an inning. I didn’t want to ring your doorbell this early. I was going to wait a little bit, you know. I’m coming out. I’m a little early. You’re probably surfing porn on your phone. I’m like, you’re the roof guy, right? He’s like, yeah. I go, so what’s going on? They always ask you what’s going on. I’m like, didn’t we fill out paperwork? Anyway. I didn’t read it. I go, I have not been on the roof. I always have to preface it with what I don’t know. But I had a guy come check and there is probably some hail damage. And he goes, where at? And I told him everything. And then I proceeded. I go, the only thing I can really show you that I know for sure is I have some dents in my car. Literally, like somebody hit it with a golf ball or something.
And I showed him that and he’s like, Oh, okay. And like, he’s like, I don’t, you know, I’m not giving you an estimate on the car. I’m like, I’m not, I’m not asking you. I’m just showing you that this guy did the same day. Ah, there we go. Do cars. Yeah. Yeah. He was giving me, I think he, I wasn’t lying that I was doing wanting to claim the car. I was like trying to show him that this is, I can tell you that there was hail because, look, I have all these dents that are mystery dents on my car. And so then he goes, okay. He goes, well, I’ll probably be about half an hour. I’m going to get up on your roof and look around and take some pictures and everything. I said, fine, great. Whenever you’re done, just come ring the doorbell, you know, and we’ll talk. And so I wanted to be ready by the time he showed up, and obviously I didn’t.
make it. So I go inside, I see my wife and i go, he’s gonna be i go he’s gonna be at least 20 minutes i’m gonna run and take a shower and then i’ll come back and talk to him. Okay. So I get up, I go right out of the shower. You come out of the shower there he is on the ladder looking no That would have been even worse. But, yeah, no, he wasn’t. So then I get in the shower, and, you know, I’m doing my shower duties. And then I come out of the shower. Yeah, that’s what I call it, too. Yeah, my shower duties. Less than 15 minutes, I’m out of the shower. I come downstairs, and my wife’s all mad at me. She’s like, 20 minutes, huh? I’m like, what? Mm-hmm.
He’s still out there, right? I still see the truck. She’s like, two minutes after you left this room, he rang the doorbell because he needed something. I wasn’t interacting with the repair guy. You’re the door guy, man. I know. I’m the door guy. I put her in harm’s way because I wasn’t there. I could have been murdered. Yeah, I could have been abducted. And I’m like, I’m sorry. He told me a half an hour. I just figured I had a good 20 minutes, right? That’s a 10-minute buffer. And so then she’s like, well, you get that door when he’s done. Was she Ted Knight? Yeah. So I go, no problem. I’m all done. I’m ready to go here. So then he comes and
finally comes to the door and gives me the report, you know, the good and the bad and everything and and so forth. But I had a really hard time uh talking to him because he looked just like ron weasley from harry Potter. Oh, God. He was this young, red-haired kid, right? I mean, you know, he wasn’t a kid. I don’t want no ginger up on my roof, all right? It wasn’t He wasn’t a child. He was like if Ron was as old as he is today. And yeah, I’m talking to him and he’s telling me all this stuff and all I can think of is Ron Weasley when he gets the letter that yells at him. And I so badly wanted to say, does anybody tell you you look like Ron Weasley? But I didn’t. In a sexual way.
I got a goal. I got a goal. Yeah, really. So, but he was a really nice guy. And your name, sir? Hermione. Yeah. Okay. I got a goal now. I got a goal. I can see us together in the future. Yeah. Yeah. Other than, you know, I wasn’t there to be, you know, first victim for the family. let me throw my cloak. I’ll be Snape. Hold on. Yeah. But yeah, it was weird because he did have a look like Rupert Grint from the Harry Potter movies, which, you know, it’s just, I mean, you know, I so wanted to ask, I’m like, does anybody tell you, I’m sure they do because he really, you know, it’s like, are you, are you studying for a part or something where you’re going to be a roof inspector?
So it was weird. Are you talking about porn, sir? Is that what you’re talking about? Or what are you talking about? I’m sure on the other side, he’s thinking, when I met this guy this morning, he looked disheveled. And then now he’s got wet hair. He looks like that guy in that documentary my wife was watching about that reconciliation killer out in Ohio. Yeah, that’s what he looks like. guy’s stuffing people in his crawl space. Yeah, eating their ears and shit. So I’m sure on both sides of this whole uh situation we were both uh very confused of each other’s uh situations yeah yeah it sounds like it but anyway i i had uh i had ron weasley inspect my roof. I’ll be up there in a flash. Yeah. And then my, when he, after I come down out of the shower, my, my son was up and he’s like, is this guy going to be walking around the fucking roof all day long? Oh, wow. Yeah. His mother, his mother. Wow. Man, language. Wow. Yeah. Cause he was, he was walking up and back and forth on the roof and, but he’d only been there a little while. I mean, he probably, he just got up himself. So,
Yeah. You do not mess with the Lament family, okay? For anyone, luckily enough to get close to their house, I would not mess with them. Do not touch anything. Only speak when you’re spoken to. That’s right. There will be order. Exactly. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah. It was a banner morning here at the Lament household. Man. Wow, that’s weird. Anything with you? You got anything? Yeah, I do. I do. I got something, yeah. Let’s hear it. How about that? How about that? Thank you, Bob, for the introduction. Hi, Bob. Good evening, ladies and germs. This is the undead comic, Bob Dope. I’m auditioning for Bob Lament’s new solo podcast, Lament Tonight, or as I say, Lament Puts Me to Sleep at Night. Oh, good one. You’re doing some shtick. It’s the podcast with ED Issues. He only gets it up once a month. So far, he’s had two shows featuring two comics. The first was Suresh. He did a bit where people like to mispronounce his name. I didn’t know there was another way to say average. The second comedian was Pablo Lewin.
He bombed so hard that I thought he’d been thrown out of a B-52. Speaking of the B-52s, Bob loves 80s music. He can’t tell the difference between East End Boys and West End Girls. Bob likes to ask a thought-provoking question in the middle of his show. The next question should be, when does this podcast get funny? Okay. That’s all I had. Oh, that’s all you got? That was pretty good. Yeah, I know. I just When are you going to come on the show? I’ve got to get more than half of a sheet of paper with jokes. We like to have about three to five minutes. I’ve got about 30 seconds there. Just like your love life. Yeah, 30 seconds. No, I don’t know why. 30 seconds to Mars. There you go.
No, I was driving to work. I was just doing that stupid Bob Hope boy thing. I can’t do Bob Hope. But I don’t know. It was stupid. It was stupid. It didn’t work. Well, hey, thanks for the plug. The next Lament Tonight, I think, is on July 17th. Yeah, once a month. If you’d like to tune in. And I would love to have you on, Miles, but you’re always busy whenever I ask you for these other Other projects you may have going on, you’re always like, I’m like, hey, you want to join me? No. No. No. You’re like, no, I’m busy. No, someday I will. I haven’t actually listened to the Pablos one. No, Siraj actually was very funny. No, he was very funny. He did a Trump impersonation. Yeah, no, he’s a funny guy. I give it to him. He could get up and do some stand-up and stuff. He does? I think.
No, I guess he does. Well, there’s an open invitation. All right. If I get more than about two paragraphs, you know, written down, then I will do this. This is just, you know. Yeah. I didn’t really practice it, you know, but it’s not easy. Delivery was good. You’re good. Yeah. No, it’s all original jokes. I mean, I just wrote it myself. Yeah. Original like Bob Hope. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah, you know. I steal jokes a lot, but I didn’t steal any of these. I just kept going. I just kept going with it. You had a rhythm. I had a little rhythm. I was hoping it would go longer, but that’s okay. It’s about taking chances. That’s what all your girlfriends do. Yeah, they’re like, well, I’ll take a chance on Miles, but I don’t know. Good thing he’s got tight underwear. Miles, don’t worry about the condom because you won’t need it.
No, I don’t mean that. I mean, absolutely nothing’s going to happen. I’m like, oh, okay. Yeah, that’s why they called you premature. Yeah. That was your high school nickname. Hey, premature. What are you talking about? Premature, that was college. That was last night. That was last night, matter of fact. Goodness gracious. Goodness, yes. I only have two children by accident. Nice. Somebody sat in the wrong spot. That’s terrible. You’ve lightened the mood from serial killers and traumatized victims to Harry Potter characters doing roof inspections to Miles Title doing 30 seconds of stand-up. That could be a thing for you. 30 seconds with Miles. There you go. Someone has invited me up on stage, but I’m like, I don’t know. Yeah, you should do it. I just don’t want to use stolen stuff, though. It’s so easy. No one will know where I’m stealing this from. It doesn’t matter. Come on. I know. I won’t be like Carlos Mencina or whatever his name is. Mencina. You stole my stuff. I mean, if it’s direct, it’s not plagiarism if you paraphrase. So there you go. Okay. When you’re writing a theme song,
Uh, paper. If you paraphrase, you’re all good. It’s whenever you do it verbatim, that’s the problem. Yeah. Yeah. I see. Yeah. So this was all paraphrased. So you’re all good. Yeah. All right. Well, you know, I, if i can get more rules, English rules, that’s what happens i’ll have to ask pablo about this. He knows about writing jokes and stuff. Well, he’s yeah. You can send him a note. I’m sure he’ll be happy to talk to you. Maybe. Yeah. No, he likes me. He was, uh, did a roast battle with the Tim man at the comedy store in Los Angeles recently. Yeah. And he won, I think, or something. And he, yeah, he won by the three hairs across the top of his head. Yeah. Yeah. No, he’s funny. He’s funny. I like him. Oh, good. I did go up against him once I lost actually. Yeah. But I mean, you got to try more than once. That’s the, but, uh, well, that’s,
Yeah, my whole dating life. You’ve got to try more than once now. You can’t just, you know. Okay, you need to take everything in your life, everything that you think about doing, rather than applying it to women, apply it to masturbation, and you will be a success. Okay, okay. You’ve never given up on that. No, you’re right. I can’t beat it. Well, you can, and you do. Yeah, but I’m saying you can’t. Why you’re successful. Think about your self-love practices and then apply that to your problems. My life was so horrible growing up. I mean, I should have tons of material. I mean, I should have like tons of material. Yeah. You run around naked. Yeah. Well, there was that. There was that. All right. Well, watch for Miles Hope.
Yeah. On Lament Tonight. And Lament Tonight, Bob’s new solo podcast. It’s already aired twice now. He’s going to have a July show coming up. A July one coming up, yeah. And I’m sure it’ll be… I’m just a creative person. No, that’s good. No, that’s good. I had an idea and I’m applying that idea. So there you go. Why not? Go with it, you know. There you go. Go with it. Go with it. Mmm.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Hey everybody, this is Miles. It was like kind of a non-tune there. Hey everybody, this is Miles. There’s something weird about it. It’s a little weird. A little odd. So what was the cat eating tonight? What was your cat having? I’m actually still feeding cats. Oh, okay. Well, what is it? Little, I don’t know, food, no. Little friskies. Whatever it is, I don’t know. Meaty patay. Wasn’t that your name in college? Meaty patay? Meaty patay, yes. Now it’s just called fat liver disease. Yes, you’re kind of a… Meaty patay. All that. I got to bring my wife, her marital aid here. Okay. Here’s your egg on a string. Way on down south. Are the cats okay? Everybody’s doing good? I got cats done. I still have to do dogs. That’s okay. We can still go. We can go. That’s okay. God forbid I get in the way of your household chores that you wait until the middle of the night to do. A lot of people write in and say, hey, Miles, could you just bring us into your day? You sound like a really cool guy.
We love to hear about you feeding animals. If I could talk to the animals. Unfortunately, we do call you Doolittle, but not because of you feeding the animals. Because I like to read. That’s why. Your nickname there has something to do with something. Something from something. Don’t worry. Go ahead. Well, speaking of animals, I’m going to be ridiculed for even mentioning this. I’ll tell my story and then I’ll tell you why I’m being ridiculed. How’s that? I had to go in the office the other day and I always get this choice parking spot near the dumpster. Now he’s gone. So I guess I’ll just continue because he’s just gone. He hit a button with his, I think his nipple was erect. Perhaps Miles’ nipple was erect and he pushed the button and jumped off the show. So that’s what happens whenever, you know, it’s 100 degrees outside and you’ve got your air conditioner cranked.
And then you get hard nipples and you’re a little sweaty and you end up turning off your phone or at least closing the window that you had. So there you go. Oh, there he is. He’s back now. Did you wipe off your sweaty nipples? Yeah. Yes, I’m okay now. I told everybody you bent over. with your sweaty erect nipple and jumped out of the show. Are you okay now? Yeah, I’m just doing some duties here. Oh, now you’re doing more stuff. Oh my God. What the? No, I’m not done. I disconnected actually trying to feed these fucking dogs. So I was saying, I got this choice parking spot by the dumpster. You know, I come pulling in like Dan Tana in Vegas, you know, and slide into my choice spot by the dumpster. Nobody’s going to know this reference at all. I know. That’s why I made it. Yeah. As I’m kind of gathering my things to get out of the car, I look up and, you know, the dumpster’s got those plastic flaps that don’t really cover anything.
most of the opening but not all of it so in the middle you can kind of see into the dumpster and i look and there’s two squirrels like playing with the dumpster yeah right they’re like running around on top of the garbage playing around inside the dumpster and this one squirrel comes through the little opening pops out. Yeah. He’s got a whole tortilla in his hand. Yeah. Yeah. I don’t know why there’s a tortilla in the dumpster. That’s weird. Let alone one that’s actually whole. It’s like a whole tortilla that’s never been eaten. And, I mean, this guy, he’s like, jackpot! I mean, you can just read it on his face. Yeah. Yeah. And then the other squirrel is still squirreling around inside the dumpster, I guess looking for another tortilla is my guess. And he comes and he jumps down off the dumpster and kind of heads off into the mild wilderness that we have there. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I’m like, and so then I get home and I’m like, you won’t believe what I saw today. Yeah.
In search of. This is Leonard Nimoy. That’s right. That’s right. The St. Louis squirrel. Says it exists. That’s right. Dumpster diving in the city. And so then I tell my wife and my son, I’m like, I saw this squirrel jump out of the dumpster with a tortilla. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They’re waiting for the punchline, right? They’re like, okay. They’re like, okay. And my son goes, he’s like, dad, all of your stories for static have devolved into you watching animals do things. He goes, this is going to be your story, isn’t it? I go, well, yeah. How many times have you seen a squirrel with a whole tortilla shoot out of a dumpster? Yeah, I’ve been excited. You need to be around more people. Oh, Father. You used to talk about interesting things, and now you just talk about foxes and squirrels and
and deer you’re like the jack hannah of, uh, podcasting now. I swear. Yeah. Wild and crazy animals. St. Louis city where we see a squirrel with a tortilla all right all right no one moved no he’s moving he’s moving look i’m gonna try to get a shot of him. Put a picture. i was prepared enough i took a picture of the squirrel with a tortilla. He’s a beaut. That’s a good that’s the best hell that’s that’s like a fajita tortilla. So my son made me feel horrible that i’ve devolved into just talking about the animals so You know, this could be like a children’s book for you. Really, this could be a good stepping up for you. Oh, yeah, the squirrel and the tortilla. Exactly, yeah. Aquila and the tortilla. Yeah, what’s he going to, is he going to use it as an umbrella? Is he going to eat it? You know, is he going to stuff it full of nuts? Hey, fella, are you going to use that as an umbrella? I can see it now. Yeah, you’re going to be like a Dr. Seuss or something with this whole thing. Yeah.
Because, you know, they have, you know, if you give a mouse a cookie, if you give a mouse a muffin. Right. If you give a squirrel a tortilla. Mm-hmm. Well, I thought it was fascinating. And now I’ve been shamed into never telling another wild animal story. Shut your effing mouth. Now, little does my wife know, but I, you know, grew up. listening to… Animal Stories. Animal Stories with good old Uncle Larry. Oh, you had to. You had to listen to that. That was an awesome show. Awesome show. Tommy, out of St. Louis, we got a squirrel. Yeah. Is that okay? Apparently. He’s making an acorn burrito. A chimichanga. I heard Chipotle is hiring squirrels. He’s going to have a chorizo next week. So, yeah. So, but I was just like, it was the most besides just pull up, boom, you know, squirrel with tortilla right in front of me. And I’m like, Oh my God. I was, I went there early. So I was first one on the lot. So there you go.
I dreamt I saw a squirrel. That’s right. This tortilla was as big as a squirrel. This is what amazes me, right? This is not like some kind of giant squirrel or some kind of mini tortilla, you know what I mean? Right. How you could not enjoy this is beyond me. I don’t know. You know, sometimes the simplest stories are the best, you know? Yeah, I didn’t see what he did with it. I mean… Yeah. Maybe he didn’t share it with the other squirrel who was still searching for a tortilla behind him. He should have taken it home to his nest and made it into a bed or something. It’d be like a nice soft bed. A real nice blanket. Yeah, he’d be like… Imagine smelling tortilla all night. Yeah. It was the flour tortilla, I’m pretty sure. I was close enough. I went up and asked him, and he told me…
You know when you get the question when you go to some Mexican restaurant, corn or flour? Yeah, I’m pretty sure. Yeah, he was doing… So yeah, he was like for the whole week with that. I mean, hell, he could nibble on that thing for hours. You didn’t whip out your phone like, I’ve got to get this quick. Yeah, I did. I took my phone. I’m like, I’ve got to get a picture of this. America’s Funniest. And then I had to show and then, you know, I get the Oh, I see. Yeah. That’s all right. That’s all right. I’m in for the old folks home. Me and Bingo were driving. You’re going to be buying that kooky bird feeder that sticks to your window. I have one of those. Yeah.
It didn’t stick very well, though, so it’s like thrown in the garbage. Oh, my gosh. You know, they have one now that comes with a built-in camera. I go, oh, this has got Babelman written all over it. I would love to have that one, yeah. Oh, this is your Christmas gift. I can see it already. Catch a bird in the act of eating. Holy shit, I just saw my brother-in-law’s cock again. Holy cow. Miles is going for the camera in the birdhouse. Yeah. Bow-chicka-bow-bow. You know it. That would be like your ringtone for whenever there’s a bird in the house. That’s what it is on your phone. Bow-chicka-bow-bow. All right. Let’s see what’s going on. These cardinals are really good at it. Brown chicken, brown cow. Ah. That’s what that’s called. That’s what that’s called.
So, yeah, anyway, so I was put in my place. Maybe from this point forward, not as many stories about random animals. Oh, I’m sorry. I’m going to go get my haircut. Yeah, I’m kind of sad to hear that because my story tonight. Is it about an animal? Well, no, yes and no. Yes and no. I don’t know. I’m a little of a wild man sometimes, I suppose. I like to go to the big box store and buy man stuff. What kind of man stuff are you buying? Plumbing stuff. You’re the least handy person that I know, I think. I know. I bought a snake and I freaking destroyed it trying to clear out the drain. Within seconds, I had ruined this thing. I’m like, son of a bitch. You’re like, now I can’t take it back. Yeah, I know. I know. There’s 20 bucks ruined. Oh, my God. Were you sneaking out a drain or something? Yeah, I had a bad drain. I was trying to be all cool like you and do it, and I couldn’t. Yeah, okay. Excuse me. Getting all choked up here. I said, you know, I’m feeling a little randy. I think I’m going to pick up some bird seed. Okay.
Because I’m a wild man, as you know. I like to get perched. I mean, I don’t get it often, but it’s not a big deal. McGillicuddy. I can see you snaking the drain. That’s why you’re broken. You’re a tramp. I’m just going to be slipping this into the drain hole. Usually, these big stores, people do not really go out of their way typically to you know, Hey, how you doing buddy? You need some help or, Oh yeah. You know, not customers. Yes. And I always bitch about this, you know, my, you know, well, maybe not to you, but I’m always like, Oh boy, you know, no one talked to me. Oh, well, dreams, dreams come true. Yeah. Can this thing be used on a human? My urethra is acting up on me. And, um,
All right, so anyway, I go get the bird food, and there’s all these choices. Of course, everything’s ridiculously priced. $40 for an eight-pound bag. I’m like, Jesus, man. We’ll grow this on the moon? Jesus. Why all of a sudden do you want to feed the birds? I just sometimes feed birds because I’m a wild man. I told you, I get wild. This isn’t one of those things where you’re going to lay out in your yard naked or anything, is it? I get the welding mask and I put like the bird, you know, like the hummingbird things in my face. Okay. I didn’t know. No, I go. So I, you know, obviously I’m not going to spend 20 bucks on, you know, all this bullshit. And, uh, even that 20 for some other bullshit. Yeah. Yeah. That’s my autograph and shit. And, uh, so I’m there just, I’m barely there. I’m looking like, okay, there’s an $8 choice.
It’s got my name on it. Okay. And out of my periphery, out of my periphery, cause I have good, good periphery. I see this like 20 year old dude, like be landing towards me like quickly. Yeah. I’m like, okay, what the fuck is this? Interesting. And so he’s got the vest on. Yeah. Hey, what are you up to? What are you doing? Looking at birdseed? Was he security? That’s what I thought. No, I thought maybe he thought I was stealing something. Oh, what are you doing there, buddy? When you walked in, did you have that big a bulge in your pants? It’s my snake. Yes. Yes. And no, I really thought it was security at first. Cause it’s just like, you completely be lined up to me. Like, Oh, what are you doing? You know? And I’m like, Oh, this is going to be weird. Okay. Oh, what are you doing? Oh yeah. I’m birdseed. Oh, birds. Huh? That’s what you’re up to. Huh? Yeah. Birdseed little birdseed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He goes, Oh, well, what about this one here? This $20 one? I’m like, what are you getting commissioned on this?
I’m like, what the fuck is this guy? Does he own the store personally? Is this Sam Walton? Jesus Christ. 20 questions about what I’m doing there, why I’m doing it. This is the one I prefer. I’m like, oh, okay. He’s a fellow birder. We’ve got the Autobahn Society showed up. Then how about poor old miles? Yeah. Poor eyesight apparently. Oh, cause I have that old book now. I look very, I look like 20 years older than I am. You know, I’m sure you poor old man, you poor old man. Yeah. I don’t know. You’re, you’re stooped over and you smell of urine. Yeah. Uh, yeah. So yeah, I’m dealing with his nitwit and I’m like, all right. Yeah. Well, I’m just going to get the cheap one, bud. Yeah. We’ll see you, huh? I’m going to get the cheap one. Did he like say, well, you know, this has got a 60% more millet. I know I was waiting for that. I’m like, oh, okay. Now he’s going to go into the hole. You know, this is why you should get the $20 bag. I’m not, I’m not doing it. Yeah. No.
We didn’t get that far. He just immediately disappears. He just got beamed up on the Enterprise or something. He’s gone. That’s what it was. Where the fuck did he go? I’m looking for a nuclear vessel. I go there and get all the crap I need. I’m like, okay, I’m going to check out. They have a do-it-yourself, but they still have people there like for whatever reason, like lounging around, you know, they bullshit with each other and, you know, right. And who, who’s up there, but Mr. Autobahn, you know, talking with the checkout girl. I’m like, Oh yeah, there you go. I’m like, I don’t want to get into another, you know, whole bird, you know, a thing with this kid again. Luckily they were just talking about the bird man right there at the bird man. He’s getting the $8 feed. Yeah. No, I didn’t even, luckily it was all like,
I was like, oh, look at my mismatched SpongeBob socks. I’m like, oh, okay. Okay, I think I’m getting this whole vibe now. This kid’s whole rap is, okay, this is all. This is one of those work programs for special kids. You know, I was thinking more and more, like every second I was close to this kid, I’m like, there’s something going on with this kid. There’s something going on with this kid. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with it. Like, Hey, are we related in some way? Yeah. I should have went off on his socks. You know, SpongeBob really, if you think about it is, uh, you know, parallels, you know, parallels the life of Christ. If you think about it, you know, I don’t know, but no, I don’t know. Yeah. The kid was weird, man. You’re going to bring Christ into SpongeBob. Okay.
I don’t know. I wanted to leave. I’m like, I just want to leave. I want to leave. I got my snake in my cheap bird seat. I’m out of here. Yeah, I’m trying to bring back our water jugs. Which drain were you snaking, can I ask? My tub. Oh. It was full of spunk. I was trying to get it unspunked. I was going to say hair, but okay. Well, hair, yeah. We’ll go with hair now. No, but I have like water jugs, you know, empty water jugs where we have a water thing at home. And, you know, the old lady’s making fun of me. You know, I could fill these up with a garden hose for cheaper. I’m like, yeah, you’re right on, Ethel. That’s good. That’s funny. I’m like, I got to get out of here. You’re going to get the cheap seed and you’re going to buy water? What’s wrong with you? Yeah.
I know, it’s like Hamble Lecter. I can tell by your empty water jugs and your deep sea that you’re not more than one generation away from poor white tracks. Exactly. I know, I just like, I gotta leave, Doctor. Do you smell of the lamb, Mr. Title? Yeah. You smell? What did he say to you? What did Mig say to you? He said he could smell my sunflower. I cannot. Nice. Oh, that’s great. So, yeah. You’re putting your place at the local Walmart, huh? Wow. Yeah, well, it was the local box store, let’s just say. Okay, well, whatever. It doesn’t really matter, but yeah. I know where you shop. It’s Walmart. Well, I go other places. You always go there. You’re there like every day. No, I don’t. I…
I go other places, too. Don’t worry. Don’t worry. I go out to get lunch. Sometimes. Sometimes. At the Casey’s gas station, I pick up something from one of the spiral glass cases. Oh, yeah, I know. Actually, my friend Dirty Dominic is working there now. I’m like, oh, jeez. At Casey’s? Yeah, I’m like, oh, my semi-racist friend. I’m like, oh, Jesus. Yeah, oh, that’s great. That’s great. I’m like, oh, that’s good. Hey, you want to scratch it with that? Yeah. Hey, man, can you set me up some scratchers? Hey, you want to scratch it? Yeah. I wouldn’t even try to tune in if it’s less than $10. Just give it to me. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I didn’t know he was working there. I’m like, hey, Dominic. And you just, you come in and there he is. You’re like, what are you going to do? Yeah, I know. I didn’t know. I mean, he’s older than me. I just figured, you know, he’s at home retired. He’s like, oh, no. I’d love to work at Decatur. They give me a free pizza at the end of the night if there’s any left. Yeah, I know. He’s always after me. I haven’t seen you in a long time, Miles. Yeah, I know. I know.
haven’t been showing up. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh. So did you, you were unsuccessful with the snake? Yeah. I, within seconds i had broken it. but no, you’re supposed to hook it up to your drill. You hook it up to a drill right yeah and then the far end is supposed to like twirl. Right. And, I’m doing this, and I realize, like, oh, shit, it’s twirling, like, as it’s attached to the drill. Right. Yeah. Like, the fire end is not moving at all. Like, the part that’s moving is what. Oh, okay. So within about 10 seconds, I had ruined this. Now it’s like an L shape. Like, oh, shit. Oh, no. You probably have a trap on your bathtub. So you have to get around the trap. I hired a guy and now he’s like, well, all your plumbing’s leaking though. I’m like, yeah. I wonder who did that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I mean, genius. Tell me who’d fricking, because it wasn’t before you got here. So yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. You’re having some lakes downstairs. Like, yeah, I bet I do that. Well, it looks like somebody took a snake and he was using it wrong. Yeah.
your snake isn’t right. Your snake is all. It wasn’t a goddamn mace. It looks like a you dick if you look at it oh i’m sorry i’m not i’m only laughing at your misfortune. I know. I’m blowing all this money. But you saved on seed. Yeah.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Welcome to show up whenever the fuck you want. Brought to you by Bob. Oh, you know, you are one. You are. Why were you late? You better explain to me why you were late. I was asked to be on another show when they were late. Oh, for fuck’s sakes. Jesus Christ. Somebody has got to promote this show. For fuck’s sakes. What bullshit show was this so I can make fun of it? It was called Scalarius. Oh, Christ. And it was about a comedy ghost show. Oh, God. What a waste. Jesus Christ. I had a great time, but unfortunately we ran a little bit late. And so I, uh, I texted you due to parameters, parameters, parameters, parameters, parameters. Do you show up late at work a lot? Do you just like show up whenever you want late at work? Do you, I know you do for Christ’s sake. If I added the amount of minutes that you made me wait, I don’t show up half an hour late. Oh, trust me.
Every week, folks, this guy is at least five minutes late. That is called fashionably late, okay? You are late late. I am fashionably late. You’re late late. You’re showing up. You’re like Madonna late. We can qualify this. Oh, okay. See, I knew there was some rationale. I was doing something for the show, and it ran a little long. Then you say, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, everyone. I did. I wrote you a note. I have to leave. No, you say it to them. You say it to them. You say it to them. I wanted them to finish their show, and so I stuck around and finished their show. Guys, I’m sorry. I have to go. I’m going to have a BM. I have to go. Thank you. I’m late. Thank you for ghosting comedy. You always blame your lateness on. I was taking a crap. I sometimes do take a crap. Yes, I do.
No, you do. That’s the horrible part. It helps me concentrate on the show. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. All right. Yeah. I go poop. Make it feel good. What do you got this week? Just throw it out there. I’m busy promoting. I’m busy hustling. Okay, I get it. What are you busy doing? I was… What were you doing today to help the show? I was researching a book I’m writing. You’re writing a book? Yeah. Good fucking luck with that. What’s it about? It’s called Ugly People Who Lip Sync on TikTok. Well, you probably know more about that than I give you credit. I do. I do. You watch a lot of TikTok. I do. I enjoy the TikTok. You love the ugly people. I do. I love the ugly people on TikTok. I love them. I love them. That’s going to be a book, but whatever. Yeah. I mean, it sounds more like a website.
Yeah. No, I don’t do websites. I write a book. I know. I write a book. I’m going to visually describe to you this ugly person lip syncing on TikTok in my book. There’s a lot of them. Full haircut, fat woman from New Jersey. Yeah. What’s love got to do with it? Yeah. Here we go. I get it. All right. Continue. This isn’t my part to talk. No, I said, go, let’s hear what you got to say. You’ve been, I have nothing to say. I have nothing to say all night on the show. I’m curious to hear what you have. I have nothing to say. I’ve, my timing has been thrown off. Oh, my timing has been thrown off. I choose not to run. Yeah. Okay.
I’ll just wait for your 10 minutes to be up then. Well, I’ll disconnect then. Oh, come on. You’re being such a baby. Jesus Christ. If anyone treats Miles like he treats them, they’re an idiot. Let’s hear your story. You obviously have a story you want to get into. Let’s go. No, no. I wanted to have you go first. As your boss, I’m telling you to go. First of all, You’re definitely not my boss. I am your boss. No, you’re not. Yes. I control you. Yeah. Okay. Everything you think and say, I control. Yeah. All right. I order you to go first. I need a raise. I order you to go first. So I had to go to the dentist today. To get my teeth cleaned. Your favorite dentist? Yeah, my Polish dentist, yeah. Yeah, I like this guy. I had a family, extended family member was my dentist, but he passed away, so I had to get a new dentist. I think I’ve talked about that. Yeah, I went to my Polish dentist. But I didn’t see him today because…
I don’t have anything wrong. They were just doing what I would term a teeth cleaning. Do you use that word? Yeah, it’s pretty normal. Yeah, that’s what I would call it. I’m like, oh, yeah, I’m going to go in for a teeth cleaning. I get there. I get in the chair. Nice young lady. Very nice young lady. And she goes, oh, you’re here today for maintenance. Your dental maintenance. I’m like, what? This sounds expensive. I don’t wear braces or anything. I think that might be called maintenance. I’m like, I’m just here for a cleaning. She’s like, yeah, dental maintenance. They’ve changed the words on me, so I was all confused. That’s how they get you. That’s how they charge you more money. I can see this. It’s all free. I get two
Apparently, I get two dental maintenance visits per year on my insurance. Oh, okay. I call it cleaning, right? It’s cleaning. Yeah. They’re scraping the shit off my teeth that is accumulated, the plaque. Oh, is this like a really young girl or an older? To me, everyone’s young at this point. I’ll be honest with you. Yeah. And so, yeah, she was young. I mean, she’s probably in her or maybe 30 at the most. I mean, she wasn’t that old. Yeah. So she’s very nice, you know, and i’m like, you know, they always, you know, flip you back like without notice. I’m just sitting, she’s like, okay, have a seat. She’s like, you know, doing the, telling me about the maintenance and, um, you know, getting me all situated, right. Putting the bib on, um, which i don’t know why they do. I mean,
I know why they do them. She used the bib more than I used to bib, to be honest with you. She was wiping, you know, her tools on my bib. And I thought that was for me. And then half the time she’s squirting me in the mouth with, you know, to rinse out and it’s running down the side of my mouth onto my back of my head. This is like some porn movie. I like some kind of porn. Yeah. That’s the book you should write. Not, TikTok. You have much more experience with the porn movie angle. Oh, I watched one once accidentally. Yeah. My friends made me watch it. Video store that has quite a lengthy backlog of your rentals. My dad used my car to rent porn. So that was not me telling everybody. No, that is a true story. That’s true. God rest his soul.
I get seated there and they push that button real quick on you and they flip you back. And I’m like, hold on a minute. I got to get my phone out of my pocket or it’s going to go flying onto the floor. So I take my glasses off and put my phone up on the counter, which I could barely reach. And she throws me back. So I’m laying down. And then I always have a severe problem I didn’t really think about it so much before, but now that I don’t really know the dentists and all the people involved, you know what I mean? I don’t know, uh, as well. I’m like, do I keep my eyes open or do I close my eyes? I close them. Yeah. That’s what I did. I think it’d be too creepy to watch them. Well, but I always, I’m cause I’m, you know, I’m overly paranoid.
You’re like, I wonder how he’s got like one eye kind of creeping open. You’re always hoping like it would get a boobie on your chin or something like, no, come on. I’m not you. That’s, that’s you. And this is part of the book right there. Part of that book. You’re right. Oh, come on. Let me talk to you about the assistance to dentists and hairdressers that put their boobs on your face. Come on. Um, So, yeah. So I’m, I’m like, uh, you know, I can’t, I try to keep my eyes shut, but then I kind of have to look around every once in a while to get my bearings and make sure there’s like not any agents sneaking up on me or something, whatever my mind’s got going on. And, um, so I’m sure that’s probably way creepier than either just leaving them open or leaving them closed, to be honest with you. Yeah. And then she’s got this, this light on her head, right? Like she’s wearing this, uh,
Spotlight. Oh, she’s splunking, yeah. Yeah, like she, yeah, exactly. Like she’s splunking. And it’s so freaking bright that it burns through my eye, my eyelids. Yeah. I could tell when she was like looking at my eye because this light was just like burning my retinas inside my eyelids, my closed eyelids. And so we’re going along and I’ll be honest with you you know I’m kind of proud. This is one of my best Uh, teeth cleaning, uh, outcomes, you know, they always give you the advice as they’re doing it. They’re like, I thought you were like all veneers or something, man. I do have veneers. Right. But that doesn’t matter for the back side yeah so do they have to do the front side with veneers or how does that work? Yeah. The front side, I got veneers on the front of my teeth. Yes. I’ll ask my hygienist. She’ll tell me. Well, I just told you.
Yeah, but you don’t really, you know, no, no. I don’t know. I know. So the backside still has the plaque, right? The front side. Oh yeah. I bet. Yeah. All the pizza crust. Right. Exactly. So she’s, you know, she’s working in there, but there’s not a lot of comments, right? You usually get the, the, the, yeah. And then they’re like, how often do you floss? You know what I mean? Stuff like that. A lot of. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know what I mean? They’re kind of, you know, you can kind of get the impression that they’re not pleased with your, you know, the job you’ve been doing on your team. No, my girl don’t do that. Oh, and then, you know, they ask about how often you floss, you know, and they’re like, ah, it’s kind of tough here. But this time, I didn’t get a lot of that, which was
Fantastic. I was like, oh, I’m doing better because i’ve been trying. Honestly, I’ve been trying to do better. It’s never going to be good enough in their eyes. You know that. Well, but i mean, I wasn’t getting the, you know, the kind of feedback where it’s like, do you floss your teeth? Do you floss at all you know stuff like that and then i’ll usually be honest. I’ll be like, no. Or more like, no You know, because I got shit in my mouth there. Did you have corned beef on St. Patrick’s Day? Because it’s still in your teeth. So she was very nice, but oh my God, she took that little mirror thing. And I swear to God, it was like, you know, trying to get a pineapple out of a butthole or something. She was stretching my mouth so far.
She was prying at my face. My mouth was sore because she was prying the sides over. I think I always lay there, lean back, thinking, am I opening my mouth wide enough? I always want to do a good job. Is this the way you like it? Yeah. And then she’s like, cranking on this mirror with the side of my mouth. And it’s like, God, I feel like a goddamn Billy Bass or something hanging up here. Yeah. Oh, you like it? Face, you know? And then that’s when the water’s running down the back of my head because she’s spraying it in there. Oh, my God. Yeah, you know, well, she’s like, she does, you know, you do the polishing and then you got to get the grit out. So then she’s spraying my face like with a garden hose or something. And she’s like, oh, the grit gone? So, yeah, I mean, it was quite…
It was a little more intense than it has been. But overall, and I asked, you know, what do you think? I always ask. If they don’t say something, I ask. And usually they say something, unfortunately. And this time she’s like, no, it looked pretty good. You had some plaque buildup on your bottom teeth, but that’s to be expected. And, you know, it looks like you’re doing well. And I didn’t see anything that was alarming. And I was like, great. And then she gave me a little toothpaste and a toothbrush and sent me on my merry way. And I set up my next maintenance appointment, as they call it now. But it was good. It was intense, but good. I don’t think that I’ve ever had this woman as my hygienist before. I don’t remember her. But that’s not unusual. I don’t remember a lot of people, so.
Elsa She-Wolf of the SS. Yeah, I could have had her every time now. And then if I said, I don’t know that I’ve ever met you, she’d be like, you were just here six months ago. I just cleaned your teeth, you ass. Why don’t you sit in my chair? Yeah, but I did not. Obviously, there was nothing of concern because she didn’t bring in my Polish dentist. Oh. Maybe if I had some concert or something, anyway. No, I heard him in the other room. I’m busy. I’m busy. Yeah, he has kind of a weird voice. So, yeah, I heard him in the other room. I was going to say hi, but I didn’t see him. He has kind of a weird voice. Well, it’s not like an accent, but he’s got, yeah, I mean, he’s kind of an interesting fella. Here we go.
but he, uh, yeah. And I’m like, okay, I must’ve been doing really good because sometimes he’ll come in and he’ll like poke around for two minutes and be like, yeah, we’re watching that. Or, you know, we’re looking at that or, you know, she wanted me to come take a look and it looks fine to me. Or, you know, Hey, you had roast beef last night. We want to tell you to start clearing that stuff out of there. Don’t bring it to the office, man. Did you have Chipotle? Yeah. Yeah. That’s what I thought. Exactly. Yeah. I mean, but it all went good and i felt good about myself because i’d you know, done a good job. Now, as you know, my wife has perfect teeth, right? I, my teeth are like, um, you know a train wreck those billy bob teeth that you can get at the that the menards i mean steve buscemi looks at your mouth and he’s like, damn, Jesus. It’s not quite that bad.
but I feel good because I time myself. That’s how I know if I’ve done well, because you can get out of there quickly. So when I sit down, I look at my phone and I see what time it is. And then I see what time it is when I leave. And the fact that you get in and out of there, it means that your teeth weren’t that bad. And she’s always like in and out of there, like within like 10 minutes or something. It’s crazy fast. I mean, she barely has time to sit down and get squirted and everything, you know, It only took me about 20 minutes today and I’m like, all right, I’m doing great. I’ve been in there for like 45 minutes sometimes. You’ve made this into some kind of science or something. You don’t do this? Is this something that’s unusual? No, I don’t. I’m going to put on my timer now on my phone and if it’s more than 20 minutes, I’m going to ask for a discount. You’re not trying to do better with your dental hygiene? They get what they get.
They don’t pass judgment. As you get older, Miles, these things may not last your lifetime, so you’ve got to take care of them so that they do. My teeth are probably better than yours. What’s the peanut gallery say back there? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Well, you didn’t suffer through bulimia like I did, so. No, we were rich. We didn’t have that shit. We didn’t have that shit. Yeah. Okay. But I just tried to do better. So, you know, that’s what I was trying to do. And apparently I did. So there you go. There you go. Wow. No, I’ve never really timed it out like that. Well, maybe you should. The next two times, you know, take a look at what time it is and see how fast you get out of there. And then you’ll know. Because I do go twice a year. Well, a lot of people, I mean, that’s part of insurance. Yeah, no, I’m not bragging. I always wondered. I go twice a year. I always wondered.
if like celebrities go more often. So their teeth look really nice. Oh, we got to go to a premiere tonight. I’m going to go get my teeth maintenance cleaned. I would love to get my teeth like super whitened. I would really, I don’t know. I think my teeth are gross. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, they’re better than what they were. They were really, I don’t know. We’ll talk about how white my teeth should be. Everybody gathered around with the samples to pick out my veneers. Chicklets. Chicklets. Chicklets. Yeah, me too. What’s going on with you? Besides the fact that you’re like, I got better teeth than you. I like my dentist. I grew up paying his money. We had a cool dentist growing up. He was a cool dude, man. He had the spit thing. I’m not going to tell you his name. He had the bowl? He had the bowl with the
the water that would circle around and you’d spit in, you’d get a big mouth of goo and then you’d spit it out. Yeah. And like the room had like a wallpaper that looked like it was like picture, like a giant picture of a Hawaii or something like palm trees. Okay. It was like seventies thing going on. Yeah. Oh yeah. And I mean, it stayed the same way the whole time. Like I was there. I took that picture. You believe me? I would believe him if he said it. I never really asked him about it, but it was all wallpaper. Somehow they blew up this picture and turned it into wallpaper. Then this is one of those guys that smacks his hygienist on the ass when they walk by. Hey, baby. This was actually a decent dude. Yeah, no, he was a decent dude. I really could not see him doing that, actually. Oh, slapping the ass? Okay. Yeah, he was a decent dude. I like my dentist now.
I like my current dentist. He’s very nice. He’s very nice. Okay. I like, I like them because I got kicked out of my last dentist. So I was going, so I missed some appointments apparently with the previous dentist. Okay. That has nothing to do with tonight. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. There are consequences. There are consequences in life. you didn’t send him a note and tell him I’m going to be alone. I missed them. Along the way, perhaps like I do oh no they were not happy they were not happy yeah sounds familiar yeah at least two places I’ve been kicked out of now. because I’ve skipped appointments okay well and it’s, you deserve it. Totally. I’ve tried to talk to my wife and my children. You’re going to be on the street, my friend, at some point. Yeah, probably. No one else to hustle. I know. The hustle will end someday. The hustle will end. Yeah, they were not very nice. They were like you. They were mean. They’re all like… Mr. Tidal, we have set
seven appointments and you have just not shown up and not mentioned anything. Didn’t send a note. No, I think you’re canceled. I think it was like a three strikes. You’re out schedule. No, I think it was like three strikes and you’re out over there. I’m like, Oh, my Dennis inundates you with reminders. Holy moly. Although there was one, a doctor we had for something else. He goes, if you miss it’s 50 bucks. There you go. How many times have you paid for nothing? Quite a few. No, I don’t know. I like my current place. Okay. They’re very laid back and they text you and email you and call you. They’re very nice. They let you know when it’s coming up. They basically hear me out in the waiting room. They just come out and they’re like,
They’re like, they squirt me in the face with the fluoride water and then give me a toothbrush and a little toothpaste and send me home. No, I get to know, I get, I have like the same person work on me all the time. So we’re all like, you know, I was asking about her family and stuff. How’s your fam? How’s the fam? She’s so nice. She’s so nice. I’ll never tell you about my proclivity towards women wearing white. You remember Barb from the library where you used to work? Yeah, Barb. She was so nice. I’m like, man, she’s like the nicest lady. I hope Barb’s doing well. She was a nice kid. Barb Dautre, yeah. She’s much older than a kid now. Yeah, I think you…
I think you asked her something very inappropriate once, now that I think about it, though. Are you sure that was me? I think you did, because it was a question I would not ask. Are you sure it wasn’t something that you asked, and you just pinned it on me? This is something I would never ask a woman, ever. I would be too embarrassed. The monthly visitor? Yeah. The raggin’. Yeah, you asked about her ragging. I think that question came up because you and I were talking about it. No, no, no. I’m too embarrassed to talk about those things. You’re like, ask her, ask her. And I go, I’m sure a person would not mind if this question was asked. I don’t like talking about menses. I know. That’s why I’m saying you’re like the little kid. I don’t want to. Can you ask about this? I don’t.
And I’m like, yeah, sure, whatever. But you’re also the guy who won’t go pick it up at the store, so… Am I right? Make sure I didn’t kick off there. All right. Bye-bye. Yeah, you’re still there. Yeah, you’re still there. Oh, okay. You’re the one who won’t go to the store and pick out anything for anybody, right? No. No. I think if I go back to the recordings, there’s one where you were kind of refusing to pick up some materials for anybody. I don’t want to. No, because… I don’t want to. And then women want to talk about it. I’m like, don’t talk about it. Why do I want to know? Why do I need to know? Well, I mean, it happens. And then it’s like, well, you guys talk about burping and farting and pooping. Yeah, that’s different. That’s like natural. Yeah, that’s natural. We don’t go into this conversation. We had a nice conversation with
with uh barb about this and she was very it was a little inappropriate don’t you think though wasn’t a little inappropriate probably but i think you’re the one that brought it up why would no i am way too shy there’s no way i would bring this up there’s no way you’re like ask her ask i’m like there are a few topics i will not approach and that’s one of them i would never say to a woman how much do you spend i’ll ask i don’t care whatever It was all your, no, it was all you. I don’t. There’s no, like, I’d be like, let’s talk about changing plugs tonight. And I’m like, no, I don’t. Why do I want to know? I didn’t say anything like that. I know that I didn’t. So I just, I don’t, I would. Yeah. That was one conversation I would not have with anybody, male or female. No. Oh, it was. I refuse. I will. We’re being had.
I, you, out of the blue, you had like, you would occasionally say something completely, uh, treacherous. You like, you know, I was just, I was just out to dinner with a friend and apparently this is more than an occasion that things like this happened to me. I was at the dinner with his wife and he’s like, you do this all the time. You just say crazy stuff. Yeah. You get comfortable and then you just say something that’s totally not, shouldn’t be said. I’m like, really? Yeah. Yeah. That is you. Yeah. And I’m like, I, I don’t think so. He’s like, oh yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. You’re always like that. This guy knows because he has some education. So yeah. Yeah. I’m glad people see through you. Yeah.
You don’t know that we have Dr. J, right? Yeah. This was Dr. J. Oh, Dr. D. Yeah, I broke bread with Dr. D. Yes, I did. No, this is a different one that you didn’t have lunch with. Oh, wait, there’s more than one Dr. D? Yeah. Oh. This is a different Dr. D. Oh. Yeah. Dr. D. Oh. He’s like, yeah. I hope he can help you out with your mental illness. That’s all I can hope for. So far, yeah. I had to say it, but as you get older too, these comments just pop in your head and you just say them. It’s like, oh, geez. True, true. It happens. I had to say it. It was like, damn, I’d watch it. Yeah, it’s going to happen. It’s going to happen more than maybe I want to. Yeah. Well, I’m glad you like your dentist and I’m glad that you got information on how women…
How much women spend on their monthly bill? Not even interested. Not even interested. Come in handy at some point.

This Week

Welcome to “LeMent Tonight,” where the host kicks off the show with a lively introduction, featuring guests like Pablo Lewin and Denise Medina. The evening includes humor and commentary on current societal issues, with Pablo delivering a comedic monologue that touches on themes of aging, societal frustrations, and absurdities in pop culture, such as the Titanic and the Golden Girls. The banter is filled with playful jabs and surreal anecdotes about his life experiences, including navigating protests and his humorous take on relationships. Denise joins in, sharing her comedic journey and upcoming shows, while also engaging in light-hearted exchanges about their personal lives and the entertainment industry. The episode culminates with a musical interlude before wrapping up, encouraging viewers to support the performers and enjoy their comedic offerings. Overall, the show blends humor with social commentary, creating an entertaining atmosphere for the audience.

Pablo Lewin

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, everybody, and welcome to Lament Tonight. So glad to have you here on this joyous evening with momentous things happening in the world. We’ve got Pablo Lewin coming up. We got in the audience tonight from Chi-Town. Denise Medina is here with us. Let’s start it off with our theme song from Gary Lime’s and the flea towns taken away Gary. All right, thanks, Gary. You are a great asshole. Thank you, Gary. I really appreciate that. I don’t know if everybody heard you, but he called me an asshole, which is great. Gary is not a big fan of being here tonight. He’s got regular gigs during the week, and so he usually likes to do that. And then this is kind of an extra thing that he got roped into because he’s in a rope program. So there you go. Pablo Lewis here tonight. Hey!
Yeah, Pablo, let me bring you up here on the stage. Let’s just get started. Let’s get into it, shall we? All right. I mean, let’s do something that everybody can enjoy, okay? I accept. I accept. Oh, my God. Look how big
am. I’m big and fat in real life. I’m big and fat here. I’m plausible. I mean, look, the way I look, I mean, Denise is crying. I mean, she is emotional about me coming here. I mean, look at her. I mean, she’s got crying eyes. But listen. Let’s do this, okay? I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression. Everywhere is going out of school. I don’t even know what I’m talking about. Just happy to be here. I’m an old man. I’m 65 years old, okay? My testosterone level is so low. Right now, I’m transitioning, okay? My pronouns, because everybody has pronouns, my pronouns are he needs Viagra.
And I do, intravenously. But anyway, I don’t have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It’s a depression. Everybody’s out of work or scared of losing their jobs. The dollar buys a nickel’s worth. Banks are going bust. Shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks, they’re running wild in the streets. There’s nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do with us. There’s no end to this. We all know the air is unfit to breathe and that food is unfit to eat. And we keep watching our TVs while some local newscaster tells us that today we have 15 homicides and 63 violent crimes as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We know things are bad. They’re worse than bad. They’re crazy. Like everything’s going out. I want you to get up.
Get up out of your chairs. Go to the window. Open and stick your heads out and yell, I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore. Come on, everybody. Get up. Come on. You’re watching me right now. The two or three people that are watching me right now masturbating. Stop masturbating. Get up out of your chairs. Go to the window. Open and stick your heads out and yell, I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore. Okay. Okay. Does anybody have any Prozac that I can use? Because anyway… What else can we talk about? I mean, there’s nothing going on in the world. I just came back. I’m a little tired. I came back from demonstrating in downtown Los Angeles. And, you know, I got a little teary-eyed because of the tear gas. Show us your bruises. Show us your bruises. I got bruises here. Look at this. Old man bruises here, here. But there’s a positive. You know, I was having tacos, street tacos.
And with a little tear gas in the tacos, tasty. Forget about Tapatio sauce. No tear gas in the tacos. It’s wonderful. And so anyway, I was celebrating freedom of speech and destroying all kinds of cars and everything else and and destroying the city. And why not? I got a little exercise. You know, it’s very important to. you know, in my, at my age, you know, 65, you gotta keep moving. You gotta keep moving. That’s why I kept running away from the cops. And, uh, you know, that was, that was great. And, uh, so yeah, I, uh, I did throw a couple of Molotov cocktails, but by Molotov cocktails, I meant, uh, uh, tequila with vodka and, uh, you know, a little, a little umbrella, you know, it’s very important. I kept throwing the umbrellas at the cops and they appreciated it. I mean, I think we made friends, uh, with a couple of the cops and, uh,
So that’s pretty much what I was doing. And what else can I tell you about? Golden, oh, those of you watching right now, if you’re young and you’re wondering when you’re going to realize you’re old, it happened to me last week. I was watching reruns of the Golden Girls, okay? Reruns, you know, those old ladies that live, you know, by themselves in there. Most kids, not kids, most young men would go, I would never fuck them, but I went like, whoa, look at those bitches. I’d like to get a piece of that. And by that, I meant Sophia, the grandma. Holy shit. I mean, she’s so small. She’s a spinner. You know, a little WD-40, boom, we’re having a party. And most guys watching a three-hour tour, you know, Gilligan’s Island, you know, they want to fuck Marianne and they want to fuck, you know, the movie star or the chimp. You know, it depends. It’s up to you. It’s up to you.
Not me. I want Mrs. Howell. Mrs. Howell, she’s old and she’s thankful. She’s thankful she got a lot of money. I mean, you know, cougar me. But now that I think about it, I’m probably older than she was when she was on the island. And explain something to me. Three hour tour from Honolulu. Three hour tour. Let’s say a 20 knots maximum that a ship can do that 60 miles, 70 miles out. That’s Lanai. They’re a bunch of islands. How can they get lost for seven years? I think they just voluntarily wanted to stay away from people. One thing that I never understood, they were on that island, three beautiful women and four guys, potent guys, and nobody ever got pregnant. Not even the chimp. How did that happen? Tell me how that happened. It’s bullshit. It’s
Bullshit. Just like the movie Titanic. The movie Titanic, the worst freaking movie i’ve ever seen in my life. All the women love it. Oh, Jack. Oh, jackie you’re so romantic what does he do? He just screws that girl in the cargo compartment and she leaves the richest guy in the world. That never happens in real life. Never happened. Never happened to me and i’m not rich. But I mean, come on i’ll i’ll screw him in there in the cargo compartment. And then when they go in the water, remember when they go in the water and they found this floating door, floating door, and then they both try to get on and they can’t because she’s too fat. But anyway, they can’t, they can’t get on the door. So,
Jack, the nice guy, he lets her get on the door. And by the way, there was a deleted scene there. I don’t know if you knew that. When she gets on the door, there’s a knock on the door. She opens it. It was a Jehovah’s Witness saying, have you found Jesus? Have you found Jesus? And she closes out that bitch. Why did she close the door? You know, it’s a beautiful thing. You know, Jesus was right there. And anyway, the iceberg. Oh, don’t get me started on the iceberg, okay? The iceberg killed the Titanic. Now, listen to this. Iceberg. That’s kind of a Jew-y name, isn’t it? That’s kind of a Jew, just like me, a Jew bastard. Okay. And what does it do? It’s obviously that the Jew killed the Titanic people. It was the Jews. They control the oceans. That’s it. That’s all there is to it. Anyway, what else do you want me to talk about? I quit drinking. I quit drinking 30 days ago. Thank you.
booze and he’s boozy. Franzia is upset by that right there. Oh, she’s upset. I quit drinking. Thank you. I appreciate it. Milk! Milk! I quit drinking milk, okay? Because I’m lactose intolerant. I get explosive diarrhea all over the place. So I can’t even screw women with big boobs because I get a rash. And by the way, I don’t want to have… Most men like big boobs. I don’t understand that. To me, as a scientist that I am, I say… big boobs have a lot of mass. When they’re moving up and down, when you’re screwing them and they’re moving up and down, when they’re in sync, that’s okay. But if those boobs go out of sync, if they start hitting you, I go, oh, stop it, honey. Oh, no, that nipple, it took my eye out. It’s terrible. So please, if any woman, any chuckle fuckers want to screw me after the show, please, make sure you don’t have big boobs, okay? Yeah.
anyway chuckle yeah that’s why you got most young men and women. They get into the show business deal because they want to be famous. They want to have the best choice of, uh, you know, sitcoms and fox and not me. I’m 65 years old. Okay. I’m happy when i have a good bowel movement. Okay. That’s what i’m happy. And, that and the only thing i want to do, you know, cameo, Bob, you know the the oh yeah cameo.com you know the old Uh, I think I’m on there somewhere. You’re there. Okay. I was using the old washed out, uh, uh, performance. They don’t want to anymore. They, they said happy birthday while they’re sitting on the toilet, taking a dump. Okay. They never shaved. They don’t even read. Uh, yeah, yeah. Um, I’m, uh, the number 15, uh, uh, Star Trek, uh, red, red, uh, uh,
you know, and I was in episode 1555. Happy birthday. Oh, let me, let me flush the toilet first. And they get 50, a hundred bucks. That’s bullshit, Bob. It’s bullshit. And I want it. I want it. Maybe you could be, you know, a Newman clone for Seinfeld. Maybe. Oh yeah. Everybody says that. I look like Wayne Knight, except the way night now lost a lot of weight. I don’t know what happened. Oh really? Well, yeah. I’m fat Newman. Yeah, Fat Newman. I can have one of those dinosaurs eat me in the Jeep. That’s great. Remember that from that movie? You got spit on first. Jurassic Park, or as I call it, it’s the place where I usually go pick up women. Jurassic women. Holy shit. I mean, usually the women that I date now, I don’t date them. I carbon date them, okay? I mean…
I see how many rings they have in their pussies. I go, oh, okay, you’re about the right age for me. I can get in there, honey. Holy cow, being old. Oh, man, I hate it. And then I went to the doctor. I went to my doctor. He says, I got good news. And then I have bad news. I go, oh, no. Okay, give me the good news. Well, the good news is that your hemorrhoids are shrinking. I go, fantastic. And what’s the bad news? Well, the bad news is that your hemorrhoids are still bigger than your dick. And by the way, Preparation H goes in the back, not in the front, you idiot. I don’t read the directions. I don’t read the directions. I should read the directions, but I don’t, especially with Preparation H. I thought Preparation H was motion lotion. I tried it once, and this woman, it didn’t work. It didn’t work. I shrunk. Actually, I’m hung like a horse. Denise, I’m sorry I have to say this, but…
I I’m really hung like a horse, a horse radish, a seahorse, a horse flies. Let’s face it. My, my life is horse shit. Okay. And I’m going to die pretty soon. 65, what? Four more years, five more years of usable life at most, at most. And everybody’s going to be happy. And, uh, then nobody’s going to remember me. And so it’s great. That’s great. Because who would want to remember me? Um, uh, Even though I’m still kind of chubby, look at me, kind of chubby. I’m being kind. I’m being kind to myself. I’m a fat bastard, okay? Thank you. Thank you, Denise. Denise agrees. You know what that proves? She sells donuts. Denise, that proves that your eyesight, it’s perfect. Yeah, he’s a fat bastard. Look at that piece of shit. But I lost 40 pounds a year ago. I started this…
protein-only diet, and I lost 40 pounds. Thank you. Would you like to know how I feel about it? I’m hungry! I’m hungry, okay? I don’t eat anything except proteins. No carbs, no sugar, nothing. None of the fun stuff. I’m constipated most of the time. I’m shedding bricks, literally. You see this back here? This wall right here? That’s me. That’s about 30 days worth of my shit. It’s kind of smelly, but these are good bricks. Actually, I could build a nice house. Okay, enough. Do you guys want to have a conversation, perhaps? Well, actually, hey, fantastic. Thank you very much, Pablo Lewin,
I can go on for an hour of vacuous, complete stupid stuff. Pablo, we have to take a break for a quick commercial. Hold on, and we’ll be right back. Here we go.
of the same old entertainment?
PLAUZZABLE.COM presents Heckler’s Kung Fu, the hilarious interactive show where you heckle the martial arts master. Will your witty remarks break their concentration? Find out now. Search Heckler’s Kung Fu on Plausible.com. It’s outrageously fun. That’s right. Heckler’s Kung Fu. Outrageously fun. Every other week, right? And Denise, she’s the co-host. She’s there at Heckler’s Kung Fu. There you go. I will have to add that to the ad there, Denise. Thank you. Absolutely. Before we get started, I think Gary’s got a song he’s going to play us real quick, and then we’ll come back and we’re going to talk to Pablo Lewin, and we’ll loop in Denise as well. Take it away, Gary. Take it away, Gary. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Gary, those guys are really in sync. I don’t know how they work. Is it wrong that I got sexually aroused by listening to Gary? Gary would take it as a compliment. Okay, good. I think Gary’s into anyone. Whatever you can bring. I’m into sheep. I’m into sheep. Gary’s very small. I have a girlfriend. Her name is Lola. She’s sheep. She goes, Pablo.
I’m sorry. I’m getting a Woody just thinking about her. Calm down a little bit. I don’t have a way to censor you. I don’t have a blue dot or a black bar or anything for you. So Pablo, what’s happening? What’s going on with Pablo in Pablo’s world, as it were? Well, believe it or not, I’m getting booked all over the place, which means that most people haven’t seen my act. There are Desperate! People are desperate for entertainment of any kind, and that’s why i get hired. And that’s why you’re here tonight, apparently. Everybody’s desperate for entertainment. Yes, obviously, not only did you go to the bottom of the barrel, but you actually lifted the barrel, and you dug about 100 feet deep, and that’s where you found me so so don’t tell me like where you come you’re gonna be at the uh comedy uh well uh by the way, we have a winner
We have a roast battle winner right here present with us. And she was judged by none other than the Roastmaster General, who loved her. Jeff, what’s his name, that Jew boy? Jeff Ross.
Ross. Oh, Jeff Ross, really? Yeah. And Matt Reif, right? Matt Reif, yeah, my very first time doing a live roast battle. Wow. Wow. unanimous uh votes by all the uh comedians and the roast master general and matt Rife, who was there for his first time um yeah i got six votes unanimous the audience i i won the battle and uh my first time live rose battling was at the freaking comedy Store. That’s wild. Yeah, so i i i’m going to be there on the 17th I’m going to roast that uber white guy, Tim Mann, super comedian, super funny comedian. But he kind of looks like a Gestapo guy, and I’m Jewish. So that’s a perfect combination. Yeah, there you go. You got two sides of a coin there, right? Yeah, two sides of a coin. Absolutely. I think, what was that movie recently that had Hugh Grant as kind of the bad guy? Hugh Grant? I’m picking up, I’m fucking a granny.
What was it called? Insidious or something? Anyway, I think of Tim Mann as kind of the American Hugh Grant a little bit. Yes. He looked very British, patrician. I really honestly think so. Absolutely. I think he could be easily. So you’re getting booked, Pablo. Things are going well for you. Yeah, I just got booked online by Casey McNeil. Just send me a message telling me that it’s going to be online. I don’t know. It’s all… What’s that? K.O. Comedy. K.O. Comedy, yes. And then a rabbi that does comedy for some reason just contacted me and he wants me to do comedy. So I’m going to do Palestinian comedy there with the rabbi and… You’re going to kind of like devil’s advocate a little bit, or what is going on with that Palestinian comedy? Explain that to me a little bit there. Well, I’m going to start yelling free Palestine, free Palestine, because after all, I’m Jewish, and if it’s free, I’ll take it. I thought you were going to be Greta Thunberg or whatever her name is. Oh, Greta Thunberg. If I were 20 years younger, I’d still be older than I could be. She looks like
She looks like she’s 12 years old. You can’t attack that little girl because she looks so frail. So I don’t think it would be good to attack her. I think she’s got Gary Coleman syndrome. Even though she’s a twat, I wouldn’t attack her. Tell us how you really feel, Pablo. Well, I think Israel did wrong by sending her back to Sweden in economy class. I think I should have given her at least business class. I mean, they took a picture of her. She was like, oh, no. I did all this. I was six months on a small, smelly boat with all these people, and now I’m going at least business class. Or a cruise. How about booking her a cruise to Greece? That would be nice, wouldn’t it? What’s that, Denise? I’m sorry. She should have taken a Greyhound. She should have.
I guess they have a connecting bridge somewhere to Sweden, don’t they? You can get up there some way. Well, yeah, they have to go to Lebanon through Hezbollah. But they have to call them, and they don’t have beepers anymore. Something happened to their beepers. Pagers. Interesting. So, yeah, they could have gone that way and visited with all the people that she loves and respects. And so, anyway, I’m not going to say anything about her because, like I said, she looks like… Oh, no, other than calling her a twat, other than that, yeah. I mean, once you say that, what more do you need to say? Absolutely. But that was a clinical scientific description. It was not meant as an insult. I don’t know. Is twat in the textbooks at all? I don’t know. I don’t think so. That’s a very good question. You know what? I wish I had an AI assistant, I’d ask. Well, you know what? I mean, this calls for…
asking my real girlfriend, Chad, what is the definition of a twat? Is that a scientific definition? Well, it’s definitely not a scientific term. It’s a slang word that can be used as an insult, mostly in British English, and is definitely not a polite one. Oh, okay. Well, then, never mind. She’s not. But it’s true. Yeah, but it’s true. It’s absolutely true. But it’s true. So, Denise, what have you been drinking tonight, Denise? What makes you think I’m drinking anything? Well, maybe the fact that you vomit it twice on camera. Yeah, before we got started, you were having some difficulties there. And you look like you’re a little wobbly in your chair. I think, Bob, what we should do. It’s an office chair. I think what we should do is we should give her a sobriety test right now. Okay, look at this finger, and I want you to follow the finger. Don’t move your head. She did not pass. I’m curious. When I first sat down, you guys were like, Franzia. I’m like, what happened? I don’t know. I’m drinking ice. Ice.
Nice. Yes. I see. You’re going to get us all kinds of hate mail. It looks like vodka to me. See, there’s the wine. There’s the wine. That is one of those old glasses that used to have a little thing that goes on the bottom that was plastic, isn’t it? Yeah, exactly. That looks like ethyl alcohol to me. I mean, come on. I should be like, it started here. Yeah. It’s not Franzia. What is it then? Boone’s Farm? They don’t sponsor me. They don’t sponsor you? I’m not going to say because they don’t. I’m still working on sponsorship from Christian Brothers. I’m working on sponsorship. No, I’m like, was I so wobbly when I came in? I’m not even wobbly. That’s weird that you would say I’m wobbly. You’re wobbly in the chair. You seem a little wobbly. Do you see me move at all? Am I steady? I do. It’s funny because it’s not like I’m walking to a stage. I’m sitting in a chair and I log on. How can I be wobbly in that process? You look a little wobbly to me. Tell everybody your OnlyFans account so they can log on later.
neglect like I do my family. Put a link on the chat. By the way, I don’t have an OnlyFans account, but I created an OnlyFats account. It’s been going fat stance. That’s the other account that people can have, the OnlyFats. Yes. Everything I have is at Denise Medina Comedy, whether it’s TikTok, Instagram, Facebook X. Well, no X is different. Cause that’s wild. Like I was on Twitter and then I left and then I came back when, when everybody got mad at Elon and left, I came back. Oh, there you go. Because I’m like, wait a second. This place was a dumpster fire long before Elon came on here. Guess what people, no matter wherever you go, there you are. Like if you can be on Twitter,
And then if you take it to Threads, now Threads is the dumpster fire. So it’s like, it’s just, it’s all of us people. All of us. No matter where we go, there we are. So if you’re trashing people on Twitter, now you’re on Threads. You’re still the same trash dumpster fire. You’re blaming Elon or Trump. No, it’s us. It’s you. It’s me. It’s him. It’s us. By the way, Elon and Taco Man, they’re actually making up. They made up. Oh, really? They made up? Yeah. They’re they, they had, uh, I think, uh, JD approach, uh, um, and Elon and, uh, they’re now friends again, apparently insider information tonight from Pablo. I’m so out of touch. I have no idea what’s going on in the news because, Oh, I’m in touch. I’m completely in touch. I’m a single man. I got to touch with himself. Yeah. I got to touch myself. And by the way, uh, this is a rare opportunity because, uh,
At age 65, I’m finally coming out of the closet. And I’m out. Denise is in it. She’s in the closet. I’m out of the closet. I am bisexual. 100% bisexual now. But anyway, by bisexual, I mean sometimes I use my left hand. Sometimes I use my right hand. I thought you meant credit cards. Oh, the credit cards. Yeah, bi, you know, B-U-Y. Oh, bi, yeah, bisexual. Well, that too. I’m pansexual. I told my husband that I will have sex with him for every pan he washes. Oh, wow. Wow, that’s all it takes? Just a little laundry? How easy are you? Holy cow. Don’t go by the Goodwill. Goodness gracious, you’ll be You’ll be tied up for weeks. I wish I could have dated you back then when you were dating your husband. Hey, do you find this shirt sexy? He can do the laundry. I love her. I love her totally. You missed your chance. I think we need to have the Denise Medina sex chore chart because I’m very interested to see what rates what. If a pan will get you sex…
I mean, you know, I’m willing to clean a few glasses or something. For every pan you wash. But you know what? I’m worried because I think he might be washing the neighbor’s pans. Wow. So you’re polyamorous laundry. Polyamorous laundry. By the way, I don’t want you to get hot, Denise, but my detergent packets, they’re huge, okay? I’m so excited. Huge package. I mean, and the dryer, holy cow, that’s a huge dryer. Still don’t put them in your mouth. Let’s just be honest. Yeah, don’t put them in your mouth. Yeah, we don’t want that. And my washer, holy cow, it vibrates at 50,000 RPM. That’s my washer. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Nice. Yeah, that’s great. He throws old hardware in the washer to keep it off balance. A brick. Yeah, a couple of bricks. Yeah. He’s intelligent.
Uneligible bachelor, for sure. I think Gary’s going to play us one more song, and then we’re going to go into our next segment. Here we go. Take it away, Gary. One, two, three, four. Thank you very much, Gary. That was fantastic. Thank you, Gary. The range that the Gary lines and the flea tones have there. I don’t know if you could guess what that song was, but you may have heard it in your youth, Pablo. By the way, we can only see half the pussy here. Yeah, I know. I’m a little chopped off, but that’s okay. I’m not the star of this show. You guys are. Let’s play a game here. Let’s play a game. It’s called What a Story, okay? I’m going to give you a random topic, and I’m going to ask you to tell me a story. Who wants to go first? Pablo does. Okay. Denise, you’re first. No, Pablo, tell me a story about a young Pablo on a sailing ship going to Never Never Land.
Well, a young Pablo in a sailing ship going to Never Never Land is something that happened to me a long time ago. I was in a sailing ship off the coast of California. I was drinking a lot of beer. It’s supposed to be funny, Pablo. Come on, get to the funny part. The pussy’s heckling me. I’m being heckled by a purple pussy. Ah, great. That’s all I need. What was it? A young Pablo. A young Pablo. masturbating all the way to Never Never. You know what Never Never Land for a young Pablo was? Never Never Land was a woman’s bosoms. Never Never Land was going to second base. That was a Never Never Land. I tried. I tried very hard. I was a good looking guy. I had long hair and down to my shoulders. I was a think guy. I looked like John Travolta
uh, with AIDS. And, uh, that was, you know, that was a beautiful thing. And, uh, me being on a ship, I would walk the plank. I would love to walk the plank. They would actually, uh, because I didn’t want to do anything. I was very lazy. Well, name my Pablo. I mean, let’s face it. Uh, I was very lazy. That was a very Hispanic insult. I should not have done that even though I am Hispanic. And, uh, so, um, uh, I was, uh, on that ship and, uh, They asked me to go up the mast and release the sails, and I didn’t want to do that, so they pushed me off the ship, and I was eaten by ship never made it to never, never land. I never made it to land, any land. The only land I made is land ho, and she was a beautiful ho. I mean, she was a gorgeous ho.
And I had to pay for it. Even back then, when I was a good-looking guy, I had to pay for the land ho. Every time I’d fuck this woman, she’d go, land ho! Oh, no. Land ho. Did I say fuck? I meant screw. What a harrowing story from Pablo, everybody. Let’s give him a round of applause. Basically. Never land. Never got in the bosom. I mean, it’s really quite a depressing story. Uh-oh. Now there’s a dog over there. I just heard my ex-wife. Denise, would you like to play What a Story as well? Sure, I’ll play What a Story. What a Story. Denise goes on a shopping trip to Saks Fifth Avenue and sees a celebrity. What happened, Denise? What happened? Well, I saw a celebrity and I convinced them that they knew me.
They were like a long distance friend. Yeah, they knew me and they started to feel bad that they forgot that they knew me and I played up on this. What was the end game for them knowing you? For celebrity, for fame, for fortune, for a game show, whatever. I don’t know. I thought maybe you had some kind of con or scam or you’re trying to do free tickets or you’re just like, I just want to mess with this. Who was the celebrity, by the way? Did you convince that celebrity you were pregnant with his child or something? No, no, no. This is a celebrity who like, I could probably get on their game show. Like they had a game show or they knew someone. Who was it? I don’t know. Drew Carey. Let’s say Drew Carey. Drew Carey. Drew Carey. Like, this is right. Like,
I got to get on that game show. I would be the ultimate. I want to win prizes. Like, yeah. Talk to him about that. Like I should be on that show. Like it would be in his best interest to get me on that show because I would be the ultimate guest. Cause he knows you. Because he knows me and I’m fantastic. And I’d be entertaining and I would win all the prizes, which probably isn’t best for them, but it’s great entertainment. Um, Yeah. If I were a celebrity, I would hire you on the spot. Pablo, you are a celebrity. There you go. In my own mind. Of course, you have to be. I would boost ratings. It would just be in their best interest to have me on their game show. That’s all I’m saying. Absolutely. Would you bring your 70s cup with you? It’s full of wine. My what?
Yeah, there you go. That’s 70s. Oh my gosh. She’s a drunk. She has wine. I’m like, what gave you that what, what, what gave it away? Like I sat down here with ice. Okay. I was being sneaky. I was being discreet. And all of a sudden i’m like, oh, I’m outed. Okay, fine. I came here. I had some wine. I had some more wine and now show me that glass again. Show me that glass again it’s a nice glass That’s a huge glass. Are you trying to compensate for something? That’s a huge glass. It’s not a huge glass. It’s a little glass. And it was only filled up to here. Okay. Denise, do you have any place that you’re going to be coming up here? Pablo’s going to be at the Comedy Chateau. He’s going to be at KO Comedy. Anything you want to plug? At the Comedy Store. Comedy Store? I’m sorry. Yeah, I’m going to be coming back to the Comedy Store, but not until November.
so far. I might come back earlier. They just don’t know it yet. They just don’t know it yet. You’re not letting that out of the bag yet. There’s a lot of places that are going to book me. They just don’t know it yet. Saturday. True. The funny thing is it matches her story. She’s going to go there. She’s like, you know me. You know me. You want me to be here? I know Drew Carey. I was on Price is Right. If I may add, she, she’s a powerful woman. She’s a producer. She produces shows. She’s the one that hires. We’re not here to mansplain her. She’s here to woman explain us. Okay. That’s too funny. It’s true. It’s too funny, but it’s true. Uh, I will be at the comedy store, but not till November, but probably sooner. Um, uh, because I’m going to start putting my clips up with Matt Rife and, um, not the name drop. Like he should be name dropping me. Uh,
Matt Rife, Jeff Ross, comedian CP, you know, Seth Green, uh, Rachel Feinstein, um, or Feinstein. I’ll never get that right. Steenstein. That’s something my brain will never get right. Is there a difference Pablo being, uh, you know, one of the chosen people in the pronunciation of Steinstein? I don’t know. I’ll never get it right. Like it’s Harvey Feinstein. Stein. Harvey. Yeah. Feinstein, Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, uh, What’s the difference between Stein and Steen, then? It’s like the Berenstain Bears going on here. It depends on whether Mel Brooks writes the script or not. I know. Frankenstein. Frankenstein. It’s so weird because, like, okay, so I’m going to be at the Parched Pug. Oh, right. I saw that. Wow. Saturday in Libertyville. It’s a great show. Bear Flight Comedy produces it.
Got a very curly tail. Yeah. I reached out. I was like, Hey, Libertyville. Holy cow. I’ll be there. It’ll be great. It’s the suburb. It’s a suburb of Chicago. And it’s funny because it’s Mike Stricker, Tim Brennan, Matt Torres, who the last time I saw him was at the comedy store. He was card one roast battling. I was under card four. That was a lot of fun. So I’m going to see him again. Kelsey Huff is headlining. But Libertyville is a great crowd. We had a good time. I went to an open mic last week with them. It’s weird because I’ve done comedy backwards, like producing shows, being in shows, and then now doing open mics. So it’s just like so out of order. And guess what? You know what? I don’t care anymore. It doesn’t matter. You’re enjoying your life, and it’s all going. And I’ve got a lot of great clips that people have said, oh, pop.
Pablo, did you see my, okay, so you’re talking about my Franzia, okay? Franzia. My Franzia. I don’t sponsor, they don’t sponsor me, but anyway, Pablo, I sent you a link or a video of me and Jenya. I was over-served. She came to my house and she bought wine and she over-served me. Over-served, yeah. Oh, you got to see that video. That video was amazing. And then she proceeded to interview me. Now, she worked for Voice of America, which is no longer. But she was Voice of America producer, reporter. And she proceeded to interview me. And instead of saying, no, no, no, I was like, okay. And so I let her interview me. And Pablo, I think, yeah, it was the funniest. I loved it because you guys, you ladies were shit-faced. I mean, completely not on camera.
And I love that. When people lose control and they do things with the camera that later regret it and they commit suicide when they watch it. It’s a beautiful thing. Honestly, Pablo, my thing is this. I’ve asked a couple of people. They thought it was very funny. I’ve never posted anything of any content. I need to post content as a comedian and put it out there. Like this. This will be put out there. Okay, great. We got to wrap it up for tonight, though, folks. Gary’s going to play us out. Everybody, go see Pablo. Go see Denise in November. Oh, by the way, I’m going to be at the War Zone comedy place in East St. Louis, okay? She doesn’t know what I’m talking about. Yeah, I do. I used to visit East St. Louis all the time. I used to bring candles there.
for the people. It was a beautiful place. It looks less of a war zone these days compared to other parts of the world. I remember. It was beautiful. Well, play us out, Gary, and we’ll see you all next time. Please see Pablo and Denise. Remember, tip your waiters and waitresses. Denise, you owe yourself a large one tonight. One, two, three, four. Thanks for watching!

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Hey, hey, we’re the monkeys. Monkeys. Monkey around. Singing to put anybody down. Just want to be friendly. Friendly. Thank you very much. Miles, are you there? I’m here, yes. Oh, okay. I said this is Bob. Hey, everyone. Miles here. This will be my location. Sorry. Oh, okay. I thought we were going to have another incident where you got caught with your pants down. Again. Again. Again. Again. Okay. Y’all situated there, sir? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I never can figure out why are you in so much pain all the time? I am. I am. I’m in a lot of pain all the time. What’s going on with you? I mean, I have pain i have a lot of pain in my life okay you don’t want to elaborate i guess what you’re saying
I’ve been too tantric in my life. Okay. Okay. That’s all you need to know. Stretching. Maybe you need to do a little stretching before. There’s something cracked. Are you happy? Something just cracked. I hope you’re happy. I’m not happy. I just read an article or a headline. Some lady in Las Vegas went to the chiropractor and the guy punctured her aorta when he cracked her neck somehow and she was in the hospital. Yakers. Yeah, yeah. Have you had that happen? I have the most gentle chiropractor. He’s just so, so gentle. Okay. He’s very gentle. I know you go to the chiropractor. I would never, ever go to the chiropractor. I haven’t been in a long time. No, you haven’t? I thought you went fairly regularly. No, not anymore. Not since the incident.
Yeah, not since I got a $4,000 physical therapy bill. I’m like, you know what? I’m just going to deal with it like Bob. I’m just going to shut up. Hey, I’ll tell you my secret for pain remediation. Gummies. Drugs, yeah. No, drugs. No, I… Reduce your inflammation. So what you have to do is fast. So don’t eat for like 12, 16 hours and it reduces your inflammation. Yeah, no, I work with people that believe in this. I know, yes. But you don’t, I mean, I’m just telling you it works because I’ve had knee pain since I was in my 20s, like early 20s. Actually, one of my teens, but because I’ve totally… my knees when i was young. And I don’t have that constant knee pain when we were you and i were in college yeah i had constant knee pain constant it was like would drive me batty sitting in class. You were just trying to get a good grade. No, I had, it was pain i was i was like in pain. Constant pain.
All I remember is you having like horrible posture, man. You were like, well, I still have horrible posture, but now I don’t have any pain. So yeah, it’s, it’s dramatically reduced. I really have to hurt myself to have the kind of pain that I used to have almost daily. And I’m telling you, readjust your eating a little bit. You’ll be fine. Yeah, me readjusting eating and me are not going to. That’s not going to happen. Yeah, well, I’m just saying. It’s not going to happen. It’s worked for me, so I’m just passing that along. I’m not going to starve myself so my knee feels better. I’m not doing it. Okay. Well, I don’t feel like I’m starving. You can take you and your Ozempic and shove it up your ass. I don’t do Ozempic, no. I just don’t eat. I don’t eat for a while. Don’t eat. Yeah. I know you take the Louis Anderson approach to eating. Okay. This guy.
sends me nonstop pictures of him going out to eat these huge steak dinners. That’s all I eat then. I don’t eat three or four baked potatoes. What dessert? I’m like, Jesus, God, this guy is… I never have dessert. This guy’s got to have at least four pounds of red meat in his colon at any given time. My dog here is going crazy. That’s unusual. Oh. I had a steak this weekend. See? That I didn’t even send you a picture of because I’m like, I’ve overplayed my taking pictures of steak and sending it to Miles. Yeah. So I’m not doing it anymore. So I didn’t do it. He knows I’m on food stamps, so he just rubs it in my face. He’s like, here. He goes, here, this is what you can’t have. Yeah, you can’t have this.
You won’t ever have to. Exactly. I went to Indiana over the weekend. Did you get lost or did you mean to go there? No, I meant to go over there. I had a great steak dinner, by the way. Thank you. Here we go. I had a fantastic salad, a potato and a steak. I did not have any dessert. I didn’t eat you know, prior to that, I probably didn’t eat for what, 12, 16 hours, something like that. Yeah. Great. But so my wife, I was tagging along with my wife. She had to do some stuff and she had to work. And so it was like, I’m being like you, right? Where you go with your wife and she works and then you piss around. Right. Yes, I do do that. Yeah. That’s my whole life. I did. I pulled the miles this weekend. I went with my wife. We went and had a nice steak dinner and,
The next day, I pissed around while she had to work. You teased me a little bit. I did, yes, a little bit. But I want to tell you, I was in Terre Haute, Indiana, which I’m going to just call from now on God’s country. Wow. I’ve never been there before. I was close by. That’s not where… we were staying, but I wasn’t that far away. And my wife’s like, I’m, what are you going to do all day? Cause I have to go work. Yeah. Yeah. And I’m like, well, I’ll find something to do. You know, it’s gotta be something to do around here, but it wasn’t. And so I had to go all the way to Terre Haute. Oh, geez. So I, I’m like, well, I’ve never been to Terre Haute before. So,
why not? Right. You know, it’s got a name. It’s very French, you know, you know, yeah. Yeah. They did have a Larry bird museum that I did not go to, but, uh, yeah. Let me guess. Cause it costs money. You’re like, no, it costs a little money. So I was like, yeah, that’s gotta cost a lot of money. I’m like, I’m not that big of a Larry bird video game. That’s about it. Yeah. I go down to Terre Haute and I found this place called the Bank of Pinball. The Bank of Pinball. It’s not a very good name. Because I like to play pinball and I thought, well, let’s go check this out. And I stumbled upon probably one of the most genius ideas that
everyone should mimic, at least for me being a big, you know, nerdy pinball guy. So I get to the bank of pinball. Well, the bank of pinball is in like the mall. They have mall there. Yeah. Called the hot center. Okay. Tara Hote, Hote center. And yeah. And so like, this was a, still a functioning mall, which you don’t see many of those nowadays, but, No, never. Instead of… Obviously, all the stores aren’t there, but there was still some big stores. A lot of the mall stores. There were Spencer’s. Spencer Gifts, right? Mall stores. There was a jewelry store. There was a pretzel thing and a popcorn place and all that kind of stuff that you get at a mall. But they replaced a lot of the empty stores with
with fun stuff. So one of them was the bank of pinball, which had God, I don’t know how many pictures did I send you? Way too many. Yeah. I probably had, I don’t know, probably had 30 or 35, 35, 40 pinball machines. Easily. It had other games that had ax throwing. Oh, it had laser tag. Yeah. They had, you know, like a bar, and it’s all mixed in with a bar, you know, food and beverages. They had putt-putt mini-putt golf indoors. Yeah. Then, after I got done playing pinball, I played all these new pinball machines I’d never even seen before. They had a Jaws pinball, a Beatles pinball, a James Bond pinball, a John Wick pinball. Oh, wow. That’s great. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I played them all. And then I got a couple of high scores on Guns N’ Roses and Godfather Pinball. Did you really spell your name on that one? Yes. On two. I actually didn’t send you the other picture, but yeah. Oh, wow. I thought you just somehow Photoshopped this thing. No, no. This is all real. So I’m like, this is great. So I spent my money because I limit myself because I’m a cheap bastard.
And I had a little time, so I walked around the mall. And you won’t believe what else they had in this mall. P.F. Chang’s? No, no P.F. Chang’s. They did have a functioning food court. Oh, okay. They had a Chinese place, Mexican place, pizza. I didn’t eat there. But they had RC car racing indoors, like a big track where you go off-roading with the RC car inside the mall. Wow. Then you can buy a quad or a four by four. What place is this? Oh my God. It’s the, it’s the hot center in Terre Haute. Yeah. Haute center. No kidding. And they had a place where you could buy a compound bow and actually shoot it in the mall. You can shoot arrows in the mall. Hey kids. I’m like, if that isn’t,
nothing more dangerous than giving people broadhead arrows in a mall. I don’t know what is what do you have the razor blade tips? Yeah, exactly. Oh my God. This sounds a little dangerous. And it was, and then they had like, uh, I didn’t go into this place. You would love it because i know you like, you know, this kind of stuff, or at least your wife does maybe. Uh, they, one of the big box stores, like a dillard’s or macy’s or one of those things was gone. And it was full of flea market vendors. There’s like 700 booths or something. Oh, wow. In this old Macy’s. Oh, wow. Okay. They pretty much filled up the whole mall. There wasn’t a lot of empty spaces. And yeah, it was total genius. I’m like, these people need an award.
for this because they’ve taken what was dead space, right? And made it interesting. And there was, I mean, there was quite a few people that I was there early on a Saturday, so it wasn’t like it was packed or anything, but I could see where it would be packed. They had, you know, you could get, you could get a beer like, you know, pubs and stuff in there. And so, so yeah, I was like, this is, I can’t believe it. Nice. Now I want to go. Yeah, this is one of the best places that I’ve found, you know, like bumming around. That’s like south of Indy, right? Yeah, yeah. So it’s not too far off of Highway 70 on the way to Indianapolis, on the west side of Indianapolis. Oh, okay. Yeah. It’s really not that far across the Illinois border. Okay. Yeah.
And Indiana university there and some other stuff. I mean, it was a, it was a nice town and, and I was, I was really super impressed with their, uh, I know this is not a funny story or anything, but, uh, I couldn’t believe, I couldn’t believe the ingenuity and overall, you know, kind of, they, they hit their target market. You know what I’m saying? There’s no, the guys who want to go in and throw axes and drink beer. And shoot arrows and maybe look at a quad runner. This is like a man’s place. Well, they had other stuff too, but yeah, that’s all the stuff that kind of jumped out at me. They had a JCPenney. I don’t know what that means. Wow. Yeah. And I was like, man, talk about, you know, talk about saving the mall culture.
That’s on, no, just all the ones around here are all dead. Yeah, well, we were in Alton, right? That was dead, right? You and I met over there, I think. Yeah, we met somewhere, yeah. Yeah, Alton Square Mall. But anyway, yeah, I just was like, wow, talk about geniuses. These guys are geniuses. Wow, no kidding. So shout out to Tara Holt. Nothing too weird was going on other than this guy was shooting arrows and Which I thought, I mean, he literally could have just turned around and killed people. Yeah. The axe throwing was way more contained than any of the arrow shooting. So do they do some kind of testing? Like, could you take this test? Would you murder people if you had a chance? Yeah.
Is there any chance that you’ll kill anybody trying to get to Orange Julius? Yeah. That’s weird. Anybody just walk up there like, okay, I want to do it. The only thing they didn’t have was a shop that sold guns. Maybe I just didn’t see it. I don’t know. Weird. That’s weird. But I would recommend if you’re a Midwestern geek that likes playing pinball and skeeball and all kinds of stupid things like that, to go to the Hot Center in Terre Haute. No, they just put like a strip club in there. God. I’m surprised there wasn’t, to be honest with you. It’d be perfect. You know, like, man, maybe there was one and it just is open at night only. I don’t know. So laser tag, laser tag. Yeah. I have played laser tag once or twice. Yes. Yeah. I played it quite a bit. Actually, when the kids were younger, we would go, but yeah. Yeah. The good thing is that your targets no bigger if you’re bigger. So that’s the, that’s the upside. Yeah.
Right, right. So what’s going on with you? I had a grand old time down in Terra hot. Yeah. I just had to rub it in because so many times I’m like, hey, why don’t we meet up? Oh, that would be a good idea. And then you just go, and then you don’t tell me about it. Oh, one time. I did it one time to be an asshole, and I did it. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it was a dick move. I’ll be honest. It was a complete dick move. But I’d go back. That was down in Quincy. I’d go back. Yeah, there you go. I don’t care. I don’t care. I don’t care. You know, we always say we don’t always really do secondhand stories. We don’t. Try not to, yeah. We try not to because
Cause it’s really hard to convey. And I don’t know, maybe this one won’t even work. I don’t know, but I’ll try it. I’m going to plug this in. That’s what happened. So, uh, so that’s how you got married. I’m going to play. I was like, well, let’s try it. We’ll just see what happens. And, uh, my oldest son, uh, he has like a business trip, an annual business trip. He goes on and, uh, I’ve been his plus one a couple of times. Yeah, I’m sure he’s thrilled. Throughout the years. I think I did a story last year where I let a bunch of kids into the hospitality room and stuff. Eat all the free food. I don’t know if you remember that or not. Yeah, yeah. So he invited my other son. They’re pretty close in age. And he goes, why don’t you come with me? It’s almost a whole week long. You’ll be the plus one. Oh, you got booted.
got booted for younger blood. I got well no i just i got a, I got a trip coming up. I have to kind of knuckle down for, so i had to kind of skip that one, but you’re like, son, I’m not paying for everything this year. He’s like, okay, I’ll go my brother no that’s okay. So, uh, they got up there and, uh, where they were going to stay was not actually at where the, like the convention was going to be. Ah, okay. All right, so they’re like, well… Now you can’t just walk downstairs and go to the stuff. Right, you got to take a crap. Like, you got to get back in your car and drive back to the hotel and take your crap and come back. I’m sure they have public bathrooms, but yes. Well, I know, but you’re weird about public bathrooms. You’re all like, no. Oh, yeah, I would totally drive back to my hotel, yes. Yes, because you would not embarrass yourself. Like, no, I won’t. And so…
uh, well, the, uh, so anyway, my youngest or my oldest son’s like, well, drop me off. Cause meeting’s going to start at noon. He goes, you know, to my youngest son, he goes, I don’t know if you’d be able to check in or not. Cause it’s new time. You don’t typically get to check in too early to a hotel. Right. Yeah. I always say, yeah, it depends. So by luck they say, yeah, okay, we’ll do it. You get it. Okay. And he gets in there and, uh, He looks around, he goes, oh my God, he goes on the wall next to the bed. There’s like clearly a footprint on the wall. Okay. As if someone was maybe trying to get leverage or something, you know, like something to happen. There was like, clearly I’ve got a picture of this. I’m like, and, uh,
You’ve got a picture of it? Yeah. Okay. And then he starts looking around. He goes, I’m not sure this is a cum stain or anything below it. Oh, great. Okay. Yeah. And so the conference ends up, and they get back together again, and they’re laughing, and they call up lower management. They’re like, oh, we’re sorry. We’re sorry. You know, we’ll call them up about the footprint. Yeah. Oh, really? Okay. Yeah. And they came down and like, you know, some people came down and looked at like, oh my goodness. Ooh, you know, like, you know, but what’s that? What’s that? He said, let me look at your shoe. Now this is a bare foot. This is a bare foot. Yeah. Yeah. This is a human shoe.
Yeah, right by the thermostat. Yeah, right next to the thermostat. Someone’s got a footprint. Where’s the bed at in relation to this footprint? I don’t know. I don’t have a full picture of the whole place, the layout. The beds in hotels are not against the wall, so. I don’t know. I don’t know. I wasn’t there. I’m not judging. I’m just saying it was a little weird. And they’re like. Toes down. I think it’s toes up actually. So I don’t know. Really? I don’t, I will have you look at, I’ll have you look at it. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Send it over. And, um, anyway, so, uh, the, the people who are there, like you should really talk to the big manager of this hotel and you should really complain to him. You know, the people at the conference were telling him that, or no, the people actually worked at the hotel. This is really gross. Christ’s sake. Jeez.
You know, so I was like, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it’s the last day. And, uh, you know, that’s the weird thing. Yeah. So they, uh, meet up with this guy and, uh, Todd, we’ll call him Todd. And, uh, Todd, the general managers, they, yeah. What do you guys want? Hey, what’s wrong? And they’re telling them like, well, there’s like a footprint and maybe Andrew dice clay. Hey, Hey, what do you want? Hey, Yeah. Well, I was weird. I was, he’s like, well, tell me what happened again. Well, I heard about this. What is it? What is it? You know? And they’re telling me, he’s like, oh, oh, okay. Well, you guys kind of waited a long time to report this. Oh, he’s giving them the runaround. Yeah. He’s yeah. He’s going to like turn it against them now. Like, oh, well, that’s kind of suspicious. It’s not your foot. Yeah. It’s a little sketch guys. You know, kind of. Yeah. I mean, I don’t know. I just saw like a real, you know, skeeve, you know,
You know, just like totally beat a jackass, you know, like, well, sure. You know what I mean? Was it there? Was it really there? Or was it, you know, it’s all goes bullshit. And he’s like, finally, you know, after a short time, he relents like, well, I’ll get, I’ll knock off 10%. Oh, please. 10%. What’s that worth? I’ll knock off 10% off the bill. All right. I’m a nice guy. I’ll knock off. I would say, give me a free night. Stay the next time. Not here, but at any of your chain, you know, places. Yeah. No, my, my, my oldest son, he’s too nice of a guy. He’s like, well, I was going to ask for a lot more, but I guess that’s okay. You know, is that, you know, we get what you get, you know, what else do you want? My son’s like, give me a, my son’s like, give me a free iced tea.
Oh, he’s got a little bit of his old man in him. That’s what I was proud of. Cause he didn’t quite give up. You know, he kind of gave up a little bit, but he’s like, give me the iced tea. I want, I like your iced tea here. Give me a free iced tea. He goes, ah, iced tea. Are you kidding me? What the? All right. All right. Right. You got me. You got me. You got me. I really always got to bump it. Always got to bump it. Guys. Totally. Seemed like a total jackass. Yeah. I felt so bad for these kids. They had to sleep in this big DNA Petri dish room. And, uh, well, don’t you realize that’s every time you go to a hotel? I mean, I know. And I’m all wigged out. Cause like, I’m going to be going like on vacation, you know, at some point. And I’m like, Oh no, I’m going to be sleeping in some dudes, you know, you can’t think about it. You just have to, you know, go to your happy place. I think I’m going to bring my own sleeping blanket, you know, that my hunting and fishing, uh,
Yeah, why don’t you bring some Hershey Kisses and a heating pad while you’re at it? Well, that was a difference. That was a completely different thing. Okay, I kind of made the mess in that room. Yeah. Laid on chocolate with a heating pad on. Yeah, that was bad. Maybe instead of taking the heating pad, just don’t eat so often. Yeah. If I only would have starved myself. Yeah, I should have just starved myself for 12 hours. Yeah, you starve yourself for 12 hours. You won’t have that back pain. Yeah. Yeah, I think that’s probably a better play than melting chocolate all over the fucking bed sheets. Okay, shit myself. Yeah, well, that’s, you know, you say it was melted chocolate. Well, you can go there and smell it. It wasn’t dookie. Yeah.
How do we know you don’t eat so much goddamn chocolate that your dookie smells like chocolate? I don’t know. Just saying. Just saying. So do you really think that a footprint on the wall is worth even 10%? That’s a little sketch. I mean, I’ve seen some weird stuff in rooms, but that’s a little bit weird, man. So what would pubic hairs be worth? Oh, God. Let’s make a scale of what’s worth what in your hotel room. Oh, God. I don’t know. Speaking of secondhand hotel stories, I know a guy who found a giant dildo in his bed. That wasn’t his. Was it Michael? No, no. I’ll tell you off the recording who it was. Hey, Bob. Hey, Bob. You know that one time I laid down from a giant dildo in my bed? Hey, Bob. Bob. Hey, Bob. It was somebody who would not make this up. Oh. That I know. Well, that I knew, I suppose. I think that he’s passed away, but
that I knew. Uh, and yeah, he had a great story and he even called down and had somebody come and get it. No, I quit. I quit. I’m not doing it. I’m not doing it. I quit. It was, it was rolled down in the tuck, right? So it was all the way down at the bottom of the bed and he’s, he’s, he touched her with his foot. Oh, And he’s like, what’s that? And so he rips the covers off. He needs to call down and say, guess what? I got a giant dildo in my bed. I feel a little lonely. I feel a little lonely. I gave him a new room. Oh, my God. It was hilarious. And a bigger dildo. That’s right. Well, these are all mounted, sir.
We’re not going to charge you any extra for the dildo. Yeah. No extra for that. You got the honeymoon suite. That’s I mean, other than, you know, that’s weird. That’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. Well, that trumps my story. Yeah. That completely trumps my story. I’m not trying to trump your story. I’m just saying it’s a, if you had to rank things, you know, don’t you think that’s a free night? I mean, I don’t know the footprint 10%. He, maybe he was in the ballpark. I’m not sure. what do you think

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

oh my God, my ear. Jesus Christ. Jesus, that was loud. Holy Christ. Now I’m loud before i was quiet. now no is that lady’s voice. Oh, the live streaming. Yeah, the ai lady. Live streaming is on. Yeah. No! Do you smell that gasoline smell? Okay. Yeah. Yeah? Hey, Miles here with Static Radio. What are you, yeah. I was doing that voice today at work. I don’t know why. Oh, you’re trying to be, oh, what’s his name? Duval. Yeah, Robert Duval, but what was his character name? Kurtz. No, Kilgore. He wasn’t Kurtz. Kilgore. Kill gore. There you go. Kill gore. Smell. Smell it. Smell. Smells like CB’s house. Smell. Smells like. Lots of balls. Lots of balls. You’re horrible. I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know. I crack myself up. I don’t know. I’m a risk taker. I’m a risk taker. I don’t know.
I take risks. Yeah. Well, you know, I ran into your doppelganger recently. Oh, I don’t have a doppelganger. Oh, well, there are parts of you that are doppelgangerish. I can tell you that. Okay. So apparently in these parts, it’s become almost a sport to play purchase things from amazon and then just return them. And I think my wife is excelling at this sport currently because we’re returning things at a rate that is phenomenal, right? Well, are you the people who like, will like get like good clothes and like have like some family picture taken and then like you put the clothes back like, oh, we didn’t like them and Not that I’m aware of. Oh, okay. Because I know people have done that. She buys these things and she gets to say, yeah, I don’t like that. I don’t like the sex swing. And then it’s going back, right? It’s boxed up. Yeah. So, you know, I being, you know, as good a husband as I possibly can, I will do, I will go on errands. Yeah, you are the king of errands.
I will, I will drive the errands and so forth. So one of the stops on the errands is to return, you know, the, you know, we, we, we take in 10 and we send back nine. That’s a big ratio that I’ve noticed here lately. That’s crazy. Yeah, I know. It’s crazy. So we’re at the UPS store, which, uh, just got a new location because the old location was a total cluster. Fuck. Uh, literally people were banging into each other constantly. So they, they got a new location, which really isn’t that much better. I’ll be honest with you. It’s only mildly better than the old location. And so we had done some other errands. We get to the ups store and my wife’s gonna run in. This is the good part for me. I don’t have to go in. I just gotta stay in the car and keep it.
either warm or cool, depending on the season. So right now, keeping it cool. And she goes in, returns the package, because it’s all free, right? With Prime, you get free delivery and free returns. Right. All free. It has become entertainment. I’m going to return the jarts. Yeah, that’s right. And then she gets back in the car, and she’s like, why aren’t you going? I’m in a parking spot, right? And I’m like, and I’m, you know, doing the eye thing where you like, look, you know, yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. I’m talking about, because I’m next to me is the miles title, uh, clone. Yeah. You couldn’t take your eyes off his beauty. No, no, no. Yeah. Wait. Yeah. Yeah. Wait for the beauty part with his door open, leaning into the back of his car with his hash crack hanging out. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no. It’s big, fat, hairy ass crack is like right by my door. It winked at you. Yeah. And I’m talking and I’m like,
you know, I’m, I’m, I’m looking over, I’m, my wife’s in the passenger seat. I’m the driver’s seat. I’m looking over at her and I’m like, you know, and she’s like, Oh my God, that guy’s ass is hanging out. Yeah. Yeah. And I mean, this was like half crack. I swear to God, you know, just a few more centimeters and I would have saw a hole. Oh my God. I’m feeling horny, honey. Yeah. Or at least more cheek. Anyway. This is how I picture Miles. Yeah. I’m sure there’s a lot. Yeah. This is Miles picking up the last of the Cheez-Its off the floor that he got right there. Yeah. Was he wearing like a wife beater like I like to wear? No, no. He didn’t have. He had the actual clothes on, but they didn’t. Ill-fitting. It was an ill-fitting shirt and then pants were.
Or, you know he his pants would have been right at his waist had he been standing up. But as soon as he bent over, they just stayed there. And it’s like a hinge. It’s just like a hinge. And his ass crack yeah i was i was mortified and then my wife was cracking up. And this poor guy had to hear it. I mean, he just had to. How much video did you shoot of this? I didn’t shoot any video i’m not this is not my thing. We’re going to have this on Lament tonight. Hey, everyone. That’s true. Well, maybe somebody else will show their ass crack on there. But yeah, I was just like, you know, it was so uncomfortable and I couldn’t back out because he literally was just about like rubbing his cheeks on the door. Yeah.
He was not a small person. He might have washed the handle or something. Yeah. Well, thankfully it was kind of on the back door. I never get in back there. Thank goodness. On the slider door. Ironically. You’re cracking yourself up. Ironically, Bob saw the back door, it looks like. Yeah. I was just sitting there minding my own business, and I hear a lot of beeping. Beep, beep, beep. And then, what? He’s backing up that junk in the trunk. Did you see the starfish at any point? No, no. It was very close, though. I can tell you it was eminent. Had David Cockerfield been there, the curtain would have dropped, and… The whole shebang, yeah. Although he was rather chubby, so maybe not. No, that’s not me. Yeah, maybe not. It was woof and a lot of hair. Yeah. I’m like, man. The cheeks themselves were hairy? Yes, all the exposed area. Oh, I don’t have hairy cheeks. Was very hairy, yes. All very…
Yeah, me either. I don’t have hair at all. What are you talking about? I’m an alien, for Christ’s sake. I know. Smooth skin, yes. I was hairy. It all fell off. That’s nice to know. Yeah. Well, this guy had all yours and more. And so finally, he stood up and went to take his package in, but it was quite the scene. And, uh, i mean he had to hear my wife saying, Oh, because your wife yeah i mean she curses a lot. I’m thinking like yeah jesus christ and then uh yeah very really something something ass something yeah the ass is hanging out. So how long have you been watching this? And I’m like, I looked, I was basically when she opened that door, I was staring at her because I’d already got a glimpse of the floor show and I wasn’t, you know. You do like to check out people. You like to check out the backsides of people.
Where do you get this shit? I don’t like to check out the back of people. Yes. You’re always like, you know, I was at this thing and I sat down and this woman had like this funny butt and I just looked at it. Well, if it’s funny, sure. No, I used to. You’re like some connoisseur or something. That was a two chair butt. Yeah. She was. Yeah. Where she took up two chairs. Yeah. And that was like 20 years ago. I mentioned that. Yeah, I know. I’m just saying. You’re always like, well, no, it wasn’t anything perverted. I was just looking. Yeah, it wasn’t. And this was not perverted either. I was trying not to look. I just saw it. Yeah. And then I turned my head because my wife was coming around the car and I’m like… Will you be on my podcast, sir, please? Yeah. You know I have a podcast. It’s called The Hairy Ass Crack. This week’s guest. This week’s guest will be you.
i felt bad for him because yeah, she really yeah yeah she really, you know, he had to hear, it was so close. He had to hear. Windows down. Like, oh no. Luckily the window was up, but still. Yeah. Still this one yelling ass cheeks, ass cheeks boom ba ba boom on sale this week harry ham hocks i love that i love that part for was it stand by me or something about the fat kid yeah I was just like, oh, my God. What have I done here with these returns? Oh, my God. Look at this. I’m just whistling. Can I mind my own business? Many happy returns. What a day for a daydream. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, my Lord. Look at that. Over there, Quark. What are you talking about? Oh, my God.
He looked like a live action version of that stupid Charmin commercial with the bears and the stuff on their assholes. He turned around. He’s like, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy, help me. Oh my gosh. That’s horrible. It was horrible. That’s horrible. You’d make fun of this guy. I mean, normally you just see women juggling packages going in there cause they’ve are in the Amazon return club. Sounds like you were juggling your own package. I was not juggling anything. Ass. Oh, my God. What an ass. Buddy, look, I’ve got a semi. It’s a little bit funny. It’s deep inside. I’m not one of those can easily hide. I hope you don’t mind. I hope you don’t mind. I got my hairy ass hanging out at the UPS store while I’m returning. All these boxes. If I bent over into my car, but then again, no. Yeah, if I started backing up, it would have been like… It would have streaked my car with its…
I hope he wiped. Yeah, well, thankfully we did not get down that far. oh my God. that’s so disturbing that is so disturbing. Yeah. I get too many i get too many bubble heads i gotta take some of them back. Yes. I collect your magic cards came. I get two boxes. We are never coming back here again, honey. Yeah, exactly. I’m like, I’m gonna I’m going to drive and just throw you out and I’ll come back and pick you up later. I’ll just come back later. Yeah. I never had that experience at the old store location. Because the parking lot was shit and you basically had to take your life out of your hands. You weren’t looking, you know, weren’t taking a lot of time. You were running this guy, you know. Sometimes when we touch, the honesty’s too much.
I go, hey, bud, I wouldn’t return that electric razor if I were you. I think you got a little use for it there. Who wears short shorts? Ray wears short shorts. Yeah, he needed something. Oh, my gosh. It was like Sonic ass cheek delivery to my window here. Oh boy. That’s a lot to take in. That’s a lot to take in. Yeah. It was a lot. What’s going on with you? So, you know, um, you know, we haven’t had a good autograph story for a long time, you know, for at least a week or at least a week or two. Yeah, I know. Well, I know between your yard stories and my autograph story. He’s a narrow pretty much quit listening at this point. Call it the yard autograph. Yeah. Yeah. That’s all we do. Yeah. And, uh, so I went to the South side of Chicago there. Yeah. South side, Johnny by myself, you know, by yourself. Really? What’s going on? You’re going by yourself all the time. No, you know, it’s all right. You know, it’s all right. I don’t care.
I don’t care. Sometimes one of my kids will go with. I can stick my hairy ass cheeks out the window when I drive. It’s okay. Look at that ugly broad next to me looking. Oh, that’s a dude. Oh, geez. Oh, geez. I’ve been to this place before. Anyway, there’s absolutely no parking. Oh, fuck. I’m like, well, I’m going to park by one of these businesses and hopefully I don’t get towed. I was so like, weirded out. I’m like, man, don’t tell me, please don’t tell me. No favors. Yeah. I just, please don’t give me a ticket. I had like five items i wanted signed. Oh my god you’re taking five fucking things into the yeah yes yes flat football jersey ass cheeks were two you know, so your moves, did you write super bowl right in the middle? Yeah.
Where you put the O and, uh, so, um, how about we just put the P there? Yeah, I get it. And, um, so I get in there and, you know, being an old man, I, you know, I’ve got like actually like a mini suitcase with me and all sorts of shit. And, uh, I get there and, uh, there’s like a, as you come in, there’s kind of like a, a snack bar. thing i don’t know what you want to call it. Then you little check-in place six things and a slurpee and some fritos no i go hey no there’s a there was a woman there. I go, Hey, could you watch my stuff for a minute here i gotta tinkle you know i gotta tinkle like my grandma used to say okay okay yeah he goes yeah yeah put it behind here. It’ll be safe. I’m like, okay. Oh my. Yeah.
I don’t want none of these jabroni stealing my stuff, you know? Yeah. I hear you. And so I go in, I get out and, uh, I recognize like the managers there now, cause I, this is like my third time with this building and, uh, I go to grab my stuff. I go, Hey, can I get my stuff? She’s like, yeah. He goes, Hey, what are you doing back here? Yeah. Back here. You’ve, Weirdo. Yeah. He’s like, what are you trying to get the cash register? What are you doing like no no no no no i’m just trying to get my stuff. I’m getting my stuff, you know? Yeah. Pull your pants up for fuck’s sake he’s like yes i know he’s like hey we’re all italians here. I mean, what the hell you know like no no no i don’t want no problem. I couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. I really oh my gosh. Hey, pies on, you know, easy, man. I’m like, geez. Right.
And, uh, I get there, I’m like, shit, there’s a shit ton of people here, you know, for someone, you know, doesn’t have a huge name, but i’m like, Oh, you’re putting down the people you’re getting autographs from. Come on. And well, everyone looks like me, you know, like, you know, the ass cheeks yeah you know, bandit, you just saw, they all look like that. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. I can imagine. I’m like, fuck, there’s like 50 people ahead of me. I could have played football if i wanted to. Right. No, I had, so I had, I pre-bought like four tickets and I go, you know, I’m going to get a fifth one, but give me a fifth one. You can’t just, you gotta pay for each thing, huh? Yeah. Right. Well, no, yeah. It’s not like, you know, I’ll just sign until your hand hurts. I mean, you gotta pay for these aren’t free. I’ve never been to one of these things. And so I get, okay. So then I buy the fifth ticket. Right. So I get line.
And, uh, you know, you’re in line with all these stalkers, you know, like me, you know, I was like, okay. Right. Yeah. And, uh, there’s kind of like a young dad, you know, in front of me and he’s kind of looking around and he kind of looks at me and I kind of give him a nod, like, you know, Hey, what’s up. Right. And he shoots me a look like, Hey, tutti frutti. What are you looking at? You know, I don’t know. I don’t know what he was thinking, but yeah, he immediately like, yeah, yeah. He’s immediately like, I don’t want to see no ass cheeks, you know, get at it. Right. You got five fucking tickets. That’s what he was thinking. I know. Stalker. Stalker. The next thing I know, I’ve got Jabba the Hutt and Junior Samples behind me. They’re all… You got a three-way mirror or something? Yeah. I get the resident expert on everything about football.
I get 10 tickets. I’m getting 10 things signed. Oh my God. This guy’s a fucking expert on everything. All right. You know, I’ve got two shoes. I’ve got two socks. I’ve got a pair of pants. Yeah. He’s like, well, you know, back in 19. And he mentioned something about a certain thing. I go, I didn’t say anything. Oh, I got a picture of that. I kind of went through my phone and I got it. And I kind of show it to him. He’s like, oh yeah. Yeah. Well, anyway, Um, like I was saying, you know, I put you in your place. You can never, you can never impress city people with anything. Don’t stop my story with your pitiful picture. Yeah. I don’t give a F about your picture. F you. You and your five things. Get the F out of here. You stupid. Right. You Mr. Five things. Five things. Walking taco. Come on. Get the hell out of here. You’re half a sissy. Get out of here. You know? And I’m like, all right. All right. So.
Uh, I get up there, you know, I’m fumbling, you know, and, uh, I get all this stuff side. Right. And I kind of just, you can’t really, you know, stop and chat too long. You know, they’re always trying to hurry people. You should be able to chat for five times. No, no, no, no, no. It wasn’t like that. Right. That’s bullshit. I’m getting packed up. And I realized I go, son of a bitch. He’s only saying four out of the five things. Uh, Yeah. I go, they’re never gonna believe me. Shit. I wouldn’t believe you. I know. So I go back up, you know, the guy with the tickets to go hey ticket guy hey hey mr light man mr light man i go hey i explain it to him. He’s like, okay, miles. Listen, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Just get back in line. It’s all right. Just get, get, get out of my face. Get out of here. Yeah, really? Quit crying. Number one. listen
Yeah, I just, I don’t know where you’re from. Just get out of here. I’m like, all right. You’ve sired children. Quit crying. You can handle it. Jesus. Right. So I’m like, okay, all right. I get back in line. You know, there’s another 50 people ahead of me. I’m like, geez. Yeah, you gotta wait all day on this shit. Yeah. Some people have a little dog they brought with, you know, and they got to show the guy the dog. I’m like, oh my God. Yeah. Enough with the goddamn dog. Don’t bring your dog. It’s a nice dog. If only these other. You know, idiots would bring me a dog sign. I know. I had, I know it was a dog. It’s all it took. I’m going to steal someone’s dog or something. So I got, uh, the ticket guy, he’s got a buddy up there. It looks like complete, you know, old school South side Italian, right? Like, oh, right. Yeah. I explained it to him and he looks at me like there’s no way he believes this story. Like, right. I don’t, yeah, I wouldn’t believe it. He’s a quick Ryan, quick Ryan. You told me the ticket guy said this was okay.
Yeah. Kind of shakes his head. What didn’t you get signed? The flat football? I have the LP of a certain musical. Everyone has all the same shit. Everyone has the same posters, the same shit. There’s like six items that you sign nonstop, believe me. It’s like, yep, check, check, check, check, check. Super Bowl shuffle. Got it. You know, some guys have the back of the stadium seats there, you know, I see, you know, stuff like that. Okay. Like all these losers, you know, we got, okay. And, uh, well, the guy signs it. I’m like, all right, good. All right. So, uh, I get out of there and I’m like in a, the holding area, so to speak, you know, I’m trying to get all my shit in this little bag I brought. Yeah. I’m fumbling. I like actually dropped something in there. Next thing you know, I got like Java next to me. Like, Hey, you okay?
I mean, you’re right. Yeah. Yeah. What’s wrong with you? You drop stuff. I mean, what the fuck? I know. I just, yeah, I’m fine. All right. I’m fine. Why don’t you waddle over there? You mean take this off your hands? Take your metformin and get the fuck out of my face. You know? Oh my God. Take your ass part in your Jardians and get the fuck out. You know? Oh my Lord. Oh my God. You know, I forget, you forget, you know, you’re by the city, you know, everyone’s got an attitude. Everyone thinks you’re a thief. Yeah. Well. Thievery or you’re lighting the loafers or something. I don’t know. I just, I just felt like it was weird. The whole thing was weird. Right. Yeah. It sounds weird. And I, I, I go, okay. The day cannot get any weirder and not get anywhere. So I leave, I go home. I got a long ride home.
stop the gas station. I’m trying to fill up and like some fucking hillbilly kid walks up. He’s trying to explain something about the pump. I’m like, I’m not, I’m not following this at all. Crying at the football sign in recent. That pump, there’s something with that pump. You need to know or something like what? I was so tired. I almost felt like I was high. I’m like, what? What? It works better when you give me $2. Yeah. I’m like, okay, this is a scam. I can tell it. He’s a scammer. I, No, so he explains it again. He’s prepaid the goddamn pump, but the car is nowhere to be seen. Huh? He wants that pump. He goes, oh, I prepaid that pump with like 20 bucks. Because I haven’t pumped anything out yet, right? What? I’m like, where the fuck is his car? No, his car is like out by the building. He hasn’t moved his car. He just went in, did something, prepaid gas, but then on a pump, but he doesn’t even have his car there.
At the pump. So anyone could have pulled up and basically pumped a 20 gas. What kind of rocket scientist is this guy here? I’m like, what the hell is this? I’m like, all right. This already sounds like a scam. So he’s trying to get you to give him $20. Yeah, I know. Everyone thought I was a scammer and a thief. I’m like, okay, this guy wants me to do something. I don’t know why. Oh, I forgot to pull up because I was too busy. I was too busy. I dropped my autograph. material over there and i had to go get yeah Yeah. So I don’t know. I was just like, I was just, I was ready to go home. I’m like, I’m going home so what did you do then with the guy? Did you say i moved i moved i moved i go this guy. So you didn’t give him the 20 then? Uh, no, no, I didn’t do anything wrong. I mean, I didn’t pump anything or nothing, but he, then he did produce a car, which like okay he did have a car because he was told the truth, but i’m like, sorry.
I don’t know. Why wouldn’t you have your car there ready to go? I mean, why would you? That’s the most bizarre thing I’ve ever heard. I mean, a lot of the pumps are already taken, so why would you run the risk? I called in from home, and it took me 10 minutes to get here. I mean, at the risk of someone taking your gas and then having to ask them to pay you back. Right, right. Oh, that’s weird. That’s totally weird. I go, you’ve got to be related to Bob Lament. This sounds like something Bob Lament would do. I would never do something like that. Hey, what are you doing to my pump, man? That sounds stupid. I don’t know. It’s a stupid world. It’s only getting stupider. That’s for sure.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

Yes, he is a friend. Yeah, you know he’s been a good friend. It ain’t hard to define, just he’s got himself a girl. And she’s watching you, big guy. Yeah, I think. A little bit louder now. Bring up your mic a little. Come on, bring up the mic. Bring up my mic a little bit? Okay, now you’re talking. Yeah, put that… I got you now. No, I got you now. I’m just saying, you know. All right. I thought maybe you were switching over to… Switching to glide? Yeah. Switching to glide. Switching to glide. Hey, everyone. Miles. You’re clear. Get used to it. how’s it going, Miles? um I’m good. I’m doing well yourself no i’ve had i’ve had better days i i bet you have yeah i watched uh i watched that peewee herman uh documentary over the weekend. You see that no i’ve been what i was watching something else. What were you watching?
Uh, just the Tylenol killings. Oh, I’ve already seen that one. Yeah. Well, this is a new one. Another new one? Yeah, it came on today. Netflix. Just today? I’ll have to watch it then. Did I stutter? Yes. Today. Today? Are you sure? Any new information or is it the same stuff from before? I don’t really want to go into Okay, no problem. Yeah. Well, I love the Pee Wee documentary, by the way. I thought it was really good. Yeah, he recorded it right before he died, didn’t he, or something? He did. Literally, he recorded a bunch of stuff. I don’t want to give away any spoilers or anything. And then he stopped cooperating. And then at the last minute, he cooperated and then he died. Oh.
He recorded a bunch of stuff, and man, this was like within the last month of his life or something. He’s like, eh, maybe I don’t want to do this, and then he reconsidered, and then he passed away. Wow. That’s timing, huh? Yeah. Well, he seemed to have good timing, that Pee-Wee. Yeah, he was funny. anyway i am not here to talk about peewee herman excuse me okay or any other peewee all right we’ll zip up and let’s get going no i mean I should have, uh, I should have mentioned that I’d already done my story and then you had, you know, an animal story. And so I’m like, Oh, I got an animal story for you. Oh, that’s right. Yeah. You were holding back on me now. Well, I’d already, I’d already, you know, slung my hook. So I figured I might as well. Yeah. You know, you have last week’s animal story. And then this week I have an animal story. All right. Well, let’s hear it. So I was sent out to pick up.
some items from, uh, Sam’s club mulch. No, no mulch yet. No mulch yet. That’ll be soon but yeah you love mulch. And, uh, and so i was coming back, uh, from there and i pull into the driveway and, um, you know i’m gonna unload this hall. Cause every time you go to Sam’s, you have to bring home, you know, a bunch of stuff. It’s just like, they force you to do it at gunpoint. Literally they have somebody walking around with a gun. SS officers walking around. Exactly. $50 minimum. And I’m like, Holy shit. Holy crap. Yeah, no. So anyway, every time I go in there, I swear to God, it’s like 50 bucks. Boom. at least minimum. Right. Yeah. Trunk full of stuff. And I get out of the car and I go around, you know, pop the back. I got a hatchback that I put on and I’m, I’m grabbing something out of the back of the car to take in. And I think it was some delicious Dr. Pepper zero. And I look and I’m like, what the,
is there a giant crack in my driveway? It’s like, it’s this huge, like five foot crack in my driveway. I’m like, that wasn’t there when I left. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I’m racking my brain here thinking that there must’ve been an earthquake or something to put this large crack in the concrete. I believe you have a five foot long crack. Yeah, I do. I appreciate that. Thank you. And lo and behold, it’s a snake. Oh, wow. This snake was at least five feet long. Five feet long. Stretched across my driveway. Wow. Yeah. And I’m like, holy hell. Have you ever seen one that big? Yes. Actually, I’ve seen one bigger, but not on my driveway. Yeah. I was at your house and we were doing this thing called two guys are going to talk about, nevermind. So, uh, my foot snake. And I was like, Oh my gosh. So now I have to walk past it to take all this crap in. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And so I’m like, Oh my gosh, you know, this,
I mean, I don’t know if this snake, I mean, obviously it’s probably not poisonous because it’s not, we don’t have a lot of poisonous snakes around here. Right. Typically, you know, poisonous snakes generally aren’t that big. Yeah. Yeah. So anyway, I’m like, holy moly. So I go, I take my first, I open the garage door. Hey, don’t go outside if you don’t want to see a giant snake. Right. and then everyone runs out. Yeah, everybody runs yeah Yeah, everyone runs versus snake yeah and then everybody’s yelling at me, don’t leave the garage door open it’s gonna get in the garage and i’m like no it’s not it’s not gonna get in the garage i mean this thing’s lazy. It’s just lazing out there. Somehow between when i left, which i just did the one errand, and then when i came back, he crawled out onto this, you know, I have a big
driveway. So you do. Yeah. This wasn’t like, you know, he just popped on there like in two seconds this took a little time. And so i’m trucking stuff in kind of keeping an eye on him. Right. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Good idea. Yelling at me not to let him into the garage and no daddies yeah exactly and they’re like, Holy moly, that’s a big effing snake. He got there and they’re taking pictures, you know? And they’re like, Kill it. I’m like, I’m not a snake killer. That’s not my style. Don’t kill it. No, they eat mice and ground squirrels. Don’t kill it. I’m like, just keep an eye on it so it doesn’t go in the garage. But, you know, I’ll, you know, I’ll try to scare it off, but I got to get all this crap in from Sam. I got to get my, my, you know, a hundred dollars Sam’s mortar in. That was first to purchase. I pulled onto the parking lot, you know, it’s like, they don’t charge for parking, but man, oh man, do they charge for, uh, everything else. So I get everything in and he’s still there. He’s making his way up to the garden. We have a front garden. Um,
don’t know what you call it. A front garden. I don’t know what you it’s flowers and things right so yeah right right yeah and so then my wife’s like, no, don’t let him go in the garden. I’m like, why? I’m like, I was going to go out there later today and weed. And I’m like, well, I don’t know what to tell you. He seems pretty, he’s heading right to the garden. I mean, it’s right there. And I think that’s where he’s headed. And so between my shuffling in and out, he did. He headed right into the garden. And she’s like, well, that fucks my day. My days. Yeah. I can’t weed in the garden now. There’s no way she regularly weed the garden this time of year. Yeah. She does do that. Right. Okay. You have poisonous snakes and, uh, and St. Louis, man. Uh, there’s a few copperhead.
Rattlesnakes, I think, are a little bit poisonous. I’m sorry. I’m just kind of catching up, man. I hear snakes as I come in the show, and I’m like, what the hell is Bob talking about, snakes? Yeah, snakes. But Miles asked me if that was the biggest one I’d seen. No. And I don’t know if I told this story or not. Maybe you tell me, Miles, if you’ve heard it before. So one time I was mowing the grass, and I have woods and whatnot. Part of the yard is woods. And I’m up by the woods mowing, and literally a snake is staring at me. I’m sitting on a lawnmower, and in the edge of the woods is a snake that is eye-to-eye with me and is all the way down onto the ground, like an S. Yeah. That thing was like a seven-foot snake because I was at least three and a half, four feet off the ground.
It’s looking at me and its body was going all the way down on the ground. Holy shit. Wow. And I, I swerved. I was like, Holy moly. And I was like, so that part of the yard didn’t get mowed that day. That reminds me of a story, man. I seen this thing on a tick tock earlier today where a dude is trying to Michael. Huh? That was pornography. Oh no, there’s no pornography. Oh, okay. Bob’s trying to derail the story. Go ahead. No, no, no, no. No, it reminds me of a story, man. You’re talking about a snake. I’m talking about a dude, man. He was trying to use the crosswalk. It was on this TikTok video. And across the crosswalk was an alligator. It was somewhere near Tampa. Yeah, yeah. And the alligator is not today, buddy. You’re not using this crosswalk.
Oh, my gosh. I couldn’t imagine having alligators just pop into your yard. Oh, gosh. Not be fun. Not be fun. Well, statistically, they say they statistically, right? I think they exist in the New York subway system. Oh, they don’t have alligators in the subway system. Do they? That’s what they said, man. I don’t know. I don’t know. Miles, have you ever heard this? I never said. alligator in the subway system. I lived in New York City before. They had movies about that. I think that was all made up. The snake threw everybody off. Everybody was off their game the day. Nobody wanted to go out in front anymore. That was the end of that for the day. You didn’t shoo him away? No, he went into the flowers and he hid underneath something and
Was he fast? No, it took him a while because he’s freaking five foot long. Later that day, I was outside doing, I cut up all the stumps and everything and I was moving stuff around and he come shooting out from the other side of the driveway at me. Then he went back in the garden. He was on the other side of the driveway away from the garden, and he came shooting out, and he went into the garden. Hey, Bob, he wants to be your friend, buddy. Oh, well, see, we have this ivy, and I swear to God, snakes live in the ivy. That and hornets, apparently. And I think he came out of the ivy, and he’s like, I think I’ll go over to the flowers for a while. I think that’s what it was about. It was just… He was bored. He was bored.
Did he love you long time? Yeah. I didn’t get that close. I don’t really, I’m not the, I’m not a snake guy. I don’t like snakes. I’ll walk around them and so forth, but I’m not going to be picking them up. I’m not like Britney Spears doing a dance or anything. Yeah. I was going to say that. Yeah. I hope you weren’t doing the weird dances that she does with knives. Oops. I did it again. I can see Bob doing a video with garden equipment. He’s got a hoe in his hand. Well, but yeah, so this snake’s got everybody. So nobody wants to weed the garden now. And so we’re kind of given a little time and then we’ll be back out there. But yeah, it was a little bit interesting. You should submit the video to the weird Aussie guy that makes the weird videos with animals. Yeah. Yeah.
I can’t remember his name. What was his name? I don’t know. But yeah, that was the big animal thing here recently. That was shocking. I have a picture somewhere, but it was… Yeah. They called me the snake. That’s right, ladies. Look at this little bugger. He’s trying to go into the guy’s garage. This crazy motherfucker. But, yeah, snake boy. I don’t know what I would be. But, yeah, it was just a little bit unnerving. A little bit unnerving. I don’t really like snakes. I think I might have hit it with my foot when I was getting out of the car. But I don’t have confirmation of that. All I remember is I hit something with my foot. I don’t know what it was. I didn’t think about it. And then I saw the snake. Were you wearing your Crocs? No. Well, I was wearing sandals because, you know, I don’t like to wear shoes. All right. Correct. I do not like to wear shoes. If I can get away with it, I’ll go barefoot, which I’m glad I wasn’t barefoot. Or I’ll wear sandals. And, yes, I don’t have Crocs anymore. I used to have Crocs, but I haven’t replaced them since the fire. Six years, I’m Croc-less. Okay. Here we go. Yeah.
Quit your whining, Tidal. You’re crockless or you’re cockless? Oh, hey now. Hey now. You’re talking about Miles Tidal there. No, crockless. I don’t have any of those stupid crock shoes anymore. Let’s go out and buy some. Well, I have been bequeathed with about 15 pair of sandals over the last… few years. I’m trying to get those worn out, to be honest with you. I probably still have at least two or three pair in the closet that have not been worn. I like sandals and then I just buy you sandals. I don’t know what’s going on. Bob, I was told if your feet are growing and you bought the wrong size mistakenly, you can actually Put it in boiling water, and it will actually decrease the size. Were you aware of that? Of your sandals? No, your Crocs. Oh, your Crocs. Yeah. What size? Size 12? I know. You’re the family of giants. Size 12 Crocs. They’re fine. I don’t know how big they make Crocs, but yeah, I think I had a size 12.
Your Lamed family are literally giants, Miles. Anything over six foot is considered a size. What size is your foot, Michael? I’m a size, it depends on the brand, but I range between a 10.5 and 11. Okay. Miles, where are you at on this? I’m a big 11. Yeah, that’s what I thought. You got big feet. I’m a big 11. I’m surprised. Usually heavyset people are like between an eight and nine. Really? Who said Miles was a heavyset person? What, are you talking about your mom? What? My mama’s in heaven. Don’t say that. Well, we don’t know that. That bitch could be in hell for all we know. I hope she’s looking down and she’s very happy with my accomplishments in life. The funny thing about Miles is he was not
everybody gets bigger as they get old. Well, most people. Not everybody. I shouldn’t say that. Some people get bigger as they get older. But Miles was not a big guy in college. He was a… I don’t know. He had a lot of gaveriches. Yeah. He bounced on his lap. It was good times. It was a good time. It was a good time. You know, Miles, my mother’s words once when she was alive, she says, you know what? You’re going to accomplish a lot in life, but don’t ever teddy something up. What’s that? What the fuck does that mean? Teddying something up means don’t fuck up. Oh, okay. Wow. Wow. Wow. Never heard that. Yeah. I thought a teddy was one of those long gray things. Yeah. Is that what she’s wearing? Don’t you wear it. Something like that. Don’t be wearing a teddy.
Don’t be wearing mommy’s teddy. I don’t know. I don’t know. Whatever they do in New York. So what’s up, Miles? Did you see any snakes? I did not see any snakes, no. I don’t know. You can come up here. You can traipse through the woods and probably see several. I was in there. What was that? I said they don’t have snakes where you’re at. They do. The post lady was telling me all about the one she saw, as a matter of fact. And you’re like, oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t zip up before I came out of the bathroom. No, I was talking to her about animals and she shared her snake story with me. I know you have a special bond with your male person. So. Male persons. Yeah. Male persons. Yeah. There’s three of them. So, uh, you know, my son had a birthday and he had some birthday cash and he started, uh, watch a bar. I, I,
I don’t know. I don’t want to say upscale store, but, you know, a store I would not go to because I don’t really buy new clothes necessarily. Tractor supply? It was not tractor supply. It was a little bit nicer than tractor supply, but yes, it was. Menards? Menards? It was a little bit nicer. It was actually a clothing store, actually. It was not actually, yeah. Do you think it was a tractor supply in Menards? Oh, I think you’re thinking of Tenton Awning, I think is what you’re thinking. Rural King? No, it’s more of a clothing store, actually. What the hell is a tractor supply? It’s a store. It’s a store. It’s like a hardware store. It’s for farmers. Yeah. You can buy all kinds of farm stuff there. Actually, I went into one about a year ago, and I swear to God, the manager was shadowing me the whole time. It was so weird. You look like a shifty…
I don’t know. I look completely out of place. Like, there’s no way this guy’s into farming. There’s no way. When I go to those places, they all look at me like I’m lost. I’m like, oh, somebody took the wrong turn off the highway. Uh-huh. Yeah. So, okay. So, anyway, he’s like, he was there. The son was buying some clothes and he’s got some kind of credit. Like you buy so much and you get some store credit and he’s working the system. He’s like, you know, Hey dad, I’m tired of your goodwill bullshit. You wear, why don’t you go buy yourself some slacks or something? You look like a punk, you know? Okay. What’s that? It’s some Sansa belt slacks or some, Hey, I go get some big boy grandimals or something. And I said, okay, I’ll go. And, uh, so I, I don’t know.
this really is kind of a fancy lad store for me. I don’t really go here. This is not really, you know, we’ll try, try on a couple of pair of pants here. Come here. Yeah. Let me measure in seam. Yeah. Yeah. Now my son did not measure my inseam. Which side, which side you, which side you go on dad. He’s like, don’t petty it up, dad. Don’t petty it up. And, uh, so I’m like, all right, so I go in and I go, you know, I’m in the changing room and I’m like, well, which one shows my ass better? This one. Oh my God. It was your ass. Well, I’m just saying, you know, it is sweet. I’m like, okay, well, you know, uh, I don’t know. I’m not crazy about either one. Right. Yeah. I walk out and he’s kind of, you know, standing there. I go, what do you think? What do you think? I’m like, ah, you know, not my style. I don’t really, you know, wear this crap. Mm-hmm.
He’s like, oh, well, okay. I don’t know if I hurt his feelings or something like that. So he’s like, well, what are we going to do with those stuff you tried on? I go, oh, there’s like a rack right here that says returns, and there’s like a bin underneath it. Yeah, just toss them in there. Yeah, I’m like, he’s like, oh, well, here’s the hangers. I hang up the hangers. So I’m like, well, fuck them. Let just someone, some jerk who works here fucking put them in there. And I toss it into the bin, and right then, a lady who works there comes walking right in between us. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. What are you doing, sir? Right on cue, I’m like, oh, fuck. I just lamented this one. Oh, shit. Fuck. They can hang these fuckers up. Oh. Let this chooch who works here, you know, freaking hang himself.
You’re such a jerk. Oh my, oh my God. Oh, and now like this lady’s like, just like magnetically, like around us or like the rest of the trip, you know? No kidding. She’s probably like, how many fricking oversized pair of pants does this fat ass going to try on? Yeah. She’s like, that’s so much more in the fucking bed. I’ll kick his ass. He’s like, I hope he wipes well. I got to pick that shit up. He’s wearing sweatpants for Christ’s sake. Yeah, I was wearing my gray sweats that you like. I knew you were. You’re such a slob. I love those gray sweatpants. The greasy stains on them. Yeah, I love wearing those. Oh, my God. They look like they were like a taco truck towel or something. Just people wiping up greasy shit all day and you’re wearing them.
don’t go away, right, Miles? I mean, you held on to these things for, what, about 11, 12 years? Yeah, I know. Some guy that was uh survived cancer like gave a bunch of like clothes to my niece she’s like, well, here, Uncle Miles, have these you know i’m like okay these are these are bit you you know like cancer clothing pants. I’m like, I’ll wear them, all right you have your cancer pants uncle yeah i’ll wear your friend’s cancer pants. i don’t care proud. I don’t care. These are nice. These are real nice. They’re comfy. Lots of room. I don’t care. You got my Bears boxers on and my cancer pants. Yeah. I rarely buy new clothes. I don’t really. Can you afford them at all? Come on. Other people buy them for me. I don’t really buy my own clothes. What’s the point? There’s no point for him buying clothes.
No, there is no point in me buying clothes. Wait, so Miles, you get all your clothes from the Goodwill? No, not necessarily. My mom buys a lot. Other people buy them for him. Other people buy them for me. Don’t you go to Walmart or Target or something? He goes to the Chess King. He’s the Chess King man. I go to Forever 21. Let’s go there. That’s a women’s clothing store. Well, yeah. What are you trying to say, Miles? Are you going to the other store? I’m going to… I didn’t want to… I didn’t want to teddy it up, you know. He’s got points at the restaurant. I’m going to… I don’t know. I can’t think of a clothing store as well. Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.
No, I know. This is weird, man. Please. Thank you. Yeah. I’ll have that. No, I don’t know. Yeah. I was very, I really wanted to leave after that. I was like, man. Yeah. You really, you know, you, you, you got this lady all pissed off at you for chucking these giant, you know, pants in there. Well, that wasn’t very surprised that they would have his size is that forever? 21. Well, that wasn’t my first up this week, though. That was like oh yeah, I was gonna say that’s probably No, it’s like No, I was like at a family gathering this weekend, just real quickly and uh i have like a pretty big family and stuff and uh my one niece has like three boys. They’re, you know i don’t know how old these kids are, but you know they’re not super old. I don’t know
Holy shit. Yeah. Oh yeah. There’s a lot of us. There’s a lot of it. And so anyway, we’re at this campfire and I thought this kid was like one of my niece’s sons. Right. And, uh, my niece is kind of a conservative person, I suppose. And, uh, which is fine. No, she’s not, you know, a nice kid and all that. But this kid has like, um, like there aren’t, but almost like diamond studs in each ear. Right. That’s nice. I thought, that’s kind of weird. I mean, I don’t care, but I don’t think my niece would probably allow that. I’m like, okay. So this kid was kind of next to me. Hey, what’s up with this? And the kid didn’t answer me. So, hey, kid. I go, what’s up with this? Hey, Barney. The kid kind of shoots me a look. And someone’s like, Uncle Miles, that’s not my son. Uh…
Oh, Oh, Oh no. You don’t even know anybody. This kid was just like, happened to be camping in the area. I’m like, Oh fuck. I thought it was one of your kids. Yeah. I was going to like razz the kid, you know, I was like, Oh shit. Yeah. You and your brother, you have no like, I thought it was one of her kids, you know, I was going to, you know, I don’t know. They all look alike. Huh? What? I said it was a lost boy from the woods. I guess. No, it was like a camping thing. I swear it was one of her kids. I was just going to razzle me a little bit. Mr. Miles, I’m looking for cashews and planters nuts. This poor kid just hanging out. He had some
There’s some guy in these greasy sweatpants who’s hassling me about my earrings. You can hassle your own relatives. He wasn’t, though. That’s the thing. He wasn’t your relative. No, I had no relation to this child. You can razz your own flesh and blood. I was just going to razz the kid. I don’t care if he’s got stud earrings or what the hell it is. I think that homeless man from Chicago is bothering me. I was going to give the kid a little bit of shit. Oh my God. Okay. Go tell your mom. My name’s Michael. Okay. If she asked mom, that guy who’s throwing all the, wearing all the pants and trying them all on at the store. That son of a bitch is camping here in his greasy sweatpants. Oh, my God. I had to wash all those clothes after he left. Oh, my gosh. That’s a horrible. Can you imagine what’s on his legs from those greasy sweatpants? It looks like he works in a lard factory for Christ’s sake. It’s been a rough week. Yeah, it’s been a rough week. Yeah, it’s been a rough week. Don’t forget about Forever 21 clothing. Yeah. Yeah. Well, yeah.

This Week

Welcome to LeMent Tonight with Bob LeMent on Plauzzable.com and his special guest, Suraj, in a unique alley cast format. After a lively introduction from Gary Lymes and some humorous banter, Suraj shares his experiences of moving from India to the U.S. and the cultural differences he’s encountered. He humorously discusses the mispronunciation of his name and the stark contrasts between American and Indian cultures, particularly regarding arranged marriages and social interactions. Suraj showcases his voice impressions of various characters, adding comedic flair to the conversation. The show also features playful segments where guests offer absurd advice on relationships and marriage, leading to entertaining exchanges. Overall, the episode blends comedy, cultural commentary, and engaging guest interactions, making for a lively and entertaining evening.

Suraj

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, everybody, and welcome to Lament Tonight. From an alley near you, this is Bob Lament and my special guest, Serej, tonight. I’m going to throw it over to Gary Lime. Yes, that’s right, Serej, right there. I’m going to throw it over to Gary Lime for the intro. Gary and the Flea Towns, please take it away. All right. Thank you, Gary. That was great. It’s great to be here tonight. This is the first alley cast, as we’ll call it here. I’m in the nondescript brick wall in an alley somewhere in St. Louis. Hopefully we’ll not have any of the police show up on us and break up the party. But, you know, to keep things moving, I’m going to turn it over to Suresh.
who’s going to entertain us here. Go right ahead, Suresh. Oh, thank you so much, Bob, for having me as your first guest on AliCast. Yes, I love that name. And as my friend Dobby from Harry Potter would say… They must lament. Thank you so much for that wonderful introduction. Thank you.
Or… Or as my friend Shaggy from Scooby-Doo would say, Like, like, Bob. That was a good introduction, Bob. Zoinks! Or as my friend SpongeBob would say, Bob. Oh, Bob, that was a fantastic introduction. Ah! There you go. You got some taste of some of my voice impressions. I did. Yeah, thank you. And I take your introduction any day over. Oh, he looks like he works at a 7-Eleven. No, I don’t. Or, hey, Suresh moved from India to the U.S., but after today, he’s going to be deported. No.
No, I’m not. I’m here legally. I’m a legal resident. Don’t worry. The current president of the U.S. will definitely not say, Siraj, I love Hindus, but we are deporting you back to India. India is an excellent country, but we have to deport you very soon. Okay? Okay. He’s definitely not going to say that with all the graveliness in his voice. Yeah. And the hairspray on his head, apparently, yeah. Yes, yes, yes. But, guys, it’s great news. I moved from India to the U.S., and it’s great because I get to enjoy American football, or as you guys call it, the Super Bowl. Yes. I can enjoy the Super Bowl in the U.S., but in India, all I could enjoy was a begging bowl. Is that official? Yes. If you have $5, please tip me. You can send it to at the rate AliCast on Cash App or Venmo or PayPal.
Whatever you like. But guys, I just have to say that my friends said that, Suraj, life in the U.S. will be easier for you. You get to be a part of AliCast while we can’t. No, they didn’t say that. But the point is, they said life will be easier for you. No, it’s not. It’s not, Bob or anyone watching, because everybody here mispronounces my name. Suraj. Yeah, it’s terrible. Suraj. Surage. As if I have an anger problem. Yeah. Like if you call me Surage, I will become Surage. Smash. Surage smash. Heck, the other day somebody pronounced my name as Surgery. Can you believe that? Surgery. I told him, no, it’s syringe, not surgery. Don’t complicate it. And then he was like, oh, sorry. I thought it was surgery, but okay, I’ll call you syringe. Now you know why I don’t have much hair on my head. I ripped it all off. But surgery and syringe, I told my family about it.
And you know what they said? Son, that’s the closest you’ll get to becoming a doctor. You should have studied harder. I know, right? Your dad. Yeah, it’s tough, I mean. But hey, for all the mispronunciations of my name, I can say it feels great to hear the correct pronunciation English words in the United States. Yes. It feels great to hear people say potato and not potato. It feels great to hear people say determine and not determine, which is absolutely wrong. If you say determine, you should go die in a landmine. That’s all I have to say. No, I’m just kidding. And finally, the most important part, Bob and everyone here, it feels great to hear people say dating and not arranged marriage. Oh, my goodness. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. But one thing I have to say, a couple of more things I want to say is over here in America, we refer to our uncle as
and aunts, kids as our cousins. Yes, you all know that, cousins. But in India, people tend to say cousin brother or cousin sister. Yes, they want to put a gender distinction to it. But I think that sounds pretty stupid because by this logic, am I supposed to call my uncle as cousin? Uncle Daddy? Hey, Uncle Daddy. What’s up? Yeah. Americans would be confused by my family tree if they heard that. And one thing I have to say, not just the pronunciation of my name, all American people, the mountain in Asia, in India, it’s pronounced Himalaya. Yeah. Not Himalaya. Not that ugly Himalaya. It’s Himalaya. There’s a flow. There’s a beauty to saying Himalaya. Inner peace. Om Shanti. When I hear Himalaya, that sounds like a drunken way of saying he wants to get laid. Yuck. No. Honestly, no.
Himalaya sounds like a terrible OnlyFans account. Yes. And on that, that’s been my set for tonight. Thank you, Bob, for having me. Let’s get on with the riff-raff. All right. Hey, thank you, Suresh. And I wanted to talk to
after the show about that arranged marriage. Who does the arranging? I was wondering. Who does the arranging? Yes, typically… You want an answer? Yeah, who does the arranging, honestly? Oh, in India, the arranged marriages are done by the parents, typically. Oh, okay. I didn’t know. You paid an arranger? They had the loan arranger over there who took care of things? No, no, no. It’s parents or sometimes even grandparents or that distant, nosy aunt or uncle who’s like, oh, Suraj is unmarried still? He is…
over the age of 30. What is this? And he’s having a receding hairline. Okay. Let me find a girl for him. All you need is a little spray paint there, Suresh. You’ll be all good. You can take care of that. No problem. I don’t know how you match your color, but if you go to the Krylon section of the hardware store, I’m sure they’ve got something that’s close. You said Krylon? Yeah. Yeah. Is that where people go and cry after doing a terrible spray job? They spray their heads. Exactly. Exactly. Well, Srej, thanks. We’ve got to go to a quick commercial, and we’ll be right back. This is not a real commercial, Ian, just so you know. Well, it is a real commercial, but it’s not exactly a commercial. Here we go. Yeah.
Comedy combat is here. Pablo Lewin’s roast battle. Uncensored. Unapologetic. Hilarious. Watch comedians obliterate each other with killer jokes. Stream it now on plausible.com. Search Pablo Lewin’s roast battle. You can’t handle the truth, but you’ll love the laughs. There you go. Pablo Lewin’s roast battle every week. Reg has won that a couple of times. There you go. Go Pablo. i have to mess with my optics there because they were backwards for some reason. So we’ll, we’ll deal with that. I wasn’t expected. Wasn’t expected at all. But, uh, just a second. I think gary’s got another, another song for us. Gary, is that right over there one two three four All right. That’s enough, Gary. We’re going to get hit with some kind of copyright thing if we keep going any further. All right. Now we’re at the point in our show where actually we’re going to invite our guest, Suresh, and his arranged marriage, along with his can of what I would call kind of a dark chestnut Krylon, and play a game called Ask Not. And what we’re going to try to do is get some advice from people, but we don’t want you to give the
Best advice. We want you to give the worst advice. The worst advice. Yeah. So I’ll ask a question and we’ll get the worst advice from you. So we’ll start with you, Suresh, right? So let’s just keep on the subject of arranged marriages, right? Yeah. So if you get stuck in an arranged marriage, how would you get out of it? Oh, the best way to get out or sorry, the worst way to get out of an arranged marriage is you’ve got to rub her feet. Yes, rubbing it. Keep rubbing it. Yes. Even when she wants to take a bathroom break, follow and hold on to that feet. Rub it, rub it, rub it, massage it, massage it, massage it till her feet feel numb.
And then she’s like, oh, no, I’m tired of this marriage. You’re numbing me. You’re numbing my senses. Get away from me, Suraj. I’m not really sure what the foot rubbing has got to do there. I’m trying to figure that out, honestly. Is this something that people in India not like to get their feet rubbed or what’s going on with that? Oh, people in India, they really don’t want their feet rubbed. Really? No. Instead, if you’re trying to please someone, you should just touch their feet and put your hand on your forehead. Yes. That’s considered seeking their blessings. I kid you not. No foot rubbing at all. No, no foot rubbing. That’s bizarre because I would. I mean, literally, within the last 30 minutes, I was rubbing my wife’s feet. And how did that go? Well, I’m here now. Yeah, she cast you away in the alley. Maybe there’s something to these Indian traditions that I’m not hip to, apparently. But I thought maybe it would be something good, right? Yeah.
But I gave you the worst advice. Do you want the best advice? Okay. No, I don’t. Let’s just ask not. We don’t want any good advice. Come on. I’m just ribbing you. I mean, who am I to give best advice? Well, I don’t know. Maybe best place to buy a Trump wig? Maybe. I don’t know. So how about Leanne there in the audience? Would you do an astronaut for us? Yeah. Okay. How can you be the most supportive to your partner without stifling their independence? Is this the worst answer? Yeah, the worst advice. I would tie myself to them. But facing the other way. So they don’t feel I’m breathing. Wait a minute, like back to back? Is that what you’re saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because then I can remain partially in control without really smothering them. Okay. It sounds like some kind of hostage therapy, if you ask me. Yeah, I think it’s an excellent technique. Okay, we’re going to pretend we’re hostages and we’re tied back to back.
Yeah, I did. My first two marriages were clinical trials. Wow, that’s good to know. We have Steve also here. Steve in the audience. I don’t know, Steve, are you there? Yeah, I’m listening. I got my ears on. Do you want to give us the worst advice for a question? It’s like Mr. Potato Head. The worst advice for… I’m going to ask you a question, and you’re going to give us the worst advice answer to this question. Oh, I’m good at that. Oh, okay. Well, there. You’re a natural. Steve’s a natural at this. Yeah, man. How can your relationship be a source of strength to help each other in your journey? It could be a source of strength to help destroy each other, to rip each other, to decimate each other. Oh, my gosh. How would you accomplish this? I mean…
Leanne’s got, you know, strapping herself with zip ties back to back. What’s your strategy there? Mind power or masochism. Is that your latest book? No, true story. My wife came home. She was having an affair. She told me that that night she screwed her boyfriend and I didn’t want to punch her in the face. And so I just opened up a beer, and I started punching myself in the face, and she threatened to call 911 on me. Is it a true story, Steve? Yes. That’s a horrible story. I walked around muttering. My family found out about she was having a baby because I was walking around muttering. I couldn’t control myself. I was walking around having imaginary arguments with this guy who was fucking my wife. Oh, my gosh. That sounds like a sequel to Fight Club.
Yeah, well, it sounds a bit like Yosemite Sam on the sauce. So punching your own face repeatedly, I’m assuming. Yeah, just to take away the pain. People with issues, like people cut themselves. It distracts yourself from your mental pain. Yeah, I’ve never heard of anybody being a puncher. I’ve heard of them being a cutter, a pincher. You know, other types of self-mutilation. I’ve never heard of a puncher. Maybe you’ve got a new thing. I used to beat myself up in college and I’d get drunk and I’d put on shows in my room and I’d beat the shit out of myself. My gosh, Steve. That is the worst advice, I will say. That is very, very bad advice. How do you like them apples? That’s fantastic. I cannot believe we got such horrible advice tonight from everyone.
Give yourselves a round of applause. Yay, everybody! Hit that applause button at the bottom of your screen, please, a couple times for yourselves. Can you do that? Yeah, you can do it. I can’t hit it. There we go. So, Saraj, as a child, so you were in India. You were back and forth, right? Yeah. I’ve known Suraj for all of 35 minutes. And I already know that he was living in India, in the United States, and then went to India and then lived back in the United States. Perfect. So tell us, you know, having an adolescence that’s interrupted by international travel, how did that feel? Oh, that was… That was really eye-opening, Bob, for me, because the shift from American school culture to the Indian school culture, the shift from wearing a Tasmanian devil T-shirt any day to class to wearing a plain white button-up uniform. Yes. I know, right? My Tasmanian devil shirt cried.
Missing me. Missing the warmth of my body. Did you take it with you to India or did you leave it and stay in a drawer in the United States? No, I took it with me. But the problem is over there, somebody looked at my shirt and said, ooh, nice rat. And I’m like, no, it’s not a rat. They clearly didn’t know who it was. Oh, okay. They mistook the Tasmanian devil for a set of boobs? I hope not. Was it like some kind of Bigfoot breast thing going on there? I don’t know what’s going on with that, Harry. There you go. Good one. There’s no like India. I just want to go back to America. I like that you do the arm movements because you can’t spin, so you are…
Using your arms to simulate spinning. There you go. That’s better. Yeah. Now you just look like you’re dancing in the eighties. So, so Reg, so then you came back to the United States and I believe you went to college in the United States, even though you went to high school. No, you didn’t go to college in the United States. India. Oh, I thought you came back earlier than that. So what’s the, what’s the difference in college life between, In India versus the United States. Oh. Or America. From what I know and what I have seen, I can say that in India, it’s very academic oriented, like all about marks, scoring, like top grades, everything. And you talk to your classmates. I’ll tell you, you have two kinds of classmates. Some of them who are your close friends, close buddies.
And then the ones you contact once a semester just to find out what are their marks. And then never talk to them again. Really, you compare grades. You’re like, it’s not conquest or arranged marriages. It’s what are your grades? Yes. I want to know what you got because I want to be better than you in that department. Seriously? Seriously. Yeah, I’m not kidding you. No wonder they lead the world in everything. Come on. Let’s be honest. I know. We’re dying over here from incompetence, and India leads the world. And one of my classmates, she actually noticed it. She pointed it out. She was saying, hey, you only hit me up on Facebook whenever you want to ask about my marks. My grades. And then I’m like, okay, I’ll make an effort to chat with you more. But hey, she made the move. Oh. So…
Now, did she ever ask you just about your grades or was she interested in arranging something? She was interested in roasting me and calling me a chili, a coconut head every now and then. Oh, OK. Well, now with your new hairdo, you kind of look like a coconut. So now this is something I just learned recently because my son taught me is in the United States. Uh, Indian, um, students like who come over from india to go to school here, uh, share apartments, but they’re, um, mixed, uh, so they’re both, you know, men and women share an apartment, but there’s no like boyfriend, girlfriend or anything. Or no situationships. Yeah, exactly. Nothing’s going on. It’s just there. And they’re like all live in this apartment together. Uh-huh.
Now, are you aware of this? I’m assuming you are, but is it a cultural thing or what’s the deal with that? Yeah, it’s a pretty cultural thing. I mean, of course, you have hormone-raging Indians who are keen to do such a thing when they’re here. Because back in India, you don’t have that option. It’s scandalous. You have to stay… I thought it was normal. That’s why I was asking about it. No, they’re just hormone-raging and they want to… Take advantage of being in this country. No, because my son knows quite a few Indian students and his friends. And it’s more than one apartment. I mean, it’s not like Three’s Company. It’s just one apartment. This is like Three’s Company across the whole apartment building. Oh, okay. I’m giving an old reference for Leanne because she loves it when I talk about Three’s Company. Yeah, that’s very interesting.
It’s very interesting because I’ll tell you back in India, not only is it like gender specific, like guys share rooms or apartment with other guys and girls likewise, but in some places you stay in places called hostels or PGs, paying guests. I know in America, when we say paying guests, it’s like staying with a family who will host you in a room and you can have food with them and stuff like that, use their facilities. uh, while paying rent. But in India, if you say paying guest, that’s not the same thing. It’s basically another, uh, synonym for hostile. Oh, okay. So it’s like you’re renting or whatever. You’re not, you’re not, you know, the guest part is, is just to be nice. It’s the pain part that matters. Yes. Yeah. You have to pay. We emphasize on the P not on the G. Not on the G. Now I, I,
I have another weird question for you because my son was taken to an authentic Indian restaurant recently. But it was in a strip mall and it had no signage to tell you that it was a restaurant, let alone an Indian restaurant. Leanne, this is interesting stuff. I can tell you’re perked right up. You’re like, what? That sounds very shady. Does it? No, apparently there’s multiple ones here in St. Louis. I was wondering if you’ve ever encountered that, you know, around your neck of the woods. No, I mean, in my neck of the woods, there would be a clear display or a board. But I would tell you that sometimes that display of the board is not, like, so visible. Like, you have to go close enough to the store, then you’ll be like, oh, Raja…
Raja Rani restaurant. Okay. No, no. This is literally like a doctor’s office and you just open the door and it’s a restaurant. It looks like your dentist in a strip mall and you open the door. It’s a giant restaurant like taking up three, you know. So what will you have for dinner, Mr. Bob? Chicken curry? he said it was great so i i have not been invited. So I think you have to be invited. I think it’s kind of exclusive so these restaurants you mean? Yeah, yeah. No. I think so. I think so what it’s like it’s like you have to know. Oh, wow. I thought maybe that was more widespread. That’s why i thought i’d ask you the question. But apparently, maybe it’s uh maybe it’s time you moved it moved to kansas City.
maybe it’s time not time to change, right? Yeah, St. Louis, it’s time for you to exclude it. There you go so uh siraj i mean it’s been great having you here as a guest. I want to leave uh the show tonight with uh how about two more impressions of your favorite cartoon characters? Two more impressions of my favorite cartoon characters. Okay. Let me just recall. Sometimes I blank out on the characters, but let me just see. Okay. He’s going to have to look at his old Instagram reel and remember what he did. You’re seeing my glasses, aren’t you? Yes, I am. Okay. They’re my Suresh prompter. I know. Okay. To sign off, here is my Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars. Okay. Oh, God, I’m laughing just thinking about him. Okay. Bob, thank you so much. Thank you so, so much for having me. Okay. And then, of course, my Steve Urkel. Did I? Wait.
Did I do that? They both qualify. Urkel had a cartoon. I’m wearing you down, baby. I’m wearing you down, Bob. Now, can you do Steve Urkel? Oh, Stefan Urkel. Stefan, I’m sorry. Yeah, Stefan Urkel. I don’t know. It would be something like Stefan. Stefan Urkel. My pretty love. Something along those lines. That’s very good. I put you on the spot. You pulled it out. Like he has to be like really smooth. Like Laura, Laura, my beauty. Like in that tone. And then I saw, I saw Suresh that you’re doing, you’re going to be doing a show. You want to tell everybody about that? Doing a show. I mean, I don’t, Did a show, actually. Oh, did I miss it? I saw it on the socials. I thought it was coming up. Oh, yeah. So as of now, I don’t have any shows. It’s very random and on, and I just work on my craft guys. But, yes, I recently did a couple of Indonesia-based shows, and we had folks from Indonesia, Malaysia, India, around the world who were just tuning in to watch us perform and do some stuff.
Comedy. So did you do it in english you do it in English. English? All English? In fact, it’s called coming uh which is a portmanteau or a combination of the words comedy and English. coming so yeah i that went right past me when you said it. I did not catch that at all. That must be another one of these exclusive things. I’m telling you. I know, right? Everybody watch out for Suresh. He does all kinds of impressions, and he also does shows, obviously. And what was that kooky word you just made up? Calming. In calming, yeah. It’s kind of like Esperanto, but less Canadian, more English. It’s more like, I don’t know, someone who can’t say, I’m coming, and it’s like, Coming. I don’t know like like maybe maybe that’s what jim carrey would say. I’m coming. Yeah, there you go. I’m coming. Exactly. Well, hey, does anybody in the audience have a show coming up they want to jump on, plug, say something? I’m looking at Steve. Steve is going to be punching his own face oh that’s the yuck yuck Hut. I’m going to an open mic tonight, right?
And it’s called Comedy College. Oh, really? Yeah. It’s across the street from the University of Nevada, Las Vegas. They call it Comedy College, Comedy 101. Well, if I would have advice for you, I’d say find some Indian girls because they live in a crazy mixed-up apartment with all kinds of hijinks happening. There’s no Indians here in Las Vegas. I come from New York. It was saturated with Indians. There’s a shortage of Indians here. Really? Yeah, they just come here as tourists. They don’t come as tourists. The Chinese people come as tourists. I don’t know where the Indians are. Syringe is my first Indian. Good call back. Well, Leanne, you don’t want to talk about anything? No, I’m good. This one. Okay. I want to give everybody equal opportunity before we close up the show. Thanks, everybody, for being here on Plausible Tonight.
And join in the alley cast here on Lament Tonight. And we’ll try it again as we do a few more things. Gary, you want to take away with our closing song? Bob, you are a great asshole. Thank you, Gary. I know we love each other. Exactly. Take it away, Gary.

Bad AI Transcript

Well, yeah, I’m in Canadian. I’m in Celsius, but it’s 14 Celsius, whatever that is in Fahrenheit. I think you just double it. Double it? There you go. Okay, that’s good. I think you double it. For Fahrenheit, you double it net 12. See, not only are you fun to talk to on the screen, but you’re super smart with math. I just made that up. Okay, that’s good. I like it. I’ll go with it. Okay. Hey, everybody, and welcome to this conversation with Dave from True Media Solutions in Canada. Dave’s got a bunch of different shows. You want to tell everybody what your shows are, Dave? Oh, how long is the podcast, Bob? We’ve got about five minutes. We’re good. Okay, five minutes. We’re good. Yeah, a bunch of shows. I have a podcast for dads called Dad Space. I have a How to Podcast series. Teachers Podcasting. Bob has been a great guest on there. Unauthor Podcasts.
So many great things. Wow. And I just love podcasting. I think I do six to ten episodes a week, Bob. Really? Yeah. And it’s all here at truemediasolutions.ca. Not to be confused with any other C that’s in the internet world. Yeah, CA is because I’m in Canada. Right, yeah. Well, hey, I mean, you can get the other ones, can’t you, up there? I mean, they’d like to do that. Yeah, sometimes it’s expensive, but yeah. Yeah, but I was going to say, but you like to have the Canadian branding these days is much more valuable. There you go. I would say, I don’t know, maybe people have their opinion on it, but I’m not sure. But you do a bunch of the now, I mean, do you do other stuff as well? Because I’m assuming that you don’t just do shows all day, right? You do other things too. I’m a musician. I’ve been doing music for 45 years. I am old.
But, yeah, then I also have a job. I have a night job. I work overnights. So I listen to podcasts where I work. I get away with it, and I love listening to shows. You get away with it. Yeah. This is a secret. Yeah, don’t tell anybody. This is not being recorded, right, Bob? Yeah. No, not at all. No, not at all, no. Yeah, that’s not the purpose of this poll process. So, yeah, no, that’s great. So, I mean, it’s fantastic. So then how did you – when did you jump on the bandwagon, I guess, is what I’m curious about. Because you’re really invested at this point. And so at some point, there was a time where you’re like, you know what? This might be fun. I was doing editing for podcasters here and there prior to the global event, which we will leave at that. And I wasn’t podcasting at that point, but I was editing for people. I have all the equipment because I’m a musician.
to do editing and recording and i’d have rehearsals here in my house, send back recordings of the rehearsal to the band so they could hear what we were doing together. So I was already doing it. I had all the gear. I’m like, well, why don’t i just do this? I love podcasts as a listener. So I’m going to start. So just before the global event, I started creating my shows and one show became nine. So now i have a lot. That’s hilarious. So that’s fun, though. I find, to be honest with you, I find over the years that a lot of musicians do this. I mean, this is like almost a stereotype. The fact that I’m not a musician, I am the outlier on all this kind of stuff. Because even in the early, early days, a lot of people who were involved with this were all, you know,
involved in music in some way, shape or form. I think that had to do with, like you said, with having all the equipment and, and kind of having a certain level of knowledge that makes it a lot easier. Right. Yeah. Yeah. So, but I do find that incredibly interesting that, I mean, like probably, you know, seven or eight times out of 10, if I ask somebody, they’ll, Oh yeah, I’m also a musician. Right. And I do this. And I’m just like, go for it. I mean, that’s wild, don’t you think? I mean, I actually came to it from being very interested in radio, which is gone now, I mean, pretty much. I mean, there’s radio, but it’s not the same as what it was, right? So that’s where my angle that I came in on is like, oh, this is like radio that I can do.
Okay, well then I’ll do that. Yeah, if you have a creative bent or you’re just a creative person writing art, music, this is just a natural progression, I think. As I watch you, Bob, the blue cat, I see creativity just oozing from you and how you do your shows. Those are freckles. Those are freckles? Okay. I love how creative you are and how you do your show. I just think that if you’re a creative person, podcasting might be something you might be interested in. That’s fun. So now let me ask you this. So when you were a kid, right? Cause especially with people involved in music, I think are more prone to this. Did you ever just record yourself on a cassette or something? And I mean, no one ever heard it, but you went through and did a show on your old cassette recorder. Yeah. When I was dating my wife, which is quite a while ago,
Um, she went on a trip, a road trip and I wasn’t able to go. So I made her like the mixtape, you know, the mixtape. Oh yeah. The mixtape. But I also added in like, added in like, like talk shows and commercials. And I’m like between the songs, I made my own radio show back with like cassettes back in the day. So yeah. Yeah. I’ve been doing this for quite a while. Yep. One of my, uh, when I was a kid, uh, I was a kid, but probably like, you know, uh, pre-teen kind of time period. The best gift i ever got was a dual cassette system so i had it lp you know played records and then it had dual cassette radio and all that kind of stuff. Um, it was, that was probably one of the best gifts that i ever got. Um, because, well, first of all, I stole music. Unfortunately, that’s probably not the best thing to say but
i did. All my friends and i would, you know, whoever had what album, we would, we would make cassette copies. But, um, but then the other thing was, is then you could do, you could do minor production, right? Because you had a way to play something and then it record you know, and you could plug a microphone in and you could do a voice over over the top of the music, you know, and play dj and what have you. That was just so much fun. I remember, you still remember vividly, um, you know, hours of, of kind of goofing around and putting together, well, I guess it would be hours, probably about 45 what’s how much is the side of a regular cassette? 45 minutes, 60 minutes yeah yeah so something like that. And, uh, it was just a great fun. So your journey is probably not that far off. It sounds like. No. And I think,
Those mixtapes were like our love letters to our girlfriends at the time. And podcasting can be a love letter today without having to flip it over after 30 years, right? Right. That’s funny, kind of a quick story. So there’s a new show on Max or HBO Max or whatever the heck they’re calling themselves these days called Duster. And it’s set in the 70s. And he has a Duster vibe. a Plymouth Duster. And he pops in an eight-track tape. It’s all fast editing and so forth. And the song is playing. I go, that was great. I mean, it really kind of gives you the taste of the time. I go, except for the fact that you didn’t hear the click in the middle of the song whenever it changed tracks. Right. Yeah. Always the best song on an eight-track seemed to have to split a track.
I don’t know why that was at the time, but, uh, I was always like, I was like, yeah, that was good. Other than the fact that the song kind of played all the way through and it wouldn’t probably wouldn’t have in reality, it would have been like, you know, Oh, Barracuda have all the clicking and everything. Um, so people don’t, I mean, that’s this in this day and age, people have no concept of, uh, you know, uh, even the slightest inconvenience of those kind of things back in the day that you put up with to have your music. Did you have any 8-track experience? I was really young. My brother was an 8-track aficionado. He’s older than I am. Those things weren’t easy to transport around either. They took up a lot of room in the front seat of the car, right? No, no. You had to steal a lot of milk crates to take all your 8-tracks with you.
I think we’re confessing to a lot of things here on the episode today. Oh, wait. Yeah, right. Wait a minute. Again, we’re not recording this. We’re fine. Sounds good. The statute of limitations is way past due on this. We’re fine. We’re fine. If Metagold wants their milk crates back, God help them. I don’t know where they’re at, to be honest. There’s a link in the show notes. Reach out to Bob. He’ll be happy to get your email. He’ll be happy to make restitution at any point. Yes. But no, it… it’s funny though, that, uh, all these kind of things. And I mean, it, in hindsight, as we’re looking back at all these, it lines up perfectly. It’s almost like, you know, a pool, a straight pool shot into the pocket where you have all these kids doing these things. And then as the progression of technology hits, it all lines up to say, this is what you can do. This is where it’s going yeah but you know, everybody, you know, now, um,
You get people pontificating, well, how come this is so popular? And how come this is so that? And I’m like, I don’t know. If you look back, it seems like a pretty simple, you know, 100 million step process. And we got there. Right. Yeah. And what I love about podcasting is you don’t need permission to do any of this stuff. You don’t need to have a team. You can do this on your own. You don’t need a radio signal. You don’t need a studio. None of that stuff, right? Anyone can hear their voice. And that’s why I love that part of it. Well, and that, jumping up to today now, I’m really jumping around here today, but jumping up to today when you when you look at things online, they tell you you do need all that they don’t need a radio signal, but you do need a team, you need this, you need that. And I’ve always joked uh here over the last, well, you said the global event, I’ll say the global event since the global event
i’ve always joked, I said, you’ll make way more money selling something to a podcaster than you will podcasting because that seems to be the trend, right? Right. Everybody’s selling, oh, you gotta have, you know xyz um if you want a podcast, you gotta have, you know, all of your uh you know, branding done professionally and all this kind of stuff what what’s your take on i mean obviously you kind of alluded to it already, but But the ancillary stuff for podcasting, what’s your take on that? Everybody seems to want a little bit of that podcast money from us as podcasters. I’m getting emails all the time. For this amount of money, I can do this for you. And again, as a solo creator, A, I don’t have the money to invest in everything that I would love to see. But B, I love the creative process. People say I hate editing. I love editing. I love the craft of editing and make something creative.
sound great. I love fixing things. I get people reach out to me. They’re like, I got terrible audio from my guests. What can you do? That makes me happy. I’m like, I want to go in there and see what i can do to make that better. Right. So I, that lights me up. So anytime i can do stuff like that makes me happy. That’s, that is great. I mean, this is uh i i have edited, uh, many times over the years and i’ve become one of these people who is, uh, avoids editing now, right? As I’ve gotten older, I avoid it. And so, but the weird thing is, is that at least my proficiency in producing has risen with my desire to not edit. So that works out pretty well, I think. But yeah, editing is always one of those chores sometimes. And it kind of depends. I mean, everybody, I think,
This media, we can call it a media at this point, I think. It’s definitely a bona fide media. It’s really becoming the training ground for people to learn how to speak publicly again. I think that there was a time prior to this where if you wanted to do any kind of public speaking or anything, you had to go take some kind of correspondence course or whatever. go to your local college and do classes and so forth. But now with this, anybody with the inclination can get on and essentially develop that skill. And I think that’s kind of interesting. It’s kind of a feature that nobody knew was gonna be written into the software. you know, and it’s just happened just i mean you said you were a musician, so you had to have some amount of that, uh, anyway, if you’re gonna play in front of people and so forth, but not in kind of a long form conversation though, would you say yeah yeah yeah i think there’s so many great tools to help you these days, but just getting on the microphone and you’re going to be a better person in the process of doing anything creative, writing a book
creating a podcast, making music, it’s going to change you over time and you’re going to improve to the point maybe we don’t have to do as much editing, which is great because then that transfers in public to a stage. When you stand in front of a group of people, you don’t have the opportunity of having somebody take out your ums and ahs in a live setting. Nobody’s off the side of the stage editing you in real time. You’re you. So if you rely too much on the editing and you never become better as a human or a blue cat, You will never develop to the point where some of these things become, it becomes easier over time as you do more and more of this. Yeah. When would you say was the first time that you had to get up in front of a group of people and, you know, gather their attention and be the show? Many of the times in my career in the past, I’ve had to either lead a team or speak in front of a group of people and
And I never felt really prepared for that. You don’t do it often in whatever role you’re in, unless you’re in media or some kind of content creation, you’re doing a typical job like with everybody else. And when everyone’s attention turns and looks at you, you melt inside for a second. You’re like, I don’t have the skillset to do this in the moment. But again, going back to it, the more you do it, the better. Yeah. I can remember speaking in front of a high school as a guest speaker and And there’s like 200 students who have the attention span of a grape looking at you going, I don’t care what this guy has to say. What were you talking about? I was there talking about kind of a motivational talk to these kids. And all the teachers are lined up against the back wall of the auditorium. So I’m not only talking to the kids, I’m talking to the teachers, principals there. And so what I did is I brought a box of cereal and it had a toy inside.
And I reached into the box, and I pulled out the toy, and I’m like, so I brought a gift for all the students. You’re going to have to share this because you only have one. And so I handed it to somebody in the front seat, and they started passing it around. But we probably got enough cereal for everybody to have a piece. Yeah, everybody gets one piece of cereal and one toy to share. But that kind of broke the room up and made it a little bit more like, oh, this isn’t too typical. boring speaker. I thought for a minute you were going to eat the cereal. Just stand there and eat it. You get a half gallon of milk. You get a bowl. You’re just going to, okay, guys, this is the breakfast talk. It’s a performance art in that moment. That’d be great. Read the room. Figure out how you can serve them and don’t come in with one focus saying I’m going to do it this way. Your audience is always different. Just read the room.
That’s great. So do you have a favorite of your shows, your cadre of shows that you have? There’s one of them you’re like, you know, this is the show. This is my favorite show. I love doing this show. I know I’m putting you on the spot. Yeah, it’s tough because like they’re all my favorite. Otherwise, I’d probably scrap them. Living the Next Chapter podcast is an author show. And that I’ve been doing for three years. I’ve got 570 episodes in three years, three a week. And then every November, we have a challenge for podcasters to do a daily episode in November. So for the last three years, I’ve been doing 30 in a row every November as well. Oh, my gosh. Yeah, that’s ridiculous, right? That’s a bit much, I would say. Yeah.
So that’s a fun one. I’ve had a lot of great guests on that. My life gets on me whenever I do more than two in a week. So, you know, I’m just saying. I don’t know where you’re sleeping, but it may be the couch. I don’t know. Well, again, it’s a good thing this isn’t being recorded. No, that’s fun, though. That’s fantastic. Now, you have books as well, right? You’ve written a book, haven’t you? I’m in the process of writing a book at this moment. I remember you mentioned that somewhere. Yeah. Yeah, I have a dad space podcast where we talk to dads about dad stuff. So I’m taking my content and taking all the transcriptions and then reworking them into an actual book. And I’ve got 180 episodes in that show. So a lot of great stuff. And I’m like, it’s great that it lives in a podcast, but I think it could easily be transferred over to a book and help even more people. So that’s kind of where I’m going with that. And as far as the book process, what…
How’s it going and how are you pulling that all together? I mean, that’s in itself a big, big project. I mean, most people just say, okay, my only project other than living is I’m going to write this book, right? Right. Yeah. And I have new episodes all the time. So I’m going back in time and capturing what I’ve done, but I’m also capturing what’s coming at the same time. So my wife and my daughter are helping me. by grabbing the transcriptions for all the episodes, combining them together, grouping them by topic so that I can then use that as a foundation for my chapters. So I would suggest for anybody that is writing a book. I have a wife and a daughter, apparently. I do have a wife. Yeah, I do. I have three kids. Yeah, yeah. I would suggest anybody who wants to write a book, if you think about writing it in real time in front of an audience, each episode could become the basis of a chapter of your book. And then people can listen to you write the book
in real time and then celebrate the book launch with you at the end of the podcast. It’s kind of a cool idea do you have a do you have a time the launch time for yourself set or do you, is it kind of a fluid? It’s probably going to take me enough time this year with all the other stuff going on. That’ll probably be early next year that i’d be ready to get that in the world. Yeah. Do you, do you know what you’re going to call it yeah are you just going to call it the same as a podcast? I don’t know. Like, The general crux of the book idea is around something that happened to me when my oldest was born. I’m in the hospital with a doctor. My wife’s ready to give birth to my son. And the doctor looked at me and said, you know, nobody’s going to catch you if you pass out. So you’re on your own here. That’s always comforting, right? That’s right. That’s nice. We’re all here for your wife, which I appreciate. That’s why we’re all here. But the doctor then said to me, there’s nobody here for you.
And at the moment, Bob, that didn’t really connect with me the way it did the next day. Because everybody, all my family had gone home. My wife is resting. I’m holding my son. And all I could think of was there’s nobody here for you. And I’m like, then I’m like getting really scared. I’m like, that’s true. No, there is nobody here for me. I don’t know what I’m doing. And I’m going to mess this up. Without a net. Right. I need that support. So that’s why I created the podcast. But I think there’s a book idea in there, too, about the dads that feel like there’s no one there for you when there actually is. So here’s some stories from dads. Here are some life lessons that can help you navigate becoming a dad and be the resource that I needed in that moment. So that’s kind of my focus. That’s scary. And that’s kind of a – I mean, it was probably good that they mentioned it to you so that you didn’t –
you weren’t expecting anything right you know let’s everybody just be transparent. Guess what? You’re on your own, buddy. If you feel like faint or lightheaded, get out of the room because we’re doing work here yeah we got something um but it’s kind of kind of really um you know a biting statement there. It really is quite harsh yeah um the way that the you delivered it there is like, oh, well, no pun intended with that one, by the way, delivering When my first kid was born, and I did this story for our show, I was so incredulous that they kept throwing everything on the floor, like all the wrappers of everything. I was picking them up. And I joke with my wife, I’m like, I should be making at least minimum wage today. Because I’m doing clean as you go. They’re throwing stuff everywhere.
i’m picking everything up. I’m putting it in the trash can you know i i am earning my keep. Yeah. I mean, besides the breathing and the, you know, all that stuff yeah but she uh i think she just told me to be quiet. Yeah. No. Yeah. And I just couldn’t believe it. I was like, I can’t believe they’re just throwing stuff everywhere. There’s a perfectly good trash can right over here in the corner. This is a great idea. I should come up with something I’m going to take care of all this trash. So, yeah, because I couldn’t do anything else. Yeah. I was there, you know, but, you know, I needed something to do. I couldn’t just hang out. So I put myself to work, but then I felt like I deserved, you know, something, maybe some coupons for the cafe or something. They’re probably wondering the whole time, who let this blue cat into the room? That’s right. What is going on here? What’s this cat cleaning up for? Yeah.
We don’t worry about that. Yeah, no, that’s right. But that’s interesting. But you said you have several children, but only one of them really has an interest in the book. Is that something that they themselves want to do, or is it punishment? I mean, where are we going with this? They’re voluntold. They’re going to help me with this, for sure. Okay. Okay. But the other kids, they don’t… Where’s your kids at in all these creative endeavors? Are any of them at the hip or are they all like, yeah, whatever? Some of them are cool. Some of them are like, well, whatever you’d like to do, go do that. But they do listen, which is interesting to hear their dad talk about being a dad to your kids and your kids are listening to your stories. I love the fact that podcasting is also…
a form of legacy for me too, to get on there, share my stories. My kids can listen to this. It’s, it’s kind of rewarding to get on there and capture that. I tell you, Bob, Mike, I lost my dad a long time ago. I’d give anything to be able to press play and hear his voice anytime I wanted. I love that. I love that. And so that’s another bonus of podcasting. You’re right. You know, that is an interesting statement. And I, that’s something that I’ve thought about as well is, So my father was a fairly quiet person. He passed away a few years ago. But every once in a while, he just let out a zinger. But none of that’s captured, right? And so this whole idea of what we’re doing now wasn’t part of the past. And so I don’t know that he would have been interested in it.
But I always wished at some point that I had kind of, you know, somewhat forced him into it a little bit because, I mean, he was alive for a long time while I was doing this, but I never kind of pulled him in because that wasn’t his comfort zone, right? But you’re right. I do wish that I had probably been a little bit more, you know, forceful with him and tried to get him to do something. You know, it’s interesting. The weird thing is my mom talked constantly and I still hear her voice, you know, even now. And so, yeah, it’s a difference there, I suppose. Not that, you know, there’s nothing negative to it, but it was just kind of funny that the difference between the two of them. And so, yeah, it is a bit of a legacy thing. I always…
The funny thing for me is early on doing this, been doing it for a bit. So my kids both grew up through this, right? So I have lots of stories about my kids when they were not aware of them even being themselves, right? So babies and toddlers and things. And I have lots of stories about that. And so, yeah, they’re all cataloged. I mean, I wish I had done a little bit better job of cataloging because the titles don’t necessarily match up to these kinds of things directly. And I do have blurbs, but I’ve been, I’ve always been a big fan of kind of the TV guide synopsis of things. And so all of the descriptors are very brief and it wouldn’t necessarily say, you know, kid falls down or something like that. So yeah,
Yeah, so it would be tough for them to find. I’m hoping AI in the near future will help me with that because I’m extremely lazy and I want somebody else to listen to everything and jot down the particulars. Although I have tried using it here like now and it doesn’t always do a good job. Right. What’s your feelings about all this, they call it, I don’t call it artificial intelligence. It’s not, it’s not, everybody keeps trying to push it in that direction, but I’m firmly in the camp that says there’s really not any intelligence here yet. It’s, it’s, it’s artificial and it looks really smart when it does things because it can do them so quick, but that has nothing to do with being intelligent. It has everything to do with being a computer. Right. And being able to process things, you know, immensely faster than us. Right.
So what were your thoughts? I like assistant information. You’re trying to hang into the AI there. Yeah. The idea that it’s there as a tool to help you. Like there’s times where Bob, I’ll think of an episode I want to do on my show. And in my mind, I have four main points I want to cover. I’ll go there and I’ll look and see if I’m missing something. And it’s like, Oh yeah, you’re missing this, this idea. I’m like, I never thought of that. I only know what I know and I don’t know what I don’t know. So there’s opportunities for me to learn all the time. I’m always listening to shows and following books and all that stuff. So I think we can always learn something new. So there’s probably something that could be added to what we’re doing. But I think the biggest thing is when people abandon their creativity and become a servant of the tool instead of the tool being a servant of you. That’s where it gets a little bit
For me, I like creative people with their own stories, their own voice, their own outlook, their personality, their quirks. I like that. That’s kind of what gravitates me towards a creator that I love. So you’re okay with them doing the grunt work. You don’t want to be the main person there, the main part of the production. It’s kind of a snake eating its own tail. where everybody goes and everybody uses the same tool and everybody starts to sound like each other and nothing’s new. And then AI is picking up on AI and AI is regurgitating AI. And there’s this big circle going on of AI and AI and AI. I think when all that happens, somebody unique like you and how you podcast for me as I podcast, as we step up with our own unique voice, it’s different than all the vanilla podcast
that’s happening out there in content? Because it’s us, right? There’s only one of us so well we we hope i think we hope. Yeah. That’s what i’m shooting for that. I think i think i’m there but who knows i mean you know but yeah i think the the interesting part to me is, we’re, we’re being sold ai right now. This is the heavy, heavy, heavy sales period, right? This is the tough sell, the hard sell. Everybody, oh, this and that. So, and I’ve constantly, personally, I don’t know if you do this, but this is what I always do. I’m always experimenting with things. Like I always want to find something and try something. That’s where the cat comes from. And so today, I try to do it almost every day, which seems, I think sometimes I think it’s insane to do this. But anyway, so today I had to make a simple graphic for,
which i know how to do and photoshop or what have you, right? And I thought, okay, today i’m going to try, I’m going to see what uh ai is going to give me. And so so i’m like this i’m going to be you know in another 10 years i’m going to be this you know elderly man on the side of the road complaining about his artificial intelligence module or something so I type everything into the AI, and I did this on three different AIs, Gemini from Google, Copilot from Microsoft, and Perplexity, which I don’t know who it’s affiliated with, to be honest with you. And none of them gave me something that was acceptable. And I gave them all the same instruction. I want three choices. I want just this information. I want it to look modern. I want it to look…
interesting and modern with just my text that I gave you. Don’t add your own text, right? Because it does that for some reason. And, you know, make it look good. Boop, boop, boop. It keeps adding its own text. And so I got into this fight with the AI. I’m like, no, just my text. Some of them wouldn’t do a picture. I said, it’s some type of nice image. I give them an idea of what image I wanted. And then it just devolved into me yelling at the AI, typing, telling them that they’re not doing it right. And then they kept apologizing. And I’m like, why is this thing apologizing to me? Because it’s a machine. It could just say, I don’t know how to do it. Instead, it’s like, oh, I’m so sorry. My programming does not allow it.
I’m like, yeah, I feel like I’m berating C3PO. He’s talking back to me. Right. But anyway, I, but I never, I eventually just gave, I did it for all three. I gave up on all three and I just created it myself. Yeah. Yeah. There’s somebody I heard. Do you do stupid things like this too? Oh, all the time, all the time. That’s kind of my go-to. There’s one guy I know he’s a minister and he was asking AI for help. with a message, a sermon he was going to write. And after it was all done, AI said, oh, you know, he’s like, thanks. Thanks for all your help, blah, blah, blah, to the AI. And then the AI said back to him, you’re welcome, and we’ll be praying for you. Oh, really? Wait a minute. AI is going to pray for me? What the heck is this? So anyway, so that’s pretty weird. Only on my op cycle. Yeah, right. I did have somebody who found my Dad Space podcast through ChatGPT.
Really? He went in and said, I’m looking for a podcast that covers these topics. What do you suggest chat gpds came back and said, you should check out dad space by dave Campbell. So he came to me, or listening. So again, people are using ai in different ways yeah chart to do all these things, to create the baby podcast that i the people love right now. There’s all these different things going on. But that, I was found as a search. So there’s a search capability as well i find this rewarding. And I think that that is essentially our current state of AI is just next level search. Right. That’s really what it is. I mean, yes, you can do these other things, but it does it so poorly. And now this last year, I’ve done all my artwork for Static Radio has been AI generated as much as possible. That’s been my goal because I wanted to learn, right? So I always give myself a task, right?
so I wanted to learn, and so I’ve been trying that, but it can’t always get it. And then I end up, you know it’s kind of like model photography. And I mean, models as in, you know, models for clothing. None of them look like that because somebody goes into the background and touches it all up right yeah and you know, or though nowadays we use filters, but So that’s what happens is I start with a base that is the AI version, and then I go in and make it what I want it to be because the AI version can’t make it what I want it to be. And so, yeah, it’s all retouched, which I think a lot of stuff is. I think that we’re kind of being sold a bill of goods right now in this space in order to get everybody to buy in.
But the reality is there’s a lot of really talented people who are making a lot of this look better than it really is. That’s my guess. I mean, I’m not overly involved in the space, so I don’t know for sure. But as I’m looking at things, I’m like, I can’t get that. And, you know, I think I know what to say because I know how to do it without going through this. Right, right. you know, it’s one of those weird situations, I guess. And I guess my other, you know, I’m sorry, we’re gotten off of the AI conversation, but, but my other question for you would be, you know, do you know, I’ve lost my question here all of a sudden. No, do you for the stuff? Do you think that? Why are we being sold this? What?
What’s the end game in all this? Why do you think that there’s such a hard sell going on right now? There’s a lot of people coming to podcasting and content creation with very limited skill sets. Again, they haven’t done like this stuff before. They’re looking for an easier way to do it. They’re looking for an easier way to do it without having to understand like audio editing, for example. I can just upload it to a platform. It’ll do it for me. One click and I’m done. So there’s that side of it. But again, I think all of these tools make people like you and me who do it kind of a different way, kind of the older way, to be kind of in demand because we can do things that a tool to date can’t do the same way that we can do. So again, when I had somebody reach out recently and they’re like, this audio is terrible. I’ve tried all of these different platforms. Nothing’s working. What can you do? Now I’m going back to me with my two tape recorders
going, how can I make this better, right? Because I have that history. So I’m going to come at it from a creative way that maybe some of these tools can’t, which makes me stand out in a little different and in more high demand because I can do what the tools can’t do yet. Will they replace me at some point? Maybe. But for now, I find that I still have an edge where I can come in there and do something that other people and other tools can’t. That’s cool. And so you still edit for people then? I guess I didn’t think about that. I thought once you had 10 shows or whatever, it would be like, yeah, all that’s out the window. Yeah. No, I have met it for a couple doctors and speakers and stuff in the U.S. I’m in Canada. So I love it. I love helping people. So I do that all the time. And that’s all under the banner? Yeah. Okay. Great. I didn’t know that. See, look at that. There you go. Well, that’s why I had to talk to you because I’m, you know.
I can type it in, but then, you know, what’s the fun in that, right? Well, that’s cool. So then, wow, you are a busy guy. Oh, my gosh. Do you ever watch TV, Dave? Bob, I love television. I used to watch so much of it, but now my wife will come home from work. We’ll sit down, have dinner, watch a couple shows. I get antsy. I’m like, oh, my gosh, I could be doing so much more right now. And she just looks at me like, just could you shut it off for five minutes, please? Right. But I just, I, my mind starts wandering. I’m on my phone. I’m answering emails. Yeah. I just, I love, I love doing this. So where do you, where’s this, where do you think this all is heading for you? I mean, as far as all this goes, obviously you’ve got all these things cooking, you know, what’s, what’s around the corner for you as far as that goes? Yeah.
I’d love to keep helping people with their podcasts and being a tool and resource for them and supporting them, coaching, whatever I can do. There’s people who have been doing this a lot longer than I have, but I find that I have my own unique path and kind of my own unique approach. So I’m all about community. I’m not about a single voice trying to teach people my way to do something. I love leveraging the experience of others so we can learn from each other. that’s kind of my approach for my shows and how I show up in this world. Oh, cool. Now, you know, you mentioned that you were older. I’m not going to ask. You can ask Bob, you’re a blue cat. You can ask me anything you want. No, that’s all right. I mean, you know, but I mean, do you, are you thinking about this as far as, so like, you know, people think about retiring, they retire from whatever their career is. And then, you know,
when they retire, then they have to they a lot of people come up with something new. So do you think whenever you decide okay i’m gonna stop with the regular work a day world um and then when i get done with that, here’s what i’m gonna do right there are more older people today than there are younger people. So there’s a lot of us kind of getting into that age group where we’re going to be retiring at some point. So I do think this would be a great opportunity. The key there is to what you said, is to still be up to date on what’s happening with all of these great tools and AI and all that. Still learning, still active, still relevant. And to not just do it the old way with the two tape recorders, you still have to kind of adjust and grow. That’s my only challenge, I think, for anybody thinking about getting into this is that there is a little bit of a learning curve, but there’s some great people out there who can help you to learn. Yeah.
I’m getting a reel-to-reel and a box of razor blades and some tape, and I’m going to go to town. And I’ll be munching on my cereal watching you do it. Did you ever have to edit like that? Where you had a reel-to-reel tape that you were editing? Oh, my gosh. With the cutting it and actually slicing it together? Oh, my gosh. People are like, what are you talking about, YouTube? Oh, my gosh. Yeah. I would… I mean, I’m surprised that’s not a game, to be honest with you. Somebody should gamify that because I can see that. You know, you have all these stupid puzzle games out there, right? Can you imagine? That would be a puzzle game, would be splicing together tape. Because it was. It was a puzzle game back, I mean, in the day. Because you can’t see what you’re just cutting because you’re rubbing it across the playhead. But anyway.
And no undo button either. You can’t undo it. Right. You make the cut. You’re done. You’re done. Yeah. We hope they have another copy, perhaps, if you have some really bad disaster going on there. But yeah, that could be a game, I think. We’ll call it. It’d be like, I don’t know what you call it. Edit Death or something. Sounds like a good name for it. Yeah. and it sounds like one of those uh old japanese games where they, you know, kind of got the titles wrong. Oh, yeah, everything was death or dying or something yeah um thanks for being with me here today, Dave. I really enjoy talking to you. It’s so fascinating i’m i’m so happy that uh you know, this is one of those funny things um and i think uh people miss this a lot of times in their lives.
It is so nice to talk to somebody who is so happy with what they’re doing. It’s contagious. Don’t you think? Yeah. I think there’s a lack of people in this world that bring joy to the world and joy to the people that they interact with. You’re a great example, Bob, with all of your experience and knowledge and going way back to the original days of podcasting to still be here and serving people and making content. being so unique and creative and how you present your your show as well, I’m just a huge fan. I tell everybody about you. And I sent everybody to the blue cat because i just think it’s so fun. Like I told you before, it’s like saturday morning cartoons to be able to sit here and talk with you. It’s really, really fun for me so i now i wish i knew uh like a 70s, 80s canadian cartoon i can do for i can do klondike cat but i don’t know if that was big in canada
There you go. No, no. There you go. He was a French Canadian mouse and Klondike cat was a Northern cat. No, none of it. Maybe, maybe. Okay. There you go. That was the voice. That was my interpretation for Klondike cat. That was well done. And savoir faire, which was actually one of my, favorite cartoons way back in the day, so. So if we’ve broken any copyright law, again, reach out to Bob. Yeah, I don’t think we’re okay. Okay, guys all right. Well, I’m not the original voice or anything you know, it’s it’s homage it’s homage i did have a chance to talk to the original writer of every inspector gadget cartoon. Really? Episode. He lives in Toronto, Canada, and it was fascinating. He wrote every episode. Like, so cool to have him on my show.
Go, go, Gadget Fingers! Yeah, I mean, I love watching that cartoon after school. Yeah, I’m trying to remember, what was the, there was a cat in that as well. Right, there was a cat, yeah. And the bad guy, he had a real deep voice in there. I’m trying to remember his name now, though. I can’t remember his name. I was going to say Dr. Evil, but that’s not, no, that’s not it. Yeah. and then uh they had the his niece, Penny. Penny. That’s right. Oh, boy, we’re really dragging it out of my brain today. And then uh inspector gadget was uh don adams i believe there you go. Yeah. He was the voice of inspector gadget get smart and all this other kind of stuff so yeah and there’s tennessee tuxedo as well. You’re right. You’re right. Today on trivia from cartoon Trivia.
dave and bob talk about go go Gophers. There you go. I love it. It’s great. Thanks, Dave, for being here. Hold on just a second while we finish up. And everybody, we’ll see you next time.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

That’s lovely. Lovely to hear you drinking. So lovely to hear you drinking. I’m going to chew some ice. Yeah, why don’t you chew some ice? Why don’t you suck on a teat? Anybody? anybody’s anybody’s tea yes anybody so the intro. Yeah, oh, it’s not playing the sounds, though. I gotta figure that out. We’re talking over there but you can’t play the sounds, right? Oh. Oh, it’s also backwards, too. Oh, it’s backwards. Wow, how’d you do that? Yeah, well, it wasn’t on purpose oh this is bob Hey, everyone. This is your big friend, Miles. Big friend, yes. That’s for sure. I’m big. I’m bad. I’m big and bad. I’m your friend. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey. It’s Miles Title. No, no, no. He’s going to play a song for you.
want to have a good time hey hey hey hey man welcome thanks for tuning in. You know, hopefully you’ll laugh a lot. Hopefully your sphincter will get a workout. And then you’ll listen. uh it’s been, it’s been, uh you know, nonstop weather channel around these parts, you know, so. Right. You are okay. Uh, you had a tornado. I had random, uh, listeners checking on me and I knew it. I knew it. Oh, I knew it. See, I brought this up before we started recording. Maybe we should, uh, uh, check on him, send him a note and say, Bob, are you okay? And yeah, I’m fine. Wasn’t near me. I, you know, I, I handle things like my parents do. I was like, well, if it’s important, he’ll call. You just ignore them? That seems to be what you did with birth control and child rearing. Ignore the problem until someone asks for help, and then it’s a problem. Then you know. You don’t know until you know. You don’t know until you know. Oh, Miles. How am I supposed to know to change your diaper? You didn’t say anything. Yeah.
i guess it’s not at your house quite a bit when i was visiting oh my god i don’t know where this fantasy comes from i do not know these poor kids were looked like they were hauling around santa’s sack of toys with a diaper oh my god i don’t this has never happened i don’t know what this guy’s talking about this is never who’s never happened i’ll swear i don’t know what where well So, yeah, no, we had tornado here in St. Louis. It was big news. Yeah. Everybody’s talking about it. Yeah, I did. I did have people reach out asking if I was fine. Yeah, I’m fine. I’m fine. And I didn’t. And you did not. Yes. Here I am texting my good friends who live closer to the affected area. They’re…
they’re without power. I’m checking on them, you know, and then all your friends from New Zealand and, you know, right. Exactly. Yeah. All around the world is checking. Bob, are you okay, Bob? I saw, I saw the devastation. Yeah. This is your friend Sven. Exactly. Exactly. Well, Crickets. If it’s important, he’ll call. Yeah, that’s right. I guess if he doesn’t call, if I don’t talk to him on Monday, he’s just dead. Oh, well. I’ll just reveal bits, I guess. Oh, yeah. Oh, well, there we go. The bingo card’s full. Yeah, okay. By the way, I went to Diamond Dave’s over the weekend while you were without power. I toasted to your good health. Yeah, I was like, oh, I hope they got power. I don’t know. Oh, you’re fine. You wouldn’t be the baby. Yeah, but everything’s fine. But yeah, it was quite the show, I guess. I didn’t see it, but I actually went into the city today, and on my way back, I went by. There’s this Amish furniture store off the highway, and this shows you the power.
and the humor of nature. Yeah. So they have all of these Adirondack wooden chairs. They sell like hundreds of these, apparently, because there’s about 500 of them out in front of the store. And all of those still in perfect alignment, yet the roof of the building looks like a crushed aluminum can. English. What happened to English? Yeah, it totally crumpled the top of their building. All their Adirondack chairs were still in rows. Oh, no. Oh, no. I know. Crazy. You should have bought one. Well, I wasn’t at the exit. But yeah, they had big signs that said, yes, we’re still open, even though we don’t have a roof. It’s all crumpled. Yeah. They don’t need a roof. Don’t spend your money, English. Although I’ve been to the Amish Sam’s Club or Costco, whichever you prefer, and they have more technology in that place, I swear, than Sam’s Club and Costco do. Hello. I’m the robot. They did the touch to pay. You don’t have to put the card in or anything or swipe it. You just touch it. Oh, that’s my favorite.
That’s my favorite. Yeah, they had all that there at the Amish store. I love that. They don’t have lights, but they got touch to pay. They got lanterns. Yeah. No, they actually don’t have heating. They actually have a… Geothermal. You know what they use in chicken houses? It’s like a gas thing where you get like an old galvanized… trash can lid, and you have a flame on it, and it deflects it down towards the floor. Oh, that sounds okay. That’s the heating system, but they have touch to pay, so go figure. Have we talked since you got the new Chicago Pope? Right. Yeah, what do you think about that? No, I’m not Catholic, but I’ve been I was really excited about it. Well, we, you know, we have, well, you more than me, but we have a person that I know that, you know, better who is got a sibling who’s in the order. Yes. Right. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Now that you say that, I should ask him about that. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, he’s like, he’s like just two steps away at this point, you know?
Yeah. I don’t know how all that works, but yeah, I guess, yeah. Yeah, I don’t know. I mean, you talk about six degrees of separation. He’s like two degrees. And if you think about God being the third step, right there. You know, I really didn’t think about it, but now you say that, yeah. Well, I’m glad I’m here to help. Yeah, I didn’t put that much thought into it, I guess. I was like, man, he’s got, you know. I just heard he was a Bears fan. I’m like, all right, man. Yeah, well, and that as well, obviously. I’m so happy. Again, you with being so involved in people’s lives, your good friend from your other college days has got a direct line to the Pope, and you’re like, hey, the Pope’s a Bears fan. You know, if he has something important to say, he’ll call. No, that’s right. You won’t hesitate to reach out. I swear to God. Yeah, yeah.
So I have a couple of quick stories here for you from my last trip. I went to this restaurant that I always go to. It’s a Mexican restaurant I love. And I got seated by an angry-looking Danny Elfman. He looked like if Danny Elfman were a serial killer. Yeah. I was by myself, and so he’s like, table for one. I’m like, yeah. He gave me that kind of… And then the weird thing was, he separates these tables to give me my table for one. They had them lined up where they have usually a big group or something, and so he slings these tables around and gives me the table for one there. And Then this really old couple comes in. This guy is walking like Frankenstein, like he’s got no choice. Yeah. And then they sit down at this newly separated table and proceed to order a giant pitcher of margaritas, although he barely made it into the restaurant. I mean, honestly. Yeah.
Oh, that’s all he needs. Yeah. Yeah. That’s all he needs. I was thinking he’s like, and I’m like, he sits down and he’s like, Hey, I’d like a picture of margaritas. A picture of those margaritas. Cause that’s what they’re famous for. And, uh, but he says, give me a picture of Margs. I mean, he’s, he’s like, right. Give me a picture. Wow. And, uh, so then his wife, I don’t know where I, I guess she dropped him off or something because she didn’t come in like right away. She comes in, you know, like minutes later. And she basically sits to where I can’t get out of my spot. Oh, no. I’m blocked in. So I can’t get up. Do they offer you a Marg? No, no Margs for me. Hey, I’ll have all…
I’ll offer one to this fat chick next to us here. Hey, do you want to… Hey, lady. Ever date a universal monster? You like my geographic tongue? So then they have like this trivia game going on all the TVs, right? And there’s like a sports bar kind of thing going on. Yeah. And his wife is reading all the questions like… Oh, I can hear myself now. Can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you. You had some static there. So she’s reading all the questions like a kindergartner. Oh, what’s the first tallest mountain in the whole world? Yeah, so then… Titicaca. Oh, it’s a lake. Lake Titicaca. am i still static? You are super static, yeah. Oh my god. freaking thing. It sounds like uh star trek 2 where they’re like jamming the frequencies. They’re like, Jim, why are you trying to take Genesis? Why are you? Oh, the genesis device. Yeah. That sounds better now. That sounds better.
And so then I finally finished eating and I want to get out of there. So I squeeze past this woman and I try to get out there. And then as I’m walking out, the psycho Danny Elfman leans into me and he goes, I would have never set those people that close to you. I was like, it’s okay, man. It’s fine. Yeah. He leans into me like whispers. It was creepy. My name’s Dennis. The phone number is 618. So then I had another weird thing happen. Yeah. So the That was when I first arrived in town. And then I was leaving town, and I had to get some lunch. I was starving. It was time for lunch. And now it’s doing that again. Yeah, it’s been doing it. Oh, my gosh. Okay. We’ll just switch over here in a second. Give me one moment, sir. One moment, and I will switch over.
and then we’ll be fine. Now you can hear me okay, right? I can, yes. So I stopped at the Steak and the Shake down there at Lake of the Ozarks. Oh, you love Steak and Shake. Oh my gosh. I did. It’s not been as good as it used to be here lately. They had a lot of problems for a while. But this Steak and Shake is just like the old ones, right? They had this purple lady that sat you down and everything, and so I’m sitting there, and I swear to God, I’m looking, other than the purple, well, maybe the purple herald lady was part of it, too. All of the waitresses look like strippers. Where’s this at? It’s taking shape, kind of like the Ozarks. Oh, no, I’m just planning out my vacation, you know. Yeah, okay. But it’s not like they are dressed like strippers. It just looks like…
if they had, if a stripper was wearing a steak and shake uniform. So you wanted to bang them? No, no, I didn’t. They just look kind of like rough and, you know, uh, you know, I, I, I don’t think of you on the one hand, think of strippers as all amazingly beautiful and everything. I, on the other hand, think they look a little bit rough. Well, that’s all right. So it’s all looking rough. And so this lady finally comes over and, To take my order. And, you know, I know what I want. You know, I’m obviously all special order, but I tell her, you know, what I want. And and and then she’s she’s like smiling at me like weird, like, you know, I mean, like, oh, uh-huh. She’s either giving me the smile like you got money. Or what are those smiles like?
she knows me or something, but I have no idea who she is. And, um, so she’s like, Oh, okay. I’ll get that right for you, buddy. You know, sweetie, honey pie. Give me all this kind of chatter, right? What’s this? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So I’m like, okay. You know, I’m not, uh, you, you fall for all that. You’ll be like, Oh, let me up to my wallet, baby. Oh, here’s the $3. I took this into your waistband. Um, Yeah. I do that all the time. Yeah. That’s me. It’d be IOU. It’d be like, yeah. Sorry. Those quarters. Hopefully you got some strong elastic on the bottom side. Cause those quarters are going to fall right in. I got 10 bucks for my birthday for my mom. So there it is. There you go. Here you go. So anyway, she’s like, you know, then she brings me my food and she’s like smiling and give me the, you know, kind of like flow or something. Yeah.
Hey there. Kiss my grits. Kiss my grits. She’s like, you know, giving me the, you know, here you go, hon. Here’s your hamburger, hon. Yeah. She isn’t old. She’s younger than me. I guess she was probably in her like mid to late 30s or something. Yeah. Oh, this is getting good. And, you know, she wasn’t a good looking. I wouldn’t call her a good looking woman. She was, you know, somebody who had been run through the ringer a couple of times or something. And, uh, so that I, you know, I sit there and she checks on me. Hey, how’s it going there you know yeah i’m eating my thing. And then she comes and brings me the check. And I got like the double hamburger meal, but you know, uh, I didn’t get everything because i don’t like everything. So I, you know, tell her what everything was on there but
So I got that with the drink and everything, and she puts the check down, and it’s only for the hamburger. Oh. And she goes, ah, it took me a while to get over to you, so I’ll take care of the drink. Wow. Yeah, and I was like, what? Oh, are you Richard Gere suddenly? What the heck? Hey, mayonnaise. Diane Ladd. Yeah, I don’t know. I was just like, I was dumb. I was just, this is the weirdest. Yeah. I mean, she totally left off the fries and the drink. Yeah. All she charged me for was a hamburger. Oh, okay. Yeah. I was thinking at this point, I was glad it was the afternoon because I thought I was going to lose a kidney or something. Yeah.
Did she write her number down at the bottom? Like, call me. I didn’t even look at it. Thankfully, I had cash, and I just dumped some cash on the table, and I left. It freaked me out. It was all weird. I’m like, people ignore me. You’re probably like, my name is Miles Title. Yeah. Let me write my address down here for you, honey. Yeah. I’ll be heading back to Iowa. Yeah. Um, yeah. Wow. Who are you man you’re like a ryan gosling or something man you’re like a ryan reynolds you know, she’s all like, it was, I, yeah, I don’t think, I can’t remember the last time anybody gave me free stuff at, you know, the steak and shake. So, yeah, but yeah, that was another, uh,
restaurant interaction that was just a little peculiar. Yeah, I like this one. I mean, the total was like, I don’t know, $7 or something. You should have done a selfie. Can I get a selfie with you? I got to go back to the hotel room. I’m kind of lonely. My wife always charges me for my fries and drink at home. Okay. She doesn’t understand a man’s needs for free food. Oh, sweetheart. Come here. Oh, it was weird. I was just like, man, you need like a toothpick. I think I slapped down 11 bucks, which I had in my wallet. And I was like, Oh, wow. Who’s this dude? I’m like, what? That’s weird. That’s weird. Weird. Wow. I was going to be driving home and like,
drive off the road or something. Bob LeBet player extraordinaire, man. Yeah. Well, that’s yeah. Dang. This guy’s like 60 years old. He still has game, man. Damn. He’s like Sean Connery or something. There’s a lot of stretching going on here. Yes. No, but it was, it was the, I’ve that doesn’t happen to me. I was really, it was weird. Isn’t that weird when something happens to you, like an ugly guy like me? What’s going on with this? Was she working you for the tip, you think? I don’t know. I have no idea. I was just like, I just wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible. You’re not a particularly attractive person. Thank you, Miles. I really appreciate that. You’re like a train wreck, basically. Oh, come on now. This self…
Self-review here? What? What? Yeah, I don’t know that I had a train wreck. I had a girl wink at me once. So what? Yeah, so what? Okay. Well, I just found it very peculiar. That is a little weird. Very peculiar. Yes, exactly. And I was just like, this is very weird. Yes. Yeah, you don’t usually get that, do you? You’re like, huh, what’s this? No, no, I get ignored. People ignore me. Yeah, I know. I get that all the time. Like, oh, I hate old fat guys. God damn it. Yeah, look at that. Like, I read minds, I know. I’m like, ugh. Anyway, what’s going on with you? Well, I didn’t get no free pie or anything like that. I didn’t get free pies. I got free fries. Yeah, I know. All right, so you’ve been kind of…
with the pie thing yeah so you know, you’ve been kind of, you know uh taking over the whole show with your stupid wildlife stories and oh i got another one, but i’ll save it for next week oh i see i knew it. I knew he had one in the barrel, but he’s like i have a good one today, but i won’t talk about it. I’m trying to yes thank you thank you and so uh i’m jealous of my wildlife stories. I’m like, man, I can’t compete with this guy. He’s got like every kind of animal in the world. I mean, he’s just like… It’s like a freaking zoo outside here. He’s got unicorns. You know what I mean? He’s got everything in his backyard. He’s got green alligators. He doesn’t know Mickey. The Humpty Back Ham. Come on. That’s another… No. Nothing like the unicorn. Da-da.
I had to sing it. All right. So, uh, you know, we have this dog, it’s like year old and she’s a big ass dog and she is constantly in and out, in and out, in and out. Yeah. And dog constantly likes to play with the animal, you know, like stuffed animals and toys and your typical puppy, you know, blah. And, uh, which is fine. And so I let her out the other night and, uh, she starts barking and my wife’s like, all right, all right, whatever. Yeah. Go get her. Go get her. It sounds like he’s laying on a bed with mosquito netting over with tuberculosis or something. Go get her. Change my bedpan. Give me another pack of cigarettes. I’m trying to watch TV and all of a sudden it’s like, oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, what?
Oh, my God. What? What’s going on in there? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. She will not answer. My wife does this constantly. Something will be happening, but she will not answer. Like, oh, my God, what’s going on? Oh, oh. So that’s about the 12th, you know, no answer. I’m like, God damn it. All right, I’m going to have to get up now. I have to get up now. You know. I was trying to watch BBC hour, like Bob, but you know, and, uh, honey, I can’t pause this lesbian wrestling match for Christ’s sake. It’s right. You know? And, uh, I like now I see she’s disappeared outside. It’s dark out. I’m like, okay, flip on the light. And now she starts walking towards me and she has not quite full grown, but a decent size possum by the tail.
Oh my God. Walking with it. He’s wrestled it from the dog. Apparently the dog had, it was like flipping up the air and catching it. Oh, your wife’s got it. I thought the dog still had it. No, the dog had it. No, she wrestled away from the dog. So she’s got this thing that a tail and it’s all curled up. And I go saving possums at your house while you sit on your ass. I, well, no, I was just like, Oh, okay. I go, Uh, you might want to be careful, you know, rabies and stuff. Oh, it’s dead. I’m like, no, I, I don’t think so. That’s the whole thing. Yeah. I was trying to go on the whole thing oh no i think it’s dead. I’m pretty sure. I’m like, I go, we’re gonna fill up the bingo card at the hospital here. If this thing bites you, man. So don’t even don’t think i go please put that down yeah
I know what I’m doing. All right. All right. Okay. I went over to Mr. Miyagi’s yard. We did. Yeah, we did. We all just trashed our yard. It’s horrible. We had like a tote, a plastic tote up by the fence. Uh-huh. Full of shoes. No, it’s empty, actually. But she puts it in there. I’m like, okay, well, all right. So it’s laying there, and it’s not breathing. It’s lifeless. His eyes are just open just a little bit. I’m like, okay. And she goes, well, he’s dead. I’m like, I don’t know. I’m not convinced. So we get the dogs in my wife gets in, you know, I thought I’m going to go back and check on this little bastard. And I swear to the son of a bitch winked at me like wink. Oh, you son of a bitch. And then he like jumps off and like runs into the bushes. Oh, he took off. Oh yes. Yeah. He totally faked out the dog. He faked up my wife. Yeah. Yeah.
He’s probably like a little higher on the tail, please. Thank you. Yeah. I go, you know, for some people around here that it would have been dinner. You know that, don’t you? I mean, we could probably sold that son of a bitch for 20 bucks. Yeah. You’re kidding. Oh my gosh. Cause we did it a long time ago. A kid brought over like some dressed squirrels that they had caught, you know? Oh, great. Which I refuse to eat. It was like a long time ago. I don’t remember that story, but chicken. Yeah. I’m like, no, I’m not eating some rat. F you, man. Yeah, but I know people eat this shit. I’m like, not me, man. I’ve never had a squirrel myself either. I will eat it steak and shake, so I don’t know, man. Yeah, I’d rather have you steak and shake. My wish is the hawk. And so, yeah, so I’m like, you know, this thing came alive, by the way. Oh, it did? Yes. What?
They play possum? For real? I thought she was sleeping. Sorry, honey. I thought she was sleeping. She was playing possum. Yeah, I was dumb. I thought he wasn’t playing possum. A little bastard. I don’t know where he went. Oh, wow. This poor guy’s been maimed and he’s like… running over in Miyagi’s yard around the tiger trap. I should have pitched it over his fence and be like, hey, so much. Deal with this. You get caught back there. Oh. In the tiger trap back in the back. Yeah, I know. I don’t even know what’s back there. Oh, my gosh. The guy’s constantly back. You know he came from over there. I don’t know where this is from, but this is the second time. He’s out of possums or something for all you know.
This is the second time, and I’ve lived in this house like way too long, but this is the second time I’ve seen a possum in the backyard. Huh, well, it’s because you got all those good delicacies back there. Yeah, I’ve had a raccoon back there. I’ve had possum. All those mushrooms you’re growing. Yes, yes, it’s legal. All the mushrooms. Pumpkins and mushrooms and… Actually, I just planted all that. Yeah, I just planted all that, actually. Well, now you know why. Yeah, so I’m like, aha, this week Bob is not going to outdo me with the animal story. I’ve got an animal story. I finally have one. I was hoping it would happen. Oh, shit, I should have went with mine. Damn, oh, well. Don’t worry, I’m blowing socks off with this one, Miles. Don’t worry about it. Don’t worry about it.
Don’t worry about it. My mama deer gave birth right in front of me. It was beautiful. Yeah, I’ll be like, all right, all right. It was beautiful. I held it. I washed its mouth out. I mean, it was great. It whispered to me. Oh, take me a second, Jake, please. Yeah. Oh, my God. Well, hey, I’m glad everybody’s… I’m glad she didn’t get bit. I know. Those things are mean. I might have stuck my hand in one of those fuckers in the garage one time. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to get bit by that. You’d take off your finger, I bet. Yeah, they would. I know. When I lived in the city, I had a detached garage and I went out and opened the… And the light switch was on after you had to open the door to get the light switch. I hit the light switch and there was a fucking possum right there hissing at me.
Is that where you had that crazy neighbor? Yes. That had like that weird house thing going on. And then I had to chase, I had to chase, I had to open the garage, I had to reach over by it again to open the garage door and then chase it out with a broom. Get the hell out of here, you son of a bitch. Like, well, we, that was, it had an alley with the dumpsters. There was always something in the dumpster, you know, rackhands and possums. Neighbors. Smile, you son of a bitch. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the possums are scary. Yeah, there’s something else. There’s something else. I’m glad you’re okay. Yeah, well, I’m glad my wife’s okay. Jesus. Great. Who knows who would have helped her if she wasn’t? Not me. I would have been glued to the Netflix. I’m going back into Netflix. I’ve got news for you. Yeah, I’ve got…
I found the code for Teddy movies on Netflix. What’s that, honey? What? It’s 8008. I’m a chicken? Whatever. Whatever. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I’m glad everyone’s okay. Yeah. And you’re not hurt as well.

Based in St. Louis, Missouri, LeMent brings his extensive experience in comedy, spanning 20-29 years, to the weekly show. Static Radio features humorous and off-the-cuff discussions on a variety of topics including pop culture, current events, “high strangeness,” and life in the Midwestern United States.

LeMent’s background includes college radio, which served as a precursor to Static Radio. He is known for his authentic and spontaneous conversational style and sometimes appears in video interviews as an animated blue cartoon cat, utilizing real-time animation software. He maintains a hands-on approach to the podcast’s production, emphasizing genuine and unfiltered content.

Tidal, who is also sometimes referred to as “Miles” or “Peaches,” contributes to the weekly podcast’s signature style of authentic and humorous discussions. The show delves into a variety of subjects including pop culture, current events, “high strangeness,” and observations about life in the Midwest.

In addition to his role as a co-host, Miles Tidal is also involved in graphic design, contributing his skills to “the other half of Static Radio.” He has been a consistent presence on the show, engaging in spontaneous and unfiltered conversations that have defined StaticRadio.com for over two decades.

Miles Tidal is a key figure behind StaticRadio.com, where he serves as co-host, director, writer, and producer for the long-running comedy podcast. He collaborates with Bob LeMent on the show, which has been in production since January 1999, making it one of the earliest internet radio shows/podcasts.

On Static Radio, Miles (who is also sometimes referred to as “Peaches”) engages in unscripted, “stream of consciousness” comedy, discussing pop culture, current events, and the “strange and humorous happenings” of life in the U.S. Midwest alongside LeMent. He is also credited as an actor on the show, appearing as “Miles.”

Beyond the podcast, Miles Tidal has an active presence in short film production. His IMDb profile lists him as a director, producer, and actor for several short films, including “VampFest 1999” (1999), “LizardMan” (2005), “Haunted Macomb” (2006), “Miles Tidal presents TrekFest 2009” (2009), and “Keokon 2009” (2010).

Together with Bob LeMent, Miles Tidal is credited as a creator of Static Radio.

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

You’re a quiet guy tonight there, Miles. It’s electric. It’s electric. Ah, just getting situated. Hey, everybody. Welcome to the show. This is Bob. Hey, everyone. This is Miles. You’re convincing there. You may want to check your underwear label. Yeah, why? Let me see. I got to see if my underwear is… It says Calvin Klein. Nope. Nope, never wore it. You probably are a Hanes man, I would guess. Hanes. I like Hanes. Wait, did you get those Hanes on you? What is the name of that? How did that go? Remember when we used to sleep together? You’re like, oh, Hanes, huh? Like, yeah. Like, oh, yeah. No, I don’t remember that. I don’t remember that at all. Remember that? Yeah, we’d have pillow fights and stuff. You’re like, oh, hey. I don’t remember that. Like, let’s wrestle. I’m like, all right. Whatever. Whatever. I’m up for it. Whatever. What the hey? I’m down. I’m DTW, man. Down to wrestle, man. What the hey? Oh, wait. I think I recall. Here’s a memory.
A little sword fighting going on. Yeah, yeah. No, that wasn’t me. That wasn’t me. Oh, my goodness. No, we never wrestled. We’ve never shared a bed together. We almost shared a bed together. We almost did, yeah. I dodged that bullet, thank goodness. Yeah, well, never know what you did. You and your friend just share the downstairs. I’ll sleep on the couch. My brother’s into some things. Yeah. The door that doesn’t shut, you know, just stuff like that. Yeah, stuff like that. Don’t worry about it. No lock on the door. Just big gaping holes and things. It was just a different time, you know. Yeah. It’s a community. No, we never shared a bed or wrestled. Speaking of that… Speaking of that, I only bring this up to rub it in your face, honestly. I was traveling last week and I don’t know that I’ve ever actually mentioned this to you directly, but over the last 10 years, pretty much every time that I, not every time I travel, but
a good portion of the time I travel, I’m considered a VIP. I believe it. And I get nice little trinkets and things because, you know, when I show up, people are interested that I’m there. And this last time was no exception. And I got into, I got in early so I can get in early, right? I don’t have to wait until check-in. Oh. And so I’m like, I got to the hotel and I’m like, you know, can I get in my room? I don’t push this or anything, but there are times whenever you get somewhere and you’re like, I just want to go and, you know, get in my room and get situated and unpack my stuff. Right. A little five on one. Get ready. And now, come on, I’m not you. Come on. Well, you said you’re acting like me. I mean, what’s…
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They call me the bishop Bopper. Yeah. Sorry to offend you. Sorry. Uh, so i got in early and i was in my room and, uh, there was a knock on the door. Like I was, I was there like an hour. It seemed like. Sure. Yeah. Unpack everything, hang up all my nice clothes and everything. And, Knock on the door, and I’m like, oh, I’m like, I wonder who this is, right? I’m not expecting anybody. So I go to the door, and Eb from Green Acres is there with a… If anybody remembers who that was. Eb from Green Acres is there at my door with a gift basket. Oh, Jesus. Yeah. Okay. And I opened the door and he’s like, Hey, Mr. Douglas. And, uh, I go, he goes, Hey, you got a gift basket. I mean, and I’m like, Oh, thank you. And he goes, here you go. And, uh, you know, enjoy your stay. If you need anything, just tell me. And you know, I’ll send up Mr. Haney next. Yeah, exactly. So now it sounds good.
And these gift baskets are a nice touch. But I’m going to give you a little inside scoop on the hotel gift basket. Okay. Have you ever gotten a hotel gift basket, by the way? Is this from the hotel or the people you work for? No, it’s from the hotel. Is it because you’re like a frequent flyer or is it just everyone gets this? Oh, Michael’s in the Chat. He says, yes, he’s got the hotel gift basket lots of times. So here, well, Michael, then you will know the secret to this. Uh, and, uh, but so i get my hotel gift basket and i’m looking at, um, you know, I set it down and i’m like, Oh, this is uh interesting and i’m like unwrapping it
And what I typically do with my hotel gift baskets is I take what I want and then I distribute the rest of it to people I’m with because they don’t get gift baskets. So I’m rifling through this gift basket at this point. And I’m like, oh, wow, I got a whole thing of Nantucket Pepperidge Farm cookies. That’s a good one, right? Put that in the plus side. And then I got some peanuts, honey roasted and regular, right? I got a couple of things of fudge. And then I got, this is the weird one. I got a big slab of Colby Jack cheese and some crackers. Are you still with me, Miles? I don’t hear any comments from you yet. Miles is gone, so I’ll just keep talking until he comes back because I can’t hear him. And so I got this Colby Jack cheese and these crackers. What’s that? Testing. Oh, now I hear you, Miles. Yeah. Normally you make comments whenever I’m unwrapping my gift bag. No, I have been. No, I was. I didn’t realize that was that. I didn’t hear you at all. Yeah.
and call me jack cheese and the and the crackers were a weird one. And then, um, so i’m like okay i’m i’m doing a little uh parsing of, you know, one for me, you know, one for them kind of a situation. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And, uh, but i also had a refrigerator, which is fantastic. So I stick my fudge in my uh cheese in the refrigerator but it’s like almost this kind of random items. Oh, and i got a couple waters a couple of, uh, nice Dasani, which is the, you know, ship water. Basically it’s the worst no boss no nova i had voss at the last place. I had boss and coconut water and some others. Oh wow. Right. Yeah. Oh yeah. It was, that was a little more high end so i i get everything put away and whatnot, but the reality is, is that they, they have a shop.
at the hotel. It’s a nice hotel. It has its own, you know, little mini mart, as it were and and ebb goes dancing around the mini mart probably an hour before i arrive. And he looks for things that are just about to expire. And he puts them in the gift basket. This is the reality of these gift baskets right yeah and and so if you if you get one of these, always look yeah Always look and see the expiration date. Chances are you’re getting stuff that’s about ready to expire. But they wrap it up and make it look real nice. They put a card in there. Did you get tampons or anything? No. No tampons. Although that would be useful. You know what I mean? Yeah. Because I’m typically…
I mentioned before we started recording, I never get to eat or anything. The cheese and crackers was duly appreciated because it was actually pretty good. Of course, it was one week within expiring, but it was pretty good. I enjoyed it. The weird thing is that this happens a lot. When I was in Las Vegas, I got a backpack. I got bluetooth speakers. oh shit. Yeah. I got, uh, chargers, like a fancy, uh, charger for your phone, for your watch and for your iPad. oh crap. Um, what else did i get? Oh, and then this is the, you’re gonna crack up about this. So, uh, in las Vegas, the, the, the hotel person comes up to me and like mr lament uh would you would you like uh
to enjoy a massage. Uh, yeah. Yeah. And I’m like, there we go. Yeah. There we go. There’s no, I mean, I’m always nice. Yeah. But for me, there’s no way in hell I’m getting a massage at a random, uh, you know, random hotel. I don’t care. Right. Yeah. So it’s, I’m like, no, but I’m always thinking about others because I go, but a couple of my colleagues might enjoy the massage. Oh, yeah. And then I tell them who they are, and I said, you might go ask them. And then they want to please me that they’ll go, and they got massages while they were there. Yeah. And then they come back to me and they’re like, Bob, why didn’t you get a massage? I’m like, there is no effing way in this world. I’m going to have some stranger put their fingers all over me. You would have to be roofied for this to happen or something. No way. I know you well too much that you’d be like, no way. There’s no way.
There’s no way. And then they laugh at me and make fun of me and whatnot. And they’re like, Oh, I can’t believe you wouldn’t want a massage. And then they come back the next day and they’re like, Oh, this massage was the best thing ever. And I’m like, I’m like, no, I don’t. I took the backpack. I took the Bluetooth speaker, you know, I get all kinds of like tote bags and, and, uh, umbrellas and all this kind of stuff. Right. Yeah. You’re like a robot. I can only have robot things. I do not want to see my touch. That’s right. I’m going to go to the robot pizzeria again. I love that. If you want to send me to that. Robot. The funny thing is I’m in this… I would call it a predicament. Other people would be, gosh, I know you would say, you’d take full advantage of all of this if you were in my place. I’d be like, I’m hungry. I could use room service.
You’re going to whip it? Yeah, you’re going to whip it. But I rarely take advantage other than if they give me the basket, I graciously accept the basket. But rarely do I. Because they’re always like, can we get you dinner reservations? Can we get you this? Can we get you that? Yeah, and I rarely take advantage. They want to take me to dinner. I’ve been to dinner, which is the most awkward thing. If you can only imagine how awkward the massage would be. Can you imagine going to dinner with me? Oh my Lord. Oh, like, wait, some random dude gets go to eat with you or what? Yeah. Yeah. Most of the time are women, you know, it’s with you, but yeah. Okay. All right. Well, hold on now. Let’s not judge. Okay. Okay. But what, what cracks me up is, is there always talking about it, right? So I’m there this last time I got my gift basket from Ebb and I, you know, everything. And it, it,
You know, I told you that it just comes from leftovers. And then I see them, you know, later on the next day or whatever. They’re like, Bob, did you get your gift basket? Get that nice, super nice gift. Yeah, I got the gift basket. Thank you very much. Did you sleep with my sister? Yeah. Like, make such a big deal. I’m like, you know, leftovers, basically, you know. Yeah. It’s not super special. The best thing in it was cheese, which is the only reason I got cheese is because Eb is an idiot. He just grabbed the thing with cheese. I’d probably get like, well, here’s an extra pad of paper and a pen. Yeah, they get all kinds of pens. An old Gideon Bible we were going to throw out. Yeah. An old phone book from 1974. We didn’t know if you wanted that. Yeah.
I was in Las Vegas for a thing, and the Las Vegas ones would be a whole box of stuff. I mean, I got all kinds of stuff from them. I gave a lot of it to my kids. I mean, how would you even accept the thing of like, well, this woman will go out to eat with you? Well, it’s more like this. They’ll go like, hey, do you got any dinner? I mean, it’s like getting asked out on a date, but you know it’s not a date. No, but still, I mean… A lot of wives out there would not be real chill with that. Like, oh, hmm. I don’t think my wife has anything to worry about. Yeah. I can’t get a massage, for Christ’s sake. What am I going to do at dinner? Yeah, but you’re always like Mr. Witty and cute, though. You’d always be like, let me show you some magic tricks at the table. Right. Mouse goes in the hole. So, yeah, but I usually…
drag along other people with me if I go to dinner. So I’ve gone and I’m like, okay, it depends on my mood. It’ll be like, oh, we have reservations down at the, you know, the greatest restaurant in the world. I’ll be like, is it okay if I bring my crew with me? And then they’re like, how many people are we talking? And I go, just three people, just three people. And then they go, oh, okay. And so then, yeah, we all went to… The funniest thing was last time I was there, it was last year, we went to this very high-end restaurant. And I went and I took everybody with me. And I had to actually be someplace else. And literally, I got a glass of water. Everybody ordered. It got to me. I said, I got to go. And I left. Oh, my God.
Batman or something? No, I said, I have to be someplace. It took a little longer than I thought. Then I have to take off. I don’t know that they really appreciated me. I didn’t even get any dinner. Everybody else got a really nice dinner. I think they appreciated that. That was free dinner. It was supposed to be yours. Yeah, because I was… the system a little bit there. I didn’t know if you’d… I knew that this would infuriate you. I thought it would infuriate you more than it has. No, I love free stuff. Oh, I know, but I’m getting free stuff, not you. You’re not getting free stuff. I’m getting free stuff. Which makes you angry. No, I mean, if you’d been like, I got a big salami or something, I’d be like, well, maybe. No, I got steak dinners, stuff like that. Well, I’m a little bit jealous, but I mean, I’m glad for you. I mean, no, I didn’t know this was possible. Where is the Miles title I know and love who has been incredulous at the fact that I got anything? Why in the world would anyone give you something? Yeah.
I figure you probably like earn like more, you know, like you’re in so many motels, you have to earn like some kind of perks or something. Right. I do, but, uh, I actually don’t even exploit that that much, to be honest with you. I do have do the perks for certain ones, but, um, But no, this is beyond that. This is like private perks kind of situation. I mean, the ebb thing, not so much. But yeah, the other one. I got you a big chunk of salami here in this gift basket. Well, hold on. I went over to the bakery farm. I went down to the Frederick’s and I got you a dick insert. So when you’re down at the pool, you look like you got a big one.
Well, that’s above and beyond, Deb. I’ll give you that. Thanks, Deb. You got me pegged. I mean, I’m more jealous of the Vegas thing, I’ll be honest with you. Yeah, the Vegas one was over. That’s been one of the ones that was kind of the craziest. But I’ve gotten other stuff. I mean, to have an escort to go out to dinner with, yeah, okay, I’m down with that. Usually you get a dinner out of Vegas. or a lunch out of somebody. Let me just turn off the phone here. We’ll go out to dinner here i don’t want to, I really don’t like to do all that stuff. My, my boss who I, you know, was an underling for many many years he would he was like you, he’d just be like, right. I’m a piece of bread and this is gravy and i’m digging in you know what i mean i would definitely 100 like yeah you know what you know
Oh, I could use it to go bag with another sandwich. Yes. See, I think I would be like you. If I couldn’t use it, I’d be like, hey, I’ll pass this along to Roberta or something. Right, exactly. I’ll give it to her. Yeah, I do that a lot. I really don’t want a lot of this stuff most of the time, but some of it I turn down flat out, and some of it I just take it. to be gracious and then give it away to other people. I’d probably get like a lot of from the lost and found or something. Well, here’s a waft beater and some old gym shorts wow yeah you gotta quit making the gift baskets so nasty. Yeah. Oh, I got free hotel nights, you know, stuff like that. On the band-aid it was open. We don’t know if anyone used it, but
are you going to have anybody special in your room with you? No, you can’t. No, it’s just kind of a weird, uh, yeah, I’ve never really talked about this. Uh, and it’s been quite a while now, but I thought after this run that I recently had, I was like, Oh, I got so much shit, you know? Yeah. It was incredible that, the amount of stuff that I accumulated on these, these trips over this last few months. No, I just, I didn’t know this was happening. Well, yeah, I never talk about it, but I thought, you know, cause the guy at the door was just such a goofball. I thought, Oh, this is funny. He’s the perfect guy for it then. Yeah. Now do you, have you thought of, do you have a story for tonight? If not, yes. You triggered my,
Yes, you know, I can remember this all mopey, and you’re like, oh, okay, well, you’ll think of something stupid. I wish that I got a free massage. I’ll take anything. I would just like for someone to rub up against me in a tight hallway. I don’t care. Don’t matter. Anonymous. No, you said wife beater. That’s what triggered my memory. Oh, yeah, well, that’s… That in your restraining order. Yes. Yeah. And, uh, you know, I know there’s certain, you know, yard duties and stuff you do at home. And, uh, I assume, and, uh, you’re more of the yard guy than anyone else in your family. It sounds like the wife probably handles the inside duties and you kind of do that. So, uh, taking out the garbage, taking out the garbage, taking the garbage out of the curb. Right.
That’s the man’s duty. I got to do that this week. Yeah, but you do it pretty regularly, right? Yeah, if I’m here, that’s what I do. On a somewhat regular basis, and I do too. Tomorrow, for instance, is garbage day, and I guarantee all the neighbors have all their stuff out already anticipating this magical event that happens once. Right, well, because you don’t want to miss it because then you’re stuck with all the garbage for another week. And I always like to wait to the last possible minute to do it. And so like last week, I’m like, I got to get that out because there’s so much that’s going to be here in about less than half an hour. I know that. Oh my God. Half an hour. You still haven’t got your garbage out? No, no. I’m afraid like bums are going to go through it and stuff. Be like, Oh, in their right mind would rifle through your garbage. I don’t know. Some hobos or something. I don’t know. I’ll be like, you live at the,
Downtown Philadelphia or something? Jesus Christ. There’s not a bum for miles around your place. I live in East St. Louis, so laugh all you want. There’s no bums there either. They get killed. No, I don’t know. I love bums. You know that. I go, shit, I got to get that out. I just woke up. I’m like, man, I slept in my wife beater. I like to wear my wife beaters a lot. I just… I’m actually wearing one right now. I mean, you literally got like a C cup going on. How can a wife beater give you any kind of support? I look like Cindy Crawford, like in a Pepsi commercial walking around. Yeah. I don’t know about the Cindy Crawford part. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I, okay. I’m like, I gotta get out there, man. Like no, one’s going to be out there. So, you know, hopefully not, you know,
And so I, like, slip on, like, my work shoes, you know, which, you know, are kind of dark colors. I’m wearing my Bears PJs bottoms as I like to wear, you know. Right, yeah. Do they fit? For the most part, yes. Are they saggy or are they super tight? Because the only clothes you have are either saggy or super tight. No, they’re saggy, yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah, very sick so your pants are falling down as you’re walking out with a girl Yeah, I have to kind of like one use one hand like to take like the barrel and the other hand is like holding up my pants. Right, right. And so you can map so i got this cute ensemble going on, you know, right? So I got a white beater, pajamas, dark shoes on, I’m ready to go. You know, and i go outside and i go, oh man, this thing’s heavy black coat black hat cadillac something yeah right just like that
And I’m like struggling, you know, cause I’m one handed and I’m like, oh shit, this thing’s heavy. I would say you do most things with one hand. Let’s be honest. Uh, well, pretty much, pretty much. And, uh, I, man, I was like, I was struggling. I’m going to be honest with you. I was struggling a little bit. It was heavy. Like a lot of garbage in here. I’m like, you know, I’m trying to get it going and I finally get it going and I look out and my neighbor Miyagi is out. Oh. And he has the most disturbing smile on his face watching me. Oh, you missed it. And he’s gloating. No, no, no. He’s not gloating. He’s just like a crazy-ass smile with the mouth slightly open and the eyes kind of wide. I don’t know if he thinks this is funny or a turn-on or what. Oh, you and your…
I don’t know. I was so weirded out. I mean, it was just like, you know, like you ever feel like someone’s watching you and you look up and turn off, you know, it’s like, oh, okay. Well, you go, all of a sudden you hear, I believe in miracles. Where are you from? You sexy thing, you sexy thing, you. And I raped, I think, by Miyagi here. I’m like, what the fuck? It’s so weird. I’m like, I didn’t even want to take it out to the curb. I’m like, you know what? I mean, I’ll just come back later. You know, that’s exactly what it felt like. I felt like some woman walking past a construction zone. I’m like, oh, boy. How did you know I needed you? Yeah, I know. I was like, okay, listen. Yeah, so then did you cinch up your bathrobe? I cinched up my cheeks. I’m like, no way. Yeah.
Well, you know, maybe Miyagi’s like, boobs, boobs, what’s the difference? Yeah, I don’t know. I’m sure he thought it was funny. I’m just going to go with that. Side boob going on. Yeah. I just thought that was very personal. The only difference between you and my wife is the hairy nipples. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. She can’t even help that, damn it. But, yeah. Did you flash him, or No, I just turned away, like, you know, I thought, like, we would break eye contact at some point and like no like like no he’s got a detractor beam on, you know like he’s like all those bears jerseys were these two, you know, massive twins yeah Like your pregnancy. Yeah. Yeah. Like you couldn’t even, I mean, yeah. How do you even get that? I mean, you like, you lift your arms. So there’s no, you’re underneath. Just one look. He thought you were transitioning. He’s like, I don’t know what he thought. I just, I just wanted to go. I was like,
But I’m going to go out at night. Like, after this is done, I swear to God, I’m going out and doing dark outs. I switched up my house coat. Yeah. I only wish I was wearing a house coat. Believe me. I just, yeah. Where did you come from, baby? How nice. Well, Mr. Miyagi, he’s a good guy. He’s, you know, maybe he was just trying to figure it all out, you know? It’s like whenever you see something that you don’t understand, you just gotta stare at it until you figure it out. He’s from a different culture. We can’t judge. I don’t know. That’s true. He kept saying, lady boy, lady boy. I go, I don’t know what that means, but man. Yeah, I’m not sure. I’m not sure what you’re getting at there, Miyagi. I don’t know. Hey, my eyes are up here. Yeah, I know. That’s what I felt like. Excuse me.
He’s like, oh, is it cold out? It’s freaking me out, man. Just please break the eye contact. Please break the eye contact. Please stop. Yeah. Well, that’s interesting. Well, apparently you didn’t realize it, but you’re his type. I guess. I don’t know. I was like, what the fuck? Nothing like fat Polish women walking out the garbage. I guess. So you guys going to go out to dinner? Uh, yeah, no, we did. He kept the whole time. He’s like, Hey cutie. All right. One dinner, one free massage and that’s it, man. But I have my own hotel. Oh baby, give me one more chance. Yeah. So bizarre. The whole thing. Very bizarre. EPC. come on come on come on let me tell you what it’s all about

Bad AI Transcript of the show this week

She said. That’s all she said. She’s large. She’s large. She’s large. Hey everyone, Miles here. Did you hear that tonight? Yeah, a little bit, yeah. A little bit? Okay, kind of low. Yeah. Working on it. Mm-hmm. Unbreakable. We alive, damn it. Where’s this girl at? What’s up? Where’s that girl at? Isn’t there a girl that says something? A girl that says something? Yeah, like, you’re live. Oh, that already happened. You missed it. Oh, fuck. Live streaming is on. You weren’t paying attention. Yeah, that’s what… Yeah, that’s what you’re doing. Not paying attention. Just spending an hour trying to start a stream of urine for Cry 6. Cry 6. I’m old now. How is it? What? Explain this to me. Let’s go out of the show. Let’s just go out of the show. Okay, let’s go. I don’t. Yeah, the whole stream of urine thing. I’m not quite getting. Yeah, you don’t want it. Yeah. What do you do?
Stick something up your peen when you’re young or something? What’s going on? That’s another story. Like a kazoo up there or something? Yeah. And you can play too. It’s a flute. It’s a flute. I was thinking it was a literal skin flute. Just saying. Yeah, they call me Bubbles. Well, I have something strange to talk about tonight. Very strange. You didn’t introduce yourself. I did. You’re not fucking paying attention. I said, this is Bob. Welcome to the show. Oh, I didn’t hear that either, man. God, let me rewind everything. Jesus. No, I’ll forget. Okay, just go. This guy is like blinking. You miss it. Mr. Pay attention. I’m sitting here. watching the wheels go round and round. All right. Yeah, so this is Bob. And this is Miles. There you go. Okay. I got one story for you. Go ahead. Now I took a time on that. So this is a few weeks ago. And I was driving on the highway. I was going up to Decatur. Yes. And
uh i can’t remember where it was that exactly because maybe this will be uh mean something to somebody and they can kind of explain this to me or something but so i think it was close to glenarm or uh you know somewhere just outside of springfield illinois okay i go i’m driving and you know there’s lots of overpasses on the highway and i’m driving down the highway, you know, at 75 miles an hour, whatever this highway speed is. And I swear, I saw something like hang its head down from the overpass, underneath the overpass, in the girders yeah yeah and then and then like kind of looked around, and then went back up into the girders. Now… Okay. Yeah, I know. Are there children up in the girders? Well… I mean, it was so much so… I mean, I was approaching it. I wasn’t under it yet.
This thing like drops like just, you know, kind of like head and shoulders. Yeah. Looks around right back up. And I’m like, and so then as I’m going underneath there, I’m like leaned way forward so I can try to look up while I’m driving. I mean, it was so freaky and it wasn’t like, uh, it was like a child size thing. Yeah. It wasn’t like a construction type person, you know what I’m saying? It wasn’t like the village people, was it? No, it wasn’t the village people, I don’t think. Unless it was the diminutive village people, perhaps. Was it a manatee? It wasn’t a manatee. That would be big. You could be mistaken for a manatee. Yeah, that’s true. And so, yeah, I was so weirded out. I was like, it was like child size, and there was no features. It was totally black. Like, just darkness. Maybe it was smooth. The shape of a child’s head and shoulders. Yeah. Any ideas? Uh…
Are there any escaped monkeys maybe? Everybody goes for the monkey, right? Anytime you see something hanging up from underneath the overpass, it’s always a monk. I don’t think there was any escaped monkeys in the area. I mean, you always hear about that on the news. When it was kind of cold, you know what I mean? Yeah. It’s been probably like two months ago, maybe. Yeah, two months ago. It was a bear cup. No, round head. Hmm. Roundish, not like a bear, which got the ears and all that, you know. That was weird. That was, it was really weird. I mean. It waved to you and handed you a beer and you’re like, wow. No, no, it didn’t wave at me just like just like i said looked out, looked around and then popped back up. Gone. A large rock didn’t hit your car, did it? After you passed no all right okay it’s not a kid. Okay.
No, well, I have been in a car that’s been hit by a large rock. In the past. Yes. I don’t know. This is, uh. Yeah, I almost came through the windshield. That big, it was a huge rock. It was like silent bowling ball. Like someone threw it at you? Yeah. Actually, I was talking i went to front to my friend indicator Yeah, yeah, that happened. The big rock happened in decatur yeah yeah okay yeah you said there was something like before where i almost got myself killed because of two times. Once when the rock hit and then once because we started chasing people. And that was probably not the right thing to do in that part of town so yeah i was younger so yeah i did not stop. I did not uh
investigate any further other than I was like really like what the hell just happened you didn’t pull over and like get out your flashlight I was just like oh my gosh there’s a guy hanging wait a minute it was like a kid hanging from the overpass underneath just his head not like his whole body but then I’m like no there’s not there’s a man on the wing yeah exactly I looked in my rearview mirror I was really kind of like, what the hell? Yeah. It looked like somebody was just curious and just looked around and then went back. That’s weird. It was weird. That is weird. I’ve been saving that one for you. There you go. Well, you talk to all these cryptid people all the time. Why don’t you just email them?
I will. I mean, I’ll eventually get to that, but, you know, I like I thought I’d throw it at you first and see what little information I would get you well this is a new cryptoid, you know, I mean, the bridge street overpass or whatever and you know it’s called the turd burglar yeah and orgenta arienta or the fuck yeah yeah Yeah. I don’t know. That’s weird. No, I’ve never had something like that. Now you’ve got me interested. Well, I mean, you always have these, like, I saw an orb. Hey, I saw an orb. Well, I usually doubt you whenever you’re like, hey, there was an earthquake this morning. I’m like, no, there wasn’t. You know, there was. Yeah, there was. Remember? Like, I’m always doubting you. Yeah, well, that’s because you were whacking off in the shower. You’re like, no, there wasn’t an earthquake. Yeah.
Eric was moving for me. I know that. And then you find out it’s true. You’re like, oh, hey. I’m really good at distracting myself. That is weird. So you saw some kind of cryptid or something. I saw something. I don’t know what it was. It poked its head out, looked around, and just… It was a blink and you miss it kind of a situation. I can tell you that. Was it a bird, maybe? No, because it was too big. It was literally child-sized. It looked like a child-sized shadow. Yeah. That’s weird. It wasn’t man-sized. Yeah. It definitely was smaller than that. Was it the little guy from Game of Thrones? Was it that guy? Peter Dinklage. Well, he’s got, I think, average size head, but he’s just very diminutive. This was like, you know, swimming from the overpass. I think you can put out a book on this, like all the cryptoids you’ve seen. I’m adding it to my list. Your UFO sightings, now you’ve got cryptids. Mm-hmm.
Ghosts? You were in a haunted church to the shadow thing that i saw, so. Yeah. But it was under an overpass, so i wasn’t sure what to call it. And it was daytime, right? Oh, yeah. It was uh like probably like eight seven or eight in the morning yeah i was i was trucking on up north, and then i think you need to check this out. Well, I wasn’t going to stop. I was on a schedule. Oh, I see. I’m always in, you know, I don’t just drive around like you aimlessly. Hey, today I think I’ll just burn a tank of gas. Let’s go. That is me. That is funny. You’re always doing that. You’re like, let’s see how far we can go this way before we have to turn around and come back.
and then i about it like, I just spent 30 bucks for nothing, man. Yeah, I just burned a whole tank of gas for no reason. I’m an idiot. All I got was this fantastic, greasy burger yeah yeah so i mean i’m always i’ve got to meet somebody, or i’ve got to be somewhere, or Man on the road very purposeful right you just wouldn’t drive around and be like No, that’s not me. That’s weird. I don’t know. That’s strange and funny. Strange and humorous. I like strange stories with no conclusion. I do like them. I’ve been up that way since then. Didn’t see anything. But I will keep an eye out. And you were by yourself, right? Yeah, I was by myself. You did not get video or anything? No.
I don’t have it installed at the moment, but I have a dash cam. I believe it. I should have run that with me. I might have to do that. I had a dash cam for five years and I ran it continuously for probably about four and a half years or whatever. I had to get my windshield replaced, so I had to take it all apart. I haven’t put it back together again. The whole idea, the reason I got the dash cam was to catch wildlife running across the road because I had that wolf running in front of me. All right. Yeah. And no one believed me. And so then I’m like, I’m going to get an effing dash cam. I’ll tell you. When I got the dash cam, nothing ever happened. Yeah. Yeah.
That’s what happens. The dash cam just doesn’t happen. Today, just today, you’re going to laugh at this. This is another weird one. For a half an hour, I watched a fox and a cat play in my yard. Isn’t this like some old cartoon or children’s book or something? A fox and a hound. This was a fox and a cat. They played. They looked… they were either doing a very poor job of fighting or they were playing. Oh, they literally. So I got up really early. I had to go do something, not waste gas. Yeah. And I got back early. So I got back, I got back, I got up and left and went and did an errand for my job. And I got back here and it was like maybe eight 15.
and I sat down to have some water and I’m sitting there and I have the big window open, big sliding glass door looking out into my backyard which has got woods. Out comes this fox and he’s prancing around my yard. And then he, like I’ve got a big wide view of this and He goes into the woods and then this cat chases him out of the woods. And then it’s chasing him around my backyard. And I have some, I’ve been doing, you know, I did a bunch of yard work. I mentioned I was tearing up, you know, stumps and whatnot. So I’ve got like some, you know, branches and stuff out in a pile out in the backyard that I need to deal with.
and they were running around the branches. And then at one point the fox is close. So I can see the Fox. I can’t see the cat. The cat comes shooting over the top of these branches onto the fox yeah so i think i think uh pretty soon we’re gonna have little fox like kittens. Oh, I want to see this. But anyway, I don’t know that they were doing it but uh yeah Yeah, but it was weird. I mean, I sat there and watched it for probably at least 25, 30 minutes, I swear. These things are ripping around my yard. You got to get out your camera, your brother-in-law’s piss camera. I took a picture of it. Get out your brother-in-law’s piss video camera. I did take a picture to share with my wife because she never believes me when I see stuff. Yeah.
But yeah, that was, I mean, that’s another weird thing, but apparently there’s, I was actually, my wife told me, she’s like, foxes are becoming domesticated. I haven’t heard that. You haven’t. Well, there’s an article about it. And because they’re, they’re like coming close. The people are encroaching upon their territory, but they’re becoming more friendly. And so they’ll in areas, they’re becoming like dogs, basically like pets. Yeah. So, yeah, he was just running around, having a good old time. His cat was chasing him. I’ve only seen foxes, I think, twice in my life. Oh, really? Out in the wild, yeah. Well, I told you, I seen a fox in my backyard that was like the Arnold Schwarzenegger of foxes, right? It was like super huge and muscular fox. But this one was more like a regular fox that you’d see in the zoo or something.
You need to have like an animal bingo card. I think like all the, I keep wanting to buy a, uh, like a game cam, put it out there, but I want to get a really good game cam. So I keep talking to myself about it because it costs so much money. So all the money you’re saving by not driving around like me. I mean, true. If I just, if I would, uh, if I was spending your kind of money on gas, just, I could have had two or three game cams by now, at least. So we can see this so-called cat fox play miracle. Well, it happens. These weird things happen all the time. Yeah. Now I’m seeing these giant birds, but that’s a whole other thing. Oh, thunderbirds. Oh, here we go. No, no, not thunderbird. There’s a lake, and these cranes will fly in, and these things are freaking huge. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, like a pterodactyl coming in. Yeah, you see the shadow like blocks out the sun and then they come down and it’s just a big crane. Oh, yeah, they’re cool. Yeah. Yeah, we have a lot of those coming in here lately, it seems like. So it’s just like, what the frick is that? Man, you’re lucky seeing all this, man. Yeah. And then there’s this raccoon in the evening. Yeah. Every night, he runs across my neighbor’s driveway. I can see my neighbor’s driveway. He comes out across my neighbor’s driveway. I don’t know where he’s going. Do you feed him? He’s like a DoorDash raccoon. He’s going to bring it back. I don’t know what he’s doing. Do you feed him? No. You refuse to feed him? No, I don’t refuse to. Unlike yourself, I’m not going to spend my money on…
Raccoon chow or whatever to stick out there. Raccoon chow. My good man. Would you have some raccoon chow back there, please, sir? Is that raccoon chow you have in that bowl, sir? Yes. As opposed to the fox, the raccoon does not want to be seen. He is very sneakily running around where the foxes didn’t do a crap. They’re not colonel. Yeah. No, that’s why I said that. But he comes out in daylight, though, which is also weird. I mean, it’s close to night, but it’s not night. Yeah. We have a bunch of raccoons around here. And bunnies and squirrels. It’s going to be upsetting my dog. He’s looking at me like… Cavalcade of animals here. Yeah. So what’s going on with you, by the way? Well, I was playing with my cat and raccoon and fox and dog. Oh,
my box. You’re all my friends. We were in Narnia together. Everybody, come on. Mr. Thomas. I went garage sale with my youngest son. He’s an adult. Is this the first time this year? You know, I I occasionally stop by one or two, you know, I mean, I don’t know if it’s the first one this year, but any garage that’s open, I’ll stop and take a look around and see what I want. It’s free. I mean, I just go on. There’s no pricing. It’s free. And no, this was like one of these townwide garage sales, you know, like these little, you know, podunk towns. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Come on down. Rednecks got the garages open. Come on down. Right. I’m like, well, let’s go see some rednecks. Let’s go. Yeah.
Yeah. Let’s go waste some gas, son. Come on. I just put 40 bucks in that gas tank. We’re going to do it. I just filled her up. Let’s go run it out before mom has to go to work on Monday. I just took out $500 cash. We’re going to do it right now. And, uh, just a bunch of crap, you know, just a huge amount of crap, you know, just like, yeah. You like, you love the crap. Oh, I love my baby clothes. Oh, I love my baby clothes. Oh. I love a good baby. That is too small for you to actually put on. Yeah, no, I, there was like, yeah, I was just like, there was like, these aren’t for adults. I have an inner child, but it’s not mine. I just like the smell of baby clothes. Yummy. And, uh, so no, there was like, you know, I,
not even the least bit interested in all this crap, you know, crap, crap, crap. You know, like it’s being at your house, like all this crap, crap, crap, little candle crap. Bob would have that crap. Crap. And, uh, what’s that? You got a bears logo on it. I was looking for bears logos. Actually, I was looking for the, uh, special edition, um, The McMahon candle with the bears logo and the shades and a headband. How much you want for that used bears thong out there? How much? How much? And, uh, you know, we’d already been to a few and like completely struck out. I’m like, ah, my son’s like, well, let’s go. Let’s see a few more. I said, okay. What’s he looking for? Is he just humoring you? I just, you know, we look around to see what the hell, you know? Okay.
sometimes you get lucky, you know, who knows, but, uh, and so there’s this house and, uh, for some reason, this guy’s got like this huge, uh, like, uh, flag of ireland flying outside. I don’t know why, but i’m like, okay. Maybe he’s Irish. I, well, I took it to be Irish. He’s got like all of his goodies for sale. He’s got a harley for sale out in the yard and he’s got that’s big doings there. some old pickup truck out there for sale. I’m like, oh, this is a good old boy, man. He’s a downside. Come on in, guys. Come on in to the Redneck Special. Get in here now. Right? We go in and my son actually bought some shoes from this guy. What kind of shoes was he selling?
No, they were just some nice dress shoes. He’s like, well, these are new, boy. I never wore them. If they were used shoes, I wouldn’t buy them. I don’t know. They looked in good condition. They did. I’ll believe you. Okay, so they’re transacting this, and I’m looking around, and I’m like, crap, crap, crap. Wait, like cookie cutter things, you know, little cookie cutter, you know. Just what you need. Yeah. I don’t really need them, but I’m looking at them. Now, I’ve described the guy, the house, the layout, right? In the middle. I could entertain your mother with these cookie cutters by pushing them into my belly at night. I would have green stars, purple horseshoes, and blue diamonds. Yeah. You want to see the Christmas tree, huh? I bobbed my belly. Christmas tree looks like a butt plug if you look at it. I didn’t even get into doing your butt cheeks. In the middle of this is… I had to get some ethnic help on this, I guess, because I had to identify what was in this picture, but
There were two, I would say Hebrew symbols. Okay. In the midst of this, I thought, oh, okay. Cause there’s a thing, the star David, which I knew what it was like. Okay. Well, that’s good. And there’s another thing I go, I don’t know what it is, but I know this is, you know, some Hebrew writing or something. I didn’t know what it was. And it threw me. Cause I’m like, this gentleman just really does not come off as, you know, being like Jewish or anything, you know, Irish, Irish Jew. Yeah, I’m like, I was really confused. He’s a redneck Irish Jew. I go, I don’t know, this is too much to take in. I think that’s a country song. I was a redneck Irish Jew. And the town he was in certainly would not allow it, I’m sure. I believe Larry David is going to be singing that on his new country album because everybody’s got one. What? What? I was selling my cookie cutter. What? What? Yeah.
So many questions. I just, I was so tempted. I don’t know why. I just was so tempted just to ask this guy, like, could you give me a background on this? Because I just. I thought you were going to say, can you give me a back rub? Can you give me, you know, I’m not really into a lot of things, but could you give me a back rub, please? The possibility of you being a masseuse was very high. I’m full of all sorts of surprises, boy. Okay. Yeah. I just, I don’t know. I found that very bizarre. I’m like, wow, why would he have star? Did you buy it? Oh, okay. Oh, by the way, I had to go to our friend CB, you know, cause CB is really right. Did you take a picture and send it to CB? Yes, I did. I go CB, help me out quick. I need this. I go, what is that? He goes, oh, well, there’s this game we play, blah, blah, blah. It’s a dreidel. Like, oh, I know what that is. It’s a dreidel. Yeah. It was a dreidel. Yeah.
Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. I made you out of clay. Which I didn’t, you know, I mean, I don’t know i i didn’t know what it meant you know like i don’t know that was my guest, Star David Dreidel. There you go. Yeah, I don’t know. I just look like something out of raiders of the lost Ark. I didn’t know what it was. Hey, kid, it’s a lost dreidel. I mean, now that i look at the shape, I go, oh, okay, that’s okay. I don’t know. It was just weird. I don’t know. I did not peg this. This completely threw me. Completely threw me. Okay. Yeah. So you didn’t buy anything then? You didn’t buy… You know, I didn’t. Really, just the shoes, really. I don’t think we bought anything. Well, I guess we bought something else. What was that? Yeah.
A gross of paper bags. Are you serious? Yeah, a gross paper bag. Like what size paper bag? Big. Like grocery bag or lunch bag? Piggly Wiggly. Were they really Piggly Wigglies? No, no, but it was that size. I mean, it was like, I don’t know. I would probably buy a gross of Piggly Wiggly bags. Yeah. Just because they had Piggly Wiggly on them. No, I don’t know. No, I don’t know. It’s all this stupid crap people sell, you know. A gross of grocery bags. Wow. Yeah. What do you get for your lunch? Yeah, my lunch. I like to take, like, a full-size, you know, crash bag. I can put a whole bag in here, honey. I’m hungry, Mom. Yeah, all these weirdos selling stuff. You’re sneaking office supplies out of the office. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
You really got to have that big of a lunch bag. Yeah. And then like people that sell this crap, you know, they’re all different. Like some people don’t talk at all. You know, they’re very. Cause they don’t really want to sell it. Yeah. Like my wife’s making me do this, you know, kind of like. That would be me. That would be what I would be. I’d be like. I’m selling this white diamonds perfume, but I don’t really want to, you know. I’m like. oh my God, this guy’s gonna buy this gross of grocery bags. Shit. You get the kind of the small talkers. This guy had like the same canned speech for everyone. Hey, we’re having a pretty good weather day. What do you think yeah that’s alright yeah it’s good. These people 30 seconds later, walk up. Hey, we’re having a pretty good weather day. What do you think? I’m like, you whore. You are a whore, sir. You just said that to me. Exactly.
And then you’re like, you guys need to buy any grocery sacks? I will undercut this man right now with my gross paper bags. I will undercut this son of a bitch. You know what this garage sale needs? Some grocery bags. I’ll sell you some for a dollar. You want a dreidel? Yeah, a dreidel. Dreidel. They’ll be like, what’s a dreidel? What? It’s like you. What? What is this? I don’t know. I had no idea what it was. I don’t know. Oh my gosh. Okay. Oh. Oh. Oh. Any other interesting tidbits? Did you get like a bargain on a sex swing or anything? Uh, you know, there was no, cause I mean you do, you know, every once in a while, like we got old nudie mags out here right next to the kids toys. If you want to, you know, you ever go to,
garage sale though there’s something like completely inappropriate you know they’re like what the fuck is this i don’t think i mean i’ve seen that no people like like dirty videos yeah and like nudie makes like all yeah really okay uh you like boobies it’s right next to the uh you know i don’t think i’ve ever seen any pornography yet well not often i’m just saying yeah i’ve i’ve seen stuff you know Apparently, you’ve had a lot of garage sales. I have gone to some garage sales, yes. No, I mean at your house, because your wife’s like, we’re getting rid of these. Oh, no, no, no, no. Every time you have garage sales, try to get rid of them, and then you just get more. Mine are stowed away safely in the basement in an old speaker box. Oh, I was going to say, hermetically sealed. No, no. Because I recall, if I recall. Yeah.
At least one of your sons had a Jenny McCarthy playboy in his time capsule or something. I have no comment to that. Absolutely no comment. Yeah, because I think I was hanging out whenever that got stowed. Yeah, maybe. I don’t know. It’s hard to say. It’s hard to say. You really can’t peg that that way. that’s i wasn’t around for the other one, so i have yeah i don’t know. You make it up. I don’t know. Figure it out. When’s he gonna open that, by the way? No, you know, I showed it to my oldest son. He could care less. He’s like, oh, you just throw it all that way. I’m like, Oh, nice. Oh, my God. Don’t throw it away, Dad. Don’t throw it away. I was just joking. I was just joking. I was going to throw away all that shit you collected when I was born. Quit crying. God. My dad’s crying now. Look at him. Yeah. You had a pretty good day. Yeah, it was a fun day. Yeah.
Fun day was had by all. Uh-huh. Well, maybe next time you’ll hit the nudie mag. Jackpot. Yeah, jackpot.

Bad AI Transcript

Hey, everybody, and welcome to this conversation with, I’m going to butcher your name, Jeff, Jeff Dwoskin. Close. We only talked for 10 minutes, you could have asked. Dwoskin, Dwoskin. Oh, that was going to go with Dwoskin, and I thought, for sure, it’s not Dwoskin, it’s Dwoskin. Oh, wow. I ruined that one. He is at jeffisfunny.com. He is a pop culture expert at this point, right? Would you say that? How many of the 10,000 hours do you have in for a pop culture expert? I think I’m 100,000 in. Well, 10 times. So he’s a 10x pop culture expert. And… You know, I was trying to remember where I ran into you at, Jeff, but I couldn’t today. I need to take better notes when I’m doing these things. But I happened upon you, and I thought, hey, this guy looks really interesting. So your background has varied quite a bit. First of all, you’re from Michigan, and I think you still live in Michigan. Am I right? Correct. Correct. So you’re a Michigander?
I’m a Michigander, yes. Okay. So, I mean, that alone. So, I’m in St. Louis. We are, you know, what would you call that? We’re vertical from each other, right? So, straight up Michigan. St. Louis is great. You got Enterprise Rent-A-Car down there. That’s right. What have you got there? Well, we got Enterprise Rent-A-Car, Theater Car. They’re all here. we have Motown. Yeah, I think you got us beat on some of these things. We got the Arch. Who cares? We got the mackinac Ridge. There you go. Mackinac. Got Mackinac Island. You got Sand Dunes. Yeah, you got a place where they don’t let people drive a car, which is amazing um considering that you can drive a car just about anywhere um yeah i mean you know, it’s good. We got the highest murder rate per capita.
Awesome. That’s a good, we’ve, we’ve been bumped off by Camden, New Jersey, I think a couple of times, but we’re somewhere in the top 10. Right. I mean, you don’t want to be second. Right. Yeah. But we’ve been number one, a couple of times I know within the last few years, cause I keep seeing it on my feed because it’s like, Oh, you’re in St. Louis. Guess what? People die there randomly. Um, so yeah, I don’t think it’s, it’s not random. I don’t think. Well, Random is just people going… Well, you’ve never driven on the highway. No, it may not be that random. I don’t know. But there was a person who was just firing guns off while they were driving down the highway. So that’s kind of random. Not to bring everything down, Jeff. Bring us back up. So you’re a Michigander. You are the pop culture…
10X pop culture expert, but you’re also a programmer. Is that right? Or some type of social media whiz kid? Not a programmer, but I am a product strategist, digital strategist. Oh, I’m sorry. No, it’s all right. I just come up with the idea. Is that like a sanitation engineer? That sounds a little constructed to me. No, no. It just means I don’t know how to literally program it. I just know how to say it. These pieces should do this. Nowadays, AI, I mean, it’s on the way. You’re going to be able to do it. Jeff, I have faith that this is going to be, by the end of this year, you will be a programmer in some way, shape, or form. Don’t be totally fooled by some of those sites. I mean, they have to advance a lot. If you want to talk AI for half a second, but when you build one of those things, you just can’t change it.
You can’t just easily change it. A lot of times it has to be connected to a database and it’s got to do this. There’s a little bit. It’s not totally code free. You know all that stuff. Go tell your programmer you’re going to hand him one of those code free things and see how long he doesn’t quit. Apparently you’re an HR expert as well. You’re a comedian as well. Is that correct? I have done standup comedy for quite some time. So out of all these things, I mean, obviously you’re kind of a Renaissance kind of guy, as they would say out of all these things, which one is your favorite, which is my favorite. Uh, which is your favorite. I think I, I love them all. And so I kind of juggle, but if I were to children, come on, let’s just go. I mean, on a day to day basis, I like being the, uh,
technical guru guy. But when i’m on stage doing comedy, then there’s nothing better than that. Oh, okay. So you kind of, it’s like a duality of sorts. Right. I’m like Batman, but without. So wait a minute. Okay. So is your comedy very grim? yeah I just like the chick across the road to get to the other side. i mean, that, that’s the, be the batman side of it. I don’t know. Maybe you’re that way in the, uh, for the social media stuff. I just mean dual personalities yeah you’re like you’re like instagram’s going downhill. Um, no, that’s interesting though. But so, so you kind of juggle all these different things. Which one would you say you have to do the most of out of that? all out of that combination of comedy. I don’t do as much anymore. Just after covet i kind of,
chilled on it a bit and just, uh, covet uh, a lot of people got creative during covet and there was like 500 more comedians at the end of it so i just i kind of backed off of that a little bit. And then, um, so my, I mean, the majority of my day is, is my company called stampede.social, but like, uh, and then i do the podcast where i interview pop culture folks, you know? So, you know, maybe i’ll do, there’s some weeks i’ll do one interview, a couple, sometimes i’ll do two, you know, it depends. It’s a weird, um, it’s a weird group that i interview because it’s like, it’s whenever they say yes, I’ll do it. You know what i mean i don’t know my schedule when they say yes. I can try and spread it out. You know, some of them are really old or much older, you know? So it’s like, I don’t put those off. Right. Let’s get that. Let’s take care what are you trying to say? You have a whole
pile of things that are released on certain days that the news breaks or something like that uh no but i do have like um i have lots and lots of episodes unreleased. If anything would happen right now, there’d be lost episodes for months from oh wow now that’s a good question. So here’s, I have never understood that, right? So I’ve been doing this for quite some time and i don’t understand the the caching of all of the content. What’s, what’s, what’s your thoughts on why you have such a, a cache of stuff in the, in the backdrop there? Um, it’s, it’s not that I, it’s not that I’m proud of it or anything. I mean, it’s per se that it’s, it’s partially because of the answer to the thing I just randomly said, which was, you know, if I reach out, I put out one episode a week. Okay. So, um,
But if I record two a week, right? So then that creates a backlog, right? And so if I do that month after month, then I continuously have a backlog. Ah, I see. And then the benefit to having a backlog is I can then choose the order I want to release them. So meaning like, if i talk to a bunch of comedians and i talk to a bunch of, um, you know, maybe actress from this or, you know, people from that, I can then kind of, I have the luxury of not doing five comedians in a row just because i happen to interview five comedians in a row because they said yes. So there’s that. I, when i interview people, I try and keep it evergreen. So even if we interview, did something today and i were to release it tomorrow,
I would try to remove any specific references that you make to a specific point in time, unless it’s a very generic, like, you know, like if you say like tomorrow’s Ringo Starr’s birthday, you know, maybe I’d leave that because you know what, if you want to look that up, I guess, you know what I mean? But like, you know, but, oh yeah, but this Memorial day and, but I released it in January. I were like, you know what I’m saying? Like those things that can remove you from the moment. I’ll kind of say, out or the things that you might have a tornado today or several people might have a tornado today tonight into tomorrow i yeah that’s true that’s true i you know well you know like i released an episode that, I mean, I’m embarrassed to say it, it was a couple weeks ago, but like i recorded in 2020 and and so a lot of covid references on that one so i took most of them out. Like a lot of
loud i took out a lot and jeff i can’t smell anything. What’s wrong? Jeff. Well, not like that but like uh but you know this banana tastes like plastic. I didn’t want someone to be able to hear it now. I want you to be able to listen to an episode i did two years ago anyway and just enjoy it in the moment and not be like, oh, this was dated. So I think we should add curator to your list of uh Like, I don’t specifically interview people that have a new show coming out. It’s not that I don’t or wouldn’t. It’s not my primary. I don’t get into those PR cycles that some people do where they’re like, you know, where they talk to someone, you know, it’s like, well, my show is coming out tomorrow on Amazon. Right. You know, and then you’re listening to two weeks, two years from now. And that show didn’t go anywhere. Right.
Things are bomb. Yeah. I mean, it’s one thing if you’re like just mentioning it and it’s like a lot of times it’s based around people writing books, but books, you know, books are like podcasts. Once you release it exists forever. So it doesn’t really, well, you know what I’m saying? Right. And so it’s like, you know, it’s sometimes like, you know, if you’re talking about, you know, Oh, Hey, yeah. We’re about to shoot season two of the Sopranos. Yeah. That brings me to another question for you, because the interesting thing is you’re talking about being evergreen, right? But the realities are that some things are not always evergreen, right? So, for instance, as I was perusing your website, I saw that you had not one, but two of the sons from My Three Sons, right? Yeah.
And I’m not picking on these guys because I did watch that show in syndication a long time ago. But, you know, that was a huge show during its day and through probably up until the 90s. It was still playing regularly and probably still plays regularly somewhere. But now it’s kind of, you know, it’s it’s fallen off a bit. If I say my three sons, people would be like, what? What are you talking about? Are you talking about my two dads? No. Are you talking about, you know, two, what was it? Two and a half men. Yeah. You know what I’m saying? So it’s interesting because I saw that and I was impressed. I’ll be honest with you. I’m like, wow, I got to talk to Ernie. But the other side of it, as you’re just talking there, I’m like, well, but, you know, the Ernie-ites are getting to be fewer. Well,
Well, Bob, happy to know I have one more interview coming from that show. I’m sorry. No, no, I’m just saying. But it’s evergreen in the sense of the conversation that I’m having. So the whole point of my podcast is to talk to people from the shows that I watched when I grew up. That’s the whole point. I always like to say they were really famous when they were famous. Gotcha. Okay. And so they’ve done some… Some of them have done… Actually, Barry Livingston, Ernie, who you mentioned, who you’re a fan of. He’s still acting like he’s like one of those. That was an interesting thing about him. He’s like one of those actors, you know, like Jodie Foster, Kurt Russell, you know, like that were from that time that even still act to this day. But the idea was like to me, Evergreen, what I mean by that is like.
We don’t necessarily talk at the end about, oh, I got this thing coming out in a month. Because most of the time, that conversation is, I got something coming out, but I can’t talk about it. I’ve learned to avoid those conversations. Little things like that. I interviewed someone once, and they’re like, yeah, in October, I’m going to a Comic-Con. I just took that out. But you don’t know that I took it out. Nobody knows I took it out. I just mean like… The conversation that I have like with the folks from my three sons, the idea of it is the whole idea of the podcast is that I watch these shows growing up and it’s not always just shows I watched growing up, but I mean, that’s the core of it. And if, if, if anyone that I know who would be interested in things that I’m interested, got a chance to talk to them, this would be the conversation that they would have and they would enjoy it vicariously through me because I’m,
actually doing the one i’m the one talking to them right so uh you know so that’s that’s that’s how i kind of look at the podcast and, you know, that kind of thing. Okay. Yeah. I’m just, I’m over interpreting evergreen apparently. So, well, evergreen in the sense that, um, you know, the, the continuity of the moment. Right. So it’s like, you know, if you’re listening to my judy tenuta interview, obviously it’s not a new interview. She passed away right so you know that had to have been done at some particular point in time. Although that could be a whole other show for you because then you could get William Frawley and Bub and really pile on Fred McMurray. If you know this much about My Three Sons, you should be binging my podcast. Evergreen to me is something that just dates it from the time you’re listening to it. That’s what I mean.
you know, if we’re talking about Christmas, if you’re listening to the episode that just released today and we’re talking about Christmas, then you know, you know i mean it’s i guess it’s all in context. It’s all in context of the conversation. I guess it’s like, you know i mean it’s like it’s things like that. I just, I don’t like it to feel dated. I feel like I, I want you to feel like, I guess the best way to say it is i want you to feel like you discovered it right now. And it sounds as if you’re in you’re in the room. It’s as fresh as it is right now as possible as You’re on the party line listening in. Good thing I live down the road from Jeff. I get to hear about all these cool things. Well, he’s not paying attention. But so I think that’s really interesting. And there is this whole almost a genre necessarily because it’s not a genre in and of itself. But there’s been a turn in media, I would say,
Somewhere in the late 90s into the 2000s, right? So prior to that, you know, the last probably big turn in basically talking about television was the fact that they went from black and white to color. And so then all these black and white shows still played for quite some time. But then they started phasing them out because everybody wanted to see things in color for the most part. But not totally. And it had to do with syndication and cable. And, you know, so the Internet as it came along, a lot of that went away. You know, you don’t have Nick at Night or, you know, all these things that used to be in existence that would kind of sop up all of these shows that happened, you know, through the 50s onward into the 80s. Right. And so, I mean, because My Three Sons goes back to what is it, 1959 or 1960 when it started? I’m trying to remember.
It was a black and white show. Because it was on for like 12 seasons. Yeah. I think it was somewhere in there. It started black and white. It did start black and white. And so, yeah, there was all this, you know, there wasn’t a lot of content for this emerging cable systems. And that became fodder, right? Because they would have them on 24 hours a day and so forth. And obviously you and I grew up during this time period and got exposed to all of this content that now people really aren’t exposed to that much. You know, if you’re even 40, probably maybe a little bit younger than that, 35, let’s say that’s probably not your world. I mean, that’s my assessment. What do you, cause you’re the 10 X, you know, guys. So you tell me what your thoughts are on that. You’re right. I should probably quit.
I don’t want to be. No, yeah, I mean, you’re right. I mean, there’s definitely, there’s definitely shows and references. And I think My Three Sons is a good example of one where there’s a lot of people that wouldn’t know what that show was, you know, unless you’re of a certain age, unless you’re older. And so, you know, it’s, to me, it’s interesting to just capture the, the history of what was, you know what I mean? And that’s sort of nostalgic for me. I don’t know that my target is, or that anyone would be specifically interested, you know, in their 20s in this type of thing, unless they were really into old TV or something like that, or something maybe that they still watch. I know this is true because, I know you’re right, because I realized a long time ago, like when someone would go, who’s the most famous person you’ve talked to? And I would try to answer that question,
in my context. And then i realized my context doesn’t matter to the person who is asking the question to me. So it’s, I always say it depends on you, who you think, right? Because I’ll sit there, there was a time, and this has happened more than one time. And now i just do it on purpose because i know it’ll happen. You know, it’s one of those things. Who’s the most famous person you’ve had on your show, Jeff? Oh, I don’t know. i’ve had uh ed asner or ed beckley Jr. or ted neely and like, you know, Ernie, you know, Barry Livingston or whatever, right? And they’re just like this i go um carol from the tiger king oh my god carol baskin you texted carol baskin oh my god oh my god we talked to carol basket
And I’m like, I give up. I give up. That’s interesting, though. Well, because, yeah, so you really, and you mentioned this before, you really deal in context. And so context is so important in this regard that, you know, if you’re not with that context, then it’s not going to mean anything to you. You’re going to be like, oh, you know. He played Ernie. Who’s Ernie? From Sesame Street? And so, yeah, so it’s interesting. I mean, how that works like that. I wasn’t going to ask you who the most famous person that you’ve talked to was, to be honest with you. No, I already assumed you thought it was the guys from the My Three Sons. No, no, that’s my interest. I saw that and I’m like, oh, that’s fantastic. My thing is that everyone mistakes…
charlie martin smith for barry livingston and they all think do you know who charlie martin smith is um he’s an actor who was in the untouchables who played the accountant if you’re familiar with that movie oh yeah yeah yeah he was in yeah um they look kind of similar he was american graffiti right they look kind of similar and everybody always thinks that that was ernie even though he wasn’t i’m sure he still gets it to this day yeah they look almost they look like they could be then it could be brothers right exactly but rather than his real brother Stanley Chip yeah which that’s so I was going to say, what was the question? Oh, but my, I think one of my the person I interviewed where I felt like oh okay I’m officially a pop culture podcast now okay
is when i interviewed burt Ward. Okay. Robin from batman 66. So that that to me was the coolest. Like that was my episode 50 and he came back. But the cool part was they called me and wanted him to come back. So he was back for episode 250. So that was that was really cool. And so Yeah, I had to send him a list. I go, we already talked about these things. We’re not talking about them again. I can’t believe you sent Burt Ward a list. Well, I just didn’t want to be surprised. I’m like, you know, so it’s like we already covered the… I didn’t want him to think I was being rude, you know, because he does, you know, a ton of interviews. So, yeah. Yeah. Well, but they asked. Yeah, yeah. That was cool. It was cool. And then, yeah, I mean, I’ve had folks…
I love that I’ve had Isaac Gopher and Doc from The Love Boat. Oh, wow. And like Patsy, Ralph Mouth, Mrs. Cunningham from Happy Days. You know, so it’s like I try to once I get it, I try and get them in groups of three. I’ve had three people from The Orville, which is one of my favorite shows. I got three of them. Don’t ask me to say their names because I can’t remember off the top of my head. But like. What was their characters? Because I watched The Orville. Now I can’t remember anything. Oh, gosh. I can’t remember. It’s like, but one of them. Scott Grimes? I wish. I want to get Scott Grimes. I like Scott Grimes a lot. Kato Kaelin was great to talk to. I like talking to him. Really? Kato Kaelin as well. We ended up, we followed each other on Twitter. And so eventually I was able to get him to come on the podcast. That was going to come, you leading me to my next question, which was how do you get in contact with these people? I mean,
Well, Burt Ward, you know, I think he’s on the circuit as it were, right? So he’s always going places and doing signings. And, you know, so my guess is he has some representation still. But some of these folks have been, you know, kind of out of the game for a while and have been leading normal, regular lives and haven’t been doing this. And so how do you get in touch with these people? You’d be surprised. They all still have PR folks. Really? I’ll do. I would I wouldn’t be paying money to these people, but i did you know there’s a whole circuit of, uh, you know, the autograph shows where these folks can probably make some good money. And then, um, yeah, it’s, you know, usually you reach out to their publicists or managers so oh really okay so you just basically google up there who’s burt warren’s publicist. And then they go hey i’m jeff dwoskin
I’m a pop culture guy. So yes, you should know better than that. I’m very fancy. You should come. What’s the pitch. Can you give me a, just give me a quick pitch. I just, you know, it’s gotten easier as it’s gone on because now I can just send them the whole, I sent out, here’s a sampling of my 250 plus interviews. And, you know, then it gets to like, now it’s like they, most of the people are like, they know other people on my show, but the, the thing that my wife loves, um, that was, uh, in sarcasm, uh, is when we watch TV and I go, Oh, he was on my podcast. Oh, Oh, two people in this scene are in my, we’re on my podcast. Does she care though? That’s the question. No, she doesn’t care at all. Yeah. She doesn’t even listen. Yeah. Otherwise she would have known. And then, um,
Yeah. My wife does that to me too. She’s very unimpressed with anything that I’ve done in my life. So I, I understand like to your other thing, like, you know, I’ll, I’ll book someone on my show that I’m real excited about. And I’ll be like, Oh my God, I won’t say who it is because, you know, I don’t want to, but like, Oh my God, you won’t believe I got blah, blah, blah on my show. And they’ll be like, Oh, that’s nice, honey. I’m like, uh, you know, and like, Here’s a picture. I took six months and I finally got a yes. Oh, wow. Six months. There’s a few people that I’ll keep trying. You’re a hound. You’re after these things. I’m not a hound. I send it out. A few months later, I might try again. Not every day or anything.
oh no, to go. God, no. It’s uh stalker. I do get some of that. I, uh, I get people doing that to me, you know, it’s like, you know my favorite is like when they’re like, uh, by the way, that’s how i got jeff to do this show relentlessly and he finally just said, who are you? What i’m like Get off my porch. I’ll do it. hi but yeah, I, you know, some people, some people say yes, right wait some people like say like when Uh, like I reached out to David Zucker. He was, you know, Zaz, uh, Zucker Abrams, uh, Zucker. They did airplane. They directed there when they created parody comedy, basically top secret, top secret, the naked gun police squad, uh, and many more. And so when he replied back, I’m like, he’s like, yeah, I’ll do your podcast. And I’m like, ah, and I was like, you know, his feelings on the new naked gun movie, uh,
We’re actually on my podcast a month before TMZ broke it. Really? I missed out on that one. Was he not looking forward to it or what? Well, they just didn’t ask him to do it. Oh, they just did it. They must own the IP or whatever. Yeah. But when he replied back, I’m like, sometimes they reply back and they go, yes, for sure. And I’m like, Oh my God, now I got to prepare, you know? So, but then that’s the fun. Well, so, well, how do you prepare? I mean, do you just rely on your endless boundless knowledge that you’ve stuffed away over the years? No, I don’t have any memory whatsoever. I have, we all have vague memories. I’ll give you the gist of what I do is. So David Zucker, this is how I prepared for David Zucker. I rewatched Airplane.
That’s one. And he just wrote a book called Surely You Can’t Be Serious with Jerry Abrams and his brother. And so I got that book and I read it. Wow. You’re outlaying some cash here at this point. It’s from the library. Oh, okay. And so I always go to the library first. Man, that’s my own heart. Well, sometimes if people have books, I mean, it depends when in the book. You can ask for a, they’ll send me a PDF of it or something. Right, yeah, a screener or whatever, like the equivalent. So for him, I got it from the library though. And if I can get it from the library, I’ll do that. So I don’t have to bother them. Right. And, and so read the book, take notes while I’m reading it, you know, cause you know, Alice, do you remember certain things? And, and then I use that as a basis. I’ll go to Wikipedia. Don’t. Yeah. But I, I use it as a rough guide of things that happened. You know what I mean? I will then,
then I go to IMDb, like you mentioned, and then I find those particular pieces and then I’ll deep dive into those particular pieces. You know what I mean? So I’ve only been burned on Wikipedia, by the way, one time. Really? I’ll tell you what it was. You want to share what it was? Yeah. Okay. So it was, I was talking to, oh my gosh, why am I blanking on her name? Hang on. The woman from Austin Powers. Which woman? Heather Graham? No, no, the evil one. The evil woman? Yeah, I wanted to do her voice. Oh, the lady who talks kind of like a German? German, yeah, yeah. Oh, Mindy Sterling. Mindy Sterling. Oh, Mindy Sterling. That’s not the one I was thinking of. Is that her name? Yeah, she’s Fra Brissena. Fra Brissena, okay. I didn’t realize. Yeah, yeah, that’s Mindy Sterling. I thought her name was something else. But now I’m trying to remember why I brought up her name.
because uh, Wikipedia. Oh, Wikipedia. Why? The thing i got wrong. So there’s a different mindy sterling that wrote the theme song to family ties. Oh, really? Now, sometimes. Wow. So you said, Hey, did you write? Well, sometimes i don’t do bits, but sometimes if i find something in the moment, you know, that, and inspiration strikes. So I think i went all in on this one particular piece because i really wanted it to be true. I think i had the lyrics down. It was something and uh no that’s not me. That’s not me. That’s somebody else. They won’t take it out you know so uh oh man you just what did you release it that way or did you cut that? I can’t remember. I probably left it in, actually. Really? Because now you perpetuated it.
Well, no, because she said it wasn’t true. I know, but people don’t listen that long. They just thought, oh, gosh. They listen that long to mine, according to my YouTube stats. It fell right into that 13 minute and 32 second. Oh, okay. Good deal. We got proof. But no, you don’t go by way. But it’s like when you’re doing research, you get as many pieces as you can. I’ll do Google search for articles or if there’s like Austin Powers, I’ll specifically, like from Indy Sterling, I’ll say her name and Austin Powers and sometimes unique stuff will come up. You can find old stuff on Pinterest or you can find, I’ll tell you the best thing to do when you’re preparing for an interview is find the oldest interview they’ve ever done and listen to it. The first interview, yeah. Well, because it’s a good chance they haven’t talked about any of that stuff in a long time.
And they’ll be like, oh, wow, this stuff never comes up. And I tell you, that’s my biggest trick right there. I was in Fiddler on the Roof in Michigan. Yeah. Theater. Exactly. Exactly. And so, yeah. So a lot of times, like, if you listen to people, they interview. Like, I was interviewing Fred Grandy. He’s Gopher from Love Boat. He was also a senator, I believe, wasn’t he? He was. He was for a few years. So Senator Grandy, let’s… you know, give them the do. There’s a funny part of my thing where I said, okay, Fred, here’s three things that you put in front of Congress. And I read two were real. And the third one was like, but I wrote it like it was real. Like it’s illegal to physically take apart a Rubik’s cube and put it back together and tell people that you actually did it. Yeah.
And he’s like, uh-huh, uh-huh. I’m like, Brad, I totally made that up. He goes, oh, you know, we sign things all the time. I’m a rubber stamp senator. Things come up all the time. We don’t really care about most of this. I just say, yeah, whatever you want to do. I’m cutting deals. Yeah, you’re mad about the Rubik’s Cube. I’ll sign that if you make corn the only thing that everybody eats. Right. Exactly. So, uh, when i was listening to an interview of his, he mentioned his, the show monster squad, which kind of got, Oh, I was just gonna mention that but i but i could tell by the way he was talking about it, he loved it, you know but didn’t but it got skipped over because it went to something else. So I went to youtube and like, I watched a couple episodes of monster squad, which is an interesting show. If you want to watch it, it’s uh i watched it. I watched it as a kid.
Yeah, it’s kind of Batman-ish. You can see where that inspiration came from. Batman or the same people did it. With his little Batcave-ish area that he has. But yeah, we talked about that for a little bit. I find if you can find things that they aren’t used to talking about or you can go a little deeper on something, it triggers then a bunch of other things that they didn’t remember that they remembered also. And so you can start to get some good conversations going. Yeah, I love the monster Squad. I thought that was so cool that was fun that was pre-lobo pre-lobo that’s yeah that was he was very young. I think that was yeah that’s right randy works at a, like a wax museum and then at night they bring, uh, life, uh, Frankenstein, the wolf mummy night at the museum before there was the museum yeah exactly that’s probably where they got it. Look at it that way, yeah. Well, everybody rips off everybody. That’s just part of the way it goes.
And now with AI, we just rip people off quicker. Exactly. That’s fascinating, though. And so it sounds like… So if you had to think back, what was, as a kid, talking about pop culture and things like that, what was your… Because we’re kind of focusing on television. You seem to be very television-centric about these things. What was your favorite television show that ever… that you watched, especially in this, you know, kind of nostalgia-based area? So, Twilight Zone would be the show that I love the most. Original? Because there’s been several incarnations. They don’t exist to me. I love the Twilight Zone. I got my shelf over there. Half of one shelf is all Twilight Zone stuff. I succeeded and but it took four years almost to get and Serling, it’s Rod Serling’s daughter, would have written a book about her father on my podcast last December for the Rod Serling’s hundredth birthday. What would have been the celebration of his hundredth birthday, uh, with, uh, another twilight zone author. And then I had always had this book called the twilight zone companion. And I’m going back when I was young, watching it as well. And there were,
points in my life where I had this book memorized. It was a try zone command is one of the early TV books where I talked about every episode and all that kind of stuff. And so when I’m talking to Anne Serling, I’m like, Oh, you know, Mark, I can’t remember his last name off the top of my head, but like, Mark, you know, him is like, Oh yeah. Cause she mentioned him a couple of times and like, well, could you introduce me to him? I would love to talk to him for the show, for the show. and so, um, I haven’t actually released it yet so yeah spoiler um but oh my god i’m cutting that it’s not evergreen it’s not ever uh so it’s uh that’s funny uh so yeah but it was, I was like some ones like that where maybe really do you have another twilight zone episode. It was like, but to me it was like, this was a big deal to me. You know i mean like i i talked to judy carter once. She’s a comedian and
I reached out to her and I said, look, I said, uh, this was early, early on. And I said, he wrote this book, uh, the comedy Bible. And I love it. It’s, you know, I, I can’t even use it anymore because it’s tore it to pieces. You know what I mean? It’s like, it fell apart. I’d love to interview you on my podcast. And this is when I knew this is what, this is the thing. This is literally what she said to me, which changed my framing of how I reached out and all that kind of stuff. She goes, Oh my, Well, I see you have Bruce Valanche on your podcast. If any podcast is good enough for Bruce Valanche, I’m happy to do it. So I’m like, oh, past guests matter. Okay. Yeah. So you’re the guy who has a girlfriend to get a new girlfriend is what you’re saying. Right. But a wife. You’re like, Cindy, be my girlfriend for about six weeks and then we can break up so that I can get other girlfriends. Same kind of philosophy. Yeah.
Yeah, okay. I got you. Right, right, right. It’s like when George Costanza had the picture of the model. Right, right. So he’s invited to parties, yeah. The other models would want, yeah. It’s an open relationship, yes. Yeah, no, that’s good, though. But unfortunately, you’re right. That’s just the way it works, right? And Bruce Valanche, I mean, come on. The guy’s a legendary, so. Yeah, he wrote a book now, and he’s making the thing, but I had him when… Ice Pirates? Academy Awards? When I interviewed him, he was like, I’m doing all these interviews because I’m going to write a book and this is a good way for me just to get it all out. You know, get my head going around it. he did He wrote the book. He’s using you to pull stories out of him so that he can just take your podcast and then turn it, have somebody transcribe it. Well, now AI would transcribe it and he would put it in his book. How interesting. hey
you know you guys work in the system. I’ve had some people not want to, it’s a complete opposite. Like, I don’t want to go on your podcast because i want to write a memoir and like uh that’s how i say it and then uh you know, so i don’t want to use up all the stories. I’m like, okay, okay. That’s funny to me because i always, so this is a, that’s a weird, you said that and it just triggered something in my head. Don’t people realize that they have an infinite number of stories? Yeah, yeah, I guess. But maybe there’s only so many great ones. No. You got to have 10 full stories, right? No. Well, maybe, yeah. I mean, if you’re going to write a book, I suppose you do. But I mean, even at that, you know, come on. You don’t have to tell them your deepest, darkest secrets or anything. It’s just going to ask you about, you know,
50-year-old show, for Christ’s sake. Yeah, I was on Fantasy Island. I was a hula girl. Yeah, Meghan Markle was a briefcase girl. Yeah, briefcase. See what I’m saying? Yeah, to me, that’s always the… I’m like, you know, give yourself some credit. You probably got bazillion stories going on, you know? I hear you. I know you do, Jeff. You just told me some here. Yeah. I don’t even know how many we’ve got now, except for the one I’m cutting. But other than that. So, favorite character from Twilight Zone? If you said, okay, one episode, this is my favorite. I like to pin you down to favorite ones. Well, I don’t know if it’s my favorite one, but I do have a Henry Bemis kind of bobblehead-ish type thing on my bookshelf. It was, time enough. It’s time enough at last. You know, that…
but I don’t know. Yeah. Characters. Other than that, I also have the, Oh, you know, my, if I was to pick a character I love is the, from to serve man, the big, I was going to say, you get Ammonite or whatever, because that to me is the greatest line ever. I’ll still just throw that out. Sometimes, you know, it’s like if something, somebody, if you know, you’re trying to figure something out and it’s like, just, it’s a great time. Like, And you’re kind of lost. You can’t figure out this one thing. You’re trying to solve something. And you just go up to serve, man. It’s a cookbook. It’s a cookbook. Yeah. That’s a great, it’s a great. That was Ted Cassidy was the guy, right? Wasn’t he the tall guy? Yeah. I’m pretty sure it was. Lurch. Lurch. Yeah. Great guy. Interesting. That was one of the ones I was thinking of. And then the other one was Burgess Meredith was in several episodes, but the, the, the, he wanted to read books and he breaks his glasses.
it’s just so it’s it’s so you know i mean nowadays people would be like who cares right but at the time i think it was you know it’s like wow all the time in the world all the books you want to read and then now you can’t read them and uh you know it was so sad right like but if you were you know in an apocalypse right so you’d only have books, right? So you’d have to kind of the i mean that’s a completely tangent since you said it and it triggers me, bothers me about these, about really anything like, uh, the last of us walking dead, any of them. because even then the current walking dead, the walking dead, dead reckoning or whatever the new negan maggie show is, they’re like powering up new York. Like power is power and it’s like yeah and i was like, it always has bothered me. It’s like,
how do these random people know how to make power at scale? That’s the hard part. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, if the grid goes out, like we just sit around and especially now and like, and just pray, it comes on and it’s not three days and you know, it’s two hours maybe. And it’s like the power, you know, if the power goes out, I get it. Then the apocalypse, the power would be on until it went out. But once it goes out, who there really knows how to run. Yeah. Yeah. And then get that electricity. It just seems like a weird thing. I hate to tell you this, but any motor can be a generator, Jeff. Once it screws up, you have to know this stuff, right? Right, true. You have to know a little bit more. And that’s why I’m friends with…
A guy who works at the power company and works on some stations. Well, you’re assuming he’s not eaten by the zombies. Oh, no, he won’t be. I have faith. He is one tough individual. I’m just saying, you know. Yeah. He is well-armed and ready to go. Because I guess gasoline goes bad, too, after a period of time. So even the cars wouldn’t work. Right. Yeah. People don’t talk about that. You’re right. People don’t ever talk about the fact that gasoline actually does lose its potency over time. Zombies that roll down a hill and then get up. They’re not dizzy. They’re not getting up. Rolling zombies. It seems like by the time they get down, your body would break. Zombies are just like children.
and they’re very resilient. And so, yeah, they can fall off a cliff like a kid can fall like off a dresser. Fine. What do you guys think? Comment below. No one. No one cares about that there uh there’s too many zombie debate boards as there is already. I don’t even want to get in a discord situation with that the um so So you like the Twilight Zone. That’s good. And that’s one of those ones you talk about lasting forever. I mean, that show, it’s still played. You can still, it’s streamed and everything. So let’s talk a little bit about streaming. And I am so aggravated with streaming because, you know, having lived through all the transitions here, right, that we just talked about. Now we’re into the streaming age, well into the streaming age. Now I would
i would actually venture to say we’re probably in the third phase of the streaming stage. And guess what? We have to watch f and commercials to stream things and all the stuff that you would want is not available. And there’s no reason for either one of those things necessarily to be true. Well, they have to make money. So it was never, it’s actually, well, no, I mean, it’s interesting. Alan Katz, who was on, he was a guest on one of the last few of my episodes. We’ll make this evergreen. Alan Katz, who was at one point in time on my podcast. Very good. Thank you. Actually talked about this. It was just, it’s, there’s no money to sustain these, streaming services because you need new content and then they blow through the new content. And so that’s why it’s, they’ve kind of come back to like charging us a little bit. But if you really think about it, if you really think about it, the problem isn’t the $13 for Netflix. It’s a, now I got paid $13 for that. And for, you know, you should just pay for, you know, well, I guess cable, you didn’t have like HBO or anything, but like you pay for everything individually. Right. So yeah.
If you’re just looking at Netflix, I mean the amount you get for $12, right? It’s a lot. It’s a lot. Yeah. I mean, it’s a lot. And so I don’t mind the commercials if they do them at the beginning. Yeah. I mean, like I, I think I was, I put on something and it’s like, we’re going to go take a leak and we’re going to go back and it’s going, I just don’t like in the middle. Right. I mean, like, I like it to just like, we’ve been watching Brooklyn nine, nine. And so on Netflix, it goes right through. But then we had to watch, I think something on, maybe it was on paramount or Peacock, I think. And then it was like the commercials so it’s like uh this takes forever now. And, you know, so i don’t mind in the beginning. I don’t even mind maybe one time, you know, it depends i mean right it’s so much for what you’re paying. It really. Sure. I agree with you that there has to be one movie. You’re paying 20 bucks. A person. I’m not paying 20 bucks, Jeff.
i know you’re not. We’ve established that um but i think the other thing is that that all this content isn’t always available, right? So literally right now, in the phase that we’re in, everything could be available. Literally everything that’s been produced uh could be available, but it’s not. Sometimes there’s rights issues, so they can’t, you know i don’t i don’t you know, like the Larry Sanders show wasn’t available for so long because of the music that was on it. They had to get the rights for that. Like WKRP had the same problem for a while. Yeah. So sometimes you can get, like you can either get stuff for free or stuff. Some stuff is like available, but you have to pay like $2, uh, whatever an episode. Yeah. And then, you know, there is stuff like Pluto, uh, you know, and so some of those where it’s free and, but they get, you have to watch some commercials.
commercials, but there’s a lot of content on there for free and you’re just, you know, just deal with the commercial. I would say for your pop culture stuff, there’s a lot of things on Pluto that you can easily watch for love boat. And yeah, I don’t think I’ve ever seen my three sons on anything to be honest with you. Yeah. I think it’s on one of those. Is it? Okay. Cause I watched a bunch of them. Yeah. Okay. We tell you, you were talking about earlier, like the black and white to color. It’s like the interesting thing about that is that a lot of times like lost in space, which switched the Dick Van Dyke show purposely didn’t switch. Right. But the ones that switched, you tended to grow up only with the color episodes. Right. Right. Cause they stopped doing the black and white ones. Yeah. The Dick Van Dyke show was smart. They kept it all black and white. Right. So they had to keep it all together. You know, like at this point they could colorize everything pretty quickly. Yeah. Yeah.
especially with AI. They could just put yeah they could put new people in yeah let’s have the, let me go look for some, uh, you know, archival footage of dick van dyke at that time period in color. And then they, you know right yeah yeah so and then that was during his alcoholic phase. And so he’d have like, you know, on his nose and things like that. Um, the, uh, That was a bad joke. I’m sorry, Jeff. I apologize. He was an alcoholic. I am a big Dick Van Dyke fan. He’s like 100. He’s a very nice gentleman who’s been sober for longer than he was an alcoholic, much longer. He’s a very nice fellow. By the way, grew up in Danville, Illinois, and they have a theater at the high school, Dick Van Dyke Theater, very nice theater. There was a long time where you could not type Dick Van Dyke into ChatGPT.
Really? Why? Dick. Dyke. Oh, gotcha. Really? I figured that would have been my first thing. Yeah, that’s what I was actually searching and then I had to change the story. Because you know the home video market was championed by pornography. The whole reason you have VHS instead of beta is because of pornography. Pornography was the leader in most of the technologies that we enjoy. That is a fact. I don’t know if it was for streaming, though, to be honest. I guess it probably was, but it doesn’t get a credit for that one. For the VHS beta wars, it gets a lot of credit. Yeah, a lot of the early technology was… Yeah. I don’t want to delve into pornography now, just because you looked up Dick Van Dyke. But…
We need to wrap this up. So give folks, you know, if you want to talk about your podcast, you want to talk about your company, you want to talk about whatever, let’s do that. I’ve been putting your website up there, the Jeff is funny thing. But if people want to find you, and why would they want to find you? If there’s anybody who is in the 60s, 70s, or 80s television show watching, Jeff wants to talk to you. Yeah. If you’re famous, I, um, would you say 90s as well? Or anyone who’s famous? I mean, it’s, it’s not that i don’t, I wouldn’t interview tom Hanks. I just don’t think he would come on the show. You know, if you talk about typewriters, you might, because he’s amazing. I’ll send him a typewriter. You’re like, ah, I got this old smith corona here, Tom. We can talk all about it. But yeah, no, I’ll talk to anyone. but
I just, you know, it just started the way it started because that was my interest. You know what I mean? So I’m like, I want to talk to people who I want to talk to. And then as I’d be introduced to other people, I’m like, Oh, these are cool people. So, you know, it’s as I discover people too, you know, I’ll tell you the, the names that you don’t recognize when you’re looking at my list are probably the most interesting interviews. Really? Yeah. I mean, why do you, why do you think that is? Because they’re the ones that are just were there and they’ve got all these stories and they were behind the scenes and they’re just telling it like it was at that time. And it’s, you know what I mean? I, you know, the, the, the best thing about interviewing people who aren’t necessarily actively working today is that they don’t have to worry about not getting a job. Yeah. They’re like, all my residuals ran out. I’m not going to have Tom Hanks come on and he’s not going to spill shit about Steven Spielberg. Not that he would anyway, but you know what I mean? Like he’s got, he’s got a,
get into that new, the next movie. Yeah. Well, I don’t think he, yeah, I think he’d be but you know what i’m saying? You know that’s the mentality of it, you know? So, uh, you know, so like those types of things are um are great so you know, the, that’s why some of the older ones are, are more fun for me yeah and well and you mentioned the technical side of things. So is there an area of the technical side that you kind of gravitate toward or? No, I mean, like, My company, Stampede Social, stampede.social is a website. It’s a platform that I built for creators like podcasters. So it does comment to DM automation. So you can get my episodes by just going on my Instagram and commenting. And then the tool has built-in giveaway tools and fan content tracking and some other cool AI stuff as well. Stampede.social.com? Stampede.social.
Oh, Stampede Dot Social. I missed the dot when you said it. I’m sorry. Stampede Dot Social. Now that you know the theme song. Yeah. I’m like, it sounds familiar. I’m trying to figure that out. Stampede Dot Social. You probably heard it on TVs. That was the Super Bowl ad this year, wasn’t it? Yeah. It had a bunch of people getting trampled. Yeah. It does make it difficult to do a Google alert. I will admit that. So tell me, I’m sorry, I’ve been a goofball, but so stampede.social, it has, so you have a platform, would you say? What would you call it? Yeah, it’s a platform. It’s a tool for Instagram and Facebook. And so for creators, influencers, brands. What about Blue Sky? No Blue Sky?
Well, it’s just, it’s a matter. You can’t, we do have modules where you get your blue sky stats if that’s a thing for you, but you know, it modules built to, uh, to sort of, uh, you know, as these companies open up their APIs, we’re able to do more. So, okay. I just was curious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s all good. So stampede.social, that’s where you do your day day work a day job so yeah If you’re listening and you want to help me. It funds all the purchases of books and things. Exactly. Exactly. It keeps your wife happy, by the way. Yeah, yeah. Oh, you know what? Episode’s great. This guy, Rick Goldschmidt. Who’s Rick Goldschmidt, right? Exactly. But he’s the Rankin Bass. You know Rankin Bass? Oh, yeah. I saw that on there. I meant this. That was the back of my head.
So I met him at a comic con. I’m like, Oh, will you come on my podcast? And he’s like, everyone all day has been asking me this as like, well, you know? And so, uh, he did, he came on my podcast. So it’s like, but those are great. It’s like, you know, you’re talking to the historian. It’s like, so I remember when, uh, at Asner, they’re like, you can, uh, you can talk to Ed Asner. We just have one condition. I’m like, what’s the condition? Uh, he wants you to talk about his book. What’s his book about his life. Uh, Okay. That’s what I was going to talk about anyway. Yeah. So it was like, Oh, he wrote a book so I can just read it. And then it’s all my homework. Perfect. That’s great. That’s love it. I love the logic there. You can only talk about the book. What is it about? You know, it’s, it’s about schematics and how electronics have changed from 1940 to 1950. Oh, no, thanks. I’m not talking to Ed then, but yeah, no, it’s about his life. Well, of course I want to talk to him about his life.
Life. Why else would I want to talk to Ed Asner? I mean, he’s not a cookbook, is it? I could do 20 minutes on Santa Claus with Ed Asner. Easy. Yeah, exactly. Ed Asner is one of those amazing people that every generation knows him as someone else. Even my kids know him as Up or Santa from Elf. Mr. Stevenson? What was his name? Ed Asner. People know him as Lou Grant, you know, who are older. So it’s like. Yeah. They did voices. He was J Jonah Jameson. Yeah. So it’s like, it’s, it’s really interesting when you start to dive into people and like you, that’s what I’m saying. Like, you know, certain things, but then you start to look in and you go, Oh my God, I didn’t even realize you did all these things, you know? Cause you only can be on top of so much, you know? Right. Right. He probably said, kid, you gotta eat. Exactly. That’s my Ed Asner. Thank you. Yeah. It was very good. It was horrible. I apologize. You got spunk kid.
you got that’s right mayor you got spunk yeah i don’t think that that happens these days. No. No, no. Well, thank you for having me on your amazing podcast. Oh, well, thank you for calling it amazing. Most people just say, you know, when am i going to be done with this i love yeah and you look amazing. You’re so cool. Thank you. Well, I appreciate that compliment. I will take that as a compliment and uh you should get one of these mic covers. It would match your head. Then they wouldn’t know. They’d just think it was a magic trick and my face was disappearing when I went behind it. But Jeff, thank you so much. Jeff Dwoskin. There you go. One of those. You should switch the W and the O and I can just call you Jeff Dowskin. Here’s a little tip. Here’s a little trick. You know I have a podcast, right?
There’s a good chance I say my name in the first 15 seconds. I heard you. I was listening just before we got on and I totally blank. No, I’m kidding. You know, it’s something funny. Someone comes to me. I finally know how to say your name. It’s like, I’ve never actually known how to say your name. And they’re like, what is it? And they go, Del Waskin. I’m like, that’s not how you say my name. And they’re like, that’s how you say it. And I realized like when I get excited and I say it fast on my podcast, I say it wrong. Like you say your own name. We’ll see this. It’s Jeff. Much like the Family Ties theme song, you’re throwing inaccuracies into the world, right and left, and he does it at speed with Stampede Social. Stampede.social. For all of your inaccuracy needs, you can tell everybody the wrong stuff and get it recognized. Exactly. I believe you’re going to get a call from the White House in the coming days. Probably.
Probably. Jeff is funny. is the other website uh jeff thank you so much for being here and uh you know my best of luck can get in the third sun yeah it’s gonna need more than luck yeah but uh hang on just a second. And thanks for being here.